Over the course of 7 years being exposed to the language, I’ve heard half a dozen native Italians use a uvular R instead of a trill (and sometimes instead of what I normally perceive as a tap). Here is the most recent example I’ve come across.
The first time I encountered this phenomenon was when I was learning Italian around Macerata. One of the teachers spoke like this, and I assumed he was from somewhere else, but other teachers mentioned that he was local. The man in the sample I just gave is presumably from Bari, so I’m not so likely to believe that it’s regional.
If it’s a speech impediment, it seems unusual to me, and nobody I’ve talked to has acknowledged it. For one, I am aware that it may be a delicate subject, so I tried to be tactful when asking (indirect) questions, but other native Italians didn’t acknowledge anything different when I’ve asked about this “accent”. On the other hand, my native language also features a trill, and though native speakers struggle with it too, they approximate it using other sounds. Then again, in Russian I think some people do this too.

Posting on a throw away account but it might not matter.. I’ve (f33) been with my fiancée (m36) for almost 6 years, engaged for 2 years. Neither of our moms lived where we are when we initially started dating but both moved to our city shortly after COVID. I tried to include FMIL anytime we invited my mom to outings, dinners, house parties.. basically any and all activities . Long story short, that completely backfired. FMIL was negative about everything and started saying awful things to me but worse (imo) basically harassed my mom through texts, voicemails, Facebook messages. It’s now been more than three years since FMIL and I have really talked. She’s coming to the wedding in a few weeks and it’s making me feel… weird? She’s never even acknowledged how awful she was to my mom or to me and now she’s coming to my wedding? She’s giving a speech! This is where AITAH comes in- my fiancée thinks I’m being extra and an asshole to expect her to make amends before coming to our wedding.

