So my mental health is thin anyways. I've known this.
Everyone I love is fighting. So one of my closest friends from another Church, her husband ran away with someone else from the Church.
I lost my brother to cancer a few years ago. There was no reason for him to have cancer. Then my Mom got breast cancer two years ago. It came back. But she's clear now. My best friend's mom has stage 4 cancer. So many people have died lately. Mire than this. And sick. My aunt is in the hospital. Umm yeah. I feel like the more I talk about all this the more crazy I feel.
If you can think of an area of life where you would have pressure. I have it.
I started missing sleep last summer I think it was. Well maybe before that. The itching started. On and off at night. I couldn't sleep. I itched like crazy. I got up and would put lotion on. I started waiting to take my allergy medicine with supper.
After a while I figured it was psychological. Umm.. I have this one stuffed animal my Mom bought me as a suprise recently. Weirdly if I can purmt my arms around that at night, the itching goes away. Most times.
This year the sleeplessness got worse. Umm early spring I think. I just literally couldn't sleep. It was miserable. It wasn't just the itchiness either. I was exhausted. My body craved sleep, but it would not shut off when I went to lay down. Melatonin wouldn't help.
I'm depressed I think. Undiagnosed. I told my Dad that I don't feel happiness anymore. I feel like I'm in panic mode waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
I feel like everything is an act.I don't do things to bring me joy. I'm not lazy. I can't stand to see people hurting and nothing I can do. I want to help other people. I can't scrub an entire bathroom with a toothbrush. But for me I don't care. When I'm feeling good enough where I do something for me I do them to distract me.
But I told him that I prayed about it and that God had been giving me good thoughts lately. I felt like my mind was being flooded with good things. Good memories.
I didnt tell him this, but I had been feeling like I'm on autopilot. Just stopped living. Waiting to get to heaven to see my brother again. I was thinking thag this wast right. And God was helping me. But I was feeling better for a bit.
Then he started preaching about how God told us to be happy. And choosing happiness. And not wallowing in self pity. Every Sunday. And praying in public that we wouldn't proud be sorry slobs wallowing in self pity. Yet he denies it was about me.
So I get migraines every Sunday. And I'm not sleeping again and he knows it so probably he is going to preach on that today.
But in the midst of all this I found some friends online in gaming, and a guy that liked me, and we started spending time together. I started staying up late to play with him, and I thought the staying up late reset my sleep schedule. I could sleep again. We got close for a while. It wasn't serious but it was a friend I needed.
Well then in the midst of all this he started liking my friend better than me. She threw herself at him. I suspected, for a bit. Then confirmed. And I found them online together.
Anyways after this I started losing time. In the day. Like my bracelet broke. I came back to fix it the next night and it was repaired. I went into McDonald's and the cashier told me exactly what I wanted to order, and asked me if it was for here or to go. It scared me. I had no memory of telling him that.
Then I started not staying up so late, and my mind got better. But now I'm back to not sleeping good. I wake up at 3 am and lay awake. So I took melatonin, and it helped. I like took it 3 times over two weeks. 10mg.
Umm . . . Also I just wanted to sleep. And sometimes when it is working, like just before I fall to sleep, it almost feels like it kicks the serotonin in and I feel normal. I wanted that.
But then two nights ago I took it again. And I did not sleep. The next day man I was groggy. Confused. Like is my hand on the table or beside me. I could snap out of it, but I struggle. Then I got a good night's sleep, and felt a little normal. Then I started to write an email, and I was talking about my brother's death. I didn't want to.
Either my brain was still tired, or the melatonin is still in my system, but I got feeling confused again.
I'm awake at 1 am again. I still don't feel right in the head.

Hey Everyone! I came to realize pretty quickly that I did not have as much of this chapter planned out as I thought I did. Which explains why it took a little long to come out, but in the end I managed to create something that I was satisfied with. You may notice one key change, being that Oukirii’s Companion no longer has a defined name! You’re free to name it whatever you wish.
(Completed Chapter 2s: Thearnt, Taland, Pascal, Harmony, Crowson, Asherah, Oukirii)
Next Chapter 2: Orlando the Starseer
Oukirii the Hunter, Chapter 2: Recommended Level 26
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(The Journey So Far…)
Events along Oukirii’s first hunt created damage in her family.
Her father came to realize that she had no intention of become a strong hunter on her own.
Even if she knew that, Oukirii couldn’t answer the question “Then what do you want to be?”
One evening, she had a dream of world’s destruction. A prophet came by the following day and told her of the beasts she saw that night.
Oukirii volunteered to hunt the beasts down, in hopes that this journey would reveal her true purpose to her…
Oukirii and Her Companion set foot in Evercold. The first thing Oukirii notes is the cold air of the snowy region. “You alright boy?” She crouches down and pets her companion on the head. It makes a joyful cry. “Hansel should be around here right?” Oukirii continues “He probably knows where we should go to look for Snow Gem!”
She takes a few steps forward, “This town is— very different from Oakbright…” Oukirii looks down. “Alright, Let’s go find Hansel!”
You’d be prompted to look for Hansel

• Travel Banter: My Nickname (Oukirii and Orlando) “Hey Kirie.” Orlando tries to get her attention. Oukirii freaks out and Orlando apologizes. Oukirii goes on to explain that her dad always called her Kirie. “That Dimitrius man, right?” Orlando asks. Oukirii tells Orlando a bit more about her father, before finally saying to him “You can call me Kirie if you want to.” Orlando makes sure that’s alright with her, and Oukirii says that it’s perfectly fine.
  
• Travel Banter: A Roaring Sword (Oukirii and Crowson) Oukirii notices Crowson and asks “What are you doing Mr. Crowson!?” He tells her that he’s just giving his sword a polish. Oukirii says “It’s shinier now, you did a good job!” Crowson goes quiet. “I’ve heard it roar through the air when you swing it!” Oukirii continues. He replies “It does do that. Now let us proceed.” Oukirii wonders what the hurry is for, Crowson tries to come up with an excuse, and settles on using the cold weather.
  

“Heave Ho Suzie!” Someone’s voice calls out. Blanche, the owner of the Beast Ranch would be pulling on a large wagon filled with heavy crates. She’d look over at Oukirii.
(Blanche’s Dialogue will change depending on if you’ve visited the ranch prior. “You look familiar”/”Who’re you? A hunter?”)
Blanche would go on to explain that she’s here to pick up supplies. She notices Oukirii’s companion and hands her a bag of food before grabbing onto the wagon again. Suzie would give Oukirii a nod as they leave.
As Oukirii puts away the bag, She notices Hansel standing near the path that Blanche and Suzie went along. Oukirii runs over to Hansel and tells him that she’s ready to take on Snow Gem.
Hansel is glad to hear it. He would tell Oukirii that this beast has been terrorizing the citizens of Evercold for a long time. “Hunting Snow Gem is not only important for our own sun-saving mission. It’s for the relief of all these people right here.”
“Well I’ll have to do my best then!”
“I believe in you Oukirii. I really do.”
Oukirii would walk away from Hansel and you’d head further into town. Oukirii suddenly hears the sound of someone shouting “No, Not again!” Her companion points his nose in the direction of the shouting and a curious Oukirii runs over to find a girl standing outside of her home. She asks if something’s wrong and the girl tells her that she lost a book she borrowed from the town’s library.
Oukirii volunteers to help look, the girl just laughs loudly “It’s nowhere I can find, best of luck to you kid!”
“Hey!” Oukirii shouts. “I’ll find that book… Just you wait…”
Before leaving, she asks for the girl’s name. She answers “Valerie, why do you need to know?” Oukirii says that it’s just in case she wrote her name in the book. “Suppose I– Fair point?” Valerie responds.
You’d Entreat Valerie’s Book from a customer by Evercold’s Night Market.

• Travel Banter: Valerie’s Missing Book (Oukirii and Asherah) Asherah remarks that Valerie must be extremely forgetful. But it’s hard not to feel bad for her. Oukirii says that it’s a good thing they showed up when they did, “Right, Helping people.” Asherah says. “Let’s just hope this pays off somehow.” Oukirii tells her that it will pay off in some way, Asherah asks “Do you believe in that sort of thing?” Oukirii says “Of course I do! Well— not if you don’t believe enough with me!”

Oukirii returns to Valerie and hands her the book. Valerie acts surprised as she flips through the pages. She sighs and puts the book away, saying she needs a tea break, she invites Oukirii to join. Sheaccepts and the two would enter Valerie’s home.
Oukirii’s companion lies down on the floor. Valerie apologizes for acting like she did, and Oukirii forgives her immediately. She notices some tools on the wall and asks what those are for. Valerie says those are for her toolsmithing job. However, she wonders if that job is something even worth continuing. “Just doesn’t feel like my ‘right thing’.”
Oukirii gets to thinking. Being so young, she doesn’t fully understand what Valerie is saying. But she gets a better understanding by connecting it to finding her own purpose. It's hard to tell if she did the “right thing” by fleeing to complete this mission…
A Flashback occurs, A young Oukirii sits waiting in the living room while her mother and father try to make her look her best. The door opens, and somebody walks inside. Antànor Solana, Oukirii’s Grandfather. Dimitrius happily greets him, Antànor doesn’t say anything, But does the same to his son. He shakes Catalina’s hand and pats Oukirii on the head while facing away from her. He and Dimitrius walk forward, chatting about their hunts. Oukirii tries to shout something to her grandfather, but he doesn’t hear her…
After she and Valerie finish talking, Oukirii says that she’s off to hunt a beast. She describes Snow Gem to Valerie, who says “I’ve never heard of anything like that before…” Valerie tells Oukirii to wait up and grabs a hatchet from the wall, she says that she’ll be coming to hunt this thing too. She won’t let someone like her fight a beast unsupervised.

• Travel Banter: Dance Lessons (Oukirii and Harmony) Oukirii is lost in thought, Harmony gets her attention and offers to let her try out something new, Dancing! Wondering if it will help her find something to be passionate about. Oukirii doesn’t know what to think, Harmony talks with her about what it would be like to be a dancer. Oukirii says that stardom doesn’t sound like something she wants to strive for, but thanks Harmony for talking to her about her purpose in an uplifting way.

Road to Deepshiver Cave, Danger Level 26
As Oukirii and Valerie walk, The ground begins to shake. They stop and stand still, Valerie asks “Did you feel that?” Oukirii wonders if the rumbling came from Snow Gem. Suddenly, the ground cracks underneath them. Sending Oukirii and her companion falling underground.
Oukirii is lying on the ground in a patch of snow. Her companion tries to wake her, Oukirii jolts up and looks around. “Thank the sun! Where’s Valerie?” Oukirii stands up after petting her companion. “This… Snow Gem… It must be…” She shakes her head.
Deepshiver Cave, Danger Level 27

• Travel Banter: Rough Landing! (Oukirii and Taland) “Agh…” Taland sounds in pain. Oukirii asks if he’s hurt. He replies “Who, Me? Not at all. It was like landing on a pillow! I did pull a muscle, but I’m more worried about you little sis.” Oukirii wonders “Huh? I’m not hurt.” Taland is ready to accept the answer until he points out her shivering. “You must have snow on ya still.” He teaches Oukirii to shake the snow out. Before they’re both ready to continue on.

Further into the cave, Oukirii would run into Valerie. Who is revealed to have taken the normal way in. Slightly further to the end of the tunnels, They get their first look at the “Snow Gem” beast. A large quadruped creature with blank eyes and a strong shell covered in ice and snow. Oukirii is shaken at the sight of it. Valerie calls out “What is that thing!?”
“Stand back Valerie!” Oukirii and her companion step up, ready to confront the beast. “This is what I was made for… I won’t let you bring destruction to this world! Come on Snow Gem– It’s all over now!!”
BOSS: Snowradillo
(Boost Dialogue: “Here goes nothing!”)
Valerie dashes in and finishes off the beast with a large chop. It creates a strong wind as it fades away into nothing… “We did it!” Oukirii quietly says “That’s one down…” Valerie asks if Oukirii is alright, She says that she doesn’t know and explains that “I… I wish I could have known more about it. They say a hunter is supposed to read the hearts of all creatures they hunt. But I… Is there something wrong… with me as a hunter…?”
“Read the heart of it or not, you hunted that thing like a champion! Maybe you’re not looking in the right place kid, you helped this town out! You could consider the idea of being a traveling hunter…”
“A traveling hunter?” Oukirii asks. She gives it some thought, before her companion reminds them that they need to head back to the Evercold.

• Travel Banter: Church of the Sacred Sun (Oukirii and Thearnt) Oukirii asks Thearnt how different the Sacred Flame religion is compared to her own. Thearnt says that she was wondering the same thing. The two of them would have a long discussion about differences in their beliefs and customs. Draefendi being a god in one and a legendary hunter in the other, The Sun is believed as a spiritual concept while Aelfric is believed as an actual being, and how both religions have different things the followers shall and shall not do.
  
• Travel Banter: My Bedtime (Oukirii and Pascal) Oukirii is proud of her victory against the beast. “You did great.” Pascal congratulates her. Oukirii excitedly asks him if she can stay up later than usual now. Pascal tells her that he isn’t the one in the position to decide that, “Most of the time you’re knocked out early anyway.” He says, followed by silently thinking ”That’s when we usually go drink…” Oukirii pleads that she can stay up longer if she tries. Pascal tells her that he can talk about removing her suggested bedtime.
  

In Evercold, Oukirii and Valerie run into Hansel again. Oukirii tells him of the good news, and asks “Does it matter now if we take down the other two? That dream had three of them together, if one is gone then–”
“It doesn’t work that way Oukirii…” Hansel replies “Destruction could still spell even if only one was still around… Our mission was to take down all three. The next target will be Red Spirit, I’ve found this creature to be in Redwater.”
Oukirii accepts to continue the mission and keep seeking her purpose. She and her companion excitedly leave town towards the next adventure.
Hansel and Valerie watch as they leave. Valerie says “I hope she finds her purpose out there. But there’s something I don’t quite understand. She seems like she doesn’t want to be strong. But then, why accept a mission that requires her to fight powerful monsters?”
“She wants to prove herself capable, and it’s a job only she can do. I’m grateful that she did accept, Otherwise the fate of the world might still be uncertain…”
(Ending Text)
Oukirii succeeds in her hunting of the first beast. Snowradillo of Evercold.
Two monsters remain as a threat to the world.
She keeps her heart optimistic, yet still finds herself troubled. With no definite answer to the question of her purpose…
With the guidance of the sun, Oukirii sets out to Redwater.
And prepares for a confrontation with Red Spirit…
——————
Oukirii the Hunter: Chapter 2, End.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/OpiumKao posting in AmITheJerk
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 276th May 2024
Update1 - 28th May 2024
Update2 - 31st May 2024
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Would I would be the jerk if I chose a opportunity over my church?
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I (20F) have played cello since I was in 6th grade. I am generally good at it to say the least but average since I'm better at acedamics and art than playing my cello. My parents are very religious and we live in a a town a little bit away from a city.
Cause of some stupid reasons, I am the only cello still willing to work ar our church. I get played but I only get payed $12 for a 3 sometimes 4 hour performance. While I was practicing some art my friend (21M) called me, and said that a new place in our town was opening up and they needed a second teacher for the cello classes. I immediately went over and have been working there for a little over a month. While there the small school's principal managed to get my class a place in a orchestra concert in the city. It wasn't in the center just at the edge but my students were really excited. When we arrived. I played with my students a little bit for practice. The concert had went really well and I really enjoyed it.
Due to this. A man around 40 had walked up to me after the concert. He said he had heard me playing with my students and asked if I could play in a huge orchestra in around the center of the city. I was really interested since this could get good opportunities in both art and cello.
There is a bit of problem though. My parents had asked me before if I could play at my church on the same day of the concert ant at a uncomfortable amount of time gap. I didn't agree to it and said I would think about it. But now I really am concerned. I care about my parents and I enjoy my church. But I will get good opportunities at the big concert and they are willing to pay me $20 and hour if I play and help set up.
The problem with the church concert is that it will be 3 hours long and they actually are only going to pay me $15 for setting up AND playing the 3 hours which I am not very comfortable with.
So? Would I be the jerk if I chose an opportunity over my church?
TLDR; I got a good opportunity to play in a concert in around the center of the city. But on the same day is my church's concert. The concert is willing to pay $20 an hour for my troubles. While my church is going to only pay me $15 for setting up AND playing the 3 hours.
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Comments
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maroongrad
Church is taking advantage of you and I'm sure you're not rolling in money. The church will survive without a cello player.
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madogvelkor
Yeah. And a lot of people play/sing for free or cheap at their church for personal reasons. My grandfather wasn't even really Catholic but he sang in the choir and my grandmother (who was devout Catholic) played the organ. He hated church but loved singing church music.
That said, it's about personal choice. If you need the money and aren't just playing for your own love of the music then go for the orchestra.

