Signs that my ex girl still love me

The engagement party was hosted by my future in laws and they did such a nice job. It was really lovely, but I think some social anxiety is getting the best of me.
I didn’t expect to feel as anxious as I did to try and talk to everyone. It was only 26 people total and I felt like while I was able to talk to most for a bit there were still 6 people I never really got the chance to have a conversation with before they left.
I know I can’t expect to talk to everyone at our wedding (approx 100 people) but now I feel anxious about how I’m going to navigate a party of that size while also just trying to enjoy it myself.
Guess I’m posting just to vent and get some feedback about others have navigated this?
TLDR - How do you navigate trying to say hi and engage with people at a party while also just trying to enjoy yourself?

I am a hardworker, but I don’t exactly love studying, and it can be really overwhelming sometimes. On average im someone who can score an L1R5 of around 14 raw, but I am not sure of my choice for my next step. If there’s any other better alternative for me than jc yet still get equal opportunities, better pay, id take it.
The thing is, I am not sure on what to do. But I narrowed my ideal career and Here are some things I know I want: -work-life balance (no working too much overtime) -high pay 12k+ -not medicine industry -a job that contributes to the earth n environment/ benefits people -something I enjoy doing -not computer science
honestly I don’t think such a route exists but..somewhere out there if there’s any underrated courses that can get u somewhere far like this in future.. pls comment so I can look it up😅
I’ve looked into oral health but the pay isn’t that much either, and I don’t want to work in healthcare. Although it has amazing work life balance. I’ve tried exploring others but im really not sure… is it hard to get a perfect GPA score to get into NUS or NTU? How hard is it? Pls enlighten me.
I’ve told myself to suffer for 2 years in jc and I’ll be done. But thinking about having cca, being exhausted, waking up 6-7 again, mugging and mugging 24/7, sleep deprived…..not that I can’t do it, but it takes a toll on my mental health. I can picture the amount of stress… I really want to go NUS or NTU. if poly allows me to get into those universities easier than jc, I would choose that. I want to choose happiness… but if it doesn’t guarantee and its way harder + 1 extra year, then I’ll have to suck it up and just bear jc for 2 years, have no social life and mug everyday, dragging myself to the 29931 events while studying
If Ure from JC/poly, please share your experience. U can Tell me how you’ve coped, what led u to ur choice, what made u stay, where are u gonna go from there, and ur personal opinions if u would have chose the other choice instead!! and also ur study type because I under everyone is different because of that🥹 im personally a person who studies almost everyday but will get B4-A1 for most of my subjects.. im slow learner and need alot of practice to remember stuff.
Help a lost girl here!! Thank you so much (im so bipolar contradicting my own opinions everyday 🥲) I really want to lead a successful life with no regrets

So, in November it will be my bf's 18th b-day, and I want to do something special for him but I think I'll need the power of the internet to help me find more, better and bigger ideas!
Here's are things he likes:

• Dune (HUGE, HUGE fan, has read the books, watched the movies and simping for Zendaya and Timothée and also loves the critique on society, the philosophy and... I cant put the rest into words cause I don't get it ^^; )
  
• Depeche Mode (he got some vinyls even, together with shirts and beanie, went to a concert, HUGE fan)
  
• Rammstein (loves the lyric in their songs and also has a vinyl of their album Zeit)
  
• singing and acting (very talented singer, bass, just mwah!)
  
• PC and VR video games (stuff like Metal Gear Solid, Horizon(?), Detroit become human, Helldivers II, I expect you to die (? vr), riddlegames and so on)
  
• Henry Cavill (who would've thought!)
  
• Witcher
  
• Game of Thrones
  
• Breaking Bad (Jesse wake up! We have to cook!)
  
• Memes (duh)
  
• Arcane (he loves arcane to death, especially Vi and the art style)
  
• Jewelery, but especially rings, he looooves rings but already has like 4 (one on his right thumb, one on his middle finger, one on his index and one, which I gifted him, on a chain as a necklace)
  
• Satanism (very passionate about it)
  
• Cheese (loves cheese)
  
• Hiking
  
• French tarot (has his own cool as fuck deck)
  
• cats and kittens! (especially black cats, he doesn't have one tho)
  
• chocolate (caramel n salt, his favorite)
  
• yerba mate (already owns a cup, bombilla and everything)
  
• ttrpg (huge dice enthusiast)
  
• Kurzgesagt (nerd)
  
• LoFi
  
• Biking
  

Okay while writing this list I realized with all of that I can rather easily put something together, but still lack that idea, the highlight so to speak... so do you have any more ideas, suggestions? I highly appreciate your ideas, and have a very nice day!

So I found out about a week ago that my soon to be ex is dating someone new. We officially ended things three months ago but this news still hit me hard. We also still live together and we have two small kids (2 & 6). We originally talked about staying in the house together until our older child finished first grade (June 2025) but after learning that he is seriously dating this other person (found out he spent the night there already) I no longer want to wait anywhere near that long. I have a solution to get a roommate by September and I want him out by then. He doesn't officially know that I know about the new girl but I have feeling he figured it out. Anyways, is two months notice enough? I feel sorry for our older child because this will all hit right before school starts. I wanted to avoid that but when he started this new relationship before any of our affairs were in order (we haven't even started the divorce process yet), I realized it's a big boundary being crossed. I have my solution and I no longer want to help him find his. Thoughts?? All of this sucks 😞

