Back in the barnyard porn

TL;DR: my best friend created a fake identity to cheat on his girlfriend.
I do not have anyone else to talk about this. I'll probably delete this after a while because I think he tends to lurk around these types of subs.
We've been friends with my best friend for nearly eight years. I love him like a brother and we have confided in each other very personal stuff, as best friends do. He is the most extroverted person I have known in my entire life. Theater kid, has a way with words that is just incredible.
Last night, in a tell-all moment, he revealed to me that he had been lying about his life for the past month or two. He has cheated on his partner, and made entire friendgroups using a fake name and fake social media accounts (Instagram, Tinder) hidden from our social circle and me.
His girlfriend [19F] of 9 months moved to Europe a month and a half ago for an academic exchange. If I remember correctly, she is going to be back in two months or so. Our friends and I told him that she would be back in no time, and although this would surely be a painful experience, we would try to support him as best as we could. During the first week he seemed genuinely heartbroken due to the distance.
But, ironically, he had set these accounts up even BEFORE she left, in "preparation" for her departure. He links this behavior with his porn and sex addiction, which he also revealed to me last night. He said he doesn't think about his girlfriend when he cheats, that he was driven by some impulse, and has said a lot of shit that probably makes sense in his mind but for me it's complete bullshit. He knows it's bad, but apparently his mind doesn't register it as "bad". That he is not cheating on his girlfriend, but on himself.
Take into account that he was doing this at the same time that he complained to me that his girlfriend was going out of her way to make him jealous, or that he felt insecure in comparison to European guys.
He stated that this fake life that he created for himself was a way to "live his 20s", as he feels empty, unstatisfied, and in desperate need of validation. But I have friends who have felt like that and have not done THIS SHIT. And this dude does not have a bad life at all. He has tons of friends, a loving partner, a good job, a place to live and the opportunity to go to university.
Allegedly, I am the only person who knows about this, and according to him, telling me is his first step towards stopping this nonsense. I am not going to tell his girlfriend about the cheating because honestly it is not my burden to bear and if I did, I have no proof, only his word.
I woke up feeling like shit for knowing all of this, and I told him I would distance myself from him until he gets psychological help and proves he can behave again, because I consider all this shit to be very low.
What would you have done in my situation? Is his behavior narcissistic? Am I exaggerating for threatening to cut him out? I need input.

Blake was listening to his sister through his headphones while she ripped into him about his hopeless addiction to pornography. He rolled his eyes as she went on and on about his sexist attitudes and his distorted views on women and sex. If his sister had only known that he was scrolling through explicitly drawn versions of Marge Simpson and Lois Griffin in various poses with various props, she would have hung up the phone and given up.
As far as Blake was concerned there were no distortions in his mind about women. He had lived through so many interactions and had seen so many videos of women being terrible people that it only reinforced his bias.
Porn didn’t judge Blake. Porn didn’t make Blake do things that he didn’t want to do. He spent time with women the way he wanted to. If he wanted a woman to act a certain way, he could find a video where she did just that.
The way he saw it, women wanted a lot, and if they didn’t get what they wanted, they made everyone’s life hell until they did. Conversely, if a man wanted something, it was tough luck. He watched his mother treat his father like that until the day he died, overworked and unhappy.
Less than a year after his mother put his father in the ground, she was with someone else that she was all too happy to control. Porn gave Blake the control, and he liked it.
“Blake, I love you, but you’re going to waste your whole life in front of a screen holding your dick.”
“Don’t you have another kid that you should be working on squirting out?”
She hung up.

Blake was caught watching videos at work again, but this time he had a plan. He knew eventually that he would be caught, but after losing three jobs for the very same reason, he hatched a simple way of ensuring that he wouldn’t lose out on any money, and be able to stick it to the boss and company he hated for no other reason than employing him.
Blake was called into his manager’s office, but before anything could be said, Blake blurted out that he needed to take mental leave. He sobbed in front of his manager while he said that the job was giving him thoughts of hopelessness and self harm, but he was smiling on the inside. He was talking just loud enough for a few people outside of the office to hear him.
His manager's face was red.
“Cornered you, bitch.” Blake thought to himself. “Good luck firing someone who’s crying out for mental help.”
Blake figured that he’d be able to stretch this out for at least a month. A month of paid time off doing what he loved.

“It’s my phone!” he muttered to himself as he rode the elevator down to his new found freedom. “If people have a problem with the things I’m looking at, perhaps they shouldn’t be looking over my shoulder and mind their own fucking business.”
He didn’t mind the other people in the elevator, or their awkward expressions. They didn’t matter to him. No one really did.

Still on a high from manipulating his boss into a corner, Blake decided to do something new on the bus ride to his apartment building. He clicked on a video. He wasn’t exactly watching the video, rather he was watching people’s reactions out of the corners of his eyes.
He kept the volume low, but up just enough so the moaning could be heard.
At first, people around him were wondering if they were actually hearing what they thought they were hearing.
He was trying not to laugh at their reactions. People began to move to other seats, and soon enough, everyone was giving him disgusted looks.
“Fuck em.” he whispered.
He noticed one man sitting in the back of the bus who was giving him quite a different look than everyone else. The man was well dressed. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth.
He was smiling at Blake.
Blake, a self admitted and overly enthusiastic homophobe, turned off the video. He began to worry that he had attracted the wrong kind of attention.

Blake was all too eager to get out of the bus and hurry towards the doors to his building. He heard a voice behind him that caused him to catch a breath and lose his forward progress. He turned around. It was the beautiful man from the back of the bus.
“Excuse me! I’d like to have a word!”
Blake found his voice hypnotic, and his stride was elegant, almost like he was floating just above the cracked and cruddy sidewalk.
“I uh… couldn’t help but notice what you were doing on the bus young man. I think I have something you might be interested in.”
Blake was lost in that voice. He had never been attracted to another man, but he was feeling things inside himself that he’d never felt before, and he hated himself for it. After a long awkward silence, Blake finally found his voice.
“Look buddy, take your pixy dust and bother someone else. You’re not my type.”
“Oh, you’re definitely my type.” The beautiful man laughed and handed him a plain white business card with nothing but a web address on it. “In so many different ways, you’re exactly my type.”
“What is this?”
“It’s my business, Kid. You want videos you can’t tear yourself away from? Trust me. It’s the newest thing.”
He winked at Blake and walked away.
-
Blake was staring at his screen while he was riding in the elevator. There was a paywall. A dollar for the first month, then a hundred dollars a month after that.
No screenshots or thumbnails, just a form for a credit card. As the doors opened to his floor, he put his phone in his pocket and decided against any further investigation. He was sure that it was a scam of some kind.

Until ten o’clock that night, Blake engaged in his normal activities with one new addition he had begun almost two weeks prior. He built two shelves in front of two different air vents in his apartment, and he had placed speakers on the shelves. The tenants in his building got to experience all of the auditory pleasures of the thrusting and jiggling and smacking that he was watching.
Blake made sure he followed the rules, and nothing came out of those speakers after ten p.m., but it was fair game until that time.
He would laugh to himself thinking about the tenants having to listen. He wasn’t sure how far the sound traveled through the vents, but he figured that most people on his floor were getting a good chunk of it.
That night though, his usual joyful time in front of his phone, his 70 inch television, and his newly discovered fondness for Cerave was marred by the thought of something unique and dangerous out there that he hadn’t seen.
After several attempts at a satisfactory denouement in his masturbatory madness, Blake finally gave up, raised the white flag on its limp post, and went to bed.

