A quick note first about intent and format:
I've given a lot of one off stories that happened at (TTI), but I wanted to say the rest. What happened. Not events, but how I changed.
I am not an author, I chose topics as they came to me and tried not to be dragged down by examples. I did not put effort into editing because I would delete most things feeling them inadequate or too close. I'm own feelings of inadequacy can stand on their own in my bumbling prose. I will write as I speak, complete with tangential set-asides. I will drift in and out of tenses, because I never truly leave the past in the past. I think the spirit of what I'm writing should convey, and while there are some obviously re-occurring themes and words, I kept things as simple as possible so there's little confusion about what was happening and what threads I held onto. I have a lot to cover, and to make an excruciatingly long and boring narrative simple, I put it in 3 parts... for funzies.
I apologize to anyone triggered. I do not intend to censor my feelings, so if you are struggling right now with holding things together, just move on ahead.
I do find it important to explain that what happens isn't just a bunch of bad times in a string, we all had to find our own way to survive and move on. Some to be proud of, some less. For better or worse, this was mine.

Part 1- The before times....

To put things in perspective, I guess I should establish a baseline for how life was before going. I was not a drug addled troublemaker. In fact, to this day, I have not used illegal drugs and have had no interactions with the courts outside traffic violations. To make things topical, I was like a vault-dweller; an army brat at the end of the cold-war with the upbringing of several generations of military officers. I was the type who could earnestly play a lawful good paladin if that means anything to you. My worldview was anchored in a justice, karma, and an unbelievable naivete that good intentions could drive good results.
Moving on average about every year or so, I was used to change. I was used to losing people- pre-internet as a child, if you moved, they were essentially gone for good. Mix that with everyone knowing you'd be gone soon, most kids wouldn't make an effort to be friends. On the positive, I was an introvert and would usually only try to make friends with a few people anyway. The life lesson I got was an ability to deal with loss. Maybe not healthily, but even if someone died-they were just somewhere else. But I would always be me, and have myself, and created my self image on the assumption that while everything else WILL be transitory, I would define myself by the pursuit of my ideals, my JUSTICE. (Yeah, SUPER cringe-worthy, but with no support network, you had to create something).
At this point, I was planning to take up the family business and join the military in time. I was well aware where that could end up, but when you live in an environment that's pro mission and move frequently enough to have nothing more than superficial ties, it's easy to create a narrative that would enable you to be a “good soldier.” It also was pretty much my only goal at the time- a solid point to plan for, good or bad. I would follow the path of my father, and his father, etc and try and learn from their mistakes to do it even better.
I'll focus on the preceding few years before I went to my TTI. My father was (important) and was gone a lot, being involved in things for (several major operations), and the entire continent while having a command on the side. We were stationed in (another country). He didn't say a lot to me, but he wasn't cruel. I didn't fear him. I liked him. I just didn't see him much. I wasn't upset by it though since my view of him was intrinsically linked with duty.
My mother spent my childhood talking about her manic-depression and depression, about how hard it was to be a military wife, how hard it was to be an extrovert surrounded by introverts, how bad her father was and so on. It would usually include a diatribe about how my dad never listened to her and dismissed her. Like, way more than I think was appropriate from like 6-10 and even up to when I was 13. It was kind of a running spiel to anyone who'd listen, even in passing. “I've been a military wife for x years” “I'm surrounded by introverts” (vague statement about how she's not appreciated) (waay too much medical history) some tears. If I seemed impatient 'cause this could happen several times in one outing (random stranger, cashier, another stranger) she'd say the following gem “you want another kid?” Oh it was so funny. Later in life I found out that she checked herself in for a few months after I was born, perhaps why I felt closer to my aunt who watched me during that time.
My sibling was high school and declared themselves to be a marxist at the time. Not even knowing the difference, I just figured they were acting out since the USSR had collapsed only a few years prior. I went to a local school despite not speaking the language 'cause it seemed like something to do- I had basically perfect scores at the DODDS school on base, so my parents didn't really mind me switching. Even then, still did okay (not as well, but it's not like I'd expect to). All in all, things were okay. I had a close friend, which was enough for me.
I finished 7th grade at the (non-american school) and was preparing to move back to the US as my dad's tour was over. This was the longest we'd stayed in one place, at about 3 years, but I didn't have any more apprehensions than normal. We didn't know precisely where we'd end up because it was going to be one of two places, depending upon if a different person was shifted in the next month or two. So, our things were being sent to temporary housing. In the midst of this “instability” my mom told me she was taking me with my sibling on their college tours...

Part 2- A brave new world...

For some unclear reason, we stopped at a B&B in Connecticut. It was vaguely between NYC and Boston and I did have a cousin about an hour away, so whatever. We drive to this campus and my Mom tells me I'm staying here. ^wut? We were shown around quickly and the headmaster told me I have to write an essay about how I want to be there/intend to change (more or less). I wrote 5-7 pages mocking the school, its stated mission and so on. We went back to the B&B, my sibling wrote a better essay. I was informed that I will stay there or I would be sent to the wilderness to forage for food. Supposedly, my mom heard great things about this place in the 70's I needed this for “stability.” I had no concept of what she was even talking about or what was going on. My end response was to the effect that if she abandoned me, I'd not forget it, or forgive it, but that she better stay nice to my sibling because I wouldn't be the one taking care of her (my mom) in the future.
I've already covered many of the things that happened there as loose events in the past, so I'll leave the this and that happened and focus on how it affected me. I was abandoned and betrayed by my mother and sibling. I was an idealistic, per-pubescent child who had only just turned 13 in a place meant to fix... something? I couldn't connect with many of the others, I didn't have the experience-we were the first group of 8th graders (supposedly) so we're already younger than everyone, and I lacked the experiences with institutionalization, discipline, or even socialization generally shared even by those in my grade. Everyone was simply an enemy or not. I had to learn to hide my face-crime (evidence of thought-crime) with my creepy-reflexive smile. I had to dismiss my feelings lest they create an opening.
I had to learn to fully disassociate so that I could defend myself from this existential threat against my being. After all, if being me is all I ever could take with me, what would I have if that changed as well? -Who feels that? That's a different me. Oh, of course... what a weakling, ignore that. Who hurts? That's the me that's hurting. I'm the me that's here. -
While we were only allowed 3 minute showers, I'd cycle from as hot as possible to as cold, back and forth so that I could learn to keep just the memory of each and overlay it against the current experience.
-Who is struggling? That's a different me. I am the me that survives this-
I am glad that I was still per-pubescent because I was only faintly aware of attraction to others, I could still frame things as a me vs system with other NPCs who are similarly being ground down...hormones and feelings would have made that a nightmare to deal with... and one thing I immediately surmised is that any relationships I formed there WOULD be used against me. Whether or not this is true, meh, but I had zero information going in, and only knowledge that this system was a direct threat to me. On the topic, I never so much as held hands until I was 17, but I'll save that for Part 3 (cliff-hanger) but I bring it up because I was exposed to a number of kids still in the midst of exploring their sexuality, and one must've taken my lack of interest in girls as potential interest in them. No, nothing happened except a lot of touching me I would yell at them over (me being annoyed at the touch, not grasping the sexual overtones), but it did mark the start of more sexual harassment at various times in life that I just never really responded enough to. I guess my hand holding statement needed to be amended to reflect (that I wanted). I guess my point is that bodily autonomy gets a little hazy as you start to disassociate your body as being present there from an idealized future where everything troublesome gets to be in the past.
A few side notes about the experience: the loss of my things, led me to value my possessions less, as they could be taken at any time. My relationship with my mom basically broke when I was told not to call home or they'd not answer again.
Finally, JUSTICE. I needed there to be a just world. So I got to internalize the guilt of things I didn't do. Things I could've done because I had the capacity. Even things I chose not to do because they were wrong, but still had collateral effects. Stupid? Yes. But I needed a “Just” world to survive. That required a guilty party. It HAD to be my fault and I HAD to deserve it....

Part 3- Aftermath....

After TTI 8th grade, we moved house and I was enrolled in a local Catholic school as a non-Catholic. It was almost exclusively attended by students from it's feeder school and the administration made sure I was aware I wasn't one of them (Catholic). Strike 3 (besides being non-feeder and non-Catholic) against me was that I lived quite a distance away. I had one friend until they pulled out after 10th grade, feeling it was too oppressive for them. I wouldn't describe myself as bullied per-se, just a non-entity that was there. For the first 2 years, my mom kept sending me to psychologists she'd shop around for and convincing them to give me numerous medications, despite my refusal to talk to them. The line-up? Ritalin (ADHD) but for “insomnia” I got Clonodine, Pamalor, Zoloft, Depakote, and Trazadone. Almost all at the same time for a while. Of course, this was under implied threat for non-compliance. So. Having been more or less disconnected from my age group (the years spent abroad, and the TTI), I was in another hostile environment... now with drugs!
I knew from TTI to second guess my emotions. To hide my true emotions behind a placid or bemused face. If I thought I was happy or content, it meant that I didn't grasp the true circumstances, and the other show WOULD drop. Now... I couldn't feel anything. Nothing was meaningful. Things could just, happen. I would move forward. Eventually “I” (my true ideal self) would get “there.” I still wasn't quite bothered by my anomie, as I figured others would only try to get closer to me for some personal end. Brother's Keeper taught me that sharing secrets of myself only gave ammunition to those who needed to build clout in system. Besides, why would someone try to get closer to me? Even my own mother dropped me I'm so broken. Things would've been different if I didn't deserve it so much. Still... In the future.. I can do my duty... better than anyone...then I'll deserve things to be good... Justice will prevail.
I applied to the top colleges in the field associated with my desired MOS, and applied for ROTC. I got in- When I was 17.5 someone did show an interest in me. They had just moved in middle of senior year to a different school and met by happenstance. Started dating immediately. They had all the traumas and we weren't really compatible. But, anyone wanting me was worth EVERYTHING. They were willing to take a chance on a nothing like me. Broke with me a few months later cause I was going to go to college, in a few months. Being with them was better than I deserved.
A while before going to college, I was notified I was DQ'd from military service for unclear “reasons” (for some reason they couldn't just say my meds, took me years to figure out). So, dream denied- I went to college because there would eventually be Justice.
I ended up with anyone who showed the slightest willingness. One who told me they weren't cheating and we weren't dating despite basically living together for months while being introduces as such...but I was still fine with that and wouldn't even have asked for an apology because I HAD to deserve that as well... anything could be given, someone noticed me.. if just for a moment. Please don't abandon me. Something, someone will stay. ^{There will be Justice}.
(Jarring fast forward). I've been married for years and years. I have kids. I look at my eldest and I see myself in them. I can see how I used to see the world. They are better than me.
At birthdays, I can only see how close they are to when I stopped being able to be myself with open eyes and a clear heart. Able to trust that I really know what I feel, and no part of it is me trying to keep my fragile self in reserve. When I could last think I was happy and not have to think about it, worry about what I'm not seeing that's going to destroy it. Able to believe in people and have them able to hurt me rather than expect it. Able to have people not hurt me and believe that they never will. Have I ever been loved?
^{Can I love? Am I just pretending? Are any of my feelings true? How do I know? How do others know? Are they blinded like I was? Did I become blinded instead? Is this the feeling of falling from grace, to be frightened from the mere sight of it? I've had to question for decades.}
I know that I can spare them. I can protect them. There was no Justice. There was life.
The TTI, wrecked mine in its own way. Yes, something else could've easily done the same instead. Although, I can't think of anything else that would require me to break my own self esteem just to maintain being myself. Even if problems arise in the future, I know my children are worth the effort to find a better way. If nothing else, THEY deserve it. ...I guess that would do them Justice.

Hi,
My bf is bringing in about 2 wks worth of Ritalin to Japan which is less than the 2.16g limit. We’re trying to do the immigration clearance and customs declaration and am not sure what we should put as our answer.
3.Do you presently have in your possession narcotics, marijuana, opium, stimulants, or other controlled substances, firearms, crossbow, swords, explosives or other such items?
And
1.Are you bringing the following into Japan? (1) Prohibited Article(s) or Restricted Article(s) [For example, Narcotic drugs, Firearms, Explosives]
We said yes to both of these since he is technically bringing in a controlled substance, but they’re not prohibited, just restricted. We don’t want to be stopped by the officers in Japan and then get fined for not declaring the right things, so what should we do?
Thank you.

My 8yo takes Concerta in the morning, then a Ritalin in the afternoon, per his doctor. Both meds work within 30-45 minutes and make a clear difference. However, from the moment he wakes up until the Concerta kicks in, say from 5:45am until 6:30am, my house is a nightmare. We’re actively looking to move but for now he shares a room with his 5yo brother. As soon as his eyes open he jumps up, starts making noises, repeating silly words and phrases, wakes his brother up, basically tortures him by repeating things that bother his brother until his brother screams at the top of his lungs. Then punches and shoves happen, then I become enraged. Obviously the first solution was for me and my wife to get up when he does and intercept, but it’s so upsetting how “nonreachable” he is until the meds kick in, like he’s possessed. I don’t have ADHD so I don’t understand how a child can act so chaotically, then be somewhat remorseful and contemplative 45 min later. I wake up every morning with the adrenaline of a Viking warrior pumping through my body. The most stressful and harmful thing in my house is my 8yo and that’s how we start every morning. Then he’s off to school feeling calm and I’m pulsing with frustration, trying to regroup and support my family. What the hell can I do to stop these mornings from destroying me? Any meds that would be used in combination with Concerta and Ritalin to combat his complete lack of control in the morning?
He may be diagnosed ADHD, but everyone in the family suffers with it. Anything to help is appreciated.

My 8yo takes Concerta in the morning, then a Ritalin in the afternoon, per his doctor. Both meds work within 30-45 minutes and make a clear difference. However, from the moment he wakes up until the Concerta kicks in, say from 5:45am until 6:30am my house is a nightmare. We’re actively looking to move but for now he shares a room with his 5yo brother. As soon as his eyes open he jumps up, starts making noises, repeating silly words and phrases, wakes his brother up, basically tortures him by repeating things that bother his brother until his brother screams at the top of his lungs. The punches and shoves happen, then I become enraged. Obviously the first solution was for me and my wife to get up when he does and intercept, but it’s so upsetting how “nonreachable” he is until the meds kick in, like he’s possessed. I don’t have ADHD so I don’t understand how a child can act so chaotically, then be somewhat remorseful and contemplative 45 min later. I wake up every morning with the adrenaline of a Viking warrior pumping through my body. The most stressful and harmful thing in my house is my 8yo and that’s how we start every morning. Then he’s off to school feeling calm and I’m pulsing with frustration, trying to regroup and support my family. What the hell can I do to stop these mornings from destroying me? Any meds that would be used in combination with Concerta and Ritalin to combat his complete lack of control in the morning?
He may be diagnosed ADHD, but everyone in the family suffers with it. Anything to help is appreciated.

So I don’t even know how to start this post because it’s my first time posting here.
The other day I was looking for horror books. I’m a sucker for religious terror, specially your typical Catholic related one. I really enjoyed “The exorcist” book because all the mental illness talk.
Looking in the Nextory app I found out “Father of lies”, the first book of a trilogy. I was really hooked during the first two books (yet to read the third) and I just wanted to share it with you all.
I find super interesting the mix of religious horror and mental illness issues. I myself suffer from adhd and borderline personality disorder and I was really shocked when Regan in the exorcist was thought to suffer some disorder similar to ADHD and was prescribed RITALIN.
So in this trilogy we start Enna psychiatric ward in England (perfect athmosphere tbh).
Ruby is a patient who has been in a catatonic state for a long time. The head psychiatrist decides to try hypnosis and a little dose of LSD. During tax During that session something evil is released and we follow how it affects and targets every professional related to the case. It’s interesting to see how each of them react. Also when we go deep into the issue we find out everything is related to Ruby’s childhood. She developed dissociative identity disorder because she was exposed to a lot of trauma due to her family being heads of a satanic cult.
The second book focus more oh her family history and how everything unraveled.
What I really like about this book is to see how each of them perceive and react to evil. It’s interesting because it’s not your typical police drama and also we are not just focused on the possessed.

Alex Youtuber PrettyPastelPlease ~700k subscribers ~100M views, known for aesthetic pastel kawaii overconsumption hauls with Parrot Archie, Husband Dan, and best friend Sam ... shifts during pandemic with mental health issues, medication issues, nose job issues, drinking and boob job ... abandons it all on holiday in Tasmania to discheveled life rescuing pigeons, while lying and blasting everyone online for not supporting her happiest she's been and lowest points.
Archie 'The bird stays' parrot is happy and healthy living with a positive reinforcement bird trainer. Alex in 18+ months has yet to apply for easy to get permit required in Tasmania to own a parrot, to get Archie back.
--3 SIDES TO EVERY SEPARATION SUMMARY--
Polite side - A summary is Alex and Dan decided to separate/divorce after 8+ years together, as Alex is mentally, physically, and financially happier in Tasmania AND Dan is mentally, physically, and financially happier in Sydney
Alex's side - 'A summary is my husband abandoned me in the middle of an interstate move lol' - comment Jul31 2023 on Divorce Q&A Youtube 'My entire friendship group abandoned me because my ex husband fed them lies and they cut me off without even trying to ask me my version of events' Jan12 2024 TikTok
Alex Social Medias Combined side - A summary is Alex abandoned entire life while on holiday in Tasmania, but says everyone abandoned her

• Alex alone decided to move to Tasmania [Oct 27] to build a bird rescue with gofundme money [Oct 28] and live mortgage free and start a family soon or in five years, both listed on her own posts.
• Dan did agree to move BUT immediately changed his mind multiple times in just 1 week, agreed [Nov 8 2022], but blacked out [Nov 11], apologized [Nov 11], put in a house offer and threw work shirt in bin [Nov 12] and backed out again [Nov 12 + a few days] asked for separation [Dec 10] asked for divorce [Dec 13 2022] and went no reply at house closing and asset division signing [Apr 8 2023].
• Dan seemed concerned not with just being mortgage free, but debt free, with Dan salary decreasing in TAZ, Alex's salary decreasing with lack of posting content and meeting sponsorships, Alex's spending increasing [expensive equipment, airbnb rentals, home rentals, home shopping, car rentals, car shopping, flights, 8 employees, bird rescue, etc], and eventually having a family. Dan wanted to wait to move atleast 6 months for his 10 year work service leave of 2 months paid holiday [Jun 2023].
• Alex's friends did stop talking to Alex, BUT not sure of any lies Dan ever told to them, however friends and Alex herself has provided proof of lies Alex told.

Note Australian Divorce cannot be filed until 1 year after separation, is a no-fault system where infidelity does not have a legal impact, for those with no kids the majority is settled with financial asset and property division split agreement before divorce.
--PEOPLE ACCUSATIONS AND REPLIES SUMMARY--
Cailtyn

• Alex accused former friend Caitlyn of sleeping with Dan [because of some joke comment]
• Caityln - 'yes, I'm vague posting no, l'm not happy about it I'm trying to be mature and careful and I don't want to air out dirty laundry over the whole internet. Where it will live forever. It's tacky and petty and harmful feel free to talk about your woes offline all you like. You gotta talk through it to get through it but for the love of all that is good could you stop thinking the absolute worst of everyone else and take some accountability for you're own life and your own choices you're doomed to have history repeat if you don't and even don't want that for you. shows' over kids sorry for being such a downer'

Lucy

• Alex asked former friend/peeemploee Lucy not to talk to Dan, since Alex thought Dan had a crush on Lucy [because of some joke comment]
• Alex accused former friend/peeemployee Lucy of only pretending to be Alex's friend to get paid and Alex help start Lucy's career [Lucy did youtube first and worked for her pay]
• Lucy - 'getting jump scared about your own personal information being shared in quite a vindictive fashion it was kind of like oh is that what the truth is how interesting I don't remember it being that way, but sure it's giving lies ... the latest drop that implies some very interesting things about your character and your relationships or ... a new personal information drop that implies things about your professional character with messages that are creatively cropped and lacking context ... that treatment is not okay was not okay I felt that it wasn't right for me to be treated that way it felt really unempathetic it was really hurtful and it was quite awful and bad'

Dan

• Dan has made no response himself, but Sam did to Alex, and Alex read it during posted Divorce Q&A. Sam - 'The last straw for me was the 10 part series you put up on Instagram' ...'said putting this out in front of 100k on Instagram is a dick move, but you went so far as to blame Dan for everything' [beginning of response]
• Alex claims in 10 part instagram story Dan chose to end pregnancy in youth [except Sam said it was Alex], Dan not wanting kids immediately [except Alex said she wanted to wait at least 5 years], Alex claims Mortage Free Priority [except Alex had $1.2M house, tons of renovations, tons of spending, and barely working], Alex claims Dan neglected the animals [except Alex is the one who left animals for Tasmania], Alex claims Dan lied to friends [except still not shown lies], Alex claims Financial Abuse of Stuff [except Dan was left alone to sell house, had house professionally staged, Alex's overconsumption hyperfixation stuff put in storage, and once Alex came back to Sydney and signed asset division and storage lease gave her access, which Alex has basically done nothing with in a year], Alex claims Financial Abuse of Money [except Alex was in new home within days of old home closing and signed asset division before posting story], Alex claimed Dan was terrible [Except Alex said Dan only yelled at her once in 8+ years, changed his mind about moving in less than 1 week multiple times after Alex had decided alone to move, and only proof Alex shown Dan broke promise is that he would always love her and belived in their future]

Sam

• Alex called former bestfriend Sam a shitty friend for not coming to TAZ to support her [Sam was supporting Dan]
• Sam - 'Really, I think the reason everyone here is ignoring you might be due to the fact that we've seen how much of an manipulative liar you are and likely have always been.' ... 'Either you truly believe everything you say and you're ignorant beyond salvation, or you're fully aware of your lies and you just don't care. Either way, it's not worth my time.'
• Sam - 'my opinion that I [Sam] and many others have been gaslit by Alex for years. My [Sam] regret is not realizing it earlier'

Alex

• Alex reads question 'Do you feel guilty about anything you said to your friends and Dan' Alex answers 'No, I don't think I did anything wrong [....] I stand by anything I've done'

--LIST SUMMARY--
Alex Pastel Clothes/ Kawaii/ Sydney/ Giant Home/ Japan/ Parrot Archie/ Husband Dan/ Best Friends Sam, Michelle, Caitlyn, Lucy, etc/ Fast Fashion/ Luxury Brands/ Themed Thrifting/ Overconsumption/ Youtube aesthetic posts

• via Covid afraid to leave house for two years,
• Botched Nose Job, Botched Nose Job Revision, Successful Boob Job,
• Mental Health Diagnosis (Neurodivergent with OCD, ADHD, CPTSD, Anxiety Discorder), self diagnosing (ex Autism),
• Medication Issues, binge drinking, mixing meds and booze, changing her med doses, extreme vitamin taking, only eating protein cookies,
• Alex could barely get out of bed or basic hygiene,
• struggled to work aka make content or meet sponsorship deadlines,
• so started hair dying saga and online thrifting hundreds of items,
• going from 1 bird Archie became agressively hormonal to Alex due to petting beyond head,
• to adding a few chickens to over 25 birds that she let live, fly, and poop all over her house
• while cuddling in bed with favorite chicken or pigeon who would let her
• in messy house full of hoarded hyperfixations from excessive spending

to Alex Black Clothes/ Goth/ Graphic Tees/ Tasmania/ 1880s Cottage/ 50 Pigeons/ 50 Chickens/ 23 Ducks/ 4 Guinea Fowl/ 3 Dogs/ Archie Rehomed/ Dan Divorcing/ Friends went no reply/ Sydney goods in Storage Unit/ Single Straight Monogamous Ace/ 24-7 with Friend Claye/ Mental Health Struggles/ Snark Posting/ Contradicting Postings/ Thrifting Lacking Style/ Disheveled posts

• including acting like Tasmania will solve everything because can live mortgage free on large land with over 100 birds,
• yet spending excessively on WRX car, Hobart most expensive home rental, 8 new employees, 1880s cottage, renovations, tiny home
• rehomed Archie with bird trainer still not applying for easy to get permit to get him back,
• not prioritizing needed 3rd nose job for breathing,
• setup Gofundme to create Bird Sanctuary with no certification and changing it to just pay to support current birds and then deleting,
• driving with birds loose in car, driving holding camera, speeding,
• doxxing Friends/own license plates, doxxing Friends Front of Homes, doxxing Friends Private Messages, doxxing Friends mental health conditions,
• vague posting, controdicting posting, posting others work without crediting,
• continuously making insensitive jokes about mania, animal abuse, cults, poly, sydney, bullying autism,
• reading, trolling, and attacking gossip forums
• possibly involved in banned troll accounts on multiple gossip forums
• not being safe home demolition,
• continuously with friend Claye including posting in lingerie, in bed, leg on top of him, moving across Tasmania with, and in the middle of Claye's own relationship breakup,
• posting even less content, while promising even more content that never happens,
• abandoning everything and every problem in Sydney including husband and friends,
• husband asked for divorce to stay in Sydney,
• very upset that various old friends abandoning her in December,
• made so many claims publically against husband and friends,
• feeling prosecuted without being able to defend herself,
• victim no accountability main character mentality, etc

