Throwaway for obvious reasons...
Trigger warnings (SA, self harm)
So a bit of a backstory is that I have BPD and had an unusual childhood. I was adopted due to abuse from bio parents and have dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. I'm very gullible and very easy manipulated - not that it justifies my actions at all.
I met my best friend around the start of covid and developed a great friendship with her. She means the world to me and I look up to her more than anyone else in my life. I don't have a good relationship with my mother and I've been very lonely because friendships rarely last long due to my borderline.
My best friend and I have always had a close friendship and she saved me from the 'void' in the past. I was groomed by one of our mutual friends when we had just met and it messed me up. I was very vulnerable and still am, but she has done nothing but show me love and care.
Her boyfriend used to dislike me and think I was dramatic and sort of pathetic because of my anxiety and my episodes where I'd get very depressed and self harm.
About three years ago I started receiving therapy and it made me stop self harming and become a better person. I started using techniques and ways to handle my emotions and not take everything personal. I wasn't fixed from day 1 but I became a lot better than I had ever been. I stopped using BPD as an excuse to blame or hurt myself and found peace with having these cards dealt at an early age and just having to recover and work on myself.
Now to the problem...
My best friend and her boyfriend has had a rocky relationship for the past year or so. Things has become a lot worse and my best friend isn't happy. She was burned out and he didn't put any effort into the relationship.
She wanted to give him another chance and I supported her through her decisions. I started becoming better friends with her boyfriend and would encourage him on a daily basis to make contact to her by calling, texting etc... I suggested date nights and was giving him ideas to surprise her and give her the attention she deserved.
We'd talk daily and we started building a friendship despite his early 'dislike' to me.
Now earlier this year I had some financial problems due to uni and my current living conditions and I told my best friend about looking for a job and how I wasn't able to pay my rent so I would have to move back to my mother. And her boyfriend heard this and decided to send me money, telling me it was for food and rent.
I declined and sent it back since I wasn't interested in having money between friends (from experience cause that can ruin friendships) but he kept insisting. So we spent a couple of hours where I'd send the money back and he would just do another transaction and tell me to keep it.
I gave in eventually and told him I'd pay him back, which he said was fine. About a week or two after that, he would start ranting about intimacy with my best friend and how he wasn't valued and I tried my best to suggest ways he could do it... but he started getting flirty with me.
He would ask what I was wearing and hint about being horny and needing to get off. I'd laugh it off and change subject by saying like "Yeah, that sounds bad. Should hit up 'best friend' and ask her out then."
Over the next few weeks he would try and flirt with me and ask for suggestive pictures which I declined and said it was inappropriate - which he would agree on and say he was sorry... only for him to do it the next day.
The next month comes and he sends me money again which I decline yet again, saying I don't want him to send me money and that I'd like to deal with my problems on my own. He again refused and we had the same situation where when I sent the money back, he'd return it to me again...
I argued a bit with him and said I was grateful but that I can't accept that much money. (It was like $1,000). And he said it was nothing to him because of his job and that he just didn't want to see me struggle.
I decided to just put it in a savings account and pay him back over time so he wouldn't get "upset" about me refusing it. I lied to him the next day and told him that I had gotten a job just for him to stop sending me money... which he seemed to accept at first... But now he started asking me for pictures of myself and would say my best friend would be fine with it. I wanted to tell her but he assured me it was fine and that I shouldn't worry.
I then told him I didn't want to but he kept being persistent and said I wouldn't have to worry about the money if I did it, so I was stupid and sent him snaps of myself... And then it just became even worse. He would ask me multiple times a day and at the same time I was trying to fix their relationship.
Every time he would ask me to send something, I'd try suggesting to see my best friend, which he would disagree on and say he'd rather want me and such... And it became too much for me.
I told him I didn't want to do it and that I'd rather tell my best friend about this because it was so wrong in my head. I started getting depressed and I was anxious all the time... and he didn't want me to. He told me I would ruin everything... I got drunk that night and blacked out just to sleep because I couldn't find peace.
Now 3 weeks ago he was heading home from working abroad and then wanted to spend a night in a hotel with me... So he booked a hotel and had reservations for a spa and then told me to come. I told him no a countless of times and he wouldn't listen... It ended up with me ignoring him and turning my phone off for a whole day.
When he hadn't been able to contact me, he decided to just go home to my best friend and I somehow dodged him.
Then two weeks ago he decided he wanted more videos and pictures so he sent me more money (Like $2,000) and told me he wanted a lot more... And I just broke down. I sent the money back and locked my account and told him I couldn't do this anymore. I had begged him over 10 times to come clean to my best friend and he would turn it around saying I would ruin everything and that I shouldn't feel guilty unless I told her...
This resulted in me not going to uni and missing my exams. I relapsed and self harmed and I called psych and had a voluntary admission to a ward because I was feeling very destructive.
I ended up staying there for a few days and when I got back out, I called up a mutual friend and just broke down and told him everything. I wanted to come clean and accept that I'd lose my best friend... And he said I had to do it because it was so wrong.
I've never felt worse in my life and have to take benzos to sleep because I'm a mental wreck. I indulged in this and have as much responsibility in it as her boyfriend.
I can't look myself in the mirror anymore. I can't eat and I can't even study. My group from uni haven't seen me for a week now and I can barely read a page before breaking down.
But what scares me the most is that I'm afraid I'll lose my best friend... I love her more than anything in this world and she's the only one I've ever had a connection to. I would die for her...
I have to tell her but I don't know how to do it. Our mutual friend suggested I told her before her boyfriend did because he would twist it around... But my head is a mess and I don't know what to do?
I don't know if I can make a TL;DR but basically my best friend's boyfriend forced me to take his money, would flirt with me and try to get nudes and sex from me. I ended up sending him pictures and videos because I couldn't pay him back and he wouldn't let me tell my best friend even though I'm feeling so guilty about it.

For some, intensive meditation can cause mental suffering. The predominantly positive image of meditation makes it difficult for those affected to be heard in the event of side effects, as SWR research shows.
By Linda Huber, SWR
Millions of people in Germany meditate regularly. The offerings range from apps and online courses to meditation in studios and multi-day retreats. According to a Statista Consumer Survey, almost one in four people between the ages of 18 and 64 have a meditation app on their cell phone. A Buddhist tradition has long since become a mass phenomenon and the market for mindfulness is booming, with meditation often being praised as a cure for stress and mental health problems. However, recent scientific studies show that intensive meditation can also trigger serious psychological side effects. This side effect is often ignored or trivialized, as research by the investigative format Vollbild revealed.
One in ten meditators suffers from side effects
In a ten-year long-term study, US psychologist Willoughby Britton from Brown University was able to prove that around one in ten meditators develop side effects that severely restrict them in their everyday life. According to Britton, anxiety, traumatic flashbacks and hypersensitivity are the most common side effects of meditation. German studies also point to undesirable side effects of meditation: a study by a working group at Charité Berlin found that a total of 22 percent of 1,397 meditating test subjects had undesirable effects. Of these, around nine percent were classified as mild and temporary, while 13 percent had moderate to extreme adverse effects that required treatment, were permanent or even required hospitalization.
Negative effects often underestimated
Research on meditation over the past 20 years has mostly shown positive effects such as the reduction of stress or depression. Psychologist Britton criticizes the research on contemplative practices and points out that the negative effects of meditation are often underestimated.
In Germany, the first contact point for victims of meditation side effects has been open for two years at the Institute for Frontier Areas of Psychology and Mental Hygiene in Freiburg. Psychologists Ulrich Ott and Liane Hofmann set up the contact point. They report that the consultation hours are already very popular and that the level of suffering of many of those affected is high. The psychologists suspect a high number of unreported cases and assume that there is a great need for counseling in Germany.
Panic attacks, hospitalization, suicide after meditation
Fullscreen has spoken to several people who have developed severe psychological problems after intensive meditation and had to be treated in a clinic. A 26-year-old student from Wiesbaden describes how he developed panic attacks after intensive meditation with an app and had to be treated in a clinic. A 28-year-old doctoral student from Düsseldorf reports that she developed delusions after an intensive retreat and had to be hospitalized, while a particularly drastic case from Canada shows extreme consequences: A young woman left a ten-day meditation retreat early and took her own life. Her mother reports that her daughter already felt unwell during the retreat. When asked, the meditation center explained that it was deeply saddened by the tragic incident. Teachers are trained to recognize signs of mental imbalance, and students are not asked to continue meditating if they are in distress.
Responsibility seen in meditators
The predominantly positive image of meditation often means that those affected have difficulty being heard and understood when side effects occur, and that providers often see meditators as being responsible.US researcher Britton also observes this: "Blaming the victim is probably the most common reaction. It comes in many different varieties." It is often said that the person has already brought the problems with them. The retreat or the provider are therefore not responsible. Or the person has meditated incorrectly. "The normal meditation teacher wants to be helpful, and then to hear that you have caused harm is a very difficult kind of feedback," says Britton.The psychologists Ott and Hofmann criticize the fact that meditation providers often deny responsibility for possible side effects: "It is of course also the responsibility of the providers to check in advance whether the people are mentally healthy, whether they are stable and not to deny all responsibility with such a disclaimer," says Ott. However, the offers often state: "Participation at your own risk. This clearly places the responsibility on the participants," says Ott.
No mandatory training, no monitoring
How little attention is paid to risks is also shown by an undercover investigation: in a self-experiment, Vollbild asked around 20 meditation providers for a course and stated that the supposed interested party had mental health problems. Only a few advised her to consult a doctor or therapist beforehand. The providers' websites did not provide any information on the risks and side effects of meditation in advance. In Germany, there is the Association of Mindfulness Teachers with eight training institutes and around 1,000 mindfulness teachers. According to full-screen research, undesirable side effects of meditation are an issue in training here. However, the training is voluntary. Anyone who wants to can offer meditation. There are no controls. This is another reason why many meditation teachers are apparently overwhelmed by the psychological damage and side effects of meditation.
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
https://www.tagesschau.de/investigativ/swmeditation-risiken-nebenwirkungen-100.html
Comments to the video:
"The fact that meditation or Buddhist practice in general (not just sitting) has dark sides has always been described. In Buddhist sutras, entire texts are dedicated to the spiritual decline of some practitioners. In Zen, "meditation sickness" is a well-known term, as is "lung" in Tibetan Buddhism. Various studies prove that there are often psychological problems, especially during intensive meditation sessions. For example, one psychologist describes that deprivatized sitting without movement can stress the neurons to such an extent that psychosis-like states can be reached. If you need help or would like more information on the possible symptoms and side effects (based on scientific data), please visit Cheetaw House, they can also help those affected. What Micki describes at the beginning is also something that I consider extremely dangerous, if any teacher says to you "you have to go through this", then you should distance yourself as quickly as possible. Meditation should never be associated with thoughts of self-optimization or the desire for eternal happiness, in Zen they say "Zen brings nothing", or you could say, seek neither happiness nor unhappiness, only in this way can an authentic path be realized, with in my opinion clearly more serenity. Unfortunately, it is not without reason that many practitioners have been saying for a long time that 80 percent of Buddhist offerings are not authentic. Just look at the charlatans who serve as role models these days: Hinnerk Polenski, Shi Heng Yi, Zensho W Kopp... All people who are self-proclaimed masters."
"Shi Heng Yi has never studied Shaolin Buddhism, but has a martial arts master title under an American, yet the Otterberg Temple claimed to teach people on official behalf of the Henan Mother Temple, the warning then came quickly, officially Shi Heng Yi has recently made the first pin in the Warrior Monk Duan Pin System, so he is at the level of a novice. Nevertheless, he sells books on Zen Buddhism and the like. (Shaolin is Chan, Japanese Zen) and also meditation courses with dubious people for thousands of euros, which of course has nothing to do with Zen or Shaolin. Then Hinnerk, could never prove his mastery, like many others of the controversial Oi Saidan lineage he was only in the monastery for a few weeks. Zensho W Kopp, claims to have received Zen mastery from a teacher, but as I said, this man is only a teacher and not a master and therefore cannot confer mastery, but has never claimed to do so. It is clear that this can only result in spiritual confusion, but people who have no prior knowledge of religious integrity find it difficult to differentiate. In the end, a spiritual ego is built. But that doesn't mean that the “authentic” path isn't full of stumbling blocks. Who wants to let go of their ego? For some it can actually brighten up life again, but I think it is much more difficult to find an authentic guru these days than the danger on the path itself. For Buddhist practice, at least in Zen, sitting meditation is not necessary.
“I do not wash my hands or shave my head, I do not read sutras or observe precepts, I do not burn incense, I do not do sitting meditation, I do not perform memorial ceremonies for a master or Buddha.”
Chin'g gak Kuksa Hyesim (1178-1234)
How about that? :)"
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

