Asain women groped

Been married to her for 19 years I’m 41m and she’s 38f had a really good relationship not a lot of issues She had an eptopic pregnancy back in February wouldnt go to the hospital no matter how much I begged sat in our bathtub for 3 weeks for hours at a time. She has a tubal ligation
The last week she was dealing with it she got laid off her job of 8 years (she worked remotely for a tech company) she got a 3 month severance package.
My stepdaughter her daughter that I raised as my own got put in a psych ward for stalking her b/f she’s 19 and is living with my in-laws she was supposed to go there to go to college
So about mid March I came home from work and she told me she finally had passed the eptopic I was like thank god that evening she had a really bad attitude towards me which I thought was odd like I said we had a pretty good relationship
Got ready for bed and she kept making remarks like she was trying to pick a fight she finally triggered me enough to start arguing with her and she exploded on me just going off about all kinds of things I’ve never heard her go off about and then she said she didn’t love me and wanted a divorce
My natural reaction was upset crying begging asking what the hell was going on ???
So I took a whole week off work to try to work things out with her and we made progress some days and some days she was a whole different person
One day we went out and ate and done some diff things and at like 1:00 she said she wanted to go home and go to bed so we went home I couldn’t sleep like that so I got up after an hour or so she calls my cell phone 30 mins later hollering I need you I ran back in the room and she said she has food poisoning and wanted me to lay in the bed and hold her so I did that for about 3 hours my left shoulder is bad so I had to roll over rest it every few mins soon as I would roll over she would push back and grunt for me to come back so I would I had to get up to make a phone call after 3 hours and I had to wake her up to get my arm back and she shot up like the undertaker and accused me of groping her and feeling her up in her sleep which absolutely shocked me I got angry and told her that not even remotely fair and she needs to give me way more credit Than that. I made my call and tried to talk to her but she was like I get it my bad and didn’t wanna discuss it anymore
Almost a week into it I was talking to her about something and she goes into a seizure it seems like I started panicking trying to get her to respond and she wouldn’t I said ok I’m bringing you to the hospital and she snapped out of it and said no hospital and went back into seizure mode I laid her in our bed and kept trying to talk to her and 30 mins or so goes by and she starts talking like a baby saying “brain no work” can’t her out dis ear” and pointing at her left ear 3 hours go by and she randomly snapped out of it and wants to watch tv.
The next day I said I’m gonna stay here with you and make sure you don’t have another seizure and she said “I think I’d like that”
About midday she got really bitchy and was complaining I was smothering her and to leave her alone I literally brought her food and sat on the foot of the bed while she ate.
The rest of that week was up and down and I came home on a Thursday to find her crying in the bed she said Buddha and Anubis came to her today and told her she was on borrowed time and she needed to make arrangements for the afterlife I tried to get some kind of logic out of her and talk to her and it was like talking to a wall. She said I just wanna cook dinner eat and watch tv together and I said ok and for that night she was my normal wife again the woman I married 19 years ago Went to work the next day kinda nervous she was gonna hurt herself trying to prove this Buddha and Anubis stuff I tried to text her as much as I could thru the day at work trying to make her laugh and smile so maybe I could keep her happy She was good with it till around noonish and she flipped and went into straight demon mode saying some really hateful things stuff she’s never said to me since I’ve known her I kept trying be funny and avoiding the negative I got home and I walked thru the door and she was in our bed and I could tell by the look in her eyes she was someone else. She said everything last night was fake forced and I don’t love you and I want a divorce.
I went outside to clear my head I came back and told her I loved her I didn’t want a divorce and that I would do whatever I could to make this work and she had a look of shock on her face like she wanted me to get angry or something and she said so what your saying is that I’m selfish ? I said no and repeated myself
She said I need space I said ok I’ll sleep in our rv tonight
I couldn’t sleep that night I started researching that eptopic cause I knew nothing about them found out some really shocking things about how serious they were with internal bleeding etc. I went in the house woke her up and told her she was going to the hospital non negotiable Got to the hospital and she said let me speak for myself at the desk I said ok she got to the desk and told them what was going on the nurse said are you bleeding or having pain ? And she said no he made me come and pointed at me and I’m standing there like a jackass. They put us in a room to wait for the doctor and she starts shaking her arms by her chest like she’s having a seizure I said are you ok? And she was like these machines and beeping it’s triggering my trauma and my autism I said it’s never done that before and she said I hid it cause I didn’t wanna be judged but I’m not hiding my autism anymore and I’m like you’ve never been diagonised autistic Doctor comes in and said she’s not pregnant but she needs to go to an ob ASAP and get checked because it’s very dangerous as he was discharging us she looked at me and said I ain’t goin to no ob
We were walking back to the truck and she starts cursing me out and was like I predicated this months ago the dead ppl and spirits that talk to me showed me this timeline months ago I finally was at my limit I snapped I said if you predicated this why didn’t you say this months ago ???? I said you know what I’m gonna go jump in traffic because that makes more sense than anything you’ve said the past week and she starts crying and freaking out which made me feel terrible so I calmed myself down
We fought and argued the whole way home I begged her to see a Counsler or something my work offers free Counseling for us and our families so she said she would call one
It was a sat and my daughter asked to go to her friends house after we woke up and I was like yep I gotta get away from here
I told my daughter she’s 16 in the truck I was worried about her mom and she was acting weird and she didn’t even let me finish and she was like dad I know she’s crazy she’s saying weird stuff and being mean and sleeping all the time I was like well at least I’m not the only one seeing it.
My daughter decided she was gonna stay at her friends overnight so I avoided coming home the whole day I came home grabbed my pillow and went back to the rv
About 6 in the morning my daughter texted me asking for me to come get her so I got her she had walked a mile from these ppls house and I was in a panic I asked what happened ? And she said the girls parents left them alone most of the night and they started drinking and and smoking weed and she is not supposed to do that and she wanted to get away from it and come home I said well at least I raised you right.
I came home and told my wife what happened and I said if something like that affected her that negative could you imagine what a divorce would do? And she was like she will be fine she’s strong. Made me really disgusted at her the way she acted
The wife said I’m going to the store I said ok she was gone for a few hours and came back and said she wanted to go talk I said ok
She said she got a counseling call lined up for the next day on Monday and she went to the Buddhist temple to pray and buddha came to her and told her she is to talk to her counselor tomorrow and make a decision by wed if she was staying or leaving and she needs to be more selfish.
I said what’s your plan for leaving ? You going to your parents ? And she said hell no I’ll never go to that toxic ass place and be around them especially my dad cause he molested me when I was a kid She said I’m gonna get a place and I said how ? No job. No vehicle and no money ? She said I got friends from school I said what friends ? I’ve never met them and she refuses to make any friends and the ones she gets she finds ways to ghost them she said it was from before I met you I said so your going to show up at someone’s house you haven’t spoken with for 20 years with no vehicle , no job , and no money talking about Buddha told you to leave your husband ? She’s like I’ll figure it out so that night I got a recording of her talking about Buddha and ghosts and doctors can’t help her and it’s gods will and all that
I tried to go to work the next morning and had a panic attack in the office I played the recording for my boss and said I don’t know what to do here they got the counseling ppl on the phone and they wanted to send a crisis unit to the house I said wait she’s talking to your counselors today can you get a message to her that she’s showing this behavior and maybe just have her watch for it and make suggestions as needed ? She won’t listen to me but maybe she will listen to her and they said yea I’ll get a message to her now.
I stopped at the local mental hospital and spoke with a doctor and played the recording and told him the story she said she sounded like she was in psychosis and she needs help he said try to get her to come voluntarily I can get a involuntary hold I told him about the phone counseler and he said that’s a good idea don’t go home till you know she’s done I said ok
Well that damn counseler told her I called and tried to get her to say my wife’s was crazy and she needs to change her emergency contact or leave cause I would try to have her committed
So I basically walked into the thunderdome when I got home she’s like I’m going to my parents cursing me and everything else I called 911 but they wouldn’t do anything cause the coroner is who makes the decision on emergency commitments so she left.
She claimed her mom was bipolar I mentioned this to her sister when she came to get her and her sister said that is an lie
My daughter refused to go with her I talked to her after she left and explained why did that and she said yea she’s crazy she said she was divorcing you because a Ghost told her you had affair with a 17 year old girl for 3 years I said well that’s a new one And she said you neglected her while she was having the eptopic and I said I begged her to go the hospital she said I know but she said mom said you should have sat on the floor and held her hand the whole time I said ok
She’s been at her parents the last two months she’s had some Contact with me she’s made up some pretty outlandish stories and said she’s the happiest she’s ever been she says she’s not coming home cause I called 911 on her and I’m not a safe person to be Around and I said so your safer being around the man you claim molested you ? And I’m unsafe because I was scared you would harm yourself ?
She’s basically dropped any parental responsibility she’s had and won’t come see her daughter she tried to use the no vehicle excuse I offered to trade my motorcycle for an suv for her and she said she has to have a “specific kind of car”. (Bmw) And she flipped to I can use my moms car anytime I said well you need to see your daughter and I get I don’t have a vehicle Her severance is about run out she thinks she’s got another month but she don’t realize they take taxes and the amount she’s been getting is after taxes She hasn’t even attempted to find a job she has a podcast that 8 ppl download a week she said she’s gonna make a living on that then it went to Im doing marketing for women in motorsports that failed so she said I’m going to law school for 8 years and I’m gonna be a lawyer for women athletes then she said she is starting a non profit and buying her parents house for 400k Now she’s writing a book and selling merch for her podcast
I finally confronted her about the ghost saying I cheated and she said yea I misinterpreted that vision wrong I’m sorry I said so why did you wanna leave ? And she wouldn’t answer me she said I’m just not coming home one day she wants to talk all day long then the next day she gets mad and says we talk too much and we only need to discuss co parenting as needed but she starts the conversation 90% of the time
I bought her a new computer to play fornite with my daughter online and she’s had it a month and yet to mention it to my daughter I got on her ass about it yesterday and she’s been harassing my daughter to play with her all day and now my daughter is like you had make her play with me I’m really not interested now tbh I love my wife dearly and I want her to get help and come home but I have no clue where to start with this I’m hoping she comes out of psychsis soon and maybe I can help bring her back to reality Her family hates me we are interracial and they’ve disliked me since day one I find it amazing she has hated them for 19 hrs and now they are the greatest ppl on earth