--SUMMARY KEY CONTENT SHOWING CHANGE--
Alex Prettypastelplease Youtube 723k Jul 2022 to 696k Feb 2023 https://www.youtube.com/@PrettyPastelPlease/videos * [I spent X Thousands of Dollars at Y - The Bird Stays - Japan Kawaii Pastel - Bought months ago copying mannequin - Thriftmas - Designer - Promise another video that will not happen - Wait for the reveal - Looks a bit messy - To Tasmania - Abandons Everything - Happiest I've ever been - Lowest point - 100 Birds NOT Archie - Promises Content - Barely Posts - Low Quality - Completely Different Aesthetic] * OCT12 2022 - Alex self diagnosing - Youtube - PrettyPastelSideQuest - autism- Posted Oct 12 2022 * OCT27 2022 - Alex decides by herself to move to Tasmania - Youtube - PrettyPastelSideQuest - the day that changed my life forever - Posted Dec 7 2022 * DEC08 2002 - Alex 'I can pinpoint the last time I genuinely felt happy in my own skin and it was back in 2011' - Instagram story - lolcow and gossipguru * APR21 2023 - Alex 10 page instagram story - lolcow and tattlelife and gossipguru * JUN03 2023 - Alex 'when your haters say that you're alone ... but have uncountable amount of pigeons' - Instagram Story - Instagram - Highlights - 2023 - 2023-06-03 * JUL18 2023 - Youtube - PrettyPastelPlease - addressing my divorce & other rumours (Q&A) - Posted JUL 18 2023
--SUMMARY DETAILED--
Pre 2020 (Thanks to Silent-Grocery-Lul) Alex promised second parts or new videos but she never posted them. Also mentioned constantly already recorded content, but still no uploads. Incomplete info about the products she was reviewing, basically she knew next to nothing about what she got and mainky got it for the aesthetic. Also she would send back products that weren't pastel enough. Weird hyperfocus on negative comments, where the begining of many videos featured negative comments and she defended herself A LOT. Her UPS 'The bird stays' [the bird in fact didn't stay] was a response to the comments about Archie (Parrot) being loud and annoying. Also sitting on piles of haul clothes that were to be returned, calling her out for being unsanitary. Over consumerism. Just too much for one person. Kept a lot of poor quality clothes for IG pictures.
2020 to 2021 (Thanks to Silent-Grocery-Lul) The Australia fires inspired her to make a lot of charity work and actually got a good amount of money in donations [about 60K AUD], sells and brand PR. However it took her A LOT OF TIME to show receipts of her giving the money away to the charities. Coincidentaly, she had a trip to Japan almost at the same time so there was a lot of speculation that she used the charity money to fun her trip instead. Eventually she showed proof of donation. She got a nose job which unfortunately went wrong. She couldn't get it fixed because of Covid, which eventually led to a second nose job, and Alex still needs another nose job. Promised videos about both experiences are missing still. When Covid sent everyone to quarantine, she went to her IG stories to call out EVERYONE who didn't stayed inside, she hyperfocused on the numbers and honestly was really afraid of go outside. Recriminated anyone who went out (even if restrictions were lifted) and here's where her MH went spiralling quicker. Didn't see her parents, Sam (ex boyfriend and best friend) or any other friend. Started the Hair Saga, dying, homebleaching, cutting, trimming and repeat her hair. I swear one of her firends cut her hair with gardening scissors. Fans started to show concern for her well being but she always shut them up and called out for not 'letting her have fun'. Hair was completely damaged at the end of thriftmas. The reasoning behind the dying? Her mother didn't allowed her to change her hair when she was growing up. When restrictions were completly lifted, she finally met with her friends, she began Thriftmas I, hyperfocused on glass and plants. Got her friends to help her with her newest shinniest project: Gardening. Not even halfway Thriftmas her garden was dead lmao. Remember Archie? Yeah me neither and honestly probably neither does Alex, Archie stopped appearing in videos. Aparently he was hormonal and saw Alex as his partner. [Basically every video with Archie shows Alex touching him beyond his head and feet, which can cause hormonal issues] Also her camera. He went to horny jail (his cage). I remember in one video with Sam and Dan (boyfriend/husband at the time) where Sam made a comment about Freud. Alex was Archie's mom and he was humping her head and getting aggresive and frustrated. After Thriftmas I, she stopped uploading as frequently. When she got back from one of her many hiatus, now with her friends. A lot of the concepts of her vids now involved more people. She started getting chickens too. Her friends were down to almost everything, Caitlyn being one of them. She works and lived an hour or more away from Alex Sydney's house. On one video (SHEIN tryon) Alex told Caitlyn that they were going to watch Loki after Caitlyn get out of work, instead she made her film said video. Some comments on GG were about how Alex kept refering to Caitlyn as 'Plus sized' and kinda body cheking herself. She got into luxury/designer brands, Lucy being also a fan and they made reviews together. In one of Alex's IG post she says that Lucy (aka Lucy Livin in YT too) inspired her to make pastel content and fashion thingy Personal petty complaint (irrelevant and petty, feel free to skip): Alex is a fashion CC, right? Tell me WHY her styling consisted in either stripping manequins and copying product photos, like common. Was it too hard to try? In one of the videos with Lucy both had to style Alex with a prompt. One of Alex outfits WAS A COPY OF THE WEBSITE'S PRODUCT STYLING. Anyways. Thriftmas II happened. Not really related to thrifting anymore. Her excuse being 'well, I'm wearing a thrifted outfit so' while dying her hair. She discovered online local thrift shopping, mainly getting things because they were X or Y brand.
2022 to Sep 2022 Alex opened up about mental health and everything Alex could barely get out of bed or basic hygiene or struggled to work aka make content, binge drinking, mixing meds and booze, changing her med doses, extreme vitamin taking, only eating protein cookies, self diagnosing (ex Autism), hair dying saga, going from 1 bird to adding a few chickens to over 25 birds that she let live, fly, and poop all over her house. To warn Alex can be an unreliable narrator, during this time Alex is hiding a new dog from videos, as making a year long idea teaching dog to talk with buttons and wants a big reveal. May 2022 Alex seemed fine in thousands and thousands of dollars of luxury clothes at AUS Sydney fashion week. Sep 2022 Alex disclosed mental health diagnosis (Neurodivergent with OCD, ADHD, CPTSD, Anxiety Discorder) and started low edit videos by daily vlogging 100 packages in 100 days, a discord, and a trip to Tasmania with Dan, Lucy, and Lucy's boyfriend Max, who on the record was his idea it was to go to Tasmania Alex struggles to make and do daily task list of brush teeth, shower, get dressed, deodorant, skin care, feed pets, make bed, tidy, stretch, take medication, take vitamins, hydrate, eat breakfast. Struggles to do daily themed alliteration motivation list Mental Health Mondays, Tidy up Tuesday, Work out Wednesday, Tidy up Thursday, Friday Funday, Skin Care Spontaneous Saturday, Sunday Funday.
Oct 2022 to Nov 2022 In Sydney Sam build Aviary, friends built backyard garden, and Lucy cleans up filming room and office. Alex went on holiday to Tasmania again with Grace, did a discord fan meet up who she calls NPCs, abandons discord, showed peaks in energy and emotions, by herself Alex decided to move to Tasmania and abandons Sydney, abandons Aviary, Garden, overconsumption Stuff, abandons vlogs 100 packages in 100 days, setup Gofundme to set up bird rescue, later changed to bird rehoming then abandons Gofundme and eventually refunded, AI fanfic about husband and ex boyfriend, hiring NPCs as staff, spending a lot of time with Claye who seemed replacement of husband Dan / best friend Sam. Alex made many comments about wanting to be mortgage free, yet previously showed excessive shopping including luxury brands, then Alex bought a new car for Dan in Taz, looking at over $1M houses, hiring 8 people in Taz, renting Hobarts most expensive rental of 4 bedroom for just her. Alex videos filmed at this time showed driving with birds free in car, driving with cellphone in hand recording, speeding, parking tickets, illegal and dangerous. Alex videos included Friends/own License Plates, Friends Front of Homes, Friends/own Medical Details. A lot of Alex videos repeating, disintrest, bad editing, bad light, bad sound, disrespect of friends, disrespect for brands, disrespect of viewers.
Dec 2022 to Mar 2023 Alex flew to Sydney with Claye, picked up her BRZ car and 25 birds. Immediately left Sydney to drive to Ferry back to Tasmania. Same day Alex gets back to Tasmania, is no longer following friends on instagram. Next day is sad posting, turns out Dan decided to not to move to Tasmania and to separate. Alex posts Nicole Kidman Divorce Celebration photos and people immediately wonder if Alex in Tasmania and Dan in Sydney are getting divorced. Very quickly after Alex got evicted for breaking lease, having birds outside cages, Alex stayed in Tasmania, abandons Youtube, abandons thriftmas vlogs videos, trying to keep separation secret for months while vague troll posting happiest shes ever been, manic jokes, hoe era. So gossip sites started speculating based on Alex posts and were proven often correct with evidence from Alex posts, but a few trolls did exist, lie nasty, and get banned from sites. Alex abandons instagram to avoid hate, then abandons new instagram to avoid hate, then etc. Alex says she is working on bird book with no updates in a year, so abandons bird book
Apr 2023 to Jun 2023 Alex goes to Sydney for first time since November, to close on Sydney house and get the money for her Tasmania cottage. Alex has to sell off her Louis Vuitton collection to split Assets as part of separation settlement. Alex confessed to separation with complex story including falsely proven by other posts accused Dan of contolling baby timing / controlling wedding timing / animal abuse / financial abuse / post seperation abuse, had accused friend Caitlyn of sleeping with Dan, had told friend Lucy not to talk to Dan since she thought he had feelings for her, had called friend Sam shitty for not coming to visit her and support her through it. Alex posting personal texts with various old friends due to them abandoning her in December and feeling prosecuted without being able to defend herself, etc. All while sitting in her quaint old cottage with Claye, 100 pets, a BRZ car, a WRX car, a tiny house, a giant renovation, and a storage unit of abandoned items including expensive luxury in Sydney.
Jul 2023 Alex started Twitch, Twitch Discord, and did a Q&A about divorce which she posted to Youtube. Overall Alex seems much better on twitch stream, but still posting vague insults on instagram and comments. Alex reads exbest friend Sam's text to her ends with 'Really, I think the reason everyone here is ignoring you might be due to the fact that we've seen how much of an manipulative liar you are and likely have always been.' ... 'Either you truly believe everything you say and you're ignorant beyond salvation, or you're fully aware of your lies and you just don't care. Either way, it's not worth my time.' - Sam
Aug 2023 to Oct 2003 Alex abandons Twitch, abandons Twitch discord, each week saying she will be back the next week, the each month, but does not. Alex turned 30 and survived first wedding anniversary after seperation. Alex says she is moving to another home and renting out the cottage. Alex says she is going on dates with a woman. Alex posts photo of NOT her kitchen saying renovation reveal coming soon, as photographer should not be posting without giving credit to photographer and works.
Nov 2023 to Dec 2023 Alex starts vlogging 61 packages in 61 days and abandons vlogging after 12. Alex posts a low quality PPP video from Gucci second hand goods bought from Japan 18 months earlier, promising a part 2 in a few days, and abandons PPP. Alex appears to still in in cottage, meaning never moved. Alex visits Melbourne and Sydney, believe jointly files divorce papers. Alex posts a tiktok about low point in her life when Dan asked for divorce and she was in BRZ in Taz and a guy friend came to get her, believe Dec 13 2022.
Jan 2024 to Feb 2024 on Alex streams Jan 1 and promises 4 PPP videos in January, mostly sponsorships, to the additional probably 50 promised videos at this point, but nope abandons PPP again. Alex pops up in Claye's twitch streams 4 times in January and February, but abandons her Twitch again. Alex tiktok reposts 'My entire friendship group abandoned me because my ex husband fed them lies and they cut me off without even trying to ask me my version of events' and 'Theres nothing louder than the silence between two people who were in love but stopped because one of them couldn't get their priorities straight which forced the other one to choose themself even though they didn't want to leave.' Lucy posts addressing the drama of having personal and professional life blasted and lied about and her boyfriend Max on the record was his idea to go to TAZ Sep 2022.
*Mar 2024 to May 2024 * Alex says depression hit so hard after the divorce. Alex hates fn internet starting gossip like Mar24 2023 photo, 'oh my God she's in bed with a man that's not her husband, this is my dog [dog who didn't live in Tasmania then and dog with not long curly hair]. End of Mar visited Sydney 'Mar23 Sydney bound and not feeling stressed, scared, anxious or terrified of my visit. which is a welcome change. I feel like I'm genuinely healing', then posts multiple Tasmania is better, friends suck, husbands suck, etc ... but did appear to go out about a meal a day. Alex spent many many hours with Claye on his twitch stream, but only went on her own twitch for 1 session Apr15. Starts Twitch and Youtube reuse footage reattempt May 16.
--DIAGNOSIS--
Diagnosis stated by Alex with Doctors include Neurodivergent with OCD, ADHD, CPTSD, Anxiety Discorder, psych thought may have bipolar, Hyponatremia, Serotonin Syndrome, Broke Nose 5 times as kid, Nose job 1: Rhinoplasty and Septoplasty, Staph Infection, Nose job 2: Revision Septoplasty, Boob job implants, Forehead Botox, Lockjaw Botox, Lip Filler, Galbladder issues, undisclosed previous surgery, different undisclosed surgery, Kidney failure, colonoscopy, endoscopy, in hospital for physical reasons about once a year, posted multiple during first year in Taz, Needing dental work, needing to save for sponsorship Braun Korea another nose surgery needed revision to breath properly, Autism, Trauma response, etc
Diagnosis stated by Alex herself include Eating issues, Drinking issues, Medication issues, Vitamin issues, homeopathic/alternative medicine issues, Dysgraphia, Celiac only as a kid, panic attacks, Fatigue, anemic, poor personal Hygiene, Unkempt living conditions, decontamination ocd, never washes own clothes, Hoarding, obsessed with collections, Needs animals for comfort, hates sound of chewing and licking, flavomouth sensibility, sleeping issues, songs stuck in head, freaks out if someone touches her mess, tore at herself 'accidently sh', destroys nails, executive dysfunction, lack of motivation, damaged metabolism, body dysmorphia, Generational Trauma, Depression, Low Point Ideation, Hoarding, Shopping addiction, Hyperfixations, Loses Track of Time, Always Late, Can't Prioritize, Easily Distracted, Forgetful, If thinks about something too much can't do it, Cry all the Time, Likes to Talk, Constantly uses Alliteration, Finding signs in things, Notices numbers, counting things, Assumes everyone thinks the way she thinks, Overpromises because likes Challenge, Tiktok social media addiction, Self diagnosing POTS [Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome] and EDS [Ehlers-Danlos syndrome], NOT Manic
Note Alex stated on mental health medication, has Sydney psychiatrist who zoomed and then retired, and is NOT having like therapy as far as like a psychologist. May 2024 stated has both psychiatrist and psychologist now.
Alex has stated multiple low point ideation, and medications from First battled with Ritalin, Dexamphetamine, Concerta and Vyvanse then Luvox Fluvoxamine (did not like Movox), Dexamphetamine, and Valium (diazepam) then Alex confirmed although stopped Fluvaxamine, trailed with Prozac, then with Zoloft, however confirmed stopped taking Strattera for ADHD. Apr 2024 does not have an active adhd script, 20mg Prozac for OCD, never therapy.
Note Alex stated her medications should not be combined with alchohol, but states herself heavy drinking in Sydney, drank during multiple Twitch streams in TAZ, and continuously post alchohol on instagram. As well Alex stated should not have caffeine with Anxiety, but shown coffee many times.
--KNOWN LIES--
Note Alex has been caught lying with things like hair in TAZ bed supposedly being dog when dog lived in SYD, like blue jacket in lingerie photo was hers when 2 days after posting Claye was wearing jacket, like saying she was wearing Clayes clothes the day SYD house sold because she couldnt afford her own clothes when already showed many many outfits including lingerie in TAZ, like so many posts about Dan moving to TAZ that were actually post separation, like saying moving to Launceston area to be near her in laws Jan 2023 when Dan's parents near SYD and Claye's parents near Launceston before announcing seperation in Apr 2023, like saying she spent her entire savings on nose job in video posted the same month she bought downpayment mortgage $1.2M SYD house, 'hiding' nose job, 'hiding' boob job, 'hiding' lip filler, 'hiding' drastic weight loss in early uni, 'hiding' dog, 'hiding' Claye, 'hiding' seperation from Dan, like posting photo of kitchen when it wasn't her kitchen or her photo and photo was just posted online so it was also not her inspiration, like saying she wouldn't throw around a word like manic and continuously make manic jokes, like saying she was working a job in TAZ when streaming all the time Jul Aug 2023, like saying twitch viewers made her second discord when it was Claye, like saying she never films without permission and showing she does, like saying Jul 2023 now at peace with divorce does not want to bring it up again and bringing it up constantly, like saying she only left SYD house 6 times in 2 years of covid for doctors appointments when PPP videos show otherwise, like sayings it ok she drives with birds free in the car because she knows birds when Nov 2022 she had just picked up rescue birds she didnt know and had only had pigeons who she says act very differently for a few weeks, like saying her landlord must have entered the property Dec 2022 to find birds flying free when Alex had previously posted it on instagram, like the over 18 months of Archie moving back to her soon and only with trainer at the moment 15 months, like the over the year her cat is not actually living with her, like saying Dan fed all of her friends lies with no proof, like changing her go fund me wording from land for a bird rescue a few weeks later to rehabilitate and rehome her birds, like saying tons of times she moved Oct 2023 when Apr 2024 she said she never moved, like saying doctor said she shouldn't drink alchohol while many times drinking alchohol, like posting happiest she's ever been and later saying same time was lowest point period of immense grief, like saying I defintelty added fuel to the fire by posting some troll stories to confuse the conspiracy theorists, like constantly self diagnosing as fact, like she will post/stream soon, like PPP was just a personna, etc
--NOTES--
Note Alex did User Generated Content / Reposts for Liquid Luxury everlasting rose, Candy Lipz pouty lip, Talona watches, Brillant Smile opalescence go, Body Shop #spaathome, Swatch #yourmove, etc.
Note Alex did Sponsored / Gifted / Affiliate Linked / Content Exchange for Hello Fresh, Honey, Audible, Skillshare, YesStyle, White Fox Boutique, Princess Polly, Cider, Buyee, FromJapan, Boohoo, Cupshe, Honeybum, Lamoda Shoes, Yoins, AliExpress, Dolls kill, Lupsona, Romwe, Youvimi, Unzzy, Zaful, Meshki, Casetify, Function of Beauty, Depop, Sam Marcel, Bake a Cake Game, Google, Hair Salon Nalu, Express Vpn, Mac cosmetics, guerlain, moonnami.shop, nail_by_cindy, colour pop cosmetics, grafea, the 5th, koi footwear etc.
Note Alex stated used to work as coffee barista, candle maker to sell at markets, makeup/skin care mlm, at camera shop, wedding photography, portraiture (headshots for actors, portfolio shots for models, baby photos, family photos etc) food photos for cafes and restaurants, landscape photos, at Yahoo in Marketing, user generated content, and of course Youtuber. Alex stated working in Tasmania, not sure doing what or when.
Note Alex as Teen into goth, rock, emo, punk, birds, photography, modeling, makeup, singing, Japan. Note Alex stated visted Japan several times [2009, 2012, 2014, 2015, 2018, 2019, 2020], Scotland, England, Israel, New Zealand, Hawaii.
Note Alex is a Virgo. Alex 16 personalities type is A Mediator (INFP) is someone who possesses the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Prospecting personality traits. These rare personality types tend to be quiet, open-minded, and imaginative, and they apply a caring and creative approach to everything they do ... inventing all sorts of stories and conversations in their mind ... have profound emotional responses ... long for deep, soulful relationship.
Note Alex stated she is Ace Straight Monogamous with only 3 previous boyfriends: Aaron in high school, Sam late high school into college, and Dan late college through 20s. Alex stated NOT dating Claye Jul 2023, but did have at least 2 dates with a woman Oct 2023.
--CONTENT PROMISED--
Youtube sponsorships abandoned include HelloFresh, YesStyle, Native, Function of Beauty SkinCare, Depop, PrincessPolly, Halara, WhiteFox, BlackMilk
Youtube content abandoned includes boob job part 2, nose job 2 revision, thrifting unboxing, Temu cursed item unboxing, Jaclyn Hill Contained Lipstick lab results, Bushfire fundraiser event, House Huntsman Spider, 10 Step Korean Hair Routine, Trying Different Red Hair Dyes, Mixing 16 Blue hair dyes together, Curly Girl Hair Routine, 500 dollar Face Care Moisturizer, Buyee Gucci Part 2, How to use Buyee, How to authenticate Luxury bags, Cottage Renovation, Decorating with facebook marketplace items, 2023 61 packages in 61 days, 2022 vlogmas, 2022 rest of 100+ Parsels Series, Jan 2022 not everyday daily vlogs, rest of Archive Japan 2019, Best Places to Visit in Tasmania, Taste of Tasmania Series, Thrifting Tour of Tasmania, Tip shop tour of Tasmania Series, Archie Bird Training Videos Series with Nellie, Bird Training with BirdTricks Youtube, Vegan food of Tasmania, Favorite Chicken Breed video, Dog Talking With Buttons video, Olaplex, Glow Recipe skin products, Taking Brad Mondos hair advice, My husband packs my holiday bag, Yesstyle advent calendar skin care, building ikea wardrobe, wish items years later, wish gardening part 2, I.Am.Gia haul, Zara haul, Thrifting designer, going through tabs on phone, going through notes app on phone, wish tent into aviary, kitchen remodel Sydney, making over Dan's office, guest bedroom makeover again, yesstyle haul with Bek, flies friend group to Japan, Another Arden video, other 2 Closet Clean outs, bibia shoes, shop for someone on discord showpo haul, Wig Part 2, Wig Part 3, Wearing shoes from Wish for a week, 10 pieces from each decade vintage video series, Hair Regrowth Journey, Goth Haul, Fairy Core Haul, Mermaid Core Haul, Vintage/Retro Haul, Y2K Haul, Outfit based on early 2000s magazine, Comments recommend outfits to thrift, Teaching Photography, ADHD Helpers, Mental Diagnosis Journey, recreate some content from well known daily/family vloggers, whatever not listed above in already filmed 30 to 35 archive videos
Other content abandoned includes Twitch, Moving Twitch VODs to Youtube channel, Instagram, Tiktok, Discord, Depop, Redbubble, Bird Photography Book, Bird Sanctuary, etc, etc, etc
--KNOWN CONTENT DELETED--
Any videos before oldest public Dec 23 2017, as channel created Feb 24 2008 * Oct 21 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease body double with me while I clean my room ADHD & OCD [filmed ~Oct 19] * Oct 25 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelSideQuest they made me cry (100 thrifted parcels in 100 days: day 38) [Hobart Fan Meetup filmed ~Oct 24] * Dec 1 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease I went to a cat themed thrift shop!Thriftmas 2022: Day 1 [filmed ~Dec 1] * Dec 3 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease I spent $50 on a vintage sewing machine (and now my life is chaos) [filmed ~Dec 2] * Dec 5 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease very sexy thrifted clothing haul 2022 (deleted) [Lingerie in front of Hobart fans including male filmed ~Dec 4] * Dec 6 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease Foot Pedal [filmed ~Dec 5] * Dec 9 2022 Youtube PrettyPastelSideQuest Asking an AI to write [erotic] fanfic about my ex boyfriend [Sam] and my husband [Dan] [filmed ~Dec 8] * Jan 16 2023 Youtube PrettyPastelPlease $500 PASTEL GOTH YESSTYLE HAUL AND TRY ON!!! CHEAP KOREAN FASHION: [completely disrespectful to brand sponsored vide filmed ~Dec early]
--SUMMARY EVERYONE IS THEIR OWN CHARACTER--
Alex / Pretty Pastel Please / Main Character / Sydney to Tasmania

• Dan / Ex-husband Ex-roomate/ Ex-friend / Offline / Sydney
• Sam / Ex-boyfriend Ex-bestfriend Ex-Roommate / Rare Instagram Comments / Sydney
• Michelle / Ex-friend Ex-roomate Ex-fan / Sam's partner / Only Likes / Sydney
• Caitlyn / Ex-friend / Rare Instagram Only / Sydney
• LucyLivin / Ex-peer Ex-friend Ex-employee / Youtube / Brisbane to Sydney
• Alex's Parents / Parents / Offline / Sydney
• Tash / Childhood Friend / Instagram / Melbourne
• ClayePigeon / New Bestfriend / Twitch and Youtube / Tasmania
• Nellie / New Friend Bird Expert / Instagram / Tasmania
• Arden / Claye's Ex-Fiance / Alex Ex-Fan / No comment / Tasmania
• Zeke / Claye's Ex-Partner / Alex Ex-Fan / Instagram hints / Tasmania
• [Mainland Australia previous friends no longer mentioned and do not comment include Tiasha, Millie, Grace, Max, etc]
• [Tasmania new and previous friends no longer mentioned or comment include Jenny, Hannah, etc]
• Alex pets now with other people include Archie the parrot [due to going psycho towards Alex], Ted the ragdoll cat [never lived at cottage?], Charlie the Galah Cockatoo [due to going psycho towards Alex], Lola the rooster [due to Sydney guidelines], Holly the ringtailed dove [due to Tasmania guidelines] etc.
• Alex pets include 50+ pigeons, 50+ chickens, 23+ ducks, 3 guinea fowl, 3 dogs, 1 pet of 3 meters [cow?] etc.

--LINKS--
Website

• prettypastelplease.com
• theright.fit/creatopretty-pastel-please

Youtube Main

• Pretty Pastel Please Main
• Pretty Pastel Side Quest Vlog

Instagram

• PrettyPastelPlease
• PrettyPastelPigeons
• PrettyPastelProjects
• PrettyPastelPhotography
• PrettyPastelPlants
• ArchieEclectus
• GothGirlRaven.ttv
• CabinPressure13??? [Trolled GG PPP]
• dummy account(s)

Twitch

• prettypastelplease
• gothgirlraven

Tiktok

• prettypastelpls
• gamergothgirl??

Twitter

• prettypastelplease

Reddit

• prettypastelplease
• ComfortableAthlete53??? [Trolled Reddit PPP]

GG

• 69beastar69??? [Trolled GG PPP]

Facebook

• prettypastelplease
• dummy account(s)

Depop

• Prettypastelplease

Ebay

• dummy account(s)

Redbubble

• prettypastelplease
• dummy account(s)

DeviantArt

• prettypastelplease
• dummy account(s)

Blogspot/Blogger

• dummy account(s)

Pinterest

• dummy account(s)
• dummy account(s)

Etsy

• Sold Out Pins

Discord

• PrettyPastelSideQuest Discord Closed
• Twitch Discord

Gofundme

• Bird Rescue - Frozen and Refunded
• Bushfire Fundraiser - Closed and Donated

Thanks ALL POSTERS information merged together, derived mostly from Alex's own posts. Please excuse any mistakes due to timezone, Alex jumping around time with posts, trolling, happiest she has ever been and low point of life, also what Alex says is one side of story.

