hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

My(20) boyfriend(20) loves music and yesterday he was invited over to a friends house to make some music and apparently it was like his heaven. The whole apartment was a music studio and it’s shared between 4 musicians this is where the problem starts bc one of the musicians/roommates is a 50 year old man my boyfriend was telling me “silly” stories about how this man was constantly telling him how good he was and that he was one of the best musicians he had ever met and he will go really far (my boyfriend is just honestly not that great he alsonoticed his self harm scars and told him that they were just alike and like that he was connected to him in some way. My boyfriend was really excited about all of this and showed me a video this man took of him while he was playing the guitar and the video is odd it’s him playing but the man is circling him and zooming in on certain parts of his face and back not on the guitar and he is gassing him up in the background even though my boyfriend really wasn’t doing that great. When I expressed concern over this my boyfriend brushed it off and told me that he knows what his red lines are and he can defend himself I tried to explain that grooming is different then a plain assault it will eventually seem normal to him and I don’t understand why he would put himself in harms way for a music opportunity it’s really scary and I don’t know what I can say to make him see the red flags does anyone know what I can say or do to make sure he’s safe and am I being crazy I do have ptsd when it comes to grooming so I feel like I might be projecting so feel free to check me on that if I am. Also sorry for bad grammar or spelling English is not my first language

Hi everyone! So, I've been invited to do a technical assessment round for the position of agrometeorology and weather data analyst for NPSA position. Some of the duties, responsibilities and competencies include - ● Analysing, pre-processing & preparing reports on weather data, weather forecasting, hydrometeorology and application of weather information system on agriculture, disaster risk management and climatic risk reduction and mitigation. ● Research and development into weather data analytics, weather forecasting, agrometeorology based advisories, agriculture risk propensity mapping of areas, weather parametric solutions for climate risk and agriculture risk protection. ● Candidate to be skilled in geospatial analysis which studies entities using topological, geometric or geographic properties. ● Being skilled in data sorting, cleaning, survey administration, presentation and reporting. ● Data engineering ability in language such as SQL, Python & R, using ETL (extract, transfer and load) tools. ● Working experience in Python, ArcGIS, ENVI, QGIS, SNAP, R, GRASS ERDAS IMAGINE. While there are lot of other duties, competencies but I have mentioned the major ones.
Now the technical assessment will have 8 questions for which I have been allotted 2.25 hours. PLEASE HELP ME in suggesting what kind of questions might come up and how to answer them.
PS - I have a background in Geoinformatics and Geography with a certificate course in data science.

Invited to apply to the McKinsey Pre-MBA event by the Seoul, South Korea office (I’m sure it’s only because I’m Korean and speak the language), however I live in the US. Would they pay for my travel to the event if I was accepted?

leaders #science #update #hardware #event #vc #opensource #api #tool #scheduled

Greg Brockman and Sam from OpenAI expressed gratitude for Jan's contributions and outlined their strategy, which includes raising awareness of AGI risks and opportunities, improving safety measures, and preparing for more complex interactions with AI systems in the future. They emphasized the need for rigorous testing, collaboration, and balancing safety and capabilities in AI development, acknowledging the lack of a proven playbook for navigating the path to AGI [1].
NVIDIA and Dell are partnering to transform enterprises at Dell Technologies World, offering sessions on AI, multicloud, edge computing, and more. Attendees can get NVIDIA certified for free and learn about generative AI, NVIDIA AI Enterprise, NIM microservices, accelerated computing platforms, networking solutions, and training opportunities [2]. Leading retailers are using generative AI, offered by NVIDIA, to enhance consumer experiences and improve operational efficiency [3].
Varun Krishna, CEO of Rocket Companies and Rocket Mortgage, discussed the intersection of AI and fintech, as well as the future of real estate in a conversation with a16z [4].
Yann LeCun emphasized the need to first design AI systems smarter than a house cat before controlling AI systems smarter than humans. He compared this to the development of aircraft safety, highlighting the importance of careful engineering and iterative refinements over time [5]. LeCun also discussed the challenge of getting AI systems to understand the world, reason, and plan effectively, acknowledging the presence of hype, hubris, and naivete in the field of AI [6]. He aims to develop AI systems as intelligent as a cat [7] and agrees with Sebastien Bubeck that cats understand the physical world much better than Large Language Models (LLMs) [8]. LeCun also highlighted the sophisticated mental models of bio-llamas that enable them to plan complex actions for survival in the wild [9]. However, he noted that current learning methods that enable LLMs to understand and generate text do not work effectively for natural inputs like images and video [10]. LeCun also discussed the scenario of an intelligent system becoming uncontrollable and posing a threat to humanity, mentioning that this scenario is a common cliché in bad sci-fi but not reflective of reality [11]. He mentioned that they started research earlier and shared their findings openly, allowing others to build on their work [12].
Groq Inc expressed gratitude to everyone and their developer community [13][14]. They are offering improved rates for competitors using Groq at an upcoming hackathon and free API access without the need for credits [15][16]. Groq Inc will have an event next week and will be attending the summit and happy hour, inviting others to come say hi [17][18].
1. Greg Brockman @gdb https://twitter.com/gdb/status/1791869138132218351
2. NVIDIA AI @NVIDIAAI https://twitter.com/NVIDIAAI/status/1791876407166972204
3. NVIDIA AI @NVIDIAAI https://twitter.com/NVIDIAAI/status/1791921725317189920
4. a16z @a16z https://twitter.com/a16z/status/1791899805746348302
5. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791890883425570823
6. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791892950999241158
7. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791899300131188963
8. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791900825742159958
9. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791914784134205668
10. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791915759494459807
11. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791917610143039945
12. Yann LeCun @ylecun https://twitter.com/ylecun/status/1791930381291151564
13. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791696447832043917
14. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791935718962635241
15. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791936814108024976
16. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791937697499779078
17. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791937823228215402
18. Groq Inc @GroqInc https://twitter.com/GroqInc/status/1791938116699422940

Hi all, some of you might have seen my post last month. I am a Vancouver based founder of Connectcz, a meetup app I designed keeping my own struggles in mind. I drop one post here every month letting more people struggling with making connections in Vancouver know about it. If you find trying to make friends at crowded meetup events intimidating/draining/hard, here is how the app can help:

1. It facilitates small (1-5 people), casual, and low-key hangouts, instead of formal events and large gatherings allowing more in-depth conversations.
2. You control when, where, how many, and who you meet, instead of waiting for meetup events that align with you.
3. You can connect spontaneously whenever you feel like it, instead of committing weeks/months in advance.
4. You can filter invitations and nearby users by interests, language, etc. and connect with whoever you think you would feel most comfortable with.
5. Anyone can initiate an invitation in a few taps and it is free, instead of paying monthly charges if you wanted to create your own "low-key" meetup events.

