Morning sayings

Long story short and as much as it sucks to say, I haven't really experienced much of anything. I'm going to intentionally beat around the bush as to what category that "experience" falls under but I think most people should be able to figure it out lol. In other words (and if you play games), I'm a complete noob when it comes to all things girls. As for why those things haven't happened and why I want that to change.. There's a few reasons, but the main reason why I'm putting such an emphasis on this is because I'm a huge homebody and I don't go out much at all which makes it difficult to meet people. That's where Reddit comes in! The message I'm essentially trying to send is becoming physically and emotionally close with a girl is what I want the most. I want to experience it all; the laughs, excitement, curiosity, intimacy, hanging out, fun. Blame all the Disney movies I watched as a kid for that lol.
Finding someone would be a dream come true, but I'd love to find friends too if that's all you're looking for! Local or international, just let me know if that's what you want instead :) We could end up being really close friends and you'll introduce me to a friend who I end up being with? That may or may not be the plot from a romcom 🤔 So that means I definitely wouldn't be opposed to a relationship! I've obviously never been in one so I'm not exactly sure how to transition to that, haha. I totally wouldn't mind finding out, though :) Also someone to say good morning and night to, too. That would be the best even if it's incredibly cheesy.
Anyway, it could be someone with a lot of experience or someone with no experience like me, or introverted or not introverted, etc. I don't have a preference either way :) But if I were to be reaaally picky: they'd be sweet and down to earth because just cuddling on its own would be all kinds of cool. A bit about me: I'm shy, caring, kind, sweet and am normal in the weight and height categories. I want to say I'm cute in the looks department? 🙈 I'll let you decide that though lol. I think it's super fun learning about people through conversation so I'll leave the following hobbies section blank. Then again, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to give a small hint to something I love.. My username should provide clues to that! I Siriusly need to re-watch the movies again. Maybe with someone I meet through r4r?
Alright, I can't hold it in anymore. I pretty much like a little bit of everything. For example, when it comes to music, I go through Backstreet Boys phases to Disney song phases (Moana is awesome and I haven't even seen the movie 🙊) to something like Linkin Park, Paramore or 50 Cent. What I'm trying to say is I like a little bit of everything! So there's a good chance I'll like whatever you like when it comes to hobbies and interests and that means connecting with each other should be relatively natural/seamless. Or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part, haha.
I'm not the best with openers and if you're also in the same boat, then how about this: If you could have any superpower what would it be and how would you use it? Being out of this world smart like Tony Stark is an acceptable super poweanswer, by the way.
Hopefully my first impression is a good one! If anyone is even remotely interested, then just let me know and I'll get back to you asap!

So I moved from a county to another as I changed my job to a much better one March this year.
on my first day the neighbours were harassing me and knocking on my door in unreasonable hours asking me to move my car from my driveway as they have "an agreement" amongst themselves to keep my driveway for the neighbourhood bins!!
I have been shouted at and chased by one of them without considering that if there is any agreement then the landlord haven't mentioned it to me.
fast forward, I called the landlord and as he lives just down the road he showed up at my doorstep in 10 minutes.
the story begins here, he found out I have kittens (on top of the declared cats in the contract) and he went mad and started to be aggressive shouting and going mad and grabbing my 4 weeks old kittens to check if they have fleas! They shouting again then he left slamming the door behind him. Then he walked back and asked me how fast I can find another place? Then left completely.
I have CPTSD and what happened affected me badly so I sent him an email the next day stating that his behaviour made me suffer and I wouldn’t want to stay anyway after what happened and I want him to issue me the leave notice.
He then started throwing everything back on me saying that I am the one who’s requesting to leave and he wants to charge me for reletting costs nearly £500.
I moved out and hired a professional company to clean the property and claimed my full deposit back from the DPS. The landlord went mad and sent me an email requesting the reletting costs of £500 + the disposal of all the carpets of £830 + stains of the stairs of £50 + £75 as he said there’s a strong urine smell comes from behind the washing machine!! And in total he wants my full deposit and he wants me to pay the extras on top, but he’s happy to take only £700 as he thinks it’s “extremely generous of him”. He sent me the email on Friday evening and wants the response by Monday morning otherwise he’s going to take me to court for breaching the contract and threatening me of claiming more if I don’t accept his generous offer!!
What are my rights here? And what can he do?
Knowing that my carpets were on the floor not his, and I still have the receipt of the professional cleaning company and the cats were only allowed in one room not all the house! And there’s no clause for the reletting costs mentioned in the contract.
I don’t feel it’s fair to pay this much for a place I stayed in for only 3 weeks! And I mentioned before to him that I will be happy to contribute towards the reletting costs but won’t pay the whole amount as it wasn’t my decision to vacate.
Please advise me!

