Adderall and soma interaction

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend (f 31) of 14 years broke up with me (m 32) a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist, I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend of 14 years broke up with me a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

I'm 19 and I've never been in a situation like this before. I met my ex Jack when I was 14 and once we graduated highschool us and my older sister moved in together. I trust both of them with my life and they were my only friends. My sister Lucy thought she was a lesbian and I never thought Jack would do this. I had no reason to not trust either of them. So when they became friends a few months into living together I was happy. It was nice having my two closest friends also be friends.
Jack and Lucy continued becoming closer throughout the next 2 years and me and Jack became more distant. It seems so obvious now but I've never been great at reading social cues as I have autism. A year ago Jack came up to me after Lucy had a hard day and asked if it was okay that he hugged her. He said that he didn't want to cross any boundaries and that he wouldn't if I wasn't alright it with. I said yes for many reasons. One, I'm not the jealous type. I trusted both of them with my life and two, as I said and she thought she was a lesbian. Plus I didn't feel like there was a problem with just hugging.
So they hugged each other occasionally which overtime became more frequently. I think because it was such a slow process i didnt notice them getting closer. Jack became more distant from me. Our scheduals were almost opposite of each other so I barely got to see him until evening and by that time he just wanted to game or watch TV. I focused on how little time we spent together and not how much time he spent with Lucy. I feel like a idiot now and I'm sure you guys will think I'm lying when I say that I didn't suspect anything going on. You would think that if anytime you saw your boyfriend he was with your sister on the same couch watching tv while they cuddled you'd notice. But I didnt. I was actually happy because in my mind we were all so good friends.
I did have many talks with Jack saying how neglected I felt and he asked me a lot if I was okay with him hugging and cuddling her. I did feel a little weird about it but I didn't trust my feelings. I made myself believe that I was only upset because I wasn't getting attention. I also felt like somehow I didn't have a right to dictate how Jack acted as he never did that to me.
My sister always took the brunt of our abuse growing up and never had anyone to support her so I also was happy that she had someone to talk to finally. I didn't want to take that away from her since I owed her so much.
I thought that as long as Jack actually started giving me more love that I wouldn't feel upset anymore. But despite the many conversations of me begging him to cuddle me and hug me nothing changed. I think eventually I gave up. About half a year ago I became a recluse in my room and barely saw anyone. I still loved Jack I just gave up the belief that I deserved to be showed affection. And in my mind giving love and loving was separate I guess.
At the same time my little sister (15), Brenna, who is still stuck in the same abusive situation I mentioned earlier became super depressed and developed anorexia. Between my own stress I also relapsed back into my own eating disorder I had in highschool. But seeing as I felt like Lucy and Jack were no longer options for me to turn to I had no one. This was a very lonely time for myself. I began to fail my classes and called off work a lot which isn't like me.
Things got worse when back in March Brenna had to go to the mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and self harm. She got diagnosed with Anorexia and Adhd. She also then confided in me and Lucy that our older brother was abusing her emotionally and kept on making comments about her body and it became obvious that she was horribly coedependant with him. This was more than a major red flag because he sexually abused me when I was between the ages of 7 and 9. So to learn that he was potentionally doing the same to her killed me inside. Brenna started living with us after that and she started to gain a sort of better relationship with food and was able to start healing a little bit now that she didn't live one room down from our brother.
This was a horribly stressful and triggering couple of months. Lucy started having a really hard time coping between that situation and her own Adderall addiction that I didn't know about. She began smoking and just generally having a hard time not relapsing with self harm as she struggled with that in the past. She wouldn't accept any help from me as I'm her little sister and didn't want to burden me. Jack began comforting her a lot and I was glad someone was able to help a little. He began kissing her on the forehead with my consent ad they became closer. I just wanted Lucy to he happy so I didn't want to take that away in such a hard time. If I knew they they loved eachother I would have does something different. But I thought they were close almost like brother and sister.
Brenna eventually needed more help than what we could offer. So my mom took her to a hotel and I went with them to support her. This was really hard because my mom is a narccisit that cause me a lot of pain as a kid.
During that week stay Jack texted me on the first day and told me that he was really sorry for not asking first but they had gotten high and slept in the same bed without shirts. I didn't know how to react and I couldn't process this at all. I felt very awkward and just said okay since I was very busy at the hotel dealing with various breakdowns.
I learned later that before I left for the hotel I told Lucy that she could use my bed since she had been sleeping on the couch. And that they took this to mean that I was okay with them both sleeping in my bed since me and Jack shared. I don't remember telling her that but it was a stressful situation so I must've forgot.
I didn't have time to focus on that issue so I decided to talk to them about it later. I didn't get the chance to since the next day he asked if it was okay if he sat with Lucy while she showered. A little context, Lucy has a horrible trigger for water related things and I often would sit with her. I was also a little taken aback but I felt like somehow I would be bad to deny her anything. So I said yes. I don't that I was complicit in all this but I truly didn't think they would hurt me like this. And I viewed it as the same thing as me helping her since Jack made it clear that he didn't think of her as anything other than a friend. And I trusted him.
The next day after that they both came up to the town I was staying in for Lucy's doctors appointment. Jack and I went on the first date we had in months and it was nice to get away from the hectic hotel situation I was in. That night though they texted me and asked me to come out to the truck to talk with them. That's when Jack told me that the night before he had been I bed with Lucy again, both just in their underwear, and was rubbing her back when he started to rub her ass. He said that she was shocked and left but they had talked and came to the conclusion that they cheated and that they both like each other.
I have a really hard time processing information so I was shocked mostly. I wasn't expecting this at all despite all the signs I ignored. I was desperately clinging onto the hope of working everything out. The wording he used made it seem like he liked her so after they cried a bunch I went back to the hotel room. I didn't have a break as my mom was yelling at Brenna and I had to calm them down. The next morning I talked to my therapist and finally cried myself. I was confused and hurt but also willing to try to work things out.
That day was Jack's birthday so we all went out to celebrate. Jack turned 21 and so Lucy and Jack went bar hopping. I knew I was uncomfortable with that but I didn't want to say something and ruin his birthday. I wasn't asked directly if I was okay with it which I know sounds stupid but I truly didn't know what words to say to express my feelings.
I felt very uncomfortable though so I went home that night with them when they were done. That night I was up in my room while Lucy and Jack were drunk downstairs and I just broke down. I felt horrible for thinking some of the things I did and I was mostly just so heartbroken. I had the worst thoughts of ending it all but was too worn out to do anything. I wanted so badly to go downstairs and get comforted but those were the very people who were causing my pain. These two were my only friends. I had no one else I could go to and I just felt so alone.
I was feeling better by the next day and was planning on having a sit down conversation once Jack got off work. I was able to talk to Lucy a little and was feeling hopeful. We all went out to eat and it was good. I hugged Jack for the first time since I left for the hotel and he cried. I thought we could actually work things out.
They went to the park since Jack wanted to talk to Lucy alone and I felt uncomfortable again but as I said I trust these people with my life. They came back home a couple hours later. We all sat in the living room and he said he wanted to break up. He said that he couldn't love me romantically and that he loved Lucy. He cried and I just kept thinking about how it was all over. I set a rule for myself when I was very young that people break up for a reason and that there's so good reason to go back to them. So I knew that it was all over. I cried so much that I threw up. I was angry and hurt.
That next week Lucy stayed over at Jack's hotel a lot. I was left alone at the house and I felt like a robot going through the motions. I barley ate and I slept most of the time. I was so lonely that when I saw my dad I didn't know how to interact with him. Lucy did not ever try to lessen the situation and only took responsibility. Despite that she still said that she plans to get with Jack in the future once I get over him. That if she doesn't she'll grow to resent me as she might not ever find someone else and that this is the first time she's been in love. I don't know what's worse to think about. The fact that she could do this to me when I know I could do it to her in a million years, or that she loves my ex so much she's willing to do this to me.
He was my first love too. I can understand why she loves him so much since i love him too. And I understand why he loves her so much. Lucy is an amazing person and all of the friends I've ever made have always liked her more, theyre never shy to say it. So this situation doesn't help the complex I had as a kid that everyone likes her more.
I have been doing surprisingly well. I haven't missed him all that much. Maybe that's because for the past few months I've barely seen him so there's not much of a difference but Lucy still hangs out with him. And that hurts. Everytime she goes out with her friends and i learn that jack was there i feel my heart break. Lucy says that Jack has been crying a lot when hes reminded of me and I don't know how to feel. If he doesn't actually love me why is he so sad? I have to trample down any hope that he does still love me. I know that even if he does I won't be able to take him back and it hurts.
I also can't help but think about how sick it is that hes going to kiss her and be intamit with her in the same ways he was with me. Were sisters and its sick to think about how shes going to do that with him knowing that I did too. I keep telling myself its none of my buisness but I still cant stop thinking about it.
I feel bad because I can't help but want them to not work out, or to hope for him to cheat on her too. but at the same time I want Lucy to be happy, no matter who its with. I also just can't see how their relationship will work out since it started in this way but that's none of my business either.
I just don't know what to do. I don't have any friends. And I just wish I could have been brokeN up and been done with it. I blocked him but hes still somehow in my life one way or another. How am I supposed to heal with all of this going on.
Sorry for the long post I just really needed to get this all off my chest and if anyone has any advice or any insights that would be great.
Edit: I wanted to add on that Lucy and Jack (the last time I saw him of course) have been taking responsibility and stuff. Lucy doesn't seem to be trying to make me forgive her or feel bad for her at all. She does make an effort to not excuse herself since our parents never took responsibility for anything. So she isn't trying to lie or anything but she is still going to make her own decisions. She's been taking up an attitude recently (not completely related to this situation) that she's been selfless her whole life and that she's going to be doing things for herself now. (It's true that she has been selfless and gave herself for everyone around her. As I said she shielded me a lot as a kid) She never said this I don't think in regards to dating Jack but I can't help but believe it's related.
Also! If you want a quick laugh since even my therapist thought this was funny. Right after Jack broke up with me I kind of let loose all the shit he did when we were together that I never told anyone about. One of these things was that he left scat stains in my bedding and told me that it wasn't from him and stuff. And you want to know what Lucy said to this? That it still doesn't detere her lol. My therapist said "really? 🤨 scat stains doesn't detere her??" Lol

