Hey guys,
As of around an hour ago I ran into a tough situation. Back in high school ( currently M20) I was groomed multiple times and I ended up in a relationship with a guy who was 33 while me being 17. I didn’t realize I was potentially being groomed as you know all people in that time think they’re so mature and adult when they’re validated by an adult like that. Long story short regarding the relationship. We ended up actually being together for 2 years after that. A lot of fighting, I got cheated on, and the worst- being beat up badly on a street near where I was living in NYC.
That trauma alone and that doesn’t crack the surface of everything that’s happened and the trauma he put me through that resurfaced tonight. My two best friends F20 and 19 have been so excited about living together in a new apartment when my lease ends at the end of the summer and we’ve been planning housewarming, parties, etc and integrating our friend groups. Sounds like every young persons dream right? Well that dream completely was destroyed tonight.
These friends have been my best 2 friends for years ( we were friends for years throughout high school and ended up being our chosen family in a way) and I get a text tonight that neither of their parents will allow me to live with them. I am a good person, provided infinite support for both and we see each other every week. I even spent 1700 dollars to go see my friend who was doing a semester abroad and meet her and her new friends. I thought I could completely trust my friends but apparently a conversation in passing that one of the friends had with her mom regarding my age at the time and my ex who groomed me (this conversation happened with her mother was back in highschool) yet at the time her mother didn’t say anything about it. Once my friend made it official we were all living together her mom has been fighting for 2 weeks now, which I only learned about coming home from work tonight, and says she doesn’t want her to live with someone like me. Her mother called my best friends mom and told her about what I’ve gone through and how she can’t fathom her living with someone like me and said she doesn’t want her to be around me when me and ex have completely cut ties and will never see each other and it’s been that way for over a year now. My best best friends mom and dad who received a call from her mom and was spoken to and although they love me quickly took a turn with how they perceive me. Apparently one of the dads said “f*ck no” regarding the living situation just because of the trauma I endured during that time.
I know this sounds like a hasty choice but they came over and we talked for a little about everything but I truly don’t think I can be friends with people who’s parents feel some way about me which I’m still not understanding? I know people go through friends when they’re young but these people were my everything. Can someone explain what I did wrong? Without them my life feels empty and I don’t want to do this anymore as they are the only people I’ve ever loved this deeply and now their families don’t think I’m safe or something and it’s kind of hypocritical her dad can say such a thing as “f*ck no” when he was arrested for trading drugs for sex and divorced.
I don’t know what type of advice I’m seeking tbh but if anyone can just let me know their thoughts on this I’d appreciate it and why I’m being vilified for being a victim. I’ve opened up to my parents when I cut ties with ex about everything I’ve been through and had no judgment. Help please because I’ve lost any meaning for living a life without them. They still want to be my best friends but idk if i can do it being reminded every day that their immediate families feel weird towards me or feel me being around is safety issue when I literally have finally made a breakthrough in the past year and a half.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SparkMandrill90. He posted in AITAH
Mood Spoiler: Good ending.
Original Post: May 9, 2024
My (33M) ex-wife (30F) and I got divorced 3 years ago. In college, we worked at the same restaurant, that's where we met. We were together for 7 years, and married for a little over 3 and half. We divorced because she cheated twice.
2 years into our marriage I discover she is having an affair with a former classmate. I collect enough evidence and confront her. She confesses everything. The affair was about 2 months long. This was a really terrible time, and was really hard to work through with her. You can call me an idiot, but I am a forgiving person. I do believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. We agreed to reconcile. We did the work. We had marriage counseling. We read some of the books, she went no contact with classmate right away, open phone policy, we told our parents. She was doing the right things and our relationship was recovering.
1 year into our reconciliation, her Aunt dies. I am very busy with work and cannot attend the services as they are on Thursday and Friday, back in her hometown 5 hours away. Her parents and brother no longer live there, so she stayed with a good friend from HS. I had met this friend a few times and was comfortable with that.
On Saturday morning my wife text me that the car was loaded, and she was about to start making the drive home. About an hour after that I got a Facebook message from the friend. Who stated she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she just let this go, but informed me that my wife had gone out Friday night with some old friends from HS. The friend thought nothing of this until she discovered my wife had left her phone behind, and that she didnt come back until the following morning. I had gotten a text that Friday night from my wife that she was going to bed early since the past few days had been emotionally draining.
I confronted my wife soon as she got home. She was really hesitant to tell me anything so I lied to her and told her if we were going to work through this, I needed to know everything like the last time. That got her to confess that she had gone out, and had gone home with an old friend from high school. She said they didn't have sex but did do "stuff" that I won't go into detail about here. It didn't matter, once I got enough of the truth I left for my parents house. That week, my Dad called my landlord and paid all the termination fees and got me out of the lease. We went and got my stuff while she was at work. My parents set me up with a friend of theirs that was a divorce attorney and he cut me a deal. Took about 7 months for divorce to go final.
That was 3 years ago. I have an awesome girlfriend, and am doing well. This past weekend I got a Facebook message from a guy who is now engaged to my ex-wife. He introduced himself and said he was probably just being crazy, but he wanted to know why we had gotten divorced. He said he had broached the subject a few times, and she always "gets weird." She had told him we had divorced because we grew apart, but mostly she just deflects or is really really vague.
I told him the truth, and offered evidence if he would like. He declined, and thanked me for my time and story.
A day later I get a phone call from a local, but unknown number. I answer and it's my ex-wife. She is really upset and asking me why I am trying to ruin her future. I get her to calm down and talk. She says her fiancee has asked for some space and is staying with his parents this week. That he is saying he needs to reevaluate their relationship. She wants to know why I told him all about their past and why I'm still punishing her. She tells me she's not that person anymore, and has done all this work, and been in therapy. That she deserves another chance and I'm being petty and hateful. There were a few generic insults thrown. I got a little pissed and told her if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about heour past and owned up to cheating in her prior marriage, and then gone about showing her fiancee that she was ready to be a worthy partner to him unlike she was with me. Instead she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again. She said a few choice words and hung up.
I haven't heard anything since. I told my girlfriend and she reassured how I handled it. But I find myself feeling guilty. I still believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. While I would have felt wrong lying to the guy, I wonder if I should have handled the whole thing differently or just not responded. If she is truly different and this is just a blip, I don't want to be the thing that prevents her from finding happiness, but also believe I'm not what's hurting her engagement. AITA?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: The fiancé called you and asked you what happened, you are under no obligation to lie to him for her sake, as a matter of fact, anything that you told him besides the truth would be suspect as you have no idea what she told him. Don’t feel bad, she is only feeling the consequences of her actions. NTA. Kiss your wife, tell her you love her, and live a good life together

OOP: Yeah, I don't know what she's told him exactly. He made it sound like she will do anything NOT to talk about it. He did say the most he's ever gotten out of her when bringing it up was "We grew apart". Which is a lie in itself.

Commenter: NTAH, imagine if you had lied to the guy and said you had just grown apart. Would you want thar on your conscience? I’d have told him rather than been part of a lie that will lead to someone else getting hurt. She hasn’t changed at all.

OOP: No, you're right, I would not have lied to him. I think I was largely wondering if I should have just told him "it wasn't my place and he needs to get it from his fiancee", but after the amount of feedback, I'm feeling really good with my decision.

Commenter: NTA. I’m like you. I would feel guilty because at a glance it seems like being honest about your experience caused your ex to potentially lose her relationship. However you are holding yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. Your ex cheated. Your ex withheld information from her current partner. Your ex is still avoiding accountability. You are not responsible for her actions. Anything that happens in her relationship is her problem, not yours.