I never felt skinny. I was 10 the first time I wanted to be skinnier. I was wearing jean shorts and I noticed how wide my leg spread when I sat down.
During my first year of university I started binge eating, but I told myself I was done feeling fat so I started going to the gym.
I fell in love with it and went everyday.
At the time I didn’t realize, but I started becoming obsessed with my body. I always wanted to be skinnier, but I never wanted to lose weight that bad until I started weight training/going to the gym.
Everyday at the gym I’d stare at myself in the mirror slowly seeing my body change. Yet the binge eating continued.
Even though I was getting fitter and leaner, I was never truly satisfied. I was never skinny enough.
I began calorie counting and restricting food, but that lead to even more binge eating.
I would binge eat one day, but then restrict for the next six days and the cycle would repeat.
Somehow, it balanced out and despite binge eating, I was able to become the fittest, leanest version of myself.
Yet food was the only thing on my mind all day, everyday.
While I was restricting, I would be starving and the only thing I could think about was my next meal. I couldn’t sleep at night, instead I’d think about all the food I wanted to eat and watch videos of others eating huge quantities.
While I was binging I finally felt comfort. But after, all I felt was guilt, shame and embarrassment.
When I did the things I used to do for fun, like walking, the gym, playing golf, or volleyball all I could think about was how many calories I was burning.
I stopped going out and only ate at places where I could search up the macros.
I felt good when I looked into the mirror at the gym, yet I still felt I had so much more to lose.
One day after a week of restricting I was the skinniest I ever was, but I couldn’t hold back anymore.
I binged for a week straight. Everyday, shoving as much food as possible into my mouth.
After that week, I didn’t eat for two days. After that two days, I binge ate for another week in a row, allowing myself all the food that I had mentally cut out. And I didn’t eat for two days after that.
The cycle continued, and my equilibrium was thrown off.
The shame and guilt spiralled. Everyday I wished I could go back to the day I first lost control. I would look at photos wishing I could look like myself two weeks ago, 1 month ago.
I gained weight.
So I didn’t eat for a week. But as we all know restriction leads to binging. I binged for two weeks straight. Everyday, eating until I felt sick. I’d wake up stuff my face until I fell asleep at night.
I lost my motivation. I’m so embarrassed of my weight change that I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want people to see me. I don’t even want my parents to look at me.
All I want to do was go back in time. I literally pray that when I wake up, I could be transported to before I lost control.
I stopped going out. Cancel all my plans and blow my friends off.
The only thing that makes me happy is food. But the thing that made me feel so bad is food.
The feelings that weight gain evoked for me are so intense. The regret and self hatred is so painful. It feels like it’s literally killing me.
(Tw ana mention)
I have a horrible relationship with food. How can I had disordered thoughts about food when I look like this? I have anorexic thoughts, but how can I have these thoughts when I’m not skinny anymore?
If others can be skinny and they can control themselves why can’t I? Do you think skinny people eat like you?
I dread leaving my house. I dread people looking at me. I dread looking into the mirror. I dread getting dressed. I dread waking up. I dread eating.
The solution to my problem is just eat less. It’s so simple. But I can’t. When I start I can’t stop and when I starve I’m miserable.
Regret is such a bad emotion. It makes me feel so alone. Wishing to have something you once had is so sad. Knowing you had what you wanted already is so sad. And knowing that you ruined it all is so sad.
I just want to feel beautiful again.

(TW for trauma, maybe?)
Burner because I expect he'll find this. I (early 20s F) have a rocky relationship with my half brother (late 30s M) because he was aggressive and occasionally violent when I was a child.
I've always been scared of him. I think he is the reason I have a fear response to men yelling. It took a lot of time with safe, supportive men for me to heal from that and have more positive associations for men yelling (i.e. having fun watching sports and yelling at the TV).
As an adult, it's still difficult to have a relationship with him. He gets angry when people "invalidate" his feelings but is very dismissive of other people's feelings. When people apologise for hurting him, he says it's not good enough (nothing ever is). When other people try to explain why they did something bad as a response to strong emotions, he says that it doesn't erase how he feels (this I agree with. All feelings are valid and excuses don't make thrm go away). But when someone points out that he lost his temper, got aggressive or got violent, he says "I only did that because you made me angry," or another similar emotional excuse that fails to take accountability. It's a double standard that posits him and his feelings as the priority.
He says every conversation with our mother feels like a battle but the rest of the family gets along with her fine. Every conversation with feels like a battle for me. Every time he wants something from anyone, it becomes a battle.
He is extremely sensitive to rejection of any kind. He complains that our mother doesn't trust him enough. He complains that I don't love him enough. He doesn't like the fearful way I begin "responding to [him]" when he gets aggressive. He thinks he is entitled to my love and care just because we share a mother and some DNA.
I'm a short, physically weak girl, so yes I feel scared when defending my boundaries to a man over 6ft.
I don't want a relationship with him. I want to tell him "We've never been close and we never will be. I will not have a relationship with you. I am not obligated to love you."
I have trouble setting boundaries because I usually stay away from people who won't immediately respect them. I don't like people who push. Please help me establish that I'm not interested in a relationship with this person.
TL;DR: my half brother doesn't treat me in a way i want to be treated. Do I have to have a relationship with him just because he wants one?

Hello, I am posting this mainly to stop any anxiety I may have about the situation. I went through a messy divorce with my ex. We were both on the loan and the application for the title for my car. I was finally able to get a hold of her to transfer the loan and title into my name through my bank. The only way she agreed to do this was because I offered her money. We refinanced the loan and she appeared in person to sign everything over at the bank with me. The bank said that the title and loan will now be in my name only; however, anxiety is getting the better of me. I want to be absolutely 100% sure before I pay her that she is off of the title because I know she will never talk to me again after I pay her. I'm planning to call the bank on Monday and ask once again if everything is only in my name and then pay her the amount we agreed on. I need to pay for my car registration soon in June and I was wondering if I needed to file anything with the DMV to show that the car is only in my name now or will that automatically update? I live in North Carolina if that changes anything.

I can't fucking stand it. Yesterday I was at a public bathroom, I went inside and when I opened a door there was a guy on his way out. He looked at me, obviously confused, and asked me "Oh sorry, am I in the women's bathroom?" and then looked at the "men's" sign. I just said "don't worry about it, I'm in the right place" and walked past him. Why do so many cis people have the need to comment on which bathroom you're using? If I see someone using a bathroom that I wouldn't expect them to go into I JUST MOVE ON BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!! I felt like crap afterwards because I was wearing clothes I love, and I really felt masc. Apparently not enough.

Trying to better my mental health - psych thinks most of the PMDD symptoms are made worse by autistic sensory issues and burnt out from caring for a high needs kid.
Her first line of treatment was a real no-go for me. So she gave me another antidepressant to trial. With a small chance of serotonin syndrome combined with my ADHD meds.
3 days on it and my pupils blacked out majority of the colour in my eyes. I got 3 hours of sleep the past couple nights. Tachycardia. Brain zaps and muscle spasms and a two day migraine. All of this happened last time with a different antidepressant years ago - got dangerous. Mum told me to stop it immediately.
Today was the first day off it but I still have all the symptoms, Austitic school age child is going through massive regression and Ive clean 4 lots of shitty underwear over the last couple days while she laughs manically and makes numerous demands or wants to see it trying to grab the underwear so now my hand is in shit and her hand is in shit - while she LAUGHS. I know its anxiety in her and she can't help laughing but my god it's triggering.
Get through all of that and she is overstimulated the entire afternoon after insisting on going to church with her grandmother. Church is loud and bright but I don't choose that battle because I could use an hour or so in bed to nurse my migraine so fuck it.
The entire afternoon is meltdowns over everything. Screaming at me because I told her to put the tablet down, screaming at me because she doesn't want the tablet anymore after I told her no more tablet for the afternoon?, getting mad at me because I didn't yet order the pizza despite it not being open yet, refusing to dry herself after a shower.
I made it through the day with minimal frustrated reactions (maybe 2 a winner today) and got frustrated visibily with her at bedtime but oh my god 😭 I feel awful for sending her to bed like that but also I just feel so depressed that this is the rest of my life.
I don't have her dad to help, I don't have carers or respite despite the fact I should have been eligible. Her OT tried to work it through my plan as a parental support but it didn't work out because the workers weren't used to kids with such demanding needs and who doesn't listen to them.
😭 I love her so much, today is just a bad day I know. But this really sucks.

