First of all, thank you in advance for your input!
Here’s the quick help I need, I’d like to buy a pair of ski’s and the Level 9 sale ends tomorrow so I’d love your help. I have a pair of BC 85s in my cart and it’s an awesome deal, but first a bit about me and how I got here.
I’m a bigger guy (6’1” abt 225lbs, 47yo). Been skiing my whole life but I’m a 1-2x per weekends per year guy. Mostly skiing blue/blacks, groomed runs at Mammoth and some Big Bear (when I can’t avoid it!).
In January I rented a pair of BC 85’s and LOVED them, specifically, they carved like a dream, loved the flexibility and carved limited powder & packed really well.
I was pretty set on buying a pair of the BC’s, but I got the chance to get out at the beginning of April and decided I’d try another brand, so I rented a pair of Armada’s. They were really nice as well, super smooth and excellent control, but I found them just a bit more rigid than I liked and enjoyed the BCs a bit more.
Fast forward to today and I’m about to pull the trigger, but decided to do a bit of research and all I keep hearing is “BC 85’s are foam filled crap, get the 90s or don’t bother”. I want to be clear, I don’t give a damn what people think of me, way too old for that. But I do take experienced opinions seriously and I don’t want to throw my money away, rather make a good decision now than regret later on.
So I’d love to hear any opinions. Would the 90s behave like the 85s, just more durable/better quality? Or should I stick with what I enjoyed and not be too concerned with the build quality.
Sorry this is so long but want to provide as much info as possible. HUGE thanks for your thoughts!!
PS- bonus points for any recos on decent boots that won’t break the bank, thanks again!!

The current layout in a fully gutted kitchen below: https://imgur.com/nGIH4C7
Two tricky parts to note. One, the load bearing wall that we can't shorten. Plus the corner windows that create the "rounded" top left corner start about 24 inches off the floor so you can't just put a countertop across them without bricking up the window. We are getting new windows in the kitchen so not the end of the world, but this is a brick house so more $ to change window sizes. Will mention, the closet is the only one we have for the front (not pictured but right below dining room) and back entrance, so we want to avoid getting rid of it.
We would like a large island since we don't want to re-build another breakfast nook. My wife also wants a more walk in butlers pantry (+/- dry bar in between the kitchen and dining room). There is an exhaust fan in the laundry area, so I think storing things in there shouldn't be bad. My wife is ok with closing the passage between the kitchen and dinning, but I think it's a bad idea.
Here was our initial leading layout after much deliberation. It would extent the width of the laundry/pantry by 1.5 ft (7.5 width). We would brick up the left most window on the top wall. Although, I just realized we can just shorten the window so a cabinet goes under it, but it would be close to the stove though (not sure if good idea). Btw, it was my idea to put the sink by the window rather than island because I do the dishes most often and I don't like interrupting an island. Each block is 1x1ft btw if you want approximate measurements. https://imgur.com/OeI9dIc
We talked to our contractor and he felt that bricking up a window is a bad idea (we didn't ask about just resizing to be honest). He felt that we are planning too large of a pantry given our kitchen size. He is probably right, we are simple cooks and can't say it is our passion. He recommended something more simple and cheaper (we asked him to always give us those options). It keeps the pantry/laundry width the same at 6ft, but blocks off the entrance to dinning: https://imgur.com/o1CCDFd
He is probably right about the size. However, I really don't like closing up the extra entrance to dining from kitchen and my wife kind of likes our original layout. We came up with a mix of the two (although we made the closet smaller and decided to stack the washer and dryer). This saves the pass through, gives my wife that little wet/prep bar before the dining room, and the fridge is in a slightly better spot. However, we are confused about what to do with this empty ~6' 6" x 9' 9" to the left of the kitchen and above the back door. https://imgur.com/GL0BVv3
Love to get some feedback. Thoughts on pantry/laundry size. Thoughts on layout of the 3 options we came up with so far. Perhaps you can recommend something completely different?

