Mtf transition before and after

I have been on testosterone for about 2 years and have not missed a dose. On Saturday I had protected sex with a mtf person. I took a plan B (Julie brand) immediately after. About 3 days later I stated having cramps, and 5 days later I have a full blown period. It’s not as much blood as before transitioning, but is more painful cramps-wise. I’m posting just to make sure that other FTM people are aware that taking a form of emergency contraception on testosterone can still result in a period! And that the bleeding is normal and means you most likely aren’t pregnant, but be sure to test 21 days after inter course anyway! For pain management I took 1000mg of Tylenol, but was still cramping, and I will not lie, alcohol helped, but I bet hemp or thc would help more, so remember you aren’t alone!!!!

QUICK BACK STORY - I am 24 MTF. I originally started HRT at 22/23 however I was forced to abruptly stop my HRT for financial reasonings and because I moved across the U.S. I was devastated and had so many negative physical symptoms/regression because I lacked HRT. Thankfully I retained some feminization like top growth.
My first or original doctor tailored my HRT to me and he rejected a one size fits all approach. I was encouraged to journal my experiences and reactions to my medication. He had past experience and was willing to try new things. Not only did I feminize quickly but my mental health improved significantly. I even learned that my body reacts differently to certain fillers in different generics. Basically I was informed about my body and transition and my doctor encouraged my learning.
Now I have a doctor who is nice however his approach to my transition seems to be a bit rigid or one size fits all. His recent replies to my concerns about symptoms that typically indicate signs of rising T levels makes me wonder if I’m in the right hands. I’ve experienced increased erections and have started producing sperm again after months not. Facial and leg hair has been growing quickly along with other symptoms. Top growth is decreasing and I’m actually gaining weight.
The symptoms keep going increasing. He wants me to wait another month before checking my levels again. ————— Based on my prior experiences with HRT I feel as though I am not making progress in the right direction for someone who is 6 months in. So the best thing I know how to do now is inform myself.
For most of my time on HRT I have been taking 8MG of sublingual pills with 50MG Bicalutamide daily. I have recently switched to taking 0.5 ml of estradiol Cypionate in a 5mg/ml vial. I’ve taken this dose once a week for about 3 weeks.
Someone other than my doctor recommended for me to take 0.8 ML estradiol Cypionate instead. I am considering taking sublingual pills daily alongside my injections to increase my E levels and induce more feminization.

Has anyone done this before? How did you go about doing so safely? What were your results?

Update: I’ve had a recent test almost a month ago.
My testosterone was at a 33 My estradiol total is 114

I've been having trouble passing interviews I recently got falsely terminated from my job of 6 years in coustmer service (it's what I'm best at dealing with people) I made it all the way up to retail general store manager, So that's my resume. Before I showed my transition I used to be able to do one interview and get called the next day. But after showing my transition I've done 50+ interviews, but no calls back, I call and they just say someone will call back later. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips for interviews I'm mtf

so i (15, mtf) have been really worried abt how my transition will end up going. i'm closeted to everyone except a group of supportive friends (to whom i owe the world) and i'm thinking of coming out to my parents within the next month or two.
i really have two concerns when it comes to my transition, one of which obviously being family reaction. idk my mom said that she'd love a trans child but wouldn't let them get hormones (i'd love a child with cancer, but i'd never get them chemo) but my dad has made fun of the "tr---ies" before so... (he does very much believe in "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" though, so there is hope in that regard)
but my main concern is probably passing (which i'll probably never be able to do bc my face is already not only masc, but ugly masc). i don't want to have ffs, it's just something i have to do to fix my condition, but i'm worried it might leave my face disfigured in some way, even though if i get a competent surgeon i'll probably be fine (my wallet won't be though!). boymoding sounds like dysphoria hell and i'll probably have to do that from whenever i get hrt to at least 3-5 years after that when i can afford ffs. presenting as a boy, even a feminine one, might genuinely make me want to off myself. being a visible trans woman sounds like hell, i don't want to be a crude approximation of my own being i just want to be myself, and also being killed with rocks for taking a piss doesn't seem very nice. it doesn't sound like too much to ask for but i must've pissed off some god in a past life or smth because i've been cursed with this.
i have a strong brow ridge with very masc forehead projection, a square jaw, and a big nose and those are genuinely killing me inside. i know ffs could definitely fix a lot of those issues but at least 60k for that in a place where insurance or universal healthcare doesn't cover it (i live in alberta, canada) is so much money that i'll never have to a point where it feels hopeless. alberta just banned hrt and puberty blockers for those under the age of 16 (and the conservatives, who will probably be in power next year, want to ban transition to anyone below the age of 18), and the only pediatric gender clinic in the province is open for six hours a month with a three year waiting list. i don't want to wait at the very least another year watching everything in my body degenerate into a disgusting male form but i can't do anything else so i guess i'll just rot in self-loathing until then.
i just wished i hadn't spent my whole life until abt six months ago repressing this. i knew that i was supposed to be a girl since i was 10 at the latest. my earliest memory is me wanting to just wake up as a girl. if i just accepted it back in 2019, before my dad got radicalized, before everyone cared so much about trans people, i'd be on hrt by now or at least blockers. why did my entire life hinge on the stupid decision of a terrified 10 year old? who deserves that?
i just wish i could be cis, afab or amab i don't care, it doesn't matter. everything would be so much easier. no surgery, no hate, no dysphoria, why can't i just be in the right body. seeing ppl online being proud of their transness is so confusing to me, why would you be happy about being this way, it's a birth defect. seeing passing trans ppl makes me feel worse somehow. it shouldn't, if anything it means that it's probably possible for me too, but i just feel like they were born wrong right.
tl;dr: teenage trans girl in a hopeless situation wallowing in dysphoria, even though she's incredibly privileged in just having the possibility to pause her male puberty before it completely and utterly irreparably ruins her.
sorry i just need to get this out of my system, even if it just bounces off some wall of noise
i think im gonna cry myself to sleep to Romantic Vivisection now

I (21 mtf) had been thinking about hrt for the last 2 years and finally decided, after some therapy and lots of introspection and conversation with close friends, decided that I was trans and would transition and start HRT.
Finally, on May 13th, I took my step towards medically transitioning and got prescribed estradiol and Spiro. I've always been very anxious regarding my gender identity (having GAD doesn't help) so the day before my latest endo visit you can bet I was extremely anxious mixed with an excitement.
After I got prescribed, I took my first dosage later and was pretty antsy about it all day because my anxious brain was still processing the fact I finally took this step and started getting way ahead of myself about how this will affect me and if I made the right choice, but was able to calm down eventually and play some games.
However, after I went to bed, I woke up later in the night and I was panicking about my future on HRT and keep doubting the fact I'm trans because I'm so anxious over it still, and ATM I'm just sitting in the bathroom (I also have IBS which gets worse with anxiety) trying to find ways to cope. I mean at one moment, I want nothing but to be a cute quirky girl and have boobs and get treated like a woman and dress up, but whenever I get anxious like this it's because I suddenly can't find that excitement anymore and I get the idea that im making the wrong choice and the anxiety just gets overwhelming to the point where I'm shaking and can't even eat properly.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Did you stay on HRT? Is it possible I could already have a hormone imbalance or something? How did you cope with this kind of anxiety? I appreciate it a lot, just typing this out to vent has made me feel a bit better at least.
EDIT: In starting to realize that this anxiety is being caused by, well, itself; I'm getting more anxious thinking about "what if my this anxiety is solely the result of hrt and I will never stop panicking and I have to stop?" I feel like I've worked so hard to get here and stopping hrt because of anxiety would be crushing but I just want to be happy and the only thing worse than GD for me is this kind of panic where I can't even eat or work
EDIT2: I got some rest finally and feel a bit less anxious but it's still hard to eat, but I've heard sudden estrogen intake and/or your T crashing can cause nausea so hopefully it goes away as my body gets back to homeostasis
EDIT3: It's been a few days and a lot of my anxiety seems to be from the brain fog as a side effect from the Spiro (I'm taking 100mg which is a decent amount). The fogginess has been getting a bit better each day and as a result I've been in a better mood and had a better appetite, so I'm hoping things stay this way. I'm still anxious about how my journey on HRT is going to pan out, but I think that's completely normal and I need to just try to enjoy myself c:

(Orignally posted on MTF !!)
This is the article (written by the wonderful Doc Impossible): https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/beneath-the-surface
Please read the article for yourself -- don't attempt to come to a conclusion based off of my writings and then try to appropriately answer them. The article is a good read (as is all of Doc Impossible's work), and hopefully other readers will be able to comprehend what they've read better than I have; meaning that they are able to properly explain and understand the answers and reasonings to the questions I had, which were raised during and after reading the article.
The main focus of this article was about how the reason that trans identity is so often worried [by trans people] to be a kink or fetish is because of how Sublimation has factored into existing and extremely common kinks, such as forced feminization, transformation, and bimbofication. Here are my questions regarding that:
1) It is explained in the article that no kink is inherently sexual, as all kinks are focused on objects or concepts, not about sex or sexual things ('sexual things' would refer to genitals). If such kinks and fetishes (as listed above) within trans people are caused by sublimation, then how would it be explained that they also appear within cis people (who may have never even questioned their gender identity)?
2) Doc Impossible notes that every person she's talked to who voiced their concern about their "fetish", who also were questioning their gender, no longer experienced sexual gratification or arousal after realizing they were trans and transitioning. But what about trans people, who have transitioned, who do still experience sexual arousal and gratification from these concepts? Is this a matter of self-actualization not having fully registered?
3) For the period of time where sublimation into kink was taking place before a person's transition (which also then dissipated afterwards), then why is it that these concepts would provide sexual gratification or arousal at all? To me at least, I don't feel as though this sexual arousal is synonymous with something like euphoria erections, for example.
But of course, these are all questions that I'm genuinely curious about and searching for answers to, and am fully willing to recognize and admit that these wonders are caused by my own ignorance of the subject matter. I would love to hear what all of you think! Thanks everyone :)

