I won’t give my birth sex on here because I know people will consistently disrespect me. Either they respect me or they have a 50/50 guess with the chance of being wrong.
I have identified as non-binary for around four years now. I love both feminine and masculine clothes, and my partner says they still love me if I wear the clothes accustomed to my opposing sex, but I feel like I identify more as that and don’t know how they’ll feel about it. They’re okay with their intimate relations with me because of what I have, and would never date someone without what I have.
Obviously that part of me isn’t changing but I did ask before “what would you do if I was trans?” And they kind of backed away from the question. I know they’re not transphobic because they dated a trans person before, just never had intimacy with them because 1.) they were young 2.) they dont like that they had.
I know they’ll accept me, they have to, but what if they sees me differently? See me as someone I’m not or lose feelings because I’m not what they like? Idk what to do.

Its was 2:26 one night.For some reason i couldnt find myself tired or able to fall asleep. It was the weekend anyways so it really wasnt a big deal.! didnt really have plans tommorow except going shopping with my friends.i mainly just stayed up watching tik tok but since my parents room was right next to mines and everyones was asleep i had my light off door closed and i was just on my phone.Everything around me was pitch black.As im scrolling i hear my mom talking downstairs.l think nothing of it.But then i realized.Everyones asleep?That cant be her?! I brush it off cause im tired anyways so my minds just playing tricks on me.l began falling asleep and right before i fell into a deep sleep i hear my mom screaming for help downstairs in the kitchen.i rush downstairs through my dark house, but realize, once again.My moms asleep.every light is off.Including the kitchen light. there i stood in the middle of the kitchen, alone, in the dark. As i was about to walk back upstairs i feel something, someone, staring. At this point im scared and creeped out. trying not to look behind me but i just keep getting even more nervous and creeped out when i got up the stairs i turned the hallway light on from the top and nobody is behind me, but all the way down the hallway, where the balcony door is,i seen a tall, black figure with a hat.i just stared. After being in shock for so long the figure began knocking on the glass door. I just stared.It seemed like the longer i stared the louder the knocking became. After staring for what felt like 15 minutes i snapped out of the fear and ran to my parents room to tell them.Only to find out, when i entered the room, a stuffed animal and a note reading, “Hey sweetie,me and your father didnt want to wake you so late but we took a shift to help out at the hospital tonight, we need the extra money for some of the bills. We should be back no later than 10:30 am tommorow morning,i left the key underneath the plant outside the front door for when you leave tommorow morning with your friends. Sorry for the short notice love.We love you, stay safe, call us if you need anything." They were gone.What was i supposed to do?i dropped the note on the floor and cried, when all of the sudden i hear the front door creak open.Whatever,and whoever it was, was inside my house.The footsteps climbed up the stairs as i ran to my older sisters room (who had been in collage for a bit so she wasnt home) and locked the door and hid in the closet.i heard the footsteps reach the top step and stop. I listened out for the footsteps but heard nothing else for the next 20 minutes. felt a little better and calmed down at that moment.I needed to get a hold of my mom but I didnt have my phone and was too scared to get up and get it from my room.Then i heard the footsteps reach the room i was in.Whoever it was tried to open the door but as soon as they realized it was locked.They began banging, kicking,scratching,and screaming.The screams sounded like a mans scream.I cried silently in the closet until it stopped.The voice suddenly said."josie.i know your in there.Come out. im not here to hurt you." and it followed with a deep, stomach twisting laugh.But that wasnt what was important.It was that they knew my name. An hour or so had passed by but the figure was still outside the door making no noises.then i heard my mothers and fathers couces call my name but i knew it wasnt them. Eventually the figure left when sunrise came.l ended up falling asleep in the closet.When i woke up i checked the whole house.Nothing.i called my mom and her and my father rushed home.I told her everything that happned.My mother called the cops and told them everything as well.We were watching the news later on that day,and we seen news about a local skinwalker breaking into houses.Suddenly a call from the police station.They explained to my mom they had caught the guy. He had been stalking me for years making plans to murder me and keep me “all to himself” after that my parents a left me at home alone nor did I look at that glass window again, thinking he will appear and wined up keeping me for himself… successfully this time.

