Aside from this family issue, my boyfriend and i are a great match and rarely argue. But family being a core value - is a deal breaker for us both.
My boyfriend(34M) and I (27F) have been together about a year and a half now. the very first time i heard his moms voice was over a facetime hearing “Now i know why I don’t see you anymore”. which to this day, he calls a joke- it is no joke.
My boyfriend goes to his moms house 4 times a week, facetimes his family every single day, stops what he’s doing to do things with his nephew, and constantly needs to be a hero to his mother and sister. Mind you his 30 year old sister, brother and law, and nephew love with his mother. this family has never left the state and only at 30 years old was he ready to move on on his own away from them.
about 6 months ago, he cancelled our plans to go be with them… of course i got a little ticked. his mom heard me yell and ever since then treats me as an evil girlfriend who is no good for her son. she treats me like a clear window pane, and is unresponsive anytime i have tried to make 1-on-1 plans. i talk to her every time i seee her, try to hug her, and be the best i can to be a part of his family.
we are trying to start a family of our own, and he talks of marriage. after 6 months of this sh*t… im tired of trying to make peace. i have asked him to speak to her about being more open and welcome he responds “she’s not welcoming to anyone who isn’t family” okay? so you’re gonna allow this?
at 35 i thought he would be ready to get off the t*t and start his own life but anytime he tries, he caves due to whatever guilt trip mommy has going on.
this is something that will never change, will it?

hi yall, this is my first post here, super super fun. i have this roommate who has actually never really been a problem up until a couple months ago or so. buckle in because this one is kind of complicated.
when i originally moved in to this place i was in a long-term relationship, i was also pretty much a hermit and didn’t really enjoy going out drinking (i still don’t). my roommate during this time would constantly pressure me into going to bars i didn’t want to go to for MONTHS. i would always get made fun of for ‘letting my boyfriend control my life’, ‘having attachment issues’, etc. i never thought much of it because a) we’re not friends and her opinion really doesn’t affect me, and b) im happy with the way my life is.
fast forward to a couple months ago, this roommate started dating a new guy who is… very scarily similar to me? is the best way i can describe it. me and this boy have the same hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, music taste, fashion sense, shoes, introverted personality, etc. ever since she started dating this guy my life has been absolute fucking hell, i feel like their hotel room service or something at this point. they are always here during the day, having loud shower sex (in our shared shower), making a huge mess with MY personal plates and cutlery, leaving garbage everywhere, and then running away to his house to spend the night before i can say anything. she never does any chores, i have done absolutely everything around the house for the past 2 months, including taking out the garbage every single week, unclogging the shower drain twice a month, sweeping and mopping the floors, etc. i would have no problem doing these things on my own if the amount of cleaning reflected the amount of messes i make, but instead i am cleaning up after 3 people, on top of also working 6 days a week. i don’t think it’s unfair to expect my jobless roommate who is not in school and does nothing except fuck her boyfriend in my shower to AT LEAST clean up after herself.
additionally, my roommate, who a couple months ago would make fun of me for being the way i am, has now started to subtly copy me in a lot of different ways. for starters, she has changed every single one of her shower products to be the exact same as mine. her and her boyfriend spend every waking minute together, but they never go out, just like what i was made fun of for months prior. she changed from being a complete night owl (waking up at around 1pm every day) to setting her daily alarm at the exact same time as me (6;30am), she does not have a job or any classes so she had no reason to change her sleep schedule so suddenly. this one hit really close to home as i only started waking up early as a way to avoid social interaction in the house. she’s been shopping for clothing and shoes in my style, and intentionally leaving these new clothes and shoes around the house for me to see. the best way i can describe living here right now is that it feels like an intentional punishment for me being the person i am, like she’s trying to get me to either change my personality or move out. (neither of which are going to happen)
i have confronted her already about the dishes, the loud shower sex, and the chores, none of which have really improved. i guess i came here mostly to rant, but also to ask just genuinely wtf am i supposed to do in this situation? i just want to feel at home in the home i pay for, take care of, and clean. is that too much to ask? how should i approach this going forward?
i’m just so sick of having to dedicate so much of my free time to cleaning up messes i didn’t make, for people who treat me like shit. i also just cannot fucking stand laziness, and all of my alone time has been robbed of me. please help

FIRST off let me say it was his idea to share locations to begin with. We’ve been having a lot of issues lately regarding not spending time together. He is always working 4 am- 10 am then 10 am-5pm & lately he’s spending a lot of times at his moms house. I work a full time Job and never have any time to myself I’m always taking care of the kids I do 95 percent of everything for them. While cleaning the house. He does the cooking or he buys the food if we eat out. I feel like we spend no time together on top of feeling like I have no life. The other night he left work early and our dog had to get a rabies vaccine. He had time to stop home before tending to his grandma but I still had to take an extra long lunch break to take the dog to get it done. Even though technically it’s his dog I told him I didn’t want a dog but I take more care of it then he does. So anyway besides the point. The other night he was at his moms I could see his location and he said he wouldn’t be long. He ended up running errands for her at 11 o’clock at night . And I could see it from his location. I was pissed and confronted him about why why never spend time together and he could do that for her but can’t help me out with HIS dog or spend time with me. He turned it off that night and hasn’t turned it back on since. I finally decided to ask him what’s up. We’ve shared it for 5 years and you just turn it off now. Saturday night he spent the whole night out and didn’t come home. I did confirm where he was but I was up all night and couldn’t sleep. And that’s not something he typically does. It would’ve saved me a nights sleep if I had the location since he stopped communicating with me. I asked him about the location and this is how the convo went. I really need input and another perspective about this.
I called him on the phone to ask him then his phone died so he text me back
Him : Babe do as you please. My location settings is off which means I can’t see your location anyhow. When I turn it back on you can see mine.
Me : I know that babe but why do you turn it off ? You either want to share or you don’t. That’s what I’m asking babe. You never used to just shut it off so I am confused as to the random ons and offs.
Him: Cause I’m not worried about it. I feel like shit though babe
Me: I am worried about it though. So do you want to just turn it off and be done with it ? Cause it would’ve came in handy when I was wondering where you were on Saturday night all night. Would’ve saved me some anxiety.
Him: Do what you want babe. Thank you babe. What time y’all leaving?
Me: I don’t know but I’m asking you collectively. It was your idea to share the locations to begin with and I’m telling you something is bothering me. It’s literally as simple as pressing a button to fix it. If you don’t want to do that babe let me know.
Him: I’ll press the button when it’s important babe. It’s not like I can see yours. That’s all I have to say about it. Are yall going to the aquarium or the boys being bad.
Me: We’ve done it for 5 years I don’t understand why it’s suddenly different now though suddenly you aren’t worried about it ? Right when we’re going through hard times. We are about to go I’ve got to get myself together.
Him: Why are you pressing it so bad like I go so many damn places? Like damn it’s not that serious especially when I’m a call or FaceTime away. Because I don’t care to turn it on unless I’m in an unfamiliar place where you got to worry about me. As of now I don’t do shit I only go to family house so I’ll turn it on when I need to.
Me: Then what was the point of all this time having it on constantly ?
Him: Why is this even a debate? We shouldn’t even be going back and forth over this. It’s not even that serious Smfh. Let’s just spark more problems
Me: I just figured turning it back on would be a simple fix but I’ll just be quiet. My reasoning is that I’m used to it so I wanna know what’s different now. Clearly there was a change of heart for some reason. But it’s ok. Do what you think is best.
Him: Why do you go through these phases? Drilling shit in your head so that you put yourself in a bad place
Me: If your spouse does something for years then suddenly changes it puts you in a weird mindset. Especially when there’s no compromising or reason behind it.
Am I wrong ? Am I overreacting or acting controlling ? I just feel there was no explanation as to why especially when we’re not going through the best time in our marriage why wouldn’t you just want to put your wife’s mind at ease ??
his location was off before the Saturday night thing.. about a week before when he was at his moms he turned it off when he was home
Also I was typing this in an emotional state Saturday night he said he was drunk I told him just stay the night. I’ve told him that before and he never has he always said he would always find a way home to me even if that meant sobering up. After a few texts I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night . Idk if that changes anything I just thought it was important information that may need to be added….

