it's hard for me to fall in love, but when I do I love the person intensely. I can't look at others, it's only the person that I love is in my head. I'm 21 f, and I've fallen in love with him since my high school days. to be precisely when I was in second grade, at first I didn't know why and how. I think it was love at first sight, but when I started watching him and searching for information about him I fell too deep. I always think that we're a match in heaven, some kind of soulmate or something. We have the same taste of music, books even humor. how did I know? my best friend is in a relationship with his best friend. she always matches me with him, at first she doesn't know that I like him but when she knows, she thinks that me and him are fit for each other.
But I always have low esteem towards myself, I don't have the looks or the personality so I never made the first move to him. I thought it would be just like before, me falling in love with someone that would never love me back and it's already buried deep inside my head, always. When I heard that he had a girlfriend, one of my classmates, I felt so heartbroken. you would think why? you're a coward, that's your fault and I do know that. I force myself to stop thinking about him, to like him, to love him. For almost half a year I can survive without thinking about him. never once had I had the slightest thought about him, then one day he suddenly followed me on Instagram. I was shocked, like really-really shocked. we never once had a single conversation, never interacted but why did he follow me? at that time, my hope suddenly appeared again but not for a long time because I remembered that he now had a girlfriend.
I couldn't help but follow him back, I told to my best friend and she said that he and his girlfriend had already broken up. I shouldn't but I was so happy that I cried at that time, maybe? maybe it's a chance for me to be with him, to have him. I was so desperate to have his attention, that I did everything so that he could at least like my story or reply. I posted the books that we both like, I share the same music, comics, and even memes. but never once did I get what I wanted, you guys must've been wondering why couldn't just confess to him or make the first move? as I said, I was a coward, a big coward. I feel deep in that agony once again, praying and hoping for him to notice me. It's hurting me again, and I thought to myself do I have to live like this? why is the reason he followed me? why? and after locking myself up for almost a month, at my birthday. two days after his, I convinced myself that I should move on if I didn't want to start something if I didn't want to be brave and confess to him.
My best friend asked me to at least confess my feelings to him before I decided to move on, maybe it will ease my anxiety and mind. but I once again refused because of my cowardness, I chose to keep my feelings to myself and remove him from my Instagram. it was a tough decision but I managed to get through it, I was doing better and better. I focus on my studies, hanging out with my friends, and everything else. I thought I already moved on, I never looked at his profile on Instagram anymore and never looked at the conversation that I had with my best friend about him.
So I talked about it to my best friend, she's happy for me but she also feels sad because she supports me to be with him. Then she asked me again, "Are you sure that you already moved on? I'm so happy about that but I don't like seeing you forcing yourself like this." then I asked, what does that mean? yes, I was forcing myself but why did she ask me that? She then told me that her boyfriend, the best friend of 'him' knows that I like his best friend. she told me that 'him' sometimes talks about me to her boyfriend. "She also likes reading books." "She listens to the same artist as I am."
then she told me that 'him' asked her boyfriend why I removed him from my Instagram, her boyfriend told him that either I was weird or maybe you didn't see the signs that I gave him. He just grinning and rubbing his neck at what my best friend bf said, and i ask her does 'he' know that i liked him and she said yes. idk what to do after that, i already move on but it still hurts me a lot.

Here is one for you all and its a long one. 44M here, been with my significant other for ~20 years, married for 11 years. At this point I don't feel like we are going to make it much longer. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore but needs me for financial support so she is trying to string me along.
Background:
I want to say right off that I know I am not perfect, have never pretended to be nor have I overlooked my shortcomings and have done everything I can to address and deal with my issues.At first things were good. We did things together, went out, hung out with friends together, bowled leagues together, had a lot of fun. We also had a good, sex life. We were having cuddling times, regular sex, great foreplay, she was pretty open to positions and trying things.
When we first got together she was working miscellaneous retail jobs. She had a 4 year college degree at this point as well but never even tried to find a job utilizing it. I was fine with her working whatever made her happy. I work in IT/Tech. I have always been the higher earner, making almost double her salary up until a couple years ago. I never once said anything about this, never gave her crap for making less or the job she worked. I only encouraged her to find a job she enjoyed. I went years, never saying anything that might hurt her, even when I was working 50-60+ hours of work in a tough field at a job I hated while she worked maybe 20-30 hours a week in a super easy job of her choosing. After about 10 years of us being together she finally decided to go back to school for computer science. To support her doing this we lived in a couple places and worked jobs I absolutely hated to make sure she could finish school without any pressure. Again, I never said anything to her about this, I did it so she could be happy. She ended up finishing and getting an extremely good paying tech job after a few years, around the time that I noticed the biggest changes about her. Prior to her latest job and changes, we were OK for a few years. We starting doing well together as we were both earning well and have no kids.
Start of problems:
After we were married for a few years she started changing. She stopped wanting to do things together, we went out less and less. Stopped watching shows and movies together, stopped gaming together. She started treating sex like a burden, made me feel bad for even trying to initiate it. She became more of a prude, stopped wanting to do almost anything sexual, stopped wanting cuddling/petting, lost almost all interest in foreplay that wasn't directly for her, she lost all interest in any type of intimacy, cuddling, foreplay, or really anything that isn't about her getting off.
I feel that I have been extremely patient over the years about all of this. She has some back issues (self inflicted, she was having soreness and pain but continued a workout regimen that was obviously not right and causing issues. I have tried to be understanding and accommodating since she had these issues. Sex was never really a big issue, even with the back problems we had a decent sex life until the last 5 or so years. She started wanting to do less and it really felt like she was just trying to get it over with (outside of when I was pleasuring her and getting her off. Once that was done it was like hurry up and finish.
More recently, last couple of years she has had 0 interest in sex or even anything physical. I mean I can barely kiss her, cant touch her at all without some excuse that it tickles or some other BS. No cuddling as she says I always pressure for sex, BS, I love foreplay and am happy with mutual getting off. I have mentioned the lack of intimacy, mentioning that is had been months since we did anything and it is always some excuse or a suggestion it may happen this weekend (going on 20+ " this weekend" without anything) . She has almost every excuse in the book as to why she doesn't want to without really having a good reason. She will blame her back bugging her but will then do a lot of work that is physically punishing, especially to someone with back issues and despite the fact that I said I would do it or try to help. I have also gotten several different things to help, wedge pillow to help with her back, tried it once and had some random complaint that I forget. She had mentioned trying a swing so she could have support in different positions. I found several options and she then made excuses about all of them, the primary one being support for the swing. I eventually called her on this being BS when the new house we got had a chain mount in one of the bedrooms ( looked like it was possibly for a heavy punching bag) that would be perfect for a swing and I tested it holding my full weight. I again mentioned getting a swing to make things better to only get additional excuses.
Further Issues:
We had always talked about wanting to move back to California and get a house there when we had the chance. We had also talked about houses we would like and things like that. When we started seriously talking about getting a house, she said she would check with work ahead of time about being able to move to another state as we had discussed, she did not. I don't think she even talked to her boss about it. She just refused to move outside of this state as she said her job required her to be her even though her boss lives in a completely different country.
When the time actually came to find and buy a house it did not work out the way I guess I had expected. Eventually, we purchased a house here after several fights as she decided she wanted a cheaper house to fix up. Not even considering the amount of work and money it would take to do so. One of her "options" was a run down ranch house that had a surprise renter (9 months left on a lease) in a very obviously water damaged basement. She picked out this house so she continued to try to justify buying it for about 100k over what it should be sold for. After about a week of looking at shitty houses and fighting she finally agreed to look at one of the houses I had chosen, the house we eventually purchased. It was a bit more but had almost all of our wants without the need to fix it up.
For the purchase, she provided the down payment from her inheritance and jointly financed the house. Once the purchase was finished and we moved in she changed, a lot. Things became more about what she wanted, she would mention things to me but completely ignore any input and just talk like what she wanted is what I chose too. Her dad then decided to visit and this was the largest wake up call I think I have had. I saw him doing all of the things that she does that annoy and frustrate me. I then realized that if I stay with her, dealing with this is my future. He took over the house and she treated me like an asshole for just wanting a bit of space that I could have to myself. She refused to deal with him or reign in his behavior. I think it was around this time that I realized that it felt like I didn't even have a home even though we just bought one, that I was just a wallet to help pay bills.
We ended up having a fight about this and I ended up leaving and staying at a hotel for a few days. This is where it got really eye opening as I considered this fight as something we would think about and get over. However, the first thing she did was talk to her friend and then reach out to divorce lawyers. She mentioned that she was talking to them about post nuptials to make sure she got the house and money. This was a signal to me, that she did not consider nor seem to appreciate all of the years that I spent working jobs I hated to supplement our income and cover for her while she went back to school. All it seemed she saw was that she got money now so the house and all of it was hers. She made a comment about how she felt the money, stocks, and house were hers. She added that she wanted a post nuptial to define this so I shouldn't be surprised if I get one to sign. Unsurprisingly, she never actually got this done, never mentioned it more so I am assuming she just got lazy and never followed up. One thing that stood out to me was that she mentioned that she could not afford the house by herself. She rambled off several things about us just being roommates and me continuing to pay for the house and bills. She came up with something about me paying and her giving me money back later or something, I ignored most of it as it was dumb, I.E. me leaving my checks going into our shared account and continuing to pay like I have been but doing so knowing she plans on keeping the house and that I might get some money later if she ever sold it. She also made a comment that I did a good job with the stocks so I should keep doing that for her and she would give me like a 1k in a few years. Since I started working with the portfolio and diversified the stocks I have made over 40k in gains for it so yeah I ignored this as I felt like it was insulting. This whole fight and conversation hit me hard, especially after 15+ years of me working hard, shitty jobs, to provide for us just to get slapped in the face by greed.
We ended up talking a bit after that fight after I ended up stopping by the house. She had mentioned previously about going to marriage counseling. I told her I didn't think it would help with our situation considering what the issues were but if she was willing to go and actually participate, I would be too. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor as she had suggested it previously and I wanted to try everything to make this work. I had previously mentioned that I didn't think it would work as she refuses to open up or discuss her issues with anyone and if she wont do that, it is a moot point. She said she would so we found a counselor and we went for a couple of months. During this time I was very open about my thoughts and feelings and gave the counselor details on my issues. She however, did not provide anything ahead of time, participate much, would not open up, and eventually said that we might as well not go as she didn't feel like we were gaining anything.
Turning Point:
I think the f*ck it point, straw that broke the camels back for me is that about a month ago, around 10 months or so since we had any kind of intimacy we had a fight. During the fight she admitted that she actually masturbates fairly regularly which really, really pissed me off as she knows the lack of sex and any kinds of intimacy was a big issue for me and was causing a lot of frustration. I was quiet about it as what I would have said would have started a big fight. I am now struggling because I cant really get over the fact that she shows me no interest, wont let me touch her, we haven't had sex in months and she admits to masturbating instead of having sex with me when she knows I am extremely sexually frustrated. To me, this shows her lack of caring about me and shows that she only really cares about herself and what she wants. This is furthered by conversations with her family I have overheard because she talks super loud on the phone and I guess she didn't realize I could hear her in the other room. This last conversation was essentially her talking about the money again and additional money she may get when her dad passes. She made the comment to them that in hindsight she would have made me sign a prenup as all of the money she has gotten and will get belongs to their family and she wants to keep it in their family. This was another moment when I was like what the hell, I am not your family?
I am torn, I have been with her for a long time, I do care for her, but she shows no interest in being with me. No interest in a relationship, doesn't want to do things together (she even said that if I want her do more things with me I have to do things she wants to do first), nothing for how I feel, what I want, no cuddling, no touching, nothing. It came down to the fact that she essentially wants a roommate that pays for her to have the house, help with chores, and helps take care of the dogs without expecting anything in return. She does not seem to get how she is, care how I feel, what I want, or really care about anything that does not benefit her.
I am at my breaking point, I have tried for years to give her everything and now as thanks, I get nothing from her. I am getting to old to keep wasting time in a loveless, sexless relationship but am also having a hard time walking away from a relationship I have been in for so long. After writing this out I am also realizing, well more wondering, what the f*ck I am doing as it seems pretty obvious I am bailing water out of a sinking boat.