So I (21M) bought a ring as a birthday present for a girl (21F) I kind of had a crush on for about half a year and maybe this was the last effort of me trying to figure out if she liked me too since there sometimes were signs of that but I don't really think she did. Long story short, her Birthday Party was cancelled and since she lives pretty far away, I didn't get to give the ring to her and probably won't be able to for a long time. Now recently I met a new girl (20F) who I'm pretty sure likes me and with whom I'm closer with after a month than with the other after half a year. Now her birthday is coming up and I know to 99% that she would love the ring too, but I don't know if I would feel bad knowing it wasn't originally bought for her. On the other hand, if it works out with her it would be kinda weird to gift the first one a RING of all things, so I would just sit on it forever. Nobody knows that I bought it and it is just a nice ring, nothing of Engagement or some sorts fyi. Would you just buy a new Gift or use the one you already got?

I've been in love with this woman(X) since I was 14 or 15. I'm 26 now. Nearly 10 or 11 years later. We've been close friends on and off througout these years. On and off because I keep trying to cut ties(which I fail to keep cut because I just end up talking to her again). I did it once in high school when she got a boyfriend and then started talking to her again when they broke up, but I never had the balls to ask her out the rest of high school, and finally when it ended I tried cutting ties again before I left for uni(thought it'd be for good this time because we were going to different states, more than 10 hours away from each other). Things were going okay in uni, in my first year, and I found someone else(Y) that I liked, she had a boyfriend(long distance) so I wasn't hitting on her but l'm pretty sure she knew I liked her. We got really close in the first few months of uni, one day she asks me if i like her and I said yes, after which we stopped talking which really fucking hurt because I thought we were close friends. Right after that happened I started texting X again and it was like we never stopped talking. I got caught for weed at my dorm one night and while I was flipping out about being kicked out of the dorm and my parents finding out, she calls me up and one of the worst nights of my life turned out to be the best, and I guess that's when I realized I'm might still be in love with her. And I confirmed I was in love with her when one of our mutual friends told me that she told him that she liked me at some point in high school. But I didn't wanna admit it or tell her because I saw no point since we were 10 hours apart which just made me feel like absolute shit. Prior to college, till shit went south with Y, I'd never smoked(cigs or weed) or drank and was completely against it. One night I decided to get wasted(it was my first time getting drunk, and the last tbh for another 2 years) and since I didnt know any better I had 8 or 9 shots of whiskey back to back after which I got pretty fucked up and out of control and I ended up texting her admitting how I felt in I think a fucking 3 page essay to which I got no response which made me feel like absolute dogshit and I ended up crying the entire night at my friend's place. Next day I was still feeling like shit and I was at another friend's place smoking up and still crying about it to him and he just picks up my phone and calls her up and asks her to talk to me and she tells me she doesn't feel the same which broke me. After that conversation I just decided to just say fuck it, and fuck up my life, and I was just getting high on weed, alcohol or some other substance every day for the next 4 years. I barely attended uni, managed to get a year back. Pretty much wasted 5 years of my life just getting high or drunk. Anyways after that conversation with X, I stopped talking to her till I think my third year of uni. I met her once in twice in between, once when we were both back at our hometown, and once when she came to score some weed with her boyfriend (yeah I was also a dealer in uni). When I got into my 3rd year of uni, one day she hits me up outta nowhere and she said she's coming over to stay with me, and she stayed for like 2 days. I didnt make a move because I am a fucking dumbass, and I thought she just came there because we were friends. I call myself a dumbass because I do not understand signals from women. I'm also calling myself a dumbass because me and X ended up making out last year and she told me that she's wanted to do this for a while and when I asked her when she told me it whenever she came over to stay with me(which happened like 2 times). And the thing is, we made out after not talking to each other for nearly 3 years. After my uni I decided to completely cut ties with her because I knew that I was fucking up my life and one of the main reasons, there were plenty tbh, that were much worse than a girl not liking me but none of that mattered really because I honestly haven't cared about anything or anyone as much as I cared about her and I didnt know how to get her to like me. At the time I even thought it was all her fault(because it's definitely easier to blame someone else for the shit that goes wrong in your life than to admit that you're the fucking problem) and so one night I just sent her this huge message telling her to get the fuck out if my life and how she has ruined it and blocked her. After this I decided to quit smoking weed every day and isolated myself for a good 6 months(well not really by choice, I decided to move to my uncle's house during covid, and he wouldn't let me out because he was scared of getting infected). After the 6 months I went back to my hometown and I meet her the day after I landed(cuz we have mutual friends) and she asked me if i blocked her and I said yeah. We ended up meeting again a couple of times because we pretty much have the same friends, which didn't help me get over her so I just decided to cut out all my friends for like 2 years. And honestly speaking I got my shit together in those 2 years. Now I've never been someone with a lot of confidence my whole life. I've been an addict with no self control. Addicted to different substances, food, porn, cigarettes, just being an absolute waste man. Throughout high-school I was a fatass ugly fucker. I got attractive in uni cuz I smoked weed and lost a fuck ton of weight, I was attractive on the outside but a piece of shit on the inside(I knew it, but no one else really did)so getting attractive really didn't help my confidence a bit. In the last 2 years I finally got my shit together, got over almost all my addictions(smoking was my main, now it's porn, trying to get over it now) started going to the gym regularly and felt happy about myself, and I decided to start talking to my old friends and unblocked X because I finally realized it's not her fault that shit went wrong in my life, but my own which i didn't really admit to her cuz I had too much ego. I didn't even start talking to her, I just unblocked her and started following her socials. We ended up meeting because of our mutual friends, and the second time we met, we got super drunk, and we both started apologizing to each other. Later that night she made a move on me and we made out for a bit. Now I've hooked up with other people, but I've always felt like shit about it because it just never felt good. But I can't forget this fucking night, like it's etched in my fucking memory unlike most things because I have a shit memory. Honestly I forget most things that happen in my life except for moments i spend with her. Thing is I didn't wanna pursue it any further because I was leaving the country to pursue my passion (which didn't work out and I returned back home) and now I feel like it's too late to pursue it, because I don't think she's interested. I don't wanna tell her how I feel either because I've done this before and it's never worked out. I used to keep making excuses about being single to everyone by telling people that i don't have the opportunity to meet a lot of women after college(partially true), but now at my new job I meet plenty of women but I'm not interested in any of them because I know deep down I'm still in love with X. I don't think I can fall in love with anyone else and honestly I don't know what the fuck to do at this point. Worst part is life is going great at this point after being down in the dumps for so long. Got a decent job that I actually like going to, got great friends, have a lot of control over myself, but I still don't feel any happier because I'm not with her. Can't even tell this to anyone cuz our mutual friends think I'm over her, and don't know anything that happened between us. And my other friends just don't support me liking her so I just tell them I don't like her anymore.