My (26F) boyfriend (30M) and I have been together for three and a half years and his uncle is turning 60 this weekend. My boyfriend RSVP’d for both of us and told me about it like two weeks ago.
I have a good relationship with my boyfriend’s family however their idea of a “party” is drinking, smoking, and reminiscing about their school days until 5am. I hate this because I think smoking is gross, I wake up at 5am during the week, and my boyfriend normally abandons me so I’m forced to “socialize with his family” but then I have literally nothing to contribute to the conversation. Additionally, my boyfriend’s family speaks my second language and anyone who’s learned a language as an adult knows that group conversations are like the final boss.
In the time since my boyfriend RSVP’d, I’ve been horribly sick with a sinus infection and still really only feel 80%. Because I’m on antibiotics, I absolutely cannot drink alcohol and, even though my boyfriend has promised that we can leave around 1am, he’s promised this before and we’ve always ended up staying much later. WIBTAH if I just told my boyfriend I’m not going?

What reason would you have to keep talking to a woman, like almost 24/7? I been talking to this guy, conversation is wholesome and no sexual advances. Even when he's at work or playing his game he would still keep the call going. I tried asking him if we ever tried to be together, would he think that we would work-he replied yes. However, most of the time he would mention "I don't believe there's true love in dating apps" (we met in one) He would also say "I'm better off as a friend" His actions tho make me think that he likes me but, then he says all of those. That's why I'm wondering why is he keeping me around.
Back story: We started talking 3 years ago. He's in the US, I'm in the Philippines. He said he would visit here was implying that we should meet. I wasn't ready that time to meet him but I already liked him. Anyway, l asked him that we stop talking muna kasi nga I’m afraid that I would agree to meet him.
A month later (i think) I saw his IG story that he's back in the US. We got into talking again but, this time he said that he got back with his ex (from PH). So I decided to befriend him. Eventually, we drifted apart then one time i saw that we were no longer mutuals in any socmed.
Back to present year, I was about to delete my snap but i saw our conversation there. I decided to say hi to him since its been years since we talked. He replied back and thats how we reconnected. Now we're talking like we used to, as if years didn't pass by. Apparently, he and his gf back then didn’t work out (LDR moments). He said he tried to contact me after that but he couldn’t.

To the void, instead of your inbox, because I don't know if you ever want to hear from me again. But I can tell you precisely that my life is much worse for not having you in it.
I'm sorry I ran. Even if it would have been a difficult conversation, you deserved better than that. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us, and ended up destroying our friendship maybe entirely beyond repair.
I wish I could say that lashing out in such a... let's say unhinged manner was uncommon for me. It's not. I justified it because I was angry at you for not fighting to keep me in your life, which is silly when I told you that I didn't want you.
I do. I do want you. I still want you as much as the last day I saw you.
I lied to you about several things, but not the key features. Yes, my family are like that - but it isn't over, it's still going on, and I didn't want to catch you up in that mess. I stopped going to therapy because I stopped being able to afford it, not because I didn't want to get better. I tried to go back on meds but they wouldn't give me what I asked for and I don't want to try the same thing again and again.
Yes, it was yours. Definitely. But I have slept with someone else a few times, and all it told me was that I am so completely lost on anyone else since I met you. I spoke to many who insisted that I need to get under someone else to get over you, but all I want is to find peace by myself if I can't have you.
It was real. Are you seriously going to sit there and say it wasn't? If nothing else, you were my friend. I wanted to be closer to you. We fit together in ways I never expected to find and I never wanted to lose that. But I did, because I felt the depth of my love for you and thought you would never feel the same way.
But there are so many things that don't make sense, don't add up. Your logic is flawed and I feel responsible. At any point I could have sat down and told you exactly where I was at, like an actual human adult, but no. At least I could have made it clear just how much I didn't want to lose you.
You're still beautiful to me. I haven't seen you in half a year but I can still picture your face exactly. Your voice is still in the back of my head. Your touch lingers on my skin. I will never be free from you. And I don't want to be.
I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to walk away. I don't want you to move away and I don't want to never speak to you again. You are so important to me in ways I can't express in words. You took a chunk of my soul when you left me and now I will never get it back.
Heartbreak is inevitable. It builds us, it shapes us, it helps us grow into the people we were always meant to be. But my grief - the size of it, the insurmountable hill - comes from knowing that this was all preventable, had I taken a second out of my own head.
That I created the conditions of my own downfall. That a split second decision to send you a link smashed through any illusion that I am different. I left you, I abandoned you, when I was meant to be your friend and I know how much that hurts.
Every night I lie awake and hope that I get to see you once more before you go. I want you to remember what we have, and I want you to see my forgiveness in action. I want I want I want but I know I can't do anything.
I am powerless, but I made my bed.
And if I never see you again, your eyes and the way that they stared into my soul, seeing me in a way nobody else ever has, will be with me like a ghost behind my back until the day I die.
My broken heart will always love you in some little measure.

It's been 2 months since my baby passed. You know what I miss the most? I miss talking to him. I miss having full fledged conversations with him. It's not like he would respond or anything even when he was alive, but the lack of response now is more heartbreaking than ever before.
My partner and I are planning on getting married soon. We were supposed to be one big happy family. My partner, his dog, my dog and me. But now it's just me. My partner doesn't want another dog for at least another 5-10 years. Idk if I can do that. I had so many hopes and dreams built around the 4 of us traveling the world together, living our best life. I used to get extremely excited when I see any dog, Now it takes me effort to even look at another dog with love. I'm numb. It takes effort to feel anything when I see a dog.
I have mad anxiety. Whenever I was out, I used to worry about him. Now that I have nothing back home to worry about, I am worry about anything and everything. My anxiety and adhd have gotten worse since he died.
I don't know man. Nothing is the same anymore. He was with me only for 2 years. Yet, he has had an impact on my life that feels like it'll last a lifetime.
I just want to scream to the world that I miss him so much. But I can feel the people around me losing their patience with me constantly talking about him. I know it isn't going to get easier. I just wish I could skip to the part where it doesn't hurt so much.

English is not my first language so I use google translation. Please bear with me! 🙏🏼
I am a woman, 29, and have been in a lesbian relationship for three years. I am happy and secure with my girlfriend and our relationship, and we are soon getting married. I have never questioned my sexual orientation before or after meeting my girlfriend. Before her, I only dated guys, but when I met her, I just knew, She is my person.
We were friends for about 1.2 years and spent a lot of time together before I took the initiative to become more than friends. It wasn't easy at first, but because we had a strong friendship and knew each other well, we were able to build a stable relationship. Compared to my previous relationships where basic friendship and understanding or the desire to understand each other were lacking.
I have always had issues with guys, both in dating and friendship. Interests in my previous straight relationships started solely based on looks, and it really wasn't possible to just learn about them or hang out as friends, which never led anywhere. Stress and uncertainty in these relationships often made me feel like they were looking for something better. In some guy friend relationships, everything was cool until they got a girlfriend, and then it just went POOF in the air. 💔
Now I've started a new job where there's a guy who I initially found neutral, both in appearance and personality. I'm social and talk to EVERYONE at work, but I've noticed strange looks from colleagues when we interact. I didn't think much about it UNTIL during a shift when my colleagues moved him to my department three days in a row and seemed to expect a reaction from me when handing over information.

1. That made me start thinking more about him. There were no thoughts or feelings before this, so I'm not sure if I'm influenced by others. During the latest shift, I really felt a curious vibe and avoidant behavior between us. We avoided drawing attention, but I noticed that we often sought eye contact with each other.

