I am in a relationship with the man of my dreams. He’s smart and funny and kind. He has a great family, a great career and he hot as hell. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me before and I am head over heels in love it him.
The only problem in our relationship is that he has trust issues and has them for a very valid reason.
My boyfriend was married before he met me and his wife cheated on him with her older married boss. And he caught them in the act. He didn’t suspect a thing until he got an email Amazon with a picture confirming a package delivery that tipped him off that his wife’s car was home in the middle of the day. She didn’t answer her phone when he called so he went home to check and found them in their bed.
She apologized, begged him to forgive her but he just couldn’t get that image out of his head. He could never be with her again after seeing that.
He told me all of this rather early on in our relationship because he wanted to be open about the trust issues that he has. I was cocky at first. I said to myself that I am going to treat him so well that he isn’t going to be able to remember her name. But it’s been harder than I anticipated. He’s had trouble opening his heart up to me. It’s been very slow.
When I go out with my friends he’s on edge. He doesn’t say anything but he’s tense and distant before I go. I offer not to go but he insists that I live my life. He won’t put his issues on me and I love him for that. But I still decline invitations often and don’t tell him that I do.
Another issue is that his ex wife is constantly trying to get in touch with him even though he blocked her number. She fucked up, my boyfriend is a catch and she knows it. My boyfriend ignores her but every time she slips through he’s not right for the rest of the day.
I need some advice on how to manage this. He’s the one for me if he can just get over these issues. I’m not a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve ever been with and sure as hell would never cheat on someone I love. How can I make him see that? What can I do?
TLDR: My boyfriend has trust issues from being cheated on. How do I help him get over them?

JJK 260 Spoilers Ahead!!!!!
So i truly believe the shadow in the haze Sukuna feels is Nobara, & shes finally coming into play with sukuna reaching his last legs How will she be able to hold up in a fight with Sukuna?
1) Cursed technique Nobara Kugisaki has had the most powerful Cursed technique aside from infinity since day 1!!!! She literally had to be removed from the story BC soul resinance wouldve taken out Geto's cursed spirit army in an afternoon... (also why yuta could never meet her) She can hurt & Kill anything she hits. Mahito only feared 3 things. Sukuna, her, & Dying when he realized yuji was going to kill him! She can harm souls, not just bodies. her power is more lethal to curses than any other cursed technique!
Its not an S rank CT Because it doesnt have an infinite potential. theres a limit to its output & threat that jujutsu society could see it posing to themselves.
Thus she isnt ranked an S rank sorcerer, despite her CT being a hard counter to EVERY SINGLE S RANK CURSE THAT EXISTS!!! She just has the most potential of every single G1 sorc out there against curses. _____
2) Domain Expansion: So far every single Sorcerer domain expansion bends and twists the rules of their cursed technique. making it usually far more powerful in the process. Nobara being able to touch every single soul & force resonance on them would be insane!
but also how could it change her CT? Nobara almost exclusively uses her CT in a highly offensive manner, as she focuses it through a weapon. & physical attack. which pierces the targets soul. If she can resonate creatures souls without having to actually pierce them then she could theoretically resonate them in any way she wants.
meaning she could very likely tap into all 5 senses & fuck with them to some degree. hell she could potentially just mess with the mind, like triggering a fear response, or throwing one on edge. there's a lot of ways this could go. _____
3) Cursed tools & Binding vows!
With the death of Nanami we were introduced to a concept. The ability to Transfer the cursed technique of a person into an object.
With this idea. We can focus on the 2 most important character deaths that have happened in the war against Sukuna. Gojo & Higaruma
Higaruma Nobara's CT usually requires her to channel her Cursed Energy into a hammer.... So what better hammer for Nobara to get her hands on than the Gavel from the judge himself. If Higaruma's CT was Saved even to some degree & molded into his Gavel as a cursed tool this would be an INSANE Buff for Nobara coming into the battle
Gojo Gojo has 1 ability that could be transfered into an object that would be more benificial than any other. His Eyes (I dont think Infinity could be harnessed in a tool & it would be bleach silver arrow levels of dissatisfying if it was)
The Six eyes are supossed to only occur every X generations when Tengen needs a new star platnum vessel, & needs someone to protect it (a gojo clan member)... That means those are the last pair of 6-eyes that will ever exist. Now a lot of characters would benifit from getting Gojo's eyes molded into a melinium eye/ eyepatch prosthetic. BUT whilst Yuta, would benifit greatly, im seeing this as a Kill La Kill Moment. Who would benifit the most from getting the Six eyes, & Who getting them would benifit the war effort most.
Yuta can already keep up in the battle against sukuna... Its rough & hes out of commision at the moment. But Nobara specifically being able to Hone, control, & overcharge Soul resonance to an obscene level would be such an insane Power up that allows her to go from a sorcerer that can maybe last a few seconds in the battle to one of the most powerful players in it! _____
So yeah. I feel like the shadow Sukuna feels & the fear piercing his heart Is Nobara. Shes the one whose using her Domain. & I hope to high hell that she has some badass cursed tools on her!

Kimchi: Hey, you there. Yeah, you reading this. If you want to know about boring human stuff, go here An Introduction To The Book That Is Me : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com) . If you want to know about more fun cat stuff... and... I guess... other fun human kinds of stuff... even though humans aren't nearly as fun as cats, go here Masterlist for edgiscript : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com)
Edgiscript: Kimchi.
Kimchi: What? This is what you said to do.
Edgiscript: Not like that. Now they're going to think this is actually part of the script.
Kimchi: Whaaaaaaat? No. Humans can't be that dumb, can they?
Edgiscript: They're not dumb. But your format is all wrong.
Kimchi: Pfft. Whatever. It gets the job done and it's more fun that your boring-ass method.
Edgiscript: Hey!!!
Kimchi: Well, it is. You can't blame me for that.
Edgiscript: Look, you... all right, fine. The intros are usually pretty boring. So then, just get everybody to the script.
Kimchi: Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is really cool, because it stars me and my cute, little, adorable hubby. It starts out all spooky like because he doesn't know what's going on, but come on, nobody could be scared of me for too long, now could they? I mean, look at these cute little ears and tail.
Edgiscript: Kimchi, it's a script. They can't see you.
