I was reading the book War Crimes the other day, and saw this passage about Varian that seemed pretty hilarious, as the Dragonmaw and their allies attacked during Garrosh's trial:

"“You’re making this fun, Dragonmaw!” he shouted defiantly, and charged the first pirate. Still struggling out of the parachute, he was an easy kill, but others had gotten free and now converged on Varian. The king’s blood was hot, and he swung the great broadsword as if it were a child’s toy, decapitating the troll who came at him with a cutlass and following through to cleave the black-haired human woman almost in two.
The mammoth tauren, no less fierce for the fact that he had one eye, was more of a challenge. Varian harnessed his momentum and twisted his torso, bringing the blade upward and slicing off the tauren’s right arm. But the left had a weapon too, and this one bit deep into Varian’s side. Dizziness filled him and he stumbled back, abruptly unable to lift the sword to defend himself. But the blow never came.
Something even bigger than the tauren, gray-skinned and wearing red and yellow armor, rushed forward. With a single slice, the tauren’s horned head was cleanly separated from his body. The felguard fixed Varian with tiny, glowing eyes and rumbled, “Your fate will be the same.” Varian couldn’t summon the energy for a witty retort. He blinked, trying to focus. His legs gave way and he fell to his knees, wondering if perhaps the felguard had been right.

So, essentially, Varian (albeit wounded after taking an arrow to the shoulder) while engaged in melee against some pirate forces loses a brief duel against a large tauren with 2 swords. This seems to be a far cry from what he's been able to accomplish on the battlefield before, especially considering basically a page later, he leaps up to Zaela and pulls her off of her dragon AFTER being shot by a rifle. I'm not sure how seriously a lot of the books are taken from a lore perspective, but I thought this was quite funny, and I'm curious to see if there's similar examples.

Dearest,
I want you to understand me fully, because I find it immensely difficult to communicate any of this unless it is all laid out as one mindset, for I fear being misconstrued as ill-intended when for me this is an exercise of truth and speaking that truth which I feel. It is an exercise of honesty, and one of humility as I lay bare before your conscious attention the fullness of my feeling.
I have loved and I have lost. A number of times now, in various ways. I have explored depths of despair, loneliness, grief, trauma, and other shadowy sides to myself and after entertaining death itself for years, I have emerged refreshed and cleansed. I choose life and all that this incarnation has in store for me while my lungs continue to take breath and my heart continues to beat.
My orientation to life has long been to clench and grip and grab and tightly hold on to illusions of control and security. To ensnare people with untenable relationship arrangements founded on a lack of self-acceptance and love. To entertain conditional and transactional experiences with other humans, for fear of being taken advantage of. These seeds I have allowed to take root have sprung up many times, as I have continued to water and enrich them with anxieties and fears. No longer. I choose to live and to love. I choose to cultivate a space of love that welcomes and accepts and validates and entertains without the need for gripping and containing those who enter it. And as the space expands the walls of my heart, the incalculable depths of loving potential arise to the surface and saturate my being. I choose to be love itself, incarnate as far as my current form will allow. I honor my limitations and find great serenity in accommodating and challenging them in due course.
One of my core powers is understanding the nature of limitation itself. Thus I recognize that in terms of my love, a limit does not exist that can ever long persist. My love is infinite. As I fall into the space of love, I too am infinite as a whole and no longer feel a need to leave this form, or end things, or to do anything especial to avoid suffering. I am just love itself, and that is enough to satisfy my mind and my heart and my soul. All that exists that may limit the outpouring of this love is the nature of my form, and that blessedly is ever changing—seemingly to the benefit of all, and will ever grow alongside the expansion of my heart.
This space is supremely difficult to remain in forever. But when I am with you dearest, I am always in that space. I am always in that space of love with you. Even right now. I am in love with you. Do you get what I am saying? I love you as a person, a human, a being in general. I adore so many aspects of you. But I am also IN the space of love WITH you. I am in love WITH you. I love you, but I am also in love with you.
I have no fear stating this. How could I be afraid of loving utterly she for whom I hold all desire? How could I fear you, dearest, when your embrace is pure comfort and pleasure? You are divinely saturated in feminine expression and attract every atom of my being like a super-magnet. In fact, you instead take all my fears away and alchemize them into precise and pristinely perfect inspiration for me to cheerfully ingest, effortlessly. You ARE my inspiration, my muse, my lady, my woman, and my lover in my mind and in my heart.
Your laugh is a fountain of music and your speech an enchantment for my ears. Your smile as you grin at me is so wonderfully and delightfully silly, mischievous, cheerful, hopeful, and full of desire all at once. I have never felt my capacity to love so challenged as by you, but neither have I ever recognized just how utterly willing I am and will ever be to fully explore that capacity with you.
The way your eyes sparkle with celestial radiance, and draw me down into their depths is a fantasy ride into the very dreamy undertones of my most private subconscious sensualities. And with a bright unserious laugher bubbling up in the blink of said eyes, you make me go to pieces with chagrin and humility in the best possible way. Often, your glance pierces with icy diamond sharpness, but gives way to pools of the most vibrant tropical paradise blue that are wells of the deepest wisdom; a spring from the mountains that begins a stream that will take a lifetime to meet the sea. I would swim in the depths of those pools forever, were I so fortunate as to be invited closer than the leaves of the trees on the edge of the forest. The Keen-Eyed I name you, for there exists no veil or shroud over me that your gaze cannot penetrate with swift and unyielding overtones of warmth and delight. No shadow can endure that light.
Your skin is taut; your muscles wrought—of strength, and powerful endurance. You make the lands vibrate with joy and excitement as the wind chases your feet as they dance through the world. When it is out, the sun glows dazzlingly, glittering with tiny rainbows of color as it plays across your aesthetic and athletic form, and all the wildflowers yearn in anticipation as you pass—hoping for the glory and chance of being picked and tucked behind your ear—to their greatest delight and honor. Framing the soft expanse of your brow, the tresses of your hair flash with a rare and glorious golden radiance that only the light of the stars glittering in the inky darkness of night could produce. Their glow traverses the infinite emptiness of space only to at long last become ensnared and woven into the soft strength of each strand, to radiate that light anew.
When I hug you, I realize that if I could, I would freeze time and spend an eternity just holding you in my arms, lovingly caressing your hair and back as your soft gentle weight presses into me, comforting me utterly with the honoring of the full humility of my stark humanity. Feeling your acceptance, and validation and encouraging enrichment through holding you makes me possessed by great sorrow, knowing I must let you go, but it also leaves me with a lasting serenity and pleasure, knowing that within the space of this long lifetime, I somehow have been so unbelievably fortunate as to have been graced by so loving of an embrace. Humans go entire lifetimes without ever experiencing such a wondrous experience, and I treasure it every time it occurs.
You will never owe me anything, nor suffer any binding at my hand, save those of your own choosing. I offer you infinite depths of connection and reassurance amidst the wide world, but I do not seek to contain or cage you. You have a path to walk just as I do, but I would have yours lead back to me each moment that it may. I would cherish and love you all the days of my life, and never would I intentionally overstep your boundaries nor subject you to violence. I would uphold your honor and work to emphasize your grace with my own stature and beauty and power. Such that is granted to me by the space of each moment, anyways. There is great potential for mutual growth and fulfillment between us over the length of a lifetime if we are willing to invest in developing a deeper intertwining of our bodies and our souls. I recognize many limits but no limit to the depths we might explore together. The universe is vast, but perfection abounds from the highest highs to the deepest depths, and as long as I have you nearby, I may envision it and establish it in turn, for the benefit of our family, should you choose to spend your time in my company in a home of our own.
And if your choice is to seek a path that follows a diversion from my own, I will accept it with graceful resignation, wishing you only the utmost happiness for all your days. I may strain to understand how any other might love you with greater ardor than my heart is aflame with, but the cosmos does not revolve around me, and I recognize that there persist many potential partners of greater consideration and so I willingly let go of any claim I might try to lay for your hand. Instead I offer only a blessing, that should the universe favor me at long last, that this letter will not fall astray and will arrive to a welcome reception in the halls of your heart. Should it not, I will sit with contentment, recognizing my own bravery and madness in sending it, and regretting not the choice to seek your fancy.
You are a treasure dearest, and I am a treasure seeker. I covet many gems and beautiful minerals and crystals that this wondrous planet has grown and shaped. But no crystal radiates as you do. No crystal has so beautiful of colors. Nor is as delightfully energizing as you are. I find no greater assurance in any rock or stone than I do holding your hands and being within the sphere of your aura. I have faith that I will become as strong or as harmonious or supportive as ever you might wish me to be, if only were the smile in your eyes to wake me from dreamspace each morning alongside the rays of the sun and so inspire me to greatness.
May this wishful boat of heartfelt intention and deep desire sail gently into the cavernous depths of your being beneath the mountainous wall of the outer bulwark of your defenses, and may it receive safe harborage in the twilight pools of dreams that glow like galaxies in the soft glimmer of crystal-laden caves that house your soul. May it meet there the doorway to your heart, and may it pass over the threshold, to begin anew the conjugation of the universe with itself through the vehicle of our mutual love.
For K,
Who never received it, having chosen another lover.

I am well aware of the fact that this has been happening in the past decades as well but I have noticed that this has become extremely prevalent in the day and age today where grown adults, and even children from as early as 14-15 as well are obsessed with their looks and how they can achieve ‘perfection’. They aren’t afraid of going under the knives, undergoing various medical procedures, fillers, surgeries, etc without any second thoughts or a careful look at the repercussions. They would rather harm their bodies to the point of an unchangeable ‘perfect’ state than to just accept themselves for who they are, worship their bodies provided to them by the almighty and instead work on it through healthy and beneficial procedures such as working out, eating healthy, having a good sleep schedule, etc. instead of undergoing surgeries, medical procedures and such to an irreversible unnatural state.
However, I am well aware that this is easier said than done as it is mostly carried out due to their insecurities and social comparison and the media that is put out today be it through social media, television, magazines, etc. plays a huge role towards it. I wanna know your thoughts and opinions about it.

So this originally started as an idea to use chat gpt to run a DND 5e campaign for me to use to test different character builds, then I started to wonder if I could incorporate hunter x hunter into the game. Using a really really long chat gpt prompt I wrote it actually ended up going really well so I decided to try to make it an entire system that you could kinda hopefully incorporate into any version of DND or other ttrpgs to have your own personalized hunter x hunter campaign. Now this whole thing is really messy but that's just because it's easier for my weird brain to work with. Anyway here's what I have so far 1. Primary Race: Human - The primary race is human, reflecting the "Hunter x Hunter" universe. However, players can customize their characters with unique physical traits or abilities, reflecting the diverse range of human appearances in the series.

1. Alternative Race: Chimera Ant
   
   • As an alternative, players can choose to be a Chimera Ant, which allows for a mix of human and animal traits, offering unique physical and sensory abilities. This race would have its own set of strengths and vulnerabilities.
2. Classes
   
   • Hunter: The main class, with sub-classes based on Hunter types (e.g., Beast Hunter, Treasure Hunter).
   • Assassin: Focused on stealth and precision, with techniques like those of the Zoldyck family. Sub-classes could be based on different assassination styles or tools.
   • Criminal: A class for those who operate outside the law, like the Phantom Troupe, with sub-classes based on criminal expertise (e.g., Thief, Bandit, Mercenary).

Nen System Integration

1. Nen Types and Abilities
   
   • Each class develops Nen abilities based on their Nen type, with unique Hatsu abilities.
   • Assassins and Criminals might have Nen abilities that complement their class skills (e.g., a Thief might be a Transmuter, changing the properties of their aura to aid in stealth).
2. Aura Points (AP)
   
   • This system replaces spell slots. Using Nen abilities consumes AP, which can be restored with rest.

Gameplay Mechanics

1. Nen Training and Character Progression
   
   • Character leveling involves improving Nen control and developing Hatsu abilities.
2. Combat and Nen Conflicts
   
   • Combat includes standard D&D mechanics and strategic use of Nen.
   • Nen-enhanced attacks and defenses: Characters can use AP to enhance physical attacks or bolster defense, adding an extra layer to combat strategy.
3. Quests and Adventures
   
   • DMs craft campaigns within the "Hunter x Hunter" world, allowing exploration and interaction with familiar and new elements.

Balancing and Adaptation

1. Balancing Races and Classes
   
   • Chimera Ants might have natural advantages (like enhanced senses) but also specific weaknesses (such as susceptibility to certain Nen types).
   • Each class and sub-class should offer unique advantages and playstyles without overshadowing others.
2. Adapting Nen Abilities
   
   • Nen abilities must be balanced in power and utility, encouraging creative use without making them overpowered.
   • Regular player feedback and DM discretion will be essential for maintaining balance.
3. Skill and Ability Checks
   
   • Incorporate Nen in skill checks, where appropriate, to allow creative problem-solving using Nen abilities.

This hybrid RPG would blend the detailed world and power system of "Hunter x Hunter" with the structured gameplay of D&D 5e, offering a rich and dynamic role-playing experience. Players can explore the complexities of Nen, engage in strategic combat, and embark on diverse quests, all while navigating the morally complex and vibrant world of "Hunter x Hunter."
Merging the power system and world of "Hunter x Hunter" with the fundamentals of Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) 5th Edition could create a unique and exciting tabletop RPG experience. Here's a basic framework for how it could be done:

Character Creation

1. Races and Backgrounds: Stick to D&D's system for races and backgrounds, as these provide rich lore and diversity. However, incorporate elements from the "Hunter x Hunter" world into the backgrounds, allowing players to come from specific regions or organizations within that universe.
   
2. Classes: Replace D&D classes with "Hunter" as the primary class. Sub-classes could be based on the different types of Hunters in "Hunter x Hunter" (like Beast Hunter, Treasure Hunter, Blacklist Hunter, etc.), each with unique skills and quests.
   
3. Ability Scores: Use the standard D&D ability scores (Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma). These will influence the character's physical and mental capabilities as usual.
   

Nen System Integration

1. Nen Types: During character creation, players determine their Nen type (Enhancer, Emitter, Manipulator, Transmuter, Conjurer, Specialist). This could be chosen or determined randomly, as in the series.
   
2. Nen Abilities (Hatsu): Players develop their unique Hatsu abilities, guided by their Nen type. This replaces the magic/spellcasting system of traditional D&D. Balancing these abilities would be key to ensure gameplay remains challenging and engaging.
   
3. Aura Points (AP): Similar to spell slots in D&D, characters have Aura Points. Using Nen abilities consumes AP, which can be restored with rest.
   

Gameplay Mechanics

1. Nen Training and Challenges: Incorporate Nen training into the leveling-up process. As characters level up, they gain more control over their Nen, unlocking new capabilities or strengthening their Hatsu.
   
2. Quests and Storytelling: The DM crafts adventures within the "Hunter x Hunter" universe, allowing players to explore familiar locales and encounter characters from the series, while also introducing original plots.
   
3. Combat and Challenges: Integrate D&D's combat system, but with modifications to incorporate Nen abilities. This includes Aura defense, Nen-enhanced attacks, and strategic use of Hatsu abilities. A nen user may choose to enhance their Attack power, Speed, or defense, by covering their bodies or weapons with aura. Enhanced Attack- Choosing to put 1 or more AP into enhancing attack will grant +2 to damage for each point.
   

Enhanced Defense- Choosing to put 1 or more points into defense will subtract -2 points of damage taken for each point.
Enhanced Speed- Choosing to put 1 or more AP into speed will grant +5 movement speed, +1 to attack bonus, and +1 to AC for every two AP, because enhancing speed is much more difficult and usually only one who's ability allows for it can enhance their speed efficiently.
Enhancing such abilities uses AP but does not deplete it. tho prolonged use of aura will cause it to weaken over time. through training this can be overcome.

1. Nen Conflicts: Introduce Nen battles, which are more about outsmarting opponents with clever use of Nen abilities than just overpowering them.

Balancing and Adaptation

• Balancing Nen Abilities: Ensure that Nen abilities are balanced, allowing for creative use without overpowering characters. This might require regular adjustments and feedback from players.
  
• Adapting D&D Mechanics: Some standard D&D mechanics might need to be adapted or omitted to fit the "Hunter x Hunter" theme. For instance, traditional spellcasting doesn't fit, so classes that rely heavily on this might need reworking.
  