Thereafter for four years more Beren wandered still upon Dorthonion, a solitary outlaw; but he became the friend of birds and beasts, and they aided him, and did not betray him, and from that time forth he ate no flesh nor slew any living thing that was not in the service of Morgoth.
Welcome one and all again to the 2024 Read-Along and Discussion of The Silmarillion here on tolkienfans. For Week 23 (Jun 2-Jun 8), we will be exploring The Quenta Silmarillion (The History of the Silmarils) chapter 19, "Of Beren and Lúthien."
​
Following the Dagor Bragollach, Barahir and his companions continued to defend their land, Dorthonion. It was to Tarn Aeluin, a lake in the east of that country, that they made their abode. Morgoth could not discover it, and he ordered Sauron to eliminate them. Through Sauron's devices, a member of the group named Gorlim was deceived into revealing the retreat of Barahir, and the company was slain by Sauron's Orcs. All perished, except Beren, son of Barahir, who was away on a perilous errand at the time. Coming to Beren in a dream, a wraith of Gorlim told him all and urged him to return in haste. Alas, he came too late and found his kin slain. He buried his father, and slew the band of orcs responsible, reclaiming from them the Ring of Felagund.
Thus Beren roamed Dorthonion, slaughtering many servants of Morgoth, and so a bounty was set upon his head, and Sauron's armies hounded him to such an extent that he was forced to flee Dorthonion. Journeying through the horrors and terrors of Ered Gorgoroth and Nan Dungortheb he came at length, by paths untrodden, to Doriath, where no mortal had yet been before.
Staggering into the woods of Neldoreth, he chanced upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, dancing in a clearing beside Esgalduin. He became utterly enchanted by her, and his agony departed him, for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all of the Children of Ilúvatar. He called out to her, naming her Tinúviel and as she looked on him, doom fell upon her, and she loved him. For a brief time, long ago in the woods of Doriath, their joy was the greatest that has been, amongst any of the Children of Ilúvatar.
However, Daeron the minstrel loved Lúthien also, and betrayed them to Thingol, who was wrathful. For Lúthien he set above all things, while of mortal Men he took little heed. And so Thingol demanded to know Beren's business in Doriath. Finding resolve, Beren answered that his fate led him to what he sought not — Lúthien. At this, many thought Beren would be slain. Indeed desiring his death, Thingol set upon him the nigh hopeless task of bringing to him a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. Only then would he allow Beren to receive Lúthien as his bride. Thus began in earnest, the Quest of the Silmaril.
Turning towards Nargothrond, Beren sought out the counsel of Finrod Felagund, who, recalling his vow to the kin of Barahir, gathered together a band of his most loyal chieftains. Departing from Angband, Felagund used his craft to disguise the group as a pack of orcs, and so they hoped to pass by Tol-in-Gaurhoth unnoticed. But Sauron was suspicious of them, and duelled long in song with Felagund. But alas the victory belonged to Sauron, and stripping them of their disguises, they were made to languish in a deep pit. One-by-one, Sauron sent werewolves to devour the companions in the hope of obtaining their purpose, but all were faithful to their lord. When the wolf came for Beren, Felagund slew it with his bare hands, but in doing so, was mortally wounded. Bidding Beren a final farewell, he died in the darkness of Tol-in-Gaurhoth, the tower he himself had built long ago. Thus ended the fairest and most beloved of the Noldor, Finrod Felagund.
In the hour of Beren's capture, a heaviness fell upon the heart of Lúthien and she left Doriath in pursuit of him. Encountering Celegorm and Curufin, and Huan, the Hound of the Valar, she was glad, but through treachery, the two brothers took her as prisoner to Nargothrond. But Huan had grown to love her and for the first time spoke, giving her counsel, and helped her to escape. With speed, the two came to Tol-in-Gaurhoth at the hour of Felagund's death, and Sauron smiled. For he knew a great reward would await him for the capture of Lúthien, daughter of the Maia Melian. So he sent wolves, including Draugluin, father of werewolves, to capture her, but Huan slew them all. Then Sauron came himself—taking the form of a mighty wolf—and fought with Huan, but not even he could defeat the Hound of the Valar. Thus he was forced to yield Tol-in-Gaurhoth to Lúthien, and he fled. Lúthien removed the ill shadow from that Isle, and came to Beren. Together, they buried the body of Felagund and left that place. And Huan returned to his master, Celegorm.
By chance, the two brothers Celegorm and Curufin came upon Beren and Lúthien near to the Forest of Brethil, and sought to take Lúthien by force and kill Beren. But in that hour, Huan forsook the service of Celegorm and came to the aid of Beren, who leapt onto the horse of Curufin, knocking him off. After taking horse and knife Angrist from Curufin, Beren bade him return, impoverished, to his kin. Being humiliated, Curufin took the bow of Celegorm and fired at Lúthien. Springing to protect her, Beren was hit. Huan pursued the brothers who fled, and upon returning, he brought a herb to Lúthien who, by her craft, healed Beren. Eventually, they returned to Doriath.
There, Beren left Lúthien in the care of Huan and departed for Angband. Arriving at the borders of Anfauglith, Beren lamented in the belief that this would be his final peril and sung the farewell Song Of Parting. But unsought for, Lúthien appeared upon Huan, and came to him once more. Huan spoke for the second time then, counselling Beren that he could no longer save Lúthien from her fate. And so, taking the guise of Draugluin, and the bat-like messenger-of-Sauron Thuringwethil, together Beren and Lúthien passed through perils untold until they arrived, weary and weather-worn, at the Gates of Angband.
To their dismay, guarding the entrance to Angband was a creature of whom no news had previously reached the ears of the Noldor: the great wolf Carcharoth. He was suspicious of them, for news of the demise of Draugluin had reached Angband, and approached them with menace. But by some power of Lúthien, she commanded the wolf to slumber, and into unconsciousness he fell. Then Beren and Lúthien crossed the threshold of Angband, descended down the subterranean chambers, and together wrought the greatest deed that has ever been dared, by Elves or by Men, in the history of Arda. For they arrived in the throne-room of Morgoth — a court filled with horrors untold, where Balrogs patrolled. Lúthien's disguise was robbed of her by the will of Morgoth, and, standing before his gaze, she began to sing for him a song of such outstanding power and beauty, that he was put into dreams of the Void, and he slammed into the ground, unconscious. All his court slumbered. Then removing his wolf-hame, Beren cut, with Angrist, a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. It occurred to him then to bring out of Angband not one, but all three Silmarils. But such was not his fate, for Angrist snapped, and a fragment smote the cheek of Morgoth. He groaned. All the legions of Angband stirred in their sleep.
Then fear and terror unknown fell upon Beren and Lúthien, and realising their imminent peril, they fled. But alas, at the surface, they found Carcharoth conscious and wrathful. Beren held the Silmaril high; Carcharoth hesitated, and for a moment was afraid. But his spirit flew into a rage, and he bit off the right hand of Beren, consuming the Silmaril. It seared his innards, and he fled south, howling in a fit of madness.
The fangs of Carcharoth were laced with venom, and death approached Beren. So the Quest of the Silmaril would have ended in despair, but unlooked for, Thorondor came with his Eagles to the aid of Beren and Lúthien, even while droves issued forth from the Gates of Angband, and bore the two away from the reach of Morgoth. South they flew, passing above the hidden city of Gondolin, shining like a jewel in the sun. Yet Lúthien wept, for she feared the death of Beren. The Eagles left them at the borders of Doriath, in the same glade where Beren had left Lúthien and departed on the Quest. Huan came to Lúthien and again, and the two of them tended to him. There he lay, in dreams of anguish, until, as Lúthien's last hopes were fading, he awoke. And it was spring.
Thereafter, he was given the name Erchamion, "the One-handed". The two then tarried for a time in those woods, for it was pleasant to them, but Beren would not forget his Oath to Thingol. So after a time they returned to Doriath, which had fallen into grief at the loss of Lúthien. News of their coming had spread far, and they arrived in Menegroth with a large following.
Beren and Lúthien told the tale of their Quest, to the astonishment of all. It seemed to Thingol then that the Man before him was among the great in Arda, and Lúthien's love was a thing strange to him. It came to his mind then that no power of Elves or Men, or Maiar or Valar, or any other power in Arda, might interfere with their fate. And his mood towards Beren was softened. Thus, at last he relented, and Beren took the hand of Lúthien before the throne of her father.
For a time, there may have been some semblance of peace and joy in Doriath, but out of the north came the beast Carcharoth. A hunting party was assembled, consisting of Huan, the Hound of the Valar, Mablung of the Heavy Hand, Beleg Strongbow, Beren Erchamion, and Thingol, King of Doriath. As they rode forth for the Hunting of the Wolf, a shadow fell upon Lúthien, and to her it seemed as though the world had been drained of all colour, and beauty, and life. The party came upon Carcharoth near the northern waterfalls of Esgalduin. The wolf leapt for Thingol, but Beren came between them, suffering a deadly wound. Huan slew Carcharoth, but was himself fatally injured. Laying beside Beren, he spoke for the final time, bidding Beren farewell. So they parted. Mablung ripped open the wolf and placed the Silmaril in Beren's living hand, who asked Thingol to receive it. "Now the Quest is achieved, and my doom full wrought", he said. And he spoke no more. They bore Beren back to Menegroth, and Lúthien met them. She bade him await her beyond the Western Sea. Opening his eyes, he looked upon her one last time before he died. So ended the Quest of the Silmaril. But the tale of Beren and Lúthien did not end there.
For the spirit of Beren lingered in the Halls of Mandos, awaiting Lúthien upon the dim shores of the Outer Sea, where they could say their final farewell. For it is from there that the spirits of Men depart the world, never to return; such is the Gift of Ilúvatar. The spirit of Lúthien fled her body, and found its way to the Halls of Mandos. Kneeling before the Vala, she sang to him a song so beautifully sorrowful that Mandos was moved to pity. But it was not within his power to alter the fates of the Children of Ilúvatar, and so he called on Manwë, who sought guidance from Ilúvatar.
Two choices were put before Lúthien. On account of her extraordinary labours and grief in life, she was permitted to remain in Valinor, forgetting all pains she had known. But there Beren, being mortal, could not follow. The second choice was that she might return with Beren to dwell in Middle-earth, as a mortal, with no guarantee of joy in life. There, both would be subject to a second death. This second option she chose, forsaking the Undying Lands, for a mortal life with Beren. So it came to pass that long ago, Lúthien Tinúviel and Beren Erchamion at last left the confines of the world, together.[1]
Of Beren and Lúthien at The Lord of the Rings Wiki: This chapter tells The Lay of Leithian, i.e. Beren's quest for a Silmaril with Lúthien, and tells of the deaths of Finrod Felagund, Draugluin, Carcharoth, Huan (Beren's wolf-hound), and of Beren himself.
Chapter discussion at Entmoot TolkienTrail.
Chapter discussion at The Barrow-Downs.
​
Questions for the week:

1. There seems almost no motivation for the love between Beren and Lúthien. They just look at each other and it happens. Why? Does Beren love Lúthien mainly because of her celestial beauty? Why does she love him?
2. Why didn't the Silmaril burn Beren's hand?
3. Why did Beren’s spirit go to the Halls of Mandos after he died? Do all men’s spirits go there, only to typically be sent off to who knows where, or was he an exception for some reason?
4. How did Lúthien end up in the Hall of Mandos?
5. How did Huan beat Sauron?

​
For drafts and history of this chapter see The Lost Road and Other Writings, "The Later Annals of Beleriand", pp. 134-142 §262-306; "Quenta Silmarillion)", Chapter 12-15, "Of Beren and Tinúviel", pp. 292-306; The War of the Jewels, "The Grey Annals", p. 17 §44, pp. 58-99 §167-210; "The Later Quenta Silmarillion", The Last Chapters, pp. 243-247.
BONUS BACKGROUND 1: The Book of Lost Tales: Part Two (Ch. 1: The Tale of Tinúviel) , pp. 3-68.
BONUS BACKGROUND 2: The Lays of Beleriand (Ch. 3: The Lay of Leithian) , pp. 150-329.
BONUS BACKGROUND 3: The Lays of Beleriand (Ch. 4: The Lay of Leithian Recommenced), pp. 330-363.
​
For further history and analysis of this chapter, see Arda Reconstructed (by Douglas Charles Kane), pp. 173-181.
Be sure to have your copy of The Atlas of Middle-earth by Karen Wynn Fonstad on hand as you go through this chapter.
Some Tolkien-related hangouts on YouTube (relevant to this week):

• Nerd of the Rings This episode: Maps of Middle-earth: The First Age The Silmarillion Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The Origins of Melkor Tolkien Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The History of Morgoth [COMPILATION] Tolkien Explained
• Nerd of the Rings This episode: The Complete Travels of Beren & Lúthien Tolkien Explained
• Tolkien Untangled This episode: Beren and Lúthien 101 - Why this story matters! (including Playlist: Of Beren and - Lúthien)
• Ælfwine's Road This episode: Silmarillion Summary: Ch. 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien [22/31]
• GirlNextGondor This episode: Tolkien's Greatest Love Story: Beren and Lúthien Tolkien Love Stories - Part 3
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: Of Beren and Lúthien » Silmarillion 2022 Ch 19 » Tolkien Road Episode 298 » Sauron, Morgoth, Aragorn
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: 0050 - The Silmarillion - Chapter 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien - Part 1 of 2
• The Tolkien Road Podcast This episode: 0051 - The Silmarillion - Chapter 19 - Of Beren and Lúthien - Part 2 of 2
• The One Ring This episode: Tolkien’s Greatest Joy – Of Beren and Luthien Intro – The Silmarillion – 23
• The One Ring This episode: Tolkien’s Real Alpha Male -Of Beren and Luthien Part 1 – The Silmarillion – 24
• The One Ring This episode: Middle-earth’s Real Power Couple – Of Beren and Luthien Part 2 – The Silmarillion – 25
• The One Ring This episode: Morgoth’s Kaiju-Wolf – Of Beren and Luthien Part 3 – The Silmarillion – 26

​
​
The Silmarillion Reader's Guide at Tea With Tolkien.
The Silmarillion Reader's Guide by askmiddlearth on Tumblr.
Quettaparma Quenyallo (QQ) - The most extensive list of Quenya words available on the internet, by Helge Fauskanger, 1999-2013.
Tolkien Collector's Guide - Guide to Tolkien's Letters
A (Hopefully) Light Guide to the Silmarillion — Or What I Wish I’d Known Before Reading It by u/Ok_Bullfrog_8491/
The Definitive Family Tree of the Tolkien Legendarium by u/PotterGandalf117
Wikipedia - The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien
Announcement and Index: (Take 2) 2024 The Silmarillion and The Fall of Gondolin Read-Along

After a scary awful winter and spring with my agoraphobia getting worse and worse and not even feeling safe in my home, I decided to go on a mission and read every book I could find about panic disorder.
I discovered two must-read books. DARE by Barry McDonagh and Hope and help for your nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes. Both have the same approach, they just word things a little differently. I've read each book twice and my panic disorder is improving tremendously. I still have moments of panic, but I get through them much quicker.
It's all about desensitizing the adrenaline fear and adrenaline that we've all trained ourselves to release. I haven't tried the dare app yet, but I can see it has a lot of great reviews on here.
These two books are changing my life, I wanted to share

Another thread reminded me that I saw this 45-min documentary was broadcast on May 18th 2024 on UK Channel 5 but I didn't catch it at the time. I've gone through it now on Sky catch up - nothing really new here imo, mainly fluff, but I am posting so people can see what is being broadcast here about George / the RF. Quotes are exact quotes, the rest is my summary but pretty close to what was said.
Narrator (N): George's story begins on 29/4/2011 - W & K wedding. Simon Vigar (Royal Correspondent 5 News - SV): W & K wedding was a happy moment for the country in the midst of the financial crisis of the late 00s. Afua Hagan (Royal commentator - AH): PW was hugely popular as was Kate.
Section about Queen Elizabeth doing the Olympic ceremony - N: "the Royal Family found themselves enjoying a surge in popularity", echoed by the other talking heads
N: In Dec 2012 KM announced pregnancy. AF: "it was hugely exciting because we knew this was going to be another heir"
N: they chose St Marys Hospital for the birth, same place Diana went. Weeks of anticipation, George born on 22/7/2013, Archive footage of W & K outside the hospital with newborn George etc.
SV: "the arrival of George meant that the line of succession was secure"
SV: "this 'Lion King' moment with the king in waiting"
N: "although their choice of name drew from centuries of tradition it soon became clear that their approach to parenting was more modern" - covers William with the car seat, driving Kate back from hospital himself, etc - more hands on, they are being more 'normal'.
N: W & K had always had a close relationship with Kate's parents. In first few months of George's life they retreated to the Middletons' family home in Bucklebury [Berkshire]. George's baptism - following tradition but more modern approach to the rest of it - choice of godparents (only Zara as a royal, all the others were non royals), "cosy, child-first atmosphere".
N: Australia/NZ tour (10 days) when George was 8 months, contrasted with Queen Elizabeth's tour of NZ where Charles was left at home age 5. Footage of them on the plane steps etc. William and George travelled together which was a break with protocol (usually avoided due to risk if anything goes wrong), had to persuade Queen Elizabeth.
N: they are following tradition in having a nanny. They recruited the nanny Maria Borrallo in 2014 - from a school that's produced many Royal nannies - Norland College (Bath) - the world's foremost Nanny college. The nannies can earn six figures and are trained on all sorts: evasive driving, self-defence, lifesaving, etc.
Royal historian: "We know that she's [Maria] been with Prince George since he was around 8 months old. So she's built a real bond with him. The fact that she's still with them, she's doing something very very right for that family."
Education - break with tradition, heirs were never sent to school historically. King Charles broke with that tradition by going to Gordonstoun, was miserable & bullied though. AF: William has learned from that and wants to make sure that doesn't happen to George. George's first school (Thomas's) focuses on building character, creativity, kindness, etc as well as academics. Age 9 - went to Lambrook School - ethos of happiness, kindness, concern about the world.
Privacy - age just 2 William was put in front of the press, body language expert says he was visibly uncomfortable, regular press intrusion throughout his life. Agreements between RF & media weren't in place then - talks about the agreement they have now with the press, they issue their own family pictures at Christmas etc, thus devaluing 'pap' pictures. Describes Kate taking a lot of pictures, they're more "intimate", candid, family pictures rather than pro.
Age 2 - meeting with Obama (visit to KP) - [nothing notable here, just fluff]
George included on trips to Commonwealth countries, early exposure.
2015 - Charlotte born, then, Louis 3 years later. Fluff about George as a big brother, close knit family.
Piece about William and George watching football (Aston Villa). Body language expert describes the 'mirroring' of body language between W & G at these type of events - facial expressions, movements, wear the same suits - twins/mini-me. Narrator says Charles, William also learned by imitation in the same way.
Talks about W & K involvement with charities, Charles & the environment etc. - George will follow.
N: "KC has big plans to shake up the monarchy as a whole, with the young prince front and centre"
Prof. Robert Hazell (Professor of Constitution UCL - RH): "Charles before he became King expressed the wish for the monarchy to become more streamlined, and that is happening. And happening perhaps rather faster than he expected, because of the disappearance of Harry & Meghan, and also of Prince Andrew. I think it's possible that Prince George will be pressed into service rather sooner than he or his parents might have wished".
Tangent about the streamlined monarchy, photos etc. Queen's Xmas broadcast - family video footage from inside the Palace.
2022 - Queen Platinum Jubilee - George started to be given more exposure, talking heads say he seems comfortable with it.
George will be 11 in 2024, need to plan next stage of his education - where next? Eton (William's school), Marlborough (Kate's, also Zara's)? George is part of the decision making process. Marlborough is co-ed (mixed sex), this would be another break with tradition if he goes there - would allow Charlotte to be at the same school. SV thinks Eton must be in "prime position" due to proximity to Windsor etc, but "we shall see", will be "a tussle between mum and dad".
N: In future where will George go to university? W & K both went to St Andrews so that is a possibility - or could he go to Cambridge? No decisions yet.
Queen Elizabeth death - George now 2nd in line. SV: "it's all about succession, this is a family firm that's been doing the same thing for around 1000 years".
Background about first 'solo'/major royal engagement being a rite of passage for future monarchs. William at 23. George at 9 at the Coronation - footage of Charles & Camilla etc - George was one of 4 "pages of honour" for this ceremony, Charles wanted him involved, new era of family first. Talking heads say he took it in his stride, carried it out well, dutiful, confident, 'got on with it'
About contingency planning - RH: "If anything were to happen to Charles as King, and to William as the heir apparent, formally George could not become King until he reaches the age of 18. If George were not old enough himself to become King, that would trigger a Regency." N: "That scenario is thankfully highly unlikely".
Military involvement - many royals still choose to serve in the military e.g. Charles (navy) William (helicopter pilot) - N: "it's still early days and there are rumours that when the day comes George may choose to break the royal mould" - he might not serve in the military, no decisions yet though.
N: "The reign of King George is likely many decades away. But it's clear the monarchy he will inherit is undergoing a transformation." - Talking heads: monarchy is changing, slimmed down, we are no longer an empire, monarchy will become more like the ones in mainland Europe.