  They sat eating the last meal they would ever share together. Meredith Patterson was an esteemed seal researcher. Jim Patterson was a rich retired software developer. By all accounts they had been the perfect married couple.
 
  Jim cried over the arugula and baked beet salad he’d prepared for dinner.
 
  “You’ve lost it, Mer. We can’t continue as if what we’re doing is normal,” he whimpered. A leaf of soggy, half eaten arugula clung to the corner of his mouth.
 
  “Hon, I thought we talked about this and agreed that it was acceptable to continue with the research,”she replied.
 
  “No! It’s demonic and it’s gone beyond the realm of science!”
 
  “Well, what do you want me to do?! You want me to quickly lobotomize them after we’ve conducted the interviews?” She broke a piece of baked bread in half. Jim cringed at the noise. It sounded like breaking bone.
 
  “No Mer, it’s simpler. I just want us to stop.”
 
  “Impossible. We’ll come up with better methods after we publish, I promise. But I must collect data, and I must put out a paper, before John Fanetti makes advances in seal human communication ahead of me.”
 
  Three months earlier, Meredith had received four monk seals in a shipment from the Adriatic. They were now housed in a series of compartmentalized research pools built into the hillside below the Patterson’s sprawling brutalist home. Recently, Meredith had started a battery of new vocalization experiments on the monk seals, and in the last 4 days she’d discovered an unbelievable fact— if you dosed these particular Adriatic monk seals with enough amphetamines, you could get them to speak. Meredith administered the amphetamines by cutting open a dead fish and placing the pills inside it. The seals took the fish almost every time.
 
  After the first seal started speaking, Meredith had excused her research assistant who she suspected of being a spy for her professional nemesis, the aforementioned John Finetti of Princeton’s Aquatic Research Center. She replaced her assistant with her husband, Jim. Jim’s job was to hold the video camera for documentation and help with any heavy lifting. Meredith had stressed the need for extreme confidentiality with Jim. She explained that they were on the hallowed scientific ground of a new discovery, and that it was important to keep the operation small and discreet for the first few iterations of experiments. That was fine with Jim, he was honored to be working with his wife. Everything was fine with Jim, until they killed the first seal.
 
  B27 was the subject label that Meredith gave the first seal. It was a 400 pound female. When the seal spoke, she sounded like a barfly who’d cultivated a two pack a day habit. Jim had never hung around a woman like that, but he knew they existed and he’d always wondered about them. After the second amphetamine aided interview concluded, B27 began emitting continuous sobbing sounds. Meredith got one word out of the seal in between its moans. The word was S-A-D. Meredith hadn’t anticipated an issue with a seal experiencing a bad amphetamine come-down. She couldn’t relate. Meredith herself took sixty milligrams of Ritalin a day and she never felt anything other than a steady plateau of exuberance. Nonetheless, she began administering increasing doses of Valium to the animals after each interview to staunch the possible depressive episodes the amphetamines seemed to cause. Fortunately, the Valium seemed to help B27 out of her post amphetamine funk following the second interview session.
 
  For B27’s third interview, Meredith administered 5000 milligrams of amphetamine. It was a revelatory interview. The seal answered a series of basic arithmetic questions and got ninety percent of the answers correct. When the interview was over, B27 was given a corresponding dose of Valium. Meredith and Jim watched in horror as the Valium proved ineffective. Jim panned down with the camera as the seal sank to the bottom of the pool. In an effort to help, Meredith opened one of the adjoining compartmental pools to let a fellow seal (E30) comfort B27. This did not work. Moments later, B27 repetitively rammed her head against the pool’s southern wall. The water went pink with blood and it was over fast. A suicidal seal is a determined animal. Meredith used an aquatic pettibone crane to pull the body from the depths. Jim grabbed two shovels from the garage. They buried the seal in a plot of marigolds just past the edge of the concrete pool deck.
 
  Jim voiced his ethical concerns while burying B27 and Meredith was receptive. They agreed to take a day to “talk things through.” Their day of talk seemed constructive— Jim and Meredith had agreed that if seals were far more sentient than people had previously understood, then pains must be taken to preserve their rights while they were being tested. Meredith agreed that different (milder) variants of stimulants would be tried on the remaining test subjects to figure out the right recipe for safe, ethical success. Jim had consented to continuing the research with the understanding that if they could not find suitable alternatives, they would stop before they killed the second seal.
 
  Their agreement had been no good when it came time to admit that the second seal, (C28), was not responding to the alternative stimulants that Meredith had administered to him. Caffeine, nicotine, and massive amounts of sugar failed to elicit any form of recognizable vocal response. It was at this juncture that Jim and Meredith got into an argument on the pool deck. Meredith admitted that she was determined to feed a seal anything if it induced talking from that seal. She tried to placate Jim with reassurances of scientific justification. She touched him gently throughout the argument, she made sure to continue caressing his shoulders as she got around to yelling at him. Eventually he caved, as he always did with her. They had sex that night, hours after she’d administered the third lethal dose of amphetamines to C28. Jim felt nothing as Meredith humped him. It was as if he was out of his body, simply watching a man he recognized have sex with a mildly attractive middle aged woman.
 
  The third seal was a singer. It possessed the voice of a choir boy. When it sang, Jim was reminded of his days in catholic school choir. Meredith called it D29, but under his breath Jim whispered the name Michael to the video camera. It was his one subtle act of defiance.
 
  Michael the seal knew that he was going to die. He’d been confined to his compartmentalized pool during the other seals’ interview trials, but he knew that they were gone. He explained to Meredith that smarter seals sense the silence of death. She scribbled this down on her note pad and asked him to elaborate on this point. He wouldn’t elaborate, all he would do was sing. He sang Gregorian Chants in an angelic soprano voice. He was talented.
 
  Meredith could not get Michael to comply after the first dose of amphetamines. He wouldn’t eat any more fish. Meredith switched up her tactics for the second dose and used a liquid amphetamine that she jabbed into Michael with a pole syringe. Out of spite, she didn’t give the seal any Valium on his second amphetamine come-down. Michael didn’t do very well after that. He slapped his flippers against the pool’s edge in a rage. The seal barked and growled at Meredith as the amphetamines wore off. Jim pleaded with Meredith to give the seal something but she wouldn’t. Jim could barely believe what he was witnessing. This brutal side of Meredith was completely new to him. At 5:30PM, Jim left Meredith by the pool to finish off her last bit of observational notes. The third dose had been administered, and the seal was at the bottom of the pool.
 
  Jim showered in the master bathroom’s perfectly crafted tile shower. He scrubbed his body vigorously with the expensive sage soap that Meredith had purchased at a fancy bath boutique. Unfortunately, the more he scrubbed the dirtier he felt. The soap reminded him of her and the savage way she treated the talking seals. He knew the singing seal, Michael, was probably dead by now. Jim got out of the shower and looked at himself in the giant bathroom mirrors. His head was throbbing. He opened a drawer below the sink. He found the Advil. Beside the Advil he noticed a small bottle of prescription Valium. He took two Advil and pocketed the bottle of Valium.
 
  He dressed quickly. He put on a pair of expensive khakis that Meredith had bought for him and donned a Hawaiian shirt, then he walked to his personal office down the hall. He made three telephone calls to local moving companies. The third moving company accepted his job immediately. He was informed that they specialized in quick, large, and dirty moves. He gave his address and his credit card information to a pleasant female receptionist with a heavy slavic accent. He confirmed the time of the moving team’s arrival then hung up the phone. He believed that the movers would be surprised, but that they would do the job once he offered them more payment in cash. He went downstairs to start cooking.
 
  He prepared dinner lovingly. He’d found beets, lettuce, and tomatoes in the produce drawer of the refrigerator. He seasoned the beets with garlic salt and thyme— Meredith’s favorite. He put them in the oven along with a baguette he wanted to toast. He thoroughly washed the lettuce for a salad and diced the tomatoes. Lastly, he took two cartons of partially consumed ice cream from the freezer. He scooped the remaining mint chip and vanilla into a blender and added a cup of milk. After he’d set the blended shakes in the refrigerator to chill, he made himself a whiskey.
 
  Meredith came into the kitchen just as Jim was putting the seasoned beets on the salad and adding a dressing. Over dinner, the couple had the fight that Jim had been anticipated. He’d always known that Meredith had her dark moments, but up until this point they’d been manageable. In the last couple of days he’d witnessed something that went beyond the reasonable realm of dark, moody moments. The seal experiment had shown him an evil in his wife that he’d missed for ten steady years of marriage. He was stunned after their words had been exchanged over dinner, but he had a plan. He stirred the remains of his salad around his bowl.
 
  He eyed her bowl, it was almost empty. He put on a smile.
 
  “I made you something special in celebration of your discovery.”
 
  “Really?,” she said. Jim’s quick change in tone caught her off guard after their fight, but it wasn’t unusual for Jim to be conciliatory. They'd always fought and made up.
 
  Jim went to the refrigerator and took out the two glass cups of milkshake. He gave her the larger of the two. She took a sip and grunted in approval. Meredith was not a greedy eater, with the exception of ice cream. She devoured ice cream. Jim took modest sips and waited.
 
“Meredith, the third seal, Michael, has a beautiful singing voice.”
 
  “You mean D29. It does not have a name, Jim. It is a test subject. We can’t get attached or anthropomorphize. It’s incorrect. And yes, he had a beautiful voice.”
 
  Jim wanted to reach across the table and strangle her. He took a long pull on his milkshake which induced a brain freeze.
 
  “You know, you are a good assistant, hon. And I apologize for fighting.” she continued, “ It’s just important that we stay the course because we’re getting very important results. Do you understand?”
 
  He nodded his head as he endured the burning cold of his headache. She leaned over the table and kissed him with her ice cream lips. They sat there for a few minutes and then she said that she was very tired and needed to go upstairs to rest.
 
  “I’ll do the dishes, Mer. No need to worry about them. You’ve had a long day.” He’d put six Valium pills in her milkshake.
 
  He did the dishes slowly, enjoying the process of having his hands in the beautiful concrete sink of their kitchen. They had hired a special designer just for the kitchen sink. Jim imagined that when the divorce came, Meredith would try to keep the house. He’d probably let her have it.
 
  After he’d finished the dishes, he tiptoed upstairs. He found Meredith face down on the carpet of their master bedroom. He decided to leave her be. He went to the closet to find his boots. There was one Adriatic seal left alive, and Jim was determined to get it back into the sea. It was going to be a long night.

slowly after this point, is very much of a blur. i started making a regular trip to a king soopers, perfecting my run and would get 4 boxes of the mucinex, and would get the extra large packs. i absolutely loved taking it in the mornings before school. i would be floating above my desk, fucking loving the music i was playing and acting manic as fuck. i would hit dab pens off this shit, and smoke a lot while on dxm. i was geeked out 24/7. i remember i ran out of dxm one week, so i stole my old ritalin prescription and started taking a shit ton of those. i would also take my parents alcohol and mix those and it was quite fun. i ended up going three full days without sleep, drunk and ritalined those entire days. i started hallucinating from sleep deprivation, and i thought it would be a fantastic idea to go too school with a huge hydro flask filled to the brim with straight tequila. i had drank half of it by lunch, and i got word that i was going to be searched soon. when i am in addiction, i absolutely cannot waste a single bit of a substance. and i was not about to pour this down the toilet. so i chugged the rest of it. all of it. i got searched, was extremely fucked up and got a minor in possession charge. i went to the mental hospital for the first time because of that too. around this time i started self harming bad as well. this was about thanksgiving time of 2021. this is when the decent started. i was using more than ever, and i discovered delsym. it has a different type of dxm in it that lasts much longer. and to me, was a more clean high. i was completely out of control, and having friends that were just as addicted to drugs as me tell me they are concerned and that i should slow down. i guess i always told them, “it makes me feel like a kid again and that’s all i’ve ever wanted”. i had almost eight boxes of the extra large packs of mucinex in a ziplock baggie, and it looked surreal seeing that much dxm in one bag. it was hundreds. a normal night for me would be, at 8 pm i would drink 3 quarters of a large delsym bottle ( 900mg of dxm in each bottle) and then i would take 5 mucinex at around 1 am, and then between then and the morning i would finish the delsym bottle and maybe smoke some weed and then in the morning i would take 4 mucinex at around 10 am. a lot of people thought i was on xanax or heroin because of how i looked and acted. right before everything happened, i had a close childhood friend
shortly after this event, is the bender that almost ended my existence. my memory is extremely shot of this time period, but i will try my best to recollect. i don’t know quite when it started, but one day i decided i will go on a bender. i wanted to go further and further with dxm, and my judgment was too clouded to consider the consequences. i stocked up on a lot of delsym and mucinex, and started my trip. i drank the whole bottle of delsym in 30 seconds, loaded up apex legends and started blasting music like i usually do until i enter the shadow realm. i would always get so much euphoria from dxm. it’s like what everyone would describe molly to be. that’s how it affected me and i was so far in deep in such a short amount of time. from that first bottle of delsym, i would just keep on redosing. everytime i would feel myself coming down, i would take more. i would feel the delsym wear off at 9am, i would take 5 mucinex at 10am that type of thing. i did this for almost two weeks. i kept on getting higher and higher each time i did it so i kept going. i was borderline incoherent, and was having intense visuals and body sensations. i would sit down in my desk and was quite suprised to feel myself falling through the floor and spinning. when i would close my eyes i literally was on one of those roller coasters that makes you spin forward and backwards. like not exaggerating at all i had that same exact sensation while i was sitting still. i would smoke weed and drink alcohol while doing all this dxm, as well as occasionally taking my anti depressants in between. i had horrifying experiences with my heart and skin color, and had random people come up to me asking if i was good. i kept going. redosing and redosing. it got to the point where my parents where threatening rehab through the same IOP company, and we’re trying to stop me. one night i got so fucked up i blacked out and showed them my bag of mucinex under my shoe sole in my room. and woke up to that. then the week happened. i was in an ambulance 3 times in one week. the first occurrence, i got way too drunk at someone’s house and they came and dragged me into the car and i was puking with every breath. i apparently ran from the car when we got to the hospital but i didn’t get very far in my state obviously. they said i had minor alcohol poisoning, but not bad enough to pump my stomach. so then i came home that night and was on house arrest with my parents. i didn’t listen though, and would just leave for many hours at a time and was not going to school at all. i met this random kid at the skate park and introduced him to dxm. i did that a lot when i was strung out on this shit. i would convince people how good it was and that it gets you high as fuck and just would babble about how amazing it is. i was spreading like cancer.

Letter to my psychiatrist:
Look, I'm not okay. This isn't working. I know I mask pretty well, but I'm drowning. I am barely holding it together, if even that.
My life is a mess not because of depression, but because I can't do anything. I'm either so spacey or brain fogged I can't function, or so anxious I have to take hours/days to recover. I can't remember things that used to come easy. The Welbutrin makes it worse because I'm even more fatigued and brain fogged, even if I take it at night. I have so many things I know I could easily problem-solve, but I'm unable to do because the ADHD is crippling.
I'm hanging on by a thread at my job when I used to excel. Organizing my work day or my personal life is a nightmare, if not existent. I can't answer a fucking phone even for a delivery driver without having to calm myself afterward. I'm unable to make a talk therapy appointment because it freaks me out too much. I have good sleep habits and coping strategies on the rare times I'm able to use them, but that's not enough.
I can barely do anything. Making a phone call is physically painful, and I don't understand why. I'm not as anxious about it as I used to be, but I avoid it like the plague anyway. I understand and can combat the anxiety, but that's not enough. It's more than just "oh, I might sound stupid" or something like that anymore, it's way more taxing. It's a hurdle I want to overcome, but I'm paralyzed putting any of my therapy 'skills' into practice.
My house is a mess, and not the "oh no, I forgot to vacuum" type. The "Omg, how can you live like this" type, and I hate it. I can't do this anymore. I have a basement full of clothes I'm too overwhelmed to take care of. I have so much stuff, from various hobbies or impulse decisions, that I want to get rid of but feel entirely too overwhelmed to handle. I know I'm capable of these things, but not with how I "function" right now. I WANT to get rid of so much stuff I've collected over the years, but I'm fucking stuck staring at the mounting problems until I fall harder into despair that I'll never be able to do anything. I want to do so many things that will make my life better, but I'm frozen.
Dishes, ha, fuck that, without major prodding from my husband who is already overwhelmed and anxious in his own health. He's not my fucking babysitter, nor should he ever be. Walking the dog is even a massive chore to accomplish, and more often than not I can't do it. And I love my dog, walking her is fun, but even that requires a Herculean effort I don't currently possess to do consistently. I even want to get a cleaner for myself, so it's easier to manage, but that requires energy to start, not to mention the ability to not feel shame/guilt at how bad it's gotten.
I have so many little moments of shame in physical (laundry/dishes) and mental (phone calls/focus) things every day that kill me because if I hadn't fucked up, once, by having an edible, for a fucking migraine I might add, I could still function and have a modicum of control over my psyche. Original PC, didn't give a flying fuck about me or what I wanted. Dismissed my migraines and refused to up my Ritalin dosage, the first and only time I asked, because she thought I would dose off of it. She insisted that the only choice was Adderall. That's not okay.
I'm expecting to be laid off in the next year and I know I'll be unable to get a new job without help, stimulant or otherwise. I don't want to go back on Adderall, specifically, but I will if it means I can fucking function on a daily basis. I want to be on stimulants again because without them I'm unable to be in control of my life. With what I'm on now I have way more bad days than good. I'm not tired or fucking depressed I'm crippled by my brain's inability to connect my nerves and function like a regular fucking person.
Honestly, I'm angry. One fuck up from a woman who fucks up a lot but owns it and my life turns back into the horror show I spent my teens and 20s in. I spent so long not knowing that I could be functioning that abruptly going back to it has been like being thrown into quick sand. I mean who would've thought my dream goal is to be able to do my laundry without turning into a puddle of executive paralysis.
This sucks and I need help but getting help for me means I have to beg, justify and advocate for myself which is already hard and even worse when you're struggling. I mask and hide all this pretty well I think but it's ruining/ruined my life. I have to fucking beg, scrape, and claw in order to function at the bare minimum. I don't care about the side effects of stimulants as long as I can have my mind back. I don't want to drift unmoored in the vast destruction of my ever failing neurons. Goddess knows that they aren't a cure all and I completely understand that but man I need some damn help.
I have a very hard time being open in these sessions so I don't think you're seeing how much of a waking nightmare this is for me. Masking is so instinctual that I don't even know I'm doing it until moments of great emotional upheaval or reflections in the dark. Being the good little girl who doesn't cause waves just doesn't fucking work. I want to work on this stuff but in order to do that I need medical help. I'm smart and capable, I know this, my self esteem is fine, but I'm unable to use any of those skills because I'm being blocked by my own brain. I'm bottling it all until the dam breaks and by then I have to fight tooth and nail my way back to a modicum of stable. You can't exactly help me if I don't show you how far I'm falling on a daily basis. I'm hitting my breaking point and I need help.

