Bme pain olympics the final round

I (34F) am getting married next year to a wonderful man. I'm an American living abroad, and we are getting married in his home country where we both reside. Our guests are very dispersed globally, so we've given over a year's notice to our guest list, some of whom are coming from as far as Thailand or the West Coast of the US to celebrate with us. My own family lives about 6,000 miles away, and I need to make decisions fairly soon about invitations to give them enough time to arrange and budget for travel.
I have been estranged from my parents for a very long time, after a childhood where I was violently, emotionally, and psychologically abused by my mother, and my father was largely absent due to his work schedule (he was away from home in excess of 40 weeks per year for the majority of my childhood). My mother was never particularly kind to me, but the worst of the abuse was when my father was away and so he never saw or likely knew the full extent of it at the time. I think it's important to note that the abuse I'm talking about is not "borderline" or covered by "we tried our best" - it likely rose to the level of criminal abuse and should have been reported to CPS. The physical abuse stopped only when I threatened to hit her back as a teenager, but of course she remained narcissistic and emotionally cruel for years.
We had a tumultuous relationship through my early adulthood until I finally cut contact with her about 10 years ago. I tried to explain to my father that our conflict goes beyond normal mothedaughter friction and over several conversations was finally explicit with him about how abusive and violent she was. He has consistently pleaded with me to reconcile, forgive, move on, and told me how much he believes she loves me. He has apologised and passed along her apologies in fairly vague terms - "I'm sorry for how hurt you are" "I'm sorry I was not there for you and your mother when you needed me", etc., but never a real acknowledgment of how bad it was and that it was wrong, full stop. He has generally adopted a view that he believes I am holding on to anger in an unhealthy way.
I have tried several times over the intervening decade to reconcile with my dad, setting a condition of our contact that he not ask me to have a relationship with my mom. Without fail, every time we have been in touch, he eventually brings it up. Finally, almost two years ago I broke contact for the last time and said that I could not have a relationship with him until he gets professional help to understand why it hurts me when he consistently does this. He has not - and as far as I am aware, he has never even discussed the abuse with my mother (I have asked).
As a consequence of this, I lost touch with all of my other family as well - my father's siblings, my aunts and uncles, and their kids - many of whom I was very close with as a child. I didn't know how to explain the rupture with my parents and didn't want to "air dirty laundry" by explaining, especially as I hoped for a very long time my parents would seek professional help and try to repair our relationship. I was ashamed, thought that I was a bad person, and felt incredible guilt for being a poor member of the family. I missed weddings, holidays, and most shamefully ignored attempts from some of them to reach out to me because I dreaded explaining why I was not in touch with my parents.
After a lot of therapy, I've slowly gotten back in touch with some of my family and it is incredible how much I missed them. I have explained the gruesome details behind the estrangement only to one aunt and uncle, but have expressed remorse to the others for not being in touch. I have a lot more family members I'd like to get back in touch with and would love to see at the wedding.
I want to send all my cousins and aunts and uncles invitations and a note that says more or less "sorry for dropping off the face of the earth for a decade, I had some issues with my parents I didn't know how to handle, but I miss you and would love to see you if you'd like to come celebrate."
The problem is this feels...selfish of me. I haven't spoken to many of them in so long, and now I will invite all of them but not my parents - my dad will surely find out, and I know how much this will devastate him to miss his only daughter's wedding. But I cannot stand the thought of reaching out to him again only to be implored to reconcile with my mother, or hear more admonishments from him about the importance of forgiveness for family. The thought of not having him there is incredibly painful for me - missing him walk me down the aisle, or a father daughter dance...many of the things I've wanted since I was young and important parts of a wedding. The whole family will now also know to some extent that something has happened with my parents, and I am sure that it will come out (or I will tell people) exactly what has happened. I feel like I will be rubbing it in my parents' faces that they were not invited if the rest of my entire family is.
Am I the asshole for inviting my whole family who will see my parents are not in attendance? Am I the asshole for being unwilling to try again with my father? Or should I just invite none of them and let sleeping dogs lie?

I was suggested this subreddit by a friend so I’m not entirely sure if it fits my problem, but I’m willing to try.
Six months ago I started therapy because I realized I fail to connect my mind and personality with the person I see in the mirror. For years I’ve been indulging in different forms of escapism to completely obliterate any emotional pain, which resulted in losing contact with myself. I told my therapist I didn’t know who I was anymore. Since our first session then she’s made a ton of effort to help me regain self-consciousness, and I finally started to associate my appearance with “me”, but recently I’ve discovered that the only emotion my whole existence evokes in me is disgust. I can only see myself as some sort of gross decaying animal body, and I get confused and anxious when I remember this is what my loved ones see and are forced to interact with. Therefore, I am disgusted with every relationship I have formed previously and wish to cut myself out of all of them.
My therapist suggests that all the “disgust” I feel might actually be internalized shame, and though her claim does sound legitimate, there is little evidence to back it up and hypothesize about the reason said shame emerged. The memories I have of my childhood are extremely limited, and the hazy parts I can recall I can explicitly view as a spectator, with no thoughts or emotions present. I do know that my mother was a cold woman when I was a kid from the words of my relatives but she says she’s changed her attitude pretty fast, caring for me and praising me for my achievements. I don’t know whether I can believe what she says since I have no concrete memory of either situation. I briefly remember crying hysterically one day in my room so she could clearly hear me and come comfort me; if I’m not mistaken, it took her an hour or so. I think she scolded me often for being unclean and disobeying and unsympathetic, having not cared when I upset my family members, but I’m not sure if I can trust this memory. She says when I was bullied at school, was injured or had my first period, I never told her (and I don’t even remember being bullied). It had also never occurred to me to talk to her about my personal feelings and struggles. It’s not that I wanted her to know and stopped myself from telling, but as if I never thought that was an option at all. I love my mother and I believe she was always trying her best parenting, and the fact that I doubt her and feel disconnected from her as if she was a stranger pains me. Could it be that her actions have caused my shame?

The Boston Bruins welcome the Florida Panthers for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs East second round at TD Garden in Boston on Friday. The game will air on CBC, TVAS, SN, TNT, truTV and MAX at 7 p.m. ET.
The Panthers, who are leading the 3-2, aim to extend their winning streak on the road by knocking out the Bruins. The Panthers have a history of success in Boston, with five consecutive playoff victories since last season. They've made themselves comfortable in their last two games at TD Garden.
The Bruins, though, are seeking to turn their fortunes around with back-to-back wins to force a Game 7 on Sunday, despite their 2-4 home record in the ongoing playoffs.
The Panthers, meanwhile, are eying a spot in the Eastern Conference Final for the second straight season.
Read more: Florida Panthers vs Boston Bruins: Game Preview, Predictions, and Odds for 2024 NHL Playoffs Round 2 Game 6 May 17, 2024

I'm attempting to leave the K-12 education field after 13 years and break in to Instructional Design or Staff Development/Training. I've had a few final round interviews just to be ghosted.
I've had way more misses than hits, any advice on my resume would be a tremendous help.
Thank you!

My dog is a 10 year old, male American Akita who weighs 111 lbs. So far…his history has only recently shown skin dryness that seems to clear up on and off with daily allergy pills (as needed). On top of that, he has random soft stools that I assume are just because of age; I keep a strict leash on his diet because his stomach has been so sensitive recently.
Well, I’m here because I was deciding to switch his vet due to an awful experience that started over a year and a half ago. I walked in and said can you evaluate him for allergies? They told me it’s not allergies and put him on an awful antibiotic and something else for about two weeks. Then it came back. And wild…they told me it was allergies! Then another round of awful pills and a prescription that was written wrong, so he was back on the round of antibiotics for a third time when I asked them to check his thyroid. He was showing signs that he may be having an issue, and with the skin and his breed I assumed this was it. The blood work showed his thyroid was a little high, but they said it’s because he was sick. Then three months later, they wanted to test him for thyroid…I declined because he had already been through enough and was doing just fine and could wait another month or so until his annual. His annual rolls around, and I bring up his stomach looking even more distended. The vet then tried to gaslight me saying nobody told me it may be his thyroid (even though his chart has her notes), and I realized later that she was covering up everything she had missed. So of course, I’m having major trust issues with her professional opinion.
We skipped the vaccines, and we did X-rays. I have the three they sent me, but for some reason they’re cut off a little. The vet pointed to a circular mass you can see on nearly every X-ray saying it is a tumor on his spleen. She said surgery at his age wouldn’t make sense, and that at this point I need to just make him comfortable. She told me that it could bleed and become serious…but other than that - she offered no advice or any help. Aside from what you can see in the X-rays, he also has really bad arthritis in his right hip, and I mentioned him walking sideways a little, but again…they didn’t offer X-rays until NOW. I got him a Librela shot already for the pain; however, since the shot he has been chewing on his leg a little more than usual, and I assume it’s the pain now that I know. Also, in the x-rays you will see that his intestines are pushed all the way to the (she said “right”) side.
I guess my question is, for those who are educated, does that truly look like a mass on his spleen? I need to get a second opinion before spending hundreds on a different vet and new images (which are hard to get on a 120 lb dog who doesn’t like being man handled). I also need to know because I’m not left with the decision to either let him go peacefully or wait until the tumor bleeds and it becomes an emergency.
I will also add that Yogi still loves his walks; he’s always hungry; he is drinking A TON of water to the point where sometimes I have to go over and physically move the water away from him. He’s always drank a lot of water but not like this. He’s been up and moving a lot more at night. Sometimes he seems very confused, mostly around what time it is when he’s asking for dinner.
Please be kind in your response. I’ve had Yogi for his whole life, and a huge chunk of that he was my service dog. He’s my soul dog, and I just need to make sure I’m getting all the facts from these images that I can. This is my first dog, and definitely my ONLY experience with anything like this…I just need to know the X-rays are accurate to what I have been told.
Yogi’s X-Rays

i'm a rising junior (turned 15 just 5 months ago lol) in hs and i applied to a bunch of summer programs/internships while giving my final exams. i m an international student, so things are pretty different w/ me. anyways for some bg, i have some strong research exp., good grades, great ECs,..
anyways here you go-

1. YYGS- REJECTED (Found out I wasn't frigging eligible, i.e. 16!)
2. Camp Rising Sun Leadership Program (LAJF)- ACCEPTED!!!!! (1 Month in UPSTATE NY)(FULL SCHOLARSHIP, INCLUDING TRAVEL AND INSURANCE)
3. Civics Unplugged Fellowship->! ACCEPTED! for Spring '24 cohort!<
4. HOPP memorial sloan kettering cancer center- REJECTED (because they catered mostly to US applicants ig)
5. Summer Eng. Seminar USC- REJECTED (idk why lol, maybe because they preferred newbies, and i alr had so much exposure)
6. The Residency (a dope startup from SF)- ACCEPTED!!! (one of the ~20 ppl selected, couldn't be a part of it cause of time restraints)
7. Sigma Xi Student Research Showcase (more of science fair lol)- ACCEPTED (cell bio and biochem)
8. RSI equivalent Summer Internship in Europe- Waitlisted -> REJECTED (in the interview round, cant reveal program name 'coz i'll be applying next year again lol)
9. Summer Entrepreneurship Program (BITS Pilani)- ACCEPTED! (It was more like a backup for me but i'm attending it anyways lol)
10. Non-Trivial Fellowship- REJECTED (will apply again)
11. Summer Internship Program 2024 (SIP) at UCSC- ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!! (BIO-ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING)(FULL SCHOLARSHIP)
12. UN General Assembly's 79th Science Summit in NEW YORK- ACCEPTED w/ some of my friends from CIVICS UNPLUGGED!!!!!!!!
13. The Global Health Leaders Conference (JHU)- Not Declared
14. WSS '24- Not Declared
15. SSP '24- Couldn't Apply :(
16. 4 Star Leaders- My teacher forgot to submit the recommendation for me ://

Overall stats: Programs applied to- 12
Accepted to- 7 (acceptance rate- 58.4)
Rejected from- 5 (rejection rate- 41.6)

Yesterday's ultrasound showed that I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. While my hcg levels are doubling perfectly, they saw a 8.2 mm gestational sac, but nothing in it. No baby. I was given a 75% chance of miscarrying.
I have to wait 7 full days until my next ultrasound to look for any signs of life. 7 full days of not knowing if I have a baby or not, yet being/feeling pregnant. 7 full days of not knowing when, and if, I’ll start to randomly feel painful cramps, and bleed out what could’ve been my 2nd born. 7 full days of holding on to any sight of hope, to just potentially see that empty ultrasound again, and be given a pill to engage the miscarriage on the final day. 7 full days.
This is torture. This is pain.
All I do is cry, and when I stop, I feel dead inside. I slept 2-3 hours and have no appetite. How do I keep up with myself for 7 days? And after that...? Women are unbelievable. And so strong. How can you go through this...

