Heart break rude quotes

I went to the Pittsburgh show on 5/18 and had seats on floor 4 right near B stage. On arrival to the show, everyone was already on the barricade of B stage. I thought it was strange but I hopped on one of the last spots that were open, since everyone else was there. (I went to the show alone.) Then, a group of really upset girls appeared behind me and were complaining about how we’re not supposed to be on the barricade yet. They were like “are you kidding me, this ruined our night. This isn’t supposed to happen.” and tried to squeeze in as tight next to me as possible and complained to the security guard. Their negative vibe really unsettled me. Thank god security got a call to get everyone off the rail, so we went back to our seats. The people in my section were not very friendly and didn’t know concert etiquette. I was trying to get to know everyone before the openers came on, and no one was interested in talking or getting to know their fellow Greta fans. Everyone was in their little groups, stressing about getting as close as possible to the b stage to either get their attention or for their pictures/TikTok’s. Once the band left B stage, mostly everyone in my section either left the show entirely, or sat down the rest of the show and didn’t care about what was being played. It was heart breaking. The guys get treated like objects and tiktok bait and not the talented human beings they are. We as a generation really don’t deserve them. I couldn’t relate to any of the girls. I’m 22 myself, but the other young girls were barking, yes barking, at the band instead of applauding them. And making obnoxious brain rot comments. It’s as if they’ve never been to a concert before in their life. I, however ignored everyone around me and enjoyed every minute and melody of the INCREDIBLE show. Sam came right up to where me and a few girls were and we got to talk before they went on the B stage. I was there because I was in pit the last time and wanted the b stage experience. It was incredible and I enjoyed every minute of it. It’s a shame a lot of their fans are very attention seeking and not genuine towards their music or message. It’s ironic they all say with Josh “where there’s not love we must provide it” and then treat others who are different than them with disrespect. And with the girl who got the tambourine ripped out of her hands, it’s heart breaking. This peaceful army isn’t so peaceful anymore. We have to do better.

TL; DR! i (18F) believe my relationship with M19 is not healthy for me overall but it feels like i can’t get out of it.
I wanted to start off by saying that our relationship (which is my first) started almost a year ago (13 of june). We are constantly fighting, beginning from the first week. Our core values don’t align. Overall, i became depressed because of this and i believe emotional abuse is present.
We broke up 2 times, but only when he decided to leave. First time i came to the city he was in, we talked and sorted everything out. Second time i said that i want to break up, but he insisted i take time to think. We still (somehow) talked through that time, because he didn’t have the patience to wait for my decision. We broke up during my “thinking time” (His decision). Then he contacted me again, apologising, i rejected him. After a month he came back apologising again, i told him that i am mad at him, i am deeply offended, sad and that i don’t want a relationship. That i am not stable and i don’t want to give him hope. He still pressured me for a month or so till i finally gave in. I had so much resentment towards him, was mad all the time and was being cold. Overtime those feelings had passed, he changed, listened to me, but there were more issues to discover. He thinks that i “made up” like half of the problems that were concerning me last time. Still thinks i make up the new ones just to break up. We still argue all the time, i told him that i want to break up three times, but he always talks me into changing my decision. Last time i even asked him not to put pressure on me, but since we are still together, guess what? He did.
I do love him deeply, i don’t and didn’t want to hurt him under any circumstances, but i feel like i am trapped in this relationship. He is really controlling, overly jealous (even towards my mom), always twisting things so that i am the wrong one, invalidates my feelings, manipulates (a lot), doesn’t respect my boundaries and needs, gaslights. He is also explosive, says something, i cry all night, then he says “oh sorry, i just overreacted🤷‍♂️, ily” and this happens constantly. Overall i am just hurt all the time. I feel unheard and unsatisfied. Another interesting thing is that he feels the same way. Not a long time ago he said that only he puts in work in this relationship, that i don’t respect him and that i never listen to him. So I started to question my perception of reality.
Anyway, talking just doesn’t work because i often start crying (didn’t happen before, but now i can’t control the tears somehow, i tried to, but i feel helpless and i never win any arguments with him, all of my points are just ignored or are “excuses”), or we are just jumping from topic to topic and never reach a solution, or i am “making it up just to argue”. I am tired. My friends and family are confused, don’t understand why i am still with him. I went to therapy to deal with my mental health. I don’t want to break his heart again (he cried so much every time i tried to break up i felt like he was almost dying), and i do believe that he loves me. I love him too and it is hard for me to let him go, but i know i need to. Seems clear that this is not working, but i feel like my hands are tied. And i have so much guilt now and he constantly reminds me that i tried to break up with him 3 times. Please help, what do i do now? I really don’t want to hurt him that much again.
PS: I never wanted to manipulate him by leaving or crying or anything, i never wanted to hurt him. Every time i am just fed up and it feels like i can’t take it anymore. And obviously i have issues too, i don’t want to be seen as a victim, don’t want to appear like i am a saint or something like that. I don’t think he is a bad person. We do have a lot of good moments together and he does have qualities that i absolutely adore and am grateful for. But i feel like this is damaging (or just not right) for both of us.
Sorry for a long post, If you have any questions, please ask, i will try to respond asap.

long story short but I broke up with him and he moved on in about a month or so, then 3 months later he randomly he called me and it was going okay otp but I didn’t know what else to say so he hung up and then was sending angry text messages and sent his ex rubbing on his body to get “revenge”. so I blocked him and never cared to here from him again. two months later he called on another number and asked if we could be just friends and mentioned he has a gf now (like if I didn’t already know.) and that he’s over our situation with the break up. he said he loved being otp with me and stuff. also he stated he was happy about what he did. when he texted me before we spoke otp he was very nice to me and otp he mentioned i was a good person but he didn’t not like the situation with the break up.
he asked to be just friends and that he doesn’t see me like that anymore which the idea seemed nice because I wouldn’t mind having a platonic friendship with him since he use to be someone special in my life but instead I declined his quest and blocked him once again…but this time when I did it for some reason I had a heavy heart but ik it was the best.
i hope I made the right decision what do y’all think?