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend of 14 years broke up with me a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

idk if this is would be a survey or a question. But I have ADHD and have been prescribe Vyvanse. i used to take it maybe 10 years ago or so, but stopped. I used to take Adderall as wel but too many side effects. anyway im on 30 mg vyvanse, 200mg lamictal (x2 a day). i seem to be a little bit on edge. i’ve only taken it 4 or 5 times in the past month or so. I am wondering if anyone w epilepsy has taken the stasis supplement and mainly if it is safe. and confirm it doesn’t interact w lamictal or epilepsy in a negative way. also if you have taken it what was your experience was like?

Of the six moons that pass over Filius none has had an impact like Alaxia, the Shattered Moon. Only the ancent remember when it shattered, and only liars know why, but all know what it caused. Moonglass has rained from the sky ever since, sinking into the ground, embedding with nature, found and fawned over by priests and scholars alike. It wasn't long until it's remarkable magic potential was discovered, and became the basis of a magitech revolution giving birth to wonders and horrors previously unimageable, nothing exemplifies this more then the splendous Uropoli.
Flying citadels home to the world's marvels, learning, and wealth. Casting long shadows on the ground they defy, people not fortunate enough to be part of a Uropolis often a less reverent attitude towards them, especially in the Bahat Valley. A lowland surrounded by mountains, the valley naturally concentrates moonglass, a fact well known by many interested parties. None moreso than the Uropoli, which have slowly stripped much of the land into a vast stoney waste now known as the Quarry Desert.
Wracked by famine, banditry, internal conflict, war, and rebellion, the previous power of the valley - the Blue Temple, though it still claims the whole valley, has withered to a fraction of it's former power. Though it still posses a significant presence. The wealth of the moonglass and the lack of control makes the valley the perfect place for the brave or desperate to make their fortune.
It's here that you've been drawn, by an offer supposedly from none but the Empyrean herself, Lady Soma, head of the Blue Temple. Very little information has been given but to head to a fort at the edge of the Quarry Desert, despite this lack of information the offer was too good to refuse, very few refuse the Empyeran after all..
Hey! That was long so I'll keep this short. This will be a heavily RP focused game, if you are not interested in RP and character interactions this isn't the game for you, though of course it's not without the other good stuff. It will be run on discord, using a dice bot, and be almost entirely in theater of the mind.
I love worldbuilding, but this is a game, not a story - you are free and I heavily encourage you to co-create the world with me, though your backstories, interactions, and even contributions out of game if you wish. There will be personal interpretation of some rules but nothing insane.
There will be mature themes, though specific sensitivities can of course be happily accommodated. Bigotry of any form will not be tolerated. Date and time will be decided based on availability of players.
If all that sounds good, fill out the form, and leave a comment saying you sent it. If accepted you'll get a friend request on discord from "1vmanycats", likely within a week. I look forward to seeing your applications!! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdIKnEYz_AAcXavPNdq1LzL1PF8YtyW1GBYVQB5Pa_obxcKLw/viewform?usp=sf_link