I had my first run-in with this flavor of inceldom around a decade ago, give or take. My long-term girlfriend had just dumped me out of the blue for her seventh-grade boyfriend, and the shock of it all had sent me into a bit of a spiral. Coincidentally, a friend of mine had come into possession of a sizable chunk of crystal methamphetamine, which I had ever-so-generously volunteered to take off her hands. Needless to say, that summer was a blur of missed shifts, disappointing sex, angry phone calls, and gnashed teeth.
A few weeks into the eye of the binge, I forgot how my tongue fit into my mouth. This has happened to me before, in times of sobriety, but the amphetamines seemed to exacerbate things—I was unable to ignore my affliction, which had always been my ticket back to normalcy in the past, and soon my uncertainty re: tongue positioning was all I could think about, and seemed, to me, irreversible. I was distraught.
I had thought my exhaustive list of rules I adhered to would prevent me from falling into this sort of trap. Never start using earlier than an hour before sundown. Brush teeth BEFORE starting, never after. No more than two cigarettes per night. Never stay awake longer than 36 hours. Keep 64oz-128oz water on hand at all times. Never drink anything other than water. Maintain a supply of marijuana and tramadol for use during comedowns as needed. Learn to fall asleep even under the effects of the drug. Never chew gum. These rules kept me above water for a while, but, obviously, not forever. In my altered and fragile state, I was desperate to return to the comforting shelter of my rules and of effortlessly comfortable oral posture. Unable to find answers within myself, I turned to the internet.
It took a few deep dives into Google (“what should I do with my tongue”, “how does my mouth fit together”, “forgot how mouth works”) before I came across Michael Mew and the subject of orthotropics. I got an answer to my tongue malady, but one that raised new concerns. Why was the supposedly correct positioning still not entirely comfortable? According to the sluthate forums, it was because my oral posture had been improper all my life, leading to my skull becoming cramped and malformed. Apparently, this malformation was to blame for all kinds of issues, from my slight bite misalignment to my on-and-off sinus issues (that certainly weren’t caused by railing lines of crystal) to my TMJ.
I became transfixed by the subject. I grew obsessed with my facial asymmetries, spending hours upon hours at strange hours of the night staring at my face in the mirror, cataloguing variance between sides of my face and trying to figure out where they fit into my stimulant-fueled Rube Goldberg machine of oral posture-based facial development. I became convinced that, through the power of chewing and holding my tongue properly, I could remedy all my insecurities—my jawline, my teeth, my standing posture, my one drooping eyelid. Plus, it turned out mewing was an excellent way of avoiding grinding my teeth while laying in bed measuring the lack of space between my comedown heartbeats.
It all came to a head when I spend the better part of a night trying to manually rearrange my teeth into a configuration I felt was more conducive to my orthotropic goals. It’s a wonder I didn’t break a tooth in half when I switched to pliers in the final hour, and when the sun rose and I realized I had chewed off all my fingerprints, I had to admit to myself I’d lost the control I’d meant to hold onto. It took weeks of bandaging before I could recognize my hands as mine, or as hands.
Anyway, I got clean and didn’t think about mewing for years, although I can’t really be sure I ever remembered how I’d originally held my tongue in my mouth. So when all this shit hit the TikTok mainstream in these past few years, it was intensely surreal. It feels strange to see so many people identify wholeheartedly with something I associate with meth fixations and paranoia loops. I can’t help but laugh when I see a broccoli head mewing, or discussing the finer points of mandibular positioning—these were ideas that consumed me when I was more drug than man, and people genuinely take them seriously? It all just seems ridiculous to me now. I can’t help but still see it all as the less-than-half-lucid ravings of a methed-up neurotic mess. I wonder if they know how good mewing is for your enamel during comedowns.

A staticky 90s looking video camera tape is put in and begins playing on a small TV, you see a pair of tan hands and hear a young 20 something year old man and a home made video documentary begins
After the appearance of this large monolithic structure that appeared in the middle of America causing a large military state to form on the borders around the large 'Mall'. On the first day and every 30 days since a message plays" {This is the Mall of the Multiverse! Made for all mages and magic users alike to come shop and par take in the vast libraries and research facilities... And then it glitches showing a man in a purple cloak, that was the belief of the 8 fools who wasted their magic abilities on a waste of philanthropic trash like this, I Alphonse the Manipulation Mage Extraordinar have turned this into the magic engine it was always made to be, now come on in the lower levels are safe buy away and have a good time and if you want.... Find and kill me and this dangerous monster factory will cease to be and the beasts it releases will cause you no more casualties.} I'm taking video of this because I believe we need to document and understand what's going on here and not let the government lock it up and keep us out, if we all work together and make it high enough we'll find Alphonse and we can take this Mall down.
All that to say this is a monster of the week game that will follow a party of explorers who wish to take out the Mad Manipulator. As the Mall was connected to a fantasy realm before ending up in the moral modern day there are many fantasy races around as well so those are on the table, if you want any abilities based on a fantasy monster race, you will have to take the Monsteras Sheet.
The vibes and aesthetics are that of the late 90s and early 2000s as the Mall appeared in the early 90s and slowed the world's progress as many things we're destroyed and had to be rebuilt. The Mall has a very normal with a fantasy lean look on the first 5 floors but after that it begins devolving into a dungeon looking space and beyond that it gets very liminal and BackRooms-esce with one one or two highly dangerous enemies but a large space to hide and seek through.
I'm looking for a party of 4 to play biweekly at the time and day listed in the title. If you're interested just message me on here with a character concept and a a short bio about yourself and your experience with MotW.
The session 0 will be on the 16th of May at the same time as the games scheduled.

