Confused, whether my ex was narcissist or I was doubting all along?
Hey, just wanted to come here and share my story. I am 20-year-old (F). Last year in July, I came across a guy (30M) on an app. We shared same ethnicity but he was living abroad for past decade. We matched, we clicked and I thought this was the man I had been looking for all my life. He seemed so sweet, fun to talk and charming. One thing that pulled me toward him was his respectful and polite attitude towards me (this was big for me since I am coming from a rough childhood), he used to call me 'Miss', respected my opinions, shared his own without making me feel uncomfortable and we were kind of cloning each other. Our beliefs and moral values seemed very similar.
We talked for about two weeks and it was a detailed discussion on life and how we view it. Later on, he told me he was looking for something serious and I, who is coming from traditional muslim culture, wanted nothing more than a serious relationship (marriage). So he sent a proposal my home, his family came and met my family (that is how it happens in our culture). My family was little hesitant because we did have some cultural differences but I wasn't too noisy about it. Long story short, we got engaged in the following September. He couldn't come so his mother fulfilled his duty that was to slip the ring on my finger. After the ceremony I video-called him, excited, and told him about the day and expressed how happy I am. I was expecting something, maybe a little spark in his eyes or something sweet to say but he wasn't reciprocating the enthusiasm. He only smiled and talked a few and that's it. Oftentimes I felt like he wasn't expressing enough but I never let my head go south. I always gave myself an explanation for his actions. Everything was going fine until he had to come to his home country for his father's surgery. During those times, I did my best to remain supportive, empathetic. I gave him space, stood beside him, cheered him up.
A few days before the surgery, he decided to meet me out of a blue and yes, this was first physical interaction. I was in uni when he told me and like every other girl, I wanted our first meeting to be special. For those who are unfamiliar of muslim traditions, it is not preferable to meet alone before nikkah (the marriage ceremony). So my family wanted someone with us and I wasn't much in favour of it. I knew my boundaries and just wanted to have some good time with him. Therefore, I asked him to reschedule so I can convince my family to allow us to meet in a public place. I was only 19 and considering my age, I didn't have much authority to take such decisions. He, on the other hand, got furious because I asked him to reschedule. I felt bad for breaking him as he said he was excited to meet me and he needed me the most in hard times like these. I felt guilty but the next day, we met. He came to my home to pick me up, had a chat with my family. My family (uncle and aunt since I'm living with them after my parents' divorce) allowed us to have dinner.
During the dinner date, I was nervous. My body felt shivers and I couldn't understand whether it was from excitement or anxiousness. He was driving quite rashly, I am also a driver so the reckless driving didn't scare me, i trusted him on this but I knew something about him was the reason behind my sweaty palms. I just couldn't spot it. We remained silent throughout the drive, I wanted to speak and I tried to initiate but he kept it short. Only music was filling the silence. We reached to a mall and I was observing whether he will open the door for me but to my surprise, he didn't. Instead he walked ahead of me. Watching him speeding off didn't leave a good feeling in my chest. He wanted a coffee so we went to get one. I didn't get anything for myself because all of a sudden I wasn't hungry anymore and also I forgot my wallet at home and my self respect didn't allow me to get anything. He ordered a burger for himself and shared some bites with me. I noticed he didn't pull out a chair for me nor did he let me step in and out of elevator first. Throughout the eating process, he remained silent and looked around. I felt awkward as I am lively person and this was the man I wanted to talk to the most. It was just an awkward silence that I wasn't expecting to be a part of our first date at all. He didn't feel like the man I was talking to on phone. That man was responsive, loving. This was just something else.
We went back to the car, again him leading and I following him in heels. Just when I was putting seatbelt on, he kissed me. It was my first kiss and he totally caught me off guard. Right after that he gave me a smug smile. He kissed me again and I was long lost to react on anything. It was a lot. I wanted to stop him but my feelings for him got a hold on me. I regretted that but I couldn't stop it. After dropping me home, he left a text "I had a great time with you". Whereas, I was convincing myself that I had a good time as well.
After that we didn't talk much about this dinner but a question remained in my mind, "how did he find me?" because to me, he was handsome and I was strongly attracted to him but I never got the clarity on how did I look to him, especially after spending time with him I got more curious. I offered him my support during the tough time and chose not to ask him the question. After his father's surgery, he kept forcing me to have lunches with him and i had without my family's knowing. After our every meet-up the question began eating my head a little more. Finally, after some days I decided to ask the question. To which he got mad. He blamed me for stressing him and accusing him of not liking me even though I just meant to ask him if he liked me. I needed reassurance but he got defensive and "warned" me that my fears and overthinking will ruin our relationship. That was the first stroke that hit my heart and I couldn't believe what happened with me. I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep The next day he acted completely normal and love-bombed me as if nothing happened. I remained silent to avoid conflict.
A few days later, he asked me to accompany him to his home that was in another city (his father's surgery took place in my city and they were in hospital). Now keeping the society where we both belong from, this was a big problem. I had to refuse him and over this he got furious again, blaming me for not wanting to spend time with him. I understood he lived his life in a western country but he knew his culture better than me, his family was far stricter in their customs than mine was and only if they had known that i visited their house before marriage alone with their son, it would have been a hell for me. It was wrong and I stayed with my decision. Later on, he asked me to meet him for the last time before he left. A day before the meeting, he started joking about having a fetish of having sex with a teenager. I kept brushing it as a joke until he directed it on me and when I asked him to wait for a year as we were to get married, he reasoned that I wouldn't be a teenager anymore and he could not wait that long. I confronted him about feeling manipulated and he got defensive. Long story short, he went back and after some times, he started noticing my silence. He asked me about it and I mustered courage and told him my worries. He listened to me quietly, didn't react like he normally did to my concerns but complained that I hurt him. For which I did feel bad as I never wanted to hurt him.
now the reason why I wrote this whole story was because he was a totally different man during the first third months of our conversation. He portrayed to be a knight in shining armour. His voice held so much meaning when he promised he would be the most understanding and patient person in my life. He felt like my saviour, my best friend and reason to live everyday. I suffered from parental neglect and absence and his promises healed me but when he acted contrary to his words, I used to get confused. I loved him, madly that even after five months of no contact I wake up to his thoughts. He has moved on and found someone else but I am back to my alone self, holding my broken pieces and working on my career. I felt like i was in a trauma bond but still again, sometimes I feel due to my past traumas, I lost a good man. He made me believe so with his love bombing. I got addicted to him as he was the only source of my happiness. but I knew it has to end because he disrespected my grandfather and mother because they saw the same signs in my father even though I didn't tell them enough. I didn't believe them until circumstances forced me to. Can you guys tell me what have you gotten from my story because I need to hear it from external sources.

