Funny middle school quotes

Hi, I am looking for a book that I started reading in middle school. This was about 7 years ago. I cannot remember what the book is called or who the author is but I do remember some points. They may be wrong or off a little so bare with me.
It may have a blue cover but I am not 100% sure on that. The book is about a family who I believe owns a donut shop if not it is a restaurant. They definitely own some type of store. I believe both parents are in the picture and there are 2 or 3 kids. I can't remember if its told from a girl or a boy but the main character is one of the older siblings. There is a younger brother and he dies in his sleep from, if I remember correctly, either an epidural hematoma or subdural hematoma.
I am struggling to find this book and it has been in my brain ever since. Any suggestions help. Thank you so much.

I believe a close friend of mine is what triggered this.
I'm addicted to validation, because it is the proof that I'm worthy. That I'm more outside pre defined definitions.
I'm not smart, until someone tells me I am/a outcome occurs that proves that I am. I'm not pretty unless a person/outcome occurs that proves I am.
And it works the other way around, if an outcome/person tells me a negative thing about myself, I'll believe it. Especially if it's an outcome.
Honestly, it's the reason I bredcrum. The idea of someone having a crush on me is like crack, yet I'm too scared to try out a real relationship. So, I'll flirt, play around, and keep someone on my leash as long as possible. When I see them lose interest, when I see them eventually leave that toxic trap, I get upset. Because now my attention is gone.
Second example. Funny. A normally positive definition for someone, but it's haunted me for years. Because that's all I'm known as. In 5th grade, we had an assignment where you put a sticky note on someone's desk, giving them a compliment. All I got was "Funny". Not smart, not cool, not pretty even. Funny.
To dive back into the first sentence of this post, a friend that I was really happy with because I felt like she got a "deeper" side of me, could only bring up something "funny" I did. The topic happened to be about "our major friendship events of the year", and hoe we saw eachother.
Was I mad? No, just disappointed. Again. I feel like my only worth to some people is my jokes. I do have a sly sense of humor, making a out of pocket joke out of anything, but it's become more of a trauma response when I don't feel like I'm getting attention.
I'm a bit like a car, constantly needed fuel aka attention. I can run for a bit with some, but eventually it'll need to be refilled. Depending on my life, I might need my "gas tank" filled more often. And when I don't get that, I shut down. Self isolation, thinking the worse, anxious, looking down on myself.
Now, I'll talk about the positive side, because I am deciding to be better so...
1) I might be hanging out with the wrong crowd. Lately, it seems like I've been doing better with the "weird" kids, rather than the more "normal" people I hang with. One of my friends said before she talked to me, I seemed like a really cool person. That compliment was rejuvenating. I've opened up to her, but since I'm switching schools, its going to be harder to talk (or not, who knows?)
I do have the desire to be liked by everyone, and I wish I could just "morph" into the most likeable version of myself for each specific person.
2) Self trust and worthiness. I've been working on following through with the things I want to do, and doing little favors for my future self. I'm looking at myself more as a friend, than a stranger. Still a WIP, but Km doing better when it comes to understanding "future me", and making decisions that would benefit her. I know that I can't expect different results with the same actions so, I'm taking little steps to take care of myself.
3) Shadow work, trauma responses, triggers. I've been writing more poems, and letting my thoughts ramble. I've always been identifying triggers, but lately I've been really thinking about them. As in, an objective rather than emotional manner.
After that extremely long ramble, I guess I'm wondering what steps to take here. Social life is hard lol

one thing i unfortunately learned from this whole kyrgyzstan situation is that our people are fragile and cannot fight at all. From all the videos i watched, it didn’t seem like they were really doing any damage, they were simply punching and kicking. i didn’t see any stabbing or shooting.
I’m pakistani myself but i grew up in the united state & over here we’ve been getting into street fights ever since elementary school. people/kids don’t slap or kick, they use pure fists, which is capable of putting YOU into a SEIZURE.
just imagine if your average Pakistani ate lots of protein, exercised and didn’t slap in fights like little girls, how different would the situation be?
if i or the average American middle schooler was put into that situation, i guarantee you i’d come out with a body count of 20 or more because i saw how those kyrgystan folks were fighting 😂😂 their movements were so slow and predictable.

At have triggers in this short story...My parents will be addressed as my abusers one of my two brothers will be called affect sex offender the other brother will be called a molester who molested me my sister is going to be called I take everything way too serious she's a b**** so she's bitch growing up we were in a very abusive home where we each got our own way of abuse from our deezers I have an older brother and another sister from my mother first married I am my first born to my father and the firstborn grandchild on my father's side I have another brother he followed me 18 months later and I was pretty mean to him I saw man digging it up dumpster and My dumb brother asked what he was doing I said he's probably looking for you because that's where we found you and my abusers would abuse me all the time I literally memorized my Pepe's phone number so I would pack my Barbie suitcase and I would sit on the curb by a sewer line where I wasn't supposed to sit but I would stay at my grandparents' house for days months I did private school through them I went to regular school through town I would be the one to call 911 on my grandfather when he went into the hospital that day plays everyday in my head and he makes me cookie and all he would say is Cookie get the elephant off my chest get the elephant off my chest I knew it wasn't going to be good and I was right he was roughly in the hospital a couple of weeks and he passed he passed in the middle of the night this is when I realized I was in bath at the age of 12 he came to me he said he loves me and he said that he will always be by my side and protect me and yes they just were the other person I miss in my family is the closest I had with my uncles and cousins due t my abusers they turn the family on me cuz apparently whatever my abuser says went down exactly how they say it but they never told them what they did to me there's one thing that goes in my head and it pis me off my abusers is things in front of my siblings and I I remember one of my siblings getting beat up I remember a sibling nail it kneeling in the kitchen on rice I remember another sibling getting away with absolutely everything the sex offender the molester was forced out of the home because I had a big mouth and I was telling everybody the state I came from was Massachusetts and they failed to me I moved to Florida with my other abuser to meet my other abuser you had one of my siblings with her all I have to say is a sex offender is held at a higher standard in my family then someone who committed robberies with no weapon I'm not saying I'm right and I'm not saying I'm wrong I'm saying I did my time no I didn't go find God in jail for prison that's not why I went to do my time my time was to do 27 months it wasn't to find God I was supposed to rehab and I didn't do that because they are idiot Florida correctional institution is insane and I am happy to say that me and a nurse closed Broward county institution for women due to the neglect the living conditions the rats the cockroaches the bed bugs the spider bites I have so many scars from them that it's insane as an intention in my leg where the brown recluse spider bite ate the muscle in my leg and when they would take the dressing off they would have to put a white cheek close by because the pus and the nasty muscle that turned into pus and turned into deteriorating muscles I thank her everyday and I wish wish I knew where she was so I could give her a great big hug and tell her thank you for sticking by me they transferred her because I made a mistake and gave her a hug out on compound and they transferred her to a different person but other inmates for telling me she was giving them messages to tell me she wasn't giving up on me and that she was still looking into it I owe her everything the little bit of time that I had with this nurse showed me love remorse didn't judge me and admired me for owning everything I did ruining my children to get life ruining my own life making my husband and my life difficult my stepson is never happy with me anymore there's nothing I can do and I'm not going to fight it no more I don't care I'm not going to let it bother me the past is the past I learned my lesson I got out in 2005 have not been in trouble with the loss jail and prison for hell and I'm never going back there's nothing that anybody could do to make me want to go back ever again and I'm withholding 2005 to present day 2024 clean off drugs sober off of I've been off drugs I haven't relapsed I'm a very proud of myself and I hope that I inspire somebody to tell their story of abuse and a correctional institution and I will look into it and I'll see what I can do to make the situation better Florida is not known for their wonderful persons in jails their roads infested their nasty they make the inmates live in unconditional situations I want to put my dog in the guards overstep their boundaries every which way we could insulted you made you feel like you were nobody you already took my freedom you're going to take myself to steam too then lock up the whole fat was just a trip and a half every time they could they would put me in the hole why I wasn't doing anything you know why because I found out that people were going around after they found out with my charges were I wonder who he told people that the person guards only knew what I did the inmates wanted to do them and every time something came up missing in a pot I was in it was my fault and didn't even matter it couldn't even be my and I would get in trouble because they said I stole and I never in a million years stole anything from anybody I had my own money coming in and I was buying my own things and my story will continue because it's not over yet......