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, asking about Memantine. If you want, here is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor solo businessman, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or suggestion on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

I had an open myomectomy on April 26th (3 weeks ago). I was told by my doctor that an open procedure was better because she couldn't feel what she was doing using the laparoscopic method. Two days after the procedure I started bleeding vaginally and it finally just stopped on the 12th. The reason was never explained to me by my doctor after I told her so I don't know if it was from the procedure or a period and my birth control did nothing to stop it so I'm at a loss there. Either way, I went to the doctor on the 15th of May and was told that I was healing nicely by the nurse who checked me out. I was originally there to see my doctor, but I guess she sent the nurse to check my sutures instead because I got the go ahead from her.
Well, today I just noticed a tiny amount of pink blood when I went to the bathroom.You have to wipe to find it, but it's there. It's never pink, so that certainly caught my eye.
I have to be honest, I did feel aroused yesterday when I woke up. First time I've felt that sensation at all since the surgery so I was certainly surprised. I've been in too much pain since the procedure for my body to do anything besides hurt, especially since I had complications with my surgery that landed me back in the ER immediately after coming home for an extra week (My doctor sent me home without having a bowel movement first and I wasn't given anything at the hospital for gass and I supposidly developed something called an Ileus which progressed to kidney issues, severe vomiting and dehydration, and a complete loss of appetite. I was put on a no food order for 3 days which was torture.)
I'm not sexually active at all so I haven't engaged in any type of penetrate intercourse and wouldn't as I know that isn't advised from trying to find out more info online, so I know that isn't the issue since I didn't do that, but I don't know about how external stimulation could effect things (non penetrative masturbation or just generally being aroused). My doctor didn't tell me anything about, well, any of that at all in regards to what isn't and is fine to do. She said I can't lift anything over 10 pounds and to call her if the sutures bleed, but that's the only cautionary info I've been given. At any point. The rest I've found on this Reddit. But upon looking online I thought that might be the issue since I've heard people here before say that just having blood rush down there can cause spotting because it changes the shape of your muscles? Sorry if that's not the correct way to word that. That's just my general understanding of what I read.
I'm not in any kind of pain or anything, but I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. Should I be concerned?
Also, sorry if this confusing to read. It's 6 am here and my brain is struggling to work fully. I can't go to sleep but I'm not all the way awake, either.

Hey folks!
I was trying to get Olympics tickets and having a hard time, but finally figured out how to get access to the resale platform (they seem to have hidden it as some sports haven't sold out on the primary website). Thought I should spread the word. YMMV as to what is considered reasonable, but I've seen CAT D (cheapest) and C (second cheapest) tickets going.
If you live in Europe or even Asia, I suspect this'll be your cheapest Olympics to attend till 2036 at the earliest.
Official resale website with filter for Table Tennis and Para Table Tennis
Seems like most sports are popping up on the resale, if your interests extend beyond table tennis.

I just wanted to say right off the bat that this post is NOT intended to dissuade anyone from getting a reduction. Having this surgery done can be life changing and I’ve seen firsthand how happy it’s made the people who’ve had one.
But I still feel the need to share my experience, especially those who are pre-op. This has ended up being a novel, but I wish I’d known about a story like this before my surgery. Please, don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
At 16 I started to spill out of my DD bras. Each year after that, it kept getting harder and harder to find bras, harder to feel confident wearing anything but baggy t shirts, harder to exercise even with a full support sports bra, harder to just live a goddamn normal life. At 20 I’d had enough and booked a consultation with a surgeon, not really caring who it was that would do it as long as I could get this extra weight off as soon as possible. And it was just after my 21st birthday that I went under the knife.
I was so happy to finally be able to shop at regular stores for bralettes and not have to worry about them not making my size, I couldn’t wait to finally feel confident wearing something that doesn’t hide my chest, and to finally have my back and neck pain subside. So happy that I wasn’t too worried about the results I’d get. I had expressed clearly and adamantly that I wanted as much off as possible, and why shouldn’t I trust a literal doctor to do his job? I was so blinded that no alarm bells went off in my head when he said: “Don’t worry, you’ll be proportionate.”
After the initial fog of anesthesia and pain wore off, it was at around 2 weeks post op that I started to worry. I was assured it was swelling, that it was so early and I couldn’t possibly tell what my results would look like. That made me feel better, until my follow up appointment where the surgeon told me only 400g was removed from each breast. I tried to keep up hope that I’d eventually shrink down, but after weeks and then months with no sign of them getting smaller I started to realize that I’d been fucked over.
I’m now 9 months post op. My starting size was around a 32J, and now, I’m at a 32G, at the very smallest. I have a follow up appointment scheduled with my surgeon to ask for a revision.
I’m beyond livid. At the surgeon, but also at myself for being so naive. This is what can happen when women don’t know they need to advocate for themselves and make sure their voice is heard.
To everyone pre op, fight tooth and nail.
Raise hell. Get EVERYTHING in writing. Do your research. Get a second opinion. Explain what you want, and then explain it again. Make sure there are measures in place so that they can’t sneak around and do whatever they think will look best, because they will. Even if you think you’ve done enough to make sure you’ll be listened to, do more. I thought I did enough, but I didn’t.
Don’t let what happened to me happen to you.

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, advice about Memantine. If you want, there is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor self employed, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or advice on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, advice about Memantine. If you want, there is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor self employed, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or advice on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

Hey folks!
I was trying to get Olympics tickets and having a hard time, but finally figured out how to get access to the resale platform (they seem to have hidden it as some sports haven't sold out on the primary website). Thought I should spread the word. YMMV as to what is considered reasonable, but I've seen CAT D (cheapest) and C (second cheapest) tickets going.
If you live in Europe or even Asia, I suspect this'll be your cheapest Olympics to attend till 2036 at the earliest.
Official resale website with filter for Archery and Para Archery
Seems like most sports are popping up on the resale, if your interests extend beyond archery.

So, ya girl's been on HRT for almost 7 months, and the estrogen is a wonderful thing that does wonderful things, with of course, a big noticeable side effect: I've got boobs now, and it's getting to be time that I finally get a bra for them.
The problem is that I still don't really look like a woman. And not just "I don't quite pass yet," I look like a man in a big hairy man body. The only thing that really breaks the stereotype on me is the fact that it is painfully obvious I have breasts.
So if anyone has some to offer, I could really use some advice on not looking like a total creep? I'm going with my mom, we love each other very much, so that helps a little but I still feel like I'm going to be, I don't know, intruding or something.

