There it was, on the table in Nicola Coughlan’s apartment — a microscopic undergarment that loomed large in the actor’s mind.
The “Bridgerton” costume department had sent Coughlan home with a piece of intimacy wear that was essentially a strapless thong that would cover the bare essentials of her body during an upcoming love scene.
It would be her first time ever acting in such a scene, in a series known globally for its sexy yet empowering bedroom romps, and it would require her to be almost totally naked in front of people she’d worked with for years. Coughlan was understandably terrified. One night, she poured herself a margarita and summoned the liquid courage to try on the tiny sliver of fabric.
“I went to the bathroom and looked in the full-length mirror. I was like, ‘Absolutely not.’ I hid it down the bottom of the laundry basket,” Coughlan recalled on a cold morning in January at Netflix’s offices in Manhattan. “I was like, ‘How am I going to do this?’”
Coughlan eventually got over her nerves. Much to her surprise, she found the process of filming the scenes with her co-star Luke Newton creatively satisfying — liberating, even. “By the end of the day, we were both lying under a blanket, not clothed, just chillin’. We were like, ‘This is why nudists do it,’” said Coughlan, who speaks in a rapid, melodious accent that only adds to her natural exuberance.
While discussing the arc of her career, she goes on joyful digressions, praising everything from Mrs. Renfro’s salsa to Ryan Gosling’s performance in the forgotten teen series “Breaker High” to “Saturday Night Live,” which she’s just attended for the third time and hopes to host one day (are you listening, Lorne Michaels?).
She is nothing if not enthusiastic, and she brings this level of passion to Season 3 of “Bridgerton,” the first half of which will return to Netflix on Thursday. Until now, her character, Penelope Featherington, has been content to be a wallflower in the ballrooms of Regency London, allowing her to observe and secretly write a society scandal sheet under the pseudonym Lady Whistledown.
But this season will focus on Penelope as she — spoiler alert — consummates her long-simmering crush on Colin Bridgerton (Newton) in a friends-to-lovers storyline with distinct rom-com overtones. Penelope’s move into the center of the narrative also meant that Coughlan faced new pressures as the lead in one of the most watched and dissected shows on Netflix.
“With Penelope this season, it felt like there were so many things that were reflected in real life. The whole theme of her stepping out of the shadows and into the light, and not feeling quite ready — I felt like I had to do that,” said Coughlan.
“It was really challenging. It was terrifying. It was cathartic. It was a million and one things,” she added. “I loved it.”
She juggled “Bridgerton” with an edgy turn in “Big Mood,” a “Fleabag”-esque dark comedy released last month on Tubi. On top of that, she also had a small role in the biggest box office hit of 2023, “Barbie” — she wanted to do more but, alas, her schedule was too packed — and filmed a guest appearance in the “Doctor Who” Christmas special to be released later this year.
It amounts to a long-simmering breakout moment for Coughlan, who is 37 but thanks to a preternaturally dewy complexion often plays characters who are much younger than she is, like a Catholic high school student in the Troubles-themed sitcom “Derry Girls.”
“It was very exciting to play grown women. But I was like, ‘Can I do that?’ Even in drama school, they would always cast me as the random kid, like, there was an Ibsen play called ‘Little Eyolf,’ and I had to play Eyolf. I was like, ‘This is gonna be me forever.’”
Raised in County Galway on the western coast of Ireland, she grew up liking whatever her older siblings were into — whether it was Nirvana or “Wayne’s World.” When her sister starred in the school play, Coughlan showed up in a sequined vest, looking like a little Liza Minnelli — as if she knew she also wanted to be onstage. (She still has a taste for eccentric glamour: Despite the wintry gloom, she’s decked out in a gold spangled dress and a cloud-like ruffled bolero.)
At age 9, she scored her first professional gig, a movie called “My Brother’s War” starring James Brolin. She got the day off from school, but she wanted more. “I used to look at the Olsen twins. I was like, ‘God, look, look at where they are,’” she joked. As a teenager, she did regular voice work in cartoons. Her father, who was in the Irish army (as a teenage cadet, he took part in U.S. President Kennedy’s funeral in 1963), and mother, a stay-at-home parent, were supportive but also baffled by their youngest child’s dramatic streak. “It’s really not in my family at all,” Coughlan said.
After graduating from the National University of Ireland Galway, Coughlan enrolled in a foundational course at the Oxford School of Drama in England, where she quickly bonded with fellow student Camilla Whitehill.
“We were the only people there that really cared about things being funny,” said Whitehill, a playwright who would go on to create “Big Mood” as a vehicle for her old drama school friend. “Everyone else just wanted to do plays where their family had died, or whatever.”
There it was, on the table in Nicola Coughlan’s apartment — a microscopic undergarment that loomed large in the actor’s mind.
The “Bridgerton” costume department had sent Coughlan home with a piece of intimacy wear that was essentially a strapless thong that would cover the bare essentials of her body during an upcoming love scene.
It would be her first time ever acting in such a scene, in a series known globally for its sexy yet empowering bedroom romps, and it would require her to be almost totally naked in front of people she’d worked with for years. Coughlan was understandably terrified. One night, she poured herself a margarita and summoned the liquid courage to try on the tiny sliver of fabric.
“I went to the bathroom and looked in the full-length mirror. I was like, ‘Absolutely not.’ I hid it down the bottom of the laundry basket,” Coughlan recalled on a cold morning in January at Netflix’s offices in Manhattan. “I was like, ‘How am I going to do this?’”
Coughlan eventually got over her nerves. Much to her surprise, she found the process of filming the scenes with her co-star Luke Newton creatively satisfying — liberating, even. “By the end of the day, we were both lying under a blanket, not clothed, just chillin’. We were like, ‘This is why nudists do it,’” said Coughlan, who speaks in a rapid, melodious accent that only adds to her natural exuberance.
While discussing the arc of her career, she goes on joyful digressions, praising everything from Mrs. Renfro’s salsa to Ryan Gosling’s performance in the forgotten teen series “Breaker High” to “Saturday Night Live,” which she’s just attended for the third time and hopes to host one day (are you listening, Lorne Michaels?).
Luke Newton and Nicola Coughlan hold champagne glasses on "Bridgerton."
Colin Bridgerton (Luke Newton) and Penelope Featherington (Nicola Coughlan) go from friends to lovers in Season 3 of “Bridgerton.” (Liam Daniel / Netflix)
She is nothing if not enthusiastic, and she brings this level of passion to Season 3 of “Bridgerton,” the first half of which will return to Netflix on Thursday. Until now, her character, Penelope Featherington, has been content to be a wallflower in the ballrooms of Regency London, allowing her to observe and secretly write a society scandal sheet under the pseudonym Lady Whistledown.
But this season will focus on Penelope as she — spoiler alert — consummates her long-simmering crush on Colin Bridgerton (Newton) in a friends-to-lovers storyline with distinct rom-com overtones. Penelope’s move into the center of the narrative also meant that Coughlan faced new pressures as the lead in one of the most watched and dissected shows on Netflix.
“With Penelope this season, it felt like there were so many things that were reflected in real life. The whole theme of her stepping out of the shadows and into the light, and not feeling quite ready — I felt like I had to do that,” said Coughlan.
“It was really challenging. It was terrifying. It was cathartic. It was a million and one things,” she added. “I loved it.”
She juggled “Bridgerton” with an edgy turn in “Big Mood,” a “Fleabag”-esque dark comedy released last month on Tubi. On top of that, she also had a small role in the biggest box office hit of 2023, “Barbie” — she wanted to do more but, alas, her schedule was too packed — and filmed a guest appearance in the “Doctor Who” Christmas special to be released later this year.
It amounts to a long-simmering breakout moment for Coughlan, who is 37 but thanks to a preternaturally dewy complexion often plays characters who are much younger than she is, like a Catholic high school student in the Troubles-themed sitcom “Derry Girls.”
“It was very exciting to play grown women. But I was like, ‘Can I do that?’ Even in drama school, they would always cast me as the random kid, like, there was an Ibsen play called ‘Little Eyolf,’ and I had to play Eyolf. I was like, ‘This is gonna be me forever.’”
Raised in County Galway on the western coast of Ireland, she grew up liking whatever her older siblings were into — whether it was Nirvana or “Wayne’s World.” When her sister starred in the school play, Coughlan showed up in a sequined vest, looking like a little Liza Minnelli — as if she knew she also wanted to be onstage. (She still has a taste for eccentric glamour: Despite the wintry gloom, she’s decked out in a gold spangled dress and a cloud-like ruffled bolero.)
At age 9, she scored her first professional gig, a movie called “My Brother’s War” starring James Brolin. She got the day off from school, but she wanted more. “I used to look at the Olsen twins. I was like, ‘God, look, look at where they are,’” she joked. As a teenager, she did regular voice work in cartoons. Her father, who was in the Irish army (as a teenage cadet, he took part in U.S. President Kennedy’s funeral in 1963), and mother, a stay-at-home parent, were supportive but also baffled by their youngest child’s dramatic streak. “It’s really not in my family at all,” Coughlan said.
After graduating from the National University of Ireland Galway, Coughlan enrolled in a foundational course at the Oxford School of Drama in England, where she quickly bonded with fellow student Camilla Whitehill.
“We were the only people there that really cared about things being funny,” said Whitehill, a playwright who would go on to create “Big Mood” as a vehicle for her old drama school friend. “Everyone else just wanted to do plays where their family had died, or whatever.”
Nicola Coughlan holds her fingers against her cheek. Yellow orbs float behind her.
Nicola Coughlan on playing Penelope this season: “The whole theme of her stepping out of the shadows and into the light, and not feeling quite ready — I felt like I had to do that.” (Evelyn Freja / For The Times)
Coughlan, ever the pop culture connoisseur, introduced Whitehill to the sitcom “Arrested Development.”
“She’s one of those people who, if she thinks you will like something, she will make you watch it. And she is — annoyingly — usually right,” added Whitehill. (More recently, Coughlan urged her friend to catch up on “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.” “It’s such an easy one to sell to people. I’m like, ‘One of them is a cult leader who’s married to her granddad; are you in or are you out?’” Coughlan said.)
They both eventually landed in London, where “neither of us was successful at all for our whole 20s,” said Whitehill, who would often cast Coughlan in “my bad unpaid short plays at pubs,” including one where Coughlan played a cat.
“You leave drama school, which is a lovely, cozy bosom where you get to do the thing you love every day. Then you go, ‘Hang on. Thousands of people leave drama school every year, and they want to do the exact job I do.’ It seems so improbable that you’ll make a living doing it,” said Coughlan. “I felt like a loser at so many points.”
One such nadir came when she was working at a frozen yogurt shop at a mall in West London and the cheap jeans she wore as part of her uniform tore “right up the butt crack.” It was sobering, she said. “I was like, ‘This is not the life I wanted.’”
By the time she was in her late 20s, she’d moved back home and was working for an optician in Galway. Then she saw a listing for an open casting call for a festival of plays being put on by the Old Vic Theatre. Even though she was broke, she flew back to London for the audition and landed a part in a play called “Jess and Joe Forever.”
It marked a turning point for Coughlan, who was soon cast as studious teen Clare Devlin in Channel 4’s “Derry Girls,” a project she was drawn to because of its vividly drawn female characters.
“They were all really distinct — young women who were ballsy and foul-mouthed,” she said. She convinced herself that the show would flop because “people hate women trying to be funny.” Instead, the show was a massive hit in the U.K. and earned a devoted following in the U.S. when it was picked up by Netflix.
Then, Shonda Rhimes came calling about “Bridgerton.” After a single audition, Coughlan was cast as Penelope, a thoughtful, sharp-witted young woman with an overbearing mother and tacky, dim-witted sisters. Season 1 was released in late 2020, when much of the world was staying home because of the COVID-19 pandemic-related closures, and it became a sensation.
Whitehill recalls going out with her friend once restrictions had lifted in the U.K. and sensing how much had shifted. “It’s such a weird, un-put-into-words-able experience to watch someone you know for such a long time become globally famous,” she said. The fact that Coughlan didn’t find success straight out of school “has grounded her significantly, which means that she doesn’t let it go to her head.”
Success has not come without complications, however, like the relentless media scrutiny around Coughlan’s physical appearance. “It’s really hard and feels [like] s—,” she said.
In 2018, she wrote an essay for the Guardian responding to a theater critic who described her character in a London production of “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” as “an overweight little girl.” Coughlan is determined to push back against this kind of casual body-shaming because, she said, “I grew up at a time where it was so overt. There was the circle of shame for cellulite [in magazines] — just horrific, horrific messaging.”
It’s also why this season of “Bridgerton,” which celebrates the allure of a character often overlooked as a wallflower, is so meaningful to Coughlan — and why she suspects it will resonate with so many viewers. Rhimes and showrunner Jess Brownell decided Season 3 should deviate from the timeline in Julia Quinn’s novels and focus on Penelope and Colin — a couple known to fans as “Polin.”
“We’ve watched Colin not quite understand that Penelope has a crush on him for two seasons. You can only play that dynamic out for so long before it gets frustrating,” said Brownell.
Stepping into the lead meant Coughlan would need to be on set nearly every day for eight months straight. But if she was overwhelmed at first, she didn’t let on. “She just seemed so game and ready for anything on set,” said Brownell. “If anything, I just noticed how seriously she was taking her preparation.”
Coughlan was insightful and collaborative, said Brownell, sharing an endless stream of ideas about her character in a WhatsApp group chat with Newton and Brownell. She had suggestions for specific music cues and for Penelope’s makeover, which sees her ditching her tight red poodle curls and garish citrus-hued gowns for loose waves and cool blues and greens. Coughlan is also very plugged into the fandom, and she advocated for including a scene, important to novel readers, in which Penelope calls Colin “Mr. Bridgerton.”
As if that weren’t enough, she even found time to bake fresh Irish soda bread and bring it to set.
This season is “a lot lighter and more playful than we’ve been able to be in the past,” Brownell added. The writing leans into Coughlan’s strengths as a comedic performer, particularly her knack for awkward banter, a skill she deploys as Penelope throws herself into the London social season in a bid to find a husband.
Coughlan, who enjoyed being, as she put it, “the weirdo in the background” for the first two seasons of “Bridgerton” and who idolizes women like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Kristen Wiig, said it was a thrill “to play Penelope as goofy and terrible with men.”
Like Coughlan, Newton was nervous about filming the love scenes but found the anxiety quickly dissipated after the first take. “We both had a similar outlook — it’s like doing comedy because you’re having to put yourself out there and feel exposed and risk something,” said Newton (who watched “Hamilton” at Coughlan’s recommendation and loved it, just as she predicted.) Because of how these moments focus on consent and emotional intimacy, “It was essential that we were friends,” he said.
The co-stars were especially heartened to hear from a burly security guard named Dave who has worked on “Bridgerton” since Season 1 and was moved by the romance he watched them act out on set.
“He came to Luke and I and said, ‘I don’t normally watch shows like this. Something about this season is very special, and I’m very proud of you,’” Coughlan recalled.
For several weeks, Coughlan was filming “Bridgerton” and “Big Mood” at the same time. She coped with the stress by watching “Vanderpump Rules” from the beginning.
“It’s a testament to how nosy I am that I heard people talking about Scandoval, had no frame of reference and was like, ‘Well, I need to know,’” said Coughlan, now a superfan who recently threw a “Vanderpump”-themed housewarming party and made a beeline to take a selfie with Ariana Madix when she was at “SNL.” It’s not just escapism: She also finds creative inspiration in reality TV personalities, channeling some of Lala Kent’s mannerisms into her character in “Big Mood.” “You forget how f— weird people are, how bizarre they can be,” she said.
In January, Coughlan had not yet seen the new season of “Bridgerton.” But by phone in early May, she said she’d finally watched the episode in which Colin and Penelope sleep together, nervously, by herself in a hotel room. Once again, the anticipation was worse than the thing itself.
“I laughed and cried and I was like, ‘Oh, my God, it’s amazing,’” she said. “They’re not titillating just to be titillating, even though we hope they are sexy. There’s so much about female pleasure and positive sexual experiences, and we don’t get enough of that onscreen.”
Coughlan has reached a bittersweet crossroads on “Bridgerton,” now that her character’s big season has wrapped and she will soon return to being “the weirdo in the background.” But she has no regrets.
“We left it all on the pitch. There’s nothing I wanted to do this season that I didn’t get to do,” she said. “And that’s a rare thing.”
Source: https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/tv/story/2024-05-12/nicola-coughlan-bridgerton-season-3
It seems some people are having trouble accessing it. There's no paywall for me, and I'm in the USA.

• The way Tony found out it was Johnny Sac that beat up Donny Kafranza. It's wasn't from Donny K bc he was still unconscious when Tony confronted John. It was 2 hours Mr Lubimov spent scrubbing his urine off of Donny K. His DNA was an exact match.
• Love when Ginny gets on the scale and then writes down on a pad of paper, "still fat"...
• Johnny, "She's had a wait problem since the kids were born". True. She can't wait to eat.
• Furio wants to make his garage into an apartment for his parents?! It has no HVAC or plumbing and he's going to have them live out there in a cold weather area? Zip probably wiped his ass bare-handed before he came over here.
• I think hell would be Sashka Kupferberg sitting on your face on a warm summer day.
• Christopher: Create a little dysentery in the ranks. It's 'dissention', Chris. But an amusing attempt!
• It actually was a pretty smart idea Ralph had getting out in front of his sleazy bedroom indiscretions and blame it on Janice.
• There's no such place down here as the Delray hotel in Miami. And never was. Delray Beach is a nearby city but that hotel doesn't exist.
• Tony is such a slob. Who gets a dozen crispy creme donuts (of which he knew Meadow would not be interested in). Walking around balancing a dozen donuts and eating them like that? And then talking while still chewing them down. Disgusting.
• In Meadow's bedroom, dorm room and in the halls in the dorm, you always see posters for a band, 'Scout'. Scout is actually the band 'Miami Relatives' who played at Crazy Horse (at least that cute singer is the same - those guys looked like they never picked up guitars in their life).
• Why doesn't Elliott recognize Tony in the garage? Didn't he claim to an expert on the local mob scene? He seems so interested in Melfi's patient yet he doesn't know what Tony looks like?
• Jason LaPenna made out with Sashkia?!
• The phone conference call with Junior is cringy. Junior eating olives while he's trying to talk and unable to understand a thing going on.
• Did John ever get to tax Ralphie? When he pulled back on his insistence he gets taken out, he should've reverted to $300k or whatever. No way he would've walked away from that.
• Ralph: You never made a joke about Ginny Sac?! Tony/Sil/Chris: NO! Not like that. They were JUST sharing jokes about her a few episodes earlier before Johnny walked in and were every bit as nasty.
• When that creepy guy named Chris at the Rhode Island house tries to explain how both the father and daughter have blindness. He whispers "chromosomes....runs in the family". I think he meant to say 'cataracts'. (Everyone has chromosomes and they have nothing to do with congenital blindness). That line even made one of those "Sopranos malapropisms" videos where they point out people making stupid mistakes when speaking. Plus, the guy definitely seemed 'special'.
• Carmela doesn't do much for me but I give credit when its due. She looks very pretty with the white cashmere sweater when she's looking up that pre-existing non-conforming structure law.
• AJ is such an annoying cockblock when Carmela drags him to Furio's those times.
• Just when you thought Ralphie couldn't be more disgusting, the banana hammock makes an appearance. A speedo, seriously?!
• Johnny catches Snacky-Chan sorting her Twix bars. Whenever Ginny's weight is brought up she somehow goes after Johnny's smoking.
• Gene Pentacorvo has a pretty hot girlfriend in the scene at Furio's housewarming. It's not the same woman that plays his wife later.
• Carmela is on cloud nine dancing with Furio. I actually like that scene.
• Janice-free episode.