I have updated my previous post but I figured I'd throw in a day 1 overview with just some general thoughts as well as battle recaps.
Just generally, tournaments are tiring! I forgot to sit down any if the games and when I'd made it home I didn't realise how much standing up for that long and focusing that much can take it out of you, though in fairness the whole up until 2am the previous day basing stuff probably didn't help.
Everyone was lovely, I didn't have a game where my opponent was funny about anything or tried to pressure me into stuff, or any of the tournament horror stories I've heard, and the event staff themselves and TOs were great. As a team we very much went in with expectation to lose every round in total, and each individual player to get a few wins here and there given the calibre of player and competitiveness at this event, but so far we are sitting pretty middle of the pack at 2 wins to 1 loss, which is always nice.
I'm currently sat waiting for my train to head over for day 2 and will give a write up of that afterwards, but all in all it's been good fun, I've enjoyed playing the army, and honestly? We aren't top tier by any stretch, we get bodied by a fair few S tier lists, but personally I've found us to be good fun and put up a fight if you aren't expected to try for a 5-0 or anything crazy, you can go be a statistic on a GW sheet to let them know we need a buff, and still have fun.
Game 1 - Admech Vs Guard - 86 / 79 (11 / 9)
Game one was fun! Guard player had two demolisher cannons which spiked on shots and along with a blob of 10 rough riders knocked out my knight be the end of the turn 1 fight phase. The terrain was very much in my favour though, each batch of tables had a few set up with GW terrain and a few with WTC, with a roll off between teams to pick The movement he had to do to get my knight effectively locked his tanks between ruins and stopped them coming too far up the board the rest of the game. In the end I was just better at scoring, I had more mobile units, and I just sneaked the win. Very happy about that one given the way it started.
Game 2 - Admech Vs Grey Knights - 56 / 87 (4 / 16)
Also a fun game but my word was it a struggle, this was not a good matchup for me and the player on the other end of the table was good. Turns out 8d6 flamer shots on the table really burn through skitarii, so do tiny units that jump all over the shop with 15 nasty melee attacks and 20 stormbolter shots. The dreadnights made short work of my lancer and by the last turn I had so little on the board. Scraped a few points for my team by scoring well on the secondaries and coming primary best I good. All in all a struggle, but forced me to try and sneak points where I could grab them which was a good exercise in learning the army.
Game 3 - Admech Vs Drukhari - 100 / 60 (17 / 3)
So turns out admech can quite handily deal with dark Eldar, or at least my admech can quite handily deal with this dark Eldar. There's alot of transports and firing decks but I found if I can get them to pop out that transport sure they'll get a unit of skitarii, but I'll mop up anything that comes out afterwards, and I'm definitely winning that trade. The big knight did a funny and ran across the board as GW terrain has alot of less than 4 inch high terrain, stood on the middle, and didn't die until then 4. Didn't kill alot, but was for sure a deterrent. The big surprise was not getting destroyed on the special kill something for 4 pts or kill more for 8 pts mission rule. Going second I got to decide to target just enough stuff to even out or beat my opponent and they never scored the full 8, and I even killed more on a few occasions. Was fun to get the chance to play against the magnificent model that is the tantalus. All in all very happy with the result of this game.

I've been working on this story for... 3 months? 4? who knows, with my ability to keep track of time I could have started this yesterday, anyway, this is a story that has sci-fi elements, and some fantasy, although the fantasy stuff is mainly dragons so lets say adventure for now, (cause I don't know shit about genres, I just wrote the story) , Keep in mind, this has been written in free time, of which I don't have a lot, so if you don't like the story it is probably my fault, here is a look at:

Dragons wing

I slowly drift from my sleep and think to myself, ow, why is everything warm? I check the thermostat and see that it is at a temperature as cool as Canada and when I turn back to go back to bed so that I can sleep in, I see that my stuff has been knocked over? Oh sorry, where are my manners? I'm James O’Maley, I put everything back into place, and lay down on my bed but nothing is comfortable! I just decide, you know what, whatever, I’m just gonna get ready for work, and with that i get dressed, everything feels harder to put on, but it really hits me when I go to brush my teeth, when I looked into the mirror, I saw that their were, wings on my back, and a tail, growing out my butt like a lizard, I obviously spend several minutes having an existential crisis about this shocking revelation, and I decide to look at what these wings can do, I open a window, crawl out, with some difficulty and some slamming the window on my tail. I go to the edge of the fire escape railing, hop on, and jump, and I flew, higher and higher, until i nearly flew into a mountain but that's when I suddenly breathed fire, from my mouth, and bore a hole straight through the cliffside, I could spend all day flying, breathing fire, and fiddling with my tail, but I began to feel as tired as if I’d just gotten back from lifting weights with tigers, I landed on a cliffside and fell asleep. When I woke up I wasn’t on the cliffside anymore, there were monitors and scientists all around me. I tried to show some sign that I was awake, but I was chained up! I spent several moments struggling to get free, I must be free, I am not something they can chain down! I struggle, I roar, I attempt to move my head enough to burn the surrounding area, but I can’t, until someone finally talks to me,
“Hello there, James, please forgive us for our caution, but with your kind we can never be too careful.” I can see the scientist, I read his name tag, Dr. Crane William, I roar out
“My kind!? Get me out of these chains!” I breathe fire, claw, kick and swing my tail, trying to free myself, until I see two other people watching, one with weird whiskers, a long tail and a smug look on his face, and the other with a similar appearance to me but her wings are her arms. The next few days go by, until the two finally decide to talk to me, and in those days, My face becomes a snout like a komodo dragon’s, the one with the whiskers opens his mouth first and I already hate him
“Would you look at that, he’s even uglier up close!” I glare at him with absolute hatred, that seems to anger him more,
“What are you mute or something? Speak before I tear you apart!” he takes one step closer and that's all I need, I Bite his shoulder and use his head to break the chains on my right arm, I continue to break the rest of them with ease, and tell whiskers
“You want to fight? Let’s fight!” I leap on top of him, clawing at his face, he tries to slash me with a blade on his tail but I grab it and stab the wall with it, until I feel a burning sensation in my veins, The girl had bitten me! She looks at me with sadness,
“Sorry about this,” I look at her and drift into unconsciousness, when I wake up next I’m in some kind of, medical wing, ha, wing, as I look around I feel that my mouth is bound shut, but other than that, I can move my body, I get up off the gurney and just when I think it looks nice, whiskers shows his face,
“Well thanks a lot freak, now I’m on probation with Dr. Crane.” I motion to my mouth and he seems to have enough brain cells to understand what I mean
“Ha! You got the boot, Lily had that on her when she wouldn’t stop biting staff, I’m Ryan Mist.” I just walk away and try getting this muzzle off, That's when Crane walks in,
“Well, I must say it has been a while since we’ve had to use the boot, Ryan, your behavior was unacceptable!” I can tell that Crane is annoyed, and right as he finishes his sentence, click, the boot falls off my face and clatters to the ground. I don’t bother trying to fight Ryan again, I’m just happy to be able to talk!
“Well that’s a lot better, now, talk, I want answers.” I growl, Crane and Ryan seem surprised that I got the boot off but they talk, turns out, I’m what’s called a dragonkin a Human who has dragon genes in their genome, Lily and Ryan are also dragonkin, although they can’t breath fire, Lily has fangs and a venomous bite, turns out she’s the girl that bit me, and Ryan just looks weird, apparently we are the only dragonkin who evaded the organization that Crane works for, Called ‘Kadmus,’ into adulthood, Lily being found at 22, ryan at 20, and me at 24, on top of that, we are the only dragonkin who have survived that long, it’s at that moment that I notice Lily looking at us from behind some glass, I decide that I’ve heard enough and open the door, and I leave the room.
As I leave the room I can tell that Lily was not expecting me from the look on her face, I start a conversation with her, trying desperately to be friendly and not notice all the scientists glancing at me nervously.
“Hey, Lily, Right?” I say in the friendliest tone I can, “I’m James.” Lily looks at me with a calculating look before answering
“Hello, yeah my name is Lily, Lily Megan.” she clearly is wary of me, but I can tell a few things about her, making herself look small, clearly smarter than she lets on, seems shy,
“How did you get it off?” Lily breaks into my train of thought with the question,
“What?” I ask her, confused,
“The Boot, how did you get it off?” She gestures to the room where Crane and Ryan were having an argument, but more specifically to The Boot, laying on the ground
“Oh that? I once took a lockpicking class when I was younger.” I explain
“Huh, you mind teaching me that sometime?” She catches me off guard with that one, I can tell that she is being genuine so I agree, And we begin working out what time works best.

