Pain in thigh when walking

I (25F) recently separated from my (25M) partner 3 months ago. We were together for 2 and a half years. It was a bitter sweet relationship. He met me through Instagram he was the one to approach me. The first few weeks were great we were vibing and got along really well. But as the relationship proceeded I began to notice he isn’t putting enough efforts as me. All the things he said in the beginning we would do never actually happened. I wanted us to explore new things, to travel, to experience any possible stuff from shopping to going on a lunch. I expressed many times initially through a polite communication that he’s not doing enough to make me feel special or meeting my efforts. But then it turned into arguments. He would go on vacations with his friends and I always expressed that it makes me feel leftout and I wanna experience all of that with him too. But every single time he gaslit me. Saying I’m asking for too much and I always try to start a fight and try to ruin his day just Cus I’m in a bad mood. I kept settling for the bare minimum for 2.5 years. Wishing one day he would magically change and start treating me better and see my worth. He made empty promises but actions never matched the words. He was the most important person for me and he always came first to me. I put so much effort on him I would start saving two months before his birthday to make it the most special day for him. I have spent three birthdays with him and he has never ever brought me a gift or on valentines or ever went out of his way to do something for me. The most basic thing you expect from a partner is to be heard and understood and for them to acknowledge your feelings that their actions bother you. For them to make you feel safe to be vulnerable and take care of your feelings. But everytime he would put a wall between us. He would invalidate my feelings, blameshift and minimise what I was going through. If I would ask about his day he would get annoyed saying I want the details about every single minute and I suffocate him. I was simply excited to know about his day Cus I loved him and I wanted to be a part of it. During the course of our relationship we only hanged out at his rental place which included a single bedroom. We have never traveled, never been to movies. He never introduced me to his friends. I would always justify his behaviour- maybe he’s occupied, maybe he is too busy with work, he has so many responsibilities of family and friends. Before breaking up with me we got into an ugly argument Cus I said that my skin has gotten worse cus he stresses me out so much. That hurt him so much that he was done with me. He warned me not do anything with myself that I’m not supposed to. I felt so bad and I apologised so many times but he was simply not ready to listen or answer my calls even once. Recently after the breakup I learnt that he has been with other females on his vacations whenever he went with his friends. I was devastated. Knowing that his platonic friends had more access to him and they get to spend a night with him but not me. Earlier I would see him leave comments below other females pictures and it made me upset but he would always mention that they are just normal friends and I matter more to him. Yesterday I texted him saying I want him to take accountability for his actions and manipulation that he went out with females behind my back. To which he replied that he got friends and I will never make friends cus of my toxicity. Toxic for always ruining his day. For constantly arguing to be loved. That’s when I knew I spend these years invested with a narcissist. I kept settling Cus I didn’t love myself enough to walk away. He will never take accountability or ever apologise. I don’t even think he would ever realise the pain he has put me through. Cus he would never self reflect. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces that I was trying to find in him. He made me question me my worth, he made me believe I’m not lovable, that I’m only good enough to be taken to a closed room. He’s the reason I’m suicidal but I’m only sticking around Cus I can’t do that to my parents. I have spent hours crying for him knowing well there won’t be any justice. And I hate myself for still loving him. My only fault was to love him too much that I got so scared of losing him that I lost myself. My whole world revolved around him. Maybe if I wasn’t so needy we would still be together. But I just wanted to be loved, to be understood, to be treated like I matter, to feel safe to be vulnerable, to have those difficult conversations so we could grow together as individuals. I don’t know if I was the problem for having these expectations or if it makes me toxic. But I’m not sure who I am anymore this experience truly took a toll on me.

So I(20M) was in a relationship for 1 year with a girl(19F) since the 1st Year of our college. This was both of our first relationship and we both never really tried before and both are very ambitious about our careers. I approached her and I was very straightforward about it and we got in a relationship after 2 months of knowing each other but we spent quite a lot of time together. Everything went well for 1 year , we had a great time , she would at many times show her gratitude for me being in her life and I would feel the same. However, she had some issues adjusting to the college life as she was an introvert and didn't had any friends in college, she also didn't like to hang out much and mostly focused on her studies, I was the only one she would spend time in college and even I had to convenience her to go out and do things because she never made any plans, but I can say for sure that she really liked going out every time with me.
There were many times that she would get upset over little things or rude over things that wasn't even my fault , like weather, exam stress etc. I never really made a big issue out of it and thought that she is just having trouble adjusting in college. I ALWAYS apologised when she would get upset because I considered here to be really emotional person , and even though her reasons for being upset were not very logical many times I thought she must be feeling a lot of things emotionally and if I apologise she'll feel heard and she'll feel better. This turned out to be big mistake , because after this apology she would mostly be upset for around a day and after that everything used to get normal and she would act normal again, because I was so in love with her, seeing her smile after the argument and hugging her after the separation of 1 day used to make my heart melt and I would she things like "Thank you for being so understanding" , I never really cared about ego or anything, to me she was very special , she was really Innocent and unique. Like I understood that this is her first relationship and she obviously doesn't understand how to react to these situations and acts out of emotions and since I can understand that it's just emotions I should be the understanding one. You can say this was the only issue in our relationship, we had no major issues and really was quite a fit for each other.
Now in our 3rd semester almost 1 year of being in a relationship, there was an argument between us, not even an argument, it was just me ranting for 1.5-2 Minutes, according to her this was the first time someone treated her this way, this is the start of all the troubles of my life, all I did was - I was waiting for 2.5 hours for her to complete a meet that she said would end in 15 minutes when it ended she was going forgetting that I was waiting for her, in the heat of the moment I said "it was a stupid meet and these people (the college club that held the meet) just keeps wasting our time" obviously in a very mocking tone and with anger, however, I controlled my anger and cracked a joke, and just still mocked the club with one two more lines. I promise I remember that day exactly that I even said this to her that I know it's not your fault even though you didn't know that it would take that long and I said nothing after that, NOT EVEN A SINGLE THING TO HER, according to her this was the first time I was angry on her and talked to her in this tone. She went completely silent as I was talking ( and this is a pattern , everytime she gets angry she would do this) and the thing is before this time , every time she went silent I would shut up and let her be , and she used to create this stressful and toxic environment where she would just don't talk to me at all and if she talks she'll be really rude and this time too I PREDICTED this but what was different this time was I WAS ALREADY FRUSTRATED, I was sick that day, I was not doing well adjusting to the new Semester and college myself , one of my biggest personal projects had Just Failed ( I dropped a year because of this project) and so I just didn't had the energy to let her go to hostel angry like this , so that it doesn't waste my 2 more days, I had no space for more stress in my life at that time. So I requested her to speak and she stayed silent, and I requested more and it just got really bad I kept asking her to speak and requesting her to speak and she was just silent like always, I knew I was angry it felt really wrong but I was frustrated with that behaviour , but she went back to hostel like that. After few hours I texted her apologising and explaining that I was really frustrated and stressed.
Next Morning I sent more messages In a lighter tone, cracked a joke but she replied very rudely, I called her and she didn't pick and I got really anxious and she didn't pick any call. I waited , apologised, cracked few jokes and said that this won't happen again because I won't really be that low in my life again , I would like always understand and can you understand too and she just replied "I am done being so understanding" I was shocked, and she started saying things like "I don't have feelings for you anymore" , She used things from my rant of last night "You don't even like the people I work with" and so many things , I just kept panicking and I went to her hostel and texted her that I am really sorry but we need to talk in person, that she is just really angry and that I would listen to anything she has to say, but she didn't say anything and didn't came down.
Then she wrote a day after that She would talk to me in a few days, meanwhile, we continued to see each other in class and she would just act so distant like she didn't even know me. This hurt me a lot (In retrospect I think I was also very naive to be so hurt and emotional) but I tried to talk to her again and she didn't even look at me, a few days later she invited me to talk to her in front of her hostel. She just said that She needs a one-month NO CONTACT break and that she needs some space, I reluctantly agreed because I wanted to talk to her first but she didn't want me to. I said that it would be really difficult since we see each other every day and we need to resolve things first but she was adamant. She said doesn't even want a single text from me. I agreed but I was really angry, this was very Irrational in my opinion and I just knew things ended at that point. I didn't text her or call her, though in the next seven days, I made the mistake of looking at her in class two or three times, to which she texted me that I should stop staring at her and that made her uncomfortable, this made me even angrier, this was the first time I stopped apologising after the fight and said that this isn't practical that we act as complete stranger and that I also really hurting from all this.
In a matter of one week she changed a lot , started giving all the details to her male best friend and also started acting very extrovert, she started joining events, late night walk with friends ( she never did this while we were in relationship , she used to get a call from her mother at 10 PM and she would always go back to hostel) , she started going out a lot and so much more , all in a matter of a week. All of this made me lose my patience and through a common friend I tried to find out what was going in her mind, after 8 days since she announced BREAK , she told that friend that she is going to breakup with me at the end of one month, that really made me angry because 8 days had been really tough on me and I just couldn't take anymore, I was fearful of going that if I see her and stare her for too long then she will get another point to breakup with me, this was breaking me. 4 days after this I went in front of her when she was returning from a party with her friends that Included our common friend and I stopped her and asked her to just talk to me and say what she wants to, she argued , she blamed me , and then she started crying and I just couldn't she her cry like that , and I just didn't want to be the bad guy in her life , I didn't want to be reason she is so sad, and I agreed to her breaking up with me. We walked for hours after that and I explained in every possible way that there must be some misunderstanding but she was so adamant, she said a lot of hurtful things in a calm way, but I just kept it all together because I didn't want to hurt her and made her feel like she was right.
we decided to keep talking and I was as nice as I could be , but she was rude at times, and she started talking about our breaking , saying that she is "Single" now to her friends, and she was never even so outgoing or extrovert to reveal things so fast. She would at times be really rude to me that I should be grateful that she is still talking to me, so one day I just released it all, all the pain and anger, told her that she was wrong in breaking up and the way she did it was cruel. we stopped talking.
Later on she agreed that she should not have asked for break, that her actions and behavior hurt me and so on but still she would act really rude just a day after saying these things and surprisingly the innocent and kind person that I thought her to be said to me that it's her choice who she dates, and "You can't stop me from moving on" that's my choice and she said to me because I was shocked that "You don't understand these things , there are many things like moving-on & REBOUNDS" , ( this is 2 weeks after the breakup), this is the day I lost all trust in her and to be honest all my respect for her, from this day on all my arguments with her was to get some closure I just wanted to understand, why would she do it, she never gave me closure.
there were many times after that when she was very nice and apologized for everything, said that I am someone really important in her life but she can't be in a relationship because she is not ready now but soon after that she would argue with me and act rude, I was not very nice too, after I lost all trust I was always really anxious, I used to feel very good when she would understand me and understand my situation so I would forget everything but soon after that she would just act really rude and distant, the text messages all of it was just a nightmare, waiting for her to reply.
I never felt this broken in my life, I used to be really ambitious and confident, and during all these traumatic events I considered ending it all many times because with the relationship everything else went downhill too, my acads, career, health. I even started smoking (which feels so stupid, people thing it was because of her but it was just at this point I lost all hope from life because I messed up so much).
It's been a year almost (8-9 months ) since our breakup but I still can't get over what happened, I still can't look at her in class, all I want to know is that Did I really deserve this? Was I really wrong for bothering her after the breakup for closure, in my opinion, I did "bother" her many times after the breakup for some closure, everytime she would either agree to everything I said or present something like we can keep talking or something like that, or sometimes just say she doesn't have the answer but never really gave me any closure.
She said that I am old fashioned and not "modern" to be still hung up on her and not moving on , I don't know if she is right or not because I have always been insecure about this, because I grew up in a small town in very backward state so maybe she is right I am too orthodox, and maybe she is right that that day I didn't treat her well and that's why breaking up was right but I don't know anymore. Am I even right in hating her for doing this or I am one of those guys who just curses their ex after a breakup, I am really just toxic and narcissistic, I just need validation of either of my theory just tell me what I should believe because I don't know anymore, I have been overthinking this for many nights, I have read so many Psychological blogs and seen many videos, what am I ? A toxic , narcissistic Red flag and she was right in just leaving me one day.
To all the modern people her, it's just normal for a girl to just leave you one day because you had a heated argument? They can end everything and hence you lose all "right" to be around them ? to ask them to talk to you ? or to resolve issues. isn't this a torture? I felt it to be torturous and I felt the urge to end it all because it came from someone who I admired a lot, who I adored, cared about her more than anything.
I don't know what to do anymore, I can't see her with anyone else in campus because I still feel that it's unresolved, I don't want to hate her but I don't know what I can do

Hi! I got COVID for the first time early February 2024, badly. I was delirious and had severe symptoms. I have had long COVID since: could only eat crisps once a day without being sick- lost around 13 KG, experienced heart palpitations, extreme fatigue and body pain, dehydration, losing my breath, and memory loss so far. It seems like I take on a new symptom every week.
I have ADHD unmedicated already so with this and the brain fog/memory issues, work has noticed. I work a demanding 9-5 in corporate, and I have said that I have long covid but they seem to not be understanding.

• Do you have advice on what exactly they said to their colleagues or how they manage work? I am scared about my job (live in the UK as a US citizen so may lose my visa). I get the feeling I am being perceived as making excuses or lazy as a lot of people don't know about it.
• Do you have advice for managing your symptoms? I use topical pain creams and ankle braces already, so would appreciate recs like that. I know I should be resting a lot more but I think staying in bed would be worse for my mental health. I live in a city so walking around triggers my symptoms but I still do it for mental wellbeing.

