Now I have to explain this well my mom is an older sister of seven siblings with two of them being older than her . Well one of them has died as he did suicide so when my mom was like 17 she was very rich and beautiful and her family being conservative it was a kind of strict household related to fashion but other than that she was the only one studying at a prestigious school at the time so you get the idea but then my father who was extremely poor at the time and lived in Kashmir with a house of only one room for 12 people and mind you my father was also the oldest sibling so he started earning at a very young age came to the city Punjab I won't specify where to work he being a distant relative was given work at my grandpa's factory (mother's side) so my father was a really hard working man and he tried to learn everything quickly so that he could provide for his family in a better way . Then he saw my mother and always wanted to marry her (oh my god there are so many details i am missing but if you want I would explain it further just let me know) , so fast forward my father asked for my mother's hand from my grandma and promised her that he would keep her happy . My grandma was very ill at the time and my mother's sister in law was very toxic and my grandpa always favoured her instead of her own daughter as he didn't want to be a typical father in law and wanted to make her feel like a daughter so my grandma in order to protect my mother gave her hand to my father even when he had a hand disabled and with no money or background matching their own my father promised her that he would not make my mother live in the mountains and would take her out of country when he has a chance to (again many details are missing as to what abuse my father had to handle individually from when he was born) so then my mother got married to my father and then as my father didn't have any money my mother had to live for a short period of time in the poverty, dirt of Kashmir I remind you my mother is a city girl and is brought up like a flower so she has to endure and live at a place where 12 people live, eat and sleep in one room and if they have to pee they have to go in the farmlands with a jug in hand and don't even talk about the hygiene and food and she is put through it for one year after that my father went out of the country and my grandma died and this is where it all went down my mother was only told to endure all of this for just a little period of time so when my grandma died my father started to make my mother stay there with his sisters and brothers and mind you all of them being extremely abusive and manipulative. My grandma from father's side used to make my mother look like a bad guy Infront of my father and my mother being naive did not realize anything but when it is too late to mend . So back to the story my mother came back to my grandparents house in the city that is when she had my older sister my father used to send money to my mother for personal stuff but she would live at my grandparents house where all four of her sister in-laws lived and all of them were like snakes so they did many things to make my mother a bad guy and mentally abused her (if you want details I will give it to you this too long so I have to cut out so many major incidents) so at this point my mother has no hope left as her brothers and father's won't listen to her and her in laws were also the same so she was mentally abused so she tried to lay low and would beat my sister up and scold her even if she took a random piece of biscuit because again he sister in laws also had children and all of them would make a big scene out of it she couldn't even provide the things that she bought from my father'soney as it would cause a scene while they did absolutely everything to make my older sister suffer through anxiety the signs of this depression can be seen in my older sister . She was not allowed to act like a child when she was a literal 3 or 4 years child so after spending almost 4 years in this hell hole my mother insisted my father to at least send her more money so that she can rent a house so my father was still not doing well with money so he asked for some money from my grandpa as a loan and took my mother out of country with him but no no no life did not get better turns out my father barely would take enough money from his income for his own survival and used to send the rest back home as he had 12 tummies to fill ( between my second sister had also been born by this time and my father did not see her face since she was born till she was like 2 and my oldest sis being 4 when he came back to take my mother out of country) after this my mother again spent 6 years In extreme poverty and my mother's visa was also not legal at this point plus my older siblings studies were being affected for which my mother cared deeply about between my father's financial Condition had become somewhat stable in these six years and also there was extreme pressure for having a son from my mother's in laws since my parents had two girls already my mother had several miscarriages after my second sibling birth and soon after the birth of my second sibling my father became diabetic and after a year my mother became diabetic the reason of my mother's miscarriages plus the trauma after those 6 years I was born and it was again a miracle but unfortunately I was a girl but it did not affect my father at the time or maybe he pretended to (I was a very chubby baby as the nurses also called me big baby ) so back to story my mother returned back to the country for the reasons I mentioned above .she did not want to return back to the hell hole so she sold her gold jewelry to buy a plot near my grandparents house as it was on sale and then my father gradually build a magnificent house and by now my father's work escalated he became rich he brought up his 10 siblings settled them even build a big house for them to live in and married them off as well but they are lychees just sucking my father for money as i knew how they badmouthwd my Mom and us and I knew all of them even there children did not respect us or my father and they all just care for his money but my mother was ok with all of it as lomg as we lived in peace but life does not go as planned my mother and father would always get into fights and he even slapped her , there was no peace even on family function as the so called family always was the reason of the conflict . My mother's sister in law also ganged up on my mother with my mother's in laws and tried everything to destroy the relationship between my mother and father . but other than these conflicts my mother was still hanging in there and was willing to endure this for the sake of her children . Then when I was like 11 years old my mother had a heartattack and another tragedy and pain was added to the list of her painful life. After this my sister oldest sister was blasted with more responsibilities she was the one cooking washing our clothes sending usl to school and all while managing her university studies coming back home at 6 pm and doing everything.All of this but still the ship of life was cruising but then when I was 13 we got to know on one fateful night that my father had married another woman one week before we got to know so my mother packed he things up and went to her in laws to tell them about this betrayal of my father after spending 25 years of their life together and being with him through thick and thin this is what he did to her she went there with the hopes of making them question him my naive mother after all of those experiences of living hell still had hope in them . The night we got to know about it my father ran away in the hopes of coming back when the fire would cool down the next day my I'll mother spent an entire day while traveling with her sister(by the way my mother has two sisters who were too young at the time my mother married and there life has been even worse than this if you want to know let me know about it by the way my aunt's and my mother's one brother who is dead are the only good people I know In this family) so my mother went and the sight Infront was that they were celebrating my father's marriage the entire family my cousins my uncle's my aunt's everyone from my father's side they were all celebrating our demise by enjoying music and deserts and my father was also there with his wife and when they saw my mother they hid that woman and when my mother tried to pursue my father and that woman they all ganged up on her and my father's youngest sibling (brother) he hit my mother and then they just played it cool my mother returned the same night after being violated and needed no explanation that my father and her in laws all did it together it was just hidden from us . We were the fools everything hurts so bad my mother cannot do anything as we have not completed our studies and we are only girls in a conservative country but she is just living by the hope that one day we daughters would succed and they all that made my mother suffer will gar karma now I am 17 and my life is far from normal I wake up everyday and pretend everything is fine my older siblings are devastated my middle sibling wants to commit suicide but i have stopped her and convinced her not To do so while I also feel like crumbling I also wanted to do it when I was 15 and is still have an urge to do so but Allah has helped me so much . I have seen the entire world turn on me in the blink of an eye people change their faces so fast it's scary i am scared of people the suffering we endured in these 4 years is indescribable my father no longer treats me like i am a precious doll of his . He no longer loves me I see my siblings cry and I feel like their is no hope left I go out and men look at me with lust I don't go out I feel suffocated. Life has made a clown out of me. Gosh tears are streaming down my cheeks this stupid app really made me cry like a toddler I feel like a burden my mother is showing clear signs of trauma and she feels like a victim when we even make a slight mistake she no longer trusts anyone else except for us siblings her condition is getting worse she sometimes tells my siblings that they are the problem for her distress and says some nasty things which led to my sibling having suicidal thoughts but my mom is I'll her bones do not work properly she cannot walk properly she has two studs in her heart she is diabetic she has more medicine each day than food my father does not divorce my mother even when she demands it life is hell but we do have our little happy moments from time to time but they get destroyed by more and more tragic incidents Please someone tell me what do I do I feel so lost I am tired of this and life I think I have lived enough there is too much pain but Allah keeps on reminding me that there are many people out there having it much worse than us so I guess I have to hang in there until I can finally rest (there are many major incidents which I skipped in order to make it as short as possible) thank you for reading this bullshit of a lifen

Hello friends, since docs tend to brush us off without proper testing and many people forced to suffer without treatment of the root cause I thought maybe it’s will be useful to make a list of diseases/conditions which can have symptoms that docs like to call “just IBS”. Please add your thoughts and options to this list, I’m sure I forgot something! And sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my native language 🙏🏻
•IBD (Crohns, UC, microscopic colitis) - colonoscopy with biopsy, CT/MRI scans, pill cam.
•Bile acid malabsorption - stool test, which is sadly still not available in some countries☠️
•Exocrine pancreatic insufficiency - elastase stool test, blood tests (pancreatic lipase, amylase).
•Celiac disease - blood tests or biopsy taken while doing endoscopy. •SIBO - breath test.
•Intolerances (Fructose, lactose, sorbitol, sucrose, non celiac gluten hypersensitivity) -breath tests, as for non celiac gluten hypersensitivity there are no specific tests, just symptoms monitoring.
•bacterial infections - stool and blood tests, there are literal TONS of them which can be chronic.
•parasites - stool and blood tests, kinda tricky since usually can be false negative.
•endometriosis - ultrasound, CT/MRI, laparoscopy.
~Other possible causes according newer research, conditions that sadly can’t be PROPERLY tested and treated, since there are still investigations going: •Gut microbiome issues - there are scientific research which showed that gut microbiome of persons with IBS is different from healthy people that don’t have IBS. Also studies shown that healthy individuals started showing IBS symptoms after biome transplantation from IBS sufferers.
•Increased intestinal permeability (“Leaky gut”) - still unknown if it’s a cause of symptoms or their consequence.
•Mast cells activation in GI tract - there are larger quantity of mast cells in biopsies of IBS patients in comparison with healthy people, these mast cells in GI tract tend to increase visceral hypersensitivity and reactions on food. As I know mast cell quantity not checked during regular biopsy examination procedure and there are no way to tell if it is the cause, only trying antihistamines for a long course.

