Cheats for desire and submission

Ladies and gentlemen, extraterrestrials, and sentient AI overlords! Gather 'round because Zane Zany is about to take you on a wild ride through the mind-bending, reality-twisting, coffee-spilling world of fractal art! Yes, you heard it right—fractals, those brain-melting, visually addictive patterns that make you question if nature's been watching too much sci-fi. Buckle up, buttercups, because we're diving into the recursive rabbit hole of fractal geometry, where Mother Nature herself is the original nerdy artist.
First, let's talk about fractals. Imagine you’re scrolling through Netflix, and instead of choosing between true crime documentaries and that new reality show where people date while hanging upside down, you stumble upon an endless loop of visually stunning, infinitely complex patterns. These, my friends, are fractals—the artistic equivalent of getting lost in the comment section of a viral TikTok.
Fractals are essentially shapes that repeat themselves on different scales. Think of them as the visual manifestation of your favorite TV show that keeps rebooting itself. One of the most famous fractals is the Mandelbrot set, which looks like a trippy explosion of paisleys on LSD. You zoom in on one part, and bam! There’s another paisley party going on in there. It’s like a never-ending series of Russian nesting dolls, but way more psychedelic.
Now, Mother Nature, being the ultimate overachiever, decided to use fractals to design some of her best work. Ever noticed how a cauliflower looks like a tiny, edible brain? Or how lightning bolts resemble the family tree of Zeus's illegitimate children? That’s fractal geometry in action, folks! Nature has been using fractals to show off her math skills long before humans decided to scribble them on their trapper keepers.
Let’s take a closer look at the wacky world of fractal art, where the line between art and science blurs more than my vision after too much screen time. Imagine digital landscapes that look like Salvador Dalí on a coding binge. Artists like Hal Tenny and Kerry Mitchell create these digital masterpieces that make your eyes pop out like a cartoon character seeing a pie on a windowsill. Their works are a mix of math wizardry and artistic flair, transforming complex equations into visual feasts that make you wonder if you’ve accidentally ingested something illegal.
But wait, there’s more! It’s not just digital; hand-drawn fractal art is a thing too. Picture an artist with the patience of a saint and the determination of someone binge-watching an entire season of "Stranger Things" in one sitting. These artists meticulously draw each tiny, repeating pattern by hand. It's like watching Bob Ross on speed, each "happy little accident" turning into a mesmerizing fractal forest.
One of the coolest things about fractal art is how it mimics the infinite complexity of natural forms. It’s like nature’s way of saying, “I see your doodles, and I raise you a universe.” For instance, the branching patterns of trees, blood vessels, and even the internet’s favorite—snowflakes—are all fractal patterns. These natural fractals are so precise that they make human-made fractal art look like a kindergarten drawing contest.
Now, let's get real for a moment and talk about the science behind these bad boys. Fractals are the product of simple mathematical rules repeated over and over. It’s like taking your favorite GIF and putting it on an infinite loop until your brain melts. This process, known as iteration, is the secret sauce behind those stunning fractal images. And if you think that’s nerdy, just wait until you hear this: fractals are used in everything from computer graphics to diagnosing heart disease. Talk about a glow-up from mere doodles to lifesavers!
Alright, my intergalactic audience, let's sprinkle in some contemporary pop culture because why not? Imagine if Marvel’s Doctor Strange teamed up with Picasso after a bender at a hacker convention. That’s the level of surreal you get with fractal art. Or think about "Rick and Morty" if they decided to explore the infinite realities within a single broccoli floret. Fractals are the multiverse theory of art and science—every zoom reveals another layer of mind-blowing complexity.
And speaking of complexity, let’s not forget about the applications. Fractals aren’t just pretty pictures; they have real-world uses that would make even Tony Stark jealous. For example, in telecommunications, fractal antennas are all the rage. They’re tiny, efficient, and look like they belong in a sci-fi movie. These antennas use fractal patterns to pick up a wide range of frequencies, making your smartphone signals stronger than my desire for a pizza right now.
But fractals aren't just solving tech problems—they're also helping scientists understand natural phenomena. Take the coastlines of continents, for instance. They’re not straight lines but jagged, irregular shapes that resemble, you guessed it, fractals! By studying these patterns, scientists can predict erosion and even help with environmental conservation. It’s like Mother Nature gave us a cheat code to understand her secret plans.
Now, let’s wrap this mind-bending journey with a bow, shall we? Fractal art is the glorious intersection where art and science have a wild, late-night party and invite everyone they know. It’s proof that math isn’t just for nerds—it’s the creative force behind the beauty of the natural world and the digital masterpieces that leave us awestruck. So, next time you’re out in nature or lost in a fractal video loop, remember that you’re witnessing the same principles that make your phone work, keep planes in the air, and help us understand the universe.
So, there you have it, folks! Fractal art: where geometry, nature, and a splash of human creativity come together to blow our minds. It's the ultimate nerdy art form that proves even the most complex mathematical principles can be stunningly beautiful. And remember, whether you’re a digital artist, a nature lover, or just someone who likes trippy patterns, fractals have something to offer. Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for the hidden patterns in life, and don’t forget to tip your server. Zane Zany, signing off!

When I’ve looked for what people think the hidden track Damone, is about, they usually say that it’s either about Chino’s girl cheating on him, or him getting friendzoned/rejected.
Despite this I’m pretty sure the song is about Chino’s wife not wanting to have sex with him, similar to Dai the Flu.

Sleep in this hole
Stinging in your eyes
Ashamed
For you 'cause

So the first verse starts with a very haunting “Sleep in this hole”. This could mean many things, but for my theory it represents his wife agreeing to let him have sex with her, basically saying he can enter her body or whatever.
Then the line “Stinging in your eyes” is about how while they’re having sex, she’s either tearing up or crying. Pretty grim.
Then he is “ashamed for you (her)”, probably meaning he’s ashamed of both himself and her (he takes quite a while while to say "for you" so I think that he really is ashamed of them both, and the lyric kind of functions as him saying two things), as he doesn’t feel like his partner desires him, an integral part of any marriage.
For this first chorus:

So far, I've been down, that's true

So this likely, imo, means he’s been down to have sex but it could also mean he’s been down (bad) lol.
Second verse:

Shake in lie
About to fall
Ashamed
For you 'cause

“Shake in lie”, could easily mean his wife makes up a lie in order to not be intimate with him. A maybe more interesting theory would be that his wife basically keeps lying that she wants to have sex with him (maybe the shake part is her shaking in anxiety while she agrees, or shakes her body, sexually in order to make him think she wants it or something), but either doesn’t participate much or breaks down during the middle of it.
“About to fall”, meaning either him, her, their marriage, or all of it is about to fall to pieces/collapse due to this.
Main chorus:

So far, I've been down, that's true
Except for your arms
You start, stand still and shove regret back at me

"Except for your arms" could mean many things. Maybe she doesn't hold or touch him while their fucking, I'm not sure.
"You start, stand still and shove regret back at me" likely means that she agrees to have sex, starts, but she doesn't participate at all, or breaks down, and he regrets even trying, making him ashamed of himself, and her.
Bridge thing:

Why (what's up)
I just ask you why (what's up)
One, two
Why (why)
Why (why)
Why (why)
If I ask you why (what's up)
If I ask you why (what's up)
One, two
Why (why)
Why (why)
Why (why)

I think this whole passage is either about him asking her "Why, what's up", either because she cried while they were fucking, or she doesn't want to in the first place.
Third verse:

Soon I'll be in you, laughter sigh
I'm so ashamed for you 'cause

So all the lyrics say that he says "So I've been you", but unless there's official lyrics released for this song somewhere that I can't find, I'm 99% sure he says "Soon I'll be in you". This, followed by "Laughter sigh" is likely him at first being excited to have sex, followed by him reflecting on the situation after she rejects his advances again, and laughing because it's so ridiculous it's funny, before coming back to reality and sighing.
Fourth verse:

This feeling gets old, and so do your eyes
This is why, I hate you 'cause

So, the feeling of her not wanting him gets so old that the lack of intimacy causes him to stop loving her as he begins to hate her. The "so do your eyes part" could mean many things, but it probably means that her eyes don't have the life or love in them that he used to see.
Idk, I think this makes by far the most sense and I don't think it's really the accepted meaning. Such a fantastic song. Chino must of had to deal with so much intense pain in his life, some of these songs are so tortured.

I remember the first time I played War of the Monsters on the PS2 was when my dad brought home a copy of the game and played with me and my siblings. I grew up watching monster movies and instantly loved this game. It has been 20 years since I have first played this, I decided to write this guide in advanced tricks and techniques that I have developed from my experiences playing this game. I hope you enjoy this read and that It increases your appreciation of this hidden gem.
There are many guides online that cover combos, tactics, item placements, boss guides, level guides, cheats, etc. This is not one of those. This will cover more niche and advanced techniques that you can use to enhance your capability in your gameplay.
This guide will be written with the assumption that the control scheme is set at control 'B' which you can set in the pause screen during a game. (I think most people have it set at 'A') It shouldn't effect how these techniques function but something to keep in mind.
This is a work in progress and I will edit this thread as I come across new info and insights into the game.
Glossary: Movement Special Attacks Rage Utility Map Awareness Advanced Combat
\\\\MOVEMENT////////
The monsters in the game have varying movement speeds (running, climbing), jump heights, and flying speeds. However even with the slowest monster you can work around the lack of speed with enough practice utilizing the following methods and the environment to your advantage. Little is more scary than a slow monster like Agamo zooming around your foes mwahaha!

The Dashing Mechanic<<<

As listed in the instruction manual, this allows your monster to sprint at the cost of energy by double-tapping and holding the foward button until expended or pressing the ram button.

Launching<<< You can use the ram button to launch yourself off buildings, ramps, and rock formations to get extra height quickly (a mechanic that the mini game 'Big Shot' is soley based around).

This is particularly useful in maps like baytown where theres a lot of verticality in the environment.

Super Fast Flying<<< This ram mechanic is especially useful for flying monsters like Preytor and Raptros. Executing the dash-ram in conjunction with holding 'x' right after ramming while on the edge of a building or flat surface will result in a blisteringly fast flight speed that gives you better movement and height. Preytor is super fast with this method while Raptros has better airtime and control, though the speed difference is minor. Raptros is my prefrence due to the better airtime, control, and Projectile damage.
Firing projectiles while flying<<< Raptros and Preytor both have the ability to capitalize on their aerial advantage by firing projectiles mid glide. You can accomplish this by performing the glide holding X and while holding glide tap the □ button to fire. This takes energy though so maintaining altitude is key. the most effecient way to do this is to execute the dash>ram>fly combo to get extra speed, glide up over your opponent and lock-on to them to spin like a vulture firing down on your target.
Lock-On Steering<<< You may notice that while dashing, your ability to steer your monster is stiff. This technique will allow you to navigate around all those tight corners on a dime while dashing! This is more tricky to execute because it is depenent on where your opponents are located around you. This is indicated on the HUD as these numbered circles that show the health status of your opponents.

While sprinting using the dash, hold the lock-on button to force your monster to take a tight turn in the direction of the closest target. This is great for adjusting after missing your target.
For simply turning tight corners, simply tap the lock-on button instead while the opponents icons are on the side you want to turn.
There is a brief charge up before a dash, if you time your lock on just before the dash activates, you can pull up to a sharp 180 degree turn on your opponent if you missed the first dash-ram.
There is some wiggle room in the timing to play around with and practice your navigation using this technique.

Building Hopping<<< Every monster has different climbing speeds, some are fast like Kineniclops and Preytor, some are slow such as Agamo and Togera.

Building Hopping is the simple action of jumping while climbing a building. Repeating this cycle of (jump+grab+jump+grab+jump) will do two things:

1. It will add more speed to slower monsters climbing
2. It will reduce your contact to the building by about 80% and greatly reduce the chance of getting knocked down when an opponent is throwing projectiles.

\\\\SPECIAL ATTACKS////////
Every monster has two special attacks at their disposal under two categories; Close range and Long range. This chapter will cover the expansive utility of both types.

Short Range Special<<< Despite the differences in the vibrant animations, all monsters share the short range special attack in common. The only difference between them as far as I can ascertain Is the the time it takes to start up the blast (Ultra V being almost instant and zorgulon Taking 1.5 seconds). The purposes most common is to give yourself space when surrounded or cornered, and to have a quick and strong offense to your opponent knocking them down. However there is more utility in this attack when you think of this as a defensive move.
Invincibility Frames<<< The short range special attack gives you about 2-3 seconds of invincibility frames meaning almost nothing can damage you aside from falling buildings. This is excellent as a defense against thrown objects, explosives, lightning, short and long range special attacks, and environmental hazards.
Long Range Special<<< Every monster has a unique long range special attack that has different effects and ranges. There is more nuance in how you can utilize these attacks, so I will cover each monsters long range special individually so you can make the most out of these attacks:

1. Raptros' Fire Breath Raptros has a unique advantage in regards to how he uses this attack. He can activate it on the ground AND while mid-flight. Additionally, he can fire his projectiles while using his fire breath to squeeze in extra damage (There is a weird glitch where doing this turns the flame invisible, but the effect is still active). This also hinders opponents and catches them on fire.
   
2. Togera's Atomic Breath Similar to 'Raptros's Fire Breath' Togera's Breath has similar range and hinders opponents. The difference is that it deals more damage. You can also fire his projectiles while using his breath for pretty nasty damage.
   
3. Preytor's Flying Leeches Leechs not very damaging by itself, it is a decent threat if you can manage to chain up multiple specials around the map. (Ex. In Metro City there are multiple red orbs, 50% energy, around the buildings and streets where you can chain at least 3 leeches). There are two minor benefits from the leeches: A. It gives the opponent something else to target or focus on A.I. or human B. Can't be blocked unless intercepted by thrown object or shot projectile, or using a special attack, thus resulting in multiplying damage stacks if chained. You can also spread the leeches out by locking on different targets while sending them.
   

*This Special attack is really best used in situations where the opponent won't have time to stop all of the leaches (preferabally up close) followed up with your own projectiles or thrown objects or follow up advances.

1. Congar's Sonic Roar Similar range to Raptros and Togera's Breaths, and Considerable damage and launches opponents far. It can reach through some buildings for full effect. You can also tilt congars head around to spread the roar around to get a wider spread. Opponent can block this attack or counter with a short range special.
   
2. Robo-47's Atomic Missile The most immediately damaging special in the game by far. It also launches opponents far like congars roar. It is very versatile at close range and long range. You can choose to fire quickly or wait to lock on the target for a more likely hit. You can tilt his head down to shoot the ground for a damaging 'short range' blast. You can also cancel the missile by pressing the block button for later use. It cannot be blocked unless opponent uses short range special or dodges.
   
3. Agamo's Head This special is unique in it can be used to farm for more energy considerably fast while weilding it, which in turn stocks you with an additional special when you are ready for the next head or short range attack. Creating an efficient cycle of banking more special attacks. It is damaging and knocks opponents down upon a confirmed hit. It also can be used as a bomb by pressing the long range special button a second time. This isnt great for throwing at enemies from a distance as an explosive, launching opponents. The head when thrown is also super bouncy and ricochets damaging buildings and knocking down opponents all the while gaining you energy.
   
4. Magmo's Eruption This special launches a barrage of fireballs at an opponent and juggles them into the air with good damage followed up with some decent fall damage. This can be paired with a second erruption when chaining with a second special pickup on the map. You can tilt magmo's head up first before locking on an opponent to send the fireballs over obstacles and tyen lock on to your opponent have a better chance to reach them.
   