I went to the ER in the U.S. a month ago because my symptoms were so bad, they said to use NHS when I got back to the UK and participate in trials/research. I can't find any I can sign up for and the GP here just recommended vitamins which didn't work. Any advice on this too?

First Previous
"Heather has feathers but heath has teeth."
"Captain Hobbs!"
From above, Arran looks like a paradise, rich and green with ample water and perfect for settlement, it's only when you are on the ground that you understand why life had a hard time springing up here. Some time in the distant past, volcanic activity rose up from several specific areas of the planet and created an environment suitable for cyanobacteria which produced oxygen but can also make soils alkaline rich which happened on several distant worlds such as Earth. The volcanic activity on Arran produced great clouds, prevented an earth like environment to a certain degree but life began to rise from the planet, struggling with rocky terrain as well as acidic water, but refusing to gve up. Eventually plant life adapted to the conditions of the planets atmosphere creating a world of deep forests, fertile grasslands and bogs similar to the one Captain Hobbs had led his troops into.
Robert took his time walking through the field, letting himself calm down as the men pulled each other from the mire. He understood that it would take time and effort to adapt to this new world and had relied on the wisdom Brian McMurray had shared with him, regarding Arran, but it had already been two weeks since the furlough had ended and training had gone nowhere. Picking two plant stems, he approached The soggy Captain and his now exhausted and mud caked company.
"Let's review." Robert said tiredly, holding up the two stems.
"I don't do plants Robert." Hobbs said defiantly. "I get it and I remember it. Heather is higher than heath and heath grows on higher ground. Heather blooms in winter and heath blooms in summer, but none of that matters when the terrain is still shit."
"Heather blooms in summer..." Robert said, trying to hold back his frustration.
"Its spring asshole!" Hobbs interrupted. "The whole planet is a swamp and navigating it is going to be a pain in the ass. What isn't occupied for farming or goats is full of trees, mountains and mud."
"What would you suggest Hobbs?!" Robert shot back.
"I'd suggest you need to get laid again." Hobbs retorted.
Robert balled up a fist to strike Hobbs, but he let the anger and frustration go instead. Captain Hobbs had a point, the easiest land was occupied by agriculture and the moorland was too soft for most normal infantry tactics. A file could navigate well enough but a wedge formation would inevitably find a soft spot and both provided easy pickings for anyone paying attention. The mountains were equally difficult to navigate for their own reasons and the forests of the planet were damn near impenetrable.
"Round them up and head back Hobbs." Robert said defeated.
"What ever you sau, SIR!" Hobbs replied mockingly.
Robert dismissed the other companies in the same manner, none of them had faired well in the soupy terrain. The 449th made their way back to where their coaches had been parked, but Robert lingered a while longer, watching them load up and head back to town on the coaches. Things had changed in their short time on Arran, he felt distant from his men, like a chasm had formed between him and them, and the feeling he had let them down too many times weighed heavily on his shoulders as he starting his long walk back to Brodick.
/////
"Welcome back Colonel." Scarlet said brightly.
The local star had begun to set when Robert arrived. Clouds were painted in soft pastel colors by the falling star, further highlighting Robert's dark mood. He was thankful that the Laird had left the planet recently for a conference and wouldn't be back for a few more days, perhaps he could turn things around before the Laird returned. In his stead, he had left Scarlet and the butler who had suffered his abominable attitude. He would have to make it up to them soon.
"I take it training didn't go well today either?"
At first impression, the Butler of the MacSweeney estate always seemed to be in afoul mood, but nothing was further from the truth. His stoic disposition and rigid bearing was the result of a few years in the Terran Marines, but he preferred to be called Dean and shared his life freely over a finger or two of the local scotch when he was off duty. He hadn't been blessed with a wife or children, but made up for it by being a father figure to the staff.
"Thanks Dean," Robert replied, "it hasn't been a good day and I was wondering if I could pick your brain."
Dean's normally strait face cracked a little and he let out a small chuckle.
"Asking a butler for military advice? You must be desperate." He quipped.
"Asking a Marine what I'm doing wrong as an officer." Robert corrected. "A drink would be nice as well."
Dean led Robert into the staff dining room and produced a bottle of whiskey, pouring a glass for both of them.
"What seems to be the trouble?" Dean asked, holding out a glass for Robert.
"I don't know really." Robert confided. "I almost hit Hobbs today out of frustration and I don't feel like I'm a part of the unit as much as I used to."
Dean took a sip of the whiskey and rolled it around for a moment before swallowing. "May I ask why you almost struck a subordinate?"
"He can't figure out the difference between heather hand heath." Robert replied before knocking back his own glass.
"Couldn't stay out of the bog." Dean said. "Do you know that they are different?"
Robert looked at Dean with suspicion. "They look alike from a distance, but when you look closely they have a lot of differences."
"Heath is an Erica but heather is Calluna Vulgaris." Dean stated. "It was confusing for the early botanists on earth as well who thoughtthey were the same species for a long time." Dean said. "From a distance most people assume they're the same plant with the same needs. Heaths and Heathers native to this world require different things. If you were to clump them all into a single pot some would die."
"Why do I have the feeling this isn't about plants?" Robert asked.
"Because it isn't" Dean said before finishing his glass. "All of you have been clumped together for so long that even you think your all the same, and treating them like they are the same as you is already showing signs of trouble."
"Have any suggestions?" Robert asked as Dean emptied the bottle into the glasses.
"Two suggestions. First i would advise that you empty that glass." Dean said.
Robert did as he was advised, draining the glass in one go.
"I believe you have your men's ranks and positions in order correct?" Dean asked.
"For the most part." Robert replied.
"Would you be so kind as to retrieve them?" Dean requested.
"Sure, but.... whats the other thing?" Robert inquired.
Dean held up the empty bottle.
"It appears we are out of scotch."

Hello everybody! I (26F) am new to this group (but unfortunately not new to kidney stones). My CT scan came back today and they have found not 1, not 2, but 7 stones in my left kidney which would explain the left flank pain ive had for the past few months. This being said, I have had kidney stones since I was younger but I feel like I have never passed one nor have I ever seen one come out. I have never felt the excrutiating pain everyone talks about, only the annoying left flank pain that irritates me, its a dull stab feel. But I am however able to work, go to school, walk, etc. with this pain. I am just wondering if 1. anyone has experienced the "no pain" part and still passed one and 2. with 7 stones ahead of me, what should I do to speed up the process? I am a full time student / full time healthcare worker so taking time off to figure these out, let alone a surgery, would really not be ideal. The report says 6 are small in the midpole of my left kidney while 1 of them is in the top of the kidney lining (this one I am aware of, doctor said it'd be more harmful to get it out than it is to leave it? idk). I am concerned bc the report has indicated scarring and I realize this has the potential to mess with kidney function as time goes on. Anyways, any help would be super super appreciated.
TLDR: I have 7 kidney stones, how can i pass them ASAP and what am I to expect when I pass them?

30m and have been lurking on here since I first started twitching 7 months ago. I just wanted to share my experience, although I do fear I will be very long winded...TLDR I got really anxious, body started acting really weird, focused on physical/mental improvements, started feeling better!
I think this story will sound quite familiar for everyone on here...after a period of inactivity I began experiencing unfamiliar physical sensations that started ringing alarm bells in my head. I had lingering shoulder pain for no discernible reason that was radiating down my arm and giving tingles into my neck area. When this hung around for a couple of months, I made a visit to my GP and they paid it no mind. As it started getting worse, our old friend Dr. Google of course was telling me that this is MS. The feeling of numbness started spreading and I basically was melting down for the entire winter over this. A family friend who is a neurologist recommended finding a colleague of his locally just to check that box and move on.
As this was all peaking, I started to notice a squirming feeling in the arch of my foot, along with tightness/cramping along my entire leg. This eventually settled into pretty constant foot twitches and pain across my entire foot. I was continuing to shut down and those around me were quite aware that something was wrong with me. I agreed of course, and was insisting it was a neurological problem. They then agreed with that, and that the problem was my anxiety.
I finally had my appointment with the neurologist in February and he identified zero issues during his clinical exam. He did order an EMG on my arm due to the length of time that the shoulder issue was lingering. It was of course completely clean, and he couldn't have been less interested concerning my foot/leg. I showed him a video of my foot spasming, and he remarked "that is as relevant of a symptom to there being a major issue as your eyes being brown." He said to see an orthopedic doctor and that I won't need to see a neurologist for at least 40 years.
This offered temporary relief, and my shoulder started feeling better. But as that was happening, the twitches started spreading all over. First it moved across to my other foot, and then up my calves into my lower thigh near my knees. I started freaking out again. The foot pain was persisting, so I visited the orthopedic doctor. They couldn't really identify any sort of problem and referred me to a neurophysiologist to perform an EMG on my legs.
As I waited patiently for the month to pass until that appointment, I decided that I needed to have a mentality shift with this situation. It was time to focus on the things that I can control, which is both my physical activity and mental health. I started working with a physical therapist and also a CBT therapist. Both have been invaluable! I started seeing physical improvement and continued to push myself exercise wise. I made it a point of emphasis to walk at least 2.5 miles every day and to resume pickup basketball/golfing. I made big strides with my therapist and they ended up referring me to a psychiatrist. Eventually an SSRI was recommended and that has been a big help as well.
The EMG date came, and even though I had started feeling better, I was extremely nervous. My twitches were very wide spread (foot, calf, knee, thigh, butt, abs, neck, biceps, triceps, forearm, and hands) and still causing me distress. The EMG was completely clean with zero findings, which of course everyone predicted.
It has been a month since then, and I'm feeling the best I have physically and mentally in 2 years. I'm still twitching all over, mostly in my legs, but it has been reduced by quite a margin. I have no interest in going back to see any doctors for quite some time. This twitching stuff is so distressing at first and the periods of uncertainty/confusion are legitimately traumatizing. I just felt that it was really important to share a positive story for others that are still in that period of time.
Please feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk, and focus on improving the things that are within your control!

I don’t even know how to describe what’s wrong honestly. I just don’t feel quite right and am concerned is maybe the best way I can think to describe it bc I’m not really in pain but I have a certain degree of discomfort and my abdomen can feel mild pain sometimes particularly when laying on my side or bending over and occasionally I do get a bit of pain. I guess 1 of the best ways to describe it might be that I have tenderness and a bloated feeling in my abdomen, or a feeling of pressure. I think I’ve generally felt this way for several weeks with significant fatigue but I think it’s gotten more substantial recently especially today to the point where today I’m now urinating like every half hour or more frequently. I’m a bit concerned about kidney failure now or something related to my kidneys. Earlier today at the advice of my friend I was concerned about Type 1 Diabetes so I went to an urgent care facility and when they asked me what’s wrong I didn’t know what to say and said I might be interested in doing a diabetes screening and described the symptoms of frequent urination and tenderness in the abdomen. They told me that I needed a doctors order in order to run lab tests (that they can’t just test without me seeing a doctor 1st and a doctor ordering it which Idrg bc don’t they have doctors at that facility that can order them 🤷‍♂️) so I went home and scheduled a doctors appointment for Friday. I won’t get into it much here but that seems silly to me that I can’t just decide to have lab tests done to see what might be going on with me. Idk how urgent this might be and the thought of waiting more days for something that could have been done today is a bit frustrating and scary to me but I guess that’s my fault for not keeping up with my regular physicals and bloodwork and for waiting to see a doctor for so long after having the notion months ago that something feels a little off.
Uhm so, idk what to expect tbh. I’m worried about everything from Kidney problems to a urinary tract infection to a bacterial infection to pre diabetes or something (although I guess it’s probably not that but I wouldn’t really know). There’s no history of diabetes in my family afaik. Uhm I don’t eat a lot of sugar.
1 strange theory I have that I want to mention is that I’m concerned it could have to do with Grapefruit juice. I drink about at least 12 oz. of Florida’s natural Ruby Red Grapefruit juice everyday and have for years. I’m particularly concerned about the grapefruit juice after reading this:
https://ibb.co/7gD8DwK https://ibb.co/KGNBsYG https://ibb.co/gmpPKvF https://ibb.co/b1rxCBC
“Grapefruit juice can cause kidney failure in some people due to its high potassium content People with kidney infections should be cautious because their kidneys may not be able to filter out excess potassium, which can be life-threatening.”
“Grapefruit can also cause kidney toxicity, also known as nephrotoxicity, which can lead to kidney failure and damage. Other side effects of grapefruit juice on the kidneys include: • Muscle breakdown: When grapefruit is used with certain statins, it can cause abnormal and potentially serious muscle breakdown. The FDA reports that this risk can lead to kidney failure. • Liver damage: The FDA reports that this risk can lead to kidney failure. • Neurological side effects: The Mayo Clinic reports that these include confusion and memory lOss. However, grapefruit also contains a flavonoid called naringenin, which regulates a protein that decreases growths related to kidney cysts. A 2014 study by scientists at Royal Holloway, University of London, found that naringenin can prevent kidney cysts from forming.”
Uhm just laying down writing this now I think just realized I may be able to feel slight pain or pressure or bloating in my back which I read earlier today is sign of a kidney problem.
Idk what to do and am just a little scared and concerned I guess about waiting.
Medications I take include methadone daily at 29 mgs in the mornings.
I intake nicotine pretty heavily through a vaporizer.
What other information should I include uhm, I’m a 5’7” male, 28 years old, I weigh about 135 - 140 lbs, probably on the lower end rn but idrk.
Yeah idk my abdomen just feels weird in a way I’ve never experienced before and like tense and like pressure and I feel like I don’t want to bend over or twist it.
I think I might have a tonsil stone (Bc of a large white growth in my throat most visible when I shine a flashlight in my mouth down my throat) and possibly a skin / staph infection on another part of the body but that’s probably an unrelated issue. I only say that bc I have a boil looking skin bump on my rear. And that I’ve heard those can be staph infections. And I suppose I’m worried about that having possibly spread.
Sorry for being so thorough with possibly unrelated stuff. I just want to include as much information as possible bc idk what might be important in ways I don’t understand.
Uhm if I think of anything else I’ll post it in the comments. But yeah I just don’t feel great man, like I felt a bit nauseated and a bit ill this morning for a short while. I’ve felt extremely fatigued for weeks now sleeping an extremely excessive amount and rn walking around writing this I just feel a tension in my abdomen and sides and just torso / lower torso? Idk just torso in general. I really just don’t know how to describe it. Even my heart and arms sometimes kind of ache a bit recently. Idk even legs or limbs occasionally feel an ache that idk could just be anything. Maybe I’m getting a bit hypochondriac.
I don’t know what to think.
Thanks a lot for any time. I’m sorry I wrote so much. Nobody likes a kiss ass but I’ll say it anyway, I have great respect for the profession of healthcare provider. Like in a bit of a religious sense I think that kind of helping people in some of their worst moments and most needy and weak moments is admirable in a way almost nothing else is.
Think I might go back to a facility and try to see someone 1 more time or at least talk to them a bit more and explain better bc my family is encouraging me to. I don’t want to bother them unnecessarily though especially if I caused this and it’s some strange obscure phenomenon. Idk that’s all.