My family, grandparents looked after everyone and sacrificed so much but their own children ended up neglected. They suffered enormously but still continuing the family tradition of being kind and generous too. But I am not able to understand what made them to resent looking after me. They didn't treat me bad, but still I feel sad and don't know if I am even right or wrong. Not only extended families, but their extended families too were welcome to be looked after without any thoughts regarding the burden my family had to shoulder but somehow I was made to feel like that. My grandma was a good cook and with meager earning of my grandpa nearly 25 people would eat food in a day. Mind you no relatives gave anything for this though I still hear them cursing and badmouthing my family a lot.
For god's sake, I am not an extended family member but their own. Remember my grandma feeling like the sky had fallen down when her sister's granddaughter stayed in an hostel for studies and feeling very miserable and sorry for her parents. She tried to force them to make her stay in our house instead of staying alone somewhere when we are a family. It was not a problem for her, but for me. I was looking after the house and taking care of grandparents and this meant more work. That time I was very hurt...
Everyone were fed well. No one went hungry at all. Many times even to this day relatives come at breakfast lunch or evening time to save money and this is so much burdensome to me. My aunt happily does but also gets madly angry with me for not getting to work like her. Even friends of my family members were treated well. They will come to have a nice time of their lives while I hardly could ever get out of the house and enjoy. Also I never brought my friends often. I have grown up hearing financial problems and the tense periods with everyone angry and all, and I am having problems with understanding how money works.
But I don't know if I should be happy and proud with that or sad and angry?
I don't know how to set boundaries because everyone shared everything, clothes, food, etc. I am called out or humiliated by my relatives for nothing significant and this hurts.