We haven't really talked much, 2. which might be why I can't shake off the attraction and curiosity? Our conversations are always interesting and fun, even if they're about random things or work-related. I notice that we get looks when we're in the same room, so I try to keep it short and even avoid looking at him. We're both younger and good-looking compared to other colleagues, and we both seem aware of this and try to avoid drawing too much attention, even though we'd like to talk more (which we do as soon as there's no one nearby).
We work at a preschool, so I see how he interacts with the children and find him incredibly humble, which may contribute to the attraction. My confusion lies in not knowing if my attraction is 3. admiration for how good he is at his job, 4. if it's in a sexual way, or 5. if I find him interesting because of his calming energy, similar to that of my girlfriend. That's what got me interested in her.
I have ADHD and have struggled to understand and regulate my feelings on and off, and I'm not sure if this is something I need to confront or if I'm just influenced by my surroundings. I feel guilty and wonder if this is cheating on my girlfriend. Should I feel this way or not? Sooner or later, I will tell her everything because we have never kept anything secret from each other. I have been thinking, analyzing, and speculating about this for several days now. As I said before, I have never questioned my sexual orientation and have always found masculine women (like my girlfriend, who is androgynous) and humble men attractive when it comes to sexual attraction.
HOWEVER, one thing I have been thinking about for a long time since my twenties, when it comes to making friends of the opposite sex, it seems like we've been indoctrinated by norms and movies to believe that if two attractive individuals talk or hang out with each other or have chemistry, there "must be something romantic or sexual there". This frustrates me when I don't have that intuition?? And maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't have many guy friends. BUT I also get confused and conflicted when I find a guy interesting and maybe just want to be friends with him, as in this situation. That these norms haunt me. AND When it comes to making female friends, you don't get treated the same way by your surroundings.
I have never been attracted to a person solely because of their appearance, but it's the person's personality and our chemistry that determine whether relationships stick or not.
I would appreciate hearing what you think and feel about my situation. Has anyone experienced this before? If so, what did you do and how did it turn out?

English is not my first language so I use google translation. Please bear with me! 🙏🏼
I am a woman, 29, and have been in a lesbian relationship for three years. I am happy and secure with my girlfriend and our relationship, and we are soon getting married. I have never questioned my sexual orientation before or after meeting my girlfriend. Before her, I only dated guys, but when I met her, I just knew, She is my person.
We were friends for about 1.2 years and spent a lot of time together before I took the initiative to become more than friends. It wasn't easy at first, but because we had a strong friendship and knew each other well, we were able to build a stable relationship. Compared to my previous relationships where basic friendship and understanding or the desire to understand each other were lacking.
I have always had issues with guys, both in dating and friendship. Interests in my previous straight relationships started solely based on looks, and it really wasn't possible to just learn about them or hang out as friends, which never led anywhere. Stress and uncertainty in these relationships often made me feel like they were looking for something better. In some guy friend relationships, everything was cool until they got a girlfriend, and then it just went POOF in the air. 💔
Now I've started a new job where there's a guy who I initially found neutral, both in appearance and personality. I'm social and talk to EVERYONE at work, but I've noticed strange looks from colleagues when we interact. I didn't think much about it UNTIL during a shift when my colleagues moved him to my department three days in a row and seemed to expect a reaction from me when handing over information.

1. That made me start thinking more about him. There were no thoughts or feelings before this, so I'm not sure if I'm influenced by others. During the latest shift, I really felt a curious vibe and avoidant behavior between us. We avoided drawing attention, but I noticed that we often sought eye contact with each other.

We haven't really talked much, 2. which might be why I can't shake off the attraction and curiosity? Our conversations are always interesting and fun, even if they're about random things or work-related. I notice that we get looks when we're in the same room, so I try to keep it short and even avoid looking at him. We're both younger and good-looking compared to other colleagues, and we both seem aware of this and try to avoid drawing too much attention, even though we'd like to talk more (which we do as soon as there's no one nearby).
We work at a preschool, so I see how he interacts with the children and find him incredibly humble, which may contribute to the attraction. My confusion lies in not knowing if my attraction is 3. admiration for how good he is at his job, 4. if it's in a sexual way, or 5. if I find him interesting because of his calming energy, similar to that of my girlfriend. That's what got me interested in her.
I have ADHD and have struggled to understand and regulate my feelings on and off, and I'm not sure if this is something I need to confront or if I'm just influenced by my surroundings. I feel guilty and wonder if this is cheating on my girlfriend. Should I feel this way or not? Sooner or later, I will tell her everything because we have never kept anything secret from each other. I have been thinking, analyzing, and speculating about this for several days now. As I said before, I have never questioned my sexual orientation and have always found masculine women (like my girlfriend, who is androgynous) and humble men attractive when it comes to sexual attraction.
HOWEVER, one thing I have been thinking about for a long time since my twenties, when it comes to making friends of the opposite sex, it seems like we've been indoctrinated by norms and movies to believe that if two attractive individuals talk or hang out with each other or have chemistry, there "must be something romantic or sexual there". This frustrates me when I don't have that intuition?? And maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't have many guy friends. BUT I also get confused and conflicted when I find a guy interesting and maybe just want to be friends with him, as in this situation. That these norms haunt me. AND When it comes to making female friends, you don't get treated the same way by your surroundings.
I have never been attracted to a person solely because of their appearance, but it's the person's personality and our chemistry that determine whether relationships stick or not.
I would appreciate hearing what you think and feel about my situation. Has anyone experienced this before? If so, what did you do and how did it turn out?

So, I was sitting in the office working on a file, my colleague on my left side and the AC which is on the right wall hits us in our direction more compared to the colleagues who are seated more towards the right side. It tended to make us more chilly than them sometimes.
I loved making small talk with her and lightly flirting, never going overboard. She mostly responded positively and remarked once that we have chemistry together. So, I say to an intern sitting on the rightmost side that day that I was feeling cold and would like to move to his position and he agreed. As he was getting up, so was I and in that moment, my colleague suddenly grabbed the back of my palm, more specifically the bare forearm area around the wrist and held onto it firmly. I turn to face her while sitting down and we make eye contact. In that moment, she says “let me” and then gets up and moves to that seat herself.
I was somewhat taken aback and a couple seconds later say “I was supposed to sit there”, to which she said why while smiling and I didn’t say anything in response. She giggled and we just resumed our respective work. Ever since that day, I have been feeling a little differently about her. We didn’t share many office days since then and I get the jitters when i think about her. I just get awkward and red.
I just wish to know from any armchair psychologists here if that meant anything and if I should make a move or something. I wasn’t as shy around her before this happened. The way she grabbed me and held onto my arm just made me feel something. All I want to know is if I am overthinking this moment.