I had my first baby 10 months ago, and I’m not sure where to go from here.
My psoriasis began 20 years ago when I was in middle school. For a long time it was just on my scalp, then it moved to my face. When I was in my early 20s it started on my stomach. I used Clobetasol on it, and that worked fairly well. I became vegan and during those 7 years it went back to just my scalp and face.
During my pregnancy I reincorporated some eggs and dairy. During my pregnancy I basically didn’t have psoriasis at all. In the 10 months since delivering, it has gotten insanely bad. It is spreading all over my body. My arms, chest, stomach, lower back, scalp, face, ears, and even on my shin now. I am transitioning back to a mostly vegan diet.
I am going to the dermatologist soon, but I am curious what others have done. We are planning to transfer our last embryo in Dec 2025. I know a lot of the more intense meds for psoriasis are probably not pregnancy safe - what did you all do during this timeframe?

Hello Snap community. My name's Qinalo. If you've known me before, whether through reddit, KM's Discord, or the Snap Discord, you should know me most for one of 2 things -

1. I've played Hela since season 13 last June with a 63+% winrate each season
2. I am a Domino-truther

And these 2 things are related. You see, my favorite card in Snap is Jubilee. I play Hela because Hela is a deck that plays Jubilee. And I am a Domino-truther because my favorite card is Jubilee.
If I'm being honest, I often don't like being a Domino-truther. You can't be a Domino-truther if you are thin-skinned and bad at maths like KMBest (KMBest said himself that he can't do the Domino math on his podcast with Lamby). I have gotten into so many online debates over Domino in the past 10 months, at some point you get sick of it. Saying that Domino is a good card in some decks is one of those unpopular opinions that seem to trigger many in our community. But I guess that's the funny thing about being a truther - once you've had your moment on the way to Damascus, it's a cross you have to bear. Because truth can't be denied. There are FOUR LIGHTS!
When I started playing Domino, America Chavez was still 6/9 with her old ability. At the time, I played Domino in an Iron Lad deck with Jubilee, my favorite card. Then, when Loki came out, I played Domino in a deck with Loki, Iron Lad and Jubilee. This seemed to mystify and sometimes anger people. Still, if they asked, I would explain the reason to them. This was one example from 9 months ago-

Domino serves a lot of roles in the deck that give you an edge in the mirror. She's here to~
Improve your Jubilee and Lad pulls
Improve your draws after you Loki - drawing Domino early means Prof X and Dino are more likely still in your deck late
Improve your odds of Snowguard in opening hand to 40% with Chavez
Protect Loki from getting sniped by Dani (Mirage) in the mirror
Guarantee a T2 play so you don't lose a draw by playing Coulson
Act as a brick pull for your opponent's Loki
Help win priority on turn 3 for Cosmo
Confuses and tilts opponents

So yes, last week KMBest correctly pointed out that one reason to play Domino is to increase your chance of drawing your 1s on turn 1, but he's couldn't do the Domino math to figure out the rest.
The question is - why is Domino good in Jubi-Blink decks?
I read on reddit that Jeff Hoogland did the math on his stream that the chance of drawing the Jubilee-Blink combo is 73% without Domino, and 69% with Domino, so playing Domino is 4% worst. Hoogland did the obvious math to the wrong problem - I'm not surprised since he does say that he used be a high school math teacher. Also, clearly Jubilee is not his favorite card.
You see, the Domino math that explains why Domino is good in Jubilee-Blink decks is actually very simple, and you don't need a calculator or a college education to do it.
Yes, playing Domino hurts your probabilIty of drawing the T4 Jubilee, T5 Blink combo.
Yes, playing Domino hurts your probability of drawing Blink BY turn 5.
But -
What if what matters isn't drawing Blink BY turn 5, but instead what you wanted is to draw Blink ON turn 5, and not before? The solution to the problem is very obvious if you approach it as someone who loves to play Jubilee in Snap.
In Snap, you have 12 cards in a deck. Before each match, the 12 cards are shuffled into a random order. We can number them 1 to 12, 1-3 being the cards in your opening hand and 12 being the bottom.
When you play Jubilee a lot, you realize that when you play Jubilee on turn 4, what you care about is the #8 card - the top card, the card you would usually draw on turn 5. As I alluded to above, Jubilee is not the only card that cares about the #8 card - Iron Lad cares about the same card, as does Loki (indirectly). When you are playing any of these 3 cards, which card is the #8 card makes a very big difference to whether or not you will win or lose the match. And the reason to play Domino, the reason why Domino's ability is good, is that Domino's ability sees to it that she is NOT card #8. Nor #9, nor #10, nor #11.
So the math that solves the problem of why Domino is good in this deck is, as I said, very simple.
Without Domino, the chance that any specific card is card #8 is 1/12, or 8.3%.
With Domino, the chance that any specific card is card #8 is 1/11, or 9.1%. Same with card #9 and card #10.
Ok, so how does Domino help Blink? Well, Domino doesn't directly help Blink, but she does help Blink indirectly, and she helps Blink decks. Domino doesn't help BlInk directly because obviously you don't usually want to Jubilee INTO Blink (although that is not a disaster either). But Domino does help Blink indirectly, because there is a very good reason to not want to draw Blink BEFORE turn 5 - Leech (at least for now). Domino helps Blink decks because Blink decks play cards that are good Jubilee hits, cards that you want to be #8, #9 or #10.
So Domino is a good card for a deck that is playing both Jubilee and Blink. On the other hand, Jubilee-Blink isn't the best deck for Domino, because Jubilee-Blink has a specific combo it wants to hit. Domino is better in decks like Iron Lad or Loki that doesn't care about hitting a specific card #8, when any 5 or 6 cost card is a good Lad hit or topdeck draw on turn 5 or turn 6. Which is usually good enough.
So in other words, Domino's ability helps your deck draw its early plays ON turns 1 and 2, and helps your deck draw your late game plays ON turns 5 and 6. To me that's a very good ability and one that I've found that helps me win more than most other 2 cost cards. I prefer draw my small cards early and my big cards late, and not the other way around, and Domino helps with that, seems to me like a valuable ability. Where Domino does hurt most is on turn 3, so a deck playing Domino needs to have more turn 3 plays than usual. Zabu used to solve this issue easily by turning your 4 cost cards into turn 3 plays. Domino hurting your probability of drawing a specific card BY a specific turn diminishes as a match progresses, and is minimal to trivial by the final turn compared to playing any other normal card in your deck.
Anyway, I decided to write this so that in the future if someone asks why I'm playing Domino I can just refer them to this and make my life as a Domino-truther suck less.
The name is Qinalo, mon ami. Remember it...

