So I had an epic crush on this guy when we were in middle school/high school (like between the ages of 13-16), it literally went on for like 2-3 years on and off.. I'm 99% sure he knew about it and that he wasn't interested, but unlike some of the other guys I liked I remember he was always nice/friendly to me regardless (we did theater together back then so we also had a "connection" outside of school).. I definitely don't actively think about him on an everyday basis at all but he'll randomly show up in my dreams now and then (again not every month etc or anything like that and no it's not "sexy dreams")...
Usually I let it go because I know it's just the feeling I enjoy, but for some reason this time I can't get the "I wonder what could happen now" thought out of my mind especially because I'm in a much better place mentally and I'm more confident than I've ever been (so it's not from a place of weakness or because I'm dissatisfied in life. Actually the fact that I'm finally willing to maybe let go of the "fantasy" is growth for me lol). It's really not a "what if" kind of thing, I know it couldn't have worked back then and I know we're both different people now, I'm just super curious to know if he's still that nice funny guy I fell for, where he is now... I'm really not hoping for a romantic relationship or even a friendship I'm really just looking for a chance to catch up and maybe move on (like even if it doesn't go well it or nothing happens at least I can stop wondering). I only have him on Facebook but he's not active/never posts anything so there's little chance that he'll even see the message

Today, I finally put on my altered dress for my (23f) best friend's (24f) engagement party. Although I look beautiful in it and I am feeling myself, I keep having flashbacks and flashfowards of what can go bad.
We met on facebook when we were both in high school and clicked, despite having bad opinions about each other. We had plenty of common things to talk about, and I honestly admired her for how intelligent and well spoken she is. Although, she always was the kind that had her mind set on an ideal when it came to relationships that resulted in a very toxic dynamic between her and her partner. When her partner didn't satisfy her, she would go cold and never said what was wrong. Instead, she was venting to me. That made our friendship toxic. She would constantly cheat emotionally on her partner with me. Things escalated quickly, and we actually caught feelings for each other. I started to be her actual lover, and I felt guilty about it. At some point, we were in a relationship, too. It was a short and bad one that put our friendship on a pause.
4 years later, I decided to reconnect with her because I thought that I wasn't going to waste a good friendship in a bad relationship, and it was a very good decision. We were both healthier, and now we had a better dynamic, too. I talked to her about my boyfriend ( 25m) and our love story. Long story short, he is my soulmate. I am convinced about that. No relationship compares to this one. I told her about how fast we had to move on because of our circumstances and how nice it is to live with him, and she understood. She is happy with our relationship and wishes us the best. Not so much later, she met her current fiancé (25m). He was quite intimidated by me, he told that to my face but we clicked well. That's until we found out that he is quite dodgy. He is a womanizer who decided to "settle" and fell for her quickly. He also is the kind to search for the most dodgy jobs just to make a bit more cash, that he spends quickly on god knows what. He saw everything. Drugs, prostitution, robberies, death, etc. Not only that, but he is cocky about never being caught, too. I thought they were an odd pairing since she is the independent, level-headed but introverted big sister that took no shit from anyone, but whatever. We didn't want to judge. They moved on quickly with their relationship, even quicker than me, and my boyfriend did. They got engaged in 8 months, and three months later, she is pregnant, too. Their engagement lasted only 6 months, and next month, they are getting married. Because a wedding is quite expensive for them right now, they decided to skip the church wedding and only do the official documents and do an engagement dinner party with their close family and friends. Oh boy, the organization is a mess.
First, they asked us to be their godparents but quickly changed their minds after their parents realized that me and my boyfriend are not married, which is a big problem with the church but not with the documents. I wanted to point that out to them since they are not going to be wedded in church but whatever. Ever since we were in high school, she promised me that I would be her godmother to her wedding. It was disappointing, but I knew that I needed to be flexible. Second, she wants her guests to dress more elegantly for the event. Her fiancé and my BF got a bit fussy that they couldn't wear jeans and Hawaiian shirts, but we quickly changed their minds. But this transitioned to the third problem. I had to get my dress pretty early into the engagement so we could save some money. I got a nice dress for my budget: a midi mint dress with puffy veil sleeves and crochet flowers motifs that enhanced my bosom. I checked with her if the color and the model were ok, and she said that she was happy with it... Until she got her dress. She decided to dress in a way more layed back style and get a white cotton beach dress. It's incredibly simple, and my boyfriend described it to be a sack of potatoes in comparation to what I was wearing. Not only that, but it was 5 times more expensive than mine. This was a problem. I didn't want to overdress or upstage the bride to be, so I got another dress that's more laid back, the one that I am currently wearing so my mom could alter her a bit. Fourth, they keep changing the dates, and that got everyone annoyed because it messed with the free work days. Fortunately, this was resolved, and now they have a date that's set in stone. The organization is quite messy, too. BF had the condition that he didn't want to drive in the city, so he would drink, something that can't happen because they have many guests and not enough cars. We live far away from them, in a suburban area. There is a 5 hour drive between us and besides them, we don't know anyone in their city. They offered us a free room ( baby's future room) but even that is uncertain. Fifth, they are not the most stable couple. Her fiancé gets mad and jealous quite easily. He used to fight with her when she wears more make-up than usual or she was too indiferent to his flirting. She is the kind of woman who never wears her emotions, and that drives him nuts. She did open up slowly to him, but it's too slow for his pace. Not only this, but he has a high-sexual drive while her's is low. He gets very fussy when they don't get to have regular sex. When she got pregnant, the gyno told her to stop sexual relations for a while, so the baby stays in place. He said that he can't stop having sex for his own health, and it is quite unfair. She hit him with an ultimatum that if he made her abort it, she would never have kids with him again. That made him settle, at least for a while. He is also the kind that wants a boy, so he could continue his "legacy." If that didn't make it clear for what kind of person he is, then I don't know what more can I tell you. Also, the both of them hinted that me and boyfriend should get pregnant too, so our children could be best friends just like us. We quickly shut it down with "With what money?Plus, we are not mentally prepared for it". Which brings us to the sixth problem, and I and BF are not in a stable money situation like they are. BF used to be overworked and paid badly while I couldn't work right now. He did get to change his job for a better one, which is a huge relief. I wanted to work, I wished to, but bestie and her fiancé keep wanting to have vacations with us twice a year. No workplace would be able to give me that many holidays, which I know is unfair. That's the country we live in. Because of this, for the last year, we were on a tight budget that couldn't allow any more changes.
Besides these problems, there are many more things like family drama and other money problems. Because of the constant change, me and boyfriend are stressed and this got us in an argument. First being about my dress and then about the couple that couldn't understand our money problems. Me and bf resolved it, but he has some good points. The organization is as messy as their future marriage.
I apologize if I've made grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.

