Cheats on sorority life

Yes. I can now die in peace. All my insurance at benefits, are already settled. I'm just waiting for a right timing. I don't want to live anymore. Almost half of my life I gave it to him I'm 28 now, he wants to break up with me, because he said that I was controlling but he didn't know that I knew he was cheating on me. I'm trying to fix our relationship, begged, cried. But he doesn't care about me. My parents and friends don't know anything about this. It's just me! 😢 I don't have someone to talk to. Pain is very unbearable, like literally.. everyday. I want to kill myself. I don't know how to start over. I tired. So fucking tired.

AITAH for expecting my friend to accept my partner even though he tried to ruin her wedding
So I have known my partner for several years before we got together. Long story short he left his ex (who it had been over with for years prior to me but they lived together for their childrens sake) and moved straight in to my house with me and my daughter.
Quickly we talked about starting a family of our own but I was due to be a bridesmaid for my best friend and i said to him we needed to wait until after the wedding as my dress had been altered. He wasn't happy that I wanted to delay but eventually agreed.
Wedding rolls up and it's a beautiful day. Drinks are flowing and everyone is celebrating. At the end of the meal I was speaking with the bestman (who I have also known for years through the bride and groom) who had just lost his mum. I placed my hand on top of his and said I'm so sorry for your loss. My partner flipped out accused me of holding his hand sexually and cheating on him. He went with other guests but still ranted and raved about how disgusted he was with me. Even the bestman tried to reason with him but nothing worked.
The bride took me away to dance and take my mind off it all. Whilst the groom asked him to get a cab and leave. He refused and just stood watching us on the dancefloor ranting at everyone that I was vile and a cheat. The bride at this point had had enough. The groom tried to get him in the cab people had ordered for him but he wasn't for going. I tried to intervene and plead with him to go sleep it off. He then got in my face and was screaming at me. My daughter was in the middle trying to get him to stop. The bride got in the middle and separated us . He was then escorted out by groomsmen and put in a cab and sent to his hotel. I arrived at the hotel a bit later and went to get my stuff as another friend said we could stay in with her. He blew up at me again. Apparently the whole hotel could hear our argument and complained.
The next morning he was so apologetic. He blamed the booze (we all were very drunk) and that it's because he has never loved anyone like me before. My friend who is the bride was pissed. She said that her and her husband were fuming he had managed to turn their day to be about him and his insecurities. And that he had tried it on with a 17yr old and another bridesmaid. My partner denied it and said she's just bad mouthing him because she's jealous of us.
My friend seems to have everyone in our friend group on our side and none of them want to invite him with me to things..I told them they are all AH for it as he apologised to me for his behaviour and I've moved past it why can't they?
I also found out we are expecting a baby together! My friends have told me I'm making a big mistake having a child with him but he's being so affectionate and said this baby will make us stronger. He's a great stepdad to my daughter too (who doesn't have her father in her life as he walked out on us) and a great dad to his kids.
So AITHA?

My mother never accepted my wife into the family and we cut off contact. My wife is indeed a difficult case. She was abused in every possible way as a child and when she was a teen she was also for the first time sexually abused. This was a repeated experience for her, she tried to take her life. A lot of tragedies. We married when she was 23, I was 28. I thought me being there for her all the time, showing her a man can be safe, providing her the safety and a place to really call home, will heal her. But it didn't. We now have a 4 years old boy. I work in a lab, my career is still developing and she has long depressive episodes. I have to tell her to shower, it is that bad. I take our boy to kinder garden, try to cook for them, also have a job. She lost her job recently because she just didn't wake up. She has nightmares, panic attacks. It is getting too much for me and also for the boy. He wants his mother, he adores her. But she doesn't want him or me near her. She talks about being a bad mom, bad wife, useless. I try to get her to therapy, but she won't go anywhere without me and I cannot keep taking days off for this. I am already exhausted. I am in total burn out. I gave up gym, friends gatherings, reading, netlix. For the past month I cook, clean, take care of them both, go to work. A neighbour sometimes helps me with the kid, but my wife thinks I will cheat on her with the girl, so I no longer accept her help. I called my mother today, told her about the situation. I even cried. I asked her for help with the boy. If she takes the boy for a few days at least, I could get some rest. But her answer was that she told me to not marry that wreck of a woman and now to deal with her and her kid. She will not take care of that woman's kid.
I am exhausted. And my mother hurt me too so bad. I decided I will order food for a while, but I still need to deal with the kid and with her. I love her so much and I know she loves me. I feel ashamed for describing her this way. She is a beautiful inside and out woman who was terrible abused. I also feel betrayed by my mother.
I don't even know what the question here is. I just wanted to take it all out

Let me just start by asking everyone to be gentle, I don't like to post about my life because I already know it's a mixed bag. This is a bit long and there's no way to sum it up with a TLDR so don't read if you're not prepared for a couple paragraphs.
I've 27F been with my partner 24M for 2 years now, and I admit our relationship has always been a bit chaotic. I love him, so very much. But he's left me and come back a handful of times, said some really hateful things, gone days without speaking to me without saying why. Refuses to communicate, ever, unless its rude comments or hurtful words. I don't want to necessarily get into it all because that's not 100% what this post is about. Long story short, I put up with a lot, but believe me when I say that he has a million great qualities as well and when his mental health isn't acting up, he's a joy and a blessing. So I try and be patient and understanding.
Our phones have never been an issue, he uses mine to look stuff up and his has always been at my disposal if I ever wanted to use it, which generally I don't. But I grabbed it yesterday to look someone up on Facebook, and when I hit the search bar, naturally his recent searches pop up. Several, not one or two, but several girls are in his recent searches. I click on one, thinking maybe it's someone we know. No mutual friends, nothing. Just a pretty woman. Same to the next. I stop and turn to him and ask very calmly what he was doing looking at these girls' profiles.
IMMEDIATELY he blows up. Very agitated and short with me. First he doesn't know what I'm talking about, then he says he just clicked on them from the "People You May Know," then he said they were girls he knew in high-school. Trying my best to ignore his borderline hostile attitude, I ask why he would be looking up girls he vaguely knew over 5 years ago that he wasn't friends with and instead of an answer, he asks why I'm even on his Facebook and he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I'm being an idiot.
Now, like I said, I put up with a lot with this man and his seemingly very bipolar and/or manic depressive moods, but lately it has been every single day. We have a 6 month old and I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship and he gets regularly agitated with both of them and more often than not I solo parent, even if he's there. I let him sleep all day sometimes. When I gave birth to our son, I had surgery in the hospital and simultaneously had a kidney infection and the flu and he still didn't help at all, would sleep for 12 hours a day, and get frustrated the moment I handed him the baby and the baby would cry. He's frequently short with my oldest son, very snappy overall.
I try my best not to say anything about him not helping with the kids very much or about sleeping all day or even his regular and frequent personality changes, though I admit when he's rude to either one of my kids I am snappy with him and tell him he can't behave that way to them or he needs to go away. Which generally he will choose to go away. And he will never communicate about any of this, I could talk until I was blue in the face and he still wouldn't respond, which is where the silent treatments come in.
Despite all of this I stay, because like I said, he can be a very wonderful, fun, loving and caring person and dad. But lately that side of him has been less and less frequent. He's distant unless he's excited about something that happened at his new job, or the book he's writing, or something that makes him happy. Otherwise, he's angry, snappy, or silent. And now the stupid facebook stalking women has come into play. And yes I do know it's not necessarily cheating, but it's very borderline, as if he's thinking about it. I don't know.
This post has turned into a ramble but I'm struggling to come to terms with ending the relationship and the life we've tried so hard to build. We're married now, we bought a house last summer, obviously we have a baby. The good parts are so amazingly good, which is why the bad parts always blindside me and leave me grasping at straws.

