beauty
which i have now
fades so quick
i can’t even grasp it
actors and actresses
statues looking at you
only the garb changes
one of the strongest emerging social trends that arise as a consequence of increased longevity is a necessity to think about slowing cognitive decline in the over 50’s which means attention to diet and supplements, exercise , general fitness and "wear and tear", alcohol and drug consumption
my feeling is we are going to see sharp divides between subcultures in this respect and a lot of individual variation
also, a lot of the public health advice and cultural opinions are wrong minded or ill-informed, you have to do your own research and experimentation
a way of looking at the covid public health debacle (which continues despite the cardiovascular and cancer risks of boosters) was to trade off a reduced death rate in the elderly for an increased vaccine injury problem for the young
a verse by touzi on #3 of master fushan’s sixteen themes translated by suru
the death within life
birds clench the falling blossoms before the emerald cliffs, every word responds to conditions, spreading throughout — they ask of coming west, pointing to the cypress in the yard, but how could the passage through the lush mountain peaks be shut ?
活中死。鳥銜華落碧嵓前。對境皆言到處傳。人問西來指庭柏。豈關蒼翠嶺頭穿。
my reply:
what cannot be shut
is always open
but to avoid the common herd
it is disguised
why write things people understand ?
they just make your life a misery with their missionizing of a contrary view
to confuse them is better
they can’t target you
no "master"
except the claim
fantasies about reality
seek a center
its doesn’t exist
non-existence or otherwise
ed. zen is full of fake claims to authority by the appellation of "zen master", same with any religion and its "pooh-bahs"
that’s the trouble with writing
its lasts forever
so
necessarily
you are writing forever
i am appreciating the philosopher gilles deleuze more
the untranslated portion at the end goes
so you understand, when you have such an idea, the important is not to know whether it is true or false
the question is to know if it is important, if it is interesting, and if it is beautiful
and it is the same in science, it is the same in philosophy, you know
waterslipt
a furball
widening ripples on
the smooth surface
of a reflective river
a platypus
ed. i was having lunch at a clearing on the bank of the mersey river near the eastern end of bridle track road, the day was amazingly clear and windless and the river smooth and i noticed a platypus working its way feeding on the bottom to surface occasionally for breath then go back down again
this morning i serendipitously put on a shirt and trousers that "matched", i have always been sceptical of the concept, but since there are clothes that don’t match, there must be those that do match, though what constitutes the female sense of this, i still cannot fathom
the abdication of the duke of windsor was in fact a surface effect of a deeper political struggle, would britain become a client state of germany or would it resist ?
the outcome was not as obvious as you might think
taking actors as real
and a set as reality
is it any wonder
the dissembling mess
collapses ?
the circle of the contemporary
rubbish generating more rubbish
stay there at your own risk
sharing the same road for a while
but later
looking at the forks and branches
i realise
we are apart
inscribed on the tower at veneration monastery
in cold spring, a hundred-foot tower
i climb up alone, and then back down alone
who can manage such distances of the heart ?
david hinton
classical chinese poetry
the poet is tu mu (803 to 853 a.d.) with a bio on page 378 of the "classical chinese poetry" pdf link
definitely medieval with the mention of a functional tower
an interesting thing about frieda hughes is she did not have her mother’s talent, of course neither did ted
there is just a remarkable depth to sylvia plath’s work and this was despite all the obstacles, what genetic quirk created her or would , if her parents had more children, they have a similar talent ?
this prosaic world
because its written in prose of course
its not a poetic world
because its not written in poetry
if you take away the "zen master" or saint or prophet as an authority figure, what do you then have ?
Regulus replies:
People acceptant of the existent reality
my reply:
the monk asked zen master regulus "what is required to be enlightened" ?
zen master regulus replied "be accepting of existing reality"
the monk was left speechless
lee smolin doesn’t like jonathon oppemheim’s stochastic gravity approach
its interesting to watch lee talk with the constant gesticulatory body movements, almost tourette's, but he is using them to think, they are part of his cognition process
how simple is the world ?
its not that simple
and certainly not as simple as the way we view it to be
insight
takes you back
and obviates
some future lives
the brain
is
a
quantum
machine
words in a story
believable or unbelievable ?
don’t
be
fooled
.
words in a story
believable or unbelievable ?
don’t be fooled
so much knowledge
everywhere
each branch opens up exponentially
drowning in detail
its pursuer
i guess i have got so interested in hearts because of hunting and looking at them, in one animal, it beat for minutes cut out from the body; never seen any that had human like aging diseases
i think as a society we have lost touch with our own raw "viscerality", i hunt for my own meat; the killing, butchering and eating does bring one back in touch with that, the commonality with our homonin history
heart and lungs animation
the number of people who have no understanding of what even moderate levels of drinking does to their lives and long term health
you have won the existential lottery where the odds are so small of winning, no number covers it and to chip away at brain function with drugs and alcohol like that . . .
you want to experiment with doing some translation yourself with google and you will realise how its possible to construct almost any sense out of the chinese, its actually not meaningful to do any commentary without going back to the chinese, the variance is so large, translators follow their own biases to create a narrative that suits them
“ continuous as the stars that shine and twinkle on the milky way ”
wordsworth’s famous poem which he wrote based on notes by his sister dorothy was in effect co-authored by her
strangers to me
thirty years of no contact
exile speaks
of unwanted distance
.
strangers to me
thirty years of no contact
exile speaks
unwanted distance
ed. looking at a photo of my sister, niece and brother in law who are all very much changed since i last saw them notions of exile are not common in western literature, but are certainly there in the chinese
lost roads
can’t be recovered
what we have travelled
always
takes us
to
a different place
i love a sotherby’s auction , vast sums spent for my entertainment, all free, it don’t get slicker, a living made from networking skills and being personable
i was about to go negative on the painting by lucy bull, but on looking further i quite like her work
you have to be careful, auctioneers like these can talk the money out of your wallet
xu qiyao’s advice to his son on being successful in CCP politics
“ the path of understanding requires objectivity and experience ”
ed. the above is my reworking of the first lines of the xinxin ming which, amongst its more "normal" translations is
“ the great way is not difficult, just avoid picking and choosing ”
the xinxin ming is an abridged version of the mind inscription
心性不生何須知見
“ reality is either itself or not. is there any point to understanding this ? ”
ed. my translation of the first line of the "mind inscription"
"don’t interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake" — napoleon
i think in the context of divorce , what people find difficult is the necessity of switching to the extreme mindset of being at war and all that entails because that is what is immediately required
billie and finneas o’connell discuss how they created the "what am i made for" song for the film "barbie"
“ Dr. Raszek provides insights from his participation in a comprehensive review concerning the utilization of synthetic uridines in mRNA vaccines (ed. covid) and their potential implications for cancer development
The discussion delves into the intricate mechanisms that could be at play, exploring how these synthetic components might inadvertently suppress the body's innate immune system, induce frameshifting phenomena, and contribute to the production of IgG4 antibodies, all of which could potentially influence cancer growth ”
my comment
i think we can expect an upsurge in cancers, especially amongst the elderly as a result of the misguidedly intensive "booster" campaign, though it may take a while to show
the forward momentum
of habituation
leading
to
habits
that
become
unbreakable
the fallacy of "negation"
its not this, its not that
but its what its not
negation is a stylised buddhist rhetorical technique, nāgārjuna of course and you get it in dogen, they’ll say something then walk it back through its negation
but having walked it forwards, there is a sense in which it can’t be walked back or it could not be walked forwards another way of putting it is there is no ontological unity, everything is constantly splitting apart
zen masters and the authority they carry are literary constructs
buddha is a literary construct
jesus, muhammad and moses are literary constructs
the egyptian book of the dead is a literary construct
does it bother you that your advice is so bad ?
no
the blindness of narcissism

Yes. ISIS does exactly what Muhammad did in the 7th century. And it also adopts a lot of what the subsequent “rightly guided” caliphs did. Because after all, ISIS is a Salafi organization (Salaf- as in “Al-Salaf Al-Saleh” = the rightly guided predecessors - referring to the four “rightly guided” caliphs following Muhammad).
Long answer:
Let’s take a look first what ISIS is doing. If we can agree what these “atrocities” are, then we can look further and dig deeper whether we can find something similar in Islamic scripture and history.
So, here’s what ISIS does:
BEHEADING OF PRISONERS
Scriptural base:
Qur’an 8:12- “I will instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off.”
Qur’an 47:4- “Therefore, when ye meet the Unbelievers (in fight), strike off their heads; at length; then when you have made wide Slaughter among them, carefully tie up the remaining captives”: thereafter (is the time for) either generosity or ransom: Until the war lays down its burdens.”
What Muhammad did:
Then the Messenger of Allah commanded that ditches should be dug, so they were dug in the earth, and they were brought tied by their shoulders, and were beheaded. There were between seven hundred and eight hundred of them. The children who had not yet reached adolescence and the women were taken prisoner, and their wealth was seized.
Tafsir Ibn Kathir - The Campaign against Banu Qurayzah
Narrated Aisha . . . No woman of Banu [tribe] Qurayzah was killed except one. She was with me, talking and laughing on her back and belly (extremely), while the Apostle of Allah . . . was killing her people with the swords. Suddenly a man called her name: Where is so-and-so? . . . I asked: What is the matter with you? She said: I did a new act. [Aisha] said: The man took her and beheaded her. [Aisha] said: I will not forget that she was laughing extremely although she knew that she would be killed. (Abu Dawud)
TAKING FEMALE SEX-SLAVES
Scriptural base:
Qur’an - 4:24 - "And all married women are forbidden unto you save those captives whom your right hand possess. It is a decree of Allah for you.
What Muhammad did:
Sunan Abu Dawud, Vol. 2, # 2150:
Abu Said al-Khudri said: "The apostle of Allah sent a military expedition to Awtas on the occasion of the battle of Hunain. They met their enemy and fought with them. They defeated them and took them captives. Some of the Companions of the apostle of Allah were reluctant to have intercourse with the female captives in the presence of their husbands who were unbelievers. So Allah, the Exalted, sent down the Quranic verse, "And all married women (are forbidden) unto you save those (captives) whom your right hands possess". That is to say, they are lawful for them when they complete their waiting period." (See Qur’an 4:24 above)
Sahih Bukhari Vol.3 #432
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri that while he was sitting with Allah's messenger we said, "Oh Allah's messenger, we got female captives as our booty, and we are interested in their prices, what is your opinion about coitus interruptus?" The prophet said, "Do you really do that? It is better for you not to do it. No soul that which Allah has destined to exist, but will surely come into existence."
Sahih Muslim, Vol.2, #3371
Abu Sirma said to Abu Said al Khudri: "O Abu Said, did you hear Allah's messenger mentioning about al-azl (coitus interruptus)?" He said, "Yes", and added: "We went out with Allah's messenger on the expedition to the Mustaliq and took captive some excellent Arab women; and we desired them for we were suffering from the absence of our wives, (but at the same time) we also desired ransom for them. So we decided to have sexual intercourse with them but by observing azl" (withdrawing the male sexual organ before emission of semen to avoid conception). But we said: "We are doing an act whereas Allah's messenger is amongst us; why not ask him?" So we asked Allah's messenger and he said: "It does not matter if you do not do it, for every soul that is to be born up to the Day of Resurrection will be born".
Kitab al-Tabaqat al-Kabir, page 151
"He [the Lord of Alexandria] presented to the prophet Mariyah, her sister Sirin, a donkey and a mule which was white....The apostle of Allah liked Mariyah who was of white complexion and curly hair and pretty.... Then he cohabited with Mariyah as a handmaid and sent her to his property which he had acquired from Banu al-Nadir."
Tabari's History, volume 39, page 194
"He (Muhammad) used to visit her (Mariyam) there and ordered her to veil herself, [but] he had intercourse with her by virtue of her being his property."
THROWING DOWN HOMOSEXUALS FROM ROOFS AND STONING THEM AFTERWARDS
Scriptural base:
Qur'an 4:16 If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both. If they repent and amend, Leave them alone; for Allah is Oft-returning, Most Merciful.
Sunan Abu Dawud 38:4447 Narated By Abdullah ibn Abbas : The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: If you find anyone doing as Lot's people did, kill the one who does it, and the one to whom it is done.
What Muhammad and companions did:
Mishkat, vol. 1, p. 765, Prescribed Punishments
Ibn Abbas and Abu Huraira reported God's messenger as saying, 'Accursed is he who does what Lot's people did.' In a version...on the authority of Ibn Abbas it says that Ali [Muhammad's cousin and son-in-law] had two people “burned” and that Abu Bakr [Muhammad's chief companion] had a wall thrown down on them.
Modern Exegesis:
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid, Islam Q&A, Fatwa No. 5177
Abu Bakr al-Siddeeq judged in accordance with this, and he wrote instructions to this effect to Khaalid, after consulting with the Sahaabah. ‘Ali was the strictest of them with regard to that. Ibn al-Qasaar and our shaykh said: the Sahaabah agreed that [the person who does homosexual acts] should be killed, but they differed as to how he should be killed. Abu Bakr al-Siddeeq said that he should be thrown down from a cliff. ‘Ali (may Allaah be pleased with him) said that a wall should be made to collapse on him. Ibn ‘Abbaas said, they should be killed by stoning. This shows that there was consensus among them that [the person who does homosexual acts] should be killed, but they differed as to how he should be executed. This is similar to the ruling of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) concerning the person who has intercourse with a woman who is his mahram [incest], because in both cases intercourse is not permitted under any circumstances. Hence the connection was made in the hadeeth of Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) who reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the deed of the people of Loot, kill them.” And it was also reported that he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has intercourse with a woman who is his mahram, kill him.” And according to another hadeeth with the same isnaad, “Whoever has intercourse with an animal, kill him and kill the animal with him.” (Narrated by Ahmad, 2420; Abu Dawood, 4464; al-Tirmidhi, 1454; al-Haakim, 4/355).
Imam Sirajudeen Bakrin, Nigerian Tribune, December 30, 2011
However, there is a divergence of opinions on the methodology to be used in executing the punishment. While some scholars such as Abu bakr [the first Rightly-Guided Caliph] and Ali [Muhammad's son-in-law and the fourth Rightly-Guided Caliph ] were of the view that such a person should be beheaded and set on fire thereafter, Umar [the second Rightly-Guided Caliph] and Uthman [the third Rightly-Guided Caliph] thought the wall should be fell on him. To Ibn Abbas [Muhammad's cousin], he should be taken to the tallest building in the town, thrown upside down while some men stand on the ground waiting to meet him with stone in replication of the destruction done to the people of Lut (Lot) by Allah.
STONING OF ADULTERERS
Scriptural base & what Muhammad did:
Sahih Bukhari (6:60:79) - Two people guilty of illegal intercourse are brought to Muhammad, who orders them both stoned to death.
Sahih Muslim (17:4192) - "in case of married (persons) there is (a punishment) of one hundred lashes and then stoning (to death). And in case of unmarried persons, (the punishment) is one hundred lashes and exile for one year"
Sahih Muslim (17:4196) - A married man confesses to adultery. Muhammad orders him planted in the ground and pelted with stones. According to the passage, the first several stones caused such pain that he tried to escape and had to be dragged back.
Sahih Muslim (17:4206) - A woman who became pregnant confesses to Muhammad that she is guilty of adultery. Muhammad allows her to have the child, then has her stoned.
The description is graphic: "Khalid b Walid came forward with a stone which he flung at her head and there spurted blood on the face of Khalid and so he abused her."
Ibn Ishaq (970)

• "The adulterer must be stoned." These words were a part of Muhammad's farewell address to his people on the occasion of his final pilgrimage to Mecca.

ASSASSINATION OF POLITICAL OPPONENTS & “SLANDERERS OF ISLAM”
What Muhammad did:
Bukhari vol.3 book 45 ch.3 no.687 p.415.
(687) Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah: Allah's Apostle said, 'Who would kill Ka'b bin Al-Ashraf as he has harmed Allah and His Apostle? Muhammad bin Maslama (got up and) said, 'I will kill him.' So, Muhammad bin Maslama went to Ka'b and said, 'I want a loan of one or two Wasqs of foodgrains.'" After dickering over what to hold as mortgage, they agreed that Muhammad bin Maslama would mortgage his weapons. So he promised him that he would come with his weapons next time."
Source: Ibn Ishaq, pp. 675-76 / 995-96.
Asma was a poetess who belonged to a tribe of Medinan pagans, and whose husband was named Yazid b. Zayd. She composed a poem blaming the Medinan pagans for obeying a stranger (Muhammad) and for not taking the initiative to attack him by surprise. When the Allah-inspired prophet heard what she had said, he asked, "Who will rid me of Marwan’s daughter?" A member of her husband’s tribe volunteered and crept into her house that night. She had five children, and the youngest was sleeping at her breast. The assassin gently removed the child, drew his sword, and plunged it into her, killing her in her sleep.
The following morning, the assassin defied anyone to take revenge. No one took him up on his challenge, not even her husband. In fact, Islam became powerful among his tribe. Previously, some members who had kept their conversion secret now became Muslims openly, "because they saw the power of Islam," conjectures Ibn Ishaq.
Al-Tabari vol.9 p.167:
Al-Aswad was assassinated because he claimed that he was a prophet, after coming out of the Khubban cave. He was killed a day or two before Mohammed's death.
Al-Tabari vol.9 p.121
"The Messenger of God called me and said, 'It has reached me that Khalid b. Sufyan b. Nubayh al-Hudhali is gathering a force to attack me. He is either in Nakhlah or 'Uranah, so go to him and kill him.'"
Abu Dawud vol.1 no.1244 p.328
"He (the prophet) said, :Go and kill him. I saw him when the time of the afternoon prayer had come. I said : I am afraid if a fight takes place between me and him (Khalid b. Sufyan), that might delay the prayer. I proceeded walking towards him while I was praying by making a sign. When I reached near him, he said to me : Who are you? I replied : A man from the Arabs ; it came to me that you were gathering (any[sp] army) for this man (i.e. the Prophet). Hence I came to you in connection with this matter. ... I then walked along with him for a while; when it became convenient for me, I dominated him with my sword until he became cold (dead)."
Al-Tabari vol.8 p.122
According to Ibn Ishaq: Kinanah b. al-Rabi' b. Abi al-Huqayq who had the treasure of the Banu al-Nadir, was brought to the Messenger of God, who questioned him, but he denied knowing where it [the treasure] was. Then the Messenger of God was brought a Jew who said to him, "I have seen Kinanah walk around this ruin every morning." The Messenger of God said to Kinanah: "What do you say? If we find it in your possession, I will kill you. "All right he answered. The Messenger of God commanded that the ruin should be dug up, and some of the treasure was extracted from it. Then he asked him for the rest of it. Kinanah refused to surrender it, so the Messenger of God gave orders concerning him to al-Zubayr b. al-'Awwam, saying, "Torture him until you root out what he has." Al-Zubayr kept twirling his firestick in his breast until Kinanah almost expired [died]; then the Messenger of God gave him to Muhammad b. Maslamah, who beheaded him to avenge his brother Mahmud b. Maslamah."
The list goes on.
CONCLUSIONS:
All the included sources are Muslim sources. A lot of scholars are using this material to come up with Fatwas and also material for their sermons.
If you have read through my brief write-up, you can see that what ISIS is doing today is almost an exact carbon copy of what Muhammad and his warband were doing back then.
Therefore I urge you all to study all the facts about Muhammad and Islam first, before defending the narrative that ISIS is not Islamic.

