Budding breast pictures

When you had positive results - you don’t need to leave the sub completely. We encourage members to stay – but in a supportive role!

WHAT THIS THREAD IS FOR:

• This thread is to create a safe space for positive home pregnancy tests and beta results for active members of infertility, regardless of treatment type or status, to share their results with the community. Negative results can also be shared in the treatment thread; this is the only place to share positive or questionable results.
• This is absolutely the place to share/receive support for beta hell/limbo.
• We ask that you be mindful of people sharing difficult news in this thread and understand that it's not necessary to provide more than one positive update (a positive on an HPT, a beta rise your clinic finds acceptable, etc.), regardless of your nerves. Most North American clinics will do two betas, and the next step is an ultrasound. Other countries don't do betas.
• Post beta, you can share only bad news, not good or even neutral news. Ultrasound updates may not be shared here unless the results are medically questionable (low fetal HR, empty gestational sac, situations where a doctor has told you to brace for loss). Please keep in mind that this sub only discusses the process of getting to pregnancy and dealing with loss and limbo. Discussion of pregnancy anxieties and general fear of loss is not appropriate here and is best suited to a pregnancy sub like infertilitybabies.
• Symptoms cannot be discussed in this thread. If you have actual reason for concern such as low betas or a questionable ultrasound, that can be discussed in this thread. Spotting or a lack of symptoms doesn't necessarily mean anything, and we ask you take those anxieties to a pregnancy sub.

WHAT IS NOT ALLOWED – comments that do this will be removed

• No drive-by posts. You may only post here if you have participated in the sub’s daily threads before. If you have not your comment on this thread will be removed without comment. If you used to be an active member, but your last comment was a post in results (meaning you are returning from success to tell us about another success), we consider your post a drive-by.
• No ultrasound details (HR, size, twins, singleton etc.) – questionable results are exempt from this
• Do not make a new comment within the same thread – update your previous comment
• It's to share your results not to "say goodbye" or some kind of victory lap or about giving/wanting ~hope~.
• We know good news after infertility and/or loss is hard to accept, and infertilitybabies is a safe space to discuss your anxieties around early pregnancy. This thread is NOT the right place to work out those feelings - it's for results only or support when in beta hell/potential loss limbo.
• Hunger games results, PGT results, etc.
• Questions about early pregnancy that are not directly related to loss signs.
• Comments about pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, nausea, etc).
• Links to pictures of HPTs (use /TFABlineporn).
• Responding “Thank You!” to every well wisher. Use your best discretion as some comments do necessitate a response, however responding to every person makes this post far too large.

HELPFUL INFO

Click 'view table' on mobile:

For a comprehensive Beta database, check out http://www.betabase.info/ for more information on beta based on DPO (DPO = days post transfer + 3, or 5 day embryo; DPO = Days post Insemination for IUI).
Further info: Human chorionic gonadotropin as a predictor of outcome in assisted reproductive technology pregnancies00512-9/fulltext)
Radiopaedia on Fetal bradycardia
Normal Ranges of Embryonic Length, Embryonic Heart Rate PDF!

You may be interested in posting at /whatworkedforme.
You are always encouraged to share your non-pregnancy-related infertility experiences with people asking questions on the sub and continue to support other community members here on infertility

Hiya, 18y/o transfem here. I'm almost done with high school, and I started HRT (150mg spiro, 4mg oral E tablets) in February. Apologies if the structure of this post is hard to read, I'm kinda thinking in bullet points right now lol
After this summer is over, I'll be in college. I will also likely have a job over the summer. I have no idea what to do about this.
I have been boymoding hard, and I'm only out to my friends at my school. Hell, I've known I'm trans for over 1.5 years and still don't have a name figured out.
I think it'd be really cool to be mostly transitioned before college, but I just don't know how to approach that, or how to approach having a job and socially transitioning during it.
I think I'll be able to pass decently, especially as my HRT progresses. But I don't know what to do about the social side. I don't know if I should wear makeup everyday, and to what extent, and I have very little experience with makeup.
I haven't been voice training, and I want to keep my (somewhat deep) voice pitch but have it be more feminine (I love deep feminine voices and want to have one) but I just haven't been working on it.
I haven't gotten any new clothes, and I've just been wearing my standard "boy clothes; "pants and my standard t-shirts plus light jackets/hoodies (I wore hoodies during winter but it's getting hotter now so I've been wearing a lightweight and thin black smartwool jacket, mainly to hide my growing breasts. I made a sports bra out of some boxer brief underwear I have but that's about it. I don't think I have the confidence to wear more feminine clothing at the moment, and I'm not sure I want to because I like to present somewhat androgynously/like a tomboy.
I haven't picked out a name, I've pulled my hair out over some names, and figured out some ones I might like, but I just cant decide on one that feels like it "clicks" if that makes sense. I've been attempting to come up with desert and weather related names because I like those aesthetics a lot.
I guess I'm just overwhelmed, naive, and thoroughly stuck in my comfort zone. How do I proceed? Does it make sense to wear makeup? How do I present myself? Do I wear different clothes? Maybe buy a bra (well, I guess I gotta do that eventually lol)? How do I start voice training but while keeping a deepish pitch (I tried getting into transvoicelessons' videos but i just got lost with information)? How do I figure out a name that I like? How do I approach work while transitioning? Is it even reasonable to go mostly stealth before college, and would I need makeup to wear everyday? I guess some of this depends on what I look like, but I don't currently feel comfortable with posting pictures of myself to strangers lol
(sidenote: I'll be dorming with my friends, so I'm not too worried about
TL;DR How do I proceed to transition socially before college, and is it even possible to do so? What do I do in regards to clothing, makeup, my name, and my voice?
Any advice is appreciated, or just reading this is fine :) It does feel nice to write down these feelings at the least, lol. Thanks for reading all of this