I am grateful to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva for offering me this precious opportunity to share my experience of practising Buddhism with you.
I am 62 years old. Today, I can eat, sleep and walk like a normal person. However, did you know that I once was a paralyzed woman who could not even get up from bed, had difficulty turning over, and could not take care of myself? Through practising Buddhism and reciting Buddhist scriptures, I have completely freed myself from the misery of hell. I want to tell you with hard facts that practising Buddhism and reciting the scriptures has not only given me a second life, but has also benefited me immensely. I want to share with you how I transformed myself from paralysis to health within four years without undergoing any surgery! May my presentation plant the seeds of bodhi in your hearts, so that more people will have faith in Guan Yin Bodhisattva who has boundless supernatural power, and recite Buddhist scriptures as soon as possible to be free from suffering and gain happiness!
1. When I was young, I opened two bars so I created bad karma, and karmic retribution is right on my heels!
I am the eldest daughter of my family and the eldest daughter-in-law of my in-laws family. Both my mother and mother-in-law are Buddhist practitioners and urged me to practise Buddhism as well. However, because of my youthful ambition and good fortune, at the age of about 36, I ran two bars and enjoyed the pleasure of earning money, not bothering to practise Buddhism at all. By then, I was young and foolish, in the bars I gained filthy money by means of woman’s charms, which invariably created a lot of bad karma. How many people lost their morals and conscience for my sake of monetary gain? How many families have been broken up behind the scenes? How many people have done many things against ethics and morality under the paralysis of alcohol? I hereby express my deepest repentance to Guan Yin Bodhisattva! Karmic retribution is inescapable. I planted the evil cause so I reap the evil effect. The bad karma I created within two years of running the bars has brought me a tragic retribution 13 years later! (So, dear fellow practitioners, please take this as a warning!)
In 2010, I was 49, my predestined 369 calamity arrived. One day in July, my karma exploded. I suddenly collapsed at home kitchen while stirring frying vegetables. In an instant, I felt that the sky was falling, and I had nowhere to turn for help. An otherwise healthy me entered a life of hell on earth from then on. Every day, I ate, drank, pooped and peed in bed, had difficulty turning over, couldn't wash my hands and face, had trouble swallowing, so it was worse than death. I was paralyzed in bed from then on. The doctor said I had a herniated disc in my lower back. All the bones in my back were misaligned. Both knee bones were necrotic and so swollen. I have visited all the local city and provincial hospitals, big and small, to seek medical care. I almost spent all the several hundreds of thousands of RMB I had gained from my bar business. However, the condition got worse and worse.
2. Since encountering the excellent Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, I have been practicing Buddhism hard to overcome any obstacles on the way and finally achieved a new life.
Perhaps it was the blessing from my family members who had been making offerings to the Buddha and practising Buddhism for years. Thanks to the mercy of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, I finally encountered the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door in 2012 when I was in the most desperate situation in my life. The person next door to my bar heard that I was sick and came to see me. She brought me Buddhist scripture, recitation device, Buddhism in Plain Terms, counters and many other Dharma gems. She told me the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door was very efficacious, and asked me to try it. Although I could not move on bed, I listened all Master Lu's recordings like a thirst. I was pleasantly surprised to hear cases of patients who had been cured of cancer and serious illnesses by practising Buddhism and reciting the scriptures. The recordings of Master Lu's programs were like a bright beacon in the darkness, bringing me hope for life and giving me great encouragement. I felt I was awakened by a powerful energy, stirring up my strong desire to live. I told myself: I must survive; I must save myself! I started to practice Buddhism and recite scriptures as if I had grabbed a lifeline.
I am illiterate, so I had to lie in bed every day and learn to recite word by word with the recitation device. Due to the heavy karma, there was no virtuous and the high-minded practitioner around to teach me how to burn the Little Houses in a rational and lawful way. I foolishly took an ashtray instead of a plate to burn the Little Houses, which resulted in the ashtray blowing up. In order to eliminate karma quickly, I was foolishly reciting the Heart Sutra and Amitabha Pure Land Rebirth Mantra after ten o'clock at night, which resulted in the light bulbs breaking several times (Here, I sincerely remind my fellow practitioners: Master Lu enlightened us not to recite the Heart Sutra and Amitabha Pure Land Rebirth Mantra after ten o'clock at night. Please make sure to read the Introduction to Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door carefully in order to avoid practising Buddhism irrationally). Therefore, we must follow the instructions of Master Lu, and never do what the Master does not allow us to do. The whole process of reciting Buddhist scriptures to eliminate karma is very bumpy. It is really easy to create karma, but very hard to eliminate it! However, I firmly believed that the Bodhisattva is infinitely powerful. As long as I diligently practised Buddhism, my fate would definitely get changed. Hence, I relied on the blissful cases in Master Lu's recordings as my spiritual support. I kept persevering, not afraid of any difficulties, and recklessly recited Buddhist scriptures.
Since I ate, drank and pooped in bed, my aura was very bad. As I could not get up by myself, so I had to lie in bed to recite the sacred Buddhist scriptures. I felt guilty and torn, wondering if this was the appropriate way to recite the sacred Buddhist scriptures. Will it affect the effect of the recitation? Gratitude to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for Her compassion, and I dreamed of Master Lu that night. Master Lu who was dressed in a black suit smiled at me and kindly comforted me: “don't worry.” After I woke up, I was very grateful for Master Lu's compassion. Master Lu knew about my special situation, so this is a sympathy and a condolence to me. After I recited Buddhist scriptures 4 to 5 months late, my neck and head were able to turn significantly. Such a Dharma blissful change thrilled me. All the trials and perseverance I had gone through in the past had not been in vain. Guan Yin Bodhisattva has boundless supernatural power, which had given me a glimmer of hope for recovery! (Here, I sincerely remind my fellow practitioners: In the absence of illness, recitation of Buddhist scriptures must be respectful. A point of respect harvests a point of benefit.)
3. The unique characteristics of attending the Dharma conference and formally acknowledging Jun Hong Lu as my master allow my physical health to improve with Dharma joy
In February 2017, I befriended a fellow practitioner. She invited me to attend the Macau Dharma Convention together. I thought to myself: “can I take the bus by myself?” “Can I attend the conference?” With a strong faith from my inner heart, I attended the conference via keeping reciting the Great Compassion Mantra on the trip. Unbelievably, I arrived at the conference as I wished with the blessing and protection of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, although my bulky legs could only barely support my body in the seat. I was in tears when I listened Master Lu's wise words and saw the holy icon of Guan Yin Bodhisattva. On the night of the conference, I dreamed of Guan Yin Bodhisattva! Gratitude to Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva for saving me from suffering and giving me a new life. At the end of the Macau Dharma Convention, I instantly made two vows: to be a vegetarian for 15 days per month and liberate 10,000 fish.
Before I attended the Macau Dharma Convention, I had to take a break whenever I walked two steps, and my body was not able to move much. After returning, my legs started to become strong enough to support my body and I could walk on flat ground. Despite they were not very flexible, they were no longer the same as when I was paralyzed like a limp in bed. My whole body is getting better and better in essence, vital energy, and spirit. I was very surprised! Master Lu has enlightened that there are many Buddhas and Bodhisattvas coming to bless attendees at each Dharma conference!
In August 2017, before the Dharma Convention in Malaysia, my fellow practitioners urged me to formally acknowledge Jun Hong Lu as my master. Since I am an illiterate, compassionate fellow practitioners helped me to fill out the application form of seeking discipleship. My fellow practitioners told me that there were so many people wanted to formally acknowledge Jun Hong Lu as their master that I might not be able to reach my wish this time. Then, I had to wait for the opportunity next Dharma Convention. I told myself that whether I could reach my wish or not this time, I would actively participate in Master Lu’s Dharma Convention. Considering my age, it is a blessing for me to attend one more Dharma Convention. To my surprise, one week later, my application for seeking discipleship was approved. Gratitude to Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
On the day of seeking discipleship, I was very excited. During the process of seeking discipleship, I heard a voice in stereo that was very loud. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see Tathagata Buddha, and many other Bodhisattvas coming down from heaven. At that moment, I saw that the upper half of Master Lu's Dharmakaya appeared transparent with a huge lotus flower. I was suddenly moved to tears. I was oblivious to the fact that Master Lu had come to my side until the time of issuing the discipleship certificate. Master Lu was very compassionate and empowered me with blessing. Master Lu enlightened, "Because five people opened their eyes during the worship ceremony, they have no lotuses planted in the pure land. But it's okay, when the ceremony is over, you can go to the front and kowtow to ask the Bodhisattva (to plant a lotus)." I then rushed to the front to worship. Before I finished worshiping Bodhisattva, a young fellow practitioner came over. He asked, "How do you feel? Did you see anything?" I said, "I saw Tathagata Buddha." He asked, "How are you sure that was Tathagata Buddha?" I said, "Both my mother and mother-in-law are Buddhist disciples, and Tathagata Buddha has curly hair."
I was grateful for the compassionate blessing from Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu. When I returned home after seeking discipleship, I made two vows: to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life and never kill (animals). The power of a vow outweighs the force of karma. After I made the vows, Master Lu’s Dharmakaya came to help me heal my legs in my dreams. Once, I saw Master Lu’s Dharmakaya passing by my room while I was half-squinted. Master Lu asked me, "Which foot is uncomfortable? Where is aching?" Instantly I woke up and then I found that my feet didn't feel as heavy as they used to be and I walked more lightly. I excitedly shared the news with my old father, "Master Lu has come to bless me again!" I am grateful to Master Lu for his compassionate care for every sentient being. Every time I dreamed of Master Lu, he would always compassionately endow me with abundance of blessing, and I was always surprised by the improvement in my health.
In a short time, I could not only separate my feet and take turns to walk up and down the stairs independently. Moreover, I could bend back and forth freely with my arms crossed. The bones in my back, which were all misaligned and uneven, were now completely normal again. Previously, I couldn't raise my hands to wash my face, brush my teeth or comb my hair because the bones in my back would pull the nerves and cause severe pain when I raised my hands. In those days, whenever I sneezed or defecated, I felt like to cheat death on pain. In those hellish day I went through unimaginable pain and suffering. Now, however, I can take care of myself completely and move around freely. Sometimes I get a little tired after walking for too long, but I can recover after 10 minutes of rest in bed. Although it is still slightly bumpy while I was walking, if you don't look closely, you can't see it. My family was overwhelmed to see the dramatic change from being paralyzed and bedridden to walking independently since I practised Buddhism. My old father, who was taking care of me at the bedside, complimented me straight away: you have completely changed, becoming healthier and healthier now! I was so excited that I had tears in my eyes. Without the rescue of Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I really wouldn't have the blissful transformation I have today!
In 2019, at the Dharma conferences of Indonesia and Singapore, I pleaded with my fellow practitioners to be merciful to give me the opportunity to volunteer. According to the rules of the Dharma conference, I was already overage. However, I was adamant that I must do volunteer work. Guan Yin Bodhisattva has given me a second life, so I have to serve all sentient beings physically. I am grateful for Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva who helped me out. When I came back from the conferences, I found that I could bend and squat easily and freely, and I had no problem even sitting on the floor. I am grateful to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for compassionately helping me to eliminate my karma at every conference, so that I can obtain incredible blessings and improvement occur every time.
4. The incredible blessing of setting up the Buddhist altar accelerated my health recovery and created a medical miracle.
From the time I set up the Buddhist altar in 2017, I insisted on offering Bodhisattvas incenses morning and evening every day. At first, the body was still straight and could not bend and bow. For two years, in front of the Buddhist altar, I prayed for Bodhisattvas to bless me so that I could recover my health a little better so I can use my own experience as an example to convince sentient beings to gain faith on Dharma and practise Dharma. Gradually, I was able to stand to offer incense to Bodhisattvas, to bend and bow, and finally to kneel in front of the Buddhist altar to recite the scriptures. I was full of Dharma joy! Initially, my back still hurt from kneeling. With the karmic obstacles being removed, my back didn't hurt anymore. Sometimes when I went out with fellow practitioners to set up the Buddhist altar, particularly on the Buddha's Birthday, I could kneel to recite the Eighty-eight Buddhas Great Repentance for an hour and a half. My fellow practitioners couldn't keep it up, so I was the only one who kept it up until the end. I am so grateful to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for Her compassionate blessing!
At one time, the doctor at the provincial hospital told me that I had to have surgery to put two steel plates into the bone, but I refused. Because I firmly believe that with the of blessings of Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I am afraid of nothing. Buddha is an extraordinary doctor. The only way to recover completely is to repent sincerely and practise Buddhism. I can now move as freely as a normal person. This medical miracle achieved was completely relied on practising Buddhism, reciting scriptures, being a vegetarian, helping new practitioners to set up Buddhist altars, volunteering at Dharma conferences, and actively propagating the Dharma. To improve my family economic financial, I went out to work on construction sites as a helper, do cleaning and housekeeping!
Those patients who were once slightly paralyzed did not recover as quickly and well as I did, even with surgery.
Dear readers, when you see such a dramatic change in me, what are you hesitating for? Hurry up and pick up the Buddhist scriptures to recite! I am the living example, the ironclad evidence. Guan Yin Bodhisattva does exist, and She is Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate, answers any prayers.
Thinking of the bad karma I created in the two bars when I was young, I feel grievously sinful. I have earned ill-gotten wealth, but the karma was produced, and karmic retribution is inescapable. If one hasn't been retributed, the time hasn't come yet. After I got old, all the retribution came to me. Not only did I use up all my money, but I also had to suffer from physical illness and paralysis. I advise everyone to remember Master Lu's enlightenment: Do not do anything that is evil; Do not fail to do good no matter how petty the deed; Do not engage in evil no matter how trivial the deed. Dear readers, please consider it carefully before earning any money, and don’t commit such deep sins as I did for the sake of monetary gain, or else the consequences will follow you!
Without the merciful salvation and blessings of Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, I would not have been reborn today! I made a few great wows: honour the teacher and respect his teachings, live an ascetic life for lifetime, be a vegetarian lifetime, not kill, not eat eggs, not smoke, not drink; transcend the cycle of rebirth for good and attain enlightenment in one lifetime. In this life, I will follow Guan Yin Bodhisattva to cultivate my mind and change my behaviour and never quit. I will follow my benefactor, the Compassionate father, Master Lu, to propagate Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door and never stop! Although I am over 60 years, I will continue using my own experience as an example to convince sentient beings to gain faith on Dharma and practise Buddhism. Together with my fellow practitioners, I will get up early and go home late to help set up Buddha altars for new practitioners. No matter how far and how difficult the trip is, I will always be strict with myself. I will go wherever I am needed. Even if I am eating, as soon as I receive a mission for propagating Dharma, I will put down my chopsticks and set off without delay.
Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door is peerlessly efficacious, and Guan Yin Bodhisattva is Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate, saves beings from suffering, has supernatural power, and answer all prayers. As long as we have a devout heart and we persist in reciting Buddhist scriptures and practicing Buddhism, no difficulty can defeat us! My physical changes are the most powerful evidence! May my true presentation give some inspiration to those people who are still suffering from illnesses, so that they can acquire faith to practising Buddhism, and pick up the Buddhist scriptures to recite. May more sentient beings having affinity with Buddha break free from delusion and attain enlightenment, balance egoism and altruism, and free from suffering and gain happiness.
My deepest gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
My deepest gratitude to all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas from ten directions and three periods of time!
My deepest gratitude to the Dharma protectors!
My deepest gratitude to the selfless and altruistic Master Jun Hong Lu!
If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the truth in the presentation, I’d like to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors, and Master Jun Hong Lu.
I’d also like to seek forgiveness from my fellow Buddhist practitioners.
I, not my fellow practitioners, will be responsible for my own karma!
Shared by: Dharma Practitioner Ganen, Gratitude and Namaste!
Translated by: Frank
Statement by Translator

1. Story was translated from Chinese into English by meaning, not word by word. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the Chinese version, I’d like to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
   