I have no idea where else to write this but I really want advice from someone that has no idea who I’m talking about. So my Dad (mtf trans but I still call dad (WILL be relevant)) has always been a little creepy or just inappropriate around children including her own but especially around me. I always kinda chalked it up by her probably being on the autism spectrum or when I was a kid I just thought that I was so mature that she’d forget that that I was literally a child. I’m 22 now and haven’t really thought about the depth of her creepiness in years but recently she told about how she found her old computer and she’s downloaded all her old pre-transition photos from my childhood and when I asked to see them it was like she suddenly realized that she shouldn’t have said anything to me and made up a bunch of excuses on why I couldn’t see the pictures and how she had to sort out though them first. That was a few days ago and only now after thinking about it constantly did I remember that she at some point in my childhood had really weird pictures of me. I’ve never actually seen what’s on her computer but she did post compromising pictures of me to face book in the early 2000’s, like me on the toilet or taking a bath or beach/swimsuit pics. Most importantly when I was like 9-10 I got my first iPad and for some reason I took nude selfies on it not realizing that the iPad was synced to her phone. I have no idea if actually deleted these photos or not but the thought of it being on her phone at some point still makes me sick.
There was a specific time when I was maybe like ten where she bought me a tank top and short shorts set which I thought was just innocent pajamas but later on i found it in the back of Spencer’s but anyway, she asked me to put it on and show her and when I did like little spin around in it I saw look me up and down and just saw “wow…. You’re really becoming a woman” or something like that. I knew she was Ig at what little boobs I had and that’s when I decided I should probably start wearing bras. For awhile after that she would try to guess the color of what bra I was wearing.
Not much else happened when I was a little kid that I can actually remember other than her forcing me to be close to her when I was uncomfortable or yelling at me whenever I wiped a kiss away but most of this stuff was blocked out until very recently so I won’t be surprised if more memories pop up soon.
When I was a teenager though, she was still incredibly creepy. She came out as trans while I was in high school (like 15-17, I don’t really remember when exactly) and for the first few years she was really open about sexuality and kink stuff. When it came to her talking about her dating life I tried to ignore it mostly because she was hooking up with people barely older than me. But when it got her asking questions about womanhood at first I was okay with it but she got way too personal way too fast. I can’t really remember what exactly she would say that made me super uncomfortable but just trust me it was weird.
When it was time for me to go to college and move to a dorm she was the only person that helped me. It was across state lines so we took a road trip and arrived the day before and stayed at a hotel together for the night before I moved into the dorm. She got a room with only one bed. I’m so lucky that i searched and found an air mattress in the closet but even after I made it clear I was going to sleep on the air mattress she was telling me that now that she a girl too (her words not mine) that it’s okay if we sleep in the same bed and if I didn’t want to sleep on the air mattress I could join her in the bed. While she was wearing just a t shirt and super thin thong like underwear. Later on I tried telling my aunt about that night and how uncomfortable I felt and she told me that my Dad spent 50 years as a man and just needs time to socialize as a woman. So for the past few years I’ve convinced myself that I had some unconscious transphobic bias and just tried not to think about that night.
There was one time within the past year or so that my dad attended this weird convention thing with her two partners (both significantly younger than her but still older than me if that matters). She asked me to house sit for the weekend which I did no questions asked. When she got back she kept making it clear that what ever she was doing that weekend was probably something she shouldn’t talk to me about but still really wanted to talk about it cause she had such a great time. I really didn’t care to know but she told me anyway. It was a kink con. Not just any kink but an age play kink. More specifically I think called it adult baby dipper wearing something. She kept going on about within the kink there bigs and littles and whatever so now I know way more about it that I ever needed to. I knew about the kink already I just didn’t need to know that my own parent was into it and that her weirdly younger partner wears dippers.
I might also be thinking too much into all the weird things she’s done because when I introduced her to my boyfriend he told me got weird vibes from her. Mostly about how vulgar she talks and how she currently in an open relationship with someone half her age. Later on in passing I mentioned how my dad has like 10 active emails and she always installed duck duck go on every computer in the house and I didn’t even really know what exactly that was other than a search engine but that’s when my boyfriend told me that it’s just google with out restrictions and people use it to find cp. idk how true that is but it sounded right enough that I actually believed him immediately.
I don’t really know why this is bothering me so much right now I don’t live with her anymore and only see her if it’s in a bigger family setting. I guess the only thing that would change if I knew for sure I she as a pedo would just be me looking back dark memories through an even darker lense. Or maybe if not then just a bad child for think she’d be so perverted towards me. Either way she does actually just make me feel uncomfortable a lot. Maybe I just need to vent and don’t want anyone that actually knows her to view her differently. Anyway I just really need advice on what to think and what to do from here.
ALSO I’m the oldest of three siblings and she’s never acted this way towards anyone other than me. And for some reason I was also the only one of her kids that would ever hit.
TLDR:: my dad used to have nudes of my prepubescent body and had made weird comments about my body all through out my life. But also she might be autistic and I’m ready too much into it.

MTF pre everything. No plan to transition anytime soon as under 18, just curious.
How does one actually get started with transitioning? I know theres HRT, surgery, presentation change, etc, but how do you actually get there?? Is it better to start socially or medically?
For medical transition, what is the very first step I need to take? I'm pretty sure its therapy to get diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but how would you set up an appointment? What kind of therapist should I go to? (i know some would just hand out HRT after a short visit)
Is it absolutely necessary to get diagnosed before transitioning? I'm 90% sure I'm dysphoric but I'm always doubting myself.
I saw the costs for therapy and it is mindblowingly expensive... 150+/session?! Does insurance cover? Would a gender dysphoria diagnosis be able to cover the costs as well?
All the info I found online just says "do xyz", but is not detailed enough to know how.
Thanks for help
Im in a US, relatively blue area btw.

So i’m a 28 MtF I have ave been on hormones for three years and I mostly pass. I also have completely socialized transition, started my career working with the LGBTQ community and have done most of my crying shit when it came to transitioning. Im saving for FFS and breast augmentation but I should hopefully get that after I buy a house next year. In short i’m just another dime in a dozen trans punk girl in a big city.
I was hanging out at a local bar with a bunch of the other trans folk in my area. There a cast of 40 or so of us that all hang out at the same bar and there a trans night. I have been going to the nights since I started my transition three years ago and I was a staple at gay bars for four years before that. Those nights have become pretty routine for me at this point and I have lost there magic. They are still really fun but there nothing special about them anymore.
Last night though I met a baby trans dude. The kid was freshly 21 and he had his first gay drink lol. We ended up talking for most of the night and I introduced him to some of the other regulars and y’all should of seen the smile on his face. He kept repeating that he never met a trans person before and how much he loved this bar and you could literally see the weight lifted off his shoulders. He even told me that he was planning on starting HRT soon and I was the first person he ever told!!
I’m sure most of that was the alcohol ( y’all gay drinks are strong!!!!) but I was so happy for that kid. We exchanged number and I made sure he got home safe but his reaction really stuck with me.
I really miss that feeling of euphoria and discovery. I remember feeling the same way at a Christmas party at the same bar. It got me feeling nostalgic for all the other first I have had since starting my transition. The first time I felt my boobs jiggle, my first lesbian experience, going by my name in public, doing my eyeliner right, being invited into female spaces and the time I change my name in my partners phone.
All those little moments that looking back where leading me to the women in today. I would never want to go back to before I transitioned and I’m over looking the bad times but I would love to go back to those moments of true euphoria and bliss that I felt while transitioning.
Lately I don’t feel euphoria as so much as feel more content. Content with my crazy life, boring 9 to 5 and the friends I have made along the way. This is way better than the emotional highs and low of my early transition but I do miss all of those first.
I guess my reason for writing this is to tell all the baby trans folk out there to enjoy the ride and not be focused on some specific goal and to remind some of the more experienced trans folk to look out for and befriend the eggs and babies it can be really rewarding.

Hi! I'm about to finally take MtF hormones after years of doubts and self questioning at 39 yo. 🤔
Do you have things you wish you know before transitioning, it could be medically, socially, about fashion...)
I think I could use some of your experience, this journey ain't the simplest I guess 😂!

