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Finding Me 23. Elevate and Dominate 24. Only Say Good Things 25. The Hiding Place 27. Exposed 28. Counting the Cost 29. A Child Called 'It' 30. Never Leave the Dogs Behind 31. Educated 32. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 33. Kitchen Confidential 34. Mostly What God Does 35. Night 36. The Many Lives of Mama Love (Oprah's Book Club) 38. Trace of Doubt 39. Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter 40. Becoming 41. The Light We Carry 42. Chaos 44. Going Infinite 45. Untamed 46. Reality Check: Making the Best of The Situation 47. The Devil in the White City The Amish Wife Audiobook By Gregg Olsen cover art 48. The Amish Wife 49. Crying in H Mart 50. Scars and Stripes 51. Steve Jobs 52. The In-Between 53. Astor 54. American Prometheus 55. The Cases That Haunt Us 56. The Republic of Pirates 57. In Cold Blood 58. Tuesdays with Morrie 59. Vanderbilt 60. Leslie F*cking Jones 61. Deputy Mayor Putin 62. The Mysterious Case of Rudolf Diesel 63. Down the Rabbit Hole 64. In Pieces 65. Elvis and Me 66. Poor Charlie’s Almanack 67. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil 68. The Storyteller: Expanded 69. Meghan and Harry 70. Shoe Dog 71. Tears of the Silenced 72. Five Families 73. The Wisdom of the Bullfrog 74. My Effin' Life 75. Among the Bros 76. Making It So From the Streets to the Suites Audiobook By Snoop Dogg cover art 77. From the Streets to the Suites Words + Music Vol. 36 By: Snoop Dogg Series: Words + Music Add to Library 78. Mindhunter 79. What My Bones Know Will Audiobook By Will Smith, Mark Manson cover art 80. Will By: Will Smith, Mark Manson If You Would Have Told Me Audiobook By John Stamos cover art 81. If You Would Have Told Me By: John Stamos Thicker than Water Audiobook By Kerry Washington cover art 82. Thicker than Water By: Kerry Washington Worthy Audiobook By Jada Pinkett Smith cover art 83. Worthy By: Jada Pinkett Smith Leonardo da Vinci Audiobook By Walter Isaacson cover art 84. Leonardo da Vinci 85. Napoleon 86. The Splendid and the Vile 87. Einstein 88. When Breath Becomes Air 89. The Surrender Experiment 90. How to Change Your Mind 91. I Did a New Thing 92. Being Henry You Owe You Audiobook By Eric Thomas PhD, Chris Paul - foreword cover art 93. You Owe You Ignite Your Power, Your Purpose, and Your Why By: Eric Thomas PhD, Chris Paul - foreword 94. The Exvangelicals 95. The Power Broker 96. On Writing 97. Grant Enough Audiobook By Cassidy Hutchinson cover art 98. Enough By: Cassidy Hutchinson Down the Drain Audiobook By Julia Fox cover art 99. Down the Drain By: Julia Fox 100. Churchill

It is a very common thing, in my experience, to find papers shut up in old books; but one of the rarest things to come across any such that are at all interesting. Still it does happen, and one should never destroy them unlooked at. Now it was a practice of mine before the war occasionally to buy old ledgers of which the paper was good, and which possessed a good many blank leaves, and to extract these and use them for my own notes and writings. One such I purchased for a small sum in 1911. It was tightly clasped, and its boards were warped by having for years been obliged to embrace a number of extraneous sheets. Three-quarters of this inserted matter had lost all vestige of importance for any living human being: one bundle had not. That it belonged to a lawyer is certain, for it is endorsed: The strangest case I have yet met, and bears initials, and an address in Gray's Inn. It is only materials for a case, and consists of statements by possible witnesses. The man who would have been the defendant or prisoner seems never to have appeared. The dossier is not complete, but, such as it is, it furnishes a riddle in which the supernatural appears to play a part. You must see what you can make of it. The following is the setting and the tale as I elicit it. The scene is Islington in 1718, and the time the month of June: a countrified place, therefore, and a pleasant season. Dr. Abell was walking in his garden one afternoon waiting for his horse to be brought round that he might set out on his visits for the day. To him entered his confidential servant, Luke Jennett, who had been with him twenty years. "I said I wished to speak to him, and what I had to say might take some quarter of an hour. He accordingly bade me go into his study, which was a room opening on the terrace path where he was walking, and came in himself and sat down. I told him that, much against my will, I must look out for another place. He inquired what was my reason, in consideration I had been so long with him. I said if he would excuse me he would do me a great kindness, because (this appears to have been common form even in 1718) I was one that always liked to have everything pleasant about me. As well as I can remember, he said that was his case likewise, but he would wish to know why I should change my mind after so many years, and, says he, 'you know there can be no talk of a remembrance of you in my will if you leave my service now.' I said I had made my reckoning of that. "'Then,' says he, 'you must have some complaint to make, and if I could I would willingly set it right.' And at that I told him, not seeing how I could keep it back, the matter of my former affidavit and of the bedstaff in the dispensing-room, and said that a house where such things happened was no place for me. At which he, looking very black upon me, said no more, but called me fool, and said he would pay what was owing me in the morning; and so, his horse being waiting, went out. So for that night I lodged with my sister's husband near Battle Bridge and came early next morning to my late master, who then made a great matter that I had not lain in his house and stopped a crown out of my wages owing. "After that I took service here and there, not for long at a time, and saw no more of him till I came to be Dr. Quinn's man at Dodds Hall in Islington." There is one very obscure part in this statement—namely, the reference to the former affidavit and the matter of the bedstaff. The former affidavit is not in the bundle of papers. It is to be feared that it was taken out to be read because of its special oddity, and not put back. Of what nature the story was may be guessed later, but as yet no clue has been put into our hands. The Rector of Islington, Jonathan Pratt, is the next to step forward. He furnishes particulars of the standing and reputation of Dr. Abell and Dr. Quinn, both of whom lived and practised in his parish. "It is not to be supposed," he says, "that a physician should be a regular attendant at morning and evening prayers, or at the Wednesday lectures, but within the measure of their ability I would say that both these persons fulfilled their obligations as loyal members of the Church of England. At the same time (as you desire my private mind) I must say, in the language of the schools, distinguo. Dr. A. was to me a source of perplexity, Dr. Q. to my eye a plain, honest believer, not inquiring over closely into points of belief, but squaring his practice to what lights he had. The other interested himself in questions to which Providence, as I hold, designs no answer to be given us in this state: he would ask me, for example, what place I believed those beings now to hold in the scheme of creation which by some are thought neither to have stood fast when the rebel angels fell, nor to have joined with them to the full pitch of their transgression. "As was suitable, my first answer to him was a question, What warrant he had for supposing any such beings to exist? for that there was none in Scripture I took it he was aware. It appeared—for as I am on the subject, the whole tale may be given—that he grounded himself on such passages as that of the satyr which Jerome tells us conversed with Antony; but thought too that some parts of Scripture might be cited in support. 'And besides,' said he, 'you know 'tis the universal belief among those that spend their days and nights abroad, and I would add that if your calling took you so continuously as it does me about the country lanes by night, you might not be so surprised as I see you to be by my suggestion.' 'You are then of John Milton's mind,' I said, 'and hold that Millions of spiritual creatures walk the earth Unseen, both when we wake and when we sleep.' "'I do not know,' he said, 'why Milton should take upon himself to say "unseen"; though to be sure he was blind when he wrote that. But for the rest, why, yes, I think he was in the right.' 'Well,' I said, 'though not so often as you, I am not seldom called abroad pretty late; but I have no mind of meeting a satyr in our Islington lanes in all the years I have been here; and if you have had the better luck, I am sure the Royal Society would be glad to know of it.' "I am reminded of these trifling expressions because Dr. A. took them so ill, stamping out of the room in a huff with some such word as that these high and dry parsons had no eyes but for a prayer-book or a pint of wine. "But this was not the only time that our conversation took a remarkable turn. There was an evening when he came in, at first seeming gay and in good spirits, but afterwards as he sat and smoked by the fire falling into a musing way; out of which to rouse him I said pleasantly that I supposed he had had no meetings of late with his odd friends. A question which did effectually arouse him, for he looked most wildly, and as if scared, upon me, and said, 'You were never there? I did not see you. Who brought you?' And then in a more collected tone, 'What was this about a meeting? I believe I must have been in a doze.' To which I answered that I was thinking of fauns and centaurs in the dark lane, and not of a witches' Sabbath; but it seemed he took it differently. Well,' said he, 'I can plead guilty to neither; but I find you very much more of a sceptic than becomes your cloth. If you care to know about the dark lane you might do worse than ask my housekeeper that lived at the other end of it when she was a child.' 'Yes,' said I, 'and the old women in the almshouse and the children in the kennel. If I were you, I would send to your brother Quinn for a bolus to clear your brain.' 'Damn Quinn,' says he; 'talk no more of him: he has embezzled four of my best patients this month; I believe it is that cursed man of his, Jennett, that used to be with me, his tongue is never still; it should be nailed to the pillory if he had his deserts.' This, I may say, was the only time of his showing me that he had any grudge against either Dr. Quinn or Jennett, and as was my business, I did my best to persuade him he was mistaken in them. Yet it could not be denied that some respectable families in the parish had given him the cold shoulder, and for no reason that they were willing to allege. The end was that he said he had not done so ill at Islington but that he could afford to live at ease elsewhere when he chose, and anyhow he bore Dr. Quinn no malice. I think I now remember what observation of mine drew him into the train of thought which he next pursued. It was, I believe, my mentioning some juggling tricks which my brother in the East Indies had seen at the court of the Rajah of Mysore. 'A convenient thing enough,' said Dr. Abell to me, 'if by some arrangement a man could get the power of communicating motion and energy to inanimate objects.' 'As if the axe should move itself against him that lifts it; something of that kind?' 'Well, I don't know that that was in my mind so much; but if you could summon such a volume from your shelf or even order it to open at the right page.' "He was sitting by the fire—it was a cold evening—and stretched out his hand that way, and just then the fire-irons, or at least the poker, fell over towards him with a great clatter, and I did not hear what else he said. But I told him that I could not easily conceive of an arrangement, as he called it, of such a kind that would not include as one of its conditions a heavier payment than any Christian would care to make; to which he assented. 'But,' he said, 'I have no doubt these bargains can be made very tempting, very persuasive. Still, you would not favour them, eh, Doctor? No, I suppose not.' "This is as much as I know of Dr. Abell's mind, and the feeling between these men. Dr. Quinn, as I said, was a plain, honest creature, and a man to whom I would have gone—indeed I have before now gone to him—for advice on matters of business. He was, however, every now and again, and particularly of late, not exempt from troublesome fancies. There was certainly a time when he was so much harassed by his dreams that he could not keep them to himself, but would tell them to his acquaintances and among them to me. I was at supper at his house, and he was not inclined to let me leave him at my usual time. 