Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I appreciate your opinions. Things have been going well dating my gf of 4 months. We took things slow to really get to know each other before making things official. Since things were progressing well, we discussed our families and relatives and how we wanted to introduce each other to our families. During this discussion, I learnt my gf’s stepfather has a criminal history. I would be lying if I said it did not create feelings of doubt and unease within me to continue to relationship.
My gf’s stepfather came into her life when she was 18 when her mother married her stepfather. My gf moved out when they were 22. Her stepfather served 10 years in prison starting at age 19 for choking his drug dealer to death after an argument while high. My gf said because her stepfather was pretty with blond hair and blue eyes, to survive in prison he joined the skinheads white supremist group and got a racist tattoo. My gf said her stepfather is a changed man with regret for his past. Her stepfather got his degree in prison, reflected on his past, and swore to never repeat his mistakes. He worked hard to change himself and when he got out, he built a business and new life for himself. When he got out, he had a daughter to whom my gf says he has tried to be the best dad for. After moving in with my gf's mother, he saw his daughter less until his daughter cut contact with him after age 18. It devastated him and forced him to look inwards and become a better man again. My gf says because of this, her stepfather considers her his child and really dots on her and their mother.
My gf said they initially hated her stepfather because of his past and warned her mother against dating him. Over time, she saw how well her stepfather treated her mother and began to accept him into their lives. She says her stepfather is one of the kindest men she has ever met. Extremely conflict adverse to the point the mother wears the pants. My gf says if I give him a chance, I will come to like him like she does. idk
I feel unease with the fact. I asked her why her stepfather never removed the tattoo after coming out of prison if it was a means for survival unless he believes in it too. She said the tattoo was a part of his life in prison, a reminder of the mistakes he has made. I asked if he still does drugs and she said he has been sober for years.
My internal conflict is two factors
1) I am a person of color and I do not think my family will accept me dating someone with immediate family who was racist and a past murderer even if he is a changed man
2) my gf has been great so far, and this man’s history is independent from her. She wasn’t even raised by him, so I feel its unfair to see my gf in a negative light for something they did not do. However, I think this is a major consideration for a future relationship even if she is at no fault
I do not know what to do or even how to approach the situation. My gf has never done anything to break my trust or make me see her in a negative light and this situation is so far out of their control I cannot blame them. However, I am unease with things going forward given my family is not white and a little part of me fear for my own and their safety
I’d really appreciate your opinions on how to move forward with integrity, dignity and respect for myself and gf. What would you guys do? How would you approach this situation? Am I overreacting?
Thank you
TLDR: I am a person of color and I found out my gf's stepfather has been to prison for murdering his drug dealer while high as a 19 year old, 30 years ago and served 10 years in prison. He joined the skinheads in prison to survive and got a racist tattoo he has not removed. My gf has been great but as a person of color, I am unsure how to proceed with this new information

I am not entirely sure how to write this so please excuse the word vomit that is about to happen. Thank you.
I am an 18 year old online college student and I've always had a bit of trouble making friends and being able to keep them. My anxious tendency's make it hard for me to fully understand why someone would truly want to be my friend. I'm in therapy trying to work this my issues and trying to find better ways of communication. While I've only been in therapy for a short while I, personally, feel like made a ton of progress. I have contacted old friends and have made a couple new ones. I wouldn't go as far to say that I don't struggle with responding but I eventually will.
A big part of my anxiety is that I might take up "too much space", that my behavior would be "too much", that I would be annoying, and ultimately that people would hate be and I'd be lonely. My anxiety sometimes blinds me and I can't tell who I can and can't trust. I see the word alone being used a lot when people use it to describe how they feel but I don't feel alone. The word alone in the dictionary reads "having no one present" and the work lonely in the dictionary reads "without companions; solitary; cut off from others". I believe that the word lonely fits the description of my feeling better than alone. I know that I enjoy my alone time - my space - but for a long time I couldn't tell the difference between the two.
The first time I ever really felt my anxiety was in middle school. My younger self was much more open and optimistic than I am now. I still had that child-like wonder and sense of safety; like nothing could ever go wrong. I wish that feeling never left. As it is for most people, middle school was horrible. I remember being eccentric, happy, and very talkative. This was a direct hit for those "mean girl clicks" everyone had encountered in middle school. At that time I never really understand how cruel the world could truly be. This was the moment I truly felt the anxiety click in, hearing people talk behind your back then be so loving and caring to your face.I won't say that I am a saint because I know that I have also had rude conversations behind peoples backs and I can say nothing eats me alive more then knowing how rude I was. I know that it is almost impossible to get people to not talk about you behind your back, it happens to everyone but this never stopped me from trying.
Those "mean girl clicks" used to talk about how I'm too loud, annoying, they hated my hair, the way I dressed, etc. And I can positively say this went on with me though my entire life. I started dressing in all black, I would speak unless spoken to, I would keep my opinion to myself unless cued otherwise; I did all of this and more just to try and keep the attention off of me. I would keep a book with me at all times so I didn't disrupt anyone so that wouldn't be annoying. I was so fearful of seeing self-centered, being too much to handle, annoying, egotistical, and entitled to how much damage I was doing to my self worth in the long run. I wanted to so anything to avoid being those words because I thought that it would earn me friends; I thought that it would finally make me worthy.
All of this is to say that this was of living followed me though my life. Anytime someone needed something I was the first to volunteer, I wanted to help everyone in every way I could, I wanted to be a natural friend of people. A neutral friend - someone who was like enough to keep around but not noticeable enough to be talked about behind their back. I did this with everyone I met at school, work, family, etc. With this my therapist has helped me open up more and I've gotten more comfortable with myself and the fact that it's okay for me to take up space. However, I am still very aware of how I am acting and how I might be perceived. I think three times about what I am going to say before I say it to make sure I don't say anything that can hurt someone. Does it still accidentally happen, yes, but I am always empathic about it and I always apologize.
I have been in a bit of a job switch recently and I am working with people much older than me and I have had a hard time with management. My most recent bosses and have rude, unforgiving, and disrespectful. Now I understand that not all jobs will be perfect and for the most part you just have to deal with it but as I've said above I take comments that are made to me seriously. I know this can be a bad thing to do but my anxiety had a tendency to pick it up and run with it. My employer makes the schedule on a monthly basis, I am a full-time employee, and for the past two months I have worked 20-25 days each month and now the new schedule (June) I am only scheduled to work for 11 days. With quick math working 11 days can't pay my car insurance let alone the car note. I was understandably, in my opinion, upset and I took it up with them the next day so that I was not speaking out of anger in the moment. When I brought it up to my employer the next morning they told me that 30% of my productivity can from them helping me and the other 70% came from me working alone. I was essentially told that my productivity level was too low and that if I wanted to work more then I need to "prove myself". This honestly stirred a lot of my past worried and anxieties about never be good enough and not being worthy. And while that's not what was explicitly said it is what my anxiety heard.
When I finally got home (I live with a relative) they asked me what was wrong and I had explained the situation with that and I that I felt like I was being productive and trying my hardest. They had brought up the idea that my productivity level might be the issue and when I asked further I was met with one of the more gut-wrenching comments I have ever had anyone say about me. They told me that I act entitled. I have been called many things but for be being called entitled, one of the very things I have tried so hard not to be, it completely broke me inside. I have entered a few inserts below about my "Being Entitled" search.
Entitled - Adjective - Google Definition

• Believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

What does it mean to be entitled? - Cambridge.org

• Feeling that you have the right to do or have what you want without having to work for it or deserve it just because you are who you are.

How do entitled people behave? - Well Mind Article

• Demanding special treatment, expecting others to do things for you, not showing gratitude, and the need for constant adornment.

Example of being entitled - Psychologytoday.org

• You see your own interest more interesting than others. See your goal and desires to be more valid than others. You disregard rules that are intended for everyones comfort.

What does entitled mean as an insult?

• In many cases, describing someone as entitled may be a criticism of their behavior or attitude, suggesting that they display a lack of humility or an unrealistic sense of self-importance.

With going though and finding all of these articles describing what an entitled person acts like I don't think that I fit into this category. I try so hard to make everyone happy to make sure that their days are going good. I have always shown gratitude when someone does something for me and I have a tendency to say that "I am sorry" even if it has nothing to do with me. They called me entitled on Monday the 27th of May and it is not June 2nd and I never received an apology. This evening I brought it up during a discussion and they asked if it was really still think about it. Part of me wanted to say no that it was just a joke, bottle it up, and move on but I didn't. Instead I said, yes I am, you never said sorry for being rude me, and all they said was that they were being honest. I told them I understand honesty but they could have brought it up in a nice more adult manner. They brushed me off and told be I was being a baby about it that I should take it for face value and "re-evaluate myself". They were never specific about any time I was acting "entitled". When I brought up why it was rude to me and that it was a main center point for my anxiety and that my therapist was helping me finally get through it; they told be that my therapist can't be the only person I talk to about my feelings. They told me that this is not what she is here for. That I needed to talk to my friends and family instead. But this is the problem, I thought that I was so safe with this relative (emotions wise) and now I have been proven wrong so I don't see any reason I would open up to them now. I also brought up the point that it is hard for me to make friends. They looked and me and said well I try and get you to go out to clubs and events but I just don't find it easy to make friends like that. I like quiet spaces where things are calm but even in settings like those it's so hard for me to make friends.
They still never apologized and I truly don't think that they will. I've been dwelling on their comment about me being entitled everyday. And everyday it makes me more and more anxious, I've noticed myself being more secluded to avoid stepping on anyones toes. I think what I am looking for here is opinions that aren't mine or theirs. I know that was a lot to read but if you did I would appreciate some feedback. Do I seem entitled? Do I deserve an apology? How do I deal with something like this because I am completely lost.
Thank you for reading my word-vomit <3

I am not entirely sure how to write this so please excuse the word vomit that is about to happen. Thank you.
I am an 18 year old online college student and I've always had a bit of trouble making friends and being able to keep them. My anxious tendency's make it hard for me to fully understand why someone would truly want to be my friend. I'm in therapy trying to work this my issues and trying to find better ways of communication. While I've only been in therapy for a short while I, personally, feel like made a ton of progress. I have contacted old friends and have made a couple new ones. I wouldn't go as far to say that I don't struggle with responding but I eventually will.
A big part of my anxiety is that I might take up "too much space", that my behavior would be "too much", that I would be annoying, and ultimately that people would hate be and I'd be lonely. My anxiety sometimes blinds me and I can't tell who I can and can't trust. I see the word alone being used a lot when people use it to describe how they feel but I don't feel alone. The word alone in the dictionary reads "having no one present" and the work lonely in the dictionary reads "without companions; solitary; cut off from others". I believe that the word lonely fits the description of my feeling better than alone. I know that I enjoy my alone time - my space - but for a long time I couldn't tell the difference between the two.
The first time I ever really felt my anxiety was in middle school. My younger self was much more open and optimistic than I am now. I still had that child-like wonder and sense of safety; like nothing could ever go wrong. I wish that feeling never left. As it is for most people, middle school was horrible. I remember being eccentric, happy, and very talkative. This was a direct hit for those "mean girl clicks" everyone had encountered in middle school. At that time I never really understand how cruel the world could truly be. This was the moment I truly felt the anxiety click in, hearing people talk behind your back then be so loving and caring to your face.I won't say that I am a saint because I know that I have also had rude conversations behind peoples backs and I can say nothing eats me alive more then knowing how rude I was. I know that it is almost impossible to get people to not talk about you behind your back, it happens to everyone but this never stopped me from trying.
Those "mean girl clicks" used to talk about how I'm too loud, annoying, they hated my hair, the way I dressed, etc. And I can positively say this went on with me though my entire life. I started dressing in all black, I would speak unless spoken to, I would keep my opinion to myself unless cued otherwise; I did all of this and more just to try and keep the attention off of me. I would keep a book with me at all times so I didn't disrupt anyone so that wouldn't be annoying. I was so fearful of seeing self-centered, being too much to handle, annoying, egotistical, and entitled to how much damage I was doing to my self worth in the long run. I wanted to so anything to avoid being those words because I thought that it would earn me friends; I thought that it would finally make me worthy.
All of this is to say that this was of living followed me though my life. Anytime someone needed something I was the first to volunteer, I wanted to help everyone in every way I could, I wanted to be a natural friend of people. A neutral friend - someone who was like enough to keep around but not noticeable enough to be talked about behind their back. I did this with everyone I met at school, work, family, etc. With this my therapist has helped me open up more and I've gotten more comfortable with myself and the fact that it's okay for me to take up space. However, I am still very aware of how I am acting and how I might be perceived. I think three times about what I am going to say before I say it to make sure I don't say anything that can hurt someone. Does it still accidentally happen, yes, but I am always empathic about it and I always apologize.
I have been in a bit of a job switch recently and I am working with people much older than me and I have had a hard time with management. My most recent bosses and have rude, unforgiving, and disrespectful. Now I understand that not all jobs will be perfect and for the most part you just have to deal with it but as I've said above I take comments that are made to me seriously. I know this can be a bad thing to do but my anxiety had a tendency to pick it up and run with it. My employer makes the schedule on a monthly basis, I am a full-time employee, and for the past two months I have worked 20-25 days each month and now the new schedule (June) I am only scheduled to work for 11 days. With quick math working 11 days can't pay my car insurance let alone the car note. I was understandably, in my opinion, upset and I took it up with them the next day so that I was not speaking out of anger in the moment. When I brought it up to my employer the next morning they told me that 30% of my productivity can from them helping me and the other 70% came from me working alone. I was essentially told that my productivity level was too low and that if I wanted to work more then I need to "prove myself". This honestly stirred a lot of my past worried and anxieties about never be good enough and not being worthy. And while that's not what was explicitly said it is what my anxiety heard.
When I finally got home (I live with a relative) they asked me what was wrong and I had explained the situation with that and I that I felt like I was being productive and trying my hardest. They had brought up the idea that my productivity level might be the issue and when I asked further I was met with one of the more gut-wrenching comments I have ever had anyone say about me. They told me that I act entitled. I have been called many things but for be being called entitled, one of the very things I have tried so hard not to be, it completely broke me inside. I have entered a few inserts below about my "Being Entitled" search.
Entitled - Adjective - Google Definition

• Believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

What does it mean to be entitled? - Cambridge.org

• Feeling that you have the right to do or have what you want without having to work for it or deserve it just because you are who you are.

How do entitled people behave? - Well Mind Article

• Demanding special treatment, expecting others to do things for you, not showing gratitude, and the need for constant adornment.

Example of being entitled - Psychologytoday.org

• You see your own interest more interesting than others. See your goal and desires to be more valid than others. You disregard rules that are intended for everyones comfort.

What does entitled mean as an insult?

• In many cases, describing someone as entitled may be a criticism of their behavior or attitude, suggesting that they display a lack of humility or an unrealistic sense of self-importance.