I am 23 now and my life was never that great but it was okay. I grew up poor as an immigrant kid in a country that really isn't nice to foreigners but I pushed through and did good academically.
I met a girl I really liked and we ended up being a couple and I also got accepted into university to study engineering. something that my father was denied back in his home country due to his ethnicity. At that point I though my life is finally going to be good and I was excited.
But ever since then I did not experience a single good day in my life.
My girlfriend left me and I found out she had been cheating on me for almost a year before leaving. I failed some of my exams after this but managed to recover and not get kicked out of school.
Then as if I wasn't doing bad enough two family members died in a freak car accident. And just a week after the funerals, my uncle who I was really close to and who basically raised me got diagnosed with MS.
During that time all my friends distanced themselves from me and my parents got colder towards me, too. I am genuinely alone. Lonely and alone and this is the reason I am posting on here in the first place. I do not have a single soul to talk to.
But I was able to take all of this until two days ago when my younger brother overdosed and almost died and I got diagnosed with a genetic disease that makes me unable to play football anymore (my only real outlet) and will probably kill my heart at like 50.
I feel nothing most of the day except for small episodes where I either feel fear or rage nothing else.
I can't study, I can't work properly, I can't sleep.
My whole world and my own body are falling apart and it feels like ever since I turned 20 life just keeps finding new ways to torture me.

Hey, I’m really shaky right now considering everything just happened but here it is
My dad cheated on my mother a month ago, she hasn’t been dealing well with it. They planned to give it a year but there has been arguing everyday. I’ve been playing mediator and trying to fix their relationship. Talking to them both, trying to say that it’d be okay.
Well, today all hell broke loose again but this time it was violent. They physically attacked eachother and my ma went to retrieve a knife, the one that I had bought her for Christmas (she’s a chef), a Japanese forged knife and tried to stab herself with it before I stopped her. And pleaded with my life for her to drop it. It took 10 minutes that felt like hours but she dropped it, I threw it in my room.
The police are now here and honestly, I don’t know what the fuck to do.

My (33M) now ex-fiancée (34F) broke up with me about two weeks ago (my fault entirely, and no, I didn't cheat). We were together for about 2.5 years. Since the breakup, I've moved out and we've been no-contact since the breakup (her explicit instructions, which I'm continuing to honor).
Since the breakup, I've been a mess - a lot of overthinking, too much drinking alone, depression naps, not enough sleep, irregular / not nutritious meals, etc. The silver lining among all of this is that I've come to terms with how badly I messed up. I had everything my heart could've ever dreamed of and more; a loving partner, a soulmate, an eventual mother to our children, a travel buddy, someone to share Pinterest project ideas with, someone to plan out our home garden, and a best friend. But, I blew it, and I'm dealing with the consequences of no longer having her by my side.
Part of me clings on to the hope that she'll one day reach out and give me a second chance to show her that I truly do love her, another opportunity to actually do what we dreamed of. But the other part of me keeps saying, "You screwed up beyond comprehension, and she's never coming back." It's maddening. On a day-to-day basis, I keep thinking about her. I keep wanting to tell her how I feel and how sorry I am, and it's wearing me down. But I know that if there is even the most miniscule chance of her giving me another chance, I can't force it. I can't break her desire for no-contact.
So, regardless if you were broken up or did the breaking up, how do you pick up the pieces? How do you cope in a healthy way? I've restarted therapy, but there's a lot to unpack. And it's going to take a long time. Every time I have an idea about what to do (go for a walk, journal, exercise, take the dog on a hike, etc.), my mind switches to, "What's the point?" I then become paralyzed and can't bring myself to do anything to improve my mental well-being. I don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Life without her just seems so dull, and my heart doesn't want anyone else. I messed up, and I need help.
Thank you in advance.

My (33M) now ex-fiancée (34F) broke up with me about two weeks ago (my fault entirely, and no, I didn't cheat). We were together for about 2.5 years. Since the breakup, I've moved out and we've been no-contact since the breakup (her explicit instructions, which I'm continuing to honor).
Since the breakup, I've been a mess - a lot of overthinking, too much drinking alone, depression naps, not enough sleep, irregular / not nutritious meals, etc. The silver lining among all of this is that I've come to terms with how badly I messed up. I had everything my heart could've ever dreamed of and more; a loving partner, a soulmate, an eventual mother to our children, a travel buddy, someone to share Pinterest project ideas with, someone to plan out our home garden, and a best friend. But, I blew it, and I'm dealing with the consequences of no longer having her by my side.
Part of me clings on to the hope that she'll one day reach out and give me a second chance to show her that I truly do love her, another opportunity to actually do what we dreamed of. But the other part of me keeps saying, "You screwed up beyond comprehension, and she's never coming back." It's maddening. On a day-to-day basis, I keep thinking about her. I keep wanting to tell her how I feel and how sorry I am, and it's wearing me down. But I know that if there is even the most miniscule chance of her giving me another chance, I can't force it. I can't break her desire for no-contact.
So, regardless if you were broken up or did the breaking up, how do you pick up the pieces? How do you cope in a healthy way? I've restarted therapy, but there's a lot to unpack. And it's going to take a long time. Every time I have an idea about what to do (go for a walk, journal, exercise, take the dog on a hike, etc.), my mind switches to, "What's the point?" I then become paralyzed and can't bring myself to do anything to improve my mental well-being. I don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Life without her just seems so dull, and my heart doesn't want anyone else. I messed up, and I need help.
Thank you in advance.