And yes, they pay this chiacchierone by the word. I got a jet on 24-7 standby....
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This post will examine the relationship between Inge, Fred and Marius Botha. Marius was central to Fred’s trial, so his testimony and his relationship with both Inge and Fred are relevant.
Please note: Marius Botha was a suspect early on. Therefore, we feel it’s fair to speculate on his involvement. However, we will not tolerate any doxxing of Marius and his family. Any comments or posts violating this will be immediately removed.

Inge and Marius

Inge and Marius became good friends during their first year of studies in 2001 and shared the same friendship circle.
Inge often had her friends over her parents’ residence in Welgemoed. According to Marius: "Our group of friends often spent weekends at Inge's parents home. Auntie Juanita was like a mother to us all."
The Lotz family considered Marius a good family friend.
Although Marius and Inge never dated, Wimpie Boshoff told private investigators that Marius had written poems and a "metre-long letter" to Inge and that he had secretly been in love with her in their first year of University (2001).
In court, Wimpie said that many other first year students were also “in love with Inge". He said Marius wasn't in love with her the next year and had dated someone for two years.
Wimpie also testified that Inge told him that according to Marius, their friendship (Inge and Marius’) couldn't be the same if she and Fred had a serious relationship.

Marius and Fred

Fred joined Inge and Marius’ circle of friends in 2002.
Marius was a member of His People’s Church and had introduced Fred to it.
Marius had also studied Actuarial Science and like Fred, he had a bursary (scholarship) from Old Mutual, so he worked as an Assistant Actuary (in a different department from Fred and on a different floor in the building). In February 2005, Fred and Marius moved in together in an apartment in Anfield Village, a security complex very close to Old Mutual in Pinelands.
Before they started dating, both the Inge and Fred had approached Marius for his opinion on a possible relationship between them.
He initially thought that this was not a good idea, especially because he said that Inge had told him on occasion that she didn’t want to be involved in a serious relationship. However, he told them that if they did come to such a decision, he would support them in it.
In his 17th March interview, Fred told investigators that by the beginning of 2005, it was common knowledge within their friendship circle that his relationship with Inge was serious, and that Marius’ attitude towards Inge and Fred changed.
The tension increased, and Wimpie told Inge that friction developed between them, as Fred did not like some of Marius’ habits (eg: not washing the dishes).
Fred said it got so bad, that Marius organised a housewarming party without inviting him and Inge (note: as they lived together, how would Marius be successful in excluding Fred from the party?)
According to Marius this is a lie - he stated that about two weeks before the party he emailed invites to all his friends, and as they were a couple, Marius only sent the invite to Fred. According to Marius, Fred said they won’t be able to attend as he had to study for a test the following week.
When Inge later found out about the party she was extremely upset, and even contacted some of the friends who attended to ask if they had a problem with her.

Marius’ movements on 16th March 2005

Marius was on study leave on the 16th March to prepare for exams taking place that April. However, on the 15th March his manager called him to ask him to attend a meeting at the building the next day.
According to turnstile records, Marius arrived at Old Mutual on the 16th at 11:47 and left the building at 15:48.
His cell phone records show no activity between leaving at 15:48 and when Fred arrived at approximately 18:15 to their apartment.

Marius’ diary

Marius swapped vehicles with Fred, who only had a bakkie (pickup) that could only seat passengers in the front, in order for him to be able to drive with his parents and also moved out of the apartment so Fred’s parents could stay there.
He later found that someone had snooped on his belongings - including his diaries.
That is when specific references to a curse were found within his diary.
In his diary, he said: "Forgive me for cursing Fred and Inge."
Louis van der Vyver, Fred’s father, sent photocopies of the diary to Fred’s PIs, who in turn asked the police to execute a search warrant of the apartment so that the diary could be taken in legally.
The existence of this diary entry was leaked to the media, who started reporting on it. They also reported that other documents they had access to stated that Marius came from a "family with a long history of emotional dysfunction".
Apparently, Marius also stated that he "fears failure and rejection", feels "inferior" and is often "suspicious and bitter". He believed this could mean that a generations-old curse rested on him.
Police confirmed that these documents, as well as other writings by the friend, formed part of the investigation.
Marius testified in court that the diary entry resulted from filling in a Bible study guide during a weekend seminar of His People church at the beginning of 2005. The seminar focused on the emotional and physical healing of Christians and the Bible study guide was a journal in which the participants made personal notes during the course that was offered. One of the topics covered was different forms of curses. In the section on spoken curses, he made a note in terms of which he asked for forgiveness for the "curses" what he uttered about the Inge and Fred.
This referred to negative comments he made about them, for example the fact that he gossiped about their relationship and mentioned that it was not a good idea.

Marius refutes Fred’s statements

During Fred’s trial, Marius corroborated Juanita’s statements about Fred and her not being inside the Lotz residence when he arrived, and further stated that Fred had said to him that he and Juanita “had been trying to get hold of her since 3pm and were both very worried. He mentioned that he was afraid she had fainted".
However, Juantia had not been trying to get hold of Inge, and Fred had no contact with Inge between 13:36 when Inge had last texted him and 20:11 when Fred texted her.

Ernest storyline spoilers, obviously!
TL;DR Ernest's story has really touched my heart so far, I just had to let it.
There are definitely romanceable characters that get missed once Logan becomes an option. Competing with Owen and Fang is also a little bit of a struggle... so I've heard..
On my first playthrough, I found Ernest a little.. cheesy. I definitely didn't show him any interest and didn't go out of my way to interact with him.
On my second playthrough, I knew he was not going to be among my final marriage candidates, but I wanted to get a little more into his story. I am an aspiring writer (in real life!) and I hoped that he might be a bit like myself. I got to his romance mission with the poem and, again, it was a bit too much cheese for my taste. I went back to focusing on other bachelors and once again, Ernest fell through the cracks.
I am now on my third playthrough. Once again, I gave Ernest a chance, because at least I knew what to expect this time. But it turns out I didn't at all. His first personal mission, the housewarming party, hit me a little harder this time for some reason. It was relatable, not in that I usually have hired help to send my invitations for me and then have simply forgotten, but it reminded me of a time in my life when I didn't have a reliable friend group. For context: when I was younger, my friends always loved the huge parties I threw for them, but for my 25th birthday.... no one showed up and I was crushed. (Don't worry, that was 10 years ago haha I promise this is not a sad story anymore.) That said, I'm really not sure why, but this mission brought back a flood of those memories. It inspired me to work a little harder to get to know his character.
Then we came to the point where he is regularly sending passages from the book he is working on. Having shared my own writing with those close to me, I know the feeling is absolutely terrifying. These letters and the following conversation options had me a little anxious. I was just thinking about the time it takes for someone to read what you've written and respond. It is not a fun feeling. I know it's a game, ya'll, but I still just wanted to reassure this sweet boy that he was doing a good job.
Finally, Owen performed his reading of the beginning of Ernest's book and let me tell you.. I was white knuckling my steam deck during the reveal because, again, I know what criticism of something you poured your heart into feels like. I truly loved that mission, because it had such a warm, wonderful ending. He had already suffered at the hands of a harsh critic, and in my mind, Ernest so deserved that boost of confidence. That moment really hit me with a lot of happy feelings.
I breathed an actual sigh of relief and spent the next day in game treating Ernest to everything fun I could squeeze in. I gave him his favorite gifts, we played whac-a-mole, we set off fireworks, and he was treated to a huge feast and all the hugs and kisses I could give, so, you know, 3. I also may have forced him to follow me around while I did my chores. My bad, Ernest.
I went from finding his personality too saccharine to just a relatable, understandable sweetheart. I know this is not a unique experience: it is a game and this is a scripted story. Anyone who pursues Ernest will experience the same missions. It just felt, for a minute, like his story was written just for me. It was written so I would worry and fret over protecting him, only to feel real relief and gratitude. I still have quite a bit of game to go, but I am excited to take the time to get to know my poet even more along the way.
A few screenshots:
The classic, and yes he had to change out of his old hoodie for our day on the town/maybe running a few errands.
Again, very relatable character.
"It's cool, I'll protect us" (my obsession lately has been taking action shots, when I'm done with this playthrough I will share my collection!)
Bonus surprised Pikachu Rockyenaroll
Finally: thank you to the writers for giving your characters such depth and evoking real emotions. It's a really wonderful experience!

Recently there was a post on this subreddit made by my roommate, u/toonfinch. He has since taken it down. badroommates, now it's my turn to talk about my bad roommate.
Finch and I met on tumblr after some of my IRL friends encouraged me to connect with him because they were mutuals already. We were mutuals for a year before he started posting about how he was homeless. I was concerned and messaged him asking how I could help. That fateful DM ended in me living with the guy not 3 months after turning 18.
Finch did not move into the house until 2 weeks after our move in date because he was "afraid of our low-income neighborhood" He also happened to be staying with his friend's family who was making him food every day and had a fully furnished, nice guest room given to him for that time in a big house in a wealthy neighborhood. He had not yet started his new job. At this point in time, all of my friends were excited to meet and talk to him, especially the ones who knew him before I did. I also had a show coming up at a community theatre where I was playing the lead. I was friends with Finch at this point. I shared things with him and invited him to do things with me.
At this time, before Finch moved in, I found a stray puppy in the streets by our house. She took a liking to me immediately, but before I ever brought her home I asked Finch if I could keep her. I asked in the groupchat we had for the house. Finch said "Resounding yes" so I cleaned her up and brought her home.
ALSO before he moved in, I killed a bug in the house (it had ROACHES when we moved in). The bug I killed was a camel cricket. I said in the group chat "I gave him a warm welcome by killing him" and Finch had an hour long conversation with me about how jokes about killing bugs are not acceptable because "its a life".
Sometime during the run of the play I was in, Finch moved in. He spent his first night there completely silent to the point that my partner and I thought we were alone and later found out that he had been listening to everything we did and said. He had already called off work for his first day at this point because he was "too stressed"
The next day that he was supposed to go to work, while I was at my part time job (not to be confused with my other job that I do full-time), Finch told me that he hadn't been able to go to in because he was too scared of the neighborhood. (we live in a neighborhood where all the kids walk to school in the morning. 2nd and 3rd graders going to school by themselves and Finch couldn't do it)
AT THIS POINT IN TIME Finch already owed me something like 300 dollars for supplies for the house. Not even groceries, just regular stuff you need when you move in. Also at this point Finch was eating my groceries and buying weed for himself. Then he would tell me that he had no money.
Finch also told me that he couldn't bear the sound of my dog barking or her claws on the floor as she walked. He said it was stressing him out so much that it made him suicidal. I asked him why he agreed to me getting Maggie and he said it was because I asked him in a group chat. I said he should have Dm'd me if it was an issue and he flipped out and said I was being defensive and that my defensiveness is a "character flaw we need to work on" I had known him IRL for three weeks at this point and had about 5 real interactions with him.
At this point he'd been living there a week and I was already losing patience. He started talking about how much he hated my dog after learning how much money I spent on her vet fees and pet fee. He was saying things like "we don't have the money for a dog right now......."
I had to make it abundantly clear that his finances are not my finances and that when I say "I have 12 dollars" I mean I have 12 dollars to spend and much more in savings. When he says he has 12 dollars he is telling you his net worth.
His hate for my dog continued as time went on and his resentment for her grew. He seemed upset that I was spending money on her but not him. He said in his minecraft discord server that he's spent a lot of money running that he was having intrusive thoughts about hurting maggie and didn't feel comfortable being left alone with her. I have fears that he will hurt her. Especially knowing that he is a furry (nothing against them but there is some overlap) and he has an objectum fetish for a children's stuffed cat. This was discovered more recently.
Finch lost his job on the third shift he worked because he showed up late and hid in the bathroom. When he got out of the bathroom he got fired.
He then started posting about how if he got kicked out for not being able to pay rent, he'd kill himself. This was obviously very concerning seeing as there was no possible way for him to make rent. I had a talk with him where I tried to help him come up with a plan to make rent on time, and the conversation ended with me just giving in and agreeing to cover it.
From this time (december 13 or so) until the new year, finch was unemployed. He did not do housework. He did not do odd jobs. He did not sell any of his belongings. He just did not work. He donated plasma once and then said it was traumatic and was causing him to be suicidal and stopped.
Also, he didn't come see my show even though he was free and I offered to buy his ticket on three separate occasions. I also offered to give him a ride (he doesn't drive). That hurt my feelings. He said we were friends.
He finally got a temp job and I started taking him to work for 10 bucks a day instead of him taking a 26 dollar uber. He was still unable to make February rent and I told him that if he didn't pay up, I'd take him to court. At this point he started loudly sobbing in his room when he knew I was home. He had a hotspot that he changed the name of to "This is a cry for help" and then a cypher that I never bothered to crack. I told him I would go ahead and front him the money again.
He lost his temp job shortly after. He never explained why.
He recently got a part time job that he bikes to with a bike he was given for free. He informed me at this point that I am too much to handle and that my friends are too loud. Before he moved in I gave him ample warning that I am a loud theatre kid. I sing so much. I belt. I tap dance. His response? " Good. I am Deaf"
My brother in christ. You are having a panic attack over the sound of a dog WALKING.
He was also upset that me and my friends weren't learning ASL. I use ASL at work. He did not know this. Me and my best friend had been studying ASL for months before he showed up. How much ASL does Finch know? None.
He was also upset that I wasn't forcing all of my friends to wear N95 masks everywhere including in my home during hangouts. I have a group of about 5 core friends, all of whom I would not be close with if they were unvaccinated on account of COVID put me in the hospital on my literal deathbed a year ago. I told him that I don't control my friends and that if it means so much to him, he can ask and they will be more likely to say yes if he speaks for himself. He never asked them despite having easy access to communication with all of them.
In January I heard gunshots while home alone. I messaged in the group chat asking if I should call the police. My roommate said not to because " there are black people in the neighborhood" one of my friends asked what my neighbor's skin color has to do with investigating gunshot noises coming from the WHITE neighbors. Finch shut my friend down. My friend responded with horse emoji reacts. Imagine the meme of the horse saying "man :(" Thus begins my legacy.
a few days later, Finch's best friend made a joke telling someone to "kill themself for real" The horse emoji friend said "No jokes of suicide please" and Finch told him to shut up immediately. This friend had a family member recently succumb to depression and was making a genuine request. When Finch found out that that friend wasn't joking, he said that the friend should have dm'd him. The friend said that this was "a pattern of behavior that we to work on" because he is the funniest man alive.
Finch and his two friends left the server and gave me full ownership of it. It has since gotten much funnier.
Finch also cut off a four year friendship at this point because he was paranoid that the friend secretly hated him. In doing this, he made the friend actually hate him. Thereby reducing his circle again. At this point he had 3 IRL friends. Me, his best friend, and his best friend's boyfriend.
He and his friends started slandering me online and claiming that I am bad at taking care of disabled people because I told him that if he is too depressed to get up he should push through and get up anyway even if it is difficult. My full-time job is caretaking for the disabled (not to be confused with my part time job at a hospital). Claiming that I am bad at this is claiming that I am bad at my job, which I am not. Furthermore, finch is known for being bad at taking care of disabled people seeing as he nearly killed his old disabled roommate that he was meant to be taking care of. Said ex-roommate has spoken on this topic and has made an account to talk about their experience with finch. Here is their comment: https://www.reddit.com/usefinchsexroomate/comments/1b8rwah/my_comment_with_my_experience_as_his_roommate_in/?share_id=QU6-G3o_w2FxS4XJ0jNr0&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
On february 5th, I asked Finch to move out. I told him that I didn't think we were a good fit and that I was willing to leave the lease if he would consent to it. I also said that I would consent to him leaving the lease. He was amicable to this idea until he realized that he would not have money to live without me. see: financially dependent. He then changed his tune and started calling me names. I stopped responding to him for any reason except financial. I would only answer messages that pertained to the state of the house. He was messaging me saying that I was forcing him into homelessness.
I started writing my name on all the groceries to make it clear that he was not to eat them. He messaged me angrily about it and said that I was causing him to have no food to eat.
I locked the fridge when it became clear that he had no plans to move out. I was sick of his constant slander of me on the internet and his entitlement to my finances and items. I own the fridge. I don't feel like I have to share it with a leech 6 years my senior. This is when he said that I was less than a dog and blocked me. Woof.
I also started letting my friends put up whatever fun images they wanted. We had a blast putting up horse emojis and making cyphers. All of my friends participated and truly it was a joyous time.
He took down some of my horse images so I put about 20 more up and locked up my chairs after his friend started spamming me about how I am abusive for not sharing the fridge. Once again, I own all the furniture except what is in Finch's room. What is in Finch's room? A bed that I gifted him as a housewarming present. Locking the chairs and putting up more horses is what caused him to be so stressed that he had to get incredibly high and post on this subreddit claiming that I am bipolar and schizophrenic. Both of these claims are untrue and Finch knows it. However, he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is not taking his meds. I, on the other hand, have a therapist I see biweekly for anxiety. I had to do a psych eval in December of 2023 to get into the nursing program I am in. And I get regularly drug tested for both of the jobs I work and the program I am in.
So, reddit. That is my story of my bad roommate and why I put horses on the walls.
Link to more info: https://www.reddit.com/badroommates/comments/1b6zvlnew_post_because_comment_became_buried/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Link to images of original post: https://www.reddit.com/usefinchsexroomate/comments/1b8rnr5/the_original_post_from_rbadroommates/?share_id=cBo-L5NXS2_Wbgqjq58q8&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
TL;DR: I put up a bunch of horse emojis in my house because it bothers my roommate and I'm trying to get him to move out.
also LMK if you want reciepts for anything specific.
EDIT:TL;DR
Edit II: more links
Edit III: fixing a dead link

I’m doing my best to make this as cohesive as possible although there’s quite a bit of backstory so please bear with me!
One of my closest friends is a guy named “Rob” whom I’ve known for almost 15 years now.
I definitely would consider him to be one of my best friends. About five years ago he met Amanda, they moved in together and have been inseparable ever since even though they aren’t actually in a relationship.
At first I’m sure she didn’t like me at all so things were kinda awkward but eventually we ended up developing friendship over time and pretty soon I found myself spending more time with her than him.
She even introduced me to my current boyfriend, I genuinely felt like we had developed a genuine connection that was slow at first but was authentic as far as I was concerned.
So anyway, Well Rob and Amanda just moved into a new apartment. This morning I went over there to check it out and visit for a bit. I texted her the night before letting her know I was planning on coming by in the morning just so she wouldn’t be caught off guard. When I pulled up though, Rob told me the front door was unlocked and to just come inside but not to slam the door because she was still sleeping. It was around 730am so that didn’t seem out of the ordinary. I decided to text her to let her know I was waiting for her to wake up so we could hang.. She texted back immediately This was her exact response:
“Stop pretending like we're friends because we're not. You and Rob are friends and that's it..you come over for him and that's it...you don't call me or try to come over for me you come for him..and I'm not even mad about it. I'm just tired of the fake shit.dont come over for him but send me a petty ass text like that as if your intentions were to hang out with me because your actions show different. I'm not fucking stupid. “
I was taken aback and honestly super sad when I realized she felt that way, because her reality was soo far from MY reality and it made me bummed out to know that was how she felt about the situation when was over here feeling & viewing her so much differently.
I showed Rob what she said and he said not to worry about it, that she always does stuff like that for attention and “now I see the type of shit he has to deal with”.
I didn't want there to be any misunderstandings, so I went to her room to talk with her face to face, because I felt like that would be the only way to genuinely convey my authenticity instead of texting back and forth where things are too ambiguous.
But after I knocked on her door she said “I don’t want to talk right now” so I texted her and looking back I feel like I can admit I did go a little overboard because while yes, I did want to make sure she knew I had no intention of being shady and that I was actually under the impression she was going to be there until he told me otherwise, I realize I didn’t need to over explain myself because I actually DIDNT do anything wrong but in the moment I just wanted her to understand my intentions were so not the way she was portraying them to be.
It's extra hurtful because just a few days ago after getting into it with my boyfriend she was there for me. We talked on the phone for over an hour, she listened as I confided in her about my abandonment issues and anxious attachment style which I feel like she used against me, shutting down and behaving in the same manner my boyfriend was behaving when I complained to her. The last thing she said to me was to leave her alone, which I respected .
It's been a day now and I want to reach out but I'm not sure whether I would be wasting my time and honestly, my feelings are really hurt by it because I actually do consider her to be a friend. I had even brought her a housewarming present, a cute succulent inside of a ceramic llama (her favorite animal).
I don’t want things to just blow over and is never discuss it again , I genuinely want her to know how I feel but I feel like based on her responses so far she is just going to think I’m just telling her what she wants to hear and not take anything I say seriously, which sucks.
I was thinking about writing her a letter and leaving it on the porch along with the plant, that way she at least sees the effort and maybe will be more inclined to understand it was a misunderstanding?
Or is this whole thing just a lost cause and more drama than it’s worth?