• Rob Weiss is her favorite ex-boyfriend.
• He’s the one person that was a good guy, talented, creative, and inspired her a lot. They were together for 7.5 years.
• He feels the same way about her.
• He liked her dad.
• Her mom and Weiss got along well. Her mom painted a house (her own? Weiss’?) and wanted to see Weiss’ reaction.
• Doherty avoids obstacles now, instead of trying to plow through them.
• He was on vacation in 1991, and met her at Bar One. He knew who she was. He had wanted to go into the film business.
• He made a movie, went to the Sundance Film Festival, moved to L.A.
• 2 years later, Doherty was married. Doherty started dating him around 1994.
• They moved in together quickly after Doherty left her first husband.
• They got together right before her 23rd birthday.
• He was not successful, but not a failure. He wrote “Milk Bar”. He did “American Psycho”.
• They watched Clerks together.
• Doherty says he introduced her to the indie film world.
• They were engaged. But after her first marriage, she believed a piece of paper doesn’t mean anything.
• Doherty’s mom still wears her wedding band, even though Doherty’s father died.
• They connect with each other on a soul level.
• He has a child with another woman.
• Doherty learned she needs to listen to her gut.
• They broke off the engagement a week before the wedding.
• Doherty was still following what was happening with her first husband.
• Marriage is an antiquated notion to Weiss.
• There’s no woman that’s more important to him than the mother of his child. They had dated for 3 years. But he doesn’t need to marry her.
• Doherty says Weiss is a Math Changer. (See the podcast with Doherty and Les Snead).
• Rick (another ex) was a Buyer Beware.
• Weiss says Rick has different demons. But he’s a cool cat.
• Weiss loves his dad, but he would categorize him as a toxic male. He smoked until he had lung cancer. He served in the military.
• Doherty loves Weiss’ dad.
• Doherty still adores both Rob and Rick.
• Doherty’s soul connection with Weiss will always be there.
• Rob gave Doherty the diamond heart necklace that Prue wore on Charmed.
• Weiss still has some necklaces and rings that Doherty gave him.
• Doherty had a tattoo with Weiss’ name on it. She eventually covered it up with flowers. Weiss did not want to get a tattoo with her name on it.
• He now has tattoos. Such as his son’s name. Since he likes tattoos now, he thinks maybe he would have gotten Doherty’s name on his neck, if he had to make the decision again.
• The best moment they had was in Venice, Italy. They went to get something to eat late at night. The streets were dead. Some guy started to talk to them. They told him they wanted food. They followed him. He directed them to two other people. Doherty thought they were going to get robbed. Eventually they were lead to a restaurant. It was a 24 hour restaurant. And the food was delicious.
• They went to Amsterdam. They ended up at a hostel with 5 beds in a room. She didn’t want to do that.

​

• Doherty thinks it’s hard for Weiss, because he can spend 2 years writing a show. Then he pitches it, and the people he pitches it to don’t like it.
• Weiss tries to work on 10 things at the same time.
• If he had spent 2 straight years working on only one thing, it would hurt him more.
• Doherty had a birthday party at a bar, where there was a fight.
• They had only been dating for 10 days. They started on April Fools Day.
• Greg Vance gave Weiss a weird look. Weiss went up to him and his people and asked if there was a problem. He turned around to his right, and got headbutted on his nose.
• The fight spilled out onto the street.
• He doesn’t roll with a large posse anymore.
• He stopped drinking 5 years ago.
• He loved red wine.
• He can’t be hungover at 7am, with his kid, anymore. He had to set a better example.
• His son is his dad reincarnated.
• He’s been nominated 3x for Entourage.
• Doherty just found out Weiss was nominated at the Sundance Film Festival for Grand Jury Prize.
• Doherty was so excited when she, Jason Priestley, and Luke Perry presented an award at the Emmys.
• Weiss thought Entourage was going to be horrible. He didn’t think the audience would connect with the show.
• Doug Elin had wanted Weiss to play Billy Walsh.
• Weiss’ first impression of Doherty was that she was his dream girl. She was fun. She was spicy. She smoked cigarettes like a fighter pilot. Sexy, great style. Amazing cook.
• Doherty wants another relationship. She just doesn’t want to get married again.
• Weiss does better in life on some nights when he can take a bubble bath, get up at 5:30am, and does what he needs to do, without having a conversation.
• Doherty agrees, so why can’t there be a relationship where Weiss doesn’t move in with someone, and they keep their separate places? So they can have off nights as needed.
• He thinks the guy should be older, but has nothing against men who are with women 20 years older. Whatever fits one’s preference.
• He just wants a positive energy with someone.
• He’s not looking for someone to go on a cruise together with.
• Weiss and Doherty dated for 2 - 3 years before they got engaged.
• The proposal was basically Doherty going “give me the fucking ring”.
• When they were in Italy and France together, Weiss ran into an old friend. That friend was with his girlfriend, who had a 5 carat ring. Doherty then wanted a ring. So they got that friend to make a ring.
• Weiss asked for her parents’ blessing.
• Her parents heaped concerns on him.
• Weiss was surprised, because they had been dating for 3 years.
• Their relationship was from right after she left Beverly Hills 90210, to right after she left Charmed.
• She stopped living with him at some point, and got her own place.
• Dick Wolf offered Doherty a show after Charmed. But she had to move to New York. She didn’t want to do that. She was in love. Her parents were in LA. She says she was an idiot for turning it down.
• They were on again, off again a few times during those 7 years.
• Dating was more pure back then, compared to now. Now it’s transactional. Dating is now only with people that can help someone.
• Weiss calls it opportunistic. And leveraging.
• Now, people develop a fantasy relationship with someone. Then they meet them, and it’s different.
• It was easier back then, because you dated people you knew, from within Hollywood.
• Weiss has supported Doherty during her cancer.
• Weiss was devastated when Doherty’s cancer came back.