Several years ago, my BP cheated on me, physically with one person (a drunken one night stand) and an emotional affair with person (a "friend" I always had bad feelings about - texting inappropriate pics, sharing loving feelings with each other and talking badly about me). This was only a few months into us dating, but I didnt find out until 2 and a half years and moving in together. They were extremely remorseful, claimed they were planning on telling me, and ultimately did everything right as far as helping me heal and reconcile. I felt like it took about 2-3 months for me to decide I was ready to forgive and move on. But I did. I mean, I never really forgot it, and still would look at the both of the AP's social media accts and would compare myself to them constantly. But overall, I felt like we were in a good place after a few months and really did come out stronger. My trust in them was restored and we were good. We got engaged, got married, bought a new house. We were truly happy.
About 2 and a half months ago I had an emotional affair, texting and talking on the phone, with an old friend who lives in another state, that lasted a little under two weeks. This friend and I did share a history of hooking up, but this was years ago when we were teens/early 20's. They had reached out kind of out of nowhere, to tell me their marriage was on the rocks. I expressed sympathy and offered support. Then they went on to tell me they have always been in love with me, for 22 years. I was taken aback. In hindsight, I wish so badly I had just shown my spouse this text right away. But I stupidly thought I could just handle it on my own and avoid making them uncomfortable (again...huge regret). Anyway, I told them that I cared deeply for them, but that I was happily married and boundaries needed to be respected. They agreed. We continued to text, at first just innocent things about what we had been up to over the past few years since we last saw each other. Then they told me they had made a suicide attempt recently. This scared and upset me, so I went on to tell them how much I loved them. They then told me I "saved their life" by telling them this, because they had been in such a bad place. The texts just got out of control after that. I am not saying that to act like I had no control. I know I did. But I started to feel feelings for them (or I thought I did) and honestly, was eating up the ego boost they were giving me. Messed up, I know. I have serious insecurities and vulnerability when it comes to people from my past. Again, no excuse. Anyway, eventually it lead to us being really inappropriate, talking about our past sexual moments with each other, how much we wanted to see eachother, how great it would be, etc. I sent them a picture of me, no nudity, but definitely suggestive.
Shortly after that, the guilt consumed me, I blocked their number, and I confessed to my spouse. I admittedly trickle truthed at first, saying it was all the AP, but as the conversation went on, I admitted I also reciprocated, told them I loved them, talked about sex, and sent them a photo of me. Spouse was of course pissed and devastated.
The NEXT day, AP's spouse texted me. They said they knew all along. AP had been deleting our texts, but they still saw everything on their phone records. Shockingly, they werent flipping out on me. They actually said that their marriage was terrible for years, that this was mild compared to other things AP had done, and this was finally their "out". They actually even thanked me. But of course, also said this was real disgusting of both of us. They said that they could have reached out to my spouse several times but didn't. They said they had possession of Ap's phone (including the picture), and that everything they had would be destroyed after their divorce was final. They also told me that AP manipulated me (that they use threats of suicide all the time), and that even though I was wrong too, it was AP "who sunk their claws into me". They told me to show my spouse what they were saying so that maybe it would help. I did, and it did help a little bit. They also said they believe I am a good person. All of this was a relief to hear, even though I didnt feel deserving of such grace. They said that I could give my spouse their number if they ever needed to vent, but that they wouldnt pull up the facts they had because that is not helpful or healthy. Spouse didnt want to do that. All of my texts with them had already been deleted on my phone, which I had done in state of panic before confessing. So my spouse hasnt actually seen anything that was said and has only my words to go off of.
After about three days of talking and crying, and me telling BP how remorseful I was and that I would do anything to save us, BP said they wanted to work through this and stay with me. I was relieved of course, but still felt so awful, and honestly, still scared that they will leave. At one point, they even said they felt like they deserved this because of their cheating. And that what they did was worse because they actually physically slept with someone else. I told them that I didnt feel that way at all.
Flash forward, Dday was almost three months ago. We are in MC and our own IC weekly. I am still a wreck and consumed with guilt, shame, and fear for our future. BP, at least on the outisde, is seemingly doing fine. They said they already forgiven me (they are still "mad" but they are ready to move on). They believe me when I say I would never do this again. I know for a fact I would never. They dont talk about the infidelity, only if I bring it up (saying how sorry I am and asking if they are okay). Recently they said that they are tired of worrying about how i am doing (fair!). They are tired of the heavy conversations. They just want us to be "normal" again. I want that too, but... is this rugsweeping? Is their past cheating possibly the reason they seem so quick to forgive?
In everythig I am reading about affairs, it says reconcillation can take 3-5 years. Is it realistic that some people really do move on after just 3 months? I just dont want them to surpess their feelings. I want to be their for them and work through this together. But they are tired of talking about it. Again, this is totally fair. I just worry it isnt healthy. Then again, l felt ready to move on after just a few months.
I would really love to hear from successful reconcillors who maybe were the exception to the 3-5 year rule. Everyone is different, and of course as strangers, you dont know my spouse personally so you cant say for sure, but given what I have told you about our story, what are your thoughts?
I am looking for those who have direct experiences with this. Please refrain from negativity such as "No one gets over it that soon, things will be never be the same, etc" I promise I am aware of the harsh reality that not all marriages survive infidelity and that the road to recovery is long and really hard. I am willing to do the work, I am working on changing, and I will do anything to reconcille this and rebuild BP's trust in me (I know that also means forgiving myself, which is proving very difficult, but I am trying!) Thanks in advance!!

My (33M) now ex-fiancée (34F) broke up with me about two weeks ago (my fault entirely, and no, I didn't cheat). We were together for about 2.5 years. Since the breakup, I've moved out and we've been no-contact since the breakup (her explicit instructions, which I'm continuing to honor).
Since the breakup, I've been a mess - a lot of overthinking, too much drinking alone, depression naps, not enough sleep, irregular / not nutritious meals, etc. The silver lining among all of this is that I've come to terms with how badly I messed up. I had everything my heart could've ever dreamed of and more; a loving partner, a soulmate, an eventual mother to our children, a travel buddy, someone to share Pinterest project ideas with, someone to plan out our home garden, and a best friend. But, I blew it, and I'm dealing with the consequences of no longer having her by my side.
Part of me clings on to the hope that she'll one day reach out and give me a second chance to show her that I truly do love her, another opportunity to actually do what we dreamed of. But the other part of me keeps saying, "You screwed up beyond comprehension, and she's never coming back." It's maddening. On a day-to-day basis, I keep thinking about her. I keep wanting to tell her how I feel and how sorry I am, and it's wearing me down. But I know that if there is even the most miniscule chance of her giving me another chance, I can't force it. I can't break her desire for no-contact.
So, regardless if you were broken up or did the breaking up, how do you pick up the pieces? How do you cope in a healthy way? I've restarted therapy, but there's a lot to unpack. And it's going to take a long time. Every time I have an idea about what to do (go for a walk, journal, exercise, take the dog on a hike, etc.), my mind switches to, "What's the point?" I then become paralyzed and can't bring myself to do anything to improve my mental well-being. I don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Life without her just seems so dull, and my heart doesn't want anyone else. I messed up, and I need help.
Thank you in advance.

