Adderall voucher |

So I have been off Vyvanse for about a year because I was laid off from my job. I finally got another job and got insurance again. I had no idea Vyvanse had came out with a generic but to my surprise my insurance makes me pay for the medicine mostly in full and then reimburse me 80% after I file a claim. I use to pay $40 or $50 a month but yesterday the pharmacy told me it would be 525.00 or 177.00 for the generic. Is the generic even worth it? Does anybody know if Vyvanse offers any kind of patient assistance program or some kind of RX card or voucher that makes it affordable? I’m so bummed. I did so well on 40mg of Vyvanse in the morning and then a small dose (12.5mg) of adderall around 2pm. I could concentrate my entire work day and still be able to come home and get done what I needed to. It also helped with my binge eating.

Hi there, as the title says, my psychiatrist has given me the option to either increase my Vyvanse mg from 40mg to 50mg ER, or switch to Adderall IR twice a day. This would be instead of doing a booster in the afternoon, for some reason they want to get rid of that for me 🤷‍♀️. Anyone ever have this switch? Do you take adderal twice a day and do you prefer that? Have you taken 50mg and felt it helped all day??
My issue is I work long, long hours at a vet clinic, and the boosters help. So I'm nervous about switching from Vyvanse to Aderall IR because it's instant, not sure how long that lasts each one, and I hear horror stories of it never being available.
The issue with Vyvance is that even though I prefer it, it's effects on my symptoms only last about 6 hours, so boosters are helpful. AND! I currently have a voucher that allows me to get Vyvanse for free, but that's 40mg. If I don't qualify for another one, I'm forced to take adderall because Vyvanse is close to $400 for 30 days. I have until the end of May to decide.
I need some input, to help me make up my mind.
Thank you!!!

The stimulant shortage has been tough on the whole community!
I was taking Adderall but I’m going on vyvanse which I’ve taken in the past.
I got approved by “help at Hand “ a program run by Takeda the manufacture of the medication.

The process to get the voucher card Involved filling out a form and providing my tax return from last year and having my doctor fax it into them.
I checked with my local pharmacy to make sure that they generally have availability of vyvanse and they confirmed that they did

3.The drug company sent me a letter and a card via email I think it was about a three week approval process. The card needs to be run has insurance when you go pick up your medication.

i’m getting my medication for free but I’m not sure if everybody approved by the program gets it for free or if you pay something depending on how much you earn

1-800-830-9159 I was actually able to get through and talk to somebody at their helpline numberHelp at Hand program

Manufacturing vouchers/coupons —How much does it decrease the overall price? Vyvanse doesn’t have a generic version. My current insurance won’t cover it because it’s name-brand. Yet, the generic version of Adderall IR is not working anymore. The nurse practitioner prescribing my medication won’t prescribe me 60 mg XR. The reasoning is it’s too many pills a month (60 pills a month) But Adderall does NOT manufacture a single 60mg pill. So this is not an option.
Any Advise or Feedback is much appreciated. TYIA

Hi! I'm a 28/f and I was diagnosed with ADD in fall 2020. I was 26 then so I was on my parent's insurance and was able to get put on my corporate job's decent insurance, so for about a year and a half I was lucky to be on name-brand adderall. I was also on 10mg of lexapro. This was super effective, but it made me lose a lot of weight, and eventually the nature of my job (alone for a lot of the day, it was a small department in a grocery store so not a lot to do except hyper focus on straightening products) plus being on a stimulant started to make me very depressed.
My doctor upped my lexapro to 20mg and I got a new job, but the insurance wasn't as great, so I tried a few medications because I found that generic adderall wasn't doing much for me, and I gained a lot of weight back. I tried generic concerta and I had a voucher for vyvanse that I had for a while; I don't remember either being exceptional.
I moved cities in the summer of last year for a new job and went back to generic adderall, because it was cheaper for me. I reduced my lexapro dosage back to 10mg because the higher dosage was making my anxiety worse. I have not stopped gaining weight since (like 20+ pounds in 6 months), despite not being hungry/not really eating anything because of the medication, and exercise hasn't helped either.
I would like to change medication but I don't know what to look for or what to do- I have heard of generic adhd medications causing problems for people, but I'm not on the best insurance. I've started to taper off of this generic adderall because the body image issues have become overwhelming, and even though I'm only on 20mg it makes my heart beat so fast I'm scared to exercise. I found that all they were doing was keeping me awake, but they weren't helping with my symptoms like task avoidance or executive dysfunction. It's been a couple weeks and I now just, can sleep through the entire day if I don't wrestle with myself to get up. It's scary. I don't want to be on stimulants just to keep myself awake, especially if that's the only thing they're doing for me. I'm wondering if anyone has had similar experiences or general advice. I feel like I have been on a downward spiral with medication forever now.
***Edited for space breaks- ty ADHD <3
TL;DR generic medication not helping, making things worse, but options are limited

Hey all! I’ve posted before and am slowly making progress. I’ve been able to make some advancement with my 11 y.o. son who has diagnosed ADHD and am pushing for evaluations for other areas. I recently gained primary custody and his dad didn’t believe in him receiving services or treatment for ADHD in the past so we have a lot of catching up to do.
His psychiatrist just provided a written recommendation for an IEP. This is new territory for me and I’d love to hear advice and resources on where to go. She also suggested a neuropsych evaluation because he’s exhibiting some indicators that lead her to believe he might be on the spectrum. We don’t have Medicaid, we have a private insurance. The psychiatrist said that I should reach out to see if my insurance covers, but likely would be a hefty out of pocket cost. Working on getting that clarity, but also noticed that some of you mentioned receiving a school voucher. Can someone share info in that regard.
I’m a single mom and I work a corporate job. I don’t get off work until 5 so my son is in an after school program ran by FDC at Ditmas Junior High in Brooklyn. He hasn’t been doing MANY of his assignments lately. When something is difficult he shuts down completely, especially with written assignments (including typed work.) I bought him an assignment book and he’s required (by me) to ask his teachers to either write his assignments down or he should be writing them down. I spend the evenings helping him get all of them done and have been working with the teachers on catching him up. Sometimes we have 3 hours of homework. For a child that has ADHD, the meds for focus support have worn off entirely by the time he gets home so homework time is filled with a lot of extra stress and aggression. I’ve asked the principal about after school homework assistance and she basically said that there wasn’t anything she could do. Any suggestions here? I’m mentally exhausted from the literal war zone that evening homework has created in my home.
Lastly, my son is taking Adderall XR in the morning and was just prescribed Clonidine for the evenings to help him settle his mind and fall asleep — prior he wouldn’t fall asleep until 2 am on some nights. I have seen a tremendous improvement in his morning demeanor in the 3 days he’s started taking it, but would love to hear from parents who have long term experience with their child using this as a form of treatment.

