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2024.05.19 01:31 2buckbill Dad had a good day and I really kind of needed it
My dad, after a consistent and very slow decline, finally had a pretty good memory day today. He has what I guess is a "run of the mill" vascular dementia. I'm far from an expert.
A bit more than 2 years ago his wife passed away in early 2022. I didn't know, at that time, that he had any unusual health problems. They didn't tell me about any mobility issues, they didn't tell me about some of the conditions he had developed, and they didn't tell me about the dementia diagnosis. When she passed my dad just stopped taking care of himself, and he spiraled pretty fast. He spent a couple of weeks in the hospital while we got him sorted out and I was finally clued in to how far he had declined in the previous couple of years. I was able to get POA for his health and finances to help make decisions. A couple of weeks later the doctors said that he was OK to go home on his own with help from some occupational therapy, and a nurse visiting a couple of times a week. This was in mid to late April of 2022. By early June he was getting some pretty serious notices from utilities, credit card companies, and others wanting to be paid. Dad thought everything was paid automatically (said his late wife had set that up), and had been ignoring every bill that came his way. This was when I really found out how bad things had become. There hadn't been a bill paid in months, his wife had been using HIS credit cards for HER purchases, and as I recall it there was about $11,500 in credit card debts that she had left for him. On HER OWN cards she had about $19,000 in credit card debt (I never paid that, my dad was not a guarantor on her accounts). My dad's credit score tanked, and was flirting with dipping into the 500s. So I stepped in and took over. I'd never had to take over someone else's finances before, and thus began a whole lot of change in both our lives. There were mysterious bills that were getting paid from his accounts, his cell phone bill was in the hundreds, there were debts she had created; some he knew about and some he didn't. I had to do some very basic financial forensics to figure out what was happening. The list of her dumb-fuckeries is sadly extensive, she was just a financial-fucking-idiot. He had a few thousand dollars remaining in his accounts, but he had a consistent pension and Social Security coming in. I started prioritizing the debt into utilities versus credit, and started getting him set right. It took about a year or year and a half, but my dad became debt free, and developed a substantial savings. His credit score is in the mid / high 700s again.
He is good enough to live mostly on his own still. I call most nights to check up on him, run through the list. "Did you eat enough? Did you take your medicine? Did you get any exercise? Did you visit with any friends? How you showered recently?" And on Saturdays I go over to his house to refill his medications, take him shopping, take a rudimentary inventory of his physical and mental condition, and I take him to lunch, usually with my wife and daughter. I take his blood pressure, and report it to his GP via an online portal. I do a bit of picking up in his house, maybe clean some things. Remind him about upcoming appointments. This takes up most of my Saturdays. I also get him to most of his medical and dental appointments, work with his doctors and nurses, and manage most of his life. But I also have a house, a demanding career (where I have a full team to manage and lead), a wife, a four year old, and pets. Everyone and everything deserves attention, of course, but these days I feel like I am constantly trying to pour from an empty container. I'm always exhausted, and I wake up nearly every night afraid that I missed something. Did dad take his pills? Did we miss any bills? Is my daughter OK? Did I hear her coughing? Did I miss something at work? Did I miss a page out? I have to get up and check my work phone. I'm just exhausted, and burnt out on all of it.
But today... He remembered my daughter's name, my brother's name, my wife's name, and even the names of cousins. He remembered his friends' names, he remembered his bills, and where he put them. He was even a bit spry when I took him shopping. He cracked jokes. He was in the best mood that I've seen him in in.... hell, maybe years? He understood everything that I was telling him, and HE TOLD ME about an upcoming appointment that he remembered. And man... I needed it. I needed an easier day. It is like a little bit of the weight lifted. I know that it is just one day, and he might be having these good days on the days when I am not over there to manage his home, but I usually see more difficult days. It isn't a whole lot, but tonight it feels like the vessel I am trying to pour from finally has a bit of something in it, it doesn't feel so empty.
submitted by 2buckbill to dementia [link] [comments]
A bit more than 2 years ago his wife passed away in early 2022. I didn't know, at that time, that he had any unusual health problems. They didn't tell me about any mobility issues, they didn't tell me about some of the conditions he had developed, and they didn't tell me about the dementia diagnosis. When she passed my dad just stopped taking care of himself, and he spiraled pretty fast. He spent a couple of weeks in the hospital while we got him sorted out and I was finally clued in to how far he had declined in the previous couple of years. I was able to get POA for his health and finances to help make decisions. A couple of weeks later the doctors said that he was OK to go home on his own with help from some occupational therapy, and a nurse visiting a couple of times a week. This was in mid to late April of 2022. By early June he was getting some pretty serious notices from utilities, credit card companies, and others wanting to be paid. Dad thought everything was paid automatically (said his late wife had set that up), and had been ignoring every bill that came his way. This was when I really found out how bad things had become. There hadn't been a bill paid in months, his wife had been using HIS credit cards for HER purchases, and as I recall it there was about $11,500 in credit card debts that she had left for him. On HER OWN cards she had about $19,000 in credit card debt (I never paid that, my dad was not a guarantor on her accounts). My dad's credit score tanked, and was flirting with dipping into the 500s. So I stepped in and took over. I'd never had to take over someone else's finances before, and thus began a whole lot of change in both our lives. There were mysterious bills that were getting paid from his accounts, his cell phone bill was in the hundreds, there were debts she had created; some he knew about and some he didn't. I had to do some very basic financial forensics to figure out what was happening. The list of her dumb-fuckeries is sadly extensive, she was just a financial-fucking-idiot. He had a few thousand dollars remaining in his accounts, but he had a consistent pension and Social Security coming in. I started prioritizing the debt into utilities versus credit, and started getting him set right. It took about a year or year and a half, but my dad became debt free, and developed a substantial savings. His credit score is in the mid / high 700s again.
He is good enough to live mostly on his own still. I call most nights to check up on him, run through the list. "Did you eat enough? Did you take your medicine? Did you get any exercise? Did you visit with any friends? How you showered recently?" And on Saturdays I go over to his house to refill his medications, take him shopping, take a rudimentary inventory of his physical and mental condition, and I take him to lunch, usually with my wife and daughter. I take his blood pressure, and report it to his GP via an online portal. I do a bit of picking up in his house, maybe clean some things. Remind him about upcoming appointments. This takes up most of my Saturdays. I also get him to most of his medical and dental appointments, work with his doctors and nurses, and manage most of his life. But I also have a house, a demanding career (where I have a full team to manage and lead), a wife, a four year old, and pets. Everyone and everything deserves attention, of course, but these days I feel like I am constantly trying to pour from an empty container. I'm always exhausted, and I wake up nearly every night afraid that I missed something. Did dad take his pills? Did we miss any bills? Is my daughter OK? Did I hear her coughing? Did I miss something at work? Did I miss a page out? I have to get up and check my work phone. I'm just exhausted, and burnt out on all of it.
But today... He remembered my daughter's name, my brother's name, my wife's name, and even the names of cousins. He remembered his friends' names, he remembered his bills, and where he put them. He was even a bit spry when I took him shopping. He cracked jokes. He was in the best mood that I've seen him in in.... hell, maybe years? He understood everything that I was telling him, and HE TOLD ME about an upcoming appointment that he remembered. And man... I needed it. I needed an easier day. It is like a little bit of the weight lifted. I know that it is just one day, and he might be having these good days on the days when I am not over there to manage his home, but I usually see more difficult days. It isn't a whole lot, but tonight it feels like the vessel I am trying to pour from finally has a bit of something in it, it doesn't feel so empty.
2024.05.19 01:12 Tha_Rocket Looking for advice, buckle up it's long ride...
I'm a 42 year old male, I met my wife when I was 18, she was 23 and we began 'dating' when I was 21, working a job I hated in the same place she worked (casino workers, if you know, you know). We hooked up at a Xmas party and started a very awkward relationship. I say awkward because we had some weird trouble having sex for the first like 6 months... it's odd when I think back on it, should have been a huge red flag but she was draped in reg flags the entire time and it didn't seem matter to me. Aside from that, when we finally did have sex she got pregnant... she was not at all ready, neither was I really, but are you ever? At any rate, I didn't have too much of say in it, she decided on an abortion and I supported her. We stayed together after that horribly shitty experience, our relationship was never really all that good, lots of petty fighting/arguing and really the only reason it continued was because we worked opposite shifts and barely saw each other which made it easier to sorta get along.
Fast forward a couple years, we decide to buy a house because financially it made sense (this is almost 20 years ago so it was still affordable at that time), she made quite a bit of money, mostly in tips (so not on paper), but she probably made 2-3 times as much as I did so she never really struggled financially (in her life I don't think) while I came out of poverty and lived paycheck to paycheck up until a few years ago (the pandemic was surprisingly good for my career). This was never really an issue for me, I've lived in debt my whole life and I've always had the optimism that I would eventually work my way out of it, it's really the only bit of confidence I have in myself, my ability to learn and become relatively good at almost anything. This was always a point of contention, my wife hated that I had debt so when we bought the house together we were asked if we wanted a joint bank account as most couples combine their finances with cohabitation, my wife scoffed and adamantly told the banker there was no way she's mixing her finances with mine, it was relatively embarrassing at the time but I was also just 25 (she was 30) so I went along with whatever, it was going to be slightly cheaper for me to pay a mortgage than rent at the time so I was in and she'd cover bills. Things were never that great when living together, things must have been good enough for me to stay but I only look back with anger now so it's hard to see anything good but I'm sure there must have been some.
Fast forward another couple years and I feel extremely pressured (by her and her family mostly, they're old fashioned country type folks) to ask her to marry me... so I do. We stay engaged for another few years, I have no desire to waste a bunch on money on a wedding but she's the one with money so we have the big wedding she wanted. I'll admit it was a pretty great party, I don't remember anything good involving her on our wedding day but I have lots of good memories with family and friends. Afterwards we went on a 'romantic' honeymoon at an all-inclusive tropical resort and this is where I'll get into a bit of what I've dealt with for years... our resort was gorgeous, room was nice, just a room but nice... first thing my wife did was complain, about everything, the bed, the fridge, the lights, the balcony... nothing was good enough for her, this would become a common theme for the next decade plus. We also did not have sex on our honeymoon, she was far too busy complaining and being angry for us to ever get in the 'mood', this would be more foreshadowing of what's to come.
Now, this might seem like I'm building up to her becoming really bad after getting married but that's not really the case... she was just as bad before, it didn't really get worse, it just became more noticeable... or maybe I just tolerated things more in the beginning. The truth is when I look back, there were so many signs, she casually put me down and basically treated me like a child from day one, something I just accepted because looking back, I was a fucking child when we got together... she was not really, five years my senior, and she very much took advantage of that dynamic. Over the years she slowly went about convincing me that the things I wanted were silly/ridiculous and that I should want what she wanted (the nice lawn, the house, kids, etc., etc.) because everyone should. I never wanted these things.
I won't get into details here because I could write a novel on the insane shit I've dealt with over the last 20 years that could prove this, but I did do a lot of research in the last few years and have come to the conclusion that she could have BPD with narcissistic traits... I'm obviously not a doctor so it's definitely not a diagnosis or anything but she ticks almost every box from the many many things I've read on the subject, so if you have a moment and you don't know what BPD is I suggest googling it. It's pretty terrible but it might give you a better idea of my life.
At any rate, I dug myself deeper and deeper, thinking that every next move would finally make her happy and bring me some kind of peace, so we had a child about a year after we were married. This is where it gets really tricky... I sincerely regret having a child with this woman, especially because she is not at all "cut out to be a mother" (her words, not mine) but her mother had been sick on and off with cancer for a few years and her older sister couldn't have children so she felt obligated to give her mom a grandchild, bad reasons all around to have a child. That being said, I love my son more than anything in the world. As much as I wish we did not bring him into this horrible world, he's still the very best thing to happen to me and I will take care of him and love him for the rest of my life no matter what.
I should mention, since I've eluded to it, I've always had self-esteem issues, goes all the way back to having acne problems in high school but my wife has methodically picked away at my confidence and self-esteem over the years, cutting me down to this very day... to the point that I feel very much worthless. I know that I'm not, I know I deserve better but another fun thing about my wife is her desperate need for sympathy... So, not only does she make me feel horrible about myself, she also manages to make me feel horrible FOR her... she's overweight, and I'm sure has low self-esteem herself but she has decided to take it out on others rather than internalize and try to make things better for herself. She would rather blame others for any of her short comings, I guess it's easier to convince yourself you can't do anything about it when it's someone else fault.
I apologize, because I feel like I'm a bit all over the place but I guess I'm just trying to set the scene for where I'm at now and give just a small glimpse of the hell I've been living in and how I got here...
The first few years of my sons life were pretty great (comparatively at least), honestly it was probably the best we've ever gotten along, probably because most of my focus (and hers) was on our son. Unfortunately, her mother passed away just after my son's first birthday, this was obviously devastating for her, not unexpected but still devastating. We're lucky in Canada because she had a full year maternity leave and was able to spend time with her mom. She took it very hard, and decided to stay off work for an additional 4-6 months (can't remember exactly). This was all fine and understandable, I supported her through all of it, financially and emotionally. Once she went back to work, this is when things took a real nose dive... she has always been a very entitled person but upon going back to work (part time I should mention) she decided everything was horrible for her so she was going to make it horrible for everyone around her. This went on for around 4-5 years (again, the time frames get fuzzy because it's been so long), it was hell. I really just plowed through for our son, I made him my main focus and I took care of everything. Without going into it too much, I sort of shifted gears with my job and focused on finding something that worked better for raising a kid, I got onto a full time day shift (unheard in the casino world) and we worked opposite shifts. It was pretty good for child care (that we couldn't afford) as one of us was always home. This made her more contentious... again, going back to the entitled thing, she felt it wasn't 'fair' for me to work a good shift, she should be the one doing that. I eventually worked my way out of casinos and into a work from home job (before COVID) and it was great, she could work whatever shift she had to and I would always be around for our son.
Fast forward again, my son's in school, she's still super angry at life and making things hellish but I do my best to make it good for our son. It's difficult to keep a smile on with him while putting up with temper tantrums and fits from my wife... yes, we had a toddler and she was the one who threw fits. For an example, I can recall one specific Xmas where my son and I were playing video games which is his biggest interest, something she absolutely hates, and she made a few comments about how we should be doing family things together for Xmas (it was Xmas eve), so my son and I got off the computer and played a board game in the living room... nice and wholesome fun I thought. My wife throws a fit, full on screaming and slamming things around, I don't even remember what for exactly, it happens so often I can't keep track anymore. Her temper tantrum ends with her storming off and slamming the door to her room. I'll never forget looking at my son right after, him tearing up a bit and asking me "what is wrong mom?" and I just said "I'm really sorry buddy, I don't know" and we hugged... I cried a lot about that that night, one of many times I would have to apologize for her and the way she acts around him. This is just one small example and a terrible Xmas memory that I'll always have, hopefully my son won't. I think the worst part of these 'tantrums' is that she can almost always justify them, only to herself really but usually by blaming me or my son for "making her so upset" or worse, blaming some inanimate object for "not working how it should".
Fast forward to now(ish)... I've basically lived in my basement for the last 5 years, my office and bedroom are there, I stay down there to avoid my wife as much as possible but it feels like a prison cell now. I've retreated from life in general over the years too, I've always been a pretty anti-social introvert, I prefer quiet one on one conversations rather than group settings. Most of my 'friends' over the last 10-15 years revolved around my job (casinos take over your life people, for real) and my wife, I slowly lost any friends that had no connection to her. This was partially due to me retreating and the fact that my wife would insert herself into any friendship that was just mine to the point that I sort shut those people out to avoid them having to deal with her. Sadly, I don't have friends anymore (didn't have many to begin with but still), my son is essentially my only friend and because I work from home by myself I rarely talk to any other adults. My wife and I talk only when necessary... I cannot make eye contact with her anymore. This is probably needless to say but we haven't had sex in over 6 and a half years and I don't cheat, I don't have the confidence, so I've just accepted that I'm celibate now.
