Abilify used for only anxiety

Social Anxiety

2009.07.10 15:56 crovoh Social Anxiety

Distress in social situations, causing impaired functioning in daily life. Triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny from others. Physical symptoms may include: blushing, excess sweating, trembling, palpitations, and nausea, stammering, along, rapid speech, panic attacks.. Introversion and shyness (personality characteristics) are not social anxiety (mental distress). Socially anxious people may be shy/introverted, but shy/introverted people do not necessarily have social anxiety
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2009.06.20 08:04 blinkin The Netherlands

Welcome to /Netherlands! Only English should be used for posts and comments. This rule is in place to ensure that an ample audience can freely discuss life in the Netherlands under a widely-spoken common tongue. Furthermore, content and discussions should contain topics concerning daily life in the Netherlands. See rules for more information. Sincerely, old.reddit.com/netherlands
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2012.07.14 00:46 For Reddit's trout fanatics

Hello all! This subreddit is here for everyone who enjoys the great pursuit that is trout-fishing, whether by bait, lure, fly, or otherwise. Share your tips, advice, catches, stories, and anything else you want related to the great Oncorhynchus geneology. Tight Lines!
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2024.05.19 16:43 -quibbler- Facial & scalp sweat

24F šŸ‡¬šŸ‡§ UK
I havenā€™t been tested or had any conversations about my sweat problem with any medical professionals. This has been a problem for me since I was in my teens, the only person I opened up to about this was my boyfriend, and that was last week.
I canā€™t cope with it anymore.
The back of my neck, scalp (everywhere, but mostly the back) and face drip with excess sweat at any sign of heat or exertion. I can get out of the shower, blow dry my hair and within minutes the back is damp again.
Earlier today, we took a simple stroll (no hills, no massive exertion) to a nearby river to have a picnic, the sun was out but there was a generous breeze and the temperature overall wasnā€™t too hot at all. Maybe 17Ā°C / 60Ā°F maximum. We got to sitting down and my face was dripping, I could feel my scalp itching with sweat droplets, underneath at the back it was completely wet.
My hair is also naturally wavy, so it looks frizzy and ridiculous when this happens.
I have autism so the sensory hell of feeling overheated and damp all the time is horrific.
I also have anxiety, and a symptom of my anxiety when I get worked up is - you guessed it, sweating.
Itā€™s debilitating.
I constantly feel unclean and gross. Luckily my sweat doesnā€™t smell, so Iā€™m extremely grateful for that. But I canā€™t do cute things with my hair. I have acne so I feel like using products for my face will exacerbate THAT issue. I canā€™t wear makeup to cover my acne because my sweating issue just makes it impossible.
My face is constantly damp and shiny. Couple that with my acne and I just feel like a gross red sweaty mess.
Itā€™s affecting my social life, my confidence in my relationship, my boyfriend is a very active and outdoorsy person but Iā€™m hearing myself say no to plans so often just because Iā€™m so afraid of feeling sweaty and disgusting.
Itā€™s so circular and frustrating I just break down and cry when itā€™s summer. Winter and any of the colder months I can cope with it better. But May - September, I just donā€™t know what to do.
Any advice would be welcome, Iā€™ve never really talked about this before and I donā€™t even know if thereā€™s help out there for this.
Thank you ā¤ļø
submitted by -quibbler- to Hyperhidrosis [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:30 Yourbfguidetotravel The Highly Sensitive Person: 8 Tips for Planning a Great Trip!

The highly sensitive person's traits often make travel a struggle if not downright misery sometimes. As a highly sensitive person myself I've learned a lot of things over the years to keep me a happy traveler. In fact it is my favorite thing to do! Here are 8 tips to make travel less stressful and dare I say it, great fun!

1. Get a Great Guidebook

One highly sensitive person trait is the propensity towards overwhelm. This is where planning is crucial to having a great trip. The more you know and can prepare for a trip the better. Knowing what to expect and having a good plan always decreases the overwhelm and anxiety I feel.
Having a guidebook also gives me all the information I need to know about a location in one place. It reduces overwhelm because I don't have to figure out all the different sources I need to research. Airport, Hotel, Transportation and Site Information are all in one place.
Check out a few guidebooks and find one that speaks to your interests. My favorite travel guide for Europe is Rick Steves. I like how he focuses on authentic cultural experiences which speaks to the Highly Sensitive Person's soul.
Highlight sites you want to make sure you don't miss and other sites that would be fun if you have time. Make time to familiarize yourself with all the practicalities of visiting a new place such as the language, money and local customs.
  1. Pick the Right Flights
Another highly sensitive person trait is feeling stressed with time pressure. If I book a flight that is later in the morning I have more time to get the rest I need the night before. This is also imperative because another highly sensitive person trait is we get more tired than other people.
I want to make sure that I start my day on a full tank. Plus, if my flight is a little later I don't feel that I have to rush as much in the morning to get to the airport. Highly sensitive people hate to feel rushed.
I also make sure my flight doesn't get in too late. I like to have time to check into my hotel and get my belongings situated. Getting to a grocery store is also important to me, so I can stock up on drinks, snacks and possibly some breakfast items.
Especially when I'm on vacation I like to take my time in the morning, savor a cup of coffee and perhaps a pastry. That way I don't have to rush out of the hotel in the morning to go find food. The highly sensitive person is more prone to getting hangry than other people.

How to Find the Right Flights

I always start my trip planning by choosing my flights as the cost can change drastically by adjusting my schedule by even just one day. Hotels are not as volatile in their pricing. I do check out the hotel rates before booking my flights though just to be sure.
I use Orbitz to research all my flights because I can easily search all airlines and filter by time blocks (morning, afternoon or evening).
Plus I can filter my options to include seat choice and carry on bag requirements, so I get a true cost of a flight without any surprises. Not to mention I can also filter by number of stops.
Direct flights are less stressful and have less room for unexpected delays. The simpler I can make travel the more overstimulation I can avoid.
Also, there is no rule that you have to use the same carrier to and from your destination. Orbitz is great for finding just the right timing of flights to meet your schedule.
I often do this by booking two different carriers. I can purchase both tickets on the same website and add in my frequent flyer numbers, so I don't miss out on miles, as well as manage all my flights from one app. It's perfect!
One word of caution though. If you are not taking a direct flight to or from your destination try not to mix carriers. If the flight is delayed for some reason the second airline will not get you on another flight if you miss it the way they would if you booked both flights on the same reservation.

3. Choose a Central Hotel

I always choose a hotel that is central to the things I want to do. Sometimes this can be in a busier or more chaotic area. However, what I love about a central hotel is that I have a convenient home base to come back and take a break if needed. This helps with the highly sensitive person trait of getting tired more easily due to our depth of processing.
If my hotel is convenient I can do an activity and come back to take a nap or get in some quiet time afterward. This recharges me, so I have the energy to go do something else later. It's especially important if I'm visiting a big city which is full over overstimulation, another highly sensitive person trait.
Pick a hotel recommended in your guidebook. This will cut down on the number of hotels to research. I pick the area where I want to stay and review the recommended hotels in my guidebook. Then I pick the hotel with the vibe I like.
My favorite hotels when traveling abroad are boutique hotels that remind me I'm some place new. However, if this is too overstimulating then choose a chain hotel. This will provide a familiar and comfortable atmosphere when you return from a long day.
  1. Assess Transportation
Personally I love taking vacations where I can take a break from driving. My trips to big cities or to Europe are perfect for this. They have such efficient and low cost public transportation. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else take care of getting me where I need to go for a change.
Renting my own car can be nice too. This can be essential if I'm traveling within the United States. I like being able to leave a place when I've had too much stimulation, am hungry or tired.
  1. Plan Only One Thing per Day
Don't try to do too much in a day, running around ragged to see everything. As Rick Steve's says, "Assume you will return". I usually pick one big thing to do per day and maybe one smaller, low key thing for later after I've taken a break.
If I am going to a museum where there will be lot of crowds and I will be walking around for hours then I plan a break for lunch afterwards and then maybe a walk through a park or to sit by some water. Water is very calming for me. Time is nature, water in particular is restorative and soothing for the highly sensitive person.

6. Timing of Activities

Crowds can cause a lot of overstimulation for the highly sensitive person, so plan and book your activities for early or late in the day when crowds are lighter.
Now that I'm a little older I've become more of a morning person. Anything that I need or want to get done needs to get done in the morning or it just doesn't happen. It's great because I can get into museums and other attractions when they first open before the throngs of people rush in.
More of a night person? That works too! As the crowds are heading out to prepare for their dinner reservations, stroll in and see everything when things are more relaxed and less busy. Make sure you take some water and snacks with you, so you don't get cranky. Another highly sensitive person trait is to be more sensitive to hunger.

7. Plan in Buffer Days

Don't plan to do too much the first day in a new place. Take time to get acclimated to your new surroundings. There will be a lot of new information to take in which may cause some overstimulation. I am also usually tired from the entire travel process as well.
Get oriented to the new destination. Go for a walk around your new area or a take a bus tour of the city to get the lay of the land. I always feel much more relaxed when I know where things are and how to easily get to what I need (rest, food, nature, etc.).
Plan a buffer day when you get home too. There is nothing worse than getting home and then having to head to work the very next day.
The highly sensitive person is very attuned to their physical needs. Travel is wonderful and exciting, but since we take in so much information due to our depth of processing it can also be very overstimulating. Overstimulation can lead to exhaustion.
Make time to go to bed early and take care of other practical concerns like getting groceries and doing laundry before heading back to work.

8. Pack Right

I suggest only taking one carry on bag when traveling and resisting the urge to overpack. Another highly sensitive person trait is attention to detail. It may be tempting to prepare for every eventuality, but it's not really necessary. If you forget something it's usually easy enough to purchase it.
Having too many things to keep track of can be overwhelming and it can make the difference between everything going as planned or disaster if you need to change flights or if your bags don't make it to your destination.
https://www.yourbestfriendsguidetotravel.com/the-highly-sensitive-person-8-tips-for-planning-a-great-trip/

submitted by Yourbfguidetotravel to hsp [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:23 Live-Egg-5202 I wish things were different (TW animal neglect/animal hoarding)

My family always had so many pets when I was growing up, at one point when I was in elementary school we had 8 dogs and 5 cats. That was already a lot. I dealt with a lot of mental illness growing up and addictions to TV, internet, gaming, pornography, etc, didn't care about school, was groomed on the internet, and my parents just let me drop out of high school. From then my mom started really hoarding animals, rescuing cats by the litter over the years to the point where now I think she has 50 cats or so spread between the small cottage we live in and a larger trailer. She works overtime and uses all the rest of her time taking care of all of them as well as feeding other feral cats she can't catch. My dad lost his job and now spends his days in misery cleaning up and taking care of cats, and their marriage is the most toxic thing I've ever seen. My mother doesn't even call my father by his real name, she gave him an unrelated name she just calls him by.
All my life from age 12 to 20 the first thing I heard almost every single morning was them yelling and arguing. I've never seen them show each other love. They're just so toxic and abusive and codependent towards each other.
I've been in relationships where I could move out and live with my partners, but my issues usually end up ruining the relationship. I'm so emotionally stunted and filled with anxiety and insecurity about the future. I can't blame my parents or my living situation for all my problems but I felt unable to really get a good footing in the world for my entire life, or witness models for healthy relationships. Most of my partnerships were codependent and obsessive because I felt such a need to escape from my home life.
I got my high school diploma, drivers license, a car, and have been working entry level jobs for a few years but I know I need to figure out college or something for my future. But the only thing I can afford to do is live in this house and somehow build a future here. I used to have one cat that lived in my bedroom, then my mom got 4 more kittens and they've grown up while I was gone and living with my boyfriend for a year. I moved back here a few weeks ago.
Now what was my only sanctuary constantly needs to be cleaned up, things get knocked off my desk or dragged around, I have two litter boxes in my room, there's cat litter and fur everywhere, I need to listen to white noise to even fall asleep because there are 5 full grown cats getting their zoomies in the middle of the night and they all live exclusively in this bedroom. They defecate at night and because their litterbox is like 8 feet from my bed, I smell it and it wakes me up. (That also can't be healthy for me at all)
My parents and even my mother alone make enough money that we could have a nice middle class life. They could've afforded to send me to college, to have a bigger house, to have money in savings, to go on vacations. Instead, we live in a small one bathroom two bedroom house, my mom lives paycheck to paycheck because she spends thousands of dollars a month on cats.
I feel like I've always been the only one who worried constantly about the future. What happens when all the cats get old and start dying? What happens when the economy gets worse and we have nothing in savings? What if suddenly we can't afford to take care of all these cats? Is it really morally better to rescue cats from living outside so they can live in cramped spaces and not possibly get the attention they deserve as pets?
My mom is mentally ill and is delusional as hoarders are, she will not listen to reason. I think she could also qualify as legitimately insane. My dad is so depressive and ruminates and complains about the living situation/my mother constantly as if I don't already know all of it. Yet I can't help but feel betrayed by him, he's the one who stayed with her as things got worse and worse. He was an adult when all this was happening, I was just a teenager.
I know it might be entitled to expect my parents to just provide me things like a more comfortable/healthy home, college, etc. My mom helps with my car insurance and I do have a bed, a shower, and a roof over my head. I can't act like I have it as bad as people whose parents are legitimately abusive, extremely neglectful, or kick their kids out leaving them to fend for themselves. I'm grateful for my life, I know it could be way worse.
I just can't help but feel like it's such a waste. Some people have hard lives because it's the best they can manage or they were dealt a bad hand. It's harder to have sympathy for people that just make their lives hard for themselves. Maybe my mother being mentally ill and feeling the compulsion to make her entire life about hoarding animals IS really out of her control. But it was still her choice to drastically lower the quality of her own, her husband, and her son's lives. And she has absolutely no remorse or empathy for that.
But even outside of the ways I'd benefit directly from more emotional/financial support from them, I just wish they had better lives? To see parents who either love each other or get divorced so I can stop seeing them at their worst all the time. To have some models of financial responsibility/security that just...makes sense even from the perspective of self preservation. My parents never showed me nothing to look forward to in life besides obesity, addiction, pain, misery, toxic relationships, hoarding, irresponsibility, codependency and things never getting better.
submitted by Live-Egg-5202 to ChildofHoarder [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:09 KiddRm Fears of moving out/going NC