The next few weeks go by in a flash, but I’ll summarize it for you, I ended up getting my own room like Ryan and Lily, I start teaching Lily how to pick locks, and we end up having a few game nights where we played games like charades, poker, even monopoly, lets just say that we will never play monopoly again. However, the most important thing of all, we ended up finding another dragonkin! We aren’t sure what dragon ancestor he has, but we think he’s another eastern long tail, like Ryan, the new guy’s name is Dillian, He’s great, absolute goofball, he’s from Australia, and according to him, his family has never been anywhere but the land down under, weird, but the guy’s like a little brother to me, so it’s cool, and that catches you up. “Hey Dillian!” I lean my head into his room, “Wanna come hang out with the rest of us? It’s movie night!” Dillian just looks at me, unreadable, 

“Okay, your loss.” I try to hide how unnerving that look felt, but something doesn’t feel right. I go back to the lounge, where Ryan, Lily, and Crane are all waiting for me,
“Sorry guys, Dillian, isn’t up for it.” Lily looks at me disappointed,
“Aw man, and we're even watching Dune!” I just look at her with a sad look, but Ryan manages to lift the mood a little bit,
“Last time we let Crane pick the movie!” Crane just glares at Ryan, I can tell he’s about to lecture him so I just start the movie, around one hour in, boom, everything is blurry, and there is dust swirling, everything hurts. I see Lily and Ryan helping evacuate the scientists, I don’t see Crane anywhere! But that's when I see it, Cranes lab coat, soaked red and underneath a piece of rubble, I try to run towards it, but I can't stay on my legs, I call out,
“CRANE!” My friends hear me, they rush towards me and they see the lab coat, Lily tears up, Ryan is too stunned to speak, then we hear it, we hear him. Dillian, he’s laughing, laughing at the lab coat, laughing at us, My head snaps toward him, I feel the rage burning, my wings flare out, fire rises in my throat, I grab Dillian by the collar, and I roar,
“Do you think this is funny?!” Dillian just keeps laughing, “Crane is deadI!” Dillian looks at me, and he finally stops laughing, he pushes me off and spikes erupt from his skin, his tail wraps around my throat, and he growls,
“Don’t touch me you cretin, my ancestors were nearly wiped out by yours, I’m just returning the favor.” I look at him confused, Ryan seems to have been just as confused as me because he asked,
“What do you mean? The Eastern long tails have never had an issue with the Flying flame drakes.” Dillian just flicked his wrist and one of the spines shot out and nearly sliced Ryan’s head off!
“Do not compare the Wyrms to those foolish sky beasts! They have ruled the land for centuries!” Dillian roars, at this point I finally manage to choke out,
“Wyrm? Like the dragon inside the mountain Wyrm?” I struggle against his tail, I finally get a claw hooked under it and pull, it takes all of my strength to get my head loose and retreat, and then I see Dillian fully for the first time, pale skin covered in red spines and a long tail that could probably crush a normal humans windpipe, if I wasn’t a dragonkin I’d be dead.
“So, you do have a brain. Indeed, my ancestors were the Wyrms, Masters of the land, and the only dragons to be nearly forgotten by time, if it weren’t for the colony under Australia, I would not be a dragonkin.” Dillian snorts, and after saying his piece he leaped up, dived down, and bore through the earth, I try to go after him, but Lily holds me back,
“James you're hurt, and you would not stand a chance against him in your current state!” I hate to admit it, but it’s true, I would not stand a chance against Dillian, oh man, my leg hurts, I look at my left leg and I see that it has a shard of metal sticking out of it, and then everything feels heavy, I hear Lily yell out my name, but she sounds so far away, I don’t try and fight it, I just let the darkness envelope me, at least in the dark I can’t hurt, when I wake up I’m in the medical wing ha, it’s still funny, I have a bandage around my leg and then it all rushes back to me, Crane’s lab coat, Dillian laughing, the rage, everything, replaying over and over in my mind, I immediately try and stand up and I find a lot of difficulty in that, but I manage to stumble off the bed, I avoid putting weight on my leg, and I use my wings when necessary,
‘Well it’s about time you woke up, and here I was thinking that we had wasted time and resources.” I spin around to see a lady in a suit and glasses looking at me with a look of disdain,
“Hello, I am Dr. Leanne Vern, but you can call me Leanne. I am your new head researcher, I hope you are ready for your next few tests, Dr. Crane wasted a lot of time ‘bonding’ with you.” It’s right as she finishes that sentence when I feel the urge to make it her last, I feel rage burning under my skin and I glare at her with every last ounce of anger possible,
“What.” Either she didn’t get the memo or she is just a jerk, because she did not care, but either way I continued,
“Do you think that now is a good time to either ridicule Crane, or tell me that you need to run tests on me? I am not your lab rat” I grab her collar “I am not something you just get to boss around, If you say something like that again I will send you straight to the underworld where you belong.” I shove her back and go look for Lily and Ryan, I find them in the cafeteria, I get some food and sit down across from them,
“Mind if I sit here?” It clearly lightened the mood, but not even Ryan found the humor to reply, but we started to talk turns out I had been knocked out for two weeks, when I asked about Dillian Ryan tensed up, he explained to me that Dillian goes by ‘Death Wyrm’ now, he’s spent the last two weeks tormenting the city, and eventually I brought up Leanne,
“That Dr. Leanne is a jerk though, when I got out of the medical wing she just introduced herself, told me that she would run some tests and insulted Crane.” Lily seemed to agree because she replied,
“Yeah the first day she got here she told me I was ugly, and had me escorted into the testing chamber and forced me to fly for as long as I could or else I would get shocked.” Upon hearing this I feel rage flare up inside me, I flare out my wings and fly straight towards Leanne's office,
“You threatened Lily with being shocked?! What is wrong with you?” Leanne just looked at me stone faced and told me,
“You dragonkin are nothing but freaks that look interesting, you should not be treated like humans, you are tools.” I just stand there, shocked until the dam just breaks, I roared, I grabbed her by the collar and I slash her face with a claw,
“Tools? TOOLS?! The only tool in here is you! First you insult Crane, someone who died only two weeks ago! Then I learned you threatened one of my friends with a shock if they stopped playing your sick little game!” I feel the fire rise in my throat, I open my mouth, but then I see the look in her eyes, fear, absolute, paralyzing fear, I hesitate, and think to myself, oh my god, what am I doing? I release Leanne and walk out of the room, as I’m leaving I hear Leanne bellow from behind me,
“Where do you think you’re going?” I glare back, I don’t need to answer her, but because I know she will hurt my friends if I don’t I tell her what I’m doing, I explain.
“I’m going after Dillian, don’t try to stop me.” I can tell that Leanne is angry, I can feel her eyes shooting daggers at me, she clearly disagrees with me,
“Oh no you don’t, listen to me you bloated gecko, we did not spend millions tracking you down for you to play superhero!” I just walk away from her and go to the cafeteria to tell Lily and Ryan, they of course freak out at me, saying that I should not go after Dillian, that he’d kill me, and that I should stay here, but I look at them with all of the emotion in the world, I tell them
“Look, I know that Dillian would probably kill me, but I at least might tire him out enough for the police or military to stop him, but it’s more than that, I can’t let him hurt innocent people.” Lily and Ryan look at me, Lily hugs me, and tells me,
“Don’t you dare die or I will kill you.” I look at her, And I say to Ryan,
“I hope she’s joking.” Ryan looks at me and punches my arm,
“You are a good friend man, I hope you live through this.” I look at Ryan and Lily, knowing that this might be the last time I see them, I hug them both, and I flare out my wings and I fly off.

As I sped off towards Dillian, no, Death Wyrm, he stopped being Dillian when he killed Dr. Crane, one thought was going through my mind, am I going to survive this? It doesn’t really matter, as long as Death Wyrm gets what he deserves, when I arrive in the city I look around from above first, I decide to stop by my old apartment, I remember when My dad helped me find this place before he died, it has looked weird since I had my stuff moved into my room at the Kadmus site, I decide to sit down on the floor, when all of a sudden I hear a click and a secret safe opens from the wall. Inside I find a video message to me from my dad, along with an envelope, with the words for when I’m gone written on it, I look through the envelope and I find an old Kadmus keycard for my dad, so that's what his work was, I knew he was secretive but damn, A few other papers that talk about dragons, turns out, Kadmus had been looking into the dragons for years, although these papers are odd, as if my dad had prior knowledge of the dragons. The ball drops when I play the video message it says, 