One other area of contention that I feel I should explain since I've mentioned it already, through the pandemic there was a serious power shift, financially speaking. She essentially lost her job and is now in a lower paying part time job (more realistic pay compared to her previous job), whereas I made a couple job changes that bumped me up well ahead of her. For comparison, the salaries essentially flipped, almost exactly... to where I make 2-3 times what she makes. This has become an area of contention because this was something she was able to lord over me for the majority of our relationship, she spent money freely while I paid the mortgage and barely ate for the first 5 years we lived in the house but now, for the first time in her life she has to pay attention to her finances and watch her spending... she does not like this so it's just another thing to constantly complain about and make passive aggressive comments about the things that 'dad' can afford to do/buy but doesn't (mainly because I'm paying the mortgage and all the bills now while finally paying down some debt).
Oh, I should probably also mention that it's a regular thing for her to insult me and put me down in front of our son and on flip side of that she also uses him to garner sympathy from me ("shouldn't daddy feel bad mommy has to go to work?") it's very frustrating because I just want to protect my kid but I guess she knows that.
Again, I'll apologize for how disjointed this all is... the more I type, the more I think about shit to type... like I mentioned, I could write a novel on this, mostly because I have no real outlet, just sit in my basement talking to myself about it all... or I guess stewing in it.
So, I guess I should try to finish off with what exactly the advice is that I'm seeking... I essentially hate my wife, the word I use often is 'despise' and over the years we've had brief conversations where I've told her that "I'm done and I'm just here for the kid" and unfortunately she took this as push to work on our marriage harder and 'fix' things, far too little, too late. She makes me feel like the worse person in the world and yet I just can't bring myself to say to her face that I want a divorce... I feel sorry for her, fuck so much so that I bought a house with her, married her, and had a fucking kid with her... I'm sure that's not the case, I must have loved her at one point but I just can't see it anymore. I don't know why I can't say it to her, why I can't just end this... I'm so worried about how she'll react, what she'll do to me, to my kid... how she'll try and turn him against me. I'm just paralyzed with the fear of what could/will happen if I tell her we're getting a divorce.
I've made plans over the last few years to move out, rent an apartment for me and my kid and just continue to pay her bills until we can sell the house and split the profit. I can't afford to do this, it would cause me to go back into debt but I do not care, it would be worth it to get away from her. I have set deadline after deadline... "I'll do it after Xmas" or "after her birthday" or "before my birthday" and these days come and go and I just can't do it... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, it's like I just don't want to hurt her, even though I'm hurting her by not ending things and she definitely doesn't give a shit about hurting me... I just don't want to face her and deal with it and how she will make the aftermath hell.. and I worry so much about my son, it would have been so much better for him if I would have divorced her years ago, he's fucking 10 now... another fear is having to explain it to him but we're setting a horrible example. One of my wife's favourite ways to use our son against me, is planting it in his head that "family is all that matters", focusing specifically on our little family, and how we have to "stick together no matter what, that's what family does". It's such an underhanded way to prep him for hating me because I'm "breaking up our family".
I would appreciate any advice on how the hell I can get over my paralyzing fear and just end this marriage or maybe you wanna come over and end it for me? I'm at a point where I'd take that... as I mentioned I've not shared most of this with anyone... so feedback would be a really new thing for me.
Oh, and please feel free to call me chicken shit, and tell me I just need to grow a pair and get this done... it's the same thing I've been saying to myself for years, not helpful but I understand the sentiment.
Shit... I'm sorry, this turned into a novel. Thank you.
submitted by Tha_Rocket to Divorce [link] [comments]
Fast forward a couple years, we decide to buy a house because financially it made sense (this is almost 20 years ago so it was still affordable at that time), she made quite a bit of money, mostly in tips (so not on paper), but she probably made 2-3 times as much as I did so she never really struggled financially (in her life I don't think) while I came out of poverty and lived paycheck to paycheck up until a few years ago (the pandemic was surprisingly good for my career). This was never really an issue for me, I've lived in debt my whole life and I've always had the optimism that I would eventually work my way out of it, it's really the only bit of confidence I have in myself, my ability to learn and become relatively good at almost anything. This was always a point of contention, my wife hated that I had debt so when we bought the house together we were asked if we wanted a joint bank account as most couples combine their finances with cohabitation, my wife scoffed and adamantly told the banker there was no way she's mixing her finances with mine, it was relatively embarrassing at the time but I was also just 25 (she was 30) so I went along with whatever, it was going to be slightly cheaper for me to pay a mortgage than rent at the time so I was in and she'd cover bills. Things were never that great when living together, things must have been good enough for me to stay but I only look back with anger now so it's hard to see anything good but I'm sure there must have been some.
Fast forward another couple years and I feel extremely pressured (by her and her family mostly, they're old fashioned country type folks) to ask her to marry me... so I do. We stay engaged for another few years, I have no desire to waste a bunch on money on a wedding but she's the one with money so we have the big wedding she wanted. I'll admit it was a pretty great party, I don't remember anything good involving her on our wedding day but I have lots of good memories with family and friends. Afterwards we went on a 'romantic' honeymoon at an all-inclusive tropical resort and this is where I'll get into a bit of what I've dealt with for years... our resort was gorgeous, room was nice, just a room but nice... first thing my wife did was complain, about everything, the bed, the fridge, the lights, the balcony... nothing was good enough for her, this would become a common theme for the next decade plus. We also did not have sex on our honeymoon, she was far too busy complaining and being angry for us to ever get in the 'mood', this would be more foreshadowing of what's to come.
Now, this might seem like I'm building up to her becoming really bad after getting married but that's not really the case... she was just as bad before, it didn't really get worse, it just became more noticeable... or maybe I just tolerated things more in the beginning. The truth is when I look back, there were so many signs, she casually put me down and basically treated me like a child from day one, something I just accepted because looking back, I was a fucking child when we got together... she was not really, five years my senior, and she very much took advantage of that dynamic. Over the years she slowly went about convincing me that the things I wanted were silly/ridiculous and that I should want what she wanted (the nice lawn, the house, kids, etc., etc.) because everyone should. I never wanted these things.
I won't get into details here because I could write a novel on the insane shit I've dealt with over the last 20 years that could prove this, but I did do a lot of research in the last few years and have come to the conclusion that she could have BPD with narcissistic traits... I'm obviously not a doctor so it's definitely not a diagnosis or anything but she ticks almost every box from the many many things I've read on the subject, so if you have a moment and you don't know what BPD is I suggest googling it. It's pretty terrible but it might give you a better idea of my life.
At any rate, I dug myself deeper and deeper, thinking that every next move would finally make her happy and bring me some kind of peace, so we had a child about a year after we were married. This is where it gets really tricky... I sincerely regret having a child with this woman, especially because she is not at all "cut out to be a mother" (her words, not mine) but her mother had been sick on and off with cancer for a few years and her older sister couldn't have children so she felt obligated to give her mom a grandchild, bad reasons all around to have a child. That being said, I love my son more than anything in the world. As much as I wish we did not bring him into this horrible world, he's still the very best thing to happen to me and I will take care of him and love him for the rest of my life no matter what.
I should mention, since I've eluded to it, I've always had self-esteem issues, goes all the way back to having acne problems in high school but my wife has methodically picked away at my confidence and self-esteem over the years, cutting me down to this very day... to the point that I feel very much worthless. I know that I'm not, I know I deserve better but another fun thing about my wife is her desperate need for sympathy... So, not only does she make me feel horrible about myself, she also manages to make me feel horrible FOR her... she's overweight, and I'm sure has low self-esteem herself but she has decided to take it out on others rather than internalize and try to make things better for herself. She would rather blame others for any of her short comings, I guess it's easier to convince yourself you can't do anything about it when it's someone else fault.
I apologize, because I feel like I'm a bit all over the place but I guess I'm just trying to set the scene for where I'm at now and give just a small glimpse of the hell I've been living in and how I got here...
The first few years of my sons life were pretty great (comparatively at least), honestly it was probably the best we've ever gotten along, probably because most of my focus (and hers) was on our son. Unfortunately, her mother passed away just after my son's first birthday, this was obviously devastating for her, not unexpected but still devastating. We're lucky in Canada because she had a full year maternity leave and was able to spend time with her mom. She took it very hard, and decided to stay off work for an additional 4-6 months (can't remember exactly). This was all fine and understandable, I supported her through all of it, financially and emotionally. Once she went back to work, this is when things took a real nose dive... she has always been a very entitled person but upon going back to work (part time I should mention) she decided everything was horrible for her so she was going to make it horrible for everyone around her. This went on for around 4-5 years (again, the time frames get fuzzy because it's been so long), it was hell. I really just plowed through for our son, I made him my main focus and I took care of everything. Without going into it too much, I sort of shifted gears with my job and focused on finding something that worked better for raising a kid, I got onto a full time day shift (unheard in the casino world) and we worked opposite shifts. It was pretty good for child care (that we couldn't afford) as one of us was always home. This made her more contentious... again, going back to the entitled thing, she felt it wasn't 'fair' for me to work a good shift, she should be the one doing that. I eventually worked my way out of casinos and into a work from home job (before COVID) and it was great, she could work whatever shift she had to and I would always be around for our son.
Fast forward again, my son's in school, she's still super angry at life and making things hellish but I do my best to make it good for our son. It's difficult to keep a smile on with him while putting up with temper tantrums and fits from my wife... yes, we had a toddler and she was the one who threw fits. For an example, I can recall one specific Xmas where my son and I were playing video games which is his biggest interest, something she absolutely hates, and she made a few comments about how we should be doing family things together for Xmas (it was Xmas eve), so my son and I got off the computer and played a board game in the living room... nice and wholesome fun I thought. My wife throws a fit, full on screaming and slamming things around, I don't even remember what for exactly, it happens so often I can't keep track anymore. Her temper tantrum ends with her storming off and slamming the door to her room. I'll never forget looking at my son right after, him tearing up a bit and asking me "what is wrong mom?" and I just said "I'm really sorry buddy, I don't know" and we hugged... I cried a lot about that that night, one of many times I would have to apologize for her and the way she acts around him. This is just one small example and a terrible Xmas memory that I'll always have, hopefully my son won't. I think the worst part of these 'tantrums' is that she can almost always justify them, only to herself really but usually by blaming me or my son for "making her so upset" or worse, blaming some inanimate object for "not working how it should".
Fast forward to now(ish)... I've basically lived in my basement for the last 5 years, my office and bedroom are there, I stay down there to avoid my wife as much as possible but it feels like a prison cell now. I've retreated from life in general over the years too, I've always been a pretty anti-social introvert, I prefer quiet one on one conversations rather than group settings. Most of my 'friends' over the last 10-15 years revolved around my job (casinos take over your life people, for real) and my wife, I slowly lost any friends that had no connection to her. This was partially due to me retreating and the fact that my wife would insert herself into any friendship that was just mine to the point that I sort shut those people out to avoid them having to deal with her. Sadly, I don't have friends anymore (didn't have many to begin with but still), my son is essentially my only friend and because I work from home by myself I rarely talk to any other adults. My wife and I talk only when necessary... I cannot make eye contact with her anymore. This is probably needless to say but we haven't had sex in over 6 and a half years and I don't cheat, I don't have the confidence, so I've just accepted that I'm celibate now.
One other area of contention that I feel I should explain since I've mentioned it already, through the pandemic there was a serious power shift, financially speaking. She essentially lost her job and is now in a lower paying part time job (more realistic pay compared to her previous job), whereas I made a couple job changes that bumped me up well ahead of her. For comparison, the salaries essentially flipped, almost exactly... to where I make 2-3 times what she makes. This has become an area of contention because this was something she was able to lord over me for the majority of our relationship, she spent money freely while I paid the mortgage and barely ate for the first 5 years we lived in the house but now, for the first time in her life she has to pay attention to her finances and watch her spending... she does not like this so it's just another thing to constantly complain about and make passive aggressive comments about the things that 'dad' can afford to do/buy but doesn't (mainly because I'm paying the mortgage and all the bills now while finally paying down some debt).
Oh, I should probably also mention that it's a regular thing for her to insult me and put me down in front of our son and on flip side of that she also uses him to garner sympathy from me ("shouldn't daddy feel bad mommy has to go to work?") it's very frustrating because I just want to protect my kid but I guess she knows that.
Again, I'll apologize for how disjointed this all is... the more I type, the more I think about shit to type... like I mentioned, I could write a novel on this, mostly because I have no real outlet, just sit in my basement talking to myself about it all... or I guess stewing in it.
So, I guess I should try to finish off with what exactly the advice is that I'm seeking... I essentially hate my wife, the word I use often is 'despise' and over the years we've had brief conversations where I've told her that "I'm done and I'm just here for the kid" and unfortunately she took this as push to work on our marriage harder and 'fix' things, far too little, too late. She makes me feel like the worse person in the world and yet I just can't bring myself to say to her face that I want a divorce... I feel sorry for her, fuck so much so that I bought a house with her, married her, and had a fucking kid with her... I'm sure that's not the case, I must have loved her at one point but I just can't see it anymore. I don't know why I can't say it to her, why I can't just end this... I'm so worried about how she'll react, what she'll do to me, to my kid... how she'll try and turn him against me. I'm just paralyzed with the fear of what could/will happen if I tell her we're getting a divorce.
I've made plans over the last few years to move out, rent an apartment for me and my kid and just continue to pay her bills until we can sell the house and split the profit. I can't afford to do this, it would cause me to go back into debt but I do not care, it would be worth it to get away from her. I have set deadline after deadline... "I'll do it after Xmas" or "after her birthday" or "before my birthday" and these days come and go and I just can't do it... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, it's like I just don't want to hurt her, even though I'm hurting her by not ending things and she definitely doesn't give a shit about hurting me... I just don't want to face her and deal with it and how she will make the aftermath hell.. and I worry so much about my son, it would have been so much better for him if I would have divorced her years ago, he's fucking 10 now... another fear is having to explain it to him but we're setting a horrible example. One of my wife's favourite ways to use our son against me, is planting it in his head that "family is all that matters", focusing specifically on our little family, and how we have to "stick together no matter what, that's what family does". It's such an underhanded way to prep him for hating me because I'm "breaking up our family".
I would appreciate any advice on how the hell I can get over my paralyzing fear and just end this marriage or maybe you wanna come over and end it for me? I'm at a point where I'd take that... as I mentioned I've not shared most of this with anyone... so feedback would be a really new thing for me.
Oh, and please feel free to call me chicken shit, and tell me I just need to grow a pair and get this done... it's the same thing I've been saying to myself for years, not helpful but I understand the sentiment.
Shit... I'm sorry, this turned into a novel. Thank you.
2024.05.19 00:52 lumpytorta Do I have a medical malpractice case(s)? I am struggling here with multiple and I need advice.
F28 with Ovarian Cancer and I really need some advice here, please don’t downvote this. I am really struggling with medical negligence not just from one doctor, but multiple. I’ve been dealing with a lot of discrimination because I’m young and “healthy looking” and doctors constantly dismiss me or discriminate me for some reason and I’m tired of it. I’ve been sick and disabled since last November and I had a job but started my LOA then.
For two years I was seeing a rheumatologist for an underlying autoimmune disorder(s) and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Primary immunodeficiency, fibromyalgia, CIDP and still being investigated for more issues.
In November I decided to go on a LOA because my flares were starting to become more frequent and severe. My psychiatrist was the one who filled out the LOA paperwork for the time from Nov-Dec because I was hesitant to ask my Rheumatologist. I was told by my rheumatologists office that filling out LOA paperwork was $300 out of pocket and at the time I didn’t have that money so my psychiatrist signed it because I was also struggling with my mental health and family issues that time.
I was supposed to go back to work in January but at the start of the new year I got really sick and my flares started to ramp up again so I had to request a new LOA. My psychiatrist couldn’t help me with my LOA paperwork anymore because it was more health related now and told me to go see my rheumatologist. I was still hesitant because of the fee and then when I was about to see my rheumatologist again and get my bloodwork done I got a surprise bill from the lab where I get my bloodwork done for $400 after insurance. They wouldn’t let me get additional tests until I paid the fee and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist until I had my bloodwork done. I made an appointment with my rheumatologist anyways but the soonest I could get wasn’t until after the LOA deadline in March. I also couldn’t get any disability benefits until that LOA form was filled out by my doctor so I had no income to pay for any of this.
