Example of intent to hire letterj

Playing DBH. Alice is a badass. Particularly in Zlatko. If you fail multiple QTES she shows so much spirit and Agency. In her dialogue and actions. I found her bit too passive as the game continues. And it wasent the writers intention. But there is an unhealthy toxic nature developing between Alice and Kara. Instence Instance in Midnight Train. Alice like “don’t worry about me Kara, we need to get across the border”. And her conflict over the Android shutting down. Feels like she’s been manipulated by the unfair expectations being placed on her.
Kara is my favorite character through out the game. But have such. Soft spot for Alice. She’s underrated imo. And under utilized. Another example in “Crossroads”. I feel a missed opportunity when Lucy or Luther confronts Kara. I feel it could have been make emotionally powerful. If if was Alice. Imagine a scene upon discovering Alice true nature. She looks Kara in the eye and says “You need to accept me for who I am”. This would directly force Kara to confront her own prejudices. I feel her apologizing instead of just a hug. Would have deepened their bond.and would have mirrored the themes of the game. It would have been more profound. But again this was an example of Alice becoming more passive. And just surrendering to Kara’s arch.

The Following will be an introductory level article on “The Akashic Records”, for I feel this is a fundamentally important concept for the awakening individual to familiarize themselves with, as it can be one of our greatest metaphysical assets.
You can think of the Akashic Records as an accumulation of lessons (Conclusions), thoughts, ideas, energies, entities and knowledge in general… coming from all the lives that we have ever lived on our evolutionary cycle… A spiritual record of all that we are, have been, and will ever be… one which is Omnipresent, Ever Vigilant and Actively Communicable to the awakened Individual.
We all have a personal ~Akashic record~ which pertains to all the lives that we as an individual soul have incarnated, you could perhaps consider this to be somewhat synonymous with ones “Personal unconscious” … and then on a larger scale there is the ~Akashic records~ of the entire world, which you might say is synonymous with the ~“collective consciousness/Unconscious~” and could perhaps be described as an accumulated, ever-changing aggregate of all combined experiences and there underlaying factors, both physical and Non-Physical… both of which (Personal and Collective), are of course Intimately connected. The above-mentioned can be a priceless tool throughout our process of awakening, if one can cultivate the internal faculties necessary for tapping into its essence.
We can develop the ability to access and channel our “akashic records” for endless varieties of knowledge and insight, and there are many different degrees of being able to do so. Often times an individual will tap into the knowledge of the ~akashic records~ within everyday life without even knowing it, this is what is known as “Intuition” … Pulling entirely accurate and immediately applicable knowledge out of “Seemingly Nowhere”.
This form of Akashic Interpretation is one of a more “Information Transference” or you might say, “Channeled Insight” type Manifestation… where an Individual actively translates the Insight or Information in a split second based off of Circumstantial necessity and or Focused Intention upon a particular area of thought…
This Insight is received and experienced in many different ways, depending upon the Individual… Whether it be A Feeling, An Impulse of some kind, An inner Voice, A “Packed” or “Complete” Thought Form etc.
It is said that an “old soul” never has to learn the same lesson twice on their evolutionary process… this is because when we come across this “lesson” or circumstance again in our current incarnation, we recognize its energetic resonance in one way or the other, and are able to foresee the consequences, then either avoid or maneuver around it… for when this lesson shows its face again we do not have to “learn it” again, but rather “Remember it”. Intuition is an incredibly helpful and often times unnoticed degree of being able to tap into one’s akashic records... one which is easily brushed off as “Coincidences” and “Lucky Hunches”…
Though, for the developing clairvoyant there are many direct and in-depth methods of accessing these “~Akashic Records~” …
For example, when ones extra sensory perception is developed to a certain degree, they will start being able to visually perceive these Akashic records in their waking life… this happens through varying kinds of “Psychic Materializations” and or “spiritual apparitions” which result in knowledge and insight… Insight that one can see clearly with their eyes as if they were reading a physical book… Written and Painted upon the Surface of Time and Space like a Divine Mural which conveys the story of all Existence and Experience… including all events, both “Major” and “Seemingly Insignificant”… All deeds, both loving, Hateful and indifferent… All psychological developments, both beneficial and unbeneficial… ad well as the entities and non-physical factors which were the Animating cause behind all of the preciously stated physical phenomena.
The Visual Manifestation of this “Akashic Information” Is a Divinely Memorizing phenomena… to perceive layers upon layers of Information, in the form Symbols, Equations, Entities, Thought forms and Pictorial Conveyances…
The multifaceted, overlapping layers which one will perceive within this great complexity, makes it necessary for the Clairvoyant to develop, at the very least, the most basic form of Visual Discernment… meaning that they learn to “Draw Forth” One of the many layers of the overlapping image, so they might be able to better more efficiently Interpret its Symbolic Conveyance.
Those who have seen the movie “The Matrix”, have seen Hollywood’s New Aged, Technology-Driven depiction of this “Underlaying Code” A.K.A “Akashic Information”, which Interacts with and surrounds us constantly.
Though, speaking from the perspective of a true Visual Clairvoyant… I will say, while this Hollywoodized version of Akashic phenomena is generally speaking a good connection to the underlaying truth… this Akashic information is Endlessly more Mystical and Spiritually Symbolic in its Nature… and is not at all to be perceived in some “Purely Mathematical”, Technologically Inclined fashion.
There are also many Akashic Experiences and insight which can be” witnessed” and or attained through out of body experiences or even what some may look at as an “Inner voyage” ... though these are much more advanced methods that you can find in detail, within the Workings of Edgar Cayce.
This particular method is a much more, for lack of a better word, “Unconscious” manifestation of this Akashic Information… being that one is “Physically asleep and “Astrally Aware or Awake”, when this is experienced… Whereas in the Visual Clairvoyant, this Information can be directly perceived and Interpreted even in their waking life… Actively engaging or utilizing their Astral and Aetheric faculties, even while physically conscious.
Developing these extra sensory abilities will also make the accuracy and consistency of one’s regular (Non-visual/Circumstantial) Intuition, much more efficient within their daily Lives… Making stronger their Connection and Relationship with their Higher Nature.
We are constantly utilizing and as well adding to the akashic records and their unfoldment, all the time both personally and collectively… which is what makes this a greatly important concept for the Student of Esoteric Knowledge to delve into.