We’ve been together for 10 months and he’s been perfect, more than what I expected. He’s logical, he knows a lot and taught me about a lot of things. He opens doors for me, He gives me first bites of everything, he prioritises what I want to eat, where I want to go, how we spend our time, he holds me close whenever wherever, in front of his family, his friends, anyone. He craves quality time with me. He’s ALWAYS available whenever I need him. He stays with me until our problem is solved, in fact he’s the one that always wants to resolve conflict before the day ends. He’s got friends, but he always prioritise me over them. He’s willing to convert to my religion for me. His routine consist of work, home, me.
I’m aware he’s a gem, he’s a rare old soul and I love him with all my heart and soul. Like he does, I also give my all for him. He’s becoming my lifestyle and I prioritise him over everything. I find myself changing for the better with him. I make sure he knows my love through words and actions. I don’t care what people see, I make statement that he’s mine whenever we go out, proudly.
I thought my life has been too good to be true. I thought I hit the jackpot in life. I’ve imagined our future together when we get married. We talk about our future often, we talk about marriage and we both agree we want it soon. I thought I’d be in a new chapter next year, so did he. He’s my first, and I am his. At our age it’s not easy to be someone’s first.
But he betrayed me when he was drunk. I’ve told him I wanted to wait for marriage, but he betrayed me.
Before getting into this, I need to point out that during our early stage, we were physical but not too much. I was only comfortable with touch outside of clothes. I made that clear to him although when we get physical he does play around to reach inside, which I’d playfully stop him. But whenever we fall asleep together, I find him reaching inside my clothes and pants. I pretended to be asleep and multiple times this happens. Until one day I hear a camera sound. Then I woke up and I called him out. I left him to cool myself down. When we face each other again, he cried. He said he’s truly sorry and would never do it again. At the same time I felt bad because it’s such a normal thing that people his age would have access to and I’m limiting him of it. So I accepted his apology and at the time I was ready to move to next stage, so I let him do what he wants except one, penetration before marriage. I feel like I’ve never gotten closure on whether or not its something that he’d repeat again, because I lift the restriction for him forever.
Back to current event, we recently got drunk and I was unconscious. He was also drunk but pulled himself together to direct us to our hotel. When I woke up, my clothes were off, but panties. And I felt him pulling it off, and I was petrified. Long story short, he tried penetrating me with what I believe was his finger, though he failed multiple times. He tried to stroke in twice with his penis, but it failed to go in and slid up instead. I do know he was trying to lubricate me using his ways, and finally when I feel like he’s about to succeed, I pushed him away. He stops and fell straight to sleep, till the morning.
I broke up with him on the day. He’s been apologising, and he was drunk and doesn’t know why he couldn’t keep himself together, he told me tried so hard but he kept coming back. He said he really wants me. He said it might’ve been the whole vibe that we were in. He owns up to all his faults, even through text message. He’s willing to quit alcohol once and for all, he’s been begging me ever since.
I love him so much. But I’m afraid of his conscience that seems to be low. I know he’s sorry and remorseful, but this is something that should have never happened in the first place. I’m thinking if he could do this to me, during our best relationship phase. What could he do, during our stagnant phase if it were to ever come?
I want to break up with him for good out of fear. But at the same time, I’m starting to think that he has some sexual control issue. I know our sexual chemistry match really well. Our drive is very much similar. We both love it. It’s just that I seem to have more ability to wait until marriage than him. What if this issue is not because he doesn’t respect me, but he’s actually struggling to control it and needs my help?
He’s someone who’s happy to compromise, he loves vaping, but I told him of my worry with the dangers it comes with. He’s willing to tone it down slowly and working on stopping. The point that he completely stopped was due to the price increase, which he can afford, but he thinks it’s ridiculous. So in my eyes, if it’s something like that, he’s able to compromise. He’s also fasted for a whole month for me, he didn’t have to but to get along with my religion, he did. I know it’s not something easy. No water, no food, especially when he works in carpentry which is physical work. So I know he’s got the ability to compromise. He’s been trying to compromise with my wants regarding sex. What if he’s really got some mental issue about control with sex? What do I do? One of the thing that he said to me, was I don’t know how he felt at the time, which to me means it was crazily uncontrollable. That’s why I’m having benefit of the doubt for him.
If anyone had similar experience, please do tell me. I really need help.

English is not my first language so I use google translation. Please bear with me! 🙏🏼
I am a woman, 29, and have been in a lesbian relationship for three years. I am happy and secure with my girlfriend and our relationship, and we are soon getting married. I have never questioned my sexual orientation before or after meeting my girlfriend. Before her, I only dated guys, but when I met her, I just knew, She is my person.
We were friends for about 1.2 years and spent a lot of time together before I took the initiative to become more than friends. It wasn't easy at first, but because we had a strong friendship and knew each other well, we were able to build a stable relationship. Compared to my previous relationships where basic friendship and understanding or the desire to understand each other were lacking.
I have always had issues with guys, both in dating and friendship. Interests in my previous straight relationships started solely based on looks, and it really wasn't possible to just learn about them or hang out as friends, which never led anywhere. Stress and uncertainty in these relationships often made me feel like they were looking for something better. In some guy friend relationships, everything was cool until they got a girlfriend, and then it just went POOF in the air. 💔
Now I've started a new job where there's a guy who I initially found neutral, both in appearance and personality. I'm social and talk to EVERYONE at work, but I've noticed strange looks from colleagues when we interact. I didn't think much about it UNTIL during a shift when my colleagues moved him to my department three days in a row and seemed to expect a reaction from me when handing over information.

1. That made me start thinking more about him. There were no thoughts or feelings before this, so I'm not sure if I'm influenced by others. During the latest shift, I really felt a curious vibe and avoidant behavior between us. We avoided drawing attention, but I noticed that we often sought eye contact with each other.

We haven't really talked much, 2. which might be why I can't shake off the attraction and curiosity? Our conversations are always interesting and fun, even if they're about random things or work-related. I notice that we get looks when we're in the same room, so I try to keep it short and even avoid looking at him. We're both younger and good-looking compared to other colleagues, and we both seem aware of this and try to avoid drawing too much attention, even though we'd like to talk more (which we do as soon as there's no one nearby).
We work at a preschool, so I see how he interacts with the children and find him incredibly humble, which may contribute to the attraction. My confusion lies in not knowing if my attraction is 3. admiration for how good he is at his job, 4. if it's in a sexual way, or 5. if I find him interesting because of his calming energy, similar to that of my girlfriend. That's what got me interested in her.
I have ADHD and have struggled to understand and regulate my feelings on and off, and I'm not sure if this is something I need to confront or if I'm just influenced by my surroundings. I feel guilty and wonder if this is cheating on my girlfriend. Should I feel this way or not? Sooner or later, I will tell her everything because we have never kept anything secret from each other. I have been thinking, analyzing, and speculating about this for several days now. As I said before, I have never questioned my sexual orientation and have always found masculine women (like my girlfriend, who is androgynous) and humble men attractive when it comes to sexual attraction.
HOWEVER, one thing I have been thinking about for a long time since my twenties, when it comes to making friends of the opposite sex, it seems like we've been indoctrinated by norms and movies to believe that if two attractive individuals talk or hang out with each other or have chemistry, there "must be something romantic or sexual there". This frustrates me when I don't have that intuition?? And maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't have many guy friends. BUT I also get confused and conflicted when I find a guy interesting and maybe just want to be friends with him, as in this situation. That these norms haunt me. AND When it comes to making female friends, you don't get treated the same way by your surroundings.
I have never been attracted to a person solely because of their appearance, but it's the person's personality and our chemistry that determine whether relationships stick or not.
I would appreciate hearing what you think and feel about my situation. Has anyone experienced this before? If so, what did you do and how did it turn out?