TLDR; hirutism getting much worse despite a reasonably healthy lifestyle, need advice on how to mitigate it!
Hi there, I'm 23, and I have known I have had PCOS since about early 2021 when I went to my doctor (again) sobbing about my acne (as it had never gotten better despite being on the pill, then doxycycline for a number of years). I got a pelvic ultrasound which confirmed the left ovary was far bigger than the right, and I assume my bloods showed high testosterone etc, but I did not really have much help/follow up from doctors.
I am currently on year two of a Mirena IUD, and I had Jaydess in the past. Periods are too painful & heavy to not have contraception in, although I haven't been off contraception since 2019 (wondering if Mirena is interacting with androgens? Might be worth getting off it to see how things go?)
To give a full picture of me - they suspect I have endometriosis, possibly on lower colon as I have had IBS-related symptoms since I was about 17, although I have struggled with OCD & a phobia for as long as I can remember (a very anxious wee child). I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2019. (The endo has not been confirmed as I have not had a lap, but ever since I've had an IUD in the pain has been very manageable). I do struggle with very irregular periods, I seem to only get a few a year which upsets me a little as I wish they were regular.
Supplement wise - I am currently taking an Omega 3-6-9 complex, I've been taking it for 6 months consistently and have taken it on and off over the past three years. I have introduced a 500mg inositol supplement into my routine also in the last 6 months after reading about how much it helps, although I have only noticed my hirutism getting worse. I'm currently the most active I have been in two years as I have been working a ski season again (did this mid 2022 also and I felt my symptoms were much better during that period). I regularly take a Magnesium biglycinate powder, and have been a longtime magnesium taker. Due to cannabis being legal where I live, I do consume edibles on a regular basis but I always eat the high CBD content gummies, as I'm not super concerned about getting 'baked', and I know it helps with inflammation & lowering stress.
Diet wise - I went dairy-free when I was 17, and slowly started eating it again during a trip to Europe, and during first year of university but I kept having IBS attacks so I went dairy free again in 2020, and have been dairy-free since then, although have slowly reintroduced it again as I moved countries and find I tolerate the lactose-free products here a lot better, along with some hard cheeses & butter (low FODMAP). I find I get ibs attacks less frequently. Anywho, I also have dabbled in low-gluten and vegetarian/vegan diets but found I couldn't get enough protein in as a highly-active person if I give up meat AND dairy so I dabble in the two intermittently to ensure I get enough protein. I've been getting more into learning about gut microbiomes and whatnot so have been making a conscious effort lately to eat more probiotics/prebiotics such as greek yoghurt, kimchi, saurkraut and of course my favourite, kombucha.
I noticed hirutism appearing possibly around the same time as the dairy-free ness but I do naturally have very dark brown hair, my eyebrows & eyelashes are naturally pretty much black, and I've always had darker hair on my shins and pubic area. I try to avoid processed foods, but I do have an affinity for cured meats (salami is just a handy protein snack), and candy (but I find I crave it a lot less - is this inositol?). Worth noting I have never dealt with hair loss, it is very thick and grows super fast, and it has been dyed to absolute shit (which surprises me).
I remember occasionally getting the odd super long dark chin hair here and there, and I've been either microblading or using hair removal cream on my upper lip since I was about 17, but my acne has always superseded my opinion on my hair or made it difficult to wax/shave so I used to just pluck. I have had a little snail trail/lower navel dark hair for a long time too, and even got electrolysis on it for a bit when I was at high school but it just hurt too much. I take to plucking it when I get bored so I usually stay on top of it.
In the past year or so, possibly longer, I have noticed my hirutism has gradually been getting worse, as the usual 1 or 2 dark hairs on my breasts/chest slowly spread as the hair seems to be getting darker. I am feeling rather down about this and I don't feel as feminine whenever I find it. I accept I have naturally very dark hair but I feel at a loss as to why it's getting worse. I'm currently on my second round of isotretonin, which helped my skin considerably the first time around, but I did it during the winter, so my skin was fully clear when it came to summertime (have always found sunshine + ocean help my skin so much), for the first time since I was a child I had clear acne-free skin! I'm hoping the second time will kill it off but maybe I'm not so sure.
Worth noting also I am a healthy weight (I think?? my waist size is 28-30 inches, hasn't changed for as long as I can remember, some periods in my life I've been more of a 25-26. Probably have a bit more fat than muscle but been actually enjoying being a regular gym goer at the moment. Not a huge cardio person anymore. Do a lot of skiing. I weigh about 70 kilos and I am 173cm tall. Have not been near scales in about six months though haha). Not sure about insulin resistance or anything else.
I have noticed the chin hairs getting worse and worse, and there are longer, darker hairs going all down my neck now. I've always been a fairly hairy person but it's kind of getting excessive at this point and I'm at my wits end about it. Does anyone have any suggestions for lifestyle changes/tweaks I could try to mitigate it? Any supplements that help?