How rare is this kind of experience for MtF detransitioners? I almost never externalize these thoughts but I'm a little bit desperate. I don't go to therapy yet and yes I know I need it. That being said:
Transition is starting to feel like elaborate self harm. I started at 17 and I'm 23 now. As I mature and grieve for the world I've come to terms with and began to accept that I likely have been suffering from some form of CPTSD and depression stemming from toxic family stuff. It makes sense considering I've always pretty much known I didn't have dysphoria in the traditional sense. There were a couple signs but nothing concrete. Just hazy memories of shame and feeling different. After discovering and researching what being trans was at 16 I entered a brief but intense phase of self-reflection before ultimately just saying fuck it because the clock was ticking and I knew I'd never be 100% sure. I knew I was quite lucky with a semi supportive family and decent genetics. I never truly identified as female in my head because I never truly believed it myself and I'm someone who values their authenticity quite a bit. This created somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy but I can expand on that later. Tbh, I was perfectly satisfied to transition into a 'trans girl' if that makes sense. Obviously I couldn't understand what the consequences would really look like or how the politics would play out. Internet access throughout my teens gave me extra reasons to grow disgusted with my male sexuality at an early age. Only recently have I considered having circumcision trauma. Things never felt 'right' down there. Still, none of this manifested as a desire to have female anatomy. Just indifference, really. I began to pass with minimal effort requiring very little voice training, keeping me in my comfort zone enough so that I never really put in healthy effort to grow and actually 'transition'. Kind of a common theme to all of this. It feels so creepy to say that sexual abuse would explain a lot because I have nothing that definitively points to that. I'm left wondering if I'm nonbinary or have klinefelters syndrome. I fit a lot of the XXY stereotypes but probablyt will never get tested. I could go on for ages because I feel like a cosmically tragic individual and have negative self esteem while still feeling like a narcissist. I've only just began recognizing the extent of my self destructive tendencies. Sorry for the rant much love

3 Questions - Girlfriend, Family & Next Steps
Hi, so I’ve never posted on here before (or any other Reddit page), but I was hoping some of you could give me advice as some of the advice I see given to other in need is amazing (I love these pages, they’ve helped me so much). So I’m 21 mtf pre everything as it’s something I’ve only just been able to accept after trying to get all of my internalised misogyny out of my system. I have fully decided that transition is what I want, but I have some people in my life I don’t really want to lose. First off my girlfriend, she’s amazing, supportive and sooo kind but yet I still haven’t been able to tell her I’m feeling this way, as I am afraid of how she’ll feel about it. She’s bisexual so really I just be jumping at the chance to tell her, but something gives me the feeling that she wouldn’t want to stay with me if I fully transitioned the way I want (I feel she wants a traditional family life with a mum, dad and lots of kids). Q1 - How could I gently let her know without freaking her out? Secondly my family, my dad will be out of the picture the moment I do this and that is what it is (I’ve always known that). But I don’t want to lose my mum forever, she is definitely transphobic and won’t understand if I just tell her one day (she’d acc hate it). Q2 - is there any way I could make her understand, or should I just not tell her until I have already transitioned and then she can’t really argue with me about it? (I don’t see her often so wouldn’t be hard to not see her for a year or 2) and lastly in terms of starting my transition (I’m from the UK so this is more for my fellow brits), I want to get onto hrt by the end of the year, but also want a proper & helpful experience that will won’t leave me poor for the rest of my years and keeping the NHS involved would be helpful. Q3 - who should I go to start my transition, what should my next steps be?
Sorry for the waffle, but those that read it I would love and appreciate any advice you have for any of these questions :)
Thank you x

My best friend,B, just ended her friendship with me and I don't know if it's my fault. This begins last year A friend, N, invited me to come to an event with others, with the main day being her birthday. She said she would plan it, but then said that I, who she invited, would plan what we all do because I was better at planning. In the end everyone had a good time, but during it, another friend, P, snapped at me for not cleaning a boardgame up in time before our buffer zone to get to an event started. During this, I was the only one who got something they wanted to go to skipped. After comic con, I was in a bad state, and later I exploded in the group chat, about how I tried hard and spent time to help everyone and I would have at least liked a thanks. B texted me and went through all the ways I was rude and hurtful. They never checked how I had felt for being ignored and snapped at. Later, we wanted to have an end of summer party, not my idea but I liked it, and we decided on using my house, except no one would help with the planning and my planning questions were ignored. I exploded again. This was the second time I spent time on everyone and tried to make them happy. Again, B told me how I was rude and hurtful while ignoring my other friends. This year I've been trying to be a better friend, I had been pretty mean to N after all that but I've been trying to be nicer for a while. Last week, we were playing 20 questions (P asked what we were making in culinary class and we turned into a game) with N, P, and B, when N got mad at me for saying a tortilla wasn't bread(I said that a tortilla was not what was being used, I never said it wasn't bread), and how I insulted her culture for saying that. She started yelling in my ear and insulting me. I tore her apart with insults, ending with something along the line of I'm gonna stop now before I go to far. B said something along the line of "and that wasn't?" While looking disgusted at me, and I snapped, calling them out for saying it was my fault, even when I was being insulted. Later, I asked B (she's transitioning MTF) not to share personal details with me because, after being villainized repeatedly, I didn't feel comfortable being personal with her. We got into a row, with B saying if we tally up insults and jabs I've been alot ruder in this fight then she has been. I've been running all my texts through other friends, making sure I haven't been being rude before posting them. The mutual friend closest to us looked through the entire text war and told B that it looks like she's been deflecting everything, which was ignored by my best friend who told me that we have grinding personalities and that I haven't considered her feelings at all, and that she was gonna go her own way. This last text war started after my asking for B not to share personal details, which is why I think I'm the AH, though our friends say I'm not. AITAH?(Sorry if this posted twice)

Hi, so I’ve never posted on here before (or any other Reddit page), but I was hoping some of you could give me advice as some of the advice I see given to other in need is amazing (I love these pages, they’ve helped me so much). So I’m 21 mtf pre everything as it’s something I’ve only just been able to accept after trying to get all of my internalised misogyny out of my system. I have fully decided that transition is what I want, but I have some people in my life I don’t really want to lose. First off my girlfriend, she’s amazing, supportive and sooo kind but yet I still haven’t been able to tell her I’m feeling this way, as I am afraid of how she’ll feel about it. She’s bisexual so really I just be jumping at the chance to tell her, but something gives me the feeling that she wouldn’t want to stay with me if I fully transitioned the way I want (I feel she wants a traditional family life with a mum, dad and lots of kids). Q1 - How could I gently let her know without freaking her out? Secondly my family, my dad will be out of the picture the moment I do this and that is what it is (I’ve always known that). But I don’t want to lose my mum forever, she is definitely transphobic and won’t understand if I just tell her one day (she’d acc hate it). Q2 - is there any way I could make her understand, or should I just not tell her until I have already transitioned and then she can’t really argue with me about it? (I don’t see her often so wouldn’t be hard to not see her for a year or 2) and lastly in terms of starting my transition, I want to get onto hrt by the end of the year, but also want a proper & helpful experience that will won’t leave me poor for the rest of my years and keeping the NHS involved would be helpful. Q3 - who should I go to start my transition, what should my next steps be?
Sorry for the waffle, but those that read it I would love and appreciate any advice you have for any of these questions :)
Thank you x

MTF 25yo. I've been on hormones for about a year now, socially transitioned some months before HRT. I never had noticeable BPD symptoms to the point nor me or anyone thought I did have it, however some months after starting hormones I started being more suicidal and unstable, now last week after being a week on a psych ward because of an attempt the psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD, which honestly makes sense. But the thing is I wasnt like this before HRT, I already had suicidal thoughts but not this strong and constant, and I wasn't unstable. I'm also taking psych meds for 6 months now
Can HRT "wake up" BPD in someone, or was it just a coincidence?

For reference, I'm mtf and there's no possible way for me to move out and support myself as of this moment. I've talked to my parents before about how I think estrogen and transitioning would make me feel better, and I wrote out all the processes and different medications to show them that I had a full understanding of what would happen and everything else related to that, but after a couple of months, my mental health started to get worse and worse from thinking about wanting to transition. After a couple of months, I started taking it but could only do it for 2 months before they found it, fast forward to recently and, I've been on it for 3 months as of right now, but it's been maybe closer to a year since they last found it and in that time, there's been issues with my parents and them finding makeup that ive hid causing them to keep a closer eye on me. Because of some friends having trouble caused the police to come to our house and gave my stepmom a chance to go through all my stuff like my suitcase and find makeup and estrogen which she doesn't support and me and her have had a long (battle)? Of me bringing me makeup to her hosue and then her finding it and her getting mad. As of now, every parent I have has said that I'm mentally ill and that social media make me think it's OK, every teenager doesn't like their body (even though I've talked about this to them for the past 2 years about how I I didnt want to go through puberty because of how scared I was of my body changing. I wanted to change like the girls around me go through the puberty that I wanted), them saying that they still love me, but they'd never financially support me in transitioning. I've applied for a job so that maybe in the next couple of months I will be able to afford it on my own, but just the thought of having to go through 2 months of working then ordering it seems too long. They believe all trans people are doing it for fun and that. someday they'll get bored transition transitioning and detransition, and it would ruin their life
Sorry for the rant, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore I'm so scared of not transitioning.

Hi, all, welcome to part two of the SCP-6183 declass. Part one can be found right here.

Part Two: Sometimes I Feel Like We’re Both In Chains

Addendum seven does not exist. Addendum eight does, though! Unfortunately… well, see for yourself.