I know this sounds ridiculous, I promise that if you bear with me, I will try to give you some background for this situation more nuanced than me being a complete clueless idiot. Also I'm sorry if this is barely coherent, my head is still spinning with flashbacks to our interactions that should have been clues if I knew that there was a reason to gather them. It all just feels so surreal, there's a part of me that's terrified of this suddenly strange man who isn't who he says he is and a part of me that feels ashamed for having such absurd suspicions about the love of my life.
But ok, if I try to express how confused I am, we'll be here all day and I promised you background: We met at my best friend's housewarming party, he was in the same post-graduate program as her now-husband, I didn't find him on Craigslist or something. Honestly, it hurts to go into details of how we hit it off and what attracted me to him, but let's just say he presented himself as a perfectly well-adjusted, thoughtful and gentle guy. I even fucking thought I 'vetted' him for being some right-wing nut, but him being from Czech republic made the usual 'points of contention' not really apply and I guess I was satisfied with his 'well-meaning' (looking back at it now) non-answers. And it's not like he called himself 'apolitical' or something, I know better than to go 'Oh, okay then' hearing that, I jotted him down as being, now get this, big on environmentalism, pro-choice and not fond of capitalism and that was good enough for me. Oh God, this feels like some grim joke.
Now I want to stress out that barring some things that are painfully obvious red flags in hindsight, like him being fluent in German that he learned 'to honor his heritage' or calling that old friend of mine who drinks too much and struggles in relationship a "degenerate", we've been a perfectly happy couple. Even when he was stressing over his work visa, he was only expressing concern how a negative outcome will affect me, which I thought was very sweet. I was foolish enough to consider our relationship 'tried and tested' because of that. As stupid as that sounds, we were just too busy being in love for the subject of politics to come up much and give him an opportunity to 'reveal' himself. Like I said, there are more situations that, when I look back at them, fall in place like pieces of the puzzle, like how he wants to "make money in America and retire early to some more quiet country" or how he got red in the face and shouted "Absolutely not!" when I told him our friends (the aforementioned couple) want to take us to a rap concert, but I interpreted that as him being just, you know, a bit old-school or square, not a raging racist. And there's the tattoo. He has a tattoo on his arm that's a writing in German in gothic lettering that I immediately asked him about and he said 'It means 'substance over style', it's an old Prussian saying' and I was still sketched out, but that's when he told me about his fondness for German culture, how he speaks the language and how much better Goethe is in the original form, so I let it go. The reason why this post is called 'My boyfriend is a nazi' and not 'Is my boyfriend a nazi'? is that I just found out that this 'old Prussian saying' is a motto of a nazi student organization and appears in the exact same lettering. I googled this properly because he was making some really concerning remarks on the subject of the crisis in Gaza and the war in Ukraine that I won't repeat here, which I guess was his mask finally slipping.
I have no idea what to do now. Obviously becoming a nazi wife is not an option, but it just feels like a message came down from the sky telling me to destroy a life I was perfectly happy with just a month ago and I just don't know how to go about it. Thankfully we each rent our own apartment and I already texted him that I'm overloaded with work and won't be coming to his place like I usually do (that may be actually the first lie I ever consciously told him), but I can't see myself moving past this without having some sort of confrontation and I don't even know how to imagine it.
tl;dr: My boyfriend didn't consider it necessary to inform me that he's a full-blown nazi before I started building my life with him and I'm not entirely sure how to confront him over it.

This is gonna be a really long story's, I might need two part to explain it it felt like I can even start to write a book of this and hope everyone who read this can advice me or give me your perspective on this one.i actually do not know which community I should post this...since I have a crush on my bestie who are the same gender as mine, my entire life ( since I dated) I see myself straight never dated a girl but I do hv so many close friend they are all girls, boys as well.
Am I touchy person ? yes! I would say my love language are physical touch
Have I kissed a girl ?when I was drunk yes but like cheeks.
I hope my bestie doesn't have account on reddit even though I already confessed to her and I valued the friendship we have of course I was so scared and didn't know if my feeling was romantic because I didn't have sexual attraction to her but more like emotion attracted to her ( strongly) . now I have to moved on and I tries to let the feelings sink. love her as before.
she said is okay to tell her that these feelings and is okay to have feeling for her but she said her perspective will not change is that she see me as a little sister which I started questioning because if that's the case I felt so confused the words she used and her behavior to me and that if I really overlook all the things between us and maybe yes but I don't want anything from her because I knew that I was the only one we developed the feelings and she definitely not reciprocated the same way.
Before I get stared, Here's my background , I'm 24F was born in korea and rasied in states I have one older sisters and my families are more like westernized Korean ( we are all very open mined ofc) so we don't really have asian influence of sexuality or whatsoever and really supportive .
my bestie she's 27F raised in Spain but she was born in Latin counties , she have siblings as well a younger brother , we knew each other one years now and she's very expressive, physical interact kind of person literally maybe to everyone she feels comfortable with.
I have a different group of region of friends, mostly European and Americans, so why I'm saying all these because maybe the whole things was started me get confused of the cultural differences but we never talked our sexuality like saying I'm straight sth like this but when first met she did asked if I have a boyfriend or girlfriend but this is normal to ask nowadays to anyone.
Question is How I met my bestie? You know is funny everyone had been asking me you guys just knew each other for like one year and you called best friends? I just knew we clicked when we first met each other a bit awkward ofc but in general we shared like almost same background, same interest we both like galleries, museum etc , like we just get along with, I remembered I saw her on bumble and I was like okay let me just text her and see what happen because it is not easy to meet friend and I was kinda afraid I was bother her by sending her text because maybe she wouldn't reply . Eventually she did, and I asked her lets hangout grab dinner sth like that . The first time I met her I already felt comfortable to hung out with her. hahahah we actually met through the app Bumble bff, we both used it because we are working in Asia now, moved to a new counties that we don't know anyone where we left our friends, families behind and before I moved I broke up with my boyfriend that we dated for one year and half I was in love with him but we both came stand for long distance so we ended the relationship for like 6months and I was still recover from that when I moved to a new counties. My bestie was also broke up with her 5 years boyfriend also with the same reason but when I asked the story of her and her ex, she see herself marry him because she was also in love with him, they both were and she said they shared deep love together and those 5 years they actually were in a long distance relationship till now she still recover from her break up and I kinda over my ex already.
we both were dating guys , seeing guys hooked up with guys but none of them work out to me and to her as well.at least, I was really just dating guys and I did developed feelings to some of my situationship but yep all these boys and mens are emotional unavailable.
Because she's latin and also she was in a program so basically she met some Spanish and I met them on the first day when we hungout until now I also became their friends as well. I'm kinda grateful with that although I do not know how to communicate in Spanish hahahaha but yeah I already get used to it like wwhat? A year now, so Im like, Si sisisi.After that, I asked my bestie like grab dinner afterwork, went to see galleries together but mostly I'm like an active person and always make plan with her.
I remembered there's a time I was asking her to go grab a nice dinner tgt , she said I always think that we are on a date when we had plan tgt. At that moment, I wasn't thinking if she joking or meaning 'friend date' or 'date'.and we just like any other best friends we would telling each other I miss you, I love you but she tend to say that a lot to me or maybe to other friend as well I guess but I guess is different kind of love language and we would also hold hands like fingers interlocked when we walk or in the car.
The first 5months we actually do not live together, she was shared an apartment with one of the girl in the friends group, me and my bestie and her roommate three of us went to Korea together like 3 months after we knew each other but I already knew they were not get along with each other because my bestie always telling me the issues, we just comfortable to talk literally anything we both trust each others. we hangout literally every weekends when we do not have any date hhaha, we always go grab dinner outside just two of us before we go nights out with our frds, make group plan , went through a lot things tgt, went through drama in the friend group, life in general and went a lot of trip together travel around the Asia.We enjoyed each other presence, we vibe well. I always admit that I even made better plan than every guy I had dated or she had dated, she agreed on that too and she always said that we do look like an couple.... you know I didn't know if she just said it as a joke or she did felt like that.
She cared about me and I admit I care for her deeply , I noticed every little details of her, I did a lot of things for her but I'm not explaining all of the things. I remember she was drunk at a party because she still missed her ex and she was also dated a guys who turns out a toxic, creepy guy who threaten her. I was also already tipsy but I couldn't see her at the party I was a bit worried because I knew she drank a lot and she doesn't like to drink alcohol even back in Spain as well. so I tried to look for her and she ended up in the toilet where our frds she was taking care of her.The next day , I woke up earlier even I had a hungover I checked up on her but I guess she still sleeping that day I was planning to comedy to her place just make sure she's okay like mentally and physically. I went to get her pack of comfort snacks, food for her hungover at least this is what I can for her to make her feel better. we actually be there for each other, see each other in worse condition like getting super drunk most of the time is me get drunk often when I had a hard time.
After a lot of things, i'd say we knew each other for like half years, we became like really super close to each other.
I started to look for another new apartment for myself, i preferred live alone at that time and she crashed to my place after a week I moved and I hosted a housewarming because I asked her to comeover for dinner. I used to go to her apartment to cook or she cook for me. is just something we do afterwork. So I said we should do a sleepover, cook and watch movie something low key but we can just chill and talk and she said yes we can do that so then she did after that she came often and not just stay for one day and it became she stayed for the weekends and next day we went to work together( we do not work at the same company).
Because I had a one bed and one big bedroom, so we of course share a bed together and first time when she came to my place we didn't cuddle then I don't remember but we just cuddle each other to sleep. like we hold hands while sleeping then when we woke up we still holding hands.
Our close friend from the group knew that she sleepover to my place and they were thinking if she already moved with me, and they knew I had one bed they always joking we are lesbian because she sleep together in one bed and I didn't tell them that we cuddle but my bestie she told them we cuddle , our friends they are also Spanish said like they don't do that with their frds (they are girls), and said they sometimes see us as more than a friend and I asked but how come they said we did things normally friends don't do. I also remembered I was asking one of our close frd 'why you think me and my bestie are more than a friend you do not mean that right? ' and she said of course we are joking about you guys like an lesbian so a lot of time I think they were just joking. At that time, I just took this as a joke I didn't really mind because I also have close relationship with some other friends back in states and Korea as well but yep I can say me and my bestie who I confessed with are lot different kind of friendship that I have before and I think me and my bestie we are platonic friendship, we see each other as friends and sister as well. She one times said she see me as a little sister and I see her as my big sister. Well guess who are stupid and selfish that developed the platonic love into romantic love and I didn't noticed that.
because I also get used her in my apartment and every time she back to her place I felt sad and I miss her and it got me thinking like the idea of she move in to my place because her and her roommate issues were seriously getting worse and made her overwhelmed so I decided to asked her' what if we live together?' we started to talk on this topic , she said that she felt so comfortable like in my place because it also felt like we live together we get along well because we knew each other well and when we get off work we went home and cook, watch Netflix , movies. she said that it felt like home with me and the idea of living together she okay with it as well but she also paid her apartment as well she just can't like live here but she also think she was using all the stuff in my apartment without paying the rent ( she is a easy anxious person) so I said lets decided for a week like distance each other to see if just because we spend so much time together and make us had this impulsive thinking because living together is a huge deal .Then we both decided we should move together, she move her stuff little by little, like she stay in my apartment then once my contact end ( at that time still have 3 months left) so we find other apartment with two rooms because she said I used to my own space and of course she need that as well but for her not in rush to find another apartment because she do like my apartment.
after a month of she moved in to my place, she feel like to travel somewhere in Asia for the weekend like two of us since we always do a trip with our group of friends but never just me and her and asked me if I would like to go because I never been that place and I said yes,of course then we brought the flight like before one week we go there and yes we had a best time together.This were the moment our friends , friends in common , strangers and her entire families, her mom,her brother, her group of best friends back in her hometown thinking and asking her that if we are dating like I'm her girlfriend because she posted a post on social media a pictures of us went on a trip, we also shared one bed in the hotel and there's a pictures she posted where we hold hands in bed ( the fingers interlocked), the caption was ' The universes has brought us together and I couldn't be more grateful.', is cute right? and I do grateful that I met her.tell me if this is normal, at least now that I think of even other friends from mine they thinking it was weird she posted that pictures on the post because they also think is really more than just a friend...
is just.. I didn't even knew she took that pictures because I was sleeping and I knew when she posted and also because after that she planning back home for a month and I also have like a two weeks vacations so I also decided to go to Europe like to her hometown so her families knew I would stay with them and I stayed at her place ,before go to Spain I already met her families through FaceTime, met her brother when he traveling in Asia...You guys must be wondering so since when you noticed you like her , you developed feeling? umm I haven't get there yet.. I know but above all I have said I guess I can tell I'm in confused of us before but I just think we only share a platonic friendship.
at least I talked with other friends from mine they all saying it was weird she posted that pictures on the post because they also think is really more than just a friend...like I didn't even knew she took that pictures because I was sleeping and I knew when I woke up checked the phone at the hotel she mentioned me in the post she was already woke up and next to me..is funny how I remembered everything but actually me and my bestie I'm always the one who remembered all the details and she is like Nemo with short-term memories.
In September right before I fly to her hometown, some issues I have with my landlord and can't be solved and my bestie already flew back to Europe to see her families and I was also been sick before I went to Europe ,I just couldn't stand my landlord basically by the time we both got back because we stayed for like a month and it is gonna take awhile to look for apartment ( I remembered her said last time she stressed out to look an apartment )and so I decided to look for an apartment with two bedrooms with a reasonable price, moving within a week before I go and eventually I did and paid all the deposit and the rent , get new furnitures , managed to moved all the stuff and once kinda settle all things,I told her afterwards I didn't even ask her to share the deposit that I knew she was already spent quite a money for seeing her families and some other financial things because she is that kind of person who would blame herself that she unable to help and easily stressed out when I told my friends about this before and even now they all thought this is something beyond a friendship.I don't know it just if I can do something , I would just do it doesn't matter how hard it is gonna be as soon as she feel comfortable, not stressed out because she's have her own shit to deal with...yeah I know I'm like crazy.
After a month since we got back from Europe seperately two weeks after that we all go on a trip with our friends again,i think this is where I started get confused sometimes.because I was traveling in UK and at this time we both didn't really date anyone ever since we back , I mean I went on a perfect date in London with a guy I thought he is really my 'dream type'turns out to be an asshole as well.
This is the time where I started get a bit confused , I had a mental breakdown because i received a bad news of my families when I was at our close friends apartment having dinner it was the day before we go to the airport , I still decided to go anyway but I changed the flight so I didn't go with same flight with my bestie and our friends in the early morning. That day we all need to go to our friend party, during the dinner I didn't even eat much so I ended up getting super drunk and of course I puked. like I didn't stop drinking at the party,and i dont know at some point our friends were joking that me and my bestie are girlfriend...and around mid-night, people leaving and some of the friends planning to hit the club and I was drunk and sad so I was really wanted to go but then one of my close friend stopped me and my bestie was also saying ' apparently you are my girlfriend so you and I need to go home now, you are not going to the club.' I remembered I was like but why just let me go then she grab me and we wait for uber.
I didn't quite remembered what exactly I said but I did said 'why I'm your girlfriend they think we are girlfriends huh?. she said 'yes, you are my girlfriend apparently people think that. I was drunk talking and said 'hahaha they must be think we are lesbian, you are lesbian now. she said ' well, I don't know I mean you never know.' and I think I was also saying something I couldn't even remembered after that, she helped me get back home she left earlier to the airport and I woke up super hungover and still make it to the flight but all I felt was so awkward like I knew somehow I said something to my bestie when I was drunk and as soon as I arrived and I apologized to her about me being such a mess also asked her if I said something to her while I as drunk because I felt overwhelmed and awkward . She said 'not at all actually but you were being bit mean but in general you were just drunk.' so I was like okay so I guess she just probably didn't really take it serious about what I said.Moreover, the next day we went to island hoping paid for a day tour so a lot of time we had to stayed in the ferry and the whole trip it was me ,my bestie and our friend. My bestie and I always sitting beside with each other she was next to me and because it took a while to the island from pier so she slept a bit and I remembered I was looking at her sleeping like a baby and thinking how can she sleep like that but still look pretty... I know right,..as soon as I realized I had this thought in my head I was like wooohh nonono what am I thinking.. so on we arrived to the island and we went down to the water, started the tour and we did kayaking, when we back to the ferry and sat down our friend was talking to some other tourist next to us. I was looking at my friend and the people she talked with . and I don't know at somehow I decided to look at my bestie and all I saw was she was already looking at me and that moment I just can felt the tension between us ( but is like not sexual ? but for me it felt like if we don't stop looking at each other we can kiss?? like wtf????she looked at me and I look at her.....and I had to said' what?" she said 'nothing....(she smiled I swear my heart was melt )haha you should really learn how to swim..' my mind was like shy and I don't know because this is not really the first time we caught each other with the eye contact and we will just not say anything..and I feel like she know what I'm thinking every time when she look at me and I caught her staring me ...but the tension is normal sometime but also weird like I feel attracted ? I don't usually look at my close friend that much but for my bestie I sometime just look at her while she might be looking somewhere or doing other things.. ...... I seriously don't know if anyone of you guys would have these kind of eye contact moment or catch your friend look at you...
I seriously have so many question and is like I'm the one being delusional ......right?
I will have part two to explain more and how did it go with my confession to my bestie

TL;DR in bold
A close friend (24M) has disappointed and hurt me (30M) a few times now:

• He forgot/didn't follow through on plans that he himself came up with a few times now.
• He lied to me about something I spent hours giving him advice on (after he came to me for advice)
• He forgot about my birthday, despite talking up big game twice ("Just you wait - when your birthday comes, I'll impress you!").

