Teacher no bra

From the ages of 10 to 16, I identified as a trans guy. I was very outspoken about it, very masculine, did everything I could do raise awareness about transgender people.
I became a published author (within my city) writing about my experiences as a trans highschooler, I gave a speech to all of the teachers at my school, I worked with the principal to figure out how to make the school more trans-friendly.
Within all of this, I lost myself. I became so invested in trans activism that I never took a step back to ask what I wanted. But here are some of my biggest red flags, personally:

1. I never had any bottom dysphoria

My dysphoria was all centered around my boobs and hips. I have been pretty overweight for the better part of my teenage hood after recovering from a restrictive ED (currently losing it all the healthy way).
I never felt any significant discomfort with my genitals. I packed, but it didn't make me feel anything. I just remember hating the feeling of something rubber between my legs.

1. I only had female friends

This is a very subtle sign and definitely doesn't apply to everyone— just because you're a trans guy with a lot of female friends, doesn't necessarily indicate that you're doomed to detransition.
But I only had (and still have) female friends. All of my best friends were girls. Guys didn't want anything to do with me, and I didn't want anything to do with them. I could relate to girls so much more, I've always liked guys (identifying as a gay male) and we talked about boys a lot.

1. My dysphoria was inconsistent

Everyone once in a while, I'd have these days where I liked my body. Especially when taking progress pictures in the gym, I remember this one time I was in my bra and sweatpants. I took a picture and thought "wow I look hot", which was weird at the time because of my clearly feminine body.

1. There were no signs during my childhood

Apart from the fleeting "what if I were a boy", I never had any real signs of being trans. I was fine with dresses, though I didn't like makeup and slowly grew out of hyper-femininity as I tried more gender-neutral clothing and hair. Which brings me to the next point:

1. I had to nit-pick my childhood to justify being trans

During middle school, my friend group was only boys and I refused to talk to other girls. This was probably because they were all skinny and pretty and I was chubby, flat-chested and insecure. I declared this as a clear sign I was meant to be a boy and pretty much rolled with it.

1. I always felt the need to validate my trans-ness

This especially manifested with my involvement in transmedical spaces. I was a hardcore truscum for a while (on the more extreme side) and used this to validate myself, telling myself my dysphoria was debilitating and I was one of the real ones because I was truscum.
I would constantly nitpick my childhood and look past bigger things to use it as a "gotcha"... e.g I wanted hot wheels when my brother was born. My parents bought him hot wheels which he never used (he was more interested in buttons and coins, we found out quickly he was autistic lol) and the hotwheels became mine.
Hotwheels = boy, right? Sigh.

1. The parts of my body I hated were from being overweight

My hips. If you know me, you know how much I hate my body and hips. Unless I'm wearing high-waisted pants, I have a huge muffin top. This was obviously exacerbated by being 160 pounds at 5'5... but all I wanted was smaller hips.
And in-shape men have small waists with little fat on their hips (and that beautiful V-taper). Of course I told myself I wanted it. I still do want a small waist and a V-taper. Just in a female way.

1. I had (a lot) of trauma

When I genuinely think back to my childhood, my parents tried their best but it wasn't the very best childhood.
I genuinely do love my dad but he was quite often emotionally absent and has always struggled with anger issues. I have many memories during my childhood of him doing borderline abusive things when getting upset... throwing things, breaking things, punching things until his knuckles bled, screaming so loud everyone could hear.
He's slowly getting better but once I came out, the rift between us only grew.
I began to turn to my teachers at school (especially my male teachers) as a way to cope with my daddy issues. And the teachers never questioned my identity because it wasn't their job to; so I found my safe space. And of course I was going to keep identifying as trans, it felt like home around these teachers.
These were all of the major signs. What about you guys? What were your major signs?

AITA because I didn't drive my friend to work, even though I wasn't busy?
I (34f) have had a friend (35f) for decades . We'll call her Mary.
Mary and I met in school. We were best friends. When her dad passed away suddenly in high school I dropped everything to help. Attended the wake, helped at the service, cleaned up the hall after. I sent her cards and care packages on the anniversary for years after.
I also became closer with her family since my parents were both neglectful and abusive. I didn't move in or anything but her mom took me bra shopping for my first bra, took me on family vacation once, and helped plan a baby shower for me.
I, in turn, did my best to show up for her. I was there helping at her grandmother's funeral,I visited her mom to help around the house, I pulled a load of poison oak out of her yard (Mary didn't help), I helped both of them haul out moldy carpet when their basement flooded... You name it. They also made sure to attend my family events (my kids' birthdays).
But then a few years ago her mom died, and it felt like Mary completely stopped reciprocating. I understand that it is hard to lose your parents (mine aren't in the picture), but I'm a single mom and a teacher, and she never seemed to show up when I needed help. Not at my grandparents' funerals, not when I moved out and got divorced, not when I needed help recovering from surgery (though she did drop me off at the hospital, which I genuinely appreciated).
She also became more needy and demanding, and if I didn't respond to every social media post and message she would guilt trip me. Conversations always revolved around her problems, and if I ever talked about mine she'd essentially say that it was my fault. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells.
Finally, I told her I needed some space, because I felt like the dynamic was not healthy.
A few weeks later, though, she called to ask for a ride to work, as her car wouldn't start. Normally? I would have dropped everything. But this time I didn't.
My reasons:
1) She lives an hour away from me (one way), and ten minutes from her work
2) She has and uses Uber, which would have cost less than my gas to come get her
3) She makes twice what I make (and has no kids), so what would have been a small amount to her was a lot to me
4) She owns two cars, but keeps letting the registration lapse on the one that used to be her mom's
5) When I had a car accident that left me without transportation for a month, she never offered help, even though she had a whole second car gathering dust in her driveway. I know I'm not entitled to her help, but it definitely hurt.
A friend of mine whose judgement I respect told me IATA and should have driven her, but I feel that I was finally enforcing boundaries in a relationship that was very lopsided.
So, AITA?

sorry for the many mistakes, english isn't my first language
i've been having suicidal thoughts since i was 12, i was diagnosed with depression when i was 15 and now i'm 18. and after therapy and meds i feel worse than ever.
when i first started feeling the way i do, i had no one to talk to. i didn't see a lot of support for people with mental illness, especially for people young as me, so you can imagine how happy i was when i saw people talking about it, being open about being sick, but i feel like maybe we ""normalized"" it wayyy to much.
now everything is like "you're sad sometimes? you're probably depressed", "you can't pay attention to a lecture you hate? its adhd for sure" or "you are a bit awkward around ppl you don't know?? you're acoustic🤣" and "omg this homework is so hard i'm gonna kill myself" and that pisses me off sm.
a good example was the girl saying that bed rotting was a trend, and people showing their "bed rotting" weekend when they were just in bed reading a book instead of going to parties.
because of that, i tend to keep things to myself. i never told my friends all the things that happened to me, all the terrible thoughts i have every single day at every single time, or how many times i thought about killing myself and stopped because i didn't want to hurt my parents (or how i'm so depressed these last few months that not even that seems to be enough for me to stay here) cause i was afraid they were gonna think i was saying these things cause it was trendy, when i actually felt like that since i was almost a child.
the only times i tried to, i heard one of friends of like 9 years say that "i should stop being depressed cause thats not as cool as it seems" and another friend say "being like lana del rey all the time it's not fun anymore" and that hurts me so, so, so bad.
i wasn't ever planning on telling them EVERYTHING, cause it feels wrong to put all that wheight on their shoulders, but they knew i was/am sick and that shiuld be enough for them to believe me.
last year, i started to stay at home and miss school more and more cause i could barely get out of my bed, i could barely shower. i wasn't even changing myself, i went everyday using the clothes i slept in cause i didn't have the strenght to like change my bra or socks, and my best friend at the time (who btw was diagnosed with depression at the beggining of the year, who i sent cakes and films and gave all my support to during the time) stopped talking to me because i didn't care about my grades. i was taking sleeping pills when i got back home because being awake was a lot more than i could handle, and she wanted me to give a fuck about my tests?? (all the teachers, INCLUDING HER MOTHER, and the principal knew about my how i was. it was not like they were pressuring me or anything so why would she care?)
it's just tiring to have to deal with this. and i've seen a LOT of neurodivergent people or people with mental illness say the same thing.
today i saw a man saying they wanted a depressed gf??? and i've seen guys talk about having a girl with bpd because they're sooo crazy🤪 and i just want to shoot everyone who does that or call themselves autistic because they sometimes don't know how to talk to strangers.

My 10 month old son has been showing self-weaning behaviors for about two months now. Shorter nursing sessions, wanting more time between nursing sessions, and eventually whittling our sessions down to just the morning. Regardless, I pump through the day to replace sessions or when I’m at work. Even still, my body has been responding and I went from nursing all day successfully or pumping 25 oz a day to just 4 oz.
We always combo fed just “because”, but whenever he had formula I would pump. However, that actually helped my build a stash for when I went back to work this past October so I’m grateful he’s just fine on formula.
As of this week, he no longer wants to nurse. He has always been very prone to nursing strikes, usually when teething (and he has 8 teeth😅), but this time it’s different. He’s just done. He is even starting to want bottles less often too, but we always makes sure he gets enough milk. The boy LOVES food. He LOVES water. He loves all the finer foodie things in life and he’s vocal about it.
I know it’s rare for babies this young to self-wean but he has demonstrated every symptom and my body has responded accordingly. I am making less each day despite all attempts to do the opposite. It is what it is and I’m done fighting what’s happening naturally. And I’m REALLY done pumping 4-5 hours a day to make half of a bottle. It’s exhausting.
It makes me sad because, although my initial goal was to breastfeed for 6 months…once I got there I was going SO strong! So I made a new goal…one year. And up until a month ago, I thought I would make it. But since my period came back, my supply has plummeted. No amount of pumping, supplements, or water was changing it. My son also found a love for the new things nourishing him.
Every time I drop a pump, I cry a little bit. I don’t even remember the last time I nursed him because I didn’t think it would be the final time. I would have cherished that moment just a little more…but he’s done and he’s made it abundantly clear.
A part of me feels like I’m failing since I didn’t meet my goal of one year. But also…I am SO proud for making it 10.5 months in. I truly valued and adored that nursing relationship with my baby. I loved comforting him at night, healing him when he was sick, feeding him in funny places like Disneyland and Rodeos…I managed to maintain a full nursing and pumping schedule despite returning to work when he was 3 months old. Mind you, I’m a choir teacher so I travel a LOT so this was no easy feat.
I’m trying to feel proud and grateful when so many struggle to get this far. But I’m also mourning this relationship shift with my baby who is slowly turning into a full on kid right before my eyes…opinions and ALL!
I look forward to having my bodily autonomy back, wearing a normal bra, and finally losing the last of this baby weight my body has been holding onto to feed this guy. I will feel better in time but for now I guess I will just feel my feelings.
Good luck to you all and thank you for helping me in my journey, as well. 💖

My 10 month old son has been showing self-weaning behaviors for about two months now. Shorter nursing sessions, wanting more time between nursing sessions, and eventually whittling our sessions down to just the morning. Regardless, I pump through the day to replace sessions or when I’m at work. Even still, my body has been responding and I went from nursing all day successfully or pumping 25 oz a day to just 4 oz.
We always combo fed just “because”, but whenever he had formula I would pump. However, that actually helped my build a stash for when I went back to work this past October so I’m grateful he’s just fine on formula.
As of this week, he no longer wants to nurse. He has always been very prone to nursing strikes, usually when teething (and he has 8 teeth😅), but this time it’s different. He’s just done. He is even starting to want bottles less often too, but we always makes sure he gets enough milk. The boy LOVES food. He LOVES water. He loves all the finer foodie things in life and he’s vocal about it.
I know it’s rare for babies this young to self-wean but he has demonstrated every symptom and my body has responded accordingly. I am making less each day despite all attempts to do the opposite. It is what it is and I’m done fighting what’s happening naturally. And I’m REALLY done pumping 4-5 hours a day to make half of a bottle. It’s exhausting.
It makes me sad because, although my initial goal was to breastfeed for 6 months…once I got there I was going SO strong! So I made a new goal…one year. And up until a month ago, I thought I would make it. But since my period came back, my supply has plummeted. No amount of pumping, supplements, or water was changing it. My son also found a love for the new things nourishing him.
Every time I drop a pump, I cry a little bit. I don’t even remember the last time I nursed him because I didn’t think it would be the final time. I would have cherished that moment just a little more…but he’s done and he’s made it abundantly clear.
A part of me feels like I’m failing since I didn’t meet my goal of one year. But also…I am SO proud for making it 10.5 months in. I truly valued and adored that nursing relationship with my baby. I loved comforting him at night, healing him when he was sick, feeding him in funny places like Disneyland and Rodeos…I managed to maintain a full nursing and pumping schedule despite returning to work when he was 3 months old. Mind you, I’m a choir teacher so I travel a LOT so this was no easy feat.
I’m trying to feel proud and grateful when so many struggle to get this far. But I’m also mourning this relationship shift with my baby who is slowly turning into a full on kid right before my eyes…opinions and ALL!
I look forward to having my bodily autonomy back, wearing a normal bra, and finally losing the last of this baby weight my body has been holding onto to feed this guy. I will feel better in time but for now I guess I will just feel my feelings.
Good luck to you all and thank you for helping me in my journey, as well. 💖

I sometimes wonder this and here are some instances where I couldn’t tell if someone was saying something in a “I’m testing to see if your trans” way or a “I am not even thinking about what I’m saying id say this to any guy” way. So for reference everybody everywhere calls me “he” and uses my preferred name. My legal gender is male and my legal name is my preferred name. No one would know I’m trans unless I told them or they figured it out on their own. One time a girl said to me “you’ve never had to wear a bra so you don’t get it but maybe you’ll have to wear a bra one day because of your man boobs.” Another time a girl said to me “not going to lie I thought you were a lesbian at first but then I found out you’re a man.” Another time a girl pretended to kick me in the balls and said “if you really had balls you would’ve flinched” (she’s never said anything about me being trans or anything and always referred to me as a guy so maybe this is just a weird joke). And people have said to me “oh __ was wondering if your trans” or “on the topic of boys turning to girls and stuff are you a girl that turned into a boy?” To which I say no. This kinda makes me feel like I’m not actually stealth and everyone knows I’m trans but doesn’t say anything out of respect. It makes me feel like I’m not as passing as I thought and it makes me sad to think that everyone is just “playing along.” Other people have said “___says your trans but just pass really well and I was confused” which I hate when other people that have known me from before I transitioned out me and it makes me worried about how many people they’ve told that haven’t told me. My teachers, bosses, friends, strangers etc all call me by “he” by default but I can’t tell if it’s an instinct or if they’re trying to be nice. Anyone else have this issue too? Let me know your thoughts.

Figured y'all deserved an update after all the support I got on the previous post:
So, we've come to an understanding, thank fuck. And yes, I was right when I guessed she wanted me to look 'decent,' though I was wrong about the reasoning behind that. In summary, she didn't want me to get harassed while outside.
She tried to bring up the 'health' aspect again. To her credit, as soon as I said that I looked this up for ages and found little to no research about the health benefits of bras (even offered to show her my little bookmark file of the, like, five genuine bits of research. Seriously, why is there so little research on bras since this kind of narrative is beaten over our heads?), she dropped that part of the argument.
She said (and this is me trying to remember), "Hey, if modern research disagrees with what I've grown up hearing? I'm okay with that." So, credit where credit is due.
I think the turning point was when I told her about how I was treated in high school, which I never really talked about because... the mistreatment was so frequent that I almost got used to it? If that makes sense? I just got tired of telling her how horrible school after a certain point.
Same story we've heard before. I was constantly harassed by student and teacher alike for my body. I couldn't wear the same things other girls could wear because anything that wasn't baggy was too 'provocative,' blah-blah-blah. God forbid I wore a DRESS. Hell, I wore jean jackets and baggy pants throughout all of high school, and I still had students perving on me and teachers 'reminding' me not to wear anything more revealing than that, I wish I was fucking joking.
My body has been sexualized since it started growing boobs, so her trying to say that a bra would somehow make that less likely was... insulting. Like, that ship sailed when I was 11.
Won't lie, got a bit emotional about that since I graduated high school only a few years ago, so a lot of the bullshit that school put me through still stings. It's really fucking traumatizing having adults not care about your peers sexually harassing you, and then sexualizing your child-body themselves. She summarized my line of thought (because we're in-sync when we DON'T butt heads like two male moose) by saying, "And if you're going to be treated like that anyway, you might as well not hurt for it? Alright, I respect that. I understand that." Oh my god, a breakthrough XD
We've pretty much settled on the situation before: I don't have to wear bras when doing the quick outside stuff, like walking the dog, talking to neighbors, etc., but I should wear a bra when going outside for long periods of time. SHE'S paid for more bras (since she's the one who's insisted, so she's the one paying for them. Didn't even need to fight her on that) that don't hurt my shoulders (as long as I don't wear them for an excessive amount of time), and the bullshit is finally over.
Communication, whoo!
Thank y'all for the support and the reassurance that I wasn't being crazy or unreasonable about this.

I'm 16, and until September last year, I was a complete virgin, never kissed a girl on the lips (closest was a teacher I really liked, I WAS QUICK EVADING A CHEEK KISS AND WENT FOR THE LIPS THE TEACHER WAS NOT A PEDO) the only time I kissed a girl I liked was nursery/preschool I believe. I'd never held a girl's hand before, almost every relationship I remember was long distance, This girl Aaliyah Atherton, (I don't know if what I just felt was love or discomfort reading her original name but I felt something) She's bdsm, nappy kink, daddy-daughter shit. We'd been intimate (in school) while she was with her boyfriend, She occasionally sucked him off,
We eventually kissed, ⚠️Sexuality explicit⚠️ She told me to grind against her back, Got me to bounce her on my lap she touched me whilst, Then we Frenched kissed? But like how in the movies. our tongues didn't go in each other.
We've played with each other several times, Held hands, My hand was on her arm (she said she wasn't comfortable with her tits) and we were kinda cuddling in the bus, and she touched my hand and put it on her breast, I asked if I could go under her clothes as her jacket buttons were in the way, Then she signaled to go under her bra,
(coming up to christmas I found out that the messages apparently from her dad were her, she pretended she was crying because what her dad said to me, near Xmas her sister said similar stuff, she doesn't want to date you she has a boyfriend,) She said they sounded the same and I believed her, even though I can identify my (same breed) cats from their meow. I called her sis from private number, and they aren't the same,
I was talking to my ex, Tazmin Moore at the time, she was the first girl I remember, I loved her soo much, I think I still do too.
We got together, while she was getting something she dropped she seemed to be feeling up my dick with her elbow, three people in the back of the car, she held my hand under coat, bcs her ex was in the seat next to me, she touched my leg, and I put my hand on hers, and out of fucking habit from Aaliyah massaged her vag through clothes she was uncomfortable, then she left me (for Aaliyah)
I hated seeing my lying ex and the girl I'd loved since I was 10 date, it tore me apart, expecially the lies from my ex
Me and Aaliyah got back together had sex twice one day, (protected). I touched and sucked her tits
While l8r, Taz said she still loved me and agreed to a three-way relationship with Aaliyah (polymorus relationship) approaching valentines
But my mum took me out of school and WIPED AND BUGGED my phone,
I loved Aaliyah and Taz still then and I missed them I wrote a suicide note and I started crying afterwards that I'd even do that,
I've told people false stories about Aaliyah making things seem worse
She preached abstainance whilst fucking 3 guys and a girl in the toilet, one of the guys her still boyfriend, defo, others weren't sexual I think.
Then after sex she offered sex to me, but luckily one of the guys who was a close friend, warned me...
Tonight I lie awake thinking of Taz Then Aaliyah (has my Aunt's necklace still.) I don't know what I feel for Aaliyah Lust love disgust I know dating her wouldn't be good
And Taz is wonderful, I love her?, but I don't know if she loves me or just loves love.
Should I sneakily 'date' Aaliyah for closure I know she still thinks about me. As she's found me on Facebook today, I've not said anything thou
I want to pursue Taz, but it'll be hard, and I don't know if it'll hurt me, she's never hurt me but I don't want a repeat of Aaliyah with someone who has basically been perfect with me.
*not that it matters but Aaliyah has basically no tits, Taz's are massive now as apparently she gained and glossed alot of weight but the tits stayed...
I love girls for personality not body...