With how bad recruiting and the end of the fiscal year are waivers getting approved that wouldn't have a chance before?
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Is there a possibility that I won’t be doing my MOS (68p) after AIT? What’s this I hear about a motor pool and getting stuck there not practicing your job?
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Sere Level C
I’m trying to build a packet to be able to go to Sere C and no one is giving me guidance on how to get there. Can someone help me begin the process and tell me what I need?
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When does the NDAA come into effect? I'm mostly curious about the expanded parental leave since my wife is due fairly soon. Is it the beginning of the fiscal year or is it in December? Thanks
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Any advice for someone who ships out for BT in 2 weeks?
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I've been chatting with somebody deployed, what is something I can say or do that will encourage them and be a positive resource to them?
just a civie trying to understand
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Shipping out for BCT in a week. I’ve been looking up packing lists and required documents to bring and based on what I’m seeing, I should be bringing a crap ton of stuff (GED, marriage certificate, copy of rental lease, etc.). However when I ask my recruiter he says that he already submitted the stuff when I scanned everything and emailed it to him so the only things I need are like my personal ID stuff like social. I’m just nervous cuz at this point I don’t have time to get an official physical copy of some of the documents if I need to bring them. I have mostly scans and pdfs. Anyone have advice?
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68V Reclass
I’m re-classing to 68V, currently I’m a 68W in an Airborne unit, and wanted to know what duty station are best for this MOS. In terms of job satisfaction: actually working in a hospital, learning from other providers, gaining the most out of this MOS. I understand it may vary from base to base but I just wanted and overall idea of what bases I should be looking into (with the rare chance I have a say in where I’m stationed after AIT). Also if any 68V’s would like to add any personal experiences on what to expect in AIT or about your experiences working as an RT please do so. My long term goal is to attend PA or AA school. Thanks y’all! (Reposting this here)
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I'm prior service, Served 8 years was an good soldier. While in IRR got offered to reenlist as a Drill instructor, but during that time got a hand tattoo in 2020 got my waiver approved, Had a kid the same month I ETSed so I decided to get out. It's been two years and looking at reenlistment and curious what everyones experience is with hand tattoos and waivers getting approved. I've heard there getting approved just alittle worried. It's a full hand tattoo covers entire left hand.
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i leave for basic on the 19th and going to fort leonard wood? can anyone tell me about their experience there, or also corry naval air base in pensacola (my AIT)
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Will the Army teach me how to swim? I ship out in a few weeks for OSUT at Fort Benning. I wasn’t able to get an option 40 contract but If I get the opportunity, I would like to volunteer for RASP after training. I am in pretty good shape and have been constantly working on my running, push-ups, sit-up, etc. The thing is I literally don’t know how to swim at all, not even float(Been living in NYC all my life lol). It’s pretty embarrassing not knowing how to swim especially at my age of 19 yrs old and I do know that some aspects of RASP requires swimming. My recruiter ensured me that on base, there are many pools and that I could take swimming classes during my time at basic training. Probably just him trying to get me to sign asap but I’m not sure. Would really like to know if I’d be able to take classes or at-least get some water training so that I can somewhat be able to swim comfortably. Even if it’s not just for RASP, it’s a basic survival skill that I would just like to learn already.
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Any Officers here who worked in the corporate world before joining the Army? What are the pros and cons? Differences in work load? Are the benefits and potential 20 year retirement worth it? I’m a year away from having my MBA and I currently work as an Account Manager but I’m seriously considering applying for OCS. Any insight on your experiences going from corporate America to the Officer world would be cool. Thanks.
Edit: I searched for similar posts to this but couldn’t find anything relevant. The Reddit search function returned 10k posts with the word Corporal instead of corporate
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If you were an E-6 with a Masters Degree who doesn’t dislike his job but is just board with it and wants a change what would you do?
Drop a warrant packet to go 880A or 881A
Or drop a packet and Commission.
I need to do something different and I these degrees are burning a hole in my pocket. Feels incredibly stupid to have a masters and make $40k less than the Plans O and CHOPs who just send me their slides to do for them anyway.
So, yea, thoughts for the crowd, what would you do?
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Asking for a TPU soldier I supervise - how soon do you have to tell the Army you are pregnant? It's earlier than she would typically "announce" so she doesn't want the whole unit to know quite yet. But is there a timeline where we are required to inform command/s1?
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Hello, I was a part of the new ARMS 2.0 program at Ft. Jackson and I’m at the airport heading to Ft. Sill for BCT. I did all my processing at Jackson already but I’m wondering if I’ll have to repeat it all at Sill or will I be added to the ship line for that week?
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Should I go Active or NG? I've got both recruiters talking to me and they both sound pretty good, being a senior in high school I don't really know what path to choose. I want to go to Airborne, Ranger, and Air Ausault schools, what would be the better option to eventually go to SFAS?
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I'm currently enlisting, and the job I'm interested in and they're recommending is 68a. Does anyone have any experience with this position? Would you recommend it?
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So I’ve been trying to enlist for a month and a half now. I’m 32, got an 83 on the ASVAB and passed medical last week. Yesterday my recruiter and I finished getting together my criminal history, which I will describe below.
Between 2009-2011 I got in a bit of trouble. 11 misdemeanor charges to be exact (6 of them were “dismissed” and so only 5 I was convicted of). My convictions are a DUI, 2 violations of probation, a public intoxication, and a Minor in possession of alcohol. The charges that were removed from my record are Maintaining a common nuisance, public intoxication, violation of probation, underage consumption of alcohol, minor in possession of alcohol, and a possession of marijuan.
The FBI fingerprint only showed the 5 I was convicted of, but I was already open and honest with my recruiter before the fingerprint, and so we went through the process of trying to locate all of the dispositions from the courts and police stations, but they all came back with “no record found”… So my recruiter had me to a “Self Admittal” since we couldn’t find proof of over half of my charges.
The waiver was launched this morning and I’m wondering what my chances are of being approved. My recruiters boss was laughing at my background (not in a negative way) and told me to relax that I will get in, but I also know he may have been telling me what I want to hear.
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i recently had a recruiter talking to me saying you get your phone every weekend during BCT and i feel like he’s bullshitting me, especially since he stated that all branches go to the army sniper school and some other schools. can anyone that’s recently been to BCT confirm this for me?
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Army Genesis Post:
Recently completed MEPS, did SDP (same day processing).
MEPS: Get done taking ASVAB and Personality Test, head into the med center. They'll do Height/Weight, Blood, Blood Pressure, Urine, Visual, and Audio. After that it's lunch then waiting on the doctors interview.
Doctors interview/Physical: This is the genesis part. The doctor will ask you a list of questions. I know I'll get removed here for saying to lie so if anyone has specific Q's just dm me. They happened to have only around half of my actual civilian records.
Swore in that day and now am in DEP until Jan. Feel free to message as I was scared about genesis myself.
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question about DD form 368. I am currently in 30AG and really am thinking I’d rather just go do the Air Force. How hard is it to transfer service. been active duty since 8/30 and just not really feeling the army/ regretting my choice of mos.
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Is it true reenlisting for airborne school is no longer authorized?
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Fattie here. Coming up on my 6 month tape for ABCP. I have made satisfactory progress every month so far and will continue to do so. However, in my most recent tape counseling from my PSG it stated that if I don't pass the tape at 6 months they will initiate separation.
AR 600-9 states; b. A Soldier enrolled in the ABCP is considered to be failing the program if: (1) Soldier exhibits less than satisfactory progress on two consecutive monthly ABCP assessments; or (2) After 6 months in the ABCP, Soldier still exceeds body fat standards, and exhibits less than satisfactory progress for three or more (nonconsecutive) monthly ABCP assessments.
If I have made satisfactory progress every month, can/will they still initiate separation? Am I misinterpreting the reg somehow?
"Just don't be fat" - I'm working on it.
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Army Reservist, no car at the moment, and have to go to dental/PHA about half an hour away. Will the army reimburse me for a rental car if I submit a local voucher?
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I’m planning to get the novavax vaccine soon, but I have less than 3 weeks to ship off so I won’t be able to get my second dose on time. Will I receive another Covid shot at reception and if so will it be novavax or a different one?
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Has anyone heard of meps not bothering to look over paperwork the last few weeks? My recruiter said they haven't updated my stuff I sent 3 weeks ago and the deadline is for this year October. He said they aren't really bothering to read anything and he keeps having to highlight everything for them?
I would think they would be pushing to get them in since the military is currently hurting for people at the moment.
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Is OWA down?
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Do recruiting contracts refill every october or is that a myth (i’m trying to sign option 40)
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This is a stupid, inconsequential question but the thought just occurred to me as I was reading the news:
The NDSM is no longer being awarded after 31DEC2022. I am an ROTC cadet who just recently enlisted in the Guard as an 09R cadet for SMP. I will not go to basic training because I am already in ROTC. However, I’m still sort of in the National Guard, right? Will I be eligible for the NDSM?
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can anyone tell me about good fellow afb? supposed to do my ait there for a 35s
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Clearance for 35 series mos.
I am looking to enlist in a 35 series mos, but I am unsure if I will be able to. I am a dual citizen of Japan and the US, my mother is a permanent resident, and my sister is also a dual citizen. What are my chances of being cleared for a TS/SCI clearance and what do I have to do in order to be eligible. What happens if I ship out and I don’t get cleared after training? Thank you.
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New to reddit so hopefully doing this right. My husband is a 35P (Crypto-Linguist-Chinese) considering Airborne. Can anyone tell me where he might get stationed? (We've been told both Fairbanks and Anchorage, but though Anchorage was more likely for his MOS). What is family life/life in general like for an airborne soldier in this situation? Anything is helpful for him to make this decision, thanks
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Just out of curiosity, does someone joining get the choice of vaccine they get? Or can I take a preferred vaccine prior to reception? Or will they mandate one for me, thanks!
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is it a bad idea to go 91b? i’ve been tossing around the idea of retaking my asvab for different job opportunities because of what my brother and dad have said about 91b but being a mechanic is something i am crazy interested in. help
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Anybody do an augmentee assignment with RMIB? How was your experience?
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Thinking about re-enlisting. Currently in IRR. Got prescribed adderall on the civilian side. Can I re-enlist while on it or should I just shut the fuck up?
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Is it normal to have brain fog or constantly zoning out before shipping out? I got less than 2 weeks till I leave…..
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So while I was in basic I had problems with someone and basically he got his revenge by filing a SHARP complaint and I never had the chance to fight it so fast forward I'm in a sharp class and my BN Sarc says that if you have a sharp complaint you'll never make E7 how do I check my records if it's on there will I know if it's on my military record??? So many questions
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I went to MEPS yesterday, everything went smoothly except for the hearing test, the first test is a failure, then when I came to see my doctor for medical record check, he said that my hearing on the right ear is bad, asked if I want to have a retest, I said yes, took the second test and it’s a failure also, after all that, they found out that I haven’t do the ears cleaning stuff yet, so they did. Then they told me to comeback tomorrow for a third test. So is it their fault for not cleaning my ear before I took the second test?
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Is it possible to reenlist before your window?
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Do engineers (12t specifically) require a security clearance?
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So basically I took my asvab and needed 112ST l but got a 109 ST, can this be waved?
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So basically I took my asvab and needed 112ST l but got a 109 ST, can this be waved?
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I'm considering going into the Army as a 68p. Does this MOS transfer well to the civilian world? Which certifications are most valuable to earn?
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35P here. Anybody know what language I’d have to be to get stationed at JBLM? I figured Mandarin would be one but is that the only one?
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I'm graduating with a CS degree soon and I'm looking at which branch fits me. I'm looking for more tech roles and just wanted to know is the army a good choice?
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Do we get phones at processing for Fort Sill BCT?
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I’m in highschool and wondering if I go to college first, does the gi bill still apply for paying my college loans. Or does the gi bill only apply to college after you have served?
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Kinda in a predicament; I was told I need at least three character reference letters for an RE code waiver, but I can't think of one, let alone three. Whatever few (very tenuous ones at that) references I had I already used for my SF-86 and I was told those people can't be reused for the waiver letters, so I'm all out of refs.
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Shipping out in a couple days, can I wear athletic type shorts? Wearing pants isn't a big deal but I wanna be in comfortable clothing because I don't doubt they're gonna wanna gas us when we get there.
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So I spoke to a recruiter recently and He had asked me if I’d ever been treated by a psychiatrist. I told him yes, that I had been treated for general anxiety, was hospitalized for some time and was prescribed medication (got off meds at 19. I’m 24 now). He then told me that I would need to be cleared for anxiety by a doctor.
Should I have kept my mouth shut? (Not dealing with heavy anxiety anymore) Or would the army have found out anyways via medical records?
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do army translators ever see combat
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I have a selective service registration acknowledgment what is it and does it allow me to join the army without a green card?
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i had a working diagnosis of psychosis and was treated for it but my diagnosis was later changed to just anxiety. What would a recruiter say about this?
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The higher the number, the worse your hearing will be?
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Joining the military is something that I want to do, and is beneficial in the long run.
I just don’t feel ready to ship out in any of the branches yet. I still feel like I have a lot of unfinished business here at home, and I’d like to focus a little bit more on my career before I do anything.
I still feel…like I have a lot to learn here at home, like there are a few more lessons before I can take the final exam, if that makes sense.
It took me a while to realize that it’s okay to take risks, but it’s not good to rush yourself into anything. I 100% think if I go to basic training, somehow I won’t feel ready and get kicked out lol. I think the homesickness would kill me. I need to feel 100% satisfied with everything before I can leave home.
What can I do?
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Bm is on a housing voucher. Took her 2 yrs to get to top of list. She admitted that she waited too long to get started on looking at places. She told us that she was not going to have a place for the kids until may 15. We have them full time rn (she dropped the bomb that she was essentially going to be homeless a WEEK after the court entered our 50/50 decree). Yesterday she tells us her new place is falling through because it wont pass city inspections. Her voucher is only valid for 1 more month. She had extreme difficulty finding a place because she waited so long. She stressed thr kids out about not having a place and then promised them this new place (that is now falling through).
Kids were taken to doctor- one is 30lbs underweight and she has been overdosing him on adderall (she said she thought it may be too much for him so decided to open the capsules and dump out half the pill onto applesauce- which was STILL TOO MUCH. Her son was essentially getting high and having a huge come down daily). Come to find out that shes been giving us an old prescription this entire time. Doctor was highly concerned about his weight and the medication being altered by being opened. I wouldnt be surprised if the docs office called cps.
She has always allowed kids to take meds whenever they feel like. She says they refuse and she just doesnt push it.
They all take their meds no problem at our house.
I dont even know where to start. Shes couch surfing and probably wont have a place for kids. She's being flippant with meds when the kids dad had addiction issues in the past with adderall...
Any advice? New court order for 50/50 is probably a month old and we have had the kids 100% of the time since a week after it was signed. Still paying child support.

