Poem highschool mom

I’m new to this subreddit and by the looks of it most of you in here can relate in some way so I figured why not confide in those who share my struggles even if it’s barely.
So I 19M am currently just wondering what the point is at this point. I’ve got some goods going for me, if you could even call them that. I have a job that not only pays amazing for someone who graduated from highschool 2 years ago, but also doesn’t need to have a degree to have so that’s an upside I guess. I have 1 one my dream cars (even though it doesn’t fucking drive at the moment). And that’s really it.

 Nothing else is going good for me and it’s making think what to do. I got injured at work and am currently in a lawsuit with the state because of it. Due to missing work so much because of this injury I am around $3,000 in debt because of a loan I had to take out to pay for the medical expenses. I’m at risk of losing my job also due to my attendance because of this injury. I haven’t had car insurance in almost 3 months now because once again, no money. Very few friends 1-2 of which don’t feel comfortable around me because i don’t express myself or act like they do in public (im a very introverted person and have to keep my behavior in check because if i just let loose and let my mind and body act as they want im probably gonna kill someone), no girlfriend (for a number of reasons but primarily im not good looking and trust issues). I barely talk to my parents because i feel as if they’re disappointed in me and that’s why they wanted another son so badly. I’m not particularly smart. Dropped out of college before the semester even started because I knew I would fail since I barely graduated high school. And am in constant pain for various reasons. And to top ALL OF THAT OFF, I’m also black (mixed but it’s not like people can tell the difference) so I also have to deal with racism and discrimination everywhere I go. So to sum all of that up, I’m broke, lonely, have trauma because of a bunch of other shit, depressed, tired, in pain, ugly, hated because of my skin, stupid, and a disappointment. So I ask you people of Reddit. What the fuck is the point of going on with life. I know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and the world’s not fair. But idk how to keep going. I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 15 years and the other day my mom asked me while i was visiting her if i was depressed because im also constantly tired. KNOWING I WAS. I didn’t even answer I just looked at her. And when I told her why she stared at me and didn’t know what to say. Not even my grandmother who is a licensed therapist had any words to give me. Makes me think that if not only a therapist can help me then what’s the point. Here’s the other thing that sucks. I have so MANY thoughts that run through my head but if I share them with family or friends. I’ll lose the last bit of familiar interaction I have. I have a lizard to keep me company at my apartment but I’m barely taking care of him. He’s doing even better than me. Free food, water, shelter, entertainment. 

I want nothing more than to die but nothing scares me more than death. Ironic isn’t it, how the thing I want most is also my greatest fear. Almost poetic. So please, tell me what to do suggestions are welcome.
PS: for those who wonder what my job is I’m a correctional officer. I can’t say what state for a few reasons but it’s in the Midwest.

The smell of money... Tea, incense, and sweet foods... All of this to be found in FuMuCha. A tea shop in San Francisco Chinatown, FuMuCha was a safe place where immigrants and their descendants could coexist in peace. The Lees, a Korean immigrant family, moved in many years ago with their toddler son. Their son, Vincent Lee, was easily impressionable and very outgoing. He easily made friends because he was taught to help and be helped to survive. "Money isn't everything, but take the opportunity to live", his parents told him. His parents were smart, they befriended and learned Chinese culture to make life easier to start. Time passes, preschool, ESOL, elementary, then... Middle school.
A loud thud. Blood on the ground. The silence of fear... And trembling...
"Go back to your country!" "You're not welcome here!" "Look at this loser trying to be normal."
Vincent is on the ground, bloodied nose, bruised face, cracked ribs... "I'm... Sorry...". He regretted living. He had no purpose. Living day to day just like the other kids... Until they were taught world history. No matter what he did, the kids bullied him for being the same ethnicity of those who did terrible things or were under the foot of another. Nanking, The railroad, comfort women, the boxer's rebellion, the cultural revolution... He was blamed for all of that just for being born. Isolation, growing his hair out because he refused to go out. This torment lasted until 8th grade.
Vincent walked home from school... The last day of 7th grade, he heard something... "Hiya! Ha!". He turned to look. A man on the television, a weird hairstyle, funny clothes, but... Amazing fighting skills. Vincent immediately wanted to fight like him. He found someone... Someone who could save him from his hell. He used the last of his savings to buy all of the kung fu dvds he could. He spent all summer on his own watching, learning, training... To be like the men... No, the heroes, that saved his life. He found purpose. Being someone else was so... Different. But he needed to be. When he confronted those bullied him, they couldn't win... Vincent was like a bat out of hell. Sloppy techniques, but fast, dedicated... Eventually, with each opponent he defeated, he got a bit better each time... Less bruises, less bloody noses, but... More heart. Too much. His parents decided that America may not be safest... After all, Vincent attracted the attention of the underworld Chinese Mafia. They were going to induct him once he got into highschool because of his knack for violence... So they moved.
"Korea? Why? Why're we moving? I'm getting better, Ma! I'm strong now!" Vincent didn't understand... Not until his mom held him close and said, "that's right, you're very strong. You're my strong baby boy... But ma and pa are not like you... Make sure you protect us too, okay? Protect your family in Korea."
Vincent understood that his new hope wasn't meant for just him... Fighting? Is that all there is to power? No... There's gotta something out there that will teach him what it is to be strong... Something like four schools...

I usually wear jeans and a graphic tee to school with converse or docs, but I was getting tired of wearing the same 2 jeans over and over (I wear my brothedad's old jeans because I don't have any baggy jeans). I decided to be comfortable and do something for a change so I wore sweatpants, however my mom started yelling at me and was extremely pissed about it and stated that I was in "trouble" and she was going to tell my dad. Majority of my school (highschool) wear sweatpants so I figured that it wouldn't be an issue if I decided to be comfortable for one day when school is almost over. Especially since it doesn't violate the dress code that we have. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you would let your kid wear sweatpants to school because I'm genuinely curious.