Hello everyone! I wanted to write and share something constructive for this space, that hopefully goes beyond snarking specific names and personalities and helps those who have been harmed in one way or another find a bit of understanding around what happened to them and why.
I've shared pieces of my story here before but the gist is: I am not from the coaching world. I'm from the general spirituality world - from a spiritual modality that has an aspect of divine feminine and divine masculine that has always interested me, but few others in the community. I learned about this whole specific mess listening to love & light confessionals, and went deep into the rabbit hole. The perversion of understanding of masculine/feminine energy dynamics was horrifying but also enlightening. I'm big on learning how NOT to be from people who give me the major ick. This is why I've done a lot of deep diving in general on cults, gurus, and manipulative spirituality in general - and there's a lot to take away if you can go in with this mindset. I'm also hella autistic and love infiltrating niche internet subgroups whose experiences are much different than mine so I can - again - learn from the experieneces of others, and gain more empathy and understanding of the vast human experience.
I was a very forward facing person for the nonprofit I volunteered for for over 4 years. There was no "guru" that I supplicated, however there was a person formally in charge who abused their power and the willingness of others to help the organization, and was known to be cruel in private, when it suited them. I didn't see this person as above me - in fact in a lot of ways they were quite pitiful and needed a lot of help/support in their role - which is what I did, willingly and for practically free. At one point, the entire org sat down and did a call in of this person, however, they were able to push everyone that they couldn't control out of the way and rewrote the story with themselves as the victim (we all know this one). The final falling out happened at the end of 2019, so luckily for them Covid gave them some time to figure out how to run their events without me (they hired a paid staff).
Anyway, I gave many many hundreds of hours to this cause, and then the person in charge was able to take advantage of me and then push me out of the community I had served very seriously for 6 years with rumors that I had been trying to steal money. This is so far beyond the truth, and everyone involved directly knows this, but no one came to dispell the rumor. So, I've been heartbroken by supposedly "spiritual" leaders of a community, that's for sure. In fact listening to Katya was part of the cult deprogramming that me and a group who had left together went through (this group also used, abused, and betrayed me but that's another story!)
So, this isn't going to be about me, I just wanted to share my background. This is about what the divine feminine and the divine masculine "REALLY" are. This may get a bit woo in here but I can't imagine anyone here is afraid of woo. In fact it's the mystery of the spiritual experience that allows these people to cause so much harm. So let me try to remove some of that mystery.
The creation is polarized, in many ways. One of those ways is masculine/feminine. The masculine force is the will, the conscious mind, and that which puts the infinity of possible experience into order. It in and of itself is quite fallible. The feminine force is the subconscious mind - all that is - and the untapped potential of this reservoir. The masculine reaches for the feminine, and if the will (masculine) is properly configured, the unmanifest creation (feminine) will give him something in return. The masculine NEEDS the feminine but the feminine doesn't really NEED the masculine, however it does desire the masculine's attention being focused it its direction (instead of random mundane wordly experiences). And the feminine wants the masculine's attention consistently, lest the feminine will not be consistent at all in its response. This attention can be forceful or gentle, but it must be consistent.
Every human has a balance of masculine/feminine energy in them, and while women are socially conditioned to tend towards feminine expression and men towards masculine, biological sex really has very very little to do with it. There are of course, positive feminine expressions and negative, and positive male expressions and negative. What these polarity goons do is mostly focus on a mix of positive/negative masculine expression for the man, 0 female expression, and then only positive feminine expression for the woman with maybe, possibly, a bit of positive masculine expression (only during working hours when you're in seperate offices, and only if you're paying the bills, ofc)
Typically, we are attracted to partners who "balance" out our spiritual energy - so the "polarization" in a relationship can be anywhere from hyper masc/hyper femme to barely masc/barely femme - and again, this is NOT a hard and fast rule and has almost NOTHING to do with sex other than a general (mostly cultural) bias. The hyper femme/hyper masc scenario can definitely be more, well, exciting and dramatic than a relationship between two people who have very little polarized charge in that way between them. But that's likely why few of these polarity gurus have any experience in longevity of relationships - they are fueling their "twin flame" relationship with manufactured drama and trauma bonding. In reality, in a relationship, you are supposed to grow together and be more willing to meet each other where you are at in the moment, instead of demanding they be a near perfect idealized form before you offer them any attention/respect.
The reason these male teachers push polarity doctrine is literally because of their own wounding of the expression of the masculine/feminine. Men (especially USian men) have been taught that expressing any aspect of their feminine selves is repulsive and weak and probably gay. So, their solution to their own inability to be vulnerable is to attack women - for being "too masculine" - aka some balanced expression of both, normal! They want their women to be 100% pure unformed childlike energy with no will of their own, just a will that can be given to the man. They want them to embody this feminine space as close to 100% of the time so that they are forced into their masculine 100% of the time. Girlies, if you are in your masculine, this makes them feel more in their feminine and - gosh that's just icky and disgusting. You don't want your man to get a boner for you when you're in the masculine - that might make him GAY! In the very least it's totally beta to be attracted to a masculine woman and basically gay anyway. No thanks!
I'm sorry to be facetious, but this is in general a lot of the subconscious and even sometimes conscious thought processes behind these hyper polarity relationships. These are not evolved, embodied people. These are people who are still very invested in the old fashioned human status quo that has served them for a long time. We had the thread a few weeks back with the Desire on Fire lady (ugh her name escapes me) talking about how her husband had to "put her in her place" for being "too masculine" and how he really just "didnt want her" when she was in her masculine, when she was literally just running her business. Masculine wounding almost ALWAYS shows up as men being jealous of women being better at them in their own field - or really successful publicly at all - and this is why women STILL have a hard time breaking into male dominated spaces. We are systemically kept out because men die inside when they feel inferior to women. They were told this wasn't supposed to happen!!!! In fact, the person who spiritually abused me was a man - I see now how he "kept" me as a pet because of my high standing in the community. But this meant I was still firmly below him in certain ways - a much more comfortable place for me to be, someone who challenged him on his "expertise".
This polarity movement is taking a true spiritual concept and distorting it just to set women back. They don't want you to have an opinion or agency - other than "me want money" and "me want sex". They want you to play on Instagram all day and recruit ladies for them to sexually assault at your joint "retreats". They want you to only feel valued if you're made up and dressed up and "desired" by men. None of this internalized self worth stuff, only external male validation is allowed. Ladies, if any of you reading this are with some sort of this type of man, please, I beg you, choose the bear. This is the type of man who leaves you as soon as your body culminates too many signs of being aged. They are entitlted to a specific cartoon image of what they think a "woman" is, and sadly this culture has made young women INCREDIBLY easy to manipulate, so finding another partner is often quite easy for older men. It's all by design.
Here's another spiritual truth that is often obscured: One of the polarities of divinity is the left hand path and the right hand path. The left hand path is the path of control, wealth, using others, egocentrism, etc. The right hand path is about acceptance, generosity, helping others, and sacrifice. The middle path is a path with little to no power - it's the path of comfort, the path most people are on.
When one walks the middle path - i.e. has not really begun to truly develop their spiritual side - they do not yet have spiritual discernment. What happens when they come across someone who has been using spiritual principles to "build their wealth/power" is that they see someone with a spiritual light - and this isn't super common on social media. When we're hungry for it, we're like a moth to the flame. That's why they always know they'll be another mark. The problem then is when we don't have discernment, we cannot tell which "hand" the light is coming from, and often it's very easy to confuse the left hand for the right and vice versa. For instance, I am giving up a large part of my day to write this purely to help others in this community - Carly or MAL or someone might stumble upon this and see it as "evil". But that's because they see the light, but to them it's against their light, so I'm the evil one. But all I'm trying to offer is freedom of mind, and they're mad because they want your bag, and this is dependent on you being confused and them keeping a crumb of clarity behind a paywall. 💰
Now, some of these girlies are walking the "left hand path" a lot better than the others. I dont know many coaches beyond those talked about here, but I would say someone like MAL has a pretty firm grasp on who she is - a scam artist, a liar, and a user. She's always making up stories and whatnot - she's a pathological liar. She will do anything to get her way. This is pretty serious when you've been behaving this way for years and years. Her image is very rigid and polished, and despite showing up unprepared and offering word salad to her paying persons, her "outer circle" (social media feed etc) is much more curated than most of the other coaches I've seen. She's at the top of the pyramid so she has a huge amount of control and influence. If she cracks someday, we'll see it, and usually people struggle to return to the top once they falter. I'm sure she's already showing some signs of paranoia, which is the first sign a high control person is starting to become unhinged.
Then there are the messier girlies, like Carly, and Karen who has recently been more thoroughly exposed here. These ladies show up very vulnerable to social media, and often are struggling with illness - as someone has said here before, Carly's early coaching gigs were about health and dealing with chronic illness, until she realized that space wasn't sexy or profitable. I'm not saying this is the root of all illness, but transient illness can be a sign of a spiritual mismatch in intentions/action - especially with these people who claim to be "healers" or adjacent to that space. You have to walk your talk, or your body begins to show your hypocrisy. There is a part of these ladies who feel they are truly "helping the planet" and get confused internally when the reaction of their "offers" isn't for people to fall down at their feet worshipping them. This is why they say stuff like "wealth is a mindset!" and other magical thinking - most of them have lived privileged lives and have never been "out" of abundance. They think their "luck" is a carefully curated vibration that they can rub off on others. And like, while I believe that being in the vibrations of someone who is more spiritually mature can help "elevate" someone - these people are playing with spiritual practices and, while seeing some results, truly have no clue what they are talking about and dealing with. People who truly understand manifestation, whether left or right hand, are not busting their ass all day on Instagram trying to recruit lukewarm clients for peanuts. Carly tries SO HARD to sell that all of her work is "easy" and she can "take a walk in the middle of the day!" and not work while she's bleeding and whatnot. But girl, you're hustling and thirsty all over Insta all day every day - this is not abundance, this is not wealth and gratitude, it's giving "big empty black hole in my soul that will never be filled except with more money" energy, babe.
Then there are the girlies like xogingy and The Content Queen whose whole brand seems to be just being a mess all over the place. This sells because it makes people think "well I'm messy maybe I can be messy and rich/successful" but the mess for these girls is much more embraced and embodied than with the prim types like Carly and Karen, who want to be pure luxe and sexy and divine feminine perfection. But the luxe and sexy types are really doing the recruiting for their sexual in-person retreats (or clothing optional zooms) because they're just mega horny all the time (which - btw - is another sign of spiritual imbalance)
And that's the thing - being horny all of the time means your energy body is JACKED. It's not a sign of a free flow of creative energy to crave sex all of the time. Of course a major aspect of this is the sexual magic - yes, there is magic in sex, and I think it's where these folks get most of their magic, because they follow left hand sexual magic practice exclusively (control BDSM). They do play rapes (and borderline real rapes and, in some cases, actual real rapes on their clients/partners), orgasm denial, humiliation, pain rituals - all stuff that truly, objectively, isn't good for the soul. And notice how it's almost always one sided - the male being in total control of the female - though, Carly's substack did have a story about how they did a "role reversal" where she raped/humiliated him and that was um, something I read. 😳 But generally it's the women's job to always be turned on and "dripping wet" and whatnot, so that when her masculine partner gets a boner she's ready for him to slide it in. And then that's always the best sex, the sex that you "surrender" to.... On the contrary, sex between "right hand" practitioners tends to leave both partners feeling quite satisfied and sated - heck, even if only one happens to orgasm! Whereas control oriented sex often has orgasm denial which intentionally leaves the person craving more.
All this is to say, no one should feel guilty for being duped, or conned, or confused, even still. Almost all of these people have weaponized spiritual concepts in some ways and are wielding them with the intention to separate you from your money. They actually do have something that works. But they will NEVER sell you the whole story. And the fact is, this experience likely did happen to you because your soul was aching for some sort of uplevel - or initiation. It's just that initiation rarely looks like getting what we want. MAL et al makes it look like initiation is giving a rich lady 5 figures, popping a bottle of champagne, and roleplaying as that rich lady to which you just gave all that money (or at least, roleplaying as her social media feed). But if you're truly in it for the soul, your experience is going to help you uncover your soul. And part of uncovering our souls at this point in time seems to be having some serious spiritual trauma. And I know some people here probably only did this as "playing around" and not serious and unfortunately, playing with spirituality can be can be dangerous in and of itself. These is not to victim blame at all. It just is the nature of the spiritual path that it may growl and bite at you to test your growth. It's not just a sexy pleasure party 24/7, unless you want to step on a LOT of people to get there.
Anyway, this is very long and I'm not sure it's going to even fit into a reddit post at this point. But I just wanted to share some of the spiritual insights I've had over the years (been on my spiritual journey for over a decade at this point). I don't know it all, but I do know that I live with a general peace of mind that I wish I could sell in a coaching package or voxer group. But I can't/won't do that. So I'll keep to my lifelong duty of making longwinded, mega autistic posts on internet forums that might help a few people orient to a less painful or confused frame of mind, free of charge.
But on that note, before I finish, I'll offer my general spiritual advice: Firstly, take a short time every day to do some sort of sitting/meditation. Learning how to quiet the mind is a skill, and it's the first skill required to learn discernment. Once we can quiet the mind, we can start to learn which thoughts are our own and which thoughts we have absorbed from others - and if you haven't begun this process yet, you may be surprised to find out that the vast majority of your thoughts are actually just society, family, teachers, social media, advertising, etc etc, repeating in your mind and taking up valuable real estate. This is the real hurdle to "manifestation" - clearing away all the false desires that get in the way of our true desires. Subsequently, learning about chakras and tuning into my energy body has also given me a good base for insight and clarity that comes from within my own body.
Secondly, just try to think of others before yourself more often than not. Don't justify manipulating people for your own benefit. Oneness means you treat others how you want to be treated - in a gentle, and nurturing way. When we harm others, especially from a spiritual place, we perpetuate harm, and therefore accept that potential harmful treatment of ourselves. Treating others sincerely with reverence and respect, and setting boundaries so that we don't allow people to treat us with disrespect, is how we generate a reality that treats us with reverence and respect by default. A lot easier said than done, but it is possible.
Love and light to you all.