OOP: I just have to say wow. I know its only been a couple hours. But I just have to thank you all for the advice. I have constantly been looking through your comments and I may reply to some. Not all. But definitely Atleast 10. So thank you for your support.
Edit: I'm going to tell them. I don't know how they will react but I am. The concert is on Sunday so this will be kinda in advance. I really do feel bad about it though

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Update - 1 day later
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A couple hours earlier I told my parents. To say my mom was angry was on understatement. She yelled and screamed at me that she had already told the church that I was going to play at the church. And they needed me there. I reminded her about what I said before when she asked. When my mom figured out I wasn't going to change my mind, she threatened to take my devices. Like seriously? I may for them. I reminded her that. But she didn't care. She continued screaming until she reached my room and started grabbing my phone. Art tablet. Laptop. PS5. EVERYTHING.
While doing so my dad joined in on my mom's side and told me I was making them look bad to the church. Before she even walked out the room. I started calling my dad's parents. Telling them what going on. While my mom was still screaming and yelling while taking my stuff into her room telling me I'm not getting them back until our next concert. Which was literally a week away. My paternal grandfather entered our house with his spare key and started screaming and my mom to put my stuff back in my room before he takes HER phone.
My mother, being the always scared of my grandfather person that she is. She put all my stuff in my room, but before she could. He told her to put my stuff in his truck. Which she had to do all by herself. My dad was forced to apologize to me and then my mother. It was obviously 1/2-hearted but I was just pleased they were forced to apologize.
I am currently at my grandparents place, and the reason this happened so late is cause I went on a shopping spree with my grandmother and her friends. They are the sweetest ladies ever. And I had alot of fun. I even able to buy another music piece its a little simple for my liking but I like the beat.
Just a quick update. We just got back and my grandparents are downstairs drinking and stuff, talking about their youthful days. My grandfather said feel free to take his truck to a friends place. So I'm about to do that after the post. Thanks for the support from the last post everyone 💓 thank you
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Comments
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LeekNeat9525
Good on you OP for not backing down for this amazing opportunity, and I hope the orchestra works out for you!
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lululululululululi
Ditto and true delight to hear that your grandparents are awesome
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Update - 2 days later
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My parents are insane. Alot has happened so bare with me.
The day after my post I got a call for the man I the opportunity with, he sounded pissed. He asked if I was a minor. But first I asked how he got my number. He told me he got a call from my parents saying that I am a minor and as their guardian they will not allow me to play in the orchestra. As a side note. I am 20F, but due to genetics I look like around 16-17.
I told him I am not a minor but he seemed to believe my parents over me and he sent me a screenshot of my birth certificate... Those crazy people gave them a fake certificate that made it look like I was 16. He said due to no minors being allowed in the orchestra, my seat will be removed only if I can verify if I am not a minor.
I tried to convince him with my ID but he said that my parents told him I would show them a fake ID and I will be getting removed from the orchestra and he hung up.
Me. In tears, told my grandparents and they were not happy. Especially my grandmother. Another side note, my grandmother's mother was a cello player, but due to a accident she died when she was 29. So to find out I couldn't play my instrument anymore in this orchestra she was beyond to the point SHE ACTUALLY DRIVED. My grandmother rarely drives.
After the drive my grandmother had a screaming match with both my parents while my grandfather went to the place of the orchestra to get me verified for my seat again. I was a mess the whole way. We managed after 3 hours to get me verified but by then when we got back my grandmother was chewing out my dad and mom while they sat quietly.
The next day was the most satisfying thing I've ever felt
I found out my parents will be taking me out their will. The will that my GRANDPARENTS practically control since my grandparents pay half their bills. A couple minutes after. My grandparents called them and them that if they take me out their will, they will remove my dad out their will and give all the assets to me including the will they will already planning to give me, which was already a lump some of money and some rent houses they own.
My parents are trying to hold their ground, but a couple hours later they said they will also not be paying the bills they have been paying.
Then finally after those two threats. They are still trying to hold their ground. My grandparents have two other children, both daughters and older than my father, so I'm not surprised if they instead give them the assets instead of me.
My father called my two hours ago and called me a failure to my family and their church. Personally I thought that would hurt. But I didn't feel much. More like?... Relief! I felt so RELIEVED! I never felt this way before and I might actually ask them to disown me. I'm sick and tired of their trash and how many things I have done for that church and STILL be underpaid!
Hopefully this will be my last update but ask questions in the comments and I may answer. I just want to get this behind me.
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Comments
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LibraryMouse4321
Anyone who chooses the church over their children is a huge AH and doesn’t deserve children. Your parents are awful and if they were mine, I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.
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ProfessionSanity
Yep, the whole "Thy shalt not bear false witness" flew right over their heads.
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Scruffersdad
I love your grandparents! And go you! I’m glad you’ll get to play in the orchestra anyway.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I 21F, have BPD (what most of yall are here for) Despite everything, Im pretty self aware which can help me to not explode from the sheer amount of overwhelming emotions I deal with on a day to day basis. I try my best to be a good partner, but with every couple sometime my bf and I fight. This is just a brief overview before I dive into things.
Today, I came home early from work only to see my boyfriend left his computer open on a document (he normally turns off his computer right away when Im home, and neither of us expected me to come home early) I’ll admit I got a bit curious and read over some. It seemed to be some kind of journal he kept for himself, but after a minute of scrolling I realized most of the text was about me and our fights over the past few months. None of it was positive, most of it just contained rants about things he couldn’t stand about me, or what our fights consisted of. He’s always confused me when we fight, as I quite literally can’t wrap my mind around what he’s saying. He claims to be on both of our sides, but to me it seems like he can never admit when he’s in the wrong. (Ex. He called me annoying a few days ago bc im picky with food, and it upset me but I simply went into the other room to try and decompress. But instead of apologizing, he walked in and simply tried to give me a kiss. We got into a disagreement because he knew why I was upset, but I had to ask for an apology anyway. It was frustrating to me because I felt like I clearly had a reason to deserve an apology, but he just claimed that I just “didnt understand his side” when I feel like there are no sides. It should have just been “im sorry for calling you annoying. I wont do it again.” And it could have ended there.) Behavior like this is very consistent, and it feels like to me Im always held to a position where I need to apologize and take accountability for my actions, but I feel like Im not really given that same respect when he hurts my feelings.
While most of his texts were just rambles and logic I couldnt really make much sense of, I ran across a few lines that were very alarming to me. I took a photo so I could quote it.
“I dont want to be sexist, and im not, only with her, because honestly shes so mentally fucked up the absolute best thing she could do is just listen to me 100% of the time. I truly have her best interest at heart, I dont want to diminish her freedom or abuse her, or invalidate her feelings, I will 100% voluntarily do that totally on my own but she makes it so difficult by adding her own stupid fucking interpretations and ideas into the mix.”
This really doesnt sound like the person I thought I have been in a relationship, and Im struggling to wrap my mind around what this means. Any thoughts or advise would be a lot of help. I apologize if this post is a jumbled mess. My head is feeling about the same right now.

Please bear with me it's long, half rant half needing advice, I'm at a loss.. I'll probably end up deleting this if gaining too much traction so no family or friends see it. This isn't everything but that would give away my identity. So we'll stick to just this... I(f19) and my mom(f54) keep our horses at home, I got mine before she got hers. Right after we moved in I fell into a deeeep depression, I barely got out of bed to even feed, barely ate and was over all in bad shape. She just kinda bitched at me that I wasn't up and feeding on time or wasn't spending time with my horses, kept telling me how she'd LOVE to have a horse at home and I do so I should go spend time with them. She also loves to tell me the story about her cousin growing up who had horses but only liked them for riding and wouldn't let my mom even pet them, how she never wants me to grow up like her because she only loved those horses because of showing and riding. Well, she got a horse! Last year. I still get bitched at, less tho because I kept telling her to stop going after me for not being out on time or spending time with them, while my mental is better it's more I'm faking better. And she? I can barely drag her butt out to see the horse, she'll go see other people's horses tho and spend hours doing things that she's not paid for, she's a trainer at a barn. Recently she thought of breeding her - dw she's got loads of experience, but found out due to a genetic disorder should not be bred. And tonight I almost was ran over when the mare came trotting into the barn after me while I followed my horses in. I told my mom in an annoyed tone, she needs manners or pick your favorite cause one of us is gonna get hurt, worried and annoyed about the situation and how she could have slipped on the concrete in the barn with her wet hooves from the storm outside. She just tells me "well she'll get me 10k and can't give me a baby so just sell her" not perfect quote but she was saying to sell her cause she can't ethical breed her. There been horses in the past shes loved, none hers. I never thought she was the one to not love or even try to form a bond with a horse just because she can't breed. This mare wants to be loved. She was abused so is a bit of a challenge but nothing my mom can't do. Especially since she's already made soo much progress. I think the topping on the cake is that I've delt with my mom's depressive episodes, every time something goes wrong in her life she's into a depression episode, granted what goes on for her to become like that is big like a huge change in her life that was unwarranted. I always have to be there. To pick her back up. Keep her from self deleting. She tells me she has no friends, I know there's people who'd listen and be there for her but she doesn't reach out. So it lands on me(not my dad, he doesn't do shit to help her mental health). I try to curve her depressive episodes the moment I see them arise, I've learned how to help her cause I've done it all my life. But even when I tell her I don't know what being happy feels like, that I don't remember the last time I was happy and that I think it's chemical and would like to find help, she discards it the next day.. Like I said nothing. Before we knew about the genetic disorder she said how could I breed her without you here with the other horses, that's unfair of me to ask you to put your life on hold. I told her, I'd wait, I'd stay at least until the mom and baby where settled with another horse or just the two of them. I want her to be happy. I want my mom to be happy, I don't know if she can't afford therapy, doesn't want it or what. But it's tiring and feels so unfair to the mare. I regret telling her to just try, keep her for at least the winter, try and bond.. Now I swear she sees her as a status symbol "I gotta horse" it's her first horse, maybe I should have seen this coming... Every time there's a set back, she says "this isn't the horse I wanted" and backs into a semi depressive state and stops even more being with the mare.
I don't know if there's anything I can do, what the 🦆 do I do. Do I just sit her down and tell her everything risking a depression episode she can't get out of? do I keep quiet and let her do what she feels is right? Or do I try and tell someone else? I also can't afford to risk losing living here rn, I don't have another place to go with my horses.

Me and best friend have been in each other’s lives since we were 12 years old. We’re both 27 now. I’ve lived an hour and 20 mins away from her since I’ve been 13 years old. There’s always been that distance but no matter what we always kept in contact. I’ve always made the drive to see her and spend time with her. Fast forward to 2023, she becomes pregnant. I’m so happy for her. Excited and buying stuff for the baby already. She gives birth in June and I’ve never been so happy and proud of her. Legit cried when i saw him. It’s October now. She’s invited me to her baby’s baptism. There were 2 times stated on the invitation, one for the church and one for the venue. So the week of I reached out to find out if we’re meeting at her house or the church. She tells me to just go to the venue instead. I get there with my boyfriend. You know when you feel a certain vibe? Like an uncomfortable/ awkward vibe? I felt it in my stomach but I ignored it and start to say hi to her and her whole family. We sit at our designated table. I start to hear conversation from her friends about how the church was. I look at my boyfriend confused because I assumed it was only family. That made me questioned why were these people there? Friends that I was just introduced to 2 months ago, but I wasn’t? I’ve been feeling very weird with our relationship. As if we’re outgrowing each other. So i posted to my finsta just expressing how I felt. She saw it and she called me. She said what is this about? I said “ it’s just been how I’ve been feeling about us. i find out that everyone was at the church, but me? “ she said “ well where were you during my pregnancy? I barely saw you.” Now at this moment I’m thinking of all the times I’ve seen her thought out the year which was normal amount of times we seen each other. So i said “you never called or texted me about anything during your pregnancy. Never said anything that you needed me.” She said “i shouldn’t have to. You stopped prioritizing me. I thought it would be different when i gave birth but no.” (A little background on me. I have a full time job working overnights in a hospital. Started going back to school full-time in September of 2023 for nursing school. I have my own relationship and dog-ter. My own apartment which went up 50% this year too. A lot has been going on with me as well) I told her I just started school again, and the times i have off i spend it studying or relaxing at home. She said “well you could’ve made at effort, we couldn’t deal with him as a newborn.” I said “well again you never said anything” she said “you didn’t think my instagram posts meant anything ?” To be honest, saying stuff on instagram is completely different from actually reaching out to people. I told her “i figured you wanted to be alone since you’re figuring out how to be new parents” she said “how dare you make decisions for me. Do you know how it was not to make you a Godmother?” I start to bawl my eyes out. The way you get when you’re trying to catch your breath type of cry. Because we’ve always talked about that since we were kids. Making each other the Godmother to each other’s kid. I said “yes that hurt me” through my sobs. Trying to hold it together so i can speak. She said since i wasn’t there for her that I deserve that title. I’ve always been there for her for anything. She calls and I come. No matter what. I make arrangements. I’ll try to be there. She said that I couldn’t even make it to her baby shower. Which she’s right i couldn’t. Back in May of 2023, she was telling me when she was planning the baby shower. I told her that weekend is my little brother’s graduation in the of Florida. So i wouldn’t even be in NY. I begged her to make it for the following weekend so I can attend because i really wanted to be there. I was buying stuff every week till the baby shower to make her a baby shower basket. With diapers of every size. Wipes. Even hair clips for her too. So she knew i wouldn’t be there and still chose to plan it that day anyways. So i didn’t push anymore it’s her day, but i made sure my boyfriend was there. He helped set up and get the cake. He bought the gifts i bought them even the high chair. Now back to our conversation, i told her it was my little brother’s high school graduation. You knew this. She said okay? You could’ve came for a little bit and left that night. I said no. I was with my family. That’s why i asked for the following weekend. She said “well no why would i change it for ONE person?” I said “okay so why are you mad ?” I’m sorry but i wasn’t not missing my only little brother’s high school graduation. So she didn’t make me a godmother meanwhile her child has 5 Godmothers. I wasn’t 1. There’s other situations that have happened as well throughout the years. But this was the icing on the cake. Something I cannot forgive in my heart. It hurts so much. She’s MY ONLY best friend. She has an army behind her. I would’ve done anything for her. I’ve always showed up for her when she called me. I’ve always made her a priority. But now that I’m trying to better myself and the one time I’m finally thinking of me. I’m the fucked up friend ? So Am I the asshole?