OOP: Thank you for this, I got to remind myself of that. I hate causing others pain, so I'm glad to hear from someone who can relate

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of votes are NTA
Update Post: May 12, 2024 (3 days later)
I really didn't expect to give an update because I assumed I'd never hear anything from my ex wife or her fiancee again. First Post
Last night I received a very very long text from my ex-wife. I'll summarize it below, because it was long and did have personal details.
She started off by apologizing for the way she talked to me the other day and said I didn't deserve to be insulted like that. She then went onto explain herself, and her situation.
She started by acknowledging that this whole situation wasn't my concern or business, and apologized for me being drawn into it, and said she was embarrassed that their issues were being "aired out." She said it was her fault this happened. Since she began dating her fiancee she has hidden the details of our marriage out of shame and guilt. For the most part it was never brought up until he proposed a couple months ago. That's when he first really asked and seemed to want to know. She said she wasn't ready to deal with that and kept trying to rug sweep it, but he persisted. This is when she started therapy (so apparently she's only had a few therapy sessions and all are recent). She never thought he would reach out to me.
She then stated that none of this was my fault, and apologized for blaming me. She said she should have faced this a long time ago, gotten therapy for ruining our marriage, and come to terms with her own feelings of guilt.
Then she apologized for her affairs, and way I was treated during our marriage.
The last part was just her stating that she was not expecting a response back, wishing me the best, and saying that hopefully her and her fiancee will never "bother me" again.
This morning when I got up and read this, I sent back a brief message:
"I appreciate the apologies and am glad you are working on yourself. I have moved on from what happened, and hope you can move on from this. The only bit of advice I have is I think this text needs to go to your fiancee."
She responded back just by saying "Thank you" and that he's received far more and far longer texts.
I doubt there'll ever be another update. I actually hope there isn't. I don't believe in closure, but I will say it was refreshing, to hear her apologize without an asterisk. That's what I always got before, the "I'm so sorry, I just drank too much and..." "I'm so sorry, I was just really depressed and stressed and...". Doesn't mean a whole lot really, maybe just unexpected for me, but it was nice to hear an apology that has no excuse trailing behind it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day now and leave all this behind me.
Wanted to address a small sets of commenters from the first post though. I had several people hung up on that my Dad paid my termination fees and got me out of my lease. He did that of his own accord, to take a lot of the stress of the separation off me. I included that to show how I had a support system that was behind me, and willing to help in any way no questions asked. It really helped me through the healing process, and I got back on my feet pretty quickly after. I'm sorry if you don't have anyone there for you when you're at your lowest, but it doesn't make you better or manlier or whatever you were going for when you made those comments. Having to face any and every challenge on your own, is really just kind of a sad existence in my opinion. I hope that changes for you and you'll find someone to be in your corner someday.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: She seems to be taking some accountability for her actions which is a surprise if she is sincere. They almost never take any responsibility for anything.
Go on and have a wonderful life.

OOP: Yep that's what I'm going to do.
I don't have much thought on the texts she sent me, I mean this whole thing is really nothing more than a weird few days in my otherwise routine life. But I will admit, it was nice to hear her take some accountability without making an excuse right after. That had never happened before.

Commenter: I honestly don't see why people were jumping on you for having someone in your corner to help you out, seems like a weird thing to get hung up on.

OOP: That's how I felt too, but there were a handful of people who were trying to imply that I was some sort of crybaby man child because my Dad took care of that for me.

Commenter: What accountability exactly do you think that she is taking here? She’s basically just playing defense to try to save her current relationship. It’s easy to be honest when there’s no other choice.

OOP: Her motivations are her own.
But to address your questions on accountability. When she first got caught having an affair, and we decided to work it out. She did everything "right." She came to every counseling appointment and fully participated, she read the books we got, she gave me every password, and so on. She would apologize profusely, but every time she would also give an excuse along with it. "I am so sorry I did this to us, I don't know what I was thinking, I was just so caught up in the validation" or the attention, or I was just so depressed and he was just there, and so on. She would put her self down, beg for forgiveness, and each time there was always just a little "asterisk" added on. A little reason/excuse/deflection as to why she did it. An outside factor that pushed her into it to some degree
When she did the second time, there wasn't much discussion because I ended things and left as soon as I got enough confession out of her. But when she was bombarding me with texts, emails, snaps, you name it trying to explain and beg, and ask for one more chance and all that, she apologized a 1000 times, all 1000 times had its little "asterisk.". I was just so drunk I wasn't thinking, I really thought he just wanted to keep hanging out, we didn't have sex (whether this was true or not I really don't care) and so on.
I'm going to assume you've never dealt with a betrayal like this, and I hope you never do, but when you are a person like me, who has been betrayed, even years later, to finally get an apology that has no excuses, no asterisks attached to it, it is incredibly refreshing. I truly thought it would never happen, thought she would never be capable.
Now, it doesn't mean much, our lives haven't crossed paths in 2.5 years, and may never again. I'm not going to be reaching out and I assume neither is she, but for that to actually happen, I'll take the win today.

This is major tmi but ill sum it up to spare details regarding anything relating to sex itself. So last night/technically this morning me and my partner ended up having sex. For context im 37 weeks today and since 35 weeks i was first sent into the ob triage for being dilated at one of my appointments from my dr. I had to go back a week later due to contractions which was found on both occasions i went in. I was told i was a "loose 1cm dilated and 60% effaced. " i was never told not to have sex or to avoid intercourse either times i went. So last night we finally felt comfortable enough to try. I was having pains a few hours before it that are worse when standing/ moving. Closest thing i could find online was spd for example of how to describe how it felt? Well when we had sex i got on top and it was way more wet than usual, barely after we started my partner told me his whole back was soaked and i was confused i asked if he wanted to stop and he said no, we tried to keep going but it kept getting worse and worse it felt like someone threw an entire bucket of water onto the bed. We stopped and checked consistency, it was different than my usual discharge or wetness during sex which is semi thicker and slippery. This was pure water texture and had no sort of glide to it. We checked the wet spots on the bed(our sheets are white) and there was no colored tint or smell to it. So we stopped. I peed after and checked to make sure no blood or anything, my bladder was completely full still and when i peed it was pretty yellow. Whatever was on the bed definitely wasnt urine. I felt normal for the most part, no contractions during this and so we just went back to bed after cleaning it up. Today all day ive been having that pelvic pain again but its WAY worse. I can barely walk im waddling and moving very slow, when i bend a leg it hurts so bad i have to use my arm to lift my legs and even then im cringing in pain. When i stand my legs tremble and almost feel like they're going to give out. I brushed it off but as the day progressed it got worse and worse. Its now 11:35pm and the "water breaking" incident occurred around 6am. I fell back asleep and woke up at around 12:45-1pm and thats when i noticed it first but it was really minimal. Started getting really bad around 6pm-8pm today. Im scared to go in because im not leaking fluid, theres nothing for the hospital to test for amniotic fluid. I dont notice contractions so i doubt any would be picked up rn. i had a past c-section with my first baby and this one is a recurrent c-section which i have an appointment for on june 3rd. They told me before if i come back in after eating they'd have to delay a c-section and wait until my stomach is empty as well so im scared of going in and just being held there when i could rest it out at home. I plan on going tomorrow after i first wake up so that way my stomach is empty incase they decide to have baby now. But any advice would be great, i will go in tonight if anything seems more urgent or gets worse. Any similar stories would also be nice along with outcomes. Im very conflicted on how to be handling this situation

I saw Lauren speak at a promo event today for her latest book. I thought you guys would be interested in some of the GG tidbits she shared. I’m sure some of this may have been mentioned before by others who’ve heard her speak.
-One episode would take about 8 12-14 hour work days. -Sometimes Kelly would walk up to her and ask if she wanted to share a bag of Cheetos. She said she would say to Kelly, “ooh you’re bad.” -From the GG AYITL set, she took a refrigerator magnet with a picture of Alexis, it said you’re the apple of my eye. She also took a pig figurine that she never noticed before and some clothes. I wish she shared which clothing items! She also has THE sign or a sign of the Dragonfly Inn in her garage. -Ed heard about the ending of the show from a video store employee who said “Sorry about your show” to him. She got the news from her agent while out at dinner. -She would be interested in doing a GG Christmas movie where we find out the father of Rory’s baby. She thinks the baby is a girl and would be named Lolo. These are her musings and not the shows. -Apparently she never answers the question: Dean, Jess or Logan? -She would not marry Kirk LOL. -Lastly she shared a funny story where while working with Meryl Streep on a movie, Meryl told her she was a good listener and because Lauren was so nervous, her response was “What?”
Edit: just remembered more. -Her comfort shows that she either has on or would have in the background - Sex and the City and she also mentioned The Godfather lol. -Kelly and Lauren sign off their texts to each other, TVM and TVD (tv mom and daughter).