'If you go,' he said, 'there will be nothing for it but I must go to bed and dream of the chrysalis.' 'You might be worse off,' said I. 'I do not think it,' he said, and he shook himself like a man who is displeased with the complexion of his thoughts. 'I only meant,' said I, 'that a chrysalis is an innocent thing.' 'This one is not,' he said, 'and I do not care to think of it.' "However, sooner than lose my company he was fain to tell me (for I pressed him) that this was a dream which had come to him several times of late, and even more than once in a night. It was to this effect, that he seemed to himself to wake under an extreme compulsion to rise and go out of doors. So he would dress himself and go down to his garden door. By the door there stood a spade which he must take, and go out into the garden, and at a particular place in the shrubbery, somewhat clear, and upon which the moon shone (for there was always in his dream a full moon), he would feel himself forced to dig. And after some time the spade would uncover something light-coloured, which he would perceive to be a stuff, linen or woollen, and this he must clear with his hands. It was always the same: of the size of a man and shaped like the chrysalis of a moth, with the folds showing a promise of an opening at one end. "He could not describe how gladly he would have left all at this stage and run to the house, but he must not escape so easily. So with many groans, and knowing only too well what to expect, he parted these folds of stuff, or, as it sometimes seemed to be, membrane, and disclosed a head covered with a smooth pink skin, which breaking as the creature stirred, showed him his own face in a state of death. The telling of this so much disturbed him that I was forced out of mere compassion to sit with him the greater part of the night and talk with him upon indifferent subjects. He said that upon every recurrence of this dream he woke and found himself, as it were, fighting for his breath." Another extract from Luke Jennett's long continuous statement comes in at this point. "I never told tales of my master, Dr. Abell, to anybody in the neighbourhood. When I was in another service I remember to have spoken to my fellow-servants about the matter of the bedstaff, but I am sure I never said either I or he were the persons concerned, and it met with so little credit that I was affronted and thought best to keep it to myself. And when I came back to Islington and found Dr. Abell still there, who I was told had left the parish, I was clear that it behoved me to use great discretion, for indeed I was afraid of the man, and it is certain I was no party to spreading any ill report of him. My master, Dr. Quinn, was a very just, honest man, and no maker of mischief. I am sure he never stirred a finger nor said a word by way of inducement to a soul to make them leave going to Dr. Abell and come to him; nay, he would hardly be persuaded to attend them that came, until he was convinced that if he did not they would send into the town for a physician rather than do as they had hitherto done. "I believe it may be proved that Dr. Abell came into my master's house more than once. We had a new chambermaid out of Hertfordshire, and she asked me who was the gentleman that was looking after the master, that is Dr. Quinn, when he was out, and seemed so disappointed that he was out. She said whoever he was he knew the way of the house well, running at once into the study and then into the dispensing-room, and last into the bedchamber. I made her tell me what he was like, and what she said was suitable enough to Dr. Abell; but besides she told me she saw the same man at church, and someone told her that was the Doctor. "It was just after this that my master began to have his bad nights, and complained to me and other persons, and in particular what discomfort he suffered from his pillow and bed-clothes. He said he must buy some to suit him, and should do his own marketing. And accordingly brought home a parcel which he said was of the right quality, but where he bought it we had then no knowledge, only they were marked in thread with a coronet and a bird. The women said they were of a sort not commonly met with and very fine, and my master said they were the comfortablest he ever used, and he slept now both soft and deep. Also the feather pillows were the best sorted and his head would sink into them as if they were a cloud: which I have myself remarked several times when I came to wake him of a morning, his face being almost hid by the pillow closing over it. "I had never any communication with Dr. Abell after I came back to Islington, but one day when he passed me in the street and asked me whether I was not looking for another service, to which I answered I was very well suited where I was, but he said I was a tickleminded fellow and he doubted not he should soon hear I was on the world again, which indeed proved true." Dr. Pratt is next taken up where he left off. "On the 16th I was called up out of my bed soon after it was light—that is about five—with a message that Dr. Quinn was dead or dying. Making my way to his house I found there was no doubt which was the truth. All the persons in the house except the one that let me in were already in his chamber and standing about his bed, but none touching him. He was stretched in the midst of the bed, on his back, without any disorder, and indeed had the appearance of one ready laid out for burial. His hands, I think, were even crossed on his breast. The only thing not usual was that nothing was to be seen of his face, the two ends of the pillow or bolster appearing to be closed quite over it. These I immediately pulled apart, at the same time rebuking those present, and especially the man, for not at once coming to the assistance of his master. He, however, only looked at me and shook his head, having evidently no more hope than myself that there was anything but a corpse before us. "Indeed it was plain to anyone possessed of the least experience that he was not only dead, but had died of suffocation. Nor could it be conceived that his death was accidentally caused by the mere folding of the pillow over his face. How should he not, feeling the oppression, have lifted his hands to put it away? whereas not a fold of the sheet which was closely gathered about him, as I now observed, was disordered. The next thing was to procure a physician. I had bethought me of this on leaving my house, and sent on the messenger who had come to me to Dr. Abell; but I now heard that he was away from home, and the nearest surgeon was got, who, however, could tell no more, at least without opening the body, than we already knew. "As to any person entering the room with evil purpose (which was the next point to be cleared), it was visible that the bolts of the door were burst from their stanchions, and the stanchions broken away from the door-post by main force; and there was a sufficient body of witness, the smith among them, to testify that this had been done but a few minutes before I came. The chamber being, moreover, at the top of the house, the window was neither easy of access nor did it show any sign of an exit made that way, either by marks upon the sill or footprints below upon soft mould." The surgeon's evidence forms of course part of the report of the inquest, but since it has nothing but remarks upon the healthy state of the larger organs and the coagulation of blood in various parts of the body, it need not be reproduced. The verdict was "Death by the visitation of God." Annexed to the other papers is one which I was at first inclined to suppose had made its way among them by mistake. Upon further consideration I think I can divine a reason for its presence. It relates to the rifling of a mausoleum in Middlesex which stood in a park (now broken up), the property of a noble family which I will not name. The outrage was not that of an ordinary resurrection man. The object, it seemed likely, was theft. The account is blunt and terrible. I shall not quote it. A dealer in the North of London suffered heavy penalties as a receiver of stolen goods in connexion with the affair.

I think Jennette McCurdy is absolutely right for her to be upset with her mother for manipulating her, abusing her and taking advantage of her in her childhood. But I think that as a result of her mother being diagnosed with cancer again and that meant that Jennette separated a little from her, from that moment on the decisions that Jennette makes are her own decisions, blaming those decisions on her mother I think which is getting rid of responsibility because from that moment Jennette makes a lot of bad decisions, a lot of decisions that made her life worse, but they were her decisions.
I have doubts if the nutritional control that Jennette does in her childhood with the control of her mother can be considered anorexia, I think it is simply a control not to gain weight (Jennette has papers thanks, among other things, to her image) but from there to Calling it anorexia may be excessive, although I may be wrong.
It is Jennette who decides to move on to bulimia and try to maintain her weight.
I don't quite understand why Jennette, before the book, commented that she started going to therapy advised by her sister-in-law, while in the book she says that she is advised by her boyfriend.
I don't understand the commotion over Dan Schneider, what Jennette says in the book is nothing to write home about, that once she touched his knee and gave her a little massage on her shoulders. The swimwear photo shoot is something that Dan Schneider requested, but he wasn't present at the photo shoot. And what I do see as a bit serious is when he offers her a drink with alcohol when she is 18 years old (21 is the age when they can start drinking alcohol in the USA) That they offered her $300,000 not to mention her relationship with Nickelodeon, or took them, or offer him that so that he would not tell what he has told, it seems to me a very, very generous offer. It is possible that Jennette has much more to say about Dan Schneider, but that she has preferred to keep quiet so as not to have legal problems with him. I remember that on her day she blamed her mother for having put her in the hands of a pedophile, if so, surely there is much more to tell.
Before the book was published, when Jennette talked about her mother bathing her until she was 17 and doing inspections of her private area, it sounded like she was saying that her mother wanted to make sure Jennette wasn't having sex with anyone, however, in the book what he says is that he did it to check that he did not have cancer.
Jennette speaks as a trauma of her kiss with Nathan (Fredy Benson) 7 kisses (7 takes) nothing more nothing less, I think it's something that all child actors who have had to shoot a kiss have had to go through .
Is Colton Tran gay, or is this another of the things that Jennette has changed in her book? Because I've seen Colton, at least a couple of times, doing things with Jennette that aren't very gay (in a video on dancing together, Jennette in a black dress and black stockings, Colton puts his hand up her skirt to touch Jennette's intimate area, and in the video where Jennette's tit comes out when she jumps so that the take Colton, he sniffs Jennette's intimate area, this last video is out of circulation, it seems that Jennette put a lot of effort into making this happen.
When Jennette started talking about her eating disorder, she didn't talk about alcohol or smoking, she did it later, why doesn't she say anything about smoking in the book?
Jennette has always tried to make us believe that the cancellation of Sam and Cat was her and Ariana's decision, now in the book it says that it was the Nickelodeon channel that canceled the series, maybe the rumors that they canceled because they did not get along Jennette and Ariana, for the photos of Jennette in lingerie, because it became very difficult to work with Jennette as a result of the death of her mother, be true, in fact, Jennette admits that she did not put much interest in the recording of this series.
I just can't believe that Jennette hates acting so much, has nothing been noticed in so many years? Not only in their performances, which can always do all the necessary shots, but in galas, interviews, promotions... the most I have detected in Jennette is that she is much more shy than she sometimes appears, but seriously, she describes a gala as presenter with Jonas, that if you see the video and it is true that at that moment she felt what she felt… her performance is an Oscar for best actress.
