I think sometimes if I had formative experiences that let me not be fearful avoidant of people, and if I had been encouraged as a kid towards of stable career path/job skill, and therefore if I had always been financially secure, then I would have always been in relationships with women. I become angry thinking if I had never grown up in a religious environment I would have realized sooner. There is so much baggage for me now surrounding injustice to women in a way that I don't totally understand or have the words for yet.
I think when I was younger I had sex with men imagining I was fulfilling the role of a "good woman" and feeling proud of myself for that, while not enjoying the sex or the people themselves. I currently am somewhat in a relationship with a feminine man who has helped me know men are humans and can be good humans who are open to being corrected because they truly don't want to cause harm to others. He listens to my boundaries when I say them (though they also have made him sad), but I still have a really hard time knowing and respecting my boundaries. We call each other friends but we also sleep in the same bed together and have sex. During sex I often think if only you were a woman. I could touch you in the ways I wish to touch a woman. I keep on thinking, even though I wish he were a woman, I am appreciative of practicing healthy relationship skills with him and our friendship. I know he's not fulfilled either but both of us are learning and growing and "doing life together" as survival (we met while both suicidal and have genuinely helped one another); as awkward as it can be to have undefined relationship roles, I'm grateful to have his support during this time of my life and to learn how to be a better friend, communicator, etc through him. There are so many mental health issues I'm struggling with and financial instability, that I kind of have to order my problems from most to least pressing. I'm focusing on learning how to develop a healthy relationship to myself and the world (a new perspective outside of shame).
He supports me financially and takes that stress off me partly because I am a source of emotionally safe sex and affection. My employment is spotty and I'm working on building potential careers on the side. While I have a lot to be grateful for, if I had stable finances and a bearable long term career in place, I would be platonic best friends with him and in a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman.
A part of my long term healing process is feeling safe in my own skin and able to navigate the world and connect genuinely and meaningfully with people based on my won self knowledge and self acceptance. I was thinking that to accept myself is to accept "life" itself, its so imperfect and painful but there is always gratitude, joy and medicine that can be focused on so that pride and quiet, simply joy and calm can be dominant. Fear of life and fear of "my bad parts" makes me not want to accept or affirm any of these things as being good and worthwhile.
Anyway, I have to accept myself and life itself and "higher powers" and come to terms with identifying and learning about systemic forces that cause people pain that we then blame ourselves for and feel shame about, so that I can feel mental clarity and throw my hat into the ring as knowing who I am, what i stand for, and what lifestyle I want to live, within the framework of understanding myself as a member of a larger society and just member of humanity. Then knowing this will translate to me being able to have a stable career, because I will feel secure to relate to people with honesty and support of my own self and therefore not always be leaving jobs out of avoidance of people, or leaving jobs because I don't understand my talents and what I'm capable of and how to earn a living in a sustainable not exhausting painful way.
I just needed to write out the truth somewhere outside myself. Thanks for reading.

Hey guys, I'm probably going to be playing 1st for Chicago the musical next fall and I want to prepare over the summer. I found a free pdf of the original book(which will be different than the teen edition but I'm assuming similar enough) and i have to growl a lot. I'm confused on how exactly I should do it? Would it fit the style of Chicago more to flutter tongue or to actually hum? I can already hum while playing but I always feel like it sounds bad from behind the bell and I've never taken the time to record it or actually practice it. I can't flutter tongue but I can probably learn if I tried. What one would be more true to the style? Specifically the beginning trumpet solo- I want to make it as nasty as possible.
Also, any general tips for Chicago? Im generally a more classical player, I play in a youth orchestra and never did jazz band on trumpet at our school because we had too many trumpet players so I haven't had the chance to actually learn jazz. I plan on transcribing some solos over the summer as well as taking home some of our old jazz band music to play through but any tips would help a lot.

I struggle really bad with stubling my words, the faster I talk or the more tired I am where I mean one thing but another word or gibberish comes out. I have a lot of trouble reading books to where I will read the same line twice or my brain just shuts off and I don't absorb anything unless there is maximum interest. I went to speech therapy as a child and it helped me with reading out loud but it still makes me really anxious because I still get stuck sometimes and can't always keep a good flow with my words. When listening to someone talk it sounds like English but my brain has a delayed response before I understand. I cannot concentrate on someone talking to me if I'm reading or listening to someone, AAAnd my writing is terrible even when I write slowly. I've tried learning different languages but for SOME REASON I will try to say a sentence and group 2 languages together. I also say words out of order in sentences if that makes any sense... With all of this plus major procrastination I've always had trouble with any education system I've gone through and it sucks because I want to go to college but I have no idea how to get over everything enough to get passing grades.

I was explaining my personal project (creating a Variational Autoencoder for raw audio as a core for several audio models I need) to someone, and they were a bit confused about how AI works in general. I realized that simplifying it with a relatable example might help.
Think back to high school when you learned how to find a function from data. For instance:
Imagine you have an object thrown into the air, and you record its height at different points in time. With this data, you can create a parabolic function that approximates the object's height at any given moment. In mathematical terms, this function is a model that predicts the height based on time.
Now, think of AI training in a similar way, but with more complexity. Training an AI model is essentially finding a function that fits a lot of data with many variables. Instead of just height and time, an AI model might use thousands or even millions of data points and parameters.
In the case of the parabolic function, you determine the coefficients (a, b, and c) that best fit your data. For AI, the process involves adjusting many parameters through linear algebra and statistics to find the best fit. The training method is guided by algorithms that optimize these parameters to minimize errors, similar to how you'd minimize the difference between your parabolic function and the actual data points.
So, while the analogy isn't perfect, it helps to understand that AI models are just complex functions derived from data (not just compression, or a search function), much like how you derived the parabolic function from the height and time data.
It won't resonate with everyone, especially since many people only use basic arithmetic (+-*/), but I hope this explanation helps those who haven't had their "aha" moment with other explanations.