2. Author Ganen was interviewed by Frank during the translation for the detailed information.
   

Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda!
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the Five Golden Buddhist Practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma. It’s free of charge.
Contact
Buddhist practitioner: Lily
Email: [sunnypurplelily@gmail.com](mailto:sunnypurplelily@gmail.com)
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下:
从瘫痪卧床到行走自如做家政，心灵法门创造了医学奇迹
感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨摩诃萨！
感恩十方三世一切诸佛菩萨！
感恩龙天护法金刚菩萨！
感恩恩师慈父卢军宏台长！
感恩师兄们！
感恩大慈大悲观世音菩萨慈悲，让我能有这个宝贵的机会与大家分享我的学佛经历。我今年62岁，现在是一个能吃、能睡、能走路的正常人了。但是，你们可曾知道，曾经，我是一个连床都起不了、翻身都困难，生活完全无法自理的瘫痪老人！如今，通过学佛念经，我把自己从地狱的苦海里完全挣脱了出来。我要用铁一般的事实告诉大家：学佛念经不仅给了我第二次生命，更让我受益无穷。我要跟大家分享，在这患病的四年里，在没有经历任何手术的情况下，如何让自己从瘫痪到健康的蜕变！愿我今天的分享给有缘人种下菩提种子，让更多的人相信观世音菩萨法力无边，早日学佛念经，离苦得乐！
1. 年轻时开酒吧造恶业，得现世报！
我是家中的长女、婆家的长媳。母亲和婆婆都是学佛人，都劝我也学佛。但是，由于年轻时好胜心强，加之财运不错，36岁左右，我经营两家酒吧，享受挣钱的快乐，根本无心学佛。年轻愚痴的我经营酒吧时靠女色来赚取黑钱，赚的都是不正之财，无形中造了很多恶业。在这种灯红酒绿中生活，我为了金钱利益，让多少人丧失了自己的道德与良知？背后又造成多少个家庭的破裂？又有多少人在酒精的麻痹下做出多少违背伦理道德的事情？弟子在此向观世音菩萨深深忏悔！因果报应丝毫不爽，种恶因得恶果。开酒吧这两年中我所造下的恶业，在十几年后让我得到悲惨的现世报！所以，请大家引以为戒！
2010年我49岁，正逢“三六九”关劫。7月的一天，我的业障大爆发，在家炒菜时突然间倒下。瞬间，我感觉天塌下来，叫天天不应，叫地地不灵。一个原本健康的我从此进入人间地狱般的生活。每天，我吃喝拉撒都在床上，翻身都很困难，没法自己洗手洗脸，吞咽困难，简直生不如死。我从此瘫痪在床。医生说我是腰椎间盘突出。后背的所有骨头都错位。两个膝盖骨头坏死，肿得很大。当地市里、省里大大小小的医院我都看过了。我几乎把我做酒吧生意所赚到的几十万块钱都花光了。然而，病情越来越严重。
2. 得遇殊胜法门，坎坷学佛路中坚持不懈地修行换来重生
也许是家人一直供佛学佛的福德。承蒙观世音菩萨慈悲，在我人生绝境之时，我终于在2012年得遇心灵法门。以前我开店隔壁的人听说我病倒了，就来看我。她给我送来了经书、念佛机、《白话佛法》、计数器等很多法宝。她告诉我心灵法门很灵验，让我试试。我躺在床上虽然无法动弹，却如饥似渴地把师父的录音听了个遍。听到人们通过学佛念经把癌症、重症都治愈的案例，我惊喜万分。师父的节目录音就像黑暗中的一盏明灯，让我看到了生活的希望，给了我很大的鼓舞。在这个过程中我像被一股强大的能量加持唤醒，激起了求生的强烈欲望。我告诉自己：我一定要活过来；我一定要自己救自己！我像抓住了救命稻草似地开始拼命学佛念经。
我不识字，只能每天躺在床上跟着念佛机一字一句地学着念。由于业力牵引，身边没有遇到善知识教我如理如法地烧送小房子。愚痴的我曾拿个烟灰缸代替盘子烧送经文组合小房子，结果烟灰缸炸掉了。为了抓紧时间消业，我晚上十点后还在念《心经》和《往生咒》，结果家里的灯坏了好几次（趁此机会我诚心提醒师兄们：师父开示，晚上十点后不要念诵《心经》和《往生咒》，请师兄们一定要好好看《心灵法门入门手册》，避免操作不如理不如法）。所以，我们一定要听师父的话，师父不让做的就不做。念经消业的整个过程非常坎坷。真是造业容易，消业难啊！但是，我坚信菩萨法力无边，只要精进努力，一定会得到改变的。于是，我依靠师父录音中的法喜案例作为精神支撑。我一直坚持不懈，不怕万难，拼命念经。
由于吃喝拉撒都在床上，气场非常不好，自己又无法起身，只能躺在床上念经。我内心愧疚又纠结，不知道这样念经是否如理如法？会不会影响念经效果？感恩菩萨慈悲，当晚我就梦见师父了。师父身穿着黑西装，一边慈祥地笑着一边安慰我：不要担心。醒来后，我非常感恩师父的慈悲。师父知道我的特殊情况，这是对我的宽容和安慰啊。后来，大概念经差不多4～5个月后，我的脖子和头也能明显地转动了。这样法喜的变化，让我激动万分。我过去所经历的磨难与坚持都没有白费。观世音菩萨法力无边，让我看到了康复的一丝希望！（作者提醒：师兄们，在没有病痛的情况下，念经一定要体态恭敬，一分恭敬一分受益。）
3. 参加法会与拜师的殊胜，让我的身体不断法喜蜕变
2017年2月份，我结识了一位师兄。她邀请我一起去参加澳门法会。我心想：我能自己坐车吗？能去法会吗？凭着内心坚定的信念，路途中我一直念《大悲咒》。虽然我笨重的双腿只能勉强支撑着身体坐在座位上，但在观世音菩萨一路加持护佑下，我竟然能够如愿到了法会现场。现场听到师父开示、看到观世音菩萨的圣像，我泪如雨下。大法会当天晚上，我就梦到了观世音菩萨！感恩大慈大悲救苦救难观世音菩萨救我于苦海，给了我新的生命和生活。澳门法会结束，我当即发愿：一个月吃素15天，放生一万条鱼。参加澳门法会前，只要走两步路我就要歇一歇，而且我的身体没办法大幅度活动。
澳门法会回来后，我的双腿开始变得有力，可以支撑起身子在平地上走路了。虽然还不是很灵活，但是比起原来像软泥一样瘫痪在床的状态，已经不可同年而语了。我整个人精、气、神也越来越好。我非常惊喜！师父开示过，每场法会有很多佛菩萨来加持大家！
2017年8月，马来西亚法会前，师兄们让我拜师，但我不识字。慈悲的师兄们帮助我代笔填写拜师申请表。师兄们告诉我，这次拜师的人太多，有可能排不上队，得等到下一场法会才有机会。我告诉自己，无论这次能不能拜师，我都一定积极参加师父的法会。我这么大年纪了，能参加多一场法会都是我的福报啊。让我惊喜的是，一个星期后，我的拜师申请通过了。感恩观世音菩萨慈悲！
拜师当天，我激动万分。在拜师过程中，我听到一个非常立体、非常响亮的声音。我睁开眼睛时，我竟然看到了如来佛祖，还有好多菩萨都从天上下来了。这时，我看到师父上半身的法身呈现透明状，有一朵大大的莲花。我顿时感动得泪如雨下。直到颁发弟子证的时候，我浑然不觉师父已经走到我的身边。师父非常慈悲，给我灌顶加持。师父说:“因为拜师过程中有5个人睁开了眼睛，所以莲花没有种上去。不过没关系，等拜师仪式结束后，可以到前面去磕头求菩萨。”我就赶紧跑到前面去拜。我还没拜完，就过来了一个年轻师兄。他问我：“您感觉怎么样？有没有看到什么？” 我告诉他：“我看到如来佛祖了。” 他说：“您怎么确定那是如来佛祖呢？”我说：”我家母和家婆是学佛人，如来佛祖头发卷卷的。”
感恩观世音菩萨与师父的慈悲加持。拜师结束回家我就发愿: 终生吃全素，不杀生。真是愿力大于业力，发愿后，师父又来梦里帮我治疗双腿。有一次，我半眯着眼睛看到师父从我的房间经过。师父问我：“还有哪只脚不舒服？还有哪个地方疼痛的？” 瞬间我就醒了，醒来我发现我的双脚没有了原来的沉重感，走起路来更加轻盈了。我激动地跟老父亲分享：“师父又来加持我啦！”感恩师父慈悲关怀着每一位众生。每次梦见师父，师父都慈悲给予加持，我的身体总会有惊喜的好转。
没过多久，我不仅可以分开双脚，轮流迈开步伐独立上下楼梯。而且，我双手叉腰，可以前后自如地弯腰。后背的骨头原本因为全部错位并高低不平，如今完全恢复正常了。原本我没办法把手举起来洗脸、刷牙和梳头，因为手一抬，后背的骨头扯神经会导致剧烈的疼痛。每次打喷嚏或排泄的时候，都有种痛不欲生的感觉，就像死里逃生一样。这种地狱般的日子让我历经常人难以想象的苦痛折磨。然而现在，我的生活可以完全自理并且行动自如。有时候走太久会有一点点累，但是卧床休息十几分钟就可以恢复过来。虽然走路还有一点点高低现象，但如果不仔细看，是看不出来的。看到我学佛念经以来，从瘫痪卧床到独立行走的巨大变化，我的家人无比震惊。当年在床头边照顾我的老父亲直夸我：现在整个人完全变了，变得越来越健康了！我激动得泪眼婆娑。没有观世音菩萨与师父的大慈大悲救苦救难，真的不会有我今天的法喜蜕变！
2019年印尼法会和新加坡法会上，我恳请师兄们慈悲给我做义工的机会。按照法会规定，我已经超龄了。但是，我坚决一定要做义工。观世音菩萨给了我第二次生命，我就要身体力行地为众生服务。感恩观世音菩萨的慈悲，让我能如愿以偿。从法会做完义工回来，我发现我可以轻松自如地弯腰和下蹲，就连坐在地板上也没有问题了。感恩菩萨每次法会上都慈悲帮我消业，让我每次都能有不可思议的加持，变化。
4. 设佛台的不可思议加持，加速我身体恢复健康，创造医学奇迹
从2017年设佛台起，我每天坚持上早晚香。起初，身体还是直直的，不能弯腰鞠躬。两年里，我每天在佛台前上香求菩萨加持，让我身体能恢复得更好一些，能为众生表法。慢慢地，我从站着上香到弯腰鞠躬，到最后可以跪在佛台前念经。真是法喜充满啊！刚开始跪着后背还是很痛。随着业障的消除，我的后背也不疼痛了。有时候和师兄们出去设佛台，遇到佛诞日，我跪着念诵《礼佛大忏悔文》足足有一个半小时的时间。许多师兄都坚持不下来，唯独我坚持到结束。真是感恩菩萨慈悲加持！
曾经，省医院的医生告诉我，必须做手术把两块钢板放进骨头里，但我回绝了。因为我坚信有观世音菩萨和师父两座靠山，我什么都不怕。在因果面前，佛是大药王。唯有诚心忏悔，学佛修行才能彻底康复。我完全靠学佛念经吃素、设佛台、参加法会做义工，积极弘法度人，才创造了医学奇迹：现在和正常人一样行动自如。我甚至去工地做小工，搞卫生、做家政弥补家用！那些曾经轻微瘫痪的患者就算做手术，也没有我恢复得快，恢复到如此好的状态。
读者朋友们，你们看到我如此天翻地覆的变化，还犹豫什么呢？赶快捧起经书念经吧！我就是活生生的例子，铁一般的证据。观世音菩萨真实存在，并且大慈大悲有求必应啊！
现在回想起年轻时开酒吧所造下的恶业，真是罪孽深重。不正之财赚到了，可是，因果报应丝毫不爽，不是不报，时候未到。在我人到老年时，所有的报应一涌而来。不但钱财全部用尽，还要遭受肉体病痛的瘫痪之苦，因果不空啊！奉劝大家一定要谨记师父的教诲：诸恶莫作，众善奉行！不以善小而不为；不以恶小而为之！挣任何钱财之前都要三思，切记不可为了金钱利益而像我一样造下如此深重的罪孽，否则果报如影随形！
没有观世音菩萨和师父的慈悲救度与加持，就没有我今天的重生！弟子许愿尊师重道、一生清修、终生吃全素、不杀生、不吃鸡蛋、不抽烟、不喝酒；一世修成，永断轮回。今生跟着观世音菩萨修心修行，永不退转。跟着恩师慈父卢军宏台长弘扬心灵法门永不停息！我虽然60多岁了，但是我要身体力行地为大家表法，起早贪黑地和共修组师兄们一起去助缘设佛台。无论路程多么遥远，多么艰辛，我都严格要求自己。哪里需要我，我就走到哪里。哪怕我在吃饭，只要接到弘法任务，我一定当即放下筷子，一刻也不能耽误地出发。
心灵法门灵验无比，观世音菩萨大慈大悲，救苦救难，法力无边，有求必应。只要我们有一颗虔诚的心，只要我们坚持念经修行，没有什么困难可以打倒我们！我的身体变化就是最有力的证据！愿我的真实分享给那些还在受着病痛折磨的人们一些启发，让大家生起学佛念经的信念，捧起经书念经，愿更多的有缘众生能够早日破迷开悟，自利利他，离苦得乐！
我的分享结束了，分享中如有不如理不如法的地方，请观世音菩萨慈悲原谅！请十方三世一切诸佛菩萨和龙天护法菩萨慈悲原谅！请师父慈悲原谅！请师兄们批评指正！我自己的业障自己背，不让师兄们背！感恩合十！
分享人：感恩～全素
2022-02-28
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🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 – Part 4.2 Part 5

Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)

Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.

