Why would you take wellbutrin to get high

Let's face it, we've all tried to shoot AI from 100s of meters away. It's always been 'cheatcode' as humans Vs AO to shoot them out of aggro range in other games.
But now that the Devs have made it so AI shoot back at us (albeit with iron sights AK spraying us from super far), everyone complains about broken AI and it being unfair or unrealistic.
And rightfully so. It isn't realistic. But we can't just allow the AI to not aggro on us. And just asking them to "be smarter" like "repositon" or "hide/take cover" just kicks the van down the road and doesn't actually solve anything..cuz all we'll do is find a new angle, snipe another..watch them squirm and hide..rinse repeat. All that without ever risking anything, which isn't fun or engaging gameplay.

• So I put it to you, Grayzone players/snipelong-range engagers/scope enjoyers...how would you balance AI long range engagements so that they felt fair and not cheesy?

I'll start. If you miss your shot, target 1 will go find target X who is their resident sniper (every sight, especially military installations, should have multiple of these),who tries to counter snipe you and at the same time rallies 3-4 of his buddies to hunt you down in the location they heard the shot ring out by flanking you and fanning out slowly clearing the wider area. If it's an isolated dude. He runs for cover if not dead on first shot and warns his friends to be on high alert.
After which, crouched and lying down AI are automatically scouting hill ranges and have extended sightlines...if they spot you they fire 1-2 warning shots. If you don't take the hint they start hitting you in your lower body/legs cuz these aren't dedicated snipers like target X, these are iron sight, banana wearing jungle hooligans..so they know nothing about bullet drop and zeroing etc.. Eventually they get more accurate the more shots they hit...but by that time you should have multiple actual snipers trying to snipe you down, a squad closing the distance towards you by flanking and not just b lining it to your LKP. Fan out and clear tactics.
It's actually incredibly hard to program right and make it feel like a real engagement.
Let's hear it. What are your ideas?

I made an order on Instacart for a few high end items. Whenever you do so they have a window pop up saying you will need to sign for it. Makes sense since they are high end items not just groceries. The driver went to store purchased items and turned his phone off. Instacart couldn’t even get in touch with him. Told me they would reattempt delivery in morning but they never did. Most of calls I make to them they hang up and don’t help at all. I’ve been shopping with them for years yet they refuse to redeliver or refund me. I clearly did sign for delivery and driver came no where near my address. He stole it. The prick has a photo with half his dusty face on it. One eyeball half his nose and hair. His photo even looks shady, why let someone scared to show their face even drive? Still driving for them like he didn’t steal my order and inconvenience me with talking to customer service who hangs up on me and not resolving the issue. Been shopping with them for to long to be done like this. Not form of compensation for my wasted time and fact that this bum stole my items. Never using Instacart again and I’m spreading the truth about how they treat loyal customers. Can’t even go to police because it’s threw Instacart even though this was clearly theft. I signed for nothing and received nothing. But they happily took my money and won’t deliver what I paid for or refund me. Don’t use Instacart good ppl, because Instacart whole setup is full of bad ppl. The drivers steal they treat the customer at fault. Call customer service they’ll hang up on you without resolving anything. Very shady service.

I'm in my mid 30s and have been married for more than five years. There's absolutely nothing wrong with my relationship other than me and my desire to have more without ever acting on it. As the years ticked by, my sexual needs and desires grew and grew. I did what most do and turned to porn and Dirty Reddit chats to supplement what I wasn't getting in the bedroom.
As the law of diminishing returns held true, I decided to escalate. I made a dating profile in a city across the country where I frequent for work. I used real pictures, honest details and a fake first name. I'm a good looking, fit and successful guy but was still surprised at how much attention I got on the app. When I got married these apps were just taking off so the whole experience was exciting.
After a few days I met lots of interesting people but made two deeper connections with two women in particular, both very intelligent in high status jobs. The conversations and connections were so deep and fun I felt like a teenager again. We chatted frequently over two weeks to the point that my excuses for not asking them out were wearing thin (travel, busy, moving, etc).
After some thought I decided to make up a story to my wife and book a flight to the city. I booked a hotel for the week and followed through on the dates I set to take each of them for a nice high end dinner. The entire process was incredibly anxiety provoking but I was able to compartmentalise by telling myself that I'm just meeting some friends in a different city.
My backstory is me with minor details changed. This makes things natural. I scrubbed my socials and cleared my footprint so that just enough information can be found if you stumble across me. Before I gave my number, I told each of them my real name with a reasonable reason as to why I used a fake one - each accepted my explanation.
When I met the first one, I literally almost fainted from anxiety. After a few minutes I got it together and became myself. To say I had fun is an understatement, it was exciting, awkward, nervous and everything in-between. I had so much fun. We had so much fun.
She invited me to her place and we hung out. We did the typical slow burn and ended up making out. Then moving further and further. At one point she told me I was shaking as I laughed it off. But in reality I was so nervous. We reached her bedroom and for some reason I wasn't able to get it up. She was great and supportive but it was clear my nerves got the best of me. We fell asleep and I woke up a few hours later ready to go. We ended up having absolutely mind melting sex.
Over the week we had several more dates and hooked up having absolutely 10/10 sex each time that somehow got better after each encounter. The dates and the sex were amazing. It restored whatever was lost inside me and made me feel like a man again. This still feels amazing as I slowly became demasculated for no particular reason in my relationship and developed an odd cuck fetish which actively turns me off now.
To avoid suspicion, I ended it slowly and honestly. It was hard. It was a real breakup even though almost everything was fake. Even if I wanted, there were too many lies for anything to ever work which I'm sure I did subconsciously by design.
I am now back home with my wife as if nothing ever happened, refreshed. I'm calm and normal with subtle flashes of wonderful times I had away in my alternate reality. There was so much risk and excitement with what I did, but the most fascinating part of it all was how easy it was to manipulate my way to get what I wanted. My lies and half truths flowed off my tongue. My backstory held up under intense pressure when red flags appeared. It was simple to connect with such an intelligent someone under such false pretences.
I realize I am a horrible person but my brain has somehow compartmentalized the entire experience as if it never happened which is making it difficult to manage and reflect.

Bit of a selfish post here, not asking for guidance on benefits as such, so I hope this is okay! I wanted to reach out to my follow advisers to get your thoughts...
What would you consider to be "specialist experience" in terms of welfare rights/advice roles?
I've worked in the field for almost a decade, have supported clients with MR's, appeals, etc, and after working under a number of managers who I feel have let their staff down, I have decided I would like to progress my career into management to try and make a difference. The roles I keep seeing often state that they are looking for "specialist experience" but aren't really clear about what this is.
One role I am particularly interested in requires significant firsthand experience in both First Tier and Upper Tier tribunals - is this common in the industry? I've attended a fair few tribunals but I'm a bit worried that they're asking for something way above my current experience, and I don't want to apply and look silly!
Is this a common requirement in a team leader role, and I'm just not as experienced as what they are looking for, or is this a matter of them trying to get an individual who is as highly trained as possible?
I like to think I'm fairly good on paper in terms of my qualifications, experience and memberships. I have considerable experience in rehousing, benefits, debt, etc. But I haven't interviewed for anything new since securing my current role, and I don't think my confidence could take an awkward interview where I'm massively out of my depth!
Would love to hear your thoughts.

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Essemi chapter
The Defender of Virtues was … Well, at least it was capable of moving around, which was rather impressive considering its age. It was built during the Aviel succession crisis, more than a century ago. It was, at the time, a brilliant display of engineering.
To be honest, its sheer size was still impressive, and it was probably better to command it than a smaller, more recent ship. Its shape was a classic example of the later Altirian period, a sort of arrow as the main body, with two smaller one attached to the sides. On the side the artificial gravity considered the “top”, there were building-like structures, resembling a city.
The whole thing looked like it was built for atmospheric flight, which was very much not the case, considering it was more than 800 meters long, and as such would probably fall apart under the forces applied. But it was definitely stylish, even if a little outdated, and still very practical.
There were worse ships to be stuck on for months for sure, and the crew was pretty nice too, barring the exception sitting in front of me. Of course, I was the one who needed to manage Commander Zedbi for the foreseeable future.
“I have come once again to make my complaints heard, Captain.”
“Commander, it’s much too late for me to go back on my decision, even if I wanted to. Complaining now will accomplish nothing except waste everyone’s time.”
“Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before limiting me to bringing only three servants on board. Someone of my status needs at least five, even in special circumstances.”
“Commander, this is a long-term mission. Anyone we bring will be a significant strain on our precious resources. I consider three servants to be more than sufficient for our officers.”
“Yes, I guess you wouldn’t understand who would need more personnel than your mother was ever able to afford. Then again, you only have one butler on a captain’s salary. Guess the Temidian blood runs strong in your family.”
“Enough, Commander. Go back to your post or this conversation will be reported to high command on our return.”
“You wouldn’t dare! They’ll know I’m right!”
Curiously for someone so sure of his righteousness, he still left the bridge, letting me concentrate on the maps of what was known on Terra space. The answer was resoundingly ‘not much’. But we could speculate on what systems would be the potentially juiciest to settle for them, considering what we knew.
I was busy planning the best potential routes for our operation, when the absolute darkness I could see through the glass bay suddenly filled with stars, and the main alarm began blasting.
“We left FTL”, screamed a Licam operating the propulsion system.
“I can see that,” I mumble. “Cut the alarm and send everyone to their combat position. Every officer on the bridge. We need to assess the situation.”
I was already thinking. We were five days of travel away from Earth. We had just encountered an FTL disruption field. What could that mean? Well first of all, the map the sensors were building around us didn’t detect any significant body or hostile vessels nearby, which meant… The disruption field filled a significant part of the system!
For what purpose? It was obvious: traversing it without distortion would take us months. It was a wall. I quickly went over the implications. A disruptor station had to be manned, or at least, maintained. That meant they needed ships travelling for months at sub light speed to resupply these stations! That was quite the commitment to prevent us entry. Fortunately, we could easily turn back to exit the field and go back home, which is exactly what I ordered.
Then, something impossible happened. A ship appeared on the radar, as if it had just exited a jump. But it had done so in the disruption field. Even worse, the gravitational wave detector spiked, like we were now almost right next to the disruptor.
I realized that it was the case: this ship could ignore the disruption field, and as such it had no problem having the disruptor on board.
We began blasting at it with our energy weaponry, to no avail. They were essentially teleporting after each time they fired, always being gone by the time our rays reached their position.
After of few minutes of that pointless exchange of fire, were our weapons never hit and theirs did barely any damage, twelve new signals appeared on the screen coming towards us at a terrifying speed. Missiles! No, the way they maneuvered to escape our point defenses ruled that out. Strike crafts…
The Terrans were hopelessly outmatched in firepower, and elven of the strike crafts were destroyed. But the last one managed to slam in the left “secondary hull”, destroying it almost entirely. We could survive without it, but I doubted that was all the Humans had in stock. We needed to get out now, but how? We were in the middle of a light-hour wide disruption field, that our enemy could somehow ignore! But that gave me an idea. If it didn’t work, we were dead anyway.
“Activate the disruptor!”
My subordinates didn’t understand why I would do that when the enemy was clearly immune to it, but they weren’t paid to think, and they knew it! (Those who were paid at all, that is.)
as soon as our own field reached the enemy ship, they became a lot less jumpy. I was right, they could jump in the field they generated, but ours could still pin them down!
“Fire a relativistic missile at them and cut the field so that they can jump a second before it hits them!”
If we destroyed the main craft, I had no doubt the strike crafts would avenge it. If they fled, however, we might have a chance. Of course, the most logical course of action for them would be to dodge and finish us of, but I hoped one second would be a short delay enough to overwrite rationality in the brains of our opponents.
And I was right. After a few hours, when the enormous disruption field had completely dissolved, our enemies still hadn’t returned, and we were able to escape.
If Commander Zebdi had not met his demise during the battle, (a tragedy that took me several seconds to recover from), he would have probably pointed out that that we should have destroyed the ship at the cost of our lives in the name of honor.
I, however, was certain that the intel we were bringing back would be a more devasting blow to humanity than the loss of any ship could be. The fact that it allowed us to remain alive was merely a pleasant side effect.

