Just wondering why it’s the new thing for it seems people to cut off their parents. I get severe abuse but while I wasn’t perfect by any means I raised my son from being 18 years old worker super hard went to school dealt with physical and mental abuse from his father so much so he went to jail. Fast forward, he finds someone in his early 20s and ends up paying for everything while working and going to school with my money as well. I don’t say much just ask the normal questions that concerned parents have when monetary questions come up and other minor things but only to him. Very minor things. I help with two degrees, rent, cars everything. Suddenly, after being with her he has a different beliefs on everything and while I get people evolve to this level and extent was definitely concerning. Ended up in counseling with him for a year while I am getting sick really sick I just ask for a chance with him - yet I feel this entire time I don’t bring up religion or politics which to be fair I never did before I would just go over things like I do think he is and was starting to just 100% be about her which is fine but so many changes so many of us being slowly distanced from but was happy to take any financial help from me so did she. Fast forward helped her with job didn’t exactly work out I was upset - meanwhile I never said anything to her only to my son. The were just living together but I understand not the best but I did it just like I feel many parents are concerned or can get frustrated esp since I was still helping financial and she went through career and jobs and everyone else was toxic and she was not speaking to her parents for years. He never cuts off contact from dad ever he is good guy the one that refused to help him his entire life, picked drugs and beating me over his son and helped his new kids with everything. He resumes contact with me after even cutting off my parents that treated him like a son even when my dad is sick just zero. Has over and over again said I don’t make her feel welcome or accepted oddly I have never felt the same I went out of my way besides a few statements about work to him only been humble and nice and helped them always with nothing expected. His dad introduced them. After I found out he got married from social media, I did lose it - we had been talking maybe once or twice a month and he always was scared to talk to me once he got near her being around and moved out of state. I knew something must be going on when I was crying and asking why he said I was being a victim that I am reactionary a lot of therapy speak but no apology just basically not a big deal and she doesn’t feel accepted I said what can I do I have apologized, send notes prior, acknowledge holidays zero worked. He said we all need therapy I agreed even though last time there were incidents he said happened that didn’t happen like I made fun of him at a birthday dinner by saying he was too serious at 16 was abusive. I still apologized. When I was blocked again after 5 years and spending less time than 3 hours with him in person I lost it - I did write emails about how I’ve been begging and walking on eggshells to gain acceptance and if this and a lot more but I had held in everything for years just pretending I am a horrible parent all her words btw - when I agreed to therapy he blocks me again and nothing makes sense unless it’s her even is own dad says it is. He is being 100% controlled by her and it’s rough being cut off. I am so depressed and my treatments are barely helping because of the chronic depression and anxiety - his dad still around so are her parents. I have apologized, letters emails calls and then left it alone for a year before he would send a birthday card or note or flowers or Mother’s Day he sends his two siblings Amazon cards only two weeks late. Barely speaks to them or my parents - doesn’t acknowledge me at all no cards no emails zero contact. I wrote a letter one of many to her no response.
I pray every day that my son will accept me for someone that can never be perfect but estrangement is so devastating I don’t diminish serious cases of abuse but that isn’t the case here. No parents are perfect they can try. I don’t understand why I can’t even get something back just hope nothing more. For children, please consider how devastating and depressing it can be to erase the person that gave you their all and sacrificed whatever you needed. I am not perfect again but I know in my heart I do not deserve no contact. It is like grieving a death and begging knowing I have zero ability to change it I even asked please if you can just let me know if there is a chance you will forgive me and speak to me no response- my dad is sick and I am sick - for kids that are thinking this is the only way it’s super hard. Beyond devastating.
Anything I can do?

I'll try to keep this as brief and simple as I can. The SAAQ issued a payment in my name for the amount of my vehicle after it was totalled in a collision. A cheque was sent to my address and a copy of said cheque/mail was also sent to my online SAAQClick account as a PDF. After looking everywhere in my house, I can't for the life of me remember where I ended up putting the the original letter that I got in the mail but I have the PDF file saved in my inbox. Is there an actual issue with printing out the cheque using the PDF file and using that to deposit the funds into my account??
I've been getting multiple conflicted answers about this all from various sources including the local RBC Branch tellers. They say they won't touch that thing with a 10-foot pole. Others are saying if the cheque is in my name the bank shouldn't see an issue accepting it assuming it's held for the 5-10days period for it to clear up.
In all honesty, my local RBC branch seem to make up rules as they go depending on how the weather is. So is this something where they would say not happening and another one would?
Your expertise and experience on the subject matter would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers!

I 33(f) have been married to my husband 39(m) for 6 years. I will call him Eric. Eric had a child (Ted) from a previous relationship and we also share another. We have been together for 12 years.
When we met I was an extreme party girl (21) who loved liquor and Eric was a daily beer drinker at home long before I came along. I did not see it for what it really was at the time. I was happy to have a partner who was a great dad from what I could tell (like my step-dad) and who knew how to also have a good time. It is what made me notice him in the first place.
He had his son (Ted) 50% of the time. Because of me, Eric and I essentially lived a double life for the first 6 months we were together. When Ted was at his moms I would go to parties with my friends and bring Eric every weekend and sometimes once during the week. However, I was very attentive when we did have Ted and loved taking care of him.
6 months into our relationship I was in a dnd accident which was my fault. Through that process I found AA and met amazing people and tried to get Eric to come with me. After 2 times he didn't want to go anymore. Him not quitting with me caused a lot of arguements. Our relationship was getting more toxic so I broke things off 2.5 months after my dnd accident. A few weeks later my step-father suddenly passed away traumatically.
He was my anchor to this world and was my everything. He was the one parent who didn't abuse me and was ever present. I almost immediately reached out to Eric because I selfishly wanted to be what my step-dad was for me to Ted in my grief. They were all close. We got back together and moved in together because we were losing my family home.
After moving in together: Eric's drinking did not improve. 3 tallboys or a 6 pack or more a night. Nothing I did or said changed his response and defiance.
Over the next year, we had a newborn. I had an emergency c section and was going through some deep dark post partum depression. He drank and was disconnected but worked hard. It was so hard for me I wanted to end it all many nights but did not. A couple years later, Ted's mom had overdosed on heroin but was revived and sent away to rehab. We had him full time for 3 years.
I had grown up exponentially since I met Eric into a woman who I was proud to be. I changed my ways and was a diplomatic mother figure to Ted and mother to his sibling.
Shortly after Ted's mom was back in the picture (Eric and I were already married by this time) we found out that we were going to be stuck with a 44k debt of hers that Eric had co-signed on when they were still together. She told us we were fkd and was not going to get a penny out of her because she had no money. Our shared account was zeroed out on multiple occasions when we were pinching pennies to save up for a house. Eric somehow made it go away despite lawyers turning us down and Eric never gave me a real answer on what happened with it. Eventually we got a house. Our forever home.
Years later I am asked to sign documents to account for all income we receive as a couple. We were both to sign the documents. The document asked if we received child support, so I asked him knowing full well years ago he told me she stopped paying years before that. He reluctantly said yes and also reluctantly gave me the amount paid. Also saying the money almost immediately went to Ted's moms 44k debt. We were not in a position to talk deeply about it at that exact time. But noted it. I was asked to provide proof.
After a month of begging for the paperwork and offering simple solutions that were turned down. On the very last day we needed the paperwork I was given it. When I saw it, the math was not making sense. In asking probing questions and repeating them til I got a direct answer he accidentally let it slip that what money isn't going to the unpaid debt is going into his account he uses for his alcoholism and marijuana (legal in our state).
The only account I knew of was our shared account and the separate account I have in my name (that he knows of) to protect our savings from getting pulled in fear of our account getting zeroed out again due to the 44k unpaid debt. He then tried to backtrack but it was already done.
I went completely catatonic. I see money go out of our shared account from his drinking and cigarettes and pulling money for what I assume is for his Marijuana. It did cross my mind sometimes the money (which was a lot) still never seemed to add up to how much drinking and smoking I saw happen which was always a problem. Now it's an even larger problem.
What scares me the most is I feel nothing. I'm hurt but not in the intensity I should be. I know I should be angry, I know this is a HUGE act of betreyal. I'm even nice to him (because im not sure how I truly feel and because I dont want to scare the kids) and I found out only 24 hrs ago. I'm terrified for my future. I pity him.
He stopped drinking the day after Memorial Day because I gave him an ultimatum due to his drinking where he had weeks to prep. For many years he's been an absent father and I've handled all kid stuff. I've also gone to sleep alone almost every night for atleast 10 years because he'll pass out on the couch drinking. It has always been an issue and gets brought up by me almost nightly at times.
He says he's had the card and account for 3 years, I doubt it. I am having him write me a letter confessing everything, what I already know and what I don't know. I'm also having him write in it why he did it and why I should stay with him because I am at a loss.
Being disassoated from what's happening has never happened to me in my life. I've never gone catatonic before. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. Being the only functioning adult in this relationship practically our whole relationship has already been so hard, but atleast I knew he would never cheat on me and I thought I knew I could trust him. I am questioning my entire life choices now but it still feels like I'm in a dream. That this isn't happening to me even though it is. He says he wants to go to AA with me by his side (I havent gone in many many years, havent needed it, I rarely drink because it reminds me of how much his drinking disgusts me), says he wants to get better, but I feel numb. I don't know what to do or think and hope I will find my answer when he confesses what he will in his letter. I have no idea if it will be enough. It feels like it's too little too late but my heart doesn't want to leave even though I know this empty feeling must mean it's broken. The thought of splitting up our family no longer feels like it's my choice. I'm afraid of losing my self respect if I don't, but I'm also afraid to leave, and leave Ted behind.