Blake kept hearing the man’s siren-like voice in his head while he tried to sleep. After almost two hours of tossing and turning, he sat up and snatched his phone from the charger and typed his credit card information into the mysterious site. He just had to know.
The site opened up and he was instantly intrigued. There were no thumbnails on any of the videos, but the descriptions on each of them were so graphic, profane, and dehumanizing that it would do us all a great service if they were not repeated here. Blake’s favorite appendage however, jumped to a zealous attention at the graphic depictions that the perverse descriptions painted within his brain.
Blake stripped off his briefs and sat down on the edge of his bed. His left hand gripped the phone while his right hand eagerly gripped something else.
He clicked on the first video and it began to load.
Blake waited.
And waited.
And waited.
The video wasn’t loading, so Blake decided to try another one, only to find that his left thumb wouldn’t move. He realized that his entire body was stiff. Nothing would move with the exception of his eyes. He couldn’t even speak.
All he could do was stare at the glowing screen in the darkness of his apartment.
After a moment, his mind started to race while his body remained ridiculously rigid.

Three hours had passed. Blake had been able to see every minute tick by. He had watched his battery meter slowly run down to eighty percent. He had thought that his screen would eventually turn off, but it never did. It was still trying to load the video.
Something was tickling his nose and his face itched. His back had begun to ache and he felt some tiny pin pricks along his still turgid tool. He wanted to cry, but nothing would come. In fact, his eyes had begun to dry because he had not been able to blink.
Blake watched another hour go by before his body finally succumbed to exhaustion and fell into a deep sleep, in spite of the fact that he could not close his eyes.

He awoke six hours later and his vision was partially obscured. Still holding his phone and his phallus, Blake tried to scream. The sun was now coming through the window of his apartment. He could see his reflection in the mirror that was on the opposite wall. His hair was long, and it was white. A spotty and wiry beard had exploded out of his face and it hung down to just above his enlarged and sagging nipples set in a sagging and flabby chest.
His breaths were shorty and ragged; phlegm was gurgling with each inspiration.
His arms and legs were covered in large liver spots and all of his skin was a purple paper thin.
He was old.
The shock of seeing his hunched and rigid reflection had staved off the feeling of pain from his nether regions for only a moment. His fingernails were growing on his hands. Some of the yellow things were curling around his phone while the others were curling and jabbing into what now looked like a deflated balloon stretched too thin, that was desperately trying to retreat into his abdomen against his rigid grip.
The battery on his phone was blinking.
It was about to die. He wondered what happened when the battery ran out, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew exactly what would happen when that loading screen finally went dark.
His sister’s words were all he could think about as the screen and the world went dark.

After several nights of peace, Blake’s neighbors noticed an awful smell emanating from the air vents. After several complaints, the building’s Super opened Blake’s apartment and found the withered, still rigid frame of a dead old man sitting upright on the edge of the bed.
After taking several photos that he would post later on social media and stealthily absconding with almost a full bottle of Cerave, the Super called the authorities.

Hello! Obviously I’m here because of the title. My (26 F) boyfriend (29m) and I have been together for almost 7 years. I love him so much. He is an amazing partner, I feel loved, and I don’t connect with him like I do with anyone else. A year into our relationship he was having some Ed problems I found out he was using phone sex lines to masterbate and I was really hurt, he told me he thought he had a porn addiction and he felt very guilty about the whole thing and that’s why he was having issues when we had sex. and realizing now he didn’t really want to stop, because I compromised and said that he could do it if it made him happy. He went to addiction therapy and to be honest I don’t think he truly worked on the problem and for some reason we just never brought it up again. I knew he watched porn, and tbh I knew when he would, but to protect myself and my feelings I never really brought it up because I was scared of addressing it (stupid I know, but porn is so normalized in our society I just kind of felt like I had to accept it)
Fast forward through those 6 years, we never really fight, we get along great, we have sex, we do things together and I felt connected. Although recently, we both have been going through a LOT, family issues and illnesses and a lot of stress. Tbh I had been feeling disconnected because I could tell he was acting different and he was not happy in life. He told me he had been using phone sex operators and sexting with strangers (who he knows he will never meet) and watching cam models to masterbate and that he was trying to convince himself that I was ok with it because I said I was…. ( I already know people are going to say he probably physically cheated on me. I know he never did and he never would, he is too honest and I know he respects me too much) He claims he feels nothing towards them and doesn’t even care about what these people look like, he just uses them as “tools” He would do it every day. I was shocked, like genuinely. I had no idea it was this bad. I was so hurt because I have never not wanted to have sex and I try to be sexy and I usually always want to have sex. It made me feel very insecure and confused because I know I’m attractive, and so in my head it didn’t make sense to me. Why would you choose these people over me?!
We split up for a few days and I kept thinking about it, and him. I love him so much. But he has always been honest when asked, but I just never asked to protect myself.
We had a very long talk and he confessed he has been feeling very depressed and unworthy of my love and that I would sometimes shut him down when it came to sexual topics ( I realize now that I would do that, and i think back now and maybe it was to protect my feelings) and he moved an hour away from his friends and family to live with me and honestly doesn’t have many friends where we live. So he had been feeling like he was missing out on human connection beyond me. He told me as a kid he would masterbate often to make him himself feel better. He feels awful for what he did and knows that he hurt me and said the right thing to make me feel ok about it. (I know he loves me and would do anything for me) he wants to actually do addiction therapy and he was saying he was proud of himself because he had not masterbated for a few days since we split and he said it wouldn’t feel as good if he did it now. He starts therapy in a few days and I don’t want to make excuses for his shitty behavior but it makes sense that he would do it given his past and wanting to self soothe and if he felt unable to talk to me about things then it makes sense. (What he did was still wrong)
I guess I’m saying all of this because in my heart I know he has a problem, it never truly got solved and I hate that we just brushed over it without actually fixing the problem. I am looking for a male perspective, or advice, or anything. Is it worth going through this journey? I love him so much and he initiated this entire recent conversation by wanting to go to therapy.
Is it harsh to expect him to not do anything related to phone sex or I consider it cheating or we’re done forever? I want him to get better but I’m so scared. He says those people mean nothing to him, and he doesn’t want to lose me. I just feel a little lost.
I want to continue this relationship so badly.
I appreciate your thoughts and please be kind to me, I know some people would just say dump his as, but if this is truly an addiction I want to be there for him. I know he is not a bad person.