Please bear with me. I’m new to this and don’t know what I’m doing. I (30f) have not talked to my mom in over a year. I have 3 sisters (one older two younger) and 2 brothers(both older). Mom and dad divorced when I was 4 mom had two younger ones with another man. Who she eventually divorced also. When I was 11 she flew to Florida for a month for work where she met her husband(still married now) he moved back with her and worked at same company. Well she married him in about a year and we moved in with him. That’s when he started touching me every chance he got. Would wear a robe with nothing on underneath and b full spread when I walked in room. I saw that man naked more times than I ever wanted. He would come into bathroom when I was about to shower and turn it on and just wait while I’m in towel. Come into my room without knocking with just his robe on and start randomly hugging me. Same if I did laundry late at night. Would find excuses to grab something off my lap and brush high up on my thighs. Always brush against my ass when he walked by even if there was shit ton of space. All that fun stuff. One day I went with my little sisters to their dad’s house where I told him what happens at home to me. He got ahold of my dad and mom and we all sat down to talk. She apologized and said how sorry she was then went home to have a talk with him. This was around Christmas time so turned into a huge thing. My grandma came to our Christmas saying we were super ungrateful kids and making up lies cuz we don’t like mom’s new husband. So was told all the time I was begging for attention. It stayed like that if I was single or without a boyfriend at their house. All the way til I was 25 and met amazing man I’m with right now. Fast forward to when I was 28. My sibling my mom and I have snap chat. We always say good morning and goodnight to everyone everyday. One day I get a picture from my mom of him naked in background saying how he’s “making coffee naked lol” enter fucking trauma spin for months. I asked her to not contact me. Until I’m ready to talk to her. Then once again I’m getting messages from family calling screaming that “life is short.””you only get one mother”” she’s ur blood”. So now I’m no contact with my moms whole side of the family. I decided that the peace I found with my boyfriend is way more important than the trauma and drama I always got growing up. So for over a year I haven’t contacted anyone except my sibling. I had to block or delete my mom on everything so I can finally heal from shitshow of teen years. Still got calls that I just ignored and fb messages I just put on silent. My youngest sister just had baby shower so that was awesomely uncomfortable having my aunt and grandma come up to me saying how much they missed me when I didn’t miss them at all. . So skip to today. My little sister text me saying “moms missing and is apparently drinking. Telling grandma and everyone goodbye and quit her job” I asked her what she wanted me to do. She said “reach out? See if she’ll answer you”. I told her I loved her but don’t care what she does I do not have a mother and haven’t in a long time. She’s making her decisions like I made mine. That thats not my responsibility and on her to deal with. I’m not happy she’s trying to hurt herself but I won’t be reaching out. After I sent the last one she said they found her right where they thought she was. So no idea why I even got a message. So. Am I the asshole for not caring/reaching out?

Would love to hear your journey to get a DX and treatment and how it worked for you.
My longer story:
I am legitimately accident prone. In 2018 was in a car accident and lost against the steering wheel.
Approximately where your gallbladder is started experiencing sharp pains. Also rotator cuff damage on that side.
I had my gallbladder taken out on the chance it was that. No HIDA scan necessary, they saw an incidental gallstone on us like a year prior. Never had issues and it wasn't what we were looking for at the time.
I also had shoulder surgery, they suspected a SLAP tear based on my symptoms and pain location (pain starts in the front and wraps around into my scapular area. Although it was hard to tell where it started until recently)
No slap tear confirmed via scope
At this point I'm told intercostal neuralgia, modify my life style.
So I stop using my abs and let my body develop compensations.
Never using my core resulted in liveable pain levels (but still present)
Enter 2022. I break my knee and do something to my thigh/hip
Finally in 2024 after failing numerous regular PTs I'm put into Pelvic Floor PT.
Last week she starts assigning core exercises.
As soon as I activate my deep abdominal muscles the pain climbs and hasn't left since.
And it's pain, not soreness from something new.
Now I can't sleep cough or laugh.
Pacing seems to help.
So anyway I had a light bulb moment when that happened and am thinking I don't have intercostal neuralgia, but possibly ACNES still don't think that does anything to HELP me..
But if you do have this how did you get over it? I need to heal my core to heal my leg to have some sort of life.

I was at the Lowe’s on Jordan Creek in West Des Moines, IA on Saturday. I was looking for a plumbing part to go along with a garbage disposal I had in my cart and the only associate I could find was at the appliance desk (he was in late 40s or 50s). I politely asked him if he could help me find something because I couldn’t find it after spending probably 10 minutes trying. He said it’s down aisle 34. I asked if he could help because I already looked there. All this time, he was looking at my cane and could clearly see I was having issues walking due and pushing the cart. He said no, it’s in 34. Again I asked for his assistance, and again he refused to move - and there were no other customers around waiting for help.
I went to isle 34 and looked again for probably 10 minutes. I went to find him again and when he saw me coming, he immediately turned around and walked away. I hit the help button in plumbing and it rang over the PA for over 10 minutes without anybody coming before just turning itself off. He walked by a couple isles away and saw me waiting there. He kept casually walking away; again he wasn’t helping anybody.
I kept waiting and looking and had to finally yell at somebody a ways away to get somebody to help. It took them over 5 minutes to find the part and it wasn’t in aisle 34.
I feel this associate purposely discriminated against me for being handicap, despite me being polite and trying multiple times to find it myself. I have never in my life felt so dehumanized and belittled as I did. I have only had my disability for around a year and this is my first encounter where I feel it wasn't just a case of bad customer experience - and I really try to be understanding and accepting of those types of things as everybody has a bad day.
I was so worked up, my chest was hurting like I was going to have a heart attack (had one last year), my blood pressure went through the roof (had 3 strokes last year), and I was shaking so badly I almost got into an accident. All which then led to a panic attack. I am a very calm and rational person, but that is absolutely unacceptable and demonstrates the level of discrimination I perceived. When I (very visibly upset) told the cashier that I was treated very rudely by an associate, she didn't even acknowledge it or apologize for that experience, let alone attempt to escalate the matter.
I called the store right when I got home and demanded to speak to the manager (call me Karen if you want). She was dismissive and flippant to the point she was hanging up when I said, um... don't you want my name and number in case you have questions?
I then found the Executive Customer Experience email address and sent a complaint matching the above. I've gotten a few replies going back and forth, but it's basically "thanks for letting us know, now forget it" every time. That doesn't address 1- the discrimination I felt, 2 - give me any comfort that those involved are held accountable, and/or 3 - show a true interest in acknowledging and fixing what may be a systemic issue at either that store or culturally in the organization.
It's very clear that at no level in the organization is there genuine understanding of what basic, consistent, and unbiased customer service and experiences should be for everybody, regardless of race, gender, disability, or anything else.
From the clear discrimination by one or more associates, the flippant handling of the complaint from the store manager, to the canned responses, I honestly don't feel like Lowe's cares one iota about how it treats those with disabilities. It's even more egregious when those customers are doing everything they can to both be polite and respectful to associates, and go out of their way - despite their struggles - of resolving matters themselves.
What I need to determine is how to proceed. Do I forget the discrimination and the immediate and lasting pain it has caused? Do I start a social media trend for people to share their stories of discrimination by Lowe's associates (I'm guessing something like that would normally trend)? Do I file a formal ADA Civil Rights Complaint? I don't know the answer.

about to start my first workout in years! I've been on ozempic 2mg for 8 weeks now and I've actually gained 13 pounds. I'm 27, male, 5'8, at 240 pounds. I have diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, and issues with cholesterol. I also take various medications for mental health issues. I suffer from chronic back pain due to a life saving surgery when I was 2 years old. I also have an undiagnosed heart issue that causes random and sudden palpitations and make my resting heartrate about 110 on a daily basis. walking around a store can easily make my bpm rise to 160 and going up stairs can make it rise to almost 190. I'm seeing a cardiologist and a dietitian along with my primary care doctor to start this journey. it sucks that I can't do many exercises that cause rapid heart rate but I'm trying to better my health. I'll be wearing a holter monitor Monday through Friday for the first couple weeks just to make sure I could handle working out. I'm excited.