We have about 300 users in Metro Vancouver. For next week we have someone who wants to connect with someone learning Japanese, someone who wants company for watching Messi play in Vancouver, and a few drinks/coffee invites. Do check them out.
Thanks, and have a great rest of your weekend! 🍻

Hi guys, I’m looking for participants for a research in the field of language processing. I really need this to be able to finish my PHD 🥺 I kindly invite you to complete an online survey if you possess both these criteria: 1. Native english speaker 2. Second language: Chinese (hsk5 level or above). Or if you have any friends who fit this requirement, please let me know. Participants of this research will receive a small gift as a thank. Many thanks!!!

im a harbinger of bad luck so cant believe things actually went okay-ish considering im not a competitive applicant
₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Demographics

• Gender: Non-Binary
• Race/Ethnicity: Filipino
• Residence: Philippines (international applicant)
• Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): N/A
• High School: Religious private school that isnt the most competitive or well-known in the country but pretty alright.
• Income Bracket: 35k (considered middle class in the Philippines, my father is the sole breadwinner working as a lawyer and I have 2 more siblings who are still studying in private schools)
• EFC: 2k to 3k USD (i needed aid from every school)

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Intended Major(s): Media Production / Film and Television Production / Communications / Media Studies
₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁Academics

• GPA: 3.9 for Freshman/Sophomore/Senior year, 3.6 for Junior year
• of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: NONE, my school offered AP classes but I couldnt afford them
• Senior Year Course Load: Mostly humanities and social science classes, I did not have any science or math classes in my coursework.

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Standardized Testing

• SAT/ACT: Went test optional but I took it once and got a 1230 (LOW AS HELL BYE)
• ENGLISH TEST: Took the Duolingo Test and got 155

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Extracurriculars/Activities:
i didnt plan my extracurriculars in high school i sure did a lot and most of them were scattered out HAHA. jack of all trades, master of none moments. i tried to include mostly my media and writing related activities. aside from the ones i listed on my common app, i was immersed in a lot of social justice and political advocacy works + other sports :)

• Elections Project - assistant project head of a city wide youth elections project where we conducted mock elections, podcast interviews with politicians, and daily news coverage of the national 2022 elections.
• National Newspaper - writer contributor of a political editorial article to a national newspaper
• School Play on Social Justice - wrote and directed a play that tackled social justice issues in the country, I was the overall head of the class project and the play had runs with audience members from invited schools
• Student Council - was the student body vice president (junior year) and student body president (senior year), I was the main organizer of projects and events such as the annual school carnival, christmas fundraiser, student assistance programs, family day activities, etc.
• School Newspaper - was the news and sports editor of the school newspaper for 3 years, i also competed in journalism competitions as the representative of my school paper
• Dance Varsity - was part of the hiphop dance varsity team of my school for 4 years, we won in many national competitions
• Photography Business - owned a mini-photography business for 2 years at which I was mostly working on freelance photo editing
• International Screenwriting Competition - won 3rd place in two screenwriting competitions during my junior year
• Elderly Volunteer Organization - was part of an organization that conducted monthly outreach programs to the elderly, I served as the treasurer of the organization for 2 years
• Tutor Services - worked as a tutor of an organization that offered free onsite tutor services to elementary children, i tutored language (Eng and Fil) subjects

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Awards/Honors

• Academic Honors 9th-12th Grade
• Leadership Recognition 9th-12th Grade
• Community Service Recognition 9th-12th Grade
• Awards for Journalism Competitions
• Awards for Screenwriting Competitions

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Essay

• Common App Essay - went with prompt 3, wrote about my favorite author and how my reading habits mirrored my flaws in handling everyday life. 8/10 could have been more fleshed out and i crammed it first week of Jan.
• Supplementals - yeah I just copy and pasted a lot of these from my supplemental essays to other schools. 7/10 to 8/10

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ LORs

• Media Studies Teacher - 10/10
• English and Literature Teacher - 8/10

I did not read the letters but im basing it on how much they like me as a student. I chose these teachers because I got high grades in their subjects and they got PhDs.
₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ Interviewss- I got none and I was too busy to go for optional interviews. I really did not display any demonstrated interest.
₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁ D*ecisionss *(ALL REGULAR DECISION, actually I filed my international applications late like 2-3 weeks after the deadlines because I was in a depressive episode last January)
ACCEPTANCES

• UPD, UST, ADMU, DLSU (Top 4 universities in the Philippines)
• University of Denver - Dean Scholar (29k) + International Diversity Award (11k)
• Brandeis University - Presidential Scholarship (15k)
• Syracuse University - Dean Scholarship (10k)
• Marquette University - Pere Marquette Scholarship (29k)
• Hofstra University - Presidential Scholarship (29k)
• Drexel University
• Rutgers New-Brunswick
• University of Maryland
• University of Massachusetts Amherst
• PennState

WAITLISTS

• Wake Forest University
• Franklin & Marshall College

REJECTED

• Kenyon College
• Sewanee College

₊˚⊹♡.𖥔 ݁Reflection
well that was krazy HAHA. ik many people here showcase ivies and T20s and im not that remarkable with my t40s to t100s but i'd like to think its not that shabby for an unknown international from a third world country. my biggest regret is not applying for NYU, its my dream school but again considering my depressive episode from November to January I wasnt able to file my application on time. its a miracle that universities still accept late applications and im grateful for all that I have and received. If i could turn back time I wish I was a little bit stronger and more stable to have been able to apply for NYU, my common app essay about my favorite author was actually an alumni from NYU :")
but we carry the burdens of choice under the merits of luck; even with merit scholarships, I cant afford any of the international schools I was accepted to. more likely i'll have to attend the top university in my country. but i dont want to give up man i'll still try to appeal for financial aid and if that wont work I'll apply for transfer during my sophomore year to ivies and top LACs that give full financial aid to international transfers. the odds are low but never 0 and no harm in trying !! see you all again next year for my transfer results :]

Some might say language is a fairly concrete term. Others may say it’s a nebulous thing with multiple pathways for exploration. We’ve invited some such minds to the University of Toronto’s third annual Language Research Day. Our presenters come from across North America, and various disciplines such as psychology, speech language pathology, neuroscience, sociology, and more!

Amongst these presenters are our two keynote speakers: Dr. Craig Chambers & Dr. Naomi Nagy. Dr. Chambers’ research focuses on the real-time interpretation of spoken and written language and he will be speaking about the interplay between linguistic and non-linguistic cognition. Dr. Nagy’s research analyzes language variation and change in linguistic contact contexts, with a focus on some of Toronto’s heritage languages across generations. She will be speaking to us regarding variations and paths of change in heritage Russian.

And we would like to invite you to join us for this free, hybrid event held at the University of Toronto St. George Campus on June 3rd, 2024. This interdisciplinary conference is open to all, regardless of affiliation with the University of Toronto.

Please join us for a day of exploration and community-building, as well as the possibility of a few free goodies by signing up here: https://register.oxfordabstracts.com/event/50815?preview=false
https://preview.redd.it/aumk2pr96b1d1.png?width=1545&format=png&auto=webp&s=ac37d39b2eaa373b12a9f16b68e1c9d62b9d0369
https://preview.redd.it/w2io4pr96b1d1.png?width=1545&format=png&auto=webp&s=b16f7138a3f64534644c4fbadd79949f18b7138b

Anybody else learning a language? Also thanks to u/Exact-Ad-3660 for inviting me here.

