Hi all,
I hope this is the correct post for this.
TLDR: What kinds of medications have you personally tried that have WORKED/helped your anxiety to the point where you can live comfortably? Should I try Benzodiazepines? I'm just so lost and at my wits end with myself, and I just need some help.
My name is Maddi, I am 26 and I have bipolar 2, major depressive disorder, and severe anxiety. My bipolar and depression are being managed by medication I am already on (Lamictal 200mg, Abilify 15mg, Seroquel 100mg x2 daily, and Seroquel ER 200mg once daily for insomnia) (Seems like a lot to me, to be honest) However, my anxiety has been SEVERE and has caused me to quit jobs because I was so physically sick I would be sent down into a huge panic attack, sobbing, cant breathe, inconsolable, just a mess, and it would make me vomit and retch for hours on end, no matter how comfortable at my job I am, I still get very severe anxiety, I would take a Zofran or ondansetron for it, but it would still persist. I have been prescribed every SSRI, SSNRI, and anti-anxiety medication, (when I say every, I mean I could literally make you a laundry list of all the medications I have been on since the age of 15, but its so long, lets not) Its easily over 15 different kinds. We have also tried Clonazepam with NO EFFECT whatsoever. We've tried upping it, nothing works, if anything it heightened my anxiety and energy. I do smoke THC in hopes that it helps my anxiety, and it does lower it a SLIGHT BIT, but I still get physically ill and cannot do that at work obviously. But, alas, nothing has really worked to manage the anxiety. I'm not asking for something that will completely take it away, but I need something that will make it more manageable, my Dr. says I have a dysregulated nervous system, so things don't always work how they are intend to. What my doctor is worried about, and what I am kind of worried about, is the tolerance build up, and addiction runs in my family. I am very self aware, and understand those types of pills can lead down that road, but I am smarter than that, To add, I am in therapy, and go every 2 weeks for an hour long session, I do have coping skills I am implementing, but when you get to the point where your physically sick and inconsolable, it's really difficult to implement those things, and they don't work, it's just the anxiety ruling my life. My therapist thinks I should reschedule to see my Dr. sooner so we can discuss, but I was just wondering what y'alls experience has been and some advice.
Should I try benzodiazepines? Would it be worth looking into?
Thank you all in advance <3

I usually don't post much (I comment here a bunch) but I can't get the sight of a dead woman right at the PSU Streetcar stop this morning (around 7:50 AM by my arrival there). I was on my way into work and it was the most surreal thing. I feel SUPER grossed out and deeply sad.
I didn't really react to it but the image of this homeless drug addict dead from a fent overdose is stuck in my mind. And what can you say to that? It's not OK, it's not normal.
We deserve SO much in terms of safety and liveability. When did we throw in the towel on this town?
I don't hate the homeless mind you. I absolutely *hate* (with a passion) those people who make excuses and say it's OK to let these people mire themselves. This sort of 'live and let live' thinking works when we don't have thousands of entitled drug addicts descending en masse from other states to indulge in the literal worst.
We don't have to put up with this BS. And you bet I sent PBOT and the JVP very strongly worded emails faulting them for their failure to do their basic due diligence.
Don't let people do this to Portland anymore. I'm tired of this slow burn accelerationism taking this city apart by the seams.
On behalf of every single commuter who had to see a fucking dead body, to every single bleeding-heart quirky glasses social worker with trauma-informed everything, please go away and give us back our town.

Hey all, so I got an interesting/distressing situation at the moment, and thought you could shed some light. I'll try to be brief but include everything.
So in January 2023 I started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. This was after a handful of hospitalizations due to suicidal idealization/attempts, and other mental health concerns like depression/anxiety/paranoia/isolation/etc. I would have telehealth sessions with her regularly throughout 2023, maybe once every few weeks on average. We worked together trying different medications, seeing how I reacted to them, their side effects, etc. I had lots of ups and downs and was unfortunately re-hospitalized a few more times later in the year for suicidal idealizations and an attempt, going to rehab to cap it all off in September of 2023 . Since completing that program, her and I continued working together trying to keep myself heading in the right direction, again seeing her telehealth once every few weeks. Well fast forward to the beginning of this month (May 3rd, 2024 to be exact), we had a session discussing some reoccurring negative symptoms of my mental health. She put me on a new medication to take in conjunction with two other meds I take. The new med is called Lamictal, and she prescribed it to me for possible bipolar. I said cool, works for me, let's see if it helps. Well about a week into taking this new med plus my normal two, not saying the new med is to blame, but I began experiencing frequent severe panic attacks, to the point of pain and uncontrollable shaking. I reached out once on the 6th, and again on the 14th describing in detail what was happening and my concerns. I set up an appointment somewhere around then which she did not attend, so after 15minutes I left. Well today I call in to see about getting scheduled so we can discuss what's been happening this whole month since she started me on this new med, and guess what? I was fucking told that I was able to reschedule with her because of too many no-shows. And while I have missed a few, and I literally mean a few, sessions over the past year and half, I was startled to the point of experiencing another panic attack that's still hurting. I've had thoughts of dropping taking all of my meds. And at this point I'm cornered for my own safety, and feel that this provider has had to have broken laws regarding her care responsibilities for me under all of the aforementioned circumstances.
I really need help navigating this situation. Because it's so fucked up for this to happen, and I'm disgusted. Thanks ya'll

I've made some posts on here before, and not much has gotten better, in fact, it's getting worse. My mental health has been deteriorating at a drastic rate this year due to my academic burdens, which in the. Led to me getting 2 bad grades. I know, killing yourself over grades does sound far fetched, I know, but when it's amplified, and said that you'll be a failure if you have 2 unsatisfactory grades, then, you feel like everything overwhelms you, and you might feel like you're worthless and are on the edge. At least that's how I'm feeling right now. I've tried hanging myself with the string that is used to close blinds and that didn't work. I've tried suffocating myself with a pillow, but that didn't work. I tried hanging myself with a belt in my closet, but that didn't work. I stole some of my parents medication, and tried overdosing on it, but that didn't work for me. Lastly, I'm thinking of slitting my throat. But upon further research, I come to find out, that cutting your throat is actually a challenge, and if you do happen to survive the slitting, you could very well suffer detrimental, life-changing injuries, that can render most parts of your body inoperable. Its just madness to me! I swear if there was an easier way, then I would be gone by now, but that isn't the case. I'm pretty sure most of us wouldn't hesitate if the implications of suicide were met by manageable and simple means; though, that's also not the case. I just want to stop being a burden, and not exist. Everyday is the same, but worse. I feel like I'm being chipped away at everyday. And everyday, I see myself becoming a more different person with a worsening personality. No one really listens to me, which I don't blame them, I'm not really interesting. I just wish I can just kill myself, and perhaps see what's on the other side. But I bet you that I'll still be alive to see tomorrow roll around, that's for sure.

Hey all, so I got an interesting/distressing situation at the moment, and thought you could shed some light. I'll try to be brief but include everything.
So in January 2023 I started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. This was after a handful of hospitalizations due to suicidal idealization/attempts, and other mental health concerns like depression/anxiety/paranoia/isolation/etc. I would have telehealth sessions with her regularly throughout 2023, maybe once every few weeks on average. We worked together trying different medications, seeing how I reacted to them, their side effects, etc. I had lots of ups and downs and was unfortunately re-hospitalized a few more times later in the year for suicidal idealizations and an attempt, going to rehab to cap it all off in September of 2023 . Since completing that program, her and I continued working together trying to keep myself heading in the right direction, again seeing her telehealth once every few weeks. Well fast forward to the beginning of this month (May 3rd, 2024 to be exact), we had a session discussing some reoccurring negative symptoms of my mental health. She put me on a new medication to take in conjunction with two other meds I take. The new med is called Lamictal, and she prescribed it to me for possible bipolar. I said cool, works for me, let's see if it helps. Well about a week into taking this new med plus my normal two, not saying the new med is to blame, but I began experiencing frequent severe panic attacks, to the point of pain and uncontrollable shaking. I reached out once on the 6th, and again on the 14th describing in detail what was happening and my concerns. I set up an appointment somewhere around then whihc she did not attend, so after 15minutes I left. Well today I call in to see about getting scheduled so we can discuss what's been happening this whole month since she started me on this new med, and guess what? I was fucking told that I was able to reschedule with her because of too many no-shows. And while I have missed a few, and I literally mean a few, sessions over the past year and half, I was startled to the point of experiencing another panic attack that's still hurting. I've had thoughts of dropping taking all of my meds. And at this point I'm cornered for my own safety, and feel that this provider has had to have broken laws regarding her care responsibilities for me under all of the aforementioned circumstances.
I really need help navigating this situation. Because it's so fucked up for this to happen, and I'm disgusted. Thanks ya'll

I know several examples of people growing up in two parent homes who turned out worse than people in single parent homes. My parents are prime example of that. Both my parent's parents were married for over 70 years, yet my parents have more issues than me, & I grew up in a single parent home. My mom & her siblings have many issues stemming from childhood, resentment, self esteem issues, & some of them always wants the approval of others. My maternal grandfather was a great father & grandfather, but he allowed my grandma to control everything & my grandma was never the best parent to do that because she herself had her own issues & terrible judgment (according to stories). I even overheard my maternal grandma confronting my grandpa about an affair he had years ago. So obviously their marriage had their issues. My father's parents? Even worse. My paternal grandfather AND my grandmother had numerous affairs on each other, they were poor, & they weren't the best parents either. My grandma would brag about how she was never a loving mother to her children, and referred to her grandchildren as "mfs". My paternal grandfather wasn't a hands on dad either. There's stories about my grandma always being the one to provide for the family, meanwhile my grandpa was at the nearest bar getting drunk. My dad & his siblings turned out bad too. One uncle drank himself to death, another uncle died from an overdose. And a couple of aunts were also on drugs. My dad did fairly well for himself considering the type of background he comes from, but he has some scary sociopathic ways about him. He has no empathy for anyone, and sometimes he can make downright awful comments to people. Saying their mothers should've flushed them down the toilet, calling his nieces & nephews (WHO ARE CHILDREN), little bastards etc. He can also go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds randomly. What he says can sometimes be unpredictable & you never know when things can go left. I know other people from two parent homes who have just as much issues. I say that to finally say all this, I've seen children in single parent homes turn out to be much better with less issues. Not just from regular people I know, but look at how many sucessful actors, actresses, singers, etc, who come from struggle & end up having amazing & succesful lives. I just feel like nowadays people always emphasize the fact that it's better when there's a two parent home, when that's not always the case. I'm not a parent, but it also seems like single mothers are easy targets to put the blame on, when a child turns out bad.

I don’t think there is a single group of people hated more in Burlington than police officers. Probably MAGA folks, but I would bet police officers would come in 2nd place…and I don’t understand it. People in this city and sub act like the police in this area are born and bred to become the stereotype of a trigger-happy, power-hungry, minority-hating collective of fascists who are hell bent on controlling what happens in Burlington to their liking with total disregard for what we may consider “good” police work.
Is it a job that is well compensated? For public servant standards, maybe. But please consider this. The people who are hired to be police officers and go through training are just regular people from wildly different backgrounds. These are not always your typical ROTC kids who always dreamed of being a cop and shoving law and order up peoples asses. I bet if people on this sub actually had conversations with police in the Burlington area they would be surprised what their life journey looked like.
Now their job. Can you imagine what their day is filled with? Junkies who are committing crime that they must arrest and then let back out due to cash bail. What kind of job satisfaction do you think this generates? Being harassed, defunded and disrespected by the community, dealing with needles, overdoses, calls from business owners and citizens asking for help which they know they can’t provide? The city they serve are filled with citizens who are at a minimum, leery and suspicious of law enforcement. At maximum, cheerful when anything bad happens to a police officer. They go around in our community facing violence from fists, objects, blades, guns and everything in between. Child abuse, spousal abuse, being the babysitter for drunk idiots on church street and beyond…etc. etc.
I think police officers have a very stressful and hopeless job of arresting criminals in a revolving door, and I am thankful for the work they do in the community to try and keep people and property safe. There are some officers in the Burlington area that historically have not been doing good police work and abusing their authority. This is ALSO true for teachers, mental health professionals, government administrators etc. Do we write off those entire professions as fundamentally toxic and to be reviled? I would hope not. Does being sympathetic to the plight of police officers in this area make me a bootlicker? Fine. I’m a boot licker.