This is my first post here, most likely won't be posting much but this sub has helped me with lots of tips the weeks before surgery, but also made me scared of things that I really didn't have to be so I want to make a positive post to show you that yes you can do this and do well on the first 10 days.
Just for the reference I'm over 40 and had the surgery done because of a shoulde back problem, went from a DD to maybe a C, doctor said wouldn't take much more than that and although some days were tough I look back now and think that went by really fast. Another thing, I went to school for Nutrition so I tried to keep a very good diet pre and post op, I'm already getting out of the track but first week I did great LOL
So here's what worked for me:
Increase your protein intake before and after surgery. I don't really like to eat meat/ chicken every day but I've been doing just because I have to, also eating other kinds of protein.
High fiber diet and lots of water (and walk) - from the beginning I knew I didn't want to take stool softeners or laxatives and because of that I ate lots of salad, fresh fruits (stay away from apples), multigrain bread, ActiviA yogurt, probiotic juice, lots of liquids and I was walking since 1DPO, all started to work on 2DPO and by the 3rd day I was going to the bathroom normally. Also: this is pretty good, cook some dry apricots in water and eat, works better than prunes.
Things that I bought and used:
Couldn't shower for 48h so these rinse free bathing wipes worked amazing to keep me clean. I have to add a note here that I was very scared of showering, after the first shower (seating on a little stool, don't buy a shower chair, just use any little stool with a towel on the seat) I didn't shower for 2 days because I was way too scared and mostly because I was scared to look at my stitches and because I read horror stories here. With prayers and a good pep talk I took a shower all by myself after 2 days.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XQ9NQPQ?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details
I bought a mastectomy pillow just because I have 2 dogs and one of them loves to jump on me otherwise I wouldn't have bought
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CPMFFVKP?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1
I used lots of pillow to sleep and worked fine, don't waste your money buying those pregnancy pillows, each day you're going to want a pillow in a different place.
These pads are the best to use inside your bra, you will have some drainage and these work perfectly
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YVPCT6N?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details
That leads to bras, what an ordeal. The bra I came from the surgery was some medical bra that is exactly the Carole Martin on Amazon (thanks for someone who wrote about it on this sub), I got an extra one but was horrible, digging on my armpits. That fruit of the loom that everyone raves about it also had the same problem for me, not mention the elastic on top of my incisions. This one is the best bra, it runs big so I have now 2 sizes. For reference Im a 42 on Carole Martin and I'm a L on this bra (bought an XL which works but it's a big too big), doctor said I could use and change my bra no problem
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQLXQJS2?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details Yesterday a friend who is a RN told me that I could use cortisone cream + AD cream or DESITIN cream on top because most likely the pain on my armpits was because the bra was chaffing my armpits, now Im also using a chaffing gel and things are improving.
And here's the most important tip I'm going to give you, have people with you, tell friends and family that you are having a surgery, it's good to have people praying/ cheering on you, checking on you, bringing you food (although I said many times we didn't need cause I filled my freezer with meals), this part is the most important, makes you feel loved and cherished. You just went/ going through a major surgery and the first few days it's almost impossible to do something by yourself. Having someone helping you out and taking care of you makes a world of difference.
On the 4DPO I went to get my hair washed at the salon, it was great getting out the house, seeing people and being pampered a little bit. Made me feel special and pretty, believe me you will feel very yucky after hospital and surgery. Now I shower and my husband washes my hair, still hurts a lot put my arms up.
My last tip is rubbing alcohol helped clean the sticky from the EKG leads (the sticky pads for monitoring your heart during surgery) on my skin chest, it took a couple of days to realize I had that.
I hope and pray that you (whoever reads this post) have a great surgery and recovery, that you feel very proud of yourself for doing something so brave like this and that you feel pretty confident on yourself before and after the surgery.

(Note: I'm writing this as myself, not as a mod or anything else. Just me, a longtime fan who knows this team is light-years better than they've played this season.)
I wanted to give them both the benefit of the doubt. Let them have more than one transfer window's worth of time to put their system into place. Let mediocrity be a symptom of a new structure, one built the same way he'd built multiple MLS Cup Champion teams. After all, only three people have won with multiple teams, and one's dead and the other is apparently still persona non grata for reasons unknown.
But this...this isn't a group of good players working through the kinks of a new system. This is a lack of cohesive system, an inability to field the best players on the team at their respective positions, and a lack of precision and discipline on both offense and defense. And it's been nearly half a season now. Sure, we've had a ton of injuries (and frankly I'd fire the whole training staff, too, there are way, way more soft tissue injuries to this team than is proportionate over the last several years), but enough of this team is the same team that was first in the East one year ago.
Ironically, the Ivacic and Arreaga acquisitions look pretty good. And I still like the Mensah signing. But Porter has had more than enough time to figure out something and Onalfo has had more than enough time to give Porter the something he needs to make this team work.
A good team is better than the sum of its parts. Arena took a Brad Friedel team and made them a playoff team in three months. That's what a good coach can do. Caleb Porter took a team that was a top-four team in July and turned them into the worst team in MLS.
I'm done. Porter out. Onalfo out. Bilello stays only because I believe he's better equipped to make the Everett stadium happen and cause Porter was, on paper, a good choice, so I'm not annoyed at the idea as much as I am at the terrible execution.
Give Tierney the keys as GM. Gio Savarese is still unattached, I'd bring him in to pick up the pieces. But only if an Arena reunion is truly impossible (which I assume it is).

Personally my favorite part of the new next gen update is the grenade launchers! They are the perfect back up to carry on you when you need a little extra firepower in a sticky situation. I just wish 40mm grenade were a little more common in vendors!

Hello everyone, ive been homeless for almost 3 years now. I have no community, 1 friend in the whole world who i wouldn't ask to help me in this situation. My social skills are stunted along with violent trauma that has resulted in extreme isolation and my entire life being: wake up, eat if i can afford it, work, all of my check gone to debt/bills, maybe go for a walk, eat, sleep. its a very miserable life.
I have worked consistently through all of this although not super high paying jobs. I dont fit in 99% of places and get fired for no reason at all. I have been told it was my personality. that i dont talk enough. lies about work performance and other ridiculous things to get me out of their presence. I dont get it and frankly i dont want to fit in anymore, i just want to be at peace and live my life with some kind of good memories, so i wish to convert a bus and travel forever. I can make money out of a bus i am an artist and great cook we could totally make an mobile art studio and food truck from 2 busses.
I want to get a community together that can help people struggling like myself, maybe we can put our saving together and get a bus, cohouse while we save to get them their own bus, or me my own. It will be easy enough to win one at an auction for 2000 or less, its just so hard to save to that point. in the 3 years ive been out here ive gotten my saving to 2000 twice, and i didnt get the bus. i was so hopeful i could be a normal person and be able to get an apartment and live happily every after. nope. job loss, bills eat everything while i searched for new employment and the cycle continues.
I found a really good gig in Seattle Washington after my last job loss/subsequent drain of my savings. i am currently making enough to get by money, its not full time checks but really decent part time/contractor work where i may be able to save on top of my bills when i catch up, plus some of my debt is close to being paid off so that will alleviate lots of stress. i am not giving up my dream this time, no apartment for me. I cant keep up with society i have tried for years and years. I will have that bus one way or another. Who wants to do this also? id love to help another struggling to make our dreams come true.