So I take adderall and it’s been VERY helpful for productivity, specifically for my career. I can have a big girl job now because I can wake up on time, focus, and get shit done.
However, I’m a lot less myself in the off hours. My boyfriend specifically noticed that I’m a lot more fun and “alive” when I’m off my meds, more like I used to be before I was medicated.
My theory is that adderall reallocates all the energy and focus you have so you can put it towards the things you need to do, but it uses up ALL the energy I have that would normally make me a spontaneous, bubbly, silly goose. This leaves me a joyless, boring, empty zombie shell after work because i have 0 energy to participate in normal interactions, do things i like, etc.
Is this real? Is this unhinged or am I stating the obvious? Did I just make this up in my head and convince myself it’s real?????
If it is real, it fucking sucks! One of my biggest fears when starting medications was that it would change me, and this feels a lot like that :/
What’s worse is that I can acknowledge this might be happening but it’s not like I can stop! I destroyed every job/career I had after max 1.5 years before I was medicated, so I guess I just have to deal with having a worse personality now???

I’ve noticed (and read others’ experiences on this sub) a reduced effect of my adderall since beginning zepbound. Is this all anecdotal or is there some actual science behind this? I saw some drug interactions about both having the potential to increase heart heart rate, but I didn’t see a lot else.
Does anyone know if taking adderall also reduces the effect of the zepbound in any way? I definitely don’t want that to be happening!
That being said—I am primarily seeing a reduction in my ability to focus on my adderall. But I am seeing an significant increase in side effects that overlap with side effects that zepbound also has, like appetite suppression (good) and insomnia (bad). I am wondering if there’s a multiplier effect happening for some of the overlapping effects.

(Cross-posted on ADHD)
Hi! So, I'm 21 and was just diagnosed with ADHD a couple of weeks ago. I've been on Zoloft 50mg for a couple of months now and I'm doing alright on it (no major side effects beyond a little bit of emotional numbness some days and minor brain fog), but I was just prescribed Focalin XR 10mg for ADHD. I'm feeling nervous about taking them together because drugs.com shows a moderate interaction between them. For context, I also tried Adderall XR 5mg last week a couple of times but ended up just becoming exhausted and needing a nap about 1-2 hours after taking it. Does anybody have any experience with Zoloft and Focalin XR? Much appreciated!

Hi! So, I'm 21 and was just diagnosed with ADHD a couple of weeks ago. I've been on Zoloft 50mg for a couple of months now and I'm doing alright on it (no major side effects beyond a little bit of emotional numbness some days and minor brain fog), but I was just prescribed Focalin XR 10mg for ADHD. I'm feeling nervous about taking them together because drugs.com shows a moderate interaction between them. For context, I also tried Adderall XR 5mg last week a couple of times but ended up just becoming exhausted and needing a nap about 1-2 hours after taking it. Does anybody have any experience with Zoloft and Focalin XR? Much appreciated!

Last year, my adult niece was diagnosed with ADHD in her mid-thirties. Since she started taking Adderall, she’s been exhibiting personality changes and strange behavior. Our family is concerned, and I’d like to get this community’s insight.
To set the stage, I am closer in age to my niece than my brother (her father). As a result, my niece feels more like a younger sister. Additionally, a few years ago, my niece and her then-fiance sold their home and moved in with my brother while she went to school for a career change. My brother had recently developed some serious health conditions, so it was good to have my niece in the home with him to help out a bit, since the mom is gone. My niece had always been a normal, functional, responsible adult who loves and is loved by her family. Truly the most suburban normie there ever was.
Last year, right before she graduated school, my niece was diagnosed with low-attentive ADHD and prescribed meds. She described the diagnosis as life-changing and we were all happy for her, especially as she was about to graduate and embark on a new chapter of her life. She expressed to me that she felt like she had wasted half her life and the meds made her feel like she could finally focus enough to go after her dreams. The family was very supportive.
Then, her behavior started to change. First, she broke up with her fiance, which wasn’t unexpected. But she also started to act strange. She says she is more focused and has more drive because of the meds, but her actions aren’t lining up with that. For example, there have been many occasions in the past year when her father would need her to help him with something he wasn’t able to do on his own, and she’d say she was going to do it then just wander off into the basement and not come back. There was one situation recently where her dad had needed her help with something critical to his care, she disappeared, and he could have died if another family member hadn’t showed up right on time. Before starting meds, she was happily helping her dad.
She also hasn’t been looking for jobs since graduating, and at this point, shes burned through her savings and her father is fully supporting her financially. He has been asking her to please get some income, even if it’s just from a retail job while she tries to break into her new career. She’ll tell me about job listings she is going to apply to, then when I ask later if she applied or heard back, she’ll say something like “Oh I forgot about that.” She also mentioned wanting to start therapy and made an appointment. When I asked a few weeks later how it went, she said “Oh, I forgot.” These are just a few examples but her memory appears to be almost nonexistent for really important tasks?
She also doesn’t seem to be able to engage in conversations. She seems to barely follow what I am saying. And she is almost constantly texting friends from school, even when it’s not appropriate for the situation. It’s like a teenager who is glued to their phone.
Her father asked me to try and get her out of the house more often because she stays in the basement 24/7. I’ve taken her on some trips to bond, which I do because I love her, but she’s been acting bizarre. On one trip with some of our friends, everyone was helping to clean up as we wrapped up at the Airbnb for the weekend and my niece napped, smoked weed, and was glued to her phone to the point where she didn’t even really say bye to any of our friends (who had traveled to see us!) It was so, so unlike her. Recently, we went bike riding on a trip and she would just sort of zig-zag around erratically and was unpredictable on the bike (and not due to a lack of bike-riding ability!) This is the behavior that has me the most concerned and motivated me to start doing some research. Like something just isn’t RIGHT with her. It felt like riding around with a confused Alzheimer’s patient.
We could be wrong, but my brother and I have talked and we both feel like her behavior started getting weird after she started her ADHD meds. My thought is that perhaps it's a side effect, bad interaction, or abuse of the meds. Or perhaps there is a second diagnosis that her psychiatrist missed. I’m curious if anyone here has ever seen or experienced something like this? Not sure if it matters but she also pounds absurd amounts of caffeine daily and smokes a lot of weed.
Finally, I don’t know how to bring any of this up to her without potentially diminishing or invalidating her diagnosis, which I know has been so powerful for her. I know ADHD meds are life-saving for people, but she seems to be more unfocused than ever since starting these meds. I would appreciate any thoughts, support, guidance, or insight that the folks here have to offer. Thank you.