This is a sensitive subject that I don't feel comfortable talking about with people in my life, but I can't stand having it swirling around in my head, contained there forever.
For the majority of my childhood, from as early as I can remember up until about the age of twelve, I was being physically, verbally, and sexually abused by a family member. After it ended, I almost immediately began a relationship with someone who was, simply put, the most unhinged human being I've ever encountered in my life, who subsequently left my already shaky mental health in absolute tatters from years long emotional and psychological abuse. It wasn't until I was out of that abusive relationship that I was even ready to admit to my childhood abuse and took me even longer to start unpacking it.
The whole process was one of ups and downs. My first gut instinct was to forgive my abuser. One part of it was the family aspect. They would always be a presence in my life, inextricably intertwined with my entire familial relationship, so I couldn't just cut them out of my life and be done with them. I couldn't ever explain what happened to me to anyone, so there was no way to justify why I never wanted to see or speak to this person.
Another part of it was the natural guilt and self blame that comes with being a victim of abuse. It's very hard to explain to people who haven't experienced abuse just how much self blame can keep you alive through the worst of it. One of the earliest lessons a child ever learns about pain is that it's a consequence. If you touch a stovetop hotplate, it will burn you. It burns you because it's hot, but it also burns you because you touched it. If you just don't touch it, you won't get burned. Pain is scary, but it's avoidable if you're just responsible.
So then why, why, why can you be hurt so thoroughly by an abuser without having done something to cause it? Why can pain just be inflicted on you, unavoidable, unprompted? It's the unfairness of it all. So if you're just responsible for it, if it's just somehow your fault, then maybe in the future you can avoid it. You can be better and not be hurt like that again.
The pain of it is that by telling yourself that you did something to deserve this, that this is somehow your fault, it makes it easier to live with. Because if it's not, if you did nothing, then why?
The last is the Catholicism of it all. I don't know, I so desperately wanted to heal and immediately become a better, more fixed person. I wanted to just be over it. And I was raised in a church that absolutely weaponised forgiveness in every aspect. To not forgive was a personal failing. To not forgive was to bear the sins of whatever haunted you. It was the responsibility of a victim to forgive their aggressor, and by doing so you would... I don't know, be granted an immediate and intuitive spiritual peace that would make everything immediately okay and fixed and as though it never happened?
I just so badly wanted to not be in pain anymore. So I forgave, and when I spoke later about my abuse and how I forgave them, I was told about how wise and caring and good I was. How admirable I was. It reaffirmed my decision.
It was only years later it occured to me that I wasn't fixed, I still felt awful inside.
I can feel it eating away at parts of myself, alike to some living thing that snuck inside my body and is trying to consume me from the inside out. It's going to replace the parts of me that make me, me. It's going to wear my skin and ape my life and no one will notice because it has been so insidious and gradual that nobody has realised it at all. I feel hollow spaces inside myself where a human being used to be. I wonder how long the rest of me has.

Hey all, I am posting here for the first time because I honestly just want some outside opinions on what is going on in my life and would just love any information or help someone can give me.
So, for some context, I (23m) have been working for this car parts company for the better total of 1 year and 2 months. Recently, as in the last 4 months of this year, my General manager has changed from one person to another due to some higher stuff above me, I don't know much about what happened but it did happen and I was in the loop, I felt like I was respected by this new GM and honestly felt like I was going to start growing a bit bigger in this company. So a few months pass, we are having issues with employee retention, we have gone through about 10 employee's in 3 months. All because they either don't wanna continue working with the company or They found something better or something else happens, however, because of this I have been needing to step up far more than I normally should, I work as a Part-time hire, meaning that I should only be working at maximum 30 hours a week, however, because of the lack of employee's I have been pumped up to working almost 40 hours every week. As a part of being a Part-timer, I get 2 designated days off a week. However, over the last 2 months I have consistently either gotten only 1 day off, or I have gotten nothing. Never in the last 2 months have I gotten the 2 days that I requested off since everything has been happening. Recently, my boss has been getting on me more and more saying that I 'have fallen from where I was and need to do some training to get back to where I used to be' yet, I haven't fallen at all! I consistently get at least 1k in transactions done a day, I stock the shelves, I complete cycle counts, when I am doing the night shift I am always the only fucking person who mops the floor, I run the front of the house entirely by my self at times because either my 'manager' is off doing something else, or is sitting in the back office or outside smoking a cigarette. I have been for the last 2 months asking to move up yet time and time again I am told that I need to 'make changes' and 'show my efforts' to get this, yet they hire new employee's giving them the position I am asking for and continue to say 'keep trying and doing what the higher position needs to do if you want that position.' Especially with tonight when I found out that I am scheduled for tomorrow morning and yet my online schedule hasn't shown this change. I was under the impression that I wasn't going to need to come in so seeing that I am scheduled kind of upset me since NO ONE told me that this was happening. On top of that when confronted, my boss said and I quote, 'You have to look at the schedule. It's been said many times to look all the time.' like I am supposed to read their mind and know 'a change to the schedule has been made' especially when the schedule is either moved or someone has put it somewhere that I don't know where to find it.
Either way, my ask is that I wanna know if I am overreacting in thinking that I honestly am not going to be moving any higher in the job and should just leave while I can because if I am not careful I can end up hurting myself while working here. I'd also just love and advice when it comes to finding a new job at the moment because I know of the many different 'job scams' and 'false hires' that are out there. I don't know what I can do at the moment and am just scared, especially with my Partner moving in with me soon. Thank you for your time and thanks for reading my post.

I (f19) think I am going to go low contact with my father for a little bit. Now that I am getting older, I'm realizing all the hurt he has put me through is too much for me to handle at times and makes me feel this rage and sadness inside me everytime I try to talk or hangout with him.
I guess I'll just start with the most important things. My dad hasn't gotten me a birthday gift in three years. For my 16th birthday, he fixed me up a car that was totaled by my stepsister. I thanked him over and over and cried a few times. But the thing is my car broke down over a year ago and he's tried to fix it a few time but it breaks again and again. Everytime I bring up selling it or scrapping it, he gets pissed at me and tells me I just want a brand new car and accuses me of thinking that the car he got me is not good enough. That's not it? I named it and took care of it and drove it everywhere but my mom and I are moving soon and need it out of the driveway. I can't afford to lug it around on the off chance my dad can get it fixed. Anyway for my 17th birthday he told me to pick what we do and he would do it. I asked him if we could go to Dave and busters together because I love arcades and he just never took me? I am a very nonconfrontal person so I never brought it up because he complains about money all the time. My mom took me instead because she saw how upset I was about it. I guess she messaged my dad? I never told her to but I guess she messaged him something like, "I took daughter to Dave and busters since you couldn't be bothered" and next time he saw me he got upset and said I should have reminded him and that he forgets stuff. But I don't want to? I feel like if you want to take me out for my birthday you would do it, I don't want to force someone to spend money on me, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Then for my 18th birthday, he said he would make it up to me and to pick anywhere in the country to go and he would take me. I was super excited and said I wanted to go to Washington D.C. he never took me. Just forgot about it again. Then the next summer comes and my mom and I have to go down and take a college visit where we would have to stay a few days. My mom was going to get a hotel close by so we could check out the surrounding area so I at least know where ill be living in a few months. I guess my dad called my mom and just said he would take me instead and that it would be him making up for my last two birthdays. This really made me angry because mom was just going to get us a hotel just because, but now my college tour was going to be a birthday present? I have never forgotten a birthday, father's day, Christmas or any other event. I have always gotten him something. But when my brothers forget it's the end of the world.
One thing about my dad is that he always thinks about himself first. He said he would Airbnb a log cabin by a lake so we could fish. I don't like cabins and I don't really enjoy fishing but I don't know how to say no. We go and apparently the cabin is 30 minutes away from campus so we won't be able to check out the surrounding areas and the whole time he was complaining that we had to do school stuff instead of fishing. That's the whole reason we came down here? That's quite literally why I am down here? Also apparently he just got lost during the parent only tour and went back to the cabin so yeah I was in a new town and place all by myself. I was just really upset about it All.
Another thing is he hardly ever helped my mom out. Never paid child support and only started to after my stepdad died about 6 years ago. But 100 dollars a week is not a lot to help with 2 pre teens, me and my younger brother. Before college he told me he stopped paying my mom, "my half" of the child support so he can save it and give it to me before college so I have a bit to start off with. At the time he said he saved up about 300 dollars to give me and I still had a few weeks where he would save up money. He also told me that he would give me 50 dollars a week while I was in college to help with groceries and little things. I never got any of it. Never. He got injured and wasn't able to worm but I could have sworn that was a few months before he promised me any sort of money, now he is saying something along the lines of how dare I expect money from him when he is injured. Mom has been injured but she never stopped supporting us? Mom has been through surgery and came back the same night to put food on the table. Mom has cried in her room about being scared she can't afford bills that month but never asked me for any money? Mom doesn't go to church and give the church 25% of her check before she makes sure her kids are doing okay?
He's also angry at me for going to visit my stepmom and stepsisters before him this summer. They got divorced after Christmas and my stepmom made it clear I am still her daughter and told me on numerous occasions that I am always welcome at her house, so I went and visited them. My dad was upset that I still talk to them and that they let me see my neice. Why can't you just be happy for me? Their marriage went downhill after my dad would go to my stepsisters wedding because she was getting married to a woman a few years ago. Since then things have been rocky. Then you expect them to let you see their daughter after telling them they are going to hell? I don't know what I am, straight, bi, or pan and just hearing him complain to my mom that my stepsister and her girlfriend is going to hell just hurt my heart. My mom put a stop to it and yelled at him to get out. My mom isn't the best but she does her best and apparently she always thought I was lesbian and always stuck up for me.
Ever since college I am starting to grow my own voice and speak up for myself. He treats my younger brother and two older brothers horribly and my younger brother refuses to talk to him and quite frankly I do not blame him. He has always been tough with my brothers. They aren't allowed to have emotions. My brother cries, he's a pussy. My brother gets angry, he's a spoiled brat. One time my dad came over to help with his truck and my brother got frustrated, my dad, who is a big man, got all up in his face and said, "hit me motherfucker and see what happens." He was just yelling at my brother to hit him while my brother told him to stop repeatedly. I remember when I was younger he would put his hands on my older brothers and had a full fledged fist fight with one of them. They moved in with my grandma to get away from him. After all for of his kids refuse or has limited contact you would think he would realize he might be the problem.
Also he always uses me as a therapist and I'm getting exhausted, it just drains the life outta me. He talks shit about my step mom no matter how many times my mom and I have told him to stop. He talks shit about my brother and expects me to agree with him? Now he just complains how horrible his job is and how he hates it. He talks about it for 30 minutes before I try to change the topic and he just brings it back to himself. He want me to go visit him and stay at his camper and quite frankly, I don't want to. He complained how he hates the campground he is staying in and I hate camping. Have i said that he left for 2 years traveling the country, hunting bigfoot and didn't see us for the majority of that time? Plus it is always what he wants to do, not what I want to do.
A few days ago we got into a huge argument. I finally told him about how I feel and of course it's my fault and not his fault. He sent me a message that says something along the lines of I never complain about him not loving me enough it that he doesn't give me enough things and that couldn't be further from the truth. I would be over the moon if we spent the day making a cake and watching a movie I wanted but he couldn't even do that. I completely ignored him and plan to continue because I have come to learn there is no talking to him.
Aita?

Me and my family were playing Monopoly without my dad because he didn't want to join, and we paused to eat, i checked the fridge and saw the covered bowl with my dough wasn't there so i asked my dad where was it, my dad said he threw it out and i quote "It was as hard as a rock", i was sad about it but didn't let it show at first, i asked why he didn't ask before throwing it out and he said that because "it was so hard he didn't even need to ask", i was angered by this and started questioning him with the same question and others like "Why when i do something you always throw it out without asking?", "If you made dough and i threw it out, would you be okay with that?", he always answered with the same it was as hard as a rock and that even stray dogs wouldn't eat it. It was a dough that could be refrigerated up to 3 days and it was the second day so it wasn't bad, i also made cookies the day i made it and my family ate it, INCLUDING MY DAD AND HE LIKED THE COOKIES, so he didn't have any reason to throw it like the other things i made and he threw out like Boba, it turned terribly and i'm sorta thankful he threw it out but it still sorta hurt and seems he physically can't ask ME, AND ONLY ME, he asks my mom and my sister before throwing out their things, IT'S ONLY ME THAT HE DOESN'T ASK. I headed to my room and calmed down, then i got back to the table and then a discussion started again, he's a proud man in his 50's, i hereditated his proudness and I WAS PROUD OF MY DOUGH AND HE JUST THREW OUT THE THING I WORKED FOR, i asked him to tell me face to face that he was wrong and that he was sorry. That man can't apologize even if his balls were falling off, he's a proud coward that can't take responsibility of what he does, he also tried to get me to forgive him by making me food, he's usually a loving and caring man that wouldn't hurt a fly but right now he's being a jackass, that's family for you. He's a grown man and i'm a teenager and i know i should apologize too but c'mon! You have a wife and two kids and can't say sorry? Also my mom and sister agree with me and say he should apologize, my mom tries to defend me but acts like i can't defend myself, i told my mom this and she stopped. If he doesn't acknowledge that he was in the wrong, then i won't apologize for insulting him in our discussion (he never insulted me), i know i'm not a pure and always right angel, so i still have to ask, am i the 4sshole? Gosh this looks so dumb to be mad about now that i'm looking at it