‼️TW (CP, CSA, DA, DV, EA, ED, PA, RA, SA, SH, SI, WC)‼️
Sorry I know that’s a lot of TW’s there’s just brief mention of some of this stuff so I don’t wanna catch anyone off guard.
This is also a bit of a vent post.
I have absolutely no idea what I have, I had no idea I could potentially have a personality disorder until a few months ago, I am not meaning to rely on social media for help, though where I’m from there is such a lack in psychiatrists in my area so I feel stuck/lost. I will be venting/explaining my situation in full, I just would like to hear thoughts and opinions, I’m not trying to say I have anything specific, but the different personalities have made themselves apparent over the past 5 months. Whether it’s OSDD, BPD, DID, i don’t know.
There’s so much that I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I’ll just start with when I realized something wasn’t right. (TMI) I was having an intimate moment with my partner, it’s a long distance relationship (new relationship((known each other for about 6-7 months now)) so it was an over the phone moment. (FaceTime). I’ve had issues in the past because of sexual trauma, where immediately after sex/intimate moments i get sent into a huge derealization/panic attack due to feeling vulnerable. Now at this point, i haven’t had sex in about 4 years, and any time prior, it always ended in panic attacks. Me being vulnerable over the phone is not entirely new, but the level of vulnerability in the sense of allowing myself to fully enjoy it, that was new. I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t talk, I was crying, I was fighting with a blanket trying to cover myself all while my partner was trying to console me. I wasn’t really fully there and before this moment, any show of mania, dissociation, stuff like that, it went unnoticed. During this panic attack, I was absolutely in distress at one moment, and all of the sudden, I felt a shift. I didn’t really understand it when it happened but all of the sudden I stopped crying, the pain was still there but it wasn’t present, it felt deeper inside. It felt very different; I felt very different. All I could think and feel in that moment was this protectiveness and thought process of “I need to clean up everything before she comes back.” Now at the time I wasn’t thinking she, but I knew it was before something. Before a feeling came back was more how it resonated at the time before I could understand it better. Anyways, my whole persona shifted and I went into clean up mode and I was very confused. I felt “her” crying inside. My partner works in mental health, so he danced around delicately as I asked him questions about what he thought was going on so I could get a better picture of what I’m going through since everything felt so blinded. At one point, I just asked him. “Do you think I’m manic?” Which was the only question he responded to confidently. “Yes”. At that point, like this may seem so over exaggerated but it seriously felt like the curtains on my whole life, everything, had been pulled back and I could see myself and my actions for what they were. I saw every manic moment as mania rather than just the original gaslighting myself for my very real and terrifying experiences. After that, I was aware of me being manic for the first time and I haven’t felt such fear in a long time. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever felt fear like that before but like the level of intensity was very hard to deal with. I was terrified. I was finally seeing my hyper vigilance as hyper vigilance. I was seeing the symptoms clearly, my excessive sweating, my depleted eating habits, my sleep schedule insanely messed up. Which all before this, just seemed like “my life”. I started doing research, and I ended up needing to write something down. I can’t remember what it was but I will find it and add it.
“I’ve been doing a lot of research and thinking a lot, there’s been a lot of confusion with my identity or identities. I also need to preface that my entire life whenever I expressed how I felt, I was instead told what to do and how to feel. I know this is going to sound concerning, and people will be quick to dismiss it in an attempt to be supportive. But please just allow it to be what it is. Growing up I was always in great distress, constantly. My head was absolutely filled to the brim with worried and fears and as the years went on it only got worse. I’m highschool I transitioned into Blake; I thought it “felt” like me, but after research and certain situations/symptoms since delving back into that, I realized this was a traumatic disorder, even though I don’t know which one. Blakes feelings were 100% valid, but that’s because they were Blakes. What caused the de-transition was this. Beginning of highschool I was in crisis and distress, my brain created another personality to keep lily safe and keep her locked away. Since then I haven’t seen her, none of us have. Once Blake started receiving micro-aggressions and transphobia we went into even more distress. In 2017 my brain was absolutely stressed out from everything during the drug era and how much trauma and how burdened my mind was, I split again. My brain created Bella. Fast forward to now, Bella was breaking, and Blake had already been poking his head out, he’s been seeing the distress she’s been in and came back to take over. I never thought I was capable of having something like this l, but please bear with me as I explain how I came to this realization. This may be TMI but my partner and I were having an intimate moment and instantly afterwards I had the worst panic attack, something I’ve been trying to protect myself from for years. As I’m writing this down I’m starting to realize that those panic attacks after sexual situations are probably lily, but still valid as panic attacks. I have a lump in my throat while writing this, I promise I am not making it up or exaggerating. During the panic attack my partner was trying to console me but I completely switched in that moment to Blake and all he could feel was sorrow and was trying to give her a break. Blake came out to keep her safe. all I could do was clean up and prepare for when she came back so she wasn’t triggered, I don’t know what this is and gender fluid still feels valid and right, but in that moment of switching genders, I realized I am not switching genders, I am switching personalities. One personality could not carry the burden of it all. I am not concerned about this though, I feel with the very realization I am understanding myself better as a while.”
I was very manic when writing this. I believe I mainly wrote it for my parents. I was fearful of being dismissed.
My cousin had joined the call since I was spiraling and the both of them worked really hard to try and get me to stop writing and go to bed, which was really hard for me because I was super hyper vigilant in the moment and when it comes to my independence, I was told I have to deal with everything myself and I can’t rely on people so sometimes listening to help can be hard, accepting that help can be hard. I ended up being able to put stuff down and go to bed, more because I didn’t want to make things more difficult for them but I also could partly recognize that my actions were not helping the state I was in.
Ever since this moment it’s been realization after realization. This is so far what resonates.
I believe I have 3, possibly 4 alters. One I will name lily, she is who I originally was. Main host I guess? But doesn’t feel like it anymore. What I think happened, is that I’ve been exposed to countless amounts of different forms of abuse. When I was 12, is when I believe I split for the first time. I’ve been looking back at photos to see my mannerisms, expressions, I’ve also been expressing alter emotions through art which was another realization I had a month or two ago. This realization came from looking back at my art, and at one piece I had made just before the main breakdown/realization. It was of a face, and my art has mainly been faces. This one I remember making, I was so frustrated; and I remember looking at it and being like, why am I so frustrated, this doesn’t reflect how I feel at all. Since the realization, my cousin had pointed out that it kind of resembled a sense of splitting, which then resonated deeply. It was like I saw my painting clearly, and then I looked at all my art and was like, oh my god. My alters have been here this whole god damn time. The painting I am talking about; is the one attached to this post.
When I was a child, I hated art with a passion. I remember never picking up a pencil crayon or anything because I just didn’t like it. I wasnt good at it, I had no intention of doing art. When I was 12/13 is when I actually started doing art. I remember I did a bridesmaids dress and was like, cool. Didn’t hate it, (yes I know that this is how most artists start) but then it was just eyes. I only drew eyes, eyes and faces. Faces with third eyes, faces with hardened expressions. Now I have said countless times to my family and friends when they ask about my art, that when I paint or draw, it doesn’t feel like it’s me doing it. I once chalked it up to, artists ghosts were using me to express their art. That thought came during a particularly distressing year that when I look back I was def manic. I lost 100 lbs in like a month-a month and a half, could not eat, could barely leave my bed, was not doing well at all. This was 2019 I believe. I looked through all my art recently and during a sketchbook in 2019, during a really hard time, I had wrote down the wrong year when signing my art. Twice. The year I wrote was 2012, when I was 11/12.(2000 baby). Which then led me to look back on my life and look at photos around 2012 which had me thinking it was 1 of 2 things. 2012 was the year I split for the first time, or it was the year something really traumatic happened. I think it was the first one though. Reason being, yeah everything had started changing when I was 12. I mean I was always changing prior, my life has been very tumultuous. An undiagnosed autistic afab kid who had a very manipulative narcissistic father, and a very sweet mother, surrounded by a huge family of cousins who were like siblings. My mom divorced my dad after lots of abuse, he emotionally manipulated me into always feeling sorry for men when they show emotion and I developed Stockholm syndrome towards him which had me defending his every actions, including when he was a drug dealer, and sold enough drugs to an 18 year old to have her overdose, or the child pornography on his computer, or anything really because I was a child and he was my dad he manipulated me at a very young age. My mom married again a year or two after, which prompted her to need to get away from the abuse of my bio dad, and the abuse of religion we had been pushed upon us since birth. Pentecostal. We moved across country, and suddenly she became very emotionally distant as we now had moved away from my entire family, and had a new man in our life who was stable in every aspect besides the emotional unavailability. He tried, they both did. But they were dealing with traumas. He had just gotten back from Afghanistan. We moved because he was stationed somewhere else in the country. I ended up developing a binge eating disorder, had a lot of other intense traumas in between, did not know how to cope. When I was 10, my parents put me in therapy, my sister and I both. To deal with my bio dad trauma. I’ve been in therapy ever since. I’m 23 now.
I realize I am getting off track but I’m tryna lay everything out and not forget anything.
When I was 12/13, a lot had happened with my bio dad and a restraining order was put in place. He also had a kid with another woman and she(my sister) had passed away, a lot had happened on top of many other traumas, and I think lily broke. She didn’t really wanna be present anymore but we had no idea what was happening, but I felt myself changing. I started combating this with hyper-femininity, because who had split was me, who is currently hosting, Blake. (Also I know I use I/me as a whole sometimes, still tryna understand that. The only thing that resonates with what I mean when I say I is higher self. Not in a spiritual sense but like a higher version or a whole version? I don’t know)
Had no idea wtf was happening. All I knew was I started having dysphoria that I didn’t understand was dysphoria, so I combated it with hyperfeminity. Extra make up; always dressing up extra “girly” trying to act “girlier” or more feminine. Until I turned 14/15, and I ended up coming to terms with the fact that I was not who I thought I was, so I started changing to align with who I was. I came out as a trans man, and started the process of transitioning. Cue micro-aggressions, internalized transphobia, as well as a shit ton of transphobia from my family back home which caused me to panic. I ended up becoming really suicidal and made the decision to go hang out with a friend who was hanging with friends I had never met before, which triggered my next traumatic event. I ended up hanging with the wrong people, went down a drug path, was exposed to some very difficult and dangerous moments, felt a feeling of distress I have never felt nor would ever wish upon my worst enemy. I put it on myself as well, to help the friend I went in there with, get off a coke addiction. He went into psychosis and became violent at one point so I had to tell his mom everything and she sent him to rehab which worked but didn’t. He OD’d one night(survived) it was bad. I only ever went as far as psychedelics. But acid was my drug of choice. I was so done with everyone and everything that I just spent like 2-3 months straight, every day, tripping. I was 16 at the time. I also was exposed to the father of the household who had a weird thing for me, he tried sneaking into my bedroom one night when my bf wasn’t home (I ended up moving in with my at the time bf) but I was awake so he left real quick but it terrified me. All of this was such intense distress and I believe around this time was the second split, because it felt like for the entirety of me in that traumatic era, it was Blake and Bella fighting to host and take over. Bella was the host for the past 6 years. She took over around 2017, after like a year of fighting. I(Blake) tend to self destruct, even though I’m overprotective, trying to accept this about myself at the time was impossible because I was dealing with so much anger that was affecting the rest of the system. I also was done. Idk if alters “go to sleep” but Blake went away for a while. But what I’ve come to realize is I don’t think they’re ever went away, like lily has always been here, and I realized that the night of the intimate moment, because me having that panic attack after the intimate moment, and every panic attack prior, I believe that it’s lily. I haven’t touched that too much though because she is so to herself and shy and never comes out and she’s just traumatized, plus the amount of anger coming from Blake, and the amount of sadness coming from Bella, it’s all very overwhelming. But I do think it’s her, I don’t think she understands what’s happening but she like pokes her head out during it because maybe it’s so to with the sexual trauma we went through as a kid? I know something happened to me as a kid but I don’t know what. But I’m not ready for that yet, the anger is a more pressing issue.
Bella is very maternal, she took over and spent the past 6 years working her ass off to develop the coping mechanisms we need, and creating a safe space in our mind. The manic moments have been cushioned without us even knowing it’s manic moments; all she knew was we’re in distress so she found what helped best and worked real hard to keep us afloat. She got us out of the drugs, out of the abuse, out of the toxic relationship, out of anything that did not serve us. But not without giving up too much of herself and being beaten down. Like I know we’ve all gone through it but she took hit after hit after hit and everyone just used her as a projection batting cage. Within the past few months has been her stepping down. 5 months is us fighting, because she doesn’t want to, but she needs to, because she needs a break. And I need a break from the break. I need to deal with my anger and learn to live this world as a man. It’s been really hard to deal with, because I’ve cut off our hair which was a lot for Bella, and I’m trying to give her grace because it’s a huge change for everyone; but I’m so eager to be out. To my friends and family I’ve come out as gender fluid, a safe way for us to just be, even though gender fluid is still accurate to us, but me(Blake) I want to be on T, I want top surgery; the dysphoria has been very intense but I am not making any decisions while untreated in whatever this is. Bella doesn’t want any of that, but a hypothetical compromise that we’ve been thinking about is a breast reduction to start, to ease the mind.
Now when I look back at the past 11-12 years, I see all three of them out and about disguised as each other without realizing. There’s this one song I remember listening to on repeat non stop and idk why it just felt right it sounded right I loved it I needed to listen to it. Now, go listen to Satellites by Sleeping with sirens, think about alters waking up/trying to be known or whatever, like Jesus fuck it’s so obvious to me everything just makes sense (ik that sounds like a stretch but there’s more in my head that relates to that feeling I just can’t put it into words)
I’ve also been dealing with breaking down the walls of expectations. I have never allowed myself to be upset or have quarrels due to feeling like an inconvenience, I believe this has a lot to do with it as well.
Oh and the 4th potential alter is either someone just chillin in the background observing, or the “higher self” version of myself I was talking about. I really can’t tell.
I know there’s so much more I didn’t add but I’m deffo not doing the best rn so my brain can’t remember everything. Anyways, I’m not looking for a diagnosis obviously, but I just wanna hear what it sounds like. Because it feels like a personality disorder of some sort even tho idk wtf that’s supposed to feel like lol, so does it sound like one? I guess is what I’m really asking. Anyways, thanks for reading. Regardless of a response it is nice to get this off my chest aha. It also might be all over the place if so I apologize I think I’m currently manic? Yes I have been talking with my therapist about this, she’s not specialized in this stuff so she can only help so much, I’ve been tryna push my doctor to get me a psych referral to which he says there’s no psychiatrist in my area that are really taking any clients rn. He also sat there and told me I wasn’t dealing with mania and started listening of symptoms that I deal with that he had yet to even ask me about. I was already heated going in there because I knew I was going to have to fight for what I needed. Well the funny part is, the psychiatrist I went in there wanting a referral to; that I thought my therapist recommended me, was not an actual recommendation of a psychiatrist, but of a book of resources for me to look at, but I was manic and not there and I was literally so bent on needing help and needing a psych referral that my brain heard the authors name and was like “okay time to go to the doctor”. And then I had to admit to the doctors receptionist that I was indeed manic when I came in and that i didn’t know what I was talking about which was embarrassing and then I actually heard concern in her voice, rather than dismissal, which should’ve been comforting, but it just pissed me off lol. Anyways, sorry I’m done now lol 😂