Currently ignored by big pharma and everyone in general, many people are finding that GLP-1 based medications can increase, block, or be neutral to psychoactive medications. So the lucky ones have been able to reduce their primary medication or even no longer need meds for comorbidities like anxiety and depression. The unlucky ones like me had their medication blocked and rendered ineffective. And in my case long term Adderall downregulation and damage has me far far below my natural baseline when off Adderall. Even tippling my Adderall dose eventually became ineffective. The worst effect I've seen noted are people who are bi-polar needing to be hospitalized as inpatients to rebalance their neurotransmitters. Then there are the ones who don't notice any difference. Also of note, people may not need to be on a psychoactive medication to see psychoactive effects of taking GLP-1 drugs.
There is research on aspects of GLP-1 drugs and things they do, but nothing that specifically gets into the +/- effects with psychoactive medications. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8413152/ https://www.degruyter.com/document/doi/10.1515/hmbci-2018-0031/html?lang=en https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5043148/
So, we only have self reporting of individuals and of people who claim to be healthcare professionals who have treated people on GLP-1 drugs and psychoactive medications in forums to go by. The only research I had seen even related to the subject was a fluff piece funded by big pharma looking into social media reports of side effects and if you look closely, specifically omitted reported issues of drug interactions. some Reddit threads:
https://www.reddit.com/Mounjaro/comments/165jn73/just_a_note_about_mental_health_issues_while/ https://www.reddit.com/Mounjaro/comments/15burkh/psychological_effects/ https://www.reddit.com/Mounjaro/comments/1aug109/horrible_depression_mood_change_two_weeks_into/
Most people seem to get hung up on the delayed gastric emptying as the cause. But that does not account for all the effects people are seeing. And probably what big pharma wants people to think.
I did come up with a theory from research I've read and tested it on myself. I'll skip the details for now and just day for negative effects, guanfacine may be an option for people. Actually turned my horrible Mounjaro experience around and have positive mental benefits from it now.
I am not affiliated with anything related to anything medical, nutritional, etc. Just sharing my experience as it may help others.

When I was a kid, I lived in a abusive household. Long story short, when I was about 5 years old, the police arrived to breakup a dispute between my half brother and my dad. I remember how scared I was before they arrived, and immediately relieved when the officers put a stop to it. I remember them being very kind to me. They were my first interaction with a stranger that was gentle and sweet. Due to the trauma surrounding that moment, it really stuck with me my entire life. Since then, I have felt that it has been my sole singular purpose to give others that feeling of safety, just like that police officer did for me.
Well, the trauma to my life didn't end that day, and I grew up with some really unhealthy habits, and developed a panic disorder in my 20s. I have been treated with 8 different anti-depressants throughout my life, and just recently found out I have ADHD, which I am now treating with Adderall. Things feel better now, but I spent the entirety of my 20s self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Cocaine, MDMA, Ecstasy, Acid, Shrooms, Marijuana, sometimes a combination of most of it simultaneously...basically everything outside of Heroin, Meth, Crack, and DMT. These certainly contributed to my panic disorder.
Given how fear was in control of most of my life, and my history with drug use and multiple mental health conditions, I've come to terms that this career is off the table for someone like me.
It has been hard to shake, though, as no other career path I've researched has brought me anywhere near the same level of interest as Law Enforcement. I don't want to be a desk clerk either, or working behind the scenes, I wanted to be out on patrol, and a face for people to see. I want to comfort someone fearful, and let them know it would be okay. I wanted to be in the position where I can say that without lying to them. Where they can find relief that having me around makes them feel safe.
Though my panic, anxiety, and depression all feel under control after my ADHD treatment, first responder professions still seem unlikely for me as I do not want to find out my panic disorder is back in the middle of a life and death situation.
Mental history aside, it seems being a police officer these days makes people fearful. The opposite of what I found appealing of the profession to begin with.
Everything is leaning toward "don't do it"
What sort of career is there left for someone like me?