Jennette may still be making bad decisions to this day:
• For her, Colton Tran is still a great friend, I don't think Colton has behaved like a great friend of Jennette on some occasions. Let's remember that it was with Colton that she started drinking (one of the worst decisions Jennette has made) it was Colton who left her alone with the boy who made her lose her virginity (the three of them were together at a party and they left together and with Jennette practically senseless, Colton agrees that he stays at his house and the other boy goes alone to leave Jennette at his), and the other boy takes advantage of being alone with Jennette to have sex with her in what could be consider a violation, let's remember that the sexual relationship begins with Jennette being practically senseless, when she notices that something is happening, she asks and the boy's answer is that he is having sex with her, and Jennette reacts by saying no, although in the end she ends up accepting, that, according to the current legislation of my country, is a violation.
• I don't understand what Jennette intends by telling her sexual relations in such detail (talking about blowjobs and detailing so much what she did, talking about how she improves with blowjobs, talking about how she gives her last boyfriend the blowjob of his life when he wants stop having sex with her...) I think it's a bit strong that she tells it like that, and in connection with this, I don't understand why she doesn't tell her slip with the photos in lingerie (it may be such a clear case of her bad decision that that's why he didn't want to tell it in the book)
• Jennette keeps saying that she is already recovered from her eating disorder, I don't know if this is possible, and in fact, she seems like she is still losing weight, could she be kidding herself?
• Jennette has stopped acting to the point of leaving her representatives, however, she recently said in an interview that she does not rule out continuing to act, that will be difficult to achieve if she does not have a representative that she looks for papers.
• It may be that Jennette is not taking good care of her fans, many periods of absence on social networks, she only answers people who have bought her book or come to her play, that is, people who contribute money for her, should have more careful, I think that today, her fans are Jennette's greatest asset if she wants to continue living from show business.
Jennette has not known or has not wanted to see the good in her life, not only the fact that she earned a lot of money, but other things such as:
• In the series Icarly (made to show off Miranda) Jennette eats Miranda with potatoes, her character ends up being as important or more than Miranda's, I think that in the last three seasons, the true protagonist-star of Icarly is Sam Puckett.
• When she started with Between, she thinks that series could be the end of her career since it wasn't from Netflix (as she thought at first) well, well, at least there was a second season, I think that can't be classified as a failure.
• In the movie Pet, Jennette plays a fairly secondary character, however, on the movie poster her name appears next to the two protagonists, someone thought that would be good for this movie (by the way, a movie that has obtained some award, at least in my country)
• Jennette has directed several high quality short films, in the book she doesn't talk about them at all, perhaps Jennette should focus more on these good things that have happened in her life and turn the page on all the bad things she has suffered.
• I like it when I see her focused, excited, motivated with her projects, that's the Jennette McCurdy that I like the most.
• I like that lately she has improved her look (both in the way she dresses and in how she wears her beautiful hair), after a time dressing like an old woman (she said so) now she looks more daring, prettier, more confident …and that's good for her.
Jennette seems like a bad boyfriend magnet, or she makes the decision to have bad boyfriends, either unintentionally, or because she's beating herself up to punish herself for making other bad decisions in her life:
• His first real kiss from her, someone you can't even tell he'll ever get out of her with and he's also quite a bit older than her (9 years old)
• Her first boyfriend, someone 13-14 years older than her who takes advantage of her naivety so that (since they don't have intercourse) he at least gives her blowjobs (Jennette's first blowjob, described in the book, and a little later he says that he has improved in giving blowjobs).
• The boy with whom she loses her virginity, someone much taller than her, who does not quite like her and who almost rapes her, not to mention what happened to the half-naked photos of Jennette that were leaked on the internet, but that Jennette considers suitable to be the one she loses her virginity to, what did Jennette want, to find out if colored boys have penises as big as they say?
• The last one, the boyfriend she has during the filming of Between, well, if what was thought to be Jesus Christ is true, I have nothing more to add. That if, a lucky one who received from Jennette the blowjob of her life.
• We don't know what her current boyfriend will be like, she doesn't say anything about him, but I think that, seeing how sickly Jennette appears to be on many current occasions, I think he's a boyfriend who helps her rather little.
In conclusion:
Although I would like to say that I see Jennette recovered and happy (I would be very happy if she were like that) I'm sorry, but I don't think she is like that, I think she has a long way to go for this to be like that.
We have seen Jennette on several occasions eating a hamburger, it may be a joke for those who ask her to do it, but she should eat some healthy meals, fruit, vegetables, fish, legumes and yes, also some meat (which in my country we call the Mediterranean diet)
Maybe Jennette should stop exploiting her misfortunes (it's been at least 4 years between interviews, pod-cash, play and book about her eating disorder and her mother's abuse) and focus on the future, a future that be as happy as possible because after all the misfortunes she has had, Jennette deserves that from now on everything will be happiness in her life.
I hope that once and for all, Jennette knows how to surround herself with the right people who love her, take care of her and help her improve as much as possible, help her have clear goals in life, help her have all that success that she she deserves, help her to be that person that so many fans have in mind, which is Jennette McCurdy.

General
Name: Wendy Roth Monaghan.
Gender: Female
Age: 15
DOB: January 11th
Hometown: Houston, Texas.
Current place of residence: Germany (though prefers to be in Houston)
Appearance: 1 2
Height: 5’2.
Eye Color: Blue with a bit of light grey.
Hair: Dirty blonde hair.
Physique: Slightly skinny, short in stature and is caucasian. Occasionally wears a retainer to keep her teeth in line.
Magic
House: Slytherin
Blood Status: Halfblood
Wand: Pine with a unicorn hair center.
Patronus: A rabbit, though she can't exactly perform the Patronus charm well.
Boggart: Undiscovered.
Personality
Positive Traits: Will stand up for herself and at times, for others. Can go surprisingly well with others, most of the time, so long as they don't annoy her at first. When she does something, she will try to do it perfectly on the first try.
Negative Traits: Stubborn, lazy and often prefers to go do other stuff instead of doing what needs to be done. Exactly like her dad. Is a bit brash with her words, especially when she's provoked into an argument.
Likes: Comfort food, casual clothes, movies, sports cars, the color red, her dad. Fun stuff like parties and festivals, basically anything that'll get her around other people who like to enjoy themselves as much as she does. While her taste in music is everywhere, Wendy has a soft spot for country music.
Dislikes: Smoking, drinking, people trying to impress her with whatever they have, terrible looking cars. She also has a slight dislike of certain types of boys, especially the ones from other rich families, as she always think they're just after her mother's money and not in it for the relationship. But, of course, despite this she still gets crushes on boys from time to time, but hasn't had a boyfriend yet.
Family
Mother: Christina Roth.
Father: Walter Monaghan.
Siblings: None, though she believes she has a younger half brother somewhere in Kansas.
Background
As the daughter of an owner of an auto repair shop from Houston and a fashion designer from Germany (who's coincidentally a witch), Wendy is someone that experiences two very different worlds every six months. In Houston, she often helps her dad run his auto shop/car wash on days when she's not in school. When she's at her mom's home, she's often being brought to these large business meetings that are more like an event for the rich, where she meets all these other boys (or men, which is disgusting) to entertain each other while the business meetings goes on. no that does not mean they're doing the deed, they're just talking
Roleplay
Finally, the recently turned 15 year old is back to the place where she feels more comfortable, second only to her dad's auto repair shop in Houston. Away from all her mom's business meetings where there's always a line of suitors all looking to establish a relationship with her, not because they like her, but because of, you guessed it business.
Someone would definitely argue that they'd like to have a lot of good looking people their age wanting to date her, but it's not fun if they're in it for the business opportunities.
With her bags packed, Wendy gladly makes her way to the dungeons, wanting to meet all the new people here as well as the person she spoke with via penpal.

Bio
Full Name: Wendy Roth Monaghan
Gender: Female
Age: 17
DOB: January 11th
Hometown: Houston, Texas.
Appearance
Height: 5’2.
Eye Color: Blue with a bit of light grey.
Hair: Dirty blonde hair.
Physique: Wendy has changed quite a bit from what she looked like last year. To put it simply, her body has matured. She's, unfortunately, still the same height but has gained a little bit of weight. She's also lessened her use of her retainer, as there was no need for it anymore.
Face Claim: Jennette McCurdy
Magic
House: Slytherin
Blood Status: Halfblood
Wand: Pine with a unicorn hair center.
Patronus: A rabbit, though she can't exactly perform the Patronus charm well. Even it's been already close to two years now since she learned how to do it.
Boggart: A crashed car.
Personality
Positive Traits: Will stand up for herself and at times, for others. Can go surprisingly well with others, most of the time, so long as they don't annoy her at first. When she does something, she will try to do it perfectly on the first try.
Neutral Traits: Carries an aloof attitude, which can lead to being negative at times. She's also a bit of a perfectionist, which, like the former, can also be a bit negative at times.
Negative Traits: Stubborn, lazy and often prefers to go do other stuff instead of doing what needs to be done. Exactly like her dad. Is a bit brash with her words, especially when she's angry. She's prone to hurt other people through her words, and is a bit of a hypocrite.
Likes: Comfort food, casual clothes, movies, sports cars, the color red, her dad. Fun stuff like parties and festivals, basically anything that'll get her around other people who like to enjoy themselves as much as she does. While her taste in music is everywhere, Wendy has a soft spot for country music. Also, Wendy still finds it a little odd now that she's starting to like occasionally drinking a beer or two every now and then.
Dislikes: Smoking, people trying to impress her with whatever they have, terrible looking cars. She also has a slight dislike of certain types of boys, especially the ones from other rich families, as she always think they're just after her mother's money and not in it for the relationship with her.
Family
Mother: Christina Roth.
Father: Walter Monaghan.
Siblings: None, though she believes she has a younger half sibling somewhere around the world.
Background
As the daughter of a car mechanic from Houston and a fashion designer from Germany (who's coincidentally a witch), Wendy is definitely someone that's experienced two very different worlds every six months. In Houston, she often helps her dad run his auto shop/car wash on days when she's not in school. And in Germany, she spends her time with her mother at all these fashion events that she's not quite fond of.
It may be hard working in an auto repair shop, but she enjoys the time she spends with her dad, especially since they go for burgers, cheesy fries and milkshakes out at her dad's favorite fastfood restaurant everything at the end of the week. So much so that that was where her father got her first name.

General
Full Name: Wendy Roth Monaghan.
Gender: Female
Age: 16
DOB: January 11th
Hometown: Houston, Texas.