SCP-▞▛░3-B is a range of phenomena affecting transitional passageways such as hallways and sta░rwells located within Foundation infrastructure across the planet. ▉▛▞▕ ▍▚▂ ▗▚▝░▘▕▕▏ ▜▆ describes ▓▉ ▙▀▓ ▚▀░ ▙▞▎▛▄▕▃▁ ▋ ▞ ▙ ▕ which causes an unknown quantity of these structures to spontaneously ▎ ▇ ▛ ▁ ▌ ▃ ▛ ░ ░ ▚ ▁ ▙ ▂ ▒ ▂ ▔their interiors▔ ▓ ▕ ▜ ▍ ▐ ░ ▞ become lost. As a result, the number of potential casualties and unusable spaces, up to an▛ including entire▒▘ ▒▛▎▁▕▞▓▏▞▅▝ ▁▔▞▔▀▁▅ ▋▇▔ ▏▒▂▉▕▗▅ ▇ ▃ ▙ ▄ ▕of Secure Facilities is unk▌▏▄ ▍▇▘▞. In addition, the rate of ma░ifestation and the total area of space each can encompass have been shown to increase ▍▒▛▌▓▟ ▒▞ ▊▇▙ ▒▕▊▞▟▁ ▝▜▕▞▔▝▃▔▝ ▓▘▅ ▞▎▞▎ ▊ ▞▒ich correlates with ▎ ▇ ▛ ▁ ▌ ▃ ▛ ░ ▎▀▍▎▇█ ▆▍ ▂▏▖▄▎▝▚▍▀▁ ▇▁ ▟▋▅ ▆▇▎▚▃▚▛▅ ▍▙▐▍ ▟▍▘▄▀▁▅ ▊▎ ▎▉▃▙ ▒ ▖ ▌ ▖ described above.
Foundation a░▒lysts pred▋▟▝ ▋█▔▘▄ ▓▗▜▀ustained activi▞█▛▕▄▆▖ █▏▋▍months ▉▂▇▜▎▐▙ ▃▌░▀▘ ▊▝▒▞▁▅ ▟▓▔▗▚▛ ▛▗█ █ ▅▊rende█▗ most▐▝▍█▀▃ ▗▂▝ ▂▞▔▖▞▌ ▛▘▗▅█ ▓noperable, lead▒ng▝▗▒ ▞▍ ▚▎▇▆ ▊▝▘▁▞▂▅▉ ▌▄ ▙▜▔ ▋▛▒lapse and%8a▗▐ █▀ ▃▟▚ ▐▜▍▝ ▋ ▇▊ ▜ ▗▙▛▉█d ▟▓ ▄▙▝ ▞▉▄▙▐▒ease existing.░
an error occurred while reading file ; task ended unexpectedly

Something is fucking up Foundation hallways without warning or explanation. We don’t know exactly what’s happening, so I’m declaring that they’re turning into Mystery Dungeons. (Billith said there’s a nonzero chance that this is the case, so I look forward to reading about the Foundation’s Explorers Guild.)
(God, we need a new Pokemon Mystery Dungeon game.)
Also, the uneaten word ‘Interiors’ is a reference to SCP-7912, ‘I N T E R I O R’, which, as you probably guessed from the name, is another Deletions skip.
The next addendum is called ‘ADDENDUM 6183/X: SCP-6183-C Initial Testing’. Interestingly, this is X, or ten, and the last one was 8. There’s no mention of what happened to 9, even a line about it not existing- Billith said ‘can't mention what doesn't exist, if the thing that exists to mention that it doesn't exist stopped existing’. (I was going to make a dumb joke along the lines of ‘damn you, seven’ but it doesn’t work with the WOG.)

FOREWORD: ▍ ▆ ▏ ░ ▌ ▄ ▙ ▜ ▇ ▏ ▁ ▙ ▕ ▎ ▇ ▛ used to ░ ▕ ▝ ▚▚ ▕ ▉ ▁ ▗ ▂ ▕▟ ▘ ▔ ▒▝ ▕ ▗ ▋▙ ▒ ▖ ▌ ▖ ▐ ▟▒ ▝ ▒ ▁ ▃ ▙ ▄argeted▅ ▊ ▅ ▞ ▋ ▒▞▀m▀▞tation▏ ▄ ▍ ▇ ▘ ▞ ▞ ▖ ▘ ▃ ▄░▅ ▚ ▟ ▊ ▐▟ ▎ ▚▁▙ ▂ ▒ ▂ ▔ ▛ ▎▐ ▄ ▜ ▟ ▗ ▜SCP-▇▀▇▀▇▀▝ ▔ ▓▙ ▒dvised ag▜▇nst▐ ░ ▞ ▐ ▎ ▉d▚▉▟tions▁▙rocess.
▇ ▇easo▞ ▙ ░ ▞ ▃ ▎ ▏ ▚ ▍ ░ ▞ ▘ ▐ ▍ ▋▒ ▅▊ ▅▁ ▇▜ ▙▄▌░▔▒own.

From what we see next, this is the Foundation using either the Department of Deletions or something in their possession to try deleting certain anomalies- not decommissioning, deleting, which neatly sidesteps that pesky waste problem. (Again, that pesky waste problem will become very important in the next installment.)
We’ll see how that goes for them later, but as to how it works, I’ll just add in what Billith told me: ‘As I said, as above, so below. In universe documentation for an anomaly that is sent through the barrier effectively leave the narrative and become overwritable. This changes their in-universe "physical" counterpart as their file in our database becomes deleted. it also begins to delete other information, like a file that is the only mention of a site might delete that site too.’
Item one is an indestructible lamp that used to live in Dr Rights’ office. A note from Bold says that this is the last thing they need deleted, but it makes for a perfect test subject, since it’s indestructible and totally harmless. And… the test works: the lamp is deleted.
We then skip to test 29, where the Foundation deleted SCP-352. Bold’s note says that they had no reason to think that their magic deleting thing wouldn’t work on a living subject, but it’s nice to have the confirmation.
We now skip to test 44…

TEST NUMBER: 044
SUBJECT: SCP-3333
RESULTS: Subjects successfully deleted. Deletion event r▟troactively reveals that twelve Foundation personnel outside of Temporary Observation Post-3333 had been covertly killed and replaced by SCP-3333-1 instances.
NOTES: Even though SCP-6183-C utilizes Foundation documentation to ▄▍▀▌▜▟▁ █▝▀▟▚▌▄ its targets, it was able to identify several SCP-3333-1 instances that SCP-3333's researchers were entirely ignorant of. It's too soon for certainty, but this potentially supports Dir. Genevieve's theory that SCP-6183-C attacks its targets on a conceptual level.

SCP-3333 is The Tower, which has an excellent declass that you can read here. (If you haven’t read either the article or the declass, I strongly recommend doing so.) For the purpose of this explanation, I also recommend reading the declass of SCP-1539.
So, if we go back to Billith’s explanation, we see what happened here: SCP-3333 got deleted. Now, since the Suntop Lookout is well-documented as an actual thing, it didn’t get deleted, it was just the unending spatial anomaly attached to it that got deleted. But because all of the Tower’s inhabitants… (did anyone ever come up with a name for those fuckers?) …or whatever they’re called are conceptually linked to the Tower and nowhere else, they all got deleted too. (Imagine them having labels saying ‘Made by the Tower’ on them, and deleting the label ‘The Tower’ deletes the Tower-people because their labels correspond to the label that got deleted.) And because the Tower-people are such a big threat, the Foundation views this as a net positive and an incitement to keep deleting things. Anyway, back to the deletions.
*long sigh* This is the Foundation, so let’s just get the inevitable over and done with.

TEST NUMBER: 081
SUBJECT: The beast which endures.
RESULTS: Subject successfully deleted. 6 hours later, the devourer of hearts reappears in the cave system in █████ ████████, China where SCP-553 is contained, whereupon it proceeds to breach containment. In the same instant, all known SCP-553 instances vanish, both from the cave system and the chamber in Site-37 where 125 instances were being held for ex▆er░▞n▔ation.
Following the shard-plated abomination's return to containment approximately 16 hours later, it is discovered that its scales now possess a crystalline structure and that a set of lepidopterous wings have grown from its back.

…seriously, I think we need to ban Genevieve from doing anything related to 682, full stop. Especially after what comes next.

SUBJECT: That whose hate flows in an unending tor▞ent.
RESULTS: The daughter of disgust is successfully deleted. Travel to REDACTED PER PROTOCOL 4000-ESHU is subsequently prohibited; all lifeforms within are considered lost.
NOTES: This was a m░stake. All proposals to delete that fucking lizard will henceforth be rejected. No good will come from following this path, if one even exists anymore.

You fucking dipshits.
Finally, we get this:

SUBJECT: SCP-𝕐
RESULTS: Subject successfully deleted.
NOTES: In using SCP-6183-C to decommission a purely mathematical Anomaly, we have def▔i▚▛ve proof that it operates within conceptual space. The exact nature of that space, however, has yet to be determined.