Kimchi: Maybe you can't. Anyway, the really, really, really, super-cool thing about this series is that each piece was written to work completely on its own. Well, maybe you need the 1st one to set things up. But then it doesn't matter. You can do any pieces you want after that in any order you want. And you don't even have to mark them as being a part 2 or part 3 or anything like that. You can just treat them as one-offs and see if your listeners make the connection. Each chapter is its own self-contained story. Some require multiple voices, but each one is its own thing.
Edgiscript: So, if you think series don't do that well, you can do any of these chapters without treating them as a series.
Kimchi: Duh. That's what I just said.
Edgiscript: I know, but... (shuffling his feet in the ground.) I just wanted to be a part of what you were doing.
Kimchi: Awww, edgi, you're so cute. Come here and sit beside me.
Edgiscript: But, I....
Kimchi: I SAID SIT DOWN!
Edgiscript: Yes, ma'am.
Kimchi: And now, on to part 1. Enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
(And now, the Real Script.)
Title: Play Time

Part 1

(Slow footsteps. Sounds of night time.)
Kimchi: (From nearby. Spooky and mysterious. Singsong voice calling out.) Where aaaaaare you, human? Come oooooouuuut.
(Still spooky and haunting, but no longer singsong.) I know you’re here. I can smell you. I’ve been hunting you for a while now. Did you know that? Did you know I’ve been stalking you for weeks?
I’ve never had the opportunity to catch you until now. You’ve never been alone before. Is that because you knew I was watching? I wonder.
But this time you chose to wander through the woods back to your house. Is that because somebody slashed your tires? I wonder who could have done that? (Giggles creepily.) Maybe someone that wanted you out here all alone so she could have you all to herself. And now you’re aaaaaaaaaalllllll mine.
(Singsong.) So come on ooooooooooooouuuuut.
(Footsteps pick up the pace a little.)
You’re walking faster now. I can hear you. I see you like to play. Good, that makes this more fun. It’s so satisfying to catch prey that’s actually trying. When your prey knows there’s no chance and gives up, it takes away all of the thrill of the hunt, and I looooooove the hunt.
Your smell is so intoxicating. I’m going to love sinking my teeth into your neck.
I was hoping you wouldn’t bother calling for an Uber. After all, your apartment was so close, and you’ve walked these woods so many times during the day. You know every branch, every rock. Don’t you? You felt so safe walking this way. In fact, you even avoided possibly running into some very bad people in town by going this way.
I wonder if you thought they might have slashed your tires and were fooling them by taking this route. Bet you didn’t know that something else haunted these woods. But now you do. And now you’re beginning to realize that you can’t get away from me.
(Footsteps begin running.)
Ah hah. Now you’re finally running. Yes! Gooooood. That gets me so excited. The chase is on.
You know you’re fast. You run regularly. You work out. You’re healthy and strong. You believe you can make it. Go on, little prey. You can do it.
(Giggles creepily.) The thing that’s chasing you can’t be faster than you, can it? It’s not racing towards you right now drawn by your breathtaking aroma and your delightful sound, and now…
...your beautiful sight. Yes. There you are. You can’t see me, but I can see you.
Now, the real fun begins. Should I just take you, or let the chase go on? I want you so badly, but I also love the chase, and I never get to chase anything anymore. Nothing comes through here at night. I think they’re afraid of me. Nobody wants to play.
But you do. You came into my woods because you love to play, don’t you? Admit it. The chase thrills you too. Your blood is pumping. Your heart is racing. You feel so alive.
But not for very much longer now. No, not very long now. You know the end is near. Your home is so close, isn’t it? You have only a little further to go and you’ll be out of the woods and close enough to other people that I won’t be able to catch you. There’s hope. Hope you’ll make it. So, I guess this game is finally over. You’re MINE!!!
(Sounds of a tackle.)
Hello, little human. You’ve made for such an exhilarating prey. I loved this game very much and I want to thank you for your part.
(Pause.)
Yes, I said, “human.” You see what I am now. You see my teeth. You see my ears. I’m a cat-girl. Or rather, I am the hunter and you are my prey. But now the chase is over and you’re mine. Any last words before I finally… heh heh, finalize our… courtship?
(From now on Kimchi is sweet and endearing, not creepy and menacing.)
(Confused.) Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaaaaa!. Human, what are you doing? When I asked if you had any last words, I didn’t think you’d scream for help. What’s that all about?
(Pause.)
WHAT!?! Eat you? Of course I’m not going to eat you. Why would I eat you?
(Pause.)
Yes, I said I was going to sink my teeth into your neck, but not like that. Humans taste… well, I don’t know what humans taste like, because I’ve never eaten a human. But I’m sure they taste disgusting. Blech.
Do human girls eat their men when they catch them? I suppose that would explain why the number of marriages is dropping.
(Pause.)
Yes, marriages. That’s what I said.
(Pause.)
What do you mean, what’s that got to do with this? That’s got everything to do with this. I’m marrying you.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not proposing marriage.
(Speaking slowly as if the listener is stupid.) I’m ma-rry-ing you.
(Normal.) Right now. That’s what cat-girls do. We find ourselves a hubby, (Smiling.) that’s you, (Normal.) we catch them, and we make them ours. I’ve caught you. You’re mine. That’s how it works.
(Pause.)
Of course you have a say in this. That’s why I asked you if you had any last words. Isn’t that what the humans do? As the ceremony is wrapping up, they like to say, “I do.” Right? I was letting you say, “I do.”
(Pause.)
What do you mean I made it sound like I was going to kill you? Who says, “Any last words” before killing somebody?
Oh, come to think of it, you may have a point. I didn’t think of it that way.
(Pause.)
And I also said, “The end is near.” I meant the end of the chase, not your life.
Sorry about that, but whatever. It’s irrelevant because I’ve caught you and you’re mine. All I have left to do is attach this collar and tie you up and then I bring you back to my place for all of the love and affection I can provide.
(Giggles.) There’s your collar attached. Now, the humans will see that you’re mine. I still have to mark you with my scent when we get home so other cat-girls will know to keep their grubby little hands or paws off of you. That’s where biting your neck comes in.
(Pause.)
Yeah, I’ve got human looking hands. Some cat-girls have paws. It’s kind of like how some humans have black hair and some are blonde or red. It just happens that way.
Now, do you mind putting your hands together for me? That would make it easier on me to tie you up.
Thank you. Keep them like that.
(Pause.)
Am I worried somebody will stop me? You can’t be serious. Why would I be worried about that?
