It all started with the divorce. I moved into an apartment so close to my old house that you couldn't hear an entire song between the two places. That's because I have three great kids (16, 13, 8) and, yes, in a minute I know you're going to say that they need me, etc. but what they really need is a real father, not one who constantly never has any money and is constantly out of sorts with stress. I'm a freelance writer with an undemanding, intermittent contract role with a prominent employer. This ends at the end of next month. Then there's nothing.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
After I filed for divorce, I decided to file Chapter 13. This immediately rendered it impossible for me to get a car loan after I sold my vehicle due to cash problems. Drained my mom of her money keeping me in my apartment. Went to a treatment center for 5 days after I relapsed after years of sobriety. Lost my job at Chase in 2021. Couldn't afford my meds anymore so I got a DUI (dismissed), but not for drinking -- it was for driving under the influence of mental-health Rx withdrawal (not kidding - it was a thing). P.S. The meds went from $30/mo. to $210/mo. and I have four of them.
I then started dating a wonderful woman/friend. We got engaged. Happiness. Shortly thereafter, I fell out of a truck helping a friend move commercial-grade windows at a construction site because I'm uncoordinated. A freak, cartoonish accident. Shattered my ankle and leg. Lived on a couch for 3 months in excruciating pain.
I get up and try to work nonstop. Anything to get extra money. I barely sleep. I keep trying to move forward but life persists in pulling me back down. Whenever I have good news about something, 4 other problems rise up. I ask everyone what can **I** do to be better, what can **I** do to not be in this doom loop? No one has answers. "Hang in there" counts, I guess. I've cut friends out, as well as family members. I couldn't figure out the unemployment website. I am a black hole for everyone around me. I live by the grace of others and random, brief successes. I mean, **I** have compassion fatigue for me, so I can only imagine what others feel - even you, if you've been reading any of the above.
And guess what? That's not all. There's a lot more I won't detail. It's unreal.
Plus, last week, my fiancee of three years up and left with no explanation. Zero contact for 3 days. And once that shock wore off, I'm here a week later sitting in our empty house alone in the dark.
It's not that I'm sad. I'm done. I apply for thousands (and I mean thousands) of jobs per month. Nothing. Unless you count the time I accepted an elaborate fake job scam where they stole my identity when I gave them my banking info for W-9 info. **I** don't believe this tale of woe, but it's a domino game from hell.
But I'm empty now. I've got nothing left. I don't have the wherewithal, monetarily or for real, to handle this world anymore. I don't look at Columbus the same way, either. It seems darker somehow. It's not meant for me. The outside world seems shadowed more than I remember it being, as if everything out there feels like a greyed-out option on a website. "Unavailable" or "Out of Stock."
I can't afford (or need) to live in this house, even though I've paid rent in full 11 out of 12 months. I now have 12 days to find a new place to live and I don't have options beyond men's shelters or friends' couches for a day or two. This is surreal. She moved some of her stuff out today. How did I get here? I thought I had a place to stay but it fell through a few hours ago. I really don't know how I can ever get back to where I was before the last three years beat me down. And I have tried -- really fucking tried -- to stay on this side of things, but I don't think this world wants me anymore. I've gotten its message. If it's for some sort of life lesson via the universe, this 46-year-old man has learned that once you fall into the system, you're never getting out. I am always, like, $1500 away from being okay for good.
All I wanted was a real job -- not some part-time, bait-and-switch gig that wasn't what I was promised, but forced to accept. All I want is to sleep. All I want is to think of a future that has me in it. All I want is my fiancee to not leave abruptly and permanently, without warning or days of explanation (still waiting for that), and break my kids' hearts. Her leaving isn't even the reason for feeling the way I do -- it only confirms that I am the common denominator and that I am the problem.
What is the point of any of this anymore?
In a few days, it'll be my birthday. I can't see what that looks like.
I know many of you have problems and issues and conditions much worse than my life. But it's not about comparison for me. I've only detailed in writing 20% of what's happened/happening in my life so I could see it in writing. And I'm convinced more than ever there's no way out, no way back.

Kind of a long post, sorry. I (24f) met this girl (24f) online with the hopes of just exploring my sexuality. Before we knew it we talked all day, everyday, and she quickly became the highlight of my day. It’s important to include that she has never been in a relationship. When we first started talking she told me that she had a couple of men that she gets money from (sugar daddies, she’s a Miami girl if that makes sense) and when I inquired more about it she told me that it never progressed past a quick chat or grabbing food with them, since we were not in a relationship I didn’t mind that. I suggested plenty of times that we should just be friends with benefits and play the field but she always assured me that she didn’t want that and how deeply she felt for me. I wasn’t in any rush to put a title on things but she always told me that I was the only one she was “talking” to and of course she was the only one I was talking to as well. About a month later she links up with a guy everyday, all day, in the hotel together, going out, cooking together, for like 4 days straight and we barely talked (she used her location and other things to prove that she wasn’t staying there with him). She tried to assure me that nothing happened with them and it’s just part of the game, according to her they weren’t at the hotel the entire time and he was taking her places to do/buy whatever she wanted, but I sent her a voice audio cutting her off anyway cause clearly she’s playing me. I was super sad about it and one of her friends ended up reaching out to me and you can guess that we ended up back on speaking terms as “friends” this time which quickly led back to us talking and flirting per usual. She explained that she was just being selfish and wasn’t moving with intention since she’s never been in this situation before, that her and the guy never had sex or anything, and that she was sorry, she said she never wanted to lose me and wouldn’t mess up again. (Ik I sound like a clown) Fast forward to a few weeks later, her birthday comes and she tells me that she wants the hotel guy to take her out of town, which makes me distant from her cause wtf, but I don’t mention anything cause it’s her birthday. She sensed the distance so when she asked me about it the day after, I told her I was done allowing her to play with me and clearly that’s her intention. We go back and forth, she begs me not to, but I cut her off anyway. The next week she sends me flowers, food, and sweet things so I call to say thank you and we talked again. After a few days of talking I tell her I wanna either work things out or leave each other alone completely, but to do that I have a list of things I wanna go through, starting with her and the hotel guy messages (because I felt like she was lying). She showed me the messages, which showed that she linked up with him everyday the week before her birthday, although she had previously told me that the last time she had seen him was the hotel situation. I immediately went off on her (she was crying and apologetic still trying to convince me that nothing happened between them), she begged and pleaded, offering to do anything, but I cut her off and blocked her and her friends on everything. Over the next week she texted me from a few texting apps (I ignored them the first 5 days) asking to talk and once we did, she apologized and told me that she never intended to hurt me and doesn’t want me to hate her. She said that she feared not being good enough and overthought about our situation, which led her to do the things she’s used to doing because it’s easy to use men for money with no feelings attached, rather than be vulnerable with her feelings for me and potentially get hurt. We talked for a couple of hours (both expressing our feelings about everything) but I told her that I still want nothing to do with her and ended the conversation. I take accountability for being delusional to think it could ever work, I am a hopelessly romantic lover girl but I am also so hurt that she would lie to me and play so many games. I was open with her, I felt like we had such an intense connection just to find out that she likely had been fucking this guy the entire time. Since she lied about seeing him I feel like everything about her is a lie and it just feels shitty. It’s been 2 weeks since it happened and I cry everyday. I feel like a fool, especially cause I miss her so much and feel so empty.

(TW for SA/Rape(?) + brief sexual talk)
Hello, I’m posting this on a burner account, and this is kind of going to be a really long and depressing post I guess, I’m not going to disclose my name or age (Entire family uses Reddit just playing it safe) but this has been bothering me for a really long time and I just wanna get it off my chest, idk if I’m looking for comfort or advice, I just need to get this out somewhere. (Sorry for any grammatical mistakes or typos made, just ignore those, I don’t have the guts to proofread this.)
I’m FTM, I’ve been masculine ever since I was a kid, to the point where in my elementary classes I was friends with mostly boys and would have girls ask me out. My family basically just figured I was a lesbian or something. I wasn’t allowed to have closed doors with girls over or be alone with them unsupervised, but on my 10th birthday, I had one of my girl friends spending the night. At the time, me and my parents slept in the same room, so they figured it would be fine that she slept in the room with us (my parents were on different beds.) Before we went to sleep, my friend told me that she massages her siblings a lot so if I wake up and she is massaging me its just her like sleepmassaging me or something idk, I just said “Okay.” And went to sleep. I woke up early in the morning, she had one hand up my shirt and another in my pants. She did not know that I had woken up, but I began to slowly try and wriggle away from her hands, and eventually when I think she got nervous that I was waking up she pulled them out and away. I sent her home as soon as possible after acting normal with her all morning. I did not know what was happening, (I was too young at the time and did not realize until a few years later) but I was scared nonetheless. I still have not told my family about this.
On my 11th birthday, I had a different girl friend over. The same thing happened with her, except I was awake and it was about 1 or 2 PM, the door to my room was open, but nobody was inside the house at the time (except for my father but he was out back in the laundry room.) She touched me inappropriately, and then insisted that she strangle me because she had a ‘kink for that’ in her words, I refused, but she slammed me against the wall my bed is propped against and began to choke me, it hurt incredibly bad, and when she quit she tried to convince me to do it back to her, and I put my hand on her throat, but didn’t end up squeezing, I just told her I wouldn’t and put my hand back down. After that, I excused myself from the room to go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes, before composing myself and going outside to my mother who was on the porch. I remember all of this vividly. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, and then said “Mom, can we please send ___ home early? She’s touching me in places I dont like.” My mom said no, and then told me to “Get over it like you always do.” She sent me back to my room. I have not yet told my family what happened in the room.
Present day, I still present as male (My mother knows this now, but we haven’t had an in depth talk about it and my father does not know.) and I think I might be gay, but I want a girlfriend very badly. I feel no attraction to women, but I want to be able to hold hands in public. I want to go on cute dates and kiss in public. I want to feel like a man. At the same time, I only feel passionate about men, I want a boyfriend so badly it hurts, I want to be loved in that way, but I don’t want to live as a trans man. I just want to be a man. I know that is a terrible thing to think. Its not about me seeing trans men as less of a man, its about how other people would perceive me if they found out I was biologically female. They would treat me differently, I know because this has happened before multiple times. I feel so terrible. I know I cannot get into a serious relationship without disclosing this kind of stuff to my partner, I keep trying to justify it to myself, “I plan on getting all of the procedures done, it will be fine then, right?” And stuff along those lines. It isn’t below me to lie about being biologically male, all my friends think I am, and I wont lie about being a better or more moral person than I am, it is just the fear of getting caught that stops me. I’m young, but I frequently think about my sex life. I will never be able to have sex with someone else because I will never be able to tell someone I’m not actually biologically male, even if I get procedures done so that I have a penis (Which I fully intend to do before even dabbling in sex life,) that wont make me a biological male.
Some part of me deep down wants to be friends with those two girls again. They both knew I was a biological female, and they are both straight. I feel like a man. And the worst part is that I would let them do it again if it meant they would see me as a man. I just want to live as a man, I wish I were born a male and I wish I could have a boyfriend and I wish I could be affectionate with him in public. Everytime I think about this, I start sobbing. I have never confided or cried infront of anyone else about this, but it is eating at me. My pillow is stained from my tears and honestly it looks kind of like a shit stain. This is not fair. I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I will never be able to date or have sex. I dont know where to go or what to do.