I ended up in the Emergency Room on 2/16/24 a little over a week before I needed to submit the forms for LOA and at this point my employer was threatening to fire me for failing to provide the LOA paperwork. I tried explaining the situation to one of my managers but he wasn’t having it and didn’t care.
When I went to the first emergency room I went in for multiple serious symptoms, the knew I had an underlying autoimmune disorder causing the flares and that I had surgery 3 years prior to remove ovarian cysts on my right ovary. I told the emergency room that I had a lot of abdominal pain across multiple areas, I was really weak, fatigued, dealing with vertigo, blood in stool, persistent bloating, frequent urination and my symptoms were to the point where I was losing my ability to walk. My partner was holding me the entire time so I wouldn’t fall.
The emergency room did a bunch of tests that included a basic blood panel, physical exam and a CT scan of my abdomen. They didn’t find the bleeding but instead found that I had a complex 14cm tumor on my right ovary which they deemed a dermoid cyst.
When they gave me the news they officially diagnosed me with a “dermoid cyst from birth” even though I countered their diagnosis and told them that was impossible because I had surgery 3 years prior. The doctor didn’t backtrack at all, just stuttered and continued to discharge me because it “wasn’t an emergency” just because I wasn’t bleeding out despite all of my serious progressing symptoms.
I angrily left the ER knowing it was utter BS and deep down I knew it was cancer because of how sick I was. I could literally feel I didn’t have much time but because I looked young and healthy and my basic blood panel didn’t throw up any huge red flags at them even they dismissed me and misdiagnosed me. I wasn’t even given anything to manage the pain.
I even told them I was already on a medical leave and that I’ve been really sick but that it was getting bad and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist. However I didn’t know about the tumor until then. I told them I needed help with the LOA paperwork too and had they admitted me I would have been able to get an extension and still have my job and benefits. I could have started treatment sooner and received disability pay but instead was forced to continue living with this pain. It was so large that I was at risk of torsion rupture and necrosis.
The next day I called up every gynecologist I could to see where I could go for the soonest appointment for an ultrasound. I found a doctor who took me as an emergency appointment a few days later and he confirmed it was most likely malignant and that I needed surgery ASAP. I talked to him about my LOA situation too because I was running out of time and I was too disabled to work. He also refused to help me sign my LOA paperwork because according to him “ovarian cancer can’t cause systemic symptoms and you’re going to need to wait until surgery before put you on leave”. I told him I had an underlying autoimmune disorder that I think is being exasperated by the cancer and I was just dismissed yet again despite needing someone to physically help me walk so I don’t fall. He also didn’t give me anything for the pain I was in.
I had to turn in my LOA that day but because of this I was forced to resign my position or face getting fired and becoming un-hirable so I had to quit. In quitting I lost everything, benefits, stocks, my job. I’m now in debt with multiple cc going to collections because I haven’t been getting an income since January and I’m just starting chemo so I have no idea when I’ll be able to work again. I don’t know what to do here. I was going to try to settle my debt but with what money??
After I lost my insurance I applied for medi-cal but something with my application in there system wasn’t right and it was in a never ending pending limbo state. I tried waiting it out for two weeks, calling them sorting it out and doing it right by the system but every day I was getting sicker and I felt I was running out of time.
Two weeks later I went to a different ER because at this point I could sleep and I couldn’t eat. I was miserable from the symptoms and never ending anxiety and mood swings of possibly having an autoimmune disorder like SLE and ovarian cancer.
The second ER finally admit me and confirmed it was cancer. I was admitted for emergency surgery and by this time the tumor had already ruptured, twisted my ovary and grew to 20cm at the largest point. This was also a battle but that’s besides the point.
Anyways now to my current situation. I started chemo about two weeks ago and my current oncologist is also being negligent.
I found out the other day that she blindly prescribed a medication for nausea that interacts with a medication that I was already on. The interaction is known to cause arrhythmias apparently. During my first week of chemo I was taking both meds and mentioned that my chest had been feeling heavy and I had pain. I was told it was steroids. It continued and then one night as I was falling asleep my heart started to pound really hard for about 10-15 seconds. I told my doctor about it and again steroids.
That same day I went to pick up a prescription and just happened to ask if anything interacted and that’s when I found out that it was a major interaction and I literally could have died had I not luckily been titrating off of the offending medicine. I stopped taking those meds and immediately the chest pain stopped and I haven’t had an episode like that since.
I am freaked out and don’t want to continue my care with her due to her negligence. This should have been a conversation at minimum and she didn’t even tell me she prescribed it. I just got a notification from my pharmacy that it was ready. I also didn’t know about the interaction when it was picked up because my mom picked it up for me and she doesn’t speak English very well.
I talked to my care teams assistant and told her I wanted a change of doctors because I didn’t trust her after this and she said she was going to put in the request. They called me yesterday though and said they weren’t going to switch me because I had already started treatment and refused to switch my doctors despite everything that’s happened. I am livid and don’t want to continue with them.
I already set up an appointment for a second opinion but that’s not for another two weeks before the appointment and I don’t want to interruption treatment.
I have a rare type of ovarian cancer with a high grade tumor. It was a germ cell tumor called immature teratoma. They said it is stage 1 but because I had emergency surgery and everything was rushed I don’t feel this is an accurate diagnosis because I have pain in all of the surrounding areas where the tumor was pushing up against. The tumor was exasperating all of my autoimmune symptoms and causing me to be in a never ending flare so my body was heavily damaged. Im becoming disabled at 28 and I don’t know who to hold accountable here. I have so much anxiety with doctors now because I’m traumatized from my experience with them dismissing me and discriminating against me. Like I’m young so I “must be able to tolerate more”.
I’m in a dark place right now and really need some advice here. What should I do? What CAN I DO? Who do I hold accountable? What do I need to have a solid malpractice case??
I feel like the first emergency room should at least be held liable for making me lose my job, misdiagnosing me, failing to treat me or provide relief and then sending me a $1600 medical bill. Someone help me with this please I am struggling and still haven’t gotten approved for disability benefits yet so I’ve had no income since January. Thanks.
submitted by lumpytorta to legaladvice [link] [comments]
For two years I was seeing a rheumatologist for an underlying autoimmune disorder(s) and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Primary immunodeficiency, fibromyalgia, CIDP and still being investigated for more issues.
In November I decided to go on a LOA because my flares were starting to become more frequent and severe. My psychiatrist was the one who filled out the LOA paperwork for the time from Nov-Dec because I was hesitant to ask my Rheumatologist. I was told by my rheumatologists office that filling out LOA paperwork was $300 out of pocket and at the time I didn’t have that money so my psychiatrist signed it because I was also struggling with my mental health and family issues that time.
I was supposed to go back to work in January but at the start of the new year I got really sick and my flares started to ramp up again so I had to request a new LOA. My psychiatrist couldn’t help me with my LOA paperwork anymore because it was more health related now and told me to go see my rheumatologist. I was still hesitant because of the fee and then when I was about to see my rheumatologist again and get my bloodwork done I got a surprise bill from the lab where I get my bloodwork done for $400 after insurance. They wouldn’t let me get additional tests until I paid the fee and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist until I had my bloodwork done. I made an appointment with my rheumatologist anyways but the soonest I could get wasn’t until after the LOA deadline in March. I also couldn’t get any disability benefits until that LOA form was filled out by my doctor so I had no income to pay for any of this.
I ended up in the Emergency Room on 2/16/24 a little over a week before I needed to submit the forms for LOA and at this point my employer was threatening to fire me for failing to provide the LOA paperwork. I tried explaining the situation to one of my managers but he wasn’t having it and didn’t care.
When I went to the first emergency room I went in for multiple serious symptoms, the knew I had an underlying autoimmune disorder causing the flares and that I had surgery 3 years prior to remove ovarian cysts on my right ovary. I told the emergency room that I had a lot of abdominal pain across multiple areas, I was really weak, fatigued, dealing with vertigo, blood in stool, persistent bloating, frequent urination and my symptoms were to the point where I was losing my ability to walk. My partner was holding me the entire time so I wouldn’t fall.
The emergency room did a bunch of tests that included a basic blood panel, physical exam and a CT scan of my abdomen. They didn’t find the bleeding but instead found that I had a complex 14cm tumor on my right ovary which they deemed a dermoid cyst.
When they gave me the news they officially diagnosed me with a “dermoid cyst from birth” even though I countered their diagnosis and told them that was impossible because I had surgery 3 years prior. The doctor didn’t backtrack at all, just stuttered and continued to discharge me because it “wasn’t an emergency” just because I wasn’t bleeding out despite all of my serious progressing symptoms.
I angrily left the ER knowing it was utter BS and deep down I knew it was cancer because of how sick I was. I could literally feel I didn’t have much time but because I looked young and healthy and my basic blood panel didn’t throw up any huge red flags at them even they dismissed me and misdiagnosed me. I wasn’t even given anything to manage the pain.
I even told them I was already on a medical leave and that I’ve been really sick but that it was getting bad and I couldn’t see my rheumatologist. However I didn’t know about the tumor until then. I told them I needed help with the LOA paperwork too and had they admitted me I would have been able to get an extension and still have my job and benefits. I could have started treatment sooner and received disability pay but instead was forced to continue living with this pain. It was so large that I was at risk of torsion rupture and necrosis.
The next day I called up every gynecologist I could to see where I could go for the soonest appointment for an ultrasound. I found a doctor who took me as an emergency appointment a few days later and he confirmed it was most likely malignant and that I needed surgery ASAP. I talked to him about my LOA situation too because I was running out of time and I was too disabled to work. He also refused to help me sign my LOA paperwork because according to him “ovarian cancer can’t cause systemic symptoms and you’re going to need to wait until surgery before put you on leave”. I told him I had an underlying autoimmune disorder that I think is being exasperated by the cancer and I was just dismissed yet again despite needing someone to physically help me walk so I don’t fall. He also didn’t give me anything for the pain I was in.
I had to turn in my LOA that day but because of this I was forced to resign my position or face getting fired and becoming un-hirable so I had to quit. In quitting I lost everything, benefits, stocks, my job. I’m now in debt with multiple cc going to collections because I haven’t been getting an income since January and I’m just starting chemo so I have no idea when I’ll be able to work again. I don’t know what to do here. I was going to try to settle my debt but with what money??
After I lost my insurance I applied for medi-cal but something with my application in there system wasn’t right and it was in a never ending pending limbo state. I tried waiting it out for two weeks, calling them sorting it out and doing it right by the system but every day I was getting sicker and I felt I was running out of time.
Two weeks later I went to a different ER because at this point I could sleep and I couldn’t eat. I was miserable from the symptoms and never ending anxiety and mood swings of possibly having an autoimmune disorder like SLE and ovarian cancer.
The second ER finally admit me and confirmed it was cancer. I was admitted for emergency surgery and by this time the tumor had already ruptured, twisted my ovary and grew to 20cm at the largest point. This was also a battle but that’s besides the point.
Anyways now to my current situation. I started chemo about two weeks ago and my current oncologist is also being negligent.
I found out the other day that she blindly prescribed a medication for nausea that interacts with a medication that I was already on. The interaction is known to cause arrhythmias apparently. During my first week of chemo I was taking both meds and mentioned that my chest had been feeling heavy and I had pain. I was told it was steroids. It continued and then one night as I was falling asleep my heart started to pound really hard for about 10-15 seconds. I told my doctor about it and again steroids.
That same day I went to pick up a prescription and just happened to ask if anything interacted and that’s when I found out that it was a major interaction and I literally could have died had I not luckily been titrating off of the offending medicine. I stopped taking those meds and immediately the chest pain stopped and I haven’t had an episode like that since.
I am freaked out and don’t want to continue my care with her due to her negligence. This should have been a conversation at minimum and she didn’t even tell me she prescribed it. I just got a notification from my pharmacy that it was ready. I also didn’t know about the interaction when it was picked up because my mom picked it up for me and she doesn’t speak English very well.
I talked to my care teams assistant and told her I wanted a change of doctors because I didn’t trust her after this and she said she was going to put in the request. They called me yesterday though and said they weren’t going to switch me because I had already started treatment and refused to switch my doctors despite everything that’s happened. I am livid and don’t want to continue with them.
I already set up an appointment for a second opinion but that’s not for another two weeks before the appointment and I don’t want to interruption treatment.
I have a rare type of ovarian cancer with a high grade tumor. It was a germ cell tumor called immature teratoma. They said it is stage 1 but because I had emergency surgery and everything was rushed I don’t feel this is an accurate diagnosis because I have pain in all of the surrounding areas where the tumor was pushing up against. The tumor was exasperating all of my autoimmune symptoms and causing me to be in a never ending flare so my body was heavily damaged. Im becoming disabled at 28 and I don’t know who to hold accountable here. I have so much anxiety with doctors now because I’m traumatized from my experience with them dismissing me and discriminating against me. Like I’m young so I “must be able to tolerate more”.
I’m in a dark place right now and really need some advice here. What should I do? What CAN I DO? Who do I hold accountable? What do I need to have a solid malpractice case??
I feel like the first emergency room should at least be held liable for making me lose my job, misdiagnosing me, failing to treat me or provide relief and then sending me a $1600 medical bill. Someone help me with this please I am struggling and still haven’t gotten approved for disability benefits yet so I’ve had no income since January. Thanks.
2024.05.19 00:37 Jaxdtk1 Anyone else experience a shed 1 year in?
Hey guys, I’m (22M) experiencing a pretty bad shed right now roughly 1 year on 1mg Fin and 18 months 1.25mg OM. I never really had a shed starting either of these drugs and I’m freaking out right now. Every time I run my hands through my hair several hairs falls out and my scalp is now visible at several angles. I was very happy with my progress and noticed and increase in density and a decrease in shedding up until about a month ago. It’s like the shedding kickstarted like crazy and I’m not below baseline.
I live in Arizona, where it’s 100+ degrees already. I’m trying to pinpoint what exactly is causing this. Is it a seasonal shed? Synchronized shed? I can’t stop worrying and don’t know when this is all going to stop. I know to stay course on the meds but I’m so fucking stressed rn. Diffuse thinning fucking blows :/
submitted by Jaxdtk1 to tressless [link] [comments]
I live in Arizona, where it’s 100+ degrees already. I’m trying to pinpoint what exactly is causing this. Is it a seasonal shed? Synchronized shed? I can’t stop worrying and don’t know when this is all going to stop. I know to stay course on the meds but I’m so fucking stressed rn. Diffuse thinning fucking blows :/
2024.05.19 00:37 RecommendationNo6721 What the fuck
~What the fuck ?~
I will never understand the compulsion to belittle or intentionally misrepresent anyone for any reason- I am a very loving and understanding person and I extend that to those around me in every way I know how to. I have overcome some seriously messed up shit and I still try and shine my light to the world and to those around me and It's really disheartening to see it interpreted otherwise especially when it comes to those, I love the most.
Those people that I have tried time and time again to heal these relationships but at one point am I allowed to release responsibility to trying to tend to and mend relationships on my own? My person continually being vilified for expressing myself and my beliefs while continually being delt unwarranted disrespect.
So many times, in my life I have found myself standing up for myself only to be further attacked in a situation that didn’t call for extreme animosity. It’s weird to think that someone would interpret you defending yourself in a conversation as an excuse to deal personal attacks to someone just because we don’t agree with them.
I think it’s a disservice to not only myself but to those around them to allow them to see me allow myself to be treated in a manner that isn’t appropriate to my standard, and my standard alone. I think it’s quite liberating to free myself from the bondage of what other people think I should be or how I should act based on their jaded beliefs of what constitutes the appropriate way of existing.
I think allowing yourself the grave to not buckle under neath the ideology of other people can set the tone for the way other people treat you. If you continually allow people to run over you or treat you lesser than, belittle you, or even talk down on you, then you allow for yourself to receive poor treatment from people and their bullshit, especially when you don’t deserve it. People will always try and put words in my mouth trying to make me sound entitled, bratty, or hateful, but never actually put any logic or intelligence behind their argument against me. I’m never extended the same grace that I have continually given over and over again to those around me. I have never been met with the same empathy or sympathy given to others around me and any time I’ve called attention to that, I’ve been met with aggression or combativeness. No one has ever really acknowledged in a way that might say “Okay, I hear you, that wasn’t my intention” or even an apology for that matter.