Wait. You don’t already have a mate, do you? I was certain you didn’t. I told you I’ve been stalking you for weeks now.
(Sniffs all over him.) And I don’t detect any scent of girl on you.
(Sweetly.) I just smell cuteness. (Giggles.) And Cheetos.
Ok, I’m done with your hands. Now turn around please so I can wrap this around you and finish these knots.
(Pause.)
What? You meant I might be doing something illegal? Of course I’m not. This was voted in by you humans several years ago. By a wide margin, I might add.
Cat people just decide on who they want and they take them. According to your human laws, I only can’t take you if another girl has made you hers. Those are your rules, not mine. Personally, I might fight a girl for you if I thought she wasn’t good enough for you.
We used to chase only other cat people, but you humans are the ones that said it was ok if we included you as potential mates. And I’m so glad they did, because you are the cutest, most adorable little man I have ever seen, and I’ve just made you mine.
There, I’ve got your legs all tied too.
(Pause.)
Yes, yes, I know I keep calling you “little” and I’m actually smaller than you, but it was supposed to be affectionate. A term of endearment. You’re my cute little baby. See? Like that.
But us cat people are so much stronger than you humans and so much more athletic. I can pick you up easily like this without a struggle. And now I can carry you back to my place. It’s not far. See, it’s right over there.
(Pause.)
Right. It’s that pile of leaves. It’s very cozy. I gathered all of the leaves myself.
Let me just put you down so I can finally shower my new little hubby with all of my love and affection. Let me start right back here on your neck.
(Kisses and nibbles.)
Yes, I told you I have to mark you so the other cat-girls will know to keep away from you. I’ve got to kiss you and nibble you back here too in order to really get my scent on you.
(Pause.)
Yes, now you get it. That’s what I meant earlier when I said I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into your neck.
(Pause.)
Yes, I thought you’d like that.
(Pause.)
I didn’t know you thought I was going to eat you. I thought all humans knew about cat people mating rituals. No wonder you screamed when I caught you.
I’m sorry, hubby. Can you forgive me for scaring you?
(Pause.)
Oh, that’s right. I haven’t told you who I am yet. Sorry. I was just so excited with the hunt and finally catching you that I forgot.
My name is Kimchi.
(Pause.)
Yes, I know what it means. A nice, old Korean lady gave me the name after she took me in when I was very small. She was wonderful to me. I called her mom. She fed me and gave me a nice place to sleep.
(Pause.)
Yes, I liked staying at her place. She was a magic lady.
(Pause.)
Uh huh, there are too magic ladies. Did you know that she could make it rain inside her house with warm water. Can you believe it?
(Pause.)
Yes, a shower. That’s what she called it.
(Pause.)
What? You have one too? Are you magic too?
(Pause.)
What do mean, that’s common among humans? Really? You say you have a shower at your apartment? And a stove where we can heat our food? And a bed like the one I used to sleep in at mom’s house? That sounds wonderful.
I’m so sorry. All I have are these leaves. But at least I have a beautiful night sky to sleep under. It’s very romantic, don’t you think?
(Pause.)
Wait, you’re saying we could live in your apartment? You’d really let me stay there?
(Pause.)
Well, yeah, you’re my hubby and I’m your wife. Awwww, I love hearing you say that. Say it again.
(Pause, then squeals with glee.)
Ok, I’ll carry you to your apartment.
(Pause.)
Of course I have to carry you. How else will you get there all tied up?
(Pause.)
Oh, no. I couldn’t untie you. You might get away from me.
(Pause.)
What do you mean, “Exactly.”
(Sad.) You want to get away from me?
(Pause.)
(Understanding.) Oh, you think I sounded sorry that the hunt was over so soon. You’d like to let me do it again.
(Suddenly very excited.) Wait, WHAT!?! You’d… you’d let me hunt you again? Really, really, really, really, really? I get to chase you and catch you all over?
(Concerned.) But wait. You were scared the first time. Why do you want me to chase you again.
(Pause.)
Well, yeah, you probably would enjoy it more if you knew ahead of time that I wasn’t going to eat you.
(Pause.)
(Excited again.) And you say you’re really good at hide-and-seek? Oh, ho, ho, hoooooo. Challenge accepted.
(Flustered from her excitement.) Now… I just need to undo… these knots… and… Oh, screw it. I’ll just bite the ropes apart. There. They’re off.
(Realizing.) Oh, wait. I just cut my ropes. Now I’ll have no ropes to tie you up.
(Pause.)
That’s ok? When I catch you, you’ll just come with me. And you’ll never take off your collar so everybody else knows what’s going on because I am your wife, after all?
(Squeals.) I love it, I love it, I love it. I knew you were beautiful, but I didn’t know you’d love to be chased.
Ok, are you ready? Then, ready, set… no, wait, wait, wait.
(Kisses. Giggles.) Ok, now you’re ready.
(Pause.) No, I’m not cheating by marking you up with my scent. I’m just so excited.
I’ll give you a five minute head start to make it fair. And when I catch you, we’ll go to your apartment and have showers, and hot food, and a bed.
(Pause.)
(Ecstatic.) And you also have more string to play with? GO! Go, go, go, go, GO! Hurry! Run! Now! The quicker you run, the quicker I can catch you and we can go back to your place. Now run.
(Pause.)
Oh, I caught the best mate in the world. I’m going to love him sooooooo so much.
(Pause.)
Has it been five minutes? I don’t know. I never figured out how to tell time. It’s been long enough. Oooooooh, look out, hubby. Here I come.
Part 2 coming soon.

I feel so stuck on what to do. I met my friend in college back in 2019. When I met her we became friends instantly. But with that I learned about her horrible childhood trauma. Her parents came to the U.S. illegally and they are still here without status and how her uncle r*ped her until she as the age of 17. As her friend my heart was so broken for her and I knew life isn’t easy on her.
Both her and I changed a lot since college as one does. I met my fiancé and she has a boyfriend. Her and the boyfriend are a match made in hell. The stuff she tells me makes me really not like this guy. She would tell me how they always argue, she claimed he cheated numerous of times, how he is forcing her not to take birth control and they have unsafe intimacy, when they argue he always screams at her to “shut the f*ck up”. The guy seems like a complete loser. Even with all their issues she always looks past it or just forgives him. There are many times that I would plead for her to break up with him and it just never happen. Then she would say something like “you know I’m just learning from this all”.