FIRST CHAPTER
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
This product is a fanfic of the Sexy Space Babes/Between Worlds product of u/Bluefishcake and one I highly suggest you read. It was created with permission, but give the OG works some love.
Imgr gallery of Comissioned and Fan Artworks
I'm Back Bitches! Again!
//////////
Junior Systems Engineer First Class Che’keero knelt before a semi-sparking control panel and sighed. She, and a large band of her fellow Engineers with Marine support, had boarded the pirate frigate with the singular goal of ensuring that the pirates didn’t scuttle their floating hulk and doom the slaves aboard to a, if they were lucky, a swift death in space.
The problem, of course, came with the pirate’s maintenance schedules and decisions to forgo certain… safety measures when it came to repair.
Like the panel before her. Usually a perfectly functional control system for the reverse-magnetic bulkhead doors that ensured void seals in power outages, some pirate at some point in their dumb, dumb life decided to fix the panel blowing a fuse… by ripping the fuse out and replacing it with a high density power cable. Which meant the entire thing was one massive shock hazard and actively sparking as the reactors deep in the ship flickered and surged due to damage.
Che’keero swore as an arc of electricity flashed towards her face after a tool that was not supposed to be magnetized, cheap dick WaDepth requisitions, caught a magnetic field, fusing the entire system shut and turning the formerly barely functional control system into nothing but pretty, decorative wiring and cheap solder. She punched the now utterly unfunctional control box and toggled on her radio. “Three-Two to Three-Lead, this door’s fried. You’ll need to bring in the cutters if we want to get to the rest of the ship. Might as well also bring in an inflatable airlock, I’m not liking how some of the metal strain sensors are flashing at me.”
A semi-synthetic voice replied back to Che’keero, “Three-Lead copies. I’ll be over there shortly with the stuff. Double check those sensors, I’m not getting the same readings, so let’s make sure something isn’t blocking errors from reaching me.”
“Copy that Three-Lead, Three-Two ou-” Something tapped against the back of her helmet and Junior Systems Engineer First Class Che’keero mentally swore.
“Now, now, lassie, how about you sit right there and don’t move.” A nasally, unfamiliar voice called out to her while tapping what a camera she set up to watch her back revealed to be a laser pistol to Che’keero’s helmet. “I think that you’re going to be our new best friend and way off this dead end ship.”
Che’keero paused, letting the situation settle in her mind, “Wait, what? Are… are you taking me hostage?”
“Yes!” The pirate replied.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you taking me hostage? This won’t work, none of the shuttles are jump capable and if you try anything, you’ll just end up jumped by marines. They specifically train to deal with pirates taking their engineers hostage. If you want to survive, you should just surrender and take the penal colony when it’s offered.” Che’keero mentioned, shrugging and continuing her inspection of the door.
The pirate seemed baffled at the sheer nonchalance of this response, the pistol slowly falling to merely point at her upper back instead of her head, “You… you really aren’t taking this seriously. I’m a pirate! I’ve killed people! I’ve killed boys, and you’re just sitting there like this doesn’t mean anything!”
“I mean… I wouldn’t say that.” Che’keero replied.
“THEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN!” The pirate screamed, the pistol moving away from Che’keero’s body by a fraction of an inch during an angry gesture.
It was at that point, a ceramic alloyed, carbon steel blade punched clean through the back of the pirate’s suit, slicing through their central nervous system and striking with enough force to shatter the faceplate of said pirate’s helmet on the way out. Muscles twitching, the laser pistol fired off randomly, missing Che’keero and slagging a chunk of bulkhead.
“I’m just buying time,” Che’keero replied cheekily.
“You really need to remember to check your cameras,” The semi-synthetic voice of Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns commented as the ex-pirate fell to the ground and blue blood dripped from the long blade sprouting from her right arm and a toolbox hanging from her left hand. “This isn’t the first time you have been flanked, and this one wasn’t during training.”
“Look, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Che’keero replied a bit testily.
“I’m sorry…” Ventures Forth prodded.
“I’m sorry, Ma’am.”
“Much better. Right, now what do we see in this- yeah you were right on it being fried.” Ventures Forth gently shoved the Junior Systems Engineer aside and took her place at the control panel. “Do a sweep of the strain systems. I don’t want this section of the ship breaking apart. Feel free to call up our hull patches. We’ve got plenty to share and this might have to be a lifeboat.”
“Aye, ma’am aye,” Che’keero replied with a crisp salute before rushing off to her duty.
Deeper inside the ship, Ventures Forth could hear laser fire, clashing of metal on metal, and cries for help.
The pirate ship was doomed, it was shattered and broken, but it was not destroyed. Not yet. \
And if she had her way, Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns would keep it that way.
//////////
Roshal stood still as her steward continued to clean the dark blue and rapidly congealing blood off her armored form. “Comms,” She called out, “Do we have any contact with the shuttle we sent to the station?”
“Negative, ma’am.” The comm officer replied. She wasn’t the same one that was present when Roshal left to fend off the boarders. At the unspoken question, the woman continued “Communication’s Mate Second Class Lev’tal, ma’am. My superior got a concussion when the pirate ship rocked our ship during boarding. Strap snapped, prior damage. I took over.”
Roshal nodded approvingly, “Good initiative. Send a message to the station, see if we can’t rai-”
“Ma’am! Contact!” One of her sensor techs called out, “Belay that, two contacts. First contact, nav point 782 spinward, possible bogey, cruiser weight. Unknown movements. Second contact, nav point 102 coreward, aerospace assets inbound. Small flight. Hard to determine numbers due to damage. No less than two, no more than five.”
“Focus on getting a hard contact on that possible cruiser. Weapons, what is the status of our anti-aerospace.” Roshal demanded, holding her sword arm out for the steward to scrub at a particularly clotted chunk of blood splattered over her wrist.
The weapons officer shook her head, “If we’re lucky, then we’ve got 20% coverage on half our sides. If we’re very lucky, I might be able to bump that number up to 35%. Not going to quote doctrine, but that’s not nearly enough to fend off a flight of Aerospace assets on a strike run, and that’s assuming they don’t hit us on an unprotected flank.”
Roshal nodded once more, “Sound general quarters and get weapons and tactical back online. Tell the damage control parties to not be distracted and focus on critical systems first. Engine room, report. Can you give me maneuvering thrust?”
The nearby ship phone chimed in with a staticy hiss, “Negative, ma’am. The shot we made with the spinal mount tripped breakers up and down the reactor room. This isn’t an engine problem, we need to make sure our reactor doesn’t blow up when we siphon power. Before you ask, emergency power is still flowing and none of their circuits tripped, but that means we’re down to life support, basic systems, and dockyard thrusters. It will take at least 20 to get the reactor in a safe state. If you want 10, send the chaplain down so we have someone praying for good luck. The fact most of our structural engineers are doing an EVA boarding to ensure the pirate ship next to us doesn’t go critical and render the entire exercise moot isn’t helping matters at all.” The engine room replied Roshal bit down a bit of annoyance at the snark, but engineers were always a finicky sort with authority. They were the first to remind uptight officers that while the Captain’s word may be iron law, it was their work that truly moved the ship.
“Confirmed, engine room.” Roshal instead replied. “Chaplains will be arriving shortly. Do what you can and inform me when you’re three minutes out from full power.”
The engine room didn’t even bother replying, just sending over the affirmative light as they got to work. Roshal approved of that. Sometimes, you just had to insult someone in order to get it working right.
“Captain, we have confirmation on contact. He’s an Alliance Karcharidon class Heavy Cruiser on intercept course. Energy readings are spiking… they’re charging their guns, ma’am!”
“Issue a hostile challenge and give me a firing solution with any gun still functional.”
“No response, ma’am. Hostile Karcharidon is increasing speed. Hard contact in 15 minutes.”
Roshal snarled, emotion breaking through her mask. “Of course, the pirates had one more vessel. Helm, fire our maneuvering thrusters, use the pirate hulk as cover. Weapons, get whoever’s left of our Interceptor flight to engage the enemy. Comms, get me in contact with the merchant fleet, tell them to evacuate. We’ll provide cover.”
“Aye ma’am.” The Communications Mate Second Class said with a shiver in her voice. “Sending-”
“Update on Aerospace assets!” Her sensor tech called out.
“Deliver!” Roshal demanded, cutting off the comms officer with a slice of her hand.
“Weapons fire. Definitely less than four contacts. Seems to be two grou- negative, only two contacts remaining- weaponsfire- one contac- IFF received, oh goddesses, IT’S RUNOFF THREE! FRIENDLY AEROSPACE INBOUND!”
//////////
Milk gripped her crash harness hard as Cookie slammed the Interceptor’s fusion torch clean past its safe thrust marker and into the red as g forces crushed her chest. “Last target down.” She reported after Cookie’s final laser burst hit something critical inside the final Aerospace fighter’s frame. “That’s 20 for 20. All enemy bogeys down. All standard munitions are in the black. Static drive is 48%, dump core ejected. All we’ve got left is our ASM and front laser.”
Cookie flashed back an affirmative signal.
“We going for that cruiser?”
Another affirmative.
“Well, I’m braced and ready on the release. Ready.”
“Ready.” Cookie spoke, his voice horse.
It’s funny what people think when their lives are on the line. Because charging towards a fresh enemy Heavy Cruiser, nothing but a single anti-shipping missile worth a damn, no allied support but the faint glimmer in IFF screens of their fellow flight doing the same… all Aoibhinn McDermott could think of was a poem she had read at least a decade ago or more at the Naval Academy.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the Valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
//////////
Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns could do nothing but furiously swear as the basic sensor system her engineering team had restored on the thoroughly ventilated secondary command bridge of the pirate hulk revealed an enemy Heavy Cruiser bearing down upon their homeship.
“Weapons are trashed. We cored their reactor, anyway.” One of the tangential engineers reported, “Other teams are calling in. Things are worse where they are. We’ve found the slaves, though, luckily it was one of the few airtight bays. Also, have some more captives, but that really doesn’t matter right now.”
“No shit.” Ventures Forth replied, “Can we do anything?”
The engineer looked back to her, visor depolarizing so the Gearschilde can look into the black and yellow eyes of her Shil coworker.
“Pray.” The woman replied simply.
Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns did just that.
//////////
Low chanting filled the engine bay as a small group of priests stood around the engine praying to whichever god that would listen to allow them one more shot. One more fight.
Around them, black handed engineers scurried, ripping out blown fuses and replacing them with soldered in high strength wire. A final measure of desperation. Sparks flew as engineers swore and chaplains prayed, power still remaining in circuits needing to be bled out before bypasses could be installed, turning every bit of solder and every ripped out fuse into a deadly gamble.
Already, someone was lying on the ground, no longer twitching.
They didn’t have time to check on their fallen comrade, the work was too important.
A clock ticked down. Four minutes elapsed.
//////////
Lieutenant Commander Cenywyn swore as she watched Runoff 2 die.
Their single Interceptor had mistimed a maneuver and had been caught dead in the middle of an Anti-Aerospace array, shredded in an instant. The only consolation she could take was that, seeing as the first shot went clean through the cockpit, they didn’t even notice they died.
“Runoff 4, stay in formation.” She ordered over the radio, “We’ll lead you in for the run.”
“Yes ma’am.” The hesitant voice of Junior Flight Lieutenant Griogill replied. She swallowed, “We’re- we’re ready when you are.”
“No fear, Lieutenant,” Cenywyn called back to the child she was leading to her death. “We’re pilots in the Imperial Patrol. We do our duty. No fear.”
A clock ticked down. Six minutes elapsed.
//////////
“Talk to me!” The last remaining senior engineer in the reactor bay called out to anyone who was able to reply.
Someone, she didn’t even bother looking to see who, called back “We’ve bypassed 60% of the fuses. Should be able to give ourselves a burst of combat power. No more than 10 minutes of it before the entire system overheats and we either die, or the reactor shuts off.”
“Any chance we can get more than 10 minutes?”
“Not before that Heavy Cruiser delivers us straight to the stars.”
“Fuck it, good enough.” She slammed her fist on the ship phone’s dialing button resting near the console the engineer had just ripped the last safety override out of. “Captain. We’ve got your power. You give us the word, and we’ll give you ten minutes.”
//////////
Roshal breathed in, breathed out, and nodded. 10 minutes of combat power before the entire ship shut down into uselessness. She’d done more with less. She couldn’t remember when, but she had. Luckily, this was a Patrol Carrier instead of a standard ship, so it was more than capable of combat maneuvers with nothing but RCS thrusters. That should give her some time.
Movement, movement was going to be the key.
“Comms, tell the engineering crews on the hulk that they are ordered to figure out anything that could draw the attention of the Heavy Cruiser,” She began, “Systems, break our mooring lines. We’re going to have to split from the hulk. Helm, prepare for maneuvers. RCS only. We are going to have to do this carefully. Engineroom, prepare for power activation, but hold until my command.”
This needs to be perfect, Roshal thought, A single mistimed action ruins it all.
A clock ticked down. Ten minutes elapsed. The Karcharidon had entered maximum weapon’s range.
//////////
He of Slender Tail shivered where he stood. The secondary command bridge was silent as Roshal began giving orders to fight. This was… this was insane.
They were in a ruined ship with nothing but a merchant fleet beginning to flee and a three thirds dead pirate hulk on their side against a fresh Karcharidon class Heavy Cruiser.
They couldn’t win.
This was suicide.
They would die here.
\ So why didn’t He of Slender Tail feel afraid?
He stood at his post, a secondary bridge console where he would relay orders to other departments, freeing up the other Watchkeeper to collate those orders, there was nothing he could do to help win this impossible battle, and yet…
And yet he felt heat blossoming inside his chest with every single order delivered.
“Mooring teamsss, you are to cut your linesss immediately.” He relayed to a crew of Shil scurrying around the ruined bulkheads, “Damage control, prepare for electrical firesss and arcsss.” He commanded, switching between teams instantly.
He didn’t feel fear. He could see his Watchkeeper shiver every time the sensors reported the enemy contact was still closing, but he didn’t feel the same.
What he felt… was indignation.
How dare this pirate scum threaten his vessel, his crew. How dare they ambush this valiant ship after they had fought so hard to win. How dare they.
He let his fangs fold out as he spat the next order, “Anti-Aerossspace teamsss, prepare your batteriesss for grouped fire. Gunnery calculationsss are on their way.”
How dare they stand up to him.
A clock ticked down. 12 minutes elapsed. Weapons fire.
//////////
Roshal swayed slightly as she could feel the ship beneath her feet move. Movement is life in naval warfare, movement is death. “Right RCS fire, bring us clear of the hulk. Bow thrusters, up twenty.”
“Aye, ma’am, aye, right standard and bow up twenty.” The Helmswoman replied.
“Confirmed. Next maneuver, give us rear thrust-”
“Torpedo!” The sensor operator called out in a shrill voice, “Two marks on intercept course! Range, twelve K and closing fast!”
“Decorum!” Roshal snapped at the panicking sensor technician. “Comms, order Runoff flight to divert and intercept those torpedoes. Rear RCS to full, give us momentum.”
Roshal turned away from the bridge as affirmations were shouted, and the ship began to move, “Engineering, prepare to activate combat power on my mark and prepare for hard maneuvers. Mark in five.”
//////////
Griogill swallowed bile and tried not to feel too thankful that the enemy vessel had fired torpedoes at their home ship. Being diverted from an attack run had a much higher chance of survival than striking through an AA bubble.
“Runoff 4 engaging far torpedo. Moving in for intercept. Bre’kas, give me lock.”
Griogill’s backseater muttered something, and a target lock appeared on the far torpedo as Runoff 1, their previous Drill Sergeants, dashed by in a hard burn and blazed away at their own target.
“Right. We can do this. We can do this. No fear.” The rookie muttered as the sight of her friends in Runoff 3 being turned to vapor echoed in her mind. “I can do this.”
The target locked. She fired. The torpedo detonated.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in four.”
//////////
The Heavy Cruiser loomed closer as the comparatively tiny Patrol Carrier spat its defiance in the form of two Interceptors dancing between the stars.
As a pair of torpedoes detonated, four more were launched, the anti-shipping weapons built for this specific purpose. Destroying disabled vessels.
And so the last two remaining Interceptors on CAP dove into the fray, risking themselves against an ever approaching AA bubble in order to save their ship.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in three.”
//////////
All Cookie could do was stare and push his meager aerospace fighter further on its nuclear thrusters as shimmering dots of torpedoes lanced out from the Heavy Cruiser attacking his new home.
He pushed his hand forward and felt the throttle once more push back against him, the lever pushed all the way past safe thrust and into the further setting on his console.
The Interceptor was fast. It didn’t feel fast enough.
And so he spoke the words he spoke once before, back when he’d had to listen to his backseater’s screams of pain and the rush of wind after shrapnel pierced his fuselage, and the hospital was so, so far away.
Father, I pray that you will not hide your face from me. Whenever I pray, Lord please hear me and answer me speedily in Jesus' name. God, I pray that you will grant me speed through your help.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in two.”
//////////
The Heavy Cruiser shifted, engine flaring and it began to close the range. A single disabled ship on emergency RCS thrusters and a pair of Aerospace fighters was nothing it would have to deal with.
It fired a third spread of torpedoes.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
They took the bait. Roshal thought with a vicious grin.
“Mark in one.” She paused, “Execute.”
In an instant, power flowed through the ship, emergency lights flickered off as the burning red boarding lights returned their fiery glow. The entire ship shook as the main thruster came back online, and capacitors began to charge for maneuvers.
“Hard burn, full thrusters, right, on my mark.” Roshal watched as the Heavy Cruiser began to react to her movements, the enemy ship was alive, you needed to roll to broadsides to begin bombardment, come on come on…
Roshal watched as a torpedo flickered out of existence, Runoff 4 gaining another kill.
Come on, dammit, you don’t get put in charge of a Heavy Cruiser without- THERE!
The Heavy Cruiser flinched, turning her bow away from the no longer stricken vessel, preparing for broadside.
The Captain’s grin showed more teeth than smile. “Execute! Full right thrust!”
“Full right thrust! Aye ma’am aye!” Her helmswoman called out as maneuvering thrusters dead cold roared to life and physically threw the vessel to the side, causing everyone not strapped in on the bridge to rock as a barrage of fire flew past their former location, manual targeting systems in play since the automatic systems would still be getting warmed up.
“Full thrust forward, prepare to divert all power to secondary weapons. Weapons, give me a firing solution.” Roshal commanded, hand raised and pointed at the enemy’s display as if she were commanding from a tall ship.
A chant of “Aye ma’am aye” flowed out across the bridge as the weaponsmistress was silent before calling out. “Port side is up to 45% secondary fires and 32% point defense. That’ll be our best bet.”
Roshal nodded. “Make it so. Target their main weapons. Helm, get us that facing.”
“Ma’am. We’re getting a call from Runoff 3. They are entering the AO and are asking for a target.”
Roshal smiled, “Weapons, shift target. Aim for the anti-aerospace systems. Let’s give Runoff 3 the opening they need.”
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Cookie, we’ve got a targeting path.” Milk called forward. “Putting it up on your HUD.”
“One second… I’ve got it. Moving to comply. Did the Captain give us a plan?” her front seater replied, causing her stomach to do funny things as the Aerospace Fighter maneuvered while under high thrust.
“Something like that. She asked for a munitions report and specifically about our anti-shipping weapon.”
Cookie paused.
“Ah.” He finally said.
“Yeah.” She replied.
“Well, let’s hope they’re able to open us up to a window of opportunity. Or this will be a short charge.”
“Not our place to question why.”
“Just our place to do and die.”
Time to target… three minutes.
Into the valley of Death, rode the six hundred.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
Two vessels, three Aerospace fighters, one chance.
Six minutes of power remained. All actors took their places on the stage.
One hundred kilometers, close enough to check the weld quality of hull seams, the two ships danced across from each other. Maneuvering.
Five minutes of power remained.
The Karcharidon Heavy Cruiser rolled itself trying to keep the vulnerable top deck away from the Patrol Carrier’s presumably still working main gun as Roshal’s vessel jumped to the side. Thrusters roared.
Four minutes of power remained.
Runoff 1 and 4 shot towards their formerly separated comrade, forming up behind them in a wedge. The trio climbed towards the sun as their captain continued to chase and harass the Karcharidon.
Three minutes of power remained.
Roshal spoke. The lances of her vessel fired. Laser blasts carved across the hull of the enemy ship as it rolled.
The rolling ceased. A helmswoman swore as a full broadside caught the Patrol Carrier in the flank. The port hangar pod was ruined, armor shattered and all inside exposed to hard vacuum. Those who could scream died the fastest. The Interceptors had their opening.
Two minutes of power remained.
Silent wings swept through vacuum as three Interceptors began their dive, their formerly speedy arrowhead shape giving way to an inverted t as their wings swept out for stability, the ASF dove and dove and dove.
Five Kilometers away.
The range was too wide. They had one shot. It had to be perfect.
One minute of power remained.
The Into Harm’s Way spat its defiance into the world, limited power drained to give her pilots a seconds more of time.
30 seconds of power remained.
Three Kilometers.
Hard Lock! Milk shouted from the back seat of Runoff 3. Cookie was silent. The range was still too wide.
15 seconds of power remained.
Two Kilometers.
The Karcharidon seemingly began to roll before the Patrol Carrier once more fired, its last remaining weapons spouting their defiance against the world. Deep in engineering, systems began to blow, wires that replaced fuses sparked power and delicate circuit boards shorted out into useless scrap.
The lights went out.
No power remained.
Roshal, in her head, began to count down as lances of light began to sweep across her ship. Damage control did what they could, but the beams began to cut like an overly enthusiastic shipbreaker.
Five.
One Kilometer.
Four.
Cookie’s thumb depressed the firing stud as the Interceptor screamed at him.
Three.
The ASF launched its deadly payload.
Two.
Three Interceptors pulled back hard on their sticks to avoid colliding with the deck.
One.
The thruster of the anti-shipping missile roared as it rocketed the point blank aerospace distance to target.
Impact.
The armor piercing tip of the missile punched into the upper deck plating of the Heavy Cruiser, classified alloys allowing it to pierce into the armored plating just enough to allow the shaped charge to open up a hole as momentum kept the weapon moving.
Within the frame of a single second, the warhead of the missile had entered the ship and, before the alarms even had time to sound, detonated.
A new sun appeared in the void for a split second as a plasma-fusion warhead detonated inside the Karcharidon heavy cruiser’s hull.
//////////
Roshal allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief inside her head as the emergency power lights flickered overhead and the gravity ever so slightly lightened. What was left of their sensor arrays showed the enemy vessel powering down. “Engineering. Good work, your 10 minutes were just what she needed.” She called out, picking up the ship phone.
There was no answer from engineering.
She signed externally before pointing at one of the marines guarding the bridge, “Find a crewmate in a void suit. I have need of runners.” The marine clasped a fist to her chest before leaving to execute her captain’s commands. “Comms, do we have any contact with the engineering teams on the pirate hulk?”
The Comms officer held up a hand, Roshal waited, “No, ma’am. We aren’t getting- wait. We’ve got visual on flashing lights from the hull. Apparently, something shorted, so they’re having to rebuild broadcast arrays. They can receive just fine, though.”
“Good, once we can maneuver, bring us broadside of them. What’s the status of the merchant fleet?”
Navigation spoke up now, “Still heading for the Jump Point. Should we send the recall order?”
“Not yet, we are still unsure if the area is safe. If we have any sensors remaining, begin sca-”
The mentioned sensor technician interrupted Captain Roshal, “Ma’am, new contact, signature unknown. Just jumped in from outside the starlane!”
“Give me details. Course, range, and speed?” She demanded.
“Signal confused, can’t get a lock!” Navigation called out, “Can’t tell if confusion’s from them or us.”
Not another one… Roshal sighed, “All forces prepa-”
“Ma’am, we’re being hailed.” Communications called out.
“On squawk.”
“This is Captain Al’yosha Cal’rada of Her Imperial Majesty’s Ship Spear of the Knyaginya, responding to Merchant vessel distress calls. Imperial Patrol Carrier, are you in need of assistance at this time?”
Roshal recognized the voice. A junior officer from her days in the Navy and a fellow Sevastutavan. The memory of the fresh faced girl when she’d joined her as an Ensign straight of the Naval Academy flashed before her eyes. “Captain Cal’rada. Your timing is impeccable as always.”
“Admiral?” Roshal could hear the shock in her old protege’s voice.
“That’s Captain, now, Al’yosha. I require your aid in ensuring the disabled vessel still glowing from an ASM strike remains disabled along with Search and Rescue teams for our sister Carrier.
“Whatever you want, you’ll have it, Admiral_… Helm! All ahead flank and plot course to intercept. Launch gunships and prepare to deploy Bluejackets. We’ll test our _Orcas’ teeth today!”
The line cut out a moment later than it should have, and Roshal nodded in approval.
“Captain, I still don’t have a read on new contact. What is it?” Sensors asked.
“A Drep’na inspired vision, come to life.” Roshal watched, feeling an odd sort of parental pride as Al’yosha’s experimental warship began closing the distance towards the Karcharidon at breakneck speeds. “A swift sailing vessel and ten carriage guns…” Roshal murmured the line from an old Vaasconian poem from the ancient Age of Sail. She had heard Cal’rada had succeeded in petitioning the Navy to build her dream-ship, burning every favor and passing out favors to any and everyone to see the program through. Now, there she was, standing on the bridge bearing down on a ship twice her size, but if the rumors were true, only half her guns.
“Ma’am, contact is still not resolving, but IFF confirms Imperial Navy designation. An Akula Class Attack Transport. I’ve… I’ve never even heard of this class.”
“Perhaps we shall hear of them more in the future. Fortune favors the active.”
“Contact is disgorging multiple signals, moving at speeds consistent with aerospace assets.”
“That is our signal we may disengage. Comms, inform the merchant fleet that the area is secure and to begin refueling procedures. Helm, get us alongside the pirate hulk, we have people to recover. Marine, get me a runner to the MP’s, we shall need the port hangar prepared for an old tradition the Navy has regarding pirate prisoners…” Roshal commanded. The fight was over, it was time to begin the cleanup.
//////////
So… that took a while. Sorry about that.
Turns out when a combination of writer’s block, decision paralysis and LIFE hits you over the head, it becomes a touch difficult to get your shit together long enough to write something down.
On the plus side, we are out of the “unplanned bits” and right back into the parts I have brainstormed, so I won’t be staring at a screen trying to think how to make things connect as much anymore. On the other hand, that means we are now entering the epilogue of book 1 of Top Lasgun.
Don’t worry, the story isn’t ending, I’ve got “three” books plotted out in my head, so we’ll see how that shakes out, but for the most part, this is where I start wrapping up plot threads, laying down threads for what comes next, and all that other good stuff.
So yeah, next chapter is going to involve everyone wrapping up what happened here, some fun little Military Justice, and potentially a bunch of plot. Also, I’m planning on starting a “rewrite”/edited version of this to go up on AO3, so keep an eye out for that. Early installment weirdness is a bitch and I’m not proud of what the older stuff looked like.
Well, I hope you have a wonderful morning, afternoon or evening whenever you read this and I will see you next chapter.
[NEXT CHAPTER]

(*I did my makeup here but used FaceApp for the skin and hair!)
I was raised conservative and Christian. I even went to a private Christian high school. I had written a very dark poem that I don’t even remember what it said…but I do remember how I accidentally left it in class and someone anonymously turned it in which triggered a meeting w me, my parents and the principle. My dad was so upset that my mom was so sad that I learned early on to “keep up appearances”.
Some of the usual suspects: Sneaking into moms shoes at a young age, when older I was sneaking into my sisters wardrobes. When one got married, I hated what I was wearing and was so envious of her wedding dress. I played video games as female characters (and still do even at 53 now). I was jealous of the cheerleaders in high school, as an adult I almost always went as a female character for Halloween like Elsa from frozen, Supergirl or Alice in Wonderland…the list goes on.
It was probably that last costume listed that I started thinking it was more than just cross dressing. I remember coming home from that and crying (again, adult) as I didn’t want to take that look off my face. I didn’t know it at the time but that was gender dysphoria.
I rarely dated as although I liked women and still do, there was something different in how I’d relate with them. I pushed things down, binged and purged clothes and makeup more than I can remember. Eventually about 20 yrs ago I started almost exclusively going out with women who were trans. I know there are a lot of creepy chasers out there but in my case, looking at all the signs over the years, I was clearly trying to see THEIR life, and sadly kind of live my life vicariously through them I guess. I even ended up marrying a woman that is trans and still am after five years. She knew about my background beforehand but I was still trying to convince myself and her that it was just sporadic cross dressing.
At my work, I am allowed to wear nail polish and at first I felt paranoid about this and only did a few days a week and by now it’s pretty much 24/7 where I often forget I’m even wearing it. My dysphoria starting shooting up drastically then and I suddenly started really (allowing?) getting jealous of women’s clothes and body shapes. I’d feel awful about it but it was and is relentless. Around this time my wife was getting breast implants and I found myself happy for her but almost immediately I got extremely envious. Once again the person I married was essentially living the life I wish I started DECADES ago and I hadn’t even started HRT. I wouldn’t allow myself to even consider it.
Well there was an unrelated crisis months ago where we both went into individual therapy. And one thing, the main thing, that came out of mine is that to no surprise at all getting diagnosed with gender dysphoria.
I have an appointment that was made MONTHS ago (Florida, enough said) and it’s finally a week away as of tomorrow. To say that I am excited, scared, worried and so many other adjectives is a huge understatement. I’m not going to chicken out but man my wife and I will likely be getting divorced (still be friends) and my family still doesn’t even know as they will likely be blindsighted. I predict my mom will cry and my older sister will get mad but maybe I’m wrong. My brother cut me off five years ago when he found out I was marrying someone trans. The one person in my family who DOES know this about me is my younger sister who I’m closest to. Fortunately she and I are the same politically and culturally.
Have any of you that are on HRT actually waited a certain number of months (or even a year or more?) to tell family so that you could tell how it was making you feel mentally while on it so you could know 100% you weren’t one of the rare people that STOPS taking HRT? I just don’t know when and how to break something so life changing to them. And they are in California so I can’t exactly have a face to face meeting unfortunately. Did any of you get on a video call and tell your mom or dad? My younger sister has agreed to support me in this way if I do it when she is available to be at my moms for a call. Originally I was going to call May 1. Then I thought day of the first injection on May 20…but again now I’m wondering if I should wait at least two or three months to see how I’m feeling and looking. But I’m also afraid if I wait too long that they will next see me and I will look androgynous or something. I don’t usually see them more than once every 2-3 years and I will likely look VERY different by then.
Thank you for those that made it to the end of this, I’m sorry it was so long. I’m very excited but very stressed about all the likely fallout from this too. I can only hope that because I had married someone who is trans that they don’t think she suddenly made me this way but instead that maybe it will soften the shock with it being closer in the family than a transgender daughter in law or sister in law when they essentially always had another daughtesister in our family.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/WingsOfFire/s/cEBdWfjUbB
My last post criticized Tui’s shallow writing and lack of notable improvement throughout the series. This post is meant to be the constructive half of my criticism by posing 39 queries and ideas that would help make the world of Wings of Fire feel more substanced, varied, distinct, and nuanced.
Since I received comments on my previous post about fanfiction and its capacity to add depth to a franchise, feel free to steal any of these ideas and write about them. Or, if you’ve got any good ideas that you’re willing to share, comment them below. Let’s craft some stories worth telling.