Hello everyone! I wanted to write and share something constructive for this space, that hopefully goes beyond snarking specific names and personalities and helps those who have been harmed in one way or another find a bit of understanding around what happened to them and why.
I've shared pieces of my story here before but the gist is: I am not from the coaching world. I'm from the general spirituality world - from a spiritual modality that has an aspect of divine feminine and divine masculine that has always interested me, but few others in the community. I learned about this whole specific mess listening to love & light confessionals, and went deep into the rabbit hole. The perversion of understanding of masculine/feminine energy dynamics was horrifying but also enlightening. I'm big on learning how NOT to be from people who give me the major ick. This is why I've done a lot of deep diving in general on cults, gurus, and manipulative spirituality in general - and there's a lot to take away if you can go in with this mindset. I'm also hella autistic and love infiltrating niche internet subgroups whose experiences are much different than mine so I can - again - learn from the experieneces of others, and gain more empathy and understanding of the vast human experience.
I was a very forward facing person for the nonprofit I volunteered for for over 4 years. There was no "guru" that I supplicated, however there was a person formally in charge who abused their power and the willingness of others to help the organization, and was known to be cruel in private, when it suited them. I didn't see this person as above me - in fact in a lot of ways they were quite pitiful and needed a lot of help/support in their role - which is what I did, willingly and for practically free. At one point, the entire org sat down and did a call in of this person, however, they were able to push everyone that they couldn't control out of the way and rewrote the story with themselves as the victim (we all know this one). The final falling out happened at the end of 2019, so luckily for them Covid gave them some time to figure out how to run their events without me (they hired a paid staff).
Anyway, I gave many many hundreds of hours to this cause, and then the person in charge was able to take advantage of me and then push me out of the community I had served very seriously for 6 years with rumors that I had been trying to steal money. This is so far beyond the truth, and everyone involved directly knows this, but no one came to dispell the rumor. So, I've been heartbroken by supposedly "spiritual" leaders of a community, that's for sure. In fact listening to Katya was part of the cult deprogramming that me and a group who had left together went through (this group also used, abused, and betrayed me but that's another story!)
So, this isn't going to be about me, I just wanted to share my background. This is about what the divine feminine and the divine masculine "REALLY" are. This may get a bit woo in here but I can't imagine anyone here is afraid of woo. In fact it's the mystery of the spiritual experience that allows these people to cause so much harm. So let me try to remove some of that mystery.
The creation is polarized, in many ways. One of those ways is masculine/feminine. The masculine force is the will, the conscious mind, and that which puts the infinity of possible experience into order. It in and of itself is quite fallible. The feminine force is the subconscious mind - all that is - and the untapped potential of this reservoir. The masculine reaches for the feminine, and if the will (masculine) is properly configured, the unmanifest creation (feminine) will give him something in return. The masculine NEEDS the feminine but the feminine doesn't really NEED the masculine, however it does desire the masculine's attention being focused it its direction (instead of random mundane wordly experiences). And the feminine wants the masculine's attention consistently, lest the feminine will not be consistent at all in its response. This attention can be forceful or gentle, but it must be consistent.
Every human has a balance of masculine/feminine energy in them, and while women are socially conditioned to tend towards feminine expression and men towards masculine, biological sex really has very very little to do with it. There are of course, positive feminine expressions and negative, and positive male expressions and negative. What these polarity goons do is mostly focus on a mix of positive/negative masculine expression for the man, 0 female expression, and then only positive feminine expression for the woman with maybe, possibly, a bit of positive masculine expression (only during working hours when you're in seperate offices, and only if you're paying the bills, ofc)
Typically, we are attracted to partners who "balance" out our spiritual energy - so the "polarization" in a relationship can be anywhere from hyper masc/hyper femme to barely masc/barely femme - and again, this is NOT a hard and fast rule and has almost NOTHING to do with sex other than a general (mostly cultural) bias. The hyper femme/hyper masc scenario can definitely be more, well, exciting and dramatic than a relationship between two people who have very little polarized charge in that way between them. But that's likely why few of these polarity gurus have any experience in longevity of relationships - they are fueling their "twin flame" relationship with manufactured drama and trauma bonding. In reality, in a relationship, you are supposed to grow together and be more willing to meet each other where you are at in the moment, instead of demanding they be a near perfect idealized form before you offer them any attention/respect.
The reason these male teachers push polarity doctrine is literally because of their own wounding of the expression of the masculine/feminine. Men (especially USian men) have been taught that expressing any aspect of their feminine selves is repulsive and weak and probably gay. So, their solution to their own inability to be vulnerable is to attack women - for being "too masculine" - aka some balanced expression of both, normal! They want their women to be 100% pure unformed childlike energy with no will of their own, just a will that can be given to the man. They want them to embody this feminine space as close to 100% of the time so that they are forced into their masculine 100% of the time. Girlies, if you are in your masculine, this makes them feel more in their feminine and - gosh that's just icky and disgusting. You don't want your man to get a boner for you when you're in the masculine - that might make him GAY! In the very least it's totally beta to be attracted to a masculine woman and basically gay anyway. No thanks!
I'm sorry to be facetious, but this is in general a lot of the subconscious and even sometimes conscious thought processes behind these hyper polarity relationships. These are not evolved, embodied people. These are people who are still very invested in the old fashioned human status quo that has served them for a long time. We had the thread a few weeks back with the Desire on Fire lady (ugh her name escapes me) talking about how her husband had to "put her in her place" for being "too masculine" and how he really just "didnt want her" when she was in her masculine, when she was literally just running her business. Masculine wounding almost ALWAYS shows up as men being jealous of women being better at them in their own field - or really successful publicly at all - and this is why women STILL have a hard time breaking into male dominated spaces. We are systemically kept out because men die inside when they feel inferior to women. They were told this wasn't supposed to happen!!!! In fact, the person who spiritually abused me was a man - I see now how he "kept" me as a pet because of my high standing in the community. But this meant I was still firmly below him in certain ways - a much more comfortable place for me to be, someone who challenged him on his "expertise".
This polarity movement is taking a true spiritual concept and distorting it just to set women back. They don't want you to have an opinion or agency - other than "me want money" and "me want sex". They want you to play on Instagram all day and recruit ladies for them to sexually assault at your joint "retreats". They want you to only feel valued if you're made up and dressed up and "desired" by men. None of this internalized self worth stuff, only external male validation is allowed. Ladies, if any of you reading this are with some sort of this type of man, please, I beg you, choose the bear. This is the type of man who leaves you as soon as your body culminates too many signs of being aged. They are entitlted to a specific cartoon image of what they think a "woman" is, and sadly this culture has made young women INCREDIBLY easy to manipulate, so finding another partner is often quite easy for older men. It's all by design.
Here's another spiritual truth that is often obscured: One of the polarities of divinity is the left hand path and the right hand path. The left hand path is the path of control, wealth, using others, egocentrism, etc. The right hand path is about acceptance, generosity, helping others, and sacrifice. The middle path is a path with little to no power - it's the path of comfort, the path most people are on.
When one walks the middle path - i.e. has not really begun to truly develop their spiritual side - they do not yet have spiritual discernment. What happens when they come across someone who has been using spiritual principles to "build their wealth/power" is that they see someone with a spiritual light - and this isn't super common on social media. When we're hungry for it, we're like a moth to the flame. That's why they always know they'll be another mark. The problem then is when we don't have discernment, we cannot tell which "hand" the light is coming from, and often it's very easy to confuse the left hand for the right and vice versa. For instance, I am giving up a large part of my day to write this purely to help others in this community - Carly or MAL or someone might stumble upon this and see it as "evil". But that's because they see the light, but to them it's against their light, so I'm the evil one. But all I'm trying to offer is freedom of mind, and they're mad because they want your bag, and this is dependent on you being confused and them keeping a crumb of clarity behind a paywall. 💰
Now, some of these girlies are walking the "left hand path" a lot better than the others. I dont know many coaches beyond those talked about here, but I would say someone like MAL has a pretty firm grasp on who she is - a scam artist, a liar, and a user. She's always making up stories and whatnot - she's a pathological liar. She will do anything to get her way. This is pretty serious when you've been behaving this way for years and years. Her image is very rigid and polished, and despite showing up unprepared and offering word salad to her paying persons, her "outer circle" (social media feed etc) is much more curated than most of the other coaches I've seen. She's at the top of the pyramid so she has a huge amount of control and influence. If she cracks someday, we'll see it, and usually people struggle to return to the top once they falter. I'm sure she's already showing some signs of paranoia, which is the first sign a high control person is starting to become unhinged.
Then there are the messier girlies, like Carly, and Karen who has recently been more thoroughly exposed here. These ladies show up very vulnerable to social media, and often are struggling with illness - as someone has said here before, Carly's early coaching gigs were about health and dealing with chronic illness, until she realized that space wasn't sexy or profitable. I'm not saying this is the root of all illness, but transient illness can be a sign of a spiritual mismatch in intentions/action - especially with these people who claim to be "healers" or adjacent to that space. You have to walk your talk, or your body begins to show your hypocrisy. There is a part of these ladies who feel they are truly "helping the planet" and get confused internally when the reaction of their "offers" isn't for people to fall down at their feet worshipping them. This is why they say stuff like "wealth is a mindset!" and other magical thinking - most of them have lived privileged lives and have never been "out" of abundance. They think their "luck" is a carefully curated vibration that they can rub off on others. And like, while I believe that being in the vibrations of someone who is more spiritually mature can help "elevate" someone - these people are playing with spiritual practices and, while seeing some results, truly have no clue what they are talking about and dealing with. People who truly understand manifestation, whether left or right hand, are not busting their ass all day on Instagram trying to recruit lukewarm clients for peanuts. Carly tries SO HARD to sell that all of her work is "easy" and she can "take a walk in the middle of the day!" and not work while she's bleeding and whatnot. But girl, you're hustling and thirsty all over Insta all day every day - this is not abundance, this is not wealth and gratitude, it's giving "big empty black hole in my soul that will never be filled except with more money" energy, babe.
Then there are the girlies like xogingy and The Content Queen whose whole brand seems to be just being a mess all over the place. This sells because it makes people think "well I'm messy maybe I can be messy and rich/successful" but the mess for these girls is much more embraced and embodied than with the prim types like Carly and Karen, who want to be pure luxe and sexy and divine feminine perfection. But the luxe and sexy types are really doing the recruiting for their sexual in-person retreats (or clothing optional zooms) because they're just mega horny all the time (which - btw - is another sign of spiritual imbalance)
And that's the thing - being horny all of the time means your energy body is JACKED. It's not a sign of a free flow of creative energy to crave sex all of the time. Of course a major aspect of this is the sexual magic - yes, there is magic in sex, and I think it's where these folks get most of their magic, because they follow left hand sexual magic practice exclusively (control BDSM). They do play rapes (and borderline real rapes and, in some cases, actual real rapes on their clients/partners), orgasm denial, humiliation, pain rituals - all stuff that truly, objectively, isn't good for the soul. And notice how it's almost always one sided - the male being in total control of the female - though, Carly's substack did have a story about how they did a "role reversal" where she raped/humiliated him and that was um, something I read. 😳 But generally it's the women's job to always be turned on and "dripping wet" and whatnot, so that when her masculine partner gets a boner she's ready for him to slide it in. And then that's always the best sex, the sex that you "surrender" to.... On the contrary, sex between "right hand" practitioners tends to leave both partners feeling quite satisfied and sated - heck, even if only one happens to orgasm! Whereas control oriented sex often has orgasm denial which intentionally leaves the person craving more.
All this is to say, no one should feel guilty for being duped, or conned, or confused, even still. Almost all of these people have weaponized spiritual concepts in some ways and are wielding them with the intention to separate you from your money. They actually do have something that works. But they will NEVER sell you the whole story. And the fact is, this experience likely did happen to you because your soul was aching for some sort of uplevel - or initiation. It's just that initiation rarely looks like getting what we want. MAL et al makes it look like initiation is giving a rich lady 5 figures, popping a bottle of champagne, and roleplaying as that rich lady to which you just gave all that money (or at least, roleplaying as her social media feed). But if you're truly in it for the soul, your experience is going to help you uncover your soul. And part of uncovering our souls at this point in time seems to be having some serious spiritual trauma. And I know some people here probably only did this as "playing around" and not serious and unfortunately, playing with spirituality can be can be dangerous in and of itself. These is not to victim blame at all. It just is the nature of the spiritual path that it may growl and bite at you to test your growth. It's not just a sexy pleasure party 24/7, unless you want to step on a LOT of people to get there.
Anyway, this is very long and I'm not sure it's going to even fit into a reddit post at this point. But I just wanted to share some of the spiritual insights I've had over the years (been on my spiritual journey for over a decade at this point). I don't know it all, but I do know that I live with a general peace of mind that I wish I could sell in a coaching package or voxer group. But I can't/won't do that. So I'll keep to my lifelong duty of making longwinded, mega autistic posts on internet forums that might help a few people orient to a less painful or confused frame of mind, free of charge.
But on that note, before I finish, I'll offer my general spiritual advice: Firstly, take a short time every day to do some sort of sitting/meditation. Learning how to quiet the mind is a skill, and it's the first skill required to learn discernment. Once we can quiet the mind, we can start to learn which thoughts are our own and which thoughts we have absorbed from others - and if you haven't begun this process yet, you may be surprised to find out that the vast majority of your thoughts are actually just society, family, teachers, social media, advertising, etc etc, repeating in your mind and taking up valuable real estate. This is the real hurdle to "manifestation" - clearing away all the false desires that get in the way of our true desires. Subsequently, learning about chakras and tuning into my energy body has also given me a good base for insight and clarity that comes from within my own body.
Secondly, just try to think of others before yourself more often than not. Don't justify manipulating people for your own benefit. Oneness means you treat others how you want to be treated - in a gentle, and nurturing way. When we harm others, especially from a spiritual place, we perpetuate harm, and therefore accept that potential harmful treatment of ourselves. Treating others sincerely with reverence and respect, and setting boundaries so that we don't allow people to treat us with disrespect, is how we generate a reality that treats us with reverence and respect by default. A lot easier said than done, but it is possible.
Love and light to you all.