*CONTAINS SWEARING*
This is gonna be a hefty and most likely triggering post for specific groups of people out there (meaning people who struggle with anger, people who don't want poltical content/opinions etc), so please stop reading and leave if you figure this is gonna be rough for you. This will (mainly) be about the conflict between Palestine and Israel. (and apparently a long one) No hate towards any specific groups of people, but I do have a lot of *frustration regarding behaviours*.
Before I start, I want you to remember some facts about me as you read;
I am autistic
I am heavily influenced by world peace, hate, racism and other unfair situations
I have incredibly high standards for myself that I strive to not break, including, but not limited to, being kind and respectful *always*, despite being in a bad mood, not liking someone, or disagreeing, especially political disagreements
I have always, and will always, stand against widespread hate, racism and other discrimination towards any specific religions, ethnicities, nationalities, cultures, etc.
I also want you to know that I named this throwaway accordingly.
So let's get this shitshow started then, shall we.
As the details of the conflict stands, it is beyond obvious to me that this is racism and, literally, a Holocaust. Not *the* Holocaust, but *a* Holocaust. Oxford Languages has the term defined as a destruction or slaughter on a mass scale, especially caused by fire or nuclear war . I'd say that's very much accurate. Proof to come.
Regardless, this situation has had me very pressed the last almost 8 months, as I know most other people have been too. Without getting too much into the conflict itself, I want to talk a little about what I've seen from the Jewish community.
This is where I advise anyone who struggles with anger especially to leave and try to keep your day positive. If you have a magical potion to stay stable after this, who am I to stop you...
Alright, onto the dreaded part. And yes, I am stalling.
I have never, and I truly mean *never* had any hateful thoughts or opinions about religions (other than Christianity but that's one for another time), and as we are all aware of, The Holocaust had massive effect on the world some 80 years ago. I have always seen Jews as victims due to this, but in recent times I've realised that a lot of them, too, see themselves as victims. The issue is that they aren't the victims right now. They (Israel) aren't defending themselves, they have nothing to defend themselves against. Israel is currently doing the exact same thing as Germany did to them, to Palestine. Sure, maybe at some point who knows when, Palestine *was* the land of Jews, but since then, multiple religions have been thriving together on that land, including Jews. They were never excluded. From what I've understood, there weren't any wars or conflicts going on within the country that didn't happen elsewhere. The issue began when in the late 1940's zionists brutally murdered families to steal their homes. I'm sure the situation was so much more complex than that, but in a nutshell that is basically it. The fact that everyone today have been so desensitized from the travesties happening around the world is depressing and hope-killing. I truly am well on the way to giving up, and at this point in time I'm so angry all the time due to the Middle East's situation.
So a few weeks ago, probably closing in on months at this point, I randomly got a notification from reddit about someone posting on /Jewish. They didn't say anything explicit, so I pressed the notification and I was met with the worst victimization and ignorance I've ever seen. I truly believed most jews would see this for what it is, and not let some racist maniac spoon-feed them propaganda and hate, but I was brutally and humbly proven wrong. They were mocking proPAL parades, hating on news anchors and civilians alike calling this a genocide, insisting that Israel has no other choice, saying "casualties happens in war", convincing each other that zionism is a good thing, and feeling sorry for themselves when friends and families cut contact because they said they supported Israel and saw this as the only solution. Some might have been genuine problems, idk, but for the most part, that subreddit seems to only be about hating the rest of the world because their great grandparents were killed. I know I sound like a complete asshole, but the world isn't antisemetic anymore - they are actively looking for it and then using that one person telling them to stop feeling so sorry for themselves as proof that everybody in the world wants to throw them back in gas chambers.
I commented on my personal once where I mentioned that judaism and zionism are two separate things and got downvoted to oblivion. Someone replied saying that my comment was very much exactly what they too feel, but I got downvoted *simply because* I referred to them as separate entities. That is another criticism they've recieved lately; the pure idea of zionism is on the complete opposite side from what Judaism stands for. I've seen so many of the members there calling Jews protesting against Israel "self-hating" and traitors.
I've also made so many replies that I never sent because I know for a fact they would do anything in their power to ban me from ever using reddit again, and I wouldn't be surprised if I got doxxed and harrassed IRL from it. I saved them all, though. I found that it was kind of therapeutic to get it out, but it still bugs me that I never found a way to say it to them. I once also made a post about my rage for their behaviour connected to this genocide, but I thankfully stopped myself before I posted it. I'm so enraged by their sheer ignorance and hypocritical behaviour, all the while Gaza is still being eradicated and slaughtered, war crimes happening day in-day out, inhumane atrocities by the IOF being posted and hailed, and they have the audacity to say that they are the victims? That Israel has no other choice but martyring tens of thousands of CHILDREN? Starving the entire Gaza Strip, segregating West Bank, literally teaching their young in school to hate and attack arabs? That last one might not be true as I don't speak Hebrew or Arabic, so anyone could've just made up the translation, but I still feel it's worth mentioning in case it actually *is* real.
My point is that the guts they have to claim to be so moral, yet still be so unfaced from what's happening in Gaza is beside me. Sure, for those living near the Gaza wall, I'm positive that hearing bombs and screams were traumatizing as fuck, but to then leave for work the next day and claim that "shit happens"? It's insane! It's inhumane. They can leave whenever they like, children can play football (soccer) in the streets and not having to worry about shit, hotels and restaurants with 5-star ratings thriving, plants and flowers still blooming, absolutely no threats on a daily basis. The fact that people are still calling this a war, something necessary, is beyond devastating to me. There are millions still siding with zionism, claiming there's nothing wrong with the belief that you have an innate right to some dirt simply because your holy book says that thousands of years ago, your religion lived there, and simply because of that religious fact you are rightfully owed thousands of young lives, the death of an entire country with its own culture, just to feed the irrational religious political system? How in God's name has that ever, *IS* that still okay? If Muslims were the ones saying that shit, they would've been completely destroyed by now, today's generation wouldn't know what the fuck Islam was. They are still being slaughtered though, because they're saying it's *not* okay. How is that not racist again?
My brother and I got into a heated argument a few days ago about this. I am very much *for* Palestine to have human rights and to own their own land - he is very much *against* "ugly blackies" having any rights because they're *not* human. Boi when I tell you I got so angry I started crying. And the worst part about that fight? He claims that Jews aren't any better, however they still deserve to defend themselves against children running on the beach. "But Hamas-" is so over-used and outdated by now, it just proves that he doesn't follow up on statistics and evidence. Even if there only were one-sided news (from Gaza), the fact that the ICJ ruled Israel's actions a genocide and war crimes still proves everything he claims to be "n*****'s propaganda". And the fact that he so underminds my autism and *need* for factual evidence before discussing it also goes to show that he genuinely does not care about anything other than the black "terrorists" being eradicated. I said "So you're not just a racist, you're just plain racist?" he just scoffed and looked at me as if I just said the most nonsensical bullshit gibberish ever, practically saying "I'm not gonna say anything, but it really took you that long to realise?" Either that, or he actually didn't comprehend the words coming out of my mouth, like it was a foreign language or something. Because he genuinely does not have a single reason to be racist.
He can't even blame suicide attacks because 1) not all are carried by muslims, and 2) between 1981-2015 around 45,000 were killed by suicide attacks worldwide, where in 2019 the total death toll was only 1,699 more than amount of attacks; whereas in Gaza, between Oct 7 to present there are about 34,000 confirmed palestinian deaths, and assumed around 42,000 with unconfirmed deaths. If, in 36 years, "muslim terrorism" killed about the same amount as Israel has in almost 8 months, how on earth are Arabs the terrorists?
And I've also seen the argument that 30,000 is nothing compared to the total population in Gaza, as if that makes it okay. I will, again, make example of The Holocaust. When 30,000 Jews were martyred, people were already catching on, and this was without the technology we have today.
How have we been allowing this to happen to Palestinians *with* our technology today? Why haven't people been doing more; striking our jobs, cummute chauffeurs striking, proper permanent boycotts, more coverage from news anchors and private people alike? Even if it is to officially reclaim your love for white supremacy, you're still talking about it. Why are people still not reading up on this? Why does millions still not know that this *didn't* begin on October 7th? And why are there still those who claim that the past doesn't matter today? I have so many questions, and if I do get an answer I will only end up with more questions. How hasn't the world stopped over this? Why are people so okay knowing that there are children being intentionally murdered every single day? How can you go to work and talk about Dave's new tie? Or your 6 year old's birthday party with 15 other 6 year olds? Hasn't it crossed your mind that if the roles were reversed, your precious princess would be the one burried under tons of rubble, dying slowly while simontaniously starving, dehydrating, suffocating and crushing, and *knowing* that absolutely no one cares because you're [skin color] and it's normal for your kids to be horrendously massacred? "Oh but the Taliban-ISIS-Al Qaeda" OKAY so what are you gonna do to help save innocent lives and suffering??? How are you gonna contribute to STOP these organizations that have manipulated and murdered to rule their country and are intentionally making the citicens miserable? Are you even aware that your own govurnment is essentially the same fucking thing, just disguised as a well dressed, polite gentleman? Aren't you sick of all those ads on TV showing brown children with flies in their eyes? Or your mama telling you to think about the starving children in Africa? Because I am.
I am so sick and tired of how inhumane humans have come to be. You don't see animals (and I'm trying my best to not mention how humans *are* animals, guess I failed) intentionally kill another animal simply because they're that animal. They kill prey; polar bears kill seals, seals kill penguins, penguins kill fish, fish kill amoebas, and you can get to that result from absolutely everything. What you don't find as a natural event is a golden, brown mane lion attack and kill an albino lion simply because it's albino. You don't see a school of fish swim away from one with two heads, because "*omg Jared is such a freak with his two heads*." So why the FUCK DID WE START DOING THAT? Where did this hunger for power come from? You *will* see a female lion tell the king that enough is enough, and he *will* accept that. I could go on and on for DAYS if I got the chance, but I don't wanna get too off topic here.
I've started a list of all the universally illegal shit Israel has done, and once I'm satisfied with it, I'll make one comparing Israel to Palestine, and then Arabs/Muslims as a whole. I can guarantee that I will still hear "on-sided sources" still, or "You can't trust Wikipedia!" Have you ever tried to edit or create an article on Wikipedia? I have, and I had to confirm that I had a degree or a current valid work ID to prove that I was elgible to speak on the topic. I tried to make a site for myself... Sure, there are more trustworthy sites, but even in a discussion about wether or not being trans is a mental illness, where I quoted and linked all of the most well known official sources like WHO, I was still slapped with "but this shady ass article from a random Deutch website that explicitly says everything I've said, yet still isn't actually saying the same thing because I misquoted and mixed the words to form my own sentence says that it is" when they literally linked a website called "disabled world". I will say though, I agree with that name. Today's world is so non-funtional for neurotypical, hetero, white MEN, it's no fucking wonder everyone else are classified as disabled or whatever. Also, on that disabled topic, if you've made it this far, please don't say "differently abled". A quote unquote quote (heh geddit? cuz it's rephrased and I don't have the book near me rn to directly quote) from Devon Price's "Unmasking Autism" that I really like: "You wouldn't say "a person with Asianness", you'd say "an Asian person"." We are disabled because today's world isn't made for us, and for the most part isn't even accomodated or accessible to us. We are different, yeah, but literally everyone is. We just got that term because we can't do the same things as you (assuming you're neurotypical) without aid. We are able, just not like you. Of course, if an autistic person tells you they prefer "person with autism", listen to them! But most of us embrace it as a part of us because we can't just get rid of it. Autism is what make me me, I wouldn't be me without my autism, so I *am* autistic, for better or for worse. :)
I find it kinda ironic that I started this as a venting about a lot of Jews' hypocritical behaviour, and now ending up on autism. Yaknow, cuz Dr. Asperger during WW2 experimented and tortured autistic people, and found out that some where more alike him than others, which then coined the term Aspergers for the Autistic Community.
Anywho, I feel better now, so thanks for letting me vent a little (a lot). I want to finish off by restating my intro; I have not, and will not tolerate any hate, racism or discrimination towards any religion, ethnicity, nationality, culture etc. This post is not intended as a rant about how aweful jews are, because they're not. I just wanted to air some frustration over their behaviour regarding I/P genocide. This is also not about *all* Jews, but that's the same discussion as "not all men" so I'll leave it at that.
I will delete this account in a week, so if you have any questions, be fast ig. If you find I've mis-phrased, used irrationally insensitive wording or any other complaints that calls for a repost, I will fix it and post an updated version. My DMs will also be available if that should be of interest, but I will not be responding to hate or personal attacks for my opinions. If the issue is my wording, again, tell me and I'll fix it.
At this point I've written so much that I don't remember if I found anything myself that I figured was worth fixing, and I've proof read it so many times that my eyes are crossing and giving me a headache lol
Gosh I'm scared of posting this. I don't want anyone to read this and think I support what A. H. did in 1940 cuz I cannot begin to describe my hatred for that man

