From Crisis? What Crisis?, 1975
Listen to it here
{1}

Due to shortage of material, production had to be halted at one point so that Davies and Hodgson could write two new songs, one of which was "Ain't Nobody But Me".

Now, I not sure what's the other new song, but why with Lady appearing on concerts before the album's release, it's probably a hold-over from the Crime sessions.
Released as a single to promote the album with You Started Laughing as the B-side, it left very little impact on the charts, but apart from filming a (nowadays very hard to find) music video for it, the band probably wanted to leave the song behind for a bit, as it didn't make it onto Paris nor the first Greatest Hits album (it would appear on Vol.2 & Retrospectacle though).
Lyrically it's a love song, about their ex girlfriend leaving the protagonist and travelling far from them, all they while they plead her to stay.
No, the real star here is the music: it's been said that it is a very similiar song to Dreamer, but a bit funkier; the wurlitzer line is even more prominent, the "little bid sad" part with its horn section and just Roger's delivery in general (I especially like the "Mr, you'd better get a move on" part), and I really, really love the little intro (I think that's a Marimba?): really, it's another very catchy song in the vein of Dreamer, what's not to love? I'll tell you: the outro.
Taking up roughly two minutes, it's the first example of what I like to call The Roger Hodgson extended outro problem™, where literally nothing of interest happens in the song. To be fair, I appreciate those synth lines and the acappella ending, and it's not as bad as what he did on In The Eye Of The Storm (and we'll get there when we get there), but this is a good 1/3 of a song I could do without.
Where that section not present, I'd probably bump this higher: even I feel ashamed at putting Lady at #81, the first three minutes being that strong, but the outro just really sours it for me. I'm sure it has its fans though.
{1} Wikipedia
Index

Friday, May 10 - Thursday, May 16, 2024

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I don’t think I’m right for this, but I just want to hear what y’all think. The day this happened, I missed the bus so I walked to school. The school is a little bit over 2 miles away by foot and takes about 45 minutes to walk there, Sometimes longer because not only am I going up hills and going across crowded streets with 30 pounds of weight to me I’m also morbidly obese so anytime I walk it takes a little bit longer. Thankfully, I’m able to hitch your ride from my mom so she drops me a little bit closer to the school. I’m walking and I enter the school less than one minute before the bell rings. The last time I arrived at a similar time, I ran to class And got there a few seconds early. I didn’t want to run because I could possibly risk bumping into someone or something like that so I decided to fast walk instead. I’m in my teachers hallway when the bell rings. I’m running over to her door, but she closes it when I’m nearly a few feet away. At this point, I’m only a few seconds late. The bell rang when I was a few feet away from the teachers classroom. The teacher eventually opens up the door, but just to tell me that I’m late. She doesn’t even tell me to get a pass or anything and just starts to close the door In my face. This pisses me off because I’m utterly confused and I worked hard to get there that morning. I push the door open telling her, “ Get out of my way bitch”. I then sit in my seat and refuse to leave even when one of the administrators comes in and tells me to go to the office. I don’t believe that I should’ve been required to get a pass or anything because first of all I was a few seconds late and second of all the pass thing For being late to class stopped a while ago. The teacher would mark you late, yes but you wouldn’t have to go get a pass. I don’t see why I should have to leave the room wasting my instruction time to go over and get a pass when you can just mark me late. Anyways, they decide to clear out the room which pisses me off even more. I get upset and panic about possibly losing marching band leadership from it and I dig myself even deeper by throwing stuff around the room. However, I clean everything up. I didn’t hurt anybody physically and apologized to everyone. It was too late. I was suspended for five days. This absolutely devastated me because I was an upstanding student at my school in the top of my class And a principal player in marching band. Being late to class was very rare for me and a few times I would be late to class. It would only be a few seconds late and it was because I have to use the bathroom or something and never because I was skipping. This was my first time receiving discipline at that school after being there for almost 3 years. I lost my chances at leadership And ended up missing concerts and practices in the even worse part was I was the only player of my instrument Both of the bands that were performing that I had to miss out on and I had solo parts. One of my mates struggled during the concert because I wasn’t there to play my part. During the three days I was at home. I was very unstable and harmed myself By ripping hair and beating myself up physically. The crisis line was called to the house, and I Signed up for intensive therapy. Nothing like this had happened for a very long time so naturally, I felt really bad about it and really wanted to make it up as I had tried so hard to be a leader and to be good and everything, but I had ruined it with this event, which was what I believed I thought I had completely destroyed my reputation. I’m autistic and my anger has entered me up in rubber rooms on multiple occasions. It has led to people and animals getting seriously hurt so the fact that I was able to keep it together for so many years Great so when I did that, I felt like I had Ruined everything and lost my motivation. AITA?