Specifically I mean with their autism.
I am pretty much convinced that I have autism. It would explain everything.
But I’m an adult female who, I have to assume, is good enough at masking that no one has ever figured it out. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd and I want to find out about ASD, but I don’t even know if I fully believe the ADHD part yet. It would explain all my grades in school, my tendency to save everything for the last minute, my constant lateness, my day dreaming, literally everything. But still I wonder, am I just trying to make excuses for myself?
It doesn’t help that there’s a strong stigma against adults looking for diagnosis. It also really doesn’t help that it’s “trendy” or whatever, so even mentioning it has people rolling their eyes.
The “trendiness” is what brought ADHD to my attention, more or less. At least, learning from others who made their diagnosis public (“hm, these ladies with adhd in this study group I’m in use a lot of the same study methods I use 🤔” that’s where the journey started). But now I am learning about autism and COULD IT BE AUTISTIC BURNOUT IM EXPERIENCING?! I’ve been struggling, a lot, in my adult years with work and school and having kids and trying to manage all the things. I can’t help but wonder if I’m looking for an excuse, or a defense for why I am this way. I’m questioning my own reality here.
But if it isn’t just an excuse, why don’t I have friends? Why do I struggle to focus in school or move up at work? Why am I booksmart but also soooo dumb sometimes? Why do people look at me like I’m dumb when I make any comment about anything ever? Why do I repel friendship? Why do people seem to like me less the more I speak? Why does no one take me seriously? What am I missing?
It’s a spectrum, so what if I’m autistic but not autistic enough?
Will doctors even take me seriously if I ask them about screening? Is this all just a procrastination technique so I can avoid homework some more?
FML.
How do adults go about getting serious diagnoses? I’m afraid to even ask my new doctor about getting medicated for my adhd because I can’t help but feel like I’m just trying to cheat the system to get my hands on controlled substances. But I didn’t abuse them, and they worked. That means they’re right for me, right?
But I’m an adult. I shouldn’t need medication to meet the expectations of daily life, like showing up to work when I’m scheduled instead of calling out “sick” because I’m too exhausted to wrap my brain around working. I mean, is there anyone who isn’t tired? Is there anyone who doesn’t have to force themselves to get up and go to work every day?
FML.
WTF IS THIS IMPOSTER SYNDROME?!
I need so many answers that I just don’t have 😩

I’m struggling so much 3 months later! He would get frustrated when I tried to console him about “work stress” saying “it makes me feel bad when you say sorry.. stop saying that.” He told me he felt he trapped me in his “work life” (he works 24/7), that I’m just an innocent bystander, that he feels bad because “I’ve been through enough”. I would hold him while he cried about “work”..
Then I go through his phone and he’s sneaking around with his married ex. He never admits he cheated even though he admitted her husband didn’t know about them talking, she blocked me on Facebook (when apparently she didn’t know about me), and I’m still trying to figure out what STI he gave me months after we’ve broken up.
He knew what he was doing. He looked my sibling in the eyes and said he wouldn’t hurt me.. then 3 months later he’s compromising my physical and mental health. He saw me go to doctors’ appointments multiple times per week trying to figure out what was wrong with me, watching me cry because of the pain and frustration, while sleeping with this woman.
And the worst is he got away with it. My family refuses to “get involved” and thinks I’m overreacting, even when my sibling told my ex he would beat the shit out of him if he hurt me. I’m not being invited around people I’ve known since I was a kid because he told them I’m mentally unwell and went through his phone. I am isolated, I am in physical pain, my mental health has tanked, and he has been thriving and socializing. How could someone be a corporate sponsor of my family’s foundation for my dead sibling and still cheat and lie and throw me to the curb? He knew what he was doing but didn’t care.

F26, inexperienced, dating advice
Hi! I’m a 26 year old woman. I have been in 2 relationships in my whole Life, my first ex of 6mo, and my 2nd ex of 2 years who I just broke up with. My 2nd ex is actually my ex fiancé, who I lost my virginity to. Even so, we only did so a handful of times. He taught/told me a lot about how men think. I have a few questions for any men who would be willing to answer

1. Would most men prefer a woman have more than 1 body? Obviously not a ton like 20+ but more than 1? I’ve heard men dont like feeling “compared” to someone else so directly.
   
2. Same concept, but with the fact that I was engaged. Especially since I was the one who called off the engagement. Would this be intimidating for most men?
   
3. My 1st ex cheated on me, and my 2nd ex told me that if I tell other men I was treated poorly in the past, they would be more likely to treat me poorly. Is that true?
   
4. Although I have a very high sex drive, I try not to have sex mostly due to my religion (but also my ex didn’t seem very good at it), I have no idea how to navigate dating now. Do people typically have sex on the first date? How do I let a guy know that I’m not really interested in sex until we are at least engaged? Would most guys be okay waiting even though I’m not a virgin?
   

Okay, so I’m doing my second playthrough and I can’t for the life of me figure out how I beat Fell Xenologue the first time… specifically I’m on map 5 (you know the one), I’ve tried so many unit line ups, unit/emblem combos and unit/emblem skill combos, but I just can’t beat it, all my healers die immediately, the boss takes next to no damage, and Fogado cheats when he gets to summon multiple fabrications (what gives, Veronica? why can’t you do that?!)
I’ve been making sure one unit has Lyn so they can snipe the corrupted wyverns attacking Alear, I equip Nel with Celica so she can Warp Ragnarok her way over to my other units, I’ve made sure one unit has Tiki so that Nel can have two health bars, I typically bring a unit with Ike because Great Aether is a good last stand option. I’ve tried bringing Micaiah but I can pretty much only use Great Sacrifice once and then that unit either dies immediately next turn or sits in a corner not being able to build up their engage meter.
It also kinda frustrates me that my units have set stats and levels because I have a strategy I do every time I play a FE game where I load every stat boosting item on a single character. Lapis was practically unstoppable before and now she’s very stoppable.
What are some suggestions for best units and emblems to bring? At the time I’m locked into the mission I have all emblems except for Marth (I pretty much wanted to do the Xenologue fairly late game, but not too late, so I started right after regaining Celica in the story)