So.. i've been with my boyfriend for little over 2 years. It is the first time im in a long term relationship..For the most part, I've enjoyed it a lot. It was really magical at times. But there were breaches of loyalty and respect from my boyfriend constantly the first year. Not exactly cheating physically (from what i can prove), but a lot of emotional cheating. Although I do have evidence of him possibly cheating physically as well, but what do I know. It affected me so badly. It still affects me horribly. At the time, I ignored a lot of it (idiot), because I just didnt want it to end. Eventually I confessed to him about how its hurting me, all of it, we talked through it, cried through it, threw stuff over it, and he seemed to understand, apologize and adjust his behavior. But I've always wondered why someone who looks to be an absolute angel, madly in love with me, would do it at the first place (most naive sentence you've read, maybe ever huh)
Well this brought up horrendous trust issues in me, no matter how much we've discussed these problems. It just didnt bring enough clarity, and left me confused, and feeling pathetic. So I decided to start a conquest, with a goal to understand who am I really in a relationship with. I had suspicions (it was ungodly clear) that my boyfriend's friend group are the biggest, most pathetic manchild, self-reflection lacking assholes. They've made a few mildly misogynistic remarks in front of me, but I, as always, brushed it off. But its that type of people you just feel would say the most heinous stuff if you weren't there.
They have this whatsapp groupchat, with 3 more friends. This groupchat, I knew for a long while, would break my heart if I ever peaked into it. So I internally concluded looking into it is way past the line 2 years ago. But I, unfortunately, given the circumstances, broke my own promise (which I am ashamed about, although I personally wouldn't care, I truly think going through someone's stuff is shitty). And what I saw was beyond repulsive, as expected. Talking about women as nothing but sexual objects - suggesting my boyfriend shouldnt fuck european bitches, but find a latina that would squat on his face, he would finally experience a real woman, he would cook for her all day every day if he had a chick like that (my bf is known for being a good cook), i beat that pussy up this and that, cityboy shiiiii, i hate when chicks dont know we in an open relationship (talking about their long term girlfriends which are all sweet girls), my boyfriend suggesting he wants a "big tiddy goth chick" (which is like, the opposite of what I am), talking about their exes and my boyfriends exes like they are absolute dirt, my boyfriend saying that "denying him fucking models would be culturally insensitive since he is French", and that "post nut clarity makes him want to be a monk" (which broke my heart the most, as our sex frequency did lessen, especially from his side. I asked him about it, was upset about it, he told me he just feels like shit cause he gained weight, because of work, whatever whatever, and of course told me im not initiating as well, but who wants to initiate on someone who doesnt show any sexual desire) (edit: I must note that most of these guys are in their early 30s, not 16)
Well yesterday, I told him that I did this, what I saw, I packed my things and left to my parents house to be alone for a couple of days, and to decide what to do next. He barely told me anything, he told me he's not in the mood for this, that he cannot believe im leaving for some banter with the boys, that he is disappointed i treat his stuff like its a public library, but that he still loves me. yuck...
Barely texted me since I left, only that he is sorry that it had to come to this, that there was a better way to deal with this, and that he hopes we will talk soon, and that he loves me.
So... I understand this is perhaps a take it or leave it situation. How can I ever come to terms this is how my boyfriend talks about me? A lot of people told me to break up and run, but its way more nuanced than that, and also I believe in commitment with its dark and ugly sides, and believe in trying everything in my power to make it work before leaving. What can I do here

Hi all, first I want to apologize for my english as this is my 3rd language.
I have been on a trip to Japan from 19th of april till 4th of May with my(24) husband(30). We were excited to go there and see some culture. But when we arrived there, my husband was negative about everything in Japan, and he was annoyed the whole time being there. Almost every day, he scolded me (on the streets). He picked a fight frequently and got mad at me for no reason. One day in Japan, I lost my metrocard. He, obviously, got mad again. So, instead of listening to him belittling me, I just went straight to a machine to get another card. In the metro he was really quiet and when we got out, he got mad at me saying why I didn't day sorry to him. Of course, this conversation was on the street. He got so mad that he broke his umbrella and went away by saying,'I can't deal with you'. He came back and said sorry to me, but this was really hardbreaking and humiliating to me. The rest of the vacation he went on with scolding and getting mad. We got to tokyo after our trip in kyoto. I washed all the clothes the day before because in Tokyo, our hotel didn't have washing machines. All of our clothes were still a bit wet and smelled. I wanted to help by giving some solution about giving the clothes to the hotel desk or going to a washstore. But he went mad again, screaming, scolding... he kicked the luggage a few times, which was his father's luggage, said to me to go downstairs. I waited for him and when he got down, he blamed me about the clothes and got mad at me instead of finding a solution together. This broke me alot, my whole trip to Japan was a trip I never wanted to have again. The whole time, I tried to talk everything out, but it was obvious he didn't want to. Because he joked while I tried.
A week before, we had a few fights again. But the fights we have are not normal like everyone has. Whenever he is really mad, he talks in a way that breaks my heart. He said he got me out of trash and gave me a good life. He said he didn't see me as a woman because he felt like he had to coach me. In this fight, he threw his phone at me, which got to my elbow. Now my elbow is hurting and has a bruise on it. And now he says he loves me and I'm his everything and all. But this sounds like a joke to me as he doesn't respect me at all.
There is much more I could say what happened, but I think this is enough for now. I was wondering if this is abusive behavior or not.. because I'm lost.

Hi , please help me guys I really need help
First of all don't judge me i know i did alot of wrong things
Sorry my English is not my first language
I knew someone online, as a FWB then i loved him so much in literally a week he was so my type he pay me so much attention and he is the one who said like I've never felt like this with anyone else before i told him that i have feelings for him and actually i send him pics of other girl not me and it's been year and a half on a lie i aslo lied about other BIG stuff i'm so shy to tell you guys but it is the worst thing ive ever done in my life .. i actually don't like to do sexual things with someone i'm not in a relationship with so I wasn't comfortable after a week i told him sorry but I can't he told me we can be friends but i just told him no I can't.. as you know guys i was so attached ive never felt like that with anyone before him I didn't knew these feelings existed so i was stalking him one day after i left him and i saw that he made a new account for like you know sexual things he talked to other girls I knew I don't have the right to be mad cs i left him but I thought he had the same feelings as me so i felt so sick like ive never felt like I want to be buried rn that bad so I talked to him and he closed his account (ugh thinking of that really break my heart) but he reopened it lol . Anyways we talked again from dec 2022 till now on these days he told me don't follow me on insta I don't want my family see that there's a girl " it's a culture thing so I respected that " anyways i saw there was a girl following him then figured out she's his ex i told him why and blah blah he told me none of your business we were in a call and i was crying lol and he didn't care . Also he asked me for money for several times like I realised he is using me he don't care he just want my money. And i am so clear person i told him what bothers me i told him i would love to help you if you needed anything but you asking me money to buy vape??grow up like youre 27 and im 21 and you asking me for money? He's not working btw that's why but i told him i can help ypu to find a jop last night i was so depressed like deeeply depressed so i kept sending him texts from the morning he didn't answer then he called me asking for money so i'm so confused what to do . I give him multiple of gifts he didn't even open the las gift i gave him I actually didn't ask him but he told oh btw I didn't opened it yet lol .
I know i lied to him about the pics i send isn't me and i know that i lied about other stuff but i loved him so bad guys i really do love him whenever we talk i feel like everything is so calm and peaceful .
I left him alot of times like more than 20 times then come back again.
But now i feel dissociation from my real life he is my FP and i think of him all the time but everything i tell him is a lie like idk why i lie i actually don't even the simple things guys I don't why i do that but i feel like now i have to lives? Whenever i sit at home and realise that my life is not like anything i tell him i feel depressed and idk it's a weird feeling.
Now i lied to him agian😔 so i can really let him go i told him i'm in the hospital I can't talk to you blah blah idk when i can come home etc .
At the end it's a online long distance relationship and i know he doesn't care but I don't know if did the wrong thing now ? And how can accept everything? It's like a truma i did it to myself.