Hi everyone, I’m new to Reddit and it’s nice to see communities like this. I’m having a panic attack right now, I’m under control and it’s been happening so long that even though I can’t breathe and my heart feels like it’s beating funny I know I’m not going to die necessarily, although it feels like it.
I had a TBI in 2021 that haunted my military career, I ended up getting out. During that healing process I had bouts of anxiety and panic, as well as DPDR which is a whole nother ball of wax.
Since then I have been improving, but it is hard! Today for the first time in a long time, I had a small redbull and drank a beer, I wanted to test my limits and see if any improvement has come over the years. I’m sober, I don’t drink, no drugs, no tobacco/nicotine not even caffeine. Not because I choose not to, I can’t! I was sitting in my chair watching a movie and my throat got tight, chest too. Heart felt like it was beating funny, palms got sweaty, got nauseous, I was panicking. I still am, but for some reason writing this out makes me feel better, relieved maybe?
Ladies and gents, what gives? When does it end? Does it end? It’s been close to three years now and I’m always anxious. I’m always paranoid and on edge. I’m prescribed medications and they DO help but sometimes the physical symptoms are so intense it overpowers the meds, and myself! I can’t self talk myself out of it and have to suffer the duration.
I’m afraid I know the answer to the question, but does the suffering ever end or do I just learn to live with it how it is.
Thank u for reading this far, any help is greatly appreciated 👍🏻

Hi everyone,
I'm a 21-year-old Biotechnology student from Mexico, and I've recently developed a deep interest in literature and literary criticism. I want to embark on a self-study journey with the book "Theory of Literature" by Wellek and Warren, which was recommended to me by a professor in the field. I got the book from my university's central library, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about how to approach it effectively to maximize my learning and make the best use of my time.
Here are some specific questions I have:

• What is the best pace for reading this book? Should I read it quickly for a general understanding, or take my time with each chapter for a deeper grasp?
  
• How many times should I read each chapter? Is it beneficial to reread them, and if so, how often?
  
• When should I take notes, and what should they include? Should I take notes during my first read, or is it better to do it on a second pass? What key points should I focus on in my notes?
  
• How should I organize my study sessions? What strategies can I use to retain and understand the material better?
  

My curiosity for literature started a few months ago when I discovered that it is a form of art that allows us to experience the human condition across different contexts and historical periods. I've been fascinated by reading letters, chronicles, and accounts from ancient civilizations, as well as enjoying various novels with intriguing narratives. I've also been listening to literary critiques by Jesús G. Maestro on YouTube, which I find very insightful.
My goal is to study literary theory as a foundation and then delve deeper into literary criticism. Eventually, I'd like to explore different schools of thought within literary criticism or discover new branches of literature that captivate me.
Any advice specifically on how to tackle this book would be incredibly helpful. Additionally, any general tips or guidance on studying literary theory or exploring literature would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

help me i'm really stuck in a weird cycle of thoughts
hello everyone , this is my first time posting here i'm usually here just to read posts and occasionally interact. first i want to apologise if my english is bad its my 2nd language. secondly i want to introduce myself i'm a 22yo(M) medical student 1 more year to go so i can graduate. i have ocd and i deal with perfectionism a lot which in the early years it was benefitial for me it got to where i am i was always praised by my teachers and family but deep down i felt like i didnt do enough work to be having all this good feedback and that i needed to do more so i stayed on this mentality of doing everything perfectly to avoid judgement / failure and feelings of inferiority. moving forwards this mindset became toxic for me as i started med school [ which for context : its a journey where you get tons of informations in a short amount of time and you have to learn the best you can from it and the reality is that its impossible to be able to be perfect in it; yes thats what i think .. me the perfectionist... words easy to say but very hard to apply and internalise in my mind] it started giving me anxiety in the first years but i managed to keep holding on thru it without burning out which means i did the best work i can so i can shut down the voice of "you didnt do well" ... i worked hard in the first years i was so productive but this didnt stay like this over the years i started running out of energy and started losing interest and my perfectionism started to manifest as procrastinating my tasks because in my mind ; if u start it i won't be able to give my best in it ; i will feel bad for not understanding it from one take or i will forget it anyway or i won't be able to understand perfectly the whole chapter for exemple and i won't be able to be good in it and therefore i will be "mid" "judged" "inferior" comparing to my peers who i percieve as ppl who are productive and loving what they are doing and they are hard working and deserves the scores they get. and somehow with all of this i manage to buckle up in few weeks and work hard to get a score that will satisfy the inner perfectionist in me. BUT so to sum it up : its like this procrastination made my feelings of "you don't deserve those scores and this places" even worse cuz if i had it when i was ACTUALLY doing efforts and working hard ... then automatically i still have it ... but even worse than before when i'm a chronic procrastinator.
these thoughts didn't let me enjoy the med school experience i don't feel like i satisfied the "little kid me" who always dreamed abt it.
perfectionism is a hell of a personality trait it gives you what you need in early stages of your life but as you move forwards and you meet the real life it becomes your enemy and destroy your self-esteem.
as for now ; i'm in a freezing mode i have 4 weeks left to study for an exam and its been 3 weekq that ive been planning to start studying it but i couldnt cause of this problem i did well all year long but i burned out and i can't bring myself to do anything but i NEED to pass this exam and my brain won't stop criticising me abt how i wasted 3 weeks (again the perfectionism shit).
please if there's any medical student who relate to me. comment or dm me and tell me how do you cope what solution you found for yourself or at least lets have a conversation about this.
also my final exams are in 3 weeks and i have A HUGE AMPOUNT of lectures to study and i'm having so much anxiety because ik once i start studying i will get more anxious about not doing it effectively and start the loop again !!