I struggle with where I am in life, and want some opinions about it. Am I doing okay for myself?
I'm 21F. For context, I grew up in emotionally abusive single parent home, and have C-PTSD/depression. Which makes working a 'real job' challenging. I was kicked from the home at 18 years old, right as I finished highschool and tradeschool since I was dual enrolled.
Worked in my trade for a year, but the job made me cry every day so I quit that. (19). Then became a security guard, and for the last 2 years I've been paid to sit around and do very little. But I get paid well enough, think 20$~/hr.
[Sidenote: I tried to go to college, but my mom refused to do her taxes and held up the fafsa process so I couldn't afford it and feel too scared to try again before I'm the age of not needing my mom to be involved.]
I actually really like my job, because its unstressful. but everyone in my life says I'm pathetic, wasting my potential, seem disappointed in me not doing 'better for myself' Yet I pay all my bills on time (and independantly), have an apartment, car, no debt, even a Roth IRA.
I draw, play games, write at work, I feel like I'm doing the best I can in my situation. Trying to heal my mental illness, by taking it slow and easy.
Admittedly I do feel a little stuck in life, like I'm floating about aimlessly.
but I'm unsure what to do about it because I feel as if I don't even have a solid personality / sense of self, and need a lot of healing. And any job I could get without a college degree that paid as much or more, would mentally destroy me.
Any advice is greatly appriciated, even if it's critical.
Signing off, Ambrosiamince

i applied for disability in July of 2022 (i have autism and also something physically wrong with my knee but my doctor hasn't figured out what it actually is yet.)
after over a year of going back and forth with the stupid disability place and them sending me packets upon packets or the stupidest questions and me filling them out and sending it back and phone calls and a meeting with a psychiatrist and all kinds of jumping through hoops, they denied it. my autism was diagnosed when i was a toddler and they told me i most likely won't get disability without an updated diagnosis, like they think autism is just something i can outgrow or something.
well, the whole time I've been dealing with them I've also been trying to get refered somewhere to get an updated autism diagnosis but it's very hard to find someone who will diagnose adults, is close enough for me to actually go to (because diagnoses like that usually take multiple appointments), takes my insurance, and doesn't have a 2+ year waiting list. my doctor found me one single place that actually met the criteria (it still had like a 3 year waiting list but beggers cant be choosers) and sent a referral for me but they just never got back to my doctor or me because I also called and asked about it. I've also been doing blood work and x rays and physical therapy and trying really hard to figure out what's wrong with my knee but nothing has come up yet so I'm still just suffering with that.
Well, i appealed the disability thing, they sent it to a judge cause that was the next step, i had a hearing with a judge and a job expert and the judge asked me why i felt like i couldn't work and i literally had a breakdown and cried and told him how i had one job before and it was a super basic job at goodwill working in the back sorting books and not dealing with the public but I still couldn't handle it. I explained how working that job made my knee swell up and be in near constant pain and how the job (working barely 10 hours a week) made me so exhausted that I literally couldn't function outside of work. I would go to work, come home, sleep until my next shift and repeat. I felt like a zombie. The only time I would function was the weekends (barely) and all of that energy and time would be spent on meal prepping for the week so I wouldn't starve because I knew I wouldn't have the energy to make food, and I would do the dishes that piled up all week and sometimes if I had enough energy I would even shower on the weekends. I was so depressed and exhausted and not functioning outside of work at all and one day I woke up at 6 am to my alarm for work and i decided I was either going to quit my job or I was going to off myself and i had the self awareness to quit my job instead of trying to delete myself. and i had such a big meltdown and told all of this to the judge and more. and then i had to sit there, still crying and trying to collect myself while the judge talked with the fricken job expert about how many 'low effort, readily available jobs' HYPOTHETICALLY could exist in my town (this was all based on some bullshit guestimating math equation instead of realistic research into the topic) and then he had the audacity to tell me he "wasn't sure" and "needed time to think about it" just to take 3 fricken months to send me a letter denying my case again because, according to their stupid bullshit, i participated in "substantial gainful activity" (the one job i worked for 3 months and quit so I wouldn't commit unalive) therefore i "can't be disabled."
and it just felt like a spit in the face. like this man really listened to me have a mental breakdown about how the easiest job i could find, working 2-3 hours a day 3 days a week, made me so depressed and nonfunctionial that i was about one more shift away from taking myself off this planet and how my knee hurt so bad i literally just wanted to cut my leg off right above it if it would make the pain stop, and about my autism and how i don't feel like a human i just feel like i was shoved into a human suit and thrown on my ass like 'good luck, figure it out.' and he really listened to all that and still decided that 'im not disabled.' and 'theres plenty of jobs I can do, I just have to find one.' like I'm so stressed and depressed and worried about money constantly that I barely have the capacity to take on anything else, let alone another job that's gonna make me wanna blow my brains out again. I got the letter today and I've cried like 3 times about it because it really feels like I'm already down on the ground and he just decided to kick me with spikey steel toed boots.
I have one more appeal left, where it goes to a disability council (whatever that means) and their options are 1. deny it (most likely to happen) 2. send it back to the judge to 'look at it again' (basically guaranteed for it to get denied) 3. approve it (very very highly unlikely) or 4. throw it out (why is that even an option? That's so stupid) so its like an 80%+ chance of it getting denied from here, and if it gets denied at this point then i have to start all over and the last two years of waiting and hoops and paperwork and crying and pain and feeling like a puppet on display trying to "prove I'm disabled" will just mean literally nothing. And that's a really depressing thing to think about, that the last 2 years of my time and effort and humiliation were basically for nothing.
Besides that, if it gets denied again and I have to start all over, and there's no point in even doing that unless i can get new 'evidence' (like an updated autism diagnosis, which I can't because the one place thats close enough, takes my insurance, and actually tests adults, has a 2+ year waiting list and also won't fricken get back to me about even getting me on that stupid waiting list) and even if I do get an updated diagnosis, they can still deny me disability. I hate this so much.
I feel like a giant brick wall has fallen on top of me. I'm so exhausted mentally and I'm so stressed and I'm so tired of worrying about money and not being able to buy things i need and just barely surviving and I'm just so exhausted of it all. i live with my boyfriend and he has disability and it all goes to the bills and stuff so we have water and power and things, but most times we don't have cleaning supplies or toilet paper or things like that because we don't have the money for it. we only have food because we have foodstamps. I've had my whole wardrobe since highschool and I'm down to 2 pairs of shorts and 3 pairs of leggings because they all rip at the thighs after a while and I'm running out but I don't have money for clothes, y'know? And my boyfriends mom owns the house we live in (she bought it so he wouldn't have to worry about rent and stuff, but then told him he has to pay her back rent for all the years he's been here when he has the money) and she recently told me that when/if i get on disability she expects back rent from me all the way from 2021, which would be like $20,000 at this point and that number just keeps building and it feels like a giant tower looming over me. I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm just barely surviving. And i know there are people out there that have bigger worries then running out of toothpaste and shampoo and not being able to afford more, but like. It's still very real worries I have and I just feel like garbage about it and I'm constantly worried about money and it's just so exhausting.
And to have someone look at me and disect my situation and basically tell me that I'm "not disabled" and basically that I dont deserve money that would help me possibly survive is like a punch in the gut. It hurts, a lot. And I'm so exhausted and upset and frustrated and i really don't know what to do anymore, about any of this stuff.