What’s in the closet, Kirsty?
He knew I hid a secret.
I smiled, tried to look confused.
He waited, crossing his arms.
I worried that he'd already seen. He had.
What else could he think about the pile?
His wife’s a cheater. She has another life. Another husband. Children.
He’d never believe the truth: I’m not a cheater; there’s no other life; no other man; I don’t know who the children are who visit me at night.
But I did have a secret. And maybe it’s fair to say another life, even if was smaller and against my will.
I should have destroyed those frames, burned the photos within. Now it looked like I saved them, cherished them. The truth couldn’t be farther. I feared to touch anything to do with… whatever they are…with one exception.
“It started last Halloween,” I said to George, my husband, my real husband.
He stopped packing for a moment, working out the impossibility of this statement. “I’m taking the girls to my parents.” He resumed the tossing of shirts, pants, etc. into our big suitcase.
“It’s true,” I said, but weakly. The children in the picture are at least six and four respectively. They were born six months ago.
“They’re not… my kids,” I said of the boys in the photos. They’re not kids is what I almost said.
George stopped and squeezed the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. “Kirsty,” he said slowly, “there are baby pictures. I saw them.”
“That’s-”
He quickly raised his finger, exasperated, angry, done.
“The first picture is you holding a newborn, and…” He swallowed painfully, his throat gone dry. It always does when he’s upset. “And the father in that picture, with his arm around you, isn’t me.”
When I couldn't deny it, he nodded like he knew all along our marriage would end.
We were happy. We really were. George and I had managed to overcome the typical breakdown that often comes with raising children. Only since last Halloween had distance been made by me.
I should have told him as soon as it started.
“Girls!” he called as I followed him down the stairs to the front hall of our lovely home. We’d scrimped and sacrificed to buy and keep this place, our dream by the lake. He’d been so proud. I couldn’t tell him I wanted to leave the first night sleeping there.
Cara and Ella protested through play, ignoring the adults, continuing to jump on an old box they’d long since flattened. Rays from the western sun placed my daughters into an inspired, hallowed light, and I started to cry. He was going to take my babies away.
George opened the door, intending, I’m sure, to drop the suitcase in the car before returning to physically carry the girls out.
But he hesitated in the doorway.
“George?”
The suitcase fell with a solid thud on the floor. “There’s no way,” he said.
“What?”
“There’s no way,” he said, with emphasis on the last word, “you would have had time for…this…”
Not defining "this" as cheating was progress. “Yes!”
He glared, quieting my desperate enthusiasm. I wasn’t off the hook. “Tell me. The truth.”
“I can’t.”
He reached for the suitcase.
“No, not because I don’t want to,” I protested. “I don’t know what’s happening!” I sat on the carpeted steps and stared through blurred vision at my trembling hands. The shriek I’d filled the house with - “happening!” - had put a halt to the box's obliteration. Cara and Ella hesitated for a few seconds before leaping into action.
Cara, the oldest, six, punched her dad in the buttocks. “You have to be nice!”
Ella, four, sat beside me and patted my trembling hands. “It’s okay, mummy.”
Such lovely daughters. Nothing like the boys in those photos when they were this age.
George grasped Cara's wrists and gently walked her back into the house, using his foot to kick the suitcase from the swing of the front door.
"It's alright, girls," he said with weak resolve. "Go and play."
"No!" Cara shouted. She kicked at her father and he pulled her close into a bearhug. Gradually, the girls calmed and were convinced to return to the box in the front room.
"Kirsty," George said, "you have to tell me." He sat down on the step beside me. "Please." I would do anything to take away the hurt in his eyes. "Please."
"I can't. But… I can write it down. Maybe." I took out my phone. We shared Google Drive. When I made a new document, he reluctantly started his phone. The man was a dream. He watched his screen, and waited patiently for my words to appear.
Without preamble, I returned to the awful moment when it all began: a strange and disturbing dream. Words came like an infection from beneath a torn scab. The wound had been opened. Nothing could stop this now.
Sex with another man has never been a desire of mine. I love George. He loves me.
Plus, the man in my dream was a stranger, and not particularly handsome. He has a plain face set to unwavering boredom and unkempt male pattern baldness. Our dream sex felt obligatory, just something we had to do.
I awoke on the wrong side of midnight. November 1st and I was craving ice cream instead of the girls' gathered candy. The freezer left by the previous homeowners came with unopened ice cream. Freezer burned or not, I wanted some.
After retrieving a spoon from the kitchen, I intended to destroy a brick of neopolitan. He waited in his flannel pajamas, barefoot on the concrete floor. His arms were crossed.
"Cravings?" he said.
I dropped the spoon. It clattered down the basement steps. Before I could run away, he disappeared like someone had erased him from head to foot in one clean sweep.
Had to be a dream. That's what I told myself. The spoon stayed in the basement until daylight. Ghost or nightmare, there was laundry to do the next day.
I crossed the concrete floor fast and only felt safer when I'd closed the door to the more modern laundry room. Never thought builder's grade tiles and track lights would make me feel anything but sad.
His voice caught me sorting.
"Kirsty!"
I dropped the cup of detergent all over the floor.
"Shit."
I came out of the laundry room, figuring George had been looking for me in uncharacteristically rude fashion. He hated speaking between rooms. Shouting throughout the house was highly impolite. It must have been important, I figured.
As soon as I stepped onto the bare concrete, however, deep sadness, the kind that seems to physically leech the strength from your body, dominated the room.
"Hello?" I don't know why I said that. The basement is a low ceilinged rectangle. There are no hiding spots except for the laundry room I'd come from. After a deep breath, I walked briskly to the stairs.
"Any day now," a raspy voice breathed into my ear. I jolted and slipped forward, falling and clipping my chin off a step. It made my teeth click painfully. Nobody there, of course. I ran upstairs and George had gone outside with the girls to play hide and seek.
I wanted to tell him. He looked so happy. It's hard to convey in words the kind of smile he showed me through the window. Imagine contentment mixed with unreserved joy and hope. Yes, it's difficult to picture. So few of us can ever have such a moment. Sort of like finding a natural view completely untouched by humanity. Beyond rare and precious.
I’m rambling now to avoid writing about what followed. The point is I couldn’t tell him. I hoped it’d go away and stop.
But, of course, it didn’t, and things got much worse.
I awoke in a great deal of pain. Having already given birth to children, the feeling was familiar. Despite getting up and gasping, George continued to snore in our bed. He’s a deep sleeper, but a quick and early riser. I’ve never heard him complain about getting out of bed either, especially when there’s an emergency.
I might have woken him up but I was disoriented and confused. Part of me believed I was still pregnant with Ella. It wasn’t until I’d gone all the way to the kitchen to avoid waking up the girls, that my brain caught up: Girls. Plural. Ella was asleep in her bed upstairs.
“Ohhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiit.” I knew the signs of labour. This couldn’t be happening. “Ohhhhhhhhh.”
I was definitely going to wake everyone up if this continued.
My phone was upstairs by my bedside table. We don’t have a landline. I should have called 911. I should have woken up George.
Instead, I went downstairs where I could vocalize pain without disturbing anyone. Such a pathetically passive response. But that’s how I was raised. Keep it down, don't you frown.
His hands seized mine as soon as I descended the last step. Serious and bald without dignity is how to best describe his physical appearance. Cold and cruel is what he is. The lights turned off and, in the perfect darkness of the basement, he was all that I could see.
He produces a red light from his body somehow but his touch is literally frosty.
"Kristy, it's time," he said. No joy there. Just straight facts. Something was coming. I was going to give birth to it. In the dull red glow of his being, the first boy came.
"His name is Hadad," the man said, placing a large, infant boy with a lot of hair and, I swear, a hint of beard, on the bare concrete. Hadad looked like a three month old they use as newborns on TV. He didn't cry. He hardly seemed to breathe as his dark eyes roamed the darkness. His light resembled the man's, a less intense red.
I felt another contraction, and winced.
"She comes next," the man said.
I felt so weak. "Who are you?" I asked him.
At last, he smiled and I wished he hadn't. It made me feel small, insignificant, and beneath his concern. "You know who I am," he said. "I'm your husband."
Pain wracked my entire body. Something didn't feel right. The birth of Cara and Ella had been without difficulty.
"Push," my "husband" ordered. "She is upset with you, and will kill you if you don't get her out now."
"It has to be a nightmare," I told him. Sweat poured in streams down my face. The unborn "she" in question writhed and damaged my insides. I screamed. I couldn't help it.
"Push!"
I obeyed and the second boy spilled onto the bare concrete, coated in blood and dust.
"It's a boy," I said.
The man looked displeased. "The body is male. She is Hebat. No wonder she is angry." Like the other infant, Hebat appeared aware of her surroundings and had far too much motor control for a newborn. The light pouring from her body was dull silver. Her eye sockets were two pits of concentrated despair. I had to look away.
The babies were pressed into my arms.
The man stretched out beside me. "Open your eyes and smile." I resisted. "Do it. Now." What choice did I have? The flash from his cell blinded me. They were all gone by the time my sight recovered. Only the sweat remained as evidence of the ordeal.
It had to have been a hallucination. Some very bad food poisoning maybe. The source could be as simple as an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. I had been stress eating since we'd moved in. I stood up and took some comfort in a Charles Dickens' reference.
"More of gravy than of grave about you," I said. My words seemed consumed by the dreadful weight of the air. "Whatever you are."
Whatever you are: something bad in any case. At best, I'd hallucinated prolonged and traumatic labour and needed medical attention. Yet, when I limped up the basement stairs, all thoughts of waking George vanished. There on the kitchen island sat a propped frame containing the photograph taken only moments ago.
The man looked happy. Only Hadad appeared in this picture, which meant another one was somewhere. I didn't panic. I worried more about what George would think if he saw the photos. I had to find them all.
Hebat and his father and I were mounted in a dark wood frame by the master bedroom. It'd be the first thing anyone saw if they woke up. I plucked it off the wall and, together with the first photo, tucked it under some blankets in the dresser we'd shoved in the small walk-in closet.
You might not believe this, but I went straight to sleep after. I climbed under the blanket in my sweaty pajamas, shut my eyes, and didn't have enough time to deny what had happened. I was unconscious until morning.
George placed a coffee on my nightstand. That's what I remember. He rubbed my feet while I slowly awoke. The girls were watching TV downstairs, munching on apple slices. There was forty minutes still before we had to seriously consider getting ready to take Cara to school.
George would drop her off on his way to work downtown. He chose his hours and always chose convenience for his wife and kids. Ella and I planned to spend the morning gardening. Then we would nap much of the afternoon away until George and Cara returned. A life so perfect is so very rare.
I didn't want to spoil things with a very convincing nightmare. Besides, I felt fine. Not so good that I wanted to look in the dresser to see if those photos really were there, but not ill. So I remained silent again.
November started fine. Idyllic days and nights filled with laughter and joy and television. Just as I started to believe in the dream we'd made, they came again.
The wail of a child's hunger is a powerful call for a parent. When it's a chorus, even of two, it cannot be ignored. Only I awoke to Hadad and Hebat's cries for their "mother" from the basement.
Half asleep, I drifted into the kitchen and searched for their milk bottles. When no bottles could be found, I remembered they were newborns. Milk swelled in my breasts and made my nipples ache. Just like when Cara or Ella would awaken in the night. It was a relief to feed them.
But what the fuck was I doing?
I was acting like the man in the basement and the devil babies were mine. It'd been less than a week since Halloween and that horrible nightmare illusion. I had already taken on the beleaguered newborn mother role without question.
Their cries intensified and flayed the weak resistance of exhausted reasoning.
Don't wake George. Don't wake my babies, my real babies.
"What took you so long?" the man critized, his voice monotone, the question unrhetorical.
"I… was sleeping. I went to the fridge first." Under his severe gaze, I stopped in the midst of the dark room. Hadad had quieted. Hebat cooed as if laughing at her own joke. I couldn't see them because the lights were off. They liked the dark better. Somehow I knew that about them and him.
"You should sleep down here," he said. "A mother should always be close to her babies."
The statement was nonsense but not altogether wrong. I wanted to be close to my babies, the daughters sleeping in bliss upstairs, away from the evil fermentation in the basement.
"Kirsty," he said. "Are you listening?" His hand touched the small of my back. The gentleness surprised me. I squawked and flinched away. "What’s wrong with you? They're hungry." He pressed on my shoulders until I sat on the cold floor.
They came from the shadows, already walking. I wanted to go, but I knew he wouldn't allow it. He pulled my cat t-shirt off over my head and their fierce mouths suckled, relieving the pressure of excess breast milk quickly. It felt physically good and psychologically alien.
I looked down at them once and immediately regretted it. Their emanated light had intensified to a point where perception of them hurt.
Each time I blinked my eyes were drawn to some isolated part of their bodies. The vision got closer to the point of disgust. Everything is gross if you're close enough. There is no beauty under a microscope. If you think there is then you're not using the right magnification.
Hebat's eye drew me in. At first, I saw the dark sphere, and then the strands of her eyelashes. Her gravity kept pulling until the creatures that live in eyelashes were revealed: Demodex folliculorum. I looked the microscopic horrors up.
The babies had more parasites than any child should. They wanted to show me and could somehow do so.
I asked him about it. "Why are they showing me these worms?"
He smiled, contemptuously as usual. "Trying to impress mother. Neither of them understand your horror and insignificance. You are the ant who knows they're an ant. Lucky you. They think you will be proud of the life their corporeal forms produce and host. Give them a few hours. It will pass."
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I'm not sure what you mean. We're married. Now, prepare to smile." His cell reappeared and I noted the lack of features; it might have been a singed rectangle of spent firewood. He frowned when I failed to smile. "Smile, Kirsty. These are your children."
I managed to stave off the tears and hold the babies close. The smile was more difficult. In the inevitable aftermath of their sudden disappearance, the frames depicted an exhausted, wrinkly woman smiling painfully. It took a second to recognize myself.
The things in the basement sapped my strength. I looked dehydrated, beleaguered. The scale in the bathroom said I'd dropped six pounds. I'd weighed myself the morning before.
"Whoa, you've lost weight," George noted, thinking I'd be pleased. "This place has been so good for us, eh?'
To produce another smile proved as draining as the previous night. "Y-yes," I stuttered too late for him to ignore.
"Hey," he said, touching my forearm.
I flinched.
"Whoa, you okay? What's wrong?"
I should have told him. "Nothing. Bad sleep. A nightmare. I'll be fine."
A lie is an agreement. George wanted to agree, I think. He wanted life to be fine because he was happy for once. We struggled so hard before we came to Bridal Veil Lake. It was supposed to be our dream.
Guilty if I told him the truth. Guilty because I didn't. I began to resent his happiness, though he had done nothing but be the wonderful man he'd always been.
To Cara and Ella I became a body in motion, No brain left to guide them away from harm or answer their questions about nature and the universe.
"I don't know." That's what I told them often.
So they began to treat me like a kind of butler.
"Can I have some juice, please?"
"Sure, sweetheart."
"Mommy, can I have a snack?"
"Of course." And I'd run off to fetch it.
"Cookies."
"Yes, dear."
When Christmas came, I had two and they induced the same level of joy. Visiting the basement to feed and nurture Hebat and Hadad became a nightly occurrence. I'd learned to awaken, if I could get to sleep at all, and go quietly.
He berated me severely if I missed a night, and there were subtle threats made casually.
"I may have to squash you yet," he said, his tone as deep and cold as always.
"It won't happen again," I promised. "They’re getting big." In fact, they were no longer infants. Both had grown to the approximate age of six or seven in a few months. Still, they never spoke. Their dark eyes watched me as they ate food from the kitchen upstairs, food I'd hidden from my family.
"More meat," the man demanded.
"Of course." And I ran to the freezer and gave them frozen sausages in the package. They never complained or demanded the food be prepared a different way. No objections from my "husband" either.
Hebat tore the styrofoam and plastic wrap away and flattened the row of sausages stuck together between powerful molars. Hadad contented itself with licking them like a popsicle.
I'd stay until the photo. Then they'd release me by vanishing. Always with an exhausted breath, I'd trudge up the stairs and search for the frames and hide them in the same place.
They only smiled in the pictures. At no other time did they express any kind of emotion unless indifference counts.
My own children and husband weren't doing much better. Their concerns about my fatigue and ruminating slowly ceased as I repeated the excuse: I’m just tired. It'll pass.
Of course, I did not know when the nightmare would stop.
"When will it end?" I asked him one night, while Hebat and Hadad exercised like they had a mission.
"What do you mean?" he said.
I was surprised he answered. He usually didn't. "This. This. When can I go back to normal and not come down every night? I'm so very tired."
He frowned and I thought some punishment must be coming. Instead, he looked more confused. "I don't understand. You aren't happy? Your children grow into power and strength and will take their place in the world. They will be great and you - you, of all the tiny things, made that happen. Ask yourself what you want out of life, and see if Hebat and Haddad aren't your answer."
Too many words, all at once, for an exhausted mother. I didn't speak for the rest of the night. The infernal trio vanished, and the latter moments of the ritual I carried out with his challenge in mind.
I want my children to be strong, happy, and safe.
"Juice," Cara demanded the next morning, a Saturday, while she watched cartoons.
"Get it yourself!" I hissed, from tired to angry in a second.
"But I can't," Cara accurately pointed out. She didn't look away from the TV. Looking at me wasn't safe, and she knew it. Her and Ella held hands and sat a little straighter. It broke my heart. What had I done?
George came downstairs, attracted by my shouting. "What’s going on?"
Empathy became sadness, and the constant burden rekindled to anger swiftly. "Just children treating me like a servant."
He smiled. "Ah, yes, and how are the royal princesses this morning?"
His levity irked me. "You would know if you didn't sleep in so much."
The smile vanished from his face, and instead of the fight I seemed to want, he mumbled a quiet apology and joined the girls. They climbed onto him as he wrapped them into a cuddle.
"What are we watching?" George restarted his smile, his calm, for the girls. I hated myself. It had to end. Tonight.
After another dreary day of going through the motions, and the girls and George had fallen asleep, I went to the kitchen and chose the knife I thought sharpest.
"Kirsty," he said, his voice a whisper rising from the depths of the house.
"Coming," I whispered back.
"Mom," said another voice, a girl's, and I knew that Hebat had, at last, found herself and the wholeness of her being had been corrected.
I started to cry. I went downstairs and there she was with her brother and her father. He looked tired but some of the grimness had cracked to allow the first real contentment I've ever seen him express.
"Is that for the cake?" he asked. "We already have one."
I remembered the sharp knife. "Meat," I said. "There’s ham in the freezer."
He nodded, seeming to accept the answer.
"Mom," Hebat said, "Do you think I'm…" She gestured to herself, her face, and her body, and I understood the question, born from doubt and a desire to be validated.
I pulled her close. "You are the most beautiful girl in the whole world." We cried together. Hadad cut into a poorly made, asymmetrical cake by the light of his aura. No one cared that he did so on the floor. I brought out the ham from the fridge and we ate slices with our hands.
"It's almost done," he said. "They’re nearly grown. They are strong, and they are happy. You've done a good job, Kirsty." He watched our children fight to smear icing on each other's faces. "I'm sorry if I was mean. Or cold. I've never done this before." And he meant raising children. "It was the hardest, scariest thing anyone can try. I shouldn't have blamed you for… Hebat… It wasn't your fault."
Before I could pat his hand, he and the kids vanished. Darkness so familiar couldn't extinguish a new fear. I went upstairs and found the last frame. I held my daughter in the photo, my beautiful Hebat. He must have taken the photo without my notice.
I took it upstairs but couldn't bring myself to hide it.
I didn't see that one, George wrote into the document.
I forgot he was watching.
He typed again: Are you saying there is something in the basement?
Yes, I replied.
He stirred in the living room. I hadn't moved from the stairs, but I could tell by his stomping how angry he'd become. All of his negative, violent traits he saved for those in the world who would harm his family. George the Protector was fearsome to behold.
But he had no chance against my other husband.
"Come out! Come out you coward!" George bellowed. At first, nothing happened. The moment before calamity, even when the specific consequences aren't known, is still in slow motion. He carried on shouting. The girls rushed into the hall and didn’t hesitate to investigate.
"No!" I shouted. "Cara! Ella!"
Their feet padded down the steps. A violent commotion followed, screams and raging voices, both deep and childishly shrill.
The most unsettling quiet followed.
I chewed through the fear and the horror tearing me apart and finally moved.
No evidence of violence could be seen from the top of the stairs. The concrete looked bare and dusty and the light revealed nothing more. They were gone, all of them.
"Hebat," I whispered. "Cara? George?"
Him, I thought of, the nameless husband and felt no hint of his presence. He'd always been there. I know that now. It had nothing to do with the house. His absence was felt more than his insidious presence. Yet, I felt no relief. George and the girls were gone. I sat on the floor and cried for all my missing children.
When I finally emerged from the basement, the whole house had been filled with night. Their photos were everywhere. The others were upstairs. I gathered them on the kitchen island. How could I explain any of this to the police?
I needed help. I called my parents. It took twenty minutes before my father picked up.
"Kirsty? What's wrong?"
"Dad," I whimpered. "George is gone. Cara. Ella."
"What? What did you say?"
"They’re gone, dad. George. The girls are gone."
I heard his bed springs protest as he rolled out of bed. My mom said something I couldn't hear, and he shushed her.
"Kirsty," he said, "are you alright? Are you hurt? Are you in danger?"
Why was it so hard to understand? "Dad. George is gone."
"Kirsty, who the hell is George?"
It was my turn to be confused. "He's my- you know him. My husband…"
"Kirsty," he said very slowly, "are you on drugs? Did you take something?"
"No. Are you?"
"Excuse me?"
I hung up.
I have their photos. I have all of their photos. That's what I brought to George's parents before the sun rose. They wouldn't open the door and spoke to me through an intercom.
"George is gone," I said.
"We'll call the police."
"This is your son. These are your granddaughters."
I heard my mother-in-law say, "Who is she?"
"We don't have a son," my father-in-law said. "Go away."
I left.
Back to the house. Our dream sat empty and I live there, but none of the people in my family photos are my family.
I remember but the world never does. My parents think I'm ill and that I used AI to create the family I apparently never had.
How did I buy the house without a job or income? With deep concern for my mental health, they showed me a news story. I had won the lottery the day I turned eighteen.
His influence there, payment for services rendered.
A lie is an agreement.
What had I agreed to? I'm afraid I know the answer: I never wanted a family.
God help me. God help them.
I don't know what to do with these pictures.