My 11 year old is a very tricky customer. She has a lot of struggles with her ADHD and seems to display a lot of BPD traits. Life has been so hard for her, and us.
She has done a lot of really wild stuff online, because at the start I didn’t have a belief in locking stuff down. With her older brothers I told them they couldn’t unsee what they saw online so to think carefully. As they grew into teens we discussed porn and healthier more empowered ways to view (user uploaded on reddit etc) and the issues of getting too hooked into it. They are really well adjusted and responsible young men.
My daughter is a completely different kettle of fish. She looked up porn at an early age and hid it from us. I have so much guilt about that happening. We tried to introduce social media in a way that allowed her to interact with her peers and be part of the gang, but she met other young girls who were into self harm and lots of negative stuff and this severely impacted her.
Against my better judgment I installed controls via apple, but it was glitchy and ineffective. I always believed that if kids want to access anything they will find a way and she has certainly proven that - starting secret accounts on other devices, using her friends’ devices to login to snap and tik tok - of course she has.
In the end I got our pact because I wanted her to be able to access socials but only on an agreed schedule. I didn’t want her hiding and sneaking. It has been pretty good but she continues to do wild things like download sketchy apps (unsure how but she got past our pact and downloaded an app called ‘freak’ and was talking to literal pedos).
We had 6 weeks totally off all screens and honestly it was amazing for her but she became super isolated from all her friends, and as we have has school refusal issues I was worried being so cut off would start all that up again. She actually chose to stay off for that time before going back on.
Unfortunately she has started nicking off on trains and shoplifting- I noticed on snap map she was on a train and then she wagged school so it all came out.
She’s honestly a beautiful kid just struggles so hard and doesn’t know why she does this stuff. I looked at our pact screen recording and their ultra tracking software - it just feels absolutely gross and big brother-ish to me. I hate the idea of it but I am also so worried about her.
We talked about the screen recording and of course she felt that was so invasive - I said if this dishonesty and sneaking continues I’ll probably have to.
Can young people here offer me perspective. Am I making a mistake wanting her to maintain some contact with socials and her peers? Or am I being a total dickhead by not just completely switching off her access?
I know it’s reddit. But some gentleness would be appreciated because this is honestly so hard and scary. I just want her to be safe and ok

Posted on his Facebook page that he is moving to a Communications job at SSU. Thanks for everything Dustin!
On Sept. 11, 2001, a series of terrorist attacks set me on a path to do three things: to correct misinformation as a life goal, to enter a field that in some way improves people’s understanding of their world, and to earn bipartisan respect in how I do it.
I’ve written an untold number of stories across 23 years and been taken to places new and old, familiar and fresh. I've interviewed rock legends, presidential candidates (well... one), and along the way met unforgettable sources ranging from a baby battling neuroblastoma to an elderly Lawrence woman growing a potato in her apartment and naming it like a son.
Of course, this path has had its drawbacks. I was told early on that “being a reporter doesn’t pay well,” and that I was entering a “dead industry” fresh from its collapse in 2008. But, after my first time talking to a doggie daycare that made the Today Show and becoming friends with a cat, I realized the career also paid in memories... amply... and there’s really no place I’ve worked that has created more memories for me than Salem. It’s the beat I’ve worked the longest as a reporter; the most recent Halloween marked my 10th in the city.
It also marked my last.
On Oct. 24, seven days before Halloween, I turned 40. I did so without having yet saved any money for retirement, and while working at least 70 hours per week at two to three jobs for the last several years. The combined paychecks still put me a good bit below median household income for the area — something that comes to mind every time I see a comment online that talks about how people should try living where they can afford to.
There's also a dark side to journalism that has emerged in the last half-decade, one that I’d argue doesn’t get enough attention. It’s one of the few industries that is entirely private while also being fully public-facing — journalists are effectively public officials, without the protections and benefits of being public officials. We take a lot of shots from readers, some of whom would delight in us being out of the job and financially destroyed, and we just chuckle and move on with our day.
For the dark side, there’s also the light. In some parts of the real world, journalists are thanked for their service as if we’re active military. I’ve been compared to nurses working the pandemic, held up as a leader stabilizing a maligned society, and invited to share my perspective and experiences with high school classrooms, podcasts, even Boy Scout troops.
Being a reporter pays well in the memories you collect along the way (thankfully they aren't subject to a tax). To that end, I’ve at times felt wealthy for having the privilege of covering a city like Salem — even with its dark underbelly actively arguing that I shouldn’t have a job or be allowed to exist.
With this double-edged sword equipped for so long, I knew I’d put it down at some point. When thinking about the kind of job it would take to leave the news industry, I found there was really only one that kept coming up in my mind: an opening in Communications at my Alma Mater, UNH. That would honestly be a dream... a position like that opening at a college campus I knew so well. To my fortune, that exact position opened in my backyard toward the end of 2023, on a college campus I know just as well as UNH — if not better.
In early June, I’ll be switching careers as I assume the role of Associate Director of External Communications at Salem State University.
I loved my college experience and always joked that if I won the lottery, I'd go back to school and get a degree in physics, do something nutty with string theory. But really, there’s something about the college environment where I’m most comfortable: everybody is there to learn and grow, and, from each graduate, society receives an opportunity for transformation. The feeling you get walking through a space like that can't really be replicated anywhere else... At least that's the fuzzy feeling I get when walking onto a college campus.
It’s hard to imagine leaving the only world I’ve known professionally and no longer covering the city I love, but I’m not going that far. I’m still working in the same beautiful city and would love for you to say “hey” when you see me out doing whatever. You may also see my byline from time to time, and I think I'd even like to continue doing “the spreadsheet” each night polls are open.
But, for now, this bro is going off the record to go back to school.

Welcome to this beautifully renovated 4-room HDB flat located at Blk 139 Jalan Bukit Merah! This spacious 109 sqm unit on a low floor offers a perfect blend of modern living and convenience. Join us as we take you on a tour of this stunning home!
Features:
Spacious Layout: 109 sqm of well-utilized space, perfect for families.
Modern Renovations: Stylishly updated interiors with quality finishes.
Low Floor: Easy access and added convenience.
Bright and Airy: Ample natural light and ventilation throughout the unit.
Well-Connected Location: Close to amenities, schools, and public transport.
Highlights:
Living and Dining Area: Open-concept design with elegant flooring and a cozy ambiance.
Kitchen: Fully equipped with modern appliances and ample storage space.
Bedrooms: Generously sized, perfect for relaxation and rest.
Bathrooms: Sleek and contemporary fittings for a refreshing experience.
Nearby Amenities:
Shopping: NTUC FairPrice, Tiong Bahru Plaza, and more.
Education: Within close proximity to reputable schools.
Transport: Convenient access to major bus routes and MRT stations.
Don't miss this opportunity to own a beautifully renovated home in a prime location! Watch the full video tour to see more of this amazing HDB flat. Like, share, and subscribe for more property tours and updates!
https://youtu.be/BnpK2vcLZZU
🌟 Stay Safe & Stay Focused Always Here For You 🌟
Best regards,
Edmund Ee
PropNex Associate Branch District Director
Co-Founder of PropertyNet.SG
Whatsapp Me: https://wa.me/6598343222
Find out more about me: https://edmundeerealtor.com
Connect with me on Social Media:
📘 Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/EdmundEe
📺 YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@EdmundEeRealtor
🎵 TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@edmund.ee.realtor
🐦 Twitter - https://www.twitter.com/edmundeerealtor
📸 Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/edmundeerealtor
🔗 LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/edmund-ee