With going though and finding all of these articles describing what an entitled person acts like I don't think that I fit into this category. I try so hard to make everyone happy to make sure that their days are going good. I have always shown gratitude when someone does something for me and I have a tendency to say that "I am sorry" even if it has nothing to do with me. They called me entitled on Monday the 27th of May and it is not June 2nd and I never received an apology. This evening I brought it up during a discussion and they asked if it was really still think about it. Part of me wanted to say no that it was just a joke, bottle it up, and move on but I didn't. Instead I said, yes I am, you never said sorry for being rude me, and all they said was that they were being honest. I told them I understand honesty but they could have brought it up in a nice more adult manner. They brushed me off and told be I was being a baby about it that I should take it for face value and "re-evaluate myself". They were never specific about any time I was acting "entitled". When I brought up why it was rude to me and that it was a main center point for my anxiety and that my therapist was helping me finally get through it; they told be that my therapist can't be the only person I talk to about my feelings. They told me that this is not what she is here for. That I needed to talk to my friends and family instead. But this is the problem, I thought that I was so safe with this relative (emotions wise) and now I have been proven wrong so I don't see any reason I would open up to them now. I also brought up the point that it is hard for me to make friends. They looked and me and said well I try and get you to go out to clubs and events but I just don't find it easy to make friends like that. I like quiet spaces where things are calm but even in settings like those it's so hard for me to make friends.
They still never apologized and I truly don't think that they will. I've been dwelling on their comment about me being entitled everyday. And everyday it makes me more and more anxious, I've noticed myself being more secluded to avoid stepping on anyones toes. I think what I am looking for here is opinions that aren't mine or theirs. I know that was a lot to read but if you did I would appreciate some feedback. Do I seem entitled? Do I deserve an apology? How do I deal with something like this because I am completely lost.
Thank you for reading my word-vomit <3