The current layout in a fully gutted kitchen below: https://imgur.com/nGIH4C7
Two tricky parts to note. One, the load bearing wall that we can't shorten. Plus the corner windows that create the "rounded" top left corner start about 24 inches off the floor so you can't just put a countertop across them without bricking up the window. We are getting new windows in the kitchen so not the end of the world, but this is a brick house so more $ to change window sizes. Will mention, the closet is the only one we have for the front (not pictured but right below dining room) and back entrance, so we want to avoid getting rid of it.
We would like a large island since we don't want to re-build another breakfast nook. My wife also wants a more walk in butlers pantry (+/- dry bar in between the kitchen and dining room). There is an exhaust fan in the laundry area, so I think storing things in there shouldn't be bad. My wife is ok with closing the passage between the kitchen and dinning, but I think it's a bad idea.
Here was our initial leading layout after much deliberation. It would extent the width of the laundry/pantry by 1.5 ft (7.5 width). We would brick up the left most window on the top wall. Although, I just realized we can just shorten the window so a cabinet goes under it, but it would be close to the stove though (not sure if good idea). Btw, it was my idea to put the sink by the window rather than island because I do the dishes most often and I don't like interrupting an island. Each block is 1x1ft btw if you want approximate measurements. https://imgur.com/OeI9dIc
We talked to our contractor and he felt that bricking up a window is a bad idea (we didn't ask about just resizing to be honest). He felt that we are planning too large of a pantry given our kitchen size. He is probably right, we are simple cooks and can't say it is our passion. He recommended something more simple and cheaper (we asked him to always give us those options). It keeps the pantry/laundry width the same at 6ft, but blocks off the entrance to dinning: https://imgur.com/o1CCDFd
He is probably right about the size. However, I really don't like closing up the extra entrance to dining from kitchen and my wife kind of likes our original layout. We came up with a mix of the two (although we made the closet smaller and decided to stack the washer and dryer). This saves the pass through, gives my wife that little wet/prep bar before the dining room, and the fridge is in a slightly better spot. However, we are confused about what to do with this empty ~6' 6" x 9' 9" to the left of the kitchen and above the back door. https://imgur.com/GL0BVv3
Love to get some feedback. Thoughts on pantry/laundry size. Thoughts on layout of the 3 options we came up with so far. Perhaps you can recommend something completely different?

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• Sinister, HD iTunes $2
• Super 8, HD vudu $3
• Tremors 5: Bloodlines, HD MA (ports to MA) $2.50
• Walking With Dinosaurs: The Movie, HD MA (ports to MA) $3

$0.75 to $1.25 HD MA, vudu, or iTunes Movie Codes (Total must be at least $1)

• The Expendables 2, HD vudu $0.75
• Florence Foster Jenkins, HD iTunes $0.75
• The Hunger Games, HD vudu $0.75
• Indivisible, HD MA (Canada only) $0.75
• Paranormal Activity 3, HD iTunes $1.25
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, HD vudu $0.75
• Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection, HD vudu $1.25

$0.50 to $1.00 SD Movie Codes (Total must be at least $1)

• Hugo, SD vudu $0.50
• Rio, SD iTunes (ports to MA) $1
• The Vow, SD MA (ports to MA) $0.50

Venmo and CashApp Accepted

I have a wishlist at the bottom of this list to help guide offers. I am willing to bundle for a wishlist item depending on the trade. Let me know if you have any questions about my abbreviations. Thanks for looking at my post!

Weapons for Trade:

Anti Armor AA E 15fr BPP
AA 50c 15fr AGL
AA 50vhit 90 broadsider
AA FSS 25LVC chainsaw
AA 50c 25LVC broadsider
AA FFR 15fr minigun
AA FSS 25LVC mr handy buzz blade
AA E 15fr pipe revolver
AA 50LD 15fr epr
AA E 15v handmade
AA FFR 15v handmade
AA FFR 25LVC gat laser
AA 50c 50dur plasma rifle
AA FFR 15v epr
AA FFR 25LVC missile launcher
AA FSS 25LVC gulper smacker
AA E ghost fixer
Aristocrat
Ari E 25LVC 50 cal
Ari FFR 15fr 10mm pistol
Ari FFR 15fr cryolator
Ari FSS +S sledgehammer
Ari 50c 25LVC epr
Ari 50c 25LVC elders mark
Assassin
A 50c 25LVC 50cal
A FFR 15fr LMG
A E 90 minigun
A FFR 15fr railway
A FFR 25LVC cryolator
A FFR 25LVC pump action shotgun
A 50c 25 LVC 10mm submachine gun
A FFR 15fr gat gun
A E 90 gat gun
A FFR 15fr fixer
Bloodied
B FSS 25LVC meat hook
B FSS 25LVC bowie knife
B 50c 25LVC drill
B 50vhit 25LVC railway
B 50c 25LVC pipe bolt action rifle
Executioners
Exec E 25LVC 50 cal
Exec FSS +S bone hammer
Exec FSS 25LVC bowie knife
Exec FSS DTWPA chainsaw
Exec FSS 25LVC chainsaw
Exec E 15fr minigun
Exec E 25LVC LMG
Exec E 15v handmade
Exec FSS +S bear arm
Exec 50c 25LVC plasma rifle
Exec FFR 90 gat laser
Furious
F FFR 15fr gat plasma
F FFR 25LVC gauss rifle
F FFR 15fr ultra laser rifle
Ghoul Slayer
GS FSS 25LVC boxing glove
GS FSS +S sheepsquatch staff
GS FSS +S chainsaw
GS FFR 25LVC handmade
GS FSS 25LVC machete
GS E 15fr handmade
Gourmands
G E 90 50 cal
G 50c 25LVC chainsaw
G FSS +S chainsaw
G FSS 25LVC chainsaw
G E 15fr minigun
G E 25LVC hunting rifle
G E 25LVC minigun
G 50c 25LVC railway rifle
G PA DTWPA ripper
G E 25LVC submachine gun
G FFR 25LVC ultra laser pistol
Instigating
I E 15fr 10mm pistol
I FFR 25LVC alien blaster
I FFR 25LVC pump action shotgun
I FSS +S sledgehammer
I FSS 25LVC MMG
I E 90 gat gun
I E 15fr railway
I FSS +S radstag hunting knife
Junkies
J FFR 15fr gat laser
J FSS 25LVC guitar sword
J FFR 25LVC railway
J FFR 25LVC combat rifle
J FFR 25LVC western revolver
J FFR 15fr combat shotgun
Mutant Slayers
MS E 15fr BPP
MS FSS +S grognak axe
MS E 15fr LMG
MS FSS 25LVC power fist
MS E 90 gat gun
MS E 25LVC submachine gun
Mutants
M FFR 90 50 cal
M FFR 25LVC laser rifle
M FSS DTWPA chainsaw
M FFR 25LVC pump action shotgun
M FFR 15fr minigun
M FSS +S multi purpose axe
M E 15fr pipe revolver
M E 25LVC western revolver
M 50c 25LVC tesla rifle
Quad
Q E 15v 50 cal
Q 50vhit 25LVC broadsider
Q 50c 90 cryolator
Q FFR FMSWA minigun
Q FFR ghost pepper shaker
Q 50c 15fr radium rifle
Q FFR ghost handmade
Q FFR 15fr handmade
Q E ghost fixer
Two shot
TS E 50dur fixer
TS FFR 15fr fixer
TS 50vhit 15fr fixer
TS 50vhit 25LVC fixer
TS E 90 BPR
TS 50c 25LVC broadsider
TS FFR 25LVC combat shotgun
TS FFR 15fr harpoon gun
TS FFR 25LVC harpoon gun
TS FFR 15fr minigun
TS FFR 90 LMG
TS FFR 50dur flamer
TS FFR ghost minigun
TS FFR 25LVC double barrel shotgun
TS 50c 50dur enclave plasma rifle
TS E 25LVC handmade
Vampires
V FFR 15v fixer
V 50c 25LVC bow
V FSS +S grognak axe
V E 25LVC combat rifle
V FSS +S sledgehammer
V E 25LVC handmade
V 50c 25LVC handmade
V FSS 25LVC meat hook
V FFR 25LVC assault rifle
V FFR 15v enclave plasma pistol
Zealots
Z 50c 25LVC 10mm pistol
Z E 15fr BPP
Z PA 50dur chainsaw
Z FFR 15fr LMG
Z FFR 25LVC pipe pistol
Z E 15fr handmade
Z FFR 25LVC flamer
Z E 15fr gat gun
Z E 25LVC hunting rifle
Z E 25LVC lever action rifle

Wishlist:

Assassin/AP/HTD/WWR armor (combat, metal, or wood armor preferred)
W/AP/HTD/WWR armor (combat, marine, FSA, or USA preferred)
419 range the dragons
AA FFR 25LVC/15v alien disintegrator or similar
Assassin FSS +S powerfist/ogua gauntlet/boxing glove
AA FSS +S ogua gauntlet
Glowing fasnacht masks
Leader bobbles
Guns and bullets 3
Guns and bullets 9
Live and love 8
Aligned auto enclave mod
Davids Trophy
Bulk amounts of junk

I 22(M) and my girlfriend (24F)different country have been together for 4 years long distance my we haven’t always seen eye to eye on issues like religion or parenting style but we just decided to go with the flow for now since none of us is financially ready for kids or a family. My best friend 20(F) from the same country(also long distance)have been getting closer of late we see eye to eye(same culture) on a lot of things and I would I say she is more bubbly than my girlfriend like she always fun to talk to on the phone vs my girl friend where we might have awkward moments of silence. But in person it’s much better than over the phone. Sometimes when we fight I think about dating my best friend but one of the pros and cons of my best friend she is kinda clingy ( i guess it’s kinda nice to feel needed but at the same time me just talking to any other girl or even guys at times makes her mad yet we aren’t even in a relationship yet so that’s the only red flag I see but she gets over it quickly but it’s still kinda annoying ) should I stick with my girl or try things out with my best friend. ( I don’t know what to pick crazy love I could and friendship I could get from a potential relationship with my best friend or the peace and calm that I have now but with out the intensity)And the thought of my dating my best friend didn’t come until she broke up with her guy and we got closer.
TL;DR - in a relationship I don’t feel like my girl friend isn’t as affectionate / as my best friend so I am thinking about dating my best friend but she can be clingy and I am not sure I am ready to bear that.