She has also spent $2,500 on his birthday and Christmas gifts. She always just buys him stuff. Whenever we’re out she ends up buying him expensive clothes or food. I do buy clothes for my fiancé if I find something affordable that I know he’ll like. But most of this girls paycheck goes to buying her boyfriend stuff. She is in constant financial hardships because of it. She even sends DoorDash over to his job every time it comes time for lunch.
With all of the horrible stuff she has told me. She asked me if he can come to my wedding. I’m only having 50-60 people it’s going to be very cute and intimate. Plus the times I’ve tried to meet him it never happens. My friend would always say she wants to double date just for her to back out when I try to make it happen. The one time I almost met him she was dropping off food for him. She insisted on parking a block away from his house and keeping me in the car. I told her it seems weird to park a block away from the house and she decided to move the car closer. But she made me stay in the car and it was very awkward to say the least. So I don’t know how I can invite someone to my wedding that I’m not allowed to meet.
I also feel like she’s so self observed. I was going through a rough patch. My fiancé and I had to do long distance for a bit due to having to apply for a K1 fiancé visa. It was really hard on me not being with him and I went to such a dark place. Luckily I’m doing better now and we got approved! So my fiancé comes back in late August. I tried telling my friend how hard it’s been on me but somehow the conversation always goes back to her and her life.
I don’t know what else to do. I feel like my friend is just going down a dark hole. I tried suggesting therapy to her and she told me “it’s white people shit” so she wants no part in it. I feel so frustrated and upset with myself that I can’t help her. But I don’t know what else to do. I get so disgusted whenever she mentions the boyfriend and the relationship. Even if they are doing well (she reminds me constantly how well they are doing) I can’t be happy for her because of how horrible this man is. I don’t know what else to do to help her and I just feel myself growing apart from her. I miss the friend I had back in 2019 and I don’t know how else to get her back.

Grandma: She’s a bit of a Conservative conspiracy theorist and doesn’t trust the government, but I love her. She ties everything back into politics and religion, loves America. She’s a bit traditional, but also lets her mouth run wild sometimes. It ends up being a really long, ramble conversation on her end. She trusts sources, but usually only looks at one side so she believes the other side is completely corrupt and evil. She loves and values her big family and God. She also has a lot of love for nature. Her and my grandpa’s love story started out with her winking at him, so she’s DEFINITELY a flirt haha! She’s sassy, and very honest, but has unconditional love for her family… though some things are difficult for her to accept. She has anxious paranoia, tbh. But she’s very social, very honest. She also doesn’t seem to enjoy doing things with the help of others, preferring to be independent. She’s just traditional in the sense that she doesn’t like dyed hair or the style nowadays. She’s also really big on American history, and the past repeating itself, yet when i asked her to tell me her own life story for a school project she was very straightforward.
Types I’ve considered for her: ENTJ, ESTJ, ESTP
Grandpa: So he’s been dead for almost eight years but we were super close so I need to type him. My grandpa was a hard worker who loved old westerns, did not care for talking about politics. He was kind and generous, and took over the role of a father for me when my mom and I moved in. Every time a toy of mine broke, he would fix it for me. He owned a gun shed right next to our house up until his last day, stopping at nothing to work hard. He bought gifts for people just randomly, and loved outdoors. He was proud of working with Eagle Scouts. He was a veteran in the Cold War. He also loved to tease me, as well as teach me lessons. He taught me telling time, counting money, and would have me come to his office to read to him every night. Sometimes he would tell me brief stories to get me to learn responsible lessons, sometimes they were sad for little me. Like in order to get me to stop using so many paper towels, he told me a story about an owl with a name and everything who had lost its home because paper towels were being used too much. So I only took one or two strips after that. He called himself a grumpy grandpa, but was not grouchy, and bought me an Elmo In Grouchland dvd to show he was a grouch. He made me think I was good at everything and could do anything. He also loved Native American history. The only negative thing I can say is he was very particular with my grandmas cooking, and always wanted it just the way his mom used to make it. But me and him had a great relationship, I was his princess. He loved his family, and giving random acts of service. He died a month after I turned 9 because he didn’t want to stay in the hospital anymore. He wanted to keep working. He always spoiled me.
Types I’ve considered for him: ISTP, ISFJ, INFJ
Mom: Raised me as a single mom from the time I was two months old, and we lived at my grandparents house. She’s always been very witty and funny. More than anything else she strives to be good, intelligent, and helpful. She’s pretty self aware, and has strong morals, but she values logic over emotion. She loves logic, and math equations. She doesn’t like it when things make her feel dumb, and it is very hard to talk her out of something logical to her. She said she never had a problem with driving because it’s all logic, and because I struggle with driving she doesn’t know how to help me very well. She loves kids and cats. She didn’t know how much she loved cats until we got them though. She has a very kind, warm, and giving heart. She also spoiled me in childhood, as her only child. We never went on vacations though because we were poor. She is a bit impatient, and sometimes that rubs off on me. But she feels bad whenever I feel as if I’m being abandoned by her and tries to make it up however she can. At church every Sunday, she brings toys and candy for all of the little kids. They love her for it. She doesn’t like hearing lengthy stories, prefers them straight to the point… so I kind of annoy her sometimes. She sacrifices a lot. She’s not mentally healthy at the moment, but she’s my best friend and I love her fr.
Types I’ve considered: INTJ, ISTJ, (maybe) INFJ

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

Hello, Reddit. I'm on my mobile, so there may be formatting and spelling issues. Sorry about that.
So here's the deal: I (39, M) am a single man. I have a coworker who is like a surrogate mother to me. I'll call her Lisa. She lives right next door to me. I take care of her yard, help her in her garden, and do matinance around her property as needed. In return she sometimes has me over for a hot meal (I'm not much of a cook haha), taught me how to sew so I can fix my clothes, and, in general, treats me like a third son.
She's usually kind and caring, but she absolutely HATES that I'm single. For the past year, she's been trying to introduce me to people she knows, and has even attempted to arrange blind dates. I have a bad track record when it comes to dating. (I've had my heart broken a few times, but my last relationship was the straw that broke the camel's back. I moved across the US continent to be with someone, only to be abused financially, emotionally, verbally, and physically.)
Since then, I have sworn off dating. I'm content to live my life alone. But, Lisa doesn't agree. She says I'd make a fine husband, and it's a shame that I'm denying any woman the chance to be with me. I have asked her several times to please stop, but she ignores me or insists that I just need to meet the right woman.