The Injustice Initiative and Megaverse Council did not grieve with their former leader for too long, due to the combined forces of Venessa and Velocity making swift progress in uniting dozens of Omniverses under their heroic banner. Velocity used her direct and demanding demeanor to influence the defenders of each Omniverse to join the Council and was brutally honest in her meetings with the current situation. She stressed that if they refuse to join then they will face extinction and the Council will not help them when they are attacked due to them only having priorities for attacking the demons head on. Venessa on the other hand focused her attention in strengthening the Injustice Initiative with rigorous training and firing incompetent people in leadership positions and swiftly replacing them with those that were far more competent and understood the severity of the situation. In the span of 16 days, the combined efforts of these two feminine leaders made great leaps in progress that equaled or surpassed Diamond's own work in the past three months.
While these two were on a mission together, The Researcher contacted them regarding a very important matter. When the two heroines arrived at the Council's headquarters The Researcher revealed to them two enormous discoveries. "We finally found them. The place where our foes call home, Omniverse 6,666,666. We do not know much of this Omniverse other than the Diamond from Omniverse 8 being aware of its potential and became paranoid of its existence leading him nearly wiping all traces of it from the Council's database. I happen to uncover the last fragments of his report that failed to be deleted. Furthermore, the Core of that Omniverse is deeply fractured, completely drained of all power. We can deduce with sound reasoning that the landscape of that Omniverse is something out of an apocalypse with everything that could have gone wrong, definitely went wrong. In addition, it is a very wide and vast Omniverse similar to the Main Omniverse. In fact, before its current miserable state, it was a near copy of the Main Omniverse. We are trying to scout and analyze the area as best as we can, but it is blocking all of our scanners. Our supernatural sensors can barely last four seconds before frying when they sense the amount of dark negative energy that shrouds that Omniverse." Velocity, "And the other news?" "We also found a very promising Omniverse that was elusive to our map, but just appeared and is surging with radiant energy from the Light." Venessa abruptly, "Light? Like The Light......... not just colorful lights?" "Correct. Would you care to guess what this Omniverse's number is?" "I would assume it would be the polar opposite of the other, so Omniverse 7,777,777?" "Bingo. Apparently, they have a hierarchy over there and their King requests your presence. His words not mine were King Alexander humbly requests the presence of Empress Venessa of the Main Omniverse and any companions she wishes to bring for a formal meeting in regards to the future protection of the Megaverse."
"Alright, message King Alexander and tell him I will adhere to his request. She accessed her communication com and ordered Tray and Cross to join her on the mission. She then turned to Velocity. I would have you join me on this mission, but I do not want to delay the progress you are making in convincing more Omniverses to join our cause." A short time passed as the three members arrived for their briefing with Venessa. After their meeting, they used their watches and traveled to Omniverse 7,777,777. Their eyes were blinded by the bright rays of the sun, before they could tell where they were at. At last, their eyes adjusted to their environment, which resulted in them being astonished at the shining city that was before them. They observed trains similar to bullet trains zipping back and forth through wind tubes and the residents there in very intricate clothing. The residents either had high collar jackets, dazzling shirts, and most importantly, Venessa could sense all of them having unusual levels of the Light inside of them. A loud voice could be heard behind them. "Are these the people who the King wishes to speak with?" The group turns around and sees two men standing a few feet behind them. One appears six foot and a few inches, he did not wear a shirt but was surrounded with gold and red armor, a long red cape, black pants, and long flowing blonde hair. The other was a little shorter around five feet and possibly 11 inches with black and purple hair, a black and purple cape, purple pants, and purple armor in the exact areas as the first man. The second one responded to his companion in a soft-spoken manner,"Yes, these are the three we were assigned to escort back to the castle." Venessa, "Hey, are you two like siblings or something? You two kind of look alike." The purple one, "That assumption is correct. I am Lucrest and this is my older obnoxious brother Leoped." Leoped, "We are two in a handful of select individuals, who serve the King by carrying out special assignments and investigations." Lucrest, "If you will please follow us, the King is eager to greet you."
The three heroes followed the two guards to the castle, during their walk Venessa teased her sibling, Tray. "It appears those two brothers have larger swords than you. I think they are far superior swordsmen if they can handle large blades like that. It fails to even compare your toothpick of a sword." "Shush! I don't want to hear it. I choose elegance and gracefulness over something flashy." The group finally reached the castle as several guards in colorful shining full body armor saluted the group as they stepped inside the large white crystal doors of the castle. Leoped and Lucrest led the trio right towards the throne room; no sooner than when the doors opened, King Alexander leaped from his throne and welcomed his guests. The King's outfit was composed of expensive black cloth with silver and blue crystals creating his unique armor with gold outlining around the edges and his crown. His hair was white as snow with a cape flowing from his waist with two metallic angelic wings attached to his back. He appeared as someone who was no older than their early 20's, much less muscular than Leoped, while possessing a staggering height of 6,7. "Greetings Empress Venessa, first adopted child of Diamond! A pleasure to finally meet you. Greetings to you Tray, second adopted child of Diamond! And a very warm welcome to Cross, the last member and headmaster of the Royal Guard!" Cross' attitude changed from being standoffish to one of utter shock. No one has addressed him as headmaster since the days of the Clone War. Tray whispered to Venessa, "Headmaster of the Royal Guard? I never knew that about Cross." "Yes, many years in Cross' realm he was headmaster of the Royal Guard, an elite group of warriors who protected his realm from malevolent threats under the orders of a man named the Keeper. This was brought to an end when.........Alastor manipulated him to massacre all of his fellow friends and the Keeper towards the end of the Clone War, mere days before order Kingdom Come was initiated."
King Alexander, "Empress Venessa please accept these gifts as a sign of good will. He signaled for four servants to step forward with bundles of technology and scrolls. The Alphaverse is more than ready to work closely alongside the Megaverse Council to defeat the fallen angels and corrupted souls of the Demonic Council! Please follow me to our war chambers." King Alexander led the heroes down several steps to a room that was protected by several guards. They were granted access and upon entering, the heroes were stunned to see holographic displays of plans and projects that were scattered as two male figures were debating with a female. The figures turned to the doors and quickly turned off the scattered plans and pulled up a file that said, "Propositions and explanation for the Megaverse Council." One unique hologram Venessa saw before it disappeared was a hologram of the Matrix of Eternity with a subject line under it labeled "Restore the Matrix to its former power?" As Venessa was deep in thought, King Alexander spoke to his guests who the other three figures were, "The lanky one with grey hair and a gas mask is our lead chemist, Lorenzo. The other one with him with the crimson operator hat, black and red hair, and basically black and red from his natural wings to his armor adored with many medals is our head of homeland security, Viciate. Last but not least is our lead scientist of technology, and weapons, whose brilliance I cannot put into words, Malissia." Malissia had medium length jet black hair that only left her left eye visible, yet it appeared she had unique facial marks that were long black lines leading up to her eyelids. She wore a long black coat that went just above her ankles with boots in the shape of heels. Nearly everything she wore was black except her shirt which was white with print that resembles computer chips. Malissia, "I prefer to go by M." Tray in a playful manner, "A little gothic in your appearance compared to everyone we've seen today!" "Simply a matter of taste and perception." Tray then noticed Malissia had white irises as the rest of her eyes were black, which created a sense of mystery behind them.
Lorenzo, "The disgraced Royal Guard is here......." King Alexander disappointingly, "Lorenzo......we talked about this." Venessa, "Hey what was that project regarding the Matrix of Eternity about? How would any of you be able to reload it?" King Alexander, "We have the source that originally fueled the Matrix. We were the ones who originally created it." Cross and Tray were shocked to hear such a revelation. Was the king bluffing or legitimately telling the truth? Malissia, "The reason you saw so many other projects scattered was due to these two knuckleheads trying to push these loose ideas my way, knowing full well we had a meeting today." Viciate, "Then Lorenzo and I should be going." Viciate and Lorenzo leave the room as King Alexander and Malissia start speaking with Venessa, Tray, and Cross. Lorenzo and Viciate journeyed far from the castle's boundaries and into the outskirts of the gorgeous city into a dark alleyway where a female was waiting for them. "Have you two finally reached a decision?" Lorenzo, "Yes, we have, Paradox." Paradox in a feminine form smiled while twirling their hair, with a snap of their fingers a contract appeared before Lorenzo and Viciate. "Both of you sign there. Viciate tried to sign with a pen, but Paradox stopped him. Nuh uh uh, in blood!" Viciate pulled a dagger and cut a piece of flesh off him and Lorenzo as they signed the contract that bonded them to Black Hat. See that wasn't so hard. Now I sense you have something to tell me?" Viciate, "The Empress, playboy, and ex-harbinger of darkness are here. They learned of the plans to restore the Matrix of Eternity." A sadistic smile appeared on Paradox's face, "Wonderful! Wonderful! Things could not be better! With your help we can kill those three now and you two will rule this Omniverse as the new kings only in service to Black Hat and the Council. Let them retrieve the remains of the Matrix, and we can either strike before or after they restore the Matrix, then steal it and place it within the treasury with the other dangerous objects that could pose a threat to our reign. Run along now and continue to play your parts like good little errand boys." Paradox gave them a wink. Lorenzo, "Freak! When it comes to your services, we work with you, not for you!" The two then leave as Paradox continues to smile in the shadows.
Back in the war chamber. Venessa, "Impressive. All that you are proposing will greatly benefit us. I can see your offers are sincere, but I must ask, why it took you this long to reveal yourselves?" King Alexander, "That is........simply because of an old law......that had been in effect for thousands of years. I wanted to honor my father and his father, but eventually my consciousness allowed me to overturn that old silly law." Loud footsteps could be running through the halls as a young teenage girl open the doors to the room with pieces of paper in her arms. She began to speak clearly out of breath, "I'm here sister. The documents you wanted." Mallisa, "A few minutes late like usual, Joan." "It's not my fault, military class went on longer than normal! Gosh, how many times do I have to tell you I hate it that mom and dad forced me to become a soldier!" "Everyone, this is my younger sister, Joan. Joan this is Empress Venessa and her two colleagues, Tray and Cross." Everyone exchanged friendly greetings except for Tray who stared at Joan. There was something about Joan that captivated him, it was either the childish way she speaks or the fact she had navy hair like he did. Instead of a handshake, he wrapped both his hands around hers and knelt down, "My fair lady, it is with great honor to meet you. I pray that you will accept my greeting as one of humbleness and may good health and prosperity follow you all the days of your life, my dearest madam." Everyone in the room stared dumbfounded at Tray's speech. Cross, "Where the crap did that come from Shakespeare?" Joan stood there blushing as she stuttered while addressing Tray, "Th....thank y...yo.....you." King Alexander, "Well this meeting is nearing its end, so why don't Tray and Joan spend some time with each other while the rest of us handle the closing logistics?" Mallisa, "WHAT THE?" "Alright it's settled then. Tray and Joan, you two are dismissed."
Joan and Tray stared at each other before she offered Tray some lunch, which he readily agreed to. Alexander turned back to Venessa, "Venessa, if you don't mind, I will like you and your party to stay here the next four days. The first two can be used to handle business regarding our technology and battle tactics as I introduce you to our greatest soldiers, warriors, and fighters. The last two days can be a sort of mini vacation." "Well..........I don't think such an offer will hurt. You have yourself a deal King Alexander!" At lunch Tray and Joan were deep in conversation. Tray, "You look much different than your sister. Your eyes are normal, you are much more cheerful, and just overall livelier." "My sister takes all the stress and responsibilities of the family upon her. That and her role in the kingdom just adds more stress to her. As for her eyes and facial markings, those came when she felt called to the Spring of Restoration." "What now?" "The Spring of Restoration grants those worthy unique properties or powers. Only a select few experience a change from the spring. It is not heavily protected because the spring prevents anyone unworthy from stepping foot in its waters." "Radical." "Mhm!" "So, I heard you fighting with your sister about you hating being trained as a soldier. Why is that?" "It freaking sucks! My parents do not want me to be an astronomer or engineer! They want me to become a Celestial Crusader. On top of that, I don't even get to choose what I want to do or what I want to eat a majority of the time! Eating lunch with you right now is a rare occurrence." "Have you brought your problems to the king?" "Yes, but I don't know if he is hearing my pleas or not. If he's not, I don't blame him, he has a lot on his mind and considering my parents are very influential in terms of politics, if the king makes a brash move, my parents will give him political turmoil." Tray abruptly received a message from Venessa stating their four day stay. He was excited and already made up his mind that he will spend these four days showing Joan the freedom she is missing out on.
The next two days, King Alexander did everything he said he would to Venessa and Cross. Among the strongest warriors and fighters were Ezekiel with his four angelic wings and star saber, Phonix with his ability to control time and fire, Ian with the ability to create things out of metal at will and his large sword in the shape of a key, Vivi with her ability of harnessing animal souls and acquiring their powers and abilities to her disposal, and with several other notable fighters. Yet, the group was slowly stalked by Lorenzo who reported all of their movements to Paradox. The next two days arrived where Venessa and Cross briefly parted ways in order to find some way to relax before returning to base. On the fourth day, Venessa contacted her adoptive mother, Selena, for a special request. She wanted Selena to travel to the Alphaverse with the Matrix of Eternity in order to restore it with wisdom capable of changing the tide of the war. As for Joan and Tray, the two traveled all across the kingdom from going to the beach, kayaking, visiting the aquarium, and art museum. Tray taught Joan how to properly duel and was deeply proud when she complimented him on his elegant sword. Unknown to them Viciate was also reporting their activities to Paradox. On one of their stops, Joan brought Tray to the Spring of Restoration just for them to sight see. Yet, she was startled when Tray stopped responding to her. His eyes were affixed at the spring as he slowly started to step towards it. Joan tried to stop him, but her petite body could not stop him.
Suddenly, he stopped on the edge of the spring and bent down scooping up the water as he started to drink it from his hands. Joan was confused at Tray's behavior, "Are you......alright?" Before Tray could turn around, he collapsed on the ground. "TRAY!" She ran to him, but when she arrived, his eyes opened wildly as his body started to glow with an unearthly light. Tray's body started to transform with his pupils becoming white similar to Mallisa but instead of the other part of his eye becoming black, it became a bright cyan color. His navy hair became white with a few streaks of cyan along with his olive skin changing to being white as quartz. His outfit even started to change around him with his clothes glowing with a clear like cyan substance with a hood gently resting on his hair. Gold embroidered his collar as a unique glowing cyan halo appearing over his head. "Joan.....please tell me I'm not dead." "I uhhhh you mmmmmmm I guess not? Here let me show you what you look like." Joan opened her camera and took a photo of him in order for Tray to see the photo. "Oh my gosh I became even more handsome." "Seriously, that's what you think about after looking like you just died on me!" "Hey, I'm sorry for zoning out on you like that. I just heard a soothing voice calling me from the Spring and I could not help but follow it." "The voice was more than soothing than mine?!" "Well yes...CRAP NO NOT LIKE THAT I SWEAR!" Joan started punching Tray as he let out a hearty laugh. From the shadows Viciate contacted Paradox on what happened and for Paradox to arrive swiftly to exterminate the couple.
The two continued on their walk after having their emotions die down. Yet, there was a sort of tension in the air between the two as one waited for the other to speak first. At last, Tray was the one to break the tension as he stopped Joan and decided to finally reveal to her the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind the past few days. "Joan, I don't know how to say this but, whenever I am around you, I just feel warm inside and what I could only describe as butterflies, erupt in my stomach." Joan blushed deeply before responding, "Oh Tray!" "Joan, if you do not want to enlist in the Celestial Crusaders, you don't have to. I'm offering you a choice. I see how much you care for your older sister and your eagerness for freedom. I encourage you to follow your heart and join me. I promise with every fiber in my being that my family and I will protect you and support you with whatever decision you make." Joan with tears in her eyes. "Oh Tray! Thank you! I want to briefly stay here so I can help my sister with any last assignments and join you on exploring the Megaverse and you taking me back to the Omniverse you call home! Thank you, thank you for being such a wonderful person to me these past four days. Truthfully, I can say I feel the same when I am around you. Your outgoing free-spirited nature is very cute and contagious." Tray extends his hand towards Joan, "Then what are we waiting for? Take my hand and I will show you all the wonderful places in my Omniverse! Obviously after you are done helping your sister of course." He gave her a big comforting smile as he waited for her to wipe the tears of gratitude off her face. However, just before she could place her hand in his, a gunshot went off as a singular bullet went through the right side of Joan's head and exited out of the left. Tray opened his eyes and was horrified at the pool of blood emerging from Joan's body as she lay lifeless on the ground. He was shaken as he heard a sickening laugh. He hastily turned his head to the direction of the laughter.
Tray's eyes widened in confusion as he saw Gadget Bandito emerge from the shadows. "What.....what are you doing here? How did you get here? Why have you done this after being a loyal member of the Initiative for many years?!" "Doesn't matter. Any last words kid?" Tray thought inwardly, "Wait......no......there is no way he is the real Gadget Bandito. The real one does not even know a lot of the Megaverse, much less keep up with any news from the Initiative." He finally spoke out loud. "My powers and senses are telling me you are Gadget Bandito. But my heart, mind, and soul tell me otherwise! WHO ARE YOU?" Paradox finally revealed himself to Tray as he morphed into his mechanical appearance. Tray finally spoke after being at a loss for words, "I know you. I know who you are. No, you are not even a person anymore. You have turned yourself into something unrecognizable. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE CREATURE WHO MURDERED MY FATHER'S PARENTS ON THE NIGHT OF HOLY THURSDAY!" Paradox had a twisted malicious grin on his mechanical face as he spoke, "Aren't you a smart one." Tray began to channel his new powers granted to him from the Spring of Restoration. "I WILL NOT ONLY AVENGE THE DEATH OF DIAMOND'S PARENTS! BUT FOR JOAN WHO YOU SHOT IN COLD BLOOD! DIE YOU BODY MORPHING BASTARD!"
Filled with pure rage, Tray could not control his powers as Paradox merely toyed with him before using Tray's disorientation to his advantage. Paradox was able to overpower the young hero, but briefly underestimated his new power buff when Tray's halo pierced itself into Paradox's chest. This comeback was shortly lived due to the intervention of Viciate who incapacitated Tray and tied him up. Elsewhere, Venessa felt a disturbance in her gut and thus gathered Cross and met with King Alexander to ask where Tray and Joan were at. The King did not know of their location much to the dismay of Venessa, but suddenly in the throne room a thick green mist entered the room which knocked the guards and the heroes unconscious. Lorenzo did his best to pick up the bodies of the heroes and tie them up, "Now we just wait for the Queen of Asteria to arrive and snatch the Matrix from her by ransoming these hostages."
Meanwhile Selena took care of Diamond and would not allow him out of her sight. If he had to leave her house, she would go with him wherever he went, due to the public opinion on him fiercely divided. There were some who believed the attacks were caused by him while others knew that he would never do such a thing and it had to be an imposter. She would fiercely criticize any bystander who booed or tried to assault Diamond. Diamond on the other hand did not like how Selena was being overprotective of him, and her reasoning was that his mental state was not in a good place. Truthfully, it felt like he was on house arrest. One day the two of them took a nap on Selena's couch, when Selena was notified to embark on the mission to Omniverse 7,777,777. She did not have Diamond know what mission it was, but said it was important. "Don't do anything stupid or silly while I'm gone. And do not go on any adventures either! If I find out you left the town, you won't hear the end of it!" "Alright sheesh I got it."
Selena traveled to Sanctuary and entered one of the passwords a few of the elite members possessed in order to gain access to the broken remains of the Matrix of Eternity. She grabbed the pieces and created a portal to the Alphaverse. Once Selena teleported off to her mission, Diamond took advantage of this opportunity and decided to venture into town. He grabbed his Bluetooth earbuds and walked outside to his favorite coffee shop. While walking, he played Have You Ever Seen The Rain, by Creedence Clearwater Revival, one of his father's favorite bands. He could not resist but sing along with the lyrics, "When it's over so they say it'll rain a sunny day, I know, shining down like water. I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? Coming down on a sunny day." During his stroll a handful of protestors spotted him and began to yell, "Murderer! Thief! Crook! Liar!" One such protestor threw a pot of hot water at him, which nearly resulted in Diamond retaliated, but he bore these wrongs patiently and continued on his way. He turned a corner into an alleyway and started to dance and jump in the puddles. On the other side were a set of stairs where he slowly danced his way down each step to the closing parts of the song still singing with raw emotion. "Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh I wanna know have you seen the rain? I wanna know have you ever seen the rain? Coming down on a sunny day."
He turned off his music when he entered the doors of the small shop and waited patiently in line. After he finished placing his order and pulled out his wallet to pay, the cashier whispered to him, "It's on the house. You are still a hero to us who work here." "Are you sure ma'am?" "Yes. It'll be out shortly." He took a seat near a window and started reading the local newspaper in silence. Just then a little boy who was with his parents came to his side and started to speak with him. "Excuse me sir, but are you, Diamond?" Diamond chuckled to himself, "Well there is no use in hiding my identity. Yes, I am." "Can you tell me what it was like during the year I was born?" "Uh, odd request but yeah I can tell you, first I have to ask how old are you?" "I just turned four!" "Well happy birthday! Let's see four years ago was 2016.....wait no it was 2020. Gosh was 2020 four years ago? Man, all these adventures all start flowing together kid. So, around this time an old enemy of mine named......" Diamond abruptly stopped speaking as he felt a disturbance. "Named who, sir?" Diamond stood up and slowly walked to the doors as a giant explosion went off in the center of town. Everyone started screaming, running in all directions from the blast, as Diamond signaled his AI using his nanotech vision glasses. "HONEY what are we looking at? HONEY? Crap I never turned you back on." Diamond hastily had his nanotech grow on his left arm as he turned on the setting to activate HONEY. "I'm back! Are you ok boss, did you do anything brash when I was gone?" "We can catch up later HONEY, right now I need you to prevent traffic from entering this street and alert the local authorities." "Yes sir!"
While all of this was happening on Earth, Selena's portal finally brought her to the Alphaverse. She begins to mutter to herself, "Alright Venessa I'm here. Hopefully we can get this done quickly, because I don't trust Diamond being by himself." Selena was cautious of her surroundings, due to being greeted with an eerie vacant throne room. She suddenly heard a quiet "help me," this prompted her to locate the source of the voice which resulted in her finding Lorenzo lying next to a pillar. "Please help me." "Who did this to you, where are they now, and have you seen a young girl with pink and blue hair go by?" Selena used her powers to silently read the injured person's mind, but before her powers could alert her of it being a trap, she heard another voice which caused her pupils to shrink with fear. "Hello my precious doll." Selena turned to face the new voice and to her horror, she saw Paradox standing behind her, appearing the same way he looked the day before he died. The trauma from the mistreatment and terror she received from him overridden her senses and caused her to stand completely motionless. Behind her Lorenzo leaped and took off his mask expelling a strong toxin into her lungs causing her to faint and drop the pieces of the Matrix. Lorenzo, "Why did you change the plan to capture her instead of bargaining with her?" Paradox, "Because I want the last thing, they see is me holding the reloaded Matrix and handing it over to my masters." Paradox then switched back to his mechanical body and wrapped Selena in thick pairs of chains. He then took her body along with the rest of the heroes to the depths of the castle.
Simultaneously on Earth, Diamond slowly made his way to the source of the blast as he yelled at the pedestrians to head southbound. When he reached the center of the blast three figures emerged. A hulking lizard creature, a humanoid squid, and a tall figure wrapped in black cloth with piercing red goggles. "HEY! THIS TOWN IS CLOSED TO THUGS LIKE YOU TODAY!" The man in black cloth responded back, "We were wishing for a fight with Selena, but facing you is even better!" "I suggest you stand down before I rip a tentacle from your friend Squidward!" "Grok shut his mouth." The hulking creature lifted his axe from his back and started charging at Diamond. Diamond tapped his chest as his nanotech started to form around him as he created several large blasters from his back and fired at Grok. The blasts sent Grok flying backwards to his two other companions, but the man in black simply waved his hand to the right which sent Grok crashing into a local store. Diamond flew towards the humanoid squid and started punching him with unrelenting force that caused the squid to vomit quantities of ink. The man in black teleported behind Diamond and used his mystic powers to gain the upper hand by distorting the reality around them. The squid shaped his head into a spear and tried to pierce Diamond with his poison, but Diamond dodged it and sent him hurdling towards the man in black, breaking the reality illusion. He then had his suit create a sticky net which he shot to capture both the man in black and squid. Grok finally managed to get back up, but upon seeing his comrades captured, he clicked a button on his belt that resulted in him exploding creating a blast deadlier than the first. Diamond noticed there were a few people that were in the blast radius of this second explosion and flew towards them using his strength to hold the falling debris from the tall business building. The debris piled the streets with dust and papers, until the sound of sirens broke the silence. Law enforcement arrested the two other villains while Diamond was barely holding large portions of fallen walls, glass, and stone from crushing him and the civilians under him. The leading officer noticed Diamond struggling in the debris, but decided not to help him, he thought to himself, "Let's see if he can truly save others and be the hero the weak minded believe him to be." The crushing weight began to take a toll on Diamond as he slowly began to lose his footing until he was on his knees holding the debris up.
"I promise.....I will get all of you out alive!" Negative thoughts began to enter his mind as various voices began to call out. "You are not good enough. You couldn't save your own parents; how can you save these unfortunate souls? You are playing a fool's game. See how the law enforcement refuses to acknowledge your existence. Face it your story is over. Finished. You are nothing but a weak boy who thought he could have been a great hero." Diamond tried to block out these voices, but they began to take a toll on him, nearly causing him to give up, but then a quiet voice entered his mind. A voice smooth like honey but strong as thunder echoed in his mind. "You are something more. Look inside yourself, you are something far more than when you started all those years ago as a small-town hero. Do not listen to their empty words, listen to me. Do you renounce sin?" "I do." "Do you renounce the Devil, the sin whisperer, and all his empty promises?" "I do!" "Do you believe in the Faith of your fathers, the Resurrection, and life everlasting?" "I do!" "Arise my child." At that very moment Diamond felt the power of the Light course through him at greater quantities than before as his body began to glow with gold and white light. With a newfound access to the Light, Diamond felt it was only natural to change the wording when harnessing its power, "Through the power of Heaven's Light.......All things are possible!" Diamond effortlessly lifted the debris away from him as the civilians under his care ran to the rest of the crowd. The onlookers stared at Diamond's glowing gold and white body. They were baffled in amazement as a few murmured amongst themselves, "Truly this is the act of a selfless hero."
Diamond did not hear the crowd's cheers, whistles, and praises as he stood deep in contemplation. Deep within his soul, he was able to sense his family was in grave danger. With his connection to the Light restored, he made it his new mission to travel to the Omniverse where he sensed the disturbance. He quietly spoke to himself, "Oh yeah I'm ready to whip the person who is so bent on ruining my life! But first, I have to do it in style. He allowed his suit to create two large speakers; HONEY make sure the volume is on max. Time for us to go back into the Megaverse!"
To Be Continued In The Alphaverse Part 2

FAIR WARNING THIS WILL BE A WALL OF TEXT
Intro: In a series of reviews that will begin (or return) here; we are going to try and take a critical look at the Chuck series, especially the unfolding of the story as scene through the teleplay. In this case we are assuming multiple things about a potential watcher:

• The watcher is new to the series and does not know about future episodes, but there is an expectation any previous episodes have been watched.
• I will try not to point information out that becomes important for later episodes, though there may be times it's important because of how episodes are filmed and how episodes string together, I will however try and hide these behind a spoiler tag. I say this as a person who has watched Chuck dozens of times, so if I inadvertently spoiler, sorry.
• I will do my best to point out interesting references that are hidden within the Chuck universe, but not at the expense of extended expositions unless in-depth analysis is necessary as it relates to the scene.