First of all, I want to apologise to you guys. I know you’re watching me write this.
I took my medication for the first time in a while, and it’s weird without you. I know you’re there, but I can’t feel you. I can’t hear you. In a way, it’s peaceful. I know I promised I’d never do this again—because it hurts you.
But this is something I have to do.
I mean, come on. How can I not do something after the incident at the football game?
I can’t keep doing this on my own. You don’t understand what it’s like to share a every waking moment with you. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want this. I don’t want to hear your thoughts, your memories.
I even hear you crying. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to embarrass you. I don’t want you to feel ashamed for clinging on to life through me and I want this to end. So, I did it. I went behind your back once again and I’m telling the world what happened to us.
I hope you can forgive me. I know you’re mad. I know you want to kill me--- and if this doesn’t work? You can. Feel free to proofread this and tell me what to take out and keep in. I’m not saying this is my story. It’s always been ours, and you still have control over it. I promise you. Cross my heart. As for the people reading this—I’ll start from the beginning.
I’ve never been fully alone inside my head.
When I was 14 years old I was diagnosed with ADHD. Which, in hindsight, explained a lot.
I was never able to sit still as a kid. I always had to have something in my hands, something to fidget and mess around with. I always had to be touching something.
Mom told me when I was young—like really young, I’d crawl around the carpet in pre-school and lift up other kids socks, feeling along the indentations of the markings. Which is by far the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. I wasn’t even self-aware yet and I was still being weird. There’s always been a stigma attached to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which was the sole reason mom was so against me getting tested for it when I was younger.
Kids with ADHD are apparently violent and disruptive, according to her—and Mom’s Net, which was of course her top source to get her information. I wasn’t violent. I was a quiet kid who stayed at the back of the class with my head in the clouds.
It just means I can’t concentrate and get distracted easily—as well as never being able to shut my brain up. There were times when I had a test the next day and it was 2am, and fifteen different conversations were going on in my head while I was trying to sleep.
They weren’t even conversations. It was just noise. Endless noise. Sometimes it was noise, and then it was a TV jingle or the catchy chorus to a song I’d heard on the radio. Either way, my brain was always active and never shut the fuck up. It’s a constant battle with my brain—and I was losing all the time. Even with Adderall it was hard to focus on tasks. Which made it hard to concentrate on pretty much anything. I’d be halfway through my math homework and somehow end up on YouTube, completely enthralled in those Korean barista vlog videos. Even writing this is hard.
I keep getting distracted by the smallest things, and you’ve probably noticed I write in awkward choppy sentences because this wasn’t pre-planned. I don’t have notes or an idea of what I’m going to say. I’m just winging it. So, ADHD sucked. The white noise sucked. Those songs in the back of my head 24 hours a day—sucked. 4 weeks ago, though, I got some real voices in my head.
Not noise. Not music. Actual voices.
I wasn’t supposed to be working that night. Sara, my colleague, had the flu so I had to cover for her. I wasn’t too bothered. It’s not like I enjoyed working at the 24 Hour gas station on the edge of my town, but there is something tranquil about being alone in the middle of the night when the world around me has stopped—and the only interactions I have are with random people who might as well be NPC’s in a video game.
At 4am when I’m really delirious, I swear I can hear the Oblivion theme. It’s mainly truckers or small families asking if their kid can use the rest room. I like to use my time when I’m not serving customers to catch up with a book I’m reading or imagine my own stories—especially when I’m bored. And being in the middle of butt fuck nowhere means I have a lot to work with.
I like studying customers and making up back stories for them. A woman in her late 40’s buying pasta and sanitary pads? She killed someone a year ago. An old boyfriend. His body was still under their shared bed and was starting to smell. The 15 year old kid who’d almost bought our entire stock of Snicker bars?
He was taking them home to his little brother. They were on the run from a government organisation which was after them for--- huh. I have no idea. Super powers? That’s what all the movies are about these days, after all.
On that particular night, though, the store wasn’t dead like usual. I don’t know what was going on in town, but it seemed like every time I’d pulled out my dogeared copy of Percy Jackson and got maybe a few paragraphs down the page, the doors were opening and someone else was coming in. So much for basking in the quiet of the night. The store itself was fairly big, so I could ignore people until they came to the counter.
It was maybe 1AM and the store was bustling, around 3 or 4 customers wandering around. The old intercom was playing a late night radio station which seemed to be exclusively playing Foo Fighters. Not that I was complaining.
I was serving a tired looking woman with a kid, and a random old man had decided to park himself in front of the register and tell me his life story. But it didn’t end there. The guy was—weird. He was well-dressed, like he’d just come back from a funeral, sporting a navy suit and expensive looking shoes. After telling me he served in a war and about his multiple grandchildren, his beady eyes flicked to me.
And like a switch had been pulled, he slowly started to unravel. It started with the singing. Then chanting. I didn’t know what he was saying, it was gibberish in my brain. I was tired.
I didn’t have a great night’s sleep the night before and chatting to an old guy with some yikes opinions wasn’t really on my to-do list. I was scanning the woman’s groceries, trying to ignore him, but it was hard when he was standing directly in front of me, demanding my attention. The woman was on her phone, ignoring her kid who kept grabbing candy bars and dropping them on the counter. “Man in a van.” Was his particular favorite. The kid lifted her head, blinking at the guy. He shot her a cheesy grin. “Man in a van!”
“Excuse me.” The woman cleared her throat when the kid started to cry. She was maybe my mom’s age with dark circles under her eyes and a perm scowl. “Can you do something about him? He’s scaring my daughter.”
Just smile, I told myself.
Fucking smile.
“I’m sorry—”
She cut me off. “You’re sorry? He made her cry!”
“Ma’am, I can’t do anything about him.” I countered. I had to smile, my manager said. Even if the customer was being a total weirdo, I had to smile.
So, I did. I smiled so much my jaw was aching. The woman paid for her groceries and made a quick get-away, pulling her little girl with her.
I was left alone with the man.
Smile. I turned my attention to the flickering light fixture above, then to the door, and then the candy aisle—anything to avoid giving the man attention. “What’s your name, sweetie?” He leaned forward, narrowing his eyes. He was practically vibrating with excitement and I bit back a hiss of frustration. He really wasn’t going to give up, huh. I have an eight year old nephew and I use the same tactic on him when he gets rowdy and hard to handle. I just ignored him. I sit and I stare at my phone or watch TV, or just stare into space. The trick was to not engage with them and they would get bored. The old man, however, didn’t seem to be getting the memo.
“Hey. I’m talking to you.” The man grouched. “What’s your name?”
“Eve.” I said, eyeing the door. My manager was due to come back to check stock in an hour.
Which meant I was alone with the old guy.
“And your other names?” The man demanded, hovering a wrinkly finger in front of me. I thought he was going to poke me, but instead he traced his words into the air. "There's more than one of you in there. Don't be shy. I can see it, you know.” He took a step back, nodding to himself. “I can see the man in the van. The bad man.”
It was getting progressively harder to humor him. If he meant second or middle names, there was no way I was saying them. Not just because he was crazy.
We weren’t allowed to personally talk to customers for obvious health and safety reasons. I guessed they didn’t apply at 2am when my manager was MIA. I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I just tell him to fuck off? Well, I’m 17 years old and I cry when someone raises their voice at me. I’m intimidated by my own age group outside of school, and the only fight I’ve been in was with Hanna Motor in Kindergarten when she stole my Nutella sandwich. “I’m just Eve.” I said. “Sir, if you don’t mind—”
“Lying.” The man looked me dead in the eyes, and at that moment he didn’t seem senile. He didn’t seem crazy.
“You’re lying.” He murmured, leaning closer, his fingers gripping the edge of the counter. “Why are you hiding them?”
I frowned at him. His words were curling in my gut. “What?”
“You’re hiding…” Inclining his head, the guy seemed to snap out of it for a moment, his smile curling into a scowl. “No. No, too early. Man in the van. Bad man.” His eyes grew frenzied and he tore at his hair, and it was enough to send the bottom falling out of me. “Bad man in the van. Voices. Three singing voices and the bad man!”
“I think you should leave.” I managed to say softly.
“Leave? No, I can’t—I can’t!”
I was shocked to see his eyes were glistening with tears. “Bad man.” He wailed. “Bad, bad man!”
The windchimes on the door jingled, signalling another customer.
Thank God. I straightened up with a breath, planting my hands on my hips.
“Is that—a movie?” I spoke louder, praying the newcomer was intimidating enough to scare him off.
He lifted his head, lips puckering into a maniacal grin. “Stupid girl!” He hollered. “Can’t you see?”
That time he did poke me. Square in the forehead. It didn’t hurt but it was enough to send shivers rocketing down my spine. “You hide them.” He spat. “You don’t want them do you?” His fingers formed scissors and he made a cutting motion. “Cut.” He said through a mouthful of saliva which landed on the collar of my work polo.
“Cut, cut, cut. That’s what you want to do.”
“Right.” I said, shakily. “Uh, did you want anything? I’d be happy to help you.”
To my surprise, the guy walked away. He didn’t leave, but he did disappear down the frozen food aisle.
Which was good enough for me.
I pulled out my phone and shot a text to my manager.
ME: Where are you? There’s a weird guy in the store and he’s freaking me out. Are you still coming to do stock and closing?
A few minutes later my manager texted back: “Hey, Eve. Sorry, been busy. Do you mind doing stock and closing tonight? Thanks!!!!"
Glaring at the text, I wanted to throw my phone at the wall. He didn’t even read my message. All he saw was an opportunity to pile more work on me. Lifting my head, I scanned the store for the man, and caught a flash of bright yellow dancing across the front aisle. When I squinted, I realised it was a girl.
I recognised her automatically. Beck Livia. She was in several of my classes and was the human embodiment of the sun—or a golden retriever. She was always all smiles and bright eyes and optimism, always dressed in extravagant clothes and eccentric colours, long blonde hair trailing behind her. That night was no different. The girl practically danced from shelf to shelf, the straw hat complimenting her outfit bobbing along with her. “Look at this!” She squealed at an elephant plushie on display. When there was no answer, she turned and gestured wildly to the door.
“Look! Oh my god, it’s so cute!” Beck was bouncing up and down, and I found myself envying her energy.
Only she could emit that much excitement at 2AM at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.
My gaze followed hers and found two others—also kids in my classes. Freddie Mathers and Ace Duvont. Both of them on the football team, both of them looking exactly the same except differing hair colors.
I remember a rumour circulating a few years ago that they were twins. I wouldn’t be surprised. Though looking at them, Freddie was definitely shorter than Ace, and seemed to be the nerdier out of the two of them. While Ace was a full on jock. You know, a dude-bro type. If they thought they were being inconspicuous wearing baseball caps, the two of them were failing miserably. But they didn’t follow Beck. Instead, they headed straight for me. Not before grabbing a crate of beers from the refrigerator. I caught wind of their hissed conversation.
"Did you say there was a party tonight?" Freddie murmured, picking up a can of Coke and shaking it.
His gaze travelled to Beck, a smile framing his lips as he watched the girl on her plushie war-path.
"Yeah.” Ace stuck his head in the refrigerator, pulling his hat off. “Lisa's having one."
"And you're in charge of drinks?"
"Well, no….”
Freddie snorted. "Oh. Lisa, huh? Doesn't she have a boyfriend?"
"So?” Ace snorted, pulling out a crate of beers. “It's 2021. I can do em' both."
It wasn’t long before the three of them rounded the counter, and I felt my cheeks redden. Old people were something, but my age were a whole different breed. “Evening.” Ace’s strong southern twang was friendly enough, but from the way he was smiling and his eyes practically popping out of his head, I knew exactly what he wanted. Patting the crate of beers, Ace peered at me through thick strands of hat hair hanging in his eyes.
“Just these, please.”
I nodded, glancing at Freddie, who seemed way too interested in the candy section. Beck stood next to him, clutching the elephant plushie. Oh god, here it comes, I thought. I dreaded these words every time a minor tried to buy alcohol. And it was even worse when I knew them, because by their logic, I was ruining their fun night.
“ID?” I asked, my voice breaking a little.
Ace cocked a brow. “Oh, come on, Eve. You know us.” He pointed at himself like I hadn’t seen him several hours earlier in school caught in a playful arm wrestle with the football guys in AP English. “It’s me! Ace Devont?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I know who you are but you need ID. I could get fired for selling a minor alcohol.”
He groaned, tipping his head back. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” I said. “You’re seventeen.”
Ace rolled his eyes. “I’m eighteen in two weeks.” He sighed. “Okay, I’m willing to bribe you.”
He dug in his jacket and pulled out a five dollar note and a McDonalds voucher. Ace waved the voucher with a smirk. “Just think of the two in one burger deal. You get, uh—I think that says a double bacon cheeseburger and fries for the price of one. And—” He glanced at the deal. “Oh, shit! A large Coke too? That’s, like crazy. Wow.”
His sarcasm was driving me nuts.
“I’m a vegetarian.”
“Then drink the Coke!”
When I settled him with a scowl, he grabbed the crate of beers and put them back with exaggerated slowness before returning to the counter. “Fine.” He huffed. “Do you have Fanta? I’m only seeing Coke and diet Pepsi.”
“Fanta?” Beck leaned into him with a frown. She really wasn’t going to let that toy go. The way she was clutching it reminded me of a little kid.
“My parents have spirits somewhere,” Ace muttered. “We water them down with Fanta.”
Freddie smacked the counter, making me jump. “Genius!”
“What kind of Fanta?” I asked, eager to get him the drink so they could leave. I just wanted to go home, and the thought of the old man looming, ready to start his manic chanting, was making me feel nauseous.
Ace shrugged. “I dunno, it’s in a yellow can.”
That narrowed it down.
“You’re going to have to be more specific.” I said.
“I think it had lemons on it? Maybe oranges?”
I bit back a groan. “Okay, if I go into the storage room and get you a crate of Fanta, will you leave?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Right.” I couldn’t help spitting. “I need you guys to get out of here real soon. I need to close up.”
The three of them looked surprised, settling me with the same look—hurt? No, not hurt. Maybe disappointment. But I had no idea what they were expecting. It was almost 3am, it was freezing cold, and they wanted to talk about soda? To break the awkward silence, I caught Beck’s eye. “That’s on the house.” I said, eyeing the plushie. My manager had been complaining last week that they weren’t selling well, so he wouldn’t be too bothered.
“Really?” Beck squeaked, stuffing her face in the elephant plushie. “Thank you so, so much!”
I left her jumping up and down like a kid, and the boy’s too distracted to be pissed at me.
“Orange Fanta!” Ace yelled after me as I hurried down the aisle towards the storage room at the back of the store. I was pulling the door open when I noticed a shadow at the corner of my eye. When I twisted around I found myself face to face with a boy. He was swaying, I noticed. Side to side. The first thing that jumped out at me were the mummy-like discoloured bandages wrapped around his head and the state of him. His clothes were filthy and stained, clinging to pale skin. Peering through the mess of him though, I started to recognise thick sandy curls and ears that had always been way too big—he’d been bullied in kindergarten for it. Elliot Night.
The Sheriff’s son.
And more importantly, the sheriff’s son who had gone missing several weeks before.
At that moment I didn’t know what to look at; Elliot looked almost inhuman, his eyes bulging out of his skull like they’d been carved out, pale skin dotted with strange markings that reminded me of freckles, but they were different colours. Like a child using his face as a canvas. There was something dripping from his nose—a pinkish frothy substance. When Elliot opened his mouth, the same pink froth spattered form his lips. “Uhhhhhh.”
The kid was staring right through me, his eyes drinking in oblivion—and his words were only that, a moan, almost like a zombie. When I took a step back, my stomach diving into my throat, he stumbled forward.
“Uhhhh.” Elliot choked on the pink froth. This time it came out thicker. Lumpier.
“Elliot?” I whispered.
He cocked his head in response and lifted one trembling hand, sticking two fingers in his temples.
“Uhhhh.”
“I’ll get you help.” I hissed out, eager to get away from him. I couldn’t tear my gaze from the bandages wrapped around his head, and the shit coming out of his mouth. It reminded me of—no.. I wouldn’t think that.
I started to run, stumbling over my own feet. When I slammed into something warm, something moving, I lifted my head and found Ace. “Where’s the soda?” He quickly lost his smile. “Woah. What’s got you spooked?”
“Elliot.” I managed to choke out. “He’s—he’s here.”
When I twisted around, though, there was nobody there. I was staring at nothing—only the back shelves.
“Uh-huh.” Ace followed my gaze. “Remind me who Elliot is again.”
Turning to face him, I struggled to get the words out. “Elliot Night! He—”
“Oh.” Ace cut me off. “Oh, that Elliot.” He peeked behind me. “And, what, you saw him?”
“Yes! But he was in bad shape. He had this gunk coming out of his nose and bandages..” I trailed off.
Before I could answer, Ace was walking backwards, his lips stretching into a grin. “Holy shit, I gotta see this.”
“But he’s hurt!”
He scoffed. "Don't be dramatic, I bet he's on something." He shot me smirk. "I'll go check."
“What? No, we need to call the cops!” I yelled after him. But he was already darting down another aisle, eager to find Elliot. I made it back to the counter, but there was no sign of Beck and Freddie. However, the man was back. And he’d dumped almost our entire stock of pasta for me to scan, knowing damn well he wasn’t buying it.
I was out of breath when I jumped over the counter. I was pawing for my phone in my bag when the man spoke.
“Get out.” He said. And when I turned around to face him, he wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t singing or saying that stupid chant. His eyes were pitch dark. He was trembling. “Please. Get out. Man with a van. Bad man.”
Ignoring him, or trying to ignore him, I stabbed in 911. But they didn’t pick up. I tried three times.
“Fuck.” Pocketing my phone, I turned to the old man. “I’m sorry, I have something to do. I’ll be right back, okay?”
He shook his head. “No you won’t.” He muttered, before picking up two packs of pasta and heading towards the door. “I hope you don’t cut.” He said, without turning around. “You’ll regret cut, cut, cutting, Miss Eve.”
The man’s words echoed in my head when I followed Ace’s steps—but there was no sign of him or the others. Elliot was MIA too. I shouted their names, frustrated, until I came to the back sliding doors leading to the staff parking lot. When I stepped into night, it felt like submerging myself in pooling black. The breeze was cool on my bare arms and I was grateful for it. I took slow steps and cupped my mouth, shouting the others names.
“Ace?!” I yelled. “Hey, this isn’t funny! We need to find Elliot!”
When I took a step forward, my foot crushed something—soft. I bent down to pick it up and cringed when my fingertips grazed soft fur. It was small, moulding into my hand. Peering down at it, something cold slid down my spine. The elephant plushie Beck had been obsessed with. I started walking, faster this time, striding to the middle of the parking lot. There were staff cars already parked, and my own beaten up Bug. Weaving through them, I was anxious to get to my own car. I had a plan. I’d call the police from inside my car and then head to the station to report seeing Elliot. Moving quicker, my shoes crunching in the gravel made me cringe. I could see my Bug sitting on the edge of the lot, when I caught sudden movement. I saw a shadow several feet away.
“Ace?” I hissed, abandoning my plan to get to my car—and following the silhouette dancing in the dark.
I stopped, though, when the shadow bled into a real person. A man. He was tall, my dad’s age. He took long strides across the lott. And dangling over his shoulder, a tangle of limp arms and legs bouncing along—
Ace.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Ace Duvont was knocked out, a smaller shadow caught in the black. I came to an abrupt stop, my breath catching in my throat. I was watching it happen, right in front of my eyes. I was watching Ace being carried away and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t scream or cry out or breathe. People speak of sudden bravery when seeing something traumatising—a rush to help, a very human reaction. But it’s bullshit. That’s adrenaline. And right then, the adrenaline I had was pumping through an unresponsive body. I wanted to move but I couldn’t. I was paralysed. I was fucking paralysed and I was watching it happen.
The sound of engines revving sent a bout of bile creeping up my throat. There was a black van parked in the darkness. When the headlights suddenly lit up, blinding me, I finally realised what Ace Duvont’s fate was. The stranger with Ace unconscious on his back pulled down shutters at the back of the van and dumped the boy inside. Man in a van, I thought dizzily. I wanted to laugh. It was fucking crazy, the man’s words were crazy and yet somehow he’d known that this was going to happen. He’d known exactly what was going to happen.
And I’d treated him like he was senile.
“Uhhhhh.”
Elliot’s moan startled me—followed by cold metal being protruded into the back of my head.
He stabbed it again, and I recognised that notion as telling me to walk.
And I did. I stumbled forwards, my legs threatening to fold beneath me.
“Elliot.” I said in a breath. “If he’s making you do this, you can stop it. Just… let me help you.”
His response was another harsh stab. He stuck the barrel into the back of my neck, dragging it down the curve of my back and down my spine. He coughed, and I felt something wet hit the back of my head. “Uhhhh.”
Elliot led me to the back of the van, and I had no choice but to climb in too. Not before turning and begging him. I begged him, but there was—you need to understand this. There was nothing behind his eyes. There was nothing to fight for, to fight with. There was no emotion, no pain or anger or helplessness. I was staring into the void, and the void was staring back. I’ve told you so many times it’s like I’m a fucking stuck record. I tried.
I tried to save you. I fucking TRIED.
Elliot shoved me harshly, and I fell face-first onto cold metallic flooring.
The shutters were closing back up before I could jump up and try and get out, try and scream for Elliot.
When the van started to move, I struggled to stay sitting up. It was so hard to breathe and words were tangled, knotted, so fucking hard to say. I could make out shapes in the dark when my eyes started to adjust. Freddie and Beck were sitting together, their arms wrapped around each other, and Ace was curled into a ball, out of it.
I remember the slight glimmer of a headlight from outside filling the space for a moment, bringing clarity to our situation. I remember looking at Beck, at her tear-stained face, her closed eyes, her lips mouthing soundless words. Please, she was saying, praying to a God she believed was going to save her. Please, please, please.
They were beautiful. That’s what I think now. Looking back, I wish I’d had more time to look at them.
At Beck’s golden curls, like a halo around her. Her bright smile which lit up any room she was in.
Ace’s freckles dotting his face- the playful curve of the smirk on his lips.
The mess of bedhead which was Freddie’s hair, curious and amused eyes drinking me in back in the store.
All of it.
All of them.
I wish I’d had enough time to fully know them.
Their faces.
Their expressions.
“What’s going to happen to us?” Beck whispered after a long silence, where I was relaying the old man’s words in my head, and trying not to think about them, trying not to connect puzzle pieces in the haze of my mind.
Beck didn’t get an answer.
And I won’t tell you what happened to us that night. That will come, but I want to focus on the aftermath.
The truth is? I don’t remember that night. I remember the van coming to a hurtling stop. I remember slamming into the walls and popping my nose. The strange man injected me with something cold which made me sleep.
And I did.
I mercifully slept, and I was lucky enough to not live out that night.
Unlike them.
Three days later I was found several yards away from my work. I was bloodied and bruised, dressed in light blue hospital scrubs. My hair had been shaved cleanly off. Blood tinged my lips and my head pounded. I could feel myself curled up into a ball, my bare feet grazing tarmac, my head nestled into grass sprouting from the side of the road. It tickled. I heard engines fly by, but I couldn’t move. My body wouldn’t let me move.
It was only when I heard voices, when my brain started to come around. But I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep forever, because it wouldn’t leave my mind.
Behind my closed eyes all I saw was the blur of orange flame, and shapes dancing in smoke. I was seeing his triumphant grin. Three bodies coming apart, melting together, hair singing from scalps and clothes catching alight. It was almost mesmerising. I remember screaming. I remember crying until I couldn’t anymore. But he didn’t stop. He didn’t fucking stop, and I had to watch it. I had to watch—
I had to watch them burn.
“Evelyn?” A voice sliced into my consciousness. “Oh my god, Evelyn!”
“Is that—”
Another voice.
“Yes! Yes, it’s her! It’s her!”
Faces loomed over me when I pried my eyes open. I was frowning at a crystal blue sky and three faces.
I didn’t know any of them.
No. Something snapped inside of me.
No, I did know her.
The blonde woman was suddenly so familiar I wanted to cry. She looked like she’d been crying, like she hadn’t slept in days. My eyes watered and I opened my mouth, a wet sob coming out. There was something there, skating the back of my mind. I felt it like a wave coming over me, like I was drowning, suffocating. “Mommy?”
Mommy! The words were like lightning bolts in my mind, and then my mouth.
The woman’s eyes widened, and at the same time I clamped my mouth shut.
What was I talking about? She wasn’t my mother. I knew my mother.
"Evelyn." The woman whispered. “Calm down for me, okay?” I could sense others behind her, a man shouting down the phone. Something about an ambulance. “Honey, where's Rebecca? Where's my daughter?"
That feeling—that shadow that I’d felt touch me, was suddenly stronger, and it was pulling me down, down, down. “What are you talking about?” I squeaked. They weren’t my words. “Mom, I’m right here!” I reached out, but it wasn’t my hand. It wasn’t me raising my hands.
I touched the woman’s cheek, trembling fingers gliding across her cheeks. “Mom.” I sputtered through emotions imploding inside my head. Three different waves, three different suffocating shadows all trying to yank me down, all trying to talk through my mouth. The blonde woman looked stunned, but she seemed to hold herself, leaning from my—no, it wasn’t my touch. It wasn’t mine.
It wasn’t mine.
“Evelyn.” She whispered. “Evelyn, you need to tell me what happened, okay? Come on, sweetie.”
I answered with a scream, an animalistic cry I couldn’t swallow down.
Like a monster was crawling up my throat.
Suddenly my body was shaking. I was spitting, crying, trying to get up, trying to choke the woman.
Another voice, another wave, another silhouette that had taken me over. It was loud. It was terrifying, and I felt it. I felt him slamming his hands into the barriers in my mind. Tangled together, the two voices, one sobbing for her mother, and the other trying to choke her—sent my own mind into a frenzy. I couldn’t control myself.
And it dawned on me that I wasn’t me. I wasn’t just me. I was him. I was her. I was them. His voice came out before I could stop it. “What the fuck? What the FUCK? What the fuck is going on? Who are you? Where am I?”
When the woman tried to console me, he spat at her through my lips. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
Mom! I could hear her wail. I could feel her pain, her agony slicing into me like a knife.
Beck.
His anger and frustration at not being able to speak. Not being able to move.
Ace.
But it couldn’t be, I thought. I’d seen them—I’d seen them burn. He’d made me watch them burn.
It seemed to dawn on him the same time it did on me, and then spreading like a virus, leeching onto all of us.
Imagine screaming but it’s ten times louder. Ten times more painful. Ten times the bursting lungs, the raw throat, the panic and pain and anger. I felt all of it and it was enough to send me spiralling. I thought I was going crazy. Even when Freddie’s voice came last, the last connection binding us together, spoke through the others cries. “He did it.” He said stiffly, while paramedics struggled to pin my struggling arms Ace was trying strain free, and Beck wailing for her mother.
“He fucking did it.” Freddie’s voice grew louder with hysteria until he was the loudest. I felt physical pain—- like I could feel his fists beating into the back of my skull. “Get me—get me out!”
As soon as I was lucid enough to speak clearly, I told the paramedics. I told my mother. I told specialists and the police. “They’re inside my head.” I said. “They’re inside my head!” And when I tried to prove it, letting one of them take over, I was given sympathetic looks.
Words like schizophrenia were thrown around. When I told their parents the truth, I was slapped in the face like it was my fucking fault. Days and weeks went by, and I was put on meds. Because they thought I was crazy. They thought it was trauma, that I’d witnessed something so terrible, I was hiding behind the fantasy that they were inside my fucking head.
I wasn’t that imaginative.
The pills did work. Too well. One minute they were all talking to me, speaking over each other and trying to come with a plan to proof their existence, and then they weren’t. For the first time in my life my mind was silent.
But it was too quiet. Too peaceful. I went three days without them and then I grew paranoid I’d lost them all together. They were the last remnants of my classmates and I’d chased them away with drugs.
I didn’t take my pills the next day—and they slowly crept back.
They started soft. Weak. They could barely cry out. Before they grew stronger, and I was met with a tornado of anger. Until they begged me to stop taking them-- and I did. Because when I didn’t they filled my head with memories I didn't have, ones that I didn't want. The night they were put inside me.
Bloody scalpels, screaming, strapped down under a blinding light. I saw myself, the so-called host, lying on a slab of metal. I threatened them, then. I told them if they continued, I'd slice my wrists open and we'd all die. So, we came to an agreement. I wouldn't take the pills, and they would keep their memories to themselves. I didn’t want to see them.
I didn’t want to see them die, and me become them.
Eventually, mom convinced me to go back to school—and of course that’s where they couldn’t help themselves.
Between us, we call them Eclipse’s. There’s a full eclipse and partial. Initially, with them it was partial. The shadow of the three passed by and gained control, but I’d still be at the back of my mind. I’d still be conscious. Then came the full eclipse. Total take over. I’d black out standing in my room, and then I’d be at school, half dressed, talking to kids I didn’t know. Talking to them like I knew them. Because they were talking through me.
So, I got the weird looks.
All I got were looks of sympathy. “Oh, that’s the girl who was kidnapped. She acts so weird now."
“Right? We lost our best player, and probably the hottest girl in the year— and they leave us with her?”
They weren’t quiet enough, and Ace always heard. He’d captured my thoughts and my body, a partial eclipse, and before I knew what was happening I was stalking over to the two guys, my hands curled into fists.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
They turned to me with wide eyes. “Well?” Ace barked. “Say it again! Come on, I didn’t hear you the first time.”
“Chill, we didn’t mean it.” One guy chuckled.
Ace was seething. And he was strong. His hold was impossible to shove away. “No, say it! Tell me what you said!”
The guy’s walked away muttering to each other, and Ace lurched my body into action to follow them.
I dragged him back. “Stop.” I said, stapling our feet. “Fucking stop.”
"Why should I?”
"Because you're in my body!"
Freddie wasn’t any better, or Beck. They started to take over in Full Eclipse. I’d pass out in the middle of the day and wake up in Beck’s kitchen, her mother screaming at me to get out—and then slamming my fists into the softwood of Freddie’s parents trailer. My throat was raw from crying and screaming, my fists bloodies and bruised. His mother was on the other side, but he wasn’t listening to reason. He never fucking listened.
"Mom, it's me!" He slammed my head into the door and I saw stars. “It’s me, mom! Mom, it’s fucking me!”
Over the last few months, it’s gotten worse.
The force of them is too much. My nose bleeds when they take over for too long, and I keep blacking out.
I keep doing things that aren’t me. I wake in the middle of the night creeping through the dark, and when I ask what they’re doing, they never tell me. they just lie. A few days ago I went to a football game to distract myself, or maybe part of me wanted to do it for the boy’s. After all, it was their team who was playing.
It was a bad idea. Initially, I don’t think they meant to take control, but the force of their emotions slammed into me, and it was enough for a slow moving partial turning into a full. I had been stuffing a corn dog in my mouth to muffle their yelling which was powerful, like barf, exploding from my mouth. They were really into the game.
Beck, on the other hand, was on the look out for her mother. She was sneaky when she took over.
When the crowd jumped up, booing, when the other team scored, Freddie and Ace were no exception.
With my body.
"Foul!" Ace groaned through my mouth. "Come on, you're getting your asses kicked!"
Before my body went stiff. That same shadow was coming over me. The crowd around me dulled. I knew who it was from the way he took over. Slowly. It was always slow, like he enjoyed inserting himself into control.
Ace.
Ace. No. I thought, my mind going blurry. I felt myself go limp, cut from control.
Relax, he said. They need me. They're getting murdered.
The Eclipse came fast, a shadow over my mind.
I woke up faced down on the field, the crowd booing. My head was pounding, and Ace was slipping back, letting me go. Jason Cairns held out a hand, his expression creased under his helmet. “What the hell was that?!
“What was what?” I slurred.
“Are you kidding?” Jason laughed. “You scored, Eve! For the other team!”
What? I thought.
“Not only that! What was that kick? Since when you could do that?"
“Eve Hargreaves!” Coach was suddenly in my face. “Get off the field, you’re making a fool out of us!”
“I’m making a fool out of you?” Ace suddenly yelled though my mouth.
“Coach, you know I’ve done better than that!”
He looked confused for a moment before shaking his head. “Get off my field or that’s an automatic suspension.”
My body was his right then. He squared my shoulders. I stood up and kicked the grass before grabbing the man by the neck. "Oh, yeah?" Ace snarled. "What about the scouts, huh? I was the top guy they were looking at!"
"Miss Hargreaves." Coach looked scared, "If you want to continue going to this school, I suggest you remove your hands from me right now."
My hand slipped. “Like I wanted to be on your shitty team, anyway.” Ace spat. “Have fun losing.”
Before I could stop him, my hands were thrusting out. I don’t remember them making contact with the man—But I do remember him flying halfway across the field, like he was being yanked back by an invisible string.
Ace held my head high, staring into a crowd of baffled onlookers.
He smiled at them.
Coach was fine. Maybe a little winded, but fine. I left the field, and their combined steps filled with pride faded to my own stumbles. The second Ace and Freddie had let go, I was on my knees on the side-lines, sucking in sharp breaths of air. “How did you do that?”
I was gasping into the bitter breeze, speaking to them out loud, despite eyes burning into me. They didn’t reply. They never fucking reply, and I’m the one that looked like a complete psycho. Why don’t you tell me, huh? We had an agreement, and they don’t even tell me where they go at night. They’re lying to me. I can feel them right now. There’s something waking up inside them, slowly.
It’s building between them. I don’t know what’s going to happen when it explodes.
And it’s going to go off inside me.
Sometimes I just--
I’m sorry, guys.
I’m sorry if you read this.
Sometimes I just want to cut you out. And I know after this you’ll take over. You’re going to try and take this down. I want to help you. I do. I just don’t know fucking how. I want my body back. Do you understand me?
I just want my body back.
If there’s a chance I can get you out without hurting you, I will.
I suppose this is where I ask my question to you.
Does anyone know how I can cut them out-- without killing them?