HDB #JalanBukitMerah #RenovatedFlat #PropertyTour #SingaporeProperty #RealEstate #HomeTour #4RoomFlat #LowFloorLiving #PrimeLocation

A few weeks ago, I felt dejected upon seeing my results for the USTET and ACET, both were my dream schools but unfortunately I didn't get in. I hoarded the past posts of people in Tomasino and the ateneo sub especially in the megathread in hopes I may be able to get myself reconsidered, from getting details such as the formatting to understanding the purpose, contents, and such of the reconsideration letter which I was able to make at least a week after the results were released. There was this one particular comment though which set me interacting with people of prestige and that involved the letter of endorsement.
The comment detailed how his friend was able to get into UST after talking to a Dominican Priest whom she was able to show her masterful works. That drove me into actively looking for priests to talk to myself. I didn't know anyone, nor did I know the process, but I was ready, I was ready to be interviewed, ready to show my works, ready to endorse myself to whomever was willing to help me in my endeavor, which also involved helping my friend attain a letter of his own. I asked my church friends if they knew any, and even joined religious groups on facebook to see if I could get into contact with anyone and after a while in passivity, a church leader friend messaged me. Apparently, he knew a Dominican friar and so, I pleaded with him which I really didn't have to given we were close and he was really willing to help. After detailing my situation, he set us up with the said friar in the Sto. Domingo church.
Fast forward to a week later, we were able to have an insightful conversation with him, but unfortunately he said he couldn't help our situation but recommended me to go into UST to talk to the priests there, or as an alternative which my aforementioned church leader friend and a priest from the church endorsed, approach the bishop of Cubao himself. I do admit that the meeting demoralized me, and I went home rather broken but a good sleep, short conversation with a friend whom I was also helping get into UST, and Miki Matsubara's Mayonaka No Door later, and I'm back in the game. I wrote a letter to the bishop for the both of us and asked his hand in endorsing us, especially that we were alumni in the school that housed the seat of the Diocese with weights to carry. Honestly, I wasn't really able to pour my heart and soul into that letter, unlike my reconsideration letters for ADMU and UST which I worked on in a computer shop for better focus, and I thought it wasn't written that well, but I gave what I could give, and was ready to face the uphill process I thought it was going to face. It helped that we had a late mother's day dinner to seal the day too.
A day later, I went to the obispado and gave the letter to the guard with whom I conversed with again after an errand in school regarding my DLSU grades form. He told me to come back yesterday and I did, unfortunately, still nothing but this time the different person on the desk asked me for my contact details. I was optimistic, and was willing to wait even more, but I didn't think it would be as quick as one day later. This morning, at least hours after I had once again checked my emails for updates, they called and told me to return. I was excited, and rushed to leave. "This is it" I thought. "We finally got an endorsement letter!" The guard enthusiastically gave them to me and the sister, whom I assume was Bishop's secretary, asked me to check if it was alright to avoid any issues and after reading the short but meaningful contents, I was happy.
My happiness was fanned further by seeing the K-Wave canned coke finally arrive in the Philippines after having it in Osaka.
Although right now time and slots are our enemy, being endorsed by the bishop is a good thing, a relatively big milestone, and a good impression I suppose to both universities run by Catholic orders. I didn't get any letters from either the Jesuits or Dominicans, but I am happy I got to meet with the latter in the quest for España and Katipunan. Thank you so much bishop!!!!
I suppose this deserves a little celebration 'no?

I am deleting reddit and all social media apps and putting my phone away as much as I can from now on wish me luck. My mental state has deteriorated over months and months and I am scared i will return to previous states of mind I've been in living in fear and reacting with my emotions. I am gonna take my needs more seriously. My physical, nutritional and mental health. I learnt some skills from dbt therapy and still have my book where I can start up again by myself anytime. I am ashamed that I have not been myself recently. I feel like the mental health system is not build to heal people but keep them trapped and I live health problems since my interactions over 15 years. I have found healing and therapy through simple things like owning a pet, going outdoors and into nature and having work that gives me meaning and purpose. I am gonna try and focus on building healthier habits. Some of this is hopeful or wishful thinking but as I am getting older I am seeing a difference at what I work on and what other people want me to do for their benefits. I was misdiagnosed with the wrong illnesses because I come from a cultural background and all doctors or psychiatrists this was in the short span of seeing me because it was easier to put a bandaid on the problems then find a root cause. I was being gaslighted and manipulated in so many ways my dog passed and I lost family members and some responses were like why are you sad you shouldn't be so sad or having such a reaction it was used as an excuse to give me pills with no evidence they would work or why i was taking them. My life is so much better with not taking pills. I wasn't allowed to work or have a licence and that seemed reasonable even when I had to dig through the garbage just to survive people just laughed at me.
There's is more going on with me and in my mind. I am just over ads on Facebook, reddit and YouTube. I would like to feel I control of how things effect my thoughts and emotions I am going back to an old school life.

