Love analogy i miss you

So my mental health is thin anyways. I've known this.
Everyone I love is fighting. So one of my closest friends from another Church, her husband ran away with someone else from the Church.
I lost my brother to cancer a few years ago. There was no reason for him to have cancer. Then my Mom got breast cancer two years ago. It came back. But she's clear now. My best friend's mom has stage 4 cancer. So many people have died lately. Mire than this. And sick. My aunt is in the hospital. Umm yeah. I feel like the more I talk about all this the more crazy I feel.
If you can think of an area of life where you would have pressure. I have it.
I started missing sleep last summer I think it was. Well maybe before that. The itching started. On and off at night. I couldn't sleep. I itched like crazy. I got up and would put lotion on. I started waiting to take my allergy medicine with supper.
After a while I figured it was psychological. Umm.. I have this one stuffed animal my Mom bought me as a suprise recently. Weirdly if I can purmt my arms around that at night, the itching goes away. Most times.
This year the sleeplessness got worse. Umm early spring I think. I just literally couldn't sleep. It was miserable. It wasn't just the itchiness either. I was exhausted. My body craved sleep, but it would not shut off when I went to lay down. Melatonin wouldn't help.
I'm depressed I think. Undiagnosed. I told my Dad that I don't feel happiness anymore. I feel like I'm in panic mode waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I feel like everything is an act.I don't do things to bring me joy. I'm not lazy. I can't stand to see people hurting and nothing I can do. I want to help other people. I can't scrub an entire bathroom with a toothbrush. But for me I don't care. When I'm feeling good enough where I do something for me I do them to distract me.
But I told him that I prayed about it and that God had been giving me good thoughts lately. I felt like my mind was being flooded with good things. Good memories.
I didnt tell him this, but I had been feeling like I'm on autopilot. Just stopped living. Waiting to get to heaven to see my brother again. I was thinking thag this wast right. And God was helping me. But I was feeling better for a bit.
Then he started preaching about how God told us to be happy. And choosing happiness. And not wallowing in self pity. Every Sunday. And praying in public that we wouldn't proud be sorry slobs wallowing in self pity. Yet he denies it was about me.
So I get migraines every Sunday. And I'm not sleeping again and he knows it so probably he is going to preach on that today.
But in the midst of all this I found some friends online in gaming, and a guy that liked me, and we started spending time together. I started staying up late to play with him, and I thought the staying up late reset my sleep schedule. I could sleep again. We got close for a while. It wasn't serious but it was a friend I needed.
Well then in the midst of all this he started liking my friend better than me. She threw herself at him. I suspected, for a bit. Then confirmed. And I found them online together.
Anyways after this I started losing time. In the day. Like my bracelet broke. I came back to fix it the next night and it was repaired. I went into McDonald's and the cashier told me exactly what I wanted to order, and asked me if it was for here or to go. It scared me. I had no memory of telling him that.
Then I started not staying up so late, and my mind got better. But now I'm back to not sleeping good. I wake up at 3 am and lay awake. So I took melatonin, and it helped. I like took it 3 times over two weeks. 10mg.
Umm . . . Also I just wanted to sleep. And sometimes when it is working, like just before I fall to sleep, it almost feels like it kicks the serotonin in and I feel normal. I wanted that.
But then two nights ago I took it again. And I did not sleep. The next day man I was groggy. Confused. Like is my hand on the table or beside me. I could snap out of it, but I struggle. Then I got a good night's sleep, and felt a little normal. Then I started to write an email, and I was talking about my brother's death. I didn't want to.
Either my brain was still tired, or the melatonin is still in my system, but I got feeling confused again.
I'm awake at 1 am again. I still don't feel right in the head.

in love with memories not the person '21F'
Iam in a 6 year long relationship ( 5 years 8 months specifically). we have had several breakups before several, harsh, ugly what all u can even imagine, over the worst situations, over 3rd person, over lack of interest from his side, over some stupid mistakes, over disrespecting nature and name calling each other. i was just 15yo when i first met him, and now we both are 21 year old. i thought it will grow with age, i thought holding onto him no matter what with make us go stronger as we age into maturity, i thought we will always find a way. only to realize that what if what i did was just spending the best years of my youth forcing someone to love me, forcing someone to believe me that we are really meant for each other. we broke up in 2022 which was the longest till date, it happened as soon as our long distance started, it happened so quick, but still remained hard for me to believe, i went begging to him for almost for a month, i was pissed of by his behavior, i wanted him to love me, i wanted to marry him still and live with him, above all i wanted him to make his way back to me when i brokeup, but he didnt. How easy was it for him to let go of a 4 yo relationship? (that time it was 4 yrs). i prayed like hell to god to heal me, to return him to me again, to make me happy. he was my only person. i didn't even tell anyone about the breakup bcoz it took 1 whole month for me to believe that its actually over. i did what all i could have, i sent a post to him without even knowing his correct address.
yeah and in all these 48 days i didn't even receive a single text from him, not even a single!!!!
cut short to 2 days before my bday. lol he came back, only for me to know that he came under the influence of weed.--- this i got to know 2 days ago that he came under heavy dosage of weed that time.
we again brokeup during my exams. this breakup went for 11 long days, i made myself very firm that he is not coming back. infact i told everyone this time becoz i didnt want to let my gaurd down and let him mentally trouble me again. this whole time i was unaware about the addiction he has got into, i was fucking unaware that he has been lying to me all the time. he came back and confessed to me that he used to smoke almost every other fucking night telling me goodnight. he used to miss his exams and come back to me and tell me how it went, used to tell me that his exams arent going well and i used to console him over it, all liessss everything fake
he called me fake, called me a manipulator, called me a victimizer. only for him to realize that whatever he told me was all those things that he already have become. i wasnt any of them, he was!!!
i promised myself that i wont fall prey to it again. it was the time during my exams and i didnt want to make a rucuss out of it. i just wanted peace whatever it takes. so i decided to be calm and show and express my anger , my emotions, my disappointed over his lies after few days. but i failed again. idk how many times god will let me fail until i get detached completely, until it didnt have the power to hurt me ever again. but if its him, god how can i not love to get hurt a thousands time from him over and over again.
he promised to not take me for granted, little did i know that he already started taking me for granted just bcoz i was being calm (due to my final sem exams) he must have took me for granted on the 4th day of coming back itself. we cried over texts we chatted late night, i did care for him more than my exams knowing i coukd even fail tomorrow. when i got the truth i thought the only person in this world who could bring him out of this darkness is me, i didnt care if he ruined my exams by leaving, i still didnt leave his hand, held it tighter than before if it meant that he could change, he could leave his addiction.
its been 26 days since out patchup, and i find myself here, crying for his efforts, for the promises he made that he wont leave me if we breakup, he promised me that and yesterday he said fuck it iam not coming back to you if we breakup now. how am i supposed to believe?? i got panic attacks, i got sick, iam going for therapy session starting next week, i got my BP and heart rate checked, am sitting and doing coping mechanisms to deal with this, i cannot sleep whole night, i got bad anxiety, i dont even talk to anyone, i dont like the things i used to. he doesnt give a fuck how iam, he doesnt give a fuck abt my tears. least bothered.
now iam forced to think that he just needs me for his needs to be fulfilled becoz he knew only i can be that dumb to support him at his lowest. now i think its all attraction from his side, now iam forced to believe that i just go back to him bcoz of the memories i shared all these years and not bcoz of the person he is right now,the person he has become right now. his unability to prove me wrong, his unability to reassure me, his unability to do the things i asked him to do for me, his unability to seek forgivness is just making me more and more sure day by day