I’m one of the good people, I say to myself – ah, but on the borderline, says my contrarian voice, wagging a finger at some abstract wall of my mind, on which likely hangs a mirror, making the futility of the gesture complete. At the silent Buddhist retreat, I fight the urge to sexualize every single person in the room, one by one, all day long, instead of meditate, and I resist that – but I do indeed sexualize a bit, not graphically so, just the willingness of the mind to wander, which is such a strange thing to do under any circumstance, like your mind is a restless dog that paces from room to room or like the shadows on the floor decide to leap up, make love on the ceiling. The light seems to flicker now and then when the silent retreat folks and I lean into it. I picture high school meditation teams taking on other high school meditation teams, tournaments even.
I don’t want to make too much of this, but there’s an obvious contrarian dimension to the ethos of silent retreats – this is my take – in that they seem so serious from the outside, but once you get into it, you notice the essential feeling is erotic, as least on an interpersonal level. See, when you commit to staying silent all day – as you sit together, as you pass each other in the hall, as you hold doors open for each other – you are hearing the body, and you are listening to your own. The body is the star of the show at a silent retreat, as least among those new to it, meeting as strangers, and when bodies are principally speaking to bodies, if you aren’t actively forcing each other to grow crops or dig minerals out of the ground – if what you are all doing is sitting on big pillows and comfy chairs – then eroticism is in the air. Pleasure is adjacent to inner peace.
The petal in the rose oil is that some of us are living through two-fold consciousness and thus, in various stages of suffering and duress, and so the eroticism must be steered toward empathy and not, for instance, condemnation, which is like what bad bosses get off on. The silent retreat is very anti-bad boss, punctuated by the sort of crises that distinguish mature human concerns from all the rest, and many people in the room are grieving. A father dies. A mother dies. Some part of our lives comes apart – you open the door to see, and the room once there is missing – open air, blue sky, some scrap of a curtain where a window used to be. When the time comes to dedicate the retreat to others outside of the circle, a third of the room says Gaza. Faith and the encampment protestors, I add. Anti-bad boss – may a benevolent spirit make the world right.
Over lunch, I sit in the grass, eat seasoned tofu and pasta, then lay back and let the sunshine throw cosmic fragments through my body, which distinguishes between the impermeable and the permeable by heating up my skin. The rest, which is most of it, goes right through me and then right through the planet, on its way to the end of the universe probably. What I remember, though, is the heat – my body listening to the sun like it's singing high notes, especially across my clavicle and along the bridge of my nose. A clavier is the keyboard of a musical instrument, and adversaries swap prisoners every time I sneeze. Does that make sense? The sun is investing my body with a belief in levitation, like it's growing the way dandelions do, and soon I’ll float away. Maybe gravity is going to seed – carried inside lighter-than-air clouds of indeterminacy.
The clouds – my gosh, the clouds – cumulonimbus sweethearts with passion blooming in their breasts. When someone says clouds look like curds of cauliflower, they mean that the same sort of influence that makes cauliflower look that way is likewise producing these formations on the cloud deck. Or maybe they look like mashed potatoes, scoops of lemon sorbet, but none of this really captures the manifestation of such things in the sky. When the edges of the clouds catch the sun, I have to squint to look at them, and the potential for transmogrification seems present – like the clouds become beach sand, the sky the absence of our discontent. The clouds become flashbulbs, and fame-seekers down below keep waiting for it to rain. The clouds are utterly still, like a personal insight that causes the body to stop, the mind to freeze – hours that way. Years.
Later, sitting on a set of steps miles away from the silent retreat, I see the clouds from a different angle, as different seeds float past. Someday the former will pour forth upon the land, and then the latter will pour forth into the air – one tiny seed producing a plant that grows taller than me, like tossing a brick down a well and watching a whole city erupt from it. Above and behind me, beneath the eaves of the auditorium, the sudden and familiar sound of baby birds cheeping for a meal, and I picture a parent pouring everything their child will ever need into their wide open beaks, one after another. The cheeping is continuous, like a rolling metal wheel, so my attention turns to a photographer snapping pics of a recent graduate in white heels, tasteful skirt and red lipstick. A clicking sound comes from a shutter opening and closing, camera set on burst mode.

Age: 22
Sex: F
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 164 lbs
Race: hispanic
Duration of complaint: 3 months
Location: abdomen
Currently have high cholesterol. bad cholesterol count of 103 according to my primary care.
Current medications: metoclopramide 5mg. sertraline 25mg, pantoprazole 40mg
i’ll include pictures of some tests that i’ve had done in the comments if i can.
Gonna try to include as best of a description of my symptoms as i can, i’ll also try to edit anything if it makes my description better.
this all started 2 months ago. literally the last week of february. at the time i wasn’t on any type of medication. nothing changed in my eating habits, except for the fact that i’d had panda express for the 1st time ever starting in february.
i became constipated suddenly one afternoon and this continued for a week. went to the doctor and i was sent to get a ct scan. but obviously, i’m not familiar with medical terms. from what i understand, there’s evidence of slow transit through my small bowel, but don’t know where or why exactly.
symptoms include: constipation accompanied by side and abdominal discomfort/aches/ pains. my upper abdominal area aches a lot some days. it feels as if the area right under the breast bones wants to cramp up. i feel burning in my stomach and abdomen too. gas is hard to pass somedays and feels trapped. i also have upper back aches. doctor told me it’s because of my small intestine. i also have lower back aches as well, but was told it could be because of kidney stones i didn’t even know i had, but just thought i’d mention this. i have diarrhea (once i went and it was very watery,) loose stools, stools with mucus and pieces of undigested food, mainly meat, of varying shapes and consistencies. the mucus on my stool is clear and white and appears like strings on my stool. sometimes i’ll have a semi normal movement, but with mucus. sometimes my stool will be thin, in small pieces, or just very loose even after a “normal” bowel movement. other times i’ll go but it’s just mucus. all my stools are also slimey in texture from what i can tell. also, everytime i wipe my stool it’s yellow in color with mucus and/or clear fluid. sometimes i’ll have this urgency to go despite being constipated.
also, not sure if this has to do with my current condition but have been wiping light red blood after i go, both with my more solid stools and loose ones. in one instance i even wiped only blood. there’s also been times where i’ve seen streaks of blood on my stool too. clear fluid also seems to be leaking out of my anal area…. clear mucus sometimes too. this causes my anal area and the inside of it to itch and sting. it feels like that sometimes after a bowel movement, even if it’s soft, other times it just feels itchy throughout the day, even if there is no anal leakage or if i don’t go to the bathroom. the mucus that comes out sometimes has pieces of stool/liquid that is the color of my stool. even with the supplements and meds i’ve been given, i’m lucky if I go even once a day now, but constipation is getting worse in my opinion.
in late march/early april i started to experience nausea, heartburn, acid reflux, and severe loss of appetite. all of these symptoms have persisted since. i no longer eat any of the food i used to. i can’t eat fast food or meat any more. i’m sticking to fruit, no citrusy fruits, crackers, soups, and cereal with almond or lactose free milk. even with these changes in diet my symptoms have persisted.
i eat very little because i just don’t feel hunger like i used to at all. even if i do i find that i get full very easily. i’m bloated after i eat as well. also, like i said i’m constipated so my bowel movement are little to none.
i currently still have all of the symptoms above and they don’t seem to be improving.
in a addition to a ct scan i’ve gotten tested for a blood infection, negative. celiac disease blood test came back negative. stool test for h pylori came back negative. a test to find if there was any blood digested and present in my stool came back negative. a stool test that was done to measure levels of fat in my stool came back indicating normal levels of fat in my stool. i also got an ultra sound for lumps that appeared on my abdomen but it was found that they were just fatty lumps. i also got an endoscopy in late april where 3 tissue biospies were taken. apparently, the 3 things they tested for all came back negative. other than a bacterial infection, i have no idea what else they ruled out. i’m not even white sure what bacterial infections they ruled out.
honestly, i’m getting more questions than answers at the moment and just want to know if there’s any more testing that i should ask for. what could possibly be happening to me and why?