A few months ago I found out my mom did something really bad and due to this.
I later go a weird text from my mom saying hey if you see me on the news don’t worry about it and obviously I worried and looked it up and found out what she had don’t I was conflicted I love my mom but what she did was disgusting and I felt disgusted living with her.
She received many threats and she became paranoid which rubbed off on me I made a TikTok that was friends only originally explaining that I was scared to live there and I wanted to leave that was before I found out what my mom did.
After I found I deleted everything that had to do with my parents because I was scared for myself and I was disgusted I text my aunt because at the time I thought I could trust her we said a lot and she even agreed with me and said she was on my side.
A few days later my mom calls me into her room and asks about my TikTok and about a facebook post I made saying I was taking my mom’s pictures down she was hurt that I thought she was disgusted with her and didn’t want me to be near her later that night when I came home from work my dad was waiting in the living room.
He said give me your phone or I’m kicking you out he then threatened to beat me and I said no thank you and started packing my room I then made a TikTok explaining what was happening as I have family and friends whom I tell things.
The next night my dad got home from work and proceeded to again tell me to give him my phone or leave the house so he kicked me out at 7pm and made me stand outside in the rain for an hour luckily I have an amazing older sister who is letting me stay with her.
I realized it had to be my aunt who had to have showed them because I only had my posts on friends and she’s the only one of my family members I have only Facebook that talks to my parents I blocked her instantly but I felt guilty because I loved her and I told her a lot of things that now I know she just told my parents about.
I also wanted to add this isn’t the first time my parents kicked me out and they were mad I didn’t want to come back home the first time and are now saying I can come home again which is weird because my dad has not contacted me since and my mom only texted me to ask if I got a gift card to Walmart I asked for the money they owe me as they are literally using it illegally I forgot to mention I’m adopted and you’re supposed to give the money to the kids you adopt my parents have not done that when I asked for it they sent a check for $650 that I already used on groceries and bills I needs to pay off any way just wanted to post this here so AITA?
Update I wanted to put an update for people leaving comments I have no plans on going back I’m safe with my sister I have a job but I do need that money and if anyone is wondering what my mom did she slept with a 16 year old and send pics of herself in her bra to underage boys she was a school teacher aid my dad thinks I’m disgusting for not supporting my mom and him they almost got a divorce there is more details that I’m not allowed to say though and it makes me emotional to add them but let’s say something happened and it made me hate my mom because she told us something else before admitting what she did and I supported her and defended her thinking it was rumors until the truth came out I’ll post a link if anyone wants to look at an article.
Another thing I wanted to add is my moms family has also disowned me a few even making up lies to my moms face that were petty example my uncle had passed away and I got permission from my mom to go the whole time my moms family ignored me and I left after saying my goodbyes and the service a few days later my sister who still lives with my mom says my moms friend told her I wasn’t comforting my little sister and was letting her cry during the funeral I sat next to my little sister and next to her was my moms friend.
My little sister and i were practically attached because she was crying really bad I kept handing her tissues and asking her alright and telling her it was going to be ok I know I didn’t need to add that but wanted to my parents believed this and called me terrible names my grandma said I was disrespectful and disgusted at me for not supporting my mom he said this to my mom a day after he hugged me at the funeral.
Anyway that’s all I could think of I’ll update again if I have anything else or can answer questions

I’ve decided to rewatch every Amazing Race and rank them all.
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SEASON 22 gets a 7/10
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I enjoyed this season and I can’t list many negatives. Not many dull legs and there was usually enough happening to keep it interesting - we had multiple penalties in leg 1, Dave’s injury, a team eliminated with an Express Pass, U-Turn plots, alliances, flirting between teams and visually one of the best routes. There wasn’t much negativity and mostly had a satisfying feel good vibe throughout. However it just had a bit of a “meh” feeling (especially at the end) so can’t rank it amongst the best seasons. The cast felt a little dull (especially the final 5) and there weren’t any crazy or larger than life personalities or controversy. But still enjoyable overall!
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General Thoughts
- I feel they did everything right with route, challenges, likeable teams, a little bit of inter-team drama… but the cast is unfortunately one of the dullest and is the only reason it isn’t amongst the top seasons that got 8-10. The cast isn’t “terrible” but the only big characters were Chuck/Wynona and they aren’t top tier like Natalie/Nadiya, Brendan/Rachel or Margie/Luke. Then there’s a big gap and the next biggest characters were Pam/Winnie or Max/Katie who were “fine” but once again aren’t Dustin/Kandice or Tara/Wil. But the cast wasn’t “super boring”. Every team actually had somewhat of a story, while I would argue that many teams from TAR20 and TAR21 felt irrelevant, especially their early boots.
- But many teams were cast because of gimmicks such as Bates/Anthony (professional hockey players), Caroline/Jennifer (country singers with famous grandfathers), Joey/Meghan (YouTubers), Mona/Beth (roller derby moms - this wacky hobby got them on rather than being huge characters), Idries/Jamil (twin doctors isn’t common) and Dave/Connor (having both a father and son being cancer survivors is a gimmick). They also like to cast a team with either beards or wacky hair (in this case Chuck) but they really need to make sure they’re interesting personalities and not just “look interesting” or have an interesting backstory or job. I say it in most reviews but it is harder to relate to and support gimmicky teams.
- This season did have some big storylines - Dave’s Achilles injury, John/Jessica’s downfall, some good alliance drama (everybody vs Joey/Meghan, Mona/Beth and John/Jessica, strategy over the 2nd Express Pass, flirting between Anthony/Bates and Caroline/Jennifer), the 3 teams taking the penalty in the first leg and Chuck/Wynona as a unique and sometimes bickering team. And it felt unpredictable with big characters John/Jessica and Dave/Connor leaving early, and to a lesser extent Pam/Winnie also having a shock elimination, and then even Chuck/Wynona. Even Idries/Jamil had a big edit in their boot episode. But that did leave us with an underwhelming final 5 where the characters were not fleshed out well. The first half was definitely a lot stronger than the second half. But the final 5 were still likeable enough and it felt nice and satisfying to watch to the point where it wasn’t “too dull”.
- Bates/Anthony are very generic “nice guy alpha male” winners. They deserved it, they were nice, but it’s an empty feeling like most winners. They are pretty forgettable winners. In this case I would have preferred a Caroline/Jennifer or Mona/Beth win because they were underdogs, always seemed to be enjoying the race, and would have made for a more unique outcome. Pam/Winnie, Chuck/Wynona, or even Joey/Meghan would have made more interesting winners too.
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Route
- A fantastic route and is visually the most appealing route so far and such a nice variety of places. The beautiful islands of Bora Bora, New Zealand looked stunning, Bali looked stunning, bustling Hanoi, the Makgadikgadi Pans in Botswana, snowy Switzerland, the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, Scotland and Northern Ireland (and a quick stop to order a pint in London), and even ending with landmarks in Washington DC. Even the Los Angeles starting line was iconic at the Griffith Observatory overlooking Hollywood. A contender for one of the best routes, and definitely best looking route! Entertainment and storylines are more important than route for me but was still nice to see.
- Challenges were much better than last season’s. The worst type of challenges are the ones where teams are just “doing things” without struggling and basically arrive and leave in the same order. This season didn’t have many of them. The shemozzle race in New Zealand was awful and it just didn’t seem possible to fail badly. But I liked the sandcastles, the Bora Bora water challenges and stilts, the Bali surfboard puzzle, the phrase in the Vietnamese song, the Botswana canoe, the animal challenges in Africa (remembering the order of silhouettes/guiding donkeys), the bagpipes and serving Titanic passengers.
- The season’s twist had the winner of the first leg winning not only an Express Pass but a 2nd Express Pass to give to another team. I really like this twist - it doesn’t drastically change the game (which is a good thing) but encourages inter-team dynamics and strategy. Besides that, this season had 2 U-Turns, 1 Fast Forward, Speed Bumps and 1 Keep on Racing leg. This season also had 2 poorly implemented Switchbacks. The purpose of a Switchback is to pick an interesting challenge and create some more good moments with that challenge. TAR14’s cheese hill was fantastic…but here they used different equipment so they took away what made the first challenge hilarious - people falling over and dropping cheese down the hill! And then TAR8’s briefcase challeng was fine as a Leg 2 challenge in the Family Edition, but this luck based challenge doesn’t belong in a finale.
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Cast Ranking
1.Chuck/Wynona - definitely the biggest characters of the season, plus I generally support the older or unfit underdog teams. Not as big a characters as BoppeMark or David/Mary but fascinating enough. Wynona was terrible at most things and I sort of liked her attitude of hilariously complaining through most challenges, “My heinie is sore, this seat isn’t padded” on the horse and just sitting in the sand wanting vodka in the digging challenge. Chuck used up almost all his Road Blocks in the first 5 legs haha They argued a lot because of Chuck being disappointed in her - there’s a scene where Chuck is pushing Wynona up the hill and he’s like “I can’t hold both the sleds and your ass” haha and he forcibly pulls her at one stage. They had some fun bickering (and awkward bickering) and bizarre quotes like comparing working in Walmart to using stilts somehow. Sometimes they felt inspirational and were learning to work together, and the next episode Wynona is crying after an uncomfortable confrontation. Plus Chuck’s hair!

1. Pam/Winnie - these 2 are very underrated! You don’t have to be super dramatic or villains or have a wacky job or backstory…I just found these 2 so witty and likeable. Quotes like “Sesame Street on crack”, “Crocodile Dundee - African edition” and after being eliminated “Crying is for bitches so we’re definitely not crying” haha. But what makes them endearing is that they’re just 2 normal friends with fun personalities. And I just love HUMOR! They just seemed to have a fun quote for everything like when they were talking about working best alone, one of them joked “Yeah if we were the only team racing, we’ll be fine” haha Sad to see them go earlyish because I think they could have been fan favorites if they made it to the end!
   
2. Max/Katie - weren’t as interesting as I remember but the most unique out of the final 5. They started as “villains” with Katie being like “I’m not likeable at all” and faking being nice to other teams, and some mild bickering with Katie belittling Max for failing at manly challenges like car racing. But then they sort of turned into a generic couple later on. Some witty remarks here and there like “The honeymoon continues in Africa…that tents gonna be rockin” after surviving a non-elimination haha and Max making fun of John and being a bit arrogant at times. They were okay, but much better couples in past seasons.
   
3. Dave/Connor - these 2 are polarising. Some fans liked them because they seemed super sweet and had a tragic cancer backstory (with their bad luck continuing with Dave’s injury). Others found them annoying because of how often they were shown crying about their cancer or crying about their injuries or even crying about how much they loved each other…just too much haha And Dave had that “get ahead of them I’m old” mentality. They definitely made a bigger impact than many teams at the end (some fans liked them, some didn’t and that means they made an impact), plus I enjoyed their injury arc with them coming 1st in 2 legs despite Dave being on crutches, and then leaving because of their injury.
   
4. John/Jessica - were arguably the biggest characters for the first 4 legs with their cockiness and Express Pass plotting. A dominant performance and always finished near the top…and then a shock elimination in leg 4. I like shock eliminations where we actually care about the early boots. John’s downfall in Leg 4 (after a dominant and sometimes cocky 3 legs) is one of my favorite 1 episode storylines. So just like Dave/Connor, they made a bigger impact than many of the later teams.
   
5. Joey/Meghan - the next 4 weren’t that compelling to me, but Team YouTube had the most fun lines. However they were “playing up for the camera” A LOT! I know they’re YouTubers but they really felt like it too, unlike Michael/Kevin who were wacky but also felt more down to Earth. Joey especially was showing off and yelling a lot - like randomly yelling “RAISE THE ROOF RAISE THE ROOF” for no reason and a very over the top reaction to handling a scorpion and base jumping. Some jokes were okay like “Who wants to get tripping” with Joey “Is someone going to get high or something”. They did have a sweet bond, and I liked their friendship with Mona/Beth. When they fell behind in Switzerland and Meghan broke down crying, they felt the most genuine and I liked them much more here. I wouldn’t say they were boring though.
   
6. Caroline/Jennifer - the “country singers” weren’t that interesting but if you look closely there’s some small fun moments like “Beverly Hills has left the building” when dirty, and some of Caroline’s random stories like her squirrel that died of loneliness in her bra and her family making her do a fire drill by jumping off the roof haha. I found them really sweet and likeable though. Yeah they were proud of their flirting and followed Bates/Anthony but weren’t super reliant on them. They were “dumb blondes” at times but not that bad and I enjoyed seeing them get through.
   
7. Mona/Beth - weren’t that interesting either but I found Caroline/Jennifer slightly more endearing and relevant to the season. Team Roller Derby wanted to prove they are badasses and not just moms. They did well, however I actually prefer the less athletic “mom” teams like the Bowling Moms or The Glamazons. They had some moments I guess like “It sounded like they were torturing an animal” with the bagpipes and were likeable…but were pretty forgettable.
   
8. Bates/Anthony - just like Caroline/Jennifer and Mona/Beth, I also found the Hockey Players likeable but not that interesting. For alpha males, they were very sweet, gentle and down to Earth. When Bates had his bag stolen, Caroline/Jennifer felt so bad because he was the like the nicest person ever. But they weren’t good TV and I would rather support 2 blondes or 2 moms than a sporty team.
   
9. Idries/Jamil - seemed likeable like when they joked about being ‘kindergarten teachers’ haha but their main storyline was being afraid of water and failing completely at the water challenges. Became an early boot disaster team which I don’t mind.
   
10. Matt/Daniel - didn’t get to do much - only remember them taking the penalty with Max/Katie and Caroline/Jennifer yet losing a rowing race despite being the fittest of the 3. They were embarrassed what their fellow firefighters would think. A memorable way of losing I guess!
    

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Leg Rankings
1.Leg 4 - Indonesia (F9 - John/Jessica eliminated) - FANTASTIC…and not just because of the Express Pass blunder. It started with alliances and airport scrambles (which are being phased out). Getting the monkeys to open coconuts was unique (with Caroline wanting a monkey but remembering the squirrel that she kept in her bra and died of loneliness haha). Preparing the fruit offering was a great challenge (plus John/Jessica putting something together in a random person’s house haha) as well as the surfboard puzzle at the end (Caroline having a meltdown and eventually just lucking out and picking the right board haha). But of course this episode is all about cocky John/Jessica’s downfall - switching detours, struggling and still not using the Express Pass despite Jessica suggesting it many times. And John being like “I have no regrets” after being eliminated and Phil is like “Oy vey” haha But great location in Bali, great challenges (especially the memory one), drama, Dave/Connor surprisingly come first again, just everything worked here!

1. Leg 7 - Botswana (F7 - Pam/Winnie eliminated) - another fantastic leg with so many placement changes and great challenges! Caroline/Jennifer and Max/Katie are caught speeding (with Caroline/Jennifer having to give a local $100 to go and exchange it…and hope he returns haha). Max/Katie struggle to find their car, get a speeding ticket, reverse into a pole and complete a seduction dance for a Speed Bump haha (with some Katie sass). There was the waterskiing with crocodiles Fast Forward which was fine (maybe better if a weaker team tried it). Paddling with goats had some fun bickering and crashing into other canoes “roller derby on the water” especially Chuck/Wynona and Mona/Beth, and then Joey “I feel like Pocahontas” haha. Then Pam/Winnie have a disaster at the detour - struggling to control their donkeys and then missing some of the animals on the other detour. Teams were falling behind, catching up, some bickering, great location, chaos with animals (goats and donkeys) and a shock elimination!
   
2. Leg 5 - Vietnam (F8 -Dave/Connor eliminated) - this episode was criticised for being disrespectful to Vietnam veterans and you even had Joey describing the B-52 “It’s a plane crash not a house” in an uncaring way. Definitely a missed opportunity for a reflection segment. But it was a very entertaining leg! Dave/Connor officially leave the race (Pam/Winnie being like “We can finally win without someone in a wheelchair rolling past us” haha). There’s the U-turn drama with everyone plotting to U-Turn the “John and Jessica minion squad” of Mona/Beth and Joey/Meghan. The communist performance (Katie “they’re like One Direction” haha) was a nice tricky challenge and the bamboo dance had Chuck/Wynona failing over and over because they weren’t holding hands. Chuck/Wynona were great - they bickered, forgot their chickens and Wynona is like “I need 12 limes…and a husband who listens” haha And the locals mock the teams “Look at that Westerner with the chickens” haha There’s even some banter and teams exploring Hanoi. A very fun leg!
   
3. Leg 1 - French Polynesia (F11 - Matt/Daniel eliminated) - one of the strongest premieres! It had a classic flight scramble (rather than a starting line challenge, they’re navigating to the airport, getting on shuttles, bantering with other teams etc), most teams were shown throughout and great location in Bora Bora! There were some alliances with the first flight agreeing to give the Express Pass to 2nd place and Max/Katie being sneaky. The skydiving had no drama whatsoever but it was over beautiful Bora Bora and in a way it is refreshing seeing an entire cast prepared for height challenges for once. The sandcastles was a terrible luck based challenge but it worked well - Wynona complaining the whole time “I don’t want to go to Bora Bora and build sandcastles - “I thought they’d have vodka and 7-ups” haha and Winnie “You’re gonna look like Tom Hanks from Cast Away”. And a memorable and fantastic ending - 3 teams agreeing to take a penalty and a close rowing race. A great leg but would be higher with more big moments besides the ending.
   
4. Leg 2 - French Polynesia (F10 - Idries/Jamil eliminated) - continued through beautiful Bora Bora and was another strong leg. There’s chats about John/Jessica’s 2nd Express Pass with Mona/Beth complaining about teams sucking up…but then hilariously sucking up themselves “Nice to meet you, we call you Abercrombie and Fitch because you’re fabulous” haha Untying the shells underwater was a fun challenge with Idries/Jamil really struggling and almost considering the 6 hour penalty (Amazing Race doesn’t have many water challenges, which I usually enjoy). The underwater picnic wasn’t as difficult but still looked good on TV. The stilts challenge was also a fun challenge at the end with Pam/Winnie falling behind on it. There’s placement changes, Max/Katie and Caroline/Jennifer catch up, Pam/Winnie struggle in the water and get lost (“We’re gonna jet ski to California” haha), Dave’s injury, and a hilarious disaster of a leg for Idries/Jamil who struggle with water. But the premiere is ahead because of the quitting strategy at the end.
   