I've been planning my escape but there are some fears that I'm a bit hung up on in my planning. So this is a mini rant/me looking for advice.
  1. When I leave my dad will become the new scapegoat. He's currently a mix between Enabler and Scapegoat, my N mom and Golden child older sister often blame him for any financial or hygienic woes they have. (My mom is a hoarder and often puts down my dads ability to keep the place tidy... but doesn't let me or him clean. As well as openly mocks him with my sister calling him a loser and other things like that) My dad is not a bad guy, he used to be the one parent I actually did stuff with and could talk to about issues as a child growing up. He's getting close to 60 and he has a lot of physical issues as well as mental (recently he looks like the walking dead, it's visibly obvious he's depressed. He's also is starting to forget a lot of things, Alzheimer's runs on his side of the family.) I don't like knowing that when I leave his life will be even worse than it is now.
  2. My cat, my sisters cat and my "moms cat". My cat is also similar to my dad lol, getting old and very disliked by my mom and sister. He only receives affection from me/gives affection to me. My cat is 13, losing his eyesight and has issues with the other cats in the household (he's a very big Norwegian forest cat and quite aggressive). The other two cats were not at all introduced to him properly and the blame was put on me although at the time I was around 13-14 and still grieving the loss of our last cat. I am currently 19 and the only one who gives the cats in my house any attention/affection.
My sisters cat is locked in her small hoarder room all day which is literally like a prison, the only time she is allowed out is for a 4 hour window in the morning and when my uncle who caught on to the neglect takes her for the weekends. I feel terrible because we found her sick, starving and dying, hiding under our steps about 3 years ago and we saved her but now we are her COs. Chow time/yard time for 4 hours then back to SOLITARY for 12 hours until my sister goes to bed.
Then there's my sisters "old cat"/"my moms cat" Firstly, the cat is disabled. She's missing a front leg which makes her an easy target for my cat who is aggressive when he's upset/jealous. My sister would spend all day and night after uni with her essentially creating separation anxiety and then moved out and abandoned her to take her current cat and get another cat that her old roommate, thank god, stole. My mom doesn't pet her, she could be sitting on her lap meowing for attention and she'll be too busy watching sports or texting all her enabler friends online.
I am so scared that when I leave these poor cats will be even more emotionally/physically neglected, my cat has long hair and I am the only one who has ever brushed him, they dont get hit or anything like that. (That I know of)
When it comes to moving out I don't have a lot of options, as of right now its join the CAF (Canadian Armed Forces for my American readers) which means no cats can come with me, or I can move out on a minimum wage salary and not be able to afford cat food/find affordable housing that allows cats.
Any advice is much appreciated, thank you for reading my mini essay lolol
submitted by KiddRm to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:44 Bushels_of_ash [MF] The 9th of May

There is some potentially triggering content in this story
Did you know that memories arenā€™t real? No? Not really, you can misremember or change a memory without ever knowing you have. Itā€™s a sinisterly important fact for me, some would be worried but I find it freeing, I can share this memory without fear or shame. I most likely havenā€™t remembered what happened as it happened, and considering what happened on the 9th of May all those years ago, Iā€™d say itā€™s likely I donā€™t remember. Itā€™s a relief really that memories arenā€™t real; I have always hated talking about my memories, about myself in general. In my experience, people are not interested in what I have to say, unless it relates to them or it makes me look less than them. Maybe itā€™s all in my head, everything is really. Iā€™m not the most people friendly these days, I think you could call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic, but Iā€™ll try and keep true to this memory, without the influence of hindsight and my cynicism.
Itā€™s about that puddle and the 9th of May. Why the specifically the 9th of May? Well I donā€™t actually know why that day, it could have easily been the 8th, the difference is hours. I do wish I could change the setting; itā€™s almost poetic, I could always be misremembering, it was a long time ago, and I have been told many times since that I have a flair for the dramatic. A dark and rainy night, with the wind howling, well thatā€™s a backdrop I can enjoy.
Iā€™m sorry. Let me start at the beginning for the sake of clarity, otherwise Iā€™ll never finish what I start to say, and Iā€™ll never say what I need to say.
Once upon a time I went to a party. I enjoyed drinking back then, a healthy amount for most people, but for me, a dangerous amount, I had a tendency to get inside my head when I drink.
No again Iā€™m sorry, thatā€™s not the memory I want to share, I want to tell the 9th of May, I think this memory will be harder to tell than I first thought.
It was a birthday party for a friend, well a friend of a friend, I knew two people there, I was speaking my wisdom at the party, normally people would just nod and slide away from that kind of wisdom, but this was during the university days, everyone is intelligent, insightful and understanding at university. We few were the self-proclaimed leaders of the future, and so understood all, my green wisdom spewed with no start or finish was always well received. I remember some of what I said, you can walk into any pub or club and listen to the drunkest person in the room, they would have spewed the same wisdom, wisdom that I thought at the time was original and wise, but really was just old sentiment repeated with new words. Despite what I wanted at the time, wisdom comes with age, not self-assurance.
But this time was my spring years, that sweet age just before I faced reality, the real harsh reality of life, I had just begun to explore the world inside my bubble, and my exploration lead me onto the well-trodden path of clubbing and drinking, the respectable rebellion. I began as I always did, by talking, talking of going to some event, a lecture, a monument, an underground pub, of all the things I could do that evening, the places I could go, I and the other future leaders of the world, the potential was ours to squander. This ended as it always would, in that night club, the very same one I would always go to, my slice of reality.
Apologies my dear reader, I have a cynical mind, itā€™s hard to keep at bay, Iā€™ll admit that I havenā€™t really tried to keep it from being an influence here, I canā€™t seem to help myself, but this next part of the memory is less clear, but I can relay it with a real, shame filled joy. This part of the memory feels more like a dream now, I donā€™t have the energy to do what I did that night, I donā€™t have the energy for much these days, I think that makes the memory more fond to me, drinking, dancing, worry free. Maybe fond was the wrong word to use here, jealous is more fitting, jealous of the innocence and time I wasted. The power of a drink back then was incredible; I miss the feeling, that burn in the mouth, the after taste, the saliva, the heat in your chest, and that feeling of being unstoppable. Of course drink has more than one effect, and while Iā€™d like to believe my cloudy memory is caused by false and misremembered facts, or by the merging of a hundred single nights into one endless night, thatā€™s too poetic. No, the memory is clouded by the amount I drunk that night, and many years after as I tried to forget this very memory.
Yet despite this, even now, the fragments still makes me smile, whether itā€™s because I enjoy the memories of the innocence I held then, or Iā€™m jealous of them I cannot say, Iā€™m a self-proclaimed cynic, not a philosopher or a psychologist, Iā€™ll leave the analysis to better men than me. Instead Iā€™ll try to give you an idea of what happened in the club without my opinions bleeding through. This night in the club was no different from all the others, they all start the same. Moving around the club in a daze, my head feeling big and unsteady, but also incredibly light and empty, my fingertips warm, my feet numb, I remember dancing to songs, dancing on tables, screaming out lyrics, smoking outside, stealing a bottle of champagne, fixing my hair in a mirror, buying a round of drinks, the lights flashing, the bass thumping, fog spewing, standing on my own staring at the old chandelier, crawling on the floor looking for money, I remember walking out the club and how quiet everything seemed in comparison while I tried to keep standing in the night air, looking at my hands, how bright the lights were, how blurry the world seemed and how beautiful the moon was that night.
Here, here the memory starts to come back into focus, the bright street lights and night air always helped me to sober up at night, plus Iā€™ve always enjoyed being outside in the dark night or under the moonlight, I find it comforting to stand under the moon, itā€™s as if Iā€™m suddenly alive.
As I came to my senses my memory sharpened, but thatā€™s all, my drunkenness remained. I was with a couple of friends, some who I had been at the party with and some who I met in the club, we got food, and we spent such a long time talking, our conversations were mixed, some happy, some sad, all just more green wisdom. Much later on, me and my friend, maybe the one I went to the party with (it might have been someone else, whoā€™s to say?), walked back towards our homes not because we wanted to walk as we said over and over to our screeching friends, but because the taxi was expensive and we couldnā€™t afford it, we lived in different places but close enough that we could walk together. Its funny to think of this moment, back then I had the money for a taxi, but I wouldnā€™t spend it on a taxi, now that Iā€™m a poor man, Iā€™ll spend money I donā€™t have on taxis I donā€™t need, apparently the youthful idiot I was, was wiser than I am now in some regards after all.
I donā€™t remember walking with my friend, or rather, I know where we went, how long it took and what we probably talked about, I had walked this walk so many times before this night, and so many after, they are all the same memory to me now, I enjoyed the walking in the night, the exhilaration of that has stayed with me more than the company on those walks. I always used to break it down into three segments, and so thatā€™s how it comes back to me now. Leaving the club, past the library, past the race track, over the river across the bridge, up the steep hill, past the first university gates (which were actually the back gates), round the campus on the public roads, to the second gates (which are the main gates), a long walk with company, a painfully short one with alone. He was still living on the Campus my friend, I lived about ten minutes away from the campus, I said goodbye and goodnight, we agreed to speak in the morning if we survived. He went through the back gates and headed towards the halls, I continued on my way, onto the second segment of the walk past the gates. I was on my own for the rest of the walk; this happened a lot, both during my university days and many years after. I lived on the opposite side of the campus to most of my friends so this part of the walk was always mine alone, even when I started the night with the people I lived with. I didnā€™t mind, it was nice to enjoy the feeling of being drunk without having to show I was drunk, a few assured moments of peace under the moon light. I never deviated from my path, round the outside of the campus, opposite some housing estates, till I got next to a little shop that sold cheap, bottles of spirit. I would always stop for a moment to wish that shop was open.
Then it was down that straight road, the final part of my walk, big houses on either side, well-lit but not busy. It looked like it was a five minute walk but once you started it felt like it was never ending, and at the end of the night, in the night air, it was never ending. Sometimes I would run, sprint to see if I could make it to the end of that road without stopping, something to break the monotony of walking, other times to tire myself out so I could fall straight to sleep, and sometimes just because I wanted to run. Nearly every day for two years I walked down that road to go clubbing shopping or studying, to go for a meal, see a film, meet a friend, it was a constant part of my life, an unwanted companion and witness. Walking down that road, reader I donā€™t think Iā€™m able to describe how I hated that road, but I always walked down that road, there were other ways I could walk, quicker ways, but I always took that road.
This particular night, actually at this point I suppose it was the morning. I was walking down that road in the rain and dark between the streetlights, bitterly cold staring straight into a street light walking on the right hand side. Iā€™d always walk on the right hand side, Iā€™m not sure why, whenever I walked on the left I had a bad day. Except for on the 9th, the 9th is the one exception.
I have no clue where the car came from; I didnā€™t see it until after the jump, just a blurred headlight, a door, a wing mirror. The driver, the make, the model, even the color is a mystery. It appeared and left like a phantom. There was no thought, I moved forward, but I donā€™t recognize that I was the one who leapt forward.
I remember the fall. I fell backwards. As if my strings had been cut and I fell limp into the puddle, there was no splash as I landed in that puddle.
The feeling I felt in that puddle, it was something I had never felt before or since, an overwhelming pull I was powerless against, I pray to never to feel it again.
Should I describe it? How to describe it? I have to describe it. I can describe the fear it inspired, but not yet, itā€™s easier to describe fear, but this isnā€™t meant to be easy, this memory never is. No the actual feeling, thatā€™s harder, It wasnā€™t a happy emotion, not a powerful emotion, not a sad emotion. Hopelessness? Yes it was hopelessness. Nothing more, nothing less. No hope for the future, no point to anything, I think it is possibly the only time I felt hopelessness. You canā€™t live without hope.
I couldnā€™t stand could I? No, I wouldnā€™t have laid there if I could, to begin with I didnā€™t want to, didnā€™t care to, my legs wouldnā€™t move, arms were like stone, every muscle in my body cramped, I could feel everything. My eyes were open, rain hitting them, rain dripped from my lips to my chin, it tickled. The fingertips were warm, hair moved, stand by stand off my face. Puddle water lapped against my cheek, socks soaking up water, shirt getting tighter and heavier, jacket sleeves filling up with water, keys and wallet resting on my leg. I just lay there staring at nothing, seeing nothing.
I think to begin with I was gone; that everything I held myself up to and was trying to achieve, had suddenly left me, except my memories, memories that werenā€™t real. For the longest time thatā€™s how I was, empty, even down to my emotions there was nothing I laid there empty. I could feel my body, but I couldnā€™t move it, I wasnā€™t welcome, I felt awkward, out of place. Iā€™m not sure how long I lay there, dead (I had to be dead because I had no hope), it could have been a minute; it could have been hours, days or years.
The light was wrong. It was dark, only the light seemed to come from a streetlight, the sky was empty, the moon had left me.
Some portion of my mind came back, I started crying, I had failed, failed at even this simple task, I lay for a long time waiting, waiting for something else to come, I should have gotten up, but I just lay there waiting, I was muttering my secret . If that had been my mind for the rest of my days, I would have spent those days in that puddle unmoving; declared brain dead on the spot. The moment raises such disgust in me, I grieved my most important failure, hated my greatest success.
Iā€™d like to lie here, to say anything other than the truth, to save myself the pain and the shame, but I said I would try to tell this memory as it was, not as I wish it, so while Iā€™d like to say I had a vison, a burst of strength, that hope returned to me, I canā€™t, because in reality it was two words that saved me.
Two words. The Two words that cut through it all. Iā€™m still not sure if I just heard them from somewhere else, said it myself or imagined it afterwards. ā€œGet upā€ it was angry, disgusted, the words were almost spat out, ā€œGet upā€.
Those words have burned themselves into my mind, and affected me every day since. The fear and inspiration it awoke in my mind, throat pricked and butterflies in my stomach, anxiety. Next to the hopelessness it seemed like life had spoken, with a voice that wielded fear.
I took control of my body thenā€¦ā€¦
No dear reader I didnā€™tā€¦. I am almost finished, I have to be true to the memory, I canā€™t spare myself now, itā€™s too late for me to take it back.
I didnā€™t take control, I wasnā€™t there yet, it took me such a long time to regain control again, but it gave my eyes back to me for I had seen nothing long before the fall. I watched as fear drove me, took the strings of my life and moved them, dragging my shell in the dust, screaming.
I cursed everyone and everything, hated myself for what had happened, Oh and the fear, fear of the voice, fear of dying, the fear that someone would see me at this moment, see me and misunderstand me, I didnā€™t want to die,(I donā€™t want to die now) I was terrified that I had tried to die, terrified I didnā€™t know where that urge came from, that moment of energy and intention that was actioned without the consent of my mind, that I was powerless against.
Fear drove me, commanded me out of that puddle. Iā€™d gone insane, truly, completely, utterly mad, I was dragging myself to the curb, screaming, crying, laughing, I ripped my finger nails out, shredded my palms and hands into bloody messes my knees into bruised pulp, my head and face cut by being dragged along.
I heaved up that curb fucking curb, shaking. I started to stand and scramble forward, to escape that spot, that puddle on that road. I stood up hunched and bent, buffet by the wind, laughing, crying, waving my hands in all directions spitting, shouting, wiping blood on my jeans, I was staggering side to side shaking, soaked to the bone, I was mad, insane, disgraced and humiliated.
Why say more? I wonā€™t go further, there is so much more but to understand itā€¦. This was not the place for such memories. That moment all those years ago, was not the eureka moment, the next day I turned this into a joke, a story to tell.
To this day, I cannot tell you what really happened that night all those years ago, as I sit here writing and rewriting the words over and over. I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever understand it. I wonder what would happened if I could relive that night again, doing everything again now. This was the time that my bubble began to burst and the real world hit me like a wave. Perhaps it was just a moment of growing pains. Iā€™ve said it before, Iā€™m only a cynic, all I have left is the memory of the 9th of May, a memory I visit daily.
submitted by Bushels_of_ash to shortstories [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:42 AspieNana Will never date again!!!