I hope you are well. I hope you are happier if you’re with someone new. I hope someone treats you with gentleness and kindness just like the way you treated me

In 3 days 89th birthday mo na sana. By this time, dapat nasa salon na tayo to refresh your curls and hair color despite your endless protests kasi mahal. Hehe! Let me treat you on your birthday, Lola. I miss you terribly, sana you visit me kahit sa panaginip lang. Palagi kong pinapanuod yung videos mo kasi I’m scared na baka makalimutan ko yung boses mo. I wish I took so much more videos of you. I love you so much that it still hurts now that you’re gone. Advance happy birthday Lola ko, bibili ako favorite cake mo kaso this time ako na lang kakain, wala na ko kashare.

I started teaching in 2008. I've primarily taught in title I schools. 3 states, urban and rural. I hit a wall and had enough this year.
I'm expecting my 4th child in August. My oldest will also be a senior. My kids told me this year, their entire school career revolved around my students. We often stayed late (I did cut back this past school year) and they had to play on the playground or hang out in my classroom until I finished lesson planning or grading. I often volunteered for sports, clubs, PTO and other weekly commitments that required all of us to stay until 6/7 PM.
On top of that, some parents have (in the past 5 years) become insufferable. I'm tired of getting yelled at and accused of things by parents who are regularly tardy, irresponsible, in trouble in the community ( i.e. arrested/court) and don't even bother to call their students absences in (30-80 unexcused absences). It's some how my fault their kid is behind, despite not attending school regularly, not turning in homework, not completing their classwork or attending required/encouraged school events (like free tutoring, literacy night or after school programs) that would support them. I also had enough of getting cussed out and hit by students without consequence (I teach elementary) because it's more important for them to be in class (disrupting everyone and displaying agression) than it is for them to be at home.
I've had some great parents over the years. I've even had old students come to me and tell me what a great teacher I was. I still have students I run into that are older and give me hugs. This year I had several in my class and their parents love that I go the extra mile. I went to college for this and wanted to "be the change." Last month at an event there were 2 past parents that told staff how amazing I was with their kids and they missed me working with their kids. But I think with everything else my heart is broken.
My family and I decided that I will be a SAHM (for the 1st time ever, I've worked since I was a teenager) and homeschool through kindergarten. We're also debating if I should homeschool my 3rd grader, since I'm licensed preschool to 3rd and have an MA. We're leaving the older 2 in school so they can do sports and get the full experience. I'll also finally be able to make their school events, PTC (because El, Mid & HS do theirs all the same day in my district and I worked before), class parties and awards.
My kids are happy. I'm a little sad. It's bittersweet. I used to love my job. I liked dressing up, decorating and doing themes- I was that elementary teacher. But my own children need me and I'm not subject to verbal or physical attacks at home.
One mom this year told me she didn't care I was pregnant (because I had OB appointments and had subs) and accused me of not doing enough for her child, then reported me to admin (they did back me up and found out she was lying via conflicting messages and information on her part) but she didn't have to insult and yell at me in front of students. I'm always open to talking with parents after school and am super nice. Admin told me not to take it personal, because she's had issues with other staff but it was so crushing to hear what she was saying, I'd never talk to anyone like that. The last 3 years, I've come home crying several times.
Is this anyone else's last year? How do you feel? It's so hard to walk away, on one hand, but such a relief, on the other. How did you cope with leaving?

I was rewatching TLOU just now, and something just reentered my mind, but the way Bill and Frank’s relationship formed seemed kinda odd to me?
Like did I miss the signs or did it seem like it was so rushed? The whole time I thought Bill was just on edge of having a stranger in his house.
I loved seeing their relationship grow throughout the years but the beginning kinda stunned me! Like at least sleep in the guest room before you drop your trousers Frankie 🤨
IDK. I don’t even understand one night stands, so maybe them getting together even when they don’t know each other is what weirded me out? And Bill looked hella uncomfortable the whole time.
Maybe he was just in need of a companion after so long of being isolated.
But, I understand it’s probably difficult to portray them getting to know each other properly in the span of one episode.
Overall I really enjoyed that episode and seeing how Bill and Joel interacted LOL
So is it just me who felt a bit caught off guard?