Appearance
Height: 5’2.
Eye Color: Blue with a bit of light grey.
Hair: Dirty blonde hair.
Physique: Slightly skinny, short in stature and is caucasian. Has a bit of an overbite but isn't too noticeable, thanks to her retainer.
Face Claim: Jennette McCurdy
Magic
House: Slytherin
Blood Status: Halfblood
Wand: Pine with a unicorn hair center.
Patronus: A rabbit, though she can't exactly perform the Patronus charm well.
Boggart: A crashed car.
Personality
Positive Traits: Will stand up for herself and at times, for others. Can go surprisingly well with others, most of the time, so long as they don't annoy her at first. When she does something, she will try to do it perfectly on the first try.
Neutral Traits: Carries an aloof attitude, which can lead to being negative at times. She's also a bit of a perfectionist, which, like the former, can also be a bit negative at times.
Negative Traits: Stubborn, lazy and often prefers to go do other stuff instead of doing what needs to be done. Exactly like her dad. Is a bit brash with her words, especially when she's angry. She's prone to hurt other people through her words, and is a bit of a hypocrite.
Likes: Comfort food, casual clothes, movies, sports cars, the color red, her dad. Fun stuff like parties and festivals, basically anything that'll get her around other people who like to enjoy themselves as much as she does. While her taste in music is everywhere, Wendy has a soft spot for country music.
Dislikes: Smoking, drinking, people trying to impress her with whatever they have, terrible looking cars. She also has a slight dislike of certain types of boys, especially the ones from other rich families, as she always think they're just after her mother's money and not in it for the relationship. But, of course, despite this she still gets crushes on boys, but hasn't had a boyfriend yet.
Family
Mum: Christina Roth.
Dad: Walter Monaghan.
Siblings: None, though she believes she has a younger half brother somewhere in Kansas.
Background
As the daughter of a car mechanic from Houston and a fashion designer from Germany (who's coincidentally a witch), Wendy is definitely someone that's experienced two very different worlds every six months. In Houston, she often helps her dad run his auto shop/car wash on days when she's not in school.
It may be hard work, but she enjoys the time she spends with her dad, especially since they go for burgers, cheesy fries and milkshakes out at her dad's favorite fastfood restaurant everything at the end of the week. So much so that that was where her father got her first name.
When she's in Germany with her mother, Wendy often goes around parties and runways watching models strut around with her mother's designer clothes and see the reactions of the snooty designers gawking at her mother's designs.
During this time she also has to keep suitors away from her, either wanting to get into a relationship with her or to gain direct access to the Roth family's money. Despite her being with her mother she barely gets to spend time with her, as she's always in meetings and on these luxurious parties she gets invited to.
It's quite obvious to see which parent she prefers, but at times she's always found this obvious favoritism troublesome, as her mother and father often have these petty squabbles about who's Wendy's favorite parent, that turns into something else worse. She doesn't like it whenever they do, and often times just hides in her bedroom to avoid the entire three hour argument.
When her mother was given the opportunity to showcase her newest design at the start of the year in England, Wendy was asked (though in her opinion, more like forced) to move with her there. But at least she got to do a really fun party with her friends, as well as enjoy an empty cinema to watch movies with her dad and his relatives before making the move to England.
Roleplay
It's the day after Christmas, and despite everyone getting drunk and messed up after hours of drinking, everyone is still very much in the Christmas spirit. And gratefully Wendy is the same spirits.
While not hanging out with someone at the moment, Wendy's just doing quite fine by herself at the single table inside the Great Hall, enjoying some breakfast while read the letter her dad sent to her just this morning, written in his signature barely readable English.
She's laughing to herself as she reads through her dad's letter, chronicling something about an idiot customer of theirs coming to the wrong auto shop ten miles in the other direction to get his car. At the end of the letter Wendy folds it back into the letter and goes on to continue eating.

Part One
POLICE REPORT CHESAPEAKE POLICE DEPARTMENT
CASE NO.: 17-0358745-00 DATE: 30 JUNE 2017 TIME: 12:03 AM REPORTING OFFICER: DET MAKAIO
VICTIM(S) INFORMATION
NAME: JACOB CHASE RICHARDSON (DOB [REDACTED]) STATUS: DECEASED (HOMICIDE) RACE: NH CAUCASIAN HAIR: BLOND EYES: BROWN HT/WT: 49.5", 62.0 LBS
NAME: EMILY MARIE RICHARDSON (DOB [REDACTED]) STATUS: MISSING RACE: NH CAUCASIAN HAIR: BLOND EYES: HAZEL HT/WT: 66", 155.5 LBS
CASE INFORMATION
ADDRESS OF OCCURRENCE: 605 [REDACTED], CHESAPEAKE, VA 23322 WITNESSES: MICHELLE ANNE KARNS (MISSING) EVIDENCE: SEE ATTACHED EVIDENCE LIST WEAPONS USED: KITCHEN KNIFE (PRESUMED)
INCIDENT DESCRIPTION:
At 11:59 pm Lt. Alexander, Lt. Aaron, Det. Lynch, and I responded to a radio call stating a home had been broken into and that there were two children alone in the home. Upon arrival, we met Mr. Michael Karns who was standing in the middle of the street next to his vehicle. He claimed he had just arrived and had been texting back and forth with his daughter when she told him the lights went out in her home and she stopped responding. His daughter lives across the street from the home we were called to (604 [redacted], Chesapeake, VA 23322). Lt. Alexander and Det. Lynch went to 604 [redacted], and Lt. Aaron and I continued into 605 [redacted]. We entered into the home through the side door which opens into the dining room and kitchen. The glass pane in the door had been shattered, and glass littered the floor inside the kitchen. It appeared as though someone had reached through the door to unlock it. The kitchen was in disarray. All the drawers had been pulled out and emptied onto the floor. The refrigerator was standing open and food had been swept off the shelves. There were two large dog bowls which had been kicked over and dog food and water were all over the floor. Lt. Aaron and I readied our weapons and called out. There was no response.
We moved into the living room where it appeared as though all the family pictures hanging on the wall had been smashed. Some had fallen off the wall. We moved out into the hallway to get to the stairs and saw more smashed pictures and a lamp that had been knocked over. We called out again but there was no answer. We drew our weapons and went upstairs. The first two rooms appeared to be a master bedroom and a sewing room with no apparent damage.
The third bedroom appeared to be a teenage girl's bedroom, with the dresser drawers pulled out and all the clothes dumped on the floor. There was a vanity with a mirror which was smashed, and an apple laptop charger on the desk but no laptop. The closet doors were hanging off the hinges.
The last door at the end of the hall by the window appeared to be a young boy's bedroom. There we found the body of Jacob Richardson. His throat had been cut. He was wearing a pair of Minecraft pajama pants and an oversized Wildcats tshirt. We called for backup, forensics, and an ME before heading back downstairs. On our way out we checked the garage, which appeared secure and unbothered.
We attempted to contact ms. Jennette Richardson, Emily and Jacob's mother, however, we were unable to reach her by phone or text. We were able to reach Mr. Almon Carter, Ms. Richardson's boyfriend, who agreed to meet us at the precinct to give a statement.
Mr. Carter has no power of attorney for Emily, and Emily's father passed away in 2005. As of right now we cannot determine Emily and Jacob's next legal guardians.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POLICE REPORT CHESAPEAKE POLICE DEPARTMENT
CASE NO.: 17-0358745-01 DATE: 30 JUNE 2017 TIME: 12:03 AM REPORTING OFFICER: DET LYNCH
VICTIM(S) INFORMATION
NAME: MICHELLE ANNE KARNS (DOB [REDACTED]) STATUS: MISSING RACE: HISP CAUCASIAN HAIR: BLACK EYES: BROWN HT/WT: 62", 180 LBS
CASE INFORMATION
ADDRESS OF OCCURRENCE: 604 [REDACTED], CHESAPEAKE, VA 23322 WITNESSES: MICHAEL ALAN KARNS EVIDENCE: SEE ATTACHED EVIDENCE LIST WEAPONS USED: UNKNOWN
INCIDENT DESCRIPTION:
At 11:59 pm Lt. Aaron, Lt. Alexander, Det. Makaio, and I responded to a radio call stating a home had been broken into and that there were two children alone in the home. Upon arrival, we met Mr. Michael karns in the street. He said he had just arrived and had been texting back and forth with his daughter when she told him the lights went out in her home and she stopped responding. His daughter lives across the street from the home we were originally called to (604 [redacted], Chesapeake, VA 23322). Lt. Aaron and Det. Makaio went to 605 [redacted], and Lt. Alexander and I went across the street into 604 [redacted].
We entered the home through the front door, which was standing open with a key in the lock on a green and gold wildcats keychain. The keychain had "michelle's house" written across the front in gold sharpie. Mr. Karns confirmed that the key in the lock was the spare house key which Mrs. Karns had given to Emily Richardson. The power had been cut off in the home, so we were using our flashlights to look around. Lt. Alexander asked Mr. Karns where the breaker box was, and Mr. Karns indicated it was in the den. We found the breaker box with the door open, and the main power breaker switched to "off".
Other than the breaker box, the home seemed in order. There was no visible damage or disarray. We moved into the kitchen and saw that the pantry door was open, and the boxes and cans in the pantry were knocked off the shelves and strewn across the floor. There was an iPhone on the floor of the pantry with its screen shattered, which Mr. Karns confirmed to be Michelle's. We checked the rest of the home, however, nothing else seemed out of place. On our way out we also checked the detached garage, which appeared to be secure and unharmed.
Mrs. Karns appeared on the scene shortly after we completed our check of the home. Mrs. Karns asked if they could organize a neighborhood search, and I deflected the question to Lt. Alexander. Mrs. Karns then provided us clothing for our k-9 unit and pictures of both girls. After that we cleared the home for forensics.
Both Mr. and Mrs. Karns came back to the precinct and provided recorded witness statements. They both indicated they could not think of anyone who would have a grudge against them or a preoccupation with either girl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WITNESS STATEMENT CHESAPEAKE POLICE DEPARTMENT
CASE NO.: 17-0358745-00 DATE: 30 JUNE 2017 TIME: 1:24 AM TAKEN BY: DET MAKAIO METHOD: TRANSCRIPTION - RECORDED INTERVIEW
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS, 1:24 AM]
Det. Makaio: Alright Mr. Almond, you've agreed to a recorded interview in lieu of a written statement. Is that correct?