CW: references to homosexual acts and pornography
I made a new account for these posts.
I’m a 31-year-old woman. I’m married to a wonderful man, who I’ve been with for over 8 years. We are unable to have children.
Looking back, I recognize that I was experiencing SSA even in childhood, before I knew what was happening or that it was atypical. I played sports and can remember really wanting to be around certain other girls and when I got older I realized these were crushes.
Around high school I started feeling attracted to men, too, and I thought maybe it had just been a phase or that I was mildly bisexual. I was a little lost during my college years for a multitude of reasons and was intimate with many partners of all genders, but mostly men.
When I was 22 I met my husband and knew that he was life partner material. We are truly best friends. He is aware of my SSA and past and has been very supportive. We have an adequate amount of intimacy.
The past few years I’ve really been struggling with feeling very confused and like something is missing. It was like suddenly I was way less attracted to men and even my awareness of other women shifted. I realized that I was probably way more bisexual than I’d thought. It felt so overwhelming and like I was dealing with it in secret, so I “came out” (even to my family) to try and take the power away from the secret.
I felt a huge sense of relief, but I think it also led to new struggles in that I was no longer “hiding” and the mask fell away or something. It’s like I was living in a dimly lit room where I didn’t fully see female homosexuality around me, and the lights came on. Now it’s like I can’t even go grocery shopping without sensing queerness in other women (and them me; I recognize the looks of recognition I get and sometimes I even get flirted with). I take classes and there is a woman in one of my classes who is very obviously a lesbian. We were talking about the work we had to do as we were packing up after class one night and she said something about “when we’re dealing with straight people” and part of me felt panic because she saw me and the other part of me wanted to cry tears of relief because she saw me.
Since I’ve come out it’s also like all of the algorithms on every app I use know that I have SSA, too. I can’t open TikTok or Instagram without seeing lesbian content and I find myself feeling jealous or wistful that they get to experience it fully and I don’t, so that has in turn influenced other content choices. I’ve always struggled with watching pornography, too, but lately it’s been intense. It’s like I desperately crave intimacy with another woman, and I can’t have it, so I watch lesbian porn, and when I’m done there is some relief, and then sometimes I cry because I know I can’t have that, but then I’m okay for another day or two.
I want to nurture the relationship with I have, with my husband. I think realistically I am probably 90% SSA and 10% opposite-sex-attracted, and I feel like I should be able to work with that, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why the SSA voice inside is so much louder. I don’t want my marriage to fail, but it’s like I’m in a vicious cycle where I’m fixated on what I can’t have. How do I reprogram my brain?

I fucked up
I was on a 2 month streak and idk why but I was reading smut and I just cummed. I know I shouldn't be reading or taking in shit like this in any form whatsoever and I was successful until now. My brain just stopped working and I consumed smut. Fucking hell
I was holding out so well. No urges, averaging 20 hours/week towards my fitness goals and this suddenly happened.
Help me guys, please. How far back do you think this will set me back? I have been trying nofap since a long time and the max streak I have gotten is 2 months (this is the second time I reached this milestone). Fml. Gotta get back stronger.
I'm not feeling particularly depressed compared to the other times I fucked up. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. (I was literally struggling to hold out the last few days when I reached 2 month streak the last time, it wasnt like that so now. It was very spontaneous. I also felt a lot more grief that time).
Maybe I felt more depressed cause I jerked off to porn the last time, this time it was erotica.

Remember that time when we first hung out I didn’t finish you off so you said let me watch a porn video and you jerked off in front of me til you realised how weird it was and stopped.
Remember how you would always try to do things you did with your ex like watch LA LA land and all the things like that letter and pictures you keep in your camera roll?
Remember that day you told me you’d never forget about someone you’ve loved hinting that you’re stuck on your ex?
Remember how you love bombed me?
Remember how I told you I don’t feel emotionally close well I’ll tell you know it’s because I felt like you were haunted from your past with cheating on her and just missed her so much and she didn’t want you back so you tried it with me but in process never made me feel wanted. It felt like you wanted me to be her. It felt like the whole time if she came back you would’ve cheated on me with her and would rather have been with her.
Remember the time a few days into being together you followed that girl on Twitter ( you don’t even know I know your Twitter and saw all this unfold )
Remember that time I was having a bad day at the office and you decided to flirt with our team leader right next to me.
Remember that time I told you I was getting my nails done and you asked me to get that specific colour that I know you deffo have seen on another girl ( of course your ex got this before)
Remember the time you pushed my hand away when I tried give you affection because you were stressed
Remember the time you told me do I have any friends with a fatter ass?
Remember the time you ignored all my heartfelt messages
Remember all the tweets you’ve made about me making me seem like the Vilian
Remember all those girls you’d quote retweet and fantasise and lust over when we were together and as soon as we broke up. And how you still do it and mass follow them everyday ( rarely do they follow you back lol)
Remember how you’d never put effort in and acted like you hated me
Remember how you treated mediocre and dimmed my light and tried to humble me instead of uplifting me
Remember how you said you wanted to marry me but acted the opposite

I am a 25 year old man. It wasn't until I discovered this sub that I discovered I had been ruining myself with PMO so far. I used to be a bright kid who had no idea what porn was until I was in college, and once the pandemic began, my loneliness multiplied and I found myself jerking off to image of hot actresses. I have honestly never managed to sit through porn without feeling uncomfortable for some reason. I have mostly watched movie sex scenes only, where I found myself fantasizing about the actresses and... you know.
I used to get intrusive thoughts during ejaculation which made me want to do it over and over till it got it right without the thoughts. I would often grow teary and try to stop the orgasm in vain. It worsened, but the fear of going hypersexual stopped me and I controlled myself. Then I got clinically diagnosed with OCD and started taking medication which improved my mental condition to an extent.
However, I began procrastinating too much and my anxiety peaked whenever I would have any intrusive thought. I would then visit the internet to find ways to relieve myself even after medication and somehow I got brainwashed into believing that fapping will give me mental relief and make me feel happy. Also, I grew super horny and began to find images of hot women really irresistible to the point I would fap at least 4 days a week.
I tried controlling this but relapsed every single time, but that was because I had not read the rules of NoFap properly. I was still looking at hot pictures but not fapping, and this somehow was where the real problem lied. I decided to stop even googling for hot pictures. At times I wonder if looking at cute girl pics would be fine if they were fully clothed and non-sexual in nature, because it's obvious that I won't want to bang every single woman I find cute, unless I discover that side of her later on. I began doing this with hopes of defeating my procrastination habits and getting back to living the good old life when I never fapped at all even after getting sexual urges.
But OCD made it really tough back then and sometimes even now. I often get those very images I constantly fapped to, and while I am able to brush them aside, the process heats my head sometimes. I was driving today and the thought merely crossed my mind and I lost focus for a second, and a collision was somehow averted. I am even beginning to hate how desperate I had grown for the female body that I even jerked off to anime women. I was never like this. I want to go back to being the good old me who did appreciate sexiness but not in a horny way.
Is there a way I can manage this with OCD? I would appreciate some advise on this, especially from someone who knows about this disorder. It's because I am voluntarily avoiding looking at any sexual stuff and it has helped me since the past 3 days of my journey, but I can't really help it when images pop up in my head. I suffer from Pure O and ruminate too much. I have started to feel guilt and disgust and want to change. I am ready to fight back and reclaim my life, especially after I managed to earn a Master's and a diploma in this condition. I'm sure my potential is far bigger than this. Please guide me to wisdom.

Yeah,didnt even cringe at myself. My own face seemed angry towards me. Read randome comments on reddit,curiosity once again made me search some stuff,eyes went on bad stuff for a few mins,then I just snapped back. What the hell was I doing? How will my life ever improve if I dont even quit this shit? ...really feeling mad at myself,especially since it's been 65 days since I fapped. Porn is my only obstacle left from becoming one of the best,and I'm not bragging but all my teachers always said "he can do so damn much if he every tried" and I guess it's True,since I easily score at least 75 In exams with barely studying anything. ...porn really is holding me back,and once I get rid of this,oh boy,lifes gonna drastically change. Good luck to to yall as well,reach heights never thought possible,becomes the best.

Not sure what flair but maybe minor TW.. ive known my moms bf since i was 10. I am now 21 and I've lived with him and my mom until i was 18. I get traumatic flashbacks every now and then and it seems it all came back to me once again. Im curious if any of these things are normal for a "dad" to do/say?