Hi hi. I hope you're all doing well. I know it's probably sort of silly to come to a subreddit like his to just talk, but I wanted a place to do so and this seemed like the best option.
I'm so... so sad. And I try not to think about it so much, but it gets hard sometimes. I'm tearing up heavily just writing this post. I'm 20M, and I'm out of school, in College, but I had to withdraw from my first two semesters because I just couldn't handle it.
I'm doing my best to put on a happy face for everyone around me, including those I love, but I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it, I keep having these breakthrough days where I just don't have the energy to even get up, much less help around the house or get out to do anything.
My one thought that I always come back to is that I just want to be little again. The world was so much brighter then. I would come home from my elementary school and sit in the family office watching my mother play Plants Vs Zombies. And I always got so scared of the Zombies but I wanted to stay in there and put on a brave face for her. And then I'd go play with my toys... my Thomas the Tank Engine toys... those were my favorites. We'd occasionally go to the store and get a new one to add to my little train collection.. And my stuffed animals. I thought they were so magical. My mom would write me letters from one of them, one of my favorites. I think a little part of me died the day I found out it was just her. But I still had that childlike wonder, the feeling that nothing could or would go wrong. As I got older, things just got grayer. I don't know why.
I don't know why I have all these thoughts. I'm on a cocktail of medicines that SHOULD be working. But when I have them in me, I just feel... numb to everything? The dog I had for the longest time died earlier in the year, and I just didn't feel anything. It's not like I'm avoiding taking them, but I feel like... it just dampens anything I do. I know that's probably silly.
My mom and dad are so supportive of me and I love them so much. But I know they're not always going to be there, and there's always that little thought in the back of my head that says, would I be better off if I went before them so I wouldn't have to bear losing them? I know it's not right, but I don't know if I could lose one of them and still be okay.
Everything moves so fast these days. I have to pay attention to so many things. When I was little, nothing seemed like it would ever move. I liked it that way. God, I even broke down when my family changed the wallpaper in the house I grew up in. I still have a little strip I keep of that wallpaper I have in a music box. I never want to lose it.
And I love my dad. I love him so much. I know he's not got the same thoughts that I do, he grew up in a different time. I know I'm neurodivergent. And he does his very best to accommodate me, but he still makes me sad sometimes, and then he feels like it's his fault, and then HE gets sad, and then I feel awful... it's not the best dynamic, but I do my best to roll with it.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post so much, I just needed a place to write down my thoughts, I think. I have no plans of taking my life, or anything silly like harming myself, but I need something. I don't know what I need, though. I just need these thoughts to stop. I get so sad... and I know I have an okay life. So why do I feel this way? Thank you for listening to me, if indeed you still are, and I hope you have an excellent rest of your night.

Dearest,
I want you to understand me fully, because I find it immensely difficult to communicate any of this unless it is all laid out as one mindset, for I fear being misconstrued as ill-intended when for me this is an exercise of truth and speaking that truth which I feel. It is an exercise of honesty, and one of humility as I lay bare before your conscious attention the fullness of my feeling.
I have loved and I have lost. A number of times now, in various ways. I have explored depths of despair, loneliness, grief, trauma, and other shadowy sides to myself and after entertaining death itself for years, I have emerged refreshed and cleansed. I choose life and all that this incarnation has in store for me while my lungs continue to take breath and my heart continues to beat.
My orientation to life has long been to clench and grip and grab and tightly hold on to illusions of control and security. To ensnare people with untenable relationship arrangements founded on a lack of self-acceptance and love. To entertain conditional and transactional experiences with other humans, for fear of being taken advantage of. These seeds I have allowed to take root have sprung up many times, as I have continued to water and enrich them with anxieties and fears. No longer. I choose to live and to love. I choose to cultivate a space of love that welcomes and accepts and validates and entertains without the need for gripping and containing those who enter it. And as the space expands the walls of my heart, the incalculable depths of loving potential arise to the surface and saturate my being. I choose to be love itself, incarnate as far as my current form will allow. I honor my limitations and find great serenity in accommodating and challenging them in due course.
One of my core powers is understanding the nature of limitation itself. Thus I recognize that in terms of my love, a limit does not exist that can ever long persist. My love is infinite. As I fall into the space of love, I too am infinite as a whole and no longer feel a need to leave this form, or end things, or to do anything especial to avoid suffering. I am just love itself, and that is enough to satisfy my mind and my heart and my soul. All that exists that may limit the outpouring of this love is the nature of my form, and that blessedly is ever changing—seemingly to the benefit of all, and will ever grow alongside the expansion of my heart.
This space is supremely difficult to remain in forever. But when I am with you dearest, I am always in that space. I am always in that space of love with you. Even right now. I am in love with you. Do you get what I am saying? I love you as a person, a human, a being in general. I adore so many aspects of you. But I am also IN the space of love WITH you. I am in love WITH you. I love you, but I am also in love with you.
I have no fear stating this. How could I be afraid of loving utterly she for whom I hold all desire? How could I fear you, dearest, when your embrace is pure comfort and pleasure? You are divinely saturated in feminine expression and attract every atom of my being like a super-magnet. In fact, you instead take all my fears away and alchemize them into precise and pristinely perfect inspiration for me to cheerfully ingest, effortlessly. You ARE my inspiration, my muse, my lady, my woman, and my lover in my mind and in my heart.
Your laugh is a fountain of music and your speech an enchantment for my ears. Your smile as you grin at me is so wonderfully and delightfully silly, mischievous, cheerful, hopeful, and full of desire all at once. I have never felt my capacity to love so challenged as by you, but neither have I ever recognized just how utterly willing I am and will ever be to fully explore that capacity with you.
The way your eyes sparkle with celestial radiance, and draw me down into their depths is a fantasy ride into the very dreamy undertones of my most private subconscious sensualities. And with a bright unserious laugher bubbling up in the blink of said eyes, you make me go to pieces with chagrin and humility in the best possible way. Often, your glance pierces with icy diamond sharpness, but gives way to pools of the most vibrant tropical paradise blue that are wells of the deepest wisdom; a spring from the mountains that begins a stream that will take a lifetime to meet the sea. I would swim in the depths of those pools forever, were I so fortunate as to be invited closer than the leaves of the trees on the edge of the forest. The Keen-Eyed I name you, for there exists no veil or shroud over me that your gaze cannot penetrate with swift and unyielding overtones of warmth and delight. No shadow can endure that light.
Your skin is taut; your muscles wrought—of strength, and powerful endurance. You make the lands vibrate with joy and excitement as the wind chases your feet as they dance through the world. When it is out, the sun glows dazzlingly, glittering with tiny rainbows of color as it plays across your aesthetic and athletic form, and all the wildflowers yearn in anticipation as you pass—hoping for the glory and chance of being picked and tucked behind your ear—to their greatest delight and honor. Framing the soft expanse of your brow, the tresses of your hair flash with a rare and glorious golden radiance that only the light of the stars glittering in the inky darkness of night could produce. Their glow traverses the infinite emptiness of space only to at long last become ensnared and woven into the soft strength of each strand, to radiate that light anew.
When I hug you, I realize that if I could, I would freeze time and spend an eternity just holding you in my arms, lovingly caressing your hair and back as your soft gentle weight presses into me, comforting me utterly with the honoring of the full humility of my stark humanity. Feeling your acceptance, and validation and encouraging enrichment through holding you makes me possessed by great sorrow, knowing I must let you go, but it also leaves me with a lasting serenity and pleasure, knowing that within the space of this long lifetime, I somehow have been so unbelievably fortunate as to have been graced by so loving of an embrace. Humans go entire lifetimes without ever experiencing such a wondrous experience, and I treasure it every time it occurs.
You will never owe me anything, nor suffer any binding at my hand, save those of your own choosing. I offer you infinite depths of connection and reassurance amidst the wide world, but I do not seek to contain or cage you. You have a path to walk just as I do, but I would have yours lead back to me each moment that it may. I would cherish and love you all the days of my life, and never would I intentionally overstep your boundaries nor subject you to violence. I would uphold your honor and work to emphasize your grace with my own stature and beauty and power. Such that is granted to me by the space of each moment, anyways. There is great potential for mutual growth and fulfillment between us over the length of a lifetime if we are willing to invest in developing a deeper intertwining of our bodies and our souls. I recognize many limits but no limit to the depths we might explore together. The universe is vast, but perfection abounds from the highest highs to the deepest depths, and as long as I have you nearby, I may envision it and establish it in turn, for the benefit of our family, should you choose to spend your time in my company in a home of our own.
And if your choice is to seek a path that follows a diversion from my own, I will accept it with graceful resignation, wishing you only the utmost happiness for all your days. I may strain to understand how any other might love you with greater ardor than my heart is aflame with, but the cosmos does not revolve around me, and I recognize that there persist many potential partners of greater consideration and so I willingly let go of any claim I might try to lay for your hand. Instead I offer only a blessing, that should the universe favor me at long last, that this letter will not fall astray and will arrive to a welcome reception in the halls of your heart. Should it not, I will sit with contentment, recognizing my own bravery and madness in sending it, and regretting not the choice to seek your fancy.
You are a treasure dearest, and I am a treasure seeker. I covet many gems and beautiful minerals and crystals that this wondrous planet has grown and shaped. But no crystal radiates as you do. No crystal has so beautiful of colors. Nor is as delightfully energizing as you are. I find no greater assurance in any rock or stone than I do holding your hands and being within the sphere of your aura. I have faith that I will become as strong or as harmonious or supportive as ever you might wish me to be, if only were the smile in your eyes to wake me from dreamspace each morning alongside the rays of the sun and so inspire me to greatness.
May this wishful boat of heartfelt intention and deep desire sail gently into the cavernous depths of your being beneath the mountainous wall of the outer bulwark of your defenses, and may it receive safe harborage in the twilight pools of dreams that glow like galaxies in the soft glimmer of crystal-laden caves that house your soul. May it meet there the doorway to your heart, and may it pass over the threshold, to begin anew the conjugation of the universe with itself through the vehicle of our mutual love.
For K,
Who never received it, having chosen another lover.

Hello, as mentioned - I am a 27F looking for more friends, as I don’t really have a lifestyle where I’m constantly outside actively hanging out with people (which I am fine with).
I work a remote job so my socialising level increasing would do me some good.
*You must be somewhere around my age, or older. I’m sorry as the more gen z you are, the more I’m lost in the conversation. *I am also not looking for a relationship.
Please give me a short introduction of yourself too, please.
About me:

• I live in Singapore [GMT+8], I am of mixed heritage.
  
• When I’m not working, I spend time with my cats, I go swimming and/or I am watching or reading anything that tickles my fancy. I make my own hours, and you’ll come to find me struggling to keep a routine sometimes.
  
• I love books, so if you would like to discuss or read together, you will be very fun company! (We can also do this with documentaries/shows too). I can game too, but rarely these days. *I rarely read fantasy. I mostly have been reading non-fiction and I love my occasional novels!
  
• I am an INTJ (though I’ve been typed as a INTP when I was younger..?), people seem interested in that but I’ve also seem to get along quite well with other INTJ/Ps, ENTJs and INFJ/P. So, that’s interesting.
  
• I’ll be as actively present as I can be, I would not ghost you if we decide to be friends. My preferred platform is Discord.
  
• I do not use social media, so do what you will with that information haha.
  
• I come with respect with a dash of goofiness and occasional unintentional aloofness.
  
• I may be a slow texter sometimes but I’m definitely paying attention and I will always be there.
  