I (M42) and my spouse (F40)
I just had the shock of my life, and possibly the most dramatic upheaval imaginable. I'm scared, concerned and i wonder if anyone else has a similar experience. This is concerning my soon to be ex-wife. Not an easy read or even to type, but strap yourselves in. We were married for 13 years, had known each other for 23. She was a child that grew up in a war in her home country, and was effected by it more than she let on. During the last 4 years of our relationship, she started developing incredible anxiety and depression. She would become like an exposed nerve, and every perceived slight became something she would ruminate on for days at a time. We had some events in our marriage that were incredibly stressful. Our son was born prematurely, our daughter when she was born was also traumatic. She was always highly strung when i knew her. i was very much the calming influence to her and it was a role that developed in our dynamic. i would be her rock and safe place. Things started to change, and dramatically so. I travel with work and she would look after the kids. i would be home large parts of the year, but i would have to go away sometimes for 4 weeks at a time. When covid hit, we were both home for a better part of 18 months, and i started to notice things that concerned me. She began to become incredibly paranoid about neighbours. She was certain they were spyi ng on us somehow (even though they were 80, and not at all interested in us). This spiraled from the neighbours commenting on the length of our grass. It effected her, and she became fixated. Any new neighbours she instantly distrusted, and she believed they all spoke badly of her.none of it was true, but in her state of hypervigilance, she was misinterpreting signs. A strange look, or half glance was enough to make her feel unsafe and scared. This slowly devolved into her being fearful of being spied on in the shower, people who walked dogs the same time each morning past our house were doing it to spy on us, etc. I could see it was draining her, and making her very ill with stress so we discussed maybe going to therapy, which she did. During the years we were together, she had been on various anti-depressants to cope with depression. I always chalked it down to post natal depression and the stress being a mother brought to her, especially when i went away. She attended therapy, but would stop when it became uncomfortable. She then opened up to me one day regarding it. It turns out that she was molested as a child by a family friend, and had buried it. that coupled with seeing her childhood friend die from an explosion (which i knew about) had effected her more than we knew. The therapy seemed to make it worse, and since that point things took a massive nose dive. She was an incredibly bubbly, happy and cheerful person to everyone. or so i thought. She would sometimes drop the mask at home, and i could see the turmoil developing. I hate to admit it, but i was blind to it for many years. she had masked it from the very beginning. Her paranoia got worse and worse. she came off of her antidepressants and started using weed vape pens to be able to cope with the incredible anxiety. I watched her drift apart from me over the last two years, her kindness towards me vanishing and almost a resentment towards me. She would complain about the new house we had bought and that she hated it because of the neighbours. We discussed moving, but she realised in her more lucid times that the issue would follow her whereever she went. The last year together she would speak about moving to another country. I said i would, but after my parents, who are old, passed. i didn't want them to not see our children in their final years. We had grown apart, she had this strange push-pull dynamic with me. One day she'd love me and be this caring person, the next cold and distant. I tried incredibly hard to pull us back together whilst dealing with her delusions of paranoia that were still ongoing, but the more i tried (and at some points i was quite combative and forceful) to get her to communicate, the more she pulled away. There was hardly any intimacy, which i yearned for and would comment on. She would initiate it sometimes, but for me, i'm ashamed to say, i complained about it a lot. She would have sex with me on occasion, and then if we argued later say "i didn't really want sex, it was like rape". This hurt me to my core, and made me bitter about how we were. The arguments became worse and worse. She started resenting me for trapping her. That was her reality. i had trapped her in the relationship. It wasn't true, but she was upset i travelled with work and could escape when she couldn't. It was never escape for me, i travelled because i had to. Her and the kids were all i wanted to be with. Travel to me was a chore.
Slowly she withdrew more. The more i tried to help and talk, the more she withdrew. All the time she was still paranoid, and now believed the neighbours were spying on her with cameras in the garden. the "cameras" were garden lights.
After three years of constant paranoia and her anxiety, it was starting to effect me. We couldn't go out in the area as she hated the neighbours. Yet to their faces she was bubbly and happy, smiley and almost overly kind. Yet when we were alone, the mask would slip and all her thoughts about them would spill out. Our social life started to be affected,
Anything i said was misunderstood or taken in such a way that i was insulting her. If i said she was silly for thinking in a certain way, i was calling her stupid. Anytime i tried to logic something out with her regarding the neighbours (for example she believed they were watching her shower) it was dismissed. I actually showered and told her to ask if she could see me from the garden. She was confused when she saw she couldn't.
The delusions became worse, and she became more and more paranoid. The textured glass in the bathroom was the wrong way around in her eyes, so people could see in. The motion activated light at the bottom of the garden was a camera, for sure. things like this.She withdrew more and more. I had to go away on a work trip, and the day before i left she asked for a divorce. I was hurt, but said "we can talk about it when i get home" when i arrived at the destination i was working across the world, i messaged her. No response. I tried multiple times until eventually i got a text "The kids will be taken away from me, and i will be sent back to my home country" I rang my father who lived very close to us to find out what was happening.
She had asked him to take her to the police station. She said to report the neighbours for spying, which she did try to do. they obviously didn't listen. She was taken to hospital by my father as she was having a mental breakdown and behaving strangely. I told my boss i had to fly home as something was happening. he booked me the earliest flight and i flew back. I was arrested from the plane. She had accused me of Rape, Control and coercion and ABH. Things i would never do. I was arrested, questioned and told not to go back to my home or to contact her. In one day i lost everything. I was in shock and was an emotional wreck. Worst of all i was concerned and scared for my wife and kids. She blamed me for her emotional state. said i had caused everything and had abused her constantly for years. After a week of staying at my friends house, social services got involved as the kids were missing school. It turns out she was taking the kids to hotels because she was terrified of staying at home. The kids told me later that "mummy thinks men are after her" instead of telling any authorities this, she said it was because she was scared of me. Social services believed everything she said. I was under investigation for the allegations, although not charged. The investigations were ongoing for three months, and in that time i wasn't allowed to contact her at all. Unfortunately in my fear i contacted her repeatedly. She had me arrested for harassment, and i was charged and convicted. I wasn't ever abusive in the texts, but i did contact her a lot.
I secured access to my children through a rushed family court order. I also placed a block on her leaving the country without seeking my permission with the children, as she had taken my passport details to apply for the kids passports without my knowledge. I did this due to her erratic behaviour and i knew she wasn't stable. My father thought i'd over-reacted, but my ex was so good at masking she hid how she really felt even to him. Oscar level masking.
Looking back i realise how bad it was. She ran from her home country at 18 and always ran. she always wanted to move jobs if something went wrong. She would cut off long term friends in an instant if she felt any pressure form them. Her first instinct would always be to flee anything. Any littlle insignificant thing or slight would become something she'd chew over for weeks, often applying the worst case scenario that would then become her reality. The truth was she was constantly afraid. I think at the end i became something she was afraid of too. My determination to keep us together and keep her from falling apart became too much for her. I wasn't always kind and was exasperated a lot. I was too demanding on someone that was exhausted, anxious and clearly unwell. Unfortunately i didn't realise this until too late. I still see the children, but have zero contact with her. She filed a restraining order due to the harassment conviction which i will adhere to. I'm currently going through family court again to secure further rights. She applied for full custody and has said some very terrible untruthful things at court to almost destroy me and remove me from her life. I'm a broken man because of it all, but staying strong for the kids.
I hope there will be some sort of resolution in the future, but i realise that she's scared of me now as she is scared of everything. She told me near the end that she trusts nobody. This broke my heart. The court on the last visit realised that something wasn't right. they have ordered a investigation into our family, and it will hopefully be reported in June when we go back to court. Her medical documents have been re-visited and statements taken. My father witnessed some very strange behaviour and has reported it. We just have to see what happens. She has requested to sell the property we lived in, and i'm slowly watching the life we built implode. She also has asked for the order that stipulates the need for permission to leave the country lifted. June will be the crunch time.

I'm gonna be blunt, I'm miserable and seeking support. I understand this is more of a discussion sub, but please understand that I'm seeking support from other Muslims specifically and the other islam subs suck for different reasons.
I have no hope these days. Life has been one gut wrencher after another for years. I stopped being religious years ago, but came back to it in the past year or so. I believe in it deeply, but I am in agony. I really don't think I will ever truly be happy in this life. I'm not going into details because I know you won't understand and will definitely just make me feel even worse, but to say the least, following this religion necessitates giving up on the one thing that would make me happy. My life thus far has been agony and I have a daily hell to look forward to for the rest of my life so long as I follow this religion. I struggle to get out of bed every morning. It just feels like there's no point in trying to be or do anything. I have so much to do for myself, for the people who rely on me and for my duties to Allah, but I can't find the motivation anywhere to get up and keep going. The only thing tugging me along is fear of hell. I truly wish I never existed. Please just give me something. Some verse. Some wisdom. Some something. Please just give me some kind of hope.

I’m devastated. I never thought it would come this far. My husband cheated, I found out this morning. Yesterday everything was normal, we were playing a card game together and all… but this morning I found one of the cards on the ground. He says he didn’t cheat, the card just fell down and he didn’t notice, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. I think we’ll need to play another round.

everyone I just want to vent about something
I am 16 years old and after a very toxic relationship I soon became very depressed it was a very serious depressive episode I would say I was in my bed just rotting for all of October 2022 is when it started and really that depression took a while to curb and is now back from my arthritis symptoms. I had completely lost my appetite and really, I would eat nothing all day. I don’t know how I did it, I had nearly 7 seizures last year.. but I was so extremely depressed from such toxic people who were still trying to crawl back into my life. I’ve almost lost or I have lost 20 pounds in a year from the depression. I was always perfectly fine for my whole life.. I don’t know how to feel this is really hard for me mentally. I feel disabled I feel like my opportunities are reduced. I feel like as if I’m still struggling with the denial. So my parents definitely noticed my weight loss last year but didn’t really do anything to help me like take me to a doctor and I also didn’t advocate for myself as I was in so deep into my depressive episode so I can also blame myself I guess. But that’s what my problem is.. my mother blames me for my arthritis and everyone in my life is denying at the moment I think everyone is in shock as well. I got into an argument with my father a couple days about something petty and I had told him my arthritis has given me a short temper and made me an angrier person, he said you don’t have sh*t and it made me feel very invalidated and angry and I told him the first stage is denial maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words but I know he might just be in denial and hurt as well as my dad so I am not thinking about what he said too much. My symptoms really started Nov 2023 once in the morning I was brushing my hair before school and I felt a very tight pain in my wrist when I had moved my hand a certain direction because my hair is curly and needs a lot of maintenance, I knew this was a big red flag as I had never felt that before. Then the real pain started the joint pain, aching, dullness, burning, tense pain I feel deep in my bones that i know is arthritis 💔 I am so scared and worried for my future . My symptoms were the worst in winter, where my body would hurt all the time in the cold!! I dropped from 115 lb to almost 96-97 now i know I am unhealthy and doing my best to gain it back I am also 5’1. Also, whenever I move in class my body pops so extremely loud.. to have arthritis at this age in the school setting is so incredibly humiliating and confusing and difficult… I always have to crack my knuckles to ease the pressure built in them after I’m done writing, sometimes I feel the worst of all is I’ve lost my beautiful body that people used to compliment me on, I have genetic cystic acne and wear glasses so it really was the only thing that did make me feel good enough which hurts me to say. I wonder when I go to school what people think of me, I’ve even lost my best friend and friend group because I’m not beautiful like them anymore. It sounds stupid but it’s true my hair being very short due to the shrinkage in curly hair does make me look a bit ugly I have short hair now but it’s growing as i try to gain weight.. how i feel is what is the point of life if I am always suffering 💔 and why me💔 my parents can’t afford even clothes and food for me now they have to buy me medicine i don’t even think they are taking me seriously unfortunately… as the oldest daughter in an immigrant household they always expected me to know how to raise myself and now when i need them they aren’t here😔 it’s hard to write in class and even stay awake, i was always a sleepy person but arthritis is a different.. exhaustion. I feel as if there’s nothing to live for, I am emotionally drained and numbed I almost feel like I’m losing it sometimes. I wish we had a support group for very young people dealing with arthritis because I feel like my life is robbed from me but i only have myself to blame I guess 💔😔