I Find it kind of gross that I have been in so many treatment programs doing the work to combat my drug addiction and mental illness for countless years. Numerous therapists and therapy sessions that I have sat in completely unfolding and unpacking emotions and traumatic events that have taken place over the course of my life and it bewilders me to think that people that don’t even attempt to do that work are the first to throw out labels (Schizophrenic, Junkie etc...) But the moment you throw out “Hey I feel like you aren’t exactly treating me fairly” It turns into a complete rage fest. People are so enamored by these self-righteous personas they create in their heads that the moment any of that is disrupted, It’s like a volcano erupting. You’re instantly transported into a warzone of someone else’s design, trying to maintain a sense of integrity, reality, and sense of self in a place where none of that exists in a sensical way.
Character Assassination: You were on drugs!
You’re 30 (Just turned 29
People will use any method to diminish your character, minimize the things you’ve been through especially if it means justifying their poor or embarrassing treatment to you. When someone see’s that you have ripped away the mask they hide behind, they immediately try and dismantle you in the eyes of others. Anything they can say to rip away your credibility, they do it before they’ll pause, reevaluate the situation and consider and apology. Before they’ve even given themselves a moment to adequately process one thing that you’ve say, you’ve already been made the bad guy in the story, you’ve already been nominated as that person to take the blame. But never being given the grace that it takes to truly love someone outside of a superficial front. Never acknowledging the things that one has survived or overcame.
It’s a lot of secondary emotions that people feel in regards to reflecting on things that someone else has experienced from themselves & some people latch onto that and make it their entire personality being the family member of a person addicted to drugs, or being the family member of a person who we’re forgiving etc., and it becomes our entire personality “ watch how much tough love I can give you, even though it’s exhausting me & hurting our relationship, look at how easily I am capable of derailing your life over and over again. Look at how fragile your existence is that I can with the snap of my finger or the stop of my feet break everything.
This is especially damaging when it’s done at the hands of someone you care for. Looking into their cold eyes and no longer seeing the love they have for you, but instead the distain for the love that they have for you. It becomes completely about the debt you owe to them for loving you, even when they didn’t want to (even though they never actually showed you that in the first place). I think it’s incredibly selfish to always create a circus around family issues instead of having a decent conversation about amongst each other. This displays an exuberant lack of communication skills as a unit & no one is perfect, but the lack of concern toward things of that matter are the reasons families disconnect from one another.
STANDING UP FOR YOUSELF/ STANDING YOUR GROUND IS NOT DISREPECTFUL/ RESPECT YOUR SPACE
For whatever reason, people invite you into their homes to mistreat and abuse you and then think that you have to tolerate their mistreatment because of the things they do or have done for you in the past, yes ESPECIALLY parents. Our parents CHOSE to have children, children don’t choose to be brought into the world, so for a parent to use providing for s someone as a young person with no say in the matter is low hanging fruit and it doesn’t show any actual concern for the issue or the people that the issue effects in the long run.
I find it jarring to have people pick and choose when to accept mental health as an explanation for certain situations and not for others. Like whenever it’s adding to the way that they’ve misrepresented you to others, then its fine, but anything else, like when it’s actually affecting your life, they lose all concern for you and your mental health. It’s really weird and doesn’t foster good relationships. I think all of this boils down to again “I hate that I love you” mentality. People care for you out of the obligation to look good to society, not because they love you through thick and thin or will always have your back. It’s whatever looks best the outside world, not really the structure of the house.
submitted by RecommendationNo6721 to u/RecommendationNo6721 [link] [comments]
I will never understand the compulsion to belittle or intentionally misrepresent anyone for any reason- I am a very loving and understanding person and I extend that to those around me in every way I know how to. I have overcome some seriously messed up shit and I still try and shine my light to the world and to those around me and It's really disheartening to see it interpreted otherwise especially when it comes to those, I love the most.
Those people that I have tried time and time again to heal these relationships but at one point am I allowed to release responsibility to trying to tend to and mend relationships on my own? My person continually being vilified for expressing myself and my beliefs while continually being delt unwarranted disrespect.
So many times, in my life I have found myself standing up for myself only to be further attacked in a situation that didn’t call for extreme animosity. It’s weird to think that someone would interpret you defending yourself in a conversation as an excuse to deal personal attacks to someone just because we don’t agree with them.
I think it’s a disservice to not only myself but to those around them to allow them to see me allow myself to be treated in a manner that isn’t appropriate to my standard, and my standard alone. I think it’s quite liberating to free myself from the bondage of what other people think I should be or how I should act based on their jaded beliefs of what constitutes the appropriate way of existing.
I think allowing yourself the grave to not buckle under neath the ideology of other people can set the tone for the way other people treat you. If you continually allow people to run over you or treat you lesser than, belittle you, or even talk down on you, then you allow for yourself to receive poor treatment from people and their bullshit, especially when you don’t deserve it. People will always try and put words in my mouth trying to make me sound entitled, bratty, or hateful, but never actually put any logic or intelligence behind their argument against me. I’m never extended the same grace that I have continually given over and over again to those around me. I have never been met with the same empathy or sympathy given to others around me and any time I’ve called attention to that, I’ve been met with aggression or combativeness. No one has ever really acknowledged in a way that might say “Okay, I hear you, that wasn’t my intention” or even an apology for that matter.
I Find it kind of gross that I have been in so many treatment programs doing the work to combat my drug addiction and mental illness for countless years. Numerous therapists and therapy sessions that I have sat in completely unfolding and unpacking emotions and traumatic events that have taken place over the course of my life and it bewilders me to think that people that don’t even attempt to do that work are the first to throw out labels (Schizophrenic, Junkie etc...) But the moment you throw out “Hey I feel like you aren’t exactly treating me fairly” It turns into a complete rage fest. People are so enamored by these self-righteous personas they create in their heads that the moment any of that is disrupted, It’s like a volcano erupting. You’re instantly transported into a warzone of someone else’s design, trying to maintain a sense of integrity, reality, and sense of self in a place where none of that exists in a sensical way.
Character Assassination: You were on drugs!
You’re 30 (Just turned 29
People will use any method to diminish your character, minimize the things you’ve been through especially if it means justifying their poor or embarrassing treatment to you. When someone see’s that you have ripped away the mask they hide behind, they immediately try and dismantle you in the eyes of others. Anything they can say to rip away your credibility, they do it before they’ll pause, reevaluate the situation and consider and apology. Before they’ve even given themselves a moment to adequately process one thing that you’ve say, you’ve already been made the bad guy in the story, you’ve already been nominated as that person to take the blame. But never being given the grace that it takes to truly love someone outside of a superficial front. Never acknowledging the things that one has survived or overcame.
It’s a lot of secondary emotions that people feel in regards to reflecting on things that someone else has experienced from themselves & some people latch onto that and make it their entire personality being the family member of a person addicted to drugs, or being the family member of a person who we’re forgiving etc., and it becomes our entire personality “ watch how much tough love I can give you, even though it’s exhausting me & hurting our relationship, look at how easily I am capable of derailing your life over and over again. Look at how fragile your existence is that I can with the snap of my finger or the stop of my feet break everything.
This is especially damaging when it’s done at the hands of someone you care for. Looking into their cold eyes and no longer seeing the love they have for you, but instead the distain for the love that they have for you. It becomes completely about the debt you owe to them for loving you, even when they didn’t want to (even though they never actually showed you that in the first place). I think it’s incredibly selfish to always create a circus around family issues instead of having a decent conversation about amongst each other. This displays an exuberant lack of communication skills as a unit & no one is perfect, but the lack of concern toward things of that matter are the reasons families disconnect from one another.
STANDING UP FOR YOUSELF/ STANDING YOUR GROUND IS NOT DISREPECTFUL/ RESPECT YOUR SPACE
For whatever reason, people invite you into their homes to mistreat and abuse you and then think that you have to tolerate their mistreatment because of the things they do or have done for you in the past, yes ESPECIALLY parents. Our parents CHOSE to have children, children don’t choose to be brought into the world, so for a parent to use providing for s someone as a young person with no say in the matter is low hanging fruit and it doesn’t show any actual concern for the issue or the people that the issue effects in the long run.
I find it jarring to have people pick and choose when to accept mental health as an explanation for certain situations and not for others. Like whenever it’s adding to the way that they’ve misrepresented you to others, then its fine, but anything else, like when it’s actually affecting your life, they lose all concern for you and your mental health. It’s really weird and doesn’t foster good relationships. I think all of this boils down to again “I hate that I love you” mentality. People care for you out of the obligation to look good to society, not because they love you through thick and thin or will always have your back. It’s whatever looks best the outside world, not really the structure of the house.
2024.05.19 00:20 Elithegentlegiant Is mining bad in Arizona?
Hi everyone, I know mining is very popular in AZ. What can realistically be done to make it better and safer for mining workers/communities/environment?
Any help is greatly appreciated before things kickoff.
submitted by Elithegentlegiant to arizona [link] [comments]
Any help is greatly appreciated before things kickoff.
2024.05.19 00:15 Medium-Wing-4710 The harrowing experience of a cancer-surviving partner turned abuser
Over the course of my 4 year marriage to my partner, I have arrived at the position that I was abused, manipulated, and functionally enslaved to a mentally ill partner.
In simplest form, the progression is apparently observable. She was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2019 while we were engaged. Due to the diagnosis, we moved up our actual marriage date (our wedding was still set for mid-April) to December 1, 2019. Her surgery was December 13, 2019. In my compassion for her, I agreed to move our wedding date up to offset her anxiety around who would be responsible for her if things went south with her surgical treatment.
Our first month of marriage was straightforward; she was on pain meds recovering from surgery, so the main engagement that occurred was me walking her up and down the hospital hallway as she recovered and trying to meet her base physical needs of hygiene, food, and presence. We stayed in the hospital for 2-3 weeks (with recurring hospital visits for complications).
Quickly after we figured out our marital living situation in her small 3-bed apartment with 2 roommates, our relationship devolved. Specifically, she was irritable because of the pain she was in, causing her to lash out at me with regular frequency for small things. If I didn’t put clothes away in the right place, didn’t anticipate her needs (without her communicating them), or ate the wrong food in front of her she would shout at me and decry me for my thoughtlessness.
These small, critical engagements were wounding and created a distance between us – and there was no upside. She was never kind, never paid mind to needs I might have, and started down a path of cultivating a root of bitterness in her soul. She quickly revealed herself to be venomous, hateful, and vindictive when she felt like she was wronged — and any observation of concern about our marriage resulted me in being accused of being mean or insensitive, even if I spent hours or days calculating the best way to share my concern (and I have a master’s degree in communication where I focused in studying disagreement — I know how to carefully package concerns).
During this time, I worked hard to provide for us, foreseeing a significant time period where I would have to be primary financial provider and caregiver. I increased my income each year we were married by around 25%, finishing our marriage at >$80,000 in yearly income, compared to starting our marriage at a modest $42,000 salary (including dramatically improving our healthcare). Frankly, I increased my income to provide for us in spite of the lack of support at home.
But to be clear: I don’t think it would have been particularly difficult to provide financially if I had an ounce of support at home.
However, the relentless criticism and expectation of mind-reading continued through the years. I rationalized this abuse for the first year of our marriage because of all the excuses to be cruel, she had a good one – she had cancer. I hung onto a hope that it would stop. Contrary to my hope, as the years went on – and our expenses climbed – and I continued to work myself to the bone – she continued to relentlessly critique and even started being more emotionally demanding, expecting me to take responsibility for her inability to cope with her emotions – I was drowning. She was asking too much of me. There was no deliverance from her abuse.
I was exhausted. In the peak of the abuse I endured at her hand, I was working multiple jobs, sleeping 10+ hours a night and napping frequently during the day around meetings and work, then coping with alcohol to numb myself to the abusive dynamic and fall asleep with no support from her. The only time I could approach her sexually was when I was intoxicated, with inhibitions lowered. The only time I could have a conversation with her was with a counselor in the room. Without something to mitigate opportunity for her to be cruel to me, either a mediator or self-medication, I was scared.
I lived at home in a constant state of alert and cognitive fatigue. No matter how I tried to make sense of my home life, I couldn’t. When she looked at or touched me, I would recoil in fear, anticipating some sort of incisive critique or demand expressed. Then she would criticize me for not responding warmly to her, exacerbating the cycle.
I couldn’t meet her needs – I was utterly exhausted. When I would tell her of the exhaustion I experienced in marital counseling, her responses were typically something along the lines of not believing me, denying what I was saying was true, or calling my exhaustion an ‘excuse’. I could interact happily with my friends… why not her?
I did not deny her demands were legitimate; rather, I expressed my inability to meet them because of how fatigued I was. I said ‘I can’t’ so many times. I realize her demands were small; affection, saying ‘i love you’, complimenting her. But it’s disorienting to be consistently berated and belittled by a person and then asked to compliment them and tell them you love them.
The push and pull of abuse is exhausting to a person who is not mentally because it does not make sense.
Further, in counseling I realized that I have forgotten that I have needs. I have lost the tools to even evaluate what my needs might be because, implicitly and explicitly in my marriage, I was told my needs don’t matter.
My marriage made no sense; I was obviously drowning, exhausted with the demands our life imposed on me. I was doing everything I could to get straight. I was in individual therapy, marital counseling, pastoral counseling, trying different antidepressants (4 in total – all with no effect), changing eating habits, trying to reduce my drinking, getting medical tests to see if I had health issues causing my fatigue, and being vulnerable in my friendships in an attempt to invite others in to process and move forward and figure out my marriage. I desperately shared everything I could about my marriage, hoping someone else would crack the code where I couldn’t.
None of my efforts worked. I could not get out of the exhausted state I was in. It’s worth noting here that within weeks of separating I almost completely cut out alcohol, got into a regular sleep schedule, was waking up at 6-7am every day and reading multiple hours (which I couldn’t do in marriage due to cognitive fatigue/distraction), and experienced a resurgence of energy. I have felt the duress I was under lift and lift and lift and the weeks and months have went on.
In retrospect, I was experiencing cognitive fatigue because I was taking the demands my wife was placing on me seriously, but no matter what I did I could not make sense of them. How could she not see that I was doing everything I could to make ends meet – the ends which she was imposing on me? I did not have additional energy left. She would ask me ‘Do you love me?’ and I didn’t know how to respond. How is my work not at least some symbol of love? My dream was to be a poor professor, which she knew – instead I was grinding myself to the bone, working in digital marketing with multiple freelance projects, picking up a bartending gig and a teaching gig on top of full-time employment.
The last straw was when she accused me of abuse. I took that accusation seriously, and weighed it against my experience. ‘Am I an abuser?’ I asked myself. I sorted through my behavior and how I treated her. I came to the conclusion that I may be a poor husband in serious ways; but I am not an abuser. And the abuse question opened the door to the question… ‘I may not be an abuser… but is there abuse in our marriage?’ And the answer quickly became ‘Yes.’
When we were married, I understood that she wasn’t going to work much for a while. However, she worked the bare minimum she could for 4 years, earning at most in a single year $18,000. As the years went on and my income climbed, our debt continued to climb as well. She was still contributing the same, yet spending frivolously on useless knick knacks for our home and a cat. As I packed up our home to sell, the majority of items were dozens of boxes of useless junk she’d accumulated.
She lived a life of mania around finances. We would go to marital counseling and she would regularly express, ‘I would rather be poor and happy than rich and sad’. We were poor and sad. Sure, my income was the highest it’d ever been – but we were still drowning, with debts climbing. At the end of our marriage, we’d accumulated about $20,000 in consumer debt between credit cards and personal loans.
It was traumatizing (and abusive) to go to counseling and be told by my partner she would ‘rather be poor and happy and than rich and sad’ when the factual scenario we were living was neither. She actively denied reality – both my lived experience and the reality of our finances – at my expense. It was killing me, trying to make sense of what we were going through but being unable to make sense of what I was being told and what I was experiencing.