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a walk which was very cute but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a date (at least I thought it was a date) but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups. I feel very lonely in college.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a date (at least I thought it was a date) but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

Sorry if some parts don’t make sense, English is not my first language.
When I was attending my old school, I wouldn’t say I was popular, but I was very friendly with many of my classmates from extracurriculars. I had a close group of me and 3 other girls, and we had been very close friends since we were young.
One of the girls, let’s call her Sarah, had a strict mom when she was little. She always complained about her mom, and after 5th grade, we stopped inviting her to join us for hangouts because we assumed her mom would not allow her as usual. Out of the group, Sarah was the closest to me, but I was closer to the two other girls because we had more classes together, and we had hung out more outside of school, and this led us to have more inside jokes and experiences. We made sure to let Sarah in on all the jokes, and she had always laughed with us and even brought it up at times, and she had never mentioned being hurt by it.
At the end of my first year of high school, my mom decided to transfer me to another school. I was upset to be leaving my friend group, but I was excited to be able to branch out and make more friends. The school that I transferred to had a very challenging curriculum, so I wasn’t able to hang out as much with my old friend group. There have been instances where they’ve gotten mad at me (I admit it was my fault), but I thought we had talked it over and made sure our friendship was not harmed. But apparently, Sarah has been holding a grudge against “everything I’ve done to her throughout her life”.
Firstly, I need to mention that Sarah is not friends anymore with the rest of the friend group, and she claims that it’s because I wasn’t at school anymore and she was only close with me. However, I don’t see how her not building a relationship with the other girls is my fault.
A few days ago, Sarah sent me a long paragraph with all her grievances about me. She claims because we had such a tight-knit friend group she was never able to make any other friends. She says that I always cancel on her to hang out with other people, even though that has only happened two times due to misunderstandings and miscommunications. She says I never have enough time to spend time with her and that I’m always out with my new friends, even though she knows I’ve always been busy and I need to maintain a social life within my new school. She told me I never text her back even when she can see that I’m active on social media, but she doesnt understand that I often don’t know what to respond or have the mental capaity to be texting 24/7. She complained that I am always with my boyfriend, but I don’t know what she expects because you’re supposed to see your boyfriend often in order to have a healthy relationship. She also brought up how I left her out in the past, which she has never brought up before and is untrue because I have always tried my best to let her in on jokes, and I’m not sure what she expects me to do now, years after it happened.
This is the first time that she has reached out to me in months, so she hasn’t been trying hard to maintain our friendship either outside of a few texts at the beginning of my transfer. I haven’t replied to her yet, as I don’t know what to say. All I wanted was to adjust to my new life at my school, and I don’t think she is considering my feelings or perspective and is speaking out of bitterness. Still, her message has been weighing on my mind, so I would like to know from an outside perspective if I’m TA like Sarah is suggesting?

Hello! I'm a hearing person who is interested about the subject of deaf people and culture. In this moment I'm trying to learn my country's sign language (Libras - Brazilian Sign Language) on my own, and i feel like It's going to be a fun journey haha XD
Anyway, i'm here because of a thing that happened: So, i developed interest on the deaf cause because my mom works with people with disabilities (in fact, she speaks sign language and has a name sign herself), and today, in her friend's birthday, she presented me to some deaf people (they were siblings and were very sweet :D) that were invited into the party
She (my mom) started talking about how i had interest in sign language and other related stuff. The part that bothered me was when she asked them If they could give me a name sign, which they did. I mean, does It count? I thought you would "earn" the name from some friend or someone you know, i don't even know that person. Even though I'm honored, i admit that's not how i imagined It would happen
Regardless, i liked my encounter with them. It was interesting see them talking and they even teached me some new signs :D And, as i mentioned, they are really sweet people
But now, let me go back to the question: I was thinking to "simply" "ignore" what happened and keep going like i never had a sign. But in the same time receiving a name sign is an honor and i admit that i don't know how to proceed. Should i simply accept It?
(I apologize for any mistake i commited on vocabulary, english is my second language. Also, If the way i wrote was offensive in some regard feel free to correct me)