I'm told women want a man who knows what he wants, so here's the whole nine yards. If there is anything here that you are not willing to accept, then don't. You will not change me now or years down the line. Obviously I intend to grow and mature (as one ought to), but I have decided who I am and what I want out of a relationship.
I am looking for a woman that I can make a permanent covenant bond with; I have no interest in flings or "long-term relationships."
I don't intend to come across as bitter or angry with any of this, just clear and up-front. It makes things easier for both of us.
A bit about me:
My faith in Christ is paramount in my life. I would not be where I am without him. In taking interests in various things, I've learned a lot about God's character and design. Each new thing I learn fills me with more worship of him and wonder at his works. It is very important to me that you share this admiration of God.
I have a full-time job that I am very satisfied with, but what I feel truly passionate about is art and storytelling. To be honest, I've hit a bit of a block lately as far as my output. But I've been trying to find my feet so I can make something valuable to share with the world. I think that art and stories are a fundamental part of being human, not just a luxury. So pretty much any kind of art will spark passion in me, be it music, cinema, video games, literature, video essay, sculpture, etc. I could go back and forth for hours on a lot of things. My hope is that you and I will be able to enjoy art together and create some of our own.
I frequently spend time with another gentleman from my Church and we enjoy conversations about personal projects and contemporary issues, along with walks along beaches and park trails. He is a very important friend in my life, and I am lucky to know such a kind soul. Things aren't well with my family, so I really need that kind of presence.
While I rely on my bicycle for transport (no car), it's not a problem for me. I've been riding bikes since I was in elementary school (maybe even before). It would be really nice to ride down some trails with you.
What I expect from you:
-You need to be a follower of Jesus Christ. God needs to be an active part of your life because I intend to raise our children under Biblical values.
-You need hobbies and interests apart from me. I'm fine with helping you find things you like.
-You need to have no mileage.
-You must be humble and respectful. "Boss babe" attitudes are not attractive to me.
-You cannot have any tattoos or piercings.
-No cosmetic products. It's not good for your body and I am attracted women, not makeup. This includes fake nails and fake eyelashes. I don't need you to look "pretty." You character is more important to me.
-Related to the previous, no use of image filters in photos. I do not like the type of people who are vain and vapid enough to feel the need to use filters on their photos.
-Again related to the previous, you need to have a limited social media presence. If you have a business or post something of value (like art, for example), then I have no problem. What I'm talking about is having an Instagram or Facebook account where you make random posts to nobody in particular to "update" the internet on your life or post tons of pictures of yourself online. Basing your self-worth on the comments and likes from strangers on the internet is unhealthy, and I find people's obsessive need to take pictures of themselves very unattractive and vain.
-If we marry, I expect you treat me as the head of the house. There can't be two leaders in a household because one will have to submit to the other.
-I expect you to view marriage as something that you put work into. Marriages are a team effort, so I expect you to be a help meet.
-You need to treat me like a partner, not an adversary. Getting into arguments and nagging me helps neither of us. You must have conflict-resolution skills and a solution mindset.
-You need excellent communication skills. This means understanding yourself, putting your thoughts into words other people can understand, and verbalizing things rather than expecting me to read your thoughts.
-You cannot play games with me. Telling me about other guys to make me jealous or planning dates for specific days to pressure me into committing to you are wicked and manipulative.
-While we are dating, you cannot have a "backup plan." I expect you to not be splitting your attention between me and other men. This includes spending time outside of work with other men (family excluded).
-You must be in shape. Don't be dishonest with yourself about your weight; check your BMI. This includes being underweight, anorexic, and bulimic.
-You cannot have taken any COVID-19 vaccinations from any provider.
-No smoking, drugs, or drunkenness.
-I expect you to completely renounce fast food if we date or marry. We will never feed our children McDonald's.
What you can expect from me:
-While we are dating, I will not be speaking to other women.
-I cannot meet your height, money, or attractiveness expectations. I am simply an average dude. I am critical, abstract, and imaginative in my thinking though.
-I will not ask you to do something that is unreasonable or demeaning. I will only ask of you what I expect from myself. No relationship is going to be 50/50 100% of the time, but I will put forth the effort I am able to. I expect the same out of you.
-I will not raise my hand against you. My hands will be a safe place for you.
-I will be available to listen to your troubles and help you bear through them.
-I will not demean you or humiliate you, whether or not you are in the room.
-I will show leadership in our house and exercise restraint with a mild temper.
-I will cherish you and treat you as my own body.
-I will devote myself to displaying my love for you in a language you understand, even if I am feeling distant from you because of troubles we face. I expect the same from you.
-I will not turn to another woman and betray you.
-I intend to keep every promise that I make with you.
-I will treat our children with patience and kindness, but diligently discipline them and instruct them appropriately.
Please tell me a bit about yourself and what you expect out of a relationship, but be practical and clear. A list of platitudes like "loyal, honest, etc" does not help me understand what you're looking for. Think about what your expectations look like in a tangible, everyday way.

i'm a high school senior (17), i lost a close friend a few weeks ago from suicide and i can't help but feel some sort of blame for what happened. we were talking daily in the days leading up to her suicide, and she didn't let me in that anything was wrong at all. we exchanged jokes in messenger and everything seemed fine. we hadn't talked much recently up til this point since we were put into different classes, so i was glad she reached out to me about 2 months ago and we made an active effort to reconnect with each other.
3 days before her suicide, i saw she deactivated her account. no big deal! must've just gotten it banned or replaced or something, she'll hit me up on the new acc eventually. day after that, i saw our classmates having 'rip (classmate name)!!' in their statuses, i thought it was a pretty dark joke but she was complaining to me about the schoolwork before, it must've just meant she finally got a break from all that. then finally, our class president posted to our gc, 'is anyone else gonna come w\ us to pay their respects to (classmate)'s funeral?'
so i messaged him about it, asked him which classmate it was since her name was pretty common. it turns out to be her. i told him to tell me what really happened and stop joking around, but it was real. he told me she couldn't take it anymore, but i still didn't believe him so i looked it up online. her parents did post about her death and it was real. i think my world crashed around me at that point.
i came crying to my relatives about it after i was slightly calmer finally asking them for some solace, they were flabbergasted i had the nerve to cry for a non-blood non-relative person (yes, they really said that). they said she was weak and that's why she died, and they even mocked me when i got up to leave the room by acting all faux dramatic about it: 'nOOO! don't leave US!' I can't fucking believe them. anyway, i came out feeling even worse than when i first found out the news. to this day they're still bitching about me feeling sorry for my friend and asked if i was still moping around.
only one teacher said anything remotely sympathetic to her suicide. our homeroom teacher literally told us to keep quiet about it and stop asking questions about what happened, the school board certainly was fucking quiet about it too. they didn't post any announcements or grieving posts to their facebook page, even though it's still active right now and posted after the incident. the parents don't seem to be keeping quiet about it either since i first found out about the suicide from their post. currently, no other teacher has said anything at all and it's been a few weeks now.
i asked a friend over text for some sympathy (context: we're close but he didn't know the friend) and he had the gall to laugh about her death, i told him the school was covering up her death and he literally replied 'hahah'. i told him she was my best friend and he replied with 'ahh', and nothing else. nope, not one ounce of comfort. another friend over dms that also didn't know her (but knew i was close friends with the girl) shut me point blank and told me PUBLICLY that she was not gonna reply ever. so fuck that.
the friend that died was so kind. everyone loved her. but it felt like everyone moved on too soon (the classmates that did know her), or just didn't give a shit at all (everyone else basically). she was quiet but generous and never insulted anyone. i just wish she told me something, anything, and i could've at least offered her some comfort when she needed it. i feel so much worse knowing i knew basically nothing about the pain she was going through even when she was there when i needed her. i had a dream a few days ago where i traveled back in time and told her how much all of us loved her and would be sad if she were gone. i woke up before i could even get her response.
(sorry this is all so long. i recently played through a game that contained a scene where the mc stops a friend from committing suicide, and it just brought back the memories. i've been keeping myself distracted lately by just not thinking about what happened at all. there isn't anyone else i can confide to that i haven't done already)