To start off this all started after my mom and dad got married they have a bad relationship with my dad’s parents with personal matters I won’t share so for context they never treated my dad right and my dad has two sisters I don’t know their ages. But my dad was abused and tormented in their house and at 13 they kicked me dad out so my dad went and lived with relatives till he met my mom (F 38) and my dad (M 41) went no contact with his parents and siblings now to describe them. My dad’s older sister is a few years older than him but I don’t know about his other sister she must be younger than him so my dad’s older sister has problem with having children for quite a few years but she is bitch so bitchy so bitchy I can’t describe it. And my dad’s other sister well she is a bit crazy she was normal but she kinda lost half her mind but she stays a bit normal most of the time. Now my parents are highly and I mean very religious being from an Indian household and when my mom was pregnant with me my dad’s father let’s call him pp. So pp told my mom that she would get a miscarriage become infertile and become childless as well as some swear words so my parents think now her daughter can’t have children and god is watching them. They also told my mom when she was pregnant with my little brother that she would loose her mind and they also tried well something I can’t really say here but you get it something serious when my mom was prego with me my brother I think or it was me but the maid who worked at our house saved her on time. So you get it it’s pretty bad well for personal matters again. My dad had to sadly get in contact. Well my dad never got the love he needed and those motherfucking bastards manipulated him and my dad took my little brother there but me and my mom hate them so we didn’t really react much but my brother has changed after going there always talking about them he has become so extra annoying to be near. He shows me the middle finger called me bad names and you know hit me and stuff. Well my mom always stopped him but I didn’t lay hands on him because then I would get scolded so much. And other then all that once my mom didn’t come with us and my brother said he wanted to go so my father took us there and forced me to go too there well my mom is obese not saying it in a bad way but my mom and dad have a bunch of health problems and stress and after my mom gave birth to me and my brother she became like that so the audacity of those motherfucking bastards and good for nothing retarted shits always messed with me and my mom when my dad wasn’t there so they went as far as to comment about my mom’s mother who is dead and I loved my grandmother and I don’t even count them as related to me anymore and I always say I only have one pair of grandparents (my mom’s parents) they commented on my body my mothers and my grandma as well as my aunt (masi) as we call our mom’s sister in India. I won’t say what they said because it is beyond vile and I actually cried and I’m in my teenage years so I’m already very very insecure so I starved myself for 3 days and only ate one meal for a week then I told my mom and my parents had a big fight and my grandma always took care of my dad like her own son but when I told my dad what happened he told me to shut up and suck it up and that they were just telling me what to do to be “healthy” that’s when my mom lost it when I told her what my dad said (my parents are in an arranged marriage and my dad loves my mom but she doesn’t really my dad has also cheated on her.) And after that today my brother went to their house and he wanted to go pee but they didn’t allow him and he peed his pants and there are some clothes of my brother there but my dad’s younger sister told him to shut up and that go home and change well my dad took him home and my mom really got pissed off after my brother told her but then my brother came to my room and demanded in a very annoying tone I play with him now or else and I was studying so I said no and then he ran and jumped on me. He pulled my hair and hit me and my mom saw but I pushed my brother off angrily and yelled at him so then my mom yelled at me and told me I need to be good with him and that if I don’t act nice with him he will go closer to those bitches and you’ll lose the title as his sister so I yelled back and argued with her then she compared me to my dad’s older sister so I cried then she told me I’m useless and left my room so I haven’t talked to her for a couple of hours. AITA?
(Also I will reveal some other stuff later and update and share more in a bit.)

I just fucking watched that ad of down syndrome assumption by Madison Telvin, and now I am so fucking angry at my fucking teachers at Andhra Pradesh who fucking assumed I can't compete so they deliberately refused to clarify my doubts, and assumed that I can do anything or study properly because I was from Andaman and Nicobar Islands and those motherfuckers who live in villages come to hostel to live city people don't even know what Andaman and Nicobar Islands are and these motherfuckers treated me so badly and I suffered from malaptive daydreaming these motherfuckers really fucking categorized me as a mental case like fuck them fuck them fuck them arghhhhhhhhh Indians with close mindedness need a fucking mirror to show them that there can be fucking better nicer personalities and richer human beings who are gay, lesbian, neurospicy or anything their fucking assumptions had ever seen, fuck em all when they find out there are better far more capable and far more successful than them,
fuck them all till they find out everything they assumed about someone from different religion, different sex, different anything can and will definitely out pass their fucking assumed NORMAL!

Hello, English is not my first language, so I apologize for the grammar or any other errors. And also fake names!
I (18F) dated my ex (18M), who we'll call Jonh, for two years. We started in 2021. We were best friends before we started dating and we had the same group of friends. In the first year of dating everything was incredible. He cooked me food, gave me gifts, my mother liked him, I spent weekends at his house, we even watched One Piece together, but there was a day when I started to feel reluctant. We went to a friend's house to sleep, it was the two of us plus him and his girlfriend. I have insomnia, as I couldn't sleep I tried to wake him up so he could help me fall asleep and he kind of woke up but was still in a drowsy state, and he says he doesn't remember what I'm going to tell you now, he thought that I was waking him up so we could do naughty things so he put my hand down his pants. I just started crying and locked myself in the bathroom until I fell asleep. I "forgave him" because like I said, he doesn't remember it happening. But after I spoke to Laura, my best friend at the time, she said that this wasn't very normal, it was a very long conversation, and it made me realize that many of the sexual things we did, Jonh and I, were Against my will, I only did it because I wanted him to continue to like me. I didn't blame him at all, because it was trauma from my past relationship. I decided to talk to him, he understood and apologized profusely for not realizing it sooner. Over the next 3 to 4 months he always asked if I wanted it, but there were times when I said no, he made me feel bad about it. Laura told me to break up with him, she wasn't the only one in my group of girls, but love is blind right? I continued with him, I was still hoping he would change. (btw Laura and Jonh only talked in school and they really never liked each other)
In our group of friends there were 2 boys who were closest to Jonh. I was very close to James, I considered him like a brother, I've known him since I was 6 years old, but I vented to Stuart about my problems with Jonh, especially because James is not the best person to vent to unless it's 4 am and we're playing Minecraft. And this is important because James was my best friend besides Jonh and this is where things start going south.
On Valentine's Day, my favorite day of the year, I dressed up and put on makeup and everyone complimented me except John and James. I made a bouquet of origami flowers for Jonh, he didn't care about the bouquet at all and Stuart loved the bouquet and was super excited and asked how I made it and so on. We went to Jonh's house in the afternoon, I made some mixed heart-shaped puff pastries, and when I called him to the kitchen, he was sleeping, I ended up packing my things, and when I was about to leave he woke up and asked where I was going. I told him it was the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had, because I didn't receive anything or do anything together and he didn't even care about the gifts I gave him. He ended up crying and apologizing, I left angry, and for me that was the day I ended the relationship mentally. I couldn't take the shit anymore. I called Stuart when I got home and managed to stop crying.
Almost 2 months passed and I couldn't break up with Jonh, I was going to wait until the summer or until university started so he could distract himself and not get so bad, stupid I know. In April we went to London for 1 week, as a study visit, Jonh didn't go. I have a huge phobia of crowds, people in general, and as Jonh wasn't going to be there I asked James and Stuart to be with me when we left the hotel so I wouldn't have any attacks. The only one who was with me was Stuart and Robert, a friend of Stuart. James started making up rumors that I was cheating on Jonh with Stuart, what a friend I tell you. When Sophie, my rommie of the hotel room, told me this I cried, like, is my best friend making up shit about me? I called Jonh and told him the situation and that when I arrived back home I would tell him everything more calmly.
I thought it would end there, but to sum it all up, James never apologized to me for making up rumors, he started saying things to me and Stuart whenever we were together, Stuart didn't care and always stayed by my side. When we got home, I explained everything to Jonh and he believed James more than me, even though nothing had happened between Stuart and me, but Jonh ended up dropping the subject.
The four of us continued to hang out as if nothing had happened, but I was still very hurt by James.
One random Wednesday I decided I couldn't take it anymore, I called Robert and told him I was going to break up with Jonh, he said "u go girl". and I did it, over called, but I did it. I cried a lot, because hurting him hurts me, but it had to be done, for both of our sakes. I guess Robert called Stuart because within 5 minutes of finishing the call with John, Stuart was on his bike outside my house. He came up and was comforting me for almost 3 hours. After that day, Stuart almost always came to see if I was okay. We spent whole afternoons in my room talking or watching tiktoks, it was a comfort I didn't know I needed. James never spoke to me again, except to call me a whore. My best friend, Laura, told everyone that I had cheated on Jonh. My group stopped talking to me except for Jonh, he still wanted to know how I was. I made a new group of friends with Sophie and some of her friends. I was healing. Stuart continued to come to my house every afternoon. I started to like Stuart, and in June he told me he liked me. And now we've been dating for almost a year and I've never been so happy and well treated.
James still talks shit about me, and it still hurts, because I loved James like a brother, only 4 or 3 people talk to me of my old 15 people friend group. And I want to know was I the asshole?