Seeking guidance
I am 35, combat veteran, currently married to a woman with a child. Whom I both love.
I was molested by my older brothers friend when I was about 5, not much of a memory besides the act and explaining to police officers what happened.
When I was 11, my friend and I explored each others bodies several times in his farm. We would get naked and hold and grope each other for long periods of time, and I tried to kiss him one time, but he stopped me and said “that would make us gay”. Since then, I knew. I knew I wanted more.
I have told close friends over the years that I’m gay, and always had acceptance but when it came to dating men, I would get nervous and bail. Then I’d get back into dating women. During the relationships I’d always wonder “what if” as far as it came to coming out as gay, and then it would turn into gay porn addiction and reaching out to other females for validation, and talking with men sexually. So every relationship ended because of that.
Before my wife and I started dating, I was her “GBF” and she convinced me to come out on social media as gay, and it felt so good, but then we got feelings for each other and as the years went in, her acceptance of my attraction to men got to the point that “if you are attracted to men, gay.. bi, whatever, then I can’t be with you” so now I’m really needing to avoid it.
My life long dilemma is, am I gay and just afraid of the uncertainty and fear that it’s not what I truly want?

I am 35, combat veteran, currently married to a woman with a child. Whom I both love.
I was molested by my older brothers friend when I was about 5, not much of a memory besides the act and explaining to police officers what happened.
When I was 11, my friend and I explored each others bodies several times in his farm. We would get naked and hold and grope each other for long periods of time, and I tried to kiss him one time, but he stopped me and said “that would make us gay”. Since then, I knew. I knew I wanted more.
I have told close friends over the years that I’m gay, and always had acceptance but when it came to dating men, I would get nervous and bail. Then I’d get back into dating women. During the relationships I’d always wonder “what if” as far as it came to coming out as gay, and then it would turn into gay porn addiction and reaching out to other females for validation, and talking with men sexually. So every relationship ended because of that.
Before my wife and I started dating, I was her “GBF” and she convinced me to come out on social media as gay, and it felt so good, but then we got feelings for each other and as the years went in, her acceptance of my attraction to men got to the point that “if you are attracted to men, gay.. bi, whatever, then I can’t be with you” so now I’m really needing to avoid it.
My life long dilemma is, am I gay and just afraid of the uncertainty and fear that it’s not what I truly want?

They only don’t do it because they’re afraid of consequences. They don’t find it naturally wrong to violate women’s and girls consent. They’re not against rape because it’s actually wrong to do. That’s why they complain about metoo and false rape accusations more than actual rape.
People think women are irrational for picking the bear over random men or being afraid of walking alone at night because it’s mainly men who we know who end up assaulting us. But predation is run by opportunity. Its easier to have that opportunity when they get close enough of a friend for us to get drunk with them at that party. For them to ignore our no when we’re married because it’s their right to have sex with their wife. When a pos man becomes a father to groom his daughter. When a creepy uncle has his alone time with a kid because he’s family and will be protected. Then these predatory men get the time and luck as of finding a prostitute on the street to kidnap or a woman on the bus to grope.

These events took place in Mexico. The company is a Tech Company in California, where I also live.
A year ago I went on a trip to Mexico for an annual work outing where people are meant to socialize and show off their projects, etc.
While I was there, I witnessed one of the founders grope a coworker directly next to me. It was disgusting. The following evening, I myself was touched without consent by the man who owns the company. He told me he wanted to dance with me to show I was included. I am the only transgender employee at my company.
There were witnesses, upper management ran up to me after and literally said "that looked bad". I've heard stories from other women on that trip as well.
I'm trying to get a new job now because they're refusing to give me a raise, and I want to sue for what I experienced on the way out if I have grounds to do so. I am worried that the events happening in Mexico may complicate things, and I'm also not even sure that what I experienced myself was technically sexual assault/battery.
I was touched around my hips and waist, I verbally said no to him, and he dragged me to a dance floor where he put his hands on me to pick me up and twirl me around. I fought him and ran off after, and he apologized profusely for the rest of the trip. It felt like a CYA move.
Do I have any basis to sue for what I witnessed and what I personally experienced on a work trip to another country?
I am also afraid that if I do try to sue for this they will retaliate in some way. A counter suit, character assassination, or tech industry blackballing.
I don't know what to do.
EDIT: For more information, following this I was extremely distressed. I had to take more than a month off work, during which I received medical attention. I have mentioned this incident and its consequences in therapy many times. It had a tangible negative impact on my subjective well being and my ability to work.

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My first and defining relationship was with an older woman when I was 21. She was 37. I was attracted to her boldness and it was exciting to be around her at first. She was a heroin addict, and one day she was in the bed nodding off and I said I have to go and I left. I had sort of decided to break it off with her . Then a note came in my mail box...a letter which said in ransom note cut out newspaper lettering...I will take you from rags right through to stitches. I got scared and wondered who it was.i called her up and asked her. She didn't confirm or deny and seemed amused. She then offered to share some heroin with me if I ever wanted some. Even though I was freaked out something drew me back and I called her. We shared the heroin. Over the next few weeks she displayed odd behaviours like kicking me in public, verbal put downs and flirting in front of me with other men. I was too inexperienced to walk away.i got sucked into it and the sex and intimacy made me fall in love. She became pregnant three months later. Because my father had killed himself when I was eight, I decided I needed to be a good father to my child so I embraced the idea. I was a talented songwriter and musician and as the relationship started so did my career in the town. During her pregnancy she had moments of violence, such as threatening me with a baseball bat,hitting me over the head with a phone and literally clinging onto me as I tried to leave and held on until I fell over exhausted. Despite these outbursts we also had moments of bliss preparing the house for the child. She had the child, a son and I embraced fatherhood. She was highly strung and jealous of my female friends, and by this point I had become addicted to painkillers after the heroin ran out. She could be calm and loving one moment and suddenly snap and become frightening and intimidating the next. Certain events like Christmas or Easter she would invariably snap and make a scene and I would cop the physical or verbal abuse. It was a strange time where we were raising a child and there were moments of bliss but also terror and confusion. Things went on like this for years until I finally had to get away. During this time she made it difficult to see my son. We got back together on and off but it would end when she would snap and I felt threatened. I made a final break after a bleeding stomach ulcer from my addiction to painkillers during which she kicked me while I lay on the floor for her to call and ambulance. I nearly died and was so scared I left town. During this time she made threats to harm our son and I was so worried. I didn't want to abandon my son but I had to be away from her. Eventually I went to rehab in another city and sorted out my issues properly. During this time she became a meth user and became neglectful and abusive to our son and psychotic and violent to her brother and others. My son came to visit me shortly after I completed the year long stint in rehab and my friends convinced me to keep him with me, despite me feeling powerless to do so. It was a hard few years but my son and I lived together and I was sober and healthy and while it wasn't perfect I'm proud I was able to give my son some refuge from her abuse and a good sober father figure in his early teen years. I went to court and obtained a parenting order.i took out DVO's against her to protect me and our son. He attended a wedding where she was there and despite me doing everything to ensure his protection and safety ( it was his half sisters wedding, my ex's daughter - he really wanted to go) she tried to grab him and ended up choking him with his tie and caused a huge scene at the wedding.i felt so guilty when I found out because I had let him down again. Unfortunately the parenting order stated he still see his mum, and she convinced him to stay with her one visit and there was nothing I could do. He was 16 by this point. I was devastated.But one year later he called me crying saying she had threatened him again. I decided to move back to hometown so he could live with me and finish school. It was a difficult time and I met a co worker who we became romantically involved, but she had alcohol issues and drank herself to death within two years of us falling in love. Meanwhile my son finished school and I see my ex now on the street and feel no more fear. This is enormous because for twenty years I was petrified of her. My son is now 21 and is in strife now ...he went to a party and hooked up with a girl , he thought it was consensual and it didn't go beyond kissing and light groping. The next day her friend convinced her it was sexual assault and the cops were called. My son is facing serious charges. This has been so devastating and stressful.he is handling it well enough but I'm concerned about the stress the prolonged trial will have on him. I am now 44 and feel like I've been robbed of the last twenty years, my prime years, by a woman who terrorized me and seriously abused our son. It still angers and enrages me , disappoints me, saddens me, I feel so guilty for what my poor son has been through. She is now an alcoholic and her health is severely affected. I no longer feel she is going to kill me one day which is what I thought for twenty years. She has mellowed in her age. But there is always that 'what if' in the back of my mind. I also feel robbed of a chance at my true calling which is music.i still achieved things but my time and energy was spent dancing around my son's mother's abusive behaviours. And living in response to them. I don't feel like I've ever been in control of my life. I realise now I can finally be free. I still worry about my son but I can't rescue him now he is an adult. This feels strange. It has been my main purpose for so long. And now I am just in disbelief at all the events of my life. And wondering where to go next , what to do. I'm absolutely terrified of women now. I'm so tuned in to noticing any red flags and any sign of even slight manipulation or potential for abusiveness sends me into panic mode. I hope to have a normal life someday, a normal relationship, and some happiness. I still find it so hard to forgive his mother for what she did to our son. And I feel so much guilt for letting him down. Does anyone have any advice on processing all of these feelings and moving on from this sort of thing? Any resources or wisdom. Thanks for reading.