I apologize that this is very long but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest.
My first long-term partner (K) and I were together for about 3.5 years. K was the first person I had ever gone on a Tinder date with. She was so stunning, my first word to her was an awe struck “wow.” Both of us said we weren’t looking for anything serious but we were immediately inseparable.
She was married (though they weren’t intimate) when we first started dating, so we kinda began as a poly relationship. Her husband was dating other people as well and we would go on double dates occasionally. I was happy with the arrangement, but the underlying issues in their relationship resulted in their divorce.
We decided to be monogamous for about 2 years. She was the first partner I had moved in with. Our apartment was shitty; the first one we were put in within this community literally had a pipe burst and flood the week we moved in, but we made it ours. We had arguments occasionally but we always talked things out and never went to bed angry. We adopted an elderly dog and a hydroponic garden in our kitchen table. We challenged each other to grow, supported each other, and were study partners while we worked towards our degrees. We were happy.
We decided to explore polyamory again because we felt like we had a solid foundation but had always preferred enm. We agreed to a non-hierarchical ktp dynamic and were entirely on the same page. She went on a few dates before I got a match (amab problems 😂) but I was consistent in my compursion; I was genuinely happy that she was going out and having fun.
Then she started dating him (S). S was an alcoholic living in an absolute shit hole, but we took him in like a stray cat. A few of the 🚩’s we ignored were that he unironically liked Joe Rogan, had extreme trauma and refused therapy, and he (claimed to have) killed people as a mercenary overseas. He lived in PA and was planning on taking a greyhound back to pick up a car. I suggested we drive him down instead. The trip went great and shortly after we got back, we invited him to move in. They had only been dating for 3 weeks and I expressed concerns about NRE, but K convinced me she would somehow not experience it.
At first, things were surprisingly good. There was a little bit of getting used to. They often had difficulty communicating with each other so I predominantly settled into a mediator role, but we were able to work through things together.
K finished her degree but couldn’t find work where we lived, so we began looking in PA. The plan was for K and S to work while I finished the last year of my degree and did the majority of the domestic labor. Once we got there, there arguments began spiraling out of control.
For the first 2 months, they argued almost every single day. S would become irrationally angry and then suddenly dismiss the topic. At the same time, K put all of her energy into her relationship with S. I told her repeatedly that I was feeling neglected and that I couldn’t keep acting as their mediator while getting no support myself. I was spent.
Then K got fired. I put my education on hold to work until she was able to find something else, and S took a job where he’d be traveling out of town for weeks at a time. I had hoped this might allow her the space to refocus on our relationship some. Every time he left, K would message S in the middle of every conversation we had, including when we went on the rare occasion we went on dates together.
Sex isn’t everything; what I craved was intimacy, but to try and keep things somewhat equal, K asked us to keep track of how long it had been since we had sex. We only had sex 5 times in all of 2023, while they had sex 5 times the first week we moved to PA. It was hard not to compare relationships when we weren’t even intimate on our 3rd anniversary.
S was completely self absorbed. Once he came home from work and I asked how he was doing. He talks all about his day, walks off to the bedroom and asks K about her day like he didn’t care about me at all. I decided to see how long it would take for him to initiate a conversation with me, and we basically just stopped talking entirely.
His alcoholism was also getting worse. He began drinking while arguing with K and got so drunk he could barely stand. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I was getting worried that things were going to become physically violent, and I know I wouldn’t just sit by if he became violent with K. One or both of us would have died. When he screamed at K on the balcony from 9:30-11:00pm because I ate some leftovers he wanted to eat (not even all of it), I knew something needed to change.
I had made it clear by this point that I wanted S to move out while he gets into therapy, but K refused to ever broach the topic with him together or alone. I suggested couples therapy since my therapist was familiar with enm, but they both refused. The only other option that I saw was for me to move back in with my family to protect myself. K and I agreed to try a long distance relationship while things settled down. All I asked of K was a single 30 minute phone call each week.
I left at the end of Nov, and for the first couple months things were going as well as could be expected. I enrolled in school, began working out, and had a good therapist. I gave K nearly my entire final paycheck to help cover rent while they found a roommate and they agreed to take me off the lease once they found one. In therapy, I came to realize I was still harboring some anger because the way our relationship dynamic changed once we moved was basically cheating. I eventually told her that we couldn’t have a real relationship while they were still together. She didn’t really seem phased by it; she sent me a sweet gift for my birthday in Jan, we talked about how much we missed our life together every time they fought. We even planned for her to come visit when she got her tax return, partly to bring the last of my belongings and partly to visit and feel normal again.
In Feb, K confided in me the verbal abuse had escalated, that S was threatening to kick her out unless she began working despite dealing with serious medical issues (not to mention we were all 3 on the lease together months after they found a roommate). I didn’t have enough money to keep going to therapy and the phone calls became less frequent. I was becoming extremely worried for K, constantly checking the shared location data to make sure she was still alive. I would spend days crying at a time, unable to get out of bed. I fell behind in school and even confided to K I was beginning to feel suicidal.
In mid-March, K affirms that we can’t have a real relationship, that she is going to try to make things work and was in couples therapy with S. K cancels her plan to visit without explanation, trying to gaslight me that we had discussed it but refusing to elaborate. I contacted K’s cousin because I was worried that S was manipulating her but I also wanted to respect her autonomy.
The lease was set to renew in April and I still hadn’t been taken off the lease (despite having a roommate move-in back in Jan) so I told them I wouldn’t pay my portion of the phone bill until they took me off as we had agreed. It felt callous, but it seemed like the only way to make sure I was off the lease. Of course, once I made it a problem for them they finally acted, but I hate that I had to strong arm them. Regardless, I upheld my end of the promise as soon as I got the change in writing from the office.
I was sick of seeing their faces in family sharing every time I opened my settings so I told them I was planning on getting my own phone plan. I tried to transfer my number, but the account was in S’s name. I told a csr that I wasn’t comfortable speaking with S. They told me they would attempt to contact him and get him to authorize the transfer for me, but he refused to answer their calls and messages.
For the last 6 months, they had continued using my dashpass so it notified me every time they ordered food in, and I would breakdown missing the life K and I had built together. I told K I wasn’t comfortable with them using my account anymore. K immediately pushed my boundary, telling me she’s just not feeling good that day and politely asked if she could use it. I relent, but the next day, I changed the password to reinforce my boundary.
The next day I get multiple failed login attempts, clearly from them trying to use my dashpass without asking. K asks if I changed the password, which I affirmed. Then S shut off my phone line without notice. I was forced to get a new number which messed with many of my digital accounts because of 2FA.
We’ve barely talked since then but today she changed her pfp to a picture of them smiling together with a bottle in front of S and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I deleted every picture of us together. I unfriended her, her friends, and her family. I deleted the messages, I threw out the stupid fucking “hold this until you can hold me” pillowcase, and everything else that makes me think of our life together.
They still have my late grandfather’s speakers and records, all of my power tools, and a couple paintings I’d had for a long time. As hard as it is to accept that I may never see any of those again, I’d rather have my peace.
Maybe I’ll find that peace one day, but honestly all I feel is hate. I hate that K wouldn’t choose me over S, that she gave up on our life together. I hate S for stealing my life from me. I hate the thought of them laying together in our bed. But most of all I hate myself. I hate that I was too cowardly to confront S, that I was too timid about affirming my boundaries, that I had so much hubris as to think K and I could withstand anything together. I hate that I still love K as much as ever.
There’s a good chance K sees this, and all I want to say to you is that I deserve someone who treats me like a priority. I deserve someone who doesn’t tell me I’m hard to love. I deserve better, and so do you.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAtricionera posting in TrueOffMyChest
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 2nd February 2024
Update1 - 2nd February 2024
Update2 - 17th May 2024
​
My sister slept with my boyfriend and I sent her a really cruel message that I don't regret at all
​
My sister slept with my boyfriend and I sent her a really cruel message that I don't regret at all Sorry but this post will have A LOT of bad energy and I'm terrible at writing in English so If anyone is going to read the post, I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors that are likely to be in the post. :P
So a few days ago I (F25) found out that my sister (24f) has been sleeping with my boyfriend (now ex, 25m. We dated for three years) for one year or probably more.
They always had a close relationship but I obviously took it as something innocent, I don't like video games but my sister does so they talked a lot by text and I thought it was about games they like until I found out that no, they talked a lot about their secret dates while I was working and in college, I found pictures, videos and a lot of other disgusting things in the chats between my ex and my sister.
My pathetic sister found pleasure in asking my pathetic ex all the time if she's smarter or prettier than me, she even compared our private parts, wth (We're both pretty, she's actually thinner and prettier than me and even if she's an introvert she has her group of friends so I really don't understand where she got so much venom towards me, our parents never compared us or anything like that and she was always the one asking my ex to compare both of us in the chats.)
The first thing I did was throw all my ex-boyfriend's things out of the apartment, I insulted him in a thousand ways and I kept the PC that I gave him for Christmas.
I didn't speak a single word to my sister for over a week and she didn't contacted me like the coward she is until yesterday when she sent me a message trying to justify herself by saying that it was a mistake (Yes, a mistake that lasted more than a year) and that I should forgive her because we're sisters and blah blah blah at one point I thought "Should I be the mature person in the situation who doesn't let resentment speak for her?" but then I realized that I've never been that kind of person. I took my phone and wrote a long message to my sister that I would love to write here but I am sure that I would break the rules since I called her out in every possible way and I wrote a lot of personal things too, I told her how much of a failure she is and how she has always envied me and that's why she needed to feel what it's like to be me for a second of her sad life.
She sent me a voice massage crying and saying that she's in a very weak moment mentally (but she's still with him, lmao) and I shouldn't make her feel worse and that she regrets it, I just reacted to her message with this emoji 😂 and didn't even heard the long voice message until the end.
Was it a low thing to attack her with all her flaws? Yes, but it's lower to betray your sister and believe that she's going to forgive you just because you share blood with her.
Honestly, I feel really good after sending her that message and feel that it was Therapeutic to take out everything I feel to give closure to that.
Btw I've never used a PC for gaming but I'm looking for tutorials on YouTube about how to download the SIMS.
I helped my sister in every moment of her life, I literally fought for her when she was being bullied during High school, I helped her thousands of times to make friends, I even accompanied her everywhere she wanted, it is a betrayal that really hurts and I will never forgive, never. It hurts me that she slept with someone I loved, but it hurts me a lot all the things I read in those chats, how she enjoyed watching him compare me to her or how she asked him about personal things about our relationship just to laugh at it. She's dead to me and my parents knows it.
I don't even care if I'm a bad person like them, this is something I can't forgive and I don't even feel bad for my reaction.
​
Comments
​
tsscaramel
At least your ex showed he was a POS before you got married so now you have the opportunity to find someone who actually appreciates you, sounds like an upgrade if you ask me.