pregnant & alone
I don’t know why I’m posting in here. I just feel as if I’ve reached rock bottom.
I’ve (F, 24) been a “situationship” with J (M, 29) for two years now. We met on a dating app and have been sleeping together since. Since the beginning he has made it clear he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, but as time went on we spent more and more nights together and agreed we wouldn’t sleep with other people.
It changed from just sex- to spending three to four nights together starting in September of last year. We’d cook together, watch movies, and sleep together. We had a routine and spent more nights together than not.
Last year, we gave the relationship thing a go- he’d told me he had wanted to be with me one other time but had changed his mind a week later, so I was tentative to say the least. I met his family and I was so happy he finally was seeing me. He ended it two months later, but nothing really changed between us. We kept on spending just as much time together.
Ive tried to get out of the situation, I honestly have. But I love him and I felt like anything was better than nothing. I think I secretly felt like maybe he loved me too but wouldn’t admit it to himself. It is pathetic tbh and I know this.
Flash forward to March- he knocked me up. I took a plan B- it didn’t work. I didn’t find out for a while and when I did I told him. He told me I should get an abortion and that all I’ve been is a place holder. He told me he was gonna end things as soon as he found a woman that he “actually likes.”
I left for a couple weeks- while I was gone he seemed to have a slight change of heart. He asked me to move into his spare room in his place to help me while I’m pregnant and with the baby.
When I came back we decided to see each other.. we did our usual thing, I read my book and he did his puzzle. I decided to head up to bed and when I did I saw an opened condom wrapper on the floor. I went downstairs and confronted him and he told me that three days after I told him I was pregnant he picked up a girl at a bar and took her home
I wasn’t shocked but I was heart broken. I spent all night crying. I have his baby in my belly. We’ve been “together” for almost two years and he chooses to go out and fuck some girl right when he finds out. The most pathetic thing about it is I stayed the night after I found out. I stayed in his bed and in the morning I saw her hair on my pillow and I felt like I was going to throw up. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to handle this pregnancy. I know most people here are going to tell me to abort but I ’ve seen the baby on the ultrasound kicking its little legs already and I won’t end this pregnancy. I love them already.
He already has another baby who will be two years old this Summer. He’s done this before, but with her it was a one night stand. He doesn’t want to be with either of us.
I just feel so inadequate. I don’t feel lovable. I wonder if I’m not pretty enough or what I’m lacking. I know I need to grow in self love. I know I need to detach. Rationally I know these things but I don’t know how to- if I did I wouldn’t be pregnant. I wish I respected myself enough to walk away but I feel stuck. I just want to be loved and supported and it hurts so badly. My dating life is over, I’m going to be a full time mom- I’ll have custody. My body will change. My everything will change, and he just gets to do what he wants, go to bars, fuck women … whatever. Without repercussion.
I want to point out that I gave him the option to not be involved in the babies life since he doesn’t want to be and he’s insistent that he will be present. I want to be a good mom but since that night I can hardly get out bed. I don’t know how to coparent with someone like this. The situation just keeps playing over in my head and I feel physically sick and I don’t know how to get out of this hole and over him. I should hate him but I don’t.
Advice wise- hit me with the best you got. How do I get over this? How do I detatch? How do I deal with the fact that I have to coparent with a man who is fucking other women while I’m pregnant? I’m heartbroken.

English is not my first language so I use google translation. Please bear with me! 🙏🏼
I am a woman, 29, and have been in a lesbian relationship for three years. I am happy and secure with my girlfriend and our relationship, and we are soon getting married. I have never questioned my sexual orientation before or after meeting my girlfriend. Before her, I only dated guys, but when I met her, I just knew, She is my person.
We were friends for about 1.2 years and spent a lot of time together before I took the initiative to become more than friends. It wasn't easy at first, but because we had a strong friendship and knew each other well, we were able to build a stable relationship. Compared to my previous relationships where basic friendship and understanding or the desire to understand each other were lacking.
I have always had issues with guys, both in dating and friendship. Interests in my previous straight relationships started solely based on looks, and it really wasn't possible to just learn about them or hang out as friends, which never led anywhere. Stress and uncertainty in these relationships often made me feel like they were looking for something better. In some guy friend relationships, everything was cool until they got a girlfriend, and then it just went POOF in the air. 💔
Now I've started a new job where there's a guy who I initially found neutral, both in appearance and personality. I'm social and talk to EVERYONE at work, but I've noticed strange looks from colleagues when we interact. I didn't think much about it UNTIL during a shift when my colleagues moved him to my department three days in a row and seemed to expect a reaction from me when handing over information.

1. That made me start thinking more about him. There were no thoughts or feelings before this, so I'm not sure if I'm influenced by others. During the latest shift, I really felt a curious vibe and avoidant behavior between us. We avoided drawing attention, but I noticed that we often sought eye contact with each other.

We haven't really talked much, 2. which might be why I can't shake off the attraction and curiosity? Our conversations are always interesting and fun, even if they're about random things or work-related. I notice that we get looks when we're in the same room, so I try to keep it short and even avoid looking at him. We're both younger and good-looking compared to other colleagues, and we both seem aware of this and try to avoid drawing too much attention, even though we'd like to talk more (which we do as soon as there's no one nearby).
We work at a preschool, so I see how he interacts with the children and find him incredibly humble, which may contribute to the attraction. My confusion lies in not knowing if my attraction is 3. admiration for how good he is at his job, 4. if it's in a sexual way, or 5. if I find him interesting because of his calming energy, similar to that of my girlfriend. That's what got me interested in her.
I have ADHD and have struggled to understand and regulate my feelings on and off, and I'm not sure if this is something I need to confront or if I'm just influenced by my surroundings. I feel guilty and wonder if this is cheating on my girlfriend. Should I feel this way or not? Sooner or later, I will tell her everything because we have never kept anything secret from each other. I have been thinking, analyzing, and speculating about this for several days now. As I said before, I have never questioned my sexual orientation and have always found masculine women (like my girlfriend, who is androgynous) and humble men attractive when it comes to sexual attraction.
HOWEVER, one thing I have been thinking about for a long time since my twenties, when it comes to making friends of the opposite sex, it seems like we've been indoctrinated by norms and movies to believe that if two attractive individuals talk or hang out with each other or have chemistry, there "must be something romantic or sexual there". This frustrates me when I don't have that intuition?? And maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't have many guy friends. BUT I also get confused and conflicted when I find a guy interesting and maybe just want to be friends with him, as in this situation. That these norms haunt me. AND When it comes to making female friends, you don't get treated the same way by your surroundings.
I have never been attracted to a person solely because of their appearance, but it's the person's personality and our chemistry that determine whether relationships stick or not.
I would appreciate hearing what you think and feel about my situation. Has anyone experienced this before? If so, what did you do and how did it turn out?

My exgirlfriend blindsided me and broke up with me for about five months ago. We had been together for six years. The last year we’ve bought a house and was financially very limited. I got very frustrated about the entire situation since my exgirlfriend prioritized going out partying every time she got the opportunity. I was cool with it however since she kinda always been like that but I didn’t expect it to continue when we moved to our house.
So when she broke up she told me she wanted to be alone and to find herself. Yesterday I found out that she had a new boyfriend and that she knew him from work since two years. It probably got romantic about two months ago.
I know I can’t do anything about this. But what kind of mindset should I have to continue living? I feel like a lot of my identity is surrounded around her.