So I took my first road trip with the M3LR. I have had for 1 months. I love this car, it’s the end of a 2 year plan to purchase a Tesla. So I was beyond happy with the 250 mile trip I took. Navigation planning and trip battery % estimates were extremely accurate. While at my destination I received my 30 day FSD trial. Sooooo why not give it a whirl on the return trip. I was actually impressed with most of the decisions the car made. I had 2 instances where it did mess up.

1. Missed an off ramp and added 6 miles to the the drive. Forgivable as there was a lot of construction with multiple lines present at exit.
   
2. This one was different, a semi truck started to come into my lane (left) on a two lane freeway. The car blinked red on the right side camera, but took no evasive action. I had to steer left as the semi drifted over the white line and accelerate to get ahead of his drifting. Speed limit 80mph and I hit 94. At which time the the car blinked red at my speed and disables FSD for the trip. Not sure what the car would have done had I not taken over, but I felt like for my safety that I had too.
   

Not sure I would use this in city traffic, outside of this 2 instances it was a dream. So I guess FSD supervised is just. 95% of the time it’s perfect, but be ready for the 5% that you know more than the AI.
Looking forward to many more trips on this car, outside of my daily 60 mile commute.

Burner for privacy. I have anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, and depression. I’ve been on meds for over 20 years, usually SSRIs.
Every five to ten years the meds stop working and I have to work with a psychiatrist to find a new solution – but we’re always able find something that works.
A few years ago, I needed the reboot on my meds and, for the first time ever, a benzo was added to my daily SSRI. We went through a few before we landed on one that didn’t have any sedating effects on me – I ended up with a daily SSRI combined with 1mg of clonazepam 2x daily, and that’s what I’ve been on for years.
I don’t drink (ever, not even an occasional beer or cocktail) and other than occasional weed (very occasional – unless I’m in a really good place mentally, I just end up having a panic attack) I’ve never done a “drug” in my life. (I’m not judging anyone who has used benzos – or any other drug – recreationally; I’m only sharing because it provides context for my specific situation.)
My use of clonazepam is purely therapeutic and even in the beginning, I never felt anything that seemed like “hey, I get why people use this recreationally!” There was no “high” for me – just slowly my panic attacks and other symptoms started to subside, similar to the gradual improvement that an SSRI provides.
At this point, I know that it’s unlikely that the clonazepam is even doing anything for me – I know tolerance builds up quickly and my dose has never increased, so this is probably just a maintenance dose that I’m taking.
I recently moved and along with that move came a new psychiatrist. The new psychiatrist wants me off of the clonazepam, primarily because of the increased risk of early onset dementia (which I also looked into and it seems like the research isn’t conclusive and this might be a correlation doesn’t equal causation thing).
Despite that, I’m not opposed to removing clonazepam from my medication, especially since I know that it’s probably not even doing anything at this point, considering tolerance etc…
My psychiatrist wants to move me from clonazepam to diazepam (Valium) and begin a low and slow taper of at least nine months. I was looking into this and it sounds like his plan is to use the Ashton Manual, although he never said as much.
I’m diligent with my meds – I have a pill box I fill up weekly and I rarely miss a dose, but on the off chance that I do miss a dose, I’ve never had a “craving” for clonazepam or a feeling of mental addiction – I usually notice a missed dose only after more than 48 hours has passed and it’s usually a headache that acts as my reminder. But, again, there’s no desire – it’s just like “what the hell is with this headache?… oh, crap, I forgot to take my meds the last couple of days.”
I know, logically, that my body is physically addicted to the meds but from an emotional standpoint, if someone said “I’m throwing the clonazepam away and you can never have it again!” my reaction would mostly be… 🤷‍♂️
…until I started looking into what the discontinuation process would be like!
At first, my primary concern was moving to diazepam because I didn’t want to feel groggy or sedated.
Now that I made the mistake of Googling this, I’m terrified that I’m going to have hallucinations, experience horrible body pains, go into a deep depression, have constant panic attacks, and maybe even have grand mal seizures – and that it could last for years even after the taper is done and the last pill has been taken?! WTF?!?!
Most of the info I’ve been able to find is from people who were using benzodiazepines recreationally (and at potentially far higher doses than me) and went cold turkey or did a fast (like one month) taper in rehab.
My dose (1mg 2x daily) isn’t “low” but it’s an average therapeutic dose. My taper is going to be long – at least nine months.
Is there anyone here that can speak to a very long, very slow, very gradual, medically-supervised taper and discontinuation? Is it possible to do this safely and with minimal side effects? (If it makes a difference, I’m more concerned about mental side effects than physical.)
If you have a success story or a good story, I’d love to hear it – especially if you’re comfortable providing details like what benzo it was, how many years you were on it, what dose you were on, and what your taper schedule was like.
If you have a horror story, no need to share – the internet is already full of those! I’m looking for some reassurance, not more panic attack fuel.
Thank you!