• I am not diagnosed and don’t plan on having it checked out but majority of my friends believe I may have ADHD from how my thought process/communication/lifestyle is seen, so I’m just throwing it out there since you may be a potential friend of mine.
  

Edit: I like cooking, so if you do too and want to talk recipes, let’s do it! *While I try to achieve great things, I am aware failures can happen 😅
—-
If you think we get along, great! If you’re think we’re similar, amazing - let’s get connected!
x

We’re told love isn’t love until one’s begging on his knees, and that heartbreak isn’t heartbreak until you’ve lost your mind (Jiao,2015). And some wait for better things to happen and for some-will choose what’s easy at the moment.
It’s our story- my story. At least.
It’s been almost a month since we had the fight that changed the course of our relationship. He hurt me in ways people won’t be able to comprehend especially when you love someone deeply. And days gone by when I would break down and cry every time I go back to that memory. The respect was gone and the emotional abuse sets in.
A week after that painful memory, he asked for forgiveness, that he told me he sought professional help to understand himself and his triggers, and that he wanted to fix things for us. His statements gave me hope. A self-realization made me believe that this is our chance to fix things. So I hold on to that promise of change. Still, I asked him to give me more time to process my feelings. The emotions were too intense and I don’t want to compromise my vision of him just because I can’t let go of that hate. He said he’ll wait for me before we do the reset. He has his own thing going on with work (3-day convention) so the space could give us the time for our own engagements. That’s when we took the space for ourselves.
I went on with my daily life, the boring, uneventful, peaceful part, and I let myself sink in to that feeling. I love and miss him, but I won’t let hate take over that sense of devotion so I let myself diffuse the tension.
4 days passed, I felt the need to go back to start making amends and changes with him. I don’t want to prolong this further. So I wrote him a letter initiating the talk we both need in order to start again. I asked for a private space where we could talk it all out, and I requested him to attend a therapy before we do the talk, that at least to give me some layer of comfort and that he could get more perspective from a neutral person. The next day, he sent me a message stating that he is worried that the space might lead into a breakup and that he is starting to get used to the setup where we didn’t talk at all. I asked him what does he mean when he said “we were both enjoying the space”. He said it was a wrong choice of word and that getting used to us being apart is much more fitting. My heart was wretched but I kept going with the idea that we shouldn’t let allow this to happen.
Days after that, we went back to our old ways, we started talking more, letting each other know our whereabouts and our plans for the weekend. I am a little bit cautious but I am optimistic about us. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings for him didn’t change despite the pain I endured the past weeks (after unrelenting migraines and skin allergies).
Last Friday, he informed me of his plans. It’s the little things that made me feel secured with him. He said he’ll be drinking after going to a workout session. I was reluctant about that plan since our previous fights were caused by his anger under the influence of alcohol. But I reminded him anyway to just drink in moderation.
A little background about us, we both love beers and we went out looking for places to explore beers. Our last trip abroad had us traveling from districts just so we could try their specialties.
And what else do we do for someone out of love? We join them in their passion and experience. Because we are happy when they are happy. Simple as that.
That night, we were just planning to have a short call after his visit to our favorite drinking spot. I’m a little bit hesitant talking to him when he gets drunk and I’m worried that our conversation will lead into escalation of raw unprocessed emotions and frustration (on his end). Lo and behold, we had a conflict. That 39-minute call got me exhausted and disappointed. I felt the need to explain why I got so worried about the drinking.
That now, after that petty fight, we really need to have the talk.
Yesterday, we went on with the plan to talk. His behavior changed. The look of apathy scribbled in his face. He approached me with an impassive demeanor.
“Who is this person?”, I say to myself. I was looking forward into a more emphatic communication, but how can you do that with someone this cold. We are spatially close but somehow, distant.
We stopped by into a cafe. While eating, he told me how he felt those past few weeks of separation. That he felt he has no girlfriend, and that space somehow made him like the freedom. He said it’s a 50/50 urge of fixing things with me and the choice to embrace the life of a bachelor. I was distraught. The person who once promised to fix our relationship suddenly feels completely indifferent about it. Was the promise made only to keep me hanging on a string of hope?
I asked him once more. “Do you still want to fix this? Yes or No.” “Let’s try.” “I asked, Yes or No.” “Yes. Let’s try.” My body froze.
I said my peace, the reason for the space and the eagerness to try again. I told him how love brings out our curiosity towards our partners. We observe them, we learn their quirks, their routines, their needs, wants, wishes and expectations. That love and respect are worth preserving despite conflicts.
Right now he just wanted me to be more present in his life. That he expects nothing more but my time and attention. I asked him to open up some more. That for me, vulnerability makes an opening for love.
Then he said he was good. That he already gets it and that he’s just tired of talking.
That night we agreed into trying again.
One day at a time.
We stayed for a while. My body so heavy from the talk we had. It ended with an agreement, but it looked somewhat disinclined.
As I drove back home, my instinct is telling me it’s not what love should feel like. Am I wrong for feeling the need to process my emotions. Did I made a mistake of asking him space? Why does it feel like I caused the fallout.
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I cried like a big baby to my mom last night. I didn’t tell her what happened but she knows what’s going on with us lately. Her tight hug feels comfort and love. The love I was hoping we could have shared that night.
He messaged me good night. I said my goodnight to him as well, telling myself, “one day at a time”.
What would you do for love? I’ll let you know when it finds us back.

Opening**
A security guard is seen running from foxy the guard runs into Freddy and Bonnie and chica in the dining. Foxy raises his hook and slices the guards arm off and the guard is knocked down. He wakes up in a chair it is a torture chair with sharp saws going to his face he sees a screw and tries to unscrew it doesn't work. The sharp saws go threw his face as his skin and meat and blood scattered on the floor and you see his bone they get cutting so wide the cupcake sees this and bites his meat and eats it.
Scene 1**
Mike wakes up in his bed staring at the clock reading 6:00 AM. He goes to his job as a cashier getting paid 3.29 a hour he is planning to quit but he needs rent money. He sees a guy stealing something so he runs and tries to tell him to give it back but sees a child and he realizes he should let them go because they could be hungry. Mike gets called to his boss. The boss tells Mike you are fired pack up your things or we will call 911. Mike packs up and goes home. He calls number for a job council he finds one. 2 weeks later (4/8/2000).
Scene 2**
Number 27, number 27. Mike realizes he heard his number and goes to a office. Hello my name is Dave Miller I am ur councilor today so what is your deal Mike letting people just go after stealing something is just bad you know that right? said Dave Miller. Mike said I did the right thing mr.Miller. I know but you can't be doing that ok Mr.Michael Schmidt also do you want coffee for ur job. What job? Said Mike. Security at Freddy's said Dave. Mike said how is the pay. Not good but hours are worst said Dave Miller. I will take it ok said Mike. Okay said Dave Miller.
Scene 3**
[1 day later]
I am at Freddy's Mike tells Dave on the phone. Ok remember check the place top to bottom but do not look in the suits said the owner and no parts and service also the owner said Dave. Ok I said Mike. (20 minutes later) I am in my office goodbye said Mike. goodbye said Dave Miller. Mike saw a tape with his name he played it and it was the year 1987 of the tape. Hello and welcome to Freddy fazbear pizza place our wonderful staff will love you and if you cook good so will chica and beware of one thing FUN!!! And remember the animatronics should be taken with care ain't that right Henry said the staff. Yes said Henry. Let's see th- th- video tape ends. Mike hears a call from the phone and answers. Uhm hello hello hello and welcome to Freddy fazbear pizza place it is for fancy and fun come to life and remember do not like do anything bad that would get you an illegal trouble I know I know why am I reading this well our last night girl let's just say was terrible at his job and I mean it just make sure to not do anything bad and hopefully not like the last last last night guard he was a train wreck oh yeah guess what he did on his cameras he wrote he nobody like drew the middle finger on every single camera lens that's all I got to say is don't do that and take my warning animatronics are alive and remember close the door and check the lights I'm not going to tell you again because if you ever mess with them they will harm you or worse the last night card sadly passed away because of a glitch at least that's what we think basically we have to reopen this place so we need another car to clean up it and make sure to keep it clean that's all I have to say goodbye said phone guy. Mike said okay and proceeded to look around the place. And before he knew it it was 6:00 a.m. and he could leave ending his shift for night one.
Scene 4**
Mike drove home and he saw a card taped to his door it said that he could get evicted in the next two weeks or else he would have to pay a lot of rent and if he didn't pay it by that time he would lose his house and be forced to live on the streets. So Mike just went to bed waited for 11:30 so he can drive off to Freddy's and get started with his night. He woke up and it was 11: 37 he was 7 minutes late and it was a 30 minute drive so he's so he went a little over the speed limit for the start of it and then calm her down but luckily he knows on the road or else they could have gotten hurt or even killed and but by the time he slowed down those traffic so he got the place at 12:03 and well he just went to his office and checked on everything and cleaned and made sure nothing bad would happen but he heard a phone call. hello hello oh yeah it is me again I tried giving you that warning the last time but you're not going to take it so I'm going to tell you in the hardest way I can and that is damn electronics will try to forcefully stuff you into a Freddy suit but pretty much saw in your face and pretty much that's what happened to the last guard so just be careful I guess but yeah I'm finishing my last week cuz a matter of fact yeah the last card was the one before mine yeah I don't know I'm calling it your last one but it's a awkward just trust me with this I know you probably say I was crazy last time but I'm going to redeem myself but I'm going to send the VHS tapes the company said not to to prove to you that those animatronics are nothing but bad and they always will be so I recommend you just stop messing with them or else they will mess with you in the most Gory way possible they will make sure they rip you live from when they will make sure you do not survive trust me well that's the end of the call goodbye. I thought the guy was crazy. Mike continued his night and well he got curious and he went by the animatronics they smelled disgusting and he saw a drip of blood fall out Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but cuz he got Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but cuz he Mike just cleaned it up thinking it was just water pipes or something but he got told not to look in the animatronic so he just ignored him and just cleaned he cleaned up the place and finished his night and then he just left thinking that exact drop of blood he realized something was deadly wrong so hey just text again and again and again he couldn't find anything so he heard a knock on the door it was 2:00 a.m. so he didn't care he saw on the cameras it was a police officer her named is Vanessa Mike learned when she told him when he opened the door Vanessa walked in. Mike showed her to her office and he was told about kids went missing in 1987. They never found the bodies. She asked Mike why did you choose this job is this something you think of yourself being at 10-20 years. Mike said no. She told Mike I have to go. Mike said okay cuz it was 5:59 a.m. Mike had to go anyways and he did he went in his car and left and went home and disgust on the phone with his own with the house on her he lives in and they talked about if they can postpone his rent to be later the owner agreed and said we will but if you do this again I will charge you extra.
**Scene 5
It was 7:38 pm and teenagers thought Freddy's place would be a good place to party they went inside and set up everything at 9:54 pm a kid went in the kitchen and saw chica and laughed because he didn't think chica was alive and went by her mouth and chica opened her mouth and peeled his head skin the boy screamed but the speakers where loud. Chica pickled at his meat as she went more and more deep as the cupcake jumped at the boys stomach and ripped his guts and blood on the ground as the blood was gory and one of the girls went to check on him and the cupcake jumped at her biting her face open. One teen went behind the stage with her boyfriend and saw Freddy put his microphone down her throat deep and ripped it out of her neck inside her and he stomped on her face. The boyfriend got scared but Freddy put his arm in his eye holes as he rips his head from there. Another group of friends went in the janitor closet to tell each other the scary horror story of Freddy fazbear pizza place and the light went off and the door opens and closed and the light was back on and they saw Bonnie in there with them as he uses his guitar in one put it in thee boys mouth and putting it out of his back ripping his torso open the teens tried to escape but the doors where locked and bonnie toookk them out one by one. In the dining room foxy ran at them using his hook to kill them slicing there brains out and golden Freddy desposes the bodies.
Scene 6**
Mike went to his office and cleaned the pizza place but phone guy called. Hello hello yeah as you can see I'm back from the call I know you're probably thinking right now and this guy talking about where you found out either way I'm going to help you no matter what even if I am dead right now and probably am I get that because they don't like me they will get to know you and they will like you I will give you hints that I found out on the way they are ghosts children I mean if I was forced to sing songs for decades I would be mad too because that is kind of bad basically no one caught who did I found it out because I'm not dumb and I am actually very smart at least I think but probably not I know exactly will have the bite of 87 happen that's what we call it basically Mike it was dangerous basically this child got bit in the forehead by foxy yeah pretty crazy stuff foxy but the kid raising his suck at him yeah the kid at least yeah the kids did not survive sadly imagine having to write that note to the parents or the parents right now basically they gave him a discount to me that's pretty messed up in the brain like if your child I would you want to do that no I'm not saying that you don't have kids or if you do I don't know anything about you probably know you can be the owner's child right right yeah you probably are knowing your name and that's the same name that's his and he did change his name and it will be new in the public is a start with an s because someone tried leaking the full name I'll ask is if you are him do not try killing me do not be like your father because I found out he's the one and as soon as I get going with this job you know what I'm going to do I'm going to report it to the police station and they're going to find out all the evidence cuz I found the bodies but I didn't remove them because that's disgusting their children dead in the suits I know you I'm guessing you're only doing this because your father told you to let me tell you something why you can stop right now you can at least I mean you were 6 years old when you accidentally killed your brother and dwell changes your name and everything all I ask I don't remember what happened and the year 1983 that's all I have to say goodbye. What Mike said. As he thinks I don't even remember being a child before I was 12. Mike was confused it was 2:00 a.m. he realized Bonnie moved and moved and he got scared Mike right now if his office try to get the exit the exit doors lock so you run back to his office went underneath Bonnie's legs as Barney tried trapping him with his kneecap almost freaking Mike got loose and ran to his office door and closed it and he started realizing phone guy was crazy as he thought Mike knew he was wrong the whole time Mike thought he knew they where not alive but he was wrong bonnie slamed the door trying to get in but left. He closed all doors at 5:00 a.m. and waited it was 6:00 a.m. he left. Mike found Vanessa and told her their alive Vanessa. She said I know they are they are just kids you shouldn't mess with them like do not harm them in any way just quit your job and leave every one you know that is a child out of this place or else they will get dangerously hurt said vanessa mike went to bed.. to be continued next week
Up for part 2