M/18 suffer from depression and anxiety
I'm about to be a HighSchool Grad but something feels wrong like I wasn't suppose to or I was suppose to be gone alone time ago I feel like my life is meaningless there nothing more for me to do I feel like I'm empty shell of what I used to be but now I feel empty maybe because 2 of my friend's end there life or maybe because my mom says I should've done better with my life but it just feel maybe the problem was me all long and I just don't know what to do anymore its like I don't know what to do it feels like I just wasn't men't to go this far in life I just feel like ending something will help but I'm scared of what I'll become.

hiiiii so i (20f) and my boyfriend (23m) have been together for 2 months today actually, but we started talking in early february. we met on tinder, we went to neighboring schools and he was willing to make the 50 min drive to go on dates with me, and the rest is history.
when i tell you i’ve found my person… holy shit. like i genuinely think this is my soulmate. even after the first, second date i was infatuated. i knew he really liked me too, because fun fact, he actually reached out to me on bumble in september of last year but i had deleted that app because i couldn’t stand it 😭 and then a handful of months later he saw me on tinder and shooted his shot again!
even though i am the younger one, from highschool into my first year of college i was in a year and 1/2 long relationship that i thought was endgame. looking back he sucked so bad. but my bf has only been in a relationship for i think 9 months? is the longest he’s done? and i don’t doubt that he is ready for something long term, we’ve talked about it before. he said early on (before we even started dating) and then just recently that he is really happy and sees us being long term. he told me his last relationship was only 4 months and they never said i love you, but he said i love you to me a little after a month. and he told me that he doesn’t use that word lightly because he’s been hurt before.
my thing is, we’ve been together for 2 months, talking for 3-4, and i see a future with this man. i see myself marrying this man. i see myself having kids with this man. GENUINELY. this is unlike any feeling i had with my long term ex. i thought i knew love but i was wrong. not to mention the sex is fantastic!!! i don’t know if it’s me feeling like an adult and wanting to settle down because the dating pool is horrible, or if our future really is gonna be that bright.
obviously i haven’t told him any of this tho. he is moving 3 1/2 hours away in july to start his adult life, and he asked me if i would be open to moving to ohio for him (im in pa) after i finish school, and i obviously said yes. he’s not the best at showing affection but he has definitely got better and makes me feel like the most important girl in the world when he does. im just afraid im going to scare him away by falling too fast, because i tend to do that.
i dont know. i think about him constantly, i will miss him hours after leaving his house, and i will just stare lovingly at my lockscreen of us at times. i daydream about our future a lot. but its only been 2 months. but it feels like ive known him for so much longer it’s insane. he’s met most of my family, and ive met a good chunk of his. my family loves him and even my mom told me “i dont know, this guy feels different. you guys click so well and i feel like he might be the one.” which is just fueling my delusions but we love to hear it haha.
how do i chill the fuck out and stop thinking about him constantly?? because it is annoying at times and i wonder if he even thinks about me at all. we might still be in the honeymoon phase but with him i feel like the honeymoon phase is gonna be forever… :) thanks for reading my rant teehee

I really don’t know how to begin all of this. This entire thing might just be messy but stick with me.
I (24) went through a lot of weird behaviors from my (ex) step dad that I think I continue to gaslight myself about. My mom met this man when I was in the middle of highschool. When we first started getting to know him he was super cool and was a really caring guy. Fast forward like a year later he ended up moving into the house that my mom, myself and my sister lived in. The best way that I can explain his true colors was that he was a grade A narcissist. Absolutely full of himself. He loved being the center of attention at all times. He would say some REALLY edgy and concerning beliefs and me, being a highschooler “black sheep” of the family of course I would have to say something.
Fast forward to the first really weird thing that happened. There was a time where he was in the hospital for a few days. When he was able to come back home he was absolutely fucked up on pills. There was a night that he texted me and said some really weird inappropriate things but in the same message would refer to me as my mothers name. The next day he told my mother and said something along the lines of “I almost sent her nude photos, I was so messed up on pills” . My mom and him completely brushed it off.
As fucked up as that sounds, this is the one situation that haunts me to this day. It was Halloween 2017 and me, my step dad and my mom had a little bonfire on our driveway and handed out candy. They ended up getting a little drunk and they mentioned how they had to stop by his old apartment (he was in the process of moving in still). They were both drunk and I offered to drive them there. While on the way back home from the apartment I was driving and we were blasting music really loudly. He was sitting in the front seat while my mom was in the back. At one point I noticed his arm was reaching the back of the car towards my mom. I thought that maybe he was holding her hand, but then I started hearing sounds of my mom being fingered. And I could see her face in the rear view mirror as well so I knew exactly what was happening. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn’t say anything and I just kept driving and eventually got home and locked away in my room.
Since then it’s something that has stuck with me. I have been in therapy since I was 20 and it has been brought up a bunch. But it feels like no matter how much I process this I still mitigate everything. I don’t think I will ever confront my mom about it, I’m too scared too. A few months ago I brought up the inappropriate text messages he sent me and she said “I didn’t remember that” and a “why didn’t you tell me”. But I did tell her and showed her the messages.
I feel like with the car situation I have a hard time telling if that was sexual assault because I wasn’t physically harmed. And it makes me so upset with how much I have processed from the situation but I still carry a large weight of confusion, disgust and embarrassment.
If you read all of this thank you so much.

I never tell anyone about my autism. None of my friends or anyone in my social circle knows. I'm aware the majority of you guys are just like okay with it and tell everybody. I never tell anyone in my personal life about my autism, but people always end up knowing somethings off about me. I'm constantly masking as well, I'm kinda socially awkward but I never knew why. Growing up with autism was a struggle for me, I got bullied alot. My mom never told me because she didn't want me to feel different, when I finally found out it hit me hard, that was 5 years ago and I still feel sad, insecure and discontent. I still don't really feel like myself honestly. It's too bad I can't get better like when I have a cold, guess I just gotta bear through it. I guess it's not really as bad as it seems, I live a somewhat normal life. I had absolutely no self awareness or social cues until I was an upper-classman in highschool and after alot of bullying, scared women, and mushrooms, I'm finally self-aware of my socially awkwardness and my other symptoms and I can catch myself before I offput someone and watch what I say. I can't be the only one here who prefers not to say anything?

Warning now, this is kinda all over the place but I’m just really upset right now.
To start, I (25 female) and my partner (27 male), are set to get married. However, my stepmom has gave my dad an ultimatum that if he attends my wedding she will leave him.
There is some background history between me and her but we have since buried the hatchet if you will. We have talked it out and moved on, at least I had thought. This woman has physically and mentally attacked me while my father watched and didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t lay a hand back on her nor say anything back to her. I promise. I’m not a person full of hate. I’m a people pleaser unfortunately.
She thinks I’m always out to get her or “take my dad away from him”. When she came into the picture she thought me and my dad were oddly close. She raise her daughter without the dad in the picture. Me and my dad got close after him and mom divorced cause I was all he had left. We had always been close as I was always his little girl until she came around. It’s almost like she’s jealous of the bond me and my dad had that has now been broken because of her. She post about me on social media and it’s not nice stuff that even my friends and family have sent messages asking if she is making stuff up cause it’s so out of left field for my character. They all know what she says isn’t true and she wants everyone to feel guilty for her. Her Facebook friends degrade me and puts her on this platform. I have absolutely done nothing to provoke this and have never met her friends in person. They are attacking someone who they don’t even know.
Now back to the issue at hand, the wedding ultimatum. She is apparently mad I did not give them a personal invitation? I am not doing actual paper invites. I have made a website link and social media invites that got sent to EVERYONE. not just them. My mom and stepdad, aunts and uncles, grandparents all got the same invitation. They wasn’t mad about it at all. No one is mad about it but her. My father is not allowed to have a conversation with me about anything without her around. She controls every aspect of his life. Having a conversation with them is not really the easiest thing ever cause she just attacks me. I’m not a bad person. I swear on everything I have done everything in my power to keep the peace and be kind. I live on my own and am self sufficient. However my dad does have my important documents and papers in his safe at his house. Papers like my car titles and such. He also does have some of my stuff stored at his house like my highschool memorabilia, childhood books and pictures and baby clothes.
How do I navigate this situation? I really don’t wanna loose my dad but I don’t want to sacrifice myself for it. Do I let everything go and just wait for her follow through to see who my dad chooses? Either his wife (who gave him the ultimatum and ran everyone in the family off) or his daughter. Pls give responses asappppp I have to see them soon and I’m just utterly lost and devastated.