Three days ago, she had me over to celebrate my birthday a little early, as she will be out of state on the actual day. A few of my friends and her friends were in attendance. She introduced me to a woman I have never seen nor met before, and said that we have hobbies in common. We struck up what I thought was a friendly conversation, but she accidentally let slip that Lisa was attempting to set us up.
I didn't take it well. I pulled Lisa aside, and informed her that I did not appreciate her violating my wishes. Lisa argued with me about it, so I quietly left and went home. I shut my phone off, and refused to answer any knocks on my door.
Lisa came over the next day as I was working on my yard, and scolded me for leaving and making the party awkward. I got a little ticked, so I told her that I only left because SHE kept ignoring that I don't want to date. She left in a huff, but told me I'm being completely unreasonable. My friends who were at the party all agree that it was an asshole move to walk out before we even ate.
I'm pretty upset with her, but now I don't know what to think.
AITAH?

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

Viewed on Tubi
I...
What?
With some bad movie genre directors and studios, you have a general idea of what's ahead of you. A Troma film will be trashy and usually gross, a Corman film will be cheap but with heart, a Hammer film will somehow toe the line between trashy and classy, and so on.
With Alber Pyun, I never EVER know what the hell is going to happen. The man doesn't understand films, entertainment, scripts, or just how humans operate in general.
The basic premise of this film is kind of simple. Off in space somewhere, a tough lady runs a club (The Electric Dream) that broadcasts a big time musical show. Her leading act has died in a spaceship accident, and she reaches out to sleazy manager Matty to get the current band he's promoting to fill the gap.
Problem: their lead singer Ace just quit the band...then died five seconds later in a car crash. Matty finds a seemingly naive girl named Judy Jetson (no shit) in the weirdest high school talent show (five minutes after Ace died in real time). A few minutes later she meets the rest of the band, is dressed like she hit up Madonna's garage sale, has a dead muskrat of a wig crammed on her head, is renamed Ace so Matty doesn't have to change the posters, and is belting out the bands songs expertly in a dive bar maybe ten minutes after having met the band.
Tough lady and Matty hammer out a deal, and Matty cuts the concert short so he can steal a ship to fly them across the galaxy tonight to make the Electric Dream show. Another problem: the ship has a secret cargo...a psychotic killer in the cargo hold. The ship crashes on a desert planet, then...
Then...
Hell if I know.
The story kind of sort of made sense until that point, but didn't really. Things happen stupid fast, while at the same time feel like nothing is happening at all. Once they're crashed, the girls bicker and fuss and do drugs and drink coffee and bicker woodenly some more, and it all seems kind of improv, but with no direction at all. The psycho monster does...stuff. Zombie punk cannibals do things? A couple of nude desert sirens kind of sort of do a something and a thingus, then fall over? There's a lot of running around and complete nonsense with a hint that maybe this is all some sort of dream/nightmare/drug trip, but then it kind of ends and there's another musical number?
I just don't fucking know.
The only reason I stuck with this is that, inexplicably, the 80's female pop-rock songs are actually pretty damned good. The lyrics are kind of nonsense, but I didn't really care. They were catchy in a Pat BenataBonnie Tyler sort of way, and it drug me along through this cow patty of a film.
Do I recommend this one? Ehhhhhhhh, sorta. It was OK to have on while it was doing other stuff, but I have the distinct feeling that if you don't pay attention, you'll think you missed something.
No, you didn't.

first
Luna VI query: Set the source to the leaked files of the first reconnaissance operation of Irisa.
Done!
Luna VI query: What did Nathan do during the first hour of the war?
***
From the instant he opened his eyes, Nathan's morning was chaotic. It all began with the ground shaking beneath him, jolting him into a state of awareness. He then was greeted by the sight of Amara. She was leaning against a corner, covered in purple from head to toe as she screamed at someone through an earpiece that she was pressing with one of her claws.
His good morning was overhearing one piece of bad news after the other.
The rest of Amara's group had been ambushed early in the morning; many were dead, injured, or missing.
A war had erupted in the sky and her allies were trying to push back the enemy forces, but the battle persisted; the outcome was uncertain.
Zara was being brought to them, but Amara had lost contact with Igmila's group who was bringing her, only receiving confirmation from another group that a rescue pod was spotted at a distance.
And when he thought that things couldn't get any worse, he heard a bang followed by the AI reporting that Ryo had shot down a drone somewhere near their position.
"Open the tent!" Red had conquered Amara's body.
None of the scenarios Nathan had contemplated the previous night had prepared him for such a chaotic morning. "Give me a second."
He only wanted a chance to get his gun from his backpack and explain why he had it in the first place, even though he suspected Amara was already aware he had it. But she didn't let him. "Now!"
She had never felt so distant to him as the moment she said that single word, which led him to just comply as he stood up and followed her in silence. But this frail silence only masked his morning grumpiness, magnified by the dire circumstances and her cold demeanor toward him.
Nathan had barely caught a glimpse of Ryo and Elysira at a distance when he muttered. "It wouldn't have been so hard to say a few words to fill me in, you know."
Amara's eyes were transfixed on the smoking pieces of the drone when she whipped her head around, glaring at him with her orange eyes. "My people are fighting a war and dying. How can you demand my time when Yelara is hurt and barely escaped alive?"
"Oh, come on, I'm not demanding anything." He scoffed, shaking his head. "I just don't think it would have been so hard to tell me what you intend to do in the next five minutes."
The tip of her tail pressed against his chest, as red and purple coexisted on her skin.
"I am heading up the mountain to find Igmila." She spoke in a detached voice, pulling her tail back and turning around, and then she sprinted in the gap between himself and the tent.
He caught a glimpse of gray on her neck and all his grumpiness was gone, replaced by a cold shiver running down his spine. With his arms moving faster than his thoughts, he grabbed her by the tail, preventing her from going anywhere.
"You absolutely can't do this Amara." Nathan looked down at the tail he held with both hands and swallowed a lump of saliva in fear of her reaction. But that still didn't prevent him from finishing what he had to say, "It's too dangerous."
Amara's eyes sought his, causing him to suspect she would demand to be released or try to free herself by force, but she did something else. "All of this is because of you. Had I not come to your tent, I would be there to assist them."