Sorry for the very long post but I would appreciate it if you read it all the way through.
Hey, when I was 8 years old I was diagnosed with auditory dyslexia. To my knowledge now this is considered a separate learning disability called auditory processing disorder? But I do believe if I were rediagnosed today that I would be diagnosed with both dyslexia and APD since I have symptoms of both disorders and it’s very common to have both, but the APD has been more severe and debilitating. At the time of my diagnosis I was in 2nd grade and couldn’t even read 3 letter words. I was living with my mentally ill mother who wouldn’t always take me to school and it was also an environment where academic progression was very difficult. Without trauma dumping or getting in more detail, it got to the point where CPS got involved, so I started living with my godfather, which was a better environment for me to learn. I got diagnosed, so I started speech therapy, after school tutoring and special Ed classes at my school. My school was a choice/charter K-8 school where applicants were randomly chosen to get in. This school would teach up to 3 grades in advance, focus on STEM, and used new experimental teaching methods. Overall it was expected of you to preform above average and we would always perform above average on standardized tests for our school average. I think this is what spawned my inferiority complex/intelligence insecurity. I was around all these kids that were so gifted and I was among the select few that had to attend special Ed, it was so humiliating. I even remember being bullied about it on a few occasions. Fast forward to 5th grade my tutor referred me to get reevaluated at a learning center because of my high performance. After all the testing it was revealed I had a 128 IQ and an 11th grade reading comprehension level and I scored grades above average in every subject. It was such a relief since it meant I didn’t have to do special Ed or tutoring anymore which I found so humiliating. Even after I didn’t have to do any of those programs anymore I still was offered a personalized paraprofessional or extra time on tests which I always refused because I just wanted to be treated the same as everyone else. I never was able to get good grades but I always did exceptionally well on standardized tests. Even when I was in high school. A time where I was addicted to drugs (high 90% of the time ) and failed most my classes I still scored exceptionally well on all my standardized tests besides my ACT, which I scored 1 point below average. Deep down I know I’m not stupid, but i am slow, if that makes sense. For example I loose my place when I’m reading constantly, and have to reread the same sentence up to half a dozen times to understand what it means, which takes a lot of time. Since the ACT is a timed test I think that’s why I didn’t do as well on it. I could’ve probably got extra time on it due to my disability, but do to my insecurity I didn’t want to do that. Anyways to this day I have horrible spelling/grammer, have to proof read everything I type and edit it, even simple texts because it’s always riddled with mistakes. I probably proof read this post 2 dozen times since it’s so long. The symptoms more associated with APD are: stuttering, always mishearing people so my response to them doesn’t make sense, talking very slow and having to think about every word I say, misspeaking, and overall my vocabulary is so bad unless I take the time and effort to think about everything, which is only possible when typing, so when I speak I sound stupid. Anyways all of the listed things i mentioned plus general mistakes I make, make me feel like a dumbass, and it’s hard to feel otherwise. It’s like I cognitively know I’m not stupid but deep down in my heart that’s how I feel. Anyways I’m just wondering how many other people with dyslexia have delt with this same/similar issue? Is there any advice or words that you could give me to help me get over this? Thank you for reading this very long post!❤️

(The letter is long, I know, but I believe it's a nice testimony to how strongly people can love)
I just want to write this down and tell you I love you so much baby. Just the fact I get to call you baby makes me so happy, it reminds me of how you used to hate that and never got why people said it. I don't even remember how it started but now that I get to call you baby, it makes me think that maybe I am truly showing you what love is. That thought makes me happy beyond belief, the thought that I've changed things about you for the better, that I've made you more confident, more comfortable, and even more happy??? God my love that's a feeling I'll cherish forever.
You're always stuck inside my head in the loveliest way possible. Even if you aren't there, my love is still right in my heart and mind the moment I wake up, every second of the day, the moment I fall asleep, and even in my dreams. You're the reason behind why I try and work so hard, so I can better myself and work to make an easy future for you and our family. If I had it my way, you wouldn't have to lift a finger if you so desired and I would happily work as hard as it would take to ensure that. I know I've said it before but I still promise when I graduate, I'll go to a college, I'll work hard and I'll save money so we can raise the family you've always wanted. When I get a good job from my degree, you'll be able to live the life you want and carve whatever path you desire without having to worry about all the things I've taken care of for you. I'm not saying you'll live the easiest life ever because dreams still take hard work, but just know you won't have to worry about the little things, all you'll have to worry about is your goals and ambitions.
All of this because I love you. How could I not love you more than anything when you have such a precious soul <3 You embody beauty and elegance in my eyes. It's no coincidence I'm reminded of you in every flower, every shining star, every colored leaf. You are as beautiful as the nature around us. You are the breeze amidst the heat to me, the melodies of songbirds in the morning. When I hold you, it reminds me of the warmth I feel from a stray piece of sun, cracking through the leaves to gently wrap and embrace my skin. I hope you truly believe deeply and without a doubt in your heart that this is forever. We're not just simply loosely bound as high school lovers, but tied by the soul eternally. I fully believe that if we have past lives, we met and loved through each one. So not only are we bound by this life, but whatever may come after. Even if it's scary to me, I know your presence will find me in some way and all of a sudden, just because you're there, it will all be okay.

here i am at 9:33pm, journaling to occupy myself, knowing that you’re 27 now. last year’s halloween party pops in my mind, the mental instagram reel of us posing together in our costumes. i deleted the picture yet I still remember it, clear as day. my eyes were slightly crossed from alcohol and you were smiling, hard. you told me that i looked fine, just slightly drunk, but i always wondered if you just liked how you looked in it with your broad shoulders in your roommate’s ironic costume idea.
I remember all these things. do you? do you remember the night i attempted to tell you of my mistake, and you kissed me in the dark. the nights we laughed and talked, woke up together, planned our sundays together. it’s as if it was yesterday we were running to Aldi’s to help you with your grocery shopping. When we would make breakfast and binge Kitchen nightmares and Breaking Bad, rushing to get our work done so we could sneak a couple beers in before the night ended to fall asleep in each others arms. do you remember? or do i mean nothing to you now? a stranger, a crazy ex, a story you’ll tell to your next SO someday who’ll scoff and call me a bitch the same way I did with your ex. the night when I sang a childhood song and everyone joined in despite our driver’s anime music playlist. so so many stupid “instagram reels”.
how difficult the days have become pursuing my career when you’re all i can fucking think about. I’m sorry, I’m a girl; it sickens me to have possibly been a source of... entertainment. But I know it’s not like that. I know you care. how pathetic i am at how much time i allowed myself to waste because of how the world seemed to stop and everything felt okay when i looked into your big, beautiful eyes. eyes that looked so innocent and beautiful to me then. the puppy like expression when you’d lay in my lap as i played with your hair, the pleasure of watching the weight of the world leave your shoulders when i massaged them because knowing i could make your day just 0.01% made my world shine just a little bit brighter.
the nights we spent talking Winter Break, the drunk calls you’d unknowingly make because you claimed you missed me. I loved you so stupidly much. the laughing, giggling, the favors you’d do for me. the spot in your bathroom that you somehow let me occupy for whatever reason. the time i got my period and nearly flushed in tears from sharing a traumatic experience, being fascinated by your love for our culture in a way id never seen, your love for houses, cars, real estate. the times you’d show me your emails and let me proofread them with my Nazi grammar. all of it. i fucking miss all of it. every moment. every day. every second. it’s you i can’t get out of my fucking mind. it’s your stupid laugh, that grin, that smile that drove me nuts, i wish i could burn the memories like pieces of paper in the fireplaces. small pieces of paper like the ones i’d use to write you love letters and reminders and hide them under your pillow; god I’m so sorry I smothered you. Know that I am so, so, sorry for everything. the idiotic allergies you’d get for no reason like a nerd, calling me a nerd, the nerdy acne you’d get right around your nose, that fucking one adorable dimple that’d creep out when you’re about to laugh or you’re making a stupid joke. my mind is a fucking hellfire of these stupid memories that i can’t extract. i want my heart to stop breaking every time i see someone at my job doing their fucking rotations. i want my soul back. i want my life back. i want my fucking emotions back. i used to be so happy and bubbly, your friends bullying me for being so naive and i never would’ve imagined you’d be the one to pop my bubble and make me feel so scarred. watching the beautiful moments turn into a living hell and just feeling like a skeleton of the girl i used to be because of the amount of pain you inflicted on me.
I love you.