Mr. Carter: I suppose so. I mean, I gotta, right? Not like I got a choice?
Det. Makaio: Sir, like I stated before, if you're uncomfortable with me recording our conversation you are welcome to provide a written statement.
Mr. Carter: No, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'm no good at writing anyway.
Det. Makaio: Okay sir. Alright. Can you please state and spell your full name for the record?
Mr. Carter: Sure, name's Almon Lee Carter, A-L-M-O-N L-E-E C-A-R-T-E-R.
Det. Makaio: I apologize, I've been saying your name wrong this whole time. I'm sorry.
Mr. Carter: No problem, it happens all the time.
Det. Makaio: I know the feeling, no one gets my name right either. [laughs] Alright can you state your date of birth please?
Mr. Carter: Sure, [REDACTED].
Det. Makaio: Valentine's Day.
Mr. Carter: Yessir, though my family never put much stock by frou-frou holidays like that.
Det. Makaio: Of course. And can you tell me your relationship to Emily and Jacob richardson?
Mr. Carter: They're my lady friend's kids. My girlfriend's kids.
Det. Makaio: I see. And how long have you been in a relationship with Mrs. Richardson?
Mr. Carter: Ms.
Det. Makaio: I'm sorry?
Mr. Carter: Ms. Richardson. She don't go by missus anymore, she goes by miz.
Det. Makaio: Apologies. How long have you been in a relationship with Ms. Richardson?
Mr. Carter: About a year and a half now? Give or take a few weeks maybe.
Det. Makaio: So you've been dating for quite some time now, yes?
Mr. Carter: I suppose so.
Det. Makaio: Alright. How well do you know Emily and Jacob Richardson?
Mr. Carter: Not that well to be honest. Jenny didn't spend a lot of time with them so neither did I. Their daddy passed away a few years ago and ever since then she didn't seem all that comfortable around them. Not that she ain't a good mother, mind you, but I think it was painful for her, you know? And she always told me she didn't mix her boyfriends with her kids.
Det. Makaio: Yeah I can understand that.
Mr. Carter: Yeah. Plus Em is a teenage girl, you know how teenage girls are, don't you? You got kids?
Det. Makaio: I have three. 14, 12, and 8.
Mr. Carter: Yeah I got two of my own but they're grown now. 21 and 22. You know how teenagers get. They don't like or care about nothin'.
Det. Makaio: [laughs] Yep.
Mr. Carter: Not a single thing. You try to get them interested in anything and they just --
Det. Makaio: [interrupting] I apologize, Mr. Carter, but let's try to focus. I need some information from you about Ms. Richardson if you don't mind.
Mr. Carter: Sure. Sorry.
Det. Makaio: We attempted to contact Ms. Richardson by phone but she didn't answer. Instead, you picked up her cell phone. Can you tell me why that is?
Mr. Carter: Well they took it from her. Gave it to me for safekeeping. Same with her shoelaces and her belt.
Det. Makaio: Who took it from her?
Mr. Carter: The doctors at the psychiatric center.
Det. Makaio: Ms. Richardson is at a psych center?
Mr. Carter: Yes sir. [sighs] Jenny's been having some mental problems lately. I picked her up this afternoon and she was going to come over and spend the night, just us, because she's been really stressed out over work lately. She's a temp, see, and doesn't always get work. But you best believe those bills keep coming.
Det. Makaio: Yeah.
Mr. Carter: Anyway, I picked her up around what, maybe 3:00? And we went to the harris teeter and picked up some stuff for dinner and a few bottles of wine and then we headed back to my place.
Det. Makaio: Where is your place, exactly?
Mr. Carter: [redacted], in Deep Creek. In the neighborhood behind the [redacted].
Det. Makaio: Can you give me the exact address, for the record?
Mr. Carter: Sure, [redacted].
Det. Makaio: Thank you. Go on, so you picked up stuff for dinner.
Mr. Carter: Yeah. And I was pretty beat because I had a migraine earlier in the day, so I decided to take a nap when we got back to my house.
Det. Makaio: Okay.
Mr. Carter: So I went to sleep on the couch, maybe around 5. Jenny was watching some tv show on netflix. I woke up a couple hours later and she wasn't sitting there anymore and it was quiet in the house. I saw the car was still in the driveway so I called out to her but she didn't answer.
Det. Makaio: Where did you find her?
Mr. Carter: She was in the bathroom that's in my bedroom. She had two empty bottles of wine and an empty benadryl bottle, one of those big ones, you know, like this big? [indicates with his hands about four inches high]
Det. Makaio: Yeah I know what you mean. Where did she get it?
Mr. Carter: It was mine. I have real bad allergies, especially around here where there's always pollen or mold or smoke or what have you. So I always keep the stuff on hand. I buy it in bulk at costco.
Det. Makaio: Okay so then what did you do next?
Mr. Carter: Well to be honest sir I panicked. I wasn't thinking straight. I picked her up and put her in the shower, turned the cold water on her but she didn't wake up. She was still breathing though so I stuck her in the backseat of my car and booked it to Chesapeake Regional. I probably should have called 911.
Det. Makaio: Is that the closest ER?
Mr. Carter: Damned if I know, but it's the only one I know, so I took her there. They wouldn't let me see her since I'm not family, but after they did whatever to her they let me sit with her. She wasn't talking. Then a doctor came in and asked me a lot of the same questions you are, and told me they were transporting her to virginia beach psychiatric center because she she had tried to do suicide.
Det. Makaio: I see. Was this out of the blue for you, or did you see any warning signs? Was she depressed or upset?
Mr. Carter: She did seem kind of depressed. She wouldn't really talk to people much anymore, but when I tried to talk to her about it she got mad and stopped talking to me too. I been trying to get her some help, but she wouldn't talk to a therapist or anything. I don't know what she's upset about, either.
Det. Makaio: Did she have a good relationship with her kids?
Mr. Carter: I assume so. She was always talking about them. Emily's in marching band, plays drums. And Jacob really likes to read, you know, them wimpy kid books? He loves those.
Det.makaio: I have to ask - why didn't you call Emily and tell her what happened to her mom?
Mr. Carter: Well that's a good question. I guess the answer is that I was too busy trying to deal with the situation at the time, then afterwards I assumed the hospital would call Emily herself. I don't know, she's just a kid.
Det. Makaio: Does she have any aunts or uncles in the area who could watch her and her brother if Ms. Richardson wasn't able to?
Mr. Carter: No, they always went across the street to Michelle's house. They were like a second family to Em and Jake. I think Emily even had a key to their house.
Det. Makaio: Oh? Did Ms. Richardson tell you she had a key?
Mr. Carter: No emily said it. They was arguing one time and Emily said she was going to go across the street and stay there instead. Jenny looked out the window and told her they weren't home, but Em said she had a key and could go over there any time she wanted. I don't think she went over there that night, though. I think she just stormed up to her room and slammed the door.
Det. Makaio: So what happened after Ms. Richardson got settled at the psych center? It's after 1 o'clock in the morning, where did you go between leaving her at the center and coming here to talk to me?
Mr. Carter: I'm not too proud to say it but I went home and cried my eyes out, then fell asleep. Jenny may be a mess but she's my mess and I love her. Now that I'm talking to you it's obvious I should have gone to the house to check on Emily and Jacob, but I assumed they were with Michelle and her mom, and that was a pretty traumatic experience for me, seeing Jenny like that. Knowin' she gave up like that. I was gonna call Emily in the morning and maybe take her to the center to see her mom if they'd let us. I should've gone back. Maybe I could have been there for her and she'd still be here. Maybe if I had just -- [sobs]
Det. Makaio: Mr. Carter, I know you're not particularly close to Emily or Michelle, but do you know anyone who disliked them, hated them maybe?
Mr. Carter: No. They're a pain in the ass like all teenage girls are, but they're good girls. Michelle does this honors society thing. And Emily's real pretty and talented. Everybody likes them.
Det. Makaio: Do you know anyone who would have a grudge against Ms. Richardson or Mrs. Karns?
Mr. Carter: No. Jenny's ex husband is dead, and Shannon and her ex husband are still really good friends. I always wondered why they split up to begin with. They seem really good at uh what do you call it co-parenting?
Det. Makaio: Mr. Carter, is there anything else you remember, or that you'd like to say before we conclude the interview?
Mr. Carter: No i've told you everything i can think of.
Det. Makaio: Alright. Thank you for meeting with me so late at night. We appreciate your cooperation, especially since time is of the essence right now. If you think of anything, see anything, or remember anything, anything at all, give me a call, okay? Here's my card, i wrote my cell phone number on the back.
Mr. Carter: Thanky you, officer.
Det. Makaio: You're welcome.
[END TRANSCRIPTION]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WITNESS STATEMENT CHESAPEAKE POLICE DEPARTMENT
CASE NO.: 17-0358745-01 DATE: 30 JUNE 2017 TIME: 1:44 AM TAKEN BY: DET LYNCH METHOD: TRANSCRIPTION - RECORDED INTERVIEW
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 1:44 AM]
Det. Lynch: Thank you for coming in, Mr. Karns.
Mr. Karns: Of course.
Det. Lynch: Just to recap, you've agreed to a recorded interview rather than a written statement, yes?
Mr. Karns: Yes. I'm sorry, I'm just so exhausted and upset I don't think I can write it all out.
Det. Lynch: It's alright I understand. Can you please state and spell your full name for the record?
Mr. Karns: Michael Alan Karns, M-I-C-H-A-E-L A-L-A-N K-A-R-N-S.
Det. Lynch: Thank you. And your date of birth, please?
Mr. Karns: [REDACTED].
Det. Lynch: Alright. And Michelle Anne Karns is your daughter, correct?
Mr. Karns: Yes sir.
Det. Lynch: Can you tell me what happened tonight, from your perspective?
Mr. Karns: I received a phone call from Shannon -- that's Michelle's mom -- around 11:30 tonight. It surprised me, she's a doctor and she's been working the late night shift so i knew she was at work. She told me that Michelle had called her freaking out because Emily's house had been broken into. She can't just leave the hospital, so she asked me to come to the house to be with Michelle until she could get there. Of course I said yes, and I left my house.
Det. Lynch: Do you know what time you left your house?
Mr. Karns: I honestly don't know. I texted Michelle when I was pulling out of my driveway, though, so you could check the message log.
Det. Lynch: Okay. Then what happened?