Nathan caught a glimpse of green around her back spots, which let him know that there was a hint of guilt in her words. But did that justify blaming everything on him and running into danger without thinking?
If not for the awful night followed by an awful morning, Nathan might have just taken the blame and hugged her. But he too had his limits, "How is that fair? Blame me all you want, but nothing will change that you had all the chances in the world to go back and you didn't. I'm not saying that you could have done anything abo-"
"Indeed." Gray flashed for a moment before red flowed among her black spots. "This night was a waste of time." His grip faltered at her words and she pulled her tail back from among his fingers. "I should have stayed with Yelara to help her tend to her wounds."
Nathan bit his lips in frustration. How was it possible to agree with her words, yet still feel the sharp sting in his heart?
And if that was not enough, Ryo had to step in to rub salt in the wound.
Clap.
Clap.
Clap.
With Elysira’s tail wrapped around his wrist as she averted her eyes from Amara, Ryo spoke, "Please don't tell me you're mad because the plant lover couldn't get it up."
Nathan blinked fast not believing his eyes. Ryo was not only shirtless but there were a lot of scratches on his neck and below. Elysira’s long strands were also a mess, but even without that, their physical closeness alone would be enough of a hint of how much fun they had at night.
When Nathan glanced at Amara to gauge her reaction, she had already crossed her arms, looking at him angrily. Which immediately made him feel as if Ryo’s not-funny joke was true although he knew it wasn't.
It took Nathan a considerable amount of self-retainment to not walk up there and rearrange Ryo's handsome face with his fist, or at least attempt to do so.
A few seconds passed before he said, "Why are you here?"
Ryo didn't even bother to look at him, his eyes focusing solely on Amara. "Information. I want her to tell me what she knows about this war."
Amara didn't look pleased to help, but she still informed him about the ambush and even alerted him that even their current position would soon be unsafe.
As If things weren't already bad enough, Ryo frowned and hurried to instruct Elysira to get his things as soon as Amara had finished talking. Nathan felt like he was in a war movie where everything was happening too fast for his emotions and reason to follow.
It was only when he saw Ryo raising his gun skywards that Nathan’s anger subsided, contained by the prospect of how bad their situation was. Ryo movements were fluid and methodical, but he never pulled the trigger on the many drones that appeared high above and, instead, retreated to take cover behind a tree.
Only now the seriousness of the situation sank in for Nathan.
He didn't even care that he hadn't explained to Amara why he had a gun yet, rushing inside the tent after exchanging a glance with her.
After crossing the circular door, he found only a few items on the ground: a pair of boots, his sleeping bag, and his backpack with all his equipment inside.
Nathan was quick, wearing his boots first before retrieving his belt, knife, and holster from the backpack. With a sequence of swift movements, he strapped the sheathed knife and holster to the belt and cinched it around his waist, securing it in place before closing the backpack and dashing out the door with his gun in one hand and the backpack in the other.
Already outside, Nathan found it weirdly reassuring that Ryo was in the same spot as before, but that only lasted until he tried to find Amara, but found nothing no matter where he searched for her.
He dropped his backpack, feeling at a loss. How could he have allowed her to venture beyond his sight when he knew that guilt was clouding her judgment?
Only when he had already cupped his hands around his mouth to scream her name that he felt a touch right above his heel—her tail.
"Psst..."
Wiping his head, Nathan saw Amara's whole body mimicking the colors of his tent, making herself quite hard to spot.
"I thought you were gone." He joined her, stooping down beside the tent as relief washed over him.
"It might be too late to join my soldiers." She didn't allow her colors to change, but the translator conveyed a hint of sadness. "I lost contact with all the teams who were coming here."
"Amara I-"
Nathan was about to attempt to make things right with her when Ryo’s assertive voice reached him. "Listen up, those fuckers are jamming our comms and they will be here at any time. Take the MLBCS and find a clearing to use it, I doubt they can interfere with the laser. Just don't forget that your immediate safety comes first or else you might not be among the living when the pod arrives."
Ryo ran back to his tent as soon as he was done speaking, leaving Nathan questioning his own intelligence. How come he had never even considered leaving the planet? A single glance at Amara and he knew why. But did he have any other option?
Staying and fighting to hold his position was something he briefly considered. But did he have a chance when even Ryo decided to leave after seeing the drones?
Mission control might give him other options, so Nathan decided to try his luck despite Ryo’s warning.
Unable to establish a two-way connection.
He confirmed the interference with the communication with a single thought, kicking his backpack in frustration even though it was expected.
Why did it have to be so hard to accept that Ryo was right and leaving the planet was his best option?
But would Ryo truly leave the planet and leave Elysira behind?
Nathan forgot Amara who was beside him and screamed, not allowing this question to stay in his mind, "Wait, what are you gonna do?"
Ryo replied as he waited for Elysira, "I'm not leaving the planet unless mission control finds a way to save Ely too."
Nathan's eyes widened, feeling like an idiot as he brought up a pop-up window showing the schematics of the rescue pods. They were designed to be fast vehicles capable of transporting a single person to the space station, but Earth's government hadn’t skimped on the design, which included various components that could be discarded, such as medical supplies and search and rescue equipment.
He used the AI to run the calculations and found that Amara would likely be able to go with him, that is if they wedged themselves into the vehicle and discarded everything else.
Nathan was about to share his findings with Ryo when he caught a glimpse of him and Elysira disappearing into the woods, abandoning their tent behind as they ran away.
A sense of urgency struck him at that moment, but it was easily forgotten when Amara's voice struck even harder, "You should go."
"What do you mean?" He sought her eyes, but she avoided his gaze, facing to the ground.
"Do what Ryo suggested." She took a small pause before she went on. "Leave the planet."
"The hell I will!" He punched the tent. "Not without you." He could only assume she was saying this because she didn't know she could leave with him. "You'll come with me, and the pod will take us to the space station."
"Your species will refuse to take me." He saw a hint of purple on her neck. "Before the mission started your people told us you humans will not get involved in our wars." She finally made eye contact, and the purple on her skin intensified. "My best chance to survive this is to hide in the mountains and wait for reinforcements."
"You don’t understand, Amara." He didn't have time for a full explanation of what humans considered not getting involved. "No one in mission control will want to leave you here to die just because of some stupid rule." He then spoke his heart out without a care in the world. "And even if they do, they will take you anyway if say I won't go anywhere without you."