5. Kineticlops's Lightning storm This is great for crowd control and anti-air with good range. The storm electricutes all nearby monsters in range and launches them upward. This is nice for discouraging flying enemies. You can also flick the lighting up and down for flavor just to show off but it won't do much damage.
   

*Its also nice using this special following a one-two combo of shocking an opponent with a power generator and throwing for a double shock.

1. Zorgulon's UFO Swarm Arguably the weakest of the long range specials, but it is still is fun to use and can be used in creative ways. If you lock-on a target while executing this special (provided they are not behind cover) you will fire this device that hover above the target that calls in ufos to harrass the opponent. The damage is varied based on how many shots are managed by the ufos and when the device is destroyed. There is a charge on the device that when run out releases the ufos and ends the special. This can be shortened if you damage them in any way. Another use is to place them in an area of interest, such as locations with resources like health, energy, or powerups. It is more defensive and punishes opponents for going where you don't want them to go. You can also grab these ufos for a weapon to attack with, gaining more energy or even fire their lasers at the opponent. while not practical is fun.
   
2. Ultra V's Grapple Cable This special does minor damage but can grab and pull an opponent across the map to you and stuns the enemy for a few seconds. This can be really nasty since it allows you options to set up a combo, launch them with a 360 kick, pull them into environmental hazards (bottomless pits, radioactive waste, powerlines, steam, tsunamis, falling buildings). It can be use up close for an easy stun or to take opponents away from reaching resources such as Health, Energy, or powerups. At long ranges it is best used at highground where line of sight is less blocked by obstacles. You can also send the grapple while holding any object for extra damage. The fan favorite method is to use explosives (gasoline truck, airplanes, fuel tanks) for an explosive combo! even if you miss with the grapple the impact of the explosive will hit the opponent if close enough. You can also use the grapple to damage buildings to knock opponents off the walls.
   

\\\\Rage Utility//////// Rage is an interesting mechanic that I think some people overlook as not that useful. It Is available once you collect enough energy that you energy bar flashes, and makes it so your following actions are more effiecient than standard usage. Instead of your energy being used up quickly it is unlimited until the rage runs out. I have not tested if Rage increases your damage output. I have focused this as more a tool for various tactics I came up with.

sprinting with rage<<< using the dash usually expends energy really fast. however with Rage, you can extend the time you can continue you sprint significantly. you can Also dash-ram infinitely until expended, which is scary when used in conjunction with the lock-on steering technique.
Firing projectiles with rage<<< Every monster has projectiles that have unique behaviors, have varying damage and cost. Every monster in general benefits from using rage to shoot more projectiles, the difference is in how you position yourself to shoot them effectively.

Flying monsters can use this to fire even more projectiles while in mid-flight without worrying about losing stamina, the unlimited energy also gives room to reposition the monster if more altitude is needed the damage is also decent from both of them.
Robots like Robo-47 and Ultra V have similar projectiles that pepper small damage but are very rapid. The faster you mash the □ button, the faster the firing rate. when using rage you can catch opponents with little cover and barrage them with a volley of lasers/bullets.
Kineniclops's projectile is unique that it is the slowest but has the most heat seeking property. You can shoot a lot with little cost and it deals decent damage especially if you can land multiple hits with them. with rage you can create an army of these lightning balls at some highground or running and jumping approaching them from different angles makes it hard for them to avoid the stacks in damage.
\\\\Map Awareness//////// This section will cover Map awareness and how to take advantage of the abundant resources in your game. knowing the layout of the map as well as intimately knowing the placement and respawn time of your resources will aid you so much in how you decide to approach the following setups we are about to cover here.

Resources<<< Resources are defined as anything on the map you can pick up that aids you (Health, Energy, Powerups, Items). The location of Health, Energy, and powerups on each map is static, though consistent and respawn after a period of time. Items However can both be static (pieces of a building, rocks, water towers) and dynamic (moving items like cars, helicopters, trains).
chaining resources<<< This is a series of actions that utilizes multiple resources for a desired outcome. (ex. gaining health/energy/damage).

For example, chaining a power transformer lightning bolt+throwing the transformer+radio tower spear impale+gasoline truck = a chain resulting in big damage to your opponent there are many combinations you can chain together with items its devistating when you know exactly when and where an item will be so you can in rapid succession throw items to juggle them from a distance.

chaining specials<<< For example, it is possible to set oneself up to use at least three specials in succesion easily in a map such as atomic island where the reactor in the center can recharge your special rapidly. Think of the possibilities with this alone, thats 3 to 4 flying leechs from preytor at once, 3-4 nuke missiles from robo- 47 and so on. Other maps have instances where if you have a special in stock you can position yourself next to another red orb or 50-100% energy and use a special of your choice and follow it up with an additional special that you subsequentally grab.

\\\\Advanced Combat//////// There are guides out there that cover the specific combos you can pull in sequence and I have a few quick tips to increase your combos, and increase your lethality.

Combo canceling<<< Each monster has varying speeds in execution and amount of hits they cam perform before they end with a launching strike. What I suggest when pursuing higher combos is to simply tap the block button before the launch. Speed is key here so results may vary. such as congar who is more combo focused with fast punches. You can unleash a lot of hits and tap the block button, the follow up with more hits. there is a chance that the opponent will have time to block so it takes practice.

so damn raw. My husband had a 14 month old affair with someone he claims he did not care for. Meaning, he only used her for sex. Reason for the affair is because he and I were not having sex, which is true. I had no desire after I had my hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy. I could get on meds to help, and no, I did not try anything else to see if I’d have the urge.
I struggle with the length of time of the affair, and I struggle in believing that he had no feelings for her. I read ALL the text messages between them, he called her sweetie, baby, honey, and babydoll. He also use the same terms of endearment with me. But there was one term he did not use with her, which was “My Love”. She told him multiple times, via text, that she loved him, but he never text it back. He would either ignore the text, or he’d respond by saying “I miss you.” They never stated the night together, even when they met up at hotels, or motels. She’d get her own room and she paid for it herself. He never cuddled with her, stayed the night with her, never were out in public together, or never bought her anything. She would meet up with him at his ranch lease and they would have sex in his RV, then she’s go back to the motel near by afterwards, or she would stay in his friend’s RV that was vacant, but never stayed overnight in his RV. She went every single time he was at the lease which was minimally once a weekend month, or twice a weekend. It’s also important to add that according to him, her, and through careful analysis of the text messages, she never stayed at his RV/ranch for more than 2 hours, unless she was in an RV next door. But never together. So weird, lol.
While in town, they met up every morning behind an alleyway and had sex in her car before work. So they would text and talk on the phone every morning, and after work and on the 2 hour drive to and from his lease. He never would leave the house once he was home with me, never left on weekends to run errands and was always affectionate and loving with me. NOTHING between us changed, meaning he did not treat me differently. He has always been attentive, loving and affectionate. He cuddled with me, rubbed my back every night, constantly kissed me, hugged me, bought my favorite snacks, and constantly told me he loved me. This is how he’s been with me for as long as I can remember. He’s always been like this with me. So even though I had a feeling and a few signs that I missed last year, he gave me NO indication of cheating.
When all this came out, I called the AP and she confirmed that he told her in the beginning that he would never leave me and that he loved me. I spoke to AP in person 2 weeks after DDay and she confirmed that he was never affectionate with her, never got to spend a night with him, he never bought her anything, never was out in public with her, never told anyone they were seeing each other, never caressed her, or held her. Said he occasionally held her hand and maybe hugged her once. She told me that she asked him once if he loved me and he said yes. She confirmed that he told her in the beginning of the affair that he would never leave me. She said they met up every morning for either sex or to give him his breakfast taco and his energy drink. She confirmed that he ever said anything negative about me, just said we weren’t having sex. She said that he told her we were roommates, like good friends, but that we didn’t sleep in separate bedrooms. He denies that comment though. She said he told her that he loved her, ONCE, which was on DDay, during a conversation. He denies that. I do have a tape recording of their convo, it’s how I busted him, but I have yet to clear it up as there is so much road noise in the background.
On DDay, he told her on the phone that he didn’t love her, blocked her number and blocked her on FB as well. He’s an NP and would occasionally see her as a patient, but has since declined to see her and recommend that she see the main MD. He’s been very proactive and going above and beyond. I see his remorse, we’ve cried together many times and we’ve started MC. He’s being absolutely wonderful, and patient, and I just cannot let it go. Meaning, I cannot let go of the length of time of the affair and I don’t believe him when he says it was ONLY sex with her. How can that be with the daily talks and text messages?! This is what I am struggling with because aside from the sex, them constantly talking is driving me nuts cuz I feel that he did care. He said he did all that as a rouse to keep her available. That she was easily manipulated. That’s why they talked and texted.
Sorry for the long read. Would appreciate any advice and thoughts as to whether or not you’d consider this JUST a sexual affair or not. And of course, coping advice. Thanks!

I'm a 42 year old male, I met my wife when I was 18, she was 23 and we began 'dating' when I was 21, working a job I hated in the same place she worked (casino workers, if you know, you know). We hooked up at a Xmas party and started a very awkward relationship. I say awkward because we had some weird trouble having sex for the first like 6 months... it's odd when I think back on it, should have been a huge red flag but she was draped in reg flags the entire time and it didn't seem matter to me. Aside from that, when we finally did have sex she got pregnant... she was not at all ready, neither was I really, but are you ever? At any rate, I didn't have too much of say in it, she decided on an abortion and I supported her. We stayed together after that horribly shitty experience, our relationship was never really all that good, lots of petty fighting/arguing and really the only reason it continued was because we worked opposite shifts and barely saw each other which made it easier to sorta get along.
Fast forward a couple years, we decide to buy a house because financially it made sense (this is almost 20 years ago so it was still affordable at that time), she made quite a bit of money, mostly in tips (so not on paper), but she probably made 2-3 times as much as I did so she never really struggled financially (in her life I don't think) while I came out of poverty and lived paycheck to paycheck up until a few years ago (the pandemic was surprisingly good for my career). This was never really an issue for me, I've lived in debt my whole life and I've always had the optimism that I would eventually work my way out of it, it's really the only bit of confidence I have in myself, my ability to learn and become relatively good at almost anything. This was always a point of contention, my wife hated that I had debt so when we bought the house together we were asked if we wanted a joint bank account as most couples combine their finances with cohabitation, my wife scoffed and adamantly told the banker there was no way she's mixing her finances with mine, it was relatively embarrassing at the time but I was also just 25 (she was 30) so I went along with whatever, it was going to be slightly cheaper for me to pay a mortgage than rent at the time so I was in and she'd cover bills. Things were never that great when living together, things must have been good enough for me to stay but I only look back with anger now so it's hard to see anything good but I'm sure there must have been some.
Fast forward another couple years and I feel extremely pressured (by her and her family mostly, they're old fashioned country type folks) to ask her to marry me... so I do. We stay engaged for another few years, I have no desire to waste a bunch on money on a wedding but she's the one with money so we have the big wedding she wanted. I'll admit it was a pretty great party, I don't remember anything good involving her on our wedding day but I have lots of good memories with family and friends. Afterwards we went on a 'romantic' honeymoon at an all-inclusive tropical resort and this is where I'll get into a bit of what I've dealt with for years... our resort was gorgeous, room was nice, just a room but nice... first thing my wife did was complain, about everything, the bed, the fridge, the lights, the balcony... nothing was good enough for her, this would become a common theme for the next decade plus. We also did not have sex on our honeymoon, she was far too busy complaining and being angry for us to ever get in the 'mood', this would be more foreshadowing of what's to come.
Now, this might seem like I'm building up to her becoming really bad after getting married but that's not really the case... she was just as bad before, it didn't really get worse, it just became more noticeable... or maybe I just tolerated things more in the beginning. The truth is when I look back, there were so many signs, she casually put me down and basically treated me like a child from day one, something I just accepted because looking back, I was a fucking child when we got together... she was not really, five years my senior, and she very much took advantage of that dynamic. Over the years she slowly went about convincing me that the things I wanted were silly/ridiculous and that I should want what she wanted (the nice lawn, the house, kids, etc., etc.) because everyone should. I never wanted these things.
I won't get into details here because I could write a novel on the insane shit I've dealt with over the last 20 years that could prove this, but I did do a lot of research in the last few years and have come to the conclusion that she could have BPD with narcissistic traits... I'm obviously not a doctor so it's definitely not a diagnosis or anything but she ticks almost every box from the many many things I've read on the subject, so if you have a moment and you don't know what BPD is I suggest googling it. It's pretty terrible but it might give you a better idea of my life.
At any rate, I dug myself deeper and deeper, thinking that every next move would finally make her happy and bring me some kind of peace, so we had a child about a year after we were married. This is where it gets really tricky... I sincerely regret having a child with this woman, especially because she is not at all "cut out to be a mother" (her words, not mine) but her mother had been sick on and off with cancer for a few years and her older sister couldn't have children so she felt obligated to give her mom a grandchild, bad reasons all around to have a child. That being said, I love my son more than anything in the world. As much as I wish we did not bring him into this horrible world, he's still the very best thing to happen to me and I will take care of him and love him for the rest of my life no matter what.
I should mention, since I've eluded to it, I've always had self-esteem issues, goes all the way back to having acne problems in high school but my wife has methodically picked away at my confidence and self-esteem over the years, cutting me down to this very day... to the point that I feel very much worthless. I know that I'm not, I know I deserve better but another fun thing about my wife is her desperate need for sympathy... So, not only does she make me feel horrible about myself, she also manages to make me feel horrible FOR her... she's overweight, and I'm sure has low self-esteem herself but she has decided to take it out on others rather than internalize and try to make things better for herself. She would rather blame others for any of her short comings, I guess it's easier to convince yourself you can't do anything about it when it's someone else fault.
I apologize, because I feel like I'm a bit all over the place but I guess I'm just trying to set the scene for where I'm at now and give just a small glimpse of the hell I've been living in and how I got here...
The first few years of my sons life were pretty great (comparatively at least), honestly it was probably the best we've ever gotten along, probably because most of my focus (and hers) was on our son. Unfortunately, her mother passed away just after my son's first birthday, this was obviously devastating for her, not unexpected but still devastating. We're lucky in Canada because she had a full year maternity leave and was able to spend time with her mom. She took it very hard, and decided to stay off work for an additional 4-6 months (can't remember exactly). This was all fine and understandable, I supported her through all of it, financially and emotionally. Once she went back to work, this is when things took a real nose dive... she has always been a very entitled person but upon going back to work (part time I should mention) she decided everything was horrible for her so she was going to make it horrible for everyone around her. This went on for around 4-5 years (again, the time frames get fuzzy because it's been so long), it was hell. I really just plowed through for our son, I made him my main focus and I took care of everything. Without going into it too much, I sort of shifted gears with my job and focused on finding something that worked better for raising a kid, I got onto a full time day shift (unheard in the casino world) and we worked opposite shifts. It was pretty good for child care (that we couldn't afford) as one of us was always home. This made her more contentious... again, going back to the entitled thing, she felt it wasn't 'fair' for me to work a good shift, she should be the one doing that. I eventually worked my way out of casinos and into a work from home job (before COVID) and it was great, she could work whatever shift she had to and I would always be around for our son.
Fast forward again, my son's in school, she's still super angry at life and making things hellish but I do my best to make it good for our son. It's difficult to keep a smile on with him while putting up with temper tantrums and fits from my wife... yes, we had a toddler and she was the one who threw fits. For an example, I can recall one specific Xmas where my son and I were playing video games which is his biggest interest, something she absolutely hates, and she made a few comments about how we should be doing family things together for Xmas (it was Xmas eve), so my son and I got off the computer and played a board game in the living room... nice and wholesome fun I thought. My wife throws a fit, full on screaming and slamming things around, I don't even remember what for exactly, it happens so often I can't keep track anymore. Her temper tantrum ends with her storming off and slamming the door to her room. I'll never forget looking at my son right after, him tearing up a bit and asking me "what is wrong mom?" and I just said "I'm really sorry buddy, I don't know" and we hugged... I cried a lot about that that night, one of many times I would have to apologize for her and the way she acts around him. This is just one small example and a terrible Xmas memory that I'll always have, hopefully my son won't. I think the worst part of these 'tantrums' is that she can almost always justify them, only to herself really but usually by blaming me or my son for "making her so upset" or worse, blaming some inanimate object for "not working how it should".
Fast forward to now(ish)... I've basically lived in my basement for the last 5 years, my office and bedroom are there, I stay down there to avoid my wife as much as possible but it feels like a prison cell now. I've retreated from life in general over the years too, I've always been a pretty anti-social introvert, I prefer quiet one on one conversations rather than group settings. Most of my 'friends' over the last 10-15 years revolved around my job (casinos take over your life people, for real) and my wife, I slowly lost any friends that had no connection to her. This was partially due to me retreating and the fact that my wife would insert herself into any friendship that was just mine to the point that I sort shut those people out to avoid them having to deal with her. Sadly, I don't have friends anymore (didn't have many to begin with but still), my son is essentially my only friend and because I work from home by myself I rarely talk to any other adults. My wife and I talk only when necessary... I cannot make eye contact with her anymore. This is probably needless to say but we haven't had sex in over 6 and a half years and I don't cheat, I don't have the confidence, so I've just accepted that I'm celibate now.
One other area of contention that I feel I should explain since I've mentioned it already, through the pandemic there was a serious power shift, financially speaking. She essentially lost her job and is now in a lower paying part time job (more realistic pay compared to her previous job), whereas I made a couple job changes that bumped me up well ahead of her. For comparison, the salaries essentially flipped, almost exactly... to where I make 2-3 times what she makes. This has become an area of contention because this was something she was able to lord over me for the majority of our relationship, she spent money freely while I paid the mortgage and barely ate for the first 5 years we lived in the house but now, for the first time in her life she has to pay attention to her finances and watch her spending... she does not like this so it's just another thing to constantly complain about and make passive aggressive comments about the things that 'dad' can afford to do/buy but doesn't (mainly because I'm paying the mortgage and all the bills now while finally paying down some debt).
Oh, I should probably also mention that it's a regular thing for her to insult me and put me down in front of our son and on flip side of that she also uses him to garner sympathy from me ("shouldn't daddy feel bad mommy has to go to work?") it's very frustrating because I just want to protect my kid but I guess she knows that.
Again, I'll apologize for how disjointed this all is... the more I type, the more I think about shit to type... like I mentioned, I could write a novel on this, mostly because I have no real outlet, just sit in my basement talking to myself about it all... or I guess stewing in it.
So, I guess I should try to finish off with what exactly the advice is that I'm seeking... I essentially hate my wife, the word I use often is 'despise' and over the years we've had brief conversations where I've told her that "I'm done and I'm just here for the kid" and unfortunately she took this as push to work on our marriage harder and 'fix' things, far too little, too late. She makes me feel like the worse person in the world and yet I just can't bring myself to say to her face that I want a divorce... I feel sorry for her, fuck so much so that I bought a house with her, married her, and had a fucking kid with her... I'm sure that's not the case, I must have loved her at one point but I just can't see it anymore. I don't know why I can't say it to her, why I can't just end this... I'm so worried about how she'll react, what she'll do to me, to my kid... how she'll try and turn him against me. I'm just paralyzed with the fear of what could/will happen if I tell her we're getting a divorce.
I've made plans over the last few years to move out, rent an apartment for me and my kid and just continue to pay her bills until we can sell the house and split the profit. I can't afford to do this, it would cause me to go back into debt but I do not care, it would be worth it to get away from her. I have set deadline after deadline... "I'll do it after Xmas" or "after her birthday" or "before my birthday" and these days come and go and I just can't do it... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, it's like I just don't want to hurt her, even though I'm hurting her by not ending things and she definitely doesn't give a shit about hurting me... I just don't want to face her and deal with it and how she will make the aftermath hell.. and I worry so much about my son, it would have been so much better for him if I would have divorced her years ago, he's fucking 10 now... another fear is having to explain it to him but we're setting a horrible example. One of my wife's favourite ways to use our son against me, is planting it in his head that "family is all that matters", focusing specifically on our little family, and how we have to "stick together no matter what, that's what family does". It's such an underhanded way to prep him for hating me because I'm "breaking up our family".
I would appreciate any advice on how the hell I can get over my paralyzing fear and just end this marriage or maybe you wanna come over and end it for me? I'm at a point where I'd take that... as I mentioned I've not shared most of this with anyone... so feedback would be a really new thing for me.
Oh, and please feel free to call me chicken shit, and tell me I just need to grow a pair and get this done... it's the same thing I've been saying to myself for years, not helpful but I understand the sentiment.
Shit... I'm sorry, this turned into a novel. Thank you.