Why do I have to take something every day?
TLDR: The past two years, since graduating high school, I have found myself unable to resist taking something each day.
Long wall of text, but this is a summarization of my life/experience and I’d appreciate it if anyone has advice/thoughts/their own experiences.
I would really appreciate it if even just one of you took the time to read this and share your thoughts.
Is there something wrong with me based off what you’ve read? Some solution that pops out at you? Please, just help me identify a diagnosis or something. I’m getting sick of this cycle.
I never tried anything until the summer after graduating high school. I had always been a caffeine fiend, drinking 300-400mg just about every day. Now I was occasionally using weed, alcohol, and kratom.
As I went off to a college far from home with only a handful of people I knew, at 18 years old, I eventually turned to alcohol and weed every couple of nights until I discovered adderall.
My first time taking a 30mg XR I was crying tears of happiness, sending texts to everyone I knew saying how I much I loved and appreciated them, etc. I hadn’t felt this happy and secure ever since beginning college.
This went up a level when I got onto the dark net, I began popping addy pressies (meth) and went down a months long dark route that ended in me breaking down, flushing it all, and having my mother fly out to talk to me.
I told her I was abusing adderall (didn’t mention meth pills or anything else) and that life was so bleak, that my only interactions with others were with flings and one night stands…
She helped me develop an approach to finish the year strongly, I was only half way done with the school year at this point.
I was ready to reapproach with a sober intention. I turned to psychedelics, using 4 AcO DMT or lsd every 5-7 days. I was alone. No friends and nothing better to do than trip, receive beautiful epiphanies and keep myself alive until something better came along.
I used adderall when I could get it. 30mg XR at $2.50 a pop from basically my one and only friend, this was script grade and he was empathetic, I claimed I was treating my own ADHD…
Thankfully I met a girl who was accepting of my faults and helped me regulate my use… I tried FXE, Xanax, a few times. I ended the year with just my about every 2-3 week psychedelic use…
I broke up with her in order to keep messing around and receiving short gratification from flings as I went home for summer. We still see each other occasionally, as friends (mostly). We genuinely care about each other.
Freshman year complete. Returned home for summer. Had a job with my best friend and loved it. Still abused kratom, weed, and alcohol (I’ve never really been an alcoholic, I just mean that I would drink a couple beers in order to cope, I consider this abuse.)
Now I’m off to begin my sophomore year. This time I have 3 random roommates I’ve never met.
Move in week im abusing kratom and drinking a lot with my family. I’m very anxious. Literally vomiting from kratom overdose in bathroom while we’re eating at a restaurant.
The first week of school I trip LSD with one of them, we become great friends. I get into obscure drugs. I have a 1,4 BDO scare just weeks into the school year, end up being fine.
The entire year I used weed about every night. 1,4 BDO in increasing frequency until I’m using it every night. I’m using adderall and vyvanse whenever I can get it. Kratom whenever I have it.
LSD, 3CP, and 4AcO DMT microdoses when needed.
Ketamine, 2FDCK, and canket at scary frequencies.
The school year ends. As I’m writing this, I am on summer break, about to enter my Junior year. I’m 20 years old and have done dozens of substances, many unlisted.
At the moment I most often abuse 1,4 BDO, taking it practically every night just to take the edge off even though it doesn’t affect me too much anymore, nicotine pouches (only been using these for a couple of weeks), and I take lsd/dxm microdoses as needed
I do it strategically, with the goal of minimizing harm to my body and keeping myself healthy and alive. I could’ve gone off the rails so many times. I could’ve killed myself so many times but that is not my goal. My goal is to be content.
In my mind, I have to use something every day or else I’m not living/performing at the level I desire.
At times I convince myself I was born with a chemical imbalance, but then I see this was never an issue until college. At times I look back and see how much I was bullied in middle/high school.
Deep rooted insecurities and sense of worthlessness? Maybe just an extended 2 year bender? Every waking moment of these past 2 years I have been completely self aware of what I’m doing.
I question it often. I journal often. I meditate and search for answers all the time. I genuinely can’t find the source/what is wrong with me that leads me to do this.
Just recently, I’ve gotten to the point of taking from my old prescriptions (mom is pharmacist, doesn’t want me to take opioids unless necessary) like from my hydrocodone prescription a few years ago. I wanted to experience it. I just love experiencing a new feeling/drug alongside the obvious contentness it brings me.
This past week I have taken 10mg of hydrocodone and 100mg of tramadol from some very old prescriptions my grandparents have. Took them on separate days, I came out here on vacation with a slight intent of rehabbing myself but I find myself taking LSD microdoses often and abusing nicotine pouches.
The lsd tolerance in my body is high at the moment, probably for the next few days, and I’m out of pouches. So today I took 30mg dxm. Just to have that aknowledgment that I’ve taken a mood improvement substance.