1. SeaWings hunt sharks solo as a part of their coming-of-age rite.
   
2. RainWing names are chosen by the grandmother.
   
3. RainWings value music. All dragonets are taught musical instruments as a necessary part of their curriculum.
   
4. The IceWing kingdom is divided into territories each ruled by a lady. Dragons who have done an exceptional service to the crown may be awarded a territory.
   
5. The IceWing Assembly is composed of the aforementioned territorial rulers. Membership is hereditary. The Assembly runs some of the day-to-day business of the kingdom by reviewing legislature, managing affairs of public interest, and advising the queen. However, they can also check the power of the queen by forming coalition against her and blocking or passing laws.
   
6. An IceWing princess needs to do more than just kill her mother to gain the throne, or she may not keep it for long: she must also make allies and supporters within the Assembly. An unpopular queen may find it difficult to exercise her power with a reticent Assembly.
   
7. NightWings like composing riddles and poems; it is a favored pastime. They would gather in groups and make games out of guessing riddles, constructing verse, and engaging in friendly competition.
   
8. There are few to no trees on the island, a scarcity of animals, and the NightWings don’t trade; thus they have taken to molding clay tablets, carving into them with a stylus, and firing them in a kiln to harden. parchment is as rare and coveted as gold.
   
9. NightWings were known historically for their metallurgy, so advanced that it seemed mystical to other tribes. Legends speak of their immunity to and mastery over fire, their ability to mold metals with their talons, and the magic associated with metalcraft.
   
10. The NightWings invented Damascus steel, which allowed them to forge weapons of exceptional quality. Knowledge of its craft was kept a tribe secret, and the NightWings kept their monopoly on it for thousands of years until Darkstalker forced the NightWings to flee their homeland, and the art was forgotten.
    
11. Why is the royal challenge so prevalent across tribes? Why can only females challenge? How did it begin in the first place?
    
12. The MudWing royal family employs seniority succession, in which the throne is passed to the monarch’s younger sibling and not their children. Both male and female royalty can rule.
    
13. SandWing inheritance is a type of matrilineal system in which a male’s possessions are handed to his sister’s sons.
    
14. What is the currency of the dragon world? Is it based on a gold standard? Does each tribe employ its own currency, is there a universal currency, or is there both an international and local currency for each tribe?
    
15. A NightWing is not given a name at birth; it is earned through their extended family and friends.
    
16. MudWings forge coins with a hole in the center, allowing them to string ropes of coins along their necks.
    
17. The HiveWing takeover of the LeafWings was subtle and gradual: the LeafWing queen remained in power as a puppet and the tribe did not formally integrate with the HiveWings, instead existing as a vassal state. Over time, they lost theirs rights and power.
    
18. Firebreathing tribes consider the ability a divine gift and a powerful kind of magic. It allowed dragonkind to ascend their animal states, purge the scavengers, and become civilized peoples who cook their food, build advanced infrastructure, and produce all kinds of advanced technologies. Firebreathing dragons consider themselves inherently superior to non-firebreathers, blessed with a divine right. Fire is associated with truth, clarity, and expansion of the mind.
    
19. When a LeafWing hatches, he is given a protective necklace made of silver, meant to ward evil spirits. He grows up within a cohort of same-sex dragonets who work and learn together. Adulthood is not marked by age, but by initiation, which can only occur when the right signs are read in the natural world. A dragon 100 years of age would still be considered a dragonet, and unable to choose a mate, if he has not been initiated.
    
20. When a HiveWing hatches, he is presented to the family matriarch, who formally decides whether to accept him into the family.
    
21. Tribeless dragons reject the kingdoms. Lone wolves or pack hunters, they roam the continent in small bands, sometimes coexisting with the tribes, sometimes coming into conflict, and often selling their services as messengers or mercenaries.
    
22. Why are all the tribes so isolated? Why do they not engage in international trade?
    
23. Trade guilds are made up of tribeless dragons who have found a lucrative business in trade. Since the tribes are largely xenophobic and like to avoid each other, these guilds act as an intermediary: they roam the continent, acquiring goods from one tribe and trading them with another. From this great influx of wealth emerged two or three trade empires, geographically insignificant but titans in money-making. They’ve become so powerful that they’re forcing the kingdoms to compete economically in new ways.
    
24. Do dragons have access to banking institutions? Do they take out credit or write checks? Does an international banking service exist?
    
25. How about a postage system? Domestic, international, or both? How would it work?
    
26. SeaWings believe in reincarnation, and that deceased family members will hatch into the same family over and over. When a dragonet hatches, he is examined for any resemblance to a deceased family member, and may be named after said dragon.
    
27. The RainWings’ most lucrative trade is in spices and herbs.
    
28. Do dragons pay taxes?
    
29. Why is there no form of gender or class stratification in any tribe besides HiveWings and SilkWings? If only females can become monarchs, does this matriarchal mindset extend anywhere else in society? Are families matrilineal? Do females have rights or privileges over males?
    
30. On that note, why are there no gender roles either?
    
31. What sorts of jobs exist with a kingdom? How would a carnivorous diet affect livelihood, economy, and society?
    
32. Brittlescale is a condition which may arise due to undernourishment or malnutrition. Signs of the ailment include dull, malformed scales, scales that crack easily, and loose scales.
    
33. Dueling is a common method of defending and proclaiming one’s strength and honor. Just as princesses challenge queens, common dragons will duel to prove their worth.
    
34. How do dragons understand medicine and the body?
    
35. SilkWing traditional garments are made of silk. Silk is one of the most precious and coveted products in the kingdom.
    
36. Spiders feature heavily in SilkWings culture and mythology as craftsmen and weavers.
    
37. SandWing venom is a neurotoxin. It can be drawn from the tail, distilled to increase its potency, applied to weapons, or made into a powder. Alternatively, it can be diluted into a drug used in anxiety medication and to treat insomnia.
    
38. Do dragons modify their bodies? Do they wear piercings, tattoos, or body paint?
    
39. How have dragons evolved over 2000 years? What biological, social, cultural, religious, political, economic, and technological advancements or regressions have taken place?
    

Edit: to the replies commenting that many of these have already been mentioned in the books and that I should’ve finished them: I should clarify that I was trying to prompt the sort of thinking that would lead to deeper worldbuilding. Instead, I have committed the same failure which I accused of Tui, that being to sketch and to prod but never to define or populate. I realize now that I should’ve selected fewer entries and expanded on them thoroughly to prove my point. I apologize.

the problem gets solved
slowly because you allow it to get solved
but even patience
needs hurrying along
sometimes
new heights of catholic bizarreness with a touch of paedophilia
i’ve seen a lot of things on the web, in its class this has to be the most extreme, rather amusing in its way
years ago in auckland , new zealand, i remember reading about this murder, no idea that he was a well known poet or the backstory
hai zi’s sonnet night moon
i don’t think you can be a good poet without a sense of injury
my rewrite:
the setting sun
striking through the trees
from a blood red lamp
everything is illuminated
in this ambiguous light
of suffering, joy, life and death
schooling cretinizes
starting with the teachers
there is nothing to be learned
not even process
all history teaches
poetry and politics don’t mix
ed. i was reading about li bai siding with the losing side in the an lushan rebellion, it was only his reputation that saved him from being executed
intersex
growing breasts
growing genitals
today’s obsession
lacks nuances
of being
.
intersex
growing breasts
growing genitals
today’s obsession
lacks nuance
about
being
the dead sea scrolls
so much fuss
about a lot of bad writing
intelligence is like everything else in having "opportunity cost", abilities in one area necessarily imply deficits in another
that is, in even high IQ’s you are also measuring disability
IQ only measures one type of intelligence and in fact i don’t think intelligence can be reduced to a score
i couldn’t even do an intelligence test now, my brain rebels at that sort of computation
in twenty years we are going to be nothing but a society shredded by the weight of side-effects from drugs; medical, psychiatric and otherwise
“ Use of amphetamines and atomoxetine had a higher risk for angle closure glaucoma, while use of methylphenidate was associated with a higher risk for open angle glaucoma
Given the prevalence of ADHD medication use (medically and recreationally), our current data on their associated risk of glaucoma have profound public health implications ”
good fiction ties itself to the way reality works even if its "magical realism"
poor quality fiction is utterly decoupled in this respect, egregious examples have to be propaganda and "dramas"
"it was unstoppable, like herpes on a lithuanian prostitute"
a finnish saying, apparently the trope for a woman from an ex-soviet country is a prostitute
if you look at their history you can see why they don’t like the russians
ninja
asian fantasy
the individual victorious against
coercive group think
death
is beyond
remedy
thinking
rearranges priorities
slowly
philosophers are crazy
mind games
word games
the vagaries of definition
simple cogency is not looked for
rather deemed inadequate
not finding what they are looking for
they waste their lives uselessly
waves of the sea lapping on the shore
has more meaning
creeps
make jokes
about
dead
mothers
saying something about nothing
the problem is
they interpenetrate
up on the hill
working on the water tank
voices carried in the wind
in the distance
two women on horses
ed. its really just to capture that hearing something and not understanding the source, then a bit later seeing where the voices come from
its very minimal which i think is "zen"
.
up on the hill
working on the water tank
voices carried in the wind
in the distance
two women on horseback
"decoherence" and "emergence" are relatively new concepts in physics and and basically on one side you have things being very simple and on the other you have the complexity and uncertainty of the real world and in between you have a mixing of things up so the simplicity is lost/decohered and replaced by opacity/emergence as to what is happening
i was looking at some quotes from emily dickinson’s letters to susan gilbert (her one time lover and sister-in-law) and they are conventional in the main, but one poem sticks out as indicating she really had a different head on her shoulders
show me eternity and i will show you
memory —
both in one package lain
and lifted back again —
be sue — while i am emily —
be next — what you have ever been —
infinity
love
separated
doesn’t last
we don’t take the lesson
look further and farther appears
when
it wasn’t there before
.
look further and further appears
when
it wasn’t there before
mRNA vaccines can alter our DNA
dr. julian fidge
i must use my keyboard a lot because i wear out letters, but rather than replacing the keyboard (microsoft) i now overwrite them with pink nail polish using relatively thick strokes taking up the whole pad and sometimes even over the edges
robots of flesh
humans
perhaps something else intervenes
it does
charlatans
take two
the deceiver
and deceived
one at least has the benefit of honest gain
the other broken shards of a dream
who is who ?
ed. giacomo casanova who was a hustler of timeless stature said : to deceive a fool is to revenge intelligence and in my view he is right because the nature of the injury to the victim is non-repairable so the focus has to be not being fooled rather than some falsely benign view of the universe where wrongs are supposedly righted today’s cultural glorification of victimhood is itself a form of con artistry giving permission to that endemic dissembling, now so normal, especially in gen X, you can’t talk to a young person without being awash in highly skilled manipulation and targeted deceit
carlo rovelli gives a much better explanation of nagarjuna than the usual religious obfuscation (translators usually try to fit him to every paradigm going) “ what is useful in nagarjuna is the idea that its better to think of the world not as entities or substance or matter that has its own properties, but only through the interdependence of things
everything is empty in the sense of not having an intrinsic reality, this emptiness is the foundation of everything — but that’s a view which is itself empty in a sense ”
i would put it a bit differently, that there is always some context that can’t be escaped and this is the background for existence, that non-existence is a type of existence as well as existence being a type of non-existence
gen Z, missionaries for their churches of one, not even a quorum to be formed to schism
synthesizing nonsense to make more nonsense
i have long since ceased to think the world is sane

From a now unavailable blog post.

I AM NOT ALONE, KRSNA IS ALWAYS WITH ME

(2 MAY , 2014)
I felt alone many times in my life until I discovered that Lord Krishna has always been with me and He loves me completely. He has always been my true benefactor and shelter , it took me very long to realize this. Had I known this earlier, I would not have to go through the bouts of loneliness that I felt deep within my heart. Rather in the awareness of His comforting presence as the Supersoul within my heart, I would have been blissful. Better Late than never. Coming to the path of Bhakti – The path of eternal love I learned that Krishna has never abandoned me.
He says in the Bhagavad Gita verse 14.4 ” He is the Father of all living entities” and in verse 15.15, He says “I am seated in everyone’s heart”. Being the father He fully loves all His children even if some children like me had forgotten that He is my real father. And by always accompanying me wherever I went- He is my true friend. Not aloneHe was there with me in all my previous births and has accompanied me even in the body I currently reside in. There were times I felt lonely and disconnected in spite of being surrounded by many people and having many well wishers. I would feel lonely in difficult times, in spite of having the support of well meaning friends and relatives. During the good times and moments of personal happiness I felt lonely in spite of having many dear and close friends to celebrate with.I felt frustrated with such feelings and did not understand why in spite of having loving parents , loving brothers and sisters , a loving husband and many true relationships why I felt lonely.
Feel your loneliness deeply
However over time I came to appreciate the loneliness I felt. Instead of trying to drown away my feelings of loneliness , I learned how to deeply feel them , know them and also really feel how terrible it felt being lonely. That reminds me of a poem by Hafiz:

Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender,
My need of God Absolutely Clear.

Every time I allowed my loneliness to cut me deep, the way Hafiz has said- it allowed me to explore how even in happy moments with everything and everyone going for me, the loneliness was still there and none of the things of the world could fill it. Learning how to deeply feel my loneliness, how bottomless it felt and how much I did not like feeling lonely-it made me stronger in my search for the real thing, the thing that could fill that bottomless pit. It was a silent search , an non-verbal continuous search in my head that I wasn’t even aware of. When I read about Lord Krishna that He is seated in everyone’s heart and He is the father of all living entities and He never leaves us even for a moment, I was immediately attracted to Him. It made me feel peaceful. I felt like a person who saw an oasis after being thirsty for so long.
The God shaped void in our heart
Feelings of loneliness drives people to drugs, anger and alcohol so that they can numb those feelings. A woman maybe surrounded by her children, parents, in laws, husband and still feel lonely and unloved. The loneliness is actually a God shaped void in our heart.It can only be filled by the presence of Lord Krishna and not by the things of this world. Bodily relationships, satisfaction from mundane material achievement and all other things satisfy the wants of our various bodily designations, but do not satisfy the need of the soul.
The 7th verse of the siksastakam says:

yugayitam nimesena caksusa pravsiyatam
sunyayitam jagat sarvam govinda virehena me

O Govinda! Feeling Your separations I am considering a moment to be like twelve years or more. Tears are flowing from my eyes like torrents of rain, and I am feeling all vacant in the world in Your absence

My story is very but I will try and keep it brief. My uncle (let’s call him Nick) comes across as a very excited happy and humble person but I think he’s far from it behind the scenes. For reference he’s not really my uncle we are not related in any way but I call him this out of respect in my culture.
I lived with Nick and his wife for 3 years and the reason is because my step father had told me and my sister he could no longer look after us and so my sister went to university and I went to live with Nick and his wife.
Now I move in with them at 16, and they already had this pre-determined thought of me before coming in. I was this bad girl and mid behaved teenager. And that was because of Nick wife’s sister (Maggie). Maggie was very abusive towards me and my sister and I retaliated by trying to run away from her and calling social services. Non of which worked.
When moving in with Nick and his wife they sat me down and told me some rules, I don’t remember all of them but some were. 1) they will not be waking me up to go to school (I never expected them to anyways). 2). I have to get my own way to school and shouldn’t be expected to be picked up but there were some others I don’t remember.
Nick in particular was very hard on me. He told me I should not persue my goal of becoming a journalist/ writer because he thought it didn’t suit me, and used my not so great grades in English as a means to say I should stop having this as a goal. I regret giving this up and still write poems and things when I can. He said I was too quiet to be a journalist and a journalist should be able to ask more questions.
He told my sister not to persue law for the exact same reason.
I remember when I studying and got a bad grade, I was really sad and Nick told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Most of the time I was really sad and he found it irritating. I was also very insecure and thought I wasn’t attractive or a good person and wanted to be alone of the time. Nick told me that men don’t like women who are insecure and said I had to work on that if I ever want to be in a relationship.
Nick seems to also be quite manipulative. During lockdown, I eventually got into a relationship (with my current husband) and there was a pastor that found out that my boyfriend at the time wasn’t a born again Christian and forced me to end the relationship otherwise I was going to hell. The pastor then called Nicks wife (now ex wife) and told her and she ended up disowning me. I ended my relationship and went back to their house and things were not good. The wife was treating me so harshly, she would avoid me and at one point when she was doing laundry there was some of my clothes in the basket washed and barged in my room and threw my clothes on the floor and left. Nick knew the atmosphere was off and didn’t talk or ask me about it and all I wanted to do was run away.
Although me and my then boyfriend broke up we still talked and him and my friends told me that I needed to leave the house. So I went to see my friends every weekend (leaving Friday and coming back Sunday). And Nick at the time was starting to get manipulative with me constantly wanting to go and see my friends in London on the weekend. ( for the record I was 22 I had just geaduated during lockdown which no one celebrated me in the family. I’m also very introverted so I would go to my friends and we would watch a movie and hang out in the park, parties and drinking are not my thing).
Nick would often tell me “if I was you I wouldn’t go.” “You’re going to the beach? I heard it’s really crowded I wouldn’t go if I were you”. His son (who is very attached to me ) also did the same thing. The son would say things like “Do you love me? If you love me you’ll stay”. I don’t see what the issue was. I home 5 days I leave to see my friends for 2 days and come back. When I’m at home they don’t spend time with me. I’m always in my roo and when I’m not theyre at the neighbors house or the neighbours are at our house and they’re busy.
Nick also said that I shouldn’t get a job yet and to just stay home and help him with his son and looking after his so and the house. This was because he was getting a divorce and his wife did those things.
I had forcibly just ended my relationship and was severely depressed (it was my first relationship and no one seemed to care how I was).
Also I eventually left home and found a job and place for myself and cut everyone off. After two years I spoke to Nick and explained the reason I was depressed was because I was abused and had a neglectful step father . Nick said that the abuser and step dad did all that they could and did their best. The man supported them.
Overall I felt very horrible around Nick. He was a Christian who would boast to people about how he’s letting me move into his home to help me and he’s the best guy. Also, Nick is now newly married and his new wife has two kids. Recently, he told me without asking me that he’s put his new wife’s daughter on my Netflix and gave her my password and created a profile for her without asking me first.
Not only that but Nick works for a big company, when I was teen I asked him if I could get work experience there and he pretty much said no. He said he wasn’t sure that he could that and never even asked his work. But for the son of his new wife (who is extremely rude) he was able to get him work experience where he works.
Nick told me he had given up on my sister and him and his ex wife would say they could never love me and my sister unconditionally.
I should probably add that the reason I was unsure is because there were times he wasn’t always bad. And out of everyone I know in my toxic famuly he was the only one was seemed to sort of understand. I guess I’m just afraid of not having anyone.
So, should I cut Nick off?
Also his son is 8 years old and saw me as an older sister and I care for his son as a brother and sister. I’d always wanted a brother growing up.