So the intro is from J Cole obviously.
Couple of side notes.
Im not a native English speaker so bare with me on the grammer and stuff.
I will try to be as clear as i can be but that probably gonna be hard
Not sure what i wanna get out of this post but here it goes...
Im a 34 year old dude who probably has everything in life to be happy. Got loving parents and family, got a couple of good friends, pretty sportive and tall, nice job, no debts other than student loans which isnt that much.
So last year my EX gf broke up with me, but to put things into perspective i will start in january 2022. In january 2022 i had some issues(cardiac arrhythmia) with my heart, nothing that could kill me but still unpleasent. It made me introvert and not a very lovely person to be around. Not that i would get mad just always low on energy. 2 weeks prior to this we bought our first house and moved to the city my ex gf grew up in. It was cool with me, i liked her family and it was only 30k from where we lived the past 6 years.
So we moved in, on april 2022. Everything was going well i just couldnt handle everything since the cardiac arrhythmia wasnt fixed. My boss knew of the issues and the company was pretty helpfull. But on may 2022 my colleague announced he was gonna quit and leave the company. That made me responsible for everyting on the department. I had a hard time with this.
In june 2022 they finally fixed my heart and it felt like i could move forward again. It would take a little time to get back in shape and stuff but that shouldnt be a big deal because i like sports.
Then my ex gf and i had a discussion about a puppy. I wasnt the biggest fan but since she really wanted one i could put my personal opinion aside and just go with it. BIG MISTAKE. A puppy is pretty hard work, we were prepared but i guess that wasnt enough.
When the puppy came in august i just totally couldnt handle everthing. New city, just got back from the heart stuff, lots of stress on the job and a cute but ffing crazy puppy running around. So at the end of august i called in sick at work, i was facing a burn out and couldnt get out of this.
On the other side my ex gf was happy because she made a promotion, moved closer to her family and got her puppy. From august 2022 to december 2022 we lived together but werent really a couple anymore. It hurt me but i was pretty much waiting for me to feel better and start life again. At the end of december i was getting better bit by bit.
We went to the christmas market in Cologne and i hoped this was the turning point. We were gonna be there for 2 nights. Couple days before we left my ex gf asked if it was okay to just go one night because the was an event at here work on the second day. I was like, sure if you really wanna go.
So she went to the event and i went home. She didnt came home that night, at the time i didnt think anything about it. The next day i picked her up and she looked sooo hungover, this was december 23rd. We went to her family the 24th and the plan was to go to mine the 25th. The puppy had some stressfull days so we decided it was best for the puppy to not come to my family. My ex ''voluntered'' to watch him. I wasnt to pleased with that but i was a little mad at how she acted the last couple of days so i just went alone.
The following weeks things werent going very smooth. We didnt talk much and when one was taking care of the puppy the other was going to friends or going to the gym or something. Again, no red flags for me, boy was i wrong. In the middle of january she dropped the bomb and said she needed some time alone. After one week we got back together and she said she needed another week. After two weeks she said the same thing. But i wasnt having that, so i didnt go along. Thats when she broke up with me. At that time i saw it coming a little because if you wanna live apart for 3 weeks after living together for 7 years that says enought.
2 minutes after she broke up with me i asked what had happend that night when she didnt came home. She admitted she cheater with a colleague. So i was thinking all these crazy thing like how she had been cheating for months and stuff(a couple months later i believe that was the only cheating thing she did)
The aftermath. I left the house and went back to the city we lived in for 10+ years. She got to keep the house with a crazy good mortgage. I lost some money, couple of 1000 euro. We had to deal with the paperwork. I was going to play it cool untill i found out she slept with that colleague again 2 weeks after breaking up but still living in the same house. Thats when something snapped in my mental. From february 2023 till june 2023 i was really struggling mentally. In june i started dating again just to have some hookups and boost my confidence.
In september 2023 i had this date with an awesome girl. I really liked her and things went great from the start. She is my current girlfriend who i really like and i know she really loves me too. The hard part is that i ran away from my ex gf and never got a decent closure. I wasnt thinking much about it untill yesterday when i had sort of an argument with my gf. It wasnt about anything important but it hit me emotionally.
When we got home she asked if i still saw the future like how i saw it with my ex. That i hold on to too many thing from that relationship. I mean sure, i like some things i did with my ex. We played the same sport and i like to introduce my current girlfriend to the sport and visit a pro game every once in a while. But my gf said she had the feeling she had to act like my ex and also had to like the game.
Also i kind of hate my ex, she cheated, she dumped me when i wasnt doint to well and she got the benefit of the house. The last year i thought alot about it but i wasnt seeing how much it still affected my day to day mental. I think my gf just started my process that i should have started last february when my ex broke up with me. I didnt give myself any time to grief over it.
SO basically this post is the start to get over my ex of maybe to see that life is awesome and that all the shit went down just led me to this awesome girl who can read my like a book and want to help me get back on the saddle and have an awesome life with here.
Also, this maybe sound crazy to you guys. But i shouldnt be mad anymore. It sounds so simple but the last year and a bit i was just a bitter dude who got dumped. Its time to look forward and to live again.
I you read this far. You are awesome, if not, you can also read the TL;DR below.
TL;DR My ex dumped me after i got a hard time with heart problems, a burn out and moving to the city she grew up in. After we broke up she got to keep the house which is benicifial and i lost a couple grand. Now i have a new girlfriend and she feels like im not over that situation yet because i still spreak bad about my ex and i feel like she betrayed me. But i realised, maybe 1 year to late i should just let it go and enjoy life right here and right now.

I'll start with our background. We started dating in our late teens, were both raised very conservative and religious, but have not been for a very long time. Between dating and being married we've been together nearly 20 years. We both only had 1 sexual partner prior from previous relationships that we both thought were mistakes and wish we'd been each other's first. I definitely have a stereotypical guy high libido, but I'd always thought I didn't need a bunch of sexual conquests because I'd be happy just doing all those things with the person I love.
 
Along the way my wife came out as bi. This didn't bother me at all, especially with her stance at the time of "It just means I also find women attractive just like I find some other men attractive, but I'm married and happy with you so that's not something I need act on". She said she'd probably been bi a long time, but took a long time to admit it to herself due to religious upbringing. I also have an unconventional curiosity. Basically I'm a straight guy, but I happen to find dicks attractive at times despite not being attracted to the rest of the male body. About 3-ish years ago she brought up the topic of if she could act on her curiosities with women. She wanted to try making out and maybe playing with boobs, but seemed extremely hesitant at the prospect of anything below the waist. Since she brought that up I asked about if I'd be able act on my curiosity, with a bonus benefit of maybe it being an outlet for me as well with our struggling sex life (at the time she had a very low libido and I'd get rejected 95% of the time when I tried to initiate sex). After discussing we essentially ended up opening the marriage with the boundaries being:

• She couldn't do anything with other men (nor did she want to).
• I couldn't do anything with other (cis) women.
• It would only be for physical fun. Neither of us could have a romantic relationship with someone else. (I knew and told her there was a high probability I would end up feeling neglected/jealous/insecure if I had to share her romantically). So no gf or bf, just a FWB at most.
• She didn't want this to be something that happened frequently.

Now initially I felt completely fine with the prospect of her fooling around with women. I guess it was just kinda the typical male fantasies of 2 women getting sexual together being hot and who knows if that'd potentially lead to a threesome later (though she no gave indication of that being a possibility). She seemed more hesitant at the prospect of me acting on my curiosities, but gave permission since she thought it only seemed fair if she was allowed to act on hers. I started looking after that and ended up finding a pre-op trans woman. This kinda clicked with me since I was attracted to dick, but not male bodies. We met up and she fucked me. Physically things felt good, but the combination of it being my first time having casual sex and it being very unconventional sex made it feel really awkward for me. Afterwards I felt terrible, like I had cheated. When I told my wife I was literally trembling. She was shocked that I actually did it, and said she felt a little weird but that ultimately she was fine with it. I felt better after she wasn't mad or anything. Now a more stereotypical big kink for me is anal, but I've hardly ever got to try it to even know if it lives up to the reputation of the fantasy I've built up of it in my head. My wife had always been super dead set against even trying it, eventually let me try a couple of times after we'd been married for years, but essentially had her mind made up it was going to be terrible before we even got started so that kinda fell flat despite technically getting to try it. I asked if I could try anal with a trans woman since cis women were off the table. She gave me permission, then a small number of weeks later I met up with the same trans woman and fucked her. Despite physically feeling good, it still felt super awkward to me. I basically ended up coming away with the lesson that casual sex isn't all it's cracked up to be and I HIGHLY prefer sex be with someone I'm very emotionally attached to (aka, my wife).
 