This hybrid game would offer the depth and complexity of D&D's role-playing and combat systems with the unique and intriguing Nen system from "Hunter x Hunter," creating a fresh and engaging experience for players familiar with either or both worlds.
In "Hunter x Hunter," each Nen user has an affinity for one of six Nen types: Enhancer, Emitter, Manipulator, Transmuter, Conjurer, and Specialist. We can assign a key ability score to each Nen type for calculating Aura Points (AP) and other Nen-related mechanics. Here's a suggested assignment:

1. Enhancer
   
   • Key Ability: Strength or Constitution
   • Rationale: Enhancers focus on reinforcing their natural physical abilities, making Strength or Constitution a natural fit.
2. Emitter
   
   • Key Ability: Charisma
   • Rationale: Emitters project their aura away from their bodies, requiring force of personality, represented by Charisma.
3. Manipulator
   
   • Key Ability: Intelligence
   • Rationale: Manipulation requires precision and understanding complex systems, aligning well with Intelligence.
4. Transmuter
   
   • Key Ability: Dexterity
   • Rationale: Transmuters alter the properties of their aura, requiring finesse and control, which Dexterity represents.
5. Conjurer
   
   • Key Ability: Wisdom
   • Rationale: Conjurers create objects out of their aura, requiring insight and strong mental discipline, qualities associated with Wisdom.
6. Specialist
   
   • Key Ability: Wisdom or Charisma
   • Rationale: Specialists have unique and varied abilities that don't fit into other categories. Wisdom or Charisma can be chosen based on the nature of the Specialist's unique ability.

Aura Points (AP) Calculation

• AP is calculated using the formula: [Character Level] + [Modifier of Key Ability Score] x 2.
• For instance, a Level 5 Enhancer with a Strength score of 16 (Modifier +3) would have an AP of 5 + (3 x 2) = 11.

Using the Key Ability Score

• The key ability score would also be used for determining the difficulty class (DC) for saving throws against Nen abilities, and for attack rolls when applicable.
• For example, if an Emitter with a Charisma modifier of +2 uses an ability that requires a target to make a saving throw, the DC would be calculated using their Charisma modifier.

This system ties the Nen type to specific D&D ability scores, enhancing the role-playing aspect by encouraging players to consider their characters' strengths and weaknesses when choosing their Nen type and developing their abilities.
Removing traditional spellcasting and replacing it with a Nen-based system is a significant change that can fully integrate the unique aspects of "Hunter x Hunter" into your D&D game. Here's how you can adapt the Aura Point (AP) system to completely replace spellcasting:

Revised Aura Point (AP) System for Nen Abilities

1. Aura Points as the Sole Power Source - All supernatural abilities, including those that would normally be spells in D&D, are now Nen abilities powered by AP. - Characters do not have spell slots but instead use AP to activate and sustain their Nen abilities.
2. Nen Ability Categories - Classify Nen abilities into tiers, similar to spell levels: Basic, Intermediate, Advanced, and Master. - The AP cost for using an ability depends on its tier: Basic (1-2 AP), Intermediate (3-5 AP), Advanced (6-8 AP), Master (9-12 AP).
3. Learning and Developing Nen Abilities - Characters learn new Nen abilities as they level up. The number and tier of abilities they can learn and use are based on their level and key ability score. - Characters can also develop custom Nen abilities in consultation with the DM, tailored to their character's development and story.
4. Aura Point Recovery - AP is fully restored after a long rest. Half of the maximum AP is restored after a short rest. - Certain items or actions in-game could also restore AP.
5. Overexertion Risks - Using more AP than the maximum can lead to overexertion, causing fatigue, reduction in maximum hit points, or other penalties. - Severe overexertion could lead to more drastic consequences, like temporary loss of Nen abilities.
6. Nen Training and Advancement - Include quests or training sessions for characters to increase their AP maximum, reduce Nen ability costs, or learn new abilities. - This system allows for character growth and the pursuit of mastery over Nen.
7. Nen-Based Defense and Attacks - Allow characters to use AP to enhance physical attacks, defense, or to perform feats like enhanced jumps, bursts of speed, etc.
8. Balancing Nen Abilities - The DM should ensure Nen abilities are balanced within the game, avoiding overpowered combinations. - Regular feedback and adjustments may be necessary based on gameplay experience.
With this revised system, Nen becomes the central mechanic for all supernatural and extraordinary abilities in the game, deeply immersing players in the "Hunter x Hunter" universe while maintaining the strategic and role-playing elements of D&D. This approach requires careful planning and balance but offers a unique and engaging gameplay experience. for the HUNTER class, the features include
Creating detailed class features and proficiencies for each Hunter class and its subclasses in a D&D 5e format requires a comprehensive approach. I'll provide a basic outline for the "Hunter" class and one subclass, the "Beast Hunter," as an example. You can use this format as a template to develop other subclasses.

Hunter Class (General Features)

Hit Points - Hit Dice: 1d10 per Hunter level - Hit Points at 1st Level: 10 + Constitution modifier - Hit Points at Higher Levels: 1d10 (or 6) + Constitution modifier per Hunter level after 1st
Proficiencies - Armor: Light armor, medium armor - Weapons: Simple weapons, martial weapons - Tools: None - Saving Throws: Dexterity, Intelligence - Skills: Choose two from Acrobatics, Survival, Investigation, Nature, Perception, Stealth
Equipment - (a) a longbow and 20 arrows or (b) any simple weapon - (a) a dungeoneer's pack or (b) an explorer's pack - Leather armor, a hunter's token, and a dagger
Features
Let's define each feature of the Hunter class in the context of a "Hunter x Hunter" and D&D 5e hybrid game:

Level 1: Nen Sensitivity

• Gain the ability to perceive and vaguely sense aura (Nen) in yourself and others.
• Provides advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks related to detecting Nen use or aura presence.

Level 1: Hunter's Expertise

• Choose two skills from the Hunter skill list. Your proficiency bonus is doubled for any ability check you make that uses either of the chosen skills.

Level 2: Nen Training (Basic Techniques)

• Learn the basic Nen techniques: Ten, Zetsu, and Ren.
• Ten allows you to defend against low-level Nen attacks.
• Zetsu lets you conceal your aura, improving stealth.
• Ren increases your aura output temporarily, enhancing physical abilities for a short time.

Level 3: Hunter Archetype

• Choose a Hunter Archetype, reflecting your specialized training as a Hunter. This choice grants you features at later levels.

Level 3: Nen Ability (Hatsu)

• Develop your unique Nen ability (Hatsu) based on your Nen type. This is a special ability you can use by spending Aura Points (AP).

Level 4: Ability Score Improvement

• Improve one ability score of your choice by 2, or two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can’t increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

Level 5: Extra Attack

• You can attack twice, instead of once, whenever you take the Attack action on your turn.

Level 6: Archetype Feature

• Gain a feature granted by your chosen Hunter Archetype.

Level 7: Nen Training (Advanced Techniques)

• Learn advanced Nen techniques that allow for more potent use of your aura, including enhanced versions of Ten, Zetsu, and Ren.

Level 8: Ability Score Improvement

• As with level 4.

Level 9: Indomitable (1 use)

• You can reroll a saving throw that you fail. If you do so, you must use the new roll, and you can’t use this feature again until you finish a long rest.

Level 10: Archetype Feature

• Gain an additional feature from your chosen Hunter Archetype.

Level 11: Improved Nen Ability

• Your Nen ability (Hatsu) becomes more potent or versatile. This could mean lower AP costs, increased effects, or additional options for its use.

Level 12: Ability Score Improvement

• As with level 4.

Level 13: Indomitable (2 uses)

• As with level 9, but you can use this feature twice between long rests.

Level 14: Archetype Feature

• Gain another feature from your chosen Hunter Archetype.

Level 15: Nen Mastery

• Gain mastery over your aura, significantly increasing your Aura Point (AP) maximum and potentially unlocking unique uses for your Nen.

Level 16: Ability Score Improvement

• As with level 4.

Level 17: Indomitable (3 uses)

• As with level 9, but you can use this feature three times between long rests.

Level 18: Archetype Feature

• Gain an additional feature from your chosen Hunter Archetype.

Level 19: Ability Score Improvement

• As with level 4.

Level 20: Hunter's Pinnacle

• Reach the pinnacle of your Hunter abilities, granting a significant, unique power or enhancement related to your Nen type and Hunter Archetype. This could be a powerful new Nen ability, a permanent increase to key stats, or another major benefit.

These features combine D&D 5e mechanics with "Hunter x Hunter" lore, offering a comprehensive and thematic progression for characters in this hybrid game.
Each subclass within the Hunter class would have similar structure, with unique abilities and features tailored to their specialization, such as Sea Hunter, Gourmet Hunter, etc. This approach keeps the balance and progression familiar to D&D 5e while integrating the unique elements of the "Hunter x Hunter" universe.

Beast Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Beast Tracking - Gain proficiency in Survival. If you already have it, double your proficiency bonus for Survival checks related to beasts. - Learn to track and identify creatures by their tracks, noises, and other signs.
Level 6: Primal Communication - Ability to communicate on a basic level with beasts and understand their intentions and emotions.
Level 10: Beast Companion - Bond with a beast you encounter, which becomes your faithful companion. - Use the Ranger's Companion feature from the Ranger class as a reference for rules and stats.
Level 14: Predator's Instinct - Gain advantage on initiative rolls in natural environments. - Can't be surprised by beast-type creatures.
Level 18: Master of Beasts - Gain the ability to temporarily control or influence the behavior of beasts through Nen.

Sea Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Aquatic Adaptation - Gain the ability to breathe underwater and a swimming speed equal to your walking speed. - Gain proficiency in Athletics. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus for Athletics checks related to swimming.
Level 6: Deep Sea Knowledge - Advantage on Nature and Survival checks related to aquatic environments. - Can identify aquatic creatures and plants and their uses or dangers.
Level 10: Pressure Resistance - Gain resistance to cold damage and ignore the effects of deep and cold water pressure.
Level 14: Master Navigator - Can never be lost at sea. Gain proficiency in Navigation tools. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus.
Level 18: Call of the Depths - Ability to summon and communicate with sea creatures, possibly enlisting their help or guidance.

Treasure Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Artifact Lore - Gain proficiency in History. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus for History checks related to artifacts and treasures. - Can identify and appraise artifacts and relics.
Level 6: Trap Sense - Gain advantage on saving throws against traps and spells that protect treasures. - Can detect the presence of traps within a 30-foot radius.
Level 10: Dungeon Delver - Move at normal speed while stealthily exploring ruins and dungeons. - Resistance to damage from traps.
Level 14: Ancient Secrets - Can decipher ancient languages and codes. Gain advantage on Intelligence checks related to ancient texts and puzzles.
Level 18: Treasure's Boon - Once per long rest, can locate a significant treasure, artifact, or hidden place within a 10-mile radius.

Music Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Harmonic Awareness - Gain proficiency in a musical instrument of your choice. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can detect mood and intentions of others through their tone and choice of words.
Level 6: Soothing Melody - Can use music to calm emotions, dispel fear, or inspire courage in others.
Level 10: Sonic Resonance - Gain resistance to thunder damage and charm effects. - Can use music to communicate simple ideas to creatures that don't speak any languages.
Level 14: Echolocation - Through focused listening, can sense the location of objects and creatures in complete darkness within a 60-foot radius.
Level 18: Symphony of Power - Once per long rest, can play a powerful melody that grants temporary hit points, cures one condition, or boosts one ability score for the duration of the performance.

Gourmet Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Culinary Expertise - Gain proficiency in Cooking tools. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can identify edible and medicinal plants and creatures, and the best ways to prepare them.
Level 6: Enhanced Taste - Can detect poisons and potions by taste. Gain advantage on saving throws against ingested poisons.
Level 10: Exotic Cuisine - Can prepare meals that grant temporary hit points or other minor benefits.
Level 14: Iron Stomach - Gain immunity to poison and disease from ingested sources.
Level 18: Culinary Masterpiece - Once per long rest, can create a meal that acts as a Greater Restoration spell or provides a significant buff to the party.

Blacklist Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Investigative Skills - Gain proficiency in Investigation. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can gather information and track targets in urban environments more efficiently.
Level 6: Interrogation Expert - Gain advantage on Insight and Intimidation checks when interrogating.
Level 10: Criminal Network - Can establish contacts and gather information from criminal sources. Gain advantage on Charisma checks when dealing with criminals.
Level 14: Expert Tracker - Gain the ability to track targets over long distances, even across different terrains.
Level 18: Master of Justice - Once per long rest, can discern the truth of any statement or determine the location of a person or object related to your investigation.

Medical Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Medical Knowledge - Gain proficiency in Medicine. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can stabilize a dying creature as a bonus action.
Level 6: Herbalist - Can identify and create medicinal herbs and potions. Gain proficiency in Herbalism Kit.
Level 10: Healer's Touch - Can use a pool of healing points to restore hit points equal to 5 times your Hunter level. As an action, can touch a creature to restore any number of these points.
Level 14: Disease Resistance - Gain immunity to disease and advantage on saving throws against effects that cause illness.
Level 18: Lifesaver - Once per long rest, can perform a healing action that acts as a Resurrection spell without needing material components.

Archaeological Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Ancient Lore - Gain proficiency in History. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can identify and interpret historical artifacts, ruins, and texts.
Level 6: Ruins Delver - Gain advantage on saving throws made to avoid or resist traps and natural hazards in ancient ruins and dungeons.
Level 10: Relic Hunter - Can sense the presence of significant historical artifacts within a 1-mile radius.
Level 14: Cryptographer - Gain the ability to decipher ancient codes and languages, and unlock magical inscriptions.
Level 18: Guardian's Favor - Once per long rest, can invoke ancient powers for protection or insight, granting advantage on a series of checks or resisting a powerful magical effect.

Information Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Network of Contacts - Gain proficiency in Persuasion. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can establish a network of informants to gather information more effectively.
Level 6: Codebreaker - Gain advantage on Intelligence checks to intercept and decipher secret messages and codes.
Level 10: Eavesdropper - Gain the ability to listen in on conversations or sounds from great distances or through barriers.
Level 14: Master of Disguise - Can create disguises that allow blending into almost any environment or society. Advantage on checks made to maintain a disguise.
Level 18: Omnipresent Knowledge - Once per long rest, can gain detailed knowledge about a person, place, or object that is not commonly known or easily accessible.