5. Leg 8 - Switzerland (F6 - Chuck/Wynona eliminated) - one of the most beautiful legs but was poorly planned with lots of trains and equalisers. Some of the train navigation (and flirting) was okay though. The most dramatic Chuck/Wynona episode - A LOT of arguing mostly due to Wynona being slow and the arguing reduced her to tears. Wynona conquered the Eiger Road Block but Chuck was hilariously not supportive “well the kids need a mother” instead of “good job”. Also joking, “If things go wrong, I won’t marry for the first month” haha I loved the Swiss dogs, and Chuck treating them better than his wife haha. The ending is fantastic though - the cheese switchback has Katie struggling and hilariously holding up all the teams, Chuck/Wynona arguing and struggling of course, Joey/Meghan stressing out (crying and fighting for the first time) and not being able to find a taxi, and then Chuck/Wynona get a penalty for not using the sleds correctly…so Joey/Meghan survive! Very exciting and dramatic leg…just not that well planned.
   
6. Leg 9 - Germany (F5 - Non elimination) - was a fun quirky leg and I like unique night legs. Bates loses his bag on the train…with Caroline/Jennifer offering women’s underwear and thongs. Some of the history questions are interesting to see who knows their history (Which president said “Tear down this wall”? Caroline/Jennifer thinking it’s the Great Wall of China haha and Max disappointed as Ronald Reagan was his favourite president…an interesting choice). Base jumping was okay as just an additional challenge and the weird funhouse was okay (Mona/Beth “Kids this is what drugs is like”). It wasn’t super difficult but seems memorable in a way. And assembling a train track/transporting neon letters had some difficulties, plus the animated graphic of the burning train was hilariously random. Bates/Anthony smashed their letter and had to separate from their allies Caroline/Jennifer. And a tense finish with Mona/Beth getting lost and then overtaken in a footrace by the threats Bates/Anthony. So a generally fun leg and a tense finish!
   
7. Leg 6 - Botswana (F7 - Non elimination) - a decent leg despite not many big moments. An okay flight segment, teams discussing the U-Turn and teams having to guess where the Kalahari desert is and Chuck/Wynona guessing LOTS and LOTS of countries. Also Chuck saying “This is where The Lion King is made” and teams laughing that it’s a cartoon haha Catching the scorpion was okay but impossible to fail. Watching the bushmen put the scorpion in their mouths was intense and Max was like “I better keep my mouth closed so they don’t do that to me”. And Joey freaking out over the scorpion was either hilarious or annoying. There’s some fun banter with the teams driving their bushmen around during the leg (calling Caroline/Jennifer “very beautiful women”, Joey/Meghan being like “Did you add them on Facebook yet?” And Pam/Winnie “It feels like we’re smuggling bushmen”). And making a fire/making a Guinea fowl trap had some switching and placement shifts and were some challenging enough African tasks.
   
8. Leg 10 - Scotland (F5 - Joey/Meghan eliminated) - this leg was okay but the final 5 just aren’t interesting characters. It had similar flight drama and U-Turn drama to Vietnam with Bates/Anthony, Caroline/Jennifer and Max/Katie vs Mona/Beth and Joey/Meghan. The 3 teams get on an earlier flight. The bagpipes was fine with Caroline having a meltdown but then finally getting it, “I have found my husband in Scotland. His name is Jim and I think he’s 70.” Meghan also struggled “Maybe his saliva will give me superpowers..I basically made out with that guy”. Making haggis/rolling whiskey barrels were not that interesting besides the hilarious Scottish poet (“1759 was when I was born”…with Jennifer “we like our men older” haha) and maybe the Skittles Speed Bump may have worked better as a Detour option. Mona/Beth “the haggis tastes good…sorry Scotland but it was awful” haha A close battle between U-Turned teams Mona/Beth and Joey/Meghan! So a tense ending, and some good drama but generally dull in between.
   
9. Leg 11 - Northern Ireland (F4 - Caroline/Jennifer eliminated) - another leg that just felt “okay” and also had a few meltdowns and things going on, but the teams at the end are just not that engaging. Plus locations felt very dull and dreary, especially considering the high calibre this season. The bog snorkelling was pretty tame for a final 4 but they lucked out with Jennifer having a big meltdown, and then praying. Most final 4’s would breeze through it in a dull fashion. Serving the Titanic passengers was better and caused some interesting difficulties with multiple teams especially Mona/Beth missing the board “My kids are gonna eat mac and cheese for the rest of their life”. Caroline/Jennifer got lost, and felt like they almost caught up. Just not enough conflict - they tried to show Max slightly mocking Mona/Beth for getting on a later flight from the previous leg and complaining about Mona/Beth following them. The 2 legs ranked below aren’t great either but this one at least had some struggles at challenges, especially the Titanic one.
   
10. Leg 3 - New Zealand (F9 - TBC) - a pretty dull leg and it didn’t help that it ended with a “To Be Continued” - last season the “To Be Continued” was straight after James/Abba lost their bags (cliffhanger), but this one was just after Dave/Connor checked in 1st. Dave’s injury was a big focus - getting assessed and being allowed to continue, on crutches and other team’s reactions, using their Express Pass, and managing to finish 1st (a good story for them). The challenges were dull though - driving the car around cones had a few struggles but nothing interesting, fishing was boring, and the shemozzle race was a terrible challenge (the worst challenges are the ones that are difficult to fail like this pointless challenge). Max/Katie bickered with directions with Katie being like “I got a doctorate so I’m pretty much always right” haha nice New Zealand scenery and the flight scramble was okay (Bates/Anthony make fun of John for being sneaky and some alliances). But too much focus on boring challenges and no storylines besides Dave’s achilles.
    
11. Leg 12 - USA (F3 - Finale) - unfortunately a very underwhelming finale (not the worst though). Bates/Anthony got a lead and never lost it with nothing interesting happening. It showed off Washington DC well enough and it’s sites (although it looked so grey and gloomy) and I liked them visiting the Lincoln memorial where Martin Luther gave his “I have a dream” speech. Tricking the teams into meeting Obama was silly but….something I guess (frustrated Max being a Republican). Not a fan of the briefcase switchback because it’s very luck based. It feels like Max fell behind because of bad luck, despite Katie saying it’s because Max is an idiot haha. Catching the baseball and finding the globes weren’t bad challenges but fell flat because of Bates/Anthony not struggling. It’s hard to say whether the globes was a difficult memory challenge or not…but it was very anticlimactic when Bates/Anthony left before Max/Katie even showed up. So boring winners, boring challenges, boring finale, and just no struggles, drama or placement changes.
    

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Summary
So a middle of the road season with a fantastic beginning, good middle and an okay but duller end. It had a fantastic route with enough moments and things going on to make most legs enjoyable. There were also lots of likeable teams with minimal negativity (which can be good too). However I feel TAR22 lacked big characters and controversy so the season felt average at times and misses out on that “excellent” category. This season needed divisive characters like Natalie/Nadiya or Brendan/Rachel, or even funnier teams like BoppeMark or Zev/Justin. Or a crazy bickering couple. Also a more exciting ending with a more dynamic final 5 and more dynamic winners! But still an enjoyable season overall.
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So after each season I will place it on a ranking: (also included links to previous reviews)
1.TAR5 - 10/10