Honor Violence: And why nobody should demand respect

Honor violence is a sort of violence committed where the perpetrator's goal is to regain his tribe's honor, his family's honor, and his own honor. In most cases it’s planned by a family, and committed by one or more men of that family, to a woman of the family who has done or suspected to have done something against cultural or religious norms like rejecting an arranged marriage, or adopting a Western lifestyle. What's worse is that the family helps the perpetrators avoid justice by helping them flee the country. It’s a huge problem in Islamic communities[1], among others, and it’s something that doesn’t exist at all in so many other communities.
Now before I talk about the kind of thinking that is causing these behaviors, I want to clarify some things. First of all, Islam, at least according to the Quran, does not advocate honor violence. Second, honor violence is a tradition that existed in the deserts of today's Saudi Arabia long before Islam. Third, Arab Muslims spread Islam along with their traditions (including honor violence) to a huge proportion of the world (although, I don't doubt that other cultures already had the tradition of honor violence).
What kind of thinking causes a person to commit honor violence?
There are three flaws to discuss here. The main flaw is violent intolerance of dissenters -- the idea that it's best for a person to initiate violence on another person because he has dissenting ideas or actions. A second flaw is the idea that a person's social status is important and should be sought after and preserved. And a third flaw is that a person's social status should be, in any way, linked with his family's, and tribe's social status. An important thing to note here is that these flaws are connected. To clarify, I'm not talking about which flaw is more or less to blame for a person committing honor violence. What I'm talking about is that all of these flaws must be there, in order for a person to think it's best for him to commit honor violence (i.e. for him to want to commit honor violence).
The least bad of these flaws can be explained by answering the question, why do some people care about having respect from their peers? What's the point of it? What problem is it intended to solve? One way to approach this problem is to think about why some people get offended. Consider that when somebody perceives that he has been disrespected, he gets offended, and he may respond in a way to regain respect.
Fallibility and first impressions
One problem with thinking in terms of being respected, is that people are often wrong in their interpretations of other people’s actions and intentions. Often people perceive that they’ve been disrespected, when the person had no intention of disrespecting anybody. Most of the time it’s a case of jumping to conclusions. In other words, the person is not thinking terms of innocent until proven guilty. The thing is that we’re all fallible, meaning that it’s possible, and very common, that we are wrong about our ideas. But a lot of people are not familiar with the idea of checking for other possible interpretations and critically questioning them as a means of avoiding jumping to conclusions, as a means of finding the correct interpretation.
One common first interpretation that people make is that someone wants to hurt them, or to make them lose in some way. But this is a bad way to think about people’s actions because some people don’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone lose anything. So assuming that there is always malicious intent is a mistake because it ignores all the cases where there isn’t malicious intent. So it's not giving the person the benefit of the doubt.
This way of thinking, of always assuming that there is malicious intent, sees human interactions as win/lose. But this is a mistake. It’s entirely possible, and desirable, for human interactions to be win/win, for everybody to get what they want and nobody loses anything they want -- there is no law of nature preventing it from happening.[2] This is a special case of the idea that 'all problems are soluble'.[3]
So the better way to think about human interactions is that win/win situations are possible, where the people involved share the same primary goal of everybody winning, of everybody getting what they want. Now it is true that sometimes a person is trying to make you lose something, or otherwise hurt you, so it’s important to try to look out for this as a means of protecting yourself from harm.
One common misinterpretation people make is to treat a criticism of an idea or an action as a personal attack. But this is a mistake because a criticism is an explanation of a flaw in an idea, so criticizing the idea does not make the holder of the idea lose anything. In fact, criticism helps a person go from wrong to right. It helps him change his mind. It helps him find the truth, which is a great thing! So why perceive it as an attack? The person loses nothing. He only stands to gain (the truth!).
So consider a situation where you're presented with a criticism of your idea. If you agree with it, you stand to gain the truth, and if you disagree with it, you stand to lose nothing. So with criticism you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. So giving and receiving criticism is win/win.
Some common responses people make to criticism is to say "that hurts my feelings," "I'm offended by that," and "that's insulting!" These people respond in this way to communicate that the other person is wrong in some way. But that's not a valid argument -- it's not objective. A person's feelings can't be used as a standard for judging the truth. What's needed is an explanation, one that doesn't depend on a person's feelings. And on a related note, if your feelings are hurt by the truth, then what you can do is ignore the truth (not something I advise), or you can change your feelings about the truth. But what you shouldn't be doing is pressuring people to hide the truth.
Now some people mistake personal attacks for criticism. But calling somebody stupid because he believes an idea does not constitute a criticism. It’s not an explanation of a flaw in an idea. Instead it's an attack on the holder of the idea. And it’s designed for only one purpose, to hurt. People who make personal attacks instead of arguments see human interactions as win/lose. And this is where the idea of respect comes in. The personal attacks are about disrespecting the person. But why would anybody want to do that? What’s the point? What problem does it solve?
Truth-seeking vs Status-seeking
Something closely connected to the win/lose attitude is the status-seeking attitude. People with this attitude think in terms of people having social status, and getting more of it, or keeping the amount they currently have, is something they want. So if a person with the status-seeking attitude tries to disrespect another person, they perceive it as raising their own status while necessarily lowering the other person’s status, hence win/lose. The rest of us, who see human interaction as win/win, see the world in terms of truth. We are truth-seekers instead of status-seekers. We seek cooperative interactions instead of adversarial ones.
To get a better understanding of the difference between truth-seeking and status-seeking, let's consider how they differ in the way they work. Status-based thinking means judging ideas by figuring out how much status the ideas have. In contrast, truth-based thinking means judging ideas by their merit. As I explained in _Atheism: The faith of intellectuals?_, judging ideas by status means believing ideas by looking for confirmation, while judging by merit means believing ideas only after they have survived all known criticism.
As an example, imagine a guy hearing that somebody said something that he perceived as an insult to his parent, and he felt hurt by it. This means he's thinking with the status-seeking attitude instead of the truth-seeking attitude. So he is caring about having social status, and one extra flaw is that he thinks his social status is connected to the status of his parents. And so if he perceives that somebody has insulted his parent, he perceives this as a lowering of his parent’s status, which he also perceives as his own status being lowered. So he is hurt (feels disrespected) by this. He thinks that the "insulter" intentionally did it to try to hurt him, or otherwise make him lose something. But it's a mistake to make such an assumption because the "insulter" may have had no such intention -- maybe he was a truth-seeker not a status-seeker. The truth-seeking attitude does not cause this problem. A truth-seeker thinks like this: "Hmm. Somebody has said something bad about my mom. I wonder if the thing he said is truthful, or not. If it’s truthful, then my mom is bad, and I should talk to her about fixing her error so that she can improve, so I'm glad that he said it because it revealed an opportunity to improve, YAY!! And if it’s not truthful, then maybe this guy is a fool and I don't care what fools think, or maybe he's just mistaken so there's no reason to mind it because mistakes are common." So the truth-seeking attitude doesn’t produce the feeling of being insulted/disrespected. Only the status-seeking attitude does that.
The status-based attitude is one that is shared by many cultures. In gang culture, individuals each have an amount of status that they intend to keep. For this reason, if a gang member perceives that somebody has disrespected him, he sees this as his status being lowered while the other guy’s status being raised. And in an effort to regain his status, he may retaliate with physical violence. So here the gang member is committing two flaws -- demanding respect, and violent intolerance of dissenters.
There are lots of other examples of this. In tribal cultures, an individual’s status is partly determined by how much status his tribe has. For this reason, if a tribesman perceives that somebody has disrespected a member of his tribe, he sees this as his own status being lowered because he sees his tribe’s status being lowered. Now imagine a situation where somebody perceives that the king of his tribe (like Prophet Mohamed) has been disrespected. He would be very offended by this. And if he also has the violent-intolerant attitude too, and if the circumstances were opportune, then he would initiate violence in his misguided attempt to regain respect for his family, and by association, for himself.
Another example is honor violence within a family, or community. If a man thinks that his status is lowered if his daughter does something against his community’s religious norms, and if he also has the violent-intolerant attitude, then he may initiate violence if she commits such an act, as a means to preserve his family's status in the community, and by association, his own status. I should clarify that what usually happens is the family plans this together, where one person does the murder, and then the family helps him avoid the police, say by helping him leave the country.
What's interesting about the status-based idea is that it denies that respect should be earned. A person thinking like this may be in the wrong, and know it, and still demand to be treated as though he is in the right. Street thugs do it when they violently demand respect. Authoritative parents do it when they say 'Don't argue with me' to their kids. Some husbands do it when they expect their wives to side with them in social situations even when they are in the wrong. And some Muslim men do it when they commit honor violence.
The status-based attitude rears it’s ugly head in people’s politics too. These people align themselves politically by their tribal origin (status), rather than by their ideas (merit). It’s ugly because it’s not based on the truth, and because it means the person is unwilling to consider changing his mind about his politics -- because you can’t change your tribal origin. Judging ideas by status means that if you find out that you’re wrong, you’re going to deny it and claim that you’re right, and demand respect too. This way of thinking means no possibility of changing your political affiliation even if you were given devastating criticism of your political ideas. In contrast, judging ideas by merit means that you're willing to change your mind if you find out that you’re wrong. And this way of thinking means the possibility of changing your political affiliation.
Another way to describe the truth-seeking and status-seeking attitudes is like this. Truth-seeking means approaching problems as though the person does not yet have the truth, which is why he is seeking the truth. Status-seeking means approaching problems as though the person already has the truth, which is why he isn't seeking the truth, and instead he is seeking confirmation of what he already believes to be true. Note how the truth-seeking attitude accounts for the fact that it's possible one's ideas are in error, while the status-seeking attitude does not account for that fact. So somebody who is applying the status-seeking attitude is acting like he is infallible/omniscient. He's acting like he thinks he's God.
Rational people vs irrational people
Another way to describe the truth-seeking attitude is to describe the people who have it, rational people. As Elliot Temple explained [4]:

So a rational person sees criticism as win/win because it's part of his truth-seeking attitude. So when he gets criticism of his ideas, actions, or feelings, he doesn't interpret it as a personal attack (win/lose) and instead he tries to judge the criticism in order to try to extract value from it. He sees criticism as a good thing because he knows that criticism leads to further evolution of his knowledge. He sees criticism as necessary to improve himself, so he willingly seeks it out and enjoys thinking about it.
As I mentioned before, a common mistake people make is in how they interpret criticism of ideas. They see it as their person being criticized, rather than the idea alone being criticized. They misinterpret this because they consider some of their ideas to be static -- they are attached to them. They consider these ideas to be part of their identity -- something they refuse to even consider changing. And if you criticize one of these ideas they are attached to, since they consider that idea as part of their identify, they interpret your actions as an attack on their person. And in retaliation, they may call you out to be arrogant and condescending, or cuss you out, or initiate violence, as an attack back at you, in their misguided attempt at self-defense.
So the status-based attitude is what causes people to care about honor (i.e. social status). They have an intense desire for status, and it can pervade practically all of their thinking. Now in tribal cultures, another flaw they have aside from this status-seeking attitude, is that a person's social status should be linked to his family and tribe. And in some tribal cultures, especially the ones where Islam is dominant, they have a strong tradition linking their status with the women of their tribe. Now, combine this status-seeking attitude and these other flaws, together with the attitude that it's morally right to initiate violence in response to a dissenter, and what you have is somebody willing to commit honor violence (including honor killings) against his daughters, sisters, and other female members of his community, and on anybody who he perceives to be lowering his status/respect/honor.
On a final note, I should clarify something about the relationship between the individual and the community. It is true that a man who commits honor violence is being pressured by his family to commit the violence as a means of preserving their social status, but whether or not he acts on that pressure, or even feels that pressure, depends on his ideas. Will he care what his family and community thinks? Well, in those communities a lot of the opportunities for a man, like getting married or having a good job, depends on the status of his family and his tribe. So if a woman taints his family's status, and if he doesn't remove that taint by killing her, then he'll lose those opportunities. But so what? He could forego all of those "opportunities" by fleeing the country with his daughter. If he doesn't do that, it's because of his evil ideas. Pressure from society is not a defense! Individuals are responsible for their actions regardless of the "pressures" from their communities.
——————————————————————
[1] _Honor Killings Go Beyond Mere Homocide_, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Also see The AHA Foundation on Honor Violence.
[2] See _The Beginning of Infinity_, Chapter 9: Optimism, by David Deutsch.
[3] See _All problems are soluble_, by Elliot Temple. Also see [2].
[4] _Rational People_, by Elliot Temple.
^{Originally published in 2014}

Let me give some backstory. My partner and I have been together for the past just over four years. We are extremely close and have been for the duration of our relationship. For the past 6-8 months, things between us have been really rocky. She would get frustrated at things my friends would say - and then expect me to deal with it. An example of this would be watching the Superbowl. She came over and read her book while my 12 other friends were watching the game. I had no problem with this since she was spending time with me and my friends which I greatly appreciated but one my friends asked her, "Why are you here if you're going to read?" This upset her because she didn't like the sport and wanted to read instead (which again is fine by me). However, that same friend would make rude jokes to her that night like, "He (meaning me) should play the field" or something alluding to dating other people. It upset her that I didn't say something immediately to him but I wasn't paying attention to what he was saying and I was focused on cooking for 12 people so I missed it. I was also running in and out of rooms - this was hard because I felt like I couldn't do anything in that situation other than not spend more time with that friend or I should focus on her when I invite my friends over. If the latter is the case, I'd keep them separate but that isn't healthy and I know that.
Then comes our recent threesome. For the past year and half, my girlfriend has wanted to try a threesome. She is bisexual and wanted to bring in another woman into the bedroom. I was hesitant at first, because I didn't want to. I didn't really have any strong desire to see someone else. She kept asking me and eventually I just gave in thinking I might have a good time. I really hoped this could be a good experience for both of us. She found the person and we set up a date to meet. That night, we were all together in bed. I could not perform (get hard) and I was sitting there trying to get in the mood but it just never happened - my girlfriend got eaten out and vice versa. So they had a good time. I thought okay maybe it was first time jitters - I wanted to try it again to have a good experience. It wasn't till we met up again that everything clicked. The third person we met wasn't interested in me and I picked up on that. She wasn't interested in me the first time either, but I just didn't notice as much until this time. I recognized this and asked to leave. Girlfriend was getting eaten out, so I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I said it again - I was very annoyed, she was still getting eaten out. Not only that I asked to leave but that we agreed we wouldn't do things without the other one there (me being in the bathroom). We finally left after much needed urgency on my part. In the car, she was crying about how we left early without any aftercare for the third and here I was just miserable. I couldn't enjoy either experience but she got to enjoy both. This happened almost a month ago. I know I put myself into the situation twice but I'm just so disappointed how each time went. I'm uncomfortable with being sexual with her now. I am also extremely insecure, more now than I have been in years.
One more issue, we have very different opinions on what to do while sick. I come from a family of doctors who do things when we are sick. I trust these people - not only are they my family - but they are also specialists in their field who can tell me what to do to get healthy. My girlfriend on the other hand, does not trust my family with her health. I understand this - in the sense that you want to have your own doctors' take care of you - cool no problem. She believes my family is "bias" when it comes to treatment. My family aren't psychologists so not sure how that really applies with general treatment of illnesses. Nonetheless, we have a differing view of how to get better. She always tells me that it is her body her choice. 100% respect that. When it comes to my own health, I will, at least going forward, put my health first and not see her if she is sick. We don't live together. It's just stressful and anxiety producing. She claims that I come from a place of superiority and when I talk about health stuff and that I always talk with certainty. I agree with her, and I do because I am able to ask my family - who are medical professionals and specialists what to do. They are specialists who know how to handle illness. I am working on improving my communication and how I can better support her.
With all of these issues in our relationship, I have considered ending things with her. is my relationship salvageable? Greatly appreciate any feedback

Hello, My 35F(me) friend 34F is married to a guy 41M. They have been together for two periods one point for 5 years and then they broke up for a year then are together for another 7 years and have gotten married since. There relationship has gotten pretty Rocky as my friend is being falsely accused of cheating and their husband is using that for leverage to file for divorce. My friends husband has been using the word divorce a lot lately.
Before they got together the second time I was in a very short one week long relationship with her current husband.I wasn’t close with my current friend and at the time I didn’t realize that they would end up getting back together nor did I realize there was ever even a long relationships history. They introduced us, but I thought their relationship was just a short fling at the time, as my friend barely talked to me about it since we had just started becoming friends. I learned much a few months later that their previous relationship was in anyway significant.
In terms of their divorce one of the issues that my friends husband continue to throw in my friends face is that they are transparent about everything, however they have hid this from my friend as well.
I never told my friend this and I kinda feel like I should. I would never have any interest in rekindling, anything with her husband and at the time I didn’t know they would end up together again at all.
I want to say something in the spirit of transparency, but I don’t want to do something that will throw a wrench in their already fragile relationship.
It kinda feels like it would do more harm than good and it feels kinda selfish to say something now. Should I tell my friend about my history with her current husband or let it be since the relationship was only a week long and meaningless.
Question: What is the best way to tackle this?