When I was ten, I formed a junior detective squad.
Mom bought me the entire box set of What's New Scooby Doo, and I was inspired to start my very own detective gang. I held auditions outside the gymnasium at recess (serious enquiries only) after a number of kids tried to apply for the role of Scooby Doo despite me reiterating I was not interested in playing make believe.
When I was laughed at in class, I made posters strictly asking for SERIOUS wannabe detectives, even going as far as using my Mom’s printer to make flyers, sticking them all over the school.
Auditions were simple. I asked them to solve a simple riddle.
Whoever impressed me got to sign their name down, and I’d get back to them.
I spent three days sifting through kids who definitely had charm, but they lacked the intelligence of a junior detective. Most kids were only auditioning to make fun of me, anyway.
Still, though, I didn't give up.
My flyers had five requirements:
1). You had to be smart.
2). You were not allowed to be a scaredy cat.
3). You had to accept your inevitable death at the hands of our town’s evil villains.
4). You had to have a fully registered driving licence (I quickly changed this to a bike).
5). You cannot have a criminal record.
(I later scribbled this one out, writing over it. *“You cannot have any tardies.”
Narrowing the applicants down to three kids, all of whom failed to share my enthusiasm for solving cases. The kids I picked didn't even know how to make plans, and when I invited them to my house, they stole my Mom’s necklace.
I didn't even need to solve the mystery of who stole Mom’s necklace. The girl was wearing it at school. I punched her in the face, and was immediately sent to the principal’s office. When I was being given the mother all lectures, the door quietly opened, a head peeking through.
It was Ben Callows, a freckly kid with overgrown brown hair hanging in his eyes. Ben really needed a haircut.
He was always wearing the exact same baseball cap, and I found myself wondering if it was permanently glued to his head, stuck on top of unruly brown curls practically matted to his forehead.
In class, Ben was also known as Bloody Ben. In the second grade, the boy had a nosebleed in the middle of a spelling test, bleeding all over his paper.
It's not like he didn't try and detach himself from the name.
Ben brought in Digimon cards, so kids would call him Digimon Ben instead.
Then he “accidentally” spilled yoghurt down his shirt in hopes we would call him Yoghurt Ben. But no. The kids in our class were relentless in reminding him of his name. No matter what he did, he was still Bloody Ben, and when anything related to blood came up in class, fifteen pairs of eyes would swivel to him, like he had invented the concept of bleeding.
I feared the nickname would follow him to junior high.
Ben didn't wait to be let in. He didn't even knock, striding in with his arms folded. Over the years, Bloody Ben, had definitely soured his personality.
He smiled rarely, and when he did smile, someone was falling over or hurting themselves.
Which definitely strengthened the claims of him being a sociopath.
The rumor mill was churning, with the latest claiming Bloody Ben killed his cat. That wasn't true. Ben’s cat was seventeen with cancer, and that was why he was sobbing all the way through reading time.
According to Ellie Daly, however, Ben had killed and dissected his kitty, and buried her in his Mom’s flowers.
Now, my principal did not like being interrupted, especially when she was in the middle of screaming at me.
Principal Marrow was old old (like, thirty, in my ten year old mind) stick thin like a pencil, and always wore the same stained sweater.
She used to be pretty, but I was convinced she had kissed a frog and been cursed. After our old principal suffered a stroke, she stepped in as a temporary replacement, and since becoming principal, had banned my favorite book series, colored shoe laces, and hamburger helper, even officiating a uniform.
(vomit green shorts and a tee, and plain white sneakers).
Kids were convinced she was a witch, and I kind of believed it.
Principal Marrow’s whole existence was built on sucking the fun out of school.
I was already reprimanded for my mystery gang flyers.
Her office smelled of peppermint and she was definitely sneaking sips of whisky in her coffee cup. I could see the bottle sticking out of the trash.
She straightened up, folding her arms across her chest, squinty eyes narrowing at the boy. I had spent the whole time she was lecturing me trying not to cry, my fists bunched in my lap.
I took the distraction as the perfect opportunity to swipe at my eyes, allowing myself to breathe.
Ben Callows was her victim now.
I was right. The woman's voice was like a thunderclap in my ears.
“You better have a good reason for not knocking, young man.”
Ben wasn't fazed by her tone. “You took my Switch two weeks ago,” he said, “I want it back, or I’m telling my Mom.”
At first, I thought I'd misheard him.
No, I was pretty sure he'd threatened our principal.
I swore I heard all of the breath sucked from the room.
“I'm sorry,” Principal Marrow cleared her throat. Her soft tone was dangerous.
She wasn't being nice. The lady was about to explode.
I could see visible veins straining in her temples, her right eye twitching.
It was straight out of a cartoon.
“Did you forget something, Ben?”
Ben sighed, like she was inconveniencing him.
He held out his hand. “Please can I have my Switch back? It counts as stolen property. Give it back, or I'm telling my Mom.”
The kid put so much emphasis on the word please, I couldn't resist a smile.
I think our principal was too shocked to get angry.
“Get out.” She said, firmly. “I don't have your gaming device.”
“It's in your drawer.” Ben nodded to her desk, “Under your divorce papers and the restraining order ordered by Jake Willow, the seventeen year old boy you've been having math ‘tutoring sessions’ with.” He quoted the air, his gaze lazily rolling to me. “Tutoring”
Principal Marrow went deathly pale, her eyes darkening.
“Benjamin Callows–”
“The school already knows about the restraining order, but your uncle is the head of the Board of Education, so all you get is a slap on the wrist and a warning to leave the boy alone."
Ben continued, and I found myself mesmerised by his words. He was a natural, his expression stoic, mouth curved with satisfaction that wasn't quite a smile. “However.” He held up his phone, pulling it away at the exact moment the teacher attempted to grab it. “You were outside Jake Willow’s house at 6:12am, drunk, and trying to climb through his window, which, I think violates the restraining order, does it not?”
Ben pretended to think real hard, his gaze flicking to the ceiling.
“I mean, I'm just a kid, right?” His mouth curled into the hint of a smirk
“What do I know, huh?”
Principal Marrow’s expression twisted, her lip wobbling.
“Mr Callows, remove yourself from my office, or I am calling your father.”
Leaning comfortably against the door, Ben’s lip twitched.
“Why? Are you planning on telling my Dad about your relations with a teenage boy, or will I have to tell him instead?”
I was enthralled, and fully disgusted, making a move to inch away from the woman.
“But it doesn't end there.” Ben continued. He straightened up, taking slow, intimidating steps towards the woman's desk. “You don't even want Jake, do you? Because, once upon a time, you were in love with his father. Jason Willow. You despised him for rejecting you, so you decided to defile his son.” Ben leaned over the principal’s desk, slipping his hand into the drawer, and pulling out his switch.
Painfully slowly.
She stood there, speechless, her shoulders trembling.
Ben smiled, and I found myself liking it.
“Thank you!” He said, waving the console in her face. Ben mimed locking his mouth and throwing away the key.
“My lips are sealed.”
Ben’s half lidded eyes found mine. “Are ya coming, Panda?”
I forgot my own nickname.
Panda.
I wore my Mom’s eyeliner because I thought it looked cool.
It did not.
Finding my breath, I snapped out of it.
Jumping up, I followed him out of the office, and when the two of us were safely on the hallway, I burst into hysterical giggles. “How did you know all of that?!” I whisper- shrieked.
Ben surprised me with a splutter. “Wait. You believed me?”
Something very cold trickled down my spine.
I stopped walking. “You lied?”
He shrugged. “I had a dig around her office before she caught me a few days ago,” Ben swung his arms, a smile curling on his mouth. “There's no restraining order, but there is prescription anti-psychosis medicine, and an extremely detailed story on her laptop about a teachestudent romance, which I presume is a self insert.”
Ben shot me a sickly grin. “The school refused to make her condition public.”
He prodded at his own cotton shirt embroidered with the school emblem.
“Why do you think she's made all these dumb rules? The woman is a certified Looney Tune.”
I nodded slowly. “Wait. What about Jake and his dad?”
“I made them up.”
I choked out a laugh. “And… the video?”
Ben walked faster, pulling out his phone and shoving it in my face. The video was real. Principal Marrow was walking around in circles, draped in her nightgown. “It's her own house,” he explained. “She locked herself out.”
Nodding slowly, I was in awe. Bloody Ben was kind of fucking amazing.
“But the restraining order isn't real.”
Ben raised a brow, coming to an abrupt halt. It was his smile that cemented his place in my gang. His lack of empathy for a woman he had gaslit into being a disgusting human being. Ben Callows wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but he fascinated me. Maybe for the wrong reasons. “Her filing cabinets are filled with tinned cat food, Panda,” he said with an exaggerated sigh, “I’m not psychic, but I thiiiiink we’ll be okay.”
I turned to him, unable to stop myself jumping up and down with excitement.
“Will you be my first?!”
Ben inclined his head. “Will I be your what?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. I mean, will you join my mystery gang?”
The boy’s eyes lit up, and I shoved him playfully.
“To solve real cases,” I corrected myself. “Not make them up.”
Ben wore a real, proper smile. But there was something in his eyes, a darkness that was so hollow and polluted and wrong, I pretended not to see it for the sake of his smarts and intellect. “Well, if you insist, sure!” Ben held out his hand, and I shook it. I'll be your first.”
We found our second member, who was, ironically, looking for her glasses under the table in class. Lucy Prescott, the quiet girl, was born to be with us.
The class eraser went missing, and she found it in the blink of an eye.
When questioned, Lucy’s face turned as red as her hair. “I asked everyone in the class and followed the clues to the last person who had it,” she pointed to Chase Simpson. “Which was Chase, who was throwing it at Marcus Calvin.”
Twisting around in my chair, I aimed to get Ben’s attention. But he was already looking at me, chin resting on his fist, eyes ignited with excitement.
The two of us cornered Lucy after class, and when she motioned for us to get back, I dragged Ben (who was a little too excited) to my side.
Lucy looked mildly horrified when I said, dangerous cases, though her expression pricked with intrigue.
She agreed, her gaze lingering on Ben, cheeks smouldering.
Our last two members were a surprise.
Violet Evergreen was what you would call popular on the middle school hierarchy. Not just because her mother was the mayor, but because Violet could get away with murder. The girl refused to wear the school uniform, coloring a single purple streak in her hair to cement herself as the it girl.
She was also one of the girls who started the Bloody Ben rumor.
Ben, Lucy, and I were sitting on the grass during recess, trying to come up with a name for our detective service, when Violet came storming over, hands planted on her hips. She was copying how her mother held herself during town meetings.
“What are you doing?” Violet demanded.
Lucy opened her mouth to answer, Ben nudging her to shut up.
“Making a mystery gang.” I told her. “Why?”
Violet inclined her head. “Oh.” She folded her arms. “Well, can I join?”
Ben stood up, stepping in front of the girl. Violet didn't move, stubbornly standing her ground. “Sure.” Ben flashed a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. He stepped closer to her, his smile widening. “If you can pass the test.”
Violet’s lip curled. She took a single step back. “What kind of test?”
Ben nodded to me. “Meet us at the swimming pool at 8pm.”
To my surprise, Violet nodded. “Do I need to bring anything?”
“Nope!”
8pm. The four of us met outside the local swimming pool.
Violet was already on the other side of the fence, waving.
“Hey guys!”
I noticed Ben’s expression, his eyes darkening, lip curling.
Still though, he maintained positivity, vaulting over the fence.
“You made it!”
I followed him, helping Lucy, who was immediately freaking out. I didn't blame her. The pool looked cold and dark, a hollow oblivion carved into the ground.
Ben and Violet stood on the edge, the two of them shoulder to shoulder.
Violet Evergreen was braver than I thought.
Standing with her arms at her sides, Violet's hands clenched into fists.
“What's the test?” Violet said, her gaze glued to bleeding black depths.
“I don't know,” Ben murmured, his voice teetering on a giggle. He leaned forwards, arms spread out. “I didn't think you'd actually come meet us.”
Violet hummed, stretching out her leg, teasing it across the surface. “Was that the test?”
The boy leaned back. I caught the glint of a grin under the floodlights. “Nah.”
Before I knew what was happening, he shoved Violet into the pool. The girl didn't scream or shriek, she just hit the surface, sinking into pitch dark nothing.
“Sink or swim,” Ben said in a low murmur, when Violet’s head bobbed under water. I could see her shadow under the surface, imagining the freezing cold depths pulling her down.
“Drown, and you can't join us.”
It was so quiet, suddenly. The three of us staring into rippling water.
A minute passed, and my tummy started to twist.
“Fuck.” Ben’s expression stayed stoic. I wasn't expecting him to say a bad word.
He cocked his head. “I thought she could swim.”
I hit him, holding in a cry. “You need to get our parents!”
But he didn't listen to me, taking a single step, and dropping into the pool.
I fell to my knees, scanning the water.
Lucy was crying. “Are they dead?!” she shrieked.
“Shhh!” I was watching two shadows lingering under the water.
Violet broke through. I expected her to be crying, but her expression was unwavering. She was silent. I thought the splashing underneath her was her legs trying and struggling to tread water, before Lucy shoved me. Hard.
“Panda! What do we do?!”
Looking closer, Violet was perfectly still, her gaze on the sky.
While she shoved Ben under the water, drowning him.
Violet’s eyes sparkled, and somehow, I knew she belonged in my gang.
Her gaze found mine, glinting with that darkness, that poisonous streak I found myself drawn to. It was a starving, insatiable need to understand a fractured mind. Know your enemy.
“Do you want to see if Ben’s a witch?” Violet asked me, her tone something else entirely. This girl did not make sense, using barely her finger to drown Ben Callows. I knew she was wrong.
I knew there was something loose, something unlocked and unbridled and drowning inside her mind and heart.
But I wanted more of her. I wanted Violet Evergreen in my detective gang.
I think that is why I stood there, frozen.
When the thrashing stopped, Ben broke through.
He wasn't coughing or spluttering, his head inclined. “You didn't drown.”
Violet climbed out of the pool, offering her hand. “And you're not a witch.”
He declined her hand, taking the steps instead.
I asked Violet in a shaky voice. I was trembling with terror, but I was excited.
Exhilarated.
“Violet, will you join my gang?”
She didn't answer me until we were sharing hot cocoa in my house.
I told Mom we fell in the pool, and she believed me. I should have told her that my friends were sociopaths, and I was kind of maybe in love. Violet sipped her cocoa, nodding with a smile I didn't recognise. Violet never smiled at school.
Well, she did. But it was always the prick of a cruel smirk.
I don't think her smile was genuine, but she was definitely enjoying herself.
Our last member came to us, instead of finding him.
Jules Howell, a straggly brunette pushed his way in front of me in the lunch line. I didn't really know the kid.
He sat at the back of the classroom and slept through most of class. I did like his accent though.
Jules had moved from Melbourne in the second grade. He didn't talk much.
When he did, I found myself enveloped in his voice, which sounded like water to me, a bleeding cadence to his tone.
Jules piled his plate with fries, smiling widely at the lunch ladies.
“I saw you last night.” He murmured through that perfectly moulded grin.
“Saw me where?”
“At the pool,” Jules said. “You, Bloody Ben, Violet Evergreen, and that Lucy girl. You were doing a suiciding pact.”
“That's not what we were doing.” I said, “What's a suiciding pact?”
“When you kill yourself together.” Jules said. “I saw it in a scary movie my Mom was watching.”
I grabbed a fork. “We weren't doing that.”
His eyes were strange when I took the time to notice them. The excited gleam had fizzled out. Jules’s hands tightened around his tray. “Then what were you doing?”
I didn't reply, making my way over to our usual table. Ben was already waving me over, Violet and Lucy holding up the flyers we were making.
THE REDBLOOD DETECTIVES.”
Do YOU need our help? We can find/solve anything! Contact us on the number below. (We take donations!)
When I bothered turning around, Jules was lost in the crowd of kids.
We were on our first official case, searching for Mrs Lake’s missing mail, when Jules appeared seemingly out of nowhere. And with him, a golden retriever puppy he introduced as Arlo.
It took a dog jumping up at them for Violet and Ben to find their real smiles, their real selves slowly seeping through these facades they had built around themselves. Ben dropped to a crouch, ruffling the dog's ears, his smile faint.
“Who's a good boy?” He chuckled.
Arlo didn't move, tail wagging, eyes bright.
Ben motioned the dog towards him, but Arlo stayed put.
Jules joined us…quietly.
I don't remember asking him, or even him asking me.
He just became part of us, side by side with Arlo.
We soon came to quickly realize that our town was boring.
There were no monsters or thieves, or soul sucking demons. No criminals or serial killers. Not even one missing person. We did, however, get calls about missing cats. I turned eleven years old, patiently waiting for a murder or a kid going missing. But there was nothing.
All we did was chase cats, and the occasional dog. Maybe a budgie if we were lucky. Twelve years old, our detective club became a joke.
The five of us (and Arlo hiding under the table) were trying to pinpoint Mrs Tracy's lost hamster, when three girls came over, dumping their soda all over us.
We watched crime shows for inspiration on catching killers.
Ben’s favorite crime was one that happened in the 80’s in our town.
2 girls murdered.
Their intestines stuffed into envelopes and mailed to family members.
“That's what we should be solving,” he told me one night, “Not missing cats.”
Thirteen years old, we lay in Violet’s backyard under the cruel glare of the summer sun. We called it working and didn't like to admit it was hanging out, or that we were even friends. However.
That didn't stop us growing closer.
Even if it wasn't quite the way I’d expected.
I proposed a plan, standing up, wobbling a little off balance.
“I've got it.” I said, my voice kinda slurry from Violet’s special summer cocktail, which was just random alcoholic beverages we found, thrown into a blender, and diluted with water.
The town wasn't taking us seriously.
So, we were going to make our own mysteries.
I ordered a full-scale assault on our small town. One that they could not ignore. Ben stamped on Mrs Mason’s flowers, and Lucy threw mud pies at people's cars. Jules trashed the high school gym, and Violet and I spray painted threats and warnings on every store window. Now, this did cause panic, but also an official curfew.
Thirty minutes before curfew, we met in our usual spot, deep in the forest near the lake. Ben yelled at me when I was three minutes late. He was real passionate about finding a real mystery.
“You're late.” Ben was sitting on a rock waving a stick in Arlo’s face.
The dog still wasn't going near him, whining softly.
I took my place, muttering an apology. “I had to lie to my Mom.”
Violet, sitting with her legs crossed, idly digging her manicure into the dirt, suggested we buy mannequins and masquerade them as dead bodies, hanging them from the school rafters.
Lucy, who had slowly grown out of her shell, becoming a lot more outspoken, nudged her. “That's a stupid idea.”
The girl groaned, leaning into her. “Urgh. You're right.”
Jules was the only energetic one, standing on the tireswing.
He jumped down, definitely twisting his ankle.
But his smile only widened, kind of like he enjoyed being in pain.
“Why don't we pretend to be kidnapped?” He said, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over blondish curls growing out. Jules did a dramatic spin, his eyes shining. “We can ‘go missing’ for like a week, and then when our parents are really scared, we can turn up, and tell them we escaped a kidnapping.” His lips split into a grin.
“And then we solve our own kidnapping!”
Ben awkwardly patted Arlos head, only for the dog to pull away with a snort.
“I like it,” he murmured. “I'm in.”
Jules’s idea was stupid.
But.
It was worth a shot.
The five of us agreed to meet the morning after with enough food and supplies for a week. Then we were going to hike to the next town, and hide out for a week. It was an almost perfect plan, using ourselves as victims of our own mystery.
Packing as much as I could, I kissed my mother goodbye (I told her my pack was for a picnic) and set off to the rendezvous we agreed on.
When I arrived, I was the first one there. I checked and re-checked my pack.
I waited ten minutes, unable to contain my excitement.
Then 20 minutes.
It was getting kind of cold.
One hour.
I sat on a rock for enough time to watch the sky change color.
When the clouds were orange, I stood up and stumbled back home. They had gone without me. Mom lectured me when I got home, and I stuck to the plan of pretending my friends had gone missing, even if I they had betrayed me.
Ben said he'd text me when he arrived at the redervous. I at least expected him to text an explanation, but there was nothing. I was in the dark, and after three days of nothing, our town finally began to take us seriously.
“Our children have been kidnapped!” The adults were screaming.
Mom was crying in the kitchen, praying to a god I knew she didn't believe in that I wasn't taken next. I was interviewed and stuck with the exact same story I came up with when I was with the others. Our plan was to return after a week, claiming to be locked up in a dark room with a masked man.
I told my Mother and the other parents that I didn't know where my friends were, repeating the same thing over and over again until I was tongue tied.
“I saw them the day before they went missing, and… yes, everything seemed okay.” I slowly sipped my glass of milk provided, looking the sheriff directly in the eyes.
“No, I didn't notice anything suspicious, sheriff. Yes, I'm sure, sir. No, they didn't tell me anything.”
It was Ben’s mother who shattered my mask.
“Did I know about… what?” I whispered.
Something warm filled the back of my mouth, foul tasting milk erupting up my throat. I leaned forward, trying to look Mrs Callows in the eye. “No, I… I didn't know about Ben’s…condition.”
Mrs Callows was screaming at me about her son’s troubled past when I barfed all over myself, my eyes burning.
In the privacy of my own room, I sobbed until I couldn't breathe.
I tried to tell Mom, but we had come so close.
One more day, and the others would be back.
But that day came. I sat cross legged at our usual spot, which was now covered in police tape. I waited for their thudding footsteps, their laughter congratulating each other for coming up with a great plan. I waited, my face buried in my knees, for my friends.
It was dark when my phone vibrated, and I'd fallen asleep.
I wasn't scared, forcing myself to my feet.
“Where are you?” Mom yelled down the phone.
“Coming home now.” I muttered.
“Sorry.” I paused, holding my breath against a cry. “Mom.” I broke down, forcing my fist into my mouth to hide my squeak. “Mommy, did they come back?”
Mom didn't reply for a moment.
“I'm so sorry, baby.” She whispered, ending the call.
I took my time walking home that night.
There were no stars in the sky.
When a hand clamped over my mouth, I could smell him.
When he dragged me back, stabbing a kitchen knife into my throat, I stared at the sky and looked for stars. His arms were warm around me, violently pulling me into the back of a pickup truck. The pickup truck he'd said he was bringing.
It was his grandfather's, and he could just about drive it.
Hitting the backseat, my body was numb, my thoughts in a whirlwind.
The pickup flew forwards, and I remembered how to move.
I rolled off the seat, my hands pinned behind my back.
Twisting around, blinking in the dim, I could feel something warm, something seeping across upholstery seats. Blood.
It was everywhere, sticky on my hands and wet on my face when I struggled to get up. I was lying in someone's blood.
A scream clawed its way out of my throat.
The pickup flew over a pothole, and something dropped off the seat.
Arlo’s leash.
I screamed again, this time his name gritted between my teeth.
I didn't stop screaming until the jerking movement stopped. The doors opened, pale light hitting me in the face.
Flashlight. Warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me from the car, and then, pulling me by my hair, into our old tree house. It was always our secret place, our saving grace on the edge of town.
The flickering candlelight caught me off guard, illuminating my surroundings.
Two bodies slumped over each other, lying in stemming red.
I felt suffocated, like I was going to die. I screamed, and that warm hand cradled my mouth again, gagging my cries.
Violet and Jules.
There was something wrong with them. And it was only when I forced myself to look closer, when I realized their insides had been carved out, heart, stomach, everything, pulled out.
There was paper on the floor.
No, not paper. Envelopes.
Envelopes stuffed with gore, bright red leaking through white.
Shuffling back, my brain was too slow to react, while my body was trying to vault to my feet, only to be violently pulled back by my ponytail.
I felt his fingers twining around my hair, revelling in my screams.
With another tug, my head was forced forwards.
Orange candlelight felt almost homely, this time lighting up a third body.
Lying on their back, curled up, pooling scarlet dried into the floorboards, their wrists restricted with duct-tape.
I could feel blood underneath me, sticky, a congealing paste.
“Do you know what happened on October 3rd, 1987, in our town?”
Lucy Prescott stood over me, her arms folded across her chest.
I managed to shake my head, when she grabbed Ben’s legs, dragging him under the candlelight. I dazedly watched her stroke the blade of a carving knife, the teeth already stained scarlet. “The intestine murders.” Lucy hummed, tracing the knife down the floorboards.
“A man murdered two high school girls, carving out their insides and sending their pieces to their loved ones.”
Lucy's eyes found mine, ignited in a familiar gleam. I saw it in Principal Marrow’s office. Then the swimming pool. The cafeteria. “It was the sheriff's only murder case, Panda. Ever since then, our town has been boring. There's no mysteries to solve. Nothing to find.”
The girl jumped to her feet, retrieving a blood stained envelope.
She held it up, a smile curved on her lips. The girl turned around, and I heard a horrific squelching sound. Lucy held up a bright red sausage, ripped into it, and slipped it into the white paper.
“But I can change that.” she said, in a giggle.
“I can create a real serial killer, who we can hunt down together.”
Lucy stabbed the blade into the floor, laughing.
“Or! I can bring a fan-favorite back! I can bring the intestine killer back from the dead!”
Her gaze flicked to the others. “There are casualties, of course. The story is, I was kidnapped with Ben, Violet, and Jules. The scary intestine killer killed them, and I managed to get away.”
Lucy shuffled over to me, her eyes wide. “Then! He came back and struck again!”
With those words, she shoved me onto my back.
“First he took Violet,” Lucy hummed, tracing the blade down my shirt.
“Then… Jules.” I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling at the restraints around my wrists. “Then Ben.” her breath tickled my cheek. “And finally… Panda.”
Lucy lifted the knife, and I accepted my death.
Until a low rumble in my ears.
Shouting.
Thundering footsteps, followed by the pitter-patter of paws.
“Lucy!” The sheriff was screaming, and the girl stumbled to her feet, the knife slipping from her fingers. Lucy stumbled, tripping over Ben’s body.
“He got away!” she shrieked. “He…he killed them! Oh, god, please help me!”
I don't think Lucy even realised the traces she'd left behind.
The blood slick on her fingers, her manic, grinning smile full of mania.
I was looking for stars when an officer crouched over me.
I couldn't understand what she was saying.
Her voice was white noise.
“Rachel? Hey, try and sit up, honey. You Mom is on her way.”
Instead of listening to her, I curled into myself.
My gaze found Arlo sticking his nose in Ben’s hair, trying to nudge the boy awake.
I didn't fully register the next few days.
They went by in a confusing blur.
Part of me tried to eat, and spent hours with my head pressed against the toilet seat.
I could still see the slithering, scarlet remains of my friends every time I closed my eyes. There was so much red, soaked in that hunting orange light.
Blood that I could still see, a starless sky that stretched on forever.
Weeks went by.
Then months.
I think I turned 14. I wasn't sure. I didn't feel alive anymore.
I stood at my friend’s funerals with a single rose I dropped into their casket.
Violet’s mother was quick to cover the whole thing up.
Lucy's plan didn't work after all.
Our town’s murder cases stayed stagnant at one.
It's been four years since my friends were murdered by our ’Velma’.
Now, at seventeen, Mom asked if I wanted to visit Lucy in juvie.
I'm not even upset or angry anymore.
I want to know why.
Ben picked me up. Arlo was at his side, wagging his tail.
Ben was…different. He'd dumped his baseball cap and gotten a haircut, swapping his old wardrobe of drab colors for an attempt at changing style.
That day, he looked awkward in a short sleeved tee and shorts.
At school, Ben is no longer Bloody Ben.
Now, he is Survivor Ben.
I’m still Panda.
Every time I was with him, I felt like my soul was being sucked out.
Guilt so deep, so fucking painful, I lost my breath.
I live knowing that I immediately assumed it was him that day.
Ben was barely alive when I found him. Lucy had started to carve into him before remembering she needed me.
After admitting it to him, his lips formed a small smile.
“Can I tell you a secret?” He said to me, at sixteen.
"Yeah?"
Whatever he was going to say, Ben never told me.
Presently, I nodded at the dog’s new collar.
“Peppa Pig themed?”
The boy shrugged, ruffling Arlo’s ears. “FYI, he chose it.”
“It's cute.” I said. “Very… chic.”
We didn't speak the whole ride, but Ben did entangle his hand in mine.
We spent half an hour outside the detention centre. I was panicking, and Ben was trying to hide that he was panicking. In the end, we joined hands, and strode through the doors together.
Lucy greeted us with a wide smile. Just as psychotic.
The orange jumpsuit suited her, though I had zero idea why.
“Hey Arlo!” she giggled at the dog, and Ben pulled the pup onto his lap.
“Ben.” She sighed. “I wish I got to finish you. I would have loved to solve the mystery of your gutted corpse.”
Ben’s smile was wry. “Nice to see you too.”
Behind a glass screen, I asked Lucy one simple question.
“Why?”
Lucy didn't reply. Or she did, but it was just nonsensical bullshit.
But there was one thing she said has stuck with me, chilling me to the core.
I am fucking terrified of Lucy. Of what's she's done, and what she's capable of doing.
It was a throwaway line, and I don't even think Ben noticed.
Or he did, and was in denial.
Lucy's smile was wide, her eyes empty pools of nothing.
The exact same glint in Ben’s eyes.
Jules’s eyes.
Violet’s eyes.
Like something was gnawing away at their psyche, twisting and contorting it, filling them with darkness, poison, that was so vast, so endless, I had craved it as a child. I still don't know what it is.
But I'm going to find it.
Lucy's laugh was shrill, and next to me, Ben didn't move a muscle.
But he did smile.
Yes, my gang were psychos.
But I kind of maybe loved it.
“I don't even wear glasses!”