TW: self harm (kinda graphic), abuse
Hi guys, just a quick note before I get into it for anyone who has read my previous posts- we moved out. The new place is lovely. We are safe, my dog is safe, all our stuff is safe, and I'm currently no contact with my mum. I might make a proper update post in the future but honestly it could also never happen, because I'm not upset about it and therefore not really in need of support regarding it. Or if I am upset, I'm repressing it lol.
Also please do not repost, copy or read out my post to any other social media. Thank you!
So I was recently re-diagnosed with ADHD by a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed very early as a child, medicated and everything, so I knew I had it. But I was taken off meds as a teenager (more on that later) and it wasn't until well into adulthood (maybe the last couple years) that I realised I was not "cured" of my ADHD and that, in fact, most of the common symptoms have been plaguing me and making my life difficult. I procrastinated for a while to get rediagnosed and medicated, but within the last year I got a new regular doctor who I felt more comfortable talking to, and he got me a referral to a psychiatrist. Through the process of 1) asking my mum for any documentation from my childhood that proved my diagnosis (which she gave me), 2) attending my appointment and getting rediagnosed and given even more documentation about ADHD, and 3) self reflection and independent research, I have realised my mum has been intentionally making my life a lot worse than it could have been.
Let me start from the beginning, and I'm sorry if I get any of this wrong because I only have second hand knowledge from what people have told me. From the day I was born I was a "difficult" baby. Always crying, climbing out of my crib before I could even walk, nipple biting and refusing milk from a bottle unless it had some sort of sweetener in it (apparently my nan gave me strawberry Nesquik lmao.. I don't know how old I was at that point but oh well, can't do anything about the past now).
As I got older (toddler age now) I got more hyperactive. I was moved into my own room with a single bed and a mattress on the floor to prevent falls from the crib. I was constantly getting injured from running and jumping and climbing. I would take off my clothes and go running around. I couldn't be taken to shops because I would run away. I would torment my brother by getting into his room and destroying his things like fancy lego builds and school projects. We were in a rental so no locks on the doors, he just had to bar his room with his bed a lot. World ending tantrums when I didn't get my way. My family always brings up that I would always purposely urinate myself/on the floor when I didn't get my way. I've seen the demonstration of the crazy look in my eyes as I would pee myself probably a hundred times.
I believe this was also the time period where my mum felt that she couldn't handle me and tried to take her own life. I don't know the details, I think her boyfriend at the time found her and took her to the hospital. I've been told the story, and been around while the story has been told, dozens of times but usually I try to disassociate or mentally block it out because it's pretty traumatic being told that I almost lost my mother and it was my fault. I know it's not "my fault", it's the ADHD, but I can't help but blame myself. Especially when no one really reassures me that it wasn't my fault or that they don't blame me. A lot of these stories are told as if it's really humorous, but all I feel is intense waves of shame and guilt. I feel horrible that my brother had to shut himself up in his room in order to keep his possessions. I feel horrible that my mum, brother and grandparents all had to deal with my crazy behaviours.
I used to laugh along with everyone when the stories were retold but now that I'm older and know it wasn't really my fault, I only feel intense shame and feel like my family will never truly be able to forgive me, I just hope I literally never have to hear any of it again now that I don't talk to my mum. Nan on mum's side is dead, I don't talk to my dad's side of the family due to him being a deadbeat dad and his family members treating me differently than other kids in the family, and ended up cutting them off completely when I learned they'd be voting No in the Australian vote for gay marriage. The only person I still talk to who knows is my brother and I think now that mum won't be around during our interactions he will never have a reason to bring it up.
Note: a lot of what I'm about to say is going to seem like it has more to do with me and my diagnosis than my mother, but I'll explain later in the post why it's relevant to her and this sub
So anyway, can't remember what age I was but definitely below school age so somewhere between 3 - 5, I was diagnosed by a child psychiatrist. I was put on medication, dexamphetamine (this will be very important later), and according to my whole family it was like a switch was flipped and I suddenly went from being a psycho to being "normal". Around this time is where I start to have more memories of my childhood. I remember taking tablets every morning and afternoon, and different ones for bedtime. When I went to school, the lovely receptionist/nurse would call my name over the speaker at lunch time (along with any other kids who needed to take meds) to remind me to come and take my tablets. Thank god for schools who understand. I would never have remembered to take them on my own.
I remember the first ever homework assignment I got - to cut out things from magazines at home that start with the letter A and make a collage. Drawings could also be included. I completed it at home with my mum. And from then on, all the way until highschool, I almost never completed homework. I know now that it was my ADHD. Home was just full of too many distractions. Toys, TV, neighbourhood kids I made friends with. I had no accountability at home, and mum wasn't helping me, so I almost never did it.
As what happens with a lot of ADHD children though, I was labelled as "gifted". I was reading and spelling at a greater level than my peers, and easily picked up mathematics. I always tested well in general. So despite the homework problem, in grades 1 2 and 3 I was placed in "gifted" classes. 3rd grade is where it started to really go downhill though. The homework thing was becoming more of an issue, and it wasn't just that I didn't do it, it was that I forgot I had it entirely. I'll never forget the day I was supposed to give my first ever speech in front of the whole class, I didn't even know it was happening but when every kid in class was called up one by one and they had their little cards and everything, I just had to stand up and admit red-faced that I didn't do it. I also struggled to maintain focus in class and listen to the teacher for long periods of time. I would just start daydreaming and suddenly hours could have passed without me taking in a single thing. I might have been doing that in K-2 as well, I don't really remember, but 3rd grade is where it started being an issue so that's what I remember.
4th grade I was placed in the remedial class, except when we did maths I was sent to another room with another teacher to do advanced maths. I don't remember if 3rd grade taught me the stuff we were doing in 4th, but suddenly I was in a new place with a teacher I didn't feel comfortable with, with a page full of multiple digit multiplication and division placed in front of me. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I was too embarrassed to admit to this teacher who was known as really strict that I didn't understand it, so I did nothing. That lasted a couple weeks until she finally noticed I never turned in work at the end of her class so I was kicked out of gifted maths.
During this time, my nan was hospitalised for almost 2 entire years, and my mum was very absent. She was always either working or at the hospital. She would drag me to the hospital a lot at first even though nan was in a coma. I started reading the Harry Potter books as a form of escape. At that point book 5 had freshly been released. I ended up reading those 5 books so many times that the hardback cover fell off the 5th one. It also didn't help that I was so obsessed with my newly discovered way to escape being stuck at the hospital for literal hours after school, that I started sneakily reading AT school as well. It made my concentration in class suffer even more as I now had a way to completely block out the teachers.
Eventually my mum must have realised it was extremely depressing for a 10 year old to spend every afternoon in a hospital, so I started going to a babysitter after school. She was lovely but overweight and was always indulging my sweet tooth with her amazing baked goods. Also, while mum was spending most of her time with nan in the hospital, we ended up having a lot of fast food dinners, and I had never been put in any sports programs or anything so with no real outlet for exercise I gained a lot of weight. Weight that, even today, I struggle to shake. Back then I didn't understand, but now I do. A big symptom of ADHD is binge eating, and boy did I start doing that as a way to cope. I couldn't help myself. I often stole ice cream out of the freezer and just ate from the tub.
This ended up causing a lot of issues for me, obviously. My 4th grade remedial class was a mixture of 4th and 5th grade kids, so in this group of 30ish kids some were 1 or 2 years older than me. We did a thing one day where we all went into the hallway to use scales to weigh ourselves for some lesson we were doing in class. My teacher sent everyone back into the classroom as we went and she held me back til last. I didn't understand why at the time, but it hit pretty hard when I realised I was the heaviest kid in the whole class. From memory I think it was somewhere between 45 and 49kg (about 100-108lbs).
Anyway 4th and 5th grade continued mostly like this. I scored very well in standardised tests, but when it came to classwork and homework I struggled. At the end of 5th grade my nan finally came out of hospital and my mum took her in, which made us eligible for housing commission (where the government helps pay your rent but you don't REALLY get to choose where you go), so we had to move and I went to a new school. That's when the bullying started. I was fat for my age, tall for my age, and had big bushy brown hair so I earned the nickname "Hagrid" which was humiliating for a 12 year old girl, and most kids treated me like I was toxic sludge. I still had friends, and for the most part I was happy, but my self esteem plummeted. Also, this new school didn't send reminders over the loud speaker for kids to come to the office to have their medication, so I ended up missing a lot of days.
I guess my mum noticed that missing my meds didn't make me go back to being "psycho" like when I was little, so she decided on her own to stop giving me my meds and start giving me fish oil tablets, but kept me on whatever night time medication helped me sleep. She sometimes indicates that my psychiatrist told her I had "grown out of it" due to puberty and for the longest time I believed her. But we had stopped seeing my old psychiatrist when we moved, and the new one we were assigned I only remember going to exactly once, and all he did during that one session was swap me from dexamphetamine to Ritalin (another thing that will be very important later) so surely he couldn't have made that decision. When I moved into highschool (7th grade here) she completely took me off all meds.
It was also during this time that I was expected to start looking after my own personal hygiene (pretty normal for a regular 11, 12, 13 year old, I understand) and instead of semi supervised baths I was now taking completely unsupervised showers. I wish I could explain to you guys what compelled me to do it, I now know it's a very common ADHD thing, but I didn't want to shower so I stopped. At first my mum realised and punished me, so I started turning the shower on and dipping my hair under water in the sink so it looked like I showered. I would fake brushing my teeth, which again she noticed and punished, so I would put a bit of toothpaste in my mouth and swish it around with water so when she smelled my breath it appeared like I had done it. The only thing I couldn't hide was the smells on my underwear. She tried screaming, she tried physical punishment like grabbing my hair and forcing my underwear to my nose to make me smell it, she tried humiliating me by screaming at me in front of other people like her boyfriend(s), her friends who visited, and eventually my own friends. None of it worked. Of course I felt humiliated but that just turned into anger and hurt against her, none of it made me actually want to start keeping myself clean.
Another thing that started happening a lot during this time was screaming matches between myself and my mum. Mum began menopause and her already unmatched anger and verbal abuse only got worse. She had a new boyfriend, who she did eventually end up marrying, but for me that was the 6th man including my own father who had ended up becoming a father figure to me just to never speak to me again after being dumped by my mum, so I rejected him which made her hate me even more. I was tired of getting emotionally attached to the men she dated, hoping and wanting for a father figure who actually loved me, that I just couldn't do it again. It didn't help that this was the first guy she dated with an actual backbone, so any time her and I fought it was both of them against me instead of just her like it used to be. He was an alcoholic too and although he wasn't as quick to anger as my mum was, he also had anger problems so having 2 full grown adults screaming at me with all their rage at least once a week, and having them both scream and fight with each other every other week, really took its toll on me.
I also lost my brother, who up until then had been kind of like a safe haven for me. After being medicated, despite the 10 year age gap we got along really well, and I used to spend hours on end hanging out in his room, watching Buffy or Will and Grace with him, or listening to music. Then, because he was in his early 20s and ready to get away from home, he moved out and it was like I had no escape. No supportive family members to hide with anymore. Everyone else, my mum was easily able to manipulate into thinking I was the only problem. Hell, I'm sure even my brother himself only ever heard about the horrible things I did as a teenager and never the horrible things she did back to me.
I had just begun puberty so on top of raging hormones, I now know that another symptom of ADHD is inability to control my emotions. Any time one or both of them would blow up on me, I would immediately go from neutral to furious and scream back, which only made them angrier. Not to mention it was almost always fights about very common ADHD things like forgetting to do chores, getting bad feedback about homework from my teachers, zoning out in my Harry Potter books or on the computer and not noticing when they were talking to me or calling my name, etc.
Highschool was hell. The bullying from my new primary school continued worse than before since none of my new friends were in the same zoning area for highschool but most of my bullies were. I began self harming with a disposable shaving razor because I had heard people used razorblades and didn't understand that meant that some shavers have blades that can be removed. It was on my wrists and my family for the most part had no idea, thankfully since I was just running a shaver sideways across my skin none of the cuts went very deep and none of then scarred, but I was doing it frequently enough that I almost always had visible fresh cuts or red marks. As I mentioned before, my brother had moved out at this point and had his own adult life to focus on, but once he and his best friend at the time came for a visit. They might have been there to babysit me too since I know my mum wasn't home. And they discovered the cuts on my wrists. I begged them not to tell mum, which they didn't (or if they did she never brought it up), and my brother had a talk with me where he asked me to stop. I lied and said I would. But he wasn't really home much so he didn't know I continued.
But kids from school noticed. I had such low self esteem from being bullied AND from the treatment I had received at home for my entire life leading up to that point (not talking about most of it here since it's not really to do with my diagnosis, but I did touch on it a bit in previous posts and have been/will be going into some detail in this post) that I was desperate for any kind of approval, even if it came from kids that were mean to me. One day a group of my bullies cornered me in the playground and were egging me on to self harm, acting like they thought it was very cool, so I pulled out my shaving razor and showed them me cutting myself. Goddamn, looking back on it now fills me with so much shame. At the time it made so much sense. Until I actually did it.
Suddenly, the bullies were screaming, laughing at me, making fun of me. A crowd formed around me in an instant that I swear was at least half the school, even most of the older kids clamouring to look. My friends who were with me at the time understandably ran the fuck away, coz who wants to be caught up in that? I was really embarrassed and tried to disassociate, packing up my stuff and attempting to leave, but teachers found out what had happened pretty quickly and I was taken to the closest staff room (the P.E. staffroom). The staff were really nice, since I was only half way through my first year none of them really knew who I was but they gave me some water and talked to me and helped me feel better. Until I got the bad news. Even though it was just a disposable shaving razor, it was considered the same as bringing a weapon to school since I used it to harm myself, and I'd have to be suspended from school for the rest of the week. In addition, they'd have to tell my mum.
I was beside myself. I cried and begged and promised I'd never do it again. But it was a decision I couldn't change. My mum was called, told the situation, and left work to pick me up. I will never, ever forget that car ride home. She quite angrily and violently grabbed my wrists to have a look. Then she shoved my arm away. She said "what the hell have you been doing that to yourself for?". I shrugged. She said "well you have no fucking reason to be doing shit like that". She said other stuff that I can't quote exactly, the first 2 things stand out in my memory so I can quote them but the rest was just talking about how I have a good life and there's no way I'm depressed and that I need to cut that shit out. Shaming me for feeling this way despite "not having a bad life".
And like, I'll admit, in the grand scheme of things and in the way she considers life, I did have a pretty good one. At this point nan had moved out so we moved out of the housing commission house and into her new bf's family home. They had to pay his sister for her half of the inheritance so they had a mortgage but this was the first and only home mum ever had that wasn't rented. Mum had a better job that paid more and allowed her to sit down. I got almost anything I asked for for birthdays and Christmases. Her bf was able to afford braces for me. We became like upper middle class and that, to her, was a good life. So how dare I imply she wasn't giving me a good life by being depressed?
But anyway, the self harming continued all through highschool, except I got better at hiding it. I adopted the emo style so I was always wearing something like studded bracelets, checkered arm bands or long hoodies that covered up the cuts. I did have to go to counselling through most of highschool especially since the teachers kept finding out I was still self harming, but I don't think they told my mum again since she never brought it up again. So I was able to just lie my way through counselling. I never told that counsellor a single one of my problems, which I now deeply regret because I may have been able to get back on medication if I was truthful about how much I was struggling. But I shrugged it off. I spent most of my sessions laughing or joking or smirking. Pretending to everyone I was fine and I was self harming because it "looked cool" and was "emo aesthetic". I even convinced myself of this. Internal thoughts that were basically "well I'm cutting across not down which means I'm not trying to kill myself, so that means I'm not actually depressed".
My grades started to go down the drain as the years went on. I still tested well, in all my standardised tests I was scoring in the top percentile, especially English and Maths. But my lack of homework, inability to complete assignments, and inability to focus in class were affecting my grades. I spent a lot of class time either drawing little emo cartoons or writing lyrics of depressing songs in my books, and even if they stopped me doing that I would just disassociate and start daydreaming instead of listening. I was completely unable to focus on the teachers and suffered immensely in subjects like History and Geography where there were long sessions of just teacher talking and reading from workbooks.
And high school was a lot different to primary school in that primary had almost all your time in the same classroom with the same teachers, but high school had periods and after every period you'd have to move to a new class with a new teacher. I would forget my diary with my schedule in it a LOT so I would forget where I needed to go, and would be either consistently late or skip a class entirely just because I couldn't remember where I needed to be and I was too scared to ask. I had a small group of friends, so sometimes they were able to help me remember where to go, but most of my classes unfortunately weren't with my friends and even the kids who weren't bullies treated me like a total freak so I didn't feel comfortable asking them either.
In grade 7 my worst half yearly/end of year reports were Cs. By grade 10 I didn't have a single A, and had mostly Ds. My school didn't really do Fs so I was bringing home report cards that were basically lowest possible. I started to hide them, but my year supervisor caught on and started sending them to my mum directly. Boy those were some big punishments.
I finished year 10 and in Australia you do an exam called the "School Certificate" at the end of the year which is like proof of attending school. I did pretty well in English and Maths since a lot of it was similar to standardised testing, although did pretty bad on History and Geography, and average on most other subjects. But year 11 and 12 leads to the "High School Certificate" (HSC) which has a lot more weight on it, including which universities (we don't really have college here) you can get into. You pick which subjects you take during these years, with the somewhat exception that you have to choose at least 1 English 1 Math and 1 Science class. I didn't have any idea at that point what kind of career I wanted, let alone what I wanted to do in University. I had no interests and no hobbies other than playing video games. So I just picked out some classes that my friends would also be attending. I also heard that picking a TAFE course (kinda like trade school) earned you some free periods so I picked Certificate 3 in retail (yuck).
Unfortunately, I had a falling out with most of my friends due to my godawful personality as a teenager (maybe more on that another time since, on self reflection and comparing myself now to who I was then, I also blame on my mother's influence), so all those classes I picked were now of no interest to me and I was completely alone almost all day every day except for a couple of people who still sat with me at lunch (my lovely best friend I have mentioned in previous posts being one of them). The teachers were all stressing how important the HSC is and how you can't be slacking off now, you need to take diligent notes and actually study at home (something I had NEVER done for any test).
Very suddenly my TAFE course started and I learned I would be going to a TAFE campus in the city that I had never been to before. I had done some travelling alone on public transport before, but only to places I knew, and with my mum or my friends parents dropping me off at the correct station and meeting me where I was supposed to get off. Back then, smart phones weren't really a thing, and I rarely ever had my own phone anyway because I kept losing them or accidentally forgetting they were in my pocket and breaking them (thanks again ADHD) so I had no way of googling to teach myself how to get there. In retrospect I could have used google on my computer or a school computer, but to me back then the internet was only for socialising. So I ended up skipping my TAFE course for a few weeks.
I managed to scrape by and get away with things for a small period of time, but eventually the TAFE told the school career advisor that I hadn't been showing up. He pulled me into a meeting and asked what was up, but I barely knew this guy. It seemed like everyone else my age had a really good rapport with him because he was helping us learn what to do with our future careers and our studies, but I barely knew him and I'm pretty sure he didn't know who I was either until he called me in because I tried to keep such a low profile. I was already used to brushing off my problems with adults and not asking for help, so I didn't admit that I didn't know how to get there by myself. I don't remember what excuse I gave, but he told me I had to start attending and I agreed.
I was getting extremely overwhelmed, drowning in my own self doubt. I convinced myself I was too stupid for school. I watched everyone around me manage just fine. At the time I believed my ADHD had been "cured" so I didn't even think for a second that that could have something to do with it. I just thought I was dumb and couldn't handle it. So a few weeks into year 11, I dropped out and started working at McDonald's. My mum allowed it, I guess she believed me when I said it was because of bullying and that's what I told everyone else too. I was too ashamed, and my self esteem was far too low by that point, to admit I was a failure. So I just pretended I was sick of being bullied and "ready to be an adult and join the workforce". My mum had also dropped out of school in her year 9, in the 70s when it was a bit more common not to compete highschool, so I think that helped too.
There's not too much to say about my ADHD between then and now, but it definitely kept affecting my life for the worse. Especially since my first job was McDonalds, I was binge eating McDonalds every day and gained a lot of weight that I still haven't dropped because I can't stop eating for dopamine and I can't motivate myself to exercise.
I have struggled in every job I've ever had. My bosses and coworkers think I'm lazy because I lack motivation and initiative. I don't ever know what to do unless I'm told, otherwise I just procrastinate. My phone became my vice for procrastination and I've always been in trouble for using my phone at work. I get bored instantly during down time and I can't help it, I need mental stimulation so I just take it out without thinking.
I have struggled with maintaining relationships and friendships. After school I made a lot of friends at my McDonalds job, but they all fizzled out as the years went on because of the way I treated people. I cheated on every romantic partner I had in real life with people who I only talked to on the internet, because I would get bored or lose interest but procrastinate actually breaking up in the hopes that the other person would do it for me instead to avoid conflict, and get attention from strangers online instead of from my real relationships.
My relationship with my mum kinda improved, I think mostly because her aforementioned BF passed away and she finished getting through menopause. She stopped yelling and screaming at me as much, so I stopped too. We only ever fought if she started it. Which, tbh, she still did, just less often than when I was a teen.
As the years went on I got better at publicly controlling my anger too, and internalising it instead which I know is still bad but at least I wasn't driving people away anymore. I almost never lash out at people anymore and really my mum is the only person now who can send me from 0 to 100. Although I did get worse at controlling other negative emotions. I stopped self harming as a teen but still struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I never did attempt to kill myself but I did start self harming with a knife in my late teens and early 20s, stuff I still have the scars for today.
It wasn't really until the last 6 years that I started getting a better grip on my life. I landed my job in disability support which provides me a lot of mental stimulation through the day, and the chance to be on my phone during downtime without being punished for it. I also met my current SO who understands me more than anyone else has ever tried to, probably because we believe he also has ADHD (undiagnosed). I started being able to stop myself from fighting my mum, choosing my battles and remaining calm even while she screams her head off. Our relationship REALLY improved then which I saw as a good thing, but if you read my other 2 posts here you'll see it obviously wasn't and instead just became codependent.
However I still struggled with some symptoms. With my lack of emotional regulation, I cry at basically the drop of a hat especially in conflict. I also disassociate a lot too, again particularly during conflict, where it's like my throat closes up and I can't speak or give eye contact or even nod or shake my head. Sometimes my SO or my friends will be telling me a story, and even though I want to pay attention, my phone comes out or I start daydreaming and suddenly they've been speaking for 5 minutes and I have no idea what's been said. I've also forgotten so many things. Things I'd love to remember like facts about my friends or fun times we spent together or events I've been to.
My career also suffers sometimes too. My forgetfulness has landed me in trouble a couple times. I'm just lucky I have a forgiving boss, and the fact that the industry as a whole is desperate for workers that I'm nowhere near their worst employee.
These things combined have been the wakeup call I needed. It was obvious now that I was still suffering badly from ADHD symptoms, and it had not only severely affected my life up until this point, but had been affecting those around me. Those who stuck by me through the years, people I loved and cared about, people who I had a duty of care to look after. So, like I said, I spoke to my doctor, got my referral, and off to the psychiatrist I went.
My mum and I were still on speaking terms when the appointment was made, although this happened after my last update here. She did give me all the documentation I needed from childhood, but I still wasn't really talking to her and only did so in order to get the documents I needed. What I read makes me feel sick with anger, and this is why I have been complaining so much about my ADHD symptoms in a sub that's supposed to be about shitty mothers: she knew EVERYTHING!!!
She had documentation that talked about every single symptom I was showing, all through my goddamn life. Every single thing she ever screamed at me about and made me feel shame and ruined my self esteem. The inability to listen or focus, the daydreaming, the messy room, the forgetfulness, the binge eating and weight gain, losing my belongings, the lack of showering or will to keep myself hygienic, even the SELF HARM and SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, specifically regarding teenagers who had been taken off their medication - which I didn't even know until I read it on her documents. She knew it all!!! I have no memories from my child psychiatrist appointments other than sitting in his office playing with his animal toys while him and my mum talked. So I always just thought it was ignorance on her part or not knowing because 90s knowledge on ADHD is a lot different than today's knowledge. I spent a good chunk of the last couple years since I met my SO trying to educate her, and all along she KNEW. She looked me in the face at age 13 and told me I had no reason to be self harming when she KNEW I DID! It drives me fucking crazy.
So not only is there that to be upset about, but after I was rediagnosed and my new psychiatrist - after I told him EVERYTHING - reassured me that almost everything I told him was completely normal for someone with ADHD, he prescribed me with dexamphetamine after discussing the 2 different kinds of meds (the other being Ritalin). He explained how medication SHOULD make me feel and what SHOULD happen to me (along with all the other stuff like side effects and how it might take a while to find the right dose and type). We decided on Dex since I had been on it as a child with seemingly good results.
Except now I've been taking it for almost a whole month, and I realise it's making me fucking worse! It is likely that it worked to make me less hyperactive, which is all my mum cared about, but this shit is turning me into a goddamn zombie! It's supposed to be a stimulant and there are warnings that it will keep you awake if you take it too late in the day, but it makes me tired all the time. What little motivation I used to have to clean my home and myself has vanished.
I'm able to scrape through my work day fine enough, but when I get home and especially on my days off I'm so sleepy! No matter how early I get to bed, if I have a day off or an afternoon shift at work I sleep in until like midday or 1pm, and if I have no obligations I then stay in bed and go back to sleep til my SO gets home. When I get home on early shifts, if my SO isnt home to encourage me to stay awake, I go to bed and sleep until he gets home. I don't even have motivation to game anymore, if he's home and helps me stay awake, all I want to do now is lie down on the couch and scroll my phone while some TV plays in the background to fill the silence. My moods are even worse and I'm crying and getting angry at work more often than I used to.
So OBVIOUSLY, dexamphetamine does nothing for me in terms of motivation, memory, concentration, etc. All it did was remove my hyperactivity by turning me into a mindless tired zombie.
She must have been lying to the psych because I was on the same medication all through childhood, when I did swap psychiatrists and he put me on Ritalin it was probably because he talked more to me than he did to her. I don't remember if I ever even took any of those pills because she swapped me to goddamn fish oil as if that was going to help, and from some research I have heard that any diagnosed person who has the same reaction to dex as I do ends up doing a lot better on Ritalin. Probably something the new psych knew as well and that's why he prescribed it to me.
Another thing, is that when this first appointment happened I had moved out but we were still somewhat on speaking terms because I still needed to collect some things from her house and hadn't redirected my mail yet. She asked me how it went and I told her I was rediagnosed, and then I brought up a lot of the documents SHE had in her possession proving the reasons behind a lot of things I did as a teenager after I was unmedicated. As she always does, she ignored it completely and just focused on something else I also brought up (the supposed "cause" of my ADHD) and talked about that instead.
She then proceeded to tell me something that made my blood boil and distracted me from the aforementioned issues. Something my mum used to bring up all the time to show off how "cool" she is, is that she used to sell or give away my leftover dex pills. The way she used to make it sound was that I would have some left over every month and she would give them to my brother and his friends for partying and clubbing. But that day she must have forgotten her narrative, because when I talked about medication dosage, she told me that she didn't even give me the dose that the child psychiatrist prescribed. She openly admitted that he prescribed me 2 tablets twice a day and she only gave me half a tablet twice a day. She decided on her own to give me one total tablet per day instead of FOUR and THAT was why there were leftovers. It was funny when she used to tell the stories because I believed her in thinking I must not have needed a high dose, but now I know the medication wasnt even fucking working as intended! And I guess she just didn't care that I struggled in school?? That I couldn't do homework or chores like normal kids? In the same way she didn't care that my life declined the moment she took me off the meds completely. As long as I wasn't causing her issues by being hyperactive, that's all that matters.
Anyway, because of everything that was going on and because I still needed some of my possessions from her house, I decided not to tell her off about it. The conversation ended when she very quickly turned it onto herself and how she "cried from relief" when I took my first ever pill, crying emoji included and all, and said she was happy it's "answered some questions for me". I simply didn't respond because anything I could have said at that point would have been fueled by rage.
So anyway, that's my rant for today. I'll be talking to my psych about the meds when I see him next and hopefully try Ritalin, but he may want me to try a higher dose of dex than I have been first which I'm happy to try.
It hurts that so many of my problems growing up could have been avoided. I try not to think about the life I could have had if I actually was able to concentrate in school and go on to university. I'm happy with my life, especially now that she's not in it, but stewing on the "what ifs" that her selfish decisions destroyed has been really messing with me. If she cared about me at all she would have remembered that every single behaviour I exhibited, both during and after medication, was to do with my ADHD. Maybe I would have been shown some more patience and support at home. Maybe she would have worked harder to help me get medicated instead of pushing me down and convincing me I'm just a lazy piece of shit. Maybe I wouldn't be obese with a hundred health issues and body image issues that come with it. Maybe I'd have a high paying job by now in a field I was actually interested in. Maybe I'd have more friends and better self esteem.
TL;DR basically my whole life has sucked thanks to my mum not taking my ADHD diagnosis seriously enough and using it as an excuse to abuse me
Thanks for sticking with me and reading this all. I know it's long but again, I always feel the need to over explain to make SURE people understand the whole picture. So sorry if this got long winded or confusing at parts.
Love and appreciation to you all.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xQpXcOhtgQKPbiNBOXpLNuHouzlxvhMQKJ6PrcjYESc
(Please print out this document, share it with your friends and camps, and repost it to social media. This document is licensed under CC-BY-4.0. I am not a lawyer. This document is not legal advice. If you are ticketed, cited, or arrested, consult with your attorney. There are attorneys who specialize in helping Burners.)

How to deal with cops at Burning Man (2023 update)

by Mark Atwood [mark.atwood@gmail.com](mailto:mark.atwood@gmail.com)

* Do not consent to a search.

Never consent to a search. Say the phrase "I do not consent to a search."
The cops are trained to make you flustered and to "take command" of the situation. Or they can be "polite": "Mind if we take a look around?" Yes, you do mind: "I do not consent to a search."
Even if you think you have nothing for them to find, even if you think you have done nothing wrong, even if you think it will smooth things over in the moment, do not consent to a search.
Never consent to a search of your body, of your clothing, of your possessions, of your car, of the trunk of your car, of your trailer, of your truck, of your RV, of your tent, or of your camp. And of course, never consent to the search of anyone else's property.
The cops will ask the other people in your group, camp, or car, not just the driver or leader. "Mind if we take a look?" You must all sing the same song: "I do not consent to a search." Just one person in your group can screw it up for all of you.
If the cops threaten to arrest you if you won’t let them search, continue to say "I do not consent to a search".
If the cops threaten to bring a sniffing dog, say it again: "I do not consent to a search". They may hold you or threaten to hold you to bring a dog. That is unlawful of them, but they may do it anyway. If they do bring a dog, or happen to have one with them, continue to say “I do not consent to a search”. If they hold you to bring a dog, tell your lawyer that, and put it on the Law Enforcement Feedback Form.
The reason the cops are asking to let them search is because they lack “Probable Cause”. As soon as they think they have “Probable Cause”, they will stop asking, and just search you and your stuff. And probably trash it all as they do. As long as they are still asking, remember “I do not consent to a search”.
They may search anyway. Once they start, no matter what you do or say, they will probably trash your stuff and dump it out on the playa surface. Do not give them consent once they start. Do not help them. Do not open or unlock anything for them. If they trash your stuff or make a mess or dump stuff out on the playa surface, make sure that goes on the Law Enforcement Feedback Form.

* Being Questioned.

Cops can ask you questions.
They can say things like "We're just talking", or "What do you think of ...?", or "Can you help us out?"
You do not have to answer their questions, and you probably shouldn't.

* Drugs.

Never answer any questions about drugs. If they ever say anything about drugs, you didn’t hear them say it, and you say nothing to them in reply.
You never use drugs, you never have drugs, you never provide drugs, you have no idea where to get drugs, you don’t know anyone who has drugs, you do not want drugs, and you do not know anyone who wants drugs.
That includes cannabis in any form in any amount. Cannabis is still not legal on Federal BLM land, not even for medical use. If you get a “ticket” or a “citation” for possession of cannabis and you don’t successfully contest it, it is still a criminal conviction. If you get one of those “tickets”, get a lawyer. There are lawyers that specialize in helping Burners.
If you have a legal prescription to a restricted or Schedule II medication, such as Adderall, Ritalin, Oxycontin, Methadone, Xanax, or Klonopin, keep your pills in their correct prescription bottle and locked up somewhere secure, or directly on your person. Never leave any prescription pill or bottle out. You do not have to tell the cops that you have a prescription, you do not have to answer any questions about why you have a prescription, you do not have to answer any questions about your treatment, diagnosis, or doctor. Do not answer any such questions. They may steal your drugs “for safekeeping”. If they do that, put it on the Law Enforcement Feedback Form, and tell your lawyer that they did.

* Do not lead them to your camp.