This reddit has been a treasure trove of information and support. We have seen many stories of other families who are enduring a hard, long few months with a reflux baby. Thank you for helping us feel less crazy and like others understand.
In our experience, we found there isn't a lot of helpful information about how to help a baby going through reflux and how to know if your baby might have reflux. So, we wanted to share our experience in hopes that you will feel less alone and maybe encouraged too!
If you want the story, here it is! If not, skip to the bottom section.
Feeding has been a difficult journey since our daughter was born. She lost over 10% of her weight in 2 days (I am told that is normal for breastfed babies). So, the lactation consultants encouraged me to begin pumping after every feed to increase supply, or 12 times a day. I did this for 4 weeks. While my supply eventually came in, feeding continued to be immensely difficult. After 7 lactation appointments and multiple appointments with the pediatrician, we were greatly discouraged. By the time our daughter was 8 weeks old, she would scream every feed and feeds would take close to two hours. Even giving her a bottle of breastmilk would take more than an hour for her to finish. I was ready to throw in the towel on breastfeeding because I was devastated at how difficult it was. Our daughter would scream and cry more than 10 hours a day. It was awful. I also experienced lots of nipple pain around this time, which added to the frustration.
When our daughter was 8 weeks old, our pediatrician referred us to an Occupational Therapist thinking her suck reflex might have issues. We had a 3 hour appointment with the Occupational Therapist who assessed that she did have some issues with tongue positioning when swallowing and a shallow latch, but her assessment was that reflux was the biggest problem our daughter was facing. We began doing exercises for the latch and tongue issues. Because of the OT's assessment, our doctor prescribed Famotidine for our baby. Now, our baby is almost 12 weeks and is very happy! Breastfeeding is one of her favorite things and is a good experience for us both! She eats in under 30 minutes and most feeds are joyful. There are still hard reflux days where she is unhappy and struggles to latch, but overall it is much better!
Here are the top things we learned:

1. We learned the signs of reflux our LO was experiencing. For her reflux looked like: Clearing her throat, latching then quickly unlatching, throwing her head back, crying as if she was in pain, tons of spit up (even 30 minutes after she ate), and she needed to be burped a lot.
   
2. Our baby developed a fear of reflux which led to a fear of eating. She became defensive during nursing, despite her hunger because she was afraid of acid coming up. She also limited her eating because with reflux she would experience more acid when her stomach was full. So, this was a key reason why our LO fought eating. Knowing she was in pain definitely gave me more grace and patience, but it was so sad to discover that she was afraid to eat.
   
3. We began to choose a baby-led feeding position
   

In the hospital, I was taught the football feeding position and was told to smash her face into the boob so she would latch. Many lactation appointments confirmed this. However, for our reflux baby, this added fear because she would try to pull away but I wouldn’t understand her cue. We learned from the occupational therapist that the baby has to trust that I see her cues of struggle so she can regroup before taking in more milk. This meant, we had to do a breastfeeding position where I was not holding her head and where she could have more freedom to pull away as she needed.
For breastfeeding we did a side-by-side position. Where the baby lays on her side right next to me. This gives her the freedom to pull away as needed. Once we rebuilt trust, I was able to do a cross-cradle position. I still do not hold her head. She can pull away as needed.
We also do this with the bottle. We started with her mostly sitting up, leaned against pillows. When reflux started to bother her, she could pull away and then come back when she was ready.

1. With our LO, we developed a mantra: When it doubt, pull it out

Anytime we think LO is having trouble and might cough/choke, we started pulling off the breast or tilting the bottle to give her a break.
For our LO, choking means more frustration and fear of nursing. I was concerned she wouldn’t latch back on, but I found it is much better to give her a break then to push her.

1. Burping

Our LO needed lot of burping. Here's our signs she needed burped immediately: clearing her throat, anytime she starts wiggling a lot, anytime she is choking or coughing, etc.
We got into the habit of always burping every 10mL of the bottle or 4-5 minutes on the breast. I also burp in between sides.

1. Upright positions make a big difference for our LO

We keep her upright for 20 minutes after a feed so she doesn’t have as much burning acid come up. It’s our way of helping her keep it down.
We had to plan when we'd do tummy time and diaper changes so that our LO wasn't at risk of spit-up (or hiccups). We did it before feeds or after holding upright for a while.

1. We learned to use a pacifier or LO's hand to help her keep the reflux down

For our girl, we found the swallow reflex can be used with a "dry nipple" (finger, pacifier, etc) to get her to continually swallow. This helps the reflux stay down for her! You and I do it all the time to keep stomach nasties from coming back up.

1. Celebrate every minute of baby sleep you get

A well rested baby eats so much better. Our LO was much more patient with us during this difficult work of feeding when she had a good nap. Give yourself grace if all you can do is contact naps.

1. Our experience with Famotidine (Pepcid)

We saw some results immediately.
We saw better results after 5 days
We saw great results after 14 days.
All babies cry. This won't change that. But it's nothing like it was before. Our LO does not throw her head back and most feeds are very positive. She's still fussy in the evening, but that can be normal for all babies.
We think we notice when it wears off, right now we're on a single dose per day. The last feed before her dose, she usually struggles. But that's nothing compared to how it was.

1. Help your Dr. by eliminating all uncertainty that it truly is a reflux problem.

We have a great pediatrician! But how do you know if a patient really does need medication when there might be something less drastic that would solve the problem? It really helped our dr. that we gave her a detailed account of the symptoms and timing of our LO's problems. It also helped that we happened to need to bottle feed our LO in front of the dr and it was terrible! The dr could see for herself what it was. I also cut dairy and regulated caffeine early. This helped our dr. be confident that a reflux medication was the best next step. We haven't added dairy back in yet. Just happy things are better right now.