I'm titling this as stated because I've been dabbling with making my own mayo. It's incredibly easy, canola oil and eggs are considerably cheaper than mayonnaise, and you can make small batches in about 2 minutes with an electric mixer. You'll dirty one whisk attachment, and one cup for pouring oil. Much less cleanup than using a food processor.
You just have to add your vinegar and salt early. About a tablespoon and 1/4 tsp respectively. You should also add your spices like onion and garlic powder early.
One egg yolk, and 1/2 a cup of Canola oil.
Driizzle the oil in slowly while the whisk is bearing the egg yolk. Standard mayo emerges.
But..here's the thing. You don't have to make mayo. Salt, onion powder, and two eggs. Crack pepper.
Drizzle in 1 tablespoon of avocado oil while beating with the electric mixer. Make an omelet with it.
Omg. I would serve it to Gordon Ramsey. Lovely.
It's so good. The principle of mayo, making an unbroken sauce, allows you to adulterate the eggs with more amazing fat.
And what's the result? A crispy, creamy, decadent omelet. I can't until I'm hungry again and I can make another.

Hi everyone, I’m at my wit’s end with this fragrance. I’ve let it macerate for 3 months in hopes that it might eventually start to smell like the tester bottle I smelled in store (that led to me buying it) but it doesn’t. I’m very disappointed with my bottle. It smells like peach rings and gummy bears and I have no idea what kind of notes would pair well with that. I’m a 32 yo F and for $100, this Eden flanker is the most one dimensional insipid fragrance I’ve ever smelled, so I want to make it smell more dimensional, more elevated and refined, and more womanly and less girly, so to speak. Sorry, don’t mean to offend anyone who loves it. I know it’ll be part of a beautiful combo, I just have to find it lol.
Any ideas on what could be paired with it?

How can I evade you when our paths intersect? Should I feign indifference, as if we were mere strangers? Can I ignore the fact that you once knew the secrets of my body intimately? How do I quell the yearning in my heart for just a fleeting glance, a moment where our eyes might meet?
How do I navigate our encounters without feeling the weight of my lingering affections? How do I shield my heart from imagining there is longing in your gaze? Perhaps closing my eyes would dull the sting of your indifference. But forgive me if I choose to step back for now, to spare myself the ache of seeing you move on while I'm still so deeply caught in our memories.
Every time I close my eyes, you're there, vivid as ever. Your laughter, your touch, the way you feel, the way you taste —it's etched into every corner of my being. But I know I need to set myself free. Just as you have. Please, show me how to release myself from the hold you have on my heart. Why does it have to hurt this much?
I’m sorry if I turn away when our paths converge. I’m not avoiding you, I’m trying to shield us both from the words I can't bear to speak. I fear I might say something I shouldn’t, something you shouldn’t hear. I'm sorry I still love you, even as I know you've moved on and you are with someone new. Allow me to love you from afar. Forget me. Forgive me.

The strategy here is to use the GB and WT words against them and also use the Bible as an authority. You’ll force them to say they don’t believe the GB or the Bible if they try to criticize you.
“Do you believe the GB is the faithful slave?” They don’t know who the faithful slave is and neither do you. It’s been identified as 5 different people or groups over the years. CT Russel was first, JFK Rutherford and the corporate members next, the 144,000, the part of the 144,000 that is teaching the other part, then just the GB. Will it change again in a minute? If it was clear, there wouldn’t be a need to change it.
I’m not apostate for believing whats true and believing the Bible. If I was to say what’s in the WT now 10 years ago, I’d be apostate. If in 10 years form now I said what’s in the WT now, I’d be apostate. I’ll just stick with what the Bible says and not get too fancy.
I believe jeffrey winder when he says the GB are not inspired and make mistakes. Also when the Bible says each one should carry his own load. I’m not inspired either. But I’m the one who has to bear the consequences for my decisions.
“Do you report service time?” I talk about the Bible as much now as I ever did. [i criticize it as being stupid but I’m not saying that.] I’ll report time when the Bible says to.
Several WT article and videos say you are to blame if you suffer the consequences of believing the WT and later it was revealed Jehovah never cared about that. It says that people who believed what they heard at the conventions and COs about 1975 are you own fault for fixating on dates. It says brothers who spent 12 years in prison over civilian service in Greece should be grateful they spent time in jail after new light said it wasn’t necessary. [See my post history] I’m just taking responsibility for my own actions. Would hate to make a decision based on new light, then suffer consequences, then be told it was my own fault when the new light was changed again. Lots of people died from refusing organ transplants and lots of brothers went to prison when they didn’t need to.
I trust Bible words over Bible principles. Bible words don’t change. Bible principles say beards are bad and also says they’re good. It’s too confusing. I’ll just stick with with the Bible says. Hard to know for sure what music or dancing or medicine God hates. He probably doesn’t hate a lot of stuff we’re told he does.
If the Bible says I can’t do it, I’ll obey, if it doesn’t say that, I’ll assume it’s probably fine.
David Splane said we shouldn’t be applying anything in an antitypical manner unless the Bible specifically says to do that. The 2560 days was used to show the end of the world a lot of times. Not sure why it’s even being applied in an antitypical way.
I don’t think anyone knows who the king of the north is. It is “evidently” one country and then later it is “evidently” another country. Just hard to know.
The WT says there are people who pretend to be anointed. I have no idea and neither do you if anyone is or not.
The generation is 110 years old now. I guess I can just live my life and Jehovah sort out the end of the world.
David Splane said to check the facts regarding negative stories so I did. I watched Geoffrey Jackson testify and read the transcripts f the court cases. The states website isn’t apostate and the court transcripts aren’t taken out of context.
What did you find?
Geoffrey Jackson said JWs weren’t god’s spokesperson right in in court, which was surprising. I’d think he would use that opportunity to give a bold witness. The WT lawyer in Canada said family relations continue normally when someone is Daft and they don’t shun. Brother elder in noweigh said JWs don’t DF minors and that JWs don’t shun. The next days they showed a video instructing the congregations how to shun and how thorough it should be. I don’t think the lawyers care about stopping the preaching. They just don’t want kids being shunned. It wasn’t a good look seeing away lawyers say we don’t shun at all and then seeing a video by the organization showing that shunning needs to be absolute.
Show me in the Bible where it says it’s wrong.
If the new light is loving and scriptural, what was the old light?
I obey God as ruler rather than men.
It seems like a conflict of interest to say after all our research and prayer we humbly conclude we are the faithful slave and you need to do everything we say even if we make mistakes.
The current two tiered DF arrangement is the same as it was in 1974. It was changed in 1980 when ray Franz wrote his book and is not back to 1974 level after the court loss in Norway. Jehovah is very sensitive to current events it seems.
People who are DFd aren’t suffering the consequences of their own actions. Mark Sanderson said the Bible never said people should be shunned over immorality or for any other reason other than being the Antichrist and dying Jesus never came in the flesh. Means those people suffered a lot more than the Bible wanted them to. It wasn’t their choice. I believe mark Sanderson on this. Lots people committed suicide when they were treated like the Antichrist.
The Bible only says to DF for denying Jesus came in the flesh. Like atheist maybe. You can be DF’d for 33 things. You think a guy who smokes deserves to never speak to his grandchildren ever again? What didnt Jehovah just say that? You think a married people should be treated like the Antichrist because they do oral sex? They’re married. What difference does it make what they do naked? Show me that in the Bible.
The Bible doesn’t say to talk to the elders. It doesnt talk about judicial committees. A pdf says that. Not the Bible.
I obey God as ruler rather than men. I’m loyal to God.
“1914 doesn’t matter. We never preach about that” 1914 is linked to 1919. If 1914 doesn’t matter, what happened in 1919? [This is when John measured the temple and said Rutherfords hostile take over of a lucrative printing company was when Jesus picked the one true religion.]
The last days started in 1799 and 1874 and 1914. I can’t keep up. I’m going to college and I’ll let Jehovah sort the rest out.
“This is the only religion that checks all the boxes WT has made for itself.” This religion checks those boxes too.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iglesia_ni_Cristo
Established in 1914, the leadership is anointed, they preach, international, no trinity, no hellfire, no Christmas, no birthdays, full water immersion after studying, no infant baptism, and they disfellowship.