For context I have had dreams that have predicted my parents divorce and my best friend raising a baby that wasn't her own. (Yes I know how odd it sounds lol) Last night I had a dream that I was at my tiny highschool that was in a rural town. As I was about to leave I recognized Zak Bagans walking to the front office. I said hello and asked what he was doing in the tiny town and he said he was here to do an investigation. I asked if he wanted some help since I know the area and he said yes. There's a gym that's about 80 years old at the school so we started there. We found a tiny room that had a bunch of old crates and a small piano. Something felt off about the piano and I noticed that the bottom slid out a bit. I pulled on the drawer and there was a small baby that looked to be burned on a bed of hay and some herbs and candles surrounded it. I turned to look at Zak and said we needed to leave right then or something really bad was going to happen. So we left and went to another place he called "Ground Zero". It was a small clearing in the middle of the woods where people are known to get influenced by the spirits/demons there. A few minutes after we arrived he started to act different. It started to lightly snow and he went crazy. Screaming at me and spirits that were there. When he was able to gain control enough to get in the car after I was yelling at him for about 20 minutes to get in the car. I knew once we were far enough away the spirit couldn't affect him anymore. We left and on the way back to town he barely had anything to say due to his shock from the day.
Then in the dream right after I was driving back to the school to pick up my siblings (which I don't have in real life). I was telling my mom about the previous dream and we were both saying how crazy it was and how there must be something really important that my subconscious needs me to know/tell.
Ummm what??! Burned baby sacrifice? Experienced ghost hunters getting possessed and I'm the one to save them? Super important dream? Normally if I dream something and remember it something is important but the fact that I say it's important in one of my dreams is kinda making me feel like it's super important.
What's your thoughts?

I really had no idea where to ask this but I figured a subreddit who would already understand the auDHD struggles would be a good start.
I'm just going to jump into this I guess? I have a hard time organizing my thoughts and I don't want this to be a super long post (it's going to be tho). I am at the end of my rope here and I don't know how to get help at this point.
Background info:

• I'm about to turn 27.
• I have autism (dx about 10 years ago now), I suspect co-morbid ADHD but haven't gotten assessed.
• I have CPTSD, and have had a lot of trauma.
• I live at home, and I'm still in the environment that traumatized me, and continue to be in a really tough spot with my family, who are extremely toxic, and struggling with their own mental health. They are not generally supportive and I can't lean on them for help. I have a step dad with (diagnosed) NPD, and I can't even explain my mom. It's daily fighting and screaming and threats of them breaking up (they're married) and us having to get rid of all of our things and pets. My step-dad is a real estate agent and was well off prior to coming into our lives but he's now in severe debt and the market is bad right now. When I tell you his bills are more than 15k a month I'm not exaggerating.
• I'm not new to the healing rodeo, and I've been through ~4 therapists. One was long term for about a year and a half. She was helpful but was new to her job and couldn't help me anymore at the point we parted ways.
• I am interested in starting somatic therapy/EMDR, and maybe DBT, but once again - lots of barriers to access.
• I've been on lots of medications, I am currently transitioning from Effexor (god awful) to Wellbutrin (jury's still out but I'm hella anxious atm as a side effect and can't sleep)
• I've been on a healing journey for 6 years now and I've done a lot of reading (books and online), practice mindfulness and meditation (on and off), understand the good effects of things like exercise and journaling. I just have no mental energy. I can never stick to anything, and I struggle to keep up with literally anything I need to do. My family thinks I'm defiant and lazy, and will not hear me out about who I am and why I'm like this.

I live at home, but home isn't a safe place. I need to move out, but I have no money, and I desperately need more. I have 3 jobs (two serving jobs, one WFH contract) but I'm barely making enough to live on right now, let alone save money. I am eternally exhausted (burnout? chronic fatigue? no idea), which makes it harder for me to work more. I have some other barriers to moving out as well that aren't financial.
My mental health is extremely poor, I was suicidal recently (okay at the moment). I have a family doctor but she is hard to access, and hasn't been much help anyways. Accessing another doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, anything, has been hard because of Ontario's increasingly shitty healthcare system and for money reasons. Between the CPTSD, and the autism it's hard to find the proper kind of help (basically, free or reduced-rate stuff usually aren't equipped to help me). Good luck getting a referral.
I'm in a spot where I just don't know what to do? I must have ruminated for thousands of hours over the years to figure out how I can get my life in order and I just.. I have no idea what to do. I need outside help but I can't afford it, and I can't work more because my brain is absolutely fried.
I have no degree. I'm an artist, I have a decent following on IG (nearing 40k now) and I wanted to be a tattoo artist for a long time. I have a ton of artists that I looked up to who are my buds now, but none are close (like different countries, or provinces). Getting into tattooing is tough, and it requires a lot of brain power to constantly draw flash designs, etc. I will ALWAYS be an artist, but drawing requires mental energy I do not have anymore. Like I genuinely feel like Kiki in Kiki's Delivery Service, when she lost her ability to fly. I cannot do it anymore. I do loose sketches every so often but that's it rn. I'm on a hiatus with my account at the moment, and I make some passive income from RedBubble sticker sales (~50-100 a month).
I love serving funnily enough, but god damn it burns me out, as you can all imagine. Right now I can barely handle working 3-4 days a week, and my shifts are short (like 2-4 hours). In Canada we make minimum wage AND tips, but the economy is bad and it's been so slow lately. I get called off often. In the past two weeks I've worked like 10 hours. Nowhere is hiring right now and it's just hard to get jobs in general. I recently took 2 MONTHS off work because I was legit delulu and feeling crazy and could not handle anything, and I rested plenty. No bueno still. My paychecks are pitiful and usually less than $100 lately. And like.. I bought a wrap today. It's my only meal of the day.. It cost almost $20. This is standard here. Even McDonald's would cost a family of four like $60 for a dinner. It's nuts.
My WFH job is a lifesaver (I train AI) but I cannot focus on it for more than 1-2 hours a day. It pays 20-24usd/h which is more like 27-30cad. I work when I want however much I want, but I have to be careful about completing tasks correctly or else I could risk losing the job (they have thousands of workers and I could get booted at any time with no warning). It is mentally taxing. I wish I could work 3-4h a day on it because I'd help out so much, but I physically feel unable.
None of my jobs have insurance for me.
My parents currently don't charge me rent, but I have $300 car insurance, and gas, and food. I struggle to grocery shop (the inflation in Canada is insane right now too) and so I eat out, but legitimately I eat once a day, which isn't healthy. I get cheap stuff, or eat at work. The adjustment period to the Wellbutrin rn makes me very not hungry as well. I have no debt anymore thankfully.
Rent here is ridiculous, and almost ALL of my friends live at home. My old best friend is a nurse and still lives with her mom. Same with another friend who is a highschool teacher. Basement apartment's are getting up to 2K a month. I don't even make enough money to rent with friends.
I HAD almost 10k saved up during covid but I had a year where I couldn't collect EI anymore and my family wouldn't let me work because I couldn't drive yet, so I drained all of it surviving for a year and paying bills.
I live up in an area in the countryside, and all my friends are ~1h or more away. My depression got so bad this year that I did isolate myself, and as a result I lost quite a few friends (longer story, don't want to write too much). I do have some close friends, but they cannot help me other than loving me.
My family is abusive and currently ignoring my entire existence, and I am lonely. All of the mental health struggles and the loneliness and the medications are making me feel so crazy, and I don't feel like I have any solid ground to walk on. I feel delusional half of the time, and I almost feel like I'm permanently dissociated, and depersonalized.
I also have 7 pet rabbits (long story again..) and I have like a thousand worries in regards to them, financially and moving out wise. Rehoming isn't an option (can elaborate if ya'll want). They are my babies. I have so much anxiety about any vet bills.
I see no way out of this. I'm so scared honestly - I can barely take care of myself, barely take care of my pets. I can barely work. My car's transmission went and so I drive my parent's "extra" smart car right now. They control when I use it and get upset if I drive too much. I'm surrounded by a family who is so chaotic and toxic and abusive, and relying on them is torture and brings me so much guilt. They hold it over my head. No matter how I communicate with them they do not hear me. I'm their scapegoat/black sheep. And yet they insist on (angrily) buying me a replacement car (used, obvi) and the guilt I feel is immense.
Like, does anyone have suggestions? What do I even do? The suicidal thoughts are essentially creeping up on me every so often because I'm suffering and I see no way out of this. I am of course wanting to get better and live my life, but it's all pain. It's been pain for years and years. I'm tired and broke and alone.
I know most of you can't help much. I just need a path forward. I wish I had a life coach that could walk me through the steps of accessing help, it's so hard on my own and I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I know and understand all of the therapies, techniques, mindsets, tricks, etc that would be healing but every single one has some kind of barrier, mostly financial, or my physical/mental state.