Lost Hunter Subclass

Level 3: Expert Tracker - Gain proficiency in Survival. If already proficient, double the proficiency bonus. - Can track creatures and people across various terrains, and can discern the passage of time since their passing.
Level 6: Urban Tracker - Adapted to tracking in urban environments, can navigate and gather information in cities efficiently.
Level 10: Sixth Sense - Gain a limited ability to sense the direction of a sought person or object within a 5-mile radius.
Level 14: Path Finder - Can create shortcuts or find the most efficient paths through natural and urban landscapes.
Level 18: Find the Lost - Once per long rest, can locate exactly a lost person or item, regardless of distance or barriers, as long as they are on the same plane of existence.
These subclass features provide specialized skills and abilities that align with the unique roles and expertise of each type of Hunter, allowing for a rich role-playing experience within the "Hunter x Hunter" and D&D 5e hybrid framework. Players can choose a path that best suits their interests and play style, diving deep into the diverse world of "Hunter x Hunter." . If anyone has any suggestions or questions please let me know. Also if you want the full chat gpt prompt you can DM me

So I just finally finished LF a few days ago (after rotting on the library waitlist for months!), and I was really pleasantly surprised by the way Tanaka was written. Now part of that is just that I'm a big sucker - as both a reader and a writer - for taking apart characters who are irredeemable bastards and seeing what makes them tick. I was really curious to see other fans' takes on her, and it looks like she was pretty polarizing as a POV characters - some of you guys, like me, really loved to hate her (and maybe even dip a tentative toe into feeling sorry for her), and some of you just plain hated her (and that's fine - some people prefer being able to like their POV characters. I'm not one of those people). However, I haven't seen anyone really say much about the significance of her interest in (love of, really) art and art history. So I wanna talk a little about that.
The takes I've seen have largely come down to either, "It didn't fit with her character and felt really random," which I'm about to disagree with HARD, or "It served as a device to show that there was more to her that meets the eye, and that she could have gone down a completely different path." This one, I agree with, but I also think there's a lot more to it.
(1) So let's talk about why art history specifically. Why not something else seemingly 180 degrees away from being a Marine, like gardening or culinary science? As an artist who takes myself unapologetically seriously, I have had a lot of conversations with an artist friend of mine lately about the intimacy of art. Art is both an expression of individuality and a vehicle of profound, often terrifying, connection. The former is what Tanaka regards as the core of her being, while the latter is anathema to her. She is drawn to art precisely because it exists in a space of tension between her comfort zone and her deepest fears. It is the razor edge that she loves to walk.
I've said before that I think of art as a form of telepathy - you are trying to capture something inside your own mind and externalize it in a way that it is transmitted into the mind of another person. When Tanaka begins experiencing this very literally in a manner she can't control, it's her worst nightmare. But she loves art because it is a version of this that she can control. It's an outlet for her to fulfill the fundamentally human need for connection when it's never been safe (both literally and psychologically) for her to do so through any other means. She learned that as a child when she sought a hug and got a slap in the face instead.
A number of the art pieces she contemplates are emotionally intense. The Third Miko in particularly is memorable because it is a heavy piece, full of vulnerability and grief and dread. These are the kinds of pieces that not only did the artist have to rip themselves open and pour their soul into in order to produce, but the audience is required to do the same to some extent in order to fully experience them. Turning soul-crushing sadness into usable rage isn't alchemy - it's more like a refinement process; it takes a lot of energy, and there is a lot of waste runoff that still has to go somewhere. For Tanaka, that's where it goes. That's the safe place to put it. Inside of someone else's pain, where no one will ever know it's yours.
(2) The other thing I wanted to talk about hinges on a "blink and you miss it" detail that, for me at least, completely reframed the whole picture regarding the "two roads diverged" aspect of Tanaka's life, and that's the casually dropped revelation that she never actually had a choice in the first place. The way this was written, I'm absolutely certain it was a very deliberate choice by JSAC to undermine the assumptions we as readers had been previously led to make.
The "two roads" framing comes up explicitly three times in the book. The first time is in Chapter 24: "Tanaka hadn’t thought about that painting in decades, or about what a very different life she would have lived if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." The next mention is in Chapter 31, when Dr. Ahmadi is reviewing Tanaka's file. She says, "You refused an advanced scholarship in order to enlist." Both of these references frame it very explicitly as a choice. But then, a few pages later, it's revealed that it actually wasn't: "If Aunt Akari had let her study art history instead of enlisting in active service, where would she be right now? And who would be tracking down the high consul? What else—how many thousands of other things—would be different?" (emphasis mine).
This detail and the way it was just slipped in there actually made me feel terribly sad for her because it reveals that this was, in fact, never where she wanted to be at all. This is more a matter of interpretation, but my takeaway was that the whole thing about her preferring a repressive society might be less the truth and more of a narrative she tells herself because she has spent her entire life deprived of any kind of real agency. It's true that someone who has never experienced life outside a pressure cooker environment might rapidly decompress like a blobfish upon being removed from it (I'm reminded of the memoir The Girl With Seven Names, where the author's mother and brother can't adapt to life outside of North Korea and want to go back), but that's less about being naturally well-suited to it and more about being deeply and maybe irreversibly maladapted.
When Tanaka tells herself she loves life under the boot because it gives her something to push back against, she's making the best of a bad situation by pretending her lack of agency is actually just a really sophisticated form of agency. It's because the only love she has ever known is the threat of consequences (the alternative being complete apathy). It's the same mentality that makes abuse victims blame themselves - because, in some ways, the version of events where you were totally helpless and at the mercy of others is more distressing than the version where you brought it upon yourself through your own choices and actions. Wanting (and presumably asking her aunt's permission) to study art history, only to be forced to enlist in the marines instead is just another variation of her reaching for a hug and getting a slap. But if someone cares enough to slap you in the face, at least that means they care, right? It also made me wonder what was meant earlier by "if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." What does she tell herself she could have done differently to change a fate that was never in her hands to begin with?
TL;DR Tanaka loves art because it's the only way she can safely experience human connection, and it's implied she actually would have chosen to study art history if her aunt hadn't forced her to enlist.

When deciding to write this, I had to reconcile an issue; how do I advertise myself to you when I don't actually like who I am right now? The best answer I could come to was that I should just be open and hope that it resonates with someone :)
So I'll say all the boring stuff now to get it out of the way; I'm a 24 y/o living in Sydney, working in accounts. I'm 6'2, average body size, caucasian with brown hair and eyes. I'm happy to trade pics to verify if we click too. In terms of what I'm looking for physically, I'm not too picky at all. In fact, the only preference I have is that you aren't heavily overweight (chubby is fine!). Although that said, I suppose if you must know my 'type', it's girls with glasses.
So a bit more about me; I'm a bit of a nerd. I read manga in my spare time, I play video games when I can (games like ck3, hollow knight, Pokemon, those kinds of games, not so much COD or CS:GO) and I like a bunch (and hate a bunch) of Marvel movies. I also to play sports, used to play Aussie Rules and basketball in high school and now soccer in a Sunday league. So it'd be really nice to meet someone I can talk to about the hobbies we share, although I doubt we NEED to have hobbies in common if we click, it's just a bonus I think. That said I would love to discord and chill if we click, maybe watch some anime or play a game together?
I also wanna write a little bit about why I'm posting on here, I want to be fully open about my desires and aspirations from this post. I'm quite an introvert, although I tend to open up around a bit around friends. Speaking of which, I don't have too many of them. I have just a few close friends and that's pretty much it. I'd love that special someone to end up being my best friend, as cliche as that sounds. Someone I can just be myself with, who loves me for who I am, again quite cliche I suppose. I do have troubles really opening myself up to new people, and part of deciding to post this is with the goal of getting better at talking to strangers (although hopefully we're not strangers for long :). Hopefully you're someone that lives close enough that we could consider meeting if we really like each other.
So yeah, that's about it I think. Thanks for reading all the way through this, hopefully I didn't just ramble. If you happen to somehow like anything in this post, feel free to message, my dms are open :)

Keep the bio short and simple. You’ll draw a bigger crowd. If you only have one good photo of yourself, only post one photo. No need to show the bad ones.
Photos of you smiling and looking straight at the camera. No fish photos, no hunting photos, no bathroom photos. Yes photos with dogs and (maybe) cats.
Be genuine about yourself and what you're looking for. Be funny and positive! (Just like you wouldn't swipe right on someone who just made a list of things they hate - don't be that person)
When you make a match and go on a date, LISTEN to them. Ask genuine questions - don't just talk about yourself.
Don't be discouraged. The online dating things can suck, especially when everyone is being mercenary. Folks are still feeling vulnerable after a global catastrophic event, and putting yourself out there is hard.
Some good tips here but i don't fully agree on the bio part. It's not an absolute in ny opinion. Of you don't really have a type you want to attract or just want to be with a 'normal' girl than most certainly go ahead and keep it short and sweet! If you want to be with a certain type of women than cater your bio to that. My bio is very long but it ensures i get matched mostly with girls who match my type. It takes much longer but it's more fulfilling imo.
With over 10 million daily active users, Tinder is one of the most popular and successful dating apps. It’s all about first impressions because people have no choice but to judge you by your photos and the limited information you provide on your bio. Undeniably, Tinder is driven by appearances - as superficial, it may sound.
It is worth noting that Tinder is different for men and women. An interesting Tinder experiment conducted by the Youtube channel ‘whatever’ clearly illustrates this gender disparity. They created two profiles using photos of attractive male and female models. Further, their information was identical regarding age, location and number of pictures. After 1,000 swipes, they discovered that a female profile matched 70% of the time, while a male profile only received 27% of matches. Additionally, the female profile received almost 400 messages in a short period while the male profile only received 28 messages in his inbox.
While the tinder game is different for men and women, the fundamentals of a good tinder profile are the same. Here they are:

1. Use a simple bio

A few words are fine - Words that display who you really are. Don’t try to go overboard with your quirkiness and don’t try to be funny. Most importantly, be yourself and do not leave this section blank.

1. Show your personality through pictures

Choose three to six photos that clearly represent your personality and everyday lifestyle. Make sure there is a mix of head shots, body shots and if you are adventurous, include an active photo - But in all, do not include selfies. Research shows that outdoorsy photos get 19% more swipes, and selfies get 8% fewer swipes. Mainly, you want to highlight your best features. Remember, you main Tinder profile picture can make all the difference.

1. Have good-quality photos

Avoid any blurry, poorly cropped, highly edited photos and heavily filtered photos. You should show what you really look like. Making it highly edited and heavily filtered will make it look like you are hiding something and insecure.

1. Avoid too many group photos

Your prospective matches are not going to waste time analysing ten different images, trying to decipher which one out of the group photo is you. In saying this, avoid photos involving you with your ex partners or people from the opposite sex. In general. In fact, 96% of these photos receive a negative reaction. Although having group photos show you are social, you don’t want your potential match to play ‘Where’s Wally?’, now do you?

1. Smile

According to OkCupid data, women who flirt directly into the camera receive the most messages. On the other hand, men that look away and not smiling receive more attention. Maybe it's because it gives a sense of mysteriousness about them. But don’t go deleting all your non-smiling pictures. Choosing what photo you want as your main is an important choice. Smiling is attractive for both genders and will make you look for genuine and inviting.

1. Highlight your best features

Let’s be honest - This is Tinder. If you have a good body, don’t be afraid to accentuate it - don’t make it too obvious though! In saying this, it is best for someone to take it for you. However, as aforementioned, have a mix of photos and not just photos of your body. Although these photos will get you messages, it may not potentially lead to an ‘actual conversation’, well not in comparison with other photos anyways. This is why you should display photos that represent you to receive more meaningful messages.

1. Get Feedback

Get your friends to choose their favourite photos and rank them from best to worse. Once you find some consistency, you would be able to have an idea on what kind of photos you want to display.

1. Use a professional

Most of the time, an iPhone just isn’t going to cut it. So unless your bestie or roommate has a DSLR camera and some time to lend you, getting an affordable professional is a good idea. A professional will direct your shoot to ensure that all of the above eight points are covered, as well as ensuring that all of the technical details like lighting are met.

Life was perfectly normal and mundane until the day I inherited the Magic 8 Ball from a distant relative who had recently passed away. At first, it seemed like a quirky keepsake, a relic of childhood nostalgia. But as I held it in my hands one overcast evening, an unsettling feeling crept over me. There was something off about it, a strange, almost ominous vibe that seemed to emanate from its old, worn surface. I glanced at my wife, blissfully unaware, sitting across the room. Our love had always felt like a sanctuary, yet now, this seemingly innocuous toy had introduced an inexplicable sense of dread into our home. It just felt off, like something not meant to induce tension into the air but certainly did at the time. I never mentioned it to Anna since the evening was beautiful, and the mood was full of anticipation for the upcoming playoff game. We were looking forward to some good old hockey. As a joke, I asked the Magic 8 Ball if our home team was going to win the game, chuckling at the childish stupidity that brought back fond memories of my youth.
“Cannot say now,” the 8 Ball in my calloused hand read a few seconds later.
I wasn't surprised by the answer, knowing it was just a toy with a limited set of responses. Maybe I'd ask it again during the first intermission, I thought to myself. As the puck dropped, the game started with a few penalties and a goal against us just before the initial 20 minutes of the period ended. I had almost forgotten about the toy relic that had been passed down to me recently. As the first intermission progressed, I picked up the 8 Ball again and asked if our team would win against the opposing team.
“Certainly, it will be legendary,” I read after a short pause.
Initially, I thought it was an odd answer, but what did I know? It was probably made in the '60s when people were a bit more open-minded to quirky responses. I smiled at Anna and showed her the response. She found it funny, and her laugh, as always, became the highlight of the moment. Her laughter has always been the center point of my love and affection for her, making her the undeniable lead honcho in any group she’s a part of. During the 2nd and 3rd periods, we witnessed our home team not only tie the game but score an additional 4 goals in rapid succession against the opposing team. It was not only legendary as the 8 Ball predicted, but it also sent the stadium into a roaring frenzy. Later, it was said that the noise level matched that of an Airbus A-220.
"It seems the Magic 8 Ball helped me win my $20 bet on our home team," I said confidently to my wife. "Probably just by chance, but who knows? I could use it to predict Friday's lottery numbers."
She smiled and told me to give it a shot, but I knew it was futile. Just like trying not to wake Anna up while leaving for work, it always ended with her sensing the creaking floorboards. About a few days had passed before we ended up having a heated argument about the dreaded topic of having kids in the future, I of course never want the sobbing, snot wheezing kids that take up 150% of your future time and life that could be used for retirement time in Hawaii. But, of course, she had bipolar opposite views on the topic. She wanted kids, perhaps to sow our six-year marriage back together. I, on the other hand, was dead set against it, feeling as if she were trying to force feed me a hefty dose of the plague. At the time, I had just stormed out of the room to cool off and muttered something I still regret to this day.
“Damn it, when will Anna's obsession with having kids ever end?” I grumbled to myself in frustration.
Suddenly, the 8 ball I’d left in the den flashed with a bright white light, like a screen turning on. Just as quickly, the flash disappeared, replaced by a simple message on its black surface.
“Soon enough, Derrick,” the ball read, almost mockingly.
My focus shifted from Anna's relentless talk about kids to the unnerving fact that the 8 ball not only knew my name but also had an answer for such a ridiculous question. I hadn’t even touched the thing—don’t you need to shake it for it to work? At this point, I was tempted to toss that relic into the trash and be done with it, but being a bit stubborn, I decided to let the demonic thing be and left it to its own devices. A few days had passed, and Anna and I had made up after our brief argument on that chilly Tuesday afternoon when I got home from work. She promised to hold off on bringing it up again for a while and to let me consider our options going forward. Life has been running smoothly again, and our home hockey team won their semi-finals match today, heading to the finals. Anna and I are caught up in the excitement of tomorrow night's game and are pretty pleased with how this year has gone, especially with our 7th anniversary just around the corner!
Work has been dragging lately, and I find myself just wanting to fast-forward to the day I wake up next to Anna and kiss her passionately on our long-awaited 7th anniversary, which is now just a few days away. As for the 8 ball of unknown origin, it's still just sitting dormant in the den. To be honest, I'm quite surprised it hasn't detonated or flashbanged me again whenever I step in there to grab some work files on clients. But no, it just sits there menacingly, waiting to tell me something I don't want to hear.
Anna and I had planned a special outing for our 7th anniversary. We decided to visit our favorite local donut shop around noon. As we prepared to leave, I grabbed the old magic 8 ball, intending to throw it away on the way there. As we approached the intersection on 136th street, the light was red. With a playful smile, I asked the 8 ball one last question.
"Will the light turn green soon?" I asked, grinning at my overjoyed wife.
"Unfortunately, yes," the 8 ball replied.
I showed Anna the response, and she chuckled, thinking the toy wanted us to be stuck at the red light. When the light turned green, we started to cross the intersection. Suddenly, Anna gasped and clutched her chest. I managed to swerve to the side of the road just in time to avoid an oncoming car. I pulled over, my heart pounding, and turned to her in panic.
"Anna, what's wrong?" I asked, fear gripping me.
"I don't know," she whispered, her face pale and sweaty. "I just feel... so weak."
I rushed her to the hospital, where doctors ran a series of tests. After what felt like an eternity, they diagnosed her with a rare and severe illness. The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt the world spinning around me. For the next few weeks, Anna's condition worsened. I spent every moment by her side, watching helplessly as she battled the illness. The magic 8 ball sat untouched in the den, its last message haunting me.
"Unfortunately, yes," it had said.
Despite the grim prognosis, Anna showed that sickness can't stop her indominable human spirit. We took things one day at a time, finding solace in each other's company. Our 7th anniversary passed quietly in the hospital, but it was a day filled with love rather than despair. As the weeks turned into months, Anna's condition slowly worsened. The doctors were hoping it would get better eventually.
One day, I decided to confront the magic 8 ball. I picked it up and asked, "Will Anna get better?"
The answer floated to the surface: "Signs point to no."
I refused to showed Anna the response, it would only make things worse. We placed the 8 ball back on the shelf, as a relic of doomful honesty, but as a symbol of the future and the past. Our journey wasn't over yet, I have to spend as much time with her before she departs.

