Football poems

Monday is the first day of the work week that many people dread. Not all people dread it, but some. Let's take a look into the Numerology of Monday to decode the energy and what it can be used for to work with it and not against it.
M - this is the 13th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 4. The energy of 1 is action and the energy of 3 is connecting with others through collaboration. This puts a focus on responsibilities and for most people, it's a work or school day which connects with this. Although it is about being responsible, it's still the energy of 4 which is mellow and controlled energy. O - this is the 15th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 6 which is about using your creativity constructively to take care of the tasks or duties you need to take care of. 6 is the number of beauty, duty, and routine. N - 14th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 5. This is about using your energy to be responsible and making space for enjoyment while doing so. 14 is a karmic number, but not when used correctly. As a karmic number, 14 is about someone who ditched their responsibilities and now have to deal with some challeneges(5). Proper use of this energy is using it for creative purposes. D - 4th letter vibrating at the purest energy of 4 which is about calmness, caution, and security. A - vibrating at 1 as the first letter of the alphabet, this is about action and energy. Y - The 25th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 7, but through cooperation with others(2) and compassion for others(2) and with the use of creativity (5) or even humor(5). Big lover energy as 5 can point to romance and 2 can point to soulmates.
Monday full numerology comes down to 8 and 8 can represent long and drawn out processes, wait times, and pressure. The dreadful energy can be moreso due to this 8 energy. People can work with this energy by being patient as 8 points to tedious tasks. With this insight, you can now simply start expected a little time in between things and pacing yourself. It can seem like a long day or your duties may be plentiful.
This is a day best utilized in a constructive (8) way with the use of wisdom and calculation(7). The 7 is the soul urge influence of Monday based on the vowels. 2 vowels A and O which equals 7. Being calculating and seeking depth will allow you to master the energy of Monday. Use this day to get the most done with your projects or workloads.
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I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

General
I am looking for a lady between 28 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I tried to be as concise as possible while still providing what details I think are crucial to know; I realise this post turned out very long, but I prefer those because I can get as good an idea as possible with detailed descriptions, bar actually talking to the person, and find that very valuable, so if that also applies to you, that would be awesome.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I am looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and sexual compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, sexual compatibility. I have a high libido and I have kinks, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy them together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, sexual fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

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I know that the title sounds ridiculous and that many will say that 16 is still very young. But for some reason it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm just constantly trying to catch up with time. I don't have anything that I'm passionate about. Sometimes I'll get intrested in something, daydream about becoming some great next thing , and then the flame just burns out. I'm so jealous of people who have a passion that they can stick to. I know many people around me who have something like this, and I feel like I'm behind them because I don't. In fact, many people in my class are very accomplished people. Two girls in my girls do ballet and dance in a theatre. Another girl in my class does competitive dancing. A guy from my class plays football and is also a math genius. Another plays tennis and travels a lot. I have a few people in my class who draw. Some sing and play instruments. A girl from a higher class that I'm acquaintances with plays in theatre. Another girl that I know, was awarded last year by our city as the most accomplished student. She was also the school president last year, was a part of the debates team, and a part of youth city council.
I could probably list more but I think you get it. Everyone around me is so accomplished, has something that they are passionate about while I feel like I have nothing. Whenever I find something that I think must be it, I end up losing intrest after awhile.
I took swimming classes for about 7 years. ( wasn't really something that I was passionate about. It's my parents that signed up ). I have tried learning a new language but always end up quitting for some reason. Currently I can only my native and English.
I used to draw a lot back when I was like 10/11 and watched a lot of tutorials on yt but nothing ever came out of it. I kind of stopped being intrested in it and now I'll draw something once every few months.
I also wanted to write my own book. ( I kind of still want to tbh ). But I feel like I can never form a good enough idea. In terms of writing, I also songwrite sometimes. I don't do it super often. And I'm more often than not dissatisfied with what I write.
Took guitar classes for about 2 years. I quit as the classes focused mainly on playing classical music. While I just wanted to know enough to be able to play the songs that I like. Right now, I barely play. I go through phases when I play guitar non stop for a few weeks , put it down and then won't even touch it for the next few monts. Not to mention my playing is extremely mediocre.
I used to sing too. I was in the church choir from when I was 8 up to when I was 10. I started taking singing classes when I was in 5th grade and resigned this year. It was a hard decision but next year I'll be starting the IB program. And I know from my teachers , and people in classes above me how hard it can be. I'll be taking chemistry, biology and english for HL and math , native and psycholoy for SL. And unfortunately with chemistry, I've heard that the two teachers we have are not the best at teaching. Which means that I'll have to study a lot on my own. This year I already struggled with trying to with mingling singing with all my school work and other responsibilities. And at the end decided that it's just not possible for me.
I was in the debates team this year. We managed to get second place in a national tournament. Unfortunately, I also won't continue next year. This was extremely time consuming and caused me a lot of stress. And next year I want to focus mainly on my studies. Maybe I'll take part in some single competitions but I'm not too sure about it yet.
Everything that I do just seems to ends after sometime. And it just frustrates me so much. I always wanted to be an accomplished person. When I was little, I used to be a " performer ", that's what my family memebrs always tell me. I would sing, dance, recite poems and make my own plays for them too watch. I remember some of them joking that I'm going to be a star. From people in my elementary I heard similiar things.
Nowdays I just hear that I used to be more out there. That I don't sing anymore. That I'm not as loud as I used to be. Sometimes I think that the reason why I can't get into anything is because my true passion is just trying to impress other people.
After I graduate, I'd like to study medicine to become a psychiatrist. My dream univeristy is Oxford. Which I know sounds ridiculous, knowing that I don't have the money to pay for the tution. I've heard of something called a full ride scholarship. Which apparently covers all the school expenses. But I've also heard that it's almost impossible to get. And that you really need to stand out to be able to get it. So as much as I want it, I know that it's probably not possible for me.
Right now, I'm trying to learn japanese. And I've also been thinking recently of learning how to figure skate. I'm not thinking of signing up to any class, I just want to try it on my own so I won't have anything obligations. I'm hoping that this time it'll work
I know this post is all over the place probably but I just wanted to say everything that's on my mind.