Since League now has this trend, I think it's only fair we also have them.
EDG
Smoggy: 9.6
Top comments:
Emperor Wen: all the civilian and military officers at court but no one is useful. (This is a quote of the actual emperor, Emperor Wen is referring to Smoggy.)
I can see that only you didn't eat snacks. (This is referring to EDG gave teammates snacks, EDG also gave them to FNC and PRX, and all of them played poorly.)

• Smoggy: I don't like eating snacks. (Smoggy said that in an interview.)

So when he said ''Does practice guarantee wins?'' he wasn't talking about himself. (Back in Madrid fans blamed Smoggy for not practicing enough and he said this.)
Nobody: 6.6
Top comments:
Good news, Nobo Di(sounds like emperor) woke up; bad news, it doesn't matter anyway.
Your Geeko's uti use is just like me, I'm silver, you?
CHICHOO: 5.7
Top comments:
The only difference between you and your idol Nats is that he doesn't have a guaranteed first seed spot.
It's fine, at least you guys finished the daily quest of Kindom Coins.
ZmjjKK: 3.8
(ads below his rating page: MeiTuan takeout, deliver everything so fast!) (Deliver in Chinese also means throw)

• that's so true.

The first thing you need to do is find a record label. (KK loves rapping.)
Haodong: 2.6
You can't even pretend to be 259, at least he know how to make calls.
Your calls are worse than Booster, and your aim is even worse than him as well.
(A user with Tyloo Coach Karsa as username): you kinda remind me of the old me.
AfteR: 2.4
(A user with BP god KenZhu as username): I think I can transfer to Val and make you guys a pot of chicken soup.
What is Maggle doing in this club, free Internet surfing? And what is he doing with the muscle patch? He got hurt by surfing?
PRX
Jinggg: 9.7
Don't eat snacks next time.
The highest mountain of KK killers is Demon1, and the longest river of KK killers is definitely you.
''You stole a win when I was gone, I shall give you my love as a father for your children's day gift.''
d4v41: 9.7
Goofy picture, coldest aim.
Do your mouse pad really fit for your cute fat hand?
F0sakeN: 9.6
KK is using his ulti, can you please show some respect and look scared for just a second?
I pray before Buddha (sounds like ''Fo'' in ''Fosaken'' in mandarin) for a thousand years: please don't fall asleep in finals. (This is a quote of a popular Chinese song.)
Mindfreak: 9.6
I know you want to perform, but don't perform first in a round. (This refers to how usually he clutches rather than getting first kills in a round.)
This is the mindfreak we know, we don't know who possessed you in Madrid.
Something: 9.4
You finally learnt the ancient Chinese skills of wall bang with Guardian after playing so many CN ranked? (This refers to how people cheat in Chinese servers.)
You can't use RGX AK and throw a lot, you really showed mercy on EDG.
Alecks: 9.5
Notes taken: Something once again didn't check corners when entry!
Alecks didn't get to use his Grand Slam (the Malphite E ability) today.

I want to start by saying that this will most likely be a long post, so I'm sorry in advance.
To begin, I have always been interested in Greek Mythology from a young age. I did extensive research on it and was constantly talking about it. I was raised in a household where one parent did not believe in Christianity, whereas the other one did, and brought me to church weekly. Long story short, I was 'forcibly' baptized, now I say that loosely because at the time it was something I thought I wanted, but in the back of my head I felt like I was doing it because it was "the right thing to do," and I didn't necessarily actually want to be baptized. From then on, I would lie, making up a bunch of excuses as to why I couldn't go to church, and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
Then, a few years went by, and my family fell into a huge estrangement from my mom's side of the family. Because of this, we stopped going to church together, and due to this, it had us all questioning out beliefs, at least my mom and I, not sure about my brother. For me, I became "atheist" for many years after this event, because to me, it felt like the 'safest' option. But in the back of my head, I still felt like there was something I believed in, only that I just hadn't found it yet.
Flashforward to about 4-5 months ago. I started my first semester of college in January and signed up for a Classic Mythology class. All the sudden, my love for mythology came back. I started researching it again to refresh my memory, I reread "The Song of Achilles" which is my favorite book of all time, as some would probably guess. I also read the entire textbook before I needed too, once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down, despite the difficult, confusing phrasing.
One day I was browsing through Etsy, and stumbled across a: "Which deity is calling to you?" reading. Safe to say I was intrigued. Now I must say, a few years prior to this I had first started my spiritual journey, and discovered I had a talent for divination, particularly tarot. I joined a group chat and gave a bunch of readings to people across the U.S., and was told by every single person that my readings were accurate, and that many of the things I told them would happen, did. I found a mentor through some friends, because they told their aunt about me, who was psychic, and she took me in. She taught me a bit more about spirituality, but nothing about the Gods. Once again, long story short, this didn't end well. We got into a fight because one day I had been at a fair in my city and met some "psychics" there who read my palm, the continue to not tell me anything besides that I was "cursed." I obviously called bs, told my mentor, and to my disdain, she agreed with them. I was very hurt by this and stopped talking to her. A few months later, she appeared in one of my dreams, so I reached out to her. She said she had been thinking about me as well. At first, I thought this was a good thing. Until she spammed me with a bunch of Catholic preaching videos telling me she had abandoned all of her spiritual practices and converted. I was devastated. I didn't respond, and removed her number from my phone, and that was the end of that. I haven't heard from her since, and I'm also no longer friends with the twins she was the aunt of, so even if I wanted to check in on her, there's no way for me to do so. The point of me mentioning this was to mainly say that because I had once I practiced tarot almost every day, so at first I thought I could give myself my own deity reading. However, I quickly remembered I was out of practice, and I also just wanted someone else's opinion, since I could end up biased.
Anyway, the first reading I bought said that Minerva was reaching out to me. Honestly, I just shrugged this one off. She was correct in the fact that I value the arts, as I was a dancer for 12 years, I'm also a singer and writer. However, I had never felt a connection to her, so I decided to buy another one. This time, I gave the reader a bit more context, and looking back, it might've been too much. I wish I still had the exact message I had written, but I still remember the basics of what I said. I basically told her that I was an out of practice tarot reader, or just out of practice spiritualist in general. I gave a brief recollection of what happened between me and my mentor, and I'm not sure why, because I'm realizing it's not particularly relevant, unless it was and I'm just not remembering why. Now, for the reason of this long post. I mentioned briefly that I had always felt connected to Apollo, and I wasn't sure why. I'm sure I probably said more, like other basic information, but I don't remember.
About a day goes by, and I get the notification that she was done with the reading. I quickly opened it, and was pleasantly shocked by the news. The only thing I really paid attention to was that she had confirmed that indeed, Apollo has been trying to reach out to me. She also said that Aphrodite was trying to as well, but once again, I've never had much of a draw to her so I didn't do much with that. Anyway, she had sent me a document with information about Apollo, and the information I found had been shocking. A bunch of things lined up. I won't go into every single little thing, but one example that has stuck with me was that one of the crystals associated with him is clear quartz, and a few days prior, I had made a clear quartz necklace, that I now wear every day.
After this, a bunch of things seemingly started to line up. I got back into tarot, and I gave my friend a reading. I basically told him he was going to receive a job offer, and not even 2 days later, he texted me saying he received an extremely nice job offer. I then did a reading for myself, and pulled the 4 of swords, a tarot card associated with Apollo. So you get the gist, things started lining up. I felt very hopeful, like I had finally found my path. However, in the back of my head I couldn't shake the feeling that I was insane, and that this was all in my head. This stems back to when I was practicing Christianity, as I had felt the same way. Despite this, I decided I would try and communicate with Apollo thorough meditation. I tried this a few times, and to this day I don't know if I was actually talking to him or not. However, I kept with it, until about a month ago. I basically just almost stopped doing anything, stopped listening to the playlist I had made for him, stopped reading tarot again, just overall stopped practicing anything. I think this was because I got in my head again, and convinced myself that I was making stuff up.
Now, for the last part of this post. I woke up in the middle of the night last night due to me having an extremely vivid dream. Now one thing I must say, for the last few weeks I've been having extremely vivid dreams and when I wake up, I have sleep paralysis. Not sure the meaning behind that, but anyway, in the dream I had been with one of my friends shopping, and we were looking at incense holder figurine type things, and I came across a wall where they were ALL just Apollo. I picked out one that was Apollo and Hyacinthus together. Then, we went to this giant wall of incense, and started picking out some. We checked out, and then I woke up. My question, out of all of this, is... do you think this is Apollo trying to tell me that this isn't all in my head? That he really is watching over me? Now I understand that a lot of the things I do are what he is the god of. Music and dance, divination, poetry, etc. He also presides over the sun, which I feel the need to mention that I'm a Leo, the sign ruled by the Sun, and my big three are all fire signs. This is important because I have a candle dedicated to him on my desk, and every time I light it, the flame is extremely high, like I'm talking a few inches high. If I ask if he's there, to make it flicker, and it does. However, I don't know if the flame is high because of the type of candle, I'm hoping someone can give me some clarification on that. The type of candle I'm using is a giant chime candle, about 10 inches long. I also learned that he's the god of healing, which I found very reassuring. Without getting too much into it, I am mentally ill, and on a lot of meds. After I learned he was the god of healing, I felt a lot better about taking my meds, hoping that one day they'd actually start doing something. I must say, after I started feeling that way, it seems things have improved a little bit.
After all of this, I guess my real question is, after reading this, does it sound like Apollo could be watching over me? Or could be my patron deity? If any of you think so, then I'll definitely look into getting an altar set up and start doing everything I was before. I mainly just want confirmation that everything that has happened isn't just a coincidence, that it's not all in my head. I know that at the end of the day, that belief needs to come from me, but having some support would be really helpful.