Gojo is my favorite character in jjk. Fav ship with him is Utahime so I like to read their ship on ao3 but I have noticed this trend where this guy isn't teasing her but just bullying and I'm supposed to find it endearing.
Constantly mocks her and invades her personal space and seems to have no limit. Telling her if she wants her stuff back she should kneel. You may think the first two complaints are no different from canon but no, they is a big difference. Utahime in canon just has a short fuse which Gojo uses to his advantage. She can choose to ignore him but she is the one giving him the attention. She is free to ignore him. In this fics Gojo comes across as a yandere that utahime cannot ignore no matter how hard she tries. If she does he will force her to acknowledge her. And then I'm supposed to think it's beautiful when Utahime realizes he has feelings for her and she may be thinking she likes him back? Gross
Also to add this fics tend to have Young Gojo really mock the weak. Which again, he does in canon but at least you know despite he and Geto's differing philosophies he is not seeing them as Kashimo would say "dirt beneath his feet". He is even friends with Shoko who I'm pretty sure dies in a fight with Utahime. You can tell this authors have no understanding of his character because he thinks everyone is below him yet they still make him friends with Shoko lmao
Gojo in canon is an ass because he is born the strongest and everyone treats him as nothing more than that. Even in the airport his friends don't see beyond that. But at least he has the decency to not see everyone as worms. He knows he could nuke everyone but doesn't go saying it everytime how much he is better than the rest. It could be interesting if the stories are deciding to delve deeper into his psych to see how he is always seeing himself in regards to his surroundings but they just dump this discount Gojo who has the mindset of kashimo

anybody else struggling with getting their life started as a result of homeschooling? I feel like I’ve been robbed of every opportunity to succeed because my education was so inadequate. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of trauma and negatives that I live with everyday because my parents choose homeschool.
I did have a happy childhood but it’s clouded under a veil of guilt, shame, and fear. Living in a toxic household and having nowhere to go is so crippling.
If you ever consider homeschooling, PLEASE DONT! unless you are a certified educator and mental health professional I don’t think you have the tools in hand to shape minds.
If I had gone to school my mental health issues would have been seen or even treated much sooner in life. There are a lot of pros of homeschooling, but in my mind it will never be enough to make up for the complete fuckery I went through.
This subreddit came to me at a very crucial time. I’m grateful it exists.
It makes me feel less crazy.

I don't wear clothes that I like, I let myself go and gained a bunch of weight because I eat for dopamine. My hair isn't how I want it to be. I don't act the way I want to. I'm extremely paranoid and scared of people. I feel like I will never be accepted, so I never try to talk to anyone.
I'm 22 and still not anywhere close to being the person I want to be. I was extremely sheltered and dropped out of college, still living with my dad. I'm a trans man and I can't tell anyone because he's my only support, so I obviously haven't started transitioning. I have no friends in real life. So many people my age are living their lives as they want to but I feel powerless. I don't know how to stop being helpless.
I don't even know where to start with friendships. I tried in college and people talked to me, but they either ended up having ulterior motives, ghosting me, or smothering me. It seems like I attract all the wrong people and when I try to reach out first it just never sticks. There's something off about me and I don't know what it is. No one is telling me.
My dad treats me like an idiot and like a child. I'm not allowed to have access to my own birth certificate or social security card. He says if he let me live alone I'd just kill myself. Every time I try to talk about getting independent he says I won't last a day.
I wish I had tried harder to get away. I let my mental and physical health degrade so much. I was more confident at 16 than I am now. I was more independent and capable. But my parents suppressed every attempt to grow. I wasn't allowed to work, they sabotaged my driving. I feel like I'll never escape. I'll never be independent.
I wish I had stood up for myself even once.