Okay so mom didnt give me a heart attack. Stress did that. I try to placate too many ppls.
She did apologize for hanging up on me. She is like a high functioning autistic, so sometimes/ a lot of the times it takes time for to actually process what you said or did.
So dr visits before pandemic. It's fun listening to drs state that it was a panic attack, as I am too young to be having heart attacks. I asked then why was it my blood had those proteins that indicate I had a heart attack. The dr did a double look at my records and again said vit you are too young for heart attacks, those proteins could have been released during a heavy exercise.... I told them bbn I dont do strenuous gym exercises.... he said sex can do it if you're vigorous enough. Yes I have sex but trust me I wasn't having sex when I was walking home and had that heart attack. He wanted to prescribe anxiety meds. And did essentially do that. I asked for an eKg it's the thing they put the chest pieces. Ekh.... I forget the abbreviation. Doc didnt want to do it. I said fuck it and went to leave. I happened to have my mother with me on this visit. She asked what happened, I explained my fuck it response.
Man yall she lost her shit. She knew I wouldn't take the clanapins, I cant spell sorry. He also tried prescribing an anti depressant. I dont do those, they react very badly in my system. I tend to stick to weed, it handles the nerve damage that happened from the last round of the stuff. Think depakote 500 mg five times a day at 16. I dont have seizures btw. Mix that with adderall, clanapin, zoloft, seroquel, and moban. I once was asked if I trusted cops and said fuck no, which lead to a bunch of bs.
So again mom flipped out. Which is what I should have been doing. She demanded they show her evidence that it was a panic attack. I gave her permission to look at my medical records.
I forgot they had done an chest probe at the emergency department. They had the read outs in my folder, the actual print out not the digital copy. Paper! She asked if I saw that. I shrugged, the doc said they didnt have them and i believed them. He didnt realize there was information in my paper file not digitized. I had to wait a few extra minutes, I was so ready to go.
I had another chest probe done. Turns out I have a heart murmur with one side possibly being weak enough to cause a glitch. Do you know had I taken the perscription I could gave killed myself. So now I have a mom who still cant cook a meal on the stove or handle finances, telling me what I can and cant do. Its pissing me off. I know she comes from a place of worry. But when I tell her to back off she doesnt. She just reminds me u cant be getting excited and to calm down. Idk who told the first person. To calm down it they probably got shot for that, it never works.
So the doc office called and asked if I wanted to do a follow up since seeing the dr was months ago. I laughed, explained I would find a new gp and a new cardiologist, I am tired of being downplayed. Problem is many docs aren't taking new patients.
I am trying to keep stress and activities levels low. But I feel like a teenager all over again. All responsibilities and no power. I am used to running the house, but lately everything is pissing me off. Dishes in the drain clean and drying, annoyed, floor not mopped annoyed, dirty bathroom annoyed, food shopping again annoyed. I thinks it's the mom kinda cleans .... no sweeping, but we have a swifter. Kid does the swifter cause my mom broke two already.. dont ask idk how either. I think I am being a sensitive asshat right now. I just feel stuck and raising two kids and a dog. No I cant just drop kick her out. Last time I walked away I found her street homeless and lost, she didnt know who, where are what she was and it wasn't a game. Aps, adult services are a joke here and all they ever do was check and see I want being abusive. That was three four yrs ago now since they have been in our lives. Never helped with getting a place after our house burned down from the kids next door playing with matches. They did require me to take drug, parenting and anger management. I asked about the parenting classes since she's not my kid. Yall I had to take it because if I was willing to let my mom become homeless what was to stop me from kicking out me 6 yr old. Yea I dont get their logic either. Also the same reason I took anger classes. Because the aps worker felt I was too upset after the fire. They came to the hotel to check up on my mom, found her okay. Went to find me, found me smoking in the back parking lot away from ppls, raging on the phone to my best friend. I had every right to be upset. Even my own best friend said so. Aps didnt think so.
Now I feel stuck. Aps didnt work for me last time. Made my life worse, but four years after the fire and two years in a shelter, I couldn't afford to keep paying for a pos room while we waited for section 8 to get fixed. Gotta love section 8, first they wouldn't release the voucher when the fire happened, you could watch it on tv, until I submitted a fire and police report the final official one - those weren't finished until last ur. It was a pain. Then the next place before we could sign the lease with them, they gave it to someone else since our caseworker was taking long. Since then I have been accused of having a hap contract in place on that apartment, that we have the apartment that burned down, or they dont understand why I havent been able to find a place accepting section 8. It's my mother's section 8, since she is disabled and I am not, so I am on her section 8 even though I am the one paying rent. Even mom has problems getting section 8 fixed. And if I have to take her there in person, forget about it. I havent been able to get her to even the eye dr since the pandemic and my docs being a dick. I think I am just rambling now. As I said I feel like a teenager again. Paying rent, caring for all the stuff. And not getting a say so in what I eat, where I go and who I see. I could scream till I am horse, then i am still the asshole for not telling ppl it was gonna go that way. So while mom maybe a justnomil, my fuck buddy has met her a handful of times and swears she is the reason I wont let anyone move in with me. They ain't exactly wrong about that being the reason. Why should crazy get to inconvenience anyone else Then couple with this pandemic and I am just not having any of it.