Hi I’m Jake and I’m a 5,2 average build, 21 year old nerd from a small town in Queensland Australia
I am a complete homebody so I’ll probably be available most of the time and I have PC
Also a little bit of a furry. Just letting you know. Also also I do have ADHD but bot heavily, or atleast I think 😅. I definitely tend to have hyper fixations.
Also also I am an aspiring writeanimatoYouTuber. Emphasis on “Aspiring” because I have a tendency to over analyse a subject to death and the fact that if I do anything then it’s gotta be good!
My interests include but are not limited too
-Gaming (I love the classics like COD/Halo/Bioshock/dark souls/ all that stuff. And I’m a Xbox guy mostly but I’ll play anything as long as it’s fun!)
-Movies and shows ( marvel/DC/Transforms/pacific rim/a lot of war movies/star wars/star trek/How To Train Your Dragon/Fight Club/Heat/Doctor who/dragon ball/Naruto/Bo Jack Horseman/gravity falls)
-Animation both 2D and 3D
-Philosophy and psychology (I love learning about social economics and geopolitics)
-Military stuff (I’m from a military family on my dads side
-Vehicles (both land, air and sea)
-sports (Group B Rally for ever!)
-Writing (I’ve got a few stories)
-music (my favourites are Hanz Zimmer and John Williams) (also I have a tendency to think up entire stories when I listen to music and daydream) (I mostly prefer soundtracks and instrumentals)
food (I love cooking healthy!, specifically anything to do with spaghetti Bolognese!)
And much much more!
What am I looking for? Well I’m I’m looking for some honest and genuine long term friends (preferably around the same age as me) to hang out with and play games like halo/COD/ whatever. I want friends who I can rely on and be relied on and can confidently confide in. I also am fine with calling and chatting on discord and stuff.
(Please don’t respond if you’re just gonna ghost me. You’ll be waiting your time and mine.)
So if you wanna game and chill with a big ol nerd and play some video games (preferably FPS) then hit me up and a summary of you like age/sex and who you are as a person would would be very much appreciated!

My sister and I, both Dramione readers, have challenged each other to write a fic before the end of the year. Neither of us are creative writers 😬… My job sees me write investigative reports all day, and my sister is a scientific writer, so this is out of our usual wheelhouse.
My question to everyone is what are your pet peeves/hates, what do you look folove, in a story? This can be big or small, general themes or even single words that turn you off, side pairing you love, plot lines that are overdone etc. Before we get started any and all thought are appreciated, so let us know!
For example:
Hate:

• If I read “You’ll be the death of me” or “He/she released a breath they didn’t know they were holding” one more time I’ll pull my hair out.
  
• Ridiculous OOC reactions
  
• Exaggerated/too drawn out miscommunication.
  
• Slow burn that is practically backwards
  

Love:

• Adults being adults reasonable dialogue and behaviour in post war fics,
  
• Teens not acting like accomplished sex-gods in hogwarts fics 🙄.
  

Hi I’m Jake and I’m a 5,2 average build, 21 year old nerd from a small town in Queensland Australia
I am a complete homebody so I’ll probably be available most of the time and I have PC
Also a little bit of a furry. Just letting you know. Also also I do have ADHD but bot heavily, or atleast I think 😅. I definitely tend to have hyper fixations.
Also also I am an aspiring writeanimatoYouTuber. Emphasis on “Aspiring” because I have a tendency to over analyse a subject to death and the fact that if I do anything then it’s gotta be good!
My interests include but are not limited too
-Gaming (I love the classics like COD/Halo/Bioshock/dark souls/ all that stuff. And I’m a Xbox guy mostly but I’ll play anything as long as it’s fun!)
-Movies and shows ( marvel/DC/Transforms/pacific rim/a lot of war movies/star wars/star trek/How To Train Your Dragon/Fight Club/Heat/Doctor who/dragon ball/Naruto/Bo Jack Horseman/gravity falls)
-Animation both 2D and 3D
-Philosophy and psychology (I love learning about social economics and geopolitics)
-Military stuff (I’m from a military family on my dads side
-Vehicles (both land, air and sea)
-sports (Group B Rally for ever!)
-Writing (I’ve got a few stories)
-music (my favourites are Hanz Zimmer and John Williams) (also I have a tendency to think up entire stories when I listen to music and daydream) (I mostly prefer soundtracks and instrumentals)
food (I love cooking healthy!, specifically anything to do with spaghetti Bolognese!)
And much much more!
What am I looking for? Well I’m I’m looking for some honest and genuine long term friends (preferably around the same age as me) to hang out with and play games like halo/COD/ whatever. I want friends who I can rely on and be relied on and can confidently confide in. I also am fine with calling and chatting on discord and stuff.
(Please don’t respond if you’re just gonna ghost me. You’ll be waiting your time and mine.)
So if you wanna game and chill with a big ol nerd and play some video games (preferably FPS) then hit me up and a summary of you like age/sex and who you are as a person would would be very much appreciated!

Hi I’m Jake and I’m a 5,2 average build, 21 year old nerd from a small town in Queensland Australia
I am a complete homebody so I’ll probably be available most of the time and I have PC
Also a little bit of a furry. Just letting you know. Also also I do have ADHD but bot heavily, or atleast I think 😅. I definitely tend to have hyper fixations.
Also also I am an aspiring writeanimatoYouTuber. Emphasis on “Aspiring” because I have a tendency to over analyse a subject to death and the fact that if I do anything then it’s gotta be good!
My interests include but are not limited too
-Gaming (I love the classics like COD/Halo/Bioshock/dark souls/ all that stuff. And I’m a Xbox guy mostly but I’ll play anything as long as it’s fun!)
-Movies and shows ( marvel/DC/Transforms/pacific rim/a lot of war movies/star wars/star trek/How To Train Your Dragon/Fight Club/Heat/Doctor who/dragon ball/Naruto/Bo Jack Horseman/gravity falls)
-Animation both 2D and 3D
-Philosophy and psychology (I love learning about social economics and geopolitics)
-Military stuff (I’m from a military family on my dads side
-Vehicles (both land, air and sea)
-sports (Group B Rally for ever!)
-Writing (I’ve got a few stories)
-music (my favourites are Hanz Zimmer and John Williams) (also I have a tendency to think up entire stories when I listen to music and daydream) (I mostly prefer soundtracks and instrumentals)
food (I love cooking healthy!, specifically anything to do with spaghetti Bolognese!)
And much much more!
What am I looking for? Well I’m I’m looking for some honest and genuine long term friends (preferably around the same age as me) to hang out with and play games like halo/COD/ whatever. I want friends who I can rely on and be relied on and can confidently confide in. I also am fine with calling and chatting on discord and stuff.
(Please don’t respond if you’re just gonna ghost me. You’ll be waiting your time and mine.)
So if you wanna game and chill with a big ol nerd and play some video games (preferably FPS) then hit me up and a summary of you like age/sex and who you are as a person would would be very much appreciated!