So I F55 have been single, living with ex (paranoid hoarder) for a few years. It was exhausting & constant stress. We all know what clutter does to an aspie!! I finally had enough & decided to move closer to my kids&grans 1200 miles away. Ex moved out. I've been trying to pack my stuff (imagine trying to find my stuff in the hoard) bought a shuttle to live in/haul my stuff, still had the exs cats, dog, for months. I've had 2 surgeries in the past 6 months, both pushed my timeline further back. I've dealt with all of this ALONE. It's just been chaos & I'm really pushing myself. I have a 4 hr round trip commute, on top of an 8 hr work shift, 5 days a week. A friend there, invited me to a FB group to maybe meet some more friends there before hand. I got a few responses & over a period of a few months, 1 in particular, (F62) were seeing each other. She came to visit. Visit went fantastic. I understand she's a manager type personality & was fine with that, until I told her I am Aspie. Within a few days, I was being instructed on how to deal with bosses, friends, finances, when to work on my resume, tasks, chores, etc. I occasionally get overwhelmed & take a night off from tasks. I had set Mem Day as my "goal" tho kept the reality of rain, & things not working as planned (I had a date to get hitch installed, they screwed up reservation, & rescheduled next week) perfect example! I was planning on driving my shuttle down, coming back for camy dog. SHE decided, to buy a plane ticket for Mem wknd, to drive my car down for me. She's never pulled a trailer, nor dealt with midwest storms. She would also have my dog in that car. When I mentioned the given time frame, she dismissed it. My concerns: The shuttle is older and may break down. It's custom, so finding parts may take weeks. I also brought up midwest storms, her response was "its just rain we will keep going". I brought up straight line wind, derechos, etc. Was still blown off. So now my stress & anxiety are peaking. Monday night, we chatted until late, Tuesday, i had a texted a typo, & she was offended I didn't fix it. I had a horrendous busy day. She texted that I must be busy. I said yes. Note: that was all the text I got from her as well all day. When I left work, I texted that I was out. Didn't get the typical "drive safe" response. I texted that I got home. I got 'yay' in response. I then get voice message telling me she can't imagine how much stress im under, she doesn't want to be my stressor, etc. She offers me a night off of our nightly chat so I can decompress. I'm thinking omg she's amazing, thank you ty TY! Then... she sends me a vm of how I'm exhibiting VERY BAD passive aggressive behavior, full of red flags, she's going to take this as a concern, etc. I apologize & say today Im overwhelmed. Now I'm being told, she was upset about my typo, I didn't fix my typo, I didn't text much, how that made her feel ghosted, that her gut was right that I was bullshit, that I'm just too immature to handle what she has to offer. At this point, after a very long stressful day, I'm in critical shut down. I reject calls- texts, tho the texts come in nose to tail. Constant voice messages,texts, emails, voice mail,... I'm just here panicking in silence. So she starts harassing my adult daughter. I tell my daughter to block her. Now the accusations start. Then threatening to visit my elderly (80+) neighbors, (she's been to my place - driveways line up, she know where they live they are my only neighbors) harass THEM until I conform. (PS: she works with the elderly) & she can't see why I now don't want anything to do with her.
Things she's said/ texted-unedited:
-Until I hear different, I am flying out Saturday the 25th. I will get an Uber to your mom and dad's house because I have the address and we're gonna figure this shit out.
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-I think you were too immature to handle what I can give you and you laid on yourself by being a fucking pussy and that's bullshit because I know you better than that. Why can't you just own that you need to communicate better
-I will constantly call you until I have an answer. That's the bottom line. Don't be a fucking pussy.
-Do you like women to chase you because you were fucked up? Do you really like that or do you like togive amends so it could be done?
-I will keep calling because I want an answer because I am not a fucking pussy. I want to hear it from you.
-You by far are the biggest shit that I've ever ever known. Well played the biggest fucking shit I've ever known.
-I use your white T-shirt to pick up dog shit and it made me feel happy. Isn't it cool that I can text you and you can't respond to me talking about bullshit.
-It totally sucks to be you lol I'm loving this and if you never read it, I'm still loving it
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-You like the fat girlfriend because it makes you feel skinny and being with someone who's not fat makes you feel insecure
-I think I'm done with you for now enjoy and there is a feed for our text messages just so you know it's awesome
-I think that you just don't think and now there is no way of you to contact me thank you you did this. And I shot those emails out about mom and dad. Do I know where they live fuck no I wanted to get your attention. You chose to read them to use it against me.
-That makes me really sad and yes, I said things to get your goddamn fucking attention And you take it personally although you know me I don't even know mom and dad's address you fucking think about it. You dumb bitch OK use autism as an excuse. You're a dumb bitch autistic people think clearly.
-And you know what your daughter yes I said that fuck your daughter. You need to get her permission to do shit fucking grow up.
-Yes, I lashed out because you didn't talk to me. Yes, to all of the above, but the bottom line is when I love someone I fucking love them and I talk to them, which you did not because you were a fucking pussy, so prove me wrong
-For the record, we could never be more than friends if this is how you handle stress, not my jam at all, but I can certainly be your friend. Do you have a whole lot more growing up to do or a whole lot more realizing your disability in terms of being autistic and on the spectrum.
-I don't care if you're autistic or not you're not fucking stupid, that's passive aggressive Berni and fucking deal with it that was wrong and that was mean you were mean and yes, I lost my shit because I didn't know what was going on
submitted by AspieNana to aspergers_dating [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:34 SwaMaeg Wife (42f) has new prescription (BPD/bipolar med) that concerns me (44m) but has not shared about diagnosis or even having a new prescription; should I ask her about it? If so, how do I ask without seeming to violate privacy?

Weā€™ve been married 15 years and have 4 kids.
Wife has history of various mental health issues ā€” extreme anxiety, severe post-partum issues, depression, etc.
Within the last two months she started taking a new medication, prescribed by her psychiatrist, that is primarily for borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Itā€™s front and center in our medicine cabinet. I just noticed it. I say primarily but as far as I can tell those are the only approved uses and I donā€™t see any common off-label uses. Sheā€™s never told me about having or being diagnosed as BPD or bipolar disorder.
Should I ask about it? If so, how would you suggest?
Within the last year or so she was diagnosed with PMDD Neither with the PMDD nor the newer medication has she said anything about it to me. I learned about PMDD from her family/friends indirectly. A friend of hers referred to potential side effects of the new medication she had just started recently - so I was similarly tipped off indirectly.
Iā€™m very private about health matters myself. But I always share with her ā€” just not with others outside of immediate family typically.
Iā€™m glad sheā€™s finally seeing a psychiatrist (but wish she was seeing a therapist too ā€” which she was doing for a while).
The last few years have been terrible and often abusive emotionally and it is a relief to know she is privately figuring out (PMDD for example) that she has things to fix and Iā€™m not crazy for objecting to behaviors of hers.
Im sure the unwillingness or inability to share diagnoses and reveal the vulnerability or ā€œbeing wrongā€ is somehow part of the mental health picture. But it would be huge for me if she could just talk openly about what is going on ā€” I worry that if I pry (eggshells etc) that sheā€™ll blow up or even stop trying new medication. And, seriously, the last few weeks have shown improvement ā€” much better than usual. I think this medication is helping.
Iā€™m less concerned about her being private about health matters than making sure sheā€™s addressing things. However, it seems obvious that not being able to tell me about medication or diagnoses is not good. We have four kids in the house and her mental health stuff doesnā€™t just affect me. Seems weird that friends but not husband know what sheā€™s taking.
I donā€™t know if sheā€™s been diagnosed with BPD (which, as a non-doctor seems like a match ā€” but also stigmatized ā€” her friends partner has it and sheā€™s ripped on him for years about it and encouraged the friend to leave him because of it, for example). Or maybe itā€™s off label use for PMDD?
I think she should share with me what sheā€™s taking and why. But I donā€™t want asking about it to backfire, turn into a crazy fight or set back her efforts to finally get some help. Seeking advice? Btw, I donā€™t want to mention her friend sharing about new medication because I donā€™t want to throw that friend under bus for over-sharing.
submitted by SwaMaeg to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:16 rah0on Is this OCD or something else?

I (21M, not diagnosed with anything) have this strong aversion towards the ā€œalmost perfect.ā€
One of the ways this manifests itself is in ā€œgood and badā€ numbers. Some examples of good numbers in my mind are: 10, 27, 88, 642. Examples of bad numbers: 1, 34, 99, 554, 1,001. However, if say, 27 and 88 were in the same sentence/context, they would both be bad numbers. Youā€™re probably very confused right now, so Iā€™ll try to explain to the best of my ability. The number 1 is only good to me if it represents what I view as a ā€œwholeā€ number (I know the term whole number means something different in a mathematical context), which are 10, 100, 1,000, etc. The reason why 1 as in just the number 1 is bad to me is because it is too close to 0. Since 0 represents absolute nothingness, I view it as THE perfect number. 1 irks me because itā€™s so close to the perfect number, 0, but not quite there. This same reasoning applies to 101, 1,001, etc. as well anything involving the number 9 due to it being 1 off from 10. The other type of numbers that annoy me are numbers such as 34, or 554. Both of these numbers disturb me due to the fact that they contain numbers that are 1 off from each other. (3 and 4, 4 and 5) 554 also irritates me due to the fact it is 1 off from being a ā€œperfect 3.ā€ (555) When two numbers are in a sentence together, they must be vastly, or at least considerably (depending on the context) different from each other. I canā€™t handle numbers that end in numbers 1 off from each other (e.g. 27 and 88) being seen together.
So what problems does this cause me? If I need to go somewhere, say work, and my phone is on charge and it is at 71%, I will wait until it gets to 72% before I take it off charge and leave the house, even if it means Iā€™m late to work. Something that constantly happens to me is Iā€™ll look at the time on my phone, either intentionally or unintentionally, and it will be a ā€œbadā€ number, now I have to constantly check the time over and over again to make sure I view it when it becomes a ā€œgoodā€ number. This is because when I see a bad number I get this feeling like it has ā€œdirtiedā€ my eyes and I need to ā€œcleanseā€ my eyes by looking at a good number.
Another issue is with comments on social media, Iā€™m using TikTok as an example because thatā€™s what I use the most but you can visualise Instagram instead if you are unfamiliar with TikTok. When there are a lot of replies to a comment it will display as ā€œview [number] replies.ā€ With TikTok it used to be that if you tapped it, it would show 3 more more replies, and so on, reducing the [number] by 3 each time. However this has recently changed to revealing 3 more replies the first time you tap, and then 8 more for each time after, which is causing me even more issues. Anyways, if it reads ā€œview 392 repliesā€ that is obviously a bad number, so Iā€™ll tap it once and it will become ā€œview 389 replies,ā€ which is still a bad number so I keep tapping it until it becomes a good number. What complicates things further, though, is my need for all the numbers displayed on my screen to be harmonious with each other. So I will spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to make all these numbers perfect.
For a more real world example, if Iā€™m putting a book on a table, I will intentionally avoid trying to place it parallel/perpendicular to the tableā€™s edges. Now, if there were a way for me to guarantee I was placing this book at an exact 0Ā°/90Ā° angle, I would do so in a heartbeat. However, this is impossible, so what I instead do is I place it and very random angle (but NOT approximately 45Ā°) to eliminate the chances of the book being, say, 1Ā° off from being parallel to the edge of the table.
I also do some more, I guessā€¦ typical OCD things. I constantly recheck things are turned off/locked. A big, but stupid, thing for me is being convinced light switches will somehow turn themselves back on after I turn them off, so I have to make sure I press extra hard when turning lights off so they donā€™t magically turn themselves on. I do everything left to right, such as repeated clicking my fingers in a specific pattern (left pinky, right pinky, right ring, left ring, left middle, right middle, right pointer, left pointer, both thumbs at the same time), putting shoes on, and stepping on new surfaces. (e.g. carpet to wood, footpath to road) If Iā€™m walking up/down stairs I will always take the first step with my left foot, if it so happens that the amount of stairs in the staircase forces me to step off with my right foot I will do a kind of shuffle to make sure Iā€™m stepping onto the new floor with my left foot first. This causes other issues with the amount of time each foot makes contact with the floor, how hard I press each foot on the floor, etc. I spend a lot of time shuffling around in place trying to ā€œeven outā€ my feet. Donā€™t even get me started on cracks in the footpath, shadows, multi-coloured tiles, etc.
But what happens if I donā€™t meet these conditions my brain has imposed upon me? I donā€™t feel as if I will die as result of this, but I feel anxiety over the thought of dying for some other reason and leaving behind unfixed numbers, misplaced books, a foot that touched the ground more than the other, whatever. I could die at any momentā€”this is a factā€”I could get in a car accident, have an aneurysm, or be murdered. If that happens there wonā€™t be a chance to fix all those things.
Iā€™m pretty damn sure I have OCD, I just have someā€¦ oddly specific obsessions, and probably some other stuff mixed in. I just donā€™t want to tell a doctor all this and have them look at me crazy because they donā€™t understand what Iā€™m talking about. Plus Iā€™m way worse at explaining these things in real life.
submitted by rah0on to DiagnoseMe [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:08 _Blupee Can Metformin help with a cycle?