>Hello, James, if you are watching this then I’m probably dead. In the envelope that you have found alongside this message, there is also my old keycard, it will give you full access to any Kadmus site. Along with my personal notes on the Flying flame drakes, the Eastern long tails, the Wyverns, and some vague knowledge of a supposed fourth dragon species, including some vague diet, and possible weaknesses, but if you’ve already read them, then that means you have seen that the Flying flame drake notes are more definitive, that’s because I am also a dragonkin, I only inherited physical strength from our ancestors, but I have a feeling you will have more characteristics, but I am saying this because you need to know the history behind our ancestors, and the rest.<
I look at the message and wait for it to continue, until a small piece of paper slips out of the metal box that is the message, when I open it I find out that in the beginning of the dragons, there were supposedly four species, the Flying flame drakes, the Eastern long tails, the Wyverns, and the Wyrms, until the Wyrms struck out, they had felt as though due to there inability to fly, that the other dragons thought less of them, the dragons were forced to lock away the Wyrms deep beneath what would one day be called Australia, and then man arose, and along with them the first dragonkin, Tiamat, a Flying flame dragonkin, as my dad called him, but the humans lived in fear of the dragons, eventually driving them to the bleeding cut edge of extinction using their advancing technology, eventually humans all but forgot about dragons, reducing them to myth or fairy tales. That was more or less all that was written, I committed all of this knowledge to memory, and then I heard a loud boom and some maniacal Dr. Doom esc laughing, I peer out of the window to see Death Wyrm, tormenting people, I leap out of the window and into the air, getting a good angle before dive bombing Death Wyrm, breathing fire on him and slashing him with my claws,
“Hey Dillian, did you miss me?” I laugh, I tried to pull a Ryan and joke myself into feeling confident, and it kinda helped, Death Wyrm roars out in rage,
“Why didn’t you stay out of my way?” He whips his tail up, shooting spines out at me, although thanks to my practice I manage to dodge them, I decide to not make a joke and just stay quiet for now, I remember something a security guard once told me, if the enemy is in range so are you, don’t just talk, actually attack, I know that I am in range for a fireblast but Dillian doesn’t know that, I shout out,
“Those spines must really hurt, but not as much as my claws!” I suddenly make a sharp turn and get in close with my talons, I first duck beneath Death Wyrms hook, and slash at his stomach, I then dodge a spine shot, and quickly follow up and through with a tail whip, knocking him off balance, then quickly blast fire right at his feet, but I didn’t see that Death Wyrms tail had grabbed my leg before it had already thrown me two blocks away, I was getting up when I felt a Burning pain in my arm, when I looked to see, it was one of Death Wyrms spines, It had only penetrated the outermost muscle tissue, I would heal in a few weeks but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hades, I rip the spine out and breath fire on the wound in order to cauterize it, when I suddenly feel Death Wyrms tail around my throat, choking me, and I am all of a sudden pinned to a wall, with my mouth bound shut, great it’s the boot all over again, I see Death Wyrm, he’s grabbing the spine I ripped out, he walks towards me, and he gives me a small speech,
“You know James, if you weren’t so noble I’d actually have let you join me, I never wanted to kill you, but you leave me no choice.” He lifts the spike up, when all of a sudden he is blasted back seemingly by a freakishly strong gust of wind, wait, that's a thermal updraft, I turn to see the best sight I could have seen, Ryan and Lily! Ryan opens his mouth first and I couldn’t be more thankful for his humor,
“Nobody treats James like that but me!” He then flies into battle riding on a thermal, while Lily freed me, she slices through the binding on my mouth and I immediately ask,
“What are you guys doing here?” Lily opens her mouth to answer but Ryan cuts in with being thrown into a wall
“Me and Lily are saving you, idiot, speaking of which a little help here?” Me and Lilly help Ryan up and we all get ready for a fight, but before we can charge in, Lily hands me a headmic,
“Here put this on,” I do as she says and suddenly Leanne's voice buzzes in through the speaker,
“Well it’s about time,” I am just happy to have some help with knowing my surroundings,
“Whatever happened to ‘we didn’t spend millions tracking you for you to play superhero?’” If Leanne heard me she didn’t answer, I just started to run towards Death Wyrm, before I took off alongside Lily and Ryan, I felt a familiar rage build up in my veins, I allow the rage to drive me forward, I feel the heat, the fire, rushing to every vein in my body, building along with all of the rage in my life, I gather my thoughts, a raging body is good for combat but a raging mind is bad for victory, when this feeling washes over me, I finally feel calm, I feel at peace, I never want this feeling to end, I open my snout, and unleash a twisting, flowing, blooming tunnel of flames,wounding Death Wyrm and distracting him long enough for Ryan to swing in with a bladed tail to his back, followed by Lily, biting into Death wyrms tail, as Death Wyrm roars I dive in and I do something unexpected, I talk to him,
“Dillian, I thought of you as a little brother, but you killed someone I cared about, I am sorry but, we need to take you in.” Death Wyrm roars, he writhes, up until Lily’s venom takes hold and he falls to the ground, defeated, a news reporter had been, well reporting, nearby and walked up to me, and asked me for an interview,
“Under normal circumstances I would agree, but not right now.” I wave as I signal to Ryan, it takes an embarrassingly long time for him to get the hint that I want him to create a thermal under Death Wyrm in order to transport him, but he follows my lead, and before we know it, we are flying toward the Kadmus site, but as we fly, I yell behind me,
“Hey, go ahead, I’ll… I’ll catch up.” Lily looks at me while Ryan just zooms ahead, no questions asked,
“Okay what are you doing?” I just look at her, feeling conflicted about telling her about my dad, for all I know this could get me in trouble, or worse, I make a split second decision,
“I… I think I saw something.” surprisingly it works, I swoop back towards the city and back to my old apartment and I grab the message from my dad, his keycard and the papers, I then fly off with them clenched between my arms and my body, I then fly into the Kadmus site, and discreetly go to my room, in order to hide them, I then get out of the site, and fly back into it acting like nothing happened, and to my surprise, there was a celebration waiting for me, there was cake, and wine, and even a nice Irish whiskey, eventually I asked about Death Wyrm, and turns out he was placed in a secure facility, deep under the site, and that anyone with high enough clearance could go down there, I decide that that is probably for the best.
After the celebration, I go into my room, and pull out the message, I look over it, Dad was a big fan of puzzles, so maybe this message is a puzzle? After several minutes fiddling with it, the message began to whir, and it then showed a place for a fingerprint, gotcha, I placed my thumb on the finger print and it pricked me, like I was getting my blood drawn. After that a key fell out of the message box, and a keyhole on the side, I of course used the key, which then played a different message,

Hello James, and I know it's you who will be watching this, at the time of making this message I am about to help you “find” an apartment, this is one that will only play for other people if you give them access and get a blood sample, the key you used is a one of a kind, and allows you full access to pre-recorded messages, and answers for certain questions, I hope that there will come a time when you don’t need it, but, knowing you, you will probably forget what the messages say within an hour, but anyway, I hope that this helps you greatly, here is a list of topics that the message box can give you data on.< The video then becomes like an interactable encyclopedia, where I can read the list at my own pace, I skim through it before my eyes lock on one entry, Dr. Crane Williams, I open the entry and i read about Crane, turns out, he was my fathers research partner and close friend, and the two of them met in college because they had managed to win a competition that landed them tuition for any college of their choosing, and they became friends after my dad stopped somebody from messing with Crane, there was a whole lot more there about Cranes upbringing, his family, his education, but I had to cut it short when Leanne entered my room, unannounced,

“What are you doing?” She glared, in her usual condescending tone, I am not in the mood for this “Jump off a cliff.” I growl, as I tuck the message away, but she sees it, and by the look on her face she could tell what I was looking at, “Let me guess, a message you don’t want anybody seeing?” I hate her but damn it she can connect the dots well, “Was it obvious?” I don’t bother denying it, she’ll just be a jerk about it, “No, I’m just used to being lied to, who's the message from?” Leanne nods at the message box, 

“It’s from my dad, he apparently worked at Kadmus and was friends with Crane.” The fact that my dad both worked ant Kadmus and was friends with crane seem to shock her, what’s really shocking though is what she asks next,

“Was your dad by chance Shane O’Maley?” I look at her, confused, “He was, why?” Leanne immediately seems to get shell shock, as she starts to geek out, “James your father was pretty much science royalty, I would have done anything to speak to him, oh my god I insulted the dead friend of Shane O’Maley, and of his son!” I feel angry that she brought that up again, but now feels like I can get something good out of this, “Ok I’ll make you a deal, if you only do tests with me and the other dragonkin willing to do so, and make sure not to do things like threatening to shock us if we don’t do what you want, I’ll tell you stories about my dad, deal?” It was almost impressive how quickly she answered, 

“Deal! Shock threats, exhaustion tests, and anything else like that is gone!” I am really happy that I can do stuff like that. That is the best ability ever.*1
*1 WIP

Hi folks ,
I’m 7 years in to my career, did 3 years b4, 1.5 ish as a gl accountant , then moved to another company for 2.5 years , recently (start of year) promoted to manager.
Without giving too much away, the company is undergoing a massive reorg with both operations and some finance teams being ‘streamlined’ ie gutted, a few members of my team (more than half) late last year bounced and I was about to bounce myself until they offered me this position (I can only assume because they wanted to stop turnover and they had to give me something - I had previously been told they were going to hire externally for the role which I was pissed about, so I think they caught wind I was going to leave ).
Anyway, long story short, I’ve been in charge of training all the new starts and now have around 4 direct reports - they are all great , but it has been very , very draining teaching so many new folks all at once - I genuinely enjoy the training and coaching aspect of the role , but recently it’s been 60+ hour weeks trying to attend to additional projects ,
compared to other managers in the team -who have zero or at most one direct report - on that front I’m lacking as when I come into the office it’s really non -stop pass the parcel of questions for the majority of the day and I just have no time to crack on with stuff, whereas I see other managers chilling with their headphones in, not training anyone , getting shit done .
I recently had an experience where some of my team members were off sick and I had multiple key tax deadlines to meet , despite being vocal with the rest of the managers that I needed space , and despite raising to the cfo that I had no time to help with projects for a week , I got zero sympathy or support despite and was forced to help the rest of the guys with their projects .
I am burnt out and trying to get some clarity on this - is this standard ‘new to manager’ adjustments ? Or is it just the case that I am being shafted and I should gtfo? I have had nothing but great feedback from my staff on management style (easy going , but constructive and patient) , I’m pretty vocal about things and push back where I think it’s reasonable and delegate where I can ,and my manager has also given good feedback generally but I must admit I did not expect industry to be giving me this many hours lol.
The head of the function is a former b4 partner , and is , to be honest , absolutely relentless and meticulous , every other day there is some new urgent project, last minute presentation that has to be done, or some other chaotic BS.
A little disjointed but happy to hear some of y’all thoughts, I’ve had a couple days off and I’m just thinking the company has turned pretty toxic with B4 mentality being pushed down. I may give it a year in the role then bounce