A hint of yellow could be seen among her camouflaged skin, but before she could say what she would do, her tail wrapped around his neck and he felt a strong pull to lower his head and bend his knees for cover.
"The rebels are here," she whispered as her ears twitched.
Nathan was tall enough to see the slope on the other side of the tent by just standing, but Amara struggled to see from above the structure, requiring her to stretch her full height and still take little jumps to take peeks.
And it was after doing so that she dropped her camouflage entirely, letting purple run free among her black spots.
Nathan took interest in what she had seen that had caused such a reaction, and he leaned cautiously against the tent and raised his head slowly, prepared to find a few armed Irisians hidden among the trees. But what he found instead was a never-ending line of Irisian advancing downhill at a fast pace towards them.
He understood Amara's reaction now, pulling back the harmer of the revolver as he stared at her. "I need to... do something."
He made up his mind, determined to shoot. But when activated the infrared view mode and took aim at Irisians descending the slope, Nathan froze for a second. This just lasted a moment, and when found the resolve to fire, he had already lifted the gun enough that it wouldn't hit anyone and it would just be a warning shot.
He fired once, twice, and went on until all six rounds were gone, then he noticed their organized marching had stopped, all of them having activated their camouflage. Some even broke the line and retreated uphill.
When he took cover again, Amara was protecting her ears with both hands, looking at him as if he were some sort of monster. Nathan ignored her and rifled through his backpack in search of more ammunition, finding the small box with shining metal bullets after he had searched for some long seconds.
It was only when he released the cylinder to reload the gun that Nathan noticed something.
His hands were shaking.
He ignored it and pressed the extraction rod the remove the cartridges from the cylinder to make room for the new ones, clumsily dropping a few of them as he reloaded.
Amara saw this and stopped him with her tail before he had filled all the chambers.
"I cannot go with you." Her body had been conquered by purple.
"You think I'll leave you behind?" He almost reached his breaking point when she replied.
"No." Her tail touched his cheek gently. "There are too many of them, Nathan." She pulled her tail back as a hint of gray appeared. "My brother will never let me go, he lost too many ships and soldiers to give up without his prize." The gray intensified, squeezing her black spots. "If you die with me on this planet, your species might abandon Irisa forever.
"My chances of hiding in the mountains are slim, but they exist... and even if I fail I will distract them long enough for you to flee."
Her body blended with the surroundings again and Nathan felt that she was about to do something stupid, but he moved faster and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to bend her legs and join him on the ground as she stared at him with wide eyes.
"To hell with this self-sacrifice bullshit." Nathan finally decided what he would do. "Do you think I will die that easy? Guess what, you’re wrong." His hands moved from her shoulder to her back and he embraced her. "Let me tell you what we'll do, we take the MLBCS, we find a clearing, and we go to the space station." He released her and added, almost crazily. "You go with me even if I have to drag you by the tail as you scratch me, you hear me?"
He was not kidding; he grabbed her tail with his left hand, leaving her exterior filled with colors ranging from purple to yellow.
Amara was about to reply when the tent produced a thud noise, sounding as if someone had knocked on a cardboard box. When they turned to the side, there was a tiny hole in the tent dangerously close to Amara's head.
She touched the hole with her finger, and then her whole hand pressed against the side of her head, staring at him without saying a word.
Nathan's heart skipped a beat when he realized what had just happened, and consumed by a rage like he never felt before, he pressed the cylinder of his revolver back into place with just the four bullets inside, pulling back the harmer.
This time there was no hesitation, he quickly stood up and used the infrared view mode to survey the now organized groups of Irisians who had taken a defensive formation, choosing as target an Irisian who had climbed a tree and was pointing a long gun at them.
In just a moment Nathan aimed and pulled the trigger, firing one round after another. The first two missed completely, but the others hit the tree right above the target, making this Irisian panic and release his claws from the wood, only to welcome an ugly fall on the rocks below from several meters above the ground.
He took cover again immediately, but this time noise as if he was facing heavy rain under an umbrella struck his eardrums moments after he had taken cover, making him wince every time he heard the distinct noise of a projectile going through one wall of the tent and stopping the other.
With her tail still among his fingers, Nathan and Amara exchanged several anxious glances as the shooting persisted, only calming down when the rebels realized they were wasting ammunition and the barrage of fire slowly started to lose momentum.
Nathan's heart was racing and she was going through all tones of purple when she broke the silence.
"Fine!" She spoke fast. "If you are being so adamant about tying our fates together, we can do it your way." Her tail escaped his grip, but instead of pulling it back, she coiled it around his wrist. "But we are weaker together, Nathan. I will be a burden to you when you run, and you will be a burden to me when we hide."
"Oh, to hell with that too." Despite his harsh words, just knowing that they were on the same page now was enough to give him some hope. "Sorry. I do all the running and you do all the hiding, does that work for you?"
He didn't wait for her reply and loaded the gun again, this time doing it very fast even though his hands were still shaking.
"You do all the running? I fail to understand you." She said as she stood up to take a peek at the enemies, just to recoil in fear and add, "Explain yourself fast, they are losing the fear of your loud gun."
"Sure." He grasped his backpack bottom and overturned it, emptying its contents in a quick motion. With all the items on the ground, Nathan only took the MLBCS and the little box with his drones that he promptly stored in his pocket. "We won't need any of that, which means my back will be free."
"Are you crazy, I am too heavy f-"
"You're not." Nathan was 6′3″, and he had the nanites ensuring he was as healthy as a human could be. This meant that the short Amara—the top of her head only reaching a little below his shoulder—was not a challenging weight for him to carry given her slender body.
Noticing the doubt in her gaze, he lowered his body even more, turning his back towards her in a way it would be easy for her to climb, hoping this would be all the push she needed.
"You take pleasure in testing my trust, do you not?" The tone of her voice hinted at her reluctance, but she still draped her arms over his shoulder, securing her grip in a way her claws wouldn't hurt him.
Even though they had a plan now, Nathan still felt a chill down his spine at the thought of what he would have to do. And despite knowing that he had taken everything he needed, he anxiously patted down his pocket the make sure the box with the drones was there and remembered to take a handful of bullets, filling up his pockets as some of them fell to the ground.
"Ready?" He asked, trying to sound confident.
"See for yourself." Her tail wrapped around his belly, full of tiny black spots surrounded by purple as far as he could see.
Nathan took a few deep breaths and stood up, getting a glimpse of the many groups that were advancing from both sides, trying to surround them.
