I have a neighbor let’s call her M. She has a dog and that’s how I met her because there’s about several people to get together and have the dogs play in our common area where I live. The last few months she’s gotten to become someone that I end up seeing all the time and talking to. Mainly because when I walk my dog, she’s always walking her dogs, and she retired so we chitchat and now sometimes we share food. She’s very generous and shares dog treats with me and in a pinch. If I needed help and emergency, she probably help me. Here’s where to me it’s going left.
I’ve noticed that she is the most gossipy nosy person in this community. She knows people by their unit number lol and then proceeds to tell me all the gossip on the marriages , on who died, who got surgery who’s animal got surgery who is moving out etc. and would’ve noticed this is not a once in a while thing it’s every time I talk to her she’s talking about somebody in our community and it’s making me want to keep my distance.
The other thing is sometimes she’s extremely rude and the way she talks. I think it’s her personality. I think she has ADHD may be a little something else but it’s like she has two personalities. And I’ve let it go a few times but I’ve worked on boundaries my whole life because I didn’t have any before and I’m putting them up now. Tonight I ended up getting rude back and walked away.
The last thing is she text me every day . If she hears me ask another neighbor something she’ll go home look it up and text me the answer with pictures. If I say anything, she’ll send me pictures or a link to where I can get what I’m looking for or solve the problem that I have. I started to not reply back and then when she sees me outside she’s like did you get my text did you get my text?
I’ve not really hung out with her that much. I invited her over for lunch outside on my patio and then she took me to lunch last week but I’m just realizing I don’t have anything in common with her and we are completely two different people. I’m actually 13 years younger and she’s old for her age actually.
So I’m torn between texting her and just telling her that I have nothing against her and I appreciate the neighborly efforts and so if she ever needs anything on an emergency to go ahead and text me or call me but other than that I just appreciate if she kept her text to me a minimum or I’m not sure what to say
Part of me wants to just tell her she’s rude and I don’t like the way she talks to me but then again, so people can’t take criticism. I don’t even want to go that deep. I just want to disassociate myself.
What should I do?
One last thing I did block her I guess I forgot and so today she asked me if I saw her text about a bike that she saw for sale and I told her I didn’t get it so we got an argument lol oh well I don’t even want this energy around me

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a walk which was very cute but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a date (at least I thought it was a date) but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

Btw, we're already 35 years old. This means that high school is 19 years ago (almost 2 decades).
This started out cute that she would ask us about our colleges, courses we got into, and how college is treating us. It was so simple but so wholesome. Until both my fiancé and I entered post-grad. She wants to know every moment, celebration, and would even insinuate to be invited. She really messages us about pur whereabouts and so I confronted my fiancé if he feels okay about it. He told me that he is as creeped out as I am.
Now, fast forward to last year. My fiancé and I are not really the kind who would share a lot of stuff (or stuff at all) on social media. But the two of us are just on cloud nine not to post a story of our engagement.
This same teacher kept barraging us with messages as to where the wedding is, what time, what to wear, and all other things suggesting that she will go—she is not invited for obvious reasons. My fiancé and I decided to delete her on Facebook, and block her. It was too creepy! Nakakatakot na siya.
She wasn't pur adviser. She was only our TLE teacher and dealt with her for one term only. Grabe! 🌚

Students segregate themselves. Am I the only one who noticed that? Am I segregating myself from others?
Especially in the US, I noticed that a lot (not saying all!) Black, White, Asian, students tend to stay with the same race / nationality. I’ve rarely seen mixed friend groups. I feel very lonely in college.
As an immigrant who lived in 5 different countries, I don’t label myself…yeah I might have my Eastern European mindset/manners/ because I was born there speaking Russian (native speaker) and was raised by USSR parents, but I’m still far away from being a “stereotypical Eastern European” lol I don’t know if you get it!
M22. I Don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t go clubbing. Already cuts me off from a lot of college students!
I’ve NEVER had the chance to become friends with White Americans…I don’t know how…you guys (White Americans) have your own social circle and your rich parents paying your college tuition won’t let any outsiders in to your family…it’s the truth. Don’t pretend that foreigners with completely different lifestyle, culture, food, etc. will truly get along with Americans. Which is a pity. Your parents seemed to have accomplished the American dream while we only just got here haha. Every time that I talk to Americans…i feel like I’m being mocked. Military / retired veteran parents made fun of my dad working 2+ jobs, how we never use AC in summer, how we never go out to eat, how we don’t consume all the same media…I don’t know…
I knew many Asians (Vietnamese girls)…I guess the language barrier ruined everything because they seemed like the only motivated, funny, and caring friends. I even invited a girl for a date (at least I thought it was a date) but she is moving to another state and she was interested in another guy. I’m still genuinely interested in their culture, family and country but…god knows what they are going through with their parents forcing them to study in the US.
My Russian speaking acquaintances don’t hang out with me. They go clubbing, drinking, doing other stupid things… they actually used me for their English homework and I was helping them because I was desperate to make friends (I know it’s dumb lol). I took them out to eat on campus for my OWN money and I even invited them to my house…they never invited me anywhere. Never.
It’s still a weird and hard topic for me…

I’m (19 F) going to this retirement party for my old teacher and am going to see some of my old friends there that I haven’t seen in several years. I’m really nervous when it comes to meeting old friends due to the fear of being seen differently (after changing over the years). Any advice on how I can calm my nerves and act like a normal person when I reunite with them? I’m honestly debating on taking a xanax before arriving at the party so I won’t get a panic attack after talking to someone because it has happened before when I reunited with my childhood friend…

I never told you this, but I have never had a particularly good relationship with my own mother—certainly not for a lack of trying. We are just different people, with different wants and needs, I suppose. I don't resent her for her inability to resemble something loving, warm, safe, maternal. She bites when she means to hug and pushes away what she means to pull. I have had almost three decades of life to come to terms with the fact that her love is extremely flawed and jagged, a reflection of her own pain and unhealed wounds.
So each of you, in your own ways, be it bringing me gifts, making Sunday crepes for me (you even sifted the flour, and vehemently refused to let me do the dishes), or inviting me to family gatherings (where I was always made to feel like a true member of the family), filled the void that my own mother left in my heart. Your kindness, your warm hugs and smiles, your genuine care—these were the things I had craved and longed for my entire life since my childhood. Through you, I experienced the most nurturing and pure love that I had only been able to dream of.
I have learned that love and acceptance can be withdrawn seemingly as easily as they were given.
Of course, I don't blame you for that. Things happen. Not every love story is a "happy ever after" and I understand that most mothers will just about always "choose" their sons. But I would be a liar if I said it did not hurt me to think of at times. Naturally, it hurts to lose someone you once saw a future with. Strangely enough, though, through the passage of time, I have mourned my connections with all of you the most.
J, I hope your retirement is as amazing as you wanted it to be and that you’ve found continued joy in your gardening hobby. I loved trying your little tomatoes with you. I can only imagine how gorgeous your garden must be now.
H, I hope you’re still making your incredible food. Your lovingly-made food was always the highlight of your visits, and I think of you every time I've had crepes since. I miss "reading" each other our fortunes at the bottom of the coffee cups.
K, I hope you finally got to open that hair salon you always wanted. He took back the purse you gave me for my birthday a few months before we broke up, but I bought the same one as a gift to myself when I got a raise because I loved it so much. You really had an eye for giving gifts that matched everyone's personal style perfectly.
You all showed me the beauty of maternal love, even if it was borrowed and temporary, even if it was never really meant for me. That feeling is something I will carry with me always. I treat myself a little bit kinder because of you.
Thank you for that a thousand times over. I miss you.

My mother is weird how she says some things to me like what she says is normal. She told me that when my younger brother was a baby she would intentionally make him cry, she wanted him to want her and need her, and then she would ignore him for a while before comforting him. If I told her that it's f'up and not normal, she would switch on to victim mood and act like I'm attacking her, so I didn't comment on what she said and just nodded. She's crazy. I actually have no idea why she keeps confessing about stuff like this. Recently she told me that she misses the attention she used to get as a teacher ( her students glorified her ). Once she retired, she got so much worse with how she treats us and keeps complaining how we don't give her attention. It's actually been a while since she's had an episode, I'm scared of how kinda peaceful she's been.