• pee with the door wide open. He never closed the bathroom door and always made such loud noise
  
• walked around in only underwear. No shirt. No socks. The hole/opening would always be open as well
  
• wanted lots of alone time and always told me that we needed to bond more
  
• kept stacks of dvds of lesbian porn. My mom was okay with it. Long story
  
• talked to me about puberty and kept buying me booklets of what happens during puberty for women
  
• would tell me to shave more and would buy shaving razors for me. I became very uncomfortable in my skin during this time so i would not shave let alone show any skin. Not even arms.
  
• offer to buy me bras and underwear when i was forced to have alone time with him (we'd go to mall, restaurants, etc)
  

hi i don't know how to start this but i think i'm losing my mind if i haven't already. i'm fucked in the head. i'm not a normal human being. there is clearly something wrong with me and i don't know what it is. i'm disgusting i'm a bad fucking human being i'm corrupted. i swear to god i'm not saying this out of pity i'm saying this because it is the literal fucking truth
i don't know what will happen to me but i know something will happen. my life is getting weirder and weirder and weirder. i dont want to get too personal but god what is actually wrong with me? at the moment i'm feeling very hyperactive and i can't calm the fuck down. i need to stop saying the word fuck. but my self esteem is very high at the current moment but i also want to straight up die.
life is so fucking terrible and people are fucking terrible. people are judgemental as fuck and they are fucked in the head as well. people are cruel to get what thet want. or feel better about themselves. but honestly am i any better? i'm crazy. if i was friends with someone like me i'd be terrified of them. because i'm a nightmare. why do i still think this if my self esteem is high? i can't believe all of this shit is real. it can't be. it feels like a movie really. a gross, disgusting, dark movie.
why do i think i'm a bad person? i'm not a judgemental bitch but i'm angry, i'm a porn addict, i have the most egotistic thoughts when my self esteem is high, i hurt the people i love, i'm always willing to seek revenge, i can't keep a proper friendship / relationship if i'm extremely close with them, i can be violent and lashing out, etc. i should change this about myself and i want to but i dont. and i don't know why. i'm always stuck because of myself. i am my own prison. in addition, the only positive thing is is that i'm still aware, lots of crazy people don't realize it. i deserve to not be alive. i hate people like me. i would absolutely hate someone like me
i miss being normal so much. i was really happy from the ages of 0-5, my issues started around age 6 but from ages 6-10 i lived a decent life. maybe a little therapy could benefit but i wasn't fucked in the head. 11-12 was the decline and so was 13 kinda but 14 is when shit blew, and now it is worse at 15. i look at my old videos or entries or anything and i'm just like 'god i miss being normal'. if she saw someone like me back then she would think they are crazy. it is so wild i was once normal. i had my insecurities and slightly troubled due to certain traumas but for a traumatized person i was extremely stable. all i ever wanted was to be happy again, and now i give up. i should just end it all
does anyone relate to what i'm saying? i hate this

I have been with my finance for 2 years and I can’t stop watching porn. Sometimes multiple times in a day. It was awful before I met her I would literally just do it all day but it didn’t seem like a big deal to me at the time cause my life style was very laid back and I used it to “pass the time”. When I met her I didn’t completely stop but I stopped finishing. I would watch porn and edge sometimes but very very infrequently. For the first 6 to 8 months of our relationship our sex life was insane, usually multiple times a day and we’d both cum several times. As things went on sex became more and more infrequent but we both just got busier so it makes sense. We still have sex at least once a week and it’s great, but I think I was so used to masturbating so often and then we had sex so much that it was hard for me to adjust. That’s when the addiction came back full throttle. My job lowered my hours due to business being slow but that left me with a lot of time on my hands that I wasn’t expecting. So what did I do? You guessed it I started masturbating multiple times a day again. On top of this certain positions started to hurt for my fiancé. Basically at the start we mostly did doggystyle. Now everytime we try it hurts and we switch to something else. I don’t mind it much anymore, I try to be understanding but it has lead to crave porn even more since there’s something I feel I’m missing out on. I know I have rambled but has anyone had a similar experience and if so do they have any advice?
Sidenote: I am extremely attracted to my fiancé, sometimes I feel like it makes it harder because the moment I see her it gets me in the mood and obviously it’s ridiculous to expect sex all the time but I can resist wanting it when she’s so beautiful. I am saying this because porn doesn’t fill some missing attraction void for me it’s just a means to an end and sometimes fills the void when I miss doggystyle.
A few things I forgot to mention: I was a virgin before I met her so the beginning of our relationship kind of set my expectations for what a normal sex life is. I have now gotten a new job where I work full time, but I still find time to watch porn almost everyday. I have stopped for about a week a few times but always relapse or just use our sextapes to replace porn. Also me and my fiancé live together so I wake up horny next to her and go to bed horny. She found out at one point and I confessed everything to her. Obviously she wasn’t happy and I hurt our trust, I apologized profusely and then started again after a week. At first I didn’t enjoy it because I felt guilty, but then I used excuses like oh we don’t have sex enough. Reality is we have sex a perfect healthy amount and now when I want sex I just ask and if she says no I just watch porn later. I hardly put effort into getting her in the mood cause I know I can just jack off.

We've been married for three years. F(31) & M(32).
When we were dating, I used to take sexy pictures for him and send them to him. He wouldn't seem interested and would reply very plainly sometimes monoslyllabically. His argument was that if we weren't physically together, my pictures wouldn't help him, on the contrary it would make him feel sad that we weren't physically together in that moment.
Fast forward to our married time. We both watch porn when the other is not home. We already talked about it, this is not the issue of this post. I understand that watching porn is a normal behaviour, I do it too, and neither him nor I do it excessively (I think).
However, the issue that bothers me is that I have found that my husband is downloading full albums of girls. One particular girl he revisits and has multiple albums of her just posing in underwear and bra/crop top. She looks very young. Because of the fact that she is not showing her body in full nude, I doubt that she is 18.
I did some research on the internet and I found that it is indeed very hard to make sure that the models are of consent age. One particular issue that stood out was models that look young + pose in skimpy attire and provocative positions, but never removing their lingerie is a tell tale that they might not be of legal age. She has chipped nail polish and everything in the photos looks so curated to show youth and virgin-like innocence.
Then I look at myself, early 30s body, etc, and I feel bad about myself. I wouldn't have a problem if he looked at videos of women that look like women. Though I would still be bothered if he downloaded picture albums of mature women.
Then I think back about my own experience sending him my photos and him expressing disinterest while he has albums of other women/girls on his computer.
At the end of the day I don't know what I'm angry about? What he likes or my insecurities? Or is it more to it?
Looking for insight, thank you.

I've long suspected my husband to be cheating. He cheated prior to marriage when our son was a baby. After many years we made it through his infidelity and are now married. I've been loyal to him since I was 25 yrs old. I'm now 45. He is 54 and has been unemployed for over a year, while I work like crazy to provide a more than comfortable life for him and our son.
Our son has been struggling with anxiety and deep depression for years. Even a period of having suicidal thoughts. My main goal is helping him to achieve happiness again.
My husband has long been checked out of this family. He basically lives in his man cave. Months ago I found a old cell phone loaded with hard-core porn. He basically told me it's his way of not cheating. But lately his vibes have been off and I've caught him lying.
Yesterday I got in my car to leave for work and something told me to look in his car (I do not typically snoop). I sat in his car and reached in the back pocket of the passenger seat and found a phone. It is a tracfone releases in the last year fully charged with a passcode on it.
I'm seeking advice from anyone who has dealt with ending a marriage while protecting the emotions of a struggling teenager. This will shatter his world. We have no family in our state so we are his life. My heart breaks for him and that my husband was willing to risk this happening. It's so unfair, but I just want my husband gone at this point.