I (21F) have been talking to a (21M) friend that I went to high school with. We never talked too much in high school and he also had some girlfriends along the way. After a few years, we met in university and I came up to him and said hi because I was happy to see someone i knew in my class.
At that moment he showed a lot of interests in me asking what my type was and to hang out but I dismissed it because I was already talking to someone and thought that he couldn’t have been as serious since I thought that I wasn’t his type.
After that, a year passed by and I started snapping him and reached out first again and face timing overall. The facetimes went pretty nice and we had fun overall. We hung out once shortly during the facetiming phase (he asked to hang out) and it went pretty nice too. But after around 2-3 days of face timing he said that he doesn’t like face timing as much since it takes a lot of time.
I didn’t think much of it since we did snap each other constantly. We did plan to hang out again but then I had to cancel and i did show that I was super sad to cancel. The day of cancelling, he wasn’t distant at all but after that day, he’s been distant ever since.
I had the courage to ask him at night if he would want to hang out next week and he simply just said i’ll check and never said anything after that. Did i get soft rejected? Do you guys think he found another girl to talk to? Is me texting at night something I shouldn’t have done? I did only text/call at night but that’s because i was scared that I’d be bothering him too much during the day.

First of all I need to say: I live and work in Europe. Salaries are generally lower here, especially in higher level jobs, and taxes are high. Just in case you wonder why the numbers are generally low. My numbers are in €, but €:$ is almost 1:1 anyways.
I am 36, currently work in a high stress job that brings in about 120k a year before tax which is about 5.5k after tax and social security contributions. I‘m saving between 2 and 3k into a world ETF every month, currently 250k invested / NW.
Living expenses are about 3k. They will probably be a little higher when my work hours become less (currently 50-60hweek) so I‘m planning with 4k monthly expenses.
To reach 4k as a SWR, I‘ll need about 1.5M invested capital. My plan is/was to increase my salary to about 150k which is definitely possible but will come with even more stress and pressure. That way I could - if everything goes well and the market brings average returns - reach my FIRE number in about 10 years. I‘ll call this PLAN A.
RE at 46 sounds really great to me. But the 10 years till then will be very stressfull.
Now I was offered a different job in an organization that partly belongs to the government. that job comes with a lot of advantages but also with a lower salary: - 38.5 hours in a mostly relaxed office job - Salary 100k - collective agreement that ensures yearly raises that more or less equal the inflation rate - very flexible part time options. I could reduce or increase (up to 40) my monthly hours freely - home office possible at least on some days - 6 months of continued payments if I get sick (instead of 6 weeks in my current job) - after 10 years it‘ll be almost impossible to get fired. - almost no over time work, no need to prepare or learn stuff in my free time (which is the case in my current job)
That sound like heaven to me compared to my current job. But it will destroy my current fire plans.
So PLAN B would be: - Go for the more relaxed job now and do the 38.5 hours - enjoy the additional free time - In 10 years I won‘t be able to RE, but I will be able to reduce my working hours to 24, maybe even 16 hours a week (2 or 3 days). - In 20 years I might still be able to FIRE if the markets went well and since I might get an inheritance (my parents will be 90 then; I hope they live till 100 but statistics say the probably won‘t).
Which way would you go in my situation? Plan A or Plan B?
Thank you for your opinions!