This is gonna be long so bear with me pls. I (f21) used to hook up with this guy (m22), I started liking him a lot, he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I didn’t take it personally plus I was transferring to another school abroad at the end of the year and then I’d probably never see him again.
About 3 months after i moved (so march 2023) he spontaneously booked a flight and came to visit me during spring break, he stayed with me and we were together basically the whole time, we hooked up but it was kind of an fwb situation? but throughout he kept dropping hints which I decided to ignore since I knew he wasn’t interested in being more than friends.
I do want to mention that I come from a rather well to do family and i might be a little spoilt in the sense that my family pays my tuition so I don’t have student loans and I get my rent money and some pocket money from home because my family doesn’t want me to work yet so I can focus on school more, but since I moved I have been working 2 jobs (without my family knowing) to save money because I like to live comfortably, go shopping, travel, and I’m trying to save up for my masters so I’m pretty comfortable financially, which he saw on his visit since I paid for p much everything. (Now that I think about it, I took a leave from work and didn’t have school that week so he didn’t actually see how hard I work, to him i was just chilling all day and living rich).
When he went back after his visit he kept talking ab how he has such a good time with me and how he really likes me and we started talking a lot more and I was kinda into him again. After like a month he started telling me that he wants to stop seeing other people and he dsnt want me to see other people either, still no mention of a relationship but he wanted to be exclusive. I had been on a couple dates since I moved but I wasn’t really interested in anyone so I agreed. Within a month of that (so june 2023) he started saying he loves me and for the longest time I hesitated to say it back but eventually i did. He kept saying he wants to visit me again etc but he cnt afford it. I agreed to pay bec i wanted to see him too but I thought that since I didn’t have school all month we could go on a little vacation instead of just him coming over, since I could afford it. We planned an trip for July and decided everything but before I paid for anything I asked him if he sees this ever turning into a relationship and he told me no at first but after i said if it’s not going anywhere (I was going to pay for his flights, all the stay and we would split the money we spend there) I don’t want to invest financially in it like time is one thing but i work really hard for the money, he said he just doesn’t feel like he’s ready for a relationship now but gave me hope saying that might change as we spend time together. I was naive enough to fall for that and we went on our little vacation.
Towards the end of the vacation like 2 days before we were supposed to go back, we were at a club and I was sitting down with my drink while he was on the floor and I saw him make a snapchat call and he was on it for a while and in the middle of it his screen lit up and a girl’s (let’s call her K) bitmoji was on it, so i went up to him to ask who he was talking to, he straight up lied and told me it was one of his guy friends and i just went and sat back down. After he finished the call he came and sat next to me and held his phone in a way that he obviously wanted me to look at the screen bec he had called his guy friend now the bitmoji was on the screen, which was such a failure because his guy friend didn’t even answer the phone he just showed me the “ringing” screen. I didn’t say anything tho because we both were pretty drunk and I didn’t want to start a fight in that condition. The next was our last night there and it went well but on the way back to our hotel at the end of the night i forgot my phone in the uber and used his phone to call the uber driver to ask if there was any way i could get it back. He was almost passed put by the time the uber driver came back around to bring my phone so i asked him if i could take his phone outside while i go to bring my phone just in case I need to contact the driver, he agreed and unlocked his phone and gave it to me. When i was going, K called him and i just rejected the call but then she sent him like a million texts and my suspicion got the best of me and I opened the chat. I barely had to scroll up before I saw several explicit msgs and photos (all very recent) and it made me sick to my stomach. I got my phone back and went back to the room to find him passed out I threw his phone at him and he woke up and we talked about it basically all night, I was crying like the whole time and in the end he promised me he wouldn’t do it again and he only wants to be with me and all this other emo (and in hindsight, toxic) crap that I fell for at the time and the next day we flew back.
Things were okay for like 2 months after that. On Halloween we were both on facetime, getting ready to go to halloween parties (in our respective countries lol) and I was telling him how to do his makeup (he really likes my style and often asks me for advice on clothes, makeup, hair etc) we talked for a while it was all great and after we got ready we ended the call and I went to the party (it was like 10min from my place) and as soon as I got there I tried to send him a snap but couldn’t find him on my snapchat friend list, so i tried to text him on Instagram only to find he had blocked me, on everything.
I DID NOT handle that well. After he had been nc for a week, he called me. Of course, I couldn’t resist and answered. He asked for help with a school project (I would often help him with things like that, even tho he was in a much complex course i would learn his stuff and then help him with homework and stuff). Even tho I was not in good condition physically bec of the withdrawals and even tho he hadn’t even addressed the fact that he had blocked me on everything out of nowhere I decided to help him again because I was just so desperate to talk to him and I basically made the whole thing for him and he got a good grade, he thanked me and stuff and when i asked him why he blocked me he just said “idk i was just upset idk why” he just always refused to talk about it. But i mean social media is so accessible, i did see that he had been commenting on K’s old Instagram posts (he commented on ALL her posts actually) throughout the week, so i’m sure it had something to do with her, but I didn’t ask because he seemed irritable whenever i would bring it up.
We started talking like before again, he graduated (i’m still in school) and we planned for another vacation for new years eve. Big surprise, even tho he was the one who proposed the trip, now he was unemployed so he couldn’t afford it, again. And another big surprise, I agreed to pay for it again. It was all good except I brought about $1000 in cash to spend on the trip and every time I took money out of it he would comment about how it was such a “fat stack” which sussed me out a little but whatever. About halfway through the trip I got really drunk and passed out and when I woke up the next morning all my cash was gone and I asked him if he kept it with him and he refused and got mad at me for losing such a big amount of money (as if I wasn’t stressed enough) and how he was going to have to pay now (hotels and flights were already paid for, he’d be paying for drinks and food basically). I still don’t think he would steal from me bec if he wanted money he could just ask and I would have just given him and not even asked for it back but there’s nowhere it could’ve gone because I never took the whole cash out of the hotel room and it was just us two there. I didn’t want to accuse him of anything so i let that go and never mentioned it. But that was the first time I got sus ab him with the money.
Fast forward to two months ago, we planned another trip (to my home country this time) which was supposed to be two weeks long but while we were there we were having so much fun that we kept extending it and it ended up being a month long. I saved up hella for this trip because I knew exactly what hotels I wanted to stay at, what places i wanted to go etc and i knew it was gonna be kinda expensive but even then because we stayed much longer it also costed way more than expected. At this point he didn’t even have to tell me he couldn’t afford it, it was just understood that i would be paying since he was still unemployed. But this time he had this new credit card and wanted to increase his credit score so he asked if i could use his cards to book everything and pay HIM back instead, i was like sure whatever. So i booked both our flights on my card and hotels and stuff on his. We had the best time on this trip, felt closer to him than ever so I didn’t mind paying. We decided that I would give him a certain amount in cash (to avoid international transfer fee) and transfer the rest (because countries have a limit on how much cash u can bring without having to report to customs). Once again towards the end of the trip I saw he was still talking to that girl, and it wasn’t just sexual, he called her the same nicknames he called me, he sent her the same reels and stuff on Instagram that he sent me it was like reading his chats with me. I didn’t say anything then, but a couple hours later I asked him if we should see other people too, like keep seeing each other but also see other people (i even said “we both” so he dsnt feel the need to get defensive) and he said no he dsnt want to and he dsnt even want me to. Him lying again when i gave him a chance to end his lie really broke my heart completely (bec at this point he was just lying for the sake of it) but it was just 3 days before we were gonna leave so i decided not to ruin the rest of the trip and end things with him after I paid him back for the credit card (I’d already given him more than half the amount in cash as soon as we met). When we were booking flights to go back he insisted that be take pne with a layover in a third completely put of the way country because it was cheaper and i was like sure, but then he also said because it’s two really long flights he wants to stay in this third country for a couple days bec he wouldn’t be too exhausted and wanted me to pay for the airbnb, I already wasn’t a fan of paying for a whole solo trip for him where I wasn’t going (it was one of my bucket list countries too) so i tried to tell him to just suck it up and take a couple hour layover instead but he wouldn’t listen. AND to make it worse, i saw his phone again (I didn’t even checking his phone or anything even once on this trip, he had the conversation open while he was sitting next to me and i could see) and he was talking to this girl who was around that country and asked her if she would travel there for a couple days to meet him and she agreed at first but once he sent her an airbnb and asked what she thought about it, she left him on seen and never responded even after he offered to pay (im guessing bec initially she just thought he meant they would hang out and when he brought up staying together even she got creeped out). THIS MAN WANTED ME TO PAY FOR HIS INTERNATIONAL TRIP TO MEET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HE TOLD HE WAS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.
That was my last straw i got so mad and we had a big conversation , highlights: (Note: this is all in a very calm tone, i was holding back tears but no one was being aggressive)
Him: she’s just a friend and I haven’t even ever slept with her or anything PLUS that’s not even happening i’m not going to see her Me: because SHE left you on seen, u were clearly trying in fact ur the one who asked her to begin with Him: sighs & shrugs
Me: what about the girl in (hometown)? Him:
Me: why did u block me after halloween Him: i cnt tell u that Me: is it because u were also lying to K, telling her u were not seeing other people n she found out u were talking to me and to keep her from leaving u blocked me till she calmed down? Him: sighs, leans back and looks away
Me: why is one girl not enough Him: bec I’m not 40 Me: so why do u lie instead of just being honest and saying ur also seeing other people Him: bec i dnt wanna hurt feelings Me: i never asked u for anything u were the one who insisted on being exclusive, u were the one who said u loved me first while u knew the whole time u were lying, u really had no reason to lie? Him: u wouldn’t treat me the same if u knew i was seeing other people Me: i was treating u the exact same before u said all that? When u came to visit me i still paid for everything, u really didn’t have reason to lie Him: sighs
Me: what do u expect me to do now? Him: idk i guess u can see other people too(?)
Me: i didn’t mind paying for u if u were seeing other people n honest about it but dnt want to pay for someone who goes out of their way to lie to me for no reason (i p much never get pissed ab anything as long as it’s honest so there’s really no reason to lie which is why i cnt stand when people lie to me) Him: i understand
Me: did u at least use protection with other people (he told me he was clean and wasn’t seeing other people so i agreed to not using protection since i was on birth control anyway) Him: yes u can get tested if u want (i did and turns out he was lying i came home with a nasty std, I haven’t slept with anyone else in about a year)
After the long conversation we went to sleep and he noticed i was still crying so he hugged me and said “i dnt want u to cry talk to me” so i started saying how idk how to feel or what to do it’s just too much to process that he would do this bec i trusted him so much even when I didn’t want to but he rolled his eyes in the middle of my sentence which ticked me off so i turned away and was like “no dont turn away” to which I said “when im not talking u have an issue, when im talking u have an issue, what do u want?” This was the first time i dropped my calm in from of him and picked up an actually annoyed tone, which seemed to set something off in his head and he just blew up at me like YELLING about how im the one making a big deal out of everything and im the one who keeps turning away and refusing to talk to him etc and then he got up from the bed and punched the wall REALLY hard so i grabbed both his hands and sat him down on the bed and told him to shut up and calm down bec he was gonna get hurt if he keeps punching shit. He already hurt his hand p bad and he just held his hand to his chest and i could tell he was trying to hold in screams bec he was so much in pain. I called room service to bring ice and went downstairs to get him a painkiller. He finally calmed down and fell asleep. The next day he didn’t talk to me for 8 hours, didn’t go out or anything, we just sat there in the hotel room in silence, whenever i tried to bring up anything he just shrugged and continued to not say a word, Finally we both got hungry and went to get dinner after which we got drinks, once we got a little buzzed he started talking to me again and told me he got triggered bec i yelled at him (I didn’t yell but i did get annoyed so i got what he meant) and i apologised.
We were fine for the rest of the day and the next day and the night after that we finally flew back home.
He asked me to transfer him the money for his credit card and i asked him how much it was. The number he gave me was ridiculously higher than the number i had on my spreadsheet (since i made the bookings i even had the receipts) so i showed him saying these were the numbers that I had and he said “no but this is what my card got charged” and he sent me his own spreadsheet that me made (v poorly made no dates or anything, there were even some amounts without descriptions) so i said ok this isn’t helpful, just send me the credit card statement and i’ll see what went wrong in my calculations and he has been making dumb excuses for the last 2 weeks every time i ask him to send the statement like “there’s other payments too on the statement so u might get confused” (as if idk how to read??) or “oh i’ll send it when i open the credit card website next” but he keeps asking me to send him the money like constantly. Another thing that’s weird to me is that he completely disregarded the part where I told him I would only be paying for my half of the trip bec of him lying to me, which I already gave him more than half in cash in the beginning of the trip. Thirdly, not only does he want me to pay full he is also disregarding the money i gave him in cash bec he “spent it on the trip so it didn’t go towards the credit card payment” which I never agreed to give him spending money, that’s supposed to be on him, I brought my own spending money separately so it wasn’t even like he had to pay for both of us.
So basically, he wants me to pay for the whole credit card bill (which he won’t send me the statement for) on top of what i gave him in cash which was more than half of the number HE is giving me (and close to 80% of the number I have) ALL AFTER he lied to me, tried to make me pay for him going to meet another girl in a different country, yelled at me, punched a wall and made ME apologise.
The amount he’s asking for is big and I know he’s unemployed and if that’s the actual number, he definitely can’t pay it. While i can afford it (just barely after everything I already paid for including previous trips, flights for this trip and the money i gave him in cash) i did already tell him I would only be paying for my half (which i already did) and he agreed at the time, and i’m still extremely hurt and angry about all the lies and the drama. If he sent me the credit card statement I would still help him a little bit but he even refuses to do that. He hasn’t talked about anything else except asking me to send him the money for the past few days. I was going to cut him off after I paid him but he’s being kind of not cool about it and it’s not like i just have the money lying around. So would I be the asshole if I just ghosted him with his credit card debt that i know he can’t pay?
Also want to add: i keep mentioning his unemployment bec until February i was helping him improve his resume, prepare for interviews etc (I’m studying HR and recruitment) but after this trip he told me he is not even looking for a job bec if he got a job he “wouldn’t be able to travel as much” which pissed me off more bec im working my ass off to afford all this.

In 2010, I was facing felony charges for distribution of drugs. I was a drug addict. Hook line and sinker. But never admitted that to myself. My drug of choice? Anything I could get my hands on. Cocaine, ecstasy, weed, Xanax, Oxycontin, ciggys, alcohol, ativan, seroquil, spice, mushrooms.. You name it.
Desperately wanting to avoid prison time, I did whatever I could to turn my life around. The potential pain in carrying on was too great to tolerate. This was my rock bottom.
I enrolled in college, started working out every day, got rid of any "friends" that wanted to continue that lifestyle.
And quitting my daily drug use?
It wasn't a factor. I was too scared. I was willing to do anything to escape my prison sentence so I dropped them all without looking back. I was lucky. Lucky I had hit rock bottom. Lucky that everything collapsed around me. I needed a push and this was it.
Apparently the judge saw that I was making real change and I was able to avoid prison. I was slapped with a couple of felonies, fines, and drug and rehab classes.
Having felonies on my record was hard. I couldn't get a decent job. Even Walmart was excited to hire me, but then rejected me because of my record. I knew that I had turned a new leaf. I just needed someone to see that I was changed now.
Luckily, I found a family that needed help with their special needs kid.
I worked for them for long enough to get my felonies reduced and expunged off my record.
When hard drugs turn into soft drugs.
I thought I was "drug free" because I had stopped all illegal drugs. But soon I found myself consuming copious amounts of caffeine in order to lose weight and get "Jacked". You see, I found a passion for natural bodybuilding and Jiu-Jitsu around 2011.
I consumed endless content on how to lose body fat so I could finally get a six pack. A lot of YouTubers at the time were promoting pre-workouts like Jack3d. Which also had another stimulant called 1,3 dimethylamylamine - or DMAA. Which was banned after it had become known to be problematic.
So there I was, taking Jack3d, working out, and trying to figure out how to get a six pack. I hired the same coaches that my favorite YouTuber Matt Ogus had. 3DMuscleJourney. I got very serious with Diet and training.
When I started with 3DMuscleJourney in 2012, I had been working out for a solid year. I had gotten down to 195lbs from 215. Not a huge difference. And I had put on a good amount of Muscle in that time.
3DMuscleJourney taught me and guided me on how to train effectively while dieting and how to diet efficiently by tracking macros. But my preworkout and caffeine use had spiked up 1,500mg a day. I used caffeine as a substitute for food. After 12 weeks, I was down to 160lbs.
I was fit by any person's definition. My new found glory would soon collapse as my caffeine and DMAA use caught up to me. I started having bad shoulder pain, my joints were achy and cracky, popping every time I moved. I started stretching and doing mobility exercises but the pain in my body only got worse. I was unable to sleep. I would have fits of rage followed by lows of doubt and depression.
Then, I broke. I was no longer able to exercise because of the pain. I started eating more to see if it would help my joints. I quickly gained 30lbs. Probably within only a few weeks. I ended my coaching and started to slip back towards the abyss
That's when I figured out that caffeine and DMAA were both a huge problem.
I had been consuming caffeine my whole life. But never thought twice about it. It was a legal substance that a kid could go buy in a vending machine. How bad could it be? Broken, I decided to quit.
I was quickly able to cut out DMAA. But every attempt at quitting caffeine left me in so much pain that I would quickly rationalize going back to it. I never made it past two weeks.
Why was this harder than quitting all of those harder drugs?
I guess decades of using a softer drug still carves out some pretty steep ravines in your reward pathway. Caffeine was my last vice. Or so I thought..
I read the book "Caffeine Blues". This book explained that caffeine is not healthy in any way. It is a stimulant that causes your body to break down over time just like any drug. The book outlined some of the negatives associated with caffeine.