First/Previous
Gemma was right about the sky’s open night, and I could sympathize with her recollection of the beauty, but for me it must’ve been a greater tragedy—the young woman had only ever enjoyed the stars in the pits of Golgotha; I could, long before, drink in the sky at leisure. Cruel memories.
The night the Rednecks died was one of viscera, but before that it was coolness on the breeze, a warmth by the fires while John played his guitar and we had only just taken two dozen kegs of lager (personal reserves) from the Atlanta despot—the man that kept his subjects as slaves and not a person among the camp was left without budding intoxication. No matter the age, everyone was invited to be merry; if it was that children too faced the plight of a bad world, then so too should they reap the moments of plenty—or so the camp figured.
John had taken a group by the fires where wagons were drawn in interlocking semicircles for cover and Jackson sat beside the picker. Jackson was a man which normally preferred quiet reflection over boisterous singing and nearly never wore the band on his throat, and yet there he was belting out the chorus at the top of his lungs, tankard in hand, red cloth blazed around his neck—it was a contagion and those drunk enough for easier embarrassment sang proudly along:
“There is power, there is power in a band of working folk!
When we stand hand in hand,
That’s a power, that’s the power,
That must rule in every land!”
I’d taken to the outlying shadows with my back pressed against the gas-powered caleche, my own tankard in hand. I loved the warmth of that great big family, truly, but even in those days—and maybe it was that queer youthfulness which longed for individualism that made me that way then—I remained as distanced as possible when I could. I sipped the lager, it was a fine drink and my brother Billy, nearly as old as I was when I’d first taken up in the infantry, swaggered to stand beside me just as quiet for minutes and we looked at the stars and he asked me what it was like to kill a man.
“Is it hard?” he asked.
I nodded, “Sometimes.”
“Killing monsters ain’t so bad. Don’t know if I could do it to a person.”
“You could if they meant to kill you; or if they meant to do it to someone you cared about,” I promised him. In those days, spry, energized, I held no time for staring into abysses; though I still wasn’t a man fully, I pretended as one. It was about family, and it was about doing what was right—what’s right seemed to change, or I changed. The world felt stark with good and evil and even later I’d feel that sentiment well up in me, but if that’s true, I know I stand more on the latter and so I intentionally obfuscated it—this I know. If not, it might be too much to bear. I was required to lie to myself and even in knowing I lied, it was better.
Billy tugged on the red kerchief around his throat and asked me how it looked on him.
“Looks good,” I said.
“Don’t think I look stupid at all?”
I smiled over my drink, “You always look stupid.” I sipped. “The neckwear’s fine.”
“Give me a break,” said Billy; he investigated his own cup, gave it a swish with his wrist, watching its contents swirl. “Aren’t you ever afraid you’ll die?”
“Sometimes—nights like this—I wouldn’t mind it.”
“Really?” my brother asked.
“There’s always a chance of it. Every moment, I guess.”
He smiled. “I wish I had that confidence.”
“You’ll get it,” I returned his smile; it was true that he would gain the fighting spirit. It came to us all with time and reminiscing on the early days, I recall the grit and the hatred—there was learning there too though. Besides, I’d seen the squalors of a stationary man. The stagnation of a place, an unmoving home.
John put his guitar away and laughter erupted from the crowd from something said and Sibylle, cowboy hat cocked funny, traipsed across the camp to the open keg for a refill; the man there, tending the cylinders, was a man named Tandy (a foreigner and one unknown besides the way he smoked a skunk pipe and told wild stories). My mother leaned over while Tandy opened the spigot mouth on the keg, and she froze there, and I could see her there cut out forever against the light of the fires; I watched, and it came so suddenly that I couldn’t be sure what’d happened at all. It was so sudden that I couldn’t find my weapon and I couldn’t find even the courage to fight because in those moments it wasn’t courage I needed, it was grounds to understand.
Sibylle came apart in two pieces immediately, torn completely through and dust erupted as her legs struck the ground while her torso spun through the air like a top, a trail of liquid trailed after, caught in the blue of night so it shone as black; she couldn’t scream. Tandy was a statue. Before anyone could react, more flesh, other bodies, went up and there was all manner of limbs which filled the ground, and it is astounding how quickly a red mist forms across the ground during a massacre. Perhaps the wails of my comrades started before, perhaps others fell before Sibylle, but I could not comprehend the goings-on till I saw her drop the way she did.
Frail human screams rose on the night; I slammed to the ground, tankard gone away and hands scrambling in the dirt; I reached up blindly and yanked Billy to my level and his expression was one of innocence, panic, tears even. Glancing around, I saw the demons bolt from the pitch-black darkness on the edges of camp, mutants taking the fore while greater creatures lurked further back, some hurled whips of gliding metal which writhed over their heads when they stretched them out for a strike—alien—and they sliced directly through soft human bodies. Not even a cry escaped me, but Billy let go with it and I slapped my cupped hand over his mouth hard to hold the screams. His voice would not have been alone anyway, not alongside that startling cacophony. Amidst the cries of people, there were the cries of horses, of our hounds.
We rolled across the ground, slipped beneath the raised body of the gas-powered caleche, remained quiet in the dark, peeked out between the wheels.
“What’s happening?” Billy whispered through my fingers; I removed my hand from him and caught a glimpse of him framed in a square of firelight through the wheels—we lay there on our bellies and the left side of his face was glazed with dirt where I’d pulled him down.
“Shh,” I told him, “Shh, please. Please.” Not another word came while I pleaded with him, pleaded with the world to make this all a nightmare.
Through the haze and the running silhouettes painted black, I saw what might have been Jackson; he stumbled and in the moment that it took me to gasp, his head was gone from his body, his torso slid on as he collapsed, came to rest mere feet from the motor wagon. I told myself that it wasn’t him, but it probably was.
Some mutants lumbered through the camp like animated corpses, some leapt with wild energy or sprayed noxious fumes which lingered in the air; others still were amalgams of humanlike limbs themselves—fiends—exhausting terrible sounds, producing smells of sulfur, glistening with whatever liquids excreted from their oblong alien orifices. Demons ran amok, chanted in devil tongued languages, laughed madly at the destruction—others still, those which displayed some greater intelligence, broke into a song I could never hope or want to replicate; it seemed a unified damnation.
“Please,” I repeated in a whimper and Billy hushed me this time and I realized we were holding hands, squeezing for dear life as figures walked the camp, speared those half-alive, elected others for twisted carnality.
In darkness, in fright plainly, we scuttled from the recess of our hiding place, kept quiet, held to each other, and went into the wasteland where nothing was—every shadow was a potential threat, every second could’ve been the last. We were holding hands; then we weren’t.
Only a glance—that’s all I afforded my brother and nothing more—what a joke of a person I am! What a coward I was. Always.
Something got him in the dark and instead of dying alongside those I cared about, I went on, heartbeat driving me till it was all that I heard in my ears and my muscles ached and my chest heaved and sweat covered me, chilled me in the breeze of the night—it was only once I’d accepted the dark completely, crawled into a hollowed space of rocks along a squat ridge that I watched the demolished camp; it seemed no larger than a spark, but the creatures, fiends and others continued their war cries; never before had I witnessed demons participate in such an attack.
I watched till the sun came, till the fires became smoke, then I watched the band of hell creatures disband. The smell of sulfur remained in the air—copper too—and I stumbled back to the camp in a dreamlike daze, totally unbelieving of the things I saw. Among those dead on the ground, I could recognize none; among those piked from rear to shoulder, standing like morbid scarecrows where they’d been steadied against the ground, I could not want to recognize.
Many of the wagons were overturned, including the gas-powered caleche and I went to it; the metal of its body was warped but I fell to the ground by it and pushed my back against the exposed undercarriage, remained frozen there while examining the bodies, the terrible strips of skin which rested places like wet sheets of paper, the piles of bones removed and smashed and piled.
I cried so deeply that oxygen became a memory, and the shakes couldn’t be contained.
It was like that for so long, knees pulled up, face pushed between, and the wails came unafraid of whatever attention they might garner; there was no rationale, but I imagine if there had been, I would’ve welcomed death in that misery. It was a deep wound that not even my own cowardice would overcome for the sake of survival.
Unaware of my surroundings, not wanting to look up from the ground between my legs, the noise which had started out as imaginary became real and I raised my head then to listen better and wipe my sore eyes; it was the sound of clip-clop horse hooves and I mildly wondered if any of the animals had been spared. I stood and pivoted around the dead camp and there it was, a man on a painted horse with golden hair; he leisurely drove the mount through the place, maneuvering around pools of blood, clumps of body parts and upon seeing me, he smiled and offered a languid wave, keeping one of his gloved hands on the reins.
The man wore white and swished his hair back upon arriving directly in front of me. Ahoy, he offered kindly, Did you happen to see the other riders?
I shook my head, feeling numb.
Ah, he said, I could have sworn four other riders, at least, passed me on my way. His gray eyes examined the carnage. Shame. He shook his head. You are?
“H-harlan.”
He nodded and nearly offered an expression of genuine condolence before descending from the horse; the animal gave a gentle grunt and wandered away from its master to inspect a nearby group of the dead. The man offered his hand, and I took it in a shake. Mephisto, said the man. He flashed a smile again before his face grew serious. I’ve come to you to deal.
I shot him a questioning look, one of bafflement.
I heard your calls from far off. He nodded, removed a white handkerchief from his breast pocket and swiped it down his face. Hot out. He shrugged then replaced the cloth in his pocket. This, he motioned to the disarray of vehicles, of bodies, I can’t fix all this—it’s too much—but there’s a person you love, I know. I could bring them back.
“Doctor?” In retrospect it was such a naïve question.
He shook his head.
“Angel?”
He grinned and nodded, Sure.
“Demon?”
Undoubtedly. His eyes—pits of gray in that radiant face—nearly expressed solemness; he daintily shook the hair from his face and looked at his steed which sniffed a corpse. What’s the word, Harlan? There are others calling and I must be on my way soon—I can’t dally. There was a sharpness to the words. Can’t dally. We must convene soon, or I’ll mosey on.
I snorted back the clog in my nose from the tears and wiped my eyes with my sleeves. “Okay.”
Deal?
I nodded, “Deal.”
Sleep tonight, said Mephisto, Sleep and you’ll be rewarded in the morning.
“You said it’s a deal.”
He nodded and scanned the carnage before we matched gazes and then he said, Yes?
“What is it you want from me?”
Nothing you need now. He called the horse, and it came, and he swept his feet quickly from the ground and settled into position atop the animal. Sleep, Harlan. You won’t be bothered. There are worse things still over the horizon.
I watched him go till he disappeared and once he was gone, I couldn’t cry anymore and instead rummaged through the wagons for what I might carry; along the way I found John, face twisted but corpse intact. The body from the previous night that I’d guessed was Jackson couldn’t be determined but I found him nowhere else. I slid Sibylle’s holster from her hips, fell hard onto the ground and found that I could sob more. I took her cowboy hat, placed it on my head and held her pistol in one hand and the belt holster dangled from the other while I searched the other bodies; there were so many, but I could not find Billy.