I'm sure you're all sick of this topic, but I want to take a different approach and discuss it from a different angle by looking at Spike's actions, particularly towards women, and specifically those he's romantically or sexually involved with, pre-Seeing Red, because I think it's an important aspect of the debate not talked about enough. I've seen a lot of people talk about how much they hate that scene because it intentionally butchered Spike's character, but I respectfully disagree.
In School Hard when Joyce protects Buffy with an axe, he screams 'Women!' with rage, implying a hatred for the gender. Echoed later in Crush, when he once more screams at Buffy, Drusilla, and Harmony, 'What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?'. He obviously also chains Buffy and Dru up, threatens to kill them or have one kill the other, and has a shrine of Buffy with photographs, her clothing, etc in this very same episode.
Then there's the Buffybot which is essentially a sex slave who he posessively tells 'You're mine, Buffy' (that sense of ownership over her is therefore present as early as mid S5) and has sex with in public which is already a huge violation. She exists because he cannot get what he wants from Buffy, and a sex robot allows him to force himself upon her without consequence. Of course there's the incessant stalking of Buffy throughout early S5, plus his groping of her in Triangle when she falls and tries to get back up to help the victims of Olaf.
In The Initiative, Spike intends to bite Willow but fails. This encounter is played for laughs, with an impotence joke that is admittedly both clever and funny. But if you look closely, the scene is explicitly nonconsensual and framed a lot like a rape attempt. The way he turns the music up so nobody will hear her scream, throwing her down on the bed as she wrestles to get away, nevermind how vampire biting is a sexual metaphor (or just vampirism itself as inherently sexual) in the show.
In Dead Things, he forces Buffy to have sex with him on the balcony and look down on her friends having fun, telling her she 'belongs in the dark' with him. In Wrecked when she wants to leave and check on Dawn after staying out all night, he forces her to stay by holding her in a headlock and prattling off insults until she, once more, gives in.
Every time Buffy says 'no', it somehow turns into a 'yes'. He regularly coerces her into staying or sleeping with him. There are obviously times Buffy is the one to initiate, and I'm not saying that she's completely innocent in their relationship (though her behaviour is understandable considering how depressed and traumatised she is), but every other instance is of Spike wanting sex and her saying no/pushing him away until she gives in. He cannot, and does not, take no for an answer. Repeatedly. In Touched, Buffy says to Spike 'you really have a problem with that word don't you?', and she's right. The only reason he doesn't go through with the rape is because Buffy stops him.
The rejection of Cecily. Nowhere near as terrible as his other behaviour with women, but it's obvious he harbours resentment for her. I know it's intended to garner sympathy for him, but it just shows that he can't handle rejection well nor can he take a hint. He felt he deserved her simply by virtue of desiring her, and the fact she doesn't return his love emasculates him. The same can be said in his pursuit of Buffy.
His entire relationship with Harmony who doesn't have a soul either, but whom he abuses repeatedly. She even says 'I don't know why I let you treat me this way'. He uses her for sex, but doesn't like Buffy doing the same to him. He 'loves syphillis more than her'. Yes, there are moments like the breadbox game or whatever where they seem on good terms, but most of the time he treats her like shit. Even him making her dress up as Buffy while they have sex is icky.
Without getting into the semantics of the soul, Spike obviously treated the women in his life horrendously, both emotionally and physically. He's a misogynistic prick for the bulk of the show's run. Liking Joyce or protecting Dawn does not erase that fact. Their womanhood is not what makes him feel that way towards them, and they are the only two outliers in his treatment of women throughout pretty much all of his other interactions with the opposite sex.
So whether you wish the scene existed or not, it absolutely was in character for S6 Spike. It's a horrible, unnecessarily long scene that I wish had never happened either for a multitude of reasons, but it would be illogical to act like the attempted rape was left-field when the entire show up to this point reminds you that Spike is an evil, obsessive creep who equates sex with violence (look at his relationship with Dru! His plan to get her back in Lover's Walk is to 'tie her up and torture her until she loves me again').
This isn't me saying you have to dislike Spike or Spuffy, just that regardless of how you feel about him as a character or that ship, when you look at his relationships with/attitude towards women, the actions of Seeing Red, as abhorrent as they were, make nothing but sense and it never changed anything that we didn't already know about the core of his character at that point in the series. To quote Spike himself, 'And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!'
EDIT: The misogyny of Spike is often overlooked, and that's why I wanted to bring it up. People rightfully call out the sexism perpertuated by the likes of Xander, Riley, Warren, etc. but Spike's name is rarely, if ever, brought up despite being one of his most consistent characteristics. Perhaps it's because he's souless until S7 and so his being a demon is what explains his misogynistic tendencies for most, but I think it's something William likely possessed too albeit in a far less violent way (a guess based on what Angel says about the vampire being like the human in Doppelgangland). Whether or not he had a soul, these are things that Spike did on screen from the moment we met him until the beginning of S7 (and even in the second episode, Beneath You, in an attempt to throw her off the scent, he taunts Buffy about the assault - it's still something he's capable of, regardless of his guilt) and therefore 'in character'. If he treats women this way for the 4-5 seasons that precede Seeing Red, that's surely a pattern of behaviour, no?
I love Spike in the earlier seasons, but it's things like the aforementioned that make him less likeable to me as the series goes on. I do however think Spike is an incredibly complex character, and one that James makes fascinating to watch, but this is a more unsavoury aspect of that complex character and something I believe worthy of acknowledgment to fully understand and appreciate him, as well as his growth/arc.

I'm not transgender! I just wish that my value and worth wasn't attached to how attractive I am.
I hate that the only thing someone has ever praised me is for my appearance. I've been on both sides of the ugly/pretty coin and It's a night and day difference. People are not kind to women that don't conform.
I have no self worth anymore. The little that I do have is all tied to my appearance. Now I'm so terrified of not being beautiful because I know I'll be discarded and abandoned by society AGAIN once I become old.
I wish I didn't have to shave and wax and pluck every piece of hair in order to not be seen as some hairy freak. I'm human too dammit, having hair is natural! I HATE DOING MAKEUP, but not having it on instantly makes me worth less as a woman because people only care about how attractive I am. Ugly women are basically treated as sub-human.
I wish I didn't have to deal with periods, cramps, or getting pregnant, and menopause and PMS or fighting my doctor to get medication that makes me sick to my stomach to avoid all of that! I hate that my entire existence boils down to being a human incubator to my family and the world.
I wish my coworkers would stop treating me like I'm some piece of meat they can touch and grope and harass. I wish I could be upset and express my emotions of anger without being seen as "hormonal" or be allowed to express my objections to the mistreatment without being called a "bitch who can't take a joke" and I HATE being constantly hit on by people that just want to have sex with me and don't see me as person with thoughts and feelings.
I hate that growing up I was constantly being told "that's for boys, you can't like that" "what are you, a BOY?" "why don't you like girly things?" "you can't do that, that's only for boys!" and that all of my interests were shamed and ridiculed, and now I still feel that shame for enjoying the things that I like today! I hate that my brother shared the same interests and he was always supported and encouraged to pursue them.
I hate that every gift I received as a child was makeup, babies, barbies, dresses or things to validate my womanhood and nothing to support who I was as a person. Because no one cared who I was as a person. They only cared that I was wearing pink.
I hate that because most of my hobbies and interests have mostly men interested in them, and because I live in a very small town, it's hard to make friends with women who like the same things as me! I can't form friendships with the men with the same interests as me because they don't want friendship, they either want to date me or have sex with me!
I wish I didn't have to deal with a bunch of nasty, disgusting, perverted, older men CONSTANTLY lusting after me as a teenager and being told "Well, you're just at that age that guys can't help themselves" I was literally still a child!
I HATE having to hide my kindness from others because If I'm ever too friendly with men they start to flirt and think I'm hitting on them. I keep seeing this shit online about how "men are never complimented, men need compliments more. Men really appreciate them" well why can't men take a compliments without being FUCKING DISGUSTING IN RETURN!
I hate that I can't feel safe. I know that the world isn't safe for anyone. But growing up as a woman you're told over and over it's not safe BECAUSE you are a woman.
You are a woman, no matter what you wear or don't wear, your clothing will make you unsafe.
You are a woman, no matter where you go you will be unsafe.
You are a woman, you won't be safe no matter who you are with.
It's not like these things aren't true for most people. I just hate that woman are told that it's because they are women that they will be targeted. Why do we train women to be this way? My brother didn't go through this psychological conditioning, so why did I have to?
Why does being a woman inherently mean I must be scared and in pain?
I must suffer for beauty. I must suffer for becoming an adult woman, I must suffer to have children. Life is already painful enough for everyone! It just feels like there are a million micro-tortures that make life as a woman harder than it needs to be!
And don't get me started on how uncomfortable and impractical women's clothing is designed to be because I could write a fracking NOVEL about that garbage.
There are so many things I could add to this list but it's already long enough. This is just my experience as a white woman in a 1st world country. There are a million other things that different women have to deal with that I have never had to go through!
TL;DR: People only care about my appearance and not who I am as a person. If I was a man at least I could be more comfortable and also pee standing up.
P.S: I realize that everyone has their own problems in life. Me having mine doesn't mean that yours aren't just as valid. I hope if you read this that you live a wonderful life.