Good morning sisters and brothers, fellow Saints of our aspirational Zion. I was asked to speak and allowed to decide what the topic would be. After a lot of consideration I felt inspired to speak about being Actively Engaged in a Good Cause and how that relates to the full name of the church.
I was glad when President Nelson decided to put more emphasis on the full name of the church. Not that I mind using the term Mormon, but because I do find the full name of the church to be significant. When the church was organized in 1830 it was called the Church of Christ. In 1834 the members voted to change the name of the church to the Church of the Latter-day Saints. Then in 1838 Joseph had a revelation for the name to be The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While this effectively combined the two previous names, it also highlights something that I think most people overlook. Namely that the church is not only Jesus’s church, but that the church also belongs to us, the Latter-day Saints. We too have ownership of the church. While this may sound strange at first, it actually also fits very well with another concept that Joseph Smith taught: Theodemocracy.
Joseph spoke of this most actively the year before his death when running for President of the United States and when the Council of Fifty was created. The idea also holds in it that while God is in charge, we also have ownership and must have a say, actively vote, propose new ideas, and generally be actively engaged in moving things forward. It is not a theocracy with a fake voting system attached like that of North Korea. However, we have largely seen our own tradition move from one in which we do things by common consent including adding to our canon or as in 1834 voting to change the name of the church, towards something much more akin to voting in North Korea. This has coincided with other shifts in which we have taken less and less ownership of our church and as a result failed to properly sustain and support our leaders.
It is unfair to our leaders for us to sit back and wait for them to do frankly most of the heavy lifting when it comes to the running and functioning of our church, stake, and ward. In the past when I’ve been in callings that required me to be overseeing the assignments of home teaching or really any other church assignments, my experience has been that occasionally some inspiration will strike for some of the assignments, but that for the majority, I felt like I was left to figure out myself what assignments seemed to make the most sense. I know that many leaders that I have spoken to on this topic have also had such experiences. When we as members speak with our leaders, share information with them, it makes it much easier to make the best decisions. Without that feedback much more is left to guesswork.
We need to support and sustain our leaders, but this becomes difficult or challenging if we bring some assumptions to the table when considering how we do this. A major one as I see it is when we put too much trust in the arm of the flesh and grant our leaders infallibility or the lesser but largely equivalent functional infallibility.
As the saying goes: “Catholics say that the Pope is infallible, but none of them believe it. Mormons say that the Prophet is fallible, but none of them believe it.” Brigham Young recognized the potential for harm in this setting and said:
"I am fearful [the Saints will] settle down in a state of blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken the influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way.” – Brigham Young 1862 General Conference (quoted in General Conference of the church in 1963 and in 1989)
And this one is also important:
"And none are required to tamely and blindly submit to a man because he has a portion of the priesthood. We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark, that they would do anything they were told to do by those who presided over them, if they knew it was wrong; but such obedience as this is worse than folly to us; it is slavery in the extreme; and the man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings, until he turns from his folly. A man of God… would despise the idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without asking any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their minds to do wrong themselves.” – Millennial Star, vol.14 #38, pp. 593-95
Yet does this functionally happen in the church? Do we follow this council to find out for ourselves instead of simply assuming everything from our leaders is divine? Apostle Charles W. Penrose, who would later serve as counselor to President Smith, declared:
"President Wilford Woodruff is a man of wisdom and experience, and we respect him, but we do not believe his personal views or utterances are revelations from God; and when ‘Thus saith the Lord’, comes from him, the saints investigate it: they do not shut their eyes and take it down like a pill.” – Millennial Star 54:191
Do we do this? When the prophet says “Thus saith the Lord” do we take the time to investigate it? Do we remember President Kimball’s reaction to Elder Benson’s talk on the “14 fundamentals of following the prophet”?
"Spencer felt concern about the talk, wanting to protect the Church against being misunderstood as espousing ultraconservative politics or an unthinking “follow the leader” mentality. The First Presidency again called Elder Benson in to discuss what he had said and asked him to make explanation to the full Quorum of the Twelve and other General Authorities… A First Presidency spokesman Don LeFevre reiterated to the press the day after the speech that it is “simply not true” that the Church President’s “word is law on all issues—including politics.” – Lengthen Your Stride – Working Draft, by Edward Kimball
I’ve had the opportunity to know some great Mormons who do take this approach, but I’ve also known many who treat quotes from church leaders like downloaded messages from God (no human filters involved).
If we can believe that God is capable of inspiring our leaders, surely we can believe God is capable of letting us know when they’re wrong. If instead we assume that their judgment is always superior to our own, perhaps we’re helping to put up a massive iron gate.
"How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?" – Dieter Uchtdorf 2012 Worldwide Leadership Training
Moses once opined “Would that all the Lord's people were prophets, that the Lord would put his Spirit on them!” We have all been confirmed members of the church and in that confirmation told to receive the Holy Ghost. It is easy to forget that when the spirit tells us something, that is a member of the Godhead speaking to us. If we can believe that God can give guidance to our leaders surely we can also believe God can give us guidance.
Another important and often overlooked point is the context to this oft quoted verse:
"We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion." -D&C 121:39
This statement wasn’t given in a vacuum. It is in the middle of a long discussion of priesthood and priesthood authority. This is talking specifically about priesthood leaders. When we read that “many are called but few are chosen,” we’re reading that many priesthood leaders abuse their power and only few truly honor it. The saints in Joseph’s day understood this. I think we’ve sanitized it over the years to make it seem like an aside, an intermission on the discussion of priesthood. This statement is as true now as ever. This verse, with its proper context, needs to be a lesson for us as members. We need to sustain and support our leaders. This doesn’t mean following them blindly. This doesn’t mean we must become “yes-men” to them. This does mean pray for them to be chosen instead of just called. This does mean to influence our leaders to do God’s will. Remember, one of Brigham’s concerns about us acting as if all our leaders decisions were divine is that it will “weaken the influence [we] could give to [our] leaders.”
What questions our church leaders will take to the Lord are impacted by our own openness to those things. In 1977 President Kimball expressed concern that if the Race-ban on priesthood was removed that there would be pushback from members in the American South and from some in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. When President Hinckley was asked in an interview about the Gender-ban on priesthood his response was that “there’s no agitation for it.” Until we better engage in our own history and understand how we got to where we are now it will be very difficult if not impossible for us as members to be prepared for the removal of the current gender-ban on priesthood.
Sometimes we might justify our own spiritual laziness by saying that while our leaders are fallible that God will never let them lead us astray, granting them a sort of functional infallibility. Nevermind that this was first said when my 3rd-great-grandpa President Woodruff was trying to convince members not to leave over the Manifesto. Nevermind that it means that we’re denying our leaders their agency by assuming that God removes their ability to make mistakes in their callings. Maybe some make such a statement more nuanced. Maybe they think that our leaders can make mistakes, but they won’t be majosignificant mistakes. Well, what is and isn’t significant depends a lot on who you are and how you’re being affected by it. I’m thinking that the women and children who were slaughtered in prophet-sanctioned genocide in the Bible considered that a significant mistake. I’m thinking that the thousands denied temple blessings their entire lives because of the color of their skin might consider that significant.
Let’s just recognize that few are chosen and that we need to give our leaders constructive/interactive support. We place a lot of responsibility on our leaders and they are very likely to make mistakes. Because they are human and doing their best, but as humans we all err from time to time. Recognizing the mistakes of our leaders is essential to giving them true support; it is vital to sustaining them. I would hope that we would avoid enabling or cheerleading bad decisions that friends or family are about to make. Pointing out why a decision will be or was problematic is what we expect of people who we truly love and support us, because it helps us to avoid pain and pitfalls and enables us to be our best.
Here’s a story from our little section of Salt Lake City in which members recognized the potential for mistakes and took ownership of our church. On August 23rd, 1896 Stake President Angus M. Cannon proposed a man to be the bishop of a new ward which was to be divided from the Sugar House Ward. The congregation voted against the proposed new bishop. President Angus M. Cannon then purportedly shouted "Sit down! and shut your mouths, you have no right to speak!" When Cannon engaged in a shouting match with the dissenting congregation, a ward member and policeman threatened to arrest the stake president for disturbing the peace. President Cannon more calmly repeated his attempt but was voted down "again several times." The Secretary of the First Council of the Seventy was in attendance and wrote in his journal: "I have been taught that the appointing power comes from the priesthood and the sustaining power from the people and that they have the right of sustaining or not sustaining appointees.
When it comes to being actively engaged in church endeavors our neighborhood and the general Sugar House area has done a lot. The "stake missionary program" began in the Granite Stake under President Frank Taylor in the early 1900s. It was an idea presented to President Taylor who then prayerfully considered trying it out as a stake. It proved successful and was later picked up by the General Authorities who made it a church-wide program.
The seminary program was also started in our stake after Joseph Merrill (a newly called member of the Granite Stake Presidency) felt inspired to start it and worked out agreements with the school board and got it going at the very new (at the time) Granite High School.
Also, in 1909 the Granite Stake started a monthly family home evening program. After counseling with many sisters and brothers in the stake, the Stake Presidency asked each family to spend Tuesday evening home together. All of these were local things which were eventually picked up and run at the church-wide level. We have a history in our area of being anxiously engaged and pioneering with new ideas.
While those are all instances of members, wards, and stakes starting programs for good causes in our area of Salt Lake City, they are just a few examples of Saints starting inspired efforts which were eventually accepted and promoted by the top church leaders. The relief society started when women in Nauvoo came together to do some good. The Primary program, Sunday school, Mutual Improvement Association, welfare/farming, organized genealogy efforts, and Young Adult programs all also started as members and local leaders were anxiously engaged and thereby gave influence to the top church leaders.
So as we consider how we can more actively engage in the church and look at what we can do now that would help to further the kingdom of God, I’d like to share a few things that have been on my mind which I feel would be steps which we can do now and which doesn’t require any new doctrines, revelations, or organizational adjustments from our leadership.

1. Give leaders their agency and remove the false idol of functional infallibility

I’ve already said a lot about this. The only thing I’ll add is to encourage everyone to read and learn about our history. The church history department has been putting out a lot of new, well-researched material, and there is a very high chance that it will be different than how you learned about things over the last several decades. Interestingly, most historically thorny topics become vastly easier to deal with when we stop denying leaders agency and ability to get things wrong.

1. Stop turning into a time capsule of the 1950s

This is really a small thing, but sometimes small things can have an outsized impact. Assuming someone comes into church for the first time, they will likely be a little weirded out because in dress and culture they walked into a time capsule of the 1950s. The Amish did this with mid-1800s, some Mennonites have as well. FLDS have with when they split in the 1930s/40s. These groups that have followed this pattern of freezing time and culture because they have been integrated into their religious practice are generally ones that are not really growing and have little-to-no impact or relevance in society. If we want to do the most good and build the most bridges, it is easier to do if we don’t continue falling into this pattern. Any efforts on our part to make our meetings look like a place that people in the public could come into and not feel out of place are steps in this direction. Dresses, suits and ties aren’t part of Christ’s gospel. Missionary clothing is changing for similar reasons. New guidelines for missionaries include allowing sisters to wear pants and Elders to go without jackets, so surely we can extend the same to our church attendance.

1. Always speak at church as though the audience is the general public

I have many times felt like I didn’t fit in or belong at church, and many times this has been because people speaking at church have done so with the assumption that everyone in the building must share their views on a given topic. Simply imagining that a gay couple, an ex-mormon, an investigator, some in the midst of a faith crisis, and others who live in our neighborhood are in the audience will help us to make sure that as we teach our lessons, give our talks, etc. that we will do so in the most open and welcoming way possible, which frankly is how i believe Jesus would have spoken. I truly believe that if we try to do this it will drastically improve our lessons and dialogue and help to make church a place that more people want to be. It is a change that (to borrow imagery from Jesus’s parable of the sower) will be akin to tilling and prepping the soil to improve the likelihood of allowing seeds to take root.
There are near infinite ways that we can innovate and get engaged in good causes. Awake and arise, join in the cause of Zion. The aspiration of Zion is to be of one heart and one mind and have no poor among us. I think it is worth noting that being of one mind doesn’t mean agreeing on everything. It means that we are united in love; love for God and for all persons. When this is our top priority, when we worry about how our actions impact others and whether our words and actions are conveying love, we become united. I’ve been a long-time fan of Eugene England’s essay “The church is as true as the gospel.” In it he makes the case that the church is true because it is a vehicle in which we are able to actually try to put the gospel into practice. In doing so we encounter difficulties as we interact with other fallible mortals and try to navigate our interactions in a Christ-like way. We all try and this mix of imperfect people who unite in love and service can help to bring each other and others to Christ. It is my prayer that we can find ways to engage with love, and humble ourselves like little children, to change our ways as needed to come closer to Christ. I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Hi reddit, my 12 year old schnauzer has been going through some sudden health issues that seem to be worsening than it started and I would appreciate if I could get some feedback on making further decisions.
Two weeks ago, he had black diarrhea so I took him to the vet. Upon examinations, his liver rates were too high, so they prescribed Zentonil, Metronidazole and a GI paste to try out for a month. Since the visit to the vet, he has not been eating at all. This included everything but water; until about a week ago, water included. He doesn't even look at his favourite snack, I tried blending meat or rice into a soup, Hill's prepared foods, bone broth, making the kibbles softer, giving little portions on my hands-everything. For the first week, since the last two medications needed to be eaten with/after food, I spooned puree into his throat with the pill. I think the pills stopped the diarrhea but since then, he would puke everything that went in, even in small portions. Soon after I saw the yellow stomach bile being vomited I stopped force feeding entirely. Since then, no puking. However, this means he has no source of nutrition which lead to his drastic weight loss. He is usually 8.5kg. At the vet, he was 7.4kg. This morning, I weighed him, he was 6.2kg. He seriously can't even walk anymore but keeps his eye wide open the whole time. He breathes really hard. His hind leg shivers. The Metronidazole and GI paste finished in a little over a week, and just about then was when he stopped puking because I stopped force feeding; I also stopped the Zentonil as well. I have a month's supply of Zentonil and the vet told me to try for a month but his serious appetite loss is concerning me and I don't know what to do.
I called the vet about a week ago about his appetite issue and they said they can either give him an IV drop that will probably just last a few hours; or to do an ultrasound (but they don't know what they're looking for so it could come out clean). My boy had a half-year long visit due to a neurology-related issue, only after spending 6k and numerous exams the specialist told me that his symptoms are gone so there's no need to do anything. I was happy to see that he was feeling better, but I just don't want this to be something that will make me toss him around to different specialists only to give him more pain. Should I go to my vet and proceed with an ultrasound or is there anything else I can do? I am really concerned.

• Species: Canine
• Age: 12
• Sex/Neuter status: Neutered
• Breed: Schnauzer
• Body weight: 6.2kg
• History: See above
• Clinical signs: Severe weight loss, no appetite, heavy breathing, hind leg shivering intermittently
• Duration: 1-2 week
• Your general location: Canada

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Hey ladies! I used to exercise regularly all types of ways. Running, hiking, backpacking, HIIT, and lifting. I was fairly active before the pain became so bad that I couldn’t do anything regularly. I’m 7wpo and I’m cleared for light exercise. I’ve been walking some but it’s currently so hot that it makes me too tired and I’m so tired in general from starting back in the office I don’t feel like I have the energy to workout. I really want to get back at it though.
For those who didn’t workout regularly before their surgery, when did you feel like you had the energy to start working out? Is anyone else in a similar situation as I am? Hoeing to become active again soon? I really hope by 12 weeks I feel like I have enough energy to at least start walking regularly and lifting again. Is this a realistic goal? I know everyone is different.