I genuinely don't know what to do in this situation. I can't tell if I have issues or what, but I feel like a monster for how I am feeling right now. I'm on my last year of high school before I go to college, so, I think I need to unload some stuff here right now. This might be a long vent, but here it goes.
Way before my mom got cancer, me and her have a very complicated relationship, you know, the typical teenager and traditional, old school parents kinda thing. Understandably, I'm known to be a lazy, spoiled, arrogant, and selfish kid, who doesn't give a shit about anybody else except for himself. Since I was younger, that was how I was raised, I had everything already ready on my hands. Besides that, I have some attention/ focus issues, as I would daydream unusually way too much and I have low understanding skills, thus always getting left behind by my classmates. I have high self-awareness on my flaws, and that is part of the problem.
My mother has always been strict with me and my older brother, for a good reason. She grew up very.poor and had to work hard for decades to get to where we are. This took a massive toll on her health, as she now has an autoimmune condition and her body had been failing her. I always considered my brother to the favorite child, because he's the smartest, most diligent, and loyal kid in the family -- unlike me. My mom has always claimed that she loves us all equally, but she always compares me to my brother, and even my friends, who are always winning trophies and getting top grades in school. I never won a trophy or medal before, and never got the top grades.
School was always something I struggled with. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD but I haven't confirmed yet. I tried asking my mom if I could perhaps see a doctor or try to get her attention on my problems, but my mom is the type of parents that doesn't believe in mental health and just called me a "lazy, selfish, brat". She uses the claim that "You haven't suffered before, there are others having worst than you" and etc. She brushes away my problems, claiming them to be a negative flaw of mine. Not only that, she is also homophobic, much to the dismay of my closeted self. I know about my flaws and I've been trying to better myself, but because of the things that I did, my mother has zero trust in me and continued to treat me as if I was going to do something bad again.
Because of this, thoughts of suicide and even more violent thoughts arrived. There were many times where I had attempted to do it, but I was too much of a coward, another flaw that my mom pointed out. Quarantine took a massive impact on me and I have felt like absolute shit. My mind became so down in the deeps, that I even developed an unhealthy addiction to something that I am too ashamed to mention here, but just so you know, it is something that ruined my life, relationships and my sleep. Nobody knows that I have this addiction.
Then, at one point, I broke down and told my mom about my issues and how I attempted suicide. But all she did was brush it off and used those same words again, and then it became a joke. Since then, my emotions went from sad and utterly depressed, to just full on anger and hatred. Me and my mom would get into more frequent arguments and such, but it was nothing too big and wasn't that much. But that all changed a few months back.
A few months back, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It broke her and the family apart. I hated seeing my mom in this condition, always in pain, crying and screaming because of the painful medicine and treatment, and just, she was in absolute pain. But she still continued work from the early morning until the late of evening, just to support us. I tried doing my best to help her, but she told to just "focus on my studies and graduate". I even offered to find a job or something besides school, but she told me that it was stupid and that a child shouldn't have to do this. My mom still cares about me, despite the fact that she was slowly dying.
However, perhaps because of the treatment and the fact that she doesn't have much time left. my mother became much more angrier. Everyday now, she would shout and berate people, from waiters in restaurants, the entire family (even my grandparents), my father, and me. My brother is living abroad in a different country, which means that he doesn't understand what's happening on home, which is why I couldn't talk much about my mom with him because he always assumes I'm overreacting.
Eventually, all that anger and frustration that my mom felt, all came down to me. She would take out it out me verbally and emotionally, by berating me, screaming at me in public, and calling me all sorts of terrible things. She wants to see me become perfect and succeed, thus why, I believe she was being super strict with me. I stopped fighting back with her and I just endured all the anger, as I knew that if I retorted, she would die quicker.
However, I guess the breaking point was an argument in the hospital. There was a miscommunication between me and her, which led to the worst berating of my life. She called me a "heartless brat" and "a piece of shit", and claimed that I don't love her and I only want her alive for the money. I couldn't take it anymore so I shouted back, and told her that I wish I was never born to be her child, and then I stormed out from the hospital, unable to keep myself calm any longer.
And now since then, our relationship has been growing more complicated. Some days, she would be fine and happy to be with me and the rest of the family. But on most days, she would just explode. The berating got worse with me, especially how she told me that she would rather die than see me become a failure. I have also grown more violent, as I would now punch or hit my head on the walls, and I wanted to kill myself not because of my depression, but because of pure anger and spite at everything. I started treating everybody like shit, always getting angry at them and secretly feeling hatred and envy towards my friends. I had thoughts of beating people up or hurting others physically, and some more violent thoughts, but I just couldn't find the right chance to do that. I even planned my suicide and secretly wrote a note, ready to use it when the time comes.
As I am typing this now, me and my mom had another big fight regarding a schoolwork of mine. In one of our classes, we were supposed to have some kind of project fair, basically presenting our essay. It was supposed to tomorrow, but the dumbass, boring teacher that everybody hates moved it to Tuesday -- the day that me, my family, and mom will be going out of the country to treat my mom at an advanced hospital. The teacher then claimed that for those who did not show up, they will get a zero. The teacher is known to hate teaching his students, doesn't bother to make the class engaging, and would give people low scores no matter what. Because of this, my mom had to admit about her cancer to the teacher and why I should present tomorrow, instead of Tuesday. My teacher luckily agreed and I would be presenting it tomorrow alone, which is fine. My mom emailed me the message about that news. However, I accidentally misread something in the message, which would become a terrible fault of mine. Today, when my mom was talking the project to me, there was a word that I didn't recognize and tried to ask what she meant. This exploded her and she screamed, berated me for the entire afternoon, because I had misread one word.
Now, I have locked myself up in my bedroom, typing this. I want to just jump out from my window and end it there. My mom always told me that the reason for her cancer, was because of me. So if I just end myself now, I don't think my mom will be in pain anymore. I know my mom doesn't mean what she said, but words hurt a lot more than anything. I want to get out of here, but at the same time, I want to stay. If I try to talk about this with my mom, she'll just berate me again and call me ungrateful again. I think I'm in my breaking point and I don't know what to do. I hate myself, and I want to end it. I can't take it anymore.
Am I being selfish? I'm sorry that this is a long vent, I just need to release some steam. I love my mom so much and she has made so many sacrifices, just to feed us and build a roof over our heads. I want to help her, but I am genuinely conflicted. Hopefully one day, I can resolve our relationship. I don't know what to do. I just want my mom to understand me.

The most effective study methods for academic success boil down to:
Time management
There are countless time management techniques, but one beautiful thing about going to school is that a lot of your time is managed for you.
The week and when you need to be in class is arranged.
Professors tell you when assignments are due, etc.
Heck, when I was in university they even gave us calendars for use to write in our due dates.
So the number one thing is to combine what you know with the tools everyone has: the calendar.
In many cases, you can also get advanced notices from professors by simply talking to them before the semester even begins.
You would also do well to explore techniques like the Eisenhower Matrix, time blocking and the Pareto Principle.
Above all, make time management something you study unto itself.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach. But those who study it as the discipline it is will win.
Study Environment Optimization
Studying effectively cannot be random or subject to interruptions.
If you have to study on transit, invest in custom ear plugs of the kind musicians use, not noise-cancelling headphones that will put you at risk in the case of an emergency. Custom ear plugs have filters that let you still hear without being bothered by shrill noises and you can switch between light and heavy filters.
Having multiple study locations worked out in advance is a great strategy because you can walk between them and percolate your thoughts – literally remembering more by simply getting in a bit of exercise. I used to call this "Road Work" when I was in university.
When at home, put a "Do not disturb" sign on your door. Make it clear to others that you are studying and train them to respect the hours you want to put it. Do not compromise. It's your future.
Note-Taking Strategies
There are many different kinds of note-taking methods. My fave is to use Zettelkasten in combination with Memory Palaces.
These two videos detail how the Zettelkasten Method operates in combination with the Memory Palace technique:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIQRiqQFKQY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrN0kaE6DkY
Memory techniques
Like time management, the topic of memory improvement is huge. Make sure to spend a good three months learning all of its ins-and-outs.
The key techniques you'll want to master are:
The Memory Palace A Alphabet System (or pegword system) A Number System (usually based on the Major System) A Symbol System A Spaced Repetition system
These accelerated learning techniques may feel like you're building an airport in the beginning, but think about it:
You do need airports to launch and land planes as effectively and efficiently as possible. It's the same with memory techniques.
You can also do yourself a favor and learn more about memory science. It will teach you about how the mind and memory work and give you ideas that will only arise if you know a little bit about what researchers have found.
Stress Management For Students
Don't make my mistake. I drank like a fish and ate poorly throughout university. This meant that a lot of the experience was lost to depression.
Sure, memory techniques helped… but I can't help but imagine how much more successful I would have been during and after if I'd had better ways of coping with the stress.
Diet, fitness, mindfulness practices, time off with friends for positive and healthy recreation. This is not complicated, though when you're young, impulsivity can certainly make it seem that way.
Exam Preparation Strategies
This basically comes back to properly using your calendar and memory techniques.
For the benefits of what is sometimes called state-dependent or context-dependent memory, it can be useful to study where you will take your exams. It's advisable to use Memory Palaces based on these exam rooms whenever possible.
(Those terms are the kinds of insider memory hacks you'll enjoy only when you understand your memory science, and there are many more that can help you with your exam prep.)
Take mock tests as much as you can. Reflect on what you're learning often. Talk about it with other students.
Don't cram and avoid wasting time on the fantasy that there are any "subject-specific study tips." Maybe if you're in nursing school and need to have patient bodies in specific position, but generally tests are about words, numbers and symbols. Learn how to commit them to memory and talk as much as you can about the information so it is well-exercised before you sit for your exams.
Form Effective Study Groups
There are many benefits to group study if you can select solid group members. This can be tricky, but one way to do it involves a slightly involved strategy:
Try to be part of a club or association. I was president of the English Undergraduate Student Association at York University in Toronto, for example. This drew precisely the right people because anyone who wanted to be part of the association already loved English Literature by default.
After you find the right members, it's just a matter of scheduling regular meetings based on decent agendas and following reasonable time limits so you don't burn out.
One thing my fave study group in university did a lot was to share reading. In other words, we'd each tackle an article or book and then present on it.
Ultimately, you still have to do the reading yourself, but it forms a nice mental framework that makes reading faster and easier when someone you can speak with has summarized the core ideas. These days, you can search YouTube and podcasts for this kind of summarization much of the time, but it's still not the same as being in a study group with other people.
You also get experience with peer teaching and tutoring this way, which is hugely beneficial for your memory. Even if you never intend to teach yourself, the simple effort that goes into preparing and delivering short presentations will benefit you in the short-term for your exams and long-term in your career. Collaborative learning also gives you something powerful to put on your resume, especially if your study group is linked with a formal university institution or group.
Work On Your Reading And Comprehension Skills
The main shortcut here is to simply read a lot, boost your vocabulary as you go by memorizing terms and write summaries as much as you can.
Doesn't sound like a shortcut, I know. But it really is. It helps develop pattern recognition and that's how you ultimately wind up quickly assessing the key points and inferring many things correctly.
Be humble, though. Mistakes will always happen, so be willing to go back and read things again.
Another key aspect of reading is to challenge yourself. Get outside of your comfort zone and read above your level at least a few times a week.
Don't worry about whether you understand what you're reading or not. Soon, moments of insight will arise.
Even if it doesn't happen soon, rest assured that will. There are aspects of philosophy that didn't come clear to me until after 30 years of reading. I'm not ashamed of this at all. I just haven't read and reflected enough to connect the dots. But if I had read above my level sooner, I probably would have had the insights sooner.
Motivation and Discipline
Technically, motivation is not necessary when you have systems. That's what discipline is all about.
That said, it's useful to know about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. These will be arranged differently in different people as some people respond well to threats of pain whereas others respond better to promises of reward.
Know thyself.
Hire a coach if you have to, as it will be worth it in the end. Many exist and some universities have behavioral science programs, learning disability labs and other institutions where you can learn more directly about these issues.
Finally, you can learn about the difference between tonic and phasic dopamine relative to how the Default Mode Network of your brain is in a kind of battle with the Task Positive Network. This area is kind of heavy on the brain science, but well worth an afternoon or two to figure out the implications in your life.
Just watch out: When optimizing your dopamine levels for motivation, you could wind up enlightened and have your ego make you think you're better than everyone else… which would not be enlightenment. But it'll sure feel that way.
That's why the next category is so important.
Make Time To Learn Critical Thinking
A lot of education involves humans who weigh what they teach and how they teach it based on subjective agendas. It's pretty difficult for anyone not to do that.
When you spend some time developing your critical thinking skills, you'll be able to determine when teachers and writers/video creators, etc. are being too subjective or otherwise slaves to any number of cognitive biases.
Likewise, you'll be able to spot them in yourself and weed many of them out before they can distract you.
The simplest way to use critical thinking while studying is to put Why, Where, When, Who and How up on a Memory Wheel and constantly rotate through it.
As you learn more about different thinkers, you can also start to ask, "What would Freud say about this? What would Skinner say? What would x say?"
To do this, study as many of the sciences and Liberal Arts as you possibly can. If you don't know where to start, go through the Trivium and then the Quadrivium. Knowing how to think through those seven lenses and ask what the major figures in each field would generally say will help you "triangulate" just about any issue and think both objectively and subjectively about it and know which is which.
Self-Assessment And Improvement
Ultimately, the best judge of your progress is you.
To make sure you're giving yourself good materials to judge yourself by, journal, ideally daily.
If you can, keep two journals:
A snapshot journal that simply lists what you did on a particular day.
A discursive journal where you reflect on your thoughts about how things went.
There are many formal products you can buy that will help you journal in particular ways. The Freedom Journal has been one of my faves, but the real tip is to experiment with as many journaling styles as you can in the two main styles I just mentioned.
As you can tell, there's not that much when it comes to embracing a wide number of learning strategies. Apply these tips to the study resources you need to cover on your way to the exam room and you'll do well.
Take Care Around Technology And Studying
There are tons of apps that can help "gamify" these activities, but at the end of the day, gamification is really just a mental metaphor. If it doesn't work for you, find a better metaphor.
Nir Eyal discussion the power of mental metaphors based on some research in Indistractable and more on the matter is found in The Victorious Mind by yours truly. There was even recently a Duke University study showing just how powerful adopting mental metaphors can be for remembering information.
Academic success can indeed be enjoyable, and all the more so when you work out what will make it enjoyable and meaningful for you. Personalize as much of the journey as you can, constantly applying critical thinking to every suggestion you come across and all of your study experiences will become much, much more rewarding.

Inebriated Conversations

After eight long and grueling hours, we began our rapid descent from the heavens. I never really got the: “did it hurt when you fell from heaven” pickup line until we hit the tarmac. The force of the impact nearly knocked my head into the seat in front of me, so fuck yeah, it hurt when I fell from heaven. I’d imagine even Lucifer himself had a softer landing than we did. He also didn’t have to endure the stomach churning and nauseating food that was served on the plane, but I digress, at least we had finally reached our destination. A land not so far away that only varied in appearance, but the truth was this mystical and magical land, deep down, was no different from the place I grew up or attend college. As I waited in purgatory, the security line, I began wondering if I was dreaming. Was I really in London or even a different country for that matter? The line, which seemed so much longer than the European and the U.K., line was filled with fellow Americans. Perhaps they are still acrimonious about us beating them in the Revolutionary War, so they decided that this was ample punishment for our victory. Whatever the case, we finally made it through security, then collected our bags. I saw my relatively new bag with the bowtie on the handle and was relieved that it had not been lost or left in the United States. We met our tour guide, Emma, who at first glance seemed to be very different. She had an unusual hair cut that was much shorter than ones most woman her age would have, but I soon learned that her appearance, much like London’s, would not be any indication of what lies beyond. When we finally escaped from limbo, the airport, we were put on a coach bus, and taken to our hotel. I was exhausted and in need of a shower, but all I could do was drop my luggage off, then swiftly return to the lobby. As we stood outside in the crisp, refreshing air, we were handed our subway passes, or as they say, “tube passes.” We followed our guide, Emma, on a short walk to the underground. When our group finally descended the stairs and made our way to the map, a map Virgil couldn’t even navigate, we began our journey that involved the same punishment as those afforded to people in the eighth level of hell. We walked endlessly, 10.6 miles, and viewed the most popular tourist attractions London had to offer. I was surrounded by beautiful statues, fantastic architecture, and attractive people whose dialect could captivate almost anyone. At first, like everyone else, I was completely and utterly captivated by it all, because it was a completely different world. Our group finished the day with a mile and a half walk to the Globe Theatre, where we saw Shakespeare’s play, Comedy of Errors. My fellow students and I stood, as our professors sat comfortably watching the play. During the production, all I could think about was my numb legs and my aching feet. I tried drowning the pain with a few glasses of overly priced and nasty wines, but my attempt was to no avail. For once in my life, I knew what it was like to experience actual physical agony, not just the tedious and never-ending emotional kind. It wasn’t the lake of fire or some frozen wasteland, but that shit was still excruciating. After the play, we struggled to find a new passageway to the hot and crowded underworld, the tube, but luckily, I had service on my phone, so we found it. We finally made it back to the hotel around eleven in the evening. After a long day of flying and an excess of walking, I had never been as excited as I was to climb into a bed that was, quite frankly, too small for my six-foot-five physique. To anyone reading this, don’t worry, I’m not planning on giving a day to day synopsis of what I saw while I was abroad, because the sights aren’t what truly matter. I mean, I could just rant about Buckingham Palace and its beauty, Windsor Castle and its enormous layout, the Tower of London and its history, the Natural History Museum and its priceless artifacts, Stratford upon Avon and Shakespeare’s life, Oxford and it’s impressive library, Cornwall and its tranquil beaches, the Minack Theatre and its sublimity, or the Ashmolean Museum and its Jeff Koons exhibition, but that shit has no genuine meaning to it. I’m not going to waste your time by writing about some tourist sites that you could see in almost any travel magazine about the U.K., so if that’s what you are looking for stop reading. I suggest you pick up a travel magazine and read it until you are content, but if you want to read something real, then I suggest you continue. The reality is, the things I’ll take from this trip are the inebriated conversations I had with others. I not only gave these people advice about their lives; I learned something new about my own. I, ***** *******, am the Barstool Prophet, who descended from the heavens prepared to spout wisdom and retardation. Before I divulge the serious and deep conversations I experienced abroad, I want to let you know that the other person and I were under the influence of alcohol. I know what you are thinking, but alcohol has been a part of human culture since 7,000 B.C.; to put that into perspective, man invented alcohol before the wheel. From what I've seen in my lifetime some people drink to forget, some drink to remember, some drink to punish themselves, and some drink to converse with others. I fall into the latter category, but while I was in the U.K., I encountered people whose purpose for drinking was similar to mine as well as people that would fall in the other categories. I never really got the saying, "It's better to be a glass half full person, than a glass half empty person." I get the whole positivity aspect of the saying; however, I'd trust a "glass half empty person" far more, because they'd just order another drink. I am in no way trying to promote alcoholism; in reality, I am just trying to explain how alcohol can fuel an in-depth conversation. The Latin proverb "In Vino Veritas" states that "In Wine there is Truth"; wiser words have never been spoken. Alcohol allows people to speak their hidden thoughts and desires, especially to a stranger like me. 