Back in the day, I was a pretty good full stack (ruby on rails) developer but after years of chronic fatigue, and related stress, I filed for disability in Nov 2014 - so in November 2018 it will be 4 years. At the time, I had been on and off FMLA for about 120 days. A Dr diagnosed me with severe chronic fatigue. A couple other doctors recommended I lesson my work load and/or hours. I was stressing out and not sleeping. I was on adderall and paxil and others. My personality changed for the worse. It was the worst year of my life.
I have years of well documented persistent problems with fatigue.

Hypo thyroid
Hashimoto's
Hypertension
Epstein bar virus
Adrenal fatigue
A CAC heart scan with a score of 1200 (high is 400)
Lesions around pituitary (probably caused by meningitis while in high school)

In Sept 2017, after having some episodes while sleeping (I was diagnosed with sleep apnea - then diagnosed to not have it by the VA) where I had pain across my chest, waking me up. I failed a stress test and was admitted to the emergency room. Several caths showed I have 3 arteries clogged 90% and I had a triple bypass. This happened right before my hearing, so I was not really ready. My lawyer, who I'd only seen that day, was only interested in the fact that I'd just turned 50. I'm not sure what "fighting for your case" really means.
In July 2018, my case was found unfavorable. Then, stunningly, my lawyer 'withdrew from representing' me. It is pretty crushing. If not for friends and family, I'd be on the streets. I've recently been granted a VA VASH voucher for section 8 housing because I no longer want to burden family/friends. Other lawyers won't take my case unless I withdraw my appeal and start a new case. This suggests my case is weak but I honestly don't believe it is and want to take a principled stand. I've always been honest and candid about my situation, including, for example, telling the judge I walk as much as 3 miles, which she used against me. Her objective was to deny my case. She picked the parts that fit that narrative and left out the rest (like the 1200 CAC score, fmla, etc). I feel like the judge was biased, making only passing reference to my coronary artery disease and CABG surgery and leaning on the functional tests, which I did to the best of my ability. For example, remembering 3 out of 5 words and this was given precedence to years of documented, work related fatigue and stress - which hindered my abilities considerably.
I did another CAC scan after the surgery, it is now 2600. If they are just trying to wait it out, hoping I'll just die, they may win :P
I'm not really sure what to do. Any advice appreciated.
Kaz

Severe atherosclerosis
- Open heart surgery
Diagnosed with severe, debilitating chronic fatigue
Diagnosed with adrenal fatigue
Over 50 years old
No criminal record
Honorable discharge from the Navy (served in Gulf War I)