Waiting for darkness, I took the spot where I rested, back against the caleche’s undercarriage, watched the sky and felt the gun in my hand; it was heavy. I put it to my head, closed my eyes, and whispered affirmations to myself then I put the pistol between my splayed legs, watched it still in the dirt, and pulled the hat down over my eyes but it did little for the smell. Though the brim of the hat cut the sky out, I watched the ground and saw circling shadows form overhead and heard calls of turkey vultures; they came to pick over the bodies. I withdrew my knees to my chest there again and laid my forearm across them and bit into my arm while closing my eyes. I had thought I was a man and for a time, maybe I was, but there in that miserable pit of despair I became a child again and if I’d become more delirious, I’m sure I might’ve called out for Jackson like it was a bad dream.
Into a fading stupor of sleep in the sun I went and when I awoke again it was dark and chilly and I was tired and hungry but too sick to eat and hardly strong enough to move; I looked at the gun and put it into its holster and left it there by the caleche. In the light of the moon and stars, I moved to gather a bolt of canvas; I unfurled the fabric and created a leaning shelter against the overturned vehicle and crawled into it. There was a hole in the canvas, and I peeked out at the stars.
Weeping came again, but not so uproarious; I was stuck there letting go of whimpers, lying on my back, feeling the tears trace in lines from the outer corners of my eyes to collect along my earlobes. In time, I fell to sleep again on the hard ground because the mourning had taken all else from me.
A pinpoint of sunlight broke my eyelids and I jerked awake and reached for the holster, but it was gone. So was the hat. I crawled from the leaning shelter and there he was.
Billy stood plainly among the dried, congealed blood-soaked field and he looked on to the horizon and all shadows were long in the midday sun which hung up there in a soft blue sky. Whether it be a dream or a spell, I couldn’t care—I charged to him and spun him so he faced me and though his face was plain and expressionless, I wrapped him into a forceful hug. He placed his hands on my back and gave a gentle squeeze; when I pulled from him, my hands on his shoulders, I saw he held Sibylle’s hat in his left hand, pinched by the brim; he’d already tugged her holster belt around his hips—he could have it all. I shook while holding him then let go to wipe my face.
“You’re alive,” I nodded.
He nodded without speaking then looked at the hat in his hand and placed it on his head and firmly pressed it down.
“Billy! Hell, you’re alive!”
The corners of his mouth twitched upward for a moment then he nodded again. “Yeah.” His eyes curiously searched our surroundings like he meant to take each detail in forever.
I slapped him on the shoulder and almost squealed. “Goddammit.” I wiped my eyes again and could do little to keep the excitement from exploding from me. “Oh, we should go. We should go on and get somewhere safe.”
He nodded toward the horizon, “’Lanta?”
“Sure.”
We packed and it was a like an ethereal phantom remained among us beside the quiet dead; turkey vultures cawed to break the silence, pecked where they pleased on the bodies, and I couldn’t want to fight them. I kept sidelong eyes on Billy with the ever-present worry that he’d vanish. Perhaps he was the phantom.
From the rear of the caleche, I removed a few sentimental books Jackson liked, essential cookware, and sparse rations for the trek. The last thing I grabbed was my shotgun and a bit of ammo.
As we set from the dead place, the terrible silhouettes that were cut from there on the horizon behind us grew in my mind with every backward glance—I wanted to fall to pieces, but I saw Billy walk alongside me and although contented is not the right word, it is the nearest. The steps of our boots were all that was heard because I could not fathom to pierce the space between us with words for fear that it would all end. It was a dream, surely. I’d lost my mind. With my hands thumbed into the straps of my pack, I saw I my hands still shook, and they would shake a lot longer—years and with memories too. The crunch of earth underfoot became a rhythm and instead of looking at my brother, I watched his shadow on the ground.
“Everyone’s dead?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah,” I repeated.
“How ain’t I? How ain’t you?”
To say that it was luck would’ve been too morbid. Instead of saying anything, I shrugged, kicked a loose stone, watched my feet some more, and felt a queasiness come over me. For the moment, the immeasurable deaths of those I’d left behind were forgotten in the company of my brother and a sickness welled up inside of me so suddenly that I felt that I’d fall to pieces at the slightest provocation. Finally, I did speak again, but only after steeling myself to the troubles, “Yeah, how are you alive?”
Billy shrugged at me then stumbled up a hill which overlooked trash wood wilderness where sticks lay twisted and bare and further on the sight of Atlanta was visible and I cupped a hand across my brow and Billy did the same and we looked on at the shadows of the place out there where strings of smoke rose from the skyline as a signature for the desolation of the city; it was dead. I felt it in my bones.
My hands were light while my head was heavy, my throat was dry, and the entire world seized in moments of stillness or perhaps it was my own vision which construed the world in that way; I took to the small hill which Billy had climbed and sat there and stared at the place between my feet to steady myself.
“Fire,” said Billy.
I nodded and nearly choked.
Leviathan—till then I had no belief in dragons—glided over the broken city, its winged shadow little seen but its voice was deep across the scene, letting go of roars which shook the ground. We hid among the trash wood and moved down the hill and watched the creature thrash in the air as if it was angry for its abominable life. Whatever millennia it spent in the pits of hell seemingly thrust upon it a love of destruction and pain.
My brother moved with a more assured stride and kept a cool distance and upon fleeing from the wreckage, from the outlying area of Atlanta and the place we’d left our family, he spoke little and watched me strangely whenever I took to melancholic fatiguing. We lit no fires for fear of what it could draw from the night so in the dark I’d see him watching some far-off place, maybe seeing through the reality which surrounded us, and he’d snap from it, catch my eye, and disappear for minutes to scan the perimeter of whatever place we stayed. Being alongside my resurrected brother was lonelier than I could bear, and I hoped he’d disappear for good or that I could work up the courage to end my own life. It was like purgatory explained in books and for a time, it felt endless; upon witnessing the destruction of Atlanta, we pushed to Marrietta, and it was much the same. As was Chatanooga, Nashville, Knoxville, Louisville, Charlotte. The ocean had risen so that Fayetville was gone underwater, and the Florida leg disappeared completely as far as I’m aware. I understood later that Memphis was overlooked and more places further west were alive too, but when we’d exhausted the south, we moved north and found strongholds of families or traders or even small groupings of civilization, but by and large we found nothing much in the two years that we hoofed it from place to place; it was my doing mostly—I wanted to find a place untouched by the mayhem in the area my family had once patrolled.
In retrospect, I am certain that Billy only stayed by my side for convenience; there wasn’t any of my brother left in the man that was my travelling companion for that time. He was a ghost of a person and Mephisto had preyed upon my desire in the worst moment of weakness in my life. There were nights—maybe we’d taken up in a natural alcove for shelter or we’d locked ourselves in some ancient structure for sleep—I’d watch Billy lay where he was, Sibylle’s hat and holster lying beside him, and I’d think of putting him down but he’d stir and in a brief shadow I’d see my brother as he’d been and withdraw to bury my face in fake sleep to be met with images of the night the demons attacked where I’d shake, sweat, and bite my lips so hard I’d drink blood.
Two years we marched around the Appalachians and in that time, I felt myself wither and disconnect.
Upon moving further north we met Indianapolis—that’s what it was called back then—and it was run by an older woman called Lady Lazarus; I reckon her father, affluent and dead, was a fan of Plath. Indianapolis was fortified more than most with its high walls, and its wall men, and its underground facilities which produced substantial ammunition. We—me and Billy’s revenant—were travelling with a group of traders we’d taken up with from out west; they called themselves wizards and although they seemed of the occult, their spirits discounted whatever suspicions I might’ve had of them.
I remember first pushing through that big gate; the town kept with it an indisputable malaise and though we were greeted at the gate by the leader Lady Lazarus—her brothers came along with her—and her jovial demeanor carried a certain infectious quality, I could not help but notice that the regular denizens maintained a healthy distance from their leader (the guards which followed the Lady everywhere probably had something to do with this).
Lady Lazarus touched each of our hands in greeting with enthusiasm and I could not help but notice how soft they were, how vibrant her eyes were, how much she smiled, and how beautiful she was given her age; already her head was fully gray.
Upon meeting each of us, going through the wizard traders first, she came to me, and Billy and she shook my hand then pivoted to Billy.
“Welcome. You can call me Lady.”
Billy caught her hand in his, held it longer than she’d intended so that they held eye contact, and he smiled broadly, tipped the cowboy hat on his head back to expose his smooth forehead and said, “And you can call me Maron, mam. You are quite a sight for a tired man.”
Though Maron—as he’d named himself—was more boy than man, Lady took a disturbed liking to him immediately and we prolonged our stay in Indianapolis after the wizards departed to head west.
Under the rule of Lady, Indianapolis was a theocracy, with her addressing the huddled masses at the steps of her grand abode, she’d preach for hours on sin and strife and quote her favorite passages; though reminiscent of my time with the Rednecks, I never found any truth or sincerity or freedom in her teaching—hers was more trouble, brimstone, fire and I’d had enough of that for a lifetime. Public execution was common. As was torture.
Maron distanced himself further from me, but I remained to keep an eye on him—it was not sentimentality but rather I existed without purpose and conjured some from watching my brother.
Often, Lady invited Maron to her private rooms and though the rumors and speculation ran the full spectrum of perverse speculation, every denizen feigned ignorance at her pregnancy.
Upon giving birth, the infant was malformed with two heads—her brothers took this as an omen and killed the child, put their leader in the stocks for months, and stripped her of dignity while the denizens did to her what they pleased.
Maron rose through the wall men while Lady’s brothers assumed control of Indianapolis and called themselves Bosses; in the time since Lady’s reign, the place was renamed to Golgotha for its closeness to a messiah.
I went west but always found myself drawn back to Golgotha because of some emptiness in me. It was only with Suzanne that I wanted something more and knowing them, I almost believed in a world like the one that children dream about. The world that Gemma and Andrew chased after when they left home, like the one Aggie talked about in her mother’s books. There’s a hopelessness in me that I’ll never be rid of. In the interim between our initial arrival to Golgotha and that flight from that terrible city, I cannot know how many people I sacrificed in convening with demons because I refuse to know because the number would destroy me. That is the worst of it; I do not even have courage enough to face myself or the actions of my past in any substantive way.
Mephisto tainted me so that I could speak with his kind as a dealmaker and the disease grew.
Billy or Maron or whatever he is should have been reaped long ago or better, I should never have brought that abomination alive. Such a cruel world where a deep longing like that can be inverted, weaponized. Me and him should both die; me and him should have died a long time ago.
First/Previous
Archive