What exactly are Dharāṇī?
Dharāṇī, also known as Parittas, are Buddhist chants, mnemonic codes, incantations, or recitations, usually the mantras consisting of Sanskrit or Pāli phrases. Believed to be protective and with powers to generate merit for the Buddhist devotee, they constitute a major part of historic Buddhist literature. Many of these chants are in Sanskrit and Pāli, written in scripts such as Siddhaṃ, as well as transliterated into Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Sinhala, Thai and other regional scripts. Dharāṇī are found in the ancient texts of all major traditions of Buddhism. They are a major part of the Pāli canon preserved by the Theravāda tradition. Mahāyāna Sūtras such as the Lotus Sūtra and the Heart Sūtra include or conclude with Dharāṇī. Dharāṇī are a part of the regular ritual prayers as well as considered to be an amulet and charm in themselves, whose recitation believed to allay bad luck, diseases or other calamity. In some Buddhist regions, they served as texts upon which the Buddhist witness would swear to tell the truth. Dharāṇī recitation for the purposes of healing and protection is referred to as Paritta in some Buddhist regions, such as Laos, Thailand, Burma, Cambodia, and Sri Lanka. Paritta is generally translated as ‘Safeguard’ or ‘Protection’ in the Pāli language.
Historical Context:
The word Dharāṇī derives from a Sanskrit root √dhṛ meaning "to hold or maintain". Some Buddhist communities outside India sometimes refer to Dharāṇī with alternate terms such as "Mantra, Hṛdaya (Hridiya), Paritrana (Paritta), Raksha (Pali: Rakkha), Gutti, or Vidyā" though these terms also have other contextual meanings in Buddhism. The Buddhist Dharāṇī invocations are the earliest mass printed texts that have survived. The earliest extant example of printing on paper is a fragment of a Dhāraṇī miniature scroll in Sanskrit unearthed in a tomb in Xi'an, called the Great spell of unsullied pure light (Wúgòu jìng guāngdà tuóluóní jīng; 無垢淨光大陀羅尼經). It was printed using woodblock during the Tang dynasty, c. 650–670 AD. The Hyakumantō Darani found as charms in wooden pagodas of Japan were broadly accepted as having been printed between 764 and 770 CE. In 1966, similarly printed Dharāṇī were discovered in stone pagoda of Pulguksa temple in Gyeongju, Korea. These are dated to the first half of the 8th century.
How to start the practice:
As stated, Dharāṇī, are used as a sort of mnemonic code, specifically curated to help a practitioner remember the text in which the teaching and incantation comes from, such a practice is a good starting point in exploring the genre of Buddhist text that have the ability to generate positive karma, and dedication of merit to other sentient beings. Remembering and reciting a Dharāṇī is useful, and is a good recommendation for beginners, linked here is also a guide on how to pronounce Sanskrit if you happen to have some linguistic difficulties:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnFLN_eBOBMVEWX7pGJMGJNr_HK75VL_9&si=wSLN1Pz95q9bTcNA
Please note as some Dharāṇī/Paritta are esoteric and passed down by lineage of teacher to student, it is highly recommended for beginners to receive oral transmissions of such text. However, in this short list, all listed text are Sūtric and are free to recite without need of oral transmission.
Here is a good beginners list:
(Sanskrit works) Saddharma Puṇḍarīka Sūtraṁ (White Lotus Sūtra, used for praising the White Lotus Sūtra, and its benefits.)
Nīlakaṇṭha Dharāṇī (Blue-Necked One Dharāṇī, used for honoring, venerating, and requesting Avalokiteśvara protection, and clearance of obstacles.)
Śūraṅgama Mantraḥ/Sitātapatroṣṇīṣa Dhāraṇī* (Śūraṅgama Sūtra Mantraḥ, and the Dharāṇī associated in the Śūraṅgama Sūtra; White Parosal Dharāṇī of Sitātapatra Dharmapāla. Used for honoring, and venerating, the Śūraṅgama Sūtra, as well as requesting the help of Sitātapatra Dharmapāla to combat negative spiritual forces, magic, and beings.)
Bhaiṣajya-Guru-Vaiḍūrya-Prabhā-Rāja Dharāṇī (Used for honoring, and venerating, the Medicine Buddha Sūtra, as well as requesting his spiritual powers to heal and help sentient beings.)
Prajñāpāramitā-Hṛdaya (Sūtra) (Used for honoring, and venerating, the essence of Mahāyāna teachings on Śūnyatā, beneficial at warding off ill calamities, and dispelling negative forces.)
Munīndra-Hṛdaya-Mantraḥ (Shakyamuni Heart Mantraḥ, used for honoring, venerating, and establishing a connection to the Buddha Dharma.)
Śyāmatārā-Mantraḥ (Green Tārā Mantraḥ, used for requesting assistance from Green Tārā Bodhisattva.)
Amitāyus Dharāṇī (Amitāyus Buddha Dharāṇī used for honoring, venerating, and establishing a connection to the Amitabha Buddha Dharma, and for requesting longevity.)
Sarva-Tathāgatāyur-Vajra-Hṛdaya-Dharāṇī (All Thus Come One Life Diamond Heart Dharāṇī, used as an aspiration prayer towards Sukhāvatī, as well as praising, and venerating Amitābha Buddha.)
*Disclaimer, although this is an open mantraḥ, it is highly recommended to follow a teachers instructions on the usage of such a powerful mantraḥ. The Śuraṅgama Mantraḥ request the help of Vajrapaṇi Dharmapāla and is an extremely wrathful mantraḥ, often used at the most extreme of cases. Repeated usage is to advised by a qualified teacher.
For a more general overlook on Paritta works, which are often more peaceful in nature, and have a heavy emphasis on Mettā and merit dedication, here are a few open protective Parittas:
(Pāli linguistic works) Mettā Sutta/Karaṇīyamettā Sutta (The Discourse on Goodwill, used for spreading Mettā Pāramī to other sentient beings.)
Uddissanādhiṭṭhāna Gāthā (Verses for dedication of merit, used for dedicating merit to sentient beings, as well as multitudes of spiritual beings.)
Tiro-kuḍḍa-kaṇḍa-sutta Gāthā (Hungry Shades outside the walls verses, used for dedicating merit and food for ancestors and Pretā spiritual beings.)
Āmantana-Devatā Gāthā (Invitation to the Devās, used to invite the Buddhist and local deities protect those listening and preaching the Dhamma.)
Namakāra-siddhi Gāthā (Verses on success through homage, used as the beginning Paritta of ceremonies to venerate Buddhas and to bring success to rituals.)
Cha Ratana Paritta Gāthā (The Six Protective Verses from the Discourse on Treasures, derived from the larger Ratana Sutta, used for dispelling evil and negative forces, and proclaiming the truth [Saccakiriyā] of the triple gems.)
Khandha Paritta (The Group Protection, used for calming down and venerating the Nāga families, as well as dispelling harmful two footed, four footed, poisonous, and crawling creatures.)
Dhajagga Paritta (Top of the banner staff Protection, used for dispelling fear, and negative forces.)
Buddha-jaya-maṅgala Gāthā (The Verses of the Buddha’s Victory Blessings, used for proclaiming the eight auspicious victories of Shakyamuni Buddha in his life.)
It is recommended before the start of any Dharāṇī or Paritta chanting that one is to take refuge in the triple gems, and make aspiration prayers towards one’s goal, an example, as seen in the Theravāda Nikāya:
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa. (Recite three times.)
Homage to the Blessed One, the Worthy One, the Rightly Self-awakened One.
Tisaraṇa (Triple Gem Refuge.)
Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
I go to the Buddha for refuge. I go to the Dhamma for refuge. I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
Dutiyampi Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dutiyampi Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dutiyampi Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
Twice, I go to the Buddha for refuge. Twice, I go to the Dhamma for refuge. Twice, I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
Tatiyampi Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Tatiyampi Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Tatiyampi Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
Thrice, I go to the Buddha for refuge. Thrice, I go to the Dhamma for refuge. Thrice, I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
[Āmantana-Devatā Gāthā is said here.]
[Namakāra-siddhi Gāthā Paritta Chant, and so on…..]
Please feel free to ask questions, I don’t even know if you’re still reading, but…. Feel free to add suggestions too I guess. Have a nice day, and thank you for coming to my Ted-talk.