Throughout this time, it is worth adding that she also leveraged my spiritual leadership to ‘set me straight’. I was in a conservative Evangelical space, believing that men are the ultimate provider in a family unit and primarily responsible for the status of the marriage. Because I was not doing what she wanted me to (lavishing her with affection), I was muscled into multiple groups and meetings where pastoral care intervened to restore our marriage. In the moment, I submitted to my pastoral care because of my trust for them and my faith in God. Now, I believe this dynamic was abusive; my pastoral care did not care in any sense for my soul; they only cared about fixing my marriage. No questions around ‘why’ my marriage was so bad were asked; only what was going on and how it could be fixed. I relish the thought of my pastoral care being held accountable for the abuse they exercised upon me during this time on judgment day, albeit through a shaken faith in a God that would enable this dynamic.
With my spiritual community, I shared that I felt like she was my tormentor; that she it felt as if I were on the ground due to exhaustion, and she was standing on my throat, telling me to ‘get up’ and ‘tell me you love me’; that our metaphorical life was a boat, sinking, and I was desperately bailing out water. All the while, she stood at the other end of the boat, desperately bailing water in and looking at me like I was a maniac.
And yet, because there was no adultery, there was no category for divorce. We had sworn an oath before God and were required to fix this.
As I reflect upon my marriage (and the ongoing divorce proceedings), a few things are clear.
She is an abuser. I don’t think she intends to be, but impact matters. She is mentally ill and unable to reckon with basic reality.
She is a manipulator. She manipulated my spiritual community against me. I was viewed as someone to be corrected while begging for help from my trusted friends and pastoral care, whom I now regret being vulnerable with due to their abuse and denial of my reality because I didn’t fit neatly into their thin theological categories.
She is an enslaver. In divorce proceedings, she is doing everything she can to get every dollar from me, leveraging student loans I did not co-sign, my continually increasing income due to my hard work, and denying every claim of dissipated assets she can.
It is truly a mind-breaking experience to see your compassion leveraged against you for money. I had to sit under an attorney proclaiming to a judge that, since I consented to move up our marriage date before her cancer surgery, ‘I knew what I was getting into’. That she is entitled to large sums of money (that do not exist; we never had more than $3000 in our bank account during marriage) due to that decision.
Even apart from the abuse, I did not know what I was getting into. Including the abuse, I am full of remorse for having invited such an evil, hateful person into my life.
This experience has been the most challenging to my faith. As I endured abuse from her, I trusted God in a few ways. That the compassion I showed would maybe be rewarded – or, at least not punished. That my spiritual community wanted what was best for me. That God was not a punitive, hateful God (like my partner). I do not believe this trust was well placed, but am open to shortcomings in my views here.
I struggle to consent to a God that allowed my experience to occur. I’m open and processing in some kind of faith, but I really don’t know what it looks like to find a place to put this pain and betrayal that I’m experiencing.
I am a survivor of abuse, and the abuse I endured was mind-shattering. I sacrificed everything to support a partner diagnosed with serious bodily illness, which drove her to hate me and deny my lived experience because she could not reconcile it with the hatefulness she cultivated over our marriage, choosing bitterness over any positivity for four years, poisoning my well-being in the process.
What I envisioned to be the most compassionate moment of my life — marrying a person with cancer and promising to support and love them — has become nothing but a symbol of pain and remorse. I envisioned a life where my partner and I would fight against the terror of cancer; instead she hopped to the other side, choosing her ongoing health issues as the ally and myself as the enemy.
It took me 4 years to realize it. And as she drags me through court to leverage every dollar out of me I can, my only regret is that I didn’t leave my abuser to her own devices sooner; self-pity, hatefulness, and a sheer disregard toward taking responsibility for anything.
I am grateful but drowning. As we are negotiating settlement, the end is near, and my abuser will soon be unable to execute any influence in my life.
submitted by Medium-Wing-4710 to abusesurvivors [link] [comments]
In simplest form, the progression is apparently observable. She was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2019 while we were engaged. Due to the diagnosis, we moved up our actual marriage date (our wedding was still set for mid-April) to December 1, 2019. Her surgery was December 13, 2019. In my compassion for her, I agreed to move our wedding date up to offset her anxiety around who would be responsible for her if things went south with her surgical treatment.
Our first month of marriage was straightforward; she was on pain meds recovering from surgery, so the main engagement that occurred was me walking her up and down the hospital hallway as she recovered and trying to meet her base physical needs of hygiene, food, and presence. We stayed in the hospital for 2-3 weeks (with recurring hospital visits for complications).
Quickly after we figured out our marital living situation in her small 3-bed apartment with 2 roommates, our relationship devolved. Specifically, she was irritable because of the pain she was in, causing her to lash out at me with regular frequency for small things. If I didn’t put clothes away in the right place, didn’t anticipate her needs (without her communicating them), or ate the wrong food in front of her she would shout at me and decry me for my thoughtlessness.
These small, critical engagements were wounding and created a distance between us – and there was no upside. She was never kind, never paid mind to needs I might have, and started down a path of cultivating a root of bitterness in her soul. She quickly revealed herself to be venomous, hateful, and vindictive when she felt like she was wronged — and any observation of concern about our marriage resulted me in being accused of being mean or insensitive, even if I spent hours or days calculating the best way to share my concern (and I have a master’s degree in communication where I focused in studying disagreement — I know how to carefully package concerns).
During this time, I worked hard to provide for us, foreseeing a significant time period where I would have to be primary financial provider and caregiver. I increased my income each year we were married by around 25%, finishing our marriage at >$80,000 in yearly income, compared to starting our marriage at a modest $42,000 salary (including dramatically improving our healthcare). Frankly, I increased my income to provide for us in spite of the lack of support at home.
But to be clear: I don’t think it would have been particularly difficult to provide financially if I had an ounce of support at home.
However, the relentless criticism and expectation of mind-reading continued through the years. I rationalized this abuse for the first year of our marriage because of all the excuses to be cruel, she had a good one – she had cancer. I hung onto a hope that it would stop. Contrary to my hope, as the years went on – and our expenses climbed – and I continued to work myself to the bone – she continued to relentlessly critique and even started being more emotionally demanding, expecting me to take responsibility for her inability to cope with her emotions – I was drowning. She was asking too much of me. There was no deliverance from her abuse.
I was exhausted. In the peak of the abuse I endured at her hand, I was working multiple jobs, sleeping 10+ hours a night and napping frequently during the day around meetings and work, then coping with alcohol to numb myself to the abusive dynamic and fall asleep with no support from her. The only time I could approach her sexually was when I was intoxicated, with inhibitions lowered. The only time I could have a conversation with her was with a counselor in the room. Without something to mitigate opportunity for her to be cruel to me, either a mediator or self-medication, I was scared.
I lived at home in a constant state of alert and cognitive fatigue. No matter how I tried to make sense of my home life, I couldn’t. When she looked at or touched me, I would recoil in fear, anticipating some sort of incisive critique or demand expressed. Then she would criticize me for not responding warmly to her, exacerbating the cycle.
I couldn’t meet her needs – I was utterly exhausted. When I would tell her of the exhaustion I experienced in marital counseling, her responses were typically something along the lines of not believing me, denying what I was saying was true, or calling my exhaustion an ‘excuse’. I could interact happily with my friends… why not her?
I did not deny her demands were legitimate; rather, I expressed my inability to meet them because of how fatigued I was. I said ‘I can’t’ so many times. I realize her demands were small; affection, saying ‘i love you’, complimenting her. But it’s disorienting to be consistently berated and belittled by a person and then asked to compliment them and tell them you love them.
The push and pull of abuse is exhausting to a person who is not mentally because it does not make sense.
Further, in counseling I realized that I have forgotten that I have needs. I have lost the tools to even evaluate what my needs might be because, implicitly and explicitly in my marriage, I was told my needs don’t matter.
My marriage made no sense; I was obviously drowning, exhausted with the demands our life imposed on me. I was doing everything I could to get straight. I was in individual therapy, marital counseling, pastoral counseling, trying different antidepressants (4 in total – all with no effect), changing eating habits, trying to reduce my drinking, getting medical tests to see if I had health issues causing my fatigue, and being vulnerable in my friendships in an attempt to invite others in to process and move forward and figure out my marriage. I desperately shared everything I could about my marriage, hoping someone else would crack the code where I couldn’t.
None of my efforts worked. I could not get out of the exhausted state I was in. It’s worth noting here that within weeks of separating I almost completely cut out alcohol, got into a regular sleep schedule, was waking up at 6-7am every day and reading multiple hours (which I couldn’t do in marriage due to cognitive fatigue/distraction), and experienced a resurgence of energy. I have felt the duress I was under lift and lift and lift and the weeks and months have went on.
In retrospect, I was experiencing cognitive fatigue because I was taking the demands my wife was placing on me seriously, but no matter what I did I could not make sense of them. How could she not see that I was doing everything I could to make ends meet – the ends which she was imposing on me? I did not have additional energy left. She would ask me ‘Do you love me?’ and I didn’t know how to respond. How is my work not at least some symbol of love? My dream was to be a poor professor, which she knew – instead I was grinding myself to the bone, working in digital marketing with multiple freelance projects, picking up a bartending gig and a teaching gig on top of full-time employment.
The last straw was when she accused me of abuse. I took that accusation seriously, and weighed it against my experience. ‘Am I an abuser?’ I asked myself. I sorted through my behavior and how I treated her. I came to the conclusion that I may be a poor husband in serious ways; but I am not an abuser. And the abuse question opened the door to the question… ‘I may not be an abuser… but is there abuse in our marriage?’ And the answer quickly became ‘Yes.’
When we were married, I understood that she wasn’t going to work much for a while. However, she worked the bare minimum she could for 4 years, earning at most in a single year $18,000. As the years went on and my income climbed, our debt continued to climb as well. She was still contributing the same, yet spending frivolously on useless knick knacks for our home and a cat. As I packed up our home to sell, the majority of items were dozens of boxes of useless junk she’d accumulated.
She lived a life of mania around finances. We would go to marital counseling and she would regularly express, ‘I would rather be poor and happy than rich and sad’. We were poor and sad. Sure, my income was the highest it’d ever been – but we were still drowning, with debts climbing. At the end of our marriage, we’d accumulated about $20,000 in consumer debt between credit cards and personal loans.
It was traumatizing (and abusive) to go to counseling and be told by my partner she would ‘rather be poor and happy and than rich and sad’ when the factual scenario we were living was neither. She actively denied reality – both my lived experience and the reality of our finances – at my expense. It was killing me, trying to make sense of what we were going through but being unable to make sense of what I was being told and what I was experiencing.
Throughout this time, it is worth adding that she also leveraged my spiritual leadership to ‘set me straight’. I was in a conservative Evangelical space, believing that men are the ultimate provider in a family unit and primarily responsible for the status of the marriage. Because I was not doing what she wanted me to (lavishing her with affection), I was muscled into multiple groups and meetings where pastoral care intervened to restore our marriage. In the moment, I submitted to my pastoral care because of my trust for them and my faith in God. Now, I believe this dynamic was abusive; my pastoral care did not care in any sense for my soul; they only cared about fixing my marriage. No questions around ‘why’ my marriage was so bad were asked; only what was going on and how it could be fixed. I relish the thought of my pastoral care being held accountable for the abuse they exercised upon me during this time on judgment day, albeit through a shaken faith in a God that would enable this dynamic.
With my spiritual community, I shared that I felt like she was my tormentor; that she it felt as if I were on the ground due to exhaustion, and she was standing on my throat, telling me to ‘get up’ and ‘tell me you love me’; that our metaphorical life was a boat, sinking, and I was desperately bailing out water. All the while, she stood at the other end of the boat, desperately bailing water in and looking at me like I was a maniac.
And yet, because there was no adultery, there was no category for divorce. We had sworn an oath before God and were required to fix this.
As I reflect upon my marriage (and the ongoing divorce proceedings), a few things are clear.
She is an abuser. I don’t think she intends to be, but impact matters. She is mentally ill and unable to reckon with basic reality.
She is a manipulator. She manipulated my spiritual community against me. I was viewed as someone to be corrected while begging for help from my trusted friends and pastoral care, whom I now regret being vulnerable with due to their abuse and denial of my reality because I didn’t fit neatly into their thin theological categories.
She is an enslaver. In divorce proceedings, she is doing everything she can to get every dollar from me, leveraging student loans I did not co-sign, my continually increasing income due to my hard work, and denying every claim of dissipated assets she can.
It is truly a mind-breaking experience to see your compassion leveraged against you for money. I had to sit under an attorney proclaiming to a judge that, since I consented to move up our marriage date before her cancer surgery, ‘I knew what I was getting into’. That she is entitled to large sums of money (that do not exist; we never had more than $3000 in our bank account during marriage) due to that decision.
Even apart from the abuse, I did not know what I was getting into. Including the abuse, I am full of remorse for having invited such an evil, hateful person into my life.
This experience has been the most challenging to my faith. As I endured abuse from her, I trusted God in a few ways. That the compassion I showed would maybe be rewarded – or, at least not punished. That my spiritual community wanted what was best for me. That God was not a punitive, hateful God (like my partner). I do not believe this trust was well placed, but am open to shortcomings in my views here.
I struggle to consent to a God that allowed my experience to occur. I’m open and processing in some kind of faith, but I really don’t know what it looks like to find a place to put this pain and betrayal that I’m experiencing.
I am a survivor of abuse, and the abuse I endured was mind-shattering. I sacrificed everything to support a partner diagnosed with serious bodily illness, which drove her to hate me and deny my lived experience because she could not reconcile it with the hatefulness she cultivated over our marriage, choosing bitterness over any positivity for four years, poisoning my well-being in the process.
What I envisioned to be the most compassionate moment of my life — marrying a person with cancer and promising to support and love them — has become nothing but a symbol of pain and remorse. I envisioned a life where my partner and I would fight against the terror of cancer; instead she hopped to the other side, choosing her ongoing health issues as the ally and myself as the enemy.
It took me 4 years to realize it. And as she drags me through court to leverage every dollar out of me I can, my only regret is that I didn’t leave my abuser to her own devices sooner; self-pity, hatefulness, and a sheer disregard toward taking responsibility for anything.
I am grateful but drowning. As we are negotiating settlement, the end is near, and my abuser will soon be unable to execute any influence in my life.
2024.05.19 00:12 PlantBasedDelinquent I really need help and idk what to do. I need some money tonight urgently
Anything helps, and I will do everything in my power to repay you.
I have never been so low in my life.
My car was repossessed.
My house is foreclosing, first court date is first week of June.
I have over $30k of credit card debt.
I was laid off of work and haven't had luck with my job search, especially without transportation.
Every "friend" I had has robbed me. It adds up to thousands. They use me until I have nothing left then they take it all and leave.
My mother is unemployed without any income or effort, and I cannot help but help her as much as I possibly can.
I hate begging. I used to reject any money or gifts from people because I am a giver. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything that involves selling my body and I have no belongings left to sell. Even my phone is broken and I can't afford a new one.
I am so lost and so alone. I need help. I need help so bad.
I am willing work for it or pay it back if needed as I don't expect hand outs, but anything at all is appreciated. I am a 26 year old female from MA. My mother owned her house but town tried to take it due to 12 years of neglected property tax, in turn I bought her house and had the mortgage in my name, even though she was going to live there and pay the mortgage just using my name as her credit sucks. She lied about paying it and didn't give me the account information but I trusted her, stupidly, now it's too late. If I can't save it I want to fix it up as much as I can while I have time left. She put ruined my credit further, put me in collections with home owners insurance, and broke her promises of it only being a year until we sell, and her giving me the cash to pay my car off. Now I have no car and no home soon. I had perfect credit and $30k of available credit cards in good standing but my ex racked them up to the point they all maxed. Not only did he use them without my permission sometimes, but I couldn't eat in front of him and watch him go hungry, I just couldn't. I had to support him too. He couldn't hold a job. And when enough was enough and I said no more, he would abuse and threaten me. I do everything for everyone I care about but no one is there for me. I legit can't afford food tonight. I only get $22 in food stamps.
I need it help immediately and I don't know what to do
My cashapp is $Aceeee98, Venmo @ Aislyn-B, and Paypal @ AislynB. Thank you in advance
submitted by PlantBasedDelinquent to INeedMoneyNow [link] [comments]
I have never been so low in my life.
My car was repossessed.