I’m just wondering what everyone thought of the song choices for the the show and particularly the Polin scenes? I have had to go through a deep analysis of “Happier Than Ever” because… omg… my heart was breaking in that scene. And I was like how does this relate omg?? Then I wondered… is this Colin’s thinking of what Pen is thinking???
Loved the other songs too. Shout out especially to Snow on the Beach and our new Regency carriage hero, Pitbull
Also just a side note, thank you for being such a great community. It’s been a pleasure sharing this experience with you all!!
✨ You sparkle, Brava 👏🏻

It’s been 2 weeks from the last conversation(she called me and the whole conversation was 99% one sided with her screaming and reproaching things ,even mentioning that she will kill herself because of me. She hung up and then stopped replying to my texts. I was super worried for her wellbeing. At that point I didn’t even care if we will ever come back together, I just wanted to know she’s well. I have texted her on WhatsApp, Instagram and messenger. She did not even let me on seen. Before she used to block me on everything when we were breaking up, not sure why she didn’t this time but doesn’t want to communicate?! We have started the relationship and after a couple of weeks I already moved in her house(that was a mistake). We broke up several times and been apart for weeks sometimes. All the time I had to move out of the house and sleep in a friend’s sofa. I was feeling abandoned and almost lost hope. After 3 weeks of not talking to each other I had a one night stand then after a while we got back together. I only told her about this after a couple of months as I was afraid of her reaction (she’s a highly sensitive person). When I did tell her she didn’t stop crying from 1 pm until 8 am next day. She saw this as an infidelity and we had to go to the therapist as she was mentally exhausted. The therapist told her that what would expect when she kicked me out of the house so many times, sooner or later it would have happened. Also, she is was always fighting with me saying that I look at other girls in the gym, street, supermarket etc which is not the case. I have eyes to see but I don’t do eye contact with people and act flirty . As previous boyfriends were unfaithful with gym girls and social media that was it. Lots of insecurity and lack of self confidence. She asked me to remove from my social media profiles all the females and women I knew but were uploading beach photos (if she thought they were better looking). It was exhausting for me, I moved to a different city and I had to go to work by car everyday in the next city where I used to live before. I took her in Holidays to my home country and she met my whole family, my friends, I have tried to make it work but she doesn’t see these things as a sacrifice for the sake of love. I struggled to improve my Spanish(which is my 3rd language) so we can make communicate with ease. She didn’t make any effort to learn English not to mention my mother language. She thinks I manipulate, I have no empathy, I am a narcissist, I’m a bad person, I enjoy hurting her and I only care for myself. It’s beyond frustrating as none of these things it’s true and it breaks my heart. I really feel she’s the love of my life but I don’t know what to do, I’m not able to function properly, she’s on my mind 24/7 and can’t concentrate on anything, it’s draining my life completely. I don’t know what to do next ☹️

24F. Diagnosed with Bipolar II, ADHD, and CPTSD. I'm not even sure I can properly explain this because during depressive episodes (right now and for the past 4 months, in fact, though it's gotten marginally better in recent days) I lose a lot of my ability to write coherently, concisely, and accurately about what I'm feeling. The disconnect between emotion and thought has actually gotten so bad I genuinely cannot even journal anymore. (Coming back after finishing to add: this post alone ended up taking me nearly half the day to complete because I kept having to break and come back to it when my brain wouldn't work, and I often thought about giving up entirely lol.) But that's besides the point.
I had a sort of "eureka" moment during a non-depressive state at one point. That being, "This illness is cyclical. It will come back just as surely as it will eventually go away. Next time it comes, don't fight it."
It came back. I haven't been fighting it. I went from feeling immense, active suffering from constant self-hatred and learned helplessness to feeling dissociated and completely disconnected from my own thoughts, both positive and negative. Most moments are spent feeling nothing but irritability and in the moments where I feel something else, I am thoroughly distracted. My days are filled with distraction. The second I have time alone with my brain, I have crying spells that end in pathetic defeat and it's back to dissociation. "I get it. I get it. I wasn't meant to exist. But I am psychologically incapable of ending my life. I'm already here and I can't do anything about it. I have literally no choice but to continue to try."
Good for me for having that barrier to making rash decisions. But now I feel imprisoned by a life I did not choose. A prison of my own making that I am unwilling to break out of because I am just so. tired. I am aware of how much hard work and commitment it takes to live a fulfilling life with these disabilities. I am keenly aware that it is anything but an easy task and in this state it just does not feel worth it. But it is not an act of bravery that I'm still here in the face of suffering. I'm here because I have no choice.
It always comes back to this, and has since one of my first severe depressive episodes at the age of 14: I am too sensitive, too weak, to exist. So much so that I don't think I was supposed to be here in the first place. I do not, and have never cared about doing something "important" with my life. I have never cared about creating a legacy. I have never cared about being remembered. I have never cared about meaning or purpose in the traditional sense; in this state of mind, my purpose is to just exist, let life happen to me, observe carefully, learn, mimic. And in this state, I've realized I use this information as evidence. Confirmation.
At the end of the day, it seems the answer to this hypothetical is always the same. If there was a console with two buttons: one to continue living as is, and one to make it so I never existed at all, I would always choose the latter. Always. Even when things are good, even with all the luck I've had. The unfairness of life coupled with my weak constitution is inherently incompatible. Negative experiences will always feel more powerful, more real, than anything else.
Which brings me to my hypomanic episodes. They tend to involve extreme productivity, usually starting some large project that I spend every waking moment working on, of which there are many considering how poorly I sleep. I have energy and inspiration that simply cannot be funneled into enough things. I am able to "maintain" (these episodes last anywhere from 4 days to about a month) a superhuman-like "schedule" and "routine" that I would otherwise be incapable of adhering to, and would likely outright despise in ordinary circumstances.
But most notably, most of the time, I have a euphoric feeling about the human condition. I obsess over human suffering and our capacity to withstand it. I convince myself that if something catastrophic were to happen at that very moment, I would be resilient and strong in the face of it. That I could be, and would be, like those who can overcome any adversity at all.
But nothing I've ever been through has suggested that is true. Nearly any negative experience can knock me out of any positive or neutral mood and into a kind of dissociative, vegetative depression. My previous baseline state, where I was able to maintain a realistic and beneficial routine and sleep schedule for nearly 2 months, was instantly derailed, pathetically, by the moment I ended up crocheting too much and injured my left hand for a few days.
This one happenstance triggered a depressive state that I've now been in since March. And I tried to prevent it, really I did. I had enough experience practicing good habits by that point that I tried everything in my repertoire to keep it from spiraling. But it did. And now I'm here. I know better than to think I'm resilient. My window of tolerance is embarrassingly low, and I'm sorry that I don't have the will to strengthen it. Mentally, I am still a scared child hiding in the corner of a dark room from any and all real or imagined danger. And until my brain decides otherwise, (because of course mood changes are the nature of this illness), that's how it will stay.
Part of me believes that even my hypomanic self knows this. I don't know entirely how she operates, if I'm honest. So I've decided to conduct an "experiment."
I know she can't fathom how I think the way I do, and similarly I can't fathom how she thinks either. One is always blind to the other. I need to know whether or not, in my heart of hearts, I still say I would undo my existence. Even when everything inside of me is bursting with energy and life and vibrancy. Because instinct says I've always been this way in any state of mind, but I've never proved it.
So I recorded a short video explaining myself to my future hypomanic and even to my baseline self. Maybe I can find some middle ground between us. Because I have to do something. I have no choice but to do something.