TW: SA
First of all: happy pride month! Second of all: #NotAllStraightWomen
For 14 years I've been active in various feminist organisations, forums, book circles and the likes and it's become more and more difficult to contain my frustrations about the discrepancy between the lip service many feminists pay to intersectionality and their actual behaviour.
In university we had a committee to improve equality on campus, it was sorely needed. 3/4 of the university were inaccessible for people with mobility issues, racism absolutely rampant, barely any accommodations for people with disabilities available and the list went on. However the only topic ever tackled was inclusive language and only when it came to (cis)women. Everyone else was important and super valid of course, but shit out of luck.
Me too happened, and I was definitely having a big aha moment. It felt so liberating and validating to talk about the sexually inappropriate behaviour we've been subjected to...at the hands of men. What I didn't feel comfortable talking about with my straight feminist friends was how (mostly straight) women treated me and other queer people.
When I was 19 I came out as bisexual. At first I was terrified that straight women might feel threatened by me or perceive as a predator, but very soon I felt myself feeling more like the prey. No matter how many times I told them I wasn't interested the comments about wanting to "experiment" and "adding some spice" to their relationship just wouldn't stop. Some of my taken friends would relentlessly flirt with me, touch me more, suddenly hang out with me only wearing underwear. I've been touched inappropriately and kissed against my will so many times I stopped counting. My no's often went unheard or were met with aggression, like I should feel grateful that "they'd make an exception for me". If it were men I'd call it sexual harassment, but since the people doing it were women I just feel like I can't claim that. Yes, it felt violating and dehumanising, but they weren't stronger, more powerful and I didn't fear for my life, it's not the same.
I understand when women vent about their bad experiences with men it's not the right time to say "Women did that to me too", but I do think we need to make more space for people who have been victimised by women. It can feel incredibly alienating hearing other women talk about objectification, abuse, violence, exploitation, sexual harassment, entitlement and assault like it's only an inherent male-female dynamic and the rest are just outliers unworthy of consideration. Even if we're just statistical noise we're still people, a lot of us women, who often don't dare to speak up. Most lesbians I know have been in horribly abusive relationships, quite a few raped by female partners, a surprising amount of men I have close relationships with have been touched inappropriately by older women when they were minors or beaten by their girlfriends as adults. Are people in my close circle just horribly unlucky or are there more female perpetrators than we'd like to believe?
Sometimes I can't help but get angry thinking that a lot of women who complain about these things being done to them have probably done the same thing to others and didn't think twice about it. I've seen it too many times. Far too many people think that being oppressed, victimised or wronged in one dynamic they're incapable of being the perpetrator in a different dynamic.
Groping gay men isn't okay even if it's your hen do. Treating sapphics like disposable sex toys for your self discovery or bedroom adventure with your male partner is not okay. Being dismissive towards trans people talking about their experiences with transphobia is not okay. Treating bisexual and trans men like they're inherently less masculine is not okay. No, not wanting to have sex with your man child is not asexuality. If you excuse and happily date, marry and have children with bigots as long as they're not bigoted against you your allyship is bad and you should feel bad. And please for the love of all that's holy stop saying you wish you were gay like gay women have it so easy.
Unfortunately I've seen my fair share of racism, trans- and a lot of other queerphobia, classism and ableism in sub and whilst it's officially against the rules and we don't support it a lot of the time the people who bring it up are being down voted and dismissed. We still have a long way to go and I urge every woman on here to please listen to other marginalised people and their issues the way you'd like men to listen to you when you talk about women's issues.
And to everyone else who has felt alienated in feminist spaces I'd love to hear your stories and concerns. I hope we can all be better one day!

Is it common for women to be harassed and groped and catcalled on a regular basis everytime they go outside for a walk, or to the mall (Al Galleria Mall)?

Ive been taking the big girl step to go to therapy and process trauma around the abusive culture against women within the blk community.
I never directly mentioned to the therapist that these things are racial i just mention cultural norms that have caused me trauma as a girl growing up. Now my therapist tells me that people often seek for things to fulfill their beliefs aka the self fulfilling prophecy. Once you were put trough something traumatic you start to look for things to justify the fear associated with those events. However, it is a statistical fact that bw are abused at high rated in their communities… am i looking for things or are my thoughts and feelings a response to the actual reality…
A personal story
A while ago i traveled to the black Caribbean place together with my parents, family friends and their daughters whom were all friend of mine. We all originate from that place even tho i and the other girls were not born there. It is a beautiful island and we all tought it would be nice to go together. Well i was in for a huge culture shock because the girls and i were harassed in front of our fathers on multiple occasion, being catcalled and even slapped on the behind and groped in the chest with our family members right there! It was a cultural shock for me because

1. My mother always made sure to raise me out of proximity of blk communities as much as possible. She did not agree with how girls were treated and wanted to protect her daughter.
   
2. She was however married to a bm ( my father) who was more involved with the community especially the blk church communities, so i was exposed to the blk community and its disfunction enough to cause some trauma just from the occasional predatory behavior alone.
   
3. I saw that the behavior we dealt with over there happened to girls and women constantly.
   
4. After leaving that place i had a strong sense of survivor’s guilt because atleast i could leave that place and go back home where i was not surrounded by these males and a culture that facilitates and normalized that harmful, predatory behavior.. other girl were stuck there😣.
   

Going to the “ home island” was very confronting for me and the other girls. We witnessed and experienced firsthand how unsafe girls and women are in that place. And it was not what we thought it would be at all!
On the way back home from that vacation i was having a conversation with the other girls and we discussed how overwhelmed we were with the constant predatory behavior and how betrayed we felt that our fathers did not protect us at all. I was never groped, only catcalled but the lack of action from my father felt like betrayal. The most this man did was try to guide me away while trying to stay cool with the bros🙄.like they were on code and the code is to never overtly defend a female against a fellow bm even if she is your actual daughter!!!!. 😤 it makes me angry. The other fathers did not even respond when their daughters got groped. It was impossible to look at them the same way after that. It was depressing. What black women and girls deal with, within our “ culture” is extreme and abnormal. Going to a therapist over here who does not understand the context and has a different experience is staring to feel … counterproductive almost. A therapist should not operate from a place of relatability but it feels like gaslighting when im told that most of my fears are because of my personal experiences and that the world is not actually that dangerous of a place when it comes to men.. but when every other women and girl in my family, friendgroup and community has the same experience…. When girls come together in silence to express how unsafe we feel and the common denominator in our experiences is….. Then is it a self fulfilling prophecy? Or is it truly a reality.
How do y’all deal with being told that it is basically all in your head? And ofcourse im asking other bw so perhaps this too, is me looking for a “self fulfilling prophecy”.
Therapy was suppose to help so then why do i feel gaslight. Its frustrating.

My (40F) boyfriend (40M) and I have been together for a year and a half. He has a friend who we will call Ken (58M). My boyfriend describes Ken as “kind of a weirdo” and says “just try not to get offended, it’s just how Ken is” quite often.
As far as I have seen, this manifests in long rants about “stupid democrats” and lots of “jokes” about women.
The other day I needed a ride home from my boyfriend’s house, and my boyfriend agreed to take me. He then made plans without prediscussing with me, for Ken to pick us up, and they would drop me off at my house on their way to go to the sportsman’s store.
I told him I didn’t really like this, but I said I didn’t want to make waves. So I agreed.
As soon as I opened Ken’s car door he said in a loud voice “get in the back with cattle bitch” while laughing jovially. I played it off by laughing uncomfortably.
Ken said it twice more along the ride. Specific remarks about it me “belonging in the back with the cattle.”
Then Ken talked about how stupid white women are and they are ruining the world. I again tried to laugh along and play it off as jokes. Even though he kept saying “I’m NOT joking.” And then Ken mentioned that he is “excited to almost be 60, so I can be the creepy old man who gropes all the young ladies and gets away with it.” Again, with lots laughter and chummy “it’s just a joke” energy on both Ken and my boyfriend’s part.
After I got home, I waited until the next day and sent this via text message:
“Hey, just wanted to let you know I don’t really want to be around Ken okay? Not mad. I just really don’t like it. So if you make plans with him, I can bow out or whatever, I don’t mind at all. I’d just prefer to not be around him ok? It’s hard for me and it’s a me thing. If it’s a transportation issue or a thing like what happened on Saturday, I have no issue making my own arrangements. Thank you. Luv ya”
I got no reply. So I sent this:
“Maybe you don’t want to deal with it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I wouldn’t know without any communication. No biggie. I’ll just make sure when I come over when I have my own means of transport. Love ya. Hope you have a good week ❤️”
That was 3 days ago.
Today in an argument over text, I mentioned the Ken incident and how my boyfriend handled it and then completely ignored my request boundary after.
Here are his text replies:
“You should try lightening up a bit you'll be happier you don't have to constantly be I'm a ahhhhhhhhh this and that and this and that is affecting me all day long”
“You'll be happier dude”
“Really the woman jokes affect you that much that you are so put out it affects your life and what you do?”
“Try not working about it cause guess what you don't have to and then you know what it's nothing”
So I need some feedback. I’m too blinded by my feelings for this person to be able to see this straight. Am I too sensitive? Was my request unreasonable, or was it too passive aggressive? Do I need to lighten up?
TLDR: my boyfriend says I need to lighten up and be less sensitive, and “take a joke” better. I feel like I am justified in not finding his friend’s jokes very funny.
Edited for maximum anonymity

