Food stuck in gums pain

My husband is super stressed out recently. He has been pulling regular 12 hour work days, loads of projects, trouble with co workers, and a lot of family drama. It seems like he never smiles anymore. I’m not sure how to make him feel better. I tell him regularly how much I love and appreciate him. I try to keep the house clean and have dinner for him every night. Nothing seems to be help though. He doesn’t take any of his stress out on me or anyone else. But the burden and pain is obvious on his face. He keeps mentioning how he would like to take a mini vacation but we can’t even take a walk in the park without him being stuck to his phone checking his email and getting frustrated at how he is falling behind on his work. I’m not sure what to do? Any advice?

everyone I just want to vent about something
I am 16 years old and after a very toxic relationship I soon became very depressed it was a very serious depressive episode I would say I was in my bed just rotting for all of October 2022 is when it started and really that depression took a while to curb and is now back from my arthritis symptoms. I had completely lost my appetite and really, I would eat nothing all day. I don’t know how I did it, I had nearly 7 seizures last year.. but I was so extremely depressed from such toxic people who were still trying to crawl back into my life. I’ve almost lost or I have lost 20 pounds in a year from the depression. I was always perfectly fine for my whole life.. I don’t know how to feel this is really hard for me mentally. I feel disabled I feel like my opportunities are reduced. I feel like as if I’m still struggling with the denial. So my parents definitely noticed my weight loss last year but didn’t really do anything to help me like take me to a doctor and I also didn’t advocate for myself as I was in so deep into my depressive episode so I can also blame myself I guess. But that’s what my problem is.. my mother blames me for my arthritis and everyone in my life is denying at the moment I think everyone is in shock as well. I got into an argument with my father a couple days about something petty and I had told him my arthritis has given me a short temper and made me an angrier person, he said you don’t have sh*t and it made me feel very invalidated and angry and I told him the first stage is denial maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words but I know he might just be in denial and hurt as well as my dad so I am not thinking about what he said too much. My symptoms really started Nov 2023 once in the morning I was brushing my hair before school and I felt a very tight pain in my wrist when I had moved my hand a certain direction because my hair is curly and needs a lot of maintenance, I knew this was a big red flag as I had never felt that before. Then the real pain started the joint pain, aching, dullness, burning, tense pain I feel deep in my bones that i know is arthritis 💔 I am so scared and worried for my future . My symptoms were the worst in winter, where my body would hurt all the time in the cold!! I dropped from 115 lb to almost 96-97 now i know I am unhealthy and doing my best to gain it back I am also 5’1. Also, whenever I move in class my body pops so extremely loud.. to have arthritis at this age in the school setting is so incredibly humiliating and confusing and difficult… I always have to crack my knuckles to ease the pressure built in them after I’m done writing, sometimes I feel the worst of all is I’ve lost my beautiful body that people used to compliment me on, I have genetic cystic acne and wear glasses so it really was the only thing that did make me feel good enough which hurts me to say. I wonder when I go to school what people think of me, I’ve even lost my best friend and friend group because I’m not beautiful like them anymore. It sounds stupid but it’s true my hair being very short due to the shrinkage in curly hair does make me look a bit ugly I have short hair now but it’s growing as i try to gain weight.. how i feel is what is the point of life if I am always suffering 💔 and why me💔 my parents can’t afford even clothes and food for me now they have to buy me medicine i don’t even think they are taking me seriously unfortunately… as the oldest daughter in an immigrant household they always expected me to know how to raise myself and now when i need them they aren’t here😔 it’s hard to write in class and even stay awake, i was always a sleepy person but arthritis is a different.. exhaustion. I feel as if there’s nothing to live for, I am emotionally drained and numbed I almost feel like I’m losing it sometimes. I wish we had a support group for very young people dealing with arthritis because I feel like my life is robbed from me but i only have myself to blame I guess 💔😔

Hiya
I have a 10month chi, she's very friendly and sweet temperament wise. I also have two kids and a push over partner, he's definitely more of the dog person but no boundaries 😮‍💨
I have a few issues I'd appreciate some advice/input on how to train her, as yesterday she escaped the house and ran in front of a car. She is SO lucky it didn't hit her. I spent 15 minutes trying to find her, and that's only because she found a dog walker who grabbed her 😮‍💨
• Doesn't eat unless it's chicken. She will starve herself for days, and then only eat chicken. Vets given advice about no longer changing her pet food in attempts to find ones she likes Previously within a week, if she even ate it, she will reject again and honestly she didn't eat much to begin with. So now it gets put out, if she doesn't eat it within 5 minutes, it's taken away. Then she waits until dinner. It's sort of solved the problem, she's at least eating half of a meal a day.
• Pees everywhere. I've had to throw out a large family rug. She's destroyed my wooden floor. Doesn't like to use puppy mats. She will go outside in the morning now, but that's only recent Banned from unsupervised upstairs as she will pee and poop everywhere. She's also pooped on the kids and my beds before; I've warned my eldest (he adores her) that he can clean it up if she does it on his again, since he wants her on his bed. It's either the kitchen wood floor (which is now all black/dark brown under the table, I wish she would use puppy mats) or living room rug.
• No call back or commands. She just about knows SIT when it suits her. She does know her name. She knows no but doesn't always listen to it, again, unless it suits her. She also knows when she's been naughty as she legs it from me to her bed 🙄 I really need this sorted, she is so fast and regularly escapes. She has a collar with name and number and address etc; but I can't run after her and she will eventually get eaten by another dog (lots of big dogs around here, I've had to lift her before! They must think she's a bunny!) or worse, if this continues.
• Eats everything on the carpet. When she does have a scrap of food, she takes it into the living room onto the carpet. At best she eats on the floor next to her bowl. I've found if i put her food outside, she eats out the bowl itself. But honestly I cannot keep cleaning my carpet of dog food as she smears it in 😭 I'm looking at another stair gate to sadly confine her to the kitchen, now.
• Jumping and biting. I get she's a puppy. But she jumps and bites my kids faces. I'm pregnant ATM and will be due soon, I don't want her accidently hurting the newborn. I don't want to end up having to get rid of her, I want to train it out of her. She doesn't always bite soft, too, she's drawn blood with myself and my youngest child. Unfortunately 🙄 my eldest and partner (and guests, sigh) find it endearing and tell me "she's just playing", and I'm trying to explain if she mauls a neighbour's kids face by accident or their child or my baby, they will soon change their tune! I had a friend in school, who's nose literally has this massive scar where her dog as a puppy, got carried away. The dog was re-homed and she has a permanent fear of dogs.
• Licking - this is just me. I hate licky dogs. We have had several dogs when I was a kid and none like this. She gets carried away and has stuck her tongue up the nose of the lot of them; she doesn't get that chance with me as I put my hand on her head but she still tries.. Kids adore it. Partner adores it 🙄 Anyway to stop her doing it? At least for me 😮‍💨
• When on a lead, there is absolutely no listening skills. She does what she wants. You can say "heel" and stop all you want, she will strangle herself silly.
• Jumping on sofa and stealing pillows, humping pillows, using sofa to launch herself onto living room table to steal food. Also uses sofa to launch into (already set up) baby cot - this certainly has to stop! I put it out already to train her "no" like I used to do with our cat. Our cats old now so he is already trained up in forbidden places etc.
😮‍💨 I've never had this issue with any dogs we had since I was a child/friends puppies. I appreciate I don't have as much time to dedicate, and will be going on maternity leave so I want to be dealing with as much of it as I can before/when baby is here.
Sorry it's so long 😮‍💨 I am just tired and it doesn't help my partner and eldest, she goes straight to them when she's naughty/not getting her way, and then I have to tell them off, too. I'm not daft, I know it's because they give in 🙄
Thank you 🙏

I'm so fucking sick of taking 1-3 hours to fall asleep (yes THREE HOURS) each night and then waking up long before I get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Whereas I know that many other people fall asleep and for a long time uninterrupted much much faster, like my dad who will be snoring in less than 5 mins. No I don't have any diagnosed sleep disorders, my body in particular is just fucking retarded. Just wound up with this sorry excuse for a body how unfortunate oh well
Tonight I made it a point to sleep extra early, at 11pm, when I had been sleeping at 1-3am for a while before. I took a warm shower, then immediately went to bed without looking at any screens (even if I did, both my phone and computer are perpetually on night mode anyway). I also don't drink alcohol or abuse any substances, basically I should be in good condition to have restful sleep most nights. Well guess what? I actually did fall asleep relatively quickly, probably in under an hour, but my retard fuck body ruins what would be a productive sleep by waking up at 2am and it's been an hour of lying in the dark trying every USELESS fucking sleep help technique i know of (counting backwards from 500, thinking of words for each letter of the alphabet, relaxing muscles one by one... all strategies that seem to work for other people having trouble sleeping but OF COURSE NOT ME), so I give up and I'm here ranting about how much I want to inflict suffering on my own useless noncooperative pussy of a body. Daytime tomorrow I'm probably going to be tired as shit and only THEN I'll fall asleep easily........ hmmmm i wonder why? fucking retard
It's like you don't want to work with me you fucking sorry piece of meat. I work out on most days and stuff food down my body, wayyy more calories than my natural bitch body's appetite, both healthy things that would be expected to help sleep, but then this shit happens? Is this shit youre pulling on me your way of getting revenge on me for putting you through this (exercising and eating like a healthy person)? I'm doing this for you and our health you fucking ingrate.
I also have diarrhea rn, have had it for a few days, I don't even know how the fuck that happens considering that my day to day diet (which is pretty healthy as far as I can tell; good macronutrients, calorie surplus to gain weight, and good amount of water) barely fluctuates. In theory 1L of milk every day may in theory result in the shits, but I have been drinking the same amount of milk everyday for months without any problems (I know it's the same because I buy those 3-pack bags of milk from the store and go through 1 bag/day). And if it turns out im lactose intolerant? Oh well just another entry in my body's massive catalogue of faults, no surprise there.
Speaking of eating, also such a fucking pussy in that regard. Tonight 2am woke up with extreme hunger pangs even though I finished eating, meeting my daily calorie/protein goal right before bed (and lying down or taking a shower soon after eating is apparently bad for you, wow very cool! fucking retarded human body requires so much shit and then refuses to work even when those requirements are met) so im here typing this as i eat goldfish crackers. I spend a disgusting amount of time cooking, shopping and calorie counting (which is fine) but also a disgusting amount of time EATING because my body is, again, a fucking pussy. I am probably one of the slowest eaters I know period, I could probably literally be starving and still take 30min to finish 500cal worth of rice. And the constant gagging that always seems to happen in the latter half of any meal, shut the fuck up and down it you useless sack of shit.
Ok now lets talk about the gym. Weak ass pathetic fucking body, of course i am small and skinny by default because my genetics said fuck you and im stuck with this. I've been training on and off for almost 2 years now yet some people who have literally never touched a weight or counted a single calorie in their life can probably lift more than me and somehow also progress faster and gain faster if they keep going because woohoo genetics!!!! maybe if you decided to cooperate and sleep like a normal functional body you would be much better off physically? unless you want to be a fucking loser for good, you sorry cunt. Now don't get me wrong, I have improved quite a lot over my training, but... see above
I wish I could dissociate my mind, soul and consciousness from my body, give it a retroactive consciousness of its own, and punish it for all the bitchmade shit its been pulling. Don't want to fall asleep? Well I hope you enjoy being fully awake for the whole night because I'm going to be torturing you medieval style the whole time. Thats what you wanted right? Hahahaha. Want to pussy out like usual and nap during the day? Too bad, you asked for it. Bitchmade eating difficulty? I will shove more food down your gullet than you can handle, lets see how you are after that... or I'll completely starve you instead since you don't want to eat right? Fucking cunt. And weak ass body at the gym? Either I'll make sure you train to failure every time until your very sinews are tearing, or I'll let your muscles atrophy to nothing since thats what you wanted right?
And this is just the physical side of things, not even going to get into the other shit. At least I'm mentally okay I guess, don't have depression or anxiety or anything, so we know those arent causing my somatic problems its just my body being fucking stunted
There is so much more I want to get out but it's 4am now and i'm tired on less than 3 hours of sleep and we all know why. yes, it's so fun how I'm too tired to do anything, yet unable to sleep! so very fun!! worst of both worlds, thanks for nothing fucking disabled body. I'm going to TRY to head back to sleep with zero guarantee of success. good night