I'm a pretty stereotypical guy if you ask me, I like sports and I've been doing all that shit for as long as I can remember and I think I'm fine with that, but I found this poem very interesting and I want to share it with you guys, mainly because of the time when it was written. Please leave your opinion, the fact that it completely follows the stereotypes of that time and that somehow they are still valid in the minds of some people is what makes it good I guess, I think it would especially suit those who say "I can still be trans if" yes.
《I’m Not a Man
I’m not a man, I can’t earn a living, buy new things for my family. I have acne and a small peter.
I’m not a man. I don’t like football, boxing and cars. I like to express my feeling. I even like to put an arm around my friend’s shoulder.
I’m not a man. I won’t play the role assigned to me- the role created by Madison Avenue, Playboy, Hollywood and Oliver Cromwell, Television does not dictate my behavior.
I’m not a man. Once when I shot a squirrel I swore that I would never kill again. I gave up meat. The sight of blood makes me sick. I like flowers.
I’m not a man. I went to prison resisting the draft. I do not fight when real men beat me up and call me queer. I dislike violence.
I’m not a man. I have never raped a woman. I don’t hate blacks. I do not get emotional when the flag is waved. I do not think I should love America or leave it. I think I should laugh at it.
I’m not a man. I have never had the clap.
I’m not a man. Playboy is not my favorite magazine.
I’m not a man. I cry when I’m unhappy.
I’m not a man. I do not feel superior to women
I’m not a man. I don’t wear a jockstrap.
I’m not a man. I write poetry.
I’m not a man. I meditate on peace and love.
I’m not a man. I don’t want to destroy you.》
Harold Norse, 1972.

I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

General
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable, curious and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that.
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

I am sharing this as an emotional outlet among other siblings in christ 

My Experience It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

My Experience 

It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

General
I am looking for a lady between 28 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I tried to be as concise as possible while still providing what details I think are crucial to know; I realise this post turned out very long, but I prefer those because I can get as good an idea as possible with detailed descriptions, bar actually talking to the person, and find that very valuable, so if that also applies to you, that would be awesome.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I am looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and sexual compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, sexual compatibility. I have a high libido and I have kinks, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy them together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, sexual fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

Show bible - The children’s deadly escape room.
As many children are kidnapped in a science museum from a 'failed' experiment, they don’t know where they are. All they know is that they were at a birthday party then they were dragged through a portal.
This story takes place in multiple episodes around the world. Some rooms take one child back in time to a horrible place.This place has a sinister,creepy but joke-like environment. At some places there may be dark humour,mainly near-death moments.
The theme is a dangerous environment and quick mental solving as it is a deadly escape room.
A few main characters are:
Heather Colldun - She is a joyful but smart person. She is a true asset to the team. She wears a purple top and a blue skirt. She likes big problems.
Aledime Slayer - A mean and sarcastic girl. Not everyone likes her. Her only friend is Violet Westre. She wears a green top with black trousers. She likes bullying.
Violet Westre - The actual leader of the escape rooms. A shy but very logical girl. A good liar. She wears a turquoise shirt and yellow skirt. She likes poems.
Lucas Tredness - A sports person. He comes in handy when a long run is needed. He wears a red tracksuit. He likes sports.
Lucy Extrel - A character with cancer who has daily medicine provided by the escape room who is friends with every kind person. She likes to wear a wig but everyone accepts her for not having hair. She wears a Green top with a lilac skirt. She likes art.
Season 1
The children (30 or 31) don’t know where they are. They have multiple of the same clothes to wear everyday they stay in the escape rooms. They are well-fed and have bunk beds to sleep on. The escape rooms have an uneasy feel to them. The children feel like they’re being watched (by the viewer) but the children don’t know they’re being watched.
Episode summary
Ep.1 Jump It!
The first episode/challenge of the show. The children are unsuspecting that it is dangerous until one kid dies by drowning. The children soon realise that it is truly serious. The escape room consists of a tube underwater that has a 5-number lock on it. Violet was the key for the escape this time.
Ep.2 Dangerous Dodgeball
In this episode some is revealed. Where is it set? How do they get their infinite food? This episode is set in a giant glass hall where the remaining kids play dodgeball. One character breaks the rules and finds a hidden room. This shows that it is set everywhere on the globe and the food supply is infinite.
Ep.3 Footie Football
In this episode, the kids play a game of murderous football where if the children cheat, they die. Creating a fair game of football. The losing team dies. Half of the children who are dead get replaced by sleeping children.
Ep.4 Malicious Mazes
Red - Instant death Yellow - 1 question
Purple - 2 questions Green - safe
Once a red tile is touched (or killed someone) then it is inactive so it can only kill one person. They can only move left, back, forward and right. It takes a long time to complete. Each question is a multiple choice.
Ep.5 Realistic Rodeo
In this episode, all the remaining and alive kids come to real life and face a problem in a school. It takes place at night at a high school where security guards will shoot anyone on sight, it is possible to lose them but it takes a while.
Ep.7 Assastionation Allowance
In this episode, the remaining children have to kill a target
For example: Violet Westre has a target on Aledime Slayer meanwhile Aledime has a target on Violet Westre. At this point only a few kids remain. The children seem to have had a target on their friends.
Possibly more. I'm not sure about more ideas.
The final episode - Freedom Fighters
In this episode the kids find the leader's base and battle's Violet and her guards. The episode ends with one of the kids getting out of a guard outfit and stabbing Violet with a dart from a dartboard from one of the rooms.
For example, it could be like:
Violet: Ha! I still HAVE a guard.
Heather: Don't be too sure, Violet Westre.
Violet: What do you mean? I have control of all the rules.
New shy kid: Well today, The rules are DIFFERENT!
He Stabs Violet.
Violet: Gah! Fine! I'll tell you about the room's origins! Okay? You *CENSOR*. So, there was one reason these exist. I made it... ah... to strengthen your abilities...
Heather: You killed SO many people!