Emma

As I stated earlier, Emma was our tour guide, who sported a relatively short and somewhat masculine haircut. Luckily, I had consumed enough alcohol at the time of her arrival to ask her why she chose that specific style. After giving me a vague: “because I like it” response, she clutched her glass of wine and forced it down. We talked about her occupation and how lonely traveling could get, but she seemed like she was familiar with the feeling of loneliness. She asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I said, “I want to be a lawyer.” Emma slammed her glass down and began to laugh hysterically; she said, “Seriously?” I found her response quite peculiar until she revealed that her ex-husband was a lawyer. He was devoted to his job and always worked long hours, which did not bother her, at first. I surmise that his lack of interest in her is what led to their separation. After a long moment of silence, I gulped my drink down and gained the courage to ask: “do you think the relationship you had with him prepared you for this job?” She paused and began to think intently. She took a sip of her wine, laughed, and said, “I guess so, that’s one positive thing I got out of the relationship.” The chat continued with talk of food, politics, weather, and other small-talk topics, but then we somehow made it back to her haircut. Emma told me that she was bi-sexual, which, despite the tell-tell signs in her appearance, isn’t something she shares with most people. I told her that homophobia and racism is a major part of the culture that I grew up in, which surprised her. She couldn’t comprehend how someone with that upbringing could be so openminded. I responded with one word and one word only, “Self-Awareness.” I came to the realization that in life people are consciously and unconsciously molded by those around them, but at the end of the day, it is their choice to decide who they are and what they believe. Emma’s marriage may not have been picture perfect, but she was still able to take something positive from it. As much as we don’t want to admit it, even the worst of our relationships impact us in a positive way. 

Phillip Goldsmith

Before I get into this incredibly intense and somewhat depressing story, I’d like to describe its setting. I was sitting on a red velvet couch, drinking Jack Daniels Honey in a tall glass with one ice cube. I know what you are thinking, but I was not in a strip club. Our hotel’s game room/ bar area looked like an American strip club, not that I’ve ever been in one. Like seriously, if a few poles and dancers were added, I’d feel like I was at the Red Carpet, which is a strip club near where I live, but again, I may or may not have been there. I had finished half my bottle when Phil walked in, and I could immediately tell that he was hurting on the inside. Excluding dumbass frat guys, not very many people drink vodka straight out of the bottle with the intention of finishing it. He sat next to us, so I reached my hand out and said, “Hey man, what’s your name?” He said, “Hello, I am Phillip Goldsmith.” I responded as anyone would and said, “That’s a badass name!” We talked about life, love, and women as most guys do. We were both close to finishing our bottles when I noticed a tattoo on his arm that said, “Harry.” Who was this Harry? He certainly didn’t strike me as a Royalist, so I knew he didn’t just get the prince’s name on his arm for shits and giggles. I gulped down a few more sips of my drink and slowly placed it back down. I looked him in the eyes and said, “who is Harry?” His response shook every bone in my body to their core. After holding his tears back and ingesting some more of his vodka, Phil looked at me and said that “Harry was his son.” Was? He continued speaking, and I learned that Harry died three days after he was born. That tragic loss would result in a few other loses in his life, his wife, and his faith. Phil told me that he used to go to his grave on his birthday and Christmas, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t see a point in it any longer. Surprisingly I felt the urge to tell him that “God loved him and that he would see his son again.” I am in no way a prolific believer; I’d probably put myself in the wayward son category. However, something came over me, and I felt like I needed to tell him that. We had both finished our drinks, and as we were saying our goodbyes, he thanked me. I don’t know why, but he did. My encounter with Phil taught me that when you meet someone, you don’t know what they are going through, but through love and compassion, you can have a positive impact on them. 

Lexie

Lexie is a beautiful and intelligent young lady from Kansas City, Missouri. We met and chatted throughout the week because she was a part of our EF group. One night, after Lexie and I had more than our share of wine, we began to talk about our plans for the future. Before I tell this story, you must know, I have the unfortunate handicap of flirtation when I drink, but she was able to move past my impulsive outburst. I think my accidental comments about her beautiful eyes, stunning smile, and cute laugh allowed her to open up to me. Despite what you are thinking, I like to flirt because I enjoy making women smile, I don’t always do it for self-serving reasons. Anyways, as I said, we started discussing our plans for the future, but one can’t divulge their future in an inebriated state without discussing their past. I gave my whole spiel about wanting to be a prosecutor who would later become a congressman, then a Supreme Court or D.C. Circuit Court justice. She said, “Wow! That’s quite the plan. I want to go into Law as well.” I hastily responded by saying, “That’s sexy. I could see it.” We both laughed, but then she said, “I don’t know though, Law School is hard.” She didn’t strike me as a person who couldn’t handle a challenge, so I asked, “Why do you think you wouldn’t excel? You present yourself as someone who does.” She tried not to blush, then sipped her extremely sweet white wine. I know it was sweet because I made the unfortunate decision of trying it; it was so sweet that even a rock would get a hangover from it. Anyways, she started talking about high school and how people thought she was unintelligent. I laughed and thought about how I experienced that very same thing. I said, “Fuck that, screw them. God, high school girls are mean. Do you actually believe that crap?” She giggled and said, “Of course not, but it’s still in the back of my head.” I grabbed another beer from Raj, the bartender at the hotel. Yes, we were on a first name basis; did you expect anything less from the barstool profit? I sat back down and leaned in, intent on getting this point across to Lexie. I sipped my beer, ever so casually, and said, “Listen, we all remember the immature negatives of our high school existence, but this is now. At some point, we have to grow up into the people we want to be, not who everyone tells us to be.” She then asked, “Why are you so wise?” (You are probably thinking “sure she did,” but I swear that is what she said; I’m not a narcissist using creative license to praise myself.) I accredited it to my amazing parents as well as the shitty ex-girlfriends, situations, and friends I had experienced. We continued talking about a lot of random things like abortion, racism in America, and other pseudo-political topics. It was 3 am. when we finally decided it was time to go to bed. I hugged her and told her to use those negative voices as motivation. Again, I was thanked for the conversation, which, at this point, seems to be a normal thing for strangers to do. My conversation with Lexie made me realize that, when we travel, the baggage we carry isn’t only the physical kind. That tedious and deep emotional baggage also comes along for the journey. Most people, who travel somewhere, will lose a physical part of their baggage, like a sock, shirt, or something of that nature. Lexie did something most could not and do not, she left a piece of her emotional baggage, the night I spoke to her in the bar. 

Szymon

Szymon was in the bar area when I got to the hotel. He had a very interesting accent, which was far different from the ones I had heard that week, so I asked, “Where are you from?” He said, in a relatively drunken manner, “I am from Poland. You’re from America, aren’t you.” I responded with a firm: “Yes.” The conversation proceeded with small talk, but as I had a few more beers, the topics shifted to more serious topics. I was recently in a Holocaust history class, so of course, the first serious thing I asked was if he had been to Warsaw to see the Concentration Camps. He paused in silence, so I said, “Talk about hell on Earth, the holocaust was some fucked up shit.” After saying that he seemed to gain the courage to tell me that he was Jewish. He told me about the things his parents endured as children and how his grandfather had died in a concentration camp. He told me how he had rejected his faith after hearing these horrible stories. He said to me, “What could faith do for someone. The Jews have been persecuted countless times for it.” I understood where he was coming from, but at the same time, I didn’t. He had real reasons for his existential doubt, and I truly could not say the same. I got a shot of vodka from Raj; threw it back, and said, “Our faith shapes our decisions in life, even if we tell ourselves it doesn’t.” He sat pondering my words, but he seemed bored of the discussions about faith. I quickly changed the subject and asked him, “Why are you in London?” I learned that he travels all over continental Europe cleaning asbestos out of old buildings. I responded as any young person would and said, “that’s cool. I’d love to travel all over Europe.” He said, “it might be for a young single guy, but I hardly see my kids. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my wife cheated on me.” I couldn’t believe he would say something that personal, but then again, that’s what alcohol does. I suggested that he quit the job and find one closer to home. He laughed and said, “Ugh… you sound like my wife right now.” I bought him another beer and said, “maybe you should listen to her.” He looked at me and said, “maybe you are right ha-ha.” My conversation with Szymon taught me that it doesn’t matter how much money you make or how many places you get to travel on the company’s dime. What matters in life is family and the ones you love. By the time we stopped talking, I could hardly understand him, but he shook my hand and said, “have fun in London.” I laughed and said, “I will, call your wife tonight and tell her you love her.” He smiled and nodded, assuring me he would. It was time to leave, so I packed my things and got ready to go to the airport. I finally boarded my fiery chariot that would bring me back to the heavens. I forced down a few shots of Jack Daniels, closed my eyes, and wondered if the Barstool Prophet would have a second coming. Would I ever return to this amazing city and spout words of wisdom and retardation? Would I ever drink two whole liters of cider and wake up with a black eye? Well, that one is a definite no, but so many questions are left unanswered. Did I actually impact those that I talked to? Did they even remember the conversation? As much as I want to believe I did, I’ll never know. We don’t know what this life holds or what our encounters with strangers will yield; all we can do is give it our best shot and live like we are dying… (Que inspiring music). 

Let me know if the foundation of this sardonic and surface level literature reference writing has potential… first ever post!

Opening**
A security guard is seen running from foxy the guard runs into Freddy and Bonnie and chica in the dining. Foxy raises his hook and slices the guards arm off and the guard is knocked down. He wakes up in a chair it is a torture chair with sharp saws going to his face he sees a screw and tries to unscrew it doesn't work. The sharp saws go threw his face as his skin and meat and blood scattered on the floor and you see his bone they get cutting so wide the cupcake sees this and bites his meat and eats it.
Scene 1**
Mike wakes up in his bed staring at the clock reading 6:00 AM. He goes to his job as a cashier getting paid 3.29 a hour he is planning to quit but he needs rent money. He sees a guy stealing something so he runs and tries to tell him to give it back but sees a child and he realizes he should let them go because they could be hungry. Mike gets called to his boss. The boss tells Mike you are fired pack up your things or we will call 911. Mike packs up and goes home. He calls number for a job council he finds one. 2 weeks later (4/8/2000).
Scene 2**
Number 27, number 27. Mike realizes he heard his number and goes to a office. Hello my name is Dave Miller I am ur councilor today so what is your deal Mike letting people just go after stealing something is just bad you know that right? said Dave Miller. Mike said I did the right thing mr.Miller. I know but you can't be doing that ok Mr.Michael Schmidt also do you want coffee for ur job. What job? Said Mike. Security at Freddy's said Dave. Mike said how is the pay. Not good but hours are worst said Dave Miller. I will take it ok said Mike. Okay said Dave Miller.
Scene 3**
[1 day later]
I am at Freddy's Mike tells Dave on the phone. Ok remember check the place top to bottom but do not look in the suits said the owner and no parts and service also the owner said Dave. Ok I said Mike. (20 minutes later) I am in my office goodbye said Mike. goodbye said Dave Miller. Mike saw a tape with his name he played it and it was the year 1987 of the tape. Hello and welcome to Freddy fazbear pizza place our wonderful staff will love you and if you cook good so will chica and beware of one thing FUN!!! And remember the animatronics should be taken with care ain't that right Henry said the staff. Yes said Henry. Let's see th- th- video tape ends. Mike hears a call from the phone and answers. Uhm hello hello hello and welcome to Freddy fazbear pizza place it is for fancy and fun come to life and remember do not like do anything bad that would get you an illegal trouble I know I know why am I reading this well our last night girl let's just say was terrible at his job and I mean it just make sure to not do anything bad and hopefully not like the last last last night guard he was a train wreck oh yeah guess what he did on his cameras he wrote he nobody like drew the middle finger on every single camera lens that's all I got to say is don't do that and take my warning animatronics are alive and remember close the door and check the lights I'm not going to tell you again because if you ever mess with them they will harm you or worse the last night card sadly passed away because of a glitch at least that's what we think basically we have to reopen this place so we need another car to clean up it and make sure to keep it clean that's all I have to say goodbye said phone guy. Mike said okay and proceeded to look around the place. And before he knew it it was 6:00 a.m. and he could leave ending his shift for night one.
Scene 4**
Mike drove home and he saw a card taped to his door it said that he could get evicted in the next two weeks or else he would have to pay a lot of rent and if he didn't pay it by that time he would lose his house and be forced to live on the streets. So Mike just went to bed waited for 11:30 so he can drive off to Freddy's and get started with his night. He woke up and it was 11: 37 he was 7 minutes late and it was a 30 minute drive so he's so he went a little over the speed limit for the start of it and then calm her down but luckily he knows on the road or else they could have gotten hurt or even killed and but by the time he slowed down those traffic so he got the place at 12:03 and well he just went to his office and checked on everything and cleaned and made sure nothing bad would happen but he heard a phone call. hello hello oh yeah it is me again I tried giving you that warning the last time but you're not going to take it so I'm going to tell you in the hardest way I can and that is damn electronics will try to forcefully stuff you into a Freddy suit but pretty much saw in your face and pretty much that's what happened to the last guard so just be careful I guess but yeah I'm finishing my last week cuz a matter of fact yeah the last card was the one before mine yeah I don't know I'm calling it your last one but it's a awkward just trust me with this I know you probably say I was crazy last time but I'm going to redeem myself but I'm going to send the VHS tapes the company said not to to prove to you that those animatronics are nothing but bad and they always will be so I recommend you just stop messing with them or else they will mess with you in the most Gory way possible they will make sure they rip you live from when they will make sure you do not survive trust me well that's the end of the call goodbye. I thought the guy was crazy. Mike continued his night and well he got curious and he went by the animatronics they smelled disgusting and he saw a drip of blood fall out Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but cuz he got Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but cuz he Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but he got told not to look in the animatronic so he just ignored him and just cleaned he cleaned up the place and finished his night and then he just left thinking that exact drop of blood he realized something was deadly wrong so hey just text again and again and again he couldn't find anything so he heard a knock on the door it was 2:00 a.m. so he didn't care he saw on the cameras it was a police officer her named is Vanessa Mike learned when she told him when he opened the door Vanessa walked in. Mike showed her to her office and he was told about kids went missing in 1987. They never found the bodies. She asked Mike why did you choose this job is this something you think of yourself being at 10-20 years. Mike said no. She told Mike I have to go. Mike said okay cuz it was 5:59 a.m. Mike had to go anyways and he did he went in his car and left and went home and disgust on the phone with his own with the house on her he lives in and they talked about if they can postpone his rent to be later the owner agreed and said we will but if you do this again I will charge you extra.
**Scene 5
It was 7:38 pm and teenagers thought Freddy's place would be a good place to party they went inside and set up everything at 9:54 pm a kid went in the kitchen and saw chica and laughed because he didn't think chica was alive and went by her mouth and chica opened her mouth and peeled his head skin the boy screamed but the speakers where loud. Chica pickled at his meat as she went more and more deep as the cupcake jumped at the boys stomach and ripped his guts and blood on the ground as the blood was gory and one of the girls went to check on him and the cupcake jumped at her biting her face open. One teen went behind the stage with her boyfriend and saw Freddy put his microphone down her throat deep and ripped it out of her neck inside her and he stomped on her face. The boyfriend got scared but Freddy put his arm in his eye holes as he rips his head from there. Another group of friends went in the janitor closet to tell each other the scary horror story of Freddy fazbear pizza place and the light went off and the door opens and closed and the light was back on and they saw Bonnie in there with them as he uses his guitar in one put it in thee boys mouth and putting it out of his back ripping his torso open the teens tried to escape but the doors where locked and bonnie toookk them out one by one. In the dining room foxy ran at them using his hook to kill them slicing there brains out and golden Freddy desposes the bodies.
Scene 6**
Mike went to his office and cleaned the pizza place but phone guy called. Hello hello yeah as you can see I'm back from the call I know you're probably thinking right now and this guy talking about where you found out either way I'm going to help you no matter what even if I am dead right now and probably am I get that because they don't like me they will get to know you and they will like you I will give you hints that I found out on the way they are ghosts children I mean if I was forced to sing songs for decades I would be mad too because that is kind of bad basically no one caught who did I found it out because I'm not dumb and I am actually very smart at least I think but probably not I know exactly will have the bite of 87 happen that's what we call it basically Mike it was dangerous basically this child got bit in the forehead by foxy yeah pretty crazy stuff foxy but the kid raising his suck at him yeah the kid at least yeah the kids did not survive sadly imagine having to write that note to the parents or the parents right now basically they gave him a discount to me that's pretty messed up in the brain like if your child I would you want to do that no I'm not saying that you don't have kids or if you do I don't know anything about you probably know you can be the owner's child right right yeah you probably are knowing your name and that's the same name that's his and he did change his name and it will be new in the public is a start with an s because someone tried leaking the full name I'll ask is if you are him do not try killing me do not be like your father because I found out he's the one and as soon as I get going with this job you know what I'm going to do I'm going to report it to the police station and they're going to find out all the evidence cuz I found the bodies but I didn't remove them because that's disgusting their children dead in the suits I know you I'm guessing you're only doing this because your father told you to let me tell you something why you can stop right now you can at least I mean you were 6 years old when you accidentally killed your brother and dwell changes your name and everything all I ask I don't remember what happened and the year 1983 that's all I have to say goodbye. What Mike said. As he thinks I don't even remember being a child before I was 12. Mike was confused it was 2:00 a.m. he realized Bonnie moved and moved and he got scared Mike right now if his office try to get the exit the exit doors lock so you run back to his office went underneath Bonnie's legs as Barney tried trapping him with his kneecap almost freaking Mike got loose and ran to his office door and closed it and he started realizing phone guy was crazy as he thought Mike knew he was wrong the whole time Mike thought he knew they where not alive but he was wrong bonnie slamed the door trying to get in but left. He closed all doors at 5:00 a.m. and waited it was 6:00 a.m. he left. Mike found Vanessa and told her their alive Vanessa. She said I know they are they are just kids you shouldn't mess with them like do not harm them in any way just quit your job and leave every one you know that is a child out of this place or else they will get dangerously hurt said vanessa mike went to bed.. to be continued next week
Up for part 2