1. TAR3 - 10/10
   
2. TAR12 - 9/10
   
3. TAR17 - 9/10
   
4. TAR18 - 9/10
   
5. TAR2 - 8/10
   
6. TAR7 - 8/10
   
7. TAR20 - 8/10
   
8. TAR11 - 8/10
   
9. TAR13 - 8/10
   
10. TAR6 - 8/10
    
11. TAR10 - 7/10
    
12. TAR22 - 7/10
    
13. TAR14 - 7/10
    
14. TAR1 - 7/10
    
15. TAR9 - 7/10
    
16. TAR21 - 6/10
    
17. TAR15 - 6/10
    
18. TAR4 - 6/10
    
19. TAR8 - 6/10
    
20. TAR19 - 5/10
    
21. TAR16 - 5/10
    

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Hey Everyone,
I promised some commenters a few weeks back that I would sign up for the Mila free trial and do a little write up- so here I am!
I currently work as a "group fitness instructor" at two different junior colleges. I also was an athletics coach at the JC level for 2 years. In order to become qualified for these positions I earned a Masters of Science degree in Kinesiology, and also hold a Master of Arts degree in Education + a teaching credential.
Before I moved to fitness instruction, I worked for 6 years as an elementary classroom teacher. Part of this was participating in "distance learning"- aka teaching online during covid. I made 2-3 educational youtube videos a day for an academic year- some of which were workouts.
Long story short, I am very knowledgeable and experienced in both exercise and education and thought it would be fun to write a little review on Scamilla's lil app through that lens.
Here are my thoughts:
Positives-
- I appreciated Camilla's approach to consistency and building habits. Studies are coming out that prove diets don't work. What does is creating 'lifestyle changes' over time in a sustainable way. Camilla does explain this pretty well, and as a kinesiologist, I agree.
- Camilla is obviously well practiced when it comes to Yoga. The yoga video I watched was the best one she had to offer. I was impressed by her hip mobility, and it was obvious that she practices often.
Negatives-
- Quality of videos: The videos were pretty bad... To me, they gave off a "I'm starting a youtube channel" vibe. It didn't seem like Camilla rehearsed what she wanted to say or made a script. All of the videos were shot in a "one -take" style. It seemed like Camilla propped her phone up on her water bottle and pressed record. Mistakes weren't edited out, and the instructions were long, rambling and confusing.
I don't want to judge her for this, as I know English isn't her first language. Explaining things can be really tedious and cognitively fatiguing- I struggle with my speech after a long day when I'm speaking in my native language. So I'm impressed Cam is able to teach in English, but I think a script would have helped a lot in this area. There were a lot of "ehhhhhhs" and I genuinely got so bored while I was waiting for her to explain what we were doing. She also explained things in very bad and very odd ways. For example: "Feet a bit wide, or whatever works for you" ???? and "My weight is down through the center at all times, okay?" and "That's it... I guess".
There was one video in particular where it seemed like Cam recorded without any planning or forethought. Her exercise area was super cramped, and she kept head butting a chair she was using. She held onto the tv for balance, which was rough to watch. Then her hair got stuck in a plant?! It was just a lot to take in, and it felt so incredibly unprofessional.
- Organization of the App:
- The Mila App is obviously made for people who are terrified of exercise. It is full of strange personal anecdotes (being picked last for the soccer team) and weird, awkward pep talks. Camila seems to be leaning into her "quirkiness" as a way to compensate for her lack of skill and preparedness. She also is really marketing to individuals who are nervous and inexperienced. I honestly think this is great! Its awesome that people who are nervous or who don't know where to start have someone to guide them. However, I think it's a travesty that she is charging $10 a month.
The organization of the app does not allow for 'differentiation'. In teacher speak, this is a way of teaching that allows students of all abilities to feel engaged and supported. For instance, maybe one client can do step ups, but another is ready for full on box jumps. In order for this to happen in the app, Cam would have needed to have videos for 3 different *skill levels* not energy levels.
I'm in fairly good shape at this point of my life. I am knowledgable about exercise and form. The app had nothing for me. I was bored and unchallenged. Even the "high energy" level videos were too short and too easy. This was frustrating!
Instead of creating a solid workout video, Camilla tried to jam too many things into one video. Within one 15 minute workout she had us warm up, then she explained a bunch of form stuff- badly- and then had us start the workout. In one particular HIIT video I did, she changed the organization of the workout during the second round, and offered us too many exercise choices- I got so annoyed that I just quit the workout all together.
It was also a bit disconcerting that there were so few videos, and that once you chose your 'energy level' you can't change it. People are paying for this service, and Cam is offering the bare minimum. The organization of the videos were confusing, and it seemed like she was recycling videos to use across several 'energy levels'. At one point, Cam mentioned explaining the form for an exercise in a pervious video, saying that we should know what to do from it, but I hadn't seen it yet. Out of the 9 videos I had access to, only 3 of them were actual workouts. The rest were stretching, walks and pep talks.
If I were making the app, instead of having 3 energy levels- offering pretty much the same stuff in different lengths- I would have 3 skill levels. "Beginner" "Intermediate" and "advanced". She could do all of the explaining and rambling she wanted in the 'beginner' videos, and actually guide a challenging workout in the others. Clients could also challenge themselves to move on to the harder videos after a couple weeks which would allow 'progressive overload' which is essential for building muscle and strength. Exercisers need to progressively challenge themselves over a period of weeks. Doing the same type of workout without increasing weight, reps or intensity will not yield results.
Cam's "energy level" organization does not allow for progressive overload. I mean, only having a month's worth of content also does not allow progressive overload, but that's a conversation for another day...
- Form and Fitness:
One of the first things that tipped me off about Scamilla was her form. Particularly squats, Bulgarian split squats and deadlifts. Everyone's form is a bit different due to differing bodies and heights. But I've always thought that Camilla leans very far forward when squatting, almost curling her chest down. Her back was far too soft when she was doing bent-over rows, and her split squats are always very cramped- her feet are way too close together.
All in all, she does not appear to be someone who is fit, or who exercises frequently (aside from Yoga). I am a bigger gal myself- size 18- and always have been. I do not mean this in a "She's fluffy therefore weak" way. I just mean her general fitness- her cardio and strength. When I am working out along with my class while teaching, I also get out of breath. But in these videos- Cam was dying. She was panting into the mic, and working SO hard on pretty easy exercises. Her form would also completely fall apart when she got tired. This screamed 'out of shape' but was also a teachable moment. This happens to me when I am teaching sometimes, and I just call it out. "Oop, I'm getting tired so I'm dropping my elblows. I'm going to take a quick break and then remind myself to maintain proper form, even if I'm tired". Camilla just plowed on through- because it's better to do it shitty than not at all right? The whole thing just gave an "amateur" vibe- and again, I am disgruntled that she is charging so much for this crappy app.
- Professionalism
The app in general screams "Unprofessional". There were so many different moments that were so cringe. I already mentioned hair vs plant, but some other standouts were:
Her language: why is she dropping F bombs?!
Her attire: Cam needs to size up in her outfits and that's totally fine. I found her workout sets to be too short and far too tight. It looked unprofessional and uncomfortable. I also didn't understand why she needed to film her pep talks in her sports bra and booty shorts? Cam also wore cushiony running shoes to film, which obviously messed with her balance. It would have been better to wear flat shoes like Adidas Sambas for the leg workouts.
Location and framing: We all have our opinions on Cam and Julie flying to Spain(?) to film. The videos she filmed on the strange patio are poorly framed and visually unappealing. The videos she filmed at the second location (airBnb?) felt very cramped and poorly spaced. There was a curtain mis-hung and stuck for 2 whole videos and she never noticed or fixed it.
Video presentation: As I mentioned previously, the vibe of the videos is "winging it" which made them really challenging to watch. Something that really irked me in particular was Cam's use of her apple watch as a timer. If she is requiring clients to pay for this app, she needs to have a timer for the viewers on screen. For the HIIT and "High intensity" videos, she was using her apple watch as a timer, which was of course, only visible to her. The viewer has no clue how much time there is left in a set, and when the workout is moving quickly, this is really annoying.
Cam also didn’t have any music, so she filled the silences with directions and panting into the microphone. At one point she said “I don’t have music because then I’ll get sued and lose all my Money. So put music on for yourself”. Excuse me?! There is royalty free music out there that’s pretty easy to find. I would find music to use in the YouTube videos I made for my 8 year old students… also! If this app is a paid subscription, maybe she could use some of that revenue to pay for music? You can pay a month fee for access to a library full of pretty awesome royalty free music. This in particular made me laugh out loud. The audacity.
Equipment: Cam's use of 'equipment' in her videos is a lost opportunity for differentiation (Tailoring a lesson so all learner's needs are met). If she knew what she was doing, she would have front-loaded directions and equipment needs in the beginning of the video. This would have allowed her the opportunity to explain to her clients what each 'weight' was being used for, and given examples of what we would need. I think it would have been totally fine for Cam to use real weights. "I am using 5 lb dumbbells. If you have any light weights go ahead and grab them now. If you don't you can use two water bottles or cans of beans instead. If you are more experienced, grab 10 lb dumbbells, or two bricks from outside". I think she either got so hung up on being 'relatable' that she thought 2 water bottles and a grocery bag would make her clients more connected to her, or she genuinely forgot her equipment and had to improvise. Either way, it did not work.
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All in all, I give the Mila app a 2/5. I appreciate what Cam is trying to do, and I applaud her effort (In certain areas). I do believe that the app could be a great tool for unexperienced exercisers who need help. The app is also a great way to build confidence, and learn some very baseline knowledge. Outside of all of the issues I stated above, the real problem I have with the Mila app is that it is exploitative. Cam is using her status as a quirky, plus size, body positive influencer to scam her clients. There is no way in hell that this app is worth a monthly subscription fee. Sadly, there are many people out there who are looking for support and a safe place to exercise. Cam is offering that (which is a good thing), but she wasn't ready to make this app. The app is bad. The content is bad. The videos are bad. Her form is bad. Her explanations are bad. Her credentials are BS. Yet, here she is, charging $10 a month, and her clients are lapping it up.
If Cam was truly here to support plus sized and inexperienced exercisers, she would have prepared better. Maybe she would have started on youtube and got some experience before she launched a subscription service (Like Madfit). However, she skipped the foundation building and jumped right into the big leagues. All for that sweet, sweet renovation and IVF $$$. And she should be ashamed of herself for that.
Cam, if you read this, shame on you.
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PS- if anyone is looking for a great exercise Youtube channel- check out Madfit as I previously mentioned. She is incredible, qualified, and her videos are free.
Cheers!
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Someone told me I should write up my sensory processing disorder issues and how I handle them. It turned out to be a lot of text.
So I'm plopping it here in case it might help others.
Sensory Processing Disorder, sensory aggravants, how I deal
What increases physical effects of sensory aggravants Stress, physical or emotional. Being rushed. Pregnancy. Accutane/other medication for acne. Antibiotics. Job interview. Harsh criticism. Being shouted/screamed/yelled at/shamed. Being hit/spanked/shamed as a child, especially by adults who accused and did not listen to my impressions of what happened because “talking back is disrespectful”. Inability to communicate personal needs or traumatic personal events due to lack of descriptive words/understanding/communication barrier. Recent loss, breakup, death of human or pet. Permanent loss of valuable objects/needs, whether monetary or emotional (ex: only inherited heirloom of stolen, house burned down). Housing/food instability. Physical illness. Recent medical procedure. Recent dental procedure. Dilation of eyes. Recent immunization. Multiple sensory aggravants at once. Being unable to stop or escape sensory aggravant. Having my period. Clutter.
Skin aggravant
aggravant: Coarse hair of any length, especially stubble, especially where skin folds in on itself. On my body, that is underarms/vulva/between breasts/hair on back of neck.
Physical reaction: Each individual hair feels like small sharp bristles.
What happens if I ignore it: I want to scream or cry. Visible red marks on skin, often. Full body shudders, as if experiencing forced tickling. Burning, itching sensation where the hair stubble is.
Solution: shave, wax, epilate frequently. Shave armpits daily. For me, the hair between buttocks is not a sensory issue if it is left to grow untrimmed.
Aggravant: Stubble on legs
What I feel: each individual hair catches knits, tighter clothing, rayon, leggings, tights, gets pulled. When I kneel or lay in bed, stubble against legs feels like sandpaper.
What happens if I ignore it: I want to punch something. It gets itchy. Usually red substantial red marks on lower legs. I have screamed.
Solution: hair removal frequently, wear looser pants, palazzo pants, bell bottoms, jeans. Never, ever wear leggings, tight pants, fitted pants. Never wear hose, tights, nylons. Keep razor and tweezers on hand for hair removal. Apply Gold Bond healing lotion to itching areas. When I find comfortable clothing, I buy them in all the colors. Epilation pulls hair out by the roots so it is less irritating as it grows in, however epilation hurts quite a bit to begin with. I do it in stages and take long breaks when my body starts shaking from the pain.
Issue: Dry Skin
What I feel: My dry skin cracks and catches on textiles/floochairs/socks/whatever. It hurts.
Solution: Gold Bond healing lotion. Also Cerave products and unflavored, unscented lip balm.
Issue: Scented things, basically all, but for some odd reason fresh or dried food products usually are fine. Essential oils, nope.
What I feel: Sprayed air freshener and car air fresheners make me nauseous. When I was pregnant, everything stank and everything made me throw up.
Solutions: Avoid air fresheners. Open windows, if air outside is fresh. There are phone apps that people use to decide when to run outside. Usually if the air quality is marked as “good” on those, it is safe to open windows. Use unscented soap/deoderant/personal products. When I find a candle that does not make me nauseous, I buy plenty of them. During pregnancy, all trash had to be taken out as quickly as possible. Food was generally eaten cold, as heat spreads the smells around. Heating a bowl of vinegar in the microwave then letting it sit out cut lots of smells. Cat litter needed scooped immediately and changed at least twice a month. There is some kind of spray thingie that I forget name of, a friend got it at a smoke shop. It cut smells from neighbor’s smoking cigarettes/weed. Using an enzymatic cleaner on pet stains helped.
Aggravant: Hair on head long enough to curl under and touch forehead or back of neck
What I feel: Individual hairs touching forehead itch. I scratch it.
What happens if I ignore it: I will scratch area until it hurts to make it stop itching. As a child, I cut my hair very poorly, very short to stop the itching. I will scratch it until it bleeds.
Solution: I maintain a short pixie haircut. Personally I hire a good hairstylist, find one, and stick to them. Others simply buzz-cut their hair.
Aggravant: Textures and fiber
Specific textures: velvet, all types. Cotton balls, all. Pipe cleaners, all. Most polyester fleece. Most tags. Most thick seams. All overlapped leather seams. Some printed on fabric tags, especially on older well-worn clothes where the paint-ink has melted into a rough texture. All non-cotton and non-rayon laces. Most ribbons. Most fuzzy things. Serged/overlocked seams, if done with polyester thread (In general, the thread is polyester if it does not exactly match the color of the clothing. Polyester thread is difficult to dye. On other clothing, feel the seams to see if they are a little bit rough, and look for threads that are one solid color). Wool, all. Seams in stiffer jeans, all. Elastic, all. Small bits of rubber, elastic poking through covered covered seams. Smocked outfits, all. Most ruched outfits, those with covered ruching seams and nothing poking through excepted. Nylons, hose, tights, all.
What I feel: Velvet, cotton balls, polyester fleece, pipe cleaners cause a “nails on chalkboard” shudder. Seams, rough texture, wool, ribbons, laces, small bits of elastic or rubber sticking through causes a burning itch. Nylons, hose, tights cause a burning heat that alternates with cold prickles through my lower legs. Toe seams on socks. During pregnancy, most sheets felt like sleeping on sandpaper.
What happens if I ignore it: I will scratch area until it hurts to make it stop itching. I will get red or bleeding marks on skin. I will have difficulty focusing on anything. I have cried uncontrollably. I have screamed. I unconsciously reach to where tags/seams/rough areas are and scratch. I will scratch the skin under that areas that itch until my skin bleeds, because I prefer the sensation of pain over the sensation of itching.
Solution: I buy my clothes with feel and by fiber. Rayon, bamboo, viscose, cotton, silk, and linen are usually safe. Looser clothes. Drawstring closures instead of elastic. Avoid ruching, lace, ribbons, nylons, hose, tights, wool. Buy underwear with covered elastic. Wear underwear and clothing with rougher seams inside-out. Complete removal of tags from all clothes—I have to cut open seams by removing the stitches, remove every last bit of tags from clothing and stitch it back up. Simply cutting the tag flush with the seam still leaves a bit of the tag touching my skin, causes redness/itching/sores. Use camisoles of at least 95% cotton or other natural fiber, worn seam-side out, for bra. Look for clothing recommended for people undergoing chemotherapy or radiation. I look for softer stretch jeans without a thick waist band and wide/boot cut/bell-bottom cut. For bedding, I use 100% cotton sheets with 300 thread count and preferably long staple cotton. For jewelry, I look for anything I can wear and forget that I am wearing. Soft leather cuff bracelets, solid sterling or solid gold pieces or solid brass pieces. My body is sensitive to the rest.
Aggravant: Hyperhydrosis, also known as “I sweat more than most people”
What causes it: my body has always sucked at regulating its temperature. When I hiked in the woods as a kid, I would come back soaked in sweat while other kids wearing the same kinds of clothes as me had no sweat. When participating in winter sports, my body sweats and the sweat freezes into ice against my feet/core/hands/face. Every day, palms get soaked while holding hands or objects, often wet enough for phone/tablet/objects to get dropped. The soles of my feet sweat so much they slip off yoga mats, slide off flip-flops and sandals. Armpits sweat, dripping sweat within hours of waking up. Sweat drips down chest/back within 60 seconds of exposure to temperature greater than 80 Fahrenheit.
What happens if I ignore it: People holding my hand let go and wipe their wet palms off, making an “ew” face. Phones have been destroyed by dropping. I’ve slipped/fallen from wet soles of feet sliding off footwear. Shirts soaked by sweat within minutes. Huge armpit sweat stains. Looking unprofessional in professional settings. Social awkwardness when I am supposed to shake hands. Yellow armpit stains on lighter colored clothing. Solutions:
Armpit sweat—use of Certain Dry antiperspirant daily after showering. Drying off wet armpits throughout day. Washing armpits with strong soap, occasionally alcohol hand sanitizer. Mitchum deodorant, several applications throughout day. Frequent covert sniffing armpits to see if I stink. Post-Covid destroying my sense of smell, asking trusted friends/family occasionally to see if I stink. Daily/twice daily showers. Purchasing tops with larger armscythes/armpit holes/one size up so fabric does not touch sweaty armpits. Wearing loosesleeveless tops in summer. Minimizing light colored clothing because sweat stains are real. Frequent scrubbing of armpits because build-up of deodorants is a thing. Avoiding roll-on deodorant, as that stuff feels like I dumped honey on my armpits. I tried the hippie crystal deodorant thingie all the ways, it does not work for me.
Overall body sweat in general: Limiting clothing to natural fibers—cotton, rayon, bamboo, viscose, linen, silk. Wool works well for some, not me. Long staple wool works for others, too, not for me. Avoiding all polyester mix fabrics as a base layer unless specifically woven to wick. Polyester makes natural fibers warmer, causing more sweat. I choose polyester-cotton mix for hoodies because warmth. Using a jacket or cardigan that can be removed as needed. Applying cornstarch powder, thin layer, to folds before sweating. Applying Certain Dry antiperspirant immediately post-shower to skin folds if I will be outdoor in heat in a professional setting. Otherwise tucking t-shirt into camisole to absorb sweat dripping down my back/stomach. Yes, I look weird. If I pretend I do not care, others pretend they do not care and we get along fine. Avoiding wearing layered tops, with the exception of a jacket/cardigan. Avoiding/minimizing clothing that is fitted and light-colored. Avoiding outdoors during heat of day. Was unable to feel comfortable with heat/sweat/etc., so did not attain my dream career. Instead pursued career that has me working air-conditioned settings. Some people get Botox injections to stop sweat. I have tried prescription strength deodorant on hands to stop hand sweat, this did not work for me.
Foot sweat: Summer footwear—Chaco sandals with the toe strap, have to frequently adjust toe strap to minimize strangling of big toe. Sandals made of leather with zero man-made/”vegan leather” facing of leather work well, too, as leather absorbs sweat. I read ingredients tag on shoe, avoid any sandals that say “man-made leather uppers”. Moccasin with real leather sole inside that does not have a “ledge” of leather on the foot sole. Etsy shop TreadLightGear product Raw Cut Inca Moccasin with Vibram Sole has been my go-to, the product is pricy at $270 for a pair. My pair was purchased four years ago, remains working well. Requires leather cleaning products/leather conditioning care about twice yearly. I had to send my pair back to have sole shortened. Lightweight mesh shoes for sneakers. Grippy foot socks and hand mitts when doing yoga. Have tried multiple allegedly wicking socks, so far socks with over 65% cotton work best for me. Wool socks do not work for me due to wool sensitivity. Have not found hiking boots that work for me.
Outdoor winter activities leaving me soaked in sweat, have not found a solution. Possible solution could be wicking silk underwear. Dharma Trading Company has silk knit underwear starting at around $15 per item for tops, I have not yet tried their products.
Hand sweat: I minimize holding hands, found a significant other who is cool with breaks to wipe sweat off during hand holding. I covertly wipe my hand prior to shaking hands.
Sounds Aggravants: Loud music/concert/noise I cannot escape or turn down or shut off. Constant background noise with words that I cannot understand, such as a radio turned down low in another room. Crying/fussing/calls of distress from any human or animal. Constant whooshing noise, such as toilet running, ceiling fan. Anything with a heavy beat I can physically feel in my body. Most white noise. Any high-pitched constant squeak such as comes from an older TV/computer monitor. Repeated higher-pitched unvaried bird/bug calls. Cicada chirps. Shouting/yelling/screaming. High pitched, strident voices. Loud voices. Voices at full-volume near my ear. Loud speakers. Alarms, all. All sound sensitivity is increased when I have earaches/ear infection/itchy ear canals, all of which are common with my body. With an ear infection in front of a loud industrial speaker during a calmly spoken sermon at church, it felt as though someone hammering my internal eardrums. With changes in altitude, it feels as though someone is shoving chopsticks into my ears, worse if active ear issues. Sharp sounds in echo-ey locations, gives the chopsticks-jamming-into-eardrums sensation. Tinnitus, which I have continuously in both ears. There are two different pitches, one in each ear. Sitting in a silent room makes the tinnitus louder.
What happens if I ignore it: After ten to fifteen minutes, I become jittery and must fight against yelling, screaming, or snapping. I begin to physically shake. After around 30 minutes, I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. I have screamed with extended exposure. I have taken apart particularly malfunctioning radios that made terrible sounds, and used the speaker magnets like so many hunting trophies on my fridge. I have smashed things satisfyingly, very carefully, only things that can be replaced. With whooshing sounds, I get an uncontrollable random full body shudder. Once this happened during a haircut, and the hair stylist treated me like a pervert afterwards, so now I warn stylists that I get full body shudders.
Solution: For constant background noise I cannot escape, one earbud in my ear playing music/podcast/audiobook I can focus on helps a lot. Lacking that, one foam ear-plug squished long and thin lengthwise then pushed into ear canal leaving a bit out, and left to expand makes noise tolerable. There are specialized ear plugs used by musicians in orchestra pits, I have not tried these yet. On earbuds, I listen to BBC radio. The most soothing podcast for me personally is “In Our Time” by the BBC. I also use Audible and library card with app Libby for free audiobooks, and search social media/Reddit/blogs/web search for deep voiced/lower pitched/soothing narrators. The Vaughan Williams Academy of St Martin-in-the-fields Neville Marriner 1972 album is particularly calming. I do not know why the higher pitches on it are not sensory aggravants.
Using a portable bluetooth speaker for watching movies at home so I can turn the volume up and down minimizes migraines from sounds. Hanging tapestries in echoey rooms at home minimizes painful echoes. I avoid concerts, crowded loud places. Turning down middle and high pitches on car radios helped. Take ear plugs to movies, or just plug my ears during the loud parts. In one particularly echoey room taught by a teacher with a strident voice, I used one ear plug or wore a thick large-hooded jacket to minimize the sound waves bouncing back into my ears.
Very high-pitched frequencies interfere with my constant ear-ringing (tinnitus) with what seems to be sound-wave interference. There are varying beats inside my head depending on what high-pitched frequency I am hearing.
If the noise is a cry of help, I figure out why the human or animal is crying and help them. Stray animals, to the humane society. Sick pet, to the vet. Crying baby, hold them or change diaper or bottle. If that is not possible, I go to another room and shut doors between us. Noise canceling headphones or earbuds can help. Personally, my ear canals are sensitive so I require earbuds with interchangeable rubber ear thingies. I always use the smallest size of ear thingies.
Pain and gut and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS, stupidest acronym ever) issues:
Issue: abdominal pain
What the aggravants are: I have medically diagnosed (after surgery, endoscopy, cystocopy, et al.) interstitial cystitis, endometriosis, and irritable bowel syndrome. This means I frequently have urinary tract infection symptoms while testing negative for an infectious agent in my urine, slow gastric motility, frequent nausea. Combined with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (dizzy when stand up, pulse increases 30 beats per minute upon standing), I get nausea upon standing. I get bloating. Any pressure on my abdomen is painful (clothing, pet or kid tromping on my belly, hand of significant other resting on my belly while we snuggle before sleep, etc.). I get increased dizziness after eating a large meal. There is frequent stabbing gut pain, sudden unpredicable urges to have a bowel movement or urinate. There is unpredictable constipation interspersed with liquid diarrhea. I have intense sensitivity to food poisoning, new food types must be introduced gradually or severe constipation or liquid diarrhea will occur. Frequent straining to evacuate bowels plus pregnancy has resulted in constant external hemorrhoids. I am in ongoing consultation with gut doctors to manage this whole shebang.
What happens if I ignore it: I wind up doubled over in agony.
Solution: I found a career that does not micromanage my bathroom breaks. Generic Miralax daily per gut doctor’s recommendation. Occasional writing all the foods and gut reactions down, exhaustively, has only shown that eating oatmeal is likely to cause a bowel movement soon. Testing for gluten allergy has been negative. Largely avoid new food groups from new restaurants, prepare most foods at home. I feel better with higher protein intake but a keto diet makes me feel angry. I live on rice, beans, frozen and seasonal fruits and vegetables, chicken, and an embarrassing amount of protein bars. I eat when I am hungry, and pay attention to food cravings. If the idea of eating a food makes me nauseous, I do not eat that food, for I will puke it up. Frequent use of anti-nausea medications, especially zofran. I try to eat smaller meals. I do not eat large meals while at work. I always take medications with food unless specifically contra-indicated.
Increasing salt intake helps decrease the dizziness with standing. A Mexican salted plum treat called saladitos helps with salt. I like the lemon flavor ones, but in general the salted plum is an aquired taste. Drinking pickle juice helps some. Eating salted pickles helps.
Gut issues and clothing: I cannot wear typical thick jeans because seams and the one-button closure irritates my skin and puts pressure on my bladder. I must wear stretchy denim with thin waistband, and preferably two-button, pull-on, or snaps for closure. I tend towards drawstring linen or palazzo pants without elastic, as any stretched elastic on my waistband causes painful abdominal pressure.
Specific brands and styles and clothes stuff brain dump:
I find traditional clothing styles such as cotton kurtas from India work well. Well-worn often-washed cotton clothing such as 100% cotton scrubs from the thrift store worn seam-side out on terrible sensory days is nice. Oddly, the cotton-polyester drawstring scrub pants at all the hospitals works well. Shopping for clothes at a thrift store and feeling for rough seams, soft fiber helps. Read tags for fiber content (then cut open the seams carefully and remove that itchy tag). Avoid decorations that touch skin such as non-cotton lace, non-silk ribbons. If in doubt, test inexpensive soft things you’ve purchased by burning a bit of a hidden seam. If the fabric burns instead of melting, you have a natural fiber. A crunchy or hard little melted plasticy ball or tar-like smell indicates polyester or other synthetic oil-based synthetic fibers. Target and Walmart frequently offer tag-free clothing. That is great. Expect the printed tag on clothing to melt in a hot dryer over time and become rough and itchy. Replace item or wear it inside out when that happens. There are hippie style clothes sewn with visible seams on the outside. I collect those kinds of clothes. I buy underwear that is cotton, silk, or linen. I look for covered seams, no lace or ribbons, and I usually wear it inside out. I often wear older-fashioned or vintage clothing or SCA/LARP kinds of clothes. Tap pants are nice. Bloomers are nice.