TLDR: Reviews are wildly split and weirdly conflicting. Can’t tell what might account for the differences. Any insight?
Trying to decide if I want to attend a concert in July at The Ritz. Reviews on Google and Trip Advisor are wildly conflicting. It’s as if all of these folks went to 2 completely different venues. Like basic facts aren’t even the same. And the differences are not one-offs. Differences can’t be explained by band personality or music type. I’ve never seen such clearly split reviews—even around the same time frame. So weird.
One class of review says the sound is awful, the place is gross, security is terrible (mean, unhelpful, rude), they let teens and women be assaulted and groped by other concert-goers, they charge for water, it’s super hot (even in the winter), there are no snacks, wait to get in took forever, lines weren’t managed, etc.
The other class of review says it was the best venue ever, staff is wonderful, security does a great job, bathrooms are clean & well-stocked, they have free water stations, temperature is comfortable, there was free popcorn, lines moved quickly, etc.
Anyone know why ?

As a woman with ADHD and ASD, I'm very aware of difficulties ALL individuals with ASD face. However, a piece of my sould burns everytime ableism is combined with sexist and misogynist ideas to constantly excuse to the behaviour of creepy men who happen to also be autistic. The combination of «boys will be boys», «men have needs» and «he doesnt know any better, he has autism...» is the perfect recipe to perpetrate the perception that all ASD men are creeps because those that happen to be creeps are never held accountable or their behaviour corrected. I know that from experience.
I've been groped, sexually harrassed and been demeaned as a woman with borderline incel BS by other ASD men and the excuse either from themselve or caregiver would nearly always end with « he has autism...». To be clear those individuals are not creepy because they are autistic. They just happen to be creeps and assholes with autism.
Morally, It's unfair and insulting to all us of with ASD who are desent and respectfull of everyone. The majority of us, who would never dream of hurting someone else, easpecially because an overwhelming majority of us have been bullied, harassed and discriminated agaisnt because of ASD. Furthermore, it insulting to the intelect. These men with ASD who harrass, demean and make women (with or without ASD) feel unsafe and disrespected are much smarter and aware of their behaviour then ableist mentality gives them credit for. They 100% can learn and correct their behaviour, they just choose not to. Because these men, who happen to have ASD, are just as misogynistic and entitled as any NT men who acts the same way. Their sexist entitlment just happens to use ASD as a perverse sheild to avoid accountability because they know that abelism will allow them to get away with it.
I just had to vent, because I've been made to feel unsafe so many times that I now struggle to perceive other ASD men (outside of my friend group) as potential creeps.