My daughter (13) has just started Metformin. She has reactive hypoglycemia, PCOS, low testosterone, low free testosterone, low iron, low carbon dioxide, and is severely insulin resistant, super pre-diabetic borderline T2. Her original Dr was a Peds Gyn because she was having a lot of weird symptoms to include her period only shows up 1-2x a year. This Dr was like.. she has PCOS and just needs an IUD to protect the endometrium from Cancer. But I want to do a bunch of other blood work before we get it in. Fast forward to the BW coming in and showing her insulin level to be absolutely sky high. She gets referred to Peds Endo. Gets a Dexcom CGM and it shows her blood sugar looks like a ping pong ball on a heart beat monitor. From low 60s to 200s and back. (Mind you we have been paying cash for her to see a therapist weekly for unexplained panic attacks and severe anxiety, to help with coping skills since her GYN said it could be MH related, which we will keep using to help her navigate this all). Endo says absolutely no to the IUD and puts her immediately on metformin, and folic acid with Myo & D-Chiro Inositol. Will see her in 3 months and if her period does not start will do some sort of progesterone push and will bring it on quarterly. I am wondering if the metformin and straightening out her sugar will trigger a cycle. We are also supposed to put some pretty strict perimeters on her diet even though she is of a completely healthy weight. So if anyone has any good cookbooks or websites I would be thrilled. Thank you again!
submitted by _Blupee to PCOS [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:05 wolfgrin89 Any issues taking Lexapro with preexisting bradycardia?

I have wicked bad anxiety issues. I have also had a two years long issue with gastritis and reflux issues (Iā€™m on 40mg or 20mg pantoprazole daily depending on symptoms) which has caused me to lose a ton of weight and probably depression as well although Iā€™m not really sad, just bleh. I have bouts of situational high blood pressure (used to take meds) along with a very low heart rate. I hang out in the low 40ā€™s and sometimes dip in to the high 30ā€™s. I have a cardiologist who has ran all the tests ecg, holter monitor, and stress/echo. All normal. I have gone back a couple times to see him when my HR is in the 30ā€™s (low of 35) and he is not at all concerned even though I get symptoms when it is low. I get the heart palpitations and heavy fatigue feeling. I used to be a high volume athlete, but only do cardio 3 times a week now. He once told me some people would pay a million bucks for my HR and I replied that it is for sale. Anywaysā€¦ My pcp has convinced me after about a year to try lexapro. I took one pill yesterday and then of course read all the potential heart effectsā€¦ Lowering HR and Long QT syndrome (which one site said bradycardia is a risk factor for this)ā€¦ Now Iā€™m not so sure about this stuff. I need the help with the anxiety and gastritis issues, but if I lose anymore heart beats I think Iā€™ll be pushing up daisies. Not to mention, that Long QT syndrome sounds alarming, since you know, you often donā€™t know itā€™s happening until itā€™s too late. Anybody else have bradycardia before being prescribed lexapro? Any patients? Any issues now? Ps. Iā€™ll call my doc Monday
submitted by wolfgrin89 to AskPsychiatry [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:02 wolfgrin89 Anybody else prescribed Lexapro with preexisting bradycardia?

I have wicked bad anxiety issues. I have also had a two years long issue with gastritis and reflux issues which has caused me to lose a ton of weight and probably depression as well although Iā€™m not really sad, just bleh. I have bouts of situational high blood pressure (used to take meds) along with a very low heart rate. I hang out in the low 40ā€™s and sometimes dip in to the high 30ā€™s. I have a cardiologist who has ran all the tests ecg, holter monitor, and stress/echo. All normal. I have gone back a couple times to see him when my HR is in the 30ā€™s (low of 35) and he is not at all concerned even though I get symptoms when it is low. I get the heart palpitations and heavy fatigue feeling. I used to be a high volume athlete, but only do cardio 3 times a week now. He once told me some people would pay a million bucks for my HR and I replied that it is for sale. Anywaysā€¦ My pcp has convinced me after about a year to try lexapro. I took one pill yesterday and then of course read all the potential heart effectsā€¦ Lowering HR and Long QT syndrome (which one site said bradycardia is a risk factor for this)ā€¦ Now Iā€™m not so sure about this stuff. I need the help with the anxiety and gastritis issues, but if I lose anymore heart beats I think Iā€™ll be pushing up daisies. Not to mention, that Long QT syndrome sounds alarming, since you know, you often donā€™t know itā€™s happening until itā€™s too late. Anybody else have bradycardia before being prescribed lexapro? Any issues now? Psā€¦ I will call my doc Monday
submitted by wolfgrin89 to lexapro [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:01 ibid-11962 Writing and Publishing Eragon [Post Murtagh Christopher Paolini Q&A Wrap Up #6]

As discussed in the first post, this is my ongoing compilation of the remaining questions Christopher has answered online between August 1st 2023 and April 30th 2024 which I've not already covered in other compilations.
As always, questions are sorted by topic, and each Q&A is annotated with a bracketed source number. Links to every source used and to the other parts of this compilation will be provided in a comment below.
The previous post focused on details about the writing of Murtagh. This installment will focus on The Writing and Publication of Eragon, including the early abandoned starts and drafts the preceded the self-published version and Christopher's journey towards getting traditionally published. In this post the topics are arranged in almost a chronological order. The next post will focus on the writing of the Fractalverse, and so will be posted on /Fractalverse.

Writing and Publishing Eragon

The Original Idea
[When I start to write a new book] I have an image. Thereā€™s always a strong emotional component to the image, and itā€™s that emotion that I want to convey to readers. Everything I do after that, all of the worldbuilding, plotting, characterization, writing, and editingā€”all of itā€”is done with the goal of evoking the desired reaction from readers. In the case of the Inheritance Cycle, the image was that of a young man finding a dragon egg (and later having the dragon as a friend). [10]
Who's your favorite character to write? Well, for me, it's the dragon Saphira. She's the reason I got into writing a dragon. She came first? She came before Eragon? Like she was the catalyst? The relationship came first, her and Eragon. [33]
I was specifically inspired by a YA book called Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville, which is a delightful book. I just loved that idea so much of finding a dragon egg, I was like, "Well, what sort of a world would a dragon come from?" And I knew I wanted the sort of bond between rider and dragon that Anne McCaffrey had, but I wanted the intelligence of the dragons that you find elsewhere, and the language and the magic. And I wanted sparkly scales because it just seemed like dragons are fabulous creatures and they ought to have sparkly scales. That's the fun thing about writing your own books. You can make them exactly the way you want to make them, and hopefully then that appeals to the audience as well. [30]
All of that kind of was swirling around in my head, and I wanted to write about dragons in a way that kind of combined a lot of elements in a way that, "I like this", and "I like this piece", and "I like this piece", but I kind of wanted to have all these different pieces in one type of dragon, and no one had quite done it exactly the way I wanted. [30]
I live in Montana, and our library is an old Carnegie or Rockefeller library, and especially back in the 90s, it didn't have that many books. So once I read all the fantasy in the library, I thought I had read all the fantasy there was to read. Because I was not the smartest kid in the world sometimes. And I kind of thought, "Well, it's the library. They have all the books that exist, right? All the books that matter are in the library." And I really had no idea what to read after that. So I decided to start writing myself and to try and write the sort of story that I would enjoy reading. And of course, what I enjoyed reading was books about flying on dragons and fighting monsters and having adventures. [35]
Reading and literature was always important in our family. My father's mother was a professor of comparative literature and wrote books on Dante and all sorts of stuff like that. Was the myths and folklore part of your life at this time? Yes, but I should clarify that it wasn't formally introduced to me. It was in the house. People weren't wandering around talking about. It was just like the Aeneid is sitting on the shelf. I would go read things. I have a great uncle. He's 90 now, my mother's uncle. Guy is still sharp as a tack. It's amazing. But he gave me a set of cassette tapes of Joseph Campbell, who did Hero of a Thousand Faces. So that was my exposure to his theories of the monomyth and the eternal hero and all sorts of things like that. That got me very much interested in and thinking about the origins of the fantasy that I was reading because I was reading Tolkien and David Eddings and Anne McCaffrey and Raymond Feist and Jane Yolan and Andre Norton and Brian Jaques, and all of these you know authors who were popular at the time. I was very curious where does this come from. Tolkien, of course, felt like sort of the origin in a lot of cases but then I was discovering that, there are earlier stories that even Tolkien was drawing from. That was really a revelation to me. I really sort of got enamored with it. A lot of fantasy is nostalgic and that appealed to me because I was homeschooled and my family didn't really have a lot of relatives in the area, so I felt very unmoored from the rest of society. I think I was looking for a sense of tradition or continuity with the past and fantasy helped provide that. That's an incredibly articulate thought for a 15-year-old author. Or has that come with age? No, it was something I was feeling at the time. You were conscious of it at the time? Well, listening to the Joseph Campbell stuff, I was looking: Where are our coming of age traditions? Where is the great quest to go on to prove yourself as a young adult, as a man? Where's the great adventure? What do I do in life? Those are all things that are part of the adolescent experience and always have been which is why so many mythic stories about coming of age deal with those questions. I think it's a universal thing. That's why Harry Potter, Eragon, Twilight, all of these have appealed so much because they deal with adolescence. They deal with finding your place in the world as an adult when you're starting as a young adult or a child. [28]
What games have taught you to be a better writer either in creating characters or worldbuilding or plotting even? All of my gaming experience was computer games, video games. One that had a huge influence on me was the old Myst series. Personally I love solving puzzles, so that's the first thing. And also the concept of the series, especially with the second game, Riven, it's all based around people writing books that create new worlds. And you get to go in them and solve puzzles and understand how that world works. And that just tickled every single part of my brain back in the day. Now, I'm going to be slightly unkind here, and I apologize if the author [David Wingrove] is listening to this, but there were a couple of novels based off of Myst. And I was such a fan of the series that I got the books, and I started reading them. And my first thought was, "I could do better than this." And so I decided to rewrite the first Myst novel. And I created a document in MS Word, and I got exactly three sentences into my rewrite. And I thought to myself, "okay, I think I can do this, but I could never sell it. So I better go write something of my own." And the next thing I did was Eragon. So video games kind of had a direct influence on me writing. But actually reading something that I felt was not particularly successful was such an inspiration. Because it was like, "this got published, I know I can at least get to this level." And it was published. And then maybe I can shoot for a little bit higher. [pause] I think some people have had that experience with Eragon. [26]