Much Love

Gage Timothy Kreps Ramirez -

The Following will be an introductory level article on “The Akashic Records”, for I feel this is a fundamentally important concept for the awakening individual to familiarize themselves with, as it can be one of our greatest metaphysical assets.
You can think of the Akashic Records as an accumulation of lessons (Conclusions), thoughts, ideas, energies, entities and knowledge in general… coming from all the lives that we have ever lived on our evolutionary cycle… A spiritual record of all that we are, have been, and will ever be… one which is Omnipresent, Ever Vigilant and Actively Communicable to the awakened Individual.
We all have a personal ~Akashic record~ which pertains to all the lives that we as an individual soul have incarnated, you could perhaps consider this to be somewhat synonymous with ones “Personal unconscious” … and then on a larger scale there is the ~Akashic records~ of the entire world, which you might say is synonymous with the ~“collective consciousness/Unconscious~” and could perhaps be described as an accumulated, ever-changing aggregate of all combined experiences and there underlaying factors, both physical and Non-Physical… both of which (Personal and Collective), are of course Intimately connected. The above-mentioned can be a priceless tool throughout our process of awakening, if one can cultivate the internal faculties necessary for tapping into its essence.
We can develop the ability to access and channel our “akashic records” for endless varieties of knowledge and insight, and there are many different degrees of being able to do so. Often times an individual will tap into the knowledge of the ~akashic records~ within everyday life without even knowing it, this is what is known as “Intuition” … Pulling entirely accurate and immediately applicable knowledge out of “Seemingly Nowhere”.
This form of Akashic Interpretation is one of a more “Information Transference” or you might say, “Channeled Insight” type Manifestation… where an Individual actively translates the Insight or Information in a split second based off of Circumstantial necessity and or Focused Intention upon a particular area of thought…
This Insight is received and experienced in many different ways, depending upon the Individual… Whether it be A Feeling, An Impulse of some kind, An inner Voice, A “Packed” or “Complete” Thought Form etc.
It is said that an “old soul” never has to learn the same lesson twice on their evolutionary process… this is because when we come across this “lesson” or circumstance again in our current incarnation, we recognize its energetic resonance in one way or the other, and are able to foresee the consequences, then either avoid or maneuver around it… for when this lesson shows its face again we do not have to “learn it” again, but rather “Remember it”. Intuition is an incredibly helpful and often times unnoticed degree of being able to tap into one’s akashic records... one which is easily brushed off as “Coincidences” and “Lucky Hunches”…
Though, for the developing clairvoyant there are many direct and in-depth methods of accessing these “~Akashic Records~” …
For example, when ones extra sensory perception is developed to a certain degree, they will start being able to visually perceive these Akashic records in their waking life… this happens through varying kinds of “Psychic Materializations” and or “spiritual apparitions” which result in knowledge and insight… Insight that one can see clearly with their eyes as if they were reading a physical book… Written and Painted upon the Surface of Time and Space like a Divine Mural which conveys the story of all Existence and Experience… including all events, both “Major” and “Seemingly Insignificant”… All deeds, both loving, Hateful and indifferent… All psychological developments, both beneficial and unbeneficial… ad well as the entities and non-physical factors which were the Animating cause behind all of the preciously stated physical phenomena.
The Visual Manifestation of this “Akashic Information” Is a Divinely Memorizing phenomena… to perceive layers upon layers of Information, in the form Symbols, Equations, Entities, Thought forms and Pictorial Conveyances…
The multifaceted, overlapping layers which one will perceive within this great complexity, makes it necessary for the Clairvoyant to develop, at the very least, the most basic form of Visual Discernment… meaning that they learn to “Draw Forth” One of the many layers of the overlapping image, so they might be able to better more efficiently Interpret its Symbolic Conveyance.
Those who have seen the movie “The Matrix”, have seen Hollywood’s New Aged, Technology-Driven depiction of this “Underlaying Code” A.K.A “Akashic Information”, which Interacts with and surrounds us constantly.
Though, speaking from the perspective of a true Visual Clairvoyant… I will say, while this Hollywoodized version of Akashic phenomena is generally speaking a good connection to the underlaying truth… this Akashic information is Endlessly more Mystical and Spiritually Symbolic in its Nature… and is not at all to be perceived in some “Purely Mathematical”, Technologically Inclined fashion.
There are also many Akashic Experiences and insight which can be” witnessed” and or attained through out of body experiences or even what some may look at as an “Inner voyage” ... though these are much more advanced methods that you can find in detail, within the Workings of Edgar Cayce.
This particular method is a much more, for lack of a better word, “Unconscious” manifestation of this Akashic Information… being that one is “Physically asleep and “Astrally Aware or Awake”, when this is experienced… Whereas in the Visual Clairvoyant, this Information can be directly perceived and Interpreted even in their waking life… Actively engaging or utilizing their Astral and Aetheric faculties, even while physically conscious.
Developing these extra sensory abilities will also make the accuracy and consistency of one’s regular (Non-visual/Circumstantial) Intuition, much more efficient within their daily Lives… Making stronger their Connection and Relationship with their Higher Nature.
We are constantly utilizing and as well adding to the akashic records and their unfoldment, all the time both personally and collectively… which is what makes this a greatly important concept for the Student of Esoteric Knowledge to delve into.