I finally got up the nerve to take the exam. I studied off and on for too long. I studied the first time for about 6 months about 2 years ago then chickened out to take the exam and never registered for a test day. I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you register for a test date. It changes the way you think about studying.
Life happens, I have a couple kids and a wife and in the middle of my second go at studying we bought a house so that delayed me even more, or so that's the excuse I gave myself. Everyone around me kept saying stop being a baby and just schedule an exam date. I fear failure so I kept psyching myself out. So I scheduled my exam date, literally 2 days after the price went up $100 so that was a bummer. My original test date was December 27th which means it would be with the new CAT format which scared me even more. I have been studying for the current linear exam and all of the practice tests I took were based on the current linear exam. Not sure if that will matter, but I liked the idea of having the option to flag stuff and review the test after you finish. So I paid 50 bucks and rescheduled the exam for today 12/13 so I could at least give the current format a shot and if I failed then I would take the new one. I paid for insurance as I called it through skillset.com. They have a 100% pass guarantee so I figured why not get a free retake and a refund if I suck at the first test. Skillset's questions are kinda weird sometimes because they are community written. I suggest getting to 100% ready and then go pro 2 weeks before you take you exam. You have to be pro status and 100% ready status in order to ensure your retest voucher and refund for the pro status. It's a nice just in case type thing or at least a little piece of mind knowing you wont have to drop another 700 bucks on this bad boy.
Enough with the life story and on to my method. I self studied and didn't go through any sort of any boot camp. The boot camps are ridiculously priced and I couldn't justify spending $3,500+ for a weeks worth of information shoved down my throat. It would have been like trying to drink water from a fire hydrant.
I am terrible at taking tests and have A.D.D so focusing is a real bummer when you have to answer 250 questions in one sitting. I didn't take any adderall because it makes my mouth dry and I didn't want to get up for water every 5 minutes during the exam.
Dang it... Side tracked.
Now for what I used for studying materials.
The "(ISC)2 Official Study Guide Seventh Edition" - That book is about as dry as my mouth after taking adderall. Insane amount of information but a solid reference dictionary. I read it cover to cover 1 time because focusing on the super detailed overly explained stuff was brutal. It's a great book to go to when you need to really dial in on a topic you don't quit grasp at least 75%. I rate this book a 7/10
I used the "Eric Conrad 11th hour" book like everyone else. The one I purchased was the 10 domain version because the current version wasn't available at the time of purchase. I read this cover to cover 1 time and then for the 2 days before my exam I read the chapters I wasn't super sharp on. I rate this book 10/10 due to the simple read and how condensed the information was. He just gives you the nitty gritty details and the fly by info you need to touch up on.
I used the Kelly Handerhan videos on cybrary.it. She is super awesome at giving you a solid amount of information on each domain and really digs in on the areas that may be testable. She doesn't go all Shon Harris on you with too much info. Don't get me wrong the Shon Harris MP3's were solid as well, but I found myself losing focus when I listened to her. The Kelly Handerhan videos were great and the MP3 version of the videos were awesome. Only complaint about the Kelly Handerhan videos is that it doesn't auto play to the next video so you cant just let them play through. The MP3's bummed me out a bit because there is a dude after each track of each domain that says stuff. It gets redundant if you listen for an hour long drive to and from work. But I shouldn't even complain a little bit because they are free and awesome. I rate them 10/10 due the simple meat and potatoes information. Good stuff.
I used the Official practice test book only to get the access to the test engine. To me the questions in this specific test engine were worded the closest to the actual exam. The actual exam asks more specific details in the questions but the wording and style of the questions in the test engine are the closest. The answers in the test engine are closest to the wording of the actual exam. I know some folks say they are nothing like the exam so your results may vary. I took every questions in that book at least 2 times. Then took a break from that test engine because I started to memorize the answers. I then switched over to the Transcender test engine (more on that in a minute) to get a different flavor of questions. I rate the official (ISC)2 test book a solid 8/10 only because some of the answer options are too easy to tell what the answer is. But it gets your brain use to the wording on the actual test.
I used the Transcender test engine for a bit and found these questions confusing too. My least favorite part of the test engine was the colors... Good god the colors hurt my eyes and were distracting. Would be nice is they chilled out on the ferocity of the blue and green and just went with a nice grey tone. I found these questions too wordy sometimes and some were confusing. As far as the layout of the test engine it is very similar to the actual exam layout so that was cool. I used that test engine to get in the habit of reading the answers first and breaking the answers down into what I thought were the 2 best answers before reading the actual question. That method is quite interesting and takes a bit of getting used to, but it was pretty helpful to see what the two closest related answers could be. The actual exam tries to play some tricks on you by having two answers that could be absolutely correct, but then there is one word in there that makes one answer more correct than the other. Makes you go a bit cross-eyed. I rate Transcender a 7/10 because the colors and words. Overall questions made you actually really think about the information and whether or not you knew the information.
I used a few iPhone apps just to study while spending some alone time on the throne. You know that rare personal quiet time you get when you have a wife and kids.
I perused through the sunflower pdf... Cool information for a quick glance at terms. 9/10 because it's a good reference and it's free and people spent their time on it and gave it away.
The thing that absolutely helped me the most was the "Simple CISSP" audio book on audible by Phil Martin. This guy really did keep it simple at broke down the terms just enough to not make them too vague. The breakdowns were perfect. The audio book is him reading his own book titled "Simple CISSP". It's 18 hours long I think. I listened to it once at normal speed and then re-listened to it a couple more times at 1.25 speed and then 1.5 speed just so I can hear the trigger words and breakdowns and the insane amount of acronym's that the CISSP has. The acronym's in the CISSP is bananas (que the Gwen Stefani song, sorry it happens every time I spell bananas) that was probably the most intimidating part of studying for it. Phil Martin talks a bit slow which is great on the first listen through, but speeding it up was pretty awesome. I listened on the way to work, when i worked around the house, on my way home from work and listened to it while I fell asleep at night. Talk about some crazy dreams about acronyms and CISSP adventures. I rate this audio book 1000/10 seriously I can't say enough about it. I really think it's what helped kick me over the fence with confidence. If you sign up for a trial on audible you get the audio book for free, but its worth every penny it's sold for.
Now on to the actual exam. Sorry for the really long post, but I'm still processing and brain dumping information to free up some space in my brain. My exam was quite interesting. Unfortunately I only got about 4.5 hrs of sleep the night before my exam due to the time I get off of work and the stuff that I have to do when i get home. I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest against 4.5 hrs of sleep before a gnarly exam like the CISSP. Really slows you down. When i sat down at my testing desk I read the NDA, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't forget to click the yes I agree button within 5 minutes or you auto fail and don't get a refund or re-test date. You essentially just burned $700 in 5 minutes. I've read some horror stories from folks that did their brain dump during the NDA time period and didn't agree in time thus causing them to burn said $700. Your timer doesn't start until you click next to get to the 1st question so that is a perfect time to create your brain dump sheet. I spent a solid 15 minutes recreating the brain dump sheet I practiced making during my test prep time. I literally got 2 questions that allowed me the ability to reference said beautiful brain dump sheet. Sadly the first 50 questions seriously took me over 2 hrs to process in my brain. WAY WAY WAY too long to finish only 50 questions. My brain was still trying to process why I was awake and sitting in front of 250 questions next to someone who typed like they were angry at their keyboard or life in general (remember the testing center has other people taking different exams). When i was taking practice tests I was averaging 2.5 hrs finishing 250 questions so I knew it was time to take a break. I raised my hand like I was back in the first grade all over again asking the teacher if I could go potty. I then got palm scanned out to drink my 5 hour energy drink, eat my protein bar and wash it down with some delicious over priced Dasani bottled water and then take my potty break.
My initial plan was to take 50 questions at a time and at least stand up and stretch and give my eyes a break. That went right out the window after I realized how slow my brain was thinking. Like I said before I didn't take my adderral so that wake up and alert and focused stuff wasn't happening in my brain so that was a bummer. I'm sure I annoyed the folks sitting next to me because of my tapping and moving and stretching and standing up and yawning, but hey they should have put the headphones on or the earplugs in like I did to tune out all of the ambient noises. I can't stress enough how key the earplugs were, seriously a life saver after hearing the keyboard monster next to me. Seriously sounded like she was going to smash the keys through the desk.
Dang it side tracked again.... Last time I promise. The first 50 questions had me like whoa, is this really happening, I actual know the answers (I thought) or am I playing some hopeful trickery on myself. The questions were on what I focused on the most. But then came the next 75 questions and then my brain was like what the heck are you doing here this test is above your brain computing powers just raise your hand and go to the bathroom and leave like a ninja and never return to this beast of an exam. Then I tricked myself into treating it like a practice test to help reduce the stress, because at that moment I thought I was practicing for my retake of the test to then only stress myself out again because I then remembered the retake would be the new CAT exam format. I wanted to punch myself in the face a few times. But I pushed on and plugged through the next 125 questions. Some of the questions I got were not in any of the books or note-cards or anything I read or remember reading so that bummed me out because it made me think I didn't prepare in depth. The questions on my particular exam were random. I would suggest focusing A LOT of time on the SDLC, BCP/DRP, the ISO stuff, and CC stuff. I had a few OSI model questions a few crypto questions (speaking of crypto, how about that Bitcoin thing). I probably had more SDLC questions than anything. Remember you will most likely see 2 answers that would fit the question perfectly, but there will be a random word or 2 that make one answer better than the other. But in general just make sure you have a solid foundation of all of the domains, you may get a test that hammers hard on OSI or Cryptography or other stuffs.
You know how some of the posts you've read say that some of the successful folks only got a couple drag and drop questions, well I'm not one of those lucky folks. I no joke got 15 drag and drop questions and felt like the unluckiest dude at that very moment. I think my least favorite part of the exam is that stupid count down clock on the top right corner of the test screen. In my head it made a tick-tock sound like an old analog clock. It made me do math for how many questions I had left VS how much time I had left. I couldn't do any of the math I studied for, no ARO or SLE or EF just plain ol' math. I had to convert the minutes into hours and then I thought wait why do that. I looked at how many questions I had left and saw that I was gong to run out of time before I answered all of my questions (yes I know that is a bit sad given you have 6 hours to take the test). So I had to change my method to catch up to the clock. I had to refocus and spend less than a minute to answer each question to at least finish all of the questions and then starting answering them in less than 45 seconds to try to give myself a 20 minute buffer to go through my flagged stuff. I was able to achieve my 20 minute buffer until I hit the last 10 questions and then my buffer disappeared and panic again set in. I finished my 250th question with 5 minutes left to check out my flagged questions. I flagged about 15 questions and was only able to look at 5 of them. I changed 2 answers and had to hit submit. After you click the button saying you are done reviewing your questions you have to answer the are you positive you want to leave this screen at least 2 more times before you get to the submit button. I ended up finishing the test with a whopping 5 whole seconds left on the clock. I highly advise against baby sitting the clock, but at least keep an eye on your pace of answering questions.
Before I hit the submit button the exam proctor was standing behind me because I had take then entire 6 hours to finish the test. He then stated that I was the only person left from the group of folks that scheduled 8 am exam times. I was like thanks big guy. He was a super nice guy, ex marine who runs a dog rescue for pit bulls. He loves his pit bulls. After getting palm scanned out for the second to last time, the nice pit bull loving marine escorted me down what felt like a mile long and inch wide hallway to the front lobby and check out desk where I would receive my results. As I walked down the hallway I saw that there was only 1 sheet of paper and then proceeded to pre-celebrate in my head but then blurted out a Woo-Hoo. The proctor asked me why I was excited, so I explained to him if you get one sheet of paper after this test that means you passed and if you get two sheets of paper, then that means you failed and one paper will tell you that you didn't do awesome and the other sheet will let you know what you didn't do awesome at. He said I guess that's a good way of explaining it. I grabbed my sheet that said "Congratulation's you provisionally passed the CISSP exam and we will inform you in 2-5 business days after a possible further psychometric and forensic evaluation". I have no idea what that means, but I received one sheet of paper that said Congratulations on it so that's a solid feeling.
Now if you read this far, I'm sorry if you feel like I wasted your time. I am trying to brain dump my day. And I might have dumped all over the fantastic sub-reddit so I am sorry for that. This sub-reddit was extremely helpful and encouraging reading all of the success stories and tips and excitement of passing this exam. Only we can understand what this is like and what it takes to study for and sit through the test.
My final thoughts and tips would be: First and foremost get an amazing nights sleep the night before On your test date eat a great breakfast or solid lunch or you will start to get hangry at the test. I didn't have time to eat breakfast because of traffic. Now speaking of traffic, if you know there is a possibility for traffic on the way to your testing center leave earlier than you planned on leaving. I made it to the testing center 5 minutes before 8am. Took me an hour to go 20 miles (thank you lovely San Diego traffic) Take as many practice questions as possible and figure out your flow and just get use to answering 250 questions in one sitting Grab some snacks to eat when you take a break. I brought a 5 hour energy drink, tigers milk protein chocolate goodness thing and some delightful Dasani water. Schedule your exam date as soon as possible to give you a solid fire under your butt focus mantality PLEASE REMEMBER CLICK THE STINKING ACCEPT BUTTON ON THE NDA WITHIN 5 MINUTES Brain dump onto the dry erase thingy they give you. It will help free up some much needed and required thinking space Figure out a pace that helps you feel confident you will finish in time. I have yet to read anyone not finish the test, but have read people consuming the entire 6 hours like I did. I thought for sure I would finish with enough time left to go back home to take a little snoozer before having to go to work at 3pm. I was actually 30 minutes late to work because I took so long.
What to expect at the Pearson Vue Test Centers: Bring 2 forms of ID, if you're using a credit card or ATM card for the second form of ID make sure you sign the back or they will tell you its not a valid form of ID until you sign it. Be prepared to palm scan each palm twice so be sure you have clean hands or that sucks for the person that scans in after you. You will also have to take a picture, so if you're having a bad hair day or that freshly rolled out of bed look or that random embarrassing gnarly zit on your face that will be in the picture. If you don't care what you look like in the picture then you do you. I didn't care. I threw up the DMV picture smile and then sat down and waited my turn to sit in that special chair before you have to prove you're not a cheater. After you get out of that special chair you will have to empty your pockets, pat your shirt and body from neck to waste (don't lift up your shift, it makes the proctors uncomfortable). Then they make you pat your legs from waste to foot. My proctor dude made me lift my pant leg up so he could see if I was stashing any stuff in the top of my socks. If you wear glasses they make you take them off and set them on a sheet of paper that says "Place your glasses here" so they can inspect them. I think they are checking to see if you have that failed google glasses project stuffed in your glasses. If you look up after you sit down at your exam station you will notice a PTZ camera above you watching your every move.
All joking aside I do appreciate the thoroughness that Pearson Vue takes in ensuring that the security profession is protected by not allowing cheating.
If you've read this far, I apologize again for the lengthy story. Today was an adderall free day so A.D.D is on point.
My work experience is a NOC Engineer for the past 7 years. Focusing on being a data custodian, Access control stuff, Data Center baby sitter (or physical access control stuffs thrown in there). I do a lot of powershell scripting and python. Honestly if I can pass this exam then any one can pass this exam. If you read all the way to the bottom of this post you can for sure pass this exam.
I hope you enjoyed my lengthy story and the advice or study material info thrown in there. Hopefully this lengthy story was slightly entertaining and a nice metal break from studying or at the very least give your more confidence because someone like me passed this exam. This subreddit is a great place for tips and encouragement from reading the success stories of the folks who pass this exam. This exam is an accomplishment for sure Remember think like a manager and not a fix everything person.
Good luck to all you fine folks out there....
-Nick- Almost CISSP