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share with you my response to the introduction found in the only edition of Use of the Self currently in print. I believe it's a rather misleading intro to FM Alexander's work, so I'm sharing this in the hope that I can help clear up misconceptions people may have about the Alexander Technique, not derived only from Anthony Kingsley, but many bland blog posts one tends to encounter when researching the Alexander Technique. That said, this is not intended to be an introduction of its own, but rather something experienced students, teachers, and anyone enthusiastically learning the Technique may find useful. In the tradition of Alexander himself, I've included extensive footnotes, some painfully long. I'm happy to answer any questions or otherwise discuss what I've written. Understand these are my own interpretations and opinions about what some call "the work," so take them as you will. I've taken lessons for a number of years and currently am training as a teacher, so my view of the Technique is based on these experiences, as well as my interpretations of Alexander's writings. Some of these interpretations you may object to, but I hope you find my arguments reasonable.
Response to Anthony Kingsley's Introduction to The Use of the Self
The Use of the Self may be FM Alexander's most important work, since it contains his own account of how he developed what is now called the Alexander Technique. While Alexander's other volumes are available from Mouritz, the only edition of The Use of the Self currently in print is published by Orion Spring. This edition replaces the philosopher John Dewey's introduction—which praises the technique's "genuinely scientific character"—with one by the contemporary teacher Anthony Kingsley, who is heralded on the book's front cover as a "leading Alexander Technique teacher." Therefore it is probable that many readers' first impressions of the Alexander Technique will be framed by Mr. Kingsley's opinions. I submit this is problematic, since his introduction is in my view contradictory to fundamental principles of the Alexander Technique. I write this response to address the introduction's two most dire faults: Kingsley's misrepresentation of the concepts inhibition and direction, and his dismissal of the concept of the primary control. I'll begin with the second, since it is a more straightforward error.
Primary Control
Kingsley opens his paragraphs on the primary control with the opinion that the concept should be "recast," then describes Alexander's definition of the primary control as a "particular relationship of his head, neck and back [that] acted as a master reflex that conditioned his whole organism." Then he discards this definition, claiming the head-neck-back relativity should instead be "regarded as an indicator[sic] of overall health rather than an area considered in isolation." He concedes the "region of the neck and back is a [...] barometer of our state of being," but concludes that "no single element is actually primary," since our eyes, breath, digestive system, and all other psychophysical elements are "simultaneous and interdependent" and also like barometers. Finally, he reveals his "recast" of the primary control, defining it as "the unknown and unseen self-righting and self-healing mechanism that can be restored and vitalized."
In sum, Mr. Kingsley has presented the primary control—which Alexander wrote extensively about and considered central to his technique—with an ill-defined mystical force which, accordingly, Alexander must have unwittingly stumbled upon and mistaken for a certain relativity of the head, neck and back.
Ironically, it is in The Use of the Self where Alexander wrote of discovering the necessity to first free his neck in seeking a better condition for his vocal apparatus, since that was the sine qua non of taking his head forward and up, of widening the back, and so forth, which are in turn the necessary conditions of freedom and stability in the limbs. This is the genesis of Alexander's use of the word "primary" in describing the head-neck-back relationship, and in my experience, as in Alexander's, it holds true: the sequence of directions given to oneself matters greatly, since tense feet, for example, can hardly flatten on the floor if the head is taken back and down, whereas the head can be taken "forward and up"1 to a fine degree even if there is tension in the lower extremities, particularly while sitting. Further, and maybe most significantly, the relativity of the head-neck-back rarely need change during any manner of activity, whereas the arms and legs are constantly bending, rising, stretching, and so on. Small wonder Alexander considered this relativity primary.
Of course, Kingsley is not wrong to point out the interdependence of all processes in the body. It is certainly true that undue tension in the feet creates a downward pull on the head, neck and back. Yet what is crucial to understand here is that in the context of learning and teaching the Alexander Technique, the primary control is an indispensable concept. It instructs the pupil to guide his or her attention through the body in the sequence most fit to facilitate proper relativity of all the parts, and it names succinctly that natural, visible, dynamic yet enduring relativity of the head, neck and back observable in little children and animals as well as many great musicians and athletes. Thus Kingsley discards a practical concept in favor of a truism about "interdependence;" and so we come to his second, graver error.
Direction
Here it begins to seem that what Kingsley writes of in his introduction is not the Alexander Technique at all, but in fact the Kingsley Technique, since he has redefined not only the primary control, but two other conceptual pillars of the technique: inhibition and direction.
First, he takes aim at direction, neglecting to elucidate Alexander's own definition of the concept before setting out the axiom that "aiming for postural improvements using postural directions leads to a bodymind[sic] attitude of effort and trying, which simply reinforces the problem." Dismissing as superfluous all "ideas and images about heads, necks and backs," he declares that "the trying[sic] self is the obstacle, and the shift towards a non-trying[sic] self is the solution." Finally, he offers his own definition of the directions as "the natural flow of energy and vibrancy that exists within the organism," directions which are interfered with "when we are in a condition of stress and reactivity."
Here, again, Kingsley takes a practical concept which Alexander developed based on careful observation of his own muscular action, and replaces it with a kind of mystical or spiritual phenomenon which, implicitly, only the initiated can perceive.2 Thus the famous directions are not, as Alexander described repeatedly, a series of mental orders or intentions projected to oneself before and during muscular activity along lines one has reasoned out in advance, but a "natural flow of energy and vibrancy"—just as the primary control is not, as Alexander saw it, a concrete, observable relativity of the head, neck and back, but an "unknown and unseen self-righting and self-healing mechanism." These pseudo-spiritual definitions do a massive disservice to neophyte readers, and reveal Kingsley's muddled seeing in relation to the central problem addressed by the Alexander Technique: how to shed habit and coordinate the bodymind through reasoned conception and conscious awareness.
But for a moment let us leave aside direction, since a subtler and more misleading error still lurks in Kingsley's presentation: his dismissal of conception itself. He explicitly warns that "ideas, concepts and cognitive efforts reinforce the very mental instrument that is the problem in the first place," he advises us to simply trust that "the prevention or inhibition[sic] of reaction, maintains or liberates this stream of energy [or direction] in the body."
To understand Kingsley's error, we must return to Alexander. In Man's Supreme Inheritance, Alexander sets out four stages to the "performance of any muscular action by conscious guidance and control:"

1. The conception of the movement required;
2. The inhibition of erroneous preconceived ideas which subconsciously suggest the manner in which the movement or series of movements should be performed;
3. The new and conscious mental orders which will set in motion the muscular mechanism essential to the correct performance of the action;
4. The movements (contractions and expansions) of the muscles which carry out the mental orders.