Addendum 11 doesn’t exist, so let’s go on to the first Incident Log:

ADDENDUM 6183/XII: BLACKBOX Incident Log
FOREWORD: ▞ ▄ ▂ ▉ ░ ▁ ▅ ▉ ▙ ▀ ▙ ▘ ▆ ▎ ▌ ▄ubsequent▙▟▍ ▆ ▂ ▒ ▇ ▛ ▁ ▒ ▂ ▙ ▓ ▅ ▅ ▙ ░igh prior░▒y▓ █ ▘ ▐ ▋ ▎ ▗ █ ▂ ▖ ▌▍▙▐▍▟istr▚ss cal▄ ▚ ▐ ▞ ▙ ▇ ▇ ▋ ▋ ▌ ▞ ▉ ▛ ▟ ▐ ▁ ▛ ▋ ▌ ▁ ▊ █ ▜ ▘ ▃ ▛ ▃ ▋ ▋ ▙ ▌ ▙ ▇ ▔ ▓ ▛ ░ ▅ ▀ ▏ ▝ ▆ ▝ ▉ ▙▇ ▖ ▇ ▚ ░ ▜ ▅ ▇▇ ▔ ▇ ▔ ▔ ▜ ▒ ▔ ▕ ▌ ▀ ▞ ░ ▆ ▆ ▎ ▒ ▙mergent propertie▅▆▖ ▗ ▇ ▂ ▏ ▋▚▋▘▘▛█▝ ▖ ▄ ▙ndogenously▎▘▞velop▝ ▉ ▘ ░ ▂ ▔ ▖ ░ ▁ ▚ ▃ ▋▊ ▇▟ ▔ █ ▋▆ ▕ ▜▋▛ ▀"▓verw▇▄t▉e▆", ▖ ▛▇ ▁ ▘ ▕ ▕ ▋ ▟▞ ▃▒▊ ▍ ▛▅ ▕▇▞.

Great omen, there. At least the actual meat of the article is readable- though Billith did clarify for me that the visible words here are ‘subsequently, high priority, distress call, emergent properties, endogenously develop, "overwritten".’, which really doesn’t sound good.

SUMMARY: A non-euclidean architectural Anomaly is discovered within the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California, USA. The Foundation's automated cl▔ ▇ ▔ication system assigns it the vacated designation of SCP-3333.
Three days after its classification, a window manifests in SCP-3333's basement that displays a view of the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest in Washington, USA. This prompts further examination of the Anomaly, which reveals that a locked trapdoor has appeared in the ceiling of SCP-3333's top floor.
Realizing the rapidly forming similarities between SCP-3333 and SCP-3333-D, Dir. Bold utilizes SCP-6183-C to delete SCP-3333 before any SCP-3333-1 instances manifest.░▙

Well, shit. It looks like at least part of the deletion involves the significance of their names/designations/slots (like the slot goblins of GoblinCon)- I’m probably not explaining this very well, but it’s possible to resurrect the deleted by giving someone or something the name of something or someone who got deleted. The Tower and its inhabitants were conceptually linked to the name ‘SCP-3333’, hence by giving that title to something else, the something else begins to take on the traits of the Tower.

N░TES: I was hoping that deleted Anomalies partially overwriting one another would be limited to that fiasco with the undying reptile, but this test seems to imply otherwise. Of course we wouldn't be that lucky.
RAISA has been instructed to modify the SCP classification algorithm to stop future SCPs from being given the previously-held numbers of deleted SCPs. Hopefully, this should prevent further incidents of this nature.
At the very least, consider it a tempora▟y workaround.

The second and third incident logs don’t exist, which is great. Let’s look at Incident Four.

BLACKBOX INCIDENT NUMBER: 0004
SUMMARY: [DELETED]
NOTES: Something's very wrong with the Foundation database. Edits are reverting, files are corrupting or deleting themselves at random. Redactions and blackboxes are appearing wh░re vital information was present only yesterday. At this point, there's a good chance this incident log won't even make it into SCP-6183's documentation.
We are rapidly careening towards an i▟ternal communications blackout unlike anything we've dealt with before. As of this moment, nine secure facilities are considered inactive or dark, with thirteen others perilously close to the same fate.▆▙▝

Well, this is really, really not good.

database incident_logs_db.xml cannot be read because it is corrupt or in use. please contact your system administrator for more details.

Things are just getting better and better.

BLACKBOX INCIDENT NUMBER: 1416
SUMMARY: [DELETED]
▞▞▁░█: This is how it ends, isn't it?
[DELETED]

Ah. Well, then.
Addenda 13 to 16 don’t exist either, but 17 does. It’s regarding the exploration of Research Station Mnemosyne- some Department of Deletions agents sent the Foundation an invitation, so they sent a D-Class to go hang out with them.
Billith elaborated a bit on the nature of RS Mnemosyne for me, so I’ll just put this here:
RS Mnemosyne exists in the Gray, and just like Deletions personnel, forms from pieces of deleted locations that haven't yet been fully overwritten. It typically exists outside of Foundation timelines, where personnel (named N/A) can freely take the form of any combination of constituent blackbox matter in their gestalt without the falling apart/losing cohesion like when they manifest in an actual timeline.
It’s not really relevant, it’s just a cool bit of info for you.
Our D-Class, D-6183, heads down the path as directed. He comments that the hallway he’s in looks more like a home than a research station, that it’s surprisingly cold, and that there’s a humming noise, though the microphone doesn’t pick it up. As he progresses, he comments that as cliched as it sounds, it’s too quiet. He later adds that the station is totally empty and clean, and that ‘the hum is not just a hum’. When asked, he says that ‘It’s not just a sound, it’s a physical sensation. Something about the darkness. It’s thicker than regular air. It vibrates in my chest when I breathe.’
(There’s also a few comments about how the D-class are all going to be watching Coco later. Billith had to clarify this for me because I don’t know much about Coco other than that it’s a movie, but apparently in Coco, ‘the dead remain alive as spirits until they are forgotten by those who knew them.‘ Keep that in mind.)
A short while later, they lose contact for about ten seconds. They get audio back, but not visual, and then…

It's my fucking hand! It's made of… candlewax… It even has a wick running through the middle finger. God. I can't feel it. What is going on!?

Well, shit.
Control activates the safety tether, trying to get D-6183 out, but when they get the tether back, it’s attached to the harness D-6183 was wearing, without D-6183. And then he says this:

D-6183: Yeah. The upper half of my body is gone. When did that happen?
Control: You… don't seem too concerned.
D-6183: I am. Well, I was, but that was before I uh, started turning into candlewax and uh… fucking fettuccine.

That’s a new one. Though it does give me flashbacks to that one skip where an MTF got killed by pasta.

D-6183: Yeah, well, feels like time doesn't move the same way over here, as if I can see ▃ ▊ ▄ ▜▜ ▏▆ ▜▞ ▍▐ ▂▚▟ and it can see me too. Sometimes you talk really slow, sometimes I can barely keep up. Other times you just ignore me completely. I'm also realizing that I'm not alone down here. Never was.
Control: Who is with you?
D-6183: Me. Pieces of me, and pieces of others. So many little fragments, in these black clouds. You— You soak them up and they fill in the blank spaces that have been erased. Deleted. Like a thousand thousand-piece jigsaw puzzles, all with missing pieces, thrown into one box. A puzzle can be completed but the picture is a patchwork. I feel hundreds down here. They're all waiting. Waiting to die, but death never arrives. The construct is flawed. The wheel has been broken. The mirror reflects a negative. Equal and opposite forces. Why does this feel familiar? Who am I?

And suddenly the pieces are falling into place. (Also, that bit after 'as if I can see'? That's 'the BUREAUMANCER'. Keep him in mind for later.)

I think— I think I've been marked. It's why I can't leave. Not this way.
Control: What do you mean?
D-6183: I got a pretty big promotion.
Control: Promotion? D-Class don't… get promoted.
D-6183: All the more reason to accept. They've even assigned me a super important mission.
Control: And what does this mission entail, exactly?
D-6183: Message delivery.

And that’s who Deleted is: he was originally this guy, and now he’s an amalgamation of everyone who ever got deleted, including bits of himself from previous deletions. I’ll add in what Billith told me:
The Barrier seems to be weak in some unknown, yet completely accessible portion of Site-19, causing D-6183 to slowly dissolve and begin to collect bits of others and himself from previous deletions he is unaware of. Thing is, he can't go back the way he came without dissolving even more, and it's painful. So he must continue up the stairs in the 2nd animated gif, saying he's been 'marked'.
There’s a final note:

And then there’s a collapsible to a recovered image. When clicked, it shows a distorted image of a corridor. However, that’s not the key info here: if you click that collapsible, the entire article gets deleted, barring four words: ‘[DELETED]’ and, a little further down, ‘does not exist’. Nifty trick.
So, what in the actual fuck is going on here? Well, thanks to a lot of help from Billith, I actually can give you some answers.
Firstly, SCP-6183 is not the process of deletion (OK, technically the process of deletion is SCP-6183-C, but you know what I mean), it’s the Department of Deletions itself. After all, it’s an alleged SCP Foundation department that came right the fuck out of nowhere, its agents are basically Gielinor), and its HQ doesn’t exist- why wouldn’t it get classed as an anomaly? But that’s just the start of it.
When I first read this, I thought that the story of the article was ‘how Deleted got made’. This is technically correct, but it’s not the main point. See, it comes back to that conversation with Genevieve- that’s the really important part. Quick recap/explanation:
1: What we’re reading is actually a time loop in an alternate timeline. This whole time, Deleted has been working on the problem ‘of solving the buildup of blackbox/patterns in the Database, and to warn Genevieve about some grave threat in the future’, as per word of Billith. Genevieve thinks that Deletions should be dealing with the former, but apparently the Foundation has to be the one to fix it.
2: The amount of anomalies has increased drastically, there’s a big anomalous waste problem, and dealing with them both is rapidly becoming something that the Foundation simply cannot handle. As a result, the Foundation decides that the Department of Deletions is the answer to their prayers and works with them to start deleting anomalies instead of decommissioning them. This actually works for a while (with the exception of 682, because as we all know, Genevieve is a fucking idiot). (Billith told me that Deleted did try to stop her from doing anything related to 682. Good man.)
3: Everything starts going horribly wrong, because of Database corruption. It starts with hallways turning into Mystery Dungeons, because ‘the files that should be deleted from the database are only getting partially deleted and becoming heavily corrupted as a result. A mainlist article might be the only SCP that mentions a Site-8392948, so deleting the file should delete that site completely. if it doesn't get properly deleted (ie slot goblins), there could be portions that lead to nowhere, or to The Gray, since it's deleted and non-deleted space mixing’. Things do not get better from there and the weirdness doesn’t stop with hallways.
4: The DOD sends the Foundation an invitation, and they send D-6183 to go look in RS Mnemosyne. However, as previously mentioned above, the Barrier has become weakened in some part of Site-19, hence why D-6183 starts dissolving and turning into candlewax and fettuccine. He becomes part of the Deleted mass, which restarts the time loop.
5: As to what happens next, I’m going to directly quote what Billith told me, as there’s actually several options:
1. He nearly does so and gets shutdown/deleted by some unknown force ('[DELETED] is deleted')
2. fails to do so before the corruption/mega682 completely overtakes the timeline ('This is how it ends, isn't it?')
3. He gives up, breaking the loop, which is what was causing the buildup in the first place ('we are because we shouldn't'), ('equal and opposite forces'). If this occurs, then the timeline goes on to create 6820, and the Deletions assignment is complete ('[DELETED] does not exist')
4. People have asked me if it was possible for an alternative outcome where the timeline did not end up destroyed. ie, a "good ending"
I said while technically possible, [DELETED] has never seen evidence of that outcome so probably not.
So, either way, the timeline is fuckéd.
In addition, let’s look at the greater implications here:
1: From what we can tell, the Department of Deletions is trying to help/work with the Foundation to prevent major clusterfucks and ward off major threats, and ultimately, as per word of Billith ‘stop themselves from existing in the first place’, but there’s some sort of opposing force/enemy that seems to be interfering, at least in this case, which is causing time loops and Deletions agents getting fragmented/broken up and fused back together.
2: Anomalies are becoming more frequent and more resilient, and the Foundation is running out of ways to handle them. If something doesn’t change soon, the Veil is going to be a pipe dream.
3: There’s been references to something called ‘Bureaumancy’ and ‘the Bureaumancer’. We don’t know what/who that is or what they want, yet.
4: It’s starting to look a lot like someone or a group of someones is trying to engineer the Foundation’s collapse by getting them to try to handle big problems in such a way that they inevitably fuck it up, causing huge repercussions not only for them, but for entire timelines.
Am I right about that last one? Who knows? I’m sure we’ll find out.
But, before I conclude this, let’s go back to that bit at the start: you know how I said that all the potential meanings of ‘black box’ are the appropriate one here? Let’s look at them again.
‘1: Also known as a flight recorder- a recording device that’s placed in an aircraft to record information about the flight so that if the plane crashes, investigators can figure out why it crashed.’
In that sense, this whole document is a black box- it’s telling us how and why everything got deleted.
‘2: A computing and engineering term for a device or system where you can see its inputs and outputs, but not its inner workings.’
We don’t know how the Department of Deletions came to be, but we know what they can do.
‘3: Censor bars. Y’know, these little guys. ██ ██ ██ ██ ██ ██’
There’s a lot of redacted stuff in this article.
‘4: From the DOD hub itself, “Junk data surviving from previous narratives which have been deleted.”’
As the article told us, that’s everyone in the entire Department.
Nicely done, Billith and co.
And that’s SCP-6183: a solid example of why one shouldn’t assume that an option is a good idea just because it solves your problems. Thanks for reading.
​
​
tl;dr: object reference not set to instance of object ; tl;dr does not exist.