My house is foreclosing, first court date is first week of June.
I have over $30k of credit card debt.
I was laid off of work and haven't had luck with my job search, especially without transportation.
Every "friend" I had has robbed me. It adds up to thousands. They use me until I have nothing left then they take it all and leave.
My mother is unemployed without any income or effort, and I cannot help but help her as much as I possibly can.
I hate begging. I used to reject any money or gifts from people because I am a giver. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything that involves selling my body and I have no belongings left to sell. Even my phone is broken and I can't afford a new one.
I am so lost and so alone. I need help. I need help so bad.
I am willing work for it or pay it back if needed as I don't expect hand outs, but anything at all is appreciated. I am a 26 year old female from MA. My mother owned her house but town tried to take it due to 12 years of neglected property tax, in turn I bought her house and had the mortgage in my name, even though she was going to live there and pay the mortgage just using my name as her credit sucks. She lied about paying it and didn't give me the account information but I trusted her, stupidly, now it's too late. If I can't save it I want to fix it up as much as I can while I have time left. She put ruined my credit further, put me in collections with home owners insurance, and broke her promises of it only being a year until we sell, and her giving me the cash to pay my car off. Now I have no car and no home soon. I had perfect credit and $30k of available credit cards in good standing but my ex racked them up to the point they all maxed. Not only did he use them without my permission sometimes, but I couldn't eat in front of him and watch him go hungry, I just couldn't. I had to support him too. He couldn't hold a job. And when enough was enough and I said no more, he would abuse and threaten me. I do everything for everyone I care about but no one is there for me. I legit can't afford food tonight. I only get $22 in food stamps.
I need it help immediately and I don't know what to do
My cashapp is $Aceeee98, Venmo @ Aislyn-B, and Paypal @ AislynB. Thank you in advance
2024.05.18 23:48 PlantBasedDelinquent Anything helps, and I will do everything in my power to repay you.
I have never been so low in my life.
My car was repossessed.
My house is foreclosing, first court date is first week of June.
I have over $30k of credit card debt.
I was laid off of work and haven't had luck with my job search, especially without transportation.
Every "friend" I had has robbed me. It adds up to thousands. They use me until I have nothing left then they take it all and leave.
My mother is unemployed without any income or effort, and I cannot help but help her as much as I possibly can.
I hate begging. I used to reject any money or gifts from people because I am a giver. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything that involves selling my body and I have no belongings left to sell. Even my phone is broken and I can't afford a new one.
I am so lost and so alone. I need help. I need help so bad.
I am willing work for it or pay it back if needed as I don't expect hand outs, but anything at all is appreciated. I am a 26 year old female from MA. My mother owned her house but town tried to take it due to 12 years of neglected property tax, in turn I bought her house and had the mortgage in my name, even though she was going to live there and pay the mortgage just using my name as her credit sucks. She lied about paying it and didn't give me the account information but I trusted her, stupidly, now it's too late. If I can't save it I want to fix it up as much as I can while I have time left. She put ruined my credit further, put me in collections with home owners insurance, and broke her promises of it only being a year until we sell, and her giving me the cash to pay my car off. Now I have no car and no home soon. I had perfect credit and $30k of available credit cards in good standing but my ex racked them up to the point they all maxed. Not only did he use them without my permission sometimes, but I couldn't eat in front of him and watch him go hungry, I just couldn't. I had to support him too. He couldn't hold a job. And when enough was enough and I said no more, he would abuse and threaten me. I do everything for everyone I care about but no one is there for me. I legit can't afford food tonight. I only get $22 in food stamps.
I need it help immediately and I don't know what to do
My cashapp is $Aceeee98, Venmo @ Aislyn-B, and Paypal @ AislynB. Thank you in advance
submitted by PlantBasedDelinquent to INeedMoneyNow [link] [comments]
My car was repossessed.
My house is foreclosing, first court date is first week of June.
I have over $30k of credit card debt.
I was laid off of work and haven't had luck with my job search, especially without transportation.
Every "friend" I had has robbed me. It adds up to thousands. They use me until I have nothing left then they take it all and leave.
My mother is unemployed without any income or effort, and I cannot help but help her as much as I possibly can.
I hate begging. I used to reject any money or gifts from people because I am a giver. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything that involves selling my body and I have no belongings left to sell. Even my phone is broken and I can't afford a new one.
I am so lost and so alone. I need help. I need help so bad.
I am willing work for it or pay it back if needed as I don't expect hand outs, but anything at all is appreciated. I am a 26 year old female from MA. My mother owned her house but town tried to take it due to 12 years of neglected property tax, in turn I bought her house and had the mortgage in my name, even though she was going to live there and pay the mortgage just using my name as her credit sucks. She lied about paying it and didn't give me the account information but I trusted her, stupidly, now it's too late. If I can't save it I want to fix it up as much as I can while I have time left. She put ruined my credit further, put me in collections with home owners insurance, and broke her promises of it only being a year until we sell, and her giving me the cash to pay my car off. Now I have no car and no home soon. I had perfect credit and $30k of available credit cards in good standing but my ex racked them up to the point they all maxed. Not only did he use them without my permission sometimes, but I couldn't eat in front of him and watch him go hungry, I just couldn't. I had to support him too. He couldn't hold a job. And when enough was enough and I said no more, he would abuse and threaten me. I do everything for everyone I care about but no one is there for me. I legit can't afford food tonight. I only get $22 in food stamps.
I need it help immediately and I don't know what to do
My cashapp is $Aceeee98, Venmo @ Aislyn-B, and Paypal @ AislynB. Thank you in advance
2024.05.18 23:02 Ok_Unit_8242 25% off for 398 apps
LINK
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1kbWBIneq5-J3-wU3ZLDWCCeuT-8bIqoG86mYh2kykYs/edit?usp=sharingGAMES IN THE LINK
2MD: VR Football Unleashed ALL☆STARA Fisherman's Tale
A Rogue Escape
Accounting+
Acron: Attack of the Squirrels!
After the Fall®
Airport Ground Handling Simulator VR
ALTAIR BREAKER
ALTDEUS: Beyond Chronos
Alvo
Amid Evil
Ancient Dungeon
Angry Birds VR: Isle of Pigs
Another Fisherman's Tale
Anshar 2: Hyperdrive
Arashi: Castles of Sin - Final Cut
Arcade Legend
Arcade Paradise VR
Arcaxer
Arcsmith
AREA MAN LIVES
Arizona Sunshine®
Arizona Sunshine® 2
Asgard's Wrath 2
Assassin’s Creed® Nexus VR
Audio Trip
Audioshield
AVICII Invector: Encore Edition
Bad Dreams
BAM
Barbaria
BARTENDER VR SIMULATOR
Battle Bows
Battle Talent
BattleGroupVR
BEAT ARENA
Beat Saber
Black Hole Pool
Blade & Sorcery: Nomad
Blair Witch: Oculus Quest Edition
BlazeRush: Star Track
Block Buster
BONELAB
Border Bots VR
Breachers
Breathedge: Cosmic Cluck
BRINK Traveler
Broken Edge
Budget Cuts Ultimate
Bulletstorm VR
Call of the Sea VR
Captain ToonHead vs The Punks from Outer Space
Car Mechanic Simulator
Carly and the Reaperman
Carve Snowboarding
CarX Rally VR
Catan VR
Cave Digger
Cave Digger 2 Dig Harder
Cities: VR
Clash of Chefs VR
CleanSheet Soccer
Colossal Cave
COMPOUND
Contractors
Contractors Showdown
Cook-Out
CookieRun: The Darkest Night ~ Chapter1 ~
Cooking Simulator VR
Cosmodread
Cosmonious High
Crashland
Crazy Kung Fu
Creed: Rise to Glory - Championship Edition™
Crimen - Mercenary Tales
Crisis Brigade 2 reloaded
Crumbling
Cybrix
Darksword: Battle Eternity
Dash Dash World
Dead Effect 2
Dead Hook
Dead Secret Circle
Death Horizon: Reloaded
Death Lap
Deisim
Demeo
Demeo Battles
Demeter
Down the Rabbit Hole
Dragon Fist: VR Kung Fu
Dragon Front Rising
Drop Dead: Dual Strike Edition
Drop Dead: The Cabin
Drums Rock
Drunkn Bar Fight
Dungeons Of Eternity
DYSCHRONIA: Chronos Alternate
Electronauts
Eleven Table Tennis
Elven Assassin
End Space
Eolia
Espire 1: VR Operative
Espire 2: Stealth Operatives
Eternal Notre-Dame
Eternal Starlight
Exorcist: Legion VR
Eye of the Temple
Figmin XR Mixed Reality
Final Space VR - The Rescue
First Person Tennis - The Real Tennis Simulator
Five Nights at Freddy's: Help Wanted
Five Nights at Freddy's: Help Wanted 2
Flight 74
Floor Plan 2
Flow Weaver
ForeVR Bowl
ForeVR Pool
FREEDIVER: Triton Down
Fruit Ninja
Fruit Ninja 2
Gadgeteer
Galactic Catch
Gambit!
Garden of the Sea
GAZZLERS
Genotype
Gesture VR
Ghost Giant
Ghost Signal: A Stellaris Game
Ghostbusters: Rise of the Ghost Lord
Ghosts of Tabor
Gladius
Golf 5
GOLF+
GORN
Gravity Lab
Green Hell VR
GRID Legends
Guardians Frontline
Guided Meditation VR
Gun Club VR
Gun Jam VR
Hello Neighbor: Search and Rescue
Hellsweeper VR
Holopoint
Homestar VR: Special Edition
Homeworld: Vast Reaches
HouseFlipper VR
Hubris
HUMANITY
Hunt Together
Chess Club
I Expect You To Die
I Expect You To Die 2
I Expect You To Die 3: Cog in the Machine
iB Cricket
In Death: Unchained
Interkosmos 2000
Into the Radius
INVERSE
IRON GUARD
Iron Rebellion
Ironlights
IRONSTRIKE
Island Time
ISLANDERS VR Edition
Job Simulator
Journey to Foundation
Jupiter & Mars
Jurassic World Aftermath Collection
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Kill It With Fire VR
Killer Frequency
Kingspray Graffiti
Knockout League
Larcenauts
Last Labyrinth
Lawn Mowing Simulator VR
Layers of Fear VR
LEGO® Bricktales
LES MILLS BODYCOMBAT
LES MILLS XR DANCE
Let's Create! Pottery VR
Lies Beneath
Linelight
Little Cities
Little Witch Academia: VR Broom Racing
Loco Dojo Unleashed
Lucky's Tale
Luna
Mannequin
MarineVerse Cup
Marvel's Iron Man VR
Maskmaker
Max Mustard
Medal of Honor™: Above and Beyond
Medieval Dynasty New Settlement
Micro Machines: Mini Challenge Mayhem
Mini Motor Racing X
Mixture
Morels: Homestead
Moss
Moss: Book II
MOTHERGUNSHIP: FORGE
MultiBrush
MVP Football - The Patrick Mahomes Experience
Myst
Nano
Neko Atsume Purrfect Kitty Collector
NFL PRO ERA
NFL PRO ERA II
Ninja Legends
No More Rainbows
Not For Broadcast
OhShape
Omega Pilot
Onward
Operation Wolf Returns: First Mission VR
OrbusVR: Reborn
Outta Hand
Paint the Town Red VR
Painting VR
Papaye Bang Bang VR
Paradiddle
Paranormal Activity: The Lost Soul
Path of the Warrior
PathCraft
PatchWorld - Multiplayer Music Maker
Pavlov Shack
Peaky Blinders: The King's Ransom
Per Aspera VR
Phantom: Covert Ops
Pickleball Pro
Pinball FX2 VR
Pistol Whip
Pixel Ripped 1978: An Atari Adventure
Pixel Ripped 1995
PowerBeatsVR
PowerWash Simulator VR
Premium Bowling
Presentiment of Death
Primal Hunt
Primal Hunt
Prison Boss VR
Prison Boss VR
Project Demigod
Project TERMINUS VR
Propagation: Paradise Hotel
Puzzle Bobble VR: Vacation Odyssey
Puzzling Places
Raccoon Lagoon
Racket Club
Racket Fury: Table Tennis VR
Racket: Nx
Radial-G: Proteus
Ragnarock
REAKT Performance Trainer
Real VR Fishing
Recombination Anniversary Edition
Red Matter
Red Matter 2
Resident Evil 4
Resist
Retropolis 2: Never Say Goodbye
Rez Infinite
Rezzil Player
Richie's Plank Experience
Robo Recall: Unplugged
Rooms of Realities
RUINSMAGUS
RUNNER
RUSH
Sairento VR : Untethered
Sam and Max: This Time It's Virtual!
Samba de Amigo: Virtual Party
SculptrVR
Shadow Point
Shadowgate VR: The Mines of Mythrok
Shave & Stuff
Shooty Fruity
Shores of Loci
Sky Climb
Smash Drums
Sniper Elite VR
Sniper Elite VR: Winter Warrior
Snow Wars
SOLARIS OFFWORLD COMBAT
Song in the Smoke
SOUL COVENANT
Space Docker VR
Space Channel 5 VR Kinda Funky News Flash!
Space Pirate Trainer DX
Space Salvage
Spacefolk City
Spaceteam VR
Spice & Wolf VR
Sports Scramble
STACK
Star Trek: Bridge Crew
Star Wars: Tales from the Galaxy's Edge
Star Wars™ Pinball VR
Startenders: Intergalactic Bartending
Stranger Things VR
STRIDE
STRIDE: Fates
SUPERHOT VR
Survival Nation
Survivorman VR: The Descent
Sushi Ben
Swarm
SWARM 2
Sweet Surrender
SWORDS of GARGANTUA
Swordsman
Synth Riders
Table of Tales: The Crooked Crown
Tennis Esports
Tennis League VR
Tentacular
Tetris® Effect: Connected
The 7th Guest VR
The American Dream
The Climb
The Climb 2
The Last Clockwinder
The Last Worker
The Light Brigade
The Pirate Queen with Lucy Liu
The Room VR: A Dark Matter
The Signifier
The Tale of Onogoro
The Twilight Zone™
The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners
The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners - Chapter 2: Retribution
The Wizards
The Wizards - Dark Times: Brotherhood
Thief Simulator VR: Greenview Street
Thumper
Tiger Blade
Tilt Brush
Time Stall
Titanic: A Space Between
Titans Clinic
TOKYO CHRONOS
TOSS!
TOTALLY BASEBALL
Townsmen VR
Toy Monsters
Track Craft
Traffic Jams
Tropico
Trover Saves the Universe
UBOAT: The Silent Wolf
Ultrawings
Ultrawings 2
UNBINARY
UNDERDOGS
Unearthed
Unplugged: Air Guitar
Until You Fall
Vacation Simulator
VAIL
Vampire: The Masquerade - Justice
Ven VR Adventure
Vermillion - VR Painting
Virtual Desktop
Virtual Virtual Reality
Virtual Virtual Reality 2
Virtuoso
Vox Machinae
Walkabout Mini Golf
Waltz of the Wizard
Wands
Wands Alliances
Warhammer 40,000: Battle Sister
Warhammer Age of Sigmar: Tempestfall
Warplanes: Air Corp
Warplanes: Battles over Pacific
Warplanes: WW1 Fighters
We Are One
WHAT THE BAT?
Windlands
Windlands 2
Wings 1941
World Of Mechs
World War Toons: Tank Arena VR
Wraith: The Oblivion - Afterlife
YUKI Space Ranger
Yupitergrad
Yupitergrad 2: The Lost Station
Zero Caliber: Reloaded
Ziggy's Cosmic Adventures
ZOMBIE BAR SIMULATOR
Zombieland: Headshot Fever
ZOOKEEPER : Blast Quest
Zooma: Deluxe Edition
2024.05.18 22:42 SteveSmith15024 Why does there have to be a recession/depression coming?
New to this group; I would characterize myself as a lucky investor who jumped into Tesla at the right time. I don't know a lot about Markets/Economics, just enough to get what I see on CNBC.
I read a lot of doom and gloom in here about a depression/recession; but why is there one that is so eminent? I was doing a little reading recently, no government (In a "modern" economy - and a modern social/economic milieu) has carried as much of a fiscal deficit as England did after the Napoleonic Wars. The Deficit they ran (proportionally) was over twice what we're running in the United States.