DAY: MAY 20 2024
5-20-2024

Why nightmares and ‘daymares’ could be early warning signs of autoimmune disease

An increase in nightmares and hallucinations—or ‘daymares’—could herald the onset of autoimmune diseases such as lupus, say an international team led by researchers at the University of Cambridge and King’s College London. The researchers argue that there must be greater recognition that these types of mental health and neurological symptoms can act as an early warning sign that an individual is approaching a “flare,” where their disease worsens for a period.
5-20-2024 Yoga and meditation-induced altered states of consciousness are common in the general population, study says
Yoga, mindfulness, meditation, breathwork, and other practices are gaining in popularity due to their potential to improve health and well-being. The effects of these practices are mostly positive and occasionally transformational, yet they are known to sometimes be associated with challenging altered states of consciousness. New research by a team including investigators from Massachusetts General Hospital reveals that altered states of consciousness associated with meditation practice are far more common than expected. Although many people reported positive outcomes, that were sometimes even considered transformational, from these experiences, for a substantial
5-20-2024 Examining the benefits of out-of-network care for pediatric moyamoya
Total in-episode expenses and resource use before the index surgery (preop) and including/after the surgery (postop). The comparisons are separated for analysis into (A) single institution cohorts (1 and 2) and (B) multi?institution cohorts (3 and 4). Moyamoya disease is a rare condition that affects the blood vessels in the brain, especially in children. Narrowing and blockage of vessels significantly increases the risk of stroke and requires surgical revascularization for treatment. Although research shows that outcomes of revascularization are better
5-20-2024 Study explores links between social media use, mental health and sleep quality
The more time you spend on social media, the greater the likelihood of having unpleasant social-media related dreams that cause distress, sleep disruption and impact our peace of mind. Flinders University’s Reza Shabahang says that the vast and rapid adoption of social media has the potential to influence various aspects of life, including the realm of dreaming. “As social media becomes increasingly intertwined with our lives, its impact extends beyond waking hours, and may influence our dreams,”
5-20-2024 How are asthma and heart health linked?
Although the heart and lungs are neighbors in your chest, people may think of them as separate entities with unrelated problems. But a growing body of evidence suggests that asthma—one of the most common lung disorders—is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease. Asthma is a serious chronic disease in which airways are inflamed, often in response to specific triggers. It affects about 25 million people in the U.S., including nearly 5 million children, causing millions of annual visits to doctors’ offices and emergency rooms. “We call these major changes
5-20-2024 STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
Trust in one’s physician drives positive health practices. In a scoping review, SUNY Poly Professor of Sociology Dr. Linda R. Weber discovered new developments in the measurement of trust, identified those measures of trust that have known reliability and validity, and compared those instruments’ conceptualizations, dimensions, and indicators. The paper is published in the journal PLOS ONE. Weber explains that 10 dimensions emerged from the study: fidelity, technical competence, communicative competence, interpersonal competence (i.e., caring), honesty, confidentiality, global, behavioral, fairness, and system trust/accountability. In addition, these findings provide the foundation
5-20-2024 TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
Living a busy, fast-paced life can make it hard to find the motivation to cook a healthy meal at home. However, learning some shortcuts in the kitchen can keep your healthy eating goals on track and help you avoid grazing on unhealthy snacks, grabbing the first thing you see in the fridge or going out for fast food. Why cook at home? Research shows that maintaining a healthy weight is challenging when you eat out too frequently. Restaurant portions often are super-sized
5-20-2024 UNDERSTANDING PERIMENOPAUSE VS. MENOPAUSE
Menopause marks a significant transition for women, yet understanding its precursor, perimenopause, and its symptoms can be complex. Dr. Stephanie Faubion, director of Mayo Clinic’s Center for Women’s Health and medical director of The Menopause Society, says experiencing perimenopause and menopause can be confusing for some. She says it is not only patients who may find it confusing, but medical providers as well, due to lack of training in menopause management. “Menopause is defined by no menstrual cycle for a year,” says Dr. Faubion.
5-20-2024 LOW-DOSE IRON SUPPLEMENTATION HAS NO BENEFIT FOR BREASTFED INFANTS, SHOWS STUDY
The American Pediatric Association recommends iron supplements to all healthy infants who breastfeed longer than four months, while its European counterpart, Society of Gastroenterology, Hepataology and Nutrition, does not recommend it. These deviating guidelines stimulated researchers to design a new study. Breastfeeding is strongly recommended, and the proportion of children are breastfed during the first half of life is high. The researchers wanted to determine whether breastfeeding babies could benefit from extra iron.
5-20-2024 ALLERGY MEDICATIONS COME WITH HAZARDS: BE AWARE
People with seasonal allergies often turn to over-the-counter and prescription medicines to relieve symptoms like coughing, sneezing, runny nose, congestion and itchy eyes, nose or throat. But they often aren’t aware that these meds—including antihistamines—have as much risk for potential side effects, drug interactions and overdose as other drugs. “All medicines have side effects associated with them even when they are taken appropriately and according to dosing directions on the label,”
5-20-2024 I CAN’T AFFORD OLIVE OIL—WHAT ELSE CAN I USE?
If you buy your olive oil in bulk, you’ve likely been in for a shock in recent weeks. Major supermarkets have been selling olive oil for up to A$65 for a four-liter tin, and up to $26 for a 750 milliliter bottle. We’ve been hearing about the health benefits of olive oil for years. And many of us are adding it to salads, or baking and frying with it. But during a cost-of-living crisis, these high prices can put olive oil out of reach. Let’s take a look at why
5-20-2024 Researchers uncover biological trigger of early puberty
Heather Brenhouse, associate professor of psychology, says disrupting the caretaker relationship can really traumatize a child or a developing rodent. Credit: Ruby Wallau/Northeastern University New research conducted by the Brenhouse Lab reveals how early life adversity triggers early puberty and late-life anxiety, paving the way for potential interventions. The onset of puberty has been creeping downward for decades. In the United States, the average age of girls reaching puberty ranges from 8.8 to 10.3 years old. The early start of puberty, which is associated with many health risks, can be
5-20-2024 Bioluminescence and 3D-printed implants shed light on brain–spinal interactions
Brain-spinal cord duet’s neurodynamic symphony is now accessible to scientists via novel multi-organ implants. Credit: Dmitrijs Celinskis A sensory process such as pain is no ordinary phenomenon—it’s a symphony of neural and vascular interactions orchestrated by the brain and spinal cord. Attempting to dissect this symphony by focusing on a single region is like trying to understand a complex melody by listening to just one instrument. It’s incomplete, potentially misleading, and may result in erroneous conclusions. Enter the Carney Institute’s team of visionaries. Their mission? To develop tools that allow
5-20-2024 New thesis explores cancer treatment that can prevent relapse
. What is the main focus of your thesis? Relapse following initial treatment efficacy remains a major clinical challenge for many cancers. The focus of my thesis has been to explore the therapeutic impact of immune cells in patients with blood cancer (leukemia), by first investigating which cells
5-20-2024 New study reveals health and social benefits of car-free living
Participating in a three-week car-free challenge has enhanced the health and well-being of Oxford residents, according to research conducted by The University of Bath’s Centre for Climate Change and Social Transformations (CAST), in partnership with climate charity Possible and Low Carbon Oxford North (LCON), conducted this research project. After ditching their cars for three weeks, 10 out of the 12 drivers across Oxford who participated said they plan to continue with reduced car use beyond the project. The findings of this research project show that: Day-to-day transport emissions were slashed
5-20-2024 Research shows linked biological pathways driving skin inflammation
A certain biological pathway—a set of linked reactions in the body—drives the inflammation seen in the skin disease psoriasis, a new study finds. The work could lead to improved therapies for all inflammatory skin diseases, including atopic and allergic dermatitis and a type of boil called hidradenitis suppurativa, say the study authors. The findings are published in the journal Immunity. Inflammation is the body’s natural response to irritation and infection, but when out of control, it can lead to the reddish, flaky, itchy lesions that
5-20-2024 Prescription co-payments linked to more hospital admissions in New Zealand, study finds
A new study from researchers cautions that bringing back the $5 co-payment for prescription medicines could see a jump in hospital admissions. The study analyzed health data for 71,502 people and found those who didn’t pick up a prescription because they couldn’t afford the $5 fee had a 34% higher rate of being admitted to hospital.
5-20-2024 How a simulation is informing COVID-19 vaccine policy after our ‘return to normal’
As the saying goes “There is no such thing as normal” and this has been especially true after the pandemic. Before the emergence of the omicron COVID-19 variant, countries like the U.K. had high vaccination coverage along with widespread exposure to COVID-19 in the population. This combination of vaccine and infection-derived immunity is termed hybrid immunity and is different to vaccine immunity or infection immunity alone. In contrast, other countries, including Australia, New Zealand and those in the Western Pacific, had a very different pandemic experience.
5-20-2024 Researchers find intriguing connections between Alzheimer’s disease and other common conditions
A study has found that while some medical conditions appear to increase our likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s disease, others appear to decrease the odds. The study, led by Dr. Yijun (Nicholas) Pan and Dr. Liang Jin, analyzed data from 2,443 older Australians living in Melbourne or Perth who are part of the Australian Imaging, Biomarker and Lifestyle (AIBL) study, an internationally recognized cohort for dementia research. “We found anxiety and other neurological disorders are associated with increased likelihood of Alzheimer’s disease,” Dr. Pan said.
5-20-2024 Prepping autistic or sound-sensitive kids for cicada noise
As Chicagoans await the emergence of the cicadas, parents of children on the autism spectrum and/or who have sensitivities to sound can take a few steps to prepare for what is expected to be a loud summer. “Some children on the spectrum can struggle with loud or unexpected noises, such as toilets that automatically flush, fireworks around the Fourth of July or the emergence of a large number of cicadas,”
5-20-2024 Study highlights importance of screening for rare inherited iron metabolism defects
Over 40% of cases curated based on stringent clinical and laboratory criteria from the Indian subcontinent have an inherited iron metabolism defect on comprehensive genomic evaluation, report investigators in The Journal of Molecular Diagnostics. Although iron deficiency anemia is the most prevalent form of anemia globally,
5-20-2024 Study finds tyrosine kinase Csk promotes germinal center B cell survival and affinity maturation
The authors found that Csk (a tyrosine kinase that attenuates B cell receptor signaling) is required for germinal center maintenance and efficient antibody maturation. The immune system strikes a fine balance by identifying and neutralizing disease-causing agents while carefully avoiding destruction of healthy tissues and cells. Now, researchers from Japan have shed new light on one of the processes that helps train immune cells to act only against genuine threats.
5-20-2024 Significant gaps between science of obesity and the care patients receive, say experts
As research continues to produce evidence about the underlying causes of obesity and optimal strategies to treat and manage obesity have evolved, there are disparities in application of the latest scientific advances in the clinical care that people with obesity receive. Widespread adoption of current findings, consistency of care and expertise in obesity care varies by health care professional and institution.
5-20-2024 Improving online depression treatment
Symptom course of depression for individuals who dropped out of treatment and those who completed treatment. In the dropout group, there is an initial decrease in symptoms while the patients were still in treatment, which tapers off as they drop out. For completers, there is close to a linear change over time. This suggests there is a relation between the more that an individual continues to participate in ICBT and their depressive symptom improvement.
5-20-2024 Women face worse chronic kidney disease management in primary care
Women receive worse primary care-based chronic kidney disease (CKD) management than men, according to a research letter adult patients with CKD receiving primary care at 15 practices using electronic health record data to examine sex disparities in guideline-based CKD management
5-20-2024 Bisoprolol does not reduce exacerbations in at-risk COPD patients
For patients with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), bisoprolol does not reduce the number of self-reported exacerbations treated with oral corticosteroids, antibiotics, or both, according to a study
5-20-2024 Anticancer potential of CLK kinase inhibitors 1C8 and GPS167 via EMT and antiviral immune response
The diheteroarylamide-based compound 1C8 and the aminothiazole carboxamide-related compound GPS167 inhibit the CLK kinases, and affect the proliferation of a broad range of cancer cell lines. A chemogenomic screen previously performed with GPS167 revealed that the depletion of components associated with mitotic spindle assembly altered
5-20-2024 Study sheds light on bacteria associated with pre-term birth
Researchers from North Carolina State University have found that multiple species of Gardnerella, bacteria sometimes associated with bacterial vaginosis (BV) and pre-term birth, can coexist in the same vaginal microbiome. The findings, published in mSystems, add to the emerging picture of Gardnerella’s effects on human health. Gardnerella is a group of anaerobic bacteria that are commonly found in the vaginal microbiome. Higher levels of the bacteria are a signature of BV and associated with higher risk of pre-term birth, but it is also found in women who have no sign
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations

• 5-20-2024GALLBLADDER CANCER RISES AMONG BLACK AMERICANS AS CASES DECLINE IN OTHER GROUPS
• 5-20-2024US PEDIATRICIANS REVERSE DECADES-OLD ADVICE AGAINST HIV-POSITIVE MOTHERS BREASTFEEDING
• 5-20-2024UK REPORT FINDS COVER-UP OF DECADES-LONG INFECTED BLOOD SCANDAL
• 5-20-2024ASTRAZENECA TO BUILD $1.5 BLN CANCER DRUG FACILITY IN SINGAPORE
• 5-20-2024CHEMO FOR GLIOBLASTOMA ENHANCED BY TAPPING INTO CELL’S DAILY RHYTHMS
• 5-20-2024RESEARCH SHOWS THAT FERROPTOSIS, A FORM OF CELL DEATH, OCCURS IN SEVERE COVID-19 PATIENT LUNGS
• 5-20-2024BODY’S ‘MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE’ DELIVERS TARGETED CANCER TREATMENT
• 5-20-2024EARLY BLOOD GLUCOSE CONTROL FOR THOSE WITH TYPE 2 DIABETES CRUCIAL FOR REDUCING COMPLICATIONS, PROLONGING LIFE
• 5-20-2024GRID CELL RESPONSES TO THE ILLUSION OF SELF-LOCATION
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER TOP-DOWN SIGNALS IN BRAIN CIRCUITS REGULATING DEPRESSION
• 5-20-2024BENIGN NAIL CONDITION LINKED TO RARE SYNDROME THAT GREATLY INCREASES CANCER RISK
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS REVEAL PROMISING TREATMENT TARGET FOR RESISTANT BRAIN CANCER
• 5-20-2024NEW MECHANISMS UNDERLYING TUMOR VARIETY IN BRAIN CANCERS DISCOVERED
• 5-20-2024STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
• 5-20-2024MOTIVATED BY LACK OF DIVERSITY IN NEUROLOGICAL STUDIES, SCIENTISTS LOOK TO ENSURE EQUITY IN BRAIN RESEARCH
• 5-20-2024FLUORIDE EXPOSURE DURING PREGNANCY LINKED TO INCREASED RISK OF CHILDHOOD NEUROBEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-20-2024STUDY SUGGESTS BOTH STEP AND TIME-BASED EXERCISE TARGETS ARE EQUALLY BENEFICIAL
• 5-20-2024MEDICAID ‘UNWINDING’ DECRIED AS BIASED AGAINST DISABLED PEOPLE
• 5-20-2024TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
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Hello Potato Clan!
Wanted to share another library story that happened literally yesterday.
There is this woman who has started coming in to the library. For a visual, imagine if the girl who was the pretty girl in high school ate a beach ball. All the entitlement, but nothing to back it up with.
I am fairly certain her entire mission in life is to see how many of our minor violations she can break before we throw her out. And I’ll happily throw my back out tossing her to the curb.
Originally, she would fall asleep in the library. Like everywhere. She fell asleep at tables, on the soft seating, in the bathroom I’m pretty sure. Which is a no-no.
Yes, I know other libraries can and do allow patrons to fall asleep in their buildings. However, because of some past incidents of potential to actual overdose, we would rather patrons not fall asleep. We usually ask them to get some fresh air before we eventually have to ask them to leave. Not my rule, but you have to follow it.
Recently, she has started getting snippy with my security staff. They are usually the ones who wake her up. I have woken her up twice myself, one time because I could hear her snoring outside of my office. She has called them stalkers, following her, and harassing her.
Ma’am, you are breaking the rules.
It’s not harassment if you aren’t behaving.
You also will pull your jacket hood over your head and lean down on the table looking as if you are asleep.
Help me, help you.
Yesterday, she came in and dropped her stuff on one of our tables. Sometime later, one of the security guards came up to me and said, “hey, I’m pretty sure that one patron left the building and left her stuff.”
Sure enough, I checked back on the security cameras and she got up, asked another patron to watch her stuff, and left the building. Not only the building, the property. Got on her little scooter and putt putted away.
This is a violation of our rules. You cannot leave your personal property and expect staff or patrons to look after it or have it block access for other patrons. I am surely not keeping an eye on your stuff. Granted, I saw what she left behind. Even the desperate would be like, “I can do better.” But it’s the principle, damn it!
I went over to talk to the guy she spoke with and asked if he knew her and what not. Que the Mariah Carey, “I don’t know her.” This man threw her under several busses in acknowledging how much he did not know who she was. It was actually slightly funny.
She’d been gone for OVER an hour before I finally asked the branch manager if I had permission to put her stuff near the lost and found. He happily agreed. It’s nice when my petty is permitted.
Eventually, almost TWO hours later, this heifer finally strolls in. When she inquires about her stuff, the security guard directs her to me, since I was the manager on duty.
Here. We. Go.
She comes up, annoyed judging by her red face. Or out of breath. Unsure. It was a long walk over to me.
She goes, “why did you move my stuff?”
I replied, in my management tone, “well ma’am, your stuff is over at our circulation desk in our lost and found. We moved your stuff because, as our policy states, you cannot leave personal property unattended. Since you left the property for over an hour, we moved. Now you are more than welcome to leave your stuff if you need to step out to make a phone call or have a smoke break. But you can’t leave the property.”
Her reply, “huh. Well I didn’t think it was an hour.”
Now…the good Lord, when he made me, did not install in my program much patience. He did not think it fit to download the app into me that put up with the audacity.
So, I didn’t.
I replied, still in management tone, “well we have security cameras that keep track of time. So…”
She walked away from me and went to get her stuff, muttering and grumbling all the way.
At some point, word will get out that I am not to be trifled with. But until then, I’m more than happy to knock some entitled patrons down a peg.

3 months ago, my relationship with a borderline ended. The relationship was a constant rollercoaster ride.
I knew she had BPD, she told me about her diagnosis about a month or two into the relationship and we only lasted about 6 months.
I tried so hard to understand the disorder, to not let it define her or our relationship, I wanted to help her with it too, I researched it, spoke about what I can do for her when she is splitting or feelings her emotions. I tried to give her all the support I could.
Now that time has passed and I am no longer blinded by her beauty or what I thought was an intense, genuine connection I see things clearly.
Once the relationship ended I began researching BPD, I spent hours every day trying to understand her and what happened between us. This became an obsession for me, something that distracted me from the chaotic breakup and my thoughts about her.
I lost a lot due to her, I gave up countless opportunities, missed out on experiences which I won’t have again due to the circumstances of our relationship and location. I compromised my mental health for hers, I lost friends and distanced myself from my family and I lost what was a significant amount of money for me.
The relationship was abusive like many here, I was gaslit, blackmailed, controlled, called names, devalued, and continuously punished for past mistakes.
We would spend hours fighting about something stupid, this mostly consisted of her being withdrawn from me, listing everything that was wrong with me, asking me to leave and then when I go to leave punishing me for that. I would miss meals due to these fights which complimented the stress I felt and often times the fight would end with me being pushed to my limit and breaking down.
I noticed that when we would fight that it would end if I started crying, I started allowing myself to cry in front of her during these times to try and put an end to the fights and this made me feel like a terrible person or narcissistic for deploying my emotions to stop her attacks and now as I look back I find that so devastating that I did that and thought those things.
Once the fights ended things would magically reset like nothing at all happened, we’d usually reconnect with sex which was always intense and frequent. Then the clock started again until the cycle repeated.
I had been pushed to my limit mentally, she had taken so much energy from me so my only option was to remove myself from her which meant leaving where I was and moving somewhere far away from her, this was partly due to other circumstances but mainly because of her.
She begged me to stay with her and go long distance, we had broken up multiple times before I made this decision in the space of a month and I was so exhausted and under pressure from her mother who was now involved with us that I gave in.
I left her, gave long distance a try for two weeks and then we had a massive fight, it was like a nuclear bomb detonating. She tried to overdose and I was made responsible for getting her help, I spent hours trying to find out where she was over the phone in a different time zone so the emergency services could get to her, thankfully they did.
She was brought to hospital and the relationship was put to an end by me, I explained what had happened was too much, wished her well and blocked her on everything (apart from one thing which she then sent me the most horrible message I’ve ever received on the next day, but I didn’t reply, I blocked that account too).
There has been no direct attempt to hoover ever since, I have not tried to contact her either and have no intention or desire of ever speaking to her again.
Immediately after what had happened I was relieved, I felt a massive weight lift from my shoulders and I wasn’t drowning with her anymore.
I went through every stage of grief, I went to counselling, had a massive break down to my parents, I felt so guilty for what had happened, I was depressed too. The anxiety I felt was unmatched to anything before, I was terrified of the smear campaign she promised to deliver, I accepted that she would ruin my life but it never came directly to me, I have no idea what she has told her friends but no harm has came my way (something I am so grateful for as I know some here have gone through some very difficult circumstances following a breakup with a borderline and you have my absolute sympathy if that is you).
After three months to the day, things are getting easier. I do not think about her as much as I did, I recognise her for who she is and how she treated me and I have accepted that I didn’t deserve that.
I don’t hate her, hate can help but it does not heal and holding resentment gives the borderline more power over you, it is important to acknowledge what happened, educate yourself on the disorder and forgive the circumstances, forgive the person as they do not know what they do, but never go back.
A borderline is not like you and I, their brain structure and chemistry is different to a regular person, they are an emotional child trapped in an adults body who has developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and strategies to get what they want which take years to unlearn.
The life of a borderline is internally and externally destructive, the chaos they feel in their mind is projected onto those around them and the clock only stops with them. They do not care about you, they can’t. A borderline cannot recognise what they do to others and whilst I used this as a justification for her treatment towards me, it is never a justification for abuse and makes things extraordinarily difficult to leave them.
I had accepted when I was with her that this is my life now, maybe one day in some years she will get better and her symptoms will go into remission. This is not the case, yes a borderline after years of therapy can manage their symptoms better and life might get easier for them and those around them but it is never your responsibility to wait for them.
A borderline mirrors you, they use you to regulate their emotions, they are an empty vassal that latches on to you and it is your job to provide them with stability in their minds. They are parasites for your energy and emotional stability.
Before I met her I was a confident, easy going, happy young man. Now I am damaged, emotionally drained and my mental health is starting to get better but it was the worst it has ever been.
Things do get better though, it is normal to miss them, to think that things could be different, they make promises to work on themselves, they tell you things will be different but things will never change. They make you think you are a perfect person, they boost your ego by putting you on a pedestal and we become addicted to that treatment.
I imagine what my days would be like if she was still in my life and we continued long distance, I see myself spending hours on the phone with her, worrying about when the next outburst will be, spending hours getting her to come to her senses and stop splitting on me. Feeling on edge constantly.
I am much happier trading those feelings for the feelings of peace and freedom, I would much rather feel lonely and sad sometimes than have her in my life.
Yes, my relationship was short, we did not have children, we weren’t married and I got out quickly. I am lucky to be in that position. But for those who may be coming out of a relationship with a borderline, you have your life back now no matter how long it was, reality for what it is will return to you and you do not need to live in their chaotic fantasy world any more.
Educate yourself on the disorder, look after yourself and take your time to recover because you need it. Things do get easier and it will get better, remain in no contact and let time heal your wounds.