Finally gotta to write my thoughts during like late February to early March. But maybe as time goes by, I forget some cuz I remember they were at least 12 chapters (Still be editing)
1
On the Fear of Death
Rabindranath Tagore
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield
but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant me that I may not be a coward,
feeling your mercy in my success alone;
but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.
2 My parents are just very toxic, I'll make a complain of it and along with my hate to my homeland which I call it as land of Sodom. And actually my hatred towards Sodom ofc not just these words could describe, it would be books, endless
i) A small part of the conversation with a German dude who I mistook as a woman
And it was on Nov 18
Me Haha, when I was little I saw a high school chemistry textbook and was fascinated by the beautiful crystals (or more literally, whether they were ores or gems) and wanted to study chemistry, which wasn't guided by my father, as chemistry is not a lucrative profession in China. I then saw a romance novel in my middle and high school years where the hero and heroine were aiming at learning for being perfumers in the future, so I was still mesmerized by that and wanted to study chemistry again haha. To be honest, chemistry is not a good choice for girls in China, and I couldn't say I haven't regretted it, but I know that changing majors is not allowed in Germany either. So I had to stick with it.
Him You're such a hopeless romantic and his reminds me of the German novel das parfume which is like the most popular contemporary German novel
I have studied pharmacy which contains a lot of chemistry too in germany
And only studying what is lucrative is what ruins peoples lifes
Me I actually graduated in 2021, but on the one hand I can only earn 3000€ a year working here and can't save up to go to Europe (my parents wouldn't agree with that), and on the other hand I think too highly of myself and I don't like to talk about boring topics with shallow people, so I can't actually continue my job. Also, lack of a master's degree is getting harder and harder to get a job in China nowadays. Furthermore I have another thing I'm very afraid of, which is that I'm afraid my controlling parents will look back and see that I can't get into grad school nor can I find a job or even if I do find a job, force me to get married haha and I don't want to be with someone I look down on, I'm actually originally a radical feminist since December in 2021, and I've said before in my own family, "Whether it's black, white or yellow, males are all masters and I don't want any of them". (My mind and thoughts have been poisoned by romance novels and fanficton so I've restarted having good expectations to men again since May this year... I'm really losing sense and poisonous hahaha) If I don't have a degree and with I'm not beautiful enough, I'm just worthless in society and I won't be able to find any good ones. In short, I need to go to graduate school in China to save myself from a miserable life that I can see at a glance already.
And some words could be seen as footnotes I have mentioned to you before
Of course I want to leave, I wanted to leave in 2021. But after trying to work, I can only earn about 3,000 euros a year here, that's all I have right now, and I've calculated that my family doesn't even have more than 150,000 euros combined (because I'm a girl, my parents never tell me how much properties my family has, and are very disdainful of me for wanting to know that). Our wages here are even as low as 2 euros per hour with two days off a month, and I used to have a job with six days off a month. My parents wouldn't give me money to leave China either, they don't agree that I have feminist ideas in my brain. Also, I'm their only child and they say they're afraid I'll die abroad, yes, they think the West is full of dangers and believe every day that the view is unique, safe and beautiful here when one look at the world. All I can hope for is that I might be able to get into grad school, save up in the meantime, go to Europe to continue my education or just work, and then of course I want to live there forever.
Lazy to check, maybe there exist problem of grammar and usage 🤣
Hahaha told a lot of people I am radical feminist 🤣In my home country, feminists already be seen as crazy and rebellious, not to mention I am radical
[And there I attached a screenshot of my talk with my first Estonian friend and of course when share screenshots with others I often cut the avatar and username off:
Me I used to be a radical feminist, which means we radical feminist in Korea and China should do 6B4T
Then let me search the English definition https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/6B4T_movement#:~:text=In%20Korean%2Dlanguage%20abbreviation%2C%20%22,refers%20to%20rejecting%20strict%20beauty
Here's it
I used to cut off my hair like man, that's what we radical feminists there suggests, remove feminine symbol from us
Him
Youre brave
I really dont know what to say
Because im a man]
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/6B4T_movement#:~:text=In%20Korean%2Dlanguage%20abbreviation%2C%20%22,refers%20to%20rejecting%20strict%20beauty
Him No it reads perfectly and if had to imagine myself in your situation I would have a similar outlook. Thank god women don't have this expectation here to get married asap and actually 23 is still considered early to start studying . I notice that in China people have to decide on their career path very early and there's not much room if you have a change of heart later on
Me You can't imagine my mother wants me to get married since I was around 18, and as girls here, as they grow up parents always taught them, must do something, or you would be scolded in in-laws' family
Him
I sense there's a lot of pressure on someone like you in your surroundings
Me My mother said, why don't you get married before study and work, start a family before building a career
Him That's just terrible. I can appreciate that you'd just want the freedom of "being your own man at your own pace" but I always had that freedom That sounds like the career of raising kids 🤔
Me She would also give me examples of people she knew around her who got married in high school and I said don't they know shame?My mom said there's no shame in getting married and having kids.Even though, my mother (she was born in '65) also got married at 32, which is considered quite late in China, especially in her era.
Him Well they can't really force you. You're not the person to let yourself be dragged Infront of the altar
Sounds like Europe 120 years ago
Me My cousin's twin babies are in bad health, then my father said, why she couldn't just quit her job, like all the people do in the past
Him Well the father could also quit his job of course
Me Also, my cousin's husband can't have children naturally, but in China, always check if it's wrong with women's bodies and blame women first, if women are all healthy, then could check the glorious men
Him Terrible , I heard about this on tv
Me So breathtaking, but average Chinese woman's life [And there I attached a screenshot of my talk with my first Estonian friend as well Him: Your life sounds like movie
Me Average Chinese woman's life
Him Now i feel guilty
Life here is luxury compared to China
Don't mean to make you jealous
Me Forget all the feminist ideas in my head and agree wholeheartedly with patriarchal and traditional culture of this land and then I would feel like many women find this life normal
No, your country and many European countries didn't do anything wrong
China always says that the countries of Europe got rich by plundering, but what have Finland, Iceland, Lithuania and many others done? Nothing.
Him: Vikings hahaha
China kind of reminds me of my parents said about days when we were with Soviet Union]
Shake my head
We all have strong heart here, or just get used to it or never felt wrong by the society's influence
Him Yeah takes a lot of courage to do your own thing but someone like you can't be happy without pursuing your own path Hey you could lead a feminist movement and piss them all off properly 👌
Me Then I will die Already exist many women here dead for this
Him: Considering the declining birthrate, istn there some change occuring already ?
Me: They promote three-children policy or actually no limits for number of children anymore, which results to women more difficult to get a job or study
Sister, I'm finally back from walking and bathing, I was worried about you worried about me got caught by authorities for saying treasonous words haha🤣
Haha, I have a wonder. Before locking the screen my screen stays on the page we are talking on, so do your messages have to be shown as read even if I don't read them?
https://insidechina.rti.org.tw/news/view/id/2072201
Here is a thing I heard of, you can read it with the help of chrome's Google translate
Him: I see, so women don't want to be birthing machines, so that policy is actually backfiring
Me: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism_in_China
Him: Are you joking or serious ? So dreadful that you can't criticise openly, but you are using VPN right ? That ought to be encrypted
I dunno I don't pay any attention to the read thing and you don't need to worry about replying fast just take your time
Me: I know about the movement of Feminist Five, in here I and some people know it as Feminist Sisters Five
No, without VPN we could still surf on this app, but even with VPN, it still without help
Him Interesting , so I guess such articles aren't usually published in China ? But on tw addresses ?
Me: Keep in mind, actually everything is under surveillance
Ah, I found it on Chrome
Him: Spooky. Do you cross the street when the lights are red ? Or is that bad for the social score ?
Me: We have radical feminists online groups, got hidden from Douban (Chinese's version of Tumblr)or actually by the authorit** Use the Internet, all is the same And I know actually the government and me use the same VPN So more dangerous But somehow actually all the same in some extent One use the Internet, you see, wifi, 4G or under who's eyes? Maybe VPS is a little more safe, but I don't know how to build it, and maybe still under watch I surf on western Internet since like 2019, Reddit since May,2022 But don't I dare say a word since this August
Him: But what's the point of China's great firewall when anyone can just circumvent like that ? Is it like a trap to catch ppl?
Me My first word is on Reddit/polandball, saying someone's work about Germany, so adorable
Not everyone
We like 1.4 billion here
No more than 0.1 billion know how to access to outside Internet
Him: Oh I see Or most people might just don't know any better ?
Me: And if stay quiet, safe or not safe, depends on the glorious' minds
Him: I see so you still gotta be careful what you write
Me: The govern-++！ment sometimes arrests people who say things that are treasonous, but it won't say the real reason, it'll say it's because someone viewed a pornographic website
Him: That's so ironic, some people here would go bonkers if pornograpghy would be restricted in any way haha
Me: So that's the reason I stay quiet until months ago I dare say some words
And I am even a little worried
For a translated some poems
One poem named The Taiwanese Bamboo Branch Song, though it was written by famous person in mainland dead in 1929
Him: But usually websites have build in Https end to end encryption and other apps as well
Me: Another poems by Taiwanese poet Luo Fu
And I called Luo Fu as Taiwanese poet
Him: I usually avoid the topic of Taiwan, I had a bad experience with someone talking about it
Me: So maybe you can see why I am very frightened
Him: Yes
Me: I am a person totally okay with Taiwan, I don't care about this awful home land at all, I think it's should be at Taiwan's wishes
self-determination and who's the group first came to the territory in history
Him: Yeah let the people decide. But it's not that easy, because nowadays elections often get influenced by outside propaganda campaigns. Trying to shift public opinion by spreading false information
Me: Haha you don't know how smart our internet security systems are
As I said, no secret if one use Internet, I think maybe it's the same all over the world
Very scared
But this "glorious" land do it the best
Him: I have some inclination, but some apps like the old telegram have strong encryptions. Or the dark net as a whole. But but apps like these
Me: I don't use telegrams, I don't trust them and Twitter
Him: I don't either, but it's possible depending on what you use
Me: Twitter has a reputation of cooperate with my home land
Him: Just purely on a technical standpoint
Me: And I don't want to use telegrams, if I stay quiet, I may be at peace
Him: For sure, musk doing business in china
Me: But what telegrams could bring me, I don't want to get involved with politics, movements I could just take care of myself Telegrams may put me in danger
Him: I mean he actual app telegram , th instant messenger Or the all signal
Me: Maybe there exist traitors or something with the au;+_+_thoriti**++es
Him: Those are used for encryption or in some countries as WhatsApp ornwechat replacement
Me: Then what's the name I wanna hear, but afraid to use G++u-&__-i Min"&-hai Maybe you knew this person already
Him The name of the app is just telegram. And with such a type of end to end encryption, it's impossible for outsiders to read. Unless your using a device, which has spyware on it.
Me: Then my phone must have spy software Even if I get an American iPhone
Him In your country ever phone has it
Me Cause we must use some apps here
Him That's the reason Huawei got banned in usa
Me WeChat Alipay lots of stuff
Him It's not just apps, but I deeply integrated on a hardware level
Me Yeah, I even prefer my privaty stolen by westerns I feel no worries about use Google or whatever
Him Yep Google and everyone else keep track of things too
Me But in China,Internet access is completely real-name, it's just that your online friends don't always know who you are, the government does And actually neitzens could find out who you are too I mentioned Human Flesh Search Engine before
Him It's the same here, but if I wanna be completely anonymous I just take a tablet to the public WiFi. Devices themselves aren't attached to names here, only isp accounts
Me Wow, sounds beyond my comprehension, indeed, I am such an uneducated person don't know what's this I will read it carefully 🤣
Him If you go into a cafe there is internet access over WiFi. So you don't have to use your own internet at home ISP means internet service provider Like VDSL or cable or something
Me 🧐😵‍💫
Him For example if you just go to the store and buy a tablet, you don't have to leave your name Or a laptop So you take his to a cafe or something and log in to the wifi No way of tracing back your name Of course if you post online, you shouldn't tell anyone your name haha
Me Hahaha thanks for your words though I am still confused but I will tell you
Him No problemo You can ask me anything
Me Before we use the app, we already hand in our identity information
We already give out our phone number, ID Card pictures even face pictures
Him What ? You mean for using hello talk ?
Me Or we couldn't use them and we couldn't choose not to use them because every app is same and we must use some apps
Hellotalk also hand in my phone number
Him That's unbelievable
Me And actually I felt use ti it
Him 🥺
Me Because it doesn't require more! But it has linked with my WeChat So still the same
Him Yeah but it's still coupled to your phone number
Me Like ID card, face verification
WeChat or Alipay, almost every one has to use for everything, and it already have our ID information
WeChat has the strongest surveillance
Him Because it's also used for payment ?
Me One can even unable send some pictures on it
Him Yeah like Winnie the Pooh pictures
Me So you don't need to provide your any information?
Him No I never did that and noone here would do it If you use paying apps you just enter credit card information
Me Going out, administration, everything in life
Him But people still prefere cash in stores And I don't wanna be forced to take my mobile phone with me when I go out
Me China always laugh at countries like Germany still use cashes. But I found so ridiculous
Him It's not backwards in my opinion. There should be ways for anonymous payments, that's so dystopic to leave your name with any transaction you do
Me Our people here say we trade privacy for convenience, but given the choice, I'd rather not have that convenience. I have deep worries about private security all the time So I seldom put my pictures, yes, not even my selfies online
Him For example if you wanna buy gold, I would do it cash. If the government is at war it could cease private investments . But only if they have the buyers name
Me I almost only put pictures on the western Internet I have searched for this a lot on Reddit or YouTube or chrome I even wrote down once haha
Him Very smart
Me But I have something weird actually, I don't want touch the money for bacteria 🤣
Him But not much use when your government uses cameras and face recognition to track your every step You're excused, my quirky sister 😉
Me Yes I know it, they knew how many phones cards you have Sorry cannot understand, need Google at once
Him That means I appreciate your apprehension . In my job many people have that feat Fear
Me Ohh How time flies, though today we only talk about heavy things haha
Him I like this, it's a lot of fun to talk with you But I'm a little scared to get you into trouble
Me Yes, so maybe I won't talk about it anymore
Him Still, so interesting to hear from a different perspective At least I have confirmation some stuff in TV is real
Me Do you heard of him?
Him Uh well I can't decipher that one , Google didn't help haha The Rona related guy ?
Me He is a "traitor", he turns into a Swedish, and have to be one of the person in Sodom again
The au*** force him to admit his crime on TV
So he became one of glorious land again
Him I didn't hear about this peticular person, but I heard about these secret foreign offices of Sodom to "get their lost children back"
Me But Sweden still admit him as one of the Swedish people I need to keep in mind I'm a traitor too
Him Hey don't say the quiet part out loud 😉
Me So I couldn't be as brave as him, I could only take care of myself at the most and at best
Hahaha
Him Yeah that person seems to have acted like a martyr indeed
Me Just only keep the letters, remove the punctuations
Him Oh I got it That confessions vid is like the first result on google
Me Hahaha, in China, we often chat with wrong words, short form or add a lot of punctuations
As you said this, my heart broke for him
Him Doesn't help at all with the ai technology of today
Me Though I never dare to watch, I know it in my mind
But if without these, we even couldn't send out some even normal (not rebellion) messages, posts, comments 🤣
Him I feel like I'm part of a spy novel , it's kind of exciting
Me Hahaha
Him Whisperwhispermumblemumble It even the average dim witted person can see that it's completely staged. Who believes that ?
Me Sigh They don't need anyone to believe maybe, they just threaten
Him Oh yes. Like Putin killing off any dissidents like prigoshin. As a warning While publically playing innocent But everyone knows what's up
Me So frightening for me, as a child, I always dream of Anarchy society or actually described by Zhuangzi https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhuang_Zhou
Him I have this too sometimes. Like a natural disaster happing , like a comet hitting earth and everyone has to fend for them selves. Public order be damned
Me But when I grow up I found Anarchy may lead disorders Just enjoy the peaceful life described by him
Him Yeah there got to be some healthy middle ground , if that's possible
Me Here's the English translations I found https://www.harinam.com/tao-te-ching-verse-80-if-a-country-is-governed-wisely-its-inhabitants-will-be-content/ I truly enjoy it a lot since I was a kid https://www.taoistic.com/taoteching-laotzu/taoteching-80.htm
Different versions of translation haha
ii)
What I wrote on Dec 28-29
They mock me for wanting to go outside
Around December in 2021. my father said "why you want to go aboard to study. What are you going abroad for?Are you going to study until you're old (which means I should get married soon, yeah in China, weirdly before going to university, young people are not encouraged to being relationship if the parents or the locals want the young people to live more and more decent life and get higher degrees. But after going to university, they will maybe push children to being relationship soon, get married even have children soon even before the career started or the university years finnished)? Study through all your life?"
Meanwhile I said, "I want to go to Europe to study or work and then live forever"
But they always mock me for want to go to Europe, and sometimes they even don't remember, mistake Germany which I used to want to go as America 🤨😵‍💫
My parents are so toxic, my mother curse me to death just because I haven't taken the clothes home at 17:47 now. She threatened to slap me.
My mother haven't slapped me in my life, my father did. He hit me several times, especially these times. He slapped me in front of everyone in class (You may not believe that a girl who was my classmate in middle school and my schoolmate in high school, who strangely, provocatively said, "I remember your dad beating you up in middle school" when we were near the examination center for the Gaokao, to which I could only reply sarcastically, " You weren't even born when he beat me up.") when I did slower than other people on exams (but I wasn't bad at Chemistry, 55/60 on the Zhongkao https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhongkao (The Junior High School Scholastic Aptitude Examination), about 70/100 on the Gaokao https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaokao#:\~:text=The%20Nationwide%20Unified%20Examination%20for,in%20early%20June%20every%20year. (The Nationwide Unified Examination for Admissions to General Universities and Colleges), and Chemistry was my strongest subject after English (124/150 in Gaokao), and I only relied on they two to just barely make it to college, because I really didn't study much in high school, I just read romance novels every day by then). And then there was the time in middle school at home when he caught me copying answers instead of doing my homework relying on myself seriously, he domesticated me so hard he slapped me that made me lose my mind at the time. There were also one time I don't remember if it was in primary school or middle school, they two my parents whipped me with belts and forced me to kneel, and so that I told them at the time as a result I hated that I am not an orphan, I should better be. As I type these words, there are tears in my eyes. I probably have mental issues because of them. [I'm a woman maybe need therapy, but I'll honestly tell you, if I see therapy, it would be a big thing in China, hard to get a job like civil servant https://zh.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%85%AC%E5%8B%99%E5%93%A1 or other decent jobs, important exams
Believe me, what I say is 100% true, cuz if see some Psychologist or psychotherapy that will be in record documents, and will be regarded as abnormal or person with mental disorder
There must be many people in China with mental health problems, but we can't even see the doctor, cuz if we do, we may even can't enter some good schools
since we born, our life is full of competition and fighting
And parents, spoil us or treat us whatever very toxicly, traditional Asian especially Chinese parents
Control us)
I'll honestly say one thing, many Chinese women or girls want parents better dead. Because not only were our parents toxic, but even if we were the only daughter, because of the deep-rooted patriarchy here, they despised us.
Yes if one day, I want to be a good person. But I am still actually afraid of men, even I somehow close to men, but I don't want a relationship, not only because I don't want to get laid with man (I mean I am afraid of being forced) but also like something I can't tell, just afraid, many men are awful, like my father, many Chinese men though I don't want relationship with them but we Chinese men and women here are like enemies, and some men (in this term, I'm not saying the men from the homeland) manipulated me or played with my feelings
I mean I don't want to get laid with man anyway. just afraid of being forced during relationship like rape. Maybe you can't imagine, I used to think and said these to some internet Chinese friends, "I think coitus is a disgusting thing, like bestiality, the subjugation or conquer of a man to a woman, and I feel a deep anger about it", (It's a hatred as if I was born with an anger towards coitus. This could be due to the astrology chart of the moment I was born holds Mars square Pluto. For this I had seen a quite astonishingly good but long text in 2017, and I translated it myself https://www.reddit.com/Mathilde_Soliloquy/comments/191mc51/mars_square_pluto/ with the help of DeepL translator.)
and then a man said then the man you have a relationship will find others outside, cuz man can't tolerate it
I argued with my parents just now
My father said "if you're keeping bubbling nonsense, I'll kick you out of house by my legs, and get off to outside better tomorrow". haha reminds me of this Chinese sister's words
My mother said if I keep the phone with me, she won't care about my business anymore, handle all my own living myself, cooking and all. That is, threaten me.
Noo just humiliate me, my father and mother said I am crazy or stimulated by something. Just like when I said I don't want a man, my parents, my relatives, people I met in China especially my neighbors in my childhood would teach me a lesson, saying are you hurt by men, then at that time I may say, why I must feel this way because hurt by man, I just hate the patriarchal society
But also exist the possibility if I don't act like obedient to them
They know full well I'm a giant baby, fragile, depent, and I'm weak now, have no ability except learning, can't live on my own at least by far, thus may think threat me like this will lead me to be obedient
Yeah as I said to that Chinese sister, if what happened to her (A Chinese girl said to me, "I've been through three love disasters. My heart is much stronger than yours. I've also been through being kicked out of my parents' house, at 9pm, crying all over the place by myself looking for a hotel, people on the street are busy with their own, my mom wants to drop me off at my hometown to my grandma, my dad mocked my mom back in case his mom would be dying from angers, there's no place for me in the home. I've been depressed, abandoned, and hurt by men. I'm sober and I don't have a relationship/romanticismic-brain, I've been hurt three times by men. Have you ever been strangled? I have, by an ex-ex-boyfriend, and I've been threatened with nude photos, and if I difmdn't take them, I'd be crazily scolded, and received cold violence."
I replied to her, "If it were me, I'd be so fragile that I'd just die." ) happens to me, I'll fragile to go to death
Crazily, my father broke into my room, lifted the covers, and said, "Hand over your phone," and then he actually went and grabbed it and smashed it on the floor, may even stomped on it with his foot. Then I argued, saying, "My primary school classmate have been playing with his phones all night since primary school, and anyone would keep their phones with them. I must have my phone with me even if I would get hit, is this some kind of electronic doorstop?" He said "These people you're talking about, what are they doing?They're all working" and I said "You can't do this even if I don't work, you two are too psycho (my mom says the one who is psycho and abnormal is me). I'm going to get a job because I can't take your control anymore." After then, I get from my bed and turn on the light to find my phone, then my father said "it's between the dishes (on the dinning table)"
I was wondering my phone can't work when he grabbed it away from me
I'm trembling now, shake my head for it
The coldness of weather, can't be able to compare the sorrow of mine, uuhhh
Uuhh let me mention a stuff, there are places like豫章书院https://zh.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E8%B1%AB%E7%AB%A0%E4%B9%A6%E9%99%A2%E4%BF%AE%E8%BA%AB%E6%95%99%E8%82%B2%E4%B8%93%E4%BF%AE%E5%AD%A6%E6%A0%A1, Yuzhang Academy Self-cultivation Education School, that some places parents send disobedient children for "treatment", such as seclusion or electric shocks, extremely cruel physical punishment, in which the children sometimes have to report each other in order to survive there..., and some of them commit suicide
Though they may don't send me, I believe they must think of these things, Sometimes when they feel I am disobedient they said they'd send me to mental hospitals, though it may not be not out of their hearts but threats
Yeah it's no matter about the age, parents control children till to death. And I believe in places like that, must be many adults, no need to ensure
In this situation, I no longer have the heart to like men, I have to become independent and rely on myself for survival as soon as possible, and I realize how horrible my life is and that if I don't struggle to leave them, I wi surely be forced to go on blind dates and marry man I don't like and I despise
They've, at least my mother wanted me to get married as soon as possible since I was18, wait, even earlier or after entering the university, 17
Parents control children like this is a common thing in China, sigh*
It's not a civilized place anyway
On Dec 30, "Yeah today my father hit the door, by then I was afraid of being slapped or beat up He rapped on the door with his hand while crazily yelling at me So since childhood, when someone gets loud, my mind goes blank Yeah thanks God haven't beat me up recently Already so frightened by them, whenever simply their voices are loud, my frigh even turns to this degree"
When I was about 8, one day my mother picked me up from school by bicycle, and I wiggled my feet, and the ankle of my left foot touched the bicycle chain and was stirred in, at that time I saw blood and white bones but I didn't dare to say anything because I was so afraid of my mother, thanks to a stanger - a grandpa behind us who said that the child's foot was stirred into the bicycle, but my mother always said that there was no such old grandpa and that it was she who couldn't pedal the bicycle and found out that on her own. Then my foot had to be stitched up with a needle a dozen times. But I haven't cried over that, and I didn't shed a single tear when I was 4 when I ran while playing but fell on a large pile of glass, resulting in a scar on my left temple. Having said that I have quite a lot of trauma on my body, I was in a vehicle accident in 2010's or 2011's (damn I can't even remember though I have a good memory I think more likely 2010) January, that resulted in an intracranial fracture and bleeding in my right ear for a week (my parents used to tell me not to talk to people about this lest they think you have a problem with your brain). I'm really terrified of traffic because of this, even standing at a five-way or intersection I get vertigo and feel like I'm going to drown from all the vehicles speeding past me. So not to mention driving a car, I can't even drive and don't want to learn how to drive a battery-operated bike, and I even seem to have gotten a little scar on my leg from a fall I took on a battery-operated bike between summer and fall this year. I can ride a bike at the most, but I haven't ridden one in at least nine years I guess. And when I was around 11 I tripped over a brick because the power went out in the street and I couldn't see the road, and I broke three of my incisors in some degree, how can I put it, I don't have any good teeth, I think it may be due to food safety issues of my country.
iii)
When I was in high school, I guess when I was aroud 15, my father jokingly used a swear word he learned from one of neighbors on me, "当婊子还要牌坊 https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E7%89%8C%E5%9D%8A Be a prostitute yet still wants to build up a paifang [It is a building erected in feudal society to honour meritorious achievements, success in Imperial examination https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imperial_examination, benevolent gover, as well as loyalty and filial piety, and here it refers to the Paifang of Chastity.]". I am a person still haven't touched any man's hands by far and I didn't do anythinf wrong, then he used this kind of sentence to me. And he then asked me to accept his apology with two hundred RMB, which I had to accept because if I did not he might even get annoyed of shame and lose his temper even beat me up.
So sometimes when people like neighbors from my childhood, persuade me go to marriage (cuz at that time I didn't want), saying your father treat you so nice and you must can find someone like your father, ewwwwww, it's so disgusting, my father is so disgusting, beat me up, inslut me, I don't want man from my homeland at all
And my parents like my mother won't admit it, she said "I've been with your father so many years, he hasn't said any words like to me, how could it happen? That must be your imagination“
Tho I still have conscience in thinking they raised me up
iv) [Labor Law of the People's Republic of China
Chapter 4 Working Hours, Rests, and Leaves
Article 36 The State shall practise a working hour system wherein labourers shall work for no more than eight hours a day and no more than 44 hours a week on the average.
(Actually we work way more than this)
Article 38 The employer shall guarantee that its labourers have at least one day off a week.]
In my home province the minimum hourly wage is divided into four levels,21,20,19,18RMB (at this moment, 1 Euro = 7.77 Chinese Yuan, aka RMB),and in the current province I live it's 24,22,20. I used to have a temporary job in my town that was two days off a month,and my parents said why you can't do it as someone else is doing it,and I remember the hours of that job started at about 7:30am, besides, there was a man in that job who purposely tried to put a hot stamp drop on my legs.
So getting a job in China with two days off on the weekend is kind of considered a luxury, and one of my previous jobs had six days off a month.
And now I don't lay my eyes on jobs without two days off on the weekend.
v) https://weibo.com/1648736703/4955740219901047 Classic manly "let me test you". If it were me, even if I did have to speak German, I'd be practicing to be fluent before I'd have the nerve to say it in public, let alone record a video of it, and this man even sells English lessons. As some people said in the comments section, " There are so many women in China whose talent does not match their position, and even if they are very talented, they can only make a living at the grassroots level, and this phenomenon is rare in men, on the contrary, most of them do not have the talent to match their position. Women in this country have too few opportunities for advancement."
Addition: 天浴 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xiu_Xiu:_The_Sent_Down_Girl
It's just a tiny part of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_Revolution
And not to mention a year well known by western world

Full lyrics at the bottom, for your convenience.
I postulate that the song is about Taylor comparing herself to Emily Dickinson & envying her life.
In the first verse she says she wants to forget she’s living in the present and yearns for poetry or “something awful” instead. She seeks something real, unfiltered by polite society. This could be a reference to Seven (Before I learned civility/I used to scream ferociously/Any time I wanted”. She wants the person in front of her to turn into a “poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy”. She wants that person to have substance, to have meaning, but is bound to be disappointed because, as the title of the song indicates, she hates it here, and will therefore likely hate him.
She goes on to say: “You see, I was a debutante in another life, but now I seem to be scared to go outside”. Emily Dickinson was a known recluse who would sometimes not leave her house for years on end. The term debutante also evokes the Victorian era in which Dickinson lived.
In the chorus, the says she hates it “here”, I believe that “here” is the present and that she feels stuck in the modern world, which is devoid of poetry and of love and privacy. So, she escapes to “secret gardens” in her mind where she is free to be herself and dream. It could also be a Betty reference; she dreams of being kissed in the garden. There is also a (glorious) kiss scene in the TV show Dickinson, between Emily & Sue. She then mentions a book she read as a “precocious child”, and I wonder if it isn’t “Hope Is The Thing With Feathers” the collection of poems by Emily Dickinson. Dickinson was particularly fond of nature and thus wrote a lot about it.
Taylor says that she spends “most of the year” in her secret garden, because she cannot bear to think about “mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears”. The hopes and fears here, I believe, represent the societal expectations (aka get married to a man & the fear is homophobia) she’s desperate to escape.
In the (now infamous, TikTok is ablaze the masses of people hating on it) second verse, she mentions her youth/the past and the vision she has of the past. “My friends used to play a game where/ We would pick a decade/ We wished we could live in instead of this/ I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists/ And getting married off for the highest bid”. In an ideal world she would want to live in the decade of Emily Dickinson’s birth; but she is conscious of the hurdles this would present. She knows the past is just as flawed as the present. “If I'd been there, I'd hate it/ It was freezing in the palace”. I think it’s interesting she brings out that marriage was tied to a “bid” then, and that this is one of the reasons she would hate it, too. Since bearding contracts include financial compensation, too. (“One for the money, two for the show”, as per Champagne Problems states.)
Emily Dickinson’s love affair with her sister-in-law lasted well into Sue’s marriage with Emily’s brother, Austin (I just know Taylor loves the fact that their brothers have the same name). I’d say that it’s because Susan was married that their relationship could last so long without any public repercussions. In a sense, marriage was a form of liberation as much as it was a form of imprisonment for queer women. In the same way that a bearding contract now allows Taylor to have privacy and freedom whilst restricting her public persona to a hetero-centric viewpoint. But unlike Emily, Taylor does not have a Sue at her side.
Taylor might therefore envy Emily, because she got to have a relationship that lasted for decades, whereas Taylor, who lives in the modern world where she could technically get married to a woman, cannot even have a relationship with one.
Let’s go back to the song. In the second version of the chorus, she dreams of leaving the planet entirely because she wants to escape ours. She dreams of a place where “only the gentle survived”. I interpret this as her wanting a safe, queer-friendly place where she can be free to be herself. This place is so important to her that she says she dreamt of it on “the night I felt like I might die”, which is possibly a reference to her failed 2019 coming-out and the Scooter Braun drama.
In the bridge she admits she’s lonely and bitter, but swears she’s “fine”, even though the entire song is littered with negative connotations. She’s either lying to herself or to us. I think it’s both. The line “I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life” tells us that she has no plans to come out anymore, she’ll save her queerness for herself, to protect it. “This place made me feel worthless”. She feels she lost value because she is queea poet.
In the lines “And in my fantasies, I rise above it/And way up there, I actually love it”, she tells us that what she dreams of whilst she’s in her secret garden is that she rises above the noise/homophobia and gets to live her life to its fullest.
Anyway, this is a pretty quick analysis of the song, so if you have any other thoughts or comments you’d like to add, feel free!
[Verse 1]
Quick, quick, tell me something awful
Like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy
Tell me all your secrets, all you'll ever be is
My eternal consolation prize
You see, I was a debutante in another life, but
Now I seem to be scared to go outside
If comfort is a construct, I don't believe in good luck
Now that I know what's what
[Chorus]
I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind
People need a key to get to, the only one is mine
I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child
No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears
I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here
I hate it here
[Verse 2]
My friends used to play a game where
We would pick a decade
We wished we could live in instead of this
I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists
And getting married off for the highest bid
Everyone would look down 'cause it wasn't fun now
Seems like it was never even fun back then
Nostalgia is a mind's trick
If I'd been there, I'd hate it
It was freezing in the palace
[Chorus]
I hate it here so I will go to lunar valleys in my mind
When they found a better planet, only the gentle survived
I dreamed about it in the dark, the night I felt like I might die
No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears
I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here
I hate it here
[Bridge]
I'm lonely, but I'm good
I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine
I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on purpose
This place made me feel worthless
Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me
And in my fantasies, I rise above it
And way up there, I actually love it
[Chorus]
I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind
People need a key to get to, the only one is mine
I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child
No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears
I'm there most of the year 'cause I hate it here
I hate it here
[Outro]
Quick, quick, tell me something awful
Like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy

When my best friend told me she got engaged, I was overjoyed, of course. I said, please let me know what I can do to help! We have been friends since we were young teenagers, and even we, as little super-feminists and gunning professionals at that age, talked a lot over the years about our weddings.
I admit, I fantasized about also being in her wedding. I even asked her, and she said she was going to see how things worked out. She recently told me my role: she asked me to do a reading during the ceremony. This felt like a wee little gut punch. I am not a particularly good public speaker, it's something literally anyone could do. There will be multiple readings. She will tell me later about my assigned script, probably a poem.
She explained that she can't have me in the wedding party because it is already too big with family - her two sisters, her future sister-in-law, a cousin she is very close to, and an older niece. Now, five ladies is a big wedding party in our circles, and I get it. This is not a big, ostentatious wedding she is planning. It's meant to be simple and low-key.
Her family is pretty tight. I know the ladies of the wedding party are already planning the bachelorette party, wedding shower, and doing all sorts of wedding prep with my lovely BFF . I keep saying: "Let me know if you and anyone need any help!" I would say I am just shy of genuinely begging to be included. I offered to do wedding dress recon with her - not the legit fittings, just browsing shops and magazines to get an idea of what she might want. The real try-ons and fitting are things she wants to do with her mom and sisters. I know giving me the reading is her way of trying to include me when she couldn't otherwise. But I feel sad—not hurt, just sad—about being bumped down to second-tier participation.
Here is the rub. BFF and have been really close for our 17 years of friendship and I consider us to be like sisters. She has two sisters, as I mentioned, but they are much older than us, and BFF has always had a complicated relationship with them. I am an only child. Until now, I feel like I did a lot of the sisterly stuff with her, not her actual sisters. They were either not around, not interested, or just too distant in other ways. I also have a very small family, it's pretty much just my parents and me. I have an uncle on either side, but one has passed away and the other one is estranged from the family. We do not keep in touch with their kids, my cousins, I always considered BFF to the next closest thing to family.
This experience made me realize how having a "found" family is kind of a fantasy, unless the other person really doesn't have blood family they are close to. When it comes down to it, the blood family will rise to the top. They will get to wear the dresses, plan the parties, they will the ones laughing together when BFF is getting make-up done and getting into her dress.
I don't think my friend did a single thing wrong. She didn't even want five people in her wedding party, but there were so many important relatives to include, she just couldn't say no and the slots filled up. The "reading" feels pathetic. It's something literally anyone could do, it doesn't feel special. I don't want to ask to do anything different because I know wedding planning is stressful and my primary role here shouldn't be top whiner, it should be to do whatever she needs me to do to help. And I am pretty sure, right now, she needs me to step aside so she can be with her family and plan this thing.
EDIT: Thank you for such an outpouring of advice and support! To clarify some points.
(1) I was offered one of many readings. I am not sure which people are doing the others, but I have a pretty good idea - friends from different points in her life. Some she's known for years (like me), some she's known for just a few months. She is very aware this is a "downgrade" from being in the wedding party, she does not see this as something special for her BFF. But she does want me to be involved and feel involved. She apologized and I told her I completely understood, which I do.
(2) For those saying this has a bit of a sting because I am realizing I don't mean the same thing to her that she does to me, that's really it. It not about meaning more or less, it's just not the same. For those saying she just added her family to the wedding party because of pressure or obligation, that is part of it. I don't think she was pressured at all, but I do think she felt an obligation but in a good way.
(3) I am realizing that I am not in the same system as her family, and I kinda thought I was. All things being equal, she will always choose them over me. This is not because she has more fun with them or admires anyone more than me, but the mere fact they are family trumps me. I totally get that, and do not fault her for it. It's just a bummer for me because I don't have my own system like that to supplement. But I am not completely obtuse about how it works. If, say, she wanted me to come over to her house for holiday dinner and my parents were expecting me instead, I would surely go to my parents even though it would be less "fun" in a way.

Hi everyone, posting here as i can’t post on AITA cus it mentions self harm. But maybe someone can give some perspective
I 26F had a friendship breakup after 14 years for not picking the friends side. Giving anonymous names to avoid confusion. I had two friends, we’ll call the Chloe and Ella- they both have names beginning with the same letter in reality but I get the muddled up all the time so if seperate names to stop me doing this. For context I have an issue with words getting muddled up and can legitimately be adamant that my cucumber has a virus and I eat cheese and computer sandwiches . My mum has the same problem, it’s normally a laugh. But it can mean I get people muddled up. in terms of personality I’ve been described as a hufflepuff or a cinnamon roll. I always try to do my best by people to the point I’ve ended up hospitalised for stress which has made me ill. I make care packages for my friend which they get every now and then when they feel blue and I do my best to be mindful and thoughtful of others as I keep to the rules “ if you treat someone cruelly, your not human, be honest, be kind, never harm another, protect those who need it” thsee are rules I have for myself and others , so the moment someone is cruel or does something inhumanely disrespectful, like putting someone’s safety at risk with their actions- I cut ties. This is important for the story I’m about to say.
Chloe at the time was 25 and Ella 24 , I and Chloe we were in seperate year to Ella I school but the two used to be childhood friends living on the same street, Ella is marrying into Chloe’s family via Chloe’s Cousin… who we will call Rori. Chloe would say Ella was like family, as she would with me and a few others. Both Chloe and Ella have mental health issues. Ella specifically doesn’t produce seratonin in her brain which she needs medication as it, giving her symptoms of Bipolar disorder ( she’s awaiting diagnosis) and Chloe has anxiety and anger issues along with other issues. I’ve always gotten on well generally with both in school and thought I’d gotten close to both after school even more so. However I began noticing Chloe had very little interest in initiating conversations, meeting ups and constantly ‘ forgot’ things that were important to others but not her. She would get incredibly rude and defensive over things that didnt need to be defended agains ( for example she was being loud one time and I asked her if she could lower her voice as I was on the phone and she kicked off badly). I’ve seen her shout at her step dad when he asked if she could hurry along ( not rudely I might add) and she even shouted in the middle of a restaurant to Ella on Chloe’s 18th birthday ( we live in uk and you can drink at 18) when Ella Joked the She herself was yet to be able to drink. Chloe’s behaviour has always been irrational and she’s required a lot of sugar coated conversations and In order to keep the peace I’ve had to excuse a lot of negative behaviours. if you go clothing shopping you can’t say if shes worn something that doesn’t suit her because she gets upset because she’s flat chested and very androgynous in appearance. She takes everything as an attack and whenever she has recieved criticism she ended up a state. And if I ever brought up bad behaviour she’d done she’d conveniently forget or say “ it makes me feel really bad that you’d say that, like I’m a terrible friend if you’d say a thing like that”. In fact I believe I have been gaslit by her many times, which I chalked down to her mental health. She claimed she had self harm, and whilst I have never doubted her, there has never been a mark on her body, covered or uncovered, no scars, no scratches, no bruises, burns, grazes or scalds. There’s no self neglect apart from the occasional meal skip and forgotten shower. In fact she’s obsessed with her appearance. I used to self harm and starve myself as a young child… using bruising and self hitting and Ella used to self harm with cutting and scalding. I have a friend who also has an entire arm with things carved into her arm and marks. We’re no experts and I’d never judge, but you do learn to recognise people who harm themselves. She’s always seemed to be a bit of a mystery on that front but we never mentioned it and just did our best to support her.
I have done my utmost to be supportive, i used to leave my university classes when she’d have a panic attack in her own, I used to do the care packages, I’d take her out when she was down, give her space when she needed, I even made her a book of photos and anxiety tips , I helped her move in to her apartment to escape her parents which she would say didn’t understand her and weren’t helpful, taught her how to cook bacon. I basically did everything I could to be supportive and good to her, as I do for all my friends. Unfortunately I never received the same , in fact the only time I would get messages is if she’d want something, she’d forget about plans we’d made which often meant she would invite others for the same thing and forget we were going. She would even tell mutual friends I was too busy when they said about inviting me, I felt used and neglected. And the stress landed me in hospital with polyps in my stomach which had to be removed. work Put me in therapy which helped and I realised I neeed to set boundaries to protect myself. Which I did. I got excluded by her more. On the flip side if I went to hang out with mutual friends without her she’d guilt trip me if I didn’t invite her and she pushed my boundary as far as she could. In the end I stopped hanging out with some people unless she was invited. It meant I had very little social life. But it kept the peace.
Ella was the opposite and engaged as much as she was engaged to. As I say she too had mental health issues. She particularly has been struggling the last few years……she comes from a poorer background ( Chloe does to an extent but didn’t struggle as much as Ella’s family). Ella has very rotten luck, and has family issues ranging from finding out her dad isn’t biologically her father ( her bio she calls a sperm donor and is a nasty piece of work), to her mum not having enough food to feed herself, her younger ( but two oldest out of her three brothers) are special needs with autism and adhd the 3rd and youngest who she has no blood connection to was abandoned and abused by his bio mum and fraudulently putting Ella’s dads name on bills even though they’re not together- so he gets organisations looking for money he doesn’t have… he has severe health issues meaning the youngest has been put unofficially under Ella’s mum’s care ( who is an amazingly strong woman and deserves all the best) , Ella does her best to support them but always is anxious for them. Her personality is passionate and it can sometimes land her in trouble as she can be a little sassy and quick to jump the gun. Her other stressors includes she’s stuck in a toxically managed job which has sucked the joy out of her favourite thing, marine biology. She dreamed as a child of being a shark behaviourologist and job has killed it leaving her shaken and struggling to find her feet, she is also planning her and Roris wedding, which his mother appears to be sabotaging anyw way she can with outbursts and toxic comments. She dreads going to visit them . So you can imagine Ella is strugglng with a lot of emotions simultaneously and panicking a lot. Chloe and I both know this . Her soon to be mother in law, We will call Sally ….has never liked Ella and her sister ( Chloe’s mum) are quite snarky women and have made rude or inappropriate statements which I have witnessed. Sally is also similar to Chloe in attitude And doesn’t treat her son very well, and I suspect nor does she treat Rori’ siblings and father well. When she drinks she becomes nasty also. Anyway…
Over the years when ever Sally gave Ella or Rori a hard time, Ella would share the details and her upset with me and Chloe, I would keep my mouth shut but have pointed out when I considered behaviour bitchy and when Ella said things were starting to smooth out between them I was Suspicious as hell. I have met Sally 6 times and from the first time I didn’t like how she spoke at and down to people. Chloe always gets avoidant in those conversations, no doubt avoiding making someone upset.
now to the story. A few months ago Sally told Ella that Chloe had told her she was dating a guy. In truth Chloe had been having hook ups with a couple of guys but was adamant e was not looking for a relationship. Fair enough right. At this point in time I’d just entered into a new relationship, we’ll call him Alex. Alex was part of our school group of friends and even though I wasn’t friends oer say with him, Chloe was kind of. She’d hung out a few times with him and others but would go long periods of not talking to him. Alex is amazing and it’s been over 6 months since we got together and we love each other in the cute weird couple way. A couple of years beforehand we started dating Alex had actually tried to ask Chloe out which I’d wing manned him with and was shocked to find Chloe had shot him down saying he was like a brother. Couldn’t understand why as he’s a great guy ( I’m not biased , he’s a miraculously lovely person who wears his heart on his sleeve and isn’t afraid to be honest or himself, he’s really supportive and creative). Anyway we Didn’t talk for those couple of years but all the sudden a few months ago we started chatting about comicon and getting a group together and we just started talking and having fun together, we ended up dating as a result. In truth I didn’t tell Chloe straight away, in fact she didn’t find out until after a few dates. I just wanted to avoid any questions and enjoy some alone time getting to know each other… well guess who Chloe had supposedly said to Sally she was dating And then Sally to Ella. Rori and Ella corrected Sally of course, revealing it was I who was dating him. Sally was adament on what Chloe had said and since Sally and Ella was smoothing things out … Ella panicked, and decided to ask Chloe about it. forgetting to put on the soft touch gloves that she normally would use with Chloe to avoid upset. Ella when panicked drops all small talk, talks abruptly and physically can not talk soft and fluffy when panicking. So the way she was phrasing things youd be able to tell would trigger Chloe.
Anyway Chloe denied it but Ella wasn’t sure how Sally would know Alex’s name. So she asked again. Chloe became very defensive, but did not actually address how Sally would know Alexs name. Instead she took on the approach of “ I can’t believe you’d think I’d say that” and she asked Ella why she would.
heres part of the problem. Over the last two years specifically Chloe has been saying she’s unhappy and struggling, but posting on socials that she’s going out a lot and basically portraying the opposite of what she’s telling others, she’d been sleeping around , lying about things that happened and started smoking and drinking more, had a bad habit of picking the “ bad boy” who would string her along … she appeared very self destructive. she quit her job in a small convenience store where she barely worked 3 days a week and had no realistic career plans after leaving. She thought she could go into modelling or do art, however never completed the art work she did do and didn’t do any research for modelling, whenever I found a job that was advertised in town I’d send her a snap and she’d say no thank you. And the apartment type she’s in is designed for vulner girls like addicts or abuse victims, even though at her parents house she was safe, supported and well cared for ( which naturally I can’t guarantee but what I witnessed seemed ok) She just appeared like she was making risky choices and in combination to what she was saying and what we were seeing on socials. Especially as she was avoiding and neglecting her friendships with both of us…It didn’t make sense. Well Ella brought up this to Chloe as part of her reason and that with her and Sally’s relationship going so well ishe wasn’t sure on the truth,
next thing we know Chloe has had a huge melt down over this and they argued. In the end I listened to both sides, saw the messages and put in our group chat, they were both being idiots because if they had been better at communicating and hadn’t neglected their friendships they wouldnt have argued. And it’s because they’d become so distant that Ella questioned and Chloe reacted the way she did. I got them both to apologise to each other and we thought that was other, apparently not.
apparently Chloe had a physical melt down about it while she was with her mother… who then proceeded to send a really rude message to Ella , speaking down at her like a child. Ella simply said that Chloe is the one who should be talking to her, not her mother. As the argument had been resolved she was acting unnecessarily. This actually angered Ella and she went back to Chloe saying her mother needed to back off, argument number two happening. Ella believed that Chloe should have just discussed things further is she wasn’t happy after the apology. Chloe believed her mother could say what she wanted as she was defending Chloe, and Ella was saying that her mother shouldn’t have been involved and the fact she thought it was ok for her to jump in after a resolution has been made was not ok. Chloe then proceeded to avoid messaging her. Which is something Chloe does when she’s had an argument, she basically mutes the conversation and goes off grid for a couple of weeks before expecting an apology. and I have even heard her say “ —— with come crawling back and when they do I’m gonna give em hell” personally I think this is a rather childish response but didn’t say that. I tried to stay as neutral as possible .Instead I tried to encourage her to talk to Ella, and vice versa. I got them to start a little bit but Chloe kept dismissing Ella’s view and feelings, blaming her and basically acted like Ella never even apologised . Ella even skived off work to come down to visit our area to work things out but Chloe bailed stating she didn’t “ feel safe” ,which seemed a bit extreme to me to say about someone you'd been friends with for 15 years and had only expressed concern for your wellbeing and huge support. I had even suggested using my house as the middle ground but after hearing her attitude about the situation realised it wouldn’t improve anything. So cancelled it because I thought heyd both just argue again. I tried to explain to both of them how their feelings were to the other and get them to see each others viewpoint. Ella saw Chloe’s view and had apologised multiple times but Chloe was refusing to even acknowledge hers, saying she felt attacked- repeatedly. She never clarified on what specifically she felt attacked by… and she was really avoiding talking things out , she even muted me and group chats we we’re all apart of As she had even been rude with me and was insist that Ella should be apologising still. She really did not seem to understand that Ella had apologised and it was wrong for her mother to stir things up again and that all she needed to have said instead of getting defensive was that her mother shouldn’t have said anything.
Ella was in bits about the argument, her anxiety went through the roof. She started panicking saying what if Chloe stopped being friends, what if she didn’t come to her wedding, she asked me if I’d go back to being the maid of honour for her ( she’d asked me when she got engaged and I said it would upset Chloe if she didn’t ask her so I relinquished it for Chloe) … basically she spiralled into negative thoughts and cried every night…After nearly 10 days of Chloe avoiding both of us and Ella becoming so stressed she lost her two years self harm sobriety I became frustrated and stopped sugar coating things and said to Chloe her avoiding the situation was making things worse and it wasn’t fair to string Ella along as she was panicking so much she kept thinking about if she needed to make rash decisions. Chloe was essentially punishing her, Sally was also getting involved and her true colours popped out again, Chloe’s mother was stirring Chloe up and I believe Chloe’s “ newer” friends ( she befriended a bunch of younger adults, some i Believe we’re still in school- they seem vulnerable ). I was met with aggressive defensive behaviour and she wouldn’t acknowledge any other view apart from her own. I was accused of attacking her whch I wasn’t and I’d even apologised if I’d upset her. She continued to avoid me and muted again. She decided going out to a club with her newer friends to get drunk and party was more important then resolving her argument with someone she would say was like a sister to her. She also actually said “ I didn’t want to because I was hanging out with ——- and didn’t want to be in a bad mood all “ I was genuinely baffled by the attirude and unwillingness to just listen and work things out. She said the whole situation was ridiculous and shouldn’t of happened, but was refusing to stop it from continuing. she Even accused us of not being supportive of this “ new me” she was becoming and that we were the only two to have a problem. Bare in mind out of all our mutual older friends, they agreed she was over reacting and it was only her newer younger friends that didn’t know her very well who were “ being supportive” some of her older friends are also her x friends because they had arguments with her where they disagreed with her actions and she ditched them.
Anyway … again… sorry it’s so long…Ella then decided for her own wellbeing to set a… I suppose a time limit, you see when they first argued we were 3 weeks away from seeing an Ashniko concert together- the 3 of us. Ella basically said to me she was going to wait so many days and if Chloe hadn’t come forward to work it out she would regretfully message us both about the concert. She was thinking about cancelling all the tickets as she didn’t want to feel used for the tickets if Chloe suddenly wanted to talk it out just to go to the concert. She was mentally and physically exhausted from stress.
now it was my Time to panic, so I hurriedly messaged Chloe saying the time to fix things was over a week ago, if she didn’t message soon there’s was a chance non of us would be going to the concert , or Ella wouldn’t go, so shed need to look at putting money aside as a back up in case a hotel and transport was needed ( at the beginning of the argument I’d said I’d be going to this concert no matter what) .id got money just in case but Chloe has a habit of trying to get others to pay for her so my line of thinking was to avoid getting stung with the bill. Anyway Chloe took my message as an assault, caused us of kicking her out the concert, blamed Ella some more, made out I was picking sides because I didn’t agree with her mothers actions ( I told them I understood them but didn’t think they should of happened) either and basically dismissed the fact that she dragged everything out which has made things worse. I don’t think she understood or cared that Ella had lost her self harm sobriety over this and she just took the stance that it was all on her and also I was being just as rude and disrespectful ( I wasn’t being rude, I just stopped talking to her like it wasn’t her responsibility to work things out too and didn’t agree with everything that she said or put the blame on just one person- I chalked it all up to bad communication) anyway I told her. That avoiding everything hasn’t made it better. She said “ I think we should stop talking before we say something we might regret” she was the only one being aggressive in her messaging and I really didn’t understand her reaction or why she was saying as everything she was saying was so incorrect and twisted to what she’d actually been told. I Told Ella what happened as I had a sense of forboding and apologised profusely which Ella assured me wasn’t my fault and that she was being unreasonable.
I also messaged one of her newer friends that I’d slowly become friends with. Granted that I shouldn’t have but I said I was worried about her, that our mutual friend didn’t know if she wanted to remain friends, I didn’t think we’d be friends longer, and since I’d talked about going to the cinema with this friend I’d offered to remain friends no matter what happened,
a few hours later I received a message from both, him saying no thanks Tata etc and a long paragraph from Chloe with her accusing me of being disrespectful, that my attitude crossed a line ( to my knowledge the only attitude has been her own) , she accused both of us for making A decision - which I suspect her friend showed the paragraph I’d sent him Basically admitting we weren’t sure we’d be friends etc and twisted that into a decision…that we could keep her concert ticket as she didn’t want it , she said I’d put a childish post about her up on social media ( I had posted a poem I’d written in school about my parents when they used to argue and I had put a post that could only been seen by her and Ella up saying it was heartbreaking when you could see something about to happen- mistake I know but by this point I was expressing my feelings on the matter which was sadness) I used to use my social media as a diary in school so it wasn’t uncommon to find stuff written By me- usually in the form of poetry or monologues etc… she’d posted a tik tok where she looked smug in the camera and lyrics which seemed to address the situation. Atleast my post was my feelings and not disrespectful…anyway she also said I had disrespected her mother etc. basically it wa as big F U I’m out paragrap and seconds after she blocked us so we couldn’t respond. She then proceeded to block us off every social media she could find. I was baffled, hurt and angry but also there was an enormous wave of relief that I was surprised by. And I was on the phone to Alex that night and I actually said that to him …
Chloe did miss one of my TikTok accounts and instagram, which I did manage to squeeze a short response via instagram messaging explaining she had twisted everything and when she realised the truth we’d be gone as she’d been a terrible friend to us for years. I then blocked her. I know I shouldn’t have sent the message but after years of being Treated so poorly by her - 14 years of her being neglectful, agressive, unnecessarily defensive, lying, constantly making me feel like I wasn’t a good enough friend to her for her to say the things she did, just because I didn’t agree with her view entirely and that her actions were wrong. It struck a nerve,Ella was equally as hurt and angry, as she had really tried to work things out and although hadn’t been treated as badly as me, had still been neglected for several years by Chloe… we feel like dropped toys. I couldn’t stop apologising to Ella but she simply said it wasn’t on me.
Over the next couple of weeks Sally and Ella still converse. With Ella’s mental health fried to a crisp she let slip a few things to Sally. Chloe also did the same, however I only spoke to Alex or Ella, with a witness in the room. I received through Sally, using Ella as a messenger. Accusations that I had apparently accused Chloe of stealing from my business ( I hosted a stall at Comicon which op she offered to help at Whilst I was worried about theft in general and had £200 of stock missing with no money for, I never blamed Chloe and put it down to people walking past my table swiping things, Chloe is terrible at maths but for the most part I handled the money, all she was asked is if she saw anyone acting suspicious) initially I never thought she had, there was evidence she hadn’t , but the accusation of me causing her… was suspicious. I didn’t investigate however to protect my business I blocked her off my businesses social account of Facebook. Ella also cleared up things with Sally on what Chloe had said. There was also the accusation that I’d said she was jealous of me. Never said that however at this same Comicon, my boyfriend came to support and was being very affectionate and she got upset and expressed she wanted that for herself, I tried to comfort her and said it was natural to feel like she wanted affection and romance , especially after being strung along by other boys in the past. She herself has made the comment “ or jealous” she’d had a similar conversation with Alex himself and he tried to comfort in an appropriate way. i shrugged of these accusations as I’d already heard she was telling people lots of things to get sympathy and I was so tired I didn’t want to handle anything to do with her. A couple of others admitted that she tried to make things about her which Alex confirmed as he went to visit to test the waters after the argument to see where they stood as friends. Apparently she felt it was all our fault and that we should be apologising, near begging forgiveness.
just before new year is when the real doozy happened. Now for context. Now just when I had started dating Alex I had told all my gal pals I was looking for lingerie , I’d specifically told Ella over messages I was looking for it in Alex’s favourite colour and at a group Halloween mini golf night out I’d shown Chloe a set in Alex’s favourite colour. I was wearing it and basically flashed It a bit. Lo and behold days within Chloe and Ella had epargument number 1 … she showed me a bra in that colour saying she wanted to try something new. I played it cool but it screamed cringe to me. After the argument I mentioned it to Alex, with the word I only said was that I felt it was Odd, which Alex agreed. i also at a later date mentioned to Ella the conversation I’d had with Alex about it and that I said it was odd because I honestly thought I’d told Chloe about the colour being Alex’s favourite colour.
now as I said Ella had been talking to Sally. I’m not sure what was said but Chloe some how heard something about it. And she sent the most outrageous message to Alex that was “ addressing ” this accusation I’d apparently made about her and I going to a lingerie shop and her telling me his favourite colour, then buying lingerie for herself in the same colour” she wrote points saying she wouldn’t talk to him about her underwear etc and why would she do that and that I was lying about her. Alex basically said something about what did she want him to do about it and basically said I’d talk to her to address it. She basicalky said no way blocked on everything. Almost proudly in tone, and that she didn’t want to talk things through and even though she was owed an apology she didn’t want it now ( i wasn’t sure what she wanted an apology for as she’d already received an appology whenever I felt i wrote something bit harshly I would say it- I’ve recently found out what I consider harsh is a normal conversation). Alex was really frustrated and said I was trying to make it right. Not sure about the rest of the conversation but I’ve always said to him it’s his friendship I won’t interfere and he was no way obligated to share anything if he didn’t want to. He was confused that she would call him like a brother as she doesn’t act like he is, in fact she avoided him too friendship wise just like me and Ella. She didn’t even say get well soon when he or Ella was in hospital. Just focussed on her. He was so mad by her message but he’d also had a few drinks by then so I told him it was his choice whatever he did and I would love and support him either way. I felt so bad for him and cuddled him as the new year started and he decided this was her last chance as all throughout me trying to negotiate I’d showed him the messages and he’d seen me getting upset and frustrated and knew I was only trying to help. I sent one last text to her addressing the accusations. I sternly put I wanted nothing to do with her and she should go live her life as I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. He hasn’t to my knowledge been messaged by her since and I warned Ella not to share anything to Sally.
its been almost 5 months since then, me and Alex are going strong. It turns out the people Chloe used to say I was too busy for meeting up with are more then happy to see me and I’ve been going out more, I go to concerts with Alex and support his band in competitions. I’m making friends with his friendship group and his cat. The friends I made at uni and outside of Chloe and Ella are all supportive and I have more time and social energy for them now I’m not having Chloe in my life. Still I hope she’s somewhat ok, maybe with a dash of life lessons mixed in. Is that bad?
Ella is still stressed but has learnt that true supportive friends have been with her all along. She’s on stress leave from work and is searching for a not so toxic job. Rori is has said his mother has to behave at the wedding or be remoevd. Chloe and her immediate family are not longer part of the wedding party. I gave in to Ella’s request to return me to maid of honour, I have a club booked and goth decorations for her Bat-chellorette. The location is going to be a secret until 48 hours before to avoid unwanted guests, but we will be in the vip section. I’ve got biodegradable confetti made for the wedding for her, all the bridesmaids aree sorted for dresses and shoes, im picking up her bridal jacket for her in a couple of weeks ( the bridal shop accidentally ordered the wrong colour so bit of a panic) I booked the week off prior to her wedding for any panicking bride feelings and wedding needs. I’ve also been asked to be prepared to do a back up speech in case the best man gets stage fright. And so far there’s not been any news on Chloe. my main concern is Sally starting something at the wedding or Chloe revealing something about Ella’s wedding dress that was being kept as a surprise for Rori. She’s also checked in with Rori who has been really torn about things and considering she used to say they were like twin siblings, she’s not acted like it.
We’ve also had a few comments come through from Mutual friends . Apparently she said to one good luck to Alex for putting up with my BS… im not even going to respond on that. Alex is pretty happy with me and we tried to avoid Chloe as a topic unless it’s unavoidable . The tik tok account she forgot to block gets her videos come through. I forgot about the account until a month ago and was scrolling through my FYP and she popped up…They seem self destructive and in denial of what’s happened. But it’s not my concern now. I don’t need to stress about her any more So why have the temptation.I closed that account as I don’t use it and there’s some really bad videography work in them- proper cringe… so after posting one last video where I put I was saying goodbye to the account and those cringey videos . I put “ in order to move on from the past, you need to make it unimportant” … I also may have did some silly sweary motions with my hands to say goodbye to the old videos and account, which is she somehow sees think it’s for her… but as I say you have got to make the past unimportant to move on and I have A new tiktok for my business to post thing on. I’ve not seen her about town either but I’ve heard from one of Ella’s friends that Chloe conveniently shows up to where Ella’s friend is if she post anything on social media about it; bit odd. Alex takes me to bar twice a week which Chloe isn't normally seen at , as I say I’ve been making new friends, there’s a girl with rainbow hair and dresses harajuku that seems nice 🥰
I’m not sure if this is my fault, I tried to be supportive and fair to both, but I feel like I was forced into an awkward position by Chloe when she put Ella at risk physically. there’s only so much support you can give without giving yourself and I was still in recovery from my polyp removal as this happened. I feel depressed some days thinking about this situation and blame myself as well as feel angry at Chloe, I’ve stress ground my teeth in my sleep and although I feel calmer day to day over normal things. And I’m getting more socialised and loving relationships…I feel like I’m losing motivation and dipping into my old self harm habbits…. So am I to blame? And also how can I be better Supportive to Ella now she’s off the sobriety wagon

