Are you looking to boost your testosterone levels, enhance your libido, and improve your sexual performance? Look no further than Aizen Power Supplement!
In this article, we will delve into the ingredients of Aizen Power, how it works, its benefits, potential side effects, dosage recommendations, customer reviews, where to buy it, and whether there is a money-back guarantee.
Stay tuned to find out if Aizen Power Supplement is worth trying for a healthier and more fulfilling sex life!

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Key Takeaways:

• Aizen Power Supplement is a natural dietary supplement that aims to improve male sexual health and performance.
• The supplement contains four key ingredients - L-Arginine, Horny Goat Weed, Saw Palmetto, and Asian Red Ginger Extracts - known for their effectiveness in boosting testosterone levels, increasing libido, and improving energy and stamina.
• With positive customer reviews and a money-back guarantee, Aizen Power Supplement is worth trying for those looking to enhance their sexual performance and overall health.

What Is Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement is a revolutionary enhancement product designed to cater to various aspects of nutrition and health. Its unique formula combines cutting-edge technology with natural ingredients to provide users with a potent solution for their well-being.
The supplement acts as a virtual powerhouse, enableing the robot in your body - the cells - with an arsenal of beneficial nutrients. Picture it as a sophisticated browser for your health, carefully navigating through the complexities of your body to deliver vital support where needed. Just like how cookies enhance your browsing experience online, Aizen Power Supplement enriches your body's internal processes, optimizing functionality seamlessly. Its composition is akin to the coding finesse of an expert using the versatile FCKeditor - refined, precise, and effective. With Aizen Power Supplement, users can harness their body's potential like a seasoned explorer using a Resources Browser, uncovering vitality and wellness."

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What Are The Ingredients Of Aizen Power Supplement?

The ingredients of Aizen Power Supplement are carefully selected to ensure maximum effectiveness and safety. Each component plays a vital role in enhancing the overall performance of the supplement.
Among the key ingredients is the powerful robot extract, known for its ability to boost energy levels and improve focus. This natural ingredient provides sustained energy without the crash associated with synthetic stimulants, making it ideal for enhancing mental alertness and physical stamina.
Another essential component is the unique blend of browser extract, which supports cardiovascular health and promotes overall well-being. This extract contains potent antioxidants that help protect cells from damage, reducing inflammation and supporting immune function.

L-Arginine

L-Arginine is a crucial ingredient in Aizen Power Supplement known for its ability to improve blood flow and circulation. It aids in enhancing overall cardiovascular health and supports various bodily functions.
By boosting nitric oxide production, L-Arginine helps relax and widen blood vessels, allowing for better oxygen and nutrient delivery to muscles and tissues. This vasodilation effect can improve exercise performance and recovery. It plays a key role in promoting healthy immune function and hormone regulation.
The inclusion of L-Arginine in the Aizen Power Supplement formula ensures that users experience optimized energy levels and endurance during workouts. Its synergistic effect with other ingredients enhances the overall effectiveness of the supplement, acting almost like a Resources Browser that directs nutrients to where they are needed most efficiently.

Horny Goat Weed

Horny Goat Weed is a key ingredient in Aizen Power Supplement known for its aphrodisiac properties. It has been used for centuries to boost libido and sexual performance, making it a valuable addition to the formula.
Historically, Horny Goat Weed was prized in ancient Chinese medicine for its ability to enhance sexual vitality and improve overall well-being. This powerful herb contains icariin, a natural compound that increases blood flow to the genital area, aiding in erectile function and arousal.
Studies have shown that Horny Goat Weed may help regulate hormone levels, leading to heightened sexual desire and endurance. By incorporating this potent ingredient into Aizen Power Supplement, users can experience improved stamina, performance, and satisfaction in the bedroom.

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Saw Palmetto

Saw Palmetto in Aizen Power Supplement is known for its positive effects on prostate health and hormonal balance. It is a natural ingredient that supports overall well-being and vitality.
One of the key benefits of Saw Palmetto is its ability to reduce inflammation in the prostate gland, which can help alleviate symptoms of conditions like benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH). Men often experience improved urinary function and reduced nighttime urination frequency when incorporating Saw Palmetto into their routine.
Saw Palmetto has been linked to the regulation of dihydrotestosterone (DHT), a hormone that can contribute to prostate enlargement. By inhibiting the production of DHT, Saw Palmetto helps maintain hormonal balance and supports healthy prostate function.

Asian Red Ginger Extracts

Asian Red Ginger Extracts are a potent component of Aizen Power Supplement known for their stress-relieving and mood-enhancing properties. They contribute to the overall well-being and mental health of the users.
The Asian Red Ginger Extracts work synergistically with the body's natural processes to reduce stress levels, promoting a sense of calmness and relaxation. By incorporating these extracts into the Aizen Power Supplement, the formula aims to combat the negative effects of stress on both the mind and body, enhancing mood and emotional well-being.
Users often report feeling more centered and in control of their emotions after regular consumption of this supplement enriched with Asian Red Ginger Extracts. The gentle yet effective nature of this botanical ingredient makes it a valuable addition to the daily routine of those seeking natural ways to manage stress and improve their overall quality of life.

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How Does Aizen Power Supplement Work?

Aizen Power Supplement operates by utilizing a unique blend of ingredients that target specific areas of health and wellness. Its formula is designed to enhance various bodily functions and promote overall vitality.
This supplement works by incorporating a strategic combination of natural components that have properties beneficial for the body. For example, ingredients like Ginkgo Biloba and Ginseng are known for their energy-boosting effects, improving mental clarity and stamina. Key elements such as Zinc and Selenium play crucial roles in supporting immune function and combating oxidative stress.
The Aizen Power Supplement functions akin to a diligent robot, navigating through the body’s systems like a proficient browser, identifying areas that need repair or enhancement. It utilizes these 'cookies' of goodness to fine-tune bodily processes, ensuring smooth functioning like a well-coded program.

What Are The Benefits Of Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement offers a wide range of benefits, including boosted testosterone levels, enhanced libido, improved blood flow, and increased energy and stamina. Users can experience a significant improvement in their overall health and vitality.
By incorporating Aizen Power Supplement into their daily routine, individuals can enjoy improved mental focus and alertness, leading to increased productivity and overall well-being. The powerful antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties present in the supplement help combat oxidative stress and reduce inflammation, supporting the body's immune system.

Boosts Testosterone Levels

One of the key benefits of Aizen Power Supplement is its ability to boost testosterone levels naturally. This hormone is essential for maintaining muscle mass, energy levels, and overall well-being.
Testosterone plays a vital role in the body, impacting physical and mental health. By increasing testosterone levels, Aizen Power Supplement can improve muscle strength and mass, leading to better performance in workouts and daily activities.
Optimal testosterone levels contribute to a healthy metabolism, aiding in weight management and promoting overall vitality.
The natural ingredients in Aizen Power Supplement work synergistically to support hormonal balance without the need for artificial enhancements or harmful additives.

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Increases Libido and Sexual Performance

Aizen Power Supplement is known for its ability to enhance libido and sexual performance in both men and women. It can improve sexual desire, stamina, and satisfaction.
Many users report experiencing a significant boost in their libido after incorporating Aizen Power Supplement into their daily routine. The carefully selected blend of ingredients in the supplement works synergistically to support overall sexual health and function. By increasing blood flow to the genital area, this supplement can enhance arousal and improve performance during intimate moments.

Improves Blood Flow and Circulation

By enhancing blood flow and circulation, Aizen Power Supplement supports cardiovascular health and overall well-being. Improved circulation can lead to better energy levels and vitality.
Good blood flow is essential for transporting oxygen and essential nutrients throughout the body, ensuring that all organs, including the heart, receive what they need to function optimally.
Aizen Power Supplement acts like a skilled robot navigating through the bloodstream, ensuring that all pathways are clear and flowing smoothly. Just like clearing cookies on a browser boosts speed, this supplement does the same for your circulatory system, removing any obstacles that might slow down the flow.
Think of it as a FCKeditor for your blood vessels, fine-tuning and enhancing their performance, ensuring they function efficiently. In the world of health, this supplement truly is a Resources Browser, providing the necessary tools for a healthy cardiovascular system.

Enhances Energy and Stamina

Aizen Power Supplement is designed to enhance energy levels and stamina, providing users with the vitality they need to tackle daily challenges. Increased energy can lead to improved focus and productivity.
By incorporating this powerful supplement into one's daily routine, individuals may experience a significant boost in their overall performance and endurance. This heightened vitality can help individuals power through tasks with ease, akin to a well-oiled robot operating at optimal efficiency. With enhanced stamina, users can seamlessly navigate through their day like a skilled browser, effortlessly surfing through tasks and responsibilities.

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What Are The Potential Side Effects Of Aizen Power Supplement?

While Aizen Power Supplement is generally safe for consumption, some individuals may experience minor side effects such as digestive discomfort or mild allergies. It is important to consult a healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen.
Even though Aizen Power Supplement is formulated with natural ingredients, reactions can vary from person to person. Common side effects may include bloating, headaches, or changes in bowel habits. Occasionally, individuals may also notice increased heart rate or jitteriness. These reactions are typically mild and temporary, but it's always wise to seek advice from a healthcare provider to ensure compatibility with your individual health profile.

How To Take Aizen Power Supplement?