What is this all for: This started as a project to improve my critical reviewing skills for a hobby of movie script writing and analysis. Chuck happens to have published 3 original scripts and all the text of every episode has been published to a searchable database. This affords an opportunity to break from my movie writing woes and infinite revisions to just have fun enjoying Chuck and trying to deepen my understanding of the intersection of script writing with filmography and visual editing. Having said this, it should be known I have no affiliation to the show, no additional insider knowledge, and I do not write scripts for a living. So, consequently, feel free to ignore everything I say :). I do hope, however, we can go on this journey together and appreciate the excellence that is a love story called Chuck.
So, don't freak out, and lets get started.
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Chuck 01x04 (Chuck vs the Wookiee): TEASER - We open with the gang playing "Know Ya!", which isn't actually a real board game, but based on the game Paddles. It's amazing that Morgan can't stand Ellie/Awesome being in love/winning, but marches triumphantly whenever he gets a question correct. I also like we see, in frame, Chuck watching Sarah pick off olives; he's beginning to notice things just like a real spy. The deep sadness and yet storied confliction on Chuck's face when he discovers Peaches 1 and Peaches 2 was great.
For those who don't know about dogs:

• A cocker spaniel is typically smaller; by ~5inches and up to 30lbs lighter than a springer spaniel.
• Springer spaniels also have shorter fur across their bodies, with feathered hair under their chests and legs.
• Only a cocker spaniel will be solid colored
• Springer spaniels have longer muzzles, while cockers have fluffier ears.

I find it very interesting how Sarah has "spidey sense" about potentially being watched. At no point previously did either Sarah nor Casey display this trait and I'm not totally sure how an open window was enough to do this; I wonder if Sarah's comfort being around Chuck's family is causing her to develop a "feeling of being watched" as she is comfortable with the Bartowski's? For those who missed it, Sarah talks about having a sister I think at the time this was just a throw-away line to protect her cover, but in season 5 Sarah does actually have a little sister if you count the little girl she rescues One last thing about Sarah here, when Bryce is being discussed, I really like how it was played where she acts quiet and shocked, but not saying anything. The facial expressions of Yvonne here are really special and you can tell Sarah lives a life of secrets. This is carried outside when Chuck asks Sarah about her relationship with Bryce. She is totally looking down and to the right, a classic indication of an emotional response searching for rationalization (ie. she is clearly lying)
As they end the game and exit to the courtyard, there teleplay of Chuck does something I've been wanting to see forever; they switch perspective to keep both characters in camera and follow them around from a 3rd perspective. We know this is supposed to indicate they are being watched, but I really enjoy getting to see them together reacting and talking instead of the constant close-ups and cuts. Normally Chuck will be shot with something between a medium close up (MCU) and Medium Shot (MS) to emphasize their characters and highlight their faces and expressions. This works really well because Chuck's cameras are typically either shoulder level or hip level based on the operators moving through their space. In many more modern TV shows, the technology of boom cranes and gyroscopic gimbals allows for content to be show from ground level to overhead giving directors the opportunity to tell their story through a variety of shifting profiles. If Chuck were shot today, we would see everything from full body shots all the way to extreme closeups without the need for continual jump-cuts and re-shoots because the technology is there. At least for this episode, it's nice to see the director explore more hip/knee level motion and more cowboy framed shots when having a distant observer perspective. https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/types-of-camera-shots-sizes-in-film/ does a fantastic breakdown of all the different shot type and camera perspectives for you want to read more!
As we transition into Sarah's hotel room, did anyone pick up on how NICE this is? She has double sinks, a king bed, a sitting mirror, free standing tub, and a great view. I doubt any agency in the "real world" would ever spring for something like this for multiple years for one of their agents, it's fancy! Enter Carina, tell me, who saw Sarah fight with a soap sock and think of iCarly and the famous "butter sock". Also during this fight, why is Sarah wearing a golden bikini? I know she is about to get into the shower, but what plausible reason is there for her to a) wear a bikini at all and b) it to be a bright golden yellow?? If you slow this fight scene way down, you will notice Yvonne's strikes actually come close to hitting Mimi as she has had a lot of training, whereas Mimi's strikes are miles from Yvonne and she just over-acts their impact. The most noticeable is the kick into her table, Sarah goes flying back, but we can tell from the angle, Carina missed her by a good 2 ft. This was just some sloppy editing and not getting the camera into position. I give it a pass because you have probably 3 camera operators wearing stabilized camera rigs trying to rotate around a room with 2 girls fighting and they just missed the angle by like 2 feet. I did really like at the end of the fight Carina had the option to go for the gun but instead went for the fish. If you didn't know they were not enemies before, this should have been a big clue! Carina calls Sarah's life in LA boring #1
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ACT I
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Carina aka: Maria Elena Argalberdi was born Jun 16, 1978 in Alberdi Argentina with a Buenos Aires passport. Maria Elena is actually the name of a famous song in Mexico and eventually had a movie. This Chuck learns on Flash #1 and is the precursor to meeting the general for the first time. I know I've mentioned this before, but to reiterate; the pictures in Casey's apartment are all wrong; he has photos of Chuck and Morgan that don't happen until season 5 (lost footage) he has a map of Echo Park and Malibu already on display, and he has tactical information for each member of the Buy More (which he has no reason for at this time). It is interesting they talk about an opium cartel in Afghanistan as Afghanistan is known for it's huge poppy fields for heroin drug money.
The NADAN-I-NOOR diamond:

• The Nadan-I-Noor diamond has never been known to be bought or sold and ha only changed owners as a result of theft, conquest, or endowment
• It's listed as having 57 facets + 16 facets on girdle = 73. A facet is comparable with the brilliance of a diamond and is really the flat surfaces of a gemstone arranged in a geometrical pattern. In this case it helps characterize the refraction of light through the diamond interior. The girdle i the outer edge of a diamond surface, having 16 faces is quite large, as the girdle is the largest section of a gem, but also the thinnest when viewed from the side. In this case, having 73 facets puts the Nadan-I-Noor in either the Princess-Cut Diamond or Radiant Cut Diamond category, which are also the most expensive as they have the most possible facets.
• having 4-fold, mirror-image symmetry refers to how the light reflects internally to the diamond and indicates there are no impurities within the crystalline structure.
• interestingly a purity rating is not given, i would expect something like a F or IF (flawless/internally flawless) for a diamond described like this, but one isn't provided.
• the angles of incidence just describe the best way for light to enterefract from the diamond, these numbers are fake, but the metric is real
• there is a lot of sanscript written around the diamond markings, I can't figure out what if anything it means it looks like repeated nonsense
• could be a nod to the Koh-i-noor or "mountain of light" diamond, although this one in Persian is the "fool of light".

We open back to see Carina and Sarah looking at classified files within the restaurant. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW, you do not look at classified files out in the open and especially not where there are clearly other customers around. Venturing into the BuyMore, there is a monster truck rally on the TV's showing grave digger and reaper, two famous trucks from this time period. Morgan wants to spread his wings and be the fourth wheel to the perpetual 3 wheel party and Sarah, ever the schemer, literally glows when she thinks of the plan to have Carina go on a date with Morgan. I THINK this was just to help maintain their cover, but also maybe Sarah is just needling Carina? If you look in the back of the store when Chuck is talking to Sarah and Carina, there is a really cool Nerd Herd poster that says "Bringing peace to your computer emergency". "if a yawn could yawn" is Carina calling Sarah's job boring #2. One thing I really like with the double data is the way the camera jumps between the couples: boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl. I think they way they try and keep private conversations via screen time is a really nice, typical, teleplay trick that really works well here. In a "real" environment, everyone could hear everything, but by splitting the camera focus or playing with perspective, the viewer clearly knows "this is a conversation between girls the boys don't hear it". We see Chuck noticing Sarah picking off olives #2 while they watch a movie about penguins: who mate for life, present their love in the form of rocks, and are pack animals. In Chuck's bedroom as he talks to Morgan, Chuck has a box of King Edward Invincible underneath bongos; for those who don't know this is a famous box for mild tobacco cigars. So I wonder what Chuck is up to in his free time :P.
On the Nerd Herd call with Carina, she opens a bottle of wine with a butter knife. This is actually a pretty famous thing that is done all over the world with everything from a key to a saber. In fact they make a specially type of knife with an extra wide blade for this it Italy. I do want to ask the question; is Carina dressed in red lingerie (Chuck's favorite color she stole from Sarah) really necessary for this scene? I know that Carina is all about improvising and she often uses her sexuality to progress her cause (Casey), but I think we could have gotten away with just the top. I can certainly see the rationalization for going this far, but I think as an artistic choice it wasn't necessary. What IS necessary however is to talk about how Chuck's world implodes when Carina tells him about Sarah and Bryce. Also the perfect act transition ending right at Chuck's jaw dropping and the work boyfriend!
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ACT II
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I'll say it again, the back an forth with Chuck and Sarah should have been a medium close up, shoulder level straight on shot instead of the constant cuts. Seeing their reaction in real time would have been easier and it would have allowed the Weinerlicious to be maybe 15 ft smaller to not need so many cameramen rotating. "Unless talking to your boyfriend is a matter of national security, the ketchup bottles won't refill themselves". Why yes it IS a mater of national security for Sarah to talk to Chuck... also if any one of us stood up to our boss like Sarah did, I'm pretty sure we'd be fired on the spot!
Malibu is ~2hours for Echo Park with standard LA traffic. Seriously, how do girls in high heels walk down stairs; we see Carina and Sarah walking sideways so there is enough space on each step to fit their shoes. Girls, how do you do that and not fall especially with narrow staircases and 3-6inch heels! Inside the room with the stone there is a bust of Cesare, archenemies, da vinci, and biblical David. There is also some famous paintings the best of which is Vemieer's "young girl with a pearl earring" which is rather appropriate considering it's meaning. There is also a Van Gogh of man in a wheat field and a Monet in one shot too. If ANY of these paintings were real instead of reproductions, they would be worth millions, in fact the young girl with a pearl is estimated at 40million, which is 1.5x the sell value of the Nadan-I-Noor! If we take a look at the engineering drawing of Flash #2 on the pedestal, we would see this design creates a closed circuit around the tongs the diamond rests on; which might explain it's red hue. If a person were to touch the diamond, it would close the circuit on their body allowing the 4000volts to travel through their heart. A person can die with ~20volts, though it's usually more like 50 in most occurrences. 4000volts is enough to kill a herd of elephants and completely overkill for a person. Also the amount of power that would take is more than the city of Malibu... this is to say the trap is real, the numbers are complete nonsense; thinking lightning! Nice shot by Sarah with the plate (there are some great bloopers on this too where she misses badly)! A remote controlled jet ski... i'm not even going to calculate the nonsense for this; it's just total nonsense. Almost as much nonsense as Casey using his phone to track Carina's call. That would take minutes, even with today's technology to back trace like that and way more power than just pushing a button on a razer flip-phone from the 90's!
back at the house, Chuck i playing halo with the legendary skulls as his weapon; this is nice because in the BuyMore at the end of the episode there are dudes dressed as master chief! I really like the changing perspective here with Chuck and Morgan. Chuck's reactions remain in focus while Morgan tells a story behind him, then it switches as Chuck starts to move around until bringing both into focus for the final line "we still have each other and that's really sad". The side cut to Sarah picking locks to the hotel door is classic early 2000's TV and i'm all for it, even if it is super cheezy. BTW as someone who used to lock pick in college, that's .... not how that works, but good try. We get our Flash #3 on the diamond in Morgan's back nuclear explosions. I wonder if the refractive capability of a diamond this pure is enough to focus laser to induce fission or if the value of selling the diamond is enough to buy nuclear material on the black market? Either way, we end the act with... the man with the golden gun!
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ACT III
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Chuck uses Sarah's plate move against Carina, nice inter-episode call back; he's clearly watching/learning, but his aim is terrible. This was actually clever as Sarah has perfect aim for she is a professional, while Chuck is still definitely a civilian and has no aptitude for fighting. I really like both these types of simple call backs but also how seemingly throw-away lines/actions help tell the broad story of the show. Chuck talking to Carina also shows Chuck has this weird, innate aptitude to get people to re-evaluate themselves and grow internally. You can watch Carina "grow in real-time. When we get to the hotel and Carina opens her trunk first there are a few glocks, a couple rugers, and a 1911; then she switches to blades and we see some folders, some strait blades, an illegal gravity blade (still illegal today), and a kbar... nice selection! Carina, always the flirt, gives Chuck some very insightful works about the nature of being a spy, but also maybe some way to get through to Sarah.
Inside the hotel we see Carina and Sarah speaking; Carina is speaking Swedish, while Sarah replies in Polish. "Om jag slänger nycklarna till dig, kommer du tappa dem då?" which is Swedish for "If I throw you the keys, will you drop them?" Sarah answered in Polish: "Tylko jak rzucisz jak twoja mamusia", which means "Only if you throw it like your mommy". This is just great!
I want to talk about how fast Chuck managed to find an address for DC, print a label, open a box, put the label on, and get the diamond there all before the door gets broken. Somehow on screen time this is like 10seconds, but in real life this would have to be like 3minutes minimum? Either that door is remarkably strong or... TV magic??
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ACT IV
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Even with all the flirting, as we say goodbye to Carina >! for now !< she is still joking with Casey and every the professional. I like how they show when it's "game time" it's all about the job, but spys can be people too! Carina still calls Sarah's life boring #3 (the common trifecta of episode repeats).
Sarah's face when Chuck brings the pizza with no olives is the reason I think Yvonne makes the perfect Sarah. She exudes the hidden beauty needed and has the acting to so such emotion for Chuck being sweet. The whole scene with Chuck and Sarah asking questions, then Chuck backing off, then Sarah acting stoic like she WANTS to open up but doesn't know if she can really trust Chuck, is ready to move on from Bryce, and should for the nature of her job. This was probably the most well acted 20seconds of the entire episode. Finally, we hear Sarah's middle name is Lisa. Now we never officially know if Chuck hears this or not both due to camera focus and distance, it's never officially confirmed in the entire show. When the intersect is updated in season 4 we see Sarah's picture and it lists Lisa as a middle name, so we assume it's official, but it's never confirmed at any point. Finally, I really like how they end the episode with Sarah closing her eyes as the fade to black.
​
Few notes: There are 5 official songs in this episode:

• "Yea Yeah" by Matt and Kim - when the gang is playing board games during group date night. This song is about not worrying about the things you cannot change. Little things that build up and bum you out that you need to just let go.
• "Wild Girl" Matt Pond PA - Chuck and Morgan discussing their relationship problems. This song is about overcoming past struggles and finding hope in the present and future. Describing a sense of resilience and optimism
• "weird science" by does it offend you - Chuck and Carina talk at Peyman' Malibu Compound. This is a remind to break free and embrace individuality and live on your own terms. Be unapologetically ourselves.
• Shy by Mathew Dear - the double date
• "Fall into place" the apartment - the team say's goodby to Carina. Deals with growing up, taking (or not taking) chances. finding oneself in the unpredictability of life. I have to say, we don't actually hear the lyrics to any of these songs during the episode just the melody, but I don't really appreciate the music choices here. I feel like there were better options at key points, so that's a miss from me.
  