When we were younger, and I would sleep over at your house, we would talk about our future plans and goals, never failing to include each other. We swore we'd become successful so we could travel to so many places together and explore the world. As we grew older, and rant sessions about annoying teachers turned to boy talk, and eventually, about anxiety about starting our careers, I genuinely felt proud of you and grateful that I was able to grow up alongside someone like you. Then, you moved away. For the first few years, I tried my best to regularly check up on you, because I genuinely cared. You seldom did, you were never really that type, and I understood that, I accepted that for a bit. However, as time passed, I found myself thinking about whether or not you actually cared what I was doing. I was becoming more and more uncertain about the level of trust in our friendship. On the rare occasion that you would go home, I would give you updates on my life, especially on achievements and things I was happy about. I remember there was one time I told you that I finally reached something I have been wishing for since even before we became best friends. I know you, I know the difference when you're genuinely happy for someone and when you crack a smile for courtesy. It was the latter. Then, a series of events led me to realize that our friendship is no longer part of your priorities. I admit, childishly, I was offended when you didn't invite me to go with you to a plan that, for months, I have been suggesting we make. I was also offended when I expressed to you that I had been struggling with my mental health, it takes me a lot of strength to open up about my struggles, you know that, and all you did was ignore me for a week until I finally asked you if you wanted to have dinner. You apologized and said you should've reached out more, that you should do better as a friend. I don't see it. I still don't see it. And I don't think it was your fault, I don't want to blame anyone here.
I know I haven't been the best friend, and I think that's reason enough that I so badly want to end this friendship. I don't see myself making an effort to be your friend anymore. You're no longer what I'm looking for in a friend. We're simply not compatible anymore, we have different lives, different goals, different preferences. I think it's best I focus on my self-growth and to be frank, this friendship hinders it. I know there are many amazing people in your life who will treat you so much better, and I don't think I would cause that big a hole in your heart when I leave. God knows that the space for me was shrinking anyway. I used to resent you, but now I just feel more and more indifferent towards you. I feel guilty that I no longer care much about how you're doing, or to even save this so called "best friendship." I'm just tired, and I need rest.

Recently, my school organized a special lecture on the history of the Orient.This lecture was called "The Miracle of the Han River," and it was given by a professor from outside Korea.I was very curious about Korea, so I was looking forward to this lecture. In fact, the reason why this lecture was held was at the request of the students. Since Korean culture has been penetrating into American society for a long time, and many things that we enjoy without thinking are related to Korea, students were curious about what Korea is like.
Then Patrick, the student leader and president of our school, asked the teachers if they could organize a special lecture on Korean history, and they accepted, and eventually the whole class gathered in the auditorium and participated in the lecture. Often, our school invites outside professors to give lectures like this, and most of the time, the interest in such lectures is very high, and the lecture on Korean history was also extremely popular. However, the lectures that invite professors from prestigious universities and the opportunity to gain new knowledge about Korea are popular enough to fill the gymnasium.On this day, there were many students in the gymnasium converted into a lecture hall.As the professor entered, gave a brief introduction, and announced the topic of the day's lecture, everyone looked at him with interest. The professor said that he was asked to give a lecture on the history of the East, and when he was thinking about what topic to tell the students, he thought it would be better to talk about the modern history and economic development of Korea, and for two hours without a break, he explained in depth, in detail, easily understandable, and really interesting.
The professor's first words were impactful: "You all know Haiti, the country that receives U.S. aid, suffered a major earthquake about 15 years ago and has never recovered from it, and is in a state of chaos as one of the poorest countries in the world." "But how would you feel if, 30 years later, you were told to congratulate Haiti on becoming an economic powerhouse?" "I'm the generation that actually witnessed it. "I'm the generation that actually saw that happen, where we were the poorest country in the world, and all of a sudden, we were told that we were an economic powerhouse and that we should be congratulated."The students were surprised to learn that South Korea was once the poorest country in the world, even though it was still a decade after the end of World War II.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Korea was a very poor country until the middle of the 20th century, but since the 1960s, it has experienced rapid economic growth and made remarkable progress, which has been called the 'Miracle on the Han River', and today I am going to tell you the story."
From the beginning of the lecture, the students listened attentively as the professor engaged their interest, and I was particularly curious about how South Korea was able to develop so quickly.
"Korea was devastated after the Korean War in the 1950s, but in the 1960s, a government-led economic development plan began.At that time, Korea made a five-year plan for economic development under the leadership of the government, and fostered industries centered on heavy chemical industries such as steel, chemicals, and electronics.In addition, the country invested heavily in education, and many talented people were produced based on high educational enthusiasm."
The professor's explanation was very detailed and interesting, and I was in awe as he talked about Korea's economic development.
"In particular, in the 1970s, the Saemaul movement was launched to promote the development of rural areas and improve the living standards of the people."At that time, residents in rural areas voluntarily maintained their villages and strived for the development of their communities."These efforts helped Korea to rapidly transform from an agriculture-oriented society to an industry-oriented society.""And this Saemaul movement has become an example for many developing countries to this day, and countless policies have been implemented to copy Korea's Saemaul movement. "It is now accepted wisdom that Korea's Saemaul movement was a seemingly simple campaign that contributed tremendously to building the country's economic foundation, with reports of rapid development in some cases and failure in others." "Korea has written a textbook curriculum on how to grow an economy, and its achievements have become a model."
I realized how much effort Korea, which was poor in the past, made to grow its economy.It was a huge lecture of 2 hours, so I can only write down the core flow, so please understand.The process of Korea laying the economic foundation and starting the high-speed growth was really interesting, and there were many points where I learned how much effort Korean policy researchers made at that time.And the efforts of Korean people who believed in the government and followed the policy, even sacrificing themselves, were also great.
"Today, Korea is an IT powerhouse, with world-class companies such as Samsung, LG, and Hyundai Motor, which have great influence in the global market and are an important pillar of Korea's economy." "The characteristic of Korean companies is that they have always strived to develop technology. "There are five technological powers in the world," he said, "the United States, Germany, Japan, Korea, and France." "The United States and Germany have been doing research and development since the Industrial Revolution, while France has been doing research and development since the Industrial Revolution, and Japan received a huge amount of aid from the United States in 1950, taking advantage of the Korean War. It was thought that Japan, which started 20 years earlier than Korea, would be recognized as the last technological power of the 20th century, but how Korea, which started research and development from the 1970s onwards, became the world's fifth technological power, was a very interesting topic among professors in the 1990s.
And unlike Japan, Korea became a semiconductor powerhouse in the 21st century, and even succeeded in fostering an industry that Japan did not, and created a great foundation for Korea to become a developed country.Look at the iPhone you're using right now, and look at it.Do you see a Samsung product in there?
Most Americans think that the iPhone is made by Apple and developed by Apple, but many of the components in it come from Korea, and without Korea, the product you're using would be half as powerful as it is today.
The professor kept the students' attention for the entire two-hour lecture, explaining the difficult content in terms of the smartphones they use.
At the end of the lecture, the professor said that there are only two role models of economic development in the 20th century, Germany's development and Korea's development are very meaningful, and if you want to major in economics or international affairs, you should familiarize yourself with these contents because they are all liberal arts contents.
And originally, this kind of lecture should be 200 hours instead of 2 hours, but since it was shortened to a hundred and one, the fun is only a hundred and one, and if you want to hear more details, you should study hard and go to the prestigious university where you are, and the excellent lecture ended with the story.
After the lecture, I wanted to ask the professor more questions, but there were already a lot of students gathered around him.Then, my friend Xiao approached me.Xiao was a student who was educated in China until elementary school and then moved to the United States."Avery, how did you like the lecture?" Xiao asked me. I really liked the lecture and I have a lot of questions, so I wanted to ask the professor, but I could already hear the other students lamenting that they wouldn't be able to because the professor was surrounded by other students.I had to leave the lecture hall with Xiao, who was listening to the lecture with interest next to me.As we walked down the hall, I continued to talk to Xiao.Minhwa and Jia told me that they didn't know why they hated Korea so much, and they had to tell me a frustrating story.
In fact, Minhwa and Jia are two students who are very anti-Korean, especially since the student council voted for and against this lecture, and there were two votes against it, so everyone could tell that it was Minhwa and Jia from China, and their anti-Korean feelings, or even hatred, were very strong.
Xiao told me that today's lecture was very different from what they teach in China, and what the professor told us today. Of course, in China, they teach distorted facts, and they don't believe in it, but if you're like Min Hua or Jia, who went to school in China until middle school, it's natural to have a negative opinion of Korea.
Xiao's words were sincere because he had lived in China until elementary school and had been educated in China, so he knew the reality of China very well.In China, Korea is often taught negatively, and Xiao also said that when he went to elementary school in China, he was taught that way, but when he came to the United States and was exposed to different perspectives, he realized that it was wrong.
At that moment, Minhwa and Jia walked up to us, or maybe I should say they walked up to Xiao.Minhwa had a disgruntled look on her face."Korea is so great? I never think so, Korea is worse than our China," Minhwa said unhappily.Jia, who had an equally unhappy look on her face, also spoke up."Right. What's so great about Korea, our China is better."
I was offended by their words, because the facts I learned about Korea all seemed interesting and amazing, so why didn't they think so? And when they said that China was better, they didn't have any basis, they just said that China was better, what's so great about Korea, and there was no power in their argument.Xiao was also not happy when his two Chinese friends asked him to sympathize with them.
Xiao usually doesn't like to argue with them, but this time he was in the mood for a fight.I intervened first."Korea has made great progress, and you'll see that when you do a little more research," I said calmly to Minhwa and Jia.But Minhwa and Jia didn't listen to me.They wouldn't even look at me when I was talking to them.That's when Xiao stepped in and said.
"I'm sorry Avery, Minhua and Jia have been mis-educated, so I'll apologize for them.I know why they think that way, but I know the truth is different, so I want to apologize to you."
After hearing Xiao's words, Minhua and Jia still showed their disapproval. They even loudly argued with Xiao in the hallway. All the students passing by couldn't help but notice that two Chinese friends with wrong ideas were bullying Xiao, a normal thinking Chinese friend, again.
In fact, this scene was not uncommon, but this day was different. Despite the fact that everyone had attended an impactful and fact-based lecture by a professor from a prestigious university, Min Hua and Jia seemed to have no room for improvement, and they were still shouting distorted facts and misinformation without any basis.
From that day on, they were increasingly bullied by their schoolmates. Even when Minhua and Jia tried to talk to their American friends, all their American friends would scold them, saying, "Are you going to distort American history like that?" and no one would listen to them.
At first, Minhua and Jia's attitude was nonetheless brazen and confident, but two Chinese students armed with wrong ideas can't live in isolation in this school. Our school has group work as the basic form of class participation, so there are many tasks that require the help of other students.
Eventually, Minhua and Jia came to me, Xiao, and our Korean friend Minji and apologized to us.To be honest, to this day, I don't know if their apology was sincere.They said that they had learned that much of the education they had received was false, and they promised that they would never say anything wrong again in the future.Part of me wanted to tell them that I knew they were lying to survive, but I couldn't turn my back on them, so I accepted their apology.After Minhua and Jia's disturbance and apology
Although I'm still a high school student, I know that when I grow up, I want to exercise my right to vote and join the anti-China movement. We also realized that China's policy of teaching the wrong history and the wrong international affairs is having a negative impact even here in the United States, a country so far away, and that it is causing the Chinese people to suffer.China's ambitious plan to turn the tables by playing shallow games is just ridiculous and will not work.
I can't help but think that the impact of these lectures on our school is great: first of all, we learned how important it is to filter out misleading and distorted information, and how important it is to listen to such information; secondly, many students have a deep understanding of what exactly the "Miracle of the Han River" is.
As a reminder, South Korea was very poor until the mid-20th century, but through government-led economic development plans and people's efforts, it has achieved remarkable growth, especially spontaneous rural development movements such as the Saemaul movement, which played a huge role in accelerating South Korea's industrialization.
Korea's development has been not just economic, but social as well, with Koreans overcoming difficulties and achieving remarkable results through their high levels of education, hard work, and sense of community.
Now, do you feel that there is any reason for Chinese people here to say that China is greater than Korea? Isn't it just that Korea has created a remarkable growth in the history of East Asia, and it is because of Korea's development that China's factories are able to operate? Just because China is lagging behind, to say that Korea is a lesser country is an expression of inferiority, and it is seen as a desperate attempt to deny their own lack.
This is a good liberal arts course where you can learn the facts about what Korea has done and speak about it with confidence in public, but I think the disturbance by the two Chinese students clouded the essence of the course, because the impact of the miracle of the Han River was diluted by the emotion of outrage at the Chinese students' behavior.
In my final presentation at the end of the semester, I plan to find more information about the Han River Miracle, add new information, and present it to my class, because I feel that it is unfair that the attention to Korea has been diverted for a while, and I think that it would be meaningful to talk about Korea in front of Minhwa, Jia, and my Korean friend Minji.
I hope that the country will soon develop into a mature society that can accept the truth as the truth.