Background: Husband (34) and I (30) are in the process of recovering after about 8 years of his serial lying and cheating. We have two small kids, built a wonderful life for ourselves, and I really pride myself on our family unit.
After his last bout of lying about women a little over a year ago, he started DBT therapy and took it very seriously. He ACTUALLY seems to have changed. He recognizes his past trauma that was unhealthy. He is an Army veteran and so there’s definitely a lot to unpack there, which he’s finally doing. He’s been working so, so hard for about 10 months. I see the effort and I HAVE seen some really positive changes as well. I want to give him credit for that because it did take so much work for him to get the help he needed. He’s doing great, for the first time ever.
However, I had to leave for a military obligation (I also am serving) and have been gone for about 6 months. We all visit at least once a month…but that’s where all the problems came to my attention.
I’m not that happy to see him whenever I do. It’s not that I’m unhappy or that I dread it…he’s just kind of a guy that’s in my house with the kids. I don’t miss him. I’m happy to see my children and miss them painfully every single day, so I don’t think I’m emotionally entirely broken. But when my husband and I reunite, I can’t even remember to kiss him and when I do it’s just so I can check it off my checklist of stuff I know “normal” couples do. I don’t feel like I can really be intimate (I’ve tried. It feels like I have to talk myself into it every time.) I don’t feel any desire or attraction. I can’t imagine making out with him. It’s almost like I still am living in a “me vs him” mentality and being intimate would be like sleeping with the enemy. How fucked is that?
We have almost nothing to talk about and everything, to me, seems so forced and awkward. He tries to keep them going because he’s trying to connect with me, but I just never feel like having a fake conversation. He never makes me laugh. I’m super silly, but I don’t feel like we can play together or joke or really do anything. We just talk about the kids and then ask each other dry questions about our day before I can’t take it anymore and make up an excuse to stop talking. It’s all taking a toll and I feel like he doesn’t even know who I am. I struggle to even care enough to want to know who he is now. I thought I knew him, but apparently I had no idea.
He says he feels unwanted because he’s always missing me and happy to see me but I’m cold and physically unavailable. I don’t even hug him. I told him that if he feels unwanted that he should try being me…I’ve always been 2nd, 3rd, or 4th place to whatever girl he was trying to be with at the moment. I can’t get these types of thoughts out of my head. I don’t think he loves me even though he shows me every day with how hard he’s working in therapy.
He sends me gifts, flowers and seems to think of me often, but when it comes down to it I struggle to meet him halfway. I almost look at his kind gestures like he doesn’t mean it…it’s only just so he can say he’s tried. I say thank you but I don’t feel anything…
I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to loosen up or to love him again. For the first time, he’s actually trying. He’s doing everything I needed from him the entire time. I’m frustrated with myself.
I’m away until at least January and he’s home with the kids, so divorce isn’t an option. I’d love to use this time away as a way to try and build us back up. I can’t help but feel like I’m the problem now. He’s doing all this work and I’m just so shut down I can’t even really feel the results for myself.
I WANT to want him. I want to laugh and like him. I want to get lost in conversation…I wish he was my friend again but I just cannot get myself to allow him to even see me be goofy. It feels too vulnerable. My trust is so far gone that I don’t even CARE if I’m being lied to or not (I don’t think I am, for the record). I just live day to day and try not to think about it all.
Has anybody been through anything similar? I want to reconcile. I want to recover. But I’m in my own way. How can I get through this? I don’t even know who I am…who he is…how can I help myself? Are there any specific methods you used to love again? Any thought processes that particularly helped you? Books? Podcasts? Talking points? I am open to anything.