[Speaker 1]
How does it feel when you said om? The rajas just disappears. Believe me.
This om is such a beautiful sound. There is no place left for tamas. Rajas just disappears and you are in a beautiful state.
You are in no hurry. Nothing is going away. It is a beautiful tranquil state.
And it is this tranquil state which is sattva guna. A question is often asked as to why the Hindus have so many devatas. So, I need to be all wild up here.
Things won't function otherwise. Okay, so in jyotish, let's have a small recap on the jyotish. Why do we have 12 signs or do we have 13 signs?
Some people are recommending it. Yeah. The 12 full moons that occur in a year.
There are 12 full moons. Sometimes there are 13 full moons. No.
Okay. But generally there are 12 full moons. Correct.
Generally there are 12 full moons. That is why it is the full moon to full moon. The time period is roughly 29 point odd days.
That has been rounded off to 30 days. Right? How much is the time between one full moon to another full moon?
29.5. Right. 29.5 days is rounded off to 30 days. So, what are we talking about?
We are talking about days, about time. We are not talking about space. We are talking about time.
So, the time taken for the sun to move in those 30 days or 30 solar days is supposed to be one Rashi. And that has been equated to space. What is the average motion of the sun?
1 degree per day. Average motion. So, how do you equate the time to space?
You take 30 days multiplied by 1 degree per day. That is how you have 30 degrees for one sign. So, what is our original starting point?
It is time. So, time has been converted into space. Am I being understood?
Time, that is Kala, is converted to space. Now, we have a total circle of 360 degrees. It is simple mathematics.
And we have one sign or what we call one Rashi, one weight. And the word Rashi means one weight, one measure. Rashi is a measure, a weight.
We have that weight of 30 degrees. And we arrived at 30 degrees by 30 days motion of the sun. So, 360 divided by 30 gave us 12 Rashi, 12 measures.
12 steps. If one step is 30 degrees, you know, one step is 30 degrees, the sun can take 12 steps. The sun takes 12 steps to go around.
12 Rashi. Rashi is a measure. Rashi is not a sign.
The word sign means symbol. Rashi is not sign. Rashi is measure.
I can clarify that first concept now. The zodiac signs is translated as Rashi. It is wrong.
Rashi is a measure. So, I thought this small recap in Jyotish would be good because I want to be very clear with you about our basics before we proceed further. Now, that we have 12 Rashi, the question was we needed variables to define life.
Life has to be defined because it is life that is important. We are studying life. We are not studying some stars in the sky.
We are not studying those planets in the sky. We are studying life on earth. Jyotish is a study of life on earth.
It is not a study of the stars in the sky. Astrology is astro, is astral, the stars. Logy is the logic for that.
That is not what we are doing. We are studying Jyotisha, Jyoti, the light of God. And that light of God is there in the hearts of every human being.
It is there in the heart of every animal. It is there in the tree of every living creature. That light of God is in a stone.
We are looking for that light. We are not looking at the stars. That is not Jyotish.
It is a very fundamental difference. Where are we looking? We are using that information to help us.
But that information is not the objective. The objective is the life here on earth. In this planet.
In this life which is full of darkness. We are looking for that spark of light. That is Jyotisha.
The translation of Jyotisha as Vedic and Astrology is totally and completely wrong. Firstly, it is not Vedic. It is a Vedanga.
Secondly, it is not Astrology. Astrology is a part of it. But it is not Astrology in all.
You see my point? This hand is a part of Sanjay. You can say this hand is Sanjay.
But this hand alone cannot define Sanjay. So we were waiting for Sarvani to come and light the lamp. She has come.
One western, you will be surprised. There is one person in the west who did it. Who made a very serious attempt.
He called it the light of life. One person did it. And I admire him for that.
He tried. It is a light. Without that light, there is no Jyotish.
This is crucial for us. So he translated it as the light of life. The life on this planet.
So his translation was very good. It consists of three parts. One is Ganita.
One is Hora Shastra. And one is Samhita. If we say Vedic Astrology, we are kicking Samhita out.
Ganita is having no place at all. I mean it is only Ganita, some little parts of Ganita. Some portion of Hora Shastra.
Not even the full portion of Hora Shastra. Am I clear on what I am saying? Vedic Astrology is only Ganita and some Hora Shastra.
Samhita is totally kicked out. Because when we say Pallipatana or the falling of a lizard. What planet is that?
Is there any planet involved? One, you are walking. You saw a cat pass.
Some planet ran away, no? One cat passed in this direction. What was the time?
What was the color of the cat? What was this? What was that?
Which direction he ran? How big he was? All those things are important.
That whole science, we are throwing away. It is wrong. We are limiting our study.
You see my point? Vastu Shastra, we have thrown it away. Jyotisha includes Vastu Shastra.
Jyotisha includes Sakuna Shastra. Jyotisha includes Ved Mantra. Jyotisha includes Shiva Gyan.
You cannot just pick up Shiva and throw him away and say I am a Jyotisha. You cannot do that. You have to try to understand Shiva.
So you see, Jyotisha is a very huge ocean. We are throwing it away because we don't want to work hard. We have become lazy.
By nature, that is the nature of man. And more it will increase as time passes, as the human life becomes smaller and smaller and smaller. We will have to throw away more and more, more and more.
Why? Because we think that this one lifetime will go away and I will not learn. We think that this one lifetime is all that we live.
Beyond this we will not live anymore. That this knowledge will be destroyed when we die. Knowledge is not destroyed when you die.
Knowledge is retained in the Atma. Atma retains knowledge in the form of Dharma. When that knowledge is retained in the Atma, how can it be destroyed?
Remember, there is a beautiful saying my Gurudev used to say. Everything in this world can be taken away from you. You will lose everything that you have.
One day or the other, everything, a shirt, brother, father, mother, sister, everything will go away. Only one thing will stay with you. The knowledge that you have.
Even after you die, nobody can take that, nobody can steal that, nobody can deprive you of that. It is the only thing that will stay with you. And when you know that that is the only thing that will stay with you, why are you foolishly running after other things?
Why are you not pursuing your mind on this knowledge? It is a very beautiful thing. When you think about it, it is a very beautiful thing.
That it is this Vidya, this knowledge and all that will be retained by us. So, we must work hard to increase the knowledge content within our Atma. To remove that ignorance, the covering of ignorance, those layers of dirt.
It is like a murti, you know, the Atma is like a murti, full of dirt on top. Clean it. Please give up.
Subhad jantam jagannathayate namah. Om. So, we will continue with this for some more time.
Till the others come, I will give them another 10 minutes, till I start my Jyotish. Recap on Jyotish is what we are having. I will just remind you again.
So, we are now clear about the 12 signs. Life. When I see a human being, or I see an animal, or I see a tree, how do I define the object?
What are the things that I need to define the object? Forget those grahas. They don't matter.
If we need them, we will take them. Firstly, there is a physical body that has to be divided. Then the first thing, a form.
Everything that is materially created must have a form. And that form comes because of prithvitatva. It is prithvitatva, or the solid element, that defines the form.
Right? The second is that which causes sustenance. What sustains?
It is that which carries the food. The carrier of food or the sustainer is in a form which is fluid. Because he is changing, yet he has to communicate with the solid.
And that is the liquid. That is the jada tattva. Right?
So, first there is a solid. And this solid defines the form. This form has to be replenished.
Like you know your hair is falling. Your hair grows. You cut your hair.
Again it grows. How come the hair is growing? Somebody is giving him food to grow.
The food that is coming for the hair to grow is jada tattva. It is coming from jada tattva. The giver of food is jada tattva.
It is the sustainer. Then comes that which has to cleanse. When you cut your hair, you throw it away, right?
Something has to cleanse it. Something has to remove the dirty one, the old one, the dead one. All the time.
So, constantly there is creation. Constantly there is sustenance. And constantly there is destruction.
Within your body, cells are being created, cells are being sustained, cells are being destroyed. Constantly this process is going on. The destruction or the dissolution is taking place because of vayu tattva.
Okay? So, we have three tattvas. The prithvi tattva, the jala tattva and the vayu tattva which are creating or defining the form, sustaining the form and destroying the form.
Am I right? Then, there must be one which is the result of sustenance. The purpose of sustenance.
Why are you sustaining something? For what reason he is there? He has to do some karma.
He has to do some action. Even the sea, when you stand next to a sea, you will see the sea is coming in, going out, coming in, going out. Have you seen that?
How the sea dances on the shore? The waves are coming in and the waves are going out as if the sea is doing a mantra. Constantly the samudra is doing a mantra.
You see my point? So, the purpose, the action, something is animating it. Even a sea which is dead is getting animated.
That animation or the movement comes from energy and that is agni tattva. Okay? So, we have four tattvas and there must be one that coordinates all the effort, keeps them all together, ensures that there is perfect friendship and harmony between them, there is great love between all of them, that they work together for a common purpose of existence so that the life continues.
He ensures that life continues. Something is keeping all of them together. Some kind of a magnetic force you may call it, which is binding them, some kind of a glue.
That is akash tattva. What was that? Could somebody take a look at what's happening?
Sounds like a smoke alarm, doesn't it?
[Speaker 2]
So, that is akash tattva.
[Speaker 1]
So, we have five tattvas that we need. The five primary tattvas will define the entire life. The living object is defined by the five tattvas.
A dead object is also like the sea. I was just now talking about the sea and the animation of the sea. Even that is also defined by five tattvas.
Right? After that, what is the next thing? We have the entire creation that runs on the basis of light.
The whole game is like a movie, you know. What is movie all about? It's light.
Different colors of light, different play of light, different images. All images are nothing but light. Pure light, the reflected light and darkness.
Darkness is also part of light. If there is no shadow, you will not appreciate the light. It is all a game.
It's a beautiful drama. This drama is being played by four factors. The sun and the moon and the lunar nodes, Rahu and Ketu.
Because the entire light on earth comes from the sun. In the night, we have light from the moon. And then there are the stages which we call stages without light and stages of intense light.
Which we call the Rahu and the Ketu. So these define Jyotish. The pancha tattva, the luminaries and the givers of light.
For the pancha tattva, we need five grahas only. We don't need more than that. Because there are five variables.
You can use any other variable. If you think there is a better variable than the grahas, you can use that. The five grahas starting from Mercury to Saturn in that order of the five closest to the sun are the ones that we need.
We don't need more than that. So that is our definition of Jyotish. The nava grahas consisting of the pancha tattva, the tattva grahas, there are five tattva grahas and the sun, moon, Rahu, Ketu.
So there are two groups. One group is the pancha tattva grahas and one is sun, moon, Rahu, Ketu.
[Speaker 2]
Can you repeat that order starting from Mercury?
[Speaker 1]
Prithvi tattva, Jala tattva, Prithvi tattva, Mercury. It is very important to understand this. Prithvi tattva, Mercury, the solid form.
Then Jala tattva, Venus, Shukra, then Vayu tattva, Saturn, then Agni tattva, Mars, and then Akash, the one who is making this whole world run around and forcing them to stay together and work together. The definition of God. God is good.
Otherwise he is not God. Right? So that is Jupiter.
The pancha tattva. And after these pancha tattvas, we have the sun, the moon, and Rahu and Ketu. So two groups.
Clear? This is our definition of Jupiter. So now after, since you are all here, as I told you I will make the announcement again.
Sarbani will need more time to complete her part of the paper. And so she will be taking the paper tomorrow after Swi's paper. So you will get a treat as she is handling Diksha initiations which is a tough job.
Very tough job. And Diksha is tough, alright. But seeing Diksha through Jyotish is even more tough.
What is Diksha, types of Diksha, lot of stuff she will be doing. Today I will be troubling you throughout the day. By the time I should be done, your brain should be completely fried.
So, I will be starting today with Graha Devata.

I’m not sure if this can go in this community, I’ve never used it but Reddit asked me to pick one to post in, so hopefully this works out.
TLDR at the bottom
Hello, I don’t ever really post here, I mainly use it to read stories or cheer myself up a bit after a hard day. But, today is different. We live in NY, that may be important later on.
So, the other day, my boyfriend and I went out with some friends. We ate and I ended up getting food poisoning, I was supposed to go in at 11am today but unfortunately couldn’t due to my current illness that will pass. My boyfriend texted me this morning, his message stated that our boss cut back our hours from 5 days a week to 2 days (for me) and 3 days (for him). Please keep in mind that our boss is the same woman who will praise us to our faces then turn around and attempt to pin all of our co-workers against us. This is also the same woman who attempted to frame me of stealing money, which I didn’t do and she fired the one who did it, but she still insists that I cannot be trusted and that I am “lazy” and “incapable of hard work”. I work in a gas station deli, by no means is that “hard work”. I worked in two different restaurants, both were quite popular where I used to live.
Not only has my boss consistently degraded myself, my boyfriend, and the only diligent works; but she also consistently claims that she does everything. This woman comes in for 3 1/2 hours, makes some weird looking/smelling food that only two people get, makes a mess out of the entire deli and hot food sections, refuses to do her dishes, acts as though every one else is in the wrong for coming to work. She is also now attempting to get me in trouble for my physical issues (that have gone undiagnosed due to medical professional ignorance and parental neglect (father’s side)), acting as if they’re not real and treating me like I’m making it up “just so I don’t have to work”. If that was the case, I wouldn’t work there.
I started working there in late January, early February and this woman has nonstop proven that she should not be in charge. She promoted myself and my boyfriend to supervisors and gave us a raise, we haven’t gotten our raise and she likes to tell us we have no authority and that we can’t do anything. At this point, I am genuinely lost with what to do. My boyfriend and I are looking for good jobs that pay us way more, we only make minimum wage and in the economy, we can’t afford ANYTHING. I can’t even get insurance or start working towards my financial goals because of this woman.
I do not feel as though it is legal to almost completely knock someone’s schedule because they missed one day. My boyfriend hasn’t missed any days recently so his schedule being docked hours makes no sense. If mine was knocked a day or two, that would make sense to me. But taking more than half of my work week away because you have a silly vendetta that YOU concocted, that doesn’t make any sense to me. I have over 50 files collected of all that has been said and does as well as witnesses if I need them, but any regulatory advice would be HIGHLY appreciated.
TLDR: My boss is on a power trip at our convenience store and is cutting my hours because I got sick, as well as creating many issues between myself and other co-workers. What do I do?
Edit: this is the same woman who will get very angry with me or any of our co-workers for asking a question or trying to explain ourselves, she won’t even let us get a word in and just berates us for USUALLY no reason.
Edit two: I was recently informed that she (my boss) was fired from another location for doing the same thing she’s doing at our current place of work. I also got a comment about Walmart manager training, she worked at Walmart so that explains a bit for me.