I was just thinking today about how I was looking forward to middle school as a kid. Elementary school was so awfully boring, but I also didn't really have any real friends so that didn't help. Still though, the thing is that I spent a lot of time by myself and that involved watching a lot of TV. And I'm not from the US, I live in Europe, but the TV shows were all from the US. And they kinda gave me a really cool fantasy of what school was gonna be like after elementary school. And yeah I'm sure anyone reading this is gonna think that, well, of course it's not actually like on TV, TV is fiction. But trust me, this is gonna be way more disappointing than you think. But I mean, at least I wasn't bullied, most people just sorta left me alone instead, so I don't wanna act as if school must definitely be better in other places. It's just that, it was so boring.
Hmm where do I begin. Two things constantly said in these TV shows that left me confused, kids often talked about classes they take, consider taking and don't take. And kids often talked about "this person from my x class". This gave me the idea that, unlike in elementary school, I'd get to at least somewhat choose what classes I might wanna take. Not at all how it worked, at least not at the schools that were options for me at the time I went to middle school in the early 2000s, as far as I can tell. I say as far as I can tell cause it was never explained to me either, it was explained to my parents, so that they could maybe talk to me and figure what to do with me. Anyway, you either went to trade school, which was seen as a huge embarrassment to your parents cause you are an idiot that's probably not gonna do college, or for 7th and 8th grade you decide on one of two options; latin or modern languages. Both of those come with a certain set of classes, you can't not take any of them and you can't take any that don't come with it. My parents didn't put much thought in it, they were just told that since I did so well in elementary school I should go for latin, as that's what smart kids do. It doesn't come with many interesting classes to me, but to be honest neither did the other option. I would have much rather gone to trade school, which has a technical studies option too that would come in handy for college, but many people just didn't like having to say that their kid goes to the trade school. In fact, I had a few people in my group failing on purpose cause they told their parents they wanna go to trade school but were just not allowed, so they protested by failing. Anyway, the other thing that had me confused about that, all classes are taken with the same group. You're in a group of about 20 people, they all have the same classes cause you don't get to pick and choose, why not have them do every class together. I'm not sure if that's supposed to get the group to know each other better or something, but really the result is just that you really don't get to know so many people. If you don't like any in this group so much, well tough luck, everybody only hangs out with people of their own group. You weren't even allowed to sit with people from another group for lunch, they assigned you a seat at a table for your group. And you know, many of them are kinda the same. This school was just for those two options I mentioned anyway, which are for preparing kids to continue to college in the future, anybody wanting to do any trade or anything technical would be at a different school that focuses on those. Oh and also, not a single girl in our group, I didn't really care at the time but thinking back about it it does seem kinda weird to have years of middle school where all classes were boys only. Alright on to the next topic to pick. Hmm how about the whole thing with the activities at school they always have on TV. You know, clubs, sports, arts, dances, science fairs, even elections for something? Yeah I did totally wonder what my future school was gonna have. Which was nothing, in fact I went to three different schools from 7th to 12th grade and they all had nothing. It's just not a thing here I guess? There is not a single thing to do other than go to your set of classes that day and go back home. No special events of any kind either, just an occasional educational school trip. But certainly nothing that would make you meet any people with similar interests, or anything social at all really. Here's sorta how it works instead. You wanna do any of this, you sign up for it somewhere else and go there after school. Like my city did have a music school and a drawing school for example, so if you wanna go to a 2nd school on some days after going to your 1st school that day then you're free to do that. Of course it'll be with completely different people that you probably don't ever see anywhere else. I was in an unrelated sports team for example, we played a game on saturdays that is only attended by parents and practiced 2 hours after school one day in the week. And I never saw anyone on the team ever outside of those couple of hours per week. That's also one kinda problem with that isn't it, the kids learning music or drawing at those specific schools after their main schools probably got to show off the things they learned at times, but only fellow kids at those specific schools and their parents would ever know about it. They never get to show off the stuff they learned to kids at their main schools.
Here's a little short one for in between that is kinda odd, personal lockers. Nobody ever got their own locker, not at any of the three schools I went to. We just stuff all our crap in our backpack and bring it home. Then in the morning figure out what we need that day, and carry it all back to school in our backpack. In elementary school we had a desk at school with a little space for books, but from middle school you're not always in the same classroom so you get no desk with storage. Every classroom you go to you bring your heavy backpack with everything for that day in it.
This is getting really long already so here's my last one, the whole social groups and cliques thing full of stereotypes. Well, just having anything like that at all really. Because of the stuff I wrote earlier, but also some of the rules. Like I already said, you take every class with your group and sit at an assigned place with your group for lunch, you can't go find someone who likes the same stuff as you from outside your group. Except during one of the three breaks, two of those are 10 minutes and one is 30 minutes. During those, you can walk around outside and go talk to anyone you want. Of course they are all total strangers to you though as you have never seen them do anything anywhere, since there are no activities at school other than your classes. But here are some of the rules we had. No electronic devices, so you can't listen to or show anyone any music or play any videogames with anyone. I mean no phones either but almost all of those couldn't really do anything other than call and text at the time anyway. No 'distracting' hair, whether that is a weird style or having any part of it any color that does not appear natural in humans. No 'distracting' clothing either, but at least no uniforms. No tattoos or piercings of any kind, except earrings but one time an acceptable looking punk came in with a safety pin earring he did at home and that did not count as an allowed earring. Actually come to think of it, the punks were the only group. Everybody else just looked the same as everybody else. And these punks were just 4 people. We knew they were punks cause of their outfit, they pushed the boundaries of distracting. And sometimes too far, like with the safety pin. But they usually wore a flat cap, a denim jacket with a few punk patches and leather boots. Probably the coolest looking people at the school, mostly because I couldn't tell you what anyone else looked like now, I totally forgot everything except their face. Though I was also a bit of an exception. I was the guy with long hair. Not that anybody knew anything about me cause I didn't talk, but they did know me as the one guy in school with long hair. They couldn't really ban that as I don't think they could ban things for only one gender. But yeah, you only have the opportunity to talk to people not in your group during the short breaks, but how would you decide who to go talk to? You never talked to any of these kids, all you got is how they look, and they're barely allowed to change their look from anything default.
Alright I'm gonna end it here. I guess the conclusion is that if you make school as absolutely boring as possible then there is not gonna be as much trouble, I think that might have been the goal at least? Just come in, get your education that day, go home, no drama. Is that better? I wouldn't know, I haven't been to other schools of course. But I sure couldn't help but wish it had a little more going on like they did on TV.