Context: 20-year old college student. Over the summer last year I saw a psychologist who determined that I likely have ADHD-PI, along with moderate Social Anxiety and a touch of Depression (the last probably stemming from the first). Still working on medication (currently 30 mg XR D-Amphetamine salt (Adderall) and 30mg DR Duloxetine (Cymbalta), both once daily) with my PCP/some form of CBT with a counselor at the college (who initially suspected ADHD, actually, and I saw the psychologist for confirmation).
This last winter break I faced a quandary - I'm a Mechanical Engineering major, and with that comes the fact that not only is a lot of mathematics required, but the vast majority of classes related to my major are gated behind them. Last year I took Calculus II twice - receiving a D (which is not a grade that allows you to advance) the first time and withdrawing the second time (but continuing, with the professor's grace, to attend classes).
In the fall, I also took a class in Geology, which I wound up enjoying and doing extremely well in, with the professor even saying that if I were a Geology student she'd get me a voucher to get into the next class up (which was full) and possibly even offer me a TA position for the labs of the class.
Thus, the quandary - do I stick with ME, even though I have had demonstrable issues with even the mid level of the math required (even though I've seen further, actual engineering coursework and it didn't seem too bad on the surface), or change my major, quite possibly to Geoscience (there's one or two others I'd consider - all sciences).
I won't lie, I wound up choosing what to do this semester kinda at the last minute. In fact, I quite literally registered the evening before classes started. I am taking one class this semester, and that's it - not working, not doing anything that could add on stress and time issues, just the one class. Calculus II, for the third, and final, time. Whatever happens this semester, I am done with this class - which actually feels quite liberating. If I do well, great - I can try and carry on as a ME student. If I don't, so what? There's other things I can do, I'm not married to engineering. I'm doing everything I can, trying to give myself every advantage - even gone to ODS (why I haven't before... probably some perverse pride) to get accommodations for my known issues.
But I'm also going to try my absolute best not to feel disappointed in myself if I still end up stumbling, or even doing so poorly that I withdraw. I know that I'm giving it my absolute best shot now. I have so much support behind me, from my family to the faculty I interact with (even the professor is doing his best to be helpful, thank god). If I can't do it under these circumstances, there's no reason to be ashamed of myself, because it's not a matter of 'just try harder', especially not now.
(Doesn't mean there won't be that niggling voice in the back of my mind saying I just wasted time typing a long ramble on Reddit that no-one will care about instead of doing integral by parts homework, but fuck. that. voice. - this was kinda therapeutic to write.)
TL;DR - it's in the title.

I am 19, I have a job and I live with my mom so I can help support her and help out with bills since she is on disability. So my mom is an admin on this facebook page about dogs, mom is friends with the owner of the page and they talk and all that. So they are friends. So one night I get off work and I drive home and my mom is on the phone with this chick and has her on speaker phone, Sarah is the friend. So im listening to Sarah talking to my mom and she is talking about how she has been having seizures and she lost her job and lost her apartment and now she is staying at a friends house who abuses her and her dog and all this stuff and basicly we decided to let her move in till she was able to get on disability and get a voucher for a new house that she will be assisted with on paying rent. So she moves in, everything is fine, she is respectable, Sarah and my mom stay up and talk and have a couple beers and relax sometimes. Everything was fine.... for about 3 weeks. She got comfortable. I am prescribed Adderall for ADHD. I count how many I have everynight before I go to bed. One night I counted, I have 12. I wake up and my mom is in my room with the pill bottle in her hand and empty capsules and the pill bottle is all torn apart and basically it looked like a dog had chewed up the pill bottle and the capsules. But I noticed that there was knife marks like someone had stabbed the bottle. And obviously if a dog had eaten the contents inside each capsule the dog would be dead.... but there was no dead dog. So it wasnt me, it wasnt mom, Who else could have done it.... Sarah. So we politely confronted her about it and asked her if she knew anything about it and she immediately got defensive and denied, denied, denied. So yea that happened, so after that happened thats when everything started to like make us pay more attention to her actions, notice for 3 weeks she didnt have a seizure. But she still went to her appointments. But she had a seizure one day and we called 911 and all that. And the doctor was asking her if she was taking all the medications she is supposed to, she said she takes them when she wants and however much she wants. So the doctor was obviously telling her that she is supposed to take the medication by the directions on the bottle not by what she wants and how much she wants. Mind you this chick has been on Xanax for 15 years for anxiety and i guess to help her sleep or something and she was taking keppra for seizures. So after she had a seizure I looked up some stuff and realized that withdraws from Xanax can actually cause seizures if you have a low withdraw threshold. And this happened maybe a month ago when she had a seizure and she hasnt had one since. So its just a hunch, I think she has induced seizures whenever she wants to show someone her "condition" is real and so she gets disability and doesnt have to work. Thats the type of person she is. She also has given 5 people our address to come pick her up to take her somewhere or whatever and each time she invites someone to our house, she doesnt ask for permission, she just does it and the day she moved in 2 months ago, we told her there is to be no one that is allowed on this property other than your dad. But in 2 months time she has given 5 people our address to come pick her up and drop her off, but the 5th person just happened 2 days ago when she invited some random guy to pick her up, and I was home and my mom was at my grandma's and she invites the guy..... IN OUR HOUSE. Like what the fuck, We have told her time and time again, do not give our address to ANYONE. But not only did she give the guy our address without even asking me or calling and asking my mom but she invites the guy in the house.... without any form of permission from me or my mom. And each of the 5 times she has done this we always tell her, do not do it again. its just a HUGE sign of disrespect. But here is the last thing im going to talk about since this post is soooo long. She drinks..... Alot.... I will say she doesnt drink everyday... but when she does..... SHE DOES. You know. So obviously you are not allowed to drink alcohol with all the medication she is on, it can kill you... common sense right? yea she doesnt have common sense or common curticey. But there was a night that she got wasted and she was eating ALOT of food, acting stupid and me and mom just got tired of it. it was happening more and more and it was getting old and we knew it wasnt good for her anyway and it was really bad that she was taking xanax and all this stuff and then drinking but we told her one day there is to be NO MORE DRINKING FOR YOU PERIOD. If you want to drink... go walk to the end of the street, get picked up by a friend there and have fun and dont come home till you are sober... fair enough right? Nope not for her. The 4th person she gave our address too picked her up.. AT our house, took Sarah to a bar and came home a 3 am and got a call the next day from a police officer because she was caught on camera stealing a phone.... ON camera. But that day, we found out that she has been on probation and isnt allowed one sip of alcohol no matter the situation and isnt allowed to be in a place that serves alcohol.... so yea its just gotten out of hand.... me and mom talked to her about the 5th person and how she is to NOT do it again and this time we were like more strict about it i guess idk, but after we said no one else.... the bitch has the nerve to ask if she can have a friend over to dye her hair..... and we obviously said no but then she was coming up with all these solutions to try and convince my mom to say yes? Like no bitch, NO ONE MEANS NO ONE. She has no respect for anything, she has an attitude all the time, she owes my mom money for flooding the toilet, she eats our food all the time without asking us if she can or anything its just gotten out of hand.... can someone please give me some advice..... she is doing all this stuff and there is nothing we can do.... she didnt even get in trouble for the phone she stole because she said she has a disability and does things that she doesnt mean to do.... like omg bitch. I dont know what to do. i need some advice.... i also want to add that if we kick her out she will have beef with us and we dont want a criminal like her knowing where we live what all we have and just dont want her mad at us...because she is a criminal and she has been living like this for years.. and she has really bad friends who are either just as bad as her or worse and if we want her out and end things on a bad note, we want to make sure she doesnt come back for any reason more likely her in jail would be good. but her dog is really sweet and has been abused and moved from place to place because thats what this chick does is go to place to place because she cant keep a house or if she moves in with someone she either moves out or gets kicked out, and this dog is really happy here and as long as Sarah has had this dog and how much they both have a bond with one another, she is unable to properly take care of this dog, and this dog cannot be rehomed because since he has been abused, he has some problems that would prevent him from being able to be adopted. so the safest and best place for this dog to be is here. so its not a simple, oh just kick her out.... it wouldnt end well for us and for the dog. you know?

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2014-05-14
Link to submission (Has self-text)