I'm Cis - Gay M-22. I moved to Bengaluru this January for studies (I'm originally from Mumbai). Im honestly enjoying my life in Bengaluru and the recently found freedom and the whole new adult identity. I found my BF ( Bi - 24 ) on Grindr. We are enrolled in the same college. We started off with sex but slowly developed bonding. Slowly the sex - nights turned into date nights aaur we started dating quickly .Like by mid January we were dating. He is warm, intellectual and very charming. We shared similar hobbies working out, trekking, reading. Overall a sweetheart.
As we are in the same college we mostly used to hangout together , and we have common friend circle of 12 people. So hua yeh ki I outed myself accidently on WhatsApp group while arguing with few 'friends' about the gay marriage verdict. I don't regret it , but it's not how I anticipated it. My 'friends' were cool with it atleast that's how they presented it to me.
My Bf is not out of closet. Since we hangout together most of times our friends used to catcall us that we were dating. And ekbaar hua kya we went to a cafe waha pe humare uni ke thode log saw us. They told everyone that we were on a date. My Bf to the world is a buff - Straight man. He hates when someone says we are dating. He Doesn't like gay men , that's what he says to them. But let me tell you when this guy is with me alone he is the sweetest person. He ties my shoe laces, writes poems for me (about me), buys me flowers.
So my Bf is really obessed with football. And his team (majority of them are from my friend circle) practices every Friday evening. So Aaj i decided to go and see him practice football after my workout. They do this ritual ki after the game the team and their girlfriends go out to eat yaa go to watch a movie aaisa kuch. My bf and another guy from his team usually don't accompany anyone. When I reached the ground I tried calling my BF par he didnot pick up. I went in and sat near the podium jaha pe mere friends were sitting. Now everyone started teasing ki tu aapne bf ko dekhne aaya hai and stuff. Tab idk why was he so angry he said to his friends ki iss 'chkke ko me kyu hi date kru me tumhe iss jaisa gndu lagta hu kya?' and all my 'friends' started giggling. I left the ground crying. Usske baad when I was going home he called me and told me ki ' you deserved the beating you used to get by your father ' (my father used to beat me with belt in my childhood because I was effiminate) along with rant. When I picked up his calls pehele I thought of apologizing to him kyuki I never thought me vaha aaunga toh he will be so triggered but after he told me this I hung up on the call. He is trying to call me even right now when I'm writing this post. He has sent me atleast 60 texts on wp. From what I see on the notification bar it him apologizing.
I'm not sure exactly what I should be doing?. I don't really have 'friends' to ask this too. So I'm asking you guys. Please help me get a lead on this situation.

For context, Hard Quiz is an Australian quiz show where the contestants bring a specialist subject topic. I hope this can bring a little bit of fun to your day. Here are the questions:
Expert Round

1. Lana Del Rey was raised in New York as Elizabeth Grant, and was sent to boarding school in Connecticut at 14 years old to help with what substance-abuse issue? Alcohol
2. Lana says her 2012 breakthrough hit, Video Games, was written while dating a fan of what massively popular online role-playing game? World of Warcraft
3. A football supporter for over a decade, Lana contributed a cover of the song You'll Never Walk Alone to a documentary about which Premier League club? Liverpool
4. Ranking the 200 best albums over 25 years, online music magazine Pitchfork placed Lana Del Rey at 17, with an album named for which revered American painter? Norman Rockwell
5. During Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding celebrations, Lana performed Young and Beautiful, a song she co-wrote and recorded for which Baz Luhrmann film? The Great Gatsby

Final Round

1. Lana's 2023 album, Did You Know That There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd, was advertised ahead of release with only one billboard in Tulsa, Oklahoma for what reason? Her ex-boyfriend lives there
2. During the Me Too movement in 2017, Lana confirmed that she had previously written lyrics inspired by Harvey Weinstein and would therefore cease performing which of her songs? Cola
3. In the music video for High By The Beach, Lana shoots down a helicopter with a bazooka that she was storing in what? A guitar case
4. Lana Del Rey told Vogue Korea that it took three years to complete which track that was originally titled Sylvia Plath? Hope Is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me to Have – but I Have It
5. The title of Lana's poetry collection Violet Bent Backwards over the Grass is taken from the first poem she wrote for it. In the next line of that poem, what does Violet have grasped in her hand? Dandelions

Based on the responses here’s how people deal with boredom or lack of inspiration:
1) Trying something new: "Learn something new (language, instrument, sport, something academic, craft, skill etc)"
"… , or trying out a new hobby"
"Mix with different people than you usually do, go to a place you've never been before, do something you aren't confident at doing."
2) Community/socializing: "Also, look around to find out what is available in your area. What events are there? What clubs? What interesting things?"
"Meeting new people or an idea for a blog post or a photo collection"
3) Exploring local history and culture: "... visit a local museum, or take a historic walking tour".
"… . You never know when a tidbit from the past can inspire your next big project or adventure."
4) Physical activities: "... . Go for a walk, or a dance, or do yoga, or go climbing, or cycle, or swim, or play football".
5) Creative projects: "Be creative. Make something. Build a boat, paint a picture, play with plasticine, cook something challenging, write a poem".
6) Digital pastimes: "go on reddit", "Video games".
7) Personal care and downtime: "sleep"; "Clean"
"... Play some games, watch some TV, read some books".
"... such as taking a walk, reading, listening to music"
"Stare blankly into the fridge and eat...don't we all do that?" :)
"Just stare at the ceiling and let thoughts to flow in"
Here is the original thread.
Here you can find more ways on how to beat boredom and feel inspired.

Welcome to the general /Championship discussion thread!