Burner for privacy. I have anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, and depression. I’ve been on meds for over 20 years, usually SSRIs.
Every five to ten years the meds stop working and I have to work with a psychiatrist to find a new solution – but we’re always able find something that works.
A few years ago, I needed the reboot on my meds and, for the first time ever, a benzo was added to my daily SSRI. We went through a few before we landed on one that didn’t have any sedating effects on me – I ended up with a daily SSRI combined with 1mg of clonazepam 2x daily, and that’s what I’ve been on for years.
I don’t drink (ever, not even an occasional beer or cocktail) and other than occasional weed (very occasional – unless I’m in a really good place mentally, I just end up having a panic attack) I’ve never done a “drug” in my life. (I’m not judging anyone who has used benzos – or any other drug – recreationally; I’m only sharing because it provides context for my specific situation.)
My use of clonazepam is purely therapeutic and even in the beginning, I never felt anything that seemed like “hey, I get why people use this recreationally!” There was no “high” for me – just slowly my panic attacks and other symptoms started to subside, similar to the gradual improvement that an SSRI provides.
At this point, I know that it’s unlikely that the clonazepam is even doing anything for me – I know tolerance builds up quickly and my dose has never increased, so this is probably just a maintenance dose that I’m taking.
I recently moved and along with that move came a new psychiatrist. The new psychiatrist wants me off of the clonazepam, primarily because of the increased risk of early onset dementia (which I also looked into and it seems like the research isn’t conclusive and this might be a correlation doesn’t equal causation thing).
Despite that, I’m not opposed to removing clonazepam from my medication, especially since I know that it’s probably not even doing anything at this point, considering tolerance etc…
My psychiatrist wants to move me from clonazepam to diazepam (Valium) and begin a low and slow taper of at least nine months. I was looking into this and it sounds like his plan is to use the Ashton Manual, although he never said as much.
I’m diligent with my meds – I have a pill box I fill up weekly and I rarely miss a dose, but on the off chance that I do miss a dose, I’ve never had a “craving” for clonazepam or a feeling of mental addiction – I usually notice a missed dose only after more than 48 hours has passed and it’s usually a headache that acts as my reminder. But, again, there’s no desire – it’s just like “what the hell is with this headache?… oh, crap, I forgot to take my meds the last couple of days.”
I know, logically, that my body is physically addicted to the meds but from an emotional standpoint, if someone said “I’m throwing the clonazepam away and you can never have it again!” my reaction would mostly be… 🤷‍♂️
…until I started looking into what the discontinuation process would be like!
At first, my primary concern was moving to diazepam because I didn’t want to feel groggy or sedated.
Now that I made the mistake of Googling this, I’m terrified that I’m going to have hallucinations, experience horrible body pains, go into a deep depression, have constant panic attacks, and maybe even have grand mal seizures – and that it could last for years even after the taper is done and the last pill has been taken?! WTF?!?!
Most of the info I’ve been able to find is from people who were using benzodiazepines recreationally (and at potentially far higher doses than me) and went cold turkey or did a fast (like one month) taper in rehab.
My dose (1mg 2x daily) isn’t “low” but it’s an average therapeutic dose. My taper is going to be long – at least nine months.
Is there anyone here that can speak to a very long, very slow, very gradual, medically-supervised taper and discontinuation? Is it possible to do this safely and with minimal side effects? (If it makes a difference, I’m more concerned about mental side effects than physical.)
If you have a success story or a good story, I’d love to hear it – especially if you’re comfortable providing details like what benzo it was, how many years you were on it, what dose you were on, and what your taper schedule was like.
If you have a horror story, no need to share – the internet is already full of those! I’m looking for some reassurance, not more panic attack fuel.
Thank you!

Edit: for me. Others can transition, sorry, I can't edit the title.
I can't ruin nearly all the relationships I have. I know online/Reddit loves to tell you, first thing, to just cut out people from your life. But people are complicated, my family may be a little transphobic, but they're still people I care genuinely about and vise versa. They'll still love me, but I hate how they'll see me. I have a trans relative and they care about him, but its such a swept-under-the-rug "issue" to them. Its wrong to them because we're christian. But he's still welcome.
People online love to act like new friends just drop out of the sky. I try deeply. I've just cut ties with a ton of my friends for their increasing toxicity over the years, and trust me, I'm not ready for round two.
With the stress I'm under already, I'm not ready to socially ostracize myself by transitioning in a very conservative state where my trans friend was almost killed.
As much as I'd love being a girl so much, and get so much dysphoria over not being one, I don't hate being a guy. I actually enjoy it to some extent, knowing there's stuff I'd miss about it if I did transition. I tolerate being this weird mix of a goofy effeminate dude who people sometimes 'mistake' for a woman. But it hurts me when I go clothing shopping or see a beautiful woman knowing I won't be that if I decide not to transition.
I've got two weeks before they start me on the 'hard stuff' A.K.A. spiro or progesterone or whatever, and I realize that this may be the worst mistake I ever make. And that terrifies me.
I'm barely into adulthood, I can't even get my own place yet with my paychecks. It feels a little soon to make such a life-defining permanent change I may regret forever. This is a whole lot bigger than a tattoo. Every trans person I know is miserable, not from transitioning, but the way it affects their lives and (platonic, familial, and romantic) relationships. Sadly, I'm scared I'll regret it if I don't. But I know HRT is best effective at younger ages, so I feel pressured to do this as early as possible.

Dear Starseeds,
I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. Even though it may feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, there are people who care about you deeply, I am one of them. You are unique and special individual’s, and your presence in this world is invaluable.
I understand that depression can make it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but please remember that there is always hope. As there is always hope embedded within us. Please reach out to those around you for support, whether it's friends, family, or professionals who can provide the help you need. You are not burdening them by sharing your pain; in fact, they would want to be there for you.
You are loved, always remember this, even if it may not feel like it at times. Your existence has touched the lives of those around you, and you have made a positive impact, even if you may not realize it. Your presence matters, and there is so much more for you to experience and achieve in this life.
Please take care of yourself and never hesitate to seek help when you need it. You have so much potential, and the world needs your unique light. As everyone shines in their own unique way. Remember, you are loved, and you will be missed, even if by just one person, I’m that one person :).
I'm really sorry to hear that some of you are feeling this way, but I hope my message of love and support can at least make your day.
Sending so much love right now to those who really need it! ❤️🦎
https://youtu.be/WLUEF4q32_E?si=m1SAH9LhKeZZzlgh