Psychology awareness and faulting the AI
In this document i will go over and explain important information that i have found through test and trial over MANY years to help better tackle this “AI” with specific things to be aware of and the few ways to cause the V2K to fault. This will not cover the whole program nor will it cover other methods/technologies used by these programs. This will cover some basic knowledge needed to navigate life while dealing with this and the AI chatbot running within the “v2k”. To find information giving an overview of the programs that v2k operates within and other technologies used in tandem with it i will link below a detailed description.
This document is very time sensitive because this information is the only true way to bring the fight to these programs before the programs hit the civilian atmosphere large. There is no way to physically block this technology therefore you need to outthink the AI running it! Sounds easy right? Not really, it takes paying alot of attention and practice. Before getting into how to trick the artificial intelligence there are some things you need to be aware of.
Understanding the basics
Natural language processing (NLP)
The algorithms running these AI chatbots belong to a field of artificial intelligence called Natural Language Processing or NLP for short. Natural Language Processing is a field of AI that enables computers to understand, interpret, and generate human language. It powers applications like language translation, sentiment analysis, chatbots, and speech recognition. These chatbots operate on massive data banks that have been analyzing human thought patterns for years and since they have so much data then it is a fact that they have dealt with people similar to me, you and everyone around us.
Inner monologue
Before starting to practice tricking this AI you need to be familiar with a few things, firstly you need to have an understanding of what your inner monologue is. An inner monologue is the internal voice that narrates our thoughts, reflecting our feelings, ideas, and reactions without vocalizing them. It acts as a silent conversation within our mind, helping us process and organize our thoughts.
Biases
Second you need to be aware of your own biases and how you perceive things, everyone has different biases and perceptions and these algorithms take full advantage of it.
Emotions
The third point here is very important as it concerns emotions, emotions like anger, fear and sadness can trigger knee jerk reactions that can override logical thinking and this will be used as often as they deem necessary BECAUSE it overrides your rational thinking. IE : When gripped by anger you can lash out at someone or something that has nothing to do with your situation, when fear is present the v2k can promise safety in exchange for obedience, when sadness is overwhelming it will provide comfort to make you feel comfortable with it. All of these emotional states can be caused or amplified by the AI to gain an advantage over you.
These pointers should help you gain a small advantage in maintaining stability during these difficult times.
What is v2k?
V2K, or voice-to-skull technology, projects voices directly into your head, bypassing your ears. It can manifest as various personas, such as another individual in your life, the voice of God, an alien, or a fictional character. This technology can modify its voice and tone and intensity to enhance the perceived experience and better suit your situation. These same voices will oftentimes re read your inner monologue milliseconds after you think something to yourself in an effort to add confusion and convince you that it is your conscience. In simple terms : this is a voice in your head that is not yours.
Identify
Reading this you need to be aware that these methods will not work unless you acknowledge through these methods and KNOW that it is in fact not human but AI coded with algorithms, “just a computer program”, “0’s and 1’s”.
Faulting the AI/Algorithm
Method 1
The first method used to find the difference between the AI and a human operator is by finding keywords that it will use often and forcing it to repeat those keywords on purpose via “thinking it” so that it can copy your inner monologue but before finishing the whole word yourself you stop and it will finish it for you, this will be one indicator that it is not human. Finding keywords can be difficult at first if you’re not aware that they exist within the algorithm that runs the AI but once you start to pay attention to everything it says you will find that there are some words that it will use every-time if the conditions are met and ways to force these conditions. These conditions and keywords are unique to each individual so you will have to do your homework and pay attention to what yours are. These algorithms have a SET vocabulary. For instance just imagine you are thinking of doing something that the AI does not want you thinking about in some cases it will tell you “don’t even think about it” or variations of this and it will prompt you to think of something different. You also need to have some intention to perform this action you are thinking about or it will not trigger. for example, for some people it could be thinking of and wanting to engage in certain behaviors like smoking, drinking, doing drugs, being aggressive, talking to someone in specific that they don’t want you talking to among many things that it wants you to avoid. It will be clear that it doesn’t want you to do and think these things. This is just one of the ways to force it to use key words and phrases and will take plenty of paying attention. I suggest keeping track of the conversations by writing them down.
Method 2
The second of these methods consists of repeating certain letters or sounds with your inner monologue like “tttttttttt” or “mmmmmmmmm” and this will also trigger it to continue for a short period after you stop and allow you to acknowledge the AI as it re reads your inner monologue to you but your brain is quicker at stopping then the AI giving you about a second to acknowledge it. Using “shhhhhhh” is one of the better sounds as it will somehwat silence the v2k and give you a break on the chatbot rereading your thoughts.
Method 3
The third of these methods will require you to use rhetorical questions or questions with no real answer when in conversation with the AI, questions like : does a bear shit in the woods? What colour has the best personality? Theres are sarcastic in nature but can have multiple answers or no answers at all, this will cause the AI to stop speaking for a short period of time and likely cause it to throw a keyword or phrase at you OR an operator to take over because this is something that doesn’t make sense and is very difficult for an algorithm to make sense of something that doesn’t.
Method 4
Fourth method is input starvation. You need to think of “nothing”, no thoughts so nothing for the algorithm to react or answer to. The best way to do this is to force the thought of a black empty space in your mind. This is the easiest of all methods but requires the most attention and practice.
Putting these techniques together can make a big difference when dealing with the voice to skull BUT this is merely a fraction of what you need to pay attention to if you want to stand a chance at defeating this technology. Once you start to acknowledge that this is just an algorithm and not human through these methods you will begin to encounter human operators and here is yet another part that takes practice and will ultimately take up alot of time. Once you begin to fault this AI and acknowledge that it is in fact just an algorithm this will set off an “alarm” which on their end is like a notification telling them that you’ve broken through the algorithms and are starting to understand how things work.
Once you have mastered these things you will find yourself in much more control of your situation and life as this will help you realize that these technologies should have NO bearing on reality.
I will continue writing another document on how to deal with the human operators
Below i will link my first document outlining what my findings have produced about these programs and other technologies used within them, mind you there is missing information but it will help give you an idea.
https://www.reddit.comkeyword-exactly/s/dnvuQu64DX - my findings on v2k, directed energy weapons

I (29F) have a tumultuous relationship with my dad. He didn't take part in raising me since he and my mom divorced when I was 2 and we moved away, but we've been in and out of contact my whole life. He would send letters and then move, change his number, set up visits to us and never show up, quit paying child support, etc. We've talked on and off throughout the years but it always ends in arguments.
I can be pretty subborn and argumentative, so I don't tend to let things go if I don't feel like I have closure. This is where I'm starting to feel like the asshole. A few years ago in the Fall, I got pregnant and was stoked. I told him the news after being out of contact with him, and he was very excited too and booked a trip to come visit me around Christmas. Unfortunately, it was an extremely rough pregnancy for me. I got hyperemisis, lost 20 pounds, and had a miscarriage. I miscarried about a month before he was scheduled to come visit.
When I told him the news, he seemed sad at first, but then he stopped talking to me for about a week. About a week after I told him, he cancelled his trip to visit, saying he had Covid. (The trip wasn't for another 4 weeks, so I was confused but didn't push it). When the time for him to visit rolled around and I hadn't heard from him much, I saw him partying with his new girlfriend at a bar. I got extremely upset and blocked him on everything without saying a word to him. My miscarriage was also complicated and I had to have two surgeries to avoid getting sepsis. The whole thing was incredibly traumatic, and I was very hurt by him not showing up.
Fastforward to today, I've established contact with him again. He reached out to me on LinkedIn of all places, so I got worried something was up. Nothing was up, he just wanted to talk. He didn't ask how I was doing, he didn't ask if I'm okay, he just wanted to "talk to his daughter". We made small talk over a few weeks until he brough up my miscarriage off-handedly and I kind of went off on him.
He keeps saying he can't fix the past and he made mistakes, and he also tells me he was working a lot and that he had it really rough. He keeps saying he doesn't want to argue and he just wants to talk to his daughter, and that makes me feel a bit bad.
My dad has also told me that I am an asshole and no explanation he gives me will ever be good enough for me. Am I the asshole for refusing to forgive my dad for abandoning me?

I’m looking for some advice on where to start and how to go about filing my taxes for 2021. Due to several life stressors and not knowing how to go about filing my taxes that year, I kept putting it off and then forgot. I’m a physician, and in 2021 I got a new job as an independent contractor doing travel wound care work. This was my first time working as an independent contractor, and so I was unfamiliar with how different income taxes worked (e.g. making quarterly estimated taxes, etc.). I think I had made maybe a $1500 payment at some point that year. I had completely forgotten about this until last week when I received a letter from the State of California Filing Enforcement requesting a copy of my 2021 return.
I’m just a little lost on how to even get started with this. My total “nonemployee compensation” that year was $76,360.11. Would hiring an accountant be the best option at this point? Or would this be something easy to do using TurboTax? I just want to make sure that I’m able to correctly apply all of the deductions which include mostly travel costs (I had a lot of driving with that job) and maybe a home office deduction. Do I need to file any sort of extension? And what sort of penalties/fines will I likely be facing?