Your birthday came and went. And I thought about you, and where we were a year ago. I just have to close my eyes and I’m right back with you in that korean restaurant on your birthday last year, sitting across from you, watching you smile through the steam off the grill, while we share a bottle of soju.
I thought of you. And I wanted to reach out but I didn't. I thought about you like I have thought about you every single day since the day you walked out the door. I think about you every morning when I wake up. At work, I think about you when my mind drifts. I think about you every night before I fall asleep. And Even when I’m asleep, I dream of you. I can’t get you out of my head. And every day, there’s a war in my mind. Between the part of me that wants you back and the part of me that realizes you aren’t good for me.
I miss you. I miss cuddling with you. I miss coming home to you, watching anime with you. I miss falling asleep beside you, or waking up to your coffee you would make me.
It takes everything in me not to reach out. And I wonder if it ever gets easier.
When your next birthday passes, will I still feel such complicated feelings toward you? Will I still worry about you and how you're doing? How many birthdays will it take before it starts getting easier to fight the inclination to reach out?
I guess that’s why I am writing to you here. In a letter I will never send. To tell you what I wish I could say, if the logical part of my brain didn’t stop me and say what a foolish thought that would be. And what I wanted to say was happy birthday.

Hiya
I have a 10month chi, she's very friendly and sweet temperament wise. I also have two kids and a push over partner, he's definitely more of the dog person but no boundaries 😮‍💨
I have a few issues I'd appreciate some advice/input on how to train her, as yesterday she escaped the house and ran in front of a car. She is SO lucky it didn't hit her. I spent 15 minutes trying to find her, and that's only because she found a dog walker who grabbed her 😮‍💨
• Doesn't eat unless it's chicken. She will starve herself for days, and then only eat chicken. Vets given advice about no longer changing her pet food in attempts to find ones she likes Previously within a week, if she even ate it, she will reject again and honestly she didn't eat much to begin with. So now it gets put out, if she doesn't eat it within 5 minutes, it's taken away. Then she waits until dinner. It's sort of solved the problem, she's at least eating half of a meal a day.
• Pees everywhere. I've had to throw out a large family rug. She's destroyed my wooden floor. Doesn't like to use puppy mats. She will go outside in the morning now, but that's only recent Banned from unsupervised upstairs as she will pee and poop everywhere. She's also pooped on the kids and my beds before; I've warned my eldest (he adores her) that he can clean it up if she does it on his again, since he wants her on his bed. It's either the kitchen wood floor (which is now all black/dark brown under the table, I wish she would use puppy mats) or living room rug.
• No call back or commands. She just about knows SIT when it suits her. She does know her name. She knows no but doesn't always listen to it, again, unless it suits her. She also knows when she's been naughty as she legs it from me to her bed 🙄 I really need this sorted, she is so fast and regularly escapes. She has a collar with name and number and address etc; but I can't run after her and she will eventually get eaten by another dog (lots of big dogs around here, I've had to lift her before! They must think she's a bunny!) or worse, if this continues.
• Eats everything on the carpet. When she does have a scrap of food, she takes it into the living room onto the carpet. At best she eats on the floor next to her bowl. I've found if i put her food outside, she eats out the bowl itself. But honestly I cannot keep cleaning my carpet of dog food as she smears it in 😭 I'm looking at another stair gate to sadly confine her to the kitchen, now.
• Jumping and biting. I get she's a puppy. But she jumps and bites my kids faces. I'm pregnant ATM and will be due soon, I don't want her accidently hurting the newborn. I don't want to end up having to get rid of her, I want to train it out of her. She doesn't always bite soft, too, she's drawn blood with myself and my youngest child. Unfortunately 🙄 my eldest and partner (and guests, sigh) find it endearing and tell me "she's just playing", and I'm trying to explain if she mauls a neighbour's kids face by accident or their child or my baby, they will soon change their tune! I had a friend in school, who's nose literally has this massive scar where her dog as a puppy, got carried away. The dog was re-homed and she has a permanent fear of dogs.
• Licking - this is just me. I hate licky dogs. We have had several dogs when I was a kid and none like this. She gets carried away and has stuck her tongue up the nose of the lot of them; she doesn't get that chance with me as I put my hand on her head but she still tries.. Kids adore it. Partner adores it 🙄 Anyway to stop her doing it? At least for me 😮‍💨
• When on a lead, there is absolutely no listening skills. She does what she wants. You can say "heel" and stop all you want, she will strangle herself silly.
• Jumping on sofa and stealing pillows, humping pillows, using sofa to launch herself onto living room table to steal food. Also uses sofa to launch into (already set up) baby cot - this certainly has to stop! I put it out already to train her "no" like I used to do with our cat. Our cats old now so he is already trained up in forbidden places etc.
😮‍💨 I've never had this issue with any dogs we had since I was a child/friends puppies. I appreciate I don't have as much time to dedicate, and will be going on maternity leave so I want to be dealing with as much of it as I can before/when baby is here.
Sorry it's so long 😮‍💨 I am just tired and it doesn't help my partner and eldest, she goes straight to them when she's naughty/not getting her way, and then I have to tell them off, too. I'm not daft, I know it's because they give in 🙄
Thank you 🙏