In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong with The Caeles Academy of Acting.
Maybe the fact that it doesn't exist to the outside world.
This place prided itself on famous alumni it didn't actually name, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to work with the best in the business.
It's what I wanted.
More than anything.
After enduring four years of high school with barely a semblance of a drama club (we met every month, and our teacher was an alcoholic), and countless failed auditions, I was ready to take my acting career seriously. I had one year.
According to my parents, I had one year to make a living from my passion.
If it didn't work out, I would be on the first plane back to Connecticut.
It's not like they didn't trust me. I think they were just scared I wouldn't be able to financially support myself. So, I got a job right out of high school and slipped a year. Drama schools are expensive, and college’s are cut-throat on who they take on. I found Caeles Academy by accident–or, I guess it found me?
After researching cheap drama classes, auditions, academy’s, literally anything to progress my career, an ad popped up.
Not exactly flashy.
Just a date, a time, and a promise that they only take the best. I ignored it, but throughout the week, I started getting more ads. Just the words, “IMPRESS US - - JOIN CAELES ACADEMY NOW.”
Followed by, “BE WITH THE BEST, AND BE THE BEST. JOIN THE S CLASS NOW.”
When I googled the academy, nothing came up.
I gave up, clicking on the ad, which sent me straight to an application form.
I filled in my details as more of a joke. But I wasn't expecting to get an email back. Again, it was a time, a date, and that exact same tagline: “Impress us.”
However, Caeles Academy was different from what I imagined.
I was expecting a university building, or at least some modern structure.
Judging from their marketing and ads, I figured they could at least afford decent premises. Though I was mistaken. When I stepped out of the Uber, I found myself staring at what looked like an abandoned office tower, a red-brick monolith in the middle of nowhere.
Which was crazy, because I swore a girl wearing a bikini had strode through the doors, with nothing but her phone, and a coffee tucked under her elbow.
According to the text sent from the academy, the auditioning rooms were on the third floor.
Tipping my head back, the checkerboard of broken windows didn't exactly instil confidence.
Neither did the clunky set of automatic doors that took a while to open.
It was a summer's day, and the heat was already baking through my dress, sweat sticky on the back of my neck.
I wanted to make a good impression, but the heels were a little over the top.
Though I had also seen a girl casually walk in wearing a two piece bikini.
“Well?”
Freddie’s voice made me jump. I forgot I was on the phone to him. I was excited the whole car-ride, already high on five coffees, and now I was silent.
If I perceived the ‘academy’ from an objective standpoint, it definitely looked like the perfect place to be brutally murdered. But my own personal opinion was it was.. okay.
“What's it like?”
I pretended not to see a rat scuttling under an old candy wrapper.
“It's… fine.”
“Just fine?”
I could hear the smirk in my friend’s tone. He couldn't wait to tell me it was a scam, and had been reminding me all week I was essentially willingly selling myself to the black market. I was stubborn, so, fine sounded better than my initial first impression.
Which was to turn around, walk away, and completely block the place from my memory.
Unfortunately, at that moment, I valued my pride over my awareness.
“It's… okay.” I said, trying to find positives. I was staring at a looming grey building with shattered windows and a resident rat living near the door. I had a hard time figuring out how the girl from earlier had just casually strode inside, barefoot too. I glanced down at the ground, immediately regretting it.
Like there weren't bits of chewing gum and grime stuck to the concrete.
“Huh.” Freddie said, his tone creeping into teasing territory. “You're really selling it.”
“It just looks like a building,” I muttered, my gaze glued to the rat, who looked a little too comfortable.
Maybe it was a pet.
I was getting progressively more infuriated the more I stared down this place. Judging from the decades old writing ingrained into the door, it used to be a dentist surgery. “What do you want me to say?” I wasn't even trying to hide the scorn from my voice. “It's a building that looks like an academy.”
“Can you send a picture?” Freddie asked, “Ooh, wait, I'll face-time you.”
“That's, uh, that’s not really necessary–”
I was cut off, suddenly, when a guy threw himself through the automatic doors, palms first. He took two stumbled steps forwards, one back, and lifted his head, half lidded eyes finding the sky, before dropping to his knees and heaving up pinkish liquid.
I could see him trying to hold it in, slamming his hands over his mouth, only for it to splurge through his fingers, showering the ground in greyish pink froth.
Like he'd downed a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Inching towards him, I realized it was Pepto Bismol.
The stink made my own stomach churn.
“Missy?”
I found my voice. “Uh, can I call you back later?”
Before my friend could answer, I ended the call, slipping my phone in my pocket.
The guy was still heaving, coughing up globules of pink.
“Are you okay?”
The sound of my heels click-clacking on concrete made me cringe. The guy noticed, flinching away. Closer, and I could see his scraggly blonde hair.
He was handsome.
Without the bile spewing down his chin.
Early twenties, wearing a fitted white shirt now covered in streaks of bright pink. Part of me wanted to make a half-hearted joke, but getting even closer, so close I could smell his pepto-breath, I noticed he was trembling, his hands clenched into fists.
When I attempted to awkwardly pat him on the shoulder, he twisted around, so fast my morning coffee slithered its way back up my throat.
His eyes were wide, almost feral, studying me like a wild animal.
I noticed the whites of his pupils were red, like he'd burst a blood vessel.
Theatre kids were intense, though I had never met THIS kind of intense.
“Are you… going in there?” The guy’s voice was a child-like whimper I wasn't expecting.
It looked like he was slowly regaining clarity, staring down at his filthy shirt, his hands stained bright pink.
I nodded, uncertainly, offering him my water. “Yeah. Did you audition?”
He shoved it away, slapping himself in the face. “I… I don't know.”
“You… don’t know?”
Suddenly, it was like something had contorted in his expression, a switch being pulled. I wasn't expecting him to twist around so fast. The guy slowly cocked his head, his lips breaking into a grin. His eyes, however, stayed the same.
“Of course I've auditioned.” He said, with a laugh.
“It was the best experience of my life!" His mouth formed an almost mocking frown.
“Unfortunately, I didn't make the cut. Which is a real shame. I'm sure Caeles would have benefited from my talents.”
What was weird, is that his mouth was moving, but he wasn't even looking at me, frenzied eyes caught in an oblivion I couldn't see.
When he did look at me, his expression crumpled all over again.
Pepto jumped to his feet, brushing himself down.
I couldn't take his over the top smile seriously, when his eyes were screaming, hollowed out caverns silently begging me to listen.
This guy was fucking crazy.
“Wait.” Pepto whispered, when I turned to walk away.
He pulled out his phone, tapping the screen before shoving it in my face.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN AT THE CAELES ACADEMY AUDITIONS :)
When I could only stare at him in confusion, Pepto’s gaze flicked to his phone, swiping bile from his lips.
His eyes went cartoon wide, like he couldn't believe what he himself was typing.
“That… that's not what I was trying to say!” He tried retyping it, but the guy was just writing strings of emoji hearts.
I didn't know what to say. I had dealt with rejection before, but I had never gone this far. Pepto was having a full on mental breakdown, his body shuddering, teeth chattering, blinking eyes and lips parting as if to speak, but choking on his words. When he started clawing out his hair, I took the opportunity to make a quick getaway.
Before I could make it to the doors, though, Pepto jumped in front of me, waving his phone directly in my face.
“Just…” he pointed at the screen. “It won't let me…” Growing frustrated with himself, he let out a wet sounding sob, clawing his fingers through his hair.
“Fuck, it won't let me…it won't let me type! It's not letting me type!”
By now, he had tufts of hair stuck between his fingernails. I don't know why his first reaction was to immediately try ripping his hair out.
A quick glance at my own phone reminded me of my own audition that was in five minutes.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with what I was pretty sure was delusion, denial, or a mixture of both.
I was considering pushing past him, when Pepto’s phone screen hit me in the face. Again.
This time, though, there was coherent writing.
“FIND LUKE.”
“Luke?” I said. “Who's that?”
“Luke!” The guy was bouncing on the heels of his feet. “He's my…” Pepto drifted off, his eyes going vacant, as if I could physically see his brain being plucked from his skull. Pepto dropped his phone, and I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. His hands went to his curls, clawing, scratching, until he was drawing blood across his forehead.
“I… I don't know! I can't… I can't remember. Luke. He was my… he was my… I don't know, I can't… I can't–”
I stumbled back when he let out a shriek, scratching at his face.
“Fuck!” He whimpered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Pepto grabbed my shoulders, shaking me, his fingers digging into my skin.
“I don't know who he is.” He gritted out, pink froth pooling from his lips.
Pepto broke out into a sob. “I don't… I don't know who he is, but you can find him, right? You can… you can find…”
Again, he trailed off mid sentence, his hands going limp around my shoulders.
I managed to side step him, swallowing a cry.
“Yeah, I'll, um, I'll find him for you.”
Pepto backed away, suddenly, stumbling over himself.
His gaze found mine, vacant, like a baby deer.
“Find who?”
I didn't wait around to answer him, pushing through the doors and stepping inside.
The interior was unsurprisingly even worse than the exterior.
The elevator was broken, so I had to run up three flights of stairs.
I expected at least an attempt at an academy, even in the dregs of an old dentist surgery.
What I got, though, was a never ending staircase, obnoxious photos of teeth greeting me on every level.
The third floor was… less clinical.
I strode directly into a waiting room filled with college aged students, either sitting on plastic chairs, or standing around, rehearsing.
The room itself was cosy enough, a navy carpet and a TV playing a random Twitch stream.
Situated in the middle was a desk with a bored looking woman behind it.
Her smile was fake. I could understand her pain. She was stuck in a room with theatre kids all day.
“Sign here.” She prodded a sheet of paper.
I was convinced her voice was AI.
While I was scribbling my details, I took a moment to notice the stark difference from the kids entering the room, to the ones leaving. The kids entering wore wide, confident smiles and were social butterflies, chatting amongst themselves.
The kids leaving reminded me of pod people.
They left the room silent, in an orderly line with dazed smiles on their faces, like they weren't sure where they were.
I watched one guy walk directly into the wall instead of taking a left toward the exit, and a girl straight up just toppled down the stairs.
The kids waiting with me named them rejects.
I wasn't convinced until I glimpsed an empty bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting on the floor by the window.
Thinking back to Pepto, that made a lot of sense.
I was still dazedly staring at the bottle, when my name was called.
Jumping to my feet, I did my best to calm myself down, straightening my ponytail. Pepto had really screwed with my head. I could barely even remember the lines I had been rehearsing for a week straight.
I was muttering my lines to myself, when I stepped through the door.
The door that apparently turned you into a pod-person on the way out.
For a moment, I thought I was blinded by stage lights.
It was so bright.
The glow bathing me was clinical, stabbing into my eyes.
When I blinked, I found myself standing in front of three shadows sitting in front of me.
Their chairs were made of leather, far different from the plastic ones in the waiting room.
So, they did have filthy cash.
I was looking at one man, and two women.
They were… average?
I expected them to be more glitzier, but they were just regular people.
The man was in his late twenties, maybe early thirties, a stiff looking brunette wearing a suit and tie, one leg crossed over the other. His eyes were narrowed slightly, lips curved into the start of a smile. Like I amused him.
The women were polar opposites.
One of them was my Mom’s age, grey hair and floral clothing. She took a sip of water, her gaze burning into me.
Google told me not to be intimidated by their stares, but it was impossible.
These people were carving holes into my skull.
Sitting next to her, a younger girl who seemed to own the color red.
Her hair simmered, blood red, while she herself was sculpted in a dress, perfect cherry lips spread in a wide smile.
With a little too many teeth.
They studied my face like I was already theirs, drinking in every inch of me.
Freddie said I had to find a weakness in their expression and use it to my advantage.
If I could find the prick of a genuine smile, I could become their favorite.
“Hi!” I said. My caffeine intake was starting to take effect.
I didn't realize I was bouncing up and down until I caught myself.
Red’s smile stretched wider.
Maybe they liked my eagerness.
“My name is Misa.” I introduced myself, staying casual, keeping my arms by my sides. “I'm twenty one years old–”
I choked on my next words when Red spoke up. “Impress us, Misa,” Her voice was a smooth, almost seductive rasp, and I felt myself fall into it, enveloped in sugar that was too sweet, and yet I couldn't stop myself. She folded her arms across her chest, her gaze challenging me to do something different. To make her want me.
“Show us something we have never seen before.” She stood up, cat-like eyes narrowing, “Show us how desperate you are to join this prestigious class.”
I nodded, and began.
I had planned a whole monologue, practised it over and over again, forcing Freddie to judge me with a none biassed opinion.
I was three lines in, when Red started laughing.
“Stop.”
I did, my cheeks heating up, and she started clapping.
“Sweetie, oh, stop, you're adorable!” She said, her lips curving into a cruel smirk.
She leaned forward, like I was something that entertained her, jostling her heeled foot. “We don't take amateurs. I think you need to go back to school.”
This woman was definitely a psychopath.
Empty eyes sparkling with a gleam that definitely enjoyed humiliating candidates, and a twisted smile that was a little too wide. Red made me want to crawl into the ground.
She made me want to turn around, leave the room, and quit my dream. I was aware of my own fury, my embarrassment turning my cheeks crimson. I matched her.
Maybe that's what she wanted all along. To wear the color of her victims.
Taking a shaky step back, I started to nod, started to agree, my mouth choking with the words, “You're right. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
I had never received proper constructive criticism from a professional standpoint.
Which meant I really did suck.
But I didn't move. I didn't want to move, and Red continued laughing, her companions sitting in silence.
The man rolled his eyes with a loud, exaggerated sigh.
Like I was boring.
The older woman pulled out her phone.
“Misa, you are…cute.” Red said. “But you're not quite what we are looking for.”
I wasn't sure I could admit it right there, but she made me feel things.
Like I was ignited.
Like I was going to prove this crazy bitch wrong.
I found my voice, strong and confident, despite my hammering heart.
“Give me another chance.”
Red’s lips curled. “So cute, Misa. Oh, sugar bear, It would be better if you left the room. Unless you want to embarrass yourself further! In that case, be my guest!”
She turned her attention to her nails, nudging the guy.
“Dinner?” She hummed. “I'm thinking of Italian. You are quite the wine connoisseur, Nicholas. Why don't you introduce me to your favorite?”
“Hey.” I blurted.
They ignored me, getting a little too close.
I don't know why I continued, reading my lines, screaming them, so I would be heard. I read them perfectly, and tweaking the genre from drama to romance, and then to horror. I became three different characters, a high school girl struggling with cancer, a final girl, and a woman going through a divorce.
I was fucking perfect.
But they weren't listening to me, caught up in their own conversation.
I tried again.
And again.
And again.
By now, I was on my knees, my fingers ripping into my hair. I was seeing red.
“We want originality, Misa,” Red said, sucking her teeth.
Her voice crawling into my skull was enough.
She still wanted me.
The thought polluted the back of my mind, taking a strangling hold. She still wanted me. When I lifted my head, Red wasn't looking at me, her gaze on the table grains. “Show us something new.”
I got to my feet, panting, my breath in my throat.
I became a screaming, strangled mess, a woman who lost her baby.
Red’s interest was piqued. Only slightly. Through my fraying vision, she slowly turned in her chair. “Again.” She clapped her hands, “Come on, Misa! We want new! We want never been fucking done before! Are you deaf?”
I couldn't stop the sobs escaping my mouth.
They lost interest again, right in the middle of my reading.
“Why can't you look at me?” I found myself spluttering.
When the man pulled out a bottle of water, I pulled off my heel and lobbed it at his face.
“Look at me!”
He did. Slowly. His gaze found me, for perhaps the first time.
Not as an amateur, but as a potential candidate.
Around the twentieth attempt, I started to laugh. Never been done before? I could feel my fingernails already in my scalp, clawing chunks of my hair out.
Reality contorted, and I felt myself drop to my knees. I was still laughing, spluttering, sobbing. I could still hear her in my head. Never Been Done Before. I started slowly, dragging my fingernails down my face until I felt the harsh sting.
“Again.” Red said, and her voice led me to stare down at my hands, at pinkish flesh glued to my bones, fleshy mounds.
So easy to tear. I didn't even feel it.
Only the sudden, unbridled euphoria of biting into my own skin, locking in my jaw, and ripping into myself.
When I tore it from the bone, warmth filled my mouth, and I was choking, guzzling down my own flesh, mulling it in my mouth and swallowing.
I can't remember how I got so deep, and why I didn't stop.
Why I didn't fucking scream.
But it didn't matter.
Red was standing up. She was clapping, her lips spread into a grin.
Her applause filled me with stars.
So, I ripped my hair from my scalp, a hysterical giggle escaping my lips.
She loved me.
I could see her jumping up and down, clapping.
Louder, and louder.
Her applause controlled me, twisting and contorting me into hers.
I didn't even think. I wanted to impress her, and doing this was doing just that.
My fingers were delving into my right eye socket, clawing my eye out. It didn't even hurt. Not with her thundering applause that was deafening, beautiful, an orchestra in my ears.
When I was semi conscious, my eye was crushed in my hand, but my vision was still mine, almost too clear. I could see streaks of red blurred between my lashes. My hair was caught between my fingers. But I wanted to do more.
When I stumbled to my feet, Red’s smile was so beautiful.
The man, however, looked horrified.
“Someone bring in the one of the successes,” Red’s voice was a shrill giggle, “Bring him in!” she clapped her hands together, and I spat out a fleshy thing. “I want to see them together! I want to see the future in front of us!”
Footsteps coming towards me in slow, shuddery thumps. I looked up, and a shadow was dancing around me.
When I slowly rose to my feet, I half realized I’d bitten my toe off. The shadow had a face, a boy who was younger than me. I think he used to have hair, but half of it was gone, half of it was still stuck between his fists. When I found his eyes, I found twin caverns instead.
Eyes that were still physically there, and yet there was no life.
No spark.
I was staring at a dead body, a flesh puppet who had lost his strings.
When he grabbed my hands, pulling me into a waltz, I caught a smear of scarlet trickling down the back of his neck. When I followed it upwards, his head was covered, slick, dripping with red.
Like me, he matched her too.
And he was beautiful, she told me, her push, her thunderous applause, guiding me into a waltz.
His feet moved, perfecting every step, and my foggy mind couldn't understand why. He matched my every move, the two of us floating across the floor.
My feet knew the steps before my mind.
How could he dance? I thought, dizzily.
How could he dance, when smeared scarlet followed his twisting, and turning and pirouetting feet?
Because underneath that swimming clinical light, the back of the boy’s head had been carved away, a perfectly sculpted cavern where his brain should have been. I could see the severed stem, where it had cleanly plucked out.
His fingers cradled in mine were wet. Swimming in blood.
His own blood.
Spinning round and around, I imagined myself as a princess.
I saw an 18th century ballroom lit up around us. Glittering smiles and glasses of champagne, long, flowing ball gowns.
I blinked, and my head was tipped back, gliding in blood once again.
When he pulled me to his chest, I stumbled, and a name came to light.
Luke.
I had found him.
Our finishing spin left me hard to breathe.
My body was broken, ripped into, and yet somehow not.
By the time we were finished, the two of us bowing, my mind was full of fog.
Cotton candy.
“Congratulations!” Red’s smile was inhuman, stretching right off of her face.
“You're in the S class!”
I was led through a door that wasn't the one I entered from. Inside the room were a dozen or so students, kneeling on the floor. They were missing parts of themselves, like unfinished puzzle pieces.
I dropped onto my knees next to a girl without a head. I could only see her torso, but I knew she was smiling.
Looming over us, was the goddess Athena drenched in blood that was still wet.
Dripping, pooling from every crevice of her dress.
Looking closer, this statue was moving.
Something sickly crept into my mouth.
Her right eye was human, a twitching eyeball sandwiched inside the stone.
It didn't match her. It was wrong, horrifying, like a painting, a real human eye struggling to focus on us.
And then, my own gaze found the statues head, where a real human brain had been forced inside perfect white, pink, greyish mush dripping down the sculpted, slender neck.
I could see where it had been pushed, pulverised through the stone.
The statue’s singular eye found me.
Its dancing pupil jumped up and down.
Before it blinked.
Next to me, Luke was on his knees, as if in prayer.
I can't remember leaving the room.
I just remember running.
Back down the stairs, stumbling, staggering over myself.
I was screaming by the time I reached the doors.
They opened, as usual.
But I couldn't get through. I tried, but I was slamming into something I couldn't see.
Pepto was still waiting outside. The sky was dark.
When he saw me, he stumbled over, slamming his hands into the glass.
I couldn't even understand myself. I was just fucking screaming.
Pepto held up his phone.
“DID YOU FIND HIM?”
I shook my head.
“No.” I lied.
I can't tell him the truth. I don't even know what it is.
“I can't get out!”
Pepto nodded slowly, typing something and showing me his phone.
I'm getting you both out of there. I think I know how I can get inside.
It's been 3 days, and Pepto is yet to return.
I’ve tried multiple times to cry out for the H word. But it won't let me type it.
Please H me. I need to get out of this place.
Fuck. Get me OUT OF HERE.
Classes start tomorrow.