Live Music

• ZaZa Flamenca, Casa Monica Resort & Spa, 11:00 am -- 3:00 pm
• Lis Williamson, Fish House & Oyster Co., 11:00 am -- 2:00 pm
• Gabe Valla, Fish House & Oyster Co., 11:00 am -- 2:00 pm
• David Watt Besley, Aunt Kate's, 1:00 pm -- 4:00 pm
• Vinny Jacobs, The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant, 1:00 pm -- 4:00 pm
• Joe Targove, Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's, 1:00 pm -- 5:00 pm
• Space Heaters, Pierre's Pub, 1:00 pm -- 5:00 pm
• Seedfromatree, Jimmy Hula's, 2:00 pm -- 6:00 pm
• Ian Opalinski, Ann O'Malley's Deli and Pub, 3:00 pm -- 6:00 am
• Dewey Via Band, Dog Rose Brewing Co., 3:30 pm -- 6:30 pm
• Crawford Boyd's Acoustic Anomaly, Tradewinds Lounge, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• Jesse Cruce, Mellow Mushroom --- Murabella, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• Brian Rowland, Crabby's Beachside, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• $5 Jack and The Dry Tortugas, Borrillo's Pizzeria & Beer Garden, 5:30 pm -- 8:30 pm
• Damon Slaughter, O.C. White's Seafood, 5:30 pm -- 8:30 pm
• Alanis Sophia, Pierre's Pub, 6:00 pm -- 10:00 pm
• Spade McQuade, Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House, 6:00 pm -- 10:00 pm

Game On! St. Augustine Beach Triathlon

• Game On! St Augustine Beach Triathlon will take place at Vilano Beach on Sunday, May 19, 2024, and the times vary.
• The Olympic Triathlon Relay, Olympic Triathlon, and Olympic Aquabike begin at 6:45 a.m. The Olympic Duathlon, Olympic Duathlon Relay, and Sprint Duathlon begin at 7:05 a.m. The Sprint Triathlon and Triathlon Relay begin at 7:20 a.m.
• This destination race will include an Olympic distance triathlon, duathlon, and aquabike, as well as the Sprint Triathlon and Sprint Duathlon.
• The swim will take place in the Atlantic Ocean, with a scenic bike course taking participants north on A1A through the Guana Tolomato Matanzas National Estuarine Research Reserve (GTMNERR).
• Triathletes finish with a run through the tropical "Keys-like" neighborhood and along the Vilano Beach Nature Boardwalk with amazing views of the wetlands and local wildlife.
• Registration: The Game On! St. Augustine Triathlon offers various events with prices as follows: the Olympic Triathlon, Duathlon, and Aquabike are priced at $149.00 each, with prices set to increase after April 17, 2024. The Olympic Triathlon Relay is $269.00, while the Sprint Triathlon and Duathlon cost $119.00 each. There's also a Sprint Triathlon Relay priced at $209.00.
• When: Sunday, May 19, 2024. The Olympic Triathlon Relay, Olympic Triathlon, and Olympic Aquabike begin at 6:45 a.m. The Olympic Duathlon, Olympic Duathlon Relay, and Sprint Duathlon begin at 7:05 a.m. The Sprint Triathlon and Triathlon Relay begin at 7:20 a.m.
• Where: Vilano Beach Oceanfront Park is located at 2750 Anahma Drive in Vilano Beach, Florida 32084.

Romanza Festivale Finale: Bold City Brass

• The Romanza Festival 2024 finale will be an outdoor concert in the Plaza de la Constitución, performed by the Bold City Brass band, on Tuesday, May 19, 2024, from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.
• From Jacksonville, the Bold City Brass Band has performed in Northeast Florida and beyond since 1980. The musicians are retired professional musicians, music teachers, and other accomplished players. They enjoy making good music together and often perform at celebrations, official functions, and special concerts.
• While the band is modeled on the traditional brass ensembles, all members currently perform on contemporary instruments: French horns, trumpets, trombones, and upright tubas.
• The band performs under the direction of Dr. Eric A. Becher who has expanded the band's repertoire to include music from several periods and genres. They can still belt out the more traditional marches and do so to the delight of their audiences.
• Admission: Free.
• When: Tuesday, May 19, from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.
• Where: The Gazebo at the Plaza de la Constitución, 170 St. George Street, St. Augustine, Florida 32084
• This event is part of the Romanza Festivale of Music and the Arts, an annual festival of two weeks of historical, cultural, and creative events celebrating all things St. Augustine. From May 3 -19, the nation's oldest city will be jam-packed with music and dance concerts, living history events and historical tours, live theater, and art exhibits.

St. Augustine Music Festival Juneteenth Concert

• "New Orleans meets Harlem" featuring the Marcus Roberts Trio will perform on June 19 in Lewis Auditorium at Flagler College, 14 Granada St., downtown St. Augustine, Florida. The Festival Chamber Orchestra will join the Marcus Roberts Trio during the second half of the program to perform Rhapsody in Blue on the 100th anniversary of George Gershwin's famous composition.
• The Juneteenth concert will be a ticketed event and more information will be provided at a later date. 2024 is the 60th anniversary of the signing of the Civil Rights Act on July 2, 1964. This concert will be one of many events in St. Augustine during the year highlighting this historic legislation and highlighting the extensive history of Civil Rights in St. Augustine.

Yoga on the Lawn at Ximenez-Fatio House Museum

• 8 Am - 9 Am
• Enjoy yoga on the lawn at the historic Ximenez-Fatio House Museum. This one-hour vinyasa flow is perfect for all levels.
• Bring a beach towel or mat and water. Free parking behind the museum is available, but limited. Access the parking lot from Cadiz Street. Instructor will contact you by phone if class is canceled due to weather. Practice gets underway at 8 a.m. and lasts approximately one hour.
• Cost is $15 and registration is required.
• 20 Aviles St., St. Augustine.