verse 1:
keep the mind flow like rain fall in Big Bog,
how i eat words is none your business, sick smog
spiral out like a Stereolab cover, the emperor hovers,
viral as smog from two bars ago, remember her color
tomato for ketchup, making dots and loops on his signature,
cash checks to catch up, taking shots to shoot for no ligature
marks on the wrists like Shinola glitter, ain’t fish scale,
singing that lovely figaro, hit her once, forget Ishmael
hail from the ash of the smog, no coughs for the sickness,
exhale the cash from Prague where i sought my richness
fitness for the hogs, seek to trash my name, send em running,
slick is the way i clog up their cache, could say i’m stuntin’
evil like knievel, flashy as his jumpsuit,
weasel out illegal lassies, he’ll stump soon
dump deliveries down, done decent dros,
dojo done dime a dozen, diesel dropped in dirty doses
hook:
dump that diesel in the tank,
pump the easel full of dank
make the word art pop like a magazine collage,
take a third off the track, save for the montage
jump over the needle covered in swank,
bump the eagle off his flank,
my words strike you like a verbal barrage,
making your peace with a good mirage
verse 2:
cloaked the dagger, i croaked your jagger,
then i toked the shwagger, cuz i smoked the blabber
choked the tagger, pressed his cannon to the wall,
blew a couple puffs out before he dropped the ball
lost his marbles while he struggled and gargled,
sloshed like the marshall, but he smuggled the cuadro
new coke, all interest lost, don’t tell the bank,
you broke, simplest cost, go to hell, thanks
shit sewed so simply, set sale so small,
tricked and towed, taught to tell tenacious tales tall
short attention spans, like Gen Alpha on 60 Seconds,
export pension grands to Valhalla, no shifty weapons
Odin puts rings on all the bitches’ fingers, infinite,
show them wings on all his riches, ringers intimate
wings like Hermes, don’t shoot the messenger,
don’t give him a Red Bull, remember the pensioner
hook:
verse 3:
i’ll paint your body with blood from your exit wounds,
faint for a John Doe from the hood, doc says it’s doomed
rained like a monsoon, Big Bog came back full force,
he trained the storms to hit hard, named them Bull Horse
hull of the ship cracked, sink deeper than your love life,
skull and ribs cracked by bones of leaders of strife
the structure more rigid than the beat, meat under heat,
puncture with the thermo probe, no repeat defeat
pleated Homme jacket, soaked in rain water,
heated in the placket, smoked the main talker
greeted thirty maggots, doped brain not stronger,
cheated curvy black chicks, revoked a million dollars
treat you like a junky at Thanksgiving, cold turkey,
i’ll leave you shook worse than methadone, lone journey
verses so cold, gotta give you the OJ, no gloves,
turkey noodle soup out of stock, okay, low doves
bridge:
hey blud, we need to liquidate our assets
no duds, the sweeper intimidate the brassets
lost my head, cost my friend, all alone,
dropped the bread, tossed the lead, call Ramone
i think it’s safe to say the story’s gone off the rail,
like the tall tale from bar thirty four, soft and frail
always wear a ski mask when the ugly mug rob the bank,
reclaim your assets, unless you wanna walk the plank
verse 4:
pirate my music, cuz i don’t give a fuck about my label,
irate, i’m too sick, i won’t live to duck another cable
tables turned like a lazy susan Marantz, food for thought,
cradle learned how to make my gats, screwed a lot
i’ll facetime ya momma, funeral’s closed casket,
no base line for commas, numeral’s composed tax cuts
can’t afford to bury ya, leave ya to the elements,
absurd to carry a beaver for no emphasis
no emphasis on your life, less worth than a common seven inch,
no nemesis is less than this, you’re nobody, don’t question this
the doctor said i’d die lit if i kept the spliff tucked ‘tween my lips,
hit the cherry in the pit til i’m fit to spit a crit, clean my rips
you puff the blunt like a one hit wonder, call you Afroman,
take me out cuz i swiped the lean back, call it my bad day, agro clan
plan to take my methods, i’ll make sure you’re threw aside,
cuz when i’m through with you, you’ll contemplate suicide

That’s all it was. A game.
Something my friends and I used to play during the summer when we had nothing better to do. I never expected that it would get so out of hand.
I never expected it to come back long after recovery.
To anyone reading, please don’t do what I did.
I’m putting this out there to warn people.
On that warm summer evening, we played the role of Pandora.
Except, the monsters we released were far worse than what’s told in stories.
Because stories end.
And this doesn’t.
I still remember the date. July 16, 2013. I was an upcoming senior in high school while the others were getting prepared for their freshman year of college, raving on about their majors, life plans, dorms, you get the point. The summer had been bittersweet as those months would be the last I’d see them for a while. Because of this, Anthony, Lola, Eliza, and I would spend the bulk of our time together going to festivals and various camping trips, trying to make the most out of the summer while we could. On that day, the day I wish I could forget, Eliza had run late to one of our hangouts at my place. This was odd since as an Ivy league student, she was usually early or right on time to these kind of things. Half past three, we heard her knocking on my door rapidly, which was also out of character considering that she was usually the calm one in our group. A bit worried, I hurried down the stairs with Anthony and Lola following close behind, expecting Eliza to be in hysterics due to her frantic behavior. When I opened the door, however, there she was with a bright smile on her face, her red hair getting in the way of her eyes, which were a dark green shade. She pushed her hair out of her face with one hand and held a brown box in the other, and she was bouncing up and down as she usually does when she’s about to talk about something exciting.
“You’ll never believe what I found.” Eliza’s voice could barely hold her impatience as she stepped inside and kicked her shoes off once she crossed over my threshold.
“What’s up with you today?” Anthony questioned, looking more confused than concerned now.
“I’ll show you guys in a minute. Can we go up to your room, Felix?” Eliza looked over at me with her trademark smile, knowing damn well we were all too curious to just leave that box unopened. Without a word, I led the group up to my room and shut the door after everyone had walked in. Anthony took his usual spot on my beanbag and unzipped his hoodie, which had the MSM logo sprawled across the front in big red letters. He adjusted his dark rimmed glasses and took on his usual stoic expression. Lola wore a dark blue FIT shirt, which she revealed more of when she moved her locs over her shoulder as she sat on my desk chair and wheeled over to us. As she did, the various necklaces she wore clinked against each other. Eliza herself was the smartest out of the group, and probably in the whole school as well. She had gotten accepted into multiple prestigious schools, but ultimately settled for Harvard to pursue a degree in some obscure philanthropic career. Unlike Anthony and Lola, Eliza wore her regular outfit –usually a white tank top and jeans– and sat on my bed with the box in her lap. I took a seat next to her to get a closer look.
“So what’d you find?” The others moved closer.
“Something we probably haven’t thought about for a really long time. Do you guys remember that one game we used to play in middle school? The one we made after Felix joined our class?” Eliza looked at our puzzled faces to see if we had connected the dots, but her clue didn’t seem to strike any of us with familiarity.
“After Felix joined? Didn’t we just hang out or something that weekend?” Anthony questioned.
“We did, but there was something else,” Eliza raised an eyebrow, “you guys seriously don’t remember?”
At that moment, I saw Lola’s eyes light up and a thin smile grew on her lips, something she always did whenever she was able to figure something out.
“You mean that little map game we played? Where we would go out to the woods and explore?”
Both Anthony and I seemed to have remembered as well with the mention of a ‘map game.’ I chimed in, “ yeah I remember! Every once in a while when we were all bored, we’d pick a random spot on a map to go to and explore there for a bit, right? When did we stop doing that anyways? I remember really enjoying it.”
“Well life happens,” Eliza responded to me, “but I was thinking of things to do for the rest of the summer when I suddenly remembered that game! That’s why I was so late for our meetup today, I was looking through my attic for this.” Eliza shook the box slightly and a couple things clattered around inside.
“There’s no way.” Anthony sounded like he was in disbelief.
“You mean…?” Lola sat forward in the chair. Eliza smirked, her adventurous nature creeping out as realization swept over us like a wave.
“Mhm! I found the map we used to use as well as the things we collected from our little escapades.” With that, Eliza opened the box, revealing a folded piece of paper and various trinkets scattered over the bottom of the capsule. Lola squealed with excitement and immediately snatched the box from Eliza, who simply chuckled and leaned back on the bed.
“No way! Everything’s still in here!” Lola digged through the box and placed whatever objects she found across the blanket. Anthony got up and sat at the foot of my bed, to observe our findings more closely. There was a piece of some clay pottery, some rusty springs and scraps of metal, an old digital camera, and some other random stuff I can’t recall to memory right now. Anthony picked up a spring and turned it in his palm.
“Shit man, this is from that abandoned junkyard we found in 8th grade…that feels like such a long time ago now.”
I examined the piece of pottery with Eliza looking over my shoulder. Lola picked up the digital camera.
“Do you remember where this came from?” I turned to Eliza and held up my discovery.
“No clue,” she shrugged. It must have been a while ago if even she didn’t remember. I turned the piece over and grew curious when I saw weird symbols inscribed on the inside of it. I squinted a bit, trying to discern some sort of pattern within the scribbles.
I turned to Eliza again, “hey, what do you think-”
“OH MY GOD GUYS IT STILL WORKS!” Lola’s voice went up a whole octave as she motioned to us.
The rest of us looked up as she turned the camera to face us. There were various photos we went through. All of us at lakes, museums, exploring the woods; everything we did from 7th grade until my freshman year seemed to be documented. The last photo was arguable the best and msot bittersweet. It was a picture of the whole group from a while ago. We were sitting at Eliza’s dinner table with a giant chocolate cake on the middle of it adorned with two candles shaped like the numbers one and five. Eliza was talking to me in the photo. Her hair was even more red at the time and she wore it in a braid. I looked about the same in the photo as I did then, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and freckles scattered all over my body and face. I was smiling sheepishly at Eliza. I now knew why Anthony said it was obvious I had a crush on her in 8th grade. Lola went through the most changes out of all of us. At the time in the photo, she had her hair straightened and side-swept, with a bright pink streak in her bangs. She wore clunky jewlery and a frilly skirt underneath a long tank top, leaning over the table to cut another slice of cake. All of us had birthday hats on except for Anthony, who kept his sitting on the table. He held up a peace sign staring straight into the camera with a stoic expression. He looked like a statue compared to the rest of us, who were laughing and smiling. You could tell he was having fun, though.
“Well don’t you look like a ray of sunshine,” Lola snickered as Anthony shot her a dirty look.
“At least I didn’t go through some weird scene phase in freshman year,” He smiled and watched Lola’s face, knowing she was blushing despite her dark skin which made it practically invisible. I let a laugh slip out, but quickly stifled it knowing that if I kept going it would mean death. Lola side-eyed me and continued, “I was using my creative liberty to experiment with my options as an artist,” she said with an overly-posh accent that made Eliza laugh.
“Yeah Anthony, don’t be such a downer,” Eliza teased. Anthony simply rolled his eyes and suppressed a smile to pretend like he was mad at all of us. He looked into the box and picked up the paper we left, unfolding it with a hint of excitement and curiosity. When he looked at it, only two words came out of his mouth.
“Holy shit.”
“What, what is it?” Lola tried to look at the other side of the paper, but Anthony quickly held it out of her view.
“What if I didn’t want to show you?” A smile crept onto his face. This was one of those rare moments where he’d be in the moos to joke around with us.
“Don’t be a dick bro,” I said, laughing as I went to grab for the paper. Anthony just held it up in the air and pushed me off of him and I landed on my floor. While he was distracted, though, Eliza took her chance and snatched the paper right out of his hand.
“You boys need to learn to be nice,” she warned in her jokingly stern voice as she unfolded the paper and spread it out onto my bed. We all leaned over to look.
It was a map of a couple towns including ours. There were around ten small star stickers placed on different areas on the map near the streets the four of us lived in. On the top of the map, a couple words were scrawled in black sharpie; “Pick a Place!” I could see everyone’s faces light up.
“Oh my god it’s our map!” Lola shouted and pointed to one of the stars near her street, “this was where we found that old junkyard right?”
Eliza smiled, “I remember that. It feels like such a long time ago now.” She pointed to another star, “and this is where we found that lake we made a hideout of. I still remember swimming in there in 8th grade…”
The four of us reminisced for a while, talking about where we had gone and what we did there, and how impressive it was that we didn’t get tetanus from that junkyard. After nearly an hour of conversation, Eliza asked something that made all of us stop.
“So how about it guys? Do you want to do one last round before the summer ends?”
The rest of us looked around at each other. It was clear we all wanted to do it. Eliza seemed to catch on and she nodded.
“Who wants to pick where we go?”
“How about you do the honors?” Lola suggested, motioning towards the map. “You’re the one that brought this stuff in anyways.”
Eliza raised her eyebrow but didn’t object. Without a word, she examined the map for a few minutes, then placed her finger on one spot a bit far from my house.
“How about here?”
“You think we can make it that far?” Anthony asked.
“Well, we can drive now so why not?”
“You sure there’s some type of trail we can drive on? That spot looks pretty deep in the woods”
“We can find a path to drive on for a bit then walk the rest of the way. C’mon guys, this is probably our last chance to do something like this! Felix, you can drive right?”
Eliza and the rest turned to me with a hopeful expression. I had to comply.
“Sure. No big deal, right?”
All three of them cheered and high fived each other, looking pretty excited to go on one last adventure.
“So when do we leave?” I questioned.
Eliza flashed that smile again, “right now.”
“Right now?!”
“Hell yeah,” Lola chimed in. “It shouldn’t take that long, right?”
“I guess…” Even then I felt uneasy about the whole thing. I didn’t feel prepared enough to go on some random trip into the woods. I needed to pack food, water, flashlights, I had no idea how long this was going to take. Little did I know that those things would be the least of my worries a couple hours from then. I wish I could go back and convince my 17-year-old self that it wasn’t worth it, that I should just convince my friends to stay and talk for the rest of the day. I wish Eliza had never remembered that stupid game. In a way, I’m almost mad at her for what happened, but I know it wasn’t anyones fault. We just wanted to have fun. I wish we could’ve just had fun. But God had a different plan for us. One that made me think Satan himself devised it instead. On July 16, 2013, Anthony He, Lola Smith, Eliza Landserson, and Felix Johanson went on an adventure that none of them were ready for.
Author's Note:
If you just read all of that then thank you so so so much for doing so! I'm a rookie writer, so feel free to comment any constructive criticism you might have if you have actual writing experience! This is the first silly little story I'm posting here, so I hope you enjoyed :)