Tw:death
Please don’t share on any other platforms.
I’m 40f. The man I have been in love with every day for 2.5 years fell off the wagon while I was in the psych ward for suicidal ideations and untreated bipolar disorder.
He passed away last month. He fell and wasn’t breathing for over 10 minutes before anyone noticed. It was only him being an organ donor that put him on life support that meant that I got to see him and say goodbye, I didn’t get out of my own hospital stay until he had been on life support for days.
We missed each other like ships in the night. I was excited to show him all the progress that I had made and how much better of a partner I was going to be for us.
Because I was first in a psych ward then in a step down where they could work on finding me a place to live temporarily, I haven’t seen my friends or spoken to much of anyone in 2 months. The last few weeks we were given a privilege of “phone time” for 45 minutes every day where we weren’t supposed to text, everyone does anyway, and I spent that time texting him. He told me he loves me repeatedly. He can’t wait for us to go out and he’s going to hold me when we get to go to the movies together… it was just like it always had been.
The last text I got from him was that he had a new girl, he would always be there for me though. Then, silence. I thought he ghosted me, as I didn’t take the news well (think “we were on a break!” And “I’m still your girlfriend!” Etc)
Four days later I’m out, contact his mom about getting his car out of my name. She tells me she didn’t know how to get a hold of me, and what the situation is.
This was all a hectic 2 weeks or so ago. I spent all the time his family couldn’t being at the hospital so he wasn’t alone. Through ICU, pulling the plug, and watching his body fight for life for 3 extra days. He passed last week.
I’m staying at a temporary living place for 30 days from mid May when I got out, the function of which is to allow homeless to get the world spinning back under our feet again. Mine stopped, what feels like permanently, the day after I got here.
I went through his room, that was our room, in his parent’s house to collect some of my things. I couldn’t determine which notebooks were his and which were mine, so I ended up finding in his writing that he pitied me because of my disability, that all my venting (when I thought I was making him proud for how I was handling things) annoyed the shit out of him… that my depression made him prefer to live with a dung beetle than me. None of this was expressed ever. I feel like I’ve been gaslit like crazy, my internal barometer is shattered next to my heart and I no longer believe anyone who says they give a shit. That being said, I recognize now that I must mourn the person I thought he was, like mourning a character from a tv show after the actor dies.
I used to find motivation in fear, in needing to keep up with social needs. It fostered a 20 year career in IT and 6 figures living in a posh part of town before a disability came like a wrecking ball through my life.
I can’t make myself go back to the hospital where they will take my phone away and someone else I love might be dying.
I have applied for several jobs, but can’t face selling myself like I have to. I only have 2 weeks left here before I’m out in the street but I can’t make myself do anything that isn’t laying in bed, crying, maybe walking to fill the water jugs, then repeating that cycle. (I was working on a photo book for his elderly parents but I’m finding my limit of looking at his amazing face while I’m being given updates on where we are on the cremation process. It is too heartbreaking.)
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.
I don’t have anyone who can help me get on track, or who can help me keep going. He was my everything, my favourite person, my personal cheerleader. How am I supposed to put up a wall around that hurt, the broken barometer and matching heart, so I can try to be on the market for a job?

Hello r4r!
Ugh, the dread is on the horizon… I swear weekends aren’t long enough. When are we getting a three day weekend?!
Anyway! Its been a long few weeks tbh, I’ve been feeling a little meh and could do with some fun company and conversations to help improve my mood.
I guess I just miss that excitement when you’re talking to someone new, when you’re smiling at your phone every time they message, and you could genuinely talk all day and all night. High bar, I know - but that’s what I’d love to find!
So, a bit about me - I’m Kieran, 31, from England. I work as a team leader in market research, but tbh I don’t really enjoy it that much (just too much stress!) and am looking for other jobs whilst considering trying to get into politics longer term! I’m left-leaning if that’s important to you 😊
I do have two beautiful cats I can share alllll the pictures of with you, and I play guitar and sing (and do occasional YouTube/insta covers) so I can serenade you if you play your cards right 💁🏻‍♂️ I’m a bit of a nerd though, and love things like Nintendo games (Zelda is my fave), crosswords, political debate, WW2 documentaries, reading (mostly classic literature), and Lego, alongside music which is my biggest passion!
Always on the lookout for a new film or series to watch, even if my current watch list is probably more hours than I have left on earth, so feel free to share recommendations!
Drop me a chat request and say hi if you fancy talking! 😊

I recently left my girlfriend that I met when I was 16 (I'm 24 now) because she became increasingly distant over the last few months. It got to a point where she hadn't come to see me for almost 2 months, wouldn't say she missed me, refused to say I love you back (she never said it first), and consistently ignored my texts. I begged her for weeks to love me again and I tried every single possible thing I could do, I continued being loving and kind despite her shutting me out, I was making offers to see her, meet her somewhere or even just talk on the phone, I tried being very clear about how she was hurting me and none of it made any difference.
I broke down and started going to therapy and that didn't really help. My friends were telling me I deserved better and that I should leave her. Well I did, and now I feel so alone and I think I regret it. I'm not going to beg for her to take me back, but God I wish she was here in my bed, holding me and loving me again. I would've done anything for her and still to this day I don't understand why I wasn't enough for her, or why I was no longer worth her love. She even told me she wasn't the same person she used to be and it just broke my heart. It was like she was telling me that person who once loved me and was a sweet, considerate person no longer existed.
I'm alone now, I haven't hung out with my friends in months and I just don't know how to go on. I experienced all of highschool with her, my teens and my early 20s. My entire world revolved around her. It feels like she'll move on with some other guy pretty soon and that thought tears me apart. The thought of starting over with another girl, going through the first dates and feeling like they might judge me or something is just... terrible. I just want to be loved. I guess I just need to learn to be alone. I feel bitter. She took a piece of me that I'll never get back and now I'm a shell of the man I used to be. I guess I'm just hoping typing this out will help me process it better, idk. This world is cruel and idk how much longer I can live in it.