Have you ever experienced something that shook you to your very core? Something that makes you remember every single little detail of your surroundings from that moment in time? Even years after? I can remember so vividly the moment I realized something was wrong with me. I was in my junior year of high school sitting in class, just like any other day. I remember the smell of erasers and cheap cologne that permeated off my classmate who sat next to me. I remember the scratchy tag on my t-shirt and how I was resisting taking it off in the middle of class just to cut it off. I remember what my teacher, Mrs. Brown, was talking about; 'the fall of Constantinople'. My mouth felt dry and I kept looking at the clock, counting down the minutes until I had lunch so I could get a soda. The sound of a pen clicking behind me was synchronized with the song that was stuck in my head.
All those things were going through my brain at once. My ADHD mind went a million miles per minute when it all came down to a cashing holt when I felt it at 11:23
I felt what I can only describe as a hand grabbing at the inner lining of my stomach. It didn't necessarily hurt, not at this point. That's not why I got so scared. You see, not only do I have ADHD. I also have OCD that manifests itself in the fear of anything growing or moving inside me. Even if I think about the concept of blood moving in my body or a heart that is beating in my chest, I have to think of something else. I've had full-blown panic attacks because of it. The closest term for this is 'Tokophobia'. That's technically the fear of pregnancy. I'm a guy, so it's not completely accurate but it's really the closest term. I mean, I also do have a huge fear of pregnancy. Not necessarily of me being pregnant, but even though I knew I could never get pregnant, the thought of it still made me feel sick
I bet you can imagine the terror that overcame me as I felt something moving in me. I made an audible groan and grabbed my stomach. My whole class turned to look at me. even my teacher stopped talking to ask if I was okay. I stood up and started to run to the nurses' office without even acknowledging my teacher. My first thought wasn't thinking that something was actually in my body. Even stomach aches and the feeling of gurgling in my stomach made me feel this way before. I didn't have anything on hand to help with a stomach ache, unfortunately. However, the nurse always did.
I sprinted across the school hoping and praying that my stomach wouldn't make that awful feeling again before I got there.
I turned the corner into the nurses' office with my tennis shoes squeaking in the process. I saw the school nurse, Mrs. Kennedy sitting on the couch in her office reading a magazine. She looked up at me with a sweet smile that quickly turned into worry.
"Sam, what is it? How can I help?" She said as she stood up and hurried over to me. Putting her hand over mine which was grabbing my stomach tightly.
"It's…It's my stomach. Something is wrong with it." I mumbled with a red face.
She shuffled her way over to her large medicine cabinet and she motioned for me to sit down.
She asked me questions about my stomach. Asking if it was pain, grumbling, cramps, nausea, etc. As she was asking me what my symptoms were and digging through bottles, The feeling happened again. However, this time was different. It felt like fingers grassing against the inside of my body. I screamed and wrapped my arms around my torso. Mrs. Kenneddy ran over to me to comfort me.
"This seems a lot worse than normal, maybe we should call your parents." She said as she put her hand on my back.
It felt like some days I saw Mrs. Kennedy more than my teachers. Any small ailment would distract me so badly from class that I had to go see her. Sometimes multiple times a day. She knew at this point when something was really wrong.
Within about 30 minutes both my parents were there with us. That may seem fast, but I'm an only child and my parents are very aware of my tendencies. They know I can spiral and like to be around if it happens.
They kept asking me where the pain was. I think they assumed by the way I wasn't responding to their questions the pain must've been really bad. The reality was that I just didn't know how to tell them what was going on.
I got so frustrated after they asked me over and over again that I just yelled at them.
"Something is inside me! Get it out, get it out, get it out!" I lifted my shirt and was ripping at my stomach. Leaving red nail scratches and cuts. My mom and dad ran to either side of me to grab my arms. Mrs. Kennedy had seen me go pretty crazy, but this was the worst I've ever gotten in front of her. My parents however had seen a similar situation before. Not exactly like this, but they didn't skip a beat on trying to help me.
"Sam. Breath, sweety. Just remember everything is in you for a reason. It's keeping you alive. Nothing is going to hurt you." My mom said softly to me. Trying to calm me down with the words my therapist gave her. "Ice cubes, get him ice cubes!" She said to Mrs. Kennedy as I started to hyperventilate.
Mrs. Kennedy grabbed a ziplock bag and started to fill it with ice cubes. My mom went over to her and grabbed an ice cube right out of the bag, opened up my hand, and put the ice cube in it. This worked in the past to distract me, I knew that's what she was doing, and trust me. I wanted it to work too, but this was different. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a different feeling I hadn't felt before. That it wasn't possible something was physically inside my body. But I couldn't help it.
Everyone in the room could see that this was getting intense. I think they assumed it was just a mental breakdown and that nothing was physically wrong with my body but I didn't care. I just wanted help.
My parents got me into the car with my mom even sitting in the backseat with me. She kept trying to distract me with conversation but my mind was only on that awful feeling in my stomach.
We pulled up to the ER and my mom guided me in while holding both my wrists. It felt like she was walking me on a leash but I didn't fight it. I knew she was just trying to stop me from scratching my stomach.
We walked in and I spoke to the receptionist. All I said was that I had terrible pain in my stomach. I didn't want to sound too crazy. I just needed a doctor to look at whatever was going on.
After giving the receptionist my name and insurance information we went to sit down. I was sitting in between my parents and I could see my mom lean back to try and mouth something to my dad without me seeing. I didn't think much of it. I was way more worried about other things.
My dad then went up to the receptionist. He pointed over to me and she looked a little concerned. I saw her pick up the clipboard that had my information on it and she started writing something else on it. I asked my dad what he did and he just said to not worry and that he wanted to let her know it was urgent.
No more than 10 minutes went by and I felt a terrible moving sensation. I cringed and grabbed my stomach. Immediately followed by not just the feeling of a hand grabbing my insides but also scratching and pinching. I yelled out in pain as the other people in the waiting room looked at me mortified.
A doctor and a couple of nurses came running over to me and helped me up. But I couldn't stand up. I was in too much pain. They put me in a wheelchair and started to head for a room. However, they didn't take me through the normal big ER doors that went to the standard examination rooms, they took me and my parents through a smaller door to the side that had a padlock on it.
We walked through a white hallway that was very quiet. The doctor and nurses showed us to my room and helped me into my bed as I was wiggling and wincing. I had one parent on either side of me. Patiently waited to stop my arms from scratching.
The doctor was trying to ask further questions but he could tell it wasn't going anywhere. I knew that my dad probably told that receptionist about my OCD tendencies and that I needed to go to the psych ward. Not just to the stranded side of the ER.
I couldn't take it anymore and blurted out that something was inside my stomach and it was trying to get out.
The doctor just looked at my parents for a reaction and they gave him a sad nod. It was like they warned him that this could happen. The doctor didn't just think I was crazy, my parents did too. The doctor took a deep breath and came up to me. I knew I was about to hear some kind of dumb speech about how this was just my OCD and everything was going to be okay.
As he came closer to me, I pulled up my shirt and he gasped. Not only was my stomach scratched up like crazy, but we saw movement. It looked like when a pregnant woman can see her baby kicking. But this was so much stronger. It was stretching my skin.
My parents stood up and gasped while the doctor looked frantic and unprepared.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" The doctor said as he backed out of the room. "Hang on! We are getting this taken care of, just hang tight."
Just seconds later a nurse came in to give me some painkillers. I started to feel the pain slip away, but something so much worse started to creep in. I heard a voice. Not my own. Not some creepy-sounding creature, but the voice of a normal-sounding man that I'd never heard before. But that wasn't the scary part. The scary part was what he was saying to me.
"Get me out. Get me out. Get me out!"
It started in a normal tone, but slowly became more urgent and rushed. Then demanding.
The voice would coincide with the moment inside me.
It was getting so loud that I was having a hard time hearing the people around me. The doctor came in just a few minutes after I last saw him. He was red and sweaty. Like he'd just run a marathon. He told me they needed to do just a few tests on what was inside me before taking action.
I was trying so hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth but all I could hear was the voice. The voice stopped for just a second and changed what he was saying. Now he started repeating,
"Cut me out, cut me out, cut me out, now!" I now knew this thing didn't just want out but it wanted out now. I begged the doctor to just get it out now but he wouldn't listen. The voice spoke up again.
"This is taking too long. Don't be afraid. Get me out yourself."
I think it could feel me resisting. Without realizing it, I was looking around the room for something. It was like I didn't even have control over my head or eyes anymore. I knew the voice was looking for a knife but I was trying to ignore the feeling. I knew there weren't any knives around. I was in a very safe place.
Just as I had the feeling I was safe, it was immediately taken away. The thought passed through my head that my dad probably had a pocket knife on him. My heart sank. I knew this thing could hear my thoughts. I knew what it would try to do.
The next thing I knew, I was on my feet, leaping for my dad. My body hit his. luckily, he's in pretty good shape for his age and had no problems putting me in my place.
He got on top of me and pinned me to the ground. All while I could barely hear my mom in the background. Yelling at my dad to be careful. My dad knew something was going on and that I just needed to be on the ground until I calmed down.
My body tried to flail but it wasn't successful. The whole time the voice in my head, now yelling and screaming. Not saying any distinguishable words, but just having what felt like a tantrum. What made my dad the most uncomfortable was the kicking feeling coming from my stomach.
After a couple of minutes, the voice calmed down and I felt in charge of my body again. My dad slowly got up and attempted to help me up. At this point with an audience of hospital staff that looked like they were getting ready to take me somewhere for more tests.
Just as I stood up straight, I felt the voice take over and I lost all sense of my own body. I felt like a shell of myself. My dad gave me a soft yet worried smile, and in that instance, I grabbed him and reached into his pocket. My heart sank as I felt his pocket knife. The room started to panic and about 5 people tried to grab it from me. The last thing I remember is plunging the knife into my stomach. I felt a blinding pain and everything went black.
Several hours later I started to wake up. Everything was extremely blurry and fuzzy. I could hear a very faint voice telling me to relax. As the minutes passed by, things started to become a little bit clearer. I looked around and saw I was in a large room with a few other patients. A nurse was going up to all the beds and checking in on them. I tried to sit up a bit to get more comfortable and noticed an incredible sourness in my stomach. I moved my hospital gown out of the way and saw a huge scare. About 6" across. Most of the scare looked very surgical. Like what I'd imagine a c-section surgery would look like. Except where I remembered the knife going in. It looked like a bunch of extra stitches had to be added where it went in. It also looked pretty bruised. I can imagine that a dull 10-year-old knife that was harshly shoved into a body really wouldn't cleanly cut through and leave some damage.
The feeling of shock from looking at my stomach was quickly gone when I realized that meant whatever was in me was now gone. I didn't hear the voice, I didn't feel a hand in my gut anymore, I didn't see that vile kicking anymore. I felt like I could breathe.
I asked the nurse what they found and she looked flush.
"Uh, that's something that you, uh. Your doctor will talk with you once you eat something and can speak clearly." She said as she scurried off looking upset.
Shortly after that, I was wheeled into a recovery room and my parents came to see me.
As they walked in they had a very similar look on their faces as the nurse did. They looked pale and didn't want to look me in the eye. I kept asking them questions about what was going on but they said the doctor needed to discuss it with me and he wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling high from the anesthesia while we had a conversation.
The doctor didn't come and see me for another 10 hours. Which felt strange. And to add to the strangeness, my parents were taking shifts hanging out with me. There was only overlap when they switched and the other parent took over while the other one left the room. I would understand if they weren't both with me for the whole time. I'm not that needy, but they were only both in my room together for about an hour. That was the hour before the doctor came to my room.
Finally, the doctor came in to talk to me. When he walked in, the room was cold and quiet. It was evident he didn't feel the same relief I was feeling.
He seemed awkward. Like he was talking way too long to get over to me. He grabbed a chair and scooted it close to me.
"Listen Sam. I know this last 24 hours has been very challenging. I apologize for not explaining what happened during your surgery sooner, but we all needed time to figure it out, and quite frankly, process what happened. We feel we have enough information to let you in on what is going on." A silence filled the room. It felt like no one was brave enough to break it.
"And?" I said with confusion.
"I think it'll be easier if we just show you."
The doctor along with my parents helped me into a wheelchair and we started to make our way across the hospital to an entirely different section. I couldn't believe all the things running through my head at what we were about to see. It felt like cruel and unusual punishment to leave me in anticipation and not just tell me what I was about to see.
When I went around the corner I couldn't process what I was looking at. I thought they were showing me a large tumor or growth of some kind, but why would a tumor be in a big incubation chamber with tubes connected to IVs and machines coming out of it?
As I got closer, I started to see human fetchers on it. It was mostly just a 6-pound lump of flesh, but I could see a hand sticking out of it. It was small, but what made it creepy was it looked like a fully developed man's hand. Just small. I could see a patch of hair coming out of what I assumed was its head. It had no discernible facial features. Just a few teeth scattered in one section.
As I looked at it with disgust, coming to terms with this thing that was just in my body, I had a realization. I wasn't feeling sick at the thought of something being in my body. Sure, I was grossed out that this particular thing was just in me, but the thought of the bacteria in my body didn't make me want to throw up. I thought about all the blood pumping through my veins and I felt… normal. Not only was the voice and kicking gone. But my OCD was gone too. I didn't have a mental illness. It was just this thing. Trying to find its way out for years.
As I was staring at the creature, the doctor came and put his hand on my shoulder.
"We believe this is your twin brother." I immediately looked up at my parents who looked very disturbed and upset. I let the doctor finish talking. "We believe that you absorbed him in the womb and that he has been living inside you your whole life. This is an extremely rare condition called fetus-in-fetu. It seems he didn't quite have the best opportunity to develop normally. That's why he looks the way he does. Despite his appearance, he has all the organs he needs to survive. Looks like he's missing a lung and his gallbladder. Also a piece of his liver but other than that, it looks like he will live for at least a few years. He won't be able to leave this room due to him needing a feeding tube and a few other things that his body can not do on its own. He needs lots of support just to live. What makes this situation extremely unique is that your twin is still alive despite your body not sustaining him anymore. Even though we have him hooked up to a few IVs and machines, It is unexplainable how he is living while outside of your body."
I was in complete shock. I didn't want to believe it. I asked my mom why she never told me I absorbed my twin in the womb, she said she had no clue. There was never a sign when she was pregnant with me.
He also mentioned that sometimes even in pregnancies women will go their whole pregnancy without even getting a belly. It's called a 'Cryptic pregnancy'. I've always had a bit of a gut but never anything big enough to cause suspicion. I guess in my case I had a fetus-fetu and an experience similar to a cryptic pregnancy. Even though it was in my stomach. At least that was the doctor's best guess. Although, it all sounded like BS to me.
The doctor and my parents kept trying to explain more and more details to me. I don't know why they didn't slow down a little bit for my sake. How could they not tell I wasn't processing any of this?
I noticed something while they were trying to explain things to me. They kept calling it a 'He'.
Now listen. I'm not some kind of asshole that won't respect someone who wants to be called a specific pronoun. I've never been that kind of person. But this is where I draw the line.
Not just that. But this thing had a name. My parents named it and said today was its birthday. While they told me all this information, they didn't look happy about it. It seemed like they were forced to do all this nonsense. And now it was my turn to be convinced. I could tell they were trying to force it.
The doctor told me despite it not having a high probability for a long life that we should still try and give it the love it deserves. Of course, the doctor referred to it as a 'He' but I refused to.
This disgusted me. This thing tried to kill me and ruined my quality of life for so long, and now we are going to treat it like it's some kind of prince? No, absolutely not.
Luckily, it seemed like it would never leave the hospital, but my parents planned on going to visit it daily. Visiting it? Are you kidding me? it has no eyes, no ears, it's probably miserable and has no concept of people even being around it.
I'm refusing to ever see this thing again or acknowledge its existence again.
I could get in trouble for even talking about this. The hospital or anyone involved has signed NDAs to not share any information about this until it officially dies. This is because it's a medical anomaly and the first of its kind. They want to do the proper research on how this all occurred before coming out with a statement. I just have to get this all off my chest. I feel like I'm the crazy one here when I know I'm not. I don't care if I get in trouble.
I am scared that the doctors are trying to force my parents into giving this thing a proper life. I think that's why it took them so long to tell me. I think they scared my parents into keeping it alive and guilting them or even forcing them into being its parent.
I'm all for every life being important and all that stuff, but I have a feeling my parents are terrified of this thing just like I am.
I am convinced they gaslit my parents into believing this thing is my brother. If there wasn't any sign of him while my mom was pregnant with me, could this thing be something else?
This all happened about two years ago. It's still alive and they are still researching it. My parents continue to visit it despite everything. My therapist told me that I'm probably just struggling with jealousy now that I'm not an only child anymore and so much of my parents' attention is on him now, but it's so much bigger than just jealousy.
Since this thing showed up and my OCD is pretty much gone, I've hardly seen my parents. I know I'm not just jealous. There is something more to this. I know it.
Something just feels so off about this whole thing. What is this thing? Where did it come from? And what does it want?