You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)

In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...

Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)

...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:

If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.

(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)

Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!

Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)

Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.

The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)

Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...

I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)

...and I do mean everyone:

Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)

It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.

From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)

Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.

Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)

The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?

...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)

...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...

She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)

...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠

I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).

The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)

The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

​

I am a 32-year-old gay, chubby, feminine male. I've recently had family trouble: my father has gone missing on the Navajo reservation, which has taken a toll on my family. I was never close with my father due to being the oldest and seeing his alcoholic abuse cause domestic violence against my mother. My brother, the second child, who should have been named Junior but wasn't, worshiped our father and started taking up his career. Now that our father is missing, this sibling has taken up the alcoholic title. Though he may not be abusive, my mother and I think he might turn out to be soon. The baby of the family has had a love-hate relationship with our father. He also loves to blame everyone for his personal issues and bad choices. He has mother issues and is now copying our second brother by drinking every day. Both of them drinking has led to poor financial decisions, putting my mother and me in debt as we try to fix our finances and provide food and keep the house up to date. We rent the house we live in, so if we decide to move, the owner will likely charge us for the accumulated minor damages. I think I am the only one worried about this situation. Our mother is devastated by our father's disappearance. In my mind, they were soulmates and high school sweethearts. She was the cheerleader, and he was the sports jock. They loved each other, but my father's alcoholism was a huge problem, so she raised all three of us mostly on her own. There is evidence suggesting foul play in our father's disappearance, adding another layer of complexity to our family troubles. A bit about me: I struggled with coming out of the closet until I had my first boyfriend in 2011. My mother was very homophobic due to her religious upbringing but eventually learned to accept me. That first relationship only lasted a few months because his mother made a comment about my transportation to his home. At the time, I had no car, so I took the bus. When she asked how I got there, his response was "the bus," to which she said, "The bus? Isn't that for peasants?" This made me uncomfortable and led to our breakup. He was my first and only boyfriend, and I've never dated after him. At a young age, I was molested by a male cousin, which I believe influenced my sexuality and femininity. I have forgiven him and learned to move on with my life without blaming him. I've always wanted a job in Hollywood but have come to realize that's not going to happen. However, I landed the second best thing: working and traveling with Broadway shows. I took my first tour for ten months, back in 2022, came home, and took a season off. On this tour, I grew from my experiences and became an independent adult. I feel like I became the best version of myself. On tour, I had no one but myself, and I became independent. Now that I'm back home, I feel like I have to take care of everyone and make decisions for the long run. I'm not going to lie, I was sleeping with guys left and right and living life. When I came home, I reconnected with two guys: one a young African American guy and the other a Hispanic guy. The African American guy was younger than me, well-endowed, about my height, and very slender. We had known each other for the years I was on tour. He was living alone and had his own place. We were hooking up, and that's it. We connected less during my tour. I then reconnected with the Hispanic guy. He is about my age, shorter than me, and very masculine. He's a gentleman. When we first met, he came to my place. I thought that I had cleaned myself well, but when I pulled out my buttplug, I realized I hadn't. I excused myself and re-douched. He was very understanding and sweet about the whole situation, and I fell in love with his charm. When he left that night, I hoped I didn't scare him off, but he messaged me a few weeks later, this time inviting me to his place. He turned on his fireplace and laid blankets on the floor for us, being tender and romantic. After this encounter, I overthought the situation, building an idealized image of him, which made me sick with worry. He says he owns a company, which is why he doesn't reply quickly, but my social media feeds suggest otherwise. He never checks on me, but the African American guy did from time to time. A few weeks after visiting the Hispanic guy, I messaged the African American guy to see if he wanted to meet up. He told me he had become homeless and was looking for a bed at a homeless shelter. He asked if he could stay with me until he found a bed. Despite being undecided, I agreed. The worst part was that he showed me what a relationship with him could be like: affection, endless cuddles, and companionship. It was everything I wished for in a relationship, but I had to remind myself that I was only helping him temporarily. In this short time, he showed me love and what life could be like with a boyfriend. However, we eventually argued over something small, and he left, leaving me heartbroken. Songs from Ariana Grande's album became my anthems: "We Can't Be Friends," "I Wish I Hated You," and "Imperfect for You." I miss him, but he's too young to forgive me. I still see the Hispanic guy, but I fear I'm building him up to be something he's not. He still takes a while to reply to my messages, and I make excuses for his absence. I hope we'll become something, but I think that's unlikely, which also breaks my heart. A week ago, my siblings and mother and I had a huge argument, all of us under the influence. It started with me telling my mother that I wanted to move out. She, being overbearing, shut down and pushed me away from the idea, using my drunk siblings to turn against me. This brought out the worst in everyone, with all the built-up envy and jealousy coming out. Now, I'm indecisive about my future. Should I take a traveling job and leave my mother alone with my siblings, knowing they're not in the right state of mind? Is the person I'm seeing worth my emotional investment?

OK so just to soothe myself from the disappointing news that we have to wait another year for season 3, I went on TSITP tiktok - something I never do. And I came out of it with: that Jere is really charming. And Conrad is really darn moody and brooding. I am still 1000000% team Conrad, but I do understand why she went there with Jere. I also think about that Conrad - who I love, my fav character - is pretty exhausting sometimes. which is his right, his mother died. But it's also his personality. And it is a lot to take too, for a young person. So I am thinking he is endgame after he healed a bit and Belly grew up beyond her teens. Which I guess is what happened?

Me (M21) and my best friend (F20) have been friends for almost 6 years now. We are so close that my mother considers her a “favorite child” out of me and my other siblings.
*pre context*.
My friend has had many family struggles growing up. there are too many struggles to list but the main ones are,
divorced/absent parents, alcoholic parents, gang member brothers and sisters, family members in and out of jail, family drug abuse, just to name a few. (Basically anything bad that you can think of she’s been through it). And as you can imagine she has never had a stable home environment since birth. BUT! she is not like any of her family, her personality is very sweet and "good hearted", her main goal at all times is to make everyone happy even at the expense of her own happiness.
her siblings:
^{mother- not sure of her age, major alcoholic, absent, history of drug use, manipulative
father- absent, alcoholic,
youngest brother- 28y/o, felon/gang member, 0 education, currently lives in the oldest sisters basement with his 8mo pregnant wife, super manipulative with love bombing and charm.
2nd youngest sister- 26y/o, 4 kids, 4 time felon, prostitute/escort, gang member, 0 education, currently pregnant with twins in prison for her 4th felony, very erratic and violent, suffers from BPD.
oldest brother- 34y/o, no kids, sort of has his life together, a distant history of criminal charges, has done his best to turn his life around, does not keep in contact with any of his family unless of emergencies.
oldest sister- 29y/o, 1 kid, has a husband, no criminal history, co-owns a legitimate business with the youngest brother, Considered the "nerd" of the family because she was more into books/reading rather than drugs/drinking, she uses the fact that she’s known to be the "smartest in the family" to manipulate her siblings into doing what she suggests.}
heres the situation
In the year of 2022 my friend became super depressed living in our very small hometown and desperately needed a change of scenery. so in desperation she got back into contact with her oldest sister and youngest brother.. Whenever my friend reached out to her siblings, they were in desperate need of employees for their business; up until this point they had been running it all by themselves with small bits of help from close friends. The second my friend contacted them they started love bombing her and filling her head with all of these ideas of them being a family again while simultaneously sneaking in different ways to offer her a job at their business and promising her a wage that she couldn’t refuse...
After about a month they eventually convinced her to move across the US to live with them and work at their establishment. I knew something wasn’t right from the very beginning, but the topic of a dysfunctional family is tricky whenever your only just a friend..Nonetheless i tried my best to support her because she was finally starting to seem less depressed and more excited/giddy about her future. she moved up there with a plan in mind that she was only going to stay for a couple months; just long enough to make some money and figure out what she wanted to do in life, and then move off and pursue whatever it was she wanted to do.
Her first couple of months after the move were amazing, she moved in with her siblings and made new friends, hung out with her siblings, worked, partied, etc.. she was having a blast.. UNTIL her siblings were reluctant to pay her the wage that they had promised her, because they knew that she wasn’t confrontational enough to say anything about it.
fastforward
Now its been 2-1/2 years since she’s moved down there and she’s worse off now than before she moved. once the new wore off, things started changing with her siblings dynamic. her oldest sister became the "dictator" of the household by "suggesting" things for my friend to do and then making her feel guilty when she didn’t take her suggestions. and her youngest brother slowly started to become more sneaky and manipulative with the words he used.
*older sister real life manipulation example:*
older sister: " i think you should start coming into work on Sundays" my friend: "no thank you, Sunday is one of my only days off" older sister: *refuses to talk to my friend for days/weeks* my friend: "did i do something wrong? we haven’t spoken in forever?" older sister: "thats not true, Im just starting to wonder why you ever came up here in the first place."
*youngest brother real life manipulation example:*
youngest brother: *does some snaky shit behind my friends back* my friend: *confronts and questions him on if he’s being honest and truthful towards her* youngest brother: "Im your family i cant believe you would even think about questioning my loyalty!" youngest brother: *sends my friend 30$ on cashapp to help make her feel better*
Now it has gotten to the point where my friend hates living there and is distraught/depressed but has no option but to stay because of her financial situation. And every time an altercation happens with her siblings they manipulate her into feeling bad. Her siblings crutch 100% on the whole "were family" or "bloods thicker than water" bullshit and it pisses me off. They repeatedly disregard her feelings and boundaries and use the excuse that "their family" and you have to be loyal to family no matter what, except for the fact that they haven’t been loyal to her at all.
Ive tried talking to her about this and about how the way they are treating her isn’t right or fair, but every time i bring it up she tells me Im disrespecting her family..
i don’t know what to do or how to approach this anymore, i feel that one wrong word in a conversation about this could end a 6 year friendship with someone that i consider apart of my own family.
(ive tried to be as descriptive as possible but it is hard to fit 2 years worth of bullshit into a reddit post)
TLDR: my friend got finessed/manipulated by her older siblings to move across the US and come work for them, only to be guilt tripped and walked-over once she moved down there.

Its a long story, but to start, i just started a small art business (selling stickers, charms, etc.). I started out small and am just selling stickers to see how it will go.
Well i found a place in the mall i work at who were willing to sell my stickers on a small shelf. It’s not too expensive, but that being said, i’ve been in the red since i started about a month ago (which is to be expected)
Well, the week before mother’s day, i added some more stickers and restock for my shelf (there were a few sales and i didn’t have too much to begin with).
After mother’s day, i went to check to see how they sold and i saw that a couple of them of were gone, so i was so happy, but when i went to go check the sales records, nothing…
The employees double checked and said there are no records. So it looked like some people stole my stickers
This made me so angry because of a few things:

1. I’m already in the red, why steal from me
   
2. There stickers, i didn’t even make them that expensive (enough to cover my costs and a little overhead), who steals stickers?
   