Much Love

Gage Timothy Kreps Ramirez -

The Following will be an introductory level article on “The Akashic Records”, for I feel this is a fundamentally important concept for the awakening individual to familiarize themselves with, as it can be one of our greatest metaphysical assets.
You can think of the Akashic Records as an accumulation of lessons (Conclusions), thoughts, ideas, energies, entities and knowledge in general… coming from all the lives that we have ever lived on our evolutionary cycle… A spiritual record of all that we are, have been, and will ever be… one which is Omnipresent, Ever Vigilant and Actively Communicable to the awakened Individual.
We all have a personal ~Akashic record~ which pertains to all the lives that we as an individual soul have incarnated, you could perhaps consider this to be somewhat synonymous with ones “Personal unconscious” … and then on a larger scale there is the ~Akashic records~ of the entire world, which you might say is synonymous with the ~“collective consciousness/Unconscious~” and could perhaps be described as an accumulated, ever-changing aggregate of all combined experiences and there underlaying factors, both physical and Non-Physical… both of which (Personal and Collective), are of course Intimately connected. The above-mentioned can be a priceless tool throughout our process of awakening, if one can cultivate the internal faculties necessary for tapping into its essence.
We can develop the ability to access and channel our “akashic records” for endless varieties of knowledge and insight, and there are many different degrees of being able to do so. Often times an individual will tap into the knowledge of the ~akashic records~ within everyday life without even knowing it, this is what is known as “Intuition” … Pulling entirely accurate and immediately applicable knowledge out of “Seemingly Nowhere”.
This form of Akashic Interpretation is one of a more “Information Transference” or you might say, “Channeled Insight” type Manifestation… where an Individual actively translates the Insight or Information in a split second based off of Circumstantial necessity and or Focused Intention upon a particular area of thought…
This Insight is received and experienced in many different ways, depending upon the Individual… Whether it be A Feeling, An Impulse of some kind, An inner Voice, A “Packed” or “Complete” Thought Form etc.
It is said that an “old soul” never has to learn the same lesson twice on their evolutionary process… this is because when we come across this “lesson” or circumstance again in our current incarnation, we recognize its energetic resonance in one way or the other, and are able to foresee the consequences, then either avoid or maneuver around it… for when this lesson shows its face again we do not have to “learn it” again, but rather “Remember it”. Intuition is an incredibly helpful and often times unnoticed degree of being able to tap into one’s akashic records... one which is easily brushed off as “Coincidences” and “Lucky Hunches”…
Though, for the developing clairvoyant there are many direct and in-depth methods of accessing these “~Akashic Records~” …
For example, when ones extra sensory perception is developed to a certain degree, they will start being able to visually perceive these Akashic records in their waking life… this happens through varying kinds of “Psychic Materializations” and or “spiritual apparitions” which result in knowledge and insight… Insight that one can see clearly with their eyes as if they were reading a physical book… Written and Painted upon the Surface of Time and Space like a Divine Mural which conveys the story of all Existence and Experience… including all events, both “Major” and “Seemingly Insignificant”… All deeds, both loving, Hateful and indifferent… All psychological developments, both beneficial and unbeneficial… ad well as the entities and non-physical factors which were the Animating cause behind all of the preciously stated physical phenomena.
The Visual Manifestation of this “Akashic Information” Is a Divinely Memorizing phenomena… to perceive layers upon layers of Information, in the form Symbols, Equations, Entities, Thought forms and Pictorial Conveyances…
The multifaceted, overlapping layers which one will perceive within this great complexity, makes it necessary for the Clairvoyant to develop, at the very least, the most basic form of Visual Discernment… meaning that they learn to “Draw Forth” One of the many layers of the overlapping image, so they might be able to better more efficiently Interpret its Symbolic Conveyance.
Those who have seen the movie “The Matrix”, have seen Hollywood’s New Aged, Technology-Driven depiction of this “Underlaying Code” A.K.A “Akashic Information”, which Interacts with and surrounds us constantly.
Though, speaking from the perspective of a true Visual Clairvoyant… I will say, while this Hollywoodized version of Akashic phenomena is generally speaking a good connection to the underlaying truth… this Akashic information is Endlessly more Mystical and Spiritually Symbolic in its Nature… and is not at all to be perceived in some “Purely Mathematical”, Technologically Inclined fashion.
There are also many Akashic Experiences and insight which can be” witnessed” and or attained through out of body experiences or even what some may look at as an “Inner voyage” ... though these are much more advanced methods that you can find in detail, within the Workings of Edgar Cayce.
This particular method is a much more, for lack of a better word, “Unconscious” manifestation of this Akashic Information… being that one is “Physically asleep and “Astrally Aware or Awake”, when this is experienced… Whereas in the Visual Clairvoyant, this Information can be directly perceived and Interpreted even in their waking life… Actively engaging or utilizing their Astral and Aetheric faculties, even while physically conscious.
Developing these extra sensory abilities will also make the accuracy and consistency of one’s regular (Non-visual/Circumstantial) Intuition, much more efficient within their daily Lives… Making stronger their Connection and Relationship with their Higher Nature.
We are constantly utilizing and as well adding to the akashic records and their unfoldment, all the time both personally and collectively… which is what makes this a greatly important concept for the Student of Esoteric Knowledge to delve into.

Much Love

Gage Timothy Kreps Ramirez -

The Following will be an introductory level article on “The Akashic Records”, for I feel this is a fundamentally important concept for the awakening individual to familiarize themselves with, as it can be one of our greatest metaphysical assets.
You can think of the Akashic Records as an accumulation of lessons (Conclusions), thoughts, ideas, energies, entities and knowledge in general… coming from all the lives that we have ever lived on our evolutionary cycle… A spiritual record of all that we are, have been, and will ever be… one which is Omnipresent, Ever Vigilant and Actively Communicable to the awakened Individual.
We all have a personal ~Akashic record~ which pertains to all the lives that we as an individual soul have incarnated, you could perhaps consider this to be somewhat synonymous with ones “Personal unconscious” … and then on a larger scale there is the ~Akashic records~ of the entire world, which you might say is synonymous with the ~“collective consciousness/Unconscious~” and could perhaps be described as an accumulated, ever-changing aggregate of all combined experiences and there underlaying factors, both physical and Non-Physical… both of which (Personal and Collective), are of course Intimately connected. The above-mentioned can be a priceless tool throughout our process of awakening, if one can cultivate the internal faculties necessary for tapping into its essence.
We can develop the ability to access and channel our “akashic records” for endless varieties of knowledge and insight, and there are many different degrees of being able to do so. Often times an individual will tap into the knowledge of the ~akashic records~ within everyday life without even knowing it, this is what is known as “Intuition” … Pulling entirely accurate and immediately applicable knowledge out of “Seemingly Nowhere”.
This form of Akashic Interpretation is one of a more “Information Transference” or you might say, “Channeled Insight” type Manifestation… where an Individual actively translates the Insight or Information in a split second based off of Circumstantial necessity and or Focused Intention upon a particular area of thought…
This Insight is received and experienced in many different ways, depending upon the Individual… Whether it be A Feeling, An Impulse of some kind, An inner Voice, A “Packed” or “Complete” Thought Form etc.
It is said that an “old soul” never has to learn the same lesson twice on their evolutionary process… this is because when we come across this “lesson” or circumstance again in our current incarnation, we recognize its energetic resonance in one way or the other, and are able to foresee the consequences, then either avoid or maneuver around it… for when this lesson shows its face again we do not have to “learn it” again, but rather “Remember it”. Intuition is an incredibly helpful and often times unnoticed degree of being able to tap into one’s akashic records... one which is easily brushed off as “Coincidences” and “Lucky Hunches”…
Though, for the developing clairvoyant there are many direct and in-depth methods of accessing these “~Akashic Records~” …
For example, when ones extra sensory perception is developed to a certain degree, they will start being able to visually perceive these Akashic records in their waking life… this happens through varying kinds of “Psychic Materializations” and or “spiritual apparitions” which result in knowledge and insight… Insight that one can see clearly with their eyes as if they were reading a physical book… Written and Painted upon the Surface of Time and Space like a Divine Mural which conveys the story of all Existence and Experience… including all events, both “Major” and “Seemingly Insignificant”… All deeds, both loving, Hateful and indifferent… All psychological developments, both beneficial and unbeneficial… ad well as the entities and non-physical factors which were the Animating cause behind all of the preciously stated physical phenomena.
The Visual Manifestation of this “Akashic Information” Is a Divinely Memorizing phenomena… to perceive layers upon layers of Information, in the form Symbols, Equations, Entities, Thought forms and Pictorial Conveyances…
The multifaceted, overlapping layers which one will perceive within this great complexity, makes it necessary for the Clairvoyant to develop, at the very least, the most basic form of Visual Discernment… meaning that they learn to “Draw Forth” One of the many layers of the overlapping image, so they might be able to better more efficiently Interpret its Symbolic Conveyance.
Those who have seen the movie “The Matrix”, have seen Hollywood’s New Aged, Technology-Driven depiction of this “Underlaying Code” A.K.A “Akashic Information”, which Interacts with and surrounds us constantly.
Though, speaking from the perspective of a true Visual Clairvoyant… I will say, while this Hollywoodized version of Akashic phenomena is generally speaking a good connection to the underlaying truth… this Akashic information is Endlessly more Mystical and Spiritually Symbolic in its Nature… and is not at all to be perceived in some “Purely Mathematical”, Technologically Inclined fashion.
There are also many Akashic Experiences and insight which can be” witnessed” and or attained through out of body experiences or even what some may look at as an “Inner voyage” ... though these are much more advanced methods that you can find in detail, within the Workings of Edgar Cayce.
This particular method is a much more, for lack of a better word, “Unconscious” manifestation of this Akashic Information… being that one is “Physically asleep and “Astrally Aware or Awake”, when this is experienced… Whereas in the Visual Clairvoyant, this Information can be directly perceived and Interpreted even in their waking life… Actively engaging or utilizing their Astral and Aetheric faculties, even while physically conscious.
Developing these extra sensory abilities will also make the accuracy and consistency of one’s regular (Non-visual/Circumstantial) Intuition, much more efficient within their daily Lives… Making stronger their Connection and Relationship with their Higher Nature.
We are constantly utilizing and as well adding to the akashic records and their unfoldment, all the time both personally and collectively… which is what makes this a greatly important concept for the Student of Esoteric Knowledge to delve into.