Fiction with true elements. Jeramie (29m) luck has changed. He got fixed up by his mom with Angela. Angela was done with jerks and was ready to settle down. She was smart, take charge kind of person. Like mom said the girls would come around and I was so lucky so many guys, now she was mine. I was kinda of a momma’s boy and almost a virgin, so lucky. A year later we were married. Angela took charge and was trying to make a man out of me. Somehow while doing good I was not quite up to her standards. She was not that affectionate with me and sex was not what I had hoped for. She saved herself for marriage with me. She said we had sex on our honeymoon the night I got drunk but I don’t remember it. Sometimes she lets me rub up against her leg as I tell her how much of a goddess she is. When I do this she brings up things I need to do for her, that am I 100% committed to her? and if I ever look at porn? Distracted I’d like to just cum but she usually say no. No? “No means no” roll over and go to sleep. Angela sometimes worries about me being a pervert and I do feel she may be right? So I did try to tell my mom about my troubles but mom says she is good for me, gives me purpose in life. Lost my friends, do most things around the house, give her my pay check, and spend Saturdays at her mothers house doing thing for her too. I don’t mind much doing things for her mom although her mom can be demanding. Besides her mom is kind of sexy full breast and a nice ass she shows the off some and I love it. I tried talking to her mom about my struggles with Angela but she just looks at me with disgust. Sometimes she insults me but I think she just trying to help. So I go online and look up relationship stuff, take charge wives, dominate wives. Financial abuse, femdom, findom. I started jerking off quite a bit and I felt so guilty and full of shame. I found a goddess online said she could help me. I was not allowed to jerk off and cum unless I was paying. At least I was getting my frustrations out. I complained to her about my wife. She said she could help. I also told her I was cuming tooo much and I was causing problems with my concentration. She had the perfect solution. I was to edge in my wife’s panties this way I would not cum for fear of getting caught. Fin goddess would make fun of me getting even more frustrated and tell me I was not a real man and in fact a total loser. No wonder your wife won’t fuck you. What to do? Cum in her panties to get back at her but there is a huge cum tax. Goddess is so fucking right, fuck it. Goddess was recording our sessions and was so happy to please my new goddess. After a big long edging session I came twice into her panties. Goddess did mention home wrecking? Oh fuck home-wrecking. I”ll throw Angela’s panties in the hamper I don’t think she’ll notice. That’s where I got them from. Wrong she is too observant and knew I was a panty freak my mom let on she caught me playing in her panties when I was a teen. Things fell apart real quick when she went on the computer logged in right over my password and found everything, everything. She was the admin to that computer I had no idea she could do that. Ever worse I had money from my dad’s life insurance I never told her about that I used to tribute fin goddess. She got the best feminist lawyer you can get which I had to pay for. I begged and begged on my knees but she just kick me in the balls and called me a loser. My lawyer tried to help but said to settle out of court and I would get maybe a little something. She had not commingled her saving, her townhouse and my huge savings I gave her before we were married for safe keeping. now that was hers since she had it before we married it was not considered community property. I wanted to fight it but my lawyer said I had no idea what I was dealing with, she would ruin me. I had no choice but to walk away with almost nothing. The motel room was terrible and lonely. I fucked around and found out. Now what do I do. Angela said she’d get back at me, embarrassing me and make my life miserable every chance she got. Not even my mom will talk to me.

We are indians and had an arranged marriage. I thought BP was my perfect partner and we hardly met because BP was working in USA at that time.
Only after marriage i found BP was a cornucopia of every nightmare for a partner. BP had , low confidence due to childhood abuse,erectile dysfunction due to porn addiction and premature ejaculation.
We had hardly had sex and I never had an orgasm from sex. But I tried to be supportive and everytime BP had a nervous breakdown I used to support .
We had two kids after having sex at the right time based on my ovulation.
After the second kid,I rejoined the workforce. I was significantly older than most of them but I had fun making friends. I decided to dress better, groomed myself to look better.
I had a lot of admirers, There was this AP who was young but openly praised my beauty. as someone who never heard any love or affection from my BP,I started liking APs praises even though I knew it wasnt good as part of marriage.
Everytime I used to dress up well,AP will praise me, take pics of me and us. AP would later edit and send it back. AP also openly expressed the crush over me but I always receive it but I would never reciprocate.
AP tried the best to organize meetings out of office like parties,bike rides but BP's parents were at home so I never said yes.
Three weeks ago, after BPs parents left BP snooped over my phone and found the chats. BP accused me of cheating and called me all names.
I told BP that i was just enjoying APs attention and I have no feelings for AP but BP doesnt accept it.
BP calls it an affair even we didnt do anything sexual in our chats, we just talked like friends in office and the admission of crush was just a running joke between us . I would just tease AP if I was favorite gf even though AP had many partners. BP also suspects we had sexual intercourse even though we havent even kissed.
Now BP wants me to admit everything. I had admitted but BP isnt convined and thinks I'm still hiding something. BP wants to me quit the job and I even did it for BPs sake and blocked AP after telling that BP doesnt want us to talk.
What else can we do ? BP is mentally weak and wants divorce but doesnt think of our two kids.
Tell me what can i do?

We are indians and had an arranged marriage. I thought husband was my perfect partner and we hardly met because husband was working in USA at that time.
Only after marriage i found husband was a cornucopia of every nightmare for a partner. husband has tiny dick (4 inches), low confidence due to childhood abuse,erectile dysfunction due to porn addiction and premature ejaculation.
We had hardly had sex and I never had an orgasm from sex. But I tried to be supportive and everytime husband had a nervous breakdown I used to support .
We had two kids after having sex at the right time based on my ovulation.
After the second kid,I rejoined the workforce. I was signficiantly older than most of them but I had fun making friends. I decided to dress better, groomed myself to look better.
I had a lot of admirers, There was this colleague who was young but openly praised my beauty. as someone who never heard any love or affection from my husband,I started liking colleagues praises even though I knew it wasnt good as part of marriage.
Everytime I used to dress up well,colleague will praise me, take pics of me and us. colleague would later edit and send it back. colleague also openly expressed the crush over me but I always receive it but I would never reciprocate.
colleague tried the best to organize meetings out of office like parties,bike rides but husband's parents were at home so I never said yes.
Three weeks ago, after husbands parents left husband snooped over my phone and found the chats. husband accused me of cheating and called me all names.
I told husband that i was just enjoying colleagues attention and I have no feelings for colleague but husband doesnt accept it.
husband calls it an affair even we didnt do anything sexual in our chats, we just talked like friends in office and the admission of crush was just a running joke between us . I would just tease colleague if I was favorite gf even though colleague had many partners. husband also suspects we had sexual intercourse even though we havent even kissed.
Now husband wants me to admit everything. I had admitted but husband isnt convined and thinks I'm still hiding something. husband wants to me quit the job and I even did it for husbands sake and blocked colleague after telling that husband doesnt want us to talk.
What else can we do ? husband is mentally weak and wants divorce but doesnt think of our two kids.