Has anyone realised how stunning and unique and bright eugenia’s eyes are when she’s well ? You could see such a soul in them. She probably doesn’t realise that although she’s so ill at the moment and sees no light in her face, nothing is permanent. Her eyes will come back if she can get recovery. For real this time, no cameras or weird Shane Dawson stuff the minute she gets out before she can even take a breath. For her.
I was so beaten by alcohol and malnutrition when I went into rehab I thought I’d ruined my looks forever. Especially my eyes, I wasn’t young when I went into treatment. I was amazed when after all I’d done to my body for so many years I got better and looked like a person, my eyes back to how they were with light in them again.
Her life is not ours. It is hers and she deserves it. She is a beautiful, sweet kind person and she deserves to live, and smile and have those shiny eyes again. I hope she can go away to rehab again for long enough this time, and find joy in her heart for the first time ever. And then come back, when she is READY. perhaps she never will be and that’s okay too; she will always be a star; for who she is, not this illness.
Eugenia, you might never ever believe it if all you’ve known is this pain (SO FAR!), but recovery is not something that you can’t do. I certainly thought I’d never get it. Sweetheart, it is possible. Get away. The human body needs sunshine needs to travel to show itself the world is not a prison . Your path is to influence and inspire people, you have such a gift because you connect to people - don’t ever second guess your natural talents. imagine the ways you can help other people when you recover.. and you know you’re a good person, wouldn’t you just love that to be your legacy?
Your recovery story would change the world!
but forget all that for now, forget about others in general. You never have to prove yourself to the world or to anyone. You could disappear if it makes you feel better when you’re well. Perhaps you should, get some peace. but you are alive for a reason, You deserve to live.
You are stronger than you think. Imagine that cow ana in a box, kicking and screaming because she doesn’t have power over you anymore. But remember when it feels too hard to bear that things tend to scream when they’re dying. Ana is not your friend Eugenia. We are. We love you, more than you do. You can do this. Let’s get rid of this bully in your head. I promise you eventually she will leave you alone. If I can have 1 year sober, anything can happen. It’s gonna be hard but it can’t be harder than this. You can’t think straight. You are so much more than her. You are stronger than her. You’re a fighter! Please come back to who you are
P.S I know how bad it hurts. And I am so sorry.
Never lose hope. You’re a remarkable person. You can be okay.. if you want to. It’s never too late. We love you