Gender: Trust me, I would love to have the satisfaction of saying that my gender identity was easy to decipher, but it very much isn't. When I was a very small child, maybe around six or seven years old, I was playing with my toys, and then out of nowhere I got the super strong feeling that I was born in the wrong body, that when I was born, God had put me in a female body when he should’ve actually put me in a male body. I had always understood boys more than I understood girls; I believed myself to be an oy, but after I told my mother this feeling, we got into a one-sided heated argument with my mother. I decided to just identify as a tomboy, since her saying I was born a girl, so that's what I was, didn't change how I feel. When I was in sixth grade, I didn’t necessarily feel like a boy or a girl; I just felt super gender neutral, like I wasn’t anything at all; I was just a person, but at the beginning of high school, I began to feel super masculinely aligned again. As time went on, I felt a lot more genders; sometimes I feel like a man; sometimes I feel like a woman; sometimes I feel gender neutral; sometimes I feel completely genderless; and for a long time, I identified as genderfluid, but for the last three weeks, my gender has been suspiciously absent, and it’s actually starting to stress me out. Most of the time I feel masculine and gender neutral at the same time; sometimes I feel genderless but also feminine, but now I just feel absolutely nothing at all.
Sexuality: I forced myself to be attracted to people because I thought that's what I was supposed to do because all the other kids my age were being in love; I just became really good friends with my 'crushes' and never wanted to kiss, hold hands, or do more than just hang out; I never thought any of my classmates were attractive; if society deems someone attractive, then so do I; I never realize people are genuinely drawn to people they think are attractive and want to DO things with them; I think romance is gross when I see it IRL or between live-action people and think it should just stay in books or non-live-action media. I just think people of any gender presentation look pretty. Growing up, I developed a 'crush' on anyone who was nice to me; I had a crush on ALL my friends and just wanted to hang out with them a lot; I got super uncomfortable and my attraction faded when we became 'intimate' with me like holding hands or wanting to date; and I feel this towards ALL genders, so I thought I was pan. But inside my head is the only place I feel sexual and romantic attraction, and it's only between non-live action characters and is always experienced from a 3rd-person perspective. Love and sex are just a storyline to me; I feel the romantic and sexual emotions of the character I'm telling the story's perspective from, but once the storyline ends, so does my attraction. I have a libido; I still experience personal desires, but I find that they can be managed easily on my own. I feel very repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone else. But, when I do get aroused, it's sexual attraction to anyone of any gender, but again, it's viewed from the 3rd-person perspective. After the solo mumbo jumbo, the arousal and sexual attraction fade into nothing; I even get repulsed by sex and romance for a long while after solo spicy adventures. I genuinely don't understand how somebody looks at someone else and wants to touch them, kiss them, and have sex with them. It's always been "Oh, they're pretty!"; it's never been "Oh, they're pretty; I want to date/have sex with them!". When I was a kid, I was a hopeless romantic; I wanted to find my soulmate, but the way of doing that was unrealistic. It was more like a remix of a Disney movie rather than something I actually wanted. I saw other kids my age have crushes, and adults always asked me if I was going to get a boyfriend, so I always thought it was something I was supposed to want, but I don't. I'm fine with being single forever. I'm happy this way, but I also don't want to do anything with anyone, so I feel as though I'm somehow on both the a-spec and m-spec. I’m not sure how exactly. All I know is that I consider both men and women attractive, but I don’t necessarily care about their gender identity when it comes to finding them attractive or not. I honestly can't understand how someone wants to do romantic or sexual things with another person. I dated this one guy in my freshman year, and it only lasted a week, and I avoided him like the plague the whole time. I felt all mushy and blushy when we talked and did things together, but once we started dating, I got super uncomfortable. We texted, and I was a huge flirt, saying we could hold hands and all that stuff , but when I went to school and he wanted to hold hands, I didn't want that. I didn't like being touched in a romantic way. I'm fine with my friends, though. What's confusing is that, at the same time as never wanting or feeling romantic attraction, I still want to do those things. I literally only feel romantic and sexual attraction to fictional characters. Because I am attracted to [female OC] and [male OC] (currently speaking, not speaking about past fictional crushes). I always have the strongest desire to be with [female OC], touch her, kiss her, and do other things, but I don't feel those things in the real world. She is literally my soulmate. Yes, romance and sex are still just a storyline to me, but I would say that I am in love with her. And sometimes the same can be said for [male OC]. There are some moments where I, Rowan, will get blushy and just smitten over him, but again, it's never in the real world. Would this even be considered a romantic or sexual attraction? I think it would. It's very rare when I feel something for real-world people, but it's always on the a-spectrum, like cupioromantic or grey-, for example. The reason I think I have a gender preference is because my entire life I have only been introduced to boys and girls, and the only queer people that I see are online, and all of them are attractive regardless of their gender, but again, that’s only online. How do I know if I actually feel that in the real world? How do I know if this is even a romantic attraction or just an aesthetic attraction? @DannyPhantomexe and @_augustskyz_ are both hot as heck, and just seeing them on my For You page gets me giddy. I honestly don’t know how to explain this part (m-spec) any better. I was brought up in a ultra-conservative Christian family and community, so I’ve only ever been introduced to gender men and women, so I’ve only ever been attracted to men and women, but when I am online, I find everybody attractive, regardless of what their gender is. If they have an objectively pretty appearance, then I think they are pretty. Growing up, obviously, I was attracted to men, because that’s all I ever grew up thinking was OK, but I just remember seeing girls on TV and thinking that they were so pretty, wanting to hold hands with them, and wanting to snuggle and cuddle with them. but I just thought that meant I just wanted to be really good friends with them and wasn’t anything romantic. But knowing about the queer community nowadays, I would technically consider that romantic. Any ideas as to what this would be?
— Rowan (they/he)

Me (21 soon, F) and my now ex (M22) have been seeing and talking to each other for almost a year now. I really love him yet I feel he’s very emotionally and physically unavailable.

 I currently haven’t seen him in about a month do to him having family issues, yet before that when we would see each other things were just okay. For example I would crave him sexually and still do and I would always initiate sex. I can only remember him ever initiating sex once throughout our entire relationship. In the beginning things were amazing and thats why I feel i became so attached and fell for him so quickly, he would always give me compliments and reassurance yet those things started to decline. Before everything happened and we were seeing each other in person regularly he had been refusing to make out with me or kiss me, hug me, any sort of affection and his excuse would be that he’s just not affectionate. I admit I struggle with mental issues and haven’t always been in the best state which I feel has made him detach to me, but I almost feel like my outbursts have had something to do with his treatment towards me if that makes sense.. I know it’s not good to attach or rely on someone but I do feel like I tend to. He would continue to do things and say things that I would constantly tell him not to and just things like that. Throughout the relationship he’s always said that pussy and sex aren’t important to him and that he doesn’t need that, but for me it’s like a connection thing. It’s started to feel like he’s seeing someone else or even he’s trying to get me to leave? I feel selfish for asking him questions and “overthinking” yet I’m not getting reassurance to not think those things.. he’ll say that pussy isn’t important yet he won’t say “I only want you” it’s just started to get sketchy towards me. I love him with all of my heart and I feel like a complete dick for thinking badly of him or wanting to give up on things because he is going through a really hard time. Of course there’s a lot more to the story but I’m just not sure want to do. I ask him if he sees us being together in the future or if he still wants to be with me and he just responds with things like “time will tell”. Thank you for any advice.. I just feel like I’m not being treated how I deserve at this point but I really love him. 

I work out, I do sports, I walk over 10k a day, I’ve tried GLP-1 and nothing works. I’m a US size 8/10 but considered XL-4xxx where I live and it eats at my self-esteem. I’ve been doing intermittent fasting and OMAD but I feel like the results will be the same. I never seem to be able to move the needle much. Part of the problem is I probably only need to lose 20lbs and it’s very hard to budge the scale.
I have been successful in losing weight once, right before corona, I had gotten down to my high school weight and was so close to my goal weight but when the shutdowns happened, I gained it back. The reason I started losing weight because my partner at the time said my body type was not attractive and was the reason for our poor sex life (despite me losing weight from when we had started dating). I worked out 2-3 hours most days and barely ate throughout the day and that’s how I lost the weight so of course when I couldn’t exercise anymore, the weight came back. I know it wasn’t sustainable but I feel so angry at myself for letting the weight come back after what I had endured to lose it.
I’m scared to get intimate with men now and while I wish to one day have a relationship again, I feel like the superficiality of people terrifies me. A man I had dated for three years suddenly said that to me so it’s hard to believe people can truly love someone regardless of their size. I fear that no one will accept me if I don’t fit their acceptable size range. I feel like I’m being judged constantly. This makes me feel sad, angry, and like giving up but I do want to protect my health and enjoy my life without worrying about my weight.
Does anyone have any success stories of losing weight and keeping it off successfully after years of trying? I would really appreciate your advice 🥹