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/HFY/comments/1cxj7h8/comment/l52vtd5/?context=3
*****

The Palatini of Orias journey took nine grueling days of traveling down the peaks of Torness Mountain Range. But at long last, they reached the Coralus Valley. While the temperature was far below what the half-elf usually enjoyed, it was far better than the mountain peaks.
They traveled through the valley, trying to avoid the multiple hostiles, villages, and anyone else who could tip off their enemies. They had to take every tedious path imaginable to prevent possible contact with the enemy.
Staring at their destination, Fraeya Holiadon could not decide if she should be thrilled or distorted at the sight. "Is this the place?"
"I believe so," Raegel said. "The pattern of the structures matches my drawings and the map. See the remains of the two walls?"
"And the stone rings that direct out," Henness said.
"So, you have read the legends," Raegel said, surprised by the centurion's knowledge of the temple.
"I always prepare before a mission," Henness said. "Those half rings, are they stone or artificial?"
"They look like stone, so I think they used the ground stone and molded them," Raegel said.
Fraeya Holiadon carefully stared at the temple ruins. All she could see was the destruction—fractured stone buildings, walls, weed-infested stone pavement, and so on. While there were still many stone structures, most were destroyed. She could only see death, not the walls her father could see.
She turned to ask her father what he was talking about but saw Centurion Fionntan Henness pointing toward the walls and other details.
Watching the two communicate about the features of the temple, she realized how out of depth she was. Her father spent generations studying ruins like this, while Henness is an experienced soldier. For Fraeya, this was her first mission outside the academy supervision, and she realized how different the world was compared to the classroom.
As the two spoke, her elf ears overheard Henness mention that he saw green webbing. As the two men debated what creatures could create that webbing, she already knew based on the type of webbing. Being an excellent student, she recalled the topic regarding intelligent monsters. While many species produce a web, only one creates a thick green. Goblins.
"Father," Fraeya said. "I think goblins made those webbings."
"How could you possibly know that?" Henness asked, unconvinced by the theory. "It would easily be Rorgo or a Kipt."
Fraeya reached into her backpack and pulled out her notepad. She flipped through the pages and responded, "Kipt is more silk-like, while Rorgo is more for capturing prey. Both are white. Only Goblins make green."
"She is correct," Raegel said. "The green should have been a given."
"Alright," Henness said. "That complicates things."
"How so?" Fraeya asked. "The academy said they are weak. Adventures and local militia kill them constantly, so your men should be able to wipe them out with your weaponry easily."
"Goblins are weak in small numbers, but they are a nightmare in large numbers," Henness said. "And depending on the horde, they adapt to who their enemies are quickly. For all I know, we could be fighting a nest that is as heavily armed as we are."
Fraeya looked back toward the next with much confusion. She knew about the goblin's ability to adapt. However, her teachers never stated how formal they could be. Only treating them as barbarians is a functional civilization. "I would think the academy would mention something like that."
"If you are going to be out here in the world, you must understand that life is very different from the classroom," Henness said. "The difference between someone who lives behind a desk versus someone on the ground. Now, I need to get my forces ready for our attack."
Once the centurion left, Fraeya looked at her father. "I am starting to get the impression that my schooling wasn't as truthful as I once thought."
Raegel chuckled at the statement from his daughter. "That is what I said when I left my academy in Thali'ean," he said with a short chuckle before he spoke. "Henness was correct; there is a large gap between the classroom and out here in the world."
"I see. So, now, what do we do?"
"We wait for the legionaries to form a plan. Because time is not on our side, he will want you to assist with your magic. Do you think you can assist? If you are uncomfortable, tell me now, and you can stay here where it is safe."
Feeling a nervous chill creeping down her spine, she looked back toward the temple and breathed heavily. "I admit, I am scared, but I didn't come here to babysit the camp. I want to help."
She felt her father pat her on the back, feeling a sense of pride from his touch.
"That's my daughter."
After an hour of planning, the Palatini of Orias began their assault on the temple ruins. The plan was for a primary team to assault the temple directly, triggering a response from the goblin. The second team would remain on the high ground and pick off the horde.
Fraeya ended up on the right side of the group team. To her surprise, many soldiers were thrilled that they were finally getting into a fight. She wondered, after two weeks of crawling over the mountains and hiding like rodents, they finally got a chance to be soldiers.
The primary assault group she was attached to advance toward the temple once the signal was given. Passing one of the few remaining wall structures, they entered the temple ground. As they swept through the old temple's front sections, the goblins huddled around a fire pit, noticed them, and prepared for battle.
Three legionaries known as circilmen, from the palatini positioned themselves to engage the incoming enemy. Carrying a ranged projectile weapon known as a circiletum, they hid behind the front shield men and fired upon the incoming enemy. They picked off two of the three goblins as the last one quickly crawled under a piece of rubble for cover. Then, the palatini heard a painful screech from the hiding goblin.
Fraeya couldn't help herself but stand there noticing the two fresh corpses. She then watched as two of the swordsmen rushed to the hiding goblin. They reached in and pulled the little green monster out of its hiding spot.
Two swordsmen grabbed the goblin and dragged it from its cover, it jumped on top of one of the legionaries, stabbing its blade into its armor, unable to break through. With a short struggle, the legionary could slam the goblin onto the ground. The other legionary stomped on the body before thrusting his gladius into the monster.
Hearing another screech, Fraeya looked down the stone path and saw goblins popping out of every crack and corner.
One of the legionary officers ordered the unit to reform. The swordsmen took the front with their large scutum shields, creating a two-line protective shield wall. Behind them were the circilmen, taking cover behind the scutum.
The group of goblins charged forward. As they approached, the legionaries saw the raw, starving rage within their dark green eyes—a thirst for primal instincts of food and lust and nothing else.
"Fraeya, is it?"
Hearing her name, she turned to the commanding offer of this group.
"When I give the order, shake the ground." The lower-ranking Centurian said.
Fraeya acknowledged the order as she understood what he was planning.
Turning back to the incoming horde, she watched the three circilmen open fire. The circiletums cut down the forward group of goblins. The ones behind that row suddenly stopped from the shock but were cut down by a second volley.
"Now. Before they scatter."
Fraeya placed her hands together and chanted. The two tiny mana crystals on her gloves blew green as she felt a raw energy channel through her body. A moment later, that glow expanded to the point that it encompassed her hand.
Channeling the mana needed for the spell, Fraeya placed her left hand on the ground.
The stone ground beneath them shook the stone terra, stunning the goblins. Right down the center, cracks formed, and the terra broke apart. The road slightly uplifted into an elevation, forcing the goblins to focus on what was happening.
With the ground disinformed, it prevented the enemy from scattering in an organized manner, allowing the circilmen to fire another volley.
The front scutum marched forward and started cutting down anything that moved. The other line split into two groups. They were marching down the street in an almost synchronized manner. They held their shields high toward the ruins, protecting the circilmen from any incoming projectile. Arrows and magic.
Fireballs flew and impacted the scutum infantry, protecting the flanks. Some of the shields glowed from the impact. The flames engulfed one of the men's arms, and he started to scream from the pain.
The circilmen returned fire, and a firefight began. The sound of their weapons crackled throughout the surrounding area, amplified by the ruined walls. Above the sound of battle were the voices and cries of the wounded—the circiletum that were deployed on the ridge above rained fire from the suppressive team.
The Palatini of Orias pushed deeper into the temple ground as the battle continued. That was until the town began to be consumed by this thick haze, providing cover for the goblins, and restricting visibility for the Lat forces. While not educated to the standards of civilized races, Goblins were not stupid.
"It is a haze," Fraeya said. "They must have a mage somewhere within the nest."
Centurion Fionntan Henness approached their forces and began to regroup. "Can you counter it?"
"No," Fraeya replied. "I never studied Aeromancy magic."
"Nebulo," Henness said. "Our armor and weapons will be less effective."
Fraeya understood his concern. From what she recalled from her classes; goblins have sharp senses. Based on the density of the haze, it was clear even to her that they were planning to force them to huddle and expose themselves to be surrounded, making their ranged weapons worthless.
"We will just have to work around it," Raegel said.
As Frayea prepared herself, she felt a strange feeling throughout her body, almost like some field affecting her body. She saw a female legionary in light armor and a cloak checking over the wounded. One of the few women in the legionary, she could tell she was the unit healer specializing in Sanamancy magic. The women must have placed a barrier to help protect against any poisonous gasses lying within the haze.
Orias advanced through the haze; this forced the soldiers to clump together for safety. As the assault group progressed, they were hit non-stop by the goblin's arrow fire, spears, and fire shots from sling guns. Most of these projectiles caused minor damage thanks to the heavy armor legionary’s wear. However, this did not remove the damage as it brought discomfort and limited their progression to a crawl.
Barely noticing two figures on top of a rooftop through the haze, who were firing slingshots toward their position, she pointed her hand toward a piece of rubble and, with her magic, lifted the debris and projected it through the haze. The rubble temporarily formed a gap in the haze that increased the line-of-sight.
She then called out to the fire battle mage within the unit. The mage realized what was happening and fired multiple firebolts toward the tower. Five bolts impacted the building from different directions, engulfing the structure in flames. Everyone could hear the faint sound of goblins screaming as the building burnt.
With the tower collapsing suddenly, arrows rained through the thick haze, hitting the legionaries in retaliation. While most arrows bounced off the armor, some found exposed spots. Two more legionaries fell to their knees, with one vomiting blood, forcing the healed to focus on the sick over protecting the group.
It became clear that the goblins changed their tactics and poisoned their arrows. While worthless against armor, they could still puncture the underneath clothing and scrap any exposed part of the skin.
A luperca legionnaire picked up an old broken wagon and used it as a shield to protect. With the cover, the lower ranking commanders directed the circilmen to pick off any goblins that peaked above the surface.
Combined with the haze and change of tactic, this formed a strange stalemate between the two sides. The Orias was forced into a defensive; they were well equipped to deal with any goblins who dared to get within melee range. However, the goblins had surrounded and had the range advance as they could see through the haze, allowing them to snipe any legionary who adventured far from the group.
Fraeya saw a blob of acid impact a swordsmen's scutum. The scutum started being consumed by the spell, slowly falling into pieces. The man screamed as he felt his arm burn, desperately untieing the strappings to ditch the heavy shield.
"We need to kill their shaman before we are picked off," Raegel said.
"I agreed," Henness replied. "As long as this haze is here, my suppressive team is useless."
"If I recall," Fraeya said. "A Shaman should be nearby. Someone close enough to maintain this haze and give commands but not put themselves in danger."
"Then I know where it should be," Henness said. "Let's go half-elf."
She felt her ears perk up once she realized the centurion was talking about her. She looked toward her father and saw the 'it is time to prove yourself' look. Taking a deep breath and preparing herself, she gathered behind Henness and six of his men.
The assault unit left the main one and adventurer deeper into the temple grounds. As they reached what remained of an intersection, goblins stormed out of the stone buildings to ambush the legionaries.
With their disciplined reaction, the legionaries immediately adjusted their formation and sliced down the attackers. Henness stood at the center, holding his sword out as flames wrapped around the blade.
As the goblins attacked the swordsmen, Fraeya broke apart the ground on the right flank, knocking many goblins. The one that fell, she entangled them by summoning vines - which trapped the goblins and pulled them into the ground until their death or burial.
She then turned and lifted parts of the ground on the left flank, blocking some of the goblins. This prevented the legionaries from being encircled.
"Reform," Henness ordered. "We need to advance quickly. Stay close."
Once the path was clear, the unit moved toward the building where the goblins had fortified. Henness moved in front of her to provide protection. He held up his shield, deflecting arrows.
"Stay behind me," Henness said.
While not being a military woman, Fraeya quickly learned to accept the chain of command on this quest. On the battlefield, her father told her to listen to Henness as he was a man of war. She realized that the structure and safety of the city and the academy are vastly different in the countryside. Getting behind him, she followed him close behind as he pushed forward, arrows striking his shield, allowing her to get in range for her spell.
The legionaries stopped engaging the incoming goblins, allowing their centurion and the young mage to get closer. Henness reached around his scutum and pressed the amulet attached to the outer shell's center. Once pressed, the large shield briefly glowed before darkening, returning to the standard red with white lining design.
Up ahead, Fraeya saw in full display of the nest. Spikes, fortification, and green webbing filled the gaps between the ruined structures. Skeletons and decomposing bodies littered the areas of their past victims. The goblins were standing in the bunker sections, preparing for battle. With how heavily guarded it was, she concluded that this must be where the Shaman was.
"Fraeya, now!"
Fraeya moved around the man to cast her spell. With a quick chant, her hands glowed green again. As she channeled her mana, an acid attack impacted Henness' scutum. While the added hardening enchantment from the amulet increased the scutum resistance, the acid slowly ate through the large shield.
Stepping from cover, Fraeya aimed her hands at the nest. The ground trembled a little as the front of the nest collapsed on itself from the summoned sinkhole.
With the front entrance open, Fraeya saw the Shaman in plain view—a female, being one of the few within a goblin nest. The Shama looked scared as she looked around where to hide.
Fraeya did not give it time as she cast a spell that created a spike from the ground below the Shaman and pierced straight through the vicious monster, killing it instantly.
As the Shaman staff hit the ground, the haze started to disappear.
Believing that her work was complete after killing the goblin leader, her ears quickly heard footsteps surrounding them.
Noticing that the goblins were about to swarm their position, she took cover behind Henness to protect his rear. She took a deep breath as she felt exhausted from the battle and cast so many spells quickly.
Starting at five goblins that emerged from the ruins, Fraeya watched as they charged toward them. Before they got close, however, each one was sniped from the ridge-side suppressive team.
With a moment of confusion, she stared toward the cliffside and saw the suppressive team. Now that the haze is disappearing, they could snipe off the remaining goblins from their elevation position.
"Good job, half-elf," Henness said, slowly stepping back with a shield aimed at the flames, guiding Fraeya back.
"Stop calling me half-elf," Fraeya yelled. "I am out here risking my life with the rest of you, and don't give me that war is a male-domain thing! I am willing to see this through. Most of my kind would stay home and let you fight, so why do you keep degrading me?"
"Because ideals get people killed," Fionntan Henness replied. "Out here, you must earn that respect within the brotherhood of warriors, especially if you are used to living inside the city walls. People with a self-protected mindset usually end up as food for the worms or get my soldiers killed because they do not understand what it takes to survive."
The centurion then turned to the destroyed nest. "I will say, though, what you did here. It is a good first step for a half-elf." He then turned to give her an approving smile.
Not understanding the humor from the Lat, Fraeya accepted it. From her experience, Lats always had a strange sense of humor. Insults are sometimes seen as compliments while praising could be considered offensive. Saying one thing but meaning another is a common trait for them.
With the remaining palatini coming after clearing the remaining goblins, Fraeya saw her father. She rushed over and hugged him and teared up.
"You did good, my dear," Raegel said as he patted her.
"Is this really what it is like out here?" Fraeya asked.
"Sadly, it is," Fraeya replied. "That is why I never brought you around on my digs."
"I am sorry to interrupt," Henness said. "We are on borrowed time, so can we get at it?"
Fraeya looked toward the centurion with frustration as she wanted a moment with her father. After taking a deep breath, she realized that he was right.
After finishing her hug, she brushed off the goblin's blood and clothing.
"Then we better begin searching for what we came for," Raegel said as he reached for his bag. She watched as he pulled out a perfectly smoothed, pure black orb. By itself, it didn't look impressive. She had seen hundreds of these orbs at the academy or the many workshops within the city.
Raegel held the orb in one hand and activated it with his mana. The orb glowed light blue and fainted, barely emitting any energy. He then took it against the mountain and began scanning.
Not wanting to miss anything, Fraeya quickly pulled out her journal, skipping past all her notes until she reached a blank page. She then began documenting everything her father did, taking in every world and detail.
The palatini began walking through the ruins, heading toward the mountain wall. Raegel explained in his research that the temple extended inside the mountain, like a dwarf borrian. While others who came before him came up with this theory, they were still looking for a way to detect the hidden door markings and find it.
Raegel moved down the side of the mountain, holding the orb high.
"Why are you not using a door-detecting amulet?" Fraeya asked.
"Because people have been using that for generations and found nothing here," Raegel replied.
After a reasonable amount of time when nothing had happened, Fraeya began to wonder if everything was for nothing. Seeing the lack of progress, Henness inquired if the orb failed to work. As Raegel replied, the orb suddenly blimped orange for a moment.
Witnessing the sudden change, the group backed away as they did not know how to respond to the sudden glow.
Noticing a renewed excitement from her father, she followed him closely as they investigated the mountainside.
As they searched, her father noticed that the faint blue glow from the orb had changed to orange. It then disappeared and slowly appeared, like it was slowly pulsing. When they continued walking forward, the pulsing light increased in speed.
"I think it is directing us, father," Fraeya said.
"Possible," Raegel said. "There must be some type of link."
The palatini followed the direction the orb gave. As the group approached a mountainside wall, the pulse frequency increased until it looked like the orb glowed a solid color.
"I think we found it," Raegel said. He lifted the orb toward the wall.
As the orb drew closer to the mountainside, these blue lines appeared all over the rocky wall. The rough chips of rock melted away and turned smooth as the light traveled through the grooves, slowly creating what looked like a giant door of light.
Once the bright lights finished designing a massive door, Fraeya placed her hand on the wall, shocked at how the natural bulky rocks turned into a marble-like wall.
"I would step aside, Fraeya," Raegel said.
As Fraeya stepped backward, she watched her father open the door with a magical spell. Like most magical doors, the door brightened as she expected it would fold into the mountain. To her surprise, the door didn't fold away but melted into the ground.
"What happened to the door?" Fraeya asked.
Raegal placed his hand on his chin. "It seemed that the wall was not solid but some liquid matter. These people are impressive."
The wall began to shake as dusk from the cracks spread through the area.
A large opening formed as the door walls folded into the mountainside. A passage leading deeper into the mountain. The walls were black and smooth, while the floor had these textiles in perfect order, leading deeper into the mountain.
"This has to be a dwarven design," Fraeya commented. "Only they could do something like this."
"I'm not sure," Raegel said. "This is not a design I have seen from dwarves."
Fraeya understood what her father meant. Dwarven doors into the mountains took a lot of work to find. While there were many designs of such hidden doors and the means to open them, it was doubtful that anyone had ever seen a secret magical door like this before.
Raegel started to walk into the chamber but was suddenly stopped by Henness. Stating that he wanted his men to go first to ensure no trap, three legionaries moved through the large chamber. Once they gave the clear, the rest of the group entered.
While walking, Fraeya stayed close to her father as she took notes. The soldiers ahead of them set up torches to add more light. To her surprise, the walls and floor were smooth. The air was stale, probably trapped within this chamber for centuries.
As they walked inside, the room lit up. Everyone stopped as they looked toward the end of the hall. The chamber was empty, with only a strange-looking platform at the very end. Noticing that the orb was pointing toward the platform, they approached it.
"Is this it?" Henness asked. "It does not look that impressive."
"Not everything is based on size, centurion," Raegel replied, to which his daughter giggled.
Fraeya then analyzed the platform. It was smooth, almost marble-like. However, she doubted whether it was marble. The fundamental details that she noticed were a strange-looking blue crystal at the center of the platform and another in a hole on the side.
"This is interesting," Fraeya commented. The design looked surprisingly simple. This orb must act as some command orb for this device. They must be communicating in some manner."
"Assuming that the legend was true, the orcs were the ones who summoned the lats from Altaerrie," Fraeya said. "Maybe, when this place was lost of that time, it was never turned off. Being left in a state of slumber, waiting to be reawakened."
"Possible. It would explain why the orb directed us here. The orange pulse is now pointing down at a rapid pace."
"I think it goes into that hole, father," Fraeya said. "From what I can tell, the crystal in there connects to the one on top of the platform."
"I see," Raegel said. "The pulse is pointing toward it too. I recommend that everyone step back."
"Be careful, father," Fraeya said.
Stepping back from the platform, Fraeya watched as her father placed the orb into the hole. This was the moment her father had been talking about for decades, and it had finally come true. The Bridge between two worlds had finally been discovered.
As Raegel placed the orb into the platform, it glowed orange in a solid state, no longer pulsing. The blue crystal in the middle of the platform slowly lit up, like it was waking up after a long sleep.
The air suddenly chilled as the air flowed toward the platform. A bright light beamed out of the crystal and slowly faded away, leaving a light as if on standby.
To their dismay, the orb changed to red, dimming and brightening in a slow, tired pattern.
"What is it doing, father?" Fraeya asked.
"I have no idea," Raegel replied. "It must be waiting for something."