We've had a few talks over this already, so he knows how I feel.
Today, he dropped off a surprise gift of scented body wash. He apologized for not being very responsive these days (historically one of our issues) and apologized that it's now too late for my birthday (since it's been a month), so it's a housewarming gift instead. He included a tiny handwritten card and sealed it with something he bought during our last hangout.
The body wash is not really my thing. He loves this brand, but I'm not into this brand or scented products in general, which I've mentioned a few times now (we've talked about handsoap, lotions, deodorant). I'm ok with this scent, but I feel his gift to me shows he doesn't listen and that he doesn't really know me after all.
I also feel hurt knowing that the only gift I ever received from him cost $100 but my gift to him was $400 from his favorite brand (which he knows, plus I've given him other gifts since then). He's complained before that he's gifted 2 others $300 each and it hurt him when they split $150 to gift him back, so this felt ironic. I feel shallow talking about money; it's not really about $ but the gift as a whole reflects how I feel undervalued as a friend.
When we talked about him forgetting about my birthday, I mentioned that what I was really looking forward to (but never got) was the letter he said he would write me (we joked about how he had 3 months to write mine). The card that came with the gift today had a few sentences of appreciation, but it was understandably quite short given how tiny the card is. I also told him before that what I want from him is quality time and following through, not material gifts. He cancelled plans again last week, and although I was understanding about it, we have yet to make any new plans even though he has said he would get back to me.
I thanked him for the gift anyway. To his credit, I knew for weeks now that he was going to be very busy this past weekend, and yet he bought the gift last Saturday, which shows he is putting in extra effort. As usual, he meant well, but the gift still tapped into some of my resentment.
If they ask me about the gift, would I be the ungrateful asshole if I told them the truth?

This is fresh. And Im certain that there are many other posts made about this but I guess maybe writing it out and hearing some advice from strangers may help.
The woman I have been with for a year just left me. I will refer to her as Kayla.
Kayla and I met one year ago, a year ago to the day we split actually. I met Kayla at a drag show at our local brewpub that I frequent. We locked eyes when she first walked in, and for the first time in my 32 year old life, I fell in love on the spot. She sat at a table next to me, and all night we kept looking at each other. A friend of mine kept bugging me to talk to her, but I was shy, couldnt get the nerves. He said if I didnt talk to her, then he would. So he did, and Kayla kept bringing me into the conversation. By the end of the night, we finally were talking. I asked her to go dancing with me at the local dive bar, and she happily agreed. We danced, laughed, kissed, and I could tell there was a huge spark. That same night, Kayla told me "I need to tell you something. I actually have a boyfriend, we have been together 10 years but I am so unhappy and want to end it". I told her lets just have fun. One thing lead to another, we ended up at my place, things happened, but we stayed up until 5am chatting. Instant. Spark. This went against my own morals but I could feel something so special.
We kept in contact constantly, seeing each other when we could. Kayla wasnt in a healthy relationship, and was struggling to leave. It was a dirty secret, but we were both at our happiest. A few months in, I began to realize she was hesitating on leaving her boyfriend, so I distanced and dated someone else for a couple months. Kayla tried contacting me constantly but I wanted to leave distance.
Things didnt work out with me and the new girl, and like clockwork Kayla came back into my life. She came to my new apartment, we picked up where we left off and all was good. She woodburns as a hobby and made me a beautiful serving board with my favorite saying on it as a housewarming gift.
A month or so after rekindling, her father was diagnosed with cancer. She wasnt close with him, but this lead to her being for him constantly. Kayla is a major empath, and cares for others deeply. All while this is going on, her boyfriend is refusing to be with her at the hospital, to help her in any way. She didnt feel right with me coming into the hospital, but i woule deliver food and supplies to her and spend time with her when she needed a shoulder.
A month and a bit after her dads diagnosis, he grew worse and passed. Low and behold the day before the passing, was the day she finally split with him. The poor girls life had flipped. I was there for her and would hold her and cry with her. I cried for the first time in probably 4 years when I saw her face that day. She didnt want me around much with the family at first since her family was close and liked her ex. Totally fine. Its a weird situation. I was invited to the tail end of the funeral celebration, and met some of her family, who I hit it off with and they all told her how much they like me and could tell I was in love with her.
Time passes, more adventures, we finally admit we love each other. Talks of a future with marriage, kids, how we were the one for each other. I began seeing some of her family more, and things felt normal. Finally she got her own first apartment, and our relationship started. She even asked if one day when we would want to move in together, would we take her place or mine.
Fast foward this past November, I could tell she was starting to act off. Needless to say she came out that shes feeling overwhelmed, needed space and wasnt sure if she was ready for this anymore. She didnt want to resent me by forcing it. I told her I completely understand, and would allow her space. It wasnt a month later before we were reconnecting, going over. Eventually she says we are full on again. I asked her if this was ok for her, and she said she loved me and yes its great.
Things still werent the same. It was.. but not. I chalked it up to her internal struggles. But it wasnt the same. Christmas passes, i spent it back in my home province, her in the province we now live. In January, I was to go to trade school for 2 months. I felt so hesitant about it but she assured me it was good.
Id see her everyday I could after school, at her request. I noticed over the last few weeks as we got into February, that she was colder and not the same.
Finally after asking many times if she was ok, and getting no solid answer in return, one morning I woke up and went home. I texted her and stated something is off again. She came out and told me she feels trapped and stuck. That she wanted to wait until I was done school to tell me but she just didnt feel she wanted a relationship right now.
I was devistated but tried to understand. I told her once again I would gather my things and take space. After reaching out back and forth we had a coffee this past Saturday. My friends all said it sounded like she was regretting it by how she was texting, so I poured my heart out and explained that if she needs space I can give that but since things were always so good, we can do it as a partner and I feared her feelings of grief were pushing me away.
Then she said it. She told me she didnt feel the same about me anymore, and she wants to date other people but doesn't want to be with anyone right now. She told me how her best friend asked her on a double date (while we were together), but she couldnt go because it would disrespect me and the guy on the date. I was crushed. I have left out a lot of the amazing things in trying to keep the novel down. Anyway. We have had a sour back and fourth the last couple days. I was so hung up on how she could say she wouldnt want to disrespect the other guy on the date, and actually wanted to go, but at the same time is telling me she doesnt want to be with anyone right now. Its contradictory. I get it. She said she is now 27 and really never had the chance to date and is missing out on that part of her life. She went from a 10 year relationship into me. I absolutely see that and think its important.
I guess for me, she still wants me in her life, and honestly I love her so much that I want to be there in any capacity so I just dont lose her. I think a part of me has hope she will have her flings and come back to me.
What would anyone else do? Im trying to hold strong and be patient because i want to support her, but the thought of another guy being with her is destroying me inside. I told her tonight how its ok, and I will always be there when and if she wants me, and I want to be her best friend. But how does one do that. A part of me wants to see if I can suffer it just in hope. Writing and reading this I know it sounds stupid. But I think I have lost my train of rational thought and want some advice from people who know neither of us. What do you recommend I do here, is this worth it, and what steps do I take based on your suggestion? I really appreciate those who take the time to read and respond. Again, i think I am overcome with emotions so I dont know if what I think I want to do is right or acting irrationally.

This is fresh. And Im certain that there are many other posts made about this but I guess maybe writing it out and hearing some advice from strangers may help.
The woman I have been with for a year just left me. I will refer to her as Kayla.
Kayla and I met one year ago, a year ago to the day we split actually. I met Kayla at a drag show at our local brewpub that I frequent. We locked eyes when she first walked in, and for the first time in my 32 year old life, I fell in love on the spot. She sat at a table next to me, and all night we kept looking at each other. A friend of mine kept bugging me to talk to her, but I was shy, couldnt get the nerves. He said if I didnt talk to her, then he would. So he did, and Kayla kept bringing me into the conversation. By the end of the night, we finally were talking. I asked her to go dancing with me at the local dive bar, and she happily agreed. We danced, laughed, kissed, and I could tell there was a huge spark. That same night, Kayla told me "I need to tell you something. I actually have a boyfriend, we have been together 10 years but I am so unhappy and want to end it". I told her lets just have fun. One thing lead to another, we ended up at my place, things happened, but we stayed up until 5am chatting. Instant. Spark. This went against my own morals but I could feel something so special.
We kept in contact constantly, seeing each other when we could. Kayla wasnt in a healthy relationship, and was struggling to leave. It was a dirty secret, but we were both at our happiest. A few months in, I began to realize she was hesitating on leaving her boyfriend, so I distanced and dated someone else for a couple months. Kayla tried contacting me constantly but I wanted to leave distance.
Things didnt work out with me and the new girl, and like clockwork Kayla came back into my life. She came to my new apartment, we picked up where we left off and all was good. She woodburns as a hobby and made me a beautiful serving board with my favorite saying on it as a housewarming gift.
A month or so after rekindling, her father was diagnosed with cancer. She wasnt close with him, but this lead to her being for him constantly. Kayla is a major empath, and cares for others deeply. All while this is going on, her boyfriend is refusing to be with her at the hospital, to help her in any way. She didnt feel right with me coming into the hospital, but i woule deliver food and supplies to her and spend time with her when she needed a shoulder.
A month and a bit after her dads diagnosis, he grew worse and passed. Low and behold the day before the passing, was the day she finally split with him. The poor girls life had flipped. I was there for her and would hold her and cry with her. I cried for the first time in probably 4 years when I saw her face that day. She didnt want me around much with the family at first since her family was close and liked her ex. Totally fine. Its a weird situation. I was invited to the tail end of the funeral celebration, and met some of her family, who I hit it off with and they all told her how much they like me and could tell I was in love with her.
Time passes, more adventures, we finally admit we love each other. Talks of a future with marriage, kids, how we were the one for each other. I began seeing some of her family more, and things felt normal. Finally she got her own first apartment, and our relationship started. She even asked if one day when we would want to move in together, would we take her place or mine.
Fast foward this past November, I could tell she was starting to act off. Needless to say she came out that shes feeling overwhelmed, needed space and wasnt sure if she was ready for this anymore. She didnt want to resent me by forcing it. I told her I completely understand, and would allow her space. It wasnt a month later before we were reconnecting, going over. Eventually she says we are full on again. I asked her if this was ok for her, and she said she loved me and yes its great.
Things still werent the same. It was.. but not. I chalked it up to her internal struggles. But it wasnt the same. Christmas passes, i spent it back in my home province, her in the province we now live. In January, I was to go to trade school for 2 months. I felt so hesitant about it but she assured me it was good.
Id see her everyday I could after school, at her request. I noticed over the last few weeks as we got into February, that she was colder and not the same.
Finally after asking many times if she was ok, and getting no solid answer in return, one morning I woke up and went home. I texted her and stated something is off again. She came out and told me she feels trapped and stuck. That she wanted to wait until I was done school to tell me but she just didnt feel she wanted a relationship right now.
I was devistated but tried to understand. I told her once again I would gather my things and take space. After reaching out back and forth we had a coffee this past Saturday. My friends all said it sounded like she was regretting it by how she was texting, so I poured my heart out and explained that if she needs space I can give that but since things were always so good, we can do it as a partner and I feared her feelings of grief were pushing me away.
Then she said it. She told me she didnt feel the same about me anymore, and she wants to date other people but doesn't want to be with anyone right now. She told me how her best friend asked her on a double date (while we were together), but she couldnt go because it would disrespect me and the guy on the date. I was crushed. I have left out a lot of the amazing things in trying to keep the novel down. Anyway. We have had a sour back and fourth the last couple days. I was so hung up on how she could say she wouldnt want to disrespect the other guy on the date, and actually wanted to go, but at the same time is telling me she doesnt want to be with anyone right now. Its contradictory. I get it. She said she is now 27 and really never had the chance to date and is missing out on that part of her life. She went from a 10 year relationship into me. I absolutely see that and think its important.
I guess for me, she still wants me in her life, and honestly I love her so much that I want to be there in any capacity so I just dont lose her. I think a part of me has hope she will have her flings and come back to me.
What would anyone else do? Im trying to hold strong and be patient because i want to support her, but the thought of another guy being with her is destroying me inside. I told her tonight how its ok, and I will always be there when and if she wants me, and I want to be her best friend. But how does one do that. A part of me wants to see if I can suffer it just in hope. Writing and reading this I know it sounds stupid. But I think I have lost my train of rational thought and want some advice from people who know neither of us. What do you recommend I do here, is this worth it, and what steps do I take based on your suggestion? I really appreciate those who take the time to read and respond. Again, i think I am overcome with emotions so I dont know if what I think I want to do is right or acting irrationally.