Early Abandoned Starts

I had the original idea, the concept of boy finding dragon egg, and I tried writing a couple of very short versions of Eragon when I was fourteen, and none of them panned out so I stopped writing for a while. [28]
Real World Version
What do you remember about the early days of writing ā€œEragon?ā€ Originally, Eragon was named Kevin and the story was set in the real world. But I only finished around 10 pages. [16]
I wrote three versions of Eragon before I wrote the version that had the unicorn, which was the first major draft. The first version was set in the real world, and that's why he's named Kevin. And the reason it was set in the real world is I was inspired by Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher, which is set in the real world. [32]
I was specifically inspired by a book called Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville. By the way, Bruce knows this. If you haven't read it, it's a great book about this young man in the real world who, spoiler, goes into an antique shop and buys a stone that ends up turning out to be a dragon egg. And I really loved that idea of a stone that was actually a dragon egg and the young man becoming joined with the dragon. And so I tried writing the story. And I got exactly five pages or six pages into it and I ran into a brick wall, because a boy finding a dragon egg is a good event, but it is not a good story. And I needed to figure out what was going to happen after that. I didn't know that at first. [36]
Arya Opening Fantasy Version
But then I was going down the rabbit hole of, "Well, if there's a dragon, where did the dragon come from? What if it were an actual fantasy world where the dragons were native?" And then that led me to then write a second beginning--I didn't get very far with this--that was more of a traditional fantasy story, and it opened with Arya and a couple other elves escaping a dungeon with a big battle, and at the very end of the battle, they send the dragon egg away, and Kevin finds it. But I didn't have the rest of the story, so I stopped writing it in that format. [32]
So I tried writing a second version of the story. So the first version of that story I wrote was set in the real world. Second version was more of like a fantasy world. [36]
I had the original idea when I was fourteen. I even wrote an early version of the story where it was set in the real world. But I soon realized that it was a lot more interesting to have a dragon in a fantastical setting. [8]
Research Break
I tried writing before and I always failed because I would only get like four to six pages into a story and then I didn't know what to do next. And that was because I didn't actually have my story. All I really had were the inciting incidents, like a boy finds a dragon egg in the middle of a forest. Great. But that's not a story, that's just one event. What happens as a result? So before starting Eragon, I was very methodical about this. I read a whole bunch of books on how to write, how to plot stories. [35]
I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. And I didn't know how to do what I was trying to do. Now, fortunately for me, my parents had noticed that I was getting interested in writing. And all of a sudden, books appeared in the house. There was no comment, no one forced it, these just magically appeared, and I read them. Some of the books that were incredibly helpful to me were these books that were called The Writer's Handbook, which was a collection of essays published each year by The Writer's Digest magazine. I had one from 1998, and I had one from, I think, 1993, or something like that. And there were essays from Stephen King and John Grisham and I think Ursula Le Guin and all sorts of other authors about what it was like to be an author both professionally and creatively. And that was incredibly helpful to me because again, the internet was not a resource. But the book that really made the difference for me was a book called Story by Robert McKee. It's a book for screenwriters and it's all about the structure of story. And up until that moment, I had never really consciously thought about the fact that stories have structure and that you can control that structure for the effect on the readers. So I devoured that book and I said, okay, I'm going to try this again. [36]
Did you very much sit down and study structure and character development and etc? I did. It wasn't a formal course or anything, it's just that my parents started buying these books and they started showing up. In fact, I still have them here on my shelf. This bookcase to my right is full of research books, technical books, language books. I read a book called Story by Robert McKee, which is a screenwriting book, that was and often has been very popular in Hollywood. It's a fairly technical look at story structure. I would never say do everything he says because of course you shouldn't necessarily follow any one formula, but that book really got me thinking about the fact that stories do have structure, which I hadn't really thought about before that. And that one can control that structure, and that this gives you something to work with. Before Eragon, I tried writing a number of stories and I never got past the first four to six pages, ten pages, because I never had the plot. All I would ever have was the inciting incident which, in the case of Eragon, is a young man finds a dragon egg. Ok, fine, but that's not a story. So when I read that book, then I was like wow, so I can control the structure of this. [28]
The problem with all of my early writing was that Iā€™d get an idea and just start ā€” I didnā€™t actually have a plot. But I was a pretty methodical kid, so I started reading about how to write. Fortunately, my parents are observant, and these kinds of books magically began appearing in the house. And I read all of them. [16]
Unused Arya Outline
So at this point, I was 15, that's when I graduated from high school and I was very methodical about it because I hate failing. So I said, okay, I'm going to create a fantasy world. And I did that. And then I said, I'm gonna plot out an entire book in this fantasy world. And I did that too. And then I said, but I'm not gonna write this. This is just a thought exercise. I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna stick it in a drawer. And I still have that to this day, that world and that story, I still have it sitting in a drawer somewhere. [36]
Then I spent some time and I created an entire fantasy world and I plotted out an entire fantasy novel in that world and I did not write it. I just stuck it in a drawer and that's where it's been sitting for 25 years now. And then I just did that to prove to myself that I could plot out an entire book. [35]
Before writing Eragon, again I was very methodical even as a teenager, I created an entire fantasy world. Wrote pages and pages about the worldbuilding, and then I plotted out an entire story in that world just to prove to myself that I could plot a story, create a world, and then I didn't write it. I put it aside. I still have it all saved. Put it in a drawer. [28]

Kevin

Writing The First Full Draft
And then I decided okay now I'm going to plot out a trilogy, because all great fantasy stories are trilogies. I'm going to do it as the heroic monomyth, because that is, at least my understanding back then, is this is one of the oldest forms of stories. I know it works on a general sense. It's going to give me a safety net, and then I'm going to write the first book as a practice book just to see if I'm capable of producing something that's three, four, five hundred pages long. And that's what I did. That was about two and a half months of worldbuilding, plotting, creating this. Then I wrote the first book and that was Eragon. That was my practice book. I never actually planned on publishing Eragon. It was only after I'd put so much work into it and my parents read it that then we proceeded with it. I was aware of story structure. I continue to read lots of books on it. [28]
And then version three is the version that everyone generally knows. And that's where I spent the time to plot out the whole series before writing, because having a idea of where you're going seems to help with the writing, at least for me. Usually. [32]
I originally saw Eragon as a practice novel, which is part of why itā€™s a very typical heroā€™s story. I knew that structure worked and it gave me the safety net I needed. [16]
The first draft went super fast. It went really fast because I had no idea what I was doing. And I just wrote that sucker. I wrote the first 60 pages by hand with ballpoint pen, cause I didn't know how to type on a computer. And then by the time I typed all that into the computer, I knew how to type. I did the rest in the computer. But this was back in the day when computers were fairly new. We had a Mac classic, which only had two megabytes of RAM. And the problem is that the operating system chewed up some of that memory. And my book file was around two megabytes large. So I actually had to split the book into two because I couldn't open the whole file on the computer or the computer would crash. So I had to open half the book and then close that and then open the other half. [35]
The First Draft
Once I finished the first draft, I was super excited and I thought, "well all of these things on how to write say that you should read your own book and see if there's any tweaks you wanna make." But I was really excited because I was getting to read my own book for the first time, and I thought this is gonna be awesome. And it didn't take very long while reading it to realize that it was awful. It was horrible. And just to give you an idea of just how bad that first draft was, in the very first draft of Eragon, Eragon wasn't named Eragon, Eragon was named Kevin. And there was also a unicorn in that first draft at one point, so you know it wasn't very good. [35]
If I heard correctly as I was reading, Eragon wasn't originally called Eragon? No, in the first draft of the book he was called Kevin. There's a reason! Look I have an explanation for it, okay. The explanation is that my original inspiration was Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher which is set in the real world. The original version of Eragon that I was developing was set in the real world and when I decided that it would make more sense to have a world where the dragons were native to and switched it over to this fantasy world and began to develop that, I just kept the name that I'd been working with, which was Kevin. Naming a main character is hard, especially when you get used to a certain name. I don't want to say I was lazy. I want to focus on the world building and writing the first draft and I'll worry about the name later. [28]
There is an early version of Eragon that no one's seen, that even my editor at Random House never saw. And that was my first draft. And in that first draft, Eragon encountered a unicorn in the Beor Mountains on the way to the Varden. And the unicorn touches him and essentially affects the transformation that he goes under during the blood oath ceremony with the elves in the second book, in Eldest. And his whole storyline with the Varden once he gets to Farthen Dƻr is completely different because now he has these abilities and he and a team of people ends up getting sent on a scouting mission in the dwarven tunnels to go find the Urgal army and then they have to flee back through the tunnels to warn everyone of this huge army and I had a underground cave full of lava, and multiple shades, and a huge Urgal army. There was there was a lot of dramatic stuff. Finding the Ra'zac in Dras-Leona was completely different. This is the draft where Eragon was named Kevin. [32]
I haven't thought about that version in ages. I think Arya was awake all the way from Gil'ead to Farthen Dƻr in that version. That's right, I had to completely rewrite that. It's an unpleasant ride for her. No, no, no, she was awake and healed. She was awake. That's right, God, I had to rewrite most of the last chunk of the book now that I think back, it's been a long time. [32]
The worst thing is, I think Kevin would actually take a larger budget [to adapt to film]. No, stop. Why would Kevin take a larger budget? Because the battles were bigger, there was more stuff going on. Seriously, there were more creatures, more travel. Yeah, I think Kevin would actually take more money than Eragon. [32]
You said that Eragon's name was originally Kevin. Was Eragon's name originally Kevin? It was. And I really regret I didn't stick with it because I think that as many books as I've sold, the series would have been at least twice as successful if it had been about the adventures of the great dragon writer Kevin. Especially just seeing Kevin on the front cover. Imagine the appeal to the modern youth. Kevin the dragon writer. I mean Eragon, it's confusing with Aragorn. Oregano. Oregon. But Kevin, Kevin stands out, Kevin's original. That's why I had to move away from it. [31]
Releasing the Kevin Cut
So do you wanna share some of those drafts with us, Christopher? Just kidding. Well, I actually had a fan reach out to me. He's one of the big members of the online fan community on Reddit and elsewhere. And he's kind of interested in some of these early versions from almost an archivist point of view, a scholarly point of view. Which is certainly an interesting idea. I mean, there is an early version of Eragon that no one's seen, that even my editor at Random House never saw. ... I cannot describe how much the Internet absolutely needs for you to put out an edition of Eragon that just says Kevin. Should this be like Mistborn or Way of Kings Prime? This is the Kevin edition of Eragon. The Kevin cut. Oh my god. It's "Eragon: Kevin's Version". ... We absolutely need Kevin's Version of Eragon. That's something we need. It's bad. It's bad. Look, there are certainly people who can look at Eragon, the version we have now, and say, "we can tell this was a younger writer." I look at it and I can tell. I could do so much more now with the material than I could then. But if you think that about the published version of Eragon, man, if you saw the unpublished version, the early version, it really is the raw writing of a homeschooled 15-year-old, who wrote a 500 page book about Kevin. I don't know, the internet is very unhinged these days. They would love this. It needs to exist somewhere on the internet. [32]