So I just finally finished LF a few days ago (after rotting on the library waitlist for months!), and I was really pleasantly surprised by the way Tanaka was written. Now part of that is just that I'm a big sucker - as both a reader and a writer - for taking apart characters who are irredeemable bastards and seeing what makes them tick. I was really curious to see other fans' takes on her, and it looks like she was pretty polarizing as a POV characters - some of you guys, like me, really loved to hate her (and maybe even dip a tentative toe into feeling sorry for her), and some of you just plain hated her (and that's fine - some people prefer being able to like their POV characters. I'm not one of those people). However, I haven't seen anyone really say much about the significance of her interest in (love of, really) art and art history. So I wanna talk a little about that.
The takes I've seen have largely come down to either, "It didn't fit with her character and felt really random," which I'm about to disagree with HARD, or "It served as a device to show that there was more to her that meets the eye, and that she could have gone down a completely different path." This one, I agree with, but I also think there's a lot more to it.
(1) So let's talk about why art history specifically. Why not something else seemingly 180 degrees away from being a Marine, like gardening or culinary science? As an artist who takes myself unapologetically seriously, I have had a lot of conversations with an artist friend of mine lately about the intimacy of art. Art is both an expression of individuality and a vehicle of profound, often terrifying, connection. The former is what Tanaka regards as the core of her being, while the latter is anathema to her. She is drawn to art precisely because it exists in a space of tension between her comfort zone and her deepest fears. It is the razor edge that she loves to walk.
I've said before that I think of art as a form of telepathy - you are trying to capture something inside your own mind and externalize it in a way that it is transmitted into the mind of another person. When Tanaka begins experiencing this very literally in a manner she can't control, it's her worst nightmare. But she loves art because it is a version of this that she can control. It's an outlet for her to fulfill the fundamentally human need for connection when it's never been safe (both literally and psychologically) for her to do so through any other means. She learned that as a child when she sought a hug and got a slap in the face instead.
A number of the art pieces she contemplates are emotionally intense. The Third Miko in particularly is memorable because it is a heavy piece, full of vulnerability and grief and dread. These are the kinds of pieces that not only did the artist have to rip themselves open and pour their soul into in order to produce, but the audience is required to do the same to some extent in order to fully experience them. Turning soul-crushing sadness into usable rage isn't alchemy - it's more like a refinement process; it takes a lot of energy, and there is a lot of waste runoff that still has to go somewhere. For Tanaka, that's where it goes. That's the safe place to put it. Inside of someone else's pain, where no one will ever know it's yours.
(2) The other thing I wanted to talk about hinges on a "blink and you miss it" detail that, for me at least, completely reframed the whole picture regarding the "two roads diverged" aspect of Tanaka's life, and that's the casually dropped revelation that she never actually had a choice in the first place. The way this was written, I'm absolutely certain it was a very deliberate choice by JSAC to undermine the assumptions we as readers had been previously led to make.
The "two roads" framing comes up explicitly three times in the book. The first time is in Chapter 24: "Tanaka hadn’t thought about that painting in decades, or about what a very different life she would have lived if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." The next mention is in Chapter 31, when Dr. Ahmadi is reviewing Tanaka's file. She says, "You refused an advanced scholarship in order to enlist." Both of these references frame it very explicitly as a choice. But then, a few pages later, it's revealed that it actually wasn't: "If Aunt Akari had let her study art history instead of enlisting in active service, where would she be right now? And who would be tracking down the high consul? What else—how many thousands of other things—would be different?" (emphasis mine).
This detail and the way it was just slipped in there actually made me feel terribly sad for her because it reveals that this was, in fact, never where she wanted to be at all. This is more a matter of interpretation, but my takeaway was that the whole thing about her preferring a repressive society might be less the truth and more of a narrative she tells herself because she has spent her entire life deprived of any kind of real agency. It's true that someone who has never experienced life outside a pressure cooker environment might experience a sort of psychological rapid decompression upon leaving that kind of environment (I'm reminded of the memoir The Girl With Seven Names, where the author's mother and brother can't adapt to life outside of North Korea and want to go back), but that's less about being naturally well-suited to it and more about being deeply and maybe irreversibly maladapted.
When Tanaka tells herself she loves life under the boot because it gives her something to push back against, she's making the best of a bad situation by pretending her lack of agency is actually just a really sophisticated form of agency. It's the same mentality that makes abuse victims blame themselves - because, in some ways, the version of events where you were totally helpless and at the mercy of others is more distressing than the version where you brought it upon yourself through your own choices and actions. Wanting (and presumably asking her aunt's permission) to study art history, only to be forced to enlist in the marines instead is just another variation of her reaching for a hug and getting a slap. It also made me wonder what was meant earlier by "if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." What does she tell herself she could have done differently to change a fate that was never in her hands to begin with?
TL;DR Tanaka loves art because it's the only way she can safely experience human connection, and it's implied she actually would have chosen to study art history if her aunt hadn't forced her to enlist.

Hi, I'm a 28F who subscribes to groups in poverty finance about budgeting topics as Im interested in being responsible with less than 3k earned per month. However, I've faced challenges. I'm living with my boyfriend and my son. we all get social security because we are both ND and also because Im a widowed mom. What I've learned about being ND in the low fixed income group is that your disabilities/mental health issues around your money will clash with your weird obsessive behaviors/interests and desires to spend your money on fun hobbies or self care/self-love practices. They are just asking for your ass to get dragged online and in person when you want or need advice in your personal finances and quality of life. I also struggle with communication skills and anxiety management about the subject or when I need help from charity. I also know these people don't know me or my autistic ADHD mind to make the right judgment call. I will assure you that my boyfriend and I have always paid our dues on time and never missed a bill like rent. Discretion spending, however, has been emotionally draining as our American COL is still high. Things like clothes, hobbies, transportation, and anything else in the mix of life are a burden of moral and financial debate. I get that we can't always afford everything, I'm not lacking intelligence there. Yes, I get government assistance. Yes, I do go to charites every week for things, and many staff members are angry about my autistic behaviors because the old church ladies never grew up with disabled women like me. My autistic mind gets depressed, worried, or even pissed off when I think about how my income isn't enough for going to work part time nor to support an upper middle class suburban life that I grew up with as a child in the 90s and my invisible disabilities are a barrier in getting better help. Not to mention, I can't drive, and Medicaid covered therapists who understand autism in adults are very rare to find. My last one was emotionally abusive to me, and it's hard to trust the health care that I get. I feel caught in a multi problem mess. Bottom line, I just need more help with emotionally dealing with it.