Much Love

Gage Timothy Kreps Ramirez -

I've been a substitute teacher for the past 3 years in my city's district. While doing this I've been going to school full time to be a teacher, what better way to get acclimated to the profession than to work in it as much as possible so you're more ready for it when you're hired, right? The harder you work, the more flexible you are, the more admin will notice, right? This is what I was lead to believe from my teaching school. I'm sure it was well-intentioned to us, but in the past months, I've come to believe that wasn't quite the case.
For perspective, my emphasis is mainly secondary social studies, I love history and teaching it to youth, it something I feel personally called to do. But however in those past 3 years I came to love teaching elementary too from consistent field experience subbing all grades K-12. So I applied for jobs in both my main field of study and elementary.
The hiring window has come and gone and I didn't get any interviews at all in my main field of study, and only made it too a pool interview for K-5. I discussed things with the assistant superintendent and the reasons I didn't get hired through to k-5 were for things that were pretty petty and not fully true. Which was one thing, but what was really dejecting was not getting any interviews in the area I was most qualified in, especially since I put time and effort into those places and went above and beyond in my subbing and student teaching to provide the best possible classroom environment I could (I have had great relationships with all the students and they are excited to have me in class as there teacher).
TBH I don't know what administration is even looking for anymore when they hire teachers, why wouldn't they at least give a chance to a candidate they know and trust? Unless someone has it out for me? I'm not the only one who's experienced this for the record my buddy graduated with me in the same field and he also didn't get any interviews, and he put in time as a great ST and a long term sub.
Tying in with the beginning, part of me feels like I may have damaged my reputation with my district by subbing consistently. Upon the assistant superintendents interpretation, it feels like with working as a sub for a long time, admin will pigeon hole little things about you as a candidate and miss the big picture of why you're a great choice, through consistency, friendliness, patience with students, and positive role modeling. I may have been better not subbing at all and straight applying with no knowledge yo admin of who I am or what I'm like. That seems to be what they prefer in my district, shots in the dark, instead of what's right in front of them.
For the record, my district is ultra competitive when it comes to teacher benefits and salaries, so I'm not totally surprised on how difficult it is to get hired, just confused as to why I'm not even considered a suitable candidate?

I would say that I’m not a social person. I like texting over calling, maybe cause if my social anxiety but also cause I like thinking about what I’m gonna say before I say it. I feel less awkward over text. But even with texting, it takes a lot of social battery out of me, especially when I have a lot going on in my life.
I recently started a new job as a server and it’s taken up a lot of my time, more than I expected. When I’m at work, it gets so busy that I barely have time to use the bathroom, let alone check my phone. Any free time I have at work I spend on bathroom breaks or ordering food since I’m there all day and don’t bring food with me. Sometimes I don’t get off until late at night, close to 11. One friend of mine in particular keeps expressing that they’re upset that I’m not responding to their texts (take hours to respond, sometimes won’t respond for “15 hours” or more). I feel bad, genuinely, because I don’t want my friends to think that I’m ignoring them or don’t want to talk to them. But whenever I get home from work, I’m so tired I barely have energy for social interaction, even if it is just texting. I continuously explain why I’m not responding, and assure them it’s not intentional, but my apologies seem insincere because the lag in my responses are so frequent. This one friend in particular I’ve had an extensive history with keeps bringing this up. Used to be a thing, broke it off a year ago, and things just haven’t been the same since. I hate this sense of obligation to still be “best friends” with them and text/talk to them 24/7 like we used to, mainly because I’m still a little hurt over stuff that happened in the past and feel like it’s hard to remain close friends with someone I’ve had such a deep history with that no longer exists and never will in the future. They keep bringing up how they’re upset that I take forever to respond (for example, they texted me last night at 1am, didn’t respond til an hour ago at 11pm when I got home from work), and I feel so awful about it and know I’m in the wrong for apologizing so often since they’ve told me it seems insincere, but the apologies are genuine on my side, I just don’t know what else to say to them at this point.
I feel like they also just don’t understand that my expectations for friendship with them since the relationship has ended are very different now. This is something we’ve already discussed, recently, actually. It feels like there’s this expectation in their side that I should be texting them at least every other hour, which is something I would only do with a very close friend or soneone I’m in a romantic relationship with.
Am I in the wrong for taking so long to respond? I don’t want them to feel neglected, but I’m genuinely not on my phone like I used to be anymore, social interaction is draining for me in the first place, and work gets so exhausting and hectic that I feel like I don’t have the time to text like I used to.