Publishing

Editing
So I wrote Eragon, and then I read the first draft and it wasn't particularly good, so I spent a good chunk of a year rewriting it as best as I could. I didn't know what I was doing but I was trying. I've heard it said that being displeased with your own work is actually a good thing because it means you know what is good work, and if you're not happy with your work because it's not good, it means you could at least have a goal to shoot for. If you read your work and you're like this is the best thing that's ever been written, you're never going to get any better. [28]
But I could see that the book needed work, so I decided to try to fix it as best I could, and I spent the better part of that year revising, rewriting, changing Kevin to Eragon. And then I gave the book to my parents and fortunately for me, they actually enjoyed what I had done. And they said, we think you have something, let's try to take it out into the world and see if anyone else wants to read it. [35]
Self-publishing
[We] decided to self-publish the book as a joint venture since we didn't know anyone in the publishing world. That was again a good chunk of a year where we were editing the book as best the three of us could. Preparing it for publication, formatting, I drew the cover. [28]
Now you have to understand, my parents were always self-employed, have always been self-employed and we were always looking for things we could work on together as a family business. And Eragon was like the perfect opportunity for that. They'd had some experience self-publishing a couple of small educational books my mom had worked on. Because she was a trained Montessori teacher, and so she was trying to use that expertise to write some material herself. But I don't even think we sold 100 copies of those. So we spent another good chunk of a year preparing the book for publication with doing more editing, doing the layout, designing the cover. [35]
The first set of 50 books showed up while we were watching Roman Polanski's Macbeth, which seemed fitting because those first 50 books were all miscut from the printer. And as a result, we had to rip the covers off, send them back for credit from the printer, and then burn the insides of the books. So we had a proper book burning in our yard, and I actually saved some of those burnt pages just as a memory of that event. [35]
Self publishing wasnā€™t as viable then as a pathway to a career as an author as it is today. Why did it work for you? Everything completely changed because of e-readers. If you wanted to read an e-book, you had to have a PDF on your computer. There were no distribution systems like Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Back then, the lowest amount you could print and not have the book be too expensive was probably about 10,000 copies. But we were fortunate because print-on-demand had just become a thing, so books were just printed as needed. Self publishing is a lot easier these days. Of course, todayā€™s marketplace is a lot more crowded as a result. [16]
Promotion
My family and I were going around the western half of the United States with the self-published edition of Eragon. I was cold calling schools, libraries, and bookstores to set up events. I was doing two to three one-hour long presentations every single day for months on end at various times. You have to understand that because my parents were self-employed, the time they took to help prepare Eragon for publication was time they weren't working on other freelance projects that would have been bringing in money. So by the time we actually had Eragon printed and in hand, if it had taken another two to three months to start turning a profit, we were going to have to sell our house, move to a city, and get any jobs we could. Because of that financial pressure I was willing to do things I probably would have been too uncomfortable to do otherwise. Like doing all those presentations. [28]
We were doing a lot of self-promotion. I was cold calling schools and libraries and talking them into letting me do presentations. And that worked pretty well because the librarians could take pre-orders for us. If we went into a bookstore, by hand selling, I could maybe sell anywhere between 13 to 40 books in a day. 42 was like the best I ever did, but usually it was around 15 or so books, which just didn't cover printing costs and travel and food and all of that. But going into the schools, we were doing about 300 books a day, which was excellent. [34]
Can you tell me a little bit about how you and your family self-published the first Eragon book and what marketing strategies you did? Oh, it was all nepotism, you know. I wouldn't have gotten published without my parents. There's nothing as powerful as a publishing company that's four people sitting around a kitchen table in the middle of rural Montana. So yeah, without Nepotism, I wouldn't have gotten published. You have to embrace something like Nepotism if you really wanna succeed in today's world. In fact, people don't realize that you actually get a Nepotism card. There's a secret club. You go to New York and there's huge network opportunities. There's branches of the club everywhere, especially strong in Hollywood, of course, in music. Taylor Swift is an example. So if you can get into the nepotism club, I won't say you're guaranteed success, but you got about 80% chance of actually making it that you wouldn't have otherwise. Do you think your mom and dad would be willing to be my mom and dad? No, absolutely not. No, no. You don't have brown hair, so it doesn't work. You have to have brown hair to be a Paolini. Okay, I'll try to find a different way in, I guess. [31]
Getting traditionally published
So you were very much looking for that partnership? Well we were wary. But the thing is is we were selling enough copies of Eragon that to scale it up we were going to have to start duplicating all the things that a regular publisher does. We were actually looking at partnering with a book packager or a book distributor just to get more copies out. To do everything a traditional publisher could do for me was a huge amount of work so it made sense to pair with Random House or someone else at that point. But it was still nerve-wracking because the book was being a success and then handing it off to another company, we didn't know if it was just going to end up in the remainder bin two weeks after it came out. [28]
People in the book world were starting to take notice because of course, if you've been to public school, you may remember the Scholastic Book Fairs and all of the Scholastic reps in the different schools were seeing me come to the schools and selling these books and hearing the kids talk about it. And it was getting attention. So we would have gotten a publisher, I would have gotten a publisher eventually. [34]
The book sold enough copies and bounced around enough that we'd heard that Scholasticā€”because Scholastic does all the Book Fairs in schools in the USā€”was interested and that we might get an offer from them. Before that happened though... [34]
Eventually another author by the name of Carl Hiaasen ended up buying a copy of the self-published edition of Eragon in a local bookstore. Which now that I'm older, I'm rather shocked at because it takes a lot to get me to buy a self-published book. It's got to look really good. [35]
Carl Hiaasen wrote the young adult book Hoot as well as many adult books. He comes up to Montana, I think he's got a vacation home here in the valley, but he was up here fly fishing and he bought a copy of Eragon for his then 12 year old son, Ryan. And fortunately for me, Ryan liked the book and Carl recommended it to Random House and it sort of bounced around among the editors for a couple of months before my editor-to-be grabbed it and said, "Yes, we will. I want to take a chance on this teenage author and we're going to offer him money for a trilogy that only exists in his head and see what happens." [34]
How did you find an agent? We had the offer from Random House, and like two days later, we had the offer from Scholastic. And so we knew we didn't know what we didn't know. My dad participated in some online self-publishing forum sort of thing. So he posted up a question and said, look, this is the situation we're in. Does anyone have any advice? And another one of the members said, "well, I was just at this publishing writing conference and there was this young agent there and I was really impressed with his presentation, or him talking about the industry." So my dad got his information online and did what you're never supposed to do, which is he called the agent directly and left this long rambling voicemail message because it was lunchtime in New York and you take your lunch breaks in New York. And only at the end of the message did he say, "oh, yes, and by the way, we have two competing offers from two publishing houses." And when I asked him, I said, "why did you do that?" He said, "well, because if he's any good as an agent, he's going to listen to the whole message before he deletes it." And we found out later that he nearly deleted the message. Because my dad started off like, "I got this teenage son, and he's written this book", and yeah, that, OK. So it was like two hours later we got a call from Simon. And Simon said overnight me a copy of Eragon and if I like it I'll represent you. And Simon has been my agent for 21 years now. [34]
It was a big risk for Random House. And it was a big risk for me because the book was successful, self-published, and we knew that giving it to a publisher, you lose the rights to a degree, and most books don't turn a profit, and it could have just ended up in the remainder bin. So what really worked in my favor is that Random House, and specifically Random House Children's Books, and specifically the imprint of Knopf, which is where I'm at were looking for their own Harry Potter, essentially. Scholastic was publishing Harry Potter. And Scholastic also gave me an offer for Eragon, but I could tell that Random House was the one that really loved the book and Scholastic was doing it because they thought it was a good business opportunity. Scholastic actually offered more money than Random House. But I went with Random House and it was the right choice. And I found out after the fact that Chip Gibson who was the head of the children's department at the time basically chose to use Eragon as sort of something to rally the troops and put the entire children's division behind it, and I was the very fortunate recipient of that love and attention. Which of course would only get you so far if people didn't enjoy reading the book. But fortunately for me, they did a great job marketing it and then people actually enjoyed the book. Which is why when people ask me how to get published, it's like, what am I supposed to say? The answer ultimately is you write a book that people want to read, and that's a facile answer, but it is true. If people want to read it, it makes everything else easier. The agent wants you, the publishers want you, and ultimately the public wants you. [34]
And I didn't realize how much was behind that email, because large publishers do not just casually say, "hey, we want to publish your book". There was a whole plan there, and they had a plan. And so they did. Eragon came out and then I had to figure out how to write a book with everyone expecting the sequel. [36]
So you kind of went and peddled your books at schools, as I understand, right? It seems to have paid off though, because it eventually landed in the hands of bestselling author Carl Hiaasen, but not right away. First, your book got in the hands of his stepson, and the kid liked it so much that he told Hiaasen about it, who then got Eragon fast-tracked with Penguin Random House. I really admire the way that you went for the weakest links, manipulating the minds of our youth and using them to shill your book for you. It's a tried and true marketing strategy from Girl Scout Cookies to coupon books, and I applaud you for your ingenuity. My biggest question here is, do you pay Carl Hiaasen's stepson the agent royalties he so rightfully deserves? He tried to collect one time, but I had to hire a couple of guys to drive him off. But, no, you always go for the weakest link. Back when I was self-published and all that I even tried to get Eragon reviewed by Entertainment Weekly, so I called up the subscription number on the back of the magazine and told them I'd made a mistake and asked them to transfer me over to corporate, and managed to get right to their book reviewer and tried to talk him into reviewing Eragon. So you always go for, as you said, the weakest link. Which is corporate. Ryan, Carl's son, though, yeah, I probably owe him a ridiculous amount of royalties. I'd say so. He made you. Oh, he did, absolutely. Without him, I'd be nothing. I guess the lesson here for aspiring authors is that it's not really about finding your target audience, necessarily. You just have to find your target prolific author's stepson and let the kid take it from there. Yeah, absolutely. As I said, that's part of the nepotism package. The sort of networking inside the industry. This is the stuff that you can never access otherwise, and you'll never get published otherwise. So it's not like you can just grow up in the middle of nowhere in Montana, self-publish a book, and then just become a success, by promoting it. You have to have connections. That's genius. I think you could have had an incredible career in designing loot boxes for mobile games based on how good you are at manipulating the world. Absolutely, microtransactions are God's work. [31]
Gaining Confidence
Was anxiety something you felt moving to this deal with Random House? Was that quite pressuring? Yes, it was a big change to go from writing for yourself as a teenager, homeschooled, living in the middle of nowhere, to knowing that there was a large audience for your next book and that they had expectations. I got criticized quite a bit, critiqued quite a bit when Eragon came out for, shall we say, my lack of experience on the technical side of things with the writing. I'd say some of those were certainly fair critiques. The great advantage of youth is that you don't know how difficult things are and you have a lot of energy. The great disadvantage of youth is you don't have experience, and there's no fixing that aside from time and effort. All of that was definitely in my head when I really started work on Eldest and it was pretty nerve-wracking quite honestly. [28]
When you finished the book, I mean your parents believed in it obviously. Did you too? Or were you like, "You know what, maybe the second book, maybe go all in on the second one?" I didn't feel like I was actually an author until my third book was published. Because the first one, well, that could be a fluke. Well, the second one, yeah, but you know. But once the third book came out, then I was like, okay, maybe I'm actually a writer. But even then, even after I finished the series, I still felt like, okay, now I have to write something that's not Eragon, just to prove that I can. So every book has been its own challenge and has been a way for me to keep feeling like I'm growing as an artist and learning to become a better and better writer. [2]
It took me, I wanna say almost 10 years to feel like I wasn't an imposter and that it wasn't just gonna get yanked away. You know what my dream was when Eragon was was going to get published by Random House? Like this was my pie in the sky because I didn't think it was going to happen. But this was my dream. I did all the math and I was like, man, if I could somehow someday sell 100,000 books, which is impossible. But man, if I could sell 100,000 books, that's a darn good living. Man, I could really make a living off that. I could support a family and 100,000 books. Man, that'd be amazing. And then it kind of took off from there. [33]
submitted by ibid-11962 to Eragon [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:56 NeighborhoodSea4595 still hung up over my shitty high school experience

4 years after having graduated high school, i am still thinking about my shitty high school experience
I just have a tendency to view my high school as huge missed opportunity, and Iā€™m always sad that I missed out on so many of aspects of life during such a big development period of time. being 21 now, I am just barely discovering so many things I never have and I regret not having done things lot sooner. I had multiple failed classes each year, extreme loneliness with a lack of relationships and really just a lack of interest of keeping up with schoolwork and life in general.
9th grade was fine. I was still struggling in my work and was still very socially anxious, but the social aspect was fine enough. things started to catch up with me however, as the following years Iā€™d be in classes with unfamiliar faces as I had to retake classes with the years below me. this is when I went completely anti-social. not to mention, the only friend group I really had was slowly disappearing and Iā€™d find myself alone most days.
this started happening in 10th grade. all I cared about was going home, playing video games and sleeping until the next school day. my grades suffered, and I had to take multiple credit recover courses as well as summer school. Iā€™ve already been treated for anxiety, but still suffered socially. I also believe Iā€™ve had a learning disability which went unchecked (and still is). I was incredibly lonely, anxious, self conscious and depressed. not to mention I was also lowkey bullied sometimes. I wouldnā€™t be a constant target, but there have been a few times iā€™ve been picked on. I barely had the courage to stand up for myself. Iā€™ve always been a little smaller, and very skinny so I felt i was likely an easy target. Iā€™ve always been self conscious about my body and just being able to express myself. I wore the same clothes daily which consisted of black chinos, a grey sweater and some vans. It was the safest thing I could wear. I wanted to wear sweaters daily to cover up my skinniness
This really continued until about halfway through junior year, where I was starting to become in touch with my roots and started being a little more social in my classes. I started to wear different, ā€œcoolerā€ clothes too. Nothing perfect obv. Grades and friendships still suffered, and overall I still was a shell of what I couldā€™ve been. By senior year, things only got better though
I felt I improved a lot senior year but I still had many issues. I sucked at doing my work, and while I was more social, I had often felt like I was embarrassing myself by being annoying more than anything. I was likely distracting others from doing work too due to my own lack of attention span. a few of my classes, iā€™d still be doing well at least socially. grades werenā€™t outstanding but Iā€™d at least be doing slightly better. Iā€™d also gained a friend i could sometimes hang out with during lunch
What I felt really embarrassed about however, was that I helmed a club which nobody would really go to. not even closer friends of mine. I felt ashamed and guilty. How could I expect people to show up when I was still super socially anxious and had barely any friends. I felt I disappointed the teachers helping me run the club too. I still regret that choice to this day.
anyways I still felt okay about the way things were going, but school was abruptly cancelled by covid and everything I had tried to build eventually crashed and burned. I was left super disappointed. things switched up to virtual classes but it wasnā€™t the same. Iā€™m at least greatful I didnā€™t have to maintain my club anymore or to think iā€™d have to do prom, where iā€™d likely have been alone
overall, I felt my entire high school experience and just life in general at that time was one big failure. I look back and just wish iā€™d have tried harder because now having matured, nothing seems as difficult as i had made it out to be. I just didnā€™t really know what I was doing. I felt iā€™ve been a hollow shell of any sort of character. I didnā€™t care about much and I never really tried, and for that Iā€™m regretful
It sucks because now Iā€™m seeing a lot more kids being able to express themselves which is something I wish I was better at doing. Even relating to my hobbies, Iā€™d only have scratched the surface. I wasnā€™t even trying to invest my time usefully to get into something new. Just whatever felt comfortable really. I entered adulthood feeling overwhelmed by what there is to have been offered that i had previously missed out on, that I never cared to do.
at the start of high school, I felt I at least had some potential. I had decent friends even from middle school but by the end of high school, I felt like a throwaway character. school being canceled only made it worse, however I still believe I only managed to graduate because of it
i still find myself having dreams or even nightmares over it. nightmares that that I never passed high school, and had to stay longer or dreams of having spent the rest of senior year thriving instead if having been cut short
I know itā€™s best not to linger on high school or blame myself over it so much, because these are all such shared experiences. i just wanted to vent about it because itā€™s been on my mind for so long without having gotten out, especially since itā€™s been really the last significant thing in my life other than having worked. i feel like the repercussions of my shitty experience have also have definitely affected me leading to my adult life which Iā€™m still trying to figure out
adulthood hasnā€™t been any easier on me. Iā€™m now 21, and Iā€™m lost. I have severe anxiety and find it hard to do most things, even the simple ones. I never continued school nor do I have a job at the moment and havenā€™t had one in some time.
I have accomplished a bit. Iā€™ve worked, made new friends, started to express myself a little better, and picked up many different hobbies however where I am now is a very dark place. I have lots of goals but find myself unable to pull through nor have the willpower to let alone use my frustration of my past experiences to help me grow. other than anxiety, i deal with severe depression, possibly severe adhd, and lonliness. I still donā€™t have many friends and I still hold a lot of self pity over my body and stature. I say Iā€™ve expressed myself a little better, but I still struggle a lot with self image and expression. I can say Iā€™ve grown a lot since high school though. there have been some empowering moments but right now I am just not in a good place
I appreciate if anyone listened. i know this is a long post, but I just needed to let it out. thanks
submitted by NeighborhoodSea4595 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:51 Hungry_Nihilist On 1L: Reflections of an average non-traditional First Generation Rising 3L

This post is specifically crafted to assist incoming law students who may be experiencing anxiety about their first year in law school. It aims to provide guidance and reassurance, addressing common concerns and offering practical advice.
I'm not an overachiever in law school; I'm about as average a student as possible. So, if you are one of those perfectionist students, this probably isn't for you
Feel free to add your own!
Reflection 1 - I did a lot of research on what I needed to prepare before 1L started, but the most helpful thing I learned was how to take a test, but you need to know when to do them. You can't take practice tests until much later in the semester (taking practice tests early without learning all the materials is pointless and an exercise in futility), so when you study, work on hypotheticals involving the subject matter you are learning. If you work on practice tests too early, you might burn up all the available practice tests. Some teachers only have 1 or 2 available for students to review. This means you will only have more to practice when you need it most at the end of the semester. You can still IRAC hypo's and get your practice in that way when studying.
Reflection 2 - Do all the practice tests or as many as possible. This means something other than sitting down for 4 hours and cranking out five tests. I suggest doing at least two complete tests (or however you feel comfortable with), outlining your answers for the other tests, and reviewing the answer guides if they are provided to you. In order to outline an answer, I would identify the issue and the rule I would need to use, then maybe write a few sentences on how I'd attack the analysis (Do this to avoid burnout essentially; 4 hours of tests are draining). Understanding the types of questions that can appear on old tests lets you know the testable issues you might encounter on the exam. I also write down how often I see particular issues; it helps narrow down what you would need to include in your outlines.
Reflection 3ā€”You only really need rules and tests to answer exam questions. All the other stuff is fluff. Ensure your analysis covers your arguments' strengths and weaknesses, and you'll be fine.
Reflection 4 - (Specifically for your first year) Read! Read! Read! During your first semester, you should spend most of your time studying and reading. Learning how to read case law is a skill, but once you understand what you are looking at when reading cases, the process goes a lot faster. Be sure to get caught up on reading before the last month. YOU WON'T SURVIVE (I mean you will but your life will genuinely suck).
Reflection 5ā€”Everyone in law school is an acquaintance. Some might be friendlier than others, but everyone is an acquaintance. If you approach your relationships in law school as a business professional, you'll be fine. If you are a guy, don't try to fuck everything that moves, it's not a good look and nothing spreads faster than news of the section fuck boy.
Reflection 6 - If you don't get straight A's, it's not the end of the world. Do what you need to do to get a job in the summer and bust your ass when you get that job. Work hard in any job you have in law school. Make yourself available to do things around the office, and always tell your supervisor what you would like to improve on when you start a position. For example, in my 1L summer job, I told my supervisors I wanted to get better at drafting motions. Over ten weeks, I left my 1L summer job with five good writing samples, including one I wrote for the big boss at the firm.
Good luck to all incoming law students! As long as you put in some effort, you will do fine.
submitted by Hungry_Nihilist to LawSchool [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:48 AristotelesRocks Has anyone learned to play the piano by themselves?