Me (21F) and this guy (M25) started dating in April. He is foreign, and I suppose in his country it's normal to move fast with relationships and love is measured by your tolerance. He told me (on the day we broke up) that he didn't think it was necessary to try to learn every thing about your partner. Because of this, there were a lot of fights between us because I felt that there wasn't a lot of attempt to 'listen' and understand my preferences with what made me uncomfortable/comfortable. I have never been in a relationship before and I don't think he has either. The relationship was filled with what I felt was pressure for me to dive right into doing things right away (sexual, being directly transparent with everything regardless of timing) without understanding the significance of having patience and developing a bond before doing those things. I'm not someone who moves fast in relationships, I easily become uncomfortable talking about and doing certain things right away. These are a few things out of many that made the dating experience extremely stressful.
"Anyway, we broke up at the beginning of May. I agreed to still be friends with him because in general we are both very intelligent and have bright futures ahead of us, so I thought maybe we would be better as friends (platonic only, no FWB. I don't do stuff like that). He's going to NYU for a year for his masters and asked me if there's still a chance for us. I said MAYBE if we both change and improve over the year, we can try to start over when he returns, BUT if he moves on and finds someone else while he's away I won't feel bad about it.
So now after we have been texting a little, he approached me about how the rate at which I text back, even though I explained that I have other things going on and how we are officially no longer together so there should be no expectation for the rate at which we reply to each other. I believe I was irritated because I didn't understand why he approached the way he did. He also knew explicitly about how I lost romantic feelings for him for the time being (there were more things done to me than to him).
He started off by saying: "I understand you've been busy at work but honestly, I find it fascinating, your persistence. I'm referring to you not responding to my texts. But there's only so much a guy can do"
"Me: Wow you really act so bothered by me not responding to your texts right away, good lord
"Him: Doesn't it show how much I miss you girl?
Basically, I didn't text him back for only five days before this conversation (we usually talk more frequently than that). He works full time, I'm doing stuff during the summer (class, volunteering, pre-health program). I have never been bothered by him not replying to me in a timely manner. I told him I still text him but I can't reply immediately all the time and "we are not a couple anymore so I can focus on other things and text you when I can". He said "Well, taking weeks before replies is revealing, but it's okay. Funnily, this is while on vacation. Guessing it'd be months long during the semester. lol. (we broke up about two weeks ago and have been texting since. The last time we talked was Monday)". He then said later "I literally told you I missed you three times, and you said you don't like me and have no feelings at all". I don't hate the dude at all it just didn't work out. But he clearly knows I've lost interest right now but yet still feels like he can complain about the rate at which I reply to him. He finished with saying "I didn't know I had to ask you to talk to me" and thanked me for my communication and my thoughts blah blah blah. He always acts so thankful for my responses after he says something that clearly sounds demanding and 'pin pointing' with assumptions. I told him how I already felt pressured in the relationship and now I feel pressured to reply at a certain pace.
"I just feel like if you aren't together anymore there shouldn't be any expectation for the other person to talk to you 24/7 especially if you need to take a much needed break or its clear the other person lost romantic feelings for you. Obviously if I agreed to be friends at the moment, I will talk to him in which I have been. Does it make sense to communicate more with him or stop completely? I feel like my response was realistic.
TL;DR; :My ex and I agreed to be platonic friends after we broke up after one month. He knows I lost feelings for him but started telling me that I dont reply to his text messages often enough. I told him two people who are not together anymore should not expect the other person to talk to them 24/7 because they can focus on other obligations but obviously if I said I'll be friends with him I'll communicate when I can. I feel like my rationale was realistic but I'm unsure..

Hello everyone. I can't thank you enough for all the help I've received here on this subreddit. I've taken your valuable advice and fixed a number of things, but I'm sure I'm still missing some things. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
--
Query
Dear [Agent],
Mark, a journalist who reports from troubled regions to make the world a better place, goes to Heaven after an untimely death. With all the comforts God has to offer, Mark grows increasingly frustrated with the lack of challenges. So when he discovers that Heaven has a therapy for unhappy souls like himself, he gives it a try. And Mark is horrified to learn that the therapy is the live-streaming of Hell's tortures, also known as Hellflix.
Worse, if Mark doesn't complete the therapy and become happy, he will be condemned to Hell. He gives in and becomes a voyeur of others' misery, but then he realizes that new Hellflix episodes are reruns. With the revelation that communication with Hell has been cut off, Heaven wants to find out what's going on. And fast, as its citizens—including Mark—are driven mad with curiosity and concern.
Mark, with his journalistic experience in the harsh conditions, is sent to investigate Hell, where he discovers a shocking truth. There has been a revolution, and now free, many sinners are seeking repentance. While Heaven exploits Hell's political divisions to send the guilty back to suffer, the revolutionists urge Mark to expose Hellflix's dark secrets and unite Hell. He will be eternally damned with billions of others if they fail, but Mark is up for the risk if he can make the world better. He just doesn't know which way to go—bring happiness back to Heaven or save Hell from eternal torment, especially when he doubts that the wicked can truly be redeemed.
ASCENSION TO HELL is an adult contemporary fantasy at 114,000 words, a standalone book that has series potential. It will appeal to those who enjoyed mystery aspect of paranormal realms as in SIGN HERE by Claudia Lux, and modern-day take on the conflict between Heaven and Hell as in THE LIBRARY OF THE UNWRITTEN by A.J. Hackwith.
[BIO] I specifically wrote to you due to [insert reason here]. I am happy to make the full manuscript available upon request and eagerly await your response.
Warm regards,
[Insert name]