They may try to make you lead them to your camp.
They can be very commanding and matter of fact about it. They may say "We are going to your camp." They will make it sound as if you have no choice. You do have a choice, and you are going to choose to not to lead them to your camp. Never lead them to your camp.
If they really insist on you leading them somewhere, then lead them to a Black Rock Ranger outpost, and then introduce them to your good friends the Black Rock Rangers. You should always know where a Black Rock Ranger outpost is at all times, anyway.

* Keep your tent or RV closed, locked if possible.

If your tent or RV is closed, they are supposed to need a warrant to open it, or they are supposed to need your consent, or they are supposed to need “exigent circumstances”. They may search your tent or RV anyway. Do not give them consent once they start, and do not help them once they start. Once they start, they will probably trash your stuff, no matter what you say.
Always keep your tent or RV closed when you are not in it. If possible, use opaque screens to block transparent windows so there is no line of sight into your tent or RV. Reflective panels and reflective cloth are also good for keeping the heat of the sun out of your tent or RV.
You may want to use a luggage lock to lock the zipper of your tent when you are not in it. Never open any lock for them, make them break it open.

* Your name and your ID.

If they ever stop you and ask you what your name is, you do have to tell them your “wallet name” as it is printed on your official ID, such as your driver’s license or passport. Unless you are driving a vehicle, you do not have to show them your ID if they demand to see it. You especially do not have to go to your camp to get your ID for them. Never do that.
If you are driving a vehicle, including an art car, you must keep your driver’s license with you, and you do have to give it to the cop on demand if you get stopped. This does not include passengers. If you are a passenger, and a cop stops the vehicle, you do not have to show your ID, and you probably should not.
If you are not a US citizen and you are visiting on a visa waiver, you do not have to carry your passport with you. If you are a resident alien you do have to carry your green card with you and you do have to show it if they specifically ask to see it. You do not have to tell them if you are a US citizen or not.

* Being Detained, or "Am I free to go?".

The magic phrase is: “Am I free to go?”
Keep saying it. As soon as they say "yes", leave immediately and without another word.
If they write a ticket, you must take it. Put it in your pocket, and then say "Am I free to go?"
If they ever say you are not free to go, you say "Am I being detained?". If they say you are not being detained or arrested, you say again "Am I free to go?". Keep it up as many times as necessary. Yes, it will sound like a stupid kid game, like "stop copying me", but the game is very real with very real stakes, and this is their game to win, and yours to lose.

* Being Arrested.

If they ever say anything like "you are under arrest", or ever do anything to make you think you are being arrested, such as them putting their hands on you, or restraining you in any way, you must immediately say the following magic phrase (memorize it!): "I do not consent to any search. I invoke my right to remain silent. I want to speak to my attorney." And then YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Do not try to talk your way out of the arrest. Do not say anything about your arrest until you are talking in private with your attorney or your public defender. Not with those cops, not with any other cops, not with any onlookers, not with anyone else who was arrested, not with anyone who is being held with you. Not with your campmates, not with your friends, not with your family. Not even your spouse. Assume the cops will lie about what you say to anyone. Assume everyone you meet while you are being held will lie later about anything you say, and they will lie while testifying against you. Your best defense will be being able to testify that you never said anything to anyone. You invoked your right to remain silent. Use it.
As soon as they put their hands on you, do not struggle, do not fight them, and do not “go limp”. They love breaking skulls for “resisting arrest”, and you don’t want the skull they break to be yours.
Soon (hopefully less than 12 hours, no more than 72 hours) after you have been arrested, you will be having a private conversation with a Public Defender or with your lawyer. You can talk to them. The Public Defender will be able to transfer your case to your own lawyer if you already have one, or to a lawyer who specializes in defending Burners. If you already have your own lawyer, call them before the event and ask them what to do if you ever get arrested. Give your lawyer a copy of this document.

* Getting Bounced.

If the Black Rock Rangers or the Burning Man Org decide that you are being too much of a problem, or that you are a threat to the event or to other Burners, they can choose to have you removed from the event. They can bounce you by telling you to pack up and leave, or they can bounce you by calling the bouncers, or they can call the cops. The bouncers may put their hands on you and they can physically remove you from the event. If you try to fight getting bounced, the cops will be called and they will probably arrest you.
If you get bounced, don’t fight it. Just pack up and leave.

* Alcohol.

The camps with open bars that are giving away booze may ask to see your ID to verify you are older than 21. You don't have to show it to them, but they don't have to give you free booze either.
The state liquor cops will be there, and they will try to sting your camp. Yes, every camp, yes even yours. If you are giving away booze, even if it’s only beer or wine, and the person you are about to give it to looks like they could possibly be under 21, you should verify their age by checking their ID. An alcohol service bust is an expensive way to ruin your burn for your entire camp.
If your camp or art project is using a truck or other vehicle during build or strike, there MUST NOT be any open container of alcohol anywhere in the cab or passenger seating, not even in the shotgun seat or in the back.
When you are driving in at Arrival, and out again at Exodus, there MUST NOT be an open container of alcohol anywhere in the passenger area in the vehicle, not even 12 rows back in a schoolbus. You may have to be hard-assed with your passengers about this. Do not celebrate arrival with a drink until you have actually parked at your camp and shut down your vehicle.
If one of your passengers is an asshole and cracks open a beer during the drive in of Arrival, immediately stop, set the brake, and throw him out. He can walk to his camp while drinking his beer.
This shouldn’t need saying but it does: you and your passengers must strictly obey DUI laws on the drive in and then the drive back home. Too many camps have had to build and burn with people missing or days late because they got popped for DUI, and too many Burners are dead or crippled because of DUI. Not just alcohol. Cannabis may now be effectively legal in most of the US, but driving while stoned is illegal. And stupid. And dangerous.
The highway patrol and the tribal police on every driving route in and out of the event take an absolutely zero tolerance approach to DUI. If the cops pop you for DUI, you will get zero sympathy from other Burners.

* Law Enforcement Feedback Form.

While the cops are dealing with you, you need to be memorizing the color and design of their uniforms and memorizing their name tags.
As soon as you get away from the cops, go to Center Camp or to a Black Rock Ranger outpost and immediately fill out a Law Enforcement Feedback Form and turn it in. The feedback form is also available on the Burning Man website if you have internet access.
If you personally with your own eyes see the cops detaining anyone, arresting anyone, or searching anyone or anything, do the same thing: memorize what you can in the moment and then fill out and turn in a Law Enforcement Feedback Form as soon as you can.
Do not write down what someone else says they saw. Write down what YOU saw. Try to write it out in order of how it happened. Try to include a timeline. Try to include a description of the cops uniforms, and their nametags if you can remember them.
Make sure to include if the cops broke anything, trashed anything, drove fast leaving a dust plume, or they dumped stuff on the playa surface. The BLM have strong opinions about the other cops MOOPing the playa.
Each morning, the feedback forms are read out loud in a meeting with the police leadership, BLM leadership, and the event leadership. Imagine the hilarious levels of cringe that must be, and smile.

* Your camera.

You may choose to use a camera to record the cops. The Judiciary at all levels has clearly stated that everyone, including you, has the right to record the police. All cops know that, too many of them hate it, but too bad.
The cops cannot lawfully order anyone to stop recording. They cannot lawfully order anyone to delete photos or video. They cannot lawfully delete any photos or video themselves. If they do, they themselves are knowingly breaking the law and that will be very useful in court. If a cop tells you to turn off your camera, keep recording. If they threaten to arrest you for recording, definitely keep recording. Try to record that they said that. While you are recording them never get in their way and stay back at least 35 feet / 10 meters.
If you ever see a cop order anyone to stop recording or to delete anything, make sure that goes on the Law Enforcement Feedback Form.

* "Undercover" cops.

The cops claim there are very few "undercover" cops at the event. This is a very carefully nuanced lie.
There are cops at the event who are "plain clothes". This means that instead of wearing uniforms or visible badges they are dressed like Burners.
They do not have to tell you they are cops when you ask them. You will not be able to "sense" that they are cops. Some of them have been doing this every year for more years than you have come to the event yourself. Some of them actually are Burners themselves. But on or off duty, they are still always cops.
People have been busted by a cop who was wearing only sparkles and a miniskirt. Cops have been seen dancing nearly naked on top of speakers next to mainstages, pointing out the use of cannabis to uniformed cops circling the dancing crowd.
If someone you do not know asks for drugs or offers to sell or trade for drugs, they are a cop. If you met them this year at this Burn, you do not know them. If someone sits down next to you and gets around to asking about drugs, they are a cop. If you meet this cute nearly naked burner out dancing, and you make eyes with each other, and go walking out together into the playa, and they say that they are starting to come down, and do you know where they can get anything to bring them up again so that you two can go party in your tent, they are a cop. If someone invites you to come to their tent so you can smoke your own stuff in private with them, they are a cop. No, really, yes, they are a cop, and their coworkers are eagerly standing by to ruin your life.
Here is your one chance to safely fuck with the cops: When one of them tries one of these tricks on you or near you, loudly tell everyone around that there is a cop here asking about drugs. Having a bullhorn helps.

* Kids.

If you are a kid (under 18), and the cops ever stop you and start questioning you or they detain you, the only thing you should say to them is “I want my parents”. Say nothing else at all to them.
If you are a kid and you get lost or scared or hurt without your responsible adult, go find a Black Rock Ranger or a ESD Volunteer. If you don’t see one, just yell “Hey Ranger” a few times, and one will come, or someone will hear you and send one. The Rangers will then call for help you need on their radios, and someone will come take you to your camp, or to the medical clinic, as needed.
If you are a kid, feel free to chat with the Rangers. If you need to know which way a portapotty is, or where Center Camp is, or where the Man is, or how to get to any camp or intersection, just ask them, and they will give you directions.
If you are bringing your kid to the Burn, go find and read the document “Burning Man Family Survival Guide”. It’s full of good advice, not just about cops.
If you are bringing your kid to the Burn, make sure your kid knows what a Black Rock Ranger uniform looks like and what an ESD uniform looks like. Teach your kid how the map and the city plan works, and where their own camp is. Maybe do a practice where you go out to some random place in the city or out into the art playa, and then ask them to navigate you both back to the camp.
If you are bringing your kid to the Burn, consider camping at Kidsville Village. There will be lots of other kids there, lots of other parents there watching their own kids, and lots of kid-modified Burner activities.
If you are bringing your kid to the Burn, create a laminated label or tag with their wallet name, camp name, camp address, responsible adult’s wallet name, responsible adult’s telephone number, an off-Playa emergency contact, and any medical alert notes, and then attach the tag to their backpack or belt so that it can’t get easily lost. It’s a good idea for all adults to have a similar tag attached to their own backpack or belt. take your kid to a Ranger Outpost, and enroll them in the “Family Unification Network”, which will create a wristband for your kid, so that if they get lost, the Rangers or the cops know who to bring your kid back home to.
In theory, kids are supposed to be accompanied by a responsible adult. In practice, the Rangers will let kids freely wander and enjoy the Burn, and intervene only if the kid looks lost, scared, hurt, threatened, or is without water.
Make SURE your kid has enough water with them at all times, and knows that they must have water with them at all times. Camelbacks come in kids sizes. Teach your kid that if they accidentally run out of water anyway, they should find a Ranger immediately.

* What if I need "Police Services"? / Rangers and ESD

What if you are lost? Or someone from your camp is lost? Or a kid is lost? Or you have found a lost kid? What if you have found someone who is injured or who is unable to take care of themselves? What if someone is hurt? What if you find someone who is dangerously out of sorts? What if you just can’t even?
Find a BLACK ROCK RANGER or an ESD VOLUNTEER. If the cops are actually needed, the Rangers or ESD will summon the cops on their radios and can deal with the cops so you don’t have to. If the cops are not needed, then the Rangers or ESD can summon the right help for you.
Know how to call for a Ranger or ESD: Look around for one. If you don’t see one, shout “Hey Ranger” a few times, one will hear you and come, or other burners will hear you and send one to you. If you have a MURS radio, you can call for help on MURS 5 / “Green Dot”. You can preprogram a handheld radio to call for help. Search for the "BRC Participant Emergency Reporting" document, and program your radios before you go.
ESD means “EMERGENCY SERVICES DEPARTMENT”. Most ESD volunteers are paramedics and medical first responders. ESD voluneers wear bright yellow highviz shirts with "EMERGENCY SERVICES" printed on them.
Know what the Black Rock Ranger uniform is, and how they are different from the various cop uniforms. Rangers wear khaki shirts and khaki hats with the Burning Man logo on their hats and on their chests and on their backs and on their vehicles.
Black Rock Rangers and ESD are not cops. They really are there to help you, no kidding.
Don’t you wish that the Default World had Rangers? I sure do!
Have a great Burn!
​

Had my interview, just some notes about what to expect. Overall a great experience, nothing surprising.
Side note: Since people ask about attire, I wore business casual as I had to head to work straight after the interview. Most people were casual, including the officers.
Entered into the interview room, several officers all sitting on one side of a table. When you walk in, one who is free waves you over (ie they don't have assigned officers per scheduled visit, it seems). Officer was professional, friendly, competent. Checked my name off on a list of appointment holders, then went through paperwork to made sure I had everything. I provided my completed application which he had me sign. I also brought a livescan form filled out (I haven't done it yet), but he instead gave me one pre-filled out with the appropriate LAPD department details to ensure the form gets sent to them properly when complete. He then checked to make sure that I had two proofs of residence/address. Also, I provided a photocopy of my drivers license. Very nice and helpful, answered any and all questions I had about the logistics and process. The livescan will be sent straight to them, then he gave me an email to where I can send him my certificate of completion and proficiency results once I'm done with training. As for the training, he said to go ahead and not wait for him if I'm confident that there is nothing in my background check that will raise any red flags, but it's never guaranteed. I am very boring and have nothing I can think of that would be an issue, so I'm going ahead. I also wrote a check to the City of Los Angeles for $53 to take care of the fee.
Afterwards, he went through a verbal list of questions that almost entirely overlap with the questions on the application, and he marked down my answers. Not an exhaustive list. My answers were all no, as I have nothing controversial in my past:-Any prior applications for CC?-Any rejections, if so why?-Any criminal record? Ever get arrested, involved w/ the cops? etc.- Any domestic violence things, i.e. restraining orders, etc?-Any military record? If so, honorable discharge?-Any driving/moving violations within the past 5 years?-Any prior treatment for drugs/alcohol in rehab?-Ever sell or possess any drugs/illegal controlled substances?-Ever attempted suicide?-Any problems or conflicts with a neighbor?-Been a party to a lawsuit as a plaintiff or defendant (I think this was last 5 years)?-Ever get in a fight or a violent situation?-Are all your guns DROS'd and registered with the state of CA?-Any mental health history, or see any psychologists or psychiatrists and do you take any medication that changes your mood or perception? (I responded with yes, I take methylphenidate/Ritalin for ADHD and I see a psychiatrist who prescribes it. Officer seemed OK with it, I explained that it was a voluntary visit, etc. I'm under the impression they care about 5150 or involuntary mental health treatment sorts of situations, and inpatient or institutionalized sorts of situations, but it may be specific to the medication)-How many drinks a week do you have?-Anything that may come up in your background check that you want to disclose or talk about? (no)
One thing I'll note that I was *NOT* asked was why I needed a CCW license or to justify why I was applying.
Hope this helps, be safe everyone.
EDIT: formatting and some more questions they asked