Part Four: The Forge of Darkness
Chapter 16
Location: On the way to the next Azathanai settlement.
POV: Arathan
Draconus and Arathan are riding side by side. Draconus is trying to impart some of his wisdom to his son. He says belief is like an iron stake set into the ground. As long as the ground remains firm, nothing can move it. Arathan doesn't respond and Draconus says that all fathers fail to give their wisdom to their children. It is the nature of youth. Arathan says he has no beliefs, no anchor, and can be blown about by the wind. Draconus says he believes Arathan seeks his mother. Arathan says he can't seek what he doesn't know. Draconus responds that he will still try and if he finds what he seeks he will be disappointed. Thus he will have learned nothing from his father. Arathan asks why he sent her away. Draconus says out of love. Arathan responds that that makes no sense and that Draconus has no wisdom to give. His father asks if this is how he baited Sagander. Arathan says he never baited him. Draconus says every word is a weapon to Arathan and it worked on Sagander since he thought Arathan no more than a child. But if he continues with real people, he'll be known as dissembling and treacherous. Arathan says he doesn't dissemble. Draconus responds that when he pretends to not understand the wounds he delivers it is dissembling. Arathan asks if he always sends away those he loves.
Draconus cuts him off and continues to talk about belief. Saying that it creates goals and you can spend your life fulfilling those, and still end up in the same place, old and broken. He says he's trying to warn Arathan. He thinks strife is coming and will go beyond the borders of Kurald Galain. He says Mother Dark was also young when he gave her his gift and she is on a path of belief that makes her think the direction is forward. Arathan asks if he gives love as his gift and then steps back to see if the recipient is worthy. Draconus says his gift wasn't love, but power. Arathan responds that power should never be given. A gift becomes an expectation. Draconus says the gifts he gives he seems to carve from his own flesh. Arathan says the wisdom he has gained from his father wasn't the wisdom intended and that is indeed a precious gift. Draconus says he begins to pity Sagander and not because of the leg. Arathan said Sagander's iron stakes were set long ago. He will never change. Draconus says Arathan is quick to judge. Arathan says he expects to never see Sagander again. Draconus wonders if he has wronged the tutor as Arathan is not easy company.
Draconus points out a house. It seemed to Arathan to not have been there before. He asks if it was conjured. Draconus says more like suggested. Arathan says that belief seems to be more important than discussed. Draconus responds that he never said belief didn't have power, just dubious charms and it reinforces intractability. Arathan surmises that belief is required for sorcery, so sorcery cannot be examined too closely or it wouldn't exist. Draconus tells Arathan, ‘With each day, son, I see you grow more formidable.’ Arathan is startled by this and regrets his brutal words to his father as if he knew anything about love. All he understood was possession and he regrets treating Feren the way he did. He says he but flails with weapons too large to hold. Draconus says they all do.
A man climbs out of the window of the house. Not much older than Arathan. His clothes are bloodstained. Father and son dismount and approach the house. The Azathanai comes forward and wears a mocking smile for Draconus. Arathan fantasizes about punching that smile off of his face. The Azathanai snaps his gaze to Arathan and asks if he wouldn't rather kiss it off of him. Draconus tells his son to yield nothing to this man. The ground shifts beneath him. Errastas says that his gift is ready. Draconus says he didn't know it would be him who made it. He wants whatever binds them together to be done with. He says hand it over. Draconus asks about the blood stains. Errastas says making the gift was difficult. Draconus says it shouldn't require blood. Arathan senses the growing tension and decides he does not like Errastas. Errastas holds out a small black disc slightly larger than his palm and says, ‘Behold, Suzerain, the folding of Night.’ Draconus demands it. Errastas asks if he understands the precedent of this object and that maybe he is blinded by love. Draconus grabs the disc out of his hand.
Errastas says Draconus requesting and him making this object will change things. ‘Our kin who kneel before the Azath, and so make deities of insensate stone, will find new assurance in what they worship, because like it or not, we have made true their faith. Power will find those places now.' Draconus asks if the gift is singular. Errastas says yes. Draconus says if he has deceived him, he will hunt him down. Errastas says he hasn't made anymore. The ordeal was too great. Draconus looks up and understands. At that moment Errastas disappears. Wounded Draconus says 'Karish'.
Arathan tells him his gift to Mother Dark is soaked in blood and Errastas enjoyed it and likes the power that comes from it. He will do it again. Draconus says Mother Dark will make the gift pure. Once it unfolds it will scour that poison from it. Arathan comments that he's not going to tell her the cost of the gift is he. Draconus asks if Arathan will hold this truth over him. Arathan shakes his head. He says Kurald Galain, Mother Dark, and his father are not for him. He would scrub the secret from his mind if he could and if Errastas could read his thoughts now, he might have cause to fear. Draconus tells him he is not ready to hunt Errastas. Someone else does, but he doesn't know who. Arathan doesn't trust this answer and wants to know who lived in that house. He would know more of Errastas's psychology. Draconus tells him to leave it. Arathan asks if he will lie to the Lord of Hate as well. Draconus mounts his horse and doesn't answer. Arathan follows.
Arathan's image of his father now shrinks in his mind. He broke the women he loved and feared getting broken by Mother Dark. He was only her consort. He built an army of Houseblades and is now beset on all sides by enemies. He did not give Mother Dark a gift of love, but one of power. He didn't understand love as well as Arathan thought. Arathan wonders if his father had loved Karish once and if the blood of one lover would feed another. In the days past he would have rode beside his father and spoken to him. Now he just wanted to be alone. He thinks about Feren and how she will raise their child. If he was older or his father wasn't so formidable, he would have defied him. He vows to one day return to Feren and find a world for their child that did not feed on blood.
Location: Close to the Jaghut city Omtose Phelack.
POV: Korya
As they make their way to the city, Haut does his best to avoid the towers that may be inhabited. There was no evidence of industry, or farming, or manufacture. Korya isn't sure how these Jaghut had survived. Korya is exhausted. Haut continues to walk and makes no effort to engage Korya. He heads straight for a square tower, so Korya assumes it must be uninhabited. She longs for Kurald Galain. Haut tells Korya they will sleep in the tower as there will be rain. Korya looks up at the cloudless sky. Haut asks if she will doubt him in all things. She says, ‘I trust, that was rhetorical.’ He points to what appears to be a dead tree and says that's ilbarea and for Korya to gather it's leaves. She asks why. He says, ‘I see that you are in discomfort and ill-humour and so would remedy that. Not as much for your sake as for mine, since I have no desire to dodge barbs all night.’ She says they are questions, not barbs. She says she thought they were hunting murderers, but instead they just walk and walk and get nowhere.
She tells him the leaves will make a wretched tea. He says yes it would. He tells her there is wood behind the tower and to build a fire. He has wine. He says she will thank him for it once her mood improves. She tells him not to hold his breath. He says he gave her too much shelter and she can't thrive in the wild. She says this isn't wild. It's collapsed civilization. He agrees. She asks if he would argue with a woman. He says she is correct she is a child no longer. She wanted to dislike him, but she couldn't. They continue their debate on civilization. She is surprised to see new shoots of leaves on the tree. They looked just as dead as the rest of the tree. She says the tree is ridiculous. Haut says death is it's disguise. She says, 'I wonder, if I am to be a mahybe, a vessel to be filled, why fill it with mundane tasks and seething frustration?’ He says he wants her to have basic skills in this world. She goes behind the tower to gather the wood and finds a deep hole. She's not sure what it's for, but grabs the wood and starts a fire. Haut pulls out 3 goblets and sets them down in a row.
Korya hears a sound from the tower and sees a Jaghut standing in the doorway. He was taller than Haut and had an old and savage scar diagonally across his face. He wore only a loincloth that did not cover all of his manhood. The newcomer says he kills trespassers. Haut responds, ‘We shall warn any who come near. Korya Delath, this is Varandas. I thought he was dead.’ Varandas responds, 'Hoped, I'm sure.' Varandas sees death in their fire. Haut tells him to join them for a drink. Varandas says Korya is too young to drink. Haut says, ‘She has known wine from her mother’s tit.’ Haut tells him to open the bottle. He asks if Haut's hands are still so useless. Korya snorts. Varandas says that's the laugh of a woman. Haut tells him that she is Tiste and could be a thousand years old and he wouldn't know it. He may be useless with his hands, but he points out Varandas's stupidity. Varandas responds that he wrote a treatise about his stupidity, but that no one has read it.
He pours the three goblets to their rims. Haut asks why. Varandas says so they can marvel at the perfection of his measure. Haut says, '‘I fear Korya was able to gauge that some time ago.’ Verandas says, ‘Oh?’ Haut finishes, ‘Your diaper is too small, Varandas.’ He says that's a matter of opinion and he'll not hide his famous prowess. He tells Korya to drink first. Korya says as far as she knows her mother's tit contained no wine and she isn't responsible for what Haut says. Varandas says her mood is foul. He asks how Haut puts up with it. Haut says he usually hides, but in present circumstances that is difficult. He says he has a solution though and pulls out his pipe. He says ilbarea leaves from Varandas's tree. Varandas says, ‘Oh? I thought it was dead.’
POV: Haut
Haut frowns and picks up the pipe that had fallen from Korya's hand. He sniffs the bowl and his head snaps back. He asks Varandas how long the leaves had been ripening on the vine. Varandas says decades or centuries. He never picks them. He asks Haut why he asks such difficult questions. Does he delight in pointing out his stupidity. It makes him want to fight. Haut says hopefully she wakes up tomorrow refreshed and full of vigor. Varandas says maybe the day after or the day after that. In any case her attitude no longer bothers them, so it's a win. Haut says the bottle is empty and he's no longer hungry. Varandas tells him they must walk to the back of the tower and that they have things to discuss. Haut throws a blanket over Korya as they walk past.
They stand at the edge of the hole and look down into the darkness. Haut says he fears for Hood. Varandas says he fears the precedent, ‘An Azathanai now truly stands apart, and would make a bold claim to godhood.’ Haut asks what is to be done. Varandas says, everyone is asking that except Hood who is chained up by the Lord of Hate. It was deemed an act of compassion. They now all await Hood's word. Varandas says he will listen to Hood and, "give him the openness of my judgement until I can weigh his words.’ Haut says that's honorable and wonders how many more will join Varandas in this. Varandas says a handful. He asks what Haut will do. Haut tells him that Korya is a Mahybe. Varandas says that it is unprecedented and bold. He asks Haut what he thinks of the hole. Haut asks Varandas how he came by it. Varandas has no idea.
Location: An unknown Jaghut tower
POV: Sechul Lath
Errastas is watching Sechul pull rocks from some rubble. Some of them are still blistering hot and he cursed whenever he touched one. Errastas talks about the worship of stone and it's longevity. He was arranging broken slate tiles in stacks. Errastas says that worshippers of stone claimed that the buildings grew by themselves into massive towers. In different places the towers were different. Some of wood like the Tiste would make, some of huts like the Dog-Runners. Sechul rolls aside a large boulder and studies the hole underneath. He continues to make the hole bigger by moving rocks. Errastas says these buildings are called Azath and that is how the Tiste name the Azathanai even though not all of them worship stone. Sechul says Errastas seems to have won the argument. Errastas says, ‘Not even a Jaghut tower could withstand half a hill of earth and rock descending on it.’ Sechul thought of the terrible sorcery Errastas had unleashed. He says this could begin a war. Errastas says he has purpose. Murder may seem like madness, but the table he sets, 'will see multitudes gathering to the feast, dear brother of mine.’ Sechul corrects him and says half-brother. Sechul asks if they will thank him. Errastas says he doesn't care. It only matters that they will feast.