(This was originally posted in Wedding Shaming)
Strap in y’all, it’s a long one and it’s full of bad. Have some kitten videos ready for after!
So let me preface this by saying I am estranged from my mother and have been for most of my life. She is a paranoid narcissist, a racist, a homophobe, a xenophobe, and just all around terrible person. She abused me growing up so I cut loose in high school, got emancipated and got on with my life. For years I had a happy queer relationship with another woman and we had a son together (I carried with a sperm donor). When my kid was 5 his other mom died and I was alone for 5 years before I met someone. A year later, that someone and I got married. Previous to said wedding my husband’s parents felt it would be important to meet my parents. My father died when I was 19 so that left my mother and her husband. I struggled over the decision to try and reconnect with my mom, knowing how bad this can get for me in these situations (I suffer severe ptsd from the abuse trauma).. but it was a wedding and everyone kept telling me it “was important to have family together.” So fine, let’s do this.
The problems started fast and furious. My mom came to our coast (we live on opposite coasts) to meet my fiancé and my son. Right away she was pulling my husband to the corner to tell him all the “dirt” she could on me, or conversely, telling him he better get me nice cars and plastic surgery. Then she stated calling all of her friends and putting my fiancé on the phone to “prove to them that her daughter was marrying a doctor” (even if he is a goy (a Yiddish term for non-Jew. Has slightly derogatory tones).
Cut to lunch and my mother is asking how many tables she “gets” at the wedding. I ask “huh?” She explains she needs a least 5 tables at 10 per table for HER guests. I was really confused. I explained that our whole wedding venue seated 50 people total and those seats were spoken for. I had invited several people my mother asked me to have already. She went absolutely bananas demanding we change venue (we’re now 6 weeks from the wedding) to accommodate HER GUESTS. I painfully explained we can’t do that.. it’s not possible.. just no. She then switches gears like she always does and asks about our honeymoon. We were heading to Mexico for 2 weeks and my son would be staying with his donomyBFF. My mom screamed “what??? He needs to be with HIS FAMILY.” I reminded her that he was staying with family. She demanded time with my son so I half heartedly said she could have him half the time. (This will come back to haunt me later.)
Day of the wedding. Did I mention my mom is a low key alkie? So it’s about 2pm and she’s in the bridal suite in the bathroom. I’m in the dress and the photographer is waiting for my mother to come and use an antique button-holer to button up my gown. I’m nervous and excited and emotional because I’m in the dress and this is my day. This is one of the photos we had pre-planned to take. I asked my mother if she would do the honors. Instead, my mother is in the bathroom half dressed with her fireball and ice screaming into the phone at her husband “you are so stupid, how can you not find it!? I put it on the damn dresser! I can’t f**ing believe I married you…” you get the picture. It’s so loud the guests in the living room can hear it. I finally give up and have my son do the buttonholing for me (the pics were so special). Thank goodness it wasn’t video because you would have her my mother screaming “Can anyone get me another drink?? Does this room even have room service??”
Cut to walking down the aisle. We do the ceremony, it’s perfect, and my delightful friend and officiant announces “Introducing Mr. & Mrs Jon— when suddenly my mom stands up and screams “It’s DOCTOR not MISTER, get it right!”
Now I knew we had a problem on our hands ahead of the big day so I put in some contingency plans in place to buffer her. My wedding planner was under strict instructions to not allow my mother to make a speech (she loves to humiliate me by saying personal things about me to anyone who will listen and then she loves to announce what a terrible daughter I am and how much of a disappointment to her.) Second plan was my SIL faking a heart attack if she got her hands on the mic. About half thru dinner my delightful planner comes to me crying saying she’s so sorry but my mom is demanding to make a speech. That’s right, this tiny demon of a woman made my wedding planner CRY. Right then she stood up (have no idea how she got the mic) and said, “So my daughter didn’t want me to say anything. I guess she gets embarrassed, but I’m her MOTHER, and I get to say whatever I want. I’m here to say that I always knew she was going to marry a doctor, it didn’t surprise me at all. What did surprise me is when I gave birth to her and the nurses told me she was a girl, but I didn’t believe them so I had to take her diaper off and spread her legs and look at her vagina to make sure she was a girl.” She illustrated this by spreading her two fingers open. You could here jaws dropping around the room. She then went on to say “how disappointed she was in me that I don’t see her more often and that she hopes now that I have a doctor husband I’ll be able to see her more frequently”. Sadly my SIL was in the loo and plan 2 failed.
Cut to the dancing. I am dancing with my husband and my friends. We’re all having a good time when somebody comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “hey, I don’t wanna cause a scene or anything but you might want to look at your mom”. I look over at my mother and she has taken off the jacket to her dress and now she’s peeling off the shoulder straps one by one and waving her head around to the music saying “oh my goodness it’s getting so hot in here!” This b*tch was trying to take her clothes off on the dance floor. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that she had a three drink maximum, but she was getting around this by asking other people to get drinks for her.
The next morning I of course got to hear alllllll the embarrassing stories from the night before. She asked why my friend married “an Arab,” called another guest “not Jewish enough to attend the wedding” and complained to anyone who would listen that I didn’t even allow her 50 guests, and the party would have been so much more fun if she had done it.
And the pièce derésistance? Right as we were leaving for our honeymoon I got a call from her saying “I know you need ME to watch YOUR kid, but not unless you do something for me. You’ll need to call your brother and make nice with him again.” My brother and I are estranged for reasons I can’t get into now. I said no, he’ll go to his real family, the one that cares for him without strings attached.
There you have it! One cluster fluff of a mother story!
For anyone interested, we don’t talk anymore and I couldn’t be happier and I’m still happily married! Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Ok, just a few clarifications for people asking Q’s-
In answer to the question about my in laws- My in laws are the sweetest, kindest people ever. I honestly think they had no idea a human adult could behave like that. I wanted to please them and I didn’t say a whole lot about my mother. I didn’t want them to see her as a red flag for the marriage. They never mentioned her again 😂 which was their way of acknowledging she’s not worth talking about.
For those of you judging me for half heartedly agreeing to let my kid visit my mom-totally get your stress! Don’t worry, she never had contact with my kid alone. For clarity, he was going to spend four days with a safe family where my mother happened to be staying as well. By the end of the weekend it was clear that even that was too close.
For those of you wondering why I would even let her come to the wedding - Some people (like me) relent and reopen because our abusers did a very good job of breaking us and making us question everything we think and believe. So every time some well meaning idiot Said “Aw, you should take to your mom! She’s your mom!” We think “Omg, my mom is right. I’m the worst f**king daughter ever and I’ve been ignoring her all these years and there must be something so wrong with me that I did that.”
Now, after YEARS of therapy and support I know better. Back then I was still pretty deep in my trauma.

For your final writing assignment, you will write a persuasive essay/letter to Teacher. The purpose of your letter should be to effect change at school for the future, whether it be next year or further into the future. Focus on problems or issues at school that you believe need to be addressed. You need to acknowledge the issue(s), come up with solutions, and then clearly explain how those solutions should be implemented. All solutions and implementation must be realistically achievable.
Your essay must be at least 3 pages long, double-spaced, 12-point font.
All essays will be printed out, signed, and delivered to Teacher . This is due Friday, May 17th, @ midnight.
NOTE: Your persuasive essay must be realistic. DO NOT WRITE A JOKE ESSAY. YOU WILL FAIL.
Important elements of persuasive writing to remember:

• Position: Writers need to clearly state their positions on their topics in order to persuade their readers. If a writer is not clear about his/her beliefs on the topic, s/he stands little chance of convincing someone else to make a change. In addition, when writers collaborate on a persuasive piece of writing, all involved must agree to support the same position. Sometimes writers even take a position they do not personally agree with and work to explain that position. You should emphasize this last point as students will be working in groups to develop their own persuasive letters. All students in a group must agree to adopt one single position in their letter.
• Attention to Audience: Writers need to adjust their writing based on their audience. This is especially true when the goal of the writing is to persuade the reader to take action. The writing style will be formal when the audience is a person in a position of authority and casual when the audience is a friend or family member. Illustrate the differences in formal and casual writing by asking students to consider the differences in the ways that they write notes (or emails) to their friends versus the way they would write a letter (or email) to the President of the United States.
• Factual Support: In order to be convincing, a persuasive piece of writing needs to include factual details. Provide students with examples of factual support (i.e., data, anecdotes, interviews, information from other sources such as newspapers and books, and so forth). Students will be using their own experiences and observations as factual support for their persuasive letters. (If you are interested in having your students practice this aspect of effective persuasive writing further, please see the extension activity focusing on Internet research following the lesson.)
• Effective Word Choice: Persuasive language is strong but appropriate. Writers need to choose words that are also descriptive and specific. An excellent example of effective word choice is Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech.
• Ethos: Ethos is the credibility to write. Discuss what gives a particular writer credibility to write a persuasive piece of writing. Give students examples of people who would be considered credible sources on particular topics (i.e., a doctor on health issues, a teacher on education, a government official on local political issues). Ask students to consider what gives them credibility to write about school issues.