I once too was in your shoes. Broken and lost from a love I thought was forever.
I was with my ex for 7 years. And through those 7 years there were many many good times, and there were many many bad times. They say that’s what relationships are about.
Though there is some truth to that, the real truth is often a bit darker.
My ex dealt with some really horrible things from his childhood. Loss of his parents and family lead to abuse of substance and although he was smart, charming and a good person, these traumas followed him through much of his life and ultimately.. our relationship.
I always thought that I would be the one to fix him. Heal him with how much I cared and loved him. That if I just guided him and provided him with a safe, happy, soft place to land that eventually things would turn around.
The truth is nobody can fix anyone who does not wish to put the effort in to fix themselves.
And through the ups and downs I eventually realized how much of myself I had truly lost. How putting him before myself was my own down fall. I missed out on so many things for myself because I was always too worried about him and what I could do to support him or be around for him just in case he needed me.
From the outside looking into our relationship, someone would probably see two young adults, with good jobs, a beautiful home and a bright future. One with marriage and children so shortly on the horizon.
I often found myself wishing for that, until I didn’t. Until he started talking about it often and I realized it was something that scared me more than it excited me. I realized that if I stayed, if I continued to put this person over myself, that I would never be truly happy and I would always regret what could have been.
Looking back the bad was really bad. The fighting, the yelling the crying and sometimes even the violence that would follow. We never communicated effectively even though I really do think we tried. He was volatile and I was timid. He would scream and I would shut down. We were in a cycle of hurt together that we just didn’t know how to even escape after the life we had built, a life that was so heavily intertwined.
Looking back I was very young and immature when we got together. I think that he saw me as a life vest and took the opportunity when I showed how caring I was of my friends and family. He wanted to be apart of that. And knowing his background I can’t blame him.
But I do blame him for the blame he laid on me at the end. I do resent him for it. After all I did to try to help…To prove how much I loved him over and over he still threw it in my face that it wasn’t enough. That I was giving up. On him. On us. That by me leaving I was damning him to a life of substance abuse and misery forever. Like because of me he would never again have the opportunity to get it together. When in my mind the reason I was leaving was for the Hope that maybe if the life vest was gone he would drown, hit rock bottom, and be forced to work to the surface of recovery on his own.
I’m not sure where he’s at with his recovery today. I hope, truly, that he’s better. I know how badly he needed that for himself.
Even after we broke up I hoped we would find each other again. My friends said if it was meant to be and he got it together that we would definitely work it out.
Instead we usually fought when we spoke. Feelings of anger and sadness would be dredged up for me every time. I’d go days without eating or showering after we’d communicate. So we went NC.
I found someone about 6 months after we broke up. Someone kind. Loving. Giving. Someone who takes care of my heart. I fought being with him because I was so determined that my ex was my person. That certainly was not the case the more and more I spent time with this new person. I felt like I had finally come home. I realized how much trauma I was holding onto, and he helped me let it go slowly. He helped heal me without even trying. Just by being him.
We’re now engaged and recently found out we’re expecting.
I’m not fully healed to this day from my previous relationship, but I think that maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s what makes the one that’s meant for me that much greater of a love.
I poured all of myself into someone who couldn’t even meet me a quarter of the way let alone meet me half way.
I think because of that, I have a respect and gratitude for my future husband that I maybe wouldn’t have if I hadn’t loved and lost before him.
My ex is now dating someone I was once best friends with. I’m not upset with him about it… I’m more disappointed and wishing better for him honestly. She was someone who hurt me and always envied me openly even while we were friends. I don’t see her being a healthy person for him the way that my person is for me. I want him to find his reason to get sober and I think she may be the opposite of that, and it makes me sad. But it’s not longer my burden or responsibility to hold.
I was in such a dark place for such a long time. I thought pieces and parts of me that died would never come back. But they are.
I can’t wait to be a mom and a wife. I feel content and happy knowing it’s with my true person. I feel loved and valued, everyday. I don’t walk on egg shells or feel down anymore.
When me and my ex broke up I thought truly I’d just lost the love of my life.
If you feel that way rn pls know that you’re not alone, but find some comfort in the fact that your person would never leave you feeling how you do right now. I promise.
I know it’s hard to see the end of it when you’re in it. There is good coming. There is what’s best for you still out there. 🤍

I realized a couple months ago that I have been limerent for one of my close friends for over 2 years. Looking back on my thoughts and behavior it was obvious, but at the time I just thought it was normal. I am so lost and directionless in how to handle this and I feel so immensely stressed and guilty.

• I feel guilty for being a current bad friend to my friend when my friend is a nicer person now
• I feel guilty for being unable to let go in past interactions where this friend was unfair and inconsiderate to me
• I feel guilty for being unable to handle my friend’s relationship with their partner

I feel stressed because of strong emotional responses and guilt on top of the stress and it’s wrecking me
I need advice for how to handle interactions and future outings with my friend

• I used to get held up on being considered their “best” friend but I no longer feel like that because I realized that level of desire is unhealthy and ultimately pointless
• Our dynamic is built on one-on-one hangouts so I feel bad incorporating other people/not hanging out alone with this person anymore
• How do I keep this person as a friend while preserving my own state of mind? How can I interact with them safely? I’m scared about getting sucked in again because I feel so close to being out of it
• I feel guilty because it’s not their fault our dynamic is weird; it’s completely mine

We have a dinner planned in a couple weeks because they’re coming into my area and I don’t know how to handle it
I just feel like a horrible person and I don’t know how to handle it and I’m scared that I’m gonna end up with no friends at all. I feel bad because I’ve been hot and cold on this friend because I’ve been trying to fix the dynamic and create distance
What courses of actions can I take besides complete NC? We’re in the same group of friends which makes NC difficult
It’s like I have a rational line of thought and an emotional one and sometimes I can’t discern what I need or want anymore
Any help is dearly appreciated! Thank you