I’ve been out of the closet as a lesbian for about 3 and half years now. I came out my senior year of highschool and I never had that much experience with dating. In fact I never dated anyone growing up. I didn’t start dating until my freshman year, so I’m somewhat new to dating as well. Recently, I’ve met a really sweet girl and she hasn’t been out for that long and has only had relationships with men. I didn’t really see this as a problem until I told my mom I really connected with her. My mom told me to be careful because she could still be figuring herself out. I previously only dated older women because of this reason (I’m 20F the oldest I’ve dated was a 37F) but I realized that some women are very creepy and me and this girl really enjoy each other. I’m just worried that I’m if things get physical she might not like me due to the fact she’s never been with a woman before. Also, the way she talks about men is VER negative. Which I understand ALOT of men are just weird but I don’t think the entire male species is bad. I just don’t want to fall for a potential a straight woman… Again 😂

As the title implies, this is the first in a series of stories about affairs I had in the military. I've never been married, not really interested in being married, but I have been with four married men in my life. In each case, I knew what I was doing, but I loved the rush of doing something I shouldn't as much as I liked the relationship itself. I'll save you all the negative comments. I was the homewrecking whore, etc, etc. If that's what you're here to comment about, save your breath, I'll just block you so people who want to actually read my content don't have to deal with you. If this is your sort of story, I'd love to hear your feedback on content or how I can improve my writing! One quick author's note, i will not be using people's real names or naming specific units that my stories happened in. I was never caught in my sexual affairs, no wives found out and left their husband over me, and no one's military career ended because of me and I intend to keep it that way. This is for fun writing, not doxing someone's past transgressions to the world. Also let me know if you want to see more stories! <3 Hannah
First, a little about me. I'm 5'5ish, 135ish depending on the day, and have dark brown hair that falls part way down my back with brown eyes. My mom is a Crow and my dad is Italian so the olive complexion genes are active in my family. I've got a fairly petite/athletic build with a 32B chest and a toned butt. My nipples are dark brown, on the smaller side, and I shave everywhere. I'm a fan of tattoos and have a feather on my foot, flower pieces on my right hip into my lower ribs, left shoulder, and lower back, a small script piece in my left side bra line, a green carebear in my left bikini line and a large dream catcher down my left ribs. If there's a detail I've left out, feel free to ask ;)
Without further ado, my story:
I was an 18 year old private, 92F (fuel handler) working on a base in the heart of Bourbon Country. It was a huge culture shock for me, coming from a small town in Maine to a massive military base with more people in my division than my home town. I honestly felt a little lost and overwhelmed, which probably contributed to why I sought out a relationship where I felt wanted. It's easy on a base like that to feel completely ignored. My unit had long been integrated and was about 30-40% female on any given day, so no I wasn't getting hit on constantly, and no I wasn't sleeping with every guy in my barracks.
Speaking of my living situation, I was in a 4-story building with all of the junior enlisted soldiers in my battalion. There wasn't open bays and there wasn't all girls areas. We roomed by company in our own room with a bedroom, closet, bathroom, and a fridge/sink/1 burner stove setup by the door as a kitchenett. Barracks could definitely be a wild time, similar to a college dorm but contrary to your favorite porno, gangbang orgies with 20 guys "running a train" are something I never saw or heard of in my 4 years living there and I was/am a fairly sexually active adult.
Given my situation of being totally new and massively out of my element in terms of culture shock, I quickly turned to Bumble to help sort out my dating scene because the base really was a city and everyone is pretty insular when it comes to their unit, so trying to meet guys who also aren't your coworkers means turning to the swipe game. After a few days online and connections with everyone from the local off base that definitely has fewer teeth than fingers to the obviously fake bot that just screams scam, and swiping left on some guys from my own company (hey, 18-25 year old demographic has the same needs, I get it), I finally matched with a 26 year old, Dustin, from another brigade on our post.
Given 10 seconds on Dustin's profile, I could tell he was an officer and anyone with 10 seconds to spare on my profile could tell I was junior enlisted, but we matched anyway. He was handsome in a gentle sort of way. Sandy brown hair in a military cut, athletic features that let you know he was fit without screaming chiseled gymrat, and a style that screamed more laid back homebody than the stereotypical "bro vet" vibe that you get with some young officers....and a ton of junior enlisted. I took a pause and decided to message him despite knowing our ranks didn't line up because the way I saw it, we were in totally seperate brigades and there'd be no reason we would ever interact or influence eachother at work.
A few minutes later I got a reply back and soon I was texting back and forth getting to know a genuinely sweet guy with a love of the outdoors, fishing, camping, and an eye for photography, particularly some truly astounding landscape photos. The conversation came easy and I found myself happy to have a guy so interested in me. Before I got completely swept off my feet, I brought up the elephant in the room and mentioned that I was an E2 and he was an O3. He dropped the bombshell that "yeah but I'm just a guy on staff, that's not a big issue, the real issue is I need to be discreet because I'm married. Please don't hate me"
Boom. Of course the super easy to talk to makes me feel wanted and moves past my mention of our rank differences drops the counter-bomb of he has a wife. In all of my 18 years I thought I would have run away instantly. Nope. Not me. I was intrigued. I didn't run away, and I came to find out that his wife was doing a year long internship with a major corporation out of state and only really came to visit on long weekends and holidays. So Dustin had turned to Bumble to fill a piece of his love life that was currently 4 states away. Not ideal I told myself, but at least she isn't like...here on post with him and he's not coming home because he's with someone else...right? To 18 year old me trying to convince myself it was okay to be with the guy I obviously was attracted to it was sound logic. It worked. I replied back that I was up for seeing what happened with the understanding that no one was gonna leave their wife over this and no one was gonna get anyone in trouble over the rank thing.
A week of texting back and forth after moving off Bumble found Dustin and I building a fast relationship that came with similar interests and easy conversation. He wasn't overly pushy about becoming anything romantic and wasn't like "Omg send nudes". I guess he was feeling this whole thing out as much as I was. Eventually I got the text one evening of "you know you look really good in that pic you have with your friends at the beach on your profile"...I know the one. I'm wearing an electric blue string sided bikini that has pretty full coverage, rides moderately low on my hips and has basic triangle cups and string ties for the top. Okay, Dustin likes me in a bikini...this is the first obvious flirting from Dustin and I decide to be a little bold and sent him a mirror selfie in the generic black bra I had worn under my uniform that day with my uniform pants still on. I get a reply back in some stereotypical guy lingo that he really likes what he sees. I told him that if he wanted to hang out, I wouldn't put my uniform shirt back on. Cue the FaceTime call, yes Dustin I will video chat with your handsome shirtless self while wearing a bra and my uniform pants thank you very much. We talked for at least an hour and things didn't turn super sexual or anything but we did agree we needed a date that weekend. The week ahead though definitely saw a spike in "tension" between us.
I was more than a little excited by the prospect of being with someone again. I had had a little fling during AIT, but since coming to my first duty station, I had been in a bit of a dry spell. Bumble had finally come through for me, and the combined rush of potentially being with a guy again, plus the fact he was one of those forbidden officers, and married? I was on edge. I definitely had my moments of "holy shit I shouldn't be doing this" but those feelings were replaced by a feeling of almost insatiable excitement that had me counting down the days to Saturday. For the first time since highschool, I found myself putting some serious effort into some scandalous but not too "revealing" snaps to Dustin, teasing him with a peak of which panties I wore to work today, or hoping in the shower after PT with just my black Army tshirt on and sending a pic of it clinging to every curve and hiding just enough below my waist. Like I said, hard-core tease mode for four whole days.
Flash forward to Saturday and I was in my barracks room, getting ready to meet a guy I was 100% falling for just a little and I decided that no matter what happened tonight, I was not gonna be the girl who gives it all up on the first date. Definitely set myself up to potentially cock block myself, but I saw it as I didn't want to be the girl he slept with and left, I wanted to continue to tease him and leave him wanting more. I wanted him to want me. I slipped into a pair of almost painted on skinny jeans with a cute teal thong underneath with a black tanktop and matching pushup bra on top. I drove to Dustin's house somewhere in the on base housing that I'd never been and took a deep breath before walking to the door.
This was it. I was the new Private about to go see a married officer behind his wife's back. I almost chickened out and drove away, but found myself ringing the doorbell and quickly being invited in, pulled into a warm hug and a "wow you look even cuter in person" from the handsome man of my DMs, Dustin. He had apparently spent the day smoking some brisket because he had quite the spread laid out for us in the dining room as I got a quick tour of the common spaces of his home. Definitely nicer than my barracks room.
Dinner accompanied the two of us loudly cheering on a random football game on TV, sorta snuggled on the couch but at a "almost together " sort of distance. There were all sorts of reasons for us to brush up against eachother and it was almost this cat and mouse game of how far do we go as the evening progressed. Don't get me wrong, there was a ton of conversation and it came just as naturally as it had online, but now we had the palpable tension of two of us who had never been this far deciding where the limit for tonight would be.
Eventually Dustin cut the tension, saying, "you really do love to tease don't you?". Yes. Let's talk about how I've driven you wild for days and now you want me. I leaned into him, kissed him quickly but firmly on the lips before pulling away, leaving an inch between us as I looked into his eyes and whispered "yes sir". I found my face immediately in his hands, my lips pressed to his and our tongues intertwined. I gasped as he suddenly held me close and we made every effort to close any space between us as we passionately made out, his fingers running through my hair, my nails scraping his back over his tight tshirt and soon I was hot, breathless, and sure I wanted more.
I pulled away and told him he didn't get all of me tonight but he could still have dessert. I had him sit up on the edge of the couch and pulled his shorts to the floor, tossing them aside towards an end table holding pictures of him and his wife and our dirty dishes from dinner. I in turn lifted my tanktop off over my head, unclasped my black pushup bra and let it fall to the floor, kneeling between Dustin's spread legs as my small brown nipples hardened into firm nubs in arousal. I pulled back my long brown hair and tied it in a messy ponytail before bringing my face down to his firm, six inches between his legs.
I teased the length of his shaft with the tip of my tongue, feeling him twitch in expectation as I repeatedly, softly traced his length before circling his tip and heading back down the way I came. I grasped his base and swallowed half his length in one wet mouthful, a gasp of pleasure escaping his lips as my own pushed further towards his base, attempting to take his entire firm cock before the tip slipped down into my throat, triggering a slight gag reflex as I tightened around his shaft and I came up for air, a slight trail of drool connecting my lips to his tip. I stroked his now well lubed cock in a twisting motion as I asked him if his little private was doing well for him. A hand on the back of my head guiding me back to his shaft told me this wasn't too far for him. I swallowed him nearly to his base, grasping him with one hand as my free hand unbuttoned my jeans and slipped into the front of my now soaked panties, the arousal of the situation I found myself bringing me close to an edge myself.
I worked Dustin's shaft with a bobbing head, sucking lips and twisting hand that matched the rhythm I was working against my clit with the hand buried in my jeans. I increased my pace, with Dustin's hand making sure I still brought myself far enough down his length as my own pleasure came more and more to the forefront as my now soaked vagina craved more attention. I popped off his cock as I felt it begin to swell and told him to stand up as I scooted back from the couch, kneeling between his legs, looking up at him as one hand held my jeans open while the other furiously rubbed my clit as I came close to cumming myself. I moaned for Dustin to cum for me as I looked up at him, the inner walls of my vagina clenching in orgasm as the filthy phrase left my lips and I was greeted with thick streams of cum shooting over my head before falling on my uplooking face and bare breasts and Dustin climaxed after an apparently decent dry spell.
I knelt between his legs, cum covering my face and chest, my own arousal soaking my panties and in that moment I felt like the hottest woman on earth. I made a man forget his entire world and do this with me in a home that wasn't mine but his. I was addicted to the rush. Dustin reached down and offered me a hand to pull me up. He led me topless to the guest bathroom where I cleaned up, washing my face and chest before walking back to the livingroom and redressing. Neither of us made mention of the line we had just crossed together, but we sat on the couch, now cuddled like a couple with the ice broken and finished the football game that had been forgotten awhile ago.
After the game we both agreed that I should probably get going, but we agreed to see eachother again and made a date for a midweek hangout. I kissed Dustin goodnight and drove back to my barracks in my still wet panties that I hadn't changed out of. I sent Dustin a snap in them, a wet spot still visible in the front with a caption "the things you do to me(; "...needless to say he was proud of himself. I went to bed dreaming of what could come from this, and truly happy to feel wanted, even if it was from a man who wasn't all mine.
Thank you all for reading this far. Again, like I said before, any rude comments will just get you a block. If that's what you need to do to feel good about yourself, so be it. For those of you who enjoyed this, please let me know if you'd like to read more! I'm always open to constructive feedback and critiques to improve my writing! Have a great evening! <3 Hannah