Hi all,
Looking for some advice ☺️ From the UK here.
Background: Suffered with panic disorder, GAD and anxiety induced depression for ten years but was medicated well with SSRI Sertraline. Unfortunately, somebody spiked my drink last march and I suffered from mild serotonin syndrome (SS). I had to cold turkey the Sertraline to save my life and when I reinstated a week later after I recovered from SS it never worked the same way again. I have tried 6 SSRIs/SNRIs/pregablin since and they work for a week or two and then I have a serotonin toxicity reaction and get pulled off them cold turkey. This was all done by my general doctor and not a psychiatrist. Unfortunately I ended up in the emergency department a month ago due to the awful side effects and SI I had after a bad reaction to cymbalta. This was stopped cold turkey again after taking it for a week.
I believe this is where my aka started. It’s more mental that physical as I do not need to pace but I have the severe sense of dread and terror X10000 compared to the anxiety and panic I used to deal with. I am also incredibly irritable with dark obsessive thoughts which has led me to want to jump out my skin and I can relate to a lot of you on here.
I was assigned a consultant psychiatrist who prescribed me quetiapine. I was taking this at night to help me sleep and in the day to manage my anxiety and sense of dread. It worked to a certain extent as it just sedated and zombified me. I suffered with extrapyramidal symptoms such as tremor and urinary retention/bloating so my dose is down to just 50XR release at night to help me sleep and I will be coming off this soon (I am wanting to go down to 25mg to wean myself off but consultant doesn’t believe that’s needed). I am now on Lamictal {Lamotrigine and have been taking 25mg for 6 days now. I feel like it’s made my anxiety worse and I’m taking small amount of diazepam (max 2mg bd) to help me through.
It’s obvious that I have been completely polydrugged and have had severe reactions to serotonin re uptake inhibitors which I have been pulled off cold turkey which has made everything a lot worse. My CNS is now in haywire and I am having constant adrenaline dumps creating terror and fear which has led me to be petrified of being alone or going to the shops etc where I am now a hermit living back with my parents. I’m grateful I have a supportive network.
I am now really struggling with the inner aka and it is completely debilitating. However, I am thankful that I don’t have the physical symptoms as I can’t begin to imagine the pain some of you are going through with that.
I have a meeting with the psychiatrist on Friday and want to explain that I believe I have inner aka and want to be treated for this and come off the quetiapine and lamictal. I’m afraid they will gaslight me and want to prescribe more drugs (his next option was ablify which is a huge no go after reading on here and doing my research). What I want to know is:

• if you suffer with inner aka only, how did you manage to convince your psych that this is what you have and that the drugs are doing more damage?
• if they gaslight you, how do you cope with that?

I’m planning on writing down how I’m feeling today to have as notes in the meeting but I’m terrified that they will just say it’s anxiety and want to prescribe me ablify which I will refuse.
Any help or guidance on how to engage with psychs about this inner aka would be much appreciated.

I spend a lot of time researching how our nervous system works and what may contribute to the development of Visual Snow and other symptoms. Remember that there is a lot of vital information that I do not know, and may greatly benefit our understanding of this condition. Visual snow is described as an "epileptic" firing in the visual system in the brain. (Tinnitus behaves very similarly but it is occurring in the auditory nerves) NMDA glutamate receptors, which are overexpressed after excitotoxic injury may well be the trigger of an increased spontaneous firing in the nerves. In turn, the brain would decode this increased firing as "visual snow" The idea is that remaining nerve endings have been damaged enough to overexpress NMDA Glutamate receptors, thus increasing their spontaneous firing.There are various factors that contribute to the development of this condition. Everybody first had an initial trigger, and this varies from person to person. Common causes include stress, trauma, recreational and prescription drugs, Lyme, mold, heavy metals, and other toxic exposures. But what they all result in is brain injury and neuronal damage. The severity varies from person to person. The consequences of such injury doesn't just cause break in communication between healthy neurons, but a cascade of events that can lead to further neuronal degeneration and cell death. That is where visual snow comes in. Think of a broken radio or a TV where it isn't able to receive and process incoming signals so the outcome is a lot of visual/auditory noise. Our brains behave in a similar manner when there is an interference with proper neuron function and communication.Another good example is a type of neuropathic pain called paresthesia where you experience tingling and pricking sensations in various parts of your body. When nerves are damaged, they can't communicate properly and that miscommunication causes symptoms such as pain, tingling or numbness.Medical researchers searching for new medications for visual snow often look to the connection between the nerve cells in the brain and the various agents that act as neurotransmitters, such as the central nervous system's primary excitatory neurotransmitter glutamate. Visual snow can be caused when damaged brain cells emit an excess of glutamate. Many treatments use ingredients that work as glutamate antagonists, or inhibitors. Communication between nerve cells in the brain is accomplished through the use of neurotransmitters. There are many compounds that act as neurotransmitters including acetylcholine, serotonin, GABA, glutamate, aspartate, epinephrine, norpinephrine and dopamine. These chemicals attach to nerve cells at specific receptors that allow for only one type of neurotransmitter to attach.Some of the neurotransmitters are excitatory; leading to increased electrical transmission between nerve cells. Others are inhibitory and reduce electrical activity. The most common excitatory neurotransmitters are glutamate and aspartate while the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter is GABA. It is necessary for excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters to be in balance for proper brain function to occur.Communication over synapses between neurons are controlled by glutamate. When brain cells are damaged, excessive glutamate is released. Glutamate is well known to have neurotoxic properties when excessively released or incompletely recycled. This is known as excitotoxicity and leads to neuronal death.Excess glutamate opens the sodium channel in the neuron and causes it to fire. Sodium continues to flow into the neuron causing it to continue firing. This continuous firing of the neuron results in a rapid buildup of free radicals and inflammatory compounds. These compounds attack the mitochondria, the energy producing elements in the core of the neuron cell. The mitochondria become depleted and the neuron withers and dies.Excitotoxicity has been involved in a number of acute and/or degenerative forms of neuropathology such as epilepsy, autism, ALS, Parkinson’s, schizophrenia, migraines, restless leg syndrome, tourettes, pandas, fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, Huntington's, seizures, insomnia, hyperactivity, OCD, bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders.(Doctors use two basic ways to correct this imbalance. The first is to activate GABA receptors that will inhibit the continuous firing caused by glutamate. The second way to correct the imbalance is use antogonists to glutamate and its receptor N-methyl-d-aspartate (NMDA). These are termed glutamate or NMDA antagonists. By binding with these receptors, the antagonist medication reduces glutamate-induced continuous firing of the neuron. This explains why some drugs like clonazepam and lamictal are able to help relieve symptoms in some patients. They help reduce excitatory action in the brain temporarily)Anxiety, depression, brain fog, depersonalization, visual disturbances (including visual snow, palinopsia, blue field entoptic phenomenon, photophobia, photopsia) headaches, tinnitus, are all common symptoms associated with increased excitatory activity in the brain. Excessive glutamate is the primary villain in visual snow.I strongly believe there are some genetic components that play a huge role in the development of Visual Snow and makes some individuals more susceptible to developing it. Normally, glutamate concentration is tightly controlled in the brain by various mechanisms at the synapse. There are at least 30 proteins that are membrane-bound receptor or transporter proteins at, or near, the glutamate synapse that control or modulate neuronal excitability. But in Visual Snow sufferers, my hypothesis is that we carry a faulty gene that results in dysregulation of the proteins that control and regulate glutamate excitability. They are unknown as more research will be needed.We live in a society where we are stressed emotionally, financially, physically and exposed to a range of toxins in our environment. Combining underlying genetic susceptibility with these other factors creates all the ingredients for a perfect storm.Stress + Infectious Agents (if any) + Toxins + Genetic Susceptibility = Health ConditionIncluded below is a list of things that can lead to excitotoxicity. The list includes trauma, drugs, environmental, chemicals and miscellaneous causes of brain cell damage. (Keep in mind everybody's bodies behave and react differently to various substances)-Severe Stress (Most people that are stressed out don’t realize that once the fight-or-flight response gets activated it can release things like cortisol and epinephrine into the body. Although these boost alertness, in major concentrations, the elevated levels of cortisol over an extended period of time can damage brain functioning and kill brain cells)-Free Radicals – Free radicals are highly-reactive forms of oxygen that can kill brain cells and cause brain damage. If the free radicals in your brain run rampant, your neurons will be damaged at a quicker rate than they can be repaired. This leads to brain cell death as well as cognitive decline if not corrected. (Common causes are unhealthy diet, lifestyle and toxic exposure)-Head Trauma (like concussion or contusion) MRI can detect damaged brain tissue BUT not damaged neurons. -Dehydration (severe)-Cerebal Hypoxia-Lyme disease-Narcolepsy-Sleep Apnea-Stroke-Drugs (recreational or prescription) -Amphetamine abuse-Methamphetamines-Antipsychotics-Benzodiazepine abuse-Cocaine-Esctasy -LSD-Cannabis-Tobacco-Inhalants-Nitrous Oxide-PCP-Steroids-Air Pollution-Carbon Monoxide-Heavy Metal Exposure (such as lead, copper and mercury)-Mold Exposure-Welding fumes-Formaldehyde-Solvents-Pesticides-Anesthesia-Aspartame-MSG (Monosodium Glutamate is found in most processed foods and is hidden under many various names)-Solvents-Chemotherapy-Radiation-Other toxic exposuresInside the Glutamate StormBy: Vivian Teichberg, and Luba Vikhanski"The amino acid glutamate is the major signaling chemical in nature. All invertebrates (worms, insects, and the like) use glutamate for conveying messages from nerve to muscle. In mammals, glutamate is mainly present in the central nervous system, brain, and spinal cord, where it plays the role of a neuronal messenger, or neurotransmitter. In fact, almost all brain cells use glutamate to exchange messages. Moreover, glutamate can serve as a source of energy for the brain cells when their regular energy supplier, glucose, is lacking. However, when its levels rise too high in the spaces between cells—known as extracellular spaces—glutamate turns its coat to become a toxin that kills neurons.As befits a potentially hazardous substance, glutamate is kept safely sealed within the brain cells. A healthy neuron releases glutamate only when it needs to convey a message, then immediately sucks the messenger back inside. Glutamate concentration inside the cells is 10,000 times greater than outside them. If we follow the dam analogy, that would be equivalent to holding 10,000 cubic feet of glutamate behind the dam and letting only a trickle of one cubic foot flow freely outside. A clever pumping mechanism makes sure this trickle never gets out of hand: When a neuron senses the presence of too much glutamate in the vicinity—the extracellular space—it switches on special pumps on its membrane and siphons the maverick glutamate back in.This protective pumping process works beautifully as long as glutamate levels stay within the normal range. But the levels can rise sharply if a damaged cell spills out its glutamate. In such a case, the pumps on the cellular membranes can no longer cope with the situation, and glutamate reveals its destructive powers. It doesn’t kill the neuron directly. Rather, it overly excites the cell, causing it to open its pores excessively and let in large quantities of substances that are normally allowed to enter only in limited amounts.One of these substances is sodium, which leads to cell swelling because its entry is accompanied by an inrush of water, needed to dilute the surplus sodium. The swelling squeezes the neighboring blood vessels, preventing normal blood flow and interrupting the supply of oxygen and glucose, which ultimately leads to cell death. Cell swelling, however, is reversible; the cells will shrink back once glutamate is removed from brain fluids. More dangerous than sodium is calcium, which is harmless under normal conditions but not when it rushes inside through excessively opened pores. An overload of calcium destroys the neuron’s vital structures and eventually kills it.Regardless of what killed it, the dead cell spills out its glutamate, all the vast quantities of it that were supposed to be held back by the dam. The spill overly excites more cells, and these die in turn, spilling yet more glutamate. The destructive process repeats itself over and over, engulfing brain areas until the protective pumping mechanism finally manages to stop the spread of glutamate."Recent research has confirmed that hypermetabolism has been primarily found in the right lingual gyrus and left cerebellar anterior lobe of the brain in individuals suffering from visual snow. The definition of hypermetabolism is described as "the physiological state of increased rate of metabolic activity and is characterized by an abnormal increase in metabolic rate." Hypermetabolism typically occurs after significant injury to the body. It serves as one of the body's strongest defence against illness and injury. This means that the brain is trying to compensate for the injured areas in the brain by increasing metabolism to meet it's high energy demands. It is trying to function to the best of it's ability under the circumstances. Normally the body can heal itself and regenerate under the right circumstances. But it is extremely difficult for the central nervous system - which includes the spinal cord and brain to be able to do so, due to it's inhibitory environment which prevents new neurons from forming. That is where stem cells come in. Stem cells are an exciting new discovery, because they can become literally any cell in the body including neurons. This is an amazing scientific breakthrough and has the potential to treat a whole host of conditions. Scientists are currently doing research and conducting trials.Excitotoxicity can trigger your "fight or flight" response, as this is the body's primary response to illness, injury or infection. If the brain and the body remain in the sympathetic fight or flight state for too long and too often, it is degenerative; it breaks us down. If this cycle continues, then eventually the system burns out. It is this cycle that results in autonomic nervous system dysfunction. The results are disastrous, digestion is shut down, metabolism, immune function and the detoxification system is impaired, blood pressure and heart rate are increased, circulation is impaired, sleep is disrupted, memory and cognitive function may be impaired, neurotransmitters are drained, our sense of smell, taste and sound are amplified, high levels of norepinephrine are released in the brain and the adrenal glands release a variety of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.I believe in order to find a treatment or cure for VS and it's accompanying symptoms, we need to address the underlying cause, reduce the excess excitatory activity in the brain, repair the damaged neurons, regain proper communication between neurons, rebalance the autonomic nervous system and prevent further cellular damage. We also need to figure out what genes, if any come into play. There is still a lot we don't know about the brain because it is such an remarkably complex organ.FAQsWon't lowering the levels of glutamate solve the problem? Well, not necessarily. That is just one piece of the puzzle. You have to remember that Visual Snow is a multifactorial and complex condition in which it stems from a number of different causes and influences. Based on my knowledge and the information I have gathered, I can conclude that the overstimulation of glutamate plays a huge role in VS and some other symptoms we experience. But there is still so much we don't know. That's why more research will be needed.Why is my condition worsening over time?That is a very good question. It is because the physiology, biology and chemistry of your brain and nervous system has been altered and has become dysfunctional since the initial trigger set off a domino of effects that leads to further degradation in the body. This puts a huge strain on your body and is constantly activating your stress response system. This will wreak havoc on your entire body. The stress response system was designed to deal with brief emergencies that threaten survival. It isn't supposed to last very long because the body cannot sustain itself for very long in this state. When you remain in "fight or flight" sympathetic state for too long, it becomes degenerative and breaks our bodies down. This affects every system in the body. When you are constantly under stress, the stress response system never turns off resulting in an ongoing destructive cycle. Stress can also exacerbate all your symptoms and makes you susceptible to developing other chronic health conditions. How is the gut related to VS?Having increased intestinal permeability is very common in this modern world because we are constantly being bombarded by toxins and stress. Our bodies weren't designed to handle such a huge burden. So we end up getting sick and become susceptible to kinds of diseases. Common causes include:-Poor diet (from excessive consumption of foods such as grains, legumes, sugars, alcohol)-Chronic stress-Toxin overload-Gut dysbiosis (It means you have a lack of beneficial bacteria in your gastrointestinal (GI) tract. They are overpowered and outnumbered by pathogens such as pathogenic bacteria, yeast, viruses, parasites)-Overuse of antibiotics When you have increased intestinal permeability, the epithelium on the villi of the small intestine becomes inflamed and irritated, which allows metabolic, microbial and environmental toxins and undigested food particles to flood into the blood stream. This event compromises the liver, the lymphatic system, and the immune response including the endocrine system. It is often the primary cause of the following common conditions: asthma, food allergies, chronic sinusitis, eczema, urticaria, migraine, irritable bowel, fungal disorders, fibromyalgia, and inflammatory joint disorders including rheumatoid arthritis are just a few of the diseases that can originate from having poor gut health.This sets the stage for chronic systemic inflammation, oxidative stress, mitochondrial dysfunction, impaired detoxification, gastrointestinal dysfunction and immune system dysregulation.Some toxins have the ability to damage and destroy neurons, myelin sheaths, synapses and even DNA. An overload of toxins that the immune system is not able to get rid of disrupts normal brain function. This eventually initiates an autoimmune response where the immune system attacks the brain and nerve cells as it tries it’s best to eliminate the toxins.The mitochondria are the energy producing section of your cells. When they are damaged by the toxic overload in the brain cells and are not able to produce energy to fuel the cell, the cell dies.In order to stop this vicious cycle, the underlying biological mechanisms of VS needs to be understood. That is the first step that needs to be taken. Any other stressors also needs to be addressed in order to reduce the overall stress load.It is important to know that VS is just a symptom of underlying physiological stress in the brain. Symptoms are your body's way of communicating with you, letting you know something is wrong in the body.I've come across some research indicating that microglial activation and elevated nitric oxide is involved in some neurological conditions. Basically the microglial cells are our brain's immune cells and when something triggers an inflammatory response, they activate and release harmful neurotoxic compounds (such as nitric oxide and pro-inflammatory cytokines) which results in neuronal injury/death. Microglial activation can also result in a loss of synaptic connections in different regions of the brain. It's basically an autoimmune response in the brain. The neuroinflammatory process appears to be an ongoing and chronic cycle of central nervous system dysfunction. This can deplete glutathione levels in the body. Glutathione is the body’s most important antioxidant which is capable of preventing oxidative damage caused by reactive oxygen species such as free radicals, peroxides, lipid peroxides, and heavy metals. This only further exaggerates the problem, which only leads to a cascade of increased inflammation.Nitric oxide plays a vital role in this process. Elevated nitric oxide levels reduces and impair natural killer cells which leads to a vulnerable immune system that is susceptible to a variety of systemic infections. -Phobe Zhang