I know Jesus is your best friend now. Love is surrounding you in a way I will never comprehend until I am there with you ❤️ I'm still down here though, I'm living & learning without you ❤️ I went to a restaurant with a patio today. I know those were your favorite.. especially at nighttime ~ super brownie points if there was a fire to sit next to. 🩵 I experienced the trigger of a life time. I sat there as it began happening and had to distract myself to keep from crying. The sky was beautiful. 🧡 The air felt blissful. It breaks my heart.. The darkness of life took you away from me & I had to watch you struggle to climb out of that darkness. 🙏🏼 Alcohol took your life away & when you would be able to defeat it & the real you, the man I married, the husband who loves me more than anything on this earth was able to be the one doing the talking and walking... Those moments were everything. I wish you didn't have to fight that fight. 🌷 Even you didn't want to do the things you did, but whatever was inside of you was out to get me and you. 💚 I am thankful before God called you to be looking down on me from above instead of into my eyes by my side that you found Him again. 🧡 Your heart was where it was supposed to be my love 💕 & I hope you're getting the most amazing moments with your dad, I know you missed him more than anything. 🩷 I remembered at the restaurant today when everything went white at that bar and I had what I could only guess was an anxiety attack. I wasn't drinking, but I told you I was scared and I felt like I was going to fall. My body got hot & I got weak and dizzy & you pulled me on top of you & kept running your fingers through my hair until I could see again. You told me I am okay, you had me, you would never let anything happen to me, and how much you loved me & how beautiful I am.. until I could see again and my strength came back. 🥹 I miss you & I'll always love you.. 💞. I know alcohol was a demon and it always was, but I always picked you. No matter what. I hope you got to see the story of your life and got to see how much I loved you. How you were the only one. I've got a lot I've had to heal from and there are some small remnants left but none of my story would have been successful without you. The good and the bad. 🧡 I love you.. yes I am still your noodle ~ Disney princess ~ snow white 🥰 I was so lucky to have been able to love you and be loved by you. Please tell Jesus I love Him so He hears it from you too. 💚

I only recently realized that my attachment style is fearful avoidant. Before that, my subconscious would hyper-focus on women and people and try to either find problems to push them away or essentially deem myself not worthy enough and so I became clingy because in my head they would abandon me so I tried to fix everything and this dynamic lasted several years to the point that I recognized looking back that it almost felt bipolar due to the oscillations of extreme insecurity and then into extreme disinterest or becoming uninterested and I think that I always get women that are going through their own issues whether it be they're still in committed relationships and they just want an emotional crutch while they're dealing with their emotional issues and despite showing interest for me there is clearly no indication of long-term wanting me as a partner and it kind of feels like I'm reinforcing my beliefs by a. having not accepted that the problem was partly my own but b. also picking partners that are far from changing my self-perception and worth as it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of I believe I don't deserve love and then I find partners that don't demonstrate this love

You never know which word will be your last.

UMA Language sits in the eighth seat of the Dark Roundtable. Her existence provides the foundation for spoken communication between beings. She appears in Nico's lab in Soul's attempt to kill Ichico before she can inform the Union about the power of souls. Then she makes her enemy 100x stronger and sends an exploding star into her home base...ah, eto, bleh.

Key

Scaling

• Andy / Undead
• Feng Kowloon / Unfade
• God
• Ichico Nemuri / Unsleep
• Nico Vorgeil / Unforgettable

Notes

• Feats are listed in order of appearance. Hover over a link to see the chapter(s) of origin.

Non-Rule Feats

Physicals

• Blocks Andy's soul bullet
• In the middle of a dust explosion, fine
• Half of her face is charred after Feng's soul blast that kills Luna
• Dies when her version of Sun is killed by Soul

Other

• Can fly, or at least hover
• Appeared inside the Nico lab and turned Zack into a throne
• Can see Ichico's soul
• Returns to Phase 2 from Phase 3

Superior Master Rule: Language

Core

• Still capable of playing shiritori even as she dies
• Weds Nico and Ichico with her final word in shiritori, which also loses her the game and evaporates her being

Phase 2
Shiritori
Creations

• An iron meteorite that breaks Nico's faulty Aegis
• Eruption
• Lightning that blows up Lan in a dust explosion
• Lance of Longinus, which breaks Nico's black metal
• Shen Long, which kills Ichico's umibozu and survives a blow from Feng until he goes on to pulverize it
• Evolution sends her into Phase 3
• Supernova
  • Even pushing Sun off the planet would fail to escape the detonation radius

Rules

• Uses all languages in existence, manifesting what is said to fight the other person's word
• The portion of her soul within her shiritori creations allows her to take damage
• Within her game, it's possible to summon souls back from the subspace afterlife

Other

• Mutes Fuuko, Isshin, Top and Julia
• Her hemisphere-scale language absorption can go even bigger, as she threatens to collapse civilization with it
• Skewers Ichico on a blade that appears from her book

Phase 3 (All Shiritori Creations)

• Evolution sends her into Phase 3 via the harvested languages, which changes the rules to allow two words per turn instead of one
• Sol and Luna summon the gods' avatars, and while she is incapable of summoning 1-1 versions of them, they still:
  • Get kicked in the face really hard by Feng
  • Biden blast Feng
  • Can't be beaten singlehandedly
  • Heal themselves after Feng and Ichico's attack
  • Tank a nuclear bomb & railgun shot (though it destroys one arm on each
  • Require understanding souls to land damage on Luna
  • Sun holds firm against the Soul Dreadnought weapon attempting to push it into the wormhole until Feng adds his energy to Nico's effort
• Balmung and Excalibur, which kill Feng and Ichico's soul
• Gae Bolg and Gungnir
• Ikutachi and Chandrahas

Sorry, Sou. I lost.