Here's a list of some of the real-life poets that have either influenced Taylor's work or have paralleled her life and legacy:
1) Lord Byron is one of the most famous poets of all time, and he is known as the first-ever rockstar and rose to stardom essentially overnight.
2) Robert Frost’s iconic poem “The Road Not Taken” may be one of the most recognizable poems in history, and Taylor makes direct reference to it in her song “The Outside” from her self-titled debut album.
3) Sylvia Plath might be one of the most famously “tortured” poets and is no stranger to her work. “Look What You Made Me Do…” is often compared to Plath’s iconic poem “Lady Lazarus.” Both Swift and Plath liken themselves to a phoenix rising from the ashes of death, and in Swift’s case, it’s the death of her reputation.
4) In the liner notes of “Red,” Taylor Swift writes, “There’s an old poem by Neruda that I’ve always been captivated by, and one of the lines in it has stuck with me ever since the first time I read it.” The line she quotes is, “Love is so short, forgetting is so long,” which is from Neruda’s poem commonly called, “Tonight I Can Write (The Saddest Lines).”
5) “the lakes” makes reference to The Lake District, a mountainous national park in the north of England. In the song, Taylor says “Take me to the lakes where the poets go to die,” which harkens back to “The Lake Poets,” a group of Romantic poets who spent their time in the picturesque region to write. One of these poets is John Keats, who wrote a poem called "Endymion" that was so terribly reviewed, Keats went into exile. Sound familiar...?
6) Emily Dickinson was recently discovered to be one of Taylor Swift’s distant relatives. When discussing Dickinson’s personal history, much like Taylor's, her sexuality is often a point of contention. Her relationship with friend and sister-in-law Susan Huntington is greatly postulated as more than friendship - reminiscent of Taylor’s tumultuous relationship with model and ex-best friendKarli Kloss.
7) One of the bonus tracks on the Tortured Poets Department is called “The Albatross.” We can only assume that that is a reference to “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” the epic poem written by one of the most famous of the Lake Poets, Samuel Taylor Coleridge. The poem follows an old mariner, who pulls aside a man on the way to a wedding to tell him his tale. In the story, the mariner mindlessly shoots an albatross with his crossbow (the archer!) and goes on a sweeping journey of guilt and despair following the bird’s death.
If you want to learn more about all these poets, here's a playlist of podcast clips about each one!
https://harkaudio.com/tortured-poets-behind-taylor-swifts-new-album-257507

My next-door neighbor is a widow.
She's like a fallen chrysanthemum, not meant for a life of ease but rather for religious observances. I admired her quietly, never daring to share my feelings with anyone, not even with myself.
My closest friend, Arnav, remained oblivious to this. I had concealed this profound emotion, cherishing its purity. In doing so, I felt a sense of pride.
But the turmoil within me refused to stay contained like a river's source. I sought an outlet, fearing that failure would create a whirlpool of pain within me.
So, I considered expressing myself through poetry. However, my pen hesitated to take the lead.
What's surprising is that just then, my friend Arnav suddenly began writing poetry at a remarkable pace, as if motivated by an earthquake.
The unfortunate man had never encountered such a situation before, so he was unprepared for this unexpected upheaval. He had no grasp of rhyme, yet I was amazed to see him dive right in.
Poetry, like a second wife in old age, had captured his imagination.
He became my refuge for guidance and refinement. The themes of his poetry were not ground breaking, yet neither were they outdated. Essentially, they could be described as both timeless and ever-fresh. Love poetry, directed towards a beloved.
I teased him playfully, asking, "Who are you, really?"
He chuckled and replied, "I'm still searching."
Assisting him with his writing brought me great solace. I allowed my suppressed feelings for his fictional beloved to find expression through his verses.
Like a brooding hen nurturing its eggs, I poured all my heart's turmoil onto the paper. I had to revise the texts at such a rapid pace that nearly fifteen pages were entirely my own work.
He, taken aback, remarked, "This is your writing. Let your name grace it."
I replied, "Certainly. This is your writing; I've simply made a few adjustments."
Over time, he came to share the same perspective.
Just as an astronomer eagerly awaits the rising of the stars, I often found myself gazing towards the direction of our neighboring house, occasionally catching a glimpse. The devotee's eager gaze sometimes proved significant.
The serene face of the celibate engaged in meditation, reflected in the gentle glow, calmed my restless mind instantly.
But what I witnessed that day startled me.
Was there still a burning passion in my neighbor's heart?
Had the intense fiery glow in that vacant cave of solitude not yet completely subsided?
That day, in the afternoon of the Spring season, dense clouds began to gather in the northeastern corner. Standing alone by the window of my neighbor's apartment, I witnessed a profound sense of sorrow emanating from the intense, tumultuous light of the storm.
Yes, my neighbor still exuded warmth!
A heartfelt longing emanated from her eyes, in the light of that stormy day, soaring like an agitated bird. Not towards heaven, but towards the depths of the human heart.
After witnessing that eager, fiery gaze, I found it impossible to calm my restless mind. At that moment, I resolved to dedicate all my efforts to promoting widow remarriage. Not only in speech and writing, but also in providing financial assistance.
Arnav began to argue with me; he said, "Within eternal widowhood lies a sacred peace, a vast beauty like the fading moonlight; can the mere possibility of marriage break that?"
Listening to all his poetry, I was enraged. If a person starving in a famine expresses disgust towards a hearty meal, yearning for the scent of flowers and the song of birds to fill their emaciated belly, how would they be perceived?
I angrily said, "Look, Arnav, artists say there's a beauty in a dilapidated house as a scene. But merely seeing it as a picture won't do; you have to live in it, so whatever artists say, renovation is necessary. Taking the widowhood, you want to indulge in divine poetry from afar, but within it lies a longing human heart experiencing your unique pain, and it's your duty to remember that."
I thought I could never convince him, so that day I had added some extra warmth to my words. But suddenly, to my surprise, he took a deep breath and accepted all my words; he didn't give me any more opportunities to say more good things.
A week later, he came and said, "If you help, I'm ready to arrange a widow remarriage."
I was overjoyed— I hugged him tightly and said, "I'll provide whatever money is needed." Then he told his story.
I understood that his beloved is not imaginary. For some time, he has been loving a widow from afar, without expressing it to anyone.
The monthly letters sent under his name reached their destination correctly. The poems did not fail. This was one way my friend found to attract attention without an interview.
But he said he had not yet been able to turn all these maneuvers. Moreover, he believed that widows did not know how to read. Under the name of a widow's brother, he sent papers without signatures or prices. It was just a madness to comfort the mind. I thought a bouquet was offered to the gods, whether they knew it or not, whether they accepted it or not.
In various ways, he, along with the widow's brother, formed a friendship, he said, there was no intention even there. The sweetness of the near relatives of those who are loved is felt.
Finally, considering the hard pain of the brother, the proposal for marriage with the sister-in-law was made after a long conversation. The direct acquaintance with the subject of poetry, along with the poet, has led to much discussion about poetry relationships. The discussion was not only limited to published poems.
Recently, convinced by my arguments, he has proposed marriage with that widow. Initially, there was no agreement at all. He then applied all his reasoning and shed a few tears in her eyes, completely convincing her. Now the widow's guardian wants some money.
I said, 'Take it now.'
He said, 'Besides that, after marriage, for the first month, my father will definitely stop my monthly allowance, so we have to manage the expenses of both.'
I didn't say a word but wrote a check. I said, 'Tell me her name now.”
He said, ‘She is extremely reluctant to discuss her widow marriage. Therefore, she strictly forbade talking about her to you. But now that's no longer a lie. She is your neighbor; she lives in house No.17.'
If the heart's anguish were a molten iron boiler, it would have burst into flames with a single spark. I asked, 'Doesn't she like the idea of a widow marriage?'
He laughed and said, 'Not at the moment.'
I said, 'Is she just enchanted by reading poetry?'
He said, 'Why, my poems don't seem bad.'
I said to myself, 'Damn.'
Damn whom? Myself, him or fate? But damn.
Author's note
This flash fiction draws inspiration from the initial chapters of the romance novella "Destination Love: From the Hills" by B. Vedha

I had known a mutual family friend for three years. Despite harboring a crush on them since our first meeting, I hesitated to pursue anything due to our familial connection and my own uncertainty about coming out. Unfortunately, this person outed my sexuality and made advances on me one night, which I awkwardly deflected by claiming I was straight.
Afterwards, I mustered the courage to come out as bisexual to my family and then approached my sister-in-law to gauge her comfort level with us potentially dating. Initially, everything seemed promising, and we began spending time together casually. During this period, I was completely open and honest about my feelings and desires. However, our relationship abruptly but amicably ended almost a month later, immediately after we became intimate. In the days following the breakup, I discovered that I had been blocked from her social media accounts and that any plans or projects we had discussed were deleted from our shared server, (we work in similar professions, and had collaborated on some art). I attempted to seek closure by reaching out, but received no response.
As someone I had trusted enough to share my true self with for the first time, I felt deeply hurt and disregarded by her actions.Although I haven't initiated further contact or involved any family members, I can't deny feeling a lingering disappointment. Despite my lingering feelings, I've chosen to maintain my distance and respect her decision. My sister-in-law mentioned that her friend had apologized, but it seemed more focused on realigning their friendship than addressing the impact on me, leaving me without the closure I needed.
Months have passed, yet I still find myself deeply attached to this person. I've lost sleep written countless poems and experienced nightmares and chills at the mere mention of her name or anything reminiscent of her. This experience has left me wanting to retreat back into the closet and has, unfortunately, discouraged me from pursuing dating further. I feel genuinely stupid embarassed traumatized and uncertain about how to move forward.
I sincerely appreciate any help and kind words.