Please search any of the following mods on Nexus Mods - Fallout: New Vegas:
Working on the Chain Gang ESM-74958-2-1-1667158496"
WRP - Hotfix-38285-2-2-5-1590168045"
YUP - Base Game and All DLC-51664-12-9-1701436279"
0_80 Hot Fixes-37376-1"
01 T6M Natural Curvy Body (Nude) BB BNB-81346-1-5-3-1-1705542430"
45 Auto Submachine Gun Retexture - Honest Hearts-73064-1-1-1626897328"
360 Movement BNB Animations-75535-1-0-1652574707"
1911_v_1_dot_2-50184-1-2"
A Koch and Bohr Story v1-1-45886-v1-1"
a Smoke before the Storm-82578-2-0-1692819504"
A Thorny Situation v1-0-46048-"
A Wilder Wasteland v1-0-46158-v1-0"
A World Of Pain 6.94-38719-6-94-1685580176"
Afterglow -- LightBright Strip Overhaul Tweaks-83736-1-01-1700333095"
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AK47_v1_1-48392-1-1"
AKS74U_upd1-47648-1-1"
All Explosion Sounds Overhaul BSA and YUP Patch-66946-2-0-1581616735.1"
All-in-one-66955-1-1557788582"
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AWOP Dead Money 2.0-38719-2-0"
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Humping the Mojave v003-43773-v003"
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ISInertia v1.1-83648-1-1-1705167646"
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Jet Pack Effect for Aerial Assault Armor-50829-"
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JohnnyGuitarNVSE-66927-4-98-1701208963"
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KEYWORDS-83088-1-01-1695964898"
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LegionTerritoriesExpanded-68527-1-0-0-1584907535"
Level 100 and Perk Per Level-43055-1-3-1550210717"
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Lime's Fort Overhaul-73749-1-20-1632706091"
Live Dismemberment
Lucky 38 Suite Reloaded Version 4.8 ESM-55540-4-8"
M14_v1-48477-1-0"
M37 Ithaca v1_1-47457-1-1"
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I just found this subreddit today after feeling almost completely alone for the last 5 years. And because I’ve found it and because reading about everyone else’s stories has fulfilled a need so deep I don’t even know how to begin to explain, I’d like to share mine.
I’m 28, married for almost 5 years, and we’ve never achieved penetrative sex. My husband and I have both been Christians our entire lives and we both decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Almost all the other guys I’d been with before him were not virgins, but they knew I was waiting until marriage and so we never did anything more than touching/intense make out sessions. My husband and I never even saw each other naked until our wedding night, when, of course, we tried having sex for the first time.
Now, I was always pretty sure something was wrong with me. I was never able to get a tampon in, I tried going to get a Pap smear so I could be put on birth control for my horrible period pains and they weren’t able to perform the pap because I was in so much pain. I remember telling the NP I was a virgin and I’ve never put anything up there before but it’s almost like she didn’t believe me because she proceeded to shove the terrible plastic speculum right into me in one swift motion and my entire body trembled in pain, I was a sobbing mess, and she just said “oh we can’t complete the exam because it looks like you’ve started your period.” More like you broke my hymen, thanks. Tried again a month later and had another failed attempt. After that I was completely traumatized. I remember crying in the stirrups to the NP asking her how was I ever going to be able to have sex if it was that painful and she just said “sex is completely different, when you’re aroused you’ll be fine.” Wrong. That was in 2017. I got married in 2019 and didn’t attempt another Pap smear until 2022.
I was always open with my husband even before we were married that I had these issues and that I was worried what it would mean for us when the time came, so on our wedding night neither of us were surprised that we couldn’t have sex. And honestly, I think a big part of the reason it’s been almost 5 whole years and we still haven’t achieved full PIV is because we have such a great sex life even without it. Because we couldn’t have penetrative sex we got creative, adventurous, we focus on each other because we’re basically taking turns. We both always achieve orgasm. But there’s just always that part of me saying I’m broken, I’m not enough, he’s gonna get tired of this, he needs more, and any other girl could give that to him and I can’t. (Let me be clear- these are MY feelings, ones I’ve told my husband about and he could not feel more differently. He’s always assured me he is more than happy with where we are and would never want anyone else) But alas, the guilt still eats me alive telling me I’m not a real woman, I’m not a good wife, I’ll never be enough, and he deserves better. I’ve officially gotten to the point where I’m determined to make this happen for both of us, and I’ve gotten serious about my dilator usage with a specific goal in mind.
I purchased vaginal dilators (I use SoulSource) on my own after researching pain during sex. At first I couldn’t even get the smallest one in without pain (about the size of a pinkie finger). I tried having my husband help me use them but realized I need to be able to control the angle and speed on insertion for now. It was not fun. I’d go months in between even trying to use them. I was so ashamed, felt like a complete failure, but at the same time our sex life was great so I didn’t even want to bother with them. The shame took over more as the years went by. We can’t go on like this forever, I want this for both of us.
A few really important things happened that truly changed everything. This isn’t something I talk about with just anyone, but we do have some really great friends and family that know everything. I was talking with a really good friend of mine (who’s always been a bit of a sex fanatic) about how I think I don’t like using the dilators because of a mental block - like, it hurts, it’s awkward, I don’t know where I should be when I do it etc. She said “your vagina is a muscle, you’re just stretching it out. You’ve got to think of it like a workout” and as simple as it sounds, that’s what I really needed to hear. It changed my whole mindset, I realized I needed to do it routinely, for set periods of time, and I don’t need to be embarrassed (now before you say “well duh” remember I bought these dilators on my own, I didn’t trust the healthcare professionals anymore, so I was just winging it). I taught myself my routine. I listened to my body about when I could size up. I realized on my own that deep breathing helped and that once the size didn’t hurt anymore I should move it around and in and out. Nobody told me that shit. I did it by myself, for myself and my husband, and nobody else knew about all of this until I FINALLY decided to go try another Pap smear and found the most amazing NP in the world.
I sat in her office, cried, and told her everything about my previous Pap smear, how I still haven’t been able to have sex with my husband, how I’ve been using the dilators and. she. LISTENED. She did my pap with a juvenile sized speculum that was stainless steel and heated in a warming drawer and told me any time I go anywhere for a pap to call the office and make sure they have that or find somewhere that does. I got through the pap with MINIMAL pain. Then she did an internal exam with her finger, figuring out the spots that were the most painful. I was diagnosed with Vaginismus/Vulvodynia that day. It was the first day I felt seen, heard and validated.
I’d been slowly progressing with my dilators, trying to keep routine and falling out of habit, only ever able to get to size 6 out of 8 for over a year and now my husband and I are traveling to Iceland for our 5th wedding anniversary in two weeks and my goal is to have PIV while on our trip. I use the dilators every other day, I’m on size 7 out of the 8 Soul Source dilators and my husband is a little bigger than 8, but I believe we’ll get there. I’ve never felt this much hope in my journey so far, I’m so incredibly proud of my body and how far it’s come. Say a lil prayer for us if you got this far. I don’t care if nobody reads this because really, this is for me. I’m done being ashamed and I wanted my story out there, because reading everyone else’s really helped me.

I think it’s fine if you say curse words or something sexual in your act. No problem but where I live it’s literally all they do. Just foul language and sexual promiscuity claptor. There’s occasional non “cum, sex, anal” comedy but fuck you’re allowed to have a personal personality outside these things.
I feel like comedy at least where I live in Sacramento is just who can be the most degenerate.
Long story short, is it like this everywhere?

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

My wife and I have been married for 26 years and have been pretty happy. However, recently we have been fighting a lot. My wife dedicates herself to her work and it frequently interferes with our plans. For instance, we work at the same place and have lunch together. However, every day it is the same story, she puts me off for several hours, cuts our lunch short, or just doesn't show up at all. She is a counselor at a school and her reasoning is that if a student needs to see her then she puts that above all else. Everybody else in the school gets to take a 30 minute lunch, she almost never gets hers. As a result, I have stopped having lunch with her and go by myself. She does manage to go to Dr's appointments or Dentists during her lunch time and the students manage to survive without her. It is only when we get together that she needs to be there for her students. She says that it is her job and that is what is most important to her. In the past, I have been left sitting in parking lots for 45 minutes or longer waiting for her to leave work. Her excuse, students needed to talk. We worked in a different town from where we lived so we car pooled.
We have a very routine life and usually have sex only on the weekends. This is partly because of my fatigue but also because she stays up later than I because she has a Facebook addiction. She is usually excited, calling it "sex fest" weekend. Often our adult daughter calls last minute and asks her to babysit so she blows me off to go watch the grandchildren. Sex fest weekend turns in to a bust and usually leads to a fight.
My wife has a lot of anxiety and gets flustered when things go wrong. When the pressure is on, she will take her frustration out on me. Often telling me to "shut the F*!K up" or blaming me for what went wrong in her day. It almost always causes a fight. I have been reading religious books on how to be a good husband and I have tried applying some of the lessons but am having an extremely hard time. I have tried to exercise patience, not yell or respond to her abuse and be supportive but she usually pushes me to the brink and I lose my temper. Unfortunately, I tend to pout and give her the silent treatment. Early in our marriage we had a really bad fight and I ended up tipping her off of a couch and she hit her head on a table. I was horrified and vowed that I would never let things get physical again. To this day, I have never laid a hand on her, choosing to walk away and not talk to her until I am calm. Unfortunately, it takes me several days to calm down. She resents this and calls me "cruel and mean".
Our last fight, was over a complete misunderstanding, but once again ended with her yelling and telling me to "shut the F*!K up". I don't understand why she completely disrespects me and has such contempt for me. She feels that this behavior is totally acceptable. We discussed her total lack of respect for my time during lunch and she doubled down on "It is my job and it comes first." I tried to tell her what it was about her that upsets me but she denied everything and told me she doesn't feel like talking about it anymore. That is where we are today. Barley talking, she stays late at work, goes to our daughter's house for hours or just doesn't come home until late. She often gets in the car and takes off without telling me or my younger daughter where she is going. NO, I do not think she is cheating on me. She may be mean but she is not a cheater.
I am so close to calling it quits but for some reason still love her. It doesn't seem like she wants to spend time with me but wants to be married to me. When we do spend time together, she is always on her phone browsing Facebook or on her iPad playing card games. She seems to find any distraction to not communicate with me. She has asked me to go to counseling with her but I am skeptical. We tried that once and the guy was a complete disaster. The counselor was 3 times divorced and was a complete idiot. He actually caused more harm to our marriage than good. I am open to trying again but want to try this thread to see if anybody else has gone through something similar and has any advice.
I realize this sounds whiny and I am sure I will get some haters but I would really appreciate some advice.
Edit:
The guy that lol'd me and said that I can not expect 100% of her attention. You're right.