I'm not sure where to post this, as time passes, I doubt my issue is really AvPD, although some issues are quite similar. For instance, the reason I procrastinate is to avoid difficult emotions and feelings.
This week, up until today (as I had anticipated) has gone quite well. Except for Monday, because I was suffering the consequences of not sleeping enough on Sunday.
There are some almost constant issues with my life that I'm trying to work on. I'll try to be brief:

• I have trouble sleeping. I feel a lot of anxiety and guilt at night, I don't want the day to end because I don't want next day to begin. I think this happens mainly because I know I'm not spending my time wisely and I waste a lot of time doing nothing (well, not really "nothing", I'm actually avoiding).
• I'm trying to lose weight and it's been incredibly difficult. I'm an emotional eater and I'm always anxious. Eating something I shouldn't eat causes a brief feeling of pleasure followed by guilt and anxiety, which makes me want to eat more. On top of guilt and anxiety, I tend to eat when I'm bored, which happens a lot if I'm wasting my time.
• I procrastinate a lot. I don't want to do boring tasks, I don't want to do tedious tasks, I don't want to face the idea that I'm not smart enough, which happens when I read something and I don't instantly understand it. In an attempt to not procrastinate, I keep myself from doing things I know will absorb too much of my time, like playing videogames I actually like. So I end up doing nothing productive (as in good for me, including having fun).
• My death drive is usually too strong, so I don't really feel like doing things, even if I enjoy them. I mean, one reason of not playing videogames I would enjoy playing is being sensible and knowing I wouldn't be able to control myself, spend too much time playing and then not doing other things I need to do; but this is another important reason. Overcoming this everyday is a huge effort for me. This obviously doesn't help with any of the above. It leads me to procrastinate more, that increases anxiety and guilt, so I eat more and then I can't sleep because of the piled up guilt and anxiety.

And it's a vicious cycle, because the following day, after not sleeping enough, I actually have an "excuse": I'm sleepy and tired.
Some more context: I'm currently working full time and studying a master's part time. I have three subjects this semester and I find all of them interesting, but there is one I love, one that is difficult and one that is boring (the subject is interesting, the assignments are boring). The next deadline is next week for all three (Monday, Friday and Sunday respectively). My uncle is visiting next weekend, so I have to finish them all before the weekend if I want to spend time with him.
A friend helped me with the difficult one, he doesn't know it but thanks to him I have some external pressure to finish it early and discuss it.
This week I planned on working on the one I like. I managed to do something everyday, my plan was to finish it on Friday but I was done on Thursday. I managed to be productive and finish the assignment way before the deadline. This means I wasn't bored, I didn't overeat and I slept better than any other week.
This is huge for me. I mean, I'm sure I could have also taken some time to exercise, but I don't expect to completely fix a problem I've been having for half of my life all of a sudden. I'm being realistic.
I also know this doesn't mean I am half fixed either. I managed to do this only because it was the subject I like. And I knew I would procrastinate again as soon as I started "working" on the boring assignment. Which is what happened today (is knowing yourself too well a "self-fulfilling prophecy"?).
It was a peek of what I can do, of what my life can be. It's a small step on the right direction. And the best part: even though it was an effort on my part, it wasn't a huge one. I feel like it was just the right amount to feel satisfaction after it's done.