• Poor sleep, even if you didn't consume caffeine close to bedtime
• Joint pain from increased muscle tension.
• Poor vitamin and mineral absorption.
• Energy crashes and mood swings.
• Irritability.
• Psychosis.
• Masking negatives of caffeine with drugs and alcohol.

The list goes on. This was crazy. The book recommended tapering off of caffeine. While I was able to wean down to 300-600 most days. I couldn't get myself to fully commit. I started to look for some help.
Maybe I needed something to give me energy and focus while I quit?
I started to look at "Nootropics" to help me focus. I tried a large variety of them.

• Noopept
• Modafinil
• Piracetam
• Aniracetam
• L-Theanine
• Phenibu
• Kratom
• Nicotine
• A large variety of other supplements.

Non of this helped me quit caffeine. I soon realized that these legal "Performance enhancers" were just drugs. With their own highs and lows. And negative effects over time. I ended up quitting all of this after a year.
It was back to the drawing board.
Around the end of 2015, I ended up doing a 3 month or so long caffeine taper. Using caffeine powder and a mg scale I bought off Amazon. The plan was slow and steady. 1-2mg per day. I didn't want to notice my caffeine levels were dropping. After about a month under 25mg, I started feeling great.
My joints felt great, Arizona heat was more comfortable, I craved healthy food and exercise, I slept like a baby, the list goes on. I had raised my testosterone levels from 320ng/dL to 575ng/dL.
But then, just as I finally let go of caffeine. There was a surprise. A curve ball that would change my life forever.
The boy who lived...
My first child was to be born. The 24 hours in the hospital was an introduction to the lack of sleep I would face over the next few years. I caved..
One or two cups of coffee later, my son was born, and a new cycle of baby wake me up > being tired > caffeine to get me through the day > poor quality sleep > baby wake me up had begun.
I got got even more dependent on caffeine. I could no longer just take a nap whenever I wanted. I was a mess. Feeling like shit, with high stress, I also started drinking alcohol and smoking weed again. My testosterone levels plummeted down to 275ng/dL.
Great move dad..
I wanted to get healthy again. I started reading books about health, nutrition, meditation, etc. I wanted to attack this problem from multiple angles. I started eating a plant-based diet, meditating, exercising, taking ice baths, etc. I quit alcohol and weed again. Tapering my caffeine down below 100mg again.
I was starting to feel better. Even got my testosterone levels all the way up to 575ng/D
The girl who lived..
Sorry about the Harry Potter references...
Just when I thought it was over, another curve ball to my health goals. Something that would start the lack of sleep cycle all over again.
You guessed it.. another child! This time, there was a baby girl in my house. This new baby came with new challenges. Our daughter was born with cataracts. She had to have surgery at around 3 months old to get them removed. So not only did we have to deal with the lack of sleep stress again, and boy did she excel in that area, we had to deal with putting contacts in a baby...
Imagine a grown man squeezing their fist closed. And you have to delicately open up their fist, and place a sticky note on their palm without bending the paper. And the grown man is also having a seizure at the same time. Also, you haven't slept a quality night of sleep for weeks.
Needless to say, but I'm going to say it, our stress levels shot through the roof. We had new worries and fears about our daughter's condition and the caffeine cycle ramped back up again. All while trying to focus on my new career in IT and raising our other child.
Testosterone Replacement Therapy
I think sometime early 2023, a friend told me he was on Testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). I knew my low test levels were due to stress, caffeine use, lack of sleep, belly fat, poor eating habits, etc. But I was desperate for some edge that would help me finally quit caffeine and get healthy again.
I thought, if I can use Testosterone to help me get healthy, then I can get off of it later and not suffer any consequences.
Boy was I wrong
TRT did give me more drive and gusto to get stuff done. It also made me work harder than my body wanted. I started getting more back pain from harder weightlifting session, I actually started doing more caffeine, and even weed again. I was like 6 years clean from weed at this point.
This made me over confident. Like I could handle anything, which led to poor decisions. I felt like a horny teenager and it made it hard to focus. I started masturbating furiously..
After 4 months stabbing myself in the ass, and draining my life essence, I decided to quit TRT cold turkey. I knew this wasn't what I needed.
Withdrawals from TRT were bearable. I had waves of depression, lack of energy, etc. But I got through it. I'll probably get my levels tested again soon. As I write this, I have been off of TRT for 12 months now.
I leaned more heavily on caffeine while I was coming off of TRT. My current levels are around 400mg per day. But tapering off is my primary focus. Or maybe I should try cold turkey again? Not sure how I can afford to be a useless zombie for weeks while I have a full time job and 2 kids to look after.
"Semen retention" and NoFap
For years, I had made half ass attempts at doing No Fap and quitting porn. The benefits claimed by people who have tried it are:

• Increased energy
• Vigor
• Willpower
• Can function on less sleep
• Increased confidenc
• Better focus and concentration
• Muscle growth
• Increased Libido

I started to read some books about the topic. This big two were "Your Brain on Porn" and "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". These books took a more Science-based approach. There were also a couple books that were a little off tilt such as "Bliss of the Celibate" and "Why You Should Never Masturbate". These books included a lot of hokey about chakras and religion.
I never made it passed two weeks.
After TRT, I decided to give it a real go. NoFap/ Semen retention felt like my final try at getting an "edge". I lasted over a month. Just around the 3 week mark, I had felt the same benefits of TRT without all of the negatives. I also learned, that you have to be all in.
Any sexual thoughts had to be banished. Just think of something else. If you entertain lust at all, you will fail. Stay off social media where you may run into soft porn, which can start the spiral that leads you to porn, etc.
I was able to control my caffeine intake finally, my sleep was better, my wife was more attracted to me, I was more patient with the kids. I finally found the answer.
But then, I relapsed. And lost sight of the benefits. I had forgotten.
Slowly everything started slipping again. With small nofap stints here and there never lasting more than two weeks.
As I write this, I am realizing that caffeine was never my problem. It was a symptom of something else. I am currently on day 6 of retention and have made it my number one priority again. I need to remember this. I need my edge back.
The journey continues..
Life is full of ups and downs. And decisions you make (good or bad) compound over time. I know all of the positive effort, and commitment to personal development has paid off over time. Even though it may have been slower than I had hoped.
This story leaves out a lot. But I'd love to have a conversation with anyone who has had similar struggles. I have been going at this alone. I can only imagine how much more growth there can be surrounding yourself with like-minded individual
Ta Ta for Now.

Apologies for this one being so late; Been sick for the last week or so, and the friday i was meant to post this, I think from memory I was busy :/ But I'm starting to get back into the swing of things, and the Glossary Addendum has also had a bit of an overhaul :D I'll be applying that tonight as well, to each of the currently released chapters.
[First] [Glossary Addendum] [Previous]
[From the Abyss Artisanry, Wolfreach Commercial District, Halsion Reach Region, Haldios IV, 12th of Emheraldis, 5011 TE]
[Boltz] The door chimed, though it sounded... Off today, and I sighed. I'd have to replace the old beeper with something else now that it had broken. As I walked towards the counter, I heard Chit's voice from around the corner as she said,
"I'll be right with you!" I frowned, noticing the strain in her voice. I stepped around the counter and poked my head around the corner, and then immediately rushed to help. She was trying to move a Draekkan mace, and causing gouges in the floor as she dragged the heavy weapon.
"Seriously? Leave Draekkan weapons to me, beloved." I said, and Chit nodded as I lifted the massive, spiked club-like weapon. Made of Luunic steel, the metal was cool against my hand as I cautiously hefted it, a dark blue color akin to the Lunwatch sky on a clear night with few stars. I slowly walked over to the storage racks, and hung the mace on a pair of large hooks. Then I turned back to my lover, and looked her up and down for injuries.
Finding none, I shook my head with another sigh. "Well at least you didn't hurt yourself on it." I said, stepping up to her and wrapping my arms around her lower back. I pulled her cool body towards mine, and she happily melted into my embrace. Chuckling, I planted a kiss on her hair, and gently ran a finger down one of her drit'onthke. Her entire body shivered and she giggled, before wrapping her arms around me and giving me a tight hug.
"So what's on the list for today?" I asked, resting my cheek on her head.
"Just a few armour sets which need some minor repairs, thankfully." Chit replied. I nodded, and then the beeper went off, indicating a customer.
"Solahra's Light, what an awful noise to greet a customer with!" A deep, male-sounding canine voice rumbled from out in the customer area. We reluctantly pulled apart and both went out to see what he needed.

As Chit rounded the corner, she automatically greeted the customer by saying,
"Welcome to From the Abyss Artisanry, how can we help today?" But as I stepped around after her, I froze. The canine man was holding a box filled with shattered pieces of art, it looked like. I stepped closer and realised that they weren't shattered pieces of art, at least not in the traditional sense. Rather, they were the parts of what was formerly a weapon. I felt my eyes widen as I realised what it was. I looked at the canine man, and realised he was a Labardon. I looked back at the pieces of plasma caster, which appeared to, on closer inspection, actually have catastrophically failed at a structural level upon attempting to fire a shot.
"I went to the Lunhaekin blacksmith over in Aellandendil, cos they said that fishing my ancestral plasma caster would be an exceedingly simple affair. Instead, the next time I went to fire it, the blasted thing fell apart in my hands!" The man growled, and then asked,
"How bad is it... Is... Is there any way to restore it?" His eyes went wide as if to wordlessly plead with me, and I gestured for him to give me the box of parts. He hesitantly handed the box over and I gently placed it on the counter before pulling out one of the furcloth rolls underneath and unravelling it. Then, one by one, I pulled out each of the pieces, and with each new item, my heart sank.