So, I have a raft of chronic health problems. As best we can figure, I have post-viral stuff~ going on, from a stomach bug when I was in my early teens (I'm in my mid-30s now).
Basically, I have IBS, MDD, GAD, ADHD, CPTSD, IST, POTS, PCOS, GERD (hiatal hernia), chronic rhinosinusitus, sleep apnea (essentially untreated because the CPAP is intolerable), severe (very severe) bruxism, I'm technically Dx'd with fibromyalgia but none of my current doctors seem to hold much with it, and a couple handfuls of apparently solitary problems; stuff like migraines, some true allergies, dental issues despite good dental hygiene. For my allergies, some more or less certain than others: severe nickel allergy, Dx'd ethyl alcohol allergy by history (any and all alcoholic drinks give/gave me hives and made me flush and turn red, upset my stomach and make me feel immediately hungover, though it was an off and on thing until I quit drinking entirely), HDM, cats (I've been allergic to cats on and off since I was a teen and two immediate relatives developed the allergy either after pregnancy or puberty. I have owned cats for over 10 years.) Also I'm lactose intolerant. I'm... unclear on if I'm allergic to dairy or not, my doctors are disagreeing and no one seems interested in destabilizing me since I'm doing okay-ish on my meds atm, of which there are a fuckton.
It's been suggested I have: EDS, MCAS or histamine intolerance, some kind of primary immunodeficiency I guess. I'll be seeing an allergist/immunologist soon about the chronic sinus infection and the possible-MCAS stuff too. I was previously seen nearly a decade ago by an allergist/immunologist and that's when I found out about the chronic sinus infection thing, I did a bunch of antibiotics and a vaccine but it never totally resolved the issue and the infections are becoming a quarterly event again. I had basically no titers for Strep pneumoniae. Sorry for any unnecessary info, there's just a lot been going on, particularly since around January, and I'm just so in it that I feel like I'm drowning. I was seeing an allergist for a couple months around March but all of my loved ones hate him, my patient advocate says he's an asshole, and my best friend wants to fistfight him, to give you an idea of what kind of doctor he is.
I've had food issues since I was a teenager and the stomach bug, I became lactose intolerant/dairy allergic a year or two later. I got covid January 2022 (was vaccinated and boosted) and by mid March I decided to cut beef out of my diet entirely because eating it was agony. Basically my GI symptoms were constant but manageable when I became an adult, but after I got covid they drastically worsened back to the level of when I was a teen, and things have gotten worse since then. I started reacting to more and more foods and my triggers had already been mostly a mystery. I lost around 20% of my bodyweight in three months I think during that time, and my weight has been unstable in a 15lb range since then, when it's been pretty stable otherwise my whole life. My GI insisted that even though vomiting and weight loss aren't typical of IBS-D that my symptom presentation is typical enough that it's fine and not worth investigating. I had a colonoscopy/endoscopy last year and it was all normal excepting the hernia.
Last year around July I picked up a cross stitch hobby and forgot that needles probably have nickel in them. I started reacting within a week (hives, dyshidrotic eczema) and immediately started following my normal protocol when I've had too much nickel exposure, cutting out all suspect metal contact with the exception of house fixtures since that's always been sufficient in the past. It took a year for things to calm down after my first really bad nickel flare but I've been able to manage it before. Well, it didn't work this time and I remained super reactive. I was also stung a couple times by bees during this time, I was allergic to them as an adolescent but seemed normal this time. I started getting hives constantly, my stomach was an absolute disaster, my face and chest were flushed and I developed a minor rash on my face, my IST/POTS is normally fairly well controlled but I've been more symptomatic (my electrophysiologist has raised my ivabradine to compensate). Anyway, I ended up in the ER early February because I just couldn't eat or hydrate and even when I have to stop eating for a couple days so my gut will calm tf down I've always been able to tolerate water. I've also had a marked increase in my respiratory infections the past couple years. They never really went away and I did have a few years where I was getting bronchitis instead of sinus infections, but they've become much more frequent, though I do routinely get pretty sick when I'm feeling rundown. Idk if I'm just so run ragged that's why I'm getting sick or what. I also WFH and have become, well, a bit of a shut-in, so I'm not exposed to other peoples' illness as much, though my husband does interact with people with his work.
I got prescribed an epipen by my PCP a couple days after the ER, I'd never had one before. I started Allegra and Pepcid once a day on my own, my PCP got me an emergency appointment with an allergist who raised me to twice a day. Pepcid has had the single greatest and most positive impact on my gut symptoms to date, it's kind of maddening. Here I was thinking the anti-spasmodic my GI put me on was a miracle drug, and Pepcid of all things has had more of an effect with less side effects. I was taking azelastaine and Flonase (as needed) but the azelastaine made my nose bleed and I hate how they make me feel so I was told to stop.
The asshole allergist acknowledged that I might have MCAS or systemic nickel allergy syndrome but also said I definitely don't have it because my tryptase came back only slightly elevated twice and SNAS is incredibly rare. I know that that's a bad reason to rule out MCAS but I just don't know what to think or believe. He also said he thinks I have "too much histamine in [my] gut" on a phone call but when I asked him about it at my next appointment he claimed he didn't remember saying that and refused to discuss it further. He doesn't think I'm allergic to dairy (bloodwork came back .25 kU/L) because it would be super rare to have developed a dairy allergy and it not be congenital. I told him I wanted to do an oral challenge (based on several studies, I didn't just come up with it for no reason), he said there was no point and I could just drink milk at home and see what happens, I told him I knew that I would immediately and violently vomit because that's always what happens if I drink regular milk, he said okay then I should avoid lactose (which I already do) and he guesses I could avoid dairy entirely if I want to make my life even more difficult. I hate him. His resident tested me for common variable immunodeficiency, those levels are normal which she said is reassuring. My total IgE has been floating around 95-110, which I guess is abnormal enough to remark upon but also not indicative of anything? My new ENT (sinus specialist) said I almost certainly am allergic to dairy. She was very insistent that I not see asshole allergist anymore and I'm gonna see an allergist she works closely with "on cases like mine". She suggested I have a MCAD and said I may need to start taking a biologic like Xolair, but that's up to the allergist. I'd heard of it because of this sub but I did some more reading and it seems like an awfully intense medication considering all the ???? surrounding me, and I didn't know it's an injection. She put me on a pretty intense antibiotic sinus rinse and oral antibiotic regimen for the next 4-6 weeks and recommended I add a probiotic, I chose the Seeking Health probiota histamineX one. I think it's helping but it could be I recovered well after the antibiotic bomb to treat the most severe sinus infection I've ever had in my entire goddamn life a couple weeks ago.
I have no goddamn clue what is happening to me. Like, I've been a polypharm patient for half my life, but this is getting truly ridiculous. I had to add a potassium supplement because I had to stop eating bananas and the POTS stuff made the lack very noticeable, I can't eat chocolate, if I even look at beef it comes for my soul, now that I know I have a house dust mite allergy I need to worry about developing a shellfish allergy if I don't already have one and I know it sounds stupid but having to give up sushi and seafood makes me want to cry, I've already had to give up so much. The only reason I'm not surviving on like, rice right now is because my husband is the best home cook that's ever existed. I'm putting my cats on an additive to neutralize their dander. It would be insanely cost-prohibitive to dehumidify our home, I live in an extremely humid environment. Raising the ivabradine brought back the light phosphenes so now I can't drive at night again, the antihistamines make me drowsy. I had to have my birth control implant changed because the end of its life + covid booster late last year has had me bleeding constantly since then so I had to replace it early so on top of all this other BULLSHIT I'm bleeding too. I'm up to 17 pills a day and the antibiotic rinse which I've realized I literally cannot bring myself to do. I have a phobia of drowning or suffocating and I didn't think twice a day for a month would be so much worse than what I did before (once a day for two weeks), but I just can't do it, I really can't, I've been trying and doing it but it's just so fucking stressful. I'm incredibly fortunate to have the job that I do, because I don't know how I'd be employed with a less understanding boss. I've been having weekly breakdowns if I think about all of this too personally, I bought Dr Afrin's book and read part of it but now it seems more like I might have histamine intolerance than MCAS? I want to read more but I'm just so overwhelmed. Idek if I belong here.
I know I probably have EDS, it's been getting brought up since I was a teenager. I know I have POTS, I knew MCAS was a possibility when I first learned about it, about four or five years ago. I've had weird allergy issues for a long time. I know that doctors lie and gaslight and that asshole allergist was literally trying to gaslight me right in front of my husband, but I also worry that I'm... borrowing trouble? Doctors said I might have EDS and me and my advocate and the referral department tried everything to get any genetics clinic in the state to see me, or to get me to see another specialist who would actually look at the diagnostic criteria and it didn't work. Not even a HSD consideration. I'm scared that's going to happen now, that everyone's gonna give up and I'm gonna have no choice but to give up, when I'm so unstable. I tried to cut back on the Allegra and started developing hives again within 24 hours. I thought, because I'd been feeling more and more better as I've been on the antihistamines that maybe I'd have more breathing room, I guess? Now I feel like I've been on the edge of a cliff but thought I was six feet back. And if this is me, medicated, so unstable that lowering my Allegra dosage had such an immediate response, where the fuck was I before then??
Idk what I'm doing here. I originally made this post because there was another one that mentioned medical alert bracelets and idk if I should get one? I don't want to get one and then forget I'm wearing it and go to a doctor appointment and have them flip out on me. You guys might tell me that this is not a possible MCAS thing at all. I want to be safe, but I don't want to damage what credibility I have with my doctors and I know I already look bad with all the problems and medications. I am aware that I'm not really able to think clearly about this stuff. When asshole allergist was going on about the tryptase and getting another test (that he was 100% sure would be normal) I did seriously consider going to town on all the stuff that makes me sick before and during the specimen collection. My husband said no though, and he's not super medically aware outside of my dietary requirements.
Can someone please give me a reality check? Part of me worries that I'm not even actually that sick and my doctors are just throwing stuff at me to shut me up. I'm terrified they're gonna change my meds again, I've had so many new meds and dosage changes, they're usually always so careful to not change too many things at once. I'm also worried that I'm underreacting and my doctors up until the ENT sinus specialist haven't been educated enough to give me a clear idea of the risks.
My meds are: - Omeprazole 40mg (intending to lower back to 20mg bc of the Pepcid) - Bupropion XL 300mg - Klonopin .5mg (Respectfully, I don't want to hear anything about stopping this. That's the goal, it's just not advisable atm and I agree with the three docs who want to keep me on it for now.) - Adderall ER 20mg as needed - Famotidine 20mg twice a day - Ivabradine 7.5mg twice a day - Metoprolol 25mg twice a day - Fexofenadine 180mg two pills twice a day - Potassium supplement - Vit D supplement - Seeking Health Probiota HistamineX 10 billion CFU - Antibiotic