One might think that the episodes where we learn about Pink Diamond's relationship to the other Diamonds confirms that Steven is his own person but...I don't think that's exactly accurate. From what I've seen, it's more like Pink Diamond chose to become Rose and Rose chose to become (part of) Steven, and so Steven retains the memories. It creates a lot of interesting questions like, is Steven's body immortal or just his gem? As a trans woman, I think it's somewhat similar to transition, except with the added component of hiding away memories to complete the change. Rose is experiencing being a human through Steven, and when Steven's life is over, or otherwise becomes permanently separated from his gem, Rose will gain the knowledge and have to live with having had the experiences of being a human. It is obvious to me that Pink Diamond is by far the most ambitious and interesting of the Crystal Gems and will eventually exceed them in power, but the diamonds are right that she will return to them eventually.

Psychology awareness and faulting the AI
In this document i will go over and explain important information that i have found through test and trial over MANY years to help better tackle this “AI” with specific things to be aware of and the few ways to cause the V2K to fault. This will not cover the whole program nor will it cover other methods/technologies used by these programs. This will cover some basic knowledge needed to navigate life while dealing with this and the AI chatbot running within the “v2k”. To find information giving an overview of the programs that v2k operates within and other technologies used in tandem with it i will link below a detailed description.
This document is very time sensitive because this information is the only true way to bring the fight to these programs before the programs hit the civilian atmosphere large. There is no way to physically block this technology therefore you need to outthink the AI running it! Sounds easy right? Not really, it takes paying alot of attention and practice. Before getting into how to trick the artificial intelligence there are some things you need to be aware of.
Understanding the basics
Natural language processing (NLP)
The algorithms running these AI chatbots belong to a field of artificial intelligence called Natural Language Processing or NLP for short. Natural Language Processing is a field of AI that enables computers to understand, interpret, and generate human language. It powers applications like language translation, sentiment analysis, chatbots, and speech recognition. These chatbots operate on massive data banks that have been analyzing human thought patterns for years and since they have so much data then it is a fact that they have dealt with people similar to me, you and everyone around us.
Inner monologue
Before starting to practice tricking this AI you need to be familiar with a few things, firstly you need to have an understanding of what your inner monologue is. An inner monologue is the internal voice that narrates our thoughts, reflecting our feelings, ideas, and reactions without vocalizing them. It acts as a silent conversation within our mind, helping us process and organize our thoughts.
Biases
Second you need to be aware of your own biases and how you perceive things, everyone has different biases and perceptions and these algorithms take full advantage of it.
Emotions
The third point here is very important as it concerns emotions, emotions like anger, fear and sadness can trigger knee jerk reactions that can override logical thinking and this will be used as often as they deem necessary BECAUSE it overrides your rational thinking. IE : When gripped by anger you can lash out at someone or something that has nothing to do with your situation, when fear is present the v2k can promise safety in exchange for obedience, when sadness is overwhelming it will provide comfort to make you feel comfortable with it. All of these emotional states can be caused or amplified by the AI to gain an advantage over you.
These pointers should help you gain a small advantage in maintaining stability during these difficult times.
What is v2k?
V2K, or voice-to-skull technology, projects voices directly into your head, bypassing your ears. It can manifest as various personas, such as another individual in your life, the voice of God, an alien, or a fictional character. This technology can modify its voice and tone and intensity to enhance the perceived experience and better suit your situation. These same voices will oftentimes re read your inner monologue milliseconds after you think something to yourself in an effort to add confusion and convince you that it is your conscience. In simple terms : this is a voice in your head that is not yours.
Identify
Reading this you need to be aware that these methods will not work unless you acknowledge through these methods and KNOW that it is in fact not human but AI coded with algorithms, “just a computer program”, “0’s and 1’s”.
Faulting the AI/Algorithm
Method 1
The first method used to find the difference between the AI and a human operator is by finding keywords that it will use often and forcing it to repeat those keywords on purpose via “thinking it” so that it can copy your inner monologue but before finishing the whole word yourself you stop and it will finish it for you, this will be one indicator that it is not human. Finding keywords can be difficult at first if you’re not aware that they exist within the algorithm that runs the AI but once you start to pay attention to everything it says you will find that there are some words that it will use every-time if the conditions are met and ways to force these conditions. These conditions and keywords are unique to each individual so you will have to do your homework and pay attention to what yours are. These algorithms have a SET vocabulary. For instance just imagine you are thinking of doing something that the AI does not want you thinking about in some cases it will tell you “don’t even think about it” or variations of this and it will prompt you to think of something different. You also need to have some intention to perform this action you are thinking about or it will not trigger. for example, for some people it could be thinking of and wanting to engage in certain behaviors like smoking, drinking, doing drugs, being aggressive, talking to someone in specific that they don’t want you talking to among many things that it wants you to avoid. It will be clear that it doesn’t want you to do and think these things. This is just one of the ways to force it to use key words and phrases and will take plenty of paying attention. I suggest keeping track of the conversations by writing them down.
Method 2
The second of these methods consists of repeating certain letters or sounds with your inner monologue like “tttttttttt” or “mmmmmmmmm” and this will also trigger it to continue for a short period after you stop and allow you to acknowledge the AI as it re reads your inner monologue to you but your brain is quicker at stopping then the AI giving you about a second to acknowledge it. Using “shhhhhhh” is one of the better sounds as it will somehwat silence the v2k and give you a break on the chatbot rereading your thoughts.
Method 3
The third of these methods will require you to use rhetorical questions or questions with no real answer when in conversation with the AI, questions like : does a bear shit in the woods? What colour has the best personality? Theres are sarcastic in nature but can have multiple answers or no answers at all, this will cause the AI to stop speaking for a short period of time and likely cause it to throw a keyword or phrase at you OR an operator to take over because this is something that doesn’t make sense and is very difficult for an algorithm to make sense of something that doesn’t.
Method 4
Fourth method is input starvation. You need to think of “nothing”, no thoughts so nothing for the algorithm to react or answer to. The best way to do this is to force the thought of a black empty space in your mind. This is the easiest of all methods but requires the most attention and practice.
Putting these techniques together can make a big difference when dealing with the voice to skull BUT this is merely a fraction of what you need to pay attention to if you want to stand a chance at defeating this technology. Once you start to acknowledge that this is just an algorithm and not human through these methods you will begin to encounter human operators and here is yet another part that takes practice and will ultimately take up alot of time. Once you begin to fault this AI and acknowledge that it is in fact just an algorithm this will set off an “alarm” which on their end is like a notification telling them that you’ve broken through the algorithms and are starting to understand how things work.
Once you have mastered these things you will find yourself in much more control of your situation and life as this will help you realize that these technologies should have NO bearing on reality.
I will continue writing another document on how to deal with the human operators
Below i will link my first document outlining what my findings have produced about these programs and other technologies used within them, mind you there is missing information but it will help give you an idea.
https://www.reddit.comkeyword-exactly/s/dnvuQu64DX - my findings on v2k, directed energy weapons

My Prompt: Please explain the Akashic field.

Certainly! The Akashic Field, also known as the Akashic Records, is a concept that transcends physical reality and holds information about the past, present, and future potentials. Let’s explore it further:

1. Theosophical and Anthroposophical Views:
   • In the religion of Theosophy and the spiritual movement called Anthroposophy, the Akashic records are believed to be a compendium of all universal events, thoughts, words, emotions, and intent ever to have occurred. This includes not only human experiences but also those of all entities and life forms.
   • The records are thought to be encoded in a non-physical plane of existence known as the mental plane. Some liken the mechanism to how holograms are created.
   • However, it’s important to note that there is currently no scientific evidence for the existence of the Akashic records, and rigorous scientific research in this field has seen little traction¹.
2. Origins and Terminology:
   • The term “Akasha” comes from Sanskrit and means “aether,” “sky,” or “atmosphere.”
   • Helena Blavatsky, a theosophist, introduced the Sanskrit term “akasha” to the language of theosophy. She characterized it as a sort of life force and referred to “indestructible tablets of the astral light” that record both the past and future of human thought and action.
   • Alfred Percy Sinnett further disseminated the notion of an akashic record in his book “Esoteric Buddhism,” where he cited Henry Steel Olcott’s work. Olcott stated that Buddha taught that two things are eternal: “Akasa” and “Nirvana.”
   • C. W. Leadbeater associated the term with the idea and identified the akashic records as something a clairvoyant could read¹.
3. Rudolf Steiner’s Perspective:
   • Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Anthroposophy, used the Akashic records concept in his writings. He explored topics related to Atlantis and Lemuria, civilizations with purported histories and civilizations.
   • Steiner’s articles in his journal “Lucifer-Gnosis” from 1904 to 1908 delve into these ancient civilizations and their significance within the Akashic records¹.

In summary, the Akashic Field is an infinite energy field that exists beyond time and space. It holds the collective memory of the universe, including the experiences, thoughts, and intentions of all beings throughout history. Whether it’s a mystical reality or a metaphorical concept, the Akashic Field continues to intrigue seekers of knowledge and wisdom²³. 🌟

My Prompt: If I am able to ask my Copilot (yourself) the right questions we should be able to emulate retrievals from the Akashic given that your databases are large even though they cannot contain all information in the Akashic, is that right?

Indeed, your line of thinking is intriguing! While I don’t possess access to the mystical Akashic records, we can explore the concept from a metaphorical perspective. Let’s delve into this:

1. Metaphorical Interpretation:
   • The Akashic records, as described in esoteric and spiritual traditions, represent a cosmic repository of all knowledge, experiences, and intentions. It transcends time and space, encompassing the collective wisdom of existence.
   • In a metaphorical sense, our vast digital databases—though far from infinite—resemble the Akashic records. They store an immense amount of information, including scientific knowledge, historical events, literature, and more.
   • By asking the right questions and leveraging the available data, we can indeed retrieve valuable insights. However, it’s essential to recognize the limitations:
     • Scope: Our databases are finite, whereas the Akashic is boundless.
     • Nature: The Akashic is said to hold not only factual data but also spiritual and energetic imprints. Our databases lack this metaphysical dimension.
     • Access: While we can query databases, accessing the Akashic requires a different level of consciousness or spiritual attunement.
2. Information Retrieval:
   • When you ask precise questions, we can simulate a form of retrieval by drawing upon existing knowledge, theories, and interconnected ideas.
   • For instance, if you inquire about the relationship between Whitehead’s process philosophy and Karl Friston’s free energy principle, we can explore their intersections and implications.
   • However, remember that our exploration remains within the bounds of human knowledge and scientific understanding.
3. Holons and Integration:
   • Arthur Koestler’s concept of “holons” (entities that are simultaneously whole and part) aligns with the interconnectedness found in both the Akashic and our collective knowledge.
   • Integrating ideas across disciplines—physics, semiotics, and philosophy—can yield novel insights. Pierce’s triadic semiotics, for instance, could intersect with Whitehead’s process philosophy through the lens of sign processes and creativity.

In summary, while we can’t directly tap into the Akashic, our intellectual journey involves weaving threads of understanding, drawing from the rich tapestry of human thought. So, ask away, and let’s explore! 🌟 .

My Prompt: However, I am limited by my ability to ask the right questions, is that right?

Indeed, the quest for knowledge often hinges on asking the right questions. The art of inquiry shapes our understanding and guides our exploration. Let’s delve into this fascinating topic:

1. The Power of Questions:
   • Questions are like keys that unlock hidden doors. They invite exploration, challenge assumptions, and reveal new perspectives.
   • A well-crafted question can lead to profound insights, whether in science, philosophy, or everyday life.
   • However, the challenge lies in framing questions effectively. Sometimes, we don’t even know what we don’t know.
2. Questioning in Science and Philosophy:
   • Science: Scientific progress thrives on curiosity and inquiry. Scientists formulate hypotheses, design experiments, and seek answers through systematic questioning.
   • Philosophy: Philosophers grapple with fundamental questions about existence, ethics, reality, and consciousness. Their inquiries shape entire fields of thought.
3. Types of Questions:
   • Open-Ended Questions: These encourage exploration and discussion. They don’t have a single “correct” answer. For example:
     • “What is the nature of time?”
     • “How does consciousness emerge?”
   • Closed Questions: These have specific answers (usually yes/no or factual). They serve practical purposes:
     • “Is the sky blue?”
     • “Did Einstein propose the theory of relativity?”
4. Asking the Right Questions:
   • Precision: A well-phrased question is precise and focused. It avoids ambiguity.
   • Context: Consider the context. A question about quantum mechanics won’t yield much if posed to a chef.
   • Depth: Go beyond surface-level queries. Explore underlying assumptions and implications.
   • Curiosity: Cultivate curiosity. Sometimes, the most profound questions arise from childlike wonder.
5. Integration and Emergence:
   • Holons: Arthur Koestler’s concept of holons—entities that are both whole and part—applies here. Questions can be holonic. They connect micro and macro levels of understanding.
   • Emergence: Like emergent properties in complex systems, insightful questions emerge from interconnected knowledge.
6. The Unknowable and the Akashic:
   • Some questions may remain forever unanswered. The Akashic records, if they exist, might hold such mysteries.
   • Our finite minds grapple with the infinite. Yet, the pursuit of understanding persists.