Ok! background on this piece I think wanted to get out of my shell and enter a speech contest/ oratory the theme inspired me to do a poetic speech, but there is the catch my mom doesn’t like it, at all and my family is trying to encourage me to change it. I kinda stung because I thought I couldn’t have been that bad, I know Im younger and less experienced so in search of other poetic writers I wanted constructive criticism on my piece as if you were a judge. I know you can judge on my voice but at least look at the theme and content of my poem for feedback! theme: We are our my ancestors wildest dreams
As my ancestors were taken into the vast sea of the unforeseen they had a dream; This dream was of me. They could imagine me and be at peace with my potential the possibilities that they could simply not achieve. For in our veins, their dreams unfold. But their hopes could be finally fleshed out and be told. So despite having the wrong tint in melanin they had a dream they could not see but only hope in that some day the lyrics in the hymns we shall be free would be truth not only in their words but reality. And doing so they could see the mountain top so high and sigh in relief as they could see me and the people ahead of me free in imagination that one day equality would simply just be. they thought about me and the people beside me just as melanated as me. So as I walk into the unforeseen I feel the presence of my ancestors . So as I stand here I am not a dream but simply the embodiment of the past never achieved, I am simply something they only had the hope to be. That makes me simply their wildest dream.
Sleep is the cousin of death but, dreams are kin to breathe so on I keep on breathing their last breaths. But in doing so I revive what's left of their ambition. Something so unruly and unkept that they had people to dilute their own missions And in doing this they created opposition but this would only be a hurdle in hindsight. So I think therefore I am the aspirations of man that came before me.

The title is a pretty good Tldr;, but for more context- he and my mom got divorced with split custody for my sister and i when i was no more than 2 years old, before my first memory, so as time went on i came to learn he cheated on my mom, and that one of the divorce agreement clauses were that he was supposed to save up a college fund for me and my older sister. my sister never went to college so it wasn’t a problem for her, but when i started considering whether or not i would go to college he never once alluded that it could be a problem financially. Little did i know there was absolutely 0 college fund.
I distinctly remember 2 separate conversations i had with him from 2018-2019 where he told me he would do the same thing for me that his parents did for him which was pay for all his college expenses so he could focus on studying and not worry about being held back in life. PURELY based on this i made the decision to go to college, because truthfully i didn’t need to go to college. i started 3D modeling in 2018, graduated highschool in 2020, started college in 2021 for game art, and graduated at the top of my class in 2023. I was debating for a whole year and a half whether or not i would go to college because i knew i was already on a decent track with my skills and saw going to college purely as an optional boost.
My first hint that something was wrong was when i got an email about a semester being unpaid half way through college and his attitude slowly started to change around tuition. Now after graduation hes told me once im financially stable I’ll be paying off the loans myself. This has lead to a huge demotivation to chase success but i still try to progress my 3D art career while living with my mom.
The last time i had a conversation with him about it was when he last took me out for dinner, it went something like: me: “hey i’ve got a potential opportunity that’ll guarantee a 70k salary minimum”. him: “that’s ok, not a ton but pretty good”. me: “what do you mean that’s way above the average salary today”. him: “well we should make a list of expenses you’ll have to be paying eventually, they add up pretty fast”. me: (knowing where the conversation is going) “okay sure, like what?”. him: “there’s a lot you know” me: “ok name a couple give me a partial breakdown”. him: (after trying to dodge the question further) “oh you know like insurance, student loans, mortgage”. me: (acting like we haven’t talked about it before) “well hold on what do you mean student loans? i thought you said you’d pay for my college expenses so i don’t have to worry about it?”. him: “i did, i paid for your apartment (no dorms campus), and groceries while you were down there”. me: “didn’t your parents pay for your loans?”. him: “we’re not talking about my loans here we’re talking about yours”. me: “right but i just distinctly remember you telling me you’d do the same for me that your parents did for you”. him: “i don’t know what you’re talking about you must’ve dreamed that” (ex-fucking-scuse me!?) me: ok hold on just a sec, i’m going to tell you what i remember from this conversation we had on 2 separate occasions and you can tell me if it’s true or not”. him: (after some back and forth) “ok sure”. me: “your parents paid for your college expenses”. him: “right”. me: “and your parents paid your student loans so you didnt have to worry about it”. (i can’t remember exactly what he said but he got defensive and dodged the question).
so i made sure to remember that and once he dropped me back off at my moms house i asked her if my dad’s parents paid for his student loans and she gave me an immediate definitive yes. Now if i had just dreamed those conversations which were incredibly pivotal in my life, how could i possibly know his financial situation in college? My mom then told me that she’s pretty sure he’s not doing well financially after buying a new building for his plastic surgery practice which was right around half way through my time at college.
VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL
back in 2018 at 16 years old i got my first job at a grocery store and was there for around 4-5 months. during that time he would be complaining about how they’re over working me and im not making enough for my time there. one day there was a college fair he wanted to take me to so i could explore my options (at this point i was pretty sure what college i would go to if i chose to go to one). the college fair was in the morning, ended at 1pm and i had a shift at my then job later that day around 4pm. he told me to call out of work so when i called they said they need me to come in its too short notice, i told him that and he had me call them back and got on the phone himself saying i shouldn’t be working on weekends anyways (that’s when he got the most time with me), so my manager said “well if he can’t be working on weekends then he won’t be working here”. I was shocked. i told him “what the fuck you just got me fired do you even realize that” and his response was something to the effect of “nah it’ll be fine”.
ever since then until i was 18 he wouldn’t let me get another job with set hours so i couldn’t easily save up money for my future what so ever. i had to make the $6k i made at that job last 4 years before it ran out
So, is there grounds to sue the fuck out of my dad?

Hi, I’m 29 female about 180 lbs/5’10”
For about a year now, I’ve been getting hot/cold flashes and nausea spells. They last about 30 seconds to 2 minutes and I get them multiple times a day. I’ve noticed lately that when I drink alcohol, it could be 1 or 2 drinks, I end up in the bathroom with what feels like food poisoning. Last night it started at 3:30 am and has gone on all day.
My dads side of the family has a history of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, stroke, thyroid issues, and my moms side has history of strokes.
When I was in highschool, I suffered from dizzy spells and had a ton of tests done but nothing was ever found other than occasional low blood pressure.
I haven’t had health insurance for about 4 years now and I plan on getting it next month as this has been harder to manage. I don’t take anything other than a probiotic vitamin from Olly and I got gummy-ginger Tums to help manage the flare ups while I’m at work. I do smoke marijuana which helps with the nausea from time to time but I feel it’s overdue to take some more action on whatever is happening with me.