1. Don't be afraid to advocate for you and your baby.

No one will care about your baby as much as you do. Lactation, pediatrics, OT, every professional has a specific purpose and goal that's aligned with what they know best. But YOU are the kid-expert. Trust your gut. If you think something isn't working or your LO isn't alright, advocate. Lactation will hope for a completely breast-fed baby. Which is a wonderful thing. But what's most important is that your baby is happy and healthy no matter how that happens. Formula, pumped, or breast-fed. Many pediatricians will be concerned with the child's development. We hit our milestones, but it came a huge cost of time with 120 minute feeds each time, and very little sleep. Make sure that ALL medical professionals giving you important advice knows your LO's backstory. We made some mistakes with this... That's another post. Taking good notes helped our occupational therapist spot the problem over time.
And when you try new things, get some sort of timeline of how long to try it before there be improvement. Find out if the medication or technique should work after a week or a month. This will help you manage your expectations when you might be feeling hopeless.

1. Know your milestones

It is normal for certain weeks to be challenging. Knowing our milestones helped us understand the full picture of what our LO was experiencing, not just reflux related. And, it gave us hope that some of the misery wouldn't last forever. Haha.
Non reflux-related breastfeeding lessons

1. Pump-related

I hurt so bad from pumping and I assumed that was normal. I went through weeks of blanched nipples and very significant nipple pain only to discover I wasn't pumping correctly! Make sure to measure your nipples for your flange size. If you are working with a lactation consultant, they can help with this. Also, I learned to check the breast pump manual to learn about the settings. I have now made some adjustments to the settings. Now that I have discovered these things, my nipple pain has gone away.

1. Shame when breastfeeding isn't working

I experienced a lot of shame and guilt when breastfeeding wasn't going well. I thought I was a terrible mom and I felt embarrassed that something that should be natural and easy was a nightmare. That led me down all kinds of destructive thoughts, fearing that I wouldn't be a good mom moving forward because this area was hard. I had to learn to reframe things. I had to start to see that any volume of milk my reflux LO got was a win. I had to discipline myself to not compare myself to other moms who could breastfeed in public for less than 10 minutes while I had to make sure to feed in the car, knowing my LO would take over an hour and cry nonstop. I had to learn that if a feed wasn't going well, it isn't a failure to decide to offer a bottle to help LO fill up more quickly. Honestly, I had to learn to lay aside my expectations and do what worked. And, I had to have my identity not wrapped around breastfeeding and my child's success. Just as my LO struggled in this area, she will struggle with more things in the future. I will be a better mom if I can love her through it without feeling shame for where she is at. Having a supportive, loving husband greatly helped when I wanted to throw in the towel. I also found that talking with my counselor and having a space to remember the truth about my baby (i.e. her struggling to breastfeed is because of the reflux, not because I am a bad mom), greatly helped my mental health and my relationship with my baby.
It is the end of week 11 for us and it has changed dramatically for the better! We are on week 3 of the Famotidine. Our baby smiles all the time and is a joy to be around. I am beginning to like being a mom, which I couldn't imagine 2 weeks ago. People say things get better at week 12 and we didn't believe them. We felt hopeless. For us, it actually did get better. But, we know that isn't everyone's story. Regardless of how long you have been struggling with a reflux baby, it is incredibly hard on the whole family. And, I don't know when it will get better for you. My prayer is that it will get better for you very soon because it sucks and is awful. In the meantime, I hope this post helps in some way or at least helps you know that someone else in the world gets where you are coming from.

I, 26f am dating my boyfriend Stan (fake name) 37m, for 2 years and 3 months. I live with him and have for 7 months now.
When I first moved in I noticed sexualised images of women like, Chi chi, Ren, And a bunch of others most of which I am unaware of their names. I was uncomfortable with this but it hadn't fully bothered me, as our sex life was absolutely perfect. We have no children, and we were free. 3 months into us living together, I noticed the sex slow down. I have a skin issue, which I've had for a few years where it comes up in rashes then will disappear then come back ect. I first thought this was the issue but, we where still having sex, so it clearly wasn't. It began to get worse until recently when we haven't had sex in months.
This brings us to my issue. I started to become paranoid that he was cheating on me so, while he slept.. I went through his phone. I know I am an ass for that, but I couldn't take it anymore. I opened his Gallery first. It was COVERED in hentai and porn pictures and videos, all of which where slim large breasts, large bottom, ect. I, am no such woman. I am overweight due to my disability. I have sagging breasts due to how large they are and my butt is nothing magical. So, This hurt. I continued though his phone. Messages, games. Everything. Then I came across "Replika" where he had a "Ai Wife" based off of Ren. Blue short hair. Large breasts. Wearing a bikini. This, Broke me. Wife?... He needed it that badly?... I teared up and once he was awake, I walked to the dining room, slamming the phone on the table in front of him yelling "Is this why we aren't having sex?" And he went silent. Guilt filling his face.
This caused a fight. A huge one. Where he basically tried defending it. I told him I hate it because I am not that body type and he's always seemingly found more attraction to those types, even when I'm the opposite. He yelled about how he has stuff on his mind, mostly about work and said that these pictures and bots help him. I asked if I did and he screamed at me that I'm over reacting and the argument got heated. I asked if he even liked me. This was a mistake. He screamed that right now no, and basically went on to tell me he'd rather have the hentai and porn, and the ai bots, than me. Because they wouldn't nag him so much or complain so much... This killed me. I drove to my aunts and I've been staying here for a week. What do I do?! Do I go back?... or is it over..? I need help... I apologise for the length of this... I couldn't leave a single thing out

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Hello! I’m just hoping there’s somebody here that plays Valorant.
I’m selling my account because I’ve left the country so I don’t really have much use for it now (ping diff). I’ve only been using it for fun but yeah, thought I’m better off selling it even though I’m really attached to it lmao. I know I can ask riot to change the region but that would be a waste considering I’ve spent quite a lot on it. I’m also in need of funds asap.
If you guys aren’t interested, perhaps a friend you may know? Here are the details:
All agents unlocked Level 160+ 2-3 Battlepass bought (I forgot sorry) Rank peak is Gold Has the Reaver 2.0 Bundle Ready for email & name change
As for the skins: Classic - Spectrum (Upgraded) Ghost - Reaver (Upgraded) Sheriff - Neo Frontier (Upgraded) Spectre - Radiant Crisis (Upgraded) Phantom - Spectrum, Reaver, & Doodle Buds (Upgraded except Reaver) Vandal - Neptune, RGX, Ion, Reaver, & Sentinel Of Lights (All upgraded)
Melee - Reaver Karambit
The rest has battlepass skins except for OP & Marshall.
Please send me a dm for the price if you’re interested. I can also send pictures for proof. Preferred mode of payment is stcPay (I have a relative that’s still in the country so a bit easier)
Thank you!