Paella Sunday at Pesca by Michael's

• 3 Pm - 5 Pm
• Enjoy Paella Sunday on the Porch of Pesca by Michael's on Vilano Beach from 3-5 p.m. Tickets are $35 and feature Paella changes weekly, A favorite is is Garden Paella with Chicken Skewers and Shrimp with chorizo on the side (to accommodate all dietary restrictions).
• Salad, Bread, and one complimentary glass of Sangria or Wine are included. Purchase Tickets online or at the door.
• Pesca is located at Hyatt Place, 117 Vilano Rd., St. Augustine.

I am unable to post the sources because they are getting flagged as spam since they are all similar in name. So please visit this site for the list.
Written out urls here tinyurl.com/yjkw32kd

For future events please visit the Discord.

https://discord.gg/NG4eZSWAgR

Live Music

• ZaZa Flamenca, Casa Monica Resort & Spa, 11:00 am -- 3:00 pm
• Lis Williamson, Fish House & Oyster Co., 11:00 am -- 2:00 pm
• Gabe Valla, Fish House & Oyster Co., 11:00 am -- 2:00 pm
• David Watt Besley, Aunt Kate's, 1:00 pm -- 4:00 pm
• Vinny Jacobs, The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant, 1:00 pm -- 4:00 pm
• Joe Targove, Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's, 1:00 pm -- 5:00 pm
• Space Heaters, Pierre's Pub, 1:00 pm -- 5:00 pm
• Seedfromatree, Jimmy Hula's, 2:00 pm -- 6:00 pm
• Ian Opalinski, Ann O'Malley's Deli and Pub, 3:00 pm -- 6:00 am
• Dewey Via Band, Dog Rose Brewing Co., 3:30 pm -- 6:30 pm
• Crawford Boyd's Acoustic Anomaly, Tradewinds Lounge, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• Jesse Cruce, Mellow Mushroom --- Murabella, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• Brian Rowland, Crabby's Beachside, 5:00 pm -- 8:00 pm
• $5 Jack and The Dry Tortugas, Borrillo's Pizzeria & Beer Garden, 5:30 pm -- 8:30 pm
• Damon Slaughter, O.C. White's Seafood, 5:30 pm -- 8:30 pm
• Alanis Sophia, Pierre's Pub, 6:00 pm -- 10:00 pm
• Spade McQuade, Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House, 6:00 pm -- 10:00 pm

Game On! St. Augustine Beach Triathlon

• Game On! St Augustine Beach Triathlon will take place at Vilano Beach on Sunday, May 19, 2024, and the times vary.
• The Olympic Triathlon Relay, Olympic Triathlon, and Olympic Aquabike begin at 6:45 a.m. The Olympic Duathlon, Olympic Duathlon Relay, and Sprint Duathlon begin at 7:05 a.m. The Sprint Triathlon and Triathlon Relay begin at 7:20 a.m.
• This destination race will include an Olympic distance triathlon, duathlon, and aquabike, as well as the Sprint Triathlon and Sprint Duathlon.
• The swim will take place in the Atlantic Ocean, with a scenic bike course taking participants north on A1A through the Guana Tolomato Matanzas National Estuarine Research Reserve (GTMNERR).
• Triathletes finish with a run through the tropical "Keys-like" neighborhood and along the Vilano Beach Nature Boardwalk with amazing views of the wetlands and local wildlife.
• Registration: The Game On! St. Augustine Triathlon offers various events with prices as follows: the Olympic Triathlon, Duathlon, and Aquabike are priced at $149.00 each, with prices set to increase after April 17, 2024. The Olympic Triathlon Relay is $269.00, while the Sprint Triathlon and Duathlon cost $119.00 each. There's also a Sprint Triathlon Relay priced at $209.00.
• When: Sunday, May 19, 2024. The Olympic Triathlon Relay, Olympic Triathlon, and Olympic Aquabike begin at 6:45 a.m. The Olympic Duathlon, Olympic Duathlon Relay, and Sprint Duathlon begin at 7:05 a.m. The Sprint Triathlon and Triathlon Relay begin at 7:20 a.m.
• Where: Vilano Beach Oceanfront Park is located at 2750 Anahma Drive in Vilano Beach, Florida 32084.

Romanza Festivale Finale: Bold City Brass

• The Romanza Festival 2024 finale will be an outdoor concert in the Plaza de la Constitución, performed by the Bold City Brass band, on Tuesday, May 19, 2024, from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.
• From Jacksonville, the Bold City Brass Band has performed in Northeast Florida and beyond since 1980. The musicians are retired professional musicians, music teachers, and other accomplished players. They enjoy making good music together and often perform at celebrations, official functions, and special concerts.
• While the band is modeled on the traditional brass ensembles, all members currently perform on contemporary instruments: French horns, trumpets, trombones, and upright tubas.
• The band performs under the direction of Dr. Eric A. Becher who has expanded the band's repertoire to include music from several periods and genres. They can still belt out the more traditional marches and do so to the delight of their audiences.
• Admission: Free.
• When: Tuesday, May 19, from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.
• Where: The Gazebo at the Plaza de la Constitución, 170 St. George Street, St. Augustine, Florida 32084
• This event is part of the Romanza Festivale of Music and the Arts, an annual festival of two weeks of historical, cultural, and creative events celebrating all things St. Augustine. From May 3 -19, the nation's oldest city will be jam-packed with music and dance concerts, living history events and historical tours, live theater, and art exhibits.

St. Augustine Music Festival Juneteenth Concert

• "New Orleans meets Harlem" featuring the Marcus Roberts Trio will perform on June 19 in Lewis Auditorium at Flagler College, 14 Granada St., downtown St. Augustine, Florida. The Festival Chamber Orchestra will join the Marcus Roberts Trio during the second half of the program to perform Rhapsody in Blue on the 100th anniversary of George Gershwin's famous composition.
• The Juneteenth concert will be a ticketed event and more information will be provided at a later date. 2024 is the 60th anniversary of the signing of the Civil Rights Act on July 2, 1964. This concert will be one of many events in St. Augustine during the year highlighting this historic legislation and highlighting the extensive history of Civil Rights in St. Augustine.

Yoga on the Lawn at Ximenez-Fatio House Museum

• 8 Am - 9 Am
• Enjoy yoga on the lawn at the historic Ximenez-Fatio House Museum. This one-hour vinyasa flow is perfect for all levels.
• Bring a beach towel or mat and water. Free parking behind the museum is available, but limited. Access the parking lot from Cadiz Street. Instructor will contact you by phone if class is canceled due to weather. Practice gets underway at 8 a.m. and lasts approximately one hour.
• Cost is $15 and registration is required.
• 20 Aviles St., St. Augustine.

Paella Sunday at Pesca by Michael's

• 3 Pm - 5 Pm
• Enjoy Paella Sunday on the Porch of Pesca by Michael's on Vilano Beach from 3-5 p.m. Tickets are $35 and feature Paella changes weekly, A favorite is is Garden Paella with Chicken Skewers and Shrimp with chorizo on the side (to accommodate all dietary restrictions).
• Salad, Bread, and one complimentary glass of Sangria or Wine are included. Purchase Tickets online or at the door.
• Pesca is located at Hyatt Place, 117 Vilano Rd., St. Augustine.

I am unable to post the sources because they are getting flagged as spam since they are all similar in name. So please visit this site for the list.
Written out urls here tinyurl.com/yjkw32kd

For future events please visit the Discord.

https://discord.gg/NG4eZSWAgR

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

Wife is a career teacher. As she is getting to the end of that career, I am looking for business ideas that would be beneficial to teachers now and that we could continue when she retires.
I would appreciate if the larger group could chime in with ideas.
Best.