Me and my boyfriend got together near the beginning of this year, and have only been together for around three months. I've had a couple of boyfriends before him, and they were pretty healthy relationships; none of them ever put their hands on me with harmful intent, none of them ever got their heads turned or were disloyal. Just ended due to me moving away for university / moving to another town.
But this one, he does, (kind of?) he has never punched me, or slapped me, never directly hurt me. But he has done some pretty scary things. It started small, the first thing was a shove. A light shove when I was doing my makeup, it meant almost nothing to me. He apologised profusely and said it wouldn't happen again. I'm worrying because, at one point I could list all of the times he touched me in a harmful way. But now only the first instance and the worst instance stick out. It has happened so many times. The worst in my opinion was when I was sick, we were arguing, I was sitting up in bed with an ice lolly to soothe my throat. He grabbed it from me, squished it in his hand and threw it in my face. Then a little later, pulled me out of the bed and onto the floor because 'I wasn't listening to him'. I was just trying to go to sleep as I felt sick, and didn't want to continue the argument.
He always says that his reasoning for grabbing me, grabbing my phone, pulling me out of bed etc. is because I start arguments and never want to continue them. I do see what he means, I bring up something that bothers me and then I get scared when it gets heated, and so I back down, or try to stop talking about it. I realise the 'reassurance' I will get at the end of it isn't worth feeling afraid to get hurt, or pouring my heart out to someone who later will make fun of me with his friends. (I've seen messages of this happening, and now whenever I open up to him I feel so stupid. I struggle through it to communicate for the sake of saving the relationship. I love him, I don't want to start fresh. He is the only thing that makes this town feel like home, can you blame me?)
The main incidents I bring up are: him downloading Tinder and arranging to sleep with someone else after an argument (he responds with, I never went through with it, I thought it was over, even though we were still texting at the time, joking with eachother on good terms in my opinion). I also want to mention that this argument wasn't even an argument. He called me his ex's name and I got hurt, said I needed space and time to heal. My mindset the whole time was 'it will get better, we can get through this' and his seemed to be 'I'm going to sleep with someone else to hurt her'. And it worked. I'm so hurt. Whenever we have sex now I can't concentrate because I worry I'm not enough. I still do have sex with him, but I go to the bathroom or hide in bed and I cry afterwards. I can't get turned on, or wet, sex always hurts me because I just think about how he would throw me away in a heartbeat for a Tinder hookup. I cry when I see myself in the mirror, I used to love how I looked. I was popular in secondary school, sixth form and people tell me I am typically attractive, but nothing can explain the disgust I feel when I see myself now. I hate my hair, my face, my body. It wasn't enough to keep him loyal, to keep him from telling his girl bestfriend all of my family issues, to keep him from mocking me saying 'Did you get hit recently' referring to my bad relationship with my dad. It hurts me so badly, I'm sitting near him now, my eyes are watering and my heart is aching. I hate feeling this way.
But I don't want to leave him. I'm newly estranged, I have almost no friends left because I spend all of my time with him, and I'm just overall really down mentally. I also fear that, because of the Tinder situation, he will move on really quickly and forget all about me. I know he will talk about me in a horrible way with his girl best friend as I've seen these things happen before. I'm terrified, because I do love him a lot, I'm quite attached by this point. I don't want to break up because I'm scared of all of the horrible things he will say to people. People I will never be able to explain my side of the story to, people that see pictures of me and think, 'what a bitch, what an overbearing, exhausting bitch'. He knows so much about me, he knows about my childhood, my entire estrangement process, my family problems, my medical issues, I trusted him. I still trust him. But part of me knows this can't be good. The thought of him with someone else kills me. But I know straight after we break up he will be sleeping around, probably comparing me to these girls he meets. I know I never was his type, he constantly insulted me and my appearance. He told me I have weak hair, he uses 'white girl' as an insult when we argue, and he's said to his friends how he 'wants a Latina'. I know I'm not enough for him, but I know the pain of breaking up will crush me. I'm scared I won't come back from it. I know I won't move on fast, I won't even be able to love anyone for a long time. This is what scares me, if we break up, I feel like I'm losing someone I love, and I'll have to think of him sleeping with other people whilst I sit in my room, crying and listening to our playlist.