Use these to draft one page short stories that can be used to give life to emotional reactions.

1. How do you feel when you find out your favorite book has a sequel?
   1. Describe the emotion when you receive a surprise gift from a friend.
   2. What emotions arise when you lose a game you were really looking forward to winning?
   3. Share the feelings you experience on the first day of a new school year.
   4. How do you react when you have to speak in front of the class unexpectedly?
   5. Describe the mix of emotions when you meet a new friend for the first time.
   6. What's your emotional response when you get a good grade on a test you studied hard for?
   7. Express your feelings when you have to apologize to someone.
   8. How does it feel when you successfully solve a challenging puzzle or riddle?
   9. Describe the emotions when you witness an act of kindness in your school.
   10. Share your reaction when your parents surprise you with a fun outing.
   11. How do you feel when you receive a compliment from a teacher?
   12. Express the emotions when you face a fear and overcome it.
   13. Describe the mix of emotions when your best friend moves away.
   14. How does it feel when you achieve a personal goal you've been working on?
   15. Share your emotional response when you receive constructive criticism.
   16. What are your feelings when you have to say goodbye to someone you care about?
   17. Describe the emotions when you create something artistic that you're proud of.
   18. How do you react when you encounter a challenge you've never faced before?
   19. Express the feelings when you win a competition against your classmates.
   20. What emotions arise when you have to admit you made a mistake?
   21. Share your reaction when you successfully make someone else laugh.
   22. How do you feel when you see someone being unfairly treated?
   23. Describe the mix of emotions when you receive recognition for your hard work.
   24. Express your feelings when you have to confront a difficult situation.
   25. How does it feel when you help someone who is struggling?
   26. Share your emotional response when you receive a genuine apology.
   27. What are your feelings when you witness an act of generosity in your community?
   28. Describe the emotions when you receive unexpected praise from a peer.
   29. How do you react when you experience a moment of pure joy?
   30. Express the feelings when you have to deal with a disappointment.
   31. Share your reaction when you successfully navigate a new environment.
   32. What emotions arise when you make a new friend during a group activity?
   33. Describe the mix of emotions when you have to share something important with others.
   34. How do you feel when you achieve a milestone in a personal project?
   35. Express your feelings when you have to confront a situation that makes you nervous.
   36. How does it feel when you receive support from unexpected sources?
   37. Share your emotional response when you witness an act of bravery.
   38. What are your feelings when you receive constructive feedback on your creative work?
   39. Describe the emotions when you discover a new hobby that you love.
   40. How do you react when you have to face a rule or consequence you disagree with?
   41. Express the feelings when you overcome a physical challenge or obstacle.
   42. Share your reaction when you meet someone who shares your interests.
   43. What emotions arise when you have to work in a group and contribute your ideas?
   44. How do you feel when you witness an act of perseverance in someone else?
   45. Describe the mix of emotions when you learn a valuable lesson from a mistake.
   46. Express your feelings when you receive encouragement from a mentor.
   47. How does it feel when you are asked to take on a leadership role?
   48. Share your emotional response when you make amends with someone after a disagreement.
   49. What are your feelings when you have to adapt to a sudden change in plans?
   50. Describe the emotions when you receive unexpected assistance from a classmate.
   51. How do you react when you have to share your personal achievements with others?
   52. Express the feelings when you successfully navigate a social situation.
   53. Share your reaction when you find out your favorite activity is canceled.
   54. What emotions arise when you have to admit you need help with something?
   55. Describe the mix of emotions when you receive positive feedback from a teacher.
   56. How do you feel when you are chosen for a special role or task?
   57. Express your feelings when you witness an act of fairness in a game or competition.
   58. How does it feel when you learn something new that challenges your perspective?
   59. Share your emotional response when you have to comfort a friend in need.
   60. What are your feelings when you participate in a community service project?
   61. Describe the emotions when you receive recognition for your kindness towards others.
   62. How do you react when you have to navigate a situation where you feel misunderstood?
   63. Express the feelings when you successfully resolve a conflict with a friend.
   64. Share your reaction when you discover a hidden talent or skill.
   65. What emotions arise when you have to stand up for what you believe in?
   66. How do you feel when you experience a moment of gratitude towards someone else?
   67. Describe the mix of emotions when you have to say goodbye to a beloved pet.
   68. Express your feelings when you overcome a fear and try something new.
   69. How does it feel when you receive support during a challenging time?
   70. Share your emotional response when you witness an act of sportsmanship.
   71. What are your feelings when you participate in a team-building activity?
   72. Describe the emotions when you have to navigate a situation where you feel left out.
   73. How do you react when you receive constructive criticism from a peer?
   74. Express the feelings when you successfully complete a long-term project.
   75. Share your reaction when you witness an act of environmental stewardship.
   76. What emotions arise when you have to cope with the loss of a valuable possession?
   77. How do you feel when you are entrusted with a responsibility by a teacher?
   78. Describe the mix of emotions when you participate in a cultural exchange activity.
   79. Express your feelings when you help organize a surprise for someone else.
   80. How does it feel when you receive unexpected encouragement from a family member?
   81. Share your emotional response when you witness an act of compassion in your community.
   82. What are your feelings when you have to navigate a situation where you feel underestimated?
   83. Describe the emotions when you receive a heartfelt letter or note from a friend.
   84. How do you react when you have to confront a situation where you feel pressured?
   85. Express the feelings when you successfully teach someone a new skill.
   86. Share your reaction when you witness an act of creativity in your school.
   87. What emotions arise when you have to cope with the end of a school year?
   88. How do you feel when you participate in a group project and everyone contributes?
   89. Describe the mix of emotions when you receive an unexpected apology.
   90. Express your feelings when you successfully negotiate a compromise with a friend.
   91. How does it feel when you discover a new way to express yourself creatively?
   92. Share your emotional response when you witness an act of selflessness.
   93. What are your feelings when you have to navigate a situation where you feel proud of yourself?
   94. Describe the emotions when you receive positive feedback for your efforts.
   95. How do you react when you have to face a situation where you feel out of place?