This is gonna be a really long story's, I might need two part to explain it it felt like I can even start to write a book of this and hope everyone who read this can advice me or give me your perspective on this one.i actually do not know which community I should post this...since I have a crush on my bestie who are the same gender as mine, my entire life ( since I dated) I see myself straight never dated a girl but I do hv so many close friend they are all girls, boys as well.
Am I touchy person ? yes! I would say my love language are physical touch
Have I kissed a girl ?when I was drunk yes but like cheeks.
I hope my bestie doesn't have account on reddit even though I already confessed to her and I valued the friendship we have of course I was so scared and didn't know if my feeling was romantic because I didn't have sexual attraction to her but more like emotion attracted to her ( strongly) . now I have to moved on and I tries to let the feelings sink. love her as before.
she said is okay to tell her that these feelings and is okay to have feeling for her but she said her perspective will not change is that she see me as a little sister which I started questioning because if that's the case I felt so confused the words she used and her behavior to me and that if I really overlook all the things between us and maybe yes but I don't want anything from her because I knew that I was the only one we developed the feelings and she definitely not reciprocated the same way.
Before I get stared, Here's my background , I'm 24F was born in korea and rasied in states I have one older sisters and my families are more like westernized Korean ( we are all very open mined ofc) so we don't really have asian influence of sexuality or whatsoever and really supportive .
my bestie she's 27F raised in Spain but she was born in Latin counties , she have siblings as well a younger brother , we knew each other one years now and she's very expressive, physical interact kind of person literally maybe to everyone she feels comfortable with.
I have a different group of region of friends, mostly European and Americans, so why I'm saying all these because maybe the whole things was started me get confused of the cultural differences but we never talked our sexuality like saying I'm straight sth like this but when first met she did asked if I have a boyfriend or girlfriend but this is normal to ask nowadays to anyone.
Question is How I met my bestie? You know is funny everyone had been asking me you guys just knew each other for like one year and you called best friends? I just knew we clicked when we first met each other a bit awkward ofc but in general we shared like almost same background, same interest we both like galleries, museum etc , like we just get along with, I remembered I saw her on bumble and I was like okay let me just text her and see what happen because it is not easy to meet friend and I was kinda afraid I was bother her by sending her text because maybe she wouldn't reply . Eventually she did, and I asked her lets hangout grab dinner sth like that . The first time I met her I already felt comfortable to hung out with her. hahahah we actually met through the app Bumble bff, we both used it because we are working in Asia now, moved to a new counties that we don't know anyone where we left our friends, families behind and before I moved I broke up with my boyfriend that we dated for one year and half I was in love with him but we both came stand for long distance so we ended the relationship for like 6months and I was still recover from that when I moved to a new counties. My bestie was also broke up with her 5 years boyfriend also with the same reason but when I asked the story of her and her ex, she see herself marry him because she was also in love with him, they both were and she said they shared deep love together and those 5 years they actually were in a long distance relationship till now she still recover from her break up and I kinda over my ex already.
we both were dating guys , seeing guys hooked up with guys but none of them work out to me and to her as well.at least, I was really just dating guys and I did developed feelings to some of my situationship but yep all these boys and mens are emotional unavailable.
Because she's latin and also she was in a program so basically she met some Spanish and I met them on the first day when we hungout until now I also became their friends as well. I'm kinda grateful with that although I do not know how to communicate in Spanish hahahaha but yeah I already get used to it like wwhat? A year now, so Im like, Si sisisi.After that, I asked my bestie like grab dinner afterwork, went to see galleries together but mostly I'm like an active person and always make plan with her.
I remembered there's a time I was asking her to go grab a nice dinner tgt , she said I always think that we are on a date when we had plan tgt. At that moment, I wasn't thinking if she joking or meaning 'friend date' or 'date'.and we just like any other best friends we would telling each other I miss you, I love you but she tend to say that a lot to me or maybe to other friend as well I guess but I guess is different kind of love language and we would also hold hands like fingers interlocked when we walk or in the car.
The first 5months we actually do not live together, she was shared an apartment with one of the girl in the friends group, me and my bestie and her roommate three of us went to Korea together like 3 months after we knew each other but I already knew they were not get along with each other because my bestie always telling me the issues, we just comfortable to talk literally anything we both trust each others. we hangout literally every weekends when we do not have any date hhaha, we always go grab dinner outside just two of us before we go nights out with our frds, make group plan , went through a lot things tgt, went through drama in the friend group, life in general and went a lot of trip together travel around the Asia.We enjoyed each other presence, we vibe well. I always admit that I even made better plan than every guy I had dated or she had dated, she agreed on that too and she always said that we do look like an couple.... you know I didn't know if she just said it as a joke or she did felt like that.
She cared about me and I admit I care for her deeply , I noticed every little details of her, I did a lot of things for her but I'm not explaining all of the things. I remember she was drunk at a party because she still missed her ex and she was also dated a guys who turns out a toxic, creepy guy who threaten her. I was also already tipsy but I couldn't see her at the party I was a bit worried because I knew she drank a lot and she doesn't like to drink alcohol even back in Spain as well. so I tried to look for her and she ended up in the toilet where our frds she was taking care of her.The next day , I woke up earlier even I had a hungover I checked up on her but I guess she still sleeping that day I was planning to comedy to her place just make sure she's okay like mentally and physically. I went to get her pack of comfort snacks, food for her hungover at least this is what I can for her to make her feel better. we actually be there for each other, see each other in worse condition like getting super drunk most of the time is me get drunk often when I had a hard time.
After a lot of things, i'd say we knew each other for like half years, we became like really super close to each other.
I started to look for another new apartment for myself, i preferred live alone at that time and she crashed to my place after a week I moved and I hosted a housewarming because I asked her to comeover for dinner. I used to go to her apartment to cook or she cook for me. is just something we do afterwork. So I said we should do a sleepover, cook and watch movie something low key but we can just chill and talk and she said yes we can do that so then she did after that she came often and not just stay for one day and it became she stayed for the weekends and next day we went to work together( we do not work at the same company).
Because I had a one bed and one big bedroom, so we of course share a bed together and first time when she came to my place we didn't cuddle then I don't remember but we just cuddle each other to sleep. like we hold hands while sleeping then when we woke up we still holding hands.
Our close friend from the group knew that she sleepover to my place and they were thinking if she already moved with me, and they knew I had one bed they always joking we are lesbian because she sleep together in one bed and I didn't tell them that we cuddle but my bestie she told them we cuddle , our friends they are also Spanish said like they don't do that with their frds (they are girls), and said they sometimes see us as more than a friend and I asked but how come they said we did things normally friends don't do. I also remembered I was asking one of our close frd 'why you think me and my bestie are more than a friend you do not mean that right? ' and she said of course we are joking about you guys like an lesbian so a lot of time I think they were just joking. At that time, I just took this as a joke I didn't really mind because I also have close relationship with some other friends back in states and Korea as well but yep I can say me and my bestie who I confessed with are lot different kind of friendship that I have before and I think me and my bestie we are platonic friendship, we see each other as friends and sister as well. She one times said she see me as a little sister and I see her as my big sister. Well guess who are stupid and selfish that developed the platonic love into romantic love and I didn't noticed that.
because I also get used her in my apartment and every time she back to her place I felt sad and I miss her and it got me thinking like the idea of she move in to my place because her and her roommate issues were seriously getting worse and made her overwhelmed so I decided to asked her' what if we live together?' we started to talk on this topic , she said that she felt so comfortable like in my place because it also felt like we live together we get along well because we knew each other well and when we get off work we went home and cook, watch Netflix , movies. she said that it felt like home with me and the idea of living together she okay with it as well but she also paid her apartment as well she just can't like live here but she also think she was using all the stuff in my apartment without paying the rent ( she is a easy anxious person) so I said lets decided for a week like distance each other to see if just because we spend so much time together and make us had this impulsive thinking because living together is a huge deal .Then we both decided we should move together, she move her stuff little by little, like she stay in my apartment then once my contact end ( at that time still have 3 months left) so we find other apartment with two rooms because she said I used to my own space and of course she need that as well but for her not in rush to find another apartment because she do like my apartment.
after a month of she moved in to my place, she feel like to travel somewhere in Asia for the weekend like two of us since we always do a trip with our group of friends but never just me and her and asked me if I would like to go because I never been that place and I said yes,of course then we brought the flight like before one week we go there and yes we had a best time together.This were the moment our friends , friends in common , strangers and her entire families, her mom,her brother, her group of best friends back in her hometown thinking and asking her that if we are dating like I'm her girlfriend because she posted a post on social media a pictures of us went on a trip, we also shared one bed in the hotel and there's a pictures she posted where we hold hands in bed ( the fingers interlocked), the caption was ' The universes has brought us together and I couldn't be more grateful.', is cute right? and I do grateful that I met her.tell me if this is normal, at least now that I think of even other friends from mine they thinking it was weird she posted that pictures on the post because they also think is really more than just a friend...
is just.. I didn't even knew she took that pictures because I was sleeping and I knew when she posted and also because after that she planning back home for a month and I also have like a two weeks vacations so I also decided to go to Europe like to her hometown so her families knew I would stay with them and I stayed at her place ,before go to Spain I already met her families through FaceTime, met her brother when he traveling in Asia...You guys must be wondering so since when you noticed you like her , you developed feeling? umm I haven't get there yet.. I know but above all I have said I guess I can tell I'm in confused of us before but I just think we only share a platonic friendship.
at least I talked with other friends from mine they all saying it was weird she posted that pictures on the post because they also think is really more than just a friend...like I didn't even knew she took that pictures because I was sleeping and I knew when I woke up checked the phone at the hotel she mentioned me in the post she was already woke up and next to me..is funny how I remembered everything but actually me and my bestie I'm always the one who remembered all the details and she is like Nemo with short-term memories.
In September right before I fly to her hometown, some issues I have with my landlord and can't be solved and my bestie already flew back to Europe to see her families and I was also been sick before I went to Europe ,I just couldn't stand my landlord basically by the time we both got back because we stayed for like a month and it is gonna take awhile to look for apartment ( I remembered her said last time she stressed out to look an apartment )and so I decided to look for an apartment with two bedrooms with a reasonable price, moving within a week before I go and eventually I did and paid all the deposit and the rent , get new furnitures , managed to moved all the stuff and once kinda settle all things,I told her afterwards I didn't even ask her to share the deposit that I knew she was already spent quite a money for seeing her families and some other financial things because she is that kind of person who would blame herself that she unable to help and easily stressed out when I told my friends about this before and even now they all thought this is something beyond a friendship.I don't know it just if I can do something , I would just do it doesn't matter how hard it is gonna be as soon as she feel comfortable, not stressed out because she's have her own shit to deal with...yeah I know I'm like crazy.
After a month since we got back from Europe seperately two weeks after that we all go on a trip with our friends again,i think this is where I started get confused sometimes.because I was traveling in UK and at this time we both didn't really date anyone ever since we back , I mean I went on a perfect date in London with a guy I thought he is really my 'dream type'turns out to be an asshole as well.
This is the time where I started get a bit confused , I had a mental breakdown because i received a bad news of my families when I was at our close friends apartment having dinner it was the day before we go to the airport , I still decided to go anyway but I changed the flight so I didn't go with same flight with my bestie and our friends in the early morning. That day we all need to go to our friend party, during the dinner I didn't even eat much so I ended up getting super drunk and of course I puked. like I didn't stop drinking at the party,and i dont know at some point our friends were joking that me and my bestie are girlfriend...and around mid-night, people leaving and some of the friends planning to hit the club and I was drunk and sad so I was really wanted to go but then one of my close friend stopped me and my bestie was also saying ' apparently you are my girlfriend so you and I need to go home now, you are not going to the club.' I remembered I was like but why just let me go then she grab me and we wait for uber.
I didn't quite remembered what exactly I said but I did said 'why I'm your girlfriend they think we are girlfriends huh?. she said 'yes, you are my girlfriend apparently people think that. I was drunk talking and said 'hahaha they must be think we are lesbian, you are lesbian now. she said ' well, I don't know I mean you never know.' and I think I was also saying something I couldn't even remembered after that, she helped me get back home she left earlier to the airport and I woke up super hungover and still make it to the flight but all I felt was so awkward like I knew somehow I said something to my bestie when I was drunk and as soon as I arrived and I apologized to her about me being such a mess also asked her if I said something to her while I as drunk because I felt overwhelmed and awkward . She said 'not at all actually but you were being bit mean but in general you were just drunk.' so I was like okay so I guess she just probably didn't really take it serious about what I said.Moreover, the next day we went to island hoping paid for a day tour so a lot of time we had to stayed in the ferry and the whole trip it was me ,my bestie and our friend. My bestie and I always sitting beside with each other she was next to me and because it took a while to the island from pier so she slept a bit and I remembered I was looking at her sleeping like a baby and thinking how can she sleep like that but still look pretty... I know right,..as soon as I realized I had this thought in my head I was like wooohh nonono what am I thinking.. so on we arrived to the island and we went down to the water, started the tour and we did kayaking, when we back to the ferry and sat down our friend was talking to some other tourist next to us. I was looking at my friend and the people she talked with . and I don't know at somehow I decided to look at my bestie and all I saw was she was already looking at me and that moment I just can felt the tension between us ( but is like not sexual ? but for me it felt like if we don't stop looking at each other we can kiss?? like wtf????she looked at me and I look at her.....and I had to said' what?" she said 'nothing....(she smiled I swear my heart was melt )haha you should really learn how to swim..' my mind was like shy and I don't know because this is not really the first time we caught each other with the eye contact and we will just not say anything..and I feel like she know what I'm thinking every time when she look at me and I caught her staring me ...but the tension is normal sometime but also weird like I feel attracted ? I don't usually look at my close friend that much but for my bestie I sometime just look at her while she might be looking somewhere or doing other things.. ...... I seriously don't know if anyone of you guys would have these kind of eye contact moment or catch your friend look at you...
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I seriously have so many question and is like I'm the one being delusional ......right?
I will have part two to explain more and how did it go with my confession to my bestie
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Hi guys. I've really been struggling lately and I really need help. I recently moved into a new house with my fiance about two weeks ago. My fiance had a friend who helped us move our furniture for the first half of the day. He ended up having to go to work, so I called my friend Eric. My fiance and I had not had any problems with Eric until about a month ago, when one of my fiance's old boyfriends/abusers named Ashton moved in with him. Ever since, Eric has been kind of weird to me and my fiance, which has hurt because he has been one of my childhood best friends. When Ashton moved in, we tried to explain to Eric why we wouldn't be visiting as long as Ashton is over and he didn't really want to hear why, he shut us down when we tried to explain that Ashton had sexually abused her in the past. Anyways, Eric came over and helped us move the last bit of furniture. When my Fiance's friend was over, after every successful trip we made, we high fived each other. So, after we got our last piece of furniture in, the last job was to move my sister's 2k, maybe 3k pound pool table out of the way. My fiance and I tried and couldn't move it, but Eric came right in and moved it like it was nothing. Excited, my fiance initiated a high five with Eric. I was turned around, so I didn't see it. But my fiance claims and swears up and down that Eric grabbed her hand for two seconds and didn't let it go, staring her in the face the entire time and then let it go. I turn around and my fiance is looking at me with a concerned look, and Eric is looking at me like a deer in headlights, so to fill the the silence I went ahead and initiated a high five with Eric, where he kind of left me hanging for a second, gave me a look and high fived me, which I got weird vibes from. Anyways, I invited him to the housewarming party that night not knowing what happened...
My fiance explained later that night that Eric held her hand, and I thought that it was weird but I didn't think much of it. A couple days pass and she tells me that it reminded her of what Ashton did to her years ago, and she is convinced that what Eric did was a test of awareness, strength and vulnerability. He pushed the pool table, proceeded to grip her hand and tested her. She has been abused three times in her life and she's seen the cycle. All three times. Including from Ashton, who is living with him. She thinks he tested me as well, and to see what I would do or say about the hand holding.
This news has been hitting me very hard, and we've been trying to of scenarios where handholding would have been okay, but allas, there were none. I've wanted to talk to Eric about the situation but my Fiance said that he's just going to deny that he did it, which I wouldn't doubt. Eric has lied to me plenty of times, and I've let it slide because he's my friend. For example, just the other day he told me that he made $1k from his paycheck but told my fiancé that he made $2k. Lie, but whatever. He's my friend, right? It's usually small lies like that, but generally never anything to heinous that I know of. Other than this beef in the last couple of weeks, the only other bad thing that I knew he did was steal from me when I was younger but we were just kids.
Last night we had our housewarming party and I never told him when to come and basically uninvited him without telling him. My fiance said that she felt uncomfortable with him around, and that she did not want him to be at the party around drugs and alcohol, and that all it would take is one dark corner and too much to drink and her life would be shattered again, which I could not agree with more! But, as long as I've known Eric, I've never known him to have those types of tendencies. I was really emotional the day of the party. I spent half the day in bed crying instead of prepping, writing drafts to send to him that I was too scared to send.
The party was a lot of fun and I got to hang out with a lot of friends I haven't seen in months, the energy was high and we didn't have a single bad moment. I woke up this morning and immediately messaged Eric and told him everything. I told him that he made my fiance uncomfortable and that I did what I thought I needed to do for her safety. He told me that he had spent "nearly $200" for the party and said "I'm not calling her a liar, but I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about". He brought up how it hurt because he has also been abused in the past. He also told me that these are bad enough accusations to ruin lives and that he doesn't remember ever holding her hand. He says he doesn't want to be around my fiance anymore if she's making accusations like that. I didn't see it happen, I only read guilty body language and the vibes were off.
My fiance is super distressed, we've both cried over the situation. I've never known her to lie, but I've only known Eric to. I feel awful, did I ruin our friendship or did he do this to himself?

Just finished my CPRed campaign's Omake, things weren't that nice
I'm playing a FixeExec multiclass Character, high empathy, high luck, no stat below 5. Characterwise essentially Drebin from MGS4
The buildup:
The character had been growing increasingly paranoid of Arasaka returning to Night City, resulting in an obsession with making yourself harder to kill. At first it was just Grafted Muscle... soon it escalated to a Beta Frame, Tupg Subdermals and a fucking combat AV as a form of transport
But this was not enough, despite having near unlimited funds, a Corporate Conapt, A high Position in Militech and two massive fucking guns, it was not enough
Thus I contact the Ref, tell em "I'd like to Borg" started a night market and bought all the necesary ingredients
Had my character write down his entire last will in case the operation goes wrong
Bought a Beaverville house for his loved ones just so they can live in peace even with him gone
Hired the best surgeons for the grueling operation. Done all he could to ensure nothing bad would happen
Thus, the operation began. The character remembered nothing of it, awaking inside of a tight metal box, seeing through a small viewport, speaking only though a text to speech
The doctor moves aside, and reveals the Jumbo-sized Gemini he was going to slot himself into, asks if he wants therapy first to get used to his new state. But the character decides to simply go with it
He awakes with all his movement returned. He is inside of his Gemini.
Squeezing his fingers and feeling his joints he feels the unfamiliar movment of mechanical rotors instead of muscles. This was disconcerting, but there was nothing to be done... there was no turning back
He kept the whole thing a secret from his crew, being afraid of them turning away should they learn of this change
His old body, he frozen it and kept around inside of a coffin, wanting to officially burn it inside of his new home, a last farewell and a new begining, but things didn't go to plan
The Incident:
The team gathered under the pretense of a "Housewarming Party" players knowing nothing beforehand. My character offered his guests some SCOPdogs, talked about random stuff while still getting used to his new body (leading to accidents, such as squeezing a mustard bottle a bit too hard or chopping onions with slightly too much strength)
Finally however, he speaks of his worries, of the fact he's been terrified of dying. Of his anxiety over his own father's death via heart attack at his 18th birthday.
He speaks of immortality, of the fact that Saburo has been alive for years now for longer than anyone remembers, that ultimately brain isn't an issue, the body is
Eventually one character (an AI construct in a cloned body) guesses correctly he's borged himself and leaves the place
Another one (Buddhist Monk Solo) asks if he's speaking to a gemini, after confirming his question, a second character leaves
Then my character reveals that he's kept his own frozen body in his home and sometimes stares at it, not yet fully understanding his own situation
Immediately everyone has had visceral reactions
One character (Ex Militech Netrunner and my character's fren) straight up leaves for the toilet to vomit out the Scopdog, absolutely disturbed at the revelation. Other one (another friend, this time a Psycho rockerboy) panicks and leaves the room, going to the backyard
Our nomad, who's a genuine half-cyberpsycho just asked where's the booze as my character was sobbing uncontrollably
Every character soon went "I have to dust my cat" and left him alone in the house. He grabbed the coffin in which his old body sat, built a funeral pyre and set fire to it
The last thing characters seeing being a roaring fire in his backyard, as my character stared blankly at his old body burning away
Either way, cool omake
Though next time I should probably tell the fellow players OOC that I'm fullborging myself
Then again, I wanted honest reactions and got what I wanted
Fun time was had by no one, great session!

So this is long, but I have questions at the end... that may not need the context. It's just cathartic to write it, though I'm trying to be kind because no one thinks they're the villain of a story and I could have left sooner.
I (41F) have been Solo Poly for the past five years and was mostly monogamish before that. I am reeling a bit from the end of a polyamorous relationship that feels really unresolved on my end. I have been SoPo with my three comet relationships (men I have been involved with for 8-12 years) and a couple of local partners with newer partners entering and exiting the picture (not everyone is one of your people).
I met “Link” (49M) years ago through his work, but about 15 months ago we connected and started talking more seriously. He is in his words “very poly”, kind of a slut (no shame) and loves flirting and NRE/attention. We had a really great connection and I loved the hours we spent on the phone. He has three long term partners (two 20+ year relationships (50F/55F) and one of about nine years (44f) “Zelda”). He also had break ups with two other long term partners (8+ year relationships) while we were dating this past year. Understandably, these breakups really impacted him and one in particular, really hurt his heart and wrecked his world. Unfortunately for me, as the new person in his life, it meant that I did not receive full connection, love, or care. He told me that he was having issues with really connecting, but also escalated conversations with us about potentially TTC (I’ve been on an IVF journey as a solo parent since 2020) and repeatedly said that we would have time in Feb/March this year to try 'us' out. I entertained the idea of coparenting with him because he is uniquely able to understand what donor conceived people experience. But while I liked the idea of trying with him, he failed to ever really have a sit down talk with me about it (only over phone or text) and didn’t follow-up on simple steps like getting a semen analysis (sent him links to at-home kits) or scheduling a hookup around his work travel schedule to actually match with my fertile window. Because these steps weren’t being taken, I was kind of pulling away from that possibility, but still open to it if he came back 100% in later on. You don't want to have to force someone to want to co-parent. They really need to be 'fuck yes' about it.
His career has him on the road for weeks and months of the year, so it was already difficult to have in-person time, but he also seemed to be making excuses to actively avoid making time with me and spending weeks with my metas when we had scheduled dates. This really hurt, but I was focused on getting to that period of time (February/March) when he said he would be off the road for a good chunk of time and we could actually spend some quality time together and work on seeing if we had anything going. I was holding a lot back emotionally and we hadn’t actually been intimate for months, but I was hoping to give things a shot when this ‘off the road’ time came to pass. I did send a few small token gifts (my love language is gifts, so all my partners get little gifts from time to time), for his housewarming, birthday, and Christmas. But I didn't spend a lot of money, just wanted him to feel that I was thinking of him. I was trying, but it felt like sand through my fingers often. I actually changed the pic on my lock screen to one of us, to remind myself that I loved him and that I shouldn’t dump his ass because he was pushing me away. (ugh)
He had mentioned that our relationship (romantic) vs our coparenting relationship should be thought of in separate streams, and I was 100% on board with that as I’ve been on the TTC journey on my own for years. Baby + relationship were not really my brand. I considered him to be, if nothing else, a really really good friend that I loved and that we could be building something really nice with. My thoughts of how we could spend our time when he was newly back from the road would be maybe a night at my place since he had a weekly meeting in my town and a day at his place, since I telework and can be anywhere. That felt like a nice way to get some face time and really see if we clicked. We had spent a year texting and speaking on the phone for hours and only getting a few stolen nights together when he was in town, but we never spent more than 12 hours together. We never got breakfast. So many red flags, but I was willing to push them aside because I thought that it was all just holding space until ‘our time’ came.
Then, the week before we were supposed to have a real visit and a good talk. He sent me the coldest text I’ve ever received. No hyperbole. The text was awful. It was obviously written on a notepad app, meaning that some word smithing was put into it (a subject line and double spaces after periods), but it was an absolute gut punch. Like, how do you go from heart emojis to basically “have a good life, my heart doesn’t work, I don't want to have a kid with you or see you, but maybe we can fuck sometime in the future,” in 24 hours? We had a quick call that he took while driving to spend the weekend with one of my metas, but I was so shocked, hurt, and angry that I didn't say half of what I wanted, and he was basically silent. Then zero follow-up or any real opportunity to talk in-person. It was honestly almost psychopathic, the coldness. I reached out via text a couple of other times, and his responses were comments about maybe hooking up in the future, nothing friendly or warm. The turnaround was a slap in the face, and I’m so confused. We were friends. A breakup doesn’t have to be cruel.
I’ll add some background that one of his partners “Zelda” is apparently notorious for ‘chasing off his partners’ and he was giving lots of time and dates to his other partners. He travels with Zelda for work and they have an extremely codependent relationship that I found unappealing but, since it wasn’t mine, I let it go. But there were so many red flags. He said that his heart wasn’t working, but it really was for everyone but me. Which I can accept if that was true. He had a lot of people in his eahead and my metas were all pretty manipulative of him, with his 'big heartbreak' being the worst offender. I feel like decisions about my relationship were made without me and I had zero input or agency.
Also, because of all of the above, my therapist and I had already been talking about how I needed to ‘have a talk with him about our future’ because I wasn’t happy but was hoping we could figure out a way forward during ‘our time’ or at least to be friends. So leading up to the notorious text, I was already in the mindset of having a conversation about us maybe not staying together, especially because our last date a few days before wasn't great. I was just recovering from being sick, my basement flooded, and it was almost the anniversary of my dad's death - and he was late and left early…but we didn’t get to have it. I know that no one is guaranteed closure, but this really hurt. I haven’t felt this adrift after a breakup in years, and we weren’t even 100% in it. The callousness of the abrupt end and no attempt to be gentle, friendly, or kind after all that we had shared, is just awful. I’m ‘over’ him in that I can’t fathom wanting to be with someone who treated me like that, but I barely want to be friends with him after this because of the cruelty, and my MO is to stay friendly with most of my exes (some of them are still FWBs on occasion and we send memes and text weekly if not daily). It has been difficult to wrap my head around the finality and the coldness.
I know this is a rant, but I’m worried now. Are all highly partnered relationships like this? If you’re the new person, are you the first to get booted if things go awry? Do your 'more established' metas influence your time and relationship with your partner? I am so not used to this because in my SoPo experience, I guess I’ve had more agency in how my relationships and dates played out.
I’m focusing on continuing TTC (I had three IVF cycles in 2023, the last of which was November, so I’m just taking a break physically and mentally), but the general consensus I’ve seen in that regard is that most single parents are Solo Poly.
Any good breakup tips? I’ve already had dates scheduled with a couple of my partners and a first date with someone I started talking to on Feeld before the breakup text/call… but I’m feeling a little like my pickecompass is off. I never in a million years would have guessed that ‘Link’ would have treated me like this, so it feels destabilizing moving forward to get out there again.
ETA - Added some spaces/formatting and updated the pseudonyms to be petty. ;)