"Katsuki Bakugo, the hero known as CoolOff is a villain killer!"
The news circulates throughout the country. It's on TVs, YouTube ads, Posters, Billboards, stickers. If that wasn't enough the people are now wearing badges calling Bakugo a criminal.
"Young Bakugo, I heard what happened. Come we need to leave the country NOW" All Might stressed.
"No, I'm not leaving because a bunch of damn extras starting sympathising with a fucking femicidal maniac"

...

"I'm sorry, I'm just really agitated by this whole thing. I can't believe my entire career as a hero is over" Bakugo said as he looked down at his feet sheepishly.
"Don't be. This whole thing will blow over soon when the truth gets out" All Might responded
"Thanks"
KRAKAKAKOOOOOOOMM!
"What was that"
"I don't know but we should go check it out"
Bakugo stops Yagi
"I should go check it out. You stay, with OFA's embers down to 45% you're in no condition to go fight"
"Fine, but I'd feel more comfortable by your side Young Bakugo...That way I'd know your safe"
"Aww, your making me blush" Bakugo replied sarcasticly as he ran off.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"There's more where that came from" The mysterious voice answered as he joyfully tormented his victim
"Please...Please stop" Izuku pleaded
"NO"
"Now I'm gonna make sure your kind never sees the sun rise again. INDISCRIMINATE SHOCK 1.3 MILLION VOLT-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP NERD"
Bakugo caught Denki off guard
"Wait. Are you that pathetic quirkless murderer guy i've been hearing about because frankly you're such a damn bore" Bakugo teased
"A-Are you making fun of me" Denki questioned
"Duh! What else do you think I was doing shit for brains"
Denki gasped
"That's soo rude" Denki reacted
"KAAACHAN!" Izuku gleefully cried
"Oh hey Deku"
"Wait. You know this juvenile" Denki queried
"Well-um yes? Kaachan and I go way back. We used to hang out back in Junior High"
"DEKU!!! Stop telling the bad guy E V E R Y T H I N G" Bakugo started grinding his teeth in frustration.
"Oh...sorry"
"HUMAN STUN GUN!" Denki electrocutes both Deku and CoolOff and runs off
All Might smacks Denki with a wooden plank effectively knocking him out
^{"Timber from Cainz...Specifically Miura Smash"} All Might careful whispers to his sleeping opponent.
"Who are you talking to?" Bakugo said bluntly
"N-No one" All Might hastily said
"Is that?...All Miiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhttttt" Izuku breaks out into a fanboy frenzy
"Yes, it is I young man. You must be awfully scared but fear not for I am here"
Izuku starts crying and tells All Might about how scared he was
"What do we do with this piece of crap now?"
"We?"
"We" Bakugo confirmed
"OW!" Bakugo yelled
"What's wrong Young Bakugo?" All Might asked
"Yea Kaachan are you alright?"
"I'm FIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEE"
Bakugo was indeed not fine
"You're sweating and your arms are covered with black veins"
"Huh?"
"Denki has an electric-type quirk" Izuku blurted
"Then it's worse than I thought" All Might added
"I think...You might be dying"
Bakugo laughs at All Might
"What are you crazy?"
"I'm quite serious Young Bakugo..How's your breathing and your heart rate. Check your heart rate"
"Alright All Might"
Bakugo checks his resting heart rate
"It says 160. Is that good?"
All Might dissolves back into skinny form
"You should be dead" All Might articulated
Blood starts dripping from Bakugo arms and old wounds start opening up
"That's not good"
"NO SHIT DEKU"
Bakugo's heart rate starts rapidly beating as if it were to explode
Bakugo struggles to breathe
He tries to shake the feeling off but ends up splashing his blood all over Deku
Bakugo realises his time is up and flys as far away as he can from the city and people
He explodes in an abandoned warehouse
Tears drop down All Might's face as he hears his protege's demise
Izuku goes home that night upset and gloomy.
He wakes up the next day
And punches his door in a fit of rage
His arms explode off
Terrified Izuku calls his mom for help.
4 hours later
"The surgeons have managed to successfully reattach your arms Izuku"
"Are you ok, honey?" Inko asked worried about her son's spontaneous combustion
"I'm fine mom"
BREAKING NEWS! TEEN HERO COOLOFF FOUND DEAD IN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
Inko switches off the tv
"I'll give you some space"
Inko exits the room and heads over to get some coffee
Izuku's door opens
"Mom, I thought I made it clear I wanted to be left alone"
"Well then it's a good thing I'm not your mom"
"ALL MIIIIIGGHHHT"
"Hello Izuku-Kun, I heard your arms exploded off which is why I came"
"You see Bakugo is....dead. Which I'm sure you already know but what you don't know is that I gave my power to Bakugo..One For All...And he gave that power to you"
"Me? Why would Kaachan give OFA to me?"
"Well he didn't do it intentionally. When he tried shaking all his blood off some of it must've entered your mouth or gone up your nose and with the intention in mind to transfer the power you received it"
"Why would Kaachan want to give up this power?"
"Because his burden proved to great for him to handle"
"I'm sure you took note of the media cancelling Young Bakugo"
"I did"
"Well the media kind of twisted the truth and as a result Young Bakugo has been having thoughts of quitting for months. He let his rage get the better of him and now he's....May his soul rest in piece".
"Now that your arms have been fixed I think it's time to start your training"
Meanwhile in an abandoned warehouse
"Ah! CoolOff the 9th and last user of OFA! Now OFA will finally be mine!
The mysterious man grabbed CoolOff's hand but to his surprise no OFA
"He passed it on. I should've expected this of course Toshinori's protege would have his own protege". The mysterious man thought
"No matter. I'll make use of what I can" the mysterious man said a loud as he carried CoolOff's corpse to his van before driving off
"Vive Les Puissants"
Fin.
Some trivia about this universe:

• In this universe Bakugo is given OFA (at least 2 years before he ends up in UA).
  
• Bakugo is a lot nicer and friendlier to All Might than everyone else (All Might gives up on his relentless quest of finding a quirkless aspiring hero. It's been 20 years so he just gives OFA to the strongest and most dedicated aspiring hero he can find).
  
• Izuku also pulls up to UA (quirkless. He's in the General Education Department).
  
• All Might uses tech from David and Melissa Shield as well as Mei Hatsume and Power Loader [to make up for OFA's declining embers All Might utilises tech to continue his day-to-day hero pursuits. All Might's support gear includes: Electromagnetic Soles (for speed), High Density Capture Nets (neatly compressed and fired from a gun to swiftly capture one's foes), Koete Arm Bracers (a mix between Izuku's Airforce gloves, the mid-gauntlet and the full gauntlet. It's reinforced with iron, tungsten, tantalum, and vanadium. The fingertips of the Arm Bracers are covered with potassium chlorate, sulfur, and nitroglycerin [covered with resin so All Might doesn't accidentally set himself on fire. These coin-like projectiles activate when All Might flicks them at his opponents], The QAD (David Shield's Quirk Amplification device. The prototype was a headset but since then the design has been redeveloped and has been drastically changed to a set of trendy shades), and a Jetpack (to allow All Might to fly without placing further strain on OFA's embers).
  
• Weirdly enough Bakugo has been silently doing hero work for 2 years (He's following Eraserhead's footsteps by avoiding the media).
  
• Bakugo comes face to face with his arch nemesis [the weird slime villain who got the better of him 2 years ago] and blasts him to smithereens...This creates a very unfortunate series of events of Bakugo.
  

I wasn’t raised by a narc but my ex u/mandaw147 was and I’m fearful that it is genetic. I listened to her talk about her mom and it’s the same character traits. I was super loved bomb in the beginning, used, then once she had new supply, easily disgarded. Sad part was that I avoided dating her but she was relentless until I did even after I told her my story and everything I went through. She would get mad if I mentioned an ex but was talking to them and lied to me about one in particular. She has been in contact with him since 2019, while both were still very married. I feel lied to and used. She is constantly with others and is doing the same exact things she said her mom did. She will put new supply in front of everything. It’s sad seeing someone you care about self destruct but also sad to realize you never really knew them. When we dated, she made it seem like random sex wasn’t something she did but she was literally with someone 12 days after we were intimate. Is this just part of narcissism? I’ve never dealt with this personality type?? How can someone pretend to be something they are not for so long or act the same way as someone they claim did them wrong as a child? Yesterday was the last straw for me seeing her as kind and loving. She knew she’d be away for five days and instead of being with a kid, she chose supply. Kid was sick and she still chose the supply over even asking how she was. When we dated, she would have never done that. Is this part of narcissism where sex and new supply Trump everything? We live in a small town and people talk and it’s just totally embarrassing to me bc they are associating me as someone who does the same things and I don’t. She is talking to one guy in particular and people are saying she’s a gold digger etc and saying wasn’t that your friend? I just say I don’t know her. I hate to lie but i don’t want my name associated with that. I work very hard, pay all my own bills. Anyway, what are the best methods to come to terms with dating a narcissist person and realizing this is just who they are? It’s sad, it hurts but I do not want her in my life at all. I even ended a friendship or any tie to her. Reputation matters to me. Gold digging, sleeping around is not something I want tied to my name.