3. This place is basically a vendors market, so there are multiple small business and they make clear, why steal from us?
   

Obviously, theres nothing the manager can do about it (it was in my contract stating i was liable). But now i feel bad, i worked so hard to draw these and someone just decides to take them. I still have about a month in my lease, and then they can decide if i want to renew, but i’m not sure if its worth it anymore

I've Been Doing a Lot of Whatever the Fuck I Want Lately and I Like It
It's the day of Ayonna's Zoom court hearing so she's thinking about survivalist jailhouse makeup hacks. They've improved since women used to use scraped paint chips off their cell walls as face powder, dampened red paper as rouge, permanent markers for eyebrow pencils, Kool-Aid doubling as hair dye and blush, and M&Ms as lipstick because deprivation causes innovation for self-preservation. That and Jamahl's excruciatingly murky explanation of his 2-year wedding day gap even though he's as open a book as a text at a class final that provides no specific answers to a general essay question. It's not that he wants to delay a ceremony displaying his love for Shellfish publicly; it's about financing a befittingly royal wedding for the ghetto version of Prince Charles and the late Diana Spencer to whom the masses must bow down, and that includes the judge who simply doesn't understand the trials and tribulations of a multi-tasking single mother with behavioral problems negotiating her child's breakfast.
Court: . . . will continue matter until she can show up in court next week since we are clearly inconveniencing her. 🙄
Ayonna: I'm just a single mother with no help. You're not going to tell me I can't feed my daughter; that's never going to happen. Is it ok if I give my daughter breakfast?
Court: We are in court here. This is a court proceeding. ⚖️
Ayonna: Ok. Just be hungry. 😏
Four years probation because the judge's gnarly attitude is taking it out on me? Girl, what are you talking about? Bitch, you're gonna' tell me I can't feed my daughter? She can kiss my ass! I'm livid. Livid! 🤬
Jamahl: At the end of the day filled with dickheads, we still gotta' bite our tongues.
I'm not selfish; I've just decided that taking your feelings into consideration is too much damn work.
Keep Your Head High and Your Middle Finger Higher
For someone more accustomed to being abused than amused, Candice has said "I love you" to Andrew more times than the repetitive phrase, turn down for what, in the party anthem by DJ Snake and Lil Jon of the same name. While Andrew, true to his word, kneels and immediately proposes, Candice hesitates, and in that moment, resembles a raw double-chinned Pillsbury dough girl with an unnatural sheen, a face too sunken in its gravity to show happiness, and sad raisin eyes reflecting physical distress. But Andrew doesn't clock any of this; he's carrying out his promise to Candice's mom in a dream he made up though she has more eyes on her truck as she doubtless recalls her fond days of street racing, driving without a license, attempted stolen vehicle, felony burglary and constantly running from the police. If she were wearing cargo pants, she could stuff them with the faux Louis Vuitton handbag contents to savor as she completes her halfway house program so she can change addresses. If he could see past his own needs, he'd notice she was trying to figure where the hell he got the idea she cared. If I've cut you, it's because you handed me the scissors.
Patience: What You Have When There Are Too Many Witnesses
Joey is taking advice from Minerva, a sex columnist who looks like Chris Farley in drag who was super stoned and wandered into the backrooms of "Saturday Night Live" for a costume change and makeup refresh before rehearsing his Fellatio 101 sketch outlined on a chalkboard: Watch amateur porn for tips. Practice dirty talk. Get excited about being excited. Use both hands simultaneously and don't bogart that spit. Don't forget, steady wins the race. Freshen up before getting online and spending money for a rented motel room far away from your parents so you can have 15 minutes of precious sexy time before your monogamous lover warns you to deactivate your online profile that his friend saw. Hey, I found your nose; it was in my business.
The King Eats First
Once again, the kids are savvier than their parents. A striking Cheyenne and Nehemiah adjust their schedules to Rob's extended sentence that Tennie tries to embroider in her naïveté while every family member is worried about their displacement when Rob physically enters the picture even though he's already there in camera spirit. It's a which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg question - is it a good thing the alpha male has streams-of-revenue for Tennie's shopping jones or is she shopping because she's worried about getting with an alpha male? He's a poker king like Marcelino making 6-7K a month in jail even though online playing for real money is prohibited, and I doubt his pod mates have that kind of extra cash regularly available. Any man in this day and age who can tell a woman to "sit down and be cute" must have it figured out as a lion doesn't care about a sheep's opinion. I bring too much to the table to be treated like a napkin.
Does One of Your Balls Hang Lower Than the Other?
Rick looks like a twig the wind blew off a tree or a stranded lost lamb in a field surrounded by hungry landlocked predators looking for a banquet. Sandy is sending him pictures of the reunion to remind him of her existence while 4x-married Samantha is positioning herself to long-distance bullrope and hog tie her bachelor into a ball-and-chain before he has time to think about how he's going to stretch a rigorously set pension into providing her commissary and visitation requests. His pickleball buddy, Dan, doesn't really give a damn; it's only his nieces who are rightfully tut-tutting her dictatorial attitude and snarking, "Fifth time is a charm." "Maybe I do have options," Rick muses, but then turns around and crows, "She builds me up." Sure, right after she shakes him up - like a snow globe. It ain't what you don't know that gets you in trouble; It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