Hello everyone! I wanted to write and share something constructive for this space, that hopefully goes beyond snarking specific names and personalities and helps those who have been harmed in one way or another find a bit of understanding around what happened to them and why.
I've shared pieces of my story here before but the gist is: I am not from the coaching world. I'm from the general spirituality world - from a spiritual modality that has an aspect of divine feminine and divine masculine that has always interested me, but few others in the community. I learned about this whole specific mess listening to love & light confessionals, and went deep into the rabbit hole. The perversion of understanding of masculine/feminine energy dynamics was horrifying but also enlightening. I'm big on learning how NOT to be from people who give me the major ick. This is why I've done a lot of deep diving in general on cults, gurus, and manipulative spirituality in general - and there's a lot to take away if you can go in with this mindset. I'm also hella autistic and love infiltrating niche internet subgroups whose experiences are much different than mine so I can - again - learn from the experieneces of others, and gain more empathy and understanding of the vast human experience.
I was a very forward facing person for the nonprofit I volunteered for for over 4 years. There was no "guru" that I supplicated, however there was a person formally in charge who abused their power and the willingness of others to help the organization, and was known to be cruel in private, when it suited them. I didn't see this person as above me - in fact in a lot of ways they were quite pitiful and needed a lot of help/support in their role - which is what I did, willingly and for practically free. At one point, the entire org sat down and did a call in of this person, however, they were able to push everyone that they couldn't control out of the way and rewrote the story with themselves as the victim (we all know this one). The final falling out happened at the end of 2019, so luckily for them Covid gave them some time to figure out how to run their events without me (they hired a paid staff).
Anyway, I gave many many hundreds of hours to this cause, and then the person in charge was able to take advantage of me and then push me out of the community I had served very seriously for 6 years with rumors that I had been trying to steal money. This is so far beyond the truth, and everyone involved directly knows this, but no one came to dispell the rumor. So, I've been heartbroken by supposedly "spiritual" leaders of a community, that's for sure. In fact listening to Katya was part of the cult deprogramming that me and a group who had left together went through (this group also used, abused, and betrayed me but that's another story!)
So, this isn't going to be about me, I just wanted to share my background. This is about what the divine feminine and the divine masculine "REALLY" are. This may get a bit woo in here but I can't imagine anyone here is afraid of woo. In fact it's the mystery of the spiritual experience that allows these people to cause so much harm. So let me try to remove some of that mystery.
The creation is polarized, in many ways. One of those ways is masculine/feminine. The masculine force is the will, the conscious mind, and that which puts the infinity of possible experience into order. It in and of itself is quite fallible. The feminine force is the subconscious mind - all that is - and the untapped potential of this reservoir. The masculine reaches for the feminine, and if the will (masculine) is properly configured, the unmanifest creation (feminine) will give him something in return. The masculine NEEDS the feminine but the feminine doesn't really NEED the masculine, however it does desire the masculine's attention being focused it its direction (instead of random mundane wordly experiences). And the feminine wants the masculine's attention consistently, lest the feminine will not be consistent at all in its response. This attention can be forceful or gentle, but it must be consistent.
Every human has a balance of masculine/feminine energy in them, and while women are socially conditioned to tend towards feminine expression and men towards masculine, biological sex really has very very little to do with it. There are of course, positive feminine expressions and negative, and positive male expressions and negative. What these polarity goons do is mostly focus on a mix of positive/negative masculine expression for the man, 0 female expression, and then only positive feminine expression for the woman with maybe, possibly, a bit of positive masculine expression (only during working hours when you're in seperate offices, and only if you're paying the bills, ofc)
Typically, we are attracted to partners who "balance" out our spiritual energy - so the "polarization" in a relationship can be anywhere from hyper masc/hyper femme to barely masc/barely femme - and again, this is NOT a hard and fast rule and has almost NOTHING to do with sex other than a general (mostly cultural) bias. The hyper femme/hyper masc scenario can definitely be more, well, exciting and dramatic than a relationship between two people who have very little polarized charge in that way between them. But that's likely why few of these polarity gurus have any experience in longevity of relationships - they are fueling their "twin flame" relationship with manufactured drama and trauma bonding. In reality, in a relationship, you are supposed to grow together and be more willing to meet each other where you are at in the moment, instead of demanding they be a near perfect idealized form before you offer them any attention/respect.
The reason these male teachers push polarity doctrine is literally because of their own wounding of the expression of the masculine/feminine. Men (especially USian men) have been taught that expressing any aspect of their feminine selves is repulsive and weak and probably gay. So, their solution to their own inability to be vulnerable is to attack women - for being "too masculine" - aka some balanced expression of both, normal! They want their women to be 100% pure unformed childlike energy with no will of their own, just a will that can be given to the man. They want them to embody this feminine space as close to 100% of the time so that they are forced into their masculine 100% of the time. Girlies, if you are in your masculine, this makes them feel more in their feminine and - gosh that's just icky and disgusting. You don't want your man to get a boner for you when you're in the masculine - that might make him GAY! In the very least it's totally beta to be attracted to a masculine woman and basically gay anyway. No thanks!
I'm sorry to be facetious, but this is in general a lot of the subconscious and even sometimes conscious thought processes behind these hyper polarity relationships. These are not evolved, embodied people. These are people who are still very invested in the old fashioned human status quo that has served them for a long time. We had the thread a few weeks back with the Desire on Fire lady (ugh her name escapes me) talking about how her husband had to "put her in her place" for being "too masculine" and how he really just "didnt want her" when she was in her masculine, when she was literally just running her business. Masculine wounding almost ALWAYS shows up as men being jealous of women being better at them in their own field - or really successful publicly at all - and this is why women STILL have a hard time breaking into male dominated spaces. We are systemically kept out because men die inside when they feel inferior to women. They were told this wasn't supposed to happen!!!! In fact, the person who spiritually abused me was a man - I see now how he "kept" me as a pet because of my high standing in the community. But this meant I was still firmly below him in certain ways - a much more comfortable place for me to be, someone who challenged him on his "expertise".
This polarity movement is taking a true spiritual concept and distorting it just to set women back. They don't want you to have an opinion or agency - other than "me want money" and "me want sex". They want you to play on Instagram all day and recruit ladies for them to sexually assault at your joint "retreats". They want you to only feel valued if you're made up and dressed up and "desired" by men. None of this internalized self worth stuff, only external male validation is allowed. Ladies, if any of you reading this are with some sort of this type of man, please, I beg you, choose the bear. This is the type of man who leaves you as soon as your body culminates too many signs of being aged. They are entitlted to a specific cartoon image of what they think a "woman" is, and sadly this culture has made young women INCREDIBLY easy to manipulate, so finding another partner is often quite easy for older men. It's all by design.
Here's another spiritual truth that is often obscured: One of the polarities of divinity is the left hand path and the right hand path. The left hand path is the path of control, wealth, using others, egocentrism, etc. The right hand path is about acceptance, generosity, helping others, and sacrifice. The middle path is a path with little to no power - it's the path of comfort, the path most people are on.
When one walks the middle path - i.e. has not really begun to truly develop their spiritual side - they do not yet have spiritual discernment. What happens when they come across someone who has been using spiritual principles to "build their wealth/power" is that they see someone with a spiritual light - and this isn't super common on social media. When we're hungry for it, we're like a moth to the flame. That's why they always know they'll be another mark. The problem then is when we don't have discernment, we cannot tell which "hand" the light is coming from, and often it's very easy to confuse the left hand for the right and vice versa. For instance, I am giving up a large part of my day to write this purely to help others in this community - Carly or MAL or someone might stumble upon this and see it as "evil". But that's because they see the light, but to them it's against their light, so I'm the evil one. But all I'm trying to offer is freedom of mind, and they're mad because they want your bag, and this is dependent on you being confused and them keeping a crumb of clarity behind a paywall. 💰
Now, some of these girlies are walking the "left hand path" a lot better than the others. I dont know many coaches beyond those talked about here, but I would say someone like MAL has a pretty firm grasp on who she is - a scam artist, a liar, and a user. She's always making up stories and whatnot - she's a pathological liar. She will do anything to get her way. This is pretty serious when you've been behaving this way for years and years. Her image is very rigid and polished, and despite showing up unprepared and offering word salad to her paying persons, her "outer circle" (social media feed etc) is much more curated than most of the other coaches I've seen. She's at the top of the pyramid so she has a huge amount of control and influence. If she cracks someday, we'll see it, and usually people struggle to return to the top once they falter. I'm sure she's already showing some signs of paranoia, which is the first sign a high control person is starting to become unhinged.
Then there are the messier girlies, like Carly, and Karen who has recently been more thoroughly exposed here. These ladies show up very vulnerable to social media, and often are struggling with illness - as someone has said here before, Carly's early coaching gigs were about health and dealing with chronic illness, until she realized that space wasn't sexy or profitable. I'm not saying this is the root of all illness, but transient illness can be a sign of a spiritual mismatch in intentions/action - especially with these people who claim to be "healers" or adjacent to that space. You have to walk your talk, or your body begins to show your hypocrisy. There is a part of these ladies who feel they are truly "helping the planet" and get confused internally when the reaction of their "offers" isn't for people to fall down at their feet worshipping them. This is why they say stuff like "wealth is a mindset!" and other magical thinking - most of them have lived privileged lives and have never been "out" of abundance. They think their "luck" is a carefully curated vibration that they can rub off on others. And like, while I believe that being in the vibrations of someone who is more spiritually mature can help "elevate" someone - these people are playing with spiritual practices and, while seeing some results, truly have no clue what they are talking about and dealing with. People who truly understand manifestation, whether left or right hand, are not busting their ass all day on Instagram trying to recruit lukewarm clients for peanuts. Carly tries SO HARD to sell that all of her work is "easy" and she can "take a walk in the middle of the day!" and not work while she's bleeding and whatnot. But girl, you're hustling and thirsty all over Insta all day every day - this is not abundance, this is not wealth and gratitude, it's giving "big empty black hole in my soul that will never be filled except with more money" energy, babe.
Then there are the girlies like xogingy and The Content Queen whose whole brand seems to be just being a mess all over the place. This sells because it makes people think "well I'm messy maybe I can be messy and rich/successful" but the mess for these girls is much more embraced and embodied than with the prim types like Carly and Karen, who want to be pure luxe and sexy and divine feminine perfection. But the luxe and sexy types are really doing the recruiting for their sexual in-person retreats (or clothing optional zooms) because they're just mega horny all the time (which - btw - is another sign of spiritual imbalance)
And that's the thing - being horny all of the time means your energy body is JACKED. It's not a sign of a free flow of creative energy to crave sex all of the time. Of course a major aspect of this is the sexual magic - yes, there is magic in sex, and I think it's where these folks get most of their magic, because they follow left hand sexual magic practice exclusively (control BDSM). They do play rapes (and borderline real rapes and, in some cases, actual real rapes on their clients/partners), orgasm denial, humiliation, pain rituals - all stuff that truly, objectively, isn't good for the soul. And notice how it's almost always one sided - the male being in total control of the female - though, Carly's substack did have a story about how they did a "role reversal" where she raped/humiliated him and that was um, something I read. 😳 But generally it's the women's job to always be turned on and "dripping wet" and whatnot, so that when her masculine partner gets a boner she's ready for him to slide it in. And then that's always the best sex, the sex that you "surrender" to.... On the contrary, sex between "right hand" practitioners tends to leave both partners feeling quite satisfied and sated - heck, even if only one happens to orgasm! Whereas control oriented sex often has orgasm denial which intentionally leaves the person craving more.
All this is to say, no one should feel guilty for being duped, or conned, or confused, even still. Almost all of these people have weaponized spiritual concepts in some ways and are wielding them with the intention to separate you from your money. They actually do have something that works. But they will NEVER sell you the whole story. And the fact is, this experience likely did happen to you because your soul was aching for some sort of uplevel - or initiation. It's just that initiation rarely looks like getting what we want. MAL et al makes it look like initiation is giving a rich lady 5 figures, popping a bottle of champagne, and roleplaying as that rich lady to which you just gave all that money (or at least, roleplaying as her social media feed). But if you're truly in it for the soul, your experience is going to help you uncover your soul. And part of uncovering our souls at this point in time seems to be having some serious spiritual trauma. And I know some people here probably only did this as "playing around" and not serious and unfortunately, playing with spirituality can be can be dangerous in and of itself. These is not to victim blame at all. It just is the nature of the spiritual path that it may growl and bite at you to test your growth. It's not just a sexy pleasure party 24/7, unless you want to step on a LOT of people to get there.
Anyway, this is very long and I'm not sure it's going to even fit into a reddit post at this point. But I just wanted to share some of the spiritual insights I've had over the years (been on my spiritual journey for over a decade at this point). I don't know it all, but I do know that I live with a general peace of mind that I wish I could sell in a coaching package or voxer group. But I can't/won't do that. So I'll keep to my lifelong duty of making longwinded, mega autistic posts on internet forums that might help a few people orient to a less painful or confused frame of mind, free of charge.
But on that note, before I finish, I'll offer my general spiritual advice: Firstly, take a short time every day to do some sort of sitting/meditation. Learning how to quiet the mind is a skill, and it's the first skill required to learn discernment. Once we can quiet the mind, we can start to learn which thoughts are our own and which thoughts we have absorbed from others - and if you haven't begun this process yet, you may be surprised to find out that the vast majority of your thoughts are actually just society, family, teachers, social media, advertising, etc etc, repeating in your mind and taking up valuable real estate. This is the real hurdle to "manifestation" - clearing away all the false desires that get in the way of our true desires. Subsequently, learning about chakras and tuning into my energy body has also given me a good base for insight and clarity that comes from within my own body.
Secondly, just try to think of others before yourself more often than not. Don't justify manipulating people for your own benefit. Oneness means you treat others how you want to be treated - in a gentle, and nurturing way. When we harm others, especially from a spiritual place, we perpetuate harm, and therefore accept that potential harmful treatment of ourselves. Treating others sincerely with reverence and respect, and setting boundaries so that we don't allow people to treat us with disrespect, is how we generate a reality that treats us with reverence and respect by default. A lot easier said than done, but it is possible.
Love and light to you all.