• On the DVD for Season One the word Wookiee is spelled incorrectly, leaving off the last E.
  
• "It used to be titled "Chuck Versus the Speedo" because the main bad guy in this show is this dude who wears a Speedo all the time. Then when the casting guy realized he had a good amount -- and by good, I mean healthy, a healthy amount of body hair -- they thought, why not call it "Chuck vs. the Wookiee". So it's this guy who's got this diamond, and we're trying to heist the diamond and all hell breaks loose." ―Zachary Levi quoted by Access Hollywood discussing this episode's title
  

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I think this was a great episode and really showcased what they can do when additional cast members join the team and when they are not afraid to play with perspective. Mimi as Carina is a great addition to the ensemble and I wish we saw her more, but every time she drops in, it's always a wild episode and it's fantastic. Watching Chuck learn about Sarah and seeing Sarah start to open up is a good way forward and heck Casey had some of the best humor in the episode. Overall, it was fast paced, had some nice character development, as funny in the best way, and moved the main theme along, 8/10.

Hi all, I want to preface with the fact that I know my decisions were dumb as hell, but just trying to reverse any damage I may have caused.
Back in February, I was put on 250mg of Test E weekly. I continued this for 3 weeks, and around the two week mark I noticed excessive hair shedding, so I decided that maybe the sides of TRT outweighed the benefits, as my hair is something that means a lot to me. My hair started out as just shedding, but has now progressed to itching and still shedding. The sheds slowing down, but still ongoing and stressing me tf out. I’m losing hair from all over, including my sides and back of my hair with some noticeable thinning around my crown, but I feel as if this might just be from the way my hair parts.
Ive heard that Telogen Effluvium can be caused from the fluctuations in hormones, but I’ve recently done bloodwork and it seems like my hormones are at such a low/balanced level that it (probably) wouldn’t be the DHT causing loss.
Any advice for me? I have Finasteride on hand but i’m cautious to take it if this shed could just be me recovering from fluctuations. What do yall suggest?

TLDR: Passed with 70 points on first try. I'm happier about passing on the first try than about passing at all, because that means I won't have to endure this again.
Background:
I have about 6 years of experience as a Security Engineer in IR teams, but I have never done any penetration tests. Never heard of winpeas, linpeas, etc. Barely heard of mimikatz and bloodhound because they would come up once in a while when responding to alerts or when engaging against red teams. Also, half of those 6 years were in the military where I hardly ever got to do the job. Im sure some of you can relate.
Why OSCP:
TL;DR: vanity.
Every year or so, I feel an itch to get a new cert that's harder than the previous one. The progression went from CompTIA certs to SANS certs in forensics and malware reverse engineering which landed me in pretty demanding jobs. Recently, I took a step back to take a less demanding job, but with that, came a compulsive itch to tickle my brain with something demanding. I'd heard of OSCP, and the horrors. Purely out of vanity, I figured there's no better way to feel good about myself than to get this cert. I had no incentive to get a new job, or to get promoted or to make more money or anything like that because I am already in highly overpaid role.
How I did it:
TLDR: 4 months of prep. 1.5 month for PEN200, then 2.5 months of labs.
At the end of December, I signed up for LearnOne. The discount didn't matter to me because my employer paid for it, but it definitely helped. Starting in January, I skimmed over the PEN-100 modules to familiarize myself with Kali Linux, and then started PEN-200 full speed. With a wife, toddler and a newborn, it wasn't easy to make time to study at home, but I went through the modules as often as I could at work. I completed the course in about a month and a half. It was like drinking from a firehose. Never had I ever felt so overwhelmed by so much new and exciting knowledge at such a pace. Really enjoyed the learning process.
After PEN200, I dove right into the challenge labs. I was very quickly humbled by Medtech when I spent an entire week trying to figure out how to get an initial foothold. That's when I had to take a step back, go through Portswigger, and then try again. Overall, Medtech took me at least 2 weeks. Followed by another week for Relia. Did a couple PG practice boxes, and then dove straight into OSCP A B and C so could get the 10 bonus points. I think the practice tests were easier because they were smaller AD sets, but some of the standalones were absolutely brutal. Before I moved on to more PG boxes, I took a few weeks off from studying as I realized that I was spending way too little time with family, and way too much time at the desk.
My next prep work as PG boxes. I think I did about 25 PG boxes total, mostly windows. I didn't watch any Ippsec walkthroughs, but I did follow TJ Null's list for PG boxes.
I also read the HTB Academy's Active Directory course, which I think is absolutely excellent. I didn't complete it, but I studied and took notes on the portions that I found relevant. I basically entirely replaced my PEN200 AD notes with the HTB Academy's AD notes because HTB material was so much better.
Walkthroughs: I really really enjoyed S1REN!'s PG practice boxes walkthroughs. Highly recommend.
I have no opinions about Ippsec because I didn't watch his videos because I wanted to focus as much as possible on Offsec material, and I considered HTB boxes as more of a "distraction" of sorts from the Offsec way of doing things. Don't trust my opinion blindly though, since there are so many people out there who love IppSec for good reasons. If you're tight on time, I'd skip Ippsec. HOWEVER, I highly recommend you to bookmark his website ippsec.rocks where you can keyword-search for walkthrough. This is incredibly helpful and I am very grateful to Ippsec for doing this.
Tib3rius: Cough up the $30 or so and purchase the Windows/Linux privesc bundle by Tib3rius. It's not better than PEN200's material by a whole lot, but it's still better.
My exam experience:
I knew this would not be easy, but it was much harder than I imagined. This was because against by best judgement, [1] I started later in the day, and [2] I didn't take as many breaks as I should have and [3] I forgot it KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Up until the 12 hours, I had 0 points. I finally made progress only after I backed off from the complex approaches and tried something ridiculously simple. After initial foothold, it was super easy. Same with my next standalone. After initial foothold, it was super easy. Couldn't crack into the other 2 standalones because I was just too exhausted from beating my head against the keyboard for 12 hrs. Had I taken a step back and got some rest, perhaps I would've been in a better mental state to tackle all the boxes.
Tips for preparing:

• Get the 10 bonus points. I wouldn't have passed if I hadn't.
• For SQLi, do Portswigger modules first before doing the PEN200 modules. Portswigger has interactive exercises that solidify your SQLi knowledge before you can put it into practice. Don't bother with the Blind SQLi portions (except for what you need to do to get your 80% completion)
• Don't waste time by being stuck. Don't tRy hARdER when all you're doing is beating your head against the keyboard and burning yourself out. Look for solutions. The goal is to learn, and the time you spend pulling your hair out is better spent on adding more knowledge to your arsenal.
• Do the PG boxes, but again lean on walkthroughs as needed. Out of the 20+ boxes I did, I think I pwned only 2-3 boxes on my own.
• If you are not on a time crunch, give yourself the time to learn from HTB Academy, TCM, etc before jumping into PEN200. If I had known any better, that's what i would've done. If you are like me and are willing to take on a challenge at the cost of family life and Work life balance, go ahead and throw yourself into the fire. Otherwise, I'd recommend taking a softer and longer ramp up approach.
• Take notes but don't bother wasting time on learning how to write reports. As long as you take screenshots, you'll be able to slap together a report on exam day. Way too many people overcomplicate report writing. Use the OffSec template. It's ugly, but 70 points is 70 points.

Tips for exam:

• Keep it simple. If you find yourself pulling your hair out trying to figure out how to exploit a machine, you're likely going down the wrong path. The vectors of exploit are very simple, but only slightly out of reach. Perhaps you under-enumerated. Or maybe you went straight to trying complex solutions without trying the easy solutions that were right under your nose the whole time.
• Start early even if you're not a morning person. I started at midday, which was a mistake.
• If you get stuck for too long, go for a drive or just step away.
• Do everything twice. On the first go, just do the hacking and don't worry about the notes too much. After you've got enough points, revert the machines, then go back through your steps, taking VERY thorough notes and screenshots.

Good luck, all!

Dear alexei I’m sorry the tsar is your father, let me be honest
It take a man to be a man, your dad is not responsive
I look at him and wish the khan would’ve wore a condom
I'm sorry that you gotta grow up and then stand behind him
Life is hard, I know, history is always gon' beat it’s tune
Sometimes our parents make mistakes that affect us until we grown
And you're a good kid that need good leadership Let me be your mentor since your daddy don't teach you shit
Never exploit your fellow man son
Either you join the movement or meet the dustbin son
Never fall into the semi feudal business, that's bad ideology
Please remember, you could be a bitch even if you got bitches
Never hide your aims, whether bourg or prol, you your own man
Even if it don't benefit your self, do some push-ups, get some discipline
Don't suppress people like your daddy did, fuck what Tzarism did
Don't pay to play with them Cossack’s get a gym membership
Understand, no throwin' bombs and hidin' hands, that's adventurism
Don't be ashamed 'bout who you with, that's bourgeoisie family shit
Don't have a kid to make an heir to rule again, be sure Five percent will exploit, but 95 are prols
Be different than your father, your strength come from within
Lotta stars that progressive but your daddy ain't one of them And you nothing like him, you'll carry yourself comrade
Can't understand me right now? Just play this when you 18
Dear, Maria Your son got some habits, I hope you don't undermine them
Especially with all the prols that's hurt inside this climate
You a woman, so you know how it feels to be alienated
You complicit, hopin' the world can stay the same and plebs stay blinded
Dear Alexander you gave birth to a master manipulator
Even using you to prove who he is, is a huge favor I think you should be killed as well, and your father and his father, and his father
I'm blaming you for all his religious fixations
Psychopath intuition, the man that like to play victim
You raised a horrible fucking person, the nerve of you, Alexander
Maria, sit down, what I'm about to say is heavy, now listen
Mm-mm, your son's a sick man with sick thoughts, I think tyrants like him should die
Him and Weinstein should get fucked up in a cell for the rest they life
He hates prols, peasants, terrorizes'em with iron boot and secret police
Grew facial hair because he understood bein' a beard just fit him better
He got sex offenders on Okhrana that he keep on a monthly allowance
A child should never be compromised and he keepin' his kids around them
And we gotta raise our children knowin' there's predators like him lurkin'
Fuck a rap battle, he should die so all of these people can live with a purpose
I been in this industry 28 years, I'ma tell y'all one lil' secret
It's some weird shit goin' on and some of these bourgeois be here to police it
They be streamlinin' victims all inside of they home and callin' 'em tender
Then pass reform on themselves to further push their agendas
To any worker that be loyal to his state, know that you're playin' your own class
Or better, you're sellin' your kids to the weirdos, not the good ones
Mr. Karl Marx said, "Get you the truth, " so I'ma get mines
Winter Palace 'bout to get raided, too, it's only a matter of time
Ayy, Workers, keep the family away, hey, Prols, keep the family away
To anybody that embody with love for they kids, keep the family away
They lookin' at you too if you standin' by him, keep the family away
I'm lookin' to shoot through any tyrant that lives, keep the family safe
Dear, Anastasia I'm sorry that your father not active inside your world
He don't commit to much but his rule, yeah, that's for sure
He a narcissist, misogynist, livin' inside his laws Try’n destroy families rather than takin' care of his own
Should be teachin' you timetables or watchin' operas with you
Or at your sixteenth birthday singin' poems with you
Instead, he at the front gettin' prols killed and downing' vodka, examples that you don't deserve
I wanna tell you that you're loved, you're brave, you're kind
You got a gift to change the world, and could change your father's mind
'Cause our children is the future, but he lives inside confusion
Money's always been illusion, but that's the life he's used to
His father prolly didn't claim him neither History do repeats itself, first as a tragedy then as a farce
But I would like to say it's not your fault that he's killing' other kids
Give him grace, this the reason I wrote “What is to be Done” So our babies like you can cope later
Give you some confidence to go through somethin', it's hope later
I never wanna hear you chase a buck 'cause his failed behavior
Sittin' in the factory with capitalists for validation You need to know that class should be abolished the state ended
I'll tell you who your father is, just play this song when it rains
Yes, he's a, exploiter, prol killer, mega tyrant, right And a fuckin' deadbeat that should never say "more life"
Meet the Grahams
Dear, Nicholas I know you probably thinkin' I wanted to crash your party
But truthfully, It’s the forces of history, that’s moving my body
This supposed to be a good development within the game
But you fucked up the moment you resisted the real movements aims.
Why you had to stoop so low to oppress some decent people?
Guess intelligence is lost when the theory doesn't reach you
And I like to understand 'cause your house was never a home
49, but you showin' up as a seven-year-old You got gamblin' problems, drinkin' problems, pill-poppin' and spendin' problems
Bad with money, cuckhold
Solicitin' capital problems, therapy's a lovely start But I suggest some ayahuasca, strip the ego from the bottom
I try to empathize with you 'cause I know that you ain't been through nothin'
Crave entitlement, but wanna be liked so bad that it's puzzlin'
No dominance, let's recap moments when you didn't fit in
No secret handshakes with your friend No cultural cachet to binge, just disrespectin' your mother
Identity's on the fence, don't know which family will love ya
The skin that you livin' in is compromised in personas
Can't channel your masculine even when standin' next to a woman
You an autocrat, you gon' suppress the workers and peasants, ain't ya?
You embarrassed of 'em, that's not right, that ain't how mama raised us
Take that mask off, I wanna see what's under that incompetence
Why believe you? You never gave us nothin' to believe in
'Cause you lied about religious views, you lied about the war effort
You lied about your accent and your past tense, all is perjury
You lied about the duma and reforms, you lied about your government
They all pussy, you lied on 'em, I know they all got you in 'em
You lied about your son, you lied about your daughter, huh
You lied to them other kids that's out there hopin' their dads come home
You lied about the only comrade that can offer you some help
Fuck a rap battle, this a long life battle with yourself