Hi I’m 25 and for context I currently live in Maryland for 7 months now and have made no progress in my life here at all, I am debating going back to college for a medical career which is so funny for me to even think because I went to college for nursing and didn’t finish to become an esthetician and because of covid I left that field as well and haven’t been back until literally 2 weeks ago when I got a job to do lash extensions and have been disappointed since.
I honestly never thought that I wouldn’t be the person to not go to college and I think that because I got a license as an esthetician I didn’t really process how I really didn’t go to college I did a vocational education basically and lost my job because of covid and was so depressed about it I didn’t go back to it which was useless.
I still had hopes of becoming an esthetician again when I got this job as a lash tech to realize I have been out of the game in a long time and definitely draining on my body specially all the back pain, all that for not much reward since the other techs have told me that honestly they get paid very little specially when I told them where I used to live some lash techs could make up to 1,200-1,400 a week and here they were making half that I felt more discouraged because I already felt this wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore for a career.
I got desperate recently since the past couple of months I’ve been walking on a tight rope verging being fully broke every month and feeling like a bag of waste and that I wasted so much time of my life in a delusion that I was okay and in fact I am not which brought me to 2 hours ago scrolling career paths online and I found a posting for travel health agencies and the pay definitely caught my attention first but also the position, to think if I have continued my college degree and had been a nurse I could be in a different place that I am right now.
But not to dwell in the what if’s that I cannot change since I don’t currently life in a Si-fi movie with a best friend scientist that will create a time machine for me, I want good advice on what are my options and realistically what would be most beneficial for my future.
The path I was thinking of choosing is not very clear but I was very interested in some of the positions in the traveling agency’s I saw and looked into and some of them where physical therapy, Cath tech, and a CT technician where the only ones I had enough time to do research on but there seemed to be several others but they all still mean going back to school for probably at least 4 years.
I guess my biggest worry is not really going back to school but the financial, I currently tip toe the lines of having a 0 balance in by bank every month and some credit card debt that I used to pay for the vocational school (about 5k, I feel like when I say cc debt some people always think it’s over 10k so maybe not that bad), but I’m scared of doing school and working, rent, car, insurance, I already try to work a lot now even babysitting on my off time to make sure I’m always bringing some money in every day and I’m just scared of making a mistake and it costing me what I already don’t have.
I also don’t know if this is important but a reason that kept me from going back to school before is that I am married we are separated but not yet divorced and I couldn’t get financial aid anymore since I basically made too much money bc he was on the tax return.
That’s honestly all the information I could think of right now but can always say more for clarity and I’m just hoping for some guidance or advice on what to do, since I’m literally writing this after having a small mental breakdown and considering being a sugar baby (although I’m not sexy enough of that the idea went away really quickly lol). Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you.

So, currently I am looking to go back to school after doing a lot of reflecting and realizing that I had this passion for the way cities come together and am considering getting a degree in Urban design or Urban planning.
I understand the difference, I more am just confused on the job prospects for urban designers. I couldn't find many definitive urban designer job posting and have seen more listings for architect and landscape architect. I understand there's an overlap but can someone tell me if an urban design graduate degree is a waste of time do employers want people with an architecture accreditation more? Trying to figure out if I should pursue architecture instead and focus on urban design or go the urban planning route and focus on policy, or meet somewhere in the middle where I have the most interest and get a degree in urban design?
Also have been looking at dual degree programs at places like UT that seem really interesting. But is it worth it?

I took a short solo trip this week. Rented a car on Monday morning, drove to the coast, stayed the night, and left around midday on Tuesday. Honestly? I had a great time. I was so independent and unburdened, at least while it lasted.
One unusual finding was that… I miss the suburbs? I stopped at a suburban Panera in a very nice town south of the city. It reminded me of the town my college friends live in — lots of greenery, very new, very nice, and with an overall feeling of growth and prosperity. Sitting in that Panera, listening to the local geriatric population gossip as I ate my salad, felt strangely comforting. I guess that’s how I grew up, right? In the land where shops only exist in shopping centers, and you have to drive to get anywhere, and going to Panera is an event.
It’s funny, I eat at restaurants all the time, but I very rarely get lunch with friends. I think I’m desensitized to it, so going out to eat is no longer of any importance to me. In high school, we’d go to Panera somewhat often and it was always fun. In college, I’d do the same thing with restaurants in the area. Here, I don’t.
Right, I was in Panera. The suburbs felt so comforting. I went to a really big Target. I went to a really big furniture store. I went to a really big Barnes & Noble.
There used to be a Barnes & Noble in the city. My first summer here, I was a voracious reader. I learned the city through the coffee shops and parks where I read. Going to that bookstore was always a treat, and I even became a B&N member, but then it closed. There are other bookstores, I guess, but they are too cramped. I never feel like I have permission to take up space and browse for a long time.
When I woke up this morning, I had a feeling of dread because I was going back to the city. I hadn’t been gone long enough. I wanted to keep on enjoying the small town on the coast, largely empty except for locals and a few random travelers. I wanted to keep roleplaying as a suburbanite whose can enjoy some privacy. But I had to go — the rental car was due at 4. So I left. I listened to podcasts, I considered stopping in another suburb that felt grungy and old, I had my gas filled by an attendant for some reason, and survived the highway traffic. I was back. The trip was over.
Am I a loner? The things I loved about the trip were the independence, the quiet, the space, the anonymity. I was able to do things like read a book while sitting in a gay bar, maybe because I felt so anonymous and focused on myself that I was not hindered by the opinions of others. I didn’t touch Instagram. I barely touched my phone at all besides directions and a few brief conversations.
I felt so creative, too. An empty itinerary + a good fantasy book + a dnd podcast primed me. I felt like I could write a novel. I could spin up a rich world in my mind. I revisited some old concepts I wrote down years ago, and they still hold water.
Some of that creative energy survived the drive back to the city. I made some art on my iPad. I sent it to some friends. One of the first replies was a biting, mean critique. It was meant as a joke, I imagine, but it was crushing.
I want to go back on vacation. I don’t know if I really hate my life in the city, but it was good to escape it for a little while.
So… why did I write this? I only write these when I’m feeling some type of way. Well, I got home from the local place where I made that art. And now I don’t know what to do with myself. A movie? Read? Clean? Finish my art? Sleep? Cry (if I can manage it, which is unlikely)? Go on Hinge?
I hooked up with the guy I’ve been infrequently seeing for the last two and a half years. He’s finally leaving the city. I need someone different, so that’s maybe a good thing.
I feel lonely. I feel sad. I wish I had a car so I could drive off into the night. My heart is beating heavy — not really any faster than usual, but I can feel it.
When I quit my job, I think I expected all this stress to release, like cutting through a stretched rubber band (weird metaphor, I know). But it didn’t. The truth is, I am stressed about the new job. I am stressed about seeing my family this weekend. I don’t feel like I have enough room to totally relax — like I made an optometry appointment tomorrow at 10am, so I can’t sleep in. But I don’t want to sleep yet either, so I guess I just won’t sleep enough. I need to release all this stress somehow. I guess I’ll get a lil high. Idk.
What else? I was prescribed Prozac. I quit my job, as mentioned above. That’s really it.
Well, thanks for bearing with me. This started as a vacation recap and then went off the rails. I’ll reschedule my optometry appointment and then I’ll just fuck off.