This would not be a simple fix of just re-assembling the pieces. I let out a heavy sigh, and, leaning on the counter, covered my mouth with the side of my hand while looking at the arrayed parts.
"This is... At this point you might as well just buy a new plasma caster." I said finally, still looking at the parts. I looked up at the man and said,
"If I reconstruct this, because that's what it will take, a full reconstruction, it WILL cost more than buying a new caster." I looked down at the parts again, and swore under my breath.
"The focusing plate has been shattered, and those things are near indestructible when carved right, the prism chamber is cracked, so that's no good any more, and the magnetic acceleration rings..." I trailed off, and swallowed before looking up at the man.
"They're not rings any more..." I whispered, and the man's face seemed to break.
"Is there anything we can salvage of the original parts?" He asked, his voice shaky. I looked down at the parts, and realised that there was just one piece that was fully intact. With a mirthless chuckle, I picked it up.
"The plasma compression chamber. That's it." I laid the small metallic chamber down again, and sighed.
"The rest is just... Junk. Scrap even." I shook my head, running the numbers in my head. When I finished, I swore again, and dropped the bombshell.
"You're looking at around fifty thousand in parts alone." I said, and the canine's shoulders slumped.
"If that's the price it takes..." He said.
"I will try and recover as much material as I can though; I might be able to melt down the mag rings for example and re-energise them."

[A Cycle Later...]
[Chit'eiwu]
The Labardon stepped into the store, a simple digital bell sounding, and he sighed, his tail wagging a little as he did so.
"Much better than last time!" He joked, and Jakob walked around the corner holding a box, grinning from ear to ear.
"Just in time, good sir!" He exclaimed. He set down the box, and the Labardon's gaze instantly honed in on it. Jakob laid a hand on the lid, and said,
"Behold, your restored heritage!" And with that, he lifted the lid like he was proposing to the customer, and the canine's eyes lit up, his tail suddenly zipping back and forth as though it were some kind of demented metronome. As he lifted the ancient weapon, my own eyes widened; It was truly a thing of beauty.

[Boltz]
I smiled as the Labardon man admired my handiwork, and in a voice that sounded like it was half pure air, he whispered,
"It's as beautiful as the day my sire first showed it to me..." My smile widened, and I said,
"I was able to salvage more than I thought, in the end. I managed to keep the primary focus cone; I simply had to melt and recast it due to a crack in it, the laser projector's crystal matrix casing also was salvageable, though I did have to replace the crystal matrix. So it now has a Kaurine crystal for providing the first round of focusing." The man froze, and his gaze flicked to me. His hands still raise, he asked,
"A Kaurine crystal? Genuine?" I nodded.
"Cut the crystal free from the rock myself." I replied. The man laid the plasma caster on the counter gently, though it rattled slightly from his shaking paws as he ceased to support it.
"My sire said that it originally had a Shell crystal as its matrix..." He said, voice trembling as much as his paws.
"They are great crystals for energy conduction as well as for energy focusing. It took a bit to set the frequency for the right channels though." He nodded, and shakily handed over his Orionpay card. I handed it to Chit'eiwu, right as he asked,
"So how much was it all up?" I grinned and replied,
"An even fifty five thousand." He blinked, and asked,
"But... the crystal... Surely that alone would be a few hundred thousand!" I shook my head, and replied,
"It's not a Blade. And it doesn't need to be anywhere near as big. Only came to around three thousand." He nodded, and Chit'eiwu input the numbers and scanned the card. The system registered a successful transaction, and she handed the man back his card.
"Thank you for choosing From the Abyss Artisanry!" I said, and he nodded, his eyes turning shiny with unshed tears.
"No, thank you. All of my friends will be hearing about this, and you will be my first stop for anything artisanal." I nodded to him, and he left, carefully cradling the restored plasma caster in its box. Looking over to the clock, I noticed that it was indicating less than an hour before Lunrise. I jerked my head towards Chit'eiwu and asked,
"Think we should close up the shop early, or wait until Soldown before we stop operating?" She looked up at the clock as well, then back to me, and shook her head.
"No, I think we can afford to close early this evening." I nodded, and pressed the button to activate the end of Watch sign system, and a moment later, a holosign in the window came to life and began a 10 minute countdown.

We always did the countdown so that prospective customers knew how long they had to enter to the store before we stopped taking new customers prior to closing down for the Lunwatch. As usually happened however, the sign completed its countdown and flicked to the "Closed" display, and I pressed a second button to lock the door remotely, and arm the security system. As I did so, Chit'eiwu walked into the apartment, and soon after, I heard the sound of her cooking. I smiled, knowing that she was bound to make an incredible dinner as per usual, and let out a contented sigh as the system went through the arming process. Life with her was... Good. Not necessarily great by any stretch of the imagination; Most of our days were spent working after all. But it was at least a good life. A life I was more than happy to lead.

When the system indicated full armed status some minutes later, I followed my aquatic lover into our home behind and above the shop, and arrived just in time for her to serve up dinner. As I sat down, a stupid grin spread across my face as I beheld what she had cooked up. On the plate was a kind of "nest" made of purple coloured strands of pasta, and topped off with a green-sauced mince of some kind. I looked up at my lover, who was watching me expectantly. My grin refusing to go away, I obliged her apparent intent, and used a fork to collect some mince with sauce, and some of the pasta.

As the food reached my mouth, it was like an explosion of flavours; An earthy, slightly spicy flavour issued forth from the sauce, and the mince tasted somewhat like yuron, a kind of cattle animal from Zehllukarn Prime, and it was followed up by a surprisingly sweet flavour from the pasta as it rotated around in my mouth as I chewed. Swallowing, I said,
"This is incredible! I can't even properly describe it; it's... It's like an explosion of all different flavours coming together in my mouth!" Chit's face turned a fierce azure, and my grin widened. The grin morphing into a smirk, I added,
"You're definitely getting rewarded this Lunwatch, beloved."

[A Few Hours Later...]

[Boltz]

As Chit'eiwu walked into the bedroom we shared upstairs, I put the dishes from our dinner into the automatic dishwasher, and followed her up. As I reached the laundry room, I stripped off my clothes from the Solwatch, and tossed them expertly into the laundry, each garment hitting the wall and bouncing off slightly to fall into the clothes basket waiting below, before walking into the bedroom entirely unclad. Chit'eiwu was laying in the bed, the blanket covering her amethyst body from view, and in such a way that I knew that she too had put her clothes in the laundry. I walked around the bed, and pulled down the blanket to get in beside her, and after that, things turn rather hazy for a little while.

[A Week Later...]

[Chit'Eiwu]
Jakob and I stepped off of the transport, hand-in-grasper, him looking absolutely divine in a glacial blue suit with silver trimmings, seeming to be a walking ice sculpture. Complimenting him, I opted for a taste of my birthplace; Trimmed with onyx hems, I was wearing a deep, abyssal purple dress, showing off my relatively lighter purple skin, becoming a shadow of the Abyss to act as the dark counterpart to my Warrior of the Overwaves. I looked towards him as we stepped inside the Fortress of Kaur'Ainda together for the first time since I was Ascended by both him and Cewa together.
He looked back at me, smiled and squeezed my hand reassuringly, before saying over our rarely-used connection,
There's no need to be nervous; It's just a Greenmarch Feast, my Siren. As I did every time he called me that, I giggled; At first I had been confused by him calling me an alarm sound, until he showed me one of the few surviving Terran records from... Wherever it was that they came from. Terran, or at the time, Human, women of extraordinary beauty, totally uncovered, and singing some kind of song that lured male sailors to their deaths.
Then he had sent me an image of how he viewed me; My plain purple skin instead appeared almost... Luminous, and my average green eyes were glittering emerald gems. My hair, an equally unremarkable azure, was a brilliant blue that resembled the Azuresheet high above even the Overwaves, and in his mind's eye, my cheeks were flushed slightly blue. I had never considered myself to be attractive by any means; In the Abyss I would have struggled to find a mate...
But here in the Overwaves? I had been chosen by a Terran, that enigmatic, smooth-skinned, near-prey-like biped species who were renowned for absurd feats of strength and endurance. I was not as fragile as I seemed, even before my Ascension...
But Jakob seemed to realise that early on; The first time we lay together, an eye-rolling, mind-erasing experience, he showed such gentleness that it was hard to believe the stories... Until the very next day when I had struggled to move a shipment of materials that had come in, even barely raising it, and he had simply come in and told me to let it go, before seeming to effortlessly pick up the heavy box and carry it into the Forge, before placing it down and rapidly sorting the material inside for me. I had asked him about it, and his response was a mere shrug, and to say, It wasn't that heavy for me; Absolutely awkward, but not anything that will break my back.

In the present, we stepped into the Great Hall, and froze. It had been totally transformed, becoming a verdant green forest canopy under which wooden tables seemingly made from the trunks of trees, with seats formed from sections of log from great tree branches. Seiranha saw us enter, and rushed over to greet us.
"Boltz! Chit!" She exclaimed, and hugged us both in turn. It felt... Odd, to be given a hug by a Vampyris, but this particular one was a friend, and so I happily returned the hug, albeit reluctantly letting go of Jakob's hand to do so. We held the hug for a few eternal moments, before she let go and did the same to Jakob, who greeted her warmly.
"You look great!" Jakob said to the Vampyris warrior, and she blushed a deep golden color on her pale cream skin. It looked almost like golden Skyblaze rays were touching her cheeks as she giggled. But Jakob was right; She was garbed in a flowing set of obviously ceremonial armour which appeared to have been made by first weaving a suit of leaves, and then attaching segments of bark to the resulting garment. And combined with her silver-in-crimson eyes...
"You look sort of like a vengeful forest spirit in this armour, Master Seiranha!" I said, and the woman grinned.
"That's sort of the idea. Not many people remember that the spirits of the forests of all our worlds yet live... And for those who do not respect the forest's inhabitants, only death can be anticipated, or worse."

Over the course of what remained of the Solwatch, we enjoyed the Greenmarch Feast, and soon enough, it was time to scatter to our homes once again, to rest away the overindulgences of the Feast.

[Boltz]
As the transport landed at the Wolfreach starport, Chit and I walked down the ramp, though she was somewhat unsteady on her legs. Chuckling, I asked her,
"Would you like me to carry you home?" She looked at me, her face blazing sapphire, but through our connection, she, apparently not realising she was 'speaking', replied, I thought you'd never ask... My mighty Skybright, carrying me like an Inkle in his powerful arms... As the thought travelled over our connection the azure spread, and I shook my head with a grin. I really was the luckiest guy in the Reach to have landed such an exotic life partner. She happily stepped in closer to me, and I swept her off her feet, much to her almost drunken delight, and she let out a whoop of surprise.
However, as her intoxicated brain realised what had happened, she melted into my embrace, burbling away in my ear as though she had been returned to her youngest of Watches. I was all too happy to carry my lover home of course; The sound of her tripled heartbeat like a three-beat rhythm pulsed against my own heart, and her emerald gaze was transfixed on my face, the look in those beautiful green orbs one of utter and complete adoration.

After around 10 minutes, we reached the shop, and I swiped my wristcomm over the new sensor, first up-down, then right-left. The two-part verification proved my identity, and the door swung open automatically, a recent addition I had also made. As we cleared the door, I swept my foot around and behind me to close the door again, and carried Chit to the bedroom in our apartment, before laying her gently down on the bed, and saying,
"Unfortunately, I've gotta take that incredible dress off you or it will be ruined in your sleep." Chit vaguely nodded, and I helped her stand back up. Having done this routine together before, she laid her arms on my shoulders for added balancing support, and I bent down to grab the bottom of the dress, before slowly pulling it up to her chest. Feeling the garment fully above her hips, Chit carefully sat down on the bed, and I carefully pulled the dress up and over her head, then down her arms.