hey so i am (F19) now in college, but the negative comments/experience I had had in high school sticks to me. I had moved around high school freshman - sophomore (covid for half of freshman and full year for sophomore) year i stayed a new high school in a new district, moved again junior year to the old district in a new high school. I had known some people from elementary, tried to catch up, it was good for the first half of the year, but later on it went downhill. people (girls) were not that nice, I would say that I use positive reinforcement in a negative way.
Some girls who I thought were my friends would sometimes say things and in the moment, I would feel for a second that it was hurtful, but because I like to protect myself, I painted it as maybe a joke, them being playful, and I did that for the rest of the school year. It was really the first time people ever really dug at me. I am not good at confrontation and I don't like to see the truth if I know that it will hurt me.
It was the typical things, pretending to be your friends upfront, or making comments surrounding your body, backbiting, being judge mental, making comments surrounding my intelligence, (i would ditch, but i was really sad and I constantly looked for anything to make me happy) I know that from high school to older age, you do hit puberty again and I was a bit skinnier back then and sometimes their comments would revolve around my body and now that I have gained a few pounds I can feel the old comments being reinforced (in my head). Or some comments that I am not that pretty, and somethings I believe in those comments, even though i know they aren't true, I know a part of me believes it. It's hard to think that people who have done you wrong will live a peaceful life.
We live around the same area so smths I fear (even when writing this) that they may see this post or see me and laugh. I have struggled with my sense of self esteem, since I have been little. I tend to cover it by trying to appear confidence, which backfires and I usually end up being cocky. I try to cover it with makeup or my hair, but I know that when I take it all of, it isn't me.
I am obsessed with them and I can find myself ruminating with the idea. I have already talked with a counselor ( i went online for senior year to get mental health) and I fear when I see them (old classmates, not the girls in general) that they smths look at, some have asked, one followed me for a bit, and I know it is none of their business, but it still haunts me.
I constantly feel the need to prove something to them even though they are no longer in my life, maybe my ego is hurt, but I tried talking to counselors and they seem frustrated that I'm stuck in the same situation, so I'm afraid. I want to be better and live free of them.
How do I move forward, live in the present, not fear them anymore, and improve my self esteem. It seems I pretend to be confident ends up in being cocky and cry bcuz deep down I know I’m insecure
please if any advice, whether hard truth or anything nice, I am open

