Rib tattoos

I’ve been debating a sleeve for a long time. Finally reached out to my artist.. we had a set date to meet and go over ideas/talk it through. I was heavily heavily heavily debating about canceling…I wasn’t certain I wanted it, didn’t believe it would look good, I’d miss my skin?? As weird as that sounds….. before I could cancel he emailed me and said he was out sick. I felt total sense of relief…. I’m not new tattoos. I have 2 half sleeves, both ribs, upper thigh and upper back done… I’ve never had this feeling before. I’ve been debating/wanting the sleeve for a solid year now. When it was time to step up I totally got cold feet…. Anybody else ever feel this way before? Sign I should wait? I know dumb questions, I’m more just ranting I suppose…. Maybe totally wrong place to post too.

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"

[TLDR: my back pain suddenly worsened to a terrifying degree snd I'm quickly losing funxtion in my lower body, cannot walk or stand unassisted, rx meds arent touching it, having anxiety attacks and imaging is scheduled too far out. Should i go to the hospital? Today feels like an emergency due to loss of function.] . . . I've been in pain my whole life. I periodically see a specialist for connective tissue disorders. I did genetic testing and it came back unclassified but confirmed connective tissue disorder (doctor generally says EDS despite no category). About 2 months ago I suddenly had a severe change in my back pain. For my whole life it was exacerbated my movement, chronic sciatica woth numbness down my right leg, general intense aching pain etc. This is so different I feel there aren't words to describe it. It gets worse every day. I am not exaggerating when I say it is worse than childbirth, worse than scalp tattooing, worse than broken ribs, unmedicated organ removals, etc. It is so beyond the 1-10 scale. I am bordering suicidal daily because it puts me in a crisis point. I no longer walk unassisted, I'm using my wheelchair most of the time but the pain is not at all helped, this is because the weakness down both legs has become too severe to risk another fall (recently fell in the shower when I lost control in lower back and both legs, busted my knee through the side of the fiberglass tub, landlord is pissed). Anyway I was put on suboxone (1/16 of the starting dose) for pain and had a bad reaction to it. My doctor started me on fent patches, 25mcg and didn't affect me. 50 didn't either. She's a naturopath so she called a pharmacist and was told 50 is "an extremely high dose" despite having other patients on 200-300 mag from other prescribes. I went up to the 62.5 dose and it was the pain equivalent of your eyes adjusting slightly to seeing (not) in a dark room. The pharmacy had issues, my insurance doesn't cover so my partner paid for it, in the interim she gave me 300mg of lyrica 12hrs apart. It didn't help. The other night she had said a pain doctor told her I should take the lyrica and patches together so I tried it. All day passing out and vomiting, called a pharmacy they said it was extremely dangerous and could kill me to take them at the same time after a week off the fent. Now I'm only on the lyrica and my doctor finally admitted she is not equipped to treat the pain but what the fuck else do I do? Pain clinic here barred me bc 5 Years ago I got off heroin (addicted because of chronic pain) and needed help, and now I'm blacklisted from pain provideds. So now I'm stuck without further providing, a lyrica rx and being told in addition to 3x weekly UA at rehab (for alcohol not meds) I have to do more random UAs to prove I'm not doing drugs, had to sign a contract with her saying I won't ask other doctors for pain meds (what the fuck do I do if she can't help me then?) And waiting on insurance to approve a tethered cord MRI next month. I can't keep fucking waiting. Today has been so bad I'm in a panic considering going to the hospital to try and get an MRI. I got a xray and it showed no problem, but since then I can't walk anymore, pins and needles in both feet, can't use the bathroom properly (mild incontinence as well) and can't feed or dress or bathe myself alone. How do I get help? This seems urgent, it seems like something more is wrong rhan just chronic pain, it got bad suddenly with no injury causing it, I'm losing function, what the fuck do I do??? I also have pollen allergies and sneezing feels like being smashed with a hammer right on my sacrum. Lifted a <10lb box today while in a wheelchair and screamed out of my control and threw up in my mouth with pain. I can't live like this one more day, please any advice on getting urgent help

hi so I just got a tattoo 3 days ago (on the 13/05) and it’s my second tattoo but only 1st with saniderm/ second skin
so my artist told me I can take off the second skin between day 3 and 5. I was thinking of taking it off tonight in the shower but need to wash my hair tomorrow and was wondering if shampoo will irritate the tattoo (it’s on my ribs so shampoo will probably get there while washing my hair)
so should I take it off today in or wait till after I’ve washed my hair tomorrow ?! And will it be healed enough to be fine with shampoo tomorrow? Thanks in advance ☺️☺️