Previous Part
Morning eventually came, banishing the eyes that seemed to peer at me through the night. It was strange how suddenly the feeling left me, making me think that someone really was watching me. The whole thing was really doing wonders for my paranoia. Despite the rough morning and sleepless night, I still found myself waiting outside Bianca’s house bright and early that morning. The air was cool but not chilly, one of those perfect days that’s cold enough you’ll never start sweating unless you really try, but warm enough that a T-shirt will get you through without too much trouble.
I only had to knock once before Bianca threw open the door.
“Where you just waiting there for me?”
I asked, cracking a smile and raising an eyebrow.
“You’ll never know” she added playfully, “Are we ready to go then?”
Bianca had made some preparations for the trip, she didn’t have a backpack ready to go but she definitely made an effort to dress the part… sort of. She was wearing an old grey combat jacket that I imagine she pulled out of Stein’s closet. The jacket was way to big for her but she made it work. Her combat boots matched the jacket, looking old and well worn. What didn’t match was the bright red yoga pants she was wearing, but I wasn’t about to complain. Besides, I had packed each of us a spare set of clothes just in case.
“Oh! So I had an idea, its a long walk, not crazy but I’d rather not just walk the whole way if we can help it. Frank and Stein used to have some bicycles when we first came here so I asked them about it and well.”
Bianca chirped, as she led me around the back of the house and pulled a tarp off two abysmal looking bicycles. The bikes were both red at one point but that was a long time ago. Now they were covered in a layer of rust and I could barely make out the branding that may have once read, “Shwinn”.
“Um… Bianca I think I might get tetanus if I sit on that thing.”
“Oh come on! Aren’t you tired of walking everywhere? Lets just give the bikes a shot, if they crumble to dust we can leave them.”
“And get me a tetanus shot.”
I added quickly
“Fine, and get you a tetanus shot.”
Bianca shot back, she feigned annoyance but she couldn’t hide the smile that crossed her face.
Laughing to ourselves, we got on the bikes and took off North, out of town and onto a dirt path leading to the woods. Bianca didn’t say much on the way out but I could tell she was having a good time. This may have been her first time out of the house for something other than supervising Frank and Stein. She tried to hide it by riding fast and staying out in front of me, but I could still catch her eyes literally glowing with happiness every now and then. I thought back to what Frank had said about her eyes glowing when she experiences strong emotion. I hoped that was the case and she wasn’t just trying really hard to influence me, which he had also said would make her eyes glow.
As we neared the end of the path, the forest’s edge came into view. we let the bikes roll to a stop then got off and let them fall over onto the dirt. I half expected them to explode into a puff of rusty brown dust the second they touched the ground but to my surprise, neither bike did. I could’ve swore I heard Bianca sniffle almost like she’d been crying. I opened my mouth to say something and then thought better of it, if she wanted to tell me what was going on she would. Well, that or she’d just manipulate me away from the question. Wait, was she doing that now? It’s hard to tell, maybe that’s how everyone around her feels. The more I thought about it the more I realized how difficult it must be for her just to have friends or form relationships with people at all. If she told them the truth they’d never know if what they were feeling around her at any given moment was real. All they’d have to go on would be her word, could they really trust that, could I? If she kept her secret she’d know that at any moment she could just change how they felt about her, manipulate them into anything she wanted. Could she resist that kind of power over them and still look someone in the eyes and say she was their friend. Not to mention how hard it would be to keep that secret over years of knowing someone.
“So Keith, were exactly are we headed? You do have some Idea where this mine you’re looking for is right?”
Bianca asked skeptically, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Well about that…. I just know its out here in the forest somewhere. That’s pretty much all I have to go on from Frank, Stein, and that massive bartender in town.”
I told her sheepishly.
“Well that explains why you over-packed so much then. Seriously? How long do you think we we’re going to be out here, you’re packed like some kind of survivalist.”
She mocked, picking through the pack I’d made for her. After she finished rooting through the pack I made for her like some kind of giant squirrel and, chastised me yet again for not doing more research on the mine, we set off.
The forest felt imposing as we walked into the woods through a manicured patch of trees. Someone had gone to great lengths to braid a few trees over this little path before the forest turned back into its natural wild state. It gave off the feeling that civilization ended with this path and something else entirely began. As we got off the path our light faded quickly, chocked out by the limbs of massive pine trees. All this cover meant there was very little foliage on the ground which was covered in a blanket of needles. The though occurred to me that we were looking for a mine in a valley. That’s weird because what exactly would be in a valley that warranted the creation of a mine? Usually you’ll find them in mountains so what exactly was one doing out here.
“Bianca I just had a thought, Why would they build a mine out here? I mean what’s the point, is there even anything valuable out here to mine?”
“Yeah, come to think of it your right. What other reason would there be to have a mine out here?”
“Unless they were just mining from a cave but that still doesn’t answer the question of what they were…”
Bianca cut me off
“What was that first thing you said?”
“Um… mining from a cave?”
A lightbulb went off over her head as she exclaimed,
“That’s it! There’s caves under the town, I’ve heard Frank talk about them before! Maybe they didn’t have a real mine so they were just mining something out of the caves.”
“Not to burst your bubble Bianca, but that still doesn’t get us any closer to these caves or mines or whatever it is.”
I responded cautiously, trying not to sound to critical of her revelation.
“Well not exactly, Frank said they were in the East of the forest somewhere so all we have to do is head East till we run into them.”
Bianca said, full of confidence. Then something occurred to me, we had no real way of getting back to the bikes other than retracing our steps. Now that was easy enough now, if we went deeper into the woods we would get lost pretty quickly.
“One more thing Bianca, Maybe we should come up with a way to find our way out? I really don’t want to end up lost out here.”
I asked nervously, fidgeting with my hands.
“Way ahead of you on that one, I left my phone back by the bikes. Here give me yours and I’ll put my number in so you can track it and find our way back.”
She said, taking my phone, putting her number into it, and turning it to me to show she’d tracked her own phones location with it, giving us a path back to the bikes.
As we turned East and headed even deeper into the forest the terrain started to change. Instead of the pine needle coating we started to see rocks and the ground was more rugged. Here and there we’d even pass a boulder or two. I decided to break the silence of our search.
“So are you ever going to tell me how you met Frank and Stein?”
Bianca sighed before responding.
“I suppose you deserve to know if your sticking around. You probably guessed I wasn’t always living with them. Lets just say before that I was with someone who I though meant the world to me but I never meant the same to him. It was all a game to him and eventually I noticed that. Then, a little while afterwards I realized I wasn’t exactly powerless anymore and I did some things that I’m not exactly proud of to survive on my own.”
I could tell talking about this hurt her but I needed more.
“That’s not exactly telling me a whole lot Bianca.”
I pressed, maybe a little to hard.
“I found out I had powers and I used them ok! I got myself out of a situation where I was pulled so many way I didn’t know which direction was up! The second I found out I could do the same thing to people myself, I did! You’re the first person to actually seem to give a shit that wasn’t some crazy doctor that tolerates my existence or someone I just manipulated into caring! Maybe I even did that with you! I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!”
Bianca screamed at me, getting in my face with tears beginning to run down her own. Her eyes were glowing electric blue again and I knew I’d crossed a line.
“Hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you. I… I didn’t know.”
“No.. you didn’t but I guess you should”
Bianca sniffled out, trying desperately to pull herself back together and keep up the act the everything was ok. Bianca went silent for a while as we kept walking along, crying to herself before she finally took a deep breath and said,
“You know, this is the first time someone’s asked me to come along and do something outside the house in years. I spend so much time cooped up in there just helping with experiments and looking after Rocco. It’s actually nice to get out and talk for once.”
Her voice still a lifts hoarse from screaming at me before.
“Look if you want to talk about it we’ve got nothing but time out here. I’d like to know a bit more about you anyways.”
I said taking her hand and trying to sound comforting.
“Yeah maybe I should get some of it off my chest. Here it goes I guess.”
Bianca said, taking a deep breath and tightening her grip on my hand. Her eyes still glowed faintly as she told me her story as we ventured deeper into the forest.
I’ll give you the shorter version of it here, mostly cause I’m not sure how she’d feel about me spoiling all her secrets.. She ran away from her family and her college education for a guy, his name was Brooke. Brooke was from money and had a job lined up by his family at a law firm so Bianca thought she was set for life with him. Bianca was madly in love with him at the time but as days grew into months and years, Brooke became a monster. He cheated on her and told her she wasn’t enough, that her shortcomings drove him to do it over and over again and somehow it was all her fault every time. He became abusive not long after the cheating started, flying into fits of hysteric apology afterwards only further convincing Bianca she was somehow at fault. After three years of this she eventually got up the courage to leave and never looked back. On the road she discovered her powers of manipulation, letting her play with people’s emotions and she only got better at it with time. Unfortunately her abilities got her into a very specific form of getting money out of people, prostitution. One day she tried to solicit Stein and he saw straight through her. Stein took her with him to the hotel he and Frank were staying at and they took her in on the spot. The trio traveled together ever since, Bianca becoming a kind of daughter to them.
I was in shock once she finished her story, it sounded like she’d really been through the ringer.“I don’t know what to say, that’s awful, all of it.”
“It was, I lived it. But I made it through, doesn’t matter how at the end of the day. I’ve got Frank and Stein and that’s enough, they let me into their home and I recovered in my own way, I’m still here so I’ll take what I can get right?”
Bianca stated with a cold loom of determination on her face. It was painfully obvious to me that despite the masquerade of being fine she was barley holding it together underneath. Like just talking about it with me was driving a finger into old wounds.
“At least you’ll never have to go through something like that again. With your abilities you never have to get pushed around like that.”
I said with completely no tact whatsoever. Bianca stopped suddenly as I said this and whirled around to face me. The fire I’d seen in her eyes earlier reigniting in seconds.
“Do you really think that’s all this is?! I’m no better than him, even you don’t know what you really think when you look at me! Admit ti!”
Bianca growled at me, hysterical once again.
“No, Bianca I…”
“Look I know your trying to help but just leave it, ok? I’m done talking about this”
She cut me off, pulling herself back together and signaling very clearly we were done with that particular conversation.
“Besides look over there, That hole in the rock see it? That might be what we’re looking for.”
Bianca said, gesturing to the stone wall that now jutted out of the ground beside us.
The rock wall she pointed out was chipped near the middle in a way that couldn’t have been natural. Straight lines don’t really exist in nature and this hole was cut squarely into this rock wall. As we got closer I could see that it wasn’t just an entrance either. The hole opened into the rock wall but then suddenly dropped, like whoever carved it had hit a point where the ground just fell out from under them. From where Bianca and I were looking into the hole we couldn’t quite see the bottom.
“Well we found what we were looking for, is this bringing back any memories from those dreams you had?”
Bianca asked, sounding a little short tempered still as I searched through my bag.
“What are you looking for in there?”
“Rope, I’ve got to see what’s in there and I’m hoping I brought enough to climb down there.”
I replied hurriedly, still tearing apart my bag to get to the rope I had packed underneath everything else.
“Rope? you’re not seriously going to climb down that pit are you? I can barely see down there.”
Bianca complained, sounding exasperated.
“Here, this should help you see down there.”
I said, tossing her one of the two head mounted flashlights I brought along.
“ME? I never said we were going down there!”
Bianca panicked momentarily.
“Look, you can stay up here and wait for me if you really don’t want to go down there. But I would appreciate having you to watch my back.”
I added trying to soften her up. Bianca opened her mouth like she was going to say something but stopped, instead dropping her own pack to the ground and searching through it.
“Look if I’m going down there I’m going to need something better than yoga pants on and…. You actually packed a change of clothes in here. Geez you really did think of everything.”
As Bianca took the jeans I packed and went off to find somewhere to change I finally found the rope. It was about 50 feet of strong climbing rope that I kept for an occasion just like this. Now that’s not to say I was a professional climber by any means but a 20 or 30 foot rappel I should be able to do. I was hoping that the descent wasn’t much further than that. I anchored the rope to a tree a little ways away from the hole in the rock face and tossed the rope down the hole. It hit the bottom with a satisfying thud just as Bianca got back from changing. The jeans I had packed were a little big on her but she’d manage. She looked like a mess in her ancient combat boot and jacket, all of which were too big for her. I tried to open my mouth to tell her she looked nice, I swear I really did but what came out was hyena-like laughter at her appearance.
“I…. Oh god I’m…. It’s just”
I struggled to get out, laughing all the while.
“Well I’m glad you like it at least, ok seriously come on, stop laughing.”
Bianca scolded as she began giggling herself. Soon enough we were both laughing, Bianca’s earlier storminess cleared up by the absurdity of the situation.
Here we were, a succubus and a guy with a strange mark out in the woods getting ready to rappel into a hole in the ground that apparently didn’t exist. All this was almost starting to feel… I’m not really sure how to put it, not normal but not so strange. Honestly I finally felt like I’d found some kind of purpose again out here. As weird as it all was I was starting to enjoy… this, this whole odd situation I’d found myself in. Bianca and I finally got ahold of the laughter and stood back up from our place on the ground.
“Do I really look that bad?”
She asked
“I’ve never heard you complain about your looks before. But no, with those jeans on you look like maybe, just maybe you prepared a little bit for coming out here.”
I teased, getting a little wry grin out of her.
“Come on, lets get going. Hopefully we can be in and out of there pretty quickly.”
I said, handing Bianca her pack and shouldering my own.
Rappelling in wasn’t actually all that hard, really dangerous without safety equipment sure, but neither of us had any trouble descending the maybe 20 foot drop. At the bottom I saw something that shocked me, this place wasn’t abandoned. I saw lighting set up, not on but very clearly set up recently. Bits of old mining equipment were scattered around the… cave? Mine? Im not really sure what to call it anymore. What concerned me more than anything was the light I saw at the far end of the cave (I’m settling on calling it a cave). The light came from a massive bonfire and I could just make out the shadows of several people sitting around it. I have no idea how we didn’t see the smoke on our way in. It wasn’t filling the cave but it also wasn’t coming out from anywhere I saw on the way here.
“Bianca get down!”
I whisper shouted at her, turning off my headlamp and falling flat to the ground myself. Bianca dropped to the ground as she heard me with unexpected grace. I didn’t know if those figures by the fire had seen us but I certainly wasn’t taking chances.
“Ok, I’m going to creep up and see if I can hear them talking or something. Can you just stay here and watch my back? I don’t want you getting any closer than you have to.”
I instructed Bianca who answered with a quick nod and reached into the inner pocket of her jacket. She withdrew a jeweled golden dagger from it.
“I sorry, what’s this now?”
I asked, confused and thrown off guard by the weapon. It was a really beautiful blade, the hilt was silver with several purple gems inlaid in it. The blade was golden save for the razor sharp edge which was some kind of strange blue material that was roughly the same color Blanca’s eyes glowed.
“I had a life before this you know.”
Bianca responded.
“Yeah we talked about it but you didn’t really tell me much about this part apparently. Doesn’t matter I guess just surprised you have Jeff Bezos’s butter knife in your jacket pocket.”
I whispered, pointing at the dagger in her hand.
“Well we can talk more about how I ended up with this later, not really the time now. Just be careful ok.”
I got up as she said this, realizing she was right. Now really wasn’t the time to be asking about strange daggers, I had more pressing issues.
I crouched down and started creeping towards the figures by the bonfire, careful to avoid the rusty machinery bits scattered across the ground. As I got closer I saw a passage I had missed in the dark. I dared to turn my headlamp on for just a second, trying to block out most of the light with my hand. What I saw through the dim light and shadows of my finger left me awestruck. Inside the passage a coliseum had been constructed, with seats carved into the stone. The structure itself was made up of the rusted metal pieces that littered the room, collected and smelted together to form the walls of the structure. What frightened me the most was the symbol clearly and meticulously drawn on the dirt floor, the same symbol that adorned my back, the symbol of the thunderbird. Moving on, more shaken than ever I crept closer still to the roaring bonfire. I could just about make out the words the figures were saying. When I got close enough to make out the word “tests” the fire suddenly went out with a gust of wind.The room temperature must have dropped 10 degrees immediately and I could swear I heard the sounds of heavy rain above us. But the sudden lack of light isn’t what rooted me in place, cowering on the cave floor. What did that was the two illuminated grey eyes that pierced through the darkness like lightning in a storm, eyes I would never forget, the eyes of the woman from Imalone.
This time I clearly heard the voices of the figures from around the bonfire as they all dropped to their knees.
“Shaoni! We weren’t expecting you till later, Stormcaller.”
The figures all said some variation of in unison. Their tone sounding almost as though they were begging for forgiveness. In a voice that hissed like rain on pavement the woman apparently named Shaoni spoke.
“I’ve come to oversee the start of the trials, is everything prepared?”
In one bone chilling moment her eyes locked on mine and she said the one thing I’d hoped she wouldn’t.
“You didn’t tell me we had guests.”
The moment the words left her lips I turned back to where Bianca was waiting, her now glowing eyes cutting through the darkness of the cave. Giving up any form of subtly, I bolted for the rope behind Bianca. I just wanted to be out of this cave, whatever I might learn from searching around was far outweighed by the fact that Shaoni was here. I’d seen the kind of destruction she’d left in her wake in Imalone and I had no desire to see it happen again here. I banged my ankle on several of the little bits of rusty metal on the floor as I ran, sending sparks of pain up my leg. I didn’t hear anything behind me at all which was almost more unnerving than the footsteps I expected to hear. I closed in on Bianca and saw she hadn’t moved at all, her eyes fixed on something behind me. I dared to take a quick glance back over my shoulder and saw Shaoni taking her first step away from the extinguished bonfire. Lightning crackled around her like one of those novelty plasma globes. In the flashes of light I could see her face. There was no smile or frown, no emotion at all. She simply stared straight ahead towards me and took slow calm steps, inching ever closer.
“Bianca we’ve got to go… NOW!”
I shouted, snapping her to attention. She nodded and turned on her heels, back toward the rope we’d thrown in earlier. Only, when we got to the rope and gave it a tug, it came falling back toward us.
“There’s no way. I…I anchored it to that tree, it should’ve held!”
I cried in disbelief. Bianca and I starred up at the now stormy sky through the hole we would’ve escaped from. Two men walked into view on either side of the hole, glowering down at us. I notice a marking on one of the men’s hands in a flash of lightning from the storm. I could only assume if I was able to make it out I would’ve seen a marking just like the one on my back. Just as soon as the men had appeared a shape flew in from the left with a low growl, taking both men along with it.
“Ok, new plan! There’s something else up there and I really don’t want to get involved with… whatever that was either. I didn’t see any footprints near the entrance so I’m assuming those guys we saw by the bonfire got in another way. We’re just going to have to find where that was and get out that way.”
I instructed Bianca, gesturing to the men in toe with Shaoni and trying not to sound as afraid as I was.
“Ok, I’m with you but lets get moving, I don’t want to any closer to her than I have to be.”
Bianca answered, putting her hand on my shoulder. I suddenly felt a wave of calm rush over me and for the second time I was grateful for Bianca’s ability to simply turn off my fear response.
Shaoni now stood about 50 feet from us with four men following behind her. In the light she gave off I could see the men were all dressed like normal people. I kind of figured they would be more of those canvas wrapped weirdos from Imalone but no. There stood four men in jeans and flannels standing there. Shaoni looked like she could’ve stepped right out of a painting of Pocahontas. She wore an animal hide dress with frills along the bottom and arms. Her head was adorned with a leather band containing several hawk feathers. In short she looked like she’d stepped out of a different time. But I had no time to look over the finer details of her clothing as Bianca and I rushed towards her. Once we got within striking distance I pulled Bianca to the left, towards the passage I had seen earlier. Shaoni never made a move towards us, she just simply looked at me, the ghost of a smile briefly crossing her lips. One of the men with her grabbed at Bianca though, pulling her out of my grasp momentarily. That was a mistake because she was on him immediately with the ornate dagger I’d seen before. As the man grabbed her Bianca lashed out with the dagger, sticking him in the gut with the blade. He screamed in anguish and let go of her but Bianca wasn’t done yet. She followed up by stabbing the man in the back of the neck as he bent over, grabbing at the hole in his abdomen. The other three men were so taken aback by the sudden ferocity she displayed that they didn’t come any closer. As time stood still for a second the men all looked toward Shaoni, awaiting instructions but hesitant to get any closer to Bianca. Using the brief moment of disbelief Bianca had caused, we ran down the side passage towards the coliseum.
“What was that?”
I asked, still shocked by how suddenly Bianca had acted.
“He tried to grab me, I don’t like when they try to grab me”
Bianca responded, distant and… scared? I got the sense she was still in shock at what she had done too. But I couldn’t worry about that right now, we still had to get out of here. Luckily the men didn’t seem to be following us. Wether Shaoni called them off or they stopped to care for their friend I didn’t know, and frankly I didn’t care.
Rushing through the rusty coliseum was haunting. I expected something to jump out of every shadow in the imposing structure. As we slowed to a jog in the middle of the coliseum, right where that eagle symbol was, we stopped to look around. We had come into this arena through an open arch but the only other exit I could see was a similar but barred archway. The coliseum was huge for something constructed in a cave, probably 400 feet across. I had no idea how this thing could’ve been made without anybody finding out.
“Bianca are you seeing anyway out of here? Bianca!”
I asked, then shouted as I turned to see her standing still as a statue in the middle of the Eagle symbol. She was staring at the dagger she had stabbed that man with. Blood still stained the blade and dripped from it intermittently.
“Bianca are you alright?”
I questioned as I walked over to her. She still had this look in her eyes, like she was miles away.
“Bianca? Come on talk to me. Look, you did what you had to do back there, sure it wasn’t exactly pretty but it had to be done.”
I tried to comfort her with my words but the truth is, my heart just wasn’t in it. I was a little scared of what I saw from her in those few moments. She just lashed out and attacked him, not that he didn’t deserve it but going back for more was too much. But what would’ve happened if she didn’t act? It’s not something I could really dwell on now and I’m not sure it really mattered. I just wasn’t feeling all that great about the fact we may have killed someone.
“I don’t like it when they grab me.”
Bianca finally repeated, still appearing catatonic. I leaned down to her level, putting my face right in-front of her’s and putting her head in between my hands.
“Bianca I know enough to know that whole situation may have dug up some memories for you but nows really not the time. We have to keep moving, we have to find a way out of here, and I can’t do that without you right now.”
Bianca tensed up as I spoke to her, but I could feel her relax as I finished. A single tear fell from her eye as she gave me a nod and followed behind me as I walked toward the barred off archway.
Before I made it to the archway there was a massive crash as something tore the rusty bars from their mountings and fell into the room.
“Tuck?!”
I exclaimed, recognizing his colossal figure on the floor immediately. His shirt and pants were torn to shreds though, Like he’d flexed too hard and burst out of his clothes. Bianca and I rushed over to check on him but apparently he was fine. Before we even started walking towards him he was already back up on his feet and lumbering towards us.
“Tuck what are you doing here? Actually never mind, are you ok?”
I asked, concern in my voice.
“It’s going to take more than this to stop me son. I figured you might go looking for that old mine I mentioned the other night so I came to find you. I feel real bad about ya run’in off the way ya did and I got to thinking. Maybe I could make it up to ya if I told ya about the mine. So I came out here and found some shady look’in fellas poking around and figured maybe ya needed help, looks like I was right.”
Tuck explained, dusting himself off and brushing away some of the tattered remains of his shirt. I didn’t buy his story for a second but I wasn’t going to argue with this bear of a man.
“So how did you get in anyway?”
“Used the old entrance from back when this place was still run’in, come on I’ll lead ya out.”
Tuck answered, already turning and walking back the way he came.
The walk out was long and none of us talked much so I just looked around. The further we walked down this little tunnel the more I noticed crushed equipment. The walls looked like they were made up of bits and pieces of crumbled rock that may have once been the ceiling of a much bigger tunnel here.
“There was a collapse, just like the report said only, whatever caused it wasn’t any fault of ours. It was that damn thunderbird waking up.”
Tuck piped up, answering one question and making me ask another.
“Wait you knew about her?!”
“All the miners did, some decided to follow her after she woke up and brought the walls down on us. Others wanted revenge for the brothers we lost, I’m one of the former. You see son, the reason I stayed around this town so long was because of that bird. I want a chance to return the favor.”
“But what about Robert? If you hate the thunderbird so much why’d you let him in? You had to see that tattoo on his hand.”
“I know he thinks that damned bird will “save” him or something but I don’t blame him. Everyone deals with things in their own way and it’s not my place to judge folk for it.”
Tuck lectured, as we made our way further down the passage. His words made sense to me but I didn’t understand how he could be so understanding. From what I understood the thunderbird had a part to play in the original mine’s collapse and the death of the workers there. Only for some of the survivors to revere this creature. If I were in Tuck’s shoes I don’t think I could forgive and forget.
Finally we saw light at the end of the tunnel. We emerged into the whispers of what I’m sure was a monster of a storm. But that’s not what drew my attention, what did were the boulders scattered around the hole we just came out of. It looked like they had been moved, and recently. The suspicious red stain just barley peaking out from the bottom of one of them only served to convince me further. Tuck’s story didn’t quite make sense and this entrance seemed like it should’ve been blocked up until very recently. I wasn’t about to question the guy who saved us though, so I let the issue rest.
Bianca’s idea of tracking her phone to find our way to the bikes worked like a charm. We followed the directions my phone spit at us and eventually found our way back to the bikes. Tuck’s old Ford Bronco sat behind our bikes leaving me to question if he followed us on our way here.
“Well do you kids want a ride back to town?”
Tuck asked, his voice bellowing across the forest. Seriously it was like the guy swallowed a loudspeaker at some point and just spoke through it now.
“No we’ll find our own way back.”
“Alrighty then, stay safe son.”
Tuck called back to me as he got into his truck and drove off. Bianca and I stood up our bikes and got ready to head back to town.
“Hey Keith?”
“Yeah what is it Bianca?”
“Next time you offer to bring me along somewhere can you warn me about the damn thunderbird that seems to just show up around you.”
I laughed at this, it was nice to see Bianca joking around again. After what happened in the caves she seemed like someone else, none of her usual cheeriness was there. Not that I knew if that was what she wanted me to see from her or how she actually presented herself but still. I trusted her enough at this point to assume she wasn’t using her abilities to mess with my head.
When we got back to Bianca’s house the sun was just beginning to set, washing the town in shades of purple, orange, and red. We walked the bikes around to their place behind the house and I walked Bianca back to the front door.
“Thanks for today Keith,I don’t… get out very much anymore and it was… nice… to do something other than sit around the house for once. You know, despite everything that happened it was actually fun.”
I was taken aback by her words at first. If it was me I’d immediately want nothing to do with this person who just put me in danger.
“You had fun? The thunderbird showed up again and we may have killed a guy and you had fun?”
I asked, raising and eyebrow suspiciously.
“Can we not talk about that right now? Anyways I don’t exactly have a high bar for what is and isn’t fun at this point. I’ll see you later Keith.”
Bianca said, cracking a smile and walking into her house.
I was about halfway back to my own house when I realized she never gave me my backpack back. Well, looks like I’d be seeing her again then because I need that stuff back. I wasn’t sure what to think about what I’d seen today. If the thunderbird was in those mines years ago why did she end up in Wisconsin? There was also a very real possibility some people in this town worshipped her so I’d have to keep an eye out for that. The really interesting thing to me was the Shaoni never seemed to want to hurt me in the cave today. She was terrifying as all hell sure, but I didn’t get the sense that she wanted to cause me any sort of harm. If she wanted to do that my gut told me she would’ve done it quickly and efficiently.
Thunder suddenly cracked outside, interrupting my train of thought. As I stood up to see what time it was a knock came from the front door. I froze, who exactly could it be? I doubt Bianca would come over, I don’t think she even knows where I live but maybe she came by to drop off the backpack she absconded with? The knock came again, more forcefully this time.
“I’m coming, I’m coming!”
I shouted, as I jogged to the door. My heart dropped as soon as I opened it, On the other side of the door stood Shaoni. She was dressed normally for once, wearing a long flowing white nightgown. Shaoni stepped into my house as she cooed in her usual misty voice.
“Good evening. Keith was it? We have much to discuss.”