Does anyone have info about being hired into the San Francisco Bay Area as a CBPO? I am already living and established here with no intention to move. How likely is it that I’ll do my medical/fitness/polygraph locally? I know of the airport obviously, but does a CBPO work in any other capacity in the area? I have a pretty good idea of all the steps in the process, just looking for local area knowledge. Thanks!

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've formally made sort of an "update" on my life and stuff. So, I'm gonna do that now because I just felt the time was right haha.
Basically, I can confirm with overwhelming confidence that I am indeed aroace. What is that, you ask? Basically, for me, it means that I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. It might be a little hard to believe after looking through my profile haha, but I can explain it pretty well.
So, romantic and sexual attraction typically refers to attraction towards another person as a whole, in my opinion. I do not experience either as I'm not attracted to people, but I have looked at cock pics and have commented on posts involving a man's genitals. And to that I say that I'm not attracted to the person, I just think the cock looks cool, and I just want to let the person know that. I don't get horny or anything from looking at cocks. I actually have zero interest in the person at all because of this. But this took a very long time to explore, understand, and accept this identity after pretty much living the life prior to.
I have grown up believing that there is a somebody for everyone in this world. Pretty much saying that everyone will have a romantic partner in their life. The purpose for humanity is to reproduce and expand our influence which kind of made some fucky wucky with my brain. People learning about relationships in middle school, people exploring relationships in high school (as well as having sex), and people forming long-term relationships in college/uni. I kind felt ostracized, and the teasing didn't help either.
I pretty much spent a large portion of my life thinking there was something wrong with me simply because I didn't find anyone attractive enough to date or have just have sex with. Until one fateful night I opened up about this to someone in a discord vc and they pretty much told me that I might just be aroace. I looked it up and the gears started turning, the flips started switching and for once in my life I felt understood and it was from a fucking Google search lol.
So, at that point I had already confirmed that I was aromantic but I wasn't sure about the asexual part because I had never had sex so I didn't know if I would be into it or not. Saving everyone the block of text, I didn't have to have sex to see if I was sexually attracted to other people or not. I settled for just looking at cock pics online and voila I made this account to have ez access to cocks but over time I started to understand that I'm just not attracted to people in any way after the countless attempts of sexting and looking at nudes and trying to masturbate. Just didn't work out at all. Not my thing, and that is okay!
In conclusion, I think it's important for me to essentially not involve myself with getting frisky with people because 1. it sets an incorrect example for others and 2. it's not my intention any longer. I think I will still continue to look at cocks time from time because cocks are cool and I like seeing all the different ones. I enjoy helping men be more comfortable with their size and whatnot. I like giving unbiased "ratings" or whatever.
If you read all of this, thank you so much for taking the effort to understand my rambling nonsense haha. I would give you a pat on the back if I could. I know it was a lot and honestly if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Please ask. Okay bye.

I’m 27 years old, and currently am a Front Office Manager at an independently owned mid size hotel making 55K per year. I was working at the hotel at the front desk as I was finishing college and once I got my degree I began to move up and I’m at the position I am now.
Hospitality was never my intention and my degree is in International Business, however, I was lucky to have a very good mentor who taught me so much in hospitality and general business, accounting etc. I currently handle all cash reconciliation, email correspondence, balancing the entire hotel guest ledger, drafting and submitting disputes for chargebacks, scheduling, interviewing-hiring-onboarding-training, analyzing credit limit reports, dealing with guest complaints, maintaining vendor relations, maintaining and ordering inventory for the department, handle billing issues, drafting SOPs and a lot more.
I’m happy I’ve learned a lot but I really want out of this industry. Even as a manager I’m not guaranteed weekends, I manage a whole team of young unresponsible or unreliable people, I often work way more than 40 hours a week, always dealing with low staffing (as per usual with a front desk), I deal with customer complaints, I have to be on the look out for crime and scammers on the property, and other things. I just came off a 20 day stretch where I couldn’t take a single day off and some of those days I had to work doubles due to the super low staffing due to 2 people being fired and one quitting unannounced.
I have a degree in international business (I know it’s a very general degree) but my intention was to move somewhere in Europe at some point for work. I am currently getting a TEFL certificate (English teaching Certificate - doesn’t pay well) which will hopefully allow me to get my foot in the door but I’m really hoping there’s a chance at getting a remote job and going on a digital nomad visa. I know moving to Europe is extremely difficult but I hopefully with my credentials there’s some field and starting point I can work towards.
P.S. I speak English, Spanish and some low level German.

It seems like regardless of how many countries are involved in a war they will usually tend to form 2 sides/alliances. Even countries who are polar opposites in many ways often team up to "defeat the common enemy" - USSR and Britain/USA forming and alliance during WW2 is an example.
Of course, there is no shortage of chaotic wars with many factions with their own ambitions (Chinese Civil Wa2nd Sino-Japanese War, Russian Civil War, Yugoslav Independence War,...), but the reason I find it so difficult to "understand" and describe them is because of the over-confusion between overlapping motivations, goals, and intentions. What do they think about the main enemy? How do they interact with each other in common activities? When do they try to kill each other, when do they avoid it, and when do they cooperate? What do they think when both they and their enemies are fighting so many factions at the same time?