Hello ladies. I hope you're doing well.
I've posted a few times about the ongoing issue with my husband who is a PA. I don't make a lot of posts but I do comment around here.
I've been in therapy, with a non-csat and it's ok. I feel grounded with that but not making any improvements or breakthrough. I think I'm gonna quit and try to find a CSAT.
Update about the PA. He was laid off at work for 2 weeks and stopped going to the CSAT. He's been back in work about 6 weeks, and hasn't scheduled anything with her now that he's got an income again. He told me when he was laid off that he would resume sessions with his CSAT once he was back in work. He's also gotten a raise at work.
I guess to his minimal credit, he found an in person meeting and goes to 1 meeting a week that is 2 hours long since he stopped with his CSAT.
We went to discernment counseling with a therapist who works at his CSATs practice. Discernment counseling is a counselor guided process where over 4-6 sessions they help you decide to get a divorce, commit to couples therapy,or maintain the status quo. It's more nuanced that that but that's the gist of it.
We went and discussed it. It was a male counselor and he didn't say anything to invalidate that porn can be addictive. However, during the session, several times he brought up couples counseling, and I clarified everytl time that we were here for discernment counseling. At the end, we basically left off at he and I need to go home and discuss it and schedule something whether it be moving forward with discernment counseling or couples therapy.
I didn't really like that and I am annoyed because I specifically discussed what I wanted with the intake lady, we discussed in depth the process and steps to discernment counseling and then we get there with the male therapist and he kept guiding the discussion to couples counseling.
I don't know. If he thinks that DC isn't good for us and we should do couples counseling, I think he should just outright say that if that is the case. It was very confusing amd left me feeling weird.
So anyway, we never talked about what we should do because I've dropped the rope on leading talks with him. I told him months ago when he started with his CSAT what I needed and one of those things were weekly check-ins scheduled, initiated, and led by him. I am a leader at work and under a lot of stress and pressure, I do not want to be the leader of this, nor do I feel I should be; I feel he needs to be scheduling with me and he should be creating an agenda or talking points. We've not had a single check in and it's been approx.8-9 months now. And I've provided him with information on how to have a check in and the types of things to discuss.
I keep seeing people say what it looks like when someone is in recovery and that they have shame resilience and empathy. I've not seen either. In the very beginning with the CSAT he was more open about acknowledging the pain he has caused and apologizing. It was minimal, but I saw it for a few weeks and it felt like a glimmer of hope.
He cannot talk to me in person. He can't. I don't know why, it's always been this way. We could have a disagreement and agree to table it until later and then when later comes and we're in bed, we both sit there in silence and awkwardness until he outlasts me and I fall asleep. Conversation successfully avoided on his part.
Again, I don't feel like these are conversations I should have to initiate. When I need to, I do. But all things related to this porn addiction need to be led by him,and he's not leading or even taking this seriously.
What I'm feeling like, now that we're nearly a year into a "serious" crack down on my part with the insistence of a CSAT and recovery, to which he agreed that he is addicted and does need help because even if I leave him, he will likely have another relationship in the future and he doesn't want to lose this one or have a PA impact this future any longer.
Big talk, he's wanting recovery yeah! rah rah...6 months later in a small spat he says, well I only went to the CSAT so you wouldn't leave.
And the truth comes out. You said you wanted this for you, for our family,for our relationship, and not you're forgetting your lie.
So over the past 3 to 5 months. I've dropped the rope. I don't even remember what happened but I put him out of the bedroom on the couch. He slept there for about 2 months. We were working to clean up my office and the spare room that is storage so we could separate in the home andove my office down stairs and he take my old office. After 2 months I noticed the physical impact this was having on his body. Back pains, neck pains, all sorts of pain and hobbling, and I do not think he was crying wolf. He works construction and it's hard physically demanding work. So I let him come back to the bed.
Not much progress has been made on the room cleaning and moving situation.
Now for the most recent fuckery from my brain that's got me all messed up....
We scheduled a trip to Vegas in Feb for a show at Sphere with a band I love and introduced to him. In late March I told him I didn't want him to go and I will find someone to buy his half of the trip out. (It's not just tickets,there's a hotel room, and a VIP experience). I found someone,the committed, had some personal house issues (new ac) and are unable to go. I let him know and because things havent been awful between us, I told him he is welcome to come or I'll try to find someone else. He wanted to go, I admittedly was nervous being in Vegas alone so I was comforted by him coming, despite what goes on there. We've been geeking out about it and finding activities to do while there.
I want to go to the pool, a bathing suit has been on my mind for weeks. I got one recently and it was too small and fit really badly and really made me feel bad about myself. Last night I was looking at full body rash guards, like imagine a wet suit for a diver...a full body bathing suit because I don't want to show my body at the pool. I mentioned going to look for a bathing suit today. I woke up and just didn't want to go because I am fat and disgusting. There's no bathing suit that's going to fix whatever this is.
I used to be so confident and at least acceptedy body. I'm not super fat but am not skinny. I'm thick. I have red hair half way down my ass that I sit on when I sit down. I have tattoos and tasteful piercings. There was a time that I was like "fuck yeah I look good" now I just feel like 50 pounds of shit stuffed into a 5 pound bag.
So as we were sitting here in bed I closed my eyes and started tearing up and just trying to breathe through it and not cry. I don't know if he noticed this but after about 3 minutes of sitting with my eyes closed and little tears running down my face, he gets up and is like I'm gonna take the kid to pickup his bike from the shop and leaves. I'm a blanket burrito at this point and just crying while they're gone.
Forgot his card, texts me that he's coming home. Comes home and gets it and asks if he can get me anything while hes out. Through tears I ask if he can get me any self esteem and he replies "it's just like that million dollars, I can't buy that" and leaves.
So, lately, I have been thinking about getting my brows shaded/microbladed because I have fair skin, red hair, which means my eyebrows and body hair are cleawhite blonde. I've always looked like I have no eyebrows even though I do.
So I called a place and went and got some semi-permanent brows put on my face this afternoon.
Maybe this will make me feel better if my face looks "normal" by having eyebrows.
I am continuing to leave the rope on the floor, I won't be picking it up. He needs to pick it up and hand it to me. Our lease is prohibitively expensive to break, so I'm going to ride it out and work on me.
I've paid all of the bills and carried us for years, including our 2500 a month rent with my job. He's now making more than me, once again. He, as a single person,should have no issue paying for his own bills, life, etc. meanwhile he's nickle and diming himself (and our family by extension) with gas station energy drinks and food, and mobile games in the Google Play Store.
If you've made it this far thanks for reading. I appreciate it and any advice, commiseration, and love you may have to send. Sorry you're here.