TLDR; Myself and five other colleagues that I know of have been bullied by longstanding members of staff. I am going to be speaking to my boss about their behavior and would like some advice on how to address it.
I work for a company with a BOH staff of about 40 people. The owner is the also the manager and I have a decent rapport with him. He isn't often BOH as he is busy running the business.
There are several established members of staff who are actively bullying and sabotaging other members of staff. I was bullied to the point of a breakdown (I have had a lot going on that made a little more sensitive than usual, but that doesn't exactly matter). It was bad enough to the point I've been unable to return to work for the last two weeks.
Upon discussing this with other staff, I have learned that every female and LGBTQ member of staff has been bullied by these people. They have been bullied to the point of quitting, cutting hours, or changing their shift patterns entirely.
I have had my work sabotaged by these people. They've done their best to make me feel crazy, inadequate, and absolutely shit at my job (which I definitely am not), they've shouted at me and other staff for small mistakes.
I have a colleague who has been documenting the bullying they are now receiving since I haven't been at work for the last two weeks.
On Monday, I plan to sit down with the boss and tell him exactly why I've been off work and that I am not at all alone in my experiences. I've only received permission from one person to mention their name, so I'll definitely not mention the other four people I know who have experienced this.
Any tips on how to approach this conversation, please?

About an hour ago, I wrote that post in another forum, but I noticed there is a more specialized one for my situation when I was reading other posts. That's why it's the same like in another forum, but it also has some additional details and questions for those who had similar experiences and can recommend some possible solutions for me (well, actually, when I was writing some "additional details" post became about 1.5 times bigger). Thanks.
THE POST:
Well, hello.
^{I just want to write some stuff because I have no one to tell and make myself a bit calm. I know that sounds a bit selfish, so I'm really sorry for that. Delete my post, please, if it's in the wrong forum.}
As you can already know from the title, I'm a twenty-year-old guy who's just a bit confused.
My parents have been married for over 25 years and have been together for over 30 years. They started their lives again from nothing because they gave all their stuff to their exes and kids and then earned enough money through hard work to be able to spend the rest of their lives without working, just doing their hobbies. They were happily living in their own house together that they wanted and had dreams and plans for the next decades to happily live together here.
However, they almost broke up once when I was a kid, but their friends helped them renew their relationship. I still remember that day and hoped that would never happen again, but here it is.
And, it happened again yesterday. It began from a small thing that shouldn't have been a trigger. I initially thought it was a joke because I thought that couldn't happen due to such a small thing like choosing where to buy something.
I tried to talk with both of them in hopes of helping them restore their relationship because I also saw that my mom really wanted to restore it, and somehow I understood what was going on. I understood it as their inability to objectively talk about their relationship and problems that happened over the last years led to this. They just don't want to seriously apologize to each other due to their pride.
At first, I laughed a bit and felt positive, thinking this situation could be easily solved, but today I understand that it is almost impossible to save their relationship. They don't really want to hear me right now, especially my dad, and there are, sadly, no more friends nearby who could try to help them like before. I'm actually in a panic right now, but I don't want to show it, hoping that this situation can still be solved. Most of their close friends once said that they are the ones who will never break up due to the things that they went through.
Dad tried to calm me down somehow by saying that I have an apartment and some money in a bank assigned to me, so I'll be completely fine and will have a roof over my head and will be able to finish college, but for me, it's not about money. It's about their relationship, and I worry about them.
I know that if they actually break up, they will no longer live together and there is a low chance that they will be able to find someone else they love due to their age and personality. They still suit each other so well but just don't want to talk normally about that pity problem due to their characters.
I'm still really depressed due to the war that is going on in my country and now also have this. Unfortunately, I don't really have friends because all who I know are not really close to me. I really like my parents and was always talking with them a lot. Right now, I'm a college student who is really confused. I just feel that too much shit has dropped on me in the last two years. I just started to feel somewhat good a few months ago when I finally understood what I'm actually interested in (yeah, I understood that by already being a college student) and now have this too...
^{Thank you, Reddit, for giving me a chance to write this whiny post. I know that it will likely get zero attention, but the main point for me was to express my feelings somewhere, knowing that it will be more or less anonymous.}
Well, here are some additional details and questions...
As you could probably understand from that text, my parents are the whole world to me. We had a great relationship. I don't really have friends or someone else to talk to about this.
This situation is a shock for me because only now do I understand that I probably won't be able to stop it; I might even make it worse by trying to do something.
My mom doesn't want to divorce and would love to stay with my dad, but he radically wants to move and sell the house that they built and dreamed of for a long time. Just two days ago, the day before that all happenned, they were both happily talking about how satisfied they were to have it. I just see that she is broken right now because her dreams are crushed.
Yes, as I said, I think it's the fault of both of them, but Dad is just unemotional. When she was panicking and crying about what is going on with him and why his views suddenly changed, he just said nothing and, without any emotions, went to his room without saying anything. I tried to talk with him, but he didn't really want to talk seriously and mostly said that I have enough money and an apartment to care for myself for some time. I just can't understand what is going on with him; he has suddenly become another person that I don't know.
Meanwhile, my mother has somehow admitted that this situation is both their faults, but Dad just says that it's only her fault and he doesn't see any fault on his part. Maybe computer game addiction changed him, or what? For the last few years, he has been playing computer games a lot (actually almost 24/7) and was staying in bed with his laptop almost always, only getting out of bed to eat or poop. Dad was really active person before, unbelievably active. But know he's not even washing or brushing his teeth much and proudly saying that he became the best player in one MMO game.
I just still don't understand what is going on. Do I have to stay with mom? Right now, I'm planning to. I just see her crushed, and I'm scared about that. She was always so strong with so much energy, but right now she looks so defeated, she never was like that, like everything she had is completely destroyed, while my father is just emotionless and doesn't really want to talk. When I'm trying to talk with him he's just looking to the the screen of the laptop and keep playing his game and not really listening me.
I really want my dad back so much, that was a really positive, sociable and active person...

ೃ༄🐛ೃ༄ introduction ೃ༄🐛ೃ༄

if you are involved in the shifting community, you may have seen the mention of some sort of 'lifa app' with no explanation as to what it is. sometimes, in scripts, it will say stuff such as...
'when i shift to this reality, i will have a lifa app to check in on my cr self and it cannot be deleted or destroyed.'
but what is the app that everyone is talking about? is it an actual app or sort of app in another reality that everyone just knows of?
in this post, i will be explaining the lifa app as a full guide of how to use it. its features, and what it is.