I'm 24M and she's 28F. We are both native Chinese, and I have been studying in the US for 5 years. We met last year in China when I took the summer break (she hasn't been abroad before) and soon fell in love. So we are in LDR now (I've flown back to see her for two months, together we've physically been together for 5 months, and separate for 5 months). She indeed helped me through the most difficult period of my life, as I had depression at the time and was on medication. I think I got out of the condition under her support and love. However, deep in my heart, I always doubt if this relationship will last forever, as I think I'm still exploring my own life, and quite unsure of what my future looks like. She has suggested that she wants to marry me. I really want to tell her about my internal struggles and the idea of marriage actually sounds intimidating to me, but I can't because I don't want to hurt her, because I know once I tell her I don't want marriage she will wonder if I'm not serious on this relationship.
I know many of you may think it's the best to confess my thoughts to her and break up. I've thought about this, but I can't do so, for two reasons: 1. she has a really hurtful dating history, as her two ex-boyfriends hurt her so much, treating her so bad, that she has this inferiority complex that seems ingrained in her heart. She really sees me as a fateful destination of her life, as we have had a lot of good times together. I can't leave her like this, I can't deepen her existing trauma by betraying her. 2. She is from a rather economic-restrained family. She needs to support her parents, one of them suffering from a chronic illness. She works overtime everyday, sometimes plus weekends. If she hasn't met me, her parents would help find her a "ok" husband, which she despises. My point is: I can picture her life after I leave her, which is painstaking, living with a husband she doesn't necessarily love and doesn't love her (she's not physically attractive to most people I guess, but I'm fond of her), and she will spend rest of her life in China supporting her parents. I know this may appear to be my arrogant speculations, but I want to display the harsh reality here. If we continue, I can take her here to the US, I can help support her family by my salary. She has saved me from a dark place, I should do these things for her. It's immoral for me to leave her.
However, I can't keep myself from the thought of pursuing my own life, to me it's an evil thought. I know this sounds so contradictory, so hypocritic, but this is my true state right now.
Really hope for some true advice...what should I do, and what are the best ways to think about this?
Plus: I plan to work here in US after graduate. We have discussed about living abroad in the future, which she kind of objected but I think if we have determination to be together in the future it's not big issue.
TL;DR: I'm unsure about continuing the relationship, also some morality burdens are involved here. We are both Chinese and I'm studying in the US.

Once a fortress where wizards honed their eldritch craft, the Scarlet Citadel now holds a sinister reputation—and for a good reason. The dungeon’s well-trod stairs have seen few return from their journeys below. Now, malevolent creatures spin shadowy webs, enchant foul magics, and summon forth dark gods. But for those brave enough, ancient treasures and secrets still lie scattered everywhere.
Come and be the Goddamn Heroes
The Scarlet Citadel is a classic-style adventure for 10 levels of play, With evocative combats and magical mysteries brimming with plots and subplots This takes places in The Midgard setting by Kobold Press. With many new races, subclasses and hundreds of new spells Link to the world map of Midgard https://midgardmap.koboldpress.com/
Greetings aspiring Heroes I am DM Shaugnar or simply Dan. I am a professional DM that has been running D&D 5e games for a long time now. And i am looking for players that are interested in Playing D&D and also find a great and friendly group to play with. Everyone is welcome, beginners and veterans alike. A place where we treat each other with respect. Time slot for this game Wednesdays 7pm EST
In my games you can expect A Good mix of combat and rp A living and Breathing world Great maps, aps all with Dynamic lightning A slightly reworked campaign to make give it that little extra and add in players backstories A game and a DM that welcomes new players Combat, social encounters, RP, Exploration, Mysteries. Many Memorable NPC's to interact with Possibility to continue the adventure beyond Scarlet Citadel A safe space, everyone is welcome. no racism or discrimination All brought to you by an experienced and friendly DM
Rules: Be 18+. Bee a decent person. No racism, homophobia, sexism and so on. No personal attacks, don't be rude. You know the drill. Treat others with respect. if you are unable to do so you will be removed from the game
Game will be run on Roll20 and voice will be over Discord. Sessions will be 3 hours with a short break in the middle
Link to the game on Roll20 https://app.roll20.net/lfg/listing/373451/scarlet-citadel-a-dungeon-of-secrets-wednesdays-beginner-and-lgbt-friendly-game-come-and-forge-your-destiny
Link to the game on Startplaying https://startplaying.games/adventure/clj65fan9000b08mb6v760zap
If you do not have a Starplaying account sign up here https://startplaying.games/referral/ckqo2gzfy23o4bopkamba7goz
It is free to join and a good place to find games. And they take care of payment in an easy and safe way. you never have to share any payment information with me