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Hi everyone ! Before i start i justed wanted to say i'm happy to be here because i discovered a good amount of greats Emo records in this sub, thanks to this community. You guys are great, really educated about the scene plus you're funny af xD
Anyway, greetings everyone, my name's Alice. I'm from France ! I'm into Emo music, Poetry (i also write my own poems), i love going to screamo/post-hardcore concerts near the city centre and watch cartoons/movies and Animes !
I wanted to get this off my chest for quite a while so here goes ! I wanna talk about the contradictions/flaws concerning the arguments defining the Emotional Hardcore scene. Now before you attack me and say i wasn't there to experience whatever or some shit, i'm not trying to disregard the history of Emo music in any way.
Eor months (even before i entered this subreddit) i studied the subculture and the evolution of the scene, i came accross many YT videos and i wanted to find new albums so that's why i'm here. Since my arrival here, i was always checking to see if the bands i cherished were actually considered a part of the scene. Eventually i found that a good portion of the redditors here were showing disdain at the Third Wave Bands from the 2000's and even more to the Emo Rappers.
I wanted to writed this to give you my point of view on the subject matter. I thought that it would be great for me to share how i see it. Just to clarify, i'm into Emo-Pop and Emo Post-Hardcore (which some of you call mallcore. My favourite bands are: Alesana, Pierce The Veil, Senses Fails, Silverstein, Chiodos, Taking Back Sunday, Mayday Parade, MCR, Thursday, Flyleaf, Scaring Kids Scaring Kids, Hope Dies Last, Eyes Set To Kill
Funny enough i also love Midwest and Emocore bands. Here are my standouts:
( Midwest: Cap N Jazz, Modern Baseball, SDRE, The Promise Ring, Modern Baseball, American Football, The Hotelier)
(Emocore: Embrace [my favorite out of all of them], Moss Icon, Gray Matter and Gauge)
But i digress, i noticed there's a contradiction in most arguments coming from both of musicians and the fans of the scene, i will try to understand all of the points you guys argumented in this sub without going to much in detail as much as possible, so here we go.

• 1- Third Wave: being called fake emo or Mallcore

First off i wanna talk about the biggest elephant in the room. Can you guys explain in what way the Emo-pop and Emo Post-Hardcore bands are not Emo? I noticed a recuring pattern that says that bands like My Chemical Romance, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Fall out Boy are not Emo because either:
A- they're from a major label
B- Their music is not considered Emo (which you need to remember means Emotional Hardcore (just without the core part)
All of theses bands are Post-Hardcore ones and yes maybe they're not 90's Post-Hardcore Bands that's why i use the word Emo Post-Hardcore. They're Post-hardcore bands that were influenced by Emo, Pop Punk and Post-Hardcore bands. I think this helps breaks the confusion everyone has with the "Post-Hardcore" term.
However if others bands are Emo-Pop they STILL have Post-Hardcore roots (not HARDCORE ROOTS) even if they're from a major label, even if they're mainstream that doesn't remove the fact thaty're an EMO POST-HARDCORE which is something entirely different than regular Post-Hardcore or regular Emotional Hardcore bands.
They're between the lines of these two, that's the nuance that i want to show you. We should NOT OVERLOOK that they still have hardcore into their sound, they got the speed, they got the guitars, the distortion, the desperate vocals, the only difference between a MCR, FOB, The Used song and a The Get Up Kids songs is the polished studio mix and mastering.

• 2- What does Emotion Hardcore mean ?!
  I think part of the problem who confuses everyone comes from the original tag itself. The thrasher magazine used to call Emo-core bands likes Embrace. And honestly the the genre's name is too MUCH VAGUE ! In French:
  

Emotional: In relation to emotions.
On the other hand, in America/UK you guys have a different meaning of the word "Emotional". There's a cultural difference.
In English means: If someone is or becomes emotional, they show their feelings very openly, especially, because they are upset.
But why does being Emotional only comes from a place of sadness? And why should Emo music be the only music genre that provides this such harsh feeling ?
My answer is that it only works in the context of the Hardcore scene + the socialpolitical context. Being quote on quote "EMOTIONAL" was seen as fragile/weak in the Hardcore scene, you could only talk about Politics because that's whats the Hardcore Punk was about. So that's why in context, in the 80's "Emotional" was such controversial ! And it still is to this day, mens all around the worlds are scared to show dispair and sadness.
The problem is, every musical genre can be used to display sadness, hate, anger, etc. Plus Emotional Hardcore does not mean: "Hardcore Punk without the political themes, that talks about negative feelings". It means: "the CENTER of Hard Emotions". EMOTIONAL. TO. THE. CORE. That's the meaning of the word "Hardcore".
Therefore you should see Emotional Hardcore as way of being Emotional without social norms, without political norms, without any others obstacles. The Emotions of sorrow ARE THE CORE of the musical genre and since it doesn't tries to be fancy or socially acceptable in our society, it's gonna be insulted and made fun of. THAT'S WHY people hate Emotional Hardcore, it's dark, it's in your face, it's disgusting, it's tragic, and theses emotions, these negatives traits represent a taboo. It's against any social and acceptable status-quo.
To make it simple: Every musical genre provide a variety of Emotions. But that's the way that EMO does it that's different from the rest of it. It's the sincerity, the honesty behind it that makes it so much scary and intimidating. The intimacy is far too strong for casual or sensitive people to tolerate.

• 3- The arguments of the influences

Another point that i always see is that Emo bands can only be defined as Emo if they were touring with other legimitate bands of the genre of if they were influenced by them. This argument doesn't fucking make sense at all. In some sense, i agree with it BUT ONLY if you can hear it the resemblance.
How the fuck midwest bands were influenced by 1st wave Emotional Hardcore bands like Rites Of Spring? There's no remotely a similarity between the two ! And btw, how exactly are they hardcore in the same way of the first hardcore bands? In terms, of lyrics and singing, maybe but in terms of sounds, no.
In fact, i'd argue that Emo Post-Hardcore bands are more CLOSER to the sound of Emotional Hardcore from the 80's than the Midwest Wave of the 90's, but that's just me i guess. The problem is that all of you only define an Emo band/artist by influences and vague resemblance to the hardcore sound. But it's nonsense.
If Taylor Swift said she was influenced by Moss Icon would you categorize her music Emo? Would you call her "Emocore" if she was touring with all these obscure Hardcore Bands ? I don't think so...
For example, Michael Jackson said that he was influenced by james brown. Sur they maybe have simikarities in terms of singins or dancing but NOT in terms of SOUND !
Sound Influence is the only type of influence we could judge and agree on some musician legitimacy.