As always, thanks to SpacePaladin15 for the wonderful universe!
Sorry about the huge delay. I caught Covid, and even after I felt a bit better, my muse caught Covid too. I have very mixed feelings about this chapter, but I'm glad it's not sitting there glaring at me anymore. Hope it's not too bad, even if it's smaller and I have some misgivings!
This is my first time really writing, so I welcome any and all comments and criticism. Hope you enjoy!
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Memory Transcription Subject: Kira Ligera, Charter Boat Captain
Date [standardized human time]: January 27, 2137
I had fucked up. First I forget the fact that krakotl had a wider range of hearing, one of the few alien facts I actually knew. Along with arxur being nocturnal, and venlil couldn’t smell. I had known that Alien had some fucky sounds, hell, it had unnerved me when I was younger! His reaction was far more extreme than I had thought possible, though. It reminded me of animals fleeing shoreline hours before a tsunami hit, because they could hear things humans couldn’t. It seemed almost like an infrasonic weapon or something… At least it hadn’t been the legendary krakotl brown note.
Okay, Alien probably wasn’t the best choice, but how the hell was I supposed to remember every scene with birds in it! There were literal families of birds that didn’t impact him! But in hindsight I could see what had happened. His family, his people gone. He would never flock like that again, never fly with his own people, and seeing a giant flock take flight had broken something in him. I had wanted to go after him when he ran outside, but for whatever reason Hurza had stopped me, going outside to stand on the porch to watch him instead.
Now I stood in the kitchen, making some less meat-heavy food while Kizna watched Spongebob Squarepants. She seemed to enjoy it, so far. The high pitched and loud antics made for chaotic background noise as I cooked. Sifel had followed me, closely watching as I peeled potatoes. I didn’t expect her to offer to help, however, considering the expression on her face.
“What are you making with these cattl- filthy things?” She seemed embarrassed by her slip-up, but ehh. Hard to change your entire way of thinking quickly. To be fair, these were dirty as hell, having come from a local farm and not really cleaned. I snorted as I rapidly peeled the potatoes, tossing the peeled ones into a large pot of water.
“Just some potato soup. It’s a bit of a waste, using this much coconut milk, but me and Firlin will be able to eat it, without him having some, uhh, issues. You guys… could taste it? Ehh, or not. As much as I love fish I need something in me that's not pure meat.” I glanced over at her, grinning. “Just be glad I’m not putting together a huge salad! The horror!” She rumbled out a chuckle.
“No thanks on tasting it, probably. I don’t feel like getting sick for the rest of the night. The seasonings on that brisket are still kind of worrying… but it smells good in here, and it's outside.”
“Yeah, probably another couple hours on that. Or you could eat it earlier, it's technically cooked, but the longer you wait the more tender and delicious it will be. If you want, I could fry up some of the gag grouper for you. Or grill it, but I’d prefer not to be outside at night with that light on. The bugs are going to be bad enough as it is. Oooh, how about I just bake a few? You guys enjoyed the lemonade, right?”
At her nod I turned the oven on, pre-heating it. “That's the plan then! It will blow your mind how much better fish can taste with just some acidity. Lemon and garlic and salt and pepper…” I muttered as I pulled a few cloves of garlic off a bulb, peeling them. Sifel’s nose twitched as I began to thinly slice the garlic, and she reached across the counter to grab the rest of the bulb. As I pulled two of the gag grouper out I dropped them into the sink for now.
“Garlic smells good to you? It’s kind of strong, but that's what makes it so good on stuff.” She nodded, placing the bulb back down.
“It reminds me of a plant from Wriss. It’s hard to find these days, but I’ve heard that before Betterment, even before industrialization, we used it in some way for food preservation. That’s all I’ve heard about it, though. That kind of information is scarce, more rumor than anything.” I nodded as I finished peeling potatoes.
“Garlic can actually kill some pathogens and germs, so we’ve used it for preservation in the past, and today. We do the same with things like salt, sugar, honey, vinegar, lotsa stuff. I’m glad you like garlic, though. The smell, at least.” As I drained the pot of dirty water I pulled out a large mixing bowl, dumping the potatoes in it before covering them with water. She gave me a questioning look, so as I washed the pot out I answered her.
“Some humans hate the smell of garlic. I mean, too much garlic can smell I guess, but I’m the opposite. If a recipe calls for 3 cloves, I used 5 at least. More if they aren’t very big. My grandma used to just triple the garlic in any recipe…” I finished cleaning my pot. Filling it half-way with cold water I set it on the counter next to my cutting board. I pulled a few potatoes out of the water and began to rapidly chunk them up. I noticed Sifel watching my knife work intently and couldn’t help but shudder.
I trusted them, but the way their past hung on them like a funeral shroud was disconcerting sometimes, to say the least. One moment I’m chatting about food with a friend, the next moment I’m reminded that the same friend had almost certainly tortured people. That they had all eaten people. Even little Kizna, not that they had had a choice. The realities of their lives and what they went through before winding up in my house… it was a lot to try and reconcile. If you had told me a month ago that I would consider a former torturer- I mean lets be honest, intelligence officer? There had to be torture in there- a friend, I’d have never believed it.
Not that I thought less of them or anything. It was a complicated situation, but when they’d had the chance, they had fled the cruelty. They were here now, trying to make a life for themselves. Still, the way she watched my fingers move, and the knife, made it all too clear she was remembering something dark, something I’d love to never hear.
“Miss Kira, what’s a pineapple?” Kizna called out. Sifels eyes snapped up and cleared a bit, so I smiled as I answered.
“It’s a delicious, tangy, sweet fruit! It’s also one of the only fruits that tries to eat you back!” I chuckled at the look on Sifel’s face. “It’s got an enzyme in it that breaks down proteins, so for if instance, say you're a small child walking through a farmers market and someone gives you a good deal on a whole peeled and cored pineapple because you're a cute kid… and you eat the entire thing? Well, first your tongue tingles, and then it burns, and eventually it bleeds... Well, considering I was an insane child and it was delicious, I went back and got more. It took a week for my tongue to feel normal.” Sifel and Kizna both chuckled, but I could still feel the ache all these years later. Not that I wouldn’t do it again. In fact…
“You know, a couple pieces of fruit shouldn’t mess with your stomach much if you want to try a piece.” I had barely finished the sentence before Kizna was leaping off the couch. I pulled a small container out of the fridge and offered it to her, before going back to dicing potatoes. As I finished that, bringing the potatoes to just under the surface of the water in the pot, I heard a squeal of delight. I turned the burner on high, tossed some salt in, and turned to see Kizna taking another piece out of the container. Sifel quickly grabbed it from her, shooting me a worried look.
“Ehh, two pieces should be fine, but wait awhile, see how your stomach feels.” Sifel nodded, giving it back to Kizna, and then took out a piece of her own. She looked almost constipated momentarily, eyes screwed up like she was about to eat dung, before she tossed it into her maw. Her eyes got wide after a moment, and I could feel the rumble of pleasure vibrating out of her chest cavity.
The back door opened and Firlin walked inside. He seemed tired and drained, but not broken anymore as he clacked across the tile, sitting down at the table. Hurza followed him inside, flicking the porch light off as he did. I wanted to rush over to him, apologize, hug him, so many things… but considering how Hurza had stopped me, maybe I’d just make it worse? Firlin spoke up, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“So what are you making? More fish?” His voice was a bit hoarse, and carefully neutral, but he sounded… okay. That would have to do for now. I grinned as I measured out seasonings.
“If you want some, but I was making some vegan potato soup for me and you. Something filling that's not pure protein. I’m sure you can't process dairy without taking a lactose pill thing, I don’t know the name since I never needed one, and I don’t have any here. You’ll enjoy it, it's rich and creamy and smooth, mostly smooth. I leave a bit less than half of it chunky… I’m just making myself hungry, damn.” I reached into the container and got a piece of pineapple, before I looked at Sifel, then at them. She got the hint, offering Hurza some as I walked to Firlin.
“Try some pineapple! Don’t know if you’ve had some yet. It digests you!” He paused, fruit halfway to his mouth, before glaring at me defiantly, tossing it in anyways. I watched his eyes grow wide, a chirp of pleasure creeping out of his beak. I smiled as I turned to the sink. “Okay, let’s get this going. Give me a few minutes, just need to filet these. The potatoes need to cook a bit anyway.”
I loved fish, but I hated having to filet every fish I ate. I wasn’t squeamish, far from it. I was just incurably, unapologetically lazy. Not that it was hard after all these years. The filets soon sat on a baking sheet, olive oil on the bottom, a layer of garlic, salt, pepper, and then thick slices of lemon across the tops. I put them in the oven and finally got to clean my stuff.
“So maybe 20 minutes on those, they were nice and thick. So, uhh, about movies. What do you want to watch? I’m assuming you had the restricted UN internet, soo…” They glanced at each other, and Firlin, before Sifel spoke up.
“How about we watch more nature shows? Not just water. Let’s see what Earth has. Can we see some predators?” The glint in her eye would normally have alarmed me, but I could tell she was trying to mess with Firlin. Who puffed up, but not much.
“How deep are the ‘deep seas’? From that one episode?” Kizna spoke up, sniffing at the pot. Considering there was just potatoes and salt, she wasn't going to smell much. I began to get the rest of my ingredients ready. Vegan potato soup, with no bacon or meat at all had to make up for it in other ways, so after they had partially cooked I poured most of the water out, mashed around half of it up, and added the can of coconut milk. As it began to heat up again I threw in some diced mushrooms and stirred, letting it meld.
“Okay, finally! Maybe a half hour on the soup.” I turned to Kizna. “And the deepest place on Earth is thirty-six thousand feet deep or so! Most of the ocean isn’t that deep, but it's around twelve thousand, roughly?” Hurza spoke up, already back on the couch.
“I think deep sea sounds interesting. Let’s watch that while the food cooks.” Sifel and Firlin both nodded, so I guess we had something to watch… ah. That one had more birds. How about…
“A-ah, there's a better video, it's from a different series called Blue Planet that focuses on the water more. Let’s load that one up instead.” Smooth Kira, good job. Nobody raised any eyebrows, or whatever equivalent they had, so good.
“Before that, could you give me a hand with Firlin’s room? We just need to clear the bed off, it should be big enough for both of you and Kizna, but it’s buried under a pile of stuff right now.” I sheepishly rubbed at the back of my head as I walked towards the hallway.
I kept my living environs mostly clean and neat, but the spare room had been my storage room for a long time by now. I don’t even remember buying the bed, honestly. It was probably a housewarming gift from my parents, now that I thought about it. That seemed a lot like my mom. I didn’t exactly have friends but I would have needed a guest bed. Took a long time for it to see use…
“Sure, let’s get this done quickly.” They followed me to the room, and I watched as Hurza simply wrapped his arms around the mass of crap on the bed and shifted it towards the foot of the bed. A few loud crashes later, and a few minutes of rearranging, gave us a messy room with a small path to a clean queen-sized bed. It would have taken me an hour to do that by myself, even if I was just shoving things around.
As we sat back down my mind was racing about logistics, of all things. Seating logistics. Should I just pull a chair in the living room, even though they weren’t that comfortable? Should I try and give Firlin space, somehow? I didn’t want him to hate me, but- my thoughts were interrupted as he gave me a small shove. I glanced down to see him looking at me inquisitively, head cocked to the side.
“You’re not sitting on my lap, so I’m waiting on you.” He spoke confidently, but the slight flush I could see around his ear-holes told me he was blushing. Aaand now I was too, great. What was there to blush about? Just two roommates hanging out… and cuddling… Shit.
Did I really just now get it? What am I, some anime protagonist? I mean, I can be dense sometimes, but still… Did Firlin like me? Probably. Did I like him? As a friend, absolutely… Did I see it going anywhere? That was a biiiiig question mark for me. Emotional compatibility aside, he was a krakotl. It was hard to look at one and think ‘damn I want some of that’ and not feel weird. Or did I? Honestly, Hurza and Sifel checked a few of my boxes, but a lot of them remained unchecked. Actually… okay yeah, I could feel attracted to aliens. But was I attracted to Firlin?
Firlin… Okay, krakotl in general… They felt fragile. Like an adult with brittle bone disease, kinda sorta. Like a hobbit, but more frail. If I gave the poor guy a full-force hug, I might actually kill him. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. Not the best comparison in this case, but… It did sort of color my perception of him. I knew he wasn’t actually fragile, but I couldn’t help but treat him like blown glass. Not the best way to enter a relationship.
Maybe I was simply thinking about it too hard. Did I like Firlin? Yes. Could I develop deeper feelings for him? Probably. He was kind, thoughtful, and surprisingly brave. Did I want to, though? Emotions were not what I did! I was basically a fucking hermit! Hundreds of years ago I would have been some sort of adventure guide, or died trying. I had no interest in romance, right? I didn’t do relationships!
My blush deepened until I could feel my ears burning, but luckily nobody noticed. I slid deeper into the couch as I tried to get the thought out of my head. It refused to budge, though. As we watched whales dive, only one thought echoed throughout my head.
Did I want to catch feelings?
The rest of the night passed by in a blur of nature documentaries, food, and friendship. I hadn’t had friends over in so long I honestly couldn’t remember the last time for comparison. My potato soup turned out okay, not amazing by any means, but Firlin certainly enjoyed it. So did the arxur, but they only tasted it to be safe. The way their eyes had popped when they tasted lemon fish for the first time was gratifying, however.
Eventually the night ran down, and after we pulled the brisket inside there seemed to be an unspoken agreement that it was time for sleep. I carefully sliced off a few large chunks for the arxur, and a tiny sliver for myself as they had a meat-related epiphany. Yes I was pescatarian, but I didn’t buy this, it was vat-grown, and I honestly didn’t care right now. It smelled too good. As I bit off half the slice I offered the rest to Firlin. He just gave me a side-eye.
“You know that will make me sick, right?” I grinned at him, swallowing.
“Yeah, but you never explained that. I assume it’s not like an allergic reaction, you don’t get itchy or have trouble breathing, right?” I knew that was how the altered species reacted, at least. He shook his head.
“According to my family, it just made them… uhh… Relieve themselves a lot.” I couldn’t help but laugh at him, raising my hands up as I did.
“Sorry, sorry, you just remind me of an old… friend I had in college. He couldn’t process dairy, but he loved ice cream, so he just kind of dealt with the consequences of his actions. This will probably be worth it the same way.” He gave me another odd look but held his claw out to take it.
He looked like the arxur had looked eating the soup, honestly. Like they were eating a bomb. The way his eyes lit up when he ate it, though, made it clear he enjoyed this far more than they enjoyed the soup. He let out a contented chirp, turning to stare at the brisket cooling on the counter.
“Okay, ready to be Marley's bed again tonight?”
He squinted at me before replying. “Oh yeah, looking forward to it… it would probably be less annoying if she wasn’t an eighth my weight or more, but she’s not too bad, honestly.” Ooh, I hadn’t thought about that. My cat was big, and it was kind of uncomfortable to have her on my chest, much less his. Before I could respond, however, I heard a voice coming from outside Firlin’s room.
“Mister Firlin, can I sleep on the couch? I think Mom and Dad might squish me in that bed.” Kizna asked, seemingly half asleep as she pulled a comforter behind her. That was entirely valid now that I thought about it. I now worried for the integrity of Firlin’s future bed now, considering just how big Hurza was, to say nothing of Sifel. Where would Firlin sleep, though?
He glanced over at me, the same purplish blush on the bits of skin I could see, and I mentally kicked myself. Duh. Well, this was a bit awkward, since I had never finished answering that question from before. Aaaand it didn’t look like I was any closer. I cleared my throat, looking at him inquisitively. He gave a small nod, so I did as well. I turned to my room before the blush could really get going. Time to clean.
My room was clean, but not tidy, not at all. Dirty clothes were in the hamper, but I chose my clean clothes off the floor piles most days. I scooped them all up into my arms as I heard Firli tell Kizna the couch was all hers, giving up on making it look good as I dumped them in the corner of the room. I didn’t have much in here honestly. Queen sized bed, a computer station, some drawers I should use but didn’t. The only luxurious things were my gaming computer I used too little, and my bed, which I also used too little. My blush was gone when he came in, seeing me still in the process of hiding the evidence as best I could. I could tell he was amused, but then his head cocked, angling towards the bed.
Okay now I was blushing again. I was not some hormonal teenager, but it had been a long time since I was this vulnerable with someone. I blushed, yes, but internally I shrugged. Fuck it. Aliens are real and in my house hanging out. I was just going to roll with the insanity my life had become in the past day. I quickly grabbed some light pajamas, aka a thin shirt and nice loose shorts, and went to the bathroom briefly to change. On the way back I put the brisket up in the fridge, turning out the nights. I wished Kizna a good night, receiving a sleepy “g’niii” in return. When I got back, Firlin was looking indecisively at the bed still. That wasn’t like him. Was he still hung up on this? He turned to me, a questioning look in his eyes.
“What side do you usually sleep on, or do you sleep in the middle?” He asked it so casually. Well no shit Firlin wasn’t phased. I grinned as I pulled the sheets out on the left side, closest to the door. He bobbed his head a bit, then fluttered up to the other side of the bed. I had given him two pillows, and he propped them up behind and around him like a long nest. He looked at me in confusion and I realized I had been staring.
“Are you going to turn the lights out?” Oh yeah, that was a thing. That people did at times, like when they went to sleep. My ears were burning as I flicked the light switch, plunging the room into total darkness, other than that one annoying LED inside my computer. Damn orange light all night long.
I was dimly able to see as he pulled the covers up, so I got comfortable on my usual half, sleeping on my side. As I lay there in the dark, corner fan thankfully enough white noise to drown out anything else, I had myself a good, long think.
Okay, could I like him emotionally? Yes. Could I like him physically? I had never really cared what people looked like, so yes? This was a bit different than just human beauty standards, but yeah, I could. Was I even able to? That was the real question. Almost a decade of, at best, acquaintances in my life. Grant was the closest thing I’d had to a friend, and he was more like a nice uncle that tried to look out for me than anything else.
It was easy to forget about people's good points when you had to deal with peoples bad points. Or when you’d been burned before, and often. Any creature will shy away from pain, from torment. Do it enough and you never stop shying away, perpetually living behind walls. They keep you safe, but they stifle you at every turn. They had stifled me, but it was hard to break those safe, secure walls down. To face the unknown, to be vulnerable.
It was happening, though.
Hurza and Sifel felt like cousins of a sort. Maybe I had just been starved for connections, but it felt genuine. Hurza was a gentle giant, a massive and deadly carnivore who wore a fanny pack. Sifel was a caring mother, and seemed to have a good sense of humor. Their pasts? They mattered, in that they shaped who they were today, but it didn’t color how I viewed them. Yes, they could both easily kill me in a matter of seconds. Then again, I could do the same thing with a knife. It wasn’t a fair comparison. They chose not to, just as they had chosen to risk everything to get here.
And little Kizna! She was adorable, and poked those maternal instincts I had denied I would ever have hard. She was so tiny and had been through so much, but even when she was visibly nervous, like when Grant had first shown up, she hadn’t been afraid, just wary. The childish glee she found in everything, especially fishing, was oddly energizing to be around. Her sheer thrill to be alive was contagious. And sad, knowing her happiness was a recent thing.
Firlin… He was fun to tease. He was constantly pushing himself past his comfort zone and staying there. It was inspiring how he pushed past the Federation’s brainwashing. Oh sure, he never got the gene altering, but he certainly got the indoctrination. The insidious part is you begin to believe it even when you yourself are living proof it's a lie, and I can tell it still gets to him.
He was… oddly handsome, in a way? Most of the facial features weren't there, but he had most of the tall, dark, and handsome vibe. Considering his size, he probably was to other krakotl. If they weren’t assholes and were capable of looking beyond the color of his plumage.
He shifted on the bed, turning towards my back. When he spoke it wasn’t a whisper, just a light, tired voice. The poor guy was probably exhausted, what with my insane schedule and the impromptu nature documentary marathon.
“What a day. So that was fishing, huh?” Tired though he was, I could hear the awe in his voice. I lightly chuckled as I replied.
“That was a tiny slice of many different types of fishing, for many different species. Tomorrow, we’re after largemouth bass and some catfish, and largemouth are considered the favorite sport fish in North America for a reason. It’s just harder than bait fishing salt. Or freshwater, though I might pull out some bobbers with some bluegill tomorrow though…” I felt his wing weakly nudge me in the side.
“Save it for tomorrow, Kira. Goodnight. Please don’t roll on top of me and smother me in my sleep.” I laughed lightly as I let myself drift off. It had been a long day with little rest. Even my overactive imagination had to ignore the space hawk in my bed as I felt sleep overtake me.
At least tomorrow will be nice and relaxing.
Next