It took her into the next day, but she did come up with a plan. She was arguably one of the more brilliant minds on the ship, yet her hours of toiling yielded a conflicting result. Captain Tarkey paced back and forth, watching the note she had written on the island.
“I didn't go too far…did I? No, it's not that bad. It's not like it's a real threat,” Captain Tarkey said to herself. “He won't even know I wrote it. It is harmless.”
She picked up the note to reread what she wrote out loud.
Captain Tarkey,
You will pay for your treachery. Blood for blood, on the land of your ancestors, I will have my revenge.
Sincerely,
Your Doombringer
She looked over it again, examining it closely to ensure no stroke of her pen resembled her actual handwriting, rather than questioning the strangely polite and formal letter. There were better ways to make a threatening letter for the intent of getting Cam to accompany her planetside. In fact, there were better ways to simply get Cam to accompany her at all. None of those were deemed realistic to her overworked brain, so this is what she came up with. A fake assassination threat seemed like a logical choice with minimal downside.
“Why do I still have a bad feeling about this?” Captain Tarkey mused to herself and the door slid open. She threw her hands behind her back and stood up straight. The sudden interruption flustered her all the more when she realized it was Cam entering her place.
“Sorry I'm late,” Cam said. “I ran into Jack in the hallway.”
“Oh, it's alright. How are you feeling? When I found you sleeping on my couch, I was worried.”
That wasn't a dream? Shit. “I promise, that isn't normally like me.”
“You don't need to worry. I had no idea Parroon made humans sleepy. Vani told me when I called her to check on you.”
“Oh, that's good to know then.” His shoulders relaxed, relieved he hadn't developed narcolepsy. “Next time I want to knock myself out, I need to raid your refrigerator.”
“You're welcome anytime.” Captain Tarkey smiled, remembering the note still behind her back. “So, what were you and Jack talking about?”
“Just plans for when we get to Ohar. Jack can't leave until the second day after we hit orbit, but I see no reason to wait around for him. Just wish I knew what to do for a whole day.”
This was her moment. There would be no better time. She stowed the note in her waistband and took the shot she never thought would happen.
“Seeing as you're free, I was wondering if you would like to join me for the day? I'm visiting my parents and I'm sure they would love to meet you. They love hosting guests.”
Cam’s face elongated with intrigue. He wanted to see how locals lived and they would probably offer a place to stay for the night, which gave him more money to spend on silly souvenirs later. It sounded like a great idea, but he wanted to be careful not to impose.
“Would they mind on such short notice? I don't want to intrude or anything.”
“You won't be. You are my guest.”
“Okay then.” Cam nodded. “Is there anything I should be aware of, culturally? Like am I supposed to bring a gift or…”
“Nope. No gifts. The only thing I would say is don't wear your uniform. My mom thinks it makes our family seem more normal.”
Cam saluted her casually. “Can do. Wasn't planning on wearing it anyways.”
“Perfect,” Captain Tarkey said. “I have a lot to get done before we are cleared to land, so you can take the day off today.”
“Seriously? You don't mind?”
“Not at all. It will give you more time to plan the rest of your leave. Seeing as it's your first time, you will want to make it count.”
“Thanks, Banyani! I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“See you soon.” Captain Tarkey called back as Cam left. As per usual, once the door closed, she let out her true emotions. She punched the air and danced around her room. “Yes! He said yes!” He’s going to meet my family!”
Captain Tarkey pulled the letter out of her waistband, wadded it up into a ball, and drained the shot into the trashcan. The plan she spent hours on was nothing more than history. She was happy to rid herself of it. In hindsight, she knew the letter would only cause more problems than solutions long term. With it out of the way, she was free to relax and tell her parents the good news.
She went into her room and came back out with a slate, which she propped up on the island. Navigating through the contacts, she clicked on the one labeled ‘Home.’ The loading screen spun and a fun jingle played. Captain Tarkey was all smiles when the screen changed to her mom showing up on the screen.
Her mother, Gwendolyn, would pass as an older sister in the right light. Her cheeks were a tad plumper and her braid was thicker than both of her daughters’. Gwendolyn’s blue eyes sparkled upon seeing her daughter for the first time in far too long.
“Banyani, my beautiful girl, I was wondering when you were going to call. It is good to see you.”
“It is good to see you too, Mom.”
“Kenny, come over here. Banyani is calling,” Gwendolyn said to her husband, Kenton, in the other room before returning her focus back on her daughter. “How are you? When are you coming home?”
“I'm going to be there soon,” Captain Tarkey said, spotting her dad coming into frame. There was no mistaking his trim, salt and pepper beard or proud smile. She always felt his warmth radiate from a simple look, no matter how far away she was. “Hey Dad.”
“There's my little captain. You working hard up there?”
Gwendolyn slapped her husband's hand that rested gently on her shoulders. “Oh stop it. No talking about work you two. I haven't heard from you in ages. What is new in your life? Meet any cute boys?”
Captain Tarkey blushed. “Actually Mom, I was calling to let you know we will have one more joining us tomorrow.”
“Eeee! I knew you would find someone! What's his name? What does he do? How long have you been seeing him?” Gwendolyn rapidly fired off, unwilling to hide her excitement. Her dad was less enthused, keeping his poker face until more was said.
“Easy mom. We aren't dating, but I would hope after he gets to know me better, he might see me as more than just his boss.”
“His boss? He’s enlisted?” Kenton asked.
“Oh shhh you.” Gwendolyn waved him off. “Come on girl, details. Momma needs to know.”
Captain Tarkey smiled. “His name is Cameron, although he lets me call him Cam. And…he’s my personal security officer.”
“Oooh, what is that?” Gwendolyn asked, looking up and back at her husband who wore a disapproving gowl.
“Why does my daughter need a bodyguard?” Kenton asked plainly.
“She doesn't. It just gives her a reason for a late night booty call,” Vani said, coming into frame, leaning on her dad, while nibbling on something resembling celery.
“Vani? What are you doing there? We haven't gotten clearance yet.”
It wasn't entirely true. Captain Tarkey hadn't given the crew the approval to disembark. Clearance was given sometime in the early morning. She couldn't remember when exactly, since she was mostly focused on her trashed note.
Kenton turned his frustration toward the daughter on his shoulder. “You said she let you go early.”
“She didn't stop me. That's basically the same thing.” Vani took another bite of her crunchy vegetable. “So, you got the hot human to come to dinner. Please tell me you didn't order him to. That's tacky.”
“He’s a human!” Gwendolyn gasped and clapped her hands. “I have always wanted to meet a human!”
“First off, I didn't order him to. I asked him and he wanted to see you all. And second, Vani, which shuttle did you steal?”
“I’ll never tell.” Vani waved goodbye. “I’ll see you when you get here sis. Tell Cam I said hi.”
Captain Tarkey wanted to be mad at her sister for breaking several protocols, but she was too excited about bringing Cam tomorrow. She saw her mom happy as can be, but her dad was a different story.
“Banyani, this is a bad idea,” Kenton said. “You’re the captain.”
“And I think our daughter is responsible enough to make her own decisions.” Gwendolyn defended. “Don't listen to your father. If you like him, I say go for it. When are you two coming in?”
She was about to answer when another call came in. It was one she always dreaded to see. High Command.
Captain Tarkey sighed. “I'm getting another call I need to take. We’ll be there in the afternoon sometime tomorrow.”
“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow! Don't work too hard,” Gwendolyn said.
“I won't, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Captain Tarkey signed off and her finger floated over the screen to answer the next one. High Command was the last group she wanted to talk to, but she had a feeling this would happen. Making a new position is a rather irregular situation, which likely needed more explanation beyond the boilerplate form. Was she ready to give a plausible explanation for needing a bodyguard? No, but if she wanted Cam a little closer to her, she would need to be creative.
***
A bang came from below Lisa's cubicle desk as she hit her head on the countertop. Lisa let out the usual explicative and climbed back in her chair. The device on her desk was beginning to be far more than she bargained for. Cables ran under and over her desk, all going to other instruments of the trade. Many of the devices she was using were completely foreign to her months ago. Lisa caught on quick, but when it came to this, she felt frustratedly inadequate.
“Why won't you decrypt and make my life easier?”
A red light blinked on the device at a consistent pace. It was the most she was getting from it. No answer or, if it was an answer, it was speaking the wrong language. A blinking light wasn't exactly a language for any discernible person, alien or not.
“If you weren't the key to stopping this hacker, I would smash you. You understand me!”
Again, the device did not. The blinking continued as if it was mocking her, enjoying the sound of its own soulless and soundless voice. Computers were weird like that.
“I'm insane. I'm talking to a computer.” Lisa threw up her hands and stood up from her chair. “I need a break.”
Lisa left everything where it was and went for a walk around the ship. Normally, her go to brain cleanser was playing video games, but this was different. She didn't need a distraction. She needed to think. Her travels along the halls led her to one person she did not expect to find.
“Cam? What are you doing here?” Lisa asked, although happy to see a friendly face.
“I got the rest of the day off.”
“How did you swing that?”
“I guess she had a lot of work to do before we get into orbit. I don't blame her. I'm already going to be spending the next day with her. I’d want some time away from me too.”
Lisa smirked. “Sounds to me like she is preparing for more than our arrival.”
“What do you mean? Her parents are the ones hosting me.” Cam cocked his head. He truly was the epitome of clueless.
“You’re dense, you know that, right?”
Cam flexed his average looking bicep. “I mean, I have been working out lately. I wouldn't say dense. Built would be more like it–”
“You never thought for one second that she might like you?”
“Banyani? Like me? Come on, Lisa. Let's be realistic.”
“You’re right, you're not six one. Everyone knows women only want tall guys.”
“You calling me short?”
“I'm calling you dumb. Big difference, genius.”
“First you call me dumb, then you say I'm smart. Pick a lane.” He shoulder bumped her and she bumped him back.
Their friendly little razzing session ended up knocking loose some ideas for both of them, albeit about wildly different topics. Lisa was the first to verbalize her sudden epiphany.
“I think you are a genius,” Lisa said and began walking back to the IT office. “Follow me.”
“Where are we going?”
“To crack open the device.”
Cam lengthen his stride to keep up with her. “Device? What device?”
“The one Jack took. Or have you already forgot?”
“No, I didn't forget…” I have no idea what she's talking about. Was I even there? Dang, that parrot meat really did a number on me.
Lisa opened the door and rushed to her cubicle, excited to try out her new theory. At her desk, she unplugged different cables and plugged in new ones with the urgency of a surgeon losing their patient. She switched over to her keyboard typing with the same speed and intensity. It was a lot for Cam to take in.
“What exactly are you doing?” Cam asked, hoping her explanation will fill in a lot of gaps.
“I am reversing the modular polarity, fixing the capacitor output, and injecting a revised version of code for decrypting. How did I not think of it sooner.”
Cam was fairly certain half of what she said was complete nonsense. It still didn't stop his amazement when the device light turned from red to green. Lisa kicked her seat back and jumped in the air.
“Yes! I was close all along!”
“You did it?” Cam said, inching closer with his pointer finger to poke the device.
Lisa swatted his hand. “Don't touch it. I don't want you screwing it up.”
“How can touching it screw it up?”
“Ever heard of static electricity?”
“Nope,” Cam said, shocking Lisa when he turned his finger on her.
“Hey,” Lisa said. “See what I mean. You could've fried it.”
“How do you know all this stuff?”
“I'm just gifted, I guess.”
“I wish I was gifted at my job.”
“You must not be doing too bad. The captain is still alive.”
Cam shrugged. “She did most of the fighting. All I did was help her up when she fell.”
“You make a good point. Better start filling out your registration paperwork,” Lisa mocked.
“No way. It pays too well,” Cam said.
“Then you're buying us drinks when we get to the beach.”
“Only for you. If I know Jack, he’ll pick the most expensive bottle.”
“Don't you owe him money though?”
“Exactly why I'm not paying for his. He’ll end up owing me money. And we both know he won't pay that back,” Cam said and made his way to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“It looks like you got your hands full. I'm going to get ready for tomorrow.”
Lisa waved. “Make sure you dress up nice for the in-laws.”
“Not my in-laws.”
“Not yet.”
Cam shook his head, but it didn't shake the thoughts already planted there. Banyani doesn't actually like me…does she? Naw, that's ridiculous. She's the captain and my boss. Lisa's just teasing me. Yeah, that's it…
***
Lisa had made some progress, but like all solutions in IT, sometimes the hardest thing to do was to wait and see. Nothing had failed yet, which was a good sign in her eyes. The negative was it gave time for her annoying partner to return.
“Get any farther on your little project?” Lotan asked, fully expecting her to say no.
“Did you go through those logs yet?”
“I did. Last entry was you and then naturally me as I swiped in. Otherwise, the other entries were all around the normal times engineering would be doing expected work.”
Lisa looked back at her screen, seeing the progress bar inching forward at a snail's pace. With the logs being a bust, this was her last chance at finding out who was there. Lotan didn't need an answer to his question, nor would he get one from her as Captain Tarkey called. Lisa tapped on her slate to answer.
“Lisa, good, you're still awake.”
Lisa lifted her slate to show Lotan in frame as well. “Yes, ma'am. We’re both still at it.”
Captain Tarkey paused for a moment, thankful Lisa clued her in on who else was with her. What she wanted to discuss was far from professional in nature.
“How is the progress?”
“It's coming along. I had Lotan check the security logs for a different lead, but he came back with nothing. Now I'm just stuck waiting for this device to be decrypted.”
“So, you have some time to see me in my quarters?”
“Of course we do, ma’am,” Lotan said.
“Sorry, I was talking to Specialist Smots.”
“I guess so.”
“Good. Meet me here as soon as you can. And Specialist Lotan, if anything changes on the status of that device, you let me know right away.”
Lotan saluted. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Good,” Captain Tarkey said. “Lisa, I’ll see you soon.”
The screen went blank and Lisa sprung up from her chair. She hoisted her bag over her shoulder and headed for the door. Lisa had not the slightest idea why she was needed, but it seemed important. It wasn't long before she found herself at Captain Tarkey‘s door. She knocked and heard a muffled, “Come in.”
Lisa swiped the door, not actually thinking it would open for her, but it did. “Wow, since when did I get access?”
She continued inside, where she heard clothes hangers rattling in the other room and plops of heavy cloth hitting the floor. Lisa stepped cautiously to the noise, worried something could be wrong.
“Captain? Is everything alright?”
“I think I need some help,” Captain Tarkey admitted. Lisa came into her room, where a tornado had hit.
Uniforms were tossed all over the bed and floor. Hangers were piled up and more casual clothes littered the floor. Captain Tarkey held two tops up, one purple with thin straps and the other, a blue blouse with a floral design.
“I don't know what I'm doing?”
“Neither do I,” Lisa said. “Care to explain?”
“I'm trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I wore anything other than my uniform.”
“I'm not really the best person to ask.”
“No, you are.” Captain Tarkey lowered her clothing choices and grabbed Lisa's shoulders. “Please, you're the only one I can turn to.”
Lisa was surprised by the sudden ambush, yet it wasn't unwelcomed. It beat staring at the slow progress bar and Captain Tarkey genuinely valued her opinion. She never got that vibe from other women she had known.
“Are you okay with me being brutally honest?” Lisa asked.
“I wouldn't ask if I didn't. Last thing I want is to screw this up. Tomorrow is my big opportunity to show Cam I'm more than a captain.”
“Okay, I'll–”
Captain Tarkey gave her a big hug. It wasn't like her to act so impulsive, but she felt Lisa agreeing would be huge for wooing Cam. She recoiled fast and held up the two outfits again, excited to hear Lisa's input.
“What are you two doing tomorrow?”
“I was planning on doing some sightseeing and then visiting my parents for dinner.”
“Is it warm in Ohar?”
“Where my parents live it's a bit cooler, but otherwise fairly comfortable. I think it is twenty one degrees.”
She must be talking celsius. I definitely wouldn't wear either in twenty one degrees fahrenheit.
“They both look cute. Are you planning on wearing leggings?”
“Yes…that isn't too sexual, is it? I don't want him to think I’m a slut.”
“Then go with the blouse. Or you could wear skinny jeans. I never saw them as overly sexual.”
Captain Tarkey went back to her bed and found a pair of white jeans that resembled her uniform pants. “Would these work?”
“I don't see why not?”
Captain Tarkey began putting on the clothes and Lisa sat down on the bed, looking at all the other sad unselected options on the floor. The shirts she had were all rather plain and wrinkled, while her uniforms were all pristine and eerily similar.
“Did you just dig all these clothes out of your dresser or something?” Lisa asked.
“I had to raid my sister's closet. She has much better clothes than me,” Captain Tarkey said, squeezing into her skinny jeans. “She didn't leave much behind to pick from.”
“Leave behind? Where did she go?”
“She stole a shuttle and is already at our parent's place. When I find out how she did it, then I'll consider returning her clothes.”
Lisa chuckled at the innocent level of retaliation. “Couldn't you just reprimand her or something?”
“Tried it. Doesn't work. I threw her in the brig once. Not making that mistake again.”
Lisa bounced on the bed closer to her, eager to hear more. “Okay, there is a story there. Spill it.”
“It was strange. One day, out of the blue, she decided to dress up in my uniform and go give orders on the bridge.”
“Why would she do that? Is she power hungry?” Lisa asked, not knowing anything about Vani.
Captain Tarkey shook her head. “No, she kept blaming it on ‘a Halloween’, whatever that is.”
Lisa burst out in laughter. How could she not? These aliens may have spoken English, but their understanding of human holidays was severely lacking.
“What did I say?”
“Sorry. Nothing. Please continue,” Lisa said, trying to get her composure back.
Captain Tarkey continued, despite the new questions forming in her head. “The problem was, it wasn't a punishment for her. She liked not having to work and somehow still found a way to have sex with guys.”
“No way, how is that possible? Don't you put men and women in different cells?”
“All I'm going to say is tentacles reach much farther than I thought.”
Vani sounds like a wild one. “Speaking of being pleasured, you need to tell me about your hair situation. How does that work exactly?”
Captain Tarkey scratched her head, unsure how to phrase it for her to understand when an idea popped in her head. She slapped the ends of Lisa's hair, getting a minimal response.
“You didn't feel anything did you?”
“Not really.”
“If I pulled on your hair, where do you feel it?”
“In my scalp.”
“See, that's where we are different. I feel it through my whole spine or in some cases my entire body. A simple slap that did nothing for you would tense my back muscles.”
“Really?” Lisa said, looking at Captain Tarkey’s braid.
“Our hair is very sensitive. Mine is less sensitive than most, but still.”
“So, do you like turn yourself on when brushing your hair in the morning?”
Captain Tarkey laughed. “Maybe Vani does. No, for me, the only way that is happening is if I pull on it really hard.”
“Or Cam touches you anywhere?” Lisa teased.
“Not anywhere…” Captain Tarkey blushed.
“You're right. From where I'm sitting, he doesn't even need to touch you.”
“I'm that obvious?” Her voice almost whined and fears entered her mind. Lisa was quick to offer some assurance.
“Unfortunately, Cam is oblivious. I did put in a good word for you.”
Captain Tarkey lit up. “You did?”
“I got him thinking, at least I think so. Hard to tell with him sometimes.” Lisa hadn't finished her sentence for longer than a millisecond before feeling Captain Tarkey’s arms wrap tightly around her.
“Thank you, Lisa. I'm so glad to have a friend like you.”
Lisa patted her on the back, finding it a little hard to breathe with the death grip around her ribs. Despite the minor discomfort, it was nice to feel a warm embrace for a change.
“Me too.”
***
[Previous] Next

Starting off with pictures of me because I've got ghosted too many times right after showing them.
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself (:

Starting off with pictures of me because I've got ghosted too many times right after showing them.
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself (:

Background Info: American short hair cat that is FELV+. Spayed Female. We are in Arizona. Indoor Only
My cat has been having random allergic reactions that don’t occur very often but we aren’t able to tie them to anything. For some background she is FELV+ and her vet did give us allergy meds at one point but we were afraid to give them to her. She already has a weakened immune system and my understanding is that the allergy meds would further weaken her immune system. From my understanding of FELV she would be considered a regressive case so her immune system is at balance with the virus and our fear would be that on allergy meds she could become progressive but that’s just our guess.
Are we right to not give her the allergy meds or are our fears unfounded? We just don’t know what to do because our vet isn’t very helpful and it’s impossible to tie her reactions to anything.

Hi all,
AMAB 26
I am based in the UK and as such, I have only been to my GP once regarding my gender dysphoria. I was referred to my GP by a letter from a uni therapist and the GP asked me if would like to be referred to the adult Gender services (or something like this) and at the time (about 3 years ago) I wasn't ready, still not sure if I am. I haven't gone back because tbh my GP makes me quite uncomfortable and I think she is so busy that things like mental health are not a concern for her.
I had quite irregular free counselling for about 18 months of my time at uni just before the pandemic started. I did genuinely really like it, however I feel almost guilty that I didn't really make any progress during that time. As I would now have to pay privately for counselling as the NHS waiting list is way too long, I am concerned that I would be paying a very high amount and I would not have the courage to apply the advice of the sessions to my life.
My question is, did counselling help? I am now 26 and since I was 22 when I consciously realized my gender dysphoria I have made extremely slow progress. I have grown my hair out and brought some lingerie, but that is about it. I think I am terrified of saying the words out loud 'I am a trans women'. I feel like I will never be seen as a women so what is the point. Do I even want to be seen as a women? Every day I feel like I am losing another day of being happy and being myself.

First post! Me and an older coworker(S) joined work recently at the same time. Over 4 weeks, we became 'friends', like weirdly close in my definition and I was starting to have some suspicions because well, we've only known each other 4 weeks. Over years of learning from failed friendships, I learnt what kinda people I'm drawn to and away from. She came to seem the former, but I didn't have enough of a reason to say anything.
We were having a conversation in a group about religion, much of which I was merely a listener into since I'm not religious and the people including my coworker, were. For context, this is in a Muslim country (but relatively progressive company) where giving your opinions especially critical of Islam is looked down upon, to say the least.
Most of the conversation was (mostly) lead respectfully. S has been growing religious more recently from what they told me, and it brought them more peace and happiness so great with me. However, S out of nowhere, started saying in a weirdly serious tone, that they know I don't pray and will teach me now since that's what "good friends do for each other", and a new coworker (D) chimed in with "kids older than 7 are beaten by parents to pray. U tell em" and she jOkInGlY pulled my hair too.
I found this to be extremely inappropriate and also plain uncomfortable. Because people who don't know me or my business (and don't need to) now randomly know something that's none of their business, and also without me having a say in it. Made me feel so weird all day, and I wear my emotions on my face, and S could eventually tell. It was overwhelming so I eventually felt a need to talk to HR about it.
S overheard some parts of my discussion when I was taking a 2nd opinion before approaching HR, and because I was subconsciously avoiding S after it, S kept probing me on text and in person about what happened all a sudden and that what she said was a joke and "why would I ask you about it"???
I did come to a neutral conclusion with HR about keeping boundaries, but she persisted to try to know if someone else hurt me. I appreciated the gesture, said I didn't wanna talk about it, and a few more probes later she did get the message.
I didn't intend to completely not even LOOK at S direction, but S has been acting weirdly since. Doesn't acknowledge my existence (we used to greet by hugging every day and even a few days after it since I never outright revealed to anyone, even HR, about who said what), and also sometimes cutting me off to talk to the same person I'm talking to. It's all high school ish tbh, and ironic considering S was quick to judge people on how much attitude they possess, and now S seems to be melding right in with that kind of personality, atleast with me.
Anyway, AITA for the report? And either way, what's a good way to atleast keep it professional with S (because the office is rather small) and we both intend to keep working here a while. Interaction can't be avoided as much, plus the atmosphere is weird when S and I are there at the same place, even though it has decreased from all the time to barely twice a day since. Should I bring it up and explain at this point?