So for a while or so I've been playing older Sonic games just to see if they still held up. So far a majority of the games I played were at the very least good with some of the best ones being Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic rush. But something that might be my biggest Sonic hot take ever is that Heroes is one of the worst games in the entire Sonic series(unpopular opinion I know but let me explain myself). And just a heads up this is gonna be a long one because I got a lot to say about this game.
Because this game has a lot of aspects that I don’t like, I'm going to first touch on some aspects I actually like about the game. Even though not every character was written the best I will say some stand out characters I enjoyed are Cream and Omega, especially Omega but I wanna touch on Cream first. Ever since reading the IDW comics I've always had a soft spot for Cream just from how innocent and adorable she was and that sentiment continued with how she was paired with Blaze in Sonic Rush. I was admittedly nervous about how she would be portrayed in Heroes for reasons I'll get into later but she was handled alright. Nothing too groundbreaking but she kept her cute nature and even had some small moments of sass which was nice. The real star of the show was E-123 Omega. He really only has one thing on his mind with destroying Eggman and doesn’t really go through any sort of character arc, but that’s fine with me because the dude’s funny as hell with how aggressive and angry he is. He doesn’t have much of a face or eyes that are able to emote but you can still tell exactly what he’s thinking. I can’t explain why but every piece of dialogue that comes out of his…mouth?....speakers?...is hysterical. From “ANNIHILATE” to “USELESS CONSUMER MODELS” even down to when he says “GOOD” every time you pop an item box or balloon every quote is comedy gold with how monotone his voice is. The chemistry each team has with each other is nice to watch since from their dialogue you can tell that these trios have known each other for a while, are good friends with one another, or in Team Dark’s case just work friends(but their banter is still entertaining with how Omega keeps telling them to stay focused). And the music is good but as a Sonic fan that’s par for the course at this point. What I’m Made Of is a stand out banger for me.
But unfortunately that’s where all the positives end as we move into the negatives with one of the biggest being the physics of the game being poorly optimized. Throughout my playthrough I have run into so many bugs or victims of poor game design that I’ve lost count. But over half of my deaths have been due to the fact that there are no invisible walls to act as safety nets for players incase they misclick or even do something as simple as do a homing attack or perform a 3 hit combo with a power character, the latter happening way too often because power characters are the most reliable way to deal with enemies. Enemies bumping you are also a common way to die but not because of running out or rings, but because of the lack of walls keeping you on the platforms. Speaking of the homing attack, with how the movement physics work with speed characters I never use them because they end up being too slippery to control with instances where it feels like I'm fighting for control just so I can move forward in a straight line or hit a boost pad on a loop. The Light Speed Dash works whenever it feels like it and there’s no way to aim the homing attack so you pretty much have to press A twice and pray that rn-Jesus does you nice, otherwise you’re falling down a pit like you’re Scrooge McDuck diving into a vault of gold coins. And remember how I said enemies bumping you off cliffs was a common way to die? Well they can also just combo you for free because this game has no invincibility frames meaning you can get hit once and then instantly die if you or one of your teammates doesn’t pick up a ring right after being hit. This is especially apparent in horde fights like Robot Storm where you can get easily swarmed. And a staple mechanic from Sonic Adventure 2 that was butchered in this followup was the rail grinding. It was super fun to build up speed by balancing and crouching but now you just mash B with any real sense of speed being from a speed character. And heaven forbid you decided to grind rail with a flight character unless you like sliding at the speed of a snail, but you might wanna do that anyway to be save because if you switch rails the game doesn’t magnetize your character to it risking you to just shoot yourself off the map just for swapping rails or getting off of a rail.
Another awful aspect with the game is the team mechanic itself. It’s an interesting idea on paper to be able to swap between 3 characters to perform different actions based on what the level throws at you. But the problem with that is not every formation is balanced. The flying formation is awful in every way. The totem formation itself looks weird and looks especially janky with how it looks when going off a set of springs or going through a dash panel loop. How it controls itself makes absolutely no sense either; you jump and jump again to fly which drains a meter, which makes sense since Tails worked in a similar way back in Sonic 2 and still works like that in every other 2D classic style game. But I didn’t learn until the last story that the gauge only drains if you move forwards and won’t drain if you don’t move forward which not only makes no sense but doesn’t work like that in Sonic 2 at all. And whenever the meter runs out you might think that you would just glide down to the floor right? No. Instead the game halts all of your momentum and has you fall straight down like a boulder making flying based platforming impossible which was not the case in Sonic 2. And for some reason there’s a limit for how high you can go even though there’s already a limit you can fly for. Wanna know what game allows you to fly as long as you want until you run out of stamina? SONIC FUCKING 2 ON THE SEGA GENESIS/MEGA DRIVE. Sonic Heroes not only came out 10 years after Sonic 2 but was released on more powerful consoles so I'm baffled that they didn’t even try to make any of this shit work in any similar fashion. And this gets even worse for Sonic Heroes because you know how I just described how they would have improved the flying mechanics in Sonic Heroes? Well it WORKS EXACTLY HOW I JUST EXPLAINED IN SONIC ADVENTURE FOR THE THE DREAMCAST 1999. What the hell were they thinking with this!? This makes absolutely no fucking sense. And the Thunder Shoot attack? It doesn’t do much except paralyze enemies and hit targets meant to help you move forward in levels. Except it only does one of these things correctly since the game doesn’t auto target the targets meaning 90% of the time you’ll be constantly throwing your teammates into the ether while missing entirely as you try again and again to change your angle to hit the target just so you can move on with the average 10 minute level. And the switches you’re meant to pull are janky in their own right but the switches you have to fly for are the worst since no matter how close you get to that switch the game won’t register what you’re trying to do which is annoying as balls. And as the finishing touch all flying character have no differences in gameplay despite slight animations and apparently they have this unique attack they can do if they don’t have party members to throw with Thunder Shoot by pressing B again...but the game doesn’t tell you that and even knew that you’ll never see it in practice because if you toss a teammate with Thunder Shoot they’ll come back almost instantly.
And the biggest failure is that you can no longer spin dash in this game. It’s no big deal, it’s not like they removed one of Sonic’s most essential moves in his arsenal that was present all the way from Sonic 2 and was even in Sonic Adventure 1 and 2, useless crap like that. Instead you have to use the stupid Rocket Accel which can’t be activated instantly like the spin dash with instead having the player get a running start to have your teammate boost you forward that doesn’t go as far as the spin dash in Sonic Adventure 1 and 2. It’s an alright concept that would be fine to keep if the spin dash remained in the game and not replaced with some trash faker that doesn’t hold up to the original. Which leaves us with the power formation which is the best formation by far but not by much. Power is the easiest one to control since it allows you to properly control your character at a moderate speed, a novel concept I know. But combo attacks that involve the character moving forward in a short burst are risky to use since you could wind up pushing yourself off the map which happens way more often than you’d think and more often than it should. And because they have to share data with all the playable teams they away Knuckles’ ability to climb walls in favor of a tacky looking team glide for platforming just like they took away the Spin Dash.
Another team related mechanic the game introduces is something called the “Team Blast” which has a gauge fill up every time you deal damage to enemies or collect rings no matter how you collect said rings(remember this for later). When a team gauge is filled you can perform a Team Blast by pressing Z that acts as a screen wipe that clears almost every enemy on screen. I say almost because it doesn’t really remove every enemy on screen because some doof over at Sonic Team thought it would be a good idea to give an ultimate attack that’s meant to wipe out all enemies on screen with a limited range, which is smaller than you’d think by the way. Each Team Blast has their own special effect that appears for around 10 seconds after the attack is used which i’ll be talking about when I talk about each team on their own but know that after Team Sonic’s Team Blast Sonic will be able to use the Light Speed Attack from Adventure 1 and 2…but that’s useless when you’re able to still fight as Knuckles and it fucks up your Thunder Shoot when attacking bosses.
And the next fancy mechanic they try adding in is the new level system. And I hate this system so much. The idea of the level system is that your character starts off dealing an ok amount of damage but can get stronger the more you level up by collecting orbs that can drop from enemies. Speed characters get a stronger spin dash, flight characters get a stronger Thunder Shoot, and power characters get stronger combo enders. The problem is that in terms of combat no Sonic game has ever worked like this. For the most part every enemy in a Sonic game that came out before and after Heroes is able to be one shot by a simple jump, roll, spin dash, homing attack, mech shot, boost or punch with the only exceptions I can name off the top of my head being Sonic Rush, Sonic Unleashed’s night stages, and Sonic Frontiers. But those 3 examples are excusable since with Rush it’s only one enemy that has more than 1 HP that doesn’t spawn often and with the other 2 being based more on combat than speeding through levels as fast as possible. Your team will only be satisfying to play after everyone as at the maximum level of level 3 which can be difficult to do since whichever orbs enemies drop when defeated are not only random for when exactly they’ll drop but it’s also completely random who the level up is meant for. Imagine needing to level up your power character to get through a large horde of enemies but instead all the levels go to the other 2 teammates that are virtually useless in a fight. “Ah dammit, I needed a power orb to get to level 2…ah well might as well give my other teammates their 50th orb of the fight.” The only ways to get guaranteed levels for a certain character is with certain item boxes and balloons scattered throughout the level and with checkpoints but the latter only works for the character leading the formation when touching the checkpoint, not to mention they’re single use only. And say you grinded all those levels so you can blitz through this level, guess what, if you die all of your levels get reset and it doesn’t matter if you only lose a life or game over. And i’ve made it very clear how easy it is to unintentionally kill yourself in this game.
Something else that isn’t properly explained is the hidden difficulty system. The problem is that each team campaign has a hidden difficulty system but the game doesn’t tell you that at all unless you want to willingly listen to Omochao(note that I played the tutorial and afterwards I actively avoided his tips on the main menu). The difficulty from easy to hard is Teams Rose, Sonic, Dark, and Chaotix being a gimmick team but the game orders them from Sonic, Dark, Rose, Chaotix which is bad game design because not only are people gonna wanna play as the main character Sonic the Hedgehog, but with how the stories are laid out players would instinctively play from left to right causing them to play the game on normal, hard, easy, and then gimmick which doesn’t make too much sense. I knew the difficulty levels before going in but I played in order of Sonic, Rose, Dark, Chaotix because I like Sonic as a character. But what I wasn’t prepared for is that this game is kinda hard even on the normal difficulty because the game is full of jank that can just kill you for playing the game as intended.
But now for Team Rose and Team Dark. Team Rose is so piss easy that it’s insulting for players who are well affirmed with the series. For one they force you to play the tutorial even after you’ve completed a story previously. Which btw this is the most bullshit tutorial in the history of gaming. Most games have pop ups with button commands and visuals to help the player out or they let the player figure things out themselves. Sonic Heroes does neither of these but instead have this little annoying ass robotic fuck hold your hand throughout the entire thing. What makes this worse is that every time he pops up to tell you what to do your character is stuck in place as you gotta wait for him to shut up so you can play the game only for you to be stopped by his rambling again and again and again until it’s finally over. And most of the skills players can learn on their own since it’s not that hard to just press a random button and get immediate feedback of “oh this button does this? cool beans''. Their moveset is also broken with Amy’s tornado attack being a moving projectile meaning you don’t have to willingly get in contact with the enemy in order to use it, Big having a combo that doesn’t have him move so he can’t fall off the map along with a broken belly flop that’s good for not only combat but weirdly enough platforming, and Cream…she’s just the flier. Their Team Blast is just a win button for no good reason. Not only does it give all of your teammates a free level, not only does it give your team a shield, but it makes your entire team INVINCIBLE. Ok game I get it, stop treating me like a baby. And the finishing touch is that all the levels are cut in half. Awesome. Setting up unrealistic expectations for newcomers and disrespecting older players in one foul swoop.
And then there’s Team Dark…oh Team Dark…when they said this was the “hard” mode they were lying. Because it should’ve been called “kaizo” mode. Enemies are everywhere including places they shouldn’t be, the amount of rings available is greatly reduced, And the bosses become borderline impossible to beat at times(except for the rival fights but we’ll get to that). And not only are there more enemies but the stronger variants of said enemies spawn more frequently. And you’d think their Team Blast would make things better, well yes and no but here’s why. Their Team Blast freezes time completely and I mean completely. Rings don’t spin, projectiles don’t move, even the timer doesn’t tick down. But the most annoying part is if you’re using your Team Blast to try and move forward the puzzles are stuck in time too until the gauge runs out so you gotta sit and wait to move on. And even after you move on the game will probably toss 3 giant armored robots at you at once that fight like mini-bosses(if you know you know) immediately after your Team Blast just ran out.
But before I talk about the final team with Team Chaotix I wanna talk about the level design! Yippee! Except not really because it’s all terrible. The locations and themes are unique in their own right but each level suffers from their own issues coupled with all the bugs that can kill you outright without the player having any time to think about what just happened. Ignoring the main bugs, Seaside Hill and Ocean Palace are fine first levels in all honesty. Power Plant’s elevator section is long and tedious and it’s worse if you have a character than use the Light Speed Dash along with a super stressful rising lava section that you gotta hurry up to climb or else you’re dead. But oooh nooo it’s not that easy because the lava moves faster along with the player which means if you’re too slow, you die and if you’re too fast…you die. Casino Park and Bingo Highway have pinball mechanics that will leave you stuck in one of the tables forever unless you’re a pinball god or just lucky. And we just love games marketed at children that encourage gambling addictions, especially if said gambling minigames are rng. Rail Canyon and Bullet Station rely entirely on rails which don’t work properly as I said before and Bullet Station in particular has a cannon that’s supposed to shoot you onto another rail track but in actuality it fires you straight into the death zone if you’re unaware about this and hold forward…and because it’s a Sonic the Hedgehog game you’re gonna do that. “Gotta go fast” and all that. Frog Forest and Lost Jungle have flying flowers that are so jittery they’re impossible to control, swinging vines with an awkward timing window, and it ends on a chase sequence against a giant crocodile that relies on the janky vines that last way too long. Hang Castle and Mystic Mansion are puzzle-filled mazes with ghost enemies that show up at the worst of times to jumpscare you…which is all the time, and everything else(we all know these levels sucks moving on). Egg Fleet and Final Fortress have tons of bullshit cannons that can home in on you, can snipe you out of the air which can hit you out of a platforming segment and send you falling to your death, crumbling floors, everything’s in the sky so there’s almost no floor to stand on, and rails. The worst part about it all is that all 4 campaign’s use the same exact 14 levels. You heard me right. ALL 4 CAMPAIGNS USE THE EXACT SAME LEVELS. Sonic Adventure 2 had 2 campaigns with levels that heavily differed from each other one way or another. Each campaign has either a speed level, a treasure level, or a mech level and even then it’s not equal to how many levels each type of level gets and each level has a different setting and music track. Rush is the one case I can think of where the campaigns had minor differences. Only thing is that those differences are huge. The levels are the same but they’re in a different order for Sonic and Blaze, Blaze plays completely differently from Sonic, Blaze gets her own music tracks, and Sonic has to use special stages to get the Chaos Emeralds while Blaze doesn’t need any to get the Sol Emeralds. And at the end of every other stage you gotta face off against-
Bosses! They all suck for different reasons. The mech fights boil down to mashing homing attacks like it’s a Mario Party minigame, the rival team fights are a joke, and the horde fights…oh my god the horde fights. I’m just gonna rip the band-aid off here. ROBOT. FUCKING. STORM. This is not only the worst “level” in Sonic Heroes but the worst boss fight out of any Sonic game I have ever played. Team Sonic’s is hard enough as is, Team Rose’s is a pushover(as is every boss in their campaign really), Team Chaotix…we’ll get to them later. But Team Dark’s has to be the boss fight that throws the bullshit at you. Don’t believe me well then let’s see here, we got; a long robot gauntlet that feels like it takes years to get over with, more enemies that spawn with a lot of them being the stronger variants of the enemies we’ve already be accustomed to, multiple giant hammer wielding robots paired with either robots that heal them or robots that sap all your rings which because it’s a Sonic game it’s basically life steal, and because this game was programmed with monkeys holding hammers the enemies will constantly knock your ass off the map and there is NOTHING you can do about it except pray. Pray to rn-Jesus that you can make it out alive with what little sanity is left in your body. And after all that Eggman has the balls to say what I'd call the worst line in any Sonic game, “Don’t get too excited boys! Those were the easy ones!”. It’s genuinely unbelievable that such a level exists. This was marketed towards kids. How is fucking little Casey who just got Sonic Heroes as their first video game gonna beat this shit? He’s not. Because the developers didn’t think about that just like they didn’t think about anything in this game except making a “fun” gimmick. But that’s not all. Because there’s one more boss...
Egg Emperor…and the bullshit continues. I definitely know what true evil is when facing this boss all right. The fight consists of running across a few platforms before making your way over to a bigger arena. The boss only has 3 attacks but 2 of them are what make this boss a slog to get through. He can fire energy waves by swinging his lance like he’s Cloud Strife and a charge attack that has no weaknesses that the game says activates whenever you’re too far from him. Because this is a Sonic game I figured that meant he can only charge if you’re too slow, but if you manage to run ahead of him he’ll charge anyway. But if you get too close to him you could risk either getting hit by a lance beam or by his massive hurtbox. And you might be thinking “why don’t you homing attack the body at that point?” and that’s because he has a shield that blocks all attacks and it’s only worth attacking his body after the second part of the fight where you go to that arena section. In the arena section you have to destroy some cannons and defeat some enemies before getting to the big man himself. You can make him drop his shield by using Thunder Shoot and follow up with your Power character but you probably wouldn’t do as much damage as you were hoping for since in order to do any real damage you’ll have to level your Power character up to level 3 which could take forever in this fight. After a certain amount of time the boss will flee causing you to chase after him again and repeat the boss cycle. But don’t go too fast because then you’ll wind up smacking right into his body or he’ll swat you out the air like a fly with a lance beam attack. And you can’t go too slow or else he’ll just charge at you which if he does it at the wrong time he can intercept your approach and boop you off the map meaning you’ll be dead. And if you thought that was enough, because the developers don’t know how to properly make things different between campaigns you have to fight this motherfucker 4 SEPARATE TIMES. And it doesn’t matter what campaign you go through because you’ll always have a tough time regardless of difficulty. I know it’s the final boss and that it’s meant to be a challenge but holy shit tone it down, there’s kids playing this shit.
And the last campaign involves Team Chaotix and they’re by far my favorite team to play as…and they still have problems. Instead of going through levels the same way you did 3 separate times already it instead focuses on missions. And I have mixed feelings about this. It’s great because it finally keeps things fresh and gives the player another way to experience the game that isn’t platforming focused. The problem is the fact that it’s still the same levels, levels that were meant for an action platformer instead of things finding an x amount of…I don’t know seashells. While the treasure hunting stages were my least favorite aspect of Sonic Adventure 2 they at least did a better job with the concept than some of the collecting missions in Heroes since the maps are built specifically for this kind of gameplay and there was at least a tracker telling you if you were going in the right direction. The Chaotix has you searching through levels you’re meant to speed through while not giving you any sort of tracker to tell you if you’re in the right direction. The Casino Park one in particular was the worst one because of the instructions: “Win 200 Rings!”. Anyone who sees this probably assumes they mean to use the slot machines since we’re a casino level with slot machines built into the pinball tables. But the thing is you can easily just collect 200 rings by playing the stage. But the game doesn’t say collect 200 rings, it says win 200 rings which is the dumbest piece of misinformation in this game and that’s saying something since this game loves to withhold information from the player for no reason. Like did you know you can fire your Thunder Shoot at nothing to charge your team gauge? Or that even though the game says to use a Speed character’s tornado to deal with shield enemies Power characters can punch right through them no problem? You probably didn’t because the game doesn’t tell you this. Anyway the stealth missions are the best ones because Espio’s invisibility is broken. And their Team Blast causes any enemy destroyed to turn into rings and for the duration of the meter any enemy destroyed turns into rings. This is the most broken move in the game. Why? Well remember when I said that the Team Gauge charges from attacking enemies and collecting rings? Well the game counts any rings collected towards the meter. Meaning if you destroy enough enemies at once with this attack you can immediately get your gauge back to repeatedly use again and again. It’s such an easy exploit to pull off that I'm not even surprised that this was left unchecked in all honesty. It even makes the dreaded Robot Storm look like a joke.
So that’s it. You beat all the 4 campaigns and you’d think that it’s time for the usual last story, right?...right? Well unfortunately special stages make a return and with that the 7 Chaos Emeralds. And this is by far the worst one. In the past special stages were unlocked by method of holding at least 50 rings until the end of the stage and jumping into a warp ring in Sonic 1 or holding at least 50 rings and jumping into a star post in Sonic 2 or by jumping into a giant warp ring hidden in the level in Sonic 3 & Knuckles. Sonic Heroes decided they wanna be a bit quirky in a horrible way. In order to access the special stages in this game you have to collect a key hidden in the stage and bring that key with you until the end of the level or mission in order to unlock the special stages and collect the Emeralds…there’s so much wrong with this…Not only is it already easy for the game to send your ass to the shadow realm for existing but if you get hit and lose your key it doesn’t just fall out like rings do, it disappears completely meaning you’ll have to reload at a checkpoint or worse, restart the entire level every single time you get hit. And after you get through that bullshit we get to the special stage itself…if you’ve played this game you already know what’s up. The special stage acts similarly to the half pipe in Sonic 2 but except it’s a full enclosed pipe you run around in. The goal is to collect orbs to fill your boost meter and speed ahead to catch the emerald. It sounds very simple but remember, this game was coded by monkeys with hammers so the physics don’t function. Your character will constantly jitter around while moving making positioning yourself impossible when trying to collect the orbs. You have to pick between a Power or Speed character because Flight characters are too slow to do anything but even then you’re picking your poison. Do you wanna control your character better at the cost of speed or do you wanna go fast in order to get the emerald quickly at the cost of controlling your character? ‘Cause that’s exactly what it feels like. And I'm still not done because each Emerald is locked into every other stage. Sonic 1, 2, and 3 & Knuckles allows you to get the Emeralds as easy as the first 2 or 3 zones if you know what you’re doing. If you miss an emerald in one of the few stages they appear in you’ll have to repeat the level and do everything I just explained ALL OVER AGAIN. WHAT KIND OF COLLECTOR HATING SADISTIC BASTARD THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA WHEN THE EMERALDS ARE REQUIRED TO BEAT ALL OF THE STORY!? Before going in I knew how bad the special stages were while being blissfully unaware how bad the unlock requirements were so I used save states(yes I used an emulator) to collect the emeralds in a timely fashion. Not only did this end up taking longer than expected even with save states but I was forced to keep using them for every time I got hit, sent off the stage, or missed the Emerald causing my save file to corrupt and erase all my data. Which caused the auto save to fail and use exclusively save states to progress. And let me tell you, nothing’s scarier than booting up the game and discovering all of your save data has been completely erased even after you completed 2 campaigns previously.
Before I get into the last couple topics of discussion I'll touch on some minor things that don’t warrant their own paragraph individually. The voice acting is hit or miss with stand outs like Omega and Sonic and then there’s instances of some of the worst voice acting in the series with Tails where they deadass brought an 8 year old to voice the character. “Look at all those Eggman’s robots!”. But it gets weirder since Cream was voiced by an actual voice actress and Charmy was voiced by a teenager. Doesn’t help that the game has the characters not stop talking for every single damn action in the game. It’s the same cheesy lines for the entire playthrough. The game looks ugly with the admittedly improved models having textures that look like they’re plastic toys ready to be sold in some Walmart or Target. The pre rendered cutscenes might be revolutionary at the time but are horribly dated by today’s standards and the in game cutscenes that start at the beginning of boss fights and levels look extremely jittery and stiff with characters’ arms flailing to move into position, Omega’s eyes constantly bugging out, and the camera repeatedly having a stroke. Some assets feel like they are copy/pasted and slapped onto characters that don’t make sense. Omega and Big share the same aura color along with Espio and Sonic sharing the same aura color, purple and blue respectively. Omega’s triple glide animation looks exactly like Knuckles’ even though he could’ve been animated to use his thrusters. Rouge has a weird outfit change that is never used again. Some might think that it could be for censorship reasons but her chest is still exposed through a cleavage slit in the outfit which makes me wonder why they even bothered to change it. Plus her pink eyeshadow is less aesthetically pleasing than her iconic bright blue. It’s unclear if all the teams are doing everything at the same exact time or not making things really confusing.The way the characters are written are all over the place with a mixed bag across the board. Team Dark’s great as characters but then you have Tails who’s portrayed to act like some scaredy baby and Amy who’s been turned into a hyper thirsty yandere that’s willing to beat Sonic into marrying her. But all of that is nothing compared to how dirty they did Shadow.
Every team has their own mini story that drives their plot forwards; Team Sonic has to find and defeat Eggman, Team Rose is looking for their lost friends, Team Chaotix is tryna get the bread, and Omega, specifically Omega, is out to look for Eggman for revenge for locking him in a vault. Shadow though…ok first off, why is he here? He literally sacrificed himself to save the planet Earth from the space colony Ark with characters honoring said sacrifice and mourning his death, Sonic included…But then they decided to bring him back along with amnesia and a clone side story that makes him question who he is. The clone story is the dumbest shit in this entire damn game. As if it wasn’t enough to make him forget all the events of Sonic Adventure 2, which can kinda make sense if he was sent into a coma after crashing on Earth. But now he has to go through some midlife crisis level shit to try and figure out his past and if he’s even real, which spoiler alert: this game doesn’t resolve either plot point. These points were further developed and resolved by the next game; Shadow the Hedgehog which wasn’t the best game by all means but it gave more of a fuck to have a concrete story than Heroes ever did. And what’s worse is if the clones were gonna be brought up again in Shadow the Hedgehog and then be resolved in that same game then what the fuck was the point of doing any of this shit in Heroes!? All that did was leave Shadow’s story on a cliffhanger that accomplished nothing but made fans confused and left them with unanswered questions for 2 years until Shadow the Hedgehog came out.
But finally, after collecting all 7 Chaos Emeralds and beating all 4 Team campaigns you’re rewarded with the Last Story which reveals that Metal Sonic was the real mastermind behind everything that happened in the game so he can copy everyone’s data and assume a powerful new form…that takes way too long to transform into…with Metal Overlord…just to beat Sonic. Not even world domination, just to beat Sonic. While his dedication is admirable it’s a really shallow goal. Plus the buildup towards him being the main big bad isn’t handled as well as it could’ve been. All we get are a background element that people would miss if they’re too focused on just beating the level, an extra animation at the end of a boss cutscene that only appears for Team Sonic and Shadow’s story, and a few lines of dialogue from Team Chaotix’s “client” that makes it clear that it’s Eggman. But it would’ve been better to actually know how all of this happened in the first place. Metal Sonic shows up as Neo Metal Sonic as the first time we see him in this game with no explanation as to how he got this form or how he found out he can copy others’ abilities. Not even a cutscene or backstory from Eggman in the final story, instead he just complains about how they can’t defeat him without the Chaos Emeralds. Without prior knowledge I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking that Metal Sonic just got a redesign since he hadn't made an appearance in the Adventure era at that time. How cool would it have been to have been given cutscenes showing us Metal Sonic twisting and contorting his body to not only show how he managed to do this in the first place but how far he’s willing to go to beat Sonic without spoiling the final form to leave the audience in suspense before the final act? And him not revealing that he copied Team Rose and Team Chaotix data kinda comes off as him not recognizing their strengths and calling them too weak to copy from, even if he didn’t say so himself. The segment where the teams do their best to weaken Metal Madness for Team Sonic is fine enough except the coding monkeys did it again and made it so that Flying characters can’t do any damage. But then there’s the final battle with Super Team Sonic…Team Super Sonic…uh…a Chaos Emerald powered Team Sonic. Admittedly the fight is really cool with Metal Overlord chucking entire battleships at the player and talking about how he believes he’s the real Sonic as What I’m Made Of blasts in the background. But there’s 2 major things that bring this fight down for me. Sonic Adventure 2 did a similar sequence of the cast of characters help Sonic and Shadow go super and defeat the big bad. Only difference being the buildup was more elaborate and the stakes were higher as if they failed the entire planet was at stake along with the presentation of the final fight being better in every way. One fight takes place in outer space while the other takes place in the sky a vague height above the ground. And most insulting of all they robbed us of bringing back Super Knuckles and Super Tails. This might’ve been because of the retcon of super forms only being possible with male hedgehogs but that was a massive missed opportunity. And after the fight is done Sonic drops one of the corniest one liners in the franchise, the 5th set of unskippable credits scrolls on screen, and the game tells you to do everything again but get to A ranks this time as one final fuck you.
In conclusion the game had a lot of…interesting ideas to say the least in terms of mixing up the Sonic formula. Unfortunately they used too much gas when trying to cook and sent the entire dish ablaze. I think if they let this game simmer a bit more and took at least a year to iron out all the bugs and mishaps since this game was developed in 20 months. As a comparison Sonic Adventure 2 took 18 months to develop and was still better. And while I've made comparisons to past Sonic games I wanna make it clear that I am aware of the flaws those other games have. After all, nothing is perfect. But Sonic Team at least could’ve made sure that their game was worth it in spite of these flaws by tweaking some game mechanics to make them more fun. And feel free to say why you’d think this game is peak Sonic. Alright that’s all, thanks for reading this far and have a fantastic day.