My brother drinks a little too much to put it lightly… well tonight we were joking about after a few beers (a few for me, many for him) and discussing who would win in a fight. For reference he is 230lbs and out of shape, and I am 165lbs and very much in shape. I also have gotten into boxing recently (just training on a heavy bag) and after a long and friendly discussion about fighting he suggested we shadow box. I should have just told him no and left it at that, but I obliged his request as I was very confident he stood no chance. We agreed no hitting each other and to take it light. After 5-10 seconds of throwing punches (not hitting eachother) he ended up loosing his balance and slipping, hitting his head on a corner of a wall. He has a giant gash on his forehead and is currently on his way to the hospital to get stitches. There will be a scar and if I had to guess like 6-7 stitches. It’s pretty deep. I know it’s not exactly my fault, but I still feel like shit. I should have just told him no and not entertained his delusion, especially when he was so drunk. But now my mom is taking him to the hospital for the stitches and I feel like a piece of shit. That’s about it

I have diagnosed on paper by many professionals and psychs: bpd, PTSD, c-ptsd, adhd, GAD, insomnia and probably something else I might be forgetting.
I've done 4 years of debt therapy including group therapy at one clinic, took a break, a lot of bad stuff happened, realised I started having anger issues and then saw a new therapist who was awesome.
She only does dbt skill training and didnt focus on anything other than dbt and managing my bpd symptoms. Her therapy was great but it felt very surface level and shallow like I was making rather than resolving. I saw her for about a year and a half. She had to go on maternity leave and she referred me on to someone who used to be her colleague to do trauma work/therapy. Specifically emdr and schema.
I've seen this new lady weekly since November and I feel like she isn't helping. We haven't done any schema or emdr because there's always a really big incident or issue in my life happening and she doesnt want to retraumatise me.
The thing is I deferred uni this semester hoping I would be at least a little better, that the edge would be taken off. My previous therapist made a huge difference, like the fog was lifted but here I feel so stagnant like I'm getting worse.
She has the view that I will probably always need therapy and things aren't quick fixes which I do get but every day i feel so sad or stressed or aimless. I asked her what I should do to get through the day and she said my dbt skills. But then she also said dbt skills aren't super effective and are gaslighty.
I dont really know am I the issue for not just getting better? Shes a good therapist she has helped people but I just feel like she doesnt really get me. Last session was telehealth. I was in bed with endometriosis pain and I mentioned that I really struggled with my birthday the day before because I missed a lot of my old friends. She kind of acknowledged that then brushed it off(not the first time shes done this), recommended me a doctor for the endo pain then asked me what I wanted the session to focus on. I felt really stressed out and embarrassed about repeating the friend thing so I tried to deep breath and work my way up. She started asking if I was in a lot of pain, how were other things in my life, am I sure I was a session. This really freaked me, my head started to spin, I felt panicky and eventually through tears I told her I felt dismissed. She apologised and when I worked up the courage to say the friend thing again she instead started saying I need to put myself out there and recommended me groups to join yadda yadda.
I told her I wasnt sure if i was getting better and she said that unfortunately with adhd they struggle to find friendships and people and that's how it is and she wished she had more friends too.
That made me upset again because i felt doomed and i kinda just started agreeing with everything she was saying because I felt nervous expressing myself. She ended up leaving the session 10 minutes early saying she thought I was in too much pain to continue when really I was just stressed. This whole week I've felt depressed and stagnant like nothing is getting better and it sucks.
Sorry for the rant I just feel so lost.

You've finished all 5 LNs, and want more, well this thread has you covered. This will go over what you can read next.

Official Stuff

• Turn Around and Face Me

Well, you've read the LNs, why not read Turn Around and Face Me, the sequel series, set years after the original? May and Aleah Francois are now teenagers, going to an All-Girls Academy. This series is more lighthearted, and won't have any earth-shattering consequences to it. It's just two dumb teenagers in love with people who aren't interested in them. TAFM is still ongoing, and we should be getting chapter 3 fairly soon.

• I'm in Love With the Villainess manga.

Same story from the LNs, with a lot more detail. Aono Shimo's art takes what is already a great light novel series, and brings it to life in greater detail. There is a lot added on here, helping to make this a wonderful experience. It's currently in the Investigation arc, and runs monthly in Yuri Hime.

• Inori's Skeb Stories.

These are commissioned works she's done, and their canoncity is essentially TBD. Only a handful are translated here, I'm unsure as to where the rest are.

• Manwha....sorta?

Look, I'll be real here, there's no legal way to read it in english, nor any illegal ways. If you're Korean, or read Korean, it's here.

Fanfiction

It's the lifeblood of this community, and there are so many talented writers to share. This one will be broken down into a few different categories, to help direct people towards something they might love.

Alternate Universes.

• Before the Morning Rush, AKA Coffee Loop.

Rae Taylor is a coffee shop barista, who has a crush on a regular customer, named Claire Francois. It's your typical Coffee Shop AU, that was one of the first big fics in the community, and continues to influence AU works. The sequel "A Quiet Cup of Cheer" is very good, and I highly recommend.

• Even in the Next One

"Claire Francois awakens to find herself in Japan, where Rae once lived out her past life. It’s not hard to find her wife once more, and given a second life surely it will be easy to live that one out with Rae once again and help Rae as she had helped her in Bauer. It’s hardly as if Rae will need convincing, right?
Rei Oohashi has had a crush on the icy Francois-san ever since university classes started, she is just so pretty. One would not have expected those feelings to be returned nor to have Francois-san claim they were wives in a previous life. And does Francois-san have no memories from this life either… oh no."
Essentially it's a reverse isekai, with Claire being a fish out of water. And it's full of Persona and Dungeon Meshi references. This has a NSFW companion piece from the lovely brooklynapple, which I will not link here.

• I Fragged the Villainess "American high school student Claire Francois has always risen to the occasion in her every endeavor. Now, however, she's facing perhaps her greatest challenge yet -- a first-person shooter game??? Determined to succeed, she logs in every night only to be thwarted again and again by another player with a rather peculiar gamertag. How will she react when she learns that her mysterious rival is actually another student from her school?"

The same writer also did an ESO Crossover, which I recommend reading!

• "The Queen's New Life"

"Rei "Quinn" Oohashi has a decently normal life. A job she excels at, a bothersome sister, a hobby she is undefeatable at. Things start to change when a blonde-haired fashion designer enters her life."
The story isn't very far along, but the writer is definitely having fun with this one.

• Villainess Calling

"Two trans women with very different backgrounds, and personalities. Claire Francois, is the epitome of elegance and grace, her father a wealthy politician. Beneath the facade of elegance however, lies a painful past, that she fears coming to haunt her. The Violin becoming her means of escaping her world, if only for a moment.
Rae Taylor, is a Punk Rock Bassist, who found solace in the raw energy of punk, channeling her anger and frustration into the pounding rhythms of her bass guitar. Running from her past, she attempts to make a fresh start somewhere much different. Despite the lonely pain she feels, she pushes past it, in an attempt to pretend she's someone she's not: Someone confident, and able to hide the pain from everyone around her.
A chance meeting intertwines their paths, forcing them to confront their painful pasts, and embrace their true selves. Through their shared love of music, a bond is formed, that may just help them both find happiness."
Fully admit, this is a shameless self-promotion. The first few chapters are rough, but if you enjoy punk music, or just want to see what it would be like if Rae and Claire, were trans? You'll enjoy this! This also has a NSFW companion piece which I will not link.

• Steam Punk Loop "We enter an era where technology is advancing. Not many of the common folks are capable of magic. Machines are developed to make their lives easier. The discovery of Steam Power has greatly advanced the lives of the Lower Class, at the displeasure of the Aristocrats. Magic, however, is still regarded as a higher power which most Aristocrats still wield and follow traditions. As technology grows, magic starts to fade as a higher power for the Lower Classes and questions arise, why are they bowing to Aristocrats' Magic when Steam is far greater now? Tensions grow, unrest spreads, how will the growing chaos be stopped?

Rae Taylor is the daughter of the General Store owners who sell all kinds of items and are part of the middle class.
Claire Francois is the daughter of one of the most powerful and influential Aristocrats who has control on most of the trades in the metropolis.
How can two hearts from two worlds meet at a time of uncertainty?"
Easily one of the most creative AU series, it's a fun one!

• From Enemies to Lovers.

"Rae Taylor works for the Lilium Mafia House-one of their best agents, never failed a mission. She is send to the Francois House to act as a spy and eventually eliminate their sole daughter-Claire Francois. However, little did she expect that this mission would not be as easy as she deemed."
Mafia Gays? Say no more, I'm in.

• Half-Outlaw, Half-Villainess

"Four years after the Black Mesa Incident, a gang of Outlaws including former Bureaucrat Orla Maguire and her Physicist Step-Brother, Gustavo Freeman are decimated following a disastrous heist in Panama, scattering them to the wind, and sending Orla adrift to another world, with a blonde noble girl glaring down at her.
Claire Francois must now teach this upstart commoner, who appears to go by Rae Taylor, the proper ways to act in the Kingdom of Bauer, while attempting to truly decipher who she is, why she does what she does, and why she keeps talking about 'Home' as if it were some far away place. Rae, formerly Orla Maguire, must hold out and come up with a plan in the scheming shadows of Bauer if she wants any chance of seeing her old world and family again, all while continuing to work for Claire, and realizing they have a much deeper connection than she initially thought.
Meanwhile in Panama, Dr. Gustavo Freeman is surprised by the arrival of another Noblewoman, facing evidence of string theory, and the ever encroaching threat of the so-called 'Combine' Empire that is now aware of Earth's existence. Time will tell, the currents are swirling... can Outlaws and Nobles truly find redemption?"
Half-Life meets ILTV, in an unexpected crossover!

Canon Divergent

These fics cover stories set within the main universe, but diverge from canon in some way.

• In Search of Spring.

"Claire François is madly in love—and that's a problem.
All the things she once valued now stand in her way. The nobility could never accept her loving a commoner. The church could never accept her loving a woman. Her father would be so disappointed in her. None of that matters to her anymore, not as much as creating a future for herself and Rae Taylor. To do that, they'll first have to survive the coming revolution, and to survive, they'll have to change.
But, maybe, even with the entire world is standing against her and her love, if they can change themselves they'll have a chance to change the world. So that's what they'll have to do—whatever it takes."
It's the top rated Wataoshi fic, and for a reason. It's extremely well written, and there is so much care put into this series.