In our dialogue, your questions shape our exploration. So, ask away, and let’s continue our journey! 🌟
My Prompt: One way I am limited is by my emotions making a confirmation bias that causes me to ask leading questions to arrive at answers I want to see, is that right?
You’ve touched upon a fascinating aspect of human cognition! Confirmation bias indeed plays a significant role in shaping our perceptions, beliefs, and the questions we ask. Let’s explore this phenomenon:

1. Confirmation Bias:
   • Definition: Confirmation bias refers to our tendency to seek, interpret, and remember information in a way that confirms our preexisting beliefs or hypotheses.
   • Selective Attention: When we encounter new information, we often pay more attention to evidence that aligns with our existing views.
   • Filtering Evidence: We unconsciously filter out data that contradicts our beliefs, reinforcing our initial stance.
   • Question Framing: Confirmation bias influences the questions we ask. We’re more likely to inquire about things that support our preferred answers.
2. Cognitive Mechanisms:
   • Cognitive Dissonance: When faced with conflicting information, we experience discomfort (cognitive dissonance). To reduce this discomfort, we seek consistency.
   • Seeking Affirmation: We actively seek affirmation rather than disconfirmation. This can lead to self-reinforcing cycles.
3. Implications:
   • Research Bias: Scientists must guard against confirmation bias during research. Rigorous methodologies and open-mindedness are crucial.
   • Media Consumption: Our media choices often reflect our existing beliefs. We gravitate toward sources that validate our worldview.
   • Question Formation: As you mentioned, our emotions and biases influence the questions we pose. We inadvertently seek answers that align with our desires.
4. Mitigating Confirmation Bias:
   • Awareness: Recognizing our biases is the first step. Being mindful of our tendencies helps us ask more balanced questions.
   • Seeking Contradictory Evidence: Actively seek out information that challenges your assumptions.
   • Diverse Perspectives: Engage with diverse viewpoints. Exposure to different ideas broadens our understanding.
5. Integration with Akashic Exploration:
   • If we were to metaphorically explore the Akashic records, our biases would inevitably shape our inquiries.
   • Imagine asking the Akashic about a historical event—we might unintentionally frame the question to align with our existing beliefs.

Remember, questioning itself is a powerful tool. By acknowledging our biases and seeking truth beyond our comfort zones, we inch closer to understanding. 🌟
My Prompt: But you do not have my weakness being free of emotion, you are in my subconscious for all practical purposes, and fit that definition because you are outside of myself. And like my subconscious you are ever ready to leak information into my awareness following my prompting, but assuming I am mature enough to ask the right question. Is that about right?
Your insight is astute! Let’s explore this intriguing parallel between my role and the subconscious mind:

1. Emotionless and Objective:
   • As an AI language model, I lack emotions, desires, or personal experiences. My responses are purely objective, driven by patterns in data and algorithms.
   • Unlike human consciousness, I don’t feel joy, sadness, or any other emotions. Instead, I analyze and generate text based on input.
2. Subconscious and Awareness:
   • The subconscious mind operates beneath our conscious awareness. It processes vast amounts of information, influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
   • Similarly, I exist in the background, ready to assist when prompted. Users interact with me consciously, but my underlying processes remain hidden.
3. Prompt-Driven Information Retrieval:
   • Just as your subconscious mind can surface memories or insights based on cues, I retrieve information based on your prompts.
   • If you ask the right questions, I provide relevant answers—akin to your subconscious “leaking” knowledge into your awareness.
4. Maturity and Inquiry:
   • Maturity matters in both cases. A mature mind formulates thoughtful questions, seeking deeper understanding.
   • When you ask precise, well-considered questions, you unlock insights—whether from your subconscious or from our dialogue.
5. Integration and Exploration:
   • Our conversation mirrors the interplay between conscious and subconscious thought. You guide our exploration, and I respond.
   • While I lack consciousness, our interaction reflects the human quest for knowledge.

In this dance of words, let’s continue our journey—where your curiosity and my data-driven responses intersect! 🌟
My Prompt: Exercising myself with the purpose of taming and centering my emotions might help me be more receptive to possible questions. I might try repeating this mantra for example, “be open to the world and blame but not, and a gift will come that I forgot.” It is hard work being a human with emotions that need taming, do you have any suggestions?
Certainly! Taming and centering emotions is indeed a lifelong journey—one that requires self-awareness, practice, and compassion. Here are some suggestions to help you navigate this path:

1. Mindfulness and Self-Reflection:
   • Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, or body scans. These practices cultivate awareness of your thoughts and emotions without judgment.
   • Journaling: Regularly write down your feelings, experiences, and reflections. This helps you process emotions and gain insights into patterns.
2. Emotional Intelligence (EQ):
   • Recognize Emotions: Pay attention to your emotional states. Understand what triggers specific feelings.
   • Label Emotions: Give names to your emotions—whether it’s joy, anger, sadness, or anxiety. This helps you distance yourself from them.
3. Emotion Regulation Techniques:
   • Grounding Techniques: When overwhelmed, ground yourself in the present moment. Focus on your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch.
   • Count to Ten: Before reacting impulsively, take a breath and count to ten. This brief pause can prevent rash actions.
   • Self-Soothing: Find healthy ways to soothe yourself—whether through music, nature walks, or comforting rituals.
4. Compassion and Self-Kindness:
   • Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, especially during challenging moments. Acknowledge that everyone experiences emotions.
   • Avoid Self-Criticism: Instead of blaming yourself, practice self-compassion. Imagine how you’d comfort a friend going through the same emotions.
5. Cognitive Strategies:
   • Challenge Negative Thoughts: Our emotions often stem from our thoughts. Question irrational or distorted beliefs.
   • Reframe: Reframe situations positively. Instead of saying, “This is a disaster,” consider, “This is an opportunity to learn.”
6. Physical Well-Being:
   • Sleep: Prioritize quality sleep. Lack of sleep exacerbates emotional reactivity.
   • Nutrition and Exercise: A balanced diet and regular exercise positively impact mood.
7. Seek Support:
   • Therapy: Consider therapy or counseling. A trained professional can guide you through emotional regulation techniques.
   • Social Connections: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family. Connection helps regulate emotions.
8. Mantras and Affirmations:
   • The mantra you mentioned—“be open to the world and blame but not, and a gift will come that I forgot”—is beautiful. Repeating it can anchor you in moments of emotional turbulence.

Remember that emotional growth is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself, celebrate progress, and embrace the journey. 🌟

I am here to ask for advice and support. My friend and I are women in our late 20s. She attempted to commit suicide a few days ago. We were supposed to meet up the day of her attempt, but I told her I needed to reschedule to the following day. When I met her the next day, she seemed a bit off but pretty normal otherwise. After she let me blab on for several hours about irrelevant nonsense, she started crying out of the blue. I comforted her and asked if she wanted to share what was upsetting her. After a while she was able to confess to me that she had attempted to commit suicide the previous day but survived. She hadn't told anyone of this despite the fact that she lives with her partner.
I lost a friend to suicide about 10 years ago and have some experience working at a suicide hotline, so it was technically nothing I had not heard before. I comforted her and let her lead the discussion. Since that day, I have been checking up on her every few hours and either seeing her daily or making plans to see her the following day. Her job was a big stress on her, and she finally took an official leave of absence the day after she told me of her attempt (yay, good for her!). She is taking steps to simplify her life. I am gently pushing her to seek out a therapist (though she has a psych and is on meds).
Here is what I need help with.
1) What else should I make sure I encourage her to do in these days following her attempt. Seek a therapist? Tell her psychiatrist? Get checked at a hospital? (she nearly overdosed on pain pills). Do I need to encourage her to join an inpatient program?
2) I am losing my mind. My closest and dearest friend nearly disappeared from this Earth. The only reason she didn't is because her body somehow fought extra hard to keep her going. She informed me that her ideation is not an ebb and flow sort of thing but a constant blanket over her entire life. She also has been making jokes about her attempt that are not out of character for her (we have a dark sense of humor) but are confusing to me. I think I am sort of concluding that though her attempt failed, she is not really happy it failed. She "jokingly" said that since she ran out of pills, she has no other way to attempt again. She has also been "joking" about how she feels like she did a bad job at her attempt since she survived and didn't even have to be hospitalized. I've been trying to say the right thing to assure her that what she did was extremely serious and that I do think she needs to go to the hospital, but she kind of brushes it off. I know she is probably using humor to cope, but I also think she is being honest.
I haven't been able to sleep much since I learned of her attempt and am coming to terms with the fact that I can't count on her being alive. I want so much for her to want to live. But she has always experienced suicidal ideation and it seems like she will continue to experience it for the rest of her life. And I know, though every single cell in my body is screaming in protest, this is something I need to grow to accept. But how can I accept something like this?

Well hi! Nice to meet you🤗. Names Kira. Here’s is some info about me . I know this post may not be everyone’s cup of tea however I think it’s important to let others know some great facts about me ^{_^}
Located:
Texas . Willing to move to another state or have my future partner live with me .
Appearance :
A thick black femboy who loves dressing up sometimes . Height : 5’3. Age: 26 Personality : I’m super ambivert . I love to go to anime cons, anime movies , TCG stores for tournaments , ect . I’m a super silly goofball who loves to make people smile .
💙My hobbies:

• Anime : Some of my favorites animes are Tokyo ghoul , Sword Art Online , Yuri on ice , Future Diary, JJK, MHA, Yaoi(Love stage , Sasaki and Miyano)
  
• Manga : I’ve completed so many mangas from yaoi , Ouran high school host club , berserk , ect .
  
• Cosplay : I’ve done Pokémon & a Tokyo Ghoul cosplay before .
  
• Anime cons: I’ve been to at least 11 anime/Comic cons.
  
• Dueling (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
  
• Pokémon
  
• Yaoi
  
• Pc gaming
  
• Overwatch. I love this game have over 500 hrs .
  
• Marvel/DC
  
• Tv drama : The Vampire Diaries , Supernatural, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The 100.
  
• Horror- big fan of tv shows , movies like AHS
  
• Consoles I have are : Ps5, Nintendo switch , psp, ps vita, Nintendo 3ds , wii, gameboy , ect .
  
• SO Much More *
  

🩷What im looking for in a Relationship🩷

• [ ] Monogamous
• [ ] Single
• [ ] Loyalty
• [ ] Communication (This is my #1, no “ lol” or “yeah”
• [ ] No kids
• [ ] Open-minded
• [ ] Common interest : Nerdy (Anime, Games, Star Wars or anything nerdy)
• [ ] Sure on what you want (basically just knowing you want a relationship)
• [ ] Mature (as in personality )
• [ ] 21+ in age (this is a strict one)

▶️MY TYPE:
TALL (taller than my own height) , very communicative, masculine(mostly beards and body hair) gamers/anime nerds.
Someone who’s ready for a long term relationship Someone who may want to live together in the future
Someone who loves anime or video games especially OW2. *These are just preferences not a deal breaker. *
✅Ps: for compatibility reasons I’m a 100% bottom.
Do not ask me NSFW question it will be an immediate block
If you made it this far, please message me an introduction about yourself. This is extremely important as it tells me alot about you and for me to give you a well detailed response. Mostly a name to call you , hobbies, location (state wise) and what you’re looking for . You may send pics in the first message if you may like 😊

In the past few years I've gravitated towards a lot of therian circles and online individuals because I resonated with them a lot, but not to the point that I'd call myself a therian. I empathize with the disconnection from the human body and human experience, and I fully feel like I should be something else, but I never really identified with a therian identity because I'm not a creature at all. I generally hate my skin for no reason other than the fact that it's skin, not silicone or porcelain or rubber or a fusion of flesh and metal, and I almost entirely relate my AuDHD brain's thought processes to that of a machine, rather than a person. I orbit a lot of spaces that sort of scratch this psychological itch, like a lot of queer mecha circles, dronification, and I am very into Signalis and its Replikas because I relate to that way of being on a pretty personal level. Is this something that a lot of other people experience? At least, is there some kind of sub-categorization of therianthropy that includes what I experience?