I slept fine, I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I don’t know why, I felt perfectly adequate all evening and then bam I cry myself to sleep. I don’t know how or why, and I didn’t even cry over anything in particular it was just any and everything. And I just kept crying and crying, like a baby. I had to switch pillows twice because I drenched it, but I got to sleep on my favourite pillow by the time I was almost asleep thankfully. I can be so picky with pillows, another thing mum tends to call me, even to this day - the princess and the pea. Or rather she likens me to her… I can’t entirely say I disagree tbh. I just like things a particular way, not all things, I can be relaxed about plenty, but there are some things I just to be just so. My pillows when I sleep for example, how the dishwasher top rack is stacked etc. Entirely inconsequential things really. But anyway. I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I woke up feeling better, still a bit sad but nothing I couldn’t ignore.
It’s now 12:58pm and I’ve done next to nothing. I’ve been watching BT, I’m not writing the name of the show because I feel like that might be search heavy at the moment? So I’ve been watching that, I’m midway through the third episode now and there are four out so far. I’ve also painted some of my lil clay things with primer. And that’s about it. I really need to clean and tidy my room but the idea of it… ugh. I don’t want to :(
I’m loving BT so much. I like the stories and characters and stuff, but I mostly love the sets and costumes. They’re just so luxuriously opulent and uggghhhhhhh I want to just stare it all. Sometimes I wish they would clear out the cast and just give us a tour of the rooms and show all the details of the gowns. But like I learned in therapy, beauty is something I value highly, not in a vain way but in the way I utterly adore beautiful things whether it be a stunningly ornate wallpaper, a sparkly bead encrusted gown or even a leaf that is the perfect shade of green. I just love it all and it brings me so much joy, more than I realised now that I’m conscious of this value of mine. But the BT house itself, particularly the drawing room ommmmgggg. The blue? I think it’s called wedgewood blue from memory, with the creamy/white detailing. And all the light streaming through. It’s so dreamy. And it makes me love my blue and white bedroom more. And the gowns!!!!!!! I wish I could roll around in them, they’re so sparkly and detailed and beyond beautiful. Particularly the ones crusted in beading and with the luxurious silks and satins and velvets and taffetas and organza and all of it. And the colours! It’s all so dreamy. I don’t overly love the style of a lot of the gowns, that sort of empire line, mainly because it only looks good on women with fewer curves and a flatter chest, they can look gorrrrrrrgeous in them. But otherwise if you have any kind of cleavage it looks so weird and bleh. I love Penelope so much, she’s always been a favourite character and she honestly deserves the very best. And Colin definitely got a glow up prior to this season. His brown coat is so delicious. I’m beginning to wonder if I should read the series…? I do love a lil historical romance. Anyway I don’t even Penelope and Colin to end up together, I mean Lord Debling is so lovely and Colin is off sleeping with hookers… like? Then again I know I am wrong in how I think and feel about all of this. I know I have expectations ghat are unfair, I mean maybe not for everyone but if I’m nothing special and therefore not enough then can I criticise. This doesn’t make sense. Anyway. Actually nevermind I just watched the fourth episode and I am very much Team Colin. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!! But now I have to wait for part two in mid June :(
I’m going to the office tomorrow. I don’t want to. But oh well. I’m going to make a concerted effort to get back in twice a week - I’ve been slack with it and it doesn’t help me become better. Leaving the house more is important, so this shall be one of the ways. I’m also going to get some new sneakers and a walking jacket so I can go for walks more regularly. I’d like to go several times a week, but I’ll work up to that. I love my walks, I love them a lot but I just get filled with every negative emotion when I go for them around my house, to the point I’ll start having tears running down my cheeks or shaky trembly hands - it’s pathetic. I think environment is everything, and purpose. When I walk pups at my parents I don’t feel these things, I’ll be a little anxy but nothing I can’t manage. But here? It’s so hard. It’s so stupid I know. But I love walking, I feel better when I do it regularly, so I shall keep forcing myself to do it until I feel okay about it. I know this is what I have to do, but the way it makes me feel inside… it never feels worth it. To be 20 minutes walk from home and feel on the verge of a panic attack is NOT a good feeling and it only makes my panic worsen. So baby steps. I’ve been considering on and off moving to a different area, I think I would feel more comfortable in other areas, I don’t know why I don’t here but I don’t. But moving elsewhere is no different to running from problems so I will sort it out here.
I broke his little bowl. I didn’t mean to :( I feel kind of upset about it, it’s been two weeks in the making with time to shape, dry, prime and I was doing a final layer of primer pre paint and my stupid finger went through the base. So I guess it would never have been a good present anyway because it broke so easily. But I bought a really pretty coloured paint because I thought he might like it and I just feel upset. I showed him it, idk why, I just messaged him a picture of it now and I already wish I hadn’t. I shouldn’t have even made anything for him in the first place, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care for homemade things - cards, presents, whatever. If he did like them he would comment on them, and he never does, so maybe it’s a good thing this broke. I just like sharing things with him, like when I draw and I like a tree I’ve drawn I want to show him, except I don’t because I’m utterly rubbish at drawing and it makes me look like a five year old. I at least appreciate his honesty, or transparency rather. It means I can understand what he does and doesn’t like. I just think his likes don’t mesh with my like of making homemade cards and presents. It’s not like I only give him that though. Anyway it doesn’t matter, plus it’s probably better for me to not share things like this given I don’t have any skill or natural talent with it. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t make you good at it.
I don’t feel so great this afternoon, mood wise.
I’ve done the absolute bare minimum with my room, and the bar was set very, very low today. I tidied the floor up a bit, I made my bed, did a lazy tidy of my vanity desk thing.. that’s about it. I’ll do more across the week.
I feel.. detached today. This afternoon, rather. I know I love my family, Andy, puppy… etc. I just can’t feel it. I know it’s all in there, but I feel detached and I can’t reach it. This isn’t unusual, I just always try to describe the feeling and always fail. I think knowing I care but not being able to feel myself care sums it up as well as I’ll ever be able to.
I found a little notebook of my early days of therapy, well with this current one, maybe not that early actually but idk. It was just me writing down who I am. The first is “I am a human” because I had to start with the basics. The last line is “I try my best to be friendly” - I think I will continue with this. No one really comments much on me so I will just write it as things feel write. From memory it was also a way to force myself to speak more kindly to myself, ie I am a woman vs I am a monster. And things like I’m generous, I love animals, I am quiet, I try to be patient, I love romance, I appreciate attention to detail, I like to care for others, I am a homebody, I love reading etc. And then scattered amongst it was some honesty, like I can be a control freak, I am quite particular about some things, I am indecisive, I am sensitive etc. And then next to I am a friend I have a question mark. But I want to continue writing these things, I think it’s helpful when I feel lost in myself to be able to read through a list of things I’ve written and be reminded. That sounds so silly to not know who you are sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so unbelievably lost and unmoored from everything, even myself. So I’ll write all the good things, and the bad. I’ll write things that I like, things that I don’t. I’ll write things I want in my life, things I feel like I should want but don’t, things I shouldn’t want but do etc etc etc. It’ll be a little tiny notebook of everything me. I wonder if sometimes it’s possible for me to get any lamer? Unlikely.
I’ve been thinking about stopping journaling here more and more. I get more out of posting it here, it feels like a release, like I’m letting all the thoughts go which is especially helpful with my negative ones, I don’t know.
It’s 5:23pm. I need to wash and blowdry my hair, as it’s still damp in the morning lately. I need to have something for dinner, I guess. I’ve been struggling with eating lately, I feel so ugly and it makes me not want to eat and then that sets off a bad string of things. I’ll have something little, vegemite toast maybe. I need to pack my bag for tomorrow. And that’s it.
I feel better after a shower and chat with Andy, I still feel not good but he perked me up on the outside. He makes me laugh so much :) It’s kind of weird to think I’ll be living long term in Australia, like I’ve always intended on living there - until my mental health and covid messed things up a little for me timeline wise. But to think I’ll maybe say Australian things…? That I’ll say thongs? And I definitely will because I cave quickly, like I was only in the UK two years and I said crisps and trainers and I still do to this day, which I’m actively trying to stop. I wonder what my accent would sound like after like ten years… I really doubt I’d ever lose my accent. It’s funny how I do probably sound a bit different when talking to him versus my mum. I just talk more softly with him, I naturally do anyway to the point I have people comment semi regularly on how soft spoken I am, but idk, I don’t even mean to speak to him a certain way, I just do? And then he hears me talking to mum and I probably sound like I’m wearing Jandals and stubbies while loading up the ute as I prepare for a tramp in the bush. Christ. I do love being from here though, in theory I would rather we live here than Australia, and never say never… but it makes more sense to be there. I don’t really have anyone here other than my parents whereas he has family and friends and his payments and all of it. I don’t really have any ties here. Anyway.
I get to spend time with him tonight :) Night night