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Around 3 am my dog woke me up to take him out. I couldn’t fall back asleep and instead just started crying. I had a long night of my friend going through a breakup with her ex and I wondered why she wanted to stay with someone who treats her so badly. And then I started thinking about all the shit he must’ve been through to need to treat women like this. Then I just started crying about all the people in my life. My brother who is isolated and stuck in my life, my mom who struggles financially, my sister who’s a single mom, my other brother in the military, etc… I just started ruminating on everyone’s potential pain. I know what that pain feels like and it hurts me anytime I think about others going through it. I don’t know if it’s depression, I’ve stopped drinking and smoking weed and started to feel more. But I meditate and go through periods of numbness then a big release of emotions like this. I’ve never felt like that before.

Hey guys. My mom has always been really unwell mentally but It's getting to a point where I feel like I need to start making a plan for her.
I grew up with drug-addicted parents but my mom was the one who stuck it out and stayed with me. She no longer does drugs ( She was mostly just drugged by my dad, But occasionally she did meth herself so she could stay up later and work longer hours) but shes a hoarder. It's weird to say but she "hoarded me" too. She didn't tell any of my family members that we didn't have hot water or access to heating or food for years. CPS came to my house and my aunt took me in when she found out when i turned 14. She gets very angry when I bring it up, even just the hoarding or advice about curbing her spending. She always has. My mom has been evicted at least 4 times, I lost count. She never showered regularly or brushed her teeth regularly or took care of herself regularly at all. It's gotten to the point where her health is so bad that she can no longer hold in her urine very well. She now constantly smells like urine, and leaks urine in her daipers everywhere she sits.
The worst part is that she's a nurse. She takes people's blood on a regular basis. She is completely functional at her job. But when it comes to being around me in person, she almost sounds psychotic. She points out parts of my body that she thinks are cute and funny because they've "developed" so i look "grown". Im 29 years old. She keeps trying to sleep in my bed whenever I visit because she wants to cuddle with me. I'm having to explain with her that i have boundaries that are healthy but she just doesn't understand and she doesn't really care. She just sits and watches TV and pees on herself.
I moved across the country and have lived across the country for about 2 years. She often sounds intelligent over the phone, but when I visit she acts like a sad little puppy. Her car is filled completely to the brim with her hoard. Even walking up the stairs makes her so tired that she makes a big deal out of it. She wants pity really badly from me and whenever I visit I have to pay for everything. She gives me a lot of bullshit reasons why she doesn't have money, but she works more than 40 hours a week. Her rent is only $400 because she lives in a spare room that her friend has. I tell her this doesn't add up and she just gets angry with me and starts talking about how she keeps pissing herself and passing out at her job from period blood loss because her health is deteriorating. The doctor's really struggle to diagnose her because she didn't have a papsmear in over 30 years. (Which I don't believe but they have no idea how to prove it or disprove it)
The thing is my mom is mentally unwell but she does a lot of this to herself, And she acts like she has no idea so I have no idea if she's playing a martyr or if she's actually unwell. My boyfriend says that I have to just let her be her, she acts so sad and pathetic around me, it guilt trips me so badly. And it sucks because my mom is so friendly to everyone so people love her. She even tells me things like " Your number one you can do anything! You're such an amazing person you're better than anyone else in the world!!" At first I used to love the attention but I realized later I think her entire interactions with me are starting to verge on love bombing. And when I'm physically around her she sees me as a source of pity and attention. But she's also peeing on herself now and her health is deteriorating so bad that she can barely climb stairs or walk far distances. Shes only 58. Yet she drinks multiple bottles of Mountain Dew daily. Her mother was severely depressed, wasted away on the couch for years, and died from an anurism at 62.
When do you step in? This is going to sound incredibly harsh but... do your parents have to earn that help? My mom has been mentally ill my entire life so I have no idea what she's supposed to act like. I've never had a normal parent, I don't know where to start I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I already told myself that I would never take care of my father but I have no idea what to do with my mother. She's convinced all my family members to pity her but they would never lend her money. She's just acts so pathetic that people feel sorry for her and I don't really know what to do because she's way stronger and better than that. Every time I tried to talk to her about her retirement she just brings up my dad and how he ruined her life, It's almost like she just doesn't want to move forward and only wants to lean on me. She hypnotized by the television too, Even as a child I noticed that my mom would miss appointments and completely destroy vacations ( There rare ones that we were able to have) by getting stuck just watching tv.
Please help me figure out what I am supposed to do with her. I have to remind her to change her diaper so she doesn't smell like piss when I visit. When I visit her it feels like I'm dealing with a toddler... Do you think her brain is deteriorating? How the hell is she still able to do her job?? This doesn't add up and I feel gas lit I don't know how to feel I don't know what to do....

Hey guys. My mom has always been really unwell mentally but It's getting to a point where I feel like I need to start making a plan for her.
I grew up with drug-addicted parents but my mom was the one who stuck it out and stayed with me. She no longer does drugs ( She was mostly just drugged by my dad, But occasionally she did meth herself so she could stay up later and work longer hours) but shes a hoarder. It's weird to say but she "hoarded me" too. She didn't tell any of my family members that we didn't have hot water or access to heating or food for years. CPS came to my house and my aunt took me in when she found out when i turned 14. She gets very angry when I bring it up, even just the hoarding or advice about curbing her spending. She always has. My mom has been evicted at least 4 times, I lost count. She never showered regularly or brushed her teeth regularly or took care of herself regularly at all. It's gotten to the point where her health is so bad that she can no longer hold in her urine very well. She now constantly smells like urine, and leaks urine in her daipers everywhere she sits.
The worst part is that she's a nurse. She takes people's blood on a regular basis. She is completely functional at her job. But when it comes to being around me in person, she almost sounds psychotic. She points out parts of my body that she thinks are cute and funny because they've "developed" so i look "grown". Im 29 years old. She keeps trying to sleep in my bed whenever I visit because she wants to cuddle with me. I'm having to explain with her that i have boundaries that are healthy but she just doesn't understand and she doesn't really care. She just sits and watches TV and pees on herself.
I moved across the country and have lived across the country for about 2 years. She often sounds intelligent over the phone, but when I visit she acts like a sad little puppy. Her car is filled completely to the brim with her hoard. Even walking up the stairs makes her so tired that she makes a big deal out of it. She wants pity really badly from me and whenever I visit I have to pay for everything. She gives me a lot of bullshit reasons why she doesn't have money, but she works more than 40 hours a week. Her rent is only $400 because she lives in a spare room that her friend has. I tell her this doesn't add up and she just gets angry with me and starts talking about how she keeps pissing herself and passing out at her job from period blood loss because her health is deteriorating. The doctor's really struggle to diagnose her because she didn't have a papsmear in over 30 years. (Which I don't believe but they have no idea how to prove it or disprove it)
The thing is my mom is mentally unwell but she does a lot of this to herself, And she acts like she has no idea so I have no idea if she's playing a martyr or if she's actually unwell. My boyfriend says that I have to just let her be her, she acts so sad and pathetic around me, it guilt trips me so badly. And it sucks because my mom is so friendly to everyone so people love her. She even tells me things like " Your number one you can do anything! You're such an amazing person you're better than anyone else in the world!!" At first I used to love the attention but I realized later I think her entire interactions with me are starting to verge on love bombing. And when I'm physically around her she sees me as a source of pity and attention. But she's also peeing on herself now and her health is deteriorating so bad that she can barely climb stairs or walk far distances. Shes only 58. Yet she drinks multiple bottles of Mountain Dew daily. Her mother was severely depressed, wasted away on the couch for years, and died from an anurism at 62.
When do you step in? This is going to sound incredibly harsh but... do your parents have to earn that help? My mom has been mentally ill my entire life so I have no idea what she's supposed to act like. I've never had a normal parent, I don't know where to start I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I already told myself that I would never take care of my father but I have no idea what to do with my mother. She's convinced all my family members to pity her but they would never lend her money. She's just acts so pathetic that people feel sorry for her and I don't really know what to do because she's way stronger and better than that. Every time I tried to talk to her about her retirement she just brings up my dad and how he ruined her life, It's almost like she just doesn't want to move forward and only wants to lean on me. She hypnotized by the television too, Even as a child I noticed that my mom would miss appointments and completely destroy vacations ( There rare ones that we were able to have) by getting stuck just watching tv.
Please help me figure out what I am supposed to do with her. I have to remind her to change her diaper so she doesn't smell like piss when I visit. When I visit her it feels like I'm dealing with a toddler... Do you think her brain is deteriorating? How the hell is she still able to do her job?? This doesn't add up and I feel gas lit I don't know how to feel I don't know what to do....