I texted my wife at work to let her know right after it happened. Apparently she let out an audible "god dammit" after she read the text. She said she was fine with it but started kinda giving signs that she was uneasy. It seemed like every few weeks she'd ask in a concerned tone if I'd done anything else since then and I'd tell her I hadn't (the truth) and that if I did I'd tell her. I'd still get horny at times, the fantasy would sound more appealing, I'd browse around online some for an opportunity but between people being flaky and me kinda feeling unsure if I should, nothing ever happened again. I'd mentioned to my wife about browsing around some and I can't remember her specific words now but it gave me the feeling she wasn't crazy about it. Eventually I told her I'd basically given up on that and deleted my relevant accounts. Her response was "good", and not long after that she gave me a hug and said she just prefers monogamy. She didn't explicitly say I couldn't do anything else or that the marriage was closed, but it seemed soft closed after that. I'd occasionally fantasize about my stuff, but post nut clarity after porn was basically that the fantasy was more enticing than the reality. She never attempted to search out someone for her curiosity during this time.
 
The beginning of last year my wife got off her birth control that she'd been on for years. A month or two after that her libido started to come back and things have been great. We'd been very fulfilled and don't feel like I need any other outlet. Early this year she mentioned she wanted to try to act on her curiosity now and asked if I was still ok with it. I said I was, and I guess it seemed fair given I got to act on mine before. It was still the same boundaries we set before and she reiterated it'd probably be some infrequent thing. I think she really started in earnest in March. She kissed a friend, but the friend didn't want to go further than that and make things weird. I felt kinda weird, but I still felt fine at that point. Then she started talking to a girl online, met up in public to get to know each other a bit more, gave a kiss goodbye, and had rough plans that when their schedules/privacy aligned they'd meet up for something sexual. I still felt ok at this point, but then my wife started borderline getting obsessed and it started making me more and more uneasy. She hadn't even done anything with this girl yet but was talking about trying to do this every couple of weeks, saying very poorly worded things such as "what does 'romantic relationship' even mean?" (she later clarified on that, but at the time sure felt like she was purposely trying to push on boundaries). When she could tell I was getting uneasy she'd say stuff like "if you pull the plug on this then I won't be happy not getting to explore this part of myself". There were 2 separate times that when her plans with a woman got cancelled she was so distraughtly disappointed that couldn't get back to sleep and had to call in to work because she had horribly under slept.
 
She talks about how I owe her at least 2 times since that's what I got, but she's kissed 5 women since this started, fooled around with 2 of them above the waist, and wanted below the waist too but badly timed periods kept her from that. She says none of that counts towards her 2 times because they weren't full on sex. I want to be comfortable with it for her, but I just can't seem to be anymore. I feel like it'd be dickish to cut her off before her 2 times, but even when I talk to her about the prospect of closing the marriage after her 2 times she can never seem to acknowledge that she could accept that. She just says stuff like "I just really hope you don't" and "I hope we can find some compromise where we can both be happy". She now says I can look for a woman to do anal with. I tried to entertain that idea, but ultimately felt like I just don't want to bother with all that hassle for casual sex (further complicated by a lot of people not wanting to deal with married men, and even more complicated by them needing to be up for anal). She's now mentioned she'd try anal with me some more now if that'll make me ok with her stuff. She does specify that I'm the one she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with and that she's not going to leave me for a woman, but that she wants to explore this part of her sexuality. She's also been very affectionate and sexual with me because she says she doesn't want me to feel like neglected over this. She doesn't explicitly say this, but she acts more like it's a need now instead of a curiosity or want. At this point I'm pretty sure I just want monogamy with her. I want our sex lives to just between us and nobody else being with her like that. I feel like if my curiosity had turned into some big thing I was super excited about to do a bunch and she expressed anywhere near as much turmoil about it as I have then I would've stopped right then and there, or at the extreme least slow walk it until we maybe get on a better page about things.
 
Last weekend she really hurt my feelings. For background, the whole time we've been together she has hardly ever let me go down on her. I always found this strange since women are suppose to love that, but I've got so little experience with it that I don't even know how much I do or don't like doing it. There was one time she let me do it long enough to get her off (though now says she doesn't remember that), and nearly all the other times she stopped me after less than a minute. For the most part I just hardly ever try that anymore since getting shot down so much kinda trains you to not even make attempts very much anymore. I'm also 95% sure a few weeks back while we were discussing things I said I'd be pretty unhappy/hurt if she let a woman go down on her since she pretty much won't let me do that (which she says she doesn't remember me saying). Anyway, she mentioned one of the women wants to meet up again next weekend and that the woman is really eager to go down on her (and my wife implying she was fine with this). I think I was dumbfounded at first, then after I had time to process it I was pretty hurt that she was willing to let a stranger do that when she'd barely ever let me. She was baffled that I was so "hung up" about that. We argued and she eventually said she was fine with me doing that now, wants to do that with me and just hadn't thought about it, and that it'd been about her personal hang ups on it and not about me. I asked if she could just tell the woman not to do that part or say she's not ready for that part yet, but then she was upset that I was "trying to dictate" what she can and can't do when she hooks up. I just really wanted to be the first to explore that properly with her for at least a little while instead of it being with a stranger that's probably far more experienced with it than me (not by my choice). I did get to go down on her for a full session last night, but there's definitely a learning curve when being almost brand new to doing it. I just really wish we could have a month or so to 'get up to speed' on that between ourselves before she's having a stranger do it to her.
 
She says she wants to try to find a compromise where we can both be happy, but it seems like that only means her trying to bribe me but that anything that might limit or slow her down seems to be off the table. I just feel like I'm stuck between the choice of suffering through it, or forcefully shutting it down and her probably being bitter about that, which who knows what other issues that'll cause. I just feel like if the tables were turned and she was this distraught then we'd mutually close the marriage because even if I was disappointed about not getting some fun side activities anymore that I wouldn't want to make her feel terrible or guilty for not wanting it to happen anymore. She does at least say if it came down to it that she'd choose me and the marriage over this, but doesn't know how she'd feel about not being able to anymore. The irony is I'd probably be a lot more likely to be somewhere in the realm of comfortable with her stuff if she felt and expressed anywhere near my level of concern instead of soft bullying me into stopping short of closing the marriage. Since it went downhill my mood about it can vary day to day from anywhere between "not really keen on this" to hating it, upset, and sometimes tearing up. I guess my overall feelings after experiencing this whole situation is monogomy is much simpler and dealing with other sex partners while married is nicer as a fantasy than the actual reality.