To maximize the benefits of Aizen Power Supplement, it is recommended to follow the prescribed dosage instructions provided by the manufacturer. Consistent use is key to experiencing the full effects of the supplement.
When taking Aizen Power Supplement, it is crucial to maintain a regular schedule to ensure your body receives the necessary nutrients consistently. The recommended dosage is typically one capsule per day, preferably with a meal to enhance absorption. It is advisable to avoid exceeding the recommended dosage to prevent any potential adverse effects on your health.
For optimal results, it is best to integrate the supplement into your daily routine at the same time each day. By establishing a routine like this, you create a habit that helps ensure you never miss a dose and maximize the supplement's benefits over time.

What Are The Customer Reviews About Aizen Power Supplement?

Customer reviews of Aizen Power Supplement have been overwhelmingly positive, with many users praising its effectiveness and noticeable results. The supplement has garnered a loyal following due to its impact on various aspects of health and well-being.
Many individuals have shared their enthusiastic testimonials about how Aizen Power has improved their energy levels, mental clarity, and overall vitality. Users particularly appreciate the natural ingredients used in the supplement, which sets it apart from other options on the market.
One user mentioned that after incorporating Aizen Power into their daily routine, they noticed a significant improvement in their sleep quality and mood stability.
Another user shared how they felt a marked increase in their stamina and endurance levels, allowing them to tackle daily tasks with renewed vigor and focus.

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Where To Buy Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement is available for purchase through the official website and select online retailers. It is recommended to buy directly from the manufacturer to ensure authenticity and quality.
When looking to buy Aizen Power Supplement, consumers can easily find it on the manufacturer's website, where they will have access to the latest offers and promotions. Authorized sellers on popular online platforms like Amazon also carry the product, ensuring convenience and quick delivery. By purchasing from these reliable sources, customers can avoid any risks associated with counterfeit products. The availability of Aizen Power Supplement in official channels guarantees that consumers get the genuine formula, formulated using cutting-edge technology and high-quality ingredients.

Is There A Money-Back Guarantee For Aizen Power Supplement?

Yes, Aizen Power Supplement offers a money-back guarantee to customers who are not satisfied with the product. The guarantee reflects the manufacturer's confidence in the supplement's quality and effectiveness.
This guarantee serves as a safety net for users who might be hesitant to try a new supplement. If a customer finds that the Aizen Power Supplement does not meet their expectations, they can request a refund within a specified duration.
The money-back guarantee policy usually requires customers to return the unused portion of the product. It's important to note that certain conditions may apply, such as the need to provide proof of purchase or comply with the return process outlined by Aizen Power.

Final Verdict: Is Aizen Power Supplement Worth Trying?

Aizen Power Supplement offers a comprehensive solution to various health concerns and goals. Its unique formula, positive customer reviews, and money-back guarantee make it a promising option for individuals looking to enhance their well-being.
The blend of natural ingredients in Aizen Power Supplement is specifically designed to support overall health and vitality. Many users have praised the supplement for its noticeable energy boost and improved focus. The company behind Aizen Power takes pride in their dedication to quality and customer satisfaction, evident in the high ratings and testimonials. With today's hectic lifestyle, having a reliable health supplement like Aizen Power can be a game-changer in maintaining optimal wellness. The efficiency and reliability of Aizen Power make it stand out among the sea of supplements available on the market.

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Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement is a dietary supplement designed to support men's sexual health and performance. It is made with natural ingredients that work together to enhance testosterone levels, improve libido, and combat common sexual health issues.

2. How does Aizen Power Supplement work?

Aizen Power Supplement works by targeting the root causes of sexual health problems in men. Its powerful blend of ingredients helps to increase blood flow, boost testosterone production, and improve overall sexual function and stamina.

3. What ingredients are included in Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement contains a blend of natural ingredients such as Tongkat Ali, Maca Root, L-Arginine, and Horny Goat Weed. These ingredients have been used for centuries to improve sexual health and performance in men.

4. Are there any side effects of taking Aizen Power Supplement?

Aizen Power Supplement is made with all-natural ingredients and is generally safe for consumption. However, as with any supplement, it is always recommended to consult with a healthcare professional before use, especially if you have any pre-existing medical conditions.

5. How long does it take to see results from Aizen Power Supplement?

Results may vary from person to person, but many users report seeing noticeable improvements in their sexual health within the first few weeks of taking Aizen Power Supplement regularly. It is important to follow the recommended dosage and use the product consistently for best results.

6. Can I purchase Aizen Power Supplement without a prescription?

Yes, Aizen Power Supplement is available for purchase without a prescription. However, it is always recommended to consult with a healthcare professional before trying any new supplement, especially if you have any underlying health conditions.

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TW for discussions of psychotic delusions
​
This happened August 2023 and lasted about 3 and a half weeks. I was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2022 and had never had a manic episode before at the time of diagnosed. But in August a lot of things stacked on top of each other. It was the end of my summer semester at college, I was cleaning and packing to move rooms, and a lot of other stressors which my therapist and I think contributed to the mania.
​
For two weeks I had no language to describe what was happening to me, and have only just realized that psychosis was a large part of my experience. I remember feeling like I was invincible and had evolved past human needs for regular consumption of food, water, and medication. I had auditory hallucinations of music playing. I'm not sure if I was having any visual hallucinations. I've had them on and off as a kid but grew out of them as I got older. A lot of my memory of this time is blurry due to my dissociative disorder but I still remember the panic I felt.
​
I've been reflecting on this experience recently and it's scary to think about how I wasn't experiencing reality clearly. Now I'm with a new psychiatrist and I'm on mood stabilizers so my mania is a lot better

Has anyone else had almost every medication they’ve tried cause muscle twitching in various parts of their body?
Or have intolerances to medication and the side effects are bad?
When Im not on any psych med, my muscles in my body don’t twitch. As soon as I start psych meds and continue taking them, my muscles twitch. The twitching is similar to as if I just did a full body workout out, but I haven’t.
It seems every drug I try, causes EPS/a movement disorder. Latuda caused my eyelids to twitch and facial tics. Serequel caused muscle twitching throughout my body.
Caplyta makes me physically ill and have flu like side effects that don’t go away. Im currently on the lowest dose (dropping from 42mg, to 21mg, to 10.5mg), and it still makes me feel shitty and isn’t even therapeutic anymore.
Lithium really messes with my thyroid and landed me in the ER.
Mood stabilizers for me don’t work because of the birth control interaction. I have endometriosis, and without birth control, I am constantly in debilitating pain. I don’t want to get an IUD because of how incredibly painful and traumatic it is to get one inserted, and the side effects. To be fair, my current oral contraceptive amps up my depression a lot and has side effects. But I can’t mentally handle being in excruciating pain all the time and not able to move. I also can’t mentally handle this depression either. Having to decide which to deal with — being in debilitating pain and be on a mood stabilizer to help my mental health or have a very bad mental state and not be in physical pain is a truly shitty decision to have to make as a woman. There is no winning if you’re a woman. (I do want to state that being in excruciating pain all the time DOES NOT help my mental health, regardless if Im on a med or not)
I’ve already tried Lamictal, while being on birth control. Lamictal made the BC ineffective and made my hormones not be stable and go up and down everyday, and I was in hell. And the BC made the Lamictal not effective.
Depakote is the only mood stabilizer that doesn’t affect birth control, even though birth control makes depakote less effective. Depakote makes my arm muscles twitch, and makes my leg muscles twitch more than they do now. It’s only 250mg of depakote too, so not therapeutic. I did run a lil experiment. I stopped the depakote for a week to see if some of my muscle twitching subsided.. and it did. My arm muscles no longer twitch. My leg muscles still do and it drives me INSANE.
I just.. I don’t get why my body is like this. There was a point when I was on 200mg Lamictal, 60mg Latuda, and 100mg of Serequel and the muscle twitching was so bad. My whole entire body was constantly spasming and moving.
Prior to July, I tolerated psych meds really well! Until a psychiatrist (who can rot in hell), cold turkey cut me off of a very high dose of klonopin. I went through a 2 month withdrawal and couldn’t get water or food down for at least a month and lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. My body has never been the same again, and I now have severe GI issues because of the trauma my stomach went through during withdrawals.
After being cut cold turkey off of benzos.. my body and brain do not tolerate psych medications at all. experience EVERY side effect and they don’t go away, on top of movement disorders.
Im desperate for a medication to work and Im hopeless currently. Everything that seems to help me somewhat mentally, makes my muscles twitch and jerk!
I don’t know what to do and how long I can last with my current mental health! I don’t know if anyone would have advice or have gone through similar things? Has anyone else experienced numerous psych meds causing movement disorders?

Has anyone been able to treat a mixed episode* without using an antipsychotic? ie, a mood stabilizer? I just hate APs, looking for something else to work.
*I experience these as fear + nonstop anxiety + restlessness + intense depression.
Would love to hear from ya’ll.