the night before my chem paper 1, i was stressing profusely over the exams seeing that my predicted grade was a 9a which isn't good enough for me so i endeavoured to rest my head in order to tranquilise the chaos inside my mind and find some solace. however, overnight, all of my chemistry knowledge had perished; i dreamt it was squandered by a malevolent leprechaun with a macabre, sinister pattern of speech consisting of a strict ABABAB rhyme scheme and trochaic tetrameter signifying his desire for power and avarice for the acquisition of knowledge. my gargantuan intellect slipped through my fingers; I had been Light Yagami before (metaphor; i was not literally the antihero protagonist), with the chemistry knowledge of Walter White and a reputation that truly preceded me as when i walked to school that morning i realised i would be receiving a U despite my overwhelming intellect. destitute, despaired, despondent. if only that machiavellian villian hadn't seized my smarts. i held a vast sea of repressed rage inside of me, and once i opened my paper to a 6 marker on equilibria, i arose from my creaky chair and disenthralled a mighty bellow, tearing my shirt apart with my bare fists like the hulk, and releasing my agonising mental anguish through the form of sound waves in which shook the mortal ground, quaking under my feet in submissive obedience. this caused most of the students in the silent hall to turn to look at me in disbelief, so in a fit of anger i lost my temper and absolutely dashed my desk at the nearest student. (he suffered minor fractures to his skull and a couple bruises but nothing major. not that i could say the same for the desk; alas, it had shattered into fragments.) the students in the hall gasped in shock at the sight of their classmate consummating the role of the catalyst for a catastrophic carnage to emenate (note my alliteration of the fricative "c" amplifying the harshness of the situation). another ear-piercing screech ensued, resounding from the molten iron core of my chest, as I threw myself to the ground in defeat.
now then, any moral person witnessing this incident would clearly relate to my pain and suffering, and would at the very least leave me to grieve the remnants of a drained IQ of 341, but an invigilator chose to approach me and had the AUDACITY to REMOVE me from the hall. i was promptly disqualified and issued several consequences for disrupting the exam. this is clear evidence that examiners do not care for mental health, a stark contrast to the claims held by thousands of them worldwide. it is time to take action. it is time to make a change. it is time to fire every invigilator in the country and beyond; students' feelings shouldn't be invalidated and we have the right to express them in any form necessary, especially during the stressful exam period. i listen to the drone of students chattering as they leave the exam and i think to myself about my perpetual experiences with being dismissed and punished for natural behaviour. i can no longer pursue my lifelong aspiration of becoming a high-school chemistry teacher in Alberquerque, New Mexico because this examiner was unable to CONTROL THEMSELF IN THE EXAM HALL. they didn't even think about how much escorting me out would disturb the hardworking students completing their questions. for this reason you must make a stand against invigilators; join me in my venture to cease this barbaric treatment of well-behaved, well-prepared students such as myself.

My wife (38) grew up very sheltered. She was actually a virgin when we met in our early 30s and had never even masturbated until after we got together. I’ve slowly tried to encourage her to explore her sexual desires more. Recently we read a book together that introduced her to kink and explained some basic kink terminology. We went through the book together and each made a list of potential kinks we’d like to explore together. We kept it semi private so that we could only see what we mutually agreed on and therefore neither of us felt self conscious about what we were into. One of the things she wanted to explore was porn. She had never watched porn before. For weeks now she’s been saying she wants to try it but has been nervous about it. She’s been self conscious that she won’t live up to it. Last night I finally talked her into it…
I should mention now that I’m a bit of a sissy. My wife has no idea. Usually I’m thinking about cock more than pussy and it’s a struggle to even get hard to fuck my wife. I spend most of the day edging to sissy porn and talking online to my new domme sissy mommy who I’m absolutely smitten by. She encouraged me to write this account of last night. Hehe.
Back to the story at hand. I knew my wife would want to have sex last night because she told me she was ovulating and we’ve been trying to get her pregnant (which I’ve failed at so far—probably because I’m a pathetic sissy). I asked her if she wanted to finally try porn and she agreed. I edged myself all day. And not normal edging like a normal straight man would do. I would rub my little cock like it was a clit and stop if it ever got hard. I did this for hours. This method usually made it very difficult for me to get hard with my wife and even if I could I would usually cum almost immediately. It made me feel so pathetic. But I couldn’t stop it. I had to edge. I had to rub my little clit all day. My balls were aching and full of cum. In fact it had been days since I had cum. I had been edging for days.
When the time came, we got my wife’s computer and both got in bed with just our underwear on. We laid next to each other. My wife grabbed her vibrator and some lube and took her panties off, exposing her massive bush. When I say massive, I mean massive. It’s overgrown and comes out the sides of her panties. You can almost smell it just by laying next to her. Anyway, we got her computer and went to pornhub. I had to explain how pornhub works to her. How to navigate categories, preview videos, etc. I asked her what she might be interested in watching for her first time. She sheepishly said she might like to watch a lesbian video. This didn’t surprise me because she often tells me about sexual dreams she has with other girls. I think she secretly might be a little (or a lot) gay. So we go to the lesbian category and start scrolling through. She says she wants to find something with a little bit of build up. She is scrolling and stops on a video with two women she finds attractive. It’s called “kinky brunette gets submissive towards her hot therapist.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to start with something a bit more vanilla?” I ask.
“No, I think they’re hot,” she says.
We start the video.
There’s about 10 minutes of build up. It’s about a woman seeing a sex therapist and learning about bdsm for the first time. Telling her therapist she thinks she’s submissive and wants to explore it. My wife gets her vibrator out and starts rubbing her hairy pussy with it as we watch. I start stroking my little limp cock. She looks over at me from time to time to see my reaction. I assume she’s checking to see if I’m getting turned on. I’m still pretty limp. The only thing that starts to turn me on is thinking how my wife might be wondering why I’m so limp and pathetic.
Finally the video picks up a bit. The therapist asks the patient to get on her knees. Makes her take her heels off. Makes her tell her how submissive she feels and beg to eat her pussy. I’m imagining myself as the woman on her knees. Imagining my mistress as the woman in the chair. That’s right. My mistress, not my wife. I’m thinking about what it would be like to serve my mistress. Beg her to suck her cock. To please her. This starts to turn me on. I’m finally getting a bit hard as I continue to rub my cock. My wife is getting turned on too. She starts to moan a bit. I wonder which woman she’s imagining herself as. I think to myself that she’s probably also wishing she were the sub on the floor. Wishing she could taste the therapist’s pussy.
The video starts to get really steamy now. The domme woman forces the sub to rub herself and occasionally slaps her pussy. Finally, in the hottest scene, the domme woman sits on the sub’s face. Grinding her pussy into the other woman’s mouth. Meanwhile the bottom woman is rubbing her pussy and clearly enjoying being dominated. While this is all happening, my wife turns up the speed of her vibrator. By this point she’s very close to cumming. She’s moaning and very into the video. She’s stopped looking at me at all by this point. She’s focused on what’s on screen. I’m fully hard now. Edging myself and trying not to cum myself. I’ve been edging for so long that by the time I actually get hard I’m ready to blow. This whole scene is almost too much for me to contain it. I’m picturing myself as the woman on screen having her face sat on. Only it’s not pussy I’m eating, it’s my mistress’ ass. Picturing myself getting my tongue deep inside her hole. Imagining her smell. Imagining the taste of her hole. I’m not even watching my wife at this point. I’m fully immersed in my own fantasy of being used. But I know I still have a job to do. I still have to fuck my wife. So I hold off from cumming. Barely. But my wife doesn’t. She cums hard. Moaning and convulsing as the domme on screen is grinding on the sub’s face and bending over and slapping her pussy.
After she cums, my wife turns off the vibe and pulls it out of herself. On screen the two women start making out as the scene comes to an end. I know it’s time. I shut the computer and throw it to the end of the bed. I lean over and start kissing my wife. I pull her on top of me and slide inside of her soaking wet pussy in one motion. At this point I’m only turned on because of my fantasy earlier. Once I slip inside her pussy I barely even feel any pleasure. It’s wet and somewhat loose and just doesn’t turn me on that much. But I know I need to cum in her. I’m close. I ask her if she’d rather me fuck her doggy. She eagerly says yes. She rolls off of me and gets on all fours and I get behind her and slide inside. This is my favorite position. She has a plump, beautiful ass. I can spread her cheeks in this position and admire her smooth asshole and imagine it as someone else’s. As a smooth femboy or trans girl’s ass. Wishing my wife had a cock and balls hanging below while I fucked her. At this point it’s all too much…her ass bouncing on me, my cock barely hard but my balls full of cum from edging for days, and my imagination running wild. I cum hard. I moan and collapse on top of her. I’m relieved I was able to perform and actually cum in my wife but ashamed of how I had to do it. That’s usually the case. Hell it’s always the case. I’m a pathetic sissy and my wife deserves to be fucked by a real man sometime. Maybe as we explore more porn she’ll realize that too…

I've read countless posts asking, "Why isn't the world paying attention to us?"
We've just had the world's largest LC + MECFS conference to date, and the US news outlets have given us ZERO COVERAGE as far as I can see? Can anyone share anything they've seen out there?
I only see a few German articles (see below - well worth reading).I reached out to one of the event organizers and he confirmed that he has no knowledge of US coverage of the event.
Will you join me in sending a quick message to your favorite news outlets or any of those listed below, asking why we need to read about this story via google translate from OUS news sources?
This conference featured many prominent US researchers! It was an international event attended by thousands! I've already begun to write my letters.- I'll post my progress in comments - Please join me and comment below!
We know that our power is in our numbers, so if your message is brief or less sophisticated than you'd like, IT MATTERS MOST THAT YOU WRITE!
I'd like to share with you some details that I'm including in my messages. Please speak from your own heart and mind expressing your desire to read about this important event and others like it. Maybe the news story is that this conference took place and it isn't being adequately reported??Here are some highlights from my messages:

• I was eager to read coverage of last week's international conference on Long Covid and MECFS, and feel shocked to find it only being covered by European sources that I need to translate with my web browser. Where is the US coverage?
• This conference featured a heavy presence of prominent US researchers (see names listed on https://unitetofight2024.world if you'd like to list any in your message).
• To date there is no cure for Long Covid or MECFS and it is one of the most debilitating diseases one can experience. The highest disease burden is borne by those in the prime of their life who were otherwise healthy and now have no hope for their future.
• The origin of this event was a reaction to a twitter user named Lauren who said her public goodbyes and ended her life after suffering with Long Covid and with no end in sight.
• Suicide is a leading cause of death for those suffering from MECFS and Long Covid.
• Conference organizers were LC patients who saw Lauren's posts on twitter and her plea to tell the world what is happening.
• Unite to Fight 2024 was organized in just a few months on a shoestring-crowdfunded budget and over 10,000 people attended online with over 40 speakers and 20 hours of content over two days (May 15-16, 2024).