Today was ROUGH. I was so incredibly tired all day that I could barely look through social media during my break because my mental energy was so depleted. I took 15mg Adderall before my shift and I had 340mg caffeine throughout the morning (I spaced out the caffeine and Adderall to avoid interaction) but it was like I hadn't slept and hadn't had any stimulants at all. I kept making "careless" mistakes at work, like messing up a regular customer's order. They have been getting the same drink for probably a year. The combination of CFS, PTSD, and inattentive ADHD feels like a cruel joke. I get confused and distracted so easily and it's really difficult for me to make simple decisions a lot of the time. Basic communication can be a huge struggle. I'm 24 and I often feel like I have the physical and cognitive capabilities of a senior citizen. Many people have a bad short term memory but a strong long term or middle term memory, but I don't even have that. The current severity of my illness makes it so much harder when people don't believe or don't care about what I'm going through. I'm giving my two weeks notice tomorrow or the next day but I don't even know if I can make it through two more weeks of work unscathed. I don't even know how I'll get through the next two days. Wish me luck 😅

The Baclofen would be my alternative to alcohol with Klonopin.
I recently started on .5 mg Klonopin which I intend on taking once daily for the next 2 years. Besides this, I also take 10 mg Adderall daily (for my ADHD), and 10 mg Propranolol 3-4 times weekly (for my social anxiety).
Yes, I’ve done lots and lots of therapy weekly for many years, and am extremely well-read on the risks of daily Klonopin. Despite this, I’ve decided to go forward with daily Klonopin — at no dose greater than .5 mg. My reason for wanting to include 10 mg Baclofen now is to achieve even greater relief from social anxiety. Previously, alcohol would do this via a beer on rare occasion, but I’ve always been a sober person and alcohol isn’t a route I’m ever going to consider for relief from social anxiety.
The .5 mg Klonopin has been such a clutch though. It’s like I can live again. I can be me. I can be around others, including my immediate family. Underneath the crippling social anxiety, I actually am outgoing, hilarious, pleasant, personable, and charismatic — and can outshine and excel in professional and academic environments. I’ve done so before, many years ago, after all.
Baclofen was prescribed to me a few months ago as a safer alternative to Klonopin, and it honestly works well, but not as well as Klonopin.
For those curious, my social anxiety situation is so severe and crippling that it previously has cost me posh lofty jobs I obtained from my (then outstanding) credentials and achievement, but years ago was let go because of how out of hand my social anxiety was in workplace setting. My career for years then went on a standstill before I broke through in my highest paying white collar job I have now that’s entirely remote. How my social anxiety manifests is, when seeing extended family, friends (who I don’t see often because of this condition), coworkers — heck, just being in an office setting around other people, or talking on the phone where others can hear me, my heart rate exponentially increase and so too my breathing, my face with tense up entirely and begin trembling to where I struggle smiling or having normal facial expressions. My arms and legs will tremble too. And then the awful racing thoughts about just how anxious I’m appearing at the moment, and seeing how uncomfortable the person interacting with me or those around me are at how unwell I am further leads to aforementioned symptoms continuing and escalating.
Additionally, for further context about me: I’m really fit, have an excellent exercise regimen, get sunlight and immerse myself in lush green spaces (that includes creek and lake) every day, and for years now have been devoted to eating healthy (think Mediterranean diet, but all organic and without bread or added sugar). Of course will have a cheat meal from time to time. But this is me!
All that said, would including my little Baclofen dose with my Klonopin be a safe thing? How risky would this be? My prescribing med manager told me to not take them together — not specifying why I shouldn’t. Doing some searching online and nothing suggesting seriously risky comes up.

It would be my alternative to alcohol with Klonopin.
I recently started on .5 mg Klonopin which I intend on taking once daily for the next 2 years. Besides this, I also take 10 mg Adderall daily (for my ADHD), and 10 mg Propranolol 3-4 times weekly (for my social anxiety).
Yes, I’ve done lots and lots of therapy weekly for many years, and am extremely well-read on the risks of daily Klonopin. Despite this, I’ve decided to go forward with daily Klonopin — at no dose greater than .5 mg. My reason for wanting to include 10 mg Baclofen now is to achieve even greater relief from social anxiety. Previously, alcohol would do this via a beer on rare occasion, but I’ve always been a sober person and alcohol isn’t a route I’m ever going to consider for relief from social anxiety.
Baclofen was prescribed to me a few months ago as a safer alternative to Klonopin, and it honestly works well, but not as well as Klonopin.
The .5 mg Klonopin has been such a clutch though. It’s like I can live again. I can be me. I can be around others, including my immediate family. Underneath the crippling social anxiety, I actually am outgoing, hilarious, pleasant, personable, and charismatic — and can outshine and excel in professional and academic environments. I’ve done so before, many years ago, after all.
For those curious, my social anxiety situation is so severe and crippling that it previously has cost me posh lofty jobs I obtained from my (then outstanding) credentials and achievement, but years ago was let go because of how out of hand my social anxiety was in workplace setting. My career for years then went on a standstill before I broke through in my highest paying white collar job I have now that’s entirely remote. How my social anxiety manifests is, when seeing extended family, friends (who I don’t see often because of this condition), coworkers — heck, just being in an office setting around other people, or talking on the phone where others can hear me, my heart rate exponentially increase and so too my breathing, my face with tense up entirely and begin trembling to where I struggle smiling or having normal facial expressions. My arms and legs will tremble too. And then the awful racing thoughts about just how anxious I’m appearing at the moment, and seeing how uncomfortable the person interacting with me or those around me are at how unwell I am further leads to aforementioned symptoms continuing and escalating.
Additionally, for further context about me: I’m really fit, have an excellent exercise regimen, get sunlight and immerse myself in lush green spaces (that includes creek and lake) every day, and for years now have been devoted to eating healthy (think Mediterranean diet, but all organic and without bread or added sugar). Of course will have a cheat meal from time to time. But this is me!
All that said, would including my little Baclofen dose with my Klonopin be a safe thing? How risky would this be? My prescribing med manager told me to not take them together — not specifying why I shouldn’t. Doing some searching online and nothing suggesting seriously risky comes up.