I've deleted the chapter where I meet "Whiskers" for a drink and have an unremarkable conversation with him for a few reasons... A) The conversation is BORING. B) Dude's wearing his mask, so we can't even laugh at him for being beardy. C) I've gone back over the entire Married Mary saga, and I'm disappointed in my writing.
I've gotten overly defensive because a few people made unflattering assumptions about the story version of 20-something Val (aka Ohhhhhh Peeeeeeeee). While I'll never stand for victim-blaming, I can certainly see where I could have filled in some gaps and avoided leaving my misguided younger self wide open for wild speculation about Funky. Why wouldn't you guys assume I was crushing on Funky Whiskers, given that I've kept my messy, melodramatic inner monologue a secret? Plus, most of you know that I'm gonna date Funky Whiskers eventually. I haven't shown my whole ass. I need to show my whole ass... And by "whole ass," I mean my raging crush on The Golden God.
The Married Mary saga's over halfway narrated (at the time of writing this), so please allow me to attempt whatever damage control I can cram in before the story wraps up, starting with my biggest blunder... I only mentioned my major love interest (D.E.N.N.I.S.) a handful of times, but my crush on him loomed quite large. Large enough to blind me to any other man's nasty-ass attempts to hit on me after he'd just finger-blasted a legbeard onstage. Perhaps unwillingly.
It's too late to re-write the earlier chapters and tell the story from a somewhat deranged, lovesick perspective (at least for the purpose of ReddX videos). However, I am turning this story into a novel, so I've already started having a blast channeling my ridiculously lovesick and melodramatic 20-something self. I'm not sure if that type of cringe would play well to the ReddX audience, but I feel confident that there's an audience for it somewhere.
So for whatever it's worth, please allow me to take you on a tour of the massive space in my brain in which Dennis lived rent-free for over a year...
The Golden Weasel
Now let’s spend some time delving into my attraction to a guy I should have been openly obsessing over from the very beginning of this story... Demonstrate Value. Engage Physically. Nurture Dependence. Neglect Emotionally. Inspire Hope. Separate Entirely. D.E.N.N.I.S.
The Golden God’s indifference was harrowing. I was so distraught! I was soooo in love! The exquisite agony of yearning for a man just out of my grasp... His presence alone could poison my poise. I never thought my eyes could rain a river that would smear, but after I fell in love with Dennis, I understood what middling poets meant by “drowning in your tears.” (wistful sigh) Yeah... this is gonna be a new brand of cringe.
Dennis was a massive dweeb who looked a lot like Moss from The IT Crowd, only much, much shorter. I'm 5'3'', and the dude only seemed taller than me because his wild hair added an inch or two to his stature. He was a "nerdy chic” short king, if you will. He wasn’t conventionally hot, but I personally found him unbearably attractive. Dennis was at the top of his class (in the cohort above me), he had a way of instantly putting people at ease, he laughed easily, and he had a theatrical background to boot.
He'd played Seymour in a fall production of Little Shop of Horrors during his second year as a Psychological Research grad student and I had seen the show. I quickly recognized him as Seymour on the first day of Abnormal Psych in the spring semester. We instantly bonded over theatrical nerdery and Dennis talked my ear off about himself long after class had ended. His dream role was Che in Evita. He wanted to teach at SUNY after he graduated since his best friend from high school lived in Buffalo, NY. He made extra cash bartending, although Dennis himself did not drink. He wasn’t a recovering alcoholic or anything, he just didn’t like losing control. I respected that. He also loved Fun (the band). Hey. So did I!!!! He asked me if I had any sort of job, and I began to tell him about my party princess gigs. He glazed over and grabbed my necklace. I froze.
Dennis: Nice. A fermata?
I nodded. “Uh-huhhhhh...” Why had it made my toes tingly when his fingertips grazed my sternum???
Dennis: Cool. That means “hold me,” right?
I nodded again.
He took my hand and dramatically bent to kiss it. I could smell his hair. It smelled like mandarins and mountain air. I desperately wanted to touch it. But he rose and sauntered away before I had a chance to react to his gesture. I remember thinking that he carried himself so very gracefully...
Class got cancelled the next week because the prof had some sort of family emergency, so I had a full two weeks to ruminate over my initial interaction with Dennis. We hadn’t exchanged contact info since we assumed we’d see each other the following week. But by the time two full weeks had passed, I had created an entire man in my mind. He looked like Dennis. He sounded like Dennis. He smelled like mandarins and mountain air. He was a theatre dude who liked to listen to Fun and was planning to teach at SUNY Buffalo. Those things were accurate and therefore harmless.
And now for the crap I made up... Dennis was also into video games, and his favorite was Mass Effect. I wasn’t very good at that one, so he’d walk me through Mass Effect, and I’d let him feel like the sexy teacher. He’d sit behind me, wrap his arms around me, and we’d share the controller until I got the hang of it. And in return, I would show him the best loot locations and mini-bosses on Pandora!
He was incredibly smart in a way that complimented my brand of intelligence. We were both “book smart,” but Dennis was better at discerning a person’s true intentions. This made him slightly less likable, but his skepticism balanced out my Pollyanna outlook, and my Pollyanna outlook softened his skepticism in a way that made him seem friendlier and easier to talk to. And we looked adorable together. Again... this was all fantasy. But it spiraled out of control over those two weeks. And by the time I saw Dennis again, I was fully infatuated with the version of him I’d created and thus, I was nervous as hell to even say, “Hello.”
But I nutted up and greeted him. He returned the gesture. He prattled on about himself some more after class, and I listened with dilated pupils and body language that mimicked his. He told me about a disastrous tech rehearsal for Little Shop where Audrey II had busted and a stagehand had to become a puppeteer. I laughed too hard. And I worried that my eyeliner was too heavy... Stop it, Val! Dennis is speaking! Shhhhh...
He went on and on about having been a camp counselor in high school. Camp Mohawk. I still remember. He would lead the campers on hikes through the mountains and he apparently told the best ghost stories thanks to his theatrical background. I told him I’d love to hear one of his ghost stories, and he promised he’d have one for me the following week.
I tried to talk about video games, and Dennis steered the conversation back to Camp Mohawk. It was in a beautiful part of upstate New York, and he intended to build a country house and spend his summers there once he had tenure. He made it sound lovely. I wondered if I would be able to genuinely enjoy a country house near The Catskills or if I’d have to play pretend in order to make myself the perfect partner for The Golden God. A little pretending and some minor discomfort would be totally worth it if I were able to have Dennis in my life well into our later years.
In a way, I want to yell at my younger self for getting all mushy over this bozo and romanticizing a place I’d never even thought about just because he loved it. But then I think that if the interpersonal connection had been legit, letting him choose the location of our summer house wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world. If we’d genuinely clicked on a meaningful level, I would have loved upstate New York simply because it had a special place in his heart. Alas, Dennis didn’t give a fuuuuuuu about me, so all this hypothetical willingness to compromise for the sake of our imaginary relationship was totally cringe.
Okay, I’m starting to hit my limit with the mushy crap, although I'll have to circle back to it at some point. Hopefully you get the idea. Dennis wasn’t a menace (yet). He wasn’t a neckbeard. He wasn’t necessarily cold. Well, not always. He had great stories. He was charismatic. I already had a crush on him, so he barely had to do anything to make me swoon. But he was fuuuucking full of himself. Let’s pop over to The Spring Stage (my personal favorite local theatre) and meet one of my best friends in the world. My voice teacher (even to this very day). We’ll call him Darius.
At my voice lesson the next week, I was all shifty and giggly as I warmed up.
Darius: What’s with you this week? Wait... Don’t tell me. It’s a BOY.
Me (giggling): You know me too well!!! YES! I have the biggest crush on this guy from grad school. And he’s in the theatre community, so you might know him.
Darius: Do tell!
Me: Dennis Gold? He played Seymour...
Darius: OH. MY. GOD. VAL!!! That guy’s a little WEASEL! My wife ran tech for a show he did at The Penny, and she said he was a total prima donna. I’ve met him a few times and he’s nothing but a braggadocious butthead.
I feigned indignation. “No he’s not! He’s such a sweetheart! And he’s sooo funny!”
Darius: Funny HOW?
I started to stammer something, but I wasn’t sure that I had an answer.
Darius: He’s only funny if he’s got a script. Anything that seems amusing is probably from some pickup artist website or some obscure play that he studied at that pretentious theatre camp he went to.
Me: The one in The Catskills? He said it was outdoorsy and rugged.
Darius laughed out loud. “That prissy little piece of pig shit wouldn’t last ten minutes in the rugged outdoors. I lived in New York a few years ago. That “camp” is where a bunch of rich theatre kids stay in a renovated mansion down the street from a swanky dinner theatre. They practice their show for six weeks and then perform it for all the snooty, rich parents. It’s nowhere near The Catskills. It’s in Manhattan.”
Something between my chest and my belly button suddenly felt tight. I stared blankly at the sheet music in front of me. Truth be told, a cushy mansion and a performance at a swanky dinner theatre seemed more to my liking than rugged mountaineering. But why had Dennis lied? Oh!!! He must have wanted to seem more masculine! And that meant that he must have liked me!!!!! I no longer cared about the lie.
And while I 100% believed Darius about the prima donna attitude and the incessant bragging (because I could kinda tell already), those traits didn't bother me. A lot of time would pass before I would fully understand the difficulties associated with getting somewhat romantically involved with a male prima donna who had the emotionally sensitivity of a fucking turd.
Feeling empowered and having convinced myself that Dennis definitely liked me, I paid to have my hair done, wore a low-cut top and a push-up bra to class, and made sure to top off my look with the fermata necklace. Did my ridiculous seduction preparation work? Actually... yeah. Kind of. That was the day when Dennis finally suggested that we exchange contact info. I was overjoyed. Lucy knew about my crush, but she didn’t actually know Dennis, so I called her and gushed about the exchanging of phone numbers and Facebooks.
Lucy was very, VERY relationship minded. That’s one of the reasons her hatred of Mary's fat, cheating ass ran so deep. Personally, I’d had exactly zero interest in having a serious relationship after I finally broke up with Fart-Knocking Jar-Jar Binks. He wasn’t a bad dude. We were incompatible as hell in the bedroom, though. And I acted like a total bitch to him, accusing him of being positively wretched in the sack. I used to tell him, mocking his obnoxious Jar-Jar voice, "Every time yousa horny, mesa dries up."
Jar-Jar: Noooooo! Mesa want poosey! Pweeeeeeeeease!
In truth, the boom-boom wasn’t working because I was too inexperienced to identify (much less articulate) what was making me uncomfortable. I mean, I'd tell my girlfriends, "Imagine getting bumpily humped by some dude who's just ripped a ripe one and is dropping P-bombs in a Jar-Jar Binks voice. Then he pulls a dramatic O-face after just a few pumps..." But that wasn't really the problem. It sounded funny when I only told the worst of the worst experiences (and so that became my go-to narrative on girls' night), but he actually didn't act like a goofball in the bedroom every single time. And he wasn't a premie. I only added that part when I was mad at him. Like I said. I was a bitch.
The truth was that I hated his brand of dirty talk, his body language, his O-face, the sounds he made in his sleep, his obsession with The Phantom Menace, and his unwillingness to let me pick the movie. But I had a lot of fun going to shows with him and I enjoyed his standup (tons of fart jokes). And he had a really cool dog! Okay, back to the bitchin'...
Jar-Jar seemed to have been extremely inspired by the 'nography he'd insisted we watch together (I wasn't impressed), and he would always get aggressive and pull stupid faces like the male "actors" did, yet he would make the sounds that the female "actors" made. It was suuuuper weird. And he lacked the emotional maturity to imagine that his way of doing things might not be every woman’s personal preference. He was one of those, “You need to learn to like what I like” guys.
That probably sounds beardy, and maybe it was. I still wouldn’t classify Jar-Jar as a neckbeard. He was a bit of a know-it-all, but he wasn’t overly entitled and (if anything) he had a deflated sense of self. And he wasn't smelly or gross aside from the frequent flatulence, which he probably did because I found it hilarious at first. But, you see... I'm a fart joke connoisseur, while Jar-Jar liked to pretend he was a fart sommelier. He would rip one into the couch cushion, get up and start describing the "peaty, earthy notes and the gentle sulfur finish." That was funny as hell to me the first time he did it. But it got old. And it eventually became gross and annoying, especially when he ostentatiously broke wind when it was indisputably socially inappropriate to do so. I really wish I had a video of my dad, a typically mild-mannered man, losing his cool when Jar-Jar reenacted a scene from Thunderpants (1:31) at my parents' anniversary dinner.
Anyway, back to Lucy’s approval... Lucy wanted to get married and have babies and she couldn’t imagine how any woman could have different desires. I’d espoused a pretty pessimistic attitude towards romance, and that worried Lucy because she wanted her version of “the best” for me, which was both sweet and slightly annoying. Both of us had been boy crazy in middle school and high school. But once we got to college, Lucy’s boy craziness went off the charts while mine simmered down. Now that I had a raging crush on a guy, Lucy was thrilled for me. She had her own raging crush on a recently divorced dude she’d met in a production of Noises Off. But she suspected that he was gay (he was).
Did I suspect the same of Dennis? Of course. After what my voice teacher told me about the prima donna attitude and the pretentious theatre camp? My gaydar was definitely activated. So Lucy and I would spend hours every night that week musing over whether or not our respective crushes liked to chug dong. We met up with George Gay, presented our cases, allowed him to stalk our crushes on social media, and asked him for his expert opinion. Of course, George asserted that they were both flaming gaylords. Obvi.
But the very next week, Dennis offered to walk me to my car after class and properly kissed me in the parking lot. And it was a really good kiss. The baby bear's porridge of kisses. Not too short, not too long, not too aggressive, not too timid... just right. My heart soared. I nearly had a wreck on the way home because I was too busy singing along with Liza Minelli to drive properly. “All the odds are in my favor. Something’s bound to begin!”
Well, it would be a while before anything of note began*.* Dennis casually mentioned that he was a born-again Christian, though. The Christian part was cool, but just how "born again" were we talking???
Dennis: Don't worry. I'm not a virgin or anything (wink).
Me: You didn't strike me as a virgin. But I couldn't read that wink.
Dennis leaned closer and whispered, "I think I want you."
Me: I think that statement would be hotter if you were sure.
Dennis: I sometimes struggle with intimacy. I'll have to call my best friend in New York and get him to pray about it. I'll have an answer for you by this weekend.
Me: But I never asked. I like you, but that doesn't mean I'm focused on... that. Let's maybe just enjoy getting to know each other?
And then he put his arm around me and launched into Berowne's monologue from Love's Labor's Lost. When I got home, I googled that monologue and poured over every word for hours, trying to decide whether Dennis had been trying to tell me something without saying it outright or if he was just randomly monologuing (as he was wont to do). Dread prince of plackets? King of codpieces? A whitely wanton with a velvet brow, with two pitch-balls stuck in her face for eyes??? I'd never really studied Shakespeare in depth since I've always been a musical theatre nerd. So I felt confused.
And then I got a message from Dennis that made me all tingly on one hand... But it was strange on the other hand. It wasn't a selfie. It certainly wasn't a sausage selfie. It looked like he'd hired a professional photographer to snap golden hour pics on a mountainside. The Golden Hour God was shirtless with his jeans partially undone, showing off black, shiny underwear. His upper body looked amazing. Not beefy, but nicely toned (my personal preference), and he seemed to be going for a smoldering face. But he actually looked a bit angry.
I replied. "Very artsy. Very handsome!"
Dennis: So is that a yes?
Me: What was the question?
He sent me a wav file. "Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me, Ohhhhhh..."
Me: You look great, for sure. More factors contribute to THAT kind of wanting than good looks, though. My question is - Do you wan't me?
Dennis: Well, if I say it outright... it's a sin.
Me: Like I said. It doesn't need to be about sex. I genuinely like you as a person. I'm grateful to have you in my life. Isn't that more important???
Dennis. Got it. Never mind.
Me: I'm trying to be supportive of your beliefs! I'm trying not to put pressure on you. Have I said something wrong?
No response. I texted again. "Please finish this conversation with me. I'm not mad and I really do think you look amazing in the picture."
I didn't hear from him again that night. In fact, I'd heard nothing by the time the next Abnormal Psych class rolled around. My chest was in knots. My hands were like ice. I could feel my knees knocking like a nervous cartoon character's.
And then he sauntered in. He and I usually sat together in the front row, playfully trying to outdo each other when it came to answering questions and offering examples. We were a couple of Hermiones. The professor teased us about being overzealous, but he also liked us because he could tell we took the class very seriously. I loved having someone to sit with who was as committed to his studies as... Wait... What the hell?
As I was once again admiring random things about him and wondering exactly what it meant that we had been sitting together since the first day of class, Dennis altered his saunter and almost skipped to the back of the classroom where he launched into a comedic monologue that I didn't recognize in front of a small group of girls. They giggled. My blood boiled. My face went hot. The tightest in my chest released and morphed into a swarm of bees, repeatedly stinging me from the inside.
I made a dramatic show of slamming my books on the table. And then I sat down very gingerly, crossed my ankles, and poised myself. Book open to the appropriate chapter. Assigned article printed, highlighted, covered in posit-it notes and ready for me to critique. Favorite pen resting in my left hand atop one of those ridiculous Lisa Frank notebooks that I refused to stop using, despite being a freakin' adult and going through three or four of them per class. This one had colorful dolphins on it.
I could hear the girls in the back politely clap, but I couldn't tell if they were mocking Dennis or getting smitten with him. Either way, I was irrationally mad at them. The Golden Goofball pulled up a seat in the front row, but not next to me for once. My hands were shaking now. I steeled myself and exhaled as Dr. Roman took his place at the podium and instructed us to take out the materials that were already neatly arranged in front of me.
Up to that point, I had been pretending (to Dennis) that I found the class challenging since it was a second-year class and I had decided to take it during my first year. In truth, I loved the class, had learned how to use the DSM-IV as an undergrad, and I was asking for Dennis' help to facilitate feelings of manliness in him (and to have an excuse to talk to him). It worked for Cady Heron! Seems like Mean Girls had been onto something... And I didn't worry about getting caught because I wasn't playing dumb, I was just pretending to need a little many guidance. BARF. Please don't downplay your own intelligence to make some prima donna's head get even bigger so that maybe they'll like you. It's super cringe. I see that very clearly now. Hell, I'll see it very clearly before the end of the story.
Dennis turned to me and said aloud, "You cool if I sit over here?"
My grip tightened on my favorite pen and I ground my ankle bones together, covertly took in a deep breath and said in a sweetly icy voice, "Why wouldn't I be?" I flashed him a fake smile, sat up even straighter and focused on the powerpoint presentation on the screen.
After I'd held my own in class with no help from Dennis and his "magnificent brain," he waited for me at the end of the front row as everyone was leaving. "Looks like you don't need my help with the DSM anymore."
I caught his gaze and he quickly looked down at the table. "That's right. You're finally shot of me."
Dennis: I don't want to shoot you! Babe, you have to understand...
Me: I meant RID of me. The Brit comes out when I'm cross.
Dennis grabbed my shoulders and belted, "Suddenly Seymour...."
I shrugged him off. "Save it. I've got things to do after class."
Dennis: Wait! Babe! I thought you liked my singing!"
I spun around and said in a quieter voice so as not to become a spectacle, "This has nothing to do with your singing. You got super weird with me last week and you've been avoiding me ever since. Have an adult conversation with me or fuck off."
Dennis: Babe! You know I don't curse.
Me: Yeah, well sometimes I do.
So much for not making a spectacle. I tightened my grip on my stack of books and notebooks, made a clawed fist with my keys like I always do as I'm leaving a public place, and stalked out of the building. I kind of expected Dennis to run after me and finish our conversation in private since he had not been following what I was trying to say to him. But when I reached my Silver Prius (customized with geeky decals all over the back windshield), I turned around to find myself alone. My heart, having been pounding in self-righteous fury during the long walk to the parking lot, now sank dejectedly into my belly. I felt ill.
Later that night, Dennis rang. Not a text. And actual voice-on-voice phone call. I wanted to ignore it the way he'd ignore my texts the previous week. But Dennis always made my spine feel funny. Not the way nasty-ass neckbeards or creepy nice guys powder our spines... You know when you're so into someone that a chill runs all the way down your spine, and then a charge rushes right back up your spine whenever you encounter them? Is that just me? Anyway. I was under the spell of the crush, and I had no desire to break it yet.
Me: Did you mean to call me, or was this a butt dial?
Dennis laughed. "Nah. I wanted to call. Actually... I wanted to see you."
Me: Why??? I feel like I never say the right thing to you and I just wind up getting on your nerves when I'm trying to give you compliments.
Dennis: Uhhhh... I think I communicate better in person.
Me: Yeah. Same. Are we the last of the humans who prefer face-to-face interaction?
Dennis: Maybe it's a theatre person thing?
I wanted to point out that he'd been complete DOG SHIT at communicating in class earlier that day. But it felt like we were bonding again. Even if the matter was relatively trivial, my anger was going away and I was starting to jones for a hug from The Golden God. So I agreed to meet at a coffee shop near his apartment.
And he was super intense when I walked in to the coffee shop. He stood up, seemed to glide over to the entryway, and wrapped me up and an uncomfortably tight embrace that nonetheless warmed my heart. When he finally pulled away, he took my hand, laced his fingers through mine, led me to a booth and insisted that we sit beside one another.
Me: Dennis, I'm getting whiplash. I don't know if you loathe me or like me.
Dennis: I like you. Maybe I like you too much. That's why I get sensitive.
He took off his glasses and pulled me in for a long, deliberate kiss. What was happening??? He hadn't kissed me like that since the very first time we'd kissed. When he finally unlocked our lips, he took my face in his hands, and was able to hold eye contact with me for the first time in a long time.
His voice shook as he said quietly, "I. Want. You."
Me: Okay... You mean...
Dennis nodded.
I pulled back and little and took his hands. "Listen. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Heck, I'm not even sure that I'm ready to completely take that plunge."
Dennis: I thought you thought I was attractive...
"I do!" I brazenly kissed his lips, but he pulled away. "I mean it. I really do. You're gorgeous. It's just that I've never had great experiences with... that. Honestly, I'm kinda scared."
Dennis: I told you I'm not a virgin. I know how to do it.
Me: That's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared of pain.
Dennis seemed to regain some of that over-the-top confidence that he typically radiated. "Wow. Now you're sounding more like the virgin."
Me: I'm okay with that. If it's ever gonna happen, I'd prefer it if you treated me like a virgin instead of trying to recreate a scene from a porno. That's what most guys do and it totally takes me out of the game.
Dennis made an ick face. "I've never even seen anything of that nature. I wouldn't even know how to begin to recreate that trash."
Me: That actually makes me feel calmer about... going there.
Dennis: Now???
Me: It happens with it happens.
Dennis: Can it pleeeeease be now? I'm not kidding, Val. There's an ache...
He gestured to his crotch. Got it. I guess this was happening. He left a 20 dollar bill on the table, even though I'm pretty sure he'd only had a cup of coffee and I hadn't had the chance to order anything at all since the server had been too uncomfortable to approach the table.
Surprisingly, it went quite well. For the first time in my life, I was intimate with a guy who took things slowly... Well, he took it slowly once I told him it wasn't going to happen at all unless he pumped the brakes. Out in the world, Dennis was constantly onstage. But in the bedroom, he acted like a normal human being. He was considerate. He was careful not to hurt me. The actual intimacy was over very quickly, but we were able to give it another go later that night. After some shockingly normal pillow talk, where Dennis stopped acting like the center of the universe for one peaceful moment, I stood up to get dressed.
Dennis: You're not sleeping over?
Me: No. It takes me a while before I can literally sleep with someone.
Dennis: But we just...
Me: It's a different kind of intimacy. Different kind of trust. I was the kid who couldn't go to sleep at slumber parties. Not even in high school.
Dennis: Your parents had to come get you? That's cute.
Me: No. I usually just started at the ceiling and made up stories in my head all night. If you really want me to stay over, I can stare at your ceiling all night. Maybe I'll think of a good story while you sleep.
Dennis: Nah. That's kinda cool, actually. I love that you're not clingy.
I leaned over and kissed him. He let me take the lead for once. "Don't mistake my lack of clinginess for lack of caring. I like you." And then I added in a tone that was both playful and stern, "Don't ever freakin' ignore me again. Mutual respect from here on out?"
Dennis: Absolutely!
As my jelly legs carried me to the parking lot of Dennis' apartment complex, I finally understood what people meant when they said they were "satisfied" after knocking boots. In the past, I had always felt a perverse sense of accomplishment for having endured the unpleasantness of bumpy thrusts, bizarre noises, and the repetition of that hideous phrase, "Yeah, baby. I know you like that." I didn't. But I had liked what just happened with Dennis. As if I hadn't been smitten enough already. Now I was full of oxytocin. I was done for.
And for the next few weeks, Dennis was a sweetheart. He was still braggadocious and, being madly in love with him by this point, I found it endearing. We saw each other three or four times a week, and I felt increasingly at ease around him. I was even comfortable enough to (literally) sleep in the bed with him from time to time. Oooof. I just felt it. I've been writing a bunch of awkward romance, but I haven't even provided any real smut or any good cringe. Or is my pathetic crush cringe-worthy? I really have no way of knowing how this bit of the story is going to play. Apologies. It'll get gross here in a minute, though!
Basically, Dennis was as full of himself as ever, but he was suuuuper nice now that I was a direct line to his precious orgasm. And the bedroom stuff remained great. For those first few weeks, at least. Then the semester ended and Dennis went radio silent. I crumbled into a complete mess. Crying on the phone to Lucy. Going out and getting as drunk as my body would permit, as a massive F-YOU to Dennis' arrogant abstinence. And I wrote. Holy shit, I WROTE. Pages upon pages of nauseating, meandering prose about a vanishing romance. Not unlike what's coming out of my brain right now as I attempt to channel 2011 Dennis-obsessed Val.
And then Dennis called me out of the blue, acting like nothing was weird. He wanted me to come over, and... Yeah. I was elated that things were back on, and I assumed he would explain his absence. He didn’t. He stroked the side of my face, kissed my forehead, and started at me intensely.
Me: What's up? Is something wrong or is this just a dramatic moment?
Dennis: I trust you. I feel safe with you.
Me: Thanks. That means a lot to me.
Dennis: And I think we're a great team. In and out of bed.
My heart was pounding.
Dennis: Val...
Me: Yes...
Dennis: I need to ask you something. You can give it some thought if you need to. It's a pretty big ask...
Oh my GOD. This was it. He must have needed those few weeks to do some soul-searching. He was about to say he loved me! He was about to ask me to be his girlfriend! At the very least, he was about to ask...
Dennis: Anal?
Me: Wha-huh?
Dennis: Uh. You know? Butt stuff?
I sat up and covered my nakedness with his shirt. "NO! Ew!!! What's wrong with you???"
Dennis: I mean, lots of people do it.
Me: I DON'T.
Dennis: Oh. Okay. Well, I certainly wouldn't want to be that pushy guy who pressures you into doing something you're not comfortable with. But could we maybe...
Me: NO! Butt stuff is not up for discussion. That's a hard pass for me. Dude, I thought you were a Christian!
Dennis: I am!!! That's why I wanna switch to butt stuff. It's not a sin.
Me: Oh, for God's sake. Don't take the scriptures so literally. Butt stuff between men and women isn't mentioned in the Bible because people didn't even talk about that shit back then.
Dennis: No!!! It's a purer form of lovemaking. You can't get pregnant.
Me: Pure??? Sticking your penis in the POOP CHUTE is pure... You're deluded.
Dennis: I wouldn't need to wear a rubber if you let me go in the back. I kind of struggle with the morality of contraception, too.
Me: Are you insane??? Butt sex is the easiest way to spread STIs!!!
Dennis: Really? But you can't get preg... Oh right... I guess there's still a mucus membranes and stuff.
Me: Yeah, and you're more likely to BLEED, so you're more likely to get cooties in your bloodstream. Can we please stop talking about this? It's making me queasy.
Dennis: I get it. It was just a thought. You gonna stay the night?
Me: Not tonight. I need to go home and wash off this conversation. But I'll call you later. Kay?
Dennis nodded. But he didn't answer when I called him. He blocked me on Facebook. He didn't return me e-mails. That was that, I suppose. By refusing his butt-blasting request, I had ruined my chances with The Golden God. I began to consider trying it. I'd get a high colonic. I'd get George's Gay's advice on the best lubricants. Even if it was as awful as I predicted it would be, it would show him that I was willing to put his needs before my comfort level! That's love... right??? (OMG. NO, you little romance novice! Get a CLUE!) I just had to wait for him to finish feeling slighted, get horny, swallow his pride, and call me up (acting like he hadn't dropped off the face of the Earth for... What was it now... Over a month????)
I'm pressing pause right here while Dennis is radio silent because I sense that it's getting long. Next time I see you, George Gay and I will be rehearsing for Cats!