Not sure if I am cut out to be a med spouse.
We have been together dating now for almost 3 years. Me (30F) and him (27M). When we started dating he has always told me one of his goals was to get into med school. We didn’t know for sure if it was going to happen and this was his second time applying as the first round he tried, he didn’t get accepted into any schools. About a year and a half into dating, he got accepted into a med school within our state but 3 and a half hours away from home. We were living together when he got accepted and we talked about if I was moving with him or do LDR. I also have a now 9 yr old son so making the decision to uproot his life also was very hard for me. I also had my mom back at home to help me with my son and if I moved I would have no support system with my son. I did sit down and talked to my son to be sure he would understand to most of his ability if he would be okay with the possibility of moving and all the changes that came with it and to my surprise was very excited to maybe move to a new city. I also had my job, where I had work at for almost 7 years and leaving my job was also extremely hard for me as I was very happy at my job. I developed a lot of relationships with my customers that I had bonded and built trust with within those years in my field. I was very leaning towards trying to do LDR his first year of school and then move once he was more established at school. As the date got closer to making a final decision, I want to say he basically gave me a ultimatum of if we did long distance he didn’t think out relationship would work. He has never been in a long distance relationship before and neither had I but I was willing to put in the work and I reassured him that we could make it work but in his mind he didn’t think it would work because “he would constantly be worried about me”. I asked for a promise ring as I was uprooting my whole life and I just needed a reassurance for him to make this big move and he said no bc I just needed to trust his words. I was scared to put an end to our relationship so I decided to move with my son to support his dreams. I was very well aware that a lot of the responsibilities of supporting him would lean on me but prior moving he told me we would split rent 50/50 as he would be living off of his loans. He would help me when he could with house chores and with my son as needed.
I thrive off living life with a routine and communication of how our weeks will go. As soon as school started for him as much as I asked for his weekly class schedule there was always some excuse as to why “he forgot to send it to me”. I needed his schedule to plan accordingly as I was about to start a new job and needed to figure out how I was gonna make it work with my son’s school schedule also. We’ve had a lot issues right off the bat starting med school. He likes to go out and so every chance he to “celebrate” after an exam he would be out with classmates. I would stay home bc obviously I have my son and I also work the next day. I don’t mind him going out at all but its more about how he still barely made time to do anything with me like go out for a dinner date after an exam or just do something fun together. His immediate thought was to go out drinking with friends. Making me feel that he was putting these “new friends” before me.
But long story short because I think my rant is long enough. My bf is finishing his 1st year of med school. He has failed exams and had to retest a couple times and I have seen him fall into depressive episodes and just shut down. I try to be supportive and let him go thru it until he is ready to talk but I can’t say its has been easy for me when he is moody, grumpy and mean towards me a long the way. He gets mean with my son too when my son is being “too loud” for him. I clean I cook I do laundry basically do 90% of everything around the house. He will every couple of weeks maybe do something around the house. I guess most of the times I don’t feel appreciated. I cook after a 10hrs day of work and I don’t get a thank you and on the rare occasion “wow that was a good meal” and I only know he enjoys my food if he ask for seconds. I buy groceries and I would have to basically beg him to come out and help me bring them in to the point where I don’t ask anymore and he just bought me a wagon I guess so I don’t struggle too much carrying all the bags in. Ive expressed several times that I also work 10-11 hrs/day at work that I need a little help too and I don’t feel like I ask for a lot. He doesn’t know how to cook so I never ask him to cook. I clean the house every week. All I ask for is maybe dishes to get wash and just heavy lifting things that maybe I don’t have the strength for and trash to be taken out. I really try my best to make life easier for him while he is doing school but I also remind I am not his mom as he is also a mamas boy and his mom did everything for him even as an adult . He is very coddled by his parents.
I get home sick all the time. When we first moved, I went back home to visit once a month the first semester. Sometimes we were able to go all together but sometimes his schedule wouldn’t work with mine and I would have to go by myself and that was fine but I noticed when I would go by myself he would always find a reason to fight and make that time period that I was back at home miserable. For example my last visit back home was Spring break and I went on a girls trip to another state and back home to visit. At first he was fine when I left but when I was on vacation, he was being short with his texts and just by the way he was texting I knew something was wrong or he was mad. I asked him on my trip if he was mad I got to travel and he took it super personal and just stopped texting me. When I got back from my trip I was in my home town and he finally told me he was upset that I was on a trip on the same week his spring break was. Prior to all of this he knew my girls trips was planned months in advance. I had told him prior to me leaving he could drive back home and we could spend a few days together after my trip together and he refused and I think he was just trying to be difficult bc I didnt invite him on my trip, but WHY would I do that when it was specifically a trip for girls. So he told me I was extremely inconsiderate for going on that trip. So theres that..
We almost broke up after that but we tried to fix things. Fast forward to now I started having a gut feeling as something was off bc he barely wants intimacy anymore and I get it. We are both tired from our day to day. I never want anything anymore bc everything feels rushed and just to make him feel good and then he has to be done quick bc he has to go back to studying. One day recently I went thru his phone and found out he has been texting a girl through a fake number app. They don’t talk consistently but the intentions are there. Doesn’t seem like anything physical has happened but he definitely is trying constantly to meet up with her some day, he just hasn’t bc he has no time bc of school. I haven’t said anything out of consideration that he was going thru finals for end of year. I will admit I have been a little checked out mentally but this was just the icing on the cake bc I have been nothing but supportive to be cheated on. I think I am just numb to everything bc I can’t tell if I’m mad or sad or just relived that maybe this is my sign to go back home. Ive lost almost over 20 lbs since moving bc I dont barely eat just when Im home. My hair is starting to fall out more and I can’t tell if its stress. I guess from all of this I think you can kinda tell what I’m going thru. I have no friends here and its hard to hold this all in and have no one to talk to. My friends back home just tells me to come back already and that he doesn’t deserve me. I just didn’t really think this would be happening but I guess better now then later. I could go on and on about amongst other stuff but I’ll leave at this.
Thank you for reading my rant if you got this far. I know my writing is all over the place.

About Daily Draws
One of the best ways to practice Lenormand is to throw a daily spread. This can be any number of cards as you like, although it usually consists of three, five, or seven (an odd number) cards in a line. Start with a specific intention and question, such as, “What does the world have for me today?” Make sure you keep this timeline in mind when drawing your cards.
While it may sound daunting to practice every day, drawing cards in the morning is actually quite simple. For example, let’s say you draw three cards. Usually they are read from left to right, or maybe describe the day as a whole. The center card is your focus card, with the last card representing the outcome. Or, perhaps the first card represents the subject and the second and third cards describe it. Feel free to create your own method.
It’s very helpful to keep a journal and look back on your throws to see what worked out and what didn’t. What interpretations might you have missed?
This exercise helps you build a connection with your cards and come up with your own combinations. If you find something new, write down the combination in your Lenormand notebook.
Note that, when you throw a daily spread, the cards usually represent smaller elements of your life rather than bigger components. For example, the Clouds could simply mean a storm rather than, say, mental illness.
So, what did you guys come up with for today?

Just wondering if someone can shed some light on how the IP Restrictions work.
I am self hosted and I noticed today in my activity logs that my IP address at my home office (same address where my instance is hosted in a VM) has not changed in at least 2 years, even though I am not paying my ISP for a static IP.
I am also about to hire a new tech, and I am thinking about turning on the IP filter, but I have a couple of issues.
First off, is there a back door or break glass type thing if you get yourself locked out? Can support get you back in?
Secondly, how do you make it so that you can access the service when you go around to clients and may be on their wifi or on a cell network?
I have heard people say use a VPN service but can someone give me an example of one that always gives you the same IP address?
I was thinking as a security backup I could add a couple of clients static IPs in there so that if I get locked out I can remote into their networks and then get myself back in.
Is this worth the hassle? Now that I am actually populating Hudu with all my clients passwords, I want to make sure it's as close to 100% safe as possible.