Sechul stands away from the hole and stretches. Errastas goes in and comes out with the crushed body of whatever Jaghut had lived in this tower. Errastas says, ‘I felt his death, like a hand on my cock.’ Sechul looks away in disgust at the sky. He notices that there are no searchers. Errastas says they have time. ‘K’rul gropes. He has not yet seen our faces. He does not yet know his quarry.’ Sechul says he won't welcome K'rul's discovery and that he's already tired of running. Errastas says their flight is about to get more frenzied. Draconus comprehended what he had done at the end of their meeting and he now goes to the Lord of Hate. Errastas wonders if he will confess his role in the first murder. Sechul says that if he doesn't he will make the Lord of Hate his enemy. Errastas says, ‘Do you not relish the thought of those two locked in battle? Mountains would break asunder, and seas rise to inundate half the world.’ Sechul says it's just as likely that they ally and seek out K'rul and then all three will chase them. Errastas says he doesn't think so. The Lord of Hate is unlikely to care about his murdered kin and Draconus has to get back to his precious Mother Dark.
Errastas pushes a piece of slate tile into a wound on the Jaghut's body. ‘There is no ritual beyond repetition and a chosen sequence, yet we deem ritual to be a vital component to sorcery. Well, this new sorcery, that is. Of course, ritual does not create magic – all we do with ritual is comfort ourselves.’ Sechul asks if Errastas can keep hiding them. Errastas says no. They must flee Azathanai and Jaghut lands. Sechul asks if it will go to the Jheck or he Dog-Runners. Not the Thel Akai certainly. Errastas says they must cross the sea so they don't share any borders with the Azathanai. Sechul says, ‘Whither fled Mael? He will not welcome us.’ Errastas says no. Beyond this realm, even. Sechul asks the High Kingdom? Their borders are closed to Azathanai. Errastas says they must find a way to bargain themselves in. There must be good reason why the King is so beloved among his people. Let us make this our next adventure, and discover all the hidden truths of the High Kingdom and its perfect liege.’
Sechul sees Errastas continue to put tiles in the Jaghut's wounds and arcane symbols begin to form on them. He asks Errastas where all that earth and rock came from. Errastas says no idea.
Location: Varandas's Tower
POV: Korya
Korya awakes to the sound of rain on stone in an unfamiliar place with the smell of animals. She struggles to find her memory and sits up. Varandas is at a table working on something. Haut is nowhere to be seen. She finally remembers smoking the leaves and then nothing else. She asks where Haut is. Varandas says out, why? Korya says she will kill him. Varandas says get in line and that Haut meant no harm. She allows that it was a good night's sleep. Varandas says and a day. He muses about oblivion and how some people like it. Korya says she didn't think it possible that Haut was exceptional among the Jaghut, but listening to Varandas she must rethink that. Varandas agrees and asks if Haut had told her why the Lord of Hate is called that. She says no and leaves to pee. On the way out she sees what he is working on and asks what he's doing. He says he's playing with dolls. Why? Korya says she recognizes them. Varandas says, ‘Of course you do. Your master bought a dozen for you the week you came into his care. I make them.’
She begins to cry and rushes out the door. 'Korya lifted her face to the sky. Oh, goddess, they were not your children after all.' At the doorway Varandas says, ‘He deems you his last hope.’ He says Karish's killer set them on the path and Varandas wonders if it was Korya and not Haut. Korya says that no one knows she exists. She's not important. Varandas tells her that being she is the only Tiste to live among the Jaghut that she is the topic of debate among the Jaghut and the Azathanai both. She asks why. Varandas says, ‘He has made a sorcery for you—’ She says who Haut? She is but his made, cook, and slave. Varandas says, no not Haut, Draconus. She says she's never even met him. Varandas says by you I mean the Tiste. Draconus has given the Tiste the sorcery of Darkness. 'They saw the precedent of the Suzerain’s manipulation of power. By the path you were set upon, there at the Spar, you were mocked. Draconus was too patient. Mother Dark is lost within his gift to her. The Tiste are blind to their own power.’ She says she didn't know cooking and cleaning could awaken sorcery.
Varandas says the greatest gift of education is not learning facts, but learning how to live in society in a safe environment. When this is lost, the civilization is in trouble. She says the Jaghut are obsessed with civilization, but you threw it away! He responds, ‘We rejected civilization, but so too we rejected anarchy for its petty belligerence and the weakness of thought it announced. By these decisions, we made ourselves lost and bereft of purpose.’ She says that every Jaghut must live in despair. Varandas says they would if not for the Lord of Hate. She says he's the cause of it all. Varandas says she is right and in so doing took all of their despair and hate and called it his penance. Korya says she does not understand Jaghut.
She asks where Haut is. He tells her he is on the roof watching the battle. She says what battle? He says they can't tell in this rain, but tomorrow Haut will take her to the Lord of Hate. She says, ‘What for? Another lesson in humility?’ He responds, ‘Oh, an interesting thought. Do you think it is possible?’. She frowns and asks if Haut can see down here. She still has to pee. He says no and that he is to blame for boring him with talk of his dolls. He says, 'They please me immensely, you see, and soon I will set them free to find their own way in the world.’ Korya says she locked hers away. Varandas asks why? She shrugs and says maybe to keep watch over her childhood. He says that is a worthy post, but hopefully not forever as we all deserve our freedom eventually. She wondered if he was mad and asked him when he would set his free. He says they need to wake up first. She thinks that he is definitely mad. ‘Skin and flesh, blood and bone,’ Varandas said, ‘sticks and twine, leather and straw are all but traps for a wandering soul. The skill lies in the delicacy of the snare, but every doll is temporary. My art, mahybe, is one of soul-shifting. My latest dolls will seek out a rare, winged rock ape native to the old crags of a desert far to the south. I name this series Nacht.’
She asks what he named the ones he gave to her. He says Bolead, but he thinks he made too many and they were flawed, but creation involves risk. 'what is done is done, and by these words one can dismiss all manner of idiocy and atrocity. I utter the epigraph of tyrants without irony, are you not impressed?’ She says very and moves around the tower out of his sight. A tower erupts almost directly below her. Varandas tells her not to go far. She finally crouches down to pee and another concussion sounds. Varandas tells her to hurry as the argument approaches. She finishes and gets back to the doorway. She heard loud thumping as if a giant was walking up the hill. Haut was at the doorway with Varandas. He had put on his armor and held his axe. A massive shape was coming directly for them. Haut yelled Ware. The figure halts and looks up. Varandas tells the Azathanai that he lives here and has guests and that the Azathanai is not one of them. 'Begone, unless you would see Captain Haut displeased unto violence.’ The figure stopped, but Korya thought she heard sniffles. Varandas tells the Azathanai that he understands it is angry at being forced out of the valley and wounded, but there are plenty of unoccupied towers to unleash it's anger on. The giant shuffles away through the rain.
Korya says, ‘Your name alone scared off a giant who’s been knocking down towers with his fists,’ Haut says her, her fists. Varandas says he will make a fire and that Korya can thank Haut for fending off Kilmandaros. She asks who drove her from the valley? Haut says he should be commended for his courage in twice standing fast before a woman's fury in the last couple of days. As for who forced her out, he thinks they will find out soon. Korya notices something small dart out of the tower like a hare. She asks Haut what it was. Haut sighed. ‘Varandas has been playing with dolls again, hasn’t he?’
POV: Arathan
Arathan and Draconus rode through a city of several Jaghut towers. It began to rain heavily and visibility reduced to mere feet in front of him. He could only barely see his father's form. Hellar slowed down as the ground became treacherous. Arathan fought the desire to slip away and explore this strange place. Ahead he sees Draconus dismount and lead Calaras through the doorway of a tower. He goes to do the same, but as he dismounts he feels a presence nearby. A woman larger than even Grizzin Farl stomps into view. She had no weapons or armor. She reached out to pull the strap of his helm bringing him closer to her. She lifts him in the air and looks at him. Before he begins to choke she puts him down and walks past him into the tower. Neck and back hurting he follows her with his mounts. Draconus looks up. The giant says, ‘Of all your spawn, Suzerain, I sensed no madness in this one. I trust you killed all the others.'
Draconus names her Kilmandaros and says she is far from home. She says no one ever visits for long. She asks if Arathan is awakened. Draconus says no and yes. She comments, 'Then you did not save him for me.' Draconus says they encountered her husband on the way. She says probably her son and his wretched friend too, who did what you asked of him. Draconus turns to Arathan and tells him to build a fire. Draconus says they also encountered her sister in spirit. Kilmandaros says hopefully the Forulkan will determine that they are entitled to Dog-Runner land and then Olar Ethil and her can be at war again. Draconus asks if she would sacrifice her followers. She says what else are they good for. 'Besides, the Forulkan do not worship me. They have made illimitable law their god, even as they suffer its ceaseless corruption at their own hands'. Draconus says that's foolish and ‘I am told that there are Jaghut among the Dog-Runners now, assuming thrones of godhood and tyranny.'
Naked she stalks around Arathan and grabs his crotch from behind. Draconus tells her to stop. She says she knows his desires and would satisfy them. Draconus need not be involved. Draconus says he has words to drive her away. She asks Arathan what he thinks. Arathan tells her she may well be the goddess of love. Kilmandaros says she will have him tonight. Draconus says no. 'His is the longing that afflicts the young. You offer too much and he yearns to be lost.’ Arathan is embarrassed because his father is right. He is an open book to everyone. He vows to himself, 'One day, I will make myself unknown to all. Except Feren, and our child.' Draconus says that Sechul and Errastas have committed murder. She asks him what right he has to make this accusation. Draconus says they killed Karish and found power in her blood and they wear it proudly. He tells her that they used that power to create the gift in his possession. She asks him why he doesn't flee. Hood will blame him as much as the others for his wife's death. Draconus says he will face him at the Tower of Hate. She says he'd better hope the chains hold.
Draconus asks what she will do. She says she must find her son and turn him from this path. Draconus says it is too late. 'even now Errastas weaves a web around K’rul, and the sorcery once given freely to all who would reach for it is now bound in blood.’ She says Sechul and Errastas are poisoned by their father's uselessness. Draconus tells her if she finds them to kill them both. He tells her she has to leave as they cannot stand against her grief. She stands to leave and says she will punch her grief and rage across this valley. When she leaves, Arathan turns to his father and says, I wish you left me at home. As he prepares the evening meal a thought strikes him and he asks, "‘Father? Have Azathanai moved and lived among the Tiste?’ Draconus tells him that Azathanai live wherever they want and in any guise they wish. Arathan asks if Mother Dark is an Azathanai. Draconus says no, she is a Tiste.
POV: Korya