Everyone, A channel that I manage is about to hit 100k Subs (99,701 right now) which is a humbling moment I have been at this for over 7 years on other channels (only on thos channel for 6 months).
But I wanted to post this and say IF YOU REALLY HONESTLY WANT TO DO IT THEN DONT QUIT. You may just be barking up the wrong tree keep and open mind. I went from a tech channel gaining 1 or 2 subscribers a video to now working in the firearms industry making hundreds and thousands of subs per video.
I work with a team now, I have a fantastic editor, thumbnail guy, and people to help manage the channel with me.
I am the lead on the channel which feels great, but can't take all the credit... either way I will leave my story below so you can read through it if you want. The skills I learned on my own and got good at in my free time as a hobby are now what I do for a living.
I suppose after a few years of being here on NewTubers, I may not be so new anymore. Regardless if anyone needs help with anything let me know (dm me or comment) and I wil respond .
If anyone wants proof the channel is called CF Clips. Feel free to stop by and say hello.
" 7 years ago I started a small channel called BAD Tech & Gaming (now BAD Tech Unlimited).
I gained 2k subscribers in nearly 3-4 years posting 400+ videos and learning from each and every one. I made Tech reviews and gaming content in overly crowded spaces so I saw moderate success. Meaning I really was once a small NewTuber, still am in some areas. (You can literally see my progression)
NOW I work with a Company called Classic Firearms (they have a yt channel w/ 1.4 million subs) and am the person running a channel called CF Clips at 78k Subs. I gained over 3-6 months 51k subs and wow does it feel great. All my hard work put in on my own channel paid off as I now have a great job working for a great company.
I say this to give you guys hope, if being a YouTuber is really something that you want to do then stick with it and learn EVERY CHANCE YOU GET!
I'm still not a massive channel or the best youtuber out there but I feel as though I can give some advice to those who are struggling. Really look at your Content Category, is that the best place for you? I took what I was doing with Tech Reviews and applied them to Firearms proving a business model to a already established company who would then support me as I continue to grow as a creator and a Youtuber.
Sometimes the path you think you need to be on is not quite right. Something needs to change and that change can feel impossible to know. I still have a long way to go to become one of the greats in my category BUT I will leave you with a quote that got me through all those 5am live streams many years ago.
"The heart of a champion is a light switch that's always on, it doesn't go on and off when someone is watching IT'S CONSTANT." "

Business wise she was successful. But she did make a lot of stupid decisions in her love life.
The first mistake : she moved in with Derwin and found Dr Grizzly after she told him to throw it away but stayed with him. I would've left at that moment.
She went to Miami with her girls cuz Derwin didn't want to go. But she called him and said she loved and missed him. I don't think that was a good thing to do seeing as how he still loved his ex. And he never told her he loved her back.
Third mistake: after she saw Melanie drop him off at the parade, she didn't leave. She should've told Derwin as soon as she picked him up from the parade that they were over. Went back to his house and packed her bags.
Fourth mistake: she did move back into her condo but she eventually moved back in after she was pregnant with his baby. He ends up breaking her heart again and she had the baby on his wedding day. She should've never moved back in with him.
S4 her and Dj moved into a big house while Derwin and Melanie were living in a big house together. She let Derwin go to her house playing family with her and Dj to get revenge for what Melanie did. As childish as Mel was It didn't really solve anything cuz Derwin wasn't going to leave Melanie. Janay said herself " I fell in love with your selfish ass and i was stupid enough to fall for it again " Her best choice was to just go to court.
She finally broke free in s5 cuz she met Noah and moved to NewYork despite Derwin having this weird attachment to her, getting mad that she moved on.
I liked Janay but I wouldn't want to be in a position where I'm trying to make things work with a man that doesn't want to be with me.

Once a fortress where wizards honed their eldritch craft, the Scarlet Citadel now holds a sinister reputation—and for a good reason. The dungeon’s well-trod stairs have seen few return from their journeys below. Now, malevolent creatures spin shadowy webs, enchant foul magics, and summon forth dark gods. But for those brave enough, ancient treasures and secrets still lie scattered everywhere.
The Scarlet Citadel is a classic-style adventure for 10 levels of play, With evocative combats and magical mysteries brimming with plots and subplots This takes places in The Midgard setting by Kobold Press. With many new races, subclasses and hundreds of new spells Link to the world map of Midgard https://midgardmap.koboldpress.com/
Greetings aspiring Heroes I am DM Shaugnar or simply Dan. I am a professional DM that has been running D&D 5e games for a long time now. And i am looking for players that are interested in Playing D&D and also find a great and friendly group to play with. Everyone is welcome, beginners and veterans alike. A place where we treat each other with respect. Time slot for this game Wednesdays 7pm EST
In my games you can expect A Good mix of combat and rp A living and Breathing world Great maps, aps all with Dynamic lightning A slightly reworked campaign to make give it that little extra and add in players backstories A game and a DM that welcomes new players Combat, social encounters, RP, Exploration, Mysteries. Many Memorable NPC's to interact with Possibility to continue the adventure beyond Scarlet Citadel A safe space, everyone is welcome. no racism or discrimination All brought to you by an experienced and friendly DM
Rules: Be 18+. Bee a decent person. No racism, homophobia, sexism and so on. No personal attacks, don't be rude. You know the drill. Treat others with respect. if you are unable to do so you will be removed from the game
Game will be run on Roll20 and voice will be over Discord. Sessions will be 3 hours with a short break in the middle
Link to the game on Roll20 https://app.roll20.net/lfg/listing/373451/scarlet-citadel-a-dungeon-of-secrets-wednesdays-beginner-and-lgbt-friendly-game-come-and-forge-your-destiny
Link to the game on Startplaying https://startplaying.games/adventure/clj65fan9000b08mb6v760zap
If you do not have a Starplaying account sign up here https://startplaying.games/referral/ckqo2gzfy23o4bopkamba7goz
It is free to join and a good place to find games. And they take care of payment in an easy and safe way. you never have to share any payment information with me