For context I’m going to see Joyner Lucas’ “Not now, I’m busy” tour next month with my wife. I’ve been a huge fan since he released “I’m not racist” back in 2017 and fell in love with his story telling and ability to play those two sided roles.
As an ADHD kid, that album became a bit of an anthem and still is one of my favorites from any artist and I was going through a lot of shit when Evolution dropped and it gave me an escape when I needed it so when I saw his tour was coming to my show and have finally got my life on track I bought my tickets without hesitation.
The only thing is I haven’t heard the album the tour is centered around but I’ve heard great things and am unsure if I want to learn the songs before and be able to sing along, or if it would be better to hear the set with no expectations and get a raw performance of these songs. My wife has heard songs when I play them passively as well as I’ve shown her songs like “I’m sorry”, “Ross Capicchioni” and “Devil’s Work”.
So what do you think do I listen to the album or not?

Just wanna catch myself before I overthink or do you think I’m reasonable.
My partner (27m) and I (31f), been together 3 years, have just moved overseas and he’s started a new job in delivery. He’s been mentioning this girl (25f), saying she used to be a model and has the same name as me. Funnily enough she lived from where we’re from for a year so he’s getting along with her the most due to relatable conversation.
This is fine.
Though the other day he got home early and said he was driving with a gentleman that day, who he gets along with as well, and got a ride home. Didn’t mention who dropped him home until a little later and it came out that she did. I would have thought it’d be the guy he was on shift with.
Again no real reason for concern until he was naming others he was meeting at the workplace. He was out driving with another girl one day and apparently she bypassed a comment about ‘model lady’ saying she doesn’t really like her because she’s not a “girls girl.”
This is when a red flag popped up. I’ve been staying cool this whole time when he’s spoken about model lady but now that I’ve heard this and the fact she’s offering him rides I wonder if her intentions are friendly or flirty.
Is this worth mentioning to him or should I just wait for now? I am completely secure that he is trustworthy, he loves me immensely, I just think becoming friends with someone who may have ill intent is not a good idea.
TLDR: Woman that works with bf, who is said to not be a “girls girl”, is becoming quite friendly with my man and he could be oblivious.

i have never officially “come out”. my parents know because they don’t live under a rock n i’m a hundred footer. it’s something i think my dad thinks i am confused about and my mom doesn’t give a shit as long as when it’s time to settle down i marry a man. i want to go to some local pride parades on june 1st and party. it is my first pride where i am not ashamed. i want to post pictures and videos of the parade. here is the issue. i have a pretty large following on all my social medias and i want to tell people i am proud of them, but my grandparents follow me on all my platforms. they are super homophobic and i dont want to be disowned. ik its weird but i love them very much. those old assholes r still my family and i need to come out sooner or later so when the time comes i can invite them to the wedding and all that. any advice on how i should go about everything?

A few days ago we fought from 1:30a till about 8am. We have lengthy arguments like this all the time. We used to date, and it played a key role in the end of our relationship along with us having different values in general. I made it clear before we started dating I can't handle much fighting, particularly yelling, because of aspects of my childhood.
Two fights happened on my two birthdays- or before other important things like it's the night before a road trip or I'm ON the road trip. They happen when I want to go to bed or I'm about to run an errand. He monologs for literal hours at a time, and I can't speak up when he speaks incorrectly on my part because then I'm interrupting him and that causes more issues than me being misunderstood or remembered incorrectly.
In our relationship they were often caused by me not wanting him to pay my for my phone/phone bill before we'd been dating for even 3 months, though they were also caused by me being late to coming over and stuff like that as well. Sometimes I'd accidentally fall asleep after work instead of coming over, if I lay down after a shower, which I did a few times as I worked very early in the morning, and it made him feel like I didn't value his time.
I didn't talk to him for a few months after we broke up, even though he tried to contact me to apologize several times by texting/phonecalls/visiting several times at my apartment. Eventually someone knocked on my door and I opened it before I realized it was him. I didn't want to turn him away so we talked and he very sincerely apologized and talked about how he'd been going to therapy. I could recognize a great deal of change in him and we caught up on eachothers lives.
I moved to a different state like a week after we got in contact and i am struggling with this long distance friendship. He wants to talk all the time and I.. don't. I enjoy texting but sometimes I want to watch a show or play a game uninterrupted, but if I don't respond enough he feels ignored. He also likes to talk on the phone all the time and I really really don't enjoy talking on the phone at all, especially for hours at a time. We talked every night for a couple weeks in the beginning. But after a bad fight i reminded him I don't like being on the phone and said I wanted some space, which had been on my mind prior to the argument. The next week we talk on the phone for like 3 nights for a few hours, and maybe a few other little calls here and there, but he says it's not enough
But the thing is.. even when we talked for hours every night and texted pretty often it still wasn't enough. The only time it was enough was a short window when I checked my phone pretty obsessively to make sure I didn't miss a message from him and always stopped what I was doing to take his call
If my snap score goes up when we're not talking he asks me about it. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable explaining to him the other people I talk to in the day. And often I'm not even talking to them when I'm not talking to him- they send me snaps when I'm not on my phone. I don't respond to anyone unless I make sure I respond to him first to avoid this exact issue. I feel anxious when my friends snap me because I know my score will go up and he's going to ask me about it
For the most part, our fights presently revolve around him feeling like I don't care enough about our friendship or he's feeling ignored by me. But I really really don't know what to do anymore. I was talking on the phone for hours at a time, I was texting all the time and keeping my responses as long as possible.. I was planning movie days, etc. It was never enough.
He's upset my responses are getting shorter. And to be honest they have. Often times I talk about my life, especially someone else in my life, it triggers a fight. Not always in the moment but it always comes back to bite me in the butt later. Particularly if I'm hanging out with my roommate, because in my friends eyes he and I get to hang out with all time. Which we kind of don't- my time is far more devoted to my friend than my roomate. But even if it wasn't- I like hanging out with my roomate because we can quietly sit in the same room together, and we don't have any conflict. He is a very kind presence and I'm grateful to have him as a friend.
It's hard talking about your life while also revealing the bare minimum about your life, and so I'm responding kind of shortly about my things and just try to focus on him.
The fight we had a few days ago was about us not talking enough. Sort of. The reasons our fights go on for hours is because I don't know how to respond to him when he brings up an issue. I sincerely try my best and I try it all. When he brings something up I explain to him I understand his concerns, both using his exact words and in my own words I explain why he's upset. If I agree with him I will apologize and tell him how I'm going to fix it and I fix it, after we fight for a few hours ofc, because he doesn't believe I can understand/apologize and fix something so early into a conversation.
Other times he keeps pushing me to explain myself, but if I explain my pov, things really really blow up because I don't always agree with him. And I think he confuses me not agreeing with him to not understanding. One of our fights came because he was upset when I got home with my roommate at 1am, when I had a 3 hour drive at 8am the next morning. Which blows my mind, because he fought with me literally all night before I drove across the state. I didn't tell him that though, I said I didn't mind getting home till 1 because I had fun when I was out and will still get plenty of sleep. But we still fought.
Anyway... the other day he brought up he feels like we don't talk enough. And I said I understand it's hard but this is the boundary I'm setting because I don't enjoy being on the phone. We fight and he says that even when we do talk I'm not talking enough right now. We fight and I reluctantly told him I just don't feel comfortable opening up right now. We fight and fight and it's turning me into a person I dont know or how to control.
In the beginning of our relationship I was quiet and just agreed to everything he said to avoid the argument. This didnt always work but it tends to. Now I get so overwhelmed and angry after several hours I mute my phone and scream into my pillow. This last call I started hitting myself, which I've never done before, and the next day my cheeks were bumpy and itchy, my forehead was swollen, my scalp hurt to touch, and I'm still getting over my two black eyes. He did NOT cause me to hit myself and he doesn't know. I feel silly for doing it. But I find myself at my breaking point and I don't know how to manage these fights anymore.
After hours and hours I break down and I just start agreeing to whatever he says I'm wrong about because I want it to end. I repeat the very thing I said eight hours ago- what I'm wrong about and how I'm going to fix it, but only now after crying on the phone all night long is it kind of enough.
He sent me a long apology the morning after the fight and said he wouldn't do it anymore. I thanked him for not wanting those fights anymore. He sent me a pic of his dog and I said she was cute. That night I let our streak die. He messaged me this morning "you let our streak die" and I sat at my phone for ten minutes thinking of how to respond and eventually I just decided not to. He called me twice tonight at around 8pm and texted that he wanted us to talk for a bit, but i had made plans with another friend of mine a week ago to play animal crossing, so I did that and didn't respond to him. At 3am I saw he was typing on snapchat and I'm anxious because I've been receiving snaps and know my score went up, even though I have sent zero snaps to keep the number as low as I can
I know he wants to be friends still
But I sort of don't want to be friends anymore???? I really love the positive things in our relationship. In a lot of ways he was the best boyfriend and best friend I've ever had. But I can't do this anymore. I hate the person I am in these fights. I know he does not control my actions, it is not his fault I scream in my pillow or gave myself black eyes. But I have never in my life had any sort of romantic or friendly relationship like this. And I don't enjoy it. I really really love not fighting with my loved ones. And I really feel like no matter what I do to make him feel heard when he brings up an issue it's not enough. Every fight we have damages our friendship, which I've told him several times. I used to get over them easily but I am just so drained I always feel wary for the next blow up.
But I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning our friendship? I don't know how to end a friendship? I've never had one end that wasn't a result of just growing apart. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish I never opened my door when he came over. I'm supposed to go to my home state shortly and I'm very anxious about being in the same state as him