Hey all, wanted to say a quick sorry for going radio silent without meaning to. Things got very busy (mostly for good or neutral reasons at least) and I wasn't finding it in me to keep writing. However, I think I mostly have it back now. Posts will be a little less scheduled than they used to be, but I intend to keep on pushing!
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Chapter 41 - Those On Our Team
Last Time: With things stable for the mercenary group, Laran and Aiden decided to take some time for themselves and go to visit their parents back in Eightside. In their absence, Oxcard was deputized to lead everyone. As Aiden’s parents had recently purchased a new home, Aiden and Laran wished to get them a housewarming gift. Hoping for some insight into what the Smiths may desire, the pair headed to the Agana household. Fortuitously, Lorna had recently finished a contraption that served as a vague equivalent of a lightbulb, which she gave to the boys to give to Aiden’s parents. In search of a glassblower, Laran and Aiden hit the town of Eightside once again.
The feeling of quaintness that I had gotten when I saw Eightside again was present even stronger as we walked between the sleepy houses of the rural city. The din of dockworkers, carts, and the general actions of people going about their days had faded into the background of Diareen, but now that it was gone I could feel it. It almost reminded me of the feeling of finally getting a popcorn kernel unstuck from between your teeth - in some strange way, the lack was as much a feeling as anything else’s presence.
As Laran and I walked, our hands intertwined. Part of me wondered what he was thinking in that moment - Tal didn’t exactly have social media, so walking through town holding hands was probably as close to being ‘Facebook Official’ as one could get. Nobody gave us any second looks until a loud whistle rang through the air.
Though the pattern was different, I’d learned that the whistle I’d just heard was the vague equivalent of a wolf whistle on Earth - something loud, a little crass, and very much designed to raise attention. I could feel my hackles rising - one didn’t grow up gay in the time I lived in on Earth and not get at least a little bit defensive when unexpected attention was drawn - but they quickly fell when I saw who it was. Eloise was headed towards us, waving enthusiastically and wearing a wide grin.
“Laran! Aiden! Good to see you!” she called as she came closer. Once within striking distance, she closed in on Laran for a hug. I was glad I recognized her - without the context of the Speckled Goose, I would have not bet that I would reliably be able to remember who she was. The immediate familiarity she had with Laran would have tipped me off - hopefully - but still, I had narrowly managed to avoid an awkward situation.
Speaking of awkward, I hadn’t said anything since Eloise had approached. At least Laran thought it was cute when I got stuck in my own head. Before things could stretch on any longer, I greeted her in kind.
“Eloise, unless I’m really wrong - in which case sorry!”
Her answering laughter reassured me I was indeed talking to Eloise, Laran’s ex and childhood friend. She looked me over, then at our clasped hands, then raised an eyebrow and looked at Laran.
“So are we going to talk about this? Or are you two going to pretend there’s not something going on?”
I wondered what to say, but Laran beat me to the punch.
“Oh yeah! We’ve been datin’ fer a few months - Aiden proposed a few days ‘go so we decided t’ come home!”
Eloise simply gaped her mouth as my own face lit up bright red. Laran was already laughing, but I felt like I had to defend myself.
“Come on! You know I didn’t mean to propose, I was just thinking out loud and it came out wrong and-”
Laran was too far gone to clear up the air, and Eloise still looked confused. She looked at me and I just shrugged.
“I mean he’s technically right in a way? But, I mean…”
Eloise’s face set into certainty. “Alright, that settles it! You two are following me home and we’re going to go over what’s been going on recently.” She spared a glance to Laran, who was still wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “And you’re going to tell me properly - no more throwing your boyfriend under the cart Mr. Agana.”
We gladly followed her to a nice little home towards the center of the city. Eloise had purchased it with a friend of hers - it apparently had used to be a barbershop, but the barber had gotten too old to keep practicing and had closed up. Eloise seemed excited to play host to us, sitting us down and keeping up a running commentary of questions as she bustled around and started tea brewing.
Finally, she sat with a tray of little slices of sweet bread and we got down to the proper details of what had been going on. When we ‘officially’ got to the part about how Laran and I had started dating, Eloise let out a squealing noise.
“That’s so cute! Keep going - I just had to let that out!”
We stayed at Eloise’s for about an hour, but did eventually make our excuses to leave. We wanted to make sure that we were able actually get the shade for the light at least commissioned that day - we weren’t exactly in a rush to leave Eightside, but we hadn’t planned to stay for much more than a week in total. Eloise walked us to the door as we left.
“Hey Aiden, do you mind if I steal Laran for a little? I have some questions and such I want to ask - I hope you don’t mind?”
I waved off her concerns. “Of course! Go right ahead - I’ll just be outside. I think there was a fountain a block or two north of here, so I’ll just stay there. Come find me!”
With that, I left. Of course, part of me wondered what Eloise and Laran were talking about - he’d probably tell me later if I asked. However, I didn’t feel there was any need besides my own curiosity to ask him, so I tried to put it out of my mind. Instead, I went up to the fountain and tossed in a nib, watching it float to the bottom slowly.
Things really were beautiful here. I wondered if they had also been this beautiful back on Earth. Maybe the only reason I thought Tal was beautiful is because I was seeing it with fresh eyes. I doubted there was anything about this place that made it more beautiful-
I quickly added a mental correction - I doubted there was anything about this place besides Laran that made it more beautiful than Earth.
I simply sat on the edge of the fountain and watched people passing by. I recognized one or two from my time in the town and waved a greeting, but in general I just soaked in the patchwork of ancestries that paraded in front of me. After about twenty minutes, Laran caught up with me.
“Hey, sorry ‘bout that. Eloise was being Eloise, so she wanted a heart to heart. Long story short she’s happy fer us and you now got the Eloise seal of approval, so there’s that fer ya. You feel accomplished?”
I laughed, stood, and stretched. “Glad to hear it - Eloise must be an excellent judge of character.”
Laran rolled his eyes and together we continued on to the glassblowers. We spoke with an apprentice about what we wanted. Given that it would be a custom order, the apprentice scurried back to get the master craftsman. It took him a solid forty five minutes - the master must have been working on something - but eventually a stocky shadeling emerged from the back of the shop. He heard us out, took some measurements of the device with a pair of marked calipers, and told us to check back in after three days. We paid him half up front and, with that done, suddenly found that it was time to go to my parents’ house.
Between the various delays, both expected and unexpected, we were getting hungry as we picked through Eightside on the way to my parents’ place. Laran was confident he knew where we were going and sure enough, he led us true. For a brief moment I felt strange standing on the door of my parents’ house. It felt like the first time I returned home from living at the dorms for college - I was entering a place that wasn’t my home but which was my parents’.
The strength of the feeling surprised me. Sure I hadn’t managed to move out from my parents’ home after college - many my age didn’t, and I actually got along with them so I hadn’t been in a hurry - but it wasn’t like I hadn’t been living in my own house for months now. Apparently there was enough of the old Aiden left to feel weird however. Laran noticed my hesitation and raised an eyebrow in question. I shook my head slightly, indicating to him that it was nothing, and raised my hand to knock.
Shortly after I finished knocking, I heard my mom’s voice call out, muffled from being deep in the house.
“Dear could you get that? I’ve got my hands full.”
Soon enough, Dad opened the door. It was still just a little weird seeing him as a dwarf - his face looked mostly the same, except he was more hairy and obviously he was much shorter. His face lit up when he saw Laran and I however, and that same midwestern earnestness he had on Earth bubbled up to the surface immediately.
“Tilda! Get in here! Aiden’s home! And Laran’s with him!”
I heard a clattering of metal as Mom hurriedly finished up what she was working on. While we waited, Dad took it in turns to hug both of us. Before he could launch into questions about how we were doing, however, Mom arrived in the room and had to take her turn at giving us hugs. I noticed she was wearing a heavy leather jerkin over smudged and loose-fitting clothes.
“Come in come in! It’s so good to see you two! If you give me a minute I can clean up - Tom, entertain for me okay?”
With that she jetted off deeper into the house. Something about the way she moved did strike me as particularly cat-like - maybe it was the way her limbs almost seemed to be moving faster than she could exactly control. With Mom gone and Dad ushering us to some seats in a small sitting room, I took a moment to take in the house.
It was small, though houses in Eightside were all very small compared to what I considered average as an American on Earth. However it seemed sturdy enough - I could see large lumber beams exposed on the ceiling. Mom probably loved that - one time we had all gone to England and she had kept gushing about how cute this one cottage house we had stayed in had been.
If only they’d known that soon that would be their norm. Part of me wondered how they would have reacted. Frankly, they’d have probably not believed a word of things, which did make sense. Up until we woke up in Tal, we didn’t have any idea about the existence of other life besides that which lived on Earth.
At the front of the sitting room, there was a small punch-out seat in a half-hexagon which stuck out from the rest of the wall. I saw Dad’s instrument laying at rest on the window seat - maybe he used it as a practice space? I could tell they were recently moved in, as everything was just a little too orderly, but already this place was starting to feel fitting for them.
I hoped they could make a life here like I had been making a life for myself.
Mom joined us shortly, having changed and let her hair down from the ponytail it had been up in. Her tail - I was still getting used to that - swung back and forth in large, fluid motions as she hugged us. She smelled of metal - it was the sort of smell I’d associate with a car garage, but somehow nicer - and apologized for not being properly cleaned up but I don’t think Laran or I cared.
With both parents present, Laran and I weathered the absolute blitz of questions we received. Obviously I couldn’t put everything that had happened in my letters, so we did have some catching up to do. In turn, we asked them how they were doing, and everything seemed to be fine enough. Eventually, however, the conversation took the turn I knew it was almost fated to take. It was Dad who brought it up.
“So how are you two doing? You know, romantically and the like? Is that going good?”
I felt a little embarrassed - Dad could be so direct at times - and was thankful that Mom gave us an out.
“Come on Dear, don’t you think that’s a little blunt? You’re really putting them on the spot - Honey, you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”
I could hear from her tone of voice that Mom was also curious about how things were going. I took a second to marshal my thoughts, only for Laran to completely beat me to the punch.
“Things’re going great! It took a bit to get used to livin’ together an’ all - also the fact we’re in business and I do the money stuff - but I think we handled it. Plus yer son’s real nice to me.”
I looked at Laran’s face. There was no trace of anything except complete sincerity - he didn’t seem to just try to be talking me up. I pondered for a second how to add on to that and finally came to a wording I was happy with.
“Yeah, things are going well. Running the group has been much lighter as a team, and I think we compliment each other well.”
Mom let out a short peal of laughter.
“I swear, with the way you talk about teamwork and complimentary skills, I don’t think there’s a better pick in the world for someone to be a Commander. I take your meaning though - I’m glad things are going well Sweetie.”
“Yeah, same from me,” Dad said. “A good relationship is definitely a good team - knowing what needs doing when, what you’re good at and what your partner’s good at, and knowing when to not care about that and just doing something anyway. I’m glad to hear you two talk that way.”
“Speaking of teamwork…” Mom began. I immediately noticed a change of her tone which made me pay attention. Laran must have picked it up too, as he leaned forward in his chair. Mom paused, seemingly searching in her mind for the words for a moment, then plunged on. “Well, let’s just say we may be adding someone new to the team.”
It took me a moment to puzzle out what they meant. Had Mom and Dad gone polyamorous? That’d take some getting used to, but I was pretty sure I could deal with it. Or was Mom pregnant? I looked at Mom, and the way her hand fluttered to her stomach answered my question for me. My mouth dropped open.
“Wait, so you’re… Baby?”
Mom giggled a little, her face turning a few shades of red. Her reply was simple. “Yes. Baby.”
Laran looked ecstatic and Dad was grinning like a loon. I could see Mom beaming too. I felt excited and confused and worried and like my world was crumbling and like everything was new at the same time. I stumbled badly over my words.
“But… How? When?”
Dad cut in. “Well, apparently coming to Tal and getting a new body might have… unsnipped a few things which used to be snipped.”
Dad.
“And we weren’t exactly planning for it but we weren’t exactly trying to avoid it…”
DAD.
“Plus I swear since coming here I’ve been on your mom like catnip - pun intended - and-”
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
Dad blathered on a little longer while I sat there, shocked. A goofy smile was plastered over my face. I was going to be a big brother.
Dad liked catgirls.
No, don’t think about that, focus instead on the fact that I was going to be a big brother.
Out of nowhere, I started to tear up. This immediately got Mom crying, which sniped Dad, and soon all three of us were huddled together, hugging and crying and relishing the news. Laran stood to the side, unsure of what to do with himself, until Mom pulled him in. I had my arm over him, and he was grinning too. We stayed like that for a while, a small moment of eternity that I swore I’d always carry with me. Eventually though, the group hug broke and we all pulled back.
“Anyone else know? Mom n’ Dad?” asked Laran. Mom shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes.
“No, we wanted to tell Aiden first. Though it’s not supposed to be a secret. By the way, you have good timing. We were going to send a letter and ask you to visit here soon, but apparently you beat us to the punch. Maybe that means this baby was meant to be.”
I was still a little numb from the news. My mind swirled with half-formed thoughts as Mom, Dad, and Laran continued to talk about things. I was seated next to Mom and she was holding my hand, gently stroking the back of my palm with her thumb. She was quiet but smiling. I realized I had completely forgotten to even mention the present we had gotten Mom and Dad yet, but in that moment I didn't think it mattered. I'd say it later - there was something much more important to think on.
I was going to be a big brother.
Elsewhere: The lake was behind her, but it did nothing to stop the maddening pain. Even though it was gone, it could still be felt, nestled like an egg in some far off corner of her brain. Had it been physical she could have pecked it apart or drowned it in the deeps, but this pain was in her mind. She had tried many things over the years to quiet it, but it had always remained. Now that she had acknowledged it, the pain had grown like a wildfire tearing through savannah bush - the kindling had been present and dried, and all that had been needed was the spark. Now the pain burned in her gently but insistently, keeping her warm as it licked at her insides. Quiet, still and quiet. Maybe if she could make everything still, maybe if she could douse it all in deep, dark waters, then the fire would go out and she could stop the pain.
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Hey all, wanted to say a quick sorry for going radio silent without meaning to. Things got very busy (mostly for good or neutral reasons at least) and I wasn't finding it in me to keep writing. However, I think I mostly have it back now. Posts will be a little less scheduled than they used to be, but I intend to keep on pushing!
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Chapter 41 - Those On Our Team
Last Time: With things stable for the mercenary group, Laran and Aiden decided to take some time for themselves and go to visit their parents back in Eightside. In their absence, Oxcard was deputized to lead everyone. As Aiden’s parents had recently purchased a new home, Aiden and Laran wished to get them a housewarming gift. Hoping for some insight into what the Smiths may desire, the pair headed to the Agana household. Fortuitously, Lorna had recently finished a contraption that served as a vague equivalent of a lightbulb, which she gave to the boys to give to Aiden’s parents. In search of a glassblower, Laran and Aiden hit the town of Eightside once again.
The feeling of quaintness that I had gotten when I saw Eightside again was present even stronger as we walked between the sleepy houses of the rural city. The din of dockworkers, carts, and the general actions of people going about their days had faded into the background of Diareen, but now that it was gone I could feel it. It almost reminded me of the feeling of finally getting a popcorn kernel unstuck from between your teeth - in some strange way, the lack was as much a feeling as anything else’s presence.
As Laran and I walked, our hands intertwined. Part of me wondered what he was thinking in that moment - Tal didn’t exactly have social media, so walking through town holding hands was probably as close to being ‘Facebook Official’ as one could get. Nobody gave us any second looks until a loud whistle rang through the air.
Though the pattern was different, I’d learned that the whistle I’d just heard was the vague equivalent of a wolf whistle on Earth - something loud, a little crass, and very much designed to raise attention. I could feel my hackles rising - one didn’t grow up gay in the time I lived in on Earth and not get at least a little bit defensive when unexpected attention was drawn - but they quickly fell when I saw who it was. Eloise was headed towards us, waving enthusiastically and wearing a wide grin.
“Laran! Aiden! Good to see you!” she called as she came closer. Once within striking distance, she closed in on Laran for a hug. I was glad I recognized her - without the context of the Speckled Goose, I would have not bet that I would reliably be able to remember who she was. The immediate familiarity she had with Laran would have tipped me off - hopefully - but still, I had narrowly managed to avoid an awkward situation.
Speaking of awkward, I hadn’t said anything since Eloise had approached. At least Laran thought it was cute when I got stuck in my own head. Before things could stretch on any longer, I greeted her in kind.
“Eloise, unless I’m really wrong - in which case sorry!”
Her answering laughter reassured me I was indeed talking to Eloise, Laran’s ex and childhood friend. She looked me over, then at our clasped hands, then raised an eyebrow and looked at Laran.
“So are we going to talk about this? Or are you two going to pretend there’s not something going on?”
I wondered what to say, but Laran beat me to the punch.
“Oh yeah! We’ve been datin’ fer a few months - Aiden proposed a few days ‘go so we decided t’ come home!”
Eloise simply gaped her mouth as my own face lit up bright red. Laran was already laughing, but I felt like I had to defend myself.
“Come on! You know I didn’t mean to propose, I was just thinking out loud and it came out wrong and-”
Laran was too far gone to clear up the air, and Eloise still looked confused. She looked at me and I just shrugged.
“I mean he’s technically right in a way? But, I mean…”
Eloise’s face set into certainty. “Alright, that settles it! You two are following me home and we’re going to go over what’s been going on recently.” She spared a glance to Laran, who was still wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “And you’re going to tell me properly - no more throwing your boyfriend under the cart Mr. Agana.”
We gladly followed her to a nice little home towards the center of the city. Eloise had purchased it with a friend of hers - it apparently had used to be a barbershop, but the barber had gotten too old to keep practicing and had closed up. Eloise seemed excited to play host to us, sitting us down and keeping up a running commentary of questions as she bustled around and started tea brewing.
Finally, she sat with a tray of little slices of sweet bread and we got down to the proper details of what had been going on. When we ‘officially’ got to the part about how Laran and I had started dating, Eloise let out a squealing noise.
“That’s so cute! Keep going - I just had to let that out!”
We stayed at Eloise’s for about an hour, but did eventually make our excuses to leave. We wanted to make sure that we were able actually get the shade for the light at least commissioned that day - we weren’t exactly in a rush to leave Eightside, but we hadn’t planned to stay for much more than a week in total. Eloise walked us to the door as we left.
“Hey Aiden, do you mind if I steal Laran for a little? I have some questions and such I want to ask - I hope you don’t mind?”
I waved off her concerns. “Of course! Go right ahead - I’ll just be outside. I think there was a fountain a block or two north of here, so I’ll just stay there. Come find me!”
With that, I left. Of course, part of me wondered what Eloise and Laran were talking about - he’d probably tell me later if I asked. However, I didn’t feel there was any need besides my own curiosity to ask him, so I tried to put it out of my mind. Instead, I went up to the fountain and tossed in a nib, watching it float to the bottom slowly.
Things really were beautiful here. I wondered if they had also been this beautiful back on Earth. Maybe the only reason I thought Tal was beautiful is because I was seeing it with fresh eyes. I doubted there was anything about this place that made it more beautiful-
I quickly added a mental correction - I doubted there was anything about this place besides Laran that made it more beautiful than Earth.
I simply sat on the edge of the fountain and watched people passing by. I recognized one or two from my time in the town and waved a greeting, but in general I just soaked in the patchwork of ancestries that paraded in front of me. After about twenty minutes, Laran caught up with me.
“Hey, sorry ‘bout that. Eloise was being Eloise, so she wanted a heart to heart. Long story short she’s happy fer us and you now got the Eloise seal of approval, so there’s that fer ya. You feel accomplished?”
I laughed, stood, and stretched. “Glad to hear it - Eloise must be an excellent judge of character.”
Laran rolled his eyes and together we continued on to the glassblowers. We spoke with an apprentice about what we wanted. Given that it would be a custom order, the apprentice scurried back to get the master craftsman. It took him a solid forty five minutes - the master must have been working on something - but eventually a stocky shadeling emerged from the back of the shop. He heard us out, took some measurements of the device with a pair of marked calipers, and told us to check back in after three days. We paid him half up front and, with that done, suddenly found that it was time to go to my parents’ house.
Between the various delays, both expected and unexpected, we were getting hungry as we picked through Eightside on the way to my parents’ place. Laran was confident he knew where we were going and sure enough, he led us true. For a brief moment I felt strange standing on the door of my parents’ house. It felt like the first time I returned home from living at the dorms for college - I was entering a place that wasn’t my home but which was my parents’.
The strength of the feeling surprised me. Sure I hadn’t managed to move out from my parents’ home after college - many my age didn’t, and I actually got along with them so I hadn’t been in a hurry - but it wasn’t like I hadn’t been living in my own house for months now. Apparently there was enough of the old Aiden left to feel weird however. Laran noticed my hesitation and raised an eyebrow in question. I shook my head slightly, indicating to him that it was nothing, and raised my hand to knock.
Shortly after I finished knocking, I heard my mom’s voice call out, muffled from being deep in the house.
“Dear could you get that? I’ve got my hands full.”
Soon enough, Dad opened the door. It was still just a little weird seeing him as a dwarf - his face looked mostly the same, except he was more hairy and obviously he was much shorter. His face lit up when he saw Laran and I however, and that same midwestern earnestness he had on Earth bubbled up to the surface immediately.
“Tilda! Get in here! Aiden’s home! And Laran’s with him!”
I heard a clattering of metal as Mom hurriedly finished up what she was working on. While we waited, Dad took it in turns to hug both of us. Before he could launch into questions about how we were doing, however, Mom arrived in the room and had to take her turn at giving us hugs. I noticed she was wearing a heavy leather jerkin over smudged and loose-fitting clothes.
“Come in come in! It’s so good to see you two! If you give me a minute I can clean up - Tom, entertain for me okay?”
With that she jetted off deeper into the house. Something about the way she moved did strike me as particularly cat-like - maybe it was the way her limbs almost seemed to be moving faster than she could exactly control. With Mom gone and Dad ushering us to some seats in a small sitting room, I took a moment to take in the house.
It was small, though houses in Eightside were all very small compared to what I considered average as an American on Earth. However it seemed sturdy enough - I could see large lumber beams exposed on the ceiling. Mom probably loved that - one time we had all gone to England and she had kept gushing about how cute this one cottage house we had stayed in had been.
If only they’d known that soon that would be their norm. Part of me wondered how they would have reacted. Frankly, they’d have probably not believed a word of things, which did make sense. Up until we woke up in Tal, we didn’t have any idea about the existence of other life besides that which lived on Earth.
At the front of the sitting room, there was a small punch-out seat in a half-hexagon which stuck out from the rest of the wall. I saw Dad’s instrument laying at rest on the window seat - maybe he used it as a practice space? I could tell they were recently moved in, as everything was just a little too orderly, but already this place was starting to feel fitting for them.
I hoped they could make a life here like I had been making a life for myself.
Mom joined us shortly, having changed and let her hair down from the ponytail it had been up in. Her tail - I was still getting used to that - swung back and forth in large, fluid motions as she hugged us. She smelled of metal - it was the sort of smell I’d associate with a car garage, but somehow nicer - and apologized for not being properly cleaned up but I don’t think Laran or I cared.
With both parents present, Laran and I weathered the absolute blitz of questions we received. Obviously I couldn’t put everything that had happened in my letters, so we did have some catching up to do. In turn, we asked them how they were doing, and everything seemed to be fine enough. Eventually, however, the conversation took the turn I knew it was almost fated to take. It was Dad who brought it up.
“So how are you two doing? You know, romantically and the like? Is that going good?”
I felt a little embarrassed - Dad could be so direct at times - and was thankful that Mom gave us an out.
“Come on Dear, don’t you think that’s a little blunt? You’re really putting them on the spot - Honey, you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”
I could hear from her tone of voice that Mom was also curious about how things were going. I took a second to marshal my thoughts, only for Laran to completely beat me to the punch.
“Things’re going great! It took a bit to get used to livin’ together an’ all - also the fact we’re in business and I do the money stuff - but I think we handled it. Plus yer son’s real nice to me.”
I looked at Laran’s face. There was no trace of anything except complete sincerity - he didn’t seem to just try to be talking me up. I pondered for a second how to add on to that and finally came to a wording I was happy with.
“Yeah, things are going well. Running the group has been much lighter as a team, and I think we compliment each other well.”
Mom let out a short peal of laughter.
“I swear, with the way you talk about teamwork and complimentary skills, I don’t think there’s a better pick in the world for someone to be a Commander. I take your meaning though - I’m glad things are going well Sweetie.”
“Yeah, same from me,” Dad said. “A good relationship is definitely a good team - knowing what needs doing when, what you’re good at and what your partner’s good at, and knowing when to not care about that and just doing something anyway. I’m glad to hear you two talk that way.”
“Speaking of teamwork…” Mom began. I immediately noticed a change of her tone which made me pay attention. Laran must have picked it up too, as he leaned forward in his chair. Mom paused, seemingly searching in her mind for the words for a moment, then plunged on. “Well, let’s just say we may be adding someone new to the team.”
It took me a moment to puzzle out what they meant. Had Mom and Dad gone polyamorous? That’d take some getting used to, but I was pretty sure I could deal with it. Or was Mom pregnant? I looked at Mom, and the way her hand fluttered to her stomach answered my question for me. My mouth dropped open.
“Wait, so you’re… Baby?”
Mom giggled a little, her face turning a few shades of red. Her reply was simple. “Yes. Baby.”
Laran looked ecstatic and Dad was grinning like a loon. I could see Mom beaming too. I felt excited and confused and worried and like my world was crumbling and like everything was new at the same time. I stumbled badly over my words.
“But… How? When?”
Dad cut in. “Well, apparently coming to Tal and getting a new body might have… unsnipped a few things which used to be snipped.”
Dad.
“And we weren’t exactly planning for it but we weren’t exactly trying to avoid it…”
DAD.
“Plus I swear since coming here I’ve been on your mom like catnip - pun intended - and-”
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
Dad blathered on a little longer while I sat there, shocked. A goofy smile was plastered over my face. I was going to be a big brother.
Dad liked catgirls.
No, don’t think about that, focus instead on the fact that I was going to be a big brother.
Out of nowhere, I started to tear up. This immediately got Mom crying, which sniped Dad, and soon all three of us were huddled together, hugging and crying and relishing the news. Laran stood to the side, unsure of what to do with himself, until Mom pulled him in. I had my arm over him, and he was grinning too. We stayed like that for a while, a small moment of eternity that I swore I’d always carry with me. Eventually though, the group hug broke and we all pulled back.
“Anyone else know? Mom n’ Dad?” asked Laran. Mom shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes.
“No, we wanted to tell Aiden first. Though it’s not supposed to be a secret. By the way, you have good timing. We were going to send a letter and ask you to visit here soon, but apparently you beat us to the punch. Maybe that means this baby was meant to be.”
I was still a little numb from the news. My mind swirled with half-formed thoughts as Mom, Dad, and Laran continued to talk about things. I was seated next to Mom and she was holding my hand, gently stroking the back of my palm with her thumb. She was quiet but smiling. I realized I had completely forgotten to even mention the present we had gotten Mom and Dad yet, but in that moment I didn't think it mattered. I'd say it later - there was something much more important to think on.
I was going to be a big brother.
Elsewhere: The lake was behind her, but it did nothing to stop the maddening pain. Even though it was gone, it could still be felt, nestled like an egg in some far off corner of her brain. Had it been physical she could have pecked it apart or drowned it in the deeps, but this pain was in her mind. She had tried many things over the years to quiet it, but it had always remained. Now that she had acknowledged it, the pain had grown like a wildfire tearing through savannah bush - the kindling had been present and dried, and all that had been needed was the spark. Now the pain burned in her gently but insistently, keeping her warm as it licked at her insides. Quiet, still and quiet. Maybe if she could make everything still, maybe if she could douse it all in deep, dark waters, then the fire would go out and she could stop the pain.
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(23M)
Basically what the title says. I have been through therapy, I am taking meds, all for the sake of bettering myself as a human being. A few years ago I made a crucial mistake. Let's just say it's something I can go to jail for. No I did not kill anyone.
Ever since then, I have done everything possible to better my image. I go out more, I eat healthier, I went to therapy, I take anti depressants. And yet, no matter how much I try to change, people never stick around me.
I was bullied in my childhood, meaning I had no friends because, yeah, in the first grade, the entire school was against me. So I had zero friends. After I finished the 9th grade, things looked up for me. I went to high school and managed to make friends. And... I never wanted to lose them. And yet I did anyway.
I am abandoned all the time. I do my absolute best to be the best friend to people. I listen to them, give them some "wisdom" when needed, sometimes putting my own needs before my own. I know I shouldn't, but I don't do it all the time And still, if something goes right in their life, or if they befriend someone new, I am replaced, forgotten, thrown into a dark closet and never taken out again.
I don't mind that my friends make new friends. I'm happy for them in fact! But we live in an age of the internet. Would it absolutely kill you to at least write from time to time?
To me, my friends and loved ones are the most important thing. Their smiles are something I want to see. I care deeply about them. And yet, they abandon me. All the time.
I could be stuck in a hospital after an accident, and still, believe me, no one would show up.
It's my own anxiety. I fear losing friends and it happens over and over and over again. Just last summer, when my good friend got a boyfriend, they even got a house together and are living together right now. I was in Turkey on vacation at the time, and Indecided to bring her some sweets, like a housewarming gift. So I twxted her after I got back and said I'd like to visit, check out the house and check how the two of them are doing. I was nothing but supportive. But after I asked, she got SO offended that after a week, she blocks me and refuses to have any contact with me, JUST because she fears that talking to me will ruin her relationship and life with her boyfriend, which is something I had no intent on doing. She had problems with self image and stuff like that, I always tried to comfort her. And then she got herself a boyfriend and now feels like I do not matter in the slightest.
I don't deserve my girlfriend at all either. She has problems of her own, and all I do is try to get her attention. I support her and eveything she does, but... sometimes it feels like I am losing her as well. Which I know is not true. She has been by me for 6 years, and she has no intent on leaving.
I don't know... I may have to seek out therapy again. I cannot bear to be alone. Does not matter where I go, I won't have friends. They all abandon me. But at the same time, I have grown so used to it that it doesn't hurt. The thing that hurts is the fact that I have grown used to being alone.
My mental health is so damaged from my childhood that I doubt I'll ever recover properly. I will go to therapy. But I doubt that fear will ever go away.
Anyway, thanks to whoever read this all the way through. I know it's confusing, but I had to vent. If you have some sort of input, then feel free to say them.