I was playing a game on chesscom just now. Opponent rating:1443. My rating:1459. Italian Game.
Never in my life I thought this much playing against a player and still I blundered my bishop in a complicated middle game, then pawn....and it was a mess on the board. 10+0 it was, and I was down to 4 mins. I couldn't see any way out of it, or to even try for a draw. coz I felt, this guy clearly knows his stuff.
I was going to resign, but checked this guy's profile and it said, "joined 3 hrs ago"!!!!!!!!!!
I was so dissapointed and agonized.
Why would anyone cheat in chess? like....what's the purpose? Is it showing off to friends? feeling a sense of empowerment? what is it?
so so dissapointing. absolutely disgusting.

People laud valve - Genre defining classics, the best PC game launcher, not engaging in The Bullshit every other company has.
I disagree. While Valve has made some big classic games, they don't treat their communities terribly well. TF2 has been in a complete nightmare state of botting for years, VAC is one of the worst anti-cheats on the market, CS2 looks good but brings few good things to the game along with completely decimating the CSGO modding scene, and that leaked hero shooter will suffer just as bad with hackers if the leaks are true. Valve also pioneered a lot of the terrible practices games work with now - Lootboxes, mainly. People try to excuse TF2 and CS lootboxes, but I'm generally of the opinion that limited-time cosmetics that can only be obtained in lootboxes is bad.
Valve also hasn't made that many original games. They just keep buying mods. Team Fortress was a quake mod. Portal was originally a university project, Narbacular Drop. Counter Strike was a Half Life mod, and L4D was a mod of Counter Strike. Things just kep being repurposed, they seemingly just made Half Life and Dota (Which was a Warcraft mod. So just Half Life.)
But what they really get acclaim for is Steam. Y'know, the near-monopolistic PC games launcher. The only virtue it has is in UI. Epic Games has totally shit UI, but it pays more to the developers rather than skimming 30% off the top. Steam also has kinda terrible customer support, and a bunch of extraneous featires that aren't really worth anything. When people bitch about wanting to use steam for everything, all it does is push it more and more towards being a monopoly. It's not hard to open another launcher, dude.
tldr: valve is shit, basically invented lootboxes, steam is basically a monopoly, and they don't make as many original games as people say they do. its better than ea and blizzard but it's laughably far from perfect

I don't own myself. I don’t have the decision to choose how to live, and I am not allowed to choose who I’ll be. I hate being oppressed, I hate that I am still deprived of the most basic natural human rights in this century and that those who decide your eligibility are dirty people who have no morals in themselves. I live a life controlled by my father (and every man in my life) who enters into relationships with women openly, and everyone knows that he has been cheating on my mother for years, but everyone is silent and acts as if nothing wrong is happening.
Imagine that you live in an entire environment that believes that you as a girl, going out without covering your hair might be a crime and a scandal a million times greater than every disgusting thing he did.
There is no future to live for. I live a life full of sadness and loneliness. So all the dreams, all the wishes that I dreamed and created, are only in my mind. It's not a fact. I don't have the strength, I'm in so much pain, and I feel so lonely for a while. Everything collapses and can’t be repaired and unbearable anymore.
So to answer my question to myself: “Why would I end my life?” The idea isn’t that I even have a reason to live. In fact, I've run out of reasons to stay. I am very angry at this sick society that erases our identities and makes us hypocrites. The society that continued to kill our dreams and invented the so-called reputation, which I always hated, and which did nothing but cover up evil and take away the rights of innocent people. I am angry at the God they created, and the crimes they commit in his name.
It's unbearable to have to live your whole life in a completely toxic environment, to be controlled from the first moment of your life based only on your gender and the fact that you’re forced to immigrate and spend the rest of your life alone to have your only chance in life, otherwise you’ll be a copy of your mother that you are accustomed to seeing her being humiliated. There's a lot to say, but I’ll leave it here.

Tl;dr - My boyfriend broke up with me to see a man and explore his sexuality and I also started seeing another guy casually but still wanted to be with my ex. After having sex with the casual guy, my ex says he never wants to be together again. I feel very guilty. What should I do?
Please bear with me and read the whole thing as it is gonna be long. But I really need some good advice. I’m (28F) in a major pickle in my life and everything seems to be falling apart. I’ve had a very healthy and beautiful relationship of 3 years with this guy who has been my childhood bestfriend(29M) . He moved countries last year to settle his life and we had been going the distance ever since. Much like every long distance relationship we did have our challenges but we pretty much overcame all of them until one day he said he cannot give me an assurance to marry me because his life there is haywire and he doesn’t wanna marry until his career is settled. While this felt hurtful to hear after all these years, I was very understanding and mindful of his situation and told him to focus on his work and that I would wait around until he is ready. I was even ready to move countries for him if it came to that. Then one day he tells me he wants to explore his sexuality and would like to date other men and asked me if it was okay with me if he did that. I did know about his bicurious sexuality and told him to explore it if it’s something he needs to do. He started seeing a guy and didn’t tell me about it for 20 days, because he wasn’t comfortable to do so. I was very very hurt because it felt like he cheated on me but I still let go of it. After seeing this guy for a 1-2 months he tells me our relationship is emotionally burdening him and wants to break up with me to focus on his career n life there. It shattered me and more so because he was still dating that guy and living him time n attention that he said he didn’t have for me. Even after the breakup we were very much in touch and were speaking everyday. It got very hard for me to deal with my emotions and I couldn’t understand the reason for breaking up or the fact that it doesn’t bother him at all. All through this I kept telling him that I want him and the day he wants me I’ll come running back to him. He still gave me no assurance of getting back. 4 months later I decided to distract my mind from these thoughts as they were only making life worse for me. I decided to go out and look for someone to date. Just to keep my mind off my ex and to get rid of my loneliness. I met a really nice guy that I quite like. We instantly connected and things have been going quite well with him. It’s been 3 months we have been seeing each other and through this entire process I’ve told him about my situation and that I still haven’t properly moved on from my ex and the fact that we still talk everyday. I even honestly told my ex that I’m seeing this guy and he voiced his discomfort with this as well although he said that he will try to get over it as he wants to be understanding of my situation. I still assured him that things with the new guy are only casual and I still only want him if at any point he wants to get back. He still couldn’t give me any assurance on that front. And he was still seeing that man he left me for. I actually had sex with the new guy after 3 months because I wanted to take things slow to be very sure of everything that I was getting into and not regret it later. I did inform my ex that I’m gonna sleep with the new guy but again it is going to be casual and only for fun. Right after I slept with him my ex sends me a message saying he never wants to get back with me and the fact that I chose another man over him despite him sharing his discomfort is a very sadistic act from my end and I purposely hurt him. He kept drawing parallels on how I could cheat on him and what a shameful act I’ve done. My life has come crashing after this and I don’t know what to feel or say anymore. I thought we were on the same page and I still really want to make things work with him. While I do know that I did nothing wrong but I still feel very very very guilty for hurting him and regret sleeping with the new guy. I’m okay to call things off with the new guy but my ex says he’s very sure he doesn’t wanna get back with me ever. I am so confused about what I should do. Should I continue seeing the new guy, or leave him and wait for my ex and try to resolve everything with him. Or move on altogether. I still can’t imagine a life without my ex given our history and past.