OOP: To be honest the relationship was already going bad in some ways (although that doesn't justify what he did) so I don't feel too bad for breaking up, I took out the trash

​
MyUsernameIsMehh
Going bad is still never an excuse to cheat. If e had the slightest bit of respect for you as a human being then he would just break up
Good riddance.
People often say "how you lose them is how you got them" so I wouldn't be surprised if she came crying to you one day about him cheating on her
​
Ithink-imoverit2405
Good for you. Perpetrator only makes themselves a victim when they wanted to. Please inform your parents of the event to not let her play victim more and throw you under the bus and back the bus to hit you more times.

OOP: Thanks! They already know everything. Neither of them are on her side and they respect that I want to cut off all contact with my sister. My parents are really strict so I think they're going to cut contact with her too but that's their decision, I don't want to get into that and cause problems

​
The message - same day
​
Thank you for all the nice comments you left me! Many wrote to me with tips for the sims and I'm really grateful, thanks for the game recommendations even though I'm really bad at playing action game, The last action game I played was Resident Evil 4 on the PS2 long time ago and it was because I had a crush with Leon Kennedy (he would never cheat on me btw).
As a token of appreciation (And because I also like it when the op uploads the whole gossip), I will put here half of the message I sent to my sister.
The message I sent her was really long and I cut out the parts where I talk about very private things or when I insulted her to not make the post too uncomfortable because I was really hurt and angry at that moment and I talked about many personal things in the text. I will put the copy of the message in the end if someone talks Spanish. I'm sorry if it sounds weird in English, I did my best to translate it and I had to remove a lot of parts.
"I'm not interested in hearing any of your excuses, I believed you when a problem she had with her ex-friend group happened because I really trusted that you would never do something like that but now I understand why everyone leaves you alone and you deserve it.
What you did to me is a shit and you know it but you didn't care because you spent a year being the whore of ex name without any shame and now that I found out everything you went days without talking to me because you are a coward and on top of that you still don't care about what you did to me, You're only talking to me because Dad probably stopped talking to you and you're running out of money, so you want to fix this shit so he gives you money again.
You were always an asshole but don't you think it's a lot to be my boyfriend's second woman? How little respect do you have for yourself? We're sisters, I don't even know what's going on in your head because I don't understand what's wrong with you. Girl, I read all the messages between you and you even started comparing our bodies, YOU'RE SICK.
You know that I never did anything for you to do this to me and I loved you. But everything turned out really well for you because he's with you so enjoy that feeling and the love you two have for the other for now because you are going to be really lonely later and you are going to go back to your cave but this time I am not going to be there to pity you like every time I did before.
Stay with him, there's nothing that interests me less than fighting for an idiot who is surely going to leave you but let me make it clear to you that you're not going to hear about me again, this dies here, we are not sister's anymore. If I see you on the street then I'm going to cross to the opposite sidewalk to not see you."
"No me interesa escuchar ninguna de tus excusas, yo te creí cuando pasó lo de a problem she had with her ex-friend group porque de verdad confié en que vos nunca harías algo así pero ahora entiendo por qué todos te dejan sola y te lo mereces.
Lo que me hiciste es una cagada y vos lo sabes pero no te importó porque estuviste un año siendo la trola de ex name sin ninguna vergüenza y ahora que me enteré de todo estuviste días sin hablarme porque sos re cagona y encima te sigue sin importar lo que me hiciste, solamente me estás hablando porque papá seguramente te cortó el rostro y te estás quedando sin plata así que querés arreglar tu cagada para que te vuelvan a depositar. Siempre fuiste una pelotuda fracasada pero no te parece un montón rebajarte a ese nivel de ser la segunda de mi novio? Tan poco respeto te tenés a vos misma? Somos hermanas, no sé ni que está pasando por tu cabeza porque posta no entiendo que te pasa. Flaca, leí todos los mensajes entre ustedes y te ponías a comparar nuestros cuerpos, estás re enferma.
Vos sabes que yo nunca te hice nada para que vos me hagas esto y te re quería, igual te salió re bien porque el está con vos así que disfruta por ahora ese amor que se tienen porque después te vas a quedar sola de verdad y vas a volver a tu cueva pero esta vez no voy a estar yo para tenerte lastima como siempre hice antes.
Quédate con el, no hay nada que me interese menos que pelear por un idiota que seguramente te va a dejar pero que te quede claro que de mi no vas a volver a escuchar, acá muere, no somos más hermanas y si te veo en la calle me cruzo de vereda."
Edit: Yes, I'm from Argentina :)
​
Update - 3 months later
​
They broke up nobody's surprised
When all of this happened my parents scolded my sister and she got offended and didn't speak to our parents except to ask them for money, she asked them for money to buy things for her career but then my aunt told my parents that my sister actually used that money to buy my ex some sneakers.
My parents never gave her any money from that day on, she's an idiot tbh. My parents started to pay for us to go to a private college and the only thing we have to do is literally STUDY, The only thing she had to do was take her studies seriously but she didn't, so my father got tired and hasn't sent her money for months.
My ex discovered the post because he said it went viral in Facebook and obviously he recognized the story, he contacted me to apologize and said he knows he did wrong by hurting me like that but my sister 'manipulated him' and it was a total mistake, I told him he can shove his apologies in the ass. Meanwhile, my sister and I have only crossed paths a few times, but she always avoids me because she thinks I'm going to hit her (I won't). We're not going to the same career so we luckily don't see each other too much
Anyway, a few days ago she went to our parents' house saying that she broke up with my ex (idk why) And that she felt really sad and had an anxiety attack, I don't know exactly what they talked about since I wasn't there but my mother told me that she told my sister that she knew what was going to happen when she slept with him and my sister justified herself by saying that 'They're in love' so my mother and her just argued again and my sister left. Now she doesn't talk to anyone in the family except our grandmother to ask for money, I know my sister is not going to change her bad habits and she didn't learn anything from this, I even think she will get together with my ex again because they're just toxic with each other but it's her life to ruin, not mine and I don't care anymore.
The bright side: I sold the pc to a guy from reddit that saw my post and that really saved me from having to keep paying the dues, unfortunately I didn't get to play The Sims much but I prefer the extra money. My ex had told me that he wanted the pc back but I told him that then he should pay the remaining dues AND HE SAID NO, so the idiot wanted the pc for free even though he slept with my sister. 🥴
The weird side: There are YouTubers who are literally charging their subscribers to read the post or other reddit posts in their podcast, tf, at least give me a share of the profits.
I'm know it's a boring update and probably everyone wanted that the update was my sister begging for forgiveness and my ex suffering but no, they are just two idiots who deserve each other and nothing more happened but even today I received a message asking me for an update, haha.
​
Comments
​
Driverpicksthetunes
Not even 6 months later they break up, oh yeah clearly it was twuuuuu wuvvvv 😂 glad you sold the PC and dropped the dead weight from your life
​
MyUsernameIsMehh