As salaamu alaikoom wa rahmatullahi wa baarakaatu my fellow brothers and sisters. As a result of a dire need for some more accountability, it’s time again for the nofap leaderboards challenge!
As usual it will be running on a week to week basis (to keep it more active) and we will be tracking who has abstained from PMO for the longest period of time (Set your day counter) and rank them accordingly. It’s obviously something we all struggle with and I know that the Prophet(S.A.W.) encouraged competition amongst the Muslims in terms of acts of worship. So why not make things a little more fun with a little competition and accountability! We will be going by the Islamic calendar, inshaaAllah.
SIGNUPS WILL BE DURING THE FIRST 2 DAYS OF THE POST (FRIDAY AND SATURDAY) AS IT’S QUITE TEDIOUS TO BE UPDATING EVERY SECOND.
What is required of those who wish to participate is to:
1. Turn on your streak counter (this can be found in the ‘about’ section of our forums) so that I can see the amount of days that you have.
2. Post on the thread stating that “you’re in” for the week, how the streak is going for you, and how you plan to improve/keep the streak going (also feel free to add some tips which have been helping you if you’d like).
3. You must TRY to pray 5 times a day.
4. No porn, no masturbation, no sexual stories etc..
LEAGUES:

• DIAMOND: 200+ days
• PLATINUM: 160+ days
• GOLD: 120+ days
• SILVER: 80+ days
• BRONZE: 40+ days
• PROSPECT: 20+ days

There will be update threads posted each week, inshaaAllah. Please post your updates.
If you relapse; shake it off and hop right back in! Allah is Most merciful and forgiving. Don’t despair in His mercy. He loves it when a slave repents and turns back to Him. We don’t have time to give up. Remember that we’re all in this together and that we should encourage and help each other out. May Allah guide us, straighten our affairs for us and rid us of these vile addictions. Ameen! Please sign up below! :)
LEADERBOARD RANKINGS
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The Ambitious (1 day - 4 days)- Unranked

First, I want to say I am happy to have found this supportive group. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this specific issue, so please bear with me it is a lengthy post.
I was probably about 7 years old. This was the early 2000s, so me and my sister would steal my dad’s flip phone we thought it was the coolest thing. Then we would find messages with his friends that would say things like “it’s get you a new gf day” along with a nude photo of a woman probably too young. there had been multiple nude photos that we had found. Even one time a video played with a loud pornographic sound. My parents are still married so even back then my sister and I felt badly for my mother. He had also mentioned to my mom in front of us all (me about 13) how he had been to a local specific topless bar a “long time ago” when my sister and I were toddlers. Again, I just felt horrible for my mom as the sinking feeling made itself a home in my gut to this day.
When I was 14 I started dating my first bf we dated for four years. I would feel sick and just worthless because of the movies we would watch. They would have nudity and he would make comments on the actresses. Even comparing me to some. His entire family would. He mentioned this to his mom and she told him I was young and insecure. I was pressured into sending him nudes or else he would watch porn and then blame me for it. I remember the rush of emotions, that sinking feeling when I would find even “innocent” photos of girls at school in his phone or porn in his search history. When we would go to the movies I was always on edge. I would search on those sites that go through the parent’s guide of nudity so I could prepare myself or convince to watch something else.
I dated another guy at 19. When were first together he told me he had never had an orgasm through sex and frequently struggled getting it up. It eventually went away but our sex life wasn’t healthy and we ended things. However, when I was about 20 I started dating a guy let’s call him David. David was the sweetest man. I felt so safe with him. We had an amazing sex life. I never had to worry about anything relating to porn or women around him at all. When I was about 22 I made a new friend let’s call him Jack. Jack and I were good friends nothing more. Until, two years into our friendship I fell “in love” with Jack. This caused me to end things with David. For the first year (we were separated for about 7 months) we never had penetrative sex. During the first couple of months, he told me he didn’t want his ED to negatively affect me. I thought because my ex was having issues and I understood it had nothing to do with me I would be fine. I went through our relationship believing it was ED. which turned out to be half the truth. I also believed his alcohol addiction and unhealthy lifestyle had something to do with it.
The part that sickens me the most is that we were friends first for two years, he told me he loved me and then destroyed me with his addiction. While we were friends shifting into a romantic relationship I would be grossed out by his prior use of strip clubs once spending thousands of dollars. Especially because in our relationship he would complain about spending money on me. He would always check out other women when we were together. It made me feel like I just wasn’t enough. One time on YouTube it was a video of this couple, the woman was doing her thirst trap thing with her butt and he said “We know why he’s with her” “She worked for that… you turn” I was so upset because I had already been insecure about my butt and into fitness for almost a decade, and dealing with body dysmorphia. Another time me, him and his friend were at a grocery store (this is the time of our budding romance) they pointed out how good this girl's butt was and followed her for a couple of isles claiming she wanted it to be seen.
I feel so stupid and ashamed typing this, the thought of getting into a relationship with a guy displaying this behavior WITH ME BY HIS SIDE. fast forward to six months later, 1.5 years into a relationship, 3 years of friendship. I’m now 25, he is 28. Still no sex. He told me he thinks his hormones are balanced and I honestly felt bad for him and encouraged him to talk to his doctor. He started taking the blue pills they kinda worked, but not really. I would talk about how I felt with my male therapist. I also felt very isolated almost because the honeymoon phase was ending he didn’t even want to cuddle.
We lived together at this point. My therapist told me he may have a PA, he may be lying to you about it. I thought no way because I had been looking through his phone frequently from a general lack of trust. I did ask him multiple times he would of course deny it. He would always be looking at thirst trap comments on Snapchat and YouTube. Even commented on one of my friends once “It was a joke”. I would tell him multiple times I did not like our sex life and it can’t continue like this.
I swear your PA may lie, but the algorithm doesn’t. I remember I got this TikTok on my FYP. The guy who in his videos starts by saying “Oh you want to know another disgusting secret about men” he talked about lying PA. I knew at that moment that’s what it was.
On the commercials for my favorite show, WWE commercials would come on. Women with makeup, hair and lingerie and I noticed he would always stare. I thought I was just making this in my head until once he made the comment that “he used to find them attractive when he was younger and that they are hot.” A couple of months ago we went on a trip. He would be sitting next to me just scrolling through YT reels of thirst content thinking I am blind. The first time we had sex he would buy my lingerie and I would go put it and makeup on while he was in the other room I noticed when I came out he had been on his phone. He was ALWAYS on his phone. I knew in my heart it was from watching porn bc he was hard. He claimed it was bc he was thinking of me. This happened a couple of times. I knew the truth but I ignored it because I craved intimacy.
The scrolling on Yt shorts happened again one night, his algorithm was just thirst trap after thirst trap including WWE clips. I was so stressed I knew I was not going to sleep the night. I planned to wake up and go through his phone while he was asleep. When I did, I found him on Reddit pages with porn of WWE women. Emails saying he signed into adult websites the date and times right before we would have sex. Even an article on the best VR sets for porn. I thought wow he’s really thinking of investing this amount of money when he can’t even invest in our relationship. My heart shattered into the glass, glad that continued to cut me. I never felt so disrespected or taken for granted, like I was never good enough before. I cannot believe someone who says they love me more than ever would gaslight me so hard.
The next day we were out at a restaurant he asked what was on my mind since I had been acting differently. Me: “ I’m going to ask you a question I’ve asked you before but this time you’re going to tell me the truth” Jack: immediately “no” I asked him to think again before you answer, why are you lying to me he kept denying it until I said why are you so comfortable lying to me. He said I’m not. Maybe I used it too much before in the past. I said I don’t trust you and I have no mental peace with you this thing between us cannot continue.
…Y’all this is all while he was trying to get me to move across the country with him!! The next morning we talked about it and I told him how he crushed me and how I went through his phone and after I said that, he then started feeling very bad, even shedding tears. Looking back it’s as if he knew that I knew I wasn’t crazy.
It sucks because I feel I will always love him and leaving was the hardest thing I had to do. I still go back and forth about my love for him it’s always love and pure hate. Half of the time I want to call him and tell him exactly how much he destroyed my mental health. I still always scan my surroundings, and the media around me. I still compare myself to every woman because I am used to him checking out everyone. He would say it takes nothing from me but it does. I’m tired of people saying that it’s insecurity if you want your man to only have eyes for you and make excuses.
I know this was not the case when I was with David it was never like this. I felt empowered and loved. Now I have begun to get back together with David but I feel like I am carrying all this baggage from Jack's pa. David is against this type of behavior and even talks about how it is disturbing how porn is so prevalent everywhere ( he doesn’t know about the pa with Jack or my past). I feel like I am soo disgruntled towards men (Dad included) even though David is innocent and probably the best man I’ve ever had in my life. My mental health decline from not trusting my gut is painful.
Thank you for reading and your support. I wish you all love and light.