"...wizard mine..." I snapped awake. How I'd dozed off in the presence of Lara Raith, the most dangerous predator in my life, was beyond me. Bad news when Lara felt the need to emphasize her claim. A claim that had grown teeth and claws since Mab promised her my hand in marriage. Her dreams of a partnership were finally coming true.
I couldn't help but worry we'd be partners in name only. How could anyone carry on the most intimate of relationships with the most enthralling member of the White Court and retain all their agency? Just smelling her was the sexual version of an Outsider attack.
Imagine smelling her pussy then... A traitorous part of my mind whispered.
"I'm not your wizard, Lara. I still have six months." I snapped.
"Until we belong to one another, yes. But you've been my wizard since I set eyes on you." Her eyes glinted with amusement.
I eyed her uneasily. Lara was difficult enough to resist when she wasn't presuming intimacy. When she confessed desire...
"You can't even touch me, Lara. I still love Murphy."
Lara crossed and recrossed her (perfect, sleek, pantherine) legs restlessly.
"But she can't love you back. Your protection is more an inconvenience than a real threat," Lara said.
An inconvenience that could leave her burned to the bone. Not that burns could do much more than slow down an apex predator like the silent Queen of the White Court. Images of Lara slaughtering super ghouls with just knives and dismembering a kraken underwater flashed through my mind... And damn it, if that wasn't just as appealing as Lara seductive! Blame the Winter mantle's respect for predators.
Brutally, I countered "If you call burns in your most sensitive places inconvenient, sure."
A slow, satisfied smile.
"haven't we established that I'm a efficient monster, Dresden? I have a solution. One even you will find acceptable, I believe, since it allows you to retain your love as long as you please."
My stomach did a slow roll. Without Murphy's protection, Lara might well overpower my reservations. She hadn't tried so far. Her come hither was always accidental. She'd never directed its full force at me.
And yet you've struggled with just her natural appeal.
Lara appealed, as a person. She was smart, loyal, relentless, competent to a fault, honest and entirely faithful to her obligations. The best sort of monster. She was a killer, yes. But not of innocents, and not from anything short of necessity. She'd been my staunch ally more than once. She was my only ally when it came to Thomas. Lara loved him. She'd risked it all to save him. I owed her a debt... And debts must be paid, if you were like me. Partly monster yourself.
"I don't want to hear it, Lara. I won't be your thrall. No matter what Mab thinks. I'm useless if I'm all..." I fumbled for a word other than 'cuntstruck.'
Her calm, lovely blue eyes studied me. There was something lonely and hungry in them, something other than the capital H Hunger.
"and if I can guarantee you'll be safe from control? That you'll be able to refuse anything you don't want? For a little while, I won't be White Court at all. Only Lara."
She'd be just a woman. Vulnerable to anything at all. Big risk to take.
But I had to admit, it excited me a lot more than a White Court pleasure apotheosis.
"Do you remember my offer, Harry?"
True relief. Freedom from pain, fear, guilt, regret. From every ache of my increasingly battered body and every ache of my embattled soul. That was Lara wanted to give me.
"I am grieving, Lara. You can't take that away without making me betray her. I'm obligated to suffer."
And before I could blink, faster than I could react, Lara blurred to my side. A sharp pain lanced my ear. And then cold radiated out from it. And I felt... Nice, actually. Languid. Lethargic. I watched, sleepily, as Lara fitted a silver white collar decorated with the emblem of the Winter Court around her neck.
"I'm sorry, Dresden. I'd enjoy this most if you were entirely into it, but I'll take this."
Lara looked contrite, a little smug. She snapped the collar shut. Her eyes flared silver white for an instant, then returned to the blue I'd already fallen for... Fallen for?
Whatever my feelings, I couldn't stop staring into them. A confusing mix of emotions swirled in them, and across her face. Regret, yearning, shame, loneliness, lust.
"I never had the chance Inari did. To choose a human life, with love. I was always meant for rule."
She stepped closer and sunk down to look into my eyes.
"ruling means nobody knows you, Harry. You're so cloaked in authority, the person you are is lost."
She shook her head. And it made her hair do the most wonderful things. For once, she didn't look like a statue at all.
"Enough talking. I want you to understand me."
And so, our soulgaze began. I didn't stop it. I wanted to know. Who was Lara Raith, truly?
Like with Thomas, it transported me to a place inside Lara. Astonishingly, it wasn't beautiful. Too bright, too hot, too much. Garish. Colors clashed riotously. Light reflected and spangled off every surface.
When my vision cleared, I saw ... A human ball? Ball cage? Perfectly shaped people, connected hand and foot into a huge oppressive mass of humanity. It rolled slowly down a runway lit with spotlights of every color. And as it did, something flitted into view inside.
Lara, with a silver demon on her back. She, too, was spreadeagled and connected. Her every muscle strained forward. Her hair was lank with sweat, her face creased with effort.
The ball rolled on. And then I saw it. The runway was a ramp, leading to a pit. Endless darkness. Doom. For all of them.
And then I was back in my chair, tears in my eyes. Such a criminal waste!
"Oh, Harry..."
Lara, radiant, smiled at me.
"You can be proud of yourself, Harry. There is no better you. You are the best of all possible Harries."
My tears came perilously close to returning. How had she known my terror?
She rose, turned, and disappeared from my field of view. I missed her already. Had those been lines around her eyes? I started composing a poem about paths up a mountain to blue diamonds. It was awful. But then she came back! With a tube of something, and a wicked smile.
Oh, I hope she rubs that on my penis. Oh boy. Stars and stones.
"I had a wizard I know make this. It soothes overstressed nerves." She bent at the knee to lift me from the chair.
"Right. Human after all. You're going to have to help me get you to bed. Stand up, that's a good wizard."
"Bed." The mantle approved, even if it felt there was too much respect and affection in the air for its taste. I lurched in the right direction. "Bed," I repeated. I still felt so nice! I sank into bed.
LARA GIVES HIM A BITCHING MASSAGE WHICH SOOTHES HIS OMNIPRESENT PAIN INTO TRUE SILENCE. HE CRIES.
"I didn't even know I had pain!"
"You didn't want to know, Harry. Because you're busy ruining yourself. You're the only check on a world of evil, Molly's in terrible peril, Murphy's gone... And you've been sold. Sold to a monster you believe will own you. You didn't even sell yourself this time."
Lara tucked her hair behind her ear, and without any thought, I kissed her fingers. Then I licked them. And she cackled like a cartoon witch. Then crossed and recrossed her legs, twice, very fast. She grew somber.
"What did you see, Harry?"
I didn't dare tell her the truth. That she was throwing herself away for nothing but self destruction, and her family with her. That even her love was hungry and devouring her. That they were all doomed.
"A woman. Much like any other. More tired, I think."
Her shoulders slumped, and then began to shake. Her hair fell forward and hid her tears.
"Thank you. For the kind lie," she said. "Roll over. No, on your side, not your face. Yes, like that."
And then there was her smell, and the warmth of her. She was warm, now. Human after all. Her nose was in the unkempt hair on the back of my neck. Ticklish. She smelled different, now. Like long nights, spent well. Like a winter morning. She put her arms around me, and I sighed.
"I miss Murphy."
"And you always, always will."
Now she sighed.
"But mayflies are mayflies, Dresden. You can't make them redwoods."
The earring broke. Icy shrapnel flew, and Lara shrieked.
"MUCH LIKE YOU CAN'T MAKE A WHORE A WIFE, I GUESS."
her arms withdrew, and I turned to look her in the face, gathering my will. Pulling down the mantle. I opened a Way, and I shoved her into it, ignoring the shocked and piteous look on her face.
Lara POV
When I exited the Way, I realized a few things. One, Dresden was killing-angry with me. He hadn't forgotten my limitations, or how unpredictably dangerous Ways from unknown places could be. He meant to show me the terror of death. Two, I needed a weapon now. Three, I was about to be deep in icy water, in Winter. Four, my collar was intact, which meant almost 24 hours as a human.
I hit the water. Impressive for Dresden to open a Way above water, even here in the spirit world.
What did he really see?
And came up, spluttering. Cold beyond my worst expectations, everywhere, and already a dizzying amount of weakness in my body. I immediately swam for shore, but even pushing as hard as I could, I couldn't stop shaking when I reached shore. Mild to moderate hypothermia.
Needed a fire, too.
So long story short, I made one. I am an effective monster, and quite old. Bear Grylls never looked so fetching. And I made myself a bo staff while I was at it. It has a splintered, weak end where I broke it off the tree, but it will serve for the lesser class of the Nevernever. Even without my gifts, I am a master.
Warm and armed, I looked around. No roads. No buildings. Lake to one side, forest to the other. Nowhere to go but into the jungle. I needed a sentient, civilized creature of Winter to get Mab's aid. I almost dreaded her finding me this way, bedraggled and casual and helpless, but I do not dread. I simply refuse to. I would face Mab without flinching.
LOL SHE FINDS A GUY WHO BRINGS HER TO MOLLY
The Winter Lady. The executor of Mab's plans. She'd recently spearheaded the campaign to repurpose Chicago children for Winter, marvelously. Apparently respected by her subordinates for work ethic, skill, and the speed of her adaptation. A formidable woman, for her age.
When we were alone...
"What the fuck are you wearing on your neck, Raith? Not your usual style," Molly said.
"It's not part of the aid I'm requesting as Winter's closest ally, so..." I fought the urge to twirl my hair nervously. Goddamn human curiosity had survived becoming the Wicked Witch of the North.
Molly gave me a frown, unamused.
"But it is Winter Court property, by the Emblem. I could take it back if you're finished."
What did she know? No, I wasn't done. Any connection we forged with the demon's help would be counterfeit, ephemeral, a useless foundation for what was to come. I still needed this.
"This is from Mab's hand herself. I'd much rather return it to her," I said, as imperiously as I could manage under the circumstances.
"That collar is meant for two things: one, prisoners with unmanageable powers, and two, for sex play across too large a power differential. You do not seem like the type who accidentally breaks their food. What are you doing with it?"
Molly was coldly furious. She knew the answer was Harry. And she probably wanted me dead for touching him. I turned away from her, inspected her room.
"I wanted Harry to know I wouldn't control him. That I was no threat."
Molly looked at me oddly.
"You wanted him to feel safe with you." Molly paused. "You're not breaking him how I thought you would, Lara Raith of the White Court. Perhaps I can keep this favor between us." She smiled sadly.
"Thank you. I know Harry was once the most precious part of your life. It can't be easy to see me sharpening my claws for marriage."
"It turns out we were more Harry and Hermione than... Well, you know what I mean. It's fine. "I really wouldn't count your chickens, Raith. Harry wiggles out of everything he believes is wrong. You have to show him you and he would be not just good, but necessary to DO good. Show him how you change the world."
Perhaps not the best play, I thought, counting the deaths involved in establishing a political beachhead. But he might like the policy of rewarding pedophiles in power with the youngest of the White Court. No trauma for the girls, no drama for the news.
"And keep being vulnerable for him, every way you can. It's going to be hard to make him feel like you're a woman who he could have emotions about. After what he's seen you do."
"Molly, why help me? You realize, you're not his apprentice anymore. He trusts and ... Appreciates you. I've seen it."
"Lara, I'm Fae now." She turned her back on me. "I want Winter to succeed. We are absolutely required to do so. That is all."
And walked away, leaving me with the gate to Chicago. I hesitated. It was very cold, and I still wore the collar, and there was no need, was there? To rush back and face him? What would I say? I'd been callous and trite. Mayflies.
But this had been truly dangerous. I could've died to predators or just the cold. And he hasn't come looking for me. I waited for a long, long time by the lake.
And now, here, too. I don't know how long I stared at the shimmering Way. But eventually, I went through. Molly had provided me a burner phone to call my people. I did, and Justine came for me.
"You look different today," she said as I got into the car, an all white luxury sedan with all the bells and whistles.
Justine was far more than looks. Her keen perceptions, observational skills, and intelligence have rescued multiple operations and foiled one assassination attempt. I should've realized she'd notice something even with the collar concealed.
She engaged a rearview parking camera and vegan to back out. Sometimes luxury was tiresome, I thought. Sometimes one grew tired of the best of everything. Not that there were better options. Cheap things were invariably inferior, charmless.
"You look like a woman today, not some ideal of woman as seductress. It's nice. You're more attractive this way, I think." She turned around to look at me and grinned.
"Like butter instead of margarine. Yes. Like that."
I ignored that for the moment.
Even with all my preparations, I'd failed to connect with Dresden.
What did he see?!
Yes, what had he seen? If it was bad enough, he might never be the partner I craved. He was just right to be. I'd seen that much. Ruthless, but utterly without cruelty. Violent, but nonaggressive. Righteous fury. Inflexible under oppression. Clever and adaptable. And happy, funny, and sweet when the sun shines on him. Equipped to enjoy life.
Oh, I wanted to make him a tiny sun, just to follow him around and make him smile.
Harry actually can make tiny suns. And whatever Harry can't do, Demonreach's prisoners could. Though of course nothing should require that. It would ruin Harry to use them.
He's ideal. Enforcer, planner, liason, and lover. Long lived and healthy. Exactly what I needed.
Wait. Butter and margarine? Justine was being too familiar, even for her. Justine was... Was...
Justine was missing. And possessed by the most terrible evil Harry had ever encountered. How had she caught me? She made me forget. Best to keep her talking. Only twenty minutes left on the collar.
"I feel like there's a pun I should be making here, but nothing comes to mind," I drawled.
Justine started driving.
"What happened? It's not new makeup. Don't lie."
Fuck this bullshit girl-talk.
"How's the baby, Justine?" She was obviously no longer pregnant.
Suddenly, a migraine. Intense, white hot pain in my skull.
"The baby is fine," she said in a dull, dead voice nothing at all like her usual dulcet tones. "The baby is well, all is well, all manner of things will be well. Except you, Lara, you fucking thing." She shook her head violently. White hair flew everywhere.
"We're going to make you ours, Lara. Like you've done to so many. Take your will away. Make you a servant to evil." She turned and showed me a vicious grin. "More of one than you are already, I mean."
I hit her in the face. Heel of my hand to her nose. It broke with a sickening wet pop, but the grin remained.
"You'll make the perfect tool for dismantling Harry Dresden, Larrrrra. He's falling for you. Has been for years." Blood trickled into the grin, made it even more macabre and grotesque. On such a pretty girl, it was an obscenity. "Every time you show up and do the dark paladin routine, the badass with the heart of ebony, he melts a little more. He can't admit it even to himself, but we know. Nemesis knows your every weakness."
She steered without looking, flawlessly weaving through traffic. I looked hard at her, looking for my Justine, the one who was all but family. Heartbreaking that I couldn't find her.
I elbowed the glass out of my window and worked the exterior door handle as quickly as I could. I was pushing the door open almost before I heard the pistons hiss. My head ached and pounded and I couldn't help feeling pathetic. Just a woman, not quite young, with just a woman's strength, against a monster who'd played chessmaster with an orphaned god to the tune of half the city. I hit the street and rolled, came up with my hands ready to deflect, but Justine and the car were gone. Somehow.
Time to borrow another phone and try that all over, I thought, sighing.
But when I turned around, Dresden was coming around the corner. He had a staff in one hand, a blasting rod held loosely in the other. He didn't show any emotion but a hint of impatience. His poker face was improving. Mab was a good influence.
"Sea turtles. Would've been more flattering than a tree," he drawled as he walked up. "They live forever and mate for life."
"Too ungainly for a woman of her grace. Redwoods at least are majestic," I replied, watching him closely. Were we going to pretend he hadn't risked my life in a fit of pique?
Dresden smiled sadly.
"Like a tiger. Lara, we need to talk about what the earring did to me."
Not an apology, but a counterattack. Very good, Harry. Predators love with their claws out.
"It represses memory and feeling for one person. And encourages you to be open to feelings you aren't currently confronting. Why are you worried, Harry? Did you feel something you didn't like?"
Damn the man. He actually blushed. Fucking adorable.
"I have your word, as Queen?"
I scoffed. (Prettily, to be sure.)
"You want Lara's word, not hers. Yes, I promise you, whatever you felt was natural."
He nodded once, sharply, and clearly settled the question within himself. He didn't hesitate. He'd trusted me, again.
"Why were you here, of all places?" I asked.
"This is where the tracking spell led." He frowned.
"Justine picked me up. And I didn't even realize that was wrong until almost too late."
Harry scowled. "Nemesis."
"What is Nemesis, Harry? Did it infect me?"
"That's what it does. It did it to Maeve before she died, made her a liar and a traitor. Others. It can release Fae from anything, from the Winter Law itself. It's responsible for most of my cases and all of my catastrophes."
Except the ones you caused, I thought wryly. And a little sadly. You were Nemesis to the Red Court.
"And so how do we know if I'm infected?"
He looked grim and weary. He put away the blasting rod, and held out a hand.
"Come back to my workshop and I'll see what I can do. I can't promise anything, since I don't have an infected subject, but I'll try."
"Can you fix me if I'm infected?"
"I've never tried. You have a lifetime of experience of having a demon inside you, so if anyone anyone could fight this off, it would be you, Lara."
"Then let's go now," I said, taking his hand.
Dresden POV
The castle was nice. It was really nice, actually. Safe, spacious, thoroughly warded. I'd had two rooms remade into a replica of my old apartment, too. With a TV from the Svartalves and WiFi for Bob. I even watched it sometimes. Have you seen Game of Thrones? My God.
Lara strode in my wake, looking regal and elegant again without the collar. Perfect and pristine and somehow less appealing, even giving off whiffs of succubus aura as she walked. This Lara wouldn't give me the best massage of my life. The best feeling of my life would burn her for trying.
We took a ladder down into the basement. And were greeted by Bob's ecstatic glee.
"You brought me Lara Raith, Boss? What are we going to do to her?"
I huffed.
"We do nothing. I do, you observe."
"Oh, yes. I can watch. I promise to miss nothing."
Lara was expressionless for this, clearly preoccupied.
"Bob, we're tracking Nemesis. I need a potion to make her aura clearer and more detailed. As well as anything else that might help."
"BOOBS," Bob agreed. "Two of them."
He swirled out of the skull.
"I'll read off the ingredients when you're ready. We have all we need. Just a little bit of fluid from Lara and we're set."
I searched for a scalpel. And, astonishingly, found it quickly. I proffered it to Lara.
"Just a nick. A few drops will do."
Absentmindedly, Lara took it and drew a thin line on her forearm. Pale blood dripped into a vessel I held for her. It smelled rich, heady, like mead. If I drank this, I'd be priapic for hours. I'd seen it drive Will and Georgia to fucking in a combat situation, when they were killing Madeleine Raith. They had only had drops. And as wolves. I did not drink it.
Bob and I made the potion while Lara perused Bob's romance novels. She picked one up and leafed through it idly, bemused. She'd relaxed so much since Mab's deal. Cackling, smiling, grinning. The memory of her cool hands on me, spreading the silence of painlessness and the warmth of care was sweet.
Nobody had ever done anything for my pain before, not directly. It was still gone. My body moved flawlessly, without a whisper of pain. Moving felt good. She'd given me that with her own hands. Her elegant, long fingered, strangely delicious hands...
I snapped back to the potion when Bob started giggling.
"Cuntstruck." He whispered hysterically. "Cuntstruck!" He dissolved into giggling when he made the mistake of looking at Lara.
She was the picture of imperious disdain.
"What is your spirit saying?" She frowned at Bob.
"Absolutely nothing, sweetcheeks." Bob replied. "Nothing at all. Hey, so, about those clothes..." He wiggled bright orange eyebrows lasciviously.
"The potion first, Bob. Drink this, please. It's bad, sorry." I handed her the vial and she chugged it.
"Well, gold star. Back in a minute."
Auras are easy to read and hard to interpret. Too many factors involved. Identity is complex and convoluted, constantly shifting in response to experiences and the perspectives of others. But a good wizard can simplify by defining the scope in time and perspective. I intended to see only how Lara and I interacted in the future, our present and future compatibility, betting on her being a tool for Nemesis against me.
When I came back, Lara was juggling Bob, and he was giggling and squealing like a little girl.
"Nice, you two."
Lara pretended to fumble Bob, but caught him at the last second... Only to dump him on the floor anyway.
"Our auras?" She asked, dusting off her hands.
"For the reading. Bob will do it. He has centuries of experience."
And that's when I saw an expression I never expected to see on Lara Raith, something even Ethniu hadn't inspired - terror.
LARA
You have got to be fucking shitting me.
He wanted to know what I had planned for him. He didn't trust me. Maybe he shouldn't, but... He wouldn't like all my plans. US political dominion. Demonreach. The sex trafficking thing. Not all of it would go over smoothly. I did not want him predicting our conflicts. Or worse, interpreting them as Nemesis.
"Bob will do the reading. He's mostly unbiased," Dresden explained placidly.
Was he handling me? Had he seen my terror?
You saw his, and spoke to it. Why shouldn't he do the same for you? You are meant to be partners, after all, said my youngest sister, the only one I had cause to envy, Inari.
"It's actually our reading. We stand together and Bob reads the commingling of our auras," Dresden continued.
"O-okay." I didn't stammer. I only emphasized the first syllable.
"Also, you need to be naked and embracing." Bob interjected from the floor. "So, prepare for a burning sensation."
"About that. I have something to try for the love problem that is less... intoxicating. I'll wall off my Murphy memories with wizard discipline," Dresden explained.
"Then we're ready,” I said.
I disrobed. I'm always only a few moments from nakedness, like a cop on duty is only a second from his gun, and for the same reasons. My nakedness is armor and weapon both. No one wants to ruin perfection. No one wants to mar my beauty with blood. And few men remember any weapon but the one between their legs when they look at me.
Bob made animal sounds and rolled around on the floor. Then he slipped out of the skull, a flickering trail of campfire sparks in yellow orange. He immediately formed halos around my breasts, and slowly rotated, groaning.
"Fabulous, Bob. Like you're fifteen, not fifteen centuries,' Dresden complained.
He turned his back on me and undressed. All but boxers. Keeping his present wrapped until it was my time to unwrap it. Romantic. I liked and disliked it. How dare he hold things back from me even when necessity dictated nudity? And yet, his shyness said he cared how I saw him. I liked the admission that I had power over him.
"I'll hold you from behind. Turn," he said gruffly. "So he sees us in profile."
Obediently, I faced the wall and waited. The sound of elastic, footfalls. And then his arms around me and the rest of him pressed against me firmly. No hesitation again. Good. A soft gasp escaped him. "Bob? Whenever you're ready," he said in a very slightly shaky voice.
Bob left nipple orbit and took up position beside us.
"Okay, so, to release your auras, just... Be glad you're alive. I know I am," Bob said cheerfully.
I tipped my head back, so it fit beneath Harry's chin and closed my eyes and gave gratitude, to whatever there was, that even demons are sometimes granted some small hope of being loved and whole and complete. Here it was, after centuries of blood and death and ruin.
And Bob made more incoherent noises, but these sounded less like animal satisfaction and more like religious awe. He sounded moved, awestruck, humbled... And bitterly, intensely jealous.
"Boss, I've never seen an example this perfect. I'm doing a memory snapshot so you can see it. It'll blow your fucking mind. I can't actually promise she's not infected, but I can say it's basically irrelevant to you. Your strings are entwined, and will never be sundered. Perhaps not even by death. Nemesis cannot turn this woman against you."
"Nemesis made a liar of Maeve. Made her a traitor. She can turn anyone. Why not Lara, Bob?"
"Because she's your soul mate, Harry. It couldnt ve clearer. Literally. This is an impeccable example of the pattern. It's flawless."
Dresden let me go. A little reluctantly, I felt. Once he did, I let my feelings show on my face. Feeling, really.
Because all I felt was triumph.
DRESDEN
I was reeling internally, but my poker face was intact. I watched Lara dress from the corner of my eye.
"My soulmate, Bob?"
"You two are going to spend centuries together. Battling apocalypses, probably. By what I see, you'll amplify... Well, everything about each other."
No.
"Even the demon?" I growled.
Lara made a noise behind me. I turned to look. She was dressed and staring, eyes glittering.
"Harry, it's your souls that resonate. The demon is adjacent to her soul, not part of it. It doesn't participate in this connection. It can't. In fact, her soul may begin to drive it into hiding or even hibernation, depending on your choices together. This stuff is antithetical to a demon that feeds on selfish, one sided pleasure."
"I hate not having a fucking choice, Bob. This is not what I wanted to hear," I hissed through my teeth. "I need a fucking Coke." I turned and left.

https://www.academia.edu/116912822
​
Black Horse
​
Greek stories about people being turned into animals or plants are often folk etymological explanations of the name. This does not mean they arose only for that purpose, but that any archaic (then lost) words within would later be seen only as names. The myth that Meleager’s sisters mourned his death and were turned into guineafowls (G. meleagrís ) seems to be a clear example of this. Meléagros is unlikely to be named after this bird (this story seems old within IE, and these birds are not; an old character gaining a new name is not odd, but there is no reason for this bird to have provided it). Since guineafowls have a distinctive black and white pattern on their feathers, it instead is a compound of:
​
*mélH2n- > G. mélās ‘black’, *melH2nó- > G. melanós ‘blue-black’, Skt. maliná- ‘dirty’
​
*H2rg^ró- > G. argós ‘glistening/white / fast’, Skt. ṛjrá- ‘brilliant / fast’
​
The change *r-r > r-0 was *r-r > 0-r in the compound (and such dissimilation is often found in 2 or more variants). If this had *-H2H2-, the existence of -ea- would show loss of *H by *H with the *ǝ remaining (for *H pronounced *Hǝ, see Whalen 2024a). Then, *ǝ became a in most, e in Ion., 0 in some, but to e before a in all (*H1isH2ro- > *HihHro- = *HihHǝro- > *Hihǝro- > G. hierós \ hiarós \ iarós \ îros \ ros ‘mighty/supernatural’).
​
*mélH2n-H2rg^ró-? > *mélH2-H2rg^ró- = *melH2ǝ-H2ǝrg^ro- > *melǝ-H2ǝrgro- > *melǝ-H2ǝrgro- > *melǝ-H2argro- (V-color) > *melǝ-argro- > *mele-argro-
​
The cause of this confusion might come from Meléagros as “black steed”. If argós ‘fast’ was used in this way, just as *H1ek^wo-s ‘horse’ likely came from *oHk^u- ‘swift’, it would relate Meleager to Av. Kərəsāspa-, another monster-slaying hero. That Kərəsāspa- came from *Kərəša-aspa- with assimilation of *š-s > s-s argued in Whalen 2023 and others, adapted:
>
The Indic Aśvins were nameless and undifferentiated in Vedic songs of praise, but this might not be true if standard theory is wrong. The pair Yádu- & Turváśa- / Turvá- (ancestor of the Ārya- people) are very similar to the Aśvins. Since Turváśa- / Turvá- implies his name came from ‘swift’ and ‘swift horse’ (with v-v > v-0 in *Turváśva- > Turváśa-), a nearly certain connection exists. In the same way, Kṛśāśva- might be ‘*black horse / dark horse / (night) speckled horse’ (the mortal brother of the Açvins who pulled the chariot of the moon (and/or the sun at night, when it was hidden or passing over the dome of sky or below the ocean)), Av. Kǝrǝsāspa-, from *kWrsro-H1ek^wo-. It’s like *kWrsnyo- > Skt. kṛṣṇiyá- ‘(man protected by the Açvins)’. Since Kǝrǝsāspa- seems to be the same as Indra-, this implies some of my speculation is correct.
​
*kWrsino- > *kWrsno- > Skt. kṛṣṇá-, OPr kirsnan ‘black’
*kWrsir-pettro- ‘black bird’ > Av. Karšiptar-, Pahlavi Karšift (chief of birds, knows how to speak).
*kWrsro-H1ek^wo- ‘black horse’ > *Kṛsāśva- > Skt. Kṛśāśva-, Av. Kǝrǝsāspa- (s-assimilation, r-dissimilation)
>
​
Grey Horse
​
Khanizadeh supports Av. Pourušaspa- as “Grey Horse”, despite the short -a- when *Pouruša-aspa- would be expected. A name like ‘Having Grey Horses’ is possible, but not likely in a figure likely drawn from myth. The derivation from ‘having many horses’ is supported by commentaries and its placement in (adapted):
​
(may you have) as many horses as Pourušaspa
(may you be) as aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝcō as Kavi Haōsravah
​
The problem is that in a poem, Pourušaspa- appears where *Pourv-aspa- (or something equally long) is needed for the syllable count. That the name was thought to mean ‘having many horses’ and this origin would be supported by poetic needs (very conservative, using ancient values from at least Proto-Iranian time) requires some thought. If the name once “counted” for 3 syllables, it could continue being used this way by tradition long after sound changes had added another (such as happened for *Cy > Ciy, etc.). Since *H1ek^wo-s ‘horse’ became Iran. *(y)aćva-h (with optional *H1 = x^ > y ), *pǝrH1v-yaćva-h might be a good starting point. Some *HC became voiceless in Iran. (Whalen 2024b), so optional *Hv > *f is possible. Otherwise, just as Kərəsāspa- had assimilation of *š-s > s-s, the frequent assimilation of similar fricatives into identical ones in IIr. and Arm. makes it possible that *w > *v happened before this stage, and could participate in it. An older *sf > s vs. *sp > sp could explain *k^w > s(p); if *ćv > *śf > s(p), the stage with *v-f here could become *f-f. If *py > *fy had not taken place yet, *fy > š would be possible. This fits all constraints above:
​
*plH1u-H1ek^wo-s ‘having many horses’
*plH1w-yek^wo-s
*pǝrH1v-yaćva-h
*pǝrH1v-yaćfa-h
*parv-yaćfa-h
*paruv-yaćfa-h
*paruf-yaćfa-h
*parušaćfa-h
*parušaćpa-h
​
In the same poem, aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝcō is not corrupt. Just as Khanizadeh considers (with caution) that aṣ̌ǝm- could be a form of aṣ̌ava-, I am sure of it due to its origin. He quotes the Wištāsp Yašt vs. the Avestan Āfrīn ī Zardušt, showing that this line is remade as, “(may you be) as healthy & immortal as Kavi Haōsravah”. This shows an older understanding of what aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝcō once meant, restated after it had become obsolete.
​
I see here sound changes based on the odd Proto-IIr. form of this word that would exist here. The Av. aṣ̌avan- ‘truthful / righteous / following divine law’, Skt. ṛtā́van- ‘regular / proper / just / faithful’ show -a- vs. -ā-. Since they are surely compounds from Skt. ṛtá-, nom./acc. ṛtá-m, ‘fixed orde (religious) law / sacred action/custom / (divine) truth/law / faith/righteousness’, Av. aṣ̌a-, they would come from IIr. *ṛtám-van-. Though case endings in compounds are rare, this would distinguish it from the adj. Skt. ṛtá- right / fit / able / honest’. How *-mv- was treated at the time is unknown (it could be between 2 regular changes like *mw > m and *mv > nv), since this compound was “new” at the time. If *-amv- > -āv- in Skt., *-amv- > *-aɱ- in Iran., it would fit the data. This means IIr. could create a compound *ṛtám-vṇ+ṇ-mṛta- ‘righteous & immortal’. The very odd cluster of C’s *-mvnnmrt- (some syllabic) would be ripe for dissimilation, etc., that might regularly (?) produce aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝca-. Loss of *n between nasals is hardly odd; this part:
​
> *ṛtám-vṇ+ṇ-mṛta- > *ǝrtáɱṇ+ṇmǝrta- > *ǝrtáɱ+mǝrta- > *ǝrtám+mǝrta- > aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝca-
​
As for the different outcomes of *-rt-, since most became ṣ̌ in Av. (mǝrǝta- / mǝṣ̌a- ‘dead’), the intermediate steps could have been:
​
*
rt > rṭ > rṭṣ > rṣ̌ > ṣ̌
​
At a stage with 2 examples of *rṭṣ, dissimilation could have changed the 2nd to *č for:
​
*ǝrtám+mǝrta- > *ǝrṭṣám+mǝrṭṣa- > *ǝrṭṣám+mǝrča- > aṣ̌ǝm.mǝrǝca-
​
​
Khanizadeh, Mehrbod (2024) On the Etymology of the Avestan Personal Name pourušaspa
https://www.academia.edu/116677905
​
Whalen, Sean (2023) Indo-European Divine Twins
https://www.reddit.com/mythology/comments/10op7nj/indoeuropean_divine_twins/
​
Whalen, Sean (2024a) Environmental Causes of Greek *Ē > Ā, *H1 / *0 > E / Ē, *H / *0 > E / A / O / 0; Cretan Tā́n, Tálōn
https://www.academia.edu/114102584
​
Whalen, Sean (2024b) Laryngeals, H-Metathesis, H-Aspiration vs. H-Fricatization, and H-Hardening in Indo-Iranian, Greek, and Other Indo-European
https://www.academia.edu/114276820
​