TLDR: AMAB questioning if I am MTF trans. I really questioned my gender for the first time 48 hours ago and I feel like I got hit by a freight train. I went from confident in my gender to being scared to accept. The short time window is also unnerving. With the shame, repression, and denial pushed away enough finally, I just don't see how I can confidently say I am cis anymore. This massive post is just my thoughts organized. Just hoping someone who has possible sat in my shoes just sees my story.
Today, I was going on my daily walk to get a little sunshine and clear my mind. This time it was mostly because I’ve had a thought rattling in my mind. But that doesn’t really describe it. It’s banging around in my head. I can’t think of anything else right now. It’s all encompassing and I know it won’t stop until I get my answer. I think I’m trans.
Only in what feels like both the shortest and longest 48 hours of my life, I first started to really question my gender. Like really allowing myself to ask if I was trans. Before there was a wall of shame and denial blocking that question from really being asked. The part of me that wants to bow to society's expectations is telling me that was for a really good reason. To really understand how I could go from being absolutely certain that I was a cis man to sitting down and writing this out, we have to start where it seems so many others in my shoes had to, fetishes.
I’ve always had a million kinks and fetishes all my life. This part will take more thought to feel really sure of, but now with the extra context of gender pushed into the mix, all of them really are truly about losing control in some fashion. I wanted to be free of any blame for what had happened to me. You couldn’t say I really wanted it because I didn’t choose. One that I have read other trans people have that fits this bill is transformation. My sex drive for the prior 2 weeks has been insatiable. I mean constantly horny. Throw in what is undoubtedly too much porn and you start to have to get the kinker and kinker stuff to get off. That eventually led me to really start exploring erotic hypnosis, but on myself. I’ve read a ton of erotica about erotic hypnosis but never really tried it. But then I found Bambi Sleep and decided to give it a go.
First off, no matter what a bunch of people might say on the Bambi Sleep subreddit and others that are focused on this specific kink, hypnosis can’t make you do something you really don’t want to do. For it to work and be an enjoyable experience, one has not only want it to work but think it will work. It really is just a tool for role play and a kink people have. And that last sentence is exactly why I think it worked so amazingly as an egg cracker for me. Honestly, it would be more accurate to say that it made me aware that I even had an egg to crack.
For those unfamiliar, Bambi Sleep is supposed to make one into a dumb bimbo who wants to worship cock called Bambi. Most importantly for me, is that Bambi is a woman. So there I was putting on some noise canceling headphones and just a womens thong at least 1 size too small(part of the triggers that are supposed to be installed is a uniform so that they only become Babmbi when they wear it). I’m going to have to shelve the Bambi Sleep for a second because of the obvious, the women's thong.
My entire life I have felt repressed. That word is really starting to capture how I feel as a whole. Repressed in that I don’t feel I can just be myself at all. Like I am constantly faking the ever living shit out myself. I feel like I deserve an Oscar for how good I fake myself all the time. Like I’m on stage on opening night for a play but I was never given the script for or even told I was going to be in a play. But I nail it somehow and it’s a great success and they rewrite the script entirely to fit what I said. But think about how much anxiety one would have if put in such a situation. What it would feel like to have the whole world looking at you and you don’t have a clue what your first line is. That’s how I have felt almost all the time except with the very closest people in my life. That feeling never changed, I just got better at playing my part. No matter how many times people close to me tell me that I have good social skills, I don’t feel that way at all.
Over the last 2 years I’ve realized that feeling of being repressed and have been searching for answers on why I just don’t feel happy. I’ve been lucky to have a lot of success in life to the point where I only have a few very small places I could point to and say, that’s making me unhappy. That has been a blessing because it forced me to finally look inward. I feel very cheated being raised as a man because I was never given the emotional tools to understand myself. So as I started my journey to actually try and feel more than 2 emotions, horny and angry. I noticed that I feel shame all the time. The second I felt shame I would shove down whatever it was that caused it because it felt just so terrible. To fix this I learned the most important emotional skill of my entire life so far, being okay with not feeling okay. That the world was not going to crumble down if I felt strong negative emotions. So I felt them and became mindful of them and shame was the one that kept coming back. So I decided to act in a manner that matched my morals, not some shame I got. So I bought some thongs off of Amazon because the shame no longer stopped me. That I wanted to wear women's underwear and I could repress the shame. And at the time it was just for some silly kink anyway. But I had to do all that important emotional work before I put on those headphones, otherwise I don’t think it would have affected me this way.
So I listened to Bambi Sleep for 3 real sessions and each time had a great experience. For the first time in my life when I was awake, I was able to lay still entirely for an hour and a half. Touching on this briefly because it’s unavoidable, but I’m confident I have mental health issues that lead to constant fidgeting. No exaggeration about the constant part. Most of the time I’m unaware of it because it’s entirely subconscious. The other part of the experience that felt amazing is mental clarity. I felt so incredibly relaxed and I was able to actually focus on the voice intently. Usually I have a never ending stream of thoughts that distract me. I’m usually either living in the future or the past, rarely the present. I never knew it was possible to feel so rested. But to make this experience so incredible, I had to do two things earnestly that I had never done before. Remember, this is supposed to turn you into a bimbo WOMAN. So for the first time in my life I told myself I wanted to be a girl and really wished it would work.
After the 3rd session I sat there, well masturbating in all honesty, and read people's experiences with Bambi because it perfectly fit my give up control and transformation kinks. It was arousing. This led me to reading a post by a trans woman about her experience using Bambi and how it allowed them to accept themselves and live life as the woman she wanted to be. I can’t deny that I have always been enamored reading about trans experiences. I’ve never been able to answer the why behind it but I think I might know now. So enamored by the experience and aroused by this idea of it working and turning me into a woman, I clicked on their profile and read about their experience. That leads to a classic reddit post asking how one knows that they are trans. In this post I read something I already knew intellectually but could never have allowed myself to feel emotionally. That the only thing that makes a person trans is identifying as a gender they weren’t assigned at birth. That is the end of the story. It’s one sentence.
*small crack*
Pandora’s box is wide open. I had just walked straight into a bright red barn door and didn’t even know it. With my emotional work and a little help from hypnosis, I let the thought that causes me to feel so much shame enter my mind for the very first time. Am I trans? Because I just sat there for the last couple of days enjoying wearing women's underwear for a couple hours and enjoying the fantasy of being turned into a woman. And if only one thing makes you trans then that would mean that I’m trans? I had to do what so many had done before, answer the question honestly. It wasn’t going away. I didn’t want to shove it down. And my own mind had caught me red handed with the evidence that I might really be a woman. With all the practice over the last couple years, I sat there with my heart beating through my chest and felt okay that I was feeling the intense emotional turmoil that I am completely unsure of my gender. So I went and tried to answer it. I started with Reddit of course and started to see a trend of resources that were consistently recommended. The two I can find that really helped won’t be a shocker. Gender Dysphoria Bible and Turn Me Into a Girl. One more I can’t find is a blog style one that had a couple of blogs about coming out and then figuring out they were transgender. In one was a webcomic about a man realizing he is trans. It starts with him alone, then the woman version of himself appears and the man version disappears once they accept themselves. Leaving the real version of themselves, her. I can’t find the blog anymore but we will touch on this more.
Unable to do anything except keep reading, I click and read through Turn Me Into A Girl. All the tweets in the sidebar. Almost all the questions that someone is doubting who they are would ask. All the reasons they just couldn’t be trans. I felt like my mind was being read. It was the start of connecting to an experience I have just never felt. Feeling understood. By the time I scroll back to the top I know exactly what that button does. At this point my body is buzzing all over. It feels good but at the same time scary. My mouse hovers over the button that I know means something profound about my identity. I click. I’m excited, I can’t deny. Every single time I see a heart pop it builds this feeling I don’t think I’ve ever felt, like I could power an entire city with the amount of electricity rushing through my body. And there it was exactly what I expected to see. It told me I was a girl and only a girl would click that button. I genuinely thought of myself as a woman outside of a sexual manner and loved it. I was so happy a stupid website called me a girl. I felt another emotion I can’t recall ever feeling before, euphoria.
*another, louder crack*
At this point I’m pretty much shaken to my core. My only choice is to keep going. One profound experience wasn’t going to answer this question. So I went through the Gender Dyspohria Bible because despite probably feeling stronger than I’ve ever had, I had a million doubts. An amazing resource that has helped me understand what being trans would really mean. I don’t have much to say about the website other than it heavily influences everything I have said. But let's touch on the webcomic I mentioned. More specifically, how it made me feel. As I read through it felt like the author and literally opened a window into my soul. I have never in my life resonated with a piece of media like this. And then the final panel, the moment where the man disappears and only the woman is left. This is the moment I’ll never forget because it’s impossible to deny and it is my real true moment of clarity. I have never so desperately wished for something in my life. I have never felt such envy. It’s painful to even think about really. In a way I don’t even want to find it again but I will eventually. But I also knew that those feelings can only mean one thing. That I’m trans.
*egg shatters*I am by no means anywhere near close to acceptance because it’s only been 48 hours, but I know in my heart and future self that I will recognize this moment for what it truly is. I want to deny it. I want to wake up like this was all a crazy dream. But from that moment forward I felt I had no choice but to fully explore it. If it feels wrong it will be obvious because this feels so right. That I was going to journey until I found the end of the long, winding road of what my gender is and how do I want to really present it. From here on out I can’t lock down my feelings to specific events. That night as I layed in bed and didn’t sleep a wink. I focused purely on the feelings around being a woman. Nothing else like the process of transitioning because I knew it was going to cloud my thoughts. This leads to the first major fantasy I allowed myself to have. Something that felt grounded and real but was safe because it sounded far off in the future still. I would somehow meet a trans woman and we would become amazing friends as they helped me explore my gender in a safe and comfortable environment.
You can’t really capture a couple hours of fantasy but I’ll describe the main one that keeps circling my head. I get there and it starts with us talking for hours because I need to explain the million thoughts that have been racing through my head since I first discovered it. I’ve been forthright and they know exactly why I am here. So we do. I eventually work up the courage and ask them to go through with the whole original plan I told them. To call me she/her and let's play dress up. Like please dress me up fully as a woman. I want a full face of makeup. Anything that isn’t permanent is fine. We do and I finally open my eyes. And I see Her. I look pretty. Somehow I manage to pass because I now realize that it’s not the woman's clothes I want to tear off anymore, it’s that the idea of looking like a man still makes me feel disgusted. I want to open my eyes and just see a woman. And then I freak the fuck out because now that I can see her my stupid ass can’t put it back. And the moment comes along that ultimately will feed the rest of the fantasies that I won’t touch in detail. It’s a fantasy so they know exactly what to say to help me feel better. They sit me down on their bed as I pace the room talking about how terrible this revelation is. Then she grabs my head and makes me stare her in the eyes. And she tells me that she thinks I’m a beautiful woman. I melt entirely. I lay in bed thinking of that moment over and over again as the waves of euphoria drown me. I love it. I love it because she affirms me as a woman. This is where my mind takes off with the other fantasies. Every single one is entirely non sexual and all about being affirmed as a woman.
Someone introduces me as their girlfriend for the first time. Euphoria. Girls night out and we get back home. They all view me as a woman. Euphoria. First time ever thinking about being someone's wife. Euphoria. Coming out to my older sister, who god bless has said some incredible kind and generous things about trans people, telling me how glad she has a sister and loves me for who I am. Euphoria. My best friend not giving a fuck and nothing changes except that he views me as a woman. Euphoria. Every single one that night was centered around being affirmed as a woman. I finally fell asleep for all of 2 hours. The next morning I laid there on my back doing a thousand yard stare at the ceiling. Allowing myself to think that I spent the entire night dreaming about being a woman, loving every second of it. And then that can of worms opens up and I ask myself. How could I have not realized this sooner? I certainly can’t turn around on this one way road but I don’t remember taking this exit.

Hey all, I’m just kind of curious as to your shoe size before transitioning and after. I (34 MTF) have always wore vans or converse, it’s just my favorite style of shoe. I wore size 12 in men’s I could squeeze in like an 11.5 if I had to but they were noticeably tight.
At around a year I was wearing a size 10, I am now almost two years on HRT and I’m wearing a size 9!!!
Like are my feet still shrinking?? Or are the sizes changing?? Wtf Is going on?!?

EDIT:
idk if it’s important or not, but I forgot to mention that we’re homebodies and don’t get out much. She’s also planning on working from home. I’m not sure if that makes a difference in this case to your comments but wanted to throw it out there. We wouldn’t really be in public but we’d live in more of a rural area where a lot of people know each other. Just so many factors. I have also seen or personally know other LGBT+ members that are well-known that haven’t had issues, but now it’s something personal since it’s my fiancé.
Please forgive me if I use the wrong terminology, I’m new to this. And feel free to let me know or educate me on anything, as I’m willing to learn!
TL;DR: fiancé is MTF and will look cis-passing before moving to TN from Cali and had F on license and will on documents. Will it be an issue or should we rethink our plans and stay where we are?
Some info:
So I (32F) have a fiancé (32MTF) who is pretty early on in her transition. She told me back around October and we have told my family, so that’s all good.
She’s been on HRT for about 3 months now, and finally starting to grow breasts, but they’re just barely growing. She plans to have just about every surgery/procedure, or main ones at least: FFS, TS, BS, VFS, and laser hair removal. I’m fully supportive in everything and she’s definitely a lot happier.
We currently live in Cali so all of that is not as big a deal as most places. However, after she’s done with school and stuff, we plan to move to West TN where I grew up and have friends and family. This was the plan before she told me she was trans. We still want to move there but I’m now kinda worried it might be the wrong choice because of the political climate in TN, or just the south in general.
I’m wondering if it’ll be a big deal since by the time we move there, she will have undergone everything; she’ll both be and finally look as cis passing? and has already changed her gender to F on her license and will change her important documents as well. I’m not sure if when we move or get health insurance that they’ll have to be notified of all of that.
Has anyone had experience with this or currently going through it now? Is it a bad idea to move back? It might be a year or year and a half til we move, but maybe we need to rethink our plans. I’m aware things might change politically but still trying to gauge things.
Any info or advice would be appreciated!