Hello everyone, I’m a 38 year old man and struggling with bipolar disorder, dysthymia, general anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, body dysmorphia, possible schizophrenia, and severe stomach pain. Every day feels like a brutal, unwinnable war, and I’m finding it very hard to see a way out. This post turned out to be very long, I have no idea what I’m expecting to happen from posting it, and I most likely wouldn’t read it either, but seeing as I’m already seeing a therapist, a case manager, and a doctor exclusively designated to prescribe mental health meds (all through medicaid, I take 3 different meds right now for mental health reasons), I don’t know what else to do besides the basic momentary things meant to hold over the more extreme thoughts of self-harm.
While I am an only child, I’ve never lived on my own away from my parents for very long. They are much older than most people’s parents my age and have a very conservative, antiquated, entitled outlook on parenting. They did not see my success and prosperity as a priority, but rather something that I was solely responsible for even as a child left completely unattended in my room for hours. I have grown into an embarrassingly incompetent adult, bullied and mocked despite my age. While I am not blaming them entirely for this and am aware that there were better choices I could have made to prevent this outcome, I often wonder what they were doing and what was going through their head at points in my life where I desperately needed help while they believed it was their inalienable right not to care, such as when I attempted suicide at 13 by overdosing on medication, ending up in the ER, and then being made to go back to school the next day. One memory that especially stings is when I tried to bring my mother into a therapy session, only for her to vehemently stress that it wasn’t her responsibility to pay to help me beyond what medicaid could do before accusing my then-therapist of being in love with me and walking out.
I have no education beyond high school, as my attention span and mental illness have rendered me completely useless academically. I have read an embarrassingly low amount of books as well for the same reason. I was a horrible student from kindergarten all the way through senior year of high school, I never did my homework because of my hyperactivity and attention span, but still got shamed and scolded for it. To this day, aside from trivial things like music and cats, I have no interests that I have any desire to pursue an education/career in. Things like technology and the way things work hold no mystery to me at this point, and all I really want to do for the rest of my life is be free of pain and relax.
I have tried and failed to hold steady employment for most of my life. Since I was 16, no matter how hard I work, I never get promoted or given a chance to earn much more money than minimum wage. I have never made more than $17/hr in my life. When I need money, I have no option other than working customer service jobs, where I often am made to work alongside teenagers who are 20-30 years younger than me. I worked at a movie theater in 2015 where a bunch of them got me fired because they thought it’d be funny. I worked at Planet Fitness in 2019 where I was told that if I worked 3rd shift for 3 months that I would be promoted, only to find out that this was a lie the 21 year old general manager told me to get out of working those shifts himself, and when I brought this up to the district manager, I was told to “stop causing so much drama.” When I finally got a job at a non-profit that worked with homeless people as an executive assistant, I thought I had found my calling, only to again do the jobs of several different people, run the entire intake program by myself, get abused/harassed by clients despite trying to help them, and never be scheduled for more than 35 hours a week while the CEO’s family worked hardly ever and made 6 figures a year while being annoyed at my presence (at this job in particular, I was fired 4 days after my friend passed away. They also told the state that I quit in order to try getting out of paying me UI. I eventually got it, but it took 7 weeks of deliberate hold-ups and calls to the governor's office.)
I don’t have any close friends I can turn to, and often fall out with them due to my temperament and inability to control my emotions despite people always telling me that they’ll stick by me no matter what. My parents choose to move a lot, flushing money down the toilet and chasing an idea of flipping a home that never works out like gambling addicts, and as soon as I feel like I’m putting my feet in the ground somewhere, the rug is pulled out from under me and I’m made to start my life over again, especially as I can never afford to stay by myself anywhere.
I have never had a serious relationship with someone who genuinely liked me, and the relationships I have had have been very so hurtful that it’s nearly impossible for me to trust anyone anymore. Some of the things my exes have said and done still stick with me, despite having been single for 9 years now. I have a knot in my stomach and am still always a little scared to leave the house after my then-girlfriend in 2015 dated me seemingly to just bully me for fun, using me for insult-comedy material for her friends, getting me mad on purpose or straight up telling me to kill myself (as a “joke”) before sending screenshots of my reaction to her (mostly male) friends (she saw herself as being above accountability for things like this simply because her mom had passed away a few years prior). She once asked for a video of me masturbating, and I only discovered recently that she sent this video to multiple people, and this video has since become an inside joke within their friend group. (I have had free consultations with lawyers over this but I can’t really do anything without proof that is all long gone)
One of my major insecurities is my height/size. Being 5’6” as an adult man has always made me feel less than, and I often feel judged and overlooked because of it. I never physically grew to the potential I could have, and it seems my parents really didn’t care that I spent hours upon hours alone in my room playing video games and never sleeping. This insecurity adds to my feelings of worthlessness and makes social interactions even more challenging. The fact I can’t change this feels like a knife to the gut. The jokes and memes about how I’m ugly/worthless are never just jokes, and I worry that I will most likely die without anyone having truly known me simply because they don’t want to be seen with a short guy. No matter how much I work out, no matter how much I eat, I can barely keep on weight due to my anxiety, my arms, hands, and wrists are smaller than most young girls’, and 99% of the time I enter a room, I am the smallest person in it, male or female, and regardless of age. Many times other guys have said to me something to the effect of (with decent intentions) “man I feel bad for you, if I was that small I’d kill myself.”
The intrusive thoughts and memories never stop, to the point where I often find myself saying ‘god fucking dammit’, ‘jesus christ I hate myself’, ‘god what is wrong with me’, ‘i wanna die’, ‘i wish [person] would fucking die’ multiple times a day. It is hard to find even a moment of peace. When I go for walks or when I’m at the store or something, I’ll sometimes have this urge to just lay on the floor face down, and I really couldn’t tell you why, it almost feels like my place. I will relive traumatic moments in my head and then become enraged when I imagine what I would have done in those instances knowing what I know now. My heart will race and sometimes I’ll even cry, simply because my mind just remembered a random occurrence from my past (or sometimes something that didn’t even happen.)
I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that suicidal thoughts are not a big part of my daily life. If anything, my fear of heights has saved my life in a way, as it’s prevented me from jumping off various bridges, despite trying a few times and getting too overwhelmed. I’ve never had access to guns or certain drugs that would be a sure thing in ending my life, but I’ve definitely looked into it. I guess it’s a good thing I’m too stupid and incompetent to learn how to tie a noose either, but I still wish I had the guts sometimes to just call it quits. I do however think about what it would be like for my mother to have to get that call that I’m dead, and she doesn’t deserve that, regardless of her abuse/neglect.
Throughout my life, I have often had the thought of “in the future, when everything is ok and I have everything I need to be at peace…” but nothing changes, no matter what I do, and now I’m almost 40 in the same place I was when I was 15 and people are still telling me to hold on. It just feels insulting. When I was forced to attend christian programs as a teen (despite my parents not attending church), I thought a lot about the concept of heaven and would say to myself “well at least after I die, I ‘ll be happy in heaven.”
Again, I don’t know what I was looking to accomplish in writing this. It did feel satisfying to get everything down in an organized fashion. There are other factors I obviously wish I could touch on (my past hard drug use, my current struggle with quitting marijuana, my stomach issues, my unhealthy relationship with porn), but I guess I’d just like to know if there’s anyone else out there who is even close to being in the same boat, because I don’t know how to deal with the panic that sets in when thinking about the literal decades I’ve spent rotting away in my room. Any tips or personal stories would be really appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Recently, I attended a Bible school in Florida. Originally, I am from the West Coast. At this Bible school, they taught about the gift of prophecy. Here are some of the things that were taught:
Prophecy on Demand

• Teaching: Sanctified imagination and prophecy on demand—where you say a prayer and assume that the first thought that comes to mind is from God.

Prophets and Accountability

• A prophet can prophesy falsely repeatedly, but as long as their intent is good, they should retain their title as prophets.
• Anyone and everyone can prophesy; you just need to learn how to discern between the voice of God and your thoughts.
• Prophets can be incorrect and still be considered prophets of God.
• It is acceptable for a prophet to be correct only half the time as they grow in their gift.
• The concept of "breaking some eggs before making an omelet" was accepted in learning prophecy. Meaning, some people might be hurt in your learning process, but it's fair game.
• Encouraged giving words, even if they are inaccurate, until the student learns to hear from God accurately.
• Students were taught to tell people what they felt God put on their hearts without a clear standard for stopping after repeated inaccuracies.
• It raised the question of whether the gift of prophecy is learned or received; this teaching seemed like it leaned toward "learned."

Prophecy is Encouragement

• Prophecy is equal to the following: "Imagine Jesus entered the room; what encouraging thing would He tell that person?" Then you tell that person what you think Jesus would say.

Judging Manifestations by Outcome

• Teaching: The outcome is the standard by which to judge whether a manifestation is from the Holy Spirit.
• My opinion: If “good results (like inner healing)” are the ultimate judge of whether something originated from the Holy Spirit, then we risk misattributing weird and flat-out alarming manifestations to the Holy Spirit only because the person who experienced such a manifestation claims that they are in some way “better” after that experience. Removing scriptures from the picture and saying, “Don’t limit God,” can easily lead to a dire situation in a church. There is wisdom in following the scriptures closely and judging all things using the scriptures; the word of God is the ultimate authority on all things concerning our faith.

Origins and History
I am writing this post mainly to share the history I found on this teaching. However, I do not claim to have found the root. I think I did, but please correct me if I am wrong.
The teaching we were taught came from Kris Vallotton's booklet. His name is also on the Physics of Heaven book, which contains new-age ideas. It is in this book that Bob Jones is mentioned as a user of the term "sanctified imagination." Kris Vallotton regarded Bob Jones as his spiritual father. Just a quick Google and you will find Kris's facebook posts about Bob Jones having a tremendous influence on him. On Bethel's YouTube channel, Kris shares a few of his testimonies tied to Bob Jones.
I looked at Ernie Gruen's report on the "Aberrant Practices" at the Kansas City Fellowship/Grace Ministries, and I deeply distrust anything that came out of Kansas City Fellowship. Bob Jones was caught abusing women in their church, Paul Cain lived in sin, and recently, Mike Bickle was caught. Additionally, Bob Jones was performing seances on heaven visitations just a few years before his death in Bethel. Videos of this are still on YouTube.
It appears that any teaching on the prophetic that has been widespread in recent years is somehow connected to the Kansas City Prophets. All these people were or still are affiliated with the Kansas City Prophets:
Sam Storms, John Wimber, Larry Randolph, Jack Deere, and Kris Vallotton.
If I haven't found the root of this teaching, please help me trace its history further back. However, if I have found the root, should we avoid these teachings, given that these authors on prophetic gifts were affiliated with the Kansas City Prophets? Especially knowing how much evil, abuse, and deception came out of the Kansas City Fellowship.
Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?
Matthew 7:15-16

Leviathan, the Eikon of Water concept art
Leviathan, the lost Eikon of Water, has finally been found! After months of waiting, the Rising Tide downloadable content (DLC) has been released and with it, I am once again rambling about the mythological, religious, and cultural inspirations behind the Eikons of Final Fantasy XVI. If you would like to check out any of my previous posts on the subject of Eikons, you can find them here:

1.) Phoenix

2.) Ifrit

3.) Shiva

4.) Ramuh

5.) Garuda

6.) Titan

7.) Bahamut

8.) Odin

As I’ve said in the past, if you feel that I may have said something wrong, or if you would like to add to what information I have provided; by all means please do so. I absolutely welcome the discussion.
The sea serpent Leviathan, like most of the Eikons, has been a staple of the Final Fantasy series since its introduction as one of the original summons#Summon_Magic) from 1990’s Final Fantasy III. While modern usage of the terms “leviathan” and “behemoth” are often used to denote something large and imposing, these words actually originate as the names of two creatures from the Tanakh (or Hebrew Bible). According to the verses 40:15-41:34 in the Book of Job, Leviathan and Behemoth are two gigantic and nigh indestructible animals born around the same time as the creation of the first two humans Adam and Eve, with Behemoth residing over the wilderness east of the Garden of Eden called Duidain and Leviathan bound to the watery Abyss) as stated in verses 60:7-10 in the apocryphal Book of Enoch. While the term abyss may bring to mind the idea of a bottomless hole or even an underworld such as the Greek Hades, Hebrew Sheol, or Christian Hell; the Septuagint, the earliest Greek translation of the Hebrew Bible, often uses the term abyss to instead refer to deep bodies of water. In fact, Abyss is the translated noun for the Hebrew Tehom, or the “deep” primordial waters from which the god Yahweh formed the world after the creation of light as stated by the verses 1:2-10 in the Book of Genesis; which is but one example of the cosmic ocean motif, whereby existence is conceptualized as originating from a watery void. I find it very interesting then that the Abyss is referenced several times in the Rising Tide DLC, such as in the name of Leviathan’s Eikonic ability Abyssal Tear; the Motes of Water adage “Know that even should you walk Abyss, our hands will guide you home” from the Minwu Arm Ring description; or the description of the Radiant Tidestrike weapon that says “Surge did the tide, the water rising as if it were some mighty whale stranding itself upon the shore. Behold, the Devourer of Worlds. The beast within whose foul belly our hopes are carried unto the Abyss. - Eikonomachy - Book of Currents 15:40-41”.
From the aforementioned verses of the diegetic Book of Currents, as well as one of the Active Time Lore Entries for Leviathan that states “Old writings clearly speak of Dominants past summoning great whale-like creatures capable of swallowing entire cities…”; we can possibly see a reference to Leviathan) swallowing the protagonist Firion and his allies on their way to the Mysidian Tower in Final Fantasy II. However, I would suggest that these quotes go further than mere references to past games and are actually an allusion to the parable of Jonah surviving in the belly of a whale from the eponymous Book of Jonah. For those unfamiliar with the story, the Hebrew prophet Jonah was tasked by God to preach on His behalf to the citizenry of Nineveh in the Neo-Assyrian Empire. Jonah instead refuses the call, and attempts to sail across the sea to Tarshish. On the journey, Jonah and the sailors he is accompanied by are caught in a huge storm, and believing that Jonah’s dismissal of God is the cause, the sailors thus throw him overboard. God then sends a whale to swallow Jonah, with the intention of preventing the Israelite from drowning. Miraculously surviving in the whale’s stomach for 3 days, Jonah vows to do God’s bidding and is thus safely returned to shore, whereby he travels to Nineveh and beseeches the citizens to renounce their wicked ways, lest they be visited by calamity. This story is meant to illustrate that Yahweh is a merciful god who allows for second chances, giving not only Jonah, but also the Ninevites the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and redirect their course of actions.
With this parable in mind, I would like to mention that in 1949, literary professor Joseph Campbell published “The Hero with a Thousand Faces”; a work of comparative mythology in which he proposed his idea of the Monomyth (later called the Hero’s Journey). Campbell’s theory of the Monomyth posits that while most narratives involving a heroic protagonist may have differing contents, these stories also typically follow a similar pattern; that being a three-act structure comprised of 17 subset stages. One such stage in Campbell’s model is the Belly of the Whale (sometimes also referred to as the Abyss), one of the literally or figuratively lowest points in the story for the protagonist in which the hero must engage in introspection and commence a process of self-transformation if they are to be equipped to finish their journey. This stage acts as a symbolic death and rebirth for the protagonist, with some Christians even interpreting Jonah’s story as actually being an allegory for Jesus Christ’s sacrificial death and resurrection.
A prime example of this stage can be seen in Carlo Collodi’s 1883 novel “The Adventures of Pinocchio”, whereby the eponymous puppet Pinocchio and his creator Geppetto are swallowed by the Terrible Dogfish; with the typically irresponsible and selfish Pinocchio instead performing a self-sacrificial act in order to save his “father”, which he is thus rewarded for by being brought back to life as a human by the Fairy with Turquoise Hair. Viewing the Pinnochio narrative as an example of a more modern mythical epic, Thomas J. Morrissey and Richard Wunderlich state in “Death and Rebirth in Pinocchio”; “Gods can die and be reborn, or rise from the dead. Such mythological events probably imitate the annual cycle of vegetative birth, death, and renascence, and they often serve as paradigms for the frequent symbolic deaths and rebirths encountered in literature. Two such symbolic renderings are most prominent: re-emergence from a journey to hell and rebirth through metamorphosis. Journeys to the underworld [Katabasis] are a common feature of Eurasian literary epics: Gilgamesh, Odysseus, Aeneas, and Dante all benefit from the knowledge and power they put on after such descents. Rebirth through metamorphosis, on the other hand, is a motif generally consigned to fantasy or speculative literature… These two figurative manifestations of the death-rebirth trope are rarely combined; however, Carlo Collodi’s great fantasy-epic, The Adventures of Pinocchio, is a work in which a hero experiences symbolic death and rebirth through both infernal descent and metamorphosis”. We as the player also experience this Belly of the Whale stage in Final Fantasy XVI, when our heroes Clive Rosfield and Jill Warwick confront the Dominant of Darkness Barnabas Tharmr on the seafloor of the sundered Naldia Narrow, appropriately labeled as the Abyss, whereby Clive is soundly defeated by Barnabas for a second time. Fleeing their assailant, Clive and Jill consummate their love for one another on the shore of Ash, with Clive acquiring a portion of the Eikon Shiva’s powers from Jill so that he may finally triumph over Barnabas in a battle of physical prowess and ideals; proving to the false prophet and his God that compassion and the desire for freedom will always overcome any adversity.
With all this talk of whales, I should mention that from the descriptions as given in the Book of Job, Behemoth sounds to resemble that of a large ox or hippopotamus, while Leviathan is suggested as being similar to that of the tanninim) or “great whales” mentioned several times in the Hebrew Bible. In fact, Islamic folklore has its own variant of this terrestrial and aquatic duo, that being the large bull Kujata and the even larger whale Bahamut; as outlined by the medieval cosmographer Zakariya al-Qazwini in his seminal work “The Wonders of Creation”. Even though I am going to hazard a guess that the name of the Kuza Beast), a variant of the Behemoth enemy in several Final Fantasy games, is named after Kujata; it is quite obvious on the other hand that the draconic Eikon Bahamut borrows its name from the Islamic whale of the same name as well as the dragon god Bahamut) from the Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game. While the Book of Job describes Leviathan as being a whale or even a crocodile as suggested by a footnote in the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, verse 27:1 in the Book of Isaiah instead equates Leviathan to a sea serpent or dragon, with the Book of Job description also making it a point to mention Leviathan’s fearsome fiery breath. Given its status as a tutelary god for the Japanese-inspired nation of Wutai in Final Fantasy VII, it could be argued that Leviathan in the Final Fantasy series also shares similarities with Eastern dragons, such as the Chinese Lóng or Japanese Ryū; beneficent, serpentine deities of water and rain.
It is presumed that the figure and name of Leviathan actually originates from the older Canaanite sea monster Lôtān, whose name in the Ugaritic language meant “coiled” and was given the epithets “the fugitive serpent” or “the wriggling serpent”. In the first two tablets of the fragmentary Ugaritic Baal Cycle text, the storm god Baal (Lord) Hadad engages in a feud with the deification of the sea Yammu) to succeed their father El) as the ruler of the gods. At some point in this first chapter of the Baal Cycle, Hadad strikes down the seven-headed serpent Lôtān, who given the missing pieces of the text, could either be a servant of or another name for Yammu, with it also being believed that the monster was a zoomorphic representation of the Lebanese Litani River. Why I bring this up is to illustrate that Hadad’s defeat of Lôtān is but one example of the Chaoskampf mytheme, a pattern found in numerous Indo-European mythologies whereby a younger storm god or culture hero representing order and human civilization slays an ancient serpent or dragon associated with water that represents primordial chaos); perhaps a sentiment held by early agricultural riverine civilizations wishing to triumph over the constant and often devastating threat of floods.
One of the oldest examples of this mytheme is that of the Mesopotamian god Marduk’s dismemberment of Tiamat. According to the Babylonian Enūma Eliš, in the beginning there existed only Tiamat, the female personification of salt water; and Abzu, the male personification of fresh water. From the union of the two primeval waters sprang forth the first generation of gods called the Anunnaki. One such god, Enki (or Ea) would capture and kill Abzu after he plotted to kill his children due to the commotion they were causing. Enraged by Enki’s actions, Tiamat gave birth to eleven monstrous children to wage war against the gods along with her new consort Kingu, who possessed the Tablet of Destinies); the mark of divine rule. Marduk, the son of Enki, challenged Tiamat and her monsters, eventually slaying his opponents with lightning and storm winds. Defeated, Tiamat’s body was sliced in twain, with the two halves becoming the sky and earth. From an earlier promise made with the Anunnaki and the Igigi (lesser gods) as well as the acquisition of the Tablet of Destinies from the beaten Kingu, Marduk was made king of the gods; later mixing the blood of Kingu with clay to also become the creator of mankind.
Through the lens of the Chaoskampf mytheme, we can start to see connections between Tiamat’s dismemberment, the defeat of the multi-headed Lôtān, and Leviathan form. The non-canonical Book of Enoch actually specifies that the land-dwelling Behemoth is male, while the aquatic Leviathan is female; possibly creating an inadvertent association between Leviathan and the sea goddess and mother of monsters Tiamat. This may also be why Leviathan’s Chronolith Trial is named the Hand of Tethys. While still following the moons of Saturn naming convention, it is very fitting that the trial is also named after the Greek Tethys); wife of the world-encompassing river Oceanus and mother to the male river gods and female water nymphs called the Potamoi and Oceanids, respectively. Furthering the connections to Tiamat and Lôtān, several accounts in the Hebrew Bible describe Yawheh triumphing over the forces of the sea, such as in Isaiah 51:9-10 “Awake, awake, arm of the Lord, clothe yourself with strength! Awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab) to pieces, who pierced that monster through? Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed may cross over?” and Job 26:12-13 “By his power he churned up the sea; by his wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces. By his breath the skies became fair; his hand pierced the gliding serpent”. It is believed that Rahab, while occasionally used as a flowery term for Egypt or arrogance, was also a sea serpent either comparable to or synonymous with Leviathan. While Leviathan’s death at the hands of Yahweh in Isaiah 27:1 is viewed as a metaphor for the enemies of Israel who will submit to the Hebrew God, the Chaoskampf and the connection with the Canaanite Lôtān is further shown in verse 74:14 from the Book of Psalms, which says “Thou brakest the heads of leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness”; which is where the name of the trophy for beating Leviathan on Final Fantasy mode, Thou Brakest the Head, comes from.
Along with the account of Leviathan’s death in Psalms 74:12, several other Jewish sources, such as the Second Book of Esdras 6:47-52, the Apocalypse of Baruch 29:4, and the Bava Batra tractate in the Talmud state that Yahweh will slay Leviathan and Behemoth so that their flesh shall be given as food and shelter to the righteous during the End of Days and the Messianic Age. This may explain why the Behemoth King in FFXVI has several attacks referencing Christian eschatology from the Book of Revelation, such as the Four Horsemen; personifications of War, Conquest, Famine, and Death that herald the Last Judgment; and the Apocalypse, another term for a revelation which has since become synonymous with a cataclysmic end-time event, like the battle at Armageddon for instance. Leviathan and Behemoth’s statuses as eventual sacrifices is very similar to the role that Leviathan and its Dominant unfortunately play in Final Fantasy XVI.
Both DLCs, the Echoes of the Fallen and the Rising Tide, deal with themes of rectifying the sins of the past; whereby the Fallen and the Motes of Water engaged in questionable behavior in an attempt to create their own Mothercrystals to disastrous effect. The Motes of Water, a central focus of the Rising Tide, are a tribe originating from the southern coast of the continent of Ash and hosts to the Dominants of the Eikon Leviathan. After the loss of their Mothercrystal Drake’s Horn, the tribe migrated across the twin continent of Storm; where they were mercilessly persecuted by several groups, particularly the Greagorian faithful of the burgeoning Holy Empire of Sanbreque, causing the tribe and their Eikon to become “lost” to history. Due to their nomadic nature as well as Sanbreque’s similarities with the Roman and Holy Roman Empires, one could say that the Motes of Water mirror the Jewish Diaspora (exile) and transformation of the faith after the Roman Empire’s siege on Jerusalem) and the destruction of the Second Temple during the First Jewish-Roman War; or perhaps one could say the tribe is treated in a similar fashion to the oft demonized itinerant Romani people of eastern Europe. Either way, the Motes of Water are meant to represent the “Other”; ostracized outsiders to the customs of Storm who hid themselves away from the rest of the world to avoid further religious persecution.
After finding sanctuary in the northern territory of Mysidia, the Motes of Water tried to create for themselves a new Mothercrystal to replace the Northern Territories’ own shattered Mothercrystal called Drake’s Eye. The story of the Motes of Water is one of loss and a constant fight to carve out a place in the world to call their own, so it is no surprise then that they wished to regain something taken away from them so many years ago. However, the tribe would engage in a terrible act, enraging their Eikon Leviathan that laid dormant within the infant Dominant Waljas, and freeze both the baby and the Eikon in time to essentially act as an aether battery. Unsuccessful in turning Waljas into the heart of a Mothercrystal, all the tribe achieved was robbing the poor baby of its life and autonomy, imprisoning the Dominant and the tidal wave it summoned in that moment where the tribe’s greatest sin occurred for 80 years.
This frozen tsunami, dubbed the Surge, is not only a monument to the tribe’s greatest shame, but is also a constant looming threat over the tribe’s village of Haven; a reminder to never again engage in such a transgression, lest they be met with watery doom. This mirrors not only Jonah preaching to the Ninevites to change their ways, but also God’s warnings against individuals sacrificing children to Moloch in the Book of Leviticus 20:2-5. In fact, as ProfNoctis suggests in his video “Final Fantasy XVI Lecture Stream: The Mythos of Leviathan Part 2”; Leviathan and the Surge are symbols of human and divine regret, with Ultima, the creator of mankind and the Mothercrystals, referring to Leviathan as its “most profaned fragment”; due to the Eikon being rested from its creator’s control and the act of creating a man-made Mothercrystal being a repeat of the Fallen’s blasphemous attempts at attaining godhood during the War of the Magi and the Sins of Dzemekys, flagrant displays of mankind’s development of free will which is anathema to Ultima’s collective identity.
As a symbol of divine regret, the Surge could be seen as a parallel to the Flood from the Book of Genesis. Deluge or flood myths are motifs that can often be found amongst cultures residing near the Mediterranean Sea, Black Sea, and Persian Gulf such as Egypt, Greece, and Israel; with these stories usually recounting a tale in which a deity or deities summon a world-wide flood as a form of divine retribution. One of the earliest examples is the Mesopotamian Epic of Atra-Hasis, in which mankind was created by the gods to act as servants and laborers. However, due to overpopulation, the storm god Enlil seeks to reduce their numbers by bringing forth a great flood. Enki, seen as a benefactor of mankind, warns the human Atra-Hasis about the flood, telling him to build a boat to protect himself, his family, and his livestock from the deluge. After seven days, the waters recede and Enki and Enlil agree on other means of maintaining the human population. This story is also thought to have been later adapted in Tablet XI of the Epic of Gilgamesh, where the survivor of the flood is renamed Utnapishtim; though both the Atra-Hasis and Gilgamesh flood accounts seem to originate from an even older source called the Eridu Genesis. Similarly, the Greeks also had a deluge myth, as outlined in the Roman poet Ovid’s Metamorphoses, where Deucalion, the human son of the divine Prometheus, is warned by his father to build a chest for himself and his wife Pyrrha to escape a gigantic flood that the storm god Zeus plans to bring forth as a response to the insufficient offering given to him by Lycaon), the king of Arcadia); with the pair washing up on Mount Parnassus nine days after the storm.
There are several theories, such as the Black Sea Deluge Hypothesis, that propose that the ancient Middle East did indeed experience a large flood at some point in the very distant past. Given that flood myths are thus believed to have originated from Mesopotamia, it should come as no surprise that the Hebrew flood narrative bears similarities to the previously discussed deluge myths as well. According to chapters 6-9 in the Book of Genesis, God grows increasingly distraught over the wicked nature of the humans descended from Adam and Eve and their inadvertent creation of sin, and so decides to reset creation to a state of watery chaos. God warns one of the few moral men, the Antediluvian patriarch named Noah, about His plan to flood the world and instructs him to build an ark to house himself, his family, and two of each animal to be the first creatures to inhabit the new world. After the firmament breaks forth and floods the world for 40 days, Noah’s Ark washes up on Mount Ararat. Noah then builds an altar, with God forming a covenant with Noah whereby He declares to never again summon a flood to devastate the world. As Genesis 9:9-17 states, this promise between Noah and God is commemorated by the rainbow, a symbol of peace; which as ProfNoctis points out, also appears once Clive saves Waljas.
Through a certain perspective, the Flood could be seen as a sort of baptism, a spiritual cleansing of the world through physical water. Baptism is considered one of the 7 sacraments of the Christian Catholic denomination; a rite of initiation whereby the individual joining the faith is either submerged in or sprinkled with water three times, representing the purification of sin and the grace given by the Holy Trinity. This is not unlike the Rite of Immersion that the infant Waljas is granted at the conclusion of the Rising Tide DLC; a ceremony for all babies born into the Motes of Water in which the initiate is sprinkled with mountainous rain water from Maiden’s March, river water from Riversmeet, and sea water from Tailwind Bay. The water used in this rite is used as a metaphor for life’s journey, likened by the tribe to that of a river, with this revealing that the Motes of Water hold a very cyclical view of life in a similar fashion to the Buddhist beliefs in reincarnation or the Lifestream from Final Fantasy VII. As the descriptions for the 3 kinds of water used in the ceremony state; “The rain that falls upon the mountains of Mysidia emerges in the springs of Maiden’s March. Thus the water collected from said springs represents birth-the fountainhead from which the river of life begins”, “In the Riversmeet valley, several tributaries merge into a single stream, where clear currents and roiling eddies swim side by side. Its water represents life-a course complete with myriad meanderings, yet one that runs inexorably from source to sea”, and “The Mysidian river empties into the ocean amid the shallows of Tailwind Bay, and thus its water represents death-the stillness that lies beyond the end of the river of life, and from whence the raindrops are born anew”. In fact, the symbol for the village of Haven is meant to be the combination of Leviathan’s scales and the river called the Ceaseless Rill, “...the circle of life that has neither beginning nor end”, not unlike the serpentine symbol of the Ouroboros. I would thus argue that not only does Leviathan represent regret and retribution, but also the chaotic journey of life.
If it’s not already apparent, I find Leviathan to be very interesting. I want to thank you all for sticking around and reading the whole thing, as I know this was a lot. If you would like to check out some more information about Leviathan, I would recommend checking out the videos “Leviathan of Final Fantasy VS the Leviathan of the Bible - FF16 The Rising Tide” by Country Kratos and “A Brief History of Final Fantasy Summons Final Fantasy Lore” by Alleyway Jack.
With the conclusion of both DLCs, Clive and by extension the player, is granted one additional Eikonic power. As such, I am actually going to do one more essay, which I will post next week. I hope you look forward to it and thank you again for reading this. Have a fantastic day!
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Well many of you were right I should not have met him in person but I did. He took me out to lunch insisting he pay for it all and it was incredibly over the top. He had flowers and a written letter of apology but as some of you messaged me his apologies dodged the point by way of "if I hurt you" or "that you're feeling x or y feeling" etc. He quoted some scriptures and said he has repented as his carelessness caused me harm.
I wasn't much moved by any of it until he said how much his family loves me and how much our church roots for us as a couple and I kinda sat back and realized that one flimsy reason I was even entertaining forgiving him and staying was because of the pressure I dealt with as the GF of a pastors son. It occurred to me that there were so many times I let things slide because he is the heir apparent so he had the power in the social aspect of our community.
Sorry I know I am rambling but I'm emotional and tipsy.
I remembering just staring at him and saying it was incredibly alarming that by now he can't be aware of my oe Ingle allergy and that he didn't bother to tell his own GF he was stepping out with the guys or even that he was stepping out of his own sisters wedding at all. He then said it was really actually kind of stupid of me to eat a cake that had coconut and implied I am an idiot for not realizing what I had was coconut. I realized then he would never accept that he was in the wrong and thus there was no point.
I stood up and and smiled and said "You know what, don't worry about it. Thanks for dinner. Goodnight." To which he replied that if I wasn't going to grow up and accept his apology I am a waste of his time. He uses that a lot whenever we disagree and it usually hurts me deeply but this time it was like a roladex of memories flooded my brain and I really suspect he's been deliberately making me sick whenever we disagree to teach me a lesson. I said I was done and he needn't waste his time with me from this point on and left. I then sent screenshots to his father explaining the situation as best I can without blaming Michael for prior illnesses without proof and I got a text about 20 minutes ago from his father.
His father is "incredibly dissppinted" in my immaturity and hurt that I wouldn't even give it until Sunday at church where we can pray together, talk it our and heal. I felt this way for a while but I was able to say it this time that using religion as a took of guilt is low and I am no longer concerned with his version of God as that version is a judgemental, cruel, and heartless jerk while the one I always thought of was loving, compassionate, and kind, and I am done. I was told by him and by further emails rolling in that I am no longer welcome at my church until I reconcile with my "true husband" and learn compassion and respect for my leaders.
So I guess that's it. I will enjoy sleeping in tomorrow and eating coconut free food, while lazing about my home rather than going to three sperate church services starting at 8am and then figure it all out from there.
I don't know how to sign off but I do watch a concerning amount of Charlotte Dobre videos and she usually ends things with practical shit like "do your laundry" or something so I will just say - live for yourself, feed your soul, and know you are enough. I certainly am going to put in the work to get there and I hope we all make it to the other side contented, and filled with love and joy.
And by the way, F you Michael. I know you are reading this. I know you know it's me. And I hope your socks are always just a little soggy. 🫶