Hi folks,
Longtime lurker and first-time poster here. I need a (relatively) unbiased perspective on something that happened last night with my girlfriend.
For context, things between us have been touch and go for the past two months. A combination of issues we had when we first started dating resurfacing and long-distance (she's been working out of the country since March but will be back in about ten days) has made it hard to soothe each other during such times.
Things yesterday were more than okay. Actually, they were great. The warmth that we had at the start of the year when she was still here was back. She was affectionate, loving, cracking jokes, smiling, laughing, etc. I felt great. We decided to prepare dinner together that night on FaceTime, and things were going stellar.
Until she was jokingly telling me to stop singing this one song that she hated and I told her "to relax" in a non-serious tone. I instantly went, "Oh shit haha I'm so sorry, don't take my head off," because I remembered how she hates it when someone tells her to "relax." She clapped back, saying, "Haha don't tell me to relax, I'll fucking punch you in the face." And that is when I got pissed.
I'm a sensitive guy. I always have been. It is something that has caused me a lot of anguish in my previous relationship because I can very quickly get upset about small things. For some reason, I've always had an issue with this kind of language in relationships. Violence. Do I think my girlfriend would actually punch me in the face? Of course not. But for whatever reason, I've always been hyper-sensitive to this kind of talk. I also despise it when anyone goes for my face in a joking manner, whether it's some rough housing with my dad or my friends, or my significant other jokingly giving me a couple of taps on the face.
I've never been physically abused in my life. My parents never laid a hand on me. I've never been physically bullied, either. So I really don't know where this aversion to physical or verbal jokes of this kind comes from.
I got a little pissed. I didn't shout, scream, or throw a tantrum. But I was visibly upset. She asked me why I was so pissed since she was clearly joking and said she would never actually punch me. I said I don't like that kind of language being thrown around even as a joke, to which she said, "Who hurt you?"
She went on to say that if this triggered a soft spot because of something that happened to me, I should communicate that to her. But I can't expect her to understand that if I've never told her. I said nothing happened to me. I've never been physically abused, so there's no "trauma" underlying it. It's just something I don't enjoy. No need to overanalyze it.
That sentence kicked my anger up a few notches. I guess reflecting on it, it felt invalidating. It frustrated me. I said, "Who hurt me? Do you really want to take it there? Is that how you want to handle this?"
I was pretty sure I knew why that sentence hurt me. I was in an emotionally abusive, toxic relationship for five years with a borderline narcississt. My girlfriend knows this. She knows how bad it was. And I guess the crass nature of the 'who hurt you?' comment reminded me of a time earlier in my relationship with my current girlfriend where we were having an argument and she said, "Do I have to treat you like shit to have you?" Which was a clear reference to my previous relationship. She has since apologized for that comment, after I told her how profoundly invalidating and wrong it is to say something like that.
The thing is. My girlfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as rude, hurtful, or invalidating when she's upset. And I think this whole situation triggered that fight or flight response after the 'Who hurt you?' debacle.
Back to the current issue....
I was flooded, so I told her I'd call her back after I've cooled off. I took five minutes to relax and then called her back. I apologized for my "overreaction" to her joke and explained to her that generally, I don't enjoy these kinds of jokes.
She went on to say that she finds me getting upset at something like this, to the degree that I did get upset, "kind of ridiculous."
I told her I understand. I said it was unfair to get roused up like that. I told her it's all water under the bridge now and I know she didn't mean anything she said seriously. I reiterated that I don't appreciate these kinds of jokes and that I don't think it's a big ask not to make them in our relationship. She agreed.
After we spoke about it, I couldn't shake the feeling that her telling me my reaction was "ridiculous" and me doubling down by saying it was "unfair" to her was, in reality, unfair to me, and invalidating for me.
Either way, it seemed like the damage was done, though. She was cold for the rest of the night while we watched something on Netflix. The jokey, smiling, sensual person that was there a few minutes ago was replaced by a cold, frustrated, avoidant person. Things were just lukewarm for the rest of the night. She was back to feeling super anxious about all the things we were going through and I was back to feeling like garbage. My anxiety was through the roof. My heart was beating like I was running away from a tiger. I felt sick to my stomach.
I wanted to beat myself up to a pulp. My internal monologue went straight into self-hatred mode. "Why are you like this? This is all your fault. Things were fine, but your sensitive, fragile ass just had to have a moment, right? You couldn't just enjoy the present moment. You couldn't take two seconds to calm your nervous system down before overreacting. Now she probably feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you. She probably thinks you're a baby. You're not a real man. A real man wouldn't throw a childish tantrum like this over a silly fucking joke. You just gave her the ick. You triggered her, and now she's anxious and feeling like crap, and so are you. You just can't have nice things, can you? You have to self-sabotage, don't you?"
I didn't give into the monologue. I took ten minutes to record a voice note to myself, speaking to myself as though I was a friend. I told myself that while I may have overreacted, I did the right thing by taking accountability and apologizing. I also reminded myself that what I had done was far from a "tantrum." I didn't scream, shout, break stuff, or name-call. I didn't blame her, hold it against her for the rest of the night, or stonewall.
The issue that I am dealing with and have always dealt with in these situations is the intense feelings of shame and guilt that come about after these moments. In addition, I feel like I can never truly validate my feelings. Sure, I recorded that voice note as an exercise to try to rewire that awful, abusive self-talk in my head, but I still felt like the whole situation was entirely my fault. I still sort of blame myself for how she is feeling now. I blame myself for disrupting a moment of peace and well-being in our relationship. And I also know that I am prone to self-sabotage, so that makes it even more difficult to find the middle ground between taking responsibility for my actions and validating my feelings.
Was I being extra? Was I really overreacting? Is my insecure attachment causing me to overanalyze or interpret my girlfriend's actions after the initial episode I had? Did she really invalidate how I was feeling by asking the "who hurt you?" question in a somewhat sarcastic way as well as telling me that it was ridiculous of me to get angry at such a thing? Was I really being unfair to her by reacting how I did? Is my nervous system just picking up on a pattern of invalidating behaviour and the anger after the 'who hurt you?' comment is a natural reaction to that? It is the morning after that situation, and I am feeling rather distant towards her. I feel almost sick in my stomach. As though I'm seeing a side to her that I shouldn't ignore. But again, I think as people with insecure attachments we have this tendency to either put people on an insane pedestal to which they will inevitably fall short of or label any behaviour as a 'red flag'.
I'm not looking for a pity party. I want honest opinions, please. If I was really in the wrong, I want to hear that perspective.
TL;DR:
Things have been touch and go with my girlfriend due to resurfacing issues and long-distance challenges. Last night on FaceTime, she joked about punching me in the face, which upset me as I'm sensitive to violent language. I expressed my discomfort, and she responded with a sarcastic "who hurt you?" This reminded me of a past abusive relationship. I took a break to calm down and apologized, but she called my reaction "ridiculous." She became cold afterward, making me anxious and self-critical. Now, I feel conflicted, wondering if my reaction was an overreaction or if her responses were invalidating. Am I overanalyzing due to my insecure attachment style, or is this a red flag? Seeking honest opinions.