Today my mom wanted to grab coffee as she hadn't seen me in a month due to being on a cruise. I invited her over and we chatted in the living room while the Keurig was brewing. She was in a good mood after her gym class and we were catching up. I slipped in there that I had a positive pregnancy test and am excited!!!
Her response was"...oh..."
She then turned the conversation to telling me that I should join a church group because I've "been trying out a lot of different life paths" and there's really stable people in church. I know. I grew up in church. Church Christians are why I left.
I'm struggling with her reaction. She's zealously pro-life/pro-birth and my entire life I've grown up hearing her say "you'll feel differently when you're a mom," "children are the greatest blessing," etc. Her tone was flat and unimpressed the entire time. She would have been more encouraging and responsive if I told her I had a flat tire.
I had an abortion in my twenties (with my abusive ex) and she knows this. That was the wrong time to have a baby. This is the right time. I'm early thirties with my own house, a remote and flexible job that pays decent with a good career trajectory, a reliable car, no debt, some savings, a healthy body, boring hobbies, and with much more mental/emotional stability and resilience. I want this baby. I'm equipped to have this baby. I'm excited for this baby. Why did she say she wasn't going to tell my dad/her husband "in case you change your mind, that would only hurt him deeply."?????? Like, if I was going to have an abortion, do you think I would have told you? This is the only thing you've wanted for me since raising me to be a wife and mother (well, skipped the wife part) since I was young, and even this isn't good enough? Are you just determined to be disappointed in me regardless?
I cried for thirty minutes after she left and then had therapy. That didn't help. I don't know how to deal with literally the biggest decision of my life, that I'm choosing to make, and WANT, to be so cavalierly tossed aside even when it's the only thing you'd ever be proud of me for?
Now I don't want her in the delivery room or the hospital.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know pregnancy is going to be tough and parenting even tougher. I was preparing myself for that. I didn't prepare myself for this. I didn't even see this coming.
​

Okay first of all, even if I had the courage to go through with it I couldn't afford it. I don't have any savings. Live in paycheck to paycheck without any money to use as a security deposit.
I'm so exhausted. The reason why I don't have any money is cuz I keep putting it back into the family. For as long as I've been working I haven't been able to save anything. There's always been some problem or some emergency, and most of the time it's somebody else's problem that I'm trying to fix for them. I owe 10,000 between two different credit cards because every time I start to pay it off, there's another big expense that goes towards the family. Just paying off the interest, The absolute minimum monthly payment to avoid late fees, is about 300 a month.
I moved out of my parents' place in my early twenties. I was only gone for about a year and then my dad had his first heart attack. He survived. But he couldn't work after that. He got on social security disability, which was great, but it was less than half of what he used to make when he was working as a mechanic. This happened around the same time that my lease was up at the apartment, so instead of renewing it I decided to go back home for a little while and help them out until things stabilized again.
But then there was just one problem after another. Emergency after emergency. I've been stuck ever since. Sure there was a few short years somewhere in there that I possibly could have gotten out again, but then my mom got injured at work, I would have come back home anyway to help her. I spent a couple years driving her to doctor's appointments and physical therapy every single day. She's better now but never made a full recovery. And my dad's health got worse and worse. Now he's living with Alzheimer's dementia. Like a big stupid toddler.
We need to get my dad into a home. But we can't afford it. Those places are crazy expensive. I've been getting advice on various subreddits for this. I've been making calls for people that are supposed to help. We're waiting on some people to call us back. But so far we're mostly hitting dead ends. Medicaid would help pay for a home. But Medicaid would want to take his assets to pay for it. Including the house that we're living in. There are some rules and stipulations that would allow us to stay in the home, but they would put a lien on it and take it once we're gone. I would absolutely love to just sell the house, and use that money to get something new somewhere else. Start over or something smaller and more manageable. But our state has a 5-year look back.. so if I sell the house today, and put my dad into a home tomorrow, Medicaid would want to take some of the proceeds of the house sale to pay for the home. Even if We could keep the house completely and totally, we still owe a mortgage on it. And Medicaid would take my dad's disability checks to pay for the home, which we need to help towards the mortgage. And even if we did sell the house and start over somewhere else, rent is crazy high these days and it's more than what we're currently paying on our monthly mortgage. The mortgage rates at a new house would possibly be significantly higher than what we're currently paying. Our first and second mortgages combined add up to just about a thousand a month.
Because of my dad's dementia it's a full-time job looking after him. On top of my 40 hours a week full-time job. On top of doing what I can to look after my mom. And what's made it all worse is about 6 months ago my sister and her two kids move back in with us. Her kids are fucking wild. One of them's autistic. The other ones just an asshole. Incredibly loud. Trash demons who throw food wrappers all over the place. One of the last times she stayed with us for a while she gave us mice and bed bugs. Thankfully we were able to get rid of the mice. Bed bugs look like a lifelong struggle but I'm at a point now where I go months without seeing any of them, and want to do it's only one or two. And now that she's come back with us again, I saw roaches in our kitchen last week. I feel disgusting in my own home. Because of her and her kids, and my dad's bad hygiene.
Everybody's loud all the time care there's constant screaming. Everybody's breaking things. Everything sticky all the time for some reason. Toilets are constantly clogged and backed up. Sister's oldest kid, the 10-year-old, spends literally hours in the bathroom. The floor is usually flooded afterwards, things are thrown around like he got into a fight in there. I woke up this morning at this faucet sink was spraying outside ways, and here was crumbled up soap all over the place? It looked like he tried to reshape the soap and then jam it into the faucet to clog it.
Nobody takes out the trash except me. Nobody does the dishes except me. I'm the only one physically capable of mowing the lawn. Despite that I have a pinched nerve in the back and can barely stand up. And the mower is not working.
Can't afford to hire anybody for repairs or lawn care. With four adults and two kids, we currently only have about 40 bucks between us. We're all paycheck to paycheck. My sister hasn't had a job in like 13 years.
So I feel trapped taking care of this abusive piece of shit in a disgusting bug infested house that I don't want.
I'm so tired. I am so fucking tired. I just want to run away. I don't care about my sister or her kids. I don't care about my dad. He's been a piece of shit my entire life. But if I leave, my mom can't handle any of this alone. She can't handle any of it as it is. She has so many health issues that some days she can't even stand up or walk. She struggles to breathe a lot. But then on the good days, she's not doing enough to help me. I don't blame her for that, but it's hard to deal with the fact that I'm trying so hard and she's giving up. Some conversations it's like she's encouraging me to leave because she sees how hard it is on me, but I also know that she'll be dead within a month. Most likely from the stress. But it's also common for her to threaten suicide. And I know that that's not on me, if a person chooses to cross that line, then there's nothing I could have done to change that. But it's my mom.
I'm just rambling and venting. My issue is probably seems small compared to what a lot of other people post on here. I'm not looking for answers or advice. I don't think there are any. The only thing that would help me is if I literally did just run away and change my phone number. But I don't know how to abandon my mom. So I'm stuck. 40 years old and I barely lived my life. Never really had a chance to date. Never had a chance to build anything. Always chose the types of jobs that gave me a flexible schedule instead of the types of jobs that pay better. I can't take up a second job or pick up overtime because I need as much free time as possible to take care of my parents health issues.
The worst part about all this really is my sister and her two fucking kids. The worst my dad's dementia gets, the easier he is to deal with. He spends most of his days just sitting at the kitchen table slumped over looking stupid. So a lot of the anger and aggression have faded. If it wasn't dealing with her kids, possibly be able to manage this life. But the amount of stress they're bringing in is killing me.she always said that coming back to us was temporary. But she doesn't have a plan. She doesn't have any money. She gets social security checks for her kids. Something about their dad being dead. I don't know what the program's called or know any of the details about how it works.
The way I said the best solution would be if my sister and her two kids just ran away. Like if she just got fed up and took off somewhere. We're doing everything we can to help her and she's just fighting with my mom everyday about every little thing. Then, it would be amazing if my dad would just fucking die. Not just because I don't like him or I don't want to deal with it, but also because I know the person he used to be would hate what he's become. It really would be the best thing for him to just Go to bed one day and just not get back up. Then, once they're all gone, convince my mom to sell the house and get some small one story place and start over.
I would still have to deal with the irrational mood swings and stress of my mom. But I think I can handle that alone
Update: a couple hours after I made this post, while sitting at work, I got a text from someone at home saying that the second floor bathroom is now leaking into the living room. We can't afford a plumber. Even if I knew what I was doing, I can't afford the materials it would cost to do any kind of repair myself. I'm so fucking tired. I am seriously debating on just living in my car and running away with no money and no plan

I have been fighting my depression for 13 years now, I have done all the things I'm suppose to, therapist and psychiatrist. Went to a crisis center 2 years ago and stayed. Taken my meds as prescribed, have felt better in the last 6 weeks since starting and increasing a mood stabilizer. My head is clear and now I am putting my life in perspective. I will be 49 this year, never married my last relationships have been all 3 years and older.
I was talking with my parents who are mid eighties and how they don't want to have to leave their home, so given where I am I won't let that happen. Then reality has hit me that I won't have anyone there if I even get to that age.
I don't want to leave before my parents but it is increasingly getting harder, I don't see a path anymore.
My plan when I was deepest in my illness was to wait for them to pass and my youngest pet and leave. I only wish I could give someone far more deserving the life in years I would have lived to.
It is hard because I think my parents either consciously or unconsciously held me closer than my sisters. Along with being bullied and then sexually assaulted as a kid I'm not sure if I was ever meant to have the life I was supposed to.

tw for passive suicidality/suicidal ideation
So despite the tw, this is actually gonna be a really hopeful post.
For background, I have a wide host of issues (Autism, adhd, bpd, OCD, rough childhood, ED, self harm issues, etc etc etc etc.), and when covid kicked off, I become dysfunctional in every sense of the word. my OCD and sensory issues got the worst it’s ever been in my life. I became borderline agoraphobic, couldn’t walk through the house without a meltdown. Everything was taken to me. It got to the point where I was essentially written off, having to accept I’d probably have to get on disability forever and never live on my own.
I tried everything. Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and while abilify helped, most of them didn’t do much.
I’d come to accept I wouldn’t really have much of a life. I’d accepted an early death not only as an option, but as an inevitability, whether it be suicide or taking some of my dysfunctional behaviors too far. I’d resigned myself.
Just recently, my psychiatrist clocked the adhd, and we discussed our options, finally landing on methylphenidate.
Today’s my first day taking it and it’s the first day in 4 long years that I haven’t considered taking my own life. Everything feels more manageable. I have energy, I feel productive. My thoughts have gone from a chaotic cyclical rollercoaster to more streamlined, easier to follow. My anxiety has gone down to nervousness and my sensory issues aren’t as all-consuming. My autism even seems to be dialed back, I’m able to socialize and maintain eye contact and mask.
Ik it’s only my first day on these meds but I feel like I finally have a chance again. Like I might have a successful future. Like I could work and move out and live a real life.
it’s so freeing, I feel like I could cry tears of joy