Alexander considered "conception of the movement required" the very first stage in his technique, to precede even inhibition. Thus he made clear, if indirectly, that in the context of his technique, clear conception is essential to achieving a desired end. Incidentally, this is a fact any competent artist can attest to; if a composition is not unambiguously understood and organized within one's memory, it cannot be brought to fruition. Even the most simple act, such as extending one's arm to grasp a nearby object, requires a detailed conception of distance, weight, strength, and so forth; if the object turns out to be heavier than expected, the conception of these variables and their relation to one another, and hence the muscular action, must change. This is direction in action, albeit subconscious.
Yet Kingsley belittles conception, instead leaning on concepts like "ease," "letting go" "acceptance," and the like. He is not alone in this among teachers, but in my opinion, they overlook the influence of what Alexander termed "erroneous beliefs," a concept closely related to that of "unreliable sensory appreciation." Both could be read in the spiritual lexicon alongside "letting go," etc.; but that would place their referent outside the realm of what words and concepts can describe. On the contrary, Alexander was pointing to something concrete and empirically observable: to errors of spatio-motor perception able to be observed phenomenologically and in other people's behavior; not to transcendent truths about observation itself. Thus the classic example of an Alexandrian "erroneous belief" is a person who raises their arm and believes their shoulder has remained still when it has not. The key for the pupil in this instance is to gain an accurate conception5 of their own muscular action, in reference to bodily sensations; not to simply "let go" or "do nothing."3 And this conception must come about through active tutelage—e.g. Alexander Technique lessons—or, dare I say, the way Alexander himself did it: by reasoned experimentation, conceiving hypotheses based on careful register and analysis of his own sensations, and also by watching the behavior of others. John Dewey called the technique scientific for a reason.
All of this is not to understate the importance of concepts like "release" and "effortlessness," including in the context of the Alexander Technique. Seeing more or less what is meant by them is doubtless the key to mastery of all activities, all practices, all techniques. Yet those spiritual concepts should not blot out the very concrete technique Alexander developed for improving what he called "the use of the self:" that coordination of the muscular system, achieved through conscious reason, which influences for better or worse the functioning of the whole organism.4
Inhibition
So much for direction. What about inhibition? Under the heading "Inhibition and Non-Doing," Kingsley describes Alexander's understanding of inhibition as "an artificial pause between stimulus and reaction," after which he could "give directions to himself." Then he lays down the gauntlet, stating that in the "real world […] life does not offer us the choice to inhibit:" since according to neuroscience research, "neural reactions take milliseconds and are faster than conscious thought processes." In other words, "we either react to the stimulus, or not." So, with inhibition proven impossible, Kingsley is left with no choice but to "reformulate" another of Alexander's concepts, offering us a supposedly scientifically enlightened6 view that inhibition is really "a quality of non-doing[sic] that needs to be already available in the organism before the receipt of a stimulus." This is "a way of being[sic] rather than a way of doing[sic]."
This Kingsleyan inhibition turns out to be the essence of the technique, since it is this very "condition of non-doing[sic]" the teacher is supposed to transmit, through a touch Kingsley describes as "a dance of poetry and a symphony of silence." With it, the teacher imparts a "deep sense of acceptance" by which "change emerges in the pupil."7 He goes on to compare the Alexander Technique to "Zen Buddhism, mindfulness and the philosophy of non-duality," identifying the uniqueness of the Alexander Technique in "the transmission of immediate experience." In fact, there is no Alexander Technique as such, but only inhibition:
The Chinese Tao has a concept of Wu Wei[sic], which translates as surrendering to the effortless flow of life[sic], or non-doing[sic] action. Ultimately, the Alexander Technique needs to reinvent itself and relinquish the Technique. The Alexander Teacher really teaches nothing[sic!]. But this nothing or emptiness is in fact the deepest essence of being and the fullness of life. Like grace, it drops onto us and into us when the conditions are ripe.
The problem is that Alexander's own writings indicate that inhibition is not a "quality," a "condition," or a "surrendering to the effortless flow of life." On the contrary, according to Universal Constant in Living, it is "the act of refusing to respond to the primary desire to gain an end, [which] becomes the act of responding (volitionary act) to the conscious reasoned desire to employ the means whereby that end may be gained." As clear as day: inhibition is an action in response to the stimulus of conscious desire: a conscious, continuing refusal to do a thing the way one normally does it. Alexander saw that this inhibitory act had to precede in every instance any attempt to change his habits. Everyone is well familiar with the inhibitory act. The act of not indulging an immediate desire, however small, is it. So, inhibition is not an "artificial pause," but a phenomenologically observable process within the organism, a process that can be made habitual through practice. It is no more abstract and transcendent than blinking or moving one's finger.7
Here Kingsley again takes something ordinary and concrete and makes it mystical, going so far as to "relinquish the Technique." The trouble is that there is a good reason the Alexander Technique came to be known as such. A technique is a skillful way of doing something; a mental tool; a procedure. Ways of doing can be found everywhere: techniques for dance, for romance, for healing, even for attaining nirvana or enlightenment. Each has a goal in mind and is based on what worked in the past; each resorts to concepts to explain itself; each prescribes action, or doing something a certain way. Yet Kingsley dismisses the idea of doing anything at all. Equating the Alexander Technique with "nothing," he tosses out the concepts Alexander spent decades refining, when Alexander's genius was precisely to conceive a useful, coherent way of doing things through patient observation of the phenomena he termed inhibition, direction, primary control, and the rest.
So, the technique may encompass all the acts of living, but it is still a technique. Alexander often used the term "procedure" to describe it, and I think procedure is as apt a word as any to describe the application of his technique to the acts of living. He constantly stressed the technique's sequential, stepwise nature and recorded countless practical examples of it in action, both in hypotheticals and accounts of lessons. The technique is not a metaphysics or a philosophy like non-duality; it is a practical procedure with a clear purpose: restoring
advantageous, natural relativity of the head, neck and back.
Conclusion
The technique is blindingly simple but surprisingly subtle and difficult to master; and, as far as I am aware, it is unique. Unfortunately, Kingsley is not alone in overlooking the uniqueness and subtleties of the technique in favor of spiritual truisms and platitudes. I suspect there are two main reasons for this.
The first is the tendency of serious pupils of the technique to become more open to "spirituality," both philosophically (e.g. non-duality) and in terms of sadhana (e.g. meditation, yoga, self-inquiry). Many are enthusiastic about the similarities between the Alexander Technique and, for example, mindfulness practice. It is certainly true that the technique requires the pupil to have some degree of "mindfulness," or the ability to realize when the mind has wandered; and it is also true that a few people who devote themselves to the technique come upon some of the same insights one might find in spiritual practice. Yet spiritual insight is not the purpose of the technique. In my opinion, the Alexander Technique is a relative of energy practices such as Hatha yoga, qigong, and TRE (trauma release exercises). Such techniques are often used in tandem with spiritual practices meant for the cultivation of insight, but their purpose has traditionally been preparatory and salutary, not "spiritual." One need not stray too esoteric to encounter the idea that the real goal of spirituality has nothing to do with "ways of doing." On the other hand, Qigong explicitly aims to regulate qi in the body; kundalini yoga is concerned with the flow of prana; the Alexander Technique seeks to restore the good use of the primary control. More practically, the technique teaches mental discipline, and ultimately the ability of the nervous system to regulate itself. Such a practice may lay the groundwork for spiritual realization, but it is by no means indistinguishable from it.
While there is no point speculating about Alexander's private insights, one thing can be certain: he left us a definite procedure with a practical, concrete purpose—not a transcendental one. Yet Kingsley's introduction continually implies the Alexander Technique is an essentially spiritual practice with heavenly fruit. Disparaging the core concepts that constitute the Alexander Technique, he invites us instead to simply "surrender," "let go in faith," and blindly trust that its real essence—nothing less than Wu Wei—will be transmitted through the "rare, "unconditional" touch of the teacher.
The second, more obvious reason Alexander has been so misunderstood is that he rarely wrote concisely, and in any case, recognition and conception of the primary control can never be refined through words, but only through unfamiliar sensory experiences—either reasoned out, as Alexander did, or in the hands of a good teacher. Hence there is more than a kernel of truth to Kingsley's view of the "supreme value of guidance with the hands;" yet I differ from him in that I insist the Alexander Technique cannot be divorced from intellectual understanding and, indeed, conception.
The Use of the Self and Alexander's other works certainly were not without their flaws, but at their best they illuminate concepts which are nuanced, rich, and useful when applied. Primary control, direction and inhibition are three such concepts. Whatever their flaws, Alexander's books point the way to a wonderful technique, and they deserve thoughtful, probing introductions like Dewey's—not dismissals.
1 Like many other Alexandrian terms, the concrete meaning of "forward and up" seems incredibly controversial among Alexander Technique teachers. While I conceive it roughly as freedom of the atlanto-occipital joint, the term cannot be understood in isolation from the rest of the parts—namely, from one's conception of the primary control. It seems to experience it, one must discover it, as Alexander did, or be shown it by a teacher.
2 This is not to say there are not phenomena only some people perceive.
3An overemphasis on "letting go" and the like obscures the fact that Alexander always described the technique as consisting of stages or sequential steps, which in my opinion constitute the "means whereby" he wrote of.
4 "Use of the self" is another problematic term. Related to the concept of "good form" and "good technique" among athletes and musicians, it refers essentially to coordination of the musculature along reasoned lines, which is not separate from conception of the primary control. Equal and opposite is the term "misuse," since one's idea of misuse depends on one's idea of good use. Different teachers understand the term differently. Kingsley states that "bodily tensions and distortions become fixed and reinforced as we react to the general stimuli of living." True enough. Yet he goes on to imply it is associated only with fear, anxiety and distress. Again he couples this concept to the language of contemporary spirituality, trumpeting that it "alienates us from our own true nature." This is to completely ignore the point Alexander returned to again and again in his own writing: that the use of the self is inextricably linked with conception. No doubt, tension and imbalance are very often inextricable from fear. But there may be another class of misuse: one based on misconceptions about the body, unexamined movement patterns from childhood which have little or nothing to do with manifestations of stress or emotions in the body. I suspect one may experience profound psychophysical quietude yet still tend to throw their head back and down in relation to their neck and back, especially in movement.
5Kingsley writes that the teacher's touch indicates the "negation of trying and doing within the pupil." Even a token mention of guidance viz. the relativity of the body parts is nowhere to be found. Yet in my opinion this discussion of touch is misleading, since nothing like it can be found at all in Alexander's writings. On the contrary, Alexander stressed that the teacher's role was to demonstrate manually the proper relativity of the pupil's parts, with the means whereby of the technique; not to transmit "a way of being," nor indeed enlightenment or gnosis.
6 Neuroscientific findings relating to will and volition have proliferated in recent years. They may raise fundamental questions about the nature of self and will, but in my opinion they have little to do with the Alexander Technique, no more than they do with dancing or playing an instrument. If there are really recognizable activities Alexander termed "inhibition" and "direction," then his writings are timeless, since they speak from direct observation and experiment, not philosophy about "free will" and the like.
7 In spiritual literature one encounters, almost universally, the idea that there is no "doer" of action, or no "doer" but God. Hence Kingsley is implying that Alexandrian inhibition is somehow related to this concept, which Buddha famously summarized: "Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no doer thereof." In my opinion, the Alexander Technique has nothing more to do with this than does reading, writing, or playing a game. There may be "procedures followed, but no follower thereof."