‼️TW (CP, CSA, DA, DV, EA, ED, PA, RA, SA, SH, SI, WC)‼️
Sorry I know that’s a lot of TW’s there’s just brief mention of some of this stuff so I don’t wanna catch anyone off guard.
This is also a bit of a vent post.
I have absolutely no idea what I have, I had no idea I could potentially have a personality disorder until a few months ago, I am not meaning to rely on social media for help, though where I’m from there is such a lack in psychiatrists in my area so I feel stuck/lost. I will be venting/explaining my situation in full, I just would like to hear thoughts and opinions, I’m not trying to say I have anything specific, but the different personalities have made themselves apparent over the past 5 months. Whether it’s OSDD, BPD, DID, i don’t know.
There’s so much that I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I’ll just start with when I realized something wasn’t right. (TMI) I was having an intimate moment with my partner, it’s a long distance relationship (new relationship((known each other for about 6-7 months now)) so it was an over the phone moment. (FaceTime). I’ve had issues in the past because of sexual trauma, where immediately after sex/intimate moments i get sent into a huge derealization/panic attack due to feeling vulnerable. Now at this point, i haven’t had sex in about 4 years, and any time prior, it always ended in panic attacks. Me being vulnerable over the phone is not entirely new, but the level of vulnerability in the sense of allowing myself to fully enjoy it, that was new. I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t talk, I was crying, I was fighting with a blanket trying to cover myself all while my partner was trying to console me. I wasn’t really fully there and before this moment, any show of mania, dissociation, stuff like that, it went unnoticed. During this panic attack, I was absolutely in distress at one moment, and all of the sudden, I felt a shift. I didn’t really understand it when it happened but all of the sudden I stopped crying, the pain was still there but it wasn’t present, it felt deeper inside. It felt very different; I felt very different. All I could think and feel in that moment was this protectiveness and thought process of “I need to clean up everything before she comes back.” Now at the time I wasn’t thinking she, but I knew it was before something. Before a feeling came back was more how it resonated at the time before I could understand it better. Anyways, my whole persona shifted and I went into clean up mode and I was very confused. I felt “her” crying inside. My partner works in mental health, so he danced around delicately as I asked him questions about what he thought was going on so I could get a better picture of what I’m going through since everything felt so blinded. At one point, I just asked him. “Do you think I’m manic?” Which was the only question he responded to confidently. “Yes”. At that point, like this may seem so over exaggerated but it seriously felt like the curtains on my whole life, everything, had been pulled back and I could see myself and my actions for what they were. I saw every manic moment as mania rather than just the original gaslighting myself for my very real and terrifying experiences. After that, I was aware of me being manic for the first time and I haven’t felt such fear in a long time. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever felt fear like that before but like the level of intensity was very hard to deal with. I was terrified. I was finally seeing my hyper vigilance as hyper vigilance. I was seeing the symptoms clearly, my excessive sweating, my depleted eating habits, my sleep schedule insanely messed up. Which all before this, just seemed like “my life”. I started doing research, and I ended up needing to write something down. I can’t remember what it was but I will find it and add it.
“I’ve been doing a lot of research and thinking a lot, there’s been a lot of confusion with my identity or identities. I also need to preface that my entire life whenever I expressed how I felt, I was instead told what to do and how to feel. I know this is going to sound concerning, and people will be quick to dismiss it in an attempt to be supportive. But please just allow it to be what it is. Growing up I was always in great distress, constantly. My head was absolutely filled to the brim with worried and fears and as the years went on it only got worse. I’m highschool I transitioned into Blake; I thought it “felt” like me, but after research and certain situations/symptoms since delving back into that, I realized this was a traumatic disorder, even though I don’t know which one. Blakes feelings were 100% valid, but that’s because they were Blakes. What caused the de-transition was this. Beginning of highschool I was in crisis and distress, my brain created another personality to keep lily safe and keep her locked away. Since then I haven’t seen her, none of us have. Once Blake started receiving micro-aggressions and transphobia we went into even more distress. In 2017 my brain was absolutely stressed out from everything during the drug era and how much trauma and how burdened my mind was, I split again. My brain created Bella. Fast forward to now, Bella was breaking, and Blake had already been poking his head out, he’s been seeing the distress she’s been in and came back to take over. I never thought I was capable of having something like this l, but please bear with me as I explain how I came to this realization. This may be TMI but my partner and I were having an intimate moment and instantly afterwards I had the worst panic attack, something I’ve been trying to protect myself from for years. As I’m writing this down I’m starting to realize that those panic attacks after sexual situations are probably lily, but still valid as panic attacks. I have a lump in my throat while writing this, I promise I am not making it up or exaggerating. During the panic attack my partner was trying to console me but I completely switched in that moment to Blake and all he could feel was sorrow and was trying to give her a break. Blake came out to keep her safe. all I could do was clean up and prepare for when she came back so she wasn’t triggered, I don’t know what this is and gender fluid still feels valid and right, but in that moment of switching genders, I realized I am not switching genders, I am switching personalities. One personality could not carry the burden of it all. I am not concerned about this though, I feel with the very realization I am understanding myself better as a while.”
I was very manic when writing this. I believe I mainly wrote it for my parents. I was fearful of being dismissed.
My cousin had joined the call since I was spiraling and the both of them worked really hard to try and get me to stop writing and go to bed, which was really hard for me because I was super hyper vigilant in the moment and when it comes to my independence, I was told I have to deal with everything myself and I can’t rely on people so sometimes listening to help can be hard, accepting that help can be hard. I ended up being able to put stuff down and go to bed, more because I didn’t want to make things more difficult for them but I also could partly recognize that my actions were not helping the state I was in.
Ever since this moment it’s been realization after realization. This is so far what resonates.
I believe I have 3, possibly 4 alters. One I will name lily, she is who I originally was. Main host I guess? But doesn’t feel like it anymore. What I think happened, is that I’ve been exposed to countless amounts of different forms of abuse. When I was 12, is when I believe I split for the first time. I’ve been looking back at photos to see my mannerisms, expressions, I’ve also been expressing alter emotions through art which was another realization I had a month or two ago. This realization came from looking back at my art, and at one piece I had made just before the main breakdown/realization. It was of a face, and my art has mainly been faces. This one I remember making, I was so frustrated; and I remember looking at it and being like, why am I so frustrated, this doesn’t reflect how I feel at all. Since the realization, my cousin had pointed out that it kind of resembled a sense of splitting, which then resonated deeply. It was like I saw my painting clearly, and then I looked at all my art and was like, oh my god. My alters have been here this whole god damn time. The painting I am talking about; is the one attached to this post.
When I was a child, I hated art with a passion. I remember never picking up a pencil crayon or anything because I just didn’t like it. I wasnt good at it, I had no intention of doing art. When I was 12/13 is when I actually started doing art. I remember I did a bridesmaids dress and was like, cool. Didn’t hate it, (yes I know that this is how most artists start) but then it was just eyes. I only drew eyes, eyes and faces. Faces with third eyes, faces with hardened expressions. Now I have said countless times to my family and friends when they ask about my art, that when I paint or draw, it doesn’t feel like it’s me doing it. I once chalked it up to, artists ghosts were using me to express their art. That thought came during a particularly distressing year that when I look back I was def manic. I lost 100 lbs in like a month-a month and a half, could not eat, could barely leave my bed, was not doing well at all. This was 2019 I believe. I looked through all my art recently and during a sketchbook in 2019, during a really hard time, I had wrote down the wrong year when signing my art. Twice. The year I wrote was 2012, when I was 11/12.(2000 baby). Which then led me to look back on my life and look at photos around 2012 which had me thinking it was 1 of 2 things. 2012 was the year I split for the first time, or it was the year something really traumatic happened. I think it was the first one though. Reason being, yeah everything had started changing when I was 12. I mean I was always changing prior, my life has been very tumultuous. An undiagnosed autistic afab kid who had a very manipulative narcissistic father, and a very sweet mother, surrounded by a huge family of cousins who were like siblings. My mom divorced my dad after lots of abuse, he emotionally manipulated me into always feeling sorry for men when they show emotion and I developed Stockholm syndrome towards him which had me defending his every actions, including when he was a drug dealer, and sold enough drugs to an 18 year old to have her overdose, or the child pornography on his computer, or anything really because I was a child and he was my dad he manipulated me at a very young age. My mom married again a year or two after, which prompted her to need to get away from the abuse of my bio dad, and the abuse of religion we had been pushed upon us since birth. Pentecostal. We moved across country, and suddenly she became very emotionally distant as we now had moved away from my entire family, and had a new man in our life who was stable in every aspect besides the emotional unavailability. He tried, they both did. But they were dealing with traumas. He had just gotten back from Afghanistan. We moved because he was stationed somewhere else in the country. I ended up developing a binge eating disorder, had a lot of other intense traumas in between, did not know how to cope. When I was 10, my parents put me in therapy, my sister and I both. To deal with my bio dad trauma. I’ve been in therapy ever since. I’m 23 now.
I realize I am getting off track but I’m tryna lay everything out and not forget anything.
When I was 12/13, a lot had happened with my bio dad and a restraining order was put in place. He also had a kid with another woman and she(my sister) had passed away, a lot had happened on top of many other traumas, and I think lily broke. She didn’t really wanna be present anymore but we had no idea what was happening, but I felt myself changing. I started combating this with hyper-femininity, because who had split was me, who is currently hosting, Blake. (Also I know I use I/me as a whole sometimes, still tryna understand that. The only thing that resonates with what I mean when I say I is higher self. Not in a spiritual sense but like a higher version or a whole version? I don’t know)
Had no idea wtf was happening. All I knew was I started having dysphoria that I didn’t understand was dysphoria, so I combated it with hyperfeminity. Extra make up; always dressing up extra “girly” trying to act “girlier” or more feminine. Until I turned 14/15, and I ended up coming to terms with the fact that I was not who I thought I was, so I started changing to align with who I was. I came out as a trans man, and started the process of transitioning. Cue micro-aggressions, internalized transphobia, as well as a shit ton of transphobia from my family back home which caused me to panic. I ended up becoming really suicidal and made the decision to go hang out with a friend who was hanging with friends I had never met before, which triggered my next traumatic event. I ended up hanging with the wrong people, went down a drug path, was exposed to some very difficult and dangerous moments, felt a feeling of distress I have never felt nor would ever wish upon my worst enemy. I put it on myself as well, to help the friend I went in there with, get off a coke addiction. He went into psychosis and became violent at one point so I had to tell his mom everything and she sent him to rehab which worked but didn’t. He OD’d one night(survived) it was bad. I only ever went as far as psychedelics. But acid was my drug of choice. I was so done with everyone and everything that I just spent like 2-3 months straight, every day, tripping. I was 16 at the time. I also was exposed to the father of the household who had a weird thing for me, he tried sneaking into my bedroom one night when my bf wasn’t home (I ended up moving in with my at the time bf) but I was awake so he left real quick but it terrified me. All of this was such intense distress and I believe around this time was the second split, because it felt like for the entirety of me in that traumatic era, it was Blake and Bella fighting to host and take over. Bella was the host for the past 6 years. She took over around 2017, after like a year of fighting. I(Blake) tend to self destruct, even though I’m overprotective, trying to accept this about myself at the time was impossible because I was dealing with so much anger that was affecting the rest of the system. I also was done. Idk if alters “go to sleep” but Blake went away for a while. But what I’ve come to realize is I don’t think they’re ever went away, like lily has always been here, and I realized that the night of the intimate moment, because me having that panic attack after the intimate moment, and every panic attack prior, I believe that it’s lily. I haven’t touched that too much though because she is so to herself and shy and never comes out and she’s just traumatized, plus the amount of anger coming from Blake, and the amount of sadness coming from Bella, it’s all very overwhelming. But I do think it’s her, I don’t think she understands what’s happening but she like pokes her head out during it because maybe it’s so to with the sexual trauma we went through as a kid? I know something happened to me as a kid but I don’t know what. But I’m not ready for that yet, the anger is a more pressing issue.
Bella is very maternal, she took over and spent the past 6 years working her ass off to develop the coping mechanisms we need, and creating a safe space in our mind. The manic moments have been cushioned without us even knowing it’s manic moments; all she knew was we’re in distress so she found what helped best and worked real hard to keep us afloat. She got us out of the drugs, out of the abuse, out of the toxic relationship, out of anything that did not serve us. But not without giving up too much of herself and being beaten down. Like I know we’ve all gone through it but she took hit after hit after hit and everyone just used her as a projection batting cage. Within the past few months has been her stepping down. 5 months is us fighting, because she doesn’t want to, but she needs to, because she needs a break. And I need a break from the break. I need to deal with my anger and learn to live this world as a man. It’s been really hard to deal with, because I’ve cut off our hair which was a lot for Bella, and I’m trying to give her grace because it’s a huge change for everyone; but I’m so eager to be out. To my friends and family I’ve come out as gender fluid, a safe way for us to just be, even though gender fluid is still accurate to us, but me(Blake) I want to be on T, I want top surgery; the dysphoria has been very intense but I am not making any decisions while untreated in whatever this is. Bella doesn’t want any of that, but a hypothetical compromise that we’ve been thinking about is a breast reduction to start, to ease the mind.
Now when I look back at the past 11-12 years, I see all three of them out and about disguised as each other without realizing. There’s this one song I remember listening to on repeat non stop and idk why it just felt right it sounded right I loved it I needed to listen to it. Now, go listen to Satellites by Sleeping with sirens, think about alters waking up/trying to be known or whatever, like Jesus fuck it’s so obvious to me everything just makes sense (ik that sounds like a stretch but there’s more in my head that relates to that feeling I just can’t put it into words)
I’ve also been dealing with breaking down the walls of expectations. I have never allowed myself to be upset or have quarrels due to feeling like an inconvenience, I believe this has a lot to do with it as well.
Oh and the 4th potential alter is either someone just chillin in the background observing, or the “higher self” version of myself I was talking about. I really can’t tell.
I know there’s so much more I didn’t add but I’m deffo not doing the best rn so my brain can’t remember everything. Anyways, I’m not looking for a diagnosis obviously, but I just wanna hear what it sounds like. Because it feels like a personality disorder of some sort even tho idk wtf that’s supposed to feel like lol, so does it sound like one? I guess is what I’m really asking. Anyways, thanks for reading. Regardless of a response it is nice to get this off my chest aha. It also might be all over the place if so I apologize I think I’m currently manic? Yes I have been talking with my therapist about this, she’s not specialized in this stuff so she can only help so much, I’ve been tryna push my doctor to get me a psych referral to which he says there’s no psychiatrist in my area that are really taking any clients rn. He also sat there and told me I wasn’t dealing with mania and started listening of symptoms that I deal with that he had yet to even ask me about. I was already heated going in there because I knew I was going to have to fight for what I needed. Well the funny part is, the psychiatrist I went in there wanting a referral to; that I thought my therapist recommended me, was not an actual recommendation of a psychiatrist, but of a book of resources for me to look at, but I was manic and not there and I was literally so bent on needing help and needing a psych referral that my brain heard the authors name and was like “okay time to go to the doctor”. And then I had to admit to the doctors receptionist that I was indeed manic when I came in and that i didn’t know what I was talking about which was embarrassing and then I actually heard concern in her voice, rather than dismissal, which should’ve been comforting, but it just pissed me off lol. Anyways, sorry I’m done now lol 😂