I(f24) dated a guy years ago, we were in a good relationship, only lasted for a lil while tho. he went on a work trip for a week with his family(family company). while he was gone he sent a picture of himself and i saw a hickey on the far side on his neck, and i went on saying ‘what’s that on your neck?’ he answered ‘what’s on my neck?’ (dumb F) he tried to excuse himself away from the topic, i just left it at that for a while. but, later on i got a message from a mutual friend about him cheating on me at a party WITH 3 GIRLS the same night!! he didnt mention he went to the party at all. then the mutual friend told me that my ex said he didnt want our mutual friend to tell on him cause he ‘DiDn’T mEaN tO’ cheat. but he did still(bless this dudes heart for snitching) i then took up the topic about the hickey and he still went on to lie and excuse it, then i told my ex our mutual friend snitched and he didnt take that well, he got mad at me for that and blamed me for everything (lol not a shocker) then i took the perfect petty revenge😈 me and some friends (two guys and two girls)planned a cabin trip the weekend after(was still together with the dumb F) and so we went, we had a great time, drank and had fun, i slept with one of the guys, took a picture with both boys with their hands on my chest kissing my cheeks and i sent it to my ex, he then screenshotted it, edited the picture(to cover my chest) went on soundcloud and made a song about me cheating on him and had the picture i sent as the cover on the song(lol) and posted it everywhere. some of the lyrics went like ‘you were my dream girl, i loved you to death, how could you cheat on me and send me a picture of you and the guys kissing you and holding your breasts’ ‘f’ing, drinking, the boys will leave you and you’re the victim’ ‘you ruined the relationship like a destroyed toy’ mans really went into a heartbreak story in that song and i just literally had a blast hearing it, the whole damn hometown heard it and everyone couldn’t wrap their heads around as to why he went on writing a darn song about me LOL. Till this day i still think about it and it makes me giggle so much bc he cheated first, i took petty revenge to a whole new level.

I am 25F and the father is 34M. I am going to be brutally honest, please no judgement.
We met at work when I was 23F and he was 32M, I flirted with him HARD for months and then he told me he was recently engaged after dating for six years. We had an emotional affair only, and he ended up terminating his engagement. We dated for around 8-9 months before breaking up. Immediately, I regretted breaking up. We tried no contact but it didn't ever really stick because we still loved each other and we couldn't part ways. I ended up finding out he got back together with his ex-fiancé less than two months after our breakup. We were still no contact, but a physical, full-blown affair ended up arising and lasted this past year and a half. I have never loved anyone more than him, and I did it for love. I wanted a life with him and I wanted to marry him and have a family with him. He admitted that he wanted those things too and he went back to her too quickly. I thought he loved me the way I loved him and it was just complicated for him to leave her because of their history. He never did leave her, even through a year of me showing up for him to show him I was ready for the things he thought I wasn't ready for.
Flash forward to today, I'm pregnant for the second time. I was first pregnant end of March 2024 during the affair (*Note: we are no contact now and he is blocked everywhere). I texted him the picture of the positive pregnancy test and he told me his ex-fiancé now girlfriend is pregnant too. My heart sank and I felt ill. I told my family the next day that I was pregnant and was in an affair for the past year and a half. I needed my mom and support and help. They were obviously unhappy with him getting two women pregnant at the same time. They wanted me to abort, however I've always wanted to be a mother, I have a good job and could afford the child on my own, and I was pro-choice for every woman on the planet but thought I would never be in this position. Four days later, I miscarried. My mother had many miscarriages before pregnancy stuck for her. I had bloodwork at my OB/GYN office and they tracked my HCG levels until I was low enough for them to confirm the pregnancy was nonviable.
I told him I miscarried and he came over a few times to see me. We ended up having unprotected sex after the miscarriage not knowing that I could get pregnant that quickly. I thought my body's cycle was so thrown off that I wouldn't ovulate for at least a month - 6 weeks. I woke up one day with really heavy breasts and tender nipples and took one of the tests that I had leftover from my first pregnancy just to see if I could be pregnant. Sure enough, pregnant. I told him the news and he said he was very clear that he did not want me to get pregnant. He thought I did it on purpose because he knows I want children and to be a mother. He said he would be here for an abortion but that I had to work around his girlfriend's schedule with her doctor's appointments for her pregnancy. I blocked him everywhere. If I go through with the abortion, I shouldn't have to do it on his/her schedule. He has kept this (me and my pregnancies and our affair) from her since the beginning. She has no idea that I am pregnant and he doesn't want her to know. I can't tell her because I'm in the wrong too. I knew he was with her and I still participated because I loved him and thought he would wake up one day and see that it was supposed to be us in the end.
If I have this child, I can afford to do it on my own and without financial help from him. He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the pregnancy or with me, and that he doesn't want me to keep the pregnancy. I am attached to this pregnancy the longer it goes on and it is so extremely difficult for me to accept that I may have to get an abortion. If I keep the baby, I don't want to tell him that I am keeping the pregnancy. I don't want him involved and I don't want him to ask for split custody. I can't share my child with her too. I have a consult Tuesday for the pills. I have to get an ultrasound first because of my previous miscarriage. I don't want to lose another pregnancy, this time on purpose. I am so emotionally distraught and alone. What would you do? How do you get through it? I tell myself that through this dumpster fire of a situation something good can come out of it. I can be a mother and love the child more than anything and create a good life for us. I will be a good mother and I can just tell people the dad isn't in the picture and leave it at that.
I am dealing with a lot of bitterness towards the father and I won't tell his girlfriend now because truly she has done nothing wrong and this will wreck her. I don't want to hurt an innocent bystander in this. I just know I wouldn't be in this position if he stepped up. I wouldn't have to consider abortion if he was here. It's the fact that I would do this on my own that my family wanted me to have one in the first place. Lots of people I know had accidental pregnancies but they all married the father of their child. I would be a single mother by choice. I am okay with that but I don't know if society is. I want to do the right thing but I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I worry I am going to keep the child selfishly so that I can avoid the absolute plummeting heartbreak of losing another pregnancy/being reminded the man I wanted more than anything doesn't want me or his child. I would love this child with everything in me. I would support this child and make sure that I would minimize the damage of the situation on my child. I can raise a well-adjusted child. I have so much love to give.
TLDR: I am pregnant with his child but he is expecting a baby with his girlfriend currently. I can do it on my own but should I? Should I have an abortion?