Waking up in the middle of the night I find myself restless
So much has come into focus in the last few days. The station, my first steps on another world. It is all a bit overwhelming. Relaxing my thoughts drift off thinking about how I got here. A young girl on Europa, being selected for training after my aptitude tests, the Academy on Ganymede. Then as always my thoughts drift back to… her…
Lucy…
We started at rivals at the academy, we were from different worlds. Literally, me from Europa a wet ocean world remote and isolated, her an inner worlder from the hot dusty plains of Venus. We were water and fire.
The professors pitted us against each other from day one, based on our aptitude tests we were the top of the class. They split the class into teams and gave us challenges. I like to say I got the better of her, I was fast out the gate winning a few challenges. But Lucy turned back on me in a vengeance, she had a magnetism to her that caused our classmates to almost be addicted to her. People from my team would defect over to Lucy. Soon I found myself vastly outnumbered.
One day after Lucy and her team thrashed me again in a simulated strategy challenge. I left and I needed to be alone. I showered, went into the sauna. Replaying the moves again and again. How was I going to get the upper hand. She outnumbered me so much.
Everyone knew to leave me alone in the sauna. It was where I thought, relaxed, my place of peace. I was frustrated, I lean back against the wall and let me hands wander. Gently down my body, letting my stress evaporate as I tease myself…Then the door opened…. And it was Lucy. A cocky grin in her face.
We had been thinking about nothing but each other and we had both become obsessed. When that tension broke. Let me just say in a sauna fire and water combine to make something beautiful. Lucy and I did as well.
She moved towards me quickly, letting her towel drop, she was direct with a purpose. Grabbing the back of my head and kissing me deeply. I was shocked.. surprised... Excited..
I grabbed the back of her head and kissed her back. A deep need inside of me welling up, our lips slid across each other's as our tongue intertwined. I poured my life water of passion into her. She flared up and accepted my passion. Her hands exploring my body as I moved my knees between her legs.
Fuuuccckkk…. When she arched her back… so beautiful… MMM nnngghhhh an orgasm washed over me in my bed while I thought of Lucy.
Panting… even after all this time, separated by a waygate and unfathomable distance my body still yearned for her, I still yearned for her. Rolling onto my side I stare out my window into the vastness of space and the void. My fingers still ryhmically dancing on my pussy. Fingers sliding in and out
Your taught at the academy not to develop attachments, especially since the top prize, the highest honor of our training, to one day fly a deep space exploration through a waygate. Which would put us alone, in a different system. Like I am now.
Even if I power up my waygate in record time and rush home. Lucy is most likely gone. She was my alternate, meaning had I been unable to go this time she would have. It also means she most likely the deployed to her own system and would be gone before I returned. Likely I would never see her again.
Biting my lips and pressing a hand out onto the glass…yes…yes.. there
Fuck again….Fuucckkkkk LLLLuuucccCC
EeeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeemmmmmAAAAAA, a beautiful black haired woman orgasms in a bed identical to Emeras save the ambient lighting is blue inside of pink.
Fuck…. That was good. I find myself panting as I step out into the hallway of my ship. 2 days since the waygate, 6 months since I last saw Emera. Since she departed through her gate. Stars know if she still lives.
It was a rare happening, another gate coming online shortly after Emera’s departure. I thought I would be flying routine patrols around the system. Now I'm alone. Alone with my thoughts of her, and my AI Julia. Fuck. Why couldn't we have gone together. Why only one pilot to a ship. Who knows maybe she's thinking of me. Technically the systems we are in are closer together than home. That's something…
You're probably wondering if I was outnumbered and Lucy normally had my number in competition then how did I get to leave first. Yes, I did sleep with high command. That was only my closing argument though. You see Lucy had her magnetism that caused people to be addicted to her, she drew people in. But I was better at strategy and nuanced maneuvers.
The rules weren't strict on the teams, people defected all the time. Keeping your people together was part of the challenge. I decided to break that challenge.
No Battleplan survives first contact with the enemy afterall. Why not break the competition itself
My enemy wasn't Lucy, trust me we had been together enough at this point my heart swelled when I saw her. My enemy was the rules, and proctors.
There had to be two team in the academy for the lessons to work. But the rules only set a minimum not a maximum.
Lucy and her best 4 left her team, and me and my best 4 left my team. We formed a new team with Lucy and I at the head. The proctors were fuming. I was called into their offices again and again. Which is what led to me sleeping with a few of them to get ahead. It is always good to solicit a meeting with superiors, you can always be turned to your advantage.
In the Academy, there were 50 of us girls. The proctors let us keep our 3rd team, but declared no one else could join us. It was the ten of us vs double our number on both the other teams. Not ideal… but we had Lucy and I together. My how we shined
We out maneuvered, out paced, and out thought the other teams again and again and again..
Entering into the final the proctors split everyone up, eliminating the team. Just to try and stop us from sweeping the competition. Instead there would be 25 teams of 2 members each of our own selection. Lucy and I naturally selected each other.
We set down on a terraformed valley on Mars, all the other duos were around. The mission was complex. Gather knowledge, survive in the wilderness, there were simulator villages where we had to set up relations, and if possible eliminate other teams.
The gravity is different from what I'm used to, my body feels heavy. Sluggish, they train us on this and soon I'll adapt. But first landing it hits me like a weight. Ffuuuccckkk I murmur as I land my account ship on the surface.
Lucy always compares a new celestial body to a lover. Well for me Mars just grabbed my hair, slapped my ass and pushed in
Fuck I can't imagine landing on Earth. Triple this, fuck that give me my moon mother's oceans anyday.
I suck deep and hard on the control in my mouth and all three extract from me. I am about to get up from the control seat when I feel a palm in the small of my back
“Lucy not funny, let me up” I say
She giggles, and rubs my ass cheeks before her fingers rub against my lips
I moan biting my lip as I push myself against her hand
“I knew the gravity here would give a Moonie like you a good fucking, you're so wet my love”
Rolling my head back and forth..”quickly we have to debrief and set up camp” I moan
She smacks my ass again and her fingers deftly slide to work, one hand pinning me to the chair while she teases my sex, her thumb rubbing in perfect circles on my clit and her fingers pulling on my g-spot
“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes uuuhhhhh my love it feel so good” shaking my hips back and forth I feel it building as I rock my hips on her hand
Squeezing….my leg….quivering… my voice squeaking… “uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh ffuuuccckkk” I moan as I feel the orgasm wash over me…
Lucy slaps my ass playfully and licks her fingers… “let's go my love, stop playing around we have to set up camp” she giggles
“Oh!! You!!” I get up and rush after her slapping her ass when I catch up
Carryalls follow us out of the ship.. I immediately sent out the scout drones and assessed our landing spot. Allocating tasks and running diagnostics.
Lucy set about converting the ship to a shelter and arranging power arrays, and deciding on perimeter defenses
We were a perfect power duo. Our carryalls and scouts were soon all at work, and Lucy was finishing up the shelter
I needed to repay her, so I slowly walked up behind her. She heard my heavy steps in the gravity. Turning to look at me she beamed at me. My heart melted and grabbing both sides of her face I pinned her to the side of the ship. Our bodies intertwined and our lips locked.
She moaned at me giggling, pushing my knee between her legs, and we quickly undressed each other. Her mouth on my breast, as my hand glided down to her slick vagina.
Grabbing her chin roughly and up turning her head exposing her neck I sink my teeth into it as I push forward with my knee back and forth pressing my fingers in and out of her.
A deep moan emanates from her, licking my bite mark I kiss up her neck until my forehead is resting hers. Eye to eye, I watch the pleasure build in her. Thrust after thrust of my knee. My fingers pressing into her g-spot every time, my palms pressing and grinding onto her clit
“Cum for me my love, give me your sweetness, I want your water to be the first I drink on this planet” I breath
I feel her pussy tighten and grip my fingers. Her legs twisting around me… she goes silent… a flush rises in her flesh… we kiss deep, and long, and passionately as I feel her gush onto my hand as orgasm rapts her body..
I watch her eyes dilate and relax I kiss her gently again before kissing down, my lips brushing through her pubic hair tickling my lips. Opening my mouth and pressing my tongue in I drink of her orgasm
My fingers inside pressing to work again, she cries out as she rocks her hips grinding her lips to mine. As she gushes another orgasm into my mouth..
I can even taste and feel it now on my tongue…
Releasing her, and helping her up I grin
Walking awayz the top of my leotard open my tits out in the sun
“I'm up by one my love, and you taste so GGGGOOOOoooOOooddddDD” I giggle setting back to work.
Days and weeks pass Lucy and I set up our camp. Wefind nearby teams before they find us. We quickly fall on them in the night, clearing our immediate area, eliminating them from the contest. We bathe in a nearby stream, sun ourselves on the rocks, make love on the soft moss of the forest.
I don't know if I've ever been happier, ever been more at peace l than I was then with Lucy. Her and I… her and I against the world.
We make good progress setting up relations with 12 of the 15 villages. Our camp is well stocked. We receive updates from the proctors from dead drops. Seems out of the 25 teams only 8 remain. Lucy and I have eliminated 7 ourselves.
We need to be the last standing, triumphant together.. so that maybe.. maybe we can convince them to send two of us on a ship. Imagine the wonders, this wouldn't be temporary, but would become our life.
Lucy and I talk about it often. We can convince them. We'll defeat the others then refuse to turn on each other.
Our dream died that night…
We were naked, curled up in each others arms when the alarm sounded..all the alarms
Proximity alert for 14 signals… they had teamed up on us. 14 on 2 they were going to eliminate the front runners while they still could.
Fuck.
Lucy and I turned and quickly downed our emergency biotic vials just as a concussive blast hit our ship shelter.
“Fuck! They aren't supposed to attack equipment!” I yell
“The proctors must have sent them, they should be intervening with that!” Lucy says
“You're better in a fight, charge them and I'll flank” I yell
We nod at each other and we are off naked as the day we were born
Lucy bursts from our ship her shield bursting out in front of her
I dart out the side and task our scouts and drones to make dive bomb attacks on the intruders
I leap over a blast, grab a tree branch and swing. I land my legs on either side of the head. Of one the attackers, twisting my flip her over and knock her out. Back on the run, I see Lucy take out another one as drones dive in and out of the chaos.
Lucy blocks to her right and charges blasting herself high into the air, twirling before blasting herself downward tackling her target to the ground and eliminating her.
She's about to get blasted from behind when I take the attackers in the flank, knee to the solarplex. My hand on the side of her neck I thrust up hard with my knee. In the low gravity she turns and flies off into the trees as I raise my hands and blast another in the side.
She turns just in time to block my attack, when Lucy rockets into her side with her elbow

Bear with me while I explain where I'm coming from.
The context for this question comes mostly from reading arguments about the role of Essence in the setting and the way Magic is fundamentally a "birthright" to special insight about the way the universe works and the power to interact with it. Now, I personally love that as part of the setting, but what I don't love is how the setting seems to shy away from giving it the Cyberpunk treatment. Yes, Mages are employed by corporations and all corporations want them, but the setting portrays Magic as something that's fundamentally uncontrollable by the corporations. It can pop up anywhere and give anyone the power to ruin their plans. It's a bright spot in the setting, but by dint of that it leaves me with an odd feeling.
This is meant to be speculative fiction to a large extent, and it feels like the speculation there doesn't go far enough. The main culprit, in my eyes, is the MAG score and the role of Initiation.
We all know a higher MAG score is better, and Initiation, the only method to increase it, is usually something you can't do during character generation. It's something left out for the sake of progression and tied directly to karma, which makes its actual cost nebulous. Karma doesn't have a clear material presence in the setting; It exists as a game mechanic exclusively. This creates a strange situation, where, for example, a Mage born with a MAG score of 1 can increase their MAG score by spending Karma up to the limit of their Essence, but that karma doesn't translate to any particular thing that enables that growth. It just happens.
What I want to posit is an alternative to that: A way for Awakened characters to buy up their MAG score with nuyen and to perform Initiation in the same way. I picture it as the cost of reagents and awakened plants or animal parts with high Availability required to increase one's power and control, maybe even to pay an Alchemist to turn this into a pill like in Chinese Xianxia, or to perform treatments. Using these things, Mages would grow stronger in quantifiable ways.
I feel like it would add to the setting in several key ways:

• It would justify the presence of powerful mages working for Corporations, for one. Corporations would pay for all of these resources and treatments to get their Mages up to snuff, the same way they already buy their spells and formulas. It would create a real incentive for the independent Mage to join a corporation's payroll beyond simple lifestyle, and a potential leash for any enterprising Mr. Johnson: You stop taking runs from me and the free upgrades stop coming. This is something that might actually matter to player characters, whereas having their character live in a penthouse instead of an alleyway usually doesn't.
  
• It would push Mages into the rat race. Now they have to think about how much they're being paid, instead of working pro-bono and still getting all they need. Even if the change is to add nuyen as an alternative payment, getting paid in both nuyen and karma becomes a path to two initiations so you don't need working for the people/man rules anymore. It also frees Mages from the working for the people treadmill that pigeonholes them as the "good guys" of the setting. Mages can now benefit from something other than charity work, instead of being penalized for it.
  
• It would create space for new characters and backstories. How did your Mage reach his MAG 6 at chargen, if they even did? Were they born that lucky? Did they have a sponsor or mentor? Was it by working under a corporation or outside their sphere of influence? Was there some kind of Awakened plant or beast involved in the process, and what does that mean for your Magic? It might even create new space for mechanics, like new Adept Paths or Mage Paths that grant spells that otherwise don't see much play. It also creates an excuse not to take MAG to 6 from the get go, and a reason for the mechanics around the numbers there to loosen up a bit. Maybe a way to substitute your MAG in skill dicepools for MAG skills, so low MAG Mages can still roll well but be limited by Force.
  
• Finally, it equalizes augmentations on both sides of the tech/magic divide. It makes Mages corruptible through the promise of power same as mundanes and makes rewards no longer a complicated mess out of character. The Mage can be just as tempted by a big pile of Nuyen because it translates directly to personal power and not simply "fluff" for them.
  