Hello everyone! I wanted to write and share something constructive for this space, that hopefully goes beyond snarking specific names and personalities and helps those who have been harmed in one way or another find a bit of understanding around what happened to them and why.
I've shared pieces of my story here before but the gist is: I am not from the coaching world. I'm from the general spirituality world - from a spiritual modality that has an aspect of divine feminine and divine masculine that has always interested me, but few others in the community. I learned about this whole specific mess listening to love & light confessionals, and went deep into the rabbit hole. The perversion of understanding of masculine/feminine energy dynamics was horrifying but also enlightening. I'm big on learning how NOT to be from people who give me the major ick. This is why I've done a lot of deep diving in general on cults, gurus, and manipulative spirituality in general - and there's a lot to take away if you can go in with this mindset. I'm also hella autistic and love infiltrating niche internet subgroups whose experiences are much different than mine so I can - again - learn from the experieneces of others, and gain more empathy and understanding of the vast human experience.
I was a very forward facing person for the nonprofit I volunteered for for over 4 years. There was no "guru" that I supplicated, however there was a person formally in charge who abused their power and the willingness of others to help the organization, and was known to be cruel in private, when it suited them. I didn't see this person as above me - in fact in a lot of ways they were quite pitiful and needed a lot of help/support in their role - which is what I did, willingly and for practically free. At one point, the entire org sat down and did a call in of this person, however, they were able to push everyone that they couldn't control out of the way and rewrote the story with themselves as the victim (we all know this one). The final falling out happened at the end of 2019, so luckily for them Covid gave them some time to figure out how to run their events without me (they hired a paid staff).
Anyway, I gave many many hundreds of hours to this cause, and then the person in charge was able to take advantage of me and then push me out of the community I had served very seriously for 6 years with rumors that I had been trying to steal money. This is so far beyond the truth, and everyone involved directly knows this, but no one came to dispell the rumor. So, I've been heartbroken by supposedly "spiritual" leaders of a community, that's for sure. In fact listening to Katya was part of the cult deprogramming that me and a group who had left together went through (this group also used, abused, and betrayed me but that's another story!)
So, this isn't going to be about me, I just wanted to share my background. This is about what the divine feminine and the divine masculine "REALLY" are. This may get a bit woo in here but I can't imagine anyone here is afraid of woo. In fact it's the mystery of the spiritual experience that allows these people to cause so much harm. So let me try to remove some of that mystery.
The creation is polarized, in many ways. One of those ways is masculine/feminine. The masculine force is the will, the conscious mind, and that which puts the infinity of possible experience into order. It in and of itself is quite fallible. The feminine force is the subconscious mind - all that is - and the untapped potential of this reservoir. The masculine reaches for the feminine, and if the will (masculine) is properly configured, the unmanifest creation (feminine) will give him something in return. The masculine NEEDS the feminine but the feminine doesn't really NEED the masculine, however it does desire the masculine's attention being focused it its direction (instead of random mundane wordly experiences). And the feminine wants the masculine's attention consistently, lest the feminine will not be consistent at all in its response. This attention can be forceful or gentle, but it must be consistent.
Every human has a balance of masculine/feminine energy in them, and while women are socially conditioned to tend towards feminine expression and men towards masculine, biological sex really has very very little to do with it. There are of course, positive feminine expressions and negative, and positive male expressions and negative. What these polarity goons do is mostly focus on a mix of positive/negative masculine expression for the man, 0 female expression, and then only positive feminine expression for the woman with maybe, possibly, a bit of positive masculine expression (only during working hours when you're in seperate offices, and only if you're paying the bills, ofc)
Typically, we are attracted to partners who "balance" out our spiritual energy - so the "polarization" in a relationship can be anywhere from hyper masc/hyper femme to barely masc/barely femme - and again, this is NOT a hard and fast rule and has almost NOTHING to do with sex other than a general (mostly cultural) bias. The hyper femme/hyper masc scenario can definitely be more, well, exciting and dramatic than a relationship between two people who have very little polarized charge in that way between them. But that's likely why few of these polarity gurus have any experience in longevity of relationships - they are fueling their "twin flame" relationship with manufactured drama and trauma bonding. In reality, in a relationship, you are supposed to grow together and be more willing to meet each other where you are at in the moment, instead of demanding they be a near perfect idealized form before you offer them any attention/respect.
The reason these male teachers push polarity doctrine is literally because of their own wounding of the expression of the masculine/feminine. Men (especially USian men) have been taught that expressing any aspect of their feminine selves is repulsive and weak and probably gay. So, their solution to their own inability to be vulnerable is to attack women - for being "too masculine" - aka some balanced expression of both, normal! They want their women to be 100% pure unformed childlike energy with no will of their own, just a will that can be given to the man. They want them to embody this feminine space as close to 100% of the time so that they are forced into their masculine 100% of the time. Girlies, if you are in your masculine, this makes them feel more in their feminine and - gosh that's just icky and disgusting. You don't want your man to get a boner for you when you're in the masculine - that might make him GAY! In the very least it's totally beta to be attracted to a masculine woman and basically gay anyway. No thanks!
I'm sorry to be facetious, but this is in general a lot of the subconscious and even sometimes conscious thought processes behind these hyper polarity relationships. These are not evolved, embodied people. These are people who are still very invested in the old fashioned human status quo that has served them for a long time. We had the thread a few weeks back with the Desire on Fire lady (ugh her name escapes me) talking about how her husband had to "put her in her place" for being "too masculine" and how he really just "didnt want her" when she was in her masculine, when she was literally just running her business. Masculine wounding almost ALWAYS shows up as men being jealous of women being better at them in their own field - or really successful publicly at all - and this is why women STILL have a hard time breaking into male dominated spaces. We are systemically kept out because men die inside when they feel inferior to women. They were told this wasn't supposed to happen!!!! In fact, the person who spiritually abused me was a man - I see now how he "kept" me as a pet because of my high standing in the community. But this meant I was still firmly below him in certain ways - a much more comfortable place for me to be, someone who challenged him on his "expertise".
This polarity movement is taking a true spiritual concept and distorting it just to set women back. They don't want you to have an opinion or agency - other than "me want money" and "me want sex". They want you to play on Instagram all day and recruit ladies for them to sexually assault at your joint "retreats". They want you to only feel valued if you're made up and dressed up and "desired" by men. None of this internalized self worth stuff, only external male validation is allowed. Ladies, if any of you reading this are with some sort of this type of man, please, I beg you, choose the bear. This is the type of man who leaves you as soon as your body culminates too many signs of being aged. They are entitlted to a specific cartoon image of what they think a "woman" is, and sadly this culture has made young women INCREDIBLY easy to manipulate, so finding another partner is often quite easy for older men. It's all by design.
Here's another spiritual truth that is often obscured: One of the polarities of divinity is the left hand path and the right hand path. The left hand path is the path of control, wealth, using others, egocentrism, etc. The right hand path is about acceptance, generosity, helping others, and sacrifice. The middle path is a path with little to no power - it's the path of comfort, the path most people are on.
When one walks the middle path - i.e. has not really begun to truly develop their spiritual side - they do not yet have spiritual discernment. What happens when they come across someone who has been using spiritual principles to "build their wealth/power" is that they see someone with a spiritual light - and this isn't super common on social media. When we're hungry for it, we're like a moth to the flame. That's why they always know they'll be another mark. The problem then is when we don't have discernment, we cannot tell which "hand" the light is coming from, and often it's very easy to confuse the left hand for the right and vice versa. For instance, I am giving up a large part of my day to write this purely to help others in this community - Carly or MAL or someone might stumble upon this and see it as "evil". But that's because they see the light, but to them it's against their light, so I'm the evil one. But all I'm trying to offer is freedom of mind, and they're mad because they want your bag, and this is dependent on you being confused and them keeping a crumb of clarity behind a paywall. 💰
Now, some of these girlies are walking the "left hand path" a lot better than the others. I dont know many coaches beyond those talked about here, but I would say someone like MAL has a pretty firm grasp on who she is - a scam artist, a liar, and a user. She's always making up stories and whatnot - she's a pathological liar. She will do anything to get her way. This is pretty serious when you've been behaving this way for years and years. Her image is very rigid and polished, and despite showing up unprepared and offering word salad to her paying persons, her "outer circle" (social media feed etc) is much more curated than most of the other coaches I've seen. She's at the top of the pyramid so she has a huge amount of control and influence. If she cracks someday, we'll see it, and usually people struggle to return to the top once they falter. I'm sure she's already showing some signs of paranoia, which is the first sign a high control person is starting to become unhinged.
Then there are the messier girlies, like Carly, and Karen who has recently been more thoroughly exposed here. These ladies show up very vulnerable to social media, and often are struggling with illness - as someone has said here before, Carly's early coaching gigs were about health and dealing with chronic illness, until she realized that space wasn't sexy or profitable. I'm not saying this is the root of all illness, but transient illness can be a sign of a spiritual mismatch in intentions/action - especially with these people who claim to be "healers" or adjacent to that space. You have to walk your talk, or your body begins to show your hypocrisy. There is a part of these ladies who feel they are truly "helping the planet" and get confused internally when the reaction of their "offers" isn't for people to fall down at their feet worshipping them. This is why they say stuff like "wealth is a mindset!" and other magical thinking - most of them have lived privileged lives and have never been "out" of abundance. They think their "luck" is a carefully curated vibration that they can rub off on others. And like, while I believe that being in the vibrations of someone who is more spiritually mature can help "elevate" someone - these people are playing with spiritual practices and, while seeing some results, truly have no clue what they are talking about and dealing with. People who truly understand manifestation, whether left or right hand, are not busting their ass all day on Instagram trying to recruit lukewarm clients for peanuts. Carly tries SO HARD to sell that all of her work is "easy" and she can "take a walk in the middle of the day!" and not work while she's bleeding and whatnot. But girl, you're hustling and thirsty all over Insta all day every day - this is not abundance, this is not wealth and gratitude, it's giving "big empty black hole in my soul that will never be filled except with more money" energy, babe.
Then there are the girlies like xogingy and The Content Queen whose whole brand seems to be just being a mess all over the place. This sells because it makes people think "well I'm messy maybe I can be messy and rich/successful" but the mess for these girls is much more embraced and embodied than with the prim types like Carly and Karen, who want to be pure luxe and sexy and divine feminine perfection. But the luxe and sexy types are really doing the recruiting for their sexual in-person retreats (or clothing optional zooms) because they're just mega horny all the time (which - btw - is another sign of spiritual imbalance)
And that's the thing - being horny all of the time means your energy body is JACKED. It's not a sign of a free flow of creative energy to crave sex all of the time. Of course a major aspect of this is the sexual magic - yes, there is magic in sex, and I think it's where these folks get most of their magic, because they follow left hand sexual magic practice exclusively (control BDSM). They do play rapes (and borderline real rapes and, in some cases, actual real rapes on their clients/partners), orgasm denial, humiliation, pain rituals - all stuff that truly, objectively, isn't good for the soul. And notice how it's almost always one sided - the male being in total control of the female - though, Carly's substack did have a story about how they did a "role reversal" where she raped/humiliated him and that was um, something I read. 😳 But generally it's the women's job to always be turned on and "dripping wet" and whatnot, so that when her masculine partner gets a boner she's ready for him to slide it in. And then that's always the best sex, the sex that you "surrender" to.... On the contrary, sex between "right hand" practitioners tends to leave both partners feeling quite satisfied and sated - heck, even if only one happens to orgasm! Whereas control oriented sex often has orgasm denial which intentionally leaves the person craving more.
All this is to say, no one should feel guilty for being duped, or conned, or confused, even still. Almost all of these people have weaponized spiritual concepts in some ways and are wielding them with the intention to separate you from your money. They actually do have something that works. But they will NEVER sell you the whole story. And the fact is, this experience likely did happen to you because your soul was aching for some sort of uplevel - or initiation. It's just that initiation rarely looks like getting what we want. MAL et al makes it look like initiation is giving a rich lady 5 figures, popping a bottle of champagne, and roleplaying as that rich lady to which you just gave all that money (or at least, roleplaying as her social media feed). But if you're truly in it for the soul, your experience is going to help you uncover your soul. And part of uncovering our souls at this point in time seems to be having some serious spiritual trauma. And I know some people here probably only did this as "playing around" and not serious and unfortunately, playing with spirituality can be can be dangerous in and of itself. These is not to victim blame at all. It just is the nature of the spiritual path that it may growl and bite at you to test your growth. It's not just a sexy pleasure party 24/7, unless you want to step on a LOT of people to get there.
Anyway, this is very long and I'm not sure it's going to even fit into a reddit post at this point. But I just wanted to share some of the spiritual insights I've had over the years (been on my spiritual journey for over a decade at this point). I don't know it all, but I do know that I live with a general peace of mind that I wish I could sell in a coaching package or voxer group. But I can't/won't do that. So I'll keep to my lifelong duty of making longwinded, mega autistic posts on internet forums that might help a few people orient to a less painful or confused frame of mind, free of charge.
But on that note, before I finish, I'll offer my general spiritual advice: Firstly, take a short time every day to do some sort of sitting/meditation. Learning how to quiet the mind is a skill, and it's the first skill required to learn discernment. Once we can quiet the mind, we can start to learn which thoughts are our own and which thoughts we have absorbed from others - and if you haven't begun this process yet, you may be surprised to find out that the vast majority of your thoughts are actually just society, family, teachers, social media, advertising, etc etc, repeating in your mind and taking up valuable real estate. This is the real hurdle to "manifestation" - clearing away all the false desires that get in the way of our true desires. Subsequently, learning about chakras and tuning into my energy body has also given me a good base for insight and clarity that comes from within my own body.
Secondly, just try to think of others before yourself more often than not. Don't justify manipulating people for your own benefit. Oneness means you treat others how you want to be treated - in a gentle, and nurturing way. When we harm others, especially from a spiritual place, we perpetuate harm, and therefore accept that potential harmful treatment of ourselves. Treating others sincerely with reverence and respect, and setting boundaries so that we don't allow people to treat us with disrespect, is how we generate a reality that treats us with reverence and respect by default. A lot easier said than done, but it is possible.
Love and light to you all.