Hi, I wanna start this off by saying I know I'm not at fault I know I've done some troubling things. I also want to state that I'm 16 a sophomore. This might be a long read my apologies I just need to know if I'm really in the wrong here. So so sorry for the long read
I'm 16 in my 2nd year of high-school I'm a frequent class skipper I never thought that was an issue just skipping classes, however my principal found major issues with it. Now I would like to make it known that I have been taking to juvenile detention when I was 14 (if this is unccomfortable to read warnings here warning of SA and groping) when I was 14 I was assaulted by a 17yr. I was always tough it's not right to let people put hands on others my dads always warned me of assulters and to always keep something to protect myself. I'm only 5'4 and 120lbs I had a box cutter that I didn't use on the boy only threated and I was told that was a strike (yes this happened on my school campus) the other incident I was groped by a boy 15yrs old I landed a slap and scratches him I didn't know that would result in m arrest I was only kept in juvenile detention for a day and when I was speaking to officers and attorneys they found my situation a little unbelievable but my school was set of charging me (I was charged with class c misdemeanor) from then on my principal specifically has had some odd eye on me. Moving from year 14 to 16 I've been suspended out of school for skipping which seems an odd punishment for missing classes but I didn't think anything of it. Till I was searched. My second year of high-school roles around ands I was Called into his office for a "warning" about my skipping I had sat down I his office and I shuts and locks the door and proceeded to search both my bag and my pockets without permission and without anyother staff being present when he searched me and found no kind of contraband he proceeded to try and 'search' my chest. I no longer Identify as a woman and haven't by this time but it's obvious I'm female he tried to get me to let him search the inside of my bra because "he knows girls keep things in their bras" by this point I was becoming angry and already felt unsafe I demanded he left me go and he only agreed when I threatened to call parents, he suspended me for a day not disclosing to my parents why I had been. My parents brushed it off as it was just for me skipping I kept quiet about him touching me and searching me. Time skip to the 16th of April I had been skipping my first period class (greenhouse) it's not abnormal for FEMALE staff to check the bathrooms for skippers what's abnormal was the principal (this is a cis man who's nearing 50s?) To come on and threaten to call my parents to get me. I hadn't refused to leave the bathroom I simply stated I'll go to my class after I was done fixing up my makeup I wasn't being defiant. I had agreed to go to the office under the impression that my mom was there to get me however she wasn't there at all (she wasn't actually called to get me till 11 am) My principal proceeded to take my bag without my permission again to search it (again no other staff present) he found nothing and only called in another teacher when he searched my person this time he was told by the other teacher he brought in that it wasn't okay to put his hands on me. While he was searching me I had kept asking what I was being searched for and why I was there if it wasn't for skipping he didn't disclose why I was being searched. So I had went back to class I found it odd when the office assistants tried to stop me from going to class but I brushed by, now normally there's no issue sending kids back to class if no contraband or anything was found I thought I was okay to go to my class. I was so so wrong because as I was on my way the principal started YELLING that I wasn't allowed to go he had actually swore at me that "You are fucking going to class if you go you'll only make it worse for yourself " he tried to grab me and he tried hard his behavior was so odd that another teacher my old softball coach screamed at him asking what he thought he was doing it was only then that he backed off. I had gone through my classes without issue so I was surprised when I was picked up by my parents. We didn't have a clear idea why I was being suspended or sent home till this morning (10 am April 17th) where it was announced that he MY PRINCIPAL was demanded I be drug tested before I'm allowed on campus again my parents had refused because they have no reason other than "word of mouth" he said in the email. And I need to know should I be tested for nothing? Should I really be targeted like this for him finding nothing on me twice? Am I or my parents wrong?