What exactly are Dharāṇī?
Dharāṇī, also known as Parittas, are Buddhist chants, mnemonic codes, incantations, or recitations, usually the mantras consisting of Sanskrit or Pāli phrases. Believed to be protective and with powers to generate merit for the Buddhist devotee, they constitute a major part of historic Buddhist literature. Many of these chants are in Sanskrit and Pāli, written in scripts such as Siddhaṃ, as well as transliterated into Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Sinhala, Thai and other regional scripts. Dharāṇī are found in the ancient texts of all major traditions of Buddhism. They are a major part of the Pāli canon preserved by the Theravāda tradition. Mahāyāna Sūtras such as the Lotus Sūtra and the Heart Sūtra include or conclude with Dharāṇī. Dharāṇī are a part of the regular ritual prayers as well as considered to be an amulet and charm in themselves, whose recitation believed to allay bad luck, diseases or other calamity. In some Buddhist regions, they served as texts upon which the Buddhist witness would swear to tell the truth. Dharāṇī recitation for the purposes of healing and protection is referred to as Paritta in some Buddhist regions, such as Laos, Thailand, Burma, Cambodia, and Sri Lanka. Paritta is generally translated as ‘Safeguard’ or ‘Protection’ in the Pāli language.
Historical Context:
The word Dharāṇī derives from a Sanskrit root √dhṛ meaning "to hold or maintain". Some Buddhist communities outside India sometimes refer to Dharāṇī with alternate terms such as "Mantra, Hṛdaya (Hridiya), Paritrana (Paritta), Raksha (Pali: Rakkha), Gutti, or Vidyā" though these terms also have other contextual meanings in Buddhism. The Buddhist Dharāṇī invocations are the earliest mass printed texts that have survived. The earliest extant example of printing on paper is a fragment of a Dhāraṇī miniature scroll in Sanskrit unearthed in a tomb in Xi'an, called the Great spell of unsullied pure light (Wúgòu jìng guāngdà tuóluóní jīng; 無垢淨光大陀羅尼經). It was printed using woodblock during the Tang dynasty, c. 650–670 AD. The Hyakumantō Darani found as charms in wooden pagodas of Japan were broadly accepted as having been printed between 764 and 770 CE. In 1966, similarly printed Dharāṇī were discovered in stone pagoda of Pulguksa temple in Gyeongju, Korea. These are dated to the first half of the 8th century.
How to start the practice:
As stated, Dharāṇī, are used as a sort of mnemonic code, specifically curated to help a practitioner remember the text in which the teaching and incantation comes from, such a practice is a good starting point in exploring the genre of Buddhist text that have the ability to generate positive karma, and dedication of merit to other sentient beings. Remembering and reciting a Dharāṇī is useful, and is a good recommendation for beginners, linked here is also a guide on how to pronounce Sanskrit if you happen to have some linguistic difficulties:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnFLN_eBOBMVEWX7pGJMGJNr_HK75VL_9&si=wSLN1Pz95q9bTcNA
Please note as some Dharāṇī/Paritta are esoteric and passed down by lineage of teacher to student, it is highly recommended for beginners to receive oral transmissions of such text. However, in this short list, all listed text are Sūtric and are free to recite without need of oral transmission.
Here is a good beginners list:
(Sanskrit works) Saddharma Puṇḍarīka Sūtraṁ (White Lotus Sūtra, used for praising the White Lotus Sūtra, and its benefits.)
Nīlakaṇṭha Dharāṇī (Blue-Necked One Dharāṇī, used for honoring, venerating, and requesting Avalokiteśvara protection, and clearance of obstacles.)
Śūraṅgama Mantraḥ/Sitātapatroṣṇīṣa Dhāraṇī* (Śūraṅgama Sūtra Mantraḥ, and the Dharāṇī associated in the Śūraṅgama Sūtra; White Parosal Dharāṇī of Sitātapatra Dharmapāla. Used for honoring, and venerating, the Śūraṅgama Sūtra, as well as requesting the help of Sitātapatra Dharmapāla to combat negative spiritual forces, magic, and beings.)
Bhaiṣajya-Guru-Vaiḍūrya-Prabhā-Rāja Dharāṇī (Used for honoring, and venerating, the Medicine Buddha Sūtra, as well as requesting his spiritual powers to heal and help sentient beings.)
Prajñāpāramitā-Hṛdaya (Sūtra) (Used for honoring, and venerating, the essence of Mahāyāna teachings on Śūnyatā, beneficial at warding off ill calamities, and dispelling negative forces.)
Munīndra-Hṛdaya-Mantraḥ (Shakyamuni Heart Mantraḥ, used for honoring, venerating, and establishing a connection to the Buddha Dharma.)
Śyāmatārā-Mantraḥ (Green Tārā Mantraḥ, used for requesting assistance from Green Tārā Bodhisattva.)
Amitāyus Dharāṇī (Amitāyus Buddha Dharāṇī used for honoring, venerating, and establishing a connection to the Amitabha Buddha Dharma, and for requesting longevity.)
Sarva-Tathāgatāyur-Vajra-Hṛdaya-Dharāṇī (All Thus Come One Life Diamond Heart Dharāṇī, used as an aspiration prayer towards Sukhāvatī, as well as praising, and venerating Amitābha Buddha.)
*Disclaimer, although this is an open mantraḥ, it is highly recommended to follow a teachers instructions on the usage of such a powerful mantraḥ. The Śuraṅgama Mantraḥ request the help of Vajrapaṇi Dharmapāla and is an extremely wrathful mantraḥ, often used at the most extreme of cases. Repeated usage is to advised by a qualified teacher.
For a more general overlook on Paritta works, which are often more peaceful in nature, and have a heavy emphasis on Mettā and merit dedication, here are a few open protective Parittas:
(Pāli linguistic works) Mettā Sutta/Karaṇīyamettā Sutta (The Discourse on Goodwill, used for spreading Mettā Pāramī to other sentient beings.)
Uddissanādhiṭṭhāna Gāthā (Verses for dedication of merit, used for dedicating merit to sentient beings, as well as multitudes of spiritual beings.)
Tiro-kuḍḍa-kaṇḍa-sutta Gāthā (Hungry Shades outside the walls verses, used for dedicating merit and food for ancestors and Pretā spiritual beings.)
Āmantana-Devatā Gāthā (Invitation to the Devās, used to invite the Buddhist and local deities protect those listening and preaching the Dhamma.)
Namakāra-siddhi Gāthā (Verses on success through homage, used as the beginning Paritta of ceremonies to venerate Buddhas and to bring success to rituals.)
Cha Ratana Paritta Gāthā (The Six Protective Verses from the Discourse on Treasures, derived from the larger Ratana Sutta, used for dispelling evil and negative forces, and proclaiming the truth [Saccakiriyā] of the triple gems.)
Khandha Paritta (The Group Protection, used for calming down and venerating the Nāga families, as well as dispelling harmful two footed, four footed, poisonous, and crawling creatures.)
Dhajagga Paritta (Top of the banner staff Protection, used for dispelling fear, and negative forces.)
Buddha-jaya-maṅgala Gāthā (The Verses of the Buddha’s Victory Blessings, used for proclaiming the eight auspicious victories of Shakyamuni Buddha in his life.)
It is recommended before the start of any Dharāṇī or Paritta chanting that one is to take refuge in the triple gems, and make aspiration prayers towards one’s goal, an example, as seen in the Theravāda Nikāya:
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa. (Recite three times.)
Homage to the Blessed One, the Worthy One, the Rightly Self-awakened One.
Tisaraṇa (Triple Gem Refuge.)
Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
I go to the Buddha for refuge. I go to the Dhamma for refuge. I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
Dutiyampi Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dutiyampi Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Dutiyampi Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
Twice, I go to the Buddha for refuge. Twice, I go to the Dhamma for refuge. Twice, I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
Tatiyampi Buddhaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Tatiyampi Dhammaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi. Tatiyampi Saṅghaṁ saraṇaṁ gacchāmi.
Thrice, I go to the Buddha for refuge. Thrice, I go to the Dhamma for refuge. Thrice, I go to the Saṅgha for refuge.
[Āmantana-Devatā Gāthā is said here.]
[Namakāra-siddhi Gāthā Paritta Chant, and so on…..]
Please feel free to ask questions, I don’t even know if you’re still reading, but…. Feel free to add suggestions too I guess. Have a nice day, and thank you for coming to my Ted-talk.

I have mentored 4 student teachers in the past two years, with only 1 showing an outstanding attitude and work ethic. My first one helped herself to my secret stash of chocolate, giving it to a work colleague, so I couldn’t stress-eat in my recess break. She also invited herself out to dinner with other (too-nice colleagues) and said “Oops! Can you spot me? I don’t have any money on me.” She did not pay him back. She used to rock up 29 minutes before class, sit at my desk and require reminders to stop being on her laptop when I’d previously arranged for her to supervise a small group. Student 2 used to skip into my room and ask me “What’s your goal that you want to achieve today?” before informing me that she was off her ADHD meds and all over the shop. Which brings me to my current student teacher. I’ve awkwardly been put into a situation where she is a parent at the school. - not even manage to locate the paperwork she needs to record her observations, lesson plans or know what rubric I’m assessing her on (I found it all within 10 minutes of reading the Uni handbook). - Writes lesson plans that require me to spellcheck (I can’t even at this point). Lesson plans arrive 3 days after discussion. - I get emails seeking clarification on things we have already discussed, or I have provided resources for them to research content knowledge, behaviour management etc but then actively asking questions that could be answered by reading the said resources. - Not having access to personal laptop or knowing how to log in to access her Uni things from the school laptop I’ve provided. - I get 3am emails because she’s stressing at how she’ll be able to cope and has stated she wants to cry when some student (Junior kids) needs her support and she doesn’t know how to give it. I mean….this parent has a child in exactly the same age group! - I’ve reassured her that she doesn’t have to do it all and I do not have expectations that everything will be perfect but to prioritise what’s important- observing, getting to know students and writing a lesson plan. Yet I’m the one accessing all of the materials she needs and I cannot believe I am dealing with a grown adult here. -It’s not even a ‘student teacher’ thing for me- I’m just finding it depressing that people who are so obviously unsuited to being a teacher are studying a Masters, and have stated that they are doing this because ‘they’re scared that AI will take their current job’ is setting our profession up for failure. My most competent student teacher who will become a fabulous teacher over time is the only thing that motivates me to keep mentoring. Thanks for the rant….It’s a laugh or cry situation….🤦🏾‍♀️🤯