For tdlr scroll down
I know this sub is for Tinder or dating apps, and my life stories may not have a place here, but I have been following this sub for a long time. So, I wanted to share with you guys. I don’t think I was wrong, but let’s see your perspective too.
I have been a good academically and a decent person. I met so many good women in my life, too, whom I dated casually and had a few serious relationships. Except for two times, I exited those serious relationships very early because I didn’t feel anything, so we parted ways on good terms. But do baar mujhe pyaar hua. I will tell you about them only.
1.This is my first love and someone I have known since my childhood. She was the daughter of a relative (I mean my bua’s relative, actually). She used to study at my school too. In high school, she chased me for a year, and finally, I gave in. We started dating; it was my first love, and I was happy. Kasme, waade, sapne bohot dekhe. I was a sort of grounded person; I live in the present and enjoy it thoroughly, but she was futuristic with lots of promises and future dreams. "I will have your kids, we will travel the world," blah blah. I did everything to keep her happy. I used to cook for her, I used to write poems for her, we used to go on dates often, and we traveled. But one fine day, I got an invitation to a wedding. Guess what? It was her wedding. I had so many questions: why, how, when? But I got no closure. I never asked for it. I went to the wedding because it was a family thing, and yeah, I never looked back (this was my longest relationship).
2.After a few years and meeting so many people, I fell in love again. To be honest, this time we fell for each other during the initial conversations. Again, there were dreams, sapne, waade. She moved to North America for me, and we moved together into a single house. By this time, I had become a pro at cooking, so I used to go to study, then the office, then back home to cook something delicious for us. I can cook any cuisine irrespective of the continent or country. Till now, I have learned many other skills like piano and guitar, so I used to sing for her, play for her, and we used to dance together. Everything was good; we had mutual friends, and we knew a guy mutually. That guy didn’t like me, and I didn’t like him. I did have a problem with things because my ex told me he does not like me. But I don’t own her; I don’t own anyone. Actually, anyone can do anything in their life.
So, one fine day, I got a video message. It was them doing the deeds. I was shocked and broken and didn’t understand a thing. I tried to gather courage and be rational. She came back and was trying to talk to me. Then I told her I wanted to break up. She asked me why, and I said I was out of love. She started crying and begging, saying that she loves me. Then she started accusing me and some of my other female friends, implying something was going on. She said, "You used to love me and now want to throw me out. Where would I go? I came here from India for you," and all that stuff. I tried to control myself, but then I gave in and showed her the video. Then she was like, "I am sorry, I love you a lot. You are my life; I want to marry you. He made me drunk and took advantage of me. Please forgive me." At that point, I firmly decided this was it. I told her she could stay till she found accommodation, then I went to my friend's home and stayed there for a few days. But she kept pursuing me. I canceled the lease and changed my house; still, she did the same thing. During this whole ordeal, I had to change my house twice and delete my Instagram, and finally, now I am free.
I don’t know why all this happened. I don’t know what else I could have done so that they didn’t do that to me. Maybe I was not a good partner. There could be any other reasons. But I don’t hold any grudges against them. I wish wherever they are, they are happy.
These experiences were very important for me; they made me who I am today. I don't hold anything against anyone. These are just two instances. In my life, I have met so many amazing women and am friends with them too.
What’s next? I am kinda hopeful that I will find love. But Thik hai, nahi mila to mami Jo karegi Accha hi karegi. But whoever I have in my life, I will look for two qualities in them, no matter how they look or other things: loyalty and the ability to stand for what they believe in. If they leave, they should leave being brave and open about it. I don’t care about other things like distance, looks, status, or whatever else.
TL;DR: I've had a few serious relationships, but two major ones stood out. The first was with my childhood love who suddenly got married to someone else without any closure for me. The second was with someone who moved to North America for me, but she cheated on me with a mutual friend. After discovering this, I ended the relationship and had to move houses and delete social media to get away from her. These experiences were tough but important, shaping who I am today.

UWorld - 61% average with 78% complete CBSE - 43 (40ish days out) Form 28 - 62 (offline, 20ish days out) Form 29 - 67 (offline, 15ish days out) Form 31 - 72 (online, 9ish days out) Form 30 - 78 (offline, 5ish days out) New Free 120 - 74 (2 days out)
I know how daunting this exam is and happy to share my experience as I know I benefited from these write ups when I was going through it. Passed a few weeks ago with a mid April date, but just getting around to this now.
Prior to dedicated had barely reviewed any material. I only really recalled hematology and repro as they were our last two blocks, and half of sketchy micro as I had done that over winter break.
If I had to give advice, I would say that if you have prestudied just micro and pharm (I do sketchy but in any modality) you will have a comparatively relaxed dedicated as these took a significant time for me.
I had around a 5 week dedicated since I had a trip planned and wanted to stick to it.
First week - downloaded pepper deck for sketchy micro pharm, started working through remaining micro and then a majority of pharm (tried for folder a day but sometimes too much), would read a chapter of first aid each evening (not sure if this helped really)
Second week - wrapped up a majority of pharm late this week and stopped introing regularly. Was beginning uworld blocks and starting in the 50-60s with only content I had read through in first aid + micro/pharm. Finished the first aid read and started doing full random, timed, tutor uworld blocks. Made cards out of incorrects on Anki + related topics/mnemonics I would find online, in first aid, or in dirty medicine. Printed out a 200 box sheet for offline nbmes. Also started listening to goljan on drives and walks here - didn’t get through all but probably around half the lectures over the following weeks in some weak areas.
Third week - kept doing uworld blocks (3 a day was the goal), scores could get into 70s rarely if I got a good block. Watched occasional pathoma or dirty medicine video on topics I felt bad in. Reviewed pathoma 1-3 after missing much of immuno questions in a nbme. I felt very confident on pharm and micro now, physio was ok after first aid and seeing it repeatedly, but weak on pathology still. Was reassured that my scores were ok but I really just felt dumb.
Fourth week - I decided I needed to learn pathology. Set out a 8 day schedule to work through all of pathoma + intro duke pathoma cards + 1 block of uworld daily. This was very ambitious and did not succeed (especially in keeping up with Anki cards) but at least covered cardio, renal, pulm, endo, GI in full and did cards at least twice. I do think this helped. Also started looking through mehlman risk factor, neuroanatomy, msk, and Endo pdfs. Dirty med was great for a biochem review. Kept memorizing a ton of random mnemonics from dirty or first aid using Anki. Uworld blocks could hit 70s pretty frequently.
Fifth week - was really considering pushing. Scores were ok but confidence was in the gutter. I was hitting the equilibrium block of info coming in as fast as I was forgetting it, and realized I just had to go for it. I knew I was weak in some concepts (ex. Msk) but I felt like it wasn’t worth it to me to go through it all and forget something else. Just kept doing uworld to try to get my percentage up and cuz I didn’t know what else to do. Did some sketchy pharm I was missing (lipid drugs, migraines, etc.) since was missing questions on them. Was really only keeping up with mnemonic, anking incorrect cards, and sketchy pharm at this point.
Test - around 3 hours of sleep cuz schedule was shit sleeping at 2am everyday. Though I’m used to low sleep before tests so was fine. Exam felt like uworld blocks. I felt really bad in the 1st, 3rd, 4th blocks since I had flag streaks of 6-7 questions in a row, but I was also not remembering the gimme questions most likely that I was getting right. About 10ish questions that I knew I missed or was like “oh I should study this” and never did like a few days ago. Overall didn’t feel terrible but didn’t feel good and was not confident I passed.
I will say trusting scores is harder than it seems, especially when we see people with good scores fail online. Just understand that there are a lot of uncontrolled factors with anything you see online, but if you are taking your tests in as controlled circumstances as possible then you should try and trust them as much as possible. For people cramming this exam in a few weeks, we are not going to know everything - just be as confident as you can in what you are good in and that will go a long way. And remember that 85%+ people pass this thing, and (if possible in your circumstance) it is not hard to give yourself a fighting chance with a few weeks of full-time committed effort.
Good luck everyone now or in the future. We can get through this. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Hey all ! , my case was refused in 2019 and i submitted a request for review in the same year and till this day i still emailing USCIS , CIS ombudsman office and getting every time the same message from both offices that says we are working on your case we are not forgetting your etc. . - Till month ago the ombudsman office sent an email telling me a new update from USCIS and replied to me what the USCIS said to them and it was different from what they said 4 years ago and the message is : ——— U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) responded to us and said it is still actively reviewing your I-590- Registration for Classification as Refugee and completing the necessary checks required for all its forms. USCIS also said it cannot give us a specific timeframe for when it will resolve your case. Therefore, we have closed your request. ———- So should I consider it this time as real thing going on or it’s only bluffing move from them to make me wait ? . ——— P.s: i can’t apply again in the immigration this is my only chance and I’ll appreciate the help .

My (34F) fiance (44F) have been together for 11 months, engaged for 9 of them. When we first met, I got out of a very toxic and abusive relationship [on both sides]. I was with someone that used me as a trophy girlfriend and I was using them for security and stability. We were both aware of it. Not my proudest moment.
Yesterday was his Birthday, and something happened that made me question whether he gaslights me, and how long he’s been doing it.
It was the hottest day of the year so far. We had to drop off his car to get his steering fixed. To kill time, we decided to walk downtown and sit down somewhere to have a bite.
We went into a small resto neither one of us have been in before. Being bisexual, I immediately noticed how attractive our waitress was. She was dark haired, slim, with beautiful manicured hands and was about 20-22 y/o.
He started following her with his eyes even before we sat down inside, when she was working on the patio. When she came to our table and took his order, he literally kicked back in his chair as he told her his order, which made it look like he was obviously stunned by how hot she was. After that he made every attempt to discreetly follow her with his eyes all over the resto. One time when we were talking, he did that thing that guys do when they steal a glance at a woman they find hot, then right back at you just as you’re looking back at them, making it seem like they’re only looking at you. He did that twice. I made it look like I didn’t notice, but I did.
Well aware of what was happening, I asked him “How old do you think our waitress is?” He replied, “Which one?” There was another older, overweight lady working in the resto together with that girl. He also started staring in the direction of the hot waitress, seeking her out with his eyes and making it out like he never even once looked at her before I asked him that question.
I was floored. I realized, in that moment, that he blatantly lied to me. My heart sunk. He asked me what’s wrong, I said “You don’t remember what our waitress looks like? The only person you’ve interacted with in here besides me?”, he said “No, I wasn’t paying attention, but I will now to tell you how old I think she is, which is about 20 now that I’m looking at her.”
This developed into a fight where he was denying ever even looking at her, when I could clearly see he also found her hot and literally couldn’t stop following her with his eyes. I left the resto abruptly and said “Enjoy your meal.” I never ordered food, only had water.
We met up afterwards, and this thing turned into a whole-day fight. He kept saying things like “You’re making this up”, “There is something wrong with you”, “You’re delusional” and “You should know me better than that! But instead, you’re making me feel like a piece of shit who is slutting around out there.” He always reminds me of how good of a guy he is and is always shocked as to why I don’t full trust him “this far into the relationship”, to which I reply “What? 11 months? That’s just the honeymoon phase honey. I still don’t know you.”
I never backed down once. I stood my ground and kept saying “I know what I saw” the entire day. The thing is, it’s not that he found someone else hot - we are all human, that’s bound to happen. It’s that he blatantly lied about it, gaslighted me, and made me feel like I was some psycho with delusional thoughts.
I felt sorry for this whole thing falling on his Birthday which I’m sure I’ll hear about for a while, but I refuse to sit there and be disrespected like that, especially since he’s a guy that constantly tells me that I’m “amazing” and “the most beautiful woman he’s ever met.” Certainly doesn’t feel like that when he can be so swayed by a young waitress and lies about it.
TL;DR My fiance found a waitress hot and completely denied it despite me sitting beside him the entire time.