"You gotta know that there's an art to it, Ezra," Hitch said, cutting another piece of duct tape.
The sleeves of his weather-beaten coat were shoved all the way up his arms, to stop the fabric from falling over his knuckles while he was working, and goosebumps lined his skin. He was strapping a rubber chicken to the back of his truck, over the lens of the shattered backup camera, with the legs pointing down so that they hung a couple inches above the ground. There were dents in the hood from the crash last week, and scratches along the door from scraping into a curb. The chicken, hopefully, would keep him from breaking anything else.
"You can't go cheap," Hitch said. "The cheap rubber chickens only make noise when pressure lets go. That's no good. As soon as I back up into something, I want this chicken to be screaming like it’s in the depths of hell."
“Sure thing,” I said in a monotone, leaning against the side of the truck.
There were scrambled electronic parts piled in the back of the truck, the innards of a radio, a broken computer, tangled wires, a couple loose pairs of earbuds. He found the parts in alleyways or bummed them off his friends for a couple bucks or stole them from the vacation homes that were left empty for most of the year. Then he sold them for a profit at the scrapyard. Hitch had bounced between minimum-wage jobs for a while after high school, spending a couple months as a bagger at the grocery store or as a seasonal worker at the farm two hours down the highway. He'd never stuck with it. At the very least, the scrapyard got him enough money to eat and occasionally spend a night in a motel when he got tired of sleeping in his car.
Hitch pressed the last piece of tape in place and grinned up at me. "I've got something for you, duck."
The nickname came from when I’d broken my leg as a child and waddled around in a cast until it was healed. I hated it with a burning passion, and I glared at Hitch with the ease of twenty-one years of practice. He had a duck tattoo at the base of his thumb that he’d gotten in a back-alley shop as a teenager. He said that he’d gotten it to remind him of me, and the fact that I hated the nickname was just a bonus. It was shaky-lined, with an uneven face, but he loved it anyway.
The handle stuck when Hitch tried to open the door, a consequence of the rust collecting in the crevices of the car and running down the sides like blood from a cut. The car groaned when the door finally popped open, a metal against metal screech that had me flinching away. Hitch dug through the cluttered fast food containers in the passenger-side footwell, eventually coming up with a crinkly paper bag. He waved away the flies buzzing around the opening of the bag and held it out to me.
The last time Hitch had brought me food, I’d gotten food poisoning because he’d left it out in the midday sun for two days. The donut was squished slightly, and the icing was stuck to the bag. I still ate it, grimacing at the harsh citrus flavor. Taking Hitch’s food was an instinct engraved from the days when Dad had given us a can of kidney beans for dinner and Hitch had drank the juice, leaving the beans for me.
I rarely went hungry anymore, three mostly square meals a day and granola in my pockets just in case, but habits didn’t die easy.
These days, Hitch only brought me food when he wanted my help, like when he saw a place he wanted to hit but was worried about doing it alone.
I got in the car, like I always did.
We drove past the cluster of seafood-themed restaurants with chipped paint decks, the beachfront park where there were always shifty-eyed men sitting under the slide, the single room library where all the books had been water damaged in the flood last year. The change was quick as we drove across Main Street, heading closer to the beach. The roads were freshly paved, the concrete a smooth black except where the sun had already started to pick away at it. The three-story homes lining the sides of the street were crouched on elegant stilts, with space underneath for a car or three. Most of the garages were empty, with the lights off and curtains drawn in the house. Come summer, the streets would be swarming with tourists and vacationers, but until then, most of the buildings nearest to the beach were unoccupied.
Hitch stopped as the sun started to go down at a house that was leaning precariously out towards the beach, tilted ever so slightly, the edge of its foundation buried in the shifting sand of the beach. It certainly looked deserted, with an overgrown yard and blue paint peeling off the door in sheets.
Hitch took his hammer out of the backseat, hoisting it over his shoulder. It was two feet of solid metal with rags wrapped around the head to muffle the sound of the hits. Hitch squared up, bending his knees and holding the hammer like a baseball bat. Before he could swing, though, the door creaked open on its own, the hinges squeaking. The house beyond was dark enough that I could only make out general shapes, glimpsing the curve of a sofa to the left, what was maybe the shimmer of a chandelier on the other side.
Hitch lowered his hammer, looking vaguely disappointed that he didn’t get to use it. “That’s…weird as hell.”
“Maybe the deadbolt broke, maybe they forgot to lock it, it doesn’t matter,” I hissed, checking our surroundings for other people again. “Just hurry up and get inside before someone calls the cops.”
Hitch flicked the lightswitch on the wall, and the lights flickered on. They were dim, buzzing audibly and blinking off occasionally. The walls were plastered with contrasting swatches of wallpaper and splattered with random colors. There was neon orange behind the dining table, a galaxy swirl in the kitchen, and on the ceiling there was a repeating floral pattern covered in nametag stickers. Each of the stickers was filled out with The Erlking. Chandeliers hung in every room, three or four for each, and rubber ducks sat on every table. A miniature carousel sat in the corner along with a towering model rocket.
Sand was heaped on every surface, at least a couple inches everywhere. It was piled in the corners and stuck to the walls, and it covered the floor in a thick blanket. Our hesitant steps into the house left footprints clearly outlined in the sand.
Hitch took a cursory look around and headed immediately for the TV mounted on the wall. “Look out the windows and tell me if anyone is coming.”
I shook the sand out of the blinds and pulled them open, then had to brush sand off of the window before I could see anything.
Hitch was quick, practiced at finding and appropriating the things that were worth taking. He came back to me with an armful of electronics and chandeliers, dumping it at my feet before turning to head deeper into the house again.
There was a thump, somewhere upstairs, and then footsteps, slow and deliberate. Hitch froze at the threshold of the room, then ran for the door with me just ahead of him, sand flying out from under our feet.
My hand was almost brushing the doorknob, close enough that I could see the light from the streetlamp outside streaming in through the cracks in the door. My fingers touched the wood and it gave under my touch, becoming malleable and warm. I yelped, stumbling backwards, and the door started to melt. The paint ran down in thick drops, pooling at the bottom of the door, and the wood warped like metal being welded. The soft edges of the door ran into the walls until there was no sign of an exit ever being there.
“Well, well, well,” said a cultured voice with just an edge of snooty elitism. “What do we have here?”
The man was well over eight feet tall, with long black hair covering his eyes. He was wearing a yellow raincoat with holes cut out of the hood to accommodate the deer antlers jutting upwards from his head. There was sand settled on his shoulders and hovering around his head like a halo.
“Who the fuck are you?” Hitch said, inching towards a window.
He smiled, just a little bit, and his teeth shone in the dim light. “I am the Erlking.”
Hitch nodded, and seemed about to respond. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the window. I could feel sand in the wind roaring against my back as the Erlking growled in anger, the grains scraping harshly against my cheeks.
We were almost to the window when Hitch was ripped away from me, and I came to a startled halt. The sand had formed long grasping arms that pressed Hitch against the floral wallpaper. His wrists were held tight, and as I watched, a sandy hand wrapped around his mouth and forced its way between his teeth. He gagged, and sand trickled out of the corners of his mouth.
The Erlking strolled towards him, not seeming to be in any sort of rush. “You know, I’m not very fond of your yapping.”
He made an idle gesture and the sand wrapped around my ankles, tethering me in place.
“I yap all the time,” Hitch said. “Three-time olympic yapper, that’s me. Best to just let me go now and save yourself some trouble.”
The Erlking tapped a manicured nail against Hitch’s mouth, hard enough to hurt, judging by the way he flinched away. “But why would I ever let you go when I’ve gone to this much trouble to catch you and your sister? It’s so hard, these days, to find people that no one will miss.”
Hitch struggled against the sand, trying to escape and failing. “What do you want with us, then? You just said it, we’re nobody.”
“I’m fae, dear one,” the Erlking said. “I get my power from my followers. And I think that you two will make lovely additions to my flock.”

He flicked Hitch's nose and Hitch gasped. Feathers started to form on his arms, popping out from under his skin in a spray of blood.
Hitch pushed off the wall, using his bound hands as a fulcrum, and his knees crashed into the Erlking’s stomach. The Erlking fell backwards, wheezing, and the sand around my ankles loosened.
Hitch made desperate eye contact with me as feathers shot up his neck and jerked his head towards the window. The message was obvious. Run.
The last thing I saw before crashing out the window and into freedom was Hitch’s body twisting, his arms wrenching into wings and feathers covering every inch of his skin. By the time I landed on the concrete outside, he was a small black bird, held tightly in the Erlking’s hands. The whole building was sinking into the ground, burnished-gold sand piling up over top and streaming from the windows.
Thirty years later, I saw Sam’s Supernatural Consultation and Neutralization written in neat, looping handwriting on a piece of paper taped to the door. The tape was peeling at the corners and the paper was yellowed with age, but there was obviously care put into the sign, in its perfectly centered text and looping floral designs drawn over the edges in gold marker.
I knocked, hesitantly, drawing my woolen coat closer around my shoulders. I’d bought it as a fiftieth birthday gift for myself, and I took comfort in the heavy weight of it over my shoulders.
“Coming!” someone called from within the depths of the office.
There were a couple crashes, and the sound of paper shuffling. Eventually, the door was opened by a young woman with ketchup stains on her shirt and pencils stuck through her hair.
“Hi, I’m Sam, I specialize in supernatural consultation and hunting, how may I help you today?” Sam said, customer-service pep in her voice. She stood in the doorway, solidly blocking entry into the office.
“My name is Ezra, I’m for a consultation. I emailed you but you didn’t respond?” I shifted in place, suddenly feeling awkward.
“Oh! Yeah, I lost the password for the email ages ago. Sorry for the bad welcome, I get lots of people thinking I’m crazy or pulling a prank and harassing me.”
She ushered me into the office, clearing papers off one of the chairs to make room for me to sit down. There was a collection of swords along one wall, all of them polished to perfection, several with deep knicks in the metal which indicated that they’d been used heavily.
“So what can I help you with?” Sam asked again, more sincere this time.
“Thirty years ago, my brother was turned into a bird,” I started. I’d told this story so many times that it barely felt ridiculous to say anymore. I was used to the disbelieving looks, the careful pity. But Sam just nodded along, face open and welcoming.
“I’ve almost given up on finding him, at this point,” I said. “But I saw your ad in the newspaper, and…here I am, I suppose.”
“Here you are,” Sam echoed, smiling. She pulled one of the pencils out of her hair and took a bit of paperwork off of one of her stacks, turning it over so that the blank side sat neatly in front of her. “Tell me everything.”
I told Sam everything, and she wrote it all down, pencil scratching along the paper.
The last part of the story was always the hardest to tell. “I left him there. I ran and I didn’t look back.”
I had been to dozens of detectives and investigators over the years, once the police had dropped Hitch’s case. I’d been to professional offices with smartly-dressed secretaries and met scraggly men in coffee shops. All of them had given me the same look, pity and annoyance all mixed up into a humor-the-crazy-lady soup. Sam, though, just seemed thoughtful.
Sam leaned forward and put a hand over mine, carefully, like she thought that I would pull away. “Sometimes you have to leave people behind.”
I tightened her hold on Sam’s hand and drew it towards me, like I could make Sam listen if only I squeezed tight enough. “But that’s why I’m here. I don’t want to leave him behind.”
“Okay then. I’ll do my best to help you.” Sam agreed, finally. Then she paused, and said softly, “You know…I think I met your brother once. He might have saved my life. He’s certainly why I started in this business.”
“Really? What happened?” I asked.
This is the story that Sam told me, related to the best of my abilities:
It was a new moon, so the only illumination came from the stars gazing idly down and distant porch lights shining across the scraggly brush of the dunes. Sam’s neighbors were decent people who cared about baby turtles, so the lights were a low, unobtrusive red, and the ocean sloshed like blood. Sam walked on the beach almost every night, drawing back the gauzy pink curtains and clambering out her bedroom window. She didn’t often bother to be quiet; her mama worked the late shift and came home exhausted. As long as Sam got home before the sun, her mama would never find out that she paced the shoreline and dreamed of inhaling sand until her lungs became their own beach.
The sky was lightening. The sun would come up soon, and that meant Sam’s time on the beach was over. She needed to get back to her real life, go to her fifth grade class and stop that nonsense, as her mother would say. Her mother loved to say things like that, pushing Sam into her proper place by implication alone.
“She’s a good kid, of course, but she’s a bit…” Her mother would trail off there, usually getting a commiserating expression from whoever she was talking to. Sam always wondered how that sentence would have finished. She’s a bit strange, maybe. She’s a bit intense. She’s a bit abrasive. She’s quiet enough but when Jason tried to steal her pencil in math class, she stabbed him in the hand so hard that the lead tattooed him.
Her mother was better, for the most part. The days of her stocking up the fridge, and leaving a post-it note on the counter, and leaving for days at a time were gone. But Sam still stepped around the place on the kitchen tile where her mother had collapsed and caved her head in, even though the bloodstains had been replaced with new tile.
“Your auntie got an abortion, you know,” her mother had said from her place on the couch, slurring her words. “Pill in the mail and then bam, no more baby.”
She had clapped her hands together to illustrate her point. Her mother jerked forward and grabbed Sam by the wrist, then, staring up at her until Sam met her eyes.
“I love you, you know? But sometimes I wonder…” She settled back onto the couch. “Yeah. I wonder.”
She’d gotten up, then, back to the kitchen. She’d been stumbling, a shambling zombie of a woman. The ground in the entryway of the kitchen was raised, ever so slightly, and her mother went down hard. Her head cracked against the tile, chin first, and she didn’t move.
Sam had been the one to call the ambulance. She had stared at the scattering of loose teeth on the ground while she waited, and considered what her life would be like with a dead mom. Not so bad, she thought, and immediately felt guilty for it.
Her mom was better, now, for the most part. But Sam still stepped around the place on the kitchen floor where she had collapsed. There was still a matchbox hidden under her bed with the gleaming shine of her mother’s lost teeth, two canines and a molar. It was nice, having a piece of her mom to keep. Even if she left again, Sam would still have part of her.
Sam sighed, and turned away from the ocean. As she faced towards the low dunes further up the beach, she saw a sandcastle sitting nestled among them. It was such a strange sight that her eyes skipped over it at first, almost automatically, disregarding it because it was so out of place.
Sam found sandcastles out on the beach sometimes, usually half-collapsed and on the verge of being washed away by the waves, but she had never seen anything like the sandcastle in front of her. It was life-sized, something that wouldn’t have looked out of place in the Scottish highlands, with spires shooting up above her head and carefully etched out bricks lining each side. The front wall was dominated by an arched set of double doors, twice her height, with a portcullis nestled at the top, ready to be dropped. All of it was lovingly detailed, down to the rust on the tips of the towers and the wood grain of the door. It was made out of wet, densely-packed sand, held together impossibly. It had not been there two hours ago, when she had come to the beach.
There was a bird sitting on the overhang of the door, small and black.
As soon as she took a step towards the sandcastle, the bird shook out its feathers and swooped down towards Sam, landing at her feet with a little stumble.
“Hey, kid, get out of here,” said the bird.
Sam closed her eyes, very deliberately. When she opened them, the bird was still there. Sam considered herself a very reasonable person, so she immediately drew the most logical conclusion. The bird was, she was almost certain, a demon.
“Trust me, you don’t want to run into Mr. Salty, the queen bitch himself,” the bird said.
“Mr. Salty?” Sam inquired, polite as she knew how to be. She edged to the side, trying to get a good angle to kick the bird like a soccer ball.
The bird did something similar to a wince, all its feathers fluffing up then settling back down. “Ah, don’t call him that. He’d turn you into a toad.”
The bird gestured with its head, towards the looming sand structure. “That’s his castle. He’s in there, probably scuttling along the ceiling or some shit because that’s the sort of weirdo he is.”
Sam nodded, encouraging. She pulled back her foot and lined up her shot, the way she’d seen athletes do on TV. She aimed right for its sharp beak and let loose. The bird saw it coming, its beady eyes widening, and it cawed in distress. It flapped away, avoiding her kick only to fall backward into the sand in a scramble of wings.
“What’s your fucking problem?” it squawked. “I was trying to help you!”
“I don’t need the help of a demon,” Sam yelled, trying to remember the exorcism that her mama had taught her once, because her mama believed in being prepared for anything.
“I’m not a demon,” the bird said indignantly.
It was at about that moment that Sam gave up and just decided to roll with it.
“What are you, then?” Sam asked.
The bird shuffled its clawed feet, looking about as awkward as it could, given that it didn’t really have recognizable facial expressions. “Technically I’m a familiar of the Erlking, prince of the fae, but I prefer to be called Hitch.”
“You can’t blame me for assuming, though,” Sam said. “Ravens do tend to be associated with murder.”
“Hey, excuse you,” Hitch said. “I’m a rook, not a raven. Ravens are way bigger.”
“Sure,” Sam said, not really paying attention. Her eyes had caught on the details of the sandcastle, and she was transfixed by the slow spirals of the sand, the strange beauty of it. She found herself stepping towards the great doors, lifting a hand to knock, and as she did, the sand warped in front of her eyes, heaving itself towards her with bulging slowness. The door creaked open before her, revealing a vast, empty room. Just before she stepped inside, she felt a piercing pain in her foot, and she yelped, leaping backwards.
Hitch pecked her again, really digging his beak in. “Don’t be an idiot.”
Sam glared at him, rubbing her foot. About to retort, she finally really took in the room inside the sandcastle, and her words died in her throat.
There was a body just past the threshold of the door, face down and limbs hanging limp at its sides. Long hair splayed out in a halo around its head.
“Don’t,” Hitch warned, suddenly serious. “Just leave, kid, I mean it. I’ve seen too many people go down this road and you don’t want to be one of them.”
Sam ignored him. She made her way across the beach, slipping with every step. The sand felt deeper, piling up around her feet in silent drifts. She picked up the nearest stick and poked the body with it through the door, ready to leap back if anything went wrong, staying firmly outside of the sandcastle.
This close, Sam could tell that it used to be a woman. Her head wasn’t attached to her body. It hadn’t been a clean amputation, either. Her upper body was bruised, with chunks taken out of it, and the bones in her neck hung mangled, not connected to anything.
“Well, I warned you,” Hitch said, defeated. “I did warn you.”
Sam nudged the head with the end of the stick, nudging it over so that she could see the face. Her mother stared back at her, torn to pieces, breath still wheezing from her lungs. She wasn’t blinking, just gazing forward with glazed eyes. Sweat dripped down from her hairline.
Sam screamed and dropped the stick, tripping over herself in her haste to get away.
Her mother’s eyes were wide and pleading, and she was mouthing desperate words at Sam. Her vocal cords were broken to bits, and the only sound that came out was a strained groan.
The head rolled, inching closer to Sam like a grotesque caterpillar.
Her mother gasped for air, torn lips fluttering. Finally, comprehensible words came out. “Help. Help me, daughter.”
“That’s not your mother,” Hitch said, quiet.
Sam knew that. Her mother was sleeping back at home, and anyways her mom had never asked for her help. She had an aversion to accepting charity, as she put it.
“Okay,” Sam said, shaking all over. “Okay.”
She backed away from the sandcastle, not looking away.
“Failure,” her mother hissed as she stepped away. “I never wanted a daughter like you.”
The sun came up over the horizon. The sandcastle, Hitch, and her mom all disintegrated into sand as the light hit them.
The beach, the next night, was almost exactly how I remembered it. The beams of our flashlights sent light bouncing across the dunes, illuminating the waves, and I imagined faces in the foam of the waves.
“I’ve been back here a hundred times. There’s nothing left,” I said.
Sam took the car key out of her purse and pointed it at the sand, adjusting the sword slung over her shoulder in order to do it. The key had belonged to Hitch; Sam had requested an item of his, and it was the only thing I had left. She rested the key on the sand and drew a circle around it, inscribing symbols around the borders.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Sam shrugged. “Not much, really. I’m…I guess you could say that I’m knocking.”
The key laid inert on the sand for long enough that I was just about to give up and go home, admit to myself that Hitch was dead and that I was a fool to believe that Sam could actually help me. Then a building started to take shape, flickering in and out like it was struggling to get away. With a pop of displaced air, the sandcastle settled into existence.
Sam banged on the entryway. Nothing happened. She did it again, harder, and scowled when the door still didn’t open.
“We demand entrance, under your honor,” Sam yelled. There was a hard rush of wind, and I gripped Sam’s arm to keep my balance, but the doors cracked open reluctantly.
The inside of the sandcastle consisted of one enormous hall, the roof arching up out of sight. Rafters crisscrossed from wall to wall, and a cobbled path led further into the building, but other than that, it was completely empty, except for the birds. There were thousands of them, perched on the rafters or hopping along the ground. They parted in front of Sam and I, and reformed behind us, leaving us in a small pocket of open space. They were all black-feathered, with sharp beaks and beady eyes.
The Erlking sat on a throne at the end of the hall, lounging across it with his feet up on the armrest. He watched them as they came forward, the soft caw of the birds the only sound.
“I am here to bargain for the life of my brother,” I said, with as much dignity as I could muster, before the Erlking could say anything.
The Erlking ignored her, tilting his head to look at Sam. “I remember you. I almost got you, once.”