Hi, just an ordinary person searching for someone to chat with. Why I way ordinary is because I’ve read some of the posts here and basically want and agree to some of them:

1. Due to responsibilities, I might take my time to respond, so I hope that doesn’t discourage you!
2. Prefer not to rush things and respect boundaries. Or if you don’t do vices and have good values, it would also be great :)

Just a bit about me to get some conversation started; - I enjoy travelling and gaming - I also try to learn new things so that’s what kept me on my feet the whole time
If you are someone who enjoys speaking or have deep conversations but is also not bothered by late replies (don’t worry I will tell you when I am busy! I believe communication is important!) , feel free to send me a message of where you are from, age, interests etc :)
Hope to hear from you :)

Introduction: Hello, I was born and raised in a devout Muslim family in Michigan. Islam was not just a religion for me; it was a way of life in every aspect. I prayed five times a day, fasted during Ramadan, and wore the hijab since I was 15-16. For many years, my faith provided me with a sense of community, identity, and purpose. Personal Journey: Growing up, I never questioned my beliefs. My family and community were my world, and Islam was the foundation of that world. However, as I entered my late teens, I began to encounter ideas and perspectives that made me question the beliefs I had always taken for granted. It started subtly—questions about the role of the Lord in every religion. During quarantine, I was 15-16 years old (now turning 20), I became so religious compared to the person I was before. I was reading the Quran and trying to memorize 99 names of Allah. I was fasting every Monday and Thursday (one time, my birthday was on a Thursday, and even fasted on the day). I wore the hijab and long skirt like I mentioned before. Experiencing Abuse: A significant and painful part of my journey involved experiencing abuse within my family. My mother is my first bully. She would throw insults and negative comments about my body and eating habits (no, I am actually pretty healthy). She is very insecure, and project her insecurities onto me. This went around for 5+ years. Key Questions and Doubts: One of the first issues that troubled me was the concept of being abused in Islam. Like I don’t know why some except me to trust a deity to give me a child abuser as my mother. Why would I do that? I also felt lost and hopeless when it comes to the whole thing about the respecting thing to my mother. Trust me, I do respect my mother, but she doesn’t respect me, making it so hard. I tried to find answers, but I never rather got a good one. Process of Leaving: I stop wearing hijab a few years ago. I am not going back. I loved it at first, but I gradually stop caring about it. I love my hair extensions (braids, twists, and planning to do french curls). I feel ten times more prettier for the clothes and hairstyle that I choose to wear. I am more into manifestation and affirmations to be honest. Spiritual is more freeing and gives me a happiness. Honestly, spiritual feels like a nice, warm hug. I am planning to buy some crystals too (rose quartz and citrine). Impact on Relationships: When I finally admitted to myself that I no longer believed in Islam, it did take a while. I think I was in denial for a few years. When I was 18-19, I stopped caring about religion as a whole. Although, I am more still questioning God to this day. I never told my family, knowing them, they would just get mad so I’m good. Hell, I never told anyone Muslim that I left the religion. I don’t need the extra backlash and stress. I only told my non-Muslims friends. Good thing that the only Muslims friends I have are online. They still call me sister, and I am just like ehh. Conclusion: Today, I moved out of my mom’s household. My journey out of Islam has been the most challenging experience of my life, but it has also been the most rewarding. I am at peace with my decision and look forward to a future where I can live in peace and happy.
Thank you for listening, and sorry for the long ass post.

It was half past nine when my shift at the diner ended. It’s not any place specifically you’d know, though you’d be forgiven for confusing it for a Waffle House given the abundance of cheap, greasy food and drunk clientele. The only thing distinguishing our location was that our doors closed at ten.
It was a cold night in October. The winds felt out of place for the fall season with the sharp way they bit into my skin. Usually, the low temperatures in Grant tended to hover around the mid-fifties. Tonight felt particularly frigid even bundled up in the warm confines of my jacket.
I hurried through the lot outside the diner, passing by several vehicles. When I made it to my car at the far end, I was quick to put the key in the ignition.
My car was a special edition Subaru Legacy. The only thing special about it was that it was only by the grace of God that my radiator and engine were still operational given the car was a little over two decades old.
When you turn the key, the engine would knock. My father said it was indicative of worn-out bearings. Could be an engine getting ready to declare sayonara before it crapped out one final time and departed for car heaven or perhaps car hell given its rough condition.
I knew little about that though; all I knew was that as a poor college student I was having a difficult enough time as is scrambling to make ends meet with a part time job at a diner. Regardless, whatever the solution, the answer involved money. Money I, notably, didn’t have.
The smart thing to do would be to purchase another used car; though in this economy that sort of thing is far easier said than done.
An even harder task than figuring out the financing for a replacement vehicle was getting this stubborn thing to turn. The engine threatened to exhibit life but would stop short of properly starting.
It was about the fifth round when my engine found the energy to fight the good fight on this frigid night. The engine knocked fiercely, reverberating inside the hood for a few seconds before the noise steadied itself.
I sighed in relief and backed out of my parking spot in the back of the lot.
As I left, I couldn’t help but notice something out of the corner of my eye. A man, a very rugged specimen of the male sex adorning a blue baseball cap and a grizzly beard, was approaching my vehicle at a brisk pace. Where I was the only one stationed at the back of the lot, it seemed odd he was coming my way.
I turned my head to acknowledge him. That’s when he began to break out into a full-on run.
My heart raced almost as fast as my car. I slammed the pedal down and sped out of the lot, the tires screeched loudly along the pavement as I veered to a sharp right.
​
I was lucky the road didn’t carry heavy traffic around this time of night. Where my eyes were focused on him, I was damn near lucky I hadn’t plowed directly into someone.
I sped along the highway and tried to rationalize why this lumberjack looking fellow had charged me. News reports of human trafficking came to mind, but it wasn’t really anything you heard much about in a place as remote as Grant Alabama.
For crying out loud, we physically were so remote one of the miniature cities within Grant was called Bucksnort. We were about as far from the Big Apple, or any real semblance of civilization, one could get.
After a minute of driving, I slowed down, especially when I heard something in the engine rattle. This car wasn’t designed for no races or wild chases. Not with the amount of age it carried.
Besides, I was alone. Safe.
At least that’s what I thought before I heard the blaring of a truck horn. An eighteen-wheeler was coming up behind me. Given I was the only other soul visible on this lonely two lane stretch of highway, it was clear they were honking at me.
I prayed to God and kept moving.
The big rig followed closely. We went down the road for two miles when suddenly my vision was obscured in a bright light.
The trucker was flashing his high beams. I could barely see when he hit me with them. I nearly swerved off the road when he did it.
After a few seconds the mounted flood lights on his vehicle relented and the blinding rays ceased their assault on my eyes.
I moved my car to the right lane to let him pass. He had no intention of doing so. His signal made that clear when he merged behind me.
Drops of rain began to pour from the sky lightly tapping my windshield.
Plop…plop, plop…plop.
My car didn’t handle well with slick roads. Fortunately, I wasn’t too far from home. Maybe another seven miles.
The fiery orange glow flooded the cabin of my car and I yelped.
I fumbled in my purse. One hand on the wheel, one digging desperately for my phone. With my visibility being periodically robbed, I was already a hazard on the road. Might as well risk compounding the issue if it meant I could get in contact with the police.
When the high beams vanished, I managed to pull out my phone and dial 911.
​
The operator answered after two rings. “911, what’s your emergency?” The man that answered the call sounded bored out of his mind, like he’d rather be anywhere else on a Saturday night.
I didn’t care if he was bored, entertained, playing with himself. As long as he could send someone out that’s all I cared about in the end.
“There’s a maniac tailgating me,” I said.
The operator’s voice clipped. Though from what I could understand of the roboticized sound coming out from his end of the line, I could tell from his tone he remained unenthused. “Ma’am, you’ve called an emergency line.”
​
“Y-you don’t understand! I was leaving work and this man started chasing me. I-I think he’s trying to hurt me.”
The operator fell silent for a few seconds. For a moment, between the rainy weather and the flaky signal, I thought I’d lost him. His voice reemerged seconds later. “Where are you?”
I rattled off the highway number I was driving on and told him my home address.
“I’ll get an officer dispatched in the area. ETA should be around ten minutes.”
Ten minutes. Six hundred seconds. Toss whatever metric you wanted to use to measure it out, with that big rig riding close behind me and the driver intermittently blinding me when they felt like getting their rocks off, it might as well have spanned an eternity. I was going to be lucky I didn’t crash into a guardrail or land myself in a ditch.
“Make that around fifteen minutes,” the operator clarified, his crackled voice twisting the knife deeper into me with his update.
I made the turn off the two-lane highway. I didn’t signal when I did it. I was hoping the sudden movement would have had my unwanted friend in the big rig blow past me.
“Ma’am?”
For a moment, I believed it worked. No more blinding lights. The only sound was the operator fishing for a response and the pitter patter of rain on my windshield.
My sigh of relief became a choking noise lodged inside my throat as I saw the eighteen-wheeler backing up. It didn’t turn on a dime, but he was moving fast enough.
The road up ahead winded with hairpin curves. I didn’t know how long I’d have until those lights were upon me. Till he was upon me.
The phone clicked and the call abruptly ended.
I cursed under my breath while my engine knocked like an irate person trying to beat down a door. My Subaru was rapidly approaching its limit. I had to think fast.
These were my options: I could risk speeding and hoped the engine would hold out till I made it to the house, or I could continue driving at a steady pace. If the first option proved successful, he might not see where my vehicle would vanish. If it didn’t, my car might leave me stranded. That’s assuming I didn’t wreck myself taking a turn too fast.
The other option would be safer, but I’d be visible to him. Though with some of these curves I feared if he hit me with the high beams again, I’d be at risk of crashing. Where the area of road ascended, one wrong turn would mean a long journey down.
It would mean certain death.
Taking a sharp intake of breath, I pulled out my phone and called my husband. The only answer I got was his voicemail urging me to leave a message at the tone.
“Billy, there’s a lunatic after me. I’ve called the cops. Please…please be ready. I’m only two minutes away.”
It wasn’t the most inspiring call to action. My husband wasn’t Billy Badass. He was more like Billy the Stamp Collector. Benign hobbies. Soft spoken. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Still, I was counting on his presence to deter Mr. High Beams behind me. It was a desperate ploy, but it was all I could think of on such short notice.
I made the turn into the dirt trail that led to my driveway. As I was pulling in the porch light flickered to life. Maybe. It might have been those high beams. They illuminated my cab in a flood of light once more obscuring my vision.
The door to the house opened and a figure ran out of the entryway. My husband from what I could discern of the silhouette. Our dog Jasper, a black schnauzer with more bark than bite, darted out the door. I couldn’t see the little guy, but I heard him.
I stopped the car and shoved open the door. I bolted out of the seat, nearly tripping over my own feet with my frantic departure.
Jasper started barking up a storm, even before the big rig came to a standstill.
The door of it opened and the bearded man stepped out of the vehicle.
Strangely, my dog paid the trucker little mind. Jasper’s eyes remained fixated on my Subaru. He began to snarl.
“Get away from the car,” the man bellowed. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at an angle, almost like he was aiming at my vehicle.
Was this how my life was going to end? Shot dead when I was at the finish line, where I was supposed to be safe?
My husband Billy babbled. “S-sir, please. You don’t have to do this.”
The trucker shook his head. As he did, the sound of sirens began to blare in the distance. He didn’t answer us. Instead, he lowered his gun into his holster and stood still as a statue all while my dog continued snarling and barking at our vehicle.
When the police came, guns drawn, he remained calm.
“I’m not the one you want,” he said. “The car. Search the car.”
Even to this day, I still remember in vivid detail what happened. When the police opened the rear driver door, there was a gaunt looking man back there crouched in the floorboard with a knife clenched in his hand. The wide, manic look lingering in his eyes remained far colder than the frigid winds blowing around us.
The trucker explained later that he saw the man inside my vehicle wielding the blade. He must’ve snuck inside before my shift ended. Once the driver realized what was going on, he’d tried to intervene.
Every time the person in the backseat had attempted to overpower me, to harm me, the trucker turned on his high beams. It scared my unknown passenger. The sight of the light made him hide.
The police hadn’t offered much in the way of details concerning who my stowaway was; given the six inches worth of blade he held, not much imagination was needed to map out what the strange man planned to do to me.
I learned on that cold, lonely October night to never judge a situation wholly by appearances. I was grateful to that truck driver. If it weren’t for his persistence, I would probably not be alive today to share my story.