Mr. Karns: Well, I live about 15 minutes away from Shannon and Michelle's house. God, I can't believe how quickly it all happened. It was so fast. One minute I was talking to her and then...anyway. I'm sorry. My head is still reeling.
Det. Lynch: Perfectly understandable, it's okay.
Mr. Karns: I -- I don't suppose I could get a drink of water or something?
Det. Lynch: Well our water fountain's broke but I can get you a Coke from the break room. That alright?
Mr. Karns: Sure, if you don't mind. My throat is really dry and sore.
Det. Lynch: Sure, hang on I'll be right back. [leaves room]
Mr. Karns: [sobbing] Oh god, Michelle...honey... [indistinct sobbing]
Det. Lynch: [enters room] Here you go. Oh, oh man, hey, you want a tissue?
Mr. Karns: I'm sorry. No i'm alright. Just...you know.
Det. Lynch: Yeah I know. Let's keep going, though, okay? So you headed out to Shannon and Michelle's house.
Mr. Karns: Yeah. I just got a new car and it's got this audio feature where I can hook up my phone through Bluetooth. So I did, and I used the talk-to-text feature to keep in touch with Michelle while i drove. I asked her what she saw and to check the locks again.
Det. Lynch: And what did she say?
Mr. Karns: She said the kitchen was all messed up, and that she saw a lamp knocked over. Emily's house has this big window at the end of the upstairs hallway, and you can see most of the hallway from our living room if you look up. Emily and Michelle used to flash lights at each other in code when they were kids. She said she could see Jacob's door was closed and she hoped Emily was in there. That's when I asked her to check the locks around the house again.
Det. Lynch: And did she?
Mr. Karns: Yeah. But then she didn't answer me for a minute so I sort of checked in with her and asked what was going on, and she told me that Jacob's door was open and so was the front door to Emily's house.
Det. Lynch: And what did you say?
Mr. Karns: My stomach dropped. That's some scary shit, you know? That's my daughter. My only kid. I told her to hide. To put her phone on silent and to hide. I was only about five minutes away at that point, but I wanted her to be safe. She told me she hid in the kitchen pantry.
Det. Lynch: Then what happened?
Mr. Karns: I was speeding like a goddamn demon. I was one street over when Michelle texted me asking if I was the one who had come in the front door. I told her not to move, that I was just one street away. That's the last time I spoke to her.
Det. Lynch: She stopped answering you?
Mr. Karns: Yeah. I parked in the middle of the street not even three minutes later. The door was wide open, but I could hear sirens close by so I didn't run in. You guys pulled up less than 30 seconds later. I should have run in. I should have gone in to find my daughter.
Det. Lynch: Sir, I'm sorry I know you're upset, but you did the right thing. You don't know what you could have come across, and it was smart of you to wait for the police.
Mr. Karns: Do you have kids?
Det. Lynch: No sir, I don't.
Mr. Karns: Then with all due respect, sir, please don't tell me I did the right thing.
Det. Lynch: Yes, sir. [clears throat] Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against you or Mrs. Karns?
Mr. Karns: No, no one comes to mind.
Det. Lynch: What about Michelle?
Mr. Karns: No, not that I know of.
Det. Lynch: What about anyone who might have a grudge against the Richardson family?
Mr. Karns: I don't know. All I can think is maybe one of Jennette's ex boyfriends, but they come and go and don't seem to make a fuss. And no one could hate those kids, Jacob is a sweet kid, bookworm type. Emily is popular at school. She's very beautiful and talented, and she tends to have boys flocking to her. Maybe she hurt the wrong boy or turned down the wrong person.
Det. Lynch: Mr. Karns, is there anything else you remember, or that you want to tell me, before we conclude the interview?
Mr. Karns: Michelle has a tattoo. Shannon would flip a shit, she doesn't know about it. It's small, about 2 inches square, between her shoulder blades. A conch shell, with the words "Michelle Ma Belle" around it. Her grandmother was the one who started calling her "Chelle". They were very close. When she died, Michelle adopted "Chelle" as her nickname and wanted to get a tattoo in remembrance of her grandmother. The Beatles lyrics are because I used to sing her that song all the time. Anyway, I took her to get it done a few weeks ago, maybe middle of May.
Det. Lynch: Thank you. Alright. If you remember anything or have any additional information for me, call me. Here's my card, my cell phone number is on the back, right here.
Mr. Karns: Okay -- is that a four or a nine?
Det. Lynch: Uh, it's a four. Sorry, my handwriting is --
Mr. Karns: -- no it's okay mine is too --
Det. Lynch: -- a mess, here i'll fix it --
Mr. Karns: No it's okay, i got it.
Det. Lynch: Okay well thank you for coming in.
Mr. Karns: Of course.
[END TRANSCRIPTION]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WITNESS STATEMENT CHESAPEAKE POLICE DEPARTMENT
CASE NO.: 17-0358745-01 DATE: 30 JUNE 2017 TIME: 2:15 AM TAKEN BY: DET LYNCH METHOD: TRANSCRIPTION - RECORDED INTERVIEW
[TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 1:44 AM] [CORRECTED: TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 2:15 AM]
Det. Lynch: Thank you for coming in. I know it's late so we'll try to be brief. Just to recap, you've agreen to a recorded interview in lieu of a written statement, is this correct?
Mrs. Karns: Yes it is.
Det. Lynch: Okay, thank you. Can you please state and spell your name for the record?
Mrs. Karns: Shannon Mae Karns, S-H-A-N-N-O-N M-A-E K-A-R-N-S.
Det. Lynch: Thank you. And your date of birth, please?
Mrs. Karns: [REDACTED].
Det. Lynch: Thank you. And can you tell me what happened tonight, from your perspective?
Mrs. Karns: Michelle called me freaking out because she said the power had gone out in Emily's house across the street and when they came back on she saw that the house had been broken into. She also told me Emily was acting strangely and sent me a screenshot of their conversation.
Det. Lynch: Did you think Emily was acting strangely?
Mrs. Karns: Well the conversation certainly was strange. Emily has a severe fear of the dark. Once, when the power went out at her house, Michelle and I had to physically go over to her house and get her, because she was so terrified she didn't want to leave her room. We found her curled up in a ball under her comforter, crying. That was before Jacob was born. I had to literally pick her up and carry her back to our house. In the conversation Michelle showed me, Emily didn't seem bothered by the fact that the power had gone out. And she kept telling Michelle not to call me or call the police. Then she sent one message where it just said 'don't call the police' over and over again, and I think that's when Michelle panicked.
Det. Lynch: What happened then?
Mrs. Karns: I told Michelle to make sure all the doors and windows were locked, and that I was going to call her father to come to the house.
Det. Lynch: And did you?
Mrs. Karns: Yes. Mike said he'd leave immediately, and that he'd text Michelle until he got there so he knew she was safe.
Det. Lynch: Then what happened?
Mrs. Karns: I was doing my best to find a resident to come in and cover for me at the hospital, but I couldn't find anyone. Holiday weekend, you know? I told Michelle i'd be there as soon as i could and that her father was on the way.
Det. Lynch: Did you talk to her again after that?
Mrs. Karns: No I didn't.
Det. Lynch: Why not?
Mrs. Karns: I was calling every resident in the area to see if they could come cover for me. I trusted Mike would be there shortly so I focused on finding a replacement so I could leave.
Det. Lynch: Makes sense. Mrs. Karns, can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against you and Michelle?
Mrs. Karns: No. Usually in divorce cases you'd think the other parent, but Mike and I are still very good friends.
Det. Lynch: What about someone who might be angry with the Richardson family?
Mrs. Karns: I wouldn't know, to be honest. Jennette keeps to herself and her boyfriends. Most of the time the kids are over at our house. The girls are pretty good about hanging out with Jacob and not leaving him out. We've all but adopted Emily. She's Michelle's best friend, they've been joined at the hip since they were five. If someone were angry with them, I think I might have some idea of it.
Det. Lynch: So you're very close with the girls?
Mrs. Karns: I'd say so. Both of them come talk to me when they're having problems, and I'm happy to be there for them.
Det. Lynch: Had either of them come to you with any problems lately?
Mrs. Karns: Not really. Emily mentioned some unwanted attention she was getting recently, but it didn't seem to really bother her since she didn't go into details. She's a very pretty girl, and unfortunately she's used to attention of that kind. She usually ignores it.
Det. Lynch: Is there anything else you can think of that we need to know about?
Mrs. Karns: Michelle has a tattoo. She thinks I don't know about it, but I saw it recently when she forgot to leave her hair down. I think it was a seashell, with some words around it, on her upper back. It looked like it was relatively new, though, maybe about a month old. I'd be angry, but she never goes crazy or acts irresponsibly - i've been very lucky in that regard - so I can only assume it has some deep meaning to her and she went with her father to get it done. It's probably because of her nickname "Chelle".
Det. Lynch: [chuckling] Alright Mrs. Karns. Thank you for your time.
Mrs. Karns: You're welcome.