*** = listener speaking
Can be monetised, just please link back to either this post or my YouTube!
Gender(s) can be changed if wanted!
~~~
Sweetie!
[grab]
I’ve been looking all over for you! This isn’t your usual area, why are you cleaning up over here?
***
Oh, right, father has guests coming, doesn’t he?
Ugh, that means I’m going to have to make small talk with their daughters instead of being able to hang out with you…
[speaker sighs]
Well, it doesn’t matter right now!
Come on, come on! Let’s go hang out right now! Take a break!
***
Oh, who cares about them?
They might be in charge of the schedule, but I’m in charge of them.
If they have an issue with you taking a much-needed break at the request of the lady of the house, I’ll happily deal with them.
Okay? Now, let’s go outside and get some sunlight!
[walk outside; sit]
Ahhh, it’s always nice to have the fresh air hit your face when you come outside, isn’t it?
I wish your job would let you come outside more often. You’re going to look all washed-out if you don’t get enough sunlight!
That beautiful complexion of yours is a national treasure, it needs to be preserved!
Speaking of preserving your beauty…
[brush cheek]
You’re covered in dust and dirt!
Why do they always seem to give you all the dirtiest jobs?
***
Why should it matter that everyone else is doing the same jobs?
You’re different! You shouldn’t have to get on your hands and knees like the rest of them.
Just so you know, my offer to make you part of my personal staff still stands.
Think about it! No more dust and dirt, better standing amongst the staff, better pay - I’m sure that I could even get my father to give you better wages than the rest of them.
Plus… we’d get to be together even when you’re working.
***
Still no?
You won’t change your mind at all?
Not even a little bit?
***
…Okay.
But - also! If - for some reason - the reason is that you don’t want to work on my personal staff, I’m more than happy to get you any job within the mansion.
And like I’ve said the past fourteen times, my offer is always on the table! For whatever you want, the small promotion, or even just a pay raise!
***
Oh, right! I almost forgot why I needed to see you!
I’ve brought more gifts for you~
***
I know, I know, last time the presents I got you were too elaborate for your tastes.
In hindsight, those paintings may have been too large to hang in your room… and you likely weren’t in a position to take care of a bear cub.
These gifts are far more simple, I swear on my mother’s grave!
Can you take a look at them before you reject them? Please?
***
[happy noise; opens a box]
This one is smaller than the other one - smaller as in importance, not size, I promise! - so I’ll start with this one.
Do you like it?
***
Yes, it’s a necklace! It’s not just a regular one though - have a look at the charm!
I had it custom-made, to make it small enough to wear it under your shirt while you’re working!
***
Well… it isn’t actually my family’s emblem.
See this dove right here?
I had the blacksmith add this in order to represent you.
You’re just as important to me as my family, after all - actually, more so!
Plus, by editing it a little bit, it doesn’t matter that you’re not actually part of the family yet, so no one can tell you to take it off.
***
Okay… I may or may not have had to bribe the blacksmith to make this one.
I don’t get why both you two are hung up about the fact that it’s ‘defamatory’. It’s just an emblem!
What’s so important about a legacy? I prefer to focus on the present… especially since you’re in it.
Life must have been so dull for my ancestors since they didn’t have someone like you around to light up their life. I pity them.
…You’re still looking unsure.
Listen, if anyone says anything, even my father, tell them that I gave it to you.
Admittedly I haven’t told my father I bought it for you yet… he’s still a little upset with me for when I left the prince’s ball to watch the stars with you… but when hasn’t he come around about us before?
Don’t fret over it. …Let me put the necklace on you.
Please?
[happy noise; necklace click]
…It looks wonderful on you.
When it’s just the two of us, make sure you wear it on top of your clothes.
I want to see this sight every day for the rest of my life…
Do you like it?
***
You do? So you’ll keep it?
***
Yes! Finally, I’ve got your gift tastes all sorted!
And guess what - you’re going to like this one even better!
***
I’m glad you asked!
To start off with a little backstory - do you remember that gardener that kept picking on you? The one that kept slipping plants and bugs into your food?
***
Of course you do… sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.
This present will make up for it, I promise!
***
[speaker chuckles]
I did a little bit more than fire them.
Here - open this box.
[opens box; drops it]
Ah, careful, you don’t want to get it dirty!
Why did you drop it? Were you so happy you stopped functioning or something?
***
Mhm! It’s a heart!
I couldn’t carry all of that gardener around without people freaking out, so I thought this would be the next best option.
Plus… it’s kind of like giving you my heart, isn’t it?
Just ignore the fact that-
***
…Huh?
What do you mean? …Something’s wrong with me?
Is… is there something on my face?
***
What? Why? What’s wrong with me giving you it as a gift?
You told me how much they were bothering you!
I made sure that they would never do anything to you again!
Didn’t you want that? You kept telling me you wanted them gone!
***
Not like this? But… but…
Why don’t you like it?
[speaker starts crying]
I thought… I thought you’d really like this gift…
Would you rather a different part? A finger? A nail?
O-Or do you want me to just tell you that I’d just tell you I’d got rid of a nuisance permanently next time?
***
But if I don’t get rid of people who are cruel to you properly, they might be mean to you again…
Aren’t you worried about that?
***
No?
***
I… I’m sorry.
If you don’t like it, then… I’ll get rid of the heart.
***
Never again…?
…If I promise not to do something like this again, will you stop being mad at me?
I was only trying to do something good for you, not make you mad.
***
Okay! Okay, I promise! I’m sorry, and I promise I’ll always ask you first how you want me to deal with someone before I do anything to them!
I-Is that okay?
***
So… you’re not mad anymore?
***
Phew… thank you.
I thought my world was going to end.
***
Huh? No, don’t go yet!
[grab]
Stay a little longer! I… I want to hug!
We can’t part on a bad note!
***
It doesn’t matter if you have to get back to work, like I said before, I’ll talk to anyone who raises a complaint.
I need you to hug me so I can be 100% sure you aren’t mad at me.
Surely hugging is better than working?
A-And we can even talk about a replacement gift for the bad one! Whatever you want, no matter how big or rare or pricey!
Please… just stay with me a little bit longer.

My good friend J (39F) started dating B (37) two months ago. He told her he was divorced, and his ex wife took the kids and has been keeping them from him for over 4 years.
When she told me about him she raved how open and honest he was, told her he had a criminal past due to drug use. I met him and he was very charming. Then the second time I saw him he said some things about making a significant income and collecting Medicaid benefits still. I challenged him on that as there are income limits, but he insisted to J that there were no income limits. Weird.
Then a few days ago J text she had some news to share with both myself and out other friend L. She informed us that his children were being removed from their mother due to her being unfit, and she offered B to move in with her and her daughter. L and I express significant concern because it has been such a short term relationship and she doesn’t really know him. She listened but decided she wanted to help him.
I checked in on her the next day and asked how the kids were- well apparently he was still figuring it out and the kids were still with their mother until he moved in with J. I told her this wasn’t adding up- they don’t leave children in danger so someone can move. She just kept explaining away stuff and now I’m really concerned this guy isn’t who he said he is.
So here’s where I might be the AH. I pull all court records in the two states he told her about. This guy is still married and in active divorce proceedings- to which I saw there was a motion filed the day she called but it was not an emergency motion (I know because I went through this). Then the pages and pages of criminal charges, assault with a deadly weapon, assault drugging a victim, protection orders from women which included his own children. I decided to fess up to J, and she had an explanation for everything. She still insisted she was going to move him and the kids - and I lost it on her because this man has a pattern of targeting single mothers. None of it ends well.
So I reach out to the wife to ask her side, and her story about him is terrifying. Not saying she’s telling the truth, but it matches the court records. She tells me he has supervised visits only and hasn’t tried to see the kids. I told her what he told my friend and apparently he’s taken the kids before he moved in with one of the women. She panicked and thinks he’s going to do it again.
I tell J this and she is pissed with me for meddling in his life, and now she has to choose between her friends or him (friend L is also upset with her over how much trust she’s given him in 2 months). I told her he’s never allowed in my home ever again or around my children, she says we can still be friends but I need to remove myself from his life (no problem).
AITAH for calling his wife without telling her?

I'm 29/m, mum got me this rishta of a very nice girl, she's educated, working from home, homely and since she's from a village,very conservative and shy.
I've lived all my life in an urban City,both our families met and have liked each other, I've met the girl once she came with her parents,the thing is she's a dusky girl which I thought should never affect anyone until it happened with me, both families left the room and I tried talking with her to Lil to no response,she kept on looking downwards, answered in one/two words,when I said this to mum she told me that's how homely girls are they won't talk,if anything it's a good sign that girl is not so cunning.
I on the other hand am getting mixed emotions, it might sound stupid but earlier I used to watch beautiful brides and couple reels with tattoos etc. and have always thought "aww so cute" knowing it will someday happen with me too , now when I stumple upon such vids it fills me with dread.
I feel I'm losing my freedom, wanted to do so much in life but if I get married then it'll be kids in a year or two then I'll just be another middle class man doing chores.
I don't wanna lose this rishta and it's just not about her dusky colour, I've seen her from behind she's got a bangin body too, working from home and overall a perfect match in terms of AM but I'm just not excited? Can anyone share their experience or just give some advice, I've charmed girls easily in the past,have talked to them and it was exciting though.
I don't wanna stay single anymore & watch movies and keep on working out at the gym, I'm tired of all this, all my mates even have kids by now, staying single will make me salty and agitated, I need another person's touch,need emotional connection and physical intimacy so bad but the jitters are here.
I've talked to my mum and we both have agreed since this is an AM compromises will be there, girl's also compromising as I don't earn that well but still go by fine,how was yourr experience in AM,did you feel anything? Mum says you'll remember me for this rishta of a simple sweet girl that'll be by your side whole life and I kinda agree but there are no butterflies anywhere? I might be stupid or going insane, I remain tense all the time and have started zoning out even.
Please add your thoughts, thankyou.
UPDATE: So their family came to see me and our house, parents, brother and uncle, they've given a green flag but I'm still unsure. I have decided to have a talk with my mother, I'm 70% unsure about moving forward, I explained the whole scenario to my cousin she just said "she's not your type bhaiya" nothing else. I think I have made up my mind.

God P1 was everything and more and it's so sad that people cannot wait until P2 to pass judgement. Colin is meant to be unlike himself, and Penelope brings him HOME!! He is meant to be a rake, because he was told by every man he is close with that that is how a man should be. Feel nothing and be the picture of masculinity and charm.
Every time he is around Pen he is soft and tender, and his false bravado goes out the window. We see this first in episode 1. He sees Pen and is immediately drawn to her. He cannot keep his eyes off her, this is the beginning. When she runs out, he is immediately concerned. The other men literally are like "why are you concerned with her? keep talking to us" and he looks ANNOYED during this and immediately excuses himself. Pen is more important than these men and he cares for Pen, of course he is going to leave and speak to her. When he apologizes, he is sincere and he very much cares about getting back into Pen's good graces. That is incredibly important to him.
We then see this in episode 2 when they are talking about their meet cute. He is so happy to reminisce and that is the beginnings of him begin his normal sweet self, for and because of Penelope. He is trying to be reassuring to her, and he cares about her success in finding a partner and wants her to succeed (for now, this is very short lived lmao). We then see the first hints of Colin becoming Jealous over Pen. This happens when he sees Pen is talking about gossip and Lady Whistledown with the lord, and she is smiling and enjoying herself. Colin's first question is "do you like him?" probably because right now he wants her to be with someone who makes her happy and whom she likes, but also, he is subconsciously scoping out her feelings. Does she perhaps like this man? He doesn't know yet why that makes him a little squirmy and uncomfortable to think about.
When she is outed for getting help, he follows her, and even scolds Eloise for her blabbing. Pen is hurt and he is deeply troubled by this, he doesn't care who sees and he pushes past men and women alike to tail her. He even BRIBES A MAID TO SEE HER AFTER DARK TO MAKE SURE SHE IS ALRIGHT. Before their kiss, Colin has always been a little unhinged. He even kisses her without question, lmao. He didn't even deny or say he didn't want to he just didn't like her speaking about her dying and to see her feel so dejected. I for one LOVED the first kiss scene. I did not see it as Pen begging for a kiss. I saw it as a woman, who is torn down by her family and the society around her wanting to know what a kiss would feel like, because she feels that she will never find a husband. And so far she has been rejected at every turn. She is at her lowest and she is confiding in Colin and being the most honest she can possibly be. She wanted a kiss from him, and she asked, and COLIN not only kissed her once but really went for it lmao! Colin also looked like he was seeing the heavens and stars for the first time after kissing Pen. She said thank you, and really, he should have said thank you to her. That was the last little nudge the boulder needed for him to realize how much he has been missing by not loving her or seeing her as a romantic possibility.
Every piece of the puzzle was there, his care for her, their comfortability and closeness and their common respect and interest. All that was needed was a shred of physical intimacy, which is so valid of Colin. It really didn't even begin at the kiss either, the start was really when she caressed his hand and bandaged him up. This is the scene he literally recalls when she gathers his courage to go and tell her how he feels and make sure that she does not marry Debling. Not their kiss, but a tender moment where she is caring for him and tells him his writing is very good. A hand touch is what really made him get his ass in gear and go and fight for his girl and his love. He didn't just realize his love because of a kiss, it was a combination of every interaction leading up to this season and the kiss.
Episode 3 is where this ABSOLUTELY SHINES!! Colin has basically entirely obsessed with Pen, and I love it. His dream is incredible, and even more incredible is his absolute inability to form a coherent sentence the morning after. He is awkward and is fumbling his words. One of my favourite scenes of the entirety of P1 is when Colin and Pen speak under the tree. They are both awkward. Pen because she is embarrassed to have asked her friend for a kiss, that she assumed was out of pity. You can see she is awkward because of her frustration in herself. She is trying to distance herself from him, because she is embarrassed. Colin on the other hand is awkward, because that was probably the single best moment in his life lmao.