My girlfriend and I were together for two years, part of it was long distance. We were previously good friends for 5 years, then she was the one that caught feelings and pursued me first. During our relationship she always told me things like “I’m the one”, we talked about how we would get married and grow old together, she made so many promises that she was 100% sure of me and that she’d never leave. She would say things like “we’ve known each other in every lifetime”. We got together even though I was leaving for a masters study, she said she thought she’d never do long distance again but for me it was worth it, bc she was 100% sure I’m the guy she wants. I left a week after we got together, and I was gone for about a year. During that time we visited once a month, it was always great. I eventually moved back and we spent another year together in person. I’m sorry if this post is too long.
She ended things about a month ago. During the breakup she gave me very vague answers so I couldn’t get the closure I needed. I decided to reach out a week after the breakup to ask why she did it, and what she said killed me inside.
She said that she knew we were compatible and I’m an amazing person but felt like she was settling for me, and she didn’t want to live her life like that when she thinks she can find something better. She said she believes in that soulmate connection with one person when you know deep inside you that this is “it”, and she didn’t feel like that with me, she didn’t think I was “it”. But we did say to each other during the relationship that this was “it”, she told me so many times that I’m the one, so I don’t know how a flip just switched in her brain. She also said she realized she didn’t love me in the way “real love” is, and maybe she just loved the idea of me. She said she always felt the need to be accepted and loved by people and I made her feel like that. She said when you truly love someone you’d sacrifice things for them, and she wouldn’t sacrifice things for me. She said she was forcing herself to be comfortable around me, and it wasn’t the type of comfort that it should be with “the one”.
How the fuck does it take you two years to realize you don’t love someone in the way “real love” is? Especially after all the emotional intimacy we shared. How could you be uncomfortable with me? I was her first kiss, her first hand hold, she said she was saving those things for the right person and she did them with me. Why would she feel like shes settling for me when she’s the one that pursued me first? She went all out to “get me” and be in a relationship with me. Am I really the type of guy that gets settled for? That hurts like hell. She said she was having all these thoughts during the last 4 months of the relationship. But literally a month ago, I felt that she’s been a bit cold, and I asked if everything was okay. She said “nothings wrong, I’ve been really stressed with school/work. But nothings wrong with us, maybe something’s just wrong with me with all the stress. But we’re good, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’d ever give up on us, I’d never do that. Don’t worry I still love you and I’ll always be here.” She said that word for word. So she was lying to me? Why would you lie instead of communicating openly? If she had told me she was having those thoughts it would’ve been easier for me, but she gave me that reassurance and then blindsided me a month later. I told her it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship after a while, that eventually that initial spark or honeymoon phase ends, and that’s when the real relationship starts and you work on building a life together. Love eventually becomes a choice and not just a feeling. But she said she wouldn’t lose feelings with the right person. Now I’m the wrong person when she literally told me a million times that we were always meant for each other. I told her I think she’ll end up being disappointed when she realizes there is no “one” person that gives you that magical feeling for life, you eventually reach a point where you have to choose that person everyday. Relationships are hard and most of them end up losing that initial spark, but it’s an opportunity for a new kind of love to blossom, a love based off commitment and loyalty to each other. That’s the only way a relationship can last forever. And during our relationship we even acknowledged that fact together and we told each other that if the feelings fade we will always choose each other no matter what happens. It makes no sense to me. And if she actually lost feelings and fell out of love, that’s fine. But to say she never loved me in the way “real love” is, that makes no sense to me and it’s killing me inside. Have I just been blind and stupid the entire relationship? How does it take TWO YEARS to realize that? She said to me, “maybe you can choose someone and settle for them and learn to love them, but I believe there’s one person out there that is meant for me and when I find them I will know it deep inside me.” Yea, I believed that too. I believed it because I thought it was you. Just because I chose you doesn’t mean I’m settling for you or learning to love you. I thought you were meant for me. It’s so ridiculous I don’t understand, she used to be so sure that I was the one, she knew it deep inside her that I was. And now she’s saying that when she finds it, she’ll know. Well you knew it with me and now you don’t.
Part of me understands why she lost feelings, we didn’t really have a strong base. We were together for only a week before I left for a year. I feel like it wasn’t enough time for the physical attraction to build up and to get to know each other in person. By the time we visited each other, a lot of time had passed and the spark wasn’t the same as the beginning, it was kinda awkward at first. We got into a serious committed relationship talking about future marriage, before we ever hugged each other. She was scared to kiss me, maybe that’s why she said she was forcing herself to be comfortable. But eventually we kissed and it was great. During the visits it felt like everything was going great and that our relationship was getting stronger. I didn’t think that she was uncomfortable. I feel like if we had done all the intimate things in the beginning, we would have a base to build off of and the spark would be alive.
Also I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong. I’m just certain that it’s my fault, that I made her lose attraction. Maybe I wasn’t manly enough or attractive enough. Maybe I was too boring or uninteresting or too “stable”. Being in love with someone basically means you have to be sexually attracted to them first, that’s what separates family love from romantic love. Maybe I didn’t do enough to keep her attracted to me, so she felt like she lost feelings. It was really hard with the distance. I tried, I really tried. I would always flirt and tease her, I tried not to let the relationship feel like it was a platonic friendship over time. I was always confident and “manly” with her, I stood my ground when she did things I didn’t like, I wasn’t needy. We sexted and video called all the time. I always planned amazing dates. I tried to keep the fun alive. I don’t know what else I could’ve done to keep her attracted. I truly feel like if we had been in person the whole time, it would’ve worked and she would’ve still been attracted to me. It’s just different when you’re there physically. But we both knew this, we acknowledged that it was gonna be hard and the feelings may fade, but we said we’d always choose each other no matter what. Maybe it was inevitable with the distance, but at the end she said it wasn’t because of the distance, she believes with the right person the distance wouldn’t matter. So I just wasn’t the right person for her, I was for a while, but I let her lose attraction for me. Your view on love and attraction may differ, but I learned that it’s the guy’s responsibility to keep a woman attracted, it’s about how he acts and behaves that keeps her attracted. So it’s my fault she lost attraction, it’s something I did. For example when I look back at the first visit, a mistake I made was asking to kiss her instead of just going for it. She said no, maybe because I came off as unconfident and that turned her off. I was so nervous during the first visit because there was so much expectation built up inside my head. Maybe that prevented me from being able to genuinely enjoy myself around her and attract her. Eventually though, we got comfortable with each other and we kissed and it was great. I felt the spark was there. I don’t think she met someone else, I asked her and she said no. Yea maybe she could’ve lied, but i know her and I don’t think she would do that. She said “you know me, I would never allow myself to do that while I’m in a relationship. The reasons are solely because I don’t feel in love with you anymore.”
We hit a little rut near the end because we were both very busy, but I didn’t think it was concerning because she always gave reassurance and made it seem like everything is fine. It feels like shit hearing that someone was settling for me. Why wasn’t I enough? I keep looking back and thinking what I could’ve done different to keep her attracted. I keep nitpicking at myself and feeling insecure about the way I am. She was so sure of me in the beginning so I must’ve done something along the way to make her lose feelings. She let me tear my walls down and trust her fully, then she left. It feels like I’m not worthy of love because she saw something in me and decided she didn’t want me. What hurts the most is that to me, she was “it”, to me she was the one. And she said that to me too and I believed her. I felt that she truly meant it when she said that. She would tell me she was always attracted to me and had feelings during our friendship but she “locked them in a box” because she was too afraid. She even told me that I was a walking green flag and that I was perfect and I did nothing wrong. It hurts to know she thinks that yet she still decided she didn’t want me. It kills to know that one day she’ll get married, he’ll get to hold her and kiss her and have a family, and it won’t be with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being intimate with someone else. And it’s the thought that, whoever she ends up with, will be better than me in a way. She will love him more than she loved me. He will make her feel what I couldn’t make her feel. And I’m blaming myself so much that I couldn’t make her feel like that anymore. I’m grieving the future that we both planned together. I feel so betrayed, I feel like shit. Most of all I just really miss her, we knew each other for 7 years and now we’re just strangers again.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve had a few breakups, but this one hurts the most. I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone better. I know that time heals everything but I feel like this has damaged me on a deep level, I feel like I can’t let my walls down again. I don’t want to love again and risk getting hurt. I can’t invest myself fully into someone if I’m always afraid they’re going to blindside me. I know a breakup shouldn’t define your self worth, but it’s just the idea that the person I loved doesn’t see herself spending her life with me anymore, that makes me feel really bad. It’s the thought that she saw something in me that made her decide she doesn’t love me. She analyzed our relationship and thought “I want someone better”. The thought that it’s my fault, that it’s something I did. I didn’t have enough “game”. I couldn’t keep her attraction high. I can’t stand the idea of her getting married one day and finding her “it”. Of course I want her to be happy but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t kill me inside.
Nobody is perfect but she was close to it. She’s such a rare breed, she had everything I wanted in a woman and it’s so hard to come by. I wish I had a reason to hate her but she’s genuinely an amazing person. She did nothing bad to me, we barely fought and when we did it was very gentle. Our entire relationship was pretty much perfect up until the end. I’ve never been with someone that was this compatible with me. She’s the kindest human, she’s intelligent, she’s very mature, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s very warm and gentle. And the fact that she’s such a sweet and genuine person makes it way harder. If she had cheated or something I think this would’ve been easier on me, because I’d see her as a bad person. But she’s not a bad person. It hurts way more knowing that she was feeling like she wanted to end things, but at the same time she was trying to convince herself to love me, because she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to break her promises, she was trying so hard not to, but in the end she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. Why do I have to feel like someone has to convince themselves to love me? Why does someone have to force themselves to believe I’m the one? Why can’t anyone ever just truly believe it with their entire soul, that they want to be with me. When I asked for reassurance and she told me she still loved me and would never give up, she was trying to convince herself because she didn’t want to hurt me. It was all lies. Every “I love you” in the last 4 months was a lie. I feel like such an idiot that I was sitting there for the past 4 months thinking that everything was going great. She was just faking her affection the whole time. Imagine hearing that someone was forcing themselves to love you. No one was forcing you! The exit door has always been open, no one forced her to stay, no one forced her to pursue me in the first place. I told her many times that I just want truth and transparency in our relationship, yet she hid all of those things. She said she hid them because she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me, and she was trying to make it work. But if she truly cared for me, she would know that I deserve honesty, I deserve to know the truth even if it hurts. I don’t deserve to live in a lie. If she cared for me she would let me go find someone who truly loves me, instead of just pretending to love me. By lying, she was only caring about herself, to relieve herself of the guilt. The breakup would’ve been way smoother if she just told the truth from the start, but now I feel like an idiot who sat there for 4 months thinking that everything was going well, when in reality it wasn’t.
There’s so many things I loved about her. I loved the way she cries during every movie, she thinks she’s too sensitive but I think it’s beautiful to feel your emotions that deeply. I loved the way her face lights up when she smiles. I loved how she would call me just to tell me silly little things about her day. I loved her curiosity and wonder for the universe. I loved how she would run into my arms when she saw me. She just understood me, and I understood her. I can’t hate her, I wish I could, but I just love her with all my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even when 20 years pass and I’m over this and we’re both married to other people, I will still love her and wish the best for her. I miss her so much, I miss talking to her. I know we can't be friends, but I really wish I could still have her in my life. But I shouldn't wish that I guess, because she decided she wants to live her life without me in it. I can’t believe she could decide to lose me forever when she always said she could never live without me.
The worst part is, I reacted to the break up very emotionally. I showed how hurt I was, I wrote a long paragraph, and I brought up all the promises she made. That was a mistake, it probably killed any ounce of attraction she had left. If there was any chance of her coming back or realizing it was a mistake, I destroyed that chance. I made it look like I can’t live without her. I didn’t beg for her back at all, but I kept pushing for answers and explanations. I asked her what I did wrong and stuff, and that made me look super desperate. I should’ve just accepted the break up immediately and cut off all communication. Maybe then she would’ve thought about it, she would wonder why I wasn’t upset and have second thoughts about her decision. It would make me look more attractive in her eyes. But no I ruined it forever. Now all I want to do is salvage some respect, to make her see me as a valuable person. Not as someone who can’t live without her. Deep down I really want her to have a change of heart, I want her to feel re-attracted somehow, after having some time and space away from the situation. But I ruined her image of me. Now I’m looking back and analyzing every little thing about our relationship and wondering what I should’ve done better. I realized I made a lot of mistakes, which at the time I didn’t think were mistakes, but now looking back it’s probably my fault she lost attraction. I didn’t do enough.
I told myself during the relationship that “everything is temporary, don’t get too attached, life can change at any moment”. I know those things because I’ve learned my lessons from the past, but this is still killing me. I know almost everyone has been heartbroken, I’m nothing special, every human has been through this before. I just need to hear that it wasn’t my fault or that I’ll find someone better eventually. I’m blaming myself a lot right now and I keep thinking that she wouldn’t have left if I had been attractive enough. I generally consider myself a confident person but this has set me back a lot, it’s ruining my self esteem. Maybe I have attachment issues that I need to work on. I know that time will heal this, but right now I can’t imagine myself finding someone that’s better. I feel like the idea of “the one” has been ruined for me. I want to believe it, but I don’t think I do anymore. Even if I find another person who I think is the one, there’s always the possibility that they will change their mind. There’s always a chance that all of their words and actions were just lies. A lot of people get into relationships because they love the idea of being in love, not because they are actually in love with the person.
Thank you for reading this far, I know it’s a long post. I needed somewhere to vent, I don’t have many people to talk to. When I cry, I cry alone. And during the act of crying I start to hate myself for being such a bitch. I know it’s perfectly okay to cry and feel your emotions but it’s hard to escape the conditioning that I’m used to. I have friends and family but, I can’t express my emotions the way I did in this post. People have their own lives and worries and they don’t want to deal with someone’s silly heartbreak I guess.
TL;DR - my gf and I broke up a month ago, she said she was settling for me and that I wasn’t the “one”, even though she made promises and assured me that she wouldn’t leave. I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong.