I tried this shit about 2 years ago. Started popping adderall at 16, tried Xanax and opiates probably around 17, and starting mixing Addie’s/meth pills and fake percs. The cycle started as I loved the energy I got from adderall and I felt like it wouldn’t mess me up bad(as we all probably kinda tell ourselves before we would admit addicted). Then the anxiety kicked in after popping them 4-5 days a week on average( some more, some less depended on $$), so I tried Xanax to sleep cause I got tired of being so awake. Then I realized Xanax is a bad expensive addiction that makes you forget, and I got a hold of fenty 30s. I knew they were fake and I didn’t overdose on em but instantly loved them. It was all I looked forward to. I’m a smart guy(or at least was), and I have many skills I was pursuing. I’d have 50k in my bank right now if not more if it wasn’t for addiction. Once I tried hard after being addicted to powder and doing it all the time my plug said he only had hard. I’d never ever think or want to do that shit, I used to despise the shit just cause it’s crack so I wouldn’t touch it sober. I was doing 1-3.5gs a day powder everyday for 6 months and it’s all he had so I said fuck it, got a ball off the bat. I had bad technique, didn’t really get the full potential but still was INSTANTLY addicted, even more then the powder cocaine I was doing everyday. I’d smoke all my shit, then be like yea I’m done with this. Next day it calls me back and I do it. I went to rehab and was clean for over 6 months. Its crazy how fast life goes when you smoke hard cause I I don’t remember why and when I did it again, but it’s been a couple months already in a blink and I’ve already spent 3k if not more. I don’t do it everyday, but when I do I fiend and do a LOT dropping 300-500 on a Friday. I always can’t handle getting sober,but I always crave and go right back. love y’all‼️ we need to get well soon. Seen someone say it on here and it makes so much sense if you know the depth on this, but the coolest part about crack is quitting crack. Stay smooth my people