The morning after the encounter with Kilmandaros Haut led Korya down into the Abandoned City of the Jaghut. She had dreamed of trapped dolls. Varandas had left before she woke up. She told Haut that she didn't want to visit anyone named the Lord of Hate. Haut agreed, but said they must anyway. She asked why and he angrily said to answer he must tell a tale and he hates tales. He asks her to tell him why he hates tales. She says because a tale has a unity that is impossible in life. It is only told from one universal perspective. She says he doesn't have to explain why he's bad at storytelling. She says just get on with it. He tells her what they know of the Azathanai which isn't much. They are powerful in ways no one understands. They are contrary and ill-inclined to society. He says they can choose any form they wish. Korya says he is describing gods, or demons, or spirits. He says yes. She asks if they can be killed. He doesn't know, but knows some have disappeared.
There is one Azathanai who now names himself K'rul. She asks what he was named before. Haut says Keruli and that that transformation is the heart of the story. The word Keruli among the Dog-Runners is of the present. But if it's not present, as in past or dead it changes to K'rul. Korya says, so they can be killed. Haut says yes and no. Not even the Azathanai understand what he did to himself. Korya asks what he did. ‘He bled, and from the wounds he opened upon himself, in the blood itself, he gave birth to mysterious power. Sorcery. Magic in many currents and flavours. They are young still, vague in aspect, only barely sensed. Those who do sense them might choose to flee, or venture closer. In exploration, these currents find definition.’ She says that the Jaghut, Dog-Runners, Thel Akai and Forulkan all have their own sorcery. Haut asks about the Tiste. She says that Varandas told her they did, but she's never seen anything like that. Keruli's blood leaves him and becomes something left behind, so he becomes K'rul. She understands that the Dog-Runners expected him to die and so his name changed. But that he lives on. Haut says yes and now the other Azathanai are beginning to understand the consequences of what he has done. Haut asks her why they might be alarmed. She says because he is giving anyone access to the power they held only among themselves.
Haut says, 'What value being a god when each and every one of us can become one?’ She says that gods are bullies, pathetic and venal. Haut says they are all selfish right. Except this one time. K'rul has set precedent where he has given a gift without expectation. He analogizes it to a merchant who suddenly gives everything away for free. Society collapses. Korya asks if the Lord of Hate is K'rul. He says no. She asks if his story is over. He says it is. She says, ‘But you ended nowhere!’. He says he warned her and now they must leave.
POV: Arathan
Arathan followed Draconus into a clearing and beheld a high Tower of what looked like white marble. He tells Arathan to hobble his horses. They have arrived. Arathan says he doesn't understand why something so beautiful could be called the Tower of Hate. Draconus motions for him to come into a different structure. He does. There is a desk in the corner of the room with stacks of vellum and countless quills. There is an open trapdoor as well. Draconus tells Arathan to wait and he will find chairs. Arathan asks if they are in the gatekeepers tower. A sound from the trap door directed Arathan's eyes to a Jaghut climbing into view. He had never seen one before. Ignoring Arathan the Jaghut walks to the desk. He is wearing a purple robe and his fingers are very ink stained. He says he writes in ink, not blood and his only excess is moderation. He asks Arathan what he thinks and Arathan tells him that they seek audience with the Lord of Hate. The Jaghut responds, ‘That fool? He bleeds ink like a drunk pissing in the alley. His very meat is sodden with the bile of his dubious wit. He chews arguments like broken glass, and he bathes all too infrequently.' He writes a suicide note, and it is interminable. His audience blinks, too filled with self-importance to choke out a laugh. Death, he tells them, is the gift of silence.'
The Jaghut says he looks like a Tiste and that no one doubts Draconus's power. The Tiste should be wary of his temper. He should warn them. Arathan says he will not return and that he means to stay in the Tower of Hate. The Jaghut asks where that is and Arathan tells him the tall one of white marble where the Lord of Hate dwells. The Jaghut says a secret awaits you. He asks Arathan what material would you use to build an edifice of hate. Arathan says something pure. The Jaghut says very good. And the tower should shine bright as well right? Yes. The Jaghut says, so white marble or in this case opal. He says that no Jaghut could build a tower like that. It would require an Azathanai mason. One with a sense of humor. He asks Arathan how many levels should it have. Arathan says hatred is a thing that blinds. The Jaghut asks him what he thinks of a suicide note that never ends. Arathan says it's a joke. He says he appreciates the irony. The Jaghut confirms that hate blinds and that there are no levels to it at all. What about windows and what manner of door should be used. Arathan says no windows because all that is outside matters not to the one within. Arathan looks at the Jaghut and says it's solid stone isn't it. But there must be a way in. The Jaghut says, but no way out. Arathan says but if it's solid none can live within it. The Jaghut responds that none do at least not what any sane person would call living.
Draconus walks in and says that you've burned every piece of furniture in every home nearby. The Jaghut says the winters are cold. He tells Draconus that he was just discussing Gothos's folly with his son. He points to a trunk and says there is wine in it. Draconus says he wants to speak with Hood. He grabs a clay jug out of the trunk. The Jaghut says it's an excellent choice. Draconus says it's the one he gifted to the Jaghut the last time they met. Draconus asks if Hood is still below. The Jaghut says he can't get rid of him. He tells Draconus that his son wishes to remain in the keeping of the Lord of Hate. Draconus says he would make himself a gift to you. The Jaghut says for what purpose? Draconus tells him that he is trained in letters. He then asks, ‘How many volumes have you compiled thus far, Gothos?’ Gothos responds a dozen stacks of papers written in his execrable hand. Draconus asks if he wrote it in Old Jaghut. Gothos says that that language is terrible. It is for tax collectors and unimaginative people. He would have killed himself after the first three words. If only. Then he confesses that he has indeed written in Old Jaghut.
Draconus tells him to teach the script to Arathan and he can translate it into a more suitable language like Tiste. Gothos says he will go blind and his hand will fall off translating it. Does he actually want to do it. Draconus says it was his idea. Gothos asks Arathan why. Arathan answers, ‘Because, sir, an unending suicide note cannot but be a proclamation on the worth of living.’ Gothos says he will argue against him and assault him with his wisdom at every turn. Gothos asks, 'What have you that dares to claim the strength to withstand me?’ Arathan responds, ‘I have youth.’. Gothos says that he will lose it. Arathan says eventually yes. Gothos says, ‘Draconus, your son does you proud.’ Draconus agrees. Gothos gives Draconus a key and tells Arathan to never doubt his father's courage. Arathan says he never has .Gothos asks for his name. Arathan tells him. Gothos asks, ‘And do you?’. Arathan says what? Gothos says do you walk on water because that is your name's meaning. Arathan says no and that he broke through ice and almost drowned. Gothos asks if he now fears ice or water. Arathan says no.
Gothos tells him his father wants to free Hood. It's dangerous. Do you know why. Arathan says for some sort of redemption. Gothos now confirms for himself that it was Errastas who killed Karish and others. He says that Draconus doesn't understand Jaghut. He thinks Hood will hunt down Errastas. He wants the legendary Jaghut rage to be unleashed on Errastas. But that won't happen. Arathan asks what Hood will do. Gothos answers, ‘He grieves for the silence she now gives him, Arathan. I fear, in truth, that he will announce a war upon that silence. All to hear her speak again, one more time, one last time. He will, if he is able, shatter the peace of death itself.’ Arathan asks how that is possible. Gothos doesn't know. He flees death, so he isn't the one to ask. He only hopes other Jaghut do not heed Hood's summons. Arathan asks why they would. It's madness. Gothos says it is audacious. Arathan looks at the trap door. Gothos says it's not a good sign that you already tire of my company. Go ahead and look.
Arathan makes his way down the trap door stairs. At the bottom there is a pool of water and an island in the middle. Hood is chained up on this island. Draconus is telling Hood that he plans to cleanse the gift and that other Azathanai are also horrified by Errastas's crime. K'rul is seeking justice. He tells Hood, he plans to release him. Hood laughs and says, ‘Ah, Draconus. You sought from Errastas a worthy symbol of your love for Mother Dark. To achieve that, he stole the love of another, and made from blackwood leaves the gift you sought. By this we are all made to bow before your need.’ Hood says he doesn't blame Errastas or Sechul or even Draconus. He tells Draconus, 'Be a sword if you will, but do not expect me to wield it.’ Draconus responds, ‘My fury remains, Hood, and I will curse Errastas for his deed, and for my own role in it. I will forge a sword and make of it a prison—’ Hood cuts him off and calls him a fool. Draconus continues, ‘Quenched in Vitr—’ Hood tells him to stop his description. He says, 'What I will do, once I am freed, will unwind all of existence.' He tells him to give him the key and begone.. Draconus tells him that he cannot defeat death. Hood tells Draconus that he doesn't know that. He will have allies who have their own grief and no one will doubt their resolve. ‘Gothos chained me out of love,’ he said, eyeing the key he held. ‘And here you seek to free me in its name, but I am dead to such things now. One day, Draconus, I will call upon you, in Death’s name, and I wonder: how will you answer?’ Draconus says they will both find out.
Hood says they are done, but Arathan tells him of his faith. Hood laughs but says go on. Arathan tells him that he thinks Hood will prove Gothos wrong. ‘His argument, sir. It is wrong. You all failed to answer him and so ended your civilization. But that argument never ends. It cannot end, and that is what you will prove.’ Hood tells Arathan that he is bold and asks if he thinks he will win his war. Arathan says no, but he will bless his attempt. This brings tears to Hood. Draconus sets his hand on Arathan's shoulder and says he regrets not knowing him better. Arathan tells Draconus he has been warned by all not to do what he is planning. Why does he still persist. Draconus says because he doesn't know any other way. Arathan says this is what Hood, Gothos, Kilmandaros, and Olar Ethil all said too.
Draconus says he has to go. He tells Arathan that there is an odd Jaghut who loves horses and will take care of his, but not to lose his bond with Hellar. He tells him to find somewhere to make a home, but do not isolate himself. There is a world beyond Gothos and the Jaghut. Arathan tells his father to be careful and that those in Kharkanas think they know him, but they do not. Draconus asks, ‘And you do?’ Arathan responds that he is an Azathanai. Draconus leads his mount into a clearing and darkness follows him. A moment later he is gone. No hug for Arathan. Arathan feels lost and free. He studies the figurine that Olar Ethil gave to him through his father. The last physical reminder of this entire trip. Another gift soaked in blood.
He hears a sound and looks up to see a Jaghut in armor and a young Tiste woman approaching. The Jaghut asks if he is within. Arathan says he is asleep in his chair. The Jaghut goes inside and yells at Gothos to wake up. The woman asks him what he's doing here and who is. The challenge throws Arathan off a bit. He tells her he is a guest of the Lord of Hate. She asks if the figurine he had was a doll. He says in a manner of speaking. a gift. She tells him it's ugly. He says nothing and is uncomfortable by her direct gaze. She asks, 'Do you always do that?’ He says what? She says, chew your nails. Arathan drops his hand and wipes it on his thigh. He says no.

I was raped and groped multiple times in the past basically everywhere. Women, Men, everyone basically. People my age and even older people. Friends and classmates, even from someone of my family and ofc also strangers. But I'm seriously not good enough to find a partner... You kidding me, i honestly feel like I'm in a bad reality TV Show or something.

Specs spends a lot, is annoying and his humor may be a little distasteful to some. But the shit I've been reading on this subreddit, YT comments, TikTok, Insta and Twitter is actually wild. I understand some jokes like the bath one are a little odd but to straight up call him a creep is a lot, imo. People are treating him as if he's groping the girls at this point. I'm pretty certain that if the women involved felt as if he was creepy, they would've spoken to production or something about it. These are heavy ass accusations and labels, dial it back ffs.