Saying that "better" jobs exist is used as a mere excuse for some people not willing to work, like at all. Since people in the West always say that, but the truth is that they DO NOT want to work or burn some sweat, workers from poorer countries immigrating to Western countries that are desperate for employment don't care if the job is manual labor or sitting in an office cubicle for a long time, as long as it gives them a stable salary, since they exchange dollars, euros or pounds back into their local currencies to send back to their loved ones back home, so they remain indifferent if they are paid small, as like any other human, you need money to survive the contemporary society.
So, to put it, there is no point for people to talk shit or berate people who work minimum wage jobs (at the end, they will waste their own time for doing that), as they also play a part on maintenance, cleaniness or customer service and relations, it'll be completely stupid to get rid of garbage collectors or cleaners for example, as who else would tidy all of the mess up either on the streets or in your office? Robots can't do literally everything for you, as some interactions require humans to be around, like lawyers or doctors, since they need HUMANS (not robots) to have a more personal or clearer interaction with other people.
How can a robot be able to read your human emotions when you are upset, can it predict or assume if you have committed a crime, or what the verdict would be before the judge announces it? Are you going to lay off all human surgeons, doctors and nurses just to replace all of it with AI and robotics? People got to understand that jobs regardless if they are manual labor or not, have a purpose in their own way. (As why else have humans evolved through out history, it started from "manual labor" so there is zero reason to despite it so much.)
You might be surprised that jobs people consider "shit" have large salaries, for this reason: "It's niche, and no one wants to do it, only those who are willing to." as they are looking for those who willing choose to work in professions people consider "shit" by the masses.There is literally no reason for people to berate or talk shit about any job regardless if it is manual labor, minimum wage, or a white collar one, since human history they existed for their purpose prior to the industrial revolution and digital age, don't forget not all jobs can be replaced by robots and AI:

• If there are no HUMAN builders, who will construct all of the property?
• If there are no HUMAN doctors or nurses, who will treat you?
• If there are no HUMAN cops, who will enforce the law and arrest people?
• If there are no HUMAN lawyers, who will repesent you in court?
• If there are no HUMAN judges and jury, who will be present in court?
• If there are no HUMAN leaders, would would be in charge?
• If there are no HUMAN armed forces, what will the military consist of?
• If there are no HUMAN teachers, who will teach the students?
• If there are no HUMAN technicians, who will fix and maintain the equipment?
• If there are no HUMAN plumbers, who will be able to sort out the piping?

For instance, if there was an employer who was like:

• I'll give you $150,000 annually if you work hard with all that labor 365 days a year.
• I'll give you $70,000 annually if you just sat inside the office all day staring at a screen.

So, which one are you tempted to take despite "manual labor" job having a higher salary by this employer, as they consider that people don't want to do it, or are looking for a specific canididate who remains indifferent to the public opinion on job seeking?

So, people would only understand if "you've been through their shoes" as saying that someone working for minimum wage or manual labor is a "inferior" person to in comparison to somebody who is employed at a white collar job with a suit and tie, is just plain stupid. It's either that:

• Those people NEVER worked in minimum wage job in their lives, so they make assumptions of it being terrible. Only people who have worked in minimum wage jobs will TRULY know and understand what it is like first hand, rather than what people generalize the definition of that word, as they have never worked in that field, so they don't really know until they step into the same shoes as people working in minimum wage to find out first hand.
• They don't know what customer service ACTUALLY means. Other than them repeating the dictionary meaning of that word, they know nothing at all about what it is like first hand to encounter customers and being the front spectable of the general public, either nice or rude.
• Raised in a upper or top class upbringing who are brainwashed to talk crap about others. As they are from a neighborhood or familial upbringing full of rich folks who are accustomed to consider the middle class as peseants.
• They have "work experience" and "studied" listed on paper, but how does it really apply IRL? I mean, make them prove they are telling thr truth from their resume by making them apply the skills they've listed in real life, eg. You listed that you've worked for a michelin star restaurant, right? Cook me something I don't regulary encounter, but it better be good and an original recipe. If they can't apply the 'skill' they listed right there, they are liars, don't hire them.

It's like saying to garbage collectors, store clerks, couriers, uber drivers, and etc. suck, if that was the case, then they'll just walk out and NEVER come back, nowadays especially with social media, they can just brag about how they are treated, it's like a cog in a machine, if they are going to find a new one, it may not be as easy once the word spreads that the companies treat them like slaves, then people would not be interested, as they want to be treated with respect, not like an animal chained to a post.
If no one replaced those who all left, overtime they'll start to lose money and the companies who employ those sectors become defunct, even for the highest paying ones that require specific skills, still need actual humans to fill in those spots, not robots. Have you ever encountered (any of) these in real life, like at all:

• Robotic doctor, nurse, or surgeron
• Robotic police officer on duty
• Robotic CEO of a [company]
• Robotic head of an [organization]
• Robotic [President] or [Prime Minister]

You can imagine what that would do to humans, as what would be the purpose of humans existing if everything was automated, machines like all technology break down, as of now, to fix and replace their physical components within a physical body, you still need a HUMAN technician. Even the female robot living in Saudi still has a HUMAN owner, as a HUMAN created her, she did not create herself.
Put it like this, if people despite minimum wage or labor jobs so much, consider these factors:

• If there were no garbage collectors, trash will just litter the streets making it dirty and smell bad
• If there were no custodians in any public facility or street, trash and debris will just remain there
• If there was no uber driver or an uber-robot (managed by humans), who will deliver your food
• If there were no bulilders or construction workers, that means land will just remain empty
• If there were no EMTs, who in the hell will operate an ambulance
• If there are no mechanics or automotive technicians, who will repair your vehicle

I just started a new leaf in the last two weeks after years of putting it off. I got a cheap no-contract gym membership, a decent pair of sneakers, and started going two days on, one day off. I only work out for an hour, an hour and a half at most This consists of 75% cardio (mostly walking and occasional jog/run intermittent), and then I do like 3 sets of 10 with light settings with the long row, tricep press, seated leg press, glute kick back, torso rotation, and rotary torso machines.
I’m sweating all the way through but I’m overweight and I’m on lithium and have PCOS and hypothyroidism. I need to lose weight, simply put. However, now I feel like I’m consistently irritated with my partner on the off days. I’m speaking my mind more and it’s starting to feel dangerous to my relationship. I’m happy after I work out but is it worth it? I don’t want to hurt my partner or become unstable and I don’t want more meds, I’m on an insane cocktail other than the lithium as it is. I stopped drinking, smoking 🍃, all of it. I just want to be healthier. At first I kept asking him if I seemed (hypo)manic and he said no, but I’m afraid I’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of disordered thinking here.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m in fight or flight because my older brother is in a bad spot (former felon with addiction relapse and is potentially losing his housing) and I’m feeling a lot of pressure to help him but I don’t have anything that’s mine due to my own episodes. I don’t have a job. I’m in school but I’m almost done and it’s so hard to find a job right now, especially if you don’t have a car and have shitty credit and all your other family members who could have co-signed with you are passed. My partner won’t share financial things like with me because of my mental health history.
I feel stuck, and scared, and alone. My brother was supposed to be the one I could fall back on, but now he’s so vulnerable and needs me, and even though I’ll do whatever it takes to responsibly help him, I can’t rely on him to help me back.
I do therapy, go to the doctor, and I wanted to exercise to get even more stable, but it feels like everything is falling apart. Why would exercise, and so little of it make it worse? How are people with bipolar supposed to be healthy?
I don’t know, thoughts are appreciated.