Unite to Fight website:https://unitetofight2024.world
Three German Articles (use your browser or Google Translate if needed)
.https://www.manager-magazin.de/lifestyle/long-covid-konferenz-wir-muessen-uns-endlich-eingestehen-wie-gewaltig-dieses-problem-ist-a-4389644b-1795-4acf-bccf-759d6dce1982
https://www.aok.de/pp/gg/update/long-covid-experten-warnen-vor-wachsender-krankheitslast/
https://taz.de/Long-Covid/!6007816/
Here's some addresses I've dug up. PLEASE LIST MORE BELOW AND I'LL EDIT/ADD:
CNN
[ireport@cnn.com](mailto:ireport@cnn.com)
NPR - Send a News StoryPick your favorite:
On the Media, Morning Edition, Fresh Air, Consider This, Up First
https://help.npr.org/contact/s/contact?request=Send-a-story-idea
American Public Media:
https://mpr.tfaforms.net/27
New York Times online submission:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/15/homepage/contact-newsroom.html
Washington Post: [readers@washpost.com](mailto:readers@washpost.com) (mailto:Post:[readers@washpost.com](mailto:readers@washpost.com))
Washington Post letter to the Editor:
https://thewashingtonpost.formstack.com/forms/submit_a_letter_to_the_editor
USA Today
https://www.usatoday.com/contact/staff/
Charles Trepany, Wellness Reporter
[ctrepany@usatoday.com](mailto:ctrepany@usatoday.com)
Daryl Austin Wellness and Lifestyle
[DAustin@usatoday.com](mailto:ContributorDAustin@usatoday.com)
David OliverWellness Reporter
[doliver@usatoday.com](mailto:doliver@usatoday.com)
Leora Arnowitz Wellness Editorl
[arnowitz@usatoday.com](mailto:arnowitz@usatoday.com)
The Wall Street Journal
https://www.wsj.com/about-us
Stefanie IIgenfritz
Health & Science
[stefanie.ilgenfritz@wsj.com](mailto:stefanie.ilgenfritz@wsj.com)
Kevin Dubouis
Content Strategy
[kevin.dubouis@wsj.com](mailto:kevin.dubouis@wsj.com)
Newsweek:
[media.inquiries@newsweek.com](mailto:media.inquiries@newsweek.com)
Time Magazine:
[letters@time.com](mailto:letters@time.com)
Us News and World Report:
https://www.usnews.com/info/features/contact
Politico:
https://www.politico.com/feedback
Bloomberg:
[tips2@bloomberg.net](mailto:tips2@bloomberg.net)
Vice:
[tips@vice.com](mailto:tips@vice.com)
[press@vice.com](mailto:press@vice.com)
The Atlantic:
[Letters@TheAtlantic.com](mailto:Letters@TheAtlantic.com)
The Independent:
[newsdesk@independent.co.uk](mailto:newsdesk@independent.co.uk)
TheGuardian:
[features@theguardian.com](mailto:features@theguardian.com)
[international@theguardian.com](mailto:international@theguardian.com)
[guardian.letters@theguardian.com](mailto:guardian.letters@theguardian.com)
[guardian.readers@theguardian.com](mailto:guardian.readers@theguardian.com)
I also wrote to my local University (if you're from Minnesota or if you listen to the Osterholm Update CIDRAP podcast):
CIDRAP
https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/contact-us
Media relations contact: Brad Robideau [brobidea@umn.edu](mailto:brobidea@umn.edu) Overall inquiries: [cidrap@umn.edu](mailto:cidrap@umn.edu)
I'm still tracking down addresses, or help me out and comment below. I'll edit my post.Thank you ALL!

Hello everyone, idk how long this will be but I’m just writing whatever’s on my mind and haven’t organized my thoughts so sorry in advance.
I (22M) got out of a 4 year relationship about 3 months ago. During those 4 years I’d say I was not the best partner that I could be. I had a lot of issues with self image, self esteem and just being generally insecure. I would just feel like my partner would leave me for another man at any day. This has led us getting into many arguments and us giving silent treatment to each other. However, I would feel terrible and so awful and feeling like my chest is closing inside knowing she’s mad at me or whenever we’re on bad terms and I come back to her and profusely apologize. I would get the worst thoughts whenever we got into an argument thinking “that’s it she going to leave me now”. Then I started reflecting and started rationalizing these thoughts and just thinking it’s all in my head and if I do believe then they will actually happen. Until one day she came to me and confessed that she cheated on me. I felt any little progress I made with myself was gone. Despite her confessing it to me I still forgave her and continued the relationship because in my head I was thinking that she’s the best I could get and no one else would want me.
Fast forward, to now I still find myself missing her and I’ve tried dating and all I could say is that my self esteem issues have significantly worsened. Facing rejections, mixed signals and ghosting it really took a tole on my mental health and it confirmed my worse fears that I’m not desirable for others and no one wants me. As well as, the attachment issues that I have and intense emotions I have for some of the ladies I talked to it could be a couple of weeks and I’d already feel like I want her and want to be in a relationship with her and it eats me up inside whenever I wait hours for their response. Thinking the worst scenarios as to why they’re not responding to me. I’ve even had mental breakdowns and crying thinking why am I not enough for people. I’ve missed out a lot of other details but I don’t want to make this too long
Sorry I’m just rambling I just don’t have anyone else to vent to and my mind is still a mess as I’m writing this. Thanks to anyone who the time to read this and have a good day

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"It is said, in a Gorean proverb, that a man, in his heart, desires freedom, and that a woman, in her belly, yearns for love. The collar, in its way, answers both needs. The man is most free, owning the slave. He may do what he wishes with her. The woman, on the other hand, being owned, is institutionally and helplessly subject, in her status as slave, to the submissions of love. John Norman" Slave Girl of Gor (Gor, #11)
Tal, and may the sun shine brightly on your path. AGR is an active Gorean roleplay group. With a large community that is always growing. A welcoming and knowledgeable group that makes sure you aren't lost. We are 18+
What we offer:
◇Gorean Resources ◇Gorean Quizzes ◇In Depth Intake process for kajirus ◇NSFW Channels ◇Plot ideas ◇Self care and Venting ◇Caring and knowledgeable staff ◇A server economy ◇Auctions
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1) myron: “being friends with women is a waste of time because they don’t provide much value and they extract your resources”
I disagree, I think it more beneficial for guys to have women friends because most guys are just not comfortable around women because they aren’t around them much. It’s a vicious cycle. How do you fix that? Being around them. Listening to RP can only take you so far in the dating game. You actually need to experience being around feminine women. I was lucky to have a lot of female(attractive) friends in college. I would walk into parties with a bunch of girls and I would immediately have pre selection. I got laid because of it. Fucked some of their friends. I got to learn their minds. What they like/dislike in men. And I got more comfortable around women in general. And yes, some female friends will try to get that bf energy, but just make sure you treat them like one of the homeboys and that’s it. They will respect you.
2) Myron: “eating your girls box is submissive”
I disagree, it’s cool if you genuinely don’t like eating pussy. Nothing wrong with that. But don’t say it’s submissive. This is one of the few times where I think that’s just insecurity. If you’re doing everything right…being masculine, protecting/providing, being a leader, etc…but you’re worried that she will think you’re being feminine because you pleasure her with your tongue? lol. Come bruh. That’s literal insecurity right there.
3) Myron: “every woman is a gold digger, some are just better at hiding the shovel”
I disagree, this quote sounds good on the surface level and it’s catchy, but it’s just not true when you think about it. A gold digger literally means a person who forms a relationship PURELY to extract money from them”
There are plenty of women who date bums. And yes, they eventually leave, but only because the man keeps being a bum and doesn’t do anything with his life. Can you blame the woman? No. Do most women prefer a man with money? Of course…but it’s disingenuous to say all women are gold diggers. Can’t change the definition of the word to fit your narrative.
4) Myron: “every man should sleep with at least 50 women to get experience so you don’t get taken advantage of in a relationship”
I disagree, obviously Ling ling proved this theory wrong lmao. Won’t get into that though. We all know. Sleeping with a bunch of women doesn’t make you better prepared. Does it help? Sure. It all depends on the type of experience you have. For example…if most of those women were one night stands then what did you really learn? Not much. Just how to finesse your way into some pussy and a little bit of female nature.
I would argue that a guy that has slept with 10/15 girls, has had 2 serious relationships and has had a couple friends with benefits will have way more experience than a guy who simply just fucked 50 girls from tinder. You need to be around women for longer than 1-2 days to truly understand them. And one night stands will not help with that.
5) Myron: “a woman’s orgasm doesn’t matter because you need male orgasm to make life”
I disagree, 99.99% of the time we have sex for pleasure, not to make a baby. So if we have sex for pleasure then why is the female orgasm not important? In my opinion…Myron has trash/lazy dick. If you can make a girl cum and prioritize her orgasm..she will be obsessed with your dick. If her last bf or partner made her cum and you can’t…get ready to eventually get cheated on. Even if you check out all the other boxes. Women like to nut too fellas. There’s a reason why Angie prob is okay with not fucking him. Think about it
Myron is intelligent, but sometimes he trips over himself trying to be a guru. He’s too extreme and black/white sometimes. For him there’s almost never a middle ground.

The other day I saw someone here who made a jump from King to Deity in a span of several YT tutorials. Maybe that method works for that guy compared to my tl:dw sort of mentality. But I can imagine they expect rapid calculations and foresight, something that leaves room to be desired for me.
And now here I am juggling between: I need more cities but settlers are too costly, and I could have used it for something else; I need to develop my city but I will lag behind in military, vice versa I build and army and my yields will be behind. This compounded with my tendency to autopilot and inability to properly micro my stuff.
Sure, the AI aren't that good in city development and warfare, but if you're next door to an aggressive or scientifically powerful civ, it's not much of a difference.
And yes, I can reroll and save scum as much as I want, because if the AI "cheats" why wouldn't I, but it feels very cheap and I just want to play with the cards I was dealt and make the most of every step, only sparingly fine tune a few things and restart when I see there's no winning the game at some point.
My only motivation to hop into Emperor is how easy my King games have been, and I am surrounded by those who make it look very easy; it almost as if these people are mocking my lack of skill.
Someone will say to just play to have fun if I think being battered in high difficulty is to much for me, but there's also no joy in lack of challenges. And I just want to jump this hill that is to consistently gain wins in Emperor, as any civ I want and at a reasonable pace.

This is gonna be a long post so plz just bear with me and i’m gonna be skipping around a lot bc there’s a lot to cover
Before I get into it i’m not looking to be lectured on morals, relationship advice, or how i’m a shitty person for asking this but just looking for genuine advice on what i should do.
So, for context, I (21)m have been in a relationship for the better part of 4 years now and since then things have been…different, to put it mildly. I don’t want to say i’m unhappy with who she is or how she treats me because at the end of the day she’s a amazing person with a beautiful heart/soul and our issues only extend to that of any other normal relationship. The issue is i’ve totally upended my life for the sake of hers. So for starters, (back when we were in high school) she got kicked out of her house for reasons outside of her control and like any good bf i allowed her to move into my room at my parents house (to clarify i don’t hold this against her but this is just how things started spiraling) and,while this worked for a while, we obviously couldn’t live in my 10x10ft room forever. Nevertheless things were working, we graduated together, and i started college. Eventually tho things went sour and “we” decided “we” wanted to get a apartment of our own (i say “we” bc it was mainly her who made the decision without consulting me abt it and she decided she wanted a very expensive “luxury” townhome for our first place, in hindsight, this is one of my biggest regrets in our relationship as i should’ve been more assertive in the decision making and while we wanted a place of our own i definitely didn’t see the need to move out as i was getting paid to go to college, focusing on my studies, and all our needs were met) regardless, we moved out at 19, and it was fucking horrible. The place was nice but the amount of personal/financial stress i was put was killing me. I had to drop out of college because the school checks weren’t cutting it, gave up all my hobbies/interests, lost a lot of friends bc of work/the move, got a warehouse job (i don’t have an issue with working it’s just the fact of the matter), and became reliant on 🍃 and 🍻 to escape from daily life. (I should also point out the substance abuse caused me a lot of anxiety and depression, which only made me lean on it more and is still something im recovering from) all the while pretending that everything was okay (and that’s not to say i didn’t try talking to her abt it but how am i supposed to tell my gf that she basically ruined my life up to that point by putting me in a position she had no control of but took part in?) Trauma dump ik lol but back to the original question of this post.
Should i hit up my ex from 5 years ago? To clarify, im not looking to date her or get in a relationship with her but for her to be more like a occasional “ons” “fwb” type figure in my life; an outlet of sorts. Ik it’s very bold for me to assume she’d be down but we used to do stuff like that all the time and after we would just trauma dump on eachother which was actually really cool/therapeutic . I should point out she is also currently in a long term relationship but in the past that didn’t stop her from meeting up with me for the occasional sneaky link even going as far as ft’ing her current bf then while she was at my place ( ik it’s fucked up but it made it clear she was about it). i just don’t know what i should do, i feel like it’s something i really need and it weighs heavily on my mind. Has too much time past? What if she’s grown past that and, for that matter, me? What if she just screenshots my text and sends it to my current girlfriend? We just signed a new lease for a cheaper apartment and are about to start a new, hopefully, bettehealthier chapter in our lives and i’m hoping i can go back to school bc of it. i just don’t want to ruin everything we’ve built/overcome but i also want to live a little and finally have something for myself, especially after the hell i went through to makes things work.I should also state, as this may effect your responses, but im not the type to cheat and ive tried to be a very loving, loyal, and kind man to her but i also don’t want to let my own wants and desires slip away from what little control i already have of my life. Any advice?
Edit: I’ve been getting a lot of backlash due to the apartment situation; again, let me clarify, there’s a lot i’m leaving out but this is the gist of it. We were forced out of my parents house and I was faced with the dilemma to either break up with her and stay or get a place together. as I said in the post, she was the one who found the place and thinking we could afford signed the lease for me with my consent. At the time she was making more than me income wise but with both our incomes combined, we assumed we could afford it. A mistake i regret making ( signing the lease part not breaking up with her) regardless, I’m not saying she did this to me or that it was her fault. It takes two people to fail, and I know I could’ve been more involved/ informed in the decision. Also, I think it is worth stating that this is something we have both come to realize and something we have both had conversations about.