Foreword
Greetings, dear reader & thank you for purchasing this plain manuscript from your local merchant. If you stole this book then that is acceptable also.
For you see, this first edition treatise & any surviving copy about our known world is unique in that they are both visually & textually dissimilar. That said, it is a condensed & experimental foray into small unit tactics that aims to adapt to changing conditions.
If you have mastered the material, you will learn from the experiences of The Gauntlet mercenary group over the entirety of its history based on applicable proven strategies.
If you wish to seek me out for further clarification as I write the labor over polish the second edition, please see me at my office in the Hejsted old city.
Sincerely & always at your service, Alfred the Learned, Historian / Companion of glorious The Gauntlet

Chapter 1: Founding The Company
To start any enterprise is a harrowing affair. To start a mercenary company that risks lives for both revenue, and hopefully, positive profit flow is a terrible undertaking. From this Chapter & onward, I will guide you through the complex mechanics needed in reducing risk with the power of a variety of strategies both in & out of battle.
The rest is honestly random chance with a lot of luck. For example, a fellow warrior in the fighting line could have been a sword master or hedge knight with the latter especially having had actual battle experience in addition to much training.
Perhaps some divine blessings could win a battle or make your venture profitable? That is if you believe this last sort of thing? In any case, mere skill and prior experience means little when you miss a sword swing or crossbow shot at critical moments. Then you bleed out because a goblin shot you in the head with an arrow.
Things happen.
Basically, battles are rather chaotic. Random chances in addition to all sorts of factors may still end a company.
As a former mercenary of two different war bands, I do not depend on a benevolent ethereal deity or 2 or more of such drivel. If you just happen to be a cultist who worships Davkul, please do not visit me or send me letters. Davkul cultists are rather insane!
That said, if you believe you have both the gold crowns or courage to assume the role of the founder & original leader, you must keep in mind that our known world is mostly unexplored & quite small. The ability to both read, make then update, & properly use maps helps immensely. Because you are a leader, you can either learn or have learned such map skills or simply hire a battle brother who can.
Obviously, being able to use maps & knowing at least basic cartography would save money, but not everyone can do so. Delegation is key. Finally, lacking maps makes path-finding & exploration too much of a gamble when departing from roads. Getting lost often leads to ruin, but we will cover that in another Chapter.
As for the matter of needing gold, I will cover that major issue in the Finances Chapter, which is after I teach you about the basics of traveling outside of cities. Almost always, you must leave towns & cities to complete contracts so I stress the importance of thoroughly reading Chapter 2 & 3 before advancing to the critical knowledge I humbly provide about managing money especially during a Crisis in Chapter 4.
Now about leadership itself. From my experience as a hired sword for The Gauntlet, it seems to be an innate trait for some & a trained skill for others. If you are somehow lucky enough to enter this dangerous world a natural leader that is most wonderful. I applaud you. However, it takes true diligence & perhaps a sprinkling of various factors, such as hard work & real world experience, to survive on the front lines as a leader. Though I have noted it is possible to lead from the back lines far away from actual skirmishing like with our founder / leader Ragnar.
The key is to understand that leadership skills are vitally important to the daily management of a mercenary business. Our still surviving captain, though he hated titles asking us to only call him by name, started as an amateur. I am happy to say he eventually retired, but will talk about that later towards the end of this treatise demonstrating it is possible to command others against horrors like orc warlords to eventually retire comfortably.
With that related, I will regale you with anecdotes to close out this initial chapter. The Gauntlet happened because of a series of mishaps. We had survived a horrible grand melee fighting the infamous Hoggart the Weasel. Ragnar, Helfrich, Lothar, & I worked together in another band. We signed on to kill Hoggart after negotiating with a village elder. We were the only survivors out of sheer tenacity really.
In that terrible ordeal, Ragnar became permanently injured. He was useless in a real fight thereafter. Anyway, Hoggart fled leaving his men behind living up to his moniker. As the adrenaline left our system in the aftermath, we surveyed the crimson tainted field not quite knowing what to do. Uncertainty hung heavy in the air. Corpses, armor, & implements of war littered the area. Standing there glad to be alive, we elected Ragnar the reluctant captain of The Gauntlet.
Then there is poor Egil. We fought with him in the initial 10 or so days after we reformed with Ragnar at the head. Egil perished; ripped to shreds by a Direwolf. That poor rookie only lasted 4 days. The poor bastard.
Brothers & sisters get hired then perhaps get dismissed, retire, or simply die an early death in some horrific manner like the aforementioned Egil. His story of courageous sacrifice illustrates a major truth: death is truly an inevitability.
When your job is risking life & limb, you must be cautious. Controlling risk while deciding whether it is worth it is the entire point of this manual. All in all, it's risk vs. reward.
Ultimately, bad things occur. Training certainly helps. However, education is very important. Constant learning to eventually minimize mistakes aids you even more!
Remember: this is a business. It is not a charity.
Next Chapter, I shall expound on the importance of long term thinking focusing on Finances.

Chapter 2: Finances, The Downfall of Black Crow Balthasar, & Related Tales
The Gauntlet usually ran its finances poorly. That must be said early to lower your expectations as only the best commanders end up with well-run financials in their company.
The following really did happen, I swear... “GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, YARIK!” The leader barked from the rear with no effect. “Rally!”
Then the bannerman raised our flag and, with voice booming, summoned forth his gift: “To the colors! To me, my Brothers of War & Honor!”
Despite that, the spectres kept coming with their horrible wails of nightmares real and imagined. We sometimes whispered of geists around the campfire hoping never to meet them. Too bad.
Unfortunately, Bertram the Lieutenant succumbed to his wounds from the horrific melee. A Fallen Hero got the best of the old lad & slew him with a heavy strike from his zweihander. Our former comrade arose moments after the kiss of Death. Dotted and splotched on his scale armor were bits of blood & ichor. Bertram the Dead groaned. We were shocked as we cowered behind our shield wall.
The sun shone down but hated us. And in a bit of shade from passing clouds above, our former brother became our enemy...
"Such a waste of coin and training," our passive leader later said.
In any company, mercenaries come & go, die, or hopefully retire with some crowns. Mostly they die or get maimed beyond belief. Our commander once let a fellow with a collapsed lung stay in our fighting line. Berthold ate a raider’s pike ending his suffering because he forgot his helmet. It’s a pity really.
Such stories are common and often true. In my expert opinion, the only false ones include tales of geese that lay gold crowns each day. Rubbish.
In any case, the big question is “How do you make a profit?” That is hard to answer besides the obvious, which are payouts from contracts & selling loot from the battlefield. While we certainly are not merchants, it is a good practice to buy trade goods at low prices, transport them to a citadel or city, and offload it all for a pretty pile of coin.
However, now don't get me wrong, merchants with caravan guards have made plenty of crowns playing mercenary and trader. Heavens, I know a caravan master who regularly buys loaves of bread to trade in the city at a slight profit.
Then, though I scoff at the lunacy of this strategy, we have “the dagger party.” The joke goes that there is a “dagger party & you’re all invited.”
The downfall and demise of Black Balthasar, also known as the Black Crow, was a mighty bandit boss. Was. Allow me, dear reader, to recount the glorious tale...
We had tracked the bandit king, or so he styled himself, to a crumbled keep out in the Eastingvale woods passing by a band of mercenaries, The Whistling Arrows, who were caught up in a grand melee with some raiders. Ragnar advised us not to join in the brawl and so we instead followed tracks and other signs for 2 days before coming upon the patchwork fort of Balthasar. Bossing about his minions, the thug king was battle ready dressed in fine lamellar and quite a sturdy helmet. He had a kite shield, a stolen knight's faded crest still on its face, and the most expensive sword I've ever seen that was a true work of art and deadly too. Balthasar clearly robbed a nobleman for his sword... and it appeared his snakeskin boots too.
In any case, we readied ourselves and Ragnar gave a fine speech:
"Today we fight not as men or scoundrels, yes that means you Lothar you bastard, but we fight as Brothers. We of The Gauntlet are the finest mercenaries in the land and shall reign victorious over these two bit thugs. Steel yourselves, friends, and let's get into the thick of it. Make it loud and fatal!"
The Gauntlet cheered at that and so we advanced into The Eastingvale...
At Balthasar's crumbling battlements, we met them in a magnificent battle that included puddles of blood, broken implements and armor, & nine of our initial company dead with only three in the reserves. Ultimately, the first skirmish ended in failure with our Bannerman struck down but alive with brain damage, which was rather fortunate somehow... He was braver but quite... slow.
In the rejoined brawl, we advanced back in with six battle brothers with partially scuffed, blood-flecked arms & armor with Ragnar in rear guard as our commander.
Balthasar had lived from the initial foray & came out bellowing taunts. We ignored him as we formed a shield wall then edged in. Arrows rained down from bandit marksmen with simultaneously thrown weapons that weighed heavy on the frontline. Javelins & axes protruded from the interlocked shields, some kites and some basic round ones, as we kept a steady pace forward.
The first to fall was a southern merc, Hakim, who hailed from the grand oasis city of Karrakan. The Gilder, so the believers say, blessed Hakim with a strong physique. He was a pit fighter having fought in the tainted killing fields of The Arena.
He ate a hooked blade to the noggin. Shit happens.
We had cut a swath through the bandit ranks with only Balthasar the Crow remaining while he hefted his looted nobleman's war sword. The Crow struck down our already learning impaired Bannerman as our morale started to break.
A lucky hit with an arming sword to the head made The Crow reconsider his life decisions. He began to rout. We rushed in for the opportunity as our vengefully driven sellswords surrounded him, menacing him with drawn daggers.
And so Balthasar was no more; shanked into oblivion.