Here are the basics:
Room is 12’10” wide, 14’11” deep, and 9’11 floor to ceiling.
Dedicated room, so I control how dark the room is, and will be painting walls dark blue. Ceiling will remain white.
I will be sitting roughly 12’ away from screen (again, room is 14’11” deep), and the screen size I’m considering is 123” because if I go any wider I won’t have room for speakers on the side (do not want the speakers behind the screen, even though I know this is a thing for some).
Being only 12’ away, and the ceiling being fairly high, I’m trying to figure out the exact amount of black drop needed at top of the screen so the viewing area isn’t too high. If I’m not mistaken, I’ve read that in an ideal scenario my eyes should hit at around a third up from the bottom of the screen.
So, if being seated my eyes are at 50” from the floor, the 1/3 of the screen from the bottom should be roughly 50”, correct? So, if the image/viewing area is 60” high, 20” would fall below my line of sight taking the bottom of the viewing area to 30” off the ground, and then another 4” or so of masking gets us to 26” off the ground (this would mean a fairly low center channel speaker, but I can deal with that.
Now, working from the floor up, the viewing area starts at 30” off the floor, and runs 60” high, which gets us to 90” off the floor, or 7’6” from the floor to top of the viewing area.
That still leaves 2’5” to the ceiling, and I was hoping to get an in-ceiling screen (motorized, tab-tensioned).
Has anyone ordered something like this before? My main uses will be XBox gaming and watching music videos and the occasional movie. I’m considering doing this through a ceiling mounted BenQ3100i. Budget for the screen is $3,000-$5,000.
QUESTIONS:

1. For those that have done this, who would you recommend ordering from?
2. What is general time it takes from ordering to delivery?
3. For a screen at my requested size (123” with 29” black drop on top) how big would you estimate the casing to be that goes in the ceiling?

Thanks for all help and advice.
-A

extreme weight loss in a short time
preface: i gained about 60 pounds from 2020-2023. for reference i am a 20 year old, 4’11 female so i was left overweight. i know that i have always had body dysmorphia but never considered that i could have an eating disorder. i thought that my eating issues were just not extreme enough to be considered a disorder or that if i brought it up then i would just be asking for attention. i see pictures of me from years ago at 100-120lbs and cannot even imagine how at that time i thought i was fat. it makes me really upset remembering how disappointed i was with my body when now i look at those pictures and think that i was perfect.
about two years ago i started looking for treatment for ADHD, depression, and anxiety. and for the past two years psychiatrists only thought my mental health issues (not eating disorder) were due to depression and not ADHD. so i tried many ssri’s that didn’t work. i was finally diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago and got prescribed adderall. i have had an addiction to adderall for the past two years, hence why i wanted to be diagnosed with ADHD for the prescription. so having that medication solved my school and depression issues. however, now there are more problems.
today: so since i have been taking adderall for the past few months, i have not noticed any physical changes to my body. but about two weeks ago i noticed that my jeans were falling off so much that i couldn’t even wear crop tops anymore bc you would straight up be able to see my ass when i sit down. i have about 4-5 inches off of my waist on my jeans and i can’t believe i only noticed it two weeks ago. i think i was so caught up in thinking that i was fat that i just didn’t even think losing weight was a possibility. i have spent my whole life without a scale in my house bc i knew it would take over my life. now that i noticed the significant difference in the way my clothes fit me i was curious, so i bought a scale. i have lost 35 pounds since this february. i have no idea when exactly this weight loss happened but it has just been a lot more lately now that im noticing it.
basically, adderall makes me not hungry all. most days now i go without eating anything and if i do eat, it isn’t anything healthy. i don’t obsess over the food that i eat but now that i know i am losing weight i can tell that subconsciously i am deciding not to eat even when i am hungry. consciously i convince myself that i am not hungry.
i love that i am losing weight. i hate that it isn’t in a healthy way. i know it’s bad but i don’t want to stop this trend. i want to get to a healthy weight and then work to keep that weight in a healthy way.
it’s difficult because now my bosses at work are starting to notice that there may be an issue. my shifts are 12-9pm and i don’t take a break to eat or take a break in general. the other day she told me that i need to take a break to eat and i said that im okay. the next day we went to dinner after work and they ordered appetizers that i didn’t eat because i didn’t like them, not because i wasn’t hungry. she asked if i wanted any to which i said no thank you. she then tells me that im a strong girl because i can hold myself back from food lmfao. but then she asks “what have you eaten today” so i just kinda laughed a little bit and go “food” LOL. the subject changed really quick by some miracle since there were a lot of other people. i think they really only noticed that i haven’t been eating because a few days ago i forgot to take my meds which made me hungry that day. i asked to take a break to get food which was my first time doing that since i started working there in february.
i feel a lot happier knowing that i am losing weight but it scares me what i could be doing to my body. i have so many things wrong with my body that have come up the past couple of months and now i am starting to wonder if it is because i am practically starving myself. i avoid going to the doctor because i assume that the issues will go away or that i can handle them myself.
anyways, i honestly am not looking for advice, i just wanted to say it somewhere since i haven’t really told anyone how bad it really is. i know what i need to do to fix the issue and i hope to go to the doctor soon. but if you feel like you want to say something, please do:)