The strategy here is to use the GB and WT words against them and also use the Bible as an authority. You’ll force them to say they don’t believe the GB or the Bible if they try to criticize you.
“Do you believe the GB is the faithful slave?” They don’t know who the faithful slave is and neither do you. It’s been identified as 5 different people or groups over the years. CT Russel was first, JFK Rutherford and the corporate members next, the 144,000, the part of the 144,000 that is teaching the other part, then just the GB. Will it change again in a minute? If it was clear, there wouldn’t be a need to change it.
I’m not apostate for believing whats true and believing the Bible. If I was to say what’s in the WT now 10 years ago, I’d be apostate. If in 10 years form now I said what’s in the WT now, I’d be apostate. I’ll just stick with what the Bible says and not get too fancy.
I believe jeffrey winder when he says the GB are not inspired and make mistakes. Also when the Bible says each one should carry his own load. I’m not inspired either. But I’m the one who has to bear the consequences for my decisions.
“Do you report service time?” I talk about the Bible as much now as I ever did. [i criticize it as being stupid but I’m not saying that.] I’ll report time when the Bible says to.
Several WT article and videos say you are to blame if you suffer the consequences of believing the WT and later it was revealed Jehovah never cared about that. It says that people who believed what they heard at the conventions and COs about 1975 are you own fault for fixating on dates. It says brothers who spent 12 years in prison over civilian service in Greece should be grateful they spent time in jail after new light said it wasn’t necessary. [See my post history] I’m just taking responsibility for my own actions. Would hate to make a decision based on new light, then suffer consequences, then be told it was my own fault when the new light was changed again. Lots of people died from refusing organ transplants and lots of brothers went to prison when they didn’t need to.
I trust Bible words over Bible principles. Bible words don’t change. Bible principles say beards are bad and also says they’re good. It’s too confusing. I’ll just stick with with the Bible says. Hard to know for sure what music or dancing or medicine God hates. He probably doesn’t hate a lot of stuff we’re told he does.
If the Bible says I can’t do it, I’ll obey, if it doesn’t say that, I’ll assume it’s probably fine.
David Splane said we shouldn’t be applying anything in an antitypical manner unless the Bible specifically says to do that. The 2560 days was used to show the end of the world a lot of times. Not sure why it’s even being applied in an antitypical way.
I don’t think anyone knows who the king of the north is. It is “evidently” one country and then later it is “evidently” another country. Just hard to know.
The WT says there are people who pretend to be anointed. I have no idea and neither do you if anyone is or not.
The generation is 110 years old now. I guess I can just live my life and Jehovah sort out the end of the world.
David Splane said to check the facts regarding negative stories so I did. I watched Geoffrey Jackson testify and read the transcripts f the court cases. The states website isn’t apostate and the court transcripts aren’t taken out of context.
What did you find?
Geoffrey Jackson said JWs weren’t god’s spokesperson right in in court, which was surprising. I’d think he would use that opportunity to give a bold witness. The WT lawyer in Canada said family relations continue normally when someone is Daft and they don’t shun. Brother elder in noweigh said JWs don’t DF minors and that JWs don’t shun. The next days they showed a video instructing the co gregarious how to shun and how thorough it should be. I don’t think the lawyers care about stopping the preaching. They just don’t want kids being shunned. It wasn’t a good look.
Show me in the Bible where it says it’s wrong.
If the new light is loving and scriptural, what was the old light?
I obey God as ruler rather than men.
It seems like a conflict of interest to say after all our research and prayer we humbly conclude we are the faithful slave and you need to do everything we say even if we make mistakes.
The current two tiered DF arrangement is the same as it was in 1974. It was changed in 1980 when ray Franz wrote his book and is not back to 1974 level after the court loss in Norway. Jehovah is very sensitive to current events it seems.
People who are DFd aren’t suffering the consequences of their own actions. Mark Sanderson said the Bible never said people should be shunned over immorality or for any other reason other than being the Antichrist and dying Jesus never came in the flesh. Means those people suffered a lot more than the Bible wanted them to. It wasn’t their choice. I believe mark Sanderson on this. Lots people committed suicide when they were treated like the Antichrist.
The Bible only says to DF for denying Jesus came in the flesh. Like atheist maybe. You can be DF’d for 33 things. You think a guy who smokes deserves to never speak to his grandchildren ever again? What didnt Jehovah just say that? You think a married people should be treated like the Antichrist because they do oral sex? They’re married. What difference does it make what they do naked? Show me that in the Bible.
The Bible doesn’t say to talk to the elders. It doesnt talk about judicial committees. A pdf says that. Not the Bible.
I obey God as ruler rather than men. I’m loyal to God.
“1914 doesn’t matter. We never preach about that” 1914 is linked to 1919. If 1914 doesn’t matter, what happened in 1919? [This is when John measured the temple and said Rutherfords hostile take over of a lucrative printing company was when Jesus picked the one true religion.]
The last days started in 1799 and 1874 and 1914. I can’t keep up. I’m going to college and I’ll let Jehovah sort the rest out.
“This is the only religion that checks all the boxes WT has made for itself.” This religion checks those boxes too.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iglesia_ni_Cristo
Established in 1914, the leadership is anointed, they preach, international, no trinity, no hellfire, no Christmas, no birthdays, full water immersion after studying, no infant baptism, and they disfellowship.
Added more content