[END TRANSCRIPTION]
Part Three Part Four: Final

Ask any teenager or college student of today about nickelodeon sitcoms, and they'll probably lambaste your skin while rubbing your ears together by telling you about either Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, or if they have yet to decide their sexuality, iCarly. It's funny really, considering how all three are connected. You see, in 1997 after the world was still recuperating from the collapse of the Great Tower of Michael Jackson at the hands of the Ylissean warriors with Will Smith and Bill Clinton, a young man by the name of Dan Schneider had developed an illicit desire to control the adolescent populace. Although his goals appeared malicious, all he really wanted was for his children and all the children of the United states to have some measure of solace to assist parents in healing their kids of the events of 1996. So by sitting in his room for 20 days and 20 nights, he examined all the Nickelodeon shows in deep ecstasy; trying to find out that Nickelback formula to a successful tv sitcom. But no tv show caught his eyes like the greatest anime of all time. No, not Cory in the house you wool streamlining pieces of sheep. What else could it have been other than All That? Now all he needed was fine can of Pringles to assist in his research of the series. "Shnerp," he snarfed. "Where are my pringles? I need nourishment to enjoy this... This entertainment from Allah." He used the force, being the retired Muslim Jedi that he is, and brought the pringles to himself. Scarfing them down, he continued to examine the episodes until he noticed a subtle yet large drop in quality as the episodes went on. By the fifth season's second episode 'Monica,' Dan really didn't find much to salvage from the outdated variety show. Except for one grill... Amanda Bynes. Using the amazing powers of instant transmission bestowed upon him by Goku from Reptilian Orbs Uncut: Final Mix+, he teleprompted himself to the house of Bynes. Once there, he looked up at Amanda's bedroom window. "Yo Eliwood!" he yelled. Prince Eliwood came to his aid from Lord knows where. "Yes, milord?" Eliwood responded. "Hand me my javelin. Shnerp Shnerp." He grasped the javelin and threw it straight into Bynes's window. "Yo Amanda!" Dan yelled. No response. "Um, Dan. Do you think you might've got a critical hit?" "There's only one way to find out..." We sprouted hyper-realistic bellsprout petals and flew into the room. The javelin landed on her bed, but she was unscathed. But Amanda lay wide awake, staring straight at us with her beady blue eyes from Episode 13 of the Amanda Show. "OH MY GOODNESS ARE YOU MY CHILDREN FROM THE YEAR 2019?!" Amanda regurgitated. "No, we are not." Schneider admitted. "I am here to recruit you for the Entertainment Regiment of the Holy Roman Empire a.k.a, Nickelodeon Studios in Burbank, California. You see Amanda," he casually walked to her side, placing his right foot on the pubescent side of her bed. "I see potential in you, little girl. Remember the Fight against Michael Jackson and Lisa Lombardo? The scars left from that horrid moment in our nation's history have begun to fester. I want you and your talented little self to give us a ray of hope. Join me, and I'll turn you into to one of the greatest child stars to have ever graced us with her presence." "Wow, are you doing this for me, sir?" Amanda asked. "Honey," Eliwood began, "My wife was a half dragon half human hybrid car that died just because she bore my son Roy, who is our boy and not a Koopa, and spent her days talking about the Baptist Church. I assure you from the bottom of my area in which the sun mustn't shine, that she would encourage you to pursue this sexy life choice." "Well, okay then! I'll go with you guys!" Amanda hopped out of her bed and latched onto Eliwood. "Take me away, you sexy piece of meat." she cooed. Eliwood had found himself a woman... To raise as his own.
And so they went, Eliwood to introduce Roy to his new sister, have Sakurai add Amanda as Smash 4 DLC, and to make her into the child star she should be. Surprisingly enough the Amanda Show was a smash hit, but things took a turn for the worse on the warm, late summer day of September 10th, 2001. Dan was wrapping up his next script for the big season 3 opener due to premiere January 9th of the following year, when a strange cloaked figure appeared in his trashcan. Schneider was unphased. "Give me... the one." the mysterious man of mysteries hissed. "I thirst for her in the name of Allah." "Hmph! As if you'll have the power to pry her from my dead fingernails." Dan retorted. He pulled out his Z-Saber and lunged at the strange figure, but he swiftly teleprompted behind Dan and punished him with a swift Falcon kick to his temple. Dan was in state of shock, but fortunately he remembered the secret technique taught by the Kung Fu Panda himself in his time travel adventure to the year 2008; the forbidden technique of the Kong Long. Planning to put said technique into action, he grabbed his opponent (which for once was not his wife), and said the magic words. "Skadoosh." But shadowman over here reflected the attack back at our hero, and sent poor Dan face first into the wall. The cloaked man had triumphed over him. With his work done, the figure turned his attention to a poster advertising The Amanda Show. "I'll find her on my own." he said. "No! Nggh, you can't take her away from me. She's the one, the one to save America's youth!" "Your youth are as good as dead in the eyes of my great one. You'll see, when your towers burn. Because PacMan did 9/11, you'll see how useless it is to fight against your destiny Dan. You can't escape it, she can't escape it, PacMan can't escape it, your people cannot escape it. It is what we all must come face to face with on a daily basis." "No! My body nor my wallet is ready. Can't we negotiate?" "The are no negotiations in a Holy War, Schneider." "But-" "I take my leave with the child." And so the religious figure disappeared. Fearing the worst, Dan ran into Bynes's Dressroom, only to find it completely empty. He collapsed, head in his hands, crying like a lost little Filipina girl in Shrek's Swamp. He couldn't shake the feeling that this was somehow his fault. The following tragedy of 9/11 proved no condolence for the distraught producer, as it only affirmed the words of the mysterious man. Just who was he, and what was this holy war all about? What became of Amanda and Dan Schneider's career? Well, to make a long story longer than it needs to be, Amanda just happened to reappear in a dazzling array of lights and Budweiser just in time for the 3rd season premiere to be filmed. But Schneider knew that something was off. This was not the Bynes that he once knew.
As a result, he cancelled the show in 2004, and went to other All That stars, Drake Bell and Josh Peck, to create their own series. But come the 3rd season in 2007, the same cloaked figure appeared and the two went missing, only to suddenly reappear 10 days after their disappearance. Yet again, they appeared different from their usual selves. This strange pattern occurred with all of Schneider's future kid sitcoms up to today, until he decided that he had enough. The original All That cast was all gone, so all that remained was Jennette McCartney, daughter of the Keyblade wielder, Jesse McCartney, and Ariana Grande, daughter of Roy our Boy of the Lycian Alliance. (Hence the red hair.) With the descendent of a pure-blood dragon and a keyblade wielder, Schneider was confident that he had the necessary help to counterattack the supposed Muslim extremist that plagued his entire career. But he needed one last unit, so he attempted to produce one last episode for his career. "The Reunion" as it was called, was intended to have all of the stars of Schneider's past sitcoms appear for one last time on the same set. Nickelodeon Studios, of course, blocked its airing once the filming had been completed. When asked why, the studio simply responded, "Extremists ruin any children's sitcom." The nation was in an uproar. With the threat from extremists like ISIS and Boko Haram terrorizing the Middle East, people thought that this statement implied the appearance of IS on the homefront. Riots ensued across the country, people ransacked any Popeye's throughout America. Eventually, through government pressure, Nickelodeon caved in and decided to air the episode on a Primetime slot.
On September 10th, 2015, at 12:00 AM the episode was aired, but people found nothing wrong about it! It was just like another silly episode of Sam & Cat, except with Amanda Bynes, Drake Bell, and all the other Schneider stars on a set, talking about their character's lives as if they were all intertwined. Apparently, the family in Drake and Josh suffered tragedy when the mother had exploded from a horrible encounter with a wildebeest. The father's resulting depression had lead to a total collapse of family, and eventually ended up in all three siblings moving out to avoid... "Bad things," as they dubbed it. The youngest, played by Miranda Cosgrove, moved in with the eldest brother, Drake Bell, but was renamed to Spencer when a record deal issue forced Bell to leave Nickelodeon Studios for a period of time. Hence Carly's missing parents. The father never reappears until the last episode, where in this alternate timeline discussed by the lost episode, Reunion, Carly returns home. During this time, Sam decides to move on with her life and opens up a child rearing business with her friend, Cat that she met in the iCarlyxVictorious crossover. Which lead to the events of Sam & Cat. With that, the episode ends with Sam proposing that all those on the set sing a song. "Harriet fell Up with Fear, Hit his head on an Inu. With that he told his Mom, i have Cracked my Back. NOW ALL HE wants IS help to fight him who made him fall up, and get his child back." The characters looked at Sam with a cocked head, as if she was crazy. But they all just laughed it off and ended the episode there. But for me, the episode was far from over. I noticed that on the boxes of closed captioning, that the text was randomly capitalized as if to prove some kind of point. So I decided to take each Uppercase letter from the first verse of Sam's song and got the set of letters, HUFHIWMCB. And yes, you creepypasta critics, this DOES mean something. Recalling to mind the last verse of Sam's song, the lowercase letters appeared to have the key this time. In the end, all the lower case words fit into first set of letters, and I ended up with this: Help Us Fight Him. I Want My Child Back. Schneider was calling for me. He wanted me, the grand bluenette detective Lucian, to help him find his lost little girl who was actually in her 20's by now. I will go and fight for my friends. In the next second, I'll use my instant transmission to teleprompt myself to Nickelodeon Studios. But there was no need to do so, for a white and soft caucasian hand came through the screen. Decisively, it grabbed me by the collar and pulled me into the television.
And so I did, but the once proud home of children's entertainment was a mere shadow of its former self, for the studio closed down in 2012. Regardless, I found a big old hole in the side of the wall. Along with said wall lie Dan Schneider himself, accompanied by Jennette and Ariana; both of which had their respective swords. Jenette her Keyblade, and Ariana her father's Binding Blade. I asked Dan about Eliwood, but he remained silent. Apparently Eliwood died of cancer due to an overexposure to Artificial Sweeteners. Anywho, I need to stop talking and head down to the Middle East. "Are you ready?" Dan asked me. "I am not ready for Freddy, but who gives a left leg about animatronics?" "I do." Sam replied. "Well you don't count." I snarled. I turned my attention to Ariana. "And just how did you get your father's blade?" "Oh! It's a funny story, really. Back in Colombia in the year 2000, Roy my father was engaged to a beautiful woman named Sofia Ve-" "No no, I do not want to hear about any of your father's Colombian escapades with Sofia Vegetables that you probably just made up while wasted off hard grape juice.Let's just get a move on to Saudi Arabia." "I think Syria's the better choice." Dan exclaimed. "Well fine then Carebear. We'll head straight for Syria."