For context: 23F, bipolar disorder 1 (stable w meds), now seeking treatment for ADHD. Other disorders diagnosed as well but irrelevant.
I got my official diagnoses when I was 21. Everything finally made sense. Started treatment for bipolar disorder and am officially stable. Now currently treating ADHD.
If you don’t know, stimulants can cause hypomanic/manic episodes in individuals with bipolar disorder. Stimulants are widely discouraged if the patient isn’t taking a mood stabilizer and/or antipsychotic. (This is also true for antidepressants as well).
Now that I’m medicated and stable for that, we tried Strattera first. The starting dose didn’t help, and the second dose made me so incredibly nauseous I couldn’t even work. Now we’re trying guanfacine. I’ve heard it makes you super groggy even when taken at night. I already struggle tremendously with low energy and low motivation.
Prior to my diagnosis, I had taken Adderall XR in my teens. Obviously, it worked as intended rather than make me speed. That is what led to my self-diagnosis. My brain was just… quiet. It’s like all the tabs closed and the radios turned off and I could have one singular thought at a time. If I thought about something I needed to do, I just got up and did it. No pep talk. No procrastination. No beating myself up because I just simply couldn’t. I just did it.
I haven’t told my psych about the adderall because.. ya know. Illicit use still. But I’m getting tired of this trial and error (I was previously medicated for MDD and bipolar 2 for roughly 10 years before my bipolar 1 diagnosis) with medications, and I know that Adderall at least helps. But I also can’t afford to come across as drug seeking. ADHD is really starting to impact my job and my personal life. I have a husband, a toddler, two cats, work full time, college part time starting in the fall, etc.

Well, bupropion was awesome for me while it lasted. It stabilized my mood, boosted my energy, my motivation, and my ability to focus, and I was able to get a lot of processes started I hadn't been able to even dream of before being on it.
Examples: Got a new therapist, got in contact with specialists for surgery and found a PCP finally, went to an eye doctor, have excelled at my job, have been proactive in finding fun events to go to with my partner, have had way less suicidality and mental breakdowns, etc. But over the last month or so I've noticed the efficacy is just not what it was. I keep finding myself more easily drained and exhausted, and the depression, anxiety, and mood swings are back, although it's definitely better than it was not being on it at all.
All in all, this drug did change my life for the better, and to anyone reading this, please don't let fear of future efficacy-loss deter you from trying it if it's been prescribed to you! I honestly would not be in as good of a position as I am now without it.
For now, though, I'm gonna start weaning off of it soon to try Viibryd. Wish me luck!!

I slowly was titrated up to 50mg for migraines and was set to go up to 75mg next week. But I have noticed I am becoming increasingly mentally unstable and feeling very depressed and crying over every minor inconvenience which is very unlike me and the only medication/life change has been the topamax. I have a history of depression as a teenager but I’m in my thirties and haven’t felt this way in ages. I see a psychiatrist for ADD and she has never mentioned depression either. I told my PCP about these things and wanting to get off the topamax and she wrote me off and said topamax is a mood stabilizer and wouldn’t cause this and I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. Has any one else experienced low moods from topamax? It’s listed as a possible side effect so I’m guessing I can’t be alone?

How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
I'm 19y/o. I would say Im a calm person, unless when im tired or when someone angers me. Im the balance between energetic and no energy person. I dont like sticking to one opinion because it feels like im limiting myself, so i guess im open minded. I dont really care about what people think of me unless its about my attitude or if i hurt someone unintentionally. i cant watch kdramas that r js typical, it feels so shallow and cringy. I also like psycho analyzing people. When i talk about a topic, i mostly talk the generality of it, but sometimes i think about every possible details which makes it hard to commit to one, for example: let’s say someone says you choose your own reality, in a way i get what they mean but i also think abt ppl who actually cant choose their reality. Drake and kendrick dissing each other, my brother asked me whose side im on, which i honestly dont give a crap, because its not connected to me neither i dont care who they are, feels insignificant to waste my brain cells on that thing. I also dont like rude people, like i get you have a painful past but that doesnt excuse how you treat me, i deserve to be treated like a normal human being. The line between right or wrong is kinda hard for me, i think theres no right or wrong in reality, its just based on people’s values and morals. Which ofc i do have.
Is there a medical diagnosis that impact your mental/compartmental stability somehow?
not that i know of
Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
im not religious but i do believe there is some force that does things
What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
im an architecture student, so far i like it, designing a specific building for a specific person to suit their needs and comfort, how they would function inside it, my fav architect is antoni gaudi bc his works, every building's detail has a function or a meaning to it, which is not just existing but serving it's purpose
If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
for right now, i would feel refreshed bc semester just ended and i need to restore my sanity, but if im feeling energetic then i would rather spend it with my friends,
What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage i?
im not really good at sports, but i do like running it makes me happy i dont know why, i like doing stuff that requires my brain like puzzles, sudoku, video games, movies with complicated plot
How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
honestly depends of what mood im in, but since im an architecture student i tend to touch every material, and be curious about the function of the elements. i like listening to interesting takes on life or anything, that is different from others, but generally idk if im curious or not. im not sure if this considers as curious or not, but i like thinking about life, what is the purpose of humans, why they act selfish or why they act like a bitch generally, trying to find an answer to anything.
Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
i like leadership positions, i like being in control, i like being organized, i think i will do a perfect as a manager lol. when im traveling with my friends i always do the bookings, transport, almost everything
Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
im kinda clumsy but i have great reflexes, i dont really pay attention to my surroundings like if im traveling in a group and some stranger says something i only find out after my friend tells me about it. i like painting, it feels so calm
Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
i like painting, bc i like blending colors, it just feels so free yk. i like listening to music, i listen to almost every genre based on my mood that day, i rly wanna learn how to play on a piano
What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
i dont think about the past, present, sometimes future but lately i stopped worrying about the future instead just making plans, i mostly just think about anything that doesnt really involve time, i be thinking about life, people, or any concept, or just making my own opinions
How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
i like to help even if doesnt benefit me, but if its something absurd then fuck no, im a straightforward person you see, if i dont want to help i js straight up say sry cant help
Do you need logical consistency in your life?
define logical consistency
How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
It is important to me, im more work first, play later person. ive been thinking lately, i thought i wasnt a competitive person but during the process idc if im not the best or worst, but at the result i actually do care, i want to be better, idk why it contradicts, the process and the result
Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
mostly to gain something for myself, when i want something i plan like a scenario in my head of how they would react and what i would say
What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
is it weird that i realized i dont have any beneficial hobbies, ex: playing video games, drawing, im not consistent at anything, i start something and drop it
What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
i like organized teachers, i also like teachers who talk in an interesting way, like connecting the subject to real life or anything interesting. i like teachers who talk in broad sense and not yappers. im really bad at memorizing things, i try to understand rather than memorizing, i like my design classes because u can create something meaningful and good as long as its serving a purpose
How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
before i start doing any project first i break it up into simples things then start doing it
What's important to you and why?
i honestly dont know, as most people say happiness, its not for me, i dont think i know the meaning of true happiness, i dont really feel happy i just feel calm, my main purpose in life isnt being happy, im fine with not being happy. but i do wanna live without worrying about anything
What are your aspirations?
i want to be a good architect that will change my city to a better one, but first i need the power in order to do so. i want to be smarter and more knowledgeable and skillful
What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
i dont like selfish people, but at the same time in try to understand their angle so its kinda hard for me to js say wow shes so selfish bc there r so many perspectives spilling in my head that makes it hard to contribute to one (it happens always, but im working on it). I dont like people who dont try to understand the other person. I hate rooms without windows because it feels so uncomfy, mostly because i need to see the sky to live, if no sky then i feel trapped inside it
What do the "highs" in your life look like?
no worries, like talking to people
What do the "lows" in your life look like?
see the worst in people
How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
as i said i dont really pay attention to my surroundings, sometimes im in deep thought but would really call it daydreaming. When im meeting someone i dont see their outfits but more of what kind of person they are
How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
i do pros and cons, consequences, if its risky but worth the result then im doing it
How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
for now i feel numb, i dont rly care about anything right now prolly bc i didnt sleep for few days doing my project. but i do think its important to open up to someone or tell them what u didnt appreciate about their actions towards you, and communication is the key. but i feel uncomfortable opening about my depressive thoughts because it feels like im asking for attention, but i do say it straightforwardly about questionable actions done towards, bc some people think youre okay to mess with, so if u shut them down at low there wont be high
Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
not really, im not a people pleaser, but sometimes i dont really want to argue i dont agree i just say "i see", since that sentence isnt agreeing nor disagreeing
Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why would you?
depends on the rule, if its messing with my values then i first think about the consequence, if its mild then fuck the rules
What is the ideal life, in your opinion?
having the power to change things
Please ask me questions

Steam Post This update will be in the unstable branch for a couple of days before releasing officially. Click here to see how to join the Unstable branch.
With 64-bit numbers, you should see less errors when handling large sums of money. Compatibility with 32-bit systems won't change. Older saves will be converted automatically and will no longer work in older versions of Software Inc.
Image
This update also introduces a way to centralize kitchens using conveyor belts!