Burner account
My (32F) brother's fiance, Chelsea (32 also), does not fit in well with our family. She's very loud and has never had a full-time job. Both my parents are in their mid-60s and continue to work full-time, with no ability to retire. I know her family has struggled even more financially. My parents have always been very kind to Chelsea, though blow-ups have happened with my Dad related to her chronic cannabis use and financial decision making
She and my brother announced their engagement around 2-3 years ago. This led to some intense planning and spending, despite their lack of money. Shortly after, they announce she is pregnant. They end up cancelling the reception, but only after losing the deposit. The baby has since been born.
Because we want people to have somewhere to go after their ceremony, my Dad offers to host a barbecue for them. Chelsea is initially hesitant, but eventually gets on board and creates a Facebook group with everyone she wants invited (including our extended family). She insists we not refer to the event as the "reception" because she still believes they will have the reception they intended at some point. She makes it clear in the group that we are planning the event. My parents and I get together and clarify roles. The budget is coming out at a couple thousand when you include food, chair rentals, etc. I make a website where people can RSVP.
I post the RSVP link to the Facebook group. Very shortly after, she starts peppering me with questions about food, etc. She seems pleased with my responses.
Then she asks, "is it gonna be a BOYB kinda thing or if were gonna be providing the alcohol?"
It's 7:00 in the morning. I inform her that we aren't providing alcohol and that my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns.
She absolutely explodes and sends me a slew of messages. Here are the highlights: - a dry "reception" is stupid - no one will come if the event is dry - if people can't drink they will smoke tonnes of cannabis - my family is judgemental - it's not what she had envisioned for her day ("MY day")
I weather the comments, telling her to talk it over with my brother and bring up her concerns with my Dad.
She then says that if there is no alcohol there is no barbecue. She proceeds to delete my RSVP request off the Facebook group, and adds a post that says the event is cancelled "on account of no alcohol." This is mortifying to me - 20 people had already RSVP'd.
I'm livid, to the point that it affected me at work all week. I think she's ungrateful and entitled, and she has behaved atrociously towards the family she is joining. I sent her an angry message saying that she had disrepected my parents and that she had thrown my work in my face. To which she responded, "Nothings getting thrown in your face, it's cancelled unless we can make alcohol happen. Not a big deal."
She continues to insist that my parents and I are in the wrong.
AITA?

Context: My ( 24F) boyfriend (42M) have been together since march 2022. We met each other for the first time in Miami and the rest was history. We do live together and have a 3 month old baby together.
Lately, my (24f) boyfriend ( 42m) and I were discussing our future plans and be bluntly told me that we was never in a relationship we were just friends because what could I do for him financially for him in this relationship. I was shocked to hear him say that because this whole time he put it in my head that we was in a relationship only to find out we was not.
I met his entire family, daughter and friends and he introduced me as his girlfriend or future wife. I was living with my family before I moved in with him. He pressured me to move in so we can start a life together I accepted. I started to notice that he would always say things like, " You have a degree you can get a job and pay some bills." Which I had no problem of doing it. The big issue started when I got pregnant I was terribly ill the whole 9 months and went in and out of the hospital... I was unable to work he would get mad and kick me out, tell me I'm not doing anything but wasting time despite him seeing how sick I was.
Fast forward he tells me everyday how lazy I am, I have no ambitions, I don't like myself, I'm insecure, I'm crazy, I'm stupid basically anything to tear me down. I discovered he cheated on me I confronted him only to be told I violated his privacy.. than to be hit with oh we was never in a relationship it was just a friendship. We have a 3 month old together and I just can't believe he said we was never together. I feel used and that feeling really hurts.
TLDR; I feel stuck in this situation and with a child it just makes it 10x worse for me. I'm going through postpartum still and to be hit with this just makes my depression worse. I feel used and manipulated into what I thought was a serious relationship but it was just a situationship for him. Any advice on how I can cope with this?

long post alert. sorry for the brain dump - I just need help saving my family.
I sincerely feel our problems started on reddit, so I feel it's only right to come back here to see if you can help me solve the mess we made. So a few years ago, my wife came to reddit for advice navigating a cultural clash - you can read her OG post here. In retrospect, the responses she got were awful, rude and many racist.
My wife is from Zimbabwe, I am Swiss and we met while at university in my country. I fell for her instantly. Truthfully, I'd never seen anyone so beautiful. She was kind, so incredibly intelligent and has this gravitational pull to her. We started off as friends, but we eventually began dating and got into a steady relationship. I wanted to marry straight away, but she had career ambitions she wanted to meet before she married. At the time of the reddit post - I was going through some stuff. In truth, I knew the expectation of roora was on anyone who would marry her, and I had been saving for that alongside her engagement ring for years. I had gotten into a fight with my brother before she asked me about setting a date for her roora - where he'd said some nasty things about me being with a black woman and how I was losing myself and my cultural identity due to the concessions I'd made to be with my wife. It's why I reacted the way I did when she asked me about it, something I deeply regret to this day.
After the shit show that was that post, we spent 3 months in couples' counselling. She repeatedly told me that she didn't want to force me to do anything I didn't want to do. She said that she deserved to be with someone who enthusiastically embraced all parts of her - and if any part of me took issue with her culture, she asked that I bow out before I tied us together for life. I confessed that I knew all along about the roora, and I had prepared for it, but the conversations with my brother are what led me to say what I did. She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through.
We had a beautiful traditional wedding in her country, then another one with my traditions in mine. Her family was kind and welcoming, making many concessions for me as they had done since I met them. We planned on starting a family soon after we married, but she'd always said she want to have her babies back in her country so she can have her family around her. We had agreed that this is what we'd do. It's important to note that my wife doesn't really like living here - she says she hates living here. We lived in Sweden for much of our relationship, and many will know the people are on the cold side. She hated the food, the weather, struggled with the cold people - her country's people are very warm and friendly - and for the last 2 years she had to go on antidepressants because it was all a bit much for her. She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that.
Our problems came when she asked me if I was having an affair with my colleague. This was when I got home late one evening and found her sitting in the dark. I'd forgotten she was making dinner for us to be honest because I had a lot going on at work and it just slipped my mind. I told her that colleague and I were working late and I forgot - sorry. She grew confrontational and told me I was spending a lot of time with colleague lately, and she's noticed her name on my phone more than a few times. She asked me if there was anything she ought to know. This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. She looked like I'd slapped her and I could see her holding back tears. I don't know why I didn't drop to my knees and beg forgiveness, instead doubled down and told her to stop the theatrics. Here's the thing - I'm not having an affair of any kind with my colleague - we really were just heavily into this project we're both super excited about. I don't know why I couldn't just say that to my wife.
She didn't come to bed that night, and I left early in the morning the day after and came home when she was asleep. This continued for days where I avoided her because I couldn't face the guilt. On the Friday, came home to a gift box that contained a positive pregnancy test and I long letter from my wife. I won't share all of it - but she said she was going to tell me on the night I bailed on dinner, that I had hurt her beyond measure with what I said to her and that she was "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice". She told me she doesn't consent to be in a polygamous relationship, and since it's what I want I should expect to receive divorce papers from her soon. She left her rings and house keys too.
I had a panic attacked. I was able to call for help before the worst of it came, but I spiralled. I had monumentally fucked up, and lost my wife and unborn child because of it. I tried to call her, but her phone was going straight voicemail. I called her brother, who was short with me but assured me she was fine. He wouldn't tell me more. I finally tracked her down after 2 weeks - she'd gone back to her parents in Zimbabwe.
I can't follow her just yet because the project I've worked on for so long now is near completion and I can't walk away. My friends told me I was racist to my wife in my actions, because I never would have tried that with a white man and tried to use her culture against her. The fact that I wasn't even serious make me more cruel apparently. She still won't speak to me - I have tried all avenues and she won't hear me out. I love her beyond measure and I don't know how to get her back. Please, help me.