I will not be specific as I want to remain anonymous out of fear of this being discovered by whoever is mentioned here.
As of right now, I am an autistic high schooler (with potential/undiagnosed BPD) being forced to take band and marching band by my parents. I have all A's and a perfect GPA of 4. Don't get me wrong, my parent and their current romantic partner are fine. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. The thing is, doing band has made me miserable and I can't quit, but I don't know if it's my fault or theirs.
Right now, I am unable to quit either of these programs because my parent and their partner (I'll call them P1 and P2) literally overlook the entire program. P1 is the band director and partner. P2 is the colorguard director and my bio parent.
I've been forced to do marching band since I was 8. It's an understatement to say that I hate it. The people there are fine. It's playing the instrument and performing that really ticks me off.
I've been forced to do band class itself since 6th grade (during COVID times, you can imagine how that turned out, right?) I still hate it. In 8th, I managed to convince a legal guardian of mine to not make me sign up for band class. When I broke the news, P2 accused me and LG of "conspiring against them." But, in all honesty, after marching season was done that year, the rest of the school year was absolute bliss for me. I got work done so much faster because I never had to worry about music. I did so many personal projects on top of all my school work which I always finished in class. I made more friends not doing band. I felt so good.
Fast forward to now and I dread the upcoming HS years with a burning passion. I don't even get a full summer break as band camp stretches all through July to the beginning of school in August. 9am to 4pm days of nothing but music, and I loathe it. Playing music is my kryptonite. It's the one subject I can't wrap my head around. Math? Easy. Reading? Even easier. Hell, I'd rather write a 5 page essay every week rather than attend band camp. It just doesn't click for me like other subjects.
But my reasons fall on deaf ears. To quote P2 "You like listening to music, playing it shouldn't be any different!" (Yes, they said that. Yes, it's as stupid as it sounds.)
P2's reason of forcing me into band programs is still unclear to me. If it's because I'm a hermit, I made friends in literally any other place than the band room. In fact, I feel more ignored there even when I try to participate in conversation. With every other student, P1 is oh so friendly, laughs with them, and whatnot. But when I open my mouth all I get is a "yeah" or "ok" before they turn around and talk to the other students (which are all mostly cishet white males with the exception of two people.) I honestly just started to shut my mouth again after that. It's also not fun living with that same person.
If their reason was because band could get me a good education, I'm completely capable of that on my own. Like I said, I have a perfect GPA of 4. I'm certain I can do almost anything. And yes, there are a multitude of things I would absolutely persue if band didn't take up my time. Art is my specialty. I've been practicing since a very young age and I've become quite decent at it. Writing is another passion. If neither of those work out, I want to do Psychology, science, or learn computer science, coding, and game design.
At this point I'm directed to think P1 is forcing this onto my because my older sibling also did band, but we're two completely different people. I'm not made for band.
If anything, it stresses me out more. It takes me weeks, at worst a month to even learn the music I'm presented with, and most of that time is spent procrastinating because I really can't bring myself to do it. If it has notes, I have to write each letter down or else I'll never ever learn it.
I feel like I'm justified for hating this program the way I do, but I can't tell if I do or if it's just my attitude. Am I in the wrong? If I'm not, what do I do in a situation like this? Telling a counselor most likely wouldn't help because is most likely they won't do anything because of P1, and it's not like the drama will end when I go home. I'll most likely get betrayed by P2 (and I've had enough of that for a lifetime.)
AITAH?

I (29F) was in a 7/8month relationship last year and I'm just trying to process what the heck happened bc he (25M) made it seem like I'm the asshole and I'd like to know if I am, so I can work on it and not carry it over to future relationships.
It started with a reckless night. I'm studying overseas and he and I met on a d&d discord server. He happened to live where I was going so we planned to meet and he offered to help me with my first day of getting stuff done. We'd been close friends by the 5th month of me being there. I had just ended an online relationship that was overwhelming me and my family was coming to visit so I took him on a fancy night out where I paid as like a thank you in advance for driving me and my family around when they visit thing. After dinner we went to his place and I - now recognise as mistakenly - allowed uh intimate activity bc I was vulnerable and he made the first move. And it just kept happening.
Eventually, he started to ask for more despite me saying that I didn't think I was ready for a relationship. And he pulled out an ultimatum - relationship or nothing. I was torn bc at that point he was my best friend, my closest friend, in a country where I had no family. So I gave in and agreed. He said I have to be willing to do the work on myself and our relationship bc I have a lot of issues. So I promised that I would put in the effort to work on myself and be better.
Now in retrospect, I recognize I was afraid of being abandoned. But at the time, I thought myself in love, and that he cared about my wellbeing so deeply. I mean, he did spend hours listening to me talk about all the pain and trauma I'd experienced. So he must have truly wanted me to heal.
But once we got together, we stopped going on dates. We'd hang out at his place, occasionally meet his friends. I usually didn't go out bc I'm more of a homebody - I enjoyed my private space and doing my solo things. Then things started to bother me.
Like the state of his home - you could barely see the floor, the kitchen was a disaster area. And he didn't even have a proper bed. But I'd acquiesce and make a random comment (not often, just sporadically).
I personally just don't drink bc I don't enjoy it like most people do and I don't enjoy taking care of people who are super drunk (I'll do it anyway bc no one else does it but it actually really bothers me and I kinda hate it)
I like PDA but I don't like extreme proclamations back to back to back.
My ex used to get drunk around his friends and throw affection my way. He had no control over his liquor and every 5 mins would yell out that he loves me. Then he'd get very clingy bc I get uncomfortable in big groups sometimes and I try to hide or get some space. I don't like being touched or kissed by someone who's drunk (or when I'm pissed at someone) and that always bothered him. The overaffection was just overwhelming and he had a body odour thing every time he drank which just made it worse bc my nose is sensitive. It just brewed like a sense of resentment bc I'd communicate it to him and he'd just claim I'm trying to control him but honestly, I'm just trying to tell you that it doesn't make me feel good and maybe it can be a thing you do without me around.
And everything started piling up and I was pissed but I wasn't ready to talk about it bc I know I was overwhelmed and I just needed to sort through the things to try and give myself perspective and decide if I was overreacting or if I had legitimate things to be mad about. But he kept badgering me over and over and over while I was still mad. And I tried to not explode (successfully) but he started getting mad at me when I had explicitly told him I'm not ready to talk about it.
(I can't remember specifically what happened after, but we had a big fight. A very big fight. And he wanted to pull the plug. All because I wasn't ready to talk about it bc I didn't want to fight over what could potentially be nothing)
Eventually, he forgave me when I apologized for... well I don't remember what I apologized for. And we were good. I made sure to cook food that he could pack and take to work if he was staying over. Helped him plan some finances. We talked about how the next year or so would go. I had a little mental health struggle but he urged me to see a doctor and such and asked me to get on birth control.
There was then, an incident, totally not his fault. We both got carried away. I had to be celibate for a month and we got heated and when he almost broke the celibacy, I had a breakdown. I didnt know that would be a trigger, but he went on a shame spiral and started getting upset with himself so I consoled him. And we were okay. Didn't really speak about it again after that.
He had arranged for me to join an in person d&d campaign with his friends and I had a hard time keeping up bc I had classes and assignments so I had to miss a few sessions. When I got there and played a session, I did something wrong and everyone - including him - were upset with me. I apologised for it and said I wouldn't repeat that. Two weeks later, we had the next session and his friends kept making comments about the previous session throughout the 4 hours we were playing and... it started to get to me. I lashed out and told them to build a bridge and get over it.
When my ex was dropping me home, I expressed that I didn't like being treated like that, my friends don't do that to me. And he got mad at me bc he said and I quote "You're not taking responsibility for what you did. They've made fun of so many embarrassing things I've done, you don't see me getting affected by it". I didnt immediately respond (also bc I don't remember what I said) I do remember thinking "You can accept that kind of abuse from your friends if you want to, it doesn't mean I have to". When I got out of the car, I just said I am upset but I love you and I'm really tired. I didnt give him a kiss that night.
(For context, that was a Friday night. He had spent the entire week at my place bc he was sick and didn't want to be alone so I was taking care of him and feeding him)
On Saturday (3 days before my lease ended and we'd agreed I would move in with him temporarily), he asked how my house hunting was going. I told him the market is crappy rn and I can't find a decent place but I'm trying to. He said you really need to focus on that right now. I told him I am and I'll update you if there's a place, I love you. And he couldn't say it back so he said we need to talk.
He said I told many small white lies (example: I cut my finger, I ask for a tissue - bc bleeding - he asks if I'm bleeding, I say no) and it was overwhelming him and exhausting him. He said he knew its bc of how I grew up but he had mentioned it before (I don't remember if he did but he could have and I forgot) and I didn't work on it like I was supposed to.
He said ( based on the argument on Friday about the d&d game ) that I didn't take accountability for my actions and he couldn't trust me bc it showed that I was an untrustworthy person.
I said let's sit together and talk about this, these are things I can work on, we can tackle them as a couple and talk through them.
He then said I just don't love you anymore. I've talked to my family and friends and I think I mistook what I felt for you and thought it was love.
I tried to fight for him but I knew that I can't make someone love me so I was heartbroken, almost homeless (if not for some friends that had a spare room) and I had an exam in 2 weeks.
He said there's no good time to break up with someone and I didnt wanna drag it out (which I suppose was his form of mercy)
Its taken a year to process... for me bc he blocked me from everything after I returned his stuff. And it made me feel like the asshole? Then I rationalised that I did everything I possibly could, but did I? Maybe I didn't address his needs well enough? Maybe I didn't listen to his concerns enough? Maybe there's more I could have done to make him feel secure or sure? Maybe I was too headstrong and it overshadowed him?
I keep going round and round about it in my head. My therapist says it wasn't a loving and caring relationship. But like I remember a time when it was? But I also remember feeling so exhausted by it. Was it my fault? Am I the asshole? What could I have done better?