So this morning I went to get a consultation for removing my only tattoo (large, black and grey, neotrad rib piece). The woman I spoke with answered all my questions and was very nice, but seemed reluctant to remove it. She said it was done beautifully and is a really great piece of artwork and that I should think a bit more about removing it.
The tattoo is 3 months old, so I can see how this seems spontaeneous to her. I agree that it looks great, I haven't been able to show it off or enjoy it much though due to still living at home and my parents being very anti-tattoo. I still have this feeling that the tattoo doesn't quite fit my personality, but maybe it just needs time to settle? She gave me the option of doing one session to lighten it and see how I feel about it, but ultimately she'll respect my decision if I want to remove it completely.
Have you guys had similar experiences? Anyone regretted removing a tattoo because of outside pressure? Any advice is appreciated, I am very confused at the moment.

I've been thinking of getting my first tattoo and I want it to be BTS inspired. I want it to be related to magic shop because this song has helped me a lot.
I'm currently thinking of getting "I'll show you" on my ribs which would be like an affirmation to me and wouldn't scream BTS to people who don't know!
Drop in some suggestions y'all💜

I’m planning on getting a small tattoo of my daughters birth flower and birth date on either my wrist or forearm, it’s been 10+ years since I’ve gotten tattooed and I remember never finding it painful but I haven’t ever had my arms tattooed. I currently have a hip tattoo, a rib tattoo and a piece on the upper half of my back and I don’t recall any real pain it was always just like a cat scratch, is the wrist/forearm area more painful then those areas? I know everyone’s pain tolerance is different and I feel like I have a decent one after giving birth but I’m oddly nervous!

SPOILERS FOR THE NIER FFXIV COLLAB MISSION, DRAKENGARD 1 & 3, REPLICANT, AND AUTOMATA
Okay, I don't know if this has already been theorized, but I just came up with this. I'm on a long road trip and I have a lot of time and a lot of thoughts. Anyway, for years I have been wondering the reasoning as to WHY Eve has a tattoo of the cult of the watchers symbol. I think I might have just thought of something. So we all know that God is doing his best to get rid of this world. So he has the watchers come down and destroy it. We also see twins being a common motif when it comes to representations of the watchers and those who are hosts of the evil flower (i.e. the one twins, sere and mana, and I would maybe even argue Nier's D & P since their actions resulted in the failure of project gestalt). Twins are usually a bad omen in this series. But I had a thought about how Adam and Eve were created. If you all remember, Adam was birthed from an almost spherical egg/cocoon made up of various machines. What if... Somehow... The machines managed to create an artificial seed of destruction? I know that this sounds crazy and I might just be grasping at straws for a deeper connection to the watchers. But looking back at that cocoon shape just reminded me too much of the seeds of destruction. Also, Eve's birth may be a replication of the Bible story (where he is birthed out of an injury in Adam's ribs) but don't forget, One did the same thing to create brother One. In the DG3 dlc, One's chapter explains how she took one of her own ribs and fashioned herself a brother. I feel like the connections to the watchers and the dark flower are too strong for a seed of destruction to be completely out of the question. Especially since we see one in the FFXIV Nier mission. They are still floating around and causing chaos even in different timelines. While I know Yoko Taro LOVES to mess around with timelines and somethings may apply to certain lines and not others, I still think that this is a really cool idea. Maybe Yoko Taro just added those references to mess with us, or maybe there's something we will learn later. Who knows? But I would love to hear y'all's thoughts on this.
This is, above all, a THEORY. Please be nice in the comments.

So I haven’t really tattooed many areas like the back, stomach and ribs. I’ve done a few small ones here and there and always found it to be extremely difficult, I’d pull a line normally and I know you need to stretch more than usual but my lines never seem to come out fully saturated like and clean.
Just wondering if there’s any way to make my life easier when it comes to these areas as I’ve got a stomach tattoo and a back tattoo booked in soon.
Any advice will be appreciated! Thank you

I have a lot of black and gray tattoos and I just got my first one that had a little bit of red in it. My tattoos normally heal very well and I have very little redness around. It’s a small tattoo and I got another one that was a lot bigger on the same day that was only back and gray and it looks completely fine.
I have redness all around the tattoo with the red ink, it’s only day 2 so I know it’s not something to actually worry about yet but this kind of redness isn’t normal for me. It’s not itchy or anything, there’s no rash, just an unusual redness that extends all around the tattoo. It feels like it’s a lot more sensitive than the other tattoo I got on the same day even though the other one is on my ribs and the one I’m worried about is on my forearm. Not too concerned about it yet but I do know that you can be allergic to a specific ink color and I’d like to prevent this from getting worse if I can. Should I start taking antibiotics? Or is that unnecessary for now?