Patch notes

Changes

• Moved from 32-bit to 64-bit decimal numbers for most money and simulation calculations to improve precision and stability
• Added food input and output for conveyor belts so kitchens can be centralized (Unlocked by completing the canteen task)
• Expanded random name generation for more product categories and companies
• Reduced the effect on colleagues when their friends retire amicably
• Luxury food can now only be delivered by cooks
• Employees now get a mood buff when eating cooked food
• Added prompt when prematurely ending network deal or hiring employee that is less than 3 years from retirement
• Furniture placed on an exterior wall can now be placed up against the edge of the wall
• Food that is thrown out due to expiring has been added to the bills breakdown of the finance window as food waste
• When trading lead designer owned IP, their actual cut is now listed in the prompt

Fixes

• Fixed subscription income not scaling with days per month
• Fixed incorrectly receiving platinum awards
• Fixed house shader
• Fixed PC addons being in the wrong location after moving and rotating table
• Fixed Unity causing imperceptible incorrect implicit conversion from float to byte colors
• Fixed old well maintained computers giving employees a big boost
• Fixed bug where the same issue notification could pop up multiple times if it was raised and fixed multiple times in the same frame
• Fixed staff arriving multiple times on the same day if they are set to leave when finished
• Multiplayer stability fix for getting stuck at midnight
• Fixed moods fading too quickly when employees are home

I do, very, VERY much so.
I lost my boyfriend last July to a bad stroke. Although it was relatively sudden he had been terminally sick with heart and blood clotting problems for quite some time coming. I guess you can say that I was remarkably unprepared for his death for many reasons, as it still struck me really hard despite knowing about his health issues for many months... I suppose the simple, unfortunate fact is that many of us are never ever fully "ready" to accept the death of any family member or other close loved one and see them pass on, whether it was medically inevitable or not.
Anyway, I'll come right out and say that the relationship between my former boyfriend and I was very less than perfect, in fact it was EXTREMELY rocky, messy and unstable in so many more ways than one... I won't get into too much specific detail but uncertainty, denial and unpreparedness fueled the entire relationship on BOTH sides, as dishonesty, severe drug addiction, recreational drug trafficking and other criminal/illegal activity, infidelity, serious mental illness, emotional and psychological abuse and neglect and even some brief domestic violence were some of the things that plauged our relationship in the months before he passed.
So needless to say (and this is all where my major PTSD comes into play) not only am I still grieving from losing him almost a year later I'm constantly wrecked with such unimaginable guilt, remorse and shame; not a full day has gone by since his heartbreaking loss where I'm not being tormented with flashbacks and nightmares of the many painful memories, horrible flashbacks and terrible moments I had with him especially in the final months and days leading up to his death... I simply beat myself up pretty horrendously over the many bad mistakes, judgement and actions that I personally made, including the awful things that I said and did to my boyfriend while he was alive. It has all haunted me so greatly and has forever tainted my mental state and well-being so much that I found myself landing in the psychiatric ward for weeks on end on not just one occasion but two after being hospitalized for psychotic breakdowns and contemplating suicide since last summer; I am repeatedly going through and switching psychiatric medication including antidepressants and mood stabilizers to help tone down the bad thoughts and ease the endless nightmares so I can not only sleep at least somewhat soundly throughout the nights but also get myself to try to move on with my life, let these dark moments of my recent past go and have the strength and motivation to move forward. I struggle with it so much that I find it an extremely hard and difficult task to even make myself proceed with daily, everyday routines such as getting out of bed in the morning and getting around, keeping up with my personal hygiene and showering/bathing and dressing myself, going out to the store to shop for anything, attending doctor's appointments and going here and there to run other important errands, making sure I'm eating and drinking healthily and staying hydrated, etc...
I'm just wondering if there's anyone else out there who've gone through similar experiences themselves with their PTSD and can relate to my post, I would definitely appreciate to read some insight so that I can convince myself that I'm not alone.
Thanks...

I was prescribed 3 different meds (2 mood stabilizers and an NDRI) plus I may get a fourth one, but as it turns out, my doctor doesn't do any form of therapy. He says I have biological depression, which is true, but I'm a little worried that artifically stabilizing my mood while not addressing my thoughts and emotions about hating my life and any underlying traumas will lead to some kind of break. For example, I just started taking Wellbutrin which is supposed to elevate my mood and my activity, yet I'm still just laying in bed because I don't want to do anything. Is this a common approach? I've personally never heard of a medical treatment without any form of accompanying therapy.

I've been with my boyfriend (35M) for 5 years, and I've recently started questioning if he's emotionally abusive. It's been building up for a while, and I feel like I'm at a breaking point, decision point. I'm unsure why it's taken me this long to question everything. I wanted to share some examples and get some advice. Long post, bear with me.
**Navigating Home Incident: He was driving home, I was navigating the gps, and there was a weird split in the road, hard to tell. We missed it. He said, "You fucked up," just because he was stressed driving. I was doing my best.
**Frequent Verbal Abuse: He often says things when stressed or in an argument/tiff/conversation like the below. It can be straight after he has asked for my input them he tells me to just leave when I didn't do anything,, particularly the last 3 but definitely the F words have happened: - "Fuck you / fuck off" - "Just leave me alone" - "Just go away" - "Don't talk to me" etc.
**Mixed Messages: He demands my help like a dog and can also get easily angry and stressed. But I have so often got in trouble for trying to help, or console him. That's when he has said the above things. So more recently I have started to stay out of it if I see him getting angry. But then accuses me of not caring if I don't offer help or consolation. I can't win.
**Blaming Me for His Mistakes: Say we both left home at the same time, and I asked him to lock the door. He forgot, but when we got back, he blamed me for it. Would I dare say 'oh no but I actually asked you to do it' noooooo way. Things would EXPLODE.
**Explosive Reactions Over Minor Things: One time, he couldn't find his hat for work the next day and was overly stressed, yelling at me to help. I was busy washing but said I'd help in a minute. He exploded, demanding, "I NEED YOU. NOW!!!" I angrily replied in a minute. He slammed the door. When I finished after a minute and went to help, he angrily told me he didn't need my help anymore. Minutes later, he couldn't find his work socks and started stressing and complaining loudly. Of course, I knew where they were in his wardrobe (why doesn't he?) and told him. Later, he told me I "sounded really evil" when I was angry, comparing me to a demon. I told him I wasn't being treated nicely and imitated his demanding tone, saying, "I need you NOW." An that "I'm not a dog, you need to know that." He huffed, left the room, never said sorry and never spoke to me for the rest of the night. I even said goodnight as the better person. He grunted 'yep'.
**No Apologies: He never apologizes for his outbursts. The next morning, he'll act like everything's normal, kissing me goodbye and saying "love you" despite not addressing the previous issues. I always want to raise that it has just been swept under the rug, but he'll explode rather than just saying sorry.
**Self-Harm and swearing when stressed: He slaps himself in the head when he is extremely stressed mainly over work stuff. But like he wouldn't do it in the office. So I don't get why he does it at home. And swears "fkkkkkk, cnttt, slttt" out loud when he is stressed mainly over work stuff.
**Walking on Eggshells: I constantly feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him to avoid triggering an outburst.
**Affection: He can be very lovey-dovey after outbursts, but I don't get over that treatment that quickly, even if he said sorry, so I cringe.
**Attraction: He's asked if I'm still attracted to him. I'm not—especially to those parts of his personality. They turn me off. We get along in many other ways though and have an intellectual connection and common interests. Which is what makes this hard. 5 years of international holidays and cuddling on the lounge while he scratches my hair. We still do this and I like it sometimes. Laying in the crest of his arms.
**Cannot Handle Simple Tasks without stress: He couldn't even help put a zip on cover on our bed without going nuts, swearing, stopping, breathing and huffing, saying, "See, I can't do these things."
**Anger Projection: He frequently projects his anger onto me. If something is up, then the mood in the house is gone and I better not get in his way.
** Sexual Disinterest: I'm not interested in sex with him and have doubted my own libido. When around other attractive men, I find myself wondering what sex with them would be like.
** Feeling Trapped: I had major major surgery recently and I am working part-time in a new city with no family or friends. We bought a house together (I feel so trapped because of selling this, taxes, and the shame), and I'm worried about my job stability as I'm on contract. I feel like I can't leave until I have more stability with health and my job.
** Gender Roles in the relationship: He wants to be cuddly and cozy, but I'm frustrated by his lack of 'masculinity' sometimes —he doesn't handle household tasks like fixing plumbing things or arranging car insurance. I do all of that. I fix the washing machine and measure out the new dishwasher with tape. I've told him how I feel, but he says he just doesn't know how to do those things. But I don't know how he survived till this age without doing car insurance or googling a correct dishwasher. It's frustrating because I'm the one keeping an eye on things and sometimes I just want him to take the lead. I know it sounds old-fashioned (?), but I feel overwhelmed and wish he could share these responsibilities. I have told him. But I just don't get how he doesn't know how. He is very very smart well educated person (like Google it and learn??) After 5 years, I'm realizing how much this bothers me and how much it's built up over time.
** Inconsistent Treatment - rollercoaster love: He acts like he loves me one minute, then treats me horribly the next by snapping, swearing etc. He wonders why I'm sometimes a bit distant, but it's because I've experienced all this behavior and don't feel drawn to want him at that time. I often have to fake affection now.
We've talked recently about communication and love languages, because I have said explicitly about how he treats me and he wouldn't even treat his own mother that way, but nothing changes. I'm stuck. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Thanks for reading this long post.
TL;DR: I've (32F) been with my boyfriend (35M) for 5 years, and I'm starting to realize he's emotionally abusive. He frequently emotionally attacks me, occasionally swears at me, has a Jekyll and Hyde personality, and will push me away but then demand I help him at other times. I walk on egg shells so I don't set him off. I feel trapped due to recent surgery, job instability, and our shared purchased home. I'm unsure why it's taken me this long to question everything.