My (now ex) partner (20nb) and I (20f) were reluctantly trying long distance during my study abroad summer program, but have just recently broken up due to miscommunications about my actions trying out being a model on an online site.
Originally, my partner was insistent against long distance at all but I slowly won them over. I was really happy just to try this, because I really love my partner and didnt want to lose them. However, I was often very confused with the status of what was going on between us. Things alternated between being okay and not being okay, though I noticed they often werent satisfied with our relationship for more than a couple days at a time. I long distance was really hard for them, and although I sent gifts and letters and we called often it did not seemed to still fulfill them the way it did me.
Before I left, we had discussed trying out a adult site together because my friends were trying it out and having a lot of success. We didnt have time to actually try out the site together before I left, so I decided to try it out on my own, and I made sure to update my partner when I was working and that it was going good.
I made some big mistakes in that I thought them and I were on the same page about the work, especially since I thought that since we would do it together, it would be a similar situation for me to go about it alone for the purpose of some extra cash and trying something new. Things all the sudden got really bad when I voluntarily shared a detail about a member interaction, I stupidly had been picturing that they knew exactly what the situation was or did not mind since I was never trying to hide anything, and I had never imagined this would hurt them or break us up.
I can imagine how foolish I must seem in the communication I have lacked here. I really love my partner and I am devastated that I have hurt them so much. I have never been in a long distance relationship and had never before had a reason to even imagine a a person to make long distance relationship worth it.
We were supposed to meet up on a trip in two weeks and they have expressed that they still want to, although as only friends and they do not want me to think of it as anything romantic. I expressed that although this will most likely be extremely difficult for me, I obviously still want to go see them.
I acknowledge and take full responsibility for my behavior, Id like to know anyones advice on what might be the best thing to do in this situation. It often takes me an extremely long time to move on from breakups and Ive never loved anyone in this way. They have expressed that time heals everything and that I am can pursue them until maybe I will win them over, but that Ive hurt them very much.
I basically know that I just have to wait, but it is so hard for me to think about anything else. We are so opposite in so many ways which made things hard, but we made each other so happy and we took care of each other, especially when we could be physically in each others presence. If anyone has thoughts on anything I can do to help make this right, please please share.
Thank you everyone

***Throwaway. Not sure if this letter belongs here, but I really need to get this out somewhere. We're currently only a month into NC and I can't handle not being able to send this to her. But, I want to respect her space and will wait until she is ready. anyway, here it is:
I want to begin by stating that the sole purpose of this letter is to take responsibility of all my actions in our relationship, something I couldn't do while we were together due to my immaturity and lack of awareness. I did not take responsibility for anything. I planned on keeping this in my drafts and not sending it. I was afraid of how you would react to this. I'm not anticipating a response from you, I simply want to express this to you because it's long overdue. I never had the chance to sincerely and completely apologize for how I exploited your trust, compassion, and love.
at the 2 year mark of our relationship I started to become manipulative, insecure, needy, immature, and I stonewalled in our arguments/disagreements constantly. I broke down, withdrew from what was going on and tried to avoid it by not communicating back to you, which put a lot of damage on us and especially you as a person overtime. I never made you feel heard. Only now I see how much it has wounded you emotionally and, I truly never intended to cause you such distress. I was completely unaware of how disgusting everything I was saying and doing to you was. It was only after you left that I finally saw the full result of my own actions. While I should have been building you up I was doing the complete opposite. I got jealous over things you never did and that was a reflection of how insecure I was about myself. All you did was try to show me love and compassion every single day and I took advantage of it. How I handled our relationship was completely horrible and I truly regret doing that to you.
I am sorry for the numerous times that I manipulated you into not doing something for our relationship, when in reality it was for my own selfish reasons. Who do I think I am? No person should have control over another person and what they can do or not do in a relationship. I made you sacrifice your happiness and sanity for mine. I selfishly prioritized my own version of happiness and completely rejected your desires and needs. My actions were the result of my insecurities, traumas, and fears, which I deeply regret projecting onto you and I am so sorry for doing so. I am finally seeking the help I need to address these underlying issues. You told me time after time to work on it and I always failed to do so.
if you ever find yourself blaming yourself for anything that has happened in our relationship, please don't. Everything was completely my fault and I could’ve handled our situations more maturely. I had the inability to do what I said I was going to do; by not focusing on the inner work necessary to grow as a person and becoming a healthier partner. I look back at who I was, and I don’t recognize that person at all. I see an immature and childish boy who lost himself, grew complacent and went back to his high school mentality. I remember you saying something related to “i have no self confidence” or something like that and in that moment it was so low that I got offended by it. WHAT A WUSS. I was ignorant about my own issues and didn’t have the courage to do the inner work necessary to grow and as a result I continued to lash out at you or blame my past for the way I am. I couldn't stand myself or look in the mirror and face the person I was; I constantly questioned you and made you feel no trust from my end because I was so insecure within myself.
You were the first person in my life to ever show me what true affection felt like. I have never ever felt anything close to how you made me feel ever since the first night we met. you saw me in a way that no other person could and it felt like you always managed to see the good in me. As Zach Bryan says in his song, "the only bad you've ever done, was to see the good in me." It hits harder now. The day I lost you is the day I finally realized that I pushed you over the edge and I have no idea how I could do that to such an amazing and loving person like yourself. It was only then, that I decided to take action, and actually put in the work to be a healthier and loving partner. I became to comfortable with the fact that I would never lose you. I truly fckn regret it. I don't forgive myself for the way I acted and handled things in the relationship, but I'm growing and learning from the mistakes I made to be a more mature and loving partner. I'm sorry it took all that pain for me to take action.
I refused to respect the boundaries you were giving to me. I didn't listen to the hints you made and didn’t realize that it was something you wanted and needed from me. I overlooked it because again, I wasn’t aware of anything. I completely understand why you are so pissed off and possibly over me. I am ashamed of the way I have behaved in this relationship. no person should have to put up with that AT ALL. I understand an apology alone cannot undo the damage I have done, but I want you to know that I'm committed to making amends, if the opportunity to prove myself ever arises. But, after everything I've done, I don't know if that is or will ever be possible for you.
I just wanted to say thank you for forcing me to rebuild and becoming a better version of myself. you made me want to be more in tune and aware from within. I became so unattractive in your eyes and I know you couldn't stand who I turned into. I grew complacent and lost that happy, loving person you fell in love with. I'm not expecting you to stay as a friend or take me back as a partner. I now completely understand how badly I took advantage of your time and love throughout our relationship. no matter what happens, just know I love you with everything in me and always will, no matter what happens between us. You will always have a special place in my heart until that casket drops.
I'm truly, TRULY, sorry for giving you such an unhealthy commitment for the time we’ve been together.
B.

Hello, I hope you're having a good time! I'm looking for someone whom I can have conversations with in the long term but if you want to have a short conversation, that's okay as well. Who knows if we get along well and end up being in touch for years? I prefer talking to people within the age range of 18–25 as I have talked to older people all my life but it's fine if you're a bit older than the specified range.
Please read the post entirely before you decide to send a chat request or message. It will take about five minutes or more depending on your reading speed. You may skip this post if you can't bother reading it. This is only for people who love reading and typing lengthy messages, because that's the only way we can communicate with each other when we don't get enough time to have real-time conversations. I am mentioning this only to save your time; I don't mean to come off as rude. The messages I send can be way longer than this post if we happen to click, and people who can't read the post entirely won't bother reading my messages properly either, and that would be a waste of time and energy for both individuals. You might have seen my posts very often in case you visit this subreddit on a regular basis, but I assure you that I only post so frequently because I don't receive any responses—and when I do, they're from people who either can't hold a conversation for long or message me without reading the post at all.
A bit about me:
I'm interested in all types of visual and aural arts. Writing, drawing, listening and composing music, watching movies and photography (I'm an amateur though) are my interests and hobbies. I'm broke so I'm not a gamer. I do have a fairly powerful PC but with a low-end graphics card I play older games on. Nothing online though.
Speaking of music, I'm mostly interested in Jazz, Funk, Hip-Hop, R&B/Soul (both classic and modern). I like listening to The Weeknd, Prince, Michael Jackson, Bruno Mars, Sade, Aaliyah, The Isley Brothers and various artists from the 70s to late 2000s generally. I'm a movie buff so I can recommend you movies too if you're looking for something to watch. And yeah, I LOVE MEMES! Keep sending them all day and I won't complain!
I'm an ambivert (more of an introvert though). My MBTI is INFP-T if that matters. I'm looking for people who are willing to share the events which occur in everyday life, joy and sorrow, secrets, deepest fears, and build a genuine connection over the course of time. I'll be there for you throughout the good and bad times; I expect the same from you too. I am active on most social media platforms. We can move on to other platforms once you feel comfortable with me.
Now here's the important stuff:
I would appreciate it if you don't just send me a "Hi/Hello/Hey." Introduce yourself; the longer the introduction is, the better. Makes room for questions. Instead of simply stating that you like movies/music, mention what genres you prefer. Makes the conversation more interesting. Please put effort into maintaining the conversation. Ask plenty of questions with the data I have provided in this post so I know that you're actually interested in getting to know me as well rather than simply talking about yourself. I feel like an interviewer if the conversation is one-sided. Don't bother messaging me if you're not naturally inquisitive and just want to talk about yourself all the time. I won't respond to any short messages (4-8 lines). If you want to leave, don't ghost me without stating a reason if we've been talking for longer than two weeks. Just tell me that we can't get along if you think the conversation isn't going anywhere. I won't get offended.
Your gender, race, sexuality don't matter at all, but tell me your age and gender just so that I know who I am talking to and follow social etiquette. I absolutely love lengthy messages; I don't feel overwhelmed by them. So bonus points if you're capable of typing lengthy messages. I'm a person who would spend an hour(s) typing a well-thought lengthy message rather than having small talk in real time. I type as if I'm writing a letter. I can chat in real time as well, it's just that I don't get much time throughout the day and I'm active at odd hours. And time zones exist, unfortunately. Short messages or long messages, the amount of time and energy you have to spend will be the same anyway.
Please don't message me if you're just looking for people to kill your boredom and later abandon them. No, I'm not being rude. I have had enough. Those one word or one sentence responses lead nowhere. Also, if you're someone who wishes to stay anonymous forever even after talking for a considerable amount of time, I'm not the person you're looking for. This is an important thing to keep in mind. I am open to revealing my identity if we get along well so I would appreciate it if you're open minded as well. But that doesn't mean I want you to reveal your identity in the very beginning itself. However, I won't wait more than three months just for you to reveal your identity if we communicate regularly. In fact, it's a great feat to converse for longer than a month on the internet. I personally think that anonymity acts as a barrier in any kind of relationship. I would love to meet you in real life at some point in the future if we get along and stay in touch for a considerable amount of time.
In the past 12 years, I have talked to several people around the globe on different platforms who wished to stay anonymous. I had conversations with them for months and years, but they always considered me as a stranger and eventually left. I'm tired of being a disposable person. What's the point of having a friend without a name and a face? I have no reason to trust someone who doesn't trust me. You can call me picky; I indeed am. I don't want to have conversations where both parties only ask each other about hobbies and interests and leave once they feel there's nothing in common. That's the reason why I asked you to cover those topics when introducing yourself. And just because I have already talked about my interests and hobbies doesn't mean there's nothing more to know about me. Human connection is a lot more than mere interests and hobbies.
I would love to interact with someone who doesn't treat me like an AI chatbot and acknowledges the fact that I'm an actual human being with feelings and emotions beyond the digital screen who spends his valuable time and energy to communicate with people—precious time and energy that I'll never be able to get back. I understand that these connections over the internet are very fragile and I can't control things the way I want so if you're interested feel free to send me a message anyway. I enjoy having conversations with people even if only for a while. Sometimes people you expect to be in touch for years leave you while the ones you don't expect to be in touch for long end up staying for a long time. Nothing is set in stone. All I ask you is to not leave without notifying me. Yes, I know whatever I have expressed so far sounds contradictory, but that's how life works, right? Reminds me of this quote by Japanese author Haruki Murakami:
"Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person's essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?"
While I agree with the fact that it's not possible to get to know a person entirely, I think connecting with another human being is a beautiful experience in itself. In the end, we are just lost souls yearning for human connection; searching for people who will provide attention and affection and accept us as we are. If you're still reading this, it means you are a good listener and reader. Message me if we have similar interests or ideals and if you think we can be potential friends. It doesn't really matter whether we have similar interests or not though, I would love to have you as a friend.
There's a lot more to learn about me but I would rather tell you all that when we begin interacting with each rather than typing it all here. Feel free to ask me any questions. I'm open to having a conversation with people around the globe any time. I'm also very patient so I don't mind waiting for weeks or a month if the messages are lengthy. I understand that you might find all of this intimidating, but there's nothing about me to be afraid of. My messages can be lengthy, but only if you reciprocate my efforts and keep on adding stuff to the text. I know that this post sounds like a contract. I know I sound very serious but that's not entirely true. In fact, I can crack jokes sooo bad that will make you laugh. Thank you for spending your precious time reading this post. What are you waiting for? Text me right now! Feel free to message me even if you're seeing this several hours or days later.
Have a nice day/night and I hope you find someone to develop a strong bond with in case I'm not the person you're looking for. Take care of yourself and always stay hydrated!