I’m trying to determine if an orthopedic office is billing me correctly. My daughter broke her wrist out of state. We went to the ED and she was x rayed and sedated for realignment and casting. Discharged with instructions to follow up with an orthopedist local to us.
A week later we went to a local orthopedic clinic. They did X-rays through her cast, told us it looked good, and wanted to see her back in 3 weeks for more x-rays.
We received the claims for that first visit and the charges were over $2500. The clinic submitted CPT 25600, no modifiers. As I understand it, this code covers both the initial fracture treatment (“surgery”) and post operative care. A doctor who is only providing follow up/post operative care should submit the code with the modifier -55 which is billed at 20% or the full code cost. I spoke to the clinic but they gave me an explanation that didn’t make sense (basically said her ED provider wasn’t part of their clinic so they bill the full code). Insurance company can’t/won’t do anything because the ER billed her care as general emergency codes and not specific treatment codes, so there’s no evidence on their end we have been double-billed (this is also going toward our deductible so the insurance doesn’t have any real skin in the game). I submitted a formal request to review the billing code to the clinic through their online portal, but haven’t gotten a response yet.
So my question is two-fold: 1. Am I right in thinking the CPT code was billed incorrectly and we were overcharged? 2. What are my options to escalate/get a third party review if the clinic refuses to change the codes?

National Security Language Initiative for Youth (NSLI-Y) Scholarship: Fully funded by the U.S Department of State, NSLI-Y provides intensive 8-week language & cultural immersion programs in locations around the world. The program is part of a U.S. government initiative to foster international cooperation by ensuring that Americans have the linguistic skills and cultural knowledge necessary to effectively communicate. NSLI-Y provides overseas critical language study opportunities to American youth through merit-based scholarships to spark a lifetime interest in critical foreign languages and cultures.
The program schedule consists of 4 hrs of language study at a local school, cultural excursions after school, free time, time w/ host family, homework.
Pros • Free travel to Indonesia, low income so might be only chance • Learn Indonesian language • Love traveling/ study abroad (my dream) • I’ve been focused on school, I want a break before college • Meet new friends • Could help me get other study abroad • Intangible benefits: personal growth, language, etc. • Short term fun • Can leave home earlier
Cons • College starts the day after I get back (3 hrs away) • Orientation dates are when im gone so I wont be able to go in person • Will probably attend a virtual orientation but its when im already gone • Only chance to participate
Government Internship for rising college freshman: Engineering internship at an Air Force Base w/ a college prep element. 1st & 2nd years do college/ life prep & engineering. 3rd & 4th years are placed on a team.
Pros • If I stay in the program, they will most likely offer a job (main purpose of program) • Guaranteed internship throughout college if I keep a 3.0 GPA • I’ll make around 6,000 (Salaried 30k+) • Salary increases every summer • College prep themes every week: guest speakers in industry, mentors, life lessons, “college hacks”, etc. • Project-based learning assignments: Learn coding in python (currently a beginner), build & program hardware, etc. • Can use all base amenities • Head start to learn Computer Engr & mentorship as first gen low income • Tangible benefits: money, engineering skills, career advancement, etc. • Long term advancements
Cons • Would be giving up other summer opportunities • If I decide I don’t want to do it anymore, I’ll regret not doing NSLI-Y Indonesian summer • Won’t be able to apply until sophomore year & the college prep isn’t included • If I get the post college job, I’ll have to move back near my hometown
I’m really conflicted on what to chose because I really love to travel, and I feel like going on the study abroad will be really beneficial to me. Though a lot of people have told me it would be stupid to pass up this internship because there are so many other study abroad opportunities. But I feel like there are other internships and I’ll be working the rest of my life so I should just enjoy the summer. At first I was gonna chose study abroad then I started to reconsider bc I fear that I won’t be good enough in engineering to get another internship in college.
So would I be “stupid” to pass up this internship for the study abroad?