I'm 5'7 167 lbs. I am disappointed because I wanted to be 157 lbs minimum.
I don't even know my breast size because nothing fits and I only where sports bras but I'm prob an e or f.

1. If I lost 5-10 more lbs between consultation and surgery would that be okay? Or would I need a new consult?
   
2. How in detail do I have to be about what I want? Are pictures necessary?
   

I'm getting nervous lol.

I don't know if this belongs here, feel free to remove it if it doesn't, mods. I just wanna put this out there instead of kicking it around my head.
What even is a Facebook community standard? Oh, I've read what they claim are their standards but in actual practice it seems as though they have no standard whatsoever unless I'm the one making a comment. For example, I was just account restricted and had my comment removed for calling someone ugly after they called me ugly. Just a really low-tier 'no, u' moment. Their standards make absolutely ZERO sense and it's been this way for awhile now. Reported the comment calling me ugly, just to see. Unsurprisingly, Facebook says that comment didn't violate standards.
Just off the top of my head, here are some things I've reported over time which Facebook claims doesn't violate standards: Animal abuse videos. Multiple. Apparently some ignorant villagers drowning monkies for views is okiedokie. A video of another group of ignorant villagers throwing a much smaller dog to their huge dog which then proceeds to rip the little dog apart is okiedokie. A picture of sonic the hedgehog ejaculating through his underwear with a perfect imprint of his enormous, erect pecker and the words "gotta cum fast" in a speech bubble was also okiedokie. A woman provocatively fondling her naked breasts while making erotic sounds and facial expressions at the camera while occasionally pretending to breast feed a doll was also okiedokie by Facebooks standards.
Don't get me wrong, I am not under the mistaken impression that Facebook is out to get me specifically. I'm just a little flabbergasted at how bizarre Facebooks standards have become.

My sister in law live with us since a couple years ago. Both me and my wife like to have her with us, they're very close, she knows when to give us our space, we know to give her her space, and when we spent time all together is very fun.
My problems started months ago, when she let me her Iphone. I was bored and my own phone's batery was dead, so I started to look on her phone, and as I was looking through her galery, I found nudes. At first I was worried and got out of the galery, pretending I didnt see anything, but something inside me was curious, and wanted more. This little voice was stronger at the end, because I started to look through it again. It was just a couple minutes, but I saw enough to have a very clear image on my mind of all her naked body.
Its been like this since then. Every 2 or 3 months, an oportunity presents, and I can look again, finding new pictures and some videos every time. Recently, we gave her an iPad as a present. It's hers, but we all use it all the time. She linked the iPad to her iphone. A couple weeks ago I realized I could watch her photos on the iPad.
I feel disgusted of myself. I know I'm wrong, I know I'm an AH, a creep, I know I deserve the worst. I dont know why I do it. I love my wife, I feel atracted to my wife on every way, physical, emotional, I love her humor, her inteligence, all, our sex life is great, I dknt need anything else. And still I'm doing this, and dont know why, or how to stop. After the initial burst of adrenaline and emotion, I regret it, feeling dirty, ashamed, and always tell myself its not worth it and will be the last time, and then I do it again.
Few days ago, I noticed that her door has a small crack, almost imperceptible, but enough to see inside the room. When she came out from the shower, I took a look and saw her, clearly, completely naked, her butt, her legs, her breasts, all while she was dancing on a sexy way in front of her mirror at the pace of her favorite songs.
Thats when I realized how wrong am I. I'm scared of myself. I dont even feel atracted to her, but I'm still doing it. And I dont know why. I want to stop and dont know how. I cant talk about this with anyone, I dont know who or where ask for help.

My sister in law live with us since a couple years ago. Both me and my wife like to have her with us, they're very close, she knows when to give us our space, we know to give her her space, and when we spent time all together is very fun.
My problems started months ago, when she let me her Iphone. I was bored and my own phone's batery was dead, so I started to look on her phone, and as I was looking through her galery, I found nudes. At first I was worried and got out of the galery, pretending I didnt see anything, but something inside me was curious, and wanted more. This little voice was stronger at the end, because I started to look through it again. It was just a couple minutes, but I saw enough to have a very clear image on my mind of all her naked body.
Its been like this since then. Every 2 or 3 months, an oportunity presents, and I can look again, finding new pictures and some videos every time. Recently, we gave her an iPad as a present. It's hers, but we all use it all the time. She linked the iPad to her iphone. A couple weeks ago I realized I could watch her photos on the iPad.
I feel disgusted of myself. I know I'm wrong, I know I'm an AH, a creep, I know I deserve the worst. I dont know why I do it. I love my wife, I feel atracted to my wife on every way, physical, emotional, I love her humor, her inteligence, all, our sex life is great, I dknt need anything else. And still I'm doing this, and dont know why, or how to stop. After the initial burst of adrenaline and emotion, I regret it, feeling dirty, ashamed, and always tell myself its not worth it and will be the last time, and then I do it again.
Few days ago, I noticed that her door has a small crack, almost imperceptible, but enough to see inside the room. When she came out from the shower, I took a look and saw her, clearly, completely naked, her butt, her legs, her breasts, all while she was dancing on a sexy way in front of her mirror at the pace of her favorite songs.
Thats when I realized how wrong am I. I'm scared of myself. I dont even feel atracted to her, but I'm still doing it. And I dont know why. I want to stop and dont know how. I cant talk about this with anyone, I dont know who or where ask for help.