Here's a video for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzpLrh0EdZY
My sample size of autistic people who speak with like the same intonation and speech pattern as her is now at 3 (including her), I think there's a pattern here (that us folks are more likely to speak like she does at the very least??)?? This thing I've observed is regardless of gender and assigned sex at birth, so don't discount yourself if you don't match with hers

On today’s episode of Catholic Shenanigans I introduce you to Harrison Butkiss (whoops did I say that?) when he’s not slipping and falling on the football field he’s giving half ass commencement speeches at various colleges. His most recent one has resulted in a massive scandal. Before we delve into this sordid tale let me introduce you to some of his hobbies. Crushing his wife’s career and having children… Btw his wife is an extremely accomplished woman who holds a degree in computer science and Spanish.
Let’s go back to the speech in it he hits the trifecta of Catholic talking points, he manages to be anti LGBTQ, rail against IVF and tells women their lives don’t begin until they have babies. (Hold on I thought life began at conception…it’s not to late for an abortion for me!!)
The part that irritates me the most is when he says “embrace your roles as homemakers” directing this comment at women. It’s so inappropriate to say at a college graduation. What’s worse is his mother holds a masters degree and works in oncology at Emory University. He’s crapping on all accomplished women an boiling all of us down to our reproductive abilities and domestic use.
If we look at his instagram we can see he has virtually no pictures of his family or wife and the entire page is made up of pictures of him in carefully manicured suits with bible verses in the caption. Unlike most NFL stars who take time to appreciate their partners Butkiss does not even acknowledge the existence of Isabelle his most accomplished wife.
The only time he speaks about his wife is when he’s praising her for embracing her role as a baby machine and human laundry mat. In the next breath he attempts to be cleaver and works in a Taylor Swift quote while referring to yet another accomplished woman as “my teammates girlfriend” and smirks while doing it. Nothing illustrates the distain that he holds for women like this quote. Almost as if to say Taylor would be no one without Travis and she is defined by her relationship.
It’s good that this kind of rhetoric is making it to the mainstream. I want everyone to see what theses so called “traditional Catholics” are about..rewinding time to a day when women couldn’t buy houses, hold property or open a line of credit….

A Daily chronicle of AI Innovations May 16th 2024:

🤔 Microsoft’s AI ambitions lead to 30% rise in emissions 🪫 Stability AI reportedly runs out of money and in negotiations to sell
🍎Apple unveils AI-enhanced eye tracking, music haptics, voice shortcuts
🤖Humane’s AI Pin upgraded with GPT-4o
💸Stability AI seeks buyer amid financial woes
📽️Mozilla Firefox incorporates NVIDIA RTX video to improve video quality on Windows
☁️Musk's AI firm xAI In talks with Oracle for $10 billion cloud deal
❄️Snowflake invests in Metaplane to enhance data quality
😱 Ilya Sutskever and Jan Leike leave OpenAI
📱 Android phones enter the AI era
🗣️ How to clone your voice using AI
🤔 Microsoft’s AI ambitions lead to 30% rise in emissions Microsoft’s AI ambitions lead to 30% rise in emissions

• Microsoft's commitment to being carbon-negative by 2030 is threatened by a 30% increase in its carbon emissions, largely due to its growing focus on AI technologies.
• The company's expansion of AI operations necessitates building more data centers, which rely on energy-intensive materials like steel, concrete, and microchips, further complicating their carbon reduction goals.
• Despite its renewable energy claims, Microsoft is acknowledged for using instruments like renewable energy credits (RECs) that might mask actual carbon emissions, indicating a challenging path ahead to meet its sustainability targets.
• Source

Stability AI reportedly runs out of money and in negotiations to sell

• Stability AI, known for its open-source image generator Stable Diffusion, is negotiating a sale due to financial struggles, despite a valuation of $1 billion.
• The company raised over $100 million in 2022 but struggled to turn its free software into revenue while facing stiff competition from rivals like OpenAI and Midjourney.
• Founder and CEO Emad Mostaque resigned amid management issues, and the company faces significant expenses and liabilities, projecting $153 million in costs against only $11 million in revenue for 2023.
• Source

Apple unveils AI-enhanced eye tracking, music haptics, voice shortcuts

Apple recently unveiled new accessibility features that will launch later this year. One of these features is Eye Tracking, which enables users with physical disabilities to navigate their iPhones and iPads using only their eyes.
By leveraging the front-facing camera and AI, Eye Tracking allows precise control through a “Dwell Control” feature, eliminating the need for additional hardware.

Another noteworthy addition is Music Haptics, designed for users who are deaf or hard of hearing. When enabled, the Taptic Engine in iPhones plays taps, textures, and refined vibrations synchronized with music audio.
Additionally, Apple has introduced Voice Shortcut, which allows users to create custom voice commands for specific actions on their devices. With Voice Shortcut, users can perform tasks hands-free by simply speaking their personalized commands
Why does this matter?
This would encourage the development and advancement of AI technologies in the accessibility domain, ultimately benefiting individuals with disabilities across different platforms and devices.
Source

Humane’s AI Pin upgraded with GPT-4o

Humane has upgraded its popular AI Pin product with the GPT-4o model. This upgrade aims to enhance the AI Pin’s performance. The new version runs faster, provides more accurate answers, and offers richer information.
[ca
Why does this matter?
As more sophisticated AI models become accessible, we can expect further improvements in various applications, from digital assistants to natural language understanding and generation.
Source

Ilya Sutskever and Jan Leike leave OpenAI

OpenAI co-founder and chief scientist Ilya Sutskever announced that he is leaving the company — following months of speculation of Sutskever’s role from the November 2023 Sam Altman ousting.

• Sutskever said he is confident that OpenAI will ‘build AGI that is both safe and beneficial’ under the current leadership.
• Also leaving is Sutskever’s superalignment group co-lead Jan Leike, announcing his departure with a cryptic resignation post.
• The news follows months of departures largely coming from OpenAI’s superalignment and safety teams, fueling speculation.
• OpenAI CEO Sam Altman named Jakub Pachocki as the new chief scientist, a key researcher on the creation of GPT-4.

After months of tensions, the speculation around Ilya’s future with Sam is finally put to rest. But questions surrounding the safety team departures still remain. Also important to watch is where Sutskever and Leike land next, with two of AI’s brightest minds now officially on the market.

Android phones enter the AI era

Google announced a host of new AI integrations coming to Android phones at its I/O Developer Conference, bringing its powerful Gemini model on-device to enable upgraded smartphone experiences.

• Google’s Gemini Nano model will be integrated into the Pixel later this year, allowing for enhanced multimodal capabilities.
• Gemini features will be easily accessible with a new overlay, which improves and understand context to provide dynamic suggestions.
• A Circle to Search feature, allowing users to query anything on screen, gains homework help features via a LearnLM model.
• Google is also bringing a new AI security feature soon, providing real-time alerts on calls that appear to be scams.

While everyone awaits the iPhone AI announcements, Google’s Android AI era is rolling. With Gemini coming directly on-board, the potential is there — but if Apple integrates ChatGPT, it may remain tough sledding against the dominant market leader.
Source

AI TRAINING How to clone your voice using AI

A new model on Replicate called OpenVoice lets you clone any voice for free with just an audio file and the desired text to be turned into speech.
Step-by-step: Access OpenVoice on Replicate here and log in with your GitHub account. Upload the audio file of the voice you want to clone where it says ‘audio’. The longer, the better. Fill the ‘Text’ field with the text you want to convert into a speech. Click on the ‘Run’ button and listen/download the generated audio with the cloned voice!