• A Cleaved Soul

"In which Rae's Soul isn't simply a copy of the Demon Queen's Soul Data, but merely one half of the whole."
This has spoilers for LN5, so I recommend avoiding it, if you're reading this and have yet to complete LN5. In addition, the other has written "Memories of Another World" and "I'm in Love With my Best Friend"

• ILTV- Withering Begonia: Maybe in another life

"An exploration of Rei Oohashi's lives with Claire Francois. Major LN5 spoilers.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” -Anias Nin"

• Head Over Heels

"Claire is accidentally hit with a love spell during magic class and suddenly can't keep her hands off of Rae. Rae doesn't know what to do now that Claire is giving her a taste of her own medicine. How will our heroine overcome this daunting challenge?"
Brooklynapple has also written "a day worth celebrating" a cute Claire birthday piece, and "what we deserve"

• Please Don't Leave Me

"Rae's Duel with Manaria goes wrong
She wakes up back in her old life in Japan
Claire is left alone"
From the author of Eitno, we have a tearjerker, that is excellent.

• Perfectly Flawed

"A collection of short stories concerning Manaria Sousse from "I'm in Love With the Villainess." I recommend reading this after at least reading Volume 2, or after reading the whole story."

• Right Person, Different Status

"Rei wakes up in Revolution like in the original but.... She's royalty?"

• Manaria Murder Mystery

"After becoming Queen, Manaria tasks have piled up. However, something sinister has happened. Someone from her family has been murdered! She has to recruit her friends to help her solve the mystery."

• Black Lilies

" As the dust settles, and the world begins to heal, the once mighty Demon Queen, Rei Oohashi has been defeated. But her story does not end with her defeat, it is only just beginning. Rei has been offered a second chance, a chance to repent for her actions as the Demon Queen. Despite her inability to forgive herself, despite her lingering scars, one person sees through them all: Lilly Lilium.
A girl who despite her own scars, from her time as her father's assassin, wishes for nothing more than to help Rei to heal, even if she's incapable of doing so herself. Together they begin a journey spanning the Kingdom of Bauer, and beyond, whilst battling their own inner turmoil."
Again, shameless self-promotion.

• Lilly Lilium Is Not A Princess!

"After deciding to take another pilgrimage, Lilly finds herself in Melica, where a certain chestnut-haired woman waits."
A fic dedicated to an underrated pairing. It's cute, check it out
I realize I am missing quite a few fics, but it's almost 2AM and I'm tired. Is there a fic you enjoy that should be on the list? Comment and I'll add it! Writing your own and need tips? Comment!

I'm training for my boxing match we have scheduled. I'll destroy his little soyboy skull with devastations. Haymakers to his face, mouth, nose. I'll hit him so hard he won't even remember what he invented. He probably already doesn't remember.
He's gonna wish he invented chrome. - I'm going to "invent" his fkng head.

I've been putting off voice training for a while and I thought I finally had the motivation to start. I saw L's guide and thought it was straight forward enough and it made a lot of sense. But it was also pretty old so I thought there might be a newer version and I came across a bunch of people saying the guide was outdated and not recommended. People said to listen to the Selene clips.
So I did and I understand what she was saying about size and weight and how you need a proper weight for the vocal size to sound right. And I understand the difference between a small and a large size, and a heavy and a light weight. But how do I actually do any of that? "Make your voice smaller" Thank you, very helpful. What am I supposed to actually do? So I figure, alright maybe this is just a bit more advanced and I look at the transvoicelessons youtube channel instead and I go to the "ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS" video. And less than 5 minutes in as the first exercise she wants me to mimic her pitch which I don't even know the first thing about... I don't do music so I have no clue what pitch she is at let alone how to mimic it with my voice. (I've always hated the sound of my voice so I don't sing or do anything besides speak "normally")
So now I just feel like I'm in way over my head and I don't understand where I'm supposed to even begin. Even the most basic beginner stuff seems too complicated for me and I don't know what to do

So my mental health is thin anyways. I've known this.
Everyone I love is fighting. So one of my closest friends from another Church, her husband ran away with someone else from the Church.
I lost my brother to cancer a few years ago. There was no reason for him to have cancer. Then my Mom got breast cancer two years ago. It came back. But she's clear now. My best friend's mom has stage 4 cancer. So many people have died lately. Mire than this. And sick. My aunt is in the hospital. Umm yeah. I feel like the more I talk about all this the more crazy I feel.
If you can think of an area of life where you would have pressure. I have it.
I started missing sleep last summer I think it was. Well maybe before that. The itching started. On and off at night. I couldn't sleep. I itched like crazy. I got up and would put lotion on. I started waiting to take my allergy medicine with supper.
After a while I figured it was psychological. Umm.. I have this one stuffed animal my Mom bought me as a suprise recently. Weirdly if I can purmt my arms around that at night, the itching goes away. Most times.
This year the sleeplessness got worse. Umm early spring I think. I just literally couldn't sleep. It was miserable. It wasn't just the itchiness either. I was exhausted. My body craved sleep, but it would not shut off when I went to lay down. Melatonin wouldn't help.
I'm depressed I think. Undiagnosed. I told my Dad that I don't feel happiness anymore. I feel like I'm in panic mode waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I feel like everything is an act.I don't do things to bring me joy. I'm not lazy. I can't stand to see people hurting and nothing I can do. I want to help other people. I can't scrub an entire bathroom with a toothbrush. But for me I don't care. When I'm feeling good enough where I do something for me I do them to distract me.
But I told him that I prayed about it and that God had been giving me good thoughts lately. I felt like my mind was being flooded with good things. Good memories.
I didnt tell him this, but I had been feeling like I'm on autopilot. Just stopped living. Waiting to get to heaven to see my brother again. I was thinking thag this wast right. And God was helping me. But I was feeling better for a bit.
Then he started preaching about how God told us to be happy. And choosing happiness. And not wallowing in self pity. Every Sunday. And praying in public that we wouldn't proud be sorry slobs wallowing in self pity. Yet he denies it was about me.
So I get migraines every Sunday. And I'm not sleeping again and he knows it so probably he is going to preach on that today.
But in the midst of all this I found some friends online in gaming, and a guy that liked me, and we started spending time together. I started staying up late to play with him, and I thought the staying up late reset my sleep schedule. I could sleep again. We got close for a while. It wasn't serious but it was a friend I needed.
Well then in the midst of all this he started liking my friend better than me. She threw herself at him. I suspected, for a bit. Then confirmed. And I found them online together.
Anyways after this I started losing time. In the day. Like my bracelet broke. I came back to fix it the next night and it was repaired. I went into McDonald's and the cashier told me exactly what I wanted to order, and asked me if it was for here or to go. It scared me. I had no memory of telling him that.
Then I started not staying up so late, and my mind got better. But now I'm back to not sleeping good. I wake up at 3 am and lay awake. So I took melatonin, and it helped. I like took it 3 times over two weeks. 10mg.
Umm . . . Also I just wanted to sleep. And sometimes when it is working, like just before I fall to sleep, it almost feels like it kicks the serotonin in and I feel normal. I wanted that.
But then two nights ago I took it again. And I did not sleep. The next day man I was groggy. Confused. Like is my hand on the table or beside me. I could snap out of it, but I struggle. Then I got a good night's sleep, and felt a little normal. Then I started to write an email, and I was talking about my brother's death. I didn't want to.
Either my brain was still tired, or the melatonin is still in my system, but I got feeling confused again.
I'm awake at 1 am again. I still don't feel right in the head.

I know it’s all but confirmed, but we can all agree Vanyek knew about raid on Skalitz? The day of he tells Henry he has to hurry up and train him as he’ll be heading out shortly. Then when you later run into him at Vranik he explains that he “got the hell out of there before it all started” almost like a fraudulent slip. We never really talk to him after that and I’m guessing he dies during the raid? Any more info I could be missing would be awesome!

Hi hi. I hope you're all doing well. I know it's probably sort of silly to come to a subreddit like his to just talk, but I wanted a place to do so and this seemed like the best option.
I'm so... so sad. And I try not to think about it so much, but it gets hard sometimes. I'm tearing up heavily just writing this post. I'm 20M, and I'm out of school, in College, but I had to withdraw from my first two semesters because I just couldn't handle it.
I'm doing my best to put on a happy face for everyone around me, including those I love, but I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it, I keep having these breakthrough days where I just don't have the energy to even get up, much less help around the house or get out to do anything.
My one thought that I always come back to is that I just want to be little again. The world was so much brighter then. I would come home from my elementary school and sit in the family office watching my mother play Plants Vs Zombies. And I always got so scared of the Zombies but I wanted to stay in there and put on a brave face for her. And then I'd go play with my toys... my Thomas the Tank Engine toys... those were my favorites. We'd occasionally go to the store and get a new one to add to my little train collection.. And my stuffed animals. I thought they were so magical. My mom would write me letters from one of them, one of my favorites. I think a little part of me died the day I found out it was just her. But I still had that childlike wonder, the feeling that nothing could or would go wrong. As I got older, things just got grayer. I don't know why.
I don't know why I have all these thoughts. I'm on a cocktail of medicines that SHOULD be working. But when I have them in me, I just feel... numb to everything? The dog I had for the longest time died earlier in the year, and I just didn't feel anything. It's not like I'm avoiding taking them, but I feel like... it just dampens anything I do. I know that's probably silly.
My mom and dad are so supportive of me and I love them so much. But I know they're not always going to be there, and there's always that little thought in the back of my head that says, would I be better off if I went before them so I wouldn't have to bear losing them? I know it's not right, but I don't know if I could lose one of them and still be okay.
Everything moves so fast these days. I have to pay attention to so many things. When I was little, nothing seemed like it would ever move. I liked it that way. God, I even broke down when my family changed the wallpaper in the house I grew up in. I still have a little strip I keep of that wallpaper I have in a music box. I never want to lose it.
And I love my dad. I love him so much. I know he's not got the same thoughts that I do, he grew up in a different time. I know I'm neurodivergent. And he does his very best to accommodate me, but he still makes me sad sometimes, and then he feels like it's his fault, and then HE gets sad, and then I feel awful... it's not the best dynamic, but I do my best to roll with it.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post so much, I just needed a place to write down my thoughts, I think. I have no plans of taking my life, or anything silly like harming myself, but I need something. I don't know what I need, though. I just need these thoughts to stop. I get so sad... and I know I have an okay life. So why do I feel this way? Thank you for listening to me, if indeed you still are, and I hope you have an excellent rest of your night.

I know a lot of you guys are enjoying the transfer window, scouting for the next wonderkid or sell the ugliest guy in your team. I love that part as well but after doing that for 20 years I would like to try to just be the Head coach.
Have you tried letting your DoF or Technical director do the transfers for you and what is your experience?
I want to do this to see if I can improve in training, mentoring and data analytics instead of spending all the time at the scouting screen. Try to maximize the squad that you've been giving.