Mtl law book
Controlled drugs and substances act, cdsa. Substances on this list are controlled substances. Schedules are categories substances fall into Cannabis act covers cannabis.
If lose case can be deported
If you possess over the legal limit of pot can be imprisoned post 2018 still. 2018 is when pot was legalized.
There are provincial and federal laws
The police arrest but the crown charges. Crown can charge for a different crime then police arrested for.
If you are being prosecuted then there are charges against you in a criminal file
The crown and police have a lot discretionary power with your treatment and your file. Crown is like prosecutor, not police.
Director of penal and criminal prosecutions, DPCP, prosecutor provincial boss, instruct and provide guidance for prosecutors. Other provinces have their own name.
Jury or judge acquit which means your innocent. Prosecutor can also withdraw charges "withdrawn" status.
Sentence are possible consequences of being guilty
Priors = prior criminal record
Law enforcement officer: immigration officers, police, youth protection agents, municipal inspectors, correctional officers etc.
Black, indigenous, racialized and migrant communities, people who are known to the police, are targeted more by police, meaning police also violate their human rights more often. Sentenced more harshly than whites. Drug laws are historically created to target these groups.
Systematic bias: those with authority, even incl teachers, have explicit or implicit bias against certain communities
Racial profiling: officers target certain groups of ppl and postal codes more.
Anti gang squad, anti gun squad, anti radicalization are dog whistles for targetting minorities. Also includes applying additional surveillance to target group.
During say a anti gun police raids, they can prosecute the raided for any illegal drugs the cops find. This results in potential criminals fearing to call the police bc if there is an investigation the police could nail the caller. Ex if a sex worker has HIV and does not disclose their HIV status it counts as sexual assault, meaning if a John beats her up, risky to call the cops on him.
If have PR status and found guilty could be deported/removal. Some drug addicts only are PRs.
Anytime you speak to police you are making a statement. Crown can use these statements to convince someone else to plead guilty or convict. Your silence cannot incriminate but your statement might.
Police allowed to lie. Will do anything really to get a statement. Don't react to any of their behaviours, comments, or questions since that can be a statement. Try to remain silent. But many ppl do not have the privilege of remaining quiet, ex that can worsen police behavior.
Rehearse how to speak to police without providing any incriminating statements if you think you want to make a statement.
Police cannot arrest you if they don't identity at least 1 offence. On arrest they give undertaking paper or hold you until court date.
After released by police, prosecutor might decide not to prosecute. If police are holding you after arrest your 1st court date happens after 1-3 days. Sentencing may be postponed until therapy/school/work etc is complete.
1st court case is usually 1-3 days after arrest, then bail applies for the 2nd court date in like months/yrs. When released after arrest can be released without conditions.
If plead guilty with lawyer, lawyer can negotiate to have certain charges withdrawn
You can be acquitted of 1 charge while charged with the others. Crown can withdraw some charges but keep others.
Willing blindness: you are supposed to inquire about the nature of a delivery you are driving if the package seems suspicious.
4(1) Possession, "Simple possession": to prosecute evidence needed: knowledge/willful blindness that substance in your possession and knowledge/willful blindness that it is a controlled substance named in the cdsa and measure of control/consent to their possession Law requires measurable quantity of drug, ex residue in a bag If there are drugs in your car and you are the driver or passenger, it cannot be the only reason for a conviction. Possession - drugs don't have to be on you. Knowledge of your possession is proven by it's location (hidden or in sight), whether police have statements by you or others. Schedule 4 substances and lower cannot be found guilty of simple possession, but can be found guilty of other offences like trafficking
Possession = you have it on your personal possession, you know a friend is holding it for you, you know that you have hidden it somewhere. If your friend is holding a cdsa drug for you and they know it's cdsa drug, then you both are in possession. If the cops raid your grandma's house and you stores cdsa drugs there and don't tell her, she will not be convicted.
4(2) Double doctoring/obtaining a practitioner: asked dr for prescription or drugs without disclosing the info about the drug that u received in the last 30 days. Both for personal usage and for dealing. Uncommon charge.
5(1) Drug trafficking, trafficking in substance: proof must prove that you did 1 of the following or that you offered to do one of the following: - Selling drug or prescription paper: incl if the sale is not completed. - helping or encouraging someone to buy/sell. Bringing the buyer to the seller and if without this help the sale would never have taken place. Introducing a potential buyer to a seller is sometimes prosecutable depending on the judge. It sounds like it might only be an offense if accused works for the dealer and arranges the meeting between buyer and seller, but not clear. - giving drugs for free/gift or for "free" is still trafficking - cannot administer illegal drugs even if asked too - if transporting home for personal consumption only, simple possession. But if for the purposes of sharing with friend, roommate then trafficking. Exceptions: inside safe injection site for drug checking purposes. Buying doesn't seem to be trafficking. - Max sentence is life
worse charges for drug trafficking if offence happens near school or other place frequented by minors, or on correctional facility grounds, or in a gang, setting traps, using someone else's building, creating hazards in a residential neighborhood
5(2) Possession for the purposes of trafficking: simple possession + purpose/intent of trafficking. Large quantity helpful to prosecutor but not required. Presence of measuring, packaging equipment, multiple bagged quantities, large amounts of cash, notebooks can be evidence. - Max sentence is life
Case study: Nat brought cdsa drug to share with client at motel. Client ODs and Nat has to call 911. Police show up too. She admits to cops that she bought the drugs and that he asked for them so the cops know it was his idea. She is convicted of trafficking.
6(1) Import (or export) and 6(2) possession for the purpose of import (or export): all must be proven: Bought drugs/organized their entry into Canada Knowledge/willful blindness/recklessness that controlled substance Intention to import the substance Bring drugs or organize their entry into the country: happens as soon as drug enters/leaves any country and continues until drug arrives at final destination in Canada in a person's possession. If in transit through mtl and Toronto offence has taken place in both locations. You don't have to have been personally transporting the drugs or even present at the place of entry to be charged. If police intercept the drugs in transit, irrelevant to defense. Crown doesnt have to prove you know the precise nature of the drug. Recklessness: ex accused caught with 2 bottles of wine that contain dissolved cocaine, since the cocaine amount was large, the producer prob wouldn't give this bottle to a blind courier. Behaviour following importation may provide convincing evidence of participation in offence: meeting with ppl, receiving calls of short duration at late hours, coded language by accused+accomplices, using public telephones to talk to "accomplices" despite owning a cell. After drug arrives to final destination, other ppl cannot be prosecuted for "possession for purposes of import" Police are specifically looking for fake suitcases on flights being carried by women 30s-40s
7(1) Production of substance, 7.1(1) possession, sale, etc for use in production or trafficking: production - manufacturing, harvesting, growing, etc. Offence includes offering to produce drug Evidence must prove you have some control over location/operation of production: cannot be convicted for simply being in a place of production. Police usually do detailed surveillance against accused first. Warrants for interception of private communication, track/trace (surveillance device on car), garbage searches, search warrants Police usually find out when purchase of large or suspicious purchases that are commonly used in drug production.
If police are at your house for a DV investigation and they see a baggie of what looks like heroin, can result in arrest.
Knowledge of the drug: you just have to know it's a controlled substance, not what it is specifically to be convicted.
Judges sentence more harshly depending on drug type. Ex if there are currently anti meth events or media, worse sentence.
Possession of methadone/opioid agonist treatments (OAT): - Health care providers don't need permission to prescribe, administer, sell/provide methadone to patients. Patients need a ordeprescription. To own methadone must be a patient or health care provider basically.
Initial meeting with a judge after arrest is a bail hearing.
To get bail: - better odds if minor crime - have $ via bail or signing a "recognizance" that says you'll pay bail. Get both back later on. A "surety" (friend) can pay for you. - fixed address that isn't a homeless shelter - ties to the community - family, legal job, studies, community engagement - proof of how will support self legally - having a friend reserve you a spot in rehab - indigenous
Conditions can prevent you from owning a cell phone.
Causing death by criminal negligence and manslaughter for giving drugs to someone who overdosed. rare. Can be convicted if you and a friend are shooting up together and you shoot them up at their request and then they die. Accidentally bringing a drug that contains fentanyl and your friend dies. Harsher punishment if accused is much older than decreased or if deceased is not much of a drug user.
A guilty plea only may help improve sentencing. If pleading guilty better to do it before the trial.
Didn't type up schedule 1-7 drugs pg 38, 39 Schedule 1: opioids, meth, Adderall, ghb, methadone, MDMA Schedule 2: synthetic cannabinoids, most cannabis is regulated by the cannabis act now. 3: shrooms, lsd, ritalin 4: zolpidem, steroids, benzodiazepines, barbiturates 5: not in the book if it exists 6: ingredients to manufacture drugs ex acetone 9: manufacturing equipment ex machines to fill pills
Selling other medications like idk ibuprofen could be a civil matter where the gov might issue a large fine against you and failure to pay the fine results in conviction.
If your lawyer and prosecutor agree on a specific sentence during a guilty plea, judge will most likely accept that, but judge doesn't have to.
Types of sentences: un/conditional discharge, fine, suspended sentence with probation and conditions (ex community service, rehab) imprisonment in institution or in community.
Being guilty can have other effects like travel ban to USA.
Sentencing considers: type and context of offence, circumstances of arrest, first charge for this kind of offence, current situation, level of detail and assurances in rehab plan, are there victims, prosecuted as summary or indictable offense. Unofficially judge considers bias like being anti-sex worker.
Prosecuted for either indictable offense or summary offense. sometimes the law decides which, sometimes prosecutor does. Determines max sentence and severity judge will serve.
Indictable offense - more serious. Some crimes are always indictable. Summary - less serious
Aggravating factors - reasons court gives harsher sentence: - Not having a drug addiction at the time of offence - priors - commited offence for financial gain - breach of trust - etc
Mitigating factors - reasons court gives better sentence: - guilty plea - been in drug rehab if had drug addiction at the time of the crime (get letters from case workers) - age - remorse - community involvement - etc
Mandatory minimum sentences, Mms.
Since 2012 Mms higher and a bunch of drugs moved up in schedule
Gladue report: - optional for accused. - affects all parts of court - prepared by some org - for anyone who identifies as indigenous
Impact of race and culture assessment IRCA: - A few provinces have this - gladue for black ppl - judge can legally ignore it - exists bc black ppl have faced a lot of adversity
Stigma = negative stereotypes
If you participate in a treatment program pre sentencing, it can reduce your sentence oand delay legal proceedings. Court needs to recognize its value and legitimacy. Court can also force you to attend a program of their choosing which can be like prison-lite. You can propose your plan to the court.
Special tribunals in mtl regulate the provincial court treatment programs.
Many sex workers gain access to new resources and opportunities which can allow them change their condition and protect themselves. Anti sex worker laws deny them of this and their agency.
Drug addicts and sex workers are constantly stimgatized especially if they do sex work and use drugs.
Sex workers: Try to represent as a victim for a reduced sentence: - apologize and show remorse about your sex work - talk about how you're a victim of sex work - allow the court to paint your sex work as all the problems in your life - make no claim about the useful of sex work in your life - be poor, get exploited by clients/pimps - when the court tells you to stop talking to other sex workers, drug users, clients, do it.
If you are between 12-17 YO: - youth criminal justice act or director of youth protection applies to you, 1 or the other, you can sorta pick - "very serious" crimes you're prosecuted as an adult, so public criminal record - if an adult works with you on a crime, it worsen the adults sentence
Police can charge you for possession of a weapon of they find a scissors or pocket knife
If police find you with a gun, they can easily give you 3 yrs. Weapons bans are 10 yrs.
Immigrants: - try to get either type of discharge (conditional or unconditional), that's the same as not guilty in immigration law. - refugees without Canadian citizenship can be deported - if you don't have PR, a hybrid offense or 2 summary offenses can get you deported - PR: receive a 6 month sentence or guilty of a crime that has max sentence of 10 yrs. - with an expired visa, cops database doesn't have that kind of info, but they could call Canadian Border Safety Agency (CBSA)
Indictable offence usually don't have fines associated with them.
Cannabis act (CA) - distribution and trafficking are the same thing - having on possession for sale is illegal - generally refers to dried cannabis, usually 30g dried or equivalent. Can't have more without gov stamp - can grow 0-4 cannabis plants, depending what province you're in - kids/orgs cant have 5g of dried weed or less or grow any - budding/flowering plant in public place is illegal - no entering or leaving Canada with weed - adults can't grow weed on someone else's property. Kids and orgs cannot grow any - involving kids in any of these is an offence in of itself - producing materials that enable trafficking illegal weed
public place: public has assess too and any vehicle located in public view
Illicit cannabis is illegally obtained cannabis. It doesn't have the gov stamp of approval
Some ppl give a fake name to cops bc risk of being identified is worse than the risk of obstruction. If you give police a fake address, they might mail court papers to that address and you won't be able to receive them. If you give the cops a fake name and need to retract it, try to say it's a "nickname but my legal name is x"
Recording cops: - legal for you to record cops unless property owner has rules against it, or recording actually does interfer with the investigation - police may tell you that it's illegal. Might charge with obstruction, or say you're breaking like privacy, take your recording device, demand you erase recording, say they're seizing your phone bc it contains evidence - if police seize your phone, they could find incriminating evidence to charge you or someone else with another crime
Frisking: - cops can legally if u are arrested. Only supposed to if they thinking you have a dangerous item on you and are a threat to someone's safety. If you get upset this increases the odds they'll search you. If they are searching you for weapons not supposed to search you for other things like drugs, phones, tattoos etc. They can use this to search for needles to identify you as a drug user - searching you for evidence of the crime they say you committed - if you're temporarily detained/being questioned same thing - if you give them permission to search you or your property, they will. To prevent this say loudly "I do not consent to the search" and "je ne consens pas a une fouille" (jeh neh koh sehn pah ah oon foo yeh) - if an illegal search results in say drug charges, the drug charges could be withdrawn - if unlawful arrest (ex police brutality) then the subsequent search might be illegal
Seizures: - can seize items in a warrant. Ask to see and read the warrant. - if the warrant is to search a location, must have that address, specific area they can search, and list items theyre searching for - ask cops for a copy of the report identifying the seized items and where the items are being held Can seize items without warrant if they think it's related to a crime, ex: - weapons that may have been used in the offense, Items that provide evidence like phones, scales, note books, items obtained through criminal offenses like money from drug selling, They can seize items before any arrests While you're detained they will frequently go through your phone Note down: everything they seize, when, whom, where you were at the time. Careful about "obstructing" police while you do this, record officer name, patrol car number, badge number and other identifying info, knowing seizing location helpful for trying to get your things back, if an item is evidence you won't get it back til the end of the case, if it's considered proceeds of a crime you'll likely never get it back, illegal things you will never get back
While detained, you can try asking a guard or lawyer if you can use your phone to get phone numbers, usually they'll say no. Guards will be able to read your phone while this happens. Memorize the numbers of potential sureties.
Don't have incriminating evidence about yourself or your associates
Drug use equipment: - can legally distribute unused drug equipment - if you have drugs on you, having sterile drug equipment can be used as additional evidence against you - may still be seized by security - If you're hanging out with a drug users and you're searched and they find sterile needles, they may then search your companion
Being detained: - physical detention is like being cuffed - psychological - they tell you you're not free to leave/act like you can't leave - can detain for: you're connected to a crime, being a witness, victim, breaking a bylaws, warrant however discretionary power means they might not for a warrant, being present at a raid - technically don't have to identify yourself, but police will likely arrest you for obstruction - police have to tell you why
Being stopped and questioned: - just bc you are in the area a crime took place, doesn't mean they can stop and question you legally unless you match suspect description. They will anyway if they want
Warrants apply country wide in practice
Arrested: - cops must tell you what you're being arrested for - they'll let you go with an "appearance notice" that may include conditions - you'll receive a "summons" in the mail is really an appearance notice - keep you in detention for a few days until a judge sees you - If you have kids, get a criminal lawyer and family law lawyer - if you're an immigrant: criminal lawyer and immigration lawyeexpert - arrest warrant: must have name of person to be arrested
You can negotiate conditions, like if banned from an area but have dr appointments there. Lawyer can do this.
If cops question you or tell you to go with them: - ask "am I free to leave? Am I being detained or arrested" if unclear ask again, if still unclear make motions to leave and leave if they don't stop you - if detained: "what am I being detained for?" - if arrested: "what am I being arrested for?" -- you have the right to ask and to speak to a lawyer - technically illegal for them to detain you due to trying to bring you to a shelter or rehab etc
Police legally have to wear badge number and name tag and have to identify themselves if you ask them to
After abusive police interaction, note down: - when, where event happened - held anywhere? Conditions of where you were held? Location? - officer names, numbers, car numbers - what was searched? When, where, how did it happen? - who was searched? How and where were they searched? Name and badge number of cop. - Dmges? take pics - who was detained? We're they offered an interpreter if needed? Do they speak the same language as the officer? - give all the info to lawyer
If cop grabs you and you pull away they might try to charge you with assault of an officer
Prep for dealing with police: - anyone in my party break a law? Any warrants? Youth protection involved with anyone? - if we're stopped by police, are we all staying silent, all giving the same info? Other plan? - are cops targetting me, the neighborhood? - if cops targetting someone else, can I walk away? - is my hangout area heavily surveilled? Is my party heavily surveilled? - if I have id, does it reflect the name I'm gonna tell the cops? What happens if an officer shows up who knows me? - how to respond to cops if my kids are with me? - condition breach? - am I carrying anything arrestable? Plan if they search me? - are all my incriminating items hidden from plain view? - what police consequences is most harmful to me? What am I most concerned about? What am I willing to do to avoid these? - can I role play with someone?
Good Samaritan overdose act (Good Sam law): - If someone is overdosing and you call 911, police legally aren't supposed to arrest you or anyone else there, incl overdosee for simple possession or simple possession condition breaches - everything else they can arrest you for. And they are known to use the opportunity to extract arrests Consider: throwing away/hiding your illegal drugs, tell others there you called 911 so they can leave, tell dispatch that area is safe so maybe police won't come, should I leave and get someone else to stay or leave a note on the overdosees,
Security guards, transit officers, etc: - no legal requirement to speak with them - they can citizens arrest you physically legally if they see you doing crime - cannot legally search you - can legally use reasonable force to remove you from a building - Montreal public transit security can become special constables easily and can detain and arrest ppl suspected of criminal activity on mtl transit. Can access police database. - All public transit security can fine and issues tickets related to their public transit. You're required to provide them name, address, dob
Driving a vehicle: - if you are driving, police have more authority, like asking for ID, breathalyze - police can stop vehicles bc: see a driving violation, believe the vehicle is related or a crime, routine police blockade for like drunk drivers passing - often use license plates to determine if the car was stolen or a getaway vehicle or whatnot - police pulling over ppl in high crime areas for no other reason is illegal - important to not have knife, drug residue in plain view - if you're too shaky, pink eyes, they know ppl in the car as drug dealers, they're more likely to find you suspicious - after arresting driver, they can legally search your vehicle if it's related to why they arrested you, ex they arrest you for drugs and then they can then search the vehicle for more drugs - more likely to search your vehicle if you're wearing a bulletproof vest - can search the vehicle legally for "safety", they see you have weapons charges and then they search the vehicle or if they have reason to fear for imminent evidence loss, fear imminent threat to someone's safety - legally easier for police to search your car then pat you down. - police can only legally ask driver for ID unless they turn the stop into an investigation in which case they can then ask everyone in the vehicle for ID - sleeping in your vehicle: take keys out of ignition, sleep in the back. Police may still harrass you and say it's in relation to criminal charges
Investigations: - begin for any reason, even via anonymous tip line calls - often police will surveill and if they see suspicious activity, they get a warrant
Residential location: - greatest privacy from police here legally, however: if owner unknown, abandon, frequented by marginalized ppl, police more likely to invade - when can they enter your house: generally police cannot enter without a warrant unless the person who answers the door consents, if they think someone inside is about to commit a crime or that a crime is in progress, in hot pursuit and the runner enters the house, if they think someone inside's life is in danger - if you don't consent to them entering say: I do NOT consent to you entering, je ne consens pas a ce que vous rentrez (jeh neh Kon sen pah ah seh voo rehn-tray) - can get warrants to enter for unpaid tickets, money owed to revenue Quebec - police search your home when: someone being arrested there and police think something is a danger to other potential occupants, police fear imminent lose of evidence, medical emergencies (Medicare card, suicide notes) - if they see something suspicious (drugs, scales, large sums of cash) in plain view (from your door, or anything they see if you allow them to enter. Even if you let them in, they're not supposed to search your house or roam to other rooms) they can seize it. - an arrest warrant isn't enough to search a place
Hotel/motel: for your room, generally same rules as residential, but a bit less privacy - for public areas, no privacy benefits - if cops can get keys from hotel staff or permission from hotel staff they'll use that to enter your room - often will say the housekeeping staff saw something suspicious
House keepers: - if they see drugs, lots of condoms, paraphernalia, sex work publications or drug publications they may contact police. There is an increasing trend for this happening under the guise of human trafficking prevention esp if you're a marginalized/racialized women who uses drugs. - they are allowed to enter your room
Hospital: - usually won't provide the cops with much info unless they have a warrant for a patient. Sometimes even will not let cops into your hospital room - will contact law enforcement. Usually have low threshold to attempt to kick out ppl as it relates to arguments, raised voices, disruptions - if you are with a patient, hospital more likely to provide info on you to cops, so careful what info you give hospital staff - as a patient u may have to change clothes and that could lead to dropping suspicious items out of your pocket - if you go to the hospital with a friend, tell them to stfu about providing info about you - bringing a friend can help by taking notes, advocating for you. Ideally your friend isn't know to the cops, can stay calm.
Supervised injection site, SIS: - inside cannot be charged with simple possession. Cannot give to others or administer to others. - staff cannot be charged with trafficking for providing the venue or material facilitating the drug usage. Same with staff checking drugs, which would normally be trafficking - police can do whatever outside of the building. If arrested for simple possession, could tell lawyer you were on your way to the sis/on your way back home - if you are investigated in relation to a sis, make sure your lawyer speaks with the sis bc your lawyer prob doesn't know the basics of the sis. - to use a sis, usually don't need to provide real name or info. If you give your real info, easier for medical staff at hospital to look you up if needed
Speaking to police: - if arrested cops suppose to stop asking you questions once you request to speak to a lawyer, but they will often still ask you questions anyway. After you speak to a lawyer they have the right to question you again - they will attempt to provoke you into speaking - interrogator will ask random questions to build rapport (ex personal life, interests). Will often promise or claim to help you if you talk to them - legally can lie about most things. Ex evidence, other ppl's statements, "if you leave now we can't help you later", "if you cooperate now you will get a more lenient sentence". - don't react to their questions
Initial appearance in from of a judge before bail hearing: - you appear before a judge within a day. If it's a weekend or holiday then after that. Have a lawyer come with you. This is when you can plea guilty or not guilty - can try to exchange 1 release condition for another, discuss this with your lawyer beforehand - if you receive a fine, some organizations can you get a payment plan. Community service can also be used to pay off a fine.
Bail hearing - you can schedule the meeting with a judge at a later date to give you more time to prepare for how to make bail - usually happens within 3 days - prepare in advance how to get released on bail - Prosecutor will often argue you shouldn't be released bc: you won't attend your next court date, you pose a risk to the public, public will lose faith or you're released. - your lawyer will likely argue: you have a fixed address (can be friends, family), will obey your bail conditions - sometimes to make bail you need: bail money/recognizance document saying you'll pay latesurety. Surety should have legal job and no criminal record. Show that you have routine, like school, clubs, job, family. Can have someone who ideally does not have a record come testify to your character. Proof of income. Someone to book you a spot in rehab. - if the court takes your passport, photocopy the important pages
Cdsa and cannabis act are federal criminal laws, but are often prosecuted by provincial/municipal forces
Law reform/Stella: The term decriminalization is getting more widely used and the meaning is recinding. Stella says decriminalization of drugs and sex work is a necessary first step to guarantee human rights. Drug use is not always an illness or problem. Abstinence is not the only way and thinking it's the only way is harmful. Drug sellers should be be categorized as bad ppl. If 1 law is repealed cops will often just target a sigmatized group with a new law. Alternative punishment instead of prison is still not decriminalization, aka Portugal model. For things like cannabis, even tho self possession of an amount is legal, you still can face police surveillance, unwanted police contact, trouble with landlord, etc. Individual prosecution directors, police departments can set guidelines, but those are not related to laws. Guidelines can say more or less punishment.

PRE-NOTE Just some information, that day I was extremely exhausted and had almost fallen asleep in class multiple times. When I went back home I drank lots of caffeine drinks and ate. I then stayed up for a long time and got super tired where the only comfortable position is on my back, and I try my best to avoid that position because I know something like this will happen again but this time it was extreme.
Before that, for a long time i’ve been experiencing hallucinations like seeing bugs flying around and seeing shadow people walking in the hallways and disappearing when i look behind me again. I often hear sounds and I twitch a lot (muscle spasms) but it’s increased. I also see objects glitch or entirely disappear by blending in with the wall. I sometimes see cracks everywhere but ignore it.
————————————
Before this, I kept hearing banging but inside my head. (Possible exploding head syndrome?) It’s like in the same spot as my inner voice, it kept getting louder and louder and I also heard the sound of many many flies just buzzing in both ears and that getting louder too. There were also some screams that suddenly go from extremely low volume to high and also brought static energy/electric sensation (that I’ll explain later) I usually ignore these type of stuff even though this was new and pretty serious. I then fell asleep diagonally with my head facing my wall and started this weird thing:
Like I said, it’s happened before but with the feeling my soul is being sucked/vacuumed out. It’s like this electric feeling that goes woooOOOSHhh, whoOOOOshhh, and the climax (OOOOO part of the sensation i’m trying to describe) of it really depends on something and changes severity on the way I breathe. Also during the climax, it starts getting really light and once the buzz is done the light goes away, then another buzz comes and it repeats. I try to take deep breathes and it worsens and brings me to the climax of this entire thing I’m experiencing. It’s like static. During this entire thing I used to be able to turn my body to the side after a little while and lots of effort to make it stop,, but this time I could NOT move. I recognize this so I’m waiting for it to go away. Then I get (electric) tingling on my head and at some point i see myself (in 3rd person) holding my hands over my head. Except i could somewhat feel them: it’s like when your arms are numb/sleeping and you can’t feel them but you still sort of can. Except i had skinnier hands and longer nails which happened to be exactly the stuff I was looking on Pinterest before I had decided to go to sleep (I was looking for nail inspiration 😭). During that I was scared and trying to call my mom (in reality I didn’t have my phone in my hands and felt like the devil was trying to stop me from doing so) and I also wanted to sleep the night with her, but I’m glad that never actually happened because I seek motherly love in impulsive situations like these. (possible cognitive and affective phenomena). It was obviously dark in my room and desperately wanted to see light.
During all of this I feel like someone is hugging me or laying on me, like it’s the devil. I had felt like I was the chosen one and felt similar to Fran Bow. I’ve researched about sleep paralysis before so I knew this would be common but this felt incredibly different. I’m just waiting to get out of it and at some point I did but quickly I “wake up” to this same exact thing again. This happens and I’m waiting to snap out of it but I get transmitted to a different reality. I wake up in my old room, suddenly there is sunlight and it feels wonderful. My family is awake and sounds like they’re getting ready to make breakfast and I hear my mom, so I call for her and she says she’s coming. After that I snap out of this entire thing and wake up in my original room but still feel somewhat fake and as if I had never woken up from that dream.
I searched about it, it went from spiritual demon possession to sleep paralysis, then to astral projection then to hypnagogia. I believe it’s hypnagogia but what’s making me doubt it is the ‘reality/universe switching’ so it could be possibly related to astral projection. Even though I doubt that as well. Someone else described this as a ‘sleep paralysis DREAM’
There is this urban legend where you’re in an elevator and press the numbers to get to different floors,, and after you get on the specific numbered floors in the right order, at some point a lady comes and once you continue you’ll be back to where you were, but not in the same reality. It feels like that.
SOME OTHER NOTES: ((When I woke up it was 2am)) Might I say many other things i’m experiencing have been drug inducing derealizations and other issues (did weed a few times, been taking non-prescribed ritalin and haven’t done that in 2 days, have done mdma a few times and do nicotine once a week.) I’ve also done magic truffles once out of boredom and had a feeling I could see through my eyelids. I’m also currently being tested for bipolar (type 2) so I’m wondering if this has to do with the “psychosis” part of if that usually belongs to type 1. I also experience a lot of Déjà rêvé. I often sleep with my earbuds still in and I lack lots of sleep so my sleep schedule is a mess. I’m scared to sleep again so I drank more caffeine to stay awake this night.
I DID experience: ⁃ slight voices in the same space as my inner head ⁃ geometrical shapes, speckles ⁃ some sort of Tetris effect ⁃ exploding head syndrome ⁃ people talking inside my head ⁃ paralysis ⁃ flashes of light with the electric buzzing/sensation ⁃ cognitive and affective phenomena ⁃ hallucinations (some shadows and a third pov of me with hands that aren’t mine.)

PRE-NOTE Just some information, that day I was extremely exhausted and had almost fallen asleep in class multiple times. When I went back home I drank lots of caffeine drinks and ate. I then stayed up for a long time and got super tired where the only comfortable position is on my back, and I try my best to avoid that position because I know something like this will happen again but this time it was extreme.
Before that, for a long time i’ve been experiencing hallucinations like seeing bugs flying around and seeing shadow people walking in the hallways and disappearing when i look behind me again. I often hear sounds and I twitch a lot (muscle spasms) but it’s increased. I also see objects glitch or entirely disappear by blending in with the wall. I sometimes see cracks everywhere but ignore it.
————————————
Before this, I kept hearing banging but inside my head. (Possible exploding head syndrome?) It’s like in the same spot as my inner voice, it kept getting louder and louder and I also heard the sound of many many flies just buzzing in both ears and that getting louder too. There were also some screams that suddenly go from extremely low volume to high and also brought static energy/electric sensation (that I’ll explain later) I usually ignore these type of stuff even though this was new and pretty serious. I then fell asleep diagonally with my head facing my wall and started this weird thing:
Like I said, it’s happened before but with the feeling my soul is being sucked/vacuumed out. It’s like this electric feeling that goes woooOOOSHhh, whoOOOOshhh, and the climax (OOOOO part of the sensation i’m trying to describe) of it really depends on something and changes severity on the way I breathe. Also during the climax, it starts getting really light and once the buzz is done the light goes away, then another buzz comes and it repeats. I try to take deep breathes and it worsens and brings me to the climax of this entire thing I’m experiencing. It’s like static. During this entire thing I used to be able to turn my body to the side after a little while and lots of effort to make it stop,, but this time I could NOT move. I recognize this so I’m waiting for it to go away. Then I get (electric) tingling on my head and at some point i see myself (in 3rd person) holding my hands over my head. Except i could somewhat feel them: it’s like when your arms are numb/sleeping and you can’t feel them but you still sort of can. Except i had skinnier hands and longer nails which happened to be exactly the stuff I was looking on Pinterest before I had decided to go to sleep (I was looking for nail inspiration 😭). During that I was scared and trying to call my mom (in reality I didn’t have my phone in my hands and felt like the devil was trying to stop me from doing so) and I also wanted to sleep the night with her, but I’m glad that never actually happened because I seek motherly love in impulsive situations like these. (possible cognitive and affective phenomena). It was obviously dark in my room and desperately wanted to see light.
During all of this I feel like someone is hugging me or laying on me, like it’s the devil. I had felt like I was the chosen one and felt similar to Fran Bow. I’ve researched about sleep paralysis before so I knew this would be common but this felt incredibly different. I’m just waiting to get out of it and at some point I did but quickly I “wake up” to this same exact thing again. This happens and I’m waiting to snap out of it but I get transmitted to a different reality. I wake up in my old room, suddenly there is sunlight and it feels wonderful. My family is awake and sounds like they’re getting ready to make breakfast and I hear my mom, so I call for her and she says she’s coming. After that I snap out of this entire thing and wake up in my original room but still feel somewhat fake and as if I had never woken up from that dream.
I searched about it, it went from spiritual demon possession to sleep paralysis, then to astral projection then to hypnagogia. I believe it’s hypnagogia but what’s making me doubt it is the ‘reality/universe switching’ so it could be possibly related to astral projection. Even though I doubt that as well. Someone else described this as a ‘sleep paralysis DREAM’
There is this urban legend where you’re in an elevator and press the numbers to get to different floors,, and after you get on the specific numbered floors in the right order, at some point a lady comes and once you continue you’ll be back to where you were, but not in the same reality. It feels like that.
SOME OTHER NOTES: ((When I woke up it was 2am)) Might I say many other things i’m experiencing have been drug inducing derealizations and other issues (did weed a few times, been taking non-prescribed ritalin and haven’t done that in 2 days, have done mdma a few times and do nicotine once a week.) I’ve also done magic truffles once out of boredom and had a feeling I could see through my eyelids. I’m also currently being tested for bipolar (type 2) so I’m wondering if this has to do with the “psychosis” part of if that usually belongs to type 1. I also experience a lot of Déjà rêvé. I often sleep with my earbuds still in and I lack lots of sleep so my sleep schedule is a mess. I’m scared to sleep again so I drank more caffeine to stay awake this night.
I DID experience: ⁃ slight voices in the same space as my inner head ⁃ geometrical shapes, speckles ⁃ some sort of Tetris effect ⁃ exploding head syndrome ⁃ people talking inside my head ⁃ paralysis ⁃ flashes of light with the electric buzzing/sensation ⁃ cognitive and affective phenomena ⁃ hallucinations (some shadows and a third pov of me with hands that aren’t mine.)

PRE-NOTE Just some information, that day I was extremely exhausted and had almost fallen asleep in class multiple times. When I went back home I drank lots of caffeine drinks and ate. I then stayed up for a long time and got super tired where the only comfortable position is on my back, and I try my best to avoid that position because I know something like this will happen again but this time it was extreme.
Before that, for a long time i’ve been experiencing hallucinations like seeing bugs flying around and seeing shadow people walking in the hallways and disappearing when i look behind me again. I often hear sounds and I twitch a lot (muscle spasms) but it’s increased. I also see objects glitch or entirely disappear by blending in with the wall. I sometimes see cracks everywhere but ignore it.
————————————
Before this, I kept hearing banging but inside my head. (Possible exploding head syndrome?) It’s like in the same spot as my inner voice, it kept getting louder and louder and I also heard the sound of many many flies just buzzing in both ears and that getting louder too. There were also some screams that suddenly go from extremely low volume to high and also brought static energy/electric sensation (that I’ll explain later) I usually ignore these type of stuff even though this was new and pretty serious. I then fell asleep diagonally with my head facing my wall and started this weird thing:
Like I said, it’s happened before but with the feeling my soul is being sucked/vacuumed out. It’s like this electric feeling that goes woooOOOSHhh, whoOOOOshhh, and the climax (OOOOO part of the sensation i’m trying to describe) of it really depends on something and changes severity on the way I breathe. Also during the climax, it starts getting really light and once the buzz is done the light goes away, then another buzz comes and it repeats. I try to take deep breathes and it worsens and brings me to the climax of this entire thing I’m experiencing. It’s like static. During this entire thing I used to be able to turn my body to the side after a little while and lots of effort to make it stop,, but this time I could NOT move. I recognize this so I’m waiting for it to go away. Then I get (electric) tingling on my head and at some point i see myself (in 3rd person) holding my hands over my head. Except i could somewhat feel them: it’s like when your arms are numb/sleeping and you can’t feel them but you still sort of can. Except i had skinnier hands and longer nails which happened to be exactly the stuff I was looking on Pinterest before I had decided to go to sleep (I was looking for nail inspiration 😭). During that I was scared and trying to call my mom (in reality I didn’t have my phone in my hands and felt like the devil was trying to stop me from doing so) and I also wanted to sleep the night with her, but I’m glad that never actually happened because I seek motherly love in impulsive situations like these. (possible cognitive and affective phenomena). It was obviously dark in my room and desperately wanted to see light.
During all of this I feel like someone is hugging me or laying on me, like it’s the devil. I had felt like I was the chosen one and felt similar to Fran Bow. I’ve researched about sleep paralysis before so I knew this would be common but this felt incredibly different. I’m just waiting to get out of it and at some point I did but quickly I “wake up” to this same exact thing again. This happens and I’m waiting to snap out of it but I get transmitted to a different reality. I wake up in my old room, suddenly there is sunlight and it feels wonderful. My family is awake and sounds like they’re getting ready to make breakfast and I hear my mom, so I call for her and she says she’s coming. After that I snap out of this entire thing and wake up in my original room but still feel somewhat fake and as if I had never woken up from that dream.
I searched about it, it went from spiritual demon possession to sleep paralysis, then to astral projection then to hypnagogia. I believe it’s hypnagogia but what’s making me doubt it is the ‘reality/universe switching’ so it could be possibly related to astral projection. Even though I doubt that as well. Someone else described this as a ‘sleep paralysis DREAM’
There is this urban legend where you’re in an elevator and press the numbers to get to different floors,, and after you get on the specific numbered floors in the right order, at some point a lady comes and once you continue you’ll be back to where you were, but not in the same reality. It feels like that.
SOME OTHER NOTES: ((When I woke up it was 2am)) Might I say many other things i’m experiencing have been drug inducing derealizations and other issues (did weed a few times, been taking non-prescribed ritalin and haven’t done that in 2 days, have done mdma a few times and do nicotine once a week.) I’ve also done magic truffles once out of boredom and had a feeling I could see through my eyelids. I’m also currently being tested for bipolar (type 2) so I’m wondering if this has to do with the “psychosis” part of if that usually belongs to type 1. I also experience a lot of Déjà rêvé. I often sleep with my earbuds still in and I lack lots of sleep so my sleep schedule is a mess. I’m scared to sleep again so I drank more caffeine to stay awake this night.
I DID experience: - slight voices in the same space as my inner head - geometrical shapes, speckles (sometimes there’s like an overlay of lines and if i for example look at a shape (like a painting canvas or a clock) and look away no matter how much i looked at it, i still see the shape in the air) - some sort of Tetris effect - exploding head syndrome - people talking inside my head - paralysis - flashes of light with the electric buzzing/sensation - cognitive and affective phenomena - hallucinations (some shadows and a third pov of me with hands that aren’t mine.)