Disclaimer: I do not speak Korean. This is purely translated by machine with a lot of cleanup afterward. With that in mind, I am open to criticism to improve these translations. Enjoy!
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Chapter 414
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Some faces are unwelcome no matter how often they appear. For me, Lee Jeong-Ryong and Wu Hei-Xing belonged squarely in that category.
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Nevertheless, I initiated the conversation today because Wu Hei-Xing, against all odds, looked somewhat respectable.
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"Look who's here. I thought I'd never see you again."
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My lively greeting earned a venomous glare from the disheveled Wu Hei-Xing.
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「Shut up.」
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"Oh..."
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「One more word, and I swear on my grandfather's honor, I'll tear you to pieces.」
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Is he Kim Jong-Il or something? I'll never understand why these guys treat their deceased ancestors' honor like a credit card. [Note: Kim Jong-Il was the previous lead of North Korea from 1997 to 2011.]
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Keeping a straight face, I questioned him.
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"Did you have a bad relationship with your grandfather?"
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「What?」
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"I mean... Why stake his honor on something so impossible? It would make more sense if you were the one getting torn to pieces..."
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「You bastard!」
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As Wu Hei-Xing exploded with rage and rose to his feet, Lee Jeong-Ryong intervened with a raised hand.
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"Enough."
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「But Mr. Lee, this bastard...」
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"Fighting amongst ourselves before a decisive battle is completely pointless. Calm down."
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Crrrrick.
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Wu Hei-Xing gritted his teeth, fixing me with a hostile stare.
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「Understood. Since you say so, Mr. Lee, I'll stop here.」
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"Good thinking."
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Was he always this susceptible to persuasion? I glanced sideways at Lee Jeong-Ryong, noting the subtle smile playing on his lips.
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Mr. Choi, who had accompanied me, seemed lost in thought.
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"What about you, Jin Tae-Kyung?"
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Turning away from Mr. Choi, I shrugged nonchalantly.
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"I should listen to what my elders say."
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"I didn't think you were one to care about such things."
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"Shouldn't all young people respect their elders?"
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Lee Jeong-Ryong laughed softly at my casual remark, while Wu Hei-Xing looked at me as though he wished me dead.
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「Respecting your elders. Bullshit. What about me then, seven years your elder?」
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"If you don’t want to write a will, try opening your mouth kindly first."
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「This damn brat...」
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"Don't be a dick."
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Wu Hei-Xing, reignited with anger, fell silent.
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I stared him down with icy eyes and continued.
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"If you still have the energy to fuss over such pettiness, you should check on the friends you brought here."
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「...!」
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"These are people who risked their lives to come this far. They aren't disposable tools to be discarded after one use."
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My disdain was palpable.
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Around Wu Hei-Xing, the remaining Hunters were barely fifty in number.
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According to what I’d learned from headquarters, they had started with five hundred. The majority had either perished or fallen behind.
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"It's entirely possible that they were all casualties, especially in combat. But…"
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Despite the bloodshed around him, his armor remained almost immaculate, suggesting he had engaged minimally, preserving himself while his comrades fell.
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"Got anything to say, idiot?"
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I remembered a line from a classic superhero movie I watched as a child.
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With great power comes great responsibility. And that's not just for those bitten by radioactive spiders.
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If you're someone who can conjure Aura Blades instead of spider webs, amassing wealth and honor while shielding your misdeeds, then at least acknowledge your basic duties.
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"You might qualify as an S-rank, but you're no Hunter. So from now on, when introducing yourself, don't say 'Hunter.' Just go with 'the lucky S-rank, Wu Hei-Xing.' Got it?"
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「……」
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Wu Hei-Xing stood trembling, his fists clenched, as Lee Jeong-Ryong intervened.
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"He did his best."
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"Seeing his armor, I doubt that. It looks so clean, you could wipe it down and bring it to a thrift store."
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"Wearing strong armor isn't grounds for criticism."
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"I've noticed this before... You always seem to take his side. Does this bastard have something on you?"
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"Everyone has something. I just happen to be good at hiding mine."
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"You might want to run a check on your computer. Who knows, maybe the Chinese hackers are sharing images of the Vice Guild Leader watching porn in their group chats."
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"I’ll be cautious."
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A formidable opponent indeed.
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Unfazed, Lee Jeong-Ryong offered a slight smile, but the man behind him told a different story.
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I gestured dismissively at the man radiating a subtle, murderous intent.
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"Look who it is, Team Leader Seok. Isn't that our Go-Jun?"
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Lee Jeong-Ryong’s head of security and a devoted disciple.
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I recalled thrashing him soundly before his departure to China, yet now, he appeared not only unmarked but even more formidable.
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His gaze alone, deeper and more intense, was a testament to his vastly improved skills.
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'He's also grown more patient.'
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Seok Go-Jun ranks among Lee Jeong-Ryong's most loyal followers.
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Previously, he would have lunged at me without a second thought. Now, even brimming with murderous intent, he opted for restraint over drawing his weapon.
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Lee Jeong-Ryong seemed proud of his disciple and announced,
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"We've now reached just 20 kilometers from the Arch Lich, according to the coordinates."
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I ran my hands through my sticky, blood-smeared hair.
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"It’s going to be the longest and most intense 20 kilometers on Earth."
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"That's right. The Arch Lich has kept a substantial force in reserve."
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"How many?"
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"An estimated fifty thousand."
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At that, a wave of despair swept through the suicide squad listening intently to our conversation.