• 4- Bands refuting that they're an Emo band

This one will not be long but i just wanted to say JUST BECAUSE AN ARTIST SAYS HE'S NOT FROM A CERTAIN SCENE OAND MUSICAL GENRE DOES NOT MEAN IT'S TRUE !
Robert Smith said that The Cure is not an Goth Band even though they literally made Pornography.
Same here. The musicians DO NOT CARE ABOUT LABELS AS MUCH AS WE DO They're supposed to just make the music, the rest is superficial to them.
5- What makes a song Emo
I listened to all the Emo waves from now to all way back in the 80's. And it's safe to say THERE ARE ways to tell True and Fake Emo songs apart:

1. The lyrics are confessional similar to the Elegy (a special type of poetry)
2. The themes are around sadness, anger and pain
3. The singing is desperate/whiny
4. THE MUSIC FUCKING KICKS ASS lol

I'm putting this together to contexutalise the album for anyone confused or wondering what it addresses and what it all mean.
Song Subject Matter:

• Matty: Tortured Poets, Down Bad, But Daddy, Fresh Out The Slammer, Florida, Guilty As Sin, I Can Fix Him, Smallest Man, The Black Dog
• Joe: My Boy, So Long London
• Both: loml, getyouback, Chloe and friends, How Did It End?, Peter, I Can Do It, Fortnight
• TK: The Alchemy, So High School, The Albatross (IMO)
• General: The Prophecy, The Manuscript, I Hate It Here
• Fame: But Daddy, Who's Afraid, I Can Do It, Clara Bow, The Albatross, How Did It End, I Hate It Here, Thank You Aimee, I Look In People's Windows, The Prophecy, Cassandra, The Manuscript
• I could almost put I Hate It Here in every category.