So, essentially, my relationship is long distance. Ever since a few months ago, I’ve been having dreams about other guys I talked to before him, and even my first ever relationship from high school. Some dreams consist of me knowing I’m in a relationship, cheating, and then feeling awful and guilty about it (I would literally never cheat I think it’s disgusting). Other dreams are me reconnecting with past romantic partners, and feeling excited to connect with them again. Specifically my first highschool relationship (it was barely a relationship, I ended it after like 2 months) and one other guy I talked to/had a thing with for like a year. But there’s other guys too, and last night it was about a guy I’ve never met before, but we were in a relationship and so so happy. No clue who he was, but I woke up almost grieving a relationship I never had. Long distance has been a struggle, but god I mean he’s an amazing person. He’s so great. But there’s not really an end date in sight, and we live two hours apart, which isn’t AWFUL, but yea it still sucks. And it’s depressing so so depressing. Another thing that just shows me it’s seeping into my life is the fact that since these dreams started, my binge/emotional eating kind of started up again. I often go to food and bingeing for comfort when I’m emotionally struggling. I feel disconnected and I find myself almost hoping he does something like cheat on me so I have a reason to break up. I feel awful. I know deep down what I need to do for my mental health, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

NOTE: I posted this elsewhere yesterday when I was completely spiraling. I feel a a fraction of a bit better today. I'm leaving this in word-for-word. Even though I say at the end I don't know why I posted this, I guess I do want to hear about other people's experiences. Its felt better to get this out.
The last three years of my life have been pretty tough, but I really thought I had come through the other side. I (M39) decided to go back to school, as I was not very happy in my former field. It was an extremely tough thing to do, as I would be taking a pay cut for the foreseeable future. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for almost three years at this point and owned a house together. She said she supported my decision and understood my time would become limited considerably while I was in my program. Well that was a fucking lie. Almost immediately she started complaining about me "not taking her out" like I used to, or not doing as many projects around the house. The program I was in was already anxiety-inducing enough. To cut a long story short (because this isn't event what this post is about), I came to see our relationship was transactional, developed severe anxiety, and started to suffer health-related problems like high blood pressure. By the skin of my teeth I passed my program, became licensed, but had lingering issues around everything that had gone down in that span of time.
Over the last six months I have put in a lot of work and truly felt very hopeful for my future. I saw a therapist, got on some medications, lost 20 lbs. and got into great shape. Starting this new field has been a challenge, but also rewarding in the way I was looking for. I met a girl at work which I was very hesitant about d/t setting and some lingering anxiety issues. There was common interest, and I really explained what I had gone through and where I felt like I was. We both agreed to take things VERY SLOW. Hiking, lunch, movies, very casual for the first month. We finally had our first "serious" date - a fancy late night dinner and tickets to a show. We had some wine at her house after, and after some light touching and kissing, we had the conversation of getting tested because we were very much both interested in pursuing more. She had an ex give her chlamydia and had an upcoming OB/GYN appointment and was planning and getting a full workup. I thought "Well I've only slept with two women in the past eight years and have had no issues," but knew I hadn't been tested since 2016, which had shown I was clean.
I got my results back last Friday. HSV II. I'm fucking stunned. I mean I couldn't fucking breath. Full blown panic attack. I have never had any issues with my penis at all. Never any pain urinating, nothing. All the anxiety that I had worked so hard to get rid of came back and crushed me over this last weekend. It was all I could do to to get through my 12-hour shifts. I immediately hit up both of my ex's to figure out who the hell had given me this, as there was no other way. Last ex proceeds to tell me she had been tested about six months ago when she started dating her new boyfriend. I confirm she's clean for HSV II. She proceeds to berate me for being an idiot and a near 40 year-old with a disease now. I'll admit I'm not very proud of this, but she assumed I had caught something after her and I did not tell her that that left only the possibility of my relationship before her passing this to me.
So on to the title and why I'm so devastated. I'm really racking my brain on how I could have this but never see anything wrong with my penis. Then I read something that was my 'getting struck by lightening' moment. It was a post that is very similar to mine. Guy gets tested, guy gets HSV II diagnosis, perplexed at no previous penis symptoms. But he does get pretty bad cold sores from time-to-time. His Dr informs him that it's very possibly to get HSV II on your face. Now I never thought I had a cold sore before, but I remember back in 2017 getting an infected hair follicle in the hair right below my bottom lip after shaving. I went to the Dr, he looks at it and says "Yup, looks like an infection," give me antibiotics, but it doesn't go away for about two weeks. About two years after that, same thing happens: I shave, my follicle gets infected, I get more antibiotics from the Dr, and though it's not anywhere near as bad as the first time it still takes about two weeks to heal. Then almost exactly a year ago the same thing pops about, but this time I haven't shaved. Call my Dr, gives me antibiotics without even looking at it. I start looking at HSV II outbreaks in the same area as I was getting my infected follicle. I find a few pictures that look dead-on from what mine looks like. I at least though "Well, it's on my penis, condoms exist," but I'm not exaggerating in the least when I tell you after my realization I felt like the hopeless protagonist at the end of an HP Lovecraft novel where he realizes there is indeed a fate worse than death.
I'm finally able to get ahold of my ex from back in 2016. She confirms to me that she indeed has HSV II, but didn't think to tell me because we hadn't spoken in years. "I figured if you didn't reach out then we were good." This confirms she cheated on me because we were tested together. I don't even care about that now. Now my focus shifts to the girl I'm currently dating. She knows something is up. So I just started at where we work and on the other hand she's been there for six years. She is like family to most people on the floor. I'm the annoying new guy who barely knows anyone. She has her OB/GYN appointment today and I realize I need to tell her that not only do I have HSV II, that it's on my face and there is possibility she might have it on hers' too. She is very calm about it but I can tell in her voice that she is shook. I hope to beyond all fucking hope that her test comes back all clear. I'm also legitimately contemplating put in my resignation at work, a job I just fucking started. There's no way this doesn't get out at work and I don't become ostracized. I don't know how I'm going to approach this in the future, I don't see any romance in my life anymore. And this is so fucking selfish, but if I gave this to her I am legitimately scared on how this will make ME feel. I'm scarred that that guilt will cripple me and I'll be doomed to live in constant anxiety. I don't feel any better writing this all out, in fact I feel worse. I have no idea why the fuck I'm posting this.