Here I am again posting here because I have no emotional support in my life. Or maybe I do and I’m too scared to reach out. Either way I find it easier to talk when people don’t know all my personal details.
I’m a 23 year old man and the last few years of my life have been full of unlucky experiences with women. I started dating again at 20 years old, 4 years after my first relationship, because of a bad experience. I’m thinking I need another break like that. I’m about to leave my current girlfriend because I’ve caught her messaging other boys and old flings behind my back numerous times. She talks about how she misses them, our sex life, old sex life, and how they should hang out. Nothing has ever happened physically (that I know of) but the trust is gone. Not looking for advice here, the relationship is over and I accepted that. This is like my third time experiencing unloyalty in a relationship.
I’m not bad looking or have trouble talking to girls. If anything, I have trouble finding GENUINE loyal women. And I say this as someone whose knows multiple married couples and has a married sister. Seeing how they, and my potential life partners act makes me question loyalty in this generation.
For myself, I have trouble talking to more than one girl at a time. Shocker, I know. As a man I should have no problem talking to multiple women at a time and sleeping with however many I want right? But, whenever I get into relationships I quit porn and pretty much quit talking to other females entirely. I give all my attention to my partner because that’s how I would like to be treated. But I’ve only been active with about seven women, and only one of them was truly a one night stand. Even then I am shocked, because I thought every one of those girls had potential to be my future life partner.
Thanks to whoever read my young experiences, my question now is; does loyalty still exist? And if it does how/will I find someone who values it as much as me? Or should I change my behavior and stop giving my loyalty for free? I plan on taking a long time to myself and I know it's going to be lonely but I'm tired of getting myself into bad experiences.

~Player always get better or cooler reward for helping other~
Player race - fiver options for customization
Ghoul
No radiation damage + slow regeneration + npc more mefiant and discrimination
Glowing ghoul =
No radiation damage + slow regeneration + npc shoot on sight need to convinced them you’re sane
Super mutant =
No radiation damage + Npc are scared and treat you like an idiot and discriminate
Synthétique =
The compount will hunt you down eventually
Human = no malus or bonus

Character background :
Ghoul / glowing ghoul : Old ghoul ; new ghoul ; vault
Human : Vault ; settler ; brotherhood ; institute
Super mutant: amnesiac
Synthétique : Railroad ; Mister handy (Miss nanny) Old, new, vault.
START
New arrivant decided to etablished themselves in an old farm close to the local town and become farmer.
First objectif :
- rebuilt home by scavenging in delapited town

• scavenging town to find seed (First seed of the player)
  
• Scavenging town to find gardening tool
  

Mechanics

Upgrade house by collecting enough scavenging material (metal, stone, tape, glue, etc…) and paid the town entrepreneur to do so.
Possibility to upgrade town by the same way : drinkable water ; defense ; radio tower ; museum ; school ; etc…
Defend home from wild attack (animal, raiders, super mutant, ect…) with gun and eventually autonomous turrets (later game) and engage mercenary to defed (late game). The more the player amass money, the more frequent the attack will be.
Scavenger will gossip about big event and some minor event that occurred in the settlement that you participated in.
Settlement gestion :

• Happiness (Festival ? ; npc request ; …)
  
• Sanitaire (Water access)
  
• Defense (Millitia ; autonomous turrets ; dogs)
  

Thirst gestion.
Can recolt skin, meat (and bones?) of wild animal.
Can recolt material, used to very used weapond, (rarely) health item, (meat and corpse body parts?) on intelligent humanoïds ennemy
Carrying can either be by weight of the item or by the number of item player can carry.

Farming

Season : Spring (middle season) ; Summer (high season) ; Automn (middle season) ; Winter (low season)
Tool: Hoe ; Scynthe ; Watering can ; Pickaxe hamme
Base crop value vs transform product :
Spring : -- ++
Summer : --- +++
Automn : ++ --
Winter : +++ ---

Can sell crop and other to nearest settlement (help with settlement relationship at first) or to traveling marchant.
The river close to your home have fish in it. It take two day for fish to repopulate. If seasonal fish have all be take out, it will take two years
Can raise different mutated animal. Sell them to the town for meat (or kill them and sell them yourself ?) or keep them alive for animal product. (Animal have life span?)
Transform product : Wine ; beer ; jelly ; dried spice,meat, fish ; cheese ; mayo ; butter
Farm building :

• Coop and barn
  
• Forge to fix used weapon
  

- Wind mill

• Food storage (?)
  
• Money storage (no bank, credit card or debit card. Need to carry in your inventary the money life in fallout)
  

Crop seed that can be found in the town :

• Potato
  
• Melon
  
• Wheat
  
• Corn
  
• Carrot
  
• Gourd
  

Seed you can buy for traveling marchants :

• Spice seed (basilic ; persil; etc..)
  
• Fruit seed
  
• Legume seed
  

( - Flower and house plant seed ? (Aloes??))

Fight

No power armor for the player :(
Can buy stimpack and radaway from settlement healer or from scavenger in the town (for a more expensive price). When reach high enough relationship with healer, he will give you the recipe for both. The only way to regain life and get rid of radiation (sleep and food don’t heal). (Sickness (malus) if health too low for too long?)
Gain radiation by drinking
The main fight zone of the game is the town. In the edge : house, a small commerce (tiny to small dungeon) ; Closer to the center: Office, appartement (small to medium dungeon) ; Center : Commercial center, sky scrapper, (subway?) (normal to big dungeon.
Some raiders and some synth will drop their weapons and beg for their life if the health is low enough. Spare enough of them and you will receive letter from either : the minuteman ; the brotherhood or the railroad to thank you for sending more recruit their way. Two or three will regularly visit town.

Relationship

Can get a dog as a perm. Companion (can choose race?) (Can breed you dog and gitf puppy to the settlement?)
Npc relationship possible bonus :
- Discount (from marchant)
- Recipe
- Special cut scene
- (Sometime) help on the farm

• (Sometime) help to defend the farm

Some npc love receving gift other will be inconfortable with it. But after (wedding?) no adverse reaction to receive gift.

• 2 gift a week
  
• 1 gift a month (After the first gift wil react more and more incomfortable, will start to lower relationship)
  

MAX : 2 gift a week
Might meet some settler in the edge of the town, scavenging like you.
Cause of relationship decay :

• Unlike gift
  
• (for some) offer to many gift
  
• 1 month with no interraction
  
• Answer choice
  
• Attacking townie (unkillable)
  
• Question choice
  

There’s a vault “near” the settlement. Gain their trust by doing quest (# depend on race of the player). Once they trust you and when you become mayor, they will become full allied and allow circulation between their vault and the settlement.
Romanceable npc
- # Ghoul

• Robot (Synth and miste handy (miss nanny)

• Super mutant

• Settler

- 1 Traveling npc
Special romance
- Mysterious stranger (need 10 Luck and insert condition)
Will randomly pop out of your house and pop back in. Will tell you about a lone wanderer, courrier or vault survivor he helped. Will come to your help in combat with baby in hand (if kid in the game)

• intelligent deathclaw (insert conditions)

Rival ? Date ?
If there’s kid in the game
Player will be able to have two kids. (Hatchling deathclaw will count as one if in a relationship with Deathclaw).
If player or spouse can’t have a kid (Super mutant ; ghoul ; Synth); player will get a quest about a raider camp in town. Discover all prisoner are dead except one human baby hidden by the body of his dead mother.
Quest reward : Congradulation you are a parent :D
If player can have kid; if spouse is a women, player will have to catter to their wife food craving (nothing with rare item) or face a penality in the relationship. If player is a women ; Malus in health, energy, slower deplacement and carrying capacity decrease the more and more the pregnancy advance. New choice of answer : pissed as fuck and hormonal. Spouse will insist to become a companion until end of pregnancy
Kid will go to school (town upgrade) for three day, help on the farm for three other and have a free day.

Stats

Strenght : carrying capacity (?) ; combat ; energy ; health ; defense
Perception : detect ennemy ; scavenging ; npc interraction
Endurence : health ; energy ; resistance
Charisma : batter ; persuasion ; Npc weariness ; # limit of resident npc in settlement
Intelligence : crafting farm upgrade (fertilizer ; spinkler) ; used weapon fixing
Agility : sneak ; weapon ; defense
Luck : loot quality ; gambling (?) ; crit chance (max starting points : 5)

Skill

Tree skill style possibility : Path of exile ; Outer world
Farming: Tilling - Watering
Fight: Heavy weapons- Light weapons- Melee
Defence : Dodge - Block
Stealth: Sneak- Lockpick - Hack
Endurance : Poison resistance - Radiation resistance - Thirst resistance
Persuasion: Batter - Intimidation - Persuation (?)
Scavenging : Deconstruct - Descerning eyes
Thinkering : Crafting - Engineering - Medecine
(Upgrade skill to upgrade stat? Once you upgrade a skill enough, it allow you to upgrade the stat?)

Quest :
Attempt murder on the player by the mayor once town upgrade and settler relationship high enough. Scare that they would lose their place to you to engage mercenary or try to poison you to keep their place. Force the mercenary to tell you who paid them or find a note on one of them or talk to the mayor after the attack (will be surprise to see you alive). You can :
- Bring him to justice and let the settler decide of his fate. (Will be possible to talk to him in prison)
- Execute him (will have to prove to the settler that this was auto-defense. Lose some relationship with settler)

• Let him life (will leave town. Grateful to be alive but bitter to have lose his title)

Result : Become mayor next election!
Raides have created a camp close to the settlement. Remove them. Player will find two npc in cage. You can :

• Let them there

-Help them out
-Kill them inside the cage
Result :

• They die
  
• Will eventually die of thirsth
  
• Will come to the town and become settlers
  

You’ve find a mister handy (or miss nanny) in the town. Why not fix them?
Result : They will propose you to help you on the farm. Accept and they’ll start working the day after. Refuse and they’ll becom settler. (Possibility to make them synth when relationship high enough?)

Find a sorry scene : deadraiders; a dead deathclaw; a nest with two crushed egg a one intact egg. You can :

• Sell the egg
  
• Eat the egg
  

-Hatch the egg
Result :

• Money
  
• Bost in one stat? Level upgrade?
  