It didn't even take him a full second before he started firing his revolver indiscriminately at them while his legs moved on their own, not even waiting for his eyes to decide which path he would take.
Amara's weight escaped his thoughts completely, replaced by the fear evoked by the faint noise of metal breaking the sound barrier around them as soon they left the protection of the tent.
He didn't spare a single glance behind, running downhill at full throttle with bursts of adrenalin fueling his speed. He outran the reach of their guns quite fast, hurdling fallen brunches and putting not only distance but also several tree trunks between them and the hostile force behind.
With Amara's solid grip and occasional shifting of her weight to prove that she was fine, Nathan kept his pace as his muscles burned with exertion.
For a little over ten minutes he kept going, jumping over protruding roots and ducking beneath low-hanging branches. But this couldn't go on forever and eventually, he stopped to catch his breath, bending forward and letting go of items in his hand as Amara released her grip to stand on her own two feet.
His breath was coming in ragged bursts, but that didn't keep him from starting to laugh as he stared at her, whose eyes were gentle and her entire body was filled with hints of yellow.
In a split-second though, her whole demeanor changed, all the yellow giving way to purple and red.
She asked a single question, "Is that device of yours supposed to release smoke?"
The tip of her tail was pointing at the MLBCS, which now had a small hole in it from where a whisp of smoke curled upwards, just like a candle after its flame had been extinguished.
Nathan shook his head and touched his forehead; a single word left his mouth, "Fuck."
***
This was an account based on what Nathan did during the first hour of the war. The previous narrative is based on the events of the morning of the twentieth day of the exploratory mission of Irisa. According to your current settings, no queries will be suggested.
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I 12 F had recently been having some problems with a girl who I haven’t been very close to, but still, we were sort of mutuals this all started a while ago when we were playing soccer at the field, she wouldn’t give the ball to me, even though I had asked several times kindly and a little bit mean I tapped on the shoulder to hopefully get her to turned around just for her to turn around and punch me after this, she went up to the office as I walked around, trying to act cool like I didn’t just get punched in the stomach after that, I had gotten called up to the office and we had had a big talk about how we can’t be doing that at school this continue to go on and we signed a contract to not talk to each other, after a while we sort of had gotten to be friends again and then only a few months after we just became friends. I found out my number got leaked to a bunch of strangers. I don’t even know a.k.a. the eighth graders. I do not know these girls or boys they don’t go to my school and this girl gave them my number randomly to hopefully do something bad to me a.k.a. prank me after a while I blocked their phone. Then only a couple months later I got a text from a random number. This is the same girl who was trying to prank me. She texted me on her friends phone saying that it was this girl who will call Sally ( aka the girl who punched me ) gave them money to prank me I figured out who this was in a matter of seconds it was this girl Ally, who sally always had been talking about her saying that was her girlfriend and I asked are you Sally’s girlfriend? She replied with no we are just friends, but I’m no longer friends with her. The next day school.. i came up to her and I said why did you give my phone number out to random people she ignored the question and my best friend started saying come on talk to her practically screaming at her mind you my best friend will take the world for me and do anything for me and so I’ve gotten used to that , she was so angry at Sally, and she was defending me in every single way possible, a couple days later we started to gain more problems, She was just acting strange practically taunting me. I try to tell her that I don’t feel comfortable being friends with her nor does my family. She understood this and she left after this we went to go play volleyball at the volleyball field we were playing and then she came up to me being her petty self. She told me that she’s did not feel comfortable with me being there and I have to go. I decided I’ll leave. I don’t wanna make a big scene, but after a few steps, I realized ,what was gonna happen, Nothing will happen even even if the principal gets mad at me I don’t care. I go back ready to play the game. She goes up and she runs and tells the principal I knew I was gonna get called up, but I didn’t care so I just walked up to the principal office filled out a note without even being asked to be up there. I was definitely the bigger person. after that I came down, I saw my best friend and Sally sitting together laughing and giggling my heart was absolutely broken. I couldn’t believe it. Why is my best friend choosing her over me, my best friend has talked bad about Sally so much she says that she hates her and that she just doesn’t like her in general and she’s a pick me if you know you know I was unbelievably sad and sick to my stomach I was just so sad and wondering why it’s so easy for her to cut off one of our closest friends, but it’s so hard for her to cut off a girl who has been bullying me since the day we first ever came to school the only reason why I’m so mad at this and hurt is because she would make me drop so many people in just one second and I know for a fact that it is not hard for her to so to anyone. She literally has dropped so many of our closest friends in one second even if they just kind of hit her on the shoulder just a tiny bit she will literally just yell at them and say that she doesn’t wanna be friends with them anymore for the smallest things leaking my number and punching me is not small?? I’m hurt .. but am i the ahole?

Hey guys,
I (20F) feel like I’ve finally reached my tipping point. Everything has become too much and I just don’t see myself ever having a happy life. I can feel my boyfriend (24M) slowly getting sick of me & my issues and I just feel like a burden to everyone in my life. It all started when I lost my mum to cancer when I was 12, then emotional absence from my dad ever since she died, hospitalised for eating disorders, suicide attempts & self harm, addiction, being rped at 15 - getting into a domestic violence relationship with the same guy at 16/17 to 18 because of the trauma bond, finally left the guy and then a few months later got drugged and rped by a random on a night out after my friend ditched me for a guy, then r*ped the night after by a so called friend… the list goes on.
I feel absolutely shattered my life has turned out this way. I am a shell of myself and who I used to be… I’m constantly at war with the world around me and struggle to put myself out there in fear of being hurt again. All I have ever tried to do with my life is love and care for other people - I’m an extrovert at heart and just want to make people feel special and loved… I never thought having good intentions would end up hurting me so bad. People have made me feel so totally unloveable and disposable it has really damaged me.
Also just found out my boyfriend was still talking to his ex while he was with me at the start of our relationship despite the fact he’s always said he cut her off. His story about their relationship and how it ended always changes and I don’t trust him at all… He gives me bad gut feelings all the time, he’s the sort of person to tell half truths… Even he can’t love me honestly and whole heartedly, what is the use. Is anyone trust worthy anymore?
I know it’s impossible to understand everything but I will always question why all these things had to happen to me? Why are people so awful? If it all happened for a reason why do I have no quality of life and feel burdened everyday? I just want to die. I don’t feel like I will ever be loveable or enough for anyone.

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