My sister in law live with us since a couple years ago. Both me and my wife like to have her with us, they're very close, she knows when to give us our space, we know to give her her space, and when we spent time all together is very fun.
My problems started months ago, when she let me her Iphone. I was bored and my own phone's batery was dead, so I started to look on her phone, and as I was looking through her galery, I found nudes. At first I was worried and got out of the galery, pretending I didnt see anything, but something inside me was curious, and wanted more. This little voice was stronger at the end, because I started to look through it again. It was just a couple minutes, but I saw enough to have a very clear image on my mind of all her naked body.
Its been like this since then. Every 2 or 3 months, an oportunity presents, and I can look again, finding new pictures and some videos every time. Recently, we gave her an iPad as a present. It's hers, but we all use it all the time. She linked the iPad to her iphone. A couple weeks ago I realized I could watch her photos on the iPad.
I feel disgusted of myself. I know I'm wrong, I know I'm an AH, a creep, I know I deserve the worst. I dont know why I do it. I love my wife, I feel atracted to my wife on every way, physical, emotional, I love her humor, her inteligence, all, our sex life is great, I dknt need anything else. And still I'm doing this, and dont know why, or how to stop. After the initial burst of adrenaline and emotion, I regret it, feeling dirty, ashamed, and always tell myself its not worth it and will be the last time, and then I do it again.
Few days ago, I noticed that her door has a small crack, almost imperceptible, but enough to see inside the room. When she came out from the shower, I took a look and saw her, clearly, completely naked, her butt, her legs, her breasts, all while she was dancing on a sexy way in front of her mirror at the pace of her favorite songs.
Thats when I realized how wrong am I. I'm scared of myself. I dont even feel atracted to her, but I'm still doing it. And I dont know why. I want to stop and dont know how. I cant talk about this with anyone, I dont know who or where ask for help.

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"

Ladies and gentlemen, buckle up and prepare for the rollercoaster of your academic lives! Today, we're diving headfirst into the geometric rabbit hole of perspective in art history, from the Renaissance to the digital delirium of modern design. This ride will be like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while bungee jumping—exhilarating, slightly terrifying, and probably mind-bending.
Let's kick things off with a nod to our Renaissance homie, Leonardo da Vinci. Picture him: a guy so ahead of his time, he made Michelangelo look like he was doodling with crayons. Da Vinci was the OG of perspective, using geometry to turn flat surfaces into mind-blowing 3D spaces. Imagine the Mona Lisa stepping out of her frame and doing the moonwalk—thanks to Leo's genius, it's almost believable.
Now, perspective in art is all about fooling your eyeballs. You know that feeling when you stare at an optical illusion, and your brain starts doing somersaults? That’s the magic of geometry at work. The Renaissance artists were like the original tricksters, using vanishing points and linear perspective to create depth. It's like the difference between watching a Kardashian reality show in 2D and diving into a VR Fortnite match where buildings, landscapes, and llamas pop out at you from every angle.
So, what's the big deal with these vanishing points? Picture this: you're standing in the middle of a road that stretches out into the horizon. As you look ahead, the road seems to narrow and finally disappear at a single point. That's the vanishing point. Leonardo and his pals used this concept to make their paintings look realistic. They turned canvases into windows, showing scenes that seemed to stretch out infinitely.
Now, imagine you’re in a room designed by M.C. Escher, the grandmaster of mind-melting perspective. His works are like the architectural equivalent of a fever dream after binge-watching too much Rick and Morty. Escher took the rules of perspective and twisted them like a pretzel, creating impossible staircases that go nowhere and everywhere all at once. His art is like a visual version of trying to understand quantum mechanics while riding a merry-go-round.
But let's not get too lost in the trippy world of Escher. We need to understand the basics before we can start bending reality. So, grab your pencils and energy drinks, because it's time to create our own perspective drawings. Start with a simple one-point perspective. Draw a horizon line, place a single vanishing point, and sketch some basic shapes receding into the distance. It's like playing Minecraft, but on paper—minus the Creepers and Endermen.
Once you’ve mastered the one-point perspective, crank up the difficulty like you’re switching from Tetris to Dark Souls. Try your hand at two-point perspective. This time, you’ve got two vanishing points on the horizon line. It’s like juggling two flaming swords while riding a unicycle—challenging but ridiculously cool once you get the hang of it. Use it to draw buildings and streets that look like they could be straight out of a Batman comic book.
Ready for the final boss level? Three-point perspective is where things get seriously intense. Add a third vanishing point above or below the horizon line, and boom—you’ve got skyscrapers that soar into the sky or plunge into the depths. Think Gotham City meets Blade Runner, with a dash of Doctor Strange’s Inception-style cityscapes. Your drawings will have that dramatic flair that makes people go, “Whoa, did you just bend the fabric of reality?”
Speaking of bending reality, let’s talk about modern design. Today’s artists and designers are like the tech-savvy offspring of Da Vinci and Escher, using digital tools to create stunning 3D visuals. From video games to virtual reality, perspective geometry is everywhere. Take Fortnite, for instance—a game where players build structures with an uncanny sense of depth and realism. The designers use the same principles of perspective that Leonardo used, but with the added benefit of 21st-century tech.
Let’s not forget the architects who create real-world buildings that make you feel like you’ve stepped into a sci-fi movie. They use advanced geometry to design structures that defy gravity and common sense. Imagine walking through a building that twists and turns like a Rubik’s Cube, with each step revealing new perspectives. These architects are like modern-day wizards, conjuring spaces that boggle the mind and delight the senses.
In the realm of learning science with art, perspective geometry is the ultimate crossover episode. It’s where math and creativity meet, shake hands, and throw a rager. Understanding perspective not only makes you a better artist but also sharpens your spatial awareness and problem-solving skills. It’s like unlocking a secret level in your brain, where you can visualize complex concepts and bring them to life.
Now, here’s a challenge for all you budding artists out there: create your own perspective drawing, starting with the basics and moving on to more complex designs. Start with a simple street scene, then add buildings, trees, and maybe even a superhero or two soaring through the sky. Push your limits and try incorporating three-point perspective to create a cityscape that would make even Escher jealous.
Remember, the key to mastering perspective is practice and a healthy dose of imagination. Don’t be afraid to experiment and make mistakes—after all, even Da Vinci probably had his share of doodles that didn’t quite make the cut. Embrace the chaos, channel your inner mad scientist, and let the geometry of perspective guide you to new artistic heights.
So, there you have it, folks! The wild, wacky world of perspective geometry, from the Renaissance to Fortnite. Keep those pencils sharp, those energy drinks flowing, and always remember: art is the ultimate playground for your imagination. Now go forth and conquer the canvas like the brilliant, slightly caffeinated geniuses you are!