Hi I’m a 18 yo female and I’ve been contemplating suicide for over a year now but it’s really taking over my thoughts. I feel like I’m broken. I have good grades, I’m conventionally attractive and my body looks great too, I have a lot of friends who cares about me, I have nice things in life. But I also have parents that hate each other and I’m stuck between them, victim of sexual abuse when I was a kid and I just got rejected of med school. I feel like I put so much effort into life but it never get recognized. I have that facade, that smile that I keep when I’m with my friends because I’m suppose to be the funny one and I’m trapped in that character that I created. I cannot stop smiling for two seconds without someone asking me if I’m okay. I’ve been avoiding my friends since last week when I got rejected from med school because it’s either I put a smile on my face and act like I’m okay or I don’t smile and be sad but I get ask what is wrong with me and the usual speech on how things will get better. I cut all contacts with my friends for almost a week know and I have to go to school tomorrow for a final oral and everyone will be there and I’m so stressed. I truly wish I could sleep and never wake up. I forgot to mention I have an eating disorder and I just binged. ED is litteraly one of the most painful thing I have experienced. I hate myself for not being able to get over it, it’s been 4 years now and I feel like it will never end. Im tired of suffering. Every time I have a glimpse of joy I know it will not last long. I binge 2 times a week and I’m trapped in that cycle. I feel like shit and I hate life, I hate my life. I wonder how people still go through life when it’s so hard and so fucking painful. I wish I could end everything. I hope I will not get to my 20’s because I know things will only get worse if I’m not fixed by that time. I’m so tired of everything, I wish I could die peacefully in my sleep, a natural way. Please what med can make me die with certainty. I beg you I cannot stay here anymore. It’s not a reckless decision, I’ve been thinking about it for a year now and my mind hasn’t change. I would really like some recommendations. I live in Canada so getting a gun will be hard but I wish I could just shoot my head. Instant death.

For privacy reasons the girl will be called Emily (19F) and my ex-boyfriend will be Sam (20M). Last year I (18F) was asked to smoke after work with my at the time coworker, Emily, I said yes because it had been a while since I smoked and thought I could use it as a relief since I was stressed out. While we were smoking I felt really weird and noticed she was pressuring me to take more hits since, for context i'm a lightweight 2-3 hits and i'm good, but she had pressured me to take 8-9. I felt really weird about 10 minutes in and originally thought I was greening out, I was sweating like crazy, shaking, hallucinating, and completely dissociated and out of it. I asked if she could take me home and she obliged but first went to get gas (I lived abt 5 minutes away from where we were smoking), when we got there I started throwing up and shaking even more, the hallucinations were getting worse the more time passed. When I got home I checked my heart rate and it was around 185, I genuinely thought I was going to die I was completely dissociated and out of it. After this I developed a heart condition, now I frequently struggle with fainting spells and high heart rate along with other symptoms. Fast forward to the end of november, I met Sam. We started talking and met up for the first time in the beginning of January. Everything was good, he met my parents, we went on dates often, and while we were drunk one day he asked me to be his girlfriend to which I obviously said yes! I was so happy with him, he was my first boyfriend and I was falling in love with everything about him. I tell him about what happened with Emily, as I was often going to doctors trying to get a diagnosis for what was happening with me. I missed a lot of school and was struggling with extreme anxiety at this time. Around the middle of march I noticed he started following Emily, not only her main account but her spam as well... so of course I follow it lol. I notice she's posting kinda flirty stuff and thirst traps which makes him following her even worse 😭. I'm a very non-confrontational person so I wait until the end of march to bring it up which is where he says he was hanging out with friends and "she was just there".. Red flag. First of all he should have told me, and if she was just there why would he follow both her accounts? I didn't ask more I just was very hurt and confused. Things go on as normal and we don't see eachother for two weeks, still texting constantly. We finally get to see eachother and I come home and get a text from Emily, asking "DO YOU KNOW SAM" "DONT SAY ANYTHING!!" so I respond saying he is my boyfriend, the situation was weird and I wonder if I had only said yes if I would've found out more information sooner.. 🥲. But time goes on, I notice she's posting with hickies and memes like "i dont know if you got a gf you're my man" which makes me sus, and my gut is telling me somethings up. My boyfriend never gave me his location and hid that stuff from me, but wanted me to share mine. He would get dry when I was out with friends, (I only hung out with friends 2 times during our relationship.) We go on a date in the beginning of april and drink, while we were drunk I ask him about Emily and he completely ignores it :/ so i let it go. As the next two weeks go on he gets dryer and dryer and only texts me when he's horny , so I make the decision to end things- asking if we could take a break or just break it off completely, also bringing up Emily and how it made me uncomfortable he was associated with her, He agrees, calls me crazy about insinuating he got with Emily, and we text as friends for the next two weeks. That saturday i'm at prom, and my friend comes up to me telling me that my old coworker, let's call her Sarah, told my friend that "Emily is talking to (My) Boyfriend" my heart drops completely, I instantly ask if she's sure and she feels bad but says it's true. I freak out and go home and think about what i'm going to say to Sam. I text him angrily asking what is going on, he responds basically saying Me and you didn't have a label. Are you fucking kidding me. I went off on him and he avoided everything I said, but confirmed he was talking to Emily. I text my old coworkers and they all reiterate that Emily did tell them she was talking to my boyfriend and often came in with "Hella hickies". I removed him off of everything after that and it's been 2 weeks since then , i dont know what to do I feel hopeless and like I'll never get over this. Am I overreacting?