• Get a baby deathclaw. Will be able to switch with you dog as perm companion. (If romanced the deathclaw, you spouse will leave with the hachtling for a season. When back the hatchling statut will change from animal to children and gain dialogue)
  

The river close to your house is drying. Discover the reason. The river goes into a cavern and to a lake.
Result : new fish
There’s a thirsthy and hungry homeless man at the edge of the settlement. You can :
-Give him food and water for a week
-Let him there
-kill him
Result :
-They get back on their feet and eventually open an inn in town. Will sometime offer you free drink an talk to you about stranger he hepled by following your exemple.
-They will slowly die an talk with more and more difficulty. (Which led to kill him)
-Burry him and make a small tomb or let him root there. Will get eaten by wild animal.

Guiding an injured npc to the town
Result :??

The settlement don’t have enough food for the winter and ask for your help. You can :

• Refuse
  
• Accept
  

Result :

• -- relationship with settler and some settler will die
  
• ++ reward if accept
  

Help to defend the settlement (before settlement defense upgrande)
Result :??

The scientist of the vault ## think they can help you rediscover old world crop see.
Result : new seeds :D

End game quest :
The vault now trust you enough to tell you about the G.E.C.K.S. The received one that ended up defective and never received the second. They want you to go to the vault building in the center of the town and see if you can find any information about it. Vault tower will be the most difficult dungeon in the game. Beat it to find that the G.E.C.K.S was sent to a second vault that was either unfinished or an experimentation. Go the the vault ## to discover that the G.E.C.K.S had taken some damage from bad condition and bad storage. Get all the item to fix it and either fix it yourself (no money cost) or ask to a vault scientist to fix it (+++ money cost)
Result : The map surrounding your house, the vault and the town will become more and more green with beautiful tree (Process will take ### day or month or years)

When things are going good I find myself thinking “maybe I’m over thinking” when he treats me poorly. Like I have notes with over 20 different times he’s treated me poorly in the last 10 years but for some reason when things are going good I’m like “maybe it’s not bad” But then I realize, it’s because nothings happened that’s triggered his anger yet. And once there’s a stressor in life the temper will come out again.
I keep feeling like maybe he’s starting to change but then the second he talks down to me for the tiniest of things, example, I started helping with the cooking more & he mentioned the knife I use is dull. I jokingly said “prob cause I’m cooking so much now 🤭” he said “yeah that happens when you don’t cut things the right way” the smile erases from my face. I know it’s a tiny thing but it’s built up from all of the other times he’s said I don’t do something right. So I just feel small & dumb. I do ALL of the cleaning all the grocery shopping but yet still attempted to learn to cook because that’s what he wants for a partner. But it just didn’t feel good enough.
But then we’ll be sitting on the couch watching a show laughing & my brain makes me feel like it’s always this good when in reality it’s not.
Do people stay in the relationship because of the good times regardless of the bad? I’m so nervous of regretting leaving because of the good times. It’s giving “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” vibes which is so damn confusing.

18F here. I have a 38 year old partner who actually posted one of these as well not too long ago. For reference him and I have been together for a little over a year. Throughout the duration of this relationship this man has choked me, spit on me, kicked me out several times, secretly recorded me, put papers in the door crack to see if I left out or not…truly the list goes on. Now at first when these things happened I’d just go in a closet or bathroom and cry. Well lately I’ve been fighting back. I don’t really respect him. I don’t listen to him as much as I used to and I’m kind of the man in the relationship at this point. It’s a constant internal battle because I do love him very much but I do not love the things he does. The real kicker is he will say he’s going to change and then do the same thing a week later so I oftentimes find myself sounding like a broken record. I just need to know. Am I the asshole for treating him differently even when he’s done so much to tarnish the dynamic of our relationship? He wants to be “daddy” but has such a hard time accepting the responsibility that daddies have. Without fail when I try to confront him he cries and makes me feel bad for treating him that way but I feel with our age gap there’s so much he should be teaching me and guiding me towards but it’s like our roles are reversed. I find myself being the more mature and level headed one. It’s so frustrating always having to find an answer or solution because he never has one. It leaves me feel so alone and frustrated with him. So I’m left being the villain in our relationship because I’m always trying to call him out and correct his behavior and how he treats “the love of his life”. But it’s like the only time he ever has a genuine response or can actually retain what I’m saying is if it’s this big violent spectacle. Am I the asshole for feeling and acting the way I do?

Hi everyone, title.
My boyfriend’s senior dog was hospitalized last night, after series of tests it was found that he(the dog) has a tumor in his spine, which explains his imbalance and difficulty in moving. My boyfriend is absolutely devastated cos the dog has been with him for 13 years and is his bestfriend, that dog got him through a lot of difficult times. Due to the dog’s advanced age, it’s possible that my boyfriend will be asked to put him down, which I know my boyfriend will do to ease the pain but will absolutely hate. I can feel how heavy it is for him. He is completely not himself, he’s been quiet and just been keeping to himself. Which is understandable.
However, as someone raised in a family of non-pet people and farmers, I can’t seem to relate. Don’t get me wrong, we had pets before and loved them as actual family members but we don’t get attached as much as the others since we know that they live shorter than us. I had a dog for 8 years and I was sad when he passed but not as sad as how my boyfriend is.
I don’t know what to say or how to support him right now, aside from the fact that I’m treating his dog as if it’s a person whom he actually lose. I listen to him talk about the dog, their memories, and all his stories. Just giving him a safe space to let his pain out while also making sure that he still takes care of himself. I’m thinking of getting commissioning someone for an art of the dog or something to immortalize and remember him. Also, we’re currently in ldr so there’s only so much I can do right now.
Any insight or help would be nice, please be kind. Thanks

This is something I want to talk about in therapy, but am wondering if any other women especially women with low libidos struggle with sex and casual dating.
I keep hearing that sex is such an important part of a relationship for so many people. I've found that I actually have trouble letting go during sex and climaxing during partnered sex. I've never actually orgasmed from partnered sex in casual settings. I've found it's because I've felt rushed or was scared my partner would abandon me afterwards in casual contexts. Also they didn't do enough in terms of foreplay or build up in order to get me going. Really though lack of care is a big turn off for me. I'm also not super confident in my own sexual abilities. I've had sex once and it's why I'd prefer an LTR. I'd think the sex would both be better and I'd gain more consistent practice. But it feels like people won't commit if the sex isn't great off the bat.
I quickly realized I can't do casual sex. I'd prefer a partner. The men I sleep with don't want to commit so I remain single. I'm very sensitive to associating sex with rejection. Sex should be a safe place that is loving and open for exploration. I haven't had that yet. I also don't think sex should be transactional or expected. A lot of the relationship subs say they expect sex in an LTR and it's something to end the relationship over. Idk. Maybe this means I'm ace but I truly think there are other ways to show you care outside of sex, and other ways to bond outside of PiV sex especially. It's almost been impossible to find a partner who believes this though and especially with the way men from apps act and treat casual dating.
Due to past experience I have lots of performance anxiety when it comes to sex. Just wondering if this resonates at all with anyone else.
I have a fear of letting go in sexual encounters because the more vulnerable I am the more likely I will develop feelings and get hurt. If I don't have sex though no one will be interested in a romantic relationship. It kinda feels like this cycle of "You need to have casual sex to get better at it and if you don't you're just gonna stay single because most men want sex."

I am 21f and have always had a decent relationship with my dad. He’s always been a part of my life but didnt raise me like his other kids. I was his first child, my mom and him got pregnant with me like probably their first time having sex. They tried to stay together for 3 years for me but ended up both getting married when I was about 5. They’re both still with their spouses who both have helped raise me. After my dad and stepmom got together, he took on the role of parent for my stepsister who was 3 at the time and began raising her as his own. He began to be more part of her life than mine, constantly flaking on me for her. (She is my sister, we grew up together and nothing will ever change that, I love her) So my childhood consisted of a dad from a distance, I saw him every weekend while he was a full time dad to my step sister. It definitely caused me emotional turmoil as a child and I grew up thinking I was just worth less than everyone else by default. They ended up having two children together who he also raised full time. Growing up, everytime we would go shopping, he would never buy things for me because he paid my mom child support (told me this at age 12) so I just got used to being treated less than my siblings. My mom and stepdad were always broke (they have 4 kids) so I never really got to do much unless I was with them so I always went. They weren’t horrible parents to me though, when I was 13 my dad and stepmom started taking us all on vacations yearly in which they always paid for me until I turned 18. I grew up used to less so I was always sooo grateful thanking them for paying for me. He also helped me buy a car and paid for my college classes while in hs. Since turning 18, I’ve slowly started to become more and more upset about their relationship with me. They started making a lot more money and now take the kids on a cruise, buy them the most expensive sports equipment, constantly make big purchases for their home. All things I’m very happy they get the opportunity to do. It makes me very grateful that my siblings don’t have to grow up in financial struggle like I did. I thought they were ungrateful for a while because they weren’t constantly thanking their parents. Lately, I’ve been realizing that these kids (my dad and stepmoms, 12f and 13m) aren’t greatful at all, they just don’t know any different. Since turning 18 and beginning to fully support myself, I’ve always been upset that they started doing way more without me because I just couldn’t afford to go on every trip, especially since my siblings are always upset when I don’t go. However, I understood that I’m an adult now so there’s nothing wrong with them not helping me and I absolutely don’t expect them to. But now I’m 21, ready to go to school and have to fill out the fasfa. I need all the help I can get because I am struggling financially and extremely stressed and drained from adulthood. It really hurts to just be always struggling then go to their house and see how they live, but that’s beside the point. On the fasfa, if you’re not homeless, abused, etc it makes you put one of your parents as a “contributer”, (absolutely ridiculous btw bc I have no help from either of my parents). But that’s our government lol. I will put my mom on it since her income is extremely less than my dad’s but this whole experience is making me realize like damn. They could really help me pay for my education but instead spends thousands monthly on material things, $15k+ on vacations, etc. I feel very selfish for even thinking this way since I’m very greatful my siblings get the treatment they do. I’ve been supporting myself my entire adulthood and expect nothing from them or anyone. It just hurts I guess. Am I extremely selfish or is this trauma? (Yes I’ve talked to him about some of this but it doesn’t matter). I would love some insight. My relationship with them is upsetting me more and more as I continue to grow up. (I should add, he also still pays for me everytime we go out to eat and stuff like that, which I am always so grateful and relieved about.)