Hi, so I talked to someone and it’s kinda over now but I want to see what y’all think. Sorry if it’s very long idk how to tell stories lol and for my English it’s not my first language🙁 Thank you. He’s a soldier and we started talking like a month ago he was sweet, complimented me a lot, talked to me even when he barely could or training (made an actual effort), even when he went to a place related to the military (I can’t say but dangerous), where they can’t have their phones, he took my phone number on a paper and said when they give them Nokias for a few minutes he will contact me, he actually called a few times and wasted most of his minutes calls on me, even before we met! also they didn’t give them Nokias in the end and called me from his commander phone, it was nice and romantic, I loved talking to him, he’s so sweet. And yeah before and after (in general) we talked a lot on the phone, and chatted everyday. Anyways, we met when he came back, actually it was kinda awkward in the beginning I was so nervous I felt like he was too even tho he said he’s not, I said to him I’m nervous too lol, he brought blanket, wine, chocolate and we kissed, the problem is he wanted to kiss a lott and even tried to touch me you know, so I said no it’s too early and he respected me but I asked beforehand, at the start, what’s he looking for and he said a relationship not hookups (like me), so I was wondering if he lied to me, he also lied about being my age even tho I found out he’s a year younger, he thought I would care, After the date he texted me “I enjoyed❤️” I answered me too. Also it’s important to mention that he’s very very apathetic from the start, but because he showed interest I didn’t care if it’s his personality. And then the day after he was more apathetic and barely talked, He went home from the military so then I was like ok I need to stop overthinking and let him be with his family & friends, I talked to him on the phone, and said that he barely show interest about my day, what I did.. And he didn’t even know what I talked about so I let it go and it just kept this way kinda, also delayed messages from him, still loved talking to him everyday still complimented me,and I felt he’s insecure too, the day before he was supposed to leave he said he goes to his friends in my city, so he wanted to see me it took me 2 seconds to answer so he said “never mind you don’t want no need”🤷🏽‍♀️ then he asked would I let him in my house I said not this time, I don’t feel comfortable yet, and I can’t today but you can come give me a hug and go loll cuz I wanted to see him, then we didn’t talk about it and he didn’t come, He came back to his base, that’s when he needed to comeback to the place I mentioned before, I didn’t even thought he will text me again I even thought he left and didn’t tell me bc he don’t care but then I see a text “what’s up? I leave tomorrow” we talk lil bit and then he called, I said comeback fast and he said for you, so I was happy it wasn’t over, thenn the day after, again I didn’t think he will text me fr but he texted me I was happyy, we talk and then he called me, I mentioned to him that we barely talk now and he said he knows he’s very busy, and that he will call me today before he goes in, he actually called and I said keep yourself safe I’m worried, after a week on Wednesday, he came back and called me to say he’s back and ok, (till Sunday, then he goes back there.. and for like month or 2) day after, I called to talk to him in the little time we have.. we talked, he’s not home yet but at the base, day after he texted me his WhatsApp is back, probably chatted like 10 messages that’s it, when he didn’t have WhatsApp he didn’t even tried to talk to me anywhere else and it’s sounds like I’m exaggerating but I really don’t care on the usual days but he have 4 days!! Then he leave! For a long time, So I didn’t get why he doesn’t make effort to talk to me, Anyways we talk here and there, day after.. nothing. they let them rest so I knew he’s not that busy anymore, and then I saw him online on Okcupid too, that’s when I knew he’s probably played me, it’s not like it’s cheating we’re not dating but if he was online he’s probably not thinking of me like I’m thinking of him, now it’s Sunday and he’s probably left. So yeah it’s over and I’m very sad but I’m trying to stay positive and think he’s just not the one.. I just don’t get what happened