For context, this story happened nearly 3 years ago, however a recent late-night conversation with a friend made it clear to me that the repercussions of this incident are still being felt to this day.
I (25M) met my now-ex girlfriend (25F), whom I will be assigning the fake name "Anne," when we were both 17 at our small town high school in semi-rural Georgia. Our romantic relationship began following our senior prom which we attended together. Despite our approaching high school graduations, the two of us decided that we could make our relationship work beyond high school and into college since we would both be attending different universities in the same city. We each grew up in typical southern protestant traditions and casually held onto some sort of religious beliefs. I, myself, have always identified religiously as something of a deist, meaning I believed (and still do to this day) that some sort of higher entity, force, or meaning was responsible for existence. Anne, at that time, would have self-identified as a Christian and attended church semi-regularly, however it was never a significant part of her life or attitude toward the world.
Shortly after we both began our new lives as college students in an unfamiliar city, Anne expressed that she would like to search for a new church to attend regularly as it helped create a sense of community and belonging for her which she had been missing since moving away from home. I strongly encouraged this, since I wanted her to be able to make friends and discover herself philosophically. The church that caught her attention was a non-denominational "modern" church that seemed to emphasize community at least on a surface level basis. However, out of curiosity, I took a look at the church's website and did notice a few mentions of "Pentecostal experience", which worried me since my only knowledge of Pentecostals was rumors of snake handling, especially in the more rural areas of the South. However, I chose to not be too judgmental upfront and continued to encourage her to find herself and meet new people.
Over the next few months, Anne started to spend more and more time devoted to bible studies and attending gatherings for women at the church. She specifically asked me not to accompany her on Sunday services since, as she put it, the elder members of the church would not act too kindly about unmarried woman "dragging around" some unfamiliar man who was not her husband. It became clear pretty quickly that she was becoming more than just a casual Christian and I supported this, however we did not talk much about the specifics of what she was being taught at this church.
This all came to a head when one night, Anne asked me if she could pray over me in something she called a "spiritual language." Having only ever heard vaguely of speaking in tongues, I obliged. I sat next to her on my couch and watched as she raised one hand and began quietly chanting in complete gibberish. My heart immediately sank in discomfort and fear but I was too stunned to do anything. so I just sat and watched for several minutes until she finally went quiet. All I could do or say was tell her that I appreciated her thoughtfulness and went about my day.
Pretty soon, the behaviors and acts became more and more extreme. Her "tongues" became louder and more intense and began to include violent shakes and lots (and I mean LOTS) of crying. She spoke of seeing "signs" and hearing "the voice of God" in a very literal sense. Her grades in college even began to suffer as more and more of her time was devoted to these newfound beliefs. Naturally, I became extremely worried that she was slowly slipping into some sort of paranoid delusional psychosis. At the very least, these teachings made her into a much angrier and more paranoid person. It was clear that her new beliefs were more than just a spiritual awakening but also a nose-dive into a mental health crisis.
Our relationship, at this point, was very clearly waning but my feelings toward the woman I once knew were still strong. I decided that it was time for an intervention of sorts. This resulted in me spending a whole weekend studying Pentecostal beliefs and reading Reddit stories from ex-Pentecostals about what it took to break them out of their conditioning. It was on a Monday night when I invited her over to my apartment to confront her about how the things her church were teaching her were actively harming her and even presented her with evidence of how these churches prey on mentally unwell people and how "speaking in tongues" was nothing more than an experience in her own brain chemicals. While I had hoped that hearing her new beliefs be directly confronted would help break the spell they had on her, it seemed to have no effect. Surprisingly, she did not fight back or show much anger toward my confrontation, instead resorting to the "please respect my beliefs" argument that made it so hard to push back against, since, at this time, I was still concerned about preserving our relationship.
Unfortunately, things only got worse from here. I spent some time trying to ignore the issue for the sake of the relationship, especially because I did not sense that I had many other romantic options given my shy nature and struggles to make new friends at college. However, my new "ignorance is bliss" approach to our relationship did not last long. At this point, we had been together for about 3 years and the conversation of marriage and kids started to become serious. I have always wanted kids since I come from a large family with many siblings, which Anne seemingly was excited about as well. However, after a pleasant conversation in which we fantasized about what we would name our children, she said something that sparked an anger in me that I did not often feel. She told me that if any of our future children came out to us as gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, or anything like that, that we would have to disown that child at all costs and that she could not love her child knowing that they were a "sodomite" (her words). I have always considered myself an ally of LGBTQ+ folks and wouldn't think twice about loving my children any less if they came out to me and have always felt this way. I did not say much in the moment out of pure shock and instead steered the conversation elsewhere while I quietly boiled over in anger over this comment.
Here is where the title of this post comes into play and where my role in this interaction enters a grey area. I spent several days unable to let this anger subside while imagining my own perspective children being thrown to the streets for bravely coming out to their own parents. I decided that another intervention was necessary, except this time I didn't want to be ignored. I came up with a plan that I referred to as a "scorched earth" intervention. Over the course of an evening, I began texting, calling, or messaging almost every person that Anne was close to. This included family, friends, past friends, classmates, and even some plain old acquaintances. I needed her paranoid and hateful beliefs to be confronted by more than just myself and hoped that if everyone important to her also expressed concern; that she would separate herself from this church and seek proper mental health counseling.
The responses I received from Anne's friends and family ranged significantly. Some people, including her mother whom I was close with, asked that I not try to "insert myself between Anne and God". Some friends agreed with me wholeheartedly and would reach out to Anne over text or in person to try and offer help. Some people met me with total apathy. Unsurprisingly, once Anne found out what I did, she broke things off over a brief but highly emotional phone call. She told me that I had embarrassed her and that supposedly God was telling her I wasn't the man she was supposed to marry. It did not hurt too bad since I was anticipating the end of this relationship for a while. The effects of my approach seemingly had lasting impacts on many of her relationships, however. At least one longtime friendship had ended because the friend was appalled by Anne's new paranoid beliefs. It was also unsuccessful, as Anne would never seek mental health counseling. In fact, it probably pushed her further into her church crowd - only further bolstering her new delusions.
Since much time has passed, I have started to feel uncertain whether or not I did the right thing in trying to have all of Anne's friends and family confront her about her extreme beliefs. At the time, I felt that I was justified and doing the right thing by trying to encourage a clearly delusion person to seek mental health counseling by any means necessary. Now, I am able to realize that I acted out of anger and permanently damaged how some of her oldest friends view her. I also realize that I acted immaturely and probably should not have tried to bring in every person close to Anne to fight a battle on my behalf.
Nowadays, Anne is still with that church and regularly posts on Facebook all sorts of whacky spiritual conspiracies. She is still very clearly paranoid and delusional all while putting on a facade of normalcy. I just pity her for living in a constant state of paranoia at this point. She even works full time with the church as a "worship leader," although I am not sure what exactly that means. She actually got married about a year after the relationship ended to a man she met at her church. They met, got engaged, and married all within 12 months. Thankfully, no children have been brought into this world yet from their relationship, which is surprising to me considering how urgent it seemed to her during our relationship. I do not hear much from any friends or family of hers anymore, other than one mutual friend who told me that Anne frequently refers to me as "that demon." As for myself, I finished school and have not married but was able to finally make friends and go on dates and my future is looking bright.
So, Reddit, am I the asshole for my "scorched earth" methods towards my fanatical ex-girlfriend?