(repost) Long post ahead
Hi everyone! I've been working as a VA for a US based ecom for almost 2 years now. At first, the work environment provided for us was really nice despite the fact that pay and benefits aren't really that great. But last year, the micromanaging has really been on a different level and have heard horror stories from co-employees that have been there longer than me that getting a proper pay raise was nearly impossible. Anyway here are some of my gripes and the reasons why I'm really considering on quitting:

• 10 days PTO "awarded" after 1 year, 2 days PTO increase every year after 1st year. Take note, those PTO days are the only ones you can use your whole tenure in the company, so if gagamit ka ng 5 days sa 1st year mo, 7 days PTO ka nalang sa 2nd year mo and the rest of your time sa company except for the 2 PTO increase. Basically, you'd need to work for another 5 years to get 10 days of extra PTO.
• No holidays except christmas and new year
• Time tracker that takes screenshots, wasn't a problem at first but now everytime may 2 consecutive scs or "gap", HR will flag you bakit ganito ganyan
• HR will also flag your unpaid time off or absences if it reaches to 20% per quarter which is a bit unfair naman as we have little to no wiggle room with our PTO policy
• 1 month resignation notice, if you fail to follow this, they will not compensate properly and will withhold pay
• Tracking KPIs using quantitative approach which again is fair, but with our EOD reports, weekly and monthly meetings, plus time tracker--ewan parang I feel like robots lang kami na dapat productive the whole 8 hour shift and required na may numbers kami to show for it, if wala edi hindi ka productive in their eyes
• Almost 2 years na ako with the company pero feeling a bit stuck cause they keep laying off people in my team. Still doing the tasks that I did since day 1 (CS and admin work) on top of higher level managerial tasks while I only got a total of 40% hourly increase in the last year and a half. 40% in hindsight sounds good pero $1.3 lang talaga yan
• Lastly, had a 1 on 1 with a higher up who said that I'm not meeting their expectations when the past 2 years I've increased revenue to basically 1300% the last 2 years and increased the number of brands from 3 initially when I was onboarded to 38 now. Adding also that when I was onboarded there was little to no training/support provided to me. This resulted in me being highly anxious and getting chest pains na because of that incident.

Tl;dr: Working for a company that I initially stayed as work environment was nice and the line of work really suited my skills but has now become really micromanaging and is now starting to affect my mental and physical health. Please give me tips on how I can quit this job immediately.

I thought I would die today by painting the whole bathroom with two household cleaners mixed together and inhaling the gas that's formed as I've done a lot of research abt it. But again, even after an hour of just standing there, desperate for the end of me, I was just in immense pain and stuck in a coughing fit. I immediately unlocked the door and washed everything around myself with water as I realized that its all to no use and gave up for the day. I was in incredible pain until I forced myself to sleep. I'm feeling abit better now and honestly I'm not worried if I possibly affected my lungs or respiratory tract, what I'm really worried about is what I'm gonna try next since none of this works. Dont try convincing me, I'm too far gone into this tbh. Just wanted a place to rant about this. BTW, sorry to all the religious freaks for that title, I'm just mad at him for making me live through everything when I'm suffering all day, but give cancer to literal 5 year olds or unfortunate death towards innocent happy ppl, its not fucking fair.

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Also, John O? You there?

Now that I discovered this community I am pretty confident what is happening to me is all tied back to this lovely little jaw muscle. I see my GP Monday 8am . Hoping for any advice - better details - corrections on my wrong assumptions or statements and ultimately a little reassurance and validation from yall , That what is happening to me right now is all connected and I am not crazy.
10 months ago I had my last 2 upper molars pulled the "ol fashioned" way with the wiggling and the tugging and the ripping and the "Okay now you're going to feel a bit of pressure" followed by the feeling that your jaw is in fact being ripped out of your mouth.
Things started mild 6 months ago intensified around the 3 month mark and now these last 3 weeks I can barely function. I feel the definition of "Malaise" hits perfect. I'm afraid to leave my house the head pain / brain fog has me feeling like I could blackout any second, And the whoosh / vertigo / world spins has me terrified of driving.
So here is what I'm feeling in order of how they hit , everything is on the left side if that matters
Shoulder Blade - Everything is felt along the bottom of the blade.
Jolt of fire and burning on the skin -- A tearing and ripping under the skin on the muscle - Starts to vibrate a tingling fire sensation outward in a semi circle
When I put my tens unit on there the flexing caused pain on the top of shoulder and collarbone.
Always strongest when I lift or carry, random bursts when I'm sitting doing nothing and now even the weight of my phone sends it to 11
Muscles Weakness and Tremors
When the blade pain is bad, I can barely grip anything with my hand, Hands tremble and different arm muscles randomly will twitch and flex.
My jaw is now (2 weeks) shivering / chittering (IDK wtf it is) as if im cold. Digging my fingers into the facial knots will stop it. Always hits when I first get out of bed, then a few times during the day no pattern in the trigger
Eyes/Ears
Couldn't keep my contacts in more than half day , left only felt cloudy hazy blurry - They are brand new lenses and Ive been use the good "eye juice" with no changes. Tried yesterday had to take em out within an hour.
Sharp twinge zap inside the ear - cold trickling sensation down the canal - ends with a punch of pain behind ear on the thick neck tendon
The Whoosh (Is this brain fog? Something else?) Zap / Jolt of electricity on top of my brain but under my skull - The whoosh when i see everything spin a 360 for a second - And ends with me "off kilter' for minutes to hours, As if there is a delay between what my eye sees to when my brain processes. During the spell ill feel "wonky" "Out of body" "tunnelly vision"
The Exploding Head
Its a constant feeling / sensation that my head is filling with sludge.
Forehead & eye have waves of intense dull aches, This part is killing so bad right now, even with NSAIDS it never stops having pressure just relieves it slightly. When it kicks hard and throbs my eyes go really fuzzy and that im going to blackout feeling hits. I have not actually passed or blacked out thank god - my cats would eat me alive in a day -
Jaw/ cheek & gums are twitchy with tightness/fullness and pointy pain shockwaves. The M in the TMJ is a ball of rubberbands and it is so very tender. My face does not appear to have anything swelling outwards from here but poking around in there i find tons of lumps I can break up.. Opening and closing i have full range I think and right now no popping or pains when i do. The area by my ear where the bones connect is so tender, but I dont feel lumps much here. I feel such relief when I hit here with my point tool.
Side of my Neck has small mushy lumps just under the skin and some big daddies deeper in and these ones get stabbyy pains that pulse with my heart.
Back of my neck the bottom half is gravel I can break up pretty easy but I think 3 more come back in their place.
Base of skull I have golf balls burried deep,. They dont throb but when I rub them it is painful but in the best way because I feel such release everywhere else but then they hurt for days. When I rub them to hard and deep oh man sore for days.
All this ends at my upper back and this area is awful. It burns on the surface level 24/7. Icy hot tricks my brain for about and hour. I did some scraping massage here and it sounded like rice krispies and I think hese are adhesions vs knots. .Deeper is full of thick knots, I have the trigger point hook to dig in there and sometimes magic happens and the ache everywhere else gets better for a bit.
The floating bone
It was mild discomfort, odd feelings of tightness inside my actual throat, tingles and a dry feel. It started wiggling around on its own pretty often and when I felt that first water balloon pop inside yikes I was scared AF. Now it just moves whenever it wants. I barely touch it and it "shoots" to the other side. Massaging in here hurts so GOOD! Looking all the way up and feeling from chin towards throat I have many bumps all different sizes. And lastly when I move my head certain ways it feels as if there is a leak happening and almost mucus-y like I could cough but usually dont need to
If you are still with me many apologies this got longer than I thought it would. Today has been my worst day so far, all the pains I mentioned are now hitting at once. Today I was sitting here sobbing in pain it because I was at 13 / 10 and wouldn't ease no matter what I pressed on . 3 Naproxen with 3 ibuprofen gives me about 3 hours of refief right now. I know posture is a part of my pain levels and ive aready ordered some tools so I can correct.

I think I may be neurodivergent, I think it's very likely I have dyscalculia, and I think I may be autistic as well.
I've always had a difficult time making friends, and all of my childhood friends are neurodivergent. I do not have a hard time keeping friends, but I do not know how to start conversations with other people. I'm not very good at keeping conversations with neurotypical people going, and the only thing I've learned to do is ask questions, because if I'm asking questions, the other person is talking, which means I'm not, and that's good. I'm not uncomfortable with eye contact, but I do not know how much or how little I should be giving in a conversation, so I tend to stare at people's eyes when they are talking. I do not feel lonely easily, and enjoy being by myself a lot of the time, which may just be introvert behavior. Sometimes, people call me weird though I do not understand what I am doing wrong to be called that. I do not take offense to it. I also get called quiet, even though I enjoy being around people, and I'm not shy, I don't get that either. I listen to people all the time, especially when my friends infodump. I enjoy talking about my interests, though I have realized that many people are not actually listening to me, so I have stopped doing that as much. It hurts my feelings more to know I wasn't being listened to than to not talk about what I wanted to talk about.
I have a difficult time navigating familiar places. My school's layout is still confusing for me, even though I've been going there for nearly 2 years. Driving is an absolute nightmare for me, and I need a GPS to drive otherwise I will get lost. I get my lefts and rights easily confused, and I get confused with my feet a lot. Dancing is really hard for me because I can never figure out what I'm doing. PE was always unpleasant for me because I hate doing group exercise and I never understood the rules of any game. I would always watch people to figure out what was going on.
Some textures and smells bother me a lot. Lavender has been an overwhelming smell for me my entire life, it gives me a headache. Most fruit's texture upset me. I hate the feeling of biting into a strawberry, and I hate how berries pop in your mouth. I also really hate food with any kind of skin to them. Berries are absolutely awful because of this, beans are also really unpleasant, and so are hotdogs. I've always been a picky eater, and was even underweight until I was about 12 because I hated most foods. Thankfully, I've gotten a lot better about it.
I find most places are too loud, and I get overwhelmed very easily. When I get very overwhelmed, I want to leave the room or cry, but I usually just sit there and plug my ears. I think I need to get ound cancelling headphones. I think the sound level in public is fine most of the time, but when I'm already stressed out, it gets much worse. Also, whenever I'm stressed, I hate the way the water touches me when I shower.
I constantly fidget, and I usually wrap my fingers around my hoodie strings, and I have twisted them to the point where they have broken and I have hurt my wrist. I continue to do this even though it has caused me pain. I have also been rolling up paper into little balls for nearly 3 years now. I fill up glass bottles full of these paper balls, and have filled over 100 glass bottles up. I love rolling up paper, and I do not enjoy ripping up the paper very much. I also own 13 3D printed sensory toys, they are all animals and I take at least 1 with me everywhere I go. I like rubbing my thumb on them a lot. Also, I love background noise and listen to music for that reason, but it needs to be quiet enough that it doesn't bother me.
I get very attached to certain topics, such as Rain World lore or Don Hertzfeldt's work. When I find something I get attached to, I try to consume all the content that I possibly can, multiple times. I have probably seen the second episode of World of Tomorrow 100 times, maybe more. Most of the YouTube content I consume are videos I've already seen. I've rewatched Markiplier's Inside playthrough many times.
Anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope you have a better than mediocre day/night.