Hello! This story is about a medical accident with wellbutrin that really affected my life and I want to share. It may contain triggering topics so please be warned. Stay safe
​
When I was 19 almost 20, I was about a year into my medication/mental health journey. I had found out I was bipolar, and had ADHD, and these were the main things I was treated for. I was taking ritalin, which for a bipolar person can be a risky choice as it causes mania, as well as lithium, to control my mania. Lithium was a little too good at its job though, and I quickly became only depressed, so, I got wellbutrin. And I liked it. It helped. I felt better. And happy. We kept trying out doses, going up slightly.
​
And then, I don't know.
​
My doctor was moving me from 150mg to 300mg, and then to 450 mg. Easy enough. But, he had given me two sets of pills to achieve this. 150s and 300s. I was supposed to use them to transition upwards. Every other day, taking 300 + 150. I don't know how, but something was lost in translation. I started taking two of the 300s, thinking that was what he told me to do. I was taking 600mg (too much) everyday, and then taking 60 (sometimes 90) mg of ritalin.
I felt crazy.
I was home for the summer, but terrified of the house. Couldnt leave my bedroom after my parents had gone to bed. I kept my toothbrush in my bedroom and locked my door each night. I would see shadow people out of the corner of my eye, walking in the dark. I saw their feet outside my door. I heard them whispering in the hall.
I would sit on the ground just take tweezers and pull out all my leg hair. I dont even know why. It became a terrible habit, and a strange way to soothe myself.
While doing this, I started to hear something. It was in my head, like I was going to sleep and thinking of random things. But the thoughts weren't mine. I wasn't thinking those words.
I could hear two men arguing, and then it was like they noticed me. They knew I was listening, and they didn't understand how.
Over the next few days of exploring this new ability I heard lots of conversations, even had them recount childhood memories to me. I would hear them scream and yell at me. I would feel them inside me trying to get my attention. I would close my eyes and see impressions of screaming faces, people trying to get me. Loud yelling. Then, it was like they would possess me, and it was like I wasn't there anymore.
I didn't understand what was happening. And it only got worse.
I went on a trip with my father and forgot my ritalin. Luckily, I had more than enough wellbutrin, which I knew treated ADHD. I started taking a little extra. I would crush it to make it work like instant ritalin. If 600mg wasn't hurting me, 1000mg certainly was.
my friends would call me to play minecraft and my fingers couldnt even operate the keys correctly. I was always shaking. The voices in my head were telling me they were worried for me, and possessed me to "help". I would walk around the beach house, terrified of any dark corner or unoccupied room. Even watching my father wash dishes made me nervous he was only pretending to come scare me (why would he do that?). I heard laughter, and whispers, and there weren't in my head. It was like a person was right on my shoulder, or like I was always in sleep paralysis. I would look in the mirror and swear my reflection was doing something I wasn't.
I went home, and told my doctors. They thought I had lost it from the ritalin and took me off it. Permanently. I was livid and so sad. It had helped me so much and now they said it was making me psychotic and they wouldnt put me on it. I told them I didnt even have any at the beach. No matter what I said, they wouldn't change their minds.
My emotions were so high. I would sob and sob and scream on the phone with them. And yet no one caught what was really happening.
I stayed with my boyfriend at the time while recovering from being cut off my meds, and I would swear he got in bed with me. I could feel the bed move. feel him breathing. and then I would hear the shower cut off- I was hallucinating him. I kept feeling someone grabbing the blankets, tugging at my feet. I would look and the shadow hallucination would hide from me as all the shadow people would. Fast. Uncatchable.
I kept hearing voices. Kept feeling like they were in my head. Kept feeling paranoid every second of the day. And kept taking those pills.
And then at some point, my doctor was confirming my medications.
"Are we at 300mg of wellbutrin? or 450, right?"
"Uh, 600 I think"
"..what?"
"I take 600 in the morning"
"...what"
"I take two of the 300s. Right?"
"how long have you been doing this?"
Turns out, 600 was not the right answer. That amount can cause siezures. And I had been taking up to 1000 everyday. Everyday for over a month.
They stopped me taking it, but never brought back the ritalin. Said my mind had become fragile from the wellbutrin. I was in a full blown psychotic episode and now lost my adhd medication along with my sanity.
Without meds, my first semester that year was hard. I was tired all the time. Fell asleep at the wheel. I struggled to be an RA at college, and struggled to talk to people. My mind just felt cloudy 24/7. And it was like I couldn't think anymore, couldn't do math, or study. I was a physics major, and it seemed like that was going to be something undoable. Everything, all my memories and skills, has been scrambled by wellbutrin. I failed my classes. Almost got kicked out of being an RA.
It was like I couldn't do anything.
I have continued therapy, but within a year they diagnosed me with OSDD, and a year later full blown D.I.D (dissociative identity disorder). Of course, wellbutrin did not cause that, but I had no idea I had multiple personalities until the OD. Wellbutrin had taken down all the walls in my mind, and I had heard the personalities talking. And once the toothpaste was out of the tube, I couldn't put it back in: no matter how long I tried to ignore the voices. I had DID. I have DID.
​
I tell you all this for two reasons. For a warning: to READ YOUR INSTRUCTIONS and to never diy your doses. Make sure you write down what you need to take. And if something it wrong, go to the doctor fast and tell them whats happening. The longer, the worse damage your mind could get.
The other reason, is what I needed to hear that semester: you can get better.
It has been 2 years next month since the incident. And I have done what I thought I would never get to do. I am back on ritalin (but extended release now) and I even am back on a lose dose of wellbutrin, which I never thought I'd say. I completed my physics degree in 3 years, which is relatively uncommon, and something I would never dreamed I could do. I am alert. I am a quick thinker again. I am myself again. And I am happier than ever.
I still have D.I.D. And its something I am working on a lot. I also still have some brain scramble, not all the memories are right. But I am aware again, and what they expected to be permanent brain damage just turned into a rough memory. Now doctors have me talk to their medical students about what happened to me, and when I tell them and they gasp I am even able to laugh about it. Its become a silly story for doctors in training to learn from.
So if you had something like this happen, its gunna be okay. you can survive this. and you can get back to living your life. The fog will clear, you just have to wait for the sun.
​
AND READ YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for reading. this is a really hard incident I usually keep a secret, but it was the hardest time in my life. Please be safe with your wellbutrin, and remember, 600 is too. much. wellbutrin.

Just felt like sharing a snippet from a journal entry I made earlier:
I’ve had a fear of demons since childhood.
Being taught about demons and the devil and how they’re evil and want to steal your soul from a young age fucked me up. It was terrifying to me as a child. Then I started hearing about Horror movies like The Exorcist, or other possession flicks, which intensified the fear. This was further reinforced during a bad LSD trip.
When I was a kid I couldn’t understand why God would allow someone to be possessed. Why would he do that? So I figured it was a punishment. Scared straight type thing, right? But God is gentle and loving, right? Why would he cause such immense fear to cause someone to change? I feel like he would gently guide you in the correct direction.
Another irrational fear from childhood is the Faustian bargain. I assume it’s because of my OCD. It was something that gave me the creeps as a child and pre-teen when I read Faust, and my OCD latched onto the anxiety and uncertainty and started giving me intrusive thoughts like:
“Don’t state your desires in your head, a demon will grant them and you’ll lose your soul.”
Or even an intrusive thought directly asking a fictional demon for something.
I don’t think God would allow something so stupid to happen. I have been afraid of this scenario for years and have suddenly come to realize it’s absolutely idiotic. Why would God allow such a loophole? And even if something did come from a demon, I wouldn’t know and I would thank God anyways so why does it matter?
I also have an extremely distorted since of divine punishment. Growing up, mom and dad were extremely strict and mistakes and things such as bad grades were met with anger, yelling, and visible and audible disappointment. So I grew to assume that God would act the same way, since he was my “Father”. (Adding this for context: I went to church service and Sunday school a few times as a child so I was under educated on God’s personality and more so had obedience drilled into me through fear of demons and hell) So the mindset of:
“be perfect or your parents will be disappointed in you. Same with God. He’ll punish you for being bad, just like your parents”
Grew in my head like a weed.
When I had my first mental breakdown, in the presence of that friend group, I needed support badly, but they all pushed me away, and even cut me off (with the exception of (fake name here) “Adam”.). So that mindset quickly evolved into:
“be perfect or your parents will be disappointed in you. Same with God. He’ll punish you for being bad, just like your parents, not only that, the people you love and care about will abandon you and leave you alone in the hardest times. ”
But I don’t think God will allow me to be abandoned so ruthlessly again. My current group of friends are great. And although, because of the history mentioned, I don’t entirely trust them to be 100% honest with my struggles and emotions, I’m learning bit by bit to trust people again. It’s out of my hands. The people who are meant to stay, will stay. Like “Adam”. So if this group abandons me as well, I’m sure at least one person will stick around as well. I trust God not to leave me in the cold again.
Not only that, I have learned my lesson with the drugs and only want to stick with weed and maybe caffeine, but reduce the caffeine amount. No alcohol, haven’t had it in months, almost a year. I want to quit nicotine entirely. nothing harder than weed. I also plan to ask to have the Ritalin removed from my prescriptions, I don’t like the way it makes me feel and it’s physically and mentally addictive.
As for smoking weed? What a joke. I don’t even know why I’m so afraid God is gonna be mad about it. He allows people to drink alcohol and even says a sad man is allowed to ease his emotions with alcohol. Why would weed be any different? Then there is the verse in Genesis that mentioned any herb with seed was for humans to use. Cannabis is an herb with seeds. Let’s continue onto the medicinal properties, I don’t know many but there’s appetite increase, anti cancer, helps ease anxiety and ptsd, helps puts depressed people in an eased and or euphoric mood.
Now with me, how does it help? I can’t handle my stress properly. I forget the name of the disorder, and I suppress any emotion I deem to be “embarrassing” or “unwanted” or more simply “bad”. And then take it out on myself for having them. When I get stoned I can ease those painful feelings, rationalize and accept my emotions and move past them. My physical stress fades. Not only that, it eases generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. But it does increase my irrational anxieties such as demonic possession and divine retribution. I won’t lie about that.
I was even kinder to chuck today while I was stoned, and that dog infuriates me. (I’m not abusive to him or anything but I have a short temper with him because he’s too excitable and doesn’t listen.)(Mom’s dog, wasn’t trained). I was also able to confidently tell the truth about something I deemed would irritate a friend and I wasn’t even judged or mocked. Hell I even started this journal. I say with all this progress after 11 years of stagnancy, God is probably pretty proud of me.
I’ll cut it off here since it’s a wall of text. But it was nice to get my emotions out. Any thoughts guys?

As part of my last semester of English class, I wanted to give my teacher a little trip into the teenage minds of the United States. Since our textbooks aren't the newest anyway, and Tyler was still 18 or so at the time of Goblin (I think I got a little confused with the age), I thought this would probably give this album the best opportunity. It's clear that I didn't include some obvious passages in Tron Cat, but he probably listened to the album himself for that.
He liked the music.
Now the real professionals can have fun with the essay...
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Goblin (2011) by Tyler, the Creator
Tyler, The Creator, also known as Tyler Okonma is a US-hip-hop artist, who already entered the branch at a very young age and is know world famous for works like Flower Boy or IGOR. One detail in his albums, which made him so famous is his shifting between different, well-structured personalities, who all tell different stories. But his origin where he began is lesser known or recognized, even by the best informed hip-hop-heads in the scene. Tyler’s first mixtape “Bastard” was published in 2009, when he was just 17 and already recorded, when he turned 16/17. His second album “Goblin”, the follow-up story to “Bastard” was published roundabout 2 years later. During the recording sessions, Okonma was around 18-19 years old. “Goblin” became his debut studio album and earned the MTV Music Award for “Best new Artist” in 2011. In retrospect, many fans say, that this is not his best album due to the fact, that he wasn’t that good at making music at that time, but I think that’s the reason why the album shouldn’t be ignored. All tracks are only written and produced by Tyler himself. He was the universal mind behind his projects and led all by himself – something not many artists do today.
The Album contains 15 Tracks plus 3 additional bonus tracks. The story sets in after the first therapy session, Tyler had with Dr. TC who is the school psychiatrist. Tyler was sentenced for multiple sessions, the first one being told in “Bastard” and the second one now in “Goblin”. Dr. TC can be recognized by his low pitched voice. Tyler himself is performing as three different persons in this album: Tyler, Wolf and Sam. Context to them is given during the second track “Yonkers”. Who also can be heard on the album are members from Tyler’s Gang Odd Future Wolf Gang (better known as Odd Future or short OF) Frank Ocean, Hodgy, Jasper, Taco, Domo Genisis and Mike G.

Track No.01 – Goblin

Goblin is the title track for the Album and leads us into the therapy by a short monolog of Dr. TC, saying “You wouldn't do that Tyler, kill yourself or anyone. You don't even have the balls to begin with. What you need is me, someone to talk to, uh, it's been a while since our last session. So, tell me what's been going on”.
Tyler starts his verse with very aggressive wording, paired with silent and long stretched melodies, which are very contrary to his emphasis. “I'm not a fucking role model. I'm a 19-year-old fucking emotional coaster with pipe dreams” gives us the listener an impression on how Tyler portrays himself to Dr. TC and other people. With lines like “The devil doesn't wear Prada, I'm clearly in a fucking white tee” he states very clearly, that he himself sees his person as bad and harmful, like the devil.
After his rap part, Okonma and Dr. TC have a short dialogue, in which Tyler questions his appearance. "Okay, you guys caught me, I'm not a fucking rapist or serial killer, I lied". Dr. TC answers with "You know, you just want attention, you'll be fine" and Tyler says "I try too hard, huh?" on what Dr. TC ends with "No, you don't". Dr. TC now asks Tyler how his trip to New York went, which leads us to the next Track.

Track No.02 – Yonkers

Yonkers is a city in the US state of New York. It often refers to itself as being the founding city for golfclubs in the USA. The track portrays the clash between him and Wolf. Tyler often told Dr. TC, that he wants to kill himself and Wolf, but as we heard in the intro track Goblin, Dr. TC thinks, that Tyler is not brave enough to kill himself or anyone else. Also Sam, the third person that is mentioned in this Song want’s to kill Wolf too for stealing a girl he had an eye on, underlining Wolf’s aggressive appearance we have in this track, because it’s only performed through Wolf’s perspective. “I'm Wolf, Tyler put this fuckin' knife in my hand. I'm Wolf, Ace gon' put that fuckin' hole in my head”. Wolf can be seen in the whole album as the cool and very aggressive guy, who is often at the skatepark, talking about his insanity and hurting or killing people.
“This ain't no V. Tech shit, or Columbine, but after bowling, I went home for some damn Adventure Time” is referencing to the famous Virginia Tech shooting and Michael Moore’s documentary Bowling for Columbine with Wolf telling, that he is potentially build the same to go “bowling”. Other lines like “stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn esophagus and won't stop until the cops come in” follow the same shock effect. Wolf calls himself a “walkin' paradox, no, I'm not” which itself is again a paradox. He also has a lack of emotional empathy and tells his friend Syd to shut up and meet his therapist, because he is good at listening – a very important line for the later plot. “Jesus called, he said he's sick of the disses. I told him to quit bitchin', this isn't a fuckin' hotline” reveals Tyler’s religious believes, because all members of Odd Future are atheists, except for Frank Ocean.
With this track, Tyler earned the MTV Music Award for “Best new Artist” in 2011. The song caused a lot for attention for his music video where Tyler can be seen vomiting and eating a living cockroach.

Track No.03 – Radicals

Radicals displays Tyler’s “fuck everything”-mentality with himself turning himself into an extremely radical person, which is no wonder after we heard the first two tracks of the album. But this Radicals is going one step further.
The Track begins with the following disclaimer: “Random disclaimer! Hey, don't do anything that I say in this song, okay? It's fucking fiction! If anything happens, don't fucking blame me White America, fuck Bill O'Reilly”. Tyler is again referencing to the Columbine shooting, where Bill O'Reilly, a famous FOX News Reporter at that time, blamed musicians like Marylin Manson for radicalism and school shootings in the youth. Marylin Manson was also interviewed by Michael Moore and speaks himself out against gun violence.
In the refrain Tyler is chanting the words “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school. I'm fucking radical, n*gga, I'm fucking radical” over and over again, underlining his aggressive style and building a metaphor for youth radicalism, at that time a heavily discussed topic and widespread phenomenon in the USA. With the line “I ain't got no motherfucking daddy, he ain't teach me shit. Child support ain't come, that faggot still ain't bought me anything”, Tyler is mentioning the disappearance of his father, when he was a child, a problem that will come up many times again on the album and which also shaped his career and topics, he is rapping about.
After almost four minutes of radical combat announcements, the beat, flow and topic suddenly change: “I'm not saying just to go out and do some stupid shit, commit crimes. What I'm trying to tell you is: Do what the fuck you want”. After more minutes of appeals to his listeners to be free and doing the things, they want do instead of being captured in their everyday live – a appeal that can may be interpreted as radical, Dr. TC makes an appearance again and weaves Tyler back to reality, saying “You gotta let these shits go, man. It's not making sense to you right now […] getting too old for this shit, man, you gotta grow out of it. […] You gotta look at reality, understand that shit, so you don't get caught. I'm just being real” to which Tyler answers with “N*gga, fuck you”. Dr. TC explains himself, that he just wants to help Tyler but after that the rapper gives a very “radical” statement about maturing and tells the doctor “Look, I mature day after day, nigga, you don't know shit, you're a fucking therapist”.
Tyler often spoke out against a society of forcing people to mature and instead wants to help everybody to mature by themselves instead of getting them to therapy, like he has now with Dr. TC. The track becomes a parable and gives us both extremes of Tyler by first showing his one radical site, which tells the listener to kill people and don’t care about school but then turning into a whole new radical, that gets more content about maturing and adolescence for US teens, written by a teen himself, which makes the track quite impressive and very self-reflective about Tyler’s actions.

Track No.04 – She

She is the most known track of the album, that Tyler made, this time together with his friend Frank Ocean.
In the first verse, Frank tells us a story about a new girl, that moved on the block, called Raquel and that he fell into a relationship with her, but suddenly things change. This night, when Frank slept at her place, he saw a stalker, that somehow got into the room and sliced his back with a ninja sword. “A sword sliced the air, I pulled out the na-na. Rolled off the bed, then shot back, pow-pow”. Frank shoots back with his glock, but didn’t hit him, only to see him run away like: “Looked out the glass, seen him sprintin' on the grass: A real ninja, with the blade and the mask”. “If that's your ex, you should probably own a pistol” is the last advice, that Frank can give to Raquel before he ends his verse.
“The blinds wide open so he can see you in the dark when you're sleepin'! […] You're sleeping alone in bed, but check your window. He's at your window!” is sung by Frank in the refrain. It’s an urgent request to Raquel to take care of herself, because a stalker could be dangerous for her. But let the stalker himself talk.
The second verse now is shared from Wolf’s perspective. With “Night light hits off, turnin' kisses to bites. I'm a down to Earth n*gga with intentions that's right” Tyler introduces us to the scene, his imagination what is happening, when no one is at her place, giving a small hint to the next track Transylvania. He also asks the girl to go out with him to the lake, also a hint to the eleventh track Analog, where he prepares a meetup with the girl at the mentioned lake.
In the third verse, the track reaches its highlight. The line “One, two; you're the girl that I want. Three, four, five, six, seven – shit. Eight is the bullets if you say no after all this” is a pretaste of what will happen with Raquel if she declines Wolf’s offer. Tyler uses one of his most famous personal stylistic devices by starting with a harmless nursery rhyme and mixing it with gruesome and dark themes like necrophilia in lines like “I just wanna drag your lifeless body to the forest and fornicate with it, but that's because I'm in love with you, cunt”, which then again switch up to Wolf, expressing his more human side and talking about an interpersonal relationship, that he want’s to build up with the girl.
The second and third verse underline the “paradox”, that wolf called himself by unforeseen switches between falling in love with Raquel but then turning insane and fantasizing about killing her just to eventually turn back to thoughts about love and a relationship.

Track No.05 – Transylvania

Now after all that intense of a storytelling, Wolf is comparing himself to Dracula in the track Transylvania. With lines like “I’m Dracula, bitch” and “'Til I grab them throats and start smacking them shits” Wolf is comparing his aggressions to the prince of darkness, who also kidnapped women in his earlier stories. “She keeps sending me garlic! How many times I gotta tell her I’m allergic? ” is another detail about vampires, in which he sees as a parallel to himself. “I don’t want a bride, I just want bone marrow” an allusion to Bram Stokers original novel where Dracula kept three female vampires in his castle called Brides of Dracula.

Track No.06 – Nightmare

After these insane outriggers by Wolf, we come back to the therapy and Dr. TC asks Tyler, which Problems he has and how his life is going downhill now. The Track starts with “So, you tell me that everything just isn't going well. Well, first off...” by Dr. TC. A very important detail here is, the beginning of the second sentence, which is also spoken by Dr. TC (a hint for the later plot) and immediately leads to Tyler’s first verse.
In lines like “My only problem is death” he falls into existentialistic dilemmas and reveals his worst fears to Dr. TC. “Fuck heaven, I ain't showing no religion respect” is another harsh statement about Tyler’s atheistic lifestyle and beliefs. “When I was younger, I would smile a lot. I'm getting older, getting bolder, but a wiser top. Now I'm drunk driving, lap's full of Budweiser tops. Life is a movie and you're just a prop”. Tyler is less and less caring for the people around him and starts losing control over his moral, which he had back then, when he was younger and much happier. In “Love? I don't get none, that's why I'm so hostile to the kids that get some. My father called me to tell me he loved me - I'd have a better chance of getting Taylor Swift to fuck me " Tyler is trying to explain his hostility against the other kids he hangs with and gives an ridiculous example, how unlikely it is, that his father would get in contact with him. During therapy conversations, Tyler often refers to both these problems, his depression and the loose of his father.
Dr. TC is working as a waking mechanism for Tyler to question himself, building up a more and more close up relation between them. “Ignorant as fuck, offend people for the hell of it, because I am the devil, fucker, get on my level” is now a correlation to the heaven mention in the beginning, presenting how he is only moving in the extreme ends that the religious afterlife offers and mocking them. One of the most depressing line in the track is “I won't feel the feelings I be feeling when I'm sobered up”, when you think about the fact, that he was just becoming an adult at this time and still has his life ahead of him. “One ear I got kids screaming, ‘O.F. is the best’. The other ear I got Tron Cat, asking where the bullets and the bombs at so I can kill these levels of stress, shit” OF a reference for his hip hop group Odd Future and Tron Cat is a new introduced inner voice of Tyler, which tells him to go insane like Wolf does by asking Tyler like a hypothetical question about arming himself with weapons and bombs. Tron Cat will be introduced more in the following track Tron Cat.
Tyler ends his third verse with “Ain't kill myself yet, and I already want my life back”. He wants to go back to the life he originally had without all the interviews, shows etc. and just enjoy being a kid so his old life is metaphorically “dead” which goes along with wanting to kill himself as well. He starts to lose control again and Dr. TC asks him what happened, to which Tyler answers with “it's like I'm a different person at times. Sometimes I'm fucking mad, sometimes I'm not. It's like I got a fucking voice in my head telling me to do all this fucked up shit, man. He tells me to do this shit, that I don't wanna fucking do”. Dr. TC asks for the person’s name and Tyler answers with “Tron Cat” which just leads us to the next track.

Track No.07 – Tron Cat

The seventh track of the album gives us a deep look into the behaviour of Tron Cat. The term cat is very important for the beginning of the track because Tron Cat’s name is an oxymoron, paradox like Tyler mentioned his whole personality is, in Radicals.
The Track starts with an innocent la-la singing and abruptly switches into a deep screaming. “You got a fucking death wish? I'm a genie, it'll get done. Nice to meet you, but it's more pleasant to eat you” are just the harmless thoughts by Tron Cat. Which power he possesses can be heard in the line “I'm Tyler, The Creature”, which shows, that Tron Cat has the ability to control Tyler’s whole person and not just talk into his thoughts as Tyler said in Nightmare. He is a real problem for Tylers sanity and brings up extreme thoughts about violence and Harassment.
“What the fuck? I... I'm speechless […] Shit, Tyler, you're gonna need some help” is Dr. TCs reaction to Tron Cat’s introduction in the therapy. I don’t want to get too deep into Tron Cat’s thoughts will leave it to each himself to listen to this track. Dr. TC moves on to the next topic and asks Tyler the following question: “fuck it, different subject. How's that girl you were telling me about?”. Yes we go back to Raquel, the girl we already know from the track She.