Hi! Ever since I was a child I have always wanted to play the piano, but my parents could only afford music school in groups, which of course petrified me so after one lesson - the flute, not even the piano - I refused to go. When I was 8 my cousin give me his old keyboard (childrenā€™s size), but back then I didnā€™t have access to YouTube, so I only tried to play along with the radio.
Now, Iā€™m in my 30s, I could get piano lessons but just going to a music school gives me anxiety, so does the one on one interaction with a teacher. Iā€™ve also been wanting to take singing lessons, but my social anxiety is so bad. Iā€™ve been singing on my own daily, and recording it, for the past years and Iā€™ve really improved. So now Iā€™m thinking about buying a digital piano and teaching myself. I donā€™t want to do anything fancy, just play along with the pop songs I sing. Iā€™ve been making up songs since I was little so it would be nice to use the piano for that as well.
On Reddit people say itā€™s better to get a teacher from the start (which Iā€™m sure is technically true), but in general Iā€™ve been good at teaching myself things. For instance, I held off on getting a DSLR camera because photographers told me it was too hard to learn without classes, but I taught myself to the point where I worked as a professional photographer for a while. Most of the professional skills I have (and get paid for), are self taught.
I wonder if itā€™s just different for autistic people, and what your experiences are? With the piano and learning things on your own in general? I donā€™t want to hold myself back just because classes scare me.
submitted by AristotelesRocks to autism [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:22 Reasonable-Figure300 My past situationship roped me into helping her cheat, but thatā€™s not what Iā€™m really annoyed about

I (21M) have recently got back in contact with a girl (20F) I was really close with at one point in my life. It ended pretty badly, about 2.5 years ago, after 3 years of on and off type stuff, but about a week ago her name popped up and I figured it had been long enough that we could catch up and it not be weird or there be any emotional stuff.
We got to talking and after a few days, it got a bit flirty. Nothing crazy, but it was comfortable so, you know, why not? She was giving me the same energy back. I donā€™t really trust this girl after the way she hurt me in the past so I made it VERY clear early on that it was just flirty chatting, nothing more, and she was fine with that.
Aside from the flirting we spoke about a lot of thingsā€¦her ex, my ex, our relationships that hadnā€™t worked out, why she was still working the same dead end job she had been since 16 even though she had qualifications in engineering, lots of things about her life both past and most definitely currently.
Fast forward to last night and weā€™re talking some more and I realised she kept disappearing. When Iā€™d ask ā€˜whatā€™ve you done today?ā€™ sheā€™d say ā€˜Iā€™ve been outā€™, which is kind of out of character for her. Like I said we were super close to the point where I can read her like a book, and every time weā€™ve spoke since getting back into contact thereā€™s been no evasiveness until Iā€™d ask about her day.
Iā€™m no idiot, and I know her well enough to know she was hiding something from me so I asked her straight up ā€˜what arenā€™t you telling meā€™ and she told me that sheā€™s seeing someone. I asked ā€˜is he your boyfriend?ā€™ She replied ā€˜kind ofā€™.
I was more concerned with getting a straight yes or no, because if this guy is her boyfriend and not a situationship or something Iā€™ve been unintentionally homewrecking for the past 3 weeks. She told me they broke up but sheā€™s been seeing him again a lot recently but doesnā€™t know how she feels about it because me and her started talking again.
She told me heā€™s really controlling and it was nice for her to feel free again for a bit. I used to be a support worker for victims of abuse so I understand why people go back, but thatā€™s even if itā€™s true and sheā€™s not exaggerating as a form of damage control, I really donā€™t know.
Iā€™ve tried to advise her and help her, in amongst the flirting weā€™ve had some really serious conversations about her life stagnating. Sheā€™s never looked for another job even though sheā€™s hated hers for years (since 16), refuses to go to the gym because sheā€™s scared of people, wonā€™t eat more than 1 meal a day even though she knows sheā€™s getting to a dangerous level and keeps going back to this abusive guy cos sheā€™s scared of being alone, and the only thing that might change one of those things is her latching on to me rather than Mr control freak, which she admitted herself.
I feel slightly guilty for getting annoyed about it but itā€™s so frustrating trying day-in day-out to help someone who says they want your help but refuse to take even the smallest step. I feel a bit hopeless, and I donā€™t want to cut her off again but if it keeps draining me like this I donā€™t want to sacrifice my own happiness to help someone unwilling to accept the help sheā€™s asking for.
Sheā€™s got no healthy coping mechanisms at all and every day Iā€™m trying to at least start getting used to the idea, asking if sheā€™s eaten or just chip away at that social anxiety so she starts working out and meeting new people, but I also donā€™t want her to attach herself to me because I donā€™t feel that way about her at all, emotionally anyway, something Iā€™ve communicated to her multiple times in the past few weeks, and knowing Iā€™ve technically helped her cheat even though the guys an asshole doesnā€™t make me feel good at all.
I care about her a lot, and I just see the potential she has, I know healing is a process, but it seems like the only time sheā€™s willing to do anything is if I tell her to do it, all she says when I ask her what sheā€™s been doing for 3 years Iā€™ve not been around is ā€˜just nothing hahaā€™ or ā€˜I donā€™t knowā€™.
She wonā€™t talk to her friends cos sheā€™s the ā€˜happy friendā€™ā€¦but sheā€™s never even tried talking to them, sheā€™s just bottled it all up and then as soon as Iā€™ve appeared again sheā€™s dumped everything on me and itā€™s a little bit draining, on top of the dragging me into her messy relationship by not telling me about the other guy straight away.
Yeah, pretty crazy, and idk if that all even makes sense Iā€™m sure you can grasp how messy it is from how all over the place that story is. Thereā€™s so much more to it but yeah, just needed to get it off my chest.
submitted by Reasonable-Figure300 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:19 Accomplished-Bend898 LPT: Don't let dating apps ruin dating for you

A lot of people constantly complain that dating apps suck, yet pretty much every single person I know is still on them. Why is that?
Theyā€™re not exactly optimized to meet quality people. Even the ā€œgoodā€ apps. They are meant to keep you on the app as much as possible. And then try to sell you the paid version with fake promises of more matches and better dates, etc. And they get a lot of vulnerable people on that.
A couple years ago I got out of a four year long relationship at 21 years old. I had no idea how to ā€œdateā€ in the real world, so naturally I turned to dating apps. They were incredibly addictive. Every day, I was shown a bunch of random girls, and need to make a split second decision on whether to swipe or not. It gave me so much anxiety. And the tens of conversations in your dms that go nowhere. And the small percentage of women I actually met up with, there was never a spark.
I realized this just isnā€™t how humans are meant to connect with people. It is so inhuman and frankly dystopian. I deleted all the dating apps. And pretty soon my dating life actually became great. I was meeting people organically way more - and I realized thatā€™s because I HAD to. With dating apps, there was always a reason not to go up to a new person, because you could just meet someone on an app. Not anymore, this is the only way!
And the quality of people I met went way up too. Makes sense when you can actually sense someoneā€™s vibe in person, rather than just see their photos and quirky bio. And I eventually met my girlfriend who Iā€™ve been with for over a year. Everything changed when I got off the apps.
But Iā€™m not a total hater. Dating apps can be great AS LONG as you have a healthy relationship with them. Just like social media, they can be extremely addicting. Here are my best tips to use dating apps in a positive way:
  1. Be selective with matches. Donā€™t swipe on someone unless you genuinely want to talk to them. Stop swiping willy nilly.
  2. Time-box your usage. Again, these things are very addicting. You should NOT be checking them compulsively all day. Just like people use screen time limits to reduce their social media use, you should do the same for dating apps. But built in screen time limits never worked for me because they're way too easy to ignore (why would you trust the company that gave you the phone addiction to give you the cureā€¦) There are much better independent screen time apps out there, like BePresent for example, that have more features and can gamify reducing your screen time in a way thatā€™s actually motivating. Try out different screen time apps and find one that works for you.. Itā€™s super effective and should help with time-boxing dating apps, as well as other doomscrolling apps.
  3. Move the conversation to text ASAP. Donā€™t live in the app. Move it to text soon, or stop talking.
  4. Make a plan to meet ASAP. Same basic tip as the last one. Move the thing to real life, donā€™t be juggling a bunch of endless boring conversations.
  5. Put yourself out there IRL. I think one of the biggest problems with the apps is that they disincentivize meeting people in real life. You now have more reasons not to approach that guy / girl in the bar, because you can just get a date on an app anyway. Donā€™t be like this! Meeting people the old fashioned way is still the best way to meet, in my opinion.
submitted by Accomplished-Bend898 to LifeProTips [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:19 Sorry_Membership7356 Suspected quiet BPD ex