New AI Job Opportunities on May 16th 2024

• Lambda - Manufacturing Quality Engineer
• Anthropic - People Operations Coordinator
• Figure AI - Humanoid Robot Pilot
• Luma AI - Senior Software engineer- Data infrastructure

What Else Is Happening in AI on May 16th 2024

‍Instagram co-founder joins Anthropic as head of product
Anthropic has appointed Mike Krieger, the co-founder of Instagram and Artifact, as head of product. In this pivotal role, Krieger will steer the company's product engineering, management, and design efforts as Anthropic expands its suite of AI apps and aims to bring Claude to a wider audience. (Link)
IBM plans 800 new jobs in Ireland
IBM plans to hire up to 800 more people in Ireland to help build advanced software underpinned by AI technology. This is the biggest job announcement in the country’s multinational sector this year. The roles will be in research and development, digital sales, and consulting. (Link)
Mozilla Firefox incorporates NVIDIA RTX video to improve video quality on Windows
Mozilla Firefox has incorporated NVIDIA RTX Video, a technology that leverages AI to improve video quality on Windows PCs and workstations. This brings a host of AI-powered enhancements to online videos, including upscaling and HDR, for a more immersive viewing experience. Users can easily access these features by updating GeForce RTX drivers and activating Windows HDR. (Link)
Musk's AI firm xAI In talks with Oracle for $10 billion cloud deal
Elon Musk’s AI startup, xAI, is in talks with Oracle executives about a $10 billion deal to rent cloud servers from Oracle over several years. This move comes as Musk’s company seeks to keep pace with rivals like OpenAI, Microsoft, and Google to dominate the AI field. (Link)
Snowflake invests in Metaplane to enhance data quality
Snowflake, a data cloud platform, has invested in Metaplane, a Boston-based startup. Metaplane focuses on helping enterprises identify and rectify data quality issues using an end-to-end AI-powered platform. The investment aims to enhance integration between Metaplane’s data observability offering and the Snowflake data cloud. (Link)

Enjoying these updates? Support me by downloading and subscribing to my AI educational Apps below: Wonderland Bedtime AdventuresRead Aloud For Me - Safe AI for All - WebRead Aloud for me - Safe Ai for All - iOS Read Aloud for me - Safe AI For All - AndroidRead Aloud For me - Safe AI For All - Windows

Microsoft’s AI ambitions lead to 30% rise in emissions

• Microsoft's commitment to being carbon-negative by 2030 is threatened by a 30% increase in its carbon emissions, largely due to its growing focus on AI technologies.
• The company's expansion of AI operations necessitates building more data centers, which rely on energy-intensive materials like steel, concrete, and microchips, further complicating their carbon reduction goals.
• Despite its renewable energy claims, Microsoft is acknowledged for using instruments like renewable energy credits (RECs) that might mask actual carbon emissions, indicating a challenging path ahead to meet its sustainability targets.
• Source

Stability AI reportedly runs out of money and in negotiations to sell

• Stability AI, known for its open-source image generator Stable Diffusion, is negotiating a sale due to financial struggles, despite a valuation of $1 billion.
• The company raised over $100 million in 2022 but struggled to turn its free software into revenue while facing stiff competition from rivals like OpenAI and Midjourney.
• Founder and CEO Emad Mostaque resigned amid management issues, and the company faces significant expenses and liabilities, projecting $153 million in costs against only $11 million in revenue for 2023.
• Source

Apple unveils AI-enhanced eye tracking, music haptics, voice shortcuts

Apple recently unveiled new accessibility features that will launch later this year. One of these features is Eye Tracking, which enables users with physical disabilities to navigate their iPhones and iPads using only their eyes.
By leveraging the front-facing camera and AI, Eye Tracking allows precise control through a “Dwell Control” feature, eliminating the need for additional hardware.

Microsoft’s AI ambitions lead to 30% rise in emissions

• Microsoft's commitment to being carbon-negative by 2030 is threatened by a 30% increase in its carbon emissions, largely due to its growing focus on AI technologies.
• The company's expansion of AI operations necessitates building more data centers, which rely on energy-intensive materials like steel, concrete, and microchips, further complicating their carbon reduction goals.
• Despite its renewable energy claims, Microsoft is acknowledged for using instruments like renewable energy credits (RECs) that might mask actual carbon emissions, indicating a challenging path ahead to meet its sustainability targets.
• Source

Stability AI reportedly runs out of money and in negotiations to sell

• Stability AI, known for its open-source image generator Stable Diffusion, is negotiating a sale due to financial struggles, despite a valuation of $1 billion.
• The company raised over $100 million in 2022 but struggled to turn its free software into revenue while facing stiff competition from rivals like OpenAI and Midjourney.
• Founder and CEO Emad Mostaque resigned amid management issues, and the company faces significant expenses and liabilities, projecting $153 million in costs against only $11 million in revenue for 2023.
• Source

Apple unveils AI-enhanced eye tracking, music haptics, voice shortcuts

Apple recently unveiled new accessibility features that will launch later this year. One of these features is Eye Tracking, which enables users with physical disabilities to navigate their iPhones and iPads using only their eyes.
By leveraging the front-facing camera and AI, Eye Tracking allows precise control through a “Dwell Control” feature, eliminating the need for additional hardware.
https://finance.yahoo.com/news/microsoft-ai-push-imperils-climate-160020868.html
🪫 Stability AI reportedly runs out of money and in negotiations to sell
Stability AI, known for its open-source image generator Stable Diffusion, is negotiating a sale due to financial struggles, despite a valuation of $1 billion. The company raised over $100 million in 2022 but struggled to turn its free software into revenue while facing stiff competition from rivals like OpenAI and Midjourney. Founder and CEO Emad Mostaque resigned amid management issues, and the company faces significant expenses and liabilities, projecting $153 million in costs against only $11 million in revenue for 2023. Source: https://the-decoder.com/stability-ai-reportedly-runs-out-of-money-and-in-negotiations-to-sell/
Apple unveils AI-enhanced eye tracking, music haptics, voice shortcuts
Apple recently unveiled new accessibility features that will launch later this year. One of these features is Eye Tracking, which enables users with physical disabilities to navigate their iPhones and iPads using only their eyes.
By leveraging the front-facing camera and AI, Eye Tracking allows precise control through a “Dwell Control” feature, eliminating the need for additional hardware.
Another noteworthy addition is Music Haptics, designed for users who are deaf or hard of hearing. When enabled, the Taptic Engine in iPhones plays taps, textures, and refined vibrations synchronized with music audio.
Additionally, Apple has introduced Voice Shortcut, which allows users to create custom voice commands for specific actions on their devices. With Voice Shortcut, users can perform tasks hands-free by simply speaking their personalized commands
Why does this matter?
This would encourage the development and advancement of AI technologies in the accessibility domain, ultimately benefiting individuals with disabilities across different platforms and devices.
Source: https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2024/05/apple-announces-new-accessibility-features-including-eye-tracking
Humane’s AI Pin upgraded with GPT-4o
Humane has upgraded its popular AI Pin product with the GPT-4o model. This upgrade aims to enhance the AI Pin’s performance. The new version runs faster, provides more accurate answers, and offers richer information.
Why does this matter?
As more sophisticated AI models become accessible, we can expect further improvements in various applications, from digital assistants to natural language understanding and generation.
Source: https://www.theverge.com/2024/5/15/24157731/humane-says-its-ai-pins-just-got-a-gpt-4o-upgrade
😱 Ilya Sutskever and Jan Leike leave OpenAI
Ilya Sutskever and Jan Leike leave OpenAI OpenAI co-founder and chief scientist Ilya Sutskever announced that he is leaving the company — following months of speculation of Sutskever’s role from the November 2023 Sam Altman ousting.
Sutskever said he is confident that OpenAI will ‘build AGI that is both safe and beneficial’ under the current leadership.
Also leaving is Sutskever’s superalignment group co-lead Jan Leike, announcing his departure with a cryptic resignation post.
The news follows months of departures largely coming from OpenAI’s superalignment and safety teams, fueling speculation.
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman named Jakub Pachocki as the new chief scientist, a key researcher on the creation of GPT-4.
After months of tensions, the speculation around Ilya’s future with Sam is finally put to rest. But questions surrounding the safety team departures still remain. Also important to watch is where Sutskever and Leike land next, with two of AI’s brightest minds now officially on the market.
📱 Android phones enter the AI era
Android phones enter the AI era Google announced a host of new AI integrations coming to Android phones at its I/O Developer Conference, bringing its powerful Gemini model on-device to enable upgraded smartphone experiences.
Google’s Gemini Nano model will be integrated into the Pixel later this year, allowing for enhanced multimodal capabilities.
Gemini features will be easily accessible with a new overlay, which improves and understand context to provide dynamic suggestions.
A Circle to Search feature, allowing users to query anything on screen, gains homework help features via a LearnLM model.
Google is also bringing a new AI security feature soon, providing real-time alerts on calls that appear to be scams.
While everyone awaits the iPhone AI announcements, Google’s Android AI era is rolling. With Gemini coming directly on-board, the potential is there — but if Apple integrates ChatGPT, it may remain tough sledding against the dominant market leader.
Source: https://blog.google/products/android/google-ai-android-update-io-2024
AI TRAINING 🗣️ How to clone your voice using AI
How to clone your voice using AI
A new model on Replicate called OpenVoice lets you clone any voice for free with just an audio file and the desired text to be turned into speech.
Step-by-step:
Access OpenVoice on Replicate here at https://replicate.com/cjwbw/openvoice and log in with your GitHub account.
Upload the audio file of the voice you want to clone where it says ‘audio’. The longer, the better.
Fill the ‘Text’ field with the text you want to convert into a speech.
Click on the ‘Run’ button and listen/download the generated audio with the cloned voice!
New AI Job Opportunities on May 16th 2024
🔬 Lambda - Manufacturing Quality Engineer: https://jobs.therundown.ai/jobs/59796724-manufacturing-quality-enginee
📋 Anthropic - People Operations Coordinator:
https://jobs.therundown.ai/jobs/59882127-people-operations-coordinator
🤖 Figure AI - Humanoid Robot Pilot: https://jobs.therundown.ai/jobs/59875233-humanoid-robot-pilot-evening-shift
💻 Luma AI - Senior Software engineer- Data infrastructure: https://jobs.therundown.ai/jobs/59880695-senior-software-engineer-data-infrastructure
What Else Is Happening in AI on May 16th 2024❗
🧑‍Instagram co-founder joins Anthropic as head of product
Anthropic has appointed Mike Krieger, the co-founder of Instagram and Artifact, as head of product. In this pivotal role, Krieger will steer the company's product engineering, management, and design efforts as Anthropic expands its suite of AI apps and aims to bring Claude to a wider audience. (Link: https://techcrunch.com/2024/05/15/anthropic-hires-instagram-co-founder-as-head-of-product)
💼 IBM plans 800 new jobs in Ireland
IBM plans to hire up to 800 more people in Ireland to help build advanced software underpinned by AI technology. This is the biggest job announcement in the country’s multinational sector this year. The roles will be in research and development, digital sales, and consulting. (Link: https://www.reuters.com/technology/ibm-add-800-ai-related-jobs-ireland-2024-05-15)
📽️Mozilla Firefox incorporates NVIDIA RTX video to improve video quality on Windows
Mozilla Firefox has incorporated NVIDIA RTX Video, a technology that leverages AI to improve video quality on Windows PCs and workstations. This brings a host of AI-powered enhancements to online videos, including upscaling and HDR, for a more immersive viewing experience. Users can easily access these features by updating GeForce RTX drivers and activating Windows HDR. (Link: https://blogs.nvidia.com/blog/ai-decoded-rtxvideo-firefox)
☁️Musk's AI firm xAI In talks with Oracle for $10 billion cloud deal
Elon Musk’s AI startup, xAI, is in talks with Oracle executives about a $10 billion deal to rent cloud servers from Oracle over several years. This move comes as Musk’s company seeks to keep pace with rivals like OpenAI, Microsoft, and Google to dominate the AI field. (Link; https://www.reuters.com/technology/elon-musks-xai-nears-10-bln-deal-rent-oracles-ai-servers-information-reports-2024-05-14)
❄️Snowflake invests in Metaplane to enhance data quality
Snowflake, a data cloud platform, has invested in Metaplane, a Boston-based startup. Metaplane focuses on helping enterprises identify and rectify data quality issues using an end-to-end AI-powered platform. The investment aims to enhance integration between Metaplane’s data observability offering and the Snowflake data cloud. (Link: https://venturebeat.com/data-infrastructure/snowflake-invests-in-metaplane-to-solve-data-quality-issues-plaguing-ai-development)
Enjoying these updates? Support me by downloading and subscribing to my AI educational Apps below: https://readaloudforme.com/index_ai_bedtime_stories.html
image.png Wonderland Bedtime Adventures Read Aloud For Me - Safe AI for All - Web Read Aloud for me - Safe Ai for All - iOS Read Aloud for me - Safe AI For All - Android Read Aloud For me - Safe AI For All - Windows
========= Thank you for your support.