Hello, I have been looking everywhere for somewhere to post this because I wanted more opinions, so this is my first time here. I’ve been having some symptoms going on for almost a year now. I was wondering if people on here could help me & I didn’t get any objections to this idea from my other friends, so here we go.
About last year I was talking to a friend who I’m no longer in contact with about some childhood stories, my first day in preschool, a hospital trip, and something that happened during middle school where I heard some sort of very faint voice in my head that didn’t sound exactly like me (I talked to my therapist about it, she suggested it was probably a depression voice since I was hearing thoughts as if I was overthinking or having anxiety.) All three times I started to feel incredibly zoned out, feverish, & it was hard to think. It felt very intense and I’m unsure why, a few days later I was with some friends on VR Chat, I start complaining about how I feel like I’m dreaming, and my friend asks if I’m dissociating, I ask them to clarify if feeling like you’re dreaming can count as dissociation, and they said yes to an extent, I ask my other friends who experience dissociation a lot and they say yes overall.
A few days after that, me and my family go somewhere for my dad’s birthday, it went fine but my mom started talking to me about how I always had a high pain tolerance since I was younger, while we’re eating she asked me if something in my childhood felt normal to me (I won't specify what it was, but it was something medical related to helping me eat) I said yes, so this and my friend asking if I was dissociating made me want to talk to my therapist about it both dissociation and my childhood.
I had a therapy appointment shortly after that and I ask my therapist what counts as dissociation (my other friends have explained it to me, I just never thought to myself “hey I feel like that a lot.”) and she explained to me what does count as dissociation and then I realize “hey I’ve felt like this a lot, maybe even every other day.” I ask her if next time we can talk more about my childhood since I was in and out of hospitals a lot and experienced a lot of other things related to that, and she says yes.
Around now is when I start feeling a pressure in my head a lot, or just a slight pushing feeling in my head feeling like somethings pushing my forehead forward, that or something trying to pull me away.
Next appointment we talk more about my childhood and some other things like middle school, and dissociation, and how I probably do have a lower level of trauma mostly revolving around my medical history, (I don’t recall any abuse or yelling besides my father grabbing my arm sometimes and raising his voice a good amount, he’s better now, just issues with tone.) Like I said earlier I will not specify what it is entirely but up till I was around 3-4 I was horribly sick, vomited a bunch, and had needles poked in me a lot for blood draws, needed a good amount of surgery, was constantly severely swollen most of the time, & suffered a lot of severe pneumonia (though I was still in and out of the hospital a bit till up to 5-6 I believe.)
More context is that I’m in a smallish sized friend group (more than 7-8 people at least.) About 3 people of them were systems, at this point, all 3 said systems told me they suspected me being a system and have been saying a lot of the symptoms seem very suspicious, & my descriptions sound similar to their experiences before they themselves found out they were systems, another 2 systems joined our group later on and they thought the same thing, so that’s 5.
Sometimes when I wake up, I do hear something like “Hey (my name).” quite often (when I hear things it also seems most common when I’m with friends.) I start feeling like I’m losing control of my body, sometimes (an example is I remember playing another game and suddenly I felt incredibly zoned out and I had to “hold on” Is how I’d put it.) Very rarely I do hear things during the day even now (though I thought I’ve been hearing my name get called down as I mentioned earlier, hearing things more commonly I feel like when I’m around others, when nobody did call me in reality, or in a call I hear someone in my head speak sometimes I’ve felt like.) another example is when I was in a voice chat on Discord with my other friends and we were all jokingly arguing about how Maria was said and I swear I heard a faint “Mari-uh.”
There’s not much else, besides constantly feeling a bit disconnected from reality, my therapist doesn’t know too much about the topic of dissociation unfortunately so she can’t be too reliable, my family is trying to look for a psychologist for me, here are some other notes.
-I am genderfluid, sometimes it feels like when I shift genders I feel like my head is melting and there’s a bunch of pressure on it - when I change genders sometimes it feels like it’s triggered by looking at other certain characters from other media (for an example, one makes me feel masculine, one makes me feel feminine, and one makes me feel non binary.)
-Talking to other systems most times triggers my head to flare up, most of the time feeling like something is sitting there (my other friends have suggested it is dissociative barriers.)
I have tried talking to “Maria” a bunch of times before, but it seems more responsive to other people (people saying “hello maria” jokingly, other systems speaking, etc, & flares up at things like me being mean lightheartedly towards my friends, talking to certain other friends, & sometimes when I’m around my dad the pain/pushing feeling flares up.)
-I am very likely autistic, if that is important.
-I have been having elevated blood pressure for over two years now (my therapist has suggested it might be why some symptoms are happening, though I have been on a light dose of medication for a bit, soon to move to a higher dose.)
-I have maybe heard voices when I was younger than 8 though I only feel like that has happened, I’m not too sure about the memory itself.
-I am pretty sure I remember a few instances where I was younger and I have randomly blacked out (mainly during dangerous situations) to wake up somewhere completely different, I have also shut down a lot mentally when I was young and zoned out a bunch - though it is probably due to a bunch of sensory overloads but still thought I’d mention it.
Forever I’ve felt like I’ve gotten these short, small rushing feelings in my head, like something is rushing towards the front of my head (sometimes my vision gets a bit blurry) the short moments of that rushing feeling might’ve been spiking up with how often it has been happening lately.
-Another friend who is a system has suggested things could be active at night because other alters could be feeling safer at that time.
-While I did say "Maria" is more responsive to others rather than me, the pain does sometimes go away when I type out "Please make my head stop hurting" or if I ask for my head to stop hurting. It seems more consistent when I type it out rather than saying it aloud, and if it does work, then I feel like I zone back in a little, even if I didn't feel too zoned out to begin with. It feels more consistent if I use name “Maria” or sometimes other names too.
-I have spoken to my therapist about how my memory of my childhood feels jumbled, as if I can only remember random certain events and small pieces, it still feels like a lot of my memory is missing (an example would be I cannot remember 2nd-4th grade for the most part.) Though my therapist did say missing gaps like that was normal but I’m still not sure.
-If my age is important, I am a 19.
-I’ve always felt a small struggle with who I am as a person, or my identity (I am able to say I am myself, but I’ve always felt a slight struggle at the same time, or I guess an off feeling when seeing myself in a mirror.)
-Sometimes it feels like I’m able to change my emotions as if it’s on command, I’d be breaking down terribly and sometimes I can snap myself into feeling mostly okay, though I am unsure If this is just me repressing those emotions or not.
-The head pain or pushing/pulling feeling in my head sometimes starts when I wake up and is pretty bad for a while.
-Sometimes the pain or pushing/pulling feeling goes away when I'm around others or outside.
I am aware nobody on here can diagnose me as none of you are likely a professional, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to get secondary opinions. I believe that’s all, I just want more opinions. Whoever has read this and made it this far, thank you and please put your own input if you have any thoughts. I am aware I should get a professional for this kind of thing but as I said earlier, my family is currently looking for a psychologist for me, and my therapist doesn’t know too much about these things unfortunately, so I just want more opinions on it to see if I can get more help.

i just increased from 20 to 40 two weeks ago. so far so good! I don’t have all the crappy side effects I had when I initially started the medication, but I have bad TMJ pain on my left side that I didn’t notice when I first started Celexa. Since I was in middle school, my TMJ has always popped and clicked on that side when I yawn or open my mouth wide, but has never caused me pain! could the medication be causing me to clench my jaw really bad at night or something??