The events from April 2023, while "A" went on vacation and the following aftermath!
1st off, the skateboard that she bought her son was brand new as she posted it in her channel. The boys saw it, spent the night at Adrielle's Mom's house. The next morning, "S" went home to grab a few things and it's pretty clear that her door was purposely left unlocked.
The part that wasn't clear was the damage that was done to the home as the video she posted only shows a broken mirror.
Now this part pissed me off when "A" decided to stay in CA an extra week after finding out her home was "ransacked" while showing no worry towards the situation. Her family cleaned up her home, while she was on vaca, as well! She didn't lift a finger to clean her place!!
Fast forward to her coming back from vacation and she says, "I can't find my period blanket" and claims Noah stole it, humiliating him on her platform, saying, "What kind of kid wants a period blanket?" (Blanket she free bled on). She egg'd on that situation and it eventually resulted in her tires being slashed!
She then shows the security camera footage of 3 kids walking down the street with only their hoodies visible, blasting Noah again as the person slashing her tires. This antagonizes him even more and her tires got slashed again.
Then she went to Noah's probation officer who also told "A" she hasn't any proof nor any reason to be speaking with her about this child.
That's when the kid threw a rock through her window and the Property Manager was pissed with Adrielle because they knew this happened because she couldn't keep her mouth shut, as i explained above. They specifically texted "A" that ended with "Do Better!"
She knows her son's Air Pods were only stolen twice and the 2nd time was due to "S" leaving them on a desk at school, which were then taken!
At no time did she ever know that both boys and girls broke into the home during her vacation. She's trying renarrate the situation to make it appear that the same kids have always been victimizing her and her son.
Plus, the girlfriend "S" dated was Noah's ex in the 1st place.
Here is the unnerving part of the situation.
"A" allows her son to spend the night with the girlfriend, while the girlfriend's parents were out of town, saying, "I trust my son with a girl alone" when he was only 12 years old! 😳

My son, who is a high school first-year student, goes to school and sleeps as usual every day. He sleeps and gets up in four to five hours. After that, he starts working normally. Takes dinner, sometimes takes a bath, sometimes cleans, washes clothes, and does similar work. But after that, I never saw him doing much schoolwork. He says, "I finished my assignment late at night,"' but I have never seen such a thing. Instead, he watches movies. He has good grades, and he manages his schoolwork well. He has always been the student of the month and has excelled in school.Then, when we get ready for bed, he starts his daily routine like it's a new day, and he walks all over the house while we sleep with the doors closed and the lights off. Going to the bathroom. Looking for food. This is a big problem for us because we are not able to sleep normally, and I also wake up. So I have no sleep there. What should I do about this, and how should I make him spend the day in the right way?
According to him, during school hours, he overworked, completed his schoolwork, and devoted time to extracurricular activities. He never comes home from school work, so he says that he works very hard at school, so I need sleep. So we're not going to bother him too much about that. We let him have a nap after school. But this has now become a huge psychological problem for him and for us because he can't sleep until 2 or 3 a.m. I am very stressed about this as a mother. Sometimes I feel like giving him a sleeping pill to get back to his normal schedule and routine. It disturbs my normal sleep every day. He gets up at one, two, three, four in the morning and walks around the house without making a sound. Not only that, he gets hungry and he looks for food. So this is a big problem for me. I am not able to sleep continuously because of him because his and my rooms are next to each other. I feel him every moment and I wake up. Because of this, I am under tremendous mental stress.Some days I do pick him up after school and take him for a walk or groceries to avoid an early nap before nighttime. But as soon as possible, when we got back home, he fell asleep. That didn't work to kill his urge to sleep because he would fall asleep as soon as we got back home. When he gets up after that, he starts working at ten o'clock in the middle of the night, as usual.If he continues to act like this, I feel he probably won't be able to maintain his normal body. Also, I think he will get sick without getting the proper rest. Please advise me about how I should help my child.

We moved into a pet-friendly apartment over three years ago. We have a large size dog and a cat.
The first night we moved in, the neighbor downstairs came upstairs to and told us a bunch of rules she wanted us to follow. She told us not to take a shower after 9pm because she could hear the water noice. She didn’t want us to walk around too much because she could hear the noise.
This woman filed her first complaint against us within the first week. We were later told by other neighbors that she was schizophrenic and filed complaints against neighbors on a daily basis. The previous tenant in my apartment was complained for using microwave (yes, the machine for heating up food) to steal her credits card information. She called the government agency to report him. The guy ended up moving to a different apartment.
This woman complained about us making noises, allowing our dog outside to bark at her, etc. which were not true. One night she brought a bag of black long hair to the manager saying my dog left the hair in her bathroom and blocked her sink. But I have a white dog! She also told people that my husband was a spy for Russia.
Anyway, the landlord still informed us whenever she complained. We were later told that this woman wasn’t even on the lease. She lived with a person together in that apartment. He didn’t add her to the lease because she might have low credit score or criminal records. The landlord basically allowed this woman who wasn’t a tenant, to harass us.
The harassment stopped after a year or so. This woman came out of her apartment to yell at us when we were going to work in the morning. I told her we would bring her to court and file a restraining order. She stopped confronting us since then.
At the end of last year, the landlord set new rules for pets. They didn’t allow dogs on the balcony without supervision. My dog used to sit on the balcony all day when we were at work. No neighbor except that woman ever complained about her barking. I noticed that my dog only barked at Amazon delivery people, other neighbors’ dogs if they got too close to our balcony, and some of the African Americans (I don’t know why). She stopped when those people walked away. No excessive barking.
Recently, another neighbor started complaining about the dog barking at her. Ever since the new rule, we stopped allowing our dog to sit on the balcony unless either of us was at home to supervise. Whenever the dog barked, we promptly stopped her and brought her back into the apartment. This morning, the landlord sent us a formal notice saying we allowed our dog on the balcony without supervision. A week ago, the landlord called my husband that someone complained about the dog on the balcony. This neighbor filed her complaint when my spouse was sitting in the living room within 5 feet away from the dog. He went out to stop the dog and brought her back to the apartment. All these happened in less than 20 seconds.
Now we realize the landlord has been targeting us because we are not the protected races. Both my spouse and I are working professionals. We are quiet. We follow the rules. We pay the rent in time. Never have parties. No music. There were tenants in this apartment not paying rent for two years and damaged their floor because they let the water run for a whole night. There was a guy sexually harassing a neighbor. Another guy was stealing people’s packages. The manager told us the landlord’s attorney advised them not to mess up with those tenants because they were African Americans. I was honestly very angry. We followed every rule and paid the money but kept getting notices from the landlord threatening to evict us. They allowed non tenant to file complaints against us and harass us, and accommodate unreasonable requests that my dog can’t sit on my balcony because they didn’t want to mess up with complainers that are African Americans.
It’s extremely frustrating at this moment. Is there a way to solve this problem? We are thinking of bringing the landlord to court, if possible, along with those people who kept filing unreasonable complaints to harass us.

TL;DR: Three cancelled my service due to a miscommunication and are charging me for the full two years. How do I avoid the charge and keep my credit report intact?
Morning folks, here is the full situation. I requested a PAC from Three and received it in an SMS with the following information: "If you switch today, the total charge you'll have to pay is £170.92. This includes any cancellation fees and your outstanding out-of-allowance charges".
I wasn't actually trying to switch provider, just to port that particular number to a different SIM, and the message doesn't actually say that using the PAC automatically cancels the entire service, so I ported the number. Three are now charging me the full £170.92, and of course they have me by the credit report. I opened a complaint to Three, and I'm getting nowhere with that. I'm now considering whether to go the ombudsman route, or make a claim in court.
I'm not au fait with credit reporting; can companies basically say what they want on credit reports? Do you just have to bend over and take it or is there any recourse for disputes? What happens when companies make egregious mistakes (which never happens of course)?
Here is the full complaint I made to Three:
I am writing to raise a new complaint.
I requested a PAC from yourselves. I received the PAC in an SMS with the following information "If you switch today, the total charge you'll have to pay is £170.92. This includes any cancellation fees and your outstanding out-of-allowance charges". This message doesn't actually say that using the PAC automatically cancels the entire service, and there's nothing in that wording that implies I consent to that cancellation and the resulting charges.
However, when the phone number was ported, the service was in fact cancelled at the aforementioned cost, which should not have happened.
There is no reason to assume that everyone who wants to move a phone number to a different provider also wishes to cancel the original service; and most phones these days have dual-SIM capability, allowing you to use phone and SMS services from one provider, and data services from a different provider. Indeed, this is exactly what I was trying to do, because Three has the cheapest unlimited data services available, but atrocious phone network service. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has wanted to do this whilst retaining a phone number for the SIM card used for phone calls, and in fact, as you can see from the following information, almost all modern phones, including all the latest Iphones and Samsung phones have dual SIM capability:
https://www.carphonewarehouse.com/mobiles/dual-sim-phones?sort=default https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_iPhone_models https://www.samsung.com/us/smartphones/dual-sim-psim-esim-phones/
If SIM service is automatically disconnected when a phone number is ported, there would be no way to do this. Considering that when any new SIM is activated, it is automatically assigned a new number, there is no reason why this shouldn't also happen when a number is ported away from a SIM, and there was nothing in the wording of the SMS above that explicitly said the service would be cancelled.
There is no reason that either restarting the service with a different number, or just waiving the illegitimate charge altogether wouldn't be possible.
As you can imagine, this unwarranted cancellation of my service was highly disruptive to both my day-to-day and working activities. I am therefore requesting either that the service I originally had be re-instated under the same terms (which is linked to a 5g router and data SIM service), or that the service remains cancelled with the cancellation fees waived. Either is fine, but it is not acceptable or reasonable for me to pay a large cancellation fee for a service that I did not request to be cancelled.
Please respond to this complaint in writing
Kind regards