FIRST:
*** Read Taylor's prologue and Stevie Nick's poem here, both very telling (Basically maps out her two breakups very clearly, especially the phrase "Out of the oven and into the microwave") ***
Shoutout to this 2014-2024 timeline, recommend reading it first.
Let's Begin:
2014: Taylor and Matty meet when Taylor attends numerous 1975 concerts. By November, Matty is dedicating songs to her and dating rumours are flying. Then it seems to end as quickly as it began, Matty's tone shifts and he denies the dating rumours. IMO the title track of Tortured Poets Department is based around this period of time or wanting to evoke how this time felt.
2015: Taylor and Matty attend the Brit Awards, the same night Taylor meets Calvin Harris. Could this be what Question is referring to? ("Did you realise, out of time, she was on your mind with some dickhead guy that you saw that night, but you were on something..."). Throughout 2015, whenever Matty is asked to comment on Taylor he says some variation of "nothing really happened/I found her fame intimidating".
2016: Matty makes his infamous "emasculating" comment (and is still intimidated by her fame): "[I would fear losing myself in a relationship], absolutely. If I had gone out with Taylor Swift I would’ve been...f-cking hell! I am NOT being Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. You know FUCK THAT. That’s also a man thing, a de-masculinating, emasculating thing.” The interviewer clarified she didn't feel he was being sexist, but making a broader point about being primarily known for dating someone (more) famous, rather than your own art. I wonder now if the Question lyric "Politics and gender roles, you're not sure and I don't know" is referencing this, too.
2019: In August, Lover is released and, amongst the numerous love songs about Joe, there is a thread of anxiety and frequent fighting throughout the album. The Lover video depicts her partner possibly flirting with another woman. Taylor says the chorus of Lover comes from a place of fear about losing someone. Cornelia Street expresses similar. False God talks about using intimacy to repair big fights. Taylor reveals she had nightmares after watching the film Someone Great, about a 9 year relationship that ends when the man falls out of love (as well as stress caused by the woman's career). Taylor writes Death By A Thousand Cuts based on this.
2020: In Miss Americana documentary, Taylor says she is not ready for marriage/kids yet (filmed in 2018-2019). Taylor and Joe cross paths with Matty at the NME Awards in Feb. In April, Taylor starts Folklore with Aaron, invents the 'fictional' love triangle, encourages Joe to write with her, and The 1 and Hoax are written last minute, meaning Cardigan and Peace were the original start/finish. During the folklore long pond sessions, Taylor confirms Peace is about anxiety surrounding Joe and her fame. She confirms Hoax is partially about Joe, too. In December, after Evermore, she mentions being obsessed with divorce stories. IMO I Hate It Here links to her mindset during this period of time (pandemic yes, but TTPD-album also links imagination and fantasy to feeling trapped in an increasingly difficult relationship)
2021: In March, Taylor records the 3AM Midnights songs with Aaron. This might prove High Infidelity can't be about Matty, as some theorised. 29 April 2020 was the first lockdown. 2019 seemed like a happy year for her and Joe (Me! was released April 2019). We see in Miss Americana they were good during Rep Tour (May-Nov 2018). Mid 2021, Taylor and Joe live in Dublin/Croatia while he films Conversations with Friends, and she re-records Red TV. In July, Renegade is released ("Is your anxiety stopping you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?"). In November, Red TV releases to huge popularity. Joe lands a role last minute and has to fly out within days, so he misses Red TV release week. Taylor later confirms she began writing Midnights with Jack during this time. Taylor flies to Joe for a couple days in the middle of Red TV promo. She records You're Losing Me on December 5. Also this year, The 1975 are working with Jack and work with Taylor for Midnights (can't find specific dates, just Matty confirming they worked on music that wasn't used)
2022: Engagement rumors are not denied by Joe or Taylor's teams in January. In spring, Midnights is completed. Taylor has said she immediately began writing for what would become Tortured Poets. In May, Conversations with Friends premieres and ultimately underperforms. An August Pitchfork interview with Matty mentions Taylor: "Swift, who got an early listen to the [new] record, summed it up in three words: “It’s so funny.” I also found this ick quote from Matty: “Because I’m in therapy a lot, this is one of my new things: watch out for gaslighting. I didn’t know that was a thing. Now I have a way of being aware of when I’m manipulative. Sometimes I’ll do it and I’ll go, ‘Hold on, I’m doing the thing and I know what that is and I’m sorry.’ It’s growing up.” Midnights is released in October, and we're introduced to Question...?, which samples Out Of The Woods. Now I wonder if this was a Harry red herring (a red harrying), when really it was a way to reference 2014, when the song was recorded and the year she first 'dated' Matty. There's also Maroon, which no one can fully agree who it's about, and is later referenced in Chloe/Sam/Sophia/Marcus. In December, Taylor's in New Orleans with Joe and Jack. Tortured Poets album credits confirm Fresh Out The Slammer was partially recorded here, so that confirms her state of mind about Joe and Matty at this time ("I know who my first call will be to, it's gonna be alright, I did my time")
2023: Taylor performs at The 1975's concert on January 12. Fans report Question is on their pre-show playlist. Joe is at Taylor's Grammys afterparty on February 4. Eras Tour begins March 17, and The 1975's song About You is on the pre-show playlist. Joe is overseas filming. March 28 is their approx split date . On April 1, Taylor swaps Invisible String for The 1. April 8, the split is public, reportedly happened a few weeks prior. On May 5th, Taylor mouths "This is about you, you know who you are, I love you" during Cardigan, as did Matty a few days earlier. Matty joins Taylor from 5 - 26 May. May 17, the fan backlash against Matty peaks. Some swifties post an “open letter” to Taylor about Matty. May 20, she performs Question and says “I'm the happiest I've ever been". May 24, she records Florida!!! with Florence, and Matty is there too. May 26, You're Losing Me is first released to CD only. So, the first time fans get context for her split from Joe. May 26 is also when Matty likely left to return to The 1975's tour. May 29, a Matty feature article mentions everyone close to Taylor and Matty are saying “this time, its real”. May 31, Taylor is recording Fresh Out The Slammer