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share with you my response to the introduction found in the only edition of Use of the Self currently in print. I believe it's a rather misleading intro to FM Alexander's work, so I'm sharing this in the hope that I can help clear up misconceptions people may have about the Alexander Technique, not derived only from Anthony Kingsley, but many bland blog posts one tends to encounter when researching the Alexander Technique. That said, this is not intended to be an introduction of its own, but rather something experienced students, teachers, and anyone enthusiastically learning the Technique may find useful. In the tradition of Alexander himself, I've included extensive footnotes, some painfully long. I'm happy to answer any questions or otherwise discuss what I've written. Understand these are my own interpretations and opinions about what some call "the work," so take them as you will. I've taken lessons for a number of years and currently am training as a teacher, so my view of the Technique is based on these experiences, as well as my interpretations of Alexander's writings. Some of these interpretations you may object to, but I hope you find my arguments reasonable.
Response to Anthony Kingsley's Introduction to The Use of the Self
The Use of the Self may be FM Alexander's most important work, since it contains his own account of how he developed what is now called the Alexander Technique. While Alexander's other volumes are available from Mouritz, the only edition of The Use of the Self currently in print is published by Orion Spring. This edition replaces the philosopher John Dewey's introduction—which praises the technique's "genuinely scientific character"—with one by the contemporary teacher Anthony Kingsley, who is heralded on the book's front cover as a "leading Alexander Technique teacher." Therefore it is probable that many readers' first impressions of the Alexander Technique will be framed by Mr. Kingsley's opinions. I submit this is problematic, since his introduction is in my view contradictory to fundamental principles of the Alexander Technique. I write this response to address the introduction's two most dire faults: Kingsley's misrepresentation of the concepts inhibition and direction, and his dismissal of the concept of the primary control. I'll begin with the second, since it is a more straightforward error.
Primary Control
Kingsley opens his paragraphs on the primary control with the opinion that the concept should be "recast," then describes Alexander's definition of the primary control as a "particular relationship of his head, neck and back [that] acted as a master reflex that conditioned his whole organism." Then he discards this definition, claiming the head-neck-back relativity should instead be "regarded as an indicator[sic] of overall health rather than an area considered in isolation." He concedes the "region of the neck and back is a [...] barometer of our state of being," but concludes that "no single element is actually primary," since our eyes, breath, digestive system, and all other psychophysical elements are "simultaneous and interdependent" and also like barometers. Finally, he reveals his "recast" of the primary control, defining it as "the unknown and unseen self-righting and self-healing mechanism that can be restored and vitalized."
In sum, Mr. Kingsley has presented the primary control—which Alexander wrote extensively about and considered central to his technique—with an ill-defined mystical force which, accordingly, Alexander must have unwittingly stumbled upon and mistaken for a certain relativity of the head, neck and back.
Ironically, it is in The Use of the Self where Alexander wrote of discovering the necessity to first free his neck in seeking a better condition for his vocal apparatus, since that was the sine qua non of taking his head forward and up, of widening the back, and so forth, which are in turn the necessary conditions of freedom and stability in the limbs. This is the genesis of Alexander's use of the word "primary" in describing the head-neck-back relationship, and in my experience, as in Alexander's, it holds true: the sequence of directions given to oneself matters greatly, since tense feet, for example, can hardly flatten on the floor if the head is taken back and down, whereas the head can be taken "forward and up"1 to a fine degree even if there is tension in the lower extremities, particularly while sitting. Further, and maybe most significantly, the relativity of the head-neck-back rarely need change during any manner of activity, whereas the arms and legs are constantly bending, rising, stretching, and so on. Small wonder Alexander considered this relativity primary.
Of course, Kingsley is not wrong to point out the interdependence of all processes in the body. It is certainly true that undue tension in the feet creates a downward pull on the head, neck and back. Yet what is crucial to understand here is that in the context of learning and teaching the Alexander Technique, the primary control is an indispensable concept. It instructs the pupil to guide his or her attention through the body in the sequence most fit to facilitate proper relativity of all the parts, and it names succinctly that natural, visible, dynamic yet enduring relativity of the head, neck and back observable in little children and animals as well as many great musicians and athletes. Thus Kingsley discards a practical concept in favor of a truism about "interdependence;" and so we come to his second, graver error.
Direction
Here it begins to seem that what Kingsley writes of in his introduction is not the Alexander Technique at all, but in fact the Kingsley Technique, since he has redefined not only the primary control, but two other conceptual pillars of the technique: inhibition and direction.
First, he takes aim at direction, neglecting to elucidate Alexander's own definition of the concept before setting out the axiom that "aiming for postural improvements using postural directions leads to a bodymind[sic] attitude of effort and trying, which simply reinforces the problem." Dismissing as superfluous all "ideas and images about heads, necks and backs," he declares that "the trying[sic] self is the obstacle, and the shift towards a non-trying[sic] self is the solution." Finally, he offers his own definition of the directions as "the natural flow of energy and vibrancy that exists within the organism," directions which are interfered with "when we are in a condition of stress and reactivity."
Here, again, Kingsley takes a practical concept which Alexander developed based on careful observation of his own muscular action, and replaces it with a kind of mystical or spiritual phenomenon which, implicitly, only the initiated can perceive.2 Thus the famous directions are not, as Alexander described repeatedly, a series of mental orders or intentions projected to oneself before and during muscular activity along lines one has reasoned out in advance, but a "natural flow of energy and vibrancy"—just as the primary control is not, as Alexander saw it, a concrete, observable relativity of the head, neck and back, but an "unknown and unseen self-righting and self-healing mechanism." These pseudo-spiritual definitions do a massive disservice to neophyte readers, and reveal Kingsley's muddled seeing in relation to the central problem addressed by the Alexander Technique: how to shed habit and coordinate the bodymind through reasoned conception and conscious awareness.
But for a moment let us leave aside direction, since a subtler and more misleading error still lurks in Kingsley's presentation: his dismissal of conception itself. He explicitly warns that "ideas, concepts and cognitive efforts reinforce the very mental instrument that is the problem in the first place," he advises us to simply trust that "the prevention or inhibition[sic] of reaction, maintains or liberates this stream of energy [or direction] in the body."
To understand Kingsley's error, we must return to Alexander. In Man's Supreme Inheritance, Alexander sets out four stages to the "performance of any muscular action by conscious guidance and control:"

1. The conception of the movement required;
2. The inhibition of erroneous preconceived ideas which subconsciously suggest the manner in which the movement or series of movements should be performed;
3. The new and conscious mental orders which will set in motion the muscular mechanism essential to the correct performance of the action;
4. The movements (contractions and expansions) of the muscles which carry out the mental orders.