Now, personally I've been flipping off the camera every single time I take a sample. Even rolling samples... Has anyone ever gotten in trouble for doing that? I know it falls under freedom of speech. However, I still wonder if it's happened.

Have you ever experienced something that shook you to your very core? Something that makes you remember every single little detail of your surroundings from that moment in time? Even years after? I can remember so vividly the moment I realized something was wrong with me. I was in my junior year of high school sitting in class, just like any other day. I remember the smell of erasers and cheap cologne that permeated off my classmate who sat next to me. I remember the scratchy tag on my t-shirt and how I was resisting taking it off in the middle of class just to cut it off. I remember what my teacher, Mrs. Brown, was talking about; 'the fall of Constantinople'. My mouth felt dry and I kept looking at the clock, counting down the minutes until I had lunch so I could get a soda. The sound of a pen clicking behind me was synchronized with the song that was stuck in my head.
All those things were going through my brain at once. My ADHD mind went a million miles per minute when it all came down to a cashing holt when I felt it at 11:23
I felt what I can only describe as a hand grabbing at the inner lining of my stomach. It didn't necessarily hurt, not at this point. That's not why I got so scared. You see, not only do I have ADHD. I also have OCD that manifests itself in the fear of anything growing or moving inside me. Even if I think about the concept of blood moving in my body or a heart that is beating in my chest, I have to think of something else. I've had full-blown panic attacks because of it. The closest term for this is 'Tokophobia'. That's technically the fear of pregnancy. I'm a guy, so it's not completely accurate but it's really the closest term. I mean, I also do have a huge fear of pregnancy. Not necessarily of me being pregnant, but even though I knew I could never get pregnant, the thought of it still made me feel sick
I bet you can imagine the terror that overcame me as I felt something moving in me. I made an audible groan and grabbed my stomach. My whole class turned to look at me. even my teacher stopped talking to ask if I was okay. I stood up and started to run to the nurses' office without even acknowledging my teacher. My first thought wasn't thinking that something was actually in my body. Even stomach aches and the feeling of gurgling in my stomach made me feel this way before. I didn't have anything on hand to help with a stomach ache, unfortunately. However, the nurse always did.
I sprinted across the school hoping and praying that my stomach wouldn't make that awful feeling again before I got there.
I turned the corner into the nurses' office with my tennis shoes squeaking in the process. I saw the school nurse, Mrs. Kennedy sitting on the couch in her office reading a magazine. She looked up at me with a sweet smile that quickly turned into worry.
"Sam, what is it? How can I help?" She said as she stood up and hurried over to me. Putting her hand over mine which was grabbing my stomach tightly.
"It's…It's my stomach. Something is wrong with it." I mumbled with a red face.
She shuffled her way over to her large medicine cabinet and she motioned for me to sit down.
She asked me questions about my stomach. Asking if it was pain, grumbling, cramps, nausea, etc. As she was asking me what my symptoms were and digging through bottles, The feeling happened again. However, this time was different. It felt like fingers grassing against the inside of my body. I screamed and wrapped my arms around my torso. Mrs. Kenneddy ran over to me to comfort me.
"This seems a lot worse than normal, maybe we should call your parents." She said as she put her hand on my back.
It felt like some days I saw Mrs. Kennedy more than my teachers. Any small ailment would distract me so badly from class that I had to go see her. Sometimes multiple times a day. She knew at this point when something was really wrong.
Within about 30 minutes both my parents were there with us. That may seem fast, but I'm an only child and my parents are very aware of my tendencies. They know I can spiral and like to be around if it happens.
They kept asking me where the pain was. I think they assumed by the way I wasn't responding to their questions the pain must've been really bad. The reality was that I just didn't know how to tell them what was going on.
I got so frustrated after they asked me over and over again that I just yelled at them.
"Something is inside me! Get it out, get it out, get it out!" I lifted my shirt and was ripping at my stomach. Leaving red nail scratches and cuts. My mom and dad ran to either side of me to grab my arms. Mrs. Kennedy had seen me go pretty crazy, but this was the worst I've ever gotten in front of her. My parents however had seen a similar situation before. Not exactly like this, but they didn't skip a beat on trying to help me.
"Sam. Breath, sweety. Just remember everything is in you for a reason. It's keeping you alive. Nothing is going to hurt you." My mom said softly to me. Trying to calm me down with the words my therapist gave her. "Ice cubes, get him ice cubes!" She said to Mrs. Kennedy as I started to hyperventilate.
Mrs. Kennedy grabbed a ziplock bag and started to fill it with ice cubes. My mom went over to her and grabbed an ice cube right out of the bag, opened up my hand, and put the ice cube in it. This worked in the past to distract me, I knew that's what she was doing, and trust me. I wanted it to work too, but this was different. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a different feeling I hadn't felt before. That it wasn't possible something was physically inside my body. But I couldn't help it.
Everyone in the room could see that this was getting intense. I think they assumed it was just a mental breakdown and that nothing was physically wrong with my body but I didn't care. I just wanted help.
My parents got me into the car with my mom even sitting in the backseat with me. She kept trying to distract me with conversation but my mind was only on that awful feeling in my stomach.
We pulled up to the ER and my mom guided me in while holding both my wrists. It felt like she was walking me on a leash but I didn't fight it. I knew she was just trying to stop me from scratching my stomach.
We walked in and I spoke to the receptionist. All I said was that I had terrible pain in my stomach. I didn't want to sound too crazy. I just needed a doctor to look at whatever was going on.
After giving the receptionist my name and insurance information we went to sit down. I was sitting in between my parents and I could see my mom lean back to try and mouth something to my dad without me seeing. I didn't think much of it. I was way more worried about other things.
My dad then went up to the receptionist. He pointed over to me and she looked a little concerned. I saw her pick up the clipboard that had my information on it and she started writing something else on it. I asked my dad what he did and he just said to not worry and that he wanted to let her know it was urgent.
No more than 10 minutes went by and I felt a terrible moving sensation. I cringed and grabbed my stomach. Immediately followed by not just the feeling of a hand grabbing my insides but also scratching and pinching. I yelled out in pain as the other people in the waiting room looked at me mortified.
A doctor and a couple of nurses came running over to me and helped me up. But I couldn't stand up. I was in too much pain. They put me in a wheelchair and started to head for a room. However, they didn't take me through the normal big ER doors that went to the standard examination rooms, they took me and my parents through a smaller door to the side that had a padlock on it.
We walked through a white hallway that was very quiet. The doctor and nurses showed us to my room and helped me into my bed as I was wiggling and wincing. I had one parent on either side of me. Patiently waited to stop my arms from scratching.
The doctor was trying to ask further questions but he could tell it wasn't going anywhere. I knew that my dad probably told that receptionist about my OCD tendencies and that I needed to go to the psych ward. Not just to the stranded side of the ER.
I couldn't take it anymore and blurted out that something was inside my stomach and it was trying to get out.
The doctor just looked at my parents for a reaction and they gave him a sad nod. It was like they warned him that this could happen. The doctor didn't just think I was crazy, my parents did too. The doctor took a deep breath and came up to me. I knew I was about to hear some kind of dumb speech about how this was just my OCD and everything was going to be okay.
As he came closer to me, I pulled up my shirt and he gasped. Not only was my stomach scratched up like crazy, but we saw movement. It looked like when a pregnant woman can see her baby kicking. But this was so much stronger. It was stretching my skin.
My parents stood up and gasped while the doctor looked frantic and unprepared.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" The doctor said as he backed out of the room. "Hang on! We are getting this taken care of, just hang tight."
Just seconds later a nurse came in to give me some painkillers. I started to feel the pain slip away, but something so much worse started to creep in. I heard a voice. Not my own. Not some creepy-sounding creature, but the voice of a normal-sounding man that I'd never heard before. But that wasn't the scary part. The scary part was what he was saying to me.
"Get me out. Get me out. Get me out!"
It started in a normal tone, but slowly became more urgent and rushed. Then demanding.
The voice would coincide with the moment inside me.
It was getting so loud that I was having a hard time hearing the people around me. The doctor came in just a few minutes after I last saw him. He was red and sweaty. Like he'd just run a marathon. He told me they needed to do just a few tests on what was inside me before taking action.
I was trying so hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth but all I could hear was the voice. The voice stopped for just a second and changed what he was saying. Now he started repeating,
"Cut me out, cut me out, cut me out, now!" I now knew this thing didn't just want out but it wanted out now. I begged the doctor to just get it out now but he wouldn't listen. The voice spoke up again.
"This is taking too long. Don't be afraid. Get me out yourself."
I think it could feel me resisting. Without realizing it, I was looking around the room for something. It was like I didn't even have control over my head or eyes anymore. I knew the voice was looking for a knife but I was trying to ignore the feeling. I knew there weren't any knives around. I was in a very safe place.