This is for people building Gizmek and will not be updated. The list is sorted by newest to oldest and I will maybe post an alphabetized one. Corrections are welcome.
Drytron Meteonis Alpha Draconids Gimmick Puppet Cattle Scream Gimmick Puppet Little Soldiers Division Ancient Gear Tanker Ancient Gear Dark Golem T.G. Glaive Blaster Storagepod Rescue-ACE Preventer Superheavy Samurai Soulgaia Booster Infinitrack Road Roller Labyrinth Heavy Tank Yaguramaru The Armor Ninja Meteor Rush - Monochroid Kashtira Arise-Heart Rescue-ACE Turbulence Rescue-ACE Hydrant Rescue-ACE Fire Engine Rescue-ACE Fire Attacker Surgical Striker - H.A.M.P. Aileron Vaylantz Voltage Viscount Vaylantz Mad Marquess Vaylantz Genesis Grand Duke Vaylantz Dominator Duke Vaylantz Buster Baron Morphtronic Telefon Gadget Gamer Symphonic Warrior DJJ D.D. Assault Carrier Speedroid Ultra Hound Speedroid Fuki-Modoshi Piper Master's Diploman Gizmek Taniguku, the Immobile Intellect Gizmek Naganaki, the Sunrise Signaler Gizmek Inaba, the Hopping Hare of Hakuto Gizmek Arakami, the Hailbringer Hog Drytron Meteonis Quadrantids Drytron Meteonis Draconids Gizmek Makami, the Ferocious Fanged Fortress Divine Arsenal AA-ZEUS - Sky Thunder Meklord Nucleus Infinity Core Meklord Emperor Wisel - Synchro Absorption Gizmek Okami, the Dreaded Deluge Dragon Appliancer Socketroll Appliancer Copybokkle Appliancer Breakerbuncle Gizmek Uka, the Festive Fox of Fecundity Malefic Paradox Gear Time Thief Chronocorder Gizmek Kaku, the Supreme Shining Sky Stag World Legacy - "World Key" Gizmek Yata, the Gleaming Vanguard Gimmick Puppet Bisque Doll Boot-Up Admiral - Destroyer Dynamo Gizmek Orochi, the Serpentron Sky Slasher T.G. Halberd Cannon/Assault Mode Cyber Dragon Nachster Superdreadnought Rail Cannon Juggernaut Liebe World Legacy - "World Crown" Cyber Dragon Herz Ancient Gear Megaton Golem Inspector Boarder F.A. Auto Navigator World Legacy - "World Armor" Mech Phantom Beast Raiten Fantastic Striborg Chimeratech Megafleet Dragon Cyberdarkness Dragon World Legacy - "World Chalice" Ancient Gear - Ultimate Pound Superheavy Samurai Helper Superheavy Samurai Fist Speedroid Maliciousmagnet SPYRAL GEAR - Last Resort Ancient Gear Reactor Dragon Speedroid Horse Stilts Heavy Armored Train Ironwolf Crystron Quariongandrax Ancient Gear Hunting Hound Duza The Meteor Cubic Vessel Crystron Rion D Cubed Torque Tune Gear Superheavy Samurai Soulpeacemaker Crystron Thystvern Crystron Quan Crystron Citree Heavy Mech Support Armor SPYRAL GEAR - Drone Speedroid Den-Den Daiko Duke Kozmo Dark Planet Deskbot 009 Kozmo Delta Shuttle Deskbot 008 Deskbot 007 Superheavy Samurai Thief Superheavy Samurai Soulclaw Superheavy Samurai Drum Deskbot Jet Deskbot 006 Speedroid Red-Eyed Dice Speedroid Double Yoyo Deskbot 005 Toon Ancient Gear Golem Deskbot 004 Superheavy Samurai Soulbeads Morphtronic Smartfon Deskbot 003 Superheavy Samurai Soulshield Wall Superheavy Samurai Soulbang Cannon Mono Synchron Geargiauger Geargiano Mk-III Superheavy Samurai Soulfire Suit Deskbot 002 Deskbot 001 Night Express Knight Number C6: Chronomaly Chaos Atlandis Gimmick Puppet Shadow Feeler Gimmick Puppet Magnet Doll Gimmick Puppet Dreary Doll Deep-Space Cruiser IX Mech Phantom Beast Warbluran Gimmick Puppet Gear Changer Box of Friends Photon Satellite Photon Pirate Gearspring Spirit Planet Pathfinder Superdreadnought Rail Cannon Gustav Max Vylon Tetra Vylon Sphere Wind-Up Carrier Zenmaity Barbaroid, the Ultimate Battle Machine Meklord Emperor Wisel Vylon Cube Unkown Synchron T.G. Halberd Cannon Morphtronic Lantron Meklord Emperor Skiel Meklord Astro Dragon Asterisk Buster Blaster Meklord Emperor Granel Meklord Astro Mekanikle Malefic Parallel Gear Symphonic Warrior Drumss Synchro Soldier Swift Scarecrow Scrap Mind Reader Neelde Soldier Karakuri Ninja mdl 339 "Sazank" Karakuri Barrel mdl 96 "Shinhuro" R-Genex Crusher Ally of Justice Decisive Armor Ally of Justice Cycle Reader Ally of Justice Reverse Break Ally of Justice Enemy Catcher Morphtronic Vacuumen Changer Synchron Cyber Eltanin Unicycular Tricular Oilman Bicular Genex Worker Turbo Rocket Turbo Cannon Minefieldriller Darksea Rescue Morphtronic Videon Scanner Chimeratech Fortress Dragon Metal Shooter Morphtronic Celefon Gadget Driver Turbo Booster Quillbolt Hedgehog DUCKER Mobile Cannon Cyber Valley Blast Sphere Card Trooper Yellow Gadget Ancient Gear Engineer Cyberdark Keel Cyberdark Horn Cyberdark Edge Cyberdark Dragon Satellite Cannon Chimeratech Overdragon Searchlightman Ancient Gear Cannon Adhesive Explosive UFOroid Fighter UFOroid Steamroid Patroid Gyroid Drillroid Ancient Gear Soldier Ancient Gear Golem Ancient Gear Beast Mecha-Dog Marron Heavy Mech Support Platform Bokoichi the Freightening Car KA-2 Des Scissors Union Rider Dimension Jar Gradius' Option Labyrinth Tank