Chapter 3: On Contracts, Camp Followers, & More
On the matter of contracts, it is vital to any company to be able to find rewarding ones that are not too risky for it is a problem, a major one at that, when a merc is rigorously trained in the heat of battle & given great gear only to eat a pike in the throat.
Never take contracts too risky for your crew. Never agree to travel across half the known godforsaken world to deliver a little package for a burgher or nobleman unless you are passing that way for more lucrative opportunities. In other words, never bite off more than you can chew as the company commander.
That said, it is highly important for any commander worth their salt & gold crowns to run the numbers so to speak. Is it profitable to hire that beggar or that daytaler as opposed to a hedge knight? Is it worth giving a sniveling peasant who you found originally in a sackcloth outfit a leather jerkin only to watch it break in combat & therefore become irrecoverable?
At the end of the day, it’s about profitability & maximizing the potential recruits & veterans alike while balancing your books. Without gold, you are nothing. Without battle brothers in tow, you are simply nonexistent & merely a man with ambition or perhaps shattered dreams.
Acquiring the perfect, or at least near perfect, contract is not too easy for most but given a thorough analysis & reading of my tomes, you will find it less difficult hopefully in time. In any case, it is best to find the Gilder worshiping royals & nobility in the South as a stratagem for a variety of reasons, which I shall enumerate shortly.
First off, those Southern leaders who contract out to us types love to throw coins around like it’s going out of style. To them, their Gilder deity espouses finding the lowly mercenary, colloquially called “Crownlings,” to do all the dirty work such as killing ifrits in their accursedly hot deserts or putting down slave revolts.
Secondly, with the right negotiator in your camp retinue, you can often get a good payout from such employers in the South. Do not be afraid to haggle & dicker over coins. It is, after all, your lifeblood.
Third, it is satisfying to feel crowns in your pocket after selling off loot to desert marketplace folk or even offloading trade goods from the cold, icy North. Hell, a variety of goods are produced in towns & cities that you can broker deals to change hands as you journey about the lands visiting a variety of locales to slake your thirst for more money. A dragon’s hoard’s worth of coinage isn’t built in a day obviously. It's built off the backs of your employees through the proper leverage of investments into various aspects of your company.
Lastly, it is ultimately up to your style of leadership what other camp followers you hire, fire, re-hire, or keep permanently. That said, it is my suggestion to always have a negotiator.
Chapter 4: ???
(I'll start this soon.)
= = =
I'll write more later as time permits.

Hello!
Today I felt like telling my story that don’t matter but actually does because it really built my character haha when I was 13 years old I had a Facebook profile from a character that I like Zack Fair from Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core, at the beginning I didn’t even know what role play was, just that I really wanted to play as him. I added a bunch of people roleplaying as other characters from that game in particular and later on just random accounts from other games, I was very shy and didn’t actually role play that much because I was insecure about my English since it’s not my mother tongue, so I kinda just saw everything from the sidelines, with kinda no popular status I got a real life friend to join me as Aerith side note she didn’t even play the game or knew anything from it but went ahead and created an account to role play with me who was my character’s love interest and we would play as a couple. Nothing really happened at the beginning, until it did.
I added a profile playing as Ike from Fire Emblem and we started talking, only thing I know is that he’s a guy haha so we started talking and I explained him about my character and the game which got him interested about it, I really liked him he was cool at that time. He even left his Ike account to make one for Cloud Strife, a character from Final Fantasy VII. My character’s life was started to progress since he was being so extrovert, loud, cringy haha I made friends from role playing like Xion from Kingdom Hearts who I believe was a girl, Roxas from Kingdom Hearts who was a girl too, shout out to my girl! We still talk to this day.
Zack and Aerith got engaged after a while and we adopted Xion as our daughter, but little did they know I was having an affair with Cloud.
Cloud and I got closer and closer by talking I swear everyday after school, next fact I unlocked from him was that he was from the UK, we would talk about our interests and how was our day without revealing our names, to this day I don’t know his, but I would feel like we were actually friends on the start, he would tell me I play the best as my character, even saying I was actually him so I think that started to mess with my head, what was really aimed at my character and my real identity? Because it felt like we were in a relationship, he would say he liked me and that we should be together, so we started talking more flirty and couple like, even role play smut but it would be so awkward like *moan* and stuff haha nothing graphic, I don’t know why I didn’t tell my wife, to the outside we were this happy family, even my daughter had a crush on Cloud and I would discourage to pursue him, my thinking was he’s gay you don’t have a chance but with me it’s different.
I am Zack Fair.
The way I would role play was using fanarts, I would make albums from the characters and post a bunch of cute fanart and go from there, since it was easier to describe the scenery because of my English. I made albums from most of the characters of my game, even albums titled as family and it would be crossovers from Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. Other people used this method I am not claiming it as my own, but overall this life was competitive I remember another Zack Fair named with the Japanese pronunciation Zakkusu Fea and I was totally jealous of him, he was so popular he had his Aerith and his family, their profile pictures were pretty so that made him pretty in my head, there was also this other Cloud Strife but named Cloud NotaChocobo something among those lines and he was a very cute boy, he always pick the cutest fanart of Cloud, but I never spoke with any of them I was shy and I tried to expand my social circle.
But Aerith disliked Cloud to the point she deleted him from Facebook, I don’t remember the motives but he would be sarcastically rude to her, it wasn’t really just one big event and I was really a coward to not defend my wife, instead I wouldn’t really interact in public with him, it was all on private messages, one day Aerith suggested we should switch accounts for a day and I accepted because I thought it would be fun to play as her. Big mistake.
She saw,
everything.
She posted on my wall saying what she found out, would copy paste fragment of what we told each other, our professions of love, I tried to warn Cloud but I was not on his friend list, soon enough friends started to notice the posts on my profile and got involved, I was rightfully the bad guy in all this, my daughter hated me because here I was breaking the family apart and engaging with the guy she wanted. I immediately apologized to my friend in real life playing as Aerith and she just lol’d telling me it was okay it was just a joke but in my mind it wasn’t. We got a divorce after that and she kept engaging on role playing as a single mom, later on I saw she remarried but then she really wasn’t much online anymore. For myself I grow out a mustache, a friend drew one from one of my profile pictures, it was popular back in 2008, haha, this face was even my signature :{D.
I went back to Cloud, we were apologetic of what had happened and soon enough it was like before, only this time I would tell him that I wanted our relationship to be public but he wasn’t ready yet, so I waited and waited but deep inside I felt hurt because I thought he didn’t love me in real life, he would then tell me his problems from his day, that he was at a friend’s house playing spin the bottle and he had to kiss a guy but didn’t because he was shy about it and I was so jealous about it I thought we broke up in that moment but didn’t say nothing, he would give me a few hints here and there about his personal life, I only know he has his mother and a big brother and were from India, he would send me links to Indian songs and dramas from Bollywood, that made him happy. One time while looking at profiles to add from mutual friends I saw an account named after my character and the profile was a real photo of an Indian guy, I looked through his profile and I got the vibe it was him, but to this day I don’t know since I never told him and the account was soon deleted or maybe he changed the profile picture since there were so many accounts with the same name.
We kept our relationship private until one day he said he was ready to make it public I was very excited about it, our friends congratulated us and I thought this new step would be so much fun but it went downhill from here. I don’t really remember anything from here I think because it were the days that I really struggled with balancing this persona and my own, the friends I made here would vent to me about their real life problems and I would try to help them as much as a 13 year old can, later I fell sick to the stomach turns out I had gastritis from all the stress, I remember leaving the Doctor with my mom telling her “So it’s because of the stress? But I like helping people, they tell me their problems…” and she said something among the lines of how they wouldn’t help me back, it sucked.
Tumblr was a miracle, I got my blog and I got obsessed with it, since I loved many tv shoes back in the day I enjoyed the content that people were posting, the images, the gifsets, the audios, the videos, the memes we got from that like the Mishapocalypse haha. Again I don’t really remember how Cloud and I broke up but I’m pretty sure he broke up with me, I told my friend Roxas about it and we decided to have a public relationship but really we were just friends, in my head I tried to make Cloud jealous but later on I didn't even care he had changed and I disliked this new persona and speaking of people they were not getting online as much anymore, so leaving was easy, I added Roxas to my real account and didn't look back.
I would only get online from time to time since I was afraid my account could get hacked or deleted for inactivity, but when I was logged I could say hi to all my friends and I got some juicy gossip, remember Cloud? He was in distress telling me that he was role playing with a mutual friend of us, a Genesis from Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core, and boy they were role playing smut and Genesis’ mother caught a glimpse or something but she read all that and grounded him from his computer, I was indifferent from it I recall only saying him something like: Too bad. To this day I have the gut feeling that he was cheating on me, not with Genesis but I recall him interacting in a suspicious way with other Zacks, oh yeah he only liked Zack Fair.
Later on I saw that Cloud changed again his behavior, he was like a role play police if he didn’t like how you act he would let you know about it, he made a lot of accounts like a second Cloud Strife, a Genesis Rhapsodos one, one of my character Zack Fair. Until I logged one day and I couldn’t find him on my friend list until I realized he deleted me, with time I never found his account, maybe he deleted them all, I don’t know since roleplaying on Facebook wasn’t as popular.
That is all I have to say, I might have little stories here and there about these time but overall it really messed with my reality of how I view these friendships… relationships… I don’t regret it much, it was a fun escape since I hated my middle school haha but super cringe it let’s be real, I don’t really remember much apart from minor details or fun stuff that happened but shoutout to that other Zack Fair from Italy on his mid 20’s who told me he was in a metal band and learnt German from metal music who got stabbed in a bar I don’t remember why but when I told him I was a girl he wanted to be in a relationship with me and come visit me, I shut that shit down. But hi bro o/

I’m on vacation in Mexico, and everything has been great, and maybe I just haven’t kept up with my antidepressants like I should, but damn am I feeling down on myself, and despite distracting myself, the reality of the uncertainty of the future has me scared to death, it’s always there in the back of my mind, but sometimes that overwhelming fear and depression is hard to shake.
Anyway it occurred to me that this is the only time I’ve been outside of state that doesn’t border Ohio since I graduated high school ten years ago. It’s been ten years and this trip is the only substantial thing I’ve done with my life in that time. It been ten years and I’m still as scared and lost as I was when I first graduated. In fact. I’m in an even worse position since the cost of living has become so much worse. I’m still financially dependent on my parents, despite working full time I still rely on them more than I want too, and I have no great path towards financial independence, and I’m all too aware my parents won’t be around forever and then I’ll be completely alone and probably homeless, at which point I really don’t think I’ll have the motivation to hold on, in other words if the next ten years is like this, I’m just gonna call it right there and end it all, I don’t want to but I’m worried that financially I’ll be forced into it. Ten years and I still have a nothing job that I could have worked in High School, still have never been in a real relationship, and really have just spent a decade trying get my mental health under control and really have only managed to put a band-aid over it while not making life any less overwhelming. I guess it’s a little better, in that I’m largely depressed over things outside of my control overwhelming me instead of hating myself, but still.
Not sure what I can even do to improve things, it’ll be nice to get settled in somewhere I intend to stay for a while, it’ll make investing in relationships more doable, though I’m not really sure how to start dating, as far as I know nobody has ever been interested in dating me and apps have been a fruitless effort.
Career wise I’m equally lost as pursuing education never actually translated into a job, and now it’s kinda too late to go back to school, at least full time. So idk, I’m completely lost and scared to death.
Literally all my problems stem from rent being too damn high, something needs to be done about our housing crisis. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

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I've seen this phenotype rather often.
Thin, typically low BMI. Very high anxiety. Sometimes chronic pain/autoimmune issues, hashimotos (not always but often). Brain fog, poor stress tolerance, POTS (or simply high resting heart rate, lightheaded when standing up), high salt thirst (they put salt on everything to compensate for their renal losses of it), poor feminization (despite adequate HRT and separate from low BMI). They sometimes report masculinizing effects despite normal T/DHT testing.
I've also had a few cases of young "FTM" with this, and one in particular that ended up seeing resolution of their gender dysphoria with treatment. Those cases are always VERY underweight, and that patient had a starting BMI of 13 pre-treatment and now at BMI 18 feels vastly better.
I'm still sorting this out, so consider this a "pre-print" idea, but I've had enough success cases that I think it worth mentioning in case it can help someone else.
Basically, these MTF girls look on paper like someone who should be sort of an Addison's disease picture. However, they do not have hyperpigmentation, and if anything, the opposite, are often quite pale. I'm still trying to mechanistically suss out why this is in terms of the ACTH, CRH pathways.
Regardless, when I test morning and PM cortisol on these patients, its almost never "low". But it is almost always at the bottom range of the normal band. Same goes for the sodium value. Tends to be 135-137.
However, I've taken some of these patients, drawn a cortisol, then had the patient do some vigorous exercise/stress, and drawn another one, only to see the cortisol level fall or remain the same. Or, drawn their cortisol during an immensely stressful time in their life for it to be at the cusp of low, or even "faintly low" but never in the standard "Addisonian" sort of range. Aldosterone/renin are normal.
This had me suspicious they had some sort of subclinical Addisonian-ish situation, to which they can make enough cortisol to survive, but when subjected to any degree of stress, they flat out cannot cope, and crumble.
I think this may be related to my overall MPS theory with Kate, but these specific patients I'm postulating only have only one sort of functional copy of 21 hydroxylase.
Healthy humans have two functional copies of CYP21A2, and then two copies of the CYP21A2P pseudogene which is not supposed to be transcribed.
I think some humans may have less functional copies than two, aka one normal and one weak, or two weak, or even one weak, or perhaps more copies, two normal and two transcribed normal CYP21A2P genes for example, resulting in double the expected cortisol output.
This may partially explain the "Elves and Dwarves" body habitus groups that trans people fall into.
Regardless, enough patients have told me that during periods of high stress, they feel like they are "remasculinizing".
If someone has poor 21a2 function, the act of stressing them will result in high demand for cortisol, but as a side product, a bunch of androgen intermediaries are synthed which do not show up on standard T/DHT testing. Basically, because their cortisol production sucks and makes a lot of androgen byproduct, high stress results in an increase in these levels.
I had no way of measuring this, until one of my very smart patients pointed out that Labcorp has a 11-oxo-androgens panel.
So I've been pulling this on my "I am stressed and feel androgenic" patients and been surprised to see elevated levels in otherwise hormonally "perfect" patients.
Treatment of these patients with a very low dose of hydrocortisone (5-20 mg daily starting at the lowest level and gradually escalating) has resulted in some patients an absolutely astounding result. We're talking massive reductions in anxiety levels, massive improvements in energy levels, decreased pain, improved brain fog, just overall major improvements in function. I am being extremely cautious with this, as these are not "defined" Addisonian patients, but I can't deny the massive improvement in their well being. They are all carefully being monitored with lab testing to ensure no adverse effects from the hydrocortisone.
That being said, I do think there is perhaps a large unrecognized group of people in the trans community who have lived in a state of constant stress/anxiety/trauma and whose adrenal glands are just not up to snuff.
Treatment results in elimination of the elevated 11-oxo-androgens, increased BMI, improved sleep, improved mental health and improved feminization.
Now, I have been considering putting this here for a long time, but I've held off on it as anytime I put anything down that has "improved feminization", people recklessly want to jump on that at the cost of quite literally anything. This is 100% not a thing that should be done without a doctor who is 100% on board, and willing to do the relatively intense monitoring and testing to ensure that this is a net benefit for the patient. It is not something that should be done DIY (nor should HRT be done DIY ever).
After having a few more successes with this these past few weeks, this tipped the "ethics" point where I felt it unethical not to mention, as there are likely people who will read this, and recognize "that sounds like me" and be able to talk to their doctor about it and see how the testing plays out.
Again, I do not advise anyone do this without full clinician supervision. You can quite literally give yourself diabetes. If you take the medicine for awhile, and then suddenly run out and stop, you can quite literally die of an Addisonian crisis. It is not something to trifle with, and should be reserved only for people who fit this very specific niche situation. I only have a handful of these total in the practice, and I've got 3000 trans patients, so by no means, is this "common". But it made such an overwhelming difference in those that I've treated for it, that I finally felt like I should put pen to paper on it, as I feel doing so may help more people than are hurt by it.
Over the years, I've seen my words twisted, run with, or employed recklessly. My goal is the same as it has always been, the improvement of the health and wellness of transgender people as a whole. I just am trying to be a better steward of the platform I have, and recognize how far my words tend to disseminate after I publish them here. So please, hear me out. If this sounds like you, talk to your doctor about it. Do not do this on your own.
Hopefully there are some out there though that this can help.
I also welcome the input of anyone who might explain why the patients tend to be pale, quite literally the opposite of Addisonian patients, as the biochemistry of that is paradoxical to me, and I can't seem to solve the "why". Odds are though, Kate will materialize here with an explanation though shortly.