Turning around, I draped the dress across a nearby dresser, smoothing out any wrinkles in it, and then returned my attention to my lover, who was now completely undressed. Once again taking up the role of caregiver, I wrapped an arm around her and scooped her up once more before laying her on the bed sideways, where she let out a small gasp as the cold fabric touched her bare skin. I gave her a reassuring smile and said,
"I'll have you nice and warm soon enough, Heartstreasure." And with that, I stripped off my own suit, carefully draping it over a chair, and then pulled off the underwear I had worn for the Feast, and climbed under the covers beside Chit. Upon feeling me enter the bed, she shifted over, hissing a bit as she moved off the warmed area, and melted her body against my own. As she settled into a comfortable position, one of her legs across mine, she said through repeated yawns,
"May... May you swim... With the... Blessing of... Of Drynedaea... My.... Sky-Warrior..." Chuckling as I wrapped an arm around her back, I kissed her gently on the forehead and over our connection, replied,
"May Luunah Guard your Dreams, Heartstreasure of the Depths." And with that, as if it were a cue, Chit's breathing shifted to become deep and regular, and the sound along with the rising and falling of her amethyst chest against my skin sung its own siren song, dragging me down into...
[Next: To Tread the Shaded Path]

In late April I purchased an Ender 3 S -1, assembled it, and got my first perfect print.... That was the end of the fun I've been having with it.
After that. every consecutive print has been failing on the first layer every time.
I've tried every levelling technique: Tightening the bed down all the way then backing it off and doing an initial level then finding my z-offset and finally levelling with my e-leveler 2 then setting my auto level. Nothing works... I'm either off on one side or the print just fails altogether.
Is there anyone who has any other tips I can try before I throw this thing out a window? This hobby has been nothing by a headache and a pain in my wallet so far. I know these machines can do great prints but I can't ever get started.

As always, thank you to u/SpacePaladin15 for the wonderful universe that is NoP! Thank you to u/cruisingNW for proof reading and helping me make this chapter as good as it can be, you're the man! Honestly LoM wouldn't have gone very far without him! If you haven't you should absolutely go read Foundations of Humanity! It's very good AND it just updated!
A big thanks to u/Saint-Andros for helping with proofreading! He writes Out of Our Elements which is a very good one! If you like a good fic in the wilderness and a pair of cute 'friends' ;) you'll love OOE!
Also thank you to u/brotanics! For this wonderful fanart of Taisa. And this one! She's so cute I'm gonna die
And thank you to u/Jimdandy117! For this adorable fanart of Chris and Renkel! Dear god help he's adorable I love him so much
Thank you u/SlimyRage, or AsciiSquid on Discord, for makin' Vengineer Taisa Gamin'. She's absolutely adorable, I love her lil' workers apron. She looks so excited to get to work!
Thank you u/Braquen! For this astounding Pixel Art of Taisa after a few range day dates with Chris! Her little hat and gunbelt are absolutely astounding!
Thank you u/VeryUnluckyDice! For this Artwork of Taisa and Chris as characters from One Piece! I've never seen or read it before but it's incredibly cute!
Thank you to u/creditmission for their wonderful work of several LoM fanfics!
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Memory Transcription Subject: Taisa, Venlil Starship Engineer, Crystal Star Shipping Co-Owner
Date [Standardized Human Time]: October 16th, 2136
Stars… doom or not, that moon is beautiful.
Earth’s own spotlight still hung in the sky, creeping ever higher backlight more and more of the fleet waiting in anticipation. The moon’s pure white light scattered aimlessly across the mountains, shimmering like liquid silver on the surface of the river flowing through the valley far below us. Slinking dark forms of ships that slipped beyond her light made their presence known through the trailing wisps their ion thrusters jetted out behind them; painting the soil-black sky with twisting, swirling hues of blue amongst the shimmering stars.
A warm and weighty hand pulled me close as the cool night air of the mountains flowed through my wool, coaxing a contended purr to build and blossom in my chest as I pressed into Chris’ side, stretching up to nuzzle into his neck before leaning forward and snatching another ‘hummus’ covered carrot from the tray to pop it into my mouth. The delicious, savory smoothness of the hummus accompanied the sweet harshness of the carrot perfectly, sending a trill of pleasure through my chest before I continued my story.
“Anyhow, Quilleth and I, despite her continuous protests, get assigned to the same design herd for one of our final projects. We had an old Triconn Drive Systems TC-547 Jump drive and one of their ‘standard’ fusion cores to go with it, one of the worst pairs of speh-stacks ever built if you ask me, that we needed to rebuild and get working again, and she wanted no part of having to ‘deal’ with me for any extended period of time. Tavareth, my jump-drive maintenance and design professor, was adamant that,” I stopped, pulling in a breath and puffing out my chest, doing my best to mimic the old, gray trunked Mazic. “Ahem, ‘In a work environment you’ll have to work past your differences to make the herd stronger.’ and all kinds of other speh that amounted to ‘I need to fill out this herd the rest of the way and you two are who’s left.’”
“They both sound so pleasant.” Chris rumbled, a chuckle in his voice as he grinned, handing me another of his ‘cracker sandwiches’ before turning his eyes back to the stars high above.
“That’s a word for it.” I agreed, giving a jovial whistle past the crumbling cracker and deliciously smooth nut-spread. “But she dropped that tune real fast the second we came up to a real problem in the project trying to source a new, or at least rebuildable, primary magnetic accelerator. I called Parnel and had a brand new one, that was well past any spec we were expected to meet, in our workshop and installed within the paw. After that I checked the drive’s Tritium levels, rerouted every coolant line, field flow point and magnetic induction coil so they actually worked right, stars forbid those wool brains at Triconn ever design something right the first time, to get everything I could out of the new accelerator assembly.”
“Now why does that sound familiar?” Chris mused, a sly smile on his face as scooped a fistful of crunchy chips into his mouth.
“You can shush Captain ‘try his damnedest to burn out every subsystem he can find’, half the re-routing I have to do now is your fault!” I replied with an amused whistle, paffing the back of his head with my tail-tuft before continuing. “Now, after I’d… dove into the ove-”
“As you often do.” Chris cut in, a smile on his face as he prodded my side with a burbling laugh in his voice.
“Shush!” I bleated in return, the warmth of a spreading bloom driving the sneaking cold of the mountain air from my wool. “As I was saying, after I dove into the drive, Quilleth and our other partners, mostly Quilleth, had taken it on themselves to handle the core’s overhaul and refueling. Leave it to most herds to take the easy route and not learn something if they can get away with it, you can damn well bet they made sure to document that I was the one who worked on the drive and that the, far easier, core was all them. The work on the drive took a while by myself but I still managed to get everything done and put together before we had to spin it up for the test-paw.”
“How do you test a drive and a core if it's not on a ship? Feels like a fast way to make a problem for yourself.” Chris asked, his eyes focused on me, interest plain on his face as his hand wrapped around my side to pull me close.
“Well the drives physically can’t engage if they’re in a sufficient gravity well, and VP is well beyond that threshold, so we just spin them up, take readings to ‘prove’ that they’d work in a real application. I argued we should have had a few shuttles with remote diagnostics and control systems, like we used during your flight training, to do the tests to show they actually did work since correct readings in a gravity well and correct readings in applied use can be different and you wouldn’t know until you were in orbit and getting ready to jump. Tavareth said he’d have ‘loved to give us the chance but the university didn’t have the funds to allocate’ or some other excuse the faculty always used to avoid doing things the right way.” I replied, waving my paws in frustration at the amount of projects that were only given a curled tail of thought before being dumped on us to complete, real world applications or not.
“Sounds a lot like Trepassy’s parent company, unless it was a ‘mission critical component’ as they put it, then they didn’t much care to fix it if it didn’t keep her stuck in port. Always made the excuse that the repairs weren’t in the budget while posting ten plus percent margins. Didn’t matter how much me and the cap’ called and bitched them out for busted Air-con or the rec-room being entirely bare they always said the same damned thing. Bunch of assholes.”
My tail set to wagging at the idea of Chris and his captain shouting into a phone at some other Human half the world away about something that felt all too familiar. “Anyways, we get everything set up on the testing field outside of Dayside, get the systems mounted into their cooling and fuel channels before we start spooling the core up and putting power to the drive. Before too long Tavareth announces that everything looks stable and we can begin putting load onto the system, everything climbs their scales well. The warp field levels off with the expected fluctuations of a drive being operated way too far into a gravity well to maintain any real stability and the core temperature looks good. Everything’s holding steady, Tavareth looks pleased, the rest of my project-herd is congratulating each other on a project completed.”
“Then the core temp starts climbing, blooming well beyond any ‘acceptable’ overheating limiter Quilleth, Uderek or Ofent could have seen fit to set. I looked over and found all three of them watching the core start to melt down in disbelief as Tavereth slams down every single E-stop he can find on the command console. Suddenly everything stops, the room goes quiet as the distant, now glowing white core is dumped straight into an abort tank to expend its… energy somewhere a bit safer. ”
“Tavereth whipped around faster than I’d ever seen that big old Mazic move and oh stars was he furious!” I bleated, tossing my paws in the air at the memory of him studying each of us in turn before launching into an angry tirade. “That core was as bright as the stars themselves but it had nothing on the bloom positively glowing beneath Quilleth’s coat! He laid into all of us for a solid five minutes, calling out everything that could have gone wrong under Sollaglick’s light and I didn’t say a thing until she tried to blame me for forgetting to install the limiters!”
I saw the corner of Chris’ mouth curl in a tight smile, he knew what was coming but it still felt so good to be able to revel in it with my own herd, pack or whatever we should have been called. “Then I threw her own write up right back at her! Pointed out every note that explicitly called out that I only worked on the drive and that the core was all them, more specifically that SHE was supposed to have installed the limiters almost a herd before according to their schedule!”
“Uderek, Ofent and I all got a stern warning about why you should always check your herd-mates’ work and I got a gruff ‘good work’ for the drive before Tavereth positively berated Quilleth for the next quarter claw! Those two were good to me for the tail end of the semester, I’d hoped they’d try to keep in touch after we went our separate ways but… well they really didn’t.” I sighed with a shrug, the sun falling from my field at the memory of the last time I’d seen the chipper Gojid and our Tilfish friend.
“Well, hopefully things are going good for them, sometimes folks get busy… maybe they figure they don’t wanna bother you! ‘Specially now that you got your own ship and whatnot!” Chris comforted, his hands tracing wonderfully comforting circles through my wool.
Could always try to get in contact again if we make it through this.
>Agreed.< “Maybe I should, would be nice to have even more paws onto look at any of the problems Darno and I can’t… Stars above what is that?!”
My breath hitched in my throat as I looked to the stars, watching as the fleets high above began to exchange zipping tails of blue and green. A horrid, deadly light show filled the void high above earth, ships on both sides taking and serving hits with the fervor only people fighting for their lives, and the lives of everyone they’d ever known, could truly muster. The blazing trails of plasma slammed into the distant motes, scattering their vibrant colors in globs across the tapestry of the stars before some of them were joined by the flash of critical reactors and munition blowouts.
But amongst it all that wasn’t even the most of it.
For a brief moment I had thought the U.N. had decided to throw their entire moon at the fleet, another break-tail juke to smash as much of the fleet as they could; but the vectors were all wrong. They weren’t propelling here, they were taking off from her. The light of the moon was ablaze, obscured with towering pillars of smoke and fire, cacophonous trails of burnt oxygen and hydrogen traced a stampede directly to the extermination fleet. No, what they had actually chosen to do was far worse.
They’d stowed what looked like a never ending salvo of gargantuan missiles waiting for the exact moment to drop everything they had on the extermination fleet. A thought crossed my mind, a display from some stars-forsaken exhibit in the capital’s museum called ‘true evil’, its content was positively laughable now, about how many atomics humanity had made before they’d ’annihilated’ themselves. I think the curator had harvested the numbers a shear or two short. The sky lit up like a battery of strobes, the constant cracking light of splitting atoms nearly turning night to day as they spread like a blight through the assaulting fleet.
I couldn’t help but pull my lips back in a smile as my tail thumped rapidly against the stone beneath me. That mote of hope in my chest grew, watching the burning hulks full of people who wanted nothing more than to destroy everything about this world I’d come to love break apart, venting atmosphere as they sat, hanging in the void. Some tried to turn tail and limp away, some slipped into Earth’s gravity, their battered hull sections turning to voracious fireballs as they plummeted toward the hard, unforgiving dirt below.
Should’ve stayed home.
The thunk and twang of Chris’ instrument slipping from its case harvested my attention, my eyes sliding from the battle high above to the glowing white instrument resting in his hands. His own eyes turned to the sky, hovering for a moment as he plucked a few discordant notes from the instrument before looking back down and over to me, meeting my gaze.
“‘Suppose now’s as good a time as any.” He shrugged, giving me a small smile as I nodded, wrapping my tail around his wrist before gently nuzzling into his neck and turning my eyes back to the battle.
The sharp, plucky, barking twang of the banjo called out across the mountain tops, echoing back to us like a distant friend as Chris’ voice filled the air, joining the banjo in its reprise. The slow, wavering song danced between us just as the violence for the stars above, weaving amongs the whispering chorus of the trees and the chattering, throaty backing of evening insects.
“But I want to be where all the stupid shit I say Sounds so romantic and true.
Cause I'd rot in hell with you,
If you'd just ask me to.
I love the shitty things we do together,
Live with me in this sin forever.”
Memories flooded my mind with the words and hanging notes that echoed across the valley before us. The panic of our first solo flight as Chris pushed Shamrock for everything she’d had to give us, trying desperately to keep her in one piece as he blew past every limiter to get Maeve to the hospital as fast as we could. Concern roiling in my chest as I helped him to the truck after he’d dove into the river after, soaked to the bone, shivering and frozen but still so proud. The frustration of the two of us hard at work on Polani the paw after we’d gotten her, tail, and elbow, deep in carbon, grease and oil as we cursed everything under the stars. The fear of the cradle as the thunder of shells slamming into Polani’s hull filled her halls, the horror as one stalked me within my home…
“Cause home is the last place that I'd stand to be with anyone but you.
I'd rot in hell with you, If you'd just ask me to.
I love the shitty things we do together, Live with me in this sin forever.
Hell and you, I know you want it too.
I hope you take the shot, see this chance.
Feel the fire, and let me have this dance with you.”
I pressed into his side with a contented sigh, listening to the last echoing twangs of the Banjo and his voice as they called back across the great expanse before us. A long, cool breath filled my lungs before I leaned up to give his cheek a small, loving lick as a purr rolled through my chest. “I love everything we do together too, Love. Almost as much as I love just having you in my life at all.”
His mouth split into that broad, goofy grin as his hand pulled me just a little closer, his heavy voice rolling through me, just as comforting as always. “I love you too, Darlin’.”
“So…” I whistled, my tail twitching back and forth with amusement as I spoke into his neck. “About that dan-”
The words faltered in my mouth as a building light caught my eye, harvesting my attention skyward.
There, seemingly hanging in the sky, a pair of ships were tangled, no speared together. Both of them were burning fuel as munitions explosions wracked their hulls and trailing plumes of wispy atmosphere vented from their hulls as they plummeted to earth together, locked in their own deadly dance. The fires of re-entry blazed across both of their hulls as parts, pods and melted trails of slag broke away from both of them. The rammer’s guns opened up, sending round after round out after the escape pods that had bailed from the other ship, turning scores of them into little more than puffs of smoke that never had a chance.
As the pair grew closer I could finally make out what they were, or at least who the aggressor was. A Federation light cruiser was speared dead in her midship by the unmistakable, sleek curves of a Venlil Destroyer ending in a hextet of thrusters that still belched plumes of burning hydrogen fuel into the sky as she drove her opponent towards the certain death of the mountains below them with everything they had. The screaming roar of the ship reached my ears, their cacophonous echos casting across the mountain range like the angered, belligerent wails of someone defending everything they held dear.
That ship doesn’t have U.N. markings… Stars above that ship… those are Venlil.
“Damn…”
“Stars above…”
Chris and I watched what amounted to a grand, defiant headbutt as it traced its path down from the stars above. The pair of dancing ships continued their descent, pirouetting to the mountains below them like experienced partners just as their arms and thrusters screamed at each other like enemies with a centuries old grudge to settle.
“Shit… they’re comin’ down on Salt Pond.” Chris whispered, his eyes tracking the pair as they plummeted.
Mountains rose into sight beneath them, the distant mountain’s peak rose into the sky like it was anticipation, just hoping for the chance to dash the interloper across its face.
“H-How far is that?”
“‘Bout twenty miles as the crow flies. ‘Least no one lives on that one I think, ‘sides maybe the rangers.”
The fleets far above them were still locked in a furious fight, the monstrous flanks of the federation ships pushed on, crashing through the defenders like a harvester through wool-grass. Ships of both sides fell from their formations, ablaze like the stars around them, only growing brighter before flaring into catastrophic explosions that cast them into incalculable pieces that fell to the ground below like a meteor shower.
“Think they’ll manage?” I whispered, a sprout of fear and doubt managing to push past the stone of hope I’d done my best to embed in my heart.
“I hope so, Darlin’. I ho-“
The cacophonous screech and cavernous boom of metal crashing into stone, trees and dirt filled the air, drowning his voice out and sending birds scattering from the trees around us as the ground beneath us shuddered from the impact.
Then everything went whi-
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ERROR: REMAINDER OF LOADED TRANSCRIPT CORRUPTED.
ERROR CODE: 47846-MD-EF-RI. MEMORY DAMAGED BY ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS: RADIOLOGICAL INFLUENCE.
SOLUTION: ATTEMPT RECOVERY? Y/N
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ATTEMPTING…
ATTEMPTING…
ATTEMPT FAILED.
SOLUTION: LOAD NEXT TRANSCRIPT IN QUEUE FOR ‘THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE BLACKSBURG BURNER AND THE SKALGAN SHOWSTOPPER’? Y/N
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SOLUTION ACCEPTED. LOADING NEXT TRANSCRIPT.
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Hey all!
Okay, so I discovered ASMR about three/four months ago and... wow! So much content and it has been quite a nice thing for me to get into when life gets a bit tricky. After reading/listening to a lot of people's work, I decided to write a script. I do not intend to record this myself - nobody needs to hear my voice lol!!
I'm not expecting anyone to read, or comment - I wrote this for fun and curious to see what people think! However, if you do, thankyou!! Please feel free to leave a comment, and constructive feedback. Still learning the ropes, so to speak.
I'm definitely not expecting any voice artists to want to pick this up, but again, if you do, thankyou so much!! Feel free to post on Youtube, Patreon etc and I'm fine with monetization. Just please provide full credit to me and a link to the script :)
Also, I know I include a lot of directions on background noise, but I leave that entirely up to the artist! It's mainly to break up big blocks of exposition, but from the stuff I've listened to, I do prefer background noises. I just find it much more immersive.
As put in the title, I've deliberately kept both Yandere and listener gender neutral. Both Yandere and listener can be any gender! I wrote this for everyone! My personal preference would be Yandere girl, listener boy, but again, I'm not fussed if that's not your thing!
Finally, and I hope she doesn't mind me doing this, but I wanted to do a little plug to HuskyWolfGirl's YT channel. She was one of the first ASMR channels I found and really helped influence me in seeking out other content, both on Reddit and YouTube, and wanting to write my own stuff. Her work is really good and she deserves a much bigger following. Link here https://www.youtube.com/@huskywolfgirlasmr
So, the premise is you've been dating someone for a couple of weeks and you're starting to really like them. You've even been thinking that things could get pretty serious. That said, they are a bit odd, only ever meeting up with you at night, not eating a huge amount, and always being cold. One night, you finally get intimate with each other and something happens. They change into a strange creature right in front of you, with wings, big fangs and red eyes. The last thing you see is them coming at you, and everything goes dark...
Muffled noises. Fire crackling in a grate. Maybe some distant wind through the window.
A chair creaking. The sound of straining rope, which starts soft and then increases in volume. Someone has been restrained and is trying to free themselves.
Footsteps, loud and clunky as someone approaches.