Just as I had the feeling I was safe, it was immediately taken away. The thought passed through my head that my dad probably had a pocket knife on him. My heart sank. I knew this thing could hear my thoughts. I knew what it would try to do.
The next thing I knew, I was on my feet, leaping for my dad. My body hit his. luckily, he's in pretty good shape for his age and had no problems putting me in my place.
He got on top of me and pinned me to the ground. All while I could barely hear my mom in the background. Yelling at my dad to be careful. My dad knew something was going on and that I just needed to be on the ground until I calmed down.
My body tried to flail but it wasn't successful. The whole time the voice in my head, now yelling and screaming. Not saying any distinguishable words, but just having what felt like a tantrum. What made my dad the most uncomfortable was the kicking feeling coming from my stomach.
After a couple of minutes, the voice calmed down and I felt in charge of my body again. My dad slowly got up and attempted to help me up. At this point with an audience of hospital staff that looked like they were getting ready to take me somewhere for more tests.
Just as I stood up straight, I felt the voice take over and I lost all sense of my own body. I felt like a shell of myself. My dad gave me a soft yet worried smile, and in that instance, I grabbed him and reached into his pocket. My heart sank as I felt his pocket knife. The room started to panic and about 5 people tried to grab it from me. The last thing I remember is plunging the knife into my stomach. I felt a blinding pain and everything went black.
Several hours later I started to wake up. Everything was extremely blurry and fuzzy. I could hear a very faint voice telling me to relax. As the minutes passed by, things started to become a little bit clearer. I looked around and saw I was in a large room with a few other patients. A nurse was going up to all the beds and checking in on them. I tried to sit up a bit to get more comfortable and noticed an incredible sourness in my stomach. I moved my hospital gown out of the way and saw a huge scare. About 6" across. Most of the scare looked very surgical. Like what I'd imagine a c-section surgery would look like. Except where I remembered the knife going in. It looked like a bunch of extra stitches had to be added where it went in. It also looked pretty bruised. I can imagine that a dull 10-year-old knife that was harshly shoved into a body really wouldn't cleanly cut through and leave some damage.
The feeling of shock from looking at my stomach was quickly gone when I realized that meant whatever was in me was now gone. I didn't hear the voice, I didn't feel a hand in my gut anymore, I didn't see that vile kicking anymore. I felt like I could breathe.
I asked the nurse what they found and she looked flush.
"Uh, that's something that you, uh. Your doctor will talk with you once you eat something and can speak clearly." She said as she scurried off looking upset.
Shortly after that, I was wheeled into a recovery room and my parents came to see me.
As they walked in they had a very similar look on their faces as the nurse did. They looked pale and didn't want to look me in the eye. I kept asking them questions about what was going on but they said the doctor needed to discuss it with me and he wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling high from the anesthesia while we had a conversation.
The doctor didn't come and see me for another 10 hours. Which felt strange. And to add to the strangeness, my parents were taking shifts hanging out with me. There was only overlap when they switched and the other parent took over while the other one left the room. I would understand if they weren't both with me for the whole time. I'm not that needy, but they were only both in my room together for about an hour. That was the hour before the doctor came to my room.
Finally, the doctor came in to talk to me. When he walked in, the room was cold and quiet. It was evident he didn't feel the same relief I was feeling.
He seemed awkward. Like he was talking way too long to get over to me. He grabbed a chair and scooted it close to me.
"Listen Sam. I know this last 24 hours has been very challenging. I apologize for not explaining what happened during your surgery sooner, but we all needed time to figure it out, and quite frankly, process what happened. We feel we have enough information to let you in on what is going on." A silence filled the room. It felt like no one was brave enough to break it.
"And?" I said with confusion.
"I think it'll be easier if we just show you."
The doctor along with my parents helped me into a wheelchair and we started to make our way across the hospital to an entirely different section. I couldn't believe all the things running through my head at what we were about to see. It felt like cruel and unusual punishment to leave me in anticipation and not just tell me what I was about to see.
When I went around the corner I couldn't process what I was looking at. I thought they were showing me a large tumor or growth of some kind, but why would a tumor be in a big incubation chamber with tubes connected to IVs and machines coming out of it?
As I got closer, I started to see human fetchers on it. It was mostly just a 6-pound lump of flesh, but I could see a hand sticking out of it. It was small, but what made it creepy was it looked like a fully developed man's hand. Just small. I could see a patch of hair coming out of what I assumed was its head. It had no discernible facial features. Just a few teeth scattered in one section.
As I looked at it with disgust, coming to terms with this thing that was just in my body, I had a realization. I wasn't feeling sick at the thought of something being in my body. Sure, I was grossed out that this particular thing was just in me, but the thought of the bacteria in my body didn't make me want to throw up. I thought about all the blood pumping through my veins and I felt… normal. Not only was the voice and kicking gone. But my OCD was gone too. I didn't have a mental illness. It was just this thing. Trying to find its way out for years.
As I was staring at the creature, the doctor came and put his hand on my shoulder.
"We believe this is your twin brother." I immediately looked up at my parents who looked very disturbed and upset. I let the doctor finish talking. "We believe that you absorbed him in the womb and that he has been living inside you your whole life. This is an extremely rare condition called fetus-in-fetu. It seems he didn't quite have the best opportunity to develop normally. That's why he looks the way he does. Despite his appearance, he has all the organs he needs to survive. Looks like he's missing a lung and his gallbladder. Also a piece of his liver but other than that, it looks like he will live for at least a few years. He won't be able to leave this room due to him needing a feeding tube and a few other things that his body can not do on its own. He needs lots of support just to live. What makes this situation extremely unique is that your twin is still alive despite your body not sustaining him anymore. Even though we have him hooked up to a few IVs and machines, It is unexplainable how he is living while outside of your body."
I was in complete shock. I didn't want to believe it. I asked my mom why she never told me I absorbed my twin in the womb, she said she had no clue. There was never a sign when she was pregnant with me.
He also mentioned that sometimes even in pregnancies women will go their whole pregnancy without even getting a belly. It's called a 'Cryptic pregnancy'. I've always had a bit of a gut but never anything big enough to cause suspicion. I guess in my case I had a fetus-fetu and an experience similar to a cryptic pregnancy. Even though it was in my stomach. At least that was the doctor's best guess. Although, it all sounded like BS to me.
The doctor and my parents kept trying to explain more and more details to me. I don't know why they didn't slow down a little bit for my sake. How could they not tell I wasn't processing any of this?
I noticed something while they were trying to explain things to me. They kept calling it a 'He'.
Now listen. I'm not some kind of asshole that won't respect someone who wants to be called a specific pronoun. I've never been that kind of person. But this is where I draw the line.
Not just that. But this thing had a name. My parents named it and said today was its birthday. While they told me all this information, they didn't look happy about it. It seemed like they were forced to do all this nonsense. And now it was my turn to be convinced. I could tell they were trying to force it.
The doctor told me despite it not having a high probability for a long life that we should still try and give it the love it deserves. Of course, the doctor referred to it as a 'He' but I refused to.
This disgusted me. This thing tried to kill me and ruined my quality of life for so long, and now we are going to treat it like it's some kind of prince? No, absolutely not.
Luckily, it seemed like it would never leave the hospital, but my parents planned on going to visit it daily. Visiting it? Are you kidding me? it has no eyes, no ears, it's probably miserable and has no concept of people even being around it.
I'm refusing to ever see this thing again or acknowledge its existence again.
I could get in trouble for even talking about this. The hospital or anyone involved has signed NDAs to not share any information about this until it officially dies. This is because it's a medical anomaly and the first of its kind. They want to do the proper research on how this all occurred before coming out with a statement. I just have to get this all off my chest. I feel like I'm the crazy one here when I know I'm not. I don't care if I get in trouble.
I am scared that the doctors are trying to force my parents into giving this thing a proper life. I think that's why it took them so long to tell me. I think they scared my parents into keeping it alive and guilting them or even forcing them into being its parent.
I'm all for every life being important and all that stuff, but I have a feeling my parents are terrified of this thing just like I am.
I am convinced they gaslit my parents into believing this thing is my brother. If there wasn't any sign of him while my mom was pregnant with me, could this thing be something else?
This all happened about two years ago. It's still alive and they are still researching it. My parents continue to visit it despite everything. My therapist told me that I'm probably just struggling with jealousy now that I'm not an only child anymore and so much of my parents' attention is on him now, but it's so much bigger than just jealousy.
Since this thing showed up and my OCD is pretty much gone, I've hardly seen my parents. I know I'm not just jealous. There is something more to this. I know it.
Something just feels so off about this whole thing. What is this thing? Where did it come from? And what does it want?