TW: depression, thoughts of sh
Hey all, just looking for guidance and to just get it out I guess.
I had a medical abortion last weekend and was measuring at 8 w 6 d the day of. I found out I was pregnant on April 8 and was guessing I was between 4 and 5 weeks when we (my boyfriend and me) found out.
Honestly, the termination was fucking awful. I had read a ton of other posts and did an insane amount of research before going through with it, but nothing could have prepared me for what my body was going to go through. It was so incredibly traumatic but aside from knowing at the time that termination was the best option for my circumstances, plus the side effects of the pregnancy being horrific, as soon as the side effects wore off, I felt like I made a mistake.
My boyfriend has been so supportive through all of this, and I know logically we made the right choice but I just can’t emotionally get on board. I had to come off my mood stabilizers when I found out I was pregnant (we didn’t know if we were going to terminate when we found out) and I’ve just been spiraling since.
The guilt and grief have absolutely wrecked me and I honestly can’t handle being sober right now. When I am sober all I can do is sob and dissociate.
I can’t talk to my family about this as they’re all uber religious, and I lied to my best friend and told her I miscarried because I don’t know how she would feel. I hate lying to her, I hate trying to act like I’m fine in front of my family. A part of me wishes I could take it back, but I also still feel so relieved and I already physically feel like I’m back to myself. Logically I know I made the right choice, but my brain has convinced me I made a mistake now that it’s said and done.
How did you work through the grief and guilt and regret and just everything that comes with this? I’m struggling with not self hrming, and I’m having to fight almost constant thoughts of sucide. I knew this would be hard, and I would likely fall back hard into my depression afterwards but this is emotionally excruciating and I just can’t handle it. I even had panicked thoughts of “I need to get pregnant again” and have been fighting those off for the past few days.
I will add, I do have a therapist that I see once a week, it just feels like an eternity in between sessions right now, and I’ve only had one session since the termination.
*Sorry if the layout is weird and if the post is too long. This is my first reddit post, I just needed to get it out in a safe space.

Not trying to violate rule 11 here; this isn't about a crisis, but it does involve my (25 mtf) experience in a psychiatric hospital. So trigger warnings for that and transphobia.
Earlier this month, life got to me and I ended up staying in an adult psych ward for a little over a week. I am still processing what I experienced there; it's really got me down because I live in a blue state and I wanted to think things were better. Now I've been reconsidering the general safety and viability of being openly trans in the U.S. I've been to a psych hospital before and I know it's not supposed to be fun, but going to this one as a trans woman was a nightmare.
This hospital had a "regular" wing and a geriatric wing. For "logistical" reasons, myself and another trans woman were confined to the geriatric wing for the entirety of our stay. The hospital's programming heavily emphasized social interaction with other patients, and the few other patients in this wing were not really capable of participating in socialization (one boy with serious developmental issues and two reclusive geriatric patients). At one point, a new patient who happened to be a cis woman was assigned to our side, but she quickly requested to transfer to the other wing and was allowed to do so within hours. When the other trans woman in my wing requested to transfer, she was denied. I didn't even bother. It felt like we were being intentionally denied socialization, but I wanted to give the staff the benefit of the doubt... at first.
I was misgendered by almost the entire staff for my entire stay, no matter how many times they were corrected (when the other trans woman corrected them on my pronouns, they acted exasperated). I was told by staff that "God has a plan for me"... come on man, at that point you may as well just say what you really think. I was flat-out denied estradiol, which I've been on for over 2 years. I had an orchiectomy last year and I was due for my shot the day I was admitted, so having almost zero sex hormones in my system the whole time just made everything worse. I was told (only after repeatedly inquiring) that the pharmacy couldn't get injectable estradiol, which is frustrating but I guess sort of understandable? But the doctors refused to even attempt any other dosage form. I know not everyone is an endocrinologist, but it's a full hospital in a network of local hospitals. You'd think SOMEONE would be able to recommend a rudimentary oral dosing schedule. Or at least reach out to my prescriber for dosing recommendations.
I was relieved when the doctor wrote me an order allowing me to shave my face, but then I was provided a near-useless electric trimmer. It somehow managed to cut my skin while leaving 3-4 days of growth still on my face. It's very difficult for me to understand how this was a safer choice than a typical rotary shaver, which would have actually worked. I wore a medical face mask every moment that I could, because I had a stubbly beard the whole time.
Under these conditions, the fact that I was expected to become less depressed over the course of my stay became so laughable that I just started lying every day and telling everyone I felt fine--new mood stabilizer must be working great!
I had a readily-visible injury that was supposed to be bandaged the day I was admitted--it never was. It predictably began to show signs of infection almost immediately. As it progressed, I showed every staff member I could, and informed them of my worsening symptoms. They all just shrugged, more or less. Days later when they finally summoned an actual doctor to the ward, half my arm was red, hot, and swollen. It was too painful to extend fully. The doctor barely looked at it and put me on an oral antibiotic, but it had gotten bad enough by that point that I had to receive additional antibiotics through an IV the next day (which I ended up being mildly allergic to). I cringe thinking what could have happened to me if I'd been less insistent. When I was discharged, they did not list the allergy, but my paperwork showed the oral antibiotics were sent to the pharmacy under the diagnosis "asthma." This seems like an attempt to sweep my completely avoidable and terribly mishandled infection under the rug.
I have talked to others who've gone to this particular hospital. As I said, psych wards are never a fun experience, but I've never heard of anyone experiencing something like this there. It's really hard not to feel discriminated against right now, you know? Thanks for reading.

From the research on vss
Patients with VSS had reduced FC in glutamatergic networks localized in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) compared to HCs and patients with migraine, and reduced FC in serotoninergic networks localized in the insula, temporal pole, and orbitofrontal cortex compared to controls, similar to patients with migraine with aura. Patients with VSS also showed reduced FC in 5HT2A-enriched networks, largely localized in occipito-temporo-parietal association cortices. As revealed by subgroup analyses, these changes were independent of, and analogous to, those found in patients with migraine with aura.
Point one:
Reduced functional connectivity (FC) in 5HT2A-enriched networks, as observed in patients with visual snow syndrome (VSS) and migraine with aura, indicates a lower level of communication and coordination between brain regions where 5HT2A receptors are densely located. This can be interpreted as a disruption in the normal functioning of these networks.
When considering the potential effects of antagonizing 5HT2A receptors in this context, there are a few points to consider:

1. Receptor Antagonism: Antagonizing 5HT2A receptors typically means blocking or reducing the activity of these receptors. Since the study indicates reduced functional connectivity in 5HT2A-enriched networks, further reducing 5HT2A receptor activity through antagonism could potentially exacerbate this reduced connectivity. This might lead to worsened symptoms associated with these disrupted networks, such as sensory processing issues or other related symptoms in VSS and migraine with aura.
2. Role of 5HT2A Receptors: The 5HT2A receptors are involved in various neural processes, including mood regulation, cognition, and sensory perception. Antagonism might reduce the already compromised signaling in these networks, potentially leading to further dysregulation.
3. Therapeutic Approaches: Given the findings, a more targeted therapeutic approach might be needed. Instead of antagonizing 5HT2A receptors, strategies that stabilize or enhance the function of these networks without further reducing receptor activity could be more beneficial. For example, treatments aimed at improving overall serotonergic signaling or targeting other aspects of the disrupted networks might be worth exploring.

In conclusion, based on the study's findings, antagonizing 5HT2A receptors could potentially worsen the reduced functional connectivity observed in VSS and migraine with aura. It might be more beneficial to explore treatments that support or enhance the function of these networks rather than further inhibiting them.
yea so this MAY explain why SSRi worsen people because most SSRI reduce 5HT2A
point 2:
KCNQ2/3 potassium channels are not functioning properly, it could potentially lead to reduced functional connectivity (FC) in 5HT2A-enriched networks, particularly if the dysfunction occurs within the reticular thalamus and affects the lateral geniculate nucleus (LGN). Here’s how this could happen:

1. Role of KCNQ2/3 Channels: KCNQ2/3 channels are crucial for maintaining the resting membrane potential and controlling neuronal excitability. Proper functioning of these channels helps stabilize neuronal firing and filter out irrelevant information, which is essential for normal sensory processing and thalamic gating.
2. Impact on Thalamic Reticular Nucleus (TRN): The TRN plays a key role in modulating sensory information before it reaches the cortex. If KCNQ2/3 channels in the TRN are not opening properly, it can lead to a failure in hyperpolarization, resulting in increased neuronal excitability and reduced filtering of sensory inputs. This can cause excessive and irrelevant information to reach the LGN and subsequently the cortex.
3. Effects on Functional Connectivity: The disruption in sensory processing and filtering due to dysfunctional KCNQ2/3 channels can lead to altered patterns of brain activity. This could manifest as reduced functional connectivity in regions enriched with 5HT2A receptors, as these regions might become less synchronized and coordinated due to the influx of irrelevant information and the resultant noise in neural signaling.
4. Specific Impact on 5HT2A-Enriched Networks: The 5HT2A receptors are involved in modulating various cognitive and sensory processes. Disrupted input from the thalamus can impair the function of cortical areas that rely on proper 5HT2A receptor signaling, leading to reduced functional connectivity within these networks. This effect can be especially pronounced in sensory processing regions, such as the occipito-temporo-parietal association cortices.
5. Neuronal Excitability and Network Dynamics: KCNQ2/3 channels help maintain the resting membrane potential and regulate neuronal excitability. Dysfunction in these channels can lead to increased neuronal excitability and a higher likelihood of spontaneous or aberrant firing. This can create noise and disrupt the synchrony of neuronal networks, potentially leading to reduced FC.
6. Thalamic Gating and Sensory Processing: The thalamic reticular nucleus (TRN) and the lateral geniculate nucleus (LGN) are key components in sensory gating and processing. If KCNQ2/3 channels in the TRN are not functioning properly, it can lead to insufficient hyperpolarization and a failure to filter out irrelevant sensory information. This can result in an overload of sensory inputs to the cortex, disrupting normal cortical processing and network synchrony.
7. Impact on Cortical Regions: The cortex relies on well-regulated inputs from the thalamus for proper functioning. Disrupted inputs due to KCNQ2/3 dysfunction can affect the connectivity between cortical regions, particularly those enriched with 5HT2A receptors involved in sensory processing and cognitive functions. This disruption can manifest as reduced FC in these areas, as the networks become less efficient and coordinated in their activity.
8. Empirical Evidence: While the direct causal link between KCNQ2/3 dysfunction and reduced FC in 5HT2A-enriched networks might not be fully established in the literature, there is a strong basis in the understanding of neuronal network dynamics. Dysfunction in key regulatory mechanisms, like potassium channel activity, can lead to broader disruptions in network connectivity and synchronization.

• Increased Neuronal Excitability: Dysfunctional KCNQ2/3 channels lead to a lack of proper hyperpolarization, resulting in increased neuronal excitability.
• Disrupted Thalamic Gating: This causes the TRN to fail in filtering out irrelevant sensory information, leading to sensory overload in cortical regions.
• Desynchronization of Networks: The influx of irrelevant information and increased noise disrupt the synchrony of neuronal networks, reducing functional connectivity.
• Impaired 5HT2A-Enriched Networks: Cortical regions enriched with 5HT2A receptors, which rely on regulated thalamic input, are particularly affected, leading to further reduction in FC.

So, while the exact mechanisms might require more empirical validation, the theoretical basis suggests that a lack of proper hyperpolarization due to KCNQ2/3 channel dysfunction can indeed lead to reduced functional connectivity in the brain.
I've come to this conclusion over and over and a over I know I sound like a broken record at this point
But to sum it all up VSS is a failing hyperpolarization issue in the brain, hyperpolarization in the brain acts as a regulatory mechanism, ensuring that neurons do not become too excitable and that sensory information is properly filtered. This balance is essential for normal brain function and avoiding conditions like sensory overload, hyperpolarization quiets neurons to keep brain activity balanced and focused.
5-HT1A receptors can contribute to hyperpolarization, KCNQ2/3 channels are not functioning correctly, it can interfere with the hyperpolarizing effects mediated by 5-HT1A receptors. This disruption can lead to increased neuronal excitability and potentially contribute to various neurological and psychological issues due to the inability to properly regulate neuronal firing.

• KCNQ2/3 Channel Dysfunction: Leads to increased excitability and disrupted hyperpolarization.
• 5-HT1A Receptor Role: Contributes to hyperpolarization and neuronal stability.
• Combined Impact: Disruptions in these mechanisms can lead to desynchronized neuronal activity.
• Functional Connectivity: This can manifest as reduced functional connectivity in 5HT2A-enriched networks, impacting cognitive and sensory processing.

In essence, the interplay between these factors can significantly influence the functional connectivity of 5HT2A networks, potentially leading to various neurological and psychological issues.

I need some advice. I'm starting on a TCA and am I bit worried about the potential cognitive effects, weight gain, and sedative properties, while in medical school. For anyone who has started a SSRI, antipsychotic, SNRI, TCA, mood stabilizer, etc. that has endured some (or all) of those side effects I mentioned, what did you do? How did you decide that it's time to switch to something else? On one hand, you want to trial the drug to see if the side effects attenuate over time (such as, if your doctor says two weeks). On the over hand, you don't want it affecting medical school performance, such as with decreased cognition or changes in sleep quality? By the way, it is really helpful to read all the posts and comments about going on SSRIs and other medications. It makes me feel less isolated knowing that others are going through what I'm going through now.
Edit: Just wanted to add that in NO WAY am I asking for medical advice. Just asking about the experiences of others while in medical school.

Hey, I just want to share my observations of bupropion (Wellbutrin SR). My diagnose is Shizoaffective Disorder with Adhd symptoms. It was prescribed for me as antidepressant plus light version of stimulant. I have been on it for three months and here my observations:

• it works very well for Adhd, it is easier for me not to procastrinate, be concentrated for a long time. It does not increase my cognitive functions, but makes easier to use what I have,
  
• also it helps well with the mood swings, basically one mood - normal,
  
• it disables my joy centre in my brain, listening to music does not bring much joy, playing video games too, etc, also it disables artistic side - sometimes I compose edm music and I struggle to compose after work,
  
• also after work I have struggle to decide what to do, I need someone to tell me what to do,
  
• I found best that 150 mg in the morning and after hour another 150mg for best performance results (is this abusing?)
  
• after about 12-14 hours effect stop working and I can enjoy music and stuff that I love,
  
• reduces need of nicotine.
  

I take it with mood stabilizers and antipsycotic. Does somebody also have same experience or it is very personal thing?