Sam glared at him but didn’t respond.
“You want your brother,” The Erlking said to me, and he almost sounded amused. “Then go get him.”
As if by some sort of silent signal, every bird in the room took flight at once, and their cawing made me think of screams. I covered my head against the flapping of their wings, and my vision was quickly obscured by the chaotic movement of them. I found myself on my knees, just trying to escape them.
A hand met my shoulder. Sam urged me to my feet, and together we ran for the edge of the room, where the swarm was the thinnest. We pressed ourselves into the corner and the swarm spiraled tighter and tighter at the center of the room. It went on until there seemed to be no differentiation between the birds, all of them fused together into one creature.
When the chaos died down, the birds had become one mass, with wings and eyes and talons sticking out of its flesh, thrashing and chirping. Human body parts stuck out of it, bulging out from the feathers. It was hands, mostly, with a couple knees or staring eyes. The bird amalgamation had no recognizable facial features, but there was one long beak extending from the front of its head. Most of the body parts were concentrated around the beak, and they peeked out from where the beak connected with muscle, or grew from the tongue, nestled between the two crushing halves of the beak.
It turned its beak down and crawled forward, using the hands to balance. The fingers scrambled over the ground. I was afraid of centipedes as a child, and I felt that same crawling dread when it started moving.
“Holy shit,” Sam whispered, which was rather disappointing, because I had been hoping that at least one of us knew what to do.
The creature turned, a lurching movement that crushed some of the hands underneath it, and started heaving itself slowly towards our corner.
“Better hurry up!” the Erlking called from his throne.
It was blocking the exit, by then. The shifting body of it had moved to block us off. It ambled towards us and I tried to sink further into the corner.
As it approached, getting close enough that I could smell the stink of it, I saw a flash of a tattoo on one of the hands. I leaned in, trying to find it again, like looking for dolphins surfacing in the ocean. And again, I caught a glimpse of a duck tattoo, the tattoo that Hitch had gotten on his hand as a teenager.
I ripped away from Sam’s death grip and ran for the monster.
I fell to my knees in front of it, wincing as I impacted the ground, and reached into the nest of hands. I could feel them tearing at my forearms and ripping into me with their sharp nails, but I kept going. I pressed further in, up to my shoulder in a writhing mass of limbs, aiming for the spot where I had last seen that tattoo.
The hands were tugging at me, wrapping around my back and hair. They were pulling together, trying to draw me completely into the mass of them. I was aware of Sam at my side, anchoring me in place and bashing any hand that got too close with her sword or the sparks that leapt from her hands with muttered words. But I didn’t think it would be enough. They were too strong, and there were too many of them.
I was up to my waist in the hands when something grabbed my palm. I felt the way it clung to me, and the calluses on its palm, and I knew that I had found my brother.
I flung herself back. The hands didn’t want to let me go, and they fought the whole way, but slowly, I made progress. I kept hold of Hitch’s hand in mine the whole time, gripping it as hard as I could. I finally broke free, Hitch with me, and Sam was immediately charging the creature, able to use her sword with much greater strength without being worried about injuring Hitch. She swung it forward, and it sliced through the wrist of one of the hands. It fell without a sound, red sand flowing out of it. It deflated until it looked like dirty laundry, just a piece of limp flesh. The creature shrieked, scuttling away enough that the door was finally accessible. The three of us ran for it, Sam and I supporting Hitch between us.
I looked back as I left and found the Erlking staring right at me.
“Interesting,” he murmured, his voice carrying impossibly across the vast space between us.
The sandcastle collapsed behind us, the great walls falling in on themselves. We were out in the morning sun, the sandcastle disappearing as we watched. Hitch was on the ground in front of me, as young as he’d been thirty years ago, when he was captured. He started laughing, feathers puffing out of his mouth. He laughed until he cried and I hugged him in the way that he’d held me when I was young, in the times when my life had been defined by hunger and fear.
Hitch left, afterwards. He scratched at the pinhole scars covering his body, where feathers burst through his skin, and pulled his long sleeves down around his wrists. He didn’t know where he was going but he told me that he needed time
I had spent thirty years worth of time without him. I wanted to grab my brother by the shoulders and beg him to stay. But he flinched when I hugged him goodbye and he refused to go near sand and he stared distrustfully at the birds chirping in the trees. Hitch needed to go away and I loved him too much to stop him.
I sat out on the beach every morning. I felt the sun on my face and I waited for Hitch to come home.

Am I crazy? I'm writing this drunk and high. At 12:34 on a Saturday night. Probably because I wouldn't write it at any other time. I think I'm forever single. I've been in a relationship before. One. It started when I was 17 and ended when I was 19. I'm not sure if it was love or puppy love. I almost entered a relationship a few months after that with this gorgeous guy, but I wanted to be single and wasn't interested in being smothered anymore. Flashforward to 2024, a week after my 25th birthday, I haven't been in a relationship since. Hell, I haven't even been close to being in a relationship since. I haven't spoken to a boy/guy/man for more than 12 hours since. (I say 'boy/guy/man' because I feel like at my age, that's what you've gone through. When you're a teen, you date boys. In college, guys. When you've been contributing to a 403b for almost 4 years? Men? Right?? Men. I do looooove men. Anyway...) I am/I've been on the apps. I've had hot Grindr hookups. I've had horrible, terrible Grindr hookups. I go to gay bars in NYC, Fire Island, Florida, Vegas, PTown. No one seems to be interested in me. I dont have abs. My weight flucuates often. I suffer from anxiety and I love smoking weed. I've been really focused on work and starting my career. But, surely, many gay men who would say all of the above are in happy, committed relationships. But I'm not even sure that's what I want. A (straight) couple that I haven't seen in months caught up with me tonight and, of course, one of the first questions they asked was my relationship status. "Oh dont worry, I didn't find him until I was 38!," the woman exclaimed. When speaking to an acquaintance tonight, she brought up a guy that we both mutually know. "He's 30 and has never seriously dated anyone or brought anyone around," she remarked. As a put-down. As evidence to prove how immature this guy is.
Huh.
Does this mean I'm immature? Is this what people say about me? It's not that I dont want a relationship. It'd be cool, I guess. I'm not asexual. In fact, I'm like the horniest person I know. Except after college, I've barely had sex with anyone. Being in a relationship that guarantees regular sex would be awesome. Maybe it's a confidence issue? When my weight flucuates, I get really self-concious. When I'm anorexic and draw attention to myself, I grow confident. I guess I dont outwardly seek relationships, like a lot of the people around me. I'm cool with staying home. I'm not necessarily a relationship person, like a lot of the people around me, either. I work hard and enjoy being self-depedent. I like smoking and watching a movie by myself. I'm cool eating alone at a restaurant. I love treating myself to a Broadway show. I guess, after writing this all out, I'm wondering if anyone can relate? Is this normal? Is a relationship the end goal? Is that what I should strive for? I'm so young, I know, but I feel like an old fucking maid. I'm not sure what I want. But I've seen some single, lonely old men that are just so sad. And I think to myself, "Is that what I want to be?" I'd like to say that, 'I'm just meant to live the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle!' But Carrie dated and actually slept with people (sometimes regularly too)! Then, she ended up with the guy. I guess I'm just looking for clarity and thoughts. Thanks guys ❤️

i F16 am the youngest of my family and currently the last one in high school. i feel that my parents favor my older sibling over me and i have many reasons to believe so. my older sister and brother both were given brand new at the time 2020 flat-screen tvs while i was a tv that was made in the early 2000s. they bought my sibling gifts and expensive shoes while I've had to buy my clothes and shoes with my birthday and Christmas money and that is the only time i get money and it my relatives that send me money my parents have never given me a single dime unless they had too. everything in my room are hand-me-downs from my siblings nothing new and nothing lasts. my parents don't remember my age, birthday, or month i was born in, nor how to spell the name they chose for me. im also currently typing this on a used pc that I've had for 7 years and is the only access i have to my friends and the internet they wont buy me a phone not even one for emergencies and i bought this pc with my own money i saved. my father used to be sexually abusive to me when i started growing into my body and he acts as if it never happened and leaving me with horrible trauma and the fear of men. my mother is neglective i only remember her showing up two times for any school related thing and she only stayed long enough to watch me for only one of the two. i dont remember having a childhood not even a happy one yes i do love my sibling dearly and they have done no wrong to me nor even tried to but my parents whenever i try to talk to them about something important for me argue and say that im too young for it and the real world will eat me alive. i don't feel love for my parents mostly my father i don't love him at all but im not sure about my mom im not sure about her. my life before i turned 16 was horrible i was even planning to run away to a different state after my 16th birthday it was that bad it was also to the point where i was thinking about ending my life even though i had never come to that conclusion before. i feel like im a failure, not even worth anything i feel empty and all ive been able to do these past days was cry. im getting back to the point of rethinking about ending it all again its hard and i hate just having to bear everything alone the only people i can tell are strangers who ill never know. im scared and all i can do is cry and cry and cry. i feel all alone in this world like everything i do is worthless. i hate myself i wish i could tell my friends and have everything be ok for once. i want to be free with no one making the decisions for me i just want to breathe air that isn't filled with contempt for myself i just want to breathe and feel human as if im finally living for once in my life just being alive and nothing else. i hate being where i am i hate the noises of the fans in the ceilings i hate the birds chirping in the morning i hate waking up to find no food left for me i hate waking up and finding myself alone. nothing to call people to one to reach nothing to do but wait and cry. i hate being alone but its all i wish for in this house its the only time i can breathe just breathe. i know i wont do harm to myself as i hate even the smallest amounts of pain or even the thought of doing anything to myself so dont worry about that im trying to better myself even though its barely helping. i just need a way out of this family somewhere that's not here anywhere but "home".