Yandere
Thank God! You’re awake. Finally! You’ve been asleep ages.

More staining rope noises, increasing in intensity.

Yandere
(sounding worried)
Please don’t struggle. You’re only going to hurt yourself. I’ve been around a while. I know my way around a knot. Please. I said STOP.

The word ‘stop’ is echoey. It has power in it. The noises stop.

Yandere
Okay. Thankyou.

Noise of a chair being pulled across the room.

Yandere
Look, I’m sorry, okay. This was not the plan. I just want you to know that. I’m not going to hurt you, or do anything bad. I mean yeah, okay, tying you up isn’t great, I admit. But I just want to sit and talk with you for a little bit. If that’s okay.

Sound of Yandere sitting down. A slight rope strain.


Yandere
Ah, you don’t think it’s okay. I get that. Honest, I’m sorry for having to restrain you like this. I tried not to make it too tight. Are you in pain? You are? Damn. I’ll try to keep this quick. I really am not going to hurt you. I promise.
(sighs)
I only had to tie you up because I need you to listen to me. And after what happened last night, I figured you’d only run if you saw me again. I wouldn’t blame you. But if you did try to get away before we’ve spoken, and I had to stop you, I could hurt you. Not intentionally or anything, but… ah, now you look even more confused.
(sighs again)
You want to say something to me. I’ll take the gag out in a minute, I promise. I know you probably hate me right now. This is all just typical me. Diving in head first, not thinking things through! And now we’re…I… I’m in trouble.
Don’t look at me like that!

The rope straining sounds start again. The listener really wants to get free.

Yandere
Trust me when I say you’re not going anywhere. I’m hundreds of years old and you’re not the first person I’ve had to tie up in my time. Oh Jesus, that sounds so wrong.

At that, the straining stops. The listener is probably trying to get their head around what was just said.

Yandere
Ahh yeah, urm, so that was a slip. I guess I just better get to it. Fact is, I know we’ve only been on a few dates, but things have been so good so far. You’re just so cool to hang out with. I really loved spending time with you, and I think you felt the same.
(beat, Yandere is studying the listener for an answer, but they are keeping still for now)
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before. You make me feel something I haven’t felt in years. Decades. I’ve been alone a while, you know? I was kind of happy to be, until I saw you. I remember seeing you with your friends in the restaurant. Remember, the one I work at? You looked so happy, so full of life. You remember the first night we met? How you spilt a drink on me? Well, that wasn’t actually your fault. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you, so I tripped up near you. I’m pretty clumsy at the best of times, but I didn’t exactly put on an Oscar winning performance.
(yandere chuckles)
I kinda got the impression you figured that out to be honest. But you didn’t seem to care. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way you did. I felt like the most special person in the room. In the whole universe. Are you cold? I’ll put more wood on the fire.

Sound of wood being added to the fire, and flames. Yandere sits down, hissing.

Yandere
Shit, burned my hand! Typical. Is that better though? Don’t worry. I heal quickly, trust me. See? Ah damn, you look so pale. Please believe me. I won’t do anything to you. You’re everything to me. I know it’s fast. I know it’s odd! But you’re wonderful, and amazing, and beautiful and… I’m in love with you.
Remember what you kept saying to me? That you wanted to wait before we spent a night together until it was the right time? That we should get to know each other properly first? Well last night was just… wow. Being with you made it feel like my heart was beating again. It’s probably why… well, what happened last night happened.
What you saw was my true form. It happens sometimes when we lose control of our emotions. I’m usually so good at keeping myself in check. Lots of practice, you know? But I couldn’t help it. And once things got, urm, good last night…
(beat)
I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have let it happen. But I was just enjoying it so much.
Oh my, you’re crying. Please stop.
(echoey)
Stop!
Thankyou. Oh, now you look confused. When I want to, I can compel people to do things. Well, kind of. It doesn’t always work. Never really something I mastered, you know? I don’t like doing it anyway. I just don’t want you to be scared. I need you calm. I can hear your heart beating and it’s… distracting.
(beat)
I can see you really want that gag out. I suppose I can do. Just don’t scream. Nobody is going to hear you.

Sounds of material as the gag is removed.