Does anybody know of any sort of other companies for people who have a more alt style? I want to look like what I am- a tattooed lesbian who wears leather and Docs, and the Stitchfix stuff all has me looking like a receptionist at a doctor's office or a middle school teacher. Where's the stuff for the emo kids who never outgrew that phase, you know?

I graduate high school tomorrow. This whole senior year has been very hard for me because I’ve done everything without my dad. The only person I want to be at my graduation can’t be there tomorrow. I miss him so much.
He died when I was 11, im 17 now but it hurts so much. I will see everyone there with their two parents tomorrow and it will hit again all over like in middle school when I was really jealous of everyone for having a stable “normal” family.
There will be a missing spot in the stands where there should be one. I was too young to even talk about any of this with him (high school, college.) school and education was always very important to him. I wish he could see me now. I just don’t know how to feel better.

My A-800 had had a problem - the Eb and E above middle C were weird - hard to press, aftertouch didn't work well - I wondered if maybe a guitar pick or something had gotten down in there.
Since I'm considering another controller, I decided to go ahead and take it apart (not being handy) which was scary - and the ribbon strips pulled out of the sockets in a way I hadn't seen before but luckily wasn't a big deal.
I've never taken a keybed apart, but I got brave and took the springs off the back of the keys and took out the D, Eb, and E.
Guess what - there's a little felt strip that runs under there. I could see that it was buckled up under those keys and I'm like, yep, that's the problem.
This strip was connected at the bass side to the circuit board by so I assumed it was probably aftertouch.
The treble side actually had a fair amount of excess sticking out - it makes me wonder if, as you use aftertouch and compress that felt, if it doesn't expand outward...but the hump in the middle makes me think no.
It had some sticky stuff underneath so I was thinking it wasn't something I could just pull the end and pull out the hump. And I couldn't.
So I thought - OK, there's a strip under there it sticks to, and I think this is just basically a piece of felt.
I didn't want to take all the keys off for fear of never getting them back right (yeah, I'm not the type who's going to label each key) so I figured I'd just snip out a bit so it would seat back down again.
Worked like a charm. Then I noticed under the felt was a little black strip. Uh-oh.
Long story slightly less long, I put it back together and guess what - aftertouch works all the way up to the Eb, but not above the E :-)
Oops.
Truth be known, I used it more live, but rarely at home when recording, and I can set up a pedal to be AT, so it wasn't a big concern.
But what did I learn today? That the bottom of the felt makes contact with the strip underneath to make the AT happen and that has to be continuous all the way down!
So it's back together and working (save a few screws which I left out in case I needed to crack it open again) and basically it all works except AT, AND the Eb and E keys are no longer funky which really was the bigger concern.
Funny story - I accidentally set the Velocity to 1 rather than "Touch" and tried a piano sound and had no volume and I was like 'uh-oh, did that break the velocity too?" I recorded a bit to be sure and got 1 for all the velocities and I was like, that's weird, let me check the setting - sure enough, on 1. Doh.
And this is why I'm not a DIY'r. But I guess I did sort of just DIY a little bit.