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Suzanne thought it was absolutely brilliant of me to put books on a flash drive for Sun. She explained that Sun wasn’t as sophant (her word, not mine) as she might seem, more of a repository of information, but she was fairly intelligent. It was how she was able to connect Andrew being in pain to the fact that I was friends with Andrew, and that I would want to know that he was in trouble. Apparently some of Sun’s species had given some ‘wisdom’ to others in the past and it had made its way into mythology.
The key fact was that she was not smart enough to protect herself and her kind from the clever, organized poachers. With that information in mind, it was fascinating for me to think of how Sun took in and organized what she learned. It was almost as if she was a walking, talking library.
On the topic of tours, my first one went wonderfully, and I’m almost hoping Suzanne lets me do more of them. I know not all the tourists are going to be as awesome as these people were, but Suzanne gave me a lot of slack when it comes to dealing with them. She actually said that being a smartass is not grounds for dismissal, and that if I’m sarcastic or facetious to guests who are being ‘daft’ and they complain, she really doesn’t care. Is this the perfect job for me or what?
There were four guests in this party, two adults who were sisters and two children of one of the women, brothers aged thirteen and seventeen. The tour was a birthday gift for the older of the boys from his aunt, since apparently he was passionate about animal protection and conservation.
When they arrived at the front gate, I was sitting at Andrew’s desk, going over the booklet of information one last time. When the visitors pressed the button that sounded the alert buzzer, I tucked away in a drawer and let them in. I did have a cheat sheet with information about the animals on my phone just in case, a brief notation of each of them and which enclosure they were in, but I really didn’t need to use it.
Exiting through the front door, I saw them walk up the path toward me. “Hi, I’m Ripley,” I said, holding out a hand toward the woman closest to me.
She shook it firmly. “I’m Denise. This is my sister Carla and my nephews, Wesley and Jason,” she said, motioning to each of them in turn.
“I heard it’s your birthday,” I said to Wesley, giving him a smile. “You’re interested in animal conversation?”
“Back where we live, yeah,” he said, nodding. “The animals that you’ve got here are incredible. I can’t wait to see them.”
“Well, I can’t wait to show them to you,” I said. “Right this way.”
I led them on the path around the building, toward enclosure one. Despite the horrific memories of the animal killing Stanley’s friends, I knew it was just an animal, and I had to push past my feelings on what had happened. Keeping a small smile on my face, I motioned to the enclosure. “Fiercely territorial and amazing hunters, despite their large size, they’re arboreal and known to dart from tree to tree with barely a sound. This is one of only about two thousand left in existence.”
“Two thousand, three hundred and fifty six at last count,” spoke Wesley, his eyes on the trees.
I blinked, surprised and impressed. “Well that was fantastic. Do you plan on stealing my job when you graduate?”
Wesley looked at me with a grin. “Nah, everyone knows Suzanne only offers humans this gig. And I want to help animals like this one get off the endangered species list. The zoos are great for awareness and fundraising, but then the money has to go somewhere. I want to be doing the real work.”
“That’s really great,” I told him. “I wish you all the best in that career path.” At that, we saw the animal climb down from the tree, wandering a few yards from the tree line. This was because 90% of the time, when humans were at their enclosure and making noise, whether it was speaking to each other or calling out to the animal, it was someone bringing them prey to eat. Or, in my case, enrichment toys to play with.
“Whoa,” Wesley whispered.
“How close can we get?” spoke up Jason.
“The warding starts at the fence,” I told him with a small gesture. “So, just there.”
Both boys wandered closer and I glanced at their parents. It seemed that Suzanne’s zoo had a serious reputation for high quality invisible walls, because they didn’t look worried in the slightest about the boys being hurt or killed.
“They prefer dense forest as their home and have been known to make their nests in trees up to twenty meter in the air,” I continued. “And when hunting, they’ve been seen dropping eight meters straight down. They have incredibly dense yet flexible musculature, which allows them to tackle their prey without injuring themselves.”
There was more information about the animal that I continued to rattle off, though Wesley chimed in at certain points with the info I was about to convey. That was highly entertaining and very cool. When I’d been in school, I’d never met anyone who had my level of passion about endangered animals. I wondered if things were better where these folks came from, but realized that considering there were so few of these animals left, I guessed not.
The animal paced a little bit, seemingly waiting to see if we were the kind of humans that came bearing food, before deciding we weren’t and climbing back up into the trees as easily as I would climb some stairs.
As we moved onto enclosure two, Jason spoke up. “Are there any animals here we can touch or feed or something?”
I sighed inwardly before slowing to a stop. “Well, can you show me your hands?” Jason looked bemused, holding out his hands. “I mean…they both look like they’re in great shape. You can stand to lose one.”
The two women chuckled and Wesley smirked as Jason shoved his hands into his pockets. “Very funny.”
Grinning, I started walking again. “The animals here are all carnivores and all predators. You get to see them, but that’s it.”
“Alright.”
When we reached enclosure two, I started on my next spiel. “We’ve got three reanimated dead in this enclosure,” I spoke. They were just coming out from the trees as we arrived, presumably having heard our approach. “Marissa, Connor, and Bradley. They were donated by families who knew where they would be exhibited. Their next of kin, whoever they are, can’t stand the idea of putting them down. But we need to make sure they don’t have access to corpses, because one of them plus one corpse equals two of them.”
“They eat flesh though, don’t they?” Wesley asked.
I nodded. “Oh, yeah, but it’s from bodies that have already been dismembered. There’s no chance of them being affected by the transformation because it’s all parts.”
“Oh, got it.”
The creatures with blueish-white skin had superhuman strength, which is why they qualified for the security of Suzanne’s zoo. They also were likely the source of any Earth tales of people being brought back to life as zombies, specifically draugr, according to my research. They smelled like rotting flesh, so even as I kept talking about them and giving a background to the people they used to be, we were quick to move on once Wesley had gotten a good, long look at them.
“Enclosure four’s animal is a vampiric spirit. He’s a small, hairy humanoid creature with pointed ears. He wears a hat, and if he somehow loses it, he freaks out,” I said.
“They eat horses,” Wesley noted. “Also anything that gives them the chance to sit on it, usually catching them by surprise while they’re sleeping.”
The creature came out from the brush, giving us a suspicious look. He wasn’t in his humanoid form though; for some reason, he’d chosen to shapeshift to a dog.
I nodded. “Yep, indeed. Once the prey is dead, then he’ll eat it, and he has a voracious appetite. We have two wolves and two bears in the forest, which is one of the reasons I’ve got some self-defense items,” I said, patting my belt where my pepper spray (rated for bear) and my taser. “But the wards keep them out of this area of the zoo, so it’s really not much of a worry. It’s also a known shapeshifter, preferring the form of a dog, as you can see, as well as a cat, a snake, or even white butterflies, though the last one is rare.”
“The white butterflies are supposed to be a sign of good luck,” Wesley said, glancing to me. “Too bad we got the dog.”
“Yeah, otherwise you might be able to talk your mom into getting scratch-offs on your way home, huh?”
Wesley smirked at me.
The next enclosure was Spike, and he was waiting for us, dripping wet from having just emerged from the lake. I gave the introductory information about him, which included his propensity for eating animal eyes, nails, and teeth. “Recently, I’ve given him some enrichment activities, and I learned he likes artichokes, pecans, and hazelnuts,” I said, taking a bag out from my cargo shorts. “Wesley, do you want to toss this bag into the enclosure?”
The boy’s eyes widened and he nodded excitedly. He took a look into the paper bag before wrapping down the top to make sure nothing would fly out. Then he chucked it underhand past the fence. It landed a few yards from Spike, who waddled over to it quickly and tearing the bag open, spilling out the prizes inside. As the animal ate the pecans and hazelnuts, Wesley asked, “How’d you figure out he likes those?”
“It’s not all about taste,” I told him. “It’s mainly the difficulty of getting them out of the shells. He’s used to having to work for the parts of his prey he likes the most, so this mimics that activity, and he enjoys the process. I tried a bunch of different foods to find a few he liked.”
“Cool,” Wesley murmured, staring at him.
We watched Spike eat until he’d finished and then he went back into the woods, leaving us to move onto enclosure five. Japanese camellia were plentiful here, a type of pink flower, and that was because they grew anywhere near one of his species made their den. “This girl spends most of her time in the lake also,” I said, as the creature made its way toward the fence separating us from it. “But as you can see, she’s just as curious as the rest about what we’re doing here and whether we have food for her. She eats fish mostly, but she also regularly gets live prey.”
This creature was a spider-like monster, having six legs with long claws on each, and the head of an ox with two sharp horns. She was capable of shapeshifting to look like a human, but I guessed that she wasn’t fond of it, since I hadn’t yet seen her in that form.
“She prefers the easy way of catching prey, so to speak, by hiding in the lake and pouncing when something comes for a drink of water,” I explained. “Apparently humans are some of her favorite prey. She has an advantage of being able to spit poison, which often hits her prey in the eyes. But it’s usually used in defense rather than offense, since it secretes a limited amount.”
“What kind of animal would even go after something like this?” Jason asked, staring at her.
“Never discount one of its own species when you’re thinking about what might attack an animal,” I replied. “There are places that are breeding all of the animals here, but competition for mates is common. That means an advantage in a fight, like poison or venom, can make or break who the winner is.”
“Ah, gotcha.”
“It can’t spit past the warding, right?” Carla suddenly asked.
“Oh, no,” I assured her. “We’re fine. The wards wouldn’t let anything cross over.” She nodded, appeased.
The animal in enclosure six was the ginormous seal-hippo, Fiona, and she was looking at us as if she was imagining sprinkling us with herbs and spices and stuffing us in an oven. “This girl is one animal I’m going to work on enrichment activities for next,” I told them. “She prefers to feed on crayfish, though she’s happy to eat any humans that wander into her territory. She’ll even make a sound like a baby crying to reel us in. I’ve heard it a bunch of times.”
“Can you get her to make the sound?” Jason asked, perking up.
I grinned. “Not on command, sorry.”
“What enrichment are you thinking of trying?” Wesley asked.
“Possibly food placed in puzzle feeders,” I told him, “since she has claws that are pretty dexterous. Maybe a piñata made out of newspaper with flour inside, or a scarecrow that mimics a human.”
“Awesome,” he muttered.
After a little more educational tidbits, we moved onto Yui’s enclosure. “What is that?” Wesley asked, smiling.
“I got Yui the closest thing I could to a ping-pong ball,” I replied. “She quite likes it.”
“That’s so funny,” he said as she came out of the trees in her spider form. “I mean, the idea of her being a bloodthirsty hunter who seduces men to their deaths and eats them alive, but then on the other hand, she likes playing with something like this.”
“It is a little funny,” I agreed. “But when it comes down to it, all the animals here enjoy activities besides hunting.”
“She can shapeshift to look human, right?” asked Jason, trying to be casual about knowing something factual like his nerdy brother.
I nodded. “She looks like a woman from a region of Earth called Japan. And she’ll use strategies like holding out a hand to shake to get you closer. She tried that on me when I first got here but, as you can see,” I said, holding up my hands and waving them, “I didn’t fall for it.”
The boys both laughed as they got closer to the fence, watching her slowly pace near the trees.
Next was Sun, but she didn’t make an appearance as I spoke about her species. “Well…unfortunately we can’t guarantee that every animal comes out to say hi,” I sighed. “But…oh wait, here she is.”
The green lion with several horns and many eyes along her flank came out from the forest. “Hello,” she spoke.
“Hi, Sun,” I replied. “We have visitors.”
“What’s that?” Wesley asked suddenly, pointing at the small plastic bag that was still where I’d left it.
“Oh! That is Sun’s enrichment,” I said with a smile. “I put dozens of books on a flash drive and found that she can read them just like she’d read a shelf of books.”
Wesley’s eyes widened. “Wow. I don’t think I’ve read about anyone trying that before. That’s really cool.”
“The books are new and interesting,” Sun spoke, drawing our attention. “I’m grateful for them.”
I nodded to her. “You’re quite welcome.”
The next animal, unfortunately, wasn’t there, and we waited around for ten minutes as we discussed him. He was large and reptile-like with red eyes, with its hind legs and tail making him look vaguely like a kangaroo. Then, enclosure ten was a terrifyingly disturbing creature, the not-a-centaur with no skin, that I’d only seen a few times while walking my route. It gave a good demonstration of its ferocity, showing its sharp teeth and snapping at us a few times.
“I’m thinking of trying salt licks and other horse enrichment like a big bouncy ball,” I told Wesley, whose eyebrows went up at that. “Maybe give him more things to forage like scattered grains or a box filled with pinecones and seeds. Foraging is a huge part of a horse’s life in the wild, and humans have to do a lot of activities like that to keep pet horses busy. Of course, he also loves the little salt-water lake that was built for him.”
We spent some time looking at the animal before moving past our last stop, the empty enclosure of the animal was stolen. Carla glanced at me with a sad smile, knowing what had happened, it seemed. I gave her a nod as we continued on our way, walking into the office. “So, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!” I said with a smile.
“That was the coolest birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” Wesley said, looking to Denise. “Thanks so much, seriously.”
“It was my pleasure,” she said with a nod. “I’d never been here before, and knew I’d find it fascinating. Thank you for the educational aspect,” Denise said, glancing at me. “I learned quite a lot.”
“Happy to hear it,” I said, returning the nod.
As I escorted the guests out of the zoo and locked the door behind them, I reflected on how much I’d changed. The first time I’d seen Yui’s tarantula form, I’d nearly passed out from fear. Now here I was, walking tourists around like it was no big deal. Humans really can adapt to anything, it seems.
That afternoon, Suzanne had texted me that she was coming by after my shift, and I met her in Andrew’s office, shutting the door to the security room behind me. “How’s Andrew?” I asked first thing.
“He’s doing well,” she said with a wide smile. “Back on non-hospital food. He’s allowed to order food on his phone, and to hear it from him, that’s the best news he’d received in a long time.”
I chuckled. “I guess some clichés are true for a reason.”
“Indeed.” She took a breath. “All right. Ripley…I would like to discuss something with you.”
My face went slack at the serious tone in her voice. “I’m not… Am I being fired?”
“What? No!” she exclaimed. Then she chuckled softly. “No, it’s nothing like that. Just, here, let’s have a seat.” Suzanne walked over to the couch and sat at one end, and I took the other. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve kept from you, that I wanted to keep from you until you found your sea legs here.”
“Well…I have,” I said with a nod. “So, what is it?”
Suzanne took a breath. “I knew your mother.”
The words hung in the air for a moment before making their way to my ears. It was a perfectly logical sentence, and yet it didn’t make any sense. “What?” I finally managed.
“When you graduated college, I decided to move the zoo from Italy to within driving distance of your home,” she said softly. “Near enough to your town that you’d see the advert. We ignored any other applicants and I hoped you’d apply. Actually, I expected you’d apply. Not just for the money, but considering the field you wanted to go into. As soon as I’d found out your major, I knew.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, holding up a hand. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “How do you know Patricia?”
“She owned the zoo before I did,” Susan explained. “Fourteen years ago…she was working to track an injured animal that we could bring into the zoo and she was killed by poachers.”
My heart calcified in my chest and a lump lodged in my throat. As my breaths became shaky, I stared at her in shock. “She…she’s really dead?”
“You suspected?” she asked softly.
“It…” I swallowed hard. “We had her declared legally dead after…I don’t know, seven years I think. My dad wanted to go after her for child support, but the police said…they said they couldn’t find…” Tears came to my eyes and I blinked them back before I met Suzanne’s gaze. “She owned the zoo?”
Suzanne nodded. “It was her baby, you’d say. When Patricia passed, I inherited it, which we’d discussed beforehand, a legal just-in-case that I never expected her to need. I’m under the impression that you were told she went to Africa for her photography career, but she was in fact going to remote areas back in my home world almost every time.”
“But I-I saw the photos,” I said, my eyes narrowing. “You’re telling me she put on a show of getting pictures that someone else took for us to see every time she visited? Did my dad even know?”
“I suppose that’s an accurate way to put it, putting on a show. And no, your father was never told. It’s not the way of things to tell humans unless it’s necessary. I won’t bore you with the details, but us and humans, we’re distant relatives, so we can still have children. But it wasn’t planned. Your mother fell in love with your father despite herself; she hadn’t meant to find love. Then she became pregnant with you and…well, the rest is history.”
“I think she had a different definition of love than the one I have,” I said tightly. “You’d think she’d have put her survival as more of a priority. Put being with the man she ‘loved’ as a priority. Her kids needed her. I needed her. She signed up when she became a mom. She could’ve screwed up all the time but she couldn’t even manage that one job: be there. When I was in the hospital, I kept thinking, ‘Where is she?’ and now you’re telling me that she put these animals above being there for her kids, and this whole time she’s been dead.”
“The hospital?” she asked, furrowing her brows.
“Never mind,” I said tersely, averting my gaze.
Suzanne hesitated before she nodded slowly. “I’m sorry for your loss, and not just for her death, Ripley,” she told me. “Patricia was…well, a ‘free spirit’ would be putting it gently. She always assumed the world would be there for her whenever she needed it.”
Staring at her for a long moment, I shook my head. “Why? Why come here and hire me?”
“I thought that would be obvious,” she said, smiling. “Your mother was so passionate about this place and once I found out your college major, I figured you would be as well.”
“Did you know that I hate her?” At that, Suzanne’s expression froze on the edge of shock. “She…she left us,” I whispered. “Didn’t tell us who she was or what she really did for a living and gave us no closure. And even when she was here, it was just visiting. Her real home was her work. She could give me all the presents she wanted, but even when she was here, half the time she was still on her computer doing work. It’s not like that stereotype of never making it to my tennis practice or something; it’s that it always felt like she was only partially here, even when I was sitting next to her. I don’t even know if I appreciate her turning me into a wildlife fanatic because it…it…makes me feel like I’m close to her in a way that’s just infuriating. She loved the animals more than she loved us.”
“Oh, Ripley-”
“Don’t,” I said, shoving myself to my feet. “Don’t try to convince me otherwise.”
“I wasn’t going to,” she said quietly. I pursed my lips. “I was going to say that I’m sorry that was the case. Your mother was…flawed, just like any other person. She had two loves in this world: her family and her work. And often, her work overcame her, her zeal for environmentalism getting in the way of being a good mum. She left your father trying to fill the role of two parents, holding your family together. You and your brother and your father, you all deserved better than that.”
My lower lip quivered but I bit down on it hard. It would’ve been a lot easier for me if she’d been speaking from a place of clueless reassurance about all this. But everything she said was making sense and that meant I didn’t have someone in front of me to be angry with.
“Why didn’t you tell me when Andrew hired me?” I sighed, sitting back down on the couch.
“Well, like I said, I wanted you to find your sea legs,” she said with a small smile. “I didn’t want the truth affecting whether or not you wanted to work here, whether you wanted to stay here after finding out about what the animals are. It would’ve complicated things, the emotions you’ll have to work through now that you know the truth. Whether or not you decide to give another tour, you also know what they’re like. That’s the benchmark I wanted you to reach before you found out about who you are.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Who I-” My face went slack. “Wait.”
Suzanne nodded slowly. “You’re only half human. Your brother too.”
The room seemed to tilt on an axis for a moment. “That means I’m also half…what?”
“We call ourselves Eldritch, these days,” she replied.
My eyes bugged out. “What?” I exclaimed. “So you’re all, like, gods or something?”
Suzanne burst out laughing. “Oh no, goodness, no,” she chuckled. “It’s just a word. We live in a very different world from this one, and a few generations ago we discovered the word and it made its way into our lexicon. But it does mean you can see all the animals. Indeed you did, on the tour you gave.”
“Wait, no, I had the glasses that…” I stopped. “Did those glasses do anything?”
She gave a sly smile and shook her head. “Not a thing. You made incredibly quick progress, and then when it came time for the tour, all you needed was to expect to see the animals, and you did.”
Genetics. That’s what Andrew had said during our interview, that part of how many animals you could see was determined by genetics. I guess having a mother who was originally from the other dimension gave me all the genes I needed to see everything here. “Could I…visit your world?” I asked tentatively. “You said that my mom took photos of the animals there. Could I…” My voice trailed off, not even sure if or how I wanted to finish that sentence.
“Those who are half human, especially those who are raised on Earth, don’t come visit,” she said gently. “I could show you some photos of other animals, and I could loan you as many books as you’d like, but it’s simply not a place where you’d be safe.”
“Oh,” I said, leaning into the couch cushion as I pictured the animals in the zoo. “Yeah, actually that…makes sense.” I paused. “So, what now?”
“It’s up to you,” she said. “I wanted to wait until I was sure you were comfortable with your position here, and then put the ball in your court. And so it is. What do you want to do now?”
What did I want to do? It wasn’t that difficult a question, just a deep, serious one.
I wanted to thrive, as the animals did. This is my enrichment now, working at an incredible, wonderful, terrifying zoo. The experience so far hasn’t been perfect, and I know there are risks, but life isn’t about staying safe. It’s about learning new things and making a difference in the world. And, if you’re lucky, having a job that’s something really special.
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THE END
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Hello, GoG
I'm back for a fourth attempt, hoping that persistence will finally pay off. This time, I won't just tell you about the game or my love for the tower defense genre. Instead, let me share a whimsical tale that captures the essence of Bloons TD 6—a story of a monkey named Gerald and his epic battle against balloons. The expanded version
Once upon a time, in a jungle far, far away, there lived a shy monkey named Gerald. Gerald was known among his peers for his extreme introversion. He often hid away in the school bathrooms to avoid group projects, preferring solitude over social interactions.
On Gerald's ninth birthday, which coincided with Valentine's Day, his parents devised an unusual plan to help him break out of his shell. They set him up on three blind dates. The mere thought of sitting across the table from another monkey sent Gerald into a panic. On his first date, Gerald fainted from stress. On the second date, he ended up in the emergency room with a racing heart. His parents, realizing traditional dates were too much for him, decided to try something different for the third date.
This time, they set Gerald up with a balloon. Despite the absurdity of the situation, Gerald found himself drawn to the balloon, which he named Stacy. Stacy wasn't just any balloon; she had a face drawn on her and a personality that captivated Gerald. They did everything together—picnics, walks, dancing, and more. Gerald didn't care about the strange looks they received; he was happy.
However, Stacy had a darker side. She was unfaithful, often flirting with and following attractive men. On their anniversary, Gerald caught Stacy in the act of cheating. Heartbroken and furious, Gerald vowed to rid the world of all balloons. He formed a task force called "Bloons Tower Defense" (or Bloons TD) to execute his plan. Over time, the task force evolved, with the latest iteration being "Bloons TD 6."
Determined to exact his revenge, Gerald overcame his introversion to lead his team against the balloons. His mission became my mission, and now, I want to join Gerald in his quest.
So, dear GoG team, I ask for your kindness and support. Let me assist Gerald in his battle against Stacy and her cadre of balloons. Your generosity would mean the world to me.
Thank you for considering my request. I hope this story brought a smile to your face, and I wish you all a fantastic week.
Thank You So Much
P.S. Who wouldn't love monkeys popping balloons? It's pure fun!
Bloons TD 6
SteamID