So I tick every box for bpd. i’ve been told by my old therapist and my psychiatrist that they think i have it. my closest friends n partners have told me they can rlly see me having it. i tell the people close to me how to accommodate me based on the symptoms i face and it makes my life hell of a lot better. DBT works for me. my therapist still never takes it seriously and the other day was my own personal final straw of sorts.
So i, (22NB), have been seeing this therapist for over a year. aside from this aspect hes been a great match for me. one issue i have with therapists is when they get their degree 40 years ago and refuse to open up their minds. yes, they can be competent too, but its so much better when the professional admits they can be wrong. the only thing he is bad with is my bpd. right off the bat i told him first session what i suspect i have, with a list of the BPD criteria and times in my life i’ve fit that. any thing else i have hes good with. but that even after i named those symptoms he goes, “yeahh alot of bpd symptoms” in a condescending way. after a while ive made a 14+ page masterdoc of the BPD criteria and my own personal experiences with all of it. i didnt finish entirely but it didnt matter. he just stopped me and condescendingly went “yes you have alot of bpd symptoms but idk how this is helpful to us” I SPENT THE WHOLE 3 ish DAYS PRIOR MAKING THAT. I SKIPPED WORK FOR 2 HRS FOR OUR SESSION AND MY BOSS CHEWED ME OUT FOR IT. AND HE DIDNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK SBOUT IT. you can have autism and bpd. he says this but i gurantee you if i didnt have the autism diagnosis he’d be perfectly fine treating me. but hes not. hes never once said i was valid in how i was feeling and that was the name for those experiences. I got this long ass message the other day, saying essentially, i was displaying behaviors i “criticize my mom for” to her and that because of that “BPD does not apply to you”. what the fuck? first off my mom has her own set of issues but she doesnt have BPD or any of its symptoms. she fits the bill for OCPD. and shes abusive. but not borderline.

 i took her to my session bc i was sick of being emotionally abused my whole life. i wanted someone else to see what she does to me and surprise surprise, she gaslit both of us and played the role of the sweet, hardworking stressed-out mother who just wanted to help her poor little child with autism🥺give me a fucking break. i was run so ragged and we argued in the session. i went through aba and speech “therapy” as a kid and it ruined me. she refuses to acknowledge my hurt around it and wont believe i was abused. i asked him to confirm to her it was abuse but bro said nothing the entire session. but what did he do? use it as a gotcha to say i didnt have bpd. its just LeaRnEd BeHaViorS from my mom (she has no borderline symptoms) do i take my anger out on others bc thats what she does to me ? yes. do i get angry in unhealfhy ways impulsively in ways that my mother has nothing to do with? also yes. the whole call i was extremely upset not even in a bp way, but in an abused child that is being gaslit and betrayed by their therapist who now thinks my mom isnt “that bad” way. he broke up with me over text message with no response and no references. he talked with my psychiatrist so now he doesnt think i have bpd either. im currently out of therapy and have a psychiatrist who doesnt believe me. ive done 7 years of research and icknow what im talking about. im so sick of people denying the fact im hurting and im so sick of not being treated. i also never know if i open up enough in therapy. its subconscious at this point but i thought i was doing good for a while. idk. i need therapy so bad but i have so much trauma regarding it. ive never once had a good therapist and im really losing hope here. sometimes i wonder my parents refusing to get me treatment for 10+ years till i was 20 was deserved. its not like i am therapy-ing right anyway. the one place everybody has a right to have as their safe place never has and never will be safe for me. i feel like i’m losing my mind. 

Edit Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I am in New Zealand, and our process appears to be a referral to a speech and language therapist and pediatrician. Hopefully, through this, I will be able to support my son to access the right services/ support. Thanks again 😊.
I am sorry if this is not quite the right place to post this, but I am after some support.
My son is almost 2 and a half and is displaying signs of being on the spectrum. He is extremely fussy. If you offer him a food that he does not like (which is most things), he will have a complete meltdown. He flaps his hands, has started hitting himself when he is mad, is very repetitive, doesn't sleep well, and his speech is limited. He also prefers to play by himself.
My son's childcare teacher also thinks that he might be on the spectrum, and so I have booked an appointment with our doctor. However, my partner won't even acknowledge it and becomes quite upset when I bring it up. How do I best support my son? How can I support my partner with the process, too? I feel kind of lost.
Thank you.

hello. just looking somwhere na pwede mag labas ng sama ng loob. then i found this community. (ehem)
so, im 35, male. You'll see me always smiling, laughing, cracking some silly/weird/no literally funny jokes. a go-with-the-flow person. undergrad of IT and education. have a diploma in comprehensive autocad and revit architecture. working as a senior furniture designer (the hell i know how i became a designer in a furniture firm. all i know is nag try lang ako mag apply and pasok agad dahil nag quit that day 2 designer nila).
i feel like i am a failure. i feel like everyone who seeks help, hindi ko maibigay yung needs nila. that includes my parents, siblings, relatives, and friends. maybe im a person pleaser. i always give my all without asking anything in return. yet, why do i feel like "KULANG" yung nabibigay ko.hindi ko alam kung trauma ba yun my father gave me. hated my father since i was 6years old. we're good now and nagkausap na kami when i was 27years old. lagi ko naririnig noon yung word na "wala kang patutunguhan", "hanggang jan ka na lang", "b*bo ka kasi kaya wala kang mararating" etc. heard it dati sa father ko. so pag may kausap akong ibang tao at may nasabi silang hindi maganda, yan na din ang intindi ko sa kanila, na sinasabi din nila yan sakin. narinig ko pa noon na sinasabi nila na "magsumikap ka para may marating ka" yet the support i was looking for. gone. vanished. dahil after makita grades ko noon, ( i did my best) na mababa ang grades, ang sinasabi nila, "wag ka na mag aral kung ganyan lang din lagi ipapakita mo samin". is this really a trauma?
even sa work, im not just a designer, im all around. designeIT/maintenance/service crew/runnesample makeeven feeding the cats, (yes i feed them daily. also, i love cats). pero ang naririnig ko lagi is, yan lang ba kaya mo? like, seriously? yun ba tingin nyo? nadadamay ba work ko dahil sa feeling ko failure ako? going to work, worn out, leaving work, still worn out. i drink the night away na lang para makatulog. sa time na umiinom ako, dun lang ako nakakahanap ng peace. was once a suicidal kid. pero nung nakilala ko yung booze, yun na lang pinili ko. killing myself slowly.
i feel, or i do claim that im a failure. i laugh with others but deep inside, im still lonely. im happy, yet sad. thinkin too much makes my heart hurts. is it appreciation? hinahanap o ba sya? acknowledgement? i know its something na hindi dapat hinihingi. pero why do i feel like this? im burning out. im burned out. help.

Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.