They broke up

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That was quick lmfao
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Hi my name is Askal Dog i'm 27 Years old from the philippines and i hope that you will see me on my livestream like ArmA 3 Arma Reforger Age of empires and many more............ i play in arma 3 as an AutoRifleman,Gunner from abrams,shermans,bradleys and hueys i started this kind of livestream when i was in 2014 i was high school i have lots of experience due to laggy stuttering low fps and minimum budget of graphics card. so this is my kind of story how i am able to be a streamer as an youtuber, twitch streamer and facebook live it will happens if i'm being famous at livestreaming platforms, from twitch-present i hope i will see you again, from time to time i will upload some videos in youtube.
heres my twitch watch now: https://www.twitch.tv/askaldog
youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@icebear405
P.S. i'm an twitch streamer and youtube exporter videos have fun streaming and you will see me on twitch thats all thank you.

hello, I just finished my last semester but I have an issue with the class in the title. Unlike previous students who took the class other semesters ago and are now graduated. My semester was different. My semester for software engineering 2 involved the class working in a group of 4 to build a visa finder application for mobile for this lawyer at this company that handles a lot of legal paper work. we had to work on the app for the entire semester and meet the demands of the client. we had to meet and the demands were asking the user questions such as the ones for visa application, we had to include regions of continents for the people that were gonna apply for the visa, user interface, visual presentation, login functionality, registration and many others. I started my semester weak because my 2 other teams became unresponsive. only one reached out and stayed for the rest of the semester communicating, not that he was much useful, any task I gave him he slacked so at the end I had to do it myself most of everything, reports, phases of the project, and the application itself. school never taught me how to make an app for android so I had to find that out on my own. and after the project is done, this client will choose the best apps from the team and we will have to send her the file, with installation instructions, and how to use.
I ijust feel a bit cheated because students in previous semesters that had this class with this professor never had to deal with this extra responsability with this "client". and this person chooses the app and basically takes the free work from students and who knows what they are going to use it for. my theory is that she is gonna take the "prototype" of students work and hire free lance work to finish some minor things. Professor gave me a C for the class and Im not satisfied. I just want to hear others opinions about this and maybe give some clarity that my thought process is wrong. has any of you had to deal with this in your class for software engineering? because software engineering 1 and 2 we were not taught to make an app, we were just told to. Any feed back will be appreciated. thank you.
( I messaged my professor to talk in person because of my disatisfaction about my grade. hopefully I schedule in person meeting soon.)

Basically I have a lease for Park Place next year and need to find someone to relet to take over. I had a person/friend from school that assured me that he would take it. Anyways yesterday he told me his parents were backing out of taking it and making him live at home because of personal reasons. Now I have a lease for the whole next year. I have posted it on the Facebook (still waiting for approval) and a couple sites. Im just worried wether its realistic or not for someone to take it in the next month or two or if Im fucked.

Ever since elementary school I wasn’t content with my body. It seems like I’ve been on a diet since I was a kid, and didn’t realize how much I had body dysmorphia until looking back at photos where I thought I looked huge, when I wasn’t at all. I even have a before photo I took from a few years ago where I thought I looked triple the size than I actually did. 😔
I’ve now gained 60+ pounds in the past few years due to the chaos of my life, and wish my body was where it once was during the time I appreciated it the least.
Snapchat and Facebook continue to remind me of old photos and memories and it’s sooo painful seeing the body I had and how much I didn’t appreciate it at the time. 😭 For the longest time I’ve always had this mentality of “once I lost X pounds, I’ll finally look the way I want.”
More than ever I want to get back to how I once was…and am motivated to cherish my body and truly appreciate it for all it does.
Anyone relate to this regret? And have any thoughts to maintain momentum and inspiration?
I’m hoping Zepbound will help. Planning to start in June once I secure my second box in light of the shortage chaos.
Thanks for reading this friends, I’m feeling a lot of things right now. 🥲

This person I went to school with did a selfie thread post on facebook and I posted mine and they hearted literally every single persons photo except mine and I got two likes from two other people I know and I’m just like wtf I don’t know why they didn’t heart mine. Like I just talked to them the other night at the bar and everything seemed fine so idk if they have something against me or what. I’m just kind of butt hurt lol.