1. Psalm 1: The Way of the Righteous and the Wicked

• Subject: Wisdom literature contrasting the paths of the righteous and the wicked.

1. Psalm 2: The Reign of the Lord's Anointed

• Subject: Kingship and divine authority, Messianic implications.

1. Psalm 3: Save Me, O My God

• Subject: A morning prayer for deliverance from enemies.

1. Psalm 4: Answer Me When I Call

• Subject: An evening prayer for God's favor and peace.

1. Psalm 5: Lead Me in Your Righteousness

• Subject: A morning prayer for guidance and protection.

1. Psalm 6: O Lord, Deliver My Life

• Subject: A penitential psalm seeking mercy and healing.

1. Psalm 7: In You Do I Take Refuge

• Subject: A prayer for justice and deliverance from enemies.

1. Psalm 8: God's Glory and Human Dignity

• Subject: A hymn praising God's majesty and reflecting on humanity's place in creation.

9-10. Psalm 9-10: God's Justice and the Oppression of the Poor

• Subject: A combined acrostic psalm addressing God's justice and the plight of the oppressed.

1. Psalm 11: The Lord is in His Holy Temple

• Subject: Trust in God's righteousness and protection in times of danger.

1. Psalm 12: Save, O Lord, for the godly one is gone

• Subject: A lament about the scarcity of faithful people.

1. Psalm 13: How Long, O Lord?

• Subject: A prayer for deliverance and an expression of trust.

1. Psalm 14: The Fool Says, There Is No God

• Subject: Reflection on human folly and the need for God.

1. Psalm 15: Who Shall Dwell on Your Holy Hill?

• Subject: Describing the characteristics of those who dwell with God.

1. Psalm 16: You Will Not Abandon My Soul

• Subject: Confidence in God's protection and guidance.

1. Psalm 17: In the Shadow of Your Wings

• Subject: A prayer for protection and justice against enemies.

1. Psalm 18: The Lord is My Rock and My Fortress

• Subject: A song of victory and praise for God's deliverance.

1. Psalm 19: The Law of the Lord Is Perfect

• Subject: Celebration of God's revelation through nature and the Scriptures.

1. Psalm 20: May the Lord Answer You in the Day of Trouble

• Subject: A prayer for divine assistance in times of distress.

1. Psalm 21: The King Rejoices in Your Strength, O Lord

• Subject: A royal psalm expressing confidence in God's support for the king.

1. Psalm 22: Why Have You Forsaken Me?

• Subject: A lament anticipating the suffering of the Messiah.

1. Psalm 23: The Lord Is My Shepherd

• Subject: A beloved psalm expressing trust in God's provision and guidance.

1. Psalm 24: The King of Glory

• Subject: A hymn acknowledging God's sovereignty and the call to worship.

1. Psalm 25: To You, O Lord, I Lift Up My Soul

• Subject: A prayer for guidance and deliverance.

1. Psalm 26: Vindicate Me, O Lord

• Subject: A prayer for divine judgment and examination of one's integrity.

1. Psalm 27: The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation

• Subject: An expression of confidence in God's protection and desire for His presence.

1. Psalm 28: The Lord Is My Strength and My Shield

• Subject: A plea for divine assistance and protection.

1. Psalm 29: Ascribe to the Lord Glory

• Subject: A hymn celebrating the power and majesty of God in nature.

1. Psalm 30: Joy Comes with the Morning

• Subject: A song of thanksgiving for deliverance from distress.

1. Psalm 31: In You, O Lord, Do I Take Refuge

• Subject: A prayer for refuge and deliverance from enemies.

1. Psalm 32: Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven

• Subject: A psalm of confession, forgiveness, and the joy of a cleansed heart.

1. Psalm 33: Sing to him a new song

• Subject: A hymn of praise celebrating God's creative power and faithfulness.

1. Psalm 34: I Will Bless the Lord at All Times

• Subject: A song of praise and thanksgiving for God's goodness.

1. Psalm 35: Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me

• Subject: A plea for divine intervention and justice against enemies.

1. Psalm 36: Transgression Speaks to the Wicked

• Subject: A contrast between the wickedness of humans and the steadfast love of God.

1. Psalm 37: Fret not yourself because of evildoers

• Subject: Wisdom literature advising patience, trust, and the eventual destiny of the righteous and the wicked.

Someone please put my mind at ease I’ve just descovered I’m pregnant got it comfirmed with bloods at the gp. I don’t have a midwife’s appointment till Friday and I really don’t know how far I am at a guess it would be 4-8 weeks. Yesterday I was getting really bad back ache like period pain I carry mine most of the time in my back. Anyways last night I had some spotting when I wiped nothing massive but it was there very light this morning I would say it’s a bit more like a peachy colour is this normal or is it the start of a miscarriage.