• Dr Powers

Who do you think is the first ever metalcore band?
I would argue that it’s Integrity, here’s why:
1.) They are part of the “first three” bands of metalcore; the other two bands are Converge and Earth Crisis.
2.) Between those three bands, Integrity was the first to be formed. The band was formed in 1988, Earth Crisis was in 1989, and Converge was in 1990.
3.) Integrity was also the first of those three bands to actually release music. By the time Converge and Earth Crisis had begun to release music in 1992, Integrity had already put out their first studio album “Those Who Fear Tomorrow” a year before that in 1991.
So with that being said, do you agree with me? If not, then who you think is the first true metalcore band and why?

Who do you think is the first ever metalcore band?
I would argue that it was Integrity, here’s why:
1.) They are part of the “first three” bands of metalcore; the other two bands are Converge and Earth Crisis.
2.) Between those three bands, Integrity was the first to be formed. The band was formed in 1988, Earth Crisis was in 1989, and Converge was in 1990.
3.) Integrity was also the first of those three bands to actually release music. By the time Converge and Earth Crisis had begun to release music in 1992, Integrity had already put out their first studio album “Those Who Fear Tomorrow” a year before that in 1991.
So with that being said, do you agree with me? If not, then who you think is the first true metalcore band and why?

Enjoy!
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I’m so glad this sub exists because I’ve been annoying everyone in my life with my theories about these two … I figured this would be the right place to post my speculation/lyric breakdowns of songs that they may have written about each other, split into different posts for albums for ease of reading.
Starting with Reputation (2017) – I imagine the failed relationship with Matty was still fresh for Taylor during the writing/recording of this album. Her reference to her “longings locked in lowercase inside a vault” definitely made me look back at Rep in a way I hadn’t before (and I do think we’ll see some Matty-coded vault tracks on TV”. That said I don’t want to erase her other relationships, especially with Joe, so I’ll make notes of where I think I’m either stretching for a Matty connection or I think there are multiple muses.
Special mention to “Getaway Car” which feels like another (fictionalized?) response to Robbers but the story she tells is very similar to her fling with Tom, especially given the third man in the song. I usually claim it for the maylors anyway bc who cares about Tom. Let me know what you think.
“...Ready For It?”
Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him / Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted / But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
I can't ignore the connections here to two other songs thought to be written about M - Ghost (2014) and Haunted (2015) by Halsey (I won't bother going into the HalseyMatty lore here but I could in another post...)
"You're a Rolling Stone boy, never-sleep-alone boy / Got a million numbers and they're filling up your phone, boy" (Ghost) "I'm begging you to keep on haunting me" (Haunted) "My ghost / Where'd you go? / I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me" (Ghost)
I can be a phantom holdin' him for ransom / Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me / Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry / But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist / And he can be my jailer
Robbers is one of The 1975’s most famous songs. In the music video two lovers stick up a convenience store - definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it. In 2014 M dedicated the song to T in Dallas in November 2017 (a week after she attended the concert in LA) here and here
Burton to this Taylor
One of my favorite references that I think reveals a lot about the messy but irresistible relationship M and T seem to have. Here's a link to a great article about the wild love affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Every love I've known in comparison is a failure / I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now / Never be the same now
This sentiment is repeated throughout many of the songs I believe are about M. The idea of a life altering love is obviously prevalent across TTPD but also in folklore, evermore, and Midnights. ex. "I'm never gonna love again" (cowboy like me), "I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since" (Question...?), "I felt aglow like this / Never before and never since" (loml)
Also want to mention This Must Be My Dream from 2016, which M has said is about an older gf but may fit: "Let me tell you 'bout this girl / I thought she'd rearrange my world"
No one has to know / In the middle of the night, in my dreams / You should see the things we do, baby
See Guilty as Sin? lol
Baby, let the games begin
Taylor in an interview with Glamour in February 2014:
TS: [Nods. Pauses.] I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it's a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.
CL: Is that winning?
TS: It is when they come back. [Laughs.] And if they don't, then they didn't care enough to begin with.
conclusion: I believe ...Ready For It? is a response to Robbers and reveals M and T's similar romanticism (sometimes toxic but so addicting). The mirrored stylization of ...Ready For It? and Question...? makes me think the latter is a continuation of the former. The mentions of “island breeze” and “we’ll move to an island” have made people believe this song is about Tom Hiddleston but other lyrics, namely “younger than my exes” pretty clearly contradicts that.
"End Game"
I wanna be your end game / I wanna be your first string /I wanna be your A-Team
Funny reading this after The Alchemy and So High School.
Big reputation, big reputation / Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations / And you heard about me / Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation
And they were! Especially because T hadn't been really linked to anyone after Harry, the speculation about her and M came hard and fast. M especially was inundated with questions in the months after the LA and NYC shows.
And I heard about you / You like the bad ones, too
Another possible reference to a Halsey song, this time Hurricane from 2014: "He says, "Oh, baby, beggin' you to save me / Well, lately I like 'em crazy/ Oh, maybe, you could devastate me"
I don't wanna touch you, I don't wanna be / Just another ex-love you don't wanna see / I don't wanna miss you / Like the other girls do
Very reminiscent of The 1975's song Somebody Else, released in 2016, speculated to be about T: "I don't want your body / But I hate to think about you with somebody else"
I hit you like bang, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn't
"Flashbacks waking me up / I get drunk, but it's not enough" (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em
"I circled you on a map / I haven't come around in so long" (The Alchemy)
Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy
"And they tried to warn you about me" (The Albatross)
And I can't let you go, your hand prints on my soul
"Marked me like a bloodstain" (Cardigan)
It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold
So many of the songs speculated to be about M reference his eyes but the most relevant (not the starry eyed motif which we'll get to in the future) are: "Eyes like sinking ships on waters / So inviting I almost jump in" (gold rush) and "But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet / Now I'm all for you like Janet" (Snow On The Beach)
"Deep blue, but you painted me golden" (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
You've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks / So here's the truth from my red lips
From the same Glamour article, Taylor talking about her 'trick' when dating:
CL: What's the freeze-out?
TS: You don't respond to any of his texts or calls until he does something desperate [like] shows up. Or he calls and leaves a voice mail. Something that makes it very clear to you that he's interested.
disclaimer: I am someone who thinks the Tom relationship was not that serious for T, so this song imo fits what she may have told us about her relationship with M more, though the beach reference does point to Tom in a way.
"Don't Blame Me"
I've been breaking hearts a long time / And toying with them older guys / Just playthings for me to use
See the quotes from the Glamour article above. "Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so" (...Ready For It?)
Something happened for the first time / In the darkest little paradise
May refer to the dark concert venue where they met for the first time (see So It Goes... for more)
For you / I would cross the line / I would waste my time / I would lose my mind / They say, "She's gone too far this time."
Sentiment that is repeated throughout TTPD, but most clearly in But Daddy I Love Him
My name is whatever you decide / And I'm just gonna call you mine
Though this could be a stretch, in the spotify storyline for The 1975's Oh Caroline (2022), speculated to be about T, M said "It's an invented character, where the cadence really mattered. It couldn't be "Oh Linda" or "Oh Jane" [or "Oh Taylor"] - you had to have a 3 syllable that really works. I knew what the song was about, I had felt that about someone before and I got to write an episodic, mini movie about the subject"
disclaimer: If about M, this song is very on the nose with the drug references. Generally it's a very vague song and could easily be about Joe or another ex.
"So It Goes..."
See you in the dark / All eyes on you, my magician / All eyes on us / You make everyone disappear
Likely refers to the first time T saw M in person, when she was front row at The 1975's LA show. All eyes were on M then (including T's)
"Once upon a time, the planets and the fates / And all the stars aligned / You and I ended up in the same room / At the same time" (Mastermind)
Tripping, tripping when you're gone
May relate to Don't Blame Me: "Trip of my life / every time you're touching me"
'Cause we breakdown a little / But when you get me alone, it's so simple
Maybe a stretch but M famously had a breakdown on stage in Boston on December 6, 2014. In an interview with the Guardian he said: “There was girl stuff. There was family stuff. There was financial stuff. There was drug stuff. I remember hearing the crowd and having an identity crisis. I thought: ‘If you want to see a show, I’ll give you a fucking show. If you’ve come to see the jester drink himself into a slumber, I’ll give it to you.’ I felt like I’d become an idea as opposed to being a person.”
“And I was 25 and afraid to go outside” (Give Yourself a Try)
And all the pieces fall / Right into place
"I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork / The dominoes cascaded in a line" (Mastermind)
Getting caught up in a moment / Lipstick on your face
"I said, "Don't fall in love with the moment" / She said I've got a lot to learn / Don't fall in love with the moment /And think you're in love with the girl" (She's American)
Come here, dressed in black now
"Yeah, we're dressed in black from head to toe" (Chocolate). Taylor was also wearing all black the night of the LA show.
conclusion: You did a number on me / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? / I did a number on you / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? ( "King of My Heart"
We met a few weeks ago / Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes
The reason why I don't necessarily think Joe fits. They met at the Met Gala in 2017 and she very quickly started seeing Tom, obviously it could still be him but I wanted to note this.
"Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" (illicit affairs)
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat
M loves Motown, even sampling a track by The Temptations on Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy). He's also always loved dancing, which you can see in the videos for A Change of Heart and Oh Caroline.
Salute to me I'm your American Queen / Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
He's English, obviously.
And we rule the kingdom inside my room / With all these nights we're spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush
Totally speculation but M and T hiding out in her NYC home makes a lot of sense from other pieces she has shared about the relationship “My kingdom come undone” (Hoax)
Late in the night, the city's asleep / Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Speculation again but fits with the story of M and T as mostly loving each other in secret (see Dancing With Our Hands Tied and Dress)
Is this the end of all the endings? / My broken bones are mending
As mentioned above, T had seemingly taken a break from dating after the breakup with Harry.
disclaimer: Definitely not 100% sure on this one as there is convincing evidence that it is about J
"Dancing With Our Hands Tied"
I, I loved you in secret / First sight, yeah, we love without reason / Oh, 25 years old
M and T were both born in 1989, M was 25 when they first met and dated and T was turning 25.
My, my love had been frozen / People started talking, putting us through our paces / I knew there was no one in the world who could take it / I loved you in spite of / Deep fears that the world would divide us
“A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground / With no one around to tweet it” (The Lakes)
In an interview with the Guardian Matty said: “The day after she’d been to a show of ours, someone sent me a screenshot of E! News with the headline ‘Who is Matt Healy?’ That freaked me out. I’m not ready to indulge in that world and I’m not ready to be judged by that world.” So sad to read knowing that they dealt with a similar situation nearly a decade later.
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
“Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis
“Now you hang from my lips / Like the Gardens of Babylon / With your boots beneath my bed” (cowboy like me)
I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again
Reminds me so much of the music video for cardigan, where T slips into a rough ocean and hangs on to a piano. Also from cardigan: “Leaving like a father / Running like water”
“Dress”
Our secret moments in a crowded room / They got no idea about me and you
"Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room / And every single one of your friends was / Making fun of you" (Question...?)
There is an indentation in the shape of you / Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo
M seemingly makes a lasting impression: “Deep blue, but you painted me golden” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “The mark they saw on my collarbone” (Maroon) “Marked me like a bloodstain” (cardigan)
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
T often seems to refer to a friendship with M, perhaps they tried it a few times: “We were supposed to be just friends” (Glitch) “Like you were my closest friend” (Maroon) “Just say when, I'd play again / He was my best friend / Down at the sandlot” (My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys)
And if I get burned, at least we were electrified
“I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
I'm spilling wine in the bathtub / You kiss my face and we're both drunk
Many of the possible M songs refer to M and T’s love of wine. “And I can see us twisted in bedsheets / August slipped away like a bottle of wine” (august) “The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me / And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon)” (Maroon)
disclaimer - Obviously most likely about Joe given the reference to the 2017 Met Gala but I think it was worth a mention!
“Call It What You Want”
My baby's fly like a jet stream / High above the whole scene
Probably a double-entendre. M considers himself slightly on the outside of the ‘scene’ but this can come across as self assurance. This also could refer to literally being high on drugs
Loves me like I'm brand new
After T’s clever use of The Starting Line in TTPD I’m convinced she’s referring to the band Brand New. M posted a Brand New album on his ig story in 2020.
All my flowers grew back as thorns
An interesting contrast to “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” from Don’t Blame Me
Windows boarded up after the storm
“I look through the windows of this love / Even though we boarded them up” (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
I'm laughing with my lover
“Laughing with my feet in your lap” (Maroon) “Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” (New Year’s Day)
Making forts under covers
Matty famously built a fort in ATPOAIM 3. “I'll build you a fort on some planet / Where they can all understand it” (Down Bad)
Trust him like a brother
“Like I lost my twin” (Down Bad)
Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night
So many starry eyed references which is terribly romantic and terribly sad. “Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?” (High Infidelity), “Your opal eyes are all I wish to see” (ivy), “Eyes full of stars” (cowboy like me), and “Gazing at me starry-eyed” (The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived)
I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck
“Picture of your face in an invisible locket” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
I recall late November, holding my breath
Late November fits perfectly into the timeline of M and T’s 2014 relationship. Late October to Late DecembeEarly January makes the most sense.
Slowly I said, "You don't need to save me / But would you run away with me?"
“You're mad thinking you could ever save me. Not looking like that.” (A Change of Heart)
disclaimer: Again lots of Joe references in this as well so take this with a grain of salt.
“New Year’s Day”
You and me from the night before, but / Don't read the last page
From Me and You Together Song (2020): “I think the story needs more pages, yes.” The reference to “the last page” also makes this song feel like more of a reminiscence than a song about a current lover.
I want your midnights / But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
Impossible not to reread these lyrics after Midnights was released as a nod to M: “When the morning came we / Were cleaning incense off your / Vinyl shelf ‘cause we lost track of time again” (Maroon)
You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi / I can tell that it's gonna be a long road / I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe / Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
Especially after the release of TTPD it seems that both T and M made many promises to each other that they couldn’t keep
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / And I will hold on to you
The reference to memories here creates a bit of a confusing feeling about the muse for this song. Although T seems to be talking in the present tense I do think these are memories and dreams for a past relationship.
“Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten / About you?” (About You)
Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere / Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Not much to say about this but ow!
You and me forevermore
Again reminds me of Me and You Together Song (which I do buy as a song at least partially about T). And of course links to Evermore.
disclaimer: This could absolutely be about Joe but it does feel almost like a goodbye to M, closing the album. It’s as if she is reading “the last page”
Congrats if you read this lol. I clearly have too much time on my hands