Fear of becoming well-informed acquaintances
My fear is that by the slaying my fantasy, what remains after the dust settles are just two well informed acquaintances. External supporters. Who once had tickets to the interior world of the other. Unique friends that stay in touch purely for that sake. A loose honoring of a transient connection that was deep and profound for at least me and I'd imagine in some ways you.
And in reality, I'm not sure there is much control either of us have in that progression.
Today
I am still in love with you. I just can no longer hold that balloon 🎈 with hope for more. I know I am a dreamer, an unlikely idealist, but you surely have seen the realist in me too. It was always the impossible yet unshakeable fantasy of us that I maintained in not so secret that kept my hope alive.
On Hope and you
The odd thing is? I think you liked the hope, in ways you'd likely never admit. And that's why my fantasy wasn't as objectionable to you. I don't blame you.
Hope has a weightlessness to it, a free floating buoyancy to it that makes you feel lighter for having encountered it. I know, I was addicted to it. I fed off its dopamine. God I loved it when you played along. It was the sweetest fall deeper into it, when you engaged, measured outwardly by my smiles, my enthusiasm, my eyes.
Our precarious perch
All hope is seeded in fantasy. But it will always be a dream until it can move something in reality.
Our hope's buoyancy is dependent solely on my fantasy? I know I desperately wanted your actions to feed my hope. And sometimes they did. Then I would feel weightless and it was beautiful when it happened. It was scary though how I much I wanted from it. I couldn't micro-dose on it like you.
The clumsy dance was like getting into a pool , where you dipped a toe, maybe sat at the edge, while I tried to nonchalantly pull you into the deep end. I often wondered how uncomfortable I made you.
If given too much hope? Momentary bliss resulted- an unsustainable perfect bubble. But if I got drunk, you'd get sober.
Like that Sunday. I suffered a dopamine/reality crash amplified by your measured pull back. I didn't want the high to end. I didn't want to acknowledge that it meant so much to me, the feeding of my fantasy. In the end maybe I wasn't so alone in the pool, just alone in the deep end, where my fantasies lived.
Fragile hope will always crash to the earth, violently if overdosed on reality.
The following Saturday I asked too many questions. I pushed too hard. I popped my own hope's balloon. Fantasy leaked out slowly, my hope's helium. Each fantasy molecule bonded with each little hope supported, and together they dissipated in reality's inhospitable air. I could have hung on. Made a patch to the hole. But I was alone in the creation and care of this hope, and it felt my job to manage and mourn its demise.
To arbitrate the loss. To control this one thing, to kill a fantasy of us that had naturally become so dependent on your actions, your expressions of care for its meaning.
Even if fantasy's death could not make me fall out of love with you, deflating hope to an ephemeral context could break my addictive cycle.
It helped me see you more clearly, suddenly aware how painfully one-sided we were. How something casual and convenient was becoming far too important source of sustenance to me.
Also, it was unfair to you that nurturing hope was the sole source of my joy with you. Unspoken in its expectation, it became the lens through which I viewed my experience of knowing you. In some ways I only saw you through it, and each added detail, each input, was added to hope's balloon. When I could enrich the fantasy with elements of our shared reality, hope only grew.
There is something to be said that so far in, nothing you shared weighed or tamped my feelings down. The knowing of you only grew my feelings and hope in equal measure.
In the absence of hope, I just know you. And you know me. We are two souls who crossed paths and touched each other. Enough of an impact, we keep knowing. Hopefully we keep sharing. And I guess, I will stay in love, without hope. What is that? A willingness to hibernate? To forsake the positive feel-good outputs of the highs, in exchange for never feeling the lows? But even in its persistence, even in my refusal to let go completely I have managed to join you in reality.
A dose of reality. A twinge of regret.
It is true I have so much more feeling, stronger feelings, because I believed in fantasy. Or at least allowed it to fan my hope. The simplicity of fantasy hinged on a mutuality that has died. And we slayed that together, Saturday, May 10, 2024 on your kitchen counter. You were kind and consistent. And I really think you should reconsider finding a younger woman who could make you a father. You'd be really amazing.
Somedays though I wish I had stopped asking questions, stopped pressing for clarification, and instead asked for a band-aid. Hope was a very weightless place, and I love you from a heavier, albeit more grounded place now. Hope for more's loss is felt deeper than I expected. Whether in front of you, away from you, in the absence of thoughts of you, and in the flat reality of today.
Still I am glad I learned this lesson from you, with you. It was important one. And in my own naïveté, one I am certain could have hurt more with someone else.
Hope supported only by one person's fantasy, even if partially and sporadically reciprocated, will grow so big and mean so much- to only that one person.
I'm grateful for the bright, colorful, sweet and quiet togetherness of our moments all the same. And I know I didn't experience them alone. I just assigned them a relevance outsized for what they were.
I enjoyed sharing my hope with you. I know that you could not resist borrowing from it some days. I hope it made you feel lighter.
But its absence, it brings a new fear. Who are we to each other now? Maybe the answer is the same for you. But mine? It requires some introspection. But my fear? Well-informed acquaintances? Doesn't quite respect the love I still feel for you. Or the remaining hope that managed to survive, still clinging to my memories of shared experiences.
I am painfully aware that to truly know you is to love you. Why else would one work so hard to break down your walls if not for love. Then again, maybe if you had loved me, the walls would have crumbled automatically. I will never know, but I do know that I can feel them building back up. I don't know without hope if I'll have the effort to climb them. I know that I've committed to, but will you even want me to?
I hope we can be something more than acquaintances to each other. In the end. Whatever and whenever that is. But I do know you will get out whatever you put in. That's how balanced friendships work, right? Maybe I will finally know my worth in your eyes after all.
References
Hope for more: A terribly intoxicating hope born from our connection, everything we had shared and learned of each other, our vulnerabilities- mine effusive, yours rarer, our mutual feelings and what I assumed was mutual attraction. Fantasy: An ego fueled fuzzy dream where somehow like a Disney or Hallmark movie we rewrite our dreadful origin and something real results. Something that is as close to a real love as I've ever experienced. I'm unsure what the fantasy really was- Just that you felt the same and we acknowledged it. Maybe even broke our own rules for it. Allowed ourselves to be changed by it

I’ve had a really rough anxious and panicked 3 months of nonstop anxiety, existential crisis ocd, and obsessing over the dream-like state since March.
It’s like visual snow, floaters, and just a more dimmed life and it freaks me out so much like my vision is pulsating, I’m just disconnected from everything. I’m on fluoxetine and lamictal and I’m still just a mess. I did therapy for six months and I just spiraled into more madness towards the end.
The visual symptoms makes me want to rush anything and everything I do as I just want to go to bed at night and close my eyes and hope i wake up back to normal and it never happens. At this point, how can I just accept these visual disturbances? How do you guys do it?

An associate of mine recently committed suicide. He was a Master Sergeant in the United States Air Force. On November 28, 2022, he went onto the Langley AFB in Hampton, Virginia and hung himself. When I heard of the sad news, I was in shock and disbelief and I was devastated! I hadn’t seen or heard from him in about four or five years but we had a history together. I cared for him as a friend.
I was an Air Force wife for about ten years. In 2011, my ex-husband and I had gotten stationed at Langley Air Force Base, in Hampton, Virginia. About four years later, in 2015, we met the Montalvos. We all hung out a few times, whether it was a movie, going out to eat or inviting them to cookouts at our home. I remember how Master Sergeant Octavio Montalvo used to always have me laughing so hard, every time we all hung out together. He had an animated way of describing situations and sharing how he would respond in those situations. He kept us laughing. These are bitter-sweet memories now because he’s gone in one of the worse ways imaginable! I heard of the situation leading up to his suicide and, the way he responded to it is, by no means, a laughing matter (at all)!
Suicide is a pain that never goes away! When we kill ourselves, we may escape our pain but we transfer it to everyone we leave behind, who is connected to us. The pain of loss that he escaped was transferred to his parents, wife, son, younger brother, sister and other close family members, as well as close and distant friends. As I stated earlier, I hadn’t spoken with Octavio in about four or five years and when I heard what happened, I broke down crying and then I wept. I wept for days afterward. I kept thinking to myself, “Not him! I can’t believe it. Not Montalvo!” I could’ve believed it to be anybody BUT…him! I remembered him as the happy, funny jokester. But life — one of the worst parts of life — got ahold of him and wouldn’t let go. So he let go. And he left behind a lot of broken hearts. What he did hurt people that he never thought it would hurt. It affected people that he didn’t believe cared. Over a month later, I shed tears as I wrote this blog about him. It still hurts. I hurt for him. I still keep thinking, “There’s no do-overs. He’s not coming back. It’s over”. And that’s so very, very, very, very sad to me!
We never know who we affect with our permanent absence from this earth. The lies in our head tell us that no one cares about us and that those we care about will be better off without us. I couldn’t tell Montalvo, but I want to take the opportunity to tell any suicidal person who reads this, to give it one more day! ONE MORE DAY! PLEASE! — ONE. MORE. DAY! I can promise you that time makes a difference! I’ve been there myself. I’ve lived the extremely reckless life, not caring and hoping to die. I’ve strongly desired to just fall asleep and not wake up again. I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights. And I’ve woken up crying, many times, with tears streaming down the sides of my face before I could even open my eyes from my sleep. I’ve overdosed. I’ve raced down the road going close to 100 miles per hour, beating the steering wheel and wanting to die. I’ve tried to buy a gun to blow my brains out. And I’ve tried to hang myself too — but the door broke. I wrestled with suicidal ideations and attempts for about twenty years. All I needed was one more day.
Tomorrow came and it didn’t get better. So, I needed one more day! The next day came and things were worse! So, I needed one more day! MY GOD!!!! I needed one more day! I wouldn’t be here, living a better life, had I succeeded in any of my suicidal attempts. I wouldn’t be here as a living testimony to the goodness that one more day brings. Somebody needs me! Somebody needs the hope of my life story. Somebody needs you too and they need the hope of your life story!
Oftentimes, it gets WAY worse, before it gets better. And that’s the truth! But, what’s also true is that, when it gets worse, it means that it’s about to get better! Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week or next year. But, I can guarantee you one thing: with Jesus, it has no choice but to get better! I’m remembering a quote from a prison inmate I used to correspond with. He said, “Tough times don’t last; tough people do”. You’re stronger than you think! You’ve been through worse! Everything you’ve been through has made you stronger … TOUGHER!
The Lord God, Yahweh, is training you for a battle that’s only suited for the best! You’re chosen and destined for a greatness that no one can fulfill like YOU can fulfill it! It’s like the Marines. Not just anyone can join and make it through the Marine Corp (or any other military branch)! You have to have GRIT! You have to be tough. And it starts with training the MIND! You’ve come way too far in life — in the training — to give up now! There is no turning back. So you may as well put another foot forward and take one more step. Rest, if you must, but don’t give up! Because it gets a whole lot better and, when life is at its hardest, that means a rest-break is right around the corner! You’re not as weak as you were when you first started. You have core strength now. Look back over your life and see how far you’ve come. You’ve said that you couldn’t make it before but you did! Your resume says that you’re a survivor. One of the few. One of the proud! Give it one more day because suicide is not the answer. Suicide is actually the pain that never goes away!
— NaTarsha Harris

I have bipolar 1. I used to be completely stable on meds. I had a good job that I didn’t struggle to keep, I had financial freedom, my social life was thriving, I was happy, and I was mania and depression free for the most part.
But then I got this new fancy psychiatrist who claimed to specialize in bipolar and schizophrenia. I thought, well if I’m successful now and I have this disorder then I better get the best treatment money can buy before this illness fucking sabotages everything I’ve built.
New psych disregarded our entire intake and after talking to me for 15 mins about my life, he said there’s no need for an intake because there’s nothing wrong with me— I’m too successful to be bipolar or have any mental illness. He told me his “real” bipolar patients can’t hold down a job or maintain relationships, like I can. And there’s no way I’m bipolar. He even called his “real” BP patients “crazy”.
I was on 400mg lamictal and 400mg seroquel. He told me to completely discontinue the meds, cold turkey. This seemed like bad advice, but he insisted I’d be fine cold turkey quitting since I’m not really bipolar.
I listened to him. I wanted him to be right because I don’t want to have this disorder…So, when I went off my meds, I destroyed what I built (which was what I was avoiding in the first place). Wound up in the hospital for 45 days! Lost my job. Ended up in extreme debt. Had to move in with my parents. Basically my whole life fell apart.
It’s been a bit over a year since this happened, and I honestly still haven’t picked up the pieces. I haven’t been able to hold down a job and get out of debt. My personal life is a mess too.
I’ve tried SO hard, but I’m stuck in a cycle of mania and depression. I just want to feel stable like I did before all this happened. Then I could turn my life back around and build back up to where I was before… maybe even surpass where I was before… But I keep having episodes. Which makes it near impossible to live well.
If I had never taken his advice, wow… I’d be a different person. I wish I never listened to him. But it’s too late. I do want justice at this point, though.
If you were me, would you consider sue’ing for malpractice?