Everyone has that special toy they had growing up. A toy that was more than just a plaything, it was a companion. For me, it was Baro, the beast knight. It was an action figure from “Knights of Hukra.” Does anyone remember that anime? This toy was a huge part of my early childhood. I would take it with me anywhere I went; watch cartoons with it – I even took it to school with me. When times were tough, when teachers were mean to me, when bullies messed with me, I had Baro. This, of course, didn’t last. He was ripped from me by a bully and thrown into the woods. Despite days of searching, I could never find him.
A little background on the show. The main characters were the heroic Karo, the flame knight; Nera, the water knight; Drahu, the air knight, and finally, Baro, the earth knight (though he was more commonly known as the beast knight.) Three of the knights used weapons to control their given element. Baro, despite having an ax, couldn’t control earth. Instead, he could turn into animals and communicate with them. He kept his face covered by a mask, and never spoke to the human characters. When he spoke to the animals, it was always at a distance so the audience couldn’t hear him. The anime was a “monster of the week” type show. Said monsters were almost always controlled by a human antagonist. My favorite of them being a kraken that was being controlled by the star magic wielding pirate, Captain Radu Scurvy. Nera had once been a part of his crew. The show had a bit of an environmental message.
The anime was dubbed into English in the early 2000’s and was heavily censored. The man who wrote and drew the manga the anime was based on was inspired by western cartoons, so it didn’t quite look like a standard anime. It ran for 20 episodes before being canceled due to low viewer counts. It spawned a very short-lived and derivative card game and a few toys. It didn’t have much popularity outside of my hometown, Silvervein, which had a large Japanese population.
I wasn’t liked very much. I like to dress like a girl, so I got bullied a lot. Me bringing a doll to school probably didn’t help matters. The biggest jerk I had to deal with was a boy named Tamaki. He was the one who took Baro from me and threw him into the woods. There wasn’t much I could do about him; his dad was close friends with the mayor, so Tamaki could get away with just about anything.
My family left Silvervein after a teenager, her dad, and the mayor were murdered by the teenager’s brother, who is still on the run. The news scared my parents enough to want to leave. We ended up going to Portland, which was on the other end of the state from Silvervein. The move was hard, as they always are. I didn’t miss anyone from Silvervein, but I did miss my toy. My parents got me DVDs of Knights of Hukra. I think they did this to distract me from everything going on.
The new school I went to had an anime club, which I brought my DVDs to. The club members were enamored with the show. There was a bit of an argument about whether it actually was an anime since the character designs were western inspired, but a look at the back of the box settled that argument. Bloody anime purists. I met my three best friends in that club: Amy, Jack, and Richie.
Amy was my closest friend; she used to drag me to the mall to go clothes shopping. She didn’t have any female friends to do that with. I was happy to have someone supportive of my crossdressing. Jack and Richie would make fun of me, of course. However, if anyone else made fun of me, they would throw fists. No one made fun of their friend but them. I ended up teasing them in return, implying they might be hiding a crush on me.
In our last year of high school, my friends saved up and bought me a vintage Baro action figure. When I saw that hunk of plastic in my hands, waves of nostalgia radiated through me like warm sunlight on a cool spring morning. I was happy, yet, I also felt lonely. I didn’t have friends in Silvervein, Baro kind of replaced them. Now that I had friends, I felt weird holding something like this. Still though, I was very appreciative. I hugged them all, even giving the boys a kiss on the cheek each for no other reason than to gross them out.
After high school, Amy and I ended up getting an apartment together while she was in college. She was studying education since she planned on being an English teacher in Japan. I was able to help her study with her Japanese since I was fluent from my days in Silvervein. Well, I was mostly fluent; I was never able to decipher Kanji despite years of study.
I was trying to be an author. I had started about six different novels, but dropped them after a couple chapters. I had a few short stories in various publications, and I started playing tabletop RPGs to help me with my writing. To pay the bills, I ended up dishwashing. It was not a glamorous job, and I ended up smelling like garbage at the end of a shift. My writing was getting stagnant, like the dishwater at my job. I could start a project but couldn’t stick to it for the life of me.
One day, Amy, myself, Jack, and Richie were at a Chinese buffet. Jack was working as a janitor at the orphanage he grew up in, and Richie was working in his uncle’s garage. Things were going alright for the four of us for the most part. We were having fun talking about geek stuff and just unwinding. About an hour into dinner, Amy brought up an idea.
“Gabe, the town you grew up in is mostly Japanese, right?” Amy asked me.
“Yeah, it was founded by Japanese P.O.W.s who escaped from American internment camps after World War 2,” I said.
“Think I could see it?” Amy asked, a smile spread across her lips.
“It’s way up North,” I said, surprised by her request, “it’s almost at the Canadian border.”
“Road trip!” Jack said, throwing his fists in the air, and catching the attention of the other customers. Richie smacked Jack in the stomach with a disapproving glare.
“You want to come with us?” Amy asked, surprised.
“Hell yeah!” Jack said, “Richie can borrow a car from his uncle and we can all go. We could use a vacation.”
“Bold of you to assume I want to come, or that my uncle would lend me a car,” Richie remarked disapprovingly, folding his arms.
“Oh come on, like you’re going to miss the chance of hitting on some sexy Japanese girls,” Jack chuckled, earning him an eye roll from both me and Amy.
“You drive a hard bargain,” Richie smirked. Amy smacked the back of his head. Richie whined, “what? Did you two want some alone time or something?”
“I’m going because I want to expose myself a bit to Japanese culture, not to get my dick wet,” Amy quipped, cocking an eyebrow.
“You don’t have a dick,” Richie retorted.
“That you know of,” I interjected jokingly, doing my best to hold back a chuckle. It escaped when Amy smacked my arm.
The boys teased Amy a good bit after my comment. We ended up agreeing to go on the trip. I figured it would be good to help me stir up my creative juices. Amy had some time off school coming up. Richie and Jack were able to get time off pretty easily and Richie got his hands on a van. I, on the other hand, didn’t have such an easy time. I wasn’t able to get the time off I wanted, so I put in my two-week notice. It was just a dishwashing job; I could get another one elsewhere after I got back. After I served my two weeks, we left.
The trip was glorious. Maine has some really pretty scenery. We ended up taking a longer route so we could hit the beach. Amy convinced me to wear a bikini, which I had been hesitant to do since I was still so body conscious. When I stepped out in the bikini, Jack and Richie gagged, saying they could see my dick. Amy and I kicked sand at them. The four of us spent the day at the beach, drinking beer late into the night and enjoying a nice fire. I don’t think it was legal, but fuck it; we were having fun and the cops were never called.
After Jack and Richie headed back to the hotel to catch some sleep, Amy and I were still on the beach.
“So, Gabey, are you going to miss me when I’m gone?” Amy asked, toasting a marshmallow on a stick.
“Of course I am, I can’t drag those idiots with me to bra fittings,” I teased. I knew she planned on leaving, but I never really thought it through. She had been a constant companion for years now. She would be gone soon though. I think Amy saw my face fall because she put a hand on mine.
“You could come with me,” Amy said, softly.
My heart skipped a beat, I stared into Amy’s emerald green eyes. Her lips were spread into an enchanting smile. I didn’t know how I felt. I kept my emotional distance because I didn’t think she saw me like that. I never really let any feelings flourish. I didn’t know if any actually existed. I looked into the fire. I didn’t know how to answer her question.
“You don’t have to answer right away,” Amy said, then chuckled and added, “I know you’re not too hot on the idea of living in Japan with how bad your Kanji is.”
That got a chuckle out of me. I rubbed her hand with my thumb. Even if my feelings for her weren’t romantic, I enjoyed this. I put my head on her shoulder. “I need some time to think this through,” I told her. We sat there, staring into the fire in silence, just enjoying the cool breeze, the warmth, and crackling of the fire.
It took another couple days to reach Silvervein, it was getting more and more foggy as we drove. The temperature plummeted as we drove, you wouldn’t have thought it was summer. Richie was having trouble seeing the road ahead of him, especially with the windy roads with trees on either side. I looked around at the familiar scenery, it felt wrong. I don’t know why, but I felt like we were being watched. I squeezed Amy’s hand for comfort.
“Fuck, this is unnerving,” Richie said softly, having slowed the van down a bit.
“Damn it, I packed a tent for camping,” Jack groaned.
“Yeah, that ain’t happening, Buddy,” Richie mumbled, distracted by the road.
Jack stared out a window. His brow was furrowed. When I asked him what was going on, he gasped, “I think that deer is following us.”
Amy giggled and kicked the back of his chair, he was riding shotgun while Amy and I were in the back seat. “You little bitch,” Amy laughed.
“I’m serious, I’ve seen that same five point buck like six times in an hour,” Jack snorted.
“How do you know it’s the same one?” I asked.
“It’s got a heart in its fur on the flank,” Jack said.
I stared out the window, after a moment of looking, I saw it. I told Jack so. I saw it again another ten minutes later. What the hell was going on?
“Think it’s a skinwalker?” Richie asked, taking Jack seriously.
“Those things don’t exist,” Amy laughed again, but this time nervously. Even if she believed what she said, she still had to admit the deer was acting weird. She squeezed my hand back.
“Did you bring your gun?” Richie asked Jack.
“Yup, I put it in the glove box, do you think we’ll need it?” Jack replied.
“Doubt it, but better safe than sorry,” Richie said.
“Guys, it’s just a deer,” Amy nervously interjected.
Richie leaned in, a smile spread across his face. Through the fog, the first buildings came into view. Finally, we were in Silvervein. The entire town was blanketed in fog. I half expected no one to be here, but I could see people walking down the sidewalk and going along with their business. We found a place to park and stepped out. It was cold enough that we needed to wear sweatshirts, which sucked because I was wearing short shorts.
We started walking around, people were staring at us weirdly. I was used to that, but I guess the others weren’t. They were getting more and more unnerved. We found a small bar and went inside.
“Welcome to mini-Japan,” I announced to Amy.
Amy went up to the bartender and ordered a round of beers in Japanese, even being careful to say yon instead of shi (for those who don’t know, both words mean four, but shi also means death). She got the standard “Nihongo josu” response, a common and slightly condescending phrase from Japanese people talking to foreigners. I sipped my beer, looking at the people staring at us. People weren’t like this when I was here last. Sure, they weren’t friendly to me, but they weren’t this openly hostile.
I asked the bartender in Japanese “what’s going on? I used to live here as a kid and people didn’t act this suspicious.”
“The animals have been acting weird,” the bartender informed us, speaking in English for the benefit of Jack and Richie, who looked visibly confused.
“We noticed that on our way in, any idea of what’s going on?” I questioned.
“I’m not sure, I think it’s just that there’s something in the air. There’s been some fires up in Canada, so that might be messing with them. The elders think there’s something supernatural going on,” the bartender explained.
We later checked into our hotel. I was unpacking my stuff when I pulled out my Baro action figure. It was missing its head. I cursed, these things were expensive when my friends had got it for me and even more so by now. I looked through my stuff for the head but I couldn’t find it. I looked at the toy, I blinked, something seemed off. I examined the neck. It was cut. This was intentional. The sudden realization made me drop it. I told the others what had happened.
“I thought you locked the van when we were in the bar, Richie!” Jack snapped.
“The back door lock is busted,” Richie explained. Jack cursed, grabbed the keys and ran downstairs to check if anything else had been messed with. Richie looked at Baro and asked, “why would anyone just steal the head of your guy?”
“I have no idea…” I sighed heavily. After losing Baro as a kid, losing him again like this was disheartening. I ran a thumb over the neck. I could feel Amy’s gentle hand rubbing my back, trying to comfort me. Jack returned. He handed me the head, his hand had a small gash.
“A damned crow had it,” Jack explained, “it was sitting on the van, holding the head in its mouth. It pecked me when I took the head away. I tied the back doors shut with a bit of rope from the inside so no one else should be getting in.”
“I’m surprised you were able to catch it,” I remarked as Richie grabbed the first aid kit from his bag.
“It just sat there as I reached for it,” Jack said, “didn’t move even after I took the head.”
“Okay, THAT is weird,” Richie remarked as he started treating the cut.
“Anything else taken?” Amy asked. Jack shook his head. He lifted his shirt. A snub nosed revolver was tucked into his waistband.
“I didn’t notice anything stolen from my stuff,” Richie informed us, “Amy, did anything get taken from you?” Amy shook her head. This was beyond weird. Why would someone break into the van for no other reason than to decapitate my toy?
“I think we should leave,” Amy mumbled softly.
That shocked me. I glanced at her. This whole trip was her idea, but I could understand why she would want to leave.
“It’s a bit late to do that,” Richie said, “let’s leave in the morning, who knows, maybe the fog will lift by then.”
Everyone agreed. Instead of going back out into the fog, we ate some of our packed travel food for dinner. It was getting dark. As we ate and drank, I noticed something on the window sill. I turned and saw a crow. It must have been the one that bit Jack. It pecked against the window, getting the attention of the others. Jack jumped up and went over, smacking the window.
“Get out of here!” Jack snapped at the bird. It didn’t move. It just stared at him. Jack smacked the window again, still getting no reaction from the bird.
“Ignore it,” Amy groaned, offering Jack a pack of peanut butter crackers. He took it and sat down on the bed. The four of us would be sharing the room, we had been doing that over the course of the trip. We were silent, the weirdness of the situation was getting to us.
Later, after we went to bed, the boys managed to get to sleep in their bed. Amy and I were in our bed, still awake. We were holding onto each other, both for warmth, and for companionship. I buried my face into her orange hair. Even with everything going on, I couldn’t help but notice how nice she smelled. She looked back at me with a little smile, she turned so we were facing each other. She ran the back of her hand along my cheek. I kissed her knuckles, my heart skipping a beat. I think I knew then how I felt about her. I could feel Amy shifting closer. Her hand moved to the back of my head. I could feel her pulling me in. I knew what was coming. My heart was racing. I wanted this. I leaned in, about to kiss her.
There was a loud thump. The noise woke the boys up. Jack grabbed the revolver quickly. There were more thumps, accompanied by little scratching noises. Amy and I held each other scared. Richie himself reached for Jack. The noises were getting closer. Whatever it was, it was in the hall, and it was big. I put a hand over my mouth, I was hyperventilating. Jack moved Richie over to Amy and I’s bed and put himself between us and the door. It had to be some kind of animal. Given the size, I could guess it was a black bear, but how the hell did it get in here?
The noises stopped at our door. Amy clutched my hand tightly, we all held our breath. Each second felt like an hour. It was so quiet. Suddenly, we could hear heavy breathing. Richie let out a soft squeak. The animal outside made a grunt. I recognized the noises it was making. It was a bear. Fuck! The door shuddered as the thing was pressing against it. There was no way the door was going to hold under the bear’s weight.
Jack held the gun up, hand shaking. He was breathing heavily, but he was doing a breathing exercise to calm down. The door was bending a little, threatening to either shatter or bust the hinges. Jack pulled back the hammer on the revolver, his hand becoming more steady.
“HEY! GET OUT OF HERE! GET!” we could hear an older man outside shout. Someone was out there trying to scare off the bear. Sure, to someone unfamiliar with the wild, this seems dumb. However, there is a phrase: if it’s black; fight back, if it’s brown; lie down, if it’s white; say good night. Scaring a black bear off wasn’t impossible.
However, like the bartender said, the animals had been acting weird. There was a loud roar. A swift shifting could be heard and then we could hear liquid hitting the floor. The man whimpered. A man was being killed just outside our room. His death cries could be heard through the thin hotel walls. We could be next.
Jack moved to the window quickly and opened it. “Move, move” he whispered, keeping the gun trained on the door. He moved his finger onto the trigger, ready to fire if anything burst through. Amy got up first, pulling my hand. We slipped out the window, my bare feet sending a shock up my body as they touched the cold sidewalk. Richie slipped through next, followed by Jack.
Richie had his phone in his hand, having remembered to grab it before leaving. Richie pulled up the calling app, about to call the emergency services. There was a loud crash as the door hit the floor. The call could wait. Jack fired at the bear and the four of us started running. It was dark enough that we couldn't tell if the bullet hit. Black bears were small, but not small enough to sleep through the window like we did. We were parked nearby, so we started running towards the van. I looked behind us. I had expected to see the bear’s face as it tried to push through.
Instead, I saw darkness still. The noises had ceased. Did Jack’s blind shot strike true? Was it dead? No, that wasn’t right. There was no way Jack did anything other than piss it off. Out from the darkness something flew out, rushing right towards us. It was small and fast. It came from our room where the bear had been. It was a crow, perhaps the same one we had been seeing.
It flew right for Jack.
Jack screamed as the beak sank into his eye, blood streamed down his cheek. He grabbed the bird and struck it with the handle of the gun. Birds aren’t strong creatures, the strike should have killed the crow. The creature continued to dig into Jack’s skull. Richie ran over and grabbed the crow, trying to pull it off. The strength of two people couldn’t get the beast off my friend. Blood was gushing more and more. Jack’s mangled eye fell to the ground. People were coming out of their homes, seeing what was going on.
“HELP!!! DEAR GOD SOMEONE HELP!!!” Amy screamed. She ran over to help Richie.
“GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF OF ME!!!” Jack was crying and begging, he was scared. I ran over and pulled on Jack, trying to save him. The crow was digging its claws into my poor friend’s face, causing yet more blood to spill. Jack’s face would give way before this creature’s grip.
Amy picked up the gun quickly, she put it against the bird and fired. The beast was blasted back, feathers and viscera flying everywhere. Jack was yelling in agony, clutching at his face. Richie opened the side door of the van while Amy and I dragged Jack over to it. I heard someone yell that they called emergency services.
I looked back at the bird. I could see it twitching. It was moving far more than it should be. There’s no way this thing was still alive. There was just no way. The bird shifted more and more, its form growing larger. No, no there was no way. It was changing. The deer, the bear, the crow, they were all the same creature. They were all this creature. The figure stood up, growing to the size of a human. No, not just any figure. I looked on in horror as the creature took the form of Baro. The man stood there in his green leather gear and his animal furs, his white bear mask faced us with dangerous intent. He clutched his ax, ready to bury it in our skulls. However, something looked weird about him. His joints, something was off about his joints.
Amy slammed the door shut as Richie started driving off. Baro turned into the deer form and galloped, slamming its antlers into the side of the van. The antlers actually pierced the van door, stabbing Amy in the thigh and shoulder. She screamed in pain as I pulled her back. Richie put his foot on the gas, trying to escape Baro. I grabbed the gun. The antler piercing the door transformed into a snake and slithered into the van.
I fired at the snake, hitting it straight on. Baro slammed into the door, momentarily stunned. Amy pulled the door open and I kicked it out. Amy and I shut the door again before Baro could shapeshift again. Richie drove off fast. I looked out the back window as Baro turned into the deer again and began chasing us.
“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING!?!?” Richie called out as he drove fast like a maniac. We could hear sirens in the distance.
“It’s fucking Baro!” I gasped, still in absolute shock.
“It’s not a fucking anime character!” Amy snapped. I grabbed the first aid kit from the glove box. There wasn’t much I could do about Amy or Jack, especially not Jack. He was hyperventilating. Amy was trying to keep him calm and conscious.
“Richie, which pocket is your phone in!?” I cried.
“Front right!” Richie said. I reached in and grabbed the phone.
“HA! Gay!” Jack laughed maniacally, trying to focus on a joke rather than the pain.
I called 911 quickly. As soon as I heard someone pick up, I started talking: “POLICE! We have a monster chasing us! I know that sounds crazy but we have a fuck ton of witnesses, it’s a damned monster! It killed someone at the hotel we were at, took my friend’s eye out, stabbed my other friend and is now chasing us! We’re driving down Boar Street! Hurry!”
The van jolted as the deer slammed into it again, shattering the window. We all screamed. There was a loud bang as a bystander with a shotgun fired at the deer. The deer staggered, falling back but continued to chase.
“What the fuck did we do?!” Jack asked no one in particular.
The sirens were getting closer. Help was on the way, but I didn’t know how much help they would be. I noticed Baro ignored the man who had shot him. It wasn’t us specifically. It was getting closer.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT!?” I snapped out the window.
Time seemed to slow as the creature’s mouth opened. It spoke in a raspy and dark voice: “Gabe. Friend.” It knew my name. I stared into Baro’s eyes. They weren’t normal deer eyes, they were human eyes. It knew me. A flash of blue and red appeared as a cop car crashed into the deer, pinning it against a brick wall. We soon lost them in the fog. All we could see was the flashing of lights. We could hear roaring, gunshots, and screams as we drove away.
I looked towards my friends. Richie was busy driving, but Jack and Amy were staring horrified at me. It was clear they were trying to find words. Amy was trembling like a leaf. They were scared for me. They were the ones injured, and they were scared for me. That beast wanted me. I don’t know why it did, but it did.
An ambulance caught up to us, we stopped long enough to get Amy and Jack into it. They drove towards the hospital after alerting us that a police car would be racing to catch up with us and escort us to safety. Richie and I drove off towards the edge of town. After a while of painful silence, I remarked “your uncle’s gonna kill you for wrecking his van.” A slight smirk spread across my lips.
Richie blinked a little and shook his head, “man, fuck that.” Another moment of awkward silence before Richie asked “Gabe, are you okay?”
“I have a shapeshifting anime character chasing me, willing to murder my friends to get to me, what do you think?” I replied sarcastically.
“I think you have a doll chasing you,” Richie said. That comment made me pause. I looked at Richie, shocked. A doll was chasing us? The look on my face must have been incredulous because he added, “the joints are segmented.” I blinked when he said that. I had noticed the joints were weird, but due to the fog, I hadn’t seen what was going on with them.
“A shapeshifting creature is chasing us and you’re looking at its elbows?” I asked, a hollow laugh escaping my throat. I thought back. A Baro doll was trying to get to me. My Baro doll, the one that Tamaki threw into the woods. No, this wasn’t possible. It would explain why it decapitated my other doll; it was jealous. Gabe, friend. The creature wanted its friend back. How did it become like this?
“Richie, drop me off,” I ordered.
“Excuse me, mother fucker? Hell no I’m not gonna drop you off,” Richie said.
“It wants me, not you, if you’re trying to help me escape, it’ll kill you,” I explained, reaching into the back of the van for something I dropped.
“Mate, I’m not…” Richie began as I pressed the gun against his leg.
“You can still drive with one leg, pull over and drop me off before I pull the trigger,” I warned him, my heart racing in my throat.
Richie looked like he was mulling over his options. He knew I wasn’t bluffing, the last thing I wanted was for someone to die for me. I already had a friend lose his eye for me. Richie relented and started to slow down. He pulled over, and came to a stop. I opened the door.
“Gabe, don’t die on me,” Richie said, softly. I nodded and stepped outside. “Also” Richie added, “I could definitely see your dick through that bikini.”
I smirked and replied “get moving before I shove it down your throat, Richard,” before slamming the door shut. Richie drove off. I sighed and leaned against a nearby tree. Baro would be coming soon, so would the police. I thought back to the cops who ran over Baro earlier. I remember the screaming, they were probably dead. My stomach knotted up when I thought of this. I tried to think about how all this was possible.
This was clearly magic so anything could be the answer. Maybe a fairy god mother gave this fucked up doll life, maybe the magic of the forest manifested my loneliness from my early childhood into Baro. Maybe it WAS a skinwalker after all. I thought about it some more. Maybe it was tied to me. He was my toy afterall. Maybe it could only die if… I could hear the sound of hooves on the road getting closer. Baro was here.
I stepped forward, heart racing. I knew it wanted me, I didn’t know what for. Whatever it wanted, I was resigned to my fate. I saw the shape moving closer from the fog. It changed into the humanoid form. It stepped closer. It reached out to me. I moved closer, feeling its fingers touch my cheek. Looking closer, its joints were indeed segmented. The hand even felt a bit like plastic. It was my old toy from my childhood. A tear ran down my face. Richie was fucking right, how the hell did he see this better than I did? It didn’t matter now.
My old friend, my childhood companion, was standing before me. It had been waiting for me to return for all these years. It killed to be with me again. My lip trembled as I looked into the old friend’s eyes. His hand on my cheek wiped the tear away. I could see lights shining behind him. I pulled him into an embrace as the lights got brighter and brighter. The sound of rubber on asphalt grew louder.
“Gabe. Friend.” I said softly, tightening my grip, ready for impact.
Amy, Jack, Richie, move on, and be happy. Don’t make me haunt your dumbasses. Richie, sorry for threatening to shoot you. Jack, your eyepatch looks cool. Amy, follow your dream. I love you all, take care.

I was just thinking about this story, and it kind of hit me that I think i REALLY misinterpreted what happened.
I used to have this teacher, who really creeped me out at first. Eventually he seemed to act normal, but how he was when we first met still makes me uncomfortable. This isn't as exciting as other stories, but still a weird one.
I'm a transguy, but at the time i was 12 and still looked very feminine. I looked way too mature for a 12 year old, with a curvy body and a bigger chest than kids my age. I also definitely dressed in a way that accentuated that.
He was a science teacher, who we can call Mr. L. At first, it started out by him just calling me and other more mature looking girls pet names like sweetheart, hon, etc. Me and my friend both noticed he favored us, and called us a lot of names. We had similar bodies, yet she was thinner. We didn't too much into it, but it did make us uncomfortable.
The next event, was small, but stands out a lot to me. One day my bra strap was showing, and he just grabbed it and tucked it under my shirt. I understand if my strap showing was a dress code violation, but that is NOT how an adult man should be handling that. I don't even remember if he said anything when he did it.
At the end of the semester, at parent teacher conferences, me and my mom were talking to him. It was supposed to be about my grades and preformance(just normal end of semester talk, i was a good student with good grades). He kept bringing up how perfect of a match i was for his son. I dont remember his sons exact age, but he was an adult, somewhere between 18-22 i believe. This guy would not shut up about how perfect i was for his son. Somehow my mom didnt think that was weird at all? I dont even know.
Now to the last event. I had a boyfriend(now ex) who i would stay after school to hang out with. When i say hang out, i mean we would find a random hidden spot and just make out. This specific day, we chose a spot by the back parking lot, behind a small tree. We noticed the Mr. L sitting in his car, watching us. This went on for around 20 minutes, and my then boyfriend got pissed off and walked off the school property in the direction of Mr. Ls car. After he walked away, the teacher left.
I always assumed Mr. L was keeping an eye on me to make sure i was okay. But thinking about it now, its VERY creepy to sit in your car and watch your student make out with their partner.
I don't believe i was in any danger, as after this event he never did anything creepy again. I felt normal around him and eventually he became one of my favorite teachers. (I no longer feel this way, as these events are more alarming as an adult then they were then)
What are your guys thoughts on this? Do you think he was keeping an eye on me, or watching me for more sinister reasons?