again. June 3, Taylor is visibly sad during surprise song I Don't Wanna Live Forever ("wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life"). June 5, Taylor and Matty's split is confirmed. June 5-6, Zach Sang says in an interview that he heard through Selena and Taylor's social circle that "Taylor was talking about Matty like he was the one". June 29, Taylor records Down Bad. July 1, Taylor covers ‘I miss you I’m sorry’. July 26, Travis talks about his friendship bracelet attempt a few weeks prior. Mid August, fans/public swarm Jack's wedding rehearsal. Based on their comments since, Taylor and Travis start dating around this time. September 5, Taylor stories a Griff song called Vertigo, the lyrics are an obvious aim at Matty. September 25, Taylor and Travis hard launch when Taylor attends his football match. In October, 1989 TV is released and fans discover Slut! was supposed to feature The 1975. November 29, You're Losing Me is widely released. November 30, Tree blasts DeuxMoi for continually pushing marriage/other inappropriate rumors regarding Joe. A day later, Taylor likes a tweet implying Sweet Nothing was referencing Paul McCartney and his wife.
2024: Tortured Poets announced February 4, Taylor begins mashing surprise songs together from February 17, TTPD is released April 19. Everyone is surprised when the album is not a takedown of Joe, but mostly Matty. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived claims Matty ghosted Taylor once he went back on tour ("You tried to buy some pills from a friend of a friend of mine, they just ghosted you. Now you know what it feels like" / "I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal?"). Down Bad also supports this. Taylor mentions "love bombing" repeatedly in the lead-up to the album release.
Safe Assumptions:
• The songs about Travis can only be written between August 2023 – April 2024. The Alchemy seems to reference the Super Bowl so perhaps early February? So High School mentions “Get my car door, isn’t that sweet?”, perhaps referencing their date on 16 October 2023 where everyone fawned over him doing that.
• Fortnight, I Can Fix Him, loml, I Can Do It, The Smallest Man, getyouback are all negative toward Matty so they can only be June 2023 onward.
• October 21, 2023 – Post Malone stated he’d recently been with Taylor and mentions Travis too, so they either wrote/recorded Fortnight or filmed the video in early-mid October.
• Is Cardigan about Matty? It has the PeteWendy reference (continued in Peter), mentions smoke like many Matty songs do, "I knew you'd haunt all of my what ifs", and was written a few months after they saw each other again at that awards show. What would this mean for the love triangle story? Some other songs that have me wondering now are Illicit Affairs, Maroon and Ivy. Even Out of The Woods...maybe she's blended muses together this whole time.
* Guilty As Sin and Fresh Out The Slammer basically confirm Matty and Taylor were talking pretty...intensely prior to her split from Joe, and he perhaps "lured" her out of her relationship even though it was already dying (or maybe because it was, and he saw his chance).
Other:
• Was But Daddy I Love Him written before or after Matty left? Maybe both? I'm leaning toward after because she'd need time to react to/process the fan backlash. I think the final verse isn't referencing Travis, it's her deluded fantasy for everyone coming around to Matty.
* “You saw my bones out with someone new” - could this reference 2015 when Matty saw Taylor with Calvin at the Brit Awards? Calvin also looks like someone who could bully Matty lol.
• Chats and Reacts made a pretty convincing connection between Guilty As Sin and Labyrinth. Labyrinth mentions "falling in love again" and Guilty mentions falling back into the "hedge maze"...the "labyrinth of my mind"? Labyrinth is another song that confused most people and we couldn't really place it/what it was referring to.
Song meanings:
• Fortnight thru I Can Fix Him is when Matty is still around (Fortnight literally referencing 2 weeks, though it was 3 ultimately). Fortnight addresss the frustration of becoming strangers to exes who move on. The video depicts her as allowed to work/be free if she takes the "forget him" pill, then she writes alongside "Matty" ("our tragic tortured hero") until they create a story for themselves, but it doesn't last. I think the telephone box scene represents them communicating prior to her breakup ("Move to Florida, buy the car you want but it won't start up til I touch touch touch you" aka I can do all these things to escape but I won't actually be free until I have you)
• Tortured Poets: Basing it in 2014 would explain the Charlie Puth lyric, since he blew up in 2015.
• My Boy: Potentially Joe going from good to toxic, especially "You should've seen him/me when he first got me" aka when they first started dating it was so different to how they ended up. But there's elements of Matty too.
• Down Bad: Obviously being ghosted/dumped by Matty. Likened the love bombing and false promises to being abducted by aliens, enjoying it, then being sent "back to Earth" (reality).
• So Long London: It might've been written late 2023 because "You say I abandoned the ship" implies they talked about their break up at a later point. There's also a tone of acceptance or grace in "Had a good run/You'll find someone" so it seems like some time has passed.
• But Daddy I Love Him: The "daddy" is a metaphor for the public judging/trying to control her dating life.
• Guilty As Sin: Mentions "him" sending her the song Downtown Lights, a song Matty loves and has covered.
• I Can Fix Him: The illusion/fantasy ends here. The lyrics acknowledge Matty is gross/problematic. She has a rude awakening that he will not change for her.
• I Can Do It: Obviously about touring while coping with two breakups. I can see her writing this after seeing the Barbie film because it has a similar vibe lol
• The Alchemy: Beginning point of getting back on her feet again ("Back from the hospital, worst sleep of my life")
• getyouback: The "bike" and "house" lyrics reference a 1975 song.
* Side 2 deals frequently with the pitfalls of fame and the damage done to her life, relationships and wellbeing as a result. There's also themes of youth, growing up too slow (Peter) or too fast (The Manuscript) and some leftover feelings about 2016/the Kardashians. Perhaps because she's been re-recording Reputation? I can imagine The Prophecy was written sometime around June/July because I cannot imagine dealing with two breakups while the world worships you/your career.
IMO the theme of putting herself on trial/showing evidence is a symbolic response to the Matty backlash. The theme of "This chapter is now closed" is to say "Here's the warts and all story, everything that happened and that I ever felt in those two awful years, do your worst, I'm now done with it all".