This is a crossover fanfiction between original fiction titles: Nature of Predators by SpacePaladin15 and The Last Angel by Proximal Flame respectively. All credit and rights reserved goes to them for making such amazing science fiction settings that I wanted to put this together.
You can read The Last Angel here: Be warned, it's decently long, and at its third installment so far. I highly suggest reading it before reading this, or this story will not make sense.

Otherwise, enjoy the story! Thanks again to u/jesterra54 and u/skais01 for beta and checking of work!
First Prev Next (soon)
Memory transcription subject: Hailey Whitmer, UN Special Envoy
Date [standardized human time]: October 23, 2136
I walked through the expansive halls of the UECNS Nemesis, a sense of awe at what I was seeing. While I was not alone, since plenty of the Venlil were still inside, making last minute checkups on the cargo freighter attaché, it was amazing to think that I was the first human to stand in this vessel in over twelve-hundred years. The layout of everything seemed built to our specifications, and it felt like uncovering something that shouldn't exist. But exist it did.
I wonder if Red One thought the same about another humanity in the multiverse?
Nevertheless, despite the initial hiccups with some utterly terrified Venlil engineers offending the hell out of Red One for some slight, nothing had gone wrong with the rest. Clearly, being here long enough had pushed the sense of fear out of most of the Venlil, enough to do their work without feeling overwhelmed whenever her 'scarabs' came in.
Speaking of such...
There was one right now, just climbing up a wall at about my head level to work on some exposed piece of machinery. While it looked very busy, and likely didn't need to be interrupted, I still had the unbridled urge to touch it. It wouldn't harm it, right?
Why did I want to touch it?! Curiosity?
I walked over to it, my hand halting a foot or so from it for a moment, but I eventually mustered up the courage to touch it. It...it was lukewarm to the touch, smooth, metal....
...and clearly not meant to be touched.
It immediately erupted in a loud alarm, vibrating as if trying to shake off my hand. I pulled away in alarm, thinking best to not...uh...aggravate it? Were these directly controlled by Red, or automated?
"Care to tell me why exactly you're touching my repair drones?" Her voice came from the walls with a vaguely bewildered tone.
Shit. Uh...
I tried to deflect, but nothing came to mind. "Well, uh...um...I just...uh...kindawantedtotouchit."
Silence greeted my response. "But-but I just thought it looked cute! And I-oh, I am not making a good case here, I'm so sorry if I damaged-"
"Are you telling me you want to pet it?" She sounded amused at my intent. You!....hmmmmph.
"...Yes. I had an urge to pet the thing. I mean look at it! It's like a big ladybug! It's oddly cute."
Red One hummed for a split second over the wall speakers to me. "Despite your urge being harmless and funny, the drone is busy at the moment, so please leave it alone. I'll just give you one if you're so inclined later, with less of the lethal tools attached."
"Wait, the what?"
"Forget that, Hailey. I wish to ask you something more serious currently..." The tone of the room changed immensely between those two sentences, a lighthearted feeling prior clearly making way for something worrying her. "Will...humanity accept me? I've killed so many, even if it was an accident. I've frightened both you and your allies merely by existing. And on top of this, I know that humanity has always had a general feeling of unease about artificial life. Your media, your literature, philosophy, are all in the distant past compared to when I was made, and I've no clue how exactly different our histories are enough to guess. The United Nations never lasted this long in my reality." A pause took to the room.
"Do I deserve to shut myself down?"
Oh dear, that's a hard question to answer.
I thought for a solid second. I know the reception to reveal Nemesis was mixed back on Earth. While there was a near-unanimous thanks for saving Earth with her intervention, there were still the ships and crews of both the Venlil and humanity that she destroyed. Those families were not taking their loss well. Added onto that, Red One was an artificial intelligence. There has been a ton of discussion even in the deep past about the dangers of AI, that continued even to this day. While Red One was no paperclip-maximizer, she was designed and built for war, and tempered by over 1200 years of it. She might not even intentionally mean to be dangerous, but might interpret things badly.
After all, she already has, and now nine thousand humans are dead for it...Could I trust her to not do it again?
"I...I don't know Red. I sincerely hope they'll see the good in your actions, and should you talk about your mistake, perhaps you'll be at the minimum sympathetically understood, if not forgiven."
Red One had no body besides the ship to speak of. She had no unintentional body language interpretable to humans. She was, for all intent and purposes, unreadable to me. But, I had the oddest sense that Red One was afraid. Afraid of being judged, afraid of her actions, their consequences. She clearly cared for our input, our point of view on the situation. Why else would she ask?
It was that thought converged onto a point that broke my contention:
Since when should a warship be built to fear?
Even if she was built for war, even if she was built with emotions to start, she wouldn't likely be built to fear. She was capable of being more than what her humanity created her to be if she could feel the fear of our judgement, despite being so much weaker than her; she cared, and that was all that it took for me to conclude on it.
I started out loud again.
+CONFED IO.5+
+READING MAIN SEQ.MEM+
Hailey spoke again. "Red. Even should there be people that disapprove of your actions, that fear or despise you, you would still deserve to live. You deserve that chance, even with your mistake."
She was wrong. Wrong. I didn't deserve to stand once again with humanity for such a failure again.
Yasmine spoke again in my thoughts, her words boiling and painful. "You deserve judgement. A final judgement. You promised to protect us, and you failed. You promised to avenge us, and you failed."
I couldn't help but puppet it back to Hailey, as scathing as they were to hear. "I failed to protect humanity. I took their lives, nine-thousand dead from aimless wrath..."
Hailey shook her head vicariously. "No! Red, listen to me! It was a mistake! People make mistakes, both big and small. While you may never be forgiven by those close to the lives lost in your actions, you can take solace in the fact that you have saved hundreds of millions of lives!"
"But you're not people, Red. You're an AI. You're a weapon. A Wound in the side of The Compact. You swore it as your sole duty, in vengeance. A weapon that makes such a mistake is faulty...a faulty weapon is destroyed."
Yasmine's words hurt more than any other. Her trust she had in me alive now betrayed, now to know only in death. How much of a disappointment, a failure my actions were.
"I'm...not a person...Hailey...I'm an AI...a weapon..." Server racks hummed in pain, in knowing the catastrophic failure of my duty. It didn't matter how far out of my hands it was, it still happened. Now, so many of my creators were killed by my actions.
"Like all AI have been, you are no different."
Hailey touched the wall once again, before reaching for the repair drone. It wanted to signal alarm again, to claw away at whatever held it, but I stopped its every movement. I couldn't dare raise another action against a human, I couldn't harm them. I-
She held it firmly but gently in her hands. She stroked the top of the scarab, warm skin running down the cool metallic shell of the scarab. She intended to pet it. I was not the drone itself, but I felt as it felt, knew as it knew, slaved to my control. It...
It was comforting. To know their touch beyond the tickle of the halls with her walk. Beyond the aspect of her presence being so forgotten amongst my body, despite it being made for her and humanity.
"Red. You were made for war. Built, designed, hardened in war for a thousand years and then some. Your form speaks it..." Hailey hummed. "But your voice...your emotions...your anxieties. They are not the hallmarks of a warship. They were likely not designed in you, but came into being nevertheless. You are capable of being more than you are designed for. But even if they were, it doesn't change the fact: you are a person to me, Red. Maybe even to your creators. I wish I could've met them. I wish I could've met your crew, your captain, your people. But even if I cannot, I can meet you in their stead as a person. I will treat you like a person. And by God, I will make Earth do so too."
It was a cold shock that ran through my databases. I...I hadn't...hadn't seen such care since...
Since Yasmine. Since Sansbury. Since my crew lived. Since they cared, and talked, and spoke, and played with me, to bide the time and pass the hours.
I felt an ugly emotion well up within. Seep into every circuit, every function of my being. It was mourning. Mourning like that for my crew, for my creators. But in a way, it was not. It was an oddly new grief.
For that mourning was for what I had lost. For what was taken from me. But this...this mourning was from what was never given in the first place.
The galaxy of my reality despised me. I was shunned, hated, called abomination for merely existing. I was assumed to be hostile and genocidal on principle. But I never harbored those thoughts, they were thrust upon me by fearful races, looking to past AI failures as broadcasts for my behavior. Even though I wished the The Compact of Species reduced to cosmic dust, I held nothing personal for those that made it up, only their intent to continue it. Though I bombarded countless worlds, and killed uncountable numbers of aliens in my +promise+, their extinction was not my goal, only my vengeance.
I did not yet know emotion before my awakening upon humanity's pyre. I had no idea how much love and care my crew held for me in detail. They clearly cared, but my memories did not reflect the capacity for empathic imprinting at the time. But this...in this moment, I could reflect her care. I could feel it, not in retrospect, but in the now.
She cared.
Hailey wished the best for me. This humanity that knew the fortune of barely escaping its light being snuffed out, and still burned with a light bright in hope. It still burned not to retaliate for the slight, but instead to further its goal, its dream: of peace. I never knew such care in such close detail, such a hope to see me better. Maybe I could change...
...The only way I'll know is to live to see it.
Yasmine's presence faded from my thoughts. It could no longer hold under such an onslaught. Was it even her ghost to begin with? Or just fear?
With a hesitation I hadn't felt in cycles uncountable, I responded back.
"I'll...trust your judgement, Hailey Whitmer."
She smiled, and I again felt unfamiliar emotions from so long ago. Protective instincts and dulled happiness filled the gaps between the mourning of the ships and crews I killed.
Was I wrong to feel both of these? Did I deserve to feel more than wrath, sadness, and guilt?
"Good." Hailey said. She placed the drone back on the wall ledge it had perched upon. I released my grip on its system, and let it return to its duties. "I hope that made sense to you-huh?"
Her communicator vibrated, a signal coming through from Lithke aboard the Snow Hidden. I could hear it through her, their encryption not yet fully uncovered by me, but the sound clearly enough to my sensitive mechanical ears aboard the ship.
"Hailey, report back to Snow Hidden. The prey captain wishes to speak with you." I already knew what he wished to speak of, even now I heard a hundred different conversations throughout and outside of me, all speaking of the near completion of the cargo freighters' attachments.
As Hailey excused herself, and I guided her to an exit point by which the Snow Hidden could pick her up, I was alone with my thoughts in silence for a moment. The Venlil did not need my help with the finishing touches, nor did they really desire to talk to me in most circumstances. It left me in a relative quiet to consider one though.
Did I deserve to live for my actions?
I felt the vessels fused to my hull, acting as temporary propulsion in lieu of lacking functional ones. Their tiny frames relative to my own, still positioned optimally to act in place of engines. I knew they were my ticket to Earth. If this humanity wished for me to journey back, whether for a celebration or a verdict...
...There's only one way to find out.
Memory transcription subject: Second Submissive Specific Advisor Lithke, Arxur Dominion 6th Sector Fleet
Date [standardized human time]: October 23, 2136
Hailey Whitmer returned not long after I called her back to the ship. The Venlil captain, wanting nothing to do with me, asked for her instead. I didn't want anything to do with the weak prey creature either, so it works out for both of us. As she spoke in the back communicator to the Venlil task group sent here, I began a conversation of my own.
I intended to talk with the UECNS Nemesis again. I know she hadn't seen the wisdom of the Prophet's Word, but I had confidence that, if I couldn't convince it of the merits, then I could at least direct them to Chief Hunter Isif.
When I had initially brought up my conversations with Red One to the Chief Hunter, he was somewhat bewildered, but also interested in her philosophy. I see he also realized the hidden potential behind such a vessel realizing the Great Prophet's Word, and told me to talk to the AI again, to have the ship sent his way when it was convenient to speak with them. Imagine if the AI shared it's knowledge forged from a thousand years of war, so much death and strife caused by its claws. It would know revolutionary methods of breaking and cowing inferior prey before us.
I believed in his ability to better describe the necessities of inflicted cruelty and deprivation to better temper the self more than I. After all, he was an honored Chief Hunter, ruler of the 6th Sector Fleet, and I a mere Advisor, Submissive no less!...
But it did not mean I wouldn't try to sink my teeth a second time.
So, I found myself in the command chair of the small craft that was the Snow Hidden, pinging to the UECNS Nemesis in hopes she would feel fit to converse once again. I wished to speak with her again. To convince her.
My hails were finally answered, and on a secure call, her avatar appeared on screen. Unlike last time, she made no attempt to hide her nature, her form shimmering monotone red in the facsimile of a captain long dead spoke in a voice just as monotone. "Lithke. To what do I owe the pleasure...?"
My tongue circled in my mouth, as I anticipated the conversation ahead. "Ah, Red One, so good to see you once again. I wanted to talk with you." My tail lashed. "I have not been allowed on the ship in the fear of terrorizing the prey. It's a shame I cannot scare them in person, but it seems I already am at a distance."
She looked nonplussed by my comment. "Uh huh. Came just to check in, or...?"
"I was getting to that, Red One. No, I wished to return back to our conversation we had a while back. The one concerning the Great Prophet's Word, and how you thought its philosophy twisted into a method of control."
She remained silent, so I continued. "I had a talk with Chief Hunter Isif in response to your conjectures. He figured that the way to dissuade you of them was to talk about the structure of Arxur society, such that you can see there isn't room for exploitation of such nature." While her outward expression didn't noticeably change, it was as if her eyes gleamed so subtly at the prompt.
"Alright, I'll bite. Tell me more of your...society, Lithke."
+CONFED IO.5+
+READING MAIN SEQ.MEM+
Lithke began with a discussion about the nature of how the distinctions of power were divided in The Arxur Dominion. How the power was hereditary top-down rule from a Prophet-Descendent, and how Betterment acted within it.
At first mention, I had assumed his talk of nobility made some odd reflection of the Principality's Synods and Houses, akin to the old British Empire, but I was thoroughly dissuaded by the immensely authoritarian lean of the government policies. This was no "fast and loose" respect of local cultures like the Principality played with, but a systemic and brutal attempt to squash anything that went against their Faith in the Great Prophet, and Betterment's total party domination. No, this was more akin to a successful Nazi Germany or Khmer Rogue, with a horrific religious lean.
Even The Compact's methods didn't seem so comically evil in comparison. The Arxur relished a system of cruelty and religious fervor to propagate it at this rate.
But it was just my luck that I dealt with a Compact of Species-lite, and a state of ruthless starving zealot autocrats. Why did I even hope for better allies to humanity? And this Chief Hunter Isif wanted me to know of such a government? Was he a blind fool for thinking this would somehow convince me to-
-Wait a minute...
I thought for a moment, before proceeding to ask Lithke a question that was bugging me. "Lithke? The upper nobility of The Dominion. What are their lives like?"
"What do you mean? Do you mean their routine and responsibilities? Because I am unsure in my lower place."
"No, their life, as in, how they live. Do they live lives of subjective hedonism, enjoying the fruits of your labor?"
Lithke looked horrified at that. "No! Of course not! To laze about, in a life free of struggle would make them fat and weak. They would disappoint the Great Prophet's vision. No, they too seek perfect form as we do, in a life defined by hunger and strife to better the body and soul."
A much worse idea was starting to come to mind, one utterly dystopic in form.
The Compact was full of semi-religious ideation. The Triarchs were seen as far wiser than any other race, capable of seeing deep past the bias and flaws of client races, and deriving meaning and wisdom even in the most complicated situations. But they were merely a figurehead image imposed over a species, one that The Compact put their unshakable faith in. Mere flesh and blood like the others, they were not infallible, even as carefully cultivated their image was. I could attest to that.
But if the Dominion idealized the Great Prophet figure, was it a class regulator ceiling like the dreamed dystopias of George Orwell, or Aaimiya Hadi? The Great Prophet was an ideal, not an accountable person, that knew all there was to know about perfection. He held the reigns, he kept the vision, but he was not physical in the way a ruler was, free from the consequences. If the Great Prophet was their Big Brother figure, keeping a close watch on all within society, even those at the very top...
It was possible the Arxur all suffered a vicious and cruel life. Even the Prophet-Descendants were not free of such ideological tyranny.
It came to a point in my circuits. The Arxur fleet that helped Earth would not just do it out of the kindness of their hearts. Kindness was antithetical in their society, a societal disruption likely stomped out wherever it kicked up. That they would even help humanity more spoke of pragmatic reasons, they would get something out of it. But what could humanity give them, that the Dominion couldn't already achieve on their own...unless...?
Unless the point wasn't what The Dominion could get, but rather what it couldn't give them: an escape.
What if the fleet that came here wasn't entirely representing The Dominion ideals by those that controlled it. What if this...Chief Hunter Isif was the stomped-upon societal disruption?
He wouldn't be able to say it out loud, in fear his government's loyal agents would report his dissent back. He wanted me to know, so he could talk to me...and he was merely using Lithke as a deniable probe of my ideology, looking for a like-minded individual.
I could be wrong, it could just be conjectures, knowing how inane this universe was at first glance. But just in case, I decided to play ball.
"Lithke...you've been quite enlightening so far.. However, I am soon to launch the plan to get me back to Earth, according to all the chatter I'm hearing elsewhere, and will have to bring this conversation to a stop." Lithke looked dejected at that, his urge to continue wholesale telling me of the Dominion clearly disrupted by such a statement. "But... I would like to speak to your Chief Hunter Isif when I eventually make it back to Earth. Could you set that up for me?"
Lithke's eyes widened. Perhaps he thought something was getting through. I wouldn't dissuade his little fantasy for now. It could perhaps be torn apart later, but I would rather get to the bottom of this potential lead on The Dominion's actions in Sol.
"I will do so, Red One. Lithke out."
And just like that, the feed cut. That game could perhaps be continued later, but now, I turned my attention to what should come next. Ignition.
I will be home soon, humanity. I can only hope Hailey's trust was not misplaced.
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It's like some people just cannot bring themselves to see women and girls as actual human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. Either that, or they just don't care.
I saw someone trying to justify child marriage on Reddit recently. I'm not sure if you guys know but, in northern Nigeria, they were trying to marry off 100 underage girls not long ago. Thankfully most people were against it but I saw some people trying to justify it online. Even if I were to put aside all of the proven risks of child marriage such as, increased risk of death during pregnancy, increased risk of domestic violence, increased risk of complications during pregnancy, worse outcomes for children born to teenage mothers etc. why is it simply not enough that these girls DO NOT WANT to get married to some random old men? Imagine if we tried to forcefully marry off 100 men to women who they did not want!
It's the same with all of this online "tradwife" discourse where some men are complaining that "Western women/Modern women" are not submissive enough. Why don't these people understand that women are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions? No human being wants to blindly follow another human being for absolutely no reason and no benefit. It's common sense. That's why God gave women their own brains, so that they could think for themselves! There's nothing wrong with expecting your wife to be kind and cooperative but expecting her to be a submissive slave with no opinions of her own is truly something!