My Aunt [57] (my Mom's sister) was killed last May by her fiancé. She was my Mom's best friend. She lived in CA and we live in TX, but they literally talked at least twice a day. I feel so terrible for my Mom, she has nightmares almost every night now. We talk about how she feels and how she's doing, but I cannot bring myself to tell her that it tears me up inside. I feel like that would be selfish. I really do wish I had someone to talk to though because these feelings are incredibly difficult to deal with alone. My Aunt was such an amazing and selfless woman. She was a mama bear to every person she knew. She literally died taking a bullet for her son, my cousin. It is so hard to think about her and know I will never see her again, never hear her sweet voice again, never give her a hug again. Her hugs were the best and always made everything better. She has 7 children (3 of which are minors). I can't even imagine what my cousins must be feeling. That's another reason I hate to talk about how hard losing her has been for me. They literally lost their mother. I think about her every day. And almost lose it every day. Just before writing this I saw a poem by Colleen Hoover: "There was before you and there was during you. For some reason, I never thought there would be an after you. But there was, and I was in it. I'll be in it forever." This hit me especially hard because of the new year. I had wanted to have her visit and show her my first ever apartment, which she helped furnish with a generous housewarming gift and lots of great ideas. But I can't. Please pray for me and for my family. Thanks for reading.

I (19F) befriended an older gentleman (64M) from work around August of 2023. Whenever we see each other we stop to talk, if we can’t (we’re busy going somewhere or talking to our bosses/colleagues) we smile or wave at each other as we pass by. I occasionally stop by his office after I clock out to chat with him for a while, he occasionally stops by my department to chat, he lets me know when he won’t be at work. I really enjoy and appreciate our talks, he offers a lot of perspective on things and he gives me advice a lot.
Whenever I moved out of my parents house he gave me homemade jam as a housewarming gift. When he was waiting to have cataract surgery I gave him a worry stone. A couple weeks before Christmas he got me a cute book, a couple days before Christmas I got him a book based on his favorite comic strip and after Christmas he gave me an ornament he made and told me someday I can tell my kids some old man I can’t remember anymore gave it to me. My point is we’ve given each other things before and I appreciate the support he’s shown me.
His birthday is coming up next week and I wanted to get him something that wasn’t over the top so I’ve been trying to paint him a homemade birthday card. I love love love making things for people I care about, I love giving things to people I care about so I’ve been excited about making this card until recently. I started thinking about what I’d write in it and now I’m worried about what I’m gonna say and how it’ll come off; I don’t just want to write “happy birthday”, I always go all out with cards and write about how much I love and value whoever the card is for but I don’t want to possibly make him uncomfortable. Last week I asked him if he had any plans for his birthday and he said no, that he told his family he didn’t want anything and that he feels weird receiving things. I don’t want to make him feel weird and I’m worried I might have already with the things I’ve given him in the past.
I want to get across just how much he means to me and what he’s done for me but I’m worried it’ll push him away.
Given the context, would it be weird for me to give him a homemade birthday card? Should I not give him anything at all? I’d feel awful

I (19F) befriended an older gentleman (64M) from work around August of 2023. Whenever we see each other we stop to talk, if we can’t (we’re busy going somewhere or talking to our bosses/colleagues) we smile or wave at each other as we pass by. I occasionally stop by his office after I clock out to chat with him for a while, he occasionally stops by my department to chat, he lets me know when he won’t be at work. I really enjoy and appreciate our talks, he offers a lot of perspective on things and he gives me advice a lot.
Whenever I moved out of my parents house he gave me homemade jam as a housewarming gift. When he was waiting to have cataract surgery I gave him a worry stone. A couple weeks before Christmas he got me a cute book, a couple days before Christmas I got him a book based on his favorite comic strip and after Christmas he gave me an ornament he made and told me someday I can tell my kids some old man I can’t remember anymore gave it to me. My point is we’ve given each other things before and I appreciate the support he’s shown me.
His birthday is coming up next week and I wanted to get him something that wasn’t over the top so I’ve been trying to paint him a homemade birthday card. I love love love making things for people I care about, I love giving things to people I care about so I’ve been excited about making this card until recently. I started thinking about what I’d write in it and now I’m worried about what I’m gonna say and how it’ll come off; I don’t just want to write “happy birthday”, I always go all out with cards and write about how much I love and value whoever the card is for but I don’t want to possibly make him uncomfortable. Last week I asked him if he had any plans for his birthday and he said no, that he told his family he didn’t want anything and that he feels weird receiving things. I don’t want to make him feel weird and I’m worried I might have already with the things I’ve given him in the past.
I want to get across just how much he means to me and what he’s done for me but I’m worried it’ll push him away.
Given the context, would it be weird for me to give him a homemade birthday card? Should I not give him anything at all? I’d feel awful