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

Long post but please help!
I was very close with my in-laws for 8 years, until I got accepted into grad school and got engaged to her son in 2021. My fiancé and I had to move 4 hours away from home, and he’s financially supporting us while Im in my doctoral program. I’m paying for school and things for the apartment but he’s paying for everything else. He’s known about me going to grad school for our entire relationship and been aware of costs that would come with us living together before I graduate. He makes enough to support us both and says he’s happy to help support me so we can finally be together and so I won’t have to take out loans just to live.
When the moving process begun, shit hit the fan. In his family group text, we mentioned we’re planning a trip to Mexico next spring so we can decide if that’s where we want to married. My MIL stated it’s ridiculous to spend extra $ by going twice, and just use the internet to decide. She proceeded to remind me that trips are not cheap & called me a BrideZilla (you guessed it, with a “Just kidding” at the end of it). I ignored the statement and reminded her that my fiancé, me, and my parents aren’t dropping 30k on event where we’ve never seen. This $ was arbitrary, as we’re not sure how much it will actually be. She and my fiancé began a separate text between each other, where my fiancé called her out for calling me a BrideZilla. She then said I am actually exhibiting BrideZilla behavior, have no clue how much things cost, Im entitled and always wanting to go on vaca’s, and force him to spend $ that he earns on me. This was the only time I’ve ever talked about wedding to his family, I’ve waited tables for past 8 years through undergrad, and 2/3 of our vaca’s that year were paid for by other family members. His mom proceeded to tell her sisters (a separate family group chat that I was not in) about the destination wedding decision and stated “oh wait, it’s his money not hers lol”. He called her out on how rude she was and left the group chat.
I was shocked at the texts she sent to him, as it was if she never really go to know who I am as a person or noticed how hard I’ve worked through school. She asked me if I was upset about the group chat BrideZilla comment, and I told her I was actually upset about the separate convo between my fiancé and her. She then proceeded to talk shit about my fiancé, her own son, saying that he started drama by showing me the texts and saying that those were supposed to be private. She said sorry my feelings were hurt but she’s financially concerned because I’m not earning any money while in school and I’ve never had a “big girl job”.
We eventually got over her untrue comments and we moved. Fast forward one year later, and we decided it was just too much to come down for Father's Day. I wasn't feeling well and my fiancé said he didn't want to waste his weekend driving roundtrip for 12 hours. My fiancé calls his mother and tells her that its just too much and although he committed to going, he decided he was going to stay here and take care of me. MIL blew up and hung up on him (keep in mind we've been here for almost 2 years now and not once has anyone in the immediate family attempted to come see us). About a week later, his MIL commented on my Facebook posts with nasty comments thinking my posts were directed towards her (they were just general quotes, I didn't even realize she had an issue with me at the time). I delete her comment and my fiancé texts her to keep her problems off social media. She eventually blows up my fiancé's phone for hours talking about how we are selfish, about how I have no life experience that "it's laughable", nobody in the family likes me, apparently “everyone in this family thinks the same of me” and that “at this point nobody is going to your f*cking wedding”. That night, she deleted both me and him off of Facebook, but the next day she told my fiancé that I went on his fb and deleted her (why would I do this after 8 years? lol)
I was so hurt after all the memories we made together over the past 8 years, that I deleted all of the pics we had together on my social media. I finally knew what she truly thought of me. Was it immature to delete all the pics? Probably. But I also knew I could never have the same relationship with them again after all the things they said about me. Note: deleting the pics were not to intentionally hurt her, but more of something I felt like I needed to do for me to be emotionally “done”. It felt like all the previous times together were just fake. Over text, FMIL and I got into it. She stated to my fiancé “I want all the money you owe me NOW” (she gets like this when she doesn’t get her way to manipulate others- constantly using things she has paid for in the past to make us feel bad) and I straight up told her “there you go again using money against your own son”. Well that set her off and she threatened to talk with my parents and let them know they won’t be at the wedding due to my “nasty words” towards her. Not once have I ever cussed at her or attacked her character (like she has to me). Once she did this over FB messenger, My parents ignored her and said they weren’t getting involved. We went no contact for about 4 months until she realized we weren't backing down. During that time, she had the audacity to cut off my fiancé’s phone service in the middle of a work day (he paid his own but stayed on family plan to save them money).
She eventually apologized to me over text, telling me how she was just upset that she didn't feel important to us and took it out on me. She claims she recently gone through menopause during all of this. But, she still insists on telling my fiancé that I am not as innocent as I seem and keeps bringing up the deleting on FB because she wont admit she did it (she was probably drinking). I told her that I forgive her but it would take a long time for me feel comfortable and move on.
A few months later, they came down to visit us. We took them downtown and showed them where I went to school, our favorite restaurant, and then our apartment. FMIL threw a fit about us being out too long and started crying, saying that “this was my opportunity to relax from work and I wanted to go to the beach… I didn’t even want to go to lunch but I did for yall!” Just drama and drinking the entire time. No fun for my fiancé or me. Of course his step dad tells my fiancé “just go apologize to her, so we can all move on”. Fiancé stood his ground and said no, I did nothing wrong. I was civil the entire time and was actually the only one to console her upstairs when her and my fiance got into it about no time at the beach.
A couple of weeks later, I posted some recent pics of the past few months as a life update on FB. I didn’t post any photos of the trip except for one of us doing a cheers with our drinks (no faces involved). Keep in mind she had been posting pics of all of us all weekend, so some pics I was tagged in were already on my page. Of course FMIL got pissed and texted a bunch of screenshots of my fb page saying that I’m “holding a grudge” and “obviously have no intention of moving forward”. I told my fiance to tell her that I simply made a post and did not have a lot of time to go searching for the pics way up in the family group chat, so that it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. The truth is, I didn’t feel comfortable posting photos of her on my page after the things she has said about me. I thought she would understand this considering I told her it would take time to heal (just didn’t want to start drama especially when dealing with school at the time). FMIL did not buy the excuse and we ended up saying “it shouldn’t matter if I don’t post a picture of yall, it’s not a huge deal”. Why would I post pics of a trip that was mainly drama? Fiancé understands where I was coming from and respected that. FMIL texted fiancé saying “I’ll go ahead and take back the $ I offered to pay for your rehearsal dinner”. She then got to digging and eventually realized I had removed all of our pics (what I did months before this). Fiancé’s step dad got involved and to look at my FB page. She told him that I deleted all of the pics of them on my FB and was holding a grudge. He saw that and texted my fiancé saying he’s convinced I’m the problem and that “although your mom has said some things that she has apologized for, I’m convinced your fiance is the problem here and doesn’t want to forgive”. (If I didn’t forgive, I wouldn’t have spent time with them when they came to visit us…)
He then stated that “if we are not going to be in any photos or posted in any pics, you can go ahead and uninvite us from the wedding and we’ll relay to our side of the family that we don’t plan to attend”. Fiancé gave them exactly what they asked for and said “at this point I don’t want you there so you got it”. Fiancé has been no contact since last July. Did not come to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and did not wish his parents happy birthday. I have not received a happy birthday from the entire side of the family. They are also avoiding us on social media. Fiancé recently received a text from his grandma saying “you are evil for treating your own mother this way and none of us will be at your wedding if your own mother is not invited”. Basically, he found out that she had told everyone that we uninvited them all on our own. She’s saying that we “misunderstood them” when we clearly have the text with their request, and that they “of course want to be there for his special day”. Now our guest list is cut in half and he will have no family at the wedding~ not even his 22 y/o brother.
We are at a loss. It’s 6 months until wedding and nothing has happened besides her sending flying monkeys and my fiancé having to block even more of his family. She even texted his birth dad (they never speak) recently saying “I just want to share my side of the story”. He didn’t reply.
I understand I may have done some things out of pettiness (none as bad as the things she has said to us) but we believe them using OUR event against us/threatening to not be at the wedding because they may not be posted on my FB is terrible and extremely hurtful.

I dont know if I am depressed or just sad or what it is. I hate myself, I dont like anything about me, I have some friends, but I offten feel like I am alone. Even when I know that I have friends I feel very offten compleatly alone and when somebody tell me that I am not alone, that I have friends and people around me, I am awear of it but I still feel left alone and not loved. I dont feel this way all the time, I can be compleatly normal all day and then when I get home, all this hit me and I dont know what to do.And I offten think about ending it all, but only thing holding me from not doing it is my family. This have been going on for 4 years, to be exact, it started when I got on High school and before, when I was in middle school I was bullied and I learned not to trust people and I think that this is why I offten think that my friends arent litteraly my friends and they are just pretending to by my friends so I dont do something to myself.
Sorry if this post isnt grammaticaly corect, English isnt my first language.

I was talking to my bf about random topics and then the topic of men trying to see if they could suck their own penis somehow came up because it was funny. I asked him if he had ever tried to suck his own penis. He said he remembered trying to do it once when he was in middle or high school but couldn’t successfully do it. I told him that that was weird and gross. He said he was just curious to see if he would suck it and didn’t think much of it. I asked him if he wanted to see if it would feel good and he said no that he wanted to see if he could reach his penis and do it successfully. I started getting mad because it felt like he was lying about the reason he did it. I kept saying that he tried doing that to see if it would feel good and he kept saying “no I did it to see if I could reach and see if I was flexible enough to do so”.
I don’t know if I’m being over dramatic or something for him saying this. But I believe the reason he did it was to see if it would feel good. However he kept saying that the reason he did it was to see if he was flexible enough to even put his penis in his mouth.
How do I move on?

Did anyone else play a ton of battlefield 3 during its heyday especially in the summer of 2013? I remember being almost done with 10th grade and thinking about playing battlefield 3 for the whole summer. Once school let out I put in about 7-8 hours of battlefield 3 per day. Had a blast flying jets, helicopters, tanking and running around as infantry.I also had premium so by this time there were a ton of maps with different settings. I remember My family went on a cruise in the middle of the summer and one thing I can remember is how much I hated the cruise because it took me away from bf3 lmfao. I remember on one of the last days of school I was sitting next to this girl I liked and she asked me if I was going to do anything fun over the summer and I told her play battlefield 3, eat, sleep, play battlefield 3 and she said sounds like fun. battlefield 3 during its peak was amazing. I also remember getting hyped for battlefield 4 after seeing the e3 content at the same time I was almost finishing up getting to level 100 colonel.