I have no one in my life I really feel I want to share this with at the moment but I am in awe of this whole awakening situation and need to talk about it
The whole full on bliss stage is over for me (only got two weeks lol but it’s all good), but what really stuck was this strong feeling of trusting the universe (I don’t like calling it god, that doesn’t feel good to me due to past religious issues).
I decided for me, what mattered at the present moment was approaching everything and everyone with the maximum loving kindness I could muster. And that truly hasn’t been me in the past at all. I’m not saying I haven’t slipped up from time to time but I’ve been doing pretty darn well.
And it’s amazing what work is occurring in my life. All of these loving people from my past are reappearing out of absolutely nowhere like literally moving states away to practically my backyard all in convergence. People I never thought I’d see again are suddenly wanting to see me and inviting me out when I was practically friendless for years and years; I thought they didn’t give a shit. People are coming to me with problems like I am somehow able to help and maybe I am but I feel like a complete newb lol like ignorant af I know nothing. People currently in my life are just showing me so much love. I even feel love from people on Reddit and such. And it’s so easy to love them back like unconditionally. I just want to make people feel loved, even the angry and suffering people, especially them. Who were like me. I love them all. That’s all that matters. It’s obvious we are all one
I’m overwhelmed, I am just crying a lot because I can’t believe something like this is happening to me, it’s so amazing. I know that one day some terribly tragic things could happen and there are actually some sad things going on with some loved ones but the feeling of love is so strong. And my life circumstances aren’t even really that different from what was going on during all the suffering.
I am so joyful that I get to experience awakening and all of this, that I get to be a person that somehow chose this path instead of staying unawake/asleep and staying so miserable. That I get to see the unfiltered reality for what it is, and experience true unconditional love the way it can really be experienced at its best. And that I get to choose to help other people wake up too, that I get to learn how to do that every day and dedicate my life to it if I want to and help others leave suffering behind, too. And especially so grateful to the people who had a hand in waking me up. So much gratitude and love to them every day. I am so fortunate and loved.
I don’t even know exactly HOW I chose it because I feel like it was kind of forced on me except I do know that I chose LOVE when it was really really really scary and hard and painful and against all my instincts. And this feels like a reward, like love really is the answer and there really is a being out there letting me know that morality exists and doing the right thing matters even if it’s just to make life more exciting and amusing and satisfying. And I can choose to do the right thing and be a good person every time and no one can stop me even if pain comes - I have the full knowledge and autonomy to do that forever, at least in this physical form, and I can help people every day if I want, or read interesting things, or just do whatever! Cry if I want, I guess! Nothing can fuck me up! I can figure it out no matter what. It’s all a learning opportunity and I get to be a student for life, just like I always wanted 🥲
I finally have something to be proud of myself for, I did a hard thing instead of just letting life happen to me. And it mattered. And my life is perfect the way it is and I don’t have to do anything different to have a purpose or achieve. It’s all good! Maybe I will never actually be able to tell anyone I know this but it is what it is. I’m free to be a loving and happy person and no one can ever stop me again!

I came out of a psychosis episode today and now I am left with feeling like I am half in my body but not all the way there while my mind has bran fog and a pressure in my forehead. I feel guilty for subscribing to so much new age spirituality and I feel remorseful I ended up getting so lost in the proposed idea of "enlightenment" when in fact it was just spiritual psychosis.
I believed I was highly enlightened and everyone else was stuck in this thing I called a 'grid system' and no matter how much I tried to perceive their humanity, I still went back to this supposed idea of a grid system and 'Matrix' belief...... And I can only surmise I had maybe even FOUND THAT NIRVANA..... That Bodhi Tree.... But was lost in "I AM" instead of "WE ARE"..... Will try to figure this one out, slowly but surely.
This would have been my 2nd MAJOR psychotic break had I not caught it EARLY ON.
A lot of what I am realizing is that life is short, we all eventually die, and perhaps it is not wise to get so involved in organized religion when you have a knack for getting so psychotic, sick, and ill you end up having an external reality breakdown due to all of the seemingly exciting and adventurous sounding things that do arise with this western theology of spirituality.
I kind of already miss my psychosis. And I kind of wish I just took care of myself much better than I did over these past three months of living on my own in a 1`bedroom apartment.
God, that sucked. What sucked the most was having the self awareness early on that I was psychotic and having treatment resistance to a hospital or psych unit. I listened to a heal psychosis subliminal on loop, a brain fog subliminal, remove suicidal thoughts/depression subliminal, had a pagan friend of mine send REAL as well as ACTUAL calm and easing energy, and on top of the subliminals plus food I have eaten - I feel like I am getting better, slowly, but better nonetheless.
I don't know if any of what I am describing right now is a universal thing we all experience after coming out of our psychosis.
But I am fortunate for the pipe bombs I laid down in life's game of misery and insanity only to re-discover that sanity, my own personhood, and now.. To find out who I am, what I want to represent, and where I can go from here.
Thanks. May Creator watch over you all.