Before I go any further with this I know I have done some pretty stupid things over the years and I never really believed in the paranormal until this incident happened.
So about when me and my best friend were in highschool (year 11 to be exact) I was staying over at her place for the weekend after I had finished my work shift, it was around this time my best friend had an art project that was due soonish and she didn't have any inspiration to help her create something original. Then she came up with the idea to do a freaky photo shoot to see if that would help inspire her to create something ( and I ended up being her muse you could say) and mind you she is very much into special effects and stuff as she is a make-up artist in the making. So by the time she was finished with the make up you could say I looked like a decaying and walking corpse.
We decided to take some photos out in her backyard and then go analysis the pictures some got her attention and some didn't, so then I cleaned myself up and then we tried again, but this time an elf like character. That's when I got the "brilliant"(not so brilliant ) idea that maybe we should got to the nearby lake since there was some awesome places there that would be perfect. Mind you it was already 11:30pm at night.
The first mistake we made was actually going through with that idea at 11:30pm at night which well it was pretty stupid to begin with since will all the bad things happening around our local area ( missing people/ animals, murders etc), that alone should have been a clear indication that we shouldn't be going.
That wasn't a thought to us in the slightest,
So when my best friend drives us there and parks in the big empty car park( which was another clear indicator that we really shouldn't be there), we just sat in her car for a good minutes just discussing how the photos should be taken.....then that's when I got a chill down my spine and the sensation that we were being watched from somewhere. That feeling never left and to this day I can't believe my stupid self had just blantanly ignored that altogether. I wasn't the only one ,my best friend also got the exact same feeling I did and then we proceeded to get out of her car and start taking photos like we discussed. She has fake realistic swords and other weapons so we were using those as props and Everything was going perfectly fine (besides feeling like we were being watched).
What happened next still makes my heart stop, because the place we were at had hiking and biking trails as well as being surrounded by a woodland area. What we heard whilst in the middle of taking some more photos was the sound between a strangled and drying animal mix with a high pitch human scream and when I tell it sounded way too close comfort, I mean it sounded to close for comfort. That sound lasted for a good solid minute (just one singular sound with no breath in-between it) then it stopped and went erriely quiet. Way too quiet.
Now looking back on it, there was no sound of insects making any noise when we got out of the car and there was very certainly none after that sound. Which only means that there was a predator or something of the sorts nearby. I thought I was just hearing things or thought it possibly was just a native animal of sorts.
At this point me and best friend were starting to freak out a little bit, because then we heard the sound of sticks on ground snapping in half to the right of us near one of the hiking trails (which wasn't too far from where we were not that long ago) We tried to not panic and finish the last of the photos.(That was dumb idiotic idea know, but at this point we have made a few.)
I think I was zoning out and focusing on what she wanted me to ( for example,like hold the sword in a swinging position like you were about to slay down beast) I sensed that my best friend had stopped giving instructions and looked to her to see that she was standing and looking terrified to say the least
(This was our conversation in that moment)
Me:"uh... You good??"
My best friend:" slowly come over to me, but whatever you do. Don't .look , behind you."
When she said those words I instinctively and very stupidly looked behind me. To see that standing about a good 10 metres or so from me was a tall stocky but lean black figure that wasn't quite human nor animal from the looks of it ,but at first I thought I was a kangaroo ( yes I forgot to mention we live in Australia) with the way it was carrying itself. A very big kangaroo in this instance.
I then wished that I hadn't looked and now looked back at my best friend and now realised we needed to leave immediately. Because whatever the hell that thing behind me was, definitely wasn't friendly at all.
But we couldn't just bolt off back to the car as that would definitely cause the thing to chase down and it definitely would catch up with no trouble at all, so we had to as calmly as possible,pick up our belongings and slowly go back to the car. But since I didn't know what hell we were dealing with I didn't want to keep my back it as that would have very very stupid and I wanted to make sure it was still there. Thankfully it was but as soon as we got to her car and quickly got in(making sure the doors were locked), I look out the windshield and saw that it was no longer there.
We quickly high tailed it out of there and once back on the road, I then looked in the side mirror on my side of her car and saw the figure standing motionless in the middle of road watching us leave. That we when me and my best friend finally could process what just happened.
Then just before we got to the main road again, there was an actual kangaroo standing in the middle of the road which freaked us out more( but we didn't have a car accident from it) and went the car horn was beeped the kangaroo went on its way and so did we.
Once her place we quickly got inside and locked the doors, shut any open windows and locked as well as closed the curtains.The rest of the night and early morning we could hear scratching and tapping on the windows which we ignored and decided to go to bed.
Needlessly to say always trust your gut feeling or you may not live long enough to tell the tail.

I (19f) had intimacy for the first time on 13th of may. We used condoms . We did it 3 times and the hymen didn’t break till the last time because I didn’t bleed the first two times and the last time was a bit painful as well. I realised I bled a bit the next morning and very little the day after . My periods usually don’t come till the end of the month but today(19th may ) i felt some bleeding . I don’t have any other symptoms besides feeling hot but that could either be because I’m had slight fever or because of the weather but that was till yesterday and now I feel normal . The guy says we’ll figure something out if it’s true but I’m still scared and confused . Am I just being paranoid ? Any anything if needed . I’m Indian if it’s needed

During one of my feverish sleep sessions during the day I recalled my wife coming home. Like always she’s screaming and yelling. (This has been a problem the entire time we’ve been married) I vividly recall waking up heart racing in a panic at one of rants. She doesn’t have enough time and I never help around the house. She’s gotta pant our toddlers room, can’t get the painters tape off the walls and trim and I never do laundry. I stumble out trying to make sense of everything. The grandmas are out on the deck with the kids. She’s just standing there. Fucking tried to act all coy, “why aren’t you resting” well… I’ve got into a habit now when she starts yelling I call her out on her bullshit. (This never works well, and honestly has just lead me further and further into my personal hell.) we argue and I tell her I’m sorry I can’t do shit but I’m barely standing and about to pass out from the after effects of everything.
From there I can’t recall what happened I just know we apologized and I went back to rest. She leaves again in this time frame. I try to sleep but I’ve got some issues after the years of yelling I start feeling sick and anxious. So I force myself awake. Wonder out to the grandmas and say good morning (it was about 11 or noon I think) maybe I get really mixed up with the feverish bullshit Thursday and Friday. So I decide well I’m a shit husband and I need to do more. I stumble into the back room and start taking down all the painters tape. (Leaving the obvious take that needs to stay for second coats and all). My huge mistake… I keep standing on my tip toes to get the ceiling tape off instead of using a ladder. (I figured it probably fall) I get really light headed and fall anyway.
I pull myself up and keep going. Here is where I fucked up beyond any recognition, I just crumpled it up and threw it on the ground (yay foreshadowing). I go down start some laundry bring up the clean stuff and surprisingly the rest of Thursday and Friday go off without a hitch!! I’m so happy my wife and I are talking I didn’t sleep in it was all great. For a moment I actually didn’t feel that deep seated hatred for myself.
Saturday comes….