How to begin?
I'm a 38F; single.
My hobbies are D&D, art, video games, traveling, and karate. I play D&D every weekend, and go to karate 3xs/week. I work full-time doing tech-related things for a small department.
While I have "friends", I feel as though I'm often the only one reaching out to see how they are, or the only one wanting to spend time together.
I've given up the dating scene for now as it's been really disappointing after the last 3 months with local men, and a hurtful last year with falling for someone who never did (and still doesn't 'see me' or know what makes me tick.) He and I were friends before the situation, and still are, but he's distant; which sucks as I feel the closest to him more than anyone else in the area....though it may be one-sided at this point.
At work, I feel like an outlier as I don't fit in with the other girls in the department that I work with. Hobbies, age, body type; everything is different. Most of them are married as well. None of them do tech, and I feel awkward being in groups of women as most of my hobbies have always been male-dominated and I'm more comfortable talking about geek stuff than getting my nails done or the latest video on Tiktok.
D&D is fun, and I like several of the people that I play with, but they are all married/have children, while I have neither of those. And some of them are good friends of people who I don't get along with at all, and would rather not be around.
I love karate. I would go to class every day if I could. The dojo feels like my spiritual home, but it's small with a lot of kids. I would love to spend time with some of the people that go there, but they're always so busy; usually with their families or their jobs. They'll make promises to hang out, and not follow through. Or they'll make plans with me, and then change them without discussing them with me first; telling me afterwards when I've already made other plans and can't join them with their new plans.
I think the worst thing is hearing them talk about going home to their families, or the ones who are roommates; ask each other what they want for dinner as they walk out together...They say we're friends, but friends make time to hang out together, don't they? I often just end up sitting in my car for awhile after class; either in the parking lot or at home, as I don't want to return to an empty place. (I can't afford a pet right now.)
I spent 7.5 years teaching English both in Korea and Japan. The isolation and loneliness there was to be expected; with the language and cultural barrier and whatnot. I even got so lonely that I signed up for junk emails just so 'someone' would email me. I also started writing a diary and emails that I never sent to feel like maybe someone was hearing me. So I guess that I felt like when I got back here, I would naturally fall into friendships and relationships, but that hasn't been the case. My local friends from high school I feel as though I've outgrown, and my foreigner friends that I made in Japan aren't allowed to talk after a certain time, are busy with s/os, or are depressed so don't want to talk anymore.
I know that I'm "really cool" and a good person and friend with a big heart. I've heard it alot. But it just feels like if I were to slowly disappear, would people notice? Would they even care past the work I do or me being one of the few women at the dojo? I love the dojo, and I want to help there with whatever I can, but I often feel shot down when I offer to help with things; even if I have the skills or experience to help and they could really use my help.
Sometimes I fantasize that my friends would call upon me for help and support with something and I could swoop in there and be appreciated by them. I guess I just want to be wanted and needed by someone, if not something. I want to be included, and invited to things. I want to help my friends and have a strong bond with them and spend time outside of our shared hobbies with each other. I want to belong somewhere.
I miss the community that I had in high school. I tried joining community band here, but it didn't go well so I joined karate instead. My online gaming friends either are busy with their gfs and we very rarely game together now, or they no longer have a subscription to play online.
I've tried to embrace the fun parts about being alone; like staying in pajamas or staying up late or following my own plans. I'll take myself out to do fun things, like seeing a movie, or lunch, or the beach, but the novelty wears off when I get home and I'm alone and have no one to really share it with. Except Facebook.
While I was invited to a friend's birthday party last-minute, I'm also currently under an incredible amount of stress at the moment with my dad being in the hospital, and having to see him nearly every day. I haven't been able to focus on work, and when I get home, I'm mentally and physically tapped out. Household affairs have greatly fallen behind and it makes me come down on myself even harder...why do other people not have this problem and not break down and cry like I do? I've been so frustrated and hard on myself lately... I have a therapy appointment next month, but that's still so far away.
I just really need a hug, and an invitation to hang out with friends and be seen and understood without judgement.
Thank you for listening.