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Combined, the forces under myself, Lee Jeong-Ryong, and Wu Hei-Xing numbered barely five hundred.
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Even a rough estimate made the prospect of breaching an army a hundred times our size to reach the Arch Lich seem daunting, filling them with a profound dread.
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It was likely this overwhelming fear that prompted someone to cry out,
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「We need to retreat, now!」
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Soon, the dam of restraint broke and other Hunters joined in.
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「Fuck!」
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「There are too many monsters!」
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「We’ll be annihilated if it continues like this.」
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「I came here to defeat the Arch Lich, not to die a dog’s death!」
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The two hundred or so members of the Western Front's suicide squad, who had suffered minimal losses thus far, were not immune to the spreading panic.
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Yet amidst the rising fear, two figures remained composed.
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Shao Shen, looking at me with unwavering trust, and then...
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"There might be a possibility."
​
Going beyond mere trust in me, Mr. Choi, having analyzed the situation independently, spoke with measured calm.
​
"An estimated fifty thousand exceeds the General Headquarter's predictions by a significant margin."
​
「So naturally, we should retreat, shouldn’t we?」
​
At a member of the suicide squad's cry, Mr. Choi immediately shook his head.
​
"And the number of monsters we've faced so far is also fewer than expected."
​
「What?」
​
"While there were many, the forces we encountered on the front weren't as overwhelming as anticipated."
​
「Then...」
​
"Maybe the Arch Lich anticipated such a scenario. Instead of committing all its forces to the front, it might have held back fifty thousand troops as a final reserve to prepare for any situation."
​
The expressions of the Hunters hardened as they listened to Mr. Choi, not from understanding his point, but from the increasingly intense vibrations underfoot.
​
Creak, creak, creak.
​
The tremors, felt even tens of kilometers away, shook everyone to their core.
​
Destroyed roads stretched beside vast plains. Through the thick fog enveloping us, the combined roars and footsteps of tens of thousands of monsters echoed as a distant, unified clamor.
​
- Roarrrrrr!
​
「This is insane...」
​
「Run. We have to run. This is a fight we can't win.」
​
Feet shuffled and retreated in panic.
​
Yet standing resolute amid this chaos were the members of the Ares Guild, and Lee Jeong-Ryong, who, facing Mr. Choi, wore an intrigued expression.
​
"So?"
​
Their gazes met in the charged air. Mr. Choi's grip on the [Hero's Soul] tightened.
​
"Even though the General Headquarter's predictions were off, the fact that the Arch Lich hasn't launched a full offensive means that his reserve strength is still on the fronts."
​
"Yet, our forces are still outnumbered by the enemy."
​
"But aren’t there people assigned to this mission with this already in mind?"
​
Creak, creak, creak.
​
The roaring and ground-shaking grew more intense. Amid the anxious murmurs of the crowd, Mr. Choi's mana-imbued voice resonated with everyone.
​
"People capable of turning the tide in an instant. People known as S-rank Hunters, each one a one-man army."
​
At that moment.
​
Swoosh!
​
A dazzling burst of light erupted overhead.
​
With the brilliant illumination, the air itself seemed to cleave, as if cut by an immense blade. Three figures appeared, descending as though they were walking down invisible steps.
​
「My great-grandmother often sat me on her knee and told me. Royalty must fulfill the duties befitting their status. Commoners like you wouldn't understand.」
​
I chuckled and bowed slightly. Normally, he’s the last person I’d choose to align with, but this time, I couldn’t resist.
​
"Your Highness, Prince Felix."
​
「Hearing it from your lips is indeed pleasant, Jin. Hunter of the East.」
​
Prince Felix's haughty demeanor prompted the beauty next to him to click her tongue.
​
「Can't you do something about him? Maybe gag him?」
​
"It seems I might have to let it slide today, sister."
​
「Oh my.」
​
Fei Chen’s eyes widened at my reply and soon, she sported a bashful smile.
​
「That's good to hear. It feels right, doesn’t it?」
​
At Fei Chen’s remark, the last person in the group laughed heartily.
​
「Does this mean I can also expect something? What do you think, Jin?」
​
"Why, would you like me to kiss you?"
​
「Oh, not bad. But I must politely decline. I'm already married to my beloved Fred, and I have five adopted children.」
​
Swoosh. Thud.
​
Gliding through the air, Magic Johnson patted my shoulder with his enormous hand.
​
「Jin, you brave little guy. How on Earth did you do such a dangerous teleport? I nearly gave up several times this go around.」
​
"But you did it in the end, Johnson."
​
「The odds were different. This time, the chance of failure was only 10%. You're at least 80% braver than me.」
​
Courage isn’t measured by size. By simply daring to come here, risking death, they had proven themselves as some of the world’s finest Hunters.
​
And as they received unexpected reinforcements, the crowd’s eyes widened in disbelief.
​
「Fei Chen?」
​
「Prince Felix and Magic Johnson are here too!」
​
「S-rank Hunters! The S-rank Hunters have come to help us!」
​
「I love you, Johnson! Fucking nice gay!」 [Note: this is not a typo. This whole line is in English in the raw.]
​
But the excitement didn’t stop there.
​
Thump, thump, thump.
​
An unfamiliar type of vibration began, unlike anything previously felt.
​
It signaled the arrival of a vast army, now visible as a speck on the horizon.
​
「You thought we came here unprepared?」
​
Fei Chen continued with a sly grin, fueling the ongoing conversation.
​
「Combined, the Western and Eastern forces number ten thousand. That should buy you enough time to escape.」
​
A voice, filled with wonder, murmured aloud.
​
「Now we can live...」
​
In response, another voice cut through the air with firm resolve.
​
"No."
​
Mr. Choi raised the [Hero's Soul].
​
Even through the dense fog, the blade gleamed with a brilliant light.
​
"Now we can win."
​
I believe so too.
​
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I'd like to thank everyone who saw my suicidal thoughts post and commented on it. I was planning on posting a reflection everyday here but I took my time to reflect on actions and go back to old hobbies. Today is day 5 of me no flapping and I feel great but I don't feel like I've accomplished everything.
I have thought about apologizing to every girl that I've stalked on but in-person. I feel like texting them my apology would make me feel like a coward. Do I have the guts to actually do it yet? No. I still feel terrified of doing this and thinking about possibilities of how it'll go but I do plan on actually doing it before the end of my school year.
As for other stuff in my life, I've been going out more and going back to old hobbies. I've gone out running with my dogs and went back to doing old hobbies. I forgot how much fun I've had doing my old hobbies and how frustrating it can be lol.
This week has made me more alive and great. I still, however, feel depressed about my actions from the past 2 years, but I know I will get through it. I will admit, I have looked at a bit of porn throughout the week but I haven't fapped to them. I fought through it but I still feel weak for looking through them. I will definitely reveal a bit more info about everything if I ever feel comfortable. For now, I'll just keep my posts plain and simple.

I live in Louisiana but as a military spouse cannot actually vote (I maintain my Texas residency and thus vote there). I do support local groups trying to fight against the ridiculousness but honestly after one year I am already exhausted by this nonsense. Plus add in tracking all of Texas's nonsense.
Today I found this out: https://www.nola.com/news/education/louisiana-oks-bill-mandating-ten-commandments-in-classroom/article_d48347b6-13b9-11ef-b773-97d8060ee8a3.html
"The purpose is not solely religious,” Sen. Jay Morris, R-West Monroe, told the Senate. Rather, it is the Ten Commandments' "historical significance, which is simply one of many documents that display the history of our country and foundation of our legal system.”
Really? Then why aren't you demanding examples of the Iroquois Nation's constitution and the Quaran which were also both used? Add in book bans (St Tammanys parish's library director was featured on John Oliver last week), very strict abortion laws (big personal impact), Christian nationalism, and I can't even watch porn (no state ID because I'm not a resident.... Thank goodness for VPNs).
I hear Sarah about not letting them exhaust us, and we must continue to push back. So I need some inspiration here. What do you all do to dive back in? How do you stay engaged without burnout? Where do you find the capacity to continue to care when so many issues are colliding? I'm not going to stop pushing and supporting what I believe is right, but man am I tired.