Sorry for the long story…
O wise Redditors am I being too sensitive or are my issues real concerns?
love my wife, she can be drop dead gorgeous with such little effort. She is 50 and is getting better with age. She found out she has celaic disease and had to stop eating gluten. That really slimed her down. I don’t care, I love my wife 175lbs or 125bs. Just more to love. I have a kink for lingerie and she is very demure.
When we first got married, I would buy her a sexy outfit for valentines days, and she would hide behind the bathroom door before she would come out. Her attitude was don’t you love me the way I am and I would say of course I do, but every once in a while it’s fun to see you dressed up so sexy out of your comfort zone.
I built up her ego over the years but it was not until she slimmed down after Celiac did she embrace lingerie as empowering her beauty and something special between us.
My wife has never been a “horny” person, she liked sex and I gave her, her first orgasam, she does enjoy them and can be mult-orgasmic. When she hits mesopause they put her on steroids, and now she knows what it feels like to be actually”horny”. So our sex lives reach a new level which is great. She would enjoy putting on an outfit from time to time but it was still a struggle. I would say babe, it’s just you and me, you are as gourgous as a supermodel and look amazing in heels and all the rest. I felt like maybe she finally got it, it’s about making things special for US. It’s not like I was buying crotchless panties, Nothing crazy but just high quality and class lingerie.
I guess I did not realize how often, over the years, I would buy her something and she never opened them up, would just put it away still in the packaging. I opened one of her drawers and found like 30 outfits still in packaging and wrapping and I was really hurt.
Here I had been buying her all these gifts of affection and she is just putting them in the garbage basket. I took her by the hand, very nicely, and said look here, I am heartbroken. It takes 3 mins to put one of these on and you don’t care enough to do it.
That’s how I felt and I let her know it. Now she is going over board to wear it and I am insulted, I am like look in the mirror, see how amazing you are. Now why did it take so much to see it, now it just feels like you are doing it out of guilt.
To make matters much worse, for my 50 birthday, she has a whole photoshoot done, she even hired a make up artist. She put more effort in that, then she ever put into getting ready for us, in 20 years. The pictures were amazing. She admittedly looked amazing. Could be a model.
At first I was beyond overwhelmed with joy that she did this for me, but then I said to my self, she has never put more than 2 minutes into getting ready for bed. She wears baggy sweatshirts and baggy flannel pants 70% of the time. The rest is dressing like a school teacher, which she is. But there can be 1% sexy if she wants too, but it’s not worth the effort is the way she will make me feel. Take her out for a date and jeans and a top, nothing special about.
I just can’t understand my wife, she has such a great heart and I have told her at length how being sexy and having lust in our relationship is important. She agrees and the will still not make the effort.
Back to the pictures, the photographer thought she also looked so amazing that she asked my wife if she could post a few of the photos on instagram and I can’t believe my wife, without asking me, says yes, and she posts 3 photos, one where my wife is siting on a bed, holding a sign wishing me happy 50th covering her crotch and she’s wearing a see though bra and nothing else, then a photo of her sitting turned with her back to the camera in a bra panties, again you can see her face. Then the third you can’t see her face but it’s by far one of the sexiest photos with her on her back, with a big arch, wearing a corset and thigh highs and panties. She’s so hot. I could melt.
So in passing that morning she tells me about the photos being posted and I am trying to be supportive I say, that’s because you look amazing. But did not take the time to ask me first. I don’t have social media accounts, so I create one, I want to see how easy it is to find these pics, and well it was way too easy. There is my wife basically naked on the internet. From demure to make me famous. It hits me hard.
I then also realize that Google trolls instagram and soon those pics will be all over and she will be beyond embarrassed if a student saw them. She would die. I call her right away and say babe I was trying to be supportive, but I don’t think you realize how far these pictures can get. She has a mental breakdown and calls the photographer to take them down. She agrees. But now I am left, with a very broken ego and I have too many questions my wife can’t answer. Like, you don’t love putting on linerire for Me, but for the entire internet it’s ok? You put all this time and effort into looking amazing, which you never do for me, and I should not take anything from that.
Finding the huge pile of unopened stuff and then this made me really feel rejected, and not just now but for a very long time….20years. My heart just wants to forgive her and move on but my brain keeps, saying why does she not have time and effort for you? And why is she looking for 3rd party validation by posting the pics, she would be mortified if people she, knew saw the photos….its a very upside down moment in our relationship and in her mind. No rush to see her in lingerie anytime soon, but at the same time I drool at the thought of seeing her all dressed up in her high heels. I am lost in love…..heartbroken, by the love of my lìfe.
Causing me amazing stress, especially because I don’t know how you put this genie back in the bottle. Who did she take the pics for, Herself or Me? So many thoughts. Would love to hear others feedback and advice please? Now I don’t even want the book they made for me of Pics. I don’t need my face rubbed in that, in so many ways. I am losing my attraction for her, we are pulling away from each other, have not had sex in weeks, I lay in bed scratching her back and next thing she is snoring, and anything she does do feels like she is doing it out of guilt….. is my marriage ruined?

Hey guys! So, a few days back, I mentioned my dad finding my bra. I probably named that post something equally cryptic, I think it was "biting the bullet". Well, yesterday morning he finally confronted me about it on the drive to school. I'm going to give my best attempt at a brief summary (though I tend to ramble), and then pose a question.
So, the summary: Good news is, for the first time in three days, he said he loves me. Bad news is, in the same sentence he said he absolutely will not support me. His first sentence was "You do know you have a c*ck, don't you?" He says he finds the idea of me being trans "morally abhorrent", and then in the same breath asked why I kept keeping secrets from him. I decided to bite my tongue. He went on to ask if i saw him as "some kind of Hitler", to which i also didnt speak. In fact, I spent much of that 15 minute drive not speaking. At this point, I was already in a bad mood, hadnt slept in a few days, and hadnt eaten in longer than is medically advisable, so I wasn't very talkative. He spent most of his time complaining about me keeping secrets, occassionally broken by saying things that unintentionally justified my secrecy.
Ok... All in all, went way better than I expected! So, is there any way to proceed safely? I'm confident that I'm in no physical danger, and I've developed reasonably thick skin (metaphorically), so I can deal with mockery just fine. Specifically, I really wanted to go to prom in a dress, and now need both fashion advice and safety advice. I'm aware this question is unclear, that's because it's existence is solely to justify publishing the rest of the post.
Have a lovely evening, thank you!
Edit: I remembered how to justify the title! As I imagine is true of many of us, covering up this one secret involved a little bit of lying, which very quickly snowballed. There were a few people involved in keeping that secret, and a very well organised but very fragile web of lies. A house of cards, if you will. Dads been quite since our conversation, Presumably processing what I told him and also untangling the web of lies involving me, his girlfriend, his ex wife, his other ex wife, and a few of my teachers he knows reasonably well. The house of cards has tumbled, I'm yet to see the final damages.

To start the story, I am 19F, and my fiancé is 23M. I am in my third trimester of pregnancy and my parents/grandparents will not leave me alone unless i "go back home" with my 7 siblings.
My story starts on thanksgiving 2022, at 1:36am. I will admit I was using my dads old phone to message online friends I had at the time, one which was an Ex from 2018, another who I held dear because of how kind they were and how close in age they were to me at the time (17/18), and a Long Distance relationship partner. Every night I would use said phone to message said people on Discord or Messenger, because I liked having friends who I knew could not physically harm me.
My friends were kind, and always heard me out when I needed to vent about my parents or siblings. I have two sisters, and five brothers.
One sister in particular, lets call her Terry, would sucker me out of a lot of things. For example, we lived on a ranch, and when I would get paid in cash for cleaning hen/egg boxes for neighbors, she would threaten to tell my parents that I used my dads old phone to message people at night when everyone slept if I didnt give her some money for snacks a teacher sold. Terry would often sucker me out of a lot. I had a friend who worked at Stripes in HS, (Both me and Terry new said friend and had the same lunch) and he would bring me energy drinks along with hot chips. Terry would threaten to tell my parents, again, if i didnt share.
This went on for a while. Since HS started if I recall. Terry is 3 years younger than I am for context. She was one of the siblings i did not raise. Terry and I had a decent relationship until she got a phone for a birthday present, and I had been waiting on one for years. She had the newest Iphone, with no restrictions. Since then whenever my parents and I would argue, I would often bring up how Terry was the favorite but they always denyed. This was proved to me through multiple actions and more.
When Terry got caught looking at some pretty bad things on her phone, she lost privilages for about 3 months. And by pretty bad, i mean pretty bad. As in underage anime corn involving R wording and more. That is one example. Another is when she would be caught by me doing something she wasnt supposed to, I would tell my parents and they would call her in to ask if she did. She always said she did nothing of the sort, and my parents would berate me because I "just wanted her to get in trouble".
Fast forward to 2022, thanksgiving. I was using my dads phone to message my LDR partner, and my two friends. My sister and I shared a room, so she got up to use the restroom and passed by my bed where she saw me using the phone. I thought nothing of it because I wasnt in debt for using it.. Boy was I wrong. She came back into the room and started tossing my things off my bed to look for the phone when it was in my bra. She groped my chest and stared me down when she felt it, then said "Give it. Now." I froze and wondered WHY she wouldve wanted it, but gave in and gave it to her. She then left the room.
I felt like I couldnt breathe. Adrenaline was boiling in my body and soon enough I heard my mom walking to our room. She asked why I had this. Why it was hidden. What was I doing. Why did I do this, yada yada. Sidenote: My mom has always been supportive when my dad became abusive toward me when I was in trouble, but that support slowly died as I grew. My mom stayed quiet after I said I had the phone to talk to my friends, which she knew all of, because she let me use her phone for Facebook(where i talked to said friends during the day). She left our room and I heard my dad coming.
This is where everything fell apart. My dad brought in a large foam roller, the kind you use when your back hurts or something. This foam roller was ANYTHING but soft. He started hitting me with the roller, and told my mom to grab my arms because I was blocking all of this. She did. Which made me realize I had either F'ed up, or she was just that angry. She grabbed my arms and tried to yank me out of my bed so my dad could get my face. I hadnt realized my sister left the room, but i did when she came back with a pallete board my dad carved into a paddle.
Now, i wont get to into what happened in that room. But I will say it broke my ankle, and bruised my femur. My dad dragged me out of my room by my hair and tossed me in front of the front door. He woke up my siblings, and told them to come say goodbye to me. Not to mention he told my mom to record this entire ordeal. My siblings, half awake, dont know what is going on. But, my dad tells me to get what I BOUGHT, with MY money, and "get the F out of his house". So I try to go back to my room, my shirt torn from my mother manhandling me before, and she blocks me. She asks "What do you think your doing?" I tell her "Getting my stuff." She snaps at me and says I bought nothing in my room other than my art supplies. So I tell her im going to get my guitar. My dad yells at me and says "No. Thats staying here so when you die, your siblings will have something to remember you by".
So my mom gave me a hoodie I bought, tossed my shoes at me, and SHOVED me out the door. This door was maybe 3 feet up, with wood stairs so it was accessible. I did catch myself as I went down the stairs.
I walked along the dirt road for 3 miles before realizing my cat(who was an outside cat), had followed me all the way down to a main road. I picked her up and kept walking in pouring rain.
Fast foward to new years of 2022, i was living with a roomate. Lets call them Ajay. Ajay and I met in a behavioural hospital and became friends. They were in the middle of transitioning MTF, and I used He/They pronouns. We got along great. I lived in their apartment for maybe 2 months before they said that having a roomate was too exhausting. I didnt do anything wrong as I cleaned their cats' litterboxes, fed them, did my dishes, and my laundry, and stayed in my room as to make sure I didnt bother them. Ajay did give me 500$ to afford some food and clothing while I lived with my grandparents who werent to far.
I lived with my grandparents for 3 months before I got a job, and got paid 7.17 an hour. It was rough. I had to pay 150 each payday for "rent" at my grandparents, plus hygine products like tampons and soap and razors which was maybe minus 30. And then microwave food or instant noodles to last me two weeks until next payday. I was left with maybe 30/20 bucks for things I would possibly want to get in stores or ordered.
Fast forward again to when i met my boyfriend, now fiancé.
We met over a VR game, and talked all the time when I didnt work. My grandparents planned an easter party, inviting my parents and siblings. Somehow, they caught wind that I was leaving Texas and going three states away. They nagged and nagged and asked "Why?" Or "Where exactly?" Just trying to get as much out of me as they could when I clearly did not want them to know a damn thing.
My fiancé was on the phone with me at the time, muted so he could listen in because I wanted him to see how bad my parents were. They berated me for wanting to "leave my family behind", and going to live somewhere else. After a few hours, it was nightfall and my uncle was the last to leave.. But he did give me something to "take the edge off" if you know what i mean. He told me to smoke of the porch so I WOULDNT get in trouble.
I did exactly that, and my cousin who lived with my grandparents and I at the time, had somehow convinced my grandparents that I smoked inside on the couch, where i slept. So I passed out because I really needed the sleep. I woke to my grandpa telling me he wanted to talk.
He wanted me out in 24 hours. Either to my parents house, or with my boyfriend.
So I called my boyfriend. And he said he'd come get me. And he did. My parents and siblings had all that time to come in person and say goodbye but insisted on a phone call. So that was that.
The trip was 2 and a half days, but I got to my new home safe. I only ever messaged my parents for emergencies. Come to find out that 3 months of staying with my boyfriend, I was pregnant. I didnt tell my parents until the start of my third trimester. Thats when they started sending letters written by my siblings telling me to "come home". Im still with my fiancé, in his home, and living wonderfully. But my parents say that they WILL see their grandson, and they WILL make a trip to where I am now if I dont "come home". They have been wanting to reconnect, and "make amends", but they still deny they did anything wrong. They have yet to say sorry or recall anything from that night.
So, AITAH for not wanting my parents in my life?

There is this assistant principal in my grade, and no one likes her. But the thing is recently, she has been telling female and only female students to lift up their shirt to check for a phone. We have a very strict no phone policy in our school so she does this, but no other teacher and assistant principal does this. She goes up to a female student and say that she has a "suspicion" that we have a phone on us. She tells us to lift up our shirts so we can see our waistband and our bra to make sure we aren't hiding it there. Then, she searches through our bags. By the way, she does these searches in front of everyone in a big hallway. Then, she pats us down like we're getting arrested. Now I don't know if she can do this because I'm pretty sure it involves with my 4th amendment.

Yep. I’m Old. Probably older than you, anyway. Statistically, if you’re in the USA in April of 2024. It’s likely. I’ve been around a couple years. Six & a half decades, more or less. All that time, & I’m Still “not a fan of epithets.” Or slurs. I don’t like pre-judging people. Of ANY age, color, size, shape, orientation, description, whatever. Ever. Thing is, I never have been! Ever. I was one of those kids instilled with a “hyperactive & sensitive sense of justice.” Gosh, almost right out of the GATE. A LOT of us who grew up in the 60’s, 70’s, & later are / were. Yep! That’s why the Viet Nam War eventually got stopped. Hell, I remember getting into it with my authoritarian 3rd grade teacher fer chrissake. “Myrtle the turtle with the playtex girdle.” She was a bitch. I’ve been a “Hippie liberal peace freak” probably longer than you’ve been alive. So, if I was Fighting against all that shit they were trying to dump on us, while it was going on, does that “cut me any slack” in your esteemed eyes, internet stranger? Does “Boomer” fit us, too? Cuz I don’t have long hair any more (well, I DO right now actually, but I’m gonna get it cut). So you can’t tell just by looking at me. You must actually engage & Talk. To. Me. I know, I know, it’s a lot. That’s life! I’m an Old Hippie. There aren’t a lot of us left. I’m rapidly approaching the point where I have more long-term friends who’re Dead than alive. Once we’re gone, then who tells “our side of the story?” Certainly not anyone who wasn’t there! WTF do They know about it? Nothing. & “That’s the point” about prejudice. You don’t know crap about someone until you talk to them. At a minimum. Even then…… “What you heard was not what I said.” Sound familiar? I digress. See some of the reason that You (whoever you may be) may hold some of the liberal, open minded, egalitarian, activist principles you do now could be because we started those movements. & still fight them. Boomers might know a thing or two about doing that effectively, too. Ya think?
Along with social / racial / prejudicial epithets, & slurs, I’m not very fond of “isms”, either. Not any fonder of Ageism than I am of racism, conservatism, puritanism, or any of the other ugly “isms”. I’ve lived with them all my life & fought them all my life. That was ”kinda the point”! “Fight the Good Fight, so there’s a better world for our Kids & their kids!” That’s why I have been doing it all my life. I can’t speak for anyone else. THAT is “kinda the point,” too. “I can’t speak for anyone else.” When you call someone an epithet, or slur, or try to categorize them, put them in a “Slot” or add them into a set or group, you are effectively trying to take away their agency & voice & speak FOR them. “Oh, don’t listen to them, they’re just a _______- (Fill in the blank).”
Betcha thought I was going to say “Boomer,” didn’t ya? Nope. How about “Hippie”, or Freak?” Long Hair. Commie, Pinko, Fag, Junkie, N-Lover, Activist, Tree Hugger, etc., etc., etc. How about “Them damned smelly long haired hippie peace freak pot smoking, music playin’, flag burning, abortion giving, commie pinko fag junkies?” “Damned Bra burning, Black Panther supportin’, N-word lovin’ Women’s Libbers!” “They just wanna come in here & take over so they can get their hands on our WOMEN!!” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard ALL that shit. 50 frickin’ years ago. Sounds just as ignorant, biased, & “ist” now as it did then. Just because it’s a different set of epithets, that Y’all have these days doesn’t make it any more novel, intelligent, or correct. FYI: I dislike “Ists” as much as “Isms.” No one likes to be called names. Racists, Chauvinists, Fascists, Capitalists, none of them like to be called names. They didn’t like it & DON’T like it when we call them that. Neither do us humanists, theorists, nihilists, hedonists, pacifists, or equalists. (Is that a Word? Did I just make up a word? I hate muddle headed old farts who don’t have a vocabulary that just make up words in the middle of their rants!!) He he he. 😉 I’m pretty sure ( ok, positive) that’s NOT a word, but I’ll leave it. Just for giggles. Ha ha ha…… “Nuculear”! (God, G.W Bush! Man, I hated that guy! Him & Cheney & Rumsfeld LIED us into a WAR. Different Rant.) Calling someone a “Boomer”, just as much as calling anyone anything else is bound to kinda “piss them off & be counterproductive”, in my experience. Just about always, as far as I’ve seen. When you prejudge someone & call them an epithet that tries to categorize them by any metric other than their own merits that’s what you’re doing. You’re trying to put words in their mouth! Take away their voice, agency, value, & ability to be judged by their own actions, words, & merits. “No, they’re only going to fit into Your Slot!” They’re going to only be “Your vision / perception of who they are,” right? … Yeah, not gonna work. Dontcha understand? People have been trying to do that to me All. My. Life! Hasn’t worked yet. It just makes you sound like an ignorant (& likely arrogant) asshole to me. Welcome to the club. They’ve been yelling shit at me all my life. Haven’t listened to their asses unless they have something intelligent to say, so far. Watcha Got? Tell me something I haven’t heard. Don’t call me a Boomer. No matter when I was born. & I won’t call you a __________ (Fill in the blank) either. Ok? You don’t know who I am until you talk to me, no matter what I look or sound like to you. You don’t know crap about me or my life unless you take the time to find out. Anything else, calling people names, it not only sounds ignorant & biased, it’s lazy. If you’re going to try to form an opinion on someone, get some data first, if you’re smart. Just a thought. There’s an “Old Quote” (Yeah, us old people know those) “Old age & treachery will always beat youth and exuberance.” (David Mamet) I’m not trying to be treacherous right now. I can tell you this though. Those of us who’re left who’ve kept fighting the fight for light while our kids were growing up, our grand kids were being born, & the world kept going to hell no matter what we did, will be very sad you didn’t turn OUT any better after all our struggles to make a better world. A more empathic, humane & loving bunch of people to live on it. Who’d not throw our beautiful world & populations of humanity down the shitter, just to climb up a pile of greed as the world dies. So, now you know, I’m saying: “What’re ya calling me THAT for? I’ve always been one of the Good Guys!” “What are you pissed off cuz you think we’ve LOST?” Or what? Not. My. Fault. I. Tried…… Still Am! I’ve got two things to say to people who want to dump responsibility for how the world is now on “Us Boomers”….. especially us “Boomers” who’ve been FIGHTING this shit the whole time!! 1) “Yeah? OK. Your Turn! You do it! You fight the greedy bastards in an End Stage Capitalist / Globalist / billionaire’s bought off system for 40-50 years. Let’s see how YOU Do”!! I won’t be around to see it, but you can talk to my kids & grandkids about it. If there’s still a world? Then tell me how easy it was, how you “Changed the World” & “Now the worlds problems are all solved & we live in perfect peace & harmony with nature.” I’ll wait. As long as I can. 2) Does anyone get any credit for trying? Aren’t y’all the generations that got participation trophies? I’m pretty sure I remember ponying up for a participation trophy for a T-ball Team he never caught a ball in, but never mind!! He he he 😉
Peace & Love. 14healthydreams4all