One thing I think about. It's that I am Myself. It would be simpler if I was just an on-looker and not myself, but I am myself. So I gotta deal with that. I'm the person that needs to overcome something...which I'm not arguing against; it's just weird to be that person. I guess it's just not how I think, outside of it being a fact.
But- it also makes it a little easier to think from that POV, cause SM is stupid and nonsensical, when it comes down to it. And I've thought that for a long time...but I feel this is a more realized way I've come to look at it.
And the last few days I feel like I actually 'want' change again. I think a few days ago was a bit of a "reel-in" moment for me. So maybe I do want 'normal' again. I'm glad that I did get that "reel-in," cause when not "reeled-in," things just stagnate (which my Mom was also telling me, that progress is stagnate, and that's not untrue).
Uh- it is a little difficult to do (or attempt) anything myself. But today my Mom, took me and made me get a haircut myself. Now, I didn't feel bad at the prospect of it...I think I denied doing this in the past cause I was more afraid of it, but also because I could never get it through to her, that if she TOLD my (usual) haircutter about this-all first, it would make it WAY simpler (and this would apply to other things too). And today I told here, and she agreed to do it/understood.
Sitting in there alone was a little weird. And then he forgot a usual thing, so I had to leave the building "after" the cut, and lucky my Mom did come in (when I looked at her) and she resolved it. But she was out of the building most of the time, besides those two times. It was ok. Idk what this usual-haircutter thinks of me, but he's alright (as in "meh")...and I think his handling of me was to be expected (in regards to SM/assumed-dependency; not saying that I'm not dependent, but I'm less dependent than sometimes is assumed...but I think the assumptions were faiI did expect). And maybe next time I'll go alone (since I can drive/have a car, even if it's kind of ridiculous I have a car...but I do), it'll probably be weird, but it'll probably get better. But now the door has been "unlocked," at least for this hair cutter (solely); miss-me with any other hair-cutting place...cause that's a WHOLE OTHER thing. I don't speak at mine; it's just "known" what gets done (even if ideally I'd probably do my hair differently...that's for later in life, I guess).
On 150mg of Sertraline, and I feel like it hasn't done much...but maybe it has; or maybe I just (since the last few days) feel like I actually "want it" (change/A fucking LIFE that I have dominion oveto experience love and/or normal social life) and am a little more willing. 'Normality' is such a foreign concept, I tend to just reference people (in my head) when talking on "normality." Which is kind of weird (if I were to be specific in my details), but it's what I do. And I sort of "idolize" these people I "attach to" that label (or basically people, I don't really know that well, but I get it in my head; "that's how I want to be like"....)...because people are just the easiest way for me to explain 'normal' to myself. It feels like there's just so much to be discovered, in whatever that life would be like. And I have somewhat a concept of 'normal' with Media/YouTube/Family, etc., but not a lived-experience (which I may never know).
Although I don't do these things myself, so my Mom having me do this (cause this wasn't a discussed thing), was kind of crucial. I'm not leaving the house on my own. I would hope the 150mg daily, will eventually have me willing to go out the house on my own volition (but idk if that'll ever be the case), or to express myself more openly..but that seems to have yet to come. If that would even come...maybe I'm way too Optimistic or Delusional.
And then we went to a fast food place, and I would just be thinking on the way there. Then we were there, and I would pick the coupon. But I didn't expect her to have me actually speak to the cashier. Now look, I don't even speak loud when alone (loud, as in 'normal volume').....so- Although she then wanted me to speak to the guy (not just to her, in front of the guy). My eye-contact was 50/50 (looking/not looking), but eh....I would say my singular word 'cheese' for what I wanted of the coupon (I mean the guy lined it out pretty easy prior to even realizing anything about me, so guess I was just lucky there)....and he misheard that as 'chicken,' then I was struggling just to get the right sandwich. I had to relay that to my Mom. And for the side, I just forfeited that; I was ok with the side that was misheard as well (anyway).
And I felt fine after that. Although I stand stiffly/my arms are placed weird (It's awkward and lacking of confidence). I'm 21, but I guess I feel like a 4-yr old; in regards to how I think people respect me (if they even do), I wear the same things, etc., and I feel like people always default to not speaking to me like a normal person. Which is also something I really do sort of want lately....to be treated normally (since that's just rare). I would want someone (in future) to be able to just express freely with (guess that's why I think on 'love' mainly).
And I think (why I feel relatively fine today), a lot of it is that "outside POV" too, as well as me lately "wanting it" (although I don't "want it" as much as I did 3 years ago). I didn't feel in-genuine for doing either of these things (usually I do). Maybe cause my Mom was aware of it all? less so, a "betrayal" by speaking.
Or, the medicine could be a factor. Or it could be that I'm less afraid of speaking to strangers, and more just afraid of expressing more than just an ordespeaking in more than a few words, as well as speaking at a 'normal volume,' and am also not used to 'normal convo' with anyone. I mean it's not like I've really ever had a normal conversation (and it's not like I practice, and I'll get DMs from people, and I appreciate them...but it's just too weird....I'd rather talk to AI....but at that point, I just stick to my diary).
I think my Mom was telling me that I used to (long ago) basically have a somewhat 'normal' living experience...and I do have videos from 2011 (at 9) of me talking happily along to the ipad (even videos where I am speaking to my brother, which I don't do anymore). I don't really remember being 9 though, but I think that could be right. I think my Uncles also say how I used to speak (unsure about that though).
Though I always remember speaking never coming natural. I never spoke much in Elementary school, and I didn't say a word in Kindergarten. I just thought that was entirely normal. I didn't even think about the other kids. I guess I was pretty socially-unintelligent though, as well...so it's not like I really understood that people normally speak a lot to each other. I guess I just didn't realize that until much later.

Use this thread to promote yourself and/or your work!
(Descriptions of fictional crimes investigated by the story's main Character Max.)
Detective's Fate
It's august of 2008.....
Max is a detective living in Chicago He checks his pistol and puts on his police badge as he walks out his front door.
He has been searching for a serial killer known as the Caller for years and always been one step behind due to the red tape.....
More importantly the chief's lazy attitude towards getting search warrants and actions approved by the courts for raids. Twice Max had good intel on the suspect's locations and photo evidence showing him at the sites.
The department needs more vigilant, caring officers and leaders but no one steps up to do it, instead they just complain about the slow progress and officers. And hinder investigations.
Now Max has decided that it might be time to stop playing by the rules and catch this scumbag.... .... ....
Starting his car Max sets his GPS to the address that "The Caller" was last seen and pulls out of his driveway as the 50 miles of directions pop up.
The killer's nickname being for his signature of calling in as he is committing the crime.
As he drives he remembers his first case, five years ago now..... ..... .....
A woman, Joane Taylor, was found dead in an alleyway after going out for the night. She showed no signs of struggle leading the police to believe she had drank to much and expired from alcohol poisoning.... ...
The death was written off as a "party gone wrong".... That is until several more were found and the coroner decided on a whim to test for other substances.
Once it came out that the deaths were possible murders...
The calls started coming in, almost like the suspect wanted credit before revealing himself....
Then ways of the deaths began changing as the Serial Killer explored his twisted desires searching for his preferred method.
The last case being a young woman found stuffed in a dumpster after the killer apparently got scared off.... Max will never forget it.... .... ....
The GPS finishes and the car beeps its final direction, taking an exit off the highway. Ramps out here are always confusing... Which is funny since he has driven this one for five years now...
The chief says he should sit this one out but he can't... The latest victim 3 months ago.
Marie Spelner, a waitress out on her smoke break talking to her spouse on the phone.
Survived by her husband, no children or living relatives. ....
Max Spelner turns into the driveway of the house he was directed to... Stepping out of the car he walks up and knocks on the door. Looking at the house he knows the family must be doing well if they live here.... Raising his hand to knock again he hears a scream from inside....
A second later the door is answered by a middle aged butler holding a tray with wine glasses on it... "Hello Sir, I'm sorry but this house does not wish to partake in any offers at this time..."
Max calmly says. "I'm not selling anything."
The butler looks confused for a moment before his eyes dart over Max's shoulder seeing his unmarked cruiser and he nods.
Looking past the butler Max sees that a woman is cleaning up after their dog.
"Have you seen this man?" Says Max holds up a picture of the one suspected of being the killer.
The butler gives it a once over before replying. "I'm sorry sir, no I have not." His tone sounds like he is lying... ....
"Are you sure?" The detective asks.
"I would not lie about something like that, sir." He states, his eyes not meeting Max's.
The woman calls from inside "Fletcher, who are you talking too?"
"Some man asking about a killer" he calls back.
"The killer is an inside job!" The woman quickly states.
"What?!" Max says.
"The Killer, it's an inside job." She says again, louder this time. In the same Max also hears a child begin to cry in another room.
"We should start from the beginning, it will be easier to explain trust me." The woman says.
'She seems to know what is going on....
"How do I know your story holds water?" He asks out loud.
"Oh I wouldn't lie. I have been following the case myself and it seems like an inside job to me." She states, somehow sounding hurt.
"Is there anyone else in the house besides you two and the baby?" He asks noticing the baby isn't crying anymore.
"Just Fletcher and I live here, the baby is my cousins but he just stays the night sometimes." She replies.
Max draws his gun and enters the house upon reasonable suspicion of an emergency in progress or suspect on the premisses as the man seems to be deceiving.
While the woman still seems unconcerned that the child is now silent.
He pushes past the butler and rushes towards the area he heard the crying. passes the entryway, the dinning room, and a kitchen before finally finding a child in a playpen.
"There there..." He says in a sing song voice picking up the child. "I'm officer Max, do you know where your mommy is?"
The child just cries louder.
Then he sees the man from the photo walk out of the bathroom, upon seeing him he bolts for the door and Max sets the child down gently then gives chase.
He runs through the house, following the man as he can hear the woman screaming at him to stop but he doesn't."
"Stop or I'll shoot." The man doesn't even break stride.
Instead he runs out of the front door and jumps into his car.
Furious that the man might escape he fires at the car as it drives away.
The back window shatters and he hopes he got his tire, but he doesn't wait to find out as he runs to his car and initiates a pursuit....
He flips on his concealed lights in his cruiser as he reverses down the drive and into the street.
The suspects car is fast but he manages to keep up with it weaving in and out of traffic as people move over for the siren.
As they approach a red light there is heavy traffic in the intersection..... ....
The suspect slams on his brakes and Max's cruiser only just stops short of hitting it. Jumping out the Detective points his firearm at the vehicle running up beside seeing heavily tinted windows.
"Get out of the car and on the ground now!!" He shouts as he moves to the driver's side door.
After seeing no response....
Max throws open the door and the driver is gone with the passenger side open.
He quickly runs to the other side catching the man trying to sneak off tackling him to the ground and then takes his arms putting them behind his back.
Max grabs his radio and calls it in as the man cries.
As he is waiting he hears a noise that sounds like static.....
"Wrong guy moron.. Did you ever stop to think I wanted you close for this one. That I planned everything...Even framing the pothead..... I almost lost interest until you pulled in the driveway... The attic is kinda cramped tho... I think I'll go carve some meat. Maybe graduate to other things to. I'm not sure yet. Lets see if you can catch me before......" A familiar voice says over the radio then cuts off... ...
Max looks at the man on the ground. "Why did you run from me?" He asks.
"Cause I have like 19 grams of marijuana in my pocket." He replies...
"Do you know how stupid that is?! I don't care about that I'm looking for a killer."
Before he can answer Max hears the woman from the house screaming for her life and a child's cries on his radio.
Then from below Max. "He's in the house, he's in the house! My mom and the baby!" The man on the ground says crying.
Max uncuffs him and runs to his car heading back to the house as he lays down rubber on the road... ... ...
As he approaches and pulls into the driveway he notices the front door is open.
"Hold on I'm coming!" Max screams jumping out of his cruiser...
He runs into the house finding the woman's body arriving too late. Moving over to her he checks for a pulse but she is gone, a large gash in her neck.
As he stands up he slips in a fluid but gains his balance and tries not to think about what it is....
He rushes to the room the baby was in finding the play pen empty. He leaves the room searching the rest of the house and still doesn't find the child.
"Where are you!!!" He calls out....
"This is the Callers first kidnapping and the media would eat up the fact I failed to stop the man." He thinks as he blames himself.
Sirens begin to blare in the distance as backup is about to arrive... ... ...
"There's a woman dead and a baby missing! The woman is in the dinning room straight ahead of the front door, Hurry!" He yells into his radio...
Looking over at the mother seeing a piece of paper on the floor.
He walks over to it seeing writing.
"So close... Looks like I'm a kidnapper now.... Good luck finding me.... And... I so enjoyed killing that sweet wife of yours. Might do it that way again. Not to the kid tho....later Max. Ps. This game is so fun.." It says.
"He was here..." Is all he can muster as the team enters.
"He was right in this house and I missed it because her son freaked over weed and ran..." He says as another officer speaks to him gently.
"Don't beat yourself up Detective, it's not your fault. He must have hid before you got her and left after you arrived." The words do little to comfort him "First day back on the job and the killer escaped taking a child..." He says as he walks away.
The chief arrives in his new lexus with a screeching of rubber as he lurches to a halt.
He quickly exits and leaves his door hanging open as he rushes into Max's face....
"I told you to stay away from this case MAX!!!!....(takes a breath)...
"If I catch any flak from my superiors, I won't suspend you.... That'd be to easy. Desk duty and an entry level demotion. The new guy will have a higher rank than you if things go my way.... Now get outta my sight...". "(Sighs)...
"This job is gonna be the death of me..." He says walking away from Max and towards the Coroner's van..... ..... .....
On the way home the detective stops by the store close to his house which is unlike him because he usually follows the same routine.
He nears the front door and he hears a kitchen timer ding loudly from behind him as his car explodes throwing him through the storefront windows as they are blown out..... .....
Alarms around the lot and others nearby create a cacophony of noise. His head pounding as his body aches, Max pushes himself up and collapses as the store manager runs over to him telling him not to move as he dials 911.... .... ....
Waking in the hospital Max recalls the feeling of the Shockwave as he flinches in phantom pain.
"Who woulda thought its like holding a ringing metal bat that hurts your hands but all over and way more intense." He thinks.
He suddenly feels tired and falls asleep.... .... .... ....
The next time he wakes, he sees a breaking news story that Jane Saltani is reporting on....
"Young toddler Accidently Shoots Serial killekidnapper ending his life and Alerting residents in the Area." The news anchor says.
Sighing to himself Max thinks about how crazy that is and laughs.
Tho he really wanted to bring the guy in. He closes his eyes to get some much needed sleep as his door opens.
Max looks up to see a man with a silenced pistol pointed at him.
"Hm. Now they think I'm dead. Funny how they just assume they got the right guy. Just like.... You did Detect... ....." Max hears but then hears no more as his end comes at just over the speed of sound....
The Caller leaves the hair of another intelligent convicted murderer that he obtained in a spot that's believable and quickly leaves.....
He disables the surveillance system and sends a virus out to any device that has received video data from the hospital.
Erasing and corrupting the systems. Leaving a master hackers finger prints on a glass from his home....
"Sorry, no witnesses." He says to the security guard as he fires... ..... ..... .... ....