Hi, (Female, 17) here. My sister (21, Female).
When I was younger, around 12 - 13, I had a pretty good relationship with my older sister, we'll call her Sam.
Sam and I were very close, we shared hobbies and got along perfectly fine. But around the time I turned 14-15, Sam changed drastically.
I started noticing it with her body language. She started looking at me with disgust. She no longer enjoyed hanging out with me and would always make up an excuse to ditch me. I could tell our relationship changed but I wasn't sure why.
It got worse over time. Sam would picked fights and called me horrible names. The ones used most often are "Conceited, selfish, b*tch." I hadn't changed, I still acted the same, I still loved the same things as I did when I was 12. She got very personal and hurtful with the insults. She made fun of my hair, my voice, the way I walked. She made it clear that she didn't like anything about me anymore. It hurt a lot and I felt alone for a while. When I entered high-school, I made more friends and really enjoyed their company. I feel like they helped turned me into a more confident and happier version of myself.
Sam didn't really talk to me around this time but one day, I woke up to her screaming about me to my mother early in the morning. This came as a shock because we hadn't spoken or even fought prior to this. It was totally random. She told my mother that she didn't want to be near me, how she hated me and I was a stupid c*nt. It sounded like she was in tears when she was screaming this. That's how I knew this hatred she had for me was real. She told my mother she was going to physically attack me and beat me up. Of course, everyone thought she was bluffing but it turns out she wasn't. She attacked me about 3 times. Luckily, someone was always there to pull her off of me. Sam was bigger than me. She was taller and weighed more so of course she overpowered me. It was absolutely terrifying to have someone who you always loved and trusted, completely turn on you and try to hurt you.
Eventually things calmed down. Sam got a job and was finally socializing outside of our family. She didn't go to school so she had all the time in the day to do anything but unfortunately spent it making my life a living hell. She made me extremely insecure about myself but around 15 - 16, I gained my confidence back and tried to ignore everything she said to me.
My other older sister, we'll call Veronica, was talking to this guy, who she really liked, and I noticed Sam would flirt with him a lot. As time went on, Sam managed to steal this guy from Veronica and they started dating. This absolutely BROKE Veronica. She had to watch her sister and her ex bf dating, kissing, and flirting in front of her. Every time Veronica was near them, Sam would have this smug smile on her face and rub it in Veronica's face. I was so pissed for Veronica. Sam ended up getting her karma and the guy broke her heart. Now every time Veronica is talking to or seeing a guy, Sam always asks if she can meet him or go out with them together and Veronica won't let her. I can't blame her. Sam is sneaky and if she's not flirting with Veronica's boyfriend, she's trying to embarrass her.
I notice Sam tries to embarrass me a lot. When we're out in public setting, she'll always say something obnoxiously rude. She tells everyone I'm shy when I'm really not. I'm actually the most bubbly in the family. I just don't say anything around her cause I'm uncomfortable and I don't want her to embarrass me. She tells everyone I'm a conceited diva and she makes herself seem humble and down to earth. The other day we were out with some family members that we hadn't seen in years and Sam was taking pictures of the view and I was watching her take the photos and she looked at me and yelled "ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE REFLECTION OF MY CAMERA" and I explained to her that I couldn't see myself because the camera was flipped and I was just watching the photos be taken. Usually I don't defend myself or explain, I'd just laugh things off but this time, I was sick of her making me look like a concieted b*tch to people so I made it clear she was misunderstanding and I could tell she didn't like this. She snarled and stormed off. It got pretty awkward after that and everyone was confused about why she was saying that to me.
Sam ended up getting a boyfriend. I didn't like him so I stayed away but she would always bring him over even though he treated my family like crap. He called my dog ugly, he never thanked my grandma for cooking them dinners, and he ignored my other family members. He would come over and flop on the couch like a beached whale. I couldn't tell him to leave so I hid in my bedroom. I found out from him that Sam was sharing a lot of me and my family's personal business. Things like, money, drama, lawsuits, and issues we were having within the family that were NOT supposed to be discussed for fun. She shared EXTREMELY private things and this broke my family's trust with her. Everyone tried to keep things secret from her out of fear that she'd tell people she knew. Sam shared me and another family member's sexuality with her friends and boyfriend. I told Sam that I was not ready to tell my parents yet because they weren't big supporters of that kind of stuff. She now holds this over my head and hints about it to my parents. She doesn't do this to my other family member even though they aren't out either, she only uses this again me.
One time my Sam got drunk and told me that her and her boyfriend had sex where I sleep. She thought this was absolutely hilarious and I was so pissed. I had never felt such anger and betrayal. She also made a few sexual jokes about me to her boyfriend which left me feeling disgusted so I'd rather not discuss those.
Sam is almost 22 now and she's still living with us. She doesn't have a job and she doesn't help much with chores. She plays on her phone all day or watches TV. I'm working 3 days a week and finishing school but Sam tells me that I do nothing all day and I need to do more with my time. She also told me I shouldn't be allowed to finish high-school because she never did, even though she didn't want to finish and dropped out by choice. I tried to explain to her that I really want to finish high-school and save up money for college but she thinks I don't deserve to.
She stills says horrible things to me like "you have no future, you'll still be sitting on your ass in your parents house when you're 30." She also told me that she hopes I can't have kids because I'd be a terrible selfish mother. She steals my food and shames my interests.
I miss the sister who loved me back. I don't know who she is now and I don't know why she thinks we're in competition.
Please share your thoughts on my story and let me know if you've dealt with similar issues! 💛

This post is a bit long, but I would appreciate your opinion because this situation is making me lose my mind.
Last year, I (27M) reconnected with my ex-girlfriend (26F). We had broken up the previous year because I caught her walking with a guy who had feelings for her, as she had told me. I ended the relationship because I thought it was unethical and especially because she wasn't responding to my calls while she was with him, claiming she didn’t hear her phone.
After breaking up with her, I moved abroad for a career opportunity. The first few months were incredibly difficult because I felt so alone and isolated, and I missed intimacy and sex, to be honest. I checked her LinkedIn for updates because I missed her so much. She sent me an Instagram invitation and uploaded a story of her new cat, who was named after me (weird, but I liked it). We started talking again, and eventually met last month and had a great time together.
Since she was confused about where this was going, and because I am madly in love with her, we discussed the possibility of getting married and her moving here with me. I didn't want her to feel that we were just "wasting time."
However, she has been acting weird lately. She disappears every day for a whole week from 9 p.m. until morning, saying she was sleeping and very tired. Sometimes she disappears for four hours without me knowing where she is. As I write this post, she told me today that she was going out to eat with a friend, and she came back at 11 p.m. after disappearing for two hours. She told me she was home and asked if I felt like she had disappeared, to which I said no. She then proceeded to disappear for the whole night, sending me an awkward "babe?" message in the middle of her disappearance. I tried to call her via WhatsApp to make sure she was okay, but the phone was ringing and she didn’t pick up.
This situation is driving me crazy. She often jokes about wanting to be a MILF, not wanting to have kids, and that she would like me to cheat on my future wife with her, but she always makes these comments as a joke.
I don’t know if I should trust my gut. I am a very anxious person, so most of the things I fear (in this case, that she is doing something suspicious) don’t usually happen. So I don’t know if I am misjudging the situation.
What do you think, guys?