This was posted on the Knox County Mayor's facebook page this morning........
"Dear Knox County Commissioners and Mayor Jacobs,
We are writing to you today on behalf of the concerned residents of Knox County regarding the alarming shortage of Advanced Life Support (ALS) ambulances in our community's 911 system. Recent data reveals a troubling disparity in ambulance availability compared to other areas in Tennessee.According to recent statistics, Knox County, serviced primarily by AMR, has an estimated 0.78 ALS ambulances per 25,000 citizens. However, due to a lack of transparency from AMR, these numbers are only estimates. This lack of transparency is concerning and highlights the urgent need for accountability and oversight.It's crucial to note that this shortage pertains specifically to ALS ambulances in the 911 system, not Basic Life Support (BLS) ambulances intended for routine medical transport. BLS ambulances lack the necessary equipment and paramedic staffing to effectively respond to 911 calls, further exacerbating the emergency response crisis.The disparity between Knox County's 0.78 ALS ambulances per 25,000 citizens and the average among other surveyed areas is drastic. For example, our neighboring counties boast significantly higher numbers, with some exceeding 1.5 ALS ambulances per 25,000 citizens. This disparity underscores the urgent need for action to address the inadequate ambulance coverage in Knox County.Moreover, while hospital wait times are a concern nationwide, it's troubling that response times for emergency medical services in our community appear to be disproportionately affected. Despite efforts to improve healthcare access across the United States, our residents continue to face unacceptably long wait times for life-saving medical assistance.Furthermore, we are deeply troubled by AMR's recent presentation to the county commission, boasting about subcontracting transportation of deceased individuals and promoting telehealth services as solutions. These efforts do not address the root cause of the problem: the shortage of ambulances. Instead of focusing on band-aid solutions, we urge AMR and the county commission to prioritize increasing the number of ambulances on our roads and improving emergency medical response times.We demand immediate action from the Knox County Commission and Mayor Jacobs to address this critical issue. It is imperative that steps are taken to increase the number of ALS ambulances on our roads and improve emergency medical response times.Furthermore, we urge the commission and the mayor to implement daily updates on ambulance coverage status through local government channels, ensuring transparency and accountability to the community. Residents should not have to rely on news media for critical information about their emergency services.Additionally, we advocate for exploring the transition from a private, for-profit ambulance service to a county-run ALS ambulance service, similar to successful models in other Tennessee counties. This transition would prioritize public safety over profits and ensure equitable access to life-saving emergency medical care for all residents.Transparency, accountability, and proactive communication are essential to safeguarding the well-being of Knox County residents. We implore you to prioritize this issue and take decisive action to ensure that our community has the emergency medical services it desperately needs and deserves.Thank you for your attention to this urgent matter.
Sincerely,Knox Ambulance Watch

The Cenacle 124 April 2024 29^th Anniversary Issue
https://scriptorpress.com/cenacle/124
[Size = 13.6 MB]
Hello everyone,
Here comes the just-released Cenacle 124 April 2024. Returning to the desired quarterly issue cadence that has been missing for the past couple of years. It was hard doing this issue without the usual many years’ involvement of my dear poet friend, the late Judih Weinstein Haggai, but her poetry features in this issue nonetheless, & will remain so in each issue ever on.
Thus far, 2024 for the human world has been a fairly dark one. The global Pandemic has not ended, though millions risk sickness & death for themselves & others by choosing to join in a kind of mass amnesia about the crisis. Meanwhile, the climate crisis continues to get the same kind of hostile indifference. The genocide in Gaza goes on unabated by any of the many powerful & supposedly democratic nations of the world. And a likely felon has jazzed the US electoral process, its weaknesses & flaws among its many strengths, to be within reach of again taking over &, as he has vowed, taking revenge.
I can’t tell you that this literary journal operates toe to toe on the global scale to oppose these various human catastrophes, but I can say that if we don’t seek Beauty, & Nature, & look beyond the petty fuckeries of the current day, we are much more likely to be lost than if we find a way to do this.
This fine anniversary issue features new poetry by Tamara Miles, Martina Reisz Newberry, Colin James, Sam Knot, Jimmy Heffernan, Judih Weinstein Haggai, & myself.
Also new fiction by Timothy Vilgiate, Algernon Beagle, & myself. And classic fiction from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
And new prose pieces by Nathan D. Horowitz, Charlie Beyer, & myself.
There is also new graphic artwork by AbandonView, Epi Rogan, Louis Staeble, Kassandra Soulard, Sam Knot, Tamara Miles, & Nathan D. Horowitz.
Contents of this new issue include:
From Soulard’s Notebooks [Excerpt]
I find myself leaning back often into 3 questions that I believe most influence human psychology & human culture:
1) Why are we here?
2) Where are we from?
3) What are we supposed to be doing?
* * * * * *
Feedback on Cenacle 123 [Excerpt]
I made it to the first poem by Judih Weinstein Haggai, sank into it, breathed it, needed it, and couldn’t go further into the issue yet. But it’s beautiful. And Kassandra Soulard’s cover photo: wow.
(Tamara Miles)
* * * * * *
From the ElectroLounge Forums:
Selections from Unknot 24, Part 1[Excerpt]
A project that I expect to work on for the rest of my life and never finish is a kind of art project playing with meaning making and the first few layers of knots, so this is all part of that really. I suppose it is a way to give a kind of focus or even kind of “abstract grounding” to some other kind of activity which isn’t necessarily even directly related to or about it.
(Sam Knot)
* * * * * *
Haiku from a Silent Retreat (7/31/2021) [Excerpt]
by Judih Weinstein Haggai
Everybody!
Are you everybody?
I’m not either
* * * * * *
Notes from New England:
Dream Raps, Volume Thirteen [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
Now that my friends are gone, the very shy Creatures who sometimes visit my hovel begin to come out, sniffing friendly their hellos. Accept my offer to cluster with me under the blankets, them being cold as ever when outside of the White Woods. White Bunny, Hedgedyhog, Peppermint Bears, Kittees & their Friend Fish. Alvinarah Poesy, & his dear friend Naria Narwhal. Even that cackling little Imp is under there somewhere. They never stay long, but I love them passing through. They’re excited about the Rutabaga Festival & Fleastock in the White Woods, I’m guessing.
* * * * * *
Becoming Archaeology: A Eulogy for Living Moor. (Part Two) [Excerpt]
by Sam Knot
It moves me more than any painting
or poem, seems to encode more meaning,
personal & planetary, than any other art,
this simple offering. This intricate gift.
* * * * * *
Notes Toward Many Musics [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
I believe a Narrative should always lead with the best it has, its most potent moment or image or the like. And let this lead set its standard. When I think of the Narrative options for these poems, I come back every time to starting from the start. These poems build on years & years of the work it took to get the six Brother-Heroes reunited rightly, after telling their unique stories as rightly as possible too. I did the best thinking & writing that I could.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Martina Newberry [Excerpt]
Tall on the dirty stage,
from my notebook I conferred
my poems. No time limit,
no faces, noises of shifting
dust and cars out there somewhere,
I read for many minutes,
emoting here and there,
hands rising and falling,
singing through some.
* * * * * *
Rivers of the Mind (A Novel) [Excerpt]
by Timothy Vilgiate
I could not help but fear that he’d attack me as I laid there; I lost count of how many times I got up to check my locks or to peek underneath the bed. I turned over and over, rocking the mattress like an unsteady boat, straining to keep my eyes shut. It was no use. Midnight came, and I was still awake; my hair matted over my irritated face, my blanket clutched in between my hands over my mouth as I tried to stop myself from sobbing. But I couldn’t let it see me cry. I couldn’t let it even see me blink.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Tamara Miles [Excerpt]
A lion’s music—a carnival of sound, beyond the roar of reserve, park, zoo, circus, and
safari, the wild kingdom beyond the definition of safe and unsafe, cruel or kind, in
sub-Saharan Africa, or in India, Gir forest, where the heart beat and drum beat and
incense are heavy.
* * * * * *
The Lagoon of the Air Goblins (Travel Journal) [Excerpt]
by Nathan D. Horowitz
I’m dehydrated from the sun today. I haven’t rehydrated. My hydration’s out of wack. It seems an eternity, maybe two, since I ordered a glass of papaya juice. Inside the café, mysterious café things may be happening, involving blenders and workforce and fruit and power. Time’s ticking by and it sounds like trees falling into a river. I glance at the red and white checkered tablecloth and remember I’ve always hated red and white checkered patterns. Serafín the educator said he would meet me here to tell me about the Secoya cosmovision, and he isn’t showing up.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Colin James [Excerpt]
Episodically craved by adolescents,
Prometheus displays his tats
behind The Dollar Store in Bonita.
The one with the plastic pillars.
* * * * * *
Mad Jack (Prose) [Excerpt]
by Charlie Beyer
We were longhaired teenage criminals. I looked like Jesus and my best buddy had flaming red shoulder-length hair, the devil to rival my divine look. Scott the Red. We were all hair, except Mad Jack (or Bob, as I knew him), who was as shaved as a plastic bag. We all sat in the car outside the 7-11 in the night rain. Blue smoke trickled out of the cracked window. Inside was a haze of marijuana smoke tainted with opium. We were high and crazed.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Jimmy Heffernan [Excerpt]
The moment to which we have access
So Nature can “see” through time
And what is this but awareness?
A tunneling from the immediate future
Back into the present
* * * * * *
Bags End Book #21: What is the Creature Carnival? Part 3 (Fiction) [Excerpt]
by Algernon Beagle
It makes me remember how our teacher Mister Owl in Bags End teached how different places have their different ways of thinking & telling. So if you’re gonna watch a Creature production, whether it’s the Carnival, or a Grand Production, or this time both, you’re gonna be in 4or a good crazy ride.
* * * * * *
The Hound of the Baskervilles (Classic Fiction) [Excerpt]
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table. I stood upon the hearth-rug and picked up the stick which our visitor had left behind him the night before. It was a fine, thick piece of wood, bulbous-headed, of the sort which is known as a “Penang lawyer.” Just under the head was a broad silver band nearly an inch across. “To James Mortimer, M.R.C.S., from his friends of the C.C.H.,” was engraved upon it, with the date “1884.” It was just such a stick as the oldfashioned family practitioner used to carry—dignified, solid, and reassuring.
* * * * * *
Labyrinthine [A New Fixtion] [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
I’m distracted just as this strange fellow appears on stage with some kind of tool in his hand. He is very fancily dressed, some kind of home-made tuxedo? Or one sewn from many scraps? And he starts to recite a poem, I think, in a tongue I don’t know, when something distracts me.
Peace,
Raymond Soulard, Jr.
Scriptor Press New England
scriptorpress.com
[editor@scriptorpress.com](mailto:editor@scriptorpress.com)