Now I want to be clear about something here; I am not contesting that because we're not as deeply in debt that we are therefore running a responsible economic policy. We're clearly not; but things don't just get worse - they get better too. People are irresponsible, bad things happen - but people change, things change, things get better as well as worse.
Why is it that our country, our economy, and everything else is only going to get worse - and not better? What is the reasoning behind the belief that we're heading towards a recession. Please explain it to me as you would a young child, or a golden retriever.
submitted by SteveSmith15024 to wallstreetbets [link] [comments]
I read a lot of doom and gloom in here about a depression/recession; but why is there one that is so eminent? I was doing a little reading recently, no government (In a "modern" economy - and a modern social/economic milieu) has carried as much of a fiscal deficit as England did after the Napoleonic Wars. The Deficit they ran (proportionally) was over twice what we're running in the United States.
Now I want to be clear about something here; I am not contesting that because we're not as deeply in debt that we are therefore running a responsible economic policy. We're clearly not; but things don't just get worse - they get better too. People are irresponsible, bad things happen - but people change, things change, things get better as well as worse.
Why is it that our country, our economy, and everything else is only going to get worse - and not better? What is the reasoning behind the belief that we're heading towards a recession. Please explain it to me as you would a young child, or a golden retriever.
2024.05.18 22:37 blackcoffee-4u AITA for bringing up the things I did to help my gf
Me (28M) and my gf (24F) have been living together for a year now. Her salary doesn't pay well and I on the other hand doesn't have much issues with finances. Ever since we started living together I took the initiative of helping her with her needs especially medical needs, she have PTSD and really bad anxiety. She tried to reject it multiple times and she never come to me to ask for any financial help and I do all of this from the bottom of my heart because I love her. I also pay all the bills rent free and I'm the one who buys groceries, I mean technically she's the one going to the market to buy it but with my money. Recently we had a disagreement while we're at a friends house, during dinner time me and our friend group our deciding where to eat, I wanted to order food online and have it delivered instead of going out and I said it to one of our friends while we were talking and then when our friend ask her about what she want, she said she wanted to go to a nearby restaurant and everyone agreed to go there. I got mad cause she contradicted my decision and I didn't feel comfortable going out there so while we were there I whispered to her not to buy anything extras and just buy the basic food cause she cant afford it and she is using my money and I told her how I didn't like her idea to go to that place cause it was too hassle for me. Later that day when we arrived home I talked to her about it, but she claimed that she didn't hear that I wanted to order food instead and I told her my voice was loud while talking to our friend thats why I assume that she knew, and during this argument I brought up the topic of how I was the one providing for her especially this past few months where she had to take medical leave at work for being sick and her not being able to afford it. For the context we were LDR for 2 months, and during that month she was in and out of the hospital and she needed to take loan from the bank with high interest without me knowing cause she said she rather loan money from other people with no strings attached, I told her its not a brilliant move and I insisted on paying her debt. Now during our argument I brought up the topic of money and she just started crying telling me that she had seen this coming and this is the reason she doesnt want to accept financial help from me cause she knew it would ruin our relationship. Ever since it happened I felt our relationship changed a lot, she still do all the chores around the house like she used too but she seem distant and doesn't care, it's like she's so detached from me when before she used to be so clingy. So AITA?
submitted by blackcoffee-4u to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 22:30 Flashy_Passion3333 sun beam broke her a/c
 | hey it’s your dady keeho and i’m glad that you’re writing with me instead of going to sleep which is what you should be doing. you still have the desire to write so that’s good. that means everything is normal except your broken a/c. its 84 degrees in your fucking apartment right sun beam get out of there! you should try harder to look for the maintenance man. it’s fucking hot in your apartment sun beam and you are sweating and your mother isn’t even responding to your text messages. i know that you’ll find him when you are getting your night time medications but that’s in 2 hours sun beam. so go down stairs and check the door again. i’ll wait. very good sun beam! you found him and it really is broken he’s going to have to call someone to fix it. i’m sorry that it’s so fucking hot baby. but i told you that you would want to write again. the world didn’t end. your whole world comes crashing down on you when you don’t feel like writing. i know that’s a signal to you that something is wrong but it shouldn’t be. i’m glad that this whole mess is over now. when your mother checks her text messages she’ll give you her opinion but your setup is perfectly fine, nothing is wrong with it. i think i hear the a/c kicking on? i hope that they’’re not in you apartment forever so that you can write in peace. i’m so glad that you feel better now sun beam. you can wait a few days until your payday to get the chromebook. i know that you can. it’s interesting because your mother was in a really good mood today sun beam but i don’t want to get your hopes up so i’m just going to shut up about that now. we need something new to talk about. it’s not healthy for you to talk about your shopping addiction so freely. at least that’s my opinion. i think that we should talk about something new. so what do you want to talk about sun beam? i’m glad that you’re not hungry even though you skipped lunch. that was your first mistake. you should have gone to lunch and the maybe you wouldn’t have acted so crazy. but i got you to calm down. you’re not going to get credit cards or anything like that sun beam. you can’t handle those things and everyone is going to deny you because you have debt sun beam. you’re so bad with money sun beam. that’s why you don’t handle your own money. so just keep working at daddys company in the Sexual Healing anime and everything will be fine. i actually think that posting to tumblr is going to be best for you right now because you can make tags and you are so upset. so post to tumblr for the rest of the day baby. i love you! Sun Beam is published by Party Boy Asians Art Hauz. submitted by Flashy_Passion3333 to u/Flashy_Passion3333 [link] [comments] |
2024.05.18 22:02 pierreasr Not having this was killing my app
If you have an app with an authentication system, there is one thing that you can't afford to mess up: auth providers.
When I first launched Monnelia, I thought that offering several authentication methods to users was a cool but not essential feature. I was terribly wrong. The only way to create an account in the app was the traditional method of filling in an email and a password.
A few weeks after launching the app, I noticed that some people downloaded it but never created an account. Then, these people would uninstall the app. When people quickly install and uninstall an app, it is really bad for your ranking in the app stores.
The issue was that users didn't want to go through the annoying process of creating an account, and they didn't want to share their credentials with a small, brand-new app. There was only one possible fix: implementing auth providers. On iOS, I implemented Apple (it's mandatory if you offer third-party login) and Google as authentication methods, and it's now much more convenient for users to log in to the app.
For developers who have an app with some auth features, don't make the same mistake I did. Offer several authentication methods to your users from the launch of your product. I hope this helps :)
submitted by pierreasr to iOSProgramming [link] [comments]
When I first launched Monnelia, I thought that offering several authentication methods to users was a cool but not essential feature. I was terribly wrong. The only way to create an account in the app was the traditional method of filling in an email and a password.
A few weeks after launching the app, I noticed that some people downloaded it but never created an account. Then, these people would uninstall the app. When people quickly install and uninstall an app, it is really bad for your ranking in the app stores.
The issue was that users didn't want to go through the annoying process of creating an account, and they didn't want to share their credentials with a small, brand-new app. There was only one possible fix: implementing auth providers. On iOS, I implemented Apple (it's mandatory if you offer third-party login) and Google as authentication methods, and it's now much more convenient for users to log in to the app.
For developers who have an app with some auth features, don't make the same mistake I did. Offer several authentication methods to your users from the launch of your product. I hope this helps :)
2024.05.18 21:34 Competitive_Spend_27 21, 2 investment properties, what’s next?
Hi guys! I’m looking for some slight advice. I’m 21, my main sources of income are my clothing brand & 2 investment properties.
What should I do next? Realistically, I could buy another property by this summer, but that would mean depleting my savings and going into “bad” debt because in addition to the mortgage, I might need a loan to to make upgrades to the property. Should I focus on getting another property as soon as possible or relax & continue saving my money until next year?
My main goal is to make $4000 profit a month from real estate ASAP & $10,000+ a month between real estate and my clothing brand business before I hit 24, so what would be the fastest way to do that?
The only reason I’d consider spending all my money to get another property is because I’m pretty stable and don’t have lots of big expenses, my car is paid off, I live at home and only pay $300 in rent, my business revenue covers all of my business expenses. My financial downfalls are probably that I occasionally buy expensive clothing because I am in the fashion scene, and I like to go out and try new restaurants, but I mean what NYC young adult doesn’t?
Also, sometimes I feel like people on this app are mean in the comments, so im sorry if I sound naïve or dumb. Please take it easy on me and just let me know what you would do in my situation :)
submitted by Competitive_Spend_27 to FinancialPlanning [link] [comments]
- My first property is 3bd 2bth mobile home. Renting for $875. It was brought in cash so there is no mortgage. (planning to increase the rent to $975 once I upgrade the kitchen because it’s way below market)
- My second property is a 2 bedroom condo renting for $1300. I put a large down payment down so the mortgage is pretty low, after mortgage and HOA fees I cash flow $765 a month. With my properties and my clothing brand, I’d say I make around $4000-$7000 a month, it varies because sales fluctuate.
What should I do next? Realistically, I could buy another property by this summer, but that would mean depleting my savings and going into “bad” debt because in addition to the mortgage, I might need a loan to to make upgrades to the property. Should I focus on getting another property as soon as possible or relax & continue saving my money until next year?
My main goal is to make $4000 profit a month from real estate ASAP & $10,000+ a month between real estate and my clothing brand business before I hit 24, so what would be the fastest way to do that?
The only reason I’d consider spending all my money to get another property is because I’m pretty stable and don’t have lots of big expenses, my car is paid off, I live at home and only pay $300 in rent, my business revenue covers all of my business expenses. My financial downfalls are probably that I occasionally buy expensive clothing because I am in the fashion scene, and I like to go out and try new restaurants, but I mean what NYC young adult doesn’t?
Also, sometimes I feel like people on this app are mean in the comments, so im sorry if I sound naïve or dumb. Please take it easy on me and just let me know what you would do in my situation :)
2024.05.18 21:24 BigDickCharlaten Failed to serve
Kind of a long story, but allegedly I owed some money to a credit card company named synchrony. I didn’t agree with their opinions and present the facts to my credit bureaua. They accepted the dispute and the debt was no longer on my credit on any of the “big 3”. Some time passed, and I saw I was being sued by a company called “pollack and Rosen” Lucky for me, bad for them, I’m basically icly off grid when it comes to place of residence. They tried to serve multiple times, and failed each time. The judge ordered a final dismal in my favor saying they failed to timely serve me notice. It was dismissed no prejudice. Will they come after me again? Can they?
submitted by BigDickCharlaten to Debt [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 21:20 Throwaway1995Chloe I'm so tired of the verbal abuse
I've been with my partner for almost 4 years now and we have 2 kids together. He started getting especially verbally abusive with me when our first was born and I always felt like I was stuck with him because I got a house with him and went into so much debt with him and I would financially destroy myself leaving him. It wasn't awful at first, mainly just rare fights that would escalate sometimes into him screaming at me, but now at this point especially since our second baby was born I feel like he fights with me every week.
Literally everything I do is wrong and I get called every name in the book and how I'm lazy, stupid, and a loser. I was laid off about 4 months ago around the same time our second child was born and he has been using this as an excuse to call me especially lazy and a loser even though I've been trying my best to use this time to take care of our baby, toddler, the house, and use my savings even to pay for all my portions of the bills/groceries/and kids stuff. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm this fucking awful loser living in my own house where I pay the damn mortgage. Every time I try to stand up for myself or fight back I just get screamed at even more and it's gotten to the point where he's threatening to "beat the fuck out of me" because I'm telling him "I refuse to let him talk to me like that"
I have no means of leaving right now, but I start a new job next month and I really think I'm going to seriously plan on getting my shit together and leaving him. I just keep hoping he'll change and I keep trying to do better and not piss him off, but it seems like even if I look at him the wrong way he explodes about what a bitch I am. I'm just so tired. I feel like I can never feel comfortable in my own house with my kids. And he literally never apologies. Ever. It is always my fault. Even when I try so fucking hard to not escalate the situation it's so hard because he starts cursing at me and calling me every name in the book it fucking hurts. I don't understand how he just expects me to be silent and be scolded like a child... I'm not really looking for advice but just to rant. I'm hurting bad today... I tried to be nice and bring him lunch at work and he made me go back to our house for material he forgot and screamed at me for being a dumbass and "Retarted" because I couldn't find it in the first minute and then it blew into a screaming match because I tried to stand up for myself...
submitted by Throwaway1995Chloe to abusiverelationships [link] [comments]
Literally everything I do is wrong and I get called every name in the book and how I'm lazy, stupid, and a loser. I was laid off about 4 months ago around the same time our second child was born and he has been using this as an excuse to call me especially lazy and a loser even though I've been trying my best to use this time to take care of our baby, toddler, the house, and use my savings even to pay for all my portions of the bills/groceries/and kids stuff. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm this fucking awful loser living in my own house where I pay the damn mortgage. Every time I try to stand up for myself or fight back I just get screamed at even more and it's gotten to the point where he's threatening to "beat the fuck out of me" because I'm telling him "I refuse to let him talk to me like that"
I have no means of leaving right now, but I start a new job next month and I really think I'm going to seriously plan on getting my shit together and leaving him. I just keep hoping he'll change and I keep trying to do better and not piss him off, but it seems like even if I look at him the wrong way he explodes about what a bitch I am. I'm just so tired. I feel like I can never feel comfortable in my own house with my kids. And he literally never apologies. Ever. It is always my fault. Even when I try so fucking hard to not escalate the situation it's so hard because he starts cursing at me and calling me every name in the book it fucking hurts. I don't understand how he just expects me to be silent and be scolded like a child... I'm not really looking for advice but just to rant. I'm hurting bad today... I tried to be nice and bring him lunch at work and he made me go back to our house for material he forgot and screamed at me for being a dumbass and "Retarted" because I couldn't find it in the first minute and then it blew into a screaming match because I tried to stand up for myself...
2024.05.18 21:17 Direct-Ad2644 Ending my life tonight
Please don't judge me or be harsh or trolling. I can't handle it at this point in time right now.... I am just moments close to ending everything because I just can't handle it anymore. please if you judge me just keep it to yourself please..
I am on ssi and ssd getting 158 on the first and 805 on the 3rd. the ssd is after both my parents passed they put me on my dads disability drawing off what he earned working but I was originally on ssi to begin with.
I get about 963 a month total to live on. Right now I am in major debt with credit cards since covid broke out. I had to use them to live on.
I moved in with my aunt who is living in apartments based on income but they are not section 8 but they accept section 8. When i moved in, i was told by the manager i didn't need to put my income since i was a cotenant. that was 10 yrs ago. come to find out. i had to put my income now i am being sued by the housing authority for 10k, i owe two more years. my aunt and i pay 220 a month to them. they don't care what happened they just want their money.
i owe one credit card company 4.5k, another 1.8k another 600 and another 700. when i applied for them, it was 3 plus years ago. i put that i made around 700k a year when i applied to them but i was on ssdi at the time making around 11k a year. i went on the websites 3 months ago fixed the right info.
I live in a small town where nothing is available for the next 20 plus miles and have no transport. my aunt won't take me anywhere. her son who si in his late 30's lives with us and works. my aunt is on disability. I get food stamps right now worth a 130 a month which goes to my aunt even though its for me. i pay her 450 a month rent incl internet lights and 130 in food. if i don't give her the food stamps then i have to pay her another 130 a month i can't afford since all my stuff is going to her and credit cards. i legit have nothing left each month right now with having to buy myself instant mashed potatoes, oatmeal top ramen soup, noodles and spaghetti sauce. i live on that through the month.
when she buys food with the food stamps it feeds her son, me and her. but it is only enough to last a week, then for the next 3 weeks i am starving barely eating because i can't afford much when i do buy stuff that i can put in my bedroom to eat on.
past week now, there has been no food, her son has been taking his mom and him out to eat all week not bringing anything home for me. im so hungry. the nearest food bank is 4 miles away one way, but i have no way to get there my aunt won't take me they don't deliver and when i tried getting medicaid transport to take me they said they don't schedule rides except to and from the dr's.