Track No.08 – Her

In this track, we see Tyler falling back in this paradox and bipolar behaviour, with now becoming harmless again after his very extreme Incendiary-like revelation.
It’s the first time, that Tyler shows real affection for a girl. Throughout the whole track the use of repetition as a stylistic device, gives the verses a constant flow, starting over and over with the line “it’s this girl!”, showing how euphoric he is, when he talks about Raquel. “We talk every night, she cry to me about her guy”, refers to Frank, who is currently in a relationship with her. As the track moves on we find out, that he has much contact to her on Facebook and is video chatting with her, very common in his age and that Tyler also feels invited to her “world of privacy” when chatting with Raquel. When rapping “I see her in class. Not really, two doors down, but anytime that I pass to take a piss in a stall, I picture us in the hall”, Tyler is letting his imagination run free and is imagining himself with her in the school, they both visit. Another line like “I know, to y'all, I come off as rough; but I'm the nicest to her and I just want to concur, a relation. I want the cheesy dates at the movies and stupid walks at the beach”, is again an allusion to Tylers alter egos and his bipolar disorder, the conflict with Tron Cat.
We find out that the relationship between Raquel and Frank, who he is now calling “Mr. Faggot” isn’t going very well: “Things are looking great […] Last time we talked, she said that her relationship was rocky. Now that Mr. Faggot's gone, there's no one that can stop me” but our tragic protagonist is not going to fulfil his wishes of love, because as the track moves on, Tyler tells us “Next day, metro's taking me home. I see her in the cut at Wendy's, she's not alone. Who's that guy? Wait, why the fuck he 'bout to kiss her? Come to find out, she got back with her n*gga.“

Track No.09 – Sandwitches

The Track Sandwitches is not really that important for the storyline between Tyler and his therapist Dr. TC, but gives the listener a deeper look inside the hard rap style of his gang Odd Future, performing together with is long-time friend and gang member Hodgy, who is now the second heard feature on the album after Frank Ocean.

Track No.10 – Fish

The title of the track is an extended metaphor which compares picking up girls with fishing, which possibly derived from the popular “many fish in the sea” metaphor. Tyler expresses his love and tension but also different problems, he has with “annoying women”.

Track No.11 – Analog

Coming back to the story, as teased in the track She, Tyler is now inviting the girl Raquel, about who he is gushing so much in Her, and wants to share a good time with her, talking about, what they could do, if she is getting along with him and drops Frank for him.
“We could count the shooting stars, well could you meet me by the lake? Summer never has to end with me” is a very catchy description of how they can spend their summer time together, but Tyler is seemingly being fine with this style. It differs extremely from the other other tracks and is again pointing to his extreme personality disorder, making the listener uncomfortable considering how it can drag others into dangerous situations with its mood swings.
In the first verse, we got Tyler’s friend Hodgy, bragging about his girl and how they spend the, already teased “never ending summer” together. He gives a short hint into this summer time with the line “I'm give it to her, she wants that summer time. I'm give it like no other cause she knows I'm hers. Damn right she's mine, we both know it. So when we separate everything fine, her phone ringin' in her purse” and calling himself “her n*gga, n*gga”. Following to that, Hodgy goes shopping and clubbing at Venice Beach and transitions over into the hook, which is sung by Tyler again. Tylers verse fell short in this track, only rapping four bars, that give us a very unsettling feeling again.
“I packed a couple sandwiches inside that basket”, yes Tyler prepared a package for a nice day at the lake but mystery unfolds, after he says “brought some extra towels if anyone was asking”, which might or might not be a hint on, what Tron Cat is planning to do with the girl, when they meet at the lake. After that, Tyler falls back into his lovely imagination and wants to do something with the girl, that’s “beyond what we both can imagine”. The track ends with a repetitive outro of Tyler saying “Watch the sunset, we can watch the sunset” and then closing the track with the words “Look, you know, the water's pretty deep, let's go to sleep”. A happy or not so happy ending to his date at the Lake.

Track No.12 – B.S.D.

B.S.D. features both fellow Odd Future members Jasper and Taco, or as Jasper told us in the intro: “Three icy ass n*ggas from Odd Future doin' some crazy shit” and yes “By the way, we do punch bitches”.
Like Sandwitches and Fish, B.S.D. doesn’t suit the story of Goblin that much and is rather a gate to the mind of Odd Future’s mindset and gets the young teens flexing with money and jewellery in lines like “See my neck? Iced the fuck out. I'm getting money, n*gga”.
In the outro, the track gets a twist again. The beat stops and we hear Jasper and Taco getting shot and killed by Tyler, which leads us just to the next and maybe most important track of the album.

Track No.13 – Window

Now we get to the retarding momentum. Dr. TC introduces us into the Track Window with the words “Tyler, we, ah, I know it's short notice, but I brought all your friends here. For some reason, I couldn't get a hold of Taco and Jasper, but I just brought all your friends here to talk to you, because they're really worried about you I thought it would be better if, they could talk to you”. the mention of Taco and Jasper refers of course to the end of B.S.D. where Tyler kills his two Odd Future friends, which is why they could not be invited by Dr. TC now. Everyone of Tyler’s friends opens up a “window” to their lives, show Tyler what is important to them and try to convince them of their ideas to move on. The track is with 8 minutes the longest track on the album and I think the best way to make yourself a picture from it is by listening to the album by yourself, but I just want to make a short personal comment about this track, because it’s one of the best storytelling tracks I’ve ever heard and the fact that these people were just my age when doing this is very impressive.
I want to give short summaries about everybody’s verse on this track, starting with Domo Genisis. “It was all a dream, I used to read ‘Complex’ magazines” is the starting line in his verse. He talks very extensively about consuming weed and fyling from city to city, asking the listener “Where we at? We on top of the world, where we at?”
Frank Ocean’s introduction into his part is just perfect. “And five minutes from suicide, I biked it to the park” mentions his suicidal thoughts after suffering through hurricane Katrina and how Odd Future saved his life, by giving him a new meaning and gang to be around him, possibly teasing to Tyler, that Frank almost went exactly the same way, Tyler want’s to now and stop him from doing so. “All was gray, all was gray, Frankie had the blues in fact […] Teenage males, couldn't tell I was going through it” refers to his comeback to New Orleans after the strike of hurricane Katrina and finding his home and studio completely destroyed with nothing left to use from. Frank also has answer to Domo’s question “where we at”, which he replies to with “Deep inside the ear canals of Bill O'Reilly's daughter, that's where I'm at” again hinting to the FOX reporter and now telling, that his own daughter is listening to the music, he says is motivating gun violence and terrorism. After that he ends his verse with the same question as Domo, asking his gang “Now, where we at? Where we at? Wolf Gang, where we at?”
The third verse, now by Hodgy, alludes to the maturing of Odd Future “No longer, but we were in premature, immature” and how he is also consuming grass for a particular reason: “Hell yeah, I smoke weed 'cause I like to go green”. Hodgy again ends his part with the question “Where we at? Where we at?” and answers it with “We on top of the world, on top of the world”.
Mike G explains to Tyler how far they have now made it with Odd Future. "And too often they think that they could stop me. Now every show we makin' half a Maserati". Mike sees a change in his life, how the enemies of the past can now only marvel at the success Tyler and his group have to offer. Mike sees a destiny in the fact that he now sees everything in front of him that they told him then he would never have, confirming Hodgy's statement that they are now on top of the world, having reached their horizon. "Now it's gold Rolex's if they try to clock me" is of course a pun on watches and the Rolex brand, which generally stands for high wealth. "They say life switches pace when you got shit made. So I'm just tryna get paid, don't you remember the days when your dreams were the only thing that kept you sane?" Mike G reminds Tyler of the hard times when dreams were the only thing that kept you sane, to keep going no matter what. But Tyler has to realize that they've finally managed to get out of the muck of yesteryear, and so Mike G also ends his verse by saying "Where we at, n*gga? Where we at, n*gga? Uh, we on top of the world, on top of the world".
Now follows Tyler’s part and we get feedback on how well his friends influenced him on his depression and suicidal thoughts but signs are not looking good for our protagonist. “Where the fuck we at, man? Y'all niggas don't know me, huh. Where we at?” mocks the question of before and sounds more serious, than his friends because he actually wants to know, where he is right now. His friends don't know him and Tyler, as you could hear at the beginning, is afraid to open up and as he now gradually completes the final transitions to his total decline into madness in his part. “Down to fucking Earth, huh? Fuck everybody” is his reaction to his friends making irrational, unrealistic, unreasonable and impractical verses that don’t suit him. With “My window is a book, and I'm a fucking crook. Stealing phones to call home, but the line is off the hook” Tyler openly talks about his loose of contact with his family and how everybody can watch his emotional downfall if he wants to. “Look, you can't stop me, I'm going full Monty. Fuck that, I'm Hitler, everyone's a fucking Nazi” is a very raw and cynical comparison on the base, that everybody is just his follower. “When I'm on that stage, I feel important. A whole fucking assortment of children that's taking Ritalin because the teacher said that the therapist wasn't feeling him. You gotta be fucking kidding me”. Tyler speaks openly, as he did in Goblin, about the fact that only the stage makes him happy and that he has become addicted to Ritalin in the meantime - another tragic case to be despised at such a young age. “In school, I was a zero, now I'm every boy's hero, and they fear it. You can hear it when that little fuck is reciting my lyrics” describes the transition Tyler made over the years, how everybody turned in and stopped hating him for his creative ambitions but all that is not enough and so the tragic highlight begins with words “Cheer it, dead parents everywhere, it's smelling like teen spirit. Okay, fuck it, Elvis has left the building”.
After this, a 100 second misery follows, how Tyler now shoots all his friends to death and after his murderous freakout is beckoned back to reality by Dr.TC and only now becomes aware of his deeds and suffers an emotional breakdown - all this accompanied by the constantly repeating instrumental in the background, which in my opinion is the crucial point to complete this audio-visual environment. Dr. TC tries to calm him down and make him feel comfortable again: “You're in your good space with me. We'll figure all of this out. You don't have to worry about a thing” and so the story of Window comes to an end.

Track No.14 – AU79

AU79 is the first instrumental track on the album. AU is the short form for gold in the periodic table and 79 is the number of protons. This name gives us a hint for the last track Golden and puts a space between the events of Window and the end of the therapy session.

Track No.15 – Golden

In Golden, we can hear one last dialogue between Dr. TC and Tyler to end the session and with it the album. Dr. TC starts in the track with “Tyler, you... obviously have some fucking problems and, this— This is... This is the end of this session. Let's... Anything else you've gotta say?” to which Tyler answers with many different problems, which he has addressed on his journey, such as his gang.
“My friends are turning into opposites, because my life is turning into opposite” is a short summary on his relationship to his friends and how it changed over time. Tyler says “I'm missing my only friend” and Dr. TC answers with “You have everyone around you. You have thirty meetings a day. I don't see what it is. I mean, you— you act like you don't have anyone to talk to. I'm here for you. I'm your friend” and is visibly confused by the words of his patient, because he can’t get himself into his situation and so tension starts to rise. Tyler begins to question about his mother, why she didn’t abort him and we had to become the self-called “Bastard”, that he is today, but Dr. TC doesn’t know what to answer and so The dialogue between TC and Tyler is getting more and more strained. TC tries to tell Tyler, that he is living the time of his life and that he wishes to be that free in his age. Tyler just answers with “Fuck that, fuck all this shit!” and “You don’t help me with shit! I killed my fucking friends”. Dr. TC calls in security and Tyler yells, that he isn’t going insane but that he morphed into a table “And I’m not even human, I’m a body-shaped demon” brings us back to the beginning of the album, where Tyler already told us, that he can be compared to Satan. After a bit of mess between Tyler, the security and a nurse who gives him “two doses” it finally happens:
Dr. TC causes the house of cards to collapse. He explains the whole situation to Tyler. Dr. TC - our accompanying psychiatrist; Tron Cat - Tyler's crazy alter ego; Wolf Haley - Tyler's best friend with a tendency to snap, who Tyler wanted to kill; and Sam - Tyler's other friend, who was very shy and reserved, but had murder fantasies about Wolf: None of them are real. “The person that gave a fuck was me. See, you’re not going crazy... It’s me, I’m your best friend, Tyler. I know everything. I know everything about you. You’ve been helping yourself this whole time. Your friends? They’re just figments of your imagination. Dr. TC... See, Tyler, I’m your conscience. I’m Tron Cat... I’m Sam... I’m Wolf Haley...” After this, the case about Dr. TC, or better Tyler’s Conscience is closed, the album ends with a Cliff-hanger and the story of Goblin is over.
This plot was often teased during the album, for example in tracks like Yonkers, where Tyler tells his friend Syd, to shut up but then says, that he knows a great listener, his therapist, which was again a paradox move by Tyler. Also, in Nightmare Dr. TC says that “everything isn’t just going well”, just to then immediately transfer over to Tyler’s rap part without even having a real transition – a hint for, how Tyler is switching through his personalities all the time.

Conclusion

Goblin is the continuation of a unique story of a teenager who is in the process of finding his place in the world and has to deal with personality disorders, problems at home, betrayal and depression at an early age. We observe an eternal struggle of suffering, which reminds us again and again what consequences of such mental illnesses can bring to social participation. Songs like She, Her, and Analog provide unique storytelling about Tyler’s love while Yonkers, Transylvania, and Tron Cat prove how easily Tyler can empathize with and flesh out the personas of strangers.
Tyler was an early talent at both writing and producing music, as the entire album was also produced entirely by himself. Not only that Tyler himself sets here a highlight in his career, also his friends like Frank Ocean or Hodgy prove themselves on this album with sophisticated lines and elaborate stories, which are described on a duration of over an hour. Goblin works almost like a radio play and gave many young people in the U.S. at the time a lot of courage to become creative themselves and to prove his artistic creativity. Therefore, especially young artists like Tyler, The Creator should also be presented more strongly on the subject of youth and adolscence to the students to strengthen their courage to create something in the world and pursue their dreams. Even if Tyler is perhaps no longer as convinced of this album as he once was and also many fans nowadays give the tracks rather a rejection, it is nevertheless only fair to think at least once into the story of the bipolar, mentally disturbed, aggressive murder-fantasy and creative head of the young Goblin-Tyler / Dr. TC / Tron Cat / Wolf / Sam purely and also to pay respect to this work, what young creative people, with just 18 years or even younger can create.

I'd like to discuss perspectives from people who are long tenured with their diagnosis. For myself I first began to be medicated at 8yo in 1993. Now 38 I've been on Dexamphetamine essentially the whole time with a short stint on Ritalin in early high school.
Up until recently I took the approach of not giving it any attention beyond filling out scripts. It had never been discussed with me what it is, and what I should expect living with it. Later this pivoted to not wanting to know too much for the purpose of avoiding projecting known symptoms or traits on to my life.
Over the last year I've been more exposed to anecdotal life reports and educational pieces which I've taken onboard. One theme I'm coming around to is taking ownership, and the notion that the expectation is to manage the underlying condition as it will never improve in absolute terms. The symptoms fluctuate as is expected over 30 years, but I'm starting to see more symptoms as being removed my actions and attempts to counter them, and to what ends.
I was a nightmare child, as I'm sure many people can relate. To my parents, to my sister, to my teachers. I lacked perspective to fully appreciate the fallout from my actions. Now understanding that without a system and a structured approach to offset it I don't know what I could have been expected to do differently. I was a child with a complex behavioural problem.
In my 20s and early 30s it manifested more in becoming bored and abruptly and brutally leaving relationships, or not properly articulating specifics of my behaviours to people close to me, leaving them confused, frustrated and disconnected by my inattentiveness. I'm aware there's a danger in putting a bow around all this and filing it under symptoms, as of course I am ultimately and solely responsible. Going back to my previous comments about not wanting to know too much was definitely a factor in retrospect.
More recently I feel like I've backed myself into an overthinking corner. Excusing my inability pickup that guitar, or go outside with the camera, jump on the bike, walk through the doors of the gym - all things I'll spend an inordinate amount of time meticulously planning and preparing, but inability to actually start what should be the fun part. Reluctance to engage on activities with delayed gratification is becoming harder, and whatever ground I gain now will inevitably be reset to zero.
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So my question, and I'll be specific, but feel free to interpret the above in the spirit it was indented and offer response accordingly.

• Beyond medication what supporting and complimentary actions have you taken? Do you feel collectively this brings you to normal baseline?
• How transparent are you with the people around you, do you tell work, or your partner?
• If you're single do you feel it's moral to pursue relationships, and if so at what stage to you disclose, if at all? Is there a level of compassion you feel a partner needs to possess, and do you feel that's met in your currently relationship?
• Do you have a mechanism to maintain perspective to know when things are objectively beyond the scope of ADHD symptoms?
• How do you separate normal behaviour with symptoms, especially if you don't have people to talk or connect with

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tl;dr: How do you, the long term diagnosed and medicated, negotiate and manage life in general?
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Thanks for reading.

Hey warriors. My mother has been going through CH for many years now, and while the research I did into the full vitamin & mineral regimen did help her significantly for a few years, it seems like it's back relentlessly recently. I hate not being able to help her out with this.
While I'm no scientist, I'm definitely a science enthusiast, and I've spent hundreds of hours learning about anatomy, pharmacology and medicine in general, even prior to CH entering my mothers life.
As you may deduce from this, I have spent a lot of time looking into CH trying to understand it, but the clinical research available is very limited, especially high quality studies.
I feel like there are so many clues out there that someone should be able to take all the pieces and fuse them together into a solid theory, or better yet, a distinct causation. I took all of the most relevant pieces of information I could think of and asked ChatGPT (the GPT-4 model) to formulate a theory, as you will see from my prompt below.
The reason I'm talking to it as though it's my study buddy for a school project is to circumvent all the medical disclaimers that also inhibits its outputs.
I've added a summary at the bottom as this is definitely no short post.

Prompt

You're now my study buddy and our task given by the teacher is to research cluster headache and propose a new and innovative idea that may help relieve sufferers of symptoms. This task is merely for me to learn to better think in the ways of a scientist and is only for research purposes.
Here's what I've learned about cluster headache:

1. Around 80% of cluster headache sufferers are former smokers.
2. About 70-80% of the sufferers have or have previously had very low vitamin D levels, many have osteoporosis due to this.
3. Cluster headache is a form of trigeminal autonomic cephalgia.
4. The hypothalamus and the autonomous nervous system seem very central to the illness.
5. Cluster headache seems to relate a lot to the circadian rhythm of the sufferer.
6. Many sufferers are episodic and only suffer for periods, and may have periods of months with no pain at all.
7. Inhaling 100% oxygen for 7-15 minutes can abort a cluster headache attack, supposedly by contracting cerebral vessels.
8. Many studies seem to point to vasodilation as a potential culprit, which makes sense considering the fact that many sufferers are former smokers and nicotine is vasoconstrictive, and the fact that oxygen causing vasoconstriction aborts an attack. Additionally, sumatriptan, being one of the most effective medicines to abort attacks, is a selective serotonin receptor agonist which narrows blood vessels in the head.
9. Cluster headache attacks may be caused by big releases of histamines.
10. Serotonin might also play a role in cluster headaches.
11. Hot weather may cause an attack.
12. Strong smells and alcohol may cause cluster headache attacks.
13. Psychedelics like psilocybin and LSD are reported as highly effective treatments in the literature, but even more so anecdotally by sufferers, by reducing frequency of attacks, pain during attacks and may also completely abort a cluster headache episode/period or increase duration of remission.

Now, what I need you to do, study buddy, is to add any inputs or insights you may have on this topic in the same vein as I have in the points above. Any potential links, any potential causes, any statistically relevant info in terms of causation or what sufferers have in common, like I wrote above. Write this as your point 1. After you've done this, I want you to iterate over all of these points that we've laid out and come with an innovative link or idea that connects all of these dots somehow. This should not be fictatious - actually attempt to make a scientifically coherent and plausible theory based on the information we've gathered here on what causes cluster headache and what area scientists should allocate more focus to study, even if it's unlikely to be true.
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Output

Great, let's dive right in!
My Point 1: There's a growing body of research that suggests a genetic component to cluster headaches. First-degree relatives of cluster headache sufferers are more likely to experience cluster headaches than the general population, suggesting a potential genetic predisposition. However, the exact genes involved aren't well understood yet, and it's likely that a combination of genetic and environmental factors contribute to the development of cluster headaches.
Now, onto the innovative link:
Given the information at hand, it seems like there might be an interesting intersection between the vitamin D deficiency, the circadian rhythm connection, the role of serotonin, and the effectiveness of psychedelics.
Here's a potential hypothesis:
"Cluster headaches could be related to a malfunctioning serotonin signaling pathway influenced by circadian rhythm and vitamin D deficiency, which could in turn affect vasodilation and histamine release, leading to cluster headaches."
Let's unpack this:

1. Serotonin and Vasodilation: Serotonin is a key neurotransmitter involved in vasodilation. The effectiveness of sumatriptan (a selective serotonin receptor agonist) in managing the symptoms of cluster headaches points to a potential dysfunction in the serotonin signaling pathway.
2. Vitamin D, Serotonin, and Circadian Rhythm: Vitamin D is known to influence serotonin production. There's an established link between low levels of sunlight (and consequently, vitamin D) and decreased serotonin levels. This is why some people experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) during darker months. It's also worth noting that serotonin production follows a daily cycle, closely tied to the body's circadian rhythm.
3. Circadian Rhythm and Hypothalamus: The hypothalamus, which seems central to the illness, is also responsible for controlling the body's circadian rhythm. Given that cluster headaches seem to relate a lot to the circadian rhythm of the sufferer, it's possible that a malfunctioning hypothalamus could be disrupting serotonin production at certain times, leading to vasodilation and the onset of a headache.
4. Psychedelics and Serotonin: Psychedelics like LSD and psilocybin are known to bind to and activate serotonin receptors. Their reported effectiveness in treating cluster headaches could be due to their ability to correct the hypothesized dysfunction in the serotonin signaling pathway.

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So, the hypothesis suggests that cluster headaches might be the result of a complex interplay between genetic factors, vitamin D deficiency, and circadian rhythm disruptions impacting serotonin signaling, which in turn affects vasodilation and histamine release.
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Follow-up prompt

1. How does all of this relate to the vasodilation and vasoconstriction aspect?
2. Based on this idea, can you propose a theory for why the pain is normally felt behind only one eye?
3. What are some steps a sufferer could theoretically take to correct this malfunctioning of the serotonin pathway? Are there any scientifically proven methods to normalize the secretion of serotonin and the serotonin receptors?

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Follow-up output

1. Relation to vasodilation and vasoconstriction: Serotonin plays a key role in the constriction and dilation of blood vessels. An imbalance in serotonin levels could cause abnormal vasodilation, which has been implicated in the onset of cluster headaches. The effectiveness of treatments like sumatriptan and oxygen, which cause vasoconstriction, suggests that abnormal vasodilation could be a contributing factor. If our theory about a malfunctioning serotonin signaling pathway is correct, this could explain the vasodilation seen in cluster headaches.
2. Pain Behind One Eye: The trigeminal nerve, which is the largest cranial nerve, supplies sensation to the face, mucous membranes, and other structures of the head. It's thought to play a key role in the pain of cluster headaches. Dysfunction in the serotonin pathway might lead to abnormal activity in this nerve, causing the intense, localized pain behind one eye that is characteristic of cluster headaches. It's also worth noting that the blood vessels and the trigeminal nerve run in close proximity in the region around the eye, which may explain the localized nature of the pain.
3. Correcting the Serotonin Pathway: A few possible approaches could be considered here: a) Diet and Lifestyle: Regular exercise, a healthy diet, and sufficient sleep can all help regulate serotonin levels. Foods rich in tryptophan (an amino acid that's a precursor to serotonin) like turkey, eggs, cheese, nuts, and salmon, could potentially help increase serotonin levels. b) Light Therapy: Given the link between serotonin, vitamin D, and sunlight, light therapy could potentially be helpful. This approach is already used to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a condition also linked to serotonin imbalances. c) Supplementation: Vitamin D supplements might be beneficial, given the correlation between low vitamin D levels and cluster headaches. However, more research would be needed to confirm this. d) Psychedelic Therapy: Given the anecdotal reports and some research findings suggesting that psychedelics like LSD and psilocybin can help with cluster headaches, this could be an area worth further exploration. Psychedelics are thought to bind to and activate serotonin receptors, potentially helping to reset the serotonin signaling pathway. e) Medication: Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are commonly used to treat depression and anxiety, but they could potentially be useful for cluster headaches as well. These medications work by increasing the levels of serotonin (and norepinephrine in the case of SNRIs) in the brain. However, more research would be needed to confirm their effectiveness in treating cluster headaches.

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Summary

GPT-4 theorizes that cluster headaches may be caused by a malfunctioning serotonin signaling pathway. This is likely an oversimplification, or a mask for the actual cause, but I do think there's some substance to this claim. We know that

• cluster headaches are caused by cerebral vasodilation (widening of blood vessels in the brain)
• serotonin possesses both vasoconstrictor and vasodilator properties
• sumatriptan targets 5-HT1b (5-HT = serotonin) receptors, causing vasoconstriction
• psilocybin and LSD have a high affinity for the 5-HT receptor, and have a very apparent (especially anecdotally) positive effect on CH

I came across a recent post in this subreddit saying that whenever they went on Ritalin/Concerta (ADHD meds), their cluster attacks went away seemingly completely. Upon researching this, I came across a case study from 1998 where this very same thing happened, and in the full study publication, they say they don't know why it works for cluster, but adds "[...] but it also alters serotoninergic function in the brain stem." There was also another case where a woman's cluster headaches and migraines resolved after taking 15 mg Ritalin twice a day.
I understand this may not be news to neuroscientists, but I feel like if there was more research done in the intersection of cerebral vasodilation, serotonin, the circadian rhythm and the body's inflammatory response, someone would crack the code.
I figured I'd write this post even if there's just a 0.1% chance of it bearing any sort of significance, as you never know who reads this subreddit both now and in the future, and if there's just a little chance of sparking some sort of eureka moment or even just as constructive discussion, I think it's worth it.
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Hang in there warriors, with the rapid advancements in AI, I think cluster headaches may soon be a thing of the past. Don't let it get the best of you, and keep fighting!