Alexander considered "conception of the movement required" the very first stage in his technique, to precede even inhibition. Thus he made clear, if indirectly, that in the context of his technique, clear conception is essential to achieving a desired end. Incidentally, this is a fact any competent artist can attest to; if a composition is not unambiguously understood and organized within one's memory, it cannot be brought to fruition. Even the most simple act, such as extending one's arm to grasp a nearby object, requires a detailed conception of distance, weight, strength, and so forth; if the object turns out to be heavier than expected, the conception of these variables and their relation to one another, and hence the muscular action, must change. This is direction in action, albeit subconscious.
Yet Kingsley belittles conception, instead leaning on concepts like "ease," "letting go" "acceptance," and the like. He is not alone in this among teachers, but in my opinion, they overlook the influence of what Alexander termed "erroneous beliefs," a concept closely related to that of "unreliable sensory appreciation." Both could be read in the spiritual lexicon alongside "letting go," etc.; but that would place their referent outside the realm of what words and concepts can describe. On the contrary, Alexander was pointing to something concrete and empirically observable: to errors of spatio-motor perception able to be observed phenomenologically and in other people's behavior; not to transcendent truths about observation itself. Thus the classic example of an Alexandrian "erroneous belief" is a person who raises their arm and believes their shoulder has remained still when it has not. The key for the pupil in this instance is to gain an accurate conception5 of their own muscular action, in reference to bodily sensations; not to simply "let go" or "do nothing."3 And this conception must come about through active tutelage—e.g. Alexander Technique lessons—or, dare I say, the way Alexander himself did it: by reasoned experimentation, conceiving hypotheses based on careful register and analysis of his own sensations, and also by watching the behavior of others. John Dewey called the technique scientific for a reason.
All of this is not to understate the importance of concepts like "release" and "effortlessness," including in the context of the Alexander Technique. Seeing more or less what is meant by them is doubtless the key to mastery of all activities, all practices, all techniques. Yet those spiritual concepts should not blot out the very concrete technique Alexander developed for improving what he called "the use of the self:" that coordination of the muscular system, achieved through conscious reason, which influences for better or worse the functioning of the whole organism.4
Inhibition
So much for direction. What about inhibition? Under the heading "Inhibition and Non-Doing," Kingsley describes Alexander's understanding of inhibition as "an artificial pause between stimulus and reaction," after which he could "give directions to himself." Then he lays down the gauntlet, stating that in the "real world […] life does not offer us the choice to inhibit:" since according to neuroscience research, "neural reactions take milliseconds and are faster than conscious thought processes." In other words, "we either react to the stimulus, or not." So, with inhibition proven impossible, Kingsley is left with no choice but to "reformulate" another of Alexander's concepts, offering us a supposedly scientifically enlightened6 view that inhibition is really "a quality of non-doing[sic] that needs to be already available in the organism before the receipt of a stimulus." This is "a way of being[sic] rather than a way of doing[sic]."
This Kingsleyan inhibition turns out to be the essence of the technique, since it is this very "condition of non-doing[sic]" the teacher is supposed to transmit, through a touch Kingsley describes as "a dance of poetry and a symphony of silence." With it, the teacher imparts a "deep sense of acceptance" by which "change emerges in the pupil."7 He goes on to compare the Alexander Technique to "Zen Buddhism, mindfulness and the philosophy of non-duality," identifying the uniqueness of the Alexander Technique in "the transmission of immediate experience." In fact, there is no Alexander Technique as such, but only inhibition:
The Chinese Tao has a concept of Wu Wei[sic], which translates as surrendering to the effortless flow of life[sic], or non-doing[sic] action. Ultimately, the Alexander Technique needs to reinvent itself and relinquish the Technique. The Alexander Teacher really teaches nothing[sic!]. But this nothing or emptiness is in fact the deepest essence of being and the fullness of life. Like grace, it drops onto us and into us when the conditions are ripe.
The problem is that Alexander's own writings indicate that inhibition is not a "quality," a "condition," or a "surrendering to the effortless flow of life." On the contrary, according to Universal Constant in Living, it is "the act of refusing to respond to the primary desire to gain an end, [which] becomes the act of responding (volitionary act) to the conscious reasoned desire to employ the means whereby that end may be gained." As clear as day: inhibition is an action in response to the stimulus of conscious desire: a conscious, continuing refusal to do a thing the way one normally does it. Alexander saw that this inhibitory act had to precede in every instance any attempt to change his habits. Everyone is well familiar with the inhibitory act. The act of not indulging an immediate desire, however small, is it. So, inhibition is not an "artificial pause," but a phenomenologically observable process within the organism, a process that can be made habitual through practice. It is no more abstract and transcendent than blinking or moving one's finger.7
Here Kingsley again takes something ordinary and concrete and makes it mystical, going so far as to "relinquish the Technique." The trouble is that there is a good reason the Alexander Technique came to be known as such. A technique is a skillful way of doing something; a mental tool; a procedure. Ways of doing can be found everywhere: techniques for dance, for romance, for healing, even for attaining nirvana or enlightenment. Each has a goal in mind and is based on what worked in the past; each resorts to concepts to explain itself; each prescribes action, or doing something a certain way. Yet Kingsley dismisses the idea of doing anything at all. Equating the Alexander Technique with "nothing," he tosses out the concepts Alexander spent decades refining, when Alexander's genius was precisely to conceive a useful, coherent way of doing things through patient observation of the phenomena he termed inhibition, direction, primary control, and the rest.
So, the technique may encompass all the acts of living, but it is still a technique. Alexander often used the term "procedure" to describe it, and I think procedure is as apt a word as any to describe the application of his technique to the acts of living. He constantly stressed the technique's sequential, stepwise nature and recorded countless practical examples of it in action, both in hypotheticals and accounts of lessons. The technique is not a metaphysics or a philosophy like non-duality; it is a practical procedure with a clear purpose: restoring
advantageous, natural relativity of the head, neck and back.
Conclusion
The technique is blindingly simple but surprisingly subtle and difficult to master; and, as far as I am aware, it is unique. Unfortunately, Kingsley is not alone in overlooking the uniqueness and subtleties of the technique in favor of spiritual truisms and platitudes. I suspect there are two main reasons for this.
The first is the tendency of serious pupils of the technique to become more open to "spirituality," both philosophically (e.g. non-duality) and in terms of sadhana (e.g. meditation, yoga, self-inquiry). Many are enthusiastic about the similarities between the Alexander Technique and, for example, mindfulness practice. It is certainly true that the technique requires the pupil to have some degree of "mindfulness," or the ability to realize when the mind has wandered; and it is also true that a few people who devote themselves to the technique come upon some of the same insights one might find in spiritual practice. Yet spiritual insight is not the purpose of the technique. In my opinion, the Alexander Technique is a relative of energy practices such as Hatha yoga, qigong, and TRE (trauma release exercises). Such techniques are often used in tandem with spiritual practices meant for the cultivation of insight, but their purpose has traditionally been preparatory and salutary, not "spiritual." One need not stray too esoteric to encounter the idea that the real goal of spirituality has nothing to do with "ways of doing." On the other hand, Qigong explicitly aims to regulate qi in the body; kundalini yoga is concerned with the flow of prana; the Alexander Technique seeks to restore the good use of the primary control. More practically, the technique teaches mental discipline, and ultimately the ability of the nervous system to regulate itself. Such a practice may lay the groundwork for spiritual realization, but it is by no means indistinguishable from it.
While there is no point speculating about Alexander's private insights, one thing can be certain: he left us a definite procedure with a practical, concrete purpose—not a transcendental one. Yet Kingsley's introduction continually implies the Alexander Technique is an essentially spiritual practice with heavenly fruit. Disparaging the core concepts that constitute the Alexander Technique, he invites us instead to simply "surrender," "let go in faith," and blindly trust that its real essence—nothing less than Wu Wei—will be transmitted through the "rare, "unconditional" touch of the teacher.
The second, more obvious reason Alexander has been so misunderstood is that he rarely wrote concisely, and in any case, recognition and conception of the primary control can never be refined through words, but only through unfamiliar sensory experiences—either reasoned out, as Alexander did, or in the hands of a good teacher. Hence there is more than a kernel of truth to Kingsley's view of the "supreme value of guidance with the hands;" yet I differ from him in that I insist the Alexander Technique cannot be divorced from intellectual understanding and, indeed, conception.
The Use of the Self and Alexander's other works certainly were not without their flaws, but at their best they illuminate concepts which are nuanced, rich, and useful when applied. Primary control, direction and inhibition are three such concepts. Whatever their flaws, Alexander's books point the way to a wonderful technique, and they deserve thoughtful, probing introductions like Dewey's—not dismissals.
1 Like many other Alexandrian terms, the concrete meaning of "forward and up" seems incredibly controversial among Alexander Technique teachers. While I conceive it roughly as freedom of the atlanto-occipital joint, the term cannot be understood in isolation from the rest of the parts—namely, from one's conception of the primary control. It seems to experience it, one must discover it, as Alexander did, or be shown it by a teacher.
2 This is not to say there are not phenomena only some people perceive.
3An overemphasis on "letting go" and the like obscures the fact that Alexander always described the technique as consisting of stages or sequential steps, which in my opinion constitute the "means whereby" he wrote of.
4 "Use of the self" is another problematic term. Related to the concept of "good form" and "good technique" among athletes and musicians, it refers essentially to coordination of the musculature along reasoned lines, which is not separate from conception of the primary control. Equal and opposite is the term "misuse," since one's idea of misuse depends on one's idea of good use. Different teachers understand the term differently. Kingsley states that "bodily tensions and distortions become fixed and reinforced as we react to the general stimuli of living." True enough. Yet he goes on to imply it is associated only with fear, anxiety and distress. Again he couples this concept to the language of contemporary spirituality, trumpeting that it "alienates us from our own true nature." This is to completely ignore the point Alexander returned to again and again in his own writing: that the use of the self is inextricably linked with conception. No doubt, tension and imbalance are very often inextricable from fear. But there may be another class of misuse: one based on misconceptions about the body, unexamined movement patterns from childhood which have little or nothing to do with manifestations of stress or emotions in the body. I suspect one may experience profound psychophysical quietude yet still tend to throw their head back and down in relation to their neck and back, especially in movement.
5Kingsley writes that the teacher's touch indicates the "negation of trying and doing within the pupil." Even a token mention of guidance viz. the relativity of the body parts is nowhere to be found. Yet in my opinion this discussion of touch is misleading, since nothing like it can be found at all in Alexander's writings. On the contrary, Alexander stressed that the teacher's role was to demonstrate manually the proper relativity of the pupil's parts, with the means whereby of the technique; not to transmit "a way of being," nor indeed enlightenment or gnosis.
6 Neuroscientific findings relating to will and volition have proliferated in recent years. They may raise fundamental questions about the nature of self and will, but in my opinion they have little to do with the Alexander Technique, no more than they do with dancing or playing an instrument. If there are really recognizable activities Alexander termed "inhibition" and "direction," then his writings are timeless, since they speak from direct observation and experiment, not philosophy about "free will" and the like.
7 In spiritual literature one encounters, almost universally, the idea that there is no "doer" of action, or no "doer" but God. Hence Kingsley is implying that Alexandrian inhibition is somehow related to this concept, which Buddha famously summarized: "Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no doer thereof." In my opinion, the Alexander Technique has nothing more to do with this than does reading, writing, or playing a game. There may be "procedures followed, but no follower thereof."