Short book written over 20 years ago, but it features a ton of stories from lesser known promotions in the 80s and some good dirt and gossip from the 90s.
As always, it's in chronological order. I hope you enjoy some of the stories...
Missy hilariously says she was born in "nineteen-sixty-none-of-your-buisness! John Kennedy was president, and that's all you need to know."
Missy says she was teased a lot in high school, but after getting on TV, those same people would approach her at Walmart trying to be friendly. Missy would pretend to not remember them and then offer to autograph the box of pampers they were buying. Two pages in, and it's clear that this woman is awesome.
Missy says she first tried bleaching her hair blonde when she was 15 years old, dumping literal laundry bleach all over her head. It didn't work out as she hoped.
Missy didn't grow up a wrestling fan, but randomly got hooked when she was 16, and her dad was channel surfing the TV. She made him stop on an episode of a Georgia Championship Wrestling and loved it so much that she knew she wanted to be part of that world.
She had a crush on Tommy Rich, and she made a note to say she was 18 when she attended her first wrestling show. Because she wound up going down on Tommy in his car after the show.
She says she went to every wrestling show for months until Dory Funk's girlfriend asked her to start selling programs, and that was her first in to the business.
Missy's first wrestler boyfriend was Jake Roberts, which, as you can imagine, was eventful. She said she was young and naive and didn't realize he was a coke head for the first few months, but eventually, she tried with him one night at a club.
Jake Roberts liked to send Missy into bars and wait for some guy to try and chat her up, just so Jake can march in and make a big show about scaring the guy off. Missy called it psycho.
Missy says Jake was trying to get her into the wrestling buisness and even pitched an angle where she could attack him, but it never happened because Jake was worried they would be seen together out in public and kill the town. She laughs at this because a month later, Jake broke up with her.
She says she didn't take the breakup well because a week later, she went and slept with Jake's best friend, Road Warrior Hawk. She also says she got a boob job after the breakup.
A year later, Missy met John Tatum before he worked for Mid-Atlantic Wrestling, and they started dating. She notes how John was a better golfer than wrestler and would have been more successful if we went into pro golf.
Missy and John moved in together when John got a job working for Fritz Von Erich in World Class Championship Wrestling.
Missy saw a magazine article saying WWF was looking for a valet to pair with Randy Savage, so she sent a picture and a note in. WWF booker George Scott actually called her, and they spoke on the phone about the possibility of Missy managing Savage but she never heard back. Savage was able to get his real life wife the gig, so she was never going to get it.
News of this got to Fritz Von Erich, though, and he called her into a meeting where he decided to pair her with John and his valet. When Fritz asked what she wanted to be called, she blurted out "Constance" and immediately regretted it. Her name was Melissa, and John called her Missy, which Fritz liked, so that was that. Missy Hyatt was almost named Constance.
Missy says her first paycheck from Fritz was for $50, and she was jacked because it was essentially for just 5 minutes of work. She still has the pay stub. Some nights, she would make $200, but her biggest payday for just 5 mins of work was $1200, apparently.
Missy says John couldn't cut promos, and when he talked, it sounded like he had a mouth full of marbles, so she was immediately cutting promos for the both of them. She was initially terrified but said she fell into being a character the second the camera came on.
Missy said she came up with all her ringside antics, like looking bored when a rest hold happened or literally turning her back and filing her nails when John was getting beat up. She said she would routinely insult the front row audience members and even have John take one of their chairs for her before the match for heat.
Valerie "Sunshine" French was the one who taught Missy how to work and brawl. Missy says the first night they did a roll around cat fight, Missy started to crack up and laugh. An irate Sunshine yelled at her backstage, saying next time she'll rip her hair out for real. Missy says they both started laughing at how absurd everything was.
Missy remembers one night when a little old lady smacked her in the back of the head with a purse. She also remembers one night when several fans jumped the rail and got on top of her. She said she covered up, and it took security about 10 seconds to clear them.
Missy says peanut butter works best when trying to get gum out of your hair.
Missy says backstage, John would have her sit in the corner facing the wall for a lot of times.
Missy thought "kayfabe" was a name the boys called her before John eventually explained it.
Missy says John made her do literally all the driving from town to town.
Missy says the weirdest rib she got was from Buddy Roberts of the Free Birds. He snuck into the shower while she was in there, climbed up on the ceiling, and tried to pee on her. She was mortified, but John just laughed and said the Free Birds pee on people they like, and she should be honored.
Missy says a lot of wrestlers don't like having valets because they usually take attention away from them and distract the audience too much during matches.
WCCW booker Ken Mantel left the Von Erich ran organization for Universal Wrestling Federation in 1986, and he was able to convince the Freebirds, John Tatum and Missy Hyatt to come along with him. Missy said she felt guilty leaving Fritz, who got her the first big break of her career, but Ken liked booking John and Missy, so they went where the work was. Bill Watts was in charge and signed both John and Missy to $50,000 a year deals.
Missy says she never got along with Bill Watts and suggests it's because his son Eric had a massive crush on her. Missy would leverage this crush, bet her eyes at him, and Eric would literally do her laundry. Bill probably hated how much of a simp his son turned into around her.
Before coming to UWF, Missy says she heard Lynda "Dark Journey" Newton was a coke head. She throws a lot of shade at Dark Journey, saying, "She had no experience - unless blowing Dick Slater counts as experience." Dick Slater was Dark Journey's one-time boyfriend who got her into the business.
Missy says Dark Journey cheated on Dick Slater with a young Steve "Sting" Borden. Alledgedly, Slater found out and beat the shit out of Sting in the locker room at a show. Missy says Sting took the beating because he knew he was caught and because Slater had connections and could have ruined Sting at that point, according to Missy. Slater left the UWF a week or 2 later.
Missy says Dark Journey didn't know how to work and would legitimately beat her up every night. Missy was the heel, so she usually got beat up, and with Dark Journey, Missy says she would just snap and shoot for real most of the time.
Missy says this happens to a lot of guys who get all amped up, hear the crowd, and just sorta go nuts on their opponents. She says she knew a few guys in ECW who wouldn't step in the ring with Taz.
Missy says in the 6 months she worked with Dark Journey, Dark Journey broke Missy's thumb, chipped 2 of her teeth, and ripped out so much hair that Missy had a bald spot. It's here in the book that Missy reiterates again that she heard Dark Journey was a coke head, but never asked her about it.
Eddie Gilbert was a manager and sometimes wrestler who would help out with booking ideas. He was the one to pair himself and Missy her backing John Tatum and Jack Victory, while Eddie would manage Sting and Steiner. Missy stresses that it was a professional pairing because both were in relationships at the time. But soon, the sexual tension they had would boil over on camera with even the announcers mentioning it.
Missy says her relationship with John deteriorated over time to the point where she would go out of her way to not be around him. Missy and Eddie Gilbert would start seeing each there, and Missy would leave John.
Despite the fact that she and John broke up, booker Ken Mantel insisted they work together still, and since her team was fueding with Eddie's team, Bill Watts said he would fine or fire both of them if the fans saw them together. So Eddie and Missy had to sneak around a lot.
Missy lived in an apartment complex where a ton of fans also lived, so Eddie would have to sneak over. One night, while cooking dinner, she tripped the smoke detector, and the building had to evacuate everyone. Everyone except Eddie, who hid in the closest, inhaling smoke the whole time.
Missy says John was very mean to her while they worked together after the break up, until Missy finally threatened to quit. So Ken Mantell was able to cook up an angle where Missy joined Eddie's team and betrayed John.
She said the heat she got from the fans for betraying John was wild, and the UWF had to hire extra security for her matches and appearances. One night, an old lady grabbed her, and after security wrestled her away, they apparently found a butcher knife on the woman. She was ready to kill Missy Hyatt of all people.
Jim Crockett purchased the UWF in 1987, and Ken Mantell quit his job as booker, so Eddie and Missy wanted to be safe and mailed photos to Vince McMahon and the WWF. Vince called Missy personally to invite her and Eddie to New York to talk. Eddie spent the whole plane ride talking all excitedly about being the next Roddy Piper and getting way too excited. When they landed, Vince made it clear that although he was happy to hire Eddie in whatever role Eddie wanted, Vince wanted Missy. He told her how she would host her own Pipers Pit type show and get her own "Missy doll" and how she would be a star.
Missy says Eddie was obviously hurt and upset by this, and on the plane ride home, Eddie told Missy to take Vince's offer, but Eddie would be staying in the UWF where he was already offered Ken Mantell's role as the new booker. Missy was sad and crying, but Eddie insisted she should "go get that doll."
Jim Crockett technically didn't take ownership of UWF for a few months, and Bill Watts hated Vince, so he refused to let Missy out of her contract. He tried lying and saying he owned the name Missy Hyatt (he didn't) and was refusing to let her go, despite the fact that he was literally selling his promotion. Missy called Vince, who put her on the phone with Vince's wife, Linda McMahon. Linda was a lawyer who explained to Missy that they would help her. Eventually, Vince called Jim Crockett, who talked to Bill Watts, who eventually let Missy out of her contract. But Bill fined her $500 for missing a couple of shows while dealing with this fiasco.
She said the situation taught her a valuable lesson about trademarks, because she went out immediately and trademarked her name so no one could fuck with her. Good for her for doing that before the WWF tried!
Hilariously, Missy says years later, she fucked Bill Watts son, Eric, and then made him do her laundry one last time. She then rhetorically asks "How do you like that, Cowboy?"
In her final appearance, Missy wrestled a 4 way over the top rope match with Sunshine, Dark Journey and one other girl. She wanted revenge on Dark Journey for being so stiff all those months, so she had Eddie Gilbert show her some simple stretches she could slap on Journey. Unfortunately though Missy couldn't execute them correctly, and when Sunshine noticed what she was doing, Sunshine moved to the spot where she eliminates Missy. On her way out, Missy kicked Dark Journey so hard that Missy broke one of her toes.
The first time Missy met NBC Sports President Dick Ebersol, she thought he was a limo driver and made him carry her luggage. When she asked Vince how much should I tip that guy, pointing at Ebersol, Vince had a good laugh, then introduced him to her with his full name. Missy still didn't know who he was and told Vince, "Yeah, he already introduced himself." Vince again had a good laugh at this. She said she didn't know who he was until a month later when she saw him in a newspaper.
Missy was at dinner with Vince when Dick Ebersol asked to be part of the next Wrestlemania. Later that night when they were away from Ebersol, Vince had a big laugh at how "everybody wants to be part of Wrestlemania, but we don't need him!"
The first time she hosted her talk show Missy's Manor, she didn't know her guest, Honky Tonk Man, wasn't miked and she was supposed to hold the mic infront of his face. Jimmy Hart was off to the side trying to get her attention until Honky Tonk Man just leaned forward and grabbed the mic from her.
She also may have made a mistake when she asked Honky Tonk Man why he never actually plays the guitar. I guess he looked at her, stunned for a few seconds, until a panicked Jimmy Hart jumped in and took over the interview. Missy was mortified that her first segment bombed.
After a few more bad interviews, Vince pulled the plug, but promised Missy they would find something else for her. She said she had ideas on how to improve the interview segments, but was too nervous to speak up.
Vince wanted her to do an angle with Honky Tonk Man, but didn't know where it would actually go past the initial confrontation. When Missy told her boyfriend Eddie Gilbert about this, he was dead set against her and Honky Tonk Man working together in any way. Missy says she never did find out the reason.
Vince had also wanted her to be one of those random girls that accompanied random wrestlers to the ring. Eddie talked her out of that too, saying Missy doesn't share the spotlight with other girls. Eventually Eddie convinced her to come back to the UWF, so after a 2 month stint in WWF, Missy quit because she loved Eddie and genuinely didn't like the stuff Vince had in mind after the talk show idea fell apart.
She says Vince was very sweet and understanding when she quit and told her she could call him up if she wanted to work for the WWF again. She says she did actually call him up, nearly a decade later in 1997, begging for a job. She says Vince also let her keep all the clothes they bought for her in the few months she worked for the WWF.
Missy says she wished she could rag on Vince, but the truth is that he was always very sweet to her and did give her an opportunity to be a star. The only gossip or dirt she had was that apparently you could always see the lines of his underwear through his pants, and that his shirt was always noticeably bunched up under his belt at the front of his pants. She said "That always skeeved me about Vince."
Missy says the first time she saw a Sable doll in a toy isle at WalMart, she freaked out and started throwing them around the isle until the manager kicked her out. She never got her Missy doll.
Jim Crockett busted her chops when she came back the UWF saying "aren't you that big WWF star?" They had a good laugh before Missy formally asked for her job back. Jim said of course and sent her to talk to Dusty Rhodes, who was over seeing creative/ booking.
Missy was paired alongside Jim Ross for commentary work. She said she liked it more than interviewing people and that Jim Ross would call the moves and do analysis, she was just required to be entertaining.
Missy and Eddie Gilbert got married durring a Halloween Party in 1988, and they didn't tell their guests. They threw a "Halloween" party, where they dressed up as a bride and groom, and halfway through a real legit Justice of the Peace shows up to officiate and all their friends and colleagues are stunned. She said it was actually video tapped and traded around amongst wrestling fans for years. She makes a note in the book that she would love a copy if anyone has one floating around.
Eddie Gilbert didn't like working under Dusty Rhodes as booker when the UWF was folded into the NWA. So when Jerry Lawler to book for United States Wrestling Association in Memphis, he said yes immediately. Of course Missy went with him.
Memphis was a step down though since it wasn't broadcast on cable and Missy said she started to become a bit of a prima donna in Memphis, due to her exposure in bigger promotions.
Missy talks about how Eddie Gilbert idolized Jerry Lawler, and says after several months of working for Lawler in USWA, she was able to convince Lawler to give her one of his crowns. She gave it to Eddie as a gift and she says he wore it all over the house and was like a kid on Christmas morning. She says there is a great picture of him smiling and wearing the crown, and that picture is now engraved on Eddie's Tombstone. I personally don't know a lot about Eddie Gilbert, but Missy does a wonderful job at endearing the reader towards him and their relationship.
Missy says Jerry Jarret and Jerry Lawler would tale turns booking Memphis, swapping out of the role every 6 months.
Missy call Jerry Jarrett a "piece of work" and says his face should be pictured next to the word "redneck." She says he would spit tobacco into a cup on his desk all the time and through meetings.
Missy says Eddie Gilbert was offered "head booker" position for Continental Wrestling Federation in Montgomery, Alabama and he immediately took it. Missy of course went with him but finished up in Memphis without Eddie for a couple weeks.
Missy recalls a night when Eddie was working out of town and she was at home Eddie returned the next day without his wallet or wedding ring, but he had a "story" he told about how he left that stuff in the hotel room, and went out to eat. When he came back, his wallet and ring were gone. Missy questioned why he would leave to eat without his wallet, and she knew his routine. If he took his ring off, he also took his Rolex off and stored everything in a fanny pack. The story didn't add up and Missy couldn't let it go.
Missy called around to wrestlers wives asking if they hear any stories, and while no one had anything on Eddie, she did hear about Sid Vicious getting robbed in the same town. Apparently, Sid met a girl and took her back to his hotel room, but somewhere along the way, the girl spiked his drink. By the time they got to the hotel room, Sid was woozy and passed out, allowing this girl to rob him blind. Missy figures the same thing happened to Eddie, that he took off his wedding ring to pick up a girl and got drugged and ripped off. She never confronted him about it, but didn't let it go either.
A month later Missy says she cheated on Eddie with Dr Tom Pritchard. They were working a program together and both very attracted to one another. After a show one night the two had sex in a car parked outside the venue, as fans and other wrestlers walked by and saw the rocking car and foggy windows. Everyone in the organization knew, so of course Eddie knew. Just like Missy never confronted Eddie on his infidelity, Eddie never confronted her either. They were both just silent and angry and hurt.
When Crockett Promotion was bought and turned into WCW, Dusty Rhodes reached back out to Eddie, wanting him on the booking team to go head to head with the WWF. Again Eddie said yes, so he and Missy were headed back to Georgia. Missy and Eddie would end up each getting 2 year contracts with WCW.
Missy says Kevin Sullivan hated Eddie Gilbert and would routinely undermine him on the booking committee and ensure his idea's got rejected.
Missy says it would be a waste to talk about Kevin Sullivan, so she just tells a funny story about running into his wife Nancy (the future Nancy Benoit) after Nancy and Kevin split up. Missy made a comment to Nancy about how good she looks and Nancy attributed that to no longer being with Kevin. Missy then told Nancy that when Kevin Sullivan dies, Missy wants to dance on his grave. Apparently, Nancy responded with "That's going to be a long conga line."
Missy remembers the first time she met Ted Turner, apparently he asked to meet her because people were waving Jim over to her saying "she's over here!" Missy reached her hand out to shake his, but Ted wrapped his arms around her waste, pulled her in close and said "Baby, wanna mud wrestle?" Then he grabbed her ass. Yikes. She called him a redneck and noted how this was while Ted was single, but still calls it gross.
Missy calls Ric Flair a "big perv" who creeped her out on a regular basis. He would talk about pubic hair all the time and told people he wouldn't sleep with a woman who shaves down there. He had a saying, "No hair, no Flair."
Missy says she and others used to play a drinking game while watching Lex Kuger wrestle. They would take a drink anytime Lex touches his crotch while wrestling. She says Lex would routinely adjust himself in the ring and they would drink themselves under the table very quickly with this game.
Miss says their marriage never recovered from the cheating and Eddie was miserable in WCW where none of his booking ideas got off the ground. One time Eddie thought he was going to join the Four Horseman before that plan fell through as well, and Missy suspects Kevin Sullivan had something to do there.
Missy says in the summer of 1989, Eddie left her. He moved out of town, quit his job and just left. They had 2 dogs, Missy kept one and Eddie took the other. She was caught off guard by how calm and relaxed Eddie was while finally leaving her.
Missy met Mark "Buff" Bagwell at an apartment complex she was looking at moving into. She is the one who told him he should get into wrestling, and we can all thank Missy Hyatt for exposing the world to Buff Bagwell. She moved in next door to him and was kinda bummed to find he had a girlfriend, and really irritated at how thin the walls of the apartment complex were.
Missy says Jim Ross set her up with a football player for the Atlanta Falcons named Bill Fralic and a month later, Eddie sent her divorce papers.
Eddie would randomly show up at her apartment complex early one morning. He hopped the gate and rushed the house, angry that Missy was seeing someone else. He apparently knocked over Bagwell's BBQ grill, thinking it was the new boyfriends. Eddie then stormed into the house yelling "where is he!?" But Bill Fraloc was almost a foot taller than Eddie and over 70 pounds bigger, so when Bill woke up and came out asking "do we have a problem?" A deflated Eddie actually said "No, your the football player right? I'm a big fan." Eddie and Bill talked for a bit before they shook hands and Eddie left.
Missy says she and Bill broke up a month or 2 later, but that started her "football player kick" where she dated a dozen or so NFL players over the next couple years.
Missy dated "The Wonder Years" star Jason Hervey for 2 years and calls him the best boyfriend she ever had. He was 18 and she was 26, he was about 4 inches shorter than her, but she seemed to genuinely love the time they spent together.
Missy remembers how the wrestlers in WCW would all make fun of Jason Hervey behind his back, but then all suck up to him in person and try to get a spot on The Wonder Years. She says Eric Bichsoff was the worst because he hounded Jason everytime he was backstage at a show.
Missy cheated on Jason with a hockey player Rod Brind'Amour, who presently coaches the Carolina Hurricanes. She said he was ripped, but she had to mentally put a bag over his head because of how messed up his face was from playing hockey. She confessed to Jason a week later, and they broke up.
Missy says Jason was only 21 when they broke up and handled it as badly as you expect a 21 year old kid to react. After Eddie Gilbert, she wasn't ready for how emotional Jason got, but he eventually promised to ship all her belongings back to her home. When she got them, she found he had peed on every single box. He was very very 21 years old.
Missy says football player Jim Kelly and her flirted a ton, so when she was single she started teaching out to him. Jim Kelly played for the Buffalo Bills and they were set to compete in the Superbowl for the 4th year in a row and prefaced the next story by saying Jim was under a lot of stress. After their first date, Missy took him home and they started making out on the bed, before he started to shudder and said "Oh excuse me." He came in his pants, and they were just kissing. Missy says she found it was kinda sweet but he was annoyed. She doesn't say it outright but you could tell after all the flirting that she was disappointed. She makes a joke saying "No wonder the Bills never won the superbowl in those 4 years they made it." And then she said "Sorry Jim."
To Missy's credit, she calls herself a bitch a lot throughout the book and doesn't hold back on her opinions or the truth.
Missy says Eric Bishoff was pissed when she broke up with Jason, and punished her by pairing her with the Nasty Boys as their manager. Missy said at the time she suggested working with Steve Austin and Brian Pilman, thinking the Hollywood Blondes would fit will with her gimmick and look. She didn't have anything in common with The Nasty Boys though and they didn't match looks.
Missy was shocked when The Nasty Boys won the tag titles, and figures that was done because Dusty Rhodes sister-in-law was married to Jerry Sags of the Nasty Boys.
Missy says Biahoff gave her zero mic or interview time, no bits before, during or after matches, told the camera men not to shoot her and the broadcasters now to mention her.
During a PPV match, Sags got hurt, so Missy had to jump in the ring and cause the planned DQ finish. During the scuffle, hee left boob popped out in a wardrobe malfunction. A month later, Missy and Nasty Boys went to the CNN Center to pose for pictures, and outside the door to thr photography studio, there was a picture of her, with her boob hanging out, posted on the bulletin board! She was livid, snatched the photo, marched to Eric Bichoff and demanded to know who was responsible. Bishoff never got back to her, so she found someone above Bishoff, a vice president with the Turner Organization that she brought the issue to. The next day, Bishoff fired her.
Missy sued Bishoff and WCW, but it was initially over merchandising money she wasn't paid in the past couple years. She had a ton of examples of merchandise she moved and was never paid for. When she told her lawyer about the picture of her exposed boob posted in the Turner offices, the lawyer added in sexual harassment. Missy says that's when shit hit the fan.
She isn't allowed to talk about the lawsuit, legally, so all she says is "The litigation was concluded, after approximately 18 months, in December 1996, and I am very pleased with the outcome." Missy got the bag it would seem.
Missy was more or less black balled from most wrestling promotions after WCW fired her and she sued them. She spent a month indulging in pills and depression before moving to New York where, thanks to her and Eddie Gilbert's old friend Paul Heyman, she got a job as a bartender.
One night, while working at the bar, Paul Heyman called Missy, to tell her Eddie Gilbert had passed away. He wrestled a match in Puerto Rico, and then had a heart attack in his sleep and never woke up.
Missy says Eddie's dad never liked her and blamed her for all Eddie's issues after they divorced. He even blamed Missy when Eddie married Medusa for 10 minutes shortly after Eddie and Missy broke up. Missy decided she shouldn't go to the funeral if it will make her father uncomfortable. She found a picture of the 2 dogs her and Eddie had, and wrote a poem on the back of it before mailing it to Eddie's mom, along with a big flower display. The picture and poem were placed inside the casket and Missy heard her flowers were front and center. She says it was a packed house for his funeral, standing room only. She calls it "Eddie's last show, and he sold out the house."
Missy says 6 months later she had lunch with Eddie's mom and visited his grave where she was finally able to pay proper respect to the man she loved.
She makes a point here that Missy and Melissa (her real name) share a lot in common, but it wasn't Missy who married Eddie, it was Melissa. Missy didn't mourn him, Melissa did. She said the love she had for him had nothing to do with the work they did or the angles they had, it was a real connection between two people. She finishes by saying "Hot Stuff Eddie Gilbert didn't die, my ex-husband did. And it hurt."
When her lawsuit with WCW finally wrapped, she was able to work in the wrestling buisness again, so Paul Heyman immediately hired her in early 1997 in ECW.
Missy was paired with Sandman and notes how some guys didn't like to work with him because he was at least half drunk all the time and had bad body oder.
Missy says Sandman's wife accused Missy of sleeping with Sandman and even hit her with a boot once. But Missy maintains nothing happened between them and I believe her. She mentions damn near everyone she slept with in this book, from Road Warrior Hawk to Raven to a bunch of football and hockey players. She said one time while driving past a cemetery, Sandman asked her of she ever had sex on a grave and she thinks (hopes) he was only joking. That's the most sexual their conversations ever got.
Missy has nothing but good things to say about Francine in ECW, but nothing but bad things to say about Beulah. She calls Beulah a bitch and tells a story about how difficult she was when Missy wanted to shoot a calendar with the women of ECW. She makes fun of Beulah for her early days appearing an adult magazine called Cheri. Missy says Cheri made Hustler look like Reader's Digest. She does note how Beulah was quick to leave the wrestling buisness shortly after Missy got there, and tried excusing her poor attitude as someone who was looking to put wrestling behind them.
One time in the ring with Dreamer, Sandman, Beulah and another girl named Kimona, Missy got pissed when Beulah and Kimona started making out and getting all the attention. She told Sandman to pour one of his beers down the front of her chest and she says no one was looking at those 2 girls again. She finishes the story by saying "No one upstaged Missy."
Sandman's wife legit broke Missy's elbow when they were supposed to have one of those dumb cat fights. At some point Sandman's wife grabbed hold of a kendo stick and swung it as hard as possible, catching Missy in the arm and breaking her elbow. Missy says it happened because Sandman's wife was paranoid about Sandman cheating on her and took offence to some shit Missy said in a working promo.
Missy was done working like that in ECW and asked Paul Heyman if she could announce alongside Joey Styles, when he said no, she quit ECW.
She briefly worked as an announcer for the short lived American Wrestling Federation, but that promotion made no money ever and quickly shut its doors.
Missy mentions a couple relationships and flings in the book, but one of the last ones is a hookup with Val Venis. She calls it "the shortest, lamest sex I've ever had. Talk about a guys gimmick not being him!"
Missy was done with the wrestling buisness after a decade and half, and says she spent a year earning her medical technician certificate, and got a job prepping movie stars and models for boob jobs. Good for her!
The book ends with her saying she is working on her bachelor's degree with a major in psychology and a minor in political science. She was still doing the odd indi shows but hardly gets recognized on the streets anymore. This book was published in 2001 so she would have written it before then, probably in 2000.
Looking her up online she did graduate with a degree in Psychology! She did a few random indi appearances and one TNA appearance a couple years ago, but that's it.
The book ends with her listing her top 10 wrestling regrets...
Never worked a Wrestlemania for WWF.
Never got to tell Eddie Gilbert how much she admired him and how much he taught her.
Never kicked Sandman's wife's ass. She is dead serious, as of writing the book you can tell she really really wanted to.
Never slept with Sweet Stan Lane.
Never somersaulted backwards off the top rope.
Never got a tongue lashing from Gene Simmons of Kiss.
Never gave Sunshine enough credit for showing me how to catfight.
Never lewinskied Jesse Ventura.
Never studied psychology while active in the buisness.
Never got that Missy Doll.
This was a fun, and short read. Not a lot of research done on her behalf, it was all done from memory so she rarely mentioned what year the stories were taking place in and she talked a lot about hooking up with wrestlers, unafraid of naming them. I'd love to know how much she made off the WCW lawsuit though.
My previous reports, if anyone is interested...
Andre the Giant book
Hulk Hogan book
Bret Hart book
Bruce Hart book
History of Stampede Wrestling book
Owen Hart death as documented in various different books
Montreal Screwjob as documented in various different books
History of the Hart Family as documented in various books
Roddy Piper book
Gorgeous George book part 1
Gorgeous George book part 2
Billy Graham book
The Young Bucks book
Jim Ross 2nd book
Brock Lesnar book