First 300
Long was the line. But I won’t add some typical adverbs here, like unbelievably and infinitely, to emphasize the point. Well, it might make our hardship sound like that of people waiting in line for a new iPhone, and I hate to give you that impression. In truth, the real pain of the line came more from not knowing where it would end than from its length. The Line of the Dead moved forward, twisting and turning like a giant snake. And I, one of the countless scales clinging to its sinister and hideous body, could only wait in vain, no matter how fast it moved or how far it went.
Why did I not think of breaking free and running away, then? Before I tell you this, I must tell you about the six of us who endured the long wait together.
First up goes Lewis.
I was behind the line before the hot Spanish sun, reflected off the chrome bumper of the truck that had hit me, faded from sight. We were standing in a wasteland where the vast, desolate plain offered nothing but peculiar rocks on the distant horizon. I looked behind me to find a multitude of people, their numbers growing, perhaps wearing the same bewildered faces as mine. I hadn’t taken a single step, yet these people had already placed me in line and made me an inseparable part of it.
Then I looked forward again and met the black eyes of a handsome young man who must have died right before me. The man, whose name I would later learn was Lewis, was confused, angry, frustrated, and most of all, in love. There was enough will in his blazing eyes to kill me again if I had thwarted a certain goal of his. Not finding what he was looking for behind him, the man ran straight ahead.

My boyfriend (M17) broke up with me (F18) 6 days ago. I can't talk to him anymore. He was the person I talked about everything for one and a half years. He was my first everything. First relationship, first "I love you", first kiss.. So I'll spread my feelings, maybe it helps.
On Tuesday everything started normal, he kissed me in the morning and behaved like always. After school then he wrote me that he wanted to go on a walk with me.. In a nutshell, he broke up with me. Told me he didn't love me for a month. I cried a lot but now I'm just not really there. I haven't eaten much since that day and feel very bad, mentally and physically. We spent so much time together, I have no idea how to get rid of all the time. The time in my head, the time we had. I just want to forget. And the thought of him completely forgetting about me kills me. He doesn't care anymore. From one day to another I wasn't even a friend to him anymore. I was nothing. I ain't anything now and I feel like it When I think about the great time he has now I feel even worse because I feel like I'll never have a good time again. I'm a special person. I'm clingy and want to cuddle all the time. I'm not too good looking and a huge nerd. Not speaking about the failure of my now past relationship I fear that nobody will ever accept me the way I am. Because he did. He was the only person that ever accepted me completely. In his case I had no social batteries. I was always so comfortable with him. And even for him I was too much to love.
I never felt worse and I feel like my life ended. You don't have to tell me that my life continues. I already heard all of that a million times. But that doesn't change my feelings, sadly
Since some days I'm also very mad at him. That fact doesn't change my love, but it helps me to handle the pain. I'm ranting about past problems, he was just a child that isn't ready for a real relationship. I was. Maybe it was just too much for him. We talked about living together in the future, we had 'fun proposals' . On our 6 month anniversary he gave me a ring. I'm not wearing it anymore, my finger misses it a lot. Inside of it he put a I love you and on the outside our names. It was everything to me.
The fact that I lost him feels like a deeply loved family member died. But he decided to die for me. I hope I can kill my own love too soon.
Stay strong guys.

I (18F) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for almost six months now. We met at uni and things have been going great, and because we were close friends prior to dating, things have been moving pretty fast, and discussions of marriage have come up (nothing concrete, just beginning to think about our futures involving each other).
Here's my issue. His best friend, let's call her Chloe (19F), has been picking fights with him, and it's been causing problems between bf and I.
The first time I met Chloe was when my bf was home for the holidays, and we were on facetime. He stayed at her apartment, and she knocked on his door and he said he was on the phone with me. She started basically interviewing me to make sure I was "good enough" for him. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted to make a good impression, so I went with it.
When bf came back to school, Chloe started texting him about how he wasn't spending enough time texting/calling her and their other friends, and that she missed their "old friendship". He told her he would try harder for the sake of their friendship, and his friendships with the others. I even encouraged him to jump on their group facetimes if we were just doing homework in one of our rooms and not talking much.
During one such call, she (unaware I was there) "Hey [bf], you and your b*tch f*cked yet?" Bf immediately got uncomfortable and tried to correct her by saying "I have a beautiful, lovely gf", but she had already moved on from the question. Later, he texted her privately saying that he was uncomfortable with her calling me that, and she got defensive, saying she jokes like that about everyone, and that she was offended he would think she was serious about it.
After this interaction, I asked him more about her. Apparently, they both liked each other in high school, but decided they didn't want to ruin their friendship, and nothing came of it. Voicing my discomfort over this, bf said that he would talk to her about it.
Well, he talked to her, and she told him that he needed to manage his time better (he's working with more than full-time enrollment, a part-time job, research for our uni, and multiple extracurriculars, so most of his spare time does go to hanging out with me). Some of his other friends even defended him to her saying he rarely texted even back in high school, but she got upset with those friends, claiming that her and my bf were "best friends" so they wouldn't understand. My issue is that they weren't JUST best friends, they liked one another and easily could have dated if she said she wanted to.
I love my bf, and genuinely see a future with him, but it's so hard to be around him when most of our conversations are about whatever drama she decided to bring up that week, and frankly, I don't like watching him being treated so poorly by someone that claims to care about him. WIBTA for asking him to go little-to-no contact with her, or else I'll leave?