And so we flew to the IS-controlled town of Shamar like in Sonic Unleashed. Unsurprisingly enough, we had to leave the city due to the appearance of Curious George Cult members, so we began our trek through the Syrian wilderness instead. "Hey what's that up there?" Sam squelched. We looked up towards the sky with a faint sound of "Gottsa go fast" in the background. There flying in the sky was Bashar Al-Absurd and Josh Peck. And with that, my greatest and darkest fantasies were confirmed. Josh Peck was in threeway relationship with Angela Merkel and Babaloo Bogota, president of the National Guard of Ike-mania. "We gotta hurry," Sam yelled. She threw her Keyblade into the air and in an array of Dorothea Dix Portraits, turned into a Kryptonian Keyblade Glider like the Enigmatic Soldier in Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix. We took flight towards the two boobaes, and followed them to up and down and all around to their secret base hidden in the sands. We landed right next to the front door. "Wow," Ariana squelched. "For a secret base, this place isn't very..." "Secret?" I interrupted. "No. I was thinking more along the lines of exotic." she responded. "When I see a secret base, I feel like it should, you know like, make it feel like I'm suffering from an anal fissure. Because you know my mother had hemorrhoids, and she told me about her moments of leakage when she-" "Ariana, honey, are you high?" Sam asked. "High up where? You mean like Appalachian high or Himalayan high? Are you getting into one of your Latina moods, Sam? Where you run around and stab people's cattle like a Swedish Santa Cruz?" "Both of you stop, you're making me want to surgically remove myself from life." Dan admitted. "Look you guys," I called, "let's just open the strangely American suburban door to the um," There was toilet paper taped to the door that had written on it, "Illumination base of Islamic Pizza Palace.". I opened the door quite cautiously, only to find Bashar Al-Absurd with his guns cocked and ready to fire at us. "You wouldn't shoot a little girl, would you?" Ariana cooed. "Oh but my little waifu," Bashar lamented, "I can see that you are better than blondie over there. So I'll make you an offer that you can't refuse. I'll spare you over-" "As if!" Janette yelled, unsheathing her Keyblade to beat Bashar upside the head with it. She turned her keyblade forward and shot Ragnarok towards Bashar. She followed up with a well-timed strike raid and finished him off with the Ars Arcanum. But just for the tasty overkill, she pulled out a Zantetsuken, and left Bashar as a little castrated pile of Chocolate Cake. "I am not dead," Bashar croaked. "but in the next 10 seconds I will be. So be aware, you filthy infidels. The storm is coming, and your country's bloody end will be at the hands of its own people." "How and why are you still talking?" Ariana questioned. She dropped her flaming blade onto his remains, putting an end to the Syrian dictator. "So who next?" I asked. Dan Schneider looked towards an open door that contained a staircase that could only go down. "Down there," He motioned. "We're going down there." "But we can only go down." Ariana protested. "What if the hash slinging slasher or the tattle-tale Strangler is down there waiting for us? We can't run back up the stairs from either, or what if the stairs are a never-ending SCP that acts as a gateway to the Infinity and Beyond prostitution ring found behind Sheriff Woody's BBQ and cannabis roundup?" "Toy stories and SpongeBob villains aside, we must go down there. I can feel Josh's masculine presence resonating from the depths." So we trekked down the stairs, and guess who was right down the steps? It was Cory Baxter standing right next to a tied up Josh Peck and Drake Bell planted uptop a giraffe. We confronted the mystical negro himself, as it would appear that he had no idea of our presence. "Are we sneaking up on him?" Ariana whispered. I flashed her a dirty look. "What's it look like?" I scowled. She responded, "Well let me pull out my binding blade and bind his fate between my delicious eyelids." Cory teleported right in front of us using the power of his hidden girlfriend's menstrual cycle. "I'll bind your blade in a Red Robin Sports Bar after my Thursday night Fire Emblem Speedrun." After the laugh track sounded,he grasped Ariana's shoulders and proceeded to devour her whole, like a watermelon. We were in shock. "You cannibalistic Blackman! Yo punk rock swiggity swooty freeman self just ate our waifu!" Dan yelled. "And she was deelish," Cory retorted, face full of maternal pleasure. "But ugh, she didn't go down well... AUGH!!!" Cory doubled over in pain as a strange orange light began to radiate from his thoracic cavity. Suddenly, he let out a cute little squeak like a mouse and was consumed in a fiery explosion that Ariana came flying out of. She literally set his insides on fire with her sword. Sam was pleased with these results. "This is a good result!" she yelled. But suddenly she began to cry, quite profusely at that. "Aw, Jenette," I began, "Are you upset over my misuse of commas?" "No. I just-I just realized that Carly's mom died the same way as Cory! Some man arrived uptop a wildebeest and charged into her mom's mouth. In the same exact appearance of orange gastrointestinal lights, she suddenly exploded! Which means that your daddy killed my best friend's mother!" "So Roy our Boy killed Miranda Cosgrove's mom in Drake and Josh? Was that..." "Yes Lucian." Dan mumbled. "That was in the second lost episode of Sam & Cat, where Carly tells all in a steamy church confession box; that of which is also a sauna." "Well sir," I spouted, mockingly. "What do you expect us to do with the real Drake Josh?" "We use the giraffe to take them and us all to Walmart." And so we went. To the nearest Walmart, where we also found a copy of Cory In The House in the Electronics Section of the supermarket. "Let's keep them here. They'll be safe." I said. "In a McDonald's within some random Walmart? Don't you think that the local kitty maid hotel would be a better place for these two to, rejuvenate? " Jeanette questioned. "I know what I am doing Pam Sucket." I retorted. "Now go over there and talk to that clearly metrosexual Indian in the corner over there. He needs support." "Ugh, fine." she gurgled. Jeanette walked up to him, and began to lean over to get a good look at his eyes. "So let me guess," she started. "You're not really Indian, are you?" "Heehee. You foolish little American Idol, you do not even know what awaits you amongst my loins." Jeanette's head shot down to notice a bomb strapped to the man's waistline. "Let yourself sleep tighter than my waistline, for Allah's sake." But what the terrorist didn't realize was that Jeanette was a Keyblade Master like Eraqus, which is just square all jumbled up. And that her keyblade could unlock anything, so she unlocked the bomb from his waist and threw it skyward until it exploded midair with a well-timed poopy-poo. It also blew up the Legendary Conservative Dragon, George Bush. This angered Donald Trump and Donald Duck, who were at a nearby Red Robin Sports Bar, quite greatly. Unsurprisingly enough, they both ran into the supermarket, mouths agape, and confronted Jeanette on the spot. "What is this that of which you have done?" Donald Trump screamed, as bombastic as ever. "My own personal friend is kill because of your inability to care about one man over at least a hundred other people! Do you see the rage spilling from my mouth in the form of mucus and saliva?! Because if you can't, then you probably aren't sure of where you went last night, or rather yet, where you slept last night you little floosy." "Yeah, Imma 'bout to go all goof troop on your cringe-worthy teenage legs!" Donald Duck squawked. "FYI you pre-pubescent goose," Jeanette retorted, "My legs are what they should be; not subject to your opinion! So go and throw yourself into a Delivery pan because I just roasted your feathered hemorrhoid-ridden behind." Both Donalds were seething with rage, like a Latino Exotic Dancer with Bipolar disorder coming home to find his girlfriend with Chrom, from Fire Emblem: Shrekoning. Where you must fight against the evil forces of Donald Trump and save Lucina from the depths of the South Bronx where Trump's Red Room lies. "You can't argue with me! I'm worth TEN BILLION DOLLARS DESPITE MY CONSTANT BANKRUPTCIES." "Don't try to strain your eyes Trump," Jeanette bursted. "It'll all be over once I take my keyblade and-" "Wait!" a voice boomed from the nearby Women's bathroom. "Huh?" Ariana blurted. Two figures emerged from the depths of the female room of rest, Squall Leonhart and Telphie Silmitt, the bootleg ghetto alter ego of Beyonce and Selphie Tilmitt. Don't tell my mom but I think Telphie's a Transgender. As in, a woman who became a golden banana in the name of Curious George. "Squall," Telphie cooed, "I want babies. Big fat black ones. Take that blonde woman over there and use her keyblade to unlock my tied tubes." "You got it straight, hon." The suddenly black Squall replied. He approached the frazzled Jeanette while trying to ignore the confused look festering on her face. "Hm. Looks like the Keyblade's lowering its standards for its prospective wielders. No matter," he exclaimed. "I'll take it either way." "In your dreams, which don't exist." Jeanette snarled. We ran to Jeanette's sides to protect her from the threat from a final fantasy based on reality, a duck, and a politician. "So it's a crew battle?" Don asked. I couldn't believe it. A washed-out amateur detective like me, fighting alongside the strongest in the universe; it makes my skin moist just thinking about it! I pulled off my hat revealing my true identity as a girl, a woman who refuses to show her feminine side in order to be respected by colleagues like that blue haired chick from Persona. In fact, I am that GRILL, I am... Naoto Bootyclappin Shirogane. "Oh, no!" Telphie bursted. "Another tranny." "I am no tranny..." I retorted. "I'm a fully refundable and non-commercial woman who's gonna shoot you point-blank with my gastrointestinal bladder blaster." And so I did, blowing them all up in 2 seconds. Upon their tasty ends, the cloaked figure with bomb strapped himself identified himself as Miranda Cosgrove, which wasn't surprising. She said her father forced her to go all jihad on us, which leads me to believe that somehow or somewhere, obesity rates have spiked in dogs and other sea dwelling organisms. In short, the cloaked man who fought with Schneider was Osama Bin Laden, and the figure who just popped up in front of my face must be- "Wait, Robo-Reconstructed Bin Larden Mark VIII?!" Everyone's jaws fell to the floor. Osama was alive... "But how?" I muttered. "We killed you, you shouldn't be alive now!" "A Holy War shall not end until one side is completely destroyed, or the issuer killed. I was not kill, I was never kill. I am Immortal in the eyes of Shre- I mean, Allah." "But that doesn't answer our question," Ariana yelled, "HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET?!?!" "Aheehee." Osama laughed, sounding like Michael Jackson. "The caliphate enhanced me As I lay Dying. I am no different from other androids such as, MegaPutin X, 50 Cent, Metal Nicki Minaj.exe, and Robo-Lincoln. If you'd like, you could watch the end of America and the holy war on Live Television. Or you could watch it in person uptop the Freedom Tower. Either way , you cannot stop this smoking hot jihad. " Osama laughed, and took to the skies. But he fell down and ran towards battery park. " We gotta follow this artist's work with chicken. " Jeanette exclaimed. " Osama's an artist? " I asked. Yes, milord." A voice called from behind. It was Roy. "Daddy!" Ariana squealed. She threw herself into her father's outstretched arms. "I presume that you've been treating yourself and my binding blade well, haven't you?" Roy said. "Why daddy of course!" she responded. "Good." He rose from his kneeling position and flashed a new sword in front of us all. "Do you know what this is?" he casually said. "It's funny you should ask," I answered. "It looks like quite the sword, but to a woman who's afraid to confront the roles of womanhood, then it's nothing more than a symbol of oppression. That or a big doorknob." "I could only expect a woman like you to even think from such an odd perspective, Naoto." How did he know my name? "How do you know my name?" I scowled. "I have had connectiobs to your spine. Cerebrospinal fluid tells a lot about its own body." "Now let's stop wasting time and go save Murica." We ran at Roy's lead to battery park to confront the evil mistress that was Osama bin Laden.