Hi guys! Been browsing trying to find some advice, but figured it would be more accurate to describe my situation and ask directly.
I'm going to South Korea this summer and have been following a few tattoo artists from there whose work I absolutely love, and who I'd really like to get tattoos from. I will be there for a month and have several things scheduled (travelling with a University programme).
Realistically how would getting a tattoo done during my stay affect the rest of it? Specifically in terms of:
1) Doing stuff (travelling, exploring, going to class) after
2) Plane ride home (14 hours min.)
3) Healing, products, etc.
Also, would it be stupid to get more than one? There are several artists (3 of them) and I'd love to get a tattoo from all or at least two of them. The tattoos would be in different placements.
I've never gotten tattoos done before. Am I overestimating myself? Would getting more than one make things trickier?
Thanks in advance!!
Edit: realised placement might be relevant so: - small one on my ankle - medium sized on hip/upper thigh - possibly one on my sternum/ribs (still unsure because I've heard those really hurt but let's pretend I've decided)

Hi all !
I was wondering if anyone had insight on how prone someone can be to getting keloids from tattoos if they never got it in the past?
I don’t even know if anyone will know the answer to this since there’s no way of knowing but maybe someone is in the same position as me?
I got tattoos from ages 18-23 ranging from tiny finger and side of wrist ones, medium sized ones on my back and ribs. One small one on front of my hip, sort of upper pelvic but to the side under my hip bone. Half we’re done by amateur artists and half by experienced pros. All have shading and color. None of them have ever developed keloids.
On my moms side I have family history of keloids, many of them get it.
I didn’t think I was until I had my first c section in 2020 and this scar developed into a keloid. So itchy and always getting irritated every so often. I had a second c section in 2022 and the surgeon was able to remove my keloids for me but it eventually healed and developed keloids again.
I’ve never gotten keloids until these surgery incisions. Never from piercings (I had lip, nose, ears, and belly button all done between 18-23 years old except ears were as an infant. No keloids. Never got them from doctor injections, regular cuts (although in my age now, 35, I’ve had hyperpigmentation from some cuts after they heal and I didn’t used to when I was younger) but no keloids from those either.
I haven’t gotten tattoos since I was 23 and recently wanted to book for more but I started getting worried since after the c sections developing the keloids, what if tattoos do too? I know it’s possible for this to happen to people.
If it never happened in the past, is that a good sign that it wont develop them? Or can keloids just develop/increase with age?
Or was it because a surgical incision vs needle pricks just aren’t the same level of trauma to the skin?
Any insight helps! Thank you!

Hi all !
I was wondering if anyone had insight on how prone someone can be to getting keloids from tattoos if they never got it in the past?
I don’t even know if anyone will know the answer to this since there’s no way of knowing but maybe someone is in the same position as me?
I got tattoos from ages 18-23 ranging from tiny finger and side of wrist ones, medium sized ones on my back and ribs. One small one on front of my hip, sort of upper pelvic but to the side under my hip bone. Half we’re done by amateur artists and half by experienced pros. All have shading and color. None of them have ever developed keloids.
On my moms side I have family history of keloids, many of them get it.
I didn’t think I was until I had my first c section in 2020 and this scar developed into a keloid. So itchy and always getting irritated every so often. I had a second c section in 2022 and the surgeon was able to remove my keloids for me but it eventually healed and developed keloids again.
I’ve never gotten keloids until these surgery incisions. Never from piercings (I had lip, nose, ears, and belly button all done between 18-23 years old except ears were as an infant. No keloids. Never got them from doctor injections, regular cuts (although in my age now, 35, I’ve had hyperpigmentation from some cuts after they heal and I didn’t used to when I was younger) but no keloids from those either.
I haven’t gotten tattoos since I was 23 and recently wanted to book for more but I started getting worried since after the c sections developing the keloids, what if tattoos do too? I know it’s possible for this to happen to people.
If it never happened in the past, is that a good sign that it wont develop them? Or can keloids just develop/increase with age?
Or was it because a surgical incision vs needle pricks just aren’t the same level of trauma to the skin?
Any insight helps! Thank you!

hey! so i’ve been looking into getting a reduction but have also been considering getting a tattoo on my ribs. i was just wondering if anybody on here has any experience with scars potentially messing up tattoos in that area? since i don’t have my tattoo yet i’m trying to figure out if i should just wait until i’ve had a reduction to get it but don’t really want to have to wait that long if it won’t matter in the end!

I know that rib tattoos hurt A LOT. So do you guys have any tips for me to fight through the pain? My artist said it'll probably take about 5-6 hours. I know you drink lots of water, no alcohol, eat food. Is it better to have more sugar in body? Better to have more protein, should I drink some tylenol? Any tip would be appreciated!