By popular demand, I guess...
I was kinda just being a smart-ass, but some of you wanted more so here it is: epilogues for every NPC as if they didn't continue to travel with Gorion's Ward and instead just decided to live their own life. Obviously, there are some implied alignment changes here.
This turned out to be longer than I expected and I kinda just threw it all together while I was working. Please excuse any typos or sloppy writing.
I want to apologize for one thing, though. Viconia's epilogue really only works if GW is a male, so I had to make that assumption for the sake of her story. If it matters any, I easily play just as many female GWs as I do male GWs. In fact, I probably play more female GWs because I don't care for the romances, frequently play the canon party, and want to nip the lame Jah romance in the bud.
But, to have them all in one place, I included my original smart-ass epilogues with the additional ones I created. Now, every character from BG1 and BG2 has an epilogue. I don't have the EE characters, though, because I play the original games and don't really know them.
So, just for funsies, which one is your favorite and why?
"Anomen continued to wait at the Copper Coronet for a party of adventurers willing to travel with him. Maybe it was the grating sound of his voice, or perhaps the way he leered at women, but he continued to remain alone. Eventually, he needed to find work to make ends meet. With Gorion's Ward having disbanded the slave traders and pit fights, Hendak had to find a new form of entertainment for the patrons. As such, he invented an all male review ladies night, and Anomen found work as a 'dancer'. He left the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart to join the less noble order of the pole. He also renounced his faith to Helm and instead allied himself with Waukeen because if you wanna see some groin, you gotta have some coin."
"Despite Gorion's Ward clearing the trolls from her keep, Nalia was not able to reclaim her lands and instead lost her estate to Lord Roenall. The lord offered to let her retain residence in her family's ancestral home, but only in exchange for her hand in marriage. Nalia found the proposition to be repugnant. Instead, she salvaged whatever wealth she could from her family's keep and moved to Athkatla to start a new life. She no longer helped the less fortunate, as she was now among their numbers and had her own problems. Nalia's lack of any practical skills combined with her sense of entitlement sent her into a life of failure followed by drinking and debauchery. She now spends more time back at the Copper Coronet than anywhere else. It is hard to say where she squanders her wealth more, the alcohol, or on the dancers during Ladies Night."
"After the incident with the Planar Sphere, Valygar was finally free of his past, could retire to his cabin, and pursue his true passion: writing. Ironically, the only inspiration he found ended up stemming from his family's checkered past. Valygar's only works that even had middling success were 'Tuesdays with Lavok' and 'Dude, Where's My Planar Sphere', with the latter being made into a production at the Five Flagoons Theater."
"Haer'Dalis continued to work as a performer at the Five Flagoons Theater. Unfortunately, it struggled due to poor management. It might have turned out better if an outside agent with fresh ideas had stepped in, but Gorion's Ward had better things to do than be a bard. While the work was generally steady, the returns were not great and the material was a little low-brow for Haer'Dalis' liking. The tiefling realized he reached rock bottom when he was cast as the lead in a play about a buffoon who apparently lost a plane-shifting apparatus the size of a small castle and had to find it before his parents returned from Neverwinter. After the opening night, he took his own life in his dressing room. His body was found the next morning with a note saying, 'Art is dead and I am art, so I shall join art in death.' Biff the Understudy stepped in for Haer'Dalis despite never having an opportunity to read the script. Nevertheless, the production was a resounding success and launched Biff's career to new heights."
“A heartbroken Garrick found work as a character actor at the Five Flagoons Theater, but eventually gained more success as a writer and director. He found it to be a mostly agreeable situation, aside from a tiefling primadonna who would constantly belittle his work and call it ”trite" and “drivel”. Fortunately, that situation worked itself out in time and Garrick found Biff to be much easier to direct. With the tiefling gone, his ideas had room to grow. He invented a new kind of love story, one where the protagonist doesn't always get the girl at the end but the journey to that ending would be quite amusing. He labeled this genre “the Comedy of Romance” and the works were mostly based on his own life. His plays were quite popular among the commoners, with his top selling shows being 'Sleepless in Saradush', 'Silverymoon Linings Playbook', and 'Crazy Rich Aasimars'. He eventually fully transitioned off the stage into the director's chair. By the peak of his fame, he was married to none other than Queen Ellesime."
“Aerie continued to work at the circus and WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT HER DAMN WINGS. Even Quayle eventually grew sick of hearing about it. This put strain on their relationship. Things took a turn for the better when Ribald Barterman acquired a new curiosity for his shop. It was a magical ring which he sold to Quayle at a reduced rate out of sympathy. This ”treasure" was actually a cursed Ring of Deafness, which Quayle found to be anything but a curse and wore it for the rest of his days."
“Xzar and Montaron were both slain at the hands of the Athkatla Harpers, but this is actually where their story begins. Xzar, as he had done so many times before, had a backup plan of an arcane nature should death befall either he or the halfling. Their mortal essences were pulled to a pocket plane he created. There they could be channeled into restored bodies cloned at his estate. With this particular round of ritual, Xzar had incidentally made a slight error in the incantation and the two found themselves in a time suspended state in Xzar's pocket plane. It was only five minutes for the rest of the world, but it was fifty years for them. This turned out to be a pivot point in their relationship. Having only each other's company in this shadowy void, they were finally able to work out their feelings for each other. When they had returned to the prime material plane, they discovered their mutual animosity was replaced with love. Rather than pick up their life where they left off with the Zhentarim, they decided to pack it all in, moved to Bryn Shander, and start a bed and breakfast. Montaron rediscovered his halfling roots and love for the culinary arts while Xzar would perform seances to connect guests with their late loved ones. Scones and Bones became an overnight success and was consistently listed as a “must see” in Volo's travel guides. In their golden years, the couple co-wrote a memoir of their journey, ‘Brokeback Montaron’, which is sold in bookstores everywhere."
“After briefly crossing paths with Gorion's Ward, Mazzy Fentan continued her crusade as a de facto halfling paladin. She eventually found herself petitioning for membership at the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart in Athkatla after she had singlehandedly saved a village from an ancient dracolich. Despite the extent of her virtue and accomplishment, her petition was denied on the basis that halflings could not possibly be real paladins. This inspired her next crusade, one to break down vocational barriers for all demihuman races. Why couldn't halflings be paladins or dwarves be wizards? And why did gnomes always have to be illusionists? It simply made no goddamn sense. She began to get traction with her quest when she attended lectures by the wizards of the (sword) coast in Candlekeep. With their help, she ushered Faerun into a new edition era where there would be no vocational barriers for adventurers based on their race. Soon, the world began to see roguish halflings that also venerated Helm, while tending to the wilds as a druid. Half-orc bards also studied as wizards while manifesting natural arcane abilities as sorcerers. Tiefling paladins took their crusades to the wilderness and served as rangers, while sidelining as clergy to Mystra. The world was now a liberated place, free to not make any goddamn sense in a myriad of new ways. At one point, Lady Mazzy Fentan of Trademeet (now formally a paladin) crossed paths with a dwarven shadowdancebard and in that moment she regretted everything. Seriously, just take a moment and picture that. It would look fucking ridiculous.”
“Yeslick's clanhome was flooded once again. Despondent and without options, he took work at a smithy in Baldur's Gate but never stopped dreaming of finding both a clan and a home. He found a way to bring this dream to life after a courageous halfling paladin broke down the barriers for, among other things, dwarves to be wizards. Yeslick had an idea. He studied magic diligently until he was able to cast two spells of great importance: Water Breathing and Permanence. He then searched the lands for other clanless dwarves who would be willing to try something new. With the new clan he formed, Yeslick permanently gave all his fellow clansman the ability to breath underwater. They then moved into the flooded Cloakwood Mines and built the first underwater dwarven stronghold. Using his arcane powers, Yeslick also developed the ability to speak with the marine life that shared this stronghold. And, with that, the clan Aquadwarf was born. At one point, Valygar visited and wrote a play based on Yeslick's story. However, he couldn't even get it to stage at the Five Flagoons Theater. The illustrious director Garrick was quoted as saying, “A hero that can breath underwater and talk to fish? Nobody would go for that!"
“Keldorn finally retired from the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart and looked forward to a much simpler life. He rekindled his marriage with Lady Maria and life seemed to improve. It was rather early on when the couple discovered that Maria had become pregnant again. It was also not long after that when Peony, the housekeeper, also became pregnant. Maria started to ask Keldorn about this, but Keldorn started to get defensive and asked, ”Hey, who's the Inquisitor here?" Then Keldorn started to do the math with her to track the conception of Maria's pregnancy. She certainly did not want him to get to the end of that equation, so she quickly changed the subject. She suggested getting a new maid, but Keldorn chastised her for abandoning someone in their time of need who had been like family for years. He forbade Peony's departure claiming that his god, Torm, would not stand for it. Maria then made a passive aggressive comment about Torm being the god of loyalty, but she was mostly just muttering under her breath to get the last word in. Eventually, both children were born and had probably the most awkward upbringing of anyone in Faerun."
“After Gorion's Ward helped Coran take down a wyvern, the rogue brought the beast's head back to the mayor of Beregost for the reward and accolades. He thought this put him in a position to be a hero of great renown and perhaps, just maybe, people would stop mocking him for his flashy attire and completely superfluous eye mask. They didn't. He only gained acceptance when he crossed paths with a ranger who seemed indifferent towards Coran's keen fashion sense. Coran traveled the Sword Coast with his ranger sidekick, righting the wrongs against the ‘little guy’ and taking the law into their own hands when needed. This partnership dissolved when he discovered that the ranger thought Coran was the sidekick. As if! Coran tried to correct the ranger, whose argument was, 'Really, man, if that outfit doesn't scream sidekick then I'm Elminster's twin brother.' The ranger was not related to Elminster and shared no resemblance.
“Kivan never was able to get his revenge on Tazok. Unbeknownst to him, that honor was taken by Gorion's Ward. His thirst for vengeance continued to eat away at him until he found himself in a bat infested cave in the wilderness. It was then he snapped. He turned the cave into his secret hideaway, put together a disguise and started wandering the sword coast looking for evil-doers to punish. He would leave his calling card wherever he saved the day, a token of a bat with longer ears like an elf. And bats already had rather long ears so these bat ears were almost comically obtrusive. Nevertheless, his deeds were generally appreciated and the people stared calling him Bat-elf. For a short spell, another elf tagged along with him and tried to help, but he was so flamboyantly dressed that one could pick his sidekick out of the shadows blindfolded. Kivan eventually had to send him on his way. Unfortunately, his vigilante crusade abruptly ended after receiving a cease and decist order from DC Comics. Kivan could fight both monster and marauder all day, but his 14 Constitution wouldn't hold up against a lawsuit for trademark infringement.”
“Skie was deeply affected by both the death of her brother and the assassination of her father. And yes, her father was actually murdered and didn't lol-jk back to life in some crappy DLC. In any event, through these traumas, she came to realize the puerility of what she thought was her brilliant criminal masterminding. Instead, she decided to settle down and live a more responsible life as an upstanding citizen of Baldur's Gate. She took the reins of her father's estate after his death and rose to prominence as one of the Grand Dukes of the city. She maintained her relationship with Eldoth for quite some time, inexplicably, as he refused to get a job because he didn't want to take attention from his band which he swore was going to make it. However, the bard spent most of the day either lounging at Skie’s estate or gambling away his allowance with games of three-dragon-ante at the Helm and Cloak. Eventually, inspired by the book “Men Are From Menzoberranzan, Women Are From Immilmar," she decided to call it quits with Eldoth and sent him packing. Shortly thereafter, she met a man who was nothing like Eldoth and they settled down together to start a family."
“Eldoth's dreams of being a world-famous musician fronting the greatest band in Faerun never reached fruition. This was partly because he didn't actually have a band and partly because he didn't have the talent to write music. Instead, he just had a lute he purchased at Lucky Aello's Discount Store that only had one A-string and was missing the E-string. Also, Eldoth could only play power chords and he couldn't really sing and play at the same time. Most of the time he would just strum a chord or two and then talk about what the song would do next, often describing a solo and half playing it on an ”air lute" (while he was still holding an actual lute, mind you) to give people the idea as to how the song would sound when it was finally written. Yeah, he was one of those guys. After Skie kicked him to the curb, he bounced between various barmaids who clearly had low self-esteem, but not low enough to keep him around for long. Eventually, he got one of them pregnant and was forced into a shotgun wedding by the barmaid's father. He now works in the kitchen at the same inn as his barmaid wife. She helps the customers up front and he cooks eggs in the back. Eldoth continues to tell himself that this experience will just provide inspiration for his music and that someday he was going to get the band back together."
“After being rescued by Gorion's Ward, Xan made his way to Baldur's Gate to regroup. He spent an inordinate amount of time beating himself up over his failures and trying to muster the gumption to continue his quest to unravel the political turmoil of the region. However, it took him months to get to this point, and by that time, Gorion's Ward already sorted out the problems in the region. Discovering this, he deemed himself a failure yet again and sunk into a deeper depression. He pulled himself out of it when he met a woman who lost most of her family to violent deaths during the iron crisis, yet she still kept herself together and became a local success in a few short years. Xan immediately fell in love with the recently single Skie Silvershield and began to court her. They eventually married and started a family. At Xan's insistence, and inspired by his wife's name, their two daughters were named Sunshine and Rainbow. Xan was a staunch supporter of his wife's career and stayed home to raise the kids. When they were older and needed less attending, he followed a new dream and became a motivational speaker.”
“Korgan had his revenge against his backstabbing crew and employer, but he felt...empty. It was done, but he felt no satisfaction. Disgruntled and disappointed, he decided to lose himself in his cups at the Copper Coronet. Even this did nothing to alleviate his malaise. One night, having passed out drunk in a peasant room at the Copper Coronet, he dreamt of that final fight but something was different. In the background of the battle, there was a glow coming from the door of a shack and he heard the whispering of a language that sounded like it was from Kara-Tur. When he woke the next morning, Korgan returned to the rooftop and found the shack from his dream. He knocked and was greeted by a priest of Illmater. Korgan told the priest of his dream and he was led into the backroom where he found a man from Kara-Tur infirm and huddled over a cup of tea. The priest explained that he had just reincarnated this man of the faith using a heart delivered by a passing adventurer. Korgan took this as a sign, converted to the faith, and the two paired up to help those in suffering as a result of the schemes of others. The tales of Korgan and Yoshimo were not only told in many of a tavern by the bards, but also collected in graphic serials that were popular among the children of Athkatla.”
“Ajantis' death sent him into an afterlife at Everwatch, the realm of Helm. For his honor and diligence, the devout knight was granted an audience with his patron. Ajantis then told Helm what utter bullshit the god was. I mean, c'mon, he's the god of protection, the Vigilant One, and he couldn't protect a group of knights from a dragon's cheap illusion spell that a mage even tried to dispel with True Sight? It was like Helm wasn't even trying. Helm was stunned by the confrontation but also had no valid defense. Ajantis called Helm to a trial that was mediated by Tyr. After careful deliberation, Tyr determined that Helm was sleeping on the job and the judgment was to demote him to a lesser deity. Now, Helm was the patron of guards, but not actual guards that ever see action, just the ceremonial ones whose weapons and armor are super shiny and probably not even real. Ajantis was then granted Helm's old portfolio and became a god that truly protected his followers.”
“Viconia left Athkatla's government district perplexed. She was rescued from burning at the stake by Gorion's Ward and then immediately dismissed. She found this to be unusual behavior for a male. She was accustomed to men either trying to bed her or kill her, but this casual indifference was completely new. Viconia came to be obsessed with Gorion's Ward from a distance. She spiraled into a fantasy where the two of them had a future together. It was pretty bad. There were some extremely embarrassing vision boards involved and that wasn't even the worst of it. When her mania reached critical mass, her obsession actually collapsed and she had an epiphany. She came to realize that she did not need this man, or any for that matter. She started on a journey of self discovery and took a moral inventory of her past relationships. She wrote about it in the book, “Men Are From Menzoberranzan, Women Are From Immilmar”. She then used the revenue from the book sales to open Athkatla's first feminist bookstore. In Her Words became a mecca for women, particularly those who felt trapped in bad relationships. The community that emerged here created the group, Friends of Galia, which strove to free women from abusive relationships. Eventually, the bookstore expanded to include an apartment block above that became a shelter for such women. Occasionally, the partners of these victims would come around to In Her Words in an attempt to drag their partners back home. You can probably guess how a confrontation between a drunken 0-level commoner and a Drow priestess of Shar ends."
“Faldorn was defeated by Jaheira in Trademeet and lost her title of Arch-Druid. In truth, she was relieved to be relieved of the position. Years of pushing forward the Shadow Druid agenda led Faldorn to realize that she had lost touch with the real Faldorn along the way. After some soul-searching, she reinvented herself as a lifestyle guru and developed an entire line of organic health and beauty products under the name, She-Wolf. Both her products and seminars were all the rage in Athkatla, specifically among noblewomen who clearly had too much free time. Faldorn eventually gave up her residence in natural environs for a lavish estate in Athkatla's government district. Her following soon pressured her to petition to join the Council of Six after the fall of the Cowled Wizards left the position open (aside from a short-term replacement). Her petition was a success and she soon found herself on the Council of Six. Under her leadership, she created created the FDAA, the Food and Drink Association of Athkatla. Now, instead of draconian rules governing magic in the city, equally restrictive rules and standards were applied to the food and drink that the people consumed.”
“Barely surviving being gravely wounded by Irenicus, Tiax left Spellhold for Athkatla where he intended to do what he did best: rule. Learning from his past campaign mistakes in Baldur's Gate, he changed his slogan from ”Tiax Rules!" to “Make Athkatla Great Again”. Of course, what he thought would make Athkatla great was putting himself in charge as a despotic leader. But, he toned down that aspect of his platform and instead focused on the history of scheming and backroom dealing of the Cowled Wizards (as if he was any less evil or scheming) and promised the people he would be different than all the other corrupt politicians. Miraculously, despite his obviously apparent character flaws, he succeeded in replacing the Cowled Wizards' representative on the Council of Six. He decided to take their stance on restrictive magic to the next level and banned magic entirely. Since he didn't study the arcane himself, it was no skin of his nose. This move undermined his support base leaving him with only the most backwards and ignorant followers. He was ultimately removed from his position when he insisted the city build a wall around the planar sphere and was expecting that the city's wizards would be the ones to pay for it. After his removal, his few remaining extreme supporters organized an invasion of the main government building under the guise of freedom of assembly. All nine of these “rebels” were rounded up, tried, and sent to prison. Tiax was convicted of treason and reincarnated in Spellhold, which was now just a common prison. After his eventual release, he was prohibited from seeking any position of power in Amn."
"Edwin Odesseiron continued to lay low with the Shadow Thieves for a while. The Cowled Wizards suffered a crippling blow as a side effect of the conflict between Gorion's Ward and Irenicus. Edwin decided to step in and finish the job. His thought was that he could wipe out the Cowled Wizard remnants and then take credit for their defeat, thereby gaining him more clout among the Red Wizards of Thay. After many conspicuous mage battles in the streets of Athkatla, he succeeded. However, the people who noticed his efforts the most were actually the people of Athkatla. They were tired of living under the Cowled Wizards' iron fist and Edwin was lauded as a liberator and hero. He even had a statue in his image raised in Waukeen's Promenade. Edwin was initially nonplussed over people finally giving him the credit he always felt he so rightfully deserved. But, he quickly came to accept their praise and bought in to being a champion for the people. Edwin continued his agenda of liberation when a clearly insane gnome who found his way on the Council of Six tried to ban magic entirely in the city. Edwin and his followers were primarily responsible for having the madman removed from his seat.
“Shar-Teel, Safana, Branwen, and Alora all happened to cross paths with each other at Elfsong one evening. Shar-Teel was looking to fight a man, Safana was looking to shag a man, Branwen was recently petrified by a man, and Alora was just excited to be somewhere new. The four got to talking with each other and, despite having wildly different personalities, seemed to hit it off. Shar-Teel was sarcastic and aggressive, Safana was self-absorbed and man-hungry, Alora was kind and sweet, and Branwen was the matriarch of the group. You wouldn't think this lot would get along, but they actually did, and their differences merely become the fuel for innocuous hi-jinks week after week.”
"With Gorion's Ward's help, Cernd was able to rescue his child that he then abandoned again at the druid grove near Trademeet. He promised that he would return to raise the child, he just needed to run to the general shop in Trademeet for some pipeweed. He never returned, but that was pretty obvious since he didn’t even smoke. Cernd continued to wander Faerun. It came to light in Cormyr that Cernd had actually married, and had children, with numerous women in Cormyr, Amn, the Sword Coast, Tethyr, Calimshan, Turmish, Halruaa, Icewind Dale, Chondath, Sembia, Impiltur, the Silver Marches, and even the Troll Hills (don't ask). Furthermore, it was discovered that Cernd was not actually a druid, just a werewolf that had a Ring of Goodberries. The druid con was so that he could have a reason to abandon his wives and children and move on to a new situation. You would be surprised at how many women could fall for a guy that can conjure an impromptu picnic in the park. Unfortunately for Cernd, Cormyr was not the kind of place to run afoul of the legal system. For the crime of bigamy, he was sentenced to life in prison. He never set foot near a druid grove again, but he was allowed to participate in a work-release program tending to the gardens of nobles.
“Kagain returned to his shop and grew even more bitter, but not over what the death of Entar Silvershield's son had done to his reputation and business. Instead, he resented that even the Enhanced Edition of the game didn't give him a remotely decent companion quest. By Moradin's hammer, Cernd even had a pretty involved companion quest and the story there both starts and ends with a deadbeat dad! Also, Kagain can regenerate! Korgan can't even do that. And another thing! He was sick of people confusing the two of them as if all dwarves look alike or something. Ok, granted, they're both old dwarves with greying beards, but Korgan's beard is tied while Kagain's beard is brushed out. Of course, none of this made sense to anyone, even to Kagain who never actually crossed paths with Cernd or Korgan. However, the dwarf had nothing to do with his time except stand in his shop, isolated and alone, until he was done in by insanity and plantar fasciitis.”
“The death of Khalid shook Jaheira to the core. She convinced herself that she could never love again, certainly not so soon after his death nor with anyone that would be a child in her eyes. That would be absurd and rather tacky. After her escape from Irenicus' prison and deposing Faldorn from the druid grove, she took over as Arch-Druid. Being a Harper just wouldn't be the same without Khalid. However, the grove would allow her to explore a new, but comfortingly familiar, phase of life. She had barely been installed as the Arch-Druid when Cernd dropped off his child and disappeared again. He did not even stay long enough to tell Jaheira the child's name. Knowing he would likely not return, she named the child Khalid after her lost love. Realizing there were other children our there without families to care for them, Jahaeira would send her subordinates to wander nearby lands and bring them to the grove for a better life. Perhaps not surprisingly, many of these children happened to be Cernd's. She eventually renamed the grove to Kinder Garden in honor of the grove's new purpose of giving these children a kinder upbringing. Jaheira's headstrong personality served her well with these lost children, who all loved her as they would any mother. The Kinder Garden became the most thriving druid grove in all of Faerun. Jaheira eventually died in 1547 DR, with hundreds of children haven been rescued in her lifetime, and a memorial was erected in her honor at the grove. The inscription read, 'Nature's Servant Awaits.'"
“After being freed from Irenicus' dungeon, Minsc put his boots on the ground at the Copper Coronet. Being the simple man that he was, he found himself unwittingly recruited into fighting in the gladiator pits (before Gorion's Ward was able to free the slaves). Yet again, Minsc took a blow to the head. But this time, its effects were something completely new. No longer was he the slow-witted evil-slaying ranger, armed to the teeth and packing a hamster. Instead, his intelligence and wisdom started to blossom and he explored, through dissertation, the impact of modern civilization on the overall ecosystem of Faerun. Indeed, before Minsc started his work, the people of Faerun didn't even have the concept of an ”ecosystem". He left Athkatla to pursue a residency at Jaheira's grove where he could study and work in peace. He published works like, “The Intersection of Geopolitics and Biodiversity: Living More but Dying Sooner”, “The Essential Symbiosis Between the Savage and Civilization”, and “Moral Urbanization: Seeking a More Comprehensive Prosperity”. Minsc continued his studies and writing and ultimately produced enough groundbreaking works to have his own annex in Candlekeep. It was shortly after the dedication of this annex that Minsc disappeared from Faerun, never to be seen again."
“Jan Jansen's fate was the most impressive of all as his endeavors shaped the very fabric of Faerun for centuries to come. His story truly serves as a moral lesson for everyone and we should heed its virtue quite seriously. Helping Lissa and Jaella planted a seed of regret in Lissa with regards to her marriage to Vaelag. Speaking of seeds, this reminds Jan of a time when he was helping his Uncle Scratchy with his turnip farm. However, Uncle Scratchy was hoodwinked and the seeds he received were actually purple carrot seeds. You can imagine Uncle Scratchy's surprise when they sprouted and he suddenly had a field of purple carrots. Well, as you probably know, you can't make turnip stew, or turnip casserole, or turnip pie with purple carrots. But it just so happened there was a mage tower nearby and the resident mage needed a vast number of carrots. Apparently, her plan was to animate them as a kind of vegetable army to combat a myconid infestation in cave system rather close to her tower. Of course, animated carrots are quite self-assured and were immune to myconoid's confusion spores. Anyway, Jan had a once-removed cousin, Bobil, that was lost in those caves when he was a young gnome. He had wandered so deep that he found himself in the den of a solitary xvart who was obsessed with a magic ring. Bobil happened to purloin that ring but it turned out to not be magic at all. However, it was still worth enough for Bobil to buy himself a nice cottage in Trademeet. He then started his own turnip farm and had better luck than Uncle Scratchy. Wait, what were we talking about, again?”
“Boo continued his mission to study the sentient life forms of Faerun and determine their potential impact on the metaverse. He preferred the continued company of Minsc due to the ranger's kindness and protectiveness. Boo found this to be quite valuable in his current miniaturized state. Even after Minsc's accident, where his intellect began to expand, Minsc never lost his good heart and inherent kindness and the two remained the best of friends. It was a number of years later that the term of Boo's mission was complete. A team of his fellow people arrived on a spelljammer to collect the giant miniaturized space hamster. Minsc (and Boo) were on a retreat in a remote part of the Neverwinter Wood when a vessel shaped like a giant acorn landed in a nearby clearing. A number of human-sized anthropomorphic hamster-like beings, who called themselves the Ysoki, emerged and met with Boo. One had a strange crystalline device which it used to restore Boo to his proper size. Minsc naturally remained composed while all this was happening. He and Boo talked often and he knew this day would be coming. Boo returned to the spelljammer with his brethren to debrief on the mission. The Ysoki wanted to bring a sample back to their homeworld for further learning and study. Boo offered Minsc for the task, as the exemplar human would fit in nicely with the Ysoki's advanced culture and society. Everyone was in agreement and made the offer to the ranger. Minsc felt like he had made every contribution he could to the people of Faerun, so he accepted and boarded the ship. Boo, excited to finally be on a spelljammer again, took the helm and plotted a course for his homeworld. At his side sat his friend and faithful companion, Minsc.”