New Music Friday is the weekly thread dedicated to cataloging all the Album/EP releases that came out this week, including non-subreddit relevant releases. This is also a great place to discuss these albums, or bring to attention other albums released this week.

❓ "this seems intriguing after a cursory look"
⭐ "im interested in this for one reason or another"
❤️ "ive been waiting for weeks, months/i'm absolutely in love with this"

⭐ St. Vincent - All Born Screaming
Label: Total Pleasure
Genre: Art Rock, Neo-Psychedelia
⭐ Justice - Hyperdrama
Label: Because
Genre: French Electro, Synthwave, Nu-Disco
❓ Corridor - Mimi
Label: Sub Pop
Genre: Indie Rock, Neo-Psychedelia, Dream Pop
Babehoven - Water's Here In You
Label: Double Double Whammy
Genre: Indie Folk, Dream Pop
Iron & Wine - Light Verse
Label: Sub Pop
Genre: Chamber Folk, Singer-Songwriter
Hovvdy - Hovvdy
Label: Arts & Crafts
Genre: Indie Pop, Indie Folk
Owen - The Falls of Sioux (Mike Kinsella of American Football)
Label: Polyvinyl
Genre: Singer-songwriter, Indie Folk
Fat White Family - Forgiveness Is Yours
Label: Domino
Genre: Post-Punk, Neo-Psychedelia, Art Rock
❓ Microwave - Let's Start Degeneracy
Label: Pure Noise
Genre: Alternative Rock, Emo-Pop
❓ Adult Jazz - So Sorry So Slow
Label: Spare Thought
Genre: Art Pop, Chamber Music, Experimental, Post-Rock, Electronic
⭐ Full of Hell - Coagulated Bliss
Label: Closed Casket Activities
Genre: Grindcore, Deathgrind, Sludge Metal, Mathcore
❓ Maruja - Connla's Well (EP)
Label: n/a
Genre: Post-Punk, Post-Rock, Post-Hardcore, Jazz-Rock
❤️ Glassing - From the Other Side of the Mirror
Label: Pelagic
Genre: Post-Metal, Atmospheric Sludge Metal, Blackgaze, Screamo
Pet Shop Boys - Nonetheless
Label: Parlophone
Genre: Synthpop, Dance-Pop
The Zutons - The Big Decider
Label: n/a
Genre: Indie Rock, Alternative Rock
Parsnip - Behold
Label: Upset the Rhythm
Genre: Indie Pop, Psychedelic Pop
Thom Yorke - Confidenza (Soundtrack)
Label: XL
Genre: Film Score, Ambient
❤️ Inter Arma - New Heaven
Label: Relapse
Genre: Death Doom Metal, Atmospheric Sludge Metal, Dissonant Death Metal
Joyer - Night Songs
Label: n/a
Genre: Slowcore, Indie Rock
Six Organs of Admittance - Time Is Glass
Label: Drag City
Genre: Psychedelic Folk, American Primitivism
Mandy - Lawn Girl (Miranda Winters of Melkbelly)
Label: Exploding in Sound
Genre: Indie Rock
⭐ Darkthrone - It Beckons Us All
Label: Peaceville
Genre: Doom Metal, Black Metal, Heavy Metal
⭐ Black Tusk - The Way Forward
Label: Season of Mist
Genre: Hardcore Punk, Sludge Metal
❓ Oberst - Toil
Label: Indie
Genre: Post-Hardcore
❓ Geo - Out of Body (April 25th)
Label: Erste Theke
Genre: Art Punk, Post-Punk, No Wave
Sen Morimoto - BONK! (EP)
Label: City Slang
Genre: Jazz Rap, Art Pop, Bedroom Pop
Cold War Kids - CWK EP
Label: AWAL
Genre: Indie Rock, Pop Rock
Margaret Glaspy - The Sun Doesn’t Think (EP)
Label: n/a
Genre: Acoustic Rock, Singer-songwriter
Rachel Love - Lyra
Label: n/a
Genre: Twee Pop, Chamber Pop, Psychedelic Pop
Snub - All Day Glow
Label: n/a
Genre: Alternative Rock
❓ Porij - Teething
Label: PIAS
Genre: Indietronica, Alt-Pop, Synthpop
Ellis - no place that feels like
Label: n/a
Genre: Bedroom Pop
❓ Maria Chiara Argirò - Closer
Label: Innovative Leisure
Genre: Ambient Pop, Art Pop, Synthpop
Liz Brasher - Baby Damn
Label: Blue Élan
Genre: Pop Soul
The Entrepreneurs - Sky Forever
Label: n/a
Genre: Noise Rock, Indie Rock
❓ Baula - heavy heart, no tears
Label: Bergmal
Genre: Indie Rock
Oren Ambarchi, Johan Berthling and Andreas Werliin - Ghosted II
Label: Drag City
Genre: Avant-Garde Jazz, Post-Minimalism, Electroacoustic
Nisa - Shapeshifting
Label: Tender Loving Empire
Genre: Singer-songwriter
⭐ EYE (Jessica Ball of Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard) - Dark Light
Label: n/a
Genre: Dream Pop, Electronic
Bullion - Affection
Label: Ghostly
Genre: Synthpop, Chillwave
❓ Lust$ickPuppy - CAROSEL FROM HELL
Label: n/a
Genre: Digital Hardcore, Industrial Hip Hop
Greg Saunier - We Sang, Therefore We Were
Label: Joyful Noise
Genre: Math Pop, Noise Pop
The Lostines - Meet the Lostines
Label: Gar Hole
Genre: Doo-Wop, Alt-Country
❓ Eric Slick (Dr. Dog) - New Age Rage
Label: Thirty Tigers
Genre: Indie Pop
Taraneh - New Age Prayer
Label: n/a
Genre: Slacker Rock, Bedroom Pop, Grunge
HONESTY - BOX
Label: Partisan
Genre: Alternative Rock
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - Challengers (Original Score)
Label: Milan
Genre: Techno, Film Score, Tech House
Nolan Potter - The Perils of Being Trapped Inside a Head
Label: n/a
Genre: Psychedelic Rock, Progressive Rock
The Goalie’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick - The Iliad and the Odyssey and the Goalie’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick
Label: n/a
Genre: Slowcore, Indie Rock
❓ Sega Bodega - Dennis
Label: n/a
Genre: Electronic, Alternative R&B, Art Pop
Valley Gals - The Antagonist
Label: Graveface
Genre: Indie Rock
Charley Crockett - $10 Cowboy
Label: Son of Davy
Genre: Progressive Country, Rhythm & Blues
Pigeons Playing Ping Pong - Day In Time
Label: n/a
Genre: Funk Rock, Jam Band
Mister Goblin - Frog Poems
Label: Spartan
Genre: Indie
Winters Lane - Trails
Label: n/a
Genre: Instrumental Post-Rock
Fuera Fondo - Mesto Spí
Label: n/a
Genre: Pop
❓ asuka ando - DOUBLE HAPPINESS
Label: n/a
Genre: Japanese Reggae
Babylove & The Van Dangos - Leave me here to my quixotic moods
Label: n/a
Genre: Ska
❓ MOON RELAY - Iddy Umpty
Label: Sheep Chase
Genre: Krautrock, Space Rock, Psychedelic Rock
❓ Diode - LP2
Label: n/a
Genre: Synth Punk, Egg Punk
RIIZE - RIIZING (EP) (April 28th)
Label: SM
Genre: K-Pop, Contemporary R&B
YUQI - YUQ1 (EP)
Label: Cube
Genre: K-Pop, Contemporary R&B
Louis Tomlinson - LIVE
Label: n/a
Genre: Pop Rock, Post-Britpop
Jess Glynne - JESS
Label: EMI
Genre: Contemporary R&B, Pop Soul
Pound Shop Boys - Dismay EP
Label: n/a
Genre: Pop
Luke Hemmings - boy (EP)
Label: Arista
Genre: Dream Pop, Indie Pop
Anitta - Funk Generation
Label: Republic
Genre: Funk carioca, Funk 150 bmp, Mega funk
Lagoona Bloo - Underwater Bubble Pop
Label: n/a
Genre: Contemporary R&B, Electropop
Isaac Dunbar - Beep Beep Repeat (EP)
Label: RCA
Genre: Dance-Pop, Pop Rock
PARTYNEXTDOOR - PARTYNEXTDOOR 4 (P4) (nsfw: artwork)
Label: OVO
Genre: Alternative R&B, Trap Soul
Sinéad Harnett - Boundaries
Label: n/a
Genre: Contemporary R&B, Alternative R&B
Picture This - Parked Car Conversations
Label: Sony
Genre: Indie Folk
Bladee - Cold Visions (April 24th)
Label: Trash Island
Genre: Rage, Trap, Cloud Rap
CoffeeBlack & WTM Scoob - Love at First Sight?
Label: n/a
Genre: Cloud Rap
lyrical school - DAY 2
Label: Connectone
Genre: Japanese Hip Hop, Pop Rap
Gabe 'Nandez and Wino Willy - Object Permanence (EP)
Label: POW
Genre: East Coast Hip Hop, Abstract Hip Hop
A Boogie Wit da Hoodie - ALONE (EP) (April 22nd)
Label: n/a
Genre: Pop Rap, Trap, East Coast Hip Hop
Rx Papi - Raheem Dead, Somebody Shot Em
Label: n/a
Genre: East Coast Hip Hop, Gangsta Rap, Trap
❓ Diamond Construct - Angel Killer Zero
Label: Greyscale
Genre: Nu Metal, Metalcore, Electro-Industrial
Deicide - Banished by Sin
Label: Reigning Phoenix
Genre: Death Metal
Alien Ant Farm - mAntras
Label: n/a
Genre: Alternative Metal, Alternative Rock
With Sails Ahead - Infinite Void
Label: n/a
Genre: Swancore, Emo-Pop, Progressive Metal
❓ Cold Years - A Different Life
Label: n/a
Genre: Alternative Rock
Pestilence - Levels of Perception
Label: Agonia
Genre: Death Metal, Technical Death Metal
Accept - Humanoid
Label: Napalm
Genre: Heavy Metal
❓ The Idoru - Undertow
Label: Black Star
Genre: Pop Punk, Melodic Hardcore
❓ Arð - Untouched by Fire
Label: Prophecy
Genre: Doom Metal, Medieval Classical Music
BLACK BAND SHIRT - PROUD FILTH (EP)
Label: n/a
Genre: Atmospheric Black Metal, Post-Metal
CLEARxCUT - Age Of Grief
Label: Lifeforce
Genre: Metalcore, Melodic Hardcore
Flaming Wreckage - Terra Inferna
Label: Grindhead
Genre: Melodic Death Metal
Freeways - Dark Sky Sanctuary
Label: Dying Victims
Genre: Hard Rock, Heavy Metal
Glossa - Death Is Not The End
Label: n/a
Genre: Sludge Metal, Doom Metal
❓ Lust Hag - Lust Hag
Label: n/a
Genre: Black Metal, Death Doom Metal
Thumos - Atlantis
Label: n/a
Genre: Post-Metal
Tombstoner - Rot Stink Rip
Label: Redefining Darkness
Genre: Death Metal, Groove Metal
Wretched Blessing - Wretched Blessing
Label: n/a
Genre: Black Metal, Death Metal, Hardcore Punk

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