Took me awhile to write this. I joined this group when my grandmother was diagnosed for tips and support. We were able to care for her the entire time thanks to my Aunt and eventually my dad stepping in. We lost her 2/26 and I was able to design her funeral program and create the slideshow and puzzles (thanks for supporting my multiple talents granny).
I just want to say thank you to the people here because this community helps a lot. Reading that people were going through similar situations, the good and bad times helped me a lot when support from other family members wasn’t there.
To everyone caring for someone with Alzheimer’s I pray for your family and your strength to endure and see it out to the end. I’ll be doing my first Alzheimer’s walk to honor her and as long as I’m healthy I’ll continue every year going forward.
Although the days haven’t been easy I have peace knowing the pain and confusion are gone but I do miss my baby. The only advice I have is to take as many photos and videos as possible, and to have as much fun with them as you can. Today has been one of those emotional days and I just needed a spot to vent and give thanks.
Stay blessed

Tom took another look at the dwindling encampment as his dismay began to fade away. "Whoever's left to hang out with are the most committed to the cause" he thought to himself. "If anything, I'll have more fun than I did before." And after all, they had a good lineup of activists scheduled to visit in the next few days, and an anarchist band had even agreed to play this afternoon. He had definitely noticed a rapid drop in the number of campers since the end of the semester, and had even begun to doubt that they would be able to get any sort of concessions out of the university. But his thinking had changed after hearing the speeches that morning.
First to speak was Tom's friend and comrade, Eric. His impassioned indictment of the Israeli government reminded Tom of the importance of their activism. Then came the married grad students, the Trotskyist Abdou and the pan-Arabist Farida. They were international students studying English and anthropology, respectively. Or was it anthropology and sociology? Abdou lectured on the university's connection to the military-industrial complex. His speech was filled with threats to the administration that Tom was sure the limp-dicked Trot had no means of fulfilling. Even so, he had to admit that despite all his other inadequacies, Abdou was a powerful speaker. Finally came Farida. Tom had always considered her the best speaker of them all, but frankly he had a hard time taking his eyes off her whether she was speaking or not. He had tried flirting with her before, and he got the feeling that Abdou was even more into it than she was. Thinking about it now, he couldn't quite remember what her speech had been about, but it had certainly improved his spirits.
As the "Bacon Brigade" began setting up their instruments, Tom decided to make a point of dancing with Farida that afternoon. As the average tent now held two campers rather than five, he even thought he might get a chance to enjoy some of the newfound privacy.
...
When there was a break in the music, Tom sauntered over to the table where Abdou was sitting. As an ML, Tom could hardly stand Trotskyists, but he put on a smile for the sake of "left unity."
"She's a good dancer isn't she?" said Abdou.
"Oh yes, the best," agreed Tom. He was trying to think of a way of progressing his slow seduction of this Muslim woman and decided to be bold. "Look Abdou, the band will be winding down soon, why don't you both come back to my tent and I'll show you some comradely hospitality. I also have some suggestions that I know you'll love."
Abdou's mind was racing with the possibilities of the situation. Would this be the chance to see his wife seduced and taken by this big stud? Supposing Farida won't agree? Before he could engage his brain Abdou found himself agreeing to Tom's offer. "Wonderful, wonderful," beamed Tom and he could feel his big cock twitch at the thought of bedding Abdou's beautiful wife.
Just then Farida reappeared. "What are you two talking about?" she said.
Before Abdou could say a word, Tom said "Well my dear, your husband has kindly accepted my invitation of hospitality at my tent."
Farida didn't know what to say. She had thought Abdou would whisk her off back to the hotel and give her the fucking she desperately needed. Rubbing up against Tom's manhood had taken its toll. "Well I suppose we could come and see where you camp," she said, "but we mustn't stay too late must we Abdou?"
"What? I err no, I suppose not," stammered Abdou as Tom rose and offered Farida his arm.
And the three of them found themselves heading off to tent where the lives of Abdou and Farida would be changed forever. As they walked along Abdou held one of Farida's arms and Tom the other. However, after a while Abdou consciously let go of his wife's arm and stepped behind Tom.
This was not lost on the big white and he put his big protective arm around Abdou's wife as if to say to everyone "she's mine." If Farida hadn't been so dazed by the afternoon's events, she might have noticed various other white students smiling at Tom with knowing grins. They had recognized the situation immediately; a Muslim couple with cuckold husband following on as a big powerful white man led the wife to his cot.
Soon they reached Tom's tent and both Abdou and Farida were pleasantly surprised at how spacious it was. "Let me get you some coffee," said Tom as both Abdou and Farida collapsed onto a big sleeping bag.
Having sorted the drinks, Tom put some music on, and crawling over to Farida he said, "Can we have another dance Farida, you're such a good dancer?"
Before Farida could answer she felt her husband pushing her up. "Go on Farida, you know how much you enjoy it."
Abdou secretly wanted to see his wife in the arms of this Adonis again and who knows maybe more. Having no real reason to object, Farida agreed and as she accepted Toms hand she couldn't help but feel a shiver at the thought of being reacquainted with his penis, albeit covered by his trousers. However, as they left the tent she had a suspicion that he wasn't wearing any under garments since his penis had seemed so clearly outlined earlier.
As he clasped her to himself Tom could feel his big cock twitch once again. He moved one hand down to the small of her back, just to test the waters and meeting no resistance after another minute or so he moved his hand onto her sexy bottom. He could feel through the thin dress that Farida wasn't wearing thick pants, or perhaps only very skimpy ones and he couldn't wait to see her naked.
Farida felt lost in a different world as she circled round with this big man. Not only could she feel his penis growing hard against her once more, but she felt his big hand on her bottom pulling her onto his hardness. When she looked at her husband (still sitting in the tent), she noticed that he was just rubbing his own penis through his trousers. "My goodness," she thought, "he's getting turned on watching us. Supposing I flirt a bit more and show him what he's missing?"
With that Farida deliberately started to open her legs and let Tom's muscular leg rub against her inflamed sex.
This change in Farida's demeanor was not lost on Tom. As he led her back to the tent, he let his hands roam all over the back of this sexy hijabi Muslim wife and he leaned down to kiss and nibble her neck and ears. He heard Farida sigh and knew that he was close to capturing this sexy wife. "Fatima, let's give Abdou a show to remember shall we?"
Farida was brought back from her dreamlike state by Tom's question. "What do you mean?" she asked.
Almost in a whisper Tom said, "You know, a bit of thesis-antithesis-synthesis."
He had already found the zipper that ran down the back of Farida's dress and he had it in his hands as he spoke to her. He slowly started to pull the zipper down and it was half way down her back before Farida realised what was happening. "Wait Tom, we can't do this, I'm married."
"So what of it, Abdou wants me to undress you, don't you Abdou?"
Abdou had no hesitation in replying in the affirmative. This is what he had wanted for so long.
Caught in the confusion and surprise of hearing her husband say that he wanted to see another man, undress her, Farida just lay there while Tom pulled the zipper right down and then eased the dress off her shoulders. Suddenly she realised that she was lying in only her stockings, garter belt, and thong panties.
As she looked up at Tom she saw something that she hadn't seen in a man for years and that was undisguised lust. This man was lusting after her, this married women! She should have felt ashamed at her feelings but she didn't. Having got half-naked, she realised that she was enjoying the attention of this muscular white man. In fact she decided to crawl around in front of him as if to say 'look at what my husband has and you haven't'.
This might have been a foolish act, but it merely served to confirm what both men knew. For Tom it confirmed that Farida was absolutely gorgeous, the sexiest Muslim woman he had ever seen and that she needed to be loved sexually. For Abdou as he fingered his painfully erect cock, he knew that he was just a few steps away from pushing his wife into a sleeping bag with another man. He was close to realizing his fantasy.
Tom pulled Farida to him, lifted her face to his and he kissed her. Farida would always remember that first kiss since it was both passionate but more significantly the precursor to her crossing a line that could not be re- crossed, and to setting in motion events that would last her and her husband a lifetime. She accepted his big tongue into her mouth and her tongue fenced with his. She could feel his big hands roaming all over body now.
In her trance-like state it seemed quite natural that Tom should start to remove his clothing. Both Farida and Abdou watched as the big man removed his shirt to reveal a hugely-muscled chest and then he dropped his trousers and just as Farida had suspected he wore no underwear. His big cock reared up in all is magnificence and Tom was gratified to hear both husband and wife express surprise at his size.
Tom crawled over to the sleeping bag where Farida was sitting and crouched in front of her, his big cock semi erect. He remembered that Eric had told him that the cops were closing in, and he knew he would have to move quickly if he wanted to finish before they cleared the encampment. Farida's head was at the same level as the big man's groin and she was amazed at the whole size and muscularity of this man. Her trance-like state was broken by Tom who said softly "Take my cock into your mouth."
Farida was aghast, "I can't! It's dirty and I've never done that before."
Tom laughed to himself. This wife was indeed naive and yet he was gratified that he would be the first man to have his cock sucked by her. Lifting her face so that she could look into his eyes, Tom said, "As we hear from German ideologists, Germany has in the last few years gone through an unparalleled revolution. The decomposition of the Hegelian philosophy, which began with Strauss, has developed into a universal ferment into which all the “powers of the past” are swept. In the general chaos mighty empires have arisen only to meet with immediate doom, heroes have emerged momentarily only to be hurled back into obscurity by bolder and stronger rivals. It was a revolution beside which the French Revolution was child’s play, a world struggle beside which the struggles of the Diadochi [successors of Alexander the Great] appear insignificant. Principles ousted one another, heroes of the mind overthrew each other with unheard-of rapidity, and in the three years 1842-45 more of the past was swept away in Germany than at other times in three centuries.
"All this is supposed to have taken place in the realm of pure thought.
"Certainly it is an interesting event we are dealing with: the putrescence of the absolute spirit. When the last spark of its life had failed, the various components of this caput mortuum began to decompose, entered into new combinations and formed new substances. The industrialists of philosophy, who till then had lived on the exploitation of the absolute spirit, now seized upon the new combinations. Each with all possible zeal set about retailing his apportioned share. This naturally gave rise to competition, which, to start with, was carried on in moderately staid bourgeois fashion. Later when the German market was glutted, and the commodity in spite of all efforts found no response in the world market, the business was spoiled in the usual German manner by fabricated and fictitious production, deterioration in quality, adulteration of the raw materials, falsification of labels, fictitious purchases, bill-jobbing and a credit system devoid of any real basis. The competition turned into a bitter struggle, which is now being extolled and interpreted to us as a revolution of world significance, the begetter of the most prodigious results and achievements.
"If we wish to rate at its true value this philosophic charlatanry, which awakens even in the breast of the honest German citizen a glow of national pride, if we wish to bring out clearly the pettiness, the parochial narrowness of this whole Young-Hegelian movement and in particular the tragicomic contrast between the illusions of these heroes about their achievements and the actual achievements themselves, we must look at the whole spectacle from a standpoint beyond the frontiers of Germany.