I I guess I'm looking for validation that this is textbook, and I am looking at this correctly. I guess that is the effect of being gaslit - you don’t know your reality is really your reality. But I am here, and asking for help, because I will need to see him for the next 12 years (our kids go to the same school). This will be in passing and at events, but I am traumatized, still recovering, and just scared. I am looking for some insights because I spent about 2 months trying to fit my story into a box of emotional and narcissistic abuse…. But it's not that....I see that now. If you are able to share tidbits of knowledge, or point me in the direction of more clarity, I would appreciate it so much. Thank you so so much.
I am going to write out the cliff notes. I imagine a lot of you can fill in the parts I leave out as from what I read on here, it’s typical.
I met him walking my kid to school. He walked the same way every day. Over time, we became friends, and I learned he was trying to leave his marriage. Once he did, the relationship happened fast – too fast. He seemed so 100 percent sure of me and it was odd. I often looked disheveled walking to school and tired….I am not sure what he saw in me. But, I felt sure of him too, but wanted to go slower. I tried to slow it down, but at the same time, didn't. I am responsible for that. I felt like a hamster on a wheel after a few weeks and was able to tell him that I need the weekdays for myself, for my work, and for my kid. He seemed to respect that.
But he often romanticized the first few weeks together....even in the last days.
Quickly, I started to notice the emotional dysregulation. There was a lot going on for him: moving out, going through the divorce, parenting, work….so I understood it. I was also still getting to know him. Then severe trauma responses and triggers started happening. They would lead to these large child-like reactions with a lot of tears and anger. I didn't understand it but knew enough to know he had trauma to work through, and perhaps was feeling it for the first time. Each time this happened, there was nothing I could say to help or get him out of it, he would blame me a lot and say I was the cause, and he expected me (without saying it) to be there for him 110% even though I couldn’t. And truthfully, I didn’t want to….I wanted him to be able to handle that for himself or realize it was an issue. I didn't have the tools to deal with it and suggested he try deeper therapy. He agreed.
When he first met with the therapist, she told him it is like a virus takes over his brain and he is convinced in those moments. That was music to my ears at the time. But that is the last time I felt that way.
After a few months of this cycle continuing, I started detoriating. First my mental health, and then my physical health. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like we couldn’t go a few days without him reacting to something small. I wrote in my journal many times “there's no amount of validation I can give this person.”
I didn't point it to excessive adoration and validation, I could not see that really, but if he texted me 5 things and I responded to all 4 logistical ones and ended with "love you too" I was chastised. If I was driving and did not respond to an “i love you,” I was called out for it. At the end of October, I told him I needed the weekend to clean my apartment. It happened to be 60 degrees that day and of course, I would have preferred to be outside, but I am an adult and could not blow off my commitment to myself to clean. That day he messaged me 18 times that me missed me. He kept inviting me out. I kept asking him to stop, because clearly I would prefer to do something else than clean, but needed to. The missing was excessive. I didn’t even know what he meant. We lived next door to eachother. That night, I had to work, and he was upset with me because to him, it was optional and I should have chose to see him.
There were so many moments when he wanted so much comfort I couldn't provide. We were both single parents. That kind of affection goes to my kid....and I couldn't give it to him in that way. He would even want the affection when he hurt me.
He would see my daughter freak out at me and then say that I don’t love her enough, and he would joke they are the same….
It wasn’t a joke?
As time went on, and his therapy went on, and he felt validated by the therapist, the blame came on more and never left. It started in August, and even when I'd get an apology, it would be for the impact (what I'm responsible for) and not his intent. He'd argue with me over seeing his intent clearly. I'd say I don't care about your intent, you're killing me. It didn’t matter, nothing did.
I never felt like we could repair any incidents. As the blame went on, I really questioned myself. I wondered if he was right. What if I don't love enough? What if I don't receive love well? I've been in therapy for 20 years and know I have limitations but I'm not an asshole…
I felt coerced a lot of the time.
I felt he wanted me to change a lot....he wanted me to be less blunt, more loving, more balanced, work less even though he was awful with money, have sex when sick, injured or mentally dead from the day, always be happy to see him, don't be affected by the trauma responses and don't try to talk to him about it, don't take space and if I do, prepare for some kind of punishment, love him and miss him endlessly, do everything together, if I am dysregulated, he wanted me to regulate with him….
I noticed I started taking precautions to keep myself dafe. I didn’t realize I was setting boundaries to prevent the abuse but I was. I’d say I was busy when I wasn’t. I wouldn’t accept or ask him to get me from the airport, knowing I would not be 100% happy after a flight and that would cause a fight (as it did). I didn’t ask for help, and when I did ask for help, I would expect the help to not happen. I did not communicate anything he did “wrong” (like, you said you would drop off quarters for laundry on monday….do you have them?)
There were a lot of moments we would have deep conversations and I felt like we were getting somewhere, that he heard me.
I'll fast forward to the end because this is already way longer than I wanted….and it’s sad that I know it could be so much longer.
In the last month, he reacted and blamed me for everything. There were at least 5 major incidents. After the last one, I told him I was done. It was really bad and left me spending $50 to uber home in the snow, when I could barley walk as is (I had a herniated disc in my back and could barley walk). That month, I lost health insurance, and after begging for time to just take care of the injury, he told me we need intensive couples counseling. I had asked to just continue our therapist until we could change. That wasn't enough. The next weekend he asked me to go to a Gottman weekend. I said I couldn't leave my kid to do that right now and needed to take care of my help.
After that snow episode, that was really bad, laced with blame in the unpacking, I said I'm done, I can't do it. I was crying uncontrollably. I was scared. I really did not know who I was speaking to. After an hour, right when I needed to leave, he snapped out of whatever mindset he was in and told me he'd do anything, that he would work on anything, to please stay. I had to go, I could not think anymore. So in desperation, the only thing I asked for was to go alone on a trip with my daughter. He was scheduled to come with us. I said I needed time just with her. He agreed.
And honestly, he held up his end of the bargain....until he didn't.
3 days before the trip everything fell apart. I worked 12 hours that day and at the end of the day, went to pour water in a cup at home. It was the only time we had together before I left for the week. He hugged me from behind while I was pouring the water (....remember herniated disc in my back). I asked him to please stop and just let me have a second to pour the water.
He said "there's no turning back from this" and got his stuff to leave. I was floored. I was so upset because I knew where this was going - the blame game. He left, wouldn't come back, and then continued to blame me for the next 2 days about how I was an asshole the days before, only spent time with him out of obligation (not true), and rewrote history. I had a stomach bug all weekend and could not eat, but still tried to hang out as much as I reasonably could, and that was not enough.
The water incident was Wednesday, Thursday he had therapy and reinforced the blame, and I ended up leaving without saying goodbye. It was a week. I wanted to believe this relationship could survive a week. But I was clear with him days before: I am working up until I need to leave Friday so I can have real time off with my kid. He was upset I did not find him to say goodbye, even though he made no attempt to make peace earlier. But of course, my fault.
That night, he claimed down. Was nice. But it was a trap. After 12 hours of him being nice in text he said he was only doing it hoping I felt remorse and realized how wrong I was. He told me over and over he wouldn't see it differently. He said he read the transcript of our texts to 2 therapists and his friends and it’s clear: I am wrong. May be important to name here that we are both in our late 30’s.
I said that I want to work this out and I'll talk when we can actually discuss it and I'm willing to hear his side but not willing to blindly take all responsibility. He nailed me on every response, telling me how wrong my response was and what I should have done differently.
I was with my kid and could not talk. When I said "why are you doing this now, you know I can’t really respond" he told me to stop avoiding.
That night, he ghosted me for the first time in the relationship and I panicked. I called him a few times. No answer.
The next day, despite him never doing that to me before, he called me controlling for calling.
At 7am the next morning he told me our relationship was over in a text. This man, who 7 days before was professing his love and understanding of me ended the engagement in a text. This of course continued with a back and forth. I asked him to please stop. To please pause and talk to me when i'm back in 5 days. He told me to fight for the relationship or it was over. I said “I am just waking up with my 7 year old, in a hotel, please stop.” I asked him to attend couples therapy in 3 days to talk this out. He said “you accept all responsibility and change your behavior or we are done.” I asked if he was willing to talk and he said the problem was my perception and that it's wrong, so unless I change we are done. I knew this wasn't ok but I was so blindsided I did not know what to do. He agreed to go to couples therapy Thursday. We barley talked. There were a few more messages of him telling me he needs to know I can live a drama free life and celebrate his love and see it all as beautiful (almost verbatim). At this point, all I wanted to do is keep the dial down. I pushed back saying, “I cannot teach my daughter that someone can just tell her that her emotions and feelings are wrong, I hope you will be willing to talk and we can get on the same page.”
He agreed to go to couples therapy, and then didn't show up. He texted me 10 minutes before saying he was not going. I begged and pleaded. But he had the couples therapist to tell me he wasn't going to go. He had her tell me. I lost it. I lost my mind. I had been reeling for days. Not sleeping. Putting on a fake smile all day with my kid while I was dying inside. Staying up late to cry, process, read, figure out wtf was going on…
I called him about 10 times and of course, he told me it was inappropriate. He then picked up and gave me 10 minutes. He again wanted me to take all responsibility for everything. I was so shaken, I just fawned. I said ok. When I'm back I hope we can talk but if you want me to accept blame for now, fine.
Everything was calmer for 2 days until we were heading back and he texted me something along the lines of "don't fool me" I was like wtf? He said "there's no turning back. There's no other chances." I was like wait what? And then it was "don't make me look like a fool" I had no idea what was going on. I was like "um what is this?" He essentially was reinforcing his stance: I am to blame for everything in the present and past. If I try to talk to him about his side I'm wrong. I need to repent and one wrong move (defined by him) is a misstep and there's no room for error (his words). I was like....I will be in a relationship based in reality, and I will own my part and parts, but i will not be in something that i'm to blame for everything. That is not healthy. I have also been in abusive relationships before.
He then stopped messaging me. Didn't care that we got into flight issues. Didn't care we made the flight back. That night he came over and was a victim. Claimed in the 5 days I was gone he found himself. That he wasn't focused at work because of me and now he is. He wanted to try to be together. I had no idea what reality I was in. We slept together. He left. And told me we'd talk the next day. All of this felt so weird but I was just hoping he would snap out of this and back to reality and we would be able to talk. But I also knew this had to end at this point.
The next day, he didn't answer me all day. This was the opposite of behavior I ever experienced from him. Did not respond to texts or pick up the phone. We had a training appointment and he had the trainer tell me he wasn't coming. I broke down in tears. I begged him to just answer a text. He didn't. He drove by me while walking the dog and did not stop. I emailed him, expressing my confusion, telling him this is not what we agreed to. He blocked me. That night I got an email from him letting me know he was moving 10 min away. He lived next door in another apt building. He actually assured me the day before he “was not going anywhere.” In that email, he listed out the calls and texts I sent and how inappropriate it was. He never said we were done. He said taking space, needing space…so in my head I was confused but see it now.
I was inconsolable. I didn’t respond.
But here is the issue I am still in: I needed to see him dropping his kid at school the next day. I will need to see him for the next 12 years unless I move.
The following Friday he stood next to me at a school event. I purposely stood in the back to have space and be able to leave if I needed to. He went next to me. When I told him he should sit, he said he didn't want to make it obvious to his ex wife. I asked him to speak that Friday. He said ok but he was moving. I cried instantly. Already? I said ok.
On Saturday am, I saw the truck pull up and left the house. I called him that Saturday. I was blocked.
The next wednesday he asked me for a series of logistics in a text. None of which I handled yet. Wanting me to cancel flights and settle up money spent together. No mention or responsibility for all the money wasted on tickets we will never use. But then…in the text, asked for my engagement ring back.
I responded to logistics. Not the ring
He then called me 3 hours later because something went really wrong in his legal case. He wanted me to understand and validate him. I did....I just turned off my feelings for a moment. At the end he said, so about the flights. Can you handle it? "If i cancel it for you and your son i also have to do it for me and my kid. It's all on the same reservation" "well if you can go and not make sexual advances on me then we can try to go together.” I was like wtf? I could not have sex for months due to my injury. But he wanted to. Was this way of setting up blame that if we DID sleep together I would be to blame? I was like “I will cancel it for all of us.”
He then ran down more logistics and I said honestly you didn't seem done. I don't understand what you're doing. He said "im done" i hung up the phone.
He asked me for the ring again that night in a text. I said no, I need time to process this.
Everything since then has been a transaction. If i have a genuine emotion, he gets upset that i have it at all. He continues to sit next to me at school events because he claims he does not want his ex-wife to think we are done (this is insane to me….). I realize now that if it is a “good” interaction he is happy. If I am sad, then it is a “bad” one.
He never told his son we broke up, and shamed me for telling my daughter.
Recently he asked me a question and I was annoyed, and he said "can you not be mad at me?" I said “no, I can't not be mad at you…”
In the last 3 months, he’s said "I don't want to confuse things" has come up a lot. I don’t know if he is saying that to me or himself.
I have been so stuck trying to understand how I could not take space at all from him, to being totally discarded. I know he went back to spending, and drinking, but I don’t think he is seeing anyone.
He only responds when he wants to. He ignores other things. I never was able to get an MRI for my back because the claim went through a DR he set up for me and he never sent me the info when I asked.
I got the money back he owed me, but still lost so much money.
He told me he missed me one time.
I don’t know who this person is.
I will have to see him for the next 12 years while the kids are in school unless I move. I am not going to move just to avoid him, but I need to heal so I can be strong enough. I don’t know if he is going to try to come back. I have been in therapy and am getting clearer about what brought me into this in the first place.
Any clarity you can help me with, on this, and what may come from here, would be really helpful. It will help me direct some of my searches and begin to piece things together to process in therapy. I have severe anxiety when I run into him at school.
I have never had to heal from something like this before. At first, I thought it was healing from a narcissistic discard….this feels like so much more.
Does it sound like he will want to come back?
Is there ever closure?