So I (26F) have sister who is (28) , I love my sister with all my heart. And really would love to be closer to her. We are actually really close we share with each other almost all details. But my sister has a habit of belittling me and being extremely irritated by me. She treats me like I'm so dumb. She'd help me with certain things and then act resentful about it. So I make sure to not ask for any help from her. We live apart but whenever we see each other, the way she treats me breaks me sometimes. She will say belittling comments, comment about how I don't put and effort with myself simply because I hate wearing makeup etc. when I'm with her the day is just terrible because she will be so mean to me, and just bully and belittle me all day. Then wonder why I'm quiet and don't want to spend more time with her. Every single time I see her I just can't wait to be alone, because of how she treats me. My birthday is coming up and the thought of spending time with her is haunting me because I know she's just gonna make the day depressing, it seems I just really irritate her. Like everything about me seems to bother her.
I'm tempted to spend my birthday by myself.
Also tempted to just start keeping a distance between us because she just drains me,
What advice would you give me

I should start with saying this is my first relationship/girlfriend. I finally stopped being super picky about my "requirements" and gave OLD another go.
I met her approx 1 year ago. She's super cute and we initially got on really well because of our similar culture/upbringing. It's also both of ours' first relationship.
Early on, I never really felt the butterflies/rush you get when you crush on someone. However people told me this was "healthy". We usually see each other once a week - I don't really feel the desire to see her much more to be honest. It's not bad when we hangout more, it's just kind of boring. We barely text, just a reel every now and again. I feel like we don't have much to talk about as our interests are so different. When I think about weekend plans, I sometimes rather hang out with my guy friends instead.
She's super lovely, not superficial, great looks and because of our similar culture my parents would love her (lol)
We don't share any hobbies and the only thing we really do together is watch tv, or go out for food. I like the outdoors and fitness and she likes to stay home.
I don't know why, but I just can't seem to commit myself to her. I'm not sure if I love her. They say you know when you know, but I don't know... She told me for the first time she loves me. I said it back but it almost felt weird. It's like I'm afraid of it or something.
Since I've never really dated before this, I have nothing to compare it to. I honestly don't know what I want in a relationship, and what I'm supposed to be feeling. I feel like if I end things, I'll probably break her heart and I might look back and wonder if she really was the "one". I'll probably go back to OLD and regret everything lol. If I stay, I keep thinking "what if" there's someone I click with better.
Can it be normal to be 1 year in and not be sure about the future? I keep questioning if she's the one over the last few weeks and I'm feeling lost.

I honestly just don’t get it. sure porn was interesting to look at while i was a budding and horny teen just buying my first vibe, or just giving oral for the first time, but i truly can say i have no interest in anything; porn, other men/partners, whatsoever since i have been in this relationship. i’m 21, so i’m pretty young. i have gained a good bit of weight since we have been together, maybe 20-15 pounds, but he insists he still loves the way i look and that i am perfect. I’m just wondering what, if i am “perfect” there is to gain from porn?? why he is looking at OF leaks on reddit on his break, saving them while he’s in a drive through line, why he’s searching on some dodgy porn site for leaked content less than 10 minutes after we have sex while i am in the bathroom? our first d-day was a good while ago, around late august of last year. we have definitely had more, and while things have gotten marginally better, my one boundary is still not being respected. i even relented that he could still watch porn, but that’s o was not at all comfortable with him consciously seeking out individual women to look at— especially when those women look like everything i would have nearly died to look like at one point. one girl he even knew in person. since maybe the 3rd dday (novemberish) he deleted his “photo vault/spank bank” but i still find myself looking up the women i found on ig and comparing myself to what it is that he actually likes — what actually gets him off. our sex life has suffered, which i feel probably leads him more to porn and other self fulfilling methods.
04/16/24 i wrote that march 18th and to be quite honest, as I sit here mid april in the middle of the night, nothing has changed. I went through his phone again (pain shopping i know i know) after i glimpsed a porn site open while looking at his tax forms and closing his open apps (as i always do). i think i even made a comment about pretending that I didn’t see the porn/naked body on his screen. But I did. So now I sit here, sobbing next to him in bed at 3am while he snores and feeling again like the little girl who just wanted to be the first choice, not a compromise someone settles on. So now I sit here, wondering what is next, who is next, and how I change myself in order to ‘help’ him get away from porn. you see if i looked like the girls he wanted of course he wouldn’t need the others. So now I sit here, fighting the urge to make myself purge for the first time in years, to be closer to that image he so desperately needs, and cannot get from me. i sit thinking of the girl who so dearly wanted to be like the others, the ones who didn’t develop early, or later, the ones who didn’t have abnormally large boobs, just a cute butt and a flat flat stomach. the girl who just wanted to be loved so badly; who craved it as a child and can never seem to achieve it as an adult.
05/20/2024 the first week of may i cried myself to sleep every night. two of those i sobbed so hard he woke up. i don’t know what to do anymore. i grabbed his phone again today, after he had been to the bathroom for an extended amount of time with no shower running, and lo and behold! of course, there it was. every single time without fail. i just don’t know what to do. i want to look like those girls he looks at. i want to throw up my meals and workout relentlessly. i want to shrink my boobs and grow my ass. i want to be tiny again. i want to never eat again. i want him to physically see his harm change me— just as it has forever changed me mentally. i have cut myself down to around 1400 calories daily, with daily exercise of course as well. but even if i lose weight it will still not be enough. i haven’t been going to the gym for years and meal prepping and eating specifically. i fear i will never look like who he prefers. writing this, i want to claw anything ive ever eaten out of my body, i want to go back in time and tell younger me to work out, to care. i want to be pretty again, to stay pretty this time. i know anyone would tell me to break up and to leave, to put myself first, but i cant. i have never loved someone so hugely and completely. i know that i will most likely never have the strength to leave someone who i love, and despite everything, does/did love me in my eyes. at the same time i dont know how to look at him anymore. tonight i went and looked at every girl i could remember him looking at and searched them on instagram. there were 15 of them. i think i may send their profiles all at once to him in the morning when he wakes up. maybe even right in front of him— just to see his reaction. is that sick of me? i just want him to know that i know, and that honestly its ruining my life. i never feel pretty. I have never felt so ugly, so hideous, so monstrous, that my own boyfriend can’t even get off to me. sometimes i can’t even look at him. it hurts too much. i’m worried that if he looks at me too long that he will find something else that he dislikes about me, and look even more to rectify that in yet another woman. i almost wish he would find this and magically know this was about us, not that it would solve anything really. I have already poured my heart out, spoken calmly, been angry, forgiven, and sobbed as hard as i ever have before. what else i can do.