Yes I know, another Savinkov post. Bear with me.
Now I am not questioning whether or not the Vozdh himself was a good or bad choice. Like many on here, he is my headcanon for Russian leader in Kaiserreich and an iconic part of the mod for me.
What I am really asking for is a history lesson. Why did the past Kaiserreich Devs choose this relatively obscure social revolutionary terrorist to be the leader of the Russian Far-Right over other more established Russian Fascists and Reactionaries? What influenced them to make this choice and how was Savinkov even originally even considered? As someone who has played this mod and loved it for quite a while I’m curious to find out.

I 20F met my friend 19F in Elementary school and have been friends for several years(around nine/ten). When we met we were wonderful friends and always got along with one another. It was just the two of us and we had constant sleepovers along with small playdates. We were considered the weird girls in all of our classes for our quirky behaviors.
When middle school came, we didn't have lunch or classes together, but we continued to keep in contact and consistently had sleepovers despite the lack of in person interactions at school. She met a guy during the first year of middle school, making friends with him. He's a great guy and I don't blame him for anything. He's chill and wouldn't hurt a fly. Upon the second year of middle school, would I get to have lunch with her(due to a transfer).
This would be when I finally got to meet her new friend and we all got along fairly well. I would never complain about the friendship. We all loved talking and messing around with each other. We never had any fights, no one ever felt left out, or anything like that. I had to fight off jerks from bothering them, but between all of us...it was civil.
A few years later, after highschool when we all are getting jobs and making a living for ourselves that's when things started to feel more dull and forced. I was suspicious that those two would get in a relationship and leave me out. To my fear, I got a text the very day I was talking to my older brother about my suspensions. I learned that they started to date through text.
After they got together, she wouldn't go anywhere without him and sleepovers began to get more complicated. Everytime they both came over for our sleepovers I would have a hard time trying to please both of them. Normally I would ask about what they'd like to do or what they wanted to talk about just to make sure we are all included. There were a few times that he and I would have great conversations together since we share a passion for art. She doesn’t do art and doesn't join the conversations because of this. In turn she started to feel left out during these conversations. I do my best to try and include her in the conversations even if it isn't something she's into.
There have been several times we all are playing multiplayer games with one another just for her to get off and go onto her phone. I notice this majority of the time and ask her if everything's okay. Normally she shrugs it off and tells me that she's bored. This is her feeling left out and I only know this since her boyfriend told me after the sleepover. I have a hard time reading people and with me asking is my way of trying to understand another person.
Even after making sure my friends throughout the years know I'm aromantic, I was shocked when he sent me a strange question. After one of the sleepovers, I mostly talked with him since she shut herself out and wasn't responding to me. Figuring she wanted to be left alone, I wasn't going to poke the bear and left her to her phone activities. Because I decided to do this, he asked me through text if I was jealous and had a crush on him? This question took me back, since I've stressed I'm unable to romantically get attached to people. I told him no and that I tried talking to her but she didn't want to talk to me in return. This is why I talked to him more than her.
We all made plans to go out together to the next city to visit a store we all wanted to go to. Upon rolling around, I get a text saying they already went without me and got a few things(attached with a picture). When I got this text, it all hit me and I felt as if our friendship was bound to crash into flames. They ditched out on me not even a week before and made the snarky comment 'since we already went, but we can still go.' I decided I wasn't going to go with them to the event since it was supposed to be the first time with us all. We waited six months for him to turn 18 so he could come with us just for them to go without me.

so damn raw. My husband had a 14 month old affair with someone he claims he did not care for. Meaning, he only used her for sex. Reason for the affair is because he and I were not having sex, which is true. I had no desire after I had my hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy. I could get on meds to help, and no, I did not try anything else to see if I’d have the urge.
I struggle with the length of time of the affair, and I struggle in believing that he had no feelings for her. I read ALL the text messages between them, he called her sweetie, baby, honey, and babydoll. He also use the same terms of endearment with me. But there was one term he did not use with her, which was “My Love”. She told him multiple times, via text, that she loved him, but he never text it back. He would either ignore the text, or he’d respond by saying “I miss you.” They never stated the night together, even when they met up at hotels, or motels. She’d get her own room and she paid for it herself. He never cuddled with her, stayed the night with her, never were out in public together, or never bought her anything. She would meet up with him at his ranch lease and they would have sex in his RV, then she’s go back to the motel near by afterwards, or she would stay in his friend’s RV that was vacant, but never stayed overnight in his RV. She went every single time he was at the lease which was minimally once a weekend month, or twice a weekend. It’s also important to add that according to him, her, and through careful analysis of the text messages, she never stayed at his RV/ranch for more than 2 hours, unless she was in an RV next door. But never together. So weird, lol.
While in town, they met up every morning behind an alleyway and had sex in her car before work. So they would text and talk on the phone every morning, and after work and on the 2 hour drive to and from his lease. He never would leave the house once he was home with me, never left on weekends to run errands and was always affectionate and loving with me. NOTHING between us changed, meaning he did not treat me differently. He has always been attentive, loving and affectionate. He cuddled with me, rubbed my back every night, constantly kissed me, hugged me, bought my favorite snacks, and constantly told me he loved me. This is how he’s been with me for as long as I can remember. He’s always been like this with me. So even though I had a feeling and a few signs that I missed last year, he gave me NO indication of cheating.
When all this came out, I called the AP and she confirmed that he told her in the beginning that he would never leave me and that he loved me. I spoke to AP in person 2 weeks after DDay and she confirmed that he was never affectionate with her, never got to spend a night with him, he never bought her anything, never was out in public with her, never told anyone they were seeing each other, never caressed her, or held her. Said he occasionally held her hand and maybe hugged her once. She told me that she asked him once if he loved me and he said yes. She confirmed that he told her in the beginning of the affair that he would never leave me. She said they met up every morning for either sex or to give him his breakfast taco and his energy drink. She confirmed that he ever said anything negative about me, just said we weren’t having sex. She said that he told her we were roommates, like good friends, but that we didn’t sleep in separate bedrooms. He denies that comment though. She said he told her that he loved her, ONCE, which was on DDay, during a conversation. He denies that. I do have a tape recording of their convo, it’s how I busted him, but I have yet to clear it up as there is so much road noise in the background.
On DDay, he told her on the phone that he didn’t love her, blocked her number and blocked her on FB as well. He’s an NP and would occasionally see her as a patient, but has since declined to see her and recommend that she see the main MD. He’s been very proactive and going above and beyond. I see his remorse, we’ve cried together many times and we’ve started MC. He’s being absolutely wonderful, and patient, and I just cannot let it go. Meaning, I cannot let go of the length of time of the affair and I don’t believe him when he says it was ONLY sex with her. How can that be with the daily talks and text messages?! This is what I am struggling with because aside from the sex, them constantly talking is driving me nuts cuz I feel that he did care. He said he did all that as a rouse to keep her available. That she was easily manipulated. That’s why they talked and texted.
Sorry for the long read. Would appreciate any advice and thoughts as to whether or not you’d consider this JUST a sexual affair or not. And of course, coping advice. Thanks!