Considering Junior Year finishes this week I thought this would be a good time to ask what would be your guys vision for the future of the Fantasy High Setting and the Bad Kids.
For me the ideal storyline for a Fantasy High Senior Year and beyond would be:
Senior Year Adventure - setting up the rest of the Bad Kids Lives, will they remain a Party or will they split up and follow their own paths and careers? The drama is more personal and inter-party as they come to realise as much as they love one another they have different goals in life. Good opportunity to tie up loose ends like Adaine's Mum, Kristen finally acting as the Leader of Her Religion, Fig being held to account for all her disguise self shenanigans and questioning what comes next, Bill Seacaster's War against Asmodeus, Maybe redeeming Helio [I will die on the hill that Helio himself seemed like a pretty nice guy, his dad and his followers are dicks though] and maybe even breaking the "As Above So Below" rule so that Gods like Ankarna Cassandra and Helio are no longer at risk of being warped or destroyed by aggressive religious movements, Gorgug becoming the Greatest Wizard of the Age, visit the Nekronomikron and encounter some dead NPCs - who knows! The season ends on a bittersweet "Breaking of the Fellowship/Grey Havens" moment, kind of like finishing High School itself its an exciting moment of opportunity and victory but its also pretty sad because you and your friends will pursue different lives separate from one another.
The 10-20 year reunion adventure has them as Level 20 characters and the plot is them reuniting for the reunion while also enrolling their own children or younger relatives [picturing Fig and Fabian's 18 siblings, Kristen's niece or nephew by Bucky, Riz's own kid, Gorgug is enrolling his sentient cyborg child, Adaine is the new Wizard teacher] into the academy and seeing how much more chaotic he has become decide to try to force a senile Arthur Auegfort into retirement - just a bunch of god-tier powerful characters having a reality-breaking quest to essentially have the difficult "I don't think you should be driving anymore" conversation with your grandparent. Afterwards they realise how much they have missed adventuring together and, now that they have taken that time to pursue their own individual destinies, decide to join together and continue on adventures going forward while raising the Kids [As the Bad Parents!], leaving the season open-ended for potential one-shots and spin-offs and ending on a more unambiguously happy note.

What scam or cult is this? A woman has been coming around asking some of my colleagues to “coffee,” to talk about an opportunity. She tells them she makes $40K doing this ‘mysterious thing.’ She alludes to something that you liquidate your assets and hand them over to a person who will make them more money. The strange thing is, she won’t tell them the whole story. She insists they sign a paper to commit fully to this organization; to put it above their family, current job, etc.. before the opportunity is ’revealed.’ I work at a school and all faculty has at least a graduate degree. She comes occasionally as a substitute teacher- and I think it’s all for recruiting. Some colleagues, especially those in a tough financial spot or close to retirement, are really considering this. There does seem to be some religious aspect of this, which makes it more culty. Help me help them!

Hi Reddit, throw away account for obvious reasons but y’all are a lot cheaper than therapy so here we go. I know this is long but I feel that the context is important.
TL;DR - I need advice for how to tell my mom that I intend to go no contact with my mom because I can’t deal with her husband’s alcohol fueled innappropriate behavior in my life anymore especially now that I have a family of my own. I already had a long heart to heart explaining where I’m coming from and she appeared to understand and even agree, but she still makes excuses for her husband.
I (31 F) have a young daughter only a few months old. My mom (57 F) has been married to my stepdad (60 M) for 28 years, and I’ve never gotten along with him. He’s an alcoholic, and for lack of a better description, turns into a belligerent asshole when he’s drunk, which is of course all the time. He’s extremely inappropriate and vulgar in public and even at important family events (weddings, funerals, etc), and generally makes everyone, including his own family members uncomfortable. Unfortunately, my mom has been with him for so long that she makes excuses for him, and is constantly manipulated by him. There have been prior domestic violence incidents where I’ve called the police, and she lies for him. They’re both retired, and she’s super intelligent so is constantly wanting to learn new things, but he prevents her from doing any hobbies or additional education that makes her happy - especially if alcohol isn’t involved or if it’s inconveniences him.
So this weekend, both of them flew in from out of town - we live almost 1,000 miles away across a few states - to spend some time with my daughter, and to celebrate my birthday and Mother’s Day. We also scheduled our daughter’s baptism for this same weekend so my mom could attend since she’s recently taken up an interest in my religion.
I knew there would be a problem pretty quickly after they landed. We have small a local airport only 10 minutes away from us, but they always choose to fly to a larger international airport in a different state, rent a car, and drive over 2 hours to get here. There was an issue with their rental car and my mom started texting me to complain about it. I tried to brush it off and not get annoyed, but this happens every single time they come and there are obviously more convenient options. It took them over 3 1/2 hours to get to our city from the airport and I get texts like “omg we finally just now made it to our airbnb”.
I called her and it was clear that they had been drinking either on the plane, in the airports, or more likely than not, both - even though it was barely noon. She was annoyed and asked about our impending dinner reservation, which was several hours away still. I asked if she was going to come to our house to see her granddaughter beforehand, but she wanted to “relax” at the airbnb (aka drink more) and that my stepdad was trying to find a last minute barber in town because he was apparently unhappy with how his hair was overgrown. Never heard him mention a barber in my life so this was extremely strange to me.
A few hours go by and we’ve got about 30 minutes before we have to leave for dinner. I get a text from my mom asking if we can go pick her up at the airbnb alone. Due to my stepdads history I asked if everything was ok, and all I got in reply was “no”. I sent my husband over there and she was waiting on the street. When she got in his car and he asked if she was alright, she jokingly said “oh well I’m single now”.
I didn’t get much info out of her except he was “cranky” about their travel day and mad he couldn’t find a barber - again - so fucking random. They had gotten into a verbal altercation and he locked himself in the bathroom for over an hour. We’re talking about a 60 year old man here.. some people never grow up I guess. So she comes to dinner with the rest of our group of family and friends and acts like everything is ok. I tried to insist that she stay at our house that night because I didn’t feel that it was safe, but she went back to the airbnb anyway.
When she got back there, my stepdad and their rental car was gone, and he had turned off his location from her view. I called her and had a long hour conversation about how this behavior isn’t ok, that he’s manipulative, and that we’d be happy to let her live with us if that’s what it takes to get her out of this toxic relationship. She cried and agreed that what he does isn’t ok and that it’s a huge struggle for her and said “I’m not 100% sure but I think this is it for me finally”.
I wasn’t happy that it had come to this but I was glad to have a breakthrough with her, and be able to be blatantly honest. Also needs to be mentioned that when I talk to her on the phone, it is ALWAYS on speaker and he’s listening in. Even if he’s in the bathroom, she asks me to recap what I said if he comes back. Not just me, other family members notice this too.
While on this hour long conversation we talked about how he is no longer invited to my daughters baptism the next day or to my house and I offered to have my husband and I tell him ourselves, which she insisted that she wanted to handle herself to “soften the blow”.
So all this transpires, he apparently came back to the airbnb very late and apologized to her, and today she attended my daughter’s baptism alone. She was clearly upset about his absence, but I stood my ground. She asked if I had changed my mind about the rest of the weekend because “he was so apologetic” to her, and I again said no. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time but I’ve had enough over the last 28 years of him manipulating my mom. While we were packing up to leave the church she told me that she would probably be spending time with him because “he wouldn’t be ok” hanging out alone for the rest of the weekend. She also suggested that she would try to fly out again in a few weeks alone after the dust settles to spend time with me and my daughter.
When we were walking to our cars, my mom was borderline crying, didn’t say goodbye to me or my daughter, got into the car (she hitched a right with one of our friends since we didn’t have room in our car) and left. She didn’t come to our house, she didn’t show up for our planned lunch reservation, and she hasn’t said a word to me since.
At this point even if she does reach out and not just fly home in the next few days I’ve decided that the option is 1) she can be a part of my life and my family’s life if her husband isn’t around or 2) no-contact. I wish I could say this is the first time I’ve gone no-contact with them, but there were a time period over 10 years ago that I didn’t speak to them either and that lasted 3 years.
I know she’s not going to take it well when I tell her, and I’ve accepted the fact that she’s likely going to stay with him even if it means never seeing her granddaughter again. Or IF I get to tell her at all since she is not talking to me. Her airbnb is literally 1/2 mile from my house and we can see each other’s location so I know she’s just there with him and ghosting me.
So now I feel that I’m in a stalemate waiting for her to talk to me, just so that I can tell her that I can’t have her as a part of my life if her husband is always tagging along. I also want to make it clear that while I think it would be better that she divorce him, that’s not the ultimatum I’m wanting to communicate to her.