༊·˚🌿 what is the lifa app? ༊·˚🌿

the lifa app is a reality shifting based app that lets you keep track of your dr or multiple drs in literally every way imaginable. from the time it is to your memories. it even gives you diary entries for yourself. it is meant to be used as a tool to help shifters keep track of all of their information about them and their dr. it also allows a gateway to meet other shifters like yourself and shift with them to the same reality.

｡･ﾟﾟ･ 🥞 🥯 features 🥯 🥞 ･ﾟﾟ･｡

the lifa app has many features. the main ones you can see first are dr details, visualizations, group shifting, sharing.
let's go over each feature one by one.

: ̗̀➛ dr details

the first thing that you will get when you are greeted by this an i icon that says about this dr. when you click on it, you are able to type the location and a background story about your desired reality.
: ̗̀➛ time
this feature allows you to add a time and date to your dr. time will pass the same as it does here. for example in my dr, it is currently november 19, 2130 and is 1:47 pm. i chose to freeze time in this dr and submitted it.
: ̗̀➛ theme
this holds the name of what your dr is called, the icon it has, and the background of it when you click on the app. you can also choose the font color and a background tint as well. it also holds your name in your dr.
: ̗̀➛ timeline
you are able to establish a timeline of your desired reality before the point that you shift. i recommend keeping it brief to the important stuff. main instances of childhood and things that you remember with the same importance as you do now.
: ̗̀➛ notion script
this feature is if you have a script on the website notion script. it is a website in which you can gather and fill in shifting templates and is a great way to organize yourself. this is not necessary though. there are other features you can use for your script on here.
: ̗̀➛ about me
this is just a section where you write all about yourself. your name, your age, nicknames, safe word, height, hometown, ethnicity, race, nationality, sexuality, pronouns, gender, language(s), positive traits, negative traits, habit, likes, dislikes, hobbies, and skills.
: ̗̀➛ relationships
when you enter this tab, it will take you to a screen that has a place where you can add family members, friends, pets, significant other(s) or 'other'. the other tab has you in it.
when you decide to add let's say a friend, you start off by adding their name. then there age, closeness, and appearance. you can follow that up by adding a photo of said friend. you can type in relationship dynamic, how you met, and extra info. the format is the exact same no matter the type of relationship aside from pets.
the pet section is a little bit different. you add their name, age, species, pet bed, size, and about them.
there is also a recorder option where you can move around the placements of these characters.
: ̗̀➛ scenarios
this includes upcoming scenarios that you had planned, past scenarios that you did while in your reality, desired upcoming scenarios that include no date but you want to do or have plans to do. finally, you have memories which has no date. these are things that you will automatically remember when in your dr.
it's just a brief section where you can type in a title and add as much as you want of details of that memory. you can add a photo and select if it has a date or if it is a past memory or not.
: ̗̀➛ calendar
this just has the date of your dr. you can also create events on specific dates. that's pretty much it, this section is short.
: ̗̀➛ diary
you can write diary entires. talk about your day, memories, anything that may make you feel closer to your dr. this section is also short.
: ̗̀➛ playlist
so is this one. you make a playlist. and link the playlist, whenever you open the playlist, you get a new tab that takes you to that playlist to listen. i use it to keep my shifting subliminal playlist, but you don't have to.
: ̗̀➛ hero/villain
this is a tab within a tab so i'm bolding it. the first tab is customize, but that feature is locked behind a paywall with a monthly subscription of $3.99. i will talk about the subscription later.
then you have powers. you type the name of it and what your powers do. you have weapons which have the same explanation as powers. missions means you can make your own missions.
then there is combat skills. you list your strength, speed, agility, intelligence, compatibility, stamina, and flexibility out of five. then you can add your backstory. it's a blank sheet where you can type it out.
next is costumes where you describe what your costume looks like.
ally team includes your team name, how well you work together, specific events and upcoming battles, and other details. you can also add relationships from your relationship section and names of that.
enemy team is relatively the same. a team name, specific events or battles, other details, and can once again, select relationship with each member.
finally, there is timeline which has a title and description. you can also add scenarios if needed.
thankfully, that is thee last feature about dr details and we can now move on to visualizations.

: ̗̀➛ visualizations ‧₊˚🖇️✩

this tab focuses all on the visual aspects of your desired reality. even if you can't visualize, you can still use these to get a good idea on what things will look like.
: ̗̀➛ appearence
you can add a hair claim, face claim, body claim, hand claim, voice claim, and specific features claim. personally, i think that the last one could be explained easily in body or face claim.
either way, when you press one of these tabs, you can type in a detailed description on what you look like. now, i didn't notice at first but all the way at the bottom will be a small section that says add photo to which you can go into your gallery and choose a photo for yourself on that specific claim.
: ̗̀➛ wardrobe
this section will include an area that says wardrobe. you press the giant + sign on the top right hand corner and it takes you to a section that says create wardrobe. all you gotta do is add a title and a description. once you do that, you click on the tab again and then add a photo of a specific outfit of yours. you can add multiple photos, move them around using the recorder option right next to photos.
: ̗̀➛ photo gallery
you can make multiple photo galleries , customize albums of different things relating to your dr.
: ̗̀➛ pinterest boards
here you can add the link to your pinterest board...and a title. that's about it.
: ̗̀➛ wallet
this does not connect to any funds in this reality. it's supposed to keep track of money in your dr. i find this feature a bit dumb tbh and seems to waste more time preparing to shift than actually shifting.
: ̗̀➛ outfits
again, this is the same as wardrobe but more customized. you can add each individual clothing item separately if you wanna do that.
: ̗̀➛ belongings
you add photos and a title of what you own and its sentiment. yeah.
: ̗̀➛ or self
it has a stick figure of you. you list your family, what they're doing, their location, and your action, mood, and location.
: ̗̀➛ music group dr
without paying, you can only add one music group and one album. there is a members tab but you need a monthly subscription in order to access it.
i use this feature in one dr to describe my favorite band to listen to and an album i like. if you wanna add more than one album, then you also need to pay,
: ̗̀➛ school app
this is a doozy and has multiple tabs so this will be rapid fire.
you have your student i.d. report card, schedule.
schedule contains period, subject, and teacher. your school in your dr. you can add a photo, location, mascot, colors, class song, traditions, and history of your school.
you can also add your school uniform if you have one. this includes daily uniform and gym uniform. you can add a school map and a yearbook (????????)
again, these are fine i think but the yearbook seems unnecessary, just script who is in your class with you.
also there's a teacher mode but you can only access that with payment.
: ̗̀➛ chat
you can make a chatroom. and roleplay as every single member in that chatroom...for some reason. i don't need to repeat myself here, you already know what i'm going to say.
: ̗̀➛ chat ai
this is locked behind a paywall. just use character ai, it's free and you don't have a limit of 200 messages per day.
: ̗̀➛ family tree
for some reason you can't add siblings. the only way to add siblings kinda is to make them have the same parents as you on a new family tree.
this is just so not necessary. just write down your siblings in your script. no need for your entire extended bloodline. the universe will figure that out.
: ̗̀➛ places
you add places in your dr.
: ̗̀➛ fame phone
you can make a knock off insta account, twitter account, a wikipedia, and a youtube. again, not needed. just shift. also the settings and notifications features are locked behind a paywall.

: ̗̀➛ group shifting

you need to convert your account into an online account. but you can connect with other people and plan to shift together as a group. for those that don't know, group shifting is where you and one or more people collectively decide to shift to the same dr as different people and basically share an experience in that dr.

: ̗̀➛ sharing

the exact same thing as above. except this time you can just share your dr. you need an account to access this feature. it can give others ideas on scripts, drs, or anything else of the sort. it can be a great way to connect with others.