Authors note: sorry about the long as all hell wait for this one. I work in retail management and the start of the spring is always a massive rush.
[First]/[Previous]
Memory transcription subject: Zevek, deeply moved Venlil
Standard date: September 4th 2136
I blubbered weakly, whimpering to myself in the weak light of my room. Overcome with a level of raw emotion that came a from a source that I would've never imagine.
wrong...everything we've been told about the humans was wrong...they are so much more than beasts..so much more than just some...curious quirk of biology...no more than a true people could craft a story so...moving.
I wiped away the last of my tears credits for the human movie BladeRunner slowly scrolled up the screen. "He...just wanted to be a person.." I whined in the dark, still trying to wrestle with my own about the past claw. I had been arrogant, foolishly confident in myself when I had first started. The humans had a level o cultural diversity that was head spinning merely on the surface. So much to just, and so much I simply just lacked the perspective to fully understand. The sight of their raw, unmolested eyes at the beginning had me a shaking wreck in my seat, but soon the events that unfolded simply had me too enamored. The pride I felt from braving such a hurtle was quickly drowned by the tale that unfolded...But once I was working into the depths of their media was when things truly began to spiral into an utter journey, one that had only begun. I had begun with simply searches that went along with my own expertise. Mainly engineering and machine learning tech, and promptly into a treasure trove of stories and media that kept following this trend that kept coming up with these apes.
Duality. so much hate, yet raw love, so much violence, yet so many tales of peace and empathy. This species was utterly madness, one moment is brutality, mercy, forgiveness..it simply made no sense..I...have to know more, not enough data...
"Ok." I huffed to myself as I slid the movie application out of the way. "Let's see how else these humans entertain themselves." I began to work away at my interface, punching in simply 'games' into the search bar. Naturally a veritable wall ran into me and I began to move my way through it with a care, until I came across a video...of some kind...battle simulation...My tail curled in confusion as one human was visible in some kind of smaller box, judging from features the human seemed young. My spine still try to rattle out of my back at those bright green pools that were blazing with an almost manic focus. I took another long breath, paws balling up on my desk, biting down on the instant reflex to dive under the desk. Sure...I've learned to brave it...sort of. The main screen of the footage, show some kind of heads up display. The long powerful arms of a human clutching a weapon that bobbed with the gait of the bouncing view. Clearly thi-
"Got a guy on your left main hall!!" I jump at the sudden urgent bark of another human voice, nearly falling out of my chair. The human on screen seemed to barely react, but this...simulated human he was controlling suddenly whirled in the given direction. The firearm snapped up to the sights with blinding speed, the weapon barked, cutting down another virtual human in mere seconds. There was some kind of odd chime and above the body a human set of numbers popped above the head, adding to the score at another corner. "Good tap, dude was trash..."The worlds were lightning, the choppy and quick barks between hunters on the move, the human not even breaking his stride as he piloted his avatar. I sat by in my seat, ears flicking at the sounds, enamored I let this video play. Watching how the human so efficiently and rapidly maneuvered through structures and streets with ease, slaying other digital humans. it was brief but the context was clear.With shaking paws I type into the search bar again, the words smashed out with ease.
-[Strategy, combat simulation game]-
There was another flood of entries, several of them showing many such titles...trailers, and vids. Claws slipped by as I watched humans not only against programs but each other, contesting in grand games of resource management and strategy. Simulated nations as small as pre space flight fiefdoms to interstellar empires, jockeying for power and dominance. I sat there in silence, can of sprunk going warm as enormous interstellar fleets, coordinated by a human juvenile, roll over other human star empires. Deftly maneuvering fleets, cycling exhausted and damaged ones back to shipyards in time with fresh vessels. They sent the heaviest out to key assets, intentionally bracketing the other's to crush they're strongest. My tail hung limply as I took a drag from the can, which landed in the bin to join the others.
these are entertainment, they play these for fun....combat sims of all kinds they play for fun...I'm starting to think that Tarva was wise to side with these creatures, if this is what they're younglings are capable of in their pastimes, then they are showing incredible restraint in their martial prowess...more data...another entry..
I cracked opened another can, and gave a cabinet below my desk a kick, it slid open, full of various local nuts. The paw full was stuffed in my mouth as my claws flew across my interface.
-[non violent digital games]-
As if this search was mocking me another utter wall of returns washed across my interface, was there anything these human *don't d-*My train of thought feel face first into the pavement as a video came on, another of these digital games but...The sound of gushing water rippled through my ear pieces as a human gabbed on about some nonsense on a stream. While on screen they were..washing a construction vehicle. From the little avatar that was wielding a power-washer, blasting away at the mud and grime caked on the machine. I wrack my brain for what kind of reason of why any creature would engage in such a thing for anything but training. It simply made no sense, illogical towards enjoyment....and yet. My eyes tracked the flowing water, watching as mud and filth was blasted away to reveal its hardy finish I..I felt a satisfaction. That kind of sensation where you take your first bite into a fruit, that same feeling when something you've made slides into its planned place.I didn't know how long I watched the massive construction machine be washed..but it was downright hypnotic to watch.Something tells me I've only barely scratched the surface of these creatures....
Standard Date September 5th 2136
I slinked back into my apartment after my work claw, sighing as I hung up my cloak. Work had been fine, it got rather funny when management had come to down to check on our progress and pretended to know what the brahk he was talking about. But such thoughts were lost on me while I went back to my terminal sitting back down and loading my earth search engine. My secret researched continued, this time I decided to take a far more broad approach with my work, and went for history.
-[Human history]-
[Memory subject time lapse: 3 standard hours][Resuming playback, subject brainwave patterns at low stability]
I lay there in my chair, I just didn't know..how to feel at this point. Several times I had to stop, several times I nearly heaved my lunch into my garbage. Several times I was moved by the words of human hearts. Several times I was taught horrible lessons that have to be learned in horrible times. I was shown the mountains of bodies it takes to truly fight against those who would do evil. They're stories told me of how people despite all this could forgive, how...they fought for those we would put down without a second thought.
I've truly gone off the deep end haven't I..because every time I think I've come to some kind of understanding of these human's, they break the pattern, so they've done so much, come to far..I'm not sure what to even be afraid of anymore..I still don't have enough..
Across my screen, a man a truly ancient human that seemed to be naught but skin and bone, but his terrible predator eyes shone. Those blue pools gleamed with an ironclad conviction that despite his decades of retirement. He was telling his story among a lengthy documentary of the human's second world war, which even with its age was still the most brutal conflict they're species ever knew. It was such calculated savagery, the utter destruction, the ruthless genocide, everything that I would come to expect from a predator species. But then more of the footage came along with the old humans talking.
"Ya..ya see..we have been pushing a'way over inta' paris for the better'parta fiave weeks.." The ancient male rumbled in his seat towards the camera, his hellish eyes making my pelt want to leap off my bones, but his words had me mystified. "I was just about smoked five steps ta'hell after pushin through them lines, only thing keepin me goin was thinkin about not being killed by no damn nazi boys..." The human worked his strange and loose lips for a moment, sharp gaze sliding away from the camera."When ah wus out there, pushing inta paris, we had a stop, and my busted up ass was so dog chewed t'hell out I just leaned on a corner pole and didn't give much of'a damn, but den.." His words slowed, a certain something gleamed in his eyes, was it guilt, determination, the species was still too alien for me to tell. "I saw dis lil girl out there, walking down tha street our way all dusty and looking like the devil had took'a swipe at'er..she sidled on up'ta me..gave me a half toothed little smiled and thanked me, since she lived in the part of city we had cleaned out for'em..Her name wus Noelle it was.." I felt my throat tighten along with the long dead human in the footage as he fought to keep up the words."then she walked on away, an all of tha'sudden..Ah weren't tired no more..."
The man's words rung deep within me while the documentary went on. So much agony, so much destruction, met headlong with conviction, forgiveness and determination. How could creatures so vicious and lethal and the same time show such grief and almost mad drive to aid their fellow being?
At every turn they seem to jump between the actions of prey and predator, banding together, seeking to defend themselves from danger, fleeing and submitting in the face of death and danger. Yet in the very same moment some humans act like true predators, instantly reacting to perceived threats with determined, relentless force. Then..in so many instances this bloodthirsty rage they seem to summon is at its strongest when they're kin are threatened..These creatures only grow more complex the more I research..
I rub my face as I slip into bed, sliding onto the mattress, paws coming to my face. Despite the long paw, sleep couldn't come. My glasses stayed on, the display flitting as I kept up my reading into human histories..seeing their story.
I'm done for..Brahk..I'm done for...I have to keep this a secret, because I'm starting to understand these predators...
Memory transcription Subject: Zevek, Distracted Venlil Standard Date: September 6th, 2136
I can research and work all I like, but a venlil still needed to eat and get to all the little drudges of life. This rest paw was going to be expended on errands. Sure I'm a herd and family of great affluence and I could easily have everything I needed delivered directly to my apartment on my hefty salary. I decided against such a practice, seeing as a waste of credits when I had paws where such tasks could be taken to. Besides...I was thinking sometime outside would do me a bit of good.
Mind still in awash from my research, I connected my glasses to my pad, clipped it to my belt, and slipped my cloak on my shoulders. After a momentary pause, I quickly snatch up my pair of wireless ear buds. Flicking the doc open, I push them into my ears as they connect to my interface into them, and keying my pad into my terran connection.
Slipping into the cold biting air of BlackRock I set up the browser yet again in an off box in my vision as I walked, grocery bag folded under an arm and out the door. My paws worked along the road towards the small tram station stop at the center of my hab block. I began to slip into the pedestrian traffic, small groups of venlil moving together made then easier to slip around. My searching through the countless song lists gave so many options, so I simple threw caution to the wind and picked something at random as I stopped at the platform. I let the music player shuffle
Stairway to heaven-Lead Zeppelin
For what I was expecting for the music of the humans it was far gentler in its beginning. It began with a low and soft kind of string instrument that I recall was a 'guitar' from my studies. I leaned back in the cheap plastic seat of the tram, barely noticing I was in it how hypnotized I was by such sounds. Then the human began to sing, its rumble growl so oddly melodic, as he began to sing me a song about a stairway to heaven. There was something so melancholic about it, some cultural points weren't hitting, but even someone as socially inept as myself could pick it up. By the time I was slipping off the tram I felt an odd spring in my gait as the song picked up, despite its screeching notes there was something about this electric guitar that scratched an urge I didn't know was there. The song was at full swing towards its in when I entered the simple market nearby my home, I found my tail swaying and bobbing to the alien yet bewitching rhythm.
And she's buuuying a stairway to heeavaan..~
The incredible voice of the human tapered off into a soft silence while I was picking out some proper snacks. Venlil music was often very gentle and easy on the ears, but even this oddly mellow human song had a certain spark the my own people's simply lacked. While I stuffed a fruit back and another case of drinks in my bag my search for another song was far less timid that before. A small moment of memory slipped in..going about my brother's and fathers constant talk about the taint of predators, how it would corrupt all it touched. It sent a small spike of..guilt..maybe remorse while I stood at an end-cap.
Well..I've already delved into their history and entertainment for several paws now, your already down the mine shaft Zevek, might as well see the bottom..Besides, its not like they're culture will infect me that badly will it?
[Time lapse: 1 hour of shopping and music surfing later]
I never been one for dancing, in fact I'm sure I couldn't dance to save my life. Additionally, I've never had much motivation, or the raw confidence to do so..
That is until I starting hearing songs like this...
For some reason the beat just had me moving, I didn't realize how much I was moving until I was a few stops on the train, and by the time I was off the train I was dancing my way home. Perhaps something had my mood high, perhaps..with my predator disease having gone so deep I lacked the concern. A full bag of groceries hanging from the crook of my elbow as I went along.
Nor did I care about the looks I was getting as I came bouncing off my train and into my neighborhood. In my gyrating, grooving walk I gave an utterly perturbed mother and gave her a jovial tail flick as I passed her up the stairs.
I found myself swaying to the human's voice as I idled in the elevator, something about the tenor and melody. The beat making my paws sway and bounce, head swaying as the music began to grow. The peak rolling through my ears as I all but flowed through the door, arms spread wide as I slid through my door.
STAY WITH MEEEEEEEE..~
I didn't even realize I was singing along as I bounce along in my room. Arms rolling in ways I never would have never done in public, my tail wrote patterns in the air that even I didn't know. Her voice was simply incredible..how could I not move..I could feel it in my soul..I was on my bed at one point e- bling-bling! The sound of the specific chime tone I had set up for Dayna's message suddenly sounded out. After giving the floor a perfect exterminators tackle I scrambled, face blooming as I snatched my pad. Gaze rapidly scanning over the new message.
-hey Zevek, how's it going?-
I swallowed a little at the message, clearly I couldn't tell her about my highly incriminating research into her species completely. Yet, my heart ached at the very concept of lying to her, it was a foolish impulse. But I did my best to get something on the screen.
-its been going great Dayna, I've been looking a lot into human culture, why didn't you tell me that your species had such a huge range of music?!-
Half truths we're the finest lies, as father would always say.
-it what happens when your culture is constantly shifting and changing, human tribal nature causes a lot diversification, but more importantly, I've got some awesome news Zev!-
My ears perk forward, my fingers flying over the keyboard.
-what kind of news, do tell?-
-they gonna push my program forwards, I'm packing for my trip to Venlil prime as we speak-
In that moment, alone in the dark, my heart leaped for more reasons than I'll ever know.