Alright I want some input on this current situation: This girl I met through mutual friends about 1 year ago. We were just friends at first and then we would hang out, game together, etc. etc. Slowly I developed feelings for her. I decided to to shoot my shot(I literally said to her, "I'm interested in getting to know you better") and we chatted for about 3 weeks and then I decided to give her my number. She says "Sorry but I don't give out my number" and I tell her its ok, we're still friends but I pull back to focus my efforts elsewhere. In those 3 weeks, she sends me selfies and memes and other photos.
About 1.5 weeks later (no contact on my end) she messages me and asks "Do you hate me?" I respond and tell her No I don't. I fucked up and started conversating with her again after this and I decided to get even more direct. Then she finally decides to tell me she has a man and that she thought I knew. I tell her I wish you both good luck and I wouldn't have been in your DMs if I knew you had a man. She then says "Oh you won't get rid of me that easily"
Another week goes by and she messages me again. I'm trying to move on here but she keeps contacting me. I'm thinking I need to block and unfollow her. She was already muted and threads deleted.
My problem is we have a lot of mutual friends. I don't want to avoid them to get over her. I think I'm concerned more about others and what they think instead of doing what's best for me including her.
I'm usually the type of guy who doesn't hang out with women after shooting my shot. We're still cool but I need my space in order to move on. How can I say this to her without being a jerk?

Idk if this belongs here. If there's a more suitable page, please let me know.
Basically, nothing I ever do is enough. I babysit my sister 3 days a week, from 8am to 8pm. She in herself is another whole issue, but that's due to my mother's coddling, no doubt. During this time, I need to get my sister ready for school, drop her off, pick her up, do a variety of chores (dishwasher is all that she says, but she complains if the floors arent clean and the washing is piled up, so basically i try to do every possibke chore), make dinner for everyone, and feed our outdoor pet.
I don't mind this. My mum works hard. But when she comes home she complains about EVERYTHING. If my sister made a mess of something and I hadn't noticed it, if my sister touched the walls with greasy hands, if my shoes were in front of the door after I went out to feed the pet that her and my little sister got before i even knew. Like nothing is good enough. She's constantly bitching about my sisters, which makes me anxious to do the same. When I'm around her I don't dare grab a coke, snack, or make pasta, because she's constantly dogging on them for this.
One of the worst parts is how she claims she's blunt but everything feels passive aggressive. She will address it to my little sister like "Oh what have I told you about doing this, where's your this, hope you haven't been on that TV all day, what did you eat, oh baby let me go get you another drink." Her tone just screams that she's talking to me. Like, I'm sorry your kid is a literal demon. Idk what happened after I left for university, but my sister was lovely and silly, and she adored me, used to want to be me, and now she's horrifying. "If you don't do this, I'll tell Mum lies about you. If you don't, then you'll ruin my childhood, I love mum and my other sisters more than you."
Besides, nothing is good enough for my mother, I'm perfect. On social media, I'm the best daughter, I'm so smart, and she's so proud, and I'm so beautiful. She wonders why I have no self-worth? Because I've never heard those things to my face. I hear her tell me I have a good figure, but never without hearing, "You don't want to be like your sister. She's too skinny." Oh, I have a nice face? Only because my sister is so punchable.
She reminds me every day that she's a great mother. I'll say well you can be a bit this or that, and she has an excuse for everything." Why you do it doesn't matter. If it hurts, it hurts. What's the point in parenting if the child doesn't find it effective.
I recently told her I think I might have something not quite right with me. A lot of people (mostly AuDHD) say they think I'm autistic or have adhd, and I've thought that for a long time. I have a lot of issues, I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a mixture of many of them that just seems like autism or adhd. Basically, my mother said it's a trend right now and an excuse to be lazy. It was really giving "were all depressed, just stop being a lazy victim" vibes. She also told me I was too normal as a child and refutes all the instances of me being strange. Like when I had a no talking phase, when I told all my friends I didn't like them because they were too hard to talk to, when I cried to my mum basically explaining alexithymia to her because I didn't feel the emotions I expressed, all my various sensory issues I still have to this day that she said we're typical kid behaviour. It's all only gotten worse from there. I feel completely not normal, like I can't explain it. I also have a lot of issues with sounding monotone. Sometimes, I feel like I'm "dropping the act." From a young age, I've always been told off about my tone. If I'm angry, I better not sound it, if I'm sad, if I'm pissed off. I'm always lectured about my tone, but she sounds like she's making passive-aggressive jabs at me all the time, and that's fine.
There's so much more, like so much more. A lot of things she would say never happened. Like how she let my abusive bf take drugs to a holiday and kind of peer pressuring me to do them (I got SAd while I was sleeping that night by him). She said the whole time she didn't like him but didn't tell me in case I got upset. Or that time when I was getting pressured by my bf at 13, and she thought something was going on and just told me if I'm going to do anything I should just ask her for condoms instead of being an idiot. Reading this back, holy shit. One time she was crying and I went to give her a hug and she shooed me away and told me to leave her alone, and then seconds later my sisters aunt did the same thing and she broke down to her even more and hugging her. I was her emotional support child, btw, so obviously, this crushed me as that felt like my only value to her.
But yeah, there's so much idk how to even get into it all. So it probably doesn't seem so bad because this is probably typical parent behaviour. Also, yes, she is a single mother, and I'm grateful, but she has never said sorry to me. Never. It's always sorry you feel that way, but you're dramatic, victimising yourself, lazy, you'll thank me later. Like, no, I won't. Later you'll be estranged. She also has it in my head that no man is good. She keeps warning me of my bf, who yes is a pos sometimes, but better than a druggy rpist? I'd fricking say so, yeah. I tried to OD after breaking up with him. She doesn't even know because if I told her, she'd say I'm stupid and selfish. She also gets annoyed when I unblock my bf (as I broke up with him) to work things out. We're in a hard place, and I'm having complex emotions, and she just wants me to block him and spend time with family and study well. Like, let me grieve, jeez. She also tells me him mother is a psycho jealous bitch and his dad is a pdo. Like excuse me? You met them once, and know nothing about them.
I'm just writing this because I woke up to her complaining about a single cup and some pans that were left out last night (since the dishwasher was on) and saying how it's unfair as she wakes up early and has to deal with it. Why didn't you deal with it by cleaning it if it bothered you? Instead you wait till people are awake to criticise it and make them feel bad. Like we always do the dishwasher, that's one of my babysitting chores. Just ask me to do it nicely when I wake up, why all the backhanded comments and sparky remarks? Just communicate, you're 45, get a grip. She feigns perfection constantly and paints us as a perfect family when one child has cptsd, one has anxiety, I got a shit tonne of issues, and my little sister is an absolute entitled brat who will cry and scream and threaten if not given her way. Literally my sister said she would tell lies about me because I told her to wipe her own ass because I had chores to do (she's 8) and she said my mother would do it and that's why she doesn't love me. I want out of this house, but my mum will fault me for not babysitting as it costs money, and I do it for free.
Ask any questions you'd like. I understand there's not much to go off of, I'm happy to elaborate as I really need to vent I can't lie.