I’m trying to figure out what this is/what’s happening with me when I do this.
Long story short, as a kid, my parents (mostly my dad) were always accusing me of doing things that I wasn’t doing and/or basically assigning intentions to my actions.
Simplified example “you knew I wanted you to call me when you got to the football game but you purposefully didn’t. You have no respect for us. Why did we even get you a phone just so you could ignore our calls??” Or they might take it a step further and say “you probably didn’t even go there.” All the while, I just hadn’t heard the phone ring, finally saw the 8 missed calls, panicked, then sounded sketchy when I finally picked it up. Not saying I never did anything wrong to lose trust, I did. But nothing beyond the scope of what a normal teen would do. My sister (2 years my senior) would be allowed to join in on the chastising as well. Often times this did turn into me telling lies almost defensively.
This continued into adulthood (fully independent, self supporting, living on my own) but shapeshifted into different things such as how I was parenting etc. I went out for a night and got an OUI and my dad said “you’re just pawning your kids off with whoever while you go get drunk” (they were with my husband) and later he told my husband I was “probably off getting f***ed.” It was getting the point of ridiculousness. I’d even try to understand where he was coming from but at a certain point I’d just accepted that he thought I was a POS and that’s that.
I once made the comment that every time I would see his name pop up on my phone, I’d get anxiety and every time he asked me a question I felt like lying. I don’t know why, at my big age, I still feel like I need to lie to my dad; but I can see where he’s going with his questions. I know what he’s thinking before he says it. To be clear, by adulthood I wasn’t lying. I mostly just stayed away from him. My only point was that that’s not normal at 28 years old. He then took that as me “admitting hat I always lie.”
I went no contact with him 4 years ago (I’m 32 now) and I’m still trying to unpack all of it. I still occasionally will blurt out a lie if I feel like someone is behaving like an “authority figure” or getting mad at me/giving me anxiety. I’ll go back and correct it after, but it’s really embarrassing. It’s like as soon as my back is against the wall I go into self preservation mode. I talked about this with someone my age who also had harsh/strict parents and she says she does it too.
I feel like my dad gaslit me and shamed me into believing I was more troubled than I am. Does anyone have any insight?

Back story: I attended an orientation two weeks ago where I met my preceptor. She believes that you need 10 years of bedside nursing experience before you become an NP and I do not have that. I understand and respect her opinion, however she called me out in front of 15 other people and spoke for 30 min about how I made such a poor decision attending school this early in my career. It was not necessary to do in front of an audience in my opinion.
Anyway, she has ignored me since. I can't help but think she just wanted me to attend the orientation that she was leading to use me as an example ? (The other people at the orientation were new nurses who were just hired at the hospital). I am technically supposed to start clinicals on Monday but we never established a schedule and haven't heard back from her at all. What do I do? Should I just show up?

So my husband (drummer) and I (vocalist) live in a smallish town where there aren't a lot of heavy metal musicians but wanted to start a metal band so we started one a year and a half ago with a guitar player and bass player (best friends) who played thrash. Our ad for band members was clear about us wanting to play symphonic metal and preferably 2 guitar players. At our first meeting and in our first jamming session everything sounded good. The guitar player said he had been playing like 20 years and could play a lot of fast riffs so we hired him. Ever since there's been all this stuff that's come up. For example he said he didn't want to add another guitar player because no one can keep up with him. He talked us into getting a keyboard player instead even though my husband wanted to make the symphonic elements on Reaper and other software. Soon it became evident that there were problems with sing writing. He would only play the same riff repeatedly through a song, and wouldn't tighten it up (he doesn't count or use a metronome or listen to the drums, so the riff can be oddly timed and inconsistent. This was really evident when we tried plugging his riffs into Ableton. Also he doesn't lead into any kind of chorus. He argued that the vocalist is supposed to lead those changes but that doesn't make sense to me and even if I try, he's often kind of lost in his own world. The keyboard player had music theory but quit the band after trying to add structure didn't work.
Meanwhile, the guitar player asked that we play a cover which we were all ok with since we didn't have songs. But then when I suggested a cover he said "I don't want to be a cover band so if you want to play covers you have to do it without me in the band". After that he suggested yet another 2 covers as did the bass player, but the guitar player only wants to play the covers he suggested.
After a year, our keyboard player quit. Then we had a great jam session and came up with 4 or 5 song ideas but they were still basically just a single repeated riff. I went home and came up with lyrics and melodies based on those riffs and all we had to do was structure them out and add the different parts. Even though I printed lyrics, tried adding practice recordings to the drive etc. He would forget any new parts other than his original single riff. My husband tried to get him to adapt open key strumming or just playing chords from the melody I wrote during the choruses or vocals. The bass player even tried to help by listening to what I was singing and showing him the chords. Unfortunately the guitar player won't really take other people's suggestions to help adapt the guitar parts to the melodies in the choruses so he forgets everything and then at practice when we are trying to work those songs he goes into a noodle session or breaks out into an improv riff then races about how we should use that instead. But again... it's only one riff with no added parts, key changes or structure.
All of the time he could be spending helping us write songs or practicing he spends on buying equipment and merchandise and talking to people who can market us, do a big light show and get us gigs. But we have 1 original song!!!!!
Now what's happening is he has a lot of connections in the music industry so he brought this guy over the other day who talked about managing us and doing a demo in a few weeks and us booking gigs. I don't even know if the dude is aware that we only have one song but the drummer and I freaked out because yeah... 1 freaking song. On top of that all the song last I wrote lyrics and full melodies for, he t seems to abandon. There's been times when after a jam session of him playing the same riff for like 5-10 minutes he says we write a song and how awesome it was even though it had no lyrics, no set vocal melody and no distinct verses, choruses or changes. If he does add change to a song it's usually him playing the riff clean then distorted.
My husband and I are at our wits end. We can't add a guitar player, we can't make suggestions because he won't take them, he tosses a song when we try to add structure, and he seems more concerned with making it big than working on the music. I think he literally just wants me to slap any vocals to his riffs, play it for 5-10 minutes and call it a song.
I finally lost my temper the other day and pointed out that he won't play what anyone else wants to play, refuses to wear in ears or play with a metronome, etc. Oh and he insisted on getting band shirts to sell and put a bunch of money into it and expects us to sell them. How are we supposed to sell shirts when we have never had a show, only have 1 song and are nowhere near booking one??? We thought about getting new band members but we don't have a place to play and there just aren't many heavy metal musicians in a driveable distance. Is this even fixable????