I have no other family, I have no friends. I have no vehicle. been trying to get a minivan so I could live in it. I am sometimes bed ridden due to my bad joints/back/knees/feet/right leg nerve damage. I also struggle from morbid obesity I am around 500 lbs and funny thing is, with how little i eat. i should be losing weight but its the complete opposite.
I will be 47 yrs old when I am out of debt with the credit card companies, I tried filing bankruptcy no one will touch me being under 10k in debt with the credit card companies. i contacted legal aid, the attorney who called me back said he can't help me because its under 10k. but told me how to file but chances of me filing and getting it are slim to none esp without legal help he said.
im thinking of ending my life next month when my aunt and her son leave for a week. I just can't keep living like this. if i had a minivan I could stay in it, do door dash for extra money, I could get around trying to find an aparment based on income. I bene accepted a few times to low income places but had no way to get there and now with all the debt I wouldn't be able to afford having my own place with the credit card debt.
if i stop paying the cards, and the debt collectors come after me, they could take me to court and if they do, they could show the judge i said i made 700k a year and i didn't make that much and was on disability at the time and making only 11k a year. i found out while looking into bankruptcy that it is fraud and i could face prison time.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know what to do anymore other than ending things next month to get out of this situation i put myself in with my aunt, debt, etc. I just can't do it anymore esp without a vehicle. esp since I am bed ridden half of the day here and there due to my bad joints and weight that i have carried around for 30 yrs destroying my joints and causing nerve damage to my right leg. I can't just get up and go on the streets and live on the streets not with how badly im in pain every day esp just walking to the corner store. just a simple walk to the corner store and back and i am bed rested for an entire day barely able to move.
i can't do it anymore...
submitted by Direct-Ad2644 to depression [link] [comments]
I am on ssi and ssd getting 158 on the first and 805 on the 3rd. the ssd is after both my parents passed they put me on my dads disability drawing off what he earned working but I was originally on ssi to begin with.
I get about 963 a month total to live on. Right now I am in major debt with credit cards since covid broke out. I had to use them to live on.
I moved in with my aunt who is living in apartments based on income but they are not section 8 but they accept section 8. When i moved in, i was told by the manager i didn't need to put my income since i was a cotenant. that was 10 yrs ago. come to find out. i had to put my income now i am being sued by the housing authority for 10k, i owe two more years. my aunt and i pay 220 a month to them. they don't care what happened they just want their money.
i owe one credit card company 4.5k, another 1.8k another 600 and another 700. when i applied for them, it was 3 plus years ago. i put that i made around 700k a year when i applied to them but i was on ssdi at the time making around 11k a year. i went on the websites 3 months ago fixed the right info.
I live in a small town where nothing is available for the next 20 plus miles and have no transport. my aunt won't take me anywhere. her son who si in his late 30's lives with us and works. my aunt is on disability. I get food stamps right now worth a 130 a month which goes to my aunt even though its for me. i pay her 450 a month rent incl internet lights and 130 in food. if i don't give her the food stamps then i have to pay her another 130 a month i can't afford since all my stuff is going to her and credit cards. i legit have nothing left each month right now with having to buy myself instant mashed potatoes, oatmeal top ramen soup, noodles and spaghetti sauce. i live on that through the month.
when she buys food with the food stamps it feeds her son, me and her. but it is only enough to last a week, then for the next 3 weeks i am starving barely eating because i can't afford much when i do buy stuff that i can put in my bedroom to eat on.
past week now, there has been no food, her son has been taking his mom and him out to eat all week not bringing anything home for me. im so hungry. the nearest food bank is 4 miles away one way, but i have no way to get there my aunt won't take me they don't deliver and when i tried getting medicaid transport to take me they said they don't schedule rides except to and from the dr's.
I have no other family, I have no friends. I have no vehicle. been trying to get a minivan so I could live in it. I am sometimes bed ridden due to my bad joints/back/knees/feet/right leg nerve damage. I also struggle from morbid obesity I am around 500 lbs and funny thing is, with how little i eat. i should be losing weight but its the complete opposite.
I will be 47 yrs old when I am out of debt with the credit card companies, I tried filing bankruptcy no one will touch me being under 10k in debt with the credit card companies. i contacted legal aid, the attorney who called me back said he can't help me because its under 10k. but told me how to file but chances of me filing and getting it are slim to none esp without legal help he said.
im thinking of ending my life next month when my aunt and her son leave for a week. I just can't keep living like this. if i had a minivan I could stay in it, do door dash for extra money, I could get around trying to find an aparment based on income. I bene accepted a few times to low income places but had no way to get there and now with all the debt I wouldn't be able to afford having my own place with the credit card debt.
if i stop paying the cards, and the debt collectors come after me, they could take me to court and if they do, they could show the judge i said i made 700k a year and i didn't make that much and was on disability at the time and making only 11k a year. i found out while looking into bankruptcy that it is fraud and i could face prison time.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know what to do anymore other than ending things next month to get out of this situation i put myself in with my aunt, debt, etc. I just can't do it anymore esp without a vehicle. esp since I am bed ridden half of the day here and there due to my bad joints and weight that i have carried around for 30 yrs destroying my joints and causing nerve damage to my right leg. I can't just get up and go on the streets and live on the streets not with how badly im in pain every day esp just walking to the corner store. just a simple walk to the corner store and back and i am bed rested for an entire day barely able to move.
i can't do it anymore...
2024.05.18 21:17 Direct-Ad2644 Ending my life tonight
Please don't judge me or be harsh or trolling. I can't handle it at this point in time right now.... I am just moments close to ending everything because I just can't handle it anymore. please if you judge me just keep it to yourself please..
I am on ssi and ssd getting 158 on the first and 805 on the 3rd. the ssd is after both my parents passed they put me on my dads disability drawing off what he earned working but I was originally on ssi to begin with.
I get about 963 a month total to live on. Right now I am in major debt with credit cards since covid broke out. I had to use them to live on.
I moved in with my aunt who is living in apartments based on income but they are not section 8 but they accept section 8. When i moved in, i was told by the manager i didn't need to put my income since i was a cotenant. that was 10 yrs ago. come to find out. i had to put my income now i am being sued by the housing authority for 10k, i owe two more years. my aunt and i pay 220 a month to them. they don't care what happened they just want their money.
i owe one credit card company 4.5k, another 1.8k another 600 and another 700. when i applied for them, it was 3 plus years ago. i put that i made around 700k a year when i applied to them but i was on ssdi at the time making around 11k a year. i went on the websites 3 months ago fixed the right info.
I live in a small town where nothing is available for the next 20 plus miles and have no transport. my aunt won't take me anywhere. her son who si in his late 30's lives with us and works. my aunt is on disability. I get food stamps right now worth a 130 a month which goes to my aunt even though its for me. i pay her 450 a month rent incl internet lights and 130 in food. if i don't give her the food stamps then i have to pay her another 130 a month i can't afford since all my stuff is going to her and credit cards. i legit have nothing left each month right now with having to buy myself instant mashed potatoes, oatmeal top ramen soup, noodles and spaghetti sauce. i live on that through the month.
when she buys food with the food stamps it feeds her son, me and her. but it is only enough to last a week, then for the next 3 weeks i am starving barely eating because i can't afford much when i do buy stuff that i can put in my bedroom to eat on.
past week now, there has been no food, her son has been taking his mom and him out to eat all week not bringing anything home for me. im so hungry. the nearest food bank is 4 miles away one way, but i have no way to get there my aunt won't take me they don't deliver and when i tried getting medicaid transport to take me they said they don't schedule rides except to and from the dr's.
I have no other family, I have no friends. I have no vehicle. been trying to get a minivan so I could live in it. I am sometimes bed ridden due to my bad joints/back/knees/feet/right leg nerve damage. I also struggle from morbid obesity I am around 500 lbs and funny thing is, with how little i eat. i should be losing weight but its the complete opposite.
I will be 47 yrs old when I am out of debt with the credit card companies, I tried filing bankruptcy no one will touch me being under 10k in debt with the credit card companies. i contacted legal aid, the attorney who called me back said he can't help me because its under 10k. but told me how to file but chances of me filing and getting it are slim to none esp without legal help he said.
im thinking of ending my life next month when my aunt and her son leave for a week. I just can't keep living like this. if i had a minivan I could stay in it, do door dash for extra money, I could get around trying to find an aparment based on income. I bene accepted a few times to low income places but had no way to get there and now with all the debt I wouldn't be able to afford having my own place with the credit card debt.
if i stop paying the cards, and the debt collectors come after me, they could take me to court and if they do, they could show the judge i said i made 700k a year and i didn't make that much and was on disability at the time and making only 11k a year. i found out while looking into bankruptcy that it is fraud and i could face prison time.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know what to do anymore other than ending things next month to get out of this situation i put myself in with my aunt, debt, etc. I just can't do it anymore esp without a vehicle. esp since I am bed ridden half of the day here and there due to my bad joints and weight that i have carried around for 30 yrs destroying my joints and causing nerve damage to my right leg. I can't just get up and go on the streets and live on the streets not with how badly im in pain every day esp just walking to the corner store. just a simple walk to the corner store and back and i am bed rested for an entire day barely able to move.
i can't do it anymore...
submitted by Direct-Ad2644 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]
I am on ssi and ssd getting 158 on the first and 805 on the 3rd. the ssd is after both my parents passed they put me on my dads disability drawing off what he earned working but I was originally on ssi to begin with.
I get about 963 a month total to live on. Right now I am in major debt with credit cards since covid broke out. I had to use them to live on.
I moved in with my aunt who is living in apartments based on income but they are not section 8 but they accept section 8. When i moved in, i was told by the manager i didn't need to put my income since i was a cotenant. that was 10 yrs ago. come to find out. i had to put my income now i am being sued by the housing authority for 10k, i owe two more years. my aunt and i pay 220 a month to them. they don't care what happened they just want their money.
i owe one credit card company 4.5k, another 1.8k another 600 and another 700. when i applied for them, it was 3 plus years ago. i put that i made around 700k a year when i applied to them but i was on ssdi at the time making around 11k a year. i went on the websites 3 months ago fixed the right info.
I live in a small town where nothing is available for the next 20 plus miles and have no transport. my aunt won't take me anywhere. her son who si in his late 30's lives with us and works. my aunt is on disability. I get food stamps right now worth a 130 a month which goes to my aunt even though its for me. i pay her 450 a month rent incl internet lights and 130 in food. if i don't give her the food stamps then i have to pay her another 130 a month i can't afford since all my stuff is going to her and credit cards. i legit have nothing left each month right now with having to buy myself instant mashed potatoes, oatmeal top ramen soup, noodles and spaghetti sauce. i live on that through the month.
when she buys food with the food stamps it feeds her son, me and her. but it is only enough to last a week, then for the next 3 weeks i am starving barely eating because i can't afford much when i do buy stuff that i can put in my bedroom to eat on.
past week now, there has been no food, her son has been taking his mom and him out to eat all week not bringing anything home for me. im so hungry. the nearest food bank is 4 miles away one way, but i have no way to get there my aunt won't take me they don't deliver and when i tried getting medicaid transport to take me they said they don't schedule rides except to and from the dr's.
I have no other family, I have no friends. I have no vehicle. been trying to get a minivan so I could live in it. I am sometimes bed ridden due to my bad joints/back/knees/feet/right leg nerve damage. I also struggle from morbid obesity I am around 500 lbs and funny thing is, with how little i eat. i should be losing weight but its the complete opposite.
I will be 47 yrs old when I am out of debt with the credit card companies, I tried filing bankruptcy no one will touch me being under 10k in debt with the credit card companies. i contacted legal aid, the attorney who called me back said he can't help me because its under 10k. but told me how to file but chances of me filing and getting it are slim to none esp without legal help he said.
im thinking of ending my life next month when my aunt and her son leave for a week. I just can't keep living like this. if i had a minivan I could stay in it, do door dash for extra money, I could get around trying to find an aparment based on income. I bene accepted a few times to low income places but had no way to get there and now with all the debt I wouldn't be able to afford having my own place with the credit card debt.
if i stop paying the cards, and the debt collectors come after me, they could take me to court and if they do, they could show the judge i said i made 700k a year and i didn't make that much and was on disability at the time and making only 11k a year. i found out while looking into bankruptcy that it is fraud and i could face prison time.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know what to do anymore other than ending things next month to get out of this situation i put myself in with my aunt, debt, etc. I just can't do it anymore esp without a vehicle. esp since I am bed ridden half of the day here and there due to my bad joints and weight that i have carried around for 30 yrs destroying my joints and causing nerve damage to my right leg. I can't just get up and go on the streets and live on the streets not with how badly im in pain every day esp just walking to the corner store. just a simple walk to the corner store and back and i am bed rested for an entire day barely able to move.
i can't do it anymore...
2024.05.18 21:08 cheexse I don’t know what to do (warning, there’s a bit of ranting)
I can’t qualify for anything other than loans because of my parents. They can’t/won’t fill it out. I am completely lost because I have 3 months before I start, I’ve already paid my $150 deposit and considering on trying to get it back if even possible. Many people are telling me loans are a bad idea. My friend’s mom says I can call FAFSA and get it figured out but they never answer the phone, but I don’t see why they would do anything to help me when everything I’m looking up from them says that I can’t qualify without my parents. I’m not giving up on calling, but I’m pretty damn sure they’re just gonna tell me I can only do loans. I called my college’s advisor and they said the only thing I can do is loans and I’ll need someone to cosign, but I don’t know anyone with good credit and a job. My parents most likely not just have bad credit, but will probably refuse. I hate the thought of owing people, I hate the thought of going into debt, I think I’m better off without college at this rate. Scholarships are so hard to find, they’re all sponsored so everyone is applying to them and it’s just a 1 in however many people sign up chance half the time. I never know what to search up for scholarships in the first place. I am just completely lost and confused and it sucks so if anyone has any clue how I can manage to get aid within a month with all that, thanks in advance. 🤷♀️
submitted by cheexse to FAFSA [link] [comments]
2024.05.18 20:26 No-Committee1817 Critique - Model 3 Performance - Worth the drop in savings?
Hello all,
29yo DINKs, MCOL. NW: ~420k.
HHI: 243,000. Bonus is often 5-8%, but never consider it. Recent income, progressed from 90k income (just me, fresh grad) in 2019 to 243k HHI (wife and I make the same).
Investments including emergency funds, ETFs and 401k: $235,000. Home equity: $184,000 as per Zillow.
Mortgage: $5100 (going up to $5500 with new property tax). $686,000 remaining ( :( ). Love our home, don’t plan to move out for at least 10-15 years.
SUV payment: $811/mo @3.7%, 40k remaining. Plan to keep it forever.
Overall monthly savings: $7000/mo including 401k after all expenses.
Overall monthly savings with the Tesla: $6000/mo.
Question: just test drove a refreshed Model 3 and loved it. So badly want a Model 3 Performance as our second car. Likely payment of approx $850/mo. Looking at our financial details does getting it make any sense? Of course car depreciates but I really do want it. Total auto-debt will end up becoming like $90,000.
We don’t need it. I want it. Don’t wanna wait 3 years for it to be old so I can buy it used. Call it impatience.
submitted by No-Committee1817 to HENRYfinance [link] [comments]
29yo DINKs, MCOL. NW: ~420k.
HHI: 243,000. Bonus is often 5-8%, but never consider it. Recent income, progressed from 90k income (just me, fresh grad) in 2019 to 243k HHI (wife and I make the same).
Investments including emergency funds, ETFs and 401k: $235,000. Home equity: $184,000 as per Zillow.
Mortgage: $5100 (going up to $5500 with new property tax). $686,000 remaining ( :( ). Love our home, don’t plan to move out for at least 10-15 years.
SUV payment: $811/mo @3.7%, 40k remaining. Plan to keep it forever.
Overall monthly savings: $7000/mo including 401k after all expenses.
Overall monthly savings with the Tesla: $6000/mo.
Question: just test drove a refreshed Model 3 and loved it. So badly want a Model 3 Performance as our second car. Likely payment of approx $850/mo. Looking at our financial details does getting it make any sense? Of course car depreciates but I really do want it. Total auto-debt will end up becoming like $90,000.
We don’t need it. I want it. Don’t wanna wait 3 years for it to be old so I can buy it used. Call it impatience.