https://www.northumbriangames.com/post/of-orcs-and-ai

Made vs. Created and the Nature of Orcs

J.R.R. Tolkien's stories are deeply rooted in Thomistic metaphysics and Christian theology, where the distinction between "made" and "created" is pivotal. This distinction underscores the nature of goodness, creation, corruption, and the intrinsic limitations of evil. The dichotomy between making and creating is most vividly illustrated through the origins and nature of orcs, the monstrous foot soldiers of Middle-earth's dark lords.

Creation: The Divine Act

In Tolkien's world, true creation, or creatio ex nihilo (creation from nothing), is the exclusive province of Eru Ilúvatar, the supreme deity. This act of creation involves bringing something into existence that possesses the Flame Imperishable (or the Secret Fire), which grants true life, free will, and inherent goodness. Beings created by Eru Ilúvatar, such as the Ainur (angelic beings), elves, and men, are imbued with this divine spark, making them fundamentally good and capable of independent existence and moral choice.
From The Silmarillion:

"Therefore Ilúvatar may not only send forth the Flame Imperishable into the Void, but he may also bestow it to others, who may then sub-create, though only as permitted by Ilúvatar"​​.

Making: The Act of Sub-creation

In contrast, the Valar and other beings can engage in making or sub-creation, which involves shaping or manipulating pre-existing matter. They cannot infuse these creations with the Flame Imperishable. A notable example is Aulë, one of the Valar, who crafted the Dwarves. Initially, these beings were mere automatons, moving only according to Aulë's thoughts. It was only when Eru Ilúvatar chose to bestow them with the Flame Imperishable that the Dwarves gained true life and independence. This story illustrates the fundamental difference between divine creation and sub-creation: the former grants true life and free will, while the latter lacks these essential qualities until blessed by Eru. Tolkien clarifies this distinction in his letters:

"They [the Valar] shared in [the World’s] 'making'—but only on the same terms as we 'make' a work of art or story. The realization of it, the gift to it of a created reality of the same grade as their own, was the act of the One God"​​.

Orcs: The Corruption of Creation

The origin of orcs in Tolkien’s mythos serves as a poignant example of the difference between making and creating. According to various writings, orcs were not created by Morgoth or Sauron but were made by corrupting pre-existing beings. In "The Silmarillion," it is suggested that orcs were originally elves who were captured, tortured, and perverted by Morgoth's malevolent influence. This corruption transformed them into beings of evil, stripped of their original grace and beauty. In Morgoth's Ring we find:

"It became clear in time that undoubted Men could under the domination of Morgoth or his agents in a few generations be reduced almost to the Orc-level of mind and habits; and then they would or could be made to mate with Orcs, producing new breeds, often larger and more cunning. There is no doubt that long afterwards, in the Third Age, Saruman rediscovered this, or learned of it in lore, and in his lust for mastery committed this, his wickedest deed: the interbreeding of Orcs and Men, producing both Men-orcs large and cunning, and Orc-men treacherous and vile."​​.

Tolkien emphasizes that orcs, though rational and capable of independent thought, lack the divine spark of the Flame Imperishable. This absence signifies that while Morgoth could mar and twist the creations of Eru, he could not create life himself. In Flame Imperishable, Tolkien is quoted as saying:

"Treebeard does not say that the Dark Lord 'created' Trolls and Orcs. He says he 'made' them in counterfeit of certain creatures pre-existing. There is, to me, a wide gulf between the two statements"​​.

Essence
Elves: Created with inherent goodness and free will. Their essence is tied to beauty, longevity, and a deep connection to nature and creation.
Men: Created with inherent goodness and free will. Their essence includes mortality, adaptability, and a dynamic nature.
Orcs: Originally, corrupted elves or men, or made from slime and heat, the essence has been radically distorted and corrupted by evil. Their essence now reflects malevolence, subservience, and a perversion of their original nature.
Existence
Elves: Given existence by Eru Ilúvatar, independent and autonomous. Their being is fully realized with a true purpose aligned with their essence.
Men: Given existence by Eru Ilúvatar, independent and autonomous. Their being is dynamic, capable of growth, and change, and is fully realized.
Orcs: Their existence is subjugated to the will of their corrupt masters (Morgoth or Sauron). While they have real, physical existence, it is dependent on the malevolent forces that control them.
Autonomy
Elves: High degree of moral autonomy, capable of making independent choices and pursuing their own paths.
Men: High degree of moral autonomy, capable of making independent choices and pursuing their own paths.
Orcs: Almost entirely controlled by their evil masters, reflecting their corrupted essence and dependent existence.
Connection to Eru
Elves: Directly created by Eru with the Flame Imperishable, giving them true life and free will.
Men: Directly created by Eru with the Flame Imperishable, giving them true life and free will.
Orcs: Not created by Eru but rather made by corrupting pre-existing beings or materials. They lack the Flame Imperishable, highlighting their dependent and perverted nature.
Philosophical Implication
Elves: Represent the ideal of Tolkien's metaphysical and theological views, embodying true creation and the perfect blend of essence and existence.
Men: Embody the dynamic and adaptable nature of true creation with a perfect blend of essence and existence, according to Aquinas's philosophy.
Orcs: Serve as an example of how essence and existence can be corrupted and diminished by evil. Their existence is real but heavily dependent and perverted, lacking true autonomy and the Flame Imperishable.

Philosophical and Theological Implications

The distinction between made and created has profound implications in Tolkien’s universe. It aligns with Christian theology, reflecting the belief in a singular, omnipotent Creator who alone can grant true life. This distinction underscores the inherent limitations of evil: it is parasitic, relying on the corruption of what is good rather than generating new existence.
Orcs epitomize this concept. They are beings made through corruption, reflecting the perversion of creation. Their existence as fundamentally corrupted creatures illustrates the limits of Morgoth’s and Sauron’s power. They can induce suffering and manipulate life, but they cannot originate a true life that burns with the Flame Imperishable. This underscores a central theme in Tolkien’s works: the resilience of good and the ultimate impotence of evil to truly create.

On Artificial Intelligence

This leads us to Artificial Intelligence. Modern large language models (LLMs) and artificial intelligence systems, despite their sophisticated capabilities, are constructs without true volition or understanding. Basically, an LLM is an advanced version of autocomplete. These systems operate on vast datasets and algorithms designed to predict and generate human-like text (or audio or images), but they lack genuine consciousness, intent, and moral agency. Unlike beings created with the divine spark in Tolkien's world, LLMs do not possess free will or intrinsic purpose; they are tools made by humans to process and mimic patterns. Some commentators have even referred to AI as an alien intelligence, a ~shoggoth with a human face~, meaning that while the text may look humanlike, in reality, it originated not from a human but from an unknowable, formless alien process, which is the LLM.

"Well, we're fooled by their fluency, right? We just assume that if a system is fluent in manipulating language, then it has all the characteristics of human intelligence. But that impression is false." --Yann Lecun​​ on the Lex Fridman podcast #416

The outputs of an LLM are determined not by experience, education, and emotion but by the data and programming they receive, reflecting the biases and limitations inherent in their design. This underscores the crucial distinction between artificial constructs and beings endowed with the Flame Imperishable, with true life and volition. Parents, for instance, should think carefully about giving a child unbridled access to an LLM which has no discernible ethics. The AI is a soulless, thoughtless machine built by human researchers, much like an orc is designed by Sauron simply to act as an instrument of his evil desires. The ethical and philosophical results of deploying such constructs into our society is staggering indeed.

The AI is only the Tool of the Maker

Of course, while the analogy between LLMs and Orcs highlights the artificial nature and purpose-driven creation of both, there are clear and fundamental differences in moral intent and potential for ethical use. LLMs are not (as far as we know) inherently evil constructs. They seem to be neutral tools that reflect the intentions of their creators and users. As such, the focus should be on ensuring that AI development and deployment are guided by ethical principles to maximize their benefits and minimize potential harm. That said, as with social media, we may come to regret the technology and wish to fling it back into Mordor's fire.

Conclusion

Tolkien's distinction between made and created is a metaphysical aspect of Middle Earth. It emphasizes the unique power of Eru Ilúvatar's true creation and the corruptive nature of evil. The orcs symbolize this dichotomy, illustrating how evil can distort but not create. This concept resonates in modern large language models and AI systems, which lack genuine consciousness and moral agency despite their advanced capabilities. Orcs and contemporary LLMs demonstrate the ethical implications of using such technologies and serve to enrich the philosophical depth of Tolkien's work.