As I get more and more apps, I want to spend less and less time configuring users.
I saw that jellyfin supported LDAP, and a number of other apps do as well, so I took a look and ended frustrated and annoyed by LDAP's software suite seaming like it was build 20+ years ago and hasn't been updated for the past 10.
Though I really only had a few hours to learn a completely new thing so I'm going to keep at it and see if it changes my first impressions.
I figured I would ask the community what they use and would want to see out of a local central auth system (note: not asking for auth integration with Unraid it self).
So what do you use for a central login management system and/or features you would like in one?
The things I would like in a auth system. 1. Account creation 2. file permissions 3. Docker port/domain level permissions (integration with reverse proxies) 4. Unified user account sync (you only need to change the account in the management app for it to take affect everywhere) 5. A management GUI interface... (My current pain point for LDAP) 6. Locally hosted (does not require a external service or connection to function, just the other apps asking if auth etc..) 7. Sync with other auth systems like Google accounts, Facebook, etc (those are the big names but I know there are a number of other smaller ones that user similar to the say system).
You can also recommend your least painful LDAP setup.

Hey guys,
This is going to be a long post and I appreciate not many of you if any at all are gonna read this post but that’s fine with me.
I think this rant on my the direction of where I’m headed and of my life in general is long overdue there’s probably going to be a few things that I miss out but here we go…I just feel like I need to put it all out there somewhere maybe getting a lot of my thoughts off my mind will help me feel a bit better? Not really sure where I’m going with this but let me give some background.
Academically I’ve always been a very average and in some aspects maybe below average in my opinion. I should note the perspective of myself is probably strongly influenced by the constant comparisons with other people in all aspects whilst I was growing up which has probably skewed the perspective of myself throughout life. My parents always wanted me to do well academically and was always hopeful as a kid that I would go to one of the best universities in the country (there was never any indication of this happening whilst I was young) I was always average in everything I did, a lot of the time it felt as if I had to work my butt off to even be sub average in some cases. I should note that my parents are Asian and their constant comparisons of me and wishfulness has most probably rubbed onto me in terms of my character traits. I love my parents to bits but I think this was probably a part of the problem.
Growing up everyone around me was so bright lots of my friends had huge aspirations and I had always wished that I would become something when I was older I feel like everyone knew what they wanted to do. Being at a good secondary school also meant I was surrounded by lots of smart people which I never felt like I could keep up with. I finished my gcse’s with 1 A 7B’s 3C’s and a D one of the B’s was in maths I was told not to take A level maths by my maths teacher because she essentially Told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I would fail. I took it anyway and through lots of pain and struggle I ended up with BBC with C being in maths and B’s in economics and business I genuinely don’t think I could’ve studied much more and revised much more for my a levels I did dedicate so much time to studying and it was my number one priority but given again given that most people I knew got far better grades than me at this stage in life I always constantly pondered is that all I’m really capable of? I just can’t help but feel disappointed looking back. I was outright told I would fail maths at one point by the same teacher that told me not to take A levels maths because I wanted to retake my AS maths exams due to being on track for a D/E overall if I didn’t do so. Most people I knew went to spectacular russel groups universities studying good degrees oxbridge, imperial, kings college London studying chemical engineering, economics all sorts.
This moves me into the next stage of my life…I got into UEA studying computer systems engineering (basically comp sci + electronic engineering) now UEA isn’t exactly known for comp really more so health and medicine really. There’s a fair bit that went on university actually but I’ll try to keep it short and to the point I guess. It essentially felt like secondary school all over again…made friends most of them were dead smart felt like I couldn’t keep up thankfully I made a good friend that helped me through some modules I struggled with. Got stuck in a placement/sandwich year as an IT placement student which I was really unhappy with came back to uni finished my degree and in the process got caught up in a 2 year unhappy(abusive maybe?) relationship that consequently during the duration resulted in a suicide attempt due to family/relationships problems. (Effectively my family didn’t like me being with her but I had convinced myself I loved her but she wasn’t exactly an amazing person and as a result a few tense situations arose this could be another post in itself) I finished uni and somehow got first class honors. Whilst I was at uni I made lots of good friends outside of uni aswell….I’m into cars you see and I miraculously established a couple friend groups with this mutual interest who I would hang out with had some of the best times with them but came the end of uni I had to leave the city because the city I studied wasn’t exactly thriving in the industry at the time I wanted to work so staying there wasn’t exactly an option.
I should note up until this point I just feel like the friend groups I had been involved with up until this point… I don’t really know how to describe it… but I guess I felt like the human punching bag most times? Maybe I was the most easy to pick on/make fun of? Most notably in sixth form and university. This through never really helped my self esteem.
I landed a job as a graduate software engineer at a big tech consulting firm in Newcastle I was really chuffed with myself at the time. The application process was long and I didn’t expect myself to get the job initially but I miraculously got it! At the time I thought to myself this is me and I’ve made it I’m in a good job at a very reputable company I’m happy and so moved all the way up north by myself. I feel like I have no friends up here still though I have thankfully found myself a wonderful girlfriend who I live with but I still feel kinda lonely far from all my friends and family I know down south. Currently 24 im 1.5 years into the job now and I’m not really enjoying the job I’m doing really for those that are in the tech industry I’m essentially in an applications support role more so than software engineering and I’ve had a look at the other projects the company is involved in I could potentially migrate to none that really seems to interest me and a lot of it is the same kind of role. I’m not really working with the tech I want I’m not doing the job I assumed I would be doing I feel like I’m slowly losing the programming skills that I accumulated during university as all I do is lots of light bug fixing work that requires very minimal technical skill. I feel like I’m not really learning anything and I’ve tried applying for other software engineering jobs but I simply don’t have the skills or experience I thought I would’ve accumulated by now (looking at junior roles) I know life isn’t all about money but I always compare myself to my friends that I feel are doing so much better than me in life in much more senior roles making more money they all seem to be much happier than me and progressing well career wise. During this time I’ve realised I’m not getting paid that well really I don’t really see my self progressing in the company very quickly anytime soon and I’ve flunked a couple final interviews with other companies that would’ve put me in a significantly better financial and career position. Now I find myself applying to so many jobs which I never get a response to and I just really kinda feel even more under qualified as time has gone by. I have started learning the tech neologise on the side by myself however I’m doubtful that this would actually actually help my job search in the long run as most positions require commercial experience in the skills. Ive started contemplating maybe looking for a career change such as consulting but I’m not sure what to look for or what I even really wanna do or qualify for? Unsure how to progress and feeling really unmotivated at this point. I always think to myself if I saw what I would turn out to be right now as a kid I would probably be pretty disappointed.
At this stage I feel like I’m wandering through life aimlessly. I kinda feel like I’m on autopilot. As a result of all of this I’ve felt depressed more so as of late due to low self esteem, low confidence and my anxiety in general is slowly getting worse. I tried going to a shopping centre the other day to get birthday gifts for my girlfriend I essentially had 500 panic attacks whilst I was there. I’ve tried various methods to make friends such as bumble friends or Facebook groups none of which seems to result in anything I just don’t really know what to do. I’m very much unsatisfied with my life and who I am and what I do. I just kinda feel shit really I just wish I was happy with myself… sorry if this post has been a mess it’s kinda unformatted and I’m sure I’ve missed a lot and still got a lot to say but I’ve just typed out what I am thinking and feeling in the moment…