My bf and I (both 27) have been together for 2 years, just bought a house & have plans to get engaged soon
My boyfriend has always had a tough relationship with his mom but it’s gotten out of control the more serious we get. She treats him like a child, gets mad we make our own decisions, sends rude texts,and expects us to drop everything for her and we can’t say no.
The day we closed on our home she called him and called him a dissapointment and said "your relationship is toxic” and listed out all the things she doesn’t like about me. I heard the entire conversation and started to cry. This is going to be my husband and knowing his parents don’t like me to such extremes hurts so badly. Not to mention the way she treats him is awful as well.
When we first started dating his mom was very welcoming; complimenting me, saying we were a great couple. And I was more than happy that we seemed to have a great relationship as soon as we met. When we moved in together I noticed she started acting differently towards me, but didn’t think anything of it. As our relationship progressed I saw more and more her behavior towards me changing.
I am jewish, which she has always been very welcoming of and in the past has gotten me gifts for the holidays. This Christmas she told my boyfriend I could go sit in the other room alone while she put a church service on tv.
She blamed me for taking my bf away from his friends without any proof, said it’s “my fault” we bought our house and many other hurtful things I can’t forget. She will blame anything she can on me to make me look like a bad person. She went on to say I need to do work on my end to mend the relationship with her.
My bf was insanely angry at her, let some time pass and then had a conversation with his mother and his father about her behavior and expressed that her behavior cannot continue and that it’s not her place to comment on a relationship that isn’t hers and say hurtful things about his soon to be fiancé . In that conversation she agreed to apologize to me for what she said.
It's been more than two months, so my boyfriend informed his dad that she has yet to reach out to and made it clear that she still needs to apologize. A couple days later he called his mom and had to beg her to apologize to me. When he asked her to say sorry she lied and said she already apologized to me, which never happened.
Her inability to apologize for the hurtful things she has said tells me everything.
My boyfriend recognizes the fact that she doesn’t see him as an adult and thinks he’s still a child she can control and can’t stand the fact that he’s in a serious relationship. We both know the root of the issue is that she is realizing she can’t control him anymore and is taking it out on me.
I told my boyfriend that I’m not going to tolerate someone treating me that way and I’m setting the boundary of she’s not someone I want to associate myself with. I’m a firm believer in treating people how you want to be treated and she doesn’t do that. I have no problem with my boyfriend continues his relationship with her, but that isnt someone I’ll ever consider my family

Hey G. How are you? How’s work treating you? Still keeping up at the gym? How’s your mom doing? What about your projects, what have you made so far and what’s new? I still miss you. Every time I draw a painting idea you come. I have three ideas coming with you as my subject matter. I’ve never done anything like that with anyone. I still love you. I want to still be with you. And I want to be that husband for you. I still carrying the engagement ring I wanted to surprise you, my last surprise to you. I plan on wearing it as a necklace to remind myself what love is and what it can be. Plus I plan on buying personal rings to have what’s important to me. Love, family, friends, myself, and God. Wish we honestly could have gone to church again. You don’t release how much it meant to me you coming. I felt happy and so safe. I’m so stupid for hurting you. I know you want to close this book but just because the story looks the same doesn’t mean it has the same ending to it. I still believe in what you said 3yrs ago about us being soulmates. You don’t release how much you meant to me because I didn’t know how to express it or show it. I love you so damn much and want to be able to call you mine. I miss you playing with my hair, stoping a tv show because I said something too dark and you checking on me. I miss you playing games on my PS5 because I saw how happy you get and makes me smiles. I love you and still want to ask you to marry me. I pray to God he leads us together again. I love you - love N.

‘The implications of AWDTSG are terrifying in nature and pave the way for full-on fascism in the long term’
((Thank you, FullSadSack, for this quote, which I lifted from another thread in this sub! I figured this topic would be worth its own post too!))
If you had proposed that these groups were in some way leading toward fascism when I had first discovered this issue of AWDTSG I would have laughed it off… but, terrifyingly, the more I’ve learned about the way these groups operate, the more parallels to hate groups and historically used methodologies of cultural suppression begin to stand out.
The KKK in civil rights era southern states would utilize anonymity by masking themselves and they would meet in secret, telling no one outside of the group that they existed. They would often plaster towns with posters displaying the names and faces of people brave enough to stand up for the rights of all humans, effectively ’blacklisting’ those people from participating in local business, attending church, and likely ruining their social and romantic lives.
The secret police of Nazi Germany encouraged the anonymous reporting of individuals who were aligned against their cause or providing safe harbor for Jews. They similarly would distribute lists of names of individuals who were not supporting the Nazi regime. Their tribunals had no due process, people who were reported were often simply brutally murdered or disappeared overnight, and it was often utilized by individuals to destroy a rivals life, regardless of ‘wrongdoing’. AWDTSG similarly has created a database for a woman to look up anything said about a man by searching his first name. Posts and comments are archived indefinitely. Any hearsay or rumor, irrespective of validity or truth, can follow a man around, undermining his ability to live and thrive in his community, unbeknownst to him, and with no opportunity for him to see or even refute the claims.
Even women who stand up for men they know to be of good character, refute the claims of other women, or simply share the existence of the groups, stand to be punished by the groups themselves, with their faces and names posted to the AWDTSG ‘wall of shame’, where local women can choose to treat them as community pariahs, crippling their ability to live a fulfilling life, just like they do to men.
Misogyny AND misandry are listed by US federal government as form of discriminatory hate. The culture perpetuated within these women-only groups has gestated into one of outright man-hating, with even their founders and admin actively, publicly referring to our entire demographic of human beings as ‘angry men’. The dehumanizing practice of painting us as monsters to be feared is everywhere. Anybody who spends more than a minute in these groups will find language that, if one substitutes ‘man’ for ‘woman’ or a racial minority, is textbook discrimination. The double standard and hypocrisy is as appalling as it is glaring.
So… could this rapidly spreading methodology of utilizing secretive meeting spaces and anonymity in order to spread hate and distrust amongst women and men, which further has effectively created an extrajudicial searchable database of all our unproven accusations from biased witnesses, which actively insists on denying us our rights, violating our privacy, and dismissing our consent, be something that could sew hatred and tear at the fabric of democratic social values????
Yeah, sure as hell seems ripe to do so. And it does it all in the clever disguise of ‘women’s rights and safety’, ‘liberal values’, and ‘safe spaces’, crippling any media outlets, politicians, law enforcement, and court systems from speaking the truth and exposing the groups for what they are.
It’s exactly what it seems and it sure as hell could become a dystopian nightmare if it is allowed to entrench itself in our free societies.
If anybody else has examples they’d like to share of the similarities between the Are We Dating The Same Guy groups and societal and political oppression throughout history, let’s discuss them here! Thanks everybody!!!

I (29f) have been living with my boyfriend (25m) for a little over a year now . Since moving into our new apartment, we have always split the bills evenly. The only thing that we do not split evenly is the car. I pay for the car entirely even though we both use it. For the past year and a half I have never come short on my portion of the rent or any of the other bills. In fact, once I had a few extra dollars in my pocket, I even paid rent in full and gave my boyfriend a break one month, because I just wanted to do a nice gesture . If I could do that all the time I would. However, this past month I got laid off from my job and I’ve been unemployed for only two weeks now. I am not too worried about it because I know I will find employment soon because I am determined, and I hate not working. I have been actively searching by applying online and even have went into a few places to drop off my résumé. My boyfriend knows I’ve been doing this, I even cried in his arms about how sad I was to not be working. Well, the first of the month rolls around, and I told my boyfriend that I don’t have the rent. He decided to absolutely freak out on me for it. For example, immediately after informing him that I don’t have the funds this month, he raised his voice right away and started to make me feel like a loser. He then sent me many text messages that were disrespectful and degrading such as saying “ I'm not your sugar daddy, I'm not 40 or 50. I am 25. I CANNOT PROVIDE. I do not make enough to provide like that” and “Find a job. Stop going to 1-2 places to look for work. You need to be going in and out of employers ALL DAY. You need to hit up 10-20 different locations” and “Yeah because you spend all your money on pointless bullshit and then when it's time to pay your half of the rent you say I don't have any money So you better figure out a way to get that money out of the CD” and “Yeah that's exactly what I'm saying. Don't count on me. I can't provide. I am 25 lol. I am literally younger than you and you want me to pay all your bills?” and “I see right through you. Despicable. Narcissist.” All of those words simply because I am short on rent this month. DISCLAIMER: My boyfriend has a good full-time job (which I found for him) and he also has two other sources of passive income, which makes him very financially stable at this time. So it breaks my heart to witness his reaction when I came to him in vulnerability, letting him know that I did not have enough money for rent this month. Giving the circumstances, I really thought he would understand. As you can see from the direct quotes I inputted earlier in this ^ of what he texted me, he is not very understanding in the least. Complete opposite actually! It’s even more hurtful that he is refusing to help because before we moved into our new apartment, my mother let him stay at her home for months and my mother never asked for a dime from him. Ironically, while he was staying with me and my mother at my mother’s home, he was unemployed for months! So to witness him freaking out over me not having the funds for rent this month, and even after me, promising to pay him back, which I would, is making me feel like I can’t ever count on him or trust him as a man. Mind you, this is the same boyfriend who is always telling me. He wants me to be more submissive. Anywho, he went on to call me “financially irresponsible” all because I put most of my savings into a CD to gain interest for a couple of months. If I could take that money out to pay rent, I would, but I can’t at the moment so I thought he would understand. I also did not expect to get laid off from my job. So, please, inform me, if you were my boyfriend, would you also be PISSED that your partner couldn’t make rent to the point you send disrespectful and combative messages because of it? Am I in the wrong for not being able to pay half of my portion this month?
TL;DR; : My boyfriend (25m) is PISSED at me (29f) for being short on rent this month. He told me I “better come up with my half”. Are his actions validated ?

So, I live in Texas... I think I should just start with that.
I went to see a new PCP after waiting for 4 months to get everything else under the hood checked out. I have concerns about diabetes/Insulin resistance and having a lower immune system because I am getting respiratory infections very easily and being sick all the time doesn't help my endo at all.
Explain all my health stuff, go deep into explaining my laundry list of meds/hormones/therapies, and my planned future procedures for excision surgery.
She quips, how do you stay so strong and keep your faith up? Now- I was stupid and tried to fill in the blanks for her to understand what she meant. "Oh, You know I have a great support system, I go to mental health therapy, and I am close with my family. My partner is a huge help!" "Yes, but what are doing FOR YOUR FAITH?" It clicks- oh no oh no oh no it's happening it's finally happening.... She went on a long monologue about the community of the church for individuals' needs, spiritual health/healing on the immune system (WHAT??), how she sees my gyno notes about my endo and that "I should pray for a miracle because Jesus and the bible do heal!"
I sat there absolutely gobsmacked while she poked and prodded me. I completely froze. While I am an agnostic, I believe there could be something out there but we cannot explain, or begin to understand what that could be just like the mysteries of the universe. I believe the bible was early man utilizing the finite and scarce resources they had to make and distribute a single book and that book is supposed to be utilized as a guide for how to be early man. "Hey man, shellfish are extremely dirty and can get you sick, also maybe don't steal from people that's bad and can get you kicked out of the village." not to be a literal thing.
So hearing, "HEY PRAY TO SKY DADDY!! SKY DADDY WILL FIX IT!" really hurt my feelings as I have spent so many nights keeled over in a bath that's gone cold or had an emergency visit where my ovary had torsion and they told me it could die while just telling me to rest and take Tylenol. It has kept me up since. I just can't believe it happened. I can't be the only one.
TLDR: Was an idiot and let my new PCP go on a rant about how I need god to fix my endo and froze. I didn't do anything but it's bugged me. Has it happened to anyone else?
Edit: thank you for the overwhelming response, I will try to reply when I am off of work. I’m glad this is such a supportive community. I’ve only ever filed a complaint against one doctor before and it was because they had given me a medication that I ended up being allergic to and when I had a reaction that sent me to the hospital 2 days later I filed a complaint. It didn’t really go anywhere. I didn’t really think too much about how this could be stopped from a complaint standpoint and will look into it.