When Pen says their lessons must stop, he is so upset. He's entirely following her lead for this conversation despite his own feelings. He asked her TWICE WHY THEIR LESSONS HAVE TO STOP, He seems a little confused, like what do you mean they have to stop?! And he pauses at the word sensible. It is sensible for their lessons to stop, so why is he SO UPSET ABOUT IT. She then says they need to keep their distance and he is also clearly upset by this too, but he wants Pen to be comfortable and happy. This scene is my roman empire for P1 and I could rewatch it 100 times and still love it. It just is such an unhinged way of showing their confusing feelings and Colin's inability to speak his mind up to this point. He is going with the flow and trying to show indifference and he s failing. When he begins to say, "I hope..." it is so likely that he is about to say, "I hope you find a husband" but that's not actually what he wants so he stops, and instead ends with "I very much wish for your happiness"! He literally cannot even utter the words "I hope you find a husband" lol.
When they are in the tent, he can barely focus on their conversation. All he can do it ask if Pen likes Debling and then stare at her lips. When she says he is not displeasing to gaze upon the way he nods is so annoyed jealousy coded. He's basically feigning interest while thinking "oh great she also thinks he is attractive...." this is the first inkling of him truly losing her.
Finally, episode 4, Colin is nearly back to his normal self. He does not care about his false bravado; he is in love with Pen, and she has chosen to court another man. He is willing to accept this until his mother comes and tells him subtly to go and get his girl lmao. I love this scene because mama Violet always knows, and he really was like you know what my mother is right let’s go, after recalling their study hand touch and her saying nice things about him. Not even their kiss. He has always been in love with her because she is clever and warm and because she has always appreciated him. Basically, everything he said in his apology in EP1 is why he loves her, which is so sweet. He does not care about social manners or what society will think when he literally GOES TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND INTERUPTS!! He then proceeds to pull a Penelope and tell her she cannot marry Debling. This is a direct parallel of when Pen warned Colin of Marina and that she did not love him. Colin is basically just making up reasons though, which I love because honestly Debling, while it may not have been a love match Pen could still have been very happy and there is nothing to say that Debling would not have fallen in love, I mean this is Pen we are talking about.
Then we get the CARRIAGE SCENE!!! This shit was so good, and Colin was 1000% back to his S1 lovely soft self. Their giggling, and when he asked if the carriage driver could just keep on going, I was giggling and kicking my feet. When he caressed her hair and fixed her dress, I was a goner and when he asked her "Are you going to marry me or not" that and his actions and voice and everything felt so much like S1 and S2 Colin, no false bravado. Just him speaking to the girl he loves and wanting to make sure she stays with him, and he does not lose her again.
Colin has had such a progression; I didn't even mind the brothel scenes myself because they were a plot device to show that he was changing. The first time, yeah, he was enjoying himself and the second time around he literally didn't even want to participate and watch. He has just been constantly growing as a character in terms of reverting back to his sweet self. Even scene with other men shows this as well and they were some of my favourites. He disagrees with the men and pushes past them and really begins to distance himself from them. I honestly hope in P2 he gives them a piece of his mind, because his rejection of them has been a bit subtle. I feel like there could be a scene where the men comment negatively on his engagement to Pen and he just sticks up for her, and that would be a good parallel to his comments at the end of S2.
Anyways, just call me Pen because I love Colin! No one could ever make me hate Colin!

So, I (20f) had a pretty rough childhood. My mother was kind of a pos and cheated on my dad all the time which led to their divorce when I was 2, and she got with the man she was having her latest affair with and it stuck. He came with two kids, a son and a younger daughter. When I was around 6, this older step brother, let's call him O (11) started to molest and rape me. He set up really weird sick and twisted games that all four of us, me, my brother, his sister and himself, would play, truth or dare type games. He was the oldest at 11 at this point, my brother G and step sister E were around 8 or 9 and I was the youngest at 6. He'd set G and E up together to go do naughty things, and himself with me. These "games" didn't last long, but he never let me out of his clutches. He even bragged about it to his friends when he was a few years older and they felt inclined to get in on the action, one even threatened me with a knife at one point when I was 8 or so. My mother is an awful person, she cares only for appearances and loves herself more than you cab imagine, I'm sure she only wanted children as future maids and cashcows, but for some reason she was particularly interested in living vicariously through me. I was quite the rough house tomboy as a child, and didn't care for typical girly things, when I was tearing up a tree or across a playground I was very shy and awkward and always avoided eyecontact and hid behind my massive poof of hair, my mother really didn't like this. She had always tried to brainwash me into being a charming, seductive feminine woman from a very young age, and seemed to punish me by throwing all the chores at me and verbally belittling me or even physically overpowering me from a very young age. My mother had witnessed O during one of his acts towards me. I was naked, had bruises and fresh bleeding scratches and was crying, she bust the door open while his mouth was suckering onto my chest at 8. She saw the scene, and closed her eyes and sighed at the floor, composed herself and said what she came to say, and left. I was gutted. I thought finally someone might help me, between the bullying at school and abuse at home I thought at least my mother would correct one of her children being "unsightly". In hindsight I suppose she put her marriage first and didn't want to cause any issues, but that was not the last time she'd catch him doing things to me, and she'd ignore them every time. There was even a point where O and one of his friends, let's call him A, same age, had a rivalry on who's sex toy I was, and would openly do things to me in front of the other to assert dominance and rile each other up. One of these times, O went home to tell my mother, at which she called me home and scolded me harshly for my behaviour. At the time I knew she wanted to say something but didn't, as I got older I realised it was "whore". I was 9 and A was 14. Now, amongst all of this, my brother was aware of what was going on, at the time I didn't think much of it other than it was terrifying to be home and I'd rather attempt to run away for the hundredth time, I thought it was normal and what I was meant for, to absorb the abuse and violence, but as I grew older I realised more and more about the world and realised it wasn't right, and I could chose to live with my dad. When my parents divorced we were 50/50 split custody, I'd be at my mom's for 2 weeks then 2 weeks at dad's. At 14 I simply decided one day to just ask to be picked up for my dad's again, no planning or packing, no plan in mind, just after being dropped off on my last day at my dad's for that week and asking "can you pick me up again after school? I don't want to go to moms". My mother threw a fit about it of course, she called up my dad spouting about how I was just being a spoiled brat and throwing a tantrum for not getting what I want, I never asked for anything ever even on birthdays or Christmas, so I have no idea what made up demands of mine she was referring to, but as the weeks passed by and I continued to stay at my dad, she got pretty furious. She'd cry to all our extended family members about how her dear daughter that she loved so much turned her back on her and left for her "richer" dad (neither parent was well off, but my mother blew most of her pay on jewellery, dresses, shoes and makeup) and turned my extended family against me. Now, somewhere when I was 14, just before leaving, I broke down to someone at school, I wasn't really friends with them, if anything they were more of a bully, and i told them about what my step brother and his friends had been doing to me, with the words I now knew to describe it, "rape" "molest" "grooming" and "sexual abuse". She had no reaction at the time, and didn't even seem to register it. A few months after I had moved out of my mother's, my anxiety disorder reared its ugly head, and I began being unable to even attend my highschool, and after being pretty much 100% absent for a year or so, police came knocking at my door. Turns out, the girl from before had gotten concerned for me and told the teachers, who in turn told the police, which ended up at this. I was quite unhappy about it, I told them the bare minimum information, I told them I didn't want them to even be here or involved at all, they told me they'd need to question my mother, step dad, step brother, brother, and step sister. I didn't really care and didn't think anything would come of it. A few years later, and almost 2 years ago now, at age 19, I'd all but forgotten about the police, I was still, and remain, thoroughly traumatised from my childhood and still struggle to leave the house without someone else and my headset to drown out everything. my golden child brother showed up. Now, I know this is a first mention of him being a golden child, but it's always been a stark difference between how we were treated, at my mother's, and at my dad's with my aunt and grandma (dad's side) as well. To give you a picture, on my brothers 18th birthday, he got a 3 tier home made cake, a slow roasted dinner that had been on for 12 hours, my dad, aunt and grandma sat at the table with him loudly congratulating him and celebrating his "first" beer, he was gifted a motorcycle and many presents. For my 18th birthday, the only one I was looking forward to, I got 5 minutes of attention when I opened everyone's gifts which was basically just sweets and chocolates, and then they all disappeared to clamour around my brother, G. I sobbed in my bedroom with my boyfriend, after a while the only family member I was holding out hope for, my grandma, came knocking at my door, I quickly composed myself and went to see her, at which she led me to the bathroom to tell me off for not giving my brother any attention. On my 18th birthday. Kinda lost it there lol and shouted at her. I got no cake, not even store brought, and no dinner, but when G was hungry of course the ordered him Chinese and didn't even ask me if I wanted anything. Anyway. I had been getting into more contact with G over discord, and everything he came over I'd sort of blindly follow everyone's example and revere him, I'd make him food and bring him snacks and I'd always offer myself to be there for him if he ever needs to talk, and after some while, he tells me that he thinks he's in love with someone. I was happy for him and congratulated him, but as I found out more, she was bad news. She'd send him texts talking about how he was special to her and she was so in love with him and they had sex, but she was still fucking her ex and 2 other guys and saying the same things to them, openly, in servers they shared. I was really worried for G and didn't want him to be heartbroken, and tried to warn him gently about not getting too in over his head, because he seemed to be taking all that she was saying to heart, and talking about her as if she was the one, when it's clear that she was just fooling around and looking for an easy bang sesh. G got very angry at me for daring to insinuate such a horrible thing about his sweetheart, and purely to hurt me, he told me he had covered for O and A when the police questioned them. I had completely forgotten about the police ever going over to question them, it didn't even occur to me that G would be part of that too, and here he was telling me that he told the police I was a liar and doing it for attention, the exact words my mother had been telling all of my extended family and turning them against me with. I was just so gutted. And he always knew I didn't know about him lying, but he acted so nonchalant to my face, accepted my kindness and gifts while I waited on him hand and foot. I always knew my mother would lie for appearances sake and call me a liar, I don't think my step sister, E, remembered, my step dad also never personally witnessed anything. But my brother. I had just assumed he was out when the police came over, or with friends. I was devastated to say the least. I broke down and told my dad, he asked me if I didn't want to see him anymore and I said yes, and he simply nodded. A few months later was my aunties birthday. I was invited and said I wouldn't go because G would be there, and my auntie and grandma were upset at me, they thought we had a petty sibling squabble, they badgered me about it for hours and blamed me for ruining her birthday. I eventually blurted it all out thinking "that'll shut them up" but instead what I was met with was a barrage of excuses made for him, and better yet, they were telling me to forgive him. Forgive him? He hadn't even tried to apologise...he held it against me and used it to HURT me, he didn't tell me out of compassion or remorse for his past mistakes, he used it as a weapon, and they want me to forgive him?I broke down and just locked myself in my room. They shouted at me through my door but I just blasted music and cried into my pillows until they left, and a bit more after just for good measure lol. Since that happened, I can't be around my family without a deep aching and pain in my chest and choking up, questions on my tongue and angry accusations always trying to come out. I had a big argument with my dad over it, G was my only chance at potentially getting justice for what they did, for salvaging my relationships with all my family who had disowned me, I only have my dad aunt and grandma, but my brother has everyone, everyone loves him in the family, and my own mother loves O more than she ever did me, he gets her love and affection, and all of it from the rest of the family, he's branded a poor victim of my manipulative vicious lying, while I'm the spoiled tantrum throwing brat who they are better off without. I do so much for my family. Actually,half a year before I left my mother's she developed breast cancer. I wanted to leave around that time, but I stayed because I knew her useless husband and beloved two useless oldest sons would do nothing to help her. I sat in my room and listened to her vomit and cry and choke alone, I know they could all hear her too. But I was the one to go by her side, to wash the bucket, to change her sheets and clean the floor when she couldn't grab the bucket in time. I'm the one who sat her her side and held her as she sobbed. I'm the one who fed her when she was too weak to move. After I moved out she accredited all her "being looked after" and care to O and her husband. While i was arguing with my dad, I was crying pretty hard and asking him all these questions, "why do I have to forgive him? He didn't even try to apologise he just said it to hurt me and none of you care" "him telling the truth was the only way I could have had anything done to help me" "he protected my rapist and you're all just fine with it". Eventually, my dad said a line which really solidified to me, that no matter what I say or what G does, he will always be their priority. "He's my son, what do you want me to do?!?!". In that one sentence, I heard it. "He's my son, and you're not my daughter" "I'm willing to lose you but not him". I think it's been a year or so since that happened. I can't do it. Every time there has been an issue in the family I've been the one there. My aunties dog grooming business is falling behind because of her poor health? I work there for free. My nan almost dies from kidney failure? I'm there cuddling her and staying with her for months to do everything for her. My dad suddenly losing all his hearing in one ear and starts throwing up blood? I'm there, terrified, but doing my best to keep him alive until the ambulance comes. Every time my family had gone through a tough time, I've been there to patch it up. Every time they've gone through a rough time, I've begged G to please visit, help, stay a few days, at least see how their doing....but he'd rather stay at our mom's where he can play video games for 20 hours straight living rent free. I love my family so much...my dad, my aunt and my nan. But I can't handle it. It feels like every time I see them I'm breaking down a little more and more inside. I wanted to maybe give my dad the ultimatum of me or G, he can't chose both, but it feels like I already did in that argument and without even hesitating he chose G. I can't keep being around them, I can't make them love me or care about me, but I do for them, so deeply, and it hurts so much. I feel like I have to just shut up and suffer so they can all play happy family, but i can't take it. I haven't slept for 2 nights right now because its just always there, always nagging at me and reducing me to tears sobbing my heart out into my pillows. Please, does anyone have any advice?