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We've all seen the comments of "Meggy is 14, Mario is 40", or even MeGgY X MaRiO iS PeDoPhiLiA, or ones who agree that they are adults but think they are like brothers, but why do these people stick with this logic? How do we understand their logic and how can we weaponize it against them? And now that Medi's video is out, can it be our ultimate weapon?
It's ya boi Mohammed Al Maued, aka u/mohammedalmawid and i'm revising my old post about MxM Haters & Their Logic due to the new wave of MxM shippers and enjoyers after Medi's video, and even the people who saw my old post a year ago
Let's start off with saying what their logic is:
In Splatoon lore, Inklings can compete in Splatfest starting from Age 14, and the Mario franchise(including Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. Classic) is about 42 to 43 years old
Rumors started claiming that Meggy is 14 because in Nintendo Splatoon canon, the age at which Inklings can compete in Splatfest is 14
This logic has unfortunately been weaponized by MxM haters and SOME Meggy X Tari shippers to justify the claim that MxM is PeDoPhIlIa
Why do people stick with it?
They have grown with that idea, you can never change a resilient coping fan on Twitter, and because of that bullshit, SMG4 had to give Meggy a known age and Medi had to explain the aging argument in his video
How do we understand their logic?
Basing a cartoon off of United States law is the dumbest thing anyone could ever do, this logic does not need to be understood
It's like basing Sonic off of US Law, in that case, Sonic and his friends get the firing squad instead of being reveared as heroes
And the logic that Meggy and Mario are like brothers is somewhat realistic, but it has changed, or is redundant
How do we weaponize it against them
In the previous post, I used to reccomend using their same logic as a basis for your argument, for example, SonAmy
Sonic is 15, and Amy is 12, is SonAmy pedophilia? No, because Sonic and Amy's age is now ambigious, some age them in the years they were introduced in, with Sonic being 32 nearing 33 and Amy 30, nearing 31 some still age them as 15 and 12, you don't know with SonAmy, you can't predict anything with the biggest ship in the Sonic fandom
Or, i'm sorry for saying this, weaponize it on some Meggy X Tari shippers who hate MxM, the emphisis is on Some
Some haters secretly or openly ship Meggy X Tari, if they try to use the MxM logic, Meggy is 14 and Tari is in her 20s, shouldn't Meggy X Tari be Pedophilia? Or is it a case of "Rules for thee, not for me"? Even though Meggy X Mario and Meggy X Tari are like branches of the same olive tree, we unfortunately have to deal with coping twitter users who realised Mario is 24 to 25 and Meggy is 22 nearing 23 and try their best to stick to their opinion
Ironically, after Medi's video, all you need to do is send these idiots his video, you don't need to counter-argue, only if necessary

In conclusion, i do not condone any attacks on MxT shippers including me because of a loud minority on Twitter, and on the haters themselves, but now we know their logic, yet again, i hope i don't need to make a 2025 version

And remember, it's Maued not Mawid and Peace be upon you!

Does anyone know good ways of sinking leaders reputations? I wanted to see if there might be ways of stirring royal conflicts. My go to is having an Eurmali chief.
One plot event you can trigger seems to be with Venef and Iverlantho. It seems like if Venef is 30 or over and has a better reputation than Iverlantho at that point, some memebers want to have him plot the overthrow of Iverlantho.(or convince him to step aside at least) Venef seems to refuse it the one time I had this event, but I wonder if there might be something that could turn him?
One other event that might seem influential would be when Iverlantho says something bad about Venef to the court and it can resolve negatively. Could that flip Venef’s loyalty?
There is also the “kidnapping” event I wonder about. This event seems to eventually trigger if you have 7 or more clan members against the royals in the majority and have a low enough mood. It would be interesting to see if there was some way to flip a royal into being a plotter.
The easyish way you can determine if a character has royalist sympathies is to send them to the Sidarsi goat people and trigger a text event where the Sidarsi ask what your thoughts on kings are. If they say its past its time, you know they’re anti royalist. The other 2 opinions you can get are neutral stance and pro crown. Interestingly, Erenlanth has a neutral stance. I’ve tried to figure out a way to flip him into an anti royalist, but it doesn’t seem possible… You can actually flip Serestev against the crown if the event where Erenlanth’s followers throw dung at Serestev’s followers, and the event ends badly enough.( Serestev isn’t always royalist by default) Hanth might have a similar result with a Venef event, though I’ve never seen him actually flip loyalty.
One other tip for the Sidarsi goat people visit strategy. If you go to that location multiple times sometimes it triggers a lost in Raven’s world event. It seems like you can’t get rid if it, once it starts there. But if you restore the game far back enough and avoid the Sidarsi location a little, it can avoid getting you locked into the Raven event. If you are struggling to get more anti royalist nobles I send someone royalist or neutral into Humakts ritual and have them die or embrace death to get rid of them and possibly generate a new anti royalist noble. (Seems random)

Hello everyone,
First I'll say thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'll get straight to the point, and try to keep it short.
I'm in search for a device that would help me through school (going for an applied science degree) and here is a list of things that are some factors that play into what will decide what I will buy:

• I'm predominately a left handed person. Although if there is absolutely no other way, I can adapt.
• Whatever it is that I get, will most likely stick with me until it is dang near obsolete, and will be the dedicated reading device for probably the next five to ten years.
• I have a massive amount of "floaters" in my eyes. I don't know if that is a cause or an effect of something. anyone has any tips on that issue feel free to let me know, and don't be afraid to tell me like it is about it. So basically if the background is white and the words are black, I'll instantly attempt to switch to dark mode. I'd rather be a vampire and see the light of day and my skin light on fire before I ever look at a blinding white screen of death.

I had a room-mate that had a kindle, I noticed how the battery life was insanely great. (So, if I could charge it like once a week or even once a month, that would sound pretty fair. Of course that would depend on use. I generally game for entertainment, but if I find a dang good book I'll get stuck in it and do nothing else.) I didn't mind the screen being the way that it was at the time (somewhere in the ballpark of 2011 or 2012). But now I'm hoping that with today's technology and what have you, that I would be able to put all kinds of pdf files and whatever for school. Take notes on it, and whatever. Maybe I need a scribe? The wiki page for kindle states that folks complained about its abilities. Does this mean it does less than a modern kindle? I'm not sure where to go from here, because I'm almost certain I'm going to wind up buying something in the ballpark of hundreds of dollars. I don't mind spending as long as it does the job, is durable to some extent, battery life doesn't dry up quick, and if it can accommodate a lefty, then wonderful! Thank you once again for your time.

I wrote this after a breakup. 3 months later I got with a different person and then i accidentally adopted some of my ex’s toxic traits
✅= relevant and switched in relationship #2. ❌ = irrelevant in relationship #2 ❓= idk
Why we wouldn’t have worked - -we didn’t see each other as equal, you always put me on some sort of pedestal as if i were some sort of goddess over others when I’m not.✅(i do romanticize him in my head) - -Lack of trust, I didn’t trust you, especially later in the relationship. I felt I couldn’t tell you how i was really feeling without hurting you and i didn’t want to do that ❓(i trusted him completely but idk if it went both ways) - -You’d always play the victim, every time I brought up an issue i had with what was going on in the relationship you’d immediately put the blame on yourself ✅( i do this still because if I don’t make myself feel bad im scared i won’t be able to fix my behavior, even if it’s something minor) - -Lack of respect ❌ - -Not the same maturity levels❌ - -Our personalities aren’t compatible❓ - -You think im your only source of happiness✅ (relatively true, I committed myself completely to this person after he love bombed me and so i was hanging out with his social circles instead of mine) - -Our conversations never had much substance ❌ - -I have terrible commitment issues ❌ - -I always felt objectified in one way or another ❓(I hope he didn’t feel objectified, I wanted to wait until marriage just as much as he did) - -I felt obligated to stay with you❓(i hope he didn’t feel this way but from the mixed signals i got.. maybe) - -Our beliefs didn’t match up ❓( idk what my beliefs are aside from very basic principles ) - -You lied a lot ❌ - -I could never understand your true intentions ❓ ( he probably knew my true intentions ) - -Ik u didn’t mean to, but you did manipulate me a little and I noticed and just let it happen ❓ - -I have no spine, I couldn’t ever tell you how i really felt near the end ❓(id ask him questions about this kinda stuff and he’d always respond with “you should know me well enough by now) - -Intimacy, and relationships in general are just plain ridiculous to me ❌ - -Now, whenever I’m around you i get so anxious because I have no clue what you’ll do or say next❓( i hope he doesn’t feel this way either but he might just because of how destructive i can be ) - -You didn’t take responsibility for your own mental health and just tossed the responsibility onto me ✅ (i think i did do this but i also think im not fully to blame and that he had a savior complex) - -You were very pessimistic and it rubbed off on me, affecting my mental health ❓(grey area, the toxicity of the relationship in general was bad for both of us)