I'm finally trying medication for issues that I thought were related to ADHD, but it has me questioning my ADHD diagnosis altogether. I'm currently awake at 3:00AM unable to fall asleep because I'm physically so emotional and can't stop crying off and on. I'm miserable.
I didn't really want to try stimulants because my nervous system is already really sensitive, but the doctor wanted to start with Adderall to see how my brain reacted to it. The first two days were awful at a super low dose. My heart rate went up like crazy and I just felt jittery and like I had slammed a couple of energy drinks. The third day I tried taking it with a beta blocker which solved the heart rate issue, but I noticed headaches and when it would wear off in the evening I would feel like crap. Just this wave of depression and irritation would hit me and I'd be on the verge of tears.
I had a call with the doctor today and told him what I've experienced so far and said once again that I don't know if stimulants are right for me. He was happy that the beta blocker worked to fix the heart rate symptoms and wanted me to keep playing around with the Adderall. He said the emotional crash at night suggests I might benefit from adding an SSRI (which I also don't want to take and I know my genetics make me at an increased risk of side effects from SSRIs) but that we can discuss that at our next meeting.
After hearing him sounding hopeful that I might need to just play around with the dose more and stick it out, I tried 5mg of Adderall again today. Not only did it just make me fixate even harder on my interests and not on my work (so I got nothing done that I needed to), but it made me pick my lip and skin like crazy and now I can't sleep despite taking it over 12 hours ago. I just feel awful. Ive been crying off and on for the last two hours, which never usually happens to me.
I really am starting to feel like I might be primarily autistic and going through autistic burnout (I'm diagnosed as ASD level 1). My main issues are hyperfixating on/endlessly researching things that interest me and having a very hard time pulling away or thinking about anything else in order to get things done that I need to. This leads to procrastination at work, with household chores, etc. I also have harmful stims like picking my lip that I'd like to work on being better about or replacing with something healthier. And my heart rate and anxiety are usually pretty high throughout the day, particularly if I have to rush to be on time for something or interact with people I'm not close with. Adderall straight up amplified all these things which makes my life a lot worse.
I am considering just stopping med trials all together, but feel weird because it's only been about 2 weeks. Every drug I have researched seems like it has side effects that I'm not sure are outweighed by the benefits. I was hoping to try something that might calm my nervous system and give me a slight dopamine or serotonin boost to make boring tasks just more pleasant to do and not as soul crushingly dreadful, but it doesn't seem like there's a good option. Has anyone had any luck? I have no clue what to do but I know I hate this feeling.
UPDATE for anyone who finds this post later: I decided to play around with a higher dose since I saw a few posts mentioning that lower doses gave them more symptoms and didn't help their focus and ADHD issues. I also decided to do whatever I could to try and alleviate the "crash" of the meds wearing off. I've realized that my brain actually responds much better to a higher dose (15mg)- I can finally read and things are much easier to just start and finish once it kicks in. But my body is not a huge fan since a higher dose equaled a higher heart rate, despite the beta blocker. That said, I'm giving it a few weeks to see if my body adjusts, and so far after 4 days of the same routine my heart rate is starting to level out and it's getting much better. So, here is what I'm currently trying and what is working well so far-
8am- low dose beta blocker + 15mg Adderall 11:30am- top off with 5mg Adderall ~2pm- take a l-tyrosine supplement to help dopamine levels during the crash ~4pm- drink a green tea or caffeine drink to help push me though the evening
Also drinking a TON of water, taking a multivitamin, and remembering to eat healthy meals.
I've felt much more emotionally stable and am able to fall asleep on time with this combo. I still have some side effects like stimming/skin picking/lip picking a lot more (my lip hates me right now). But I'm feeling better about sticking it out and playing around.

So I searched through the past posts and it seems like the idea of a "productivity hangover" after the meds wear off is pretty common.
For me, I describe it like this: NTs function at 70-90% executive function usually. My typical functioning is 40-60% with occasional intense spikes of 100% when I hyperfocus. When I take meds (Adderall, Ritalin, Dexadrine, Focalin....whatever) I function at 80-90% while the meds are in my system, but then I drop down to 20% once they've worn off.
Like once the meds wear off, I'm actually worse off than before.
That's usually not a big deal until I have to do work conferences or off-sites and I end up spending like 12-14 hours with the same group of people.
They see me in my day to day life and I'm typically unmedicated and so I'm a livewire of energy, bouncing ideas around, super talkative, etc etc.
Then they see me in this hyper-professional setting when I'm medicated and I am polished, calm, and verbally structured (instead of jumping around). I am able to meet people in the eye. I never interrupt. My livewire energy (which is typically perceived as anxiety or nervousness) is gone, and I'm just a confident, concise, and articulate professional.
But then the "mandatory fun" afterwards is an absolute mess. We'll do a team dinner and happy hour, and any good will I might have gained by knocking it out of the park earlier in the day is totally lost. By team dinner, I'm at my 20%: I'm rambling nonstop, my emotions are too big, my indoor voice is totally gone, I'm fidgety, I derail conversations. I look like an absolute mess.
I don't want to take another pill late in the day because then I won't sleep and I'll actually be even worse the next day. I also don't feel like I can rebuff the social events because when the company is spending several hundreds or thousands of dollars for networking purposes, I am obligated to stay. It's literally part of the job. But I can also feel the respect draining from everyone as they interact with me.
It's so embarrassing. I just got home from a 3 day conference and it was just this over and over. I'm so disappointed that I me'd too hard at people again.