"Ideology in General, German Ideology in Particular: German criticism has, right up to its latest efforts, never quitted the realm of philosophy. Far from examining its general philosophic premises, the whole body of its inquiries has actually sprung from the soil of a definite philosophical system, that of Hegel. Not only in their answers but in their very questions there was a mystification. This dependence on Hegel is the reason why not one of these modern critics has even attempted a comprehensive criticism of the Hegelian system, however much each professes to have advanced beyond Hegel. Their polemics against Hegel and against one another are confined to this – each extracts one side of the Hegelian system and turns this against the whole system as well as against the sides extracted by the others. To begin with they extracted pure unfalsified Hegelian categories such as “substance” and “self-consciousness,” later they desecrated these categories with more secular names such as species “the Unique,” “Man,” etc.
"The entire body of German philosophical criticism from Strauss to Stirner is confined to criticism of religious conceptions. [The following passage is crossed out in the manuscript:] claiming to be the absolute redeemer of the world from all evil. Religion was continually regarded and treated as the arch-enemy, as the ultimate cause of all relations repugnant to these philosophers. The critics started from real religion and actual theology. What religious consciousness and a religious conception really meant was determined variously as they went along. Their advance consisted in subsuming the allegedly dominant metaphysical, political, juridical, moral and other conceptions under the class of religious or theological conceptions; and similarly in pronouncing political, juridical, moral consciousness as religious or theological, and the political, juridical, moral man – “man” in the last resort – as religious. The dominance of religion was taken for granted. Gradually every dominant relationship was pronounced a religious relationship and transformed into a cult, a cult of law, a cult of the State, etc. On all sides it was only a question of dogmas and belief in dogmas. The world was sanctified to an ever-increasing extent till at last our venerable Saint Max was able to canonise it en bloc and thus dispose of it once for all.
"The Old Hegelians had comprehended everything as soon as it was reduced to an Hegelian logical category. The Young Hegelians criticised everything by attributing to it religious conceptions or by pronouncing it a theological matter. The Young Hegelians are in agreement with the Old Hegelians in their belief in the rule of religion, of concepts, of a universal principle in the existing world. Only, the one party attacks this dominion as usurpation, while the other extols it as legitimate.
"Since the Young Hegelians consider conceptions, thoughts, ideas, in fact all the products of consciousness, to which they attribute an independent existence, as the real chains of men (just as the Old Hegelians declared them the true bonds of human society) it is evident that the Young Hegelians have to fight only against these illusions of consciousness. Since, according to their fantasy, the relationships of men, all their doings, their chains and their limitations are products of their consciousness, the Young Hegelians logically put to men the moral postulate of exchanging their present consciousness for human, critical or egoistic consciousness, and thus of removing their limitations. This demand to change consciousness amounts to a demand to interpret reality in another way, i.e. to recognise it by means of another interpretation. The Young-Hegelian ideologists, in spite of their allegedly “world-shattering" statements, are the staunchest conservatives. The most recent of them have found the correct expression for their activity when they declare they are only fighting against “phrases.” They forget, however, that to these phrases they themselves are only opposing other phrases, and that they are in no way combating the real existing world when they are merely combating the phrases of this world. The only results which this philosophic criticism could achieve were a few (and at that thoroughly one-sided) elucidations of Christianity from the point of view of religious history; all the rest of their assertions are only further embellishments of their claim to have furnished, in these unimportant elucidations, discoveries of universal importance.
"It has not occurred to any one of these philosophers to inquire into the connection of German philosophy with German reality, the relation of their criticism to their own material surroundings.
"First Premises of Materialist Method: The premises from which we begin are not arbitrary ones, not dogmas, but real premises from which abstraction can only be made in the imagination. They are the real individuals, their activity and the material conditions under which they live, both those which they find already existing and those produced by their activity. These premises can thus be verified in a purely empirical way.
"The first premise of all human history is, of course, the existence of living human individuals. Thus the first fact to be established is the physical organisation of these individuals and their consequent relation to the rest of nature. Of course, we cannot here go either into the actual physical nature of man, or into the natural conditions in which man finds himself – geological, hydrographical, climatic and so on. The writing of history must always set out from these natural bases and their modification in the course of history through the action of men.
"Men can be distinguished from animals by consciousness, by religion or anything else you like. They themselves begin to distinguish themselves from animals as soon as they begin to produce their means of subsistence, a step which is conditioned by their physical organisation. By producing their means of subsistence men are indirectly producing their actual material life.
"The way in which men produce their means of subsistence depends first of all on the nature of the actual means of subsistence they find in existence and have to reproduce. This mode of production must not be considered simply as being the production of the physical existence of the individuals. Rather it is a definite form of activity of these individuals, a definite form of expressing their life, a definite mode of life on their part. As individuals express their life, so they are. What they are, therefore, coincides with their production, both with what they produce and with how they produce. The nature of individuals thus depends on the material conditions determining their production.
"This production only makes its appearance with the increase of population. In its turn this presupposes the intercourse [Verkehr] of individuals with one another. The form of this intercourse is again determined by production.
[continues in comment]

IT IS POSSIBLE! This is the first and most important fact to remind yourself consistently. There is no step by step plan for this. But there are things you need to know and study up on. Im going to go into some facts and get into what you can do to help yourself maneuver through life and out of the reality surrounding your life that is gangstalking….
*COVERT NARCISSISM- these aren’t your typical narcissistic people… they are harder to detect and utilize more dark manipulation tactics, like coercive control, manipulating you to try to play the wounded healer role, and playing the caring friend role, giving gifts (don’t except gifts! More on that later) “helping” you so they can act like you use them and take credit for good things that come in your life and your accomplishments. HOW TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUE? Research! YouTube, Ben Taylor’s channel called raw motivations, YouTube also has information about dark psychology manipulation tactics and I would really dig DEEP into that, recognize the tactics of dark psychology being utilized by the people you interact with in your day to day life and then proceed to cut them off! And when they try to act confused understand that it’s more manipulation. Covert narcissists LOVEEEE to use an internal podcasting system to play their group podcasts through your devices with multiple audio output so you can hear them talking shit while they watch you, this way they can call you crazy and make you look crazy to everyone. HOW DO YOU SOLVE THIS? block the people that you hear, on your accounts and cut them off completely, also raise your vibrational frequency and the voices will fade. They will send you texts that have t”ypos” that have a period in between two words instead of a space or just a period where it wouldn’t belong, it’s a hack link and you need to block them immediately and turn off your phone immediately after blocking them and cut them off and out of your life immediately, they are hacking you to know what your plans are so they can Sabotage you, along with watching you to later fuck with your head.
*UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOW IN SPIRITUAL WARFARE!!!!!! These people are in cults for the most part…. Look up the INEE handbook. These cults have different names because there’s more than one cult. Ouiinee is the one I dealt with personally. They use a language of context, which means they use code words for many things. “School” is what they call the humiliation ritual they do on a victim they have targeted, “teachers” are your handlers, they break you down to control you and try to teach you that conformity is your only option, “work” is their word for organized operations against you that they document record so they can make money off your suffering, by selling footage on dark web platforms. They will do black magic on you for energy harvesting and to create blockages…. Ever get a gift given to you and then you lose your job or something you love, or become more and more trapped? Pray to your Devine god, call your guardian angels ( YouTube “dark knight of the soul” and “spiritual warfare”) they also supercharge their technology with dark magic to make you hear their internal podcasting system down to the core of your soul, they will also attack you in your dreams, and you just have to get closer to the Devine. Don’t fear being alone, isolate yourself to research and reconstruct yourself to vibrate higher. What helped me know what they were doing was the tarot readers on YouTube. REMEMBER THAT THE DEMONIC SIDE DOES’T ATTACK SOMEONE THAT HAS NO LIGHT!!! IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY THAT COMES FROM THE DEVINE LIGHT EMBEDDED IN THE FABRIC OF YOUR SOUL, YOU AREN’T A THREAT AND YOU CANNOT BE OF USE EITHER!! You must listen to your intuition and develop your discernment, your gut feeling will always tell you something is not right, and listening to it is more important than falling into the trap of not wanting to believe that someone you care about isn’t who they pretend to be, it’s a mask and they were never who you thought they were. It’s important to not be having sex with these people and it’s safer to stick with solo action until you are in the clear, this is one of the ways they attach energetic cords to you so they can harvest your energy and bind demonic entities to you and make their black magic more effective in keeping you vulnerable, stuck and stagnant in life
*THINGS WILL HAPPEN WITH NANOTECHNOLOGY. Strange fibers growing in your skin, seeing small dust particle drones, etc……. You need to move unannounced and mostly unplanned, tell no one, and move far enough away that it’s inconvenient for them travel to watch you, being trapped is an illusion. It may seem like they fallow you everywhere, also an illusion, they are simply just EVERYWHERE! This is where understanding dark psychology, setting firm boundaries,discernment, and intuition is important! Don’t disrespect your boundaries, when you do that they have the upper hand and will always take it farther, as soon as someone disrespects your boundaries, simply walk away and cut them off. Make room in your life for those that respect your boundaries. Not everyone is like that, also don’t over share your personal life, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for everything. They appear to be fallowing you to every town because you display behaviors that they can exploit. They can sniff out easy targets like a bloodhound. Have boundaries and tell people when they are disrespecting a boundary and if they don’t stop they you will cut them off, then fallow through.
*ADVANCED BIOFUELS- genetic engineering, feeling crawling under your skin, covered with a very oily/waxy substance, getting random cuts on your body like invisible razor blades are coming out of nowhere and doing driveby on your skin? Making you feel like you’re being attacked by parasites? That’s advanced biofuels and they have a code word for it called buty wax that refers to butamax you need to RELOCATE and this will eventually destroy your body and your immune system and they will keep putting it into your environment until you move. They can make it at home or get it from the dark web for cheap, this is a torture tactic and as long as they know your location you are not safe from this. To help treat the effects of this, do cleanses to eliminate toxins from your body and take natural herbal remedies that will boost your immune system, get sunlight and exercise, avoid drugs and alcohol.
*DONT USE HARD DRUGS they target people with addictions because people don’t want to believe that what is happening is true if you’re on drugs, people don’t take addicts seriously because they assume they they are just hallucinations, making them an easy target for this type of abuse. Also many people in the drug world target people so they can get more drugs as payment and use drugs without being the target. And numb their pain all at your expense.
*AVOID THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS, avoid the people you know are your gang stalkers, avoid places like bars, strip clubs, and trap houses, and avoid things that trigger you to relapse on drugs or get involved with certain people, also avoid the people places and things that give you a bad gut feeling.