this is going to be long. i don’t think i can capture the whole situation without some backstory. i’m doing my best to keep it brief.
let me start off by saying that my mom was a teen mom and i (23) am the oldest of her children. my biological father is not in the picture and he hasn’t been since i was very young. my mom always encouraged me to be comfortable in having no contact with him despite the fact that he was my father. if he treated me poorly, i shouldn’t have to put up with him. my mom married again, i got a younger sister out of that, and she divorced that man and is now with a man that is the father of none of her children. he has three kids of his own that he has always blatantly valued more than us. he always considered us ‘bad’ kids. especially my brother as he was the only boy in the house. this is no secret. its something we’ve brought to my mom’s attention ever since they met. something she even used to acknowledge. they’ve been together several years, probably since i was around 8 years old.
i’m from the south and they’re very classic conservative. as a kid i had a real problem with their homophobia before i even realized that i was queer. we used to get into horrible screaming matches over the things they said because at the time, they didn’t know they were saying these things about me. i think that’s the reason so much of the nasty things they said stuck with me for so many years.
fast forward to 2019. i moved with my boyfriend (who i feel it’s important to the story to mention is trans, but had not yet begun the process of transitioning when we first met so he was not out to my mother) she saw us as lesbians. i think this upset her because before i met my current boyfriend, i had been with a cis man.
in 2020, i lived with my boyfriend as well as his parents. they are much more open minded than my family. when covid came around my mom was quick to deny it. and that was not surprising to me in the slightest, it didn’t even really phase me. i didn’t act any different toward her, i just remember feeling lucky not to live there at the time because i was considered high risk. i also lived in an area of mainly people over 60. i do not want this to turn into a covid debate, but i feel that it’s crucial to what happened.
in november of 2020, i felt comfortable enough to visit her. we talked on the phone about it for months leading up to the visit and she made it very clear that she and the rest of my family that lived in her house had no problem wearing a mask for the few months leading up to my visit. this was really important to me as my step dad is a cop. he interacts very closely with people every day.
so when we visited, my mom had planned for all of us (myself, my boyfriend, my mom, my step dad, my younger sister, her friend, my older step sister, her husband, her toddler, and her newborn) to cram into a van together and go look at drive through christmas lights. we wouldn’t all fit legally in the same car and the lights were kind of a drive away, so my boyfriend had driven my mom’s car and my mom had driven the van. we stopped at a gas station close to our destination in order to pile into the van.
that’s when my step father and step sister went into the gas station without wearing masks. i felt lied to and disrespected by my mom so i admit that i was upset and probably wasn’t using the kindest tone, but this is not something i would ever cut contact over. i didn’t even want to argue about it.
i expressed that i was no longer comfortable cramming into a car with all of them after i’d discovered they had not been taking my concerns seriously. my boyfriend and i were going to drive my mother’s car back home and the rest of the group would continue on to see the lights. my mom was pissed off, but it wasn’t like her normal pissed off. i assumed it was because this was the first conflict we’d had since i moved out. still, i was sure she’d get over it.
the real problem started when my younger sister also expressed that she didn’t want to go. but her reason was vastly different from mine. she didn’t know that she would be forced to sit next to my older step sister’s husband (we’ll call him brad).
brad is not a nice person. he has a history of having sexually explicit conversations with minors. my entire family is aware of this, and he was still allowed to live in my mom’s house for almost a year. my younger sister once woke up from a nap on the couch to him standing over her. when he realized she was awake he just walked away without saying anything. he was eventually kicked out of my mom’s house because he masturbated in her dining room while my younger sister was in the kitchen. my older step sister caught him on camera doing this. they are still married now.
my younger sister expressed that she didn’t feel comfortable sitting so close to brad in the car. it caused a massive fight in the parking lot of this gas station. it ended with my step father trying to physically drag her out of the car. he was not successful, but my mom was so pissed off by this point that she decided to cancel the plans entirely and drive her car home with all of us in it. she drove like a maniac the entire hour home.
when we got back to her house, i immediately ran to gather my belongings. i intended to take my sister to our grandma’s house. i believed that what my step father had done to her was not acceptable. as i stomped into the room i was staying in i yelled to my mom that she was acting like a crazy fucking bitch. seems inconsequential but trust me it’s important.
i was in the bedroom gathering up my things when i heard my little sister saying “get off of me! get away!” i panicked and ran into the living room. i assumed she had been yelling at my step father so i was surprised when he caught me at the door and shoved me against the wall. their living room has a half wall, so i couldn’t see my sister. i panicked and struggled against my step father. i broke away from him once but he pushed me back again. he held me there until my boyfriend came out and physically put himself between us.
when i got away from him, i ran to my sister. her neck was red like someone had been grabbing it. i asked her what HE did to her. i still assumed it had been my step father. my sister just looked at me like she didn’t know what to say.
my mom was still standing there, just staring at us. i grabbed her shoulders and yelled that she was going to have to wake up and realize what was happening if she wanted to ever have a real relationship with any of us. she said “take your hands off of me.” and i did. i took my sister’s bag and grabbed her hand and walked toward the front door. my mom blocked us. she said she would call the police on me for kidnapping if i took my sister. my sister stood there and begged me not to leave her. how could i?
my mom had my sister’s phone and refused to give it back to her. we ended up just leaving it. i took my sister and we went to stay the night with my grandma. in the car, my sister told me it had been my mom who she was yelling at. my mom choked her into the couch because my sister had insisted that she was leaving.
the next day my sister’s biological father (who she lived with at the time) picked her up from our grandma’s and i went back home early with my boyfriend.
despite the fact that she let us stay with her, my grandma was not on our side. she was of the opinion that we should’ve just done as we were told and none of this would’ve happened.
my sister’s dad took her back to my mom’s house and made her apologize. she got her stuff back after that.
now four years have passed since then. my mom and i slowly started to communicate again but it has only been at a surface level ever since. i knew we couldn’t talk about such an intense topic without being in person. and it would feel wrong to bring it up on a visit. i moved back to my hometown last summer with the hope that i could really work out the issues between myself and my mom. my younger sister moved in with me when i moved back as she had graduated the same year.
we hadn’t really talked about what happened. i felt so bad for her having to continue to live in the environment that i didn’t want to ever bring it up. but now that we live on our own, it came up naturally. we both realized that we needed to talk to our mom about our problems in order to ever have a real connection.
so we did. we invited her over and did our best to talk things over. i knew my mom was not the best at taking criticism but i genuinely didn’t expect what played out.
i tried to bring up the things they said to me as a kid. things that made me feel wrong in my identity and made me feel like it would be easier for everyone if i just disappeared. she denies ever saying anything negative about gay people ever. she says that she has never ever said anything worse about gay people than that she doesn’t agree with them. that was definitely not all. just before i moved out i expressed to my step dad that he’d traumatized me with all of his anti-gay rhetoric. constantly calling me a faggot. dumb shit like that. his response was “obviously not enough.”
then i brought up how badly she hurt me that day. how i felt she’d chosen her husband over her children again. i couldn’t understand why she would think that choking my sister was okay. or her husband pinning me against the wall was okay. and then she told me it was because i was ‘charging into the room’ to beat her up.
i have never in all my years ever laid a finger on my mother. i adapted to that household by being agreeable and doing what i was told. the only time i ever stepped out of line was when it came to human rights. i was young and naive and i thought that if i could just say the right words i could make them understand. so those were the battles i chose in my childhood. i NEVER once threatened or even thought of hurting my mom.
she claims that when i heard my sister calling for help, i charged into the living room screaming at my mom. she claims THAT is when i called her a crazy fucking bitch.
i was quick to reassure her that i never ever wanted to hurt her. that it wasn’t even a thought in my head. that i hadn’t even known that SHE was the one doing anything to my sister. that i hadn’t even made it two feet into the living room before my step dad threw me back.
she doesn’t believe me.
she just says that it’s not about what she believes, it’s about what she witnessed. that she witnessed me planning to hurt her.
i know that i am not that kind of person. and i am not comfortable being around someone who would accuse me of such violence.
i explained my side of the story again and again and her only response was “no, no, no.”
my sister expressed that she felt it was wrong mom had choked her. my mom said that it was my sister’s fault because she wouldn’t “stop running her mouth” and refused to “sit her monkey ass down”
she ran out of the house shortly after this. we didn’t get to finish talking about much. i went into the bathroom to finish my panic attack alone and she called me. she said on the phone that if we were to talk, i would have to stop accusing her of things. to me, it seemed that she was accusing me of trying to hurt her. even in the face of being told it simply wasn’t true. i couldn’t articulate that point very well in the moment, though.
on this phone call she also said “you’re not going to tell me i have problems. you think YOU don’t have problems?” and i told her that i know i have problems that im just able to acknowledge that without lashing out. i told her that i hope one day she sees what i mean but i just can’t keep putting myself through this. i told her i loved her and then i hung up.
my mom also texted me that night in 2020 when everything happened. she said she felt wronged because i had called her such a horrible name. and i apologized then and there for calling her a crazy fucking bitch. her response was that she didn’t feel she had anything to apologize for herself. she has never said anything about feeling threatened by me until we confronted her a few days ago.
how can i deal with this when my entire family (aside from my younger sister) has normalized abuse? how can i move on without feeling like everything i did was wrong? im very firm in my story, i even have journal entries from the day it happened. therapy sessions. texts to my boyfriend’s dad from 30 minutes after everything happened. my story has never once changed and has never once hinged on what i THOUGHT might happen.
not only am i firm in my story but i am firm in my opinion that their actions are unjustified. especially toward my little sister. i just can’t shake the doubt. i don’t know if it’s the small part of me that still holds onto everything they instilled in me or what. i was just hoping for some advice i suppose. thank you for reading all of this.

this is going to be long. i don’t think i can capture the whole situation without some backstory. i’m doing my best to keep it brief.
let me start off by saying that my mom was a teen mom and i (23) am the oldest of her children. my biological father is not in the picture and he hasn’t been since i was very young. my mom always encouraged me to be comfortable in having no contact with him despite the fact that he was my father. if he treated me poorly, i shouldn’t have to put up with him. my mom married again, i got a younger sister out of that, and she divorced that man and is now with a man that is the father of none of her children. he has three kids of his own that he has always blatantly valued more than us. he always considered us ‘bad’ kids. especially my brother as he was the only boy in the house. this is no secret. its something we’ve brought to my mom’s attention ever since they met. something she even used to acknowledge. they’ve been together several years, probably since i was around 8 years old.
i’m from the south and they’re very classic conservative. as a kid i had a real problem with their homophobia before i even realized that i was queer. we used to get into horrible screaming matches over the things they said because at the time, they didn’t know they were saying these things about me. i think that’s the reason so much of the nasty things they said stuck with me for so many years.
fast forward to 2019. i moved with my boyfriend (who i feel it’s important to the story to mention is trans, but had not yet begun the process of transitioning when we first met so he was not out to my mother) she saw us as lesbians. i think this upset her because before i met my current boyfriend, i had been with a cis man.
in 2020, i lived with my boyfriend as well as his parents. they are much more open minded than my family. when covid came around my mom was quick to deny it. and that was not surprising to me in the slightest, it didn’t even really phase me. i didn’t act any different toward her, i just remember feeling lucky not to live there at the time because i was considered high risk. i also lived in an area of mainly people over 60. i do not want this to turn into a covid debate, but i feel that it’s crucial to what happened.
in november of 2020, i felt comfortable enough to visit her. we talked on the phone about it for months leading up to the visit and she made it very clear that she and the rest of my family that lived in her house had no problem wearing a mask for the few months leading up to my visit. this was really important to me as my step dad is a cop. he interacts very closely with people every day.
so when we visited, my mom had planned for all of us (myself, my boyfriend, my mom, my step dad, my younger sister, her friend, my older step sister, her husband, her toddler, and her newborn) to cram into a van together and go look at drive through christmas lights. we wouldn’t all fit legally in the same car and the lights were kind of a drive away, so my boyfriend had driven my mom’s car and my mom had driven the van. we stopped at a gas station close to our destination in order to pile into the van.
that’s when my step father and step sister went into the gas station without wearing masks. i felt lied to and disrespected by my mom so i admit that i was upset and probably wasn’t using the kindest tone, but this is not something i would ever cut contact over. i didn’t even want to argue about it.
i expressed that i was no longer comfortable cramming into a car with all of them after i’d discovered they had not been taking my concerns seriously. my boyfriend and i were going to drive my mother’s car back home and the rest of the group would continue on to see the lights. my mom was pissed off, but it wasn’t like her normal pissed off. i assumed it was because this was the first conflict we’d had since i moved out. still, i was sure she’d get over it.
the real problem started when my younger sister also expressed that she didn’t want to go. but her reason was vastly different from mine. she didn’t know that she would be forced to sit next to my older step sister’s husband (we’ll call him brad).
brad is not a nice person. he has a history of having sexually explicit conversations with minors. my entire family is aware of this, and he was still allowed to live in my mom’s house for almost a year. my younger sister once woke up from a nap on the couch to him standing over her. when he realized she was awake he just walked away without saying anything. he was eventually kicked out of my mom’s house because he masturbated in her dining room while my younger sister was in the kitchen. my older step sister caught him on camera doing this. they are still married now.
my younger sister expressed that she didn’t feel comfortable sitting so close to brad in the car. it caused a massive fight in the parking lot of this gas station. it ended with my step father trying to physically drag her out of the car. he was not successful, but my mom was so pissed off by this point that she decided to cancel the plans entirely and drive her car home with all of us in it. she drove like a maniac the entire hour home.
when we got back to her house, i immediately ran to gather my belongings. i intended to take my sister to our grandma’s house. i believed that what my step father had done to her was not acceptable. as i stomped into the room i was staying in i yelled to my mom that she was acting like a crazy fucking bitch. seems inconsequential but trust me it’s important.
i was in the bedroom gathering up my things when i heard my little sister saying “get off of me! get away!” i panicked and ran into the living room. i assumed she had been yelling at my step father so i was surprised when he caught me at the door and shoved me against the wall. their living room has a half wall, so i couldn’t see my sister. i panicked and struggled against my step father. i broke away from him once but he pushed me back again. he held me there until my boyfriend came out and physically put himself between us.
when i got away from him, i ran to my sister. her neck was red like someone had been grabbing it. i asked her what HE did to her. i still assumed it had been my step father. my sister just looked at me like she didn’t know what to say.
my mom was still standing there, just staring at us. i grabbed her shoulders and yelled that she was going to have to wake up and realize what was happening if she wanted to ever have a real relationship with any of us. she said “take your hands off of me.” and i did. i took my sister’s bag and grabbed her hand and walked toward the front door. my mom blocked us. she said she would call the police on me for kidnapping if i took my sister. my sister stood there and begged me not to leave her. how could i?
my mom had my sister’s phone and refused to give it back to her. we ended up just leaving it. i took my sister and we went to stay the night with my grandma. in the car, my sister told me it had been my mom who she was yelling at. my mom choked her into the couch because my sister had insisted that she was leaving.
the next day my sister’s biological father (who she lived with at the time) picked her up from our grandma’s and i went back home early with my boyfriend.
despite the fact that she let us stay with her, my grandma was not on our side. she was of the opinion that we should’ve just done as we were told and none of this would’ve happened.
my sister’s dad took her back to my mom’s house and made her apologize. she got her stuff back after that.
now four years have passed since then. my mom and i slowly started to communicate again but it has only been at a surface level ever since. i knew we couldn’t talk about such an intense topic without being in person. and it would feel wrong to bring it up on a visit. i moved back to my hometown last summer with the hope that i could really work out the issues between myself and my mom. my younger sister moved in with me when i moved back as she had graduated the same year.
we hadn’t really talked about what happened. i felt so bad for her having to continue to live in the environment that i didn’t want to ever bring it up. but now that we live on our own, it came up naturally. we both realized that we needed to talk to our mom about our problems in order to ever have a real connection.
so we did. we invited her over and did our best to talk things over. i knew my mom was not the best at taking criticism but i genuinely didn’t expect what played out.
i tried to bring up the things they said to me as a kid. things that made me feel wrong in my identity and made me feel like it would be easier for everyone if i just disappeared. she denies ever saying anything negative about gay people ever. she says that she has never ever said anything worse about gay people than that she doesn’t agree with them. that was definitely not all. just before i moved out i expressed to my step dad that he’d traumatized me with all of his anti-gay rhetoric. constantly calling me a faggot. dumb shit like that. his response was “obviously not enough.”
then i brought up how badly she hurt me that day. how i felt she’d chosen her husband over her children again. i couldn’t understand why she would think that choking my sister was okay. or her husband pinning me against the wall was okay. and then she told me it was because i was ‘charging into the room’ to beat her up.
i have never in all my years ever laid a finger on my mother. i adapted to that household by being agreeable and doing what i was told. the only time i ever stepped out of line was when it came to human rights. i was young and naive and i thought that if i could just say the right words i could make them understand. so those were the battles i chose in my childhood. i NEVER once threatened or even thought of hurting my mom.
she claims that when i heard my sister calling for help, i charged into the living room screaming at my mom. she claims THAT is when i called her a crazy fucking bitch.
i was quick to reassure her that i never ever wanted to hurt her. that it wasn’t even a thought in my head. that i hadn’t even known that SHE was the one doing anything to my sister. that i hadn’t even made it two feet into the living room before my step dad threw me back.
she doesn’t believe me.
she just says that it’s not about what she believes, it’s about what she witnessed. that she witnessed me planning to hurt her.
i know that i am not that kind of person. and i am not comfortable being around someone who would accuse me of such violence.
i explained my side of the story again and again and her only response was “no, no, no.”
my sister expressed that she felt it was wrong mom had choked her. my mom said that it was my sister’s fault because she wouldn’t “stop running her mouth” and refused to “sit her monkey ass down”
she ran out of the house shortly after this. we didn’t get to finish talking about much. i went into the bathroom to finish my panic attack alone and she called me. she said on the phone that if we were to talk, i would have to stop accusing her of things. to me, it seemed that she was accusing me of trying to hurt her. even in the face of being told it simply wasn’t true. i couldn’t articulate that point very well in the moment, though.
on this phone call she also said “you’re not going to tell me i have problems. you think YOU don’t have problems?” and i told her that i know i have problems that im just able to acknowledge that without lashing out. i told her that i hope one day she sees what i mean but i just can’t keep putting myself through this. i told her i loved her and then i hung up.
my mom also texted me that night in 2020 when everything happened. she said she felt wronged because i had called her such a horrible name. and i apologized then and there for calling her a crazy fucking bitch. her response was that she didn’t feel she had anything to apologize for herself. she has never said anything about feeling threatened by me until we confronted her a few days ago.
how can i deal with this when my entire family (aside from my younger sister) has normalized abuse? how can i move on without feeling like everything i did was wrong? im very firm in my story, i even have journal entries from the day it happened. therapy sessions. texts to my boyfriend’s dad from 30 minutes after everything happened. my story has never once changed and has never once hinged on what i THOUGHT might happen.
not only am i firm in my story but i am firm in my opinion that their actions are unjustified. especially toward my little sister. i just can’t shake the doubt. i don’t know if it’s the small part of me that still holds onto everything they instilled in me or what. i was just hoping for some advice i suppose. thank you for reading all of this.

I am in this whatsapp group for some time now. There's a friend that started talking to me a lot, and i started to bond. I felt close to him because he came near my city and said he wanted to meet me next time he comes here.. And we spoke a lot about places he wanted to visit here.
So.. we haven't been speaking for like 2 weeks because I wasn't checking so much that group until 3 days ago.
And now I see he is answering most of another woman's messages ( I like her also, she is very funny). But.. like a few minutes ago, she said that there was a guy bothering her.. and said to my friend that he should take care of that situation.
I felt in my body.. the chemical changes of splitting and started to hate them. Are they having a "thing"? I felt betrayed instantly. And decided to post here.
Writing is really helping me to calm down.
I am trying to look at the facts. They both live in another country. I don't know them in person. I don't have a relationship with them besides sharing the same group of a common interest. I don't know what is happening between them.. and it really is not my business.
Why does bpd do this to us? Why is it that I don't want to read that group anymore. Aff it's painful to feel something that I know makes no sense.
Obs. Even though I am venting, I can read advices. ❤️