Yandere
There we go. Oh, no, honey, please don’t… I said there’s no point screaming. Oh, go on then. May as well get it out your system, I guess.

Sounds of strained rope, a creaking chair and footsteps as the listener struggles and Yandere walks to the other end of the room. We hear water being poured into a glass and more footsteps as Yandere comes back.

Yandere
Would you like some water? I can hold it up to… there you go. Not too fast! You’ve spilt it all down yourself now! I know it’s kind of cold in here for you. I can’t really feel it, you know? The cold, I mean. Well, my body is always cold. Kind of comes with the territory of… What? Let you go? I promise, I will do, okay? But there’s just a few things I need to discuss with you first.
(beat)
I won’t hurt you! I would never… why don’t you believe… okay, yeah, I know it looks bad I tied you up like this.
(beat)
Okay, no need to be rude. I know you’re upset and…
(echoey)
That’s enough!
(beat)
Now, I took your gag out because you asked me to, but you will listen to me. Neither of us have a choice in that now. I was gonna wait to tell you this, you know? I mean, I don’t even know when I was gonna tell you. I hadn’t made my mind up. It’s kind of a hard thing to bring up, believe me. Like when do you do it? Third date? Just before I meet your parents? Wedding night? Honeymoon? Kinda hard to jump on a plane to the sunny Amalfi Coast if you run the risk of bursting into flame. But…
Ah, I’m rambling. Okay, I’m just gonna say it. Thing is, well the truth is, I… I’m a Vampire.
(beat)
Okay, so now you think I’m crazy, wonderful. What? That ship had already… okay, you’re being rude again.

Sound of strained ropes again.

Yandere
If you keep struggling like that you’re going to start bleeding. Not a very good idea, you think, given what I’ve just told you? Oh, there’s no such thing huh? Well then. Ask yourself if you can explain what you saw last night. My wings, my hair… my fangs. Like my entire body changed in front of you. I know you saw it.
(beat)
Wait… no, you weren’t drunk.
(beat)
And I certainly did not put anything in your drink! I mean, I did have to knock you out but that was just a small bump on the head! I didn’t plan this, you know! This isn’t some Baby Reindeer rip-off.
(beat)
What? You hated that show? Me too, to be honest. Kind of creeped me out. I mean, how pathetic is that? I’m a 700 year old Vampire who kidnaps and ties up the person I’m in love with, and a crazy Scottish gal is too much for me. I mean, what the actual hell. You probably think I’m the worst Vampire ever.
(beat)
I’m not lying to you. I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this. Here, feel my skin! It’s room temp, it’s always room temp! You always used to comment on how cold I was. Didn’t you ever wonder why we only ever met up at night? Why I never really ate that much when we went out to dinner? What, you think I live for Caesar Salad without dressing? Why do you think my face is always white?
(beat)
Yeah, I knew you thought it was weird. But I knew you never wanted to say anything. I think I loved you for that even more. Despite everything, you still wanted to know me. Do you know how rare it is to find someone you really click with? Someone who sparkles for you like the brightest star, and the way they look at you means they might, just might, feel the same way? I mean, I thought you did.
(hopeful)
Do you?
(beat)
If you say yes, will I let you go? I don’t want you to say yes because you’re scared of me!
(beat)
If I loved you, I’d untie your hands? Are they hurting? I… look, okay, I’ll untie you if it’ll make you feel better. But please don’t try anything. Please don’t. Thing is, the main thing I need to tell you is that you’re in danger. We both are, now you know what I am. Stay still.

Sound of rope being untangled.

Yandere
Okay, there you go. Oh, your wrists look sore. I told you not to struggle too much! I can give you something for that. Okay, sorry, I know you’re still a bit nervous. I won’t try to touch you again unless I have to, so please stay in the chair. The ropes can go back on if they need to.
(beat)
Why are we in danger? Well, it’s a bit complicated. Trying to condense two thousand years of Vampire lore into one conversation is a little hard, you know? I mean, there’s so much crap out there about Vampires. Half the stuff paints us as some sort of wild animal, whilst the other half… I swear I wanted to bite Stephanie Myer. But through all the literal shit they do get some things right. We exist. We live in secret in the human world. We used to be human, until another of our kind turned us, and we became what we are. We drink blood to survive.
(beat)
Okay, I’ll ignore your sarcastic tone. How many are there of us? I’m really not sure, you know? Less than there was when I was first turned, I think. We spend a lot of time in hiding. We really don’t want the human world knowing about us. That part is true as well.
(beat)
Because we are better off! When I was first turned, humans did know about us, and they hunted us. We Vampires, we are stronger than the average human. We also have faster instincts, and we’re very good at hiding. I don’t know for sure, but I think we kind of evolved to be really good at hunting, well… humans. No, please don’t move! I don’t do that anymore! I haven’t fed… I mean, I don’t drink human blood. That’s not what this is about! No…

Sound of running, and a whooshing sound like material flying through the air. Then creaks as the listener is sat in the chair, followed by the sound of rope.

Yandere
I told you not to try anything! I’m going to have to tie you up again now! How am I so fast? Have you not been listening? What? You think I want to keep you tied up? You promise you won’t try that again? Fine, I won't put the ropes back on, but please don’t.
(beat)
I know this sounds crazy, but trust me, it’s real. I’m real. Vampires are real! I’m standing right in front of you! Can you not see me?
(beat)
Where are we all? Well that’s the thing. Most of us tend to keep to ourselves. A while back now, I’m not sure when exactly, a decision was kind of made that we would avoid contact with humans. For every human we hunted, ten would spring up to hunt us back and it looked like it was to be all out war. So, we hid. Got the blood we need from animals. Only some of the bad ones still feed on humans, and even then they do it stealthily. They’re very smart. They use human laws and influence to hide themselves. It’s easy to get very rich when you’ve been around for hundreds of years. They’re the really bad ones.
(beat)
Yeah, quite a few famous people are Vampires. But not all of us are like that. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Most of us try to live with humans. We get our blood from butchers, or hunting wild animals, and we just get by.
(beat)
No. I haven’t seen any of my kind for a long time. Not directly anyway. I’m alone.
(beat)
That’s a very long story. I will tell you, but I first need you to decide something. The thing is, the decision to keep away from humans and to hide, well, it was more than a decision. It was a general order. The accepted nature of a Vampire is that we do not reveal ourselves to humans unless… well unless we plan to make them one of us.
(beat)
Please don’t move. I need to explain… don’t even think about it.
(echoey)
STOP!
(beat)
Don’t you understand? I can’t let you go because you know about us now! And you shouldn’t do. Sit down, please, or I will have to make you.

A chair creaks as the listener sits back down.

Yandere
If we come into contact with humans, we take a lot of steps to avoid revealing who we really are. What we are. Most of us don’t risk getting close to anyone in case they figure it out. We can blend in, but the closer someone gets, the more they see us. Like you were starting to. And in moments of heightened emotion… well, you saw what happened.
(beat)
Why am I telling you now? Because you saw me. You may not have known what I was, but you saw enough. And if you told someone, and they told someone… before you know it someone hears who we don’t want to hear. And then, they’d come for you. They’d come for both of us.
(beat)
Remember I mentioned there are some powerful famous ones amongst us? Well, they like their lives. Exposing Vampires to the world could jeopardize that. And that is something that they won’t… believe me, you don’t want to piss them off.
(beat)
I’m sorry, it’s not that I didn’t trust you, but I couldn’t take that chance. As long as you knew about me, you’d be in danger. Anyone you told would be in danger. Anyone who you might have told. Leaving you free, knowing about me… I just couldn’t do it. It’s why I had to kidnap you. I didn’t really have a lot of time to think.
(emotionally, like Yandere is holding back tears)
And now we’re done, aren’t we? I can see it in the way you’re looking at me. Please believe me. I would never have done this to you. I had no choice. I really didn’t. I swear. Being with you has been the best time in my life. And I’ve lived forever. It’s a long time to be alone.
(beat)
Please say something.
(beat)
What happens now? Well, this is where it gets a bit, urm, complicated.
(beat)
I get it, you won’t tell anyone. And I believe you, I do. But it goes beyond that now. You know about us, and that knowledge is a curse. I know you, I know how conscientious you are. You’ll see Vampires in everything now. What if someone goes missing and you think a Vampire did it? What if you tell the wrong person? You’ll be dooming yourself, and you wouldn’t even know it.
(beat)
Yeah, I said I’ll let you go, and I will do. Well, that’s kind of up to you. You’ve seen that I have the power of compulsion. Vampires can use this to alter memories. It’s hard, and we avoid doing it unless we absolutely have to, but we can. If you want to leave, right now, then you can. But I would need to remove from your mind any memory of me. All the times we spent together would need to go.
(beat)
I could just try to remove what happened last night, yeah. But if I just disappear, you’ll look for me. Better you never met me. Better that I never existed for you.
(Yandere sniffs)
That is the price for your freedom, and for your safety. I will let you go, but you will go forever. We will never see each other again.
(beat)
The process won’t harm you! I have done it before. You would simply go to sleep, and wake up at home. You could get on with your life.
(beat)
Yes, I did mention you have a choice. The other option is that you don’t leave. You stay here with me.
(beat)
No, not as my prisoner. Haven’t I told you I don’t want to hurt you? I have no interest in holding you against your will. If you were to stay, it would be your own choice. But the only way to guarantee your safety would be, well, the thing is, I would need to… you would need to become like me. A Vampire.
(beat)
I’m afraid there isn’t another way. If you were to become a Vampire, you would be safe. Nobody would come after you. It would be in your best interests to not tell others about us. About what you were. But it’s more than that.
When I first entered into a relationship with you, I knew that if we were going to get serious, I would need to have this conversation eventually. I hoped we would be much further along than this, but there we go. It’s a lot to put on you, especially from someone you’ve not known that long.
If you were to become a Vampire, you could stay with me. Forever if you wanted. We could share eternity. Watch as this world grows and changes. There’s a lot of bad in it, but a lot of good as well. I could show it to you. We could see it together. For hundreds and hundreds of years.
There’s props to being a Vampire too. As I said, you have increased strength, and agility. You never get sick. Your body never changes, or ages. As long as you consume the blood you need, you don’t need any other form of sustenance. We don’t even need toilets! If nobody harms you, you can go on forever.
(beat)
Yes. I’m serious. I’m offering you the world, if you want to take it.
(Yandere’s voice quivers. This next bit is hard for them to say)
Of course, you wouldn’t have to stay with me forever. Once fully turned, if you wanted to, you could leave. Make your own way in the world. But this couldn’t happen straight away. Becoming a Vampire is an intense experience that I can’t even begin to describe to you. Everything is turned up like 1,000 percent. It’s a lot, and it can be very hard to get used to. If I were to change you, you would need to stay with me and learn how to control this power. And it could take a while. You would not be able to even think about returning to your old life for months, possibly years. If you went back too soon, you would run the risk of hurting those you loved.
(beat)
Yes. You would need to disappear. You would not be able to speak to your family, your friends, or anyone, for a long time.
(beat)
Yeah, I already said you can stay with me. I would help you, and bring you anything you needed. In time, there’s no reason why you could not reconnect with your old life. But you would have to be so careful. No matter how well you manage to integrate, or how well you hide who you really are, you would be a Vampire. Always.

The fire crackles in the grate as the listener takes all of this in.

Yandere
I know this is a lot, so I have one more thing I want to offer you. Stay with me, here in my home. Let me show you my world over the next few days. What it really means to be like me. You would not be allowed to leave here without me, and if you tried I would need to tie you up again, but if you promised me not to, then you can stay as long as you like. Or at least, until you make your final decision. Become a Vampire and accept a whole new life, or let me take your memories and return home. You can decide whenever you like, but just know that once you do, whenever that is, there is no going back.
(beat)
So. My love. What would you like to do?

And that's it! I leave the ending open really. Either it can end here, or I write more!
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and have a good day!!