Credit for original idea goes to VoodooOprah, I just tweaked it
The Oath of Ambition calls to those paladins who strive for power above all other things and who let nothing stand in their way. Each paladin's motivation will be different. Some wish to use the power they aspire to to better their homeland, write fair laws, and ensure equality, while others simply want power for its own sake, so that their will might be brought upon the world. Often called gilded knights or turncloak knights, you may find these warriors in the halls of nobility, petitioning the court and maneuvering around their political rivals, or in the battlefield, leading bands of warriors in an effort to overthrow a ruling class.
Above all, these paladins are pragmatists, using whatever method they deem necessary to achieve their goals. They will lie, cheat, scheme, and betray if it serves them at that moment. Though those who have taken this oath may espouse the virtues of liberty or justice, and sincerely believe in them, they will just as quickly poison an innocent man, or ruin one's life with a well placed word. For these knights, all means are justified by the ends.
Tenets of Ambition
The tenets of the Oath of Ambition hold the paladin's own goals above all else. They care not for morality or ethics, which only serve to hamper their plans.
Strive for Greatness. I shall always search for opportunities to better my station. Through power I can achieve my goals.
Seize the Opportunity. When a crisis presents itself, I shall use it. When a foe shows weakness, I shall exploit it.
Suffer no Rivals. I know the value of an ally, but I shall not hesitate to destroy them should they seek to subvert me.
Stymie the Opposition. I shall strike down any who threaten my dream without mercy or hesitation. Remorse and regret are for the weak of mind.
Oath of Ambition Spells per Paladin Level
3rd disguise self, hex 5th invisibility, suggestion 9th enemies abound, slow 13th confusion, freedom of movement 17th skill empowerment, steel wind strike
Ambition's Celerity: You can use your Channel Divinity to move quickly. As a bonus action, you can enhance your speed. When you use this feature, and then as a bonus action on each of your subsequent turns, you can take the Dash action. This effect lasts for one minute.
Turn Traitor: You can use your Channel Divinity to draw someone to your cause. As an action, you can whisper a magical phrase to a creature within 10 feet of you that shares a language with you and can hear you. That creature must make a Wisdom saving throw, and does so with advantage if you are fighting it. If it fails its saving throw, it is charmed by you for 1 minute, or until you or your allies attack it, damage it, or force it to make a saving throw. The charmed creature regards you as a friendly acquaintance. While charmed, the creature must speak truthfully. When the effect ends, the creature doesn't know why it held you in such regard or made such a slip of the tongue. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the creature knows you tried to enchant it.
Aura of Haste: At 7th level, your presence invokes a desire to act. You gain a +10ft bonus to your base movement speed, and you and friendly creatures within 10 feet are immune to difficult terrain while you are conscious.
At 18th level, the range of this aura increases to 30 feet.
Divesting Strikes: Starting at 15th level, your holy attacks strip an enemy of their vigor and bestows it to you. Once per turn, when you hit a creature with a divine smite, (including spells such as wrathful smite, banishing smite, etc.) you regain hit points equal to 1d4 + your Charisma modifier, unless your modifier is negative.
King of Longing: At 20th level, you gain the ability to physically manifest your ambition. For 1 minute, a shadowy aura follows you in a 30 foot radius while illusory black wings sprout from your back. You gain a flying speed equal to twice your current movement speed, and the area is lightly obscured for all but you and your allies. (This obscurity cannot be dispelled by magical or nonmagical means). Any attacks against you or your allies have disadvantage while within the aura. Additionally, attacks of opportunity cannot be taken against you.
Using an action, a creature within the aura can make a Wisdom (Perception) check against the Paladin's Spell Save DC in order to see through the veil. If a creature succeeds this check, it is immune to the obscuring and disadvantage effects of this feature for its remaining duration.
Once you use this feature, you cannot use it again until you finish 1d4 long rests.

I (34f) have noticed that the older I get, I have so much less tolerance for my friends’ entitled and suffocating habits. I am in a place now where I’m finding easier to phase people out of my life because they can’t see beyond their own selfish existence.
One friend sends me anywhere from 5-10 Instagram links a day via text, and maybe another 5-10 links on Instagram. And then she quizzes me on them and asks if I’ve watched them and gets upset if I don’t watch them. I do if and when I have the time and energy, I also just don’t want to be on social media all day and I have a life and career and things to do.
So after she got annoyed that I haven’t watched a bunch, she was like “I’m never sending you anything again.” This is a 40 year old unemployed woman. So now, instead of sending me links, she’ll tell me about something and say “did you hear about xyz? Look it up. Because I’m not sending it to you.”
It’s passive aggressive and annoying and I explained to her that having me hunt for articles about what she’s talking about is dramatic, passive aggressive, time consuming, and over the top . She said that I don’t care about the things that she likes. I tried explaining to her that I don’t have the time or energy to watch and respond to videos all day (other people also send me things… it’s a lot tbh) and she just made it so unnecessarily weird.
I know she’s always saying that she’s bored and lonely, but it puts a lot pressure on me to always be available to her and I just can’t. I recently dumped a close friend who was the energy vampire of the century who was constantly threatening to harm herself if I didn’t make myself available to her and she would send me pictures and videos of herself pinching herself with rubber bands and random bruises all over her body (I know. I don’t know how these people find me) and eventually I told her to get help bc I couldn’t be her 24/7 crisis hotline and she said she was DEVASTATED bc she doesn’t have anyone else so talk to and said she couldn’t be friends anymore. She would call me at all hours of the night and day because she was afraid of what she might do to herself, and she’d be like “FINE. I’ll just call crisis services.” She would get upset if I was on a date with my boyfriend and did not pick up the phone to listen to her multitude of problems. She would actually say “can you ask David to cut me some slack? I’m struggling.” And then the pictures would come. Girl bye, I’m done.
I feel like some people are so entitled and lack self awareness. My circle of friends is getting very small because I refuse to be sucked dry by stunted, needy people every day of my life. I’m not a therapist. My job isn’t to look at stupid social media crap at the drop of a hat.
Do you find it easier to dump friends the older you get?