I just wanted to share my experience here and as I had never seen something like this and I actually had an OVERWHEMINGLY positive experience with this surgery. I realise there is luck + age(29) involved but pre-hab really paid off.
There will be a tl;dr + my final PREHAB exercises.
On march 3rd I tore my MCL (2nd degree) + ACL (full tear) + Lateral meniscus (2nd degree leision) from my MRI. I couldn’t bear any weight and upon ER visit I was given a brace.
First 30 days I wore the brace (because of the torn MCL which requires it to heal on its own) and could only put a very minimal amount of weight on my injured leg. Did that, then started PT on day 30.
Day 30 after injury - had no muscle on my leg, couldn’t bend my knee at all. Had my first PT session where they removed my brace. I started PT 3 times a week at a sports centre where they also worked with the best surgeons in my city. PT was kind of painful and started out slow but it was getting better each day. On week 2 of PT I started doing all the exercises at home on rest days, so basically I did PT 7 times per week.
Day 60 after injury - was supposed to have my surgery here but my Physio suggested to my surgeon to delay. I still went for a check up where my surgeon said he could have done the surgery that week and it was good enough but I/We declined and opted in to wait another 2 weeks of PT. At this point in time my leg was still a bit stiff but after warming up I could bend it properly. My extension was also pretty good / flat but couldn’t match my hyperextension.
Day 60 - 74 after injury - I kept going hard at PT for the last two weeks before surgery, sometimes I did PT at home twice, even went for stationary bike at the gym. At this point for the extra added two weeks, my leg actually started feeling like my own leg again. The progress, as suggested by my PT, was INSANE. Day and night difference. Some days still felt a bit stiff but I was able to lower the bicycle seat a lot, gained a bunch of muscle back, swelling in the mornings was VERY minimal. I could sleep on my side etc. I felt like a normal person again. Sure I could only walk slowly but I didn’t have ANY limp anymore, so much that car drivers would get annoyed at me at crossroads for walking slowly.
Day 75 after injury - SURGERY DAY. I went in pretty nervous but I talked to my PT who as I mentioned also worked at the clinic and was there right before my surgery. He gave me encouraging words but I was still in panic mode. My turn for surgery came, went in, had the ?partial anasthesia where you stop feeling your legs which felt super weird to me. I was still pretty nervous and kind of shivering so they asked if I wanted full anasthesia or just some sort of drugs added to my systems to relax. I said I wanted the funny thing (LOL) and sure enough, the nurse puts in the funny thing and within what felt like 30 seconds, I started laughing in my head and hearing my own voice saying funny shit like “lol finally getting surgery this shits cool haha”. It felt super weird as my anxiety disappeared within seconds. That’s when the surgeon popped in my view and told me the good news - my meniscus had healed properly (as well as the MCL) since I wore the brace for 30 days after injury and did prehab. The guys at my prehab place did tell me most times with the brace and prehab the meniscus can fix itself but I didn’t think that would be my case. So when surgeon told me I did a big thumbsup, laughed a bit and said some dumb shit like “awesome” lol. My entire 2 hour ACL surgery felt like 5 minutes after they had put in the “relax” drug. I loved it, I barely remember any of it other than seeing my leg being thrown around a bit. DEFINITELY ASK FOR THE FUNNY DRUG IT MADE ME SO CALM AND HAPPY (I never do any other drugs, rarely drink etc but this felt like getting verrrryyy tipsy right before going black out drunk usually lol). Surgery’s done, it’s a success, they send me back to my room. This place also uses drainage for 48hr so you stay in the clinic. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but I was so buzzed up with the funny things and kept telling each nurse how good the stuff they put in me was LOL. I probably still looked worried as they kept making jokes about me being very worried and how they’d take care. They kept asking me if I had any pain and that’s when I used my REDDIT KNOWLEDGE and told them my pain was 1/10 but I heard you wanna take meds preemptively as if you feel any pain - meds not gonna work. Some time passed and they gave me the hardcore painkillers in my veins. They had some “program” where they give you stuff each 4 hours. I felt NO PAIN AT ALL. My accident felt WORSE than laying in the hospital bed post op. I kept waiting for the pain to arrive but it never did.
ONE DAY POST OP - I was playing on my switch when at about 9 AM my PT storms into the room and starts telling me to quit playing lmao. He asked me if I could do a leg raise, and sure enough I could. I knew I could because while laying down I kind of kept checking my mind muscle connection and even after surgery I could still feel my muscles. He tells me to do 25 and he’ll be back later. Mind you, 25 leg raises with a drainage and a heavy-ish brace, under painkillers that were given me an hour earlier as part of the 1 per 4 hour things. But I was able to do them.
Fast forward one hour and my PT is back. He’s telling me that we’re gonna start walking. I’m happy and get up. Immedietely a bit lightheaded so I took some water and was standing up on two crutches. They had previously shown me how to use crutches at PT, so I tried to walk as fast and normal looking as possible. To my shock, 3 steps in, my PT literally laughed and KICKED THE BACK OF MY OPERATED LEG and said “go faster nothing to worry about, I don’t gave much time here lol”. The kick kinda hurt but it made me more confident walking. I did about 10-15 steps on two crutches, he told me to not lean on them but just use for balance. Did some more steps and he literally grabbed one of my crutches and ran away laughing. Told me that I only need one and sure enough - I could walk with one crutch (and the basic support brace). He then taught me how to go up and down stairs and gave me 6 exercises to do in my hospital bed. I did them and that was it. He said “no limit on walking and bear as much weight as you can”. I literally couldn’t believe it. Day ONE post op, one crutch. I had NEVER even read a story like that on this sub. Felt crazy good to know that doing the 6 weeks PT with him saved me so much trouble. As a side note, the other patients in my room, some of which with the same doctor felt TRAMENDOUS amount of pain, couldn’t sleep, kept hearing them do little screams from the pain etc. etc. etc. I was the only one who did extreme PT before surgery from my room.
Day 2 post op - had drainage AND BRACE removed and was told to only rest up to not have any more swelling (drainage is used to remove swelling basically). So I laid around in the hospital bed, got up to the toilet a few times and could only walk with one crutch no brace and that was day 2.
Day 3 post op - I went home, managed to fit in car front seat, did the exercises I was told to do and could sort of walk one crutch only to get around even tho it was not easy and felt a bit sus.
——
My FINAL PRE-OP list of PT EXERCISES in the correct order: 1. 12-15 minutes of stationary bike on the lowest possible seat where I felt no pain or light in my knee. 2. 3x15 or climbing up a stair, as high as I could. You put your injured leg on the stair, you climb up with your other leg and then put the other leg back on the ground. At this time I could do a pretty good height on this exercise and do slow negatives. The height was about 3 standart staircase steps or 3x a regular stepper. 3. 3x20 slowly walking down a stair, from as high as possible. Walking down was harder for me, so my maximum was about 2 steps high (66% of climbing). You step on the top step and use your healthy leg to touch the ground and then “jump” back up on your injured leg which never leaves the higher step. 4. 4x20 Squatting on a very low bench. Basically slowly sitting down to something as low as you can while making sure to bend your knees equally. I could do this at two steps heigh where my knees would bend quite a bit more than 90 degrees. Still felt a bit of pain here 5. Walk around for 30-60 sec instead of rest between all of these. If I had energy left, I would add in a few mins at the bike at a lower seat.
That’s it, do all of them as slowly as possible. I did these sometimes twice a day if I had the willpower and my knee felt good. Also used ice after doing them sometimes and made sure to have mind muscle connection and use my injured leg as much as possible. ——-
Tldr; DO PRE-HAB. Managed to walk one crutch only DAY ONE after ACL reconstruction with a temporary brace that was removed day two and went out of the hospital on just one crutch. Only minor pain after surgery 2/10. A bit painful to walk around and bear weight but that’s as expected. Do your prehab because others in my room couldn’t walk at all and were in agonizing pain for 3 days after surgery.
Thanks for reading, I hope this post is helpful for fellow sports lovers. I am 29 years old / 6’1 / 180 lbs, did mostly bodybuilding at the gym and bicycle.

Some back story: I'm 17, and i live in Thailand, and my boyfriend is 18, he lives in Singapore. We first met on Discord 10 months ago (though we have bumped into each other years prior). We kinda chatted around as friends for awhile, until he confessed to me that he has a crush on me, to which i kinda accepted his proposal, and now we've been together for almost 6 months now
Now, our relationship isn't exactly the best, due to the fact that i felt like he never really had the same amount of care that he had for me compared to his online friends. He would often go to his friends first, before going to me, he would always spend more time with them, having a laugh and just, kinda forget that i exist at all.
When i ask him out, he would always let me find something else for him, which is something i can't do, but something he can do for his friends, and every morning, he would always greet me later after he's done talking to his friends, even though i was already awake when he's talking to his friends
It got so bad that i once threatened to broke up with him, but then i realized that it's not something i could do, since it will only hurt both of us. That's when i decided i am going to get to the bottom of it
And now, to the title of this post's question: are people adamant about changes (to themselves) in Singapore?
I realized, i have to understand him as to why he's just, like this at all in the first place. So i asked him "why are you like this?", and he told me a sob story about how he was bullied and always constantly left out by his peers when he was much younger, and that he has an irrational fear of being left out by others, which explains why he's stuck to them in the first place
I initially went with it for awhile, then it dawns on me as to why he's so glued to his friends, to the point of him being too reliant on them
I have to do something, he can't just keep relying on them, because i was just like him 3-4 years ago, and i don't want to see him fall into the same abyss as i did
So, i had a talk with him, i told him how that kind of behaviour is only going to make him lose his friends, and that he should consider looking after himself instead of relying on his friends. He told me he understoods my intention and that he will change for the betterment of our relationship
Weeks pass by, nothing, same old behaviour
I didn't know what to say, nor tell him about it at this point, because not only do i feel like he's only making himself worse, he doesn't seem to care about himself, he just cares about others more than him. It's as if he threw out his self worth, because he told me he felt inferior to others and that he valued others more.
As evident by this behaviour: Whenever we get into an argument, he starts blaming himself first, even though it wasn't his fault in the beginning
And when he got sick last week, i told him that he should rest his body up, and what did he do instead? Stay up till 2 AM (his time) to chat with his friends
As of today that i'm writing this (14:27 PM), he's still doing what i've been trying to tell him to get rid of. I'm not jealous nor mad, just disappointed
I would like to hear other Singaporean's thought on this, and if what i said holds some truth or not. Anyways, i end here

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.