TLDR; long story short, I'm not allowed to talk to her about him. I love him so much and it's been hard times between us, he has made real efforts to renew the trust between us recently. I opened up about still feeling mentally stuck, unsure about how to move past problems mentally. He's doing a good job and I keep getting flashbacks to all the micro-cheating discovered over the past year.
I have serious insecurities and self-esteem issues now, and get incredibly anxious even when exposed to day-to-day triggers.
I opened up to her (it had been months since I last talked about him), I said she didn't even need to open the message or reply, because I felt better just being able to talk to someone about it out loud.
She replied with a HUGE paragraph saying I can't talk about him anymore, says she only wants to give advice if I take it (she generally doesn't give positive advice, she mostly just shits on his character :/ ). Called the relationship toxic (despite his recent amazing efforts), called me crazy, took my self-awareness as "complaining over and over again" and said she would "support" me so long as I don't talk about him. I apologised for opening up but have not forgotten what she said for days. I feel I can't talk to anybody else about this in my life, and find it difficult to open up to begin with. I honestly have not brought up that much to her!
Any advice from people who learned how to forgive and improve self-confidence mindset after partner micro-cheating? Or what to do when you're strictly not allowed to discuss your partner to your closest friend anymore?
I want to respect her boundaries of course, but this makes me so sad because he is very important to me, it hurts to not be able to talk about him and our improvements or struggles. Plus I barely told her the tip of the iceberg and feel very unsupported by her.
————— P.S, I have a detailed explanation of this, if you'd like to know more I'm happy to comment. It's a very complicated.

I've been in love with this girl(X) since I was 14 or 15. I'm 26 now. Nearly 10 or 11 years later. We've been close friends on and off througout these years. On and off because I keep trying to cut ties(which I fail to keep cut because I just end up talking to her again). I did it once in high school when she got a boyfriend and then started talking to her again when they broke up, but I never had the balls to ask her out the rest of high school, and finally when it ended I tried cutting ties again before I left for uni(thought it'd be for good this time because we were going to different states, more than 10 hours away from each other). Things were going okay in uni, in my first year, and I found someone else(Y) that I liked, she had a boyfriend(long distance) so I wasn't hitting on her but l'm pretty sure she knew I liked her. We got really close in the first few months of uni, one day she asks me if i like her and I said yes, after which we stopped talking which really fucking hurt because I thought we were close friends. Right after that happened I started texting X again and it was like we never stopped talking. I got caught for weed at my dorm one night and while I was flipping out about being kicked out of the dorm and my parents finding out, she calls me up and one of the worst nights of my life turned out to be the best, and I guess that's when I realized I'm might still be in love with her. And I confirmed I was in love with her when one of our mutual friends told me that she told him that she liked me at some point in high school. But I didn't wanna admit it or tell her because I saw no point since we were 10 hours apart which just made me feel like absolute shit. Prior to college, till shit went south with Y, I'd never smoked(cigs or weed) or drank and was completely against it. One night I decided to get wasted(it was my first time getting drunk, and the last tbh for another 2 years) and since I didnt know any better I had 8 or 9 shots of whiskey back to back after which I got pretty fucked up and out of control and I ended up texting her admitting how I felt in I think a fucking 3 page essay to which I got no response which made me feel like absolute dogshit and I ended up crying the entire night at my friend's place. Next day I was still feeling like shit and I was at another friend's place smoking up and still crying about it to him and he just picks up my phone and calls her up and asks her to talk to me and she tells me she doesn't feel the same which broke me. After that conversation I just decided to just say fuck it, and fuck up my life, and I was just getting high on weed, alcohol or some other substance every day for the next 4 years. I barely attended uni, managed to get a year back. Pretty much wasted 5 years of my life just getting high or drunk. Anyways after that conversation with X, I stopped talking to her till I think my third year of uni. I met her once in twice in between, once when we were both back at our hometown, and once when she came to score some weed with her boyfriend (yeah I was also a dealer in uni). When I got into my 3rd year of uni, one day she hits me up outta nowhere and she said she's coming over to stay with me, and she stayed for like 2 days. I didnt make a move because I am a fucking dumbass, and I thought she just came there because we were friends. I call myself a dumbass because I do not understand signals from women. I'm also calling myself a dumbass because me and X ended up making out last year and she told me that she's wanted to do this for a while and when I asked her when she told me it whenever she came over to stay with me(which happened like 2 times). And the thing is, we made out after not talking to each other for nearly 3 years. After my uni I decided to completely cut ties with her because I knew that I was fucking up my life and one of the main reasons, there were plenty tbh, that were much worse than a girl not liking me but none of that mattered really because I honestly haven't cared about anything or anyone as much as I cared about her and I didnt know how to get her to like me. At the time I even thought it was all her fault(because it's definitely easier to blame someone else for the shit that goes wrong in your life than to admit that you're the fucking problem) and so one night I just sent her this huge message telling her to get the fuck out if my life and how she has ruined it and blocked her. After this I decided to quit smoking weed every day and isolated myself for a good 6 months(well not really by choice, I decided to move to my uncle's house during covid, and he wouldn't let me out because he was scared of getting infected). After the 6 months I went back to my hometown and I meet her the day after I landed(cuz we have mutual friends) and she asked me if i blocked her and I said yeah. We ended up meeting again a couple of times because we pretty much have the same friends, which didn't help me get over her so I just decided to cut out all my friends for like 2 years. And honestly speaking I got my shit together in those 2 years. Now I've never been someone with a lot of confidence my whole life. I've been an addict with no self control. Addicted to different substances, food, porn, cigarettes, just being an absolute waste man. Throughout high-school I was a fatass ugly fucker. I got attractive in uni cuz I smoked weed and lost a fuck ton of weight, I was attractive on the outside but a piece of shit on the inside(I knew it, but no one else really did)so getting attractive really didn't help my confidence a bit. In the last 2 years I finally got my shit together, got over almost all my addictions(smoking was my main, now it's porn, trying to get over it now) started going to the gym regularly and felt happy about myself, and I decided to start talking to my old friends and unblocked X because I finally realized it's not her fault that shit went wrong in my life, but my own which i didn't really admit to her cuz I had too much ego. I didn't even start talking to her, I just unblocked her and started following her socials. We ended up meeting because of our mutual friends, and the second time we met, we got super drunk, and we both started apologizing to each other. Later that night she made a move on me and we made out for a bit. Now I've hooked up with other people, but I've always felt like shit about it because it just never felt good. But I can't forget this fucking night, like it's etched in my fucking memory unlike most things because I have a shit memory. Honestly I forget most things that happen in my life except for moments i spend with her. Thing is I didn't wanna pursue it any further because I was leaving the country to pursue my passion (which didn't work out and I returned back home) and now I feel like it's too late to pursue it, because I don't think she's interested. I don't wanna tell her how I feel either because I've done this before and it's never worked out. I used to keep making excuses about being single to everyone by telling people that i don't have the opportunity to meet a lot of women after college(partially true), but now at my new job I meet plenty of women but I'm not interested in any of them because I know deep down I'm still in love with X. I don't think I can fall in love with anyone else and honestly I don't know what the fuck to do at this point. Worst part is life is going great at this point after being down in the dumps for so long. Got a decent job that I actually like going to, got great friends, have a lot of control over myself, but I still don't feel any happier because I'm not with her.