We met in December through social media from the same area. I was in a place at that time after having 2 2 year relationships that ended when I was 21, I was ready to be open if something came along. I was single for 8 years. Initially I wasnā€™t 100% bought in on her. The lifestyle she portrayed on social media gave off the vibe she was like a fancy influencer which Iā€™m not a fan of. Had a bit of a social media presence. I had one myself for a few years but pulled back because I realized it wasnā€™t for me knowing the mental health effects of it. I expressed that I donā€™t care for social media anymore and want a low key life. She seemed cool though so I pursued it. Off the bat our convos were deep. She was reading our comparability. And then I took her out. First date she was already saying she was admiring me and obsessed with me. Found out later she texted a friend on the side and said she was going to marry me. She traveled for this social media stuff almost every weekend. She also had her real job. I still didnā€™t see this going anywhere due to her circumstances but I was interested after the date however I wasnā€™t 100% bought in. Thinking back now, I think maybe my gut was telling me not to pursue.
I was supposed to run a marathon in another state and she said she wanted to fly down (second time meeting) and spend the weekend with me. She did and thatā€™s when it started. I learned all her trauma. Everything moved so quickly that weekend. No relationship with family, father was a drug addict and left, mother was BPD and bipolar and so was the sister. Kicked her out at a young age was couch surfing for years. Never had a stable home. Didnā€™t seem to have any long term friends. Told me she had went to therapy and was all good but also told me she has fear of abandonment and ptsd. I thought she was squared away though and gave the benefit of the doubt. We already discussing futures together and the lovebombing started. Saying things to me no oneā€™s ever said or noticed. Long story short she traveled almost every weekend for the next month and a half and i really wasnā€™t a fan of it. Aside from not liking the influencer stuff, it was just not the type of relationship I was looking for. Never being able to plan. Only spending a couple hours during the week because we worked opposite schedules. This went on for the first 2 months. She was supposed to travel the first 3 weeks in March but wound up telling me sheā€™s having an identity crisis. Wants to stop traveling wants to stop on social media. Itā€™s bad for her mental health she used it as a distraction bc she had nothing else and now being with me she has a different perspective on life and has a reason to be home. She also said she used it for validation for herself bc her family never gave it to her and people only praised her for her success and i was the first person to love her for who she is. I thought that was awesome and wanted the best for her because she told me how bad it was affecting her. She canceled all her upcoming trips and was bought in on living present, pulling back from being on her phone because she was addicted to it and just enjoying life. Would constantly express to me how much healthier she is, eating more, sleeping better etc. told everyone she knew the same thing. Sheā€™d express how she used to ā€œself sabotageā€ with all this work. I would always say donā€™t do anything unless you truly want to and sheā€™d emphasize how she felt this way before me, I just gave her a different perspective on life and she doesnā€™t want to bury herself in work anymore because she doesnā€™t have a reason to distract herself.
This is when the clingy stuff started. She wanted to be with me every second of every day which for some reason i didnā€™t see as bad at first. She started getting separation anxiety when Iā€™d go to work and constantly fear that i was going to just abandon her. Sheā€™d take things and small jokes so seriously and somehow link it to me subliminally meaning i was going to leave her. If i wasnā€™t all over her in the morning she took it personal. Weā€™d wind up in arguments of me explaining what i meant and it would either end with her insisting i take her emotions into account or sheā€™d apologize but blame it on her past and fear of abandonment. I found myself completely losing myself constantly going above and beyond to show her how much i loved her and wasnā€™t going to leave her. Taking off of work spending time with her buying her things and also just constantly telling her and showing her love. It was never enough because when she had these spirals it was all forgotten about. Got to the point i was living with her basically and couldnā€™t go home and see my family without her coming.
Dealing with this for about 2 months fast forward to 3 weeks ago. A girl she met through social media deaded her out of nowhere and told her something she said she didnā€™t like. She remembered last time she spoke to her she was saying how she was pulling back from social media because it was bad for her mental health and how happy she is actually having a life outside of work and thinks this girl took that personal because social media is her life. She was upset but didnā€™t seem to distraught. I gave logical reasoning like If she can drop you like this clearly sheā€™s not someone important. I kept reassuring her she doesnā€™t need someone like that. If she was a real friend sheā€™d be happy for you. I made jokes about it that made her laugh. What i didnā€™t know until one night she was crying was that it triggered the abandonment issues and she was down another spiral and associating it with me leaving. Once i saw it was a big trigger i tried to really console her. Show her love and affection and be there for her. Everything seemed fine until a couple of days later. We woke up, i was tired maybe a little quiet (i really donā€™t know Iā€™m blaming myself) and we were talking like normal. She kept asking me whatā€™s wrong and i kept saying nothing nothing. I wound up leaving for work and i texted her. She was being very short with me until she just didnā€™t answer. Me thinking ok sheā€™s busy at work no big deal. Normally she would check in during the day at work. She didnā€™t. I was still like okay no problem until i saw she was checking social media. So after the entire day passes without hearing from her i finally reach out and was like whatā€™s the issue. I go based off patterns. Even when she was busy in the past sheā€™d check in and the only times she went quiet was when something was wrong. She claimed she was busy but i said ok you were checking social media and im sure if you were to screen shot your texts you were texting other people and i was the only one ignored bc she was always on her phone(not actually saying send me your texts, Iā€™ve never done that). She said that rubbed her the wrong way and we need to have a conversation. We hopped on the phone and BOOM everything came out. She needed me and i wasnā€™t there for her to comfort her i made jokes about it and didnā€™t take it seriously (i was there for her but didnā€™t realize the extent of why it was bothering her until she told me and i did everything i could to make her happy) then she started bringing up how she lost herself since sheā€™s been with me. She canā€™t post on social media freely anymore because she feels like im going to judge her even though it was her who made the decision to pull back and praised how much of great decision it was(not to mention she never stopped posting 3 times a day regardless of everything she said) I went to her place and all my stuff was out and ready to go. We spoke again and the same things came up. I donā€™t like social media and was pulling back myself so that means i donā€™t support her and how i wasnā€™t there for her emotionally. It was literally just a big mind f. Brought up like 2 or 3 other completely random things as well as excuses as to why she was leaving again contradicting things sheā€™s said or done. Anytime i would bring up but what about this and when i did this or said this or how you said this it was like deflected and didnā€™t matter. What matters is what she is perceiving and thatā€™s it. Like Iā€™m this horrible person who did nothing for her.
At first I blamed myself since this happened because I really donā€™t know what more i couldā€™ve done. I reached out to someone who Iā€™m friends with who knew her growing up and they told me that it seems like a reoccurring thing with her past friend ships and relationships that they all just ended randomly. It really messed with my head and I didnā€™t know how to deal with it. She isnā€™t diagnosed with anything as far as i know but itā€™s been brought to my attention about the BPD stuff and reading this forum a lot of the things are very familiar.
I know Iā€™m not perfect but after years of not wanting to commit to anyone or open up i finally did and i really meant how i felt for her and it hurt me so much that i could just be discarded like that. But Iā€™ve learned what it is and am accepting it for what it is. Iā€™m not a codependent person normally, never have been. But somehow fell into this savior role. I truly just cared for her and thought that maybe she had a bad upbringing but we can make the next chapters happy. I truly had good intentions. Been NC for almost 3 weeks now. Would never reach out i really donā€™t care how much it hurt. I have a great support system and a lot to look forward to. Thereā€™s good days and bad days but the bad days are getting less and less. I think back and I recall how uneasy I felt the whole time. I thought maybe it was me. But I truly think I just always suspected something wasnā€™t right.
Just wanted to tell my story and see if anyone had any advice or could relate in anyway.
submitted by Sorry_Membership7356 to BPDlovedones [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:17 rebelliousgas I (F39) and my fiancƩ (F30) are struggling due to MIL and childhood traumas. Help? PLEASE.

I (F30) have been with my fiancĆ© (F30) for four years now, weā€™ve known each other for 14 years throughout high school and even dated a bit back then but we rekindled during covid.
Iā€™ve never been more sure about someone in my life. And it felt reciprocated until recently.
My fiancĆ© has had a really rough childhood. Narsacistic parents who gaslight and guilt her up until this day. Mainly her mother since her father isnā€™t around much they talk about once a year so this relationship doesnā€™t impact her much. But her relationship with her mom is something i donā€™t understand. Examples are, her mother will ask her if she can use her credit cards, and has put her under the rent lease, FPL, and has completely wrecked her credit. She has abusive partners and expects my fiancĆ© to go run out the door and save her basically whenever something escalates (my partner will run out the door at even at 3 AM to go help).
I question this behavior but she tells me she feels her mother is her child basically and sheā€™s upset with her but feels if she doesnā€™t go her mom will be upset with her and that will give her immense anxiety and guilt for being a ā€œbad daughterā€ and that this will temporarily keep the peace. I personally donā€™t understand this, and i explain to her to place some boundaries with her and that i think thatā€™d be good for her in the long run.
She agrees her mother is not well but since sheā€™s the only one she speaks to she needs to be there for here. (All family and friends have distanced themselves) the last straw for them was when she falsely stated that my fiancĆ© has brain cancer. (This is one scenario of many). Her mom would also tell her not to go to school to help her with work instead. Sheā€™d have her little boyfriends pick her up from school because sheā€™d be too busy working. When we got together sheā€™d been sick a few times and i h took her to the hospital but when i would pull up to her house her mom would have alligator tears yelling ā€œ my poor daughter!! Omg she feels bad can you take her tho Iā€™m working?ā€ Or this one time when my girl got in a car accident and felt as if glass were in her stomach and her mom said ā€œwhen you coming home? Thereā€™s a lot of work we need to catch up onā€. Or when her mom rented out a room to a drug addict who would steal their medicine and my girlfriend had to leave her house and lock her room with an external lock so these degenerates donā€™t enter her room again to steal her medications. And when we moved out she has made it clear that she would need to pay rent for a room. (Iā€™m not used to this and i donā€™t understand that) Or when her mom texts her a long text saying in all the ways sheā€™s ā€œbeen a motherā€ to her and she canā€™t sign a mortgage for her is so terrible. This one was my last straw. Iā€™m tired of seeing my girl emotionally drained and crying about this.
This behavior worries me a lot, i want to support her but i wonder if and when we have a family, will you just up and leave the moment your mom calls with a situation she brought onto herself? These situations are frequent and Iā€™m getting to a point where Iā€™m becoming very frustrated yet want to be a supportive partner. Iā€™m feeling exhausted..
I sat down with my partner and express how unhappy i felt and she expressed sheā€™s unhappy too. She understands entirely where Iā€™m coming from but says putting boundaries with her mom is something she canā€™t do, that the guilt will take over and she hopes to improve the relationship with her. Every phone call they have causes her to sit and disassociate, itā€™s affecting her bad.
I know my girl is feeling resentment towards me because i want to distance ourselves from her mother, she is going to completely ruin my partners life, sheā€™s already wrecked her mental and emotional health, as well as physically. She has fibromyalgia her whole life, up until we moved out together a year ago. I donā€™t allow her mom to come into our home and i donā€™t want to speak to her at all. Iā€™ll send her a gif via text for some holidays and thatā€™s about the extent of my communication with her, which feels like a lot already.
So overall, Iā€™m here seeking advice because our relationship is on the verge of disappearing due to this. I adore this girl. I want to protect her from this situation but she needs to want to protect herself too. Sheā€™s starting therapy now. But what can i do during this time to support her but not give in to her mother?
submitted by rebelliousgas to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:02 bbepis__ Need some advice regarding supplements and tips in general!

Hello!
I'm 19, almost 20 years old and I've been diagnosed with PCOS for about 2 years and a half and insulin resistance for about 1 year. My doctors have explained to me that my PCOS was caused by very rapid and excessive weight gain and that my periods stopped because of the large amount of weight that's "suffocating" my uterus. Basically, I had a few months at the end of 2021 and beginning of 2022 where I would eat a lot of fast food, at least several times a week. My weight very quickly balooned and I gained a whopping 100 lbs in about 4-5 months. I then started having PCOS symptoms: I had a 2 month long heavy period, then I stopped having periods altogether. I've managed to get my period for the last 6 months only because I took Duphaston. I've been off it this month and my period is almost 2 weeks late. I've confirmed I'm not pregnant, so it is indeed because of PCOS.
I've been maintaining my weight (about 275 lbs) for about 2 years and the consequences of that keep hitting me harder and harder. I now suffer from chronic back pain and, sometimes, fatigue. I'm usually a very bubbly person who has the motivation to go out and do stuff, such as running errands around town, but my chronic pain has begun hindering me. I've tried losing the weight and reversing my PCOS many, many times but I don't seem to be able to stay consistent. I tried taking metformin for a few months but I got off of it solely because of the GI issues. I couldn't stand the constant anxiety of getting violent bouts of diarrhea when I was out of the house. It helped me lose 10-15 lbs, but it stopped there. That was my fault as well, I could never stay consistent in my diet. I motivate myself to eat very healthy and get enough physical activity quite frequently, but it lasts a maximum of 3 days. Then it's back to strong cravings, fast food and especially sugar, which is the death of me.
Do you have any tips on what supplements might make this process of losing weight and reversing my symptoms (especially insulin resistance) easier? I used to take vitamin D and myo-inositol but I stopped. Myo-inositol got way too expensive for me, and as for vitamin D, I just stopped taking it randomly because, as I mentioned above, I can't stay consistent at all for some reason. I hate all the issues I now have to face because of my poor health choices. I want to get healthy and what scares me is that it's going to be a very, very long and painful process. I would absolutely love some advice and encouraging words. I'm at rock bottom and my quality of life has never been worse. I lack any ounce of consistency and I feel like a failure.
Thank you, and I hope to hear some encouragement from y'all! <3
submitted by bbepis__ to PCOS [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:00 AutoModerator CredibleDefense Daily MegaThread May 19, 2024

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submitted by AutoModerator to CredibleDefense [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 13:42 SuddenBag7701 Introduction / Vent / Fear

Hello.. So Iā€™m 33 now back in 2018 I found out that I had literally 0 sperm in my ejaculate and man it was devastating, I also had low T , normal LH and slightly elevated FSH. I also had an ultrasound that showed I had vericoceles that were high grade , because my right testicle is normal size and left is slightly atrophied. The doctor did the operation on them and gave me clomid for 3 months to recheck and I did and nothing came back so I was fed up and upset. I wasnā€™t even with anyone at the time but it was frustrating that I felt I wasnā€™t getting answers to the why ! Like why! You would know looking at me Iā€™m 6 1 , good build , my parts are good shape like not to brag but Iā€™m a solid 7 ā€¦ but It consumed me I went to Penn and was told Iā€™d have a 60% for FNA or mtese .. but said to come back when Iā€™m with someone serious / wife .. I dated rounds for years since then but nothing worked out I eventually moved back home for a bit to save money to buy a home I kinda felt like oh she wonā€™t wanna be with me for my fertility issues so I kinda focused on myself and other passions like my dog , saving for house . I have a lot of friends some are married with kids or on way , some still single like me and I have a beautiful niece and nephew and a god son form another friend. Then recently I went back to urologist cause I wanted to know where I was at again so they did an ultrasound and my nuts grew ! Which is great they are normal size now Alberto lefty still smaller ā€¦ but the ultrasound also found a new 2-3 mm intratesticilar avascular hypoechoic cyst very small so my doctors want to keep an eye on it but Iā€™m constantly freaking out that it will be cancer I had 2 ultrasounds a month apart that showed no signs of changes or malignancy I even had tumor markers done and a CT scan cause I have bad health anxiety, even did xray on chest and heat and all sorts of urine and bloodwork . Only thing I have is kidney stone. Iā€™m still scared that this will turn into cancer or that itā€™s some rare cancer I have a recheck in August and Iā€™m scared I donā€™t want to lose what Iā€™ve been trying to fix best I can. I also donā€™t want Cancer so .. I canā€™t keep thinking it will metastasize .. I donā€™t have any Klinefelters they checked while bloood and no Y deletion im 46xy.. itā€™s just like idk what to do I have goals and stuff and I canā€™t help but think I canā€™t live my life cause I catastrophize thinking oh because I got this rare thing then Iā€™ll get a terrible incurable cancer and Iā€™m toast. I kept reading articles about increased risk for cancers or cysts / nodules for infertile men / azo men and Iā€™m thinking oh fuck here we go .. my doctor told me donā€™t do that and I never had underfunded testes. / klinefelters or Y deletion either But my doctors say itā€™s a cyst Iā€™m a healthy young individual , I wanna buy a housei want to date again. I regret feeling inadequate a few years back and wish I manned up to my GF at the time and just did whatever it took to have kids and I feel left out sometimes when Iā€™m with my friend a at their house and they are getting married or ave kids and then there is me and it sucks and I w ant to be able to live and have that for my own no matter what it takes with some one I love and this cyst in my testicle have been a real mind fuck for past 2 months like idk how long Iā€™ve even had this in the past 6 years ā€¦ Iā€™m glad I found it and Iā€™ve been told itā€™s super common random population youā€™d find it but then again with my fertility issues Iā€™m scared itā€™s tied to that and Iā€™m going insane .. not sleeping , worrying , canā€™t enjoy things I used toā€¦.. advice , help please , I was atleast ok with my circumstances but now Iā€™m afraid I lose all that too cause of this cyst that I think is cancer even though the doctors tell me it looks like a. Cyst and there is no concern for malignancy.. my therapist says to focus on the facts but I like to think long term and this is getting hard for me and I just want to know Iā€™ll be okay and not have to constantly worry about this like I have been
submitted by SuddenBag7701 to maleinfertility [link] [comments]


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