Quick disclaimer: I read all the books years before S1 and Colin and Penelope's story has been my favorite. And still is. So I went into the season with high expectations. And I think I see some of them mirrored in some the feedback on the first four episodes. I wanted Pen to shine and show the ton how amazing she really is. And ideally make them - and Colin - see how wrong they were about her. Grovel a bit. I wanted to see Pen use her wit to defend herself in person instead of channeling all of it into LW. And I wanted Colin to grovel a bit, tbh.That perfect girlboss moment that shows them all.
And after having watched the first four episodes, I can say I'm glad I didn't get my wish. Because looking back on it, it seems petty and unrealistic to me now.
I’ve seen some recurring criticisms about Pen not shining enough in her own season and about Colin coming off as annoying and “not himself”. And those are the two points I’d like to address. In some kind of quick character analysis.
Pen just doesn’t shine
Pen changes her wardrobe and tries to be braver but she’s still the outcast. She’s still at the whim of the ton. Bullied by Cressida, overlooked by the men, made fun of when her deal with Colin is revealed. Her costumes don’t stand out from the crowd like Kate and Edwina did with their lilacs and pink last season. Those are some of the points I’ve seen raised.
But I think that is exactly the point. Pen’s story is that of an outcast trying to find her place in society. Someone who is simultaneously very interested in participating but gets rebuffed at every turn. It’s a statement about bullying. Bullying is arbitrary. Society picks on someone who stands out. Some people stand out and are applauded for it and others are punished for it. It is completely unfair and unjust. And the victim is not at fault. If Penelope could change her clothes and magically turn into a confident person who gets the attention and love they deserved all along, what kind of message would that send? “Change yourself and people will stop picking on you”. But that’s not how it works. When people have chosen a victim, it’s not in the victim’s power nor is it their responsibility to change themselves to fit in. Because their circumstances are not the result of their own actions but because they were singled out for unfair and arbitrary reasons. The fault is with everyone who picked on Penelope. Not on how she reacted after she was treated this cruelly or on how she looks.
Imo, this point plays beautifully into the Polin romance plot. The writers have avoided one of the biggest pitfalls of the friends to lovers trope. Colin never remarks on Pen’s changed looks - apart from once mentioning her “fetching” gown and how green suits her. That’s a completely valid and tasteful compliment to make. Exactly how people should compliment others’ appearance if they want to raise their spirits while avoiding any unintentional backhanded compliments. Not once does he say or think “Wow, I didn’t realize how beautiful Pen actually is.” There’s no “Pen takes her glasses off and suddenly she’s hot” moment. No one but Colin sees her in a new light. And he does so not because of her looks but because of how she makes him feel and how he feels about himself when she’s around (see part two of my analysis). To society, Pen is still a wallflower. Still an outcast. Her change is internal. While no one but Colin pays much attention to her, she is shifting her outlook and getting closer to finding closure and her own place within society. And the beautiful thing is: She has (almost completely) given up her hope of Colin reciprocating her feelings but he is still raising her confidence and giving her the courage to go after what she wants. One scene is symbolic for this: When Cressida beats Pen to the chase with Debling, Pen stands awkwardly in the middle of the ballroom while Colin is once again swarmed by admirers. They lock eyes and he gives his speech about courage that is clearly secretly aimed at Pen. He gives her the courage to try again with Debling. While he’s already in love with her and while she is very aware of how she would prefer Colin but seems to have to settle for a practical match. Both don’t want this to happen but they encourage each other anyway. This mirrors how Pen reacted when Colin told her of his hopes for Marina in season 1. Both put their friend before their own wants and bring out the best in each other. So in short: I don’t think the season is aiming to give us the maybe satisfying but unrealistic narrative of Pen showing everyone who’s boss and making them grovel. I’d say it’s about Pen and Colin learning to say “fuck it, I don’t care what they think of me. I’m not going to change who I am for people who don’t care about me and who do not deserve my attention.” Even Colin doesn’t have to see “the new Pen” because he already liked the old version of her. She doesn’t become irresistible to him because she changed. She became irresistible because he changed his mindset.
Which brings me to: The new Colin is so annoying!
Why is Colin suddenly a rake who visits brothels? Why is he charming all the women? He acts like the kid who went to study a semester abroad and returns with a new personality. I prefer the “old Colin”. The confession lacked romance and poetry. These are just some of the complaints.
And I agree. That isn’t Colin. Which - again - is exactly the point. Colin is putting on a show to fit in. But he’s kidding himself. And the show spells this out directly multiple times:

• LW gives him a dressing down.
• Eloise tells him flat out.
• His “friends” say “you’re much more fun this season. What happened to you?”
• His brother jests “who are you and what have you done to our brother?”
• His mother gently warns him about not keeping his “armor” on for too long.
• Colin himself admits it several times. In the carriage scene he flat out tells Pen he’s been trying and failing to be someone he’s not. To “feel less” (as in “feel things less deeply, be less sensitive”, not “feel less for Pen” btw).

Why do we get pirate Colin? Partly because of what happened in season one and two. It took him a while to let go of what happened with Marina. Although I believe not because he really loved her genuinely. She was just a symbol for his search for purpose. I think the conversation with Penelope where she talks about her own purpose in life is part of why he went to find himself. And another big part in this “new Colin” is also indirectly caused by Pen:
Why did he return so changed this time and not when he returned from Greece last season? Why is this grand tour different? I’d say because Pen didn’t answer his letters. She is the only one who has taken him seriously. Even Colin’s family acts annoyed when he talks about his (sometimes lofty) thoughts and feelings. He gets rebuffed for it all the time. His siblings mock his philosophical nature, they mocked his stubble in season two. Treated him like a child. Only Pen genuinely listens. Her letters used to ground him and gave him an outlet for his true personality to shine. And it took just one summer without her grounding him for Colin to completely lose himself.
Isn’t it ironic, and deliberately so, that Colin returns completely changed (on first glance), tells Pen that charm can be learned and how to attract men by leaving her favorite topics behind. How she should just smile, laugh and flutter her lashes at the men. And after just a couple of interactions with her, just a couple of reminders who he is around her, he completely changes his tune and tells her to just be herself because she already is charming? He gives her this very true and valuable advice and yet up until episode four he doesn’t realize he should take his own advice?
It really just takes a couple of interactions with Pen for Colin to get completely over his new fake personality. And I think the carriage scene is when Colin realizes his purpose. It’s Pen. As Violet told him: he’s sensitive and he wants to be helpful to others. He tried being Marina’s savior even though she didn’t want to be saved. She wanted to use him to save herself. And in season two Colin actually fulfills his dream: He saves Pen and her family from Jack’s plot. And dances with her with a puffed up chest, brimming with pride and confidence. Season three makes him take on the role of Pen’s savior again. He likes standing up for her. He likes who he is when he can protect her. And he likes how she is the only one who appreciates that side of him. You can see it in his face when the carriage arrives in front of his house. He’s found his purpose. It was right under his nose all along.
I think maybe some people feel the romance plot is too subtle. And it doesn’t take center stage like the previous couples did. But I think that is deliberate and a great way to tackle the friends to lovers trope. Colin and Pen’s world shifts while no one is paying them much attention because everyone thinks they already know how these two characters stand toward each other. Only Violet, awesome mom that she is, susses Colin out.

a year ago, i pretended to have woken up to a warming wednesday morning in may when in fact, not even a minute of the previous night was spent in sleep. i dared to walk myself to the beauty salon, got my hair moisturized, painted my nails a shiny shade of pinkish white. a year ago, the neighborhood i had recognized as mine for the last twenty years didn’t look any different from usual - the bakery where my mother bought ham and cheese for breakfast as little child me followed her around was there, the old magazine stand was there, the men who thrift shoes and offer free fortune paper messages for your day were there, but my eyes were looking upon a whole new land. the colors were brighter, the wind blew softer, i swear the sun waved and smiled at me a year ago. a year ago, i first and last saw you.
that awkward hug, it made me think about the silliness of my body. my soul has known yours even before i was me and you were you, before malls and theaters were invented, yet it acted like we weren’t used to being close. i didn’t watch the movie. a year ago, my brain ignored a giant screen and loud noises because you were sitting next to me. my thoughts were rapid, tangled, yet so calm. he is here. his eyes are beautiful. he is beautiful. all things fit now. so much time has passed. he is here. i wish movies lasted longer. he is here. a year ago, you were there.
you walked me home. a year ago, i walked home for the first time in my life, despite having walked this path countless times - and this makes sense to me only. a friendly guy sold us candy to raise money for his soon-to-be family as his wife was pregnant, and told us what a charming couple we made. a year ago, his child was still in their mother’s womb. we waited for your driver. a year ago, i secretly wished for a driver’s tire to go flat. for his fuel filter to get blocked. and for him to win the lottery hours later to compensate for it. you pulled me closer. so this is what it feels like to have your head pulled off water after spending the last few years drowning. we kissed underneath the first sunset i ever saw in my life, even though i had seen the sunset before - and this makes sense to me only. a year ago, your lips were sweet and moist. i rested my head against your chest and i could hear your bubbly heartbeat, almost as if you were as happy to be there as i was. a year ago, i felt safe and secure for the first time in my life, but i actually had never felt this way before - and this makes sense to most. into your arms, there was no sorrow, no fear, no anxiety. a year ago, serenity took shelter within me. please, please, freeze the minutes. a year ago, i begged for time to stop. i wasn’t heard, and you had to go. a year ago, i was scared that in the moment you got inside that car, i would never see you again.
a year later, i realize that i was right. but i got to touch you. i am unable to unkiss your mouth. i will never die without the occurrence of a year ago. tomorrow, the day will start and things will go on as they should, but a year ago, it started with a strange sense of peace, as if everything in the world understood what had happened a day ago.

Richard is telling Christopher a Big Game story and The Gilmores and Haydens are making polite small talk in Emily's hallway Richard offers Christopher a Cuban cigar but only if he stays. They all stashed their quail in their napkins and are trying to figure out how to dispose it. Christopher suggests the bushes but they did that in 02 They decide they will throw it off a bridge. Sookie comes over early in the morning with coffee from Luke's and muffin tops since they are Lorelai's favorite part. (I'm with Lorelai on this one) Lorelai wonders why she is there so early Sookie needs a baby sitter for their ski trip because the sitter has Mono. Lorelai says the muffin tops taste like a bribe. Lorelai tells Chris and as long as Sookie doesn't need anything from him he has a good day. He shipped his daughter to Grandma and with Lorelai away he can install the Flat Screen
Sookie is too emotional about the babysitting Chris likes the coffee until he finds out it's from Luke's Rory leaves a note on Lucy and Olivia's door. Chris is ready to install the TV and Lorelai realizes he is using her hair conditioner
Luke is sitting in the courthouse and his lawyer comes up Luke is asking about the case and he is telling him to be quiet. Luke asks Anna if she parked in the garage, Anna is annoyed and acting superior. She says he doesn't paint a picture of a capable father. She accuses him of bailing on Lorelai and got divorced on a heart beat. Anna is just evil
Rory arrives at her and Paris apartment and Paris is planning for them to apply for fellowships and she has a chart
Lorelai shows up at Jackson and Sookie's house Davey is hiding and then excited to see Lorelai Sookie can't figure out what to wear Sookie is getting hysterical about leaving the kids.
Richard has office hours for students and Rory goes to visit him. Richard asks if she is there as a granddaughter or butter him up. Paris wants to know if Richard can set up a meeting with Paris, Rory and the Dean. Richard starts to tell Rory about his plans and he notices she is distracted. He asks what's wrong and she tells him about Lucy and she sent her a letter. Richard says anyone who knows you knows you wouldn't purposely hurt anyone.
Sookie and Jackson return early. Lorelai is concerned because she didn't have time to clean up. Jackson knocked Sookie's drink over and wouldn't let her ski. Lorelai is asking Jackson what is wrong. She realizes that Sookie is pregnant. She asks him about the vasectomy, he said he didn't want it and Lorelai says he should have told her but he said no reason because she was staying on the pill but Lorelai says Sookie went off it last month. He goes inside and tells her she is pregnant and Sookie storms off with Lorelai.
April's lawyer is comparing Luke to the school bus driver. The judge agrees that is a stretch. She implies that he only recently revealed himself. Luke defends himself that April looked for him and he doesn't work in a diner, he owns it.
Sookie is ranting and raving about being pregnant. (I get that he lied to her but she never should have demanded a vasectomy) Sookie says there were less than 4,000 diapers left. Now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Sookie says all babies are is eat, sleep, poop. Lorelai says babies are cute, and first bath. Sookie says Lorelai is playing dirty trying to make her think having a baby is okay.
Paris is suggesting that they do some volunteer work in March. Rory is looking sadly at Lucy. Paris goes over to yell at Lucy Paris tells Lucy Rory is a great friend and she should forgive her. Lucy forgives her because Rory is Rory. She tried to figure out what she would do in her shoes. She and Olivia tried to act it out and she broke up with Marty.
Chris has installed the tv but Paul Anka says it's not straight. Chris is looking for the level
The judge asks what Anna has done to prepare for April. She is Miss Perfect mother and Luke's lawyer says they aren't contesting that. They are upset that Anna is cutting him out of her life. Luke over-reacts and is defending himself badly. Chris is looking for the level an he finds a copy of Lorelai's letter for Luke. The judge reads the letter Lorelai wrote. She says she has known him for ten years and she never felt alone since they became friends and he has always been there for her daughter. He has been a father figure in her daughter's life. Chris just wants to cry like a toddler
Lorelai comes home and is gushing about the TV. Chris says he read the letter, that sounds like a love letter. Chris asks if their marriage is just marking time. He admits she had deep feelings for Luke. She is explaining it was a character reference. Chris is asking if she still sees him. He says he knows she is not done with him. Chris asks her to say she is not in love with Luke. She says it. Chris says, he should have seen the signs, why she didn't want to move, why she doesn't want the wedding party, why did she hid the letter. He says he can't be her rebound.
Lucy, calls and invites Rory and Paris to go tray sledding. Lorelai wakes up to an empty bed and looks sad, the phone rings and it's Luke to tell her he won thanks to her letter. He gets shared custody, half of the holidays, half the summer and one weekend a month.
Richard is teaching his class and makes a joke about extensions but then he collapses in front of the class. Rory yells for someone to call 911
This is actually one of my favorite episodes in season 7 Anna loses. It is the beginning of the end of Lorelai and Chris and the Paris/Rory scenes are charming.