𓍯𓂃ᥫ᭡.🩹 final thoughts 𓍯𓂃ᥫ᭡.🩹

i think some of its features are helpful! however, other parts of it can be very distracting from shifting. i almost felt like this was an oc maker rather than shifting app. some of these i think didn't need so many features. the amount of features there are is crazy. the features section alone i needed to divide into several sections because it took so much longer to get through than i initially thought. it took about two hours to review each of them and i had to take breaks in between. to a new shifter especially, this would be so overwhelming.
you don't need face claims, body claims, or special features claims. as long as you have a general idea of what you and your desired reality is like then you're fine. this is just gonna over complicate shifting and make it seem more fictional in a way. if anything, this makes you less connected to your desired reality since your focusing so much on this one.
it wouldn't be a waste to download it but i wouldn't recommend buying it. but if you do, then more power to you.
please stay safe and happy shifting ᥫ᭡

So I wanted to share my journey with everyone and shine some light on a weird problem that is probably common but doesn't seem to be discussed much.
I am in the process of rewriting a large 15-year old PHP/jQuery/MySQL app in Nuxt. One of my goals is to support my largeish (60 tables) legacy MySQL database. I was really looking forward to leveraging Nuxt's API and directory magic to modernize my old app!
I had used mysql2 successfully in a Vue 3 project I built this past winter and wanted to use it in Nuxt. Turns out there wasn't a documented way to do so. So I set about figuring out a way to wire it up into Nitro myself. I documented my findings here but I wasn't really happy as my solution wasn't the "preferred" way to do things. Pooya says we should not be attaching things to the nitroApp instance.
Time passed and I started playing with Prisma as it has direct support for MySQL and Nuxt. I figured I needed to wade into learning Prisma anyway. It is pretty cool but seems unnecessary since I already know how to write good SQL. The code hints are nice I guess but I digress...
I managed to get Prisma to "npx prisma db pull" my database schema (even on an older MySQL 5.7 setup) and start querying data. That was quick and easy. I was impressed!
But I immediately ran into a problem with BigInt. It seems even though I had no columns defined as BigInts I was getting the error: "Do not know how to serialize a BigInt". Turns out the reason for this is that my Int() columns are unsigned (I wanted to double the potential number of max id's for my tables) and this causes Prisma to *think* the data is a BigInt even though the maximum number of records in any of my tables is less than 10,000. Strange behavior indeed.
On a side note, the npmjs mysql2 package has a way to specify that you want the package to return BigInts as a string since JSON is the one choking on them. I couldn't find a way to tell Prisma to do this.
What I have done to circumvent the issue for now is to force Prisma to return what it perceives as BigInts as a string value, which is fine for my purposes.
I added the following code to the top of the defineEventHandler() function call in my /serveapi/{endpoint} file:

 BigInt.prototype.toJSON = function () { const int = Number.parseInt(this.toString()); return int ?? this.toString(); }; 

Now I am able to call prisma functions as normal and return the results. Now I can set my auto-increment record id's to BigInts as much as I want. Happy me!
The drawback to this approach is that I will have to add this code to every endpoint I write in my app. I am sure I will discover a way to have Prisma execute this code during instantiation but I haven't found a way to do it yet.
So I just wanted to share my story for folks who may be beating the crap out of Google/DuckDuckGo looking for a solution to this issue.
Thanks and cheers!
​

Soo, there’s a lot for me to write here but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I wrote a previous post about finding out my bf has a porn addiction, I can attach a link to that for more background. Anyways, turns out there was a lot more to it. Over the course of 3-4 weeks since finding out about his PA, I’ve now learned he was; • Using, paying, and talking to girls on Onlyfans • Was looking and stalking them on Instagram daily • Has various subscriptions on multiple porn sites, he said he had 10, I’ve so far counted 29 • Was watching porn on twitter, Reddit, and Snapchat. When I asked him to delete any app/ account he was using for porn, he said he did, then told me after he “forgot” he had these accounts (even though he said he used them 2-3 times a week to watch porn) • Was still following his ex on instagram that he said he hadn’t spoken to, reached out to,and didn’t have her on any socials (she was his first love who cheated on him and broke up with him in 2019) then I found out he continued to message her and send her flowers for 3 years after the break up, with no response from her (mind you, this happened before we dated) •Was sexting onlyfans girls on Snapchat • he said he used escort services 5 times during covid because he was lonely and he never felt so horrible after. (Again, this was before we dated
Not only does his ex and the type of girls hes been going for look the same and are absolutely nothing like me. They have straight blonde hair, blue eyes, big asses, big titts, big fake lips, fake eyelashes, are curvy petite and are “russian” looking (if that makes sense) and I have curly brown hair, green eyes, small boobs, small butt, small lips, and am tall slim built. It honestly makes me feel like I’m not enough because i have zero qualities to what he finds “hot” or gets him off. He’s also explicitly told me how hot his first love was multiple times, and considers me pretty and cute but not as hot.
To top it off, last night I found out, he wasn’t just talking/ sexting to onlyfans girls on his snap chat, but also the escort girls he’s previously had sex with AND it wasn’t just 5 escorts he’s been with, but in fact he’s been with so many escorts, he doesn’t even know a number. I asked him on average how many and he said for 2 years it was atleast once a week (thats 104) and that the third year it was only once a month for half the year ( another 6) He justified that the escorts happened before we dated. (Regardless, it’s a bit fucked) I asked him if he used protection every time and he said yes, I asked if he had been tested for any stds, and he said anytime he donates blood he hasn’t had a problem…..
He’s NEVER had a full examination for this and I only just find this out. We’ve been dating for over a year and live together.
When I found out about the PA, he said he would never lie to me again, would tell me everything right away, would delete anything to do with porn, would give me all of his passwords (all of this hasnt happened yet)
He has however started therapy for PA, told his family and has a porn blocker app that he uses.
Genuinely don’t know what to do since this seems so much more than watching porn. He’s a compulsive liar, a porn addict, and it seems a sex addict? Even though, I have a higher sex drive, but he hardly ever wants to have sex with me.
What do I do?

How much Thai do I need to learn before taking a trip? Also, I want to be safe and I am very skeptical since I am also going by myself. I want to know the best places to visit where I won't have to worry about getting jumped or anything (I've seen horror stories online) and also I wanted to plan to go to spots that are a must see for a first timer. Thanks.

Hi guys, so I'm posting this as I'm recently unemployed - I finished a couple of months working for an office that was willing to take in someone new and I feel like I've learned so much. They stopped my employment until I finish my masters degree so that they can re-employ me with some legal subsidies. However, I feel very down because while I study and finish exams, I am financially in a huge problem. The office didn't really pay me much (300e per month) but it was enough to at least survive when I also freelanced alongside the job (the freelance jobs pop up rarely and I can't live off them with my current skill). I know I don't know enough and working full-time 12+ hours every day and weekends pretty much showed me the reality of this job and how much there is to learn. There is no better way to improve than in an office environment and no course or studies come close. I really have no idea what to do now because I really want to focus on finishing uni but I feel like it's impossible because I literally have no income whatsoever. I don't think I'm stupid or incapable, I just want to improve my skills and to somehow land a better position where I can actually live and not worry about basic needs every single day. Does anyone have any tips? I've done a shit ton of courses and a lot of work outside of university (mostly 3D, some design for plans, construction, workshop projects) but nothing too detailed, I'm not good enough yet). I feel a bit stuck and I'm not sure what others in my shoes are doing to better themselves.
It's also important to address my location, I live in a small city in the Balkans where the economy is even more dire than in Western europe so there's that. Thanks for any input!
Also, I've sent my CV to EVERY SINGLE office in my area and was told that without a degree and the subsidies from the government, it doesn't pay off for them to employ me. These guys were the only ones willing to do so for a couple of months.

I’m still planning on making the best of the next 10 days here, but I feel sad that THIS is how I’m getting to experience Turkey. Logically I know Turkey or Italy (last summer’s drama) or XYZ are not disappearing! It’s not like you can only visit once and then border control says, “Sorry! You used up your 1 permitted lifetime visit to Istanbul on a trip with your narc parents!”
I know I can and will visit all these places again (& multiple times!) that narc family trips had ruined, as soon as I have the $ means and genuine people in my life who I want to travel with. So my future husband, genuine great friends etc. Just sharing and making memories with people I love and who love me back truly.
AND YES I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON. I AM DETERMINED TO MOVE OUT PERMANENTLY ASAP AND I WILL NEVER SAY YES TO A TRIP WITH THEM AGAIN.
But I guess I would love some reassurance right now. Hard to not feel like I “tainted” my experience of these places by visiting with narcs.
Background: Just landed in Turkey on a trip with toxic parents (this is obviously not my ideal travel partners but I didn’t want to turn down a “free” trip to here because due to being unemployed & back living in a small town, I haven’t had recent opportunities to be out and about. I am determined to change this situation very soon though!)
Well I just spent the first half day in the hotel room crying and sleep-deprived after an awful fight being ganged up on by my narc dad and enabler mother. When I told my mom I felt really hurt and would spend the day exploring alone tomorrow (we are doing some tours after), she very falsely accused me of “wanting to be alone so I can meet Muslim guys like the Turkish shows I watch”. This is obviously a lie and doesn’t even make sense but she said it to make me feel shame and guilty for suggesting it.
Especially because I was so happy to have learned some Turkish over the pandemic by accident after their shows were trending on American social media. I’m being shamed for a harmless hobby because my mom wanted to “one up me” and win a fight!
Anyways, after this bad 1/2 day and an awful string of family trips (dreamt of Italy for ages- we finally went & it was extremely mentally draining), I’ve decided it’s time to not only move out, but also never give in to pressure to go on another “vacation” with them.

I am an upper sophomore computer science major with no coding experience. Is it possible to learn how to code, perhaps focusing on Python, JavaScript, HTML, and CSS, and build personal projects during the summer? My goal is to apply for software development internships (or maybe start off with front-end development) during my junior year of college, but I'm unsure if this is a realistic plan.