• I am open to answering any questions to the best of my knowledge. I know these things from experience dealing with these assholes for years, I have a heightened extra sensory perception, which means that I have spiritual gifts that have made it easier to practice divination (communicating with the deceased and spirit guides) spot on intuition that got me out of some very fucked up situations at last minute, as well as just knowing exactly what to collect samples of in my environment to look at under a microscope, and I also research everything that I feel is suspicious. Also look up the court documents for MK-ULTRA and research everything you don’t understand. I got away and nobody came to my rescue, I had to save myself and this is a great start. It goes way deeper than this but it’s too much to type here. Just ask me in the comments and I might be able to help with whatever answer you’re looking for.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I’ve lost all sensation of my body, I can’t feel anything. I was driving and it feels like I’m floating, I don’t even feel bumps in the road. I drive places and it feels like I just appeared there, I don’t remember the drive or how I got there.
I go out into the sunshine and have no idea what time is it, I don’t feel like I’m “here” at all. Things are unrecognizable, and not visually - mentally. It’s like I’ve never been where I am before.
I have no thoughts in my mind at all, just music repeating over and over again. It’s like my thinking brain and inner monologue are gone, and the fear part of my brain is in complete control. The scariest part is, I don’t have any physical anxiety or panic at all, that’s how I can’t understand why this has gotten worse. I haven’t felt any sort of panic in probably a year. I feel so past the point of many people on here - I don’t see very many people saying they have no anxiety, or they can’t feel their body, they feel disoriented and unable to comprehend reality around them. I cannot focus, or get my mind on anything that requires concentration. My mind is blank.
Why is my nervous system doing this? I cannot find any triggers or anything that would make me feel MORE anxious. Nothing in my life has changed. DPDR is destroying my ability to function. Walking around feeling like you have no body, like life isn’t real, like you’re no connected to yourself or the world around you. I try so hard to just live, and I have been for many months, but I continue to feel worse - not better.
I haven’t had health insurance but once it’s active, I’m going to have every test done. This is not normal, my nervous system must be damaged in some way. If you can’t feel your body even when you touch yourself, or it feels like your legs aren’t even attached to anything, there’s something wrong. I don’t even feel myself breathing or my heartbeat. When I used to take deep breaths, I could feel my lungs expanding, now it feels like I can barely take a full deep breath.
The cognitive issues, the memory loss, the complete lack of energy or interest in anything, the lack of an inner self, not recognizing where I am, what time it is, what life even is. I 100% feel dead, I don’t understand how a doctor wouldn’t able to see this on an MRI or scan - I’ve lost all sensations in my body. Is DPDR just cutting off the physical sensations from being read by my brain?? Same with senses, I don’t smell, feel, taste, nothing. Those things still have to be there but my brain isn’t reading the input and connecting it with memories, which is why everything feels so foreign and awful.
I’ve been watching Robin Shindelka’s YouTube channel and she’s so wonderful, calm, collected. She had DPDR and she came out of it. But I don’t see her explaining my symptoms the way I experience them, she still had physical anxiety and feelings. I have none of that. How can you heal from anxiety when you can’t even feel it? You can’t accept or float through something you’re unable to feel. I don’t see anyone describe DPDR the way I do.
I’ve truly never been in such a worse place. Even at my worst DPDR, I could feel anxiety. It didn’t feel like it was happening to me, or my body - but it was there. Anyone living like this would be afraid. It’s not only taken my reality from me, it’s taken myself and my body from me too. I picture someone experiencing this as they are dying, as a way to cope with the pain. But I’m not dying, I’m not being eaten alive, I’m just doing basic things trying to survive. I don’t fight the way I don’t feel anything. I just sit in this hell every single day.
Robin mentions that DPDR happens when you can’t run from your emotions, yourself or your fears. There’s no actual bear, I’m the bear. My mind fears my own emotions, my own self, there’s no trust. I don’t even know where to begin to get my subconscious to not fear existence. To not fear my own emotions. Any little bit of feeling I have, my mind goes deeper into DPDR. This is all subconscious. My mind doesn’t trust itself - a real bind I’m in here. If you can’t trust you own mind, who are you?

I created this account, to vent some of my frustration. I won't be commenting, looking, or editing it after I post. No, I'm not a bot, but sometimes I wish I was.
One of my best friend tried to kill himself, he left a farewell message which wasn't supposed to be interpretted as that, but I understood. I called every hospital in the area looking for his name, until I found one. When I went to visit him, I wasn't sure if I'd be finding him dead or alive. I worked up the courage to walk into the room, and found that he was surprised to see me. With so much frustration and anger in my mind, I just started yelling at him, wondering what the fuck he was thinking and why he didn't just call me. He couldn't answer, but a tear rolled down his cheek and my anger subsided and turned into grief, depression, then sorry. I asked him, why and he said told me I knew why. He struggled with major depression for years, like me. I tried my best to be a friend and help him out of that hole, but nothing I did would help. I thought maybe if I put my depression to the side and helped him with his I'd find a way of curing my own. I was never overt with any of the actions, I lent out a helping hand when neeeded and hung out with him when he was down. We've both had terrible traumas— his from neglect and financial issues, and mine from abuse and bullying, but I thought because we both suffered we would be able suffer together. I visitied him when his family was there as I was the nuclear detterent. I watched his mother and brother hurl insults at eachother while I tried to lighten the mood, the brother cared for him, the mother didn't. It seemed like she was there, just to say she showed up. I've known her for a while, she's callous, she always has a couple boyfriends on her side, but she never tries to keep them around. When the brother and the mother were around the entire room was filled with a negative aura and you can feel it, it was never pleasant and when I left tensions only raised. I visited him when work allowed me to, but after he was transferred to the psych ward, my schedule didn't fit in with any of the visitation hours so I never could. When he left the psych ward, what followed were days of him visiting my workplace during my lunch hours telling me that he would attempt it again, "it could happen any day now." My words seemed so hollow and breathless as I tried to sounding them out. I questioned myself, "What could I say? What could I do? Why is he telling me this?" This happened almost everyday for a couple of months, he would visit me and utter the same words. One day, I asked him, "How do you want me to respond to this" and to his non-challant reply was, "I don't know take it as you well." He was always forgetful, so I hoped he would forget about me too. Some nights we would get boba and he would tell me I was part of the reason he did it. I didn't know how to respond and I still don't. What did I do? I was completely and utterly drained of any emotions, sadness, depression, anger, grief. He was a boa constrictor wrapping it's body around mine smothering me to death. Nothing mattered to me, and so one day, I left without saying a word. He is still alive and hasn't tried anything since then, to which I am thankful. But I never answered his texts or calls. In this rough patch, I started unravelling because everything around me was unfolding.
I was still talking to the above friend, during this time when I got a call from my brother, "She's in the ER because she OD'D. Can you bring some blankets?" He was completely devoid of any urgency or emotion, I understand he doesn't handle them very well, but the calmness of voice only irritated me and made my bite my tongue til I bled. My mind was blank as I sped down the highway at 100mph. I remember the flickering lights as I paced through the hallway, a nurse recognized me from my personal life, but I brushed her off saying that I didn't know her as she was part of our church. Our family is conservative and if this got out, then all eyes would be on us with looks of disappointment and shame. I couldn't tell anyone. I hesitated, a roller coaster of emotions overwhelmed me as I grew closer and closer to the room. The same ones that had enveloped me with my best friend, but this one was brought on by so much shame. "How didn't I see this coming? What sort of brother am I, that I can't protect my only sister? Please... Please... Please.. don't be dead." I stopped in the hallway, where my brother stood and he just said he was getting a sandwhich. I watched him go as he walked away, not an ounce of grief, but after I saw him I noticed there was confusion and sadness in his face, but his words remained neutral as if he were trying to keep it together. I approached the door and hesitated right before going in, rubbing tears that were running down my face and collecting myself the best way I could. I saw her lying there, so helpless, barely alive, and struggling to breathe. My stomach sunk, my heart dropped, and my lungs collapsed. No physical pain, no abuse I had suffered, no moment would have prepared me for this, but as I looked at her she looked at me. I walked over and remarked, "This is because I didn't kill the spider, isn't it?" She laughed in pain the best she could, and my Dad added into and gave me a small slap on the head laughng as well. I saw her arms and saw the cuts and how deep they were. The heart monitor started fading and transforming into ringing within my ears. I sat down and talked to my Mom and Dad to see what we needed. They asked for blankets, which I forgot, and something to eat. I told them to go home as I'd just stay here to watch over her. They both said no at first, but my Dad reluctantly agreed after realizing there was no one to watch his business the next day. I nearly lost my mind. Your daughter is laying here in the ER, and you still need someone to watch the business? I volunteered to do it, but I stayed in the hospital until the I had to leave as I watch the seconds turn into minutes, the minutes to hours. The clock has never moved that slow before, I felt like I was frozen in every moment. It was only after I had learned she was raped three times. My blood boiled, my face turned hot, as I was heading to my car demanding who did it. He'd done this mutliple times. throughout the year, and I had no idea. I reached a point where I stormed out of my house, but my brother asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to find him, and beat the living shit out of them. He stopped me and told me, that that's why she didn't tell me. I didn't understand it it all, why he wasn't hopping into the car with me to this mother fuckers house after knowing all of this. He didn't want me to know because I'd go over to the hospital demanding her and asking her who did it. He was right. I calmed down, but if he wasn't there I would have found the fucker and I would have beaten the living shit out of them. I told my best friend what happened, and he tried to keep me calm and tried to get my mind off of things. We went to a friends birthday party and I could still hear the heart monitor ringing as I watched everyone have fun, eat, and party over this friends birthday. I felt like an extra, just playing the part of someone who's there to be there. I laughed and made jokes, but this hole in my chest kept getting wider and wouldn't close. I hadn't slept in three days, and the pain was like I was being eaten alive without being able to scream in agony. When we returned to the hospital, she was moved to a different facility, because she wasn't needed in the ER any longer. The nurses asked me to leave as they said that visiting hours were over, but they fell upon empty ears. I wasn't moving. I stayed there all night, and woke up the next morning. I don't remember falling asleep, I just blacked out at one point. I could tell you that when I woke up, all I saw where white walls, white floors, and white sheets. The typical hospital smell that filled the air with ammonia as it burned through my lungs. The heart monitor started to lose it's preptual ring and began to sound normal again. None of these details are important, but I remember them so well as if I'm living that moment right now. This was my second close call. She was home within the next week, but this trauma made our family a lot closer— but, there's a new edition to the family in the shape of an elephant, he doesn't speak to us and we don't speak to him, but he's always there. I haven't been able to look at her the same way, because I'm not sure what will set her off, and the scars on her arms still make me sick to the stomach.
My second best friend was tearing at the seams while all this was happening and I was trying to get his life back together, but something just wasn't clicking with him. I saw him descend into an abyss that I couldn't pull him out of, he started stalking his ex, binge drinking at work, in public, etc. , doing more and more drugs. I went to his rented out room where the landlord would help him do his laundry, cook for him, allow him to have pets even though she was against it. She was kind to him, and I had hoped that might have had some affect on his mental state, but he couldn't get out of his head. He nose dived and I tried to bring him back up, but I couldn't so I gave up. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from everything, in a puddle of a quicksand trying to get out, the more I resisted the further it pulled me down. I was in a boxing match with hit after hit after hit, I just couldn't stand it anymore, but this man gave me a family when mine abused me, he gave me a home when I didn't want to go back to mine, he allowed me to express myself and be free when I was in a position where everyone wanted to chain me, he became a friend when I needed one the most. I pleaded with my group to look after him a little bit more, we could take shifts, but no one cared or wanted to listen. "You can't help someone who can't help themselves." After his nose dive, I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I'd rather kill myself to watch him destroy himself, so I stopped speaking to him— after all, you can't help someone who can't help himself. I removed myself from the group and started working on myself. It had been a year since we last talked, he wrote one story on Instagram that caught my attention, "Maybe everyone was right about me." By this time, I had finally collected myself, I was in a good place, and I had every intention of talking with him again and helping him get back on track if I could, whether it be reaching out or just treating him like a person as if it were a typical Tuesday. As I was typing in the words, I stopped myself and said I needed a little bit more time. I was in the midst of a massive project at work that needed to be completed in two days. The next day, I got a text from one of the mutal friends in the group I had left, "He's dead. They found his body in his room." I stared at the phone for a few seconds. My mind blank. I just put my phone down and kept working.
I haven't talked to a therapist about any of this, but I have mentioned it. None of them seem interested in exploring it so it must not be that important, but I feel the need to get this burden off my chest. These three events happened concurrently, and after the dusk settled, I looked closer into all of the close relationships I had, and how many of my closest friends had ended up hurting themselves in a way to "heal." Nearly all of them. They would vent their struggles to me, and I always became an ear because people just need to be heard. Maybe they had problems before I met them, maybe they didn't. I'm probably stretching my own importance in their lives, but the nagging tick that bothers me is that I feel like I am the common denominator.