Hey!
I am not a writer but I have a lot of fic ideas over the years I’d love to see written and I don’t really know about how to ask so I’m just gonna leave this here and hope someone picks one up :)
They’re a bit detailed and definitely LWJ centred because I honestly just want to see him in the hurt or dead position and WWX crying or worrying over him, because I feel like every other fic is WWX in some bad situation and LWJ worried out his mind and I want to change it up a bit.
I understand this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and if so just PLEASE SCROLL! I’m sensitive
I want to make it clear that I love WWX and do not want him made out as an asshole just misguided and sometimes a bit of an ass but anyway:
1) Hanahaki + Wei Ying’s issues
WWX have been married for years but WWX still struggles with the fact that he doesn’t think he deserves LWJ’s love. This causes him to one day distance from him thinking LWJ would get bored and leave him so he can find someone better. LWJ believes his husband doesn’t love him anymore and develops hanahaki. He doesn’t tel WWX bc he doesn’t want WWX to carry that guilt since WWX doesn’t love him and he believes even if it isn’t with him WWX deserves happiness. Plus WWX doesn’t love him anymore so he’ll be fine. WWX is distancing from LWJ so he doesn’t notice until one night when WWX is out at the bunny hill. He falls asleep there and LWJ comes to find him and ends up sleeping next to him. WWX wakes up in the middle of the night to coughing and convulsing but doesn’t realise what going on until LWJ goes still. He finds LWJ dead with flowers next to him and realises his husband died thinking he didn’t love him. He screams while holding LZ, crying for him to wake up and telling him how much he loves him while kissing him frantically. He’s so distraught, apologising and begging over and over, he doesn’t see LWJ starts stirring. His grief and love was strong enough for the flower to shrink (voodoo magical BS but happy ending nonetheless unless you wanna be really evil and just stop at his “death”) LWJ wakes up and WWX just holds him all night crying and telling him how much he loves him. The next morning they have a serious talk about what happened and it takes a while but LWJ eventually understands that WY really does love him, if his clinginess for the next months wasn’t enough.
2) Modern!WX are happily married but it’s not as it seems. They live each other and are happy with their relationship but LZ isn’t happy. He’s depressed severely so. Always has been since his mothers death and isolation as a child until he met WY. He never allowed himself to focus on it, focusing his attention on WY his reckless husband. Used to being taken care of by LZ, WY doesn’t even realise how much his husband struggles mentally and LZ prefers to keep it that way. He takes anti-depressants but refuses to go to therapy or talk abt it to anyone. One day he feels like the pills aren’t working. He takes more and more and ends up accidentally overdosing. WY was on call with him when he collapsed at their home and, scared bc his husband wasn’t answering, he rushed to their home. He gets there only to find LZ on the floor. He doesn’t realise he’s not breathing until he’s holding him and LZ won’t answer no matter how hard he cries. He does CPR after calling 911 and is a desperate, crying mess too devastated to question why LZ is in this state until paramedics take over CPR and he’s forced to sit and watch as they try to revive his husband. LZ makes it and WY refuses to leave him alone, crying over how close he was to losing him. Seeing WY like this made him realise how his lack of communication and care affected him. He promises to work on it with WY.
WX spies AU.
WWX is an agent, top of his field and LZ is his handletech, who guides him on missions and support. They’ve know each other for over a decade and been a couple for half that. WWX trusts no one like he does LZ but still goes off book at times which scares and annoys LZ a lot. WWX always brushes it off as doing what needs to be done even if it means ignoring LZ’s instructions at times. He also has a lot of enemies. One day a bomb threats called in and WWX is named by the perpetrator. He has to go to the seen but find the bomb is a fake and only alter saying he’ll lose what he loves most. He realises what’s happening and dashes to his and Wangji’s apartment but is too late. Wangji is shot and dies in WWX’s arms but WWX isn’t giving up so easily. He does CPR over and over for almost 10 minutes, desperately and begging LZ to breathe and come back. He realises just how scared LZ must have been all those times he put himself in danger and promises to never be reckless again and listen to him if he just wakes up. Eventually he’s taken to the agency ambulance. After 4 hours WWX is told he survived bc of his CPR. Xue Yang had baited WWX with the bomb. He knows how protective WWX is of him and decided to use it against him. The entire thing traumatised WWX to the point where he doesn’t leave LZ alone for a month and gets anxious when LZ doesn’t answer him immediately. He also doesn’t do anything remotely reckless, honouring his promise from that day. He wouldn’t wish what he went through on his worst enemy.
4) Necromancer WWX resurrects his dead boyfriend LWJ after a brutal night hunt by burying him in the dirt. It’s pretty depressing for a while but gets fluffy bc LWJ is t dead for long! This isn’t much detail at all because I really don’t know how to

Hi everyone,
So my dog (3 yr old terrier mix, 5kg, spayed, no previous health issues) started dry heaving the other night around 3am. She seemed fine after and went back to bed.
The next morning at around 9:30 she was excited to go for her walk. She got her treat that she always gets after her harness is put on. She threw up the treat with some bile, but seemed ok otherwise.
She was totally normal and happy on the walk. Didn’t pick anything up as far as we’re aware.
Got back and she was enthusiastic about eating. Husband fed her a smaller amount than normal since her tummy seemed to be bothering her. She ate but left some on her lick mat, which is totally unlike her.
Then immediately after, she went to lay down. Husband told me she was acting weird (I slept in so I wasn’t aware of all this until he woke me up) and when I checked on her she looked really bad. She was breathing using her abdominal muscles and was extremely lethargic so we took her to the emergency vet once I got dressed. During this point she had a little sneezing fit.
Tried to get her to walk to the car but she could barely stand up. On the way to the vet she starts sneezing again which is when I noticed her tongue was pale and tinted blue. I’m kicking myself for not checking her gums when I noticed her breathing was off, but I guess it would’ve only sped the process up of us getting her there by a couple of minutes.
Anyway, we got there and they took her to the back for triage. The vet came back and told us her blood pressure was low, temperature was low, pulse was weak, kidney and liver levels were slightly elevated, and her lactate level was at 7.
Did chest and abdominal x rays. Chest showed her heart was slightly small. Abdomen looked fine. Redid x rays and hour later. Abdomen was still fine and heart looked slightly bigger.
They got her blood pressure and temp up slightly. Brought her to see me because I was so worried and she looked better. She was jumping up on me and giving me kisses (her tongue felt cold which I guess makes sense).
We called poison control in case I dropped a pill. They said Lamictal (which I took at 10pm the prior night) had a moderate chance of causing those symptoms. However, I’m confident she didn’t get one because I use a pill organizer and ALWAYS take Lamictal first (idk why but it’s just something I do).
The vet just kept saying that she looked like she was in shock but didn’t know what was wrong. She said if it was anaphylactic shock she most likely would’ve been vomiting more but she never vomited her food.
They keep her overnight. Her vitals were back to normal but her liver enzyme levels were higher than the previous night. I’m going to her normal vet this week to get bloodwork repeated. They said if this happens again then she’s going to have to go to a specialist.
Her behavior is completely back to normal and she’s happy as can be, as if she didn’t almost die the other day.
Can anyone come up with other reasons a dog can go into shock? Could she have picked something up during the morning walk (husband assures me this didn’t happen, but she is sneaky so I wouldn’t blame him for not noticing) and the vomiting wasn’t related? Did she pick something up during the night walk and didn’t have a full reaction until the next morning?
I don’t know what I’m even trying to ask. I’m just going crazy because I haven’t been able to get answers. I’m so f-ing scared this is going to happen again when I’m not around or during the middle of the night when I’m asleep.
If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them. Thank you in advance.

You are my favorite drug,
I overdose on you with every word and touch…
No matter how close to death you bring me,
I'd pick that poison again and again…
The rush of you through my veins,
My world freezes like a still shot photo….
A lifetime of use
Or just a taste,
Never enough…
Bring me close to this life or the next…
A journey with you in my blood,
Is all I could ever seek…
A vice you are to me…
Squeezing me empty,
Filling my own cup…
Stuck in between and inside of you…
Mind and body,
Torn and made anew…
Light me like I dream of lighting you…
We can find a drug in each other's breath…
Abuse me and this flesh I wear…
Take what is yours,
Take what is offered,
Take from me everything I have…
A trade of you and I,
A taste is all I ask…
A moment of our time,
Turned into forever in a glass…
Let's sip on each other atlast…
Written by, E.T.J.M.F
Dedicated to, M.L.M, my favorite drug.

Hi everyone, sorry if this is the wrong tag but idk what this could be classified under. I told this story to my work colleague and he suggested I come here to tell my situation because I have no clue what to do. As explained by the title, my uncle died just a couple of days ago in Eden, North Carolina completely out of the blue and I believe his wife murdered him. I want to preface that I was not present during any of these events and this is just what I have been hearing from my mom, memaw, and my other uncle. My uncle that died and his wife are living in my memaw's house and my other uncle lives there too. My uncle had been complaining about crippling stomach pain for the past year or so but whenever he would go to the doctor, they wouldn't find anything physically wrong in his stomach, intestines, nothing. It got so bad that he started the process to get disability and according to my Memaw, he only had a few weeks until his first paycheck would have been sent to him. My uncle's wife has never worked a day in her life because they got married right after she turned 18 and she's been a SAHM/W ever since. She has tried to get on disability and apply for social security, however has been denied because, well, she's not disabled and she's never worked. However she was told that she could get my uncle's social security if he died. (Red flag). Anyway. The night before my uncle was found dead, he and his wife got into an argument over a brisket being cooked. His wife was yelling at my uncle because 'she wanted to cook it' but he started cooking it because 'it expired yesterday and we didn't spend money on a big piece of meat just for you to let it go bad in the fridge so I'm cooking it'. They kept arguing until my uncle stormed out of the house to the shed in the backyard and while his wife says she didn't follow him out, none of the people in the house can say she was in the house after he left, but they didn't see her leave either. That morning his wife wakes up and, according to her, 'thought (my uncle) might still be in the shed' (Red flag, why is that your first thought?) She walks to the shed and he is slumped over, blue and purple in the face. She proceeds to WALK back into the house and just holler at the top of her lungs "THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS DEAD!" to the MOTHER and BROTHER of the deceased. IDK about you, but my first reaction to seeing my dead husband would be "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" not some tella-novella rehearsed BS. Anyway. The police arrive to the scene and the first thing she says to the police is "He died from a heroin overdose". ????? That to me raised all kinds of red flags. How does she know? Where is the evidence? Where is the injection point? WHY are you saying this to police when "The love of your life" could have been murdered or had a heart attack or something? Now they aren't going to take this seriously and will just chalk it up to "Another dead druggie". The wife then proceeds to disappear after the police arrive and this is when my mom and I were called. In the time it took my mom and I to get to my memaw's house, the wife proceeds to post a video onto facebook about how my uncle is dead. I managed to record it before it got taken down and I can link the video if necessary however essentially the video starts off with her straight faced talking at the camera asking the passenger in the vehicle who is her DAUGHTER "How do I know if I'm going? (recording) I don't know if I'm going. Ugh. Hello everyone..." And then her face freaking contorts into the fakest cry ever as she starts screaming that my uncle died that morning and she doesn't know what to do and starts begging for people to help HER. Not a single tear is shed in the whole video and my cousin looks like she's thinking "wtf?" At the whole display. After the video, she proceeds to log in to my uncle's FB account and starts posting how he died and is begging people to donate to her cash app because "We need flowers and the car insurance is due". She then starts commenting on posts offering condolences, still logged in to my uncle's FB account making it all about her and how "She can't sleep or eat I miss my husband", but then she immediately starts trying to sell his clothes and work boots on marketplace! For added information, his wife is a huge drug addict. She constantly complains she's in pain and can't do anything just so she can go to the emergency room and get pain pills. She's currently on suboxone because SHE does heroin and miraculously her suboxone got 'stolen' the day my uncle was found dead. The only substances my uncle did were weed and redbulls, and even then he had stopped drinking redbulls and started drinking more water. When he had moved in with my memaw, he was 125(ish) pounds. At the time of his death, he had gained almost 25 pounds. my uncle was getting healthier and suddenly he's found dead in a shed by his wife after an argument about him cooking something she wanted to fix him and her first reaction is to play the grieving, heartbroken wife of an overdose victim (Which she is now saying he OD'd on purpose) who had never done heroin in his life and now she is using his death for pitty money and trying to sell his belongings before the body has even been released from Raleigh. As far as I know, we're getting an autopsy report but I'm just afraid that because of his wife saying he died of an overdose they aren't going to take the autopsy seriously and since his daughters don't want to bury him and want him cremated if he was murdered then his wife is going to get away with it because any evidence of wrong doing will be incinerated. Sorry for this long post and my tangents but I just want answers. Is there anything I can do for a murder investigation to take place? Does any of this sound fishy to any of you? LMK if there's any other information you need or if something sounds fishy on my part.