I can't seem to be finding the ones that are actual jobs.
I even go so far as to researching these companies just to make sure.
I've been applying for nearly 8 months. My resume is straightforward, my cover letter explains my strengths, plus I have plenty of experience with customer service.
So far the one job I considered promising returned and email and when I watched the video they added (at this point I already had doubts) it turned out to be a training center to help people obtain an insurance license, with no intention to hire the result.
I even filter what I am looking for with no luck. Maybe I'm searching wrong? As this is the first time I've had to work remotely because of a disability.

Pitchfork's review of TOOL's Lateralus is arguably their most infamous review. A few do stand on its level- Kid A, Frances the Mute, The Fragile- but nothing still gets the same kind of ire that Lateralus' does. At most, the Kid A review is joked about in indie circles, but it gets more weird stares than actual anger like this review does. Clearly an album as layered, as brilliant and as special as Lateralus deserves more than a measly 1.9 out of 10, right? Surely, this review is crap.. right?
Well, it would be if this was actually a serious review of the album.
It starts with some talk on TOOL and their previous efforts, but quickly diverges into a teenager's report based around the album. Contrary to the poor score, this report raves about the record in a way that is intentionally made to sound as silly and as grandiloquent as possibly. There's lines like "The first song is called "The Grudge," and it's about astrology and how people control stuff" and "The bass playing is just really creepy and slow and sometimes it has this watery effect.", as well as a point where the author just lists Danny Carey's equipment as if that substitutes for actual music criticism. It's full of purple prose and poor descriptions, written to appear mindless and lazy, by a kid who doesn't know any better.
This is not a review of Lateralus. This is an article that serves to make fun of TOOL's fans.
Now, why does this work? Yeah, TOOL fans can be really pretentious (I'm one of them, for god's sake), but are they really a fanbase that deserves something like this?... well, to me we absolutely do, but that's besides the point. The reason why this review works, to me, is how effective it is; even nowadays, over 20 years after its publication, I still see people get angry at this thing, pulling up the 1.9 as if the rest of the review doesn't exist. Occasionally people do bring up the review itself, but every time it feels like a total misread of it, beginning and ending at "they didn't even talk about the music!". It's one of the best trolls I've ever seen, a bait review that's so easy to understand its true intent, and yet people almost never do.
I feel there's also two things to bring up:

Turning a music review into a take-that to the fans of the band is immature and pointless, and decreases the critical value of your publication.

Well, Pitchfork wasn't trying to be serious in 2001. Back then, they were still the juvenile hipster jokesters of the music world, and they didn't want to be any different. Their appeal back then was that they were the people's publication, as fun-loving as the indie dorks they appealed to. A review like this wasn't really out of the ordinary, and wasn't exactly something that'd make them look any worse. At the time they didn't even care about TOOL fans (if the review didn't make that clear), so they weren't really afraid of losing their interest.

Brent DiCrescenzo wrote the article, and he's particularly known for writing bad reviews that don't have the jokey edge of Lateralus'. Both The Fragile and Kid A reviews were written by him, for example.

This one's interesting, because this article feels like DiCrescenzo making fun of himself. Those reviews, as well as numerous others, came out prior to Lateralus'; this part might be a reach, but it felt like DiCrescenzo was using his own shitty writing as a weapon. I don't enjoy his other reviews and I think he was overall a bad writer back then, but Lateralus? It's probably his greatest work, using his weaknesses to his advantage.
So yeah, P4K's Lateralus review is great. It's an art piece disguised as shit; if it didn't still work, I'd probably think nothing of it. But as the years go on, the anger and befuddlement this piece receives still gets is ever-strong.

I'd like to hear others' opinions on the movement vs the first game. Especially with the dash and sprint. I have just been frustrated by the fact that the dash sometimes seems to have a delay at the most inopportune moments. And this is when I do have the card equipped for it to be immediate. That combined with the sprint not always triggering after I dash is super frustrating.
For example, I'll dash, and be holding down the dash button, and Melinoe decides, nah I'm just gonna walk now. Or, I'll time my dash perfectly to evade an attack, but wait no, I actually get hit because of a delay that I thought wasn't supposed to be there.
It just feels inferior to the movement in the first game. I am fine with only 1 dash, I think it forces you to move with intent. But it needs some work. Maybe the dash not triggering immediately is a bug, I'd like to hear if anyone else is having the same issues.

I don’t understand why I feel so sad when I want to try something that is new for me or something I’ve wanted to do for a while with a specific person but for whatever reason they might end up doing it with somebody else, getting me to the point of not even wanting to mention what I wanted to do anymore, and if they now want to do it, I won’t participate. it’s not that I’m upset at them for doing it without me, I just drop my interests so fast and get really stubborn when it’s my turn to experience it, because I don’t want to do it anymore, but why? If I was exited at first, what happened to make me feel like that.
Example: I wanted to go karaoke with my bf, either only the two of us or our friend group, I’ve wanted that for a while but we’ve never had the opportunity to do so, then he got invited to a karaoke birthday party tonight, I told him to enjoy and to text me if he needed anything, but while he was there, I was crying in my room for hours and I don’t want to go karaoke or even talk about going karaoke anymore, I came up with the scenario where we did go karaoke but every time it just feels like I would not enjoy it at all anymore. Another example is when the Barbie movie came out, I wanted to watch it with him but he didn’t want to, after a couple of months had passed by, once everyone watched it, he offered to watch it with me, but I did not want to anymore, the thought of doing something I once wanted but not anymore makes me feel some type of way I cannot explain. It has happened with so many of my interests and things I want to do but idk why I drop my interests and prohibit myself from doing them in the future, I just don’t want to remind myself that for some reason I couldn’t achieve what I wanted. It’s not like I’m upset at them for doing it without me, it’s not like it was their intention to make me feel this way, I’ve told my bf before so he knows and does his best, but it’s not like im going to tell him “no don’t go karaoke with them because I want to do it” like 1 that’s not how I feel 2 I can’t prohibit him things like this when it’s just a karaoke party yk and I shouldn’t feel this way about it 3 I want him to have fun. I don’t think I’m looking for solutions on how to fix it but it would be nice to know them anyway. I can’t really comprehend the feeling and why I do that. Is this self-sabotage and if so why am I doing that to myself.
I might feel like they won’t enjoy it a second time with me when they’ve done that same activity before.
I feel horrible that I’m thinking that way, I’m not jealous or upset but I do get extremely sad for a while.