Im at the end of my Junior year of Highschool and im unsure about my application and what colleges i should apply to. I still have 3 days left of the year so final semester grades arent out yet but its gonna be around a 4.1. I had a 4.103 last semester and my grades have been basically the same.
I didnt really take school too serious freshman and sophmore year which i am sorely regretting now which is why im concerned about my college chances.
For background im a 17yo Chinese American male and I live in Ohio.
Before i start, in my class list youre gonna see CCP classes. CCP classes are college credit classes that are mostly an Ohio thing. Im probably gonna have a hard time getiing those credits accepted out of state which is one of my concerns.
Freshman (P.S. i dont have exact percentages)
Art I: A
CP Span I: B
HON Algebra I: A
HON Biology: B
HON English 9: A
World History: A
Sophmore
AP Lang: A (AP Test: 3)
APush: A (AP Test: 3)
CP Geometry: A
CP Span II: B
HON Chem: B
HON Algebra II: A
Junior
AP Psych: A
AP Gov: A
CCP Basic Pharmacology (online): A
CCP Pre Calc: A
CCP Comp I: A
CCP Consumer Econ: A
CCP Earth Science: A
CCP Intro to Open Source (online): A
Current GPA
4.1
CLASS RANK: 6
Senior
Plan to take CCP Anatomy and CCP Physics in the summer
During the school year im doing AP Lit, AP Human Geo, CCP Calc, CCP Bio
ACT/SAT
ACT: 25, 26, SS=27
SAT: 1290
Clubs:
Key Club: done all three years going onto senior year, only held a recruiter position (which everyone who runs gets) in freshman year.
FLBA: joined juniors and continuing into Senior year, did objective tests and won basic awards for it (pretty much everyone did)
Sign Language: Freshman and Sophmore year, girl who ran it graduated so its not availble now
Student Council: Freshman year, i knew nobody was afraid to talk at meeting and activities so i left sophmore year.
Sports:
Soccer: Varisity 2, only played for Freshman year
Archery: Every year up til junior year, i dont plan on doing it for Senior year tho
For college i plan to major in Biology for 4 years and get a Bachelors, then go to DPT school because i want to become a Physical Therapist. My major probably will change since im suspicous about the stats regarding Biology however thats just a template for now.
Alright now thats out of the way let me address some of my concerns:
For one, i do actually want to get into some sort of medical job. im also more interested in science subjects like Biology than math for instance. However HON Bio and HON Chem were my worst grades. Chem im pretty sure i got around an 80% and bio is probably also in the low-mid 80s. Im pretty worried about that since im planning on being a Bio major doing medical prereqs like chemistry.
This harkens back to the "i didnt take school seriously freshman or sophmore". i didnt really try my best in these classes because i didnt really like the teachers. However if i had actually took them serious I think i wouldve gotten much better scores since i hardly studied or paid attention in class. Despite that I still have an interest in Science, i thought both Psychology and Pharmcology were both interesting but i know thats not the same thing.
Im taking a bunch of science related courses during the summer and Senior year because of the PT thing. Ill see how they go.
Second concern is my extracurriculars. I just dont think theyre enough. I havent held any real leadership positions in any of my clubs, i mainly just helped out in activities. I dont know my community service hours but its probably around 20-30 all from key club.
I quit soccer and I'm quitting archery next year due to mental health reasons. Both sports stressed me out and put me in depressions. Im planning on doing powerlifting since weightlifting has been a really great hobby ive adopted the past year. However im pretty worried that this will show a pattern of quitting since ive already quit clubs before.
Aside from that, thats basically all. For jobs, ive worked at my parents buffet but mostly only during summers. This summer i plan to get a job outside of my parents buffet.
My mom has enrolled me in a lot tutoring classes though however i dont know if that count towards anything. The online tutoring classes is offered by this company in New York City. Ive takin General Math & English classes and ACT & SAT classes. Overall the hours for that are a lot. i can probably get the exact hours easily but im pretty sure its around 200-300 hours.
All in all this is one of the biggest things im worrying about since i feel like everyone else in my class has done way more.
Third, my ACT and SAT test scores. Despite having a fuckton of online tutoring classes for the ACT i just cant get that test to click for me. This is really frustrating since after so many hours of practice ive only been able to score a 25 and a 26. The highest score ive had on a practice test was a 30. That really sucks since i was very confident in my second ACT and practiced a long time for it.
My first SAT i got a 1290 which is about equivant to a 27 on the ACT. Again not really ideal. I do find the SAT to be much easier than the ACT tho. The test i did have was like right in the middle of Finals, midterms, and Ap Tests so i didnt have much time to study. Ill try my hardest to do better on the Aug 24 SAT but that may be my last chance since the next SAT date after that is on Oct 5.
Last thing are my CCP classes. Again they are mainly an Ohio thing so out of state colleges may not accept them. My sister went out of state and most of those classes didnt get college credit .
So anyways those were all my concerns. The colleges that my sister said belong to or my "matches" catagory are the Univeristy of Pittsburgh, Ohio State, and University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. The ones in my "reach" catagory are Case Western, Univeristy of Michigan, and John Hopkins. Thats all i have so far.
John Hopkins and Michigan both have <20% acceptance rates so that is probably the farthest edge of the reach catagory. Case Western is probably my best, most realistic option since it has a 35% acceptance rate and its in Ohio.
All the colleges in my matches category are pretty comparable. I think Pittsburgh may be the best option since its near Carnegie Melon (my sister's college) and apprently it has a pretty large premed student-base
With that said i really dont think im even in the ballpark for any of these colleges. My SAT is a 1290, literally none of their test score ranges. As well as this i feel like all of the problems ive outline are too much to make me a candidate for any of these colleges. My sister says i have a good chance of the match colleges. She said ill probably get into Ohio state however im really not sure. My activities suck, my state test scores aren't in their ranges, Ive stopped doing a lot of clubs and sports, my volunteering hours are barely anything, most my college credit classes are CCP which may not be counted. My GPA is probably the best thing on my resume but my high school isnt the most academically prestigous high school out there. Like highest GPA in my grade is probably a 4.5 out of 125 students.
Overall, i dont know how college admissions will think. Im really unfamilar with what gets into college and what doesnt. Im not sure if i even qualify anything on my list. Could you guys please evaluate me and tell me whats my situation? Additionally what are some other colleges that i should add to my list and that im applicable for? How do i even look for colleges aside from just strolling on USNews?

I’m asking if it’s weird because i have a very bad sense of knowing what is wrong/normal for parents to do since my mom is always doing concerning shit.
i’m an upcoming sophomore in college but i’m on summer break rn and i am going to Mexico in a week. my mom was nice enough to pay for the ticket but she before made it this big thing and wouldn’t let me go bc originally i would have had to take a seperate flight by myself. my friend(18F) Mya’s parents would be waiting for me at the airport after my flight bc it would be at the same airport but my mom was making it seem like i couldn’t handle the airport alone and said they snatch people up in TSA. but you are at risk to get “snatched up” literally anywhere so i didn’t understand this to a certain degree.
however, i’m able to go now bc i’m able to take the same flight with mya and her family. but now my mom is meeting with the parents tmr at our house and my friend said she’s coming bc her parents don’t want it to be awkward. my mom was also trying to get my dad to meet with the parents but i had to tell her not to since I don’t live with him at all, he barely has barely been a father growing up and now. so why does he also get a say? I also didn’t want him to meet with mya’s parents bc i felt like he would also say something weird or try to convince my mom not to let me go. my mom already says weird shit unpredictably and i don’t need even more unpredictability with my dad being there. like for example the time where he was frustrated/pissed with my mom in text bc I wanted to go to NYC for college at one point and got accepted to a school. he tried to convince my mom to not let me go bc “i couldn’t handle it”.
i understand some places are more dangerous than some but she acts this way with mostly everything. she already has been otp with the parents. i just feel like this is all unnecessary for a 19 year old going on vacation but I can’t tell if I’m just being a little “young and dumb” or if this is just all slightly unnecessary? like i’m not saying i’m completely an adult but this sounds like something you do with a younger highschooler kid? my mom also keeps pressuring me for my location for when i go the mexico. she has always been asking me for my location in college but i don’t send that. but with this trip to mexico and the convention i’m going to days before she keeps pressuring me for it.

im 17 and am going to be a highschool senior this upcoming august.
i just got out of my abusive moms house a year ago and had moved in with my sister. my sister and her wife have legal custody of me. when i moved in they said i could stay as long as i wanted and that i was family to them. now, they keep talking about how i need to leave after my senior year to go to college or something. they basically just dont want to deal with me anymore.
since they make too much, i dont qualify for financial aid. with my trauma i guess that gives me some scholarships. but you dont win every scholarship yk? i live in california and shit is expensive. i dont have any plans. i was never taught this kind of thing and dont know how to get my shit together. my plan was community college then transferring to a UC which is the cheapest option, but i wouldnt have any place to live.
i will not take out student loans. that will be my last resort.
i have a 4.0 gpa, straight As, and all of my volunteer hours.
i just dont know what to do after highschool im genuinely lost and need help.
EDIT: i have a job, a crappy one. im currently trying to find a new one but i have a job that ive been working at for 5 months