I feel so confused. Not sure where to start, or if this is even the right place. I feel so alone right now and so confused. I figured I’d just share my thoughts and feelings, and see what comes of it.
I’m 43 mtf, still closeted, though my wife knows after she saw my panties a few months ago. Things between us seemed to improve since then. Though this morning, she saw them on me and called me “weird”, and other not so nice names and asked me to get “male underpants that might be similar”. I told her no. That these are my underwear, and I’d appreciate her support. She walked out of the room and she’s withdrawn emotionally again, at least in this moment.
We’ve been married almost 18 years, and been together since high school. We have grown apart in so many ways, and really don’t have much of anything in common anymore. It’s been a deadbeadroom for many years (which coincidentally is probably the only reason we are still married, as she has never liked sex). I feel she is preventing me from having what I want most in my life - a family. (Really long story, though I believed she wanted children and turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong in my life, and my male fertility issues being the problem when we tried to conceive).
I’ve come to determine that I’m still with her because I really don’t know what I’d do on my own. I know I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, presenting as a man. Before I realized I am “straight”, I thought I could date men, but I don’t think I’m a gay male. Then it comes to the thought of transitioning. I feel like I know what I’d want to look like presenting as a girl, and I know I have no control over that. I feel I don’t want to transition without losing 40 pounds first, and (at this moment) I don’t want big boobs. I don’t think I’d want to go through surgeries. Though I don’t want to be a “man in a dress”. Thoughts seem to come, go, and change as I spend more time thinking about these things. (And I recognize all this could change during transition, and continued therapy).
The one thing I’ve always wanted was children, and a family. I know I can’t force my wife to have any, though I feel she is still my best chance to have a family. That, and I’m just so unsure of myself - like it feels like at least someone is willing to be with me, I’ll probably be alone if I leave her or transition. Leaving her without knowing who I truly am I feel would then cause me to be alone and closeted, with no chance at a relationship or having children.
And then when it comes to having children, it pains me I can never give birth to them.
I guess if I could I’d transition, look like I want to, meet the man of my dreams, there would be so much love, we’d start a family where I’d be mom and I’d be done with dysphoria. I just don’t see any of this as realistic.
All this while I’m still on TRT, treating my very low testosterone…which I can’t stand being on…or off (my T gets so low it creates anxiety and panic, and T is the only thing that helps that. Though I’m terrified of what T is doing to my body - though it seems to raise my blood pressure more than my T levels, though I do notice skin changes). I know if I stop the T I’d have to start E, and as exciting as that is, I’m terrified-wife would not support that, and again scared of what I’d end up looking like, and truly being alone, with no chance of having a family.
I’ve noticed that when my T levels are lower (though existent) I feel like my dysphoria is not as bad - in addition to all the other symptoms of low T. It’s not fun, though at least I’m not as dysphoric. I know it’s not healthy, both physically and emotionally, but I wonder if it’s just worth “existing” at this point.
Sorry for the giant ramble. Not sure what I’m asking for, but I appreciate you reading ❤️

Ive seen 2 posts on mtf with basically the same story: post op, didn't have to disclose, yet stupidly did, then got discriminated against and denied healthcare
https://old.reddit.com/MtF/comments/1cbacby/got_called_disgusting_by_a_se_today/
https://old.reddit.com/MtF/comments/1ccefj1/medical_discrimination_in_california/
Im like "welcome to my life lol but wtf did you expect??"
this is just a PSA to remind you to NEVER disclose, including to doctors, esp after srs: learn to lie effortlessly like ur life depends on it, bc it may eventually depend on it
Youve been raised with stories ab the medical system being here to treat you, the police to help you and all that bs but that's just what it is: BS STORIES!
ppl have started to grow up a bit and realize ACAB but Ive got news for you: it's the same for healthcare!
in ur dreams hospitals are populated with angels who treat everyone fairly, out of the goodness of their soul
irl, hospital are staffed by biased humans who like money, and you've got everything on the spectrum from MAGA wearing conspirationists who legit believes reptilians are infiltrated in the gov, to commies who would like nothing more to have you executed bc transition is a decadent bougeois luxury wasting money instead of feeding the poor or whatever they fancy
ok, maybe I'm pushing it a bit and not everyone is out there to get you, but its a safe bet to estimate 1/3 of the ppl hate your guts, 1/3 are inbetween slightly hostile to indifferent and would look the other way if the first third was to punch you in the face, and only the last 1/3 wants to legit help you
just bc someone has a medical license doesnt mean they are a nice person or care ab you or even want to help you at all.
yes, they may care ab the money you can give them, but not so much. like, how much can you give them for a few minutes of their day? they've got hundreds of patients each month, it means way more $$$ than your few $, so you just dont matter to them
ofc a medical license doesnt mean anything politically either - for all yk that fucker just came back from a trump convention to talk ab how to save america and sees you are a threat to the order god intended for the world lol
the worst ab all this is you can do nothing at all - ofc avoid standing out like an obvious target for their hatred, but know that fighting back will have bad consequences for you
Im now sup happy bc Im white passing. I still look a bit exotic but nothing too obvious and there's like a SEA OF DIFFERENCE in the before and the after of how Im treated - like, I can lower my guard and expect by default ppl not to be actively against me
but I havent always be like that, and Im no fool so I aint forgetting the past. ik how Ive been treated before, and Ill keep my damn clapper shut instead of blurting out Im trans or anything like that. if you need to speak ab your life reddit is for this, but IRL just DONT!
Its not perfect for me, like I still have to work on a few wrinkles left in my accent to sound as much as a white american woman as youd expect from my looks, but at least Im not self sabotaging bc uk the worst is to ACTIVELY GIVE INFORMATION to ppl who may hate my guts so DONT FKING DO IT!
dear white ppl born in the us with a golden spoon of privilege, Im sorry youre discovering the uglyness of the world but cmon, stop moaning, OPEN YOUR EYES, GROW UP AND ADAPT!
Ive been denied healthcare before. Ive written with my blood a big FU on the white walls of a very nice hospital who refused to treat me even with a fucking fractured bone - just to piss them off so theyve got the clean this mess as a biohazard - it's my way of flipping them the bird bc ik the only retaliation they'll get is other ppl complaining theyve had to clean up the mess
Ive learned one important thing: whatever you say to a doctor will be put in ur file, even (and especially) if you ask that not to be written, like you'll legit read "patient asks not to write" whatever. and like the cops say in your miranda rights, everything you say can be used against you
im not joking its rly like that: if you are curious, next time the docs or the nurse goes for a minute and you are left alone with their computer, go look what's in the notes on your file, you might be surprised by the shit you read if you've ever told them to not write down something. hopefully it will help you open your eye and learn to NOT trust them
now remember, only 1/3 of the ppl are nice and want to help u
so wtf do you think will happen when the remaining 2/3 read your file and find reasons to hate you?
from all that Ive learned to NEVER DISCLOSE NOTHING esp your trans past or the fun drugs you use bc it will follow you around
oh btw Ive got other bad news for you: doctors and hospitals love to share information and esp patient files! yk they ask your authorization when you go somewhere the first time? now yk why you shouldn't sign that!
also dont believe a fking world they say - they'll cook up whatever excuse to conveniently deny you shit - like in the first post how they said the blood pressure was too high to give hrt. yeah it works like that irl! hell Ive even been denied fking antibiotic eyedrops on similar bs excuses!!
ofc there'll always be a white knight for doctors saying "no, achtually they may have a legit reseaon in that super specific case blah blah blah ..." lol nope, it's just a way to get back at you like a school bully would, under plausible deniability should there be an inquiry
and dont be gullible like a kid who thinks complaining to the teacher does anything: if they are a nurse or a doc, THEYVE GOT NOTHING TO FEAR.
like, you make a complaint? it goes to their license board or whatever? in the absolute worst case, theyll get a slap on the writst and have to take a remedial class of "diversity training" or some other b.s. where they can sleep during the class if they want yet still be cleaned of all wrongdoings.
dont be no fool: nobody will be losing their job or their license bc they mistreat you, so dont think they have anything to lose if they get caught. they just want to avoid wasting the time on the wrist slapping (and the expense in case they ve got to pay for the diversity training class)
my rule of thumb: if youre white and american born YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW THE SYSTEM IS SETUP! it's rly rly not there to help you in any way, shape or form - if you create any trouble after being mistreated, the system will instead be used AGAINST YOU
yeah life is unfair now fucking grow up and KEEP UR CLAPPER SHUT and learn from the experience to not repeat the mistake another time
if you believe the lies that are shoved down your throat the only thing you'll get is being refused treatment and YOU will suffer the consequences, not someone else
there's nothing wrong is being trans or not being white... except in the mind of these crazies who you can meet anywhere including hospitals, and its in your own benefit to not feed their own brainworms when u are forced to interact with them BC U WONT EVEN KNOW THEY IDENTIFY AS CRAZY AND THEY WILL TRY TO HURT YOU ANY CHANCE THEY GET