More misery bird? More misery bird. Really miserymaxxing with these fics I have going, but hey, this one is not that miserable actually! Krekos is back and ready to be dense and downcast, but maybe not quite miserable? Read and see!
Big thank you to NoP community for being great and supportive of my endeavors!
Also, obviously, big thanks to SpacePaladin15 for creating this universe and allowing fanfiction well to flow free!
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Memory transcription subject: Krekos, Krakotl Refugee
Date [standardized human time]: May 6th, 2137
I stare at the foul creature before me. Normally staring at something directly head on like that would be too predatory for me to do, but after nearly dying of bread yesterday, I didn’t feel patient enough to be gentle. The creature stared right back, though in a much more natural, prey-like way, tilting its head slightly as it looked back at me with one eye and let out a long bwok.
“Are you doing this now? Really?”, I ask, knowing full well it cannot respond.
Well, it can, if another bwok it made is any indication. Of course, translators aren’t yet advanced enough to translate non-sapient speech, but the intention behind sound is intuitively clear. It’s telling me to back off. Well, I tried the diplomatic approach at least.
Raising my wing I begin sliding the bird out of its nest, careful to keep any delicate joints out of its reach. It started clucking in upset indignation, struggling back and even trying to peck at me, but after realizing that I will not relent, it hopped out of the box and rushed out of the cattle house, revealing a single dead egg in the nesting box.
With relief, I finally pick up the last egg and head back to leave them at the house. Turns out that while Reginald didn’t forget to both lock them up yesterday and let them out today, he did neglect feeding them both times, as well as collecting the harvest. So when I was driven back here in early morning, the first thing I did was making sure they were taken care of. I can’t say the horrid birds looked in any way hungry, but the moment I poured the feeding grain for them, they attacked it with more viciousness than I’d expect of an actual predator. And yet only thirteen were present at the feeding, as the one that’s usually the target of flock’s ire remained in the cattle house yet again, Reginald leaving it to it, being unaware of its undesirable habit of trying to hatch dead eggs.
With eggs delivered, I flew my way to my usual spot atop the cattle house and could finally relax. The loner beast first made its way to feast on the scraps of the grain that other birds already all have had their fill of, so I wasn’t too concerned. Instead I tried to reflect on the morning I had so far.
Waking up at the hospital did make me momentarily panic before I remembered the precluding events. Not that I could properly panic, feeling the most starved I’ve been my whole life, and too weak to try flying out of the window. Thankfully, the breakfast they provided was actually well made with krakotl needs in mind, algae soup alongside a few slices of bread, this time without any horrid human ideas like putting eggs in there. Eggs! Turns out they put eggs in some kinds of bread! That’s how I got sick! Eggs! The thought of what I consumed even now made me queasy, and it definitely made breakfast a much less appetizing affair than it would have been without that knowledge, but back then the hunger won over the disgust.
Lena did keep her promise and came to pick me up extra early. Her being a staff member at the hospital gave her some extra privilege, I assume, hence why I was released without any forms needing to be filled out personally. She did have important business today too, which probably explained the earlyness and urgency of her driving me back to her house.
That did not mean I escaped her ire, however. While I couldn’t pinpoint anything to identify the man, as Bob was apparently a common name, that offered me bread, we did come to understanding that he was likely either unaware of the nutritional contents of it, or of extent to which the Cure-induced allergy would be affecting a krakotl. Yet, Lena seemed much angrier at me for failing to take any precautions. Turns out that was the purpose of medicinal injectors, epipens as humans call them, that were provided to me. I was supposed to have them on me in case I accidentally ingested contaminated food. Nobody told me that, I was just handed them back when I first received the necessities at the refugee camp and I had no clue what they were for. Then she also berated me for eating random food from strangers and ignoring bad flavors. Turns out that brioche bread isn’t actually bitter at all, and that was my body reacting to an allergen in it. Reaction that I unwisely elected to ignore, to further ire of my host. By the end, several new rules of my stay here were made, including not eating things I don’t know and always having at least one epipen on me. Thankfully, these rules would be ones I’d start following even without them being established, so I won’t have to concern myself with being kicked out over accidentally breaking them.
As if following the rules will be enough to make them like you.
Trying to distract myself from thoughts of yesterday’s incident, I focused my attention on the flock. All birds accounted for, so at least I knew that my absence did not result in the predator coming to snatch one of them. I do not wish to insult my hosts, but Reginald is far from most attentive people in matters unrelated to his job, and I am not sure the birds were watched at all while I was out. Speaking of, my scannings of surrounding treelines revealed no sign of the predator today. Perhaps it departed to hunt elsewhere, or maybe it ventured too close to a more populated area and exterminators dealt with it.
Actually, did human exterminators work similar to Federation ones? I knew for a fact they had them, although they seemed like a market of private organizations if advertisements are anything to judge by. Still, what methods do they use? I know humans oppose fire, and do not believe in predatory taint, but surely they have measures to protect themselves? They are, by self-admission, far from the best natural predator, and I doubt Earth’s non-sapient predators would just leave humans be. Maybe I should call one of those human exterminator agencies and call them in to deal with that predator? I haven’t told Lena or Reginald about it, as I didn’t want to bother them, but it could pose a serious threat to the cattle, but maybe that’s the way I could resolve it without involving them?
I have not done nearly as much research into human culture and lifestyle as I should have, considering that I’ve lived on Earth for over half a year now, but the sheer width of the topic always overwhelmed me the moment I opened internet search app to the point where I just closed it right away.
And you expect to start studying again with that attitude? You’ll flunk out even from this primitive predator education course.
Extra loud call from the flock made me refocus my attention on them, but it was nothing. Just the loner getting pecked extra hard and lashing out against assailants, causing a small aimless stampede as all the birds ran around in circles, puffing up at one another. The assailants now looked a lot more like victims. I could understand those birds more than I could humans at least. The loner bird is clearly an odd one out. It’s the only one repeatedly trying to hatch unfertilized eggs it lays, and it seems to always avoid the rest of the flock. Humans may deny the existence of Predator Disease, but they can’t deny that prey and predator both can and will sometimes behave in unnatural ways that may threaten the herd's safety. Or pack’s, in case of humans. Birds must know on instinctual level that the loner’s behavior is unnatural and are attempting to combat the Predator Disease on instinctual level. And since that is natural, I still will not interfere in this, unless the loner bird actually becomes a threat to others or will start getting too injured. The first time I attempted to pick one of the birds up was the only time for a good reason, as I have learned their viciousness all too well.
DING-DING
The sudden loud ring startled me enough that I nearly tumbled off the roof. Who would be coming over now? Lena and Reginald have left together and shouldn’t be back until afternoon, and they’d never use the bell. That means someone must be here for them. But wouldn’t they warn anyone to not come over? Especially with their plans for today.
With nobody to answer these questions, I had no choice but to go and discover the answer myself, flying up and over the house, towards the entrance gate. The moment I passed the house roof, I already saw a familiar silhouette. It was the human child from a few days ago.
Thankfully, Lena’s insistence on me carrying an epipen at all times meant I also carried my satchel at all times too, so I didn’t have to go grabbing my holopad, and took it out. But before I could even launch the translator TTS app to type out a greeting, the child was already hopping in place with excitement.
“Mr. Krekos! Hi! I came over to visit!”, she exclaimed, showing off her teeth in an unnerving expression of human joy. I simply tried to avoid that and focused on the pad, typing out my response.
“Hello, Rosie. Why are you here?”
The question was genuine, as the child was not carrying any more of that honey substance from last time.
“I just came over to visit you! Is that okay? Are Mr. and Ms. Vince okay with it?”
Visit... me? Why? While I was confused, I did instinctively type out a reply.
“They did tell me visitors are allowed as long as there’s no trouble when I first moved in.”
And before I could type a followup message asking her why she’s here, she already let out a joyous roar and ran past me.
“Can I see the chickens?”, she asked, and not waiting for an answer, rushed past the house and towards the cattle yard.
“Wait! You’ll scare them!”, I yell after her, but of course without a translator she can’t understand me as she runs like she already knows where to go.
And indeed she has, quickly rushing up to the open field where the birds were grazing. Thankfully she didn’t start chasing them, instead just approaching the flock from a distance and swaying in place, watching them with what I assume was some sort of predatory excitement at the sight of prey. Maybe that’s where the contained hunting instinct of human children showed themselves? In chasing small birds? I was still more subdued, considering she stopped shy of causing a small stampede, but still.
“Grandpa used to take me with him! He helped watch this farm until Mr. and Ms. Vince moved in. I like chickens! I think they’re cute.”, the child told me innocently as she kept swaying and watching as the beasts grazed upon insects of the pasture.
That revelation was... interesting. I suppose it makes sense that between the original owner of this land dying in the bombings and Lena and Reginald moving in, it would be unattended. With nobody to feed and watch over those things, they would be long dead for sure. And it was Rosie’s grandfather... Speaking of. I typed out my words.
“Does your grandfather know you’re here?”
She seemed to get a weird look as she stopped her excited swaying, fiddling with her hands instead. Looks like I asked the correct question.
“...he knows I am out visiting neighbors.”
That did not answer my question. I squinted at the human child, and she dipped her head as she continued.
“...he doesn’t know I’m here specifically. Or that an alien even lives here...”, she explained, her tone suddenly more sullen.
I couldn’t help but squint at that, and it appears that my expression was readable enough that even a human could see the suspicion, as she continued.
“I’m sorry... But if I told grandpa, he’d tell me I’m forbidden from talking to you, like he forbade me from talking to hedgehog people in town... But I want to talk to you! You’re nice and you’re a space bird!”
The child was actually working around the rules established by her guardian to come see me. I don’t know if I should be glad or concerned. Clearly, the man is anti-alien in his opinions, and I’d rather that kind of man not know about how close he lives to one. At the same time, I’d rather not encourage a child for lying to their guardian in order to meet a stranger they know they aren’t allowed to interact with... So I just took the middle path with my next message.
“I see. What did you want to talk to me about then?”, TTS speaks for me.
Her stiffened body language disappears, replaced again with earlier excitement.
“I wanna know more about space! And aliens! It’s all so cool but grandpa says it’s all dangerous because mom and dad died. But it’s not! The hedgehog people were nice, and you’re nice too!”
I wasn’t sure about that logic, but my self-preservation told me I shouldn’t try convincing her to go confessing. Instead I focused more on her chosen topic.
“I am not sure I am the best person to ask about space. I am not a scientist or traveler.”
“But you’re from there! You know way more than me. I don’t even know what you are called. And there’s gotta be cool things out in space!”
I let out a sigh. I suppose it’s childlike curiosity at its finest. So unfamiliar with mundane that it is a wonder. I remember being like that about becoming a doctor.
And then you let your teacher die.
I quickly tapped on the pad.
“Okay, I can answer questions, but I may not know everything.”
The noise that came out of the girl was like a squeal of a panicked dossur as she started hopping and spinning in place.
“Yes! Yes! Thank you, Mr. Krekos!” Sudden movement did cause me to recoil a bit, which in turn caused her to cease her happy flailing and adjust her little dress. “I dunno where to start though... Hm... What are you?”
...for all my trepidation about not knowing answers, I should have anticipated that the questions she asks will be rather age-appropriate and on the same level as we learn in our first school classes. At least I won’t disappoint her then.
“I am from a species called ‘krakotl’. We’re avians, as is obvious. Our home is...” dead, gone, reduced to glass and ash by our own hubris “...was Nishtal. A beautiful planet...”
Thankfully she did not question my hesitant pause. Instead she just nodded along.
“What about the hedgehog people? I already know venlil, but they’re the only ones I know name of.”
Hedgehog people in town she mentioned earlier. The only species I could think of that could be seen there would be the gojid. I have no clue what hedgehogs are, but probably some creature with visible similarity to them.
“They are called ‘gojid’, and they’re from gojid Cradle. Both of our species are... well, used to be known for our might and protecting other species of Federation.”
I am not sure if that’s something to brag about, considering... everything. But I didn’t want this child to get brought down with depressing regrets of our species. Let her know something nicer instead. She clearly lost a lot, but there’s still joy left in her. I wouldn’t want to be the one to ruin that.
“Cool! What about other people? I wanna know more!”
And so I went on, telling her about various species, although I mostly focused on ones in this new human-led union, only mentioning kolshians and farsul beyond that. It’s weird explaining to a child what a tilfish or a harchen looks like, but thankfully my holopad isn’t just a method of communicating with implant-less children. With access to interstellar web, I could easily pull up pictures of various alien species to show to her, even if she struggled to believe that some of them were even sapient purely based off of looks. With how varied species in Federation are, and how some of us admittedly aren’t too far physiologically from our more primal ancestors.
Among other topics, she asked me to tell her interesting things, which I didn’t know much of. I told her about Venlil Prime’s tidally locked status, a rarity among habitable planets, much less homeworlds for species. I told her about the unique architecture of Mileau, designed to accommodate both species of regular size and dossur themselves. I told her about Colia medical academies, some of the most beautiful medical facilities in the galaxy.
I wish I was more well-travelled, but I just wasn’t. My whole life, I never left Nishtal until the extermination fleet took me despite my protests. That may have been what saved my life...
Not that I, of all people, deserved it...
“Hey! Stop that!”
I flinched as I heard the child yell, but quickly realized that it wasn’t directed at me. Instead, Rosie was rushing down towards the chicken flock, breaking up the fight in which the loner was being pecked by a few larger chickens. As the human child approached, the birds stopped their infighting and scattered in different directions, crowing in loud panic and discontent. On instinct, I found myself rushing towards the child, forgetting about translation entirely.
“What are you doing?! Don’t touch them!”
I didn’t want her to hurt the cattle accidentally, and I didn’t want her to get hurt by the angry birds in return. But, it seems like the moment the birds scattered, she was satisfied with her actions and turned back to me, wearing another one of her happy smiles.
“Sorry, Mr. Krekos, I just saw chickens being mean. Bad chickens.” She explained.
I was baffled. Why would she interfere like that? When I tried that back when I was just starting, that got me pecked! But with her, the birds just scattered. What if they pecked her?
I took the pad out again and started typing quickly.
“That was dangerous. Why did you do that? What if they attacked you? Why are you even interfering in their natural dynamics?”, questions flowed out of my pad with an artificial human voice.
The girl simply giggled.
“They’re chickens! They aren’t dangerous. They don’t peck that painful and I’ve been scratched worse before. And I have to stop it because bullying is wrong.”
Then she actually noticed that the one that was being attacked wandered close. She casually approached it from behind, the blind spot and just reached down and grabbed it, picking the bird up. I was ready to rush to help the bird when...
“Mwah! There, all better.”
She did a human ‘kiss’ on the back of the cattle bird’s neck before releasing it, the surprise of it causing it to rush off. I knew what kisses were, I’ve seen enough of them between Lena and Reginald, but I believed they were gestures of intimate affection, not... what was even that?
It seems Rosie noticed my confusion as she explained.
“You gotta kiss it so it heals better! That’s what mom taught me.” The child displayed that smile of hers shamelessly. With how much I was being exposed to it, it almost wasn’t unnerving anymore. Still, it was interesting to learn that kisses are seen as something that helps wounds. I guess some species do have saliva with mild antiseptic properties, wouldn’t be too out there to assume humans are the same. And if that’s the case, maybe that’s how the kissing tradition started? Exchange of protective fluid between lovers?
“I see. I did not know that.” I responded before letting my puffed feathers relax. Okay, this whole ‘watching a human child’ thing is turning out to somehow be even more stressful than I expected at first.
“Wait, Mr. Krekos, what time is it?” She suddenly asked, looking up at the sky.
“It’s nearly twelve.” I respond, holopad having a convenient clock for local time.
“Oh no! I need to be home soon! Was nice seeing you Mr. Krekos gotta go bye!”
Before I had even a chance at typing out an answer or my own goodbye, the child sprinted away and back towards the entrance. I had to take flight just to keep up, and even then she just turned around, waved her arm at me and then kept sprinting down the road after leaving the gate. I simply offered a small wave of a wing back before locking the gate again. I suppose it is hard to keep track of time without a device or clock nearby...
Well, at least I had the usual peace and quiet now. And learned a bit more about the creatures I was in charge of. I should really try to deal with my aversion to looking things up on the human internet...
Just as I was about to head back out towards the yard, I heard a loud car horn, a familiar one, getting my attention. Lena’s car. There they were, signaling me, probably having spotted me at the gate from afar. Deciding to make use of my presence here, and hoping to avoid needing to explain that I had a surprise visitor earlier, I went ahead and opened the large gate, allowing the car to enter.
Once it was parked in the usual space, the doors opened and three people came out. Lena and Reginald were both looking a bit disheveled, but their faces carried these smiles that seemed wider than ever before. And third person... Was a stranger. A human I knew of, but never actually met. As he exited the car, a large bag in one hand, he just stared at me, standing in the front yard...
“...okay, I expected many things when I was told you guys housed a refugee, but not this.”
Oh no. Oh no, he was not one of the ones that was willing to overlook an invader that partook in bombing of his planet being allowed to walk free, of course, Lena and Reginald were the weird ones like that, doesn’t mean their son won’t be... I felt the panic rising as I realized I’d need to return to the camp. Why was I upset about that? This was supposed to just have been a way to make money, but now I have a free education program. Do I need to stay? No, but... Why?! Why do I not want to leave?
“Ken, you said it’s going to be alright no matter what it is, right? Wanted us to keep it a surprise to meet a new friend?” Lena’s voice. She should have told him, that’d give me time to prepare why didn’t they give me time why.
“No, no problems, just, really surprised, that’s all... uh... hey, buddy, you okay? You’re really... trembly.”
He was approaching me, and instinct took over as I recoiled, before stuttering out my answer.
“I-I’m fine...”
...thankfully translators don’t translate voice cracks. I hope, at least...
“Hey, relax... I have no problem with you being a krakotl, I just didn’t think...” He looks over at Lena and Reginald. “Calm down... I can wear my visor if you want?”
Right. Those things humans use to hide their scary faces from us.
“I... I’m good...”
Why would it last? It almost felt good after all.
There was some emotion I struggled to read on the young human’s face, as he sighed and shook his head.
“I screwed this up, I’m sorry. Let... Let me try again.” He straightened out, and adjusted his clothing, before slowly approaching me and giving me a small smile, no teeth showing. “Hello. My name is Kenneth Vince and I'm son of Lena and Reginald Vince. I was told you’re a refugee they took in to help out. It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?”
That... snapped me out of it. Right... He was... not upset at my existence. He was just very surprised that Lena and Reginald weren’t. That’s a reasonable thing to be surprised about, considering I was surprised about it to this day. I tried to compose myself as I responded.
“My name is Krekos. I live here as... hired help with the cattle. It’s... nice to meet you?”
The smile on Kenneth’s face widens, though he still refrains from showing his teeth. Instead, he extends a hand towards me. A handshake is a human gesture that I found far from comfortable, but I didn’t want to give him a reason to change his mind on acceptability of my existence, so I took it with a wingclaw. He gently took it and held for a few seconds before letting go and sighing again, turning to his parents.
“You know, I always thought you guys would be empty nesters, but I never thought it’d be that literal.”
That got all three of them laughing, as I just tilted my head in confusion. I was fairly sure there were no empty nests in the house until after I adjusted the attic room for my own accommodations. Still, I took the laughter as a sign that the tense moment had fully passed and let my ruffled feathers slowly rest.
“Let’s head inside. Krekos, we’re having dinner, you’re welcome to join us.” Reginald said, picking up Kenneth’s bag. I tilted my head a little and he followed up with elaboration. “We will be having meat... But there’s still going to be stuff you can eat too. It’s a celebration, so I prepared a bit of everything.”
“Dad, you shouldn’t have!” Kenneth responded with embarrassment.
“None of that! Our son returned from the war, alive and a hero, and we can have a celebration. Krekos, I know you’re still... uncertain about meat so you don’t—”
“I’ll join.”
Wait, who said that? And why did they say that in my voice?
Wait, that was me. Why did I say that?
“That’s great to hear! I’ve got some nice steamed broccoli and some vegetarian fried rice as sides that you’ll enjoy!” Reginald smiled at me and I felt myself shrinking into my feathers. That the humans didn’t notice at least, proceeding into the house instead.
Well, looks like I signed my warrant. At least my bag and my epipen were on me in case something at the table triggers the allergy again. Would be rather unfortunate to have it happen two days in a row.
And that’s how, in just ten or so minutes, I found myself sitting at the dining perch, while humans took seats in chairs, all consuming chunks of roasted flesh and somehow managing to also stuff pieces of equally roasted plants in, and converse with one another. You wouldn’t be able to tell on first look, but despite their mouths being relatively small, especially for a predator, it seems they compensate for it by having those be near bottomless in both hunger and small talk.
I am not sure how I managed to shift my focus away from them consuming animal matter in front of me, however vat grown it might have been, and onto their conversation instead, but I succeeded. I suppose that was just part of me going native around predators. Soon, I’ll be the one feasting along with them before I know it, and snacking on those epipens to not die of it.
Like you could ever be on the same level as humans.
“So, Fahl? That’s where you were sent after the Battle of Earth?” Lena asked.
“Yeah. From what I heard, we got a light posting compared to guys at Sillis or Mileau. The most I had to deal with was some exterminator insurgents.”
That’s right. Since harchen participated in the Extermination Fleet, they were one of those who were occupied by humans during the war. It makes sense that there was at least some ground resistance.
“Honestly, the worst thing out there was the heat. Not the flamethrower kind, the climate. The place was so damn dry and hot. At least exterminators you could subdue or evade. Not so much with the scorching sun!”
I couldn’t resist a small chuckle at the idea of a predator being more afraid of hot weather than flamethrowers as I slowly pecked at the vegetables on my plate. Thankfully it was set far enough aside from any meat dishes that no contamination should occur, but I was still examining pieces before putting them in my mouth just in case.
Seems like reacting was a mistake though, as that brought Kenneth’s attention onto me. He finished chewing latest piece of flesh and pointed a fork at me.
“So, Krekos... Where are you from? Cradle was my guess, but I do know there were refugees from other places like Sillis too.”
That’s a weird question. Isn’t it kind of to be expected for a krakotl to be from our actual homeworld?”
“I’m from Nishtal.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Kenneth chuckled, tossing a piece of broccoli into his mouth and swallowing before continuing, “I meant, where did you live? I kind of assumed you were born there, but it’s not like Nishtal had a chance to send refugees out, and if they did, this is the last place they’d be.”
Oh... I caught concerned looks of Lena and Reginald, looking between me and Kenneth from both sides. Not only did they not make him aware that I was a krakotl, they also neglected to mention just how I came by my refugee status... Which was just a legal workaround to grant me asylum without unnecessary complications or establishing undesirable precedent. Legally, I may be a refugee, but practically... I am a defector. Lena and Reginald know that, I told them my story before. And while they were weirdly accepting, Kenneth... Fought extermination fleet here on Earth. Personally.
Still, I wasn’t about to lie. It took a few moments and gathering mental strength to steel myself, and averting my eyes, focusing on the plate of warm vegetables in front of me rather than the human’s anticipating stare before I answered.
“I did live on Nishtal. I... I came with the extermination fleet.” I responded, doing my best to avoid looking at him. I did not want to witness his reaction, for some reason the thought of seeing it weighed heavy on my mind.
“Oh.”
The response was simple, and had no followup. There was no more clinking of cutlery against plates, or chewing. The only thing hanging in the air of the kitchen was silence, weighing down on me. It dragged on and on... until it just got so unbearable I couldn’t take it.
“I-I’m full... Thank you for the meal.” I quickly said, hopping off the perch and stepping out of the kitchen, quickly making my way to the yard and taking flight.
Fresh air of the outside and rush of it as I flew up and gained speed... I missed that. I knew it’s not safe to just fly over other people’s territory, so I corrected my course into doing large sweeping circles over the cattle yard and simply let my wings carry me.
Flying away from any danger is the only thing I’m good for anyway. The only thing I ever do.
I closed my eyes. With them closed and not focusing on my angle it feels like I’m actually flying away from all the troubles. Away from humans who barely tolerate my existence, away from gojid who see me as worse than a predator, away from Earth and all its incorrigible customs, away from horrid cattle, away from constant memories...
Flying feels nice. It may be a bit harder than it was home, but it’s still possible. I heard that on Venlil Prime or Mileau it’s much harder. But here? Just an extra flap of wings for every few paces and you’re just fine, free to soar the skies...
Alone. With no one to ever share it with me again.
Slowly I let my eyes open back to the bleak reality. Greenery of surrounding pastures and woods, bright blue skies and farmhouses dotted about here and there greeted me. I lowered my gaze down, focusing on what’s below. There they were, fourteen brown and black dots spread around the enclosed portion of the farm territory. I am not sure how much time I’ve spent flying in circles and trying to forget things but my wings were feeling a tad sore. Then as I just began slow descent, in same circular motion, I noticed that one of the birds, a familiar one, was being chased by several others. Recounting the morning, I tried putting the knowledge to action, and shifted direction of descent, swooping down. To my surprise, that actually worked, as the moment I got close to the ground, the cattle birds all got much louder and scattered in all directions, including the loner. Who, at least this time, got off unharmed. I suppose such pathetic flightless creatures would fear a flying one much more than they would when I just run up to them...
Swooping at them from the sky like a predator to intimidate them into behaving... Like an arxur warden.
With the fight preemptively broken up, I flutter up to the roof of the cattle house, to my usual position and rested my wings. I didn’t see any movement from the direction of the house, so I suppose the family is still busy unpacking. Since Kenneth joined the military just before the Battle of Earth, and Lena and Reginald only moved here after their actual house in city of New York got destroyed, it’d be the first time the human is seeing what is basically his new home. There was a room set aside for him since before I even moved in, and while there is also a guest room... That one did not have a large enough window to fit through, which did not feel comfortable. So when I asked for a space with a bigger window they only had an attic to offer. They seemed uncomfortable letting me live in a tiny room with slanted roof, but I found such space more comforting than I would have a large room with a window not large enough to fit even one fully spread wing through.
I wonder if Kenneth will need as much renovation as I did? The house is built for humans, but he never lived there before. Will he need to buy a more comfortable bed? Getting a proper nesting setup in place of a bed took a bit of effort, but I figured something out. Human sheets were comfortable enough for such, and sitting perches were thankfully not that hard to get thanks to help from the refugee administration. Maybe that’s the things that Lena went to buy yesterday? Kenneth’s preferred room decor?
I looked up to the sky to see the sun beginning to dim. I am not sure if it was me flying that long, or me losing track of time in my thoughts again, but the sun was beginning to set. I began my usual chores, putting out an evening meal and water for the beasts, and while they feasted, ate some myself. I was a bit hungry, having not properly finished lunch and about to skip dinner, but after the earlier conversation, I’d really rather avoid giving them the opportunity to talk to me.
After the birds had their fill, and by that I mean they emptied the tray as they always do, I let out the call, and they started funneling into the cattle house. The lonely straggler being first to go and hop into its nesting box. I bet tomorrow I will have trouble with getting her out of there again...
I took the moment to gather some eggs the birds left over course of the day, and once that was over and all of them were accounted for, I closed it up. When I flew down over to the house, there wasn’t anyone by the back door thankfully, so I just left eggs there, returned the basket, and returned to my room through the window.
Well, at least I didn’t get nearly killed today... That’s nice I guess?
I was about to check my holopad when there was a knock on the door. I approached and opened it to see... Kenneth. Standing in the doorway.
“Uh, hi, Krekos. I just, uh... Wanted to apologize again. I really wish mom and dad told me everything ahead of time... I just want you to know, I have no problems with you whatsoever, yeah? It’s just. Surprising, I guess, to hear all that. I didn’t think there were any defectors from the fleet at all... Just. Uh, please don’t worry about me?” He offered me a small smile, showing his canines before quickly correcting himself and doing a closed-lip one. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories or make you feel unwelcome.”
I had to take a moment to contemplate his words. Was Lena and Reginald’s weirdness hereditary? He almost reminded me of how Reginald talked to me early on, with constant stumbling over the words, as well as constant reassurances that he is fine with me being here. Couple that with failing to avoid predatory mannerisms like eye contact and smiles like Lena tends to and you get this human. But most importantly and least understandably, there was the general fact of him and them just... welcoming me. I couldn’t understand why. I should be one sorry to them.
“N-No, it’s fine... I’m sorry for... intruding on you and your family.”
“No, no, dude, you’re fine! I mean, hell, I was considering entering one of those exchange programs before the bombings happened, and even after, well, I did my best at Fahl to be the perfect friendly soldier just there to make sure no more bombs drop on my home and not kill or conquer anyone. And then mom told me your story, and I can’t believe it... Just... If you have any issues, feel free to tell me. I’m not one of those racist pricks that are too pussy to even call themselves HF anymore because they know they’ll get their teeth knocked. I get that there aren't good or bad species, just people. And you seem like a decent guy if mom and dad’s judgment is to be trusted.” His smile widened, though it was clear from tension on his face that he had to take conscious effort to keep teeth hidden. “So, what I said earlier stands. Friends, right?”
He extends hand forward, for a second time today. I wasn’t sure if I knew this human long enough to call him a friend... Any human really. But it also seems like human definition of ‘friends’ is anyone they’re cordial and peaceful with. Which is weird. You’d think translators would properly use ‘acquaintance’ for that.
Still... We will be living in the same house now. I can’t just say no, and... I can’t come up with a reason to say no. Even him being a predator and a human is not something I could really say I object to, considering how... mundane that became to me over my time here.
So, with naught on my mind but acceptance of the situation, I extended my wing and grasped his hand with my claw. This time he actually gripped it tightly and moved it up and down, as I saw other humans do occasionally.
“Yeah... I guess that’d be for the best.” I responded, shrugging off the hesitation. Fresh start for a third time, I guess?
The human grinned, forgetting to hide his teeth entirely, but I was ready for it somehow and avoided outwardly reacting.
“Cool! Anyway, I’ll try to get some shuteye early, I couldn’t sleep on the overnight flight home. See ya!”
And with that he left. Well... That meeting went well I suppose?
I returned to my nest and picked up my holopad, returning to what I was doing. And there it was, something I awaited every day. A notification that I was messaged on mailing app. Opening the letter revealed the schedule for the study program. Which... only had one day marked on it. And a note that the rest of it will be figured out ‘as we go from there’. So it’s not a schedule, it’s just a mark for the day of the first meeting.
While a bit underwhelming, it was still exciting. It would be an all-alien class so I wouldn’t have to deal with humans’ incomprehensibility nearly as much, and it would allow me to finally return to pursuing what I actually dreamt of. Even if I wasn’t entirely sure that was precisely what I wanted after everything that happened, it was at least something for me to move towards.
...just two days until start. I wonder if there’s some required reading to prepare?
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Hello THT team I love your podcast it's my favorite! I am 25f and live happily with my husband and our 4 furr babies. Me and my husband both work at a bakery together.
So for a few years I've had back pain it never seemed too serious to me just take an advil do some yoga or stretches. A lot of people have back pain. In fall it started to worsen but also my legs I thought maybe I started to have arthritis it runs in my family my mom and grandma got it at around my age. I have a fear of the doctor I went hundreds of times as a kid, mainly for allergies. I went though in October the doctor kinda brushed me off like we'll run a blood test, heres meds, and treated me like I'm young so I'm fine. Blood test came back good. I should have went back to another doctor and I should have signed up for insurance but it seemed too expensive at the time I live tightly paycheck to paycheck. I can't focus on should've and could've though I can't change it. My husband has told me over and over that i should see another doctor out of care but I say i will and procrastinate. I am always very much like the meme with the dog surrounded by fire no matter what I'm just like I'm fine.
Now over the past few months i started to have a harder time walking and the pain worsened. A few days ago I went to the doctor and was told I likely have a spinal injury and need an MRI as soon as possible. 3 years ago I was in a T-bone car accident I was told at ER i was fine just scraped and bruised, i suppose the injury has just now gotten worse. I won't know anything until my scans come back. I could tell the doctor was sugar coating and trying not to concern me but I could see the concern on his face. He strongly recommended i get a cane because I walk unstable now. My mind raced I felt numb I felt stupid like I hadn't taken good enough care of myself, I understand I could loose my ability to walk, I could be paralyzed even if just partially, it could affect my brain, my whole lifes hopes and plans could change so much. After the doctor me and my husband went to pick up my meds and a bit of food at the store. There i was 25 ,walking with a cane tears streaming down my face, people staring at me, trying to process everything. I am so lucky and glad to have my husband he is the best support and comfort.
Over the past 2 days I can't work until I get a more detailed doctors note i called for one but my doctor is off until monday. The first day I spent the whole day on the phone figuring out about insurance ,and talking with work ,and the doctors office, and the imaging place for my MRI. I have an MRI appointment its $930 without insurance. Monday im gonna enroll with a good insurance though. I have been on bed rest just trying not to worsen anything but also trying not to loose my mind I usually am always doing something. I always try to be positive, and find the silver lining, I am a sunshine and rainbows kind of person ;but right now I am very much overwhelmed and honestly sad. Just this year feels so long and its May before this it was already one thing after another. All i can do is take things one step at a time. I just wanted to get things off my chest I guess. Im going to crochet now to try to get things off my mind for now.

I'm just going to vomit all of my thoughts from this past week onto this thread. If this makes zero sense, I'm sorry. Also, this is long. I don't blame you if you don't read it. It's not like I deserve the time of day.
I just can't wait for the school year to be over. I don't dislike school, just everyone in it. Actually, I don't dislike them, i envy them. Thats a better word. I envy them because they dont have to be me. I dont have it hard or anything. Not to them. I try to be nice, i want to be nice. but it feels like my peers don't. they just have a good time using me as a punching bag. at least starting this Friday I'll have a solid 2 months of being able to work on impressing them before I come back. this year and last, I've been a court jester. this next year is my last year at this school before high school. I want to have a good last year. but i would also like to be more social, and that's hard enough.
I honestly don't understand how I've even got this many friends. I don't understand what they gain from being friends with me. If they don't enjoy being friends with me, they'd just tell me, right? I don't think I do them any favors being around them. but i feel annoying around anyone else. I do feel like the worst of my peers. they do all act and look better than me. and I'm not even me during school. I'd be quite the downer if I was. I try to be happy, but it feels forced. being social feels forced and stressful. if I don't know the person, I can legitimately not talk to them. not unless they're a teacher, or they talk to me first. but even if they do, I probably will only talk the bare minimum. I feel uncomfortable just being around anyone in general. I think I feel uncomfortable because I'm lowering other's perspective of them by being near them. Like a dump yard next to a mansion.
It doesn't help that I look roughly 3 years older than I actually am. I've had people tell me I look 16 before. That doesn't look good being surrounded by 12–14-year-olds. I remember specifically last year I was leaving the locker room, and someone said to me "You look like everything bad was made into one person." That stuck with me. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But how can I not? Maybe I should focus more on what I think and less what others think. But I just can't do that. Even right now, I'm going to work on myself so that I fit in more. So that other people are nicer to me. I wish I wasn't fat. I really do. I work on it. I try and remember that if I don't need it to live, I shouldn't eat it. But I've gotten so used to eating when I was bored. When I was sad. As a reward. I would go to the fridge. I would get a haircut, but if it's bad, it's only going to provoke more. I'm getting one as soon as possible once school ends. at least if it's bad, it'll grow back a little by the time school lets back in. Nothing will fit with my face though. It's dumb, fatty, and I think it's one of the worse parts of my body. I've got glasses, though. They help round out my face a bit. I still don't look good, but at least I don't look as bad as I could. I also don't look at good as I could, but that's because I can't keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I should have a doctor sew my mouth shut. Maybe I should put my bed in front of my door so I can't take a break from scrolling to go eat. Managing my calories is hard. It shouldn't be, I'm just stupid. I'm also immature. I swear too much, I have a baby voice, and I always have spit in my mouth. I'm gross. I sweat too much and spit too much. Can I control it? No. but I'm not the victim here. I make everyone else the victim by being there. I'm only there because I'm forced to be there. I'd skip daily if I wasn't. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by going up and talking to them. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by sitting next to them on the bus when its full. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by sharing a class with them. I don't want to be a discomforting person. Maybe isolation would be the best course of action. They'd make a classroom just for me to do online lessons in, alone. Probably an old janitor's closet. But I don't think I would be worth the effort. They'd label me unteachable and let me rot in bed at home.
I don't want to be negative. But I did it to myself, really, why didn't I just choose the good genetics? Why didn't I choose to never hunger? To digest food as fast as I bleed? To not sweat? To mature at the same rate as a normal 13-year-old? To be able to disregard any VERY helpful criticism I get? To smell like a field of roses? To be charming? To be attractive? To be normal?
To be honest, self-care doesn't make much sense to me. I don't deserve care to myself. I am to be treated the same as every other pig in the barn yard. If nobody would see it, what's the point? Genuinely. I need validation from my peers. Not that I've ever gotten it. It's human, right? That doesn't mean I need validation though. I'm lucky, though. They could've kicked my skull in the minute I walked through the door. I wouldn't blame them. Not like I could fight back. I'm about as weak as possible.
And that's what I've always been and will always be. The big, weak, ugly, loser that is to be hated. Because ignoring the abnormal will make them think they deserve to be near the fines. The best. The normal. I pity those that look like me, but not worse than me. Nobody could look worse than me. I don't deserve pity though. I deserve the pain that's come to me. I deserve worse, honestly. I'm lucky.

32F, mother of two diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroid disease in 2000, Levothyroxine 120 mcg, I have been chronically ill since October of last year. All started with the worst episode of thryoiditis I’ve ever had. I couldn’t speak or eat. Swollen lymph nodes appeared all throughout my neck and collar bone area. I lost 30 lbs between October and December. I’m suffering from body aches, chronic fatigue, bruising, hair loss. In February chest pains and heart palpitations began. Holter monitor confirms palpitations, echocardiogram confirmed no abnormalities. By March, 4 lymph nodes did not go down so a neck CT was ordered. Thyroid is heterogenous (we knew that, it always has been) with sub centimeter nodules and multiple borderline prominent cervical lymph nodes, “short interval follow up needed”. Referred to an ENT for Thyroidectomy evaluation. ENT was not convinced my symptoms are stemming from the thyroid, yet the thyroid and everything else is symptomatic of something else. In April, all the blood tests were ran, only labs out of range were MPV and ACE. Both levels were high. ENT then told me my MPV levels were high back in November too when my PCP Ran blood work but it was never disclosed to me. I also went to the gynecologist in April because I was experiencing abnormal bleeding. I had been bleeding for over 20 days by the time I had my appointment (currently I’ve been bleeding for 53 with only 8 days of none bleeding). During the breast exam she felt multiple lumps in both breasts. Sono/mammo were ordered as well as a pelvic ultrasound. Pelvic ultrasound and Pap smear came back clear. I just received my results back from the mammogram and all I was told was that “abnormalities were found, there is an area in your breast that needs to be looked at again in six months”. I also received a phone call and the woman said I’ll need to get more imaging done every size months for the next two years because after they compared my imaging from a previous mammogram from 2019, the density in the problem breast has changed from dense to even more dense. My ENT called and said he’s referring me to a pulmonologist for the elevated ACE level. I asked him why, what does that mean and he said “though we don’t know exactly what is going on, all we can do is follow the bread crumbs, the ACE level was our next clue and it could possibly mean sarcoidosis”. Then he said if I need a referral for a rheumatologist after the pulmonologist then he’ll do that too. Could anyone please tell me if my care team seem to be on the right track? With $6k in medical debt, I’d love nothing more that to spot seeing specialist after specialist if what I have is another chronic condition that I’ll be stuck with suffering from for the rest of my life. I’ve already been chronically ill since I was very young with thyroid disease so even though this has made it worse, it is nothing new to me. I just don’t want to drown in debt AND still feel like shit. And TBH, I’m more concerned about the blood work than the breast but I’m not sure if I should be considering I have to now get 4 mammograms during the next two years. I didn’t even notice the lumps until she had pointed them out to me. Opinions?

Basically, I’m a sucker for books where MC2 has been suffering in silence for a long time and has abandoned all expectations of a better life, but then suddenly MC1 realises what’s happening and devotes themselves fiercely to protecting MC2. I’d like the book to depict all three stages of the situation – starting with MC2 suffering and MC1 being oblivious, then showing the moment where MC1 realises what's happening, then showing the protection/comfort that comes after – but it doesn’t really matter to me what percentage of the book is devoted to which stage. I also don’t mind whether the reader knows about the suffering before MC1 or if they realise it at the same time, and I don’t mind what exactly the suffering consists of (most of the books l’ve read that fit the trope depict some kind of abuse, but it definitely doesn’t have to be that).
Some examples of books l've enjoyed that fit the trope: - Winter’s Orbit, Everina Maxwell – Kiem is a prince arranged to marry Jainan, who’s the widower of Kiem’s cousin Taam and who comes across as very cold and uptight. Eventually, Kiem realises that Taam was abusive, and that Jainan has assumed all marriages are like that and is now just waiting for Kiem to start hurting him. - A Strange and Stubborn Endurance, Foz Meadows – another arranged marriage one, but this time Vel was sexually assaulted by his ex before the marriage and expects it to happen again with his husband, Cae. Cae actually figures it out what’s happening ~30% of the way throunh the book, leaving a lot of time for the comfort side of things. - Orientation, Gregory Ashe – North & Shaw are best friends (and endgame lovers), North is in a physically abusive marriage but explains away the injuries as coming from boxing, eventually Shaw accidentally eavesdrops on him being beaten and is horrified. Interestingly, it takes a long time for Shaw to tell North that he’s figured out what’s happening. Shaw starts off by laying into North’s husband instead. - Prince of Agony, Tavia Lark – Kaz is a prince who releases magic when in pain, and this magic can then be harnessed by the person who inflicted the pain. His parents have whipped him in secret all his life and have taught him that everyone else will hurt him too if they know the truth, so he puts up a very cold front. Lucien is a prisoner at the palace whom Kaz has claimed as a personal slave, ostensibly to humiliate him but actually to protect him from a worse punishment, because he’s a total softie at heart. Lucien finally works out what’s going on and ends up basically defending Kaz from the other side of the power dynamic. - Empty Net, Avon Gale – Laurent is a minor-league hockey player who’s universally hated for acting like a jerk. He gets traded to a rival team as a back-up for their starter goalie, Isaac. Turns out that’s Laurent’s only like that because his father and ex-coach was horrifically abusive, and he’s gotten used to hurting people before they can hurt him. Isaac figures this out when he finds Laurent crying in the team shower with scars all over his back, and by the end of the book, the whole team has rallied together around him. - Two Man Station, Lisa Henry – Gio is a city policeman who used to date another officer on his team, but got him fired before the book starts – he blew the whistle about his ex’s drug use and how it was making him dangerously aggressive during arrests. The version of the story that spread through the police service was that Gio had made up a rumour about his ex to ruin his career, so he’s universally hated. His higher-ups transfer him to a small outback station as a kind of unofficial punishment, and his new partner, Jason, also gives him a very frosty reception. Eventually, Jason becomes the first person to learn not just the true circumstances of the firing, but also that Gio’s ex also used to beat him and that his old colleagues have been harassing him ever since the incident, including refusing to provide him with backup in the field, making anonymous phone calls threatening his niece, and sending unmarked packages containing dog food to his new station. Jason flips into being fiercely defensive of Gio, and it’s a delight to witness. - Watch Me, Sloane Kennedy – Jude is a high-flying businessman who comes across as very uptight and abrasive, but he’s actually just trying to hold down a high-stress job while dealing with severe ADHD and intense fear of failure from his time in foster care. Nikolai is his bodyguard who slowly sees through him and starts looking after him.
My ‘no’s in a book are: poly, incest including stepfamily stuff, BDSM (I can handle someone being tied up during sex or a tiny bit of a dom/sub vibe during sex, but nothing more intense than that), daddy kink, age play, and omegaverse.
Thanks so much everyone, really appreciate you even taking the time to read this far ❤️