Questions	Answers
I hope you see this question, I have a bet with my Grandma riding on it. Is there a board off camera that you can see that shows the letters that have already been picked? My guess is no; but she's certain. Thanks! And congratulations.	Yes there is! Grandma wins! And thank you!
How much did ya win? Was it as much fun playing as it looks?	I had a blast! I won a little over 15,000 in cash and prizes. It breaks down to two trips: Hawaii and Costa Rica, a fancy sony camera, and $2300 in cash. I Will also re be $1000 per trip for incidentals.
How is that going to affect your taxes? Will you save any of the cash for the taxes you'll owe on it or will you not owe any? ' edit: nevermind, found the answer. Congrats!	It's a waiting game. May get a check or a bill, depending on if my cash winnings cover the taxes of my trips. Fingers crossed!
My husband and I always wonder about taxes on the trips and prizes. How is that and will it be worth it in the end?	I think its worth it if you can afford the taxes. If you win all cash, the taxes are taken out directly and you need not worry. I won trips, so its definitely something I had to consider.
How exactly do they give you a trip? Did they hand you a stack of different travel vouchers or what? I've always wondered how game shows transfer a trip to someone. It's not like just writing a check.	You call the travel agency and set up a date, and if the date is green-lighted, then you are sent the tickets and the resort is given a heads up.
The car rental age is 21. Basically, if you can drink, you can drive. Edit: If you don't want to drive, there's guided island tours that will run you a few hundred dollars.	Haha fantastic! I thought it was 25 for some reason.
What did you have to do to actually get onto the show?	Sex was not mandatory but I offered anyway.
	Haha, I did a series of auditions. The first time, I saw the wheel mobile was in town and figured I would check it out. At least 300 people showed up and they had you fill out your information. Then a fake Vana and Pat did a series of mini games. They chose the names from a big bingo turning machine, so only maybe 1/20th of the people go to audition.
	If they called your name, you had to scream as if you were actually on the show and give them an interesting fact about yourself that didn't pertain to your love of WOF. I shit you not, almost everyone said "I love WOF, that's about it". I said I did stand-up, told a joke, and three months later I got an email saying I had moved on to audition two.
	That audition involved a camera and a series of mini games. Thy wanted to see how you acted under pressure, how you filmed, if you called letters that made sense, etc. there was also a written test of a bunch of WOF style puzzles. The test was timed, and we were not allowed to see the results. There was then a lunch break and afterwards they called a few names, and those who were called got to stay to play more games.
	Two weeks later I got a letter in the mail saying I had made it! My shoot date could be any time it him the next 18 months and I would get two weeks notice.
	TL;DR I auditioned
What was the joke?	Knock knock.
Who's there?	Awe man, I don't actually have one. I told a joke about a physics teacher, but it will read sillily when written out!
What are Pat and Vana actually like?	We didn't see Pat until the show started, but he was really nice between sets. So personable.
	Vana was amazing! She came to the back room to introduce ourselves. She was wearing a sweat shirt and jeans and said "Just wanted to wish you all luck and show you what I look like normally, without makeup". Gorgeous still, of course. She set everyone at ease.
Do you consider yourself fortunate?	Wheely fortunate.
I just had to say all of you're answers to these questions are witty and amazing and I hope you go far in life :) You seem like a great person.	Mom?
	Haha, thank you so much stranger!
DO THE PRODUCERS TELL ALL THE CONTESTANTS TO BE OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD AND YELL EVERY LETTER?	YES.
I also am from Charlotte, went to Clemson, and now live in Greenville, SC. Wow.	I am pretty sure this makes us best friends?
You are beautiful. Are you single and need someone to take on those trips any chance?	What sweet words cuntlovingwhore. I sure you are a very nice ma'am/sir.
Congrats on the win!	Pat was very nice, but we didn't actually see him until we started playing. What a moment!
What was the behind the scenes like? Is pat a nice guy? Was there any tension between contestants?	As for tensions, not at all. Everyone was really nice. There was some good natured trash-talking but that was it. It's not really you against the others, it's you against the wheel.
What do you do for the breaks?	The breaks are actually really short (about 2-3 minutes). We get given a swig from a little water bottle, fanned if we are sweaty, and have more makeup put on. There are lots of words of encouragement also!
Did you find it harder to stay engaged in the game while on camera?	Not at all actually! It helped that I had no idea where the camera was until near the end of the episode haha. I will say that many of the contestants who also shot their show that day did find it nerve wrecking. Depends on your personality.
Just consider yourself lucky that you weren't the first episode shot that day. (I assume since you were on Wednesday's show your group probably got the golf ball with a 3 on it?) My group taped first when I was on, and I won the first toss-up, so I had to do the first interview of anyone that day, without the luxury of seeing other people go first. I would have done anything to go later in the day. But I didn't embarrass myself, and won the show, so I guess I can't complain. Still, at the time? Nerve-wracking beyond belief.	Oh I bet! I pulled he 2 golf ball! Close though. Congrats on winning!
How hard was the wheel to spin? They all seem to make it out like it's really heavy. Congrats by the way!	It is about 1000 pounds (no exaggeration). It was very heavy and we had to practice spinning it a lot.
Practice? Did they have a practice wheel, or did you just stand around the normal one taking turns?	The normal one taking turns.
How did you decide what to wear?	I basically didn't! So many rules. No dresses, no distracting patterns, no white, no black, no red, nothing too casual, nothing with logos, etc.
When do they tell you to clap? It seems like there's an awful lot of clapping.	Clap when you're breathing seemed to be the only rule.
During filming, was there anything specific that you all had to do to get certain shots, maybe for editing purposes? Watching the episode live, did anything happen out of order or was it all played back as-is?	I am so jealous! I love whose line!
I was a studio audience member for two of the new episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway, and we spent over an hour doing retakes of lead-ins for each game for editing purposes. I'm curious to know if this is true for game shows.	We were just told to smile, nothing fancy.
How did you get on the show? Do you feel you played better live or are you better at guessing at home?	I think I played as well love as I did at home. It helps that I have performance experience so crowds and cameras don't make me nervous.
Why in the world did you pick o instead of a at the end? I asked myself this yesterday and actually get to ask you this today. Congratulations on the win.	I figured A would stand out to me on its own. Whereas O can cause a whole puzzle to be unclear, in my opinion! Should have chosen I though, haha.
O is the statistically most frequent bonus round letter. It was a good choice. You got a little unlucky here. Link to wjspaniel.wordpress.com.	This is awesome! So good to know.
Don't the winners get to play again? I haven't watched WOF in years, but I seem to remember contestants playing up to three nights.	Nope, that is Jeopardy!
A touch screen?	Yup! It is a touch screen. And thanks!
How were Pat and Vana? Any tension? My hubby is convinced they secretly hate each other... Not sure why, too much forced niceties at the end of each ep I guess. Also, congrats!	They seemed to really enjoy each other's company. I think they get along off and on screen pretty well!
Did they check for any kind of performance enhancing drugs? I'm pretty good at Wheel when I watch at home, but I feel like I'd absolutely dominate their shit if I took a bunch of Adderall first.	Haha, they did not! Adder all was fair game I suppose!
I suppose it's fair game adder all.	Haha, whoops!
How much did you win, and how much taxes were taken out?	Still waiting to see about the taxes but I won just over 15,000 cash and prizes.
What do you plan on doing with the spending money?	I didn't win that much spending money, so I am eager to see if I will actually have any or if taxes will destroy my hopes and dreams.
What is your favorite color?	Eh, green or mint I guess.
How did you celebrate winning?	I went to the Hollywood walk of fame and joined he masses trying the glimpse celebrities on the red carpet to the Captain America premier. I saw Scarlett Johansson! Then I drank.
Did you ever have a moment where you were skeptical of whether or not you should accept the invite to the show?	I had he panicking moment that I would not be able to afford the taxes, but my family agreed to help if need be. But I always wanted to be on the show, no doubt about that!
Pat talked about you wanting to be a comedian, what's your plan on that? Also how heavy was the wheel?	I do stand up regularly at night and work during the day. Just trying to get a name for myself out there and then hopefully start getting paid!
	And super heavy.
Can you be in the show if you're SAG-AFTRA? Or did you get a waiver to be on the show?	I had to look this up, but I believe you can! You just must disclose that information.
My basketball coach was on a couple months ago and he won too. Anyway, how hard was it to keep your winning a secret?	You can tell close friends, but if it is posted on social media before the air date, you forfeit all prizes. It's a good motivator so it wasn't as hard as I thought. I did want to tell the world though!
Out of curiosity, did you tell anyone at all? I'd be worried that if I told family or a close friend, they might let it slip somewhere and cost me everything. Plus it would be pretty fun to have such an awesome secret for a little while.	I did! Only people I trusted not to post anything though.
Congrats! What're you going to do on your trips?	Drink!
What was the most dominate thing going through your mind when you actually won the game?	That I would win a minimum of 1000 dollars! That was more than I made in a month at the time so I got to be excited rather than nervous.
Edit: I noticed you play racquetball. If you're ever in central PA, hit me up for a game.	I will let you know! Always up to play a game of racquetball!
How long was it from the time you shot the episode to when it aired?	2 months.
Was pat really drinking the entire time?	If he was, we didn't see and he didn't show it!
Here is a recap of the game. She's Spencer, the blue player. Congratulations, Spencer! You had a tough bonus puzzle. Do you remember anything that was edited out of the episode, like extra wrong letters or maybe a technical difficulty?	Not at all, they put it all in there to my knowledge. And thank you!
Is it possible to "control" the wheel? Like, can you vary how hard you spin to avoid hitting Bankrupt and Lose a Turn?	Not at all! By all appearances, it is "unriggible"
	Not in the least it is far too heavy. You need some strength to get it going.
What did you do to prepare for your appearance on the show? Congrats on the win and hope you have two extremely awesome vacations.	I watched the show regularly and played some online versions of the game. But mostly I just relaxed and tried not to think too much beforehand. It helped me be calm during the game I think!
Thanks for doing this and congratulations on your win. I've always wondered if there is a board of letters showing which have already been called. Is there something like that for contestants?	There is indeed. I wondered this as well but, yup, they become dark once called. And thank you!
Are you allowed to spin the wheel lightly? say if 3 ticks over there was a million dollars, do you have to spin full strength?	Full strength! It is so heavy that it takes moment to get it going probably for exactly this reason haha.
Do they instruct you to specifically enunciate the "N" and "R" letters? People always end up screaming it out. Also, do they also instruct you to hold any prizes you pick up on the wheel to the camera? Contestants always take a second to hold it up and show it off.	Yes on both accounts! Annunciation is really important and if the producers don't think you said it properly, nothing you can do.
What happens off screen during a commercial or something? Does the host actuallly talk you or what? And comgrats on winning.	Makeup and quick water break. The breaks were very short.
You have just taken over the world with your grand military. As the peasants bow down to your highness, what do you declare as your first law for all of humanity to obey?	Gather all the pizza and lagers and give them to me in offering. My word is my law.
Is that a throwaway? How did you become aware of reddit?	I have been lurking for about a year but didn't feel I had anything huge to contribute. I posted a picture of me nod my comedic hero, Emo Phillips, earlier this year and received super negative comments so I said "Welp, enough of that". I was too excited about this not to post though!
Tell me about your standup-comedy or whatever you want to promote ;)	I have just fully jumped into the comedy world but have been dabbling for about a year. Thank you for your interest!
Are you aware of this sub? /standupshots.	I was not, but I subscribed right away.
I LOVE Emo Phillips btw. And his cameo in Adventure Time is the best.	And hurray for female comics! Thank you so much for your encouragement and I hope the same for you!
As a fellow comedy writer with lady parts, all I can tell you is keep your head up. It sounds like you have the right drive and attitude to take you far. Hopefully your WOF clip is what they play on the Tonight Show to embarrass you in 15 years :D.	Long live Mr. Butterfingers.
My fiancé and her mom want me to go on Wheel so badly. I'm always solving the puzzles way before the contestants on TV. With my luck though I'd hit bankrupt constantly. What was your spin strategy? Could you time it at all?	Nope, it really is completely random. My strategy was to solve if there was a prize and choose logical multiples in each puzzle. That's it really.
You joined reddit 2 days ago. Did you know about reddit before? What made you join reddit?	I have lurked on reddit for over year! I had a previous name but deleted it after a few days. People are mean haha. I joined to do the arbitrary gift exchange, there is nothing I like more than making and giving gift baskets. I have many friends who can attest!
Are vowels expensive?	250 dollars! Not so bad.
Are you kind of trained before the show on how hard to spin the wheel? I'm guessing some hot-shot could spin the hell out of that thing and it would take forever to stop!	Not how hard, but how to grip it. Even the most muscular guy there strained a bit to spin it. It's heavy!
How do they select people to be on the show?	It's a full audition process. They want to make sure you are not too camera shy and call logical letters.
Did you have to do a lot of preparation before you were on the show?	Not really. I did download the official app but I finished it in an afternoon so it wasn't much help!
That's awesome. Who names their girl Spencer?	My parents.
Is the stage smaller than it looks on TV?	So much smaller! Smaller than your average middle school gym even.
Is it annoying that the wheel is upside-down for contestants?	It was certainly hard to get used to!
What does Pat Sajak smell like?	Experience
Thanks so much for doing this! Where you ever nervous or were you always confident?	I was not nervous! That sounds like a lie, but I was so excited to be there, and I have performed in front of much larger crowds without getting paid to do so. So I was ready, haha.
How much you pay in taxes?	Not sure yet, won't know until September unfortunately.
Did you purposefully take that picture with the spin sitting on Bankrupt?	Haha no, they positioned me and told me to smile. Didn't even notice!
What do you plan on doing with your life now that you have so much money? Will you continue to work? Will you upgrade your house, or even move to a fancier one?	I only have 2,300 in cash haha. So hopefully it covers taxes on the trips!
I've heard that Pat and Vanna only got hired because they both had big heads, and that looked better in front of the huge screen/wheel. Any validity to the size of those domes?	I have no idea! Interesting theory. We saw Vana's audition tape though. I can't imagine they picked her for any other reason then she is gorgeous and they had good on-screen chemistry.
How long did you have to wait backstage for your episode to be taped? I've heard the most grueling part about being on WOF is that they sometimes tape up to 5 or 6 episodes in one day and those who are taped last end up waiting a ridiculously long amount of time.	About 4 hours total, so not too bad. There were food and drinks and we did a LOT of paperwork.
When and where did you get to watch Vanna's audition? Did you watch the whole show or was it part of some "sizzle reel"?	During our second audition we got to watch really fun bloopers and about 5-8 minutes of her audition.
	My favorite solve "A group of pill pushers!" The answer was a group of well-wishers.
Do you get to practice spinning the wheel before taping the show?	Yes we did! A lot.
Your from NC? meto! Im from Greenville NC!	It lied, I'm originally from NY. Just moved to NC though, woo hoo!
What happens off camera?	The contestants battle in the back. Those who are still breathing get gussied up and get to compete.
What TV shows do you like watching?	I love curb your enthusiasm! My all time fave.
When you travel to be on the show do they cover the expense or is it out of pocket?	All expenses covered with 1000 dollars for any incidentals. Taxes are taken from cash winnings. So in September I will either get a small check or a bill!
Taxed only on the cash winnings only, not the prize values?	Both, unfortunately.
Is the wheel hard to get going?	Not really but it takes a strong push!
Does Pat touch the female contestants inappropriately? I always get the sense he is that kind of guy.	Not at all, he even asks permission of screen to hold your hand during the bonus round!
Are you allowed to opt for a cash payout instead of taking the prizes? Seems like having to pay the taxes on two trips might get costly.	You are not, unfortunately!
How did you sign up for this? I would love to be a contestant on a show!	Just sign up online to be a wheel watchers member and find out when the wheel mobile is coming to your town! I think you can also and in a video audition. Good luck!
Out of your prize money, how much is cash and how much is just the value of the trips you won?	Only 2,300 is in cash. There is an extra 2000 given for incidentals between the two trips, though.
If you don't mind me asking, how much did you win?	$2300 in cash and the rest, $13,601, in prizes!
My aunt actually lives in the same neighborhood as pat sajak & has met him on multiple occasions.	That's cool! He seemed really nice.
~~Can you provide some proof that this is you? A picture of you holding up a piece of paper with your username on it should be sufficient.~~ Verified!	Sure, is this a requirement or something?
Where is it taped? Pat has season tickets to the Washington Capitals.	LA, and thank you for the bonus Pat trivia! TIL haha.
Is the wheel heavy?	Very.
Who was, or will be, the first person to know that you won? EDIT: Other than you or the producers.	My sister, since she was there!
Hey I watched you win last night with my friends! Congratulations! I was saying to my friends last night that I hardly ever see women with the name "Spencer". There's gotta be a cool story behind that. Also I was happy you defeated the blonde and won the vacation she failed to. Awesome job!	Thank you! I heard she gave me the stink eye but I was too pumped to have noticed.
Oh my @ 16:33 that audience member behind her sister started waving and was stopped by the person next to him. cringe	My favorite part of the whole show. I laughed for years.
A little late to the party, but go Tigers!	Cadence count!
Seeing your user, I was really hoping that your name was Anne. Big let down.	Comedispencer wouldn't work as well. Sorry parents screwed me over!
Yesterday was my birthday, all planned. you're welcome.	Ah yes, thank you. Also, happy belated!
I don't have a question, just wanted to say you were great in Cloverfield.	Literally have never had this comparison before!
Welcome to the family! Filmed July of last year, aired on teachers week this season!	Yay! Such an exciting experience
Where did you perform in Charlotte. I want to come see one of your shows!	I perform at the comedy zones in several states! There is always a great group of comedians there. Thanks for supporting live comedy!
I'm glad you beat that blonde, she seemed kind of obnoxious. You seem like a great person :) Have fun on your trips!	She was sweet from our limited conversations. Thank you much friend, really appreciate it!

Last updated: 2014-05-18 18:57 UTC
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