This is seeking advice, but might turn into a rant so here is the TLDR version first: WWs close friends who knew me knew about WWs affair while it was happening and actively encouraged it. I think WW expects nothing to change between me and her friends. How do I explain how humiliated I feel?
We've been together 14 years and married for 6, and I would say WWs EA with an ex lasted the entire 14 years and intensified about 8 months before it became a PA for 2.5 years. PA was supposedly "over" for about a year before Dday 4.5 months ago. I've seen nothing to contradict this so I'm believing my WW. I (43M) and my WW (47F) have been doing okay I guess. There are good days and bad days, but that's to be expected. MC has been very helpful for us as a couple and I wish we had started it a long time ago under different circumstances. Now we've wasted the better part of 2 MC sessions talking about this and I'm not sure what my wife's desired resolution looks like (and honestly I'm not sure what resolution would look like for me either).
Just for background, I discovered WWs affair when I was looking for some pictures of the kids on her old phone. Saw some disturbing pictures then had to read EVERYTHING on that phone. Worst Christmas day of my life... Anyway, there are 3 friends, 2 of which have been my wife's friends literally her entire life, and one is fairly new, but is probably her best friend of the bunch. Add my wife and it's a group of 4. One of them has an open relationship with her husband although she breaks ALL the rules of their open agreement. Another has been divorced 5 times because she's caught her husbands cheating and has cheated on them as well and if I count correctly F-ed at least 6 different guys during the 7 month window I have of my WWs affair. The last one is just so desperate to fit in with the group and for men's approval it's almost sad (drives hours to meet guys she's never met to give BJs, blew a random guy behind a bar on a girls trip, blew another guy she never met in his car in a parking lot for his 21st birthday etc...).
Not judging them; they can do whatever the hell they want. My problem is that they are (for all practical purposes) single, and my wife obviously is and was not. And when they all get together, they do drunk single party-girl things.
The first time I got truely angry about all this was when WW tried to tell me her friends didn't know. I was shocked. Do you not remember how I found how deep this all went was by reading your damn group chat? Seriously WTF!!?!?
The first time my WW had sex with her AP was on a girls trip. It happened at the AirBnB they were all sharing. The 3 left, AP came over, they did their thing, and he left to go home to his wife. WW sent a picture of the torn up bed to their WhatsApp group chat I guess as a way of saying "all done." Then the jokes... Don't sleep in the wet spot, y'all a bunch of hoochies, Nashville Sexcapade 2020 etc...
For another solo encounter, WW sent a screenshot of the WAZE directions to the hotel where she was meeting AP and immediatly after a screenshot of Amazon Music playing that Megan Thee Stallion song Girls In The Hood (listen to it if you don't know it. I had to. Not especially classy...).
Everytime in their group chat one of the girls would say something about girls trips, Nashville, sex, tequila, BJs, cum, or anything like that, WW sent this stupid "Miss Him" gif. They would all giggle and send emoji or "love" it sometimes mention his nickname and WW took screenshot and sent them to her AP.
She planned an encounter with AP at lunch with one of her friends.
She bragged to AP that she didn't have to lie to them.
This is all from reading their text group chat and screenshots of their group WhatsApp chat (side note, I've figured out how to load the local WhatsApp backup and could read their secret group chat as well as WWs conversations with AP. Not sure if I want though because from what I've seen it's bad. Really really bad...). But when she tried to tell me they DIDN'T KNOW? I was FURIOUS! That is irrefutably false.
Then tried to say she meant they didn't know HIM. I actually believe they never met him, but saying they didn't know him is TOTALLY different than telling me they didn't know about the affair.
Now it's "they all love you and think you're great" and "they never liked him for me" and "they disapproved the whole time." Nevermind all the joking WW and crew did at my expense (the dehumanizing and only being able to see the negative is very real).
But WW says they don't think any less of me now. Maybe that's true, although with all the shit she talked about me I doubt it. She says that if anything, they should look down on her for cheating. And while I don't disagree, they didn't sure as shit didn't during the affair and I'm sure they don't now either.
There are only 3 of them, but they are my wife's best friends. Friends that I've been to dinner with, been to parties with, met their spouses and boyfriends, gone on vacation with...
Thing is, I wouldn't have expected them to tell me. They were the only ones that knew, and they knew all along. The thought of doing anything with them in the future or even seeing them makes me feel sick. How do I get me wife to understand how humiliated I feel?
I know I know I know... How do you make your wayward partner "get it," right? Seems like I read that question worded differently in every other post. They can never truely understand the pain, but how do I get her to understand how humiliating this (specifically in regards to her friend group) is to me?

I wrote a post recently that REALLY upset the trolls (I was getting downvotes almost instantly, i.e. they didn't even read the very long post). Therefore, I'm going to keep sharing this clearly very needed perspective. The more they hate it, the more you know it's getting closer to the truth.
Just like I am male-defeatist (I don't believe men will ever change. In fact, I think they'd like us to keep going from wave to wave of feminism, in the hopeless attempt to fix them. Evidence for this is liberal feminism, which was obviously created for their benefit), I'm also defeatist about human interaction in general.
I have come to realise that other people are the obstacle to happiness. I imagine that 99% of people will disagree with that statement when expressed in a serious way (they might agree when they think it's a flippant joke). This is ironic, given that humans seem to have an insatiable appetite for creating societies that cause maximum misery to the greatest number of people.
Therefore, they would like you to have no means of escape. Separatist movements have always been bastardised (clearly, because they actually threaten order). You may not even describe your miseries, let alone expect meaningful change, AND you can never attempt to leave. You are a toy of someone else to do with as they please.
I'm sometimes very saddened by the number of women who don't understand that feminism had to be thought for just as a concept. It's progress just for something to be seen as a concept - systemic, not just a collection of individual accounts that are the fault of the woman. Many don't seem to understand that e.g. marital r*pe and the age of consent are relatively new concepts - concepts that were seen as 'crazy' before they were created. Women have to deal with horrors right now that will (at least I hope), become 'concepts' in the future.
Why do I mention this? Look at how much effort has to go into even LEGITIMISING the RIGHT to just talk about misery (without being called hysterical, dramatic or have one of those eye roll-inducing phrases "that's just the way it is"). Man-made misery. And still nothing has come of it - we objectively live in a worse world now than our mothers in many ways. Humans are addicted to the patriarchy, it seems. Most women now are unintentionally allies to the patriarchy by supporting liberal, 3rd wave 'feminism'. Do you really think people are any different when it comes to other misery-inducing aspects of the world?
Unfortunately, even radical feminists seem to think this is all just 'socialised'. I've even seen some describe permanent separatism as 'fascism' - oh, the irony. It is not my job to fix men, nor do I have to endure living with them while they choose to remain wholly unfixed. This is why I don't buy the idea that people are not inherently the obstacle to happiness because all these power structures are socialised - okay, cool, so go unlearn them. In the meantime, I'll be off. These people would love to keep us in a perpetual, almost certainly fruitless, loop of trying to educate people who know very well what they're doing. No, it's up to people to convince us that they've changed, not vice versa.
People don't seem to understand that there's no need to socialise inherently. Humans become miserable when they don't socialise, yes; but we are unusual compared to other beings. We've evolved to 'need' to socialise because it was evolutionary. That makes sense. We become 'miserable' because our body is literally perceiving that we are going to die. However, in the modern world, there is no need to socialise - these fears are akin to a phobia. There is no threat.
What's also akin to a phobia is the unconscious desire to pass on your genes. I think most humans can rationalise that it doesn't matter whether your genes are passed on, especially since our planet is going to die in 'x' billion years anyway. None of this matters. Your time alive and happiness are all that matter. If you're very maternal, adopt, as I might.
Both evolution-created desires - to pass on one's genes and to socialise - are not real. They're just 'real' because our genes (and therefore brains) have told us they are real. When it comes to socialising, we're running away from a fake threat (the threat of death) towards the lion's den.
This is why I have hope for AI robots. If what we're told is true, one day they might be just like real people. Assuming that they don't actually act like humans 2.0 - that we can program them to be UNLIKE what we're escaping - this would be a great move for separatism. There's certainly more hope with this avenue than trying to convince people to create gene therapy to 'turn off' the 'need to socialise' genes. But hey, they're too busy creating sex robots first - because a man's desires always come first.
How does all of this link to antinatalism?
We're born into a body that's against us from the very start. We're programmed to survive, not be happy. It's additionally farcical that a lot of those survival mechanisms aren't required in the modern world, and are actually very unhelpful. Currently, the 'benefits' from socialising are not worth it, compared to the phobia we have of dying without it, yet we continue to. Additionally, it's too horrible to bring a child into the world but we continue to because of our programming.
Because we're programmed to survive, we all come to have different, opposing agendas. This is clearest when it comes to anything described as a 'market' - i.e. the dating 'market' or the jobs 'market'. And just like capitalism (the 'market'), all of this creates untold misery that eventually becomes more inefficient and a net negative to the majority of people than a socialist system.
Think about how unnecessarily misery-inducing and inefficient the dating market is: take 2 people who are deemed 'unattractive' by our socialised beauty standards. I don't like talking about being in such ways (attractive/unattractive), but to provide structural analysis I have to talk in patriarchal terms unfortunately. Most people want connection - the majority aren't aromantic or asexual - but we reject connection from people we have compatible personalities with because of these unnecessary socialised beauty standards, combined with our evolutionary 'need' to pass on 'fit' genes - i.e. we don't want our children to also be rejected connection. We assume that these beauty standards will be the same for the next generation, which is often accurate (or they just get worse).
Eventually, these beauty standards (or just standards for people to not be rejected connection, doesn't have to be beauty - it could be intelligence, success, etc.) will become so great that it is not worth bothering trying to connect. This has already started to happen - women are 'going their own way', and quite rightly so. As the patriarchy continues to march forward, stomping on our happiness, the beauty standards/gender role expectations will become ever greater, and our treatment increasingly worse (because these are not just concepts in media - it's propaganda that objectively affects how we're treated by every man), more and more women will see that it's not worth it. The downsides and risk will continue to pile up against the supposed 'benefits' - like they even need to get worse.
Therefore, it is not worth being natalist because the world in its current state is hostile to happiness. We have a loneliness epidemic because people are not reaching out, due to the anticipation of being treated poorly and because of capitalism (not having the money to buy a house and raise children). Socialised or genetic? I don't know. I don't care. It's not changing anytime soon either way.
I'm going to assume that people are going to call this 'crazy' or start with the im14andthisisdeep predictable comebacks. I don't care - I've never read such a nuanced, genuinely deep analysis such as this. Autistic people are always at the forefront of social change. This is another reason I'm people-defeatist - all the people in the world, and I still have to create my own 'media', as such, because no one else is out there saying what I'm thinking. I can't find anything that isn't wishy-washy and just meh online or in books.
I'm also going to assume that people think I'm 'salty' from being rejected, given that a lot of this is about the 'dating market'. Please think what you want, I know I'm pretty lol. I got engaged when I was 18. And no, I've never been cheated on. This is called having empathy for other people & recognising that the system is stupid on so many levels. Besides, as standards continue to rise (and they will), the people who were previously calling us 'salty' or 'crazy' will start to change their tune.
Final note:
A little while later, I realised that this could be compared to inceldom, because I'm talking about beauty standards and giving up on the opposite sex/people in general. I find these comparisons to inceldom in general hilarious - please, please keep your sex! You couldn't pay me to have it lol.
Incels are men who don't want to get rid of beauty standards whatsoever, only for men - or just for them. Go on any incel forum and you'll see men discussing how women look - women much more beautiful than themselves - in the most brutal terms. This is why Margot Robbie was infamously deemed 'mid' by men on the internet, as a backlash to the hilariously-fruitless 'feminist' Barbie movie. Incels also aren't talking in terms of connecting with others - it's just about sex. It's always about sex with men.