First of all MIT Love you. Everything you have, is perfect professors, research labs, and especially the experience, just Love you my MIT.
You r not my crush, but rather my love of all lifetimes. I tried to propose you after graduating high school, I don't know what happened I got rejected, it hurt so bad literally sooo bad, that I got into depression.
But the Last ray of Hope that I got somehow in this planet, while still in depression was that I can apply for Transfer Admission and still spend my wonderful years of undergrad with my love of all lifetimes, MIT.
I applied in my sophomore year for Junior year transfer to MIT, got rejected for the second time. I knew it was gonna be hardest of all times to transfer Internationally, to date you MIT, for my remaining undergraduate years. I would have been on cloud9 if I was one of those transfer people you got to date with. Not even waitlist, this made me literally soooooo sad. I don't know whether I am in depression or not, while I write this, I can't say and don't want to say much as I don't know what's has happened after I saw, that rejection. It just took my soul and heart away from my body, and I am literally only a walking body who just has to do some work that's all.
My heart is lost, my brain is lost, my soul is lost, earlier all they were with MIT, but after rejection, they have undergone molecular disintegration. I feel literally like a peice of shit, who doesn't deserve anything. So, I have lost all my feelings for everything that's happening, in my life.
Just for the sake of the all mighty, I begged him atleast make me eligible to apply for Junior transfer again for next year transfer fall 2025. Even though I will be in my junior year at my current college that doesn't offer my major at all. No research regarding that.
I want to ask 2 things from this wonderful community.
1) Can I apply anyway for Junior year transfer next year fall 2025, even though I will be in my junior year at my current college. I know like minimum 2 years must be spent at MIT to satisfy degree requirements. If I have to repeat my Junior year I am fine with that. Pls tell me someone it's possible plssssssssssssss
One request pls pls tell me about Visiting undergraduate program, it doesn't offer aid and my family can't even pay like for 1 week stay overall, so without aid, it won't make sense.
2) I really want to research with some specific research professors in the major, I wanted to apply to and pursue research, so can I cold email those professors so that I could do research with them. Like as you might have got to know after reading till here, I am an Intl from other country with a low tier college. How can I pursue research with professors by cold e-mailing, or if there is any other way pls pls ls pls tell me that.
One more request, pls don't tell about PhD, and masters. I know I want to pursue PhD for sure, but I deeply wanted to spend my undergrad with my love MIT. What can I do now for that?
Please tell My Dear LOVING MIT community, share your opinions, advices , anything else you want to share, all are welcome.
One request to mods, pls don't post this down pls.

I wanted to start keeping a record of my unhealthy habits, specifically my bad relationship with food. There won’t be reasoning behind the way I write this. Today, I binged and purged. I felt so ugly and I hate myself for doing this. I tried to control it, but I don’t seem able to. The utter lack of control feel like I changed myself to the wall while someone else controls my body. I get this sense of rush when I purging I just want to keep on going. My fingers go further back into my throat where there is no more coming out of me. My brain says to stop myself but my body didn’t react like how I want it to.
I came back from the gym feeling good. I wasn’t even all that hungry; my body just wanted something to fill me up. Usually, it’s hunger, sometimes it’s sexual. It’s sad what my life has become. I feel like a used up corner whore that is free and easy to get at. Thought I still have some standards I tend to not follow them all the time. The amount of times I allowed men to let there excretions linger in my body is insane. Everytime it happens I go to Taco Bell and cry myself to sleep because I know these guys just want me for sex. No one has ever truly stayed and cared for me through all my moments. I get it, who would want to deal with a head case like me. They say I’m the best they ever had but they never satisfy me — except one person but he’s an exception. When I go through these episodes I want men back to back. Just so I can feel something. Am I the male version of a nymphomaniac? No, I googled it. There is a lot of similarities but I don’t believe I am because it’s not a constant craving. People love to assume things about me. I know I shouldn’t care much about what people say, but at the end of the day, it gets to me. It’s worse when it comes from people I thought were close friends.
I know I need to go back to therapy, but I can’t bring myself to go. I have trauma from my past years of therapy and don’t feel comfortable going through that again. This binge eating is getting to me. I’m amazed that I haven’t started the starving process again. Congratulations are in order for that. When I did that, the rapid weight loss scared me but also motivated me to continue. It was actually a slow way of killing myself. I enjoyed the pain of daily existence and how light-headed I got when I moved too fast.
I hate the fact that no one realized what was going on. My teachers didn’t even give a fuck. I know I shouldn’t except them to but still they re mandatory reporters. Are you going to tell me you don’t see a 320-pound kid become 200 pounds in three months as something concerning? My hair was falling out, I was fainting everywhere, and no one cared. My doctor even did a physical on me and believed everything I said. Aren’t these people at all smart enough to determine if someone is lying to their faces. I feel so isolated and still feel the same regardless of having friends who say they care about me. I don’t and can’t believe it. I feel like everyone has been lying to me because I end up getting manipulated for things that I do because I want to be nice. I become a bitch because of that, then no one wants to be friends.
I can’t let people in because I’m scared. It all goes full circle, and it’s been a cycle that I haven’t been able to break out of for years. I just wish I was perfect. I wish I was built like a Greek god and had the personality of an angel. I wish I was one of the luckiest and smartest humans on the planet. I wish I was loved. Actually, that’s all I really want – I just want to be loved.
My heart is just a playground for guys to hurt. It’s been broken over and over again, and I don’t think I could truly love again. My heart is the ant to the kids with the microscope. My tummy hurts from throwing up. What did I do? I hate myself. I can’t even love myself, so how can I want external love if I can’t love myself? Why can’t I love myself? Why do I struggle to see myself as someone who is valid and worthy of love? Billie’s new album came out.