For context this all started 9 years ago I have had a lot of time to reflect on this and I guess I just want to share my story.
Back in 2014 during my (18 m) freshman year of college I met a girl (18 f) I'll call her A. She was fun and cool with lots of common interests. We were in the same clubs and I developed a crush on her. She had some emotional issues which made her drop out of school but she came back in the spring semester. Looking back on it I did a bit of "white knighting" for her to try to be there for her in order to have her like me. Eventually that summer we ended up fake dating because she wanted her parents to stop asking her if she was going to date anyone. Later that summer we made it official and actually dated. I visited her once during the summer and she visited me during the following fall semester because she decided that she wasn't going back to college, but I slowly started to feel more and more distant from her.
During my sophomore year I met another girl (19) (I'll call her B) and we started to get along. I was feeling lonely so I would invite her to watch a few shows in my dorm common room. I knew she had a boyfriend but I kinda got the feeling she didn't care about him much. At first I was trying to encourage my friends to date her, because they were single. She started to develop feelings for me and I developed feelings for her and we ended up hooking up. I felt terrible about it and the line from Hamilton "I wish I could say that was the last time, I said that last time, it became a pastime." Kept ringing in my head.
In the end A broke up with me. I assume that a friend of hers from the college told her what was happening. She never confronted me about it, she simply said we were better as friends abd ended it there. I felt like crap and wanted to end it there with B. B ended up using guilt to encourage me to date her properly after her boyfriend broke up with her.
We dated through out college, at first people were excited because they thought we were a cute couple. Then for a while my friends started asking me if I was happy in my relationship with B. I would tell then yes because I was young and stupid.
Skip to 2020 during the pandemic we were fresh out of college and living together. We would still have my 2 best friends over but didn't really talk to anyone else or go out much due to covid. She never liked me leaving the house or doing anything because of covid. She ended up making me miss my grandfather's birthday. Which should have been a sign, but I kept trying to rationalize it as her being worried about covid. My friends were still asking me if I was happy and it kept getting harder to say yes. I watched philosophytube's video "Men.Abuse.Trauma" and started tearing up and I couldn't understand why. I kept rationalizing it as "She isn't as bad as thier ex."
In December she broke up with me. I felt devastated because I kept trying to sacrifice more and more for her. I kept hoping and praying that there was something that I could do to make myself the perfect boyfriend agian.
4 years later I am only left with the quote from Romeo and Juliet "These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."

So Whole year back from now i have 4 sister and 2 brothers and one of the smaller sisters let call her gina f (18) she was (16)when she decided to move in with my brother(21) lets call him arturo ans his gf (21) lets call her layla. They were okay for a while until gina one day asked me for a ride to go to the mall and i had said yes and we went to eat and hung out until 9:40pm my fiance (23) lets call him hunter was with us we were having a good time until we went to drop her off at my brothers place as soon as we walked in my brothers gf was like your curfew is at 10 if you told me you were with your sister it wouldve been okay and i just stared at her like wtf is goin on. My fiance just walked right back outside and my brother followed him outside and i decided to join them they were having a good convo about cars and other guy stuff we were outside for about 30 mins and my brother gf comes out and yells hey arturo your food is ready and he says ill be right there litterally 3 mins later she comes back out and says your food is getting cold and he says again ill be right there and then another min comes around and when she is about to say something my brother says im coming and cuts the convo short when we were saying our goodbyes she comes out with my brothers car keys and gets in the car and burns tire backing out to go check on her laundry and my brother starts awkwardly or nervously laughing and we leave. A couple of days pass by and im having a convo with my other sister brit(23) and i told her that i had the weirdest interaction with arturo ans his gf and that idk why she was talking to our sister Gina like if she was blood related to her or like an angry mexican mom to her instead of my brother pulling her aside and letting her know the house rules or something anyways i ended up saying she a little weird for that and here is when the drama starts. A week later i catch up with gina again and this time she opens up a little more about the situation with my brother and his gf and the house rules and at first i was like “hmm that makes sense it is their apt “ but then she said that layla said that she was like a mom to her and that arturo told her that if our little sister is her responsibility not his and anything that has to do with Gina that shes in charge then thats when i stopped her and told her you mean to say she means like a sister right not mom and she said no she said like a mom i was like wtf im the oldest and dont even try to claim that spot shes only been taking care of you for less than a year shes fucken weird for saying that and i had called my sister brit and told her we need to get together and talk to arturo so it doesnt get out of control and everything start with the he said he said bs and the first thing that happens is exactly that two days later he calls me ans says that i have to right to comment on whats going on and to apologize to his gf for calling her weird and she is like a mother to our little sister and that he will completely cut me off for it and that also he herd i had said things behind her back when only shes been nice to me i ended up apologizing to both of them over the phone (even tho i didnt say anything behind her back just that she was a little weird) and they accept it. weeks pass and i dont hear from them and it was my birthday 3 of my sisters (brit,gina,and ester(19))take me out to eat and got for a stroll to the mall all i see at the mall is gina going to store from store looking at mens shoes and buying other male items. while im waiting on her in a store i turn to brit and ask her have you herd from arturo and she said yeah hes fine and then we stayed quiet and then i said im a little bummed he didnt come or say happy birthday to me and gina comes and says “he said that he was going to do a surprise party for you but you been acting weird so he wont do shit for you” . I was like wtf how i havnt talked to him and i already apologized to him and his gf so whats he talking about ans they look down and stay silent then i got a little upset ans just asked gina why are you buying all that shit for anyways and she says its for arturos bday and i looked at her and say but his bday its until next month why now and i walk out the store. Honestly i was a little mad that she was using the only day we get together and try to have fun to go shopping for my brother when it was my bday he will have his day in a month and its not like gina doesnt have her own car to go too. After that day we all kept quiet and just not brought it up at all anymore i had already apologized to both of them i dont feel like i have the need to do it again i only see them on special occasions like thanksgiving ,Christmas and my only nephews bday party
So AITAH for not wanting to apologize to them again? let me know i need help
Also i have a second part coming the story doesnt end there.

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. We started dating when I left NYC during Covid and returned to my hometown on the west coast for the year. We became serious during Covid and eventually made things official. However, I wasn’t living in my hometown permanently; it was just temporary, and I had to go back to my apartment in NYC eventually.
When we got together, he seemed great. He had his life together - a good job, his own nice apartment, his own car, and he took me out on nice dates. He was more of a "provider". Fast forward to 2021, he decided to move to NYC to live with me and start a new life. However, I should have been more cautious because he left his good-paying job without any plan or job lined up, relying only on his $100k in savings. He convinced me to move out of my apartment in the Bronx that was ridiculously cheap to live, I only paid $850 in rent! he thought it was a dump and wouldn't feel comfortable living there. I didn’t agree with that, I thought my apartment was beautiful and spacious but he wasn’t use to NYC living. Anyways, my roommates and I were kinda over living there so it gave us an excuse to move into a different apartment. We found a place in Brooklyn that was more expensive but with the idea that everybody would be contributing it would be fine.
Fast forward to 2022, during Covid, he was very good at investing and trading, so he wanted to find a job in finance. However, his money eventually ran out. From 2022 until now, he worked horrible finance jobs that paid him nothing, and I ended up having to fully support both of us financially. I paid rent for a $2500 apartment with no help from him. On top of it, it started getting really annoying how everything started falling on me like he has bad credit so everything had to be under my name, or how he never renewed his drivers license bc he felt like he didn’t need it any more so I would have to do all the driving or rent cars or even worse, getting pulled over while he was driving and switching seats so that I was on the driver side bc he thought he would go to jail driving without a license. It’s just like, get your shit together bro. I felt like I was his sponsor while he struggled, switching between three different firms, working for free, and studying every day to get licenses. NYC is a very expensive city so to take care of 2 ppl is hard.
There were many times I had to pay for his phone bill, haircuts, groceries, the car that he got towed for parking irresponsibly, his tests, plane tickets and more. He kept telling me that "this will eventually pay off". he eventually decided he didn't like finance bc it was a waste of time and tried becoming a personal trainer, which also didn't work out. At this point he’s gone through like 5 jobs. I even had to start dancing to help both of us financially.
I feel stupid and unappreciated because I wouldn’t have minded any of this had he made me feel appreciated and made effort. He rarely expressed gratitude or guilt or had any urgency to just get a job on the side while he studied, he wasn’t putting any effort on special occasions like birthdays or holidays,bc he had no money and he wasn’t doing enough chores around the house either while being a messy person. Only when I brought it up, does he claim that it bothers him that he wasn’t able to take care of me on special occasions but then would act so nonchalant about it on a daily basis? I literally paid for everything at one point, yet we STILL split chores equally, despite him not contributing financially or putting in any additional effort to still make me feel special. When I confronted him about how I shouldn’t be going 50/50 on chores he'd dismissed my concerns by saying things like "when women make more money than men, this is how they act". Or he went on to tell me how I only work 3 days a week so I’m not as busy as him. He would also make excuses as to why he couldn’t think of doing anything thoughtful or special for me without having the funds to do so, as if he couldn’t figure out something to do free like IDK writing me a love note, planning surprise picnic dates or a surprise at home movies date. I will say that he’s a great cook and loves to cook, so he would cook for me all the time and he would consider that effort.
It feels like hes taken me for granted. I constantly had to ask him to do things around the house. He would do things like sleep In excessively I found my self constantly being his alarm clock telling him it’s time to get out of bed, it was super unmotivating to be around , he would leave pee on the toilet seat, have his shaved beard hair around the sink, cook and leave a mess with the dishes, not wiping down the counter , clothes piles and more. When I would voice my frustration, it would turn into a screaming match, him trying to make me feel like I’m over reacting or him getting pissed at my lack of patience and warranted bad attitude that I have constantly towards him. He claims he love, cares, or that he his very appreciative but his actions say otherwise.
Fast forward these past few months, we’ve gone to couples therapy, he’s got a really good normal salary paying job and he’s definitely been getting a lot better in many ways but looking back I get so angry bc I felt taken advantage of and unappreciated, and now I resent him so much for it and I regret letting him put me in such a bad financial position while being so ungrateful. He still has yet make things up to me. I feel like I’ve gone all this time and done so much for him that I need him to owe it back to me. Idk if that’s wrong of me.

And I’m sad about that. We moved to our current state 11 years ago - I left behind all my family and friends. I of course have made peripheral friends here. Even some fellow mom friends. However, we don’t have family nearby, my husband has a cousin and an aunt here but they never reach out. I guess it’s me. No one wants to have in person time with me. I spend my whole life caring for my kids, my home, my husband. I don’t get fancy date nights, I don’t get outings to places without my kids. My husband had a huge conference in San Francisco a couple months ago. 5 days without him. He had a blast! He saw friends from a decade ago, had karaoke, parties, etc.
I had two fussy kids and zero me time.
My husband does a lot. He does the whole morning breakfast routine for the kids and I get them dressed. He does drop off, I do pick up.
However, I was assured by him “when I get back, you get some time to do whatever!” Well, it’s been 2 months and the “friend” I have here that is always saying we should get together has canceled plans twice. I have friends we text every day, but they are all far away. And to be honest? I don’t think they would make time for me.
Tonight my husband is going to a 4 hour long concert. It’s a band I have zero desire to see, and 4 hours seems exhausting. So, he’s going with a work friend (a dude) and I’m staying home. But, twist, I’ve been working (I have my own pet sitting business as a side thing to bring in money) since 8 am. And did a Costco run, and took one of the kids to a 3 hour birthday party. Then I get home and off the husband goes. I have a client at 9:30 pm, again, and managed to find a sitter to watch the kids (they’ll be asleep) for 35 minutes while I do a potty break for the client.
I think I’m the NPC in everyone’s life.
Do my kids seem grateful for me? Yep. Does my husband do a lot and more than 90% of men? Yep.
But do I fuckin miss having just a shred of doing shit I want to do when I want to do it? Yep.
Do I miss having a friend to just see in person for just 30 minutes? Yea.
But maybe I’m just a shitty person? I do my best to be supportive and kind, loving, encouraging, I go out of my way to make the people in my life feel loved. But I guess it’s just not enough.

1994
News:
Nelson Mandela, South Africa's first Black president, is inaugurated
Varg Vikernes convicted of murder and arson
Qubilah Shabazz contacts Michael Fitzpatrick for hit-man job.
Soul Music (novel)

Movies:
When a Man Loves a Woman**
Crooklyn***
A Million to Juan*
The Crow***

TV:
"Saturday Night Live" Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
Roc Finale
"Seinfeld" The Hamptons
Johnny Carson's last TV appearance on The Tonight Show
Games:
The Pirates of Dark Water snes
Andre Agassi Tennis
Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon
Space Ace (snes)
ClayFighter: Tournament Edition
Music:
Weezer - Buddy Holly

2004
News/Other:
Day of Mourning and Remembrance of the Victims of War in Ukraine
Cheat Commandos Adventures TV show (Homestar Runner)

Movie:
Coffee and Cigarettes**
Breakin' All the Rules
Troy*
TV:
"The Sopranos" The Test Dream
Helter Skelter (TV Movie 2004)
"The West Wing" Gaza
"Frasier" Goodnight, Seattle: Part 2 (Finale)
The Practice – The Series Finale
80% of the Vivendi Universal subsidiary was sold to GE

Games:
Nintendo Revolution (Wii) Announcement of existence
Music:
Somewhere Only We Know
Song by Keane
'Frasier' tv theme
Diana's Classic Corner
Twentieth Century 1934
Seven Up! Up (film series) **
The Natural
2014
News Other:
N/A

TV:
Suburgatory Finale
Penny Dreadful Debut
Star-Crossed finale
Trophy Wife Finale
"Game of Thrones" The Laws of Gods and Men

Movies:
The Angriest Man in Brooklyn
The Salvation*
Ida*
Million Dollar Arm
Godzilla***
Games
Super Time Force
Table Tennis Touch
Music:
All Of Me Song by John Legend
Deaths; John Wayne Gacy, H.R. Giger
Birthday Quiz: Stephen Colbert
Outro Music:
Dead Souls Song by Nine Inch Nails

I'm a 53 year old man. I was a CPA for close to 30 years. My partner died September 2023, and it was suggested that I take a job doing anything that would get me out of the house. I had always had an affinity for Trader Joe's and thankfully they took a chance on hiring me and I love it. It's honestly been very important to my mental health.
To my point, I am a gay man, but apparently I don't "seem" gay, whatever that means. People have told me that my whole adult life.
When I started working at Trader Joe's almost everybody was so kind - with the exception of some young women in their early 20s or so. I didn't understand why they didn't seem to like me, I am relatively soft spoken and always polite. I make an effort to keep conversation as neutral as possible particularly in the workplace. Despite that, it was as if the young women were scared of me, or at least annoyed. When I was on CE they would tell me they didn't want me bagging for them and they had it covered.
In retrospect, I feel like such an idiot for not putting it all together.
About a month in, after somebody saw me at a local coffee shop frequented by gay guys the word got out that I was gay. I had never hidden this it's just that nobody asked.
Within two shifts, I had suddenly become a sort of fun, adorable character. These young women who previously didn't want anything to do with me we're now asking for hugs and telling me that I had "such cute dad energy". I was invited to one of the young women's birthday party.
I am making this way too long, but in short once it was found out that I was gay I was suddenly likable to these people. I actually learned just this week that prior to this revelation two separate young women had requested that I not work them during the same product hour. Apparently I talked too much and I was creepy.
Until it was revealed that I was actually just an old old gay guy.
This is so shitty and unfortunate on so many levels.
Most importantly, these young women didn't develop this opinion of older men out of nowhere and I understand that. Something happened to them, or one of their good friends, which has made them very uncomfortable around older males in the work place. The "Me Too" movement had a real foundation to it and I realize that.
I feel like I am posting this without an answer to it. But in short, that thread about older men referring to women by the name listed on their name tag as gross or whatever was hurtful to hear. For a lot of complex reasons. It just sucks that young women were scared of me because of my age and my gender, but once my sexuality was revealed I became a sort of fun cartoon for these same young women.
Maybe this whole post doesn't belong on this specific message board. But I just really wanted to say that because I don't know how to say it to my whole crew and I probably never will.

TW:Vent/Sh
My dad doesn't just beat me for no reason but I feel like when he does it's not necessary. Like he beat me for wasting trash out the trash can on accident in 8th grade. He beat me for not taking a shower early in elementary. and it's not just spankings he hits me with a leather belt in the same spot. He beat my sister for accidently buying a movie when she was in elementary. He would slap my brother. He says the only reason he doesn't slap me is because I'm a girl. But lately he says he will and I'm to big to get beat. He threatens to slap me when I try to talk or defend myself. He's fist fought my sister twice but it's because she said really messed up stuff to him. He makes me buy my own phone but buys my sister a phone even though her phone is fine. I got mine stolen after I got maced and he makes me buy it. I tracked my stolen phone but now he took it even though I paid for it. He wakes me and my siblings up and makes up clean the whole kitchen if we miss one spot on one dish. He makes me cook for him. He always yells and he calls me dumb because sometimes I don't catch on. Or because I'm forgetful. He got mad at me for choosing to go live with my mom. He got mad at me for drinking night quill when I had a cold he says I'm acting like a junkie like my mom. He yelled at me Infront of the whole class even though my teacher lied. His voice scared me. Every since I was little his voice scared me. When he calls my name I get scared then I go to him and he says something simple. He choked my dog because I corrected him when he was wrong. He smiled and apologized the next morning. He yells at me about touching my siblings things but I let them hold my stuff and they broke it but he didn't yell at them. Im not even scared of him anymore or at least I don't think I am Im just annoyed by him. But when I think about it I'm scared to tell him what want. I was scared for the past four years to tell him I wanted to live with my mom. He bought me a puppy just to make me give it away a few days later. He yells at me cause I called my sister a retard but they get to call me the b word and other stuff. Sorry if retard offense anyone at this point I'm desensitized. My dad talks bad about women. He talks badly about periods then ask e why I don't want to talk to him about it. He would get mad at me and then call me bipolar when I'm upset. He says I'm dumb and weak for self harming. He would always yell for hours then repeat it over again. He always targeted me. But I'm the one who dident want to talk bad about him. I'm the one who told my sister's not to us him for money. I'm the one that cooked for him that cleaned the house alone. I'm the one that listen to him drunk cry. I always tried to forgive him and try to see him as a better person. He abused my mom that's why she doesn't even like him. But I'm the only one that lived with him for four years and he still treats me different. He treat me and my other sister different. He cares about my half sisters more than me. They talk bad about my mom make her seem like a deadbeat but my mom takes care f us or tried by herself for years and he always helped my half sisters mom. He chooses my half sisters over me and my other sister. He called my sister many names like slut whore and stuff like that. I'm 15 by the way and my sister is 16. My half sister is 15 and my other half sister is 15. If anything happens he blame me and my sister's. Like the light cut off when we was cooking he blammed us. How the frick is that our fault. I can't remember all the stuff he did but he would say or do stuff that just makes me mad. He forced my sister and I to learn the amendments in 5th grade. I forced myself to learn but I forgot them again so that was a waist. I got blammed for everything he always believe my younger sister over me. I've seen him drunk many times he almost shot my cousin in front of me. He was drunk and tried to makey sister get in the car with him. I asked him not to drink on my birthday he got mad. But he was nice at times. He took us out to eat he bought us clothes. But that's the bare minimum. To get us clothes and give us food. But he took us to six flags which was fun. He buys us stuff like computers and other stuff. I know all this sounds ungrateful and dramatic but he makes me so angry I want to hurt him or myself I've thought about it when I was younger but I don't anymore. But is he abusive or am I just dramatic? Sorry this honestly became a rant/vent but I don't like that men.

The strategy here is to use the GB and WT words against them and also use the Bible as an authority. You’ll force them to say they don’t believe the GB or the Bible if they try to criticize you.
“Do you believe the GB is the faithful slave?” They don’t know who the faithful slave is and neither do you. It’s been identified as 5 different people or groups over the years. CT Russel was first, JFK Rutherford and the corporate members next, the 144,000, the part of the 144,000 that is teaching the other part, then just the GB. Will it change again in a minute? If it was clear, there wouldn’t be a need to change it.
I’m not apostate for believing whats true and believing the Bible. If I was to say what’s in the WT now 10 years ago, I’d be apostate. If in 10 years form now I said what’s in the WT now, I’d be apostate. I’ll just stick with what the Bible says and not get too fancy.
I believe jeffrey winder when he says the GB are not inspired and make mistakes. Also when the Bible says each one should carry his own load. I’m not inspired either. But I’m the one who has to bear the consequences for my decisions.
“Do you report service time?” I talk about the Bible as much now as I ever did. [i criticize it as being stupid but I’m not saying that.] I’ll report time when the Bible says to.
Several WT article and videos say you are to blame if you suffer the consequences of believing the WT and later it was revealed Jehovah never cared about that. It says that people who believed what they heard at the conventions and COs about 1975 are you own fault for fixating on dates. It says brothers who spent 12 years in prison over civilian service in Greece should be grateful they spent time in jail after new light said it wasn’t necessary. [See my post history] I’m just taking responsibility for my own actions. Would hate to make a decision based on new light, then suffer consequences, then be told it was my own fault when the new light was changed again. Lots of people died from refusing organ transplants and lots of brothers went to prison when they didn’t need to.
I trust Bible words over Bible principles. Bible words don’t change. Bible principles say beards are bad and also says they’re good. It’s too confusing. I’ll just stick with with the Bible says. Hard to know for sure what music or dancing or medicine God hates. He probably doesn’t hate a lot of stuff we’re told he does.
If the Bible says I can’t do it, I’ll obey, if it doesn’t say that, I’ll assume it’s probably fine.
David Splane said we shouldn’t be applying anything in an antitypical manner unless the Bible specifically says to do that. The 2560 days was used to show the end of the world a lot of times. Not sure why it’s even being applied in an antitypical way.
I don’t think anyone knows who the king of the north is. It is “evidently” one country and then later it is “evidently” another country. Just hard to know.
The WT says there are people who pretend to be anointed. I have no idea and neither do you if anyone is or not.
The generation is 110 years old now. I guess I can just live my life and Jehovah sort out the end of the world.
David Splane said to check the facts regarding negative stories so I did. I watched Geoffrey Jackson testify and read the transcripts f the court cases. The states website isn’t apostate and the court transcripts aren’t taken out of context.
What did you find?
Geoffrey Jackson said JWs weren’t god’s spokesperson right in in court, which was surprising. I’d think he would use that opportunity to give a bold witness. The WT lawyer in Canada said family relations continue normally when someone is Daft and they don’t shun. Brother elder in noweigh said JWs don’t DF minors and that JWs don’t shun. The next days they showed a video instructing the congregations how to shun and how thorough it should be. I don’t think the lawyers care about stopping the preaching. They just don’t want kids being shunned. It wasn’t a good look seeing away lawyers say we don’t shun at all and then seeing a video by the organization showing that shunning needs to be absolute.
Show me in the Bible where it says it’s wrong.
If the new light is loving and scriptural, what was the old light?
I obey God as ruler rather than men.
It seems like a conflict of interest to say after all our research and prayer we humbly conclude we are the faithful slave and you need to do everything we say even if we make mistakes.
The current two tiered DF arrangement is the same as it was in 1974. It was changed in 1980 when ray Franz wrote his book and is not back to 1974 level after the court loss in Norway. Jehovah is very sensitive to current events it seems.
People who are DFd aren’t suffering the consequences of their own actions. Mark Sanderson said the Bible never said people should be shunned over immorality or for any other reason other than being the Antichrist and dying Jesus never came in the flesh. Means those people suffered a lot more than the Bible wanted them to. It wasn’t their choice. I believe mark Sanderson on this. Lots people committed suicide when they were treated like the Antichrist.
The Bible only says to DF for denying Jesus came in the flesh. Like atheist maybe. You can be DF’d for 33 things. You think a guy who smokes deserves to never speak to his grandchildren ever again? What didnt Jehovah just say that? You think a married people should be treated like the Antichrist because they do oral sex? They’re married. What difference does it make what they do naked? Show me that in the Bible.
The Bible doesn’t say to talk to the elders. It doesnt talk about judicial committees. A pdf says that. Not the Bible.
I obey God as ruler rather than men. I’m loyal to God.
“1914 doesn’t matter. We never preach about that” 1914 is linked to 1919. If 1914 doesn’t matter, what happened in 1919? [This is when John measured the temple and said Rutherfords hostile take over of a lucrative printing company was when Jesus picked the one true religion.]
The last days started in 1799 and 1874 and 1914. I can’t keep up. I’m going to college and I’ll let Jehovah sort the rest out.
“This is the only religion that checks all the boxes WT has made for itself.” This religion checks those boxes too.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iglesia_ni_Cristo
Established in 1914, the leadership is anointed, they preach, international, no trinity, no hellfire, no Christmas, no birthdays, full water immersion after studying, no infant baptism, and they disfellowship.

im confessingnthat ive made some mistakes in life that i cant repent for, i wanted to name my future daughter as my first crush which isnundoubtedly terrible and i regret everything i regret of even thinking that i liednto my wife about greeting my ex happy birthday because i didnt want to start a commotion but i still lied i still lied i still betrayed her i gave her answers eveyrgkngn but thn my wife said her ex was better than me because he provided drugs for her my wife kept berating me even though she already saw me first-hand breaking down crying i was so pathetic in front of her yet she did not hold me one bit she didnt givebme any warmth my wife was watching other men's things while fully knowing she has me my wife always berated me for crying my wife knows every word andphrase and sentence that will break me down i never received a proper answer on why shed do thosenthings shenonly ever glossed over them and or told me tk suck it up or it wasnjust unimportant how is it unimportant my wife wants to leave me now she messaged me thatnshe wants to leave me and that i should never talk to her again shes blocked me everywhere shes left me but i stjll love her i still love her with all ofnmy heart i will never stop loving her i love her foreverm i made a promise to her my lovd my wife my life i made a promisento her that id never leave her no matter what ithat id alwaysnbe there i still love her nothings gonna change my love for her i love her i want to spend the rest ofnmy time still with her i love her so much i lovenher down from top to bottom i love every quality about her i dont want her tk leave why is she doing this to me i dont want her to ever leave me i dont knownhow to end this statement ill still love hernbecause i made a promisenthat ill alwaysnlove her i cant ascertain if i want t continue on i dont want t stop loving her but i need ohter peoples verdicts

The strategy here is to use the GB and WT words against them and also use the Bible as an authority. You’ll force them to say they don’t believe the GB or the Bible if they try to criticize you.
“Do you believe the GB is the faithful slave?” They don’t know who the faithful slave is and neither do you. It’s been identified as 5 different people or groups over the years. CT Russel was first, JFK Rutherford and the corporate members next, the 144,000, the part of the 144,000 that is teaching the other part, then just the GB. Will it change again in a minute? If it was clear, there wouldn’t be a need to change it.
I’m not apostate for believing whats true and believing the Bible. If I was to say what’s in the WT now 10 years ago, I’d be apostate. If in 10 years form now I said what’s in the WT now, I’d be apostate. I’ll just stick with what the Bible says and not get too fancy.
I believe jeffrey winder when he says the GB are not inspired and make mistakes. Also when the Bible says each one should carry his own load. I’m not inspired either. But I’m the one who has to bear the consequences for my decisions.
“Do you report service time?” I talk about the Bible as much now as I ever did. [i criticize it as being stupid but I’m not saying that.] I’ll report time when the Bible says to.
Several WT article and videos say you are to blame if you suffer the consequences of believing the WT and later it was revealed Jehovah never cared about that. It says that people who believed what they heard at the conventions and COs about 1975 are you own fault for fixating on dates. It says brothers who spent 12 years in prison over civilian service in Greece should be grateful they spent time in jail after new light said it wasn’t necessary. [See my post history] I’m just taking responsibility for my own actions. Would hate to make a decision based on new light, then suffer consequences, then be told it was my own fault when the new light was changed again. Lots of people died from refusing organ transplants and lots of brothers went to prison when they didn’t need to.
I trust Bible words over Bible principles. Bible words don’t change. Bible principles say beards are bad and also says they’re good. It’s too confusing. I’ll just stick with with the Bible says. Hard to know for sure what music or dancing or medicine God hates. He probably doesn’t hate a lot of stuff we’re told he does.
If the Bible says I can’t do it, I’ll obey, if it doesn’t say that, I’ll assume it’s probably fine.
David Splane said we shouldn’t be applying anything in an antitypical manner unless the Bible specifically says to do that. The 2560 days was used to show the end of the world a lot of times. Not sure why it’s even being applied in an antitypical way.
I don’t think anyone knows who the king of the north is. It is “evidently” one country and then later it is “evidently” another country. Just hard to know.
The WT says there are people who pretend to be anointed. I have no idea and neither do you if anyone is or not.
The generation is 110 years old now. I guess I can just live my life and Jehovah sort out the end of the world.
David Splane said to check the facts regarding negative stories so I did. I watched Geoffrey Jackson testify and read the transcripts f the court cases. The states website isn’t apostate and the court transcripts aren’t taken out of context.
What did you find?
Geoffrey Jackson said JWs weren’t god’s spokesperson right in in court, which was surprising. I’d think he would use that opportunity to give a bold witness. The WT lawyer in Canada said family relations continue normally when someone is Daft and they don’t shun. Brother elder in noweigh said JWs don’t DF minors and that JWs don’t shun. The next days they showed a video instructing the co gregarious how to shun and how thorough it should be. I don’t think the lawyers care about stopping the preaching. They just don’t want kids being shunned. It wasn’t a good look.
Show me in the Bible where it says it’s wrong.
If the new light is loving and scriptural, what was the old light?
I obey God as ruler rather than men.
It seems like a conflict of interest to say after all our research and prayer we humbly conclude we are the faithful slave and you need to do everything we say even if we make mistakes.
The current two tiered DF arrangement is the same as it was in 1974. It was changed in 1980 when ray Franz wrote his book and is not back to 1974 level after the court loss in Norway. Jehovah is very sensitive to current events it seems.
People who are DFd aren’t suffering the consequences of their own actions. Mark Sanderson said the Bible never said people should be shunned over immorality or for any other reason other than being the Antichrist and dying Jesus never came in the flesh. Means those people suffered a lot more than the Bible wanted them to. It wasn’t their choice. I believe mark Sanderson on this. Lots people committed suicide when they were treated like the Antichrist.
The Bible only says to DF for denying Jesus came in the flesh. Like atheist maybe. You can be DF’d for 33 things. You think a guy who smokes deserves to never speak to his grandchildren ever again? What didnt Jehovah just say that? You think a married people should be treated like the Antichrist because they do oral sex? They’re married. What difference does it make what they do naked? Show me that in the Bible.
The Bible doesn’t say to talk to the elders. It doesnt talk about judicial committees. A pdf says that. Not the Bible.
I obey God as ruler rather than men. I’m loyal to God.
“1914 doesn’t matter. We never preach about that” 1914 is linked to 1919. If 1914 doesn’t matter, what happened in 1919? [This is when John measured the temple and said Rutherfords hostile take over of a lucrative printing company was when Jesus picked the one true religion.]
The last days started in 1799 and 1874 and 1914. I can’t keep up. I’m going to college and I’ll let Jehovah sort the rest out.
“This is the only religion that checks all the boxes WT has made for itself.” This religion checks those boxes too.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iglesia_ni_Cristo
Established in 1914, the leadership is anointed, they preach, international